#I have a lot of feelings about her atm
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Ended up getting Tranquil!Jowan in Criseyde's worldstate and, firstly, 😭😭😭
Secondly. This does open up a very fun possibility for a Lilit/Jowan AU where Jowan is the Tranquil one instead of Lilit. Given that I decided ages ago that Lilit never got transferred to Ferelden in this timeline, and that the Circle did get annulled so they're gonna need to get more mages in from somewhere.
Thirdly. As much as I was toying with the idea of Cris helping Jowan escape in a rare moment of rebellion against the Circle. This works much better with where she's going. In spite of everything, Jowan ended up getting made Tranquil anyway. Nothing she did mattered. Maybe that was what was meant to happen all along.
#da#speak faust#lilit surana#criseyde amell#my poor tragic girl ;-;#I have a lot of feelings about her atm#thinking about how most Wardens post-DA:O have this confidence to them#bc it's hard not to after you near-singlehandedly stop a Blight#Cris never gets to have that. she's young and scared and in over her head and then she dies.#o(-<
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annoying a guy is foreplay to claire
#oc: claire swanson#i knowwww i talk about this a lot but#claire is a serial dater and she dumps every guy that Feels Weird to her#Feeling Weird = he likes her too much#a guy must hate claire a little bit otherwise it’s over#if a girl hates claire she kills herself#except bianca#they have something else entirely going on#chris winters was too nice to her and now hes forever relegated to her personal atm
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Sometimes I want to yell at you to update your fics but I remember you’re a whole ass lawyer and have a life.
also writers block dont forget the writers block
#not to mention juggling all my interests#i actually write a lot of fics in my free time! but atm my total drama fics have all hit a wall#ill cycle back once ive had some time to shake off the cobwebs as it were#for now ill keep re-reading and being like 'who wrote this how do i coax her out again'#also anon i know this wasnt your intent so this is more of a general announcement#but no one is obligated to update their fics regardless of whether theyre employed or married or have kids or whatever#not that im abandoning my wips (i would NEVER. well. maybe#not atm) but if i wanted to? even if for no reason? thats something i could do#one thing about me: if im not enjoying doing something in my free time? im not doin it#as much as i love sharing my work with yall and hearing your always kind and wonderful feedback (i love yall thanks for reading)#that doesnt mean i owe you more of it#i feel very lucky to be able to share my writing and have people love it but at the end of the day its a hobby#a hobby i love and enjoy the shit out of but a hobby all the same#im entitled to pick it up and put it down as much as i like#and even. as crazy as it sounds. walk away.
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thinking about the mlm and transmasc rep situation again and i think the thing that gets me about it is how exceedingly easy and completely inconsequential it would be for a single writer to just sprinkle in a bit of rep. like a bulk of the queer rep we already have is via random npc dialogue out in city maps or festivals or something and is not even voice acted. you literally have to change NOTHING and dont even need to pay for extra voice lines to just change a single pronoun or word in some npc's pop-up text from "girlfriend" to "boyfriend". this is not a replacement for centered, featured representation with actually memorable chararacters played by queer actors or so on, but it'd be SOMETHING and it's amazing in a sad way that we have like actually nothing right now
#my stuff#sorry this is one of the very few gw2 things i still start getting a little tilted about#they should make chul-moo gay i think.#he has kind of a Quality to him#edit: forgot my train of thought hang on#i forgot to say that part of why this would be so easy is that its how this happened in the past#sya was added to the game by a dev named teddy who im unsure if she still works at anet anymore#(im unsure if she still goes by teddy but thats what i remember her by so)#teddy herself is a trans woman and wrote in sya when she was assigned to add npcs to the new lions arch#teddy worked on a number of areas of the game over the years and she was ALSO responsible for the onscreen kasjory kiss#(and also for making raids work. which isnt lgbt but like good for her)#so it was this one dev who was trans and iirc gay? maybe? who took it upon herself to add the rep she wanted to see#which is so fantastic and i just wish like#that we could get More Of That#its possible that anet doesnt have mlm or transmasc writers atm but i feel Doubt about that#i think a lot of it has to do with games still being a 'boys space' and making mlm rep a hard sell#its sad
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my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)
me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha
#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at#like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here!#i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE#i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality#and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way#& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person#but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone#like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH#idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better#and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell#not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell#that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point#i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people#and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off#when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards#hella goes home
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I hate getting into something that has a canon(ish) sapphic couple, but I only end up caring about one of the two women 😭😭😭
#warrior nun? only cared about beatrice couldn't really get behind ava much#the locked tomb? INSANE for gideon. harrow is like cool I guess (I feel like I should like her more than I do idk)#and now dungeon meshi. I knoowwwww I'm going to love falin. 10 episodes in and I already find her relatable and awesome and so cool and sexy#AND SHE BECOMES A DRAGON LIKE FUCK MAN (she's still dead atm but soon soooooon)#marcille on the other hand?? I mean she's fine... but I'm not really drawn to her (I like namari a lot more tbh)#and the thing is I know part of it is the feminization of all three of them#I am not attracted to femininity pretty much ever (outside of a super sexed up version in which case gugh)#and ava and marcielle both have a very bubbly personality type that has never really drawn me in ever#they can have cool stories and I can enjoy them in that. but I have no desire to seek them out outside of that#and harrow... honestly I think it might be the way fandom sees her that makes me not care much about her?#also my feelings about the series as a whole by the end of nona probably don't help#BUT I definitely think a big part for all three is the femininity. none of their counterparts that I DO love are overly fem#(and HONESTLY I don't think harrow should be either and the fact hardly no one actually makes her butch the way I see her pisses me off)#((she CANONICALLY hated her long hair!!!!!!!!! stop giving her anything more than a buzz cut I'm going to attack you!!!!!!))#also. marcielle has green eyes and I'm sorry but I just can't 😭#I need every single character ever in existence to only ever have brown/black or gold/yellow eyes#stop with the blue and the green 😭 please#ANYWAY POINT BEING: I hate that this happens to me because I end up not getting obsessed with the ship#and mostly only getting into the single character but then I don't want to read fic about just one person#so I try out the ship stuff and shocker no one writes the other character in a way I like so I don't read it#and then I feel bad cause all my ships and main characters I'm obsessed over are men#and then I complain all the fandom favs and mcs in stories are men#but like I'm contributing to the problem!!!! but like I'm not attracted to hannibal but I like his personality#I'm not attracted to optimus but I love how fucked up his whole deal with megatron is#I DO love both luffy and zoro even though I'm not really attracted to either of them#the lotr/hobbit ships.... eh I love the world and I love dwarves and I will do anything for them so the characters don't matter much lol#AND THATS THE ISSUE 😭 the worlds of warrior nun and tlt and most of what i've seen of dungeon meshi don't really entrance me much#so I don't get into the ships for that. and I'm not attracted to both people in the ship. and I can't relate/project on both in the ship#and sometimes I find one character type less likable/annoying so that makes me not want to engage
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i feel kinda crazy bc whenever i was a teenager i created this sorta imaginary older big sister who had moved out of the house so in my head i could live w her whenever i wanted bc she had survived it all and was independent and she would also just comfort me in a big sisterly way whenever something bad or upsetting happened and recently ive been going back to that at my big age 😭 and its kinda sad and also just wish fulfillment and also kinda scary bc i really used to think that by my age i'd have everything sorted but i really don't and i know that's normal and nobodies twenties are perfect but some people also have good relationships w their fathers which is crazy just to think about sooo
#is this readable? i hope not ❤️#i typed up some of my feelings about this in a word doc and just realised like damn i basically have an imaginary friend as an adult#i really am crazy lol#i just feel lonely within my family atm. bc my brother is younger than me so he could never really do anything to help#and i feel like i cant really trust my mam the same anymore..even tho i still love her a lot#and i'm trying to improve my relationship w my dad bc im realising what a hard life he had and that he's not like an irredeemable Bad Perso#and sometimes he'll look at me a certain way or apologise for something small that he would never have apologised for a couple of years ago#and i feel like im going crazy like is he becoming a better person or..? and i feel bad bc im not really doing the same#or maybe i am. sometimes i think im unfair to him considering how he is now but i also cant really reconcile what he is now w/ how he#was then. and then he'll suddenly say something to me in a certain tone of voice or with a certain sharpness and i'll go back to how a felt#as a teenager :/ i rlly dont know what to do about it but i think its because i dont really have anyone to talk to about it#i mean i sort of do. but i also dont actually know how much of it actually happened and how much of it i just made up#but having worked w teenagers yeah they can be little shits but i also cant imagine treating any of them the way my dad treated me#just bc theyre annoying or have an attitude or are a little mean or whatever#like theres actually a lot of ppl i could talk to but also how do you even bring something like this up#how do i say 'oh and i invented an older sister as a coping mechanism and sometimes i still talk to her in my head' without sounding crazy#its 2am here i need to go to bed i have work in the morning 😭 day and night and next day ruined bc my dad spoke to me slightly funny
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read the ganji letter leaks... trying to decide how i feel.
#ooc#i see a lot of people saying it's racist and i feel like as a white person; it's not my place to decide if it is or isn't??#not sure i phrased that right but#i do think annie was never as innocent as people thought so her wariness and aggression towards ganji makes sense; especially with the drug#but i always interpreted her as feeling that way because of his manic episodes / general closed-off nature that scared her.#I don't like this letter claiming that anne was given an ''unfavorable impression'' of him due to his ''strange accent'' as well...#i say claimed because we know the narrator of these letters is biased but like#it feels unnecessary. realistic for the time? maybe. but realism isn't the only thing that matters in a story.#i honestly got the impression from the letter that the majority of her distrust of him was due to his ''manic'' outbursts???#more than anything else#but again... i don't want to be like ''it's not actually racism guys'' when i'm white. and i do think the letter has like.#problematic undertones /at the very least./#just kind of disappointed in netease for this one. i don't think it was intentional on their part but that doesn't make it better.#like it upset a lot of people so clearly it didn't have to be written that way#as for whether or not i'll keep annie as a muse... undecided atm#my personal interpretation is as above but i wouldn't blame people for being uncomfortable with her from now either#so... i'll think about it?? maybe add content warnings for her in my rules?? idk#racism tw //#anyway this is just how i feel atm! i realize everyone will interpret things differently but. still.#( also i can send anyone the leaks if they want to see the letter; just ask! )#idv leaks //
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reading springfest now after everything in nagazora is making me crave more fu hua and mei interactions. i feel like thus far in my go through, i've never actually seen them interact, but it's kinda fun that the person who made the recommended reading order put springfest after nagazora (though of course this is probably in preparation for whatevers going on with senti/fu hua rn in ch 19)
but the way that the empyrea isolates herself so she doesn't have any attachment to those who she will outlive and how she winds up becoming lonely as a result threw me back to mei isolating herself in world serpent so that she can protect kiana and just... idk..... i think the two talk about that isolation would be interesting
also. i love fu hua. she's still at the top of my list for best character so i'm just a happy little guy getting more fu hua content now in the story :> yippee fu hua
#idk who to ramble to about honkai so hi#avil plays hi3#ill probably liveblog my thoughts as i read through springfest and UH#blade of the empyrean!#but im excited :> then after that i gotta go through the 7 blades visual novel ^7^ that one has sushang!! i havent met her in the game yet#but i do have her !!!#its kinda interesting though because sushangs ultimate in hi3 is yanqing's ultimate in hsr. or i guess yanqing as a boss???#idk. so im like HMMMMMMMM WHATS UP THERE WHATS GOING ON#i wonder if theres a character sorter for hi3 actually#if i had to say who my top 5 are atm for honkai#its probably like fu hua mei kiana kevin and sakura ???#kiana is so easy. like if i loved oz vessalius how could i NOT love kiana we sure love vessel characters LJSHDFLASKDHFLAKSH#maybe its also recency effect though for mei but also. characters who isolate thinking that its the best htey could do to protect#like NO YOU IDIOT GET LOVED!!!!! GET L O V E D#they kinda get me#AND WELT I FORGOT WELT HOW COULD I DO THAT......#i feel like welt over kevin tbh#but thats super hard to say on my end alkdjfha#YOU KNOW i wouldve also said rita because i think rita is so fun#but i still dotn know enough about her#but personality wise i think shes so funny in a very stereotypical anime villain esque way LOL#also she is so catty too like what was she doing picking a fight with natasha LKAJHDLAFKJSDFH#OH I ALSO LOVE RITA AND NATASHA...#tbh i havent run into a character that i absolutely Hate in honkai yet....#at least not that i remember#if i hated them i probably forgot about them LMAOOOOO#like even durandal? i love durandal in the manga. she doesnt really stand out to me MUCH yet in the game but i loved her a lot in the manga#but for me durandal is low on the list for now. but that doesnt mean i dislike her i think shes cool but just hasnt done anything in#particular that caught my attention yet alskjdfahl#rambling WHOOPS ASLKJDFA
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Flora was pretty visibly shaken after losing her best friend, so that night, while she was sitting alone processing, Fanaedar sent over a dancing light in the form of a butterfly to try to "subtly" comfort her... and then promptly attempted to disguise that it was him who did it
#i thought for sure she wasnt gonna realize it was from him with her 9 insight but then fanaedar went and rolled a 4 on deception so-#art#dungeons and dragons#dnd#dnd pc#d&d#but he totally doesn't have a crush guys definitely not#the next day everyone had to hold hands to not get lost through the feywilds and flora was holding his and gave it a squeeze in thanks#also this night when she started to get more sad to the point of crying he woke up the druid zenny by snapping in her face and disappearing#so she could go comfort flora#and again tried to pass it off as not being him to do it#she's bout to figure out about her crush I can feel it she's just got a lot of other stuff on her mind atm
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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I love my gx winx au and I love that it's just bits and pieces of me being like oh that's fun and not having any semblance of lore or plot. It's purely contained to the character designs I've drawn for the girls.
#it will stay contained to art too it's not something I'd ever write#like I know absolutely nothing about this au of mine but I'm obsessed with it all the same#like I learn something new about it every time I've drawn something#I don't draw a lot for it yall have seen everything I've done and it's usually just a drawing of alexis cuz I love her design lol#but like I'm doing panels for it rn right? and like it's just coming together like the story of what's happening atm#and that's like the only story there actually is rn but it's just falling into place#so I can actually make something of substamce out of this tiny concept I had for a drawing I wanted to try because I had an itch and it grew#that doesn't really happen to me anymore like I haven't felt a spark like that since I wrote OUAD#nothing I've written since has felt the same#and like I said this isn't something I would write into a fic or anything it would just be too much but it's really everything to me rn#something I can come back to and dip my toe in whenever I really feel like I need a spark again and it just makes me happy#I grew up with 4kids winx club so another reason I'd never write anything for real is because I refuse to watch any other version#like I've tried I just can't do it my mind rejects any other version so I only know the universe to a point anyway and but that was my thin#it made me so happy as a kid and it still does now like those are my girls and they mean the world to me and being able to play#within that space with other characters I'm obsessed with and combine into something that miraculously works is amazing#I need to draw more stuff for this au I guess is my whole point#I need to see what other things can..... bloom....... (heh) within that space and what will just manifest before me#I need that something to make me feel that spark again because I don't want to lose it forever and I think I'm starting to find it again#life has just been knocking down over and over lately and it's destroyed so much of my mental state and honestly randomly deciding to try#and actually draw actual stuff for this au has been so healing. I almost feel lighter#it feels stupid amd silly to say but it's true#abby's just rambling don't mind her
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I was thinking earlier about the fact that the character I’m currently obsessed with (Blanche — and the rest of the Golden Girls, but mostly Blanche) and the last character I was obsessed with before her (Pearl Steven Universe) seem to have nothing in common except feminine presentation, which was so strange to me.
Then I figured out they both fit into the “character who had a long, encompassing Great Love at some point in their life, was immensely hurt by the loss of said Great Love, and is slowly trying to put themselves back together and overcome their fear to love again” definition and. Oh. Not so strange after all.
#this says a lot about me as a person huh.#love when I end up accidentally psychoanalysing myself through these things lmao#I’ll be adding ‘character type: widow’ to my list of favourite character traits#like literally they couldn’t be more different. i was so puzzled and then#they are fairly different even within that definition but the Loss of a Great Love is such a crucial trait for both of them#and I suppose it shows#I have so many feelings about Blanche’s marriage and the death of her husband ngl. I have Lots of Feelings about all the Girls#but atm Blanche’s widowhood is especially prominent in my mind for some reason#(as is the way she deals with grief and pain and fear. oh lord she is so dear to me)#the golden girls#steven universe
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god... family are so frustrating sometimes lol...
#personal#ok so lemme just rant#so my sister's getting married this yr in italy#and like we've known about this since last yr#plus they published a website with a lot of info about flights etc about it earlier this yr#so it's not like they've left us (as in the rest of my fam) in the dark about it#but suddenly my eldest siblings are acting like it's the most Stressful and Unexpected thing to happen#like yes it will be stressful cos travelling IS stressful#as is specifically travelling somewhere where u dont speak the language (which none of us do... i am learning tho)#and like NONE of them literally none of them have thought to ask my sister (and her italian fiancé) about anything#like yeh she's p busy atm with planning the wedding BUT she's also the one with the most experience of travelling to and from italy#as is her ITALIAN FINACE lol??? like...#like neither of them are gonna want their family super stressed about travelling and airports and hotels etc#like just fucking ASK them!!!!!#i think it bothers me cos they seem to be making it out that my sis picked this to make it difficult for them???#or smth like 'ugh wHY couldnt she just get married in the uk??'#when they picked italy a) because her fiance's grandma is in her 90s and so wouldnt b able to travel#b) they had decided on italy before his sister tragically died last yr (she had cancer)#c) because it's their wedding and they wanted to ??????#idk idk#i'm just pissed cos like... we make SO many fucking allowances for them (the eldest 2)#but as soon as one of us younger siblings want something suddenly it's like we've asked them to move the moon or smth...#like ive talked abut this before but my 2nd eldest sister is literally ALWAYS late to family events#and like yeh we treat it like a joke but it is fucking annoying#cos she's never late to her work or if she has a flight or whatever#and it just feels like she doesnt respect or put value into her family as much as those things#and this whole thing has just kinda proved that even more...#and i reiterate: this is my SISTER'S wedding it is fundamentally not about any of us lol#ugh idk
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can’t tell you how tempted i am to be absolutely silly and bring more fantasy oc’s onto this blog and create a whole world
#would that be fun for y’all be honest#bc i am staring so hard at all of my fantasy oc’s rn#flora who is my lil actress running away from marriage and falling into a different time/realm#rin who is my annoying elf who likes to be the thorn in everyone’s side and somehow!! is still frustratingly charming!!#gnorman whose name isn’t gnorman but bc that’s what rin calls him it’s what everyone calls him asdfg#he’s a dwarven rogue and so tired of everybody’s crap#begrudgingly takes rin under his wing#and then eva!!!! who rin takes under /her/ wing!!!!#listen i just have many thoughts about a lot of things and i’m really feeling the lore atm#get ready to ramble | ooc
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There is so much to unpack from this message I got from an online uni friend (whom I have never met and we just reconnected after ages of not talking)
#I just want to say that I did feel very shocked by the way she said it and this whole message in general#like how does not having Instagram or any form of social media equates to having depression#BUT from her point of view I can actually understand what she’s trying to say and that she is somewhat looking out for me#we did follow each other on ig but then I couldn’t deal with social media anymore so I basically deactivated it and obviously from her pov#I just disappeared out of nowhere#and for someone to do that - you have lots of things going on like literally what happened etc etc#plus we do talk from time to time before i deactivated so in all honesty the more I think and feel - I think she’s just curious to know#where I am in life atm because I literally lost all contact with everyone lmao#but at the same time I do feel it’s the usage of social media and how dependent ppl are on it nowadays that just#irks me I guess. like I’m still iffy about a lot of things u know?#anyways. many feelings and thoughts and everything thank u 4 reading this if u are I’m giving u a hug
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