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nabs-draws · 9 months ago

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Lets talk about being Biracial today.

(TW: Mentioning of racism, CSA, Domestic abuse)

I'm biracial. My Mother is german, my biological father is a Pakistani. My biological father immigrated to Germany in the late 80s/early 90s when he met my mum. They became friends, they began to date and my mum got accidentally pregnant with me. My dad tried to push my mum into abortion first, because at the time mum was pregnant with me, they were not married. Which is a big nono in Pakistani culture. Yet, mum kept me. And convinced my dad, that it will be allright. A year later, they married.

As a kid, it never actually mattered that I was biracial. Because most of the kids I grew up with had a immigration background. Some kids were turkish. Others were russian. and some kids in our neighbourhood were polish. We usually all played together. I learned a bit of russian and Turkish as well...but never could return anything about my culture, as my dad didn't teach me much about Pakistani culture. Yet, the whole outer family expected me to live as a Pakistani.

My parents fought a lot. Both of them had a love/Hate relationship towards each other and my Dad was very abusive towards my mum, and later towards me too. (which resulted in me having cPTSD today). My mum, as a result of my dads abuse and his hostile behavior towards us, became neglectful of me too. I don't blame her today. But it wasn't easy. Especially if you were exposed to violence since birth. My aunt always said, that he should use me and my mum as a way to get the german citizenship. After all , he impregnated a german woman and I was the result, but somehow despite my dad being a monster, he also kind of loved us and said that he would never do such a shitty thing. (but beating your wife and sa'ing your kid was not a shitty thing, huh? ). Dads side of the family were verbally abusive towards me too, considering the fact that I embrace my german side more and pushed away the Pakistani side. It sucked but yeah, it is what it is. I might talk more briefly in the subject in the future, when I'm ready. For now. This is as far as I can go about my family dynamic. Back to other parts of my childhood:

I think the first time I experienced racism, was in 2nd grade. It was the 12th September 2001. I was pretty early in school when a group of kids approached me. Since a lot of people were curious where my name came from, I was always open about my biracial background. "You are Pakistani, right?" In confusion, I responded with a nod. "So that means, you're evil too?" I was still confused by it. They clarified "It was propably your family member that flew into the towers, right?" and they pushed me. Like, I knew what happend on 9/11. But how on earth do they think that I was related to them just because of my ancestory roots. Overwhelmed by all of this, I began to cry badly. A few classmates saw what was happening and called the teacher and told her what happened. My teacher , who was the sweetest person on earth got furious. Not at me of course, but what the kids put me through and she lectured the kids and afterwards thought us about Racism and why we should NEVER discriminate someone because of their heritage. Or looks, or for who they love. Miss Viera truely was the best!

In my family, I usually clashed with my Dad because I began to show interest in christianity. I'm not religious at all, but I was always fascinated by Theology. THe similarities between religious beliefs. And of course, European churches. The concept of Angels and Devils, as overused as this topic is in popculture.

People are always surprised by the fact that I'm biracial, because I pass as white on the street. I have lightskin, but my facial feature would call out the Pakistani side immediately. My amber-colored eyes too. My hair is darkbrown with a ginger shine on it and some lighter brown hairstrains. Which are natural, not colored. And I got freckles. I always joke around that my Parents genes were as stubborn as they were in person, resulting into a weird mix because non of the genes were able to tell which one is the dominant one. and well yeah. I'm in the priviledged position of being read as white , but this doesn't mean that I don't face racism and microagression regardless. Mainly because my name calls me out. And Pakistanis easily recognize me too because of facial features.

Once people get to know my name, they usually begin to treat me differently. They willingly mispronouncing my name, which resulted in me being annoyed and tired of correcting people each time. People asking me where I'm from and not believing me that I'm german (despite my CV says that I'm born and raised in Germany.) Having to deal with bigoted opinions, primarily with authorities and them apologizing, once they learn that I have a B.A. Or people telling me that I speak "good german" once they realize that I am biraced. like…yeah. My mum is german!

Being biracial makes it harder to speak about being victimized by CSA from the family. Because you never know if the therapist in front of you might hold racist believes or not and you don't want to tell your story in order to hurt other people or bigoted people to instrumentalize your story for their fu**ed up believes in thinking that all immigrants are evil (no they're not, by he way I was just very unfortunate to be born in a familysystem consisted of a group of predators that put harm on their children.) That you have to apologize in behalf of people you don't even know just because these people did evil things. Like…for gods sake, it's not our fault that these people do these shitty things. …okay I should stop here.

Anyways…That's why I drew this image. Inspired by the song "Half" by Queen Bee, where Avu-chan sings about their own experience of being Biracial. In fact, it was that song that inspired me to reflect on my own biracialness. That it's not always easy. That we want to live regardless and make people happy. That it isn't our ancestory that makes us matter but the people that we are. That evilness has nothing to do has nothing to do with our culutral heritage but the effed up believes that other people have. For thinking one is more worth than the other, when actually, we're all just human in the end. And if you think otherwise with your racist believes, than maybe this blog isn't for you!

In the end I like to say that you matter. Regardless of your race, your sexuality, your gender, your ability or you age. You are important. You are loved. You matter!

P.S: I need to clarify that every biracial person experience being biracial differently. Just because I had a shitty upbringing, doesn't mean that every biracial person had a shitty upbringing. I'm just talking about MY experience!

P.P.S: I really hope that this doesn't offend anybody. I'm was sitting here for the entire day, not being sure how to write it. On top of this, english isn't my first language so it might be that some sentences might be weird due to errors in translation. Thank you for understanding. If there are problematic sentences, please let me know and I will change it. And please be kind towards each other!

#illustration #artist on tumblr #digital art #art #digital painting #painting #self portrait #blog #original art #portrait #tumblr artist

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thegeminisage · 2 years ago

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sigh. tng update time. tuesday we did "sarek" and last night i sadly watched "menage a troi" on my own.

sarek: the fact that they mentioned his "son's wedding" once near the beginning and never clarified distracted me for the entire episode until i could google it. and google gave me no answers except to say that he married saavik in some semi-canonical novel. i hate that because saavik was his student (i guess aos had him right after all...) and also because of whatever horrible and weird thing they had going on in search for spock. WHICH BY THE WAY BROKE PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED CANON don't get me started

anyway, aside from that, this episode fucking ruled

i love the concept of vulcan dementia just being vulcan emotionalism. i wonder if it's genetic. i wonder if spock would've gotten it had he lived longer. i kind of wish spock had been the one following sarek around containing his emotions even though i wouldn't wish that fate on him cuz then i would've gotten to see him :(

less thrilled about the new wife. they could have had someone else play amanda if her real actress wasn't available (and she wasn't dead, i checked). if people live for like 150 years in the future there simply wasn't long enough for her to die and for sarek to have gotten remarried, especially if vulcans bond for life (which i guess was implied in some interpretations of amok time but not canonized).

actually, if sarek had once been bonded to someone as spock was to t'pring, how did HE wind up with a human wife...did he get remarried so quickly because of pon farr or does that wind down as vulcans get older...so many questions which will never be answered

anyway, i loved the sudden bursts of anger, it was so fun. uh except for beverly hitting her kid but it wasnt Her so we can move past it. especially thrilled with riker and picard almost getting into it

SAREK CRYING? ok king. i wish we had gotten to see spock cry and not in that deleted tmp scene

i loved picard's nerdery of him also. that makes the mind meld very fun. the rituals are literally intricate. also, "we shall always have the best parts of each other inside of us" i HOPE THATS TRUE FOR SPOCK AND KIRK AND BONES. i read an excerpt from a novel. well. i don't want to talk about it

anyway, picard calling out to spock and amanda...maybe i did well up a little at the mention of spock's name. who can say!!!!!

menage a troi: SSSSSSSSSSSIGH

ok, so i grabbed this one by myself because the summary looked bad and we're trying to finish s3 before chr*stmas fucks up all our social plans. no matter how bad the summary was, the actual episode was WORSE

i have three good things to say about this episode actually. the first was that i like that deanna yelled at her mom again, although this time i know better than to expect it to stick. the second was that i LOOOOVED deanna and riker's little date outfits. extremely charming. and finally i loved when lwaxana handed riker that horrible looking vegetable and he ate it with only mild reluctance. king is literally down to clown.

the rest of this ep was garbage. i know we didn't actually see any sex happen but i feel like they implied pretty heavily that the ferengi fucked her, possibly even multiple times. and like it's funny! ha ha ha look at the crazy situations this eccentric lady gets into! ha ha ha look at her and deanna having to run around naked!

somehow, this was the worst lwaxana episode yet. idk why i actually expected them to do a little better in s3. like, if i was gene roddenberry and they did this to my WIFE on MY SHOW. but you can put even odds on it being his idea or him getting off to it. his horrible little fetish fuel.

cherry on top was lwaxana's self-sacrifice at the end where she stays behind to let deanna escape sex slavery or whatever. which one felt like a classic narcissist parent thing and two wasn't even real - it was an excuse for picard to do badly-acted poetry on the bridge to pretend to be her jealous lover to get them to let her go. and then after all that she goes right back to sexually harassing HIM. because it's funny! ha ha ha!

anyway, it's a shame they had wes's little arc as the b plot of this episode because it was fine and feels important continuity wise, and yet every list on earth will rightfully suggest this episode get skipped because it fucking sucks.

tonight, the last two episodes of season 3 - "transfigurations" and "best of both worlds part i." i already know picard gets BORGED in the finale because i've known that since i was a baby and i am WAITING!!! they fucjing blue balled me in the first borg ep and i am MORE than ready for some brainwashed cyborg action. palette cleanser after lwaxana troi episodes.

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb

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docholligay · 2 years ago

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Let me clarify here: I don't think I'd go to the mat saying TNG is the *best* Star Trek, but it is the one I grew up with, and so is the one I enjoy and have fondness for. Happens all the time that things we grow up with we assign more merit to. They got to show concepts that we DIDN'T KNOW were tired and annoying, and when you're a child, solving something immediately feels fuckin great. This is actually why I caution people against recommending a show to me they grew up with--you don't have an objective gaze. And by you I also mean me. I am well aware that Sailor Moon is not actually good, storytelling wise, or even character wise ahaha, but it is good to me because it was a thing I grew up with that fulfilled a need for me at the times it came back into my life, and so Haruka and Michiru grew up with me, and became the people they are in my head.

When I think of TNG, I think of the feeling of sitting cross legged on the ugly beige carpet of our living room in front of our too old TV, my mom sitting on the blue and pink couch we had where the threads were coming off. I never sat on it, it was too scratchy. I think about the way she made a bag of microwave popcorn and split it between us, and how it was just her and me, because my dad hated it and my sister was easily scared. I think about how I loved these ideas that had never fucking occurred to me, so young, and how I envied Picard's bearing and calm in the face of fear, and how I wanted to be like that (unfortunately I became a shit-talking goblin, oops). The goodness or badness of the show is surpassed by the memory of what it was to be watching it at five or six or seven years old. Such as it is with so many things.

So yeah I bet the other shows ARE 'better'. I actually am not sure what order they go in. I've seen some of the original, Voyager, DS9, and Discovery, and DS9 was the only other one I continued on with for awhile. But better and favorite are very very different words, and I don't claim one follows the other.

#Doc watches DS9 #DS9 S6E19

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safestsephiroth · 9 months ago

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completely unbiased objective factual review of every MSQ in FFXIV as of the release of base dawntrail (pre-7.1) (Part 2: SB and SHB)

A repeat of the intro from last post, which can be found here: https://safestsephiroth.tumblr.com/post/762492923054047232/completely-unbiased-objective-factual-review-of

Just to clarify, I know some people are bad at reading tone through text. This is, of course, the objective truth because it's my opinion and my opinion has never been wrong ever, and I take this as deathly serious as a hostage negotiation, a military standoff, or an argument about vtubers.

[And if you don't already know this is written tongue-in-cheek with that, then you might not enjoy what's to come. Especially if you cannot stomach negativity. If you keep reading from here that's on you tbh.]

[This series of posts will not be tagged with anything relating to the game because I have learned over the years not to tag things when you're being a hater. If you hate this, it's not likely to come up again on here so just ignore this post dude it ain't hard. Press the J key. Or read and laugh. I'm writing this for me, your enjoyment is not a concern, audience!]

STORMBLOOD

Here's the point that everyone who started playing this game in either Heavensward or Shadowbringers finds out they're WRONG AS FUCK and always have been: Stormblood is good. Stormblood MSQ is GOOD. Characters that are at worst mid and by and large pretty great; regions that are (sometimes) visually interesting for the first time since A Realm Reborn; some of the coolest parts of the lore added in the game to this day; some of the most interesting political questions and situations.

Heavensward and Stormblood both ask the question: what does it take to have a political upheaval in a society? Can you restructure a society that might be too far gone?

Stormblood asks this question about countries who, within living memory, used to be free of the worst dictatorship in the setting (Allag is gone and Garlemald are fanboys of it so it has the tiniest bit of bonus points in the same way modern Rome fanboys are even worse than ancient Rome was because they're not even good at understanding the upsides of that ancient awfulness and think the worst parts are the best) and go figure that leads to a far more interesting exploration of the societies at play.

As someone who used to be a big fan of Ala Mhigo and how it was a really neat way to incorporate concepts and ideas from Ivalice without actually just copy-pasting Ivalice wholesale into the game (hm!) I was largely disappointed with its treatment in this game, but you know. It's there! It's better than More Goddamned Ishgard! I do think it's keenly disappointing that by and large the ala mhigo zones are just Pollution And Ruins but whatever.

Incidentally, did you like the part of Stormblood where the Emperor of Garlemald looks directly into the camera and says "JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, WE'RE THE BAD GUYS. THE ONE PURE RACE IS THE ONLY WAY FOR THE WORLD TO CONTINUE. DO YOU RECOGNIZE NOW THAT WE'RE AN ANALOGUE FOR TOTALITARIAN NIGHTMARE SOCIETIES? DO YOU GET THAT WE'RE RUSSIAN NAZIS? DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND YET? WE'RE THE BAD GUYS. GARLEMALD IS BAD. IF GARLEMALD WINS, THAT'S BAD. GARLEAN RULE IS A BAD THING. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT GARLEMALD. IS NOT THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD WIN. 'ARE EORZEA THE BAD GUYS' NO. JUST MAKING SURE YOU UNDERSTAND, CRYSTAL CLEAR, THAT THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON."

Anyway by and large Stormblood has exactly as much subtlety as it needs and I appreciate the subtlety that is there. I appreciate that they decided to try to wean themselves off of killing women for no reason by killing a woman for some reason. Good work. Baby steps, FFXIV. Baby steps.

Anyway, remember that time Zenos attacked Rhalgr's Reach and we had no hope of winning and we fought him anyway because instead of watching him massacre people we decided to try to intervene because we're heroic and heroes take fights because they're the right thing to do, even if they lose? Don't worry, I'm sure that won't come up in a future segment of these reviews.

OVERALL, I think, Stormblood does a great job conveying its overall themes and playing to them - revolution does not come from an individual but only when everyone works together, even enemies that feel insurmountable are not invincible, even in fantasy setting equivalents Japan fucking hates foreigners and has a corrupt government, isolationism and neutrality are the same as collaboration with the winner of a conflict and "neutrality" is in essence a lie and an appeaser continues to be a man who feeds his fellows to an alligator hoping to be eaten last.

So anyway.

Stormblood is also the point where class gameplay hit its peak (DARK KNIGHT! ASTRO! MY BELOVED! COME BACK! PLEASE! COME BACK TO ME! I NEVER SPOKE LOUD ENOUGH ON YOUR BEHALF BEFORE! Give me back everything class gameplay was in stormblood my GOD) and also where encounter design really just completely fell to shit. It also might be one of only two points in the entire game where the mandated formula does not excessively hinder the MSQ.

Spoiler alert, the other time is probably the best expansion overall to date.

However, Stormblood is not perfect - it introduced the Ivalice raids whose impact on the setting and how much I FUCKING HATE it cannot be overstated. It also introduced the laziest raid series to date (Fuck it just throw in cameo characters with no real context beyond "a robot did it" and have cid and nero be gay at each other and call it good. It feels completely pointless to have a sidequest that TOTALLY is saving the world bro we swear it's just that it has zero impact on anything visibly. There's no giant robot you're stopping from climbing out of a lake, no giant shards of evil dragon prison or any real sense that you MUST give a shit about Omega to be honest with you. Anything good about this raid series is a retcon. Fight me.)

It's also where gameplay really hit the toilet with the worst dungeon design at the time, Omega ending the concept of Raids being anything more than glorified Trials, and the addition of jump potions meaning you get the dumbest motherfuckers in the world coming in complaining the game they don't want to play is too hard (as if there's any amount of ease you can bring to the game that will make those people happy. As if their opinion is worth more than a handful of sand applied directly to your unprotected eye.)

I also think it's important to note Stormblood came out not super long after Final Fantasy 15, a game where you go on a road trip to save the world with four identical prettyboy JPOP bandmates where it was made explicitly clear to us you couldn't possibly do that story with, GOD FORBID, the presence of a woman in the party, and then Stormblood is Alisaie and Lyse going on a road trip to save the world and it's glorious.

Also if your complaint about Stormblood is that you hate Lyse, but you DON'T recognize that everything bad about her is just describing Aymeric's character too and crow about how great you think Heavensward is all I can conclude is you prefer white bread yaoi elves to white bread jock women and I think that says a lot about you frankly.

Stormblood is a 7/10 MSQ and 6/10 on the gameplay front, carried entirely by the class gameplay despite dreadful encounter design. A lot of people say it was bad because after 5 years of playing the same video game it's kind of normal to get burnt out.

Wait, Stormblood had Eureka. Right.

4/10 on the gameplay front.

Shadowbringers:

Statistically speaking, odds are very high if you're playing FFXIV right now in the year of our lord 2024, your first expansion was Shadowbringers. Shadowbringers in many ways is extremely good. It's got phenomenal worldbuilding, excellent character writing, a marvelous plot, and is gorgeous. The concept of LITERALLY bringing back the night is baller as fuck and you're a fool if you disagree. You better believe I'm disappointed in how few Light Up The Night AMV-equivalents there are for Shadowbringers. (What do you call an AMV made with FFXIV cutscenes?)

It's also the first time we're REALLY the main character of the plot instead of someone who accompanies the main character of the plot. Don't worry, this won't come up again later, probably.

Shadowbringers story-wise is near flawless. Maybe if I really dig I can find nitpicks, but it's extremely tightly-written. The antagonists by and large avoid the trap of being one-note and all tie extremely well into the overarching themes: what do you do in the face of inevitability? Is it ever worth giving up? Is anyone truly strong enough to weather absolute despair? Is it possible to overcome impossibility completely alone? Does imperfection still have value? Is someone a furry if they have cat ears and want to fuck someone with a lion face?

Shadowbringers DOES begin one of the most annoying trends in the entire fanbase (X is shard of Y character!!!!!) but I forgive it for that because it's not like it demanded the fanbase do this they're just Like That.

Shadowbringers as an expansion has many flaws its MSQ doesn't have, though. For my money, the absolute worst part of anything gameplay-wise in the entire game is the final "pull" of Holminster Switch, and if anything ever is worse than that then this video game needs to be euthanized for the good of society. (Fortunately it's looking like that won't happen.) However, Shadowbringers has the worst 24-man and the worst trial series (probably; I didn't bother to do Endwalker's so idk). Sorry not sorry I don't care about Plot Device Van Baelsar's man-pain.

Eden gets a pass because it's gay, but its encounter design is a fucking embarrassment overall and I know most people didn't comment on that because they're so happy that square was able to tell the story of FF8 in a way that didn't suck ass like FF8 did while also correctly identifying it's made better by Ryne and Gaia being turbo gay together. And that's valid, but also, FUCK dude that gameplay sucked.

Hey remember how jobs used to have resources and depth? Shadowbringers was the death of that. Dropping TP was a disastrous decision. Destroying what little unique traits the healers had in Stormblood so that every one could be IDENTICAL henceforth (don't argue, it makes you look stupid to try to go into the minutiae of how ackshually AST and WHM have SO MANY DIFFERENCES!!! for instance, one has STAR particle effects when they heal and the other has GLOWY WATERY LIGHT particle effects) and AST cards could be COMPLETELY meaningless, DRK could have all gameplay depth removed, and zero jobs could have depth added. Dancer in Shadowbringers was pathetic, Gunbreaker was simpler than the simplest tank job in Stormblood but now the most complex tank job because they nerfed the complexity of EVERYTHING so fucking hard, and that is an unforgivable change. Shadowbringers was the point I completely switched over to "This game's story is good enough to justify suffering through the painfully mediocre/bad gameplay. Mostly."

Also I didn't bring it up earlier, but Shadowbringers has a fucking excellent soundtrack that's the pinnacle of FFXIV to date.

Story wise Shadowbringers is an 8.5/10 and gameplay-wise it is definitely a 4/10 but I need you to understand that the fact it's the source of everything that came after means it DESERVES to be the worst of them all in a sense.

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museenkuss · 2 years ago

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You know, I was talking about writing more erotica and such earlier today but just now I remembered that the most recent concept I turned around in my mind was a Gerda/Snow Queen inspired fragment — at least I think that was it, I was falling asleep but as I was contemplating this new concept, my old idea of Snow White & her Step Mother came back to mind and I think I should maybe rethink this whole plan.

#you know how I feel about AC@rson but at this point I might just be annoyed because it’s straight #because my ideas aren’t all that different #head in hands #I’d edit to clarify that I’m not writing about CHILDREN but I’m sure the people who read this post know that #it’s mostly the dynamic but again!!! we don’t need to clarify that! we know how this stuff works!!!!#I hate that we live in a time where we have to clarify how concepts like this work #but I’m not getting heated about it just now #I’m off to do something else #OMG NOT CAR.SON!!!!! C.ART.ER!!!! AHHHHHHHH #screaming yelling!!!!!!!

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urcharactersclasspect · 2 years ago

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do you have any musings on the light aspect? you mentioned at one point that people tend to misidentify its presence in their lives, and i feel like it would be an interesting subject to hear you talk about

- maybe an heir of light

This is VERY true. People might be light players, but often times they completely misread how Light works into what they might be.This is, of course, when we are discussing people who ACTUALLY care at all about thinking too deep into Andrew Hussies nonesense enough to wanna classpect themselves seriously for the fun of it like me or others.

I clarify that partially because there are obviously a lot of people who dont try to think too deep into classpects, just get the Light result on a test, and super commonly blanket themselves as Witches of Light or sometimes Sylphs, and it stops at them just liking Aranea or Jade in the comics and slapping their possible aspect on their titles. Theres nothing wrong with that, and people should have fun with classpects and titles and the concepts Homestuck brings to the table however they want to. really, what I have to say shouldnt inherently matter at all if this kind of thing doesnt suit your tastes.

However it should be acknowledged, still, that often times this is the case. this is also a reason my absolute least favourite classpect is Witch of Light in particular - Its very much the MOST popular classpect you will see around for Light players as a whole, whether it be for an oc/character classpecting or a person blanketing themselves as a Witch of Light as some sort of generic Default Light Aspect Haver classpect. You see it, a LOT, and this is acknowledging the fact I also have an OC with the classpect too. Its still an interesting classpect to mess with. So most people could definitely see the appeal of a Witch class, mixed with something like the Aspect of Light.

But its mostly how people see “manipulator of Light” Witch class, and think “i have light aspect, therefore i am manipulator of light aspect” without considering HOW they tend to manipulate the Light around them and what they are really “bent” towards structurally with the aspect in mind.

The biggest issue I think when getting deeper into it, is that, obviously - Most people think their outward interests are actually inherently tied to their classpect. Which I hate to sound like a broken record about this, but its just not true. Not every light player is going like the topic of Psychology and Cosmic Horror like Rose or even enjoy things like History & Theory Speculations like me, Classpects are based on the Archal Type system of how a persons “Story” goes and what “role” they play inside their own personal narratives and which directions they are most likely to pick for themselves and how they interact with a certain aspect that might cling to them as people. in a vague sense, Its how you walk and your reasoning for why you have walked a certain direction, not what food you like and how you enjoy the taste.

Classes are a skeleton structure of a persons character development into an Adult or where theyve gone in their story. This is a very complex way of thinking of it, because humans are complex. Boiling them down into only their interests or just “if you are nice and peppy enough, you are a heart player!” would be not only boring to mull over but it’s just generalizing human beings. Even Andrew Hussies characters have a lot more facets to them the more we learn about them outside a few cliff notes and a handful of their interests in the beginnings - thats for a reason. Its also why, while classpectors can give their 2 cents on a few things, and we can squint and try to squeeze things out of a few different traits, we will never be able to really figure out what your classpect is for you. As Homestuck itself, is, in the end, about kids growing up into adults through different choices and paths theyve taken, the different ways of living theyve had and then they start to see the results of that come alive around them, and even how they effect other people.

An aspect on the other hand, is an aspect in your life thats stronger than the rest of them. Which can be pin pointed a bit easier, sometimes. Which one becomes easier or harder kinda depends on the person in question. Theres lots of variables to this, in the end you will always have only one aspect that trully matches up to you; on the other hand, we have theories of how people can Invert into the oppositional aspect or class, they can mimic and try to “roleplay” another persons class (Vriska does this, Rose does this, Tavros tries and failes to do this) and we also have the fact someone else can rub off on us, causing further confusion as sometimes somebody elses aspect sync can be so strong it masks our own real selves’, overshadowing us. The key thing is, even with real people, there WILL be commonality between someone who shares a full Classpect and the reality is - there are a few general genres of interests that certain people drift towards; With LIght players its blantantly Knowledging seeking and obsession with things of the grandiose; Things like dark Gods or a life as a member of a pirate crew. There will be. and there often times, almost terrifyingly so, are a lot you will probably have in common with someone with your inversion classpect and the same classpect as you as well. There is bound to be common ground. Whether it be experiences, choices youve both made, and sometimes, yes, This means you might share the same interests, but it also means you might have some common ground in how you act more as a whole, how you get A to point B inside your head through subconscious means, and certain choices in your life too that arent all that dissimilar even if there’s still some fracturing as you are still, of course, two separate individuals. Because thats the Character Arch typing root; how commonly some people tend to behave or form into the arch types in question. Similarity and commonality in a story that can be compared and be close to something else that exists but still be something unique in its own contexts. its how you get terms like “herculean story” and the like. Theres commonality in many things between certain kinds of people and how they go about things.

Im being a little vague in some ways - And thats because I dont really specialize in Classpecting real people. Its not particularly the point of the blog. But I obviously deep dive into all this hooplah enough to get opinions on if I think someones godtier appears accurate enough or not (this mostly with those that ask me in private, or people who im actually friends with who i could even give a genuine opinion on)

But the main issue is people boiling themselves down to just small amount of traits they have, or counting exclusively their own interests into certain things, and then deciding thats all there is.

The aspect of light can be kinda tricky, so I dont exactly blame anyone who has difficulty deciphering what the fuck they could be even if they know they are a Light player, and they for sure seem the part at that. I personally went from Maid of Blood > Sylph of Breath > Knight of Space > Maid of Mind > Thief of Heart > Mage of Mind > (almost) Knight of Life > Mage of Light. Trust me, the classpect identity crisis is real. and part of my own was frankly me just hating the light aspect cause Vriska was my least favourite character at the time, even tho Light aspect has always unsettlingly fit me too well no matter which description of the aspect I read. I kinda just tried my damnest to get out of it.Same with mage, I for some reason had this weird distaste for the mage class for no reason at all for the longest time, likely because I knew it was actually painfully fitting given what I had read and I didnt like the call out.

The light aspect is exactly what it says on Andrew Hussies Extended Zodiac Quiz. I hate to say it (not really) but the description of a Light player is me to a T as a person, generally speaking and once this quiz came out I was just straight up called out on it (i was sent the whole description and told its me by several people lol, take with that what you will). While interests themselves can be whatever - one thing every single light player shares is the desire to Discover. They WILL love knowledge for knowledges sake, they will be fussy on the details of things that interest them. Thats stuff thats a given. Our propensity for knowledge is true. So are the facts that most light players probably will be the types of people to chose the least popular “moral” or socially acceptable thing, to possibly get the route they want for the results they might want, making us look self centered or eccentric to most around us.

They might not always be popular, but the things they do tend to get or be to get the results they want when they are pushing for it, as they tend to be correct in their hindsight of what might produce these results. These results are usually knowledge based, or to “get the best outcome possible” in whatever situation they are in. But in a more specific manner I always have some trouble coming up with words to really describe it with.

Its Fortune, Knowledge, Discovery - self awareness, situational awareness of things, Hindsight that others around you might not have, or noticing the little things people miss to point A to point B. Its how bad luck and good luck play into your life.Its literal light, its enlightenment, becoming knowledgeable, etc.

what relationship do you have with Luck? Good? Bad? Do you believe in Myths and such? Like if you walk passed a black cat, do you believe somethings really going to happen to you? do you look at the cat with indifference? Do you air on both sides and take it with caution but say you dont really believe in it, but would “rather be on the safe side” or secretly worry about it inside your own head, but walk passed it anyways? Do you do this about Fae circles/Mushroom rings? Would you take the Fae memes to heart and/or be the type to say “i wouldnt fuck with that real or not”? Would break mirrors on purpose to fuck around and find out? Have you ever broken a mirror, and actually did get a streak of horrible luck thinking nothing of it at first, but now your paranoid of everything superstitious? Theres a lot more questions outside the topic of superstitious beliefs I could ask, but, how you answer things like this, as just an example, can put a more simplistic aim towards what category of class you might have as a light player.

How do these things - The aspects general focus of knowledge seeking, Fortune and misfortune, Awareness, even literal Light or the sun, having attention or spotlight on you in some fashion - play a part into your life? How does it effect the things youve done? your choices? your interests? your thoughts? Your beliefs on folktales or the like? How has Light, impacted you? How much of these focused on things seem to appear or be an occuring theme in your life and how youve grown up? Do you feel a solid connection to the obtuse and figuring things out? thinking abstractly? Or would you rather keep things obtuse and a mystery? Have you ever been on a metaphorical or literal stage for others to watch and criticize you? What part of your life thats influenced how you are now, was surrounded by these themes? when it comes to the types of attention youve been given, would say thats large part of why youd make a choice? Attention, the spotlight? - a result of treasure or a reward you wanted? Have you always breezed through things, being weirdly lucky, but never really noticed till something has jarred you out of it? Do these effects seem to weirdly always rub off on others?

For me, as a Mage, while not special for others when generalizing like this, has always been a mixed bag. Im very conflicted about the spotlight no matter how little of it that i receive, Ive been metaphorically burned before and I easily lose my spoons to be in front of others, and completely isolated myself as a result in the past. Its why this blog is pretty crazy to even have as a Mage of Light, no matter how inactive it gets sometimes cause im focusing on other things. The spotlight is not my natural forte by any means, you could say, but at the same time I crave the attention on the good things Ive done, or something Ive created to have the spotlight. I want success in my endevours and I keep trying. I have a lot of goals to accomplish. LIke comics, to help produce art for a game, to have my concept sketches used for something big some day. Maybe do something with all these ocs I have. But Im also deeply anxious about too much attention at the same time and its stopped me more times than I can count from ever putting the really big things just out there no matter how bad or good the ideas are, Im also talking both good and bad attention, as they are both very overwhelming to me personally, and you can see how that can be a massive problem that conflicts quite a lot with goals like those.

You need to allow the spotlight to be placed on you for better or for worse if you actually wanna do something big. “You need to try in order to succeed”. You have to just push stuff out sometimes to ever get anywhere, otherwise they are all just drawings and ideas in your head and dont exist.

Theres more reasons than that, obviously, that Mage of Light fits me personally. Theres small things too, things that if you were to look up Mage of Light you could easily see on the descriptions people tend to give - My eyes sensitivity to sunlight, my displeasure at getting my photos taken by others ive had since I was kid, the fact Im paranoid about sunburns even if I rarely get them ever, even my sensory issues adding hyper awareness to things im experiecing or touching, noticing things others might miss often or a lot actually, and my absolute sometimes unhealthy hyperfixations / hyper focus/attention on certain things because of my autism could be a pinpointer for me. Along with the negative unwanted attention you get, whenever your behavior or attitude is outside the “norm”. Theres bunches more, some being even more personal I wont be putting here. But how Ive classpected myself is through a fuckton of self reflection on where these themes of the aspect seem to bend around me and my life.And while this all seems very extra, to me, its just done for fun because i AM extra and like thinking hard about these sorts of things, as is my nature to just do so.

As a mage, this means a lot of mixed signals and a lot more negative attention thats screwed me over that ive had to learn from, or a lot of situations where Id have to reconsider how I went about handling the attention Ive received in a way thats more managable for me for the future. I am, however, a pretty “stereotypical” example of what people think Light players are. By far the funniest comment is still being tiold my classoect is “Rose Lalonde, but more depressed”. Admittedly Im pretty default mode, so im not exactly the best choice of example for how each light player can still be “unique” past some commonality or outside the cookie cutter molds most people use for them. But its the best one Ive got for the sake of this topic as I only know myself and what brought me to my own conclusions.

Witches tend to invert, they think they know best about things, and they will pretend to be the opposite of the classpect in order to get what they want or before they are given full access to their Aspect. Jade Harley inverts into a Seer of Time BIG TIME, and its barely discussed in classpecting in my opinion. Witch of Light for instance, for a good portion of their lives could act like a Seer of Void, believing in anti supertitious things or having the mentality of someone who disapproves of thinking of beyond what they see as a blank slate of reality, keeping things at a stand still or “inside the void”. Maybe they have, heaven forbid, a history of certain things like Roxy or Equius do, maybe being ignorant at one point and extremely stubborn with some less than savory beliefs,“I know this thing, so no other variables are real unless I agree”, maybe being elitist or substances played some part in their lives where they intentionally blinded themselves from the truth or decided to stay ignorant until something pushed them out of it.

Heirs are the types to breeze through their aspects and let it lead them on, sometimes without noticing until later. Maybe their the types to have a really really strange amount of luck in really weird ways, and they really never noticed it till some friends pointed it out. Something like “they got struck by lightning....but they survived and won the lottery” cause the reason they were struck by lightening is cause they were somewhere they shouldn't have been during a storm that they dismissed as nothing and had picked up a random ticket on the floor. (could take this metaphorical for various situations, or literal! heirs are weird) Heirs are the opposite of a mage. So there's even less I could say about this one. It gets a bit weird when you're talking about your own inversion with the context of your actual aspect.

Theres a million different ways beyond these.

And so much you can look at for commonality, but obviously I wouldnt realistically be able to go off on EVERY SINGLE thing Ive noticed about certain types of people with these classpects or titles- Thatd be sheer insanity, and Ive already made an essay instead of just giving some musings.But you can see how someone might misinterpret even their own way these sorts of things can be bent for which.

#incoherent rambles #light aspect #classpecting #Classpect Analysis #long ass post #i am warning you all #i am so sorry oh my god

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phoenixyfriend · 4 years ago

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Time Travel ft. Leia and Vader

(Helped by @atagotiak)

I was reading a bunch of different time travel fics, and my brain slotted in that one "Vader hands over the Empire to Leia and is now her most devoted sycophant" dynamic and mixed it with the "Luke and Vader time-travel and Vader does the right thing but only because it would make Luke sad if he didn't."

I landed on "Leia time travels to prequels era, but her least favorite family member has also traveled with her, though it takes him a few months to find her because he has less resources without the entire Imperial Navy, but he's still a scary Sith in all black with a breathing mask and intimidating cape."

"Tiny angry lady who wants to force democracy and her giant Sith father whom she hates but has resigned herself to pointing at threats like a tank who inexplicably loves her" is a delightful dynamic.

The first few months included a lot of concern about "why do you know so much about Sith if you're not trained or looking to be one" and then Vader shows up and calls her 'daughter' and she insults him and it's like "Oh. That explains it."

Council Member: We have a Sith in the Temple. Vader: Former Sith. Leia: Listen. He is your best chance against Sidious. Also, do you want Dooku dead? Vader can make him dead. Council Member: Your father i-- Leia, scrunching up her face: Don't call him that.

Like Leia is deep in conversation when the Temple starts panicking because Vader just. Showed up? He snuck in, somehow? So Palpatine wouldn't catch him on video entering through the front door? And people try to keep her away from the trouble, because there's an entire array of Jedi Masters to deal with this Surprise Sith, except she can sense exactly which Sith it is and once she shouts "oh you have got to be kidding me!" she just starts running and, well, it's Leia. Nobody can stop her.

(Leia does have less combat training, at least less force-assisted combat training, than the Jedi. But then the Jedi don’t want to hurt here here. She's not fighting her way down, either, she's just running really fast and all the best fighters already left. They had a head start. So Leia's mostly running past random padawans and the like.)

She shoves her way to the front of the group of Masters who. Well, they're certainly ready to attack. But Vader is just standing there. Doing nothing. Still intimidating as fuck but he's not doing anything.

And then Leia bursts onto the scene like "You motherfucker."

She hits her head on a clipboard and whines because UGH he's a walking WMD and they could REALLY use him against Palpatine but also. She hates him so much.

She tries to hand him off to the Jedi council but he insists that he will only take orders from Leia herself.

Jedi: Wait, what. Leia, completely ignoring them: Did you follow me here? Vader, through the mechanical wheezing: I have no loyalty to my master and no empire to serve. You are all that I have left. Leia: Me? Me? I'm all that you have left? You committed a genocide that killed all the family I had except for the twin brother you later mutilated! Jedi: Wait what Vader, going to one knee: I pledge my loyalty and blade to you and only you, daughter. Leia, ready to explode: I. I just. Jedi, some of whom really want to say things but are slowly realizing that they just accidentally acquired a Sith Lord by proxy: What. Leia: I hate you so much but I can't even get rid of you, you're too useful. Vader: I live to serve. Leia: Yeah. Got that. Fuck. Someone get him a full medical rundown, I don't know the last time that mess of a life support system was updated. Jedi, agitated again: WHAT Leia: Listen, I don't like him, but I'm not stupid enough to throw away the second most dangerous person in the universe when I can point him at the most dangerous person in the universe. Especially not if he's going to listen to me. Jedi: But... he's a Sith. Leia: Please trust me when I say this: you might be able to take him down eventually, but he will take dozens of you down with him, and right now he's... honestly, I'm pretty sure he's more depressed than malicious. Jedi: You hate him. I can feel it. Leia: Yes, but I can be professional about it. Vader: They have not yet d-- Leia: Nope! No talking! Not until I've had a chance to process this mess!

There is a whole lot of Leia snapping at Vader to stop it whenever he starts giving off vibes like he wants to take the most violent shortcut possible.

She is not the gentle hand that Luke would be.

Leia isn't a Jedi or working for them but she's wormed her way into being an ally. They don't 100% trust her, especially not with Vader just showing up and declaring her family but like

How do you say no to a WMD walking into your house and saying "I will fight the monster you cower from at night."

There's a lot of Leia snapping off an admonishment that sounds just a little too odd and then when questioned she just says "He knows what he did."

tbh I'm not sure how long it takes for them to tell anyone that Anakin is Vader. They might hold it off in hopes that Anakin can just retire to be Mr. Amidala after the war is over.

Well, Leia hopes. Vader just lets Leia make that call and then glowers at his younger self every time they're in the same room.

I do feel like Leia tells Obi-Wan the truth first

Imagine. Imagine a Vader who’s past still isn’t known. But has gotten somewhat comfortable around the Jedi (not really but the bar for what counts and comfortable for him is low). And Obi-Wan habitually banters with darksiders, right? If Vader’s guard is down for a moment and he, without thinking, references an inside joke...

Might be the most fun in terms of ways to tell Obi-Wan "We're time travelers and Vader is what happens if you let Palpatine drive Anakin off the edge"

If Vader has decided to pledge himself to her orders after destroying her planet, then fine. She can work with that. She's not going to be happy about it, but she can make it work.

The Jedi Temple hates having Vader anywhere nearby but he is actually very good at hiding himself from people, including Palpatine And for all that Leia seems perpetually irritated with her apparent bodyguard, he does seem to listen to her.

Jedi council: We still haven't figured out how to handle Dooku Leia: Do you know his location? Jedi council: Yes. Leia: [sigh] Leia: Vader, deal with it. Alive if possible.

(Leia does need to clarify an acceptable level of violence against the people protecting Dooku.) (She needs to clarify... many things.)

Leia always says "Vader" and one time a poor fool just asks why she doesn't call him dad and she snarls out "He is not the man that raised me, and I am glad for it."

Someone less foolish later prods more compassionately and she lets them know she was adopted and didn't properly meet Vader except in passing until she was nineteen.

"And then he tortured you." "And then he tortured me, yes." "Damn." "Didn't even find out we were related until a few years later when he chopped my brother's arm off." "You... wow." "I know."

At least one exchange that is L: You mean when you tortured me? A: He did what. V: I was not aware of our relation at that time. L: Not the point! I am fully aware of your interrogation methods and I refuse to let you be the one to acquire the evidence for-- A: Wait no go back he tortured you? L: Move on, please, we already have. A: That means I'm... oh Force, I'm going to torture my own daughter what in the actual fu-- L: We're moving on.

(“I end up torturing my own daughter” If Leia’s feeling especially spiteful I can see her saying “you mutilate your own son too”)

Concept: Leia is very free with traumatizing details of her past re:Vader and Anakin thinks that it sucks but doesn’t think much of it bc Sith. And then some time later he finds out...

(I love characters who use the traumatizing details of their past to shut down conversations.)

It's such a wonderfully horrifying concept for him to try to awkwardly comfort this girl he kind of knows because having a Sith for a dad sounds like it would suck and Leia seems nice, even if she's kind of weird and uncomfortable around Anakin, but he saw her flinch around a few other tall people wearing black robes the way she stiffens around Vader so maybe it's just that!

It is not.

Vader does get a significant amount of medical treatment. Including a bunch of "holy shit, that's a lot of drugs" and similar. There is so much lightning damage.

hnnng I'm just really in love with the image of Tiny Tiny Leia sitting behind a desk for some fancy negotiation, the picture of professionalism, while Vader just stands behind her shoulder, looming, glaring expressionless death at whoever came to speak with his baby girl.

Not that he would call her that, because she'd just hate him more and he's really not sure how to fix that problem, other than doing whatever she asks with no complaints and hoping she appreciates it.

Vader: [looks at children wandering by, has complicated emotions] Leia, tired of his shit: What now? Vader: I killed them, once. Leia, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath: And you're not going to do that again. No killing children. Vader: I know that. Leia: Great. I am... regretting asking. I am so very much regretting asking.

I do really like the idea of someone asking Leia once if she wants Jedi training and she says, no, actually, she's fully aware of the fact that she's angry little ball of hate sometimes, especially towards her bio father, and she'd like to refrain from putting herself in a position where she knows enough about the Force to Fall. She wouldn't Fall. But it does make people shut up.

#leia organa #princess leia #Darth Vader #Anakin Skywalker #obi wan kenobi #star wars #time travel #Phoenix Posts

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ac3id · 5 years ago

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“watch and learn,” | 18+

pairings: incel sakusa x fem!reader x ushijima

summary: sakusa gets tired of watching you take advantage of his friend, so he takes matters into his own hands to teach you a lesson. fortunately for him, ushijima feels the same

warnings: noncon, humiliation, voyeurism, anal, hate fucking.

a/n: this was high-key inspired by @vermiliren ‘s sakusa and ushijima concepts,,, love you <3

wordcount.: 4k+

tagging: @minitaureland, @oikawoahh, @lady-tokugawa-of-mikawa, @sunshine-fangs

dm to be added/ removed!

Sakusa has a problem.

Well, Sakusa has many problems, but this one in particular manages to drive him crazy.

It makes his blood boil and his cock hard, it’s an irritating itch he just can’t scratch which makes him absolutely mad.

One could say such a problem must be nerve-wracking; something which keeps you up all night wondering how you can overcome it. Maybe it’s family, maybe it’s financial. It must be a big deal, right? But luckily for Sakusa, it’s just you.

His problem is you, his teammate’s girlfriend.

It’s weird. Technically, there should be no reason for him to think of his teammate’s girlfriend as anything but just as another girl but his heart tells him another story.

Whenever he thinks of you, he either imagines punching your beautiful face until it’s stained with wine red blood or shoving his cock down all of your holes which he hears you cry in agony. He imagines filling you up with his cum, clearing you of all your filth. There’s really no in-between, but sometimes he imagines doing it both...in the same order.

But hey! Sakusa is a good guy, he would never do such a thing! He respects women and most certainly he respects you. He obviously doesn’t think you’re a whore or anything for talking to a guy who isn’t your boyfriend, Ushijima. But gosh, even you notch it up a lot.

He rarely ever sees you, only when you arrive at bars uninvited with Ushijima or when you come down to the volleyball tournaments for Ushijima or when you wait for Ushijima while he practices in the stadium or….. When you go down to the grocery store where he just happens to be….multiple times.

Maybe you’re getting food for Ushijima, but he’s sure his teammate’s not going to eat half the junk you buy. Ushijima has a body to maintain, his health is very important to him. All of that fast food is not going to work him any favors.

Don’t you cook for him? You know, like a woman should?

You see, Sakusa is a little old fashioned. He likes tradition and sincerely pesters everyone to follow it. So it’s not a big surprise when he expects the same from you or any female in general. In the past, he’s been called an incel; a man who hates women was it? But that’s definitely not him. He loves them. Especially when they are naked on his computer screen, getting pinned down by a man two sizes bigger than themselves.

Sometimes he imagines you and Ushijma in their place and way more often, he imagines him with you over there instead.

So, see? He doesn’t women. He loves them! But… some women get on his nerves.

Some women like you.

He would never admit this, but Sakusa follows you around only because he does not trust you for Ushijima. Even when Ushi’s around, you flirt with other men while he’s sitting right next to you with his arms wrapped around your shoulder. It gets worse when he is away.

He can always hear you make suggestive comments to the cute cashier in the store while he lurks away. He’s disgusted. He can’t understand why Ushijima still chooses to stay with you.

He’s dating a whore, you don’t care about him- you’re just having your fun. You’ll leave him once it gets over, you don’t like him. But you still have him entranced, so madly in love with you. Sukasa think-no, he knows it’s only because you’re good in bed. There’s no other reason for him to keep you around for so long, being a slut you probably know how to make a man feel good.

Sakusa understands that but it still bothers him. Like a good friend he is, he decides to tell Ushijima about you. It starts in the locker room after practice. Both of them stand together changing out of their sports gear, it was a tiring day, and the two men were tired. He’s surprised when Ushijima starts the conversation, midday through changing his shirt, he starts.

“So, what do you think of her?” Sakusa knows who he is talking about, you had come into the stadium that day to watch Ushijima practice, and he had spent the better half of his time glaring daggers and staring at you. Sakusa says your name cluelessly, “Yes, her.” Ushijima replies.

Sakusa clicks his tongue, “I think-” “Cut the bullshit, you’re fucking her aren’t you?”

Ushijima turns to him, his eyes dark and fatal. A frown rests on his face with his fists balled as if to throw a punch. Sakusa panics, not understanding why such an accusation could fall over his head.

“No- I- that’s not true!” he clarifies but Ushijima looks unmoved, “Then why the fuck do you keep looking at her?” the murderous glint in his eyes doesn’t disappear as he just gets angrier. A newfound fear forms within Sakusa, he had always respected Ushijima as a player and a man, he sure as hell didn’t want to start a fight with the green-haired man. He spills everything he knows, everything he’s seen.

The night when he spotted you kissing Atsumu, the relentless flirting, everything. It’s brutal, it breaks Ushijima’s heart but a necessary evil. He watches Ushijima’s spirit break when his eyes turn blank. He stares motionlessly on the floor, thinking. Sakusa feels the rage return, he’s so mad at you- how could you do this to anyone? All of you are the same, all women are the same but….but you are the worst!

Sakusa waits for a moment before speaking, “You can’t let her get away with this,” he starts. Ushijima looks up at him, listening diligently to his plan. “You should take revenge, don’t let her get away with this.” Revenge?

Ushijima’s eyes lit up at the word, many thoughts came into his mind when Sakusa said it. Revenge? Should he also kiss any of your friends behind your back? Should he be cold towards you? The idea of making you realize just how much you hurt him by lettering you experience the pain excited him. He loved you, he did but sometimes drastic measures have to be taken. “What should I do?” he asked impatiently, he wanted to find a way to fix his deteriorating relationship.

Sakusa pauses, his mind racing back to the many porn clips he has fapped to before and settling on which the big boyfriend destroys his little girlfriend’s pussy for cheating on him. “I’ll send a video.”

Later that night Ushijima receives a link from Sakusa, titled ‘boyfriend punishes girlfriend for cheating.’

“Wakatoshi?” you bask in confusion at the man standing next to your boyfriend at the front door. It was late at night and you were almost going to bed. Ushijima had texted you telling he’d be home late that night but you had managed to catch him just in time. You were not expecting his teammate to come along with him, though.

It was awkward, dressed only in some sleep shorts and Ushijima welcoming Sakusa in the house was weird. He never seemed to take his eyes off of you, you were genuinely creeped out. You let the two men talk in the living room while you headed to the kitchen to prepare them a little snack. They said they had already eaten but umm...hospitality? It was fine to both of them, they liked you better in the kitchen anyway.

“Have you tried a threesome before?” Sakusa asked, taking a seat. It was finally the day Ushijima was going to man up and teach you a lesson which you’d never forget. “No, I don’t like to share,” he replied. Sakusa nodded, “understandable.” they stood quiet for a second only for your humming to fill the room. Even though you were in the kitchen, your sweet melody still ringed till the other room. Ushijima threw Sakusa a knowing glance before he made his way to the kitchen to see you. Heading over next to you, he sized down your form.

Ushijima took a step forward, trapping you between the kitchen counter and his huge body. You bring your hands to his chest, keeping him at a distance from you and just feeling his warmth under your palms. You did this often, it wasn’t anything sexual. You just enjoyed feeling him under your fingertips.

“So, what’s his deal?” you ask, your voice low not to alert Sakusa sitting in the living room. It was late, very late. There was no reason for Ushijima to bring a friend over now, but if Sakusa needed a place to spend the night- that was a different story.

“He will go in sometime,” Ushijima answered back, his huge, warm palms caressing your cheeks. You lean into the touch as he looks down at you affectionately with pure innocent eyes until he can’t. The spell you have him under breaks and he remembers why Sakusa is here.

His thumb trails down to your lips, pushing against the soft and pillow-like features. You look at him in confusion, Surprised by his bold actions. Ushijima was a private person, seeing him act so suggestively while another man sat right in the next room shocked you...but you liked it.

You obediently open your mouth letting his digits enter your hot carven. A tingle of a dull, throbbing pull settles on your tongue as you frown. Looking up at Ushijima through your lashes, you watch him glare at you while he pinches your tongue between his two fingers.

You whine out, there was no lie that you like it rough but the unsettling expression on Ushijima's face frightened you.

“Do you remember the last time we went out for drinks with the team?” your eyes widened and your blood ran cold, you knew exactly what he was getting at. “Nod your fucking head, bitch.” his pinch grew tighter making you squeal harder and you hastily nodded. You heard footsteps ring as Sakusa appeared into the room. Turning your eyes to his immediately, asking him for assistance. You hope to see a reaction out of Sakusa, disgust at most- he’d tell you both to cut it out but Sakusa stood still with an unreadable expression. Was he not going to say anything?

Ushijima caught your attention back by pinching your tongue hard, once again. drool pooled in your mouth, slowly leaking past your lips. It was disgusting.

“That night, did you kiss Atsumu?”

He knew. This is why he was doing this, you could understand that, but why was Sakusa just watching?

Your gaze lowered to the floor and Ushijima let his fingers leave you, letting you talk. You kept your head down as you spoke. it was too heartbreaking, you knew you should have told Ushijima but for some reason you never did. you were sacred Ushijima would leave you.

“That night, Atsumu came onto me…. when you left me with him that day, he kissed me- I didn’t want him to..he just…” shaky breaths leave your lips as you recall the dreadful incident. Atsumu was drunk that night, he wasn’t thinking straight. He apologized to you sincerely the next day but the damage was done. you could still feel his uninvited touches roaming all over your body when he tried to grope you.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Ushijima turned to sakusa, the glare which was burning you now directed at him. Ushijima was furious at sakusa for accusing you but sakusa knew what he saw. he frowned at you, he remembers seeing you kissing the blonde back- you’re just lying now, trying to get out of this mess.

“She’s lying, I knew what I saw. don’t trust her,”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Who do you think you are?”

You scream at him with angry, glassy eyes immediately turning to Ushijima and begging him to not believe the dark-haired man. Sakusa watches you with calculating eyes, revising his next move. He knows he’s not going to let you go so easily, there’s only one reason he’s here tonight. And that’s to put a whore in her place, he’s not leaving until he gets a taste of you.

He starts again, “don’t listen to her, Ushijima. listen to me, I have no reason to lie to you I’m your friend.” He chooses his words carefully to manipulate Ushijima into siding with him.

Ushijima stares at you for a second before grabbing your wrist harshly, “it’ll be okay,” he whispers your name, pulling you along with him. you scream at him, trying to pull your hand out of his grasp as he thrusts your forward.

“Toshi’ stop. seriously, no. stop,” you cry and beg but he shows no mercy. He pulls you into your shared bedroom, throwing you on your shared bed. Sakusa quietly follows, locking the door behind him as he enters. “What should I do now?” Ushijima turns to sakusa who stands next to the door, his eyes run towards you and he watches you cowering on the bed. You curl yourself up, pushing your knees to your chest and burying your head in between. You sit at the edge of the bed, far away from the two men quiring in fear and dread. Sakusa had thought you’d be putting up more of a fight but seems like you knew your place. Besides there was no way you’d manage to win against the two giants, they’d crush you even before you can try.

“Do you not remember the video?” Sakusa asks, pulling his phone out of his pocket and opening a porn site. He clicks on the video he had forwarded to Ushijima, the video starts normally; a man talking to his supposed girlfriend but he skips the clip forward to the part he wants to see.

“You seriously want me to do that to her?” Ushijima asks, frowning at the screen. The porn actress is bent over the actor’s lap as he showers her bottom with powerful slaps. Blistering her ass and making her cry.

Sakusa nods. Ushijima looks bad at your quivering form before whispering, “like a child?”

Truth to be told, Sakusa knew Ushijima was a softie and that he cared about your feelings. That was the difference between him and the ace. He loved you and he loved you a little too much, you were the first thing swimming in his mind and it may be defined by some as romantic, Sakusa thought differently.

The thought disgusted him, caring so much about a mere woman; the man has to be crazy. Don’t get it wrong, Sakusa loves women so much he’s cornering you like this but he also firmly believes that women have duties. And by what he can see between you and Ushijima, you’re not fulfilling them at all and Ushijima is too much of a pussy to make you fix your mistakes.

He’s just helping his bro out. xx

Sakusa doesn’t answer him, instead, he looks at him with a fixed glare. Ushijima clicks his tongue, he didn’t want to hit his girlfriend like a child but he didn’t want to disrespect his friend either. He thinks for a moment before turning to you, making up his mind he chooses to spank you. A small smile of satisfaction crosses on Sakusa’s face as he watched Ushijima approach you.

His knee dips down on the bed as he moves forward to get you, “Toshi’ please, I will never, never talk to any guy ever again. You don’t need to do this.” you beg. Your eyes are glassy and your face is flushed from crying. You look up at your boyfriend with pleading eyes, hoping he’d listen to you. Ushijima stops in his tracks, hesitating to get you. He thinks about, maybe he should let you-

“Ushijima.”

Sakusa’s stern voice pulls him back to reality, he clicks his tongue and grabs you by your arm pulling you with him to the opposite edge of the bed. You keep crying and begging but Ushijima doesn’t bat an eye as he pulls you over his lap. He presses his hand against your back to keep you from running away while the other paws at your sleeping shorts.

“Stop screaming,” Sakusa commands, but you never listen to him. “Is this okay?” Ushijima flashes Sakusa a perfect view of your naked ass, your panties, and discarded on the floor. Sakusa walks over, standing in front of Ushijima, he leans in to grab a handful of your ass but Ushijima pushes his hand away. “No touching,” he commands.

As if they put salt on the wound, Ushijima moves along to fondle your ass. Playing with the soft flesh, squeezing them, spreading them all to his liking. A small smile grazes his face and for the first time, he realizes how much smaller you are compared to him. It makes him feel mighty, he loves the power he holds over you right now. The thoughts about what he can do to you flow straight to his cock. You feel his ever-growing bulge poke at your stomach under his pants.

Sakusa picks up your panties from the floor and right over in front of you, he grabs your face with his hands, squishing cheeks before shoving the panties into your mouth shutting you up once and for all. Ushijima throws him a glare but decides to ignore it eventually. His hands roam over your back one last time before he brings it up into the air and slams it down onto your round ass swiftly.

You cry out in pain, your bare ass stinging and burning. You hope for your boyfriend to calm down but he doesn’t give you a break, repeatedly hitting your ass with no sign of mercy. You cry and wither around, mumbling words that get muffled behind the gag making it impossible for any of them to understand.

Sakusa patiently watches the scene in front of him, you’re crying in pain while Ushijima spanks you. It’s kind of like the scenes he always fantasized about, the only difference being it’s him who’s raining down slaps on your naked ass instead of Ushijima.

“You’re doing it wrong.”

“What?”

Sakusa wants to touch you, he wants to feel you under him. He’s not going to let himself watch you both doing it all night while he stands at the side with a raging boner and besides, Ushijima wasn’t hitting you hard enough. He pauses, looking up at Sakusa and you sigh in relief.

“You’re hitting her hard enough, at this rate she’ll never fear you,” he taunts and you frown. Your ass was already painfully red and swollen, you couldn't imagine how much longer you’d last.

In a flash, Ushijima pulled you on your feet, holding you by your arm. “You do it. I’m not enjoying this,” Sakusa’s eyes light up and he holds his urge to smile, he does not want to out himself.

“Watch and learn,”

He quietly walks over and changes roles, you squirm in his grip shaking your head no. You did not want to left under Sakusa’s touch at all, you had a feeling he hated you- which he did. He pulled you over his thighs where you could feeling his raging boner hit your stomach and just like Ushijima he started slapping your ass swiftly faster and much harder than your boyfriend.

They come without any warnings one after the other. You feel yourself tapping out now and then but a swift, harsh pull to your hair did just fine in waking you back into the nightmare. After Sakusa was done with abusing your ass, he started rubbing and playing with you. He squeezed your cheeks making you wince, spreading it open staring at your pulsing hole. His fingers even slipped down lower, dangerously close to your cunt.

“Sakusa,” Ushijima’s heavy voice cut through and Sakusa immediately lifted his hands off you. He pushed you down on the bed and removed the panties he had stuffed into your mouth. You coughed, your throat hoarse and your body exhausted.

Your bottom was numb, you could not feel a thing and your body was on fire. Ushijima called out to you, caressing your cheek. “Are you okay?” Ushijima felt bad. In all honesty, he did not want to hurt you but hearing the things Sakusa had said to him about you and what you did when he was not around made him feel like a small man, a man with no pride. It bothered him so he listens to Sakusa. He seemed to know what he was doing but now he sat filled with regrets.

Sakusa slapped Ushijima’s hand away from your face, “She’s fine. We aren’t done yet.”

Sakusa pulled you closer to him and ripped your shirt off your body, squeezing your tits and rolling your hardened nipples between his fingers. Ushijima dragged you back to him, at this point both the men were using you like a rag doll, literally. “I’m fucking her pussy.” he declared. You whined as he made you sit down on the bed but quickly switched positions so that you were straddling his thigh. You could see the dent in his jeans propped up, begging to be released. “What? Am I supposed to take her ass? That’s gross.” “You can use her mouth too,”

That was even grosser, Sakusa wanted to fuck your pussy. No doubt he’d love to ruin your ass and your mouth but today he wanted your pussy. He opened his mouth to speak but was immediately speechless when he saw Ushijima making out with you. He kisses you so passionately, your lips molding together, his tongue going down your throat. For a moment it felt like he wasn’t going to rape you here and now. Hell, maybe you are even enjoying this.

He scoffs, unbuckling his belt he walks behind you, settling for your ass. He feels like a third wheel, watching Ushijima kiss you so lovingly; licking your neck and biting down your tits making you moan.

He lifts you, spreading your cheeks, presenting your gaping hole to Sakusa. “You can go first,” he offers. Your start squirming around once again trying to free yourself from him. “Please, Wakatoshi no it will hurt. Please don’t-” “Shut up, bitch” Sakusa comes behind you, his hands closing around your petit neck. He squeezes around the soft flesh, effectively shutting you up. Out of desperation, you look up at Ushijima with watery eyes only to see him glaring at Sakusa. He slaps away Sakusa’s hand away from your neck, “Careful, she’s not yours’ bro.” his voice is filled with sarcasm. Sakusa scoffs moving back, “is she yours though? Sucking up to every guy ever who gives her an ounce of attention? Hate break it to you but your girl’s a whore, dude.” Sakusa returns. Sitting in the room with a hard-on, they glare at each other. Co-operating with Ushijima was harder than Sakusa thought and Ushijima much more possessive than he seemed.

The longer he stared with Sakusa with murderous intentions, the more fragile his grip on you became. Once you spotted it was weak enough, you broke out of it made for a run.

‘Fuck!” Ushijima screamed and chased after you with Sakusa following. You don’t get far, they catch you in the corridor. Ushijima pushes you against the wall, his hand coming up to grab your jaw making you look at him. ‘One fucking thing [y/n]. I told you it’ll be over fucking soon, didn’t I?” he slaps your face once. “It’s all your fault anyway. If it weren’t for you whoring out there like a fucking slut you wouldn’t be in this situation.” he slaps you twice, ouch. You plead guilty, promising him you’d never do it again but after repeated denials, you change your request. You choke back sobs as you try to calm your uneven breathing, “You can do anything you want to me but...just not him, please.” you turn to Sakusa shaking like a leaf. You didn’t want that man to be near you, nevertheless, touch you.

Ushijima thinks for a moment, turning to Sakusa. He thinks long and hard before answering, “It will be okay.” he says before pushing you against Sakusa. He didn’t want to give you up but you know what they say...Bros before Hos. Sakusa catches you roughly and pins you against his chest. He wraps his arm around your waist, letting the other pulls his pants down and pull his throbbing cock out of his briefs. It stands tall, not as thick as Ushijima but he’s big. With the red tip leaking with pre, he gives it a pump.

“Hold her legs,” he commands. Ushijima walks up to the two of you with his huge cock out and leaking, he wastes no time in grabbing one of your legs and pushing it up.

He lines his tip with your dry hole, “that’s enough foreplay, now,” he slowly truths inside, breaching past your cute cunt, splitting you into two. A burning pain flashes through you, slowly getting replaced by pleasure. Your tight cunt sucks up around his cock, salivating as he hits deeper and deeper. Sakusa gets tired of watching as he pushes his tips past your rim making you scream out. The intrusion is weird and unfamiliar, the deeper he goes the more evident it becomes. Sakusa decides to show you some mercy when he flicks down your little clit, pulsing with need. All of a sudden you start withering with pleasure, completely forgetting about the compromising position you are in.

“Fuck.” Ushijima mutters, your moans a melody to his ears. “Fuckin whore likes this,” Sakusa wanted you to shut up, your moans were turning him off. Sakusa felt he was close. Your walls hugging him snuggly, trying to milk him for all he’s worth but he doesn’t want to give up yet. There's an unspoken competition between the two men; whoever can last longer and his pride won’t let him loose. He holds himself together for a little longer, hoping for Ushijima to come before him.

“Don’t cum inside,” the green-haired man commands. He is close, his thrusts hit sloppy and uneven. He bits down on your neck as he shoots his thick, white load into your womb cumming with a loud grunt. Sakusa follows soon after, his length twitching he pulls it out of you. He jerks his cock over and cums all over your back.

He lets go of you, and you fall onto Ushijima, your boyfriend's strong arms wrapping around you to steady you up. “You should leave,” he suggests. He pulls his dick back into his pants and walks to the door, throwing a glance behind his shoulder; he sees Ushi stripping out his shirt and dressing you with him. He scoffs and turns around, feeling disgusted he can’t wait to go back to his own home and take a fucking shower. Even though he finally gets what he had wanted, he can’t help but feel unsatisfied. It would have been much better if it was just him and you minus the possessive freak, maybe….he can come again when Ushijima is not around….What’s the worst which could possibly happen?

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totally-not-an-awkward-okapi · 4 years ago

Text

Every Generation X character ordered by how much weird contradictory facts are thrown out in the novel:

Jubilee

She’s 13 which I’m pretty sure was never the case before or after this story. EDIT: APPARENTLY THIS WAS CANON THE WHOLE TIME???

Angelo

Has a slight healing factor and takes less damage generally due to an instinctive response to develop extra skin before impact.

Monet

Worries whether or not she and everyone else have free will often enough for it to be the first worst nightmare that comes to mind.

Penance

Since this was written before the editorial team suggested the Monet/Penance Russian nesting doll Penance is written as a fully different character.

She’s really dense? Like, supernaturally dense.

She’s also described as not reflecting light which obviously isn’t completely true but is a wild concept.

Paige

Will not hesitate to do property damage. I love her.

Very excited about the prospect of almost being killed by a ghost.

A lot more like her modern characterization where she struggles with what identity lives under her skin.

Everett

The biggest nerd on the team. Like, take-off-from-school-to-see-the-historical-sites-of-Boston nerdy.

Doesn’t understand innuendos.

His powers not only work on human mutants, but also mutant plants. They briefly throw out the idea he can also sync with objects or that his synch goes both ways, allowing him to control the bodies of other mutants, but decide against both.

Jono

He’s Scottish and I keep accidentally mimicking the accent the audiobook narrator does for him.

In general his backstory is almost completely different. He’s known about his powers since he was 11 and has been pulling his body apart over that time. He’s been poorly homeschooled for several years because of this.

The damage he’s done over the years is way more severe, missing everything above the thighs and below his nose. They never clarify if he still has real hands or not.

He’s also generally way more talkative than usual which is probably just a product of translation.

Has a phobia of mouths and wetness. Do with this what you will.

Has a stupid metal cone he wears to fly which he hates more than life itself.

Writers throw around the idea that Chamber is way more powerful than he thinks but this one actually tries to qualify that and the answer is “Dude could time travel. Create life. Warp reality as we know it.” Kid literally does a Doctor Manhattan and pulls himself together after being blown up by a nuke (this book is wild). Being Jono he also immediately panics and blows himself up again but I need to tell people that actually happens.

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years ago

Note

genderbent wens, like the siblings and the head family?

ao3

“- and in one generation, they were all women, every single one of them!” Lao Nie laughed so hard he was very nearly hiccupping, but Lan Qiren supposed that was understandable on account of the other sect leader having consumed a truly unbearable amount of wine. Some of which was on his behalf – Lao Nie had been in a strange mood during the conference, especially excited, and had boisterously interjected himself into Jin Guangshan’s regular attempts to get Lan Qiren drunk by volunteering to take all his toasts for him – so Lan Qiren felt obligated to stay and keep him from making a nuisance of himself. “So be careful what you wish for, Jin-xiong!”

“Let go of me!” Jin Guangshan yelped, and really, getting squashed like that by Lao Nie tipping over onto him was exactly what he deserved. Only Jiang Fengmian was nice enough to try to help him, and all that accomplished was to get him pulled, laughing, into the drinking as well.

Possibly that had been his goal.

“That seems remarkably unlikely,” Wen Ruohan remarked. He, at least, was sitting properly, and had for once restrained himself during the festivities – he was friends of a sort with Jin Guangshan, which never seemed to go well for anyone else, but Lao Nie’s rowdiness had apparently severed that for the night. He looked sidelong at Lan Qiren. “Don’t you think, Sect Leader Lan?”

Lan Qiren could never figure out if Wen Ruohan meant for that term of address to be an insult or a compliment, and he was tired of trying.

“What is so unlikely?” he asked, having been paying more attention to Lao Nie’s stability than his words.

“An entire generation born as women,” Wen Ruohan said. He was playing with the cup of wine in his hands rather than drinking it. “Statistically possible, but highly improbable, given the size of the Nie sect.”

“Well, I assume he’s accounting for the misaligned,” Lan Qiren said, because Wen Ruohan wasn’t wrong – the Nie sect might be smaller than others, but it was still a Great Sect; it was very far from being small. “That would affect the numbers.”

“Misaligned?” Wen Ruohan echoed.

“A tradition among the Nie,” Lan Qiren explained, because it wasrather unusual. “They believe that the reincarnation cycle occasionally errs, with the soul of a woman ending up in a male body or a man in a woman – or I suppose neither and both, I’m not entirely certain about that one. At any rate, it’s not terribly common, but neither is it especially uncommon, so I suppose it’s possible –”

“Isn’t it a punishment?” Wen Ruohan interrupted.

Lan Qiren blinked at him, not understanding.

Wen Ruohan was looking down at his cup, which he had started to hold rather tightly – his knuckles were white, and it was only his especially good control over his cultivation that was keeping the cup from shattering. “The misalignment,” he clarified. “It’s said that those who commit sins in one life will be condemned in their next: reborn as an ant, or a chicken raised for slaughter. To be reborn into a body that does not fit you would surely seem to be along the same lines.”

“I suppose I see the argument,” Lan Qiren said, relieved that for once Wen Ruohan was in the mood for a theoretical discussion rather than causing trouble just to show that he had the power to do so without consequence. “I believe the Nie would argue in turn that being born as a thinking being capable of expressing oneself is sufficient basis to assume error rather than retribution – we’re all cultivators fighting the dictates of fate, after all. If one can seek immortality against all heavenly restrictions, then seeking to be recognized in the manner of your soul rather than your body would appear to be a much smaller issue.”

He shrugged and took a sip of his tea, rolling it in his mouth first to confirm it hadn’t been spiked with anything alcoholic.

“My assumption entirely,” he added. “I’m not actually that familiar with the Nie sect doctrine on this matter. Lao Nie is not the most academic, and if anything seems more bemused by our lack of understanding on the matter.”

Wen Ruohan was frowning into his cup, but at least he wasn’t gripping it so tightly.

“Fighting the dictates of fate,” he murmured. “Yes, I can see that. If you decide you are something, who dares say that you cannot be that, even the Heavens themselves?”

Such a Wen sect way of thinking, Lan Qiren thought to himself, shaking his head. Arrogant, defiant and proud – always raising their heads up high. Admirable in small doses, irritating in large!

“What would you do?” Wen Ruohan asked him, and Lan Qiren looked at him, surprised. “If there was – something like that, but in your sect? The Lan is the most orthodox of the sects; you do not even permit intermingling between men and women.”

“We don’t – men and women live separately; it’s not the same thing as not permitting intermingling,” Lan Qiren protested, but he supposed he could see the value in the question. “If one of my sect disciples informed me that they believed themselves to be a misalignment, I would – accept it, I suppose. Perhaps after a period of supervision, to ensure that they were serious and understood the consequences of their actions, that they would live and be perceived socially in the manner their soul for the rest of their lives; that would help ensure no one would engage in such a thing lightly or as a prank.”

He thought about it a little more.

“Yes, I think that’s right,” he concluded. “There are many rules that touch on the subject of being true to oneself, and none requiring adherence to the gender of one’s body; therefore, it is more in accordance to the rules to permit it. In such an event, I might also send them to the Unclean Realm for a time to further their understanding of the concept, to allow them time to reflect on the proposed change and to ensure they have access to a place where they can feel safe in exploring –”

“What if it were you yourself? Given your position?”

“Me?” Lan Qiren blinked. “I’ve always been comfortable being a man, so it isn’t an issue. But if it was, I would imagine that the same would apply to me as to anyone else in my sect. After all, we have precedent of a woman taking the role of Sect Leader, so that isn’t a consideration.”

“I suppose you do,” Wen Ruohan said. He seemed thoughtful. “What do you think the other sects would think of it?”

“Well, I can hardly say. Of the Great Sects? The Jiang sect would probably approve of it; their sect motto is ‘attempt the impossible’, and their emphasis has always been on freedom and finding your own way – I can’t imagine them objecting in a way that wouldn’t make them come across as complete hypocrites. The Nie would of course accept it. The Jin…”

The Jin sect, under Jin Guangshan, would reject it utterly. Perhaps it might be different under a different sect leader, but Jin Guangshan was even more wedded to the idea of people being in what he considered their ‘proper’ place than most. He hated the newly rich, the self-made upstart, even the poor young men who fought their way up from nothing – in his view, immortality was best reached by nothing ever changing. It was, perhaps, an understandable viewpoint from a man who felt as though he already had everything, but still rather disgusting given how despite all of that Jin Guangshan still grappled and sought after even more power and wealth than he already had – as if he were the only one allowed to rise, and everyone else had to stay where they were so he could more easily step on them on his way up.

“Oh, the Jin. Leave Jin Guangshan to me,” Wen Ruohan said with that dangerous smile of his, the one that promised blood on the ground.

Lan Qiren nodded agreeably, then frowned. Since when had they been discussing how to convince Jin Guangshan to be more open to an admittedly idiosyncratic Nie sect custom?

He was about to ask, but then Lao Nie started singing – with Jiang Fengmian providing the harmony, insofar as ‘harmony’ could be used to describe something that sounded not unlike a duet for elephants in heat or possibly someone using a brick to bludgeon people mid-opera – and they all got distracted in the unified effort of trying to get them to stop.

Lan Qiren then forgot about the entire conversation for approximately two months, and abruptly recalled it when Wen Ruohan issued an announcement that the Wen sect now permitted female sect leaders, that, furthermore, shewas the first one, and, finally, that if anyone objected on any basis whatsoever they were welcome to fight her personally.

Which –

Well, in all, Lan Qiren wished his fellow sect leader the best and started resigning himself to having to suffer from even more of Lao Nie’s flirting at the next discussion conference. That man had never yet met a man or woman who could kill him that he wouldn’t try to sleep with, and he generally preferred women…

“It’s nice to have the company of another girl,” Jiang Yanli said with a smile.

Wen Xu snorted. “I agree, even if I wish it were under different circumstances.”

Jiang Yanli managed to maintain her expression of peace and tranquility for exactly four breaths before she burst out into giggles, an incredibly infectious sound that finally made Wen Xu start laughing as well.

“It’s mean,” Jiang Yanli said, only laughing harder. “I should – I’m glad they’re happy! Really!”

“We can be glad that they’re happy and also think that our parents are insane,” Wen Xu said. “I can’t believe – your parents are already married! To each other!”

“They weren’t very happy, though,” Jiang Yanli said. “I honestly think Sect Leader Wen has been very good for them. Even if I don’t want to think too hard about it.”

Wen Xu nodded. They were both twelve, which was exactly the age at which you tried very hard not to think things like I’m pretty sure my mom’s railing your dad while your mom provides commentary with his face in her lap right this very instant and yet you did think it because the adults were very not subtle sometimes and then at that point there was nothing to do but laugh.

“I heard that lots of people thought she was going to get together with Sect Leader Nie at first,” Jiang Yanli said. “You know, because they flirt so much?”

“My mom says that Sect Leader Nie flirts with anyone who can kill him,” Wen Xu said, and still marveled a little at being able to say things or think things like mom. Before, she’d only ever been allowed to refer to his father through the most formal terms, with any attempt to use a more intimate sobriquet being viciously punished – she’d often thought that her father would rather she called him Sect Leader Wen instead, and maybe she’d been right.

Her mother was a lot more easy-going about that sort of thing now, though. Wen Xu still wasn’t sure whether it was because she preferred ‘a-niang’ over ‘a-die’ or if it was just that, having blown up the entire cultivation world through her gender choices, her mother felt a lot freer in ignoring the rest of the expectations that had burdened her, too.

“So he’s not serious about her?”

“I mean, maybe he is, I don’t know,” Wen Xu said. “But apparently the whole thing with my mom deciding to announce that she was a woman happened right around the time he was getting back together with his second wife so I guess he was taken?”

“Wait, he got back together with – wasn’t she dead?”

“Apparently not? I really don’t know what happens in the Unclean Realm.”

“Probably for the best,” Jiang Yanli said. “I mean – I don’t – uh, that is –”

“If you’re talking about the fact that my mom still wants to take over the entire cultivation world and declare herself an immortal Empress, trust me, I know.”

“Oh, good,” Jiang Yanli said. “I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”

Wen Xu shrugged. She mostly just hoped that her mom’s current relationship with the other sect leaders was such that she didn’t actually murder them all in her inevitable effort to take over – it had always been something of a concern, and greater now that she actually knew Jiang Yanli was pretty cool.

“I also thought…” Jiang Yanli hesitated. “You yourself…?”

“Oh, no, I’m different. My birth mother made me pretend to be a boy,” Wen Xu said. “So that I could be the heir and she could keep her place as my father’s main wife, though of course in the end it didn’t really work out that well for her…I think A-Chao’s like mom, though. She wants to be a princess.”

“So she’s like your mom in the – ambitious sense?”

Wen Xu snickered. “Yes, that too. Actually, it’s a little funny. The whole thing started because my mom overheard Lao Nie talking about how a whole generation of Nie sect got cursed to be girls one time, and now I think mysect’s current generation is all girls.”

“Oh! Are they really?”

“Well, not really, but almost?” Wen Xu said. “There’s really just my mom, A-Chao, and me in the main branch, though we have some cousins that got sort of pulled into the main branch after their parents died – A-Qing and A-Ning. They were both born as girls, but recently A-Qing’s been saying that he thinks he might be happier as a man…it’s interesting. He’s not unhappybeing a woman the way I’m pretty sure my mom hated being a man, but he really likesbeing a man, and according to the Nie sect that’s the same thing, just a different expression of it? I don’t know.”

“How old are they?” Jiang Yanli asked.

“A-Qing’s about our age, and A-Ning is your brothers’ ages. You can meet them the next time there’s a conference in Qishan…”

“Can I bring Jiaojiao?” Wen Chao asked, and quailed under Wen Qing’s glare.

Wen Ning was just happy to remain underfoot and out of attention range. Her brother had a wicked way with needles when he wanted, and she wanted no part in any of that.

“Are you serious right now?” Wen Qing demanded. “You want to take your whore with you when we run away from home?”

“I’m not leaving Jiaojiao behind!” Wen Chao insisted. “And she’s not a whore! She doesn’t sleep with anyone but me.”

Hasn’t doesn’t mean wouldn’t, Wen Ning thought, then promptly felt bad for thinking it. It was a very catty thought and she was ashamed of it, even if Wang Lingjiao did strike her as rather…mercenary.

“Also I don’t understand why we have to run away anyway,” Wen Chao said, pouting. “So what if Mom started a war? We’re going to win, and then I’ll be a princess.”

“You’re an idiot,” Wen Qing said. “We’re not going to win.”

“But we control half the cultivation world!”

“Yes, and maybe if your mom was as ruthless as she used to be, she would’ve done the things necessary to win the war,” Wen Qing said. “Like take out Lao Nie early on, maybe. Now that the Nie sect’s got both him andNie Mingjue, any of our cultivators that go to the Unclean Realm are going to be slaughtered.”

Wen Chao winced, acknowledging the point.

“And ever since Lao Nie and Lan Qiren started their thing, it’s not like the Nie sect won’t also go defend the Lan sect, right?”

“…right.”

“And of course there’s the Jiang sect, which we probably couldraze to the ground if we really wanted to. But we’re not going to, and you know why?”

“Because Mom is fucking their sect leaders.”

“Because your mom is fucking their sect leaders,” Wen Qing agreed. “And that is why we declared war first on the Jin sect, because no one likes them.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that the Jin sect makes no sense at all as a target! If we take over the entire stretch of territory between Lanling and Qishan, Qinghe gets completely cut off from Gusu and Yunmeng and there’s no way they’re going to let that happen, which means that they’re going to declare war on us. And that is why we are running away from home, because we do not want to be here when the Nie sect shows up.”

Wen Ning’s brother was awesome and everyone should listen to him.

“Maybe your mom will rethink her actions once she’s seen that we’ve run away,” Wen Ning told Wen Chao in a low voice, since she was still scowling. “And I think it’s fine if you bring Jiaojiao. She’s your girlfriend, right?”

Wen Chao frowned. “I mean…she’s someone I’m sleeping with. For now. That’s all – she’s just a maid.”

Wen Ning would normally refrain from commenting, but… “If she’s just a maid, then why do you care about her potentially dying when the Nie sect invades?”

Wen Chao’s face did something. “I – maybe I just want to have her around to keep sleeping with her!”

Wen Qing looked on the verge of saying something, but Wen Ning stepped on her foot.

“Maybe you should think about it,” she said. “I don’t think we can let a servant to come with us – same reason we can’t take Wen Zhuilu, since he’d just report the whole thing to your mom – but if she was your girlfriend and you trusted her…”

She trailed off and shrugged.

Wen Chao’s face was doing weird colors.

“A-Ning, stop trying to teach A-Chao to have mature emotional reactions, it’s a hopeless case,” Wen Qing said. “Keep packing instead. If I was smart, I’d let A-Chao stay here with her Jiaojiao and her dreams of being a princess.”

“No!” Wen Chao exclaimed, then flushed red.

“No? Then pack.”

“How about we just assume girl until otherwise proven?” Wen Xu suggested, patting the baby’s back to try to keep calm. Whether the person to be calmed was the baby or Wen Xu herself was unknown. “She doesn’t need to have gender imposed so early.”

“Deciding that she’s a girl is imposing a gender,” Wen Chao said. Her head was in Wang Lingjiao’s lap, and she was pouting. “I can’t believe we have to take care of a baby.”

“She’s family,” Wen Qing said.

“Her parents aren’t!”

“Mom’s rules are that anyone who has the Wen surname and blood who doesn’t have parents gets adopted into the main family.”

“Do Sect Leader Wen’s rules even matter any more?” Wen Ning asked, wringing her hands. “With her being under house arrest…”

“It’s temporary. Once she vows not to wage offensive war without approval of the other Great Sect leaders, she’ll be released and things will go back to normal. Mostly. Possibly with slightly less war?”

“Yes, but in the meantime, why do we have to be in charge?”

“Uh, because you’re the heirs?”

“I’m not the heir,” Wen Chao sniffed. “A-Xu is.”

“This is so stupid,” Wen Xu said. “I can’t believe our mother’s military campaign and inevitable tragic defeat was derailed by the giant man-eating tortoise A-Chao found.”

“Anyone could’ve stumbled over that cave!”

“We weren’t even supposed to be heading in that direction! If you hadn’t stolen the map and insisted on being the navigator –”

“It all turned out for the best,” Wen Qing interrupted. “No blood feuds – or at least, not any we can’t afford to pay off – and that awful Jin Guangshan isn’t around anymore, which the other sect leaders are pretending to mind but really don’t. Mom will be back in charge of the sect soon enough, and with luck will forget all about trying to take over the world and will instead go back to fucking her two lovers that swooped in and saved her life instead defeating her because she’s incredibly touched by that even if she’s pretending she’s not. It’s like a scene out of a bad play.”

“Can we get back to the bit where we got a baby?” Wen Xu said. “I don’t want to deal with a baby.”

“I already explained –”

“I’ll take A-Yuan,” Wen Ning volunteered. “She seems sweet.”

“Girls usually are.”

“We are not saying everyone is a girl until otherwise determined!”

“Why not?” Wen Xu wanted to know. “Worked out pretty good so far.”

“I – that is – I mean…” Wen Qing floundered, then scowled. “Okay, listen. Not even the Nie sect does that, and I refuse for the Wen sect to be weirder than the Nie. All right?”

Everyone considered that, and agreed.

They might be weird – but they weren’t that weird.

Right?

#mdzs #wen ruohan #lan qiren #wen xu #jiang yanli #wen chao #wen qing #wen ning #feminine mystique

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vestige-nan · 3 years ago

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The Thorn in my Side, the Pebble in my Shoe: Ch 7

Summary: The main quest line in Mannimarco’s perspective, except that he falls chaotically in love with the vestige just as much as he chaotically hates them. Fun stuff: We’re gonna get some insight into the vestige this chapter! As always, vestige is gender neutral and physical features are not described.

I bit my lower lip as my fingers impatiently tapped on my table, my eyes unable to unglue themselves from the visage of the vestige and their troublesome band of wretches. I had managed to calm my anger enough to sit down, but with Tharn now siding with the vestige’s foolish lot, I didn’t know much Tharn pried behind my back and I didn’t know what he would disclose. And I hated not knowing.

To say the sorry group looked like a mess was an understatement. At the very least, each of them looked haunted after having escaped my castle. Tharn picked pieces of rotted corpse off his shoulders, Lyris pulled a section of an intestine out of her hair with a gag, and the vestige tried in vain to get a particularly putrid blood stain from their attire before giving up.

“My estates, my titles, my own life―it's all forfeit now. All in the name of preserving the Empire.” Tharn spoke. “I swear by all the gods, Mannimarco will pay dearly for this.”

My tapping stopped as my eyes narrowed with hatred. Preserving the Empire? He would have saved the Empire had he only stayed loyal.

The vestige turned to Tharn, an annoyingly kind look in their eyes. “Are you alright?”

“Of course. I am Abnur Tharn.” He picked one last rotted flesh piece from his shoulders before composed himself. “Now then, where were we?”

“You were going to tell us where Sai Sahan is.”

A pulse I might’ve not still had began to race and my hands came into fists. How much did Tharn figure out behind my back? I hated this anticipation.

Tharn cleared his throat. “Ah. Yes. Ahem. Truth be told, I don't know the precise location, but I do know that he is Mannimarco's prisoner, and that the King of Worms is trying to pry the location of the Amulet from him.”

I let out a breath and leaned back, before a chuckle escaped my lips. He knew nothing. He betrayed me for nothing.

The vestige looked speechless, and I might have enjoyed their incredulous look more than finding out Tharn had no conception of my plans. It seemed as though the vestige also went through that endeavor for nothings as well. “You don't know where he is?”

“Now, now, before you lose your temper, let me clarify.” Tharn said, straightening his back. “I don't know precisely where he is, but I can find out. I'll just need a little time.”

That statement made me lean forward again as I brought a hand to my chin, my brow furrowing. Was it another bluff to save himself? Or could he truly find Sai Sahan? That... would not do... Perhaps, he would reveal—

“What?” Before I could even finish my thought, the half-giant sneered, her hands cracking and forming into tight fists. She stalked over to Tharn, and in that moment I could see the imperial lose poise as her shadow cast over him. “You son of a bitch!”

I couldn’t contain my wild grin when she punched him so hard, he stumbled back. It seemed the half-giant was good for more than just slave labor at the Foundry.

Abnur brought a hand to his face, wiping the blood from his lips as he stared at her with both fear and anger. “Gah! Are you insane? Get away from me, you brutish she-troll!”

“Lyris! Stand down!” Varen tried to mediate.

Lyris’s eyes were venomous as she bared her teeth, “He's done nothing but lie to us from the beginning! I don't care what he says, he'll always be Mannimarco's toady!”

I cackled aloud, a hand coming to my eyes as I couldn’t contain my delight. These fools were so simple, they could not get along to save their own lives! They would sooner tear themselves apart at the seams than stop my plans! And how I would enjoy watching them tear at each other. The only reason they’ve lasted so long is because the vestige—

The vestige was walking away from the three? My confusion was quickly replaced with chagrin as I realized not only was my front row seat of seeing Tharn and Lyris kill each other taken from me, but also my ability to reveal crucial information about Tharn’s plan to find Sai Sahan.

“What the Oblivion are you doing?” I hissed, knowing my words couldn’t reach them and yet still demanding they return.

Unfortunately, the vestige did not listen to my demands, and instead stood next to the divine’s forsaken soul shriven that had traveled with them out of Coldharbour.

The soul shriven was warming their hands next to an open flame, and had to be the most ridiculous looking soul shriven I had ever laid eyes on. A pot sat on his head as a helmet, a sheet on his chest as armor, and the most ludicrous, nonsensical pattern of speech spilled from his tongue. “I say, you do get into some wild adventures, don't you?”

I sneered. The way the soul shriven spoke was grating to my ears.

“You could say so.” The vestige began warming their hands as well.

“Quite the ruckus fair Lyris and the good chancellor are getting up to over there, which is quite surprising! I would assume they’d get along swimmingly!”

“Those two?” The vestige tilted their head in thought for a moment before saying, “No. Those two are like oil and water.”

“Oil and water? Why, I was certain they were flesh and blood! I suppose you can’t right judge a book by its cover, eh?”

The vestige laughed and I slapped my face, dragging my hand down my cheeks. Why was I wasting my time with this?

“I do say, they are getting quite rowdy; causing a kerfuffle in this quaint cave I am so enjoying.” The soul shriven said, “Whatever are they quarrelling for?”

“Something about Lyris’s friend being held captive by the king of something, or the amulet of something being important for some reason.”

There are few things in the world that can baffle me to the degree that the vestige had. I had to close my agape mouth because of how absolutely bewildering they managed to confound me. It took me a breath before I could even formulate a coherent thought.

How could it be. That my greatest obstacle. Who has slain armies of undead and daedra. Paused the hand of the Daedric Prince of Domination. Saved Varen, Lyris, and Tharn. All of this. And thy Barely know what they’re fighting for.

It was maddening enough to tear their body apart bit by bit. I dreamed of sinking my fingers into their open chest and tearing their lungs and heart with my nails and carving my name into their bones and brain, so they could never refer to me as the “king of something” again. I would resurrect them so they could feel that pain for eternity, force their vocal cords to scream “King of Worms! King of Worms!” in a chorus of agony until Aetherius burned out.

Sheogorath was scratching at my mind. I pushed the thoughts aside.

“My, my, that certainly sounds like something important, indeed!” The soul shriven tilted his head, his milky white eyes glossing over the vestige. “Or somewhat of a something, that’s for certain.”

“You’re telling me.” The vestige said, as if the soul shriven made any semblance of sense whatsoever.

“Where can we find this dear friend of the lady Lyris?” The pot bobbed on the soul shriven’s head, and he had to push it up from his eyes. “I love a good rescue mission; I would have you know. I’m quite good at them.”

“We think Mannimarco has him.” So, they knew my name but not my title? That would be rectified. “You might not have been there, but he was the pretty mer who kept raising skeletons to fight us.”

I did not think the vestige could shock me anymore than they already had. I was wrong.

“Mannimarco? Yes, yes, I know him. Or I know of him, nasty fellow, always raising the dead. Not that I hate the undead or the like, they’re just awful to smell.” The words of the soul shriven were as sand to me.

Pretty mer.

My face curled in disgust. The disrespect alone for that comment would land the vestige in the deepest pits of Coldharbour until the stars burned out. To refer to me, the Lord of Necromancy, Master of the Worm Cult, Bane of Nirn, King of...

Pretty mer.

Well, they certainly weren’t wrong.

“Did you know he betrayed Varen? Poor old chum.” The soul shriven continued, “Pulled the wool right underneath his feet! Now we have all this nasty plane meld business.”

“Yeah, the prophet was saying something about that.” The vestige nodded their head. “I wasn’t paying too close attention... I’m pretty sure he killed me, though.”

What did they mean “pretty sure”?

Pretty mer.

“Did he now? How sure are you? It’s quite important to get that right.”

The vestige shrugged, “That’s just what they tell me. I don’t remember anything before I lost my soul.”

My eyes widened. I leaned back slowly, allowing my mind to mull over this new piece of information. This conversation had been full of surprises, but this. This memory loss could be useful to me.

“You don’t? Well, that’s quite wonderful to hear, jolly ol’ chum!”

The vestige raised a brow, “It is?”

“Yes, indeed! Because I happen to find myself in the very same predicament!” The soul shriven boasted. “Well, not including all of the soul deficiency piddle-paddle.”

The vestige smiled. “I guess we’re amnesia buddies, then.”

I groaned. I hated that this was the being that bested me.

“Quite so, quite so.”

“Vestige.” As if to end my agony, Aquilarios called to the vestige. Tharn and Lyris looked, unfortunately, not as if they killed each other, but there was no amity between them either. “Come. We have something to share with you.”

The vestige gave the soul shriven one last charming wink before making their way toward Aquilarios.

Charming? No. Errant.

Pretty mer. By the divines, I needed to push that from my mind.

#Mannimarco #mannimarco x vestige #tes #teso #The Elder Scrolls #The Elder Scrolls Online #the vestige #the thorn in my side the pebble in my shoe

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thefirsttree · 4 years ago

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A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind… I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

#gamedev #indie games #the first tree

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takahero · 4 years ago

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this is gonna sound extremely messy but here’s one of (many) basta fic concept ideas in which I relentlessly attempt to justify why I like him so much. HERE WE GO

so i love tangled, i love accidental-royalty tropes, i love a good enemies to friends to lovers. FYI, i’m a reader insert writer, so bear w the “you’s” HAHAHAH (also should clarify it has to be a fem!reader for the purpose of the plot). also set around the start of inkspell? and I’ve been brainstorming how to make this MAKE SENSE but look, I’ll try my best:

the general plot is this: adderhead wants another wife (note: against canon but for the purposes of the fic, THAT ISNT A CHILD). rumour has it there’s a beautiful maiden from a faraway land, yadda yadda, even more interesting if it’s another fanciful product of fenoglio’s writings. another bluejay dare I say. (ok but if you actually DID have reverse-aging powers like rapunzel, it would be 100% of interest to the adderhead holy frick. idk im still sitting on that one i just hate writing superpowers LMAO)

basta’s sent to “invite” you to the castle of night — aka, kidnap, bc obviously nobody would ever want to go of their own volition. we love a good meet-cute LMAO

alternatively, adderhead sends a bevy of his best men to escort you to the castle, which seems more likely … so he can assert his power

sidenote (there’s going to be lots of these): don’t forget I’m sort of going for the “lost princess” trope as this is…essentially a tangled au. sorta. or anastasia? i am leaning towards a whole amnesia thing where maybe reader just doesn’t know who she is and her dreams plague her SIGH I’ll figure it out someday LMFOAISODUD

two possibilities of her origins: 1. read into inkworld by mo, unwittingly. remember how mo’s postman disappeared or something?? and there was a glass man who got read in instead?? how many other people have been accidentally read into inkworld without mo’s knowledge. what if reader was one of those people. also likely she would be tentatively labelled a “witch” bc of applying modern world techniques to inkworld life

or 2. was she read in after fenoglio’s time? it almost feels too recent that way but I just love the concept of fenoglio writing songs and stories about ur typical fair maiden, then someone actually getting plunged into inkworld to play that role, like mo did. it’s a great way to tie in the theme of FATE…WAIT WAITWAIT this could have even more potential if reader is someone basta KNOWS from his time in our world …… like they had a super fleeting moment or some kind of acquaintanceship :O e.g. she was a barista or something and he was the customer that ordered peppermint tea exclusively every time. (but since fenoglio’s only been there for like a year, i don’t think reader would be well-adjusted to inkworld in that case. i highly doubt it. and it would also mess up the amnesia thing coz lmao how much could you forget in a year. anyway it’s an interesting plot. FOR ANOTHER FIC)

ok back to the story. they ambush, they seize everything they can. cue much resistance, much struggle, but she’s no match for the cadre of soldiers. and so the long trek back begins…

…riddled with challenges, of course. rain makes the journey difficult, horses slip in the mud, there’s little shelter. the men panic bc if they bring the girl in SICK, adderhead’s gonna lose his mind. so they halt the odyssey to wait out the storm overnight, but it worsens and ends up wreaking havoc. howling wind blows trees down, heavy rain stings skin, enormous hailstones shatter the earth…there’s thunder and lightning and it’s nothing short of a bad omen (basta thinks), and he wants out, he’s been having a bad feeling abt this whole thing from the start. (he thinks he saw 2 black cats in one day and firefox broke a mirror in ur house and yeah it was bad)

the soldiers start to flee left right and centre, fearing their lives. now it’s every man for themselves. basta’s hauling ass out of there when a branch knocks the wind out of him. he falls, possibly breaking a bone (arm rib or leg not too sure yet I CANNOT WRITE MEDICAL) and ultimately finds himself trapped beneath its weight. firefox notices, on his pursuit for safety. basta pleads for help. firefox walks over and squats down beside him, cuts the fingerbone charm off around his neck, and pockets it. smiles, insincerely, and says: “say hi to the white women for me.” leaves basta for dead

basta wakes up to a calm morning. he can hear the sound of water dripping off leaves, plunging into puddles. it’s quiet. birds are singing. and he’s not alone. he opens his eyes and ur looking straight at him, with mild surprise. god, he thinks, I survived the night and now I’m gonna get murdered. the pain sets in then, blinding and burning and terrible, and he begs you to end his misery. stab him right through the heart. don’t miss. don’t give the white women the satisfaction.

instead, you’re like: “can you move your toes?”

basta’s still a little b*tch. he thinks ur a witch, and ur probably gonna cut his digits off, one by one, to use in some cursed elixir. so he very angrily flails around and demands a swift execution. good signs of vitality

you leave, and he suddenly gets very scared, but you come back with a sword and proceed to hack away at the branch. at this point he’s starting to realise what’s going on and shuts up — apart from the occasional expletive when the blade swings a little too close to his head LMAO. he wriggles out, battered and bruised, but not dead. he’s a cat, after all. nine lives baby

look I’m gonna spare u of the details bc quite frankly I still don’t know HAHAHAH. ultimately, he’s in no state to run away, and he definitely can’t care for his own injuries. this all depends on what injury I end up assigning him with (did I mention that I hate writing medical. apparently broken legs can take up to 6 months to heal? 2-3 for a broken arm). now comes the proposition. a quid pro quo. you’ll help him recover, if he helps you find the elusive oracle who will tell u who u are (bc ofc basta knows all these things. of course he does)

otherwise he’s stuck in the woods by himself — unable to walk, unable to feed himself, left to the wolves. he’d rather not be alone, if he can help it. you make him swear. there is still mutual enmity — after all, he’s one of the men who was about to sell your soul to the adderhead against ur will. it’s going to take a lot to ever get over that. but it’s a start to getting somewhere, at least.

this is basically where the tangled story takes off. i just. look at all the little stories you could fit into this bad boy *slaps bonnet* INJURY CARE (think: if it’s an arm injury he’ll inevitably have to show his burn scars), the growing resentment that comes when nobody comes and searches for him (altho that’s really thanks to firefox)

(also love the idea of reader being better with a knife than basta like PLEASE he would be so miffed but also markedly more interested …)

then once he makes progress in his recovery, and there’s some kind of mutual respect established between them, we can introduce the PINING…*chef’s kiss*

but I’ll fill in the romance later bc that’s my strong point LMAO. i like to think that on their journey to find the oracle they encounter a vast number of obstacles…ruffians…thugs….and through those experiences they forge a bond of trust and friendship which blossoms into something else. also I’m so into basta falling first. and yes I want to include that marketplace scene where he follows reader around like a lost puppy and is just utterly enamoured AH

the turning point is when they do end up finding the oracle who guides reader in the right direction. it’s the point where they agreed to part ways except basta really doesn’t want to go anywhere. he wants to stay. it’s not exactly like the adderhead is waiting for his return anyway. and he’s never liked being in anyone’s company more than yours *sob*

now here’s where it gets messy. anyway. back to lost princess arc — I have yet to establish some sort of premise for this, but i just keep going back to this idea of an old and lonely king in a big castle (sounds familiar LMAO), no heir just grief for his critically-ill wife. actually I guess this is where the superpowers thing might come in handy. frijmcmc I hate writing superpowers. anyway a deal is struck — if you heal the wife, you can have the kingdom. fair and square. old guy just loves his wife. it’ll be seamless really. you, with no known origins/family, can claim power of the throne through legal adoption. unconventional, but hey it’s all part of fate’s design. bonus points if fenoglio’s songs tie the fair maiden to royalty but “not through blood or betrothal” how’s that ;)

meanwhile, while all this is happening and while basta is probably in over his head for you, a message from the adderhead comes to him. the walls have ears, after all. basta freaks the hell out, thinks the worst, but is baffled by the positive contents of the message. adderhead’s singing his praises for basta’s cunning. sure, he��s a little peeved that basta stole his wife-to-be, but in doing so, he’s unlocked the opportunity of a lifetime. what ??

basta reads on (IKDNDKSHD HE CANT READ I FORGOT HASHSHAHAHAUAHAHA) and dread fills his gut. the adderhead wants him to marry reader, assume royal status, then kill the family, kill the guards. leave not one soul behind — excluding reader (for…obvious reasons). then relinquish the kingdom to the adderhead. it’s a perfect plan to assert extra land, assets and people to war against the laughing prince/cosimo. it’s an order, but adderhead promises to make basta his right-hand man if he follows through. then adderhead’s like “ok see u soon xoxo”

UGH THE TENSION. to make matters worse, basta tries to figure this out by himself until reader gets wind of it and it almost breaks her heart when she realises basta hid it from her. like was that his plan all along? to string her along and make her fall in love w him just to be working for the adderhead’s interests all along? *drapes self over chaise longue* THE DRAMA

ur damn right im leaving it here!!! what kind of writer would I be to give away the ending! jokes I actually don’t know the ending. but my head feels monumentally lighter after dumping the contents out like this. hope you found this entertaining LMAO. and if you made it to the end here’s some gifs of gratitude:

#please feel free to add on too only if you’d like! coz I’m always hungry for new ideas #LONG POST WARNING #basta x reader #regarding the gifs BOTH THESE MEN HAVE SUCH FOXY FACES ITS UNREAL

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