#I hate being here I should be greatful it's clean and I'm healthy but I'm so depressed

[sensitivegoblin]

I don't like this house.

Vent below

[superfallingstars]

Playlist for Snupin dancing in the kitchen?

(from Remus-poopin btw)

send me playlist prompts! please i still want them!

Gnjfhfjjdkfjsk this is like the ideal playlist ask THANK YOU

This is a playlist of warm and sunny 60s/70s/80s songs to dance and cook to, with a healthy amount of (slightly complicated) love songs. I'm gonna go thru this song by song because as per usual I have shit to say

Track list:

Todd Rundgren - Can We Still Be Friends?: so Snupin is kinda an enemies-to-lovers thing, right? So this lovely little song – "Let's admit we made a mistake, but can we still be friends?" – is rather fitting. Also I just love Todd Rundgren and his warm jazzy 70s piano songs, he makes great kitchen music.

Laura Nyro - Stoned Soul Picnic: I'm going to need to remove the phrase "warm jazzy 70s piano songs" from my vocabulary by the end of this, but that's exactly what this song is. Also I'm just a huge Laura Nyro fan and looking for an excuse to talk about her. Unrelated but also she looks like how I imagine Eileen Prince

The Cleaners from Venus - Lukewarm Love Song: IMO this is the best song on this playlist. Like I mentioned in the Remus playlist ask, The Cleaners from Venus (with their adorable jazzy lo-fi jangle pop songs) are peak Remus to me. This song is one of my favorites of theirs and imo fits the Snupin dynamic very well. The lyrics are SO ambiguous in the best way possible: "I would not be with you unless I wanted to" could be a comforting reassurance if that person is, well, with you, but if you're in a complicated enemies-to-lovers situationship, it might mean something else...! In this context, I read it as someone (let's be real probably Snape) convincing themselves that they don't like the other person, even though they are with them, and they do call them, and they think about them all the time (as the rest of the lyrics go)... and maybe THEN they realize that they're doing all of this because they want to. You done gone and fell in love idiot!

Shira Small - My Life's Alright: Ok I just have to say this album is amazing, this is Shira Small's only album and she made it in college and it's just the loveliest most comforting jazzy 70s thing in the world and I love it so much that I transcribed all the lyrics on Genius and it's great. To me this song is about slowing down and noticing the small things and being grateful for being alive and dancing in the kitchen and I like it!!!!

Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London: I like to imagine that Snape antagonizes Lupin with this song but Lupin begrudgingly enjoys it. I should finish that comic I started about this

Todd Rundgren - Izzat Love?: another W for Todd Rundgren and his warm jazzy 70s love songs

Shira Small - Here I Stand: A lovely little song of platonic or romantic devotion that also is surprisingly matter-of-fact. Here I stand with you but also you need to make up your mind about whether you want to enjoy life or not. Aka Lupin @ Snape

Orange Juice - Falling and Laughing: This is just kinda of one of the best love songs ever, I don't make the rules

The Replacements - Swingin' Party: This is very, we're cleaning up after everyone's gone home from the party but the music is still on and we're not quite sober yet. Also "if being afraid is a crime, we hang side by side" ?!!!! screaming crying throwing up

Ronnie D'Addario - Nice Meeting You Again: I think this song is very fun in the context of two people who met a long time ago and fucking hated each other. "With every day, I see the way our love's brand new again" – CUTE.

Thank you so much for this ask and letting me gush about all of these songs. I have such brainrot for this ship. Hopefully this playlist shows the dynamic I'm going for and doesn't just make me look insane 👍

[dungeon-gerard]

I thought of posting this on my main but I don't really want that blog attracting pro ed content so I thought it be best here.

I don't even eat weirdly anymore. I haven't binged in months (bc I stopped the negative thoughts abt food, took a few months but its safe to say im clean) I'm healthier now, maybe even a little slimmer, because I dont have the side effects of starving anymore. I think I can say it's ended for a good 6 months now. There's just little things that remind me of it.

So, it might sound weird considering I'm recovered, but I have a thinsp0 folder. I didn't have that during the ed, I did it on pinterest but now I save pictures into a hidden file to use as thinsp0. I barely look at them, only when I add a new photo, but still, it proves it's still there.

If that doesn't strike you as strange, then what if I say I also saved pictures of my friends there. I use ppl I know as thinspo. I wonder about my friends eating habits and sometimes edge the conversation on to get them to share me details in a way that sounds natural. Well, its not malicious, but it's fueled by something they don't understand, and would likely feel upset if they were to know.

I should feel ashamed, but really, they should be flattered I aspire to look like them.

I love the eating disorder headcanon, I use it a lot. I never would have if I didn't have an ed before. I understand the desire to not eat, which I didn't understand before my ed. I didn't have any thoughts on food really, so I'm actually thankful I had that experience.

I'd like to add to that, my ed was mild in comparison to others, to other people I know. I don't use the term all the time, but for the sake of words I call what I had an eating disorder though internally I understand it was disordered eating, and a negative mindset. Bad but nothing compared to what some people have gone through.

Also, I try to keep healthy nowadays. I should exercise more, I want to do it not to hurt myself but cause it feels good and also makes me look slimmer. For example if you want your arms to look thinner lift weights cause they will look so much better afterwards. I want to lift again.

Now, a rant abt the thin aesthetic I like

Some people are so slim and oh it looks so good on them. I want that too. I also want to be taller, what's the deal with me being 5'4? That's boring. I should be 5'9. (This may be bc my best friend is rlly short and we both like the tall short dynamic) Tall and thin. Just like.. other ppl I know. Yeah, and small boobs. It would be GREAT if they couldn't be noticed with a t shirt on. I desperately want to have such small breasts that I don't have to wear a bra with cups. Also, androgyny. I think some people relate to that. Hell, I'm cis but I enjoy the aura of androgyny some people possess. I desire it greatly. Not to say I'm dissatisfied with my appearance, I'm recovered and fine with how my body fits, but oh, it could be just a bit slimmer. Like her. Like him. Hey friend, what kind of things do you eat? What have you eaten today? The whole day, I'm just curious. Do you go out often? Do you exercise?

You're uh.. really thin.. it's nice. Stay like that, stay like that for me.

I'm never posting one of these again I swear I hate the ed community sm

This is no beta read btw, just exactly what my mind threw out without thinking

[mrbexwrites]

Sibling Q&A Tag

Tagged by @spideronthesun here- thank you <3 Leaving an open tag for anyone else who'd like to do this, as my brain is not working at the moment 😅 I was going to answer this for my Memento Mori siblings, but the questions fit Mavis & Connor best!

1. Who looks the most like Dad?

Connor: Mavis. Mavis: We're twins. I feel like we both have a lot of his features. Unfortunately. Connor: You more than me, though. You have his frown, and you wear it all the time. Mavis:...

2. Who looks the most like mom?

Both: Colleen. Connor: She definitely takes after Mum. She got her eyes, which definitely helps.

3. Who eats the most?

Mavis: Connor. You've put some weight on, recently. Maybe time t cut down. You've got a wedding suit to squeeze into. Connor: Don't fat-shame me! I've been stress eating, and Hadley says my having a tummy means that there's more for me to love!

4. Who has been in the weirdest situations?

Connor: Mavis. 100% Mavis. I mean...you've met her right? She's pretty effed-up.

5. Who sleeps the most?

Mavis: Connor. He lies in bed well past sunrise most days. Connor: Some of us just sleep a normal eight hour night, and can't survive on whatever sleep they can snatch. Mave, getting less than four hours of sleep per night isn't healthy!

6. Most stable romantic life?

Both in unison: Connor.

7. Worst habit of each one?

Connor: Mavis has a lot of unaddressed anger issues. She's going to need a lot of therapy. She likes to horde tins of food, but I think that's a trauma response. She doesn't use her words to tell us how she's feeling, she'll just sulk and lash out, expecting us to know what's wrong with her. She's pretty grumpy most of the time. But she does like to keep thins neat and tidy....a little too neat and tidy. Like 'everything has a place' tidy. So, yeah... Mavis: ... Mavis: Connor chews with his mouth open.

8. Who's the most dramatic?

Connor: Mavis Mavis: Connor. Connor: Wait...! What?! How am I the most dramatic? Mavis: You cried when you got punched in the face. Connor: That's not being dramatic! That's being in pain! You're the dramatic one! You blew up an art gallery just because Arnauld was in it! Mavis: That's not dramatic. That's being thorough. Connor:...

9. Who had a weird phase?

Mavis: Connor. He went through his emo phase. With a stupid fringe and lip piercing. The long chain hanging from his jeans. The poetry! Connor: It was a phase! yes, it was super cringe, but who wasn't a total little weirdo when they were 13 years old?

10. Best cook of the family?

Connor: Mum. 100% Mum. She bakes her own bread, makes her own yoghurt. She can take anything and turn it into a banquet. Honestly, you should come round. She'll never see someone go away hungry.

11. Best memory together?

Mavis: That day we went fishing in the river, and you caught a fish. I helped you reel it in. Connor: We were five or six. That's your favourite memory of us? Mavis: *shrugs*

12. Worst memory together?

Connor: There was this one time when Mavis kidnapped me, and took me to our father. He tortured me. That wasn't great.

13. Dream trip together

Connor: Pretty much anywhere. We've been apart for most of our childhood. Maybe a camping trip so that we can have proper time spent in nature, bonding, reminiscing... Mavis: I'd rather go to Hell than go on a holiday with you.

14. Would you rather not be able to shower for a month or have the same clothes for a month?

Connor: Shower. I'd hate not being able to shower. I want to be cleeean! I could always air out my clothes, or spray them with deoderant to try to mask the smell. But I want me to be clean and fresh. Mavis: I not fussed. Done both, if I'm honest. No-one complained. Connor: It's a good thing that smell isn't something that can travel over our psychic link...!

15. Who's the older one?

Connor: Mavis. But only by a couple of minutes.

16. Role model?

Connor: Arnauld. He's so cool, and has shaped me into the man I am today. Followed closely by Gary. Mavis: Father.

17. Who usually has the worst ideas?

Mavis: Connor. He's an idiot. Connor: Says the person who blew up an art gallery !!

18. A GIANT insect is on the wall, who's taking care of it?

Both: Mavis. Connor: I'm squemish. Mavis will get it. Mavis: He usually begs for me to just trap it and throw it outside. It's easier to kill it, but he usually asks nicely, and I'm trying to be a better person, so I'll just scoop it into my hand, and throw it out a window.

[hetalia-club]

I just have to spill my thoughts here for a second about my personal life for my own sanity. feel free to happily ignore and scroll by.

Good news everyone :D I just dumped my toxic emotionally abusive boyfriend. Terrible News everyone! :DDDD He was also my best friend and childhood best friend so isn't that great!? :)))

We were supposed to go to Sicily together in May...Why did I DO THAT!? I spent 2k on my plane ticket...the room is reserved... Do I like just not go to Italy now? Do I say F it and just go by myself? Do I try and quickly beg someone else to go with me who's okay with spending at least 2k on a plane ticket? Which would be no one in my life, maybe my parents would but idk what they got going on. I really wanted to go. Why could I have like just not waited until after that? We share a friend group and they are all more his friends than mine. So I just like isolated myself for no reason.

Sorry to dump this here and no I don't expect any of you to have the answers or do anything with this information.

These past few weeks for me have been really rough and I just made it somehow worse.

He distanced me from all my former friends who have all like moved on and have families and whatever and who I have not spoken to in five years so all I have right now is my family and work 'friends' I don't even like. I'm going to have to live with my parents for who knows how long because it was his house he had all the money in our relationship. He convinced me to quit my good desk job with benefits to work part time as a barista so I could clean his house and cook for him. But he also put up with all my weirdness and was fine with it.

Like when I say I have no idea what to do I truly mean that.

again I don't want anyone to feel responsible to do something about how I royalty screwed up my life. It's no ones fault. I shouldn't have let him isolate me so much from my friends and former life but TOO LATE NOW! I just need to stop being with men who have brown hair and brown eyes but are objectively terrible.

My only silver lining is that I was the one to end it. Which if anything am proud of myself for that because I have never broken up with anyone before and I normally just deal with whatever people do to me no matter how terrible and mean they are. I just have always forgiven him and everyone else.

But when some dude bro sits you down and asks you to "List reasons why you deserved to be loved by him" it was just too much. Like that might seem petty but I am sick of being the 'pretty girlfriend' I am so tired of having to dress to the 9s to go out and be expected to be perfect even if we're just going to a F*ng dive bar where I get stared out for dressing like I'm going to a club. Where he gets to look like a diarrhea stain who can't be bothered to wear a shirt that's not wrinkled or shave his scraggly beard. Why he thinks I should make a list of MY worth as a human being in his eyes. When he is average at best!? Like I'm not a 10 I'm not perfect I'm not delusional, I don't think I'm the hottest girl in the world or gods gift to man kind. But I'm out of his league, I do know that!

I always tend to cling to Hetalia harder when my life is falling apart around me because that's sort of just what I've done since I was a teen. I've never been in a healthy relationship with someone who actually likes me and Hetalia has always been there for me. Which is why I have been making a lot of content lately, it's been a distraction and I'm sorry if I've been bugging people with how much I've been posting. That's not been my intentions its just my coping mechanism and it's better than drinking...

This is the only social media I have that he's not on. I don't hate him enough to block him. I do still want to try and be his friend at some point if that's possible. I love his family and they love me and it's going to be so upsetting to see them again from a different perspective.

I'm okay...It's just been really rough lately...And I somehow just made it worse.(No I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone, don't even worry about that.)

[qqueenofhades]

One of my friends keeps trying to get me to watch Top Gun and I honestly just can’t, it makes be feel awful and the military propaganda and glorification there, especially as an american myself (the friend in question isn’t) it just is something I have an active desire to NOT watch even as a good friend who really loves the movie is trying to get me to.

It’s military propaganda. That’s flat out what it is. A different friend, her dad literally joined the military right after high school BECAUSE of the first movie. It sits so wrong with me. The movie makes the military have a great, clean reputation and be the shining beacon of American patriotism, the movie literally worked with the department of defence and thanked them in the credits, and it was a massive reputation boost to the military. You can look at statistics and see skyrocketing enlistment rates after the movie was released. That was the POINT of the movie, and I hate it.

It makes me feel really bad, though, because I’m a massive proponent of people being able to read/watch stuff and enjoy it even if it IS problematic and honestly, I’ve gotten frustrated at people refusing stuff because they don’t agree with parts of it. One of the big instances that comes to mind is a friend of mine who refused to watch the Hannibal TV show because it had a “problematic and highly inaccurate portrayal of the main character being supposedly autistic and it’s an insult to actual autistic people” and that’s barely even a part of the show. It’s implied by a few lines of dialogue but that’s it. Similarly, I’ve known people refuse to watch or read other stuff because it has unhealthy romantic relationships or toxic friendships. That goes for a lot of stuff- shows and books and movies like that are meant for entertainment and aren’t supposed to be the gold standard that you hold all other stuff up to. Something like IWTV is meant to be a horrible relationship but you’re not supposed to take it as something real and healthy. Anyway rant aside, you should be able to enjoy so called “problematic” media while still acknowledging that it’s problematic. When you start making your opinion about it into a big issue or telling other people they shouldn’t watch it because it’s wrong, that’s when everyone has a problem.

That being said, I now feel like a massive hypocrite for then refusing to watch Top Gun because I don’t agree with it and don’t like the content. Don’t get me wrong, I employ the “just don’t watch it” method to great effect with a lot of content but I have a much bigger problem here when it’s a really good friend of mine trying to get me to watch it and I don’t know how to justify it to them beyond “because I don’t want to and I don’t agree with it” because I don’t want to hurt them, either, even if it’s not something I should have to justify.

I mean, you're not being a hypocrite at all, really? You subscribe to the idea that people should watch what they want and that if you or anyone else doesn't want to see it, you have the right to refuse engagement with that content without making it everyone else's problem. This might be a little more delicate because obviously it's your friend and you don't want to hurt their feelings, but there's nothing wrong with politely explaining that you're uncomfortable with it for the reasons stated and this absolutely doesn't reflect on your feelings for them. In turn, it’s their responsibility to react maturely and be like "okay, I get it, let's find something else to watch together." But that's for them to control, and you can only do your part.

This is likewise something I've been dealing with myself, in terms of rewatching old media that for one reason or another is considered Problematic TM. Like, I'm currently rewatching Brooklyn 99, and that was not before I spent a while wondering whether I wanted to engage with it again at all; I put off watching the final season for a long time after 2020, and there is still something uncomfortable about making a wacky comedy aimed at liberals that is still, especially in the early seasons, just WILD copaganda. Like, insanely so. They did adjust and reflect in later seasons, which is good, but still. The NYPD is basically a domestic terrorist organisation in some ways, it has a budget larger than some countries' militaries, it inflicts real violence on a lot of NYC residents, etc etc... so do I, a person who obviously supports police reform and accountability, and systematic social justice, want to engage that in my free time?

After duly considering this, I am still rewatching old episodes of the show, I still find it largely funny, and I am able to recognise that this is a fictional sitcom filmed by actors in the Universal Studios backlot in California and thus is not actually contributing to the real-life NYPD's actions in hurting real people. I do need to have that critical distinction in mind, and to recognize the questions/issues that it raises, but because I am a grownup and capable of doing so, I can still engage with this media in a way that both acknowledges the social implications of the fictional setting and does not leap to immediately equivocating it with reality. Because, well. It's not.

I share this to help give you an ethical framework if you do decide that you should watch Top Gun to please your friend. Yes, it is straight up 80s Reaganite military propaganda, you are not comfortable with that or its real-world effects, and you absolutely do reserve the right, as noted above, to politely and personally reject engagement with it. But it's also not real, it is not directly perpetrating the injustices and brutalities of the American military on real-life people at this very instant, and you can watch it without having to feel that you've betrayed your own principles or you're now personally supporting war crimes or whatever the most insane maximalist Terminally Online take may now be. You do have to think about it critically as a piece if propaganda and what it wants to do and etc., but obviously you're already doing that. So yes. It's up to you whether you want to watch the film to please your friend, or to just politely be like "no thanks," and either way, it's entirely valid.

[k--havok]

So the other day at my therapist appt I was telling her how I cannot finish anything to save my life (except, like... cooking and work-related things) and how, especially when it comes to my writing, its just incredibly frustrating.

The thing is, it really does frustrate me when it comes to writing. But it also affects everything else in my life; from doing chores and cleaning things to other hobbies. It's hard for me to get started, and even when I start, I cannot seem to finish things.

(and I say this as I type this next to a pile of folded laundry on my couch that needs to be put away. It would not take long to put it away. Maybe 10 minutes. But alas.)

Now I do not have a/d/h/d. But I have many symptoms of it and unfortunately it has been incredibly difficult for me to get help for my symptoms as doctors, therapists, and others insist I should get tested again and want to prescribe me pills I do not want to take.

But. Finally. It took over 2 years, but I have finally found a therapist and professional who sees that I am struggling and instead of putting me into a box and slapping a label on me, is getting to the root cause.

I don't usually talk about it much, but I don't have a/d/h/d because I have a T/B/I. And it affects everything.

Anyways, it's not just a motivation barrier that stops me from doing and finishing things. I'm great at stopping things when I am about 3/4s the way through or almost done with something and then just not picking it up again and not finishing it.

Sure, things I hate end up here. Like the folded laundry. But it affects my WIPs. It affects me when I try and play most video games (except online/live games). It affects TV shows, reading, painting, art, and even my weight-loss has been sabotaged by this. I have been working on getting down to a healthy weight for years now and have stopped at 10-15lbs from my goal weight. I'm not platueing. I know what I need to do. I just stopped those healthy good habits and now cannot pick them back up. It's bizarre.

I've known I'm neurodivergent for a long time but it was always something I read other people talk about and listen to. I never really used the word for myself and never had other people, from doctors to friends, also use the word for me. It's either all about pills and definite treatment options from the professionals. And from friends in the past, it was always a pissing contest about how they have it so much worse. (Who can take the most pills, go to the most dr appointments, who needs to be hospitalized, who has the most diagnoses, both real and self-dxed... etc.)

For the first time though, my therapist used it to describe what I was going through. And it felt... I dunno. Like I'm not faking things. Like my struggles actually matter. That I did not have to be put in a box and told that since I do not have X there is nothing to do about Y and Z symptoms. The first answer, for once, wasn't pills. Which was nice.

Anyways, the reason I am posting this long-winded, rambling post onto my writeblr blog and not my personal is, for the first time, I do not feel guilty for not finishing things. I got the dopamine release from working on the journey, which is my favorite part. I like working on things and being busy. If I come to a stopping point, if I finish, then the most fun part of writing for me--the actual writing--is at a stopping point. And then I have to do what I don't like to do much, which is edit.

For years, I called it writer's block. But that was never really what it was. Because I know what happens next. I know what I want to write. I just could not get my fingers to the keyboard.

I still don't have an exact word or phrase to describe why I cannot finish things. But now I know what it stems from, know why I perform this behavior, and know tricks to get around this part of myself to start being able to finish things.

I want to finish the first novella of Soft Touches, Godless Hands by the end of this year. Maybe it'll happen. maybe not. But I am tired of comparing myself to others and punishing myself for not living up to my own expectations.

I jump around to different WIPs not just because I like to have a different flavor of the week, but to keep things fresh. Interesting. To try different things. Because I love trying new things. Another important factor of my life that affects everything.

It may make my projects and blog harder to follow, that is true. But I write for myself first and foremost. My blog is a way to organize thoughts and jot down quick headcanons and flesh out my stories.

As long as I can follow along to what I am doing, that's all that matters.

[atiny-piratequeen]

Sorry to vent my life frustrations at you - so I am usually a really active person (probably more mentally than physically) anyways I know my biggest flaws are being a workaholic and overacheiver. I will honestly spend a solid 14-16 hours at work 6-7 days a week because I love my job and I thrive in knowing I am one of the best in the country. In my time off I usually study Korean (I teach myself) and I also study crime stuffs. I go surfing, take the dog out or think of better ways to do things at work - tbh betteribg myself at work occupies 99% of my brain. It sounds great but the past week I have been really struggling. I still keep up my work but I find I am only doing 8-10 hour shifts because I feel so mentally tired. Then when I go home I feel like I should be studying or doing something productive so I try to study or cook or clean and I just dont. I lay in bed and read one of your fics or just scroll aimlessly on my phone and then I hate myself afterwards for not doing it. It is like my brain was firing a million miles an hour and suddenly it just doesnt want to 😭😭 and I dont know how to fix myself or how to get my brain to fire back up again 😭

Okay. Whew.

So first, im gonna preface anything im about to say by stating i am not a psychiatrist or therapist, i am in no way qualified to like. Actually go into a full unpack of everything here. Im just some random 25 year old on a blue hellsite but like.

You're gonna work yourself into the ground, fam. 14-16 hour shifts (out of a 24 hour day????) 6-7 days a week is not healthy imo. Its entirely too much of a workload and I'm not sure what your working conditions are (or labor laws, for that matter) thats got you working 7 days at the same place with no break in between-

But thats like. A lot. I understand some people are workaholics, and there's nothing wrong with that, in moderation. Your life should not revolve around your workplace. Your workplace should not, in my merry little opinion, take up so much of your brain space that you have an adverse reaction to having more time off to yourself.

Im kind of worried about you, chief, im not gonna lie. I dont know if you sent this asking for advice (again, im not a professional im just some donut) or just to vent but i truly believe it could do you well to find a way to establish a healthy mentality with time off. You're a person, not a machine, and you dont need to spend every.waking.moment. doing something "productive". Work hard, but know when its time to just relax and recharge your batteries.

Even the best of the best know when its time to kick back and take a rest.

[heylabodega]

A few weeks ago, I got out of a cold shower on a hot day, the best treat in the world and began, as one does, vigorously rubbing my face with a soft clean towel--an additional treat, which feels like buffing, exfoliating. And it popped into my head, unbidden: the skincare article I'd read the day before that mentioned offhand and matter-of-factly that of course you should pat, never rub, your face dry to prevent wrinkles.

And I got.

So mad.

All of a sudden, I got so so angry. At the way we talk about our bodies and our faces and what we do to and with them. I'm building on a great deal of thinking about skincare, "wellness", optimization of self, gamification of the body, biohacking, etc, but jesus god. Everything--it must be said, for both men and women but particularly for women--is sold and talked about and centered around the idea that you should look as young, shiny, poreless, flawless, effortless as possible at all times for as long as possible.

Apply this skincare in this order! Eat these foods! Take these supplements! Sleep on your back, using this pillowcase! Don't drink or eat sugar, it breaks down collagen. Don't miss sleep, it dulls your skin. I even read a thing that said that FYI long distance running over time might make you look older because it increases gravity on your face. Distance running! The thing I love most of all! And for a minute I thought, oh no, I have to stop.

I tried to express this to someone recently and she said, "and, objectively, you and I both have very good skin," and we do but that's very much not the point. I don't know how to say this. It's not that I don't use moisturizers and Differin and love how much sweating makes my skin glow. It's not that I don't understand how beauty and/or a certain good genetics/wealth sheen can positively affect your personal and professional lives. It's not even the fucked up fact that this healthy youthful skin can be, for at least 50 or so years, purchased by first topical treatments and then minor surgical ones. It's--it's the goal. It's the assumed objective of youth forever, of dedicating every moment, every thought, every dollar, to being hot but not even in a visceral, sensual, sexy way. Like the goal is to look the Absolute Best, Always, but not even to get love or sex or affection. To be fit and muscly but not to run fast or play sports or enjoy the way it feels when your ab muscles hug your ribs. Just. To look The Absolute Best. It is not your face's job to never have a wrinkle. It is not the point of being alive to look glowy all the time. It is not your responsibility to "age beautifully." The point is not to be sinewy and smooth all the time.

I saw a tumblr post the other day about how exhausting it is, and I'm very much paraphrasing here, to have to bow and scrape to the feelings of people who like to wear a cat-eye liner before you're allowed to say anything about makeup or whatever so I'm not going to do that here. We all exist in the world we exist in and make the concessions we make to it, but we also don't get our facials and fillers in a vacuum.

I'm mad! I'm mad at the way this has crept into my brain, when I thought I was reading all those articles and rolling my eyes, or thinking, "the secret is money." I'm angry and I'm sad. You are allowed to be ugly, dull, old, and I hate that this society has made it an exhausting task to simply maintain that knowledge. I am a pretty, white, still young-ish woman with pretty decent self esteem and still at least once a day I have to repeat to myself the mantra, "it is not my job to be as beautiful as possible." This is so fucked up. It's summer! Get some sun, go in the ocean, drink some beers, sweat a bunch, laugh until you cry with your friends. Eat! Run! Dance! Sit around! I don't know! But preserving our skin, which will inevitably decay, isn't it! How dare they? How dare we? How dare anyone make us forget these bodily priorities?? I'm so mad and sad!

[devinescribe]

Knowing You Again

Chapter 6 of '100 Promises'

Chapter 5 | Chapter 7

Warnings: Swearing, bullying, I think that's it, let me know if I missed any

"Wow this place is amazing! So many games!" You awed, amazed by the amount of games and the lights. "Yeah, it's not anything like the one I went to on break, but since I can't take you there yet, I thought here would be good," he explained. "Thank you!" You exclaimed, hugging him and jumping up and down. He laughed, "Ok, ok. Calm down! What game do you want to play first?" You looked around, seeing all the different games, the people rushing from the machines and back. And you saw one that wasn't being used. You lead him over to it. "This one?" You asked. He nodded, and you two began on the game.

You walked into the grand lobby of the hotel, and sat on one of the waiting chairs. You watched in curiosity as people filed in their groups, cheering and laughing. Even if they'd lost a member, they were happy to be alive. A relief that it wasn't them. Maybe it was that everyone here had begun to accept their new reality. It made you smile in the slightest, that not all the people here were weak and useless. "Hey there new girl," someone said from besides you. "Hi Chishiya," you greeted without even turning to look besides you. "Hm? Attentive," he said. You didn't have to look to know he was smirking. "No, your voice is just very distinctive. It's soft, but also a very condescending undertone in it. Give people the illusion you know more than them," you stated, finally looking at him. "The hell did you study in college?" He asked with a laugh. "Major in forensics, minor in psychology. I'm pretty good at psychological mind fucking," you stated. He smiled, looking up. "Mind fucking? That's how I know you're friends with that idiot," he said. "Idiot? Niragi? No way. He studied game programming and engineering, and is 20 times smarter than anyone I've ever met," you said, surprised anyone could call him an idiot. How much did he change in the borderlands? Even then, his intelligence wouldn't have faded. So what did he do? "Hmm... maybe I'll change your opinion. You haven't met someone like me before," he said, looking at you. His eyes stared back into your own. It was like he was seeing into your soul, trying to really read into you. "I like a challenge. Impress me," you stated, a smirk playing on your lips. "Will do. Your friend is up on the roof for his patrol. I'll see you later at the pool. Kuina is quite fond of you. You two get along well," Chishiya said, walking off. You stood up, walking over to the grand stair case.

"I haven't slept in 4 days... gods help me," you groaned, running your hands up through your hair, it getting stuck from the knots. "Fuck me... SUGU! ARE YOU ALIVE?" you yelled. You heard a groan in response. He came out of his room, his hair sticking up every which way, his glasses were crooked on his face, and there were dark eyebags under his eyes. "I think... I think I'm alive..." he said. He was almost falling asleep standing up. "You need to take a nap," you suggested, standing up and walking over to him, yawning and rubbing your eyes. "No, I need to finish my project, you need a nap," he said, as you fixed his glasses. He could see that you were also running on no sleep. The dark eyebags under your eyes, your messed up tangled hair. It was different to say the least. You always looked nice, but college said no, please fuck up your sleep schedule to get this project done for me. Oh, and it a worth 75% of your grade! He hated school, but enjoyed what he was studying. Your projects took longer, and we're a bit gross at times, seeing as you had to take both forensics and psychology classes. "How about coffee instead then? I have a project to finish too..." you said, combing his hair out with your fingers, making it lay flat once more. "That sounds nice..." he muttered, the sensation of you playing with his hair almost making him fall asleep on the spot. "Yeah, I don't think you drinking that many energy drinks is healthy. Or not sleeping for four days. Let me get dressed, fix my hair, and we can head out, yeah?" You scolded at first, softening your tone.

"You look like shit," he insulted as you two walked to a coffee shop. "You're one to talk. When was the last time you washed your hair? Who are you, Snape?" You joked back, knowing his hatred for the character. 'He treated a kid like absolute shit because the kid's dad used to bully him in school. Oh, and his obsession with a girl who just saw him as a friend, but we're not going to talk about it.' He always said that when you asked him about why he hated Snape. It was funny to you because you had never met someone besides yourself that had that much genuine hatred towards a fictional character. "Ew, compare to anyone but him. Anyone," he said, genuinely grossed out by the fact you'd compared him to that character. "You really should take care of yourself more though. I need you to last me my whole life dude," you said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Mhm, if I remember correctly, promise 40 was if we were still 28 and we were single, we'd marry each other," he chuckled. You laughed. "Well, yeah. We keep our promises, you got that?" You said, punching his shoulder. "Ow, what was that for!" He whined, laughing. "I don't know. I don't want to go back to that apartment. I need to stay out of that, school is just... taking a toll on me. When we finish school and get jobs, I hope it's easier... Let's go on an adventure today," you said, leaning onto him. He thought for a bit. His project was almost done, and it was due in three days. He was running on no sleep, 5 energy drinks a day, and the occasional coffee you brought him.. Taking time off for you was worth it. He could finish the project tomorrow. You were worth that and more to him. "Sure what kind of adventure?"

"A little birdie told me you'd be up here," you said once you had opened the door to the roof. He turned around, facing you. "Really? Let me guess, Chishiya?" He stated. . He had his gun slung over his shoulder, and looked around boredly. You nodded. "How was your game?" You asked, going over, and sitting on the edge of the roof. He went over, sitting by you. "It went great. I'm alive, aren't I?" He stated sarcastically. You sighed, seeing as you were right. You had sensed it last night, but now it was more obvious. The games had changed him. For better or worse, you didn't know yet. "Mmm... and are the games any way to treat me differently? Because I'll hit you right now if you say yes," you threatened, glaring at him. He noticed your anger, but he guessed it could also be sadness. He'd left you alone for... how long had you said? 6 months? He didn't remember being gone for that long. Maybe time ran differently in the Borderlands than it did in the real world?

"No, it's not. Just know that I'm not going to act the same around you. I have a reputation here," he said, staring out. A light breeze brushed across the roof. A reputation? Well, you had noticed not many people coming up to talk to you all day. You heard whispers of 'that's the girl Niragi brought in. We should stay away from her.' So you assumed people feared Niragi. But you were curious. You know what they say, Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. "Tell me about it then. Tell me everything that's happened. All the good, all the bad, I want to know. So spill," you said. He sighed. He didn't want to tell you. A part of him was confused about it. He wasn't proud of the things he did, but on the other hand, he wasn't ashamed of them. The only thing stopping him was the fact that you were the only person who's opinion he cared about. The only person he had his whole life who cared about him the way he cared about them. You were the only reason he wasn't completely alone. "You want to know? Why?" He asked, putting up a defensive front. You shook your head, noticing it almost immediately. He had built walls in the games, you could tell. But that wasn't going to stop you. "Because you're my best friend,and I thought you had died. Because I want to know what you've been doing here? How'd you get such a high rank? When did you learn how to shoot? What's your specialty of the card games? Is it fun? Have you killed anyone?" You asked, going off on a small tangent. "Ok... let's do this. I've been playing the games, I got a high rank by playing the games, learned how to shoot here in the borderlands, surprisingly enough it's almost like shooting in a video game, my specialty are diamond games, yes it's extreme fun, and yes I have," he answered. You nodded, leaning your head on his shoulder. You had a suspicion there was worse he'd done, but you didn't want to know. He could keep it to himself until he felt comfortable to tell you. It felt like before, in a way... When you two would sit on the roof of some apartment complex down the street and watch the stars. Where your worries would go away, and you didn't have to worry about being the perfect daughter or the bullies. You were just (Y/N) and Niragi, the two kids. Because that's what you had been. Kids. When everything happened, you were kids. No kids should have been treated like how you two had been treated.

''I can't believe they broke your glasses," you muttered under your breath, brushing his hair out of his face. His bullies had gotten him while you were cleaning the classroom after class. He waited outside, but they decided to rough him up. The had beaten him up pretty badly. You had cleaned up the cuts and blood as much as you could, but it didn't change the fact his glasses were broken."It's fine..." he said, not wanting to look you in the eyes. "It's not fine, Sugu. You need your glasses, and glasses are expensive. Plus your dad..." you trailed off, seeing his hands beginning to shake. "Don't remind me..." he whispered. You hugged him, and whispered back, "You'll be ok. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, (N/N)."

"But I have to. Promise 1, we promise to keep each other safe, remember?"

He sighed, and nodded. You were scared for him. You knew somehow, you'd get roped into it. You looked up at him, seeing him pick at the cement on the roof. "Eventually... we're going to have to go back. We can't stay here the whole night," he said. You frowned. "I don't want to go back. We should run away. Just the two off us."

"(L/N)?" Someone called out from behind you two. You turned to face the person. It was Ann. "Hatter would like to see you... Alone."

[heirs-of-prythian]

I'm sorry, I think the translator translated it wrong :( (I'm going to rephrase the question) I'm so curious ... what was the reaction of Rhys, Cassian, Azriel and Lucien when they discovered they were going to be parents? and what are your feelings when having your babies in your arms for the first time

hi!

thanks for asking! if you have more questions, please ask i would love to answer them!

Well to answer your question we should start with Lucien because from the the four of them he is the first one to be a parent (than Cassian, Rhysand and than Azriel) so…..

Lucien

When Elain told Lucien that she was preggo and he will be a dad, he was pretty stunned and in disbelief,  because at this point they didn't really have planned for children yet.

I mean they definitely discussed children and agreed that they wanted them, like more than 3 if that could happen/if they managed to do so. 

So the news came a little like a shock to lucien, because he didn't thing it would happen that fast, 

Especially since Rhys and feyre are still trying without real results 

i mean He and elain didn't really use protection, because they wanted children and it usually takes a lot of time for fae to actually conceive in the first place but well it happened rather fast lol 

But after the shock (and the guilt) wore off and he was really happy 

Like taking Elain in his arms and twirling her around, showering her in kisses etc

Of course was also pretty worried about being a dad but that is normal for anyone, but also very much expected from someone with luciens upbringing 

(He knew Elain was going to be a great mother) 

But lucien swore to himself that would try to emulate his mother more than his (step)father beron 

He also swore that he would make his future children  never feel like they didn't belong to their family and that they always will have a place of unconditional love and support and adoration  from him

When Hemera was born, Lucien has never fallen in love faster (the other ones in the top spot are is other daughters) 

Of course Elain held Hemera first, but after everything (including elain and Hemera) was cleaned up, they were left alone to be a family of three 

Elain than gave the now sleeping and still slightly red Hemera to Lucien

Lucien felt like flying to New heights and falling without stopping to the ground. And he couldn't take his eyes off of her. 

Hemera was at the most beautiful thing he has ever seen (in lucien's opinion all of his daughters are the most beautiful there is, with elain in close second) 

He also couldn't  believe he was now responsible for this tiny little thing that was completely und utterly dependent on him 

He also found that loving his tiny baby daughter came as easy as breathing 

Never in his life has he been surer of his love for someone else

Caspian

Similar to lucien, cassian was also shocked and in complete disbelief 

He actually asked Nesta with she was kidding (the words came out before he had processed the situation) Nesta got mad at him for that ("This is not the time to be joking cassian!")

Unlike elucien, Nesta and cassian actually have talked about having children together, but Nesta didn't want to be a mother right away, so they agreed to decide later in the future (after a few decades mind you) again if than would the better time have a child. 

They are immortals anyway so it didn't really matter 

Nesta wasn't that thrilled to be a mother but she also didn't hate the idea of one child 

Cassian on the other hand wanted to have children like at least 5 or so but he would never force her for more, also he loves nesta more than the idea of 5 children 

One is actually more than Cassian expected from Nesta so he was very happy about that 

Tl Dr: Cassian and Nesta didn't plan to have child this early (like ~5 years after Hemera which is like 25 years after canon) 

So cassian didn't actually believe nesta when she told him for good 10 minutes 

After he finally realised that he is going to be a father, he was beyond happy he felt like screaming his happiness from the highest mountain 

But it only lasted for like 30 seconds before he realised what that actually meant and than asked nesta if she was ok and how she is handling this and how she felt 

Nesta was pretty out of it and not that ok with it (she didn't hated it the thought about going to be a mom soon, especially since her niece hemera was born she came to fear the idea less and less) 

But after a few days and a lot of encouragement from her sisters and cassian, Nesta grew to be ok with, maybe not entirely loving it, but willing to learn to love it

So when Cassian got to hold Cadan the first time in his arms, he was crying rivers, he cried so much his vision was blurry  and Cadan looked like a blob of color to him.

Tho the first thing he noticed was that cadan was so freaking tiny especially in his big hands 

Cadan wasn't much bigger than his hands 

Cassian had never held a baby so tiny (even Hemera was bigger when she was born, not by much but definitely bigger)

Another thing cassian first thought of is that, that is how unconditional love of a parent to their child feels like. Cassian finally understood something that day 

Also like whispered to cadan softly, that he would protect him Forever and love him forever 

"You're my new most important person now, Cade. You beat your mommy congrats!" *Kiss on the forhead*

Cassian also playfully refused to let cadan go 

Rhysand

Rhys and Feyre have been actively trying to have baby for about 30 years when they finally find out Feyre is pregnant 

They were both crying from happiness and relieve and joy they could do nothing but cry and hug each other the whole night through 

They (mostly feyre because she still isn't 100% used to being immortal so 30 years still feel long to her) actually  were losing hope decade by decade 

(They haven't lost a lot of hope yet, they just started to lose some of it, especially after elain and than nesta of all people got pregnant without even trying)

Like rhys wanted to tell everyone himself that his wife is preggo and that he is going to be a father 

He could barely contain himself

He also could barely stop cuddling or hugging feyre 

Instead of feyre getting clingy rhys got clingy lol

It got on feyre's nerves a little 

Rhys already promised himself to become the best dad possible 

Both because he already loves is future baby and wants everything good for them, but also to compete with lucien and cassian  for the title

So Rhys got to hold his son at exactly midnight of New years eve his son having been born an hour prior 

Rhys had found the love he already had for his tiny little son grow so much it made him speechless and he cried more (Rhys cried when Art was born) 

Rhys didn't know he could someone as much as he loves his tiny newborn son at that moment 

For Rhys holding his son was his new favorite thing to do, just having Art in his arms makes Rhys immeasurably happy 

Art was to Rhys the most beautiful thing in the world, beating feyre right from the top (he is now sharing the top spot with his sisters)

(I also have a fic about Rhys and a newborn Artemas its called "A Little Moon was born" it has far more details of rhys thoughts)

Azriel

When Leda (my oc, Azriels wife for those who don't know) and Azriel were again informed that Leda was pregnant again they were cautiously optimistic 

Because Leda already had two miscarriages at this point and they had been trying for a good 70-60 years 

Well leda was cautiously optimistic azriel not so much, he was already bracing himself for the worst, he only dared to have a small glimmer of hope that all will end well

Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and the baby and Leda were healthy and not in any tangible danger

So leda grew more optimistic and Azriel dared to hope more

And as the pregnancy came closer and closer to its end and all healer agreed that a miscarriage this late and with the baby's and Leda's conditions were highly highly unlikely 

Az could hope more, but he was still bracing himself for the worst

Only when he hurt Echo scream for the first time, did it hit him, that he now was father, that he had a daughter 

Azriel literally fell in love with her the second she was in his arms, 

Az claims that was the best moment in his life, the best feeling even 

He had never seen anything more precious than his tiny adorable echo with her tiny wings and tiny hands and fingers and her tiny feet with her tiny tiny toes and her big amber eyes that stared up at him with a cute curiosity 

"For your happiness, I would do great atrocities, my little wonder." 

(p.s. for the anon who wanted some dad Azriel and baby echo here you go!

[arcanefaye]

I'm currently listening to Clinton Kane, and it's making me so sad :((

i really like 'forget about us' kinda makes me think about my dad, just because i wonder if he's forgotten about us :/

pfftt

anyways!!

i don't have the screenshots but Colton was being really funny in the group chat today, talking about something called "Drinking a gallon of Mtn. Dew then proceeding to pee it out neon green."

doesn't seem healthy... but we cheered him on anyways.

oh, but i wanted Ian to listen to egirls are ruining my life by corpse, and surprisingly he did... but i don't think he liked it;

well no. he walked into my room a few minutes later telling me how dumb it sounded so...

i recommend!!

-- hmm

maybe i should talk about my day? i'm not that great at this.

Well, for starters the day was good! i slept in a bit which was great since i have test coming up and i've been lazy on studying.

i find it ironic that my group and i made a club for studying, yet im still so lazy with it. Margaret and Amanda are great on helping me gain energy to study. which is very sweet of them.

Colton tells me that he pays attention in class but jusr copy's peoples homework lmao (!not a smart move colton)

im actually really hungry - there's food truck down the street and the ice has cleared up a bit so i should see if we can get some tacos or something.

-----------------

UPDATE!

food truck left right as i was about to ask, BUT Ian came home with some Chinese food sooo we had that instead. It tasted a little odd, so i wouldn't be surprised if Ian laced it or something :/

------

can you major in overthinking? cause i definitely coud be CEO of

✨ overthinking ✨

i guess a mini rant rq - tw // insecurities - stress

so... school has gotten stressful lately, and to add onto that Ian and i have been fighting a lot recently. and i hate it. i normally fight with him, but this has been continuous... and i don't want to apologize 'cause it will make me look weak... but it just makes me more insecure with what he says. they're not nice - that's for sure.

he normally has this 'cold' attitude, but it's gotten to a point where it's too much, and it's too much fighting. too much drama.

adding onto that, grandpa has been really sick - meaning he has continuou doctors appointments. but he can't leave the house so the doctor has to come here, and the house was super messy today and i felt bad that he had to see that. especially since idk if it smelled bad... hopefully not.

i spent hours cleaning around the house cause i just felt bad... and Amara was also having a cry fest so i had to help her with that.

idk, i sound whiny... it could definitely be worse. but yea

TW OVER //

i want to tell my friends about this blog - but i'm not sure they'd like it.

oh that reminds me !!

i2iC gets all the news on new kids, but us being sophomores we dont know everything. and all the new kids are normally fre or grades above us. but i don't befriend people grades above or below me, because they somehow always know my brother - and it makes me uncomfortable when they talk about him. my friends thankfully think he's weird and would rather stick a needle in their eye than be friends with him. ... a bit harsh but colton has no filter.

anywho... we've only had one new kid in our grade, and they moved shortly after. BUT !! we have news that there's going to be a new kid in our grade! they're from Korea - so it'll be fun getting to know a foreigner!!

i hope they can atleast be our friend or hang out with us - my group can be chaotic, but we always have a warm spot for new guest!

anyways... i might go read for a bit then sleep.

or update the blog a bit more... other than that,,

see ya! :)

[anxietysroomsupport]

Tw ED> (just a vent) I ate so much tonight and I feel terrible and disgusting just gross. It feels like everytime I eat I'm putting garbage in my body and I'm contaminating me but when I dont eat for a few days I'm fully clean then when I eat a lot (which you probabaly feel it's a regular meal) I feel like a disease and just disgusting. I hate feeling this way but I also dont bc I deserve some type of punishment for being so gross. And the worst part is I can easily choose not to eat but I dont

Tw ED (2/2) I deserve to feel disgusting and hate myself if I'm doing something disgusting. I just eat so much and halloween is coming up and my mom is forcing me to come to a party and there'll be so much food. And the way my sister talks about how I eat and how fat I am and how negatively she uses the word it makes me want to die bc yes I know I'm gross and I'm trying to stop. I dont want fat to be a bad thing in my mind bc it doesnt matter but for me and on me it does and I hate it so much

Tw ed> I shouldnt complain. It's my fault that I feel this way anyway. I'm the one who ate and as much as i did so it's only fair i feel this terrible. If I'd chosen not to put stuff in my mouth I wouldnt be feeling this way, I know I deserve I just hate everything right now. I forgot how many asks I sent just how but the ones with Tw ED> are from me and sorry if I sent a lot. I know you cant do anything so these were just vents, thanks for letting me vent

Hi Anon,

If you take away nothing else from this, just know that every time you eat and take care of yourself, I am cheering you on.  You deserve to eat whenever you want, however much you want, just by existing.  You don’t need to apologize for anything.

Life is messy.  Being “fully clean” isn’t something that can actually happen, because no such state exists.  If we ever did have nothing at all inside of us, we’d be dead.  So, yeah, some foods aren’t great for us, like candy or bacon, but even those serve to provide your body with the calories that it needs to keep functioning.  You should never feel bad for feeding your body what it needs.

Being hungry, needing to eat, does not make someone a disease.  And even when we are gross, disgusting, or whatever else, we still deserve love and care.  We still deserve to eat and meet our own needs.  Yes, you, too.  Because it’s actually incredibly difficult to choose not to eat.  To make that decision is to fight against everything your body is telling you when it’s hungry.  It’s a battle against yourself and you don’t need to fight it.

(tw in the article for short description of historical self-harm)  Here’s an article about how and why we punish ourselves, and how it doesn’t work long term to actually change behavior, AND how it actually hurts our mental health to keep trying.  When you lean into those guilty, worthless feelings because you think you deserve it, you’re punishing yourself for doing something you think was wrong.  Humans have always done this, and will likely continue to do so forever.  But guilt doesn’t serve us if it’s not helping us maintain healthy relationships with our friends, family, or community.  Applying guilt to yourself, for something you did to yourself, that you know you wouldn’t even care if other people did...  well, it’s not helping you, and it is hurting you.

You have not committed any wrongdoing here.  

The things your sister says to you are not true.  You are not gross for eating.  Being fat is not a bad thing.  Fat is beautiful!  Both of you have probably picked up that negative messaging from the culture of conventional beauty standards around you (commercials, magazines, school, hollywood), but it is not the gospel.  Ignoring it isn’t easy, but it can be done with practice.

This article talks about negative feelings towards ourselves, and how we can start to combat that.  Eating disorders are particularly hard to shake, and a therapist or counselor could really help you out here.  Seriously consider bringing this up to your parents or teachers, so they can help you get what you need.  There are links in that article and on our Emergency Resources page.  And while you’re getting that sorted out...

Start getting angry.  F- conventional beauty standards, and f- anyone who tells you it’s not okay to eat.  Curse as much as you like.  Eat what you like.  Be mad about it, because they’re actually the ones causing you all this pain.  They’ve made you think eating is wrong, and that’s messed up!  I’m not even joking, how dare they.  Really.  When you feel that hunger pang, and you start to feel guilty, get mad instead.  Get furious even.  Then eat something and know that with every bite you are dismantling toxic beauty standards and doing something good for yourself despite all odds.  (Be careful though, don’t make yourself sick by eating too fast, because this trick will have your adrenaline pumping.  If you feel absurd and giddy with power, that’s normal.  Lean into that for a hot minute and see how it feels.)

And please come back anytime, even just to vent.  You’re always welcome here.

-Miss Fay

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival -1

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn't exciting enough.... an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

A/N: This all came from a dream i had! It still needs some editing but here we go.... enjoy ⭐️

"You going to be okay? You don't look so good" Natasha asked holding the back of her hand to my forehead "you’re burning up"

"I'll be fine Nat, think its just a stomach bug. I'll get some sleep while you guys are gone and hopefully feel a bit better" i said hoping that i was right, i had been feeling awful since last night.... i had been sick and had the worst stomach cramps of my life that had resulted in me curled up in a fetal position in bed.

"promise me if you feel any worse you'll call Bruce. He’s going to be staying here in his lab"

"I promise" i chuckled as i pulled a blanket over myself "now go kick some ass"

"Okay, i'll come check on you when i get back" she said before leaving me alone in my room.

It had been a couple hours since Nat left and the pain was getting worse but because I'm stubborn i refused to bother Bruce. They would think i was over reacting to a bad case of stomach flu! I managed to get up and walk out to the kitchen to get some water. Suddenly the pain was unlike anything i had felt in my life and i fell to floor with a scream.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y call Bruce please.... i need his help" i cried out to the A.I.

"Yes Ms Y/L/N, right away"

The doors opened seconds later and i heard Steve and Tonys voices chatting casually as they walked into the kitchen.

"Hey guys??.... i think somethings wrong" i managed to say to get their attention, they both stopped and looked over to me on the floor their eyes going wide before running over.

"Y/N!" Steve said reaching me first and kneeling down beside me "what happened?"

"I don't know..... I've not been feeling too great, i thought it was stomach flu...." i stopped to let out another yell and curled up holding my stomach.

"Get her to Banner now!" Tony told Steve, Steve was already scooping me up into his big arms and running to the elevator, Tony following behind him.

As the doors opened Bruce was inside making his way down "whats going on?? F.R.I.D.A.Y told me Y/N needed medical attention" he said looking between us all.

"Somethings wrong with her Bruce" Steve told him as i cried into his shirt.

"it hurts so bad...." i told him squeezing my eyes tight.

"Okay sweetie, we're nearly at the lab i'll take care of you. Give you something for the pain" Bruce said softly from beside me.

Steve was soon carrying me into the medical bay, Bruce walking ahead of us slightly.

"Put her on the bed, I'm gonna run a full body scan see if it picks up on anything unusual" Bruce said to Steve pulling over a machine that he had used on all of us at some point over the years. While it scanned he went over to grab some morphine and a syringe ready to give me some release from the pain.

"Just relax, Bruce will help with the pain any second.... he’s gonna help you" Steve said softly brushing my hair out of my face.

"I cant believe you didn't tell us how bad you were feeling! We would've had someone stay with you" Tony said rolling his eyes at you. Tony treated you more like the little sister he never had and he was pissed that you had kept it to yourself.

"Im sorry T, i was just going to sleep it off and hopefully feel better. But its so much worse..... is it bad? Am i dying?" I asked feeling myself panicking, it had to be bad to feel like this.

"Im sure you’re not dying kid" he said with a scoff shaking his head at the thought. Tony looked over at Bruce who was looking at the screens showing my scans, he dropped the syringe and morphine on the floor as a look of horror spread on his face as he looked up at us all.

"What.... what is it?" I asked quickly feeling my heart start to race.

"Erm.... i...."

Tony huffed and walked over to look himself being as Bruce couldn't get his words out. Seconds later his eyes went wide, his jaw literally dropped in shock.

"Guys! What the fuck is it???.... Steve?" I asked turning to look at him for answers. He walked over to Bruce and Tony and looked at the screen "is that....?" He asked looking at the 2 older men, they both started nodding and Steves head turned to me so quickly i thought he might get whiplash!

"You’re.... pregnant!" Steve stated, I swear i felt my heart stop! That was crazy!! It was impossible!!

"Stop fucking with me guys and tell me the truth! This isn't funny!!" I cried.

"Im not lying, Y/N you’re pregnant" Steve said slowly walking over to me.

"Fuck off!! Do i look pregnant to you?!!" I screamed as another cramp rolled through my stomach. I hadn't changed in size at all i couldn't be pregnant!!

"Your machine is broken Bruce!" I yelled at him "I'm not pregnant! Its impossible!"

"Y/N i don't know what to say, the machine isn't broken.... look" he turned it round to show me and thats when i saw it. I swear my heart stopped as i saw the image on the screen "and it would seem you’re in labour!" Bruce said with wide eyes, the room started spinning and went black......this wasn't happening!!

(3rd person)

"Y/N??..... Bruce, somethings happened!" Steve said rushing to her side.

"Shes just passed out, she'll be okay"

"How can she be pregnant?? Is she even seeing anyone??" Tony asked looking on in shock.

"I don't think so, Steve do you know if shes seeing anyone?" Bruce asked scratching his head still looking dumbfounded by this development.

"How would i know?" Steve replied with wide eyes.

"Well you two have always been...close...." Tony started to say.

"Its crazy, i mean look at her she doesn't look pregnant... she was right about that much. And its full term.... the baby is healthy... just small. The placenta is at the front which would explain why she hasn't felt any movement..." Bruce was muttering while looking over at the screen again.

"I cant imagine what she must be feeling right now.... kid must be terrified" Tony said shaking his head "I'm gonna call Romanov, see if she can get back here. Y/N would want her here" Tony said walking out of the medical room.

I slowly opened my eyes and remembered where i was, and why i was here! As another contraction rolled through my stomach i let out a loud cry, Steve grabbed ahold of my hand and tried to calm me down as it eventually passed.

"Hey....you’re okay, I'm here. We'll get through this together" he said with a reassuring smile while squeezing my hand.

"I feel like i need to push....." I suddenly said looking terrified of what i was about to face.

"Y/N, i need to take a look, see how far dilated you are.... is that okay?" Bruce asked looking very uncomfortable about it. He was very much out of his comfort zone on this one! I nodded quickly just wanting it over with now. Bruce put a blanket over my legs to make sure i wasn't exposed to everyone and removed my shorts before placing my legs up.

"Oh shit...." he said standing up looking as white as a ghost.

"What?" I cried looking even more panicked if that was possible!

"Its just a lot further along than i had anticipated! I...I can see the head!"

"Banner move!" Tony said suddenly pushing Bruce aside and taking control of the situation "Okay sweetie I'm gonna need you to push" Tony told me.

"Maybe i should wait outside....." Steve said feeling like he shouldn't be in here for this.

"No!! Steve, i need you" I cried holding his hand tighter "please stay!"

"Okay. okay I'm here" he moved me forward enough so that he could sit behind me and took hold of both my hands "Okay Y/N you can do this.... push!" He said comfortingly in my ear.

Hours passed, It felt like time had stopped, just constant pain that wasn't going anywhere.

"Good girl, you’re almost there!" Tony soothed me as best he could "Bruce get a blanket".

"I cant do this anymore" I cried resting my head back against Steve's chest feeling utterly defeated.

"You are so close sweetheart, one more big push and it will all be over i promise"  Tony said from the bottom of the bed.

"Come on doll, you can do this! On three, one big push" Steve said squeezing my hands, I nodded and braced myself to bare down one more time. I squeezed Steves hands so hard that i probably would have broken the bones of a normal man and let out a blood curdling scream. The room was suddenly filled with a cry that wasn't mine.

"oh my god! Y/N, its a girl!" Tony said happily, seconds later he was placing the baby on my chest for me to see giving us skin to skin contact.

"Im just gonna clean her up and i'll bring her right back okay?" Tony promised before taking the tiny baby and walking over to where Bruce was stood.

"Oh my god..... Steve, did you see her??" I cried looking up at him.

"I did! She's perfect" he beamed down at me with tears running down his face  "you did so good" Steve pressed a kiss to the top of my head as Tony and Bruce came back over with the baby bundled in a yellow blanket and placed her back in my arms.

"Congratulations momma" Tony smiled.

"I cant believe this is happening..... she's so beautiful" I cried brushing a finger over my daughters tiny cheek.

"Well this wasn't how i was expecting to spend my evening" Tony said letting out a deep breath and slumping into the chair beside me.

"Well that makes two of us T!" I said shaking my head, still in shock that i had just given birth to a healthy baby girl!

"I don't even have anything for her....."

"I'll sort that out don't you worry about a thing" Tony smiled.

"So i hate to be the one to ruin the moment, but who's the father?" Bruce asked the question they all wanted to know the answer to and gave a suspicious look to Steve.

"Shes not mine! Why do you keep looking at me like that??" Steve said to him, his cheeks flushed at the fact Bruce and Tony thought he'd been intimate with me.

"I think i should tell him before anyone else" I stated not taking my eyes off my baby girl. I was already dreading having this conversation, it was a big enough shock to me let alone the father!

[ververa]

“You are enough”

CHAPTER 7 (part 2)

And so the ceremony started. Ellie didn't leave her girlfriend even for a while – until a few of her aunts interfere. They claimed that since Ronnie is the youngest she would make a great job taking care of kids for a while when they will be chatting. The girl agreed and left them smiling at her girlfriend – who promised to join her soon. Little did Ellie know that the things were about spinning out of control.

Ronnie had never really liked spending time with children and there she was. Kind of trapped in the huge garden with a group of shouting little kids. At the very beginning everything was fine – they were enjoying themselves – doing the kids' things – and she was just watching, so that none of them can get hurt.

At the same time Ellie got stuck with the other women from the family. They were all mothers already and so they soon began to talk about having a family.

"So, Ellie" started one of them "Do you plan on getting married or something or is it just a kind of casual acquaintance?"

"She's my fiancee. And to be honest it was never just a casual acquaintance"

"Fiancee?"

"Yes. I proposed and she said yes" she smiled

"Oh my god! Really?" one of them exclaimed

"How long have you been together?" the other one asked

"Almost 2 years"

"And how did you two meet?"

"Well, she used to be my patient for a while"

"Wait. My child is being taken care of by a nut?" asked Lena

"And are going to have kids?" asked the other one at the same time

Ellie was confused

"I- Don't call her that! She's not a nut!"

Lena rolled her eyes at how protectively Ellie acted

"We... We talked about it, but we didn't decide yet"

"You should consider it. She's young and healthy. She can carry the baby. For now, but how long it will be like that?" Lena said as if she were an expert

"I'm not going to push her into anything. She doesn't like it"

"Sometimes you need to take the control over. Kind of put her in her place"

"I beg you pardon? What do you mean by this actually?"

Ronnie began to wonder what takes Ellie so long and why she still needs to look after the kids. She tried not to pay too much attention to how bratty they began to act, until one of them - a boy named Archie kicked the ball to the swimming pool.

"Fuck!" he yelled

"Watch your language" she reprimanded

The boy looked at her

"That's not what you told aunt Ellie when she was yelling fuck in the morning"

Ronnie stood there dumbfounded for a few seconds

"Aunt Ellie is a grown woman. She's allowed to use such words in particular situations"

"My mom never yells fuck"

"Well, maybe she doesn't have such situations with your dad"

"Like what do you mean?"

"Nothing. You'll find out when you're older"

"I want to know now"

"Archie, you're too little... We can talk about it when you're older. For now just go back and play with the rest"

"I won't until you tell me"

"I already said I won't. I don't like to repeat myself, so just do one!"

"I'll tell my mom!"

"Tell her what?"

"That you're not nice to me"

"I'm nice. Trust me, I can be worst than that"

"I want my ball back. Give it to me!"

"I'm not your servant. Ask me nicely and I'll think about it"

"Fuck you"

"Hey! Little..." she was about cursing, but bit her tongue "You'd better go back and play with the rest"

Archie huffed and ran towards the other boy who was holding his own ball. The boy tried to whip it off from him and when the other kid didn't let him, Archie jerked him with such force he fell down.

"Hey! Stop it!"

"Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!"

That was enough. Ronnie wasn't able to control herself any more

"You're lucky I'm not your mother. If I were you wouldn't even dare to act like a little arsehole you are!" she snapped at him

Archie looked at her. He already knew he won't get what he wanted with Ronnie, so he began to cry "Mommy!!!"

"Fuck..." she mumbled to herself seeing Lena walking towards them

"What happened sweetheart?"

"Ronnie is rude!"

"No! I just..."

"She didn't want to help me with pulling my ball out of water. And she said I'm stupid and called me an arsehole" he cried

"How dare you use such words with kids?! And how could you insult my son like that?! He's only a child!" "I did not! Oh my god... This is crazy"

"Crazy?! You're the one crazy thing here! I hope you won't have children, cause you will be a terrible mother!"

And suddenly there was a complete silence. Everyone was looking at them and waiting what will happen next. Ronnie got a load of all of them. They were staring at her as if she had killed someone. Her eyes met Ellie's – who just appeared at the backyard. She seemed to be furious and the girl freaked out. Ronnie walked into the house as soon as possible trying to hold her tears back.

"Are you satisfied?!" Ellie snapped at Lena "She did nothing to you and you little fucked up son. It's him! He always gets on everyone's nerves, but you don't see it. Or just pretend you don't. And you're the one who's a terrible mother! You not only can't reign over a 6 year old kid but also cannot control yourself! You're the one fucked up here!" and with this Ellie hurried to the house to find her girlfriend

_______________________-

"Ronney?" she knocked to the bathroom's door and would open them if the girl hadn't locked them from inside "Baby, open the door"

"Leave me alone!" she sniffled

"You know I won't" she sighed "Please, honey bun. Open. I want to see you"

"You saw enough"

"Ronney... She's a bitch and he is a spoiled brat"

Ellie didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say, so as not to make the things even worst

"It wasn't my fault" she cried

"I know, baby"

"I didn't mean to... He was just..."

"I know. Open the door, Ronnie"

"She's right. I will be a terrible mother" she cried

"What? No! Ronnie, no. You won't. She's the one terrible here. Come on, open. I want to hug you"

"No. Ellie, please, just go away"

"I won't. I'm going to sit right here and wait until you open"

There was a long silence – no words were spoken and only some sniffles could be heard. Ronnie wanted to open. She wanted Ellie to hold her close, but was also afraid. She was sure Ellie thought the same as her aunts. She was terrified that she won't look at her the same way as she used to. That she would see a heartless woman not good enough to be a mother. Maybe not even wanting to be.

"Ronney? You don't have to open. Just... talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you, so I can fix it"

The girl took a deep breath

"I-I... What if..." she cried again; fresh tears streaming down her cheeks destroying her make up completely "She's right. I won't be a good mother. Not after all that happened. And I-I... Don't want to any more..."

"She is not. And she didn't have the right to judge you. She knows nothing. She doesn't know you the way I do. She doesn't know how carring and loving you are. She doesn't know how creative and talented you are. She doesn't know anything. And I think that if you will ever have a baby... that little creature will have the best mom ever. And he or she will be the luckiest kid in the world just like I'm the luckiest woman – having you"

And the sniffles stopped. Instead of them Ellie heard a click of the lock and then there was Ronnie – standing in the door. Her eyes were red and puffy and her makeup was smeared. She looked like a mess, but Ellie didn't care. She didn't pay attention to all of this. She only saw her precious girl.

"You aren’t mad at me?" she asked with shaking voice as Ellie approached her

"Why would I be?"

"I... I thought you think the same. And you don't want me any more, because I'm not good enough to... have kids"

"How could I ever think something like that?"

"I looked at you... And you were so furious. I could see it in your eyes"

"I was. I was furious, but not with you" she moved her hand towards the girl afraid that if she would do something more Ronnie may run away "Come here"

And she did. The girl let her girlfriend pull her closer and held her – still trembling – body.

"Shhh. It's okay. You're good" she said caressing the girl's back and hair in a soothing way "Shhh. Baby girl. There's no need to cry"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for" she kissed her wet cheek

"I must look terrible right now"

"No... You look cute. Like a little panda" she chuckled

Ronnie smiled

"Here you are. That's my girl" she pecked her lips gently "Come on, let's get you cleaned and let's go back to the party. No bitch is going to spoil our fun tonight"

Ronnie nodded.

__________________

When they came back to the rest of the guests, Ellie didn't leave her until the end of the party. She was holding her close placing a soft and soothing kisses to the girl's forehead from time to time. She let her sit on her lap as they were watching how Ellie's cousin and his new wife were dancing together.

"She looks beautiful in those dress" Ronnie stated

"You will look way better in yours"

The girl looked at Ellie.

"What?" the older woman asked

"Nothing. Just... I love you"

"Oh, I love you too, princess"

"Do you think we can dance?"

"I..." she wanted to say that she doesn't dance, but those beautiful pleading eyes made here weak

"I mean, I know you don't dance. But I..."

"It will be my pleasure"

Ronnie smiled happily as she put her hands on the woman's hips.

"Just like I taught you. Move your hips" she instructed helping her to catch the rhythm

Luckily for Ellie it was one of the slow songs, so swaying was just enough – especially that Ronnie seemed to be exhausted.

They were dancing for a while, before Ronnie spoke up

"Ellie?"

The older woman hummed in response

"I think... I don't want to have kids"

"Ronney, she..."

"It's not because of her. I just don't want them now. Maybe in the future... But now I only want you"

And Ellie couldn't help, but hugged her tight

“I hate to interrupt” Robin and Stephanie stopped next to them “May I have this dance?” she offerend his daughter a hand

“I-” Ellie hesitated not wanting to leave her girlfriend

“Go” Ronnie smiled

“You sure?”

“Yes. Don’t worry, I won’t fight again”

“I’ll take care of her” Stephanie stated smiling friendly

Ellie looked at the woman, but say nothing. She seemed to get nervous around her. Ronnie knew about Ellie’s mother accident. The woman told her how she died and so on, but she never liked talking about her stepmother.

“How are you?” asked Stephanie as they were approaching the table

“I… I’m okay”

“I heard what has happened”

“Everyone did, probably”

“Don’t worry about it. Lena is just… herself. It’s hard to understand sometimes and she definitely doesn’t understand the women, who don’t want to have kids. For her only this matters”

“It’s not like I don’t want to have kids. Or maybe… I just don’t know any more”

“It’s okay not to want kids”

“You know… I think that maybe I want them, but I don’t feel like being pregnant. I had some eating disorders, you know. And I don’t think I can do this. I mean the woman’s body changes during and after the pregnancy… But I’m afraid to talk about it with Ellie. I don’t know why I’m telling it you. I barely know you”

“Well, sometimes it’s easier to talk with a stranger. And what’s you mother’s opinion? She definitely knows you better, so maybe she can help…”

“Actually, I don’t talk with her at all. She’s one of those toxic mothers, you know. So, it’s like I don’t have family at all” she smiled sadly

“Oh, I’m sorry”

At the same time, Ellie was dancing and talking with her father.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you… That you met someone”

“Dad… I just didn’t feel like…” she hesitated

“Visiting us? Calling?”

“I was busy”

“I bet you were. Look, I know you’re working a lot, but it would be nice to see you or at least hear your voice. I and Stephie”

Ellie rolled her eyes at the woman’s name

“We would like you to visit us tomorrow. We can have a dinner together or whatever you want”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. Ronnie is already at the edge. One more incident and it may be too much”

“We’re inviting only the two of you and Michael and Amy. No Lena there”

“I-”

“I ask you for two hours only. Do you think you can give me at least a little bit of your precious time?”

“I’ll talk about it with Ronnie” she stopped moving “I should look for her” she smiled and left Robin there

The girl was still sitting with Stephanie. They talked a little bit more about work and life in general. Ronnie smiled seeing the psychiatrist approaching them.

“I’m tired. Shall we go to our room?” Ellie asked not looking in Stephanie's direction

“Of course” she stood up “Thanks for the talk. It was really nice”

“You’re welcome” the older woman smiled

_______________________

It was bothering Ellie since they came back to the room. What were they talking about? Ronnie seemed to enjoy the conversation and in general the presence of her stepmother.

“What were you chatting about?” she asked finally

“About various things. Work – she said she would like to see my paintings” she said excitedly

“Great” she said without enthusiasm

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing”

Ronnie arched her eyebrow questioningly

“You like her, don’t you?”

“She’s nice…” the girl shrugged “Why shouldn’t I like her?”

Ellie looked at the girl

“She’s my stepmother!”

“So what? She didn’t do anything wrong, did she?”

“She took my mother’s place!”

“Well…” she thought for a while “Maybe you should appreciate it. Just be happy that you have someone like Stephanie, who wants to act like your mom”

“I didn’t ask her to act like that. I didn’t want her to. I never did!”

It was hard for Ronnie to talk about such topics, so she got riled up quiet easily

“You, at least, have a good mother figure. You should respect it instead of making problems out of nothing!”

“So, I’m the bad one now?!”

“I didn’t say that” she sat on the bed “I just… I’ll do anything to have someone like Stephanie. Even if she would be my stepmom. Maybe it’s high time you appreciated it?!”

“Well, maybe you still need someone who will replace your mother, but I don’t! I’m capable of being on my own”

Ellie’s eyes widened with terror, as she realized what she just said. Ronnie said nothing. She only stood up before the woman could grab her hand

“Ronney… I-”

“I’ll take a walk” she said walking towards the door

“Baby?” she wanted to go after her

“Don’t! It’s enough for today. I need some fresh air”

“Ronnie I didn’t mean...”

The girl shook her head leaving the room.

Ronnie didn’t know where to go, so she simply went to the terrace. She smoked 2 cigarettes, before Stephanie appeared.

“What are you doing here? I thought you’re with Ellie in your room”

“Well” she shrugged “We argued”

“What happened?” she came closer

Ronnie looked at her. She barely managed to hold her tears back.

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s not my business probably”

“No. It’s okay”

Stephanie smiled friendly

“I’ll bring you a blanket, so we can sit here and talk. If you want of course” the older woman said

Ronnie nodded. And after a while Stephanie was back with a fluffy material.

“Here you are, sweetheart”

“Thank you”

Stephanie only smiled making her way to the chairs and pointing at the girl to sit down too.

“Ellie is… an incredible person, but it’s hard to get to her sometimes”

“Yeah. It is” she agreed

“She acts like she doesn’t care, but she does”

“Yes, I know. You see, I tried to get to her many times. I wanted… I don’t know. Just I treat her as if she were my own child, even though I know she hates me for some reason…”

“She thinks you wanted to  replace her mother”

“I… I did not. I have never wanted it. I knew I won’t be able to replace Amanda – I’m nothing like her. But I  hoped that maybe we could at least befriend. You know, it’s good to have someone…”

“Yes. I know, but she doesn’t understand how it is when you have to be on your own for the whole time. And she probably thinks it’s stupid that I want such person…” she wiped her cheek, as she could feel the tears escaping her eyes

“She doesn’t. She loves you”

“But she said so”

“What? What do you mean?” she offered her hand to the girl and Ronnie gladly took it

“That I’m not capable of being on my own. That I cannot take care of myself and so on… But you know, I’m just tired of it. I had to do this for my whole life. I love her. I really do, but it hurt”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sure she didn’t mean it. She was probably nervous and wasn’t thinking about what she’s saying”

“Yeah… It is probably too much for the one night. First, Lena almost called me a monster and said I will never be a good mother and now Ellie”

“I don’t know you good enough, but I’m sure you’ll be a great mother one day. You’re caring and full of love that you’re eager to give to someone”

“But I don’t know if I want it”

“You’re young. You have a lot of time to think about it. And if you won’t want to carry the baby, you can always think about adoption. Ellie has never wanted to talk to me, so I’m not experienced when it comes to such conversations. But it’s okay to not being sure about something. It’s okay to have doubts. We’re all only humans – we all make mistakes”

As the door shut Ellie broke down. She was devastated – not only because of a painful memories, but because she hurt the most important person in her life. She did it in the worst of possible ways and couldn’t get over it. She cried for some time and when the tears didn’t want to fall any more she was just laying in bed. She was thinking. Recalling everything that Ronnie said. Maybe she was right. She definitely was – of course. Ronnie was younger, but was probably one of the most intelligent people Ellie knew. The woman sometimes wondered how it could be – that she knows so much. That she knows what to say, how to act in certain situations – when even she – the great psychiatrist didn’t.

She began to think of Stephanie – how she was always there for her, but she was too stubborn to appreciate it. It hit her all at once and she felt terrible.

She was brought back from her thoughts by a light knock to the door. Ellie stood up slowly and opened. It was Stephanie

“Hi” the older woman smiled “I just want to tell you that Ronnie fell asleep on the couch. So, don’t worry about her. She’s… well, hurt, but safe” she smiled and wanted to leave

“Wait” Ellie stopped her

“What is it?”

“Thank you”

“Not for what” she smiled “But you should apologise to her – whatever happen. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was. Just apologise and tell her you love her. She deserves it”

Ellie moved to the woman and surprised her with a hug

“Thank you for everything” she said

Stephanie didn’t know how to act at first, but soon she hugged her back.

“I’m sorry” Ellie sobbed

“Shhh. Don’t cry. It’s okay”

“D-do you think I can go to her now?”

“I think you can”

“Thanks” she pulled away wiping her tears and chuckling a bit embarrassed with the whole situation

_______________

“Hey” Ellie whispered kneeling in front of the sleeping girl

Ronnie opened her eyes slowly

“I…” she wanted to say something

“No, no. It’s my fault. You were right about everything. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It didn’t come out properly. I know you are able to be on your own, but you don’t have to. I don’t want you to. I want you to rely on me, always. No matter what happens. I love you.”

“I love you too”

At this Ellie kissed her.

“Will you come back to bed with me? I cannot sleep without you by my side”

“I will” she hugged her

The psychiatrist smiled and lifted her almost effortlessly. Ellie carried her to their room and made sure the girl slept as close as possible to her that night.  

[pbandjesse]

I don't want to do my post I am so tired. But I will do it because that is what I do. And I always feel better afterwards. Today was great and I really want to tell you all about it.

Last night was really hard. I was in a lot of pain and I didn't know how to deal with it and so I was kind of lashing out at James a bit and was just very upset. We talked it out and everything's fine and we had a great day together I was just in a lot of pain and was very sad. And we had to call 911 at one point because someone was upstairs just absolutely screaming for like an hour. It was really scary sounding. And I hate calling 911. It stresses me out.

I felt weird when we woke up but we got out of bed and got dressed and left here early. We biked down to the harbor and then over to the medical center. I checked in but apparently I had done something wrong on the questionnaire. The question was did it happen on someone else's property and I said yes. Apparently that through the system off somehow. But it was fine we went we waited and soon enough they were taking us back.

I'm glad I had James there to kind of keep me honest. Customer service Jesse tends to come out when I'm in these types of situations and I down play stuff. So having him there helped curbed that a bit. I did not like seeing how much I weigh. That always makes me upset. But it's fine. I'm still working on losing weight because I want to be healthy again but numbers always upset me. But it's okay.

When I showed the nurse my bruise she was legit silent for 10 seconds. She was in the middle of a sentence when I pulled my skirt up to show her and she just stopped and stared. She was shocked. It was not what she was expecting. The doctor basically did the same thing when she came in. They were very surprised that I had continued to bike and hadn't taken any time off work. But they understood my reasoning. And they understood that I just kept feeling like it was just a bruise. And honestly the doctor was very concerned about my elbow to especially because I was having trouble bending and it was hurting really bad last night and today. It's not so bad anymore. Most of the pain has subsided. But I think that's because they put me on pain medication. I'm taking two different things. And I don't hurt at all so that's nice. And Keith were hurting really bad today to from stress and pressure in the air. And all that pain is gone. Very good pain medication.

Basically the doctor said to ice it and then put heat on it. Couple times a day if I can. Elevating it and epsom salt baths as much as possible. She also said that I might need to get some physical therapy if I lose strength in it but because I'm still biking and working on yoga and things she doesn't think that will be too much of an issue. She gave me a sheet that says what I should look out for and basically told me it was a really bad deep tissue wound but I'll be okay. They did some Wound Care on my elbow and wrapped it. And then sent me to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions.

The wrap they put on my arm made it so I couldn't do much and it was a bit of a mess. And then I just kind of fell out of it. But we got everything and then we went to IHOP.

James was very focused on this call back from the job. I really hope they get back to him soon because he really needs those. Just emotionally it would be so good for him. But we have a nice breakfast. And then we biked back to my apartment.

I cleaned up a little bit and he carried the box of toys for the kids. But it was very hot outside and the wrap they put on my arm was hurting me really bad. So we stopped and took it off of me. But I was still in pain so we took off the under bandages well once we got to the bus stop. I really really appreciate all of James help today. He really makes me feel cared about even when I'm having trouble accepting that.

But we got the bus and headed to school. And it was really fun having him there. We got in the building and went to my storage closet. I showed him some stuff but we spent the first 45 minutes organizing. I told James what he could clean and what he could sort through. I'm made labels and swept and dealt with trash. We cleaned off the boards and put things away. It was really good. We were very very accomplished and it was really nice having him there. Chelsea came and was laughing about how we did her job for her. And then we went for a walk. I introduced him to a couple people and we sat and Marcus is classroom for a bit with some of the other teachers. Hung out and I showed James off to all of the people in the school. Everyone thought he was so handsome and kind and funny. Because he is and it's true.

We went downstairs to get the kids and they are so excited to meet him. Darielle screeched. And there was very many handshakes. It was so funny all the adults wanted to hug him and all of the kids wanted to shake his hand. The kids were getting their report cards today so we had to wait for a couple of them but they were getting really antsy so I had James take them upstairs. They were very excited to be able to ask him questions and interrogate him about stuff and threaten him. But they were very excited to take him upstairs.

I came up a few minutes later and we told them what the plan was for the day. Formally introduce them to James. I told them what happened at the doctors. And ask them where they wanted to have their party and they voted to have it inside. But they also wanted to still have recess. So then we went outside for recess.

Recess was really good but they locked the basketball court again so I couldn't show off my skating skills to James as much as I wanted but that's okay. We skated up and down the sidewalk for a bit. But mostly James stayed inside playing basketball with the little kids. I went and checked on him a few times and he just looks so cute with all the kids being so much smaller than him.

I was finally able to connect with my dad on the phone. But he upset me because he wanted to go and upgrade my phone without me ever seeing what phone he's upgrading to. But I've only had my phone since January so I don't even want an upgrade. And I've been saying for like a month now what phone I do want when I do get an upgrade in a year or so. And I was very distressed and overheated. And I'm dealing with a lot with how much pain I'm in a my injury and moving and all the stuff and I didn't need to be told that all of a sudden I was going to need to get another phone. I don't want another phone. I just got this phone. And he didn't understand why I was being difficult when he was doing something nice. But it didn't feel like something nice it felt like something controlling. Just because you can get a free phone from a BOGO sale. But we still have to buy the phone. Upgrades are not free. You still pay for the phone. And I'm trying to explain this to him and I'm like why are you involving me in this we can just add you on the lines for our family plan. But he was obsessed with this free phone. Just let Mom handle this she has been doing it for over a decade and she's good at it. She gets us discounts she make sure everything is the way it's supposed to be. There's no reason for him to take over on this thing that he does not understand. And it was very upsetting and distressing to be almost crying in front of my students for no reason. But we Change the topic and he's going to come visit for Father's Day.

And I am really glad to see him I want him to come here and hang out with me. But I don't like when he does things like that. It's very upsetting to be told I'm being ungrateful when it's something I didn't even ask for. I have enough money now that I could pay for my own phone plan and I appreciate that they keep me on the family plan but still. It's not a necessity and when you hold something that you are doing as a kindness over someone else That makes me not want to ever take any help. And it's something I'm working on right now because I have a lot of toxic Behavior about doing things on my own. And not accepting help from other people. So to have that thrown in my face really hurts.

We took the kids back inside though. And we went right back to our classroom to have our pizza party. I was in charge of handing out pizza. James did drinks. And Chelsea kind of directed traffic. It was a really fun day. We had chips and cupcakes. We had ice cream. The kids got to go to the art store. It was really nice. I gave them all the gifts that I had bought with their comic book money. I got lots of hugs. There was music and dancing. I made a couple more glitter jars with a couple of the girls that weren't here yesterday and then we use the leftover soda bottles to make two big glitter jars. It was a lot of fun. I love having James there in the classroom with me. The kids really liked him too and that was nice. And we used a couple of constellation rules like most quiet table gets to come get food first. And that was really really nice. And Chelsea like him too so that was cool.

We finished up the day with very many hugs. I told everyone they had to give me a hug before they left and they all complied mostly. Ahmad let me hug him but he wouldn't hug me. It's okay. Damon and some of the girls were just holding on to me and didn't want to let go. China was a very sweet one because she hug me and just kind of said to me that she was really going to miss having me as her teacher. And it was very very sweet and soft. Something that doesn't always come through with her. But I can tell she's trying. And that's all that matters.

We cleaned up the room and then I took the final few kids and James up to the cafeteria. Dallas and de'arra asked if they could have boxes to carry the rest of their art until they ran to go get those and soon enough it was time to go. Everyone agreed to meet at karaoke later. And then me and James went to get the bus.

I was in a very good mood when we laughed and we waited and it was too hot but I really enjoyed being with him and I just felt happy. We got back home and I took a shower and got cleaned up. James changed his shirt and around 7 we left to walk to the hotel. Took way less time than we thought it would though.

We got there about 7:05. And no one was there yet. So we went across the street to the park and watched a little bit of the concert that was happening. Mostly just enjoy each other's company. James was very stressed about the whole job thing so I was just trying to comfort him. He said he felt selfish but I like being able to be there for each other. I like that we have that given taken it's not one-sided. But then as we're sitting there we see Tiffany so we head back over to the hotel.

We get in there in the rooms are very small but it ended up being really fun. That's the other thing that was happening was trivia. I did one song with Linnea. A Tom Lehrer song called the masochism Tango. They were all very confused by it. But it was very fun and very silly. I kind of wish I did poisoning pigeons in the park instead but that's all right. But the trivia was what excited James.

Once other people from the school started showing up we were able to get three teams and it was groups of 2. And me and James is team was called Team Rocket. And we ended up winning. James is very good at trivia. Obviously. And I was a little annoyed with myself because I got one wrong that I should have gotten right and mostly he knew the answer is not me. But it was really fun being able to do it together. The music one was the hardest one and neither of us knew like any of the songs so that was frustrating. But the rest of it was really fun and good and I'm really glad we got to do it. And at the end we want a $50 gift card for the fancy restaurant at the top of the hotel. So we're going to get to go on a date together. I'm very excited. And James is only a little tipsy and I like Tipsy James. He's very cute and affectionate.

I went back to the karaoke room to say goodbye. Show Marshall, my boss, my crazy leg bruise and told him what happened. He cursed out loud when I showed him. He was very surprised. And then we all sing one more song. As a group. I just wanted to see Chelsea sing something and then we say goodbye. Chelsea gave me a big hug and told me to keep her updated on my leg. But I'll see her tomorrow. It's fun day for the little kids and we're all helping out in the morning. I'm really glad Chelsea is my co-teacher. I love working with her. But she's also just a really good person and I think we're becoming friends more than just co-workers.

Me and James walked back to my apartment. He took the cheese out of my fridge that he can make dinner and we said goodbye.

I cooked pasta salad for lunch tomorrow and had a couple cookies. I cleaned up and try to play with this expandable rod thing I got. And accidentally cut my hand open. Which is almost worse than when I first open the package earlier and it exploded in my face and almost killed me. Not my best purchase. Very sharp. But I cleaned up and now I'm in bed. Today's been wonderful. I feel confident about my leg and it was a really good school year. And I'm looking forward to a quiet week. Just some BMI days and moving stuff and a good time. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well everybody. Be safe out there. Until next time.