#I have a couple memories like that that I know I'll never recover

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Cold as ice

a/n I honestly hope you all will cry the way I cried writing this because now I genuinely need four to five business days to recover. Because never have I actually needed to take a minute to sob in the middle of writing.

summary: what happens when Ellie stumbles upon a memorial that turns out to have both your and Joel's kids names on it. When the past pain is brought back to the daylight even the coldest of hearts finally break.

warning: pain and suffering first and foremost, tissues ain't included. Blood, wounds, shooting, killing, multiple death, loosing your kids.

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Ellie had slipped out of the shower. She hated being separated from you and Joel. So the fact that you walked away from her, leaving her with Maria, didn't sit well with her whatsoever. You had hugged her tightly before leaving, promising to be back as soon as possible and that you three would eat dinner together as you always did.

She had gotten extremely close to you. Yet there was something in Joel's eyes when he watched you hug Ellie that told her that there was more than you two let her know. She was aware that you two had been together long before the outbreak; she assumed you were married from the bent ring that was on your finger. But besides that, she knew nothing. Well, that you could handle Joel's shit the best of anyone Ellie had met.

She had seen and heard Joel mumbling in his sleep. Watched you rub his back with a sad expression on your face. And the same went for you, just when your nightmare hit - they hit you hard. Ellie had been woken up by your screams in the middle of the night. Joel's calm voice tries to make you calm down. She had only once turned to look at all of this unfolding; most of the time she just pretended that she was fast asleep. "Don't let them, Joel", you cried, "Don't", "I'm so sorry", Joel would sway you from side to side. His own eyes glossed over with tears. "Should have let me die instead. I should have died," you choked out, clenching the shirt Joel was wearing. His face looked stone cold as you clawed at him, sobbing.

Ellie never brought those nights up. If she teased Joel for speaking in his sleep, she had never said anything about your nightmares out loud. After nights like that, she would shimmy closer to you. Making sure she would be holding onto your hand more often or just hugging you every moment she could. Ellie couldn't help the feeling inside her that told her that you needed her.

Ellie hurried down the stairs, zipping the pink jacket she despised solely because of its outrageously girly color. Maria had left the note that she was just across the street, and as much as Ellie enjoyed being alone. She needed to kill time before you two came back. Plus, being away from you made her rather uneasy. She knocked on the door a couple of times. Yet no one answered. After more failed attempts, Ellie just let herself in. "Maria," she called out, stepping into the hallway. The house looked nice and was well lived in. Ellie had never seen anything like it. Even the smell seemed homely. She stepped into the living room, where the fire was crackling in the fireplace. Her eyes fell onto the three names written down with white chalk, surrounded by candles. Kevin, Sarah, and Malakai. Ellie couldn't help but frown.

"Ah, good, here you are. Try it on," Maria said, making Ellie jump as she turned away from the bored and took the coat from her hands. "Well, it's super fucking purple," "Eggplant, fits well?", Maria questioned, and Ellie nodded her head. "Who's been cutting your hair?", Ellie gave the woman a crooked look. "Am… world-class salons," she sassed back, making Maria let out somewhat of a chuckle. "I'll go get my sizers," Ellie argued immediately, but Maria stood firm, "Just the ends I promised."

The sound itself made Ellie cringe as she held onto the side of the chair for dear life. She hated this. Hated getting her hair cut. "I saw you looking at the memorial Tommy made", Ellie swallowed hard once Maria spoke up once again. She hoped this wouldn't be brought up, but then again, she was snooping. "I'm sorry about your kids," Ellie choked out, thankful that she didn't have to look her in the eye. Maria's movements stopped. "It's okay and kid. Just Kevin. Sarah and Malakai were Joel's and Y/N's kids", and a cold shiver ran down Ellie's back. Kids. You two had kids and lost both of them. "I'm sorry, shouldn't have said anything", "It's okay, it… It explains Joel's behavior and why Y/N…", but her voice died down. Maria didn't need to know about your nightmares.

"Look, I won't ask you what you are doing with them, especially Joel…" "Good," Ellie bit back. "You need to understand my concerns", Maria walked right in front of her, but Ellie only glared her way, "Be concerned about your husband, who did the same shit, if not worse". Maria let out a surprised sigh, "You have one hell of a mouth," and Ellie quickly stood up, shrugging off the towel that was over her shoulders, "And you are one hell of a sister-in-law if all you can do is throw shit at Joel." The adrenaline rushed through Ellie the moment the words slipped past her lips. She didn't regret them, but at the same time, she knew she shouldn't have. It was, however, too late. So she quickly stormed out of the house.

Her breathing picked up as she ran. Quickly slamming the doors behind herself. "Ellie?", your voice rang through the place, and she almost sank to the floor with relief. Like a lost animal, she darted towards the kitchen, meeting you midway as you stepped out into the hallway. Throwing her arms around your torso as she pressed herself closer to you. You couldn't help but frown as your hands ran through her hair. Confused as to what had happened, "Love, you are worrying me. What's going on?" You tried to loosen Ellie's grip on you, but she just clenched your shirt tighter.

Ellie almost felt like she suddenly couldn't face you. She shouldn't have found out like that. So she quickly stepped back and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. The worry inside you grew even more as you watched her. "Sweet girl, should I go get Joel?", you asked, but Ellie quickly shook her head, only now realizing that this involved him as much as it involved you. "Okay, well, you know you can tell me anything. I can't help if I don't know what happened," you said, softly reaching for Ellie's hand. Just this didn't feel like anything. This felt like the biggest thing ever.

"I'm sorry," Ellie rasped out, "I wasn't… I didn't want to… but they had a memorial," Ellie cried out, and suddenly it all started to make sense. You moved to wrap her up in your arms once again, "No one is blaming you; you were bound to find out eventually." You ran your hands through Ellie's hair once again. With a sigh, you clenched the necklace that hung over your chest. "You want to know the story of me and Joel?", you asked, making Ellie look up at you with mixed emotions. You nodded your head, "Well, let's make tea and sit down somewhere more comfortable." You knew that this was going to be one painful set of memories to unlock. But she deserved it. She was part of the family now.

And what a journey it had been. You met Joel in a supermarket. Where he was frantically looking for baby formula. The baby he was supporting with one hand screamed bloody murder. "Hello," you said cautiously, not wanting to startle him any further. His helpless, tired eyes snapped your way. You could tell that he most definitely hadn't slept in more than a couple of days. If not his eyes telling you that, then his overgrown and unkempt beard did. This male was a mess. "Do you mind if I", you pointed to the bundled-up baby, "You're in distress, and they feel it. Babies are sensitive to emotions", Joel's shoulders sagged; it looked like your words had finally defeated him.

"Just stand here. If you even think about doing something to hurt her…," you looked at him with a knowing smile. Trusting your blood and soul with a stranger was no joke. Especially being a newly baked parent. Plus, fathers were already way more protective. Especially of their girls. You pressed your hand to the heart, "I'll stand right here, just want to help". Joel nodded his head. Dropping down the box of formula he was holding as he moved towards you, lowering the bundle into your hands.

Even with her face all red and screaming her little lungs out, she was so pretty. You gently rocked her in your arms, "It's okay, gorgeous girl. Why are you crying, love bug?", you cooed at her. Fingers carefully ran down her cheek as you wiped away her big tears. "Shhh, sweet girl, you've got your daddy all worried. We don't want that, do we?" The cries slowly died down, and her big, still-damp eyes stared right at you.

Joel felt like someone had sent this as a cruel joke. His wife, the mother of his child, should be doing this, not some stranger in the middle of the supermarket. "Grab the mixture on the second shelf, more to your right", your voice made Joel snap his head in your direction once again. "I assumed you were looking for a formula. So that one should do her good. Won't upset her stomach if she's also breastfed", Joel clenched his jaw at your words. No, Sarah was not. Her mother had vanished. She didn't even know what a mother was or what it would feel like to have one.

You sensed the tension. Slowly stepping closer to the male, one hand resting on his shoulder. "Don't take this as an insult because I'm sure you are an amazing father. But do you want me to pop by and help out while you rest a little?" You had an odd feeling that the mother wasn't in the picture. That he was all alone. And the baby wasn't older than a month or a bit more. If this man was juggling that alone. Well, that must have been hard.

You hummed to yourself as you fixed up a light dinner from whatever you managed to find in Joel's fridge. Considering the empty cardboard boxes all over the place, it's been a hot minute since he had a proper meal himself. Once he drove you back to his, you quickly ushered him upstairs. Telling him to take a bath and catch some sleep. You knew that he would have fought you on it. If only he wasn't running on the last bits of energy. And you weren't snooping, but while you were cleaning up the kitchen, you found an open letter. A letter you assumed was from Joel's wife. She had left them two without anything, not even a proper explanation. You knew it wasn't your place to judge; motherhood was tough. Not all women were built to be mothers. You had written down instructions for Joel. How do fix a bottle. What different formulas do get, and how to switch them up if Sarah got an upset stomach per se. You wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. Even if you two had known each other for less than a day.

Joel stepped down the stairs hours later. Beard trimmed, eyes less puffy. He found you on the sofa reading a book to Sarah. One of her tiny fists was wrapped around your finger as your soft voice filled the room, "Why are you smiling? Am I that funny?", you cooed at her, making Sarah let out a happy grumble, "Ah, we even lost the pacifier with all the smiling, huh," you pinched her cheek carefully.

Joel was lost for words, to say the least. This was how he saw his family. This was what he hoped he would come down to with his wife. A sob that had held up for weeks, now finally escaped his lips, making you turn his way in an instant. You carefully set Sarah down before approaching him. Opening up your arms in case he needed a hug but keeping a distance in case this was overstepping his boundaries. Yet Joel did fall into your arms. He mumbled out all of his worries and questions that had been bothering him. He had no clue what he was doing. How nothing made sense to him now.

That night, and the many that followed, completely transformed you two. You had practically moved into the Millers' house. You lived not that far away, but the apartment was small, and since the job, you had only managed to cover the rent costs; you were barely getting by as it was. Joel needed someone to look after Sarah while he worked, so having you in the house solved that issue for him. But with each passing week and more, you three fell into somewhat of a routine, and you couldn't help but notice how right this all felt. You always wanted to be a young mom anyway. Sure, the baby wasn't yours, but that meant nothing to you. You cherished Sarah as if she was your blood and flesh. Joel loved that Sarah would grow up having you in her life. A true mother figure and did not doubt that as soon as his daughter learned how to talk, she would without a doubt refer to you as a mother.

Now, almost 12 years later, you still found yourself smiling every time you thought back at the time you and Joel came together, clawing through the struggles as one. "Morning", Sarah ran down the stairs, quickly coming to kiss your cheek as she moved to grab plates for everyone. "Morning, darling, is your father awake?", "Banged on the door loudly, but he's getting old wouldn't be surprised if he didn't hear", you let out a chuckle at her words. She often teased Joel about getting old. Especially now that his first gray hair had sprouted.

"Is Momo up?", Sarah asked, missing the sight of her brother in the kitchen. You turned to the living room, "Tommy is watching cartoons with him." Malakai was a surprise baby, to say the least. You and Joel weren't trying to get pregnant, but at the same time, you weren't always all that safe when it came to sex. When you feel pregnant, you generally couldn't help but have the fear of Joel walking out on you. Yes, you two had gotten engaged not that long ago, but the conversation of having kids together was never a thing.

Yet Joel didn't do anything but cry once you told him. He wrapped you up in his arms as you two swayed in the kitchen at two in the morning, where you had waited for him to return from his shift. "Tell me again; I still can't believe it," he muttered into your ear for what felt like a thousand times, "I am pregnant with your baby." Joel shook his head still, "Baby Miller..", he let out a breathy laugh. Hands coming to hold his head. With you? A baby with you? The most amazing woman on this earth. He surely didn't deserve it, but he was more than grateful for it.

"I know we might get tight on money. I do want to work till I get too big..", you blurred out, letting your biggest worries out. Joel quickly cupped your face, "Don't you worry your cute head about that. I will take more shifts, and we will be fine", yet you still frowned at him. You didn't want him to work any more than he already did. It felt wrong to let him carry the income burden on his own. "I can still work", "I will only agree to that if you are feeling one thousand percent sure that you can do that. I would much more prefer you stayed at home." You did figure it all out, as you always did. Sarah was over the moon to get a sibling, and now more than ever, this felt like a family.

Joel hurried down the stairs just as Sarah came back with Malakai in her arms. Your husband quickly leaned in to kiss you as he grabbed a cup of coffee. "Birth-a", Malakai clapped. Sarah leaned in to whisper something into his ear once again. "Daddy Old," he said happily, making you let out a laugh, especially when that proud smirk painted Sarah's face. Joel shook his head, "I'll send Cooky Monster after you two. Come here and hug me, you crazy bunch." Watching your kids wrapped up in Joel's strong arms always made you feel some type of way. He was the best father a child could ask for.

"No pancakes?", Sarah grumbled as she looked at the scrambled eggs in front of her, "Frown at your father, he forgot to buy it". It was a tradition to have pancakes on birthday mornings. One that all four of you took very seriously. But with the job load only getting bigger, you couldn't blame Joel for forgetting to get it. "Will we at least get the cake?", "I'll buy one on my way home, I promise," Joel said, scuffing down the egg. Sleeping in meant more rushing, especially when he still needed to drop Sarah off at school.

"Good cause it would be a shit birthday if we didn't at least get that", she said in frustration, "Language young lady", you nudged her shoulder. "Your shirt is insane out, handsome", you pointed your fork Joel's way as he dropped the empty plate in the sink. "No, it is not," he argued, looking down, "Dad, you are seriously getting old," Joel grumbled while taking off his shirt. You moved to feed Malikai, trying to hide your smile.

"You and I, tonight after the kids are asleep. I have special plans with you", Joel cupped your face, leaning in to kiss you a couple of times. "Gross!", Sarah shouted from the hallway, making you two laugh. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Miller", you packed his lips one more time. God, was letting go of this man hard. "I know what I am still capable of," Joel teased back, making you raise your eyebrows, " I'll be the judge of that tonight, sir."

You three had already eaten dinner. Malakai had been sleeping on your chest for quite some time. Sarah dozed off slightly as you waited for Joel to come home. He was late. That, of course, upset Sarah. You wished it was different. That she would see more of him. You hoped that now that you had landed a pretty good job deal, you could balance it out. That Joel could be home more often, and the kids wouldn't have to miss him that much.

The sound of the keys jingling made you stir as you noticed Joel walking into the living room. He was tired, as always. Sarah stirred from beside you. "You're so late," she mumbled, leaning more into you as you ran a hand through her hair. "I know, baby girl; I'm so sorry." Joel kneeled in front of her, carefully tickling her side in hopes to make the grumpy go away. "Did you at least get the cake?", Joel cursed under his breath. All the way home, he knew he had forgotten something, but it only hit him now. "Are you for real, dad?", "I promise I'll get the biggest cake I can get for you all tomorrow."

Sarah looked up at him, letting out a sigh as she reached to wrap her hands around her father's neck. Joel pressed her close to his chest, holding her just a tad harder than most evenings. "I got you something but it's upstairs", she said rubbing her sleepy eyes. Once she had disappeared from the room, you turned to Joel. "I'm so sorry for messing it up," he muttered, sitting down next to you. "Jokes on you, you messed your birthday up." You leaned closer to him. Malakai grumbled in his sleep, his eyes opening for a moment. The sight of his father finally being home made him reach for Joel. He instantly scooped the boy up, pressing a loving kiss to the top of his curly hair as he rocked him a couple of times. Malakai eased into sleep immediately. And you weren't too surprised about it—the warmth Joel carried was enough to make anyone fall asleep within seconds.

"Open up," Sarah said as she handed Joel a box. He shook it a couple of times, trying to inspect it without seeing it. "I know it was laying in your drawer for some time now", "Where did you get the money for it?", Joel looked at the old watch that he had to give up on years ago. "Drugs," Sarah said casually, making you let out a laugh that Joel joined soon after. "I think you got mugged, though it's not ticking." Joel pushed the watch to his ear, and Sarah's face paled as she moved to grab it out of her father's hands. The sound of ticking filled her ears, making her roll her eyes and say, "Not funny, dad."

You moved to wrap your arms around her, dragging her onto the bed with you. She would be sandwiched between you and Joel. "How about a movie, and then I'll tuck my two gremlins into bed", Sarah playfully hit Joel's chest, "Mom, will fall asleep within minutes", she turned to watch you already almost dozing off. "I won't say I won't, but I'm giving you ten minutes, and you will be out as well", you hugged her closer, eyes falling onto Joel who looked down on you two fondly.

"If I knew what was going to happen that night… I would", your voice died down, "I don't even know what I would have changed, but I wish I could go back, you know? To try to do something differently", Ellie looked at you. If you had let yourself smile a little at the thought of the happy memories she knew that now was the time when the real shit was going to go down. Ellie inched closer to you. Leaving her cup on the table as she took a hold of your hand once again.

"I have four civilians by the river," the male said sharply into the radio. "Joel," you whispered, pressing Momo closer to your chest as your breathing picked up. Joel wished he could reach for you and hold you close as well, but he knew that now that was impossible. "We'll be okay, love. All of us will be okay," Joel whispered, his eyes not leaving the soldier in front of him. "Uncle Tommy," Sarah whispered, looking between you and Joel. "We'll get you two and mommy somewhere safe, and I'll go back to look for him," Joel said as calmly as he could, pressing Sarah even closer to him.

The soldier lifted the gun, making you shake your head. "We're not sick", Joel managed to say before the shots rang out. Everything that happened after that was a blur and a slow-motion movie at the same time. The fall off the curb. The cries from Malakai rang out even louder than the bullets. You fell right beside Joel, your hands clinging to the boy and pressing him closer to you. The light from the gun made you close your eyes once again. "I'm sorry", you heard the soldier rasp out, "No, please", Joel exhaled, moving as quickly as he could to shield your body with his own as yet another shot fired. Joel's hand pressed down onto you tightly, not even letting go when the sound around him died down.

"Oh god", Tommy's voice made Joel lift his head, turning his attention to where his younger brother was looking. And there was Sarah. Her breaths were shallow as she pressed down on her side, which was bleeding heavily. Joel felt as if his world stopped for a moment as he crowed towards her. "No… no," Joel breathed out, "You're okay, baby girl, you're okay." His eyes fell on the wound that was pouring out bright red blood. "Sarah", you called out, inching towards her, gasp leaving your mouth as you saw just how bad it was. Joel tried to move her up, but Sarah only screamed out in pain, "I know, baby, I know. I need to help you up."

Joel's eyes were on you as you sobbed by Sarah's side. Hands were now just as soaked as his with sticky blood. Joel looked at Tommy, who was holding Malakai, then back to Sarah, who was gulping down air. He couldn't let his baby die. Not here. Not now. Not his little girl. Not his butterfly. Joel pressed his palms to the shot wound harder, making Sarah roar in agony, "I know it hurts, but you will be okay". You brushed your hand over the side of her face, not trusting your words anymore.

"Tommy, help me!", Joel shouted, but once he turned his attention back to his brother, his breathing stopped. Your eyes followed Joel's gaze. Eyes grew wide at the sight of Tommy standing there with a gun pointed at his head. Malakai being dragged away by another soldier. You quickly rose to your feet. "Give me my boy!", you shouted. No longer sounding like yourself. More like a wild animal out for blood.

"That's a child. Are you going to kill a child?", you stepped closer, but only got met with the back of the gun hitting your back, making you fall back to the ground. "Please, please, I'll do anything," you croaked out, pulling yourself up as you watched the soldier stop in its tracks. The boy in his arms reached out to you as he cried. The soldier let go of Malakai, and for a split second, a rush of hope flowed through you. He was going to come back to you. Your baby boy was going to be okay.

You reached your hands towards him as he took wobbly steps towards you. "Come here, baby, come here, Momo," you called out, barely being able to see through the tears streaming down your cheeks. "Mama," he cried out, making you nod your head. And then the shot rang out. The sound that you knew was going to hunt you for the rest of your life. You saw the bullet pierce Malakai's head as his body sagged to the floor.

The scream that fell from you was far from human. The pain that pierced you was as outrageous. You quickly moved forward, ready to kill the man who had just killed both of your kids cold-heartedly. You didn't make it far as two hands quickly pulled you over to the side. Turning you away from the lifeless body of the toddler.

Joel knew he had to get to you before you joined the kids on the ground. He held onto you for dear life as you trashed in his hands, "I will fucking kill you, do you hear me? I will rip you to pieces, you fuck," you screamed, trying to get loose and out of Joel's embrace. "Let go of me, let me kill him," you spat, nails digging into Joel's arms as you tried to push them away. "I've got you; you need to breathe." His words made you stop. You looked him in the eyes for the first time that night. Another sob escaped your lips as you sank to the floor, hands ripping at the skin of your chest, "Kill me, let me die, I don't want to live", your words were broken in between harsh intakes of breath. Joel shook his head once again, wrapping his arms around you, "I need you, please, I need you".

The sound of the door closing made you jump. You had no clue when you finished telling the story. You don't remember zoning out. Ellie was still holding your hands, her own eyes puffy from crying. Joel stopped in his tracks. The sight of him was not something he imagined coming home to. Your face was pale. Streaks of tears are still visible on your cheeks. Ellie didn't look any better. "What happened?", Joel quickly closed the distance between you. "Did someone hurt you? Are you hurt?", he took a hold of your trembling hand before turning to Ellie. "I…", she started, but the world failed her. The panic inside Joel only grew.

"Ellie found out about Sarah and Momo," you whispered, closing your eyes in hopes to stop the tears from falling once again. To the sound of the names, Joel's jaw clenched as he sat down on the table that was behind him. "I'm so sorry. I just saw the memorial." Joel only shook his head. "I swear I didn't", "Ellie," Joel said firmly, making her stop.

He knew this day would come. He might be half deaf, but he wasn't blind. Joel knew that Ellie was up most nights when you would scream. And was quite surprised that she hadn't yet brought this up in any way. But then again, she wasn't a stupid girl; she knew her boundaries. You rose to your feet, and Joel was quick to steady you, yet you brushed his touch away. "I need some fresh air", "I'll come with you", Joel insisted, but you shook your head, "I want to be alone for a moment". He was going to fight that choice, but by now he had grown to understand that in moments like this, letting yourself feel it out alone, at least at the beginning, was the best option.

Ellie couldn't bring herself to look at Joel as she fidgeted with her fingers, "I didn't mean to…", "I thought I was going to lose her after it all", Joel's words took Ellie by surprise. She quickly turned her gaze toward him. Joel was staring blankly at the wall in front of him. "She did everything she could to die. I didn't sleep; I couldn't. Was too afraid that I would miss something, won't be able to stop her", he exhaled sharply, hands coming over his face for a second.

"You had the biggest impact on Y/N. I saw her smiling for the first time in twenty years when you came by", Joel shook his head. Ellie couldn't utter a single word as he continued to stare at him. "I never meant to hurt you," "You never did. I feel the safest with you. I love you both as my parents. You have been the closest thing to a family that I've ever had," Ellie blurted out quickly. Joel turned to her, his eyes glistening with tears. "I won't let anyone hurt you," Joel whispered, clenching his jaw. Ellie fell into his arms, wrapping herself around his torso. "I know because you've never let anyone down, and you're not about to start doing that now."

[lonepower]

ok you know what i need more bodysharing/brain roommates. malevolent got me feeling some kind of way and I need MORE. tvtropes has like 15 different categories that are all sort-of-but-not-really under the umbrella of what I'm looking for, and sorting through all of that is a little too unwieldy, so I'm turning to you guys. 

key factors of the specific flavor of "multiple consciousnesses stuck in the same meat suit" that I'm looking for are:

any variation of, a human (or this universe's equivalent [so like, an elf where elves are commonplace would count]) has another, nonhuman consciousness attached to them and only them in such a way that the two can communicate, and subsequently

they Banter Constantly

^that^ is probably the most important qualifier here tbh

second most important qualifier is that they are not separated at the end (this obv. doesn't apply if the thing is still ongoing). it's okay if the passenger gets a new body (cf. subnautica) or is freed from their binding (cf. baldur's gate), as long as the partnership isn't broken.

Related: they don't actually have to SHARE a body (so enchanted objects, an AI implant, a Mysterious Disembodied Voice, an imaginary friend, etc., also count). they just have to be tethered to each other such that the passenger cannot move around or function on their own without a host. (I think this is part of why it's hard to narrow down on tvtropes: it's more about the dynamic than about the specific mechanism of "possession".)

Third most important qualifier is that only the current host can hear/communicate with the passenger, even if other people around them are aware of the passenger's existence.

two humans stuck in the same body is okay as long as the other criteria are met, but I would prefer it if the host is human(/equivalent) and the passenger is not (or vice versa if the passenger/possessor is the one with control of the body, as with things like the yeerks, most demonic possession, etc).

it doesn't have to be romantic. they don't even have to like each other. conversely, it absolutely can be romantic too.

They DO have to be the POV character/s for a significant majority (like, at least 60-75%) of the work, because the internal back-and-forth is the entire point.

Bonus points if: they do actually share a body; they are either never physically separated either, or are rejoined at the end (voluntarily or otherwise); passenger has lots of setting-relevant knowledge/an alien or fantastical perspective, while host shows passenger what it's like to be Alive™; despite constantly butting heads, host and passenger work patently better as a team; super extra bonus points for all of the above 

My favorite examples of what I am looking for:

Malevolent podcast (super extra bonus points x10000000000000000)

Venom movies (this is probably the codifier for most people here tbh) (super extra bonus points)

Subnautica: Below Zero (AL-AN gets their own body but stays with Robin, and it hits all of the others)

Forspoken (super extra bonus points)

the "a bagel. two bagels." vine

(I know there's a couple others that I'm just blanking on. If I remember them, I'll add them.)

other things that have moments or flavors of this, but aren't focused on it/don't quite hit all of them:

the Bartimaeus trilogy had it at the end a little, but, well. it didn't last very long. (i STILL haven't recovered from that ending and i was, what? 15 or something? g o d)

the emperor in bg3 kiiiinda counts since they're magically bound to the player/party and can't exist outside their prison, but they do have their own body and are not nearly as chatty as I'm  looking for. also, while only the holders of the prism can hear them, All of the holders of the prism can hear them and I'd really prefer one-on-one.

I think Death Note would also count? I read it in like 6th grade and never finished it so my memory is patchy At Best, but since nobody else can interact with Ryuk, he's bound to whoever holds the notebook, and he's the supplier of the holder's powers, it's close enough that I would accept something similar.

Slay the Princess has the bickering in spades and fulfills the "do not separate" criterion depending on your ending, although the jury's out on whether the voices are Actually their own entities or just symptoms of you losing it. Also, nobody in it is human. The bickering is definitely good enough to make up for it though. (The fact that it's Jonny Sims clearly having a grand old time might have something to do with it...)

with the caveat that I have not watched any of it, i think jadzia (and?) dax from ds9 miiight count, but they're part of an ensemble cast and thus fail the "pov characters for a majority of the work" and "we get to hear their constant internal banter" criteria.

things I tried that fit at least some criteria, but didn't like for various reasons:

the good demon by jimmy cajoleas. promising concept, but 1) the protagonist smokes, which is an instant and unnegotiable dealbreaker (seriously, who makes their protagonist do that in The Year Of Our Lord Anything Later Than 1950?? and to a child? DEATH. ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON.), and 2) I looked it up and they separate at the end anyways, so there's even LESS of a point. 

the venom comics. honestly I just... really dislike superhero comics, there's always way too many of them to keep track of + I'm very shallow and they're usually unbearably ugly to me (and also having started with the movies I just found comics!eddie really unpleasant tbh) 

parasyte manga. perfect concept, great dynamic, but its particular brand of body horror was... not great for me and I had to put it down. (horror in and of itself isn't a dealbreaker, though, so if you've got something similar that doesn't involve lots of hands bent at nauseating angles, I'll gladly take it.)

Cyberpunk 77 has the two-humans flavor of this and hits almost all of the other criteria, but i viscerally hated literally everything about j*hnny s*lverhand with every fiber of my being and the rest of the game was so mediocre already that i just gave up

....I know it's a highly specific/potentially niche dynamic, but if anyone has any recs, PUHLEEASE hmu!!! I'm looking for original work rather than fanfiction, but apart from that, format doesn't matter at all (although if it's some like super difficult indie game or something, I probably won't get very far lol). the MAIN points are 1) bickering and 2) host-and-passenger, so if you have something that hits those but not the others, feel free to share it anyway!

[shy-urban-hobbit]

Edwin flipped the page in yet another thick, obscure volume, the title near faded from the cover with age. Charles and Crystal had retired hours ago with the promise to pick up again in the morning; the human claiming a need for sleep (understandable, considering it was the early hours) and Charles had gone with her in the event of any more unpleasant flashbacks (a common occurrence since she'd recovered her memories), leaving Edwin to search for any possible leads alone. There had to be something relevant in this one! After the fuss he'd kicked up to the Night Nurse about acquiring these particular books for this case in the first place he absolutely could not go back to her admitting that for all of his bargaining (or 'tantrums' as she'd called it. Honestly, that woman could be so patronising at times) it had indeed been all for nothing in the end.

"Anything interesting?"

Edwin did not startle at the sound of his lovers voice behind him. He whipped his head around to see Thomas, arms behind his back and perfectly straight faced even as the shaking of his shoulders betrayed his amusement at having made the other jump.

"Thomas, when exactly did you get here?"

"Here being my room? And you got here about ten minutes ago."

Edwin blinked. No...he was at the office in London. Finally taking in his surroundings, his eyes landed on a familiar circular bed and neon sign.

Thomas moved closer, wrapping the other in a one armed hug, "If I can bring you here without you even noticing, I think that's a sign you need to take a break."

"That's not necessary. Ghosts don't feel physical exhaustion, as you well know by now."

"Who said anything about physical? You might not need to sleep, but you still need to give that big brain of yours a rest before you overlook something incredibly obvious and important."

"I can't right now. I assure you, I'm perfectly fine."

"Yeah? Ok then, tell me all the basic weaknesses of a shape shifter."

"Child's play."

Edwin was confident in his answer until he saw the fond smirk on his lover's face, "What is it?"

"The fact you're mixing up shape shifters and vampires."

"An easy mistake to make."

"Sweetie, you listed sunlight. Twice."

He had? "Hmmm....perhaps a brief respite would be beneficial at this point."

"Perhaps." Thomas laughed, "Your research will still be there in a couple of hours Bookworm, come cuddle with me for a while. I'm feeling generous so I'll even read to you."

Edwin got to his feet, opening his mouth to protest when Thomas plucked the book from his hands, "Ah, ah. Nothing work related though. That's cheating."

He gave the end of Edwin's nose a tap before, with a flick of his wrist, the thick volume was gone. In its place a first edition of The Hobbit, a scrap of paper poking out from the pages (a source of playful bickering between the two. For all that Thomas was capable of conjuring books, he could never be bothered to do the same with bookmarks, instead using whatever was to hand. Thomas argued that at least he didn't dog-ear the pages like some heathen).

Thomas reclined on the bed, giving the mattress next to him an inviting (expectant) pat. Edwin rolled his eyes before climbing on and curing into the others side, closing his eyes and drifting along with the feeling of his lovers fingers running through his hair to the sound of Bilbo Baggins engaging in a game of riddles.

[citronverveine]

xie lian and identity issues

this is something i'll probably want to expand on more as i give it more thoughts later but right now i'm just. thinking.

i'm thinking of xie lian in book 2 who has to realize that he is not as invicible as he thought. he is powerful yet he cannot do enough. he is not enough. he cannot save his country, he cannot help the common people, if anything he makes it worse.

i'm thinking of xie lian in book 4 who has to get used to a life with no title, no riches, no priviledge. he has to live as no one, and if people find him out he will not be celebrated like he used to be, he will be captured, beaten, or worse, who knows.

i'm thinking of xie lian after being stabbed 100 times, so disconnected from his destroyed body that he can't recognize himself. i'm thinking of xie lian becoming white no face, hiding his face and seeking revenge, turning his back on everything he was before.

i'm thinking of xie lian after wuming's death, after changing his mind and not cursing the Yong'an people but causing the death of his last believer in the process. the distance between what he would have wanted to be and what he ended up being, doing.

i'm thinking of xie lian in mount tong'lu learning about the past of white no face and starting to think they're the same person. thinking maybe he was the one doing all this. thinking this was all meant to be.

it's just, like. young xie lian was so ambitious, and rightly so; everyone told him he could achieve anything, be anything, he ascended so early, was so powerful and so loved so early on. he started high, only to jump from heaven and land terribly low, in a 6-feet deep hole, unable to crawl out of it. the distance between what he was and what he ended up as. i know the war took a couple years to end but the change was still probably very brutal for him.

especially during his first banishment. at first it could have been alright. he had his parents. he had feng xin. he had mu qing. everything was new and unfamiliar and wrong but he had them, he knew them, they were familiar at least. even if xie lian had failed they were still with him, they still loved him.

and then mu qing left. and xie lian's view of relationships started to shatter. and then he was against mu qing on the land of cultivation and he was the one being humiliated and rejected. and then he was losing himself with the stress of white no face, becoming crazy with anguish and despair. and he couldn't provide enough for his parents, and he was afraid feng xin would leave, and he couldn't recognize himself. how had he fallen so low? how had he failed so much?

and then the temple. he wanted to fight white no face, to get rid of him once and for all. but white no face broke him without even lifting a finger. he shattered his faith in the goodness of the world by showing him how cruel it could be. and afterwards...

just think. being tortured for a whole night, used by hundreds of people for their own benefit, left torn open and raw without care. but you heal and you recover and your body hides any trace of that event. did you really go through it? did it really happen? did it happen like you think it did? was it really that bad? was the pain that severe? your body hid it all. you'll never know. the only thing you have are you memories. but can you trust them?

anyway. after that, xie lian comes back to his parents and feng xin. he steals. he doesn't care. he's angry, he's raw, he's weak. feng xin leaves. his parents leave. he's alone.

he's completely alone. he doesn't even have himself anymore. his old self is dead, his old self was nothing, his old self was naive and stupid. xie lian trying to kill himself even though it's useless is symbolic of him completely leaving his old self with his parents and what was familiar, to become someone else entirely. to abandon this part of himself.

it's explicit as white no face that xie lian completely rejects his previous identity of crown prince and god. he does not want to be called that. he does not want to be reminded of it. he hates this past self so much that being associated to it makes him feel humiliated and ridiculed.

only that old part of him is not entirely dead. xie lian still hesitates, deep down, to release the spirits. a part of him still wants to believe. he wants to be proven wrong. he wants the world to give naive xie lian another chance. it's the bamboo hat man that does that for him.

i just think the distance between xie lian, his body, and his mind, is very interesting. i didn't mention how he is completely disconnected from his body even 800 years later because i feel like it's more dissociation from the self than an identity issue (struggling to connect your thoughts to your actions and/or associate them with your perception of self, or even simply not having any definite perception of self especially when you are traumatized) but. i'll definitely make a post about that some day.

that was a bit long but i just. wanted to put some thoughts down. thx for reading up til here ??

[kaizoku-gary]

Fighting the darkness

Pairing: Buggy x gender-neutral reader

Genre: hurt-comfort

Word count: 693

Warnings/Tags: sad/depressed reader, emotional pain, lots of crying, cuddling, soft Buggy.

Summary: One morning you wake up and suddenly life is too much to handle. It hurst even trying to get up, but no matter how deep your wounds are, Buggy is always there to help you ease the pain.

A/N: a little hurt-comfort to satisfy your Buggy needs while I finish the second part to "Fair Winds and Following Seas".

Read it on AO3

----------- >> * << -------------

Getting out of bed isn't easy when you feel the weight of the world pushing you against the mattress. You want to close your eyes and fall asleep again; maybe a couple more hours will be enough to make you feel better. But you know how it is; sleeping longer never helps when you are exhausted, tired of overthinking, and regretting being born.

The sun shines brightly but the air is cold, matching the way you feel inside. Your is body heavy like lead when you finally try to get up. But you need him, despite the darkness growing inside you, you have to get out of bed and find him. Only he can chase away the monsters.

"Buggy?" you speak softly, entering the pirate's office. He is on his desk, actively sketching what looks like a complex map, the smell of hot coffee filling the room.

"Not now, my treasure. I'm kinda busy here," the pirate replies without taking his eyes away from his work.

"I'm sorry," you say, and for a brief moment, you think of closing the door behind you and going back to bed, but tears are already pooling in your eyes, and the ache in your chest won't let you move.

"Would you please… give me a hug?" you beg with a heavy sigh and a trembling voice, feeling the world crumbling around you, the air crushing you under his invisible hand.

Buggy drops his pen not a second after, and turns around to check on you, the expression on his face changing from mild annoyance to concern when he sees the tears pouring down your cheeks.

"What's wrong, my love?" He asks, hurrying to place his arms around you and pull you to his chest. His heart shatters into smaller pieces with every sob.

No answer comes as you cling to him and weep uncontrollably, trying to drain the darkness growing inside you. Your soul is falling to pieces, and happiness seems like a faraway memory. Even if you could speak, words wouldn't be enough to describe how helpless you are, how tiny and insignificant you feel compared to the thoughts nagging at your mind. And you hate yourself for dragging Buggy into your own hell.

"It's alright, baby. I'm here," the pirate reassures you before kissing the top of your head. Clear tears fall from his eyes, and he holds you tight, trying to snatch you from the bleak grip of sorrow before it drags you deeper.

"Come here," Buggy whispers moments after, taking your hand and guiding you to the couch.

Sitting on his lap, with your arms around his neck and your head on his shoulder you sigh, weakend by the battle inside your mind. Buggy's hands caress your back as he hums a quiet melody and suddenly the ice inside you begins to melt slowly.

"I love you, my treasure. You know that, right?" Buggy says, his voice warm like the spring sun. "I won't let anyone or anything harm you. I promise."

The pirate kisses your shoulder, your neck, your temple. You raise your head to look at him, and he kisses the tears from your eyes. "I love you," He repeats as many times as you need to hear it. Soon, shadows dissipate, and life recovers its bright colors.

"I love you too, Buggy," you finally say before leaving a soft kiss on his cheek. "Sorry to have worried you," you say, wiping off the tears on his face.

"It's ok. I'm here for you… I'll always be," he says, holding you tighter.

"Can we stay like this a little longer?" you ask.

"We can stay like this forever if you need it," he replies before kissing you softly.

*****

When did you fall asleep in his arms? You don't remember, but when you open your eyes, you're still cuddling with Buggy on the sofa, both covered by a warm blanket. He's still asleep, and you smile lovingly. No matter how often you tell him, he will never realize how important he is to you and how big is your love for him.

"Thank you, Buggs," you whisper before falling asleep again.

----------- >> * << -------------

[alicerosejensen]

I just finished your piece of Leon saving reader from kidnapper. So good, definitely one of my favorites for my boy Leon.

I was wondering if I could kindly request a sequel piece of dealing with the dissociative amnesia. I have that and a huge part of it and is forgetting memories that aren’t associated with the traumatic event. You can slowly start to forget everything and you can also sometimes get snippets of a memory back from triggers.

As a Leon lover, I’d love to see Leon comforting and helping the reader with that as well as the PTSD in general.

Of course no pressure or worry if you don’t wanna do this! You’re an amazing writer and I hope you keep writing in the future!! ❤️❤️☺️

Slowly I think that I will start writing again. My mood is still crap, but at least I have the desire to write something. So I'll probably continue to answer requests.

Let this be a small addition to that post about the kidnapping of the reader.

- First of all, Leon will be afraid to leave you alone. He will walk with you everywhere and hold your hand.

- Of course, having experienced such stress, he understands that this will not pass without consequences, so he tries as much as possible to smooth out all the corners and make sure that nothing reminds you of the kidnapping.

- Dissociative amnesia is a shitty thing, you remember that you were afraid, but the memories of those days and the kidnapper himself seemed to be erased from your memory. Leon is only happy about this. He really thinks that you shouldn’t bring this up and constantly tries to distract you from this activity, believing that these memories should be forgotten.

- You instinctively cling to him like a little puppy of a beloved owner. Leon calmly accepts your desire for intimacy with him (not intimacy), so he tries to provide any attention you need.

- Takes you to sessions with psychotherapists and makes sure that you take medications to quickly recover.

- Leon asks to refrain from studying for now. Knowing that the kidnapping took place after classes at college, he is afraid that you will remember the events themselves and you will feel worse, so he suggests that you rest or study at home.

- He cooks food for you (probably simple dishes since I’m sure he doesn’t know how to cook), reads books with you and watches movies and TV shows in the evening, but Leon carefully checks the material before watching.

- Leon will learn different types of therapy thanks to which you can safely express your feelings. Of course he will consult a doctor.

- He really provides incredible support coupled with adequate treatment, thanks to which he sees that you are slowly but surely getting better.

- Leon rejoices at your small achievements in therapy.

- You talk to each other a lot, but subconsciously or not, you don't want to go anywhere or sleep without him. Leon always falls asleep later so he becomes a big spoon in your bed, shielding you from your fears.

- Do you have a fear of the dark? Leon will have no problem turning on the night light just to make you feel safe.

- He will never blame you for your slow recovery. Yes, he's been through a lot of crap and Raccoon City has mostly broken him, but he takes your traumatic experiences very seriously. Leon is not the kind of person who can one day say that he has been through more crap than you.

- If you have a panic attack or react to some trigger that scares you terribly, Leon will immediately rush to calm you down and create a safe zone.

- Of course, he's still a government agent. He can easily be called on a mission at any time, so he will ask someone to look after you. If it's not Claire, he'll just find someone like a nurse.

- However, he will be with you at all critical stages to get through together. You can always lean on his shoulder, especially for you.

[superkooku]

I see it as a personal theory but it saddens me that Maomao's parents didn't really love eachother but instead wanted something to gain from it, both resulting terribly for them.

In worse it had an impact on their own child, with her not really being showing emotions, especially viewing love in a negative light. Not to blame her growing up in a environment where women are mere objects for men to desire.

That's a sad but interesting take. And honestly, it's pretty realist too considering Maomao's life isn't a fairytale. Though I see it in a different way. A different taste of tragedy.

(rant incoming)

To me, Lakan and Fengxian made some form of bond, at least friends with benefits.

We see Lakan's POV. Him literally crying and going towards Fengxian even if she's sick proves that he loved her. She's the only one (with Maomao) whose face he can see, her playing partner in go and shogi (they share hobbies, which is a great way to create bonds imo).

We see him running in the rain, begging to see her, his desperation when he sees the letters and the fingers. It's pretty clear to me he loves her.

It's more ambiguous on Fengxian's side, as we don't get her inner monologue, but she seems to have missed him too. Though their reunion is shown through rose-tinted glasses, as she never recovered from syphilis in reality. Just Lakan's imagination.

So I'd have less trouble believing she didn't fully love him but I think he's pretty much smitten (I'll watch the series again soon, to refresh my memories).

They're also a parallel to the couple from episode 4, the concubine who faked her (mental) illness to go with the man she loved, trapped in a world where she'd only be a pretty object.

Though I agree with the fact that both had something to gain, especially in the beginning, and as the feelings changed, none of them were able to communicate correctly.

Fengxian was known to be a very proud woman after all. And Lakan likes strategy and twisted games. So they're both terrible at communication and then he's sent in foreign land and she's pregnant. It's too late.

I completely agree about what you said on Maomao, though. The environment she grew up in, especially before Luomen picked her up, was terrible for a child.

She ended up very reserved, taking any emotional display as putting too much attention on herself, something detrimental.

Because of her upbringing, she refuses to be sold by the madam because she knows what to expect. She still has nightmares of her mother cutting her fingers, puts fake freckles to seem uglier. She knows how dirty men can be, she saw lust, STDs, assassination attempts, poverty.

What an awful childhood.

And I COMPLETELY understand why someone like Jinshi makes her uncomfortable. She doesn't like the attention and just wants to live quietly with her passion as an apothecary. And he's clingy as hell, like in that honey scene.

I firmly believe that if he learns to leave her alone, she'll warm up to him faster, because she won't associate him with lecherous men anymore.

It's fortunate Maomao had Luomen as a positive father figure and Meimei/Pairin/Joka as "motherly sisters". She wasn't alone in this terrible world.

[vuulpecula]

@rickgrimesdoingrickthings cont.

"I've brought this as an offering...hoping you would hear out my request." ... He had learned the art of sword, had a strong moral code, was chosen to be part of the patrol of the small burgo- however one night, he wasn't enough. A group of bandits attacked, desiring nothing more than a cross of gold the baron owned. He should have hired more soldiers, suspecting the marauders could come. The men killed the weaker guards- Rick alone had no chance- the marauder leader even allowed Richard the chance to just...leave, no one else had to get hurt. But his stupid honor...made him fight. Not only he was severely beaten by the gang, he was humiliated. They stole the cross from the vault, dragged Rick along until they found his house, stomped the door open, humiliated him in front of his wife, slashed his face with a blade under his eye, leaving a scar, a mark of shame and defeat- and to send the baron a message, they cut Rick's arm off with an axe, then burned the wound- up to half his forearm. The small village heard all the screams, but did nothing, in fear. Once Rick recovered, he was expelled from the city. His wife didn't want him anymore, saying he wouldn't be able to work and provide, saying he was stained her name, that he was a shame. The nobles there wanted him to go- they were afraid- wanted to forget what happened- to many, he wasn't even a man anymore. 'Better leave before you make debt here and becomes a slave.' An old couple said, giving Rick some bread and a short cloak so he would protect himself from the cold. 'Good luck my son.' Both were sad, but he had to go. After walking for days, taking breaks, surviving in the wild, he found a village' it had walls. A new place. He asked for information, they said it was up to their leader accept him or not. Their culture seemed different...less...arrogant. He had nothing though, not even his right hand or a sword to fight. His clothes were beaten, cotton and leather getting worn out. Rick walked to the sunflower fields he had passed by and collected some flowers- that was all he had to offer. No strength to walk farther, no money of food- not even a decent body to offer, missing half an arm and face marked, maybe the scar would soften with time and fade, but his hand wouldn't heal back. Intrigued by the sadness and determination in his eyes, the gatekeeper let Rick in. Once he had the chance to talk to the leader, he lowered his head, cloak hiding his amputation, it still brought him shame and bad memories. "I've brought this as an offering...hoping you would hear out my request." He took a deep breath. "Any work...I'll do. I know many things, I can be useful. I will be. Please. Let me stay." On the road he wouldn't last much longer- unarmed and tired, bandits probably would kill and violate him for fun, or maybe some animals would hurt him. He was hungry and thirsty and dirty, on his knees, which were so heavy and hurting. He was slowly setting, like the sun. Maybe he would faint right there. He was asking for help. Begging. He needed.

It was not wholly unusual to see types like him wandering throughout the woods surrounding the village. Lost souls, banished for whatever reason. Was it better, to let them wander instead of rot away in a cell, forgotten? They had commit no crime, or crime worthy of a sentencing, but still, they were shunned from their communities. More than once, her walls had been a half-way home of sorts for these travelers. Some stayed, some left, she always gave them the choice. Crimes were dealt with swiftly, but accidents, mistakes, those were never good enough reasons to her.

Dressed much like a man in leathers and wool, Fox looked upon the traveler from beneath her hood. Examining him when he could not do the same. Leaning her elbows on her knees, legs spread, taking up all the space in front of the throne, she waited to see if he would faint. He looked like he could at any moment. Such a frail thing, he was. After another moment, she gave a silent command with the slight lift and fall of her head. Beside her throne, a knight in light mail stepped forward. A hand on his sword hilt as he approached Rick where he knelt. Carefully, he took the sunflowers from his grasp and returned to his monarch, bending a knee to present her with the gift.

Fox reached out, looking the flowers over. She whispered something and her knight spoke for her, voice booming. "This is a gift that shall die--will you too die, stranger of the woods? Or will you stand, take these seeds, and plant within these walls a garden?" He took a few steps toward Rick, one hand still on his sword hilt, but the other reached out. Offering him help up from the floor.

Leaning back in her throne, Fox waited again. Head bowed so that she saw the stranger only from his waist down. Not wanting to risk her identity being shown so soon. It was foolish to suffer the way he did and yet, still not want the sanctuary of a woman, yet there were others who had made that mistake. Spitting on the ground when she, a queen in name only, offered them life.

[asirensrage]

Saudade - Chapter 1

Rating: Explicit Pairing: Mikey x OC, Hanma x OC, Ran x OC, Mikey x OC x Draken Fandom: Tokyo Revengers Warnings: swearing, violence, threats of violence, murder, smoking, sex, consensual sex between teenagers, alcohol, recreational drug use, mention of trafficking, torture, family neglect, mentions of sexual violence. isekai OC. memory loss. unbeta'd **warnings are not exhaustive** Summary: No one seems to realize she doesn’t belong until she finally runs into her “new” brother, Hanagaki Takemichi. Now, hearing his story, Takara makes the choice to help him and hopefully find her way home, but faking it til you make it only lasts so long when you start losing the memories of the life you had before. As Takemichi becomes the only family she’s ever known, how far will she go to protect him?

notes: Thank you all for reading! As I said, the fic is complete, I'll post as I edit but it should be fairly regular updates (especially compared to some of my other fics lol). There is a lot that happens but it's a lot of fun.

also on ao3

fic masterlist - prologue

She sits across from him once he’s showered and dressed. He hasn’t let up about the fact that she’s a stranger in his house, at least until he sees the photos of them as kids. Honestly, she still doesn’t really get it. She doesn’t know what happened but she’s been playing along with it until she can figure things out. It feels like she’s playing some role she didn’t know about and she half expects one of her brothers to jump out and tell her it’s a huge prank. Except she doesn’t actually look like herself. It’s weird. Since she woke up here, she knows she doesn’t belong, but she has the memories as if she grew up here. As if she’s always had a younger brother and not a couple of older ones. The memories of this life are there, but they’re faded, like a memory of a movie she watched. There’s no real emotional connection to any of them. 

The boy across from her, her younger brother whose eyes are somehow too sharp, is the only one to question her existence. It’s a relief. It makes her feel like she hasn’t just gone insane. She had been avoiding him since she woke up here and it was easy since he never seemed to be home or secluded himself in his room while recovering. Or so his mother said. Now she kind of wishes she had sought him out earlier, just to get this confirmation.

“So who are you?”

She picks up one of the puzzle pieces that’s on the floor and tries to see if she can see where it fits. The first place she tries doesn’t work. “Takara. Or they call me Takara. Apparently, it’s my name.”

“You don’t know your name?”

She looks up at him. “I woke up here a couple days ago. Like this,” she motions to herself. They look similar, as siblings do, sharing the same original hair and eye colour. Her eyes are not as wide though, her face a little more curved, a little softer like her body is. It’s weird to think about. She’s also shorter than she used to be. “I was back home before that…” she pauses, trying to remember. It’s almost like an afterthought. She has to concentrate, thinking of the last thing that happened before she woke up here. Nothing is clear. She doesn’t linger long on that revelation. “I think…something happened but I don’t know. I can’t-” she cuts herself off, shaking her head and moving on. “I have the memories of living here, of being your sister, but they’re…fuzzy. Like a movie I saw years ago. I know the plot but not the details.” She focuses back on the puzzle, looking for another piece to place. She panicked about it when she first woke up here but now it seems like an old problem, something that slips from her grip every time she tries to think about it too hard. It’s easier to just continue. 

“And…no one noticed?” He asked, looking at her in concern. 

She smiles softly. “You’re the only person to realize I don’t belong!” 

“What? How?” He stares at her in shock before jumping to his feet and pacing in front of her. “This shouldn’t happen! I mean, you didn’t exist before! Even when I first time travelled it–” 

“You can time travel?” 

His eyes go wide and she realizes that he didn’t mean to say it. 

“Huh,” she leans back on her hands, ignoring the feeling of puzzle pieces under them. “That’s pretty fucking cool. I wonder if that’s what happened to me…” She eyes him speculatively. “Why don’t you tell me everything and I’ll tell you what I know and maybe we can figure this shit out?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Yeah, okay.”

The conversation quickly devolves but they learn more about each other. Takemichi has only known life as an only child whereas she was raised with older brothers. He’s been left to his own devices a lot, free to roam, compared to her life being filled with sports and activities. She was determined to do what her brothers could and that involved compromises in terms of what activities she did. It never left her a lot of free time for friends outside of her teammates. 

Whatever brought her here inserted her into his life in a way that made sense. She was made to fit into the cracks, or at least they were used as an explanation for why she is the way she is. She knows there are memories of being discarded to the side for the sake of her brother. It leaves a familiar ache of resignation and resentment in her gut, one that she’s determined to stomp out. Regardless of what she feels, neither of them asked for this. Still, she can’t help but point it out. 

“You know you’re super spoiled, right?”

“What? No, I’m not!”

“You are. At least, now you are? I think it’s a way of fitting me into your life. You’re the son so you got what you wanted.” 

“...oh.”

“Yeah, it’s fucking weird.” 

🏍️

By the time they finish the puzzle together, she comes to the conclusion that she likes him. He reminds her a bit of one of her older brothers. That same easy grin and determination to do what’s right. She can’t blame him for wanting to fix things, especially since he seems more concerned about the people he knows dying than himself. He only really mentions his own death like it’s a footnote. Still, she knows that she probably wouldn’t have that same conviction. Then again, maybe she would if it was someone she cared about. 

“Alright,” she says with a nod. “I’ll help you.” 

He looks at her in surprise. “What? You will?”

“Sure,” she shrugs. “It’s not like I have anything better to do. I’m not technically supposed to be here, right? We both know you didn’t have a sister before I showed up even if no one else does, so maybe that’s why I’m here. To help you. Besides, it’s an older sibling's job to help their pain in the ass younger one, isn’t it?” She looks at him and sees the tears falling down his face. “Are you crying again?” 

“I can’t help it!” 

She laughs at that. 

“Thank you!” He practically leaps over the table to hug her. “I was so scared. I didn’t know what I’m going to do!”

“Yeah well, just keep me up to date and I’ll help, okay? And tell me when you’re going to disappear and shit.”

He cries harder. 

She rolls her eyes and hugs him back. “Don’t worry. It’ll be tough, but we’re not alone, right?”

“I’m sorry you’re here,” he says, finally pulling back and wiping at his face. She tries to ignore the way her chest feels as though it’s caving in at those words. She doesn’t know if it’s because of the reminder or the fact that she already forgot about the way she doesn’t belong. “I don’t know why it happened, but I swear, I’ll make it worth it! I’ll be the best brother!” 

She smiles softly and rubs the top of his head, messing up his hair. “Don’t worry about that.” She stands and stretches slightly before looking down at him. “I’m going to make dinner. Who knows when our parents will be home.” 

“Okay,” he nods. 

She smiles again and heads out of his room, pausing only to call back. “Clean your room! And don’t forget about the mess you left outside!”

“Aww!” she hears him groan. “That wasn’t even me!”

“It’s your friends, it’s your mess!” she called back before heading downstairs. Being an older sibling could be fun. Still, her smile fades as she enters the kitchen. Takemichi’s story left something aching in her and one thought is on repeat. Did she die too?

🏍️

Takemichi and her move around each other cautiously. 

Despite coming to an agreement about what’s next, Takemichi has no real plans and spends most of his time out of the house. She can’t really blame him. Her new parents are around but they seem to take little interest in their children now that they’re teenagers, aside from making sure chores and homework get done. 

It’s fine. She’s not entirely used to being on her own or having this much free time. Her life before was filled with activities and teams, but it gives her time to think about what’s happening, especially with the fact that her new brother is involved with a gang and is likely going to get pulled in further if he doesn’t submerge himself first. 

Thankfully, she’s managed to find and buy some inline skates. It’s not exactly the same as ice skates, but it’s close enough that it’s comforting. The act of skating is familiar and easy and helps her think. It also helps her explore her surroundings better. 

It reads like a bad story. The more she thinks about it, the more the feeling of unease grows deep in her stomach. She doesn’t know what happened back home, but she’s already tried to research herself and her family. There’s no response or sign of even her old social media. She’s here, in a new body, in a new place with a new family and it doesn’t seem right. She never thought she’d miss her brothers, but she does. She misses everything…and she doesn’t. 

Still, there’s not really much she can do. 

Not yet at least. She got lucky that her brother in this world is someone who’s experiencing a supernatural thing himself. It makes it easier on both of them to believe each other and based on what he’s told her, they need to. 

“Hey! Takara!” She skids to a stop at the sound of her name. Her memories of this life are fuzzy, but she knows enough that while she has acquaintances, she doesn’t really have any close friends. Another way, she thinks, to explain her presence. Or at least making it easier to shove her into this role. She didn’t use to believe in magic before this. 

She looks to see who called her and realizes she is skating past her brother and his friends. She vaguely remembers the names of the three who he’s been friends with. The memory of their introduction is there but she hadn’t cared to get to know them. It made sense considering they were a year or so younger than her. She knows who Hina is, not only from her memory but from listening to Takemichi talk about her and how he’s going to save her. The other three are a mystery, though two of them had been there at their house. His house. 

Takemichi is waving at her though so she skates towards him. “What?” He looks a little surprised at her greeting, but she circles him slowly, waiting for him to answer. 

“Is that really how you greet your favourite brother?”

“Yes,” she says, completely deadpan. She tries not to smile as the tall one laughs. It’s a strange thing to have such strong affection for a boy she actually met not that long ago. She’s not fully sure if it’s real or a by-product of the fake memories she has. Maybe it’s the reminder of her actual brother. She trusts him though. 

“I wanted to introduce you to my friends!”

“We already know your sister,” the one Takemichi called Akkun says. He’s the one who tried to kill him. Probably succeeded too in that first death. Takemichi mentioned being pushed. 

She weaves around them, crossing her feet as she skates backwards. They’re all staring and she’s unsure if it’s because she’s never done this here before or they’re just not used to seeing anyone on blades. 

“I know you have,” Takemichi says. “But she hasn’t been introduced to Mikey and Draken!” It’s a nice recovery. 

She skids to a stop at the names, looking over the two he motioned to. 

“Yo,” the tall one says. “I’m Draken, that’s Mikey,” he motions to the shorter blond next to him. He looks her up and down. “Didn’t know Takemitchy had a sister.”

“I don’t get out much,” she replies dryly. 

“Can you do any tricks?” Mikey asks, his eyes meeting hers. “On those wheels. You’re pretty fast.” 

“Hmm...” she thinks about it. She can on ice and in her original body, but this isn’t the same. The other guys suddenly start cheering her on, telling her to try it. She rolls her eyes before waving them off. “Hold on, let me see.” She looked around at the amount of space they had. “You’re going to have to sit on the steps if you want me to try this. I don’t know if I can pull it off.” 

They dutifully move out of the way. 

She takes a moment to skate around and get a feel of the ground. Being on inline skates isn’t the exact same as ice skates and she’s not completely familiar with the balance of her now but she should be able to do something. All that experience in those stupid figure skating classes had to pay off sometimes. 

She slows down and takes a moment to skate on one foot, checking her balance and fixing her posture. She does the same for the other foot before she puts it down and picks up her speed. She moves in a familiar spin, allowing herself to fall into the memory of it. She keeps it short, not wanting to make herself too dizzy. She lifts one leg in the air behind her as she skates forward, keeping her balance as she leans down, making it look far more elegant than she knows it is. After she lowers her leg, she turns and picks up speed again before trying to jump. It doesn’t work. She lands correctly, but in a way that works on ice, not wheels and her legs go sliding out from under her. She skids to a stop on her ass. 

“Ow.”

“Takara!” The others run towards her and she takes Takemichi’s hand out of all the ones offered to get her back on her feet. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, thanks,” she brushes herself off. She wheels herself back a bit, away from the others. Just to get some space. 

“That was amazing!” The girl she doesn’t recognize says, eyes seeming to shine. “Where’d you learn to do that?”

“Ice skating,” Takara answers. It’s the truth after all. 

“I’m Emma, Mikey’s sister,” the girl introduces herself. 

“Takara, Takemichi’s sister.” It’s strange how easy it is to say that. Maybe there’s something wrong with her. She doesn’t feel completely lost or sick with fear, guilt and hurt. She should. In the back of her mind, she knows she shouldn’t be accepting this so easily. “I’m gonna go,” she says, suddenly weirded out by the reminder. “I’ll see you at home,” she tells Takemichi. She skates back, checking to make sure she’s not going to hit something other than pavement before she turns. 

“Wait!” She pauses and looks towards Hinata who called out. “We’re–we’re going to the festival tomorrow. Do you want to come?” 

It’s sweet. She probably would have asked her boyfriend’s sister as well, if she ever had one. Her brothers were effective in scaring off any boys interested in her. “No, I have plans, but you guys have fun! Bye!” It’s a lie but she doesn’t feel bad about it. She waves and smiles at the group of them before she takes off. 

🏍️

everything tag: @raith-way @zeleniafic @veetlegeuse @chickensarentcheap @residentdormouse

@themaradwrites @kingsmakers @thatmagickjuju @awkwardchick87

tr tag: @mitsuwuyaa @blackfire2013 @bleach-your-panties @reiners-milkbiddies

[kanekuran]

Life Update & Changes

So much has changed in the last few months, but years really. A lot of things happened in just under a year that it's been hard to keep up with. When I first made the decision to shelve Kane, I was in a very vulnerable position.

I'll be real with the followers that remain here. But my mom suffered a heart attack last January and most of my time and brain power revolved around caring for her. She had a double bypass and she was weak, so fucking weak that getting out of bed, bathing and even sitting upright was a struggle for her. I never in a million years thought I'd have to care for my own mother that way, but I did. Even though I was mentally exhausted and even suffered physical exhaustion, I wouldn't change it. She's here, she's still here with us making new memories.

That same year, I got married on the Disney Wish to my longtime boyfriend/fiance of 13 years last November. It was a dream come true, and we've made so many memories with each other as a couple and our friends and family.

And, just this last two weeks my mom was hospitalized again with a bad kidney infection. She's still here recovering but it was another health scare that we thought we'd lose her again. We're grateful and happy that she's here with us and able to create memories not just with us, but with her grandson, my nephew.

I know this is just skimming through everything that's happened. But I want to reiterate that there was so much going on in my personal life that trying to fix or change Kane was making me feel more exhausted and like a failure. I didn't feel good enough to do the things I wanted to do with him.

So I'm planning on redoing some of his backstory stuff in regards to his involvement with the Council. Whether I remake it or just remove it entirely, I'm not entirely certain yet. The leader of the Council and I had a falling out years ago and I never really knew what to do with Kane in regards to that. So that's just something I'll have to think of and see what I can do with it, or just remove it. We'll see how it goes, but I'm planning on bringing Kane back out, giving him some fresh air and strawberry buttercream cupcakes, because let's face it. He's not Kane without his cupcakes.

I've lost friends when my mom first got sick and some more afterwards. But I've gained so many more. I'm currently in a place where I'm not so worried, but still thinking of my mom's health. But I'm happier. I've mentioned this before, but I'm happier. So much has happened, both good and bad. But I'm in a better spot.

I hope your day has been well for those who read this and wish you all the very best.

❧ Kane Mun

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 40)

Hey! I played Just Dance with Zoe and then decided I was just gonna post this last part because I don't want it hanging over me. It's July and I just exercised and it's really friggin' hot and I'm sweating but I'm gonna post this so I don't forget tomorrow.

That's right, folks! Just one more part in the forty part essay special by yours truly about everyone's favorite shoujo manga couple (I speak for everyone on the planet, yes)!

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Kageki no Kuni no Alice Chapter Four

Kageki is a step-up from the last few chapters because… well, because I get to pretend like those chapters just didn’t happen. There’s a lot I don’t like about Kageki, but I like the NatsuMikan, which there is a fair amount of! And that’s what I’ll be discussing today. Hopefully that’ll lighten the mood from last time. Though! I don't have much new to say that I didn't already say in Natsume's version. I'll do my best so we can end on a high note!

Natsume and Mikan are at the Opera School in order to visit Aoi, because they do everything together. But Natsume is also being ridiculously cold to one of Aoi’s classmates, Tsubasa’s sister, for no real reason. So Mikan and Aoi both scold him for being mean. Mikan apologizes for Natsume’s sake and we get a glimpse of the fact that they both have matching promise rings. 

RINGS!!!! They're gonna get married!!!

This is pretty big because as far as we know, Mikan just got back to the Academy a few weeks ago, and only part of her memories were recovered, but somehow in that time, her romance with Natsume has rekindled enough that she once more wants to get married to him… though this rekindling occurred off-page. Sigh. 

This chapter is presented in a strange way, jumping around in time, starting with a confrontation and then rewinding. I think it’s to introduce Natsume and Mikan right away for fans so they keep reading, but it makes things jumbled up. Natsume is as handsome and popular as ever, and quickly gets the attention of the Opera Troupe girls, but this excitement is dampened by Mikan’s enthusiastic arrival because oh dang he’s taken. 

That's right!

Mikan is excited to meet Hikari, because she loves Tsubasa, and it’s funny to see her speaking for herself and Natsume (because they are an item!), much to his chagrin, loudly proclaiming their joint appreciation for Tsubasa’s care. What I like about that is that Mikan and Natsume are a unit at this point, which is what makes her feel comfortable speaking for his feelings in the first place. “I” becomes “we.”

Hikari grabs onto this, that Mikan knows Tsubasa, and tries to get more information out of her. Mikan is affected by pretty faces, as we know, and Hikari is beautiful (or handsome? Since she’s characterized by a sense of masculinity in this story but honestly I've never read this manga in its entirety so I wouldn't really know), so she gets overwhelmed and Natsume ultimately ruins the mood again by stressing to Hikari that her brother wants her to leave.

I'm so delighted we can get back to NM content that makes me feel something!

Mikan scolds him for being harsh, though he claims he’s just not interested in sugarcoating. Hikari gets depressed and Mikan is again affected, though Natsume doesn’t like that. Then Thoma arrives, and the atmosphere between him and Natsume tenses, which spurs Mikan to ask what their relationship is. It could be simple curiosity or actual jealousy, whichever. If it is jealousy, then it’s interesting to note that the both of them are a little possessive of the other. Mikan certainly doesn’t seem to mind being monopolized by Natsume, but this could suggest she’s monopolizing him too. 

Natsume starts to leave and Mikan rushes after him. That makes me think that she could have been feeling jealousy, but mostly that she is just as intent on spending as much time together as he is. He can’t leave without her when she came to spend time with him! 

They are a married couple, even if they're not married yet.

When they leave, they’re joined by Narumi, who calls Natsume kind and thus gives Mikan a new impression of what he was doing with Hikari. It’s hard to tell with Natsume, honestly, because his kindness and cruelty all look the same. When Natsume confronts Naru by asking if Hikari was dragged into the school for Thoma’s sake, Naru denies it. Then he brings up the manipulative action of scouting Mikan for the Academy, leading to their meeting and falling in love. He turns to Mikan and asks if she thinks that was a mistake, coming to the Academy and meeting everyone.

It's refreshing to go back to "everyone" again, to remember the sheer number of people Mikan loves. Her alice stone was created by the thoughts of many loved ones, after all, not just Natsume, not just Hotaru. There is not just one name written on her heart.

She must no longer hide behind everyone or we... She can initiate affection like this. Isn't that amazing?

She grabs Natsume’s hand and says “Not at all!” looking him straight in the eyes, so he knows she’s telling him, “How could I regret something that brought me to you?” This makes it personal. Yes, she's happy to have met everyone else and they are all dear, but reassuring Natsume means letting him know how much he specifically matters to her. She trusts Narumi because she’s sure he has good intentions. After all, with everything that happened on her side of things, Narumi seems to have only been helpful. This is also a callback to Narumi requesting that Mikan have faith in him, despite his recent betrayal with the letters. Mikan chose to trust him then and never stopped. Natsume seems to cave, because he's weak when it comes to her, but he admonishes Naru for being manipulative.

Natsume then tells Mikan not to hang around Naru or Hikari anymore, just a little taste of what Natsume monopolizing Mikan looks like. He obviously knows that Mikan will not listen to that, but it’s his way of communicating that he dislikes Naru manipulating her or the way she behaved around Hikari. Mikan just says “huh?” though, so his message might not have gone through the way he liked.

Chapter Five

There’s not much I can analyze in Kageki that I didn’t already mention in Natsume’s version because they spend literally all their time together. On top of that, we get little of their perspectives, and mainly see them through Hikari’s eyes. So if this is short or minimal… oops.

Hikari is being stalked and bullied by Bear, and Natsume gets annoyed that she’s not angrier with him. This is a plot thing, but I always think of Mikan and how much I love her rage and how Higuchi ultimately drained her of all of it for the sake of being a smiley girl who makes everyone happy even to her own detriment. To me, he might be saying these words to Hikari, but he’s talking to Mikan too.

We're not just talking about Hikari, are we?

Mikan and Natsume are here as loving parents to pick Bear up from school, and Mikan is more focused on gathering Bear while Natsume is scolding Hikari. When Hikari’s cousin arrives to defend her, claiming that Hikari is just incredibly disciplined with her feelings, Natsume counters that she’s really just repressing them. (SOUNDS LIKE MIKAN!) I don’t think Natsume would be as adamant about this if it didn’t connect to Mikan. Maybe this is something they talk about, or something that will soon become a conversation. In any case, Mikan doesn’t seem to take any of what he’s saying personally, so maybe it’s not getting through to her.

In any case, Natsume goes a little overboard insulting Thoma, who instantly dismisses him by telling him to go home, which he does, but not before setting a fire that Mikan rushes to put out. After that, Mikan rushes after him. Because she has to be wherever he is. It's not just Natsume monopolizing her. It goes both ways.

There’s a big to-do about Hikari and Bear and anger and acting and Tsubasa, which I won’t get into mainly because I don’t really care. All that matters is Natsume using a non-burning fire and Mikan being impressed at the control he has over his alice. Like, "Wow, my boyfriend is so cool!"

Chapter 5.5 Omake

This omake takes place after Natsume was ordered to go home, so he and Mikan are doing just that, hand in hand. Where he goes, she goes, and vice versa. A clingy couple. 

GSHDFJHJKFGHKJDFJFHJFFJFGHSJFGDSHJFHAGSHK Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

Mikan asks what’s up with Natsume’s behavior with Thoma and Narumi pops out of the blue to explain that Natsume took her absence hard and that he strayed from the right path. Mikan is happy to see Naru; Natsume isn’t. All typical. But Mikan is confused because if Natsume skipped grades, shouldn’t that mean he was a good student and worked hard? And Naru says yes, that he did work hard, but by going on missions (THAT’S A CRIME NARUMI). Mikan is instantly concerned, because she watched him die once before and doesn’t ever want to experience that loss again, so Narumi assures her that none of the missions were at all physically taxing. That doesn’t eliminate her concern, though, until Natsume messes with her a little. 

In any case, Natsume re-enrolled as a high schooler when Mikan returned, so he could capitalize on her new presence. Mikan is excited to see Shiki and Narumi again when they appear, and they offer to show her Natsume’s middle school pics which she is excited to see until Natsume pulls her away, greedily. This chapter further teases Mikan and Natsume's rings, their inevitable wedding. Additionally, we see that there's some conversations yet to be had, particularly about what Natsume has been up to without her. She obviously wants to have these discussions, since she asks questions and then is so eager to see his middle school pictures, but it seems like Natsume is content now to completely leave that era in the past now that he has his girlfriend back.

Chapter Six

Mikan and the SA class are getting ready for the Culture Fest. Natsume complains about the Opera School students coming to visit the Academy campus during such a busy time, but he’s not really doing anything, so it feels unfair for him to say. 

Mikan doesn’t seem to mind that she’s being followed by a leech, and she teases him. She doesn't need him to help. He's just there so they can be together, and if he doesn't contribute anything, then that's fine too, as long as he's around. But the teasing never ends, because they wouldn't be NatsuMikan without it. This is crucial, because their bickering was never a cover-up for anything like it sometimes is for other bickering couples. For them, the bickering was always a relief. For Natsume, he could act immature and childish with someone when he’d been forced into a far more adult role in his life. For Mikan, it’s a way for her to cheer up when she’s feeling down, because bickering with him makes them both happy. The fact that they’re now officially a couple doesn’t eliminate the bickering, it just eliminates the pretense about it.

I'm sniffling...

Chapter 11.5 Omake

This is an outtake chapter surrounding Hikari searching for inspiration for her acting in a kiss scene. Tsubasa can’t help her for some reason, even though he’s in a relationship (inexplicably, his relationship is described as “new,” even though he and Misaki have been dating for like five years at this point). Thus, she must look elsewhere for romantic inspiration. And where better than Natsume and Mikan out and eating floating soft serve ice cream together?

She gets the ice cream all over her face and, since there’s nobody around, he licks it off her. She seems to find that silly and cute and laughs as he does so, though she is blushing. Will Mikan ever stop blushing around Natsume though? I don’t think so. It’s nice though that their affection is so reciprocal now. She doesn’t even freak out, really, which implies that there’s more intimacy to this extent happening away from the reader’s prying eyes. 

This was given to us because Higuchi felt bad about what she made us go through with the wretched final chapters. I appreciate the apology, actually, but I think we all agree we could use some more apologies of this nature.

They’re interrupted and it’s only then that Mikan freaks out, embarrassed to be seen doing something so weird. Very interesting! Maybe they'll work up to PDA status later. Nobody likes a voyeur, which is what the others are right now, but getting spied on while you're kissing is a little different than typical PDA. Who knows!

Conclusion

This is my last NM conclusion as far as I know now. How cute they are in this little spin-off manga! It lifts my spirits. Hopefully, seeing them all cutesy lifted your spirits too.

Anyway, friends, I'm genuinely remorseful that the last few parts of this essay were so negative and bitter. I'm usually not one to linger on those parts of GA. My mind is firmly rooted in various AU endings so I tend to be pretty chill about my feelings, but when I have to specifically address everything, it all comes to the surface and I get a little bitter. I'm really sorry it had to be that way.

In any case, despite the bitterness towards the end, writing this essay was genuinely a blast for me. It was nice to put my feelings about this manga into words.

I started writing this essay on April 12, 2015 (which means I was sixteen at the time). I always knew the exact order I'd write this essay in, because my main motivation in analyzing GA was to present my thesis about Mikan genuinely being in love with Natsume. Back then, I'd seen one too many tumblr posts about Mikan being "obligated" to be with Natsume because he was dying or because of comphet or because Natsume scared her or silly things like that and it pissed me off. Additionally, I was bombarded with people calling Mikan a Mary Sue or disregarding her character. I remember seeing posts like that in the dark ages and thinking, "Did these people even read the manga? Do they even pay attention to Mikan?"

I'd see those posts and roll my eyes. I'd read a grossly OOC Mikan in a fic and sigh exasperatedly. I'd see people disparaging her and I'd disapprove. I'd know deep down that Mikan does love Natsume and that she's much more than people are leading on. I knew they were wrong, but I more or less left it at that.

But then I'd ask myself what exactly it was that they were missing and I'd have to confront the fact that I was thinking based on vibes and "just because" and there's no evidence in that. Was I paying much attention to her either? So one day, probably in between ranting to Zoe, I opened up a Google Doc and decided I'd do the hard work and analyze the whole fucking manga to prove my point. Besides, there was no real analysis for NM out there, so I'd take one for the team and do it. But it wasn't enough to analyze NM. There's too much going on there to leave it to one essay.

After all, most people think of anime scenes when they think of the earlier chapters, and that's not accurate, so I'd have to distinguish between the anime and the manga. But it's not enough to simply distinguish! The anime contains scenes worth discussing, since NM is pretty different there. Thus, the essay had to be divided between manga and anime. But that wasn't enough, either, because analyzing Natsume and Mikan's feelings in one essay was sure to give me a headache, which means this project had to be three parts, and Mikan had to be last. She always had to be last, my grand finale to prove that she was no Mary Sue, that her love for Natsume was built up from the beginning, and that she had depth and growth that should be appreciated.

It is now July 27, 2023 at around 11 PM. I'm now finished.

Altogether, across all three essays, I wrote about 243,240 words about NatsuMikan. Hundreds of pages in my Google Docs. This would be a huge book. And if anyone out there read all of it? You're a damn trooper. I appreciate you so much.

To all my readers, the ones who stuck with me from the beginning, or the ones who find it long after I press post on this last one, the ones who read each word, or the ones who skimmed to the analysis of their favorite scenes, I thank you. To everyone who left a comment, I thank you. To everyone who reached out to tell me their thoughts, I thank you. To @crimsoncitrus for helping me out with plenty of the translations throughout this process, thank you! To @thesightofworms, for being my favorite person to rant to about GA, I very much thank you. And to Higuchi Tachibana, I thank you. I do have beef with some of your choices, but creating manga is no small feat and you wrote 180 chapters for us to consume and I am beyond grateful that you have created something so enduring and important to me, something I have never been able to move on from.

I have loved GA since I was twelve years old and I show no signs of stopping. This is just one labor of love of many to come. I'll never shut up about this manga. Today I finish a very long project that I've had on my mind since I was a teenager. Tomorrow I'll pursue another. I can't imagine I'll ever stop coming up with projects for GA. :)

Took me long enough, but we're done now! I love you all. Have a wonderful day <3

<- Prev

[brwnicons]

bro, i miss you so much🥹 but on your last posts, i decide to send a request and my apologise if i did the wrong way of sending request !!!11!!1! 🫶🏼

😡💔🫂📖 with Stede Bonnet !!11!! anyways have great day/night, sweetie (´ω`) you can do other request or ignore this!!

-🦈

☆ You sent it perfectly, thank you! I'm so sorry for stopping writing so suddenly. I abused too much of my hyperfocus states I grew so tired I couldn't write anything. However this time I'll be taking things easy and healthy! Btw I love sharks!! 🦈💛 ☆

😡💔🫂📖 + Stede Bonnet

1k followers event: Send me 3/4 emojis and a character and I'll try to write something <3

-> Resume: Stede and Reader have a fight and Lucius steps in to solve everything before either of you dumbasses throw yourselves off to the sea because it seems like you two can't be apart for more than 5 minutes. 1.8k words (~7 min)

-> Tags: GN!Reader, First Mate Reader, Stede Bonnet x reader, Blackbeard didn't arrive at the Revenge here, Angst?? It doesn't feel like it, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Lucius should be paid for his therapy service. Talk it through my ass, Mr Bonnet.

-> Warnings: None

Please tell me if you see any mistake!

The atmosphere is uncomfortable and the tension surrounding the galley could be cut with a knife. Nobody talked and everyone would slightly flinch at the sound of cluttering.

The fight you had previously had with captain Stede was heard in every bit of the ship and it had been so strange to see you both shouting at each other that everyone else were left petrified. And now? You were eating with the crew for the first time in months, with a frown on your face and handling the cutlery roughly, as if instead of stabbing some steak you were stabbing Stede.

Lunch went abnormally peacefully and without any argument and when everyone was finished you headed to were Roach was cleaning up the dishes and remains.

—Let me help you— You offered Roach as you took a plate and a sponge and started scrubbing. Roach only shrugged in response and stepped aside to give you more space.

As you were both working in silence, you were able to notice his ocasional side glances on your head and his sometimes hesitating breaths, as if he were deciding whether your situation actually was or was not none of his business. After a couple of minutes he sighed and decided to ask.

— Uh... you OK? That seemed like a pretty much intense argument. We expected you two to take out your swords and all.— He tried to brush it off with a bit of humor and a indifferent pitch but you caught that he wanted something. Maybe it was comforting you (something kind of odd knowing Roach's personality) or he was trying to get fuel for the crew's gossip. Your current mood didn't let you think of his intentions as friendly and so you glared at him and left the dishes in complete silence, leaving through the door right after.

What you didn't know was that a certain scribe had been intently watching the scene.

————

As the day progressed the deck's atmosphere began losing its previous tension and recovered its usually cheerfulness. You grabbed a broom and decided to busy yourself with some sweeping.

— Now, spit it. What the hell happened with you both before?—

You rose your head to meet Lucius' eyes next to you. He was sitting on the deck's stairs with his hands supporting his head.

— It's none of your business, Lucius— you turned to leave when you heard him stand up.

—None of- None of my business?! Dear, you've been nothing like yourself since that fight. You both never even fight!— he approached you and put his hands on your shoulders to make you look at him.

—Remeber when you helped me when Pete and I fought? About all the corny things you told me?— You looked down at the memory of asking Lucius to recall every time he and Pete cuddled or how happy he made him —Let me help you this time—.

You accepted your fate and sat down with him in the stairs, where you hugged him tightly.

— I was just worried about the raids... Last time he got hurt and I was so scared and— You could already feel the tears building up and you hid your face in your hands. You could feel Lucius' hand on your back, doing soothing circles —I don't want to lose him, Luce! He gets so carried away he forgets about taking care of himself!—

— And... That's why you told him you would left and resign as his First Mate if he didn't stop raiding without thinking? —

—Yeah...— You sniffed and wiped off your tears with the back of your hand when you felt a thin object being put on your knee. You accepted the handkerchief with a sad smile and wiped your eyes properly.

Seeing your current state, Lucius abruptly stood up and offered you his hand.

— I'll go talk with him — He had a stern look that said that his opinion couldn't be changed because the decision had been already made.

You sighed in defeat and, accepting his hand, you stood up and shook off your clothes.

— Alright... But don't be too harsh, please—

Lucius smiled at your words and gave you a few pats in the back

— Definetly you're not the same y/n that was trying to stab a piece of meat during lunch — You looked at him tiredly, he hadn't answer your question. — Alright, I promise. I won't be too harsh with him. —

You smiled and he gave you one final hug before walking towards the Captain's cabin.

————

Lucius didn't even bother to knock and bursted open the door to the cabin. Any pirate captain would response to that disrespectful behaviour with the amputation of a finger at least. Instead, captain Bonnet seemed so busy weeping and sobbing in his bed, in a nest made of blankets and cushions, that he didn't hear neither Lucius bursting the door open nor his next approach.

When he was right next to his captain blanket-cocoon and Stede was still unaware of his presence, he cleaned his throat to call for his attention.

— Uh... Captain? I need to talk to you —

Stede gave a visible and violent full body flinch at Lucius' words. He turned his head to the boy next to his bed and quickly tried to act as if he wasn't crying just a second ago, his face still all piffy and red.

— Good lords, Lucius, you startled me! —

He took off the blankets and stood up with a quick jump. — Well, what do you need? I hope it's important, boy! I'm quite busy at this moment —.

Lucius huffed and approached the sofa. He sat on one edge and patted the spot next to him. — I'm here to talk about your fight with your partner. Now, move your ass here because I'm going to set some things clear —. Lucius' tone didn't admit rejection and after hearing a loud gulp from Stede, he had his captain sitting next to him, fidgeting with the edges of his robe.

— What do you mean you want to talk about y/n...? Have you talked to them? — Stede was no longer able to hide his nervousness. Yeah, he had gotten angry because his dear y/n had threatened with leaving if he didn't take care. But, still, he loved them and thinking about them being sad because of the fight made his heart break. He hadn't wanted to get so angry.

— Yes, I've been talking to them — Lucius took a deep breath and interrupted his thoughts. — I can't believe it! — He pointed at his chest — You're the one that always presses the whole "talk it trough" on us but then, you transform into a sad dog after a misunderstanding with your partner! It's ridiculous! —

— Well, I'm aware that I certainly haven't behaved‐ —

— No! — Lucius grabbed one cushion that was laying around on the couch and shoved it into his captain's face — Look! I've got the cushion so it's my turn to talk. Now, listen to me. You have fought with someone who was worrying about your health and well-being, because you're the only one able to lead a raid after having been stabbed in your damn stomach! They take care of you, they worry about you and you get mad at them because of an obvious lie?! —

Stede felt silent. He knew he had made a mistake the moment he saw you running under the ship after that fight. He had felt horribly after and as the coward he was, the only thing he did was sleep. And drink. Both to forget that he hurt you.

Lucius dropped the pillow on Stede's knees and crossed his arms.

— You may speak now –.

— Lucius... — Stede hugged the pillow tightly. His glassy eyes didn't allow him to see Lucius clearly — I'm so sorry we fought- I don't want them to leave! I mean- not because of my mistakes. — Lucius gave a hum of approval as he inquired him to keep going. Stede sighed.

— I love them so much, Lucius. When the possibility of them leaving crossed my mind I got so scared I could only shout at them... I certainly wasn't acting rationally... I let myself get carried by the heat of the moment —

— Keep going — Stede sighed again and decided to maintain his eyes in a loose thread of the pillow instead of holding Lucius hard gaze.

— Neither shouldn't I have been so reckless. We don't need the raids at this moment in time and I understand y/n is as worried as my well-being as I am about theirs. I should have had their feelings into account. —

Lucius grinned in success and clapped excitedly.

— That's good! Yes, sir! Now, how do you feel —

— Miserable —.

— Well, lucky you! I'm sure a certain someone has been happy to hear all this lament of yours — Lucius gave Stede a light punch in his shoulder that Stede answered with a instant "ow". He turned towards the cabin door and waved.

— I know you're there, y/n. You can come out now! —

You peeked out from behind the door and the moment Stede saw you he stood up a headed towards you.

— Oh, dear... — He dropped the cushion at the sight of your glassy eyes, not caring if he was already crying, and took hold of both of your hands.

— I am so sorry, y/n. I mean it. I am so sorry I hurt you. Please, I can't bear being apart from you knowing it was me who hurt you. Please, forgive me. I- —. You cut his spiraling of guilt with a tight embrace.

— Of course I forgive you, you silly —. You pulled apart to take his face in your hands — I shouldn't have said that I would leave. You know I wouldn't, I love you —

— Oh, dear. I love you too —. He hugged you again and you could smell the vanilla scent of his hair.

— Well, then. I'll let you two lovebirds to it. No need to thank me I see! — You heard Lucius' fake offended tone but before either of you could thank him, he dissapeared behind the door.

— He's quite a mediator... —. You giggled at Stede's thoughtful expression and hugged him again.

————

That night you picked out the book for the night reading. You fell asleep quickly, leaned on Stede's side. A soft blanket covered you both and although tiredness didn't allow you to distinguish his words, you could feel the deep rumbling of his chest while he talked.

And next morning, you woke up next to him in the captain's cabin. He had his head on your chest and his arms encircled you. He snored softly as the golden light from the morning sun made his hair glow.

How could you leave?

[archoniluthradanar]

An empty heart can still love : a Marcus Volturi one-shot

An empty heart can still love : a Marcus Volturi one-shot

The Twilight "Zone" series

From an idea given to me by @emma5685

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Marcus was alone in his garden, trimming dead buds off one of the rose bushes he grew in his first mate's honour. Didyme always loved her roses, and this chore of tending this area of the flower garden kept her forever in his memory.

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder. Turning to see his newborn mate standing at his side, Marcus smiled and stood. "Good morning, Aurora." He bent to kiss her, then embraced her tightly, loathe to let her go.

"Good morning, my love. My, what a greeting." She allowed him to hug her, then when he finally released her, Aurora scanned the flowers. "The garden is looking positively beautiful today." She walked between the rows, looking over the bushes and bending to sniff some of those that had a more intense fragrance. Marcus was pleased his new mate liked the garden that he'd dedicated to his long-dead mate and without any jealousy.

She turned to him, saying, "When do I get a rose dedicated to me, Marcus? You're so talented in your cuttings."

"What would you like, my dear?" He stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders while she looked over the various bushes and the colours of roses on each.

"You know I love red roses, so perhaps something that's a cross between a red and a yellow?"

Marcus wrapped his arms around his new mate from behind. "Your wish is my command. I'll start work on it tomorrow," he said, nuzzling the back of Aurora's neck.

Marcus had once been mated to a beautiful woman, but when she had been killed by a rival coven, he had gone into such a deep depression, his fellow leaders of the coven, Aro and Caius, feared he would never recover. Final death was preferable to the ancient vampire over an enforced lifetime of loneliness. Only the influence of another coven member kept him loyal to the coven and not seek an end to himself. Marcus wasn't even aware of this influence binding him to the Volturi.

Then one day, he met a young woman who was pretty, witty, and so filled with positive human qualities that Marcus missed, he had to have her. He wooed her slowly, then revealed his secret to her. She did not fear him, being in love with him already. When Marcus explained the world of the Volturi to her, she accepted the immortal life he had to offer her.

Aro and Caius were not as welcoming to her as Marcus had hoped. At times, they would barely acknowledge her presence. This saddened him and his mate as well.

Marcus and Aurora were in the bedroom of their chambers, lying in bed. Marcus had just spent hours pleasing his mate while they made love. He sought to make Aurora cry out his name more than once when she came, and only then would he take his own pleasure of her.

Later, they lay side by side, talking low while touching and caressing one another. Such a simple act bonded the two vampires into an inseparable couple. Aurora would rub her nose against Marcus', then cuddle him while nuzzling his neck, inhaling the sweetness of his scent.

Marcus had gone thousands of years without a woman's touch, but he had found his love now. Aurora always showed him how much she loved to touch him, as if she couldn't get enough of him. He had memorized her completely. Her scent, the taste of her, the feel of her. The day he had changed her was the second happiest day of his existence. He would never be alone again.

"My darling, I going to go take a shower. Will you join me?" Aurora gave Marcus a kiss that told him he should not say no. She rose from the bed and sauntered to the bathroom door, looking back at his naked body, the memories of last night fresh in her mind. She bit her lower lip, something that, for whatever reason, drove Marcus mad with lust. He got up from the bed to follow her, when he heard someone coming into the chamber's ante-room.

Aurora sighed and went into the bathroom entrance. "Come join me, my love, when you get rid of whomever decided to interrupt us, now of all times." She then shut the door behind her.

Marcus threw on a robe, and went to the outer room, only to be greeted by Aro.

Seeing Marcus in his robe, he asked him, "Why are you not dressed? You were to be in the throne room at 2:00p pm."

"I've been busy, brother, and had forgotten the time. Allow me to dress, and I'll be there soon." Marcus looked toward the bathroom, hearing the shower running, and turned back to Aro. "Give me a few minutes, brother."

"All right then, but hurry. The prisoner is a possible flight risk. He's being closely guarded by Felix, but may attempt an escape."

"I will be there, Aro." Once his brother had left his chambers, Marcus went into the walk-in closet to choose a suit to wear.

"Aro can be very intrusive," a voice said behind him.

"I know, my heart, but it is important business. It won't take long. You may join us if you wish." Marcus saw Aurora beside him, with nothing but a towel wrapped around her head. He patted her shapely behind, telling her to dress, lest she tempt him again, causing him to miss the upcoming trial.

"I'll be there as soon as I dress, Marcus. Now you'd better hurry along, or Aro will come back," she said, laughing. She stood on tiptoe to kiss Marcus, then turned to choose a dress to wear.

oooooooooooooooo

The throne room had become a trial room, with Aro and Caius waiting on their chairs. Felix and Santiago held the prisoner's arms, leading him to the center of the room.

Marcus saw Aurora enter through one of the carved wooden doors and come stand at the side of his chair. He gave her a smile and reached out to hold her hand. "You haven't missed anything, love. The trial is about to start."

Aro heard Marcus speaking, but to whom, he wondered. No time now. He would ask him later. For now, he had a rogue vampire to judge and execute.

oooooooooooooooo

Once the trial was over and punishment had been meted out to the guilty vampire, the guards cleaned up the remains and left the room. Only Aro, Caius and Marcus stayed behind.

Aro turned to Marcus, his eyes scanning the area. "Brother, to whom were you speaking awhile ago?"

Marcus smiled at Aro. "I was only telling Aurora about the trial. The requirements on how judgements are made, how punishment is administered. She's very interested in all that."

Aro looked at Caius whose expression was one of confusion. Who was Marcus talking about?

Aro stood and walked over to Marcus. "Who is Aurora, brother?"

Marcus turned to his mate, taking her hand and kissing the palm. "This is Aurora, Aro. Why are you asking me these questions?"

Caius rose from his chair to stand beside Aro. "Marcus, there is no one there."

Marcus felt Aurora's hand slip away from his, and when he turned around to her, she was gone. He stood quickly, spinning around in place, his eyes seeking her out. He sped to the first set of doors and opened them to see nothing. He called to her, with no reply. He sped to the other set of doors, and again, saw no one. His mind raced. Where had she gone?

Aro sped to Marcus' side, placing his hand on the ancient vampire's shoulder. "Brother, calm yourself. There is no one here in the coven named Aurora." He came up with a theory, as grim as it was, and explained it to Marcus.

"Your state of depression, my dear brother, has brought you so low, that your mind must have created a figment of a woman, one posing as your mate. It's the only explanation."

"No, it cannot be. She was with me last night, in our bed. She was in the shower this morning, when you came to our chambers."

"I didn't hear the shower water running. There was no one in the bathroom, or I would have known."

Marcus' mind attempted a reset. It tried to tell him Aro was right. "Not possible. She was with me all night. She came to the throne room after me, to watch the trial. She was here. I was holding her hand!"

Aro and Caius had never seen Marcus so animated. But they knew the truth. There was no Aurora, and Marcus was close to madness.

Reigning in his annoyance, Aro stated firmly, "Brother, please forgive me. Aurora doesn't exist. She never did!"

Marcus looked around the throne room one more time, then sped from it, heading to his chambers. "Aurora? Please, my love, do not hide from me." He sat on the edge of the bed, the same bed he had been in last night, with his mate. They had loved each other for hours. Was it all in his mind? "Please come back to me." He waited to only hear silence. "Please?"

oooooooooooooooo

Marcus sat in the garden, his unbeating heart feeling empty and broken. He had suffered the loss of another beloved mate taken from him. She had not been real, but she felt real to him. First Didyme, now Aurora.

Aro had said that Marcus' mind was in such a state of loss and melancholy, it had created a mate for him. One that he could see, feel, and even smell. She was as real to him as Didyme had been.

Marcus, however, felt the loss of his imaginary mate as strongly as he had when Didyme had been destroyed. Was he fated to lose every woman he ever loved, even one who wasn't real? Why did he deserve this hell?

Even the birds seemed to agree with Marcus. They did not sing in the sunlight among the trees. His grief was like a heavy fog blocking out all sound from the garden.

Aro told Marcus he needed to face the fact his one and only mate was gone. His latest mate was gone as well. No, he had said, annoyed. Not gone. Never existed! Aurora was nothing more than a figment of his brother's misery.

Lowering his head, Marcus deplored his solitary existence. There would be no one to greet him with a kiss and an embrace. He would have no one to sit, and talk or read with. There would be no one to yearn for him and lie with him in bed. There was no one left to love him.

The silence in the garden was about to overwhelm the melancholy vampire...when he felt a hand rest on his shoulder.

[alicewritingstories]

Febuwhump Day 11: Time loop

CW: Fatal injuries, blood, mention of torture

Continued from Day 8.

AO3

---

Time set out an hour after his conversation with Four. He'd wanted to go sooner, but Sky had dropped into another fit of terrified screams and struggles. Despite his weakened state, he'd broken Hyrule's nose and bitten Wind's hand hard enough to break a bone before he collapsed again. Time hoped desperately that when - when - he recovered he would remember nothing and his injured brothers would indeed forgive him.

Once that was resolved, Time took Warriors and Twilight aside and told them, "Four has given me an idea for something that might help. I'm going to go back to that dungeon."

"I'm coming with you," said Twilight immediately.

"You're not," said Time. "I'm going back alone and I'm going to confront that mage, but I don't know whether my idea will work if anyone is with me. It's not worth the risk."

Warriors nodded. "Can you tell us what the plan is?"

Time shook his head. "This is all I'll say: I should be back in a couple of hours. If I'm not back after three, I'm leaving you two in charge. Do what seems best."

They'd come looking for him, he knew that, but he'd leave it to them to make their own plans as to how and when. He clasped each of their shoulders and added, "Take care of the others. And keep a good eye on Sky. I hope before long you'll see an improvement."

Twilight frowned and grabbed Time's wrist as he started to step away. "Old man… you're not going to do anything stupid, are you? Like sacrifice yourself in his place?"

Time shook his head. "That's certainly not what I'm planning to do."

Warriors smiled wryly. "I don't like the way you emphasized that," he said. "But all right, keep your secrets. We'll give you three hours."

Twilight was still gripping Time's wrist, but as Time met his eye he slowly relaxed and stepped back. "Be careful," he said softly.

Time nodded. "I will," he said firmly. He shot a last glance towards where Sky lay, Wild at his side now, his eyes still open and blank. Then he turned and walked away, heading back towards the dungeon where all this had happened. He didn't know if this would work. He didn't even know if the mage would have returned to their previous haunts having driven off the intruders. He just had to try.

***

He reached the dungeon after a walk of an hour and four minutes. It had taken two and a half hours to cover the same distance with a helpless, delirious Sky, but he couldn't think about that now. The door by which they'd fled was still open, almost inviting them to return, and Time could feel the same dark aura as when they'd been there before. He let out a disgusted hiss of breath through his teeth, then took out the Ocarina of Time, clenching his fist around it. It always felt cold in his hand. He had promised himself he would never use it again.

He especially didn't want to do what he was about to try.

But he knew how awful a time loop could be. Hopefully the mage would feel the same way.

Before the memories could start to gather in earnest, he marched through the door.

"Where are you?" he demanded.

He heard someone laugh. An echo of the sound rattled around the stone room, warping and twisting into a sound like Sky's sobs.

"Show yourself!" he called. His voice didn't echo at all.

The texture of the air changed and a figure appeared in front of him, quite clear though it seemed to be made out of gray smoke. The mage smiled.

"I wondered when one of you would come back," he said. "If you're here to apologize for invading my home and beg me to release that one I cursed, get on your knees and do so. I'll listen and judge if it's to my satisfaction." He grinned. "I am enjoying myself, though, so I may ask a price. It struggles so deli-"

"I'm not here to beg for anything," Time interrupted, forcing himself to ease his enraged grip on the Ocarina. Now would be a very bad time to find out if it could break. "I can trap you as surely as you've trapped my friend and I've come to demand his release."

The mage laughed again. "Oh, how wonderful! You might even be more fun, if you'd care to offer an exchange."

As Time had told Twilight, that was not the plan. With a deep breath, he tried to ignore the ticking noise that was starting to ring softly in his ears and raised the Ocarina, playing that familiar handful of notes. The world reversed around him, the mage disappearing before his eyes, and he was whisked back to the doorway.

He walked in again.

The mage appeared, this time without laughing. He looked quizzical.

"What was that?" he asked.

"How I'm going to trap you until you release my friend." Time smiled grimly. "We're going to replay this meeting and this conversation over and over again as many times as it takes for you to release my friend."

The mage snarled. "It's mine for as long as I want to hold it!"

Time played the Song of Time again. He was pulled back to the doorway and walked in again.

"Release my friend," he said as soon as the mage appeared.

The mage hurled a bolt of something that crackled like lightning and shone like steel. It caught Time in the chest and pinned him to the wall, his vision whiting out for a moment in agony. He heard himself let out a groaning cry as if from a distance. But he retained enough strength and presence of mind to raise the Ocarina to his lips and play.

He was back at the doorway. He walked in again.

"Release my friend."

It went on and on. The mage raged and cursed. He hurled magic and stones and weapons at Time. The mouthpiece of the Ocarina was covered in blood and blood bubbled at the finger-holes as Time played it over and over again through mortal injuries.

He lost track of how many times he'd been through the loop.

He lost track of how many times he'd used his final breath to play the Song of Time.

He just kept count of the minutes and seconds that passed every time. How far he had to go back to stand at that doorway and walk through it again.

"Release my friend." His voice was hoarse. He'd repeated the words so many times they sounded like meaningless noise in his ears, but he forced them out anyway.

The mage also looked exhausted, glaring at him from eyes that now glowed red in his gray face. Suddenly he grinned. He snapped his fingers, then started to cast another spell. Time recognised it as the one he'd cast on Sky.

He'd released him and was about to curse Time instead.

The plan wasn't to offer a trade. Though he knew reversing time would also undo the removal of the curse, Time's hands flashed up again. Again he was at the door. Again he walked in.

"No trades!" he roared. "Release my friend!"

The mage tried the same thing twice more. He tried releasing Sky and then killing Time. Time reset the loop over and over again. His vision was blurring. The ticking in his ears was getting worse. He could almost see the grinning face of the moon on the ceiling of the dungeon.

He played the Song of Time again.

And again.

And again.

At last, he and the mage were staring at each other in silence once more. The red of the mage's eyes had faded again. He looked like smoke now, insubstantial. Time wondered if he could waft him away with a hand.

"My friend," he said softly, hoping it wasn't obvious that his head was pounding and he felt like he was about to faint. "Release him and go."

The mage lifted a lip in a snarl.

"And if I return to my camp and find that you've tried to trick me, I can put myself and you back to the beginning of this loop," Time added. "This will go on for eternity if you do not release him."

"I release… your friend and in exchange you end the loop and free me," said the mage reluctantly.

"Yes. So you see, we made a trade after all. Him for you."

The mage snorted. "Done," he said. He snapped his fingers, then disappeared. The dark aura faded. Time was standing alone in an empty stone room. He turned and staggered to the doorway, gasping in the clean, cool air outside, suddenly terribly dizzy. It was starting to rain.

In a moment's cold clarity, as he looked down at his fingers clutched around the Ocarina, the time added up in his head.

Five minutes as far as the rest of the world was concerned.

Four days, eight hours, seven minutes, and fifty-three seconds for him.

With that thought, he finally collapsed.

---

(No points for guessing my favourite scene in Doctor Strange)

Continued on Day 18

[sonderwrit]

C121: Sincerely

I Have to Be a Great Villain - Masterpost

Author's 木火然 Weibo post:

The couple next door drives quickly* (no home base), even holding a long-distance romance (no). Next chapter will debut the adult Wang Yi! 😘😘😘 This world's XY will definitely love each other; if there's anyone to blame then blame Qin for being high-quality wood (in other words: blockhead).

*to "drive" is an euphemism for snusnu in Chinese *cough*

—

Wang Yi: Can I ask…

WY: What you're thinking right now?

[TL: is that blobby bit in there the "piece of X" that Qin Xian left in Wang Yi after feeding him himself in the last world ahhhh]

Qin Xian: Disciple seems more cheerful, but your soul hasn't changed, nor have you been resurrected from the dead.

WY: ?

S-0: ?

WY: (He's actually more concerned with whether his disciple's been soul-snatched.)

WY: Right, nothing's changed, but it's still different. If this was the old Wang Yi, he'd probably still try playing the obedient disciple to disguise his identity.

WY: But I've already "tricked" you too many times, so I don't want to hurt you anymore.

WY: (I've yet to confirm the visions in my head.)

WY: [I still don't know what S-0 means by "averting the crisis."]

WY: [I only know that Qin Xian's last few worlds weren't probably as easy as he claims. He must have been suffering most of the time.]

WY: [The same with this world.]

WY: [Even if I keep pretending, what awaits him is—]

(SCENARIO) Wang Yi: "Apologies, Master." WY: "My poison has aphrodisiac properties."

WY: [Betrayal from a disciple he gave everything to teach.]

WY: [So it's better to explain in advance since my heart can't deceive others anyways.]

WY: I said I'd pursue you.*

*implied to be romantically

WY: So no matter whether you remember the past, I'll still treat you well.

WY: (Ah, ah, why do I feel so happy just thinking of biting him.) [Looks like I still haven't calmed down yet.]

WY: You can read minds, so you should understand disciple isn't lying.

S-0: Host, what are you saying? Mr. Qin sealed his memory personally, so it's very easy for him to recover them as long as he wants to.

WY: (I really want to kiss him, bite him, and make a mess of him before swallowing him up.)

WY: (Blurred thoughts)

QX: ….

WY: If he can remember, then what's he doing right now?

S-0: Eh?

QX: Disciple.

QX: You said before for Master do [do what I want to do].

(FLASHBACK: Wang Yi telling Qin Xian he can do whatever QX wants)

QX: Were you sincere?

WY: Ah? It was sincere.

WY: (Why's he asking like that?)

WY: (Nothing to fear, I'll still chase him 'til the end of the story.)

QX: ….

S-0: So it's irrecoverable?

QX: I understand.

QX: I—

QX: Shall do as you wish.

WY: Huh?

S-0: ?

WY: (As I wish means…?)

S-0: Gahhh—

QX: For some reason, Disciple Wang Yi awakened a demon clan bloodline.

QX: It's certain that his mind is affected by primordial instincts with a tendency to deteriorate further.

WY: Hold on?

WY: What's this all of a sudden?

QX: He shall be exiled to the people,

QX: And never allowed entry into the sect again.

QX: The demon's mark has been engraved. I wish my disciple to live smoothly without worries from this day on.

WY: That's not it, Master! Whatever you want to do, I can do with you.

WY: (He wants to abandon me? What did I do wrong? He didn't even used to react when he knew I bit people.)

QX: Apologies.

QX: As long as you're here, I can't move freely. With your ability, it'll be better to live freely in the mortal world.

*WHOOOSH*

WY: Master?!

WY: Hah…?

WY: (He's never moved so quickly when we used to travel together… Was it taking my cultivation level into account?)

WY: Doesn't this…mean that I've never caught up to him.

S-0: Host!

S-0: What happened? I was blown away by the sword aura just then!

WY: (Aish, what a mess. I wasn't prepared at all.)

WY: Qin Xian seemed to have decided on something after reading my thoughts. He left a demon seal on me and left. Quick, help me check if it's got any debuffs or something. [It shouldn't have been done with malicious intentions.]

S-0: Oh, okay!

*SCANNING…*

S-0: Sigh.

WY: What?

WY: (He's got wrinkles on his forehead.)

S-0: The results of your full-body scan indicates that this is a daoist spell that [will hurt yourself as soon as you hurt others]. Yunshan Sect seems to use the sigil to identify those of other species.

WY: Oh. 

WY: It's as if he really kicked me out of the sect…

S-0: But the strange thing is, Host still has a layer of strong celestial sword aura (Tiangang Sword Aura) around him left by a high-ranking cultivator. Its function is probably to resist fatal attacks from cultivators below the Nascent Soul stage.*

*Reminder: In the cultivation world the levels are: Qi-Refining > Foundation Building > Golden Core > Nascent Soul > Immortal Ascension > Overcoming tribulation and becoming a god

DIAGRAM: "Injury Backlash Spell," "Tiangang Sword Aura" 

S-0: It'll be sensed by the caster during attack.

WY: The Tiangang Sword Aura is…Qin Xian's ability.

WY: (The huge spell formation just then didn't feel like a counterspell…)

WY: (More like…)

WY: …….

S-0: The Sword Saint might not have wanted to abandon you. Host, what were you thinking at the time?

WY: After eating the realgar and thinking about biting Qin Xian, I got a bit excited. But I quickly suppressed that thought with common sense…

S-0: Oh?

S-0: That's it?

WY: !

WY: ….

WY: I think.

WY: I know the reason now.

Wu Zhen: I know of the incident Sword Saint speaks of.

Wu Zhen: But the child you mentioned who underwent heavenly tribulation isn't my disciple.

[WU ZHEN: Yunshan Sect sect leader, early stage Nascent Soul cultivator]

Wu Zhen: He was probably using the sect's name to do evil deeds.

QX: Better send someone to investigate, this is no simple matter.

QX: (That child didn't lie regarding this point.)

Wu Zhen: ……

Wu Zhen: Since the Sword Saint insists, this really may be an anomaly. It'll be done as you said.

Wu Zhen: Speaking of which, where's your disciple? Why didn't I see him come receive the reward for slaying demons?

QX: …….

QX: My disciple left to gain experience and won't return anytime soon.

Wu Zhen: Oh? That's unlike you. How could the Sword Saint bear to let the disciple who clings to you all day suffer out in the world alone?

QX: …..mm.

QX: It's so he won't suffer.

[FLASHBACK] 

WY: (I really want to kiss him, bite him, and make a mess of him before swallowing him up.)

WY: (Urk, I can't think like that. Otherwise, the future where Qin Xian digs out my celestial bone* and tosses me down the cliff will come early.)

*In cultivation novels, those with the aptitude to cultivate are sometimes in possession of special "celestial bones".

[END FLASHBACK]

QX: That I let him go.

QX: (Wang Yi and that spiritual cat seem to be saying)

QX: (That as long as the demon bloodline exists, in the near future I will personally slay my own disciple, right?)

QX: Oh right, help me investigate how to strip demon bloodlines out of someone along the way.

Wu Zhen: Hah? Along the way?

QX: (But I—)

QX: (Don't want to do such a thing.)

[kit-scrolls]

Hi! I just read your old BSD fic, Altschmerz, and I was wondering if you could provide me with a sorta outline of how the story was gonna go? It's really well written, in-character, and I'm really invested in where the story will go from here. If it's no trouble, of course! :3

ITS BEEN A LITERAL YEAR SINCE YOU SENT THIS ASK IM SO SORRY

i was fully prepared to send you my whole outline, but i. don't know where it went?? i don't have the last chapter of altschmerz stored anywhere in my docs i literally have no idea. where did. what????

i can give you my best guess, but please keep in mind it has been over 2 years since i've actually thought about it at all. on that note, please, please, please feel free to pick it up if you'd like! i don't mind at all, and if you're interested in working w/ me, feel free to DM me so i can link you to my current tumblr acc. :)

spoilers!!

chapter 5

what i definitely wanted: confrontation with the port mafia, but more specifically mori, similar to the canon meeting between the ada/pm. security in front of mori's door yields to him and calls him by his executive honorifics. there's taunting between the two of them, and at some point dazai threatens mori's life in reference to the reason he quit the PM (something along the lines of "why, 'cause you were scared i'd slit your throat just like you did all those years ago?"). throughout the chapter, kunikida finally puts the pieces together and dreadingly realizes that dazai is, in fact, the demon prodigy.

what i kind of want now: a kunikida/dazai confrontation in the same location as the iconic oda/dazai scene in the dark era, where dazai fails to grab onto oda's coat before he goes to fight mimic. possibly interactions with chuuya later down the line, but i can't write skk for the life of me so maybe not?

chapter 6 onwards

i'm fairly certain yamada hanako is revealed to be the one who sent the note, with the actual name of fumiko enchi. irl fumiko enchi was the author of masks, a japanese novel surrounding the ideas of sexual deception and revenge. the story mr. yamada tells about her eloping with the demon prodigy isn't entirely untrue—it was part of a mission dazai had with the port mafia (yes, possibly while underage) and he obviously ends up dumping her when the mission is over. she never gets over it—hence the motive. i think this is meant to tie into the fic's title—altschmerz—where neither dazai nor fumiko are able to rid themselves of their past.

i also have some vague memories in the back of my mind that they might actually recover the footage from the PM which does in fact show dazai delivering the ransom note (in this case, masks would give her the ability to change her appearance, and so she is dazai in disguise) but i can't entirely remember if i actually planned that. if so, i think past me also missed out on some opportunities for fun shapeshifting hijinks to occur earlier on. like, maybe during the kunikida/dazai confrontation, it's not dazai at all—its fumiko, who ends up saying some pretty nasty things + injuring kunikida and therefore raises the stakes for dazai quite a bit.

final chapter

i'm fairly certain i actually wrote this one out, which is a wee bit frustrating. i think this fic was meant to end at oda's graveyard, once the mission was over. maybe fukuzawa sent dazai on break after all was said and done. kunikida finds dazai sitting with his back to oda's gravestone, and they talk through things. for some reason, my memory is insisting ranpo was involved too, but i can't remember why. i think the resolution to the fic is meant to be one focused on morality, the value of changing your ways and doing good, and moving on from past mistakes. and trust.

.

to be honest, i can't say for certain i'll return to this fic, or writing fics in general, again. this isn't a bad thing! i've hopped around fandoms, somewhat moved on to working on my own characters and stories, and changed monikers a couple times (some of you might have interacted with my alt accs without ever having realized). for the number of you all who've been interested in my well-being, i'm 100% fine, promise.

thank you for everyone who's been sending nice messages to my inboxes—i do read every one, even if i sometimes don't have the time or energy to reply. i will say, this is the most invested i've been in altschmerz in a long time and who knows? maybe i'll come back to it one day. till then though, signing off,

kit-scrolls.