#I have a neurology appointment tomorrow and it's the only thing I can think about

[antiadvil]

.

[waytooinvested]

Forgotten, Not Forgiven - Chapter 12

This and previous chapters are also on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Ms Luthor, I have a Nia Nal here asking to see you. Shall I make her an appointment for tomorrow?’

‘That’s alright Jess, please send her straight through.’

Lena put aside the copy of ‘The Interpretation of Dreams’ she had been skimming through with a certain amount of relief. Even before she’d opened the book she had been aware that Freud was the wrong place to begin her dream studies, but it had also been the only even vaguely relevant text she could find at the only bookshop within walking distance from L-Corp, and since her computer was midway through an “out of hours” update that had been stalled on 3% complete for the past 45 minutes, it had been her only option if she wanted to get stuck into research without waiting for her online orders to arrive.

The office door cracked open, and Nia peered round it.

‘Hey Lena, sorry for dropping in unannounced like this, I thought you’d be finishing for the day. Are you busy?’

‘Not at all, come in, please, have a seat. Is everything alright? I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.’

‘I know, I was just passing on my way home and thought I’d come in and give you a quick update.’

‘Oh? Do you have a plan for how you’d like to work Kara’s dream session? I started some research of my own today to get a feel for dream work, but-’

She gestured at the book on her desk with a grimace.

‘-it isn’t going very well so far.’

‘You’re reading Freud? Lena I can promise you that that is not what dream-power interpretation is about.’

Lena chuckled ruefully. ‘I was beginning to suspect as much. Oh well, at least I can read something more worthwhile now. Anyway, sorry. What was your update? Is everything alright?’

‘Yes, totally fine. Well, I think so anyway... I told Kara I’m Dreamer today.’

Nia’s tone was despondent in spite of her mostly positive words, and Lena sat up straight, the remains of her Freud-induced stupor instantly dispelled.

‘Something went wrong. Did Kara display neurological symptoms? Headache, nose bleed, uneven pupil dilation?’

‘No, no it was nothing like that, sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I don’t think it was a Supergirl issue at all. It’s probably fine and I’m just making a big deal over nothing, but she just… seemed a little freaked out. Well. She hugged me and said she was really happy for me and glad that I told her, but she was kind of quiet after that, and she left not long after. And… she left most of her doughnut.’

Lena bit her lip, trying to recall if she had ever seen Kara leave a doughnut before, and drawing a blank.

‘I see what you mean, that doesn’t sound like Kara. Have you talked to Alex? Maybe she just needs a bit of support to come to terms with the whole superhero thing. After all without her own Kryptonian identity we can’t be sure how much she is really aware of aliens and powers, beyond the obvious. From what I’ve observed it seems like all of that side of her reality is being filtered through the context of Alex’s job more than her own experience at the moment.’

‘Well, that’s actually why I came to see you. I thought you’d know what to do for the best.’

Because you’ve been on the other side of this.

Because you lashed out.

Because I want to know how to make sure that Kara doesn’t end up like you .

Nia didn’t say any of it, but the implication was there, just below the surface of her innocuous statement. It was unexpected, and Lena felt the brief, uncomfortable swoop in her stomach of missing a step going down. At another time, or with another person, she might have said something cutting or dismissive to regain the upper hand in the conversation and hide her fluster, but she couldn’t do that to Nia.

Not about her own coming out.

Instead she picked a fountain pen from her pen pot and rolled it between her fingers as she considered what to say, seeking the soothing familiarity of its cool, smooth weight in her hand as much as the excuse not to make eye contact.

‘I don’t think you need to worry about Kara reacting the way I did, even if she isn’t entirely comfortable right now. The two situations are very different, and in any case, Kara doesn’t exactly have the Luthor temperament.’

She thought she had done a good job of keeping her tone neutral and her response measured, but rather than looking reassured Nia smacked a hand to the side of her forehead in a gesture that was simultaneously comical and self-admonishing.

‘I just totally put my foot in my mouth didn’t I? I’m sorry, at this point I think it basically lives in there, but I honestly wasn’t even thinking about that. I just thought that since you’re her best friend, you’d be the person Kara would most want to talk to right now.’

‘Oh.’

That possibility had never even occurred to Lena, and now that it had she felt flustered in an altogether different way.

‘Do you really think so?’

‘Of course! Kara has been so much happier since the two of you started spending time together again. She’s even getting along better with Andrea now, and she talks about you and all the funny clever things you said last time she saw you pretty much constantly. It’s actually kind of adorable.’

Nia’s cheeks went a bit pink then, and she squirmed in her seat like she had said more than she meant to.

‘Uhhh, maybe don’t tell Kara I told you that. I don’t want to embarrass her.’

Interesting. If Lena didn’t know better she would think- but it wouldn’t matter anyway. It’s not like she would have been able to do anything about it. Not now.

‘Look, Nia, I really would like to help, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea. My friendship with Kara can only ever be temporary, so it wouldn’t be fair to push the boundaries too far. Besides, how can I go and reassure Kara about her reaction to you when I can’t forgive her for doing more or less the same thing to me? Even if it was much worse in our case.’

Nia tilted her head to one side, as if she didn’t quite catch Lena’s meaning and was checking whether a new angle might make it fit better with her perception of reality.

‘Why?’

‘Why is it worse?’

‘No, why can’t you forgive her? I get that there’s a lot of history between you and I don’t know the finer details of everything Kara did to hurt you. Maybe some of it really doesn’t deserve to be just forgiven, and that’s fair enough if it’s really how you feel. But from everything I’ve seen, you want her back in your life as much as she wants you in hers. You want to forgive her. So why won’t you? Who is it really serving to force yourself to stay mad when you could just… stop? Let yourself be her friend again. Be all of our friends again. Just come back.’

Just come back.

As if she had merely walked out early on a night out, and could choose to turn around and go back to the bar any time she liked, to be welcomed in from the cold with hugs and warmth and an easy acceptance that she wasn’t sure she entirely deserved.

‘It’s not that simple.’

It can’t be... Can it?

‘Sure it is. If you want it to be. Lena… you do know that we want you back, don’t you? Not just Kara. All of us do.’

Lena opened her mouth to respond, and then closed it again. Because no, she didn’t know that. She knew that, with the exception of their latest meeting, they had all been getting along well, and that she had enjoyed the time she had been spending at the DEO far more than she expected to, but she hadn’t allowed herself to think beyond that.

Now she did.

She thought about it, and what came first, as always, was the flash of anger and sting of hurt humiliation that echoed what she had felt on first finding out how much of an outsider she truly was among her supposed friends. She had believed they were all on even footing, only to discover that every single one of them had been part of a circle of trust that did not include her, and that when push came to shove, they were perfectly happy to drop her from their lives the moment she walked away from Kara (because they were her friends, first and foremost, and Lena had been allowed to tag along only because Kara had wanted her there, not for her own sake).

That came first.

But this time, it didn’t stop there.

Because things between them had been different since Atlantis.

With Alex first, who had been the most unsympathetic when she first cut Kara out, and yet had also been the one to reach out to her after the kidnapping, and to keep on reaching out, even when Lena had snarled at her and tried to push her away. Alex had accepted her anger, and apologised, and somehow turned it into something less like hatred and more like catharsis. From there the others had followed easily in her wake. None of them had treated Lena the way she had expected them to (with reproach or recrimination, even suspicion that she really had had something to do with Kara’s condition), and without Kara beside her to be the focal point of Lena’s attention she had been getting to know all of them properly in their own rights, and found that she liked them.

Now she was giving space to the idea, she had to admit that they seemed to like her too, and not just for what she could do for Atlantis or the DEO, or as a tacked on extension of Kara. It had been starting to feel like she was really one of them…

Only then Kara had been hurt and she had let her guard down too far. She had exposed a raw, volatile part of herself that they had not been meant to see, even implying to her girlfriend’s face that Kelly's life mattered less than Kara’s. The memory made her wince (not least because although she really, genuinely liked Kelly and knew that the suggestion had been neither reasonable nor fair... she had meant it. She still meant it), and she couldn’t help worrying that the lapse had knocked them right back to square one.

‘Even if that was true before, I’m not sure it still can be after the other night.’

‘What, because of the Atlantis meeting?’

Nia sounded confused, as if she really wasn’t sure what Lena meant by ‘the other night’, and Lena nodded without looking up from the pen she was now holding too tightly in her fist.

‘Lena, that was nothing, you were just sticking up for Kara, we all knew that.’

‘I don’t think J’onn would see it that way. Or Alex.’

‘Pfft, J’onn’s like 300 years old and used to be Alex’s boss, he can take a bit of snark. And Alex actually told me after you left that she was glad you were there, because she had to speak for the DEO and National City as well but you were just 100% there to advocate for your friend, even if you did go a bit “hangry Kara with eyes on the last potsticker” about it. That’s in her words by the way, not mine.’

She couldn’t help it. A slightly guilty laugh bubbled out of her at the hangry Kara comment (that sounded like Alex alright), and it diffused the tension enough that Lena looked up at last, finding nothing but frank openness and conspiratorial amusement in Nia’s returning expression. Her grip on the pen eased along with her anxiety, and she let herself accept that maybe she had been making the whole thing much bigger in her mind than it had been in reality.

Still though…

‘I am sorry you know, for getting so confrontational about it. I think I may have skipped a few steps on the negotiation spectrum and let myself forget that I wasn’t in a room full of Luthors, and no one else there wanted Kara hurt either.’

'Yeah but it was about Kara, and she’s your- well, she inspires strong feelings in people who care about her. And it’s not like you’re the only one who lashes out sometimes, we’ve all done it at some point. You calling J’onn a fucking idiot doesn’t mean we don’t like you anymore.’

‘I did not call J’onn a fucking idiot!’

‘Oh really? Huh maybe that part just happened in my head, which is kind of a shame because it was honestly hilarious, I was ready to grab popcorn.’

‘Nia Nal!’

Nia laughed, mischief written all across her face until she noticed that Lena wasn’t joining in, then she turned sombre again.

‘Okay, but seriously. Even if you had said that, it wouldn’t mean we would kick you out the group. That’s not how friendship works.’

Isn’t it?

That had always been more or less exactly how it worked, for Lena. Maybe not over one simple argument or a heat-of-the-moment insult, but there was nothing simple about their broader situation, and her whole life had taught her that to give second chances was to invite nothing but further betrayal, manipulation, and, on more occasions than she cared to dwell on, assassination attempts. She had learned at her mother’s knee to be unforgiving and unforgivable, and for the most part she had been right (look what happened when she tried to give anyone in her family the benefit of the doubt).

But now she was being told that she wasn’t unforgivable after all, and she couldn’t help dwelling on Nia’s question of who does it serve to force yourself to stay mad? Because it wasn’t serving Lena. It was making her miserable, and lonely, and unlike all the times she had known that withholding her forgiveness was the right thing, this time the moral high ground she was standing on was becoming increasingly shaky underfoot, because this group wasn’t embroiled in some evil plot to wipe out aliens or turn the sun red. They weren’t ruthlessly ambitious business tycoons or social climbers out to wring what they could from her. Whatever else they might be, Lena truly believed that they were good people. Messy, complicated, caught up in their own baggage as much as Lena was in hers and capable of doing things that were intensely hurtful, but at their centres… good.

She still didn’t think Nia was right about forgiveness.

Not entirely.

But… maybe she wasn’t entirely wrong either.

She rubbed her temples with the fingers of one hand, unsuccessfully trying to press the conflicting instincts inside her into a single coherent train of thought.

‘You’re far too young to be full of all this sage advice, you know.’

Nia pulled a silly face that both lightened the mood and slightly undermined the compliment by making her look practically Ruby’s age, and anything but sage.

‘You are really not that much older than me.’

Lena smiled a small but genuine smile, feeling crinkles that would one day be crows feet appear around her eyes.

‘Aren’t I? I feel ancient. I found a grey hair last week.’

This earned her a snort and an eye roll, and her smile grew an extra quarter inch.

‘Maybe that’s because you never freakin’ sleep. You’re probably about 50 in awake years, but that’s not the same as being actually old.’

‘Hey, I sleep!’

Only about four hours a night at the moment, and not always consecutively, but Nia didn’t need to know that.

‘Uh huh. So how come that time I was awake for 46 hours straight during the whole Midnight debacle, you were in the DEO lab every time I went by. I drank like 6 cans of Monster the second night and was going loopy, but you were just in there doing your science like it was totally normal.’

Lena remembered the occasion Nia was talking about only too well, and wrinkled her nose in rueful acknowledgement. She had hit a snag with the Q-wave generator and had refused to budge until she solved it, even though it had meant rearranging several meetings and going an ill-advised amount of time without sleeping, eating or showering. In the end she had only conceded her need to rest after Brainy had told her very seriously her that exhaustion was making her behave like a fifth level intellect, and if she didn’t get some sleep soon she would be no better than the average Daxamite (she maintained that a desire to beat her former-rival-for-Kara’s-affections Mon-el in every conceivable measure had nothing to do with the decision, and she had merely been concerned about making mistakes).

‘This seems like a bit of a pot/kettle situation given that you just readily admitted to staying awake for 46 hours straight yourself. And if you think I was unaffected you clearly didn’t see how much espresso I got through, or hear me talking to my screwdriver, apparently. I gave it a lecture for not being the Philips head I was looking for.’

Nia laughed delightedly. ‘See, this is why we need you back in the group for real, you’re the only one whose sleep pattern is as messed up as mine is. Just think of all the 3am shenanigans we could be having.’

‘Nia, I…’

She wanted to say yes.

She wanted to, but the word stuck in her throat, and she couldn’t bring herself to step over that edge.

‘No, I know, I’m sorry. I’m pushing you and you’re not ready. I’ll drop it for now. Just… think about it, okay? And in the meantime, do you want me to call Alex to go and see Kara?’

‘No.’

Somehow the no was easier. Too easy, because for all her complicated feelings about the rest of the group, Kara was the one who had actually betrayed her trust, and should therefore be the person Lena was least willing to break her established boundaries for. And yet she had answered Nia’s question instinctively, the word slipping out without waiting for her to think through the implications of the choice.

But it was the logical solution, wasn’t it? Someone needed to talk Kara round so that she would be comfortable doing dream-work with Nia, and Alex was so busy at the DEO it might be a while before she could spare the time to visit her sister. Besides, it would be a way to contribute to Project Atlantis now she was no longer working on the Q-waves. It didn’t mean she was committing to anything more than that.

And... as much as she told herself it wasn’t relevant, she couldn’t help dwelling on the part where Kara talked about her when she wasn’t around, and seemed happier for the time they spent together, and where Lena was the person Kara would most want to talk to when she was upset.

Then there was t he part where she could have died , and Lena had felt in that moment what it would be like to truly, irrevocably lose her, and the horror of it still reverberated through every cell of her body like a struck cymbal that would not be ignored .

She shook her head and repeated in a more measured tone ‘No, I’ll go. Thank you, Nia.’

Nia beamed back at her as though Lena’s decision about Kara and the rest of them was already made, and got up to leave.

‘You’re welcome. See you at the Atlantis meeting on Monday?’

‘See you then.’

Lena waited until Nia had gone, then buzzed through to the outer office before she had time to think better of it.

‘Jess, I know I said I’d be in until late tonight, but would you mind letting the lab team know I’ll have to stop by tomorrow instead? I have somewhere I need to be right now.’

‘Of course Ms Luthor. Would you like me to call you a car?’

‘Yes please. And if you could arrange for them to pick up a box of doughnuts en route, I would appreciate it. Anything that has an obscene amount of chocolate and more sprinkles than could reasonably expected to fit on them should suffice.’

‘Right away Ms Luthor.’

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Mildly annoyed at my body.

Probably venting. Mostly complaining. Some medical talk.

I kinda want to get a second shift job, but I just got a raise and starting this month, I will be making really good money. Like, double minimum wage money. I don't think I'll be finding that wage anywhere else with no college degree and only 5 years of office experience...

I want to put more of my books on the shelves, the ones still boxed in the living room and the basement. Go through the comics I probably have no real attachment to, maybe offer them up somewhere. Put the books I keep thinking about that somehow didn't get their boxes marked "FAVE" and thus weren't put upstairs when I moved. They're in the basement. I KNOW I have more books by my favorite author. I've been wanting to reread the ones I haven't unpacked.

But I just ate. I can't go up and down the stairs, let alone carrying 2+ boxes and unpacking them. Not to mention, some of them are practically buried in others' boxes... I can't exert myself by moving them around, either. I might be able to reach the ones by the shoe rack, but I don't remember. I can't stand up and bend over to look.

For my stomach AND my back reasons. Ever since I had the neurology appointment, during which they twisted me in ways that made my mostly-fine back start hurting at a Level of 5/10 Again, and when I said it started hurting they kept twisting and asked if it still hurt. Yes! Fuck yes, it hurt WORSE!

And it still hasn't entirely calmed down. The pain now is worse than it was before the appointment. Even two weeks later (or is it three?). Even with lidocaine patches and muscle relaxers. They want me to start steroid shots. (And do physical therapy again, but I already spent most of my PTO built up this year on Sisu's vet appointment and my teeth. I need to build up more hours for things in April, a concert road trip and taking the day of the solar eclipse off because I absolutely REFUSE to miss the eclipse, when I live conveniently RIGHT in the path of totality! I can't take 4 hours off work every week because the PT only has appointments during my work schedule.)

I need to do at-home physical therapy exercises more often anyways, but I can't lay down (let alone lay on my side for 10 minutes) after eating, and by the time my stomach's done making me uncomfortably aware of the food I've eaten, I need to go to sleep.

And tomorrow, I want to watch some panels at an online convention and go grocery shopping and clean the pet cages and shower. Maybe sweep my room and do dishes. I'm still debating if I want to wake up at 10am for a panel on something I've often wondered about (thanks in large part to the name of a roller coaster at Cedar Point), but that will sacrifice about 4 hours of sleep.

Precious sleep. Which is ALWAYS a struggle working first shift. When I worked 3pm to 11pm, I slept for 9 hours every night, no problem. (I was constantly exhausted for Other reasons, but sleep wasn't the problem.) But working first shift? I have to fight my body tooth, nail, and pharmaceuticals to get it asleep before 11pm. Half the time it doesn't happen. The meds make me sleepy, but won't KEEP me asleep.

I take melatonin, L-theanine, herbal supplements (valerian and lemon balm and passionflower and lavender), magnesium citrate, and an anti-depressant and muscle relaxer, all in the desperate hopes that I MIGHT be able to sleep for 8 hours a night. (I struggle with delayed circadian disorder. It's not insomnia, because I can easily fall asleep and stay asleep if it's within my body's natural circadian rhythm. Sleeping about 1-3am, waking about 10:am to noon.)

It isn't the ADHD meds that keep me awake because, once again, due to my stomach being a Little Bitch^tm, I can only take them when I'm having Really Good Days with my stomach. Which is, at most, about 1 in 5 days. It's rare that I CAN take them 2x a week. Let alone every day.

At the core of it, if I didn't work 40 hours a week and didn't have to ride a bus for an hour each way to and from work and didn't have to wake up at 7am every day, I'd have more time and more sleep to endure and work around my stomach's issue with Being Active After Eating, and work around Needing to Sleep or I feel Dead On My Feet.

....though with the raise, maybe I'll be able to get my temps again, and once I get my license, have the budget to start paying for gas and parking downtown...? I figure that's another $200/month, at least, but even if I break even with what my cashflow is NOW, I'd get about 80 minutes of my life back every day. That actually sounds really nice...

But currently, as it stands, my schedule is perpetually packed and my body is perpetually fighting me on doing Anything Ever. =_= Not to mention, the ADHD making it really hard to overcome that executive dysfunction...

It's just frustrating, wanting to do So Much but needing 2 weeks to recover my social battery after being at a wedding for 5 hours. I can't catch up on sleep when my duplex neighbors are massive inconsiderate assholes who blast music every Saturday morning. I want to wake up a little early to hear a really interesting topic discussion tomorrow, but it comes at the cost of spending the entire next week exhausted from sleep deprivation.

Where's the Quality of Life when the amount of life you can live is so small, you can't fit a lot of Doing Things in it anyways?

Worst of all, I've been too exhausted to write, whether that's roleplaying or fic. I'm lucky if I can come up with 5 words for my Pokemon character to tag on a blog post. I can't come up with New Things Happening very often. I really desperately want to continue some Old RPs with Dove, but my brain is fried mush. It's burnt on the outside and just a gooey mess on the inside. I can't jog it enough to Imagine New Things.

I'm not exactly depressive. I'm having fun at the convention this weekend! I'm glad for the 5 words I can scrouge up on the Pokemon RP blog! I'm eating good food and stealing every minute of personal time I can get! I'm watching Teen Titans and ATLA with my roommates once a week! I only have minor complaints with my actual job duties! It's not All bad.

I'm just frustrated that working 40 hours a week is so fucking much to work around that it's a chore all its own to try fitting my life around it without sacrificing sleep health.

Fuck capitalism.

[gonzogodzilla]

I am struggling. I keep having new weird symptoms pop up and I keep having doctors go "lol no big deal". My neurology follow up is October 13 and I have resigned myself to accept that he is probably going to brush me off. And that I am going to just continue living with all of this nonsense.

I'm starting to have optical symptoms. I told her it was pointless, but my mum was convinced we should go to emerg. We spent like 6hrs there just for the doc to tell us he thinks it's an optical migraine. Even though I was on day two of vision loss. I googled it when I got home and with both aura or retinal migraines vision loss only lasts about an hour, it's the other symptoms that linger.

And that's fine, I mean, basically what he said to us what from an emerg point of view with the information presented in front of him- this is it, this is all he can do. Which is nothing. Which is exactly what I expected. Chronic illness, diagnosis, all of that? Not an emergency. If I'm not in debilitating pain, THEY DON'T CARE.

Can you work? Amazing. Doesn't matter if you're suffering while you do it. As long as you're still functional, they don't give a shit. It's not a priority. You can wait to see your specialist. You can wait 6 months to talk to a doctor. It isn't a priority. Your suffering is unimportant. It's tolerable. You're fine.

On top of this I had a cold for 5 weeks and now I have pneumonia. These are all suuuuper normal things that healthy people have happen to them all the time, right?

My eyes still feel weird but I've been sitting in the dark for two days. The vision loss seems to act up in bright light. I have no idea if I should drive to work tomorrow or suck it up and pay for another Uber. And I have no one to ask. The emerg doc was like "wait and talk to your neurologist" as if I can just call him up every time I get a new symptom. What do I do between appointments?

I might be losing it a little bit. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do about any of this. Do I move back in with my mum? Do I keep trying to do it alone? Will this get better? I'm so tired.

[factorialsfandoms]

ack it sounds like you had a crazy day 🥴

Honestly? Yesterday wasn't so bad in the scheme of the last... month? two months? Honestly bar 'I don't have the help I need' problem it was fine up until a time which was technically today when housemate handed me my post. It just keeps going.

I'm just really hoping I do actually go for my night away at the end of the month, because I extremely need the break.

Below follows a rant.

In the post was a letter from the hospital which /sounded/ like a discharge letter. I have not had the test the doctor wanted done yet, only a different test I'd previously had done but was told I had to redo to be allowed the new one as it'd been a year. The pre-test test picked up a /different/ thing to what I was seeing him about and he seems to have assumed that was the entire problem. I know its different - I have two unique symptom sets one of which is multiple times a day which is annoying but livable (the one which happened while I had the monitor) and one of which barely happens but had a friend who saw me 2 hours after offering to take me to the hospital. -_- First point is ring the GP (I think you call them family doctors) as the specialist said he wanted the GP to give me meds anyway but the ones the specialist listed interact with my other meds so I need to talk about it, and at that appointment ask if the GP knows what's going on, and hopefully prompt /them/ to bug the specialist about what's going on. Because what I was told at the appointment and what is in the letter are two completely different and contradictory things and I just hope /someone/ knows what is going on.

This of course does not account for the fact I've been struggling for the last week because of carer shenanigans. Its 10 days without because COVID periods. I'm on day... 7? Now

Two weeks ago tomorrow the piping fell out the sink and ended up with half an inch of hot water on the floor.

There's a mystery new wet spot in the hallway floor in the middle with no other indication of damage. Landlady keeps saying apply the ddehumidifier. We keep doing that. It's just getting worse. It is almost certainly a burst pipe or something in the foundations. She is ignoring us and just telling us to dehumidifier. This has been happening for over a year with another patch around a corner and against a wall.

Honestly can't remember what else. But I know before the pipe something else was wrong, the pipe just outshone it, and there are other things too.

There's about 8 other things which can best be described as 'the health service is chronically underfunded and understaffed thanks to the government both refusing to give it the money it needs and also being xenophobic and putting the minimum income for immigrants to get a visa - or even for a local citizen to have their spouse enter the country - above the pay or every nurse and almost all doctors and this means more people are more rushed', especially with covid wrecking people's health and suddenly loads more cardiac and neurology patients from the long term damage'. A problem only exasperated by COVID.

Add in that they changed the system so I can't book my injections in advance and so I miss them because the first symptom I get when I start running low is an inability to remember things or comprehend dates and I'm having fun! The potential complications from not getting it on time, with a buffer of only about a week as I'm a particularly bad case, only include heart attacks and brain damage but I'm already disabled and can't work so its fine, right? (sarcasm. so so much sarcasm here) (my carers are /trying/ to keep on top of it, but it isn't really working)

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

TW/CW: Suicidal ideation (without intent currently).

TL/DR:  I am trying to find a doctor anywhere in the state of Pennsylvania that accepts UPMC for You (medicaid) and is willing to at least try solve to my medical mystery. Preferably a family doctor with connections to a rheumatologist and possibly neurology and/or pain management. One that will actually listen and not give up and actually care that I'm in acute pain. I feel like my own body is trying to kill me. I have for a month or more. 

I want every single blood test you can do on a person. Every possible imaging study you can do. A sleep study. Another Holter monitor. LITERRALLY EVERYTHING because I am so tired of 'try this, try this' I want to know for sure exactly what is causing this.

At this point I just need a single doctor to either tell me I'm dying (which is what it feels like is happening) or one to tell me what's actually wrong and causing all this and how we can actually treat it while dealing with the immediate pain.

I'm tired of going to ERs every week. I'm tired of doctor's who are more afraid of the DEA than they are of their patient's dying. Because I don't want to wake up with this pain tomorrow morning. I cannot live life like this. 

This pain and the fact that no one in the medical field (other than my PT) seems to care about it at all. This pain that my current PCP respond to "I want someone to actually figure out what's wrong with me." by saying "We don't know." as if it is not literally her job to figure that out. I went through the entire appointment saying "What about the pain I'm in right now?" And all that happened was she took me off Lyrica which had side effects I couldn't deal with and prescribed Savella instead and told me to come back in a week once I titrate up to the correct dosage. What about that week? I don't have enough meds from the ER to last until next Tuesday ma'am. I was there on Saturday and they are legally only allowed to prescribe 3 days work of narcotics. He did give me 10 days worth of flexeril for which I'm grateful, but that on its own isn't enough, and my PCP won't give me anything at all. I literally told her my previous family doc only checked my TSH level not T3 or T4 (thyroid hormones). Did she order the additional tests? Has she ordered any tests at all in fact? NO. And she keeps saying insomnia when I tell her I have to take the oxy and flexeril to be able to sleep through the night. THAT'S NOT INSOMNIA. THAT IS ME BEING IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT I CAN'T SLEEP. At my appointment today I told her that almost every morning when I wake up in excruciating pain, I wish I wouldn’t’ve woken up at all; that death feels like a better option and that that thought scared me as someone with a history of suicidal ideation and attempts, and she literally did not care an ounce.

My Rheumatologist keeps trying to give me prednisone which DOES NOT WORK! And says take 2 Aleve twice a day. If Aleve worked for my pain do you think I would have been to the emergency room FOUR times since March 16th? I wouldn't have requested to see you sooner if Aleve did anything.

Not one person has cared about my sudden onset fatigue spells that keep getting more frequent to the point I'm hesitant to drive very far unless absolutely necessary because one of these times I'm gonna actually pass out. That's probably what it'll take for the medical professionals to care. Me falling asleep while driving. I think this may be POTS, because I also get random bouts of 'benign' tachycardia at the most random times.

They just keep slapping labels on things instead of just actually checking or even asking me half the time. I'm about 80% sure I have EDS, but apparently the closest person that will even test let alone diagnose someone over the age of 18 is in Philadelphia and I'd need a referral from my Rheumatologist to see that person.

[awheckery]

so. uh.

cut for frank discussion of chronic illness and the serious failures of the american healthcare system. tw for fatphobia and gaslighting.

Last July, I got sick. It wasn’t too bad at first: some fatigue, body aches and a slightly elevated temp, until suddenly it was bad and I wound up in the ER. It took three rounds of steroids, a round of antibiotics and a more powerful inhaler to get my feet back under me, but I never fully recovered.

I didn’t talk about it here, except for answering an ask in October and blaming my lack of creative output on depression. It really, really wasn’t depression; it was my health progressively collapsing, one system after another until the avalanche of symptoms that flattened me just after New Year’s.

For the last four months, I’ve spiked a fever over 100°F nearly every single day. My joints hurt. My knuckles are knobbly and swollen, and occasionally my fingers are so painful and weak I’ve had to literally tape my pen to my hand at work. I get rashes at random that itch so badly I claw myself bloody. I overheat and have hot flashes in temperate rooms. The skin on my face and neck and shoulders turns red and hot to the touch, like I’m burning for hours with no immediately discernible provocation.

Some days, I wake up and I don’t have the strength to get out of bed. Some days I can’t wake up at all. I’ve slept through deafening alarms for hours, long enough for my phone battery to run out and die. I can only stand up for ten minutes a day without being hobbled by the effort, and every extra minute beyond that I pay for in hours spent bedbound by exhaustion and pain.

I keep losing words. I’ll arrive at the middle of a sentence and stumble to a halt, because the word I need isn’t there. It’s not true aphasia, and it’s not all the time. I comprehend written and verbal communication perfectly well, but I can’t get my own thoughts out without tripping over them.

I am, to quote a friend attending school to be a nurse practitioner, “a textbook case for SLE,” and I agree, but somehow I can’t pay a doctor to treat me seriously.

In January, I was referred to a rheumatologist after the bloodwork my PCP ordered indicated I had autoimmune activity of some kind.

To date, that’s my only test for anything that’s come out definitively positive for any kind of disease state at all. Ever. I tested negative for celiac disease on a technicality nine years ago, despite how specifically and intensely sick gluten makes me, so I was dismayed but not too surprised when follow-up bloodwork for lupus came back just barely inside the range of “normal.” Despite that, I wasn’t prepared to be jerked around as much as I have been.

The first rheumatologist I saw, back at the end of January, had barely been in the exam room for thirty seconds when I could see he’d already made up his mind about me. He was dismissive and perfunctory and condescending when he told me that “plenty of perfectly healthy people have positive ANA results,” and he referred me back to my PCP for an exercise program and antidepressants to treat my “fibromyalgia.”

Putting aside that I’m not a “perfectly healthy person,” I’m a Fat Lady living in America, and I’ve experienced medical fatphobia for decades at this point. You learn the key words and phrases pretty quickly, and “exercise program” has never not been a euphemism for “weight loss.” (Which is heavily ironic in this particular situation, because before I was Fat, I walked 2-3 miles a day for funsies and spent 15-20 hours in the gym every week. I only stopped because I somehow shredded both my ACLs in one summer. I’d love to get back to that if a rheumatologist could help me figure out how to be active and uninjured at the same time.)

I was frustrated after that first appointment, enough to request a referral to one of the best teaching hospitals in the country. Why not go to the best, right? There was a five month wait for an appointment, but I am stubborn, and I made use of the time by documenting every bullshit symptom my body threw at me. I have a daily symptom journal, full of subjective entries like my pain and fatigue levels, as well as objective entries like daily temperature changes and photos of my rashes and my burning face and my goddamn mouth ulcers.

I thought I had enough logged to be impossible to ignore, and then I saw the second rheumatologist three weeks ago, and the first sentence out of her mouth was the beginning of an interrogation on my blood pressure, and whether I was taking medication or if I was on a fucking exercise program for it. I tried to get the appointment back on track by sharing my symptom diary, and she turned back to my just-under-the-wire test results, and told me, “many healthy people have positive ANA results, it doesn’t mean anything without other positive test results for specific conditions.”

I said, “Healthy people don’t run a fever for months.”

And then she told me that a "fever is not associated with any of the conditions a rheumatologist treats." I was so startled by the confidence and authority with which she stated the lie that I was unable to speak to rouse a defense or contribute anything else for the rest of the appointment. After an insultingly brief examination, in which I never took my face mask off and she declined to look at any of my photos, she said that she “didn’t see anything that could be rheumatologically wrong with me.”

I asked her what she thought could be wrong with me, and she grudgingly admitted it’s possible, though rare to have an autoimmune disease and test negative for everything, so she would order more tests and refer me to appropriate specialists for my various symptoms. She ordered a referral to an infectious disease specialist for my fevers, and a referral to a dermatologist for my “rosacea” (that she’s assuming I have, because I would like to again note she did not see it, at no point did she actually look at my face or a photo of it), and a referral to an ENT for a salivary gland biopsy for my dry mouth, and a referral to a neurologist for my “stroke-like” memory and speech problems.

It was, all told, an unbearably shitty appointment. I cried in my car for an hour in the hospital parking garage so I wouldn’t do anything impulsive like lying down in traffic, and then I went home, cried some more, and went to bed for three days.

On the fourth day, I woke up enraged. It’s one thing to be blown off by a doctor when you’re just reporting symptoms without proof, it’s a wholly different thing for a doctor to ignore your proof and lie about diagnostic criteria to your face.

It’s hard enough not to think you’re crazy when your test results come back negative over and over; it’s that much harder after being told that your major concrete measurable symptom is diagnostically irrelevant, when it really, really isn’t.

(for the record, just going off the symptoms I can concretely prove I’ve experienced in the last week alone, I land a 16 on this chart, which is the most up-to-date, widely agreed-upon diagnostic criteria)

I have decided, for the moment, to play ball. I don’t have the energy to jump through all the hoops this rheumatologist wants, but I'm angry enough to drag myself through them. Tomorrow I’m supposed to see the infectious diseases specialist. On Wednesday I see the dermatologist. In two weeks I see the ENT, and I’ve got a neurology appointment tentatively scheduled for December.

I’m going to be blisteringly forthright with all of these doctors about why I’m there, and that I’m looking to exclude diagnoses other than the lupus I pretty obviously have. (Except with the ENT. Apparently they treat allergies, and I’d like to be able to go outside long enough to walk a dog, someday.)

I’m supposed to see this rheumatologist again at the end of November. Depending on how this week’s appointments go, I’m aiming to either move up my appointment with her when one becomes available, or just send a firm yet diplomatic email asking why the diagnostic criteria apply to everyone but me.

If anybody else has gotten through this fucking nightmare successfully, I’m open to suggestions, it’s not like it can get worse at this point.

[smokedanced]

i didn’t think i would talk about this here but i am having such bad anxiety that i probably am not going to be responding to anyone ooc today even if i might be writing on dash and as i have plotting actively going on, maybe i should explain why i’m like. striving off panic. cw medical / health anxiety

i’ve been terrified of some weird eye symptoms for several months now and i finally have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow. granted i’ve had unsuitable glasses for over ten years now, because i’ve been avoiding going to th eye doctor for, well. a long time, i was told in 2008 that i should probably get new glasses the next year. i really wish it’s simply eye strain from the wrong glasses and being online a lot, but.

i have occassional double vision, but only when looking at distance and downwards. like, i probably would never have noticed unless i lived in the third floor. if i look down from a window or the balcony i have really huge binocular horizontal double vision. very rarely this also happens with objects on the floor if i’m super tired. i’ve been literally filming my eyes for months now to see if their movement is restricted, if i have prominent misalignment or something, but i don’t, unless maybe when shifting from focusing near to focusing distance one of my eyes seems to drift a little.

i have a phobia related to brain things, and i am terrified that it might be indicative of something neurological. if the eye doctor tells me i need an mri i might legitimately disappear because i will have a breakdown and i don’t think i can do anything other than literally lie in bed in panic for months waiting for an mri like i legitimately don’t think i will be able to function if they suspect anything neurological.

the eye appointment is in less than 24 hours and i’m sitting here tensed up trying not to cry

i would appreciate like. idk good thoughts wishes for the universe/higher powers if they exist, that it’s nothing neurological, that i won’t need an mri, that i’m not sick, that i just need new glasses. i don’t have it in me to go through another malignancy scare like last year they briefly worried about my lymph nodes and i had neck ultrasounds and that was thankfully fine but it was also terrifying and i can’t do this again

[amive2567]

See you again

Summary: Soulmates are the people that truly belong to us, but sometimes life is not grateful and we have to wait for a life where we can meet them again. 

AUs: SoulmateAU ReincarnationAU ProHeroAU

Warnings:  fluffier than the others,  blood, medical talk, harassment at work, swearing, protective Todoroki

Disclaimer: My Hero Academia and the characters belong to Kohei Horikoshi.

Words: about 2.180

Quirk: Cell regeneration ~ This quirk allows healing somebody. The host can regenerate and strengthen the cells. Therefore the host needs to touch the person they want to heal. The quirk replaces the damaged cells with the healthy ones of the host. The new cells multiply on their own and heal the injury.

Malfunctions are that through extended usage, the host gets dizzy, receives nosebleeds, and their skin can get dry.

A/N : We are slowly getting towards the end of the story, although I separated the last part into two. It would have been way too long for one part. So here is Part 1. I hope you like it. Oh, I will also correct the parts after I have finished the series.  

A/N 2: In Japanese, last names come before first names. So I wrote the names like this. 

previous part: Third life: 1970   next part: ~ coming soon 

Series masterlist

Grand masterlist 

Annoyed, you pressed the alarm until it finally stopped ringing. "And another day that has to pass," you whined. Just like every morning, you got up and cleaned your bed. You opened the window and let the fresh air in. After you brushed your teeth, you headed straight to your desired breakfast stop. 

You opened the door of your favorite café. When you moved here, it became a routine to eat in the small, cozy coffee shop near your workplace, also known as the hospital. Even with a high amount of customers, it was always quiet and welcoming. But this morning, it seemed like no one was there. 

"Good morning, L/N-sama. What would you like to have for breakfast today?" greeted you, Watayama Tomomi, the owner of the comfortable café. "Good morning. The usual, please." You ordered. With a wide grin, she disappeared into the kitchen. 

In less than five minutes, she came back with your beloved breakfast. "I already thought that you would order the same as always, so I prepared it for you. Luckily, as always, you were punctual. So it's still warm." She explained in response to your questioning look. "That's very generous of you. Thank you Watayama-San." "Oh, I was happy to do that for you." She waved it aside and went back to work.

As always, while breakfast, you took out your phone and read the news.

Bank robbery in Musutafu city center.

A bank robbery took place in Musutafu city center. Several million yen were stolen in the process. Some civilians got hurt. The pro heroes one and two were gladly in the area and arrested the villains immediately. Shouto and Deku have once again shown a magnificent performance in which they soon caught the bank robbers and handed them over to the police.

                                                    ....

       If you want to read on, please sign up for a subscription.

You put your phone aside and focused on your miso soup. You took a sip of the broth and felt the soup warming your stomach from the inside. No matter how hot it could be, miso soup for breakfast promised an excellent start for the day.

Your gaze went back to the news article and stooped at the hero name Shouto. It was oddly familiar, but you didn't know why. It was just a name like everyone else's. Why did it felt like home reading these five letters? Why did it felt so familiar? You didn't even know him, neither did you ever saw him. You never dealt with this whole hero thing. It was just a regular career like every other. Of course, you were thankful that they risked their lives for the safety of the people. But that created a lot of work for others.  

Your pager went off, and you groaned. Emergency room, it said. "Watayama-San, I have to go. Could you pack my breakfast so I can take it with me tonight?" you yelled through the empty café to the kitchen. “I like to do it L/N-sama. Have a successful day at work." she wished. You grabbed your stuff and headed straight to the hospital. 

After you changed your clothes, you went to the E.R. In there, hell was going on. Nurses ran around, doctors stormed in and healed patients like on an assembly line. "L/N-san. We need your help." screamed a voice inside your head. You couldn't see anyone who might have called you, so it could only be one person, your colleague Sera Keiko. Her quirk allowed her to speak non-verbally to people far away. It was very efficient to gossip about various colleagues during the breaks.

You opened the door to the trauma room. A carnage greeted you with a Sera dripping in blood. "What happened?" you asked as you put on some gloves. "The bank robbery this morning did not take place without victims. This week we don't have so many staff to be able to cope with the size," She explained and pressed more effectively on the unconscious patient's wound. "Alright. We need more blood. Can someone get it, please?" you ordered. An assistant nodded and ran to the blood bank. 

You took over the patient by pressing your hands on his wound and activating your quirk. "Why does he pass out every now and then? Did he hid his head?" you asked curiously. "I think so. We couldn't ask him, and there is no visible wound," reported Sera. "Did you ordered a C.T?" She inclined her head, embarrassed. "Then do it now," you demanded, and she called the tomography department. You focused on your quirk, so it healed the wound as concisely as possible. Blue sparks swirled around the bloodied skin. You felt how the effects started to work on your body. It felt like the world started spinning, but you wouldn't stop until you were sure that the cells would connect. "At the moment, they have no opportunity to take new patients," informed Sera. "Alright, then we need our wonderful neurosurgeon, doctor Tanabe," you said sarcastically. Sera nodded and dialed the pager number.

 How you haded this arrogant, good-looking surgeon. Some people called him Mc. Hottie. Gross, you thought. As like your thoughts had summoned him, the door swung open, and he entered the room. "What do we have here?" Tanabe asked. "The patient passes out every now and then. We couldn't get a C.T, so we need your opinion," you told him professionally. "Of course you can have my opinion, babe." he winked at you. You rolled your eyes. He was a good doctor, but nothing more. 

You felt how the bloody wound under your hand started to heal itself, so you could remove your hands. "L/N-san, your nose is bleeding. Here you are." Sera handed you a handkerchief. You cleaned your nose and thanked her with a smile. "When you're done here. I would take over," said doctor Tanabe. "You can have him," you said bluntly. With a last wink, he left the room with his new patient. 

"Oh, he is such a douchebag," you complained loudly. "We need to inform someone related to him. Could you hand me his medical record?" you asked. Sera nodded and gave you the documents. "Thanks," you mumbled. "Do you want to grab a drink tomorrow?" asked Sera. "I would love to," you responded with a beaming smile. Sera started to smile simultaneously. 

The door opened, and two men entered the room. "Excuse us..." started an unknown voice. "Sir, you can't enter this room. It's staff only..." your voice dropped as you looked into a pair of grey and turquoise eyes. A wave of memories hit you. 

“It’s unfair.” you sniffed. The young prince pulled you into a closer hug and stroked your h/c hair. “I know, but we will meet in another life. That’s how it is with soulmates or not?"

 “I hope so.” Your lips meet, the tears from both of you make the soulful kiss taste salty.

Even if I don’t come home, I will always remain a part of your heart, and we will meet again in the next life, just as we always have promised. We will be able to hug each other again and won’t have to let go. My love for you will never die, even if my body does not survive this war, my soul will always be with you.

“It’s fine, Shouto, we will meet in the next life. We will have a family and live until death will do us apart.” You wiggled your hand free from underneath the stone. With your bloody hand, you stroked his cheek. His eyes were filled with fear.

"You can’t leave me. I need you. We wanted to live a happy and long life together.“ he cried.

You felt how hot tears streamed down your cheeks. "Shou..." you mumbled, overwhelmed. "Y/N." he answered, as surprised as you were. You were attracted to each other like magnets. The world around you faded as you hugged each other. "I missed you," you mumbled, your voice choked with happy tears. "I missed you too, darling." His lips met yours, and you returned the loving kiss. The lonely feeling you felt your whole life disappeared at this moment. "Err, Todoroki, we still need to know what happened to your sidekick." stuttered a voice behind the two of you. You broke away from each other, and your cheeks turned a light red tone. 

"Your right Midoryia, I am sorry. I just found my soulmate again," he said bluntly. "Oh, I don't want to be rude, but we really have to get going." said the green-haired man. "Do you happen to know where Mayeda Nobuo is?" asked Todoroki. "Oh yes, he was my patient. I bet we can ask doctor Tanabe if you can visit him. He had a severe wound and has probably a head injury. I healed the wound as best as I could, but the head injury still remains. Doctor Tanabe is the best neurosurgeon in Musutafu, so your sidekick is in good hands." you explained to them. "See you, Miyako-san." You let the two pro-heroes know that they should follow you. 

As you reached the reception of neurology, you asked for doctor Tanabe. "He is at the tomography department." the receptionist explained. "Dang this idiot...," you mumbled under your breath. "Thank you." She nodded and went back to her work. I bet he was flirting with Oshiro Tomiko, head of the C.T. department, for an appointment, you thought. 

You walked to the tomography department with the other two. There was a long queue in front of the C.T. And as it couldn't be otherwise, your object of desire was first in line. "Doctor Tanabe," you called him out. "What's up, sweety?" he asked flirtatiously. You rolled with your eyes. "Those two men would like to know how your patient is doing," you said professionally. "Oh I don't know it yet, but after the C.T we will recognize what's wrong," he said and stood close to you. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" growled Todoroki. His eyes were gleaming furiously. You didn't even get the chance to answer. "I wish they were, but unfortunately, they always reject me. I need to say their sweet but has something," confessed Tanabe. His arm laid on your lower back. You pushed him away. "What did you just say?" asked Todoroki with a snarl. He looked down at doctor Tanabe with an expression that gave you goosebumps. Never had you seen him that angry. "I said that their but is cute," repeated Tanabe fearlessly. Todoroki grabbed him by the collar. "Don't you ever say that to my love again, understood asshole? And don't you ever make them uncomfortable again." He let go of him and took your hand. "Thanks for your help doctor," Todoroki spat contemptuously. 

"Let's go." He dragged you away with Midoryia. You were surprised by his behavior. He was always this calm, collected guy, and now he was jealous? "Todoroki-Kun, don't you think you took it a bit too far," Midoriya asked carefully. "No, he molested my soulmate. This guy should get behind bars." Todoroki snarled. 

He stopped in the entry hall and turned to you. "I apologize for my harsh behavior, darling, but I've lost too much in this life, and I can't lose you again." "You won't lose me. Especially not to an arse like Tanabe. I will always love you. No matter what will happen." you assured him. 

The three of you talked for a while, and you go to know that Midoryia soulmate was the girl in the pink and black dress. Her name is Uraraka Ochako. Fortunately, they met in high school and trained together to become heroes. "Wasn't she your wife the last time we met?" you asked confusedly. The memories were still a bit blurry. "Exactly." 

"We have to go back to work. Unfortunately, due to this incident, we have to sign some documents." noticed Todoroki. "Then I won't hold you back any longer. Good luck at work." you wished the two pro-heroes.

 "Oh, and that I won't forget. Shoto, we still have to exchange numbers." His face lit up, and he handed you a piece of paper. You smiled at the note and saw that the numbers were neatly written down. "You still write your number on a piece of paper?" asked Midoryia confusedly. "Strangely enough, many women want my phone number, so I write it down on paper for faster inquiries," he answered bluntly. Jealousy grew in your stomach, but you knew he was attractive, and many women took advantage of his social awkwardness. "They find you attractive, which is true, but they want to um... " You whispered the rest of the sentence in his ear. His cheeks turned beet red. "Er, well, I don't want that they do that. I need to tell them." he stuttered. "I think so too. So then, I will see you two around." The two of you shared a kiss before the two pro-heroes went back to work, and so did you. 

[lokisgame]

A Generous Donation [2]

[part 1]

A/N angst ahead

"Why are you still up?" Scully asked hanging her coat in the closet. Will's feet dangled from the armrest of the couch, game on tv played on mute. "Extra reading from professor Mulder, due tomorrow." "Oh, you won’t have class with Mulder tomorrow." "What?" Will looked at her over the edge of the book. "You broke my professor?" "I did not break him," she said, feigning outrage, "cold did, I only refereed." "Seriously, you have to stop messing with my college education." "It was dinner, nothing more." She smiled and stopped on her way to the kitchen, to lean over him and kiss his forehead. Will coughed. “You still have that cough?" “I'm fine," he sighed, catching his breath, "it’ll pass eventually.” “It's making me worried," she said softly, perching herself on the edge of the couch, "come to the clinic tomorrow, we’ll draw some blood, do an x-ray.” “Fun but I can’t, I’ve got school.” “You have an hour to spare,” she said, brushing fingers through his chestnut mane, “humour your mother.” “Fine, whatever.” He said and picked up his book. She left him reading and went to fix herself a cup of tea.

Mulder sipped coffee from a paper cup on his way to work. It's been a while since he talked to Scully and he was starting to feel the pull again, to pick up the phone and call and take her out to dinner. He didn't think he could be friends with a woman and it surprised him, how simple it was. Watching his friends and colleagues being dragged through courts by the very women they claimed to love forever, he never once felt the need to put himself through that. He had his job, his students, an odd girlfriend twice a year, he was content with his daily run, weekly basketball game at the Y, and semi-regular poker nights with the Gunmen. It was a happy life. But! If he could add some regular time with the good doctor he wouldn't mind. She was sharp and gorgeous and fun, and he didn't mind she had a kid, at all. He liked Will, so much that his absence from class was starting to worry him a little.

The coffee grew cold as he wrapped his last lecture that week. Will's empty spot like a gaping hole in the lecture hall, filling him with irrational sense of dread. He dismissed the class and as the students filed out, he caught Will's name in one of the conversations. "We should go see him," said a cute blonde, Kimberly something. "At the hospital?" Her friend said, taken aback. "Well, yeah." "Kimberly?" Mulder called, before she stepped out. "Yes, professor?" She said, batting her eyelashes at him, as usual. "Do you know why Will isn't coming to classes anymore?" "Oh, I was just talking about that," she said, her smile fading, "he got sick, apparently it's bad." "How bad?" Mulder's blood went cold. "I'm not sure, but I heard some talk about organising a blood drive so," she sighed, hugging her binder tight. "I'm sure he's going to be fine," Mulder said, trying to keep his tone warm, despite his instincts screaming at him that something was very wrong, "let me know, if you need any help with the blood drive." "We will, thanks." She forced a smile and followed after her friend. No wonder Scully didn't call in weeks, though it wasn't as if they agreed to anything, except keeping things casual. 'Well, screw casual," he thought, finding his way through the crowd and out to the parking lot. He had an appointment at the Boston General.

She didn't pick up her phone, which could only mean she was working. Boston lunch time traffic was a murder, but the drive felt too short anyway, his emotions still reeling when he entered the main clinic. A young nurse at the registration caught the worst of it. "Sir, I need you to calm down." She said for the third time. "You don't understand," he said, trying to force the panic back down, "I need to see doctor Scully, now." "Do you have an appointment?" "No, but," her kid is sick and I need to do something, he though then paused. Who was he to assume, he just wanted to know what was going on. "Just, tell me where I can find her." "Neurology ward, but," the girl began but he didn't listen. One glance at the directory on the wall and he was heading for the elevator.

He knocked on her office door, heard her call out and pushed the door. "Hi," he said sheepishly, doubts finally catching up to him. "Mulder," Scully said, rounding the desk, "is everything okay?" She reached out for him and he knew she did it unconsciously, guiding him to the couch and making him sit. For once he didn't find the lack of space funny. "Me? Are you?" He said folding her hands in his, "I heard about Will, how bad is it." "Oh God." She choked and he noticed her sunken face, worry lines on her forehead, dark bruises under her eyes. She looked like she would ever smile again and he pulled her into his arms. "It's okay," he said, gently stroking her back. "No, it's not, it's bad, he will need a bone marrow transplant." She shuddered on the last words. "There are donor banks," he soothed, holding her tighter, realising the chances, "tell me everything." "It was just a cough," she said, against his shoulder, "but then his blood work came back and his cell counts were abysmal. It all went down hill after that." "He's a strong kid," he tried, but really, what did he know, "he'll get through this." She crumbled in silence, melting into his arms, and he didn't know what else to do but hold her up. "It’s all mu fault," she whispered after a while, "God is punishing my pride." "What?" "I thought I could do it all by myself." "You did good," Mulder whispered, rocking her lightly. "And now I will loose him." “You won’t,” he said, a little more forcefully, drawing her closer, “and you're not alone, it’s gonna be fine.” "Mulder," she sighed. "Never give up on a miracle." He said, before reason sent her under again. He held her for long minutes, breathing her shampoo and hospital disinfectant. He knew he had no power to make this right, they had dinner a few times and the kid was his student, but something in his heart broke and he couldn't sit idly and watch them suffer. "Test me," he said once her silent tears dried out. "I can’t," Scully said, looking up, "I can't ask you for that." "And you can ask strangers?" He raised one eyebrow at her, and she softened a little. "We have the same blood type." "How do you know that?" "It came up in a discussion once," he shrugged, "I'm a universal donor, 0 negative, so test me." "There's more things to consider. The probability of finding a match," "Is zero if you don't try," he cut her off and she frowned, "c'mon, I'm sure you have that sterile swab thing here somewhere." "I do," she said. "Go get it then." She pulled away and got up, and he instantly felt better. Not because she was gone, but because he was finally doing something to help them. Scully rummaged through things in the glass cabinet and came back a minute later, plastic tune and a syringe in hand. "Blood will be better," she said. "You're the doctor," he said, and shrugged out of his jacket. Scully rolled up his sleeve and tightened the tourniquet above the elbow. She prodded around the crook of his arm for a few seconds and looked up. "Are you sure you want to do this? I won't hold it against you if not." "Do your worst." He said, confident as ever and she snapped on a pair of latex gloves, broke the seal on the needle and drew blood. He didn't flinch. She was that good. "There," Scully said a minute later, pressing a piece of gauze to the crook of his elbow, not letting go. "I know it's not the time to make vampire jokes," he said, "but there's definitely one in here somewhere." Corners of her lips went up for the first time since he walked in. "You should talk to Will about that," Scully said and the smile vanished again, taking last of Mulder's humour with it. She could stop his arm from bleeding, but not his heart, not with her hands at least, so he leaned forward and pressed his mouth to hers, gentle but solid, making his heart skip a beat, because she kissed back. "You won’t loose your kid," he said, leaning his forehead against hers, her breath on his lips warm and sweet. "I can't." She said and cupped his cheek, brushing one more kiss on his lower lip.

[dailyaudiobible]

01/26/2010 DAB Transcript

Exodus 2:11-3:22, Matthew 17:10-27, Psalms 22:1-18, Proverbs 5:7-14

Today is the 26th day of January, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today as we begin a brand-new week together. And yesterday we concluded the book of Genesis and began the book of Exodus which is what we’re journeying through now. So, we met this baby and his name was Moses and we’re going to be getting to know Moses for quite a while, but we were able to make his acquaintance yesterday as a baby in the Nile River in a basket being discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and then raising her…raising him as her own. So, we’ll read from the Evangelical Heritage Version this week. Exodus chapter 2 verse 11 through 3 verse 22.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and as we move into this brand-new week and…and…and look out before us, we take this time as we do most weeks to understand that it's all out in front of us. What this week is going to look like has yet to be written, and it will be written by the choices that we make. So, we invite Your Holy Spirit to come and offer wisdom in the deepest places of our souls and in all of our important decisions that are before us. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website. So, that’s where you find out what’s going on around here. Be sure to stay connected as we continue our journey forward.

You can find the social media links in the Community section of the website and that's where like links to DAB friends on Facebook or the Daily Audio Bible women's group, which is a massive group of women encouraging one another, led by my wife Jill. So, like if you haven't…if you're a woman and you’re not connected there then you may be missing out on a lot of encouragement for you days. So, check that out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link and it lives on the homepage and I thank you with all my heart for your partnership. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if that is your preference, is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that is all for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi, DABber Family this is Cara from Denver and I’m just calling because I really need prayer for faith. I’m distraught, I’m helpless, I’m feeling so completely helpless. I…I just found out that my son Nish, he is homeless, and Albuquerque has court cases. He got arrested in November was released got arrested in December. He has been released. He has a warrant and he has just all these little charges. I…he may or may not have a felony charge, but I mean what this means is he’s stuck there in Albuquerque. I mean he needs to take care of these issues. I pray for someone to come into his life that will help him turn around and…and see God’s love. And I…I…it just seems like everywhere…person I turn to for help has no help available. And, you know, the last time I saw him was in September and I could have somehow maybe grabbed him and made him come back with the. But, you know, I didn’t because he’s his own person, he’s 25 years old and even though I kicked him out three years ago because he was using and I was, you know, trying to be clean, you know, and I have been off drugs for 2 ½ years. So, and I’ve been on the right path and I’ve found Jesus and…and I’m saved and…but I want him to know Jesus and God too and I just really…I can’t think straight. I don’t want to do anything that I shouldn’t do. So, I’m just really…I’ve been sick too...

Hi this is Anonymous. I was cheated on by a man who I was…we were planning on spending the rest of our live with each other. He has PTSD and I’ve come to realize a person like that, he barely can love himself and, how could he love me. And I’m hurt and I’ve questioned a lot about God. And I love him still, God and him, this man. And I just…I question a lot lately about myself, about life. But I know he needs our help. So, I pray for him daily, but I’m so confused about life and about what I’m doing. I’m 37 years old and I, you know, I just…I want a family, I want to be happy and it’s just so hard. I have MS and nothing seems to be working out. So, I just…I need help and this man needs help. Just pray for us. Thank you.

Hey Daily Audio Bible family this is Benjamin the Sower. Let’s pray heavenly Father I want to pray for Yvonne today from…from California. I lift up her two children and, yeah, just that she’s expressed that they have walked away from the things they used to know, that she…she has taught them. I pray for her Father that you would give her give her comfort, give her strength just to know that she is your daughter, that you love her, that you…you are still with her, that you love her children. God, I believe that you, yeah, you are drawing people back to you. You are…you are leading people to, yeah, to have second, third, fourth, you know, however many chances Lord. Yeah, to…to realize your goodness and realize that you, that you’re better than all those things, you’re better than tarot cards and the things that her kids are getting into. Yeah, Father I also want to pray for him Carla Jean from LA. Just that she called, her son Noah, yeah, is just in a…in a spiritual battle with anxiety attacks and that they were able to face time but, yeah, just that he’s, yeah, unsure Lord about being able to get help and life insurance or just health insurance and all those questions Lord. Just help him to be able to…to still reach out to, still just trust You with those finances and to, yeah, to get help…to…to open himself up to you and to realize that You are greater than anything that could…could cause him that anxiety. And then just real quick, I want to pray for Trusting with the father in South Carolina, just as you talked about so many things going on with your family, just know that I’m praying for you that we’ve got your back. Thank you so much for calling and I’ll talk to you guys soon. Bye.

Hi family this is Sally from Massachusetts and I am calling to ask for prayer for all of us who are parents of teenagers. Heavenly Father we need Your help with these know it all teenagers. Father God they are giving us such a difficult time. Lord You have said to us, “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he is…he will not depart from it.” Lord, we need help with those years in between when these kids have jumped off this path without a parachute. Lord, give us wisdom, give us patience, and give us tight lips. And please help us parent these children who just reject anything within hearing distance of us. Lord please guide our teenagers, help them to listen to You somehow and give us the knowledge we need to parents through these difficult years. And we ask this in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

Good morning family this is Michelle __ in Central Florida calling to share some prayer requests and praise. First, please pray for my brother. He’s in a legal situation with one of his two children over a child. It’s complicated. Please pray for him. Pray for the whole situation being resolved in a way that brings glory to the Lord. He doesn’t or I shouldn’t say he’s not serving the Lord right now. Also want to pray for ministers and all businesses and also Pelham. I’m wondering how Pelham is doing and out Pelham’s and Anna Rose’s who are struggling to get things where they need to be. So, Father I thank You God for Brian and Jill and thank You for everything You’re doing in our lives. And God help us to show love in places where love is needed. Set our businesses aright Lord God. Let us keep first thing first and do and be led of You, do what pleases You. I pray for the ministry, the ministry of husbands and wives that are in ministry Lord God. Protect their marriages, strengthen them, set their ministries in the right place, in the right order. In the lives of the minister, help them to keep first thing first Lord. God, I thank You for Pelham. I thank You for what You’re doing in his life and the Pelham’s that we know around us Lord God the Anna Rose’s and John, Bob, and Suzie, and Janet, those who are serving You and desire to serve You in a greater way and are putting their lives back together in a way that’s, You know, gonna make them stronger and of better use to You and bring love and joy and fulfillment to their lives and the lives of those around them. I bless Your name oh God. I thank You Father God for everything You’re doing in us, for us, and through us in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hi, I’ve been listening to Daily Audio Bible for about 10 years and this is the first time I’ll be calling in and I want to ask for prayer for my nephew who is in college. He’s 22. He only has 10 more weeks to graduate with some kind of bachelors and financial. He was recently diagnosed with lupus. He was losing weight, so the doctor put him on Reglan. He was on it for two months and now he’s having uncontrollable muscle movements, or it looks like part of dyskinesia where his neck is doing a full turn to the right and he has the closing of one eye. He has difficulty walking. He had to scale back of course on his driving. He can’t get real early neurology appointment. My sister flew out there to help him and also to probably disenroll him from college. According to things online, if it is the TARDIS dyskinesia it sounds like it’s irreversible. So, I just ask that if we can pray that he has a full healing from this and for him not to get discouraged or depressed because I know he was crying to his family about what he’s going through. Anyway, thank you.

Hi, my name is Vienna. For issues of safety that’s really all that I would like to disclose about myself. I discovered you guys towards the end of last year when I was facing homelessness. That situation has changed but my life circumstances are extremely complicated and involve a lot of issues, none of which I would like to detail here but I’m in major need of prayer, prayer for miracles. I feel like I have…need to take some serious steps of faith and bigger steps ever…than ever in my life after not speaking to God for quite some time. I began to…the end of last year…found you guys. Despite that I’ve already made some mistakes in this new year but the issues that I’m contending are all massive and large and they involve very complex family court issue, custody change. I’ve got a very malignant and toxic individual just blocks from me that has dominated much of the last few decades of my life, which is half of it. Recovering from a brain injury and in very serious need of a neurologist. Other issues that I’ll be contending with are applying for disability, public assistance type things. I’ve already gone through some career changes and will be taking a step of faith in order to focus on my health versus my work issues…boundaries…but it feels like the Psalms where I’m surrounded on every side and, you know, things that shouldn’t be legal or possible have happened and injustice abounds. And I’m struggling very, very much in my health is well…

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[schizophelia]

June 5th, 2019: Test Results

Today I saw my GP regarding the blood test and x-rays. He said that my bloodwork and x-rays were nothing of concern. He did say that the source of my joint pain has to do with soft tissues. So he mentioned Tenosynovitis and Tendonitis. 

He said that the only thing that would really help is physiotherapy and so he wrote a prescription for me to do that. So I have to do physiotherapy on my right hand and both my knees. I have to call the physio place tomorrow and make appointments. It just sucks that my dad will have to take me there.

My doctor said that if that doesn’t work, we will see what else can be done. He said we could try Voltaren cream or splints. He filled out some paperwork for my school to see about accommodations for my hands and stuff when it comes to exams. 

I also talked to him about the neurology note my psychiatrist sent him a while ago. My psychiatrist wanted to see what he thought about the neurological piece. He said he doesn’t think I have a neurological problem, but he would send a note to my psychiatrist to tell her that we did talk about it about what his thoughts were. So I don’t know what my psychiatrist is going to say but I did ask him about it. 

My mom doesn’t understand how I have problems with my tendons because normally for this condition you have damage from exercise and using your joints a certain way. I haven’t done anything to cause joint pain and so I don’t understand why it’s a problem for me. He said it’s really common. But I honestly don’t know what I did because I don’t exercise or use my hands for much of anything. 

[anjalimazumdar-blog]

Dealing with Disappointment | How to Handle Disappointment?

It doesn’t matter if you have been successful or unsuccessful in the past, but you might have already experienced it, some time. There’s always failure and disappointment. And there’s always loss too. The important secret is learning from the loss and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.

“Don’t cry over the spilled milk” is the phrase often heard. But disappointment won’t let us escape thinking over it and feeling sorry. It just creeps into our head, out of nowhere, though you keep on prompting, “It’s okay”. Now that it has already crept in, take steps for not letting it bother you much. In this process, you will even learn making it a tool for positive thinking too. But remember, drugs and food are not alternatives to beat disappointment.

Tips to keep you going

When things don’t turn out the way you hoped, it may seem like the end of the world. Here are some things you can do to keep disappointment from getting you down.

Stop. Calm Down. Give yourself some time to just sit with disappointment and experience it without concealing it to accept and acknowledge. Things might not seem nearly so bad tomorrow.

To let this happen, sit alone. Don’t let anyone disturb you. Just observe your thoughts. Don’t contradict or say anything like, “That’s where you did wrong. Why didn’t you shout?” etc. So, don’t encourage any intersecting thought. Just recollect whatever happened, slowly. Settle with a peaceful mind and learn to accept the things as they are. Remember that everything is not in your hands and you can’t control the motion for the whole universe.

Slowly, try to accept the things as they are and as they happened. Understand what is disappointing you. Don’t camouflage your thoughts or analysis with something else. Accept your faults.

Ask yourself:

What have I got to gain by continuing dwell on this?

Does this really worth getting angry or upset about?

Try getting out your feelings in a nicer way that doesn’t hurt you or anybody else. Share your feelings with your parents or a good friend. Think the ways on what you can learn from the experience and how better can you do it next time. Identify and focus on the good things you learn. Lastly, forgive yourself after determining how you should think the next time.

Assess Clearly

Assess your role in personal disappointments. Don’t judge yourself.  Failing at something never means that you are a failure, but it has something else to say. It refers to the way you tried. Disappointment is not an emotion which you alone face. Everyone experiences disappointment. Walt Disney, Michel Jordan etc. has faced disappointments and learned from their disappointments and has moved forward in a different direction.

To help yourself out of this, try to help others who are disappointed. Listen and respond appropriately. Listening to the ones in disappointment is always a better solution. Having someone to share your disappointment without hesitations is a blessing. Your response should be appropriate. Don’t make their situation your own. You can’t fix the entire things by say something positive. Offer help you can do, suggest possible actions or ideas on what steps to take next. This would at least give them an idea on what actually has to be done, instead of just grieving in disappointment.

To get out of disappointment

Try to remember different instances of your past, when you felt disappointed or upset with yourself. For each one, write about what you did or could have done. This helps you to feel better.

Ask a family member, a close friend or a neighbor to tell you about a time when he or she felt disappointed because something important didn’t turn out very well. Ask them how did they handle it and how could it have been handled differently? Listen to them patiently without making any pre-assumptions or statements. You never know what made them think so or what their point could be in doing so. Just know that everyone has a way of dealing it.

For example, it is mostly observed that girls, who faced sexual assault, remain complied during the act and cannot respond immediately. After coming out of the scene, they regret a lot. They feel much disappointed for not shouting or protesting or for not recollecting and using the defensive moves they had practiced earlier. But after understanding that it is a neurological condition that makes them so, the severity of their disappointment gets reduced.

Keep a Friend

Ask a friend or a family member to be your special “positive perspective friend” when things go wrong or you’re upset. This helps a lot. Explain that the main purpose of a positive perspective friend is to help you see the brighter side of things and not to take things more seriously than they deserve. In the same way, you should also stand for them. This is the main essence of life, being one for another. When both of you support each other, none of you would feel guilty for taking help and both of you will be obliged and open for help. Such a healthy relationship will be like a refresh button for life.

Try to observe how people or characters handle the disappointment differently in their ways, while reading stories, novels, autobiographies, articles or watching TV shows or movies etc. Discuss what you’ve observed with friends or family members. Such a discussion enables you to view the problems in a third person perspective. This won’t let you sink into disappointment every time you face some obstacle.

Remember the experiences you had or heard and think of people you know or have heard about who made the best of a bad situation. Know how they have coped up with positive attitude towards the situation and what difference did it make.

Keep Your Calm

Don’t let yourself feel like a complete failure because something didn’t turn out well. Develop positive attitude and not giving up or feeling like a failure because of one experience. If something or some relationship didn’t work well, there could be numerous reasons some of which can be seen and some other that are hidden; some could be obvious from little mistakes or varying ego levels while other could be due to the circumstances. One should patiently analyze all the possible consequences that led to the failure. But for that, one needs a calm mind. Waves can only create ripples, while still water can let the mud settle down and make the water clear to drink. Wavery mind will create many thoughts, while calm mind can analyze clearly.

When you are disappointed try to recall the other times when things went badly but turned out to be okay. Tell yourself that everything is going to be fine, at the end of the day. Always remember that things can be bought but relationships cannot be. Harsh words can hurt anyone, while soft words can change anyone, either a man, a woman, or a kid. So don’t let the relationships ruin over petty issues. If at all, something happened or spoken have led to the disappointment, remember again that, “Words can hurt; Words can heal” fill your words with love and care to bring make things better.

In case you feel stuck, please don’t hesitate to seek the help of an expert. Carrying the guilt or disappointment for long can hurt your mental being very badly, killing your inner peace and making you unstable. Help yourself out of this by booking an appointment with your psychological counselor today.

[anumberofhobbies]

Retinal migraine

Ocular migraine right when you wake up in the morning? Seriously? Good thing there's a neurology appointment tomorrow.

EDIT:

Note there at end about seeing it with eyes closed - I sometimes have that & sometimes not.

https://americanmigrainefoundation.org/resource-library/retinal-migraine/

The visual symptoms of retinal migraine last between five and 60 minutes. Symptoms can also increase over time. A headache may go along with the visual disturbance or start within an hour afterward.

“In reality, we see a lot of these [visual symptoms] that are not accompanied by a headache,” says Dr. Friedman. “But usually they’re typical migraine visual aura. They’re not coming from one eye. They are classic migraine aura symptoms, such as zigzag lines that move across the visual field, C-shaped shimmering, loss of half of the visual field that splits right down the middle, tunnel vision or simultaneous visual loss from both eyes.

What causes retinal migraine?

There is not a known definite cause of retinal migraine. It is set off by many of the same things as migraine with aura, such as:

Stress

High blood pressure

Smoking

Birth control pills

Dehydration (not enough water in the system)

Low blood sugar

The Difference Between Retinal Migraine and Other Types of Headache

There are some essential differences between retinal migraine and migraine with aura. The disease has visual disturbances in one eye only. If you experience twinkling lights in your right eye, vision in your left eye will be normal. In migraine with aura, visual symptoms are present in both eyes.

“A typical migraine with aura is usually still present with the eyes closed,” says Dr. Friedman. “So that’s one way to think about it. Did you see those flashing lights when you closed your eyes? If it comes through the brain, you’ll see it with your eyes closed.

[braindamageforbeginners]

More FAQ

So, before we go on to the main event, I did see my favorite (or maybe second or third favorite) oncologist recently for a check-up; Radiation Oncologist. My “Top Three” rating might seem like a slight, but I estimate I’ve probably had at least a dozen different oncologists and surgeons over the years (all of whom are, professionally, world-class). She gets bonus points for thinking of “Captain America” with my new hair, which is definitely the look I was going for. She also gave me a clean bill of health and made a later appointment, and mentioned that, usually, patients who make it a year get recommended for observation. Again, I don’t think the medical establishment is prepared for someone successfully completing surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy, then shouting, “What more ya got?!” Of course, by typing that, I’ve probably guaranteed I’ll get hit by a truck tomorrow. Anyway, unlike previous versions, this FAQ is actually inspired by questions I’ve received from various sources.

1. What is the ideal l reaction to you, as a cancer patient/survivor, when you tell people you have cancer? Ideally, that you have a proven cure for cancer. Or have ties to a research group working on that. If not buy me a beer and have a little patience with me if I’m a little slower or grumpier today. Again, if you are completely stumped, go for, “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Or just show up with a pot-roast (never discount the June Cleaver approach). Really, there’s only two bad options here: indifference, or ostracizing the patient. That latter one might seem like an obvious no-no that anyone would know not to do, but, if you’ve ever not invited someone to an event or hike or whatever because you’re worried about their health, you’ve unwittingly participated. Just give us a call and we may come, or we may not. If all else fails, just send money. I know that might seem crass, but here’s the deal: the leading form of bankruptcy in the US is medical bankruptcy. It’s nigh-impossible to get back to a normal existence after something this disruptive; adding a tinge of deb-slavery makes it worse.

2. What’s Temodar really like?

Really horrible, surprisingly. You know who’s actually more-qualified to answer that than me? I mean, apart from an actual, qualified professional? Breast cancer patients. It’s not commonly given as a front-line drug, but if breast cancer starts metastasizing, I’ve heard it’s not unusual to add Temodar to the mix. Physically, it’s not too terrible - you’ll probably get constipated, but that’s usually treatable with OTC laxatives (or would be; I suffer from Unpredictable Bowel Syndcrome, so I usually reserve that sort of activity for quiet evenings at home, when I know my own bathroom is within reach). It’s painful, in a “whole body flu/hangover” kind of way, and it causes - in me and one other guy I know - weird insomnia. I’ve been able to kind of overcome both with medical marijuana, but you still don’t feel great. My main complaint with Temodar is “chemo brain’ - trouble focusing, or recalling details, etc. it’s a little too much like brain damage for me to ever be comfortable with. However, so far it’s not permanent, and it only seems to really hit the last few days of any cycle. However, it is disruptive enough that I don’t drive while on temodar, and I try to avoid any major life decisions or complex calculations or tasks.

3. With chemo/radiation, should I be worried about mouth sores, bleeding easily, or being immunocompromised?

Again, ask your doctor about that. I did and was told that as long as I washed my hands and avoided obviously sick people, I should be okay. Depending what chemo regimen you’re on, you’ll get blood-tested at various times. I trust the folks running me (as it were) to let me know the minute it looks like I might have a serious issue (one the nurses once got me a hand-out on potassium-rich foods when I tested low)(apparently, potato skins are better for potassium than bananas - who knew?), I’ve noticed I tend to bleed a little easier these days, but it’s hard to tell if that’s cancer treatment or me just being more aggressive shaving. Speaking of shaving, you’re not supposed to do that either, but, since one of the rarer side-effects of Temodar is leukemia (this is true), and one of the potential side-effects of radiation is,.. brain cancer (also true), I just decided the whole “Do this, don’t do that” list would become onerous and impossible to keep track of, and result in me living in a bubble (which would not only do nothing to help me in this struggle, and prevent me from making it to my book club). I’ve also been signed up for a number clinical trials (before anyone asks, all but two of those fell through; and I’m only in the marizomib trial and Radiation Oncologist’s neurocognitive evaluation program), and I know that - legally - the research coordinator (or nurse practitioner - I’m never really sure who gets that part of the job, unless it’s a form of administrative punishment or something) has to read to you all the potential side-effects of an experimental treatment. In the case of an experimental substance like Marizomib - which, remember, was still being tested for side effects when I signed on - that can take quite a whlle. In those situations where all the side-effects and dos and don’ts become overwhelming - which is more frequent than I’d admit - I’ve got your line: “I realize the side effects include lots of possibilities. I could die.This could make my disease worse. I could grow a third arm. But, of all the likeliest, dangerous side-effects, what are the ones I need to pay special attention to?” That usually trims a bit of fat off the safety warnings. My personal favorite in this area came when the Warlocks cleared me to go on Cycle 5 (that was kind of a big moment, because I’d had an iffy MRI before that one) SELF: Anything I should or shouldn’t do? Things I should stay away from? SENIOR WARLOCK: Yeah, lead a healthy life. He doesn’t strike me as a micromanager.

4. Should I wear a mask?

Why, yes, of course!

My apologies to BMT patients or others who really do have to wear a mask to maintain their health; If you’re in an doubt, though, ask your doctors about it, and, bear in mind that you’re never going to lead a risk-free life again, even if you beat this thing; you’re going to have to determine your new level of acceptable risk. Ultimately, I’ve decided that, at the moment, looking slightly closer to normal and not having extra things on my face to keep track of (especially since my left hand isn’t quite as dexterous as it used to be) was more important to me than potential airborne microbes or the risks thereof. I’ve heard one ER doctor claiming that we should all wear surgical masks whenever we’re in public (which, in retrospect, is an interesting stance coming from someone with a beard). With that in mind, I’d also point out something Shrink mentioned a few sessions ago; that if you physically hurt, yeah, you’re going to be inclined to stay in and avoid the gym or your friends, but your inactivity will make you feel worse. etc. It may seem like some sort of Dear Abby schlock, but it’s in keeping with the general attitude of most of the healthcare providers I’ve met around here; they want their patients living as close to a normal life as possible  (Molly, if you’re reading this, I’d say that might be something to look for in rating hospitals; if they automatically an dramatically demand all in-patient treatments all the time, be wary).

5. Will my tastes change as treatment progresses?

I’ve heard this one a lot from various people without any clear consensus. I think this is a correlation/causation mistake. I’ve gotten more assertive and aggressive post-initial-treatment just because that’s a new requirement/skill to be alive, but I don’t think that’s because of the disease or treatment (well, possibly, the night is young and they still haven’t completely established Marizomib’s safety and side-effects). Similarly, it’s possible radiation or chemo will change your tastes and/or tastebuds (I’m fairly certain biochemists were still trying to definitively demonstrate how taste works, chemically, so it’s possible that dangerous, damaging substances would permanently change that). But I think, really, it’s that your body is a constantly-changing, hostile, alien warzone, and, just like any time you’re sick and you’re aware of it, it’ll have an impact on your tastes. Just like you may not leap at the thought of a cheeseburger and fries when you have a stomach flu, you’re not going to be one for brunch if you wake up with a queasy, hung-over sensation.

And then you bring human psychology into it and that adds a whole new layer of incalculable insanity to it. I remember exactly where I was when I had my TIA (or “ministroke,” if you want to get more technical); it was a little cafe by the hospital - perfectly nice place - and I had trouble (noticeable trouble) swallowing for a few minutes. I’ve taken a neuroanatomy class, so this set off a few alarm bells, but, since it went away almost immediately, I didn’t give it much more thought until the next scan showed that horrifying little dimple (it did turn out to be a TIA, which, given my obsession with cardiac health, is a barely-noticeable radiation side-effect). Nothing permanently terrible happened to me, and I know there’s no correlation between eating at that cafe and neurological disease, and I’d still recommend to anyone looking for a place to eat, but I’m not eating there ever again. And that might be the underpinning of this complaint about changing taste, there’s just a lot of potential for really, really bad, horrifying things to happen to you at any given moment of treatment. If I have an unexpected seizure while eating toast, I don’t know if I’d ever have toast again. For healthy people for whom this might seem ridiculous (as my step-mother did), let me put it this way. Let’s say you go to your favorite restaurant, and, completely randomly, get mugged and assaulted by a roving gang of GOP congressional candidates. Badly. Like, you need a night or two in the hospital and a month in a leg cast or something. Now, when you recover, even though you’re aware it’s all random chance and circumstantial, would you go back to the same restaurant? I still love steak burritos and beer, but nothing terrible’s happened to me while eating them (yet, anyway). That’s my guess, but there isn’t any hard data to support it.