#I hate being here I should be greatful it's clean and I'm healthy but I'm so depressed

[sensitivegoblin]

I don't like this house.

Vent below

[anjautembear]

Helloo. So this is my first post and I had this idea in my head after I listend to a song. English isn't my first language so sorry if there are spelling errors or sentences that don't make a lot of sence😅. I hope to the readers that read this like this as much as I do and sorry again if it doesn't make sence >_<. OKAY on to the story!!

Warning: Angst baby

Inspired by the song: All i want by kodaline

All i want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

He watches the door, hoping that she would walk threw it, greating him with that loving smile she always had, that still haunts him. He still hopes after weeks, but deep down he knows.

'Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die as a happy man I'm sure

He misses her, her face is starting to blur in his memory of her, but he wishes to go back. He wishes that he took her face in detail, if he only knew, that she would no longer be here, he would have printed her loving gaze in his mind.

When you said your last goodbye

The day of her death, is the day he wishes that never happend, the day that cancer took her from him, a sickness he so hates, a day that will haunt him forever.

The sound of a heartmonitor beeping in the background, the doctors and nurces shoes squeking on the floor outside, people talking, the sound of the wind blowing outside, the autum air blowing threw the curtains. Her favourite season.

But all those noises are blurred, for his soulfocus, was her, his beloved, his wife. He remembers holding her hand so tight for he feared she would pass to soon, slip from his fingers. His hold is tight but not too tight, for he didn't want to brake her. She was already thin and fragile. He still hates that feeling of her thin hand holding his and not the once healthy hand. Cancer was a true nightmare.

Her last words, the words that haunt him still, her fairwell greating, was a request. She requested that he should move on, marry another, find a new person that would treat him well. That she still and would love him. She hates that she is dying but does not want her beloved to suffer when she's gone. Her last and final words,

"You were a wonderful experience, I loved every minute with you. You were the reason for my every smile...I think...I'm ready to go home..with a smile and the memorys of us. Please look after youself...please."

I died a little bit inside

As his tears fall after she said those words, her final breath was taken, and she was gone. Like the autum leaves she so loved, her soul being carried away, back home. Her final smile with one tear falling, will always haunt him. His tears mimicking hers, but a waterfall. His heart stoped beating that day, like hers, for his heart shatter after she ripped the bandage clean.

I lay in tears in bed all night

As he lays in his ice cold bed, that no longer has her sent and warmf. He stares at the picture of their wedding day next to his bed. He still hasn't taken it off. His lifeless eyes staring at her bright smile, her wedding dress blowing in the spring wind. Memorys of her laughter, a sickening reminder, of his regrets of not marrying her sooner.

Alone without you by my side

He can no longer sleep, he can't, he tried multible times. But he can't sleep without her warm body next to his. So he holds her pillow, that no longer has her sent, the perfume bottle she once used ,empty after he used it to remind him of her.

But if you loved me

Why'd you leave me?

He doesn't know who to blame, himself, for not meating her sooner, cancer, a sickness that took her, or her, who left him a broken mess. A broken man who can't fix himself without her.

Take my body

Take my body..

All I want is

All I need is..

He felt like he should have been the one who left, he should be the one burried 6 feet under ground, he should be the one cold in the coffen, instead of his beloved, who didn't deserve it.

She was a bright light in a room full of dull lamps, he only saw her in a room full of people. But now she's a light no longer there, he is lost in the dark room. She is now no longer in the room full of people, he is surching, but she's already in the train of no return.

He needs her...but he no longer has her to save him

To find somebody

I'll find somebody

He tells himself he'll find another light, another person in the crowd, but deep down he knows that will never happen. She was the only 'somebody' he loved. But he'll try for her, he promised.

Ooh oh

Ooh oh

Ooh oh

Ooh oh

Memorys flash his mind. The day they met, bumping into eachother, on a cold autum day. He remembers how pretty she looked, how her hair framed her face, her flushed cheeks in the cold air. Her smile. Her smile he so loved.

Memorys flash in his mind. The day he preposed, the ring that gleamed in the setting sun. Her tears of joy rolling down her soft warm cheeks he so loved to kiss in the morning. Her eyes gleaming, resembling the ring, the ring he will no longer use.

Memorys flash in his mind. The day of their wedding. Tears of joy and laughter in the air of close friends, but the only laugh he heard, was hers, his wife, his other soul.

Memorys flash now...regret coming back. The day of her funeral. The rain pooring down, her coffen laying there, her favourite flower ontop. Haunting him. Mocking him, mocking him that he will no longer be able to give those same flowers to her on valentimes-day.

Cause you brought out the best of me

A part of me i'd never seen

He never thought that he could be loved, he always saw himself as the worst version of himself. But that all changed when she showed up in his life unexpectedly. She showed him parts of himself he has never seen before. She changed him into a better person. He never new he had these sides to him but she showed him like a hidden chapter between sticky pages glued together that he hid.

You took my soul and wiped it clean.

He was never a relegious person but she came to his life like a saint and changed his soul for the better. She saved him when he was stuck in a dark void of emptyness and anger. He worshiped her love like a person in church.

Our love was made for movie screens

If their love life was a movie. He was sure that everyone would have loved her as much as he did. They would have seen how deep their love was, how inlove he was. But he geasses that not every movie has a happy ending. There love story had a plot twist not even he could see coming.

Ooh, if you loved me

Why'd you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is..

All I need is..

To find somebody

I'll find somebody

Like you, ooh

He promised himself, he promised you, that he would move on. Find somebody that would love him like you did, but he can't. He would have to brake that promise. He can't move on, you were his somebody...

Thank you for reading this, I hope this wasn't a bad story😅. Bye bye!!

Edit: Wow! I didn't think people would actually read this and like this post. Thanks for the love guys!!🫶🏻🫶🏻

[studiokairoro]

in honour of Rafael Nadal's retirement, here are some of my favourite quotes from his biography:

"Losing always hurts, but it hurts much more when you had your chance and threw it away. I had beaten myself down and I hated that. I had flagged mentally, I had allowed myself to get distracted; I had veered from my game plan. So stupid, so unnecessary. So obviously, so exactly what you should not do in a big game." p. 3.

"...I cannot bear the thought of squandering an opportunity that might never come again." p. 3.

"I bore the single-minded conviction that I had it in me to win. Tennis against a rival with whom you're evenly matched, or whom you have a chance of beating, is all about raising your game when its needed. A champion plays at his best not in the opening rounds of a tournament but in the semi-finals and the finals against the best opponents, and a great tennis champion plays his best in a Grand Slam final. I had my fears- I was in a constant battle to contain my nerves- but I fought them down, and the one thought that occupied my brain was that today I'd rise to the occasion." p.7.

"And of one thing I have no doubt: the more you train, the better your feeling. Tennis is, more than other sports, a sport of the mind, it is the player who has those good sensations on the most days, who manages to isolate himself best from his fears and his ups and downs in morale a match inevitably brings..." p. 8.

"You have to cage yourself in protective armour, turn yourself into a bloodless warrior. It's a kind of self-hypnosis, a game you play, with deadly seriousness, to disguise your own weaknesses from yourself, as well as from your rival." p.11.

"Nothing exists but the battle ahead." p.12.

"Don't lose sight of the game plan. Do what you have to do... So be alert, be patient, don't be rash." p.15.

"Being concentrated means keep doing what you know you have to do, never changing your plan, unless the circumstances of a rally or game change exceptionally enough to warrant a surprise. It means discipline, it means holding back when the temptation arises to go for broke. Fighting that temptation means keeping your impatience or frustration in check." p. 16.

"I build a wall around myself when I play, but my family is the cement that holds the wall together." p.18.

"My immediate family, my extended family and my professional team stand in three concentric rings around me. Not only do they cocoon me from the dangerously distracting hurly-burly that comes with money and fame, together they create the environment of affection and trust I need to allow my talent to flower. Each individual member of the group compliments me where I am weak, boosting me where I am strong. To imagine my good fortune and success in their absence is to imagine the impossible." p.19.

"The nerves are working for you, not against you." p.33.

"I am not a model of healthy eating, not for a professional athlete anyway..." p.33-34.

"But I learned to internalise that anger too, not to fret at the injustice, to accept it and get on with it. Yes, [Toni Nadal] might have gone too far, but its worked very well for me." p.39.

"And to think straight, you have to keep your cool." p.52.

"...but all the fun I had then can't make up for the pain I'm feeling right now. I never want to feel this way again." p.54.

"You put that failure immediately behind you, clean out your mind. You do not allow your mind to dwell on it." p. 55.

"Because its all in your head, in your attitude, in wanting more, in enduring your rival... Look you've got two roads to choose from: tell yourself you've had enough and we leave, or be prepared to suffer and keep going. The choice is between enduring and giving up." p.59.

"[Rafael] knows his place in the world. Everybody should know their place in the world." p.64.

"...it is more important to be a good person than a good player." p.66.

"The greater the effort, the greater the value." p.67.

"You can't let yourself be demoralized; you have to remember- or you have to convince yourself- that he cannot possibly sustain that level of play game after game, that... he is human too, that if you stay cool and stick to your game plan and keep trying to wear him down and make him uncomfortable, then he'll leave that zone sooner or later." p.70.

"It's a question of concentration, of putting everything out of your mind beyond the game itself... the adrenaline of competition helps kill the pain." p.75.

"I can never repay my parents for what they have given me, but the best thing I can do for them is try and remain faithful to the values they've instilled in me, try to be 'good people,' because I know that nothing would hurt them more or make them feel more betrayed than if I were not... Because a victory for me is a victory for [the family]." p.87.

"Everybody tries to take lessons from defeat, but I try to take them from my victories too...At the moment of triumph, yes, drink in the euphoria. But later on, when you watch the match you've won, you often realise- sometimes with a shudder- how very close you came to losing. And then you have to analyse why: was it because I lost concentration or was it because there are facets of my game I have to improve, or both?" p.99.

"If you give your opponent more credit, if you accept that he played a shot you could do nothing about, if you play the part of the spectator for a moment and generously acknowledge a magnificent piece of play, there you win balance and inner calm." p.100.

"It is possible to do everything, I believe, but always keeping a balance, never ever losing track of what's important." p.105.

"...first, that you must enjoy what you do; and second, that the chances that come your way once won't necessarily come your way again, so you squeeze the most you possibly can out of every opportunity, every single time, as if it were your last." p.110.

“When that happens, you become afraid to let fly, you don’t give rein to your natural game, and everything becomes much more complicated.” p. 142.

“…and I understood immediately that, for all the years of hard work I had put in, this victory had not been mine alone… however great your dedication, you never win anything alone. The French Open was my reward, and my family’s reward too.” p. 144.

“I had tasted victory at the highest level; I had liked it and I wanted more.” p. 144.

“Because from that time on I saw that I would never know entirely for sure whether a match I was playing would be my last. This understanding led me to one conclusion: I’d have to play each one, and train for each one, as if it were my last.” p. 155.

“But it wasn’t the fear of losing that was causing it. It was the fear of winning.” p. 162.

“Enduring means accepting.” p. 175

“I had learned my lesson and felt capable of putting it into practise.” p. 176.

“I’m never satisfied, I always want more. Or at any rate, I want to push myself to the very limit of my abilities.” p. 179.

“…however small the possibility might be of victory, fight to the very end. The reward is too great for you not to make the effort. So many times, due to dismay or exhaustion, players don’t put up the battle circumstances demand, but if there is one chance, just one, you must fight on until all is lost.” p. 185.

“I had to beat myself before I could beat Federer.” p. 196.

“Federer learned in that final that to beat Rafa you have to stomp him not once, not twice, but many, many times. You think he’s dead, in a point or in a game or in a set, but he keeps on coming back.” p. 202.

“…your emotional state is paramount to success. The better you are within yourself, the better your chances of playing well.” p. 212.

“So its up to you whether you rise above the pain and the exhaustion and summon up the desire to win… anybody who digs enough can always find the motivation they need for anything.” p. 226.

“…you always have to hang in there, that however remote your chances of winning might seem, you have to push yourself to the very limit of your abilities and try your luck.” p. 230.

“…if your head is in permanent stress, you sleep little and your mind is distracted…the impact on your body is devastating.” p. 245.

“The expression on your face conditions to a significant degree your state of mind and…the functioning of your body.” p. 259.

“Some players explode with anger when their opponent is dominating them. But there’s no point. It can only do you harm. You just have to think, “I can’t do anything about this, so why worry?”” p. 277.

“Weather the storm…If I can’t come back on the next point, I will on the one after that.” p. 278.

“…bow before the inevitable and move on.” p. 278.

“I’m making calculations all the time as I play, trying to judge the best tactic considering how I am feeling at a given moment, my sense of the opponent’s morale and how the score is going.” p. 279.

“…the will to win and the will to prepare are one and the same.” p. 282.

“I’d made it as far as I had because I had never lost sight of my priorities.” p. 283.

“…if you make an effort in training when you don’t especially feel like making it, the payoff is that you will win games when you are not feeling your best.” p. 287.

Gracias Rafa for everything. Forever my idol in not only sports, but in all facets of my life.

[superfallingstars]

Playlist for Snupin dancing in the kitchen?

(from Remus-poopin btw)

send me playlist prompts! please i still want them!

Gnjfhfjjdkfjsk this is like the ideal playlist ask THANK YOU

This is a playlist of warm and sunny 60s/70s/80s songs to dance and cook to, with a healthy amount of (slightly complicated) love songs. I'm gonna go thru this song by song because as per usual I have shit to say

Track list:

Todd Rundgren - Can We Still Be Friends?: so Snupin is kinda an enemies-to-lovers thing, right? So this lovely little song – "Let's admit we made a mistake, but can we still be friends?" – is rather fitting. Also I just love Todd Rundgren and his warm jazzy 70s piano songs, he makes great kitchen music.

Laura Nyro - Stoned Soul Picnic: I'm going to need to remove the phrase "warm jazzy 70s piano songs" from my vocabulary by the end of this, but that's exactly what this song is. Also I'm just a huge Laura Nyro fan and looking for an excuse to talk about her. Unrelated but also she looks like how I imagine Eileen Prince

The Cleaners from Venus - Lukewarm Love Song: IMO this is the best song on this playlist. Like I mentioned in the Remus playlist ask, The Cleaners from Venus (with their adorable jazzy lo-fi jangle pop songs) are peak Remus to me. This song is one of my favorites of theirs and imo fits the Snupin dynamic very well. The lyrics are SO ambiguous in the best way possible: "I would not be with you unless I wanted to" could be a comforting reassurance if that person is, well, with you, but if you're in a complicated enemies-to-lovers situationship, it might mean something else...! In this context, I read it as someone (let's be real probably Snape) convincing themselves that they don't like the other person, even though they are with them, and they do call them, and they think about them all the time (as the rest of the lyrics go)... and maybe THEN they realize that they're doing all of this because they want to. You done gone and fell in love idiot!

Shira Small - My Life's Alright: Ok I just have to say this album is amazing, this is Shira Small's only album and she made it in college and it's just the loveliest most comforting jazzy 70s thing in the world and I love it so much that I transcribed all the lyrics on Genius and it's great. To me this song is about slowing down and noticing the small things and being grateful for being alive and dancing in the kitchen and I like it!!!!

Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London: I like to imagine that Snape antagonizes Lupin with this song but Lupin begrudgingly enjoys it. I should finish that comic I started about this

Todd Rundgren - Izzat Love?: another W for Todd Rundgren and his warm jazzy 70s love songs

Shira Small - Here I Stand: A lovely little song of platonic or romantic devotion that also is surprisingly matter-of-fact. Here I stand with you but also you need to make up your mind about whether you want to enjoy life or not. Aka Lupin @ Snape

Orange Juice - Falling and Laughing: This is just kinda of one of the best love songs ever, I don't make the rules

The Replacements - Swingin' Party: This is very, we're cleaning up after everyone's gone home from the party but the music is still on and we're not quite sober yet. Also "if being afraid is a crime, we hang side by side" ?!!!! screaming crying throwing up

Ronnie D'Addario - Nice Meeting You Again: I think this song is very fun in the context of two people who met a long time ago and fucking hated each other. "With every day, I see the way our love's brand new again" – CUTE.

Thank you so much for this ask and letting me gush about all of these songs. I have such brainrot for this ship. Hopefully this playlist shows the dynamic I'm going for and doesn't just make me look insane 👍

[dungeon-gerard]

I thought of posting this on my main but I don't really want that blog attracting pro ed content so I thought it be best here.

I don't even eat weirdly anymore. I haven't binged in months (bc I stopped the negative thoughts abt food, took a few months but its safe to say im clean) I'm healthier now, maybe even a little slimmer, because I dont have the side effects of starving anymore. I think I can say it's ended for a good 6 months now. There's just little things that remind me of it.

So, it might sound weird considering I'm recovered, but I have a thinsp0 folder. I didn't have that during the ed, I did it on pinterest but now I save pictures into a hidden file to use as thinsp0. I barely look at them, only when I add a new photo, but still, it proves it's still there.

If that doesn't strike you as strange, then what if I say I also saved pictures of my friends there. I use ppl I know as thinspo. I wonder about my friends eating habits and sometimes edge the conversation on to get them to share me details in a way that sounds natural. Well, its not malicious, but it's fueled by something they don't understand, and would likely feel upset if they were to know.

I should feel ashamed, but really, they should be flattered I aspire to look like them.

I love the eating disorder headcanon, I use it a lot. I never would have if I didn't have an ed before. I understand the desire to not eat, which I didn't understand before my ed. I didn't have any thoughts on food really, so I'm actually thankful I had that experience.

I'd like to add to that, my ed was mild in comparison to others, to other people I know. I don't use the term all the time, but for the sake of words I call what I had an eating disorder though internally I understand it was disordered eating, and a negative mindset. Bad but nothing compared to what some people have gone through.

Also, I try to keep healthy nowadays. I should exercise more, I want to do it not to hurt myself but cause it feels good and also makes me look slimmer. For example if you want your arms to look thinner lift weights cause they will look so much better afterwards. I want to lift again.

Now, a rant abt the thin aesthetic I like

Some people are so slim and oh it looks so good on them. I want that too. I also want to be taller, what's the deal with me being 5'4? That's boring. I should be 5'9. (This may be bc my best friend is rlly short and we both like the tall short dynamic) Tall and thin. Just like.. other ppl I know. Yeah, and small boobs. It would be GREAT if they couldn't be noticed with a t shirt on. I desperately want to have such small breasts that I don't have to wear a bra with cups. Also, androgyny. I think some people relate to that. Hell, I'm cis but I enjoy the aura of androgyny some people possess. I desire it greatly. Not to say I'm dissatisfied with my appearance, I'm recovered and fine with how my body fits, but oh, it could be just a bit slimmer. Like her. Like him. Hey friend, what kind of things do you eat? What have you eaten today? The whole day, I'm just curious. Do you go out often? Do you exercise?

You're uh.. really thin.. it's nice. Stay like that, stay like that for me.

I'm never posting one of these again I swear I hate the ed community sm

This is no beta read btw, just exactly what my mind threw out without thinking

[mrbexwrites]

Sibling Q&A Tag

Tagged by @spideronthesun here- thank you <3 Leaving an open tag for anyone else who'd like to do this, as my brain is not working at the moment 😅 I was going to answer this for my Memento Mori siblings, but the questions fit Mavis & Connor best!

1. Who looks the most like Dad?

Connor: Mavis. Mavis: We're twins. I feel like we both have a lot of his features. Unfortunately. Connor: You more than me, though. You have his frown, and you wear it all the time. Mavis:...

2. Who looks the most like mom?

Both: Colleen. Connor: She definitely takes after Mum. She got her eyes, which definitely helps.

3. Who eats the most?

Mavis: Connor. You've put some weight on, recently. Maybe time t cut down. You've got a wedding suit to squeeze into. Connor: Don't fat-shame me! I've been stress eating, and Hadley says my having a tummy means that there's more for me to love!

4. Who has been in the weirdest situations?

Connor: Mavis. 100% Mavis. I mean...you've met her right? She's pretty effed-up.

5. Who sleeps the most?

Mavis: Connor. He lies in bed well past sunrise most days. Connor: Some of us just sleep a normal eight hour night, and can't survive on whatever sleep they can snatch. Mave, getting less than four hours of sleep per night isn't healthy!

6. Most stable romantic life?

Both in unison: Connor.

7. Worst habit of each one?

Connor: Mavis has a lot of unaddressed anger issues. She's going to need a lot of therapy. She likes to horde tins of food, but I think that's a trauma response. She doesn't use her words to tell us how she's feeling, she'll just sulk and lash out, expecting us to know what's wrong with her. She's pretty grumpy most of the time. But she does like to keep thins neat and tidy....a little too neat and tidy. Like 'everything has a place' tidy. So, yeah... Mavis: ... Mavis: Connor chews with his mouth open.

8. Who's the most dramatic?

Connor: Mavis Mavis: Connor. Connor: Wait...! What?! How am I the most dramatic? Mavis: You cried when you got punched in the face. Connor: That's not being dramatic! That's being in pain! You're the dramatic one! You blew up an art gallery just because Arnauld was in it! Mavis: That's not dramatic. That's being thorough. Connor:...

9. Who had a weird phase?

Mavis: Connor. He went through his emo phase. With a stupid fringe and lip piercing. The long chain hanging from his jeans. The poetry! Connor: It was a phase! yes, it was super cringe, but who wasn't a total little weirdo when they were 13 years old?

10. Best cook of the family?

Connor: Mum. 100% Mum. She bakes her own bread, makes her own yoghurt. She can take anything and turn it into a banquet. Honestly, you should come round. She'll never see someone go away hungry.

11. Best memory together?

Mavis: That day we went fishing in the river, and you caught a fish. I helped you reel it in. Connor: We were five or six. That's your favourite memory of us? Mavis: *shrugs*

12. Worst memory together?

Connor: There was this one time when Mavis kidnapped me, and took me to our father. He tortured me. That wasn't great.

13. Dream trip together

Connor: Pretty much anywhere. We've been apart for most of our childhood. Maybe a camping trip so that we can have proper time spent in nature, bonding, reminiscing... Mavis: I'd rather go to Hell than go on a holiday with you.

14. Would you rather not be able to shower for a month or have the same clothes for a month?

Connor: Shower. I'd hate not being able to shower. I want to be cleeean! I could always air out my clothes, or spray them with deoderant to try to mask the smell. But I want me to be clean and fresh. Mavis: I not fussed. Done both, if I'm honest. No-one complained. Connor: It's a good thing that smell isn't something that can travel over our psychic link...!

15. Who's the older one?

Connor: Mavis. But only by a couple of minutes.

16. Role model?

Connor: Arnauld. He's so cool, and has shaped me into the man I am today. Followed closely by Gary. Mavis: Father.

17. Who usually has the worst ideas?

Mavis: Connor. He's an idiot. Connor: Says the person who blew up an art gallery !!

18. A GIANT insect is on the wall, who's taking care of it?

Both: Mavis. Connor: I'm squemish. Mavis will get it. Mavis: He usually begs for me to just trap it and throw it outside. It's easier to kill it, but he usually asks nicely, and I'm trying to be a better person, so I'll just scoop it into my hand, and throw it out a window.

[hetalia-club]

I just have to spill my thoughts here for a second about my personal life for my own sanity. feel free to happily ignore and scroll by.

Good news everyone :D I just dumped my toxic emotionally abusive boyfriend. Terrible News everyone! :DDDD He was also my best friend and childhood best friend so isn't that great!? :)))

We were supposed to go to Sicily together in May...Why did I DO THAT!? I spent 2k on my plane ticket...the room is reserved... Do I like just not go to Italy now? Do I say F it and just go by myself? Do I try and quickly beg someone else to go with me who's okay with spending at least 2k on a plane ticket? Which would be no one in my life, maybe my parents would but idk what they got going on. I really wanted to go. Why could I have like just not waited until after that? We share a friend group and they are all more his friends than mine. So I just like isolated myself for no reason.

Sorry to dump this here and no I don't expect any of you to have the answers or do anything with this information.

These past few weeks for me have been really rough and I just made it somehow worse.

He distanced me from all my former friends who have all like moved on and have families and whatever and who I have not spoken to in five years so all I have right now is my family and work 'friends' I don't even like. I'm going to have to live with my parents for who knows how long because it was his house he had all the money in our relationship. He convinced me to quit my good desk job with benefits to work part time as a barista so I could clean his house and cook for him. But he also put up with all my weirdness and was fine with it.

Like when I say I have no idea what to do I truly mean that.

again I don't want anyone to feel responsible to do something about how I royalty screwed up my life. It's no ones fault. I shouldn't have let him isolate me so much from my friends and former life but TOO LATE NOW! I just need to stop being with men who have brown hair and brown eyes but are objectively terrible.

My only silver lining is that I was the one to end it. Which if anything am proud of myself for that because I have never broken up with anyone before and I normally just deal with whatever people do to me no matter how terrible and mean they are. I just have always forgiven him and everyone else.

But when some dude bro sits you down and asks you to "List reasons why you deserved to be loved by him" it was just too much. Like that might seem petty but I am sick of being the 'pretty girlfriend' I am so tired of having to dress to the 9s to go out and be expected to be perfect even if we're just going to a F*ng dive bar where I get stared out for dressing like I'm going to a club. Where he gets to look like a diarrhea stain who can't be bothered to wear a shirt that's not wrinkled or shave his scraggly beard. Why he thinks I should make a list of MY worth as a human being in his eyes. When he is average at best!? Like I'm not a 10 I'm not perfect I'm not delusional, I don't think I'm the hottest girl in the world or gods gift to man kind. But I'm out of his league, I do know that!

I always tend to cling to Hetalia harder when my life is falling apart around me because that's sort of just what I've done since I was a teen. I've never been in a healthy relationship with someone who actually likes me and Hetalia has always been there for me. Which is why I have been making a lot of content lately, it's been a distraction and I'm sorry if I've been bugging people with how much I've been posting. That's not been my intentions its just my coping mechanism and it's better than drinking...

This is the only social media I have that he's not on. I don't hate him enough to block him. I do still want to try and be his friend at some point if that's possible. I love his family and they love me and it's going to be so upsetting to see them again from a different perspective.

I'm okay...It's just been really rough lately...And I somehow just made it worse.(No I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone, don't even worry about that.)

[qqueenofhades]

One of my friends keeps trying to get me to watch Top Gun and I honestly just can’t, it makes be feel awful and the military propaganda and glorification there, especially as an american myself (the friend in question isn’t) it just is something I have an active desire to NOT watch even as a good friend who really loves the movie is trying to get me to.

It’s military propaganda. That’s flat out what it is. A different friend, her dad literally joined the military right after high school BECAUSE of the first movie. It sits so wrong with me. The movie makes the military have a great, clean reputation and be the shining beacon of American patriotism, the movie literally worked with the department of defence and thanked them in the credits, and it was a massive reputation boost to the military. You can look at statistics and see skyrocketing enlistment rates after the movie was released. That was the POINT of the movie, and I hate it.

It makes me feel really bad, though, because I’m a massive proponent of people being able to read/watch stuff and enjoy it even if it IS problematic and honestly, I’ve gotten frustrated at people refusing stuff because they don’t agree with parts of it. One of the big instances that comes to mind is a friend of mine who refused to watch the Hannibal TV show because it had a “problematic and highly inaccurate portrayal of the main character being supposedly autistic and it’s an insult to actual autistic people” and that’s barely even a part of the show. It’s implied by a few lines of dialogue but that’s it. Similarly, I’ve known people refuse to watch or read other stuff because it has unhealthy romantic relationships or toxic friendships. That goes for a lot of stuff- shows and books and movies like that are meant for entertainment and aren’t supposed to be the gold standard that you hold all other stuff up to. Something like IWTV is meant to be a horrible relationship but you’re not supposed to take it as something real and healthy. Anyway rant aside, you should be able to enjoy so called “problematic” media while still acknowledging that it’s problematic. When you start making your opinion about it into a big issue or telling other people they shouldn’t watch it because it’s wrong, that’s when everyone has a problem.

That being said, I now feel like a massive hypocrite for then refusing to watch Top Gun because I don’t agree with it and don’t like the content. Don’t get me wrong, I employ the “just don’t watch it” method to great effect with a lot of content but I have a much bigger problem here when it’s a really good friend of mine trying to get me to watch it and I don’t know how to justify it to them beyond “because I don’t want to and I don’t agree with it” because I don’t want to hurt them, either, even if it’s not something I should have to justify.

I mean, you're not being a hypocrite at all, really? You subscribe to the idea that people should watch what they want and that if you or anyone else doesn't want to see it, you have the right to refuse engagement with that content without making it everyone else's problem. This might be a little more delicate because obviously it's your friend and you don't want to hurt their feelings, but there's nothing wrong with politely explaining that you're uncomfortable with it for the reasons stated and this absolutely doesn't reflect on your feelings for them. In turn, it’s their responsibility to react maturely and be like "okay, I get it, let's find something else to watch together." But that's for them to control, and you can only do your part.

This is likewise something I've been dealing with myself, in terms of rewatching old media that for one reason or another is considered Problematic TM. Like, I'm currently rewatching Brooklyn 99, and that was not before I spent a while wondering whether I wanted to engage with it again at all; I put off watching the final season for a long time after 2020, and there is still something uncomfortable about making a wacky comedy aimed at liberals that is still, especially in the early seasons, just WILD copaganda. Like, insanely so. They did adjust and reflect in later seasons, which is good, but still. The NYPD is basically a domestic terrorist organisation in some ways, it has a budget larger than some countries' militaries, it inflicts real violence on a lot of NYC residents, etc etc... so do I, a person who obviously supports police reform and accountability, and systematic social justice, want to engage that in my free time?

After duly considering this, I am still rewatching old episodes of the show, I still find it largely funny, and I am able to recognise that this is a fictional sitcom filmed by actors in the Universal Studios backlot in California and thus is not actually contributing to the real-life NYPD's actions in hurting real people. I do need to have that critical distinction in mind, and to recognize the questions/issues that it raises, but because I am a grownup and capable of doing so, I can still engage with this media in a way that both acknowledges the social implications of the fictional setting and does not leap to immediately equivocating it with reality. Because, well. It's not.

I share this to help give you an ethical framework if you do decide that you should watch Top Gun to please your friend. Yes, it is straight up 80s Reaganite military propaganda, you are not comfortable with that or its real-world effects, and you absolutely do reserve the right, as noted above, to politely and personally reject engagement with it. But it's also not real, it is not directly perpetrating the injustices and brutalities of the American military on real-life people at this very instant, and you can watch it without having to feel that you've betrayed your own principles or you're now personally supporting war crimes or whatever the most insane maximalist Terminally Online take may now be. You do have to think about it critically as a piece if propaganda and what it wants to do and etc., but obviously you're already doing that. So yes. It's up to you whether you want to watch the film to please your friend, or to just politely be like "no thanks," and either way, it's entirely valid.

[k--havok]

So the other day at my therapist appt I was telling her how I cannot finish anything to save my life (except, like... cooking and work-related things) and how, especially when it comes to my writing, its just incredibly frustrating.

The thing is, it really does frustrate me when it comes to writing. But it also affects everything else in my life; from doing chores and cleaning things to other hobbies. It's hard for me to get started, and even when I start, I cannot seem to finish things.

(and I say this as I type this next to a pile of folded laundry on my couch that needs to be put away. It would not take long to put it away. Maybe 10 minutes. But alas.)

Now I do not have a/d/h/d. But I have many symptoms of it and unfortunately it has been incredibly difficult for me to get help for my symptoms as doctors, therapists, and others insist I should get tested again and want to prescribe me pills I do not want to take.

But. Finally. It took over 2 years, but I have finally found a therapist and professional who sees that I am struggling and instead of putting me into a box and slapping a label on me, is getting to the root cause.

I don't usually talk about it much, but I don't have a/d/h/d because I have a T/B/I. And it affects everything.

Anyways, it's not just a motivation barrier that stops me from doing and finishing things. I'm great at stopping things when I am about 3/4s the way through or almost done with something and then just not picking it up again and not finishing it.

Sure, things I hate end up here. Like the folded laundry. But it affects my WIPs. It affects me when I try and play most video games (except online/live games). It affects TV shows, reading, painting, art, and even my weight-loss has been sabotaged by this. I have been working on getting down to a healthy weight for years now and have stopped at 10-15lbs from my goal weight. I'm not platueing. I know what I need to do. I just stopped those healthy good habits and now cannot pick them back up. It's bizarre.

I've known I'm neurodivergent for a long time but it was always something I read other people talk about and listen to. I never really used the word for myself and never had other people, from doctors to friends, also use the word for me. It's either all about pills and definite treatment options from the professionals. And from friends in the past, it was always a pissing contest about how they have it so much worse. (Who can take the most pills, go to the most dr appointments, who needs to be hospitalized, who has the most diagnoses, both real and self-dxed... etc.)

For the first time though, my therapist used it to describe what I was going through. And it felt... I dunno. Like I'm not faking things. Like my struggles actually matter. That I did not have to be put in a box and told that since I do not have X there is nothing to do about Y and Z symptoms. The first answer, for once, wasn't pills. Which was nice.

Anyways, the reason I am posting this long-winded, rambling post onto my writeblr blog and not my personal is, for the first time, I do not feel guilty for not finishing things. I got the dopamine release from working on the journey, which is my favorite part. I like working on things and being busy. If I come to a stopping point, if I finish, then the most fun part of writing for me--the actual writing--is at a stopping point. And then I have to do what I don't like to do much, which is edit.

For years, I called it writer's block. But that was never really what it was. Because I know what happens next. I know what I want to write. I just could not get my fingers to the keyboard.

I still don't have an exact word or phrase to describe why I cannot finish things. But now I know what it stems from, know why I perform this behavior, and know tricks to get around this part of myself to start being able to finish things.

I want to finish the first novella of Soft Touches, Godless Hands by the end of this year. Maybe it'll happen. maybe not. But I am tired of comparing myself to others and punishing myself for not living up to my own expectations.

I jump around to different WIPs not just because I like to have a different flavor of the week, but to keep things fresh. Interesting. To try different things. Because I love trying new things. Another important factor of my life that affects everything.

It may make my projects and blog harder to follow, that is true. But I write for myself first and foremost. My blog is a way to organize thoughts and jot down quick headcanons and flesh out my stories.

As long as I can follow along to what I am doing, that's all that matters.

[atiny-piratequeen]

Sorry to vent my life frustrations at you - so I am usually a really active person (probably more mentally than physically) anyways I know my biggest flaws are being a workaholic and overacheiver. I will honestly spend a solid 14-16 hours at work 6-7 days a week because I love my job and I thrive in knowing I am one of the best in the country. In my time off I usually study Korean (I teach myself) and I also study crime stuffs. I go surfing, take the dog out or think of better ways to do things at work - tbh betteribg myself at work occupies 99% of my brain. It sounds great but the past week I have been really struggling. I still keep up my work but I find I am only doing 8-10 hour shifts because I feel so mentally tired. Then when I go home I feel like I should be studying or doing something productive so I try to study or cook or clean and I just dont. I lay in bed and read one of your fics or just scroll aimlessly on my phone and then I hate myself afterwards for not doing it. It is like my brain was firing a million miles an hour and suddenly it just doesnt want to 😭😭 and I dont know how to fix myself or how to get my brain to fire back up again 😭

Okay. Whew.

So first, im gonna preface anything im about to say by stating i am not a psychiatrist or therapist, i am in no way qualified to like. Actually go into a full unpack of everything here. Im just some random 25 year old on a blue hellsite but like.

You're gonna work yourself into the ground, fam. 14-16 hour shifts (out of a 24 hour day????) 6-7 days a week is not healthy imo. Its entirely too much of a workload and I'm not sure what your working conditions are (or labor laws, for that matter) thats got you working 7 days at the same place with no break in between-

But thats like. A lot. I understand some people are workaholics, and there's nothing wrong with that, in moderation. Your life should not revolve around your workplace. Your workplace should not, in my merry little opinion, take up so much of your brain space that you have an adverse reaction to having more time off to yourself.

Im kind of worried about you, chief, im not gonna lie. I dont know if you sent this asking for advice (again, im not a professional im just some donut) or just to vent but i truly believe it could do you well to find a way to establish a healthy mentality with time off. You're a person, not a machine, and you dont need to spend every.waking.moment. doing something "productive". Work hard, but know when its time to just relax and recharge your batteries.

Even the best of the best know when its time to kick back and take a rest.

[heylabodega]

A few weeks ago, I got out of a cold shower on a hot day, the best treat in the world and began, as one does, vigorously rubbing my face with a soft clean towel--an additional treat, which feels like buffing, exfoliating. And it popped into my head, unbidden: the skincare article I'd read the day before that mentioned offhand and matter-of-factly that of course you should pat, never rub, your face dry to prevent wrinkles.

And I got.

So mad.

All of a sudden, I got so so angry. At the way we talk about our bodies and our faces and what we do to and with them. I'm building on a great deal of thinking about skincare, "wellness", optimization of self, gamification of the body, biohacking, etc, but jesus god. Everything--it must be said, for both men and women but particularly for women--is sold and talked about and centered around the idea that you should look as young, shiny, poreless, flawless, effortless as possible at all times for as long as possible.

Apply this skincare in this order! Eat these foods! Take these supplements! Sleep on your back, using this pillowcase! Don't drink or eat sugar, it breaks down collagen. Don't miss sleep, it dulls your skin. I even read a thing that said that FYI long distance running over time might make you look older because it increases gravity on your face. Distance running! The thing I love most of all! And for a minute I thought, oh no, I have to stop.

I tried to express this to someone recently and she said, "and, objectively, you and I both have very good skin," and we do but that's very much not the point. I don't know how to say this. It's not that I don't use moisturizers and Differin and love how much sweating makes my skin glow. It's not that I don't understand how beauty and/or a certain good genetics/wealth sheen can positively affect your personal and professional lives. It's not even the fucked up fact that this healthy youthful skin can be, for at least 50 or so years, purchased by first topical treatments and then minor surgical ones. It's--it's the goal. It's the assumed objective of youth forever, of dedicating every moment, every thought, every dollar, to being hot but not even in a visceral, sensual, sexy way. Like the goal is to look the Absolute Best, Always, but not even to get love or sex or affection. To be fit and muscly but not to run fast or play sports or enjoy the way it feels when your ab muscles hug your ribs. Just. To look The Absolute Best. It is not your face's job to never have a wrinkle. It is not the point of being alive to look glowy all the time. It is not your responsibility to "age beautifully." The point is not to be sinewy and smooth all the time.

I saw a tumblr post the other day about how exhausting it is, and I'm very much paraphrasing here, to have to bow and scrape to the feelings of people who like to wear a cat-eye liner before you're allowed to say anything about makeup or whatever so I'm not going to do that here. We all exist in the world we exist in and make the concessions we make to it, but we also don't get our facials and fillers in a vacuum.

I'm mad! I'm mad at the way this has crept into my brain, when I thought I was reading all those articles and rolling my eyes, or thinking, "the secret is money." I'm angry and I'm sad. You are allowed to be ugly, dull, old, and I hate that this society has made it an exhausting task to simply maintain that knowledge. I am a pretty, white, still young-ish woman with pretty decent self esteem and still at least once a day I have to repeat to myself the mantra, "it is not my job to be as beautiful as possible." This is so fucked up. It's summer! Get some sun, go in the ocean, drink some beers, sweat a bunch, laugh until you cry with your friends. Eat! Run! Dance! Sit around! I don't know! But preserving our skin, which will inevitably decay, isn't it! How dare they? How dare we? How dare anyone make us forget these bodily priorities?? I'm so mad and sad!

[devinescribe]

Knowing You Again

Chapter 6 of '100 Promises'

Chapter 5 | Chapter 7

Warnings: Swearing, bullying, I think that's it, let me know if I missed any

"Wow this place is amazing! So many games!" You awed, amazed by the amount of games and the lights. "Yeah, it's not anything like the one I went to on break, but since I can't take you there yet, I thought here would be good," he explained. "Thank you!" You exclaimed, hugging him and jumping up and down. He laughed, "Ok, ok. Calm down! What game do you want to play first?" You looked around, seeing all the different games, the people rushing from the machines and back. And you saw one that wasn't being used. You lead him over to it. "This one?" You asked. He nodded, and you two began on the game.

You walked into the grand lobby of the hotel, and sat on one of the waiting chairs. You watched in curiosity as people filed in their groups, cheering and laughing. Even if they'd lost a member, they were happy to be alive. A relief that it wasn't them. Maybe it was that everyone here had begun to accept their new reality. It made you smile in the slightest, that not all the people here were weak and useless. "Hey there new girl," someone said from besides you. "Hi Chishiya," you greeted without even turning to look besides you. "Hm? Attentive," he said. You didn't have to look to know he was smirking. "No, your voice is just very distinctive. It's soft, but also a very condescending undertone in it. Give people the illusion you know more than them," you stated, finally looking at him. "The hell did you study in college?" He asked with a laugh. "Major in forensics, minor in psychology. I'm pretty good at psychological mind fucking," you stated. He smiled, looking up. "Mind fucking? That's how I know you're friends with that idiot," he said. "Idiot? Niragi? No way. He studied game programming and engineering, and is 20 times smarter than anyone I've ever met," you said, surprised anyone could call him an idiot. How much did he change in the borderlands? Even then, his intelligence wouldn't have faded. So what did he do? "Hmm... maybe I'll change your opinion. You haven't met someone like me before," he said, looking at you. His eyes stared back into your own. It was like he was seeing into your soul, trying to really read into you. "I like a challenge. Impress me," you stated, a smirk playing on your lips. "Will do. Your friend is up on the roof for his patrol. I'll see you later at the pool. Kuina is quite fond of you. You two get along well," Chishiya said, walking off. You stood up, walking over to the grand stair case.

"I haven't slept in 4 days... gods help me," you groaned, running your hands up through your hair, it getting stuck from the knots. "Fuck me... SUGU! ARE YOU ALIVE?" you yelled. You heard a groan in response. He came out of his room, his hair sticking up every which way, his glasses were crooked on his face, and there were dark eyebags under his eyes. "I think... I think I'm alive..." he said. He was almost falling asleep standing up. "You need to take a nap," you suggested, standing up and walking over to him, yawning and rubbing your eyes. "No, I need to finish my project, you need a nap," he said, as you fixed his glasses. He could see that you were also running on no sleep. The dark eyebags under your eyes, your messed up tangled hair. It was different to say the least. You always looked nice, but college said no, please fuck up your sleep schedule to get this project done for me. Oh, and it a worth 75% of your grade! He hated school, but enjoyed what he was studying. Your projects took longer, and we're a bit gross at times, seeing as you had to take both forensics and psychology classes. "How about coffee instead then? I have a project to finish too..." you said, combing his hair out with your fingers, making it lay flat once more. "That sounds nice..." he muttered, the sensation of you playing with his hair almost making him fall asleep on the spot. "Yeah, I don't think you drinking that many energy drinks is healthy. Or not sleeping for four days. Let me get dressed, fix my hair, and we can head out, yeah?" You scolded at first, softening your tone.

"You look like shit," he insulted as you two walked to a coffee shop. "You're one to talk. When was the last time you washed your hair? Who are you, Snape?" You joked back, knowing his hatred for the character. 'He treated a kid like absolute shit because the kid's dad used to bully him in school. Oh, and his obsession with a girl who just saw him as a friend, but we're not going to talk about it.' He always said that when you asked him about why he hated Snape. It was funny to you because you had never met someone besides yourself that had that much genuine hatred towards a fictional character. "Ew, compare to anyone but him. Anyone," he said, genuinely grossed out by the fact you'd compared him to that character. "You really should take care of yourself more though. I need you to last me my whole life dude," you said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Mhm, if I remember correctly, promise 40 was if we were still 28 and we were single, we'd marry each other," he chuckled. You laughed. "Well, yeah. We keep our promises, you got that?" You said, punching his shoulder. "Ow, what was that for!" He whined, laughing. "I don't know. I don't want to go back to that apartment. I need to stay out of that, school is just... taking a toll on me. When we finish school and get jobs, I hope it's easier... Let's go on an adventure today," you said, leaning onto him. He thought for a bit. His project was almost done, and it was due in three days. He was running on no sleep, 5 energy drinks a day, and the occasional coffee you brought him.. Taking time off for you was worth it. He could finish the project tomorrow. You were worth that and more to him. "Sure what kind of adventure?"

"A little birdie told me you'd be up here," you said once you had opened the door to the roof. He turned around, facing you. "Really? Let me guess, Chishiya?" He stated. . He had his gun slung over his shoulder, and looked around boredly. You nodded. "How was your game?" You asked, going over, and sitting on the edge of the roof. He went over, sitting by you. "It went great. I'm alive, aren't I?" He stated sarcastically. You sighed, seeing as you were right. You had sensed it last night, but now it was more obvious. The games had changed him. For better or worse, you didn't know yet. "Mmm... and are the games any way to treat me differently? Because I'll hit you right now if you say yes," you threatened, glaring at him. He noticed your anger, but he guessed it could also be sadness. He'd left you alone for... how long had you said? 6 months? He didn't remember being gone for that long. Maybe time ran differently in the Borderlands than it did in the real world?

"No, it's not. Just know that I'm not going to act the same around you. I have a reputation here," he said, staring out. A light breeze brushed across the roof. A reputation? Well, you had noticed not many people coming up to talk to you all day. You heard whispers of 'that's the girl Niragi brought in. We should stay away from her.' So you assumed people feared Niragi. But you were curious. You know what they say, Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. "Tell me about it then. Tell me everything that's happened. All the good, all the bad, I want to know. So spill," you said. He sighed. He didn't want to tell you. A part of him was confused about it. He wasn't proud of the things he did, but on the other hand, he wasn't ashamed of them. The only thing stopping him was the fact that you were the only person who's opinion he cared about. The only person he had his whole life who cared about him the way he cared about them. You were the only reason he wasn't completely alone. "You want to know? Why?" He asked, putting up a defensive front. You shook your head, noticing it almost immediately. He had built walls in the games, you could tell. But that wasn't going to stop you. "Because you're my best friend,and I thought you had died. Because I want to know what you've been doing here? How'd you get such a high rank? When did you learn how to shoot? What's your specialty of the card games? Is it fun? Have you killed anyone?" You asked, going off on a small tangent. "Ok... let's do this. I've been playing the games, I got a high rank by playing the games, learned how to shoot here in the borderlands, surprisingly enough it's almost like shooting in a video game, my specialty are diamond games, yes it's extreme fun, and yes I have," he answered. You nodded, leaning your head on his shoulder. You had a suspicion there was worse he'd done, but you didn't want to know. He could keep it to himself until he felt comfortable to tell you. It felt like before, in a way... When you two would sit on the roof of some apartment complex down the street and watch the stars. Where your worries would go away, and you didn't have to worry about being the perfect daughter or the bullies. You were just (Y/N) and Niragi, the two kids. Because that's what you had been. Kids. When everything happened, you were kids. No kids should have been treated like how you two had been treated.

''I can't believe they broke your glasses," you muttered under your breath, brushing his hair out of his face. His bullies had gotten him while you were cleaning the classroom after class. He waited outside, but they decided to rough him up. The had beaten him up pretty badly. You had cleaned up the cuts and blood as much as you could, but it didn't change the fact his glasses were broken."It's fine..." he said, not wanting to look you in the eyes. "It's not fine, Sugu. You need your glasses, and glasses are expensive. Plus your dad..." you trailed off, seeing his hands beginning to shake. "Don't remind me..." he whispered. You hugged him, and whispered back, "You'll be ok. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, (N/N)."

"But I have to. Promise 1, we promise to keep each other safe, remember?"

He sighed, and nodded. You were scared for him. You knew somehow, you'd get roped into it. You looked up at him, seeing him pick at the cement on the roof. "Eventually... we're going to have to go back. We can't stay here the whole night," he said. You frowned. "I don't want to go back. We should run away. Just the two off us."

"(L/N)?" Someone called out from behind you two. You turned to face the person. It was Ann. "Hatter would like to see you... Alone."

[heirs-of-prythian]

I'm sorry, I think the translator translated it wrong :( (I'm going to rephrase the question) I'm so curious ... what was the reaction of Rhys, Cassian, Azriel and Lucien when they discovered they were going to be parents? and what are your feelings when having your babies in your arms for the first time

hi!

thanks for asking! if you have more questions, please ask i would love to answer them!

Well to answer your question we should start with Lucien because from the the four of them he is the first one to be a parent (than Cassian, Rhysand and than Azriel) so…..

Lucien

When Elain told Lucien that she was preggo and he will be a dad, he was pretty stunned and in disbelief,  because at this point they didn't really have planned for children yet.

I mean they definitely discussed children and agreed that they wanted them, like more than 3 if that could happen/if they managed to do so. 

So the news came a little like a shock to lucien, because he didn't thing it would happen that fast, 

Especially since Rhys and feyre are still trying without real results 

i mean He and elain didn't really use protection, because they wanted children and it usually takes a lot of time for fae to actually conceive in the first place but well it happened rather fast lol 

But after the shock (and the guilt) wore off and he was really happy 

Like taking Elain in his arms and twirling her around, showering her in kisses etc

Of course was also pretty worried about being a dad but that is normal for anyone, but also very much expected from someone with luciens upbringing 

(He knew Elain was going to be a great mother) 

But lucien swore to himself that would try to emulate his mother more than his (step)father beron 

He also swore that he would make his future children  never feel like they didn't belong to their family and that they always will have a place of unconditional love and support and adoration  from him

When Hemera was born, Lucien has never fallen in love faster (the other ones in the top spot are is other daughters) 

Of course Elain held Hemera first, but after everything (including elain and Hemera) was cleaned up, they were left alone to be a family of three 

Elain than gave the now sleeping and still slightly red Hemera to Lucien

Lucien felt like flying to New heights and falling without stopping to the ground. And he couldn't take his eyes off of her. 

Hemera was at the most beautiful thing he has ever seen (in lucien's opinion all of his daughters are the most beautiful there is, with elain in close second) 

He also couldn't  believe he was now responsible for this tiny little thing that was completely und utterly dependent on him 

He also found that loving his tiny baby daughter came as easy as breathing 

Never in his life has he been surer of his love for someone else

Caspian

Similar to lucien, cassian was also shocked and in complete disbelief 

He actually asked Nesta with she was kidding (the words came out before he had processed the situation) Nesta got mad at him for that ("This is not the time to be joking cassian!")

Unlike elucien, Nesta and cassian actually have talked about having children together, but Nesta didn't want to be a mother right away, so they agreed to decide later in the future (after a few decades mind you) again if than would the better time have a child. 

They are immortals anyway so it didn't really matter 

Nesta wasn't that thrilled to be a mother but she also didn't hate the idea of one child 

Cassian on the other hand wanted to have children like at least 5 or so but he would never force her for more, also he loves nesta more than the idea of 5 children 

One is actually more than Cassian expected from Nesta so he was very happy about that 

Tl Dr: Cassian and Nesta didn't plan to have child this early (like ~5 years after Hemera which is like 25 years after canon) 

So cassian didn't actually believe nesta when she told him for good 10 minutes 

After he finally realised that he is going to be a father, he was beyond happy he felt like screaming his happiness from the highest mountain 

But it only lasted for like 30 seconds before he realised what that actually meant and than asked nesta if she was ok and how she is handling this and how she felt 

Nesta was pretty out of it and not that ok with it (she didn't hated it the thought about going to be a mom soon, especially since her niece hemera was born she came to fear the idea less and less) 

But after a few days and a lot of encouragement from her sisters and cassian, Nesta grew to be ok with, maybe not entirely loving it, but willing to learn to love it

So when Cassian got to hold Cadan the first time in his arms, he was crying rivers, he cried so much his vision was blurry  and Cadan looked like a blob of color to him.

Tho the first thing he noticed was that cadan was so freaking tiny especially in his big hands 

Cadan wasn't much bigger than his hands 

Cassian had never held a baby so tiny (even Hemera was bigger when she was born, not by much but definitely bigger)

Another thing cassian first thought of is that, that is how unconditional love of a parent to their child feels like. Cassian finally understood something that day 

Also like whispered to cadan softly, that he would protect him Forever and love him forever 

"You're my new most important person now, Cade. You beat your mommy congrats!" *Kiss on the forhead*

Cassian also playfully refused to let cadan go 

Rhysand

Rhys and Feyre have been actively trying to have baby for about 30 years when they finally find out Feyre is pregnant 

They were both crying from happiness and relieve and joy they could do nothing but cry and hug each other the whole night through 

They (mostly feyre because she still isn't 100% used to being immortal so 30 years still feel long to her) actually  were losing hope decade by decade 

(They haven't lost a lot of hope yet, they just started to lose some of it, especially after elain and than nesta of all people got pregnant without even trying)

Like rhys wanted to tell everyone himself that his wife is preggo and that he is going to be a father 

He could barely contain himself

He also could barely stop cuddling or hugging feyre 

Instead of feyre getting clingy rhys got clingy lol

It got on feyre's nerves a little 

Rhys already promised himself to become the best dad possible 

Both because he already loves is future baby and wants everything good for them, but also to compete with lucien and cassian  for the title

So Rhys got to hold his son at exactly midnight of New years eve his son having been born an hour prior 

Rhys had found the love he already had for his tiny little son grow so much it made him speechless and he cried more (Rhys cried when Art was born) 

Rhys didn't know he could someone as much as he loves his tiny newborn son at that moment 

For Rhys holding his son was his new favorite thing to do, just having Art in his arms makes Rhys immeasurably happy 

Art was to Rhys the most beautiful thing in the world, beating feyre right from the top (he is now sharing the top spot with his sisters)

(I also have a fic about Rhys and a newborn Artemas its called "A Little Moon was born" it has far more details of rhys thoughts)

Azriel

When Leda (my oc, Azriels wife for those who don't know) and Azriel were again informed that Leda was pregnant again they were cautiously optimistic 

Because Leda already had two miscarriages at this point and they had been trying for a good 70-60 years 

Well leda was cautiously optimistic azriel not so much, he was already bracing himself for the worst, he only dared to have a small glimmer of hope that all will end well

Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and the baby and Leda were healthy and not in any tangible danger

So leda grew more optimistic and Azriel dared to hope more

And as the pregnancy came closer and closer to its end and all healer agreed that a miscarriage this late and with the baby's and Leda's conditions were highly highly unlikely 

Az could hope more, but he was still bracing himself for the worst

Only when he hurt Echo scream for the first time, did it hit him, that he now was father, that he had a daughter 

Azriel literally fell in love with her the second she was in his arms, 

Az claims that was the best moment in his life, the best feeling even 

He had never seen anything more precious than his tiny adorable echo with her tiny wings and tiny hands and fingers and her tiny feet with her tiny tiny toes and her big amber eyes that stared up at him with a cute curiosity 

"For your happiness, I would do great atrocities, my little wonder." 

(p.s. for the anon who wanted some dad Azriel and baby echo here you go!

[arcanefaye]

I'm currently listening to Clinton Kane, and it's making me so sad :((

i really like 'forget about us' kinda makes me think about my dad, just because i wonder if he's forgotten about us :/

pfftt

anyways!!

i don't have the screenshots but Colton was being really funny in the group chat today, talking about something called "Drinking a gallon of Mtn. Dew then proceeding to pee it out neon green."

doesn't seem healthy... but we cheered him on anyways.

oh, but i wanted Ian to listen to egirls are ruining my life by corpse, and surprisingly he did... but i don't think he liked it;

well no. he walked into my room a few minutes later telling me how dumb it sounded so...

i recommend!!

-- hmm

maybe i should talk about my day? i'm not that great at this.

Well, for starters the day was good! i slept in a bit which was great since i have test coming up and i've been lazy on studying.

i find it ironic that my group and i made a club for studying, yet im still so lazy with it. Margaret and Amanda are great on helping me gain energy to study. which is very sweet of them.

Colton tells me that he pays attention in class but jusr copy's peoples homework lmao (!not a smart move colton)

im actually really hungry - there's food truck down the street and the ice has cleared up a bit so i should see if we can get some tacos or something.

-----------------

UPDATE!

food truck left right as i was about to ask, BUT Ian came home with some Chinese food sooo we had that instead. It tasted a little odd, so i wouldn't be surprised if Ian laced it or something :/

------

can you major in overthinking? cause i definitely coud be CEO of

✨ overthinking ✨

i guess a mini rant rq - tw // insecurities - stress

so... school has gotten stressful lately, and to add onto that Ian and i have been fighting a lot recently. and i hate it. i normally fight with him, but this has been continuous... and i don't want to apologize 'cause it will make me look weak... but it just makes me more insecure with what he says. they're not nice - that's for sure.

he normally has this 'cold' attitude, but it's gotten to a point where it's too much, and it's too much fighting. too much drama.

adding onto that, grandpa has been really sick - meaning he has continuou doctors appointments. but he can't leave the house so the doctor has to come here, and the house was super messy today and i felt bad that he had to see that. especially since idk if it smelled bad... hopefully not.

i spent hours cleaning around the house cause i just felt bad... and Amara was also having a cry fest so i had to help her with that.

idk, i sound whiny... it could definitely be worse. but yea

TW OVER //

i want to tell my friends about this blog - but i'm not sure they'd like it.

oh that reminds me !!

i2iC gets all the news on new kids, but us being sophomores we dont know everything. and all the new kids are normally fre or grades above us. but i don't befriend people grades above or below me, because they somehow always know my brother - and it makes me uncomfortable when they talk about him. my friends thankfully think he's weird and would rather stick a needle in their eye than be friends with him. ... a bit harsh but colton has no filter.

anywho... we've only had one new kid in our grade, and they moved shortly after. BUT !! we have news that there's going to be a new kid in our grade! they're from Korea - so it'll be fun getting to know a foreigner!!

i hope they can atleast be our friend or hang out with us - my group can be chaotic, but we always have a warm spot for new guest!

anyways... i might go read for a bit then sleep.

or update the blog a bit more... other than that,,

see ya! :)

[anxietysroomsupport]

Tw ED> (just a vent) I ate so much tonight and I feel terrible and disgusting just gross. It feels like everytime I eat I'm putting garbage in my body and I'm contaminating me but when I dont eat for a few days I'm fully clean then when I eat a lot (which you probabaly feel it's a regular meal) I feel like a disease and just disgusting. I hate feeling this way but I also dont bc I deserve some type of punishment for being so gross. And the worst part is I can easily choose not to eat but I dont

Tw ED (2/2) I deserve to feel disgusting and hate myself if I'm doing something disgusting. I just eat so much and halloween is coming up and my mom is forcing me to come to a party and there'll be so much food. And the way my sister talks about how I eat and how fat I am and how negatively she uses the word it makes me want to die bc yes I know I'm gross and I'm trying to stop. I dont want fat to be a bad thing in my mind bc it doesnt matter but for me and on me it does and I hate it so much

Tw ed> I shouldnt complain. It's my fault that I feel this way anyway. I'm the one who ate and as much as i did so it's only fair i feel this terrible. If I'd chosen not to put stuff in my mouth I wouldnt be feeling this way, I know I deserve I just hate everything right now. I forgot how many asks I sent just how but the ones with Tw ED> are from me and sorry if I sent a lot. I know you cant do anything so these were just vents, thanks for letting me vent

Hi Anon,

If you take away nothing else from this, just know that every time you eat and take care of yourself, I am cheering you on.  You deserve to eat whenever you want, however much you want, just by existing.  You don’t need to apologize for anything.

Life is messy.  Being “fully clean” isn’t something that can actually happen, because no such state exists.  If we ever did have nothing at all inside of us, we’d be dead.  So, yeah, some foods aren’t great for us, like candy or bacon, but even those serve to provide your body with the calories that it needs to keep functioning.  You should never feel bad for feeding your body what it needs.

Being hungry, needing to eat, does not make someone a disease.  And even when we are gross, disgusting, or whatever else, we still deserve love and care.  We still deserve to eat and meet our own needs.  Yes, you, too.  Because it’s actually incredibly difficult to choose not to eat.  To make that decision is to fight against everything your body is telling you when it’s hungry.  It’s a battle against yourself and you don’t need to fight it.

(tw in the article for short description of historical self-harm)  Here’s an article about how and why we punish ourselves, and how it doesn’t work long term to actually change behavior, AND how it actually hurts our mental health to keep trying.  When you lean into those guilty, worthless feelings because you think you deserve it, you’re punishing yourself for doing something you think was wrong.  Humans have always done this, and will likely continue to do so forever.  But guilt doesn’t serve us if it’s not helping us maintain healthy relationships with our friends, family, or community.  Applying guilt to yourself, for something you did to yourself, that you know you wouldn’t even care if other people did...  well, it’s not helping you, and it is hurting you.

You have not committed any wrongdoing here.  

The things your sister says to you are not true.  You are not gross for eating.  Being fat is not a bad thing.  Fat is beautiful!  Both of you have probably picked up that negative messaging from the culture of conventional beauty standards around you (commercials, magazines, school, hollywood), but it is not the gospel.  Ignoring it isn’t easy, but it can be done with practice.

This article talks about negative feelings towards ourselves, and how we can start to combat that.  Eating disorders are particularly hard to shake, and a therapist or counselor could really help you out here.  Seriously consider bringing this up to your parents or teachers, so they can help you get what you need.  There are links in that article and on our Emergency Resources page.  And while you’re getting that sorted out...

Start getting angry.  F- conventional beauty standards, and f- anyone who tells you it’s not okay to eat.  Curse as much as you like.  Eat what you like.  Be mad about it, because they’re actually the ones causing you all this pain.  They’ve made you think eating is wrong, and that’s messed up!  I’m not even joking, how dare they.  Really.  When you feel that hunger pang, and you start to feel guilty, get mad instead.  Get furious even.  Then eat something and know that with every bite you are dismantling toxic beauty standards and doing something good for yourself despite all odds.  (Be careful though, don’t make yourself sick by eating too fast, because this trick will have your adrenaline pumping.  If you feel absurd and giddy with power, that’s normal.  Lean into that for a hot minute and see how it feels.)

And please come back anytime, even just to vent.  You’re always welcome here.

-Miss Fay

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival -1

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn't exciting enough.... an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

A/N: This all came from a dream i had! It still needs some editing but here we go.... enjoy ⭐️

"You going to be okay? You don't look so good" Natasha asked holding the back of her hand to my forehead "you’re burning up"

"I'll be fine Nat, think its just a stomach bug. I'll get some sleep while you guys are gone and hopefully feel a bit better" i said hoping that i was right, i had been feeling awful since last night.... i had been sick and had the worst stomach cramps of my life that had resulted in me curled up in a fetal position in bed.

"promise me if you feel any worse you'll call Bruce. He’s going to be staying here in his lab"

"I promise" i chuckled as i pulled a blanket over myself "now go kick some ass"

"Okay, i'll come check on you when i get back" she said before leaving me alone in my room.

It had been a couple hours since Nat left and the pain was getting worse but because I'm stubborn i refused to bother Bruce. They would think i was over reacting to a bad case of stomach flu! I managed to get up and walk out to the kitchen to get some water. Suddenly the pain was unlike anything i had felt in my life and i fell to floor with a scream.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y call Bruce please.... i need his help" i cried out to the A.I.

"Yes Ms Y/L/N, right away"

The doors opened seconds later and i heard Steve and Tonys voices chatting casually as they walked into the kitchen.

"Hey guys??.... i think somethings wrong" i managed to say to get their attention, they both stopped and looked over to me on the floor their eyes going wide before running over.

"Y/N!" Steve said reaching me first and kneeling down beside me "what happened?"

"I don't know..... I've not been feeling too great, i thought it was stomach flu...." i stopped to let out another yell and curled up holding my stomach.

"Get her to Banner now!" Tony told Steve, Steve was already scooping me up into his big arms and running to the elevator, Tony following behind him.

As the doors opened Bruce was inside making his way down "whats going on?? F.R.I.D.A.Y told me Y/N needed medical attention" he said looking between us all.

"Somethings wrong with her Bruce" Steve told him as i cried into his shirt.

"it hurts so bad...." i told him squeezing my eyes tight.

"Okay sweetie, we're nearly at the lab i'll take care of you. Give you something for the pain" Bruce said softly from beside me.

Steve was soon carrying me into the medical bay, Bruce walking ahead of us slightly.

"Put her on the bed, I'm gonna run a full body scan see if it picks up on anything unusual" Bruce said to Steve pulling over a machine that he had used on all of us at some point over the years. While it scanned he went over to grab some morphine and a syringe ready to give me some release from the pain.

"Just relax, Bruce will help with the pain any second.... he’s gonna help you" Steve said softly brushing my hair out of my face.

"I cant believe you didn't tell us how bad you were feeling! We would've had someone stay with you" Tony said rolling his eyes at you. Tony treated you more like the little sister he never had and he was pissed that you had kept it to yourself.

"Im sorry T, i was just going to sleep it off and hopefully feel better. But its so much worse..... is it bad? Am i dying?" I asked feeling myself panicking, it had to be bad to feel like this.

"Im sure you’re not dying kid" he said with a scoff shaking his head at the thought. Tony looked over at Bruce who was looking at the screens showing my scans, he dropped the syringe and morphine on the floor as a look of horror spread on his face as he looked up at us all.

"What.... what is it?" I asked quickly feeling my heart start to race.

"Erm.... i...."

Tony huffed and walked over to look himself being as Bruce couldn't get his words out. Seconds later his eyes went wide, his jaw literally dropped in shock.

"Guys! What the fuck is it???.... Steve?" I asked turning to look at him for answers. He walked over to Bruce and Tony and looked at the screen "is that....?" He asked looking at the 2 older men, they both started nodding and Steves head turned to me so quickly i thought he might get whiplash!

"You’re.... pregnant!" Steve stated, I swear i felt my heart stop! That was crazy!! It was impossible!!

"Stop fucking with me guys and tell me the truth! This isn't funny!!" I cried.

"Im not lying, Y/N you’re pregnant" Steve said slowly walking over to me.

"Fuck off!! Do i look pregnant to you?!!" I screamed as another cramp rolled through my stomach. I hadn't changed in size at all i couldn't be pregnant!!

"Your machine is broken Bruce!" I yelled at him "I'm not pregnant! Its impossible!"

"Y/N i don't know what to say, the machine isn't broken.... look" he turned it round to show me and thats when i saw it. I swear my heart stopped as i saw the image on the screen "and it would seem you’re in labour!" Bruce said with wide eyes, the room started spinning and went black......this wasn't happening!!

(3rd person)

"Y/N??..... Bruce, somethings happened!" Steve said rushing to her side.

"Shes just passed out, she'll be okay"

"How can she be pregnant?? Is she even seeing anyone??" Tony asked looking on in shock.

"I don't think so, Steve do you know if shes seeing anyone?" Bruce asked scratching his head still looking dumbfounded by this development.

"How would i know?" Steve replied with wide eyes.

"Well you two have always been...close...." Tony started to say.

"Its crazy, i mean look at her she doesn't look pregnant... she was right about that much. And its full term.... the baby is healthy... just small. The placenta is at the front which would explain why she hasn't felt any movement..." Bruce was muttering while looking over at the screen again.

"I cant imagine what she must be feeling right now.... kid must be terrified" Tony said shaking his head "I'm gonna call Romanov, see if she can get back here. Y/N would want her here" Tony said walking out of the medical room.

I slowly opened my eyes and remembered where i was, and why i was here! As another contraction rolled through my stomach i let out a loud cry, Steve grabbed ahold of my hand and tried to calm me down as it eventually passed.

"Hey....you’re okay, I'm here. We'll get through this together" he said with a reassuring smile while squeezing my hand.

"I feel like i need to push....." I suddenly said looking terrified of what i was about to face.

"Y/N, i need to take a look, see how far dilated you are.... is that okay?" Bruce asked looking very uncomfortable about it. He was very much out of his comfort zone on this one! I nodded quickly just wanting it over with now. Bruce put a blanket over my legs to make sure i wasn't exposed to everyone and removed my shorts before placing my legs up.

"Oh shit...." he said standing up looking as white as a ghost.

"What?" I cried looking even more panicked if that was possible!

"Its just a lot further along than i had anticipated! I...I can see the head!"

"Banner move!" Tony said suddenly pushing Bruce aside and taking control of the situation "Okay sweetie I'm gonna need you to push" Tony told me.

"Maybe i should wait outside....." Steve said feeling like he shouldn't be in here for this.

"No!! Steve, i need you" I cried holding his hand tighter "please stay!"

"Okay. okay I'm here" he moved me forward enough so that he could sit behind me and took hold of both my hands "Okay Y/N you can do this.... push!" He said comfortingly in my ear.

Hours passed, It felt like time had stopped, just constant pain that wasn't going anywhere.

"Good girl, you’re almost there!" Tony soothed me as best he could "Bruce get a blanket".

"I cant do this anymore" I cried resting my head back against Steve's chest feeling utterly defeated.

"You are so close sweetheart, one more big push and it will all be over i promise"  Tony said from the bottom of the bed.

"Come on doll, you can do this! On three, one big push" Steve said squeezing my hands, I nodded and braced myself to bare down one more time. I squeezed Steves hands so hard that i probably would have broken the bones of a normal man and let out a blood curdling scream. The room was suddenly filled with a cry that wasn't mine.

"oh my god! Y/N, its a girl!" Tony said happily, seconds later he was placing the baby on my chest for me to see giving us skin to skin contact.

"Im just gonna clean her up and i'll bring her right back okay?" Tony promised before taking the tiny baby and walking over to where Bruce was stood.

"Oh my god..... Steve, did you see her??" I cried looking up at him.

"I did! She's perfect" he beamed down at me with tears running down his face  "you did so good" Steve pressed a kiss to the top of my head as Tony and Bruce came back over with the baby bundled in a yellow blanket and placed her back in my arms.

"Congratulations momma" Tony smiled.

"I cant believe this is happening..... she's so beautiful" I cried brushing a finger over my daughters tiny cheek.

"Well this wasn't how i was expecting to spend my evening" Tony said letting out a deep breath and slumping into the chair beside me.

"Well that makes two of us T!" I said shaking my head, still in shock that i had just given birth to a healthy baby girl!

"I don't even have anything for her....."

"I'll sort that out don't you worry about a thing" Tony smiled.

"So i hate to be the one to ruin the moment, but who's the father?" Bruce asked the question they all wanted to know the answer to and gave a suspicious look to Steve.

"Shes not mine! Why do you keep looking at me like that??" Steve said to him, his cheeks flushed at the fact Bruce and Tony thought he'd been intimate with me.

"I think i should tell him before anyone else" I stated not taking my eyes off my baby girl. I was already dreading having this conversation, it was a big enough shock to me let alone the father!