#I hadnt talked to many people about my habits until now

[missmeioh]

💧

[rainingspellforlove]

shouldn’t have

hi im back with another fic >< but it’s eunhae’s uwu. read this while listening to raining spell for love to experience more angst ;;-;; enjoy my first eunhae’s  fic and my first angst fic! 

listen to raining spell for love : 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7j4r8X575ZnyWk0jkukNp7?si=irOj7OmgRFynzGCaL754dg

It's been so wrong. Hyukjae always feels it so wrong. But he did loving him. He's already falling deep. But now it cant be anymore. This is impossible. He shouldn’t have loved him from the start. He knew he's always been wrong for having this feeling. He knew  it will  break himself someday. He knew he will be in this state of the worst heartbreak ever. But how can he (un)love this angel? He had already fallen. Fallen for him too deep.The fact he's been in love for his one and only best friend is already hurting. The one who's been always with him from his early days until now.   But now, he's shattered. 

Hyukjae and donghae still been friends till now. 20 years old friendship. They had been known each other since their middle school days. it’s been so long. They went through a lot till today. They overcome all of their problems together and they depend on each other a lot. Everyone will say they have their unique friendship. They always been so close and too many things that only of them understand. They’re just too close. They had many similarities in their own way. People said that it’s too much similarities for them to have and their chemistry is so unbelievably amazing. It’s like they are naturally meant for each other. Just like a pair of shoes. 

It’s so natural and a common thing to say they always crash at each other’s houses. That was before eunhyuk moved back to the dorm. back then donghae always comes to eunhyuk’s apartment almost everyday. and vice versa. but it mostly donghae who asked to come or donghae just comes to eunhyuk’s without notice. They always been like this. Donghae who likes skinships a lot while eunhyuk just lets donghae do whatever to him. Maybe some people will think that their moments are just fanservice but thats just how they are. they’re just being the way they are. 

They always rely on each other a lot actually. They almost didnt keep a secret between each other. they knew each other too well more than any other members. They even knew each other’s individual schedule or events. like who who will eunhyuk meet after this, or what will donghae do tomorrow, those kind of stuffs. every lil things they did, they always knew for each other. they are just unbelievably close. 

But who knows, one of them is really falling. It’s too much for him to receive these affections alone. He always keeps it cool but deep inside he might explode. It's already long enough for hyukjae to love him since then. The way he keeps hiding his feelings for himself. Not telling anyone about it. Imagine hiding this stupid feeling alone for the closest person  in this fucking world. He did suffering for himself. He always keeps it for himself. He didnt want to ruin this freaking long friendship just because of this dumb feeling. Donghae loves skinships so much. Like soooo much. He always touchs hyukjae unconsciously. At first, hyukjae always gets used to it when donghae did sudden hugs or held his hand. He already gets used to it. it’s been 20 years ofcourse he must get used to it. Donghae is indeed a clingy person so he always clings into hyukjae unconsciously like a habit. That’s a problem actually. Hyukjae actually didnt mind it at all when donghae being such a clingy ass but sometimes he cant handle that. 

Actually there’s one time he cant handle it. That time when they did a comeback for D&E, they did a blueroom live. Then they talked about their nicknames for each other. When they talked abt donghae’s nickname “haeknojam” then donghae starts to kiss hyukjae’s hand suddenly while laughing like an idiot  and he did it twice! in a fucking live broadcast. Hyukjae always keeps his cool and just lets donghae did it. he just said “Aniyoo” for times responding to donghae. That time actually, his heart almost explode. He thought why he did these in a live broadcast. and why did he kiss hyukjae’s hand?  hyukjae still cant figure it why he did it. that time after filming, donghae just acts like nothing happened. but hyukjae deep inside was flustered as hell but of course he acts like usual. Being playful and stuffs. Donghae just being himself too, being random and stuffs. Donghae always like this. It’s just hyukjae who’s been dazed and confused all the time. That time hyukjae tried so hard to calm his self down by jumping and dancing all the time. When donghae comes to ask,

“Hyukjae-ya, why are you practicing at this time, our schedule just ended right?”

“O-Oh i just wanna get myself sweaty,, i feel like my body stiffen, so yeah i keep practicing”

“Yeokshi uri d&e leader. dont push yourself too hard. promise me you will rest after this, okay?” he handed hyukjae a towel and  circling it into his neck while then keep wiping his sweat in hyukjae’s cheeks with that towel

“u-uhm of course. thanks”

“youre welcome always, my E oppa~~ chat me when you arrive at the dorm okay? lets go home” replied him while smiling 

“okay i will...”  

then donghae went to the car and went home. hyukjae feels his knees are gone then he sat on the floor.

“why he keeps confusing me...... sigh”

day after day of their promotions went well. At the end of the promotions, donghae was not like his usual self. It’s not he completely different person but he’s less clingy. and he often checks his phone and sometimes smiling while looking at his phone. Hyukjae thought maybe donghae looked at some funny things on his insta but thats just weird because he’s being too often looking at the phone. then he often picks up his phone outside it’s like he hides something from hyukjae. It’s not usual for him to do that. He always picks up his calls in front of hyukjae but not right now. It’s been weeks he did that, but actually hyukjae didnt care at all. Maybe he had something that is really his privacy. so he didnt think about it too much. But, day by day passed and it’s been 1 month already. He still being like that. When hyukjae came to his apartment, actually donghae asked him to come but donghae keeps being on the phone.  It’s not the real hyukjae if  he hadnt been curious. He was curious as hell. At first he keeps resisting himself not to be curious but maybe he cant after all. When hyukjae prepared the food he bought for donghae, donghae suddenly put his phone and went to shower. Hyukjae hesitated at first but he didnt care so he went quick to the table and looked at donghae’s phone. He enters the passwords (actually he knew it because donghae already told him when they went to a drive together, donghae cant open the phone because he focused on driving so he asked hyukjae to reply his mother’s message) and checked his kakao and insta. then he found one person other than him and his family in his pinned chats in his kakao. Then he opened the messages. 

Hyukjae never been so speechless before, it’s the first time. It turned out that person is donghae’s lover. He looked at those sweet messages and actually this saturday is their 3 months. they talked about how they can meet at saturday. it’s not just how his heart breaks in pieces. the fact he didnt tell him about it at all. and it’s been 3 months. how... hyukjae thought maybe if donghae told him, he can be prepared at anytime... 

“i thought we keep no secrets... but this is actually my fault too. i did have secret. so i deserved this.”

“but it hurts like hell what the fuck....” then hyukjae put donghae’s phone back to its place.  and tears keep falling without hyukjae realized himself. then he took his bag and left the food prepared for donghae. He left the house and cried on the way to the dorm. Hyukjae left a message to donghae via kakao.

Donghae who came out the bathroom after showering, becomes flustered. 

“Hyukjae ya, how’s the food is it good?”

no answer,,

“Hyukjae, where-” 

then he got notif from hyukjae 

“sorry i left first, i have something to do. I already prepared the tteokbokki. Have a good meal”

Donghae was so confused but he ate the tteokbokki anyway. he still didnt feel something strange..

few days after that, super junior have a schedule together for an interview. It’s so obvious that hyukjae tried so hard to avoid donghae at all cost. He distants himself from donghae and avoid donghae’s affections. He tries to keep it cool and still jokes around to the members. but he only avoids donghae. when donghae tries to talk to hyukjae after the interview ends, hyukjae keeps telling him he must go home. then donghae holds hyukjae’s hand

“Lee hyukjae, whats wrong with you? you’re obviously avoiding me? did i do something wrong?”

“N-no at all. you’re just touching me too much.”

“but i always did these to you,and you’re okay with that”

“yes but right now it’s not. okay good bye i must go right now. let go”

“just tell me why... please...”

“you didnt need to know”

then hyukjae pulls his hand harder and finally donghae let him go. donghae becomes frustrated himself. 

Leeteuk who saw this on the back feels there’s something wrong with these two... 

Hyukjae becomes so distant from donghae day by day, but no one notices it. it’s just donghae who feels something wrong but hyukjae will never tell him why. the members didnt feel it weird either because the atmosphere while being together as full members still feel lively. It didnt sound wrong at all. but only leeteuk who feels something weird. leeteuk who sees them quietly when in a dressing room, donghae didnt talk to hyukjae at all. hyukjae too, he didnt intend to talk to donghae at all. hyukjae always talks to kyuhyun or yesung in their leisure time. and donghae who hangs out with siwon all the time. it feels natural. but it feels weird too. then leeteuk asks donghae to come outside...

“Hey whats wrong?” leeteuk asks

“Me? im fine? why hyung asks that?”

“hyukjae. seems like you both not in a good terms recently”

“oh that. i dont know either” 

“ask him then what you did wrong”

“i have. but he said i didnt need to know?! he’s weird as fuck. how can i know what i did wrong while he’s being childish like that”

“hmmm, maybe you hide something and he did feeling betrayed or stuff? it may happen. those things always happen right for us”

“ah... maybe i know.....” 

then donghae rushed to hyukjae. 

“we need to talk”

“there’s nothing to talk about”

“hyukjae please.” 

“let me go”

“lee hyukjae... please”

“fine. i’ll give you 5 minutes”

“you saw my phone right?”

“thats- yeah i didnt mean to but yes i saw that you actually had a lover”

“thats why you’re mad?”

“yes? ofcourse? i feel betrayed you didnt tell me at all. i thought we’re close enough to tell about those kinda stuffs” (actually there’s not the only reason donghaeya.....)

“im about to tell you that night actually.. sorry for not telling you, im afraid that youre uncomfortable with this... pls forgive me okay”

“i-im okay for those kinda stuffs. im happy for u bro actually. but it’s just i feel sad you didnt tell me..”

“ so you forgive me?”

“hm maybe?” hyukjae still feels uncomfortable with this, its like he didnt want to see this fucking handsome angelic face in front of him anymore

then donghae becomes so happy and hugs him rightaway. hyukjae quickly tries to let go of him. 

“alright alright, let me go. lets just go home okay” donghae smiled happily after he heard he already been forgiven. but hyukjae still pretending. he pretends that it’s all okay for donghae for having a lover. but he’s not okay at all.

hyukjae forgives him but he cant face him actually and pretends to be fine all the time. everytime he meets donghae, he just feels uncomfortable. it didnt feel the same. hyukjae cant see him the same as before. hyukjae still keeps his cool and lets donghae did his skinships to him freely but deeply inside he is hurting. one day, he went to the building’s rooftop to get some fresh air in the middle of their schedule. Leeteuk suddenly comes to him.

“hyukjae ya....”

“oh whats wrong hyung?”

leeteuk doesnt say a word but immediately hugs him and pats his hair.

“i know it’s been hard”

hyukjae is flustered why he did this...

“hard? what do you mean hyung? hahaha”

“you loved him, am i right?”

“him?”

“eish stop pretending to be fine. i knew you two fights few days ago then you told him it was because he didnt tell you about his lover, it’s not the only reason right?”

“so you knew......”

“jtub told me that donghae already had a lover, donghae didnt tell me at first haha then he admitted it himself after then.”

“oh right.”

“what will you do then after this?”

“i dont know.. i cant keep pretending all the time. it hurts me to see his face it’s like i wanna punch him”

“even you loved him you want to punch him? lol”

“yes i hate that idiot smile of his until i want to-”

“kiss him so bad?”

“HYUNG”

“okay okay hahaha im kidding”

“but... sometimes i think of that too but ofcourse i wont do it” 

“he kissed your hand in a live broadcast why wont you?”

“no way i would kiss him first. its just me who had this feeling. he never feel the same, he just likes to play with me. its confusing”

then hyukjae silents for a bit

“hyung.. is it okay for me to go for a while? i kinda want to distract myself for  a while”

“its okay hyukjaeya. i respect all of your decisions as long as youre happy with it”

“ehm, it hurts so much seeing him these days. he keeps calling with his lover while there is me there in his house. thats fucking hurts. i cant do this anymore hyung. it’s like i wanna punch him for real. i hate having this feeling from the start.. i-i- *sobs*” hyukjae cried in leeteuk’s embraces. he cried so hard that time. 

“shussh shussh it’s okay hyukjae.. it’s a natural thing for us to fall in love. it’s not our fault to fall in love in the first place.”

“heuk- heuk- but i hate feeling this way. i hate myself” hyukjae still sobbing

after crying for so long, leeteuk’s shirt becomes so wet then leeteuk just laughs

“how can you hide those red eyes hahaha”

“right..... i dont know......”

“here i bring sunglasses lol just go home after this okay, so the members wont be suspicious haha”

“thank you so much hyung.... youre the best” 

“nah its always been my job to babysit all of you. so where would you go?”

“Japan. Maybe next week”

“okay, take care hyukjae. i will call you then”

then one day, hyukjae comes to his usual bar to hang out with donghae. but he comes alone. he feels like he wants to drink until he passed out for the last time before he goes to japan. then there’s jtub (donghae’s friend who is a composer too) who hangs out alone too. 

“Oh hyukjae, you come. Alone? where’s donghae?”

“nah i just feel like drinking alone”

“why?”

“i dont know i just want it”

then hyukjae really drinks a lot like A LOT. jtub tries to stop him but hyukjae insists he must drink more

“stop it or you will pass out here”

“i ddont fckin caree.. it issss m-my pplaaan annywway tto ssleep hhere until tomorrowww”

hyukjae lost it. he really lost it. he’s blabbering random sentences just now

“why.. wwhy sshould i llove that iddiot, i wanna kick hhis fckin handsome fface riight nnow,,,,, bastaard hhow you come to pplay wwith myy ffeelingg llike this,, itt hurtts sso mmuch i hhate yyou” then he sobs

“argghhhhhhh my head’‘ss sppinning” 

jtub didnt know who he was talking about but right now he needs to call someone to bring this idiot to come home

“hyukjae you need to come home.. i’ll call donghae”

“NOO DDONT CCALL THHAT BASTTARD” he tried to take jtub’s phone but it failed because he cant control himself because of the alcohol

“ah... so he’s heartbroken....... eish i didnt know that hyukjae is falling for his best friend.. eish let them finish this problem themselves i should back out”

“nno ddont him ppleasse, or i will kick hhis fucckin facce when hhe comess llater” then he sobs and passed out in the long table near the barista

few minutes later, donghae comes in a rush. 

“donghae ya here!” jtub calls

“oh my, what did you feed him huh?!?”

“wow slow man, he’s drinking and paying those bottles himself you know, i tried to stop him but he insisted to drink it until morning.”

“why’s he like this... he never been like this before...”

“you didnt know? why’s he like this? really?”

“uhm no, why? do you know?”

“try to figure it yourself then, its your problems anyway.”

“so he’s like this , because of me?!”

“spoiler : yes”

“oh man, why... okay then i’ll be going first” 

donghae tries to wake up hyukjae but still didnt get a respon. 

“Hyukjae-ya lets go home”

“ehmmm i want to sleep here”

“but it closes soon. you must go home. let me take you home eung?”

then hyukjae wakes up and see donghae  who’s ready to pick him up

“oh it’s lee donghae!” 

“yep it’s me. lets go home okay?”

“the way i wanna kick your face but i didnt have the strength right now, i’ll just kick you tomorrow”

“pardon? what?” donghae flustered and shocked

“right? it’s on you bro lol” jtub said

“okay okay lets just go home” donghae took hyukjae in his shoulders and caught him by the waist. then they both go to hyukjae’s dorm with donghae’s car

hyukjae falls asleep in the car. and keeps talkin in his sleep a bit

“lee donghae you bastard”

donghae is surprised and turns his head to passenger’s seat. 

“The fuck?!” 

then hyukjae sleeps again

“why’s he like this and why me?”

they finally arrived at hyukjae’s dorm and kyuhyun didnt come home so it’s just the two of them there. donghae hardly brings hyukjae to his room in his druk state. 

“im glad that you’re this tiny,  i can bring you home easily”

then donghae puts hyukjae to the bed and takes off his jacket, socks, and shoes. he wipes hyukjae’s forehead too with wet towel too.. hyukjae wakes up suddenly.

“stop being so kind to me” he stops donghae’s hand from wiping his forehead

“huh? why? im your closest friend it’s my job to take care of you idiot”

“i can take care of myself well. just go” hyukjae turns his head to the left side and puts the blanket covering his whole body. 

“why do you like this?”

“its not ur business”

“hyukjae ya... tell me whats wrong”

“Us. we cant be like this”

“why? you’re my closest friend-”

“We’re not supposed to be like this donghae ya. we must not”

hyukjae wakes up and turns into donghae. 

“We.... cant be like this donghaeya... we cant be....” hyukjae starts to cry

“hyukjae... why cant we... “

“why are you crying.. dont cry...“ donghae said again while carressing hyukjae’s tears with his thumb

“ *sobs* we- cant- be- like this... we just cant.....” hyukjae is still sobbing while talking

“tell me why, what should i do to stop you from crying please dont cry it hurts seeing you cry like this” donghae said softly 

“you.” 

“me? why?”

hyukjae still crying and doesnt want to answer.. 

“hyukjae tell me... please.. i dont wanna see you cry...”

hyukjae then holds donghae’s hand in his cheeks...

he looked at donghae’s eyes with those falling tears.. 

“you deserved to hate me forever.” 

hyukjae leaned in to donghae’s face and pressed a soft kiss into his lips. 

hyukjae pulls out and donghae is flustered and confused...

“h-hyukjae w-why-”

“leave me right now”

“b-but you have to tell-”

“leave or our friendship ends. leave please”

“hyukjae-ya.... “

“PLEASE LEAVE. *sobs* please...”

then donghae gets up from the bed and leaves hyukjae alone...

that’s it. that’s the end. hyukjae’s first love comes to an end. that angel is finally gone.... 

hyukjae cries in his bed so hard... the worst feeling ever. he hates himself more than anyone else. but he must end it. he must end this stupid feeling. the overflowing feelings he had for his best friend for years. he will stop loving him no matter what. 

“Thankyou for making me feel loved although actually it’s just me who feel that way... im happy... thankyou...” then he’s still crying for so long in the middle of the night

meanwhile donghae is feeling so flustered and mad. he didnt know why he’s mad. the fact his best friend cried because of him.. hyukjae’s eyes that told him everything. hyukjae’s puppy eyes that only shines everytime suddenly covered by the rain. the hard rain that falls because of him. he never knew. he never realized.. he didnt want to believe it. but it’s just feel so real. his tears falls in his cheek when hyukjae kissed him... he never feels the saddest kiss ever... it hurts so much. he didnt knoe either why it hurts so much. it feels like hyukjae will leave him for real... he cant imagine how his life would be without hyukjae.. it will never be the same.. 

donghae still feels confused.... he didnt know what to do after this... or tomorrow, or days after this.... he just didnt know what to do... 

the next day, hyukjae is already in the airport waiting for boarding to Tokyo. his eyes are completely red becuase of crying that night before.  He decides to go there to heal and repair himself. he just needs time alone for a while. he didnt know when he will be back to work as super junior. he’s already takin care of all of these with the company, and the company said yes. it’s up to him when will he decide to come back.... 

“hyukjae-ya, already at the airport?”

“eung hyung, there’s still 15 minutes before boarding”

“okay then, take care hyukjae... and one thing what if he asked me where you go?”

“hm, dont tell him hyung, just say that i want to spend my time alone.”

“fine i’ll do that. eish that insensitive bastard haha i’ll kick his face for you someday”

“nah hyung just let him be it’s my fault anyway for loving him in the first place. it’s never been his fault”

“aigu my precious dongsaeng already grown up”

“eish hyung your precious dongsaeng here is 34 years old”

“youre still a big baby to me anyway..”

“thankyou hyung. i’ll call you often when im in tokyo”

“yes sir!” 

“oh its time for boarding, im off hyung, bye bye!!”

“okay take care hyukjae ya, have a proper meals okay?”

“of courseee goodbye hyung”

hyukjae finally ends his phone call with leeteuk and walks in to the plane. finally he made up his mind and try to heal himself first.. he’s afraid that this feeling disrupt his works with him. so he must repair himself more to become a better person.. 

meanwhile donghae who didnt know anything at all,,

he worked out like crazy... he’s already working out since morning. and it’s already evening. he worked out and worked out.. he did everything in the gym. he’s like a mad person right now. he didnt pick up the calls from everyone.. even his lover too.. 

the instructors there feels worried because it’s not usual for donghae to act like this. then the instructors try to call jtub, donghae’s friend who’s been at the same gym with him. 

actually jtub is very busy right now so he cant go there to save that idiot friend from overworking his body. then jtub called leeteuk because leeteuk already said to him if donghae acts weird, he’s free to call him. 

leeteuk comes to donghae’s usual gym rightaway after finishing his schedule. 

“eomma ya. it’s already 7pm. and he’s been working out since 7 am?!?”asks him to the one of the instructors

“yes sir. he’s been like this since morning. we’re too scared to disturb him because he seems not in his right mind”

leeteuk walks in slowly to donghae. 

“donghae ya”

donghae still wont listen he still in his threadmill

“lee donghae please come down.”

“come on donghae you never been like this, you never disobeyed my orders. come on donghae please stop this. you makes yourself sick”

donghae finally stops the threadmill and come down. 

he falls rightaway in the floor. 

“donghae-ya are you okay? hey? donghaeya?”

“hyung... it’s my fault...” after that, donghae lost his consciousness

Donghae wakes up in his house with leeteuk who waits for him.

“Oh are you okay? do you hurt yourself?”

“no-no im okay hyung..” 

“eish why did you work out like that? you know it can kill you. what if i didnt come? who will take care of you? oh my god this kid. how old are you huh? youre fuckin 34 please grow up” leeteuk keeps nagging while wipes donghae’s forehead 

“sorry hyung...” 

“promise me you wont do this again oh god”

donghae just nods... then he suddenly remembers something

“i need to meet hyukjae.. i need-”

“stop he wont meet you”

“even he doesnt want to, i keep going to meet him”

“what would you say then? ask him for an apologize for something you didnt realize?”

“hyung... so you knew..”

“of course. just stop it. you wont ever meet him right now. you just cant”

“no hyung i must-”

“he’s leaving. he’s not in south korea.”

“what..... are you serious?”

“yes”

“where did he go? i can go right now”

“no you cant, just let him alone donghae ya. okay? please listen to me, he’s hurting. you never knew how he feels. because you never feels it. what do you want to say to him? anything that you would say, it wont heal him. because it’s on you. you’re the source of his broken state. he will overcome this someday. just wait okay?”

“but.... it hurts so much.. i dont know it just hurts so much seeing him cry.. seeing him so weak like that night. i really want to embrace him but he keep pushing me off, he keeps crying and crying.... his trembling voice when he tried to talk to me hurts me so much... he’s never showing this side of him for these time being.. i just didnt know what to do... it hurts so much seeing him in that state, i want to see him so fuckin much... i just- ” then he cant say anymore.. he’s loss at speech... he’s crying... 

“hyung... why im late to realize this.... why..... he’s already left what should i do.... im fuckin stupid... im so fucking dumb......” 

donghae cries in leeteuk’s shoulder.. leeteuk cant say anything... he just pats donghae’s back softly.. “just wait for him okay.... he’ll be okay..”

donghae still cant figure out why he’s also breaking.... he just feels that his heart is shattered knowing these situations at once.. 

confused, flustered, and mad. he’s mad at himself... 

“how can i never realize  in these time being?” 

part 1 end 

[hellbabyfromhell]

i was writing a small thing and then it became big... just my thoughts about my life as of today.

the asks people sent when i told my whole stupid story about my dumb ass life were really very kind and sweet.... i read through them sometimes.... im not trying to Fish for anything when i say this but like... idk the situation i was in made it really hard for me to leave without feeling bad, and they’d thought up every way to in some way make me guilty even though objectively there wa literally nothing..... idk just, me personally i take every bad emotion a person i care about is feeling or might possibly be feeling or may feel at a future time and i soak it in like a sponge.... so they knew if they made me feel bad enough it’d make me stay.....i guess i kind of already made a post about this but some people sent asks about having gotten through situations like this, and people generally like.... expressed pride in me... lame but ever since i disconnected from everyone i ever knew before my dad died excluding maiya and online friends..... i guess what im saying is ever since my dad died and i lost that familial feeling of living in dc because i had to move, and i was far from anything i knew... i felt so, so so weak and frail, and living in my old situation was crushing me up into a tiny ball.... i feel stupid saying it but it feels good when people are proud of me ; _ ; and im proud of me too.... i really felt so small, and i was like genuinely despondent and ready to die, but i realized like.... with all the crazy ass shit that had happened to me, it would have been so easy to just Die..... and for 2 years i was barely present, but i like....survived.... and really, that was a bad time. i used to scoff when people would say i was strong for that, because i’d think: “what’s so strong about not dying...” because it felt like a suspended plan frankly (grimace emoji im typing) but i also decided that i would try as HARD as possible to NEVER act like teen me again.  because right up until my dad died, i was a brat who was unwilling to take in feedback.... i wasn’t Bad or anything (questionable) but i’d go to therapy and goof off because i was very flippant about it in a passive aggressive way.... like, CLEARLY this STUPID BULLSHIT wont help me so ill be REALLY sarcastic about it! im cool! i kind of realized it after my dad died but LITERALLY i never did ANYTHING to help myself! like, i’d get really sad, but i’d make no real effort to change that, and i thought it was ANGST and MALAISE and ENNUI, and it was that, but it was also my unwillingness to step into uncharted territory: developing myself as a person consciously lol. at therapy i never took anything in and was too busy trying to make light of my situation that nothing ever got done, and i realized i never took any advice anyway.... like, when people say “try meditation”..... like Duh thats a stupid reply but also like.... Have you? i hadnt until recently.... and guess what! it didnt work at all! but i am like willing to try literally anything (within reason) and i want to ACCEPT everything just like.... 

i was SO ADAMANT about rejecting like...... idk Norms?????? as a teen , i really dont know what my aim was but it wasn’t working and i was making people annoyed because i’d whine and whine over my problems but never do anything to fix it, and i’d go and say “NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!!!” with like 5 people messaging me. idk just, life was handing me little tools with which to improve and better myself and i refused. i was a fool at therapy and i was annoying and SOOOOO depressed but weirdly comfortable with it simply out of unwillingness to change  my habits.....you know? and after my dad died, like... everything i previously felt was just......i just realized how incredibly petty it all was? NOT t say im not petty now, but i was like GOD DAMN i was suicidal.... over that? like i was really crying and freaking out over THIS? my two years of like PTSD cocoon  smoothed it out to the point that it almost just feels like i was thinking for a really, really long time, and only came to when i felt the answer coming on. i’m not saying i don’t still grapple with self pity and stuff but i kind of blinked and absorbed the WORLD for the first time...... i really wasn’t living life yet. i was 19 which is Older than 18 and i lived with my dad and his gf and i was fresh out of high school doing a little community college.... like i was walking around dc and having a grand old time going to the cliff and the woods and then id go home and talk about how badly i wanted to die..... i just like.... i decided that i CANNOT waste any more of my time acting like that because i wasted my most precious time, time with my dad, acting like a crybaby. i’m just disgusted thinking about how many opportunities i had to be happy and have a good time that i DECIDED not to take. and i can’t even really explain why still, but i just know i can never ever be like that ever again oh god the bird is tweeting its mornign sorry im back... just SORRY that was my roundabout way of saying like... i guess i have changed and like a LOT, and i DO feel strong... so thank you for caring about y progress!! AHH!!

[trackinghallownest]

-slides into your dms- tell me about your vessel ocs!!!! Whose your favorite. Everyone has a favorite even if they don't like to admit it! And is it ok if I draw them interacting with my vessel ocs?

HHfngfh gh i’m,,, thank you for this ask i’m dying,, i will absolutely go off if you dont mind me taking this chance!! ft doodles!! because i can!! and you absolutely can draw them with yours i will probably cry and definitely draw interactions back udfkfhvdf;;

some of this i may have mentioned in other posts but i cant for the life of me keep track of what ive put here compared to the discord so! i’m just going to fact dump! and put under a cut so i don’t completely fill peoples’ dashes shkfd

first is gonna be spindle since. i love them. theyre probably my favourite. and also the first i made. theyre just babie

they really are just babey,,

kind of accidentally an endless source of lifeblood which is a long story but its not.. very fun. to be constantly covered in plants. by adulthood most of their torso and one of their limbs is almost completely replaced/encased in plant matter

they take this pretty well actually. even if it gets a lot harder to move

for a vessel they grew up to full size much quicker than others of their kind, likely due to the lifeblood’s properties, but really nobody has much of a clue. didnt have time to get used to their size and still has VERY bad spatial awareness

broke their horn tip by smacking it on a low ceiling hkfdnfbdmvdf

plants bursting out of their shell and eye have pretty badly damaged it, and they can’t see out of the broken eye

theyre trying their hardest!! always!! they can’t move around very well and sometimes get lonely sitting at home in dirtmouth but they’re friendly to just about anybody and have so much love to give

seriously they dont even eat but they like to make sure they have food and drink at home in case anyone drops in and needs it

they’ve never been able to fight, and shy away from violence or combat in all forms

very scared of the dark and carries a lantern with them at all times, usually around their neck

discharges excess lifeblood into soil and grows a garden from it - keeps it from overtaking their body any further, and it’s something to do

not the best at communicating since a wood arm makes signing stiff and tricky, but they’re not much of a talker (signer?) anyway

then we have scratch n thimble who are kinda twins but not really. yeah those are matching scarves they are Bros (sibs??)

scratch FIGHTS THINGS and USES A REAL BIG NAIL

the biggest of all my vessel ocs, just in general. a big and strong friend

made it to the palace but got tossed for starting to care too much and takin a blow for another sibling. saved thimble from dying down there too and they were absolutely inseparable since

really just the embodiment of the ‘you befriended x! x would now die for you’ meme not gonna lie

has almost literally died for Multiple siblings n friends before but they wouldn’t let them. which is, a good thing

too reckless for their own good especially in their younger years but thankfully mellows out quite a bit by adulthood

tries to keep up a strong stoic front but also doesnt hesitate to abandon it if needed. theyre big soft really (they wont admit it tho)

has The Biggest soft spot for kids do not let them tell you otherwise

fought for the sake of it in the colosseum for many years before Stuff And Things involving yet another vessel happened and they kinda trashed the place and never went back

their nail is about as big and heavy as their entire body and they’re surprisingly good at using it for something so unwieldy. could probably crush most bugs just by virtue of it being So Damn Big

spends a lot of time when grown at the howling cliffs keeping an eye on those travelling into the kingdom, and deterring those with malicious intent

they got that eye wound from their sibling… it was technically an accident. they still don’t talk about it though

contrary to their twin thimble is the smallest vessel (as a babby at least - they do end up standing taller than spin and ruth when fully grown)

they have the very unfortunate problem of their shade having fused with void tendrils from the abyss sea as a babby

as such their shade is very violent and kinda has a habit of literally bursting out their shell and lashing out at anything around them under stress

eventually they get a handle on it and learn to control the literally overflowing void inside them but until then their entire life is pretty much a big clusterfuck of trying not to kill people, which they hate

they’re very timid and shy and cling to familiar figures (especially scratch) probably too much, but strike out on their own much more growing up 

theyre very strong and capable, moreso than most magic users, but you wouldn’t guess it. the only time they’d even consider showing it is in another’s defense

uses void tendrils like extra limbs. very functional! can hold many things (or offer many hugs) at once. may be slightly slimy though.

their cloak is very long and would probably benefit from being trimmed shorter but they absolutely refuse to let anyone touch it. its kinda grimy at this point and they trip a lot but don’t do anything about it

friends with a bunch of mossflies they picked up in the gardens! they all have names

can communicate with other void-creatures by sharing some of their own void! this was discovered entirely by accident but very useful, if awkward to explain

sure they’re kinda timid and like being on their lonesome, but they’re also very level-headed and friendly, and get along very well with low-energy quieter sorts of people especially

ruth is a small vessel rn/as far as i’ve worked out a timeline for! i know what they look like big but as far as the content on this blog currently goes theyre just .. smal

actual infant. hadnt actually been wandering out of the abyss that long before being dragged up to the colosseum to fight for sport

really doesnt have much of a clue how to act at first, other than ‘stab things before they stab you’

their name comes from ‘ruthless’, a nickname they got in the colosseum because they literally did not (appear to) give two shits whether they lived or died in battle. they’d just come back, anyway

scratch was the one that found them flinging a nail around and immediately went ‘oh thats a baby. this is bad, actually’

for the first short while of freedom scratch is the only one they’ll let even get close to them, and pretty much clings to them relentlessly. not a moments rest

they were actually pretty badly infected by the time they were broken out but theyre better now (another long story)

doesn’t have a natural cloak - it was ripped out and never grew back in. they make do though! their ‘new’ one was made from part of scratch’s that they ripped off and fixed together. they love it more than anything

once they actually figured out not everyone was out to kill them they stopped fighting back, and became a lot more curious and lively in general

still has a very warped and guarded sense of trust, however

kinda iffy around weapons and reacts badly to confrontation but does eventually learn to fight again (just.. in a better way)

pretty short even when grown, and going by height alone is the shortest when they’re all big

likes picking up pretty trinkets and things and carrying them around. has a few tied to their horns (as well as many pockets)

i have just now decided that spite counts as well! they dont actually survive to adulthood in any timeline i have currently (sorry spite) so big spite is entirely a theoretical but theyre fun to draw so

now spite? spite wins the babiest baby award

has one single braincell that bounces around their shell like a windows screensaver

their name indicates they are capable of feeling any negative emotion or hatred which is entirely untrue. by the time this was figured out they already wouldn’t answer to anything else

absolutely no sense of self-preservation or common sense. they are, in most regards, a very cute and very stupid dog

got lost on their way out of the abyss the first time around, ended up in the lighthouse and met friend mori!! was almost caught but eventually smuggled out and away

spent a lot of the time on the run in city of tears with said friend who was pretty much presumed dead by then. got taken in by a family, enjoyed themselves for a while

…but were eventually caught and thrown right back into the abyss along with mori killing them both for real this time. unfortunately.

cut to MANY years later and oops! their shade fused with the corpse and for some ungodly reason theyre both alive. time for the worst buddy comedy ever ft. literal pile of goop and body parts

spite does not seem to know nor care that theyre dead however

mostly happy to sit up there on mori’s shell and nap for hours at a time or fiddle with literally anything in reach. give them a cool rock and they’ll be entertained for hours. they are but a simple creacher

they do actually eventually learn to use a nail but who’s idea was it to give a child a sword. seriously i just wanna talk

[wildtorres-a]

surprise, surprise.

WHAT? —  when drew finds lia outside of the torres household at an odd hour, he invites her in, and in turn receives some news that is sure to change both of their lives.

WHEN? —   saturday night, april 11th.

TRIGGERS? —  pregnancy, mention of drugs, mention of death.

FEATURING —  lia rosenburg ( @rosenburg-lia ), brief appearance of mike dallas ( @dallas-micheal )

i cant be pregnant, theres not a possibly way this shit is correct That was all that was going through Lias mind since the night prior. A very restless night of tossing and turning with dreams and nightmares of what was to come. One second dreaming about the perfect white picket fence life, Drew playing catch with their son in the yard. Amelia cooking in the kitchen with their daughter as the animals roamed around. The next her and Drew at each others throats, no ounce of happiness shining on either of their faces. Waking up and staring at the ceiling while she thought of every scenario her little brain could.

Thats how she found herself outside of the Torres residence, creeping down the side of the house. She knew better than to knock on the front door, it was almost midnight and the last thing she needed was Audra on her case for coming to her house so late. She cautiously knocked on the sliding glass door, hoping either Drew or Dallas heard her. Her body shaking, maybe from the frigid Canadian nights and her thin tracksuit. Or maybe it was the anxiety flowing through every ounce of her body as she continued to knock.

drew had alot on his mind, to say the least. he had just gotten back from edmonton a few hours prior, and all he wanted to do was take a shower and go to sleep. he didn’t have any more emotions to give for the night, was both physically and emotionally exhausted. he figured he’d talk to both omar and audra about alex the following day, and see if there was anything they could do to reunite the siblings. figuring that he could at least eat a bowl of cereal, being that he hadn't eaten anything all day, he started making his way down the steps and towards the kitchen.

it's only a few seconds later, that he hears the gentle knocks against the glass, and he raises his eyebrows in confusion at who it could be, especially at this time at night. he makes his way over, moving the curtain to see the girl he’d been thinking about since he got home, amongst all the chaos. quickly, he unlocks the door, opens it, and pulls her in. “lia, what are you doing here?” he questions, not unhappy to see her. “you’re freezing,” he comments, pulling his nike jacket off and draping it around her petite shoulders. “come on,” he grabs her hand, and leads her up to his room, forgetting about what he'd initially went downstairs for. thankful that everyone else is asleep, he closes the door before making his way over to her and connecting their lips.

she saw his figure as he came downstairs, even in the barely there lighting she could tell it was him. she wasnt sure what to expect, the last time she had laid eyes on him she slapped him. but she didnt know what else to do at this stage, she had already spoken to Vanessa, put it out into the universe. drew was her best friend once, she should be able to just talk to him about it, she hoped anyway.

Her face lit up, not that she was aware, or if drew had even noticed. But the second her eyes landed on his face, you could see something in her perk up. even with the hostility she held towards the boy at the moment, he always held a special place in her heart and it felt nice to see him again. "I needed to talk to you," She spoke softly, her eyes meeting his for a second, "thank you," sliding her arms through the jacket and tugging it around her petite frame. her eyes trail to their hands, a soft smile on her lips as she followed him to his room. Taking the brief second to look around before his lips were on hers. Almost forgetting the reason she came as she melted into it. A few minutes into the heated makeout session, it was like a spark in Lia as she pushed Drew away, "No, we need to talk," She spoke sharply, as if realizing she had made a mistake or something. She hadnt meant to come and hook up with Drew, that had been the furthest thing from her mind. "Plus someone said he wasnt good for me," She spoke with a pointed tone as she sat on his bed, tucking her legs into a pretzel shape.

the brunette had been trying to make sense of his thoughts about the girl he’d been trying to avoid for the past week. trying to decide if they had done the right thing that memorable night, if they ruined their friendship, in the right way or wrong. it was clear that the thought of her hadn’t left his mind, the feel of her lip gloss against his lips, how something as simple as her touch made him fill with warmth, the way her eyes shined when he made her laugh or smile. he’s not sure exactly what this entails, but there’s some part of him that’s kicking himself for not having seen this before. how was it possible that amelia rosenburg had been there all this time, and he was only now noticing how great she really was.

and suddenly he's so glad that she’s here. not even just for sex, now having noticed just how hard it was to stay away from her. wanting to text her every time he heard a funny joke, or came up with an idea for their next scheme, or just wanting to hear about her day. — and still, he liked her enough to keep his distance, she deserved far more than he could give her, everyone did. “i’m all ears,” he says once they're in the room. lips moving along with hers in sync, tongue slipping into her mouth, until suddenly she pulls away. still wanting to be near to her, he sits down beside her, and pulls her soft hand back into his, bringing her closer. “i think we’ve established that i’m an idiot,” he grins, before letting out a sigh, “but i’m not, good for you. still i have something to tell you,” he gazes into her eyes, “i wasn’t at a motel fucking some girl, i was… looking for my birth mom. she-” still has great difficulty uttering the words, and yet he swallows and tries again. “she overdosed about three months ago, and she left because she never wanted me,” hold backs the pain that washes over him, but can’t stop his jaw from clenching. “i thought about her for years, and she just didn't want me” the words fall from his lips slowly, taking it all in.

while lias feelings hadnt stayed the same about drew the whole friendship, she knew for certain he was a staple in her life. sophomore year lia wouldve been more than ecstatic to find out what had transpired between the teens. her feelings for the male at an all time high, something had been telling her that he had felt the same back then. only to find out he was with her cousin, and she was happy for them. but there was something about how easily he made things feel okay. made her feel happy with a simple text, if something happened in her day her first instinct was to send him a long snapchat about it.  spamming him with memes on hastygram, the little things they did for eachother. but now, things had changed, and all the feelings she pushed down, pushed away because she knew their happiness was important. they came bubbling up, the only thing circling her mind being drew torres, and what a lovely thought it was.

finding herself in his room, the air thick with several emotions, each more unknown than the last. but it felt okay, felt right to be there with him. suddenly realizing how much she needed him, he made the little things important. he knew her little quirks and habits, if there was a dog he had to point it out if she hadnt seen it already, so she could go pet it, and he became her photographer for it. he knew her coffee order like it was nothing, if they went out to eat he knew her order, knowing to get the tomatos out of all burgers or salads. he paid attention to the details, and it made lia feel cared for. by someone in her life, for something other than her body or connections. Shifting closer to the male, her hand wrapping around his,"Youve always been an idiot," she joked, shaking her head lightly, before resting it on his shoulder, "Youre great for me Drew, why cant you understand that?" She spoke softly, lifting her head as she turned to face him. Meeting his gaze, her thumb softly rubbing circles on the back of his hand as he spoke.

She listened as he spoke, letting him get out what he needed to. But she also didnt know what to say, she hadnt expected the words that had fallen from his lips. "Im sorry you had to find out the way you did, I cant even begin to imagine how that feels. Nor will I pretend to know how youre feeling right now," She spoke, knowing that would never be enough for him to hear. shuffling herself closer, wrapping herself around him in a hug. "But with that being said," She began, taking a deep breath, "Im sorry that she choose drugs over an amazing man with a heart of gold. Someone who looks for the best in people, and just wants to grow and become better. I know you dont see it, you see the bad. But god Drew, there is so much good," She spoke, glancing up to meet his gaze as she spoke. "Its her fault for choosing not to be a part of your life, her fault for choosing the substances over you. You can not put any blame on yourself baby, none of it is your fault," She spoke, not sure if he had even felt that way, but it felt right to say.

drew knew that this situation wasn’t the best, him having dated her cousin only a year earlier. had fallen in love quickly amongst the many late nights staying up on the phone, the many days spent either hanging with their larger group of friends or interesting dates, and getting to know each other’s each and every detail. it was unbelievable to think that just a few months ago, drew was venting to lia about tori’s all but expected disappearing act. they quickly become closer than they had when tori was present, drew often hanging out with lia when his thoughts became too much. and in those moments, although he hadn’t really noticed it, he stared to pick up on her details. not really giving it a second thought, he placed her on the same shelf that vanessa and becky were on, chalking her up as another best friend. now that things had drastically changed between them, he indeed knew it was messy to be romantically involved with both cousins, even more so them being as close as they are, and degrassi would have a field day when they catch wind of what’s been going on behind closed doors. but he can’t find himself to care, at least not enough to fully walk away. to put an end to whatever it is that they have going on, and tell her it couldn’t go any further, hoping things could go back to how they were. she’d been his rock all along. loyal and sweet and always there for him, wanting nothing in return but his company.

he grins at her remark, knowing that in a sense, she’s never really viewed him as an idiot, at least not the way he’s been labeled his whole life. finds solace under her touch. he shakes her head at her words, although some part of him wants to believe her. to believe that he’d do anybody good. but god, he ruins everything he touches. “because i’m not, lia,” he remarks, “i'm not as smart as the other guys. i mess up. i always say or do the wrong thing. you’re better off”

he finishes, holds his emotions in as well as he can, has already told himself that he wouldn’t drop another tear. and he draws a breath, and allows her to comfort him. doesn’t shy away or tell her that she’s wrong, just leans into her embrace, and lets her words sink in, having already shown her his vulnerability. can’t help the pull at his heart strings as she talks further, silently wondering what it was he'd done to get someone like her in his life. many girls have talked drew up, seeing only his features — sharp cheekbones, electric blue eyes, handsome face, and the rebellious personality to match. nothing any of them have ever said has effected him in the way she had right now, only speaking with raw emotion, her eyes telling it all. he cups her right cheek, slowly leaning in and giving her a kiss full of passion, not even attempting to slip his tongue in, more concerned with her getting a feel for the emotions he has stored for her. pulling away, he removes his hand. “thank you,” he smiles, weakly, but still there. “for everything. you’re seriously amazing,” he compliments. his mind going back to her initial statement, recalling the faint urgency in her voice as she pulled away from the first kiss he brought upon her lips. knows when something’s bothering her and is intrigued on what it is she has to tell him. “now, what did you need to tell me?” curiosity shining in blue hues.

it seemed like the world had been moving in fast forward the past couple of months, between the closest females in her life both leaving and coming back, her connection to both luke and drew growing over the course of them. while Luke would always hold a part of Lias heart, since they spent day in and day out with one another, drew captivated her. she just wanted to know if he was ok, that he felt cared for and wanted, chalking it up to being a good friend. But she also found herself wanting to just spend time with Drew, even if they were sat in silence, his presence was enough to make the dark seem light in her insane life. And maybe she knew there was always a thought in the back of her mind, the idea of something more. And if you were to tell her this time last year, that she'd find herself wrapped around Drew Torres  going to tell him she was pregnant, she'd label you as crazy.

She rolled her eyes at his words, "Im not as smart as the other girls, i tend to become a bitch if I dont get my way, i use money as a means of happiness when its not. My list could go on and on drew," She spoke, "We all have our issues, our flaws that we look in the mirror and point out. Or say to ourselves with that little voice. And I will be here to show you how amazing you are when it gets to loud," A smile sent his way, "I couldnt begin to imagine life without you Torres, so please dont try and leave it,"

his touch felt gentle on her skin, different than the other moments between them. this was something different, there was something laced in the kiss between both parties. but she still found herself sinking into it, feeling on top of the world at the feeling she got. something telling her everything would be ok. "I wouldnt say amazing, but ill always be here," A small shrug, before her eyes trained to a spot on the floor. Slowly unraveling herself from Drew, as she thought of what to say. Partially because through Drew unloading his story, she had semi forgotten why she had came there in the first place. How do you tell someone youre pregnant? Let alone the last person you ever thought would be in the position with you, and had just informed you of his own family problems, that he didnt need added to. Her fingers pulling and spinning the ring sat on her hand, her gaze unwavering from the pile of clothes sat on his floor. "Um," she began lightly, "I wasnt feeling all that well, and I had realized I missed my period," her fidgeting becoming faster as her mind worked over the words. Admitting them to Vanessa was different, vastly different than telling Drew. She glanced up briefly meeting his eyes before her gaze fell back to the floor, "So I headed to the little corner store from my place," A deep breath as she quietly, almost silently spoke, "The test came back positive drew,"

it was no secret that ever since he stepped foot, or wheel rather, back in toronto, his mind couldn’t find anything good to focus on. in the span of one night, he’d uncovered the reason his mother had left, uncovered that she had given up both her children, that he had a sister he’s never known about that was fifteen years old, adopted, and didn’t have a clue about her dysfunctional family, and the fact that he’d never receive the closure he’d been needing for so long. only having the words of her former boyfriend to go by. he hadn’t really expected to talk about it with anyone, forcing it down, and having the mindset of just going numb, avoiding the thoughts at all costs. and yet, found himself venting to lia the first chance he gets. something about her had always been so comforting, so understanding, and drew doesn’t think he could have felt better about opening up to anyone else. another part of him wanting her to know that she’s the only girl he’s been with sexually for weeks, hell, he hasn’t even been entertaining other girls, unread messages from his usual conquests building up in his phone.

as he hears her start to list her flaws, he frowns a bit, knowing that she’s only doing it because he had, to prove a point. but he can't help but hope she gives herself a little more credit than that. “i happen to think you’re perfect,” he comments, letting her continue, until there’s a bright smile on his face. realizing that in all of this mess, all of the bad thoughts, and words he hadn’t meant, and just attempting to dodge her in general had hurt her. the expression of pure sadness that flashed across her face when he pushed her away at the party, the smack she’d given him at school, he’d been stupid to think that it would last long, stupid to have ever started it. “i’m sorry,” he gets out, “for acting like an ass and pushing you away, you deserve better than that, and i want you in my life too” he gives her a charming smile, although his eyes shine with honesty.

this would be the fifth time he had been rendered speechless. the anticipation of what would end up leaving her lips, what happened to be so important that she’d made her way here in the middle of the night, a quarter to midnight. with it being so late, he feels she should just stay the night. audra had the day off tomorrow, and with his luck, she slept in till the afternoon, giving the two enough time to come up with the story that she’d come over earlier in the morning if she was still here by then. as lia moves away, drew can’t help the furrow of his eyebrows, and the assumption that whatever it was she’d say wouldn’t be something small. takes note of her timid actions, the way she doesn’t meet his eyes as she talks. and then the words ‘missed period’ sets an alarm off in his head. his eyes widening, along with the beat of his heart, as she continues. stops himself from asking ‘and?’ allowing her to go at his own pace. and his mind flashes back to that night, the rush of it all, the sensual touches, heavy breathing, and the lack of condom, as he spread her legs and lined himself up. too eager to feel all of her, he hadn’t even given it a second thought. and suddenly she’s saying the words he anticipated, and even though he had a feeling where this was going, it still catches him completely off guard. “i–” he starts, doesn’t finish, runs a hand through his hair, as he processes all of the information. “woah,” he breathes out, the words repeating in his mind over and over on a loop. meeting her eyes, he glances over her, can’t stop his eyes from trailing over her stomach. “it–it’s okay, are you okay? do you need some water, or some ice cream? cause i can run to the store,” he's rambling a mile a minute, still in partial shock.

Everything was easier with Drew around, she didnt have to act a certain way or put up any defensive barriers. she had never been one to open up to a lot of people and tell them her thoughts and feelings. let alone on a consistent basis if she did, choosing to pretend that everything was find and that she didnt have any. but with drew she would just talk about things, whatever came to mind she would share with him. knowing he would listen, maybe make a stupid comment, but hed listen. that was what she needed for so long, just someone to listen to her and show her she was cared for. that was part of what Drew did for her, made the dark seem a little lighter. she had felt herself pulling from the other guys in her life, even Luke who she had finally got where she thought she wanted him. but she found herself wanting drew, in more ways than one. but she didnt know how to articulate that to him, to explain what she wanted from whatever it was they had been doing.

"Perfect may be a bit of a stretch," she chuckled, "But go on," She teased, a matching smile coming to her face. she hated admitting her weaknesses, and when she couldnt hide her emotions from Drew at the party it was like a part of her exterior cracked. the walls she had formed between the two had been broken, and she realized she was back in love with him, or the idea of him for now. she didnt like the idea of a life without him in it, and hated feeling like she was disposable from his life. She didnt enjoy slapping him at school, but the petty bitch in her had taken over, and she was putting the walls back up piece by piece. hoping it wouldve helped her feel better, to work through what was happening, but it didnt. "I dont know why you did it, but Im sure you had your reasons," She shrugged, "But dont think Im gonna let it fly again. You are stuck with me Torres, learn to deal with it," She spoke, a smile spreading across her features as she sent a wink his way.

She didnt know how he would react, expecting anger, or confusion. maybe some accusations or denial. she wasnt positive if they had used a condom or not, she didnt remember seeing a single wrapper around the hotel room. and she sure hadnt brought any on their spontaneous trip, and she didnt think drew had either. when she saw the word pregnant on the stick, her world shifted. but she could remember the night clear as day, every touch, every breath, every word, and even the moment she felt him skin to skin in the most intimate way. she was nervous for his reaction, glancing at him with watchful eyes as he processed it. her hand running through her hair with a sigh, waiting for him to say something, put her at ease somehow. but she didnt expect him to ask her about food, her brows scrunching together as she looked up at him,"I...why would I want food? its damn near midnight?" She spoke, shaking her head, "Im like a couple weeks at best, there is no way im out here craving ice cream already dumbass," She spoke with an eye roll, a teasing tone on her voice however, as a smile played at her lips. "But thank you, the effort is appreciated and not unnoticed,"

it wasn’t difficult to see that drew had a lot on his plate, his eyes didn’t have that same spark it always had, he hadn’t been able to focus in his classes despite the fact that clare was definitely a huge help and he’d been showing improvement the week before. every time he closed his eyes, he seen rocky’s face, his cheeks upwards in glee, his heartwarming giggle, the way his face lit up when he would bring him some toys or pizza. and now, it had only gotten worse, and he would see his mother’s grave as well. the white roses he’d laid before her tombstone, as he said both hello and goodbye the only chance he was given. it also wasn’t hard to see that being around lia in their small moments had managed to do him some good. finding himself forming a warm smile, or chuckling at one of her jokes, taking him out of the dark he’d lately gotten used to. it wasn’t unusual, them being friends for years, and drew finding it very easy to unwind around her. but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't been thinking about them in a romantic dynamic, and he'd be lying even more if he said he didn’t consider it, taking their friendship to the next level, giving them a try to see where it leads, despite the backlash he knows he’ll receive for dating both cousins who consider the other as a best friend, the same cousin he assumes is soundly asleep in the guest room four doors down. but they’ve gone too far in to stop now, the way he sees it, it makes more sense to go for it, even if right now isn’t exactly the best time. perhaps he’ll wait, doesn’t want to have to hide around the beginning of their relationship if they do decide to make something out of it, wait until all of the chaos simmers down, before he makes any big decisions. and yet, he can't stop the part of him that yearns to kiss her whenever she’s nearby and the scent of her perfume clouds his thoughts.

“it definitely isn’t,” he counters, can’t help how easy it is to play along with her words. and he’s only now noticing that she doesn’t have to try too hard when the roles are reversed either. he accepts her request, eyes locked on hers. “you're gorgeous, and you're smart whether it’s street or book wise, you always go out of your way to help your friends, you’re fun as hell, and i haven't been able to get you out of my mind the past few days.” the surprise on his face is evident, not meaning to actually voice the last part, but it’s too late to take it back now. he had always found lia attractive, and now that he thought back, he never considered her a sister figure like he had with maya or vanessa. finds it ironic that a year ago, he was lifting her chin up to remind her how great she was, and to not forget it, had a boy she was interested in not felt the same way back. now he was lifting her chin to place his lips on hers. oh, how the times have changed. bites his lower lip, doesn’t want to repeat his reasons, knows that it’s no good now, since he can’t seem to let go. “what, are you gonna smack me again? cause that was kind of hot” he smirks, sending her the wink right back.

he's not certain if there’s a set reaction for this, a right or wrong. he does however know that his lack of words isn’t exactly comforting, and when he does manage to find words, he’s not exactly proud of them either.  but god, he’s trying his best. hadn’t really expected to have this conversation, but isn't at all making it out to be negative, despite their mess of a situation. he’s not even thinking of it long term, his mind trying to grasp it fully, but he's got too many thoughts, making it difficult to focus on one. he mentally face palms, as his right hand goes to scratch the back of his neck nervously. “yeah, that was pretty dumb, wasn’t it?” he asks, evidently embarrassed. he lets out a breath, taking her hand in his, and making sure he has her full attention. “but it’s gonna be okay, i’m here for you…always.” he reassures, “i’ll take care of you and the baby, whatever you decide.” he kisses her cheek, bringing her onto his lap. “stay with me here tonight?” he pleads, as his hand hesitantly hovers over her stomach, his mind trying to imagine a human growing inside. “and we can set up a doctor’s appointment one of these upcoming days. it’s going to be alright, baby. it’s all going to be okay.” he repeats, kissing against her hair. he's not sure if he believes it himself, but he can only imagine how she feels and he'd be damned if he wasn’t going to try his best to make her feel at ease.

For as long as she could remember, Lia had problems expressing her feelings to others, even if they were good ones. Her parents would always brush her off or give her a, that’s wonderful sweetie, even when she was a toddler, crying in the doorway, her stuffed dolphin held firmly in her grasp. If she went to her siblings, they werent accepting of her feelings, her being the youngest she didnt have nearly as much to deal with. That she was a kid and they wouldnt last, over within ten minutes. But that all stuck with Lia as she got older, forming her connections in the world. Tori being the main person she could find herself getting lost in conversation with, going over all the details on certain topics. And then Drew came into her life, and she had another person to talk to, someone that made it easy to talk to. But anyone with two eyes could see how easily the two souls fit together, how simple it was for the two to just exist. Lia had known from a young age she thought of Drew as more of a friend. She remembered distinctly the day she realized she saw him differently, as someone she could see herself with romantically. It had been a rough day for her at her house, a fight with her parents having broken out once again, and Lia needed out. A text to Drew was sent, and within seconds he replied and they agreed to meet at the park. It was midnight. She had never experienced someone caring enough to risk their own ass just to make sure she was ok, and they were barely friends then. But it solidified Drew into her heart, and the feelings she once held were back in full force. But she wasnt gonna ruin what they had, she wasnt gonna let herself ruin the one good thing going for her, even if it wasnt entirely what she wanted. But the part of her that wanted nothing more than to be held and kissed by Drew was thriving, and loved every second of their life. She was scared for the future, with her feelings, but she was prepared to let Drew have them if he wanted them.

A shy smile broke across her face, his eyes filled with such honesty she couldnt help the blush that was rising to her face at his words. Her eyes widening slightly at the end of his statement, taking in the look of shock on his face, but his eyes still held with honestly, and a little something else that she couldnt place. “That makes two of us,” She spoke softly, biting her lip. “You remember that guy I was complaining about breaking my heart last year?” She questioned, her heart skipping a beat as she spoke. A surge of confidence flowing through her, even if for a brief moment she let herself believe that he felt the same. Smiling into the soft kiss he gave her, her hand resting on his leg. Simply needing to just touch him. “Well if someone didnt try and do stupid shit maybe I wouldnt have to,” She chuckled, “Glad to know Im hot when im angry,” a small shrug with a smirk on her lips.

She let him go at his own pace, contemplating just laying down while she waited, but decided against that. She knew he was trying, and that was all she could ask. The thoughts going through her head were impossible to process, she couldnt imagine being the one to have gotten the girl pregnant. “It wasnt dumb,” she spoke with a small head shake, “Its cute,” A small smile on her face, her eyes glancing at their hands before looking at him. Her eyes tearing up at his words, never having heard them with such sincerity before. Allowing herself to be brought into Drews lap, breathing in his scent, her body instantly relaxing into his. Realizing just how tired she was, having barely slept for the past week. Between worrying about Drew and her fight with Tori, and now this pregnancy. She needed a good nights rest. “I know you will baby,” A whisper as she kissed the base of his neck softly, “I want nothing more than to wake up in your arms tomorrow,” her sleep deprived brain not even processing her words. Her eyes glancing down to his hand. Softly pressing it against her stomach, her hand resting against his as her eyes futtered shut. Listening to him speak, and nodding along softly with his words, “Youre here,” She spoke, “You didnt push me away, or yell at me. Or accuse me of anything. Thats more than enough for me,”

he recalls his first time seeing her, the memory still being so vivid, despite the years that have passed by. she was degrassi’s new student and from what he heard, she was turning heads and had most of the student body doing double takes. he'd seen her in the midst of meeting the coach to talk about his slip up in grades, knowing that he would be able to persuade him easily since his latest grade point average weren’t too much lower than the required minimum. and when he finally spotted her in the hallways, he’d understood what all the fuss was about. he hadn’t been the type to stare, at least not too noticeably, but he just couldn’t look away. she was pretty, gorgeous even, and the outfit she was wearing only made her all the more alluring. the skirt she had on wasn't too short, but he remembers trailing up and down her legs. remembers that he had to turn himself away, had to remind himself what he even was walking this way for, having lost all train of thought. and by lunch time, he’d spotted her out of the crowd with a quickness. dallas settling down, tray in hand, following his gaze. remembers his eyes scrunching up in confusion when dallas tells him to not waste his time. and minutes later, it all makes sense when tori and vanessa come to the table, new girl following behind, and tori introduces everyone to her cousin who’d just transferred. he recalls the visible shock that seeps past his face, before he smiles, greets her, invites her to their table for the long run, and pulls tori into his lap, pecking her on the cheek. by the end of the week, they'd all made friends with the girl, and it was as if she’d been apart of the group all along. no signs of awkwardness or hesitation among the group. drew pushing the two second interest and attraction he'd developed for her to the back of his mind, until it was completely gone. and now he wonders, if it ever really left, or if he knew to just not act on them.

that makes two of us. doesn’t stop the smile that stretches across his face, the breath that emits out in relief. he’d only had a half theory that she reciprocated the feelings, but now that he knows he hadn’t been in the wrong whenever the thought of her passed his mind, he’s not so doubtful anymore about asking her to be his girlfriend. yet, he still doesn’t think tonight's the best time, not when there’s so much to process. his eyebrows furrow a bit, “yeah? the idiot who couldn’t see what was right in front of him? what about him?” he questions, eyes looking intently into hers, before he smirks along with her. “oh, hot doesn’t even begin to describe it. you’re sexy when you’re angry” he chuckles softly, not wanting any of the household’s other occupants to hear him.

he knows that everything has changed tonight, just like it had the night they’d let themselves act on their feelings, cross faded no doubt, but cross faded on each other. every touch from the other, feeling like another shot or another hit of the blunt. he smiles at her, reveling in the fact that she didn’t think he was the idiot he was convinced he was. she’d never thought he was dumb, in fact, or at least she never mentioned it. it was the small things like that he appreciated the most about her. the reason he’d always come running whenever she needed. “you’re cute,” he counters, as she settles in his lap, and he feels at ease. resting his head on hers, something about the way they just fit, making him fill with warmth. everything between them right now felt so gentle, filled with emotions instead of their usual sensual touches, hot and needy, and still he feels the fire, albeit a different kind, under his skin as she kisses him softly on the neck. and when she grabs his hand, and leads it to her stomach, laying hers atop, he knows they can get through this together. knows that he wants to try. “of course i’m here, you’re,” he corrects himself, “the both of you are all i need right now” and maybe he’s tired, exhausted even, but he can’t help the smile that spreads at the thought of a little family. he stands, holding her up, and gently laying her down on the bed. “let me get you something to wear so you can be comfortable, and i can put on netflix,” he says, as he makes his way to one of the drawers, getting one of his long t-shirts he knows will cover most of her body, and smiles at the thought. he doesn’t really plan on watching the movie or show, more-so planning on it being background sound while they cuddle. he turns the light off, before making his way back to the bed, and handing her the remote, letting her choose.

she remembers all the distinct moments in their relationship. The first look, their first time talking, the first time she called him because she just wanted to talk, and the list goes on. he made an impression on her, the first time she walked the halls of degrassi. She had just transferred to the school, asking her parents after her assault, begging to be closer to her cousin. she needed to get away from the places and people she had surrounded herself with. finally making the move, she was excited, ready to meet new people and create a new name for herself. walking in, her heels clicking on the tiles as she walked, a small smirk on her face as she saw the looks she received. always relishing in the attention she received, even if it wasnt good attention. she spotted drew before he had spotted her, spotting him as she came around the corner. standing by his locker with who she'd later learn were Dallas, Luke, and Dave. A wide smile on his face as he threw his head back in laughter. she remembered finding his smile beautiful, one of the ones you just always wanted to seen plastered on their face. but she didnt learn his name, didnt approach the group. instead continued watching from afar as she went to her locker, a smirk on her face when she saw drew watching her, the way he had to pause to think about his actions. and she certainly remembered the small twinge of jealousy she felt when she watched him pull her cousin on his lap when she had finally learned his name. but they clicked, she meshed with the whole group, creating a close bond with all of them. Drew being a stronger one than the others, and her feelings growing as the days went on. until she was informed he had asked Tori out, and she felt her heart break, but had no right. neither party knew of her feelings for the boy, and she had to watch as they fell in love, a part of her kicking herself for never saying anything.

A matching smile spreads across her face, a sense of relaxation washing over her. He felt the same, she knew that by the smile. Where it was gonna go from there she wasnt sure, she knew what she wanted. She wanted to be his, to be able to call him hers, and she hoped that was what he wanted at the end of this. Even if not right now, at least when they were both ready, or felt ready to go public given the backlash they were already facing. But her head couldnt stop swarming with the idea of being with Drew, in all aspects of life, and the smile kept growing. Before chuckling lightly, raising a brow at the raven haired boy across from her, “The idiot had fallen for my cousin,” She spoke, biting her lip softly, “But he was a sweetheart about the situation, not knowing who I was upset about, just being there for me anyway,” She shrugged, “Pretty cool guy,” Rolling her eyes playfully at his words, “Youd love to see me jealous then,”

in that moment, she knew that everything was okay. While everything changed, even more than they're cross faded escapade. it felt different, something washed over the both of them that night, and it wasnt going away anytime soon. while they're usual antics were rushed, and sexual. a fire in them both, just from a look. and her body still felt on fire, but it was different. she felt loved, safe, and secure. something she had never felt before, it was new for her, scary even. but Drew made it all seem okay, made every little thing better.  it gave her a sense of comfort, knowing that at a single text or call Drew would be there. in whatever shape or form he could fathom, she knew he would be. "we're both cute," she spoke with a small giggle, almost like she was a little kid with her crush again. a soft smile at his words, "the both of us," she repeated, feeling them fall off her tongue. the words still felt foreign. but it felt right in a way, being there with Drew, and talking about it. about a family, even if its not right now, she knew a family with Drew was in her future, somehow someway, she just felt it. she allows herself to be placed on the bed, a smile as she watches him before she slips from her track suit. immediately slipping the shirt over her head, slipping under the blanket, curling up into it. taking the remote and putting on shameless, more so for background noise, and if she did want to pay attention she wouldn't be lost. turning back towards Drew, a small smile on her face as she curled into him. her head on his chest, one of her legs stretching over his own. "thank you for being so great. I dont know what I did to deserve you, but I'm forever grateful."

there were evident bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep he’d gotten the past few nights. too much tossing and turning and contemplating the new information he’d gotten out of the tragic loss. was he even able to cry? to miss a touch that he couldn’t place. was it selfish? to mourn someone you didn’t really know. to mourn a loss you didn’t really take. at least, not in the way others had. he’d spent many a night turning on netflix, hoping to get some type of distraction, only for the appeal to fade, and the gears in his head would be at work again. he turned to weed, opening the window and spraying a huge amount of cologne, hoping the smell hadn’t left his room, and even then, it only made him think of it more. the thoughts never leaving, and he knows if he knew now would he hadn’t then, he would of stayed home and saved himself the heartache. he even thought to reach out to the other teenagers in the house, but decided against it, talking about it, made it real and he couldn’t relive it. couldn’t get through all of the details, scared that once he started, he’d never stop. there's a part of him that knows him telling her what he had, wasn’t enough to ease the pain, and he was still very much holding it all in, the pain will eventually build up, and drew will have no choice but to let it consume him. it’s inevitable. but she was here, and he was laughing and smiling, and that was as much as a fix he could ask for tonight.

he recalls the upset look on her face, having come to pick her up from her parent’s house, at an hour that audra would definitely not have been happy with, but he’d heard the tone of her voice, and it took all of three minutes to slip on a jacket, grab his car keys, and head out to the car. he remembers taking her to the park, him finding any way he could to make her laugh, as they sat on the swings, him giving her a push every now and again. and as the wind picked up, and it got later, he finally asked her what was bothering her, despite it being on his mind the whole time. remembers holding her hands in his face, telling her to never cry over a boy, especially not one who was dumb enough to let her pass by, his voice comforting and friendly, as he tells her all of her good qualities and that anyone who didn't see that wasn’t worth it. now that he was back in the room, and she'd said what she had, he was slowly connecting the dots. ”it was me?” his eyes widen only a little, as he thinks back to all of the times it'd just been the three of them hanging out, the others having something to do. and suddenly, he feels like the world’s biggest idiot. feels bad about all of the times they’ve kissed or hugged or any form of affection in front of her. but there’s a hint of happiness there too, and he knows it’s wrong, but their situation isn’t exactly the most innocent anyways. “it was me,” he repeats, more of a statement this time, before he surges forward and pulls her into a passionate kiss, pulling back breathless. “aw damn, guess i’ll never get to see it, since you’re the only girl i’ve got my eyes on” lips curling into a smile.

“damn right,” drew smirks, “just imagine how cute our kid will be,” he jokes. it's all still new to him, but he's processing it, albeit only being told mere minutes ago. he knows they’ll be eighteen around the corner, and even though legally they were to be adults, everyone would still deem it irresponsible. and audra, he didn’t even want to imagine her reaction. but things weren’t all bad, perhaps he’s looking through rose colored glasses, but despite the bad timing, he could see the upsides. the football that was supposed to be rocky's sitting atop his dresser, and he feels hope, hope that if he has a son, or a daughter, he’s not picky, that they can share a bond just as strong. that he won’t be a failure of a parent. perhaps this baby will turn his whole life around, motivate him to become a better man. and as they lay against the sheets, him having slipped in beside her, so that he was on the outside, her closer to the wall, his arm drapes around her, as he chuckles at the intro of the show, only having seen a couple episodes, because she'd wanted to watch it. he slips his fingers through her locks, hoping that it’s relaxing her. “shh, there’s no one else i’d rather be with” he answers simply, “now get some sleep baby”

"it was you," she confirmed with a small nod, a soft smile playing her lips as she watched Drews face. The look of shock, then confusion, the brief flash of guilt that made her brows scrunch for a moment before a small giggle as she kissed him back. holding both sides of his face, a wide grin on her face and her eyes shining with nothing but love for the man sat before her. "our kid will be the cutest," she spoke, pushing all the negative thoughts out of her mind. her families reaction, the doctors appointments, the perception people would have on them as teen parents, all of it being shoved away as she found herself enamored with Drew. her body melting into his as her eyes closed, a soft kiss placed to his chest before she fell asleep, nothing but joy sitting on her mind for once.

the next morning

Dallas stood in the kitchen, waiting for the cheese to melt over the egg before moving it to the toast he had ready. Laughing along with what Adam was saying, both having already devoured two sandwiches before the third brother even awoke. "Im telling you his bitch ass has a hangover. Ill bet money on that shit," He spoke with a chuckle, placing the egg on the bread. "Imma go wake his ass up, and he better be grateful for this shit," Shaking his head, making sure to turn the stove off before leaving the kitchen. Plate in hand as he roamed the halls of the Torres' home humming softly to himself before he found himself in front of Drews door. Laying a small knock on the door before twisting the knob, his eyes widening at the sight of limbs wrapped around one another. Not getting a glance at the females face before he grabbed the football off the dresser, making sure to only hit Drew as he sent it towards the pair. "Yo Torres," He hissed out.

it wasn’t long before the brunette too fell asleep, albeit it was only after she had. wanting to make sure that she was fully at ease, her mind not swirling with thoughts, keeping her awake as he lay beside her, hands still at play in her hair. and when he finally relaxes, turns the tv off with the remote, the room now completely dark, he closes his eyes and lets slumber overtake him. 

and just like he expected, it’s one of the best rests he’s managed this past week. can’t recall when exactly it was that he'd fallen asleep, but he smiles when he wakes up, the sight of lia on his chest, her still asleep, and him still half asleep. he pulls her closer, before closing his eyes once more and easily drifting back to sleep. eyes shoot open quickly when he feels the sudden contact, mind not registering until he’s already sitting up in bed. and when he looks over to see a confused dallas with a plate of food in his hand, he sighs in relief. knows he has to explain, but finds this to be a breeze, rather than if omar or audra had walked in and seen them. ”long story, but i’ll definitely explain later” he breathes out, as he stands, only to walk towards dallas and take the plate that’s evidently for him. “thanks,” he looks over to lia, who stirred a bit in her sleep, and then back to dallas, “now, how fucked am i?

[negasonicimagines]

Gladdest (Soulmate AU)

For this, I’ll be using the soulmate AU where what happens to your soulmate’s body happens to you. I’m not sure who originally came up with this. Basically, how it works, is like, if your soulmate gets punched in the face, you feel like you’ve been punched in the face. If your soulmate dies, you don’t die, but you feel it. Same with broken bones, you’ll feel it, but your arm won’t actually be broken. But not just pain, other stuff. Like if your soulmate cries, you’ll feel it, but you don’t cry unless they’re super heartbroken, or if they get a really good hug you feel it, too. In my version of this AU, the pain and other feeling doesn’t start until you turn sixteen. Imagine how fucked up it would be if that wasn’t the case and you had a partner older than you? Like, while 13-year old Bill gets in a fight, his soulmate, who is only 3, feels the same punches and kicks. It’d be so fucked up.

warnings: nsfw (but no actual sex, just a lot of talking about it [and masturbation] and some sexually tense scenes), the reader nearly has a panic attack (again, i know, sorry. what can I say? I project), & reader has a thing for.... erotic asphyxiation. let me know if i missed anything.

I am very open to writing a part two with smut... I just chickened out with this because I felt it wouldn’t be good writing.

You’d been sixteen for a little while now, and there hadn’t been much contact from your soulmate aside from the occasional feel of a phone falling on your face and smacking it.

It’s the beginning of a new school year at Xavier’s, and you’re pretty thrilled. Your roommate this year is your best friend, Ellie. Okay, not just your best friend, she’s your crush, too. Do I really have to say, at this point?

“Hey,” she greets you, sounding rather sullen as she enters your dorm, where you sit on the edge of your bed.

“What’s up?” you ask.

“I turned sixteen over the summer and I haven’t felt anything to give me a hint. All my soulmate does is cry.”

“All my soulmate does is drop their phone on their face,” you offer a complaint in return, and the two of you lock eyes for a moment, one of realization.

“No,” Ellie says. “No.” She’s bright red, immediately thinking of just how many hot summer nights she was kept up, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, gasping for breath at the way her soulmate’s fingers curled just right, just fucking right. There’s no way you, her crush and her best friend, were that good.

“No, can’t be,” you agree.

“Could be,” she reminds you.

“It’d make sense,” you admit.

“I hate everyone else but you.”

“We could try to find out,” you suggest.

She pinches herself.

“Ow! Not like that!” You whine, clutching at your arm. “Oh, well, I guess it’s too late th-” Ellie cuts you off with her eyes alone.

“Where does all that energy come from, Y/N?! What are you, the Energizer bunny?! At least three times a night, every night! What the hell?!”

You blush deeply, scratching the back of your neck. You hadn’t exactly expected you’d meet your soulmate anytime soon, or that they’d be bold enough to comment on your habits.

“I dunno, I thought it was normal for kids our age…” you mumble.

“Oh, yeah, well some people like sleeping and not screaming into the pillow because their soulmate has a little too much fun doing the five finger shuffle!”

“Please, louder. I think a few people in Antarctica didn’t hear you,” you retort, looking up at her from where you were sitting with a challenging expression.

“We’ve been friends for all this time and I never knew what a horny bastard you are,” she remarks.

“Well, I’m not the one who was ‘screaming’ in pleasure,” you mutter.

“I heard that!” she says, her expression still adorably indignant.

“If you hated it so much, you should’ve just got those over the counter meds, Antifel or whatever.”

“I- I…” She sighs. “Yeah, I didn’t hate it that much,” she admits, and you smile a bit. “But I wasn’t a fan of the choking,” she adds, gesturing at your scarf, your favorite one that she never would’ve guessed hides the bruises from where you’ve choked yourself with a belt, at least not before. “I’m more of a choker than a ‘chokee’, but, I guess that’d be obvious, wouldn’t it? Considering we’re soulmates and all.”

You nod, your eyes now on your lap, the floor, her tee shirt, the lamp in the corner, anything that isn’t her eyes, and she smirks.

“Oh, so now you’re shy?”

“A little,” you quietly reply, and she sits next to you on your bed.

“Let’s cool down,” she offers. “We’ve just seen each other after months of purely texting and the occasional phone call.”

“Thanks,” you respond, finding it easier to breathe.

“Why were you crying so much?” Ellie asks, addressing her original observation.

“Just depressed and lonely and stuff. I don’t have friends in my hometown, not like you.”

“You’ll always have me,” she says. “I mean it.”

“I’d hope so, soulmate,” you laugh off the seriousness of the conversation, and she sighs, looking to your eyes with her own soulful ones.

“I’m glad it’s you,” she tells you.  “I don’t think I’d be able to stand anyone else.”

“Yeah, right!” you huff out a laugh, confused at her sudden emotional openness. Sure, she was more honest about her feelings with you than anyone else, but that didn’t mean that she was a completely open book. Who was?

“You’re not disappointed, are you?” Ellie wonders because of your remark.

“God, no! I- I actually have a really big crush on you,” you admit.

“Yeah?” she asks, the cutest little grin on her face, you know the one. “I have a crush on you, too.”

You blush again.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m not very good at flirting or anything like that. I don’t really care about much of anyone at all, and you’re definitely the only person I’ve really cared about in a romantic way, so…”

“No, it’s not that! I- You- You being really good at flirting is what’s got me like this. And the fact that I’m a dork who’s really bad at flirting contributes,” you explain.

“I am? Good at flirting, I mean.”

“Well, with me, at least,” you tell her.

“Um… Sorry if it’s lame to ask, but… Can I kiss you?”

“Of course! And it’s not lame to ask at all, El, I appreciate it actua- Mmf!”

You could live forever in the feeling of her lips on yours, her hands oh-so carefully holding your cheeks.

“Sorry,” she shyly says, as she slowly pulls away from you, looking in your eyes. “I’ve just been wanting to do that for a really, really long time. Pretty much since we met, actually.”

“R-really?” you ask, a bit breathless and definitely still flustered.

“Yeah, you’re perfect. In, like, every way. It’s the worst and the best.”

“I’m perfect?! But you’re- You’re you!” you argue, and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes. “I’m so lucky.”

“No, I’m the lucky one,” she disagrees.

“We can both be lucky,” you tell her, and she sighs.

“I suppose that’s a good compromise,” she decides. “So, what should we do before dinner? We’ve got a couple hours to kill, but I don’t think either of us has much more to say that wouldn’t be repetitive or… Something.” She blushes again, cheeks bright pink.

You blush back, reminded that she knew all about you and the things you did to yourself behind doors. “R-right,” you reply. Hey, you may be a horny motherfucker, but that doesn’t make you any less of a bottom.

“Can I see?” she asks, touching at your scarf. You nod, and she unwraps the scarf. She carefully touches the spotted bruises with her fingers. “With the belt you’re wearing?”

You can’t even speak. You nod, and the ghost of a smile graces her face before she just barely presses her lips to the bruises closest to her, on the side of your neck. Your hand quickly grabs her bicep tightly, and she stops, looking to you with concern.

“I’m so sorry, I got a bit carried aw-”

“No, no, it’s good, I’m just… Sensitive there,” you admit, and one of the biggest smiles you’ve seen her wear is on her lips.

“Yeah?” she asks, taking her crossbody bag off of her shoulder and opening it. She takes out a bottle of Antifel pills. “How sensitive?”

“Oh God, um… I- Um…” Your nerves are really getting to you, and your breathing gets heavier as you stare at the bottle. This is really happening. It’s really happening. You’d always wanted to, especially with her, but now that it’s a reality, you feel on the brink.

Ellie can recognize that look in your eyes, and it’s a look she’d hoped she’d never be the cause of.

“Shit, Y/N. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I- Um, I just- I want to? But I- I just- I don’t know, it’s just getting really hard to breathe, and uh, not in a hot way,” you joke nervously.

“Hey, you can want to and not be ready to right this minute. We haven’t even been on a date yet, okay? I’m really sorry if I made you feel like you had to do anything you didn’t want to,” Ellie tells you, and she feels immensely guilty either way.

“No! I liked you kissing me, especially where you did, but, you’re right. We should probably adjust to the news and put a label on whatever this is before we do anything too serious.”

Ellie nods. “You always were the more logical one. I’ll put these in the medicine cabinet and we can just… Talk about stuff, like we always do.”

“But with more kissing and cuddling, I hope?” you request, and she nods, going to put the bottle away before returning to find you bundled up in her comforter. “It’s so cozy…” you practically sing, at least to her.

“This is a dream,” she sighs happily, slipping off her shoes and joining you in her bed. You spoon her side, and she hums in content, stroking your hair.

“You’re in a good mood,” you comment. Ellie is not a very cheerful person, at least not openly. So, to see her like this was surprising.

“Yeah, of course I am. It’s you. It’s really you. I’ve never been happier in my life,” she says, having really been hit with the fact that you’re her soulmate. All hers. “All mine…” she hums.

“You really know how to make a girl feel special… I mean it. I’m really not all that.”

“Please be my girlfriend,” she requests.

“Only if you’ll be mine,” you reply, and she scoffs.

“I think that’s how that works, babe.”

Your heart skips a beat and you stare at her in wonder.

“Sorry for not asking if pet names were okay…It’s just something I like, it’s really stupid.”

“No, I really like it, hence the dumb stare and the lack of breathing.”

She chuckles, holding you tighter. You smile with her, glad that she’s happy.

“I hope you don’t feel like you have to over-exaggerate how happy you are. It’s okay if you’re not ridiculously happy about finding your soulmate.”

“Oh, no, I’m as happy as I sound. I’m, uh, definitely a textbook case of Lesbian That’s A Grumpy Bitch Til She Gets A Girlfriend. But then again, I’ll probably just be a significantly less grumpy bitch to everyone but you, sorry.”

“I don’t mind, I like you being your bitchy self,” you reply, being rewarded with a kiss placed atop your head that sends tingles dancing down your body. “Mm… I like that.”

“Good,” Ellie responds. “I’m glad.”

“I’m gladder,” you tease.

“I’m gladdest...”

[forevrnotyours]

Bts yandere reaction ~ you talk for the first time

Hyung line

Jin

He knew you, or at least he knew who you were, it wasn't common for him to be shy or hesitate around people but Your were the exception, he tried to learn everything he could of you, but it turns out you were fairly new, and even taehyung that spoke you from time to time didn't really knew a lot.

So he dedicated his free hour between clases to see you study at the library, or if he didn't find you there in the cafe close to campus but a little deserted.

You were a loner most of the time, with a close circle of friends and you had the sweetest voice he had ever hear in his life. You were like an angel, so perfect and pure in his eyes, the people around you only polluted your image, and too many times he found himself fuming at your friends for touching you.

Your friends were mostly guys so he suffered more than anything watching you go out with them, according to this your were single so he thanked the gods for that. Still even after almost a month of watching you he couldn't muster enough courage to talk to you. But today, today things would change.

He hadnt even prepared the hole thing, it was more of an spontaneous thing, he was at the café waiting for you to come for your daily dose if sugary cafe; Jin actually had noted and things he had to get over with so he took some of his books out, getting lost in his own world when the chair in front of him was moved and you sat down smiling.

He was stupefied to said the least, for a fearful moment he thought you had found out about him following you but you didn't seemed angry or bothered so he tried to swallow his panic away. You put down a Chocolate cake he sometimes ordered and pushed to the middle of the table,  two spoons in one side "hi, I'm y/n" you said smiling, and he was totally enchanted with your existence  "I know we don't know each other but I've seen you here a lot but youre always alone" you talked looking down for a moment embarrassed "so I wanted to keep you company today" you added and then looked at the contents of the table "that's If I'm not bothering you" you said looking shy all of a sudden.

He shook his head fervently "No!, no I mean" he said blush starting to creep up his cheeks at his too loud tone "you're not a bother, I - I ve seen you around before, I'm seokjin, but you can call me Jin" he said blushing, God you were practically still strangers but you already had so much power over him.

You smiled, blinding him with your beauty "good" you said getting comfortable in the seat "so tell me Jin, what do you normally do here?"

Suga

 Min Yoongi was a man that preferred to stay inside, everyone knew that, he was used to pass hours, if not days and nights completely holed up in his studio, going out for food or a class.

That day though, he had left his studio to go for coffee in a cafe close to the music building, and when he entered the warm heaven that smelled like caffeine he saw you.

You were in a sweater and an oversized dark blue jacket, a beanie on your head making you look small and cozy. You had earphones on your ears and a laptop in front of you, some books in the table opened and the seat in front of you was temporarily empty judging by the other cup of coffee.

He ordered his usual but instead of going he stayed in one of the tables at the back, having a perfect view of you working.that day he stayed until you left which was hours after, he had totally forgotten about all his job he needed to do, and probably should have done but he didn't care.

So Min Yoongi started to work in his stuff at the Cafe, the sun light was annoying some times and people were loud, but he got to see you more than once a week so he didn't complained.

He continued his non-stalking, according to him because what was wrong in watching someone you were infatuated with? Besides he wasn't hurting anyone so there was no problem.

It was a Friday when he had to leave his daily sesion of seeing you because Jin had called for a get together in his house and he would skin him alive for missing another one of those, beside he had all the day of tomorrow to see you at the cafe.

He hoped you didn't bring anyone else with you this time, some days you wouldn't be alone, and he felt his blood boiling, they would only hurt you, you were his sunshine, something so delicate and cute that needed to be protected and the scum you hang around with weren't enough for you.

When he arrived, he was met with a melodic laugh and the voice of the others chatting, Namjoon let him pass and when  he came into the living room there you were, sitting besides jungkook laughing about something he said while he laughed too.

"Oh! Y/n this is Yoongi hyung, the hermit who never leaves his studio" someone said to you, he didn't knew who, he was too lost in you to care, and then you were looking at him, with warm eyes and a smile "nice to meet you Yoongi" you said from the couch, he didn't answered after a few seconds until taehyung and jimin started giggling, he got out of his reverie, blushing at your knowing smile "Hi-Hi" he chocked out, jimin fell on top of Taehyung laughing.

Hoseok

The first time he saw you, you were in one of the beginners dancing classes at the company he worked for, you were just a year younger than him and studying in the same university according to the information he could get of you from people of your class.

After that he made time to at least see parts of your class, watching you from the door at how you learned every step, your body was gorgeous bit your coordination sometimes wasn't the best. You were an amateur but your energy and determination was something he didn't see quite often, so he fell for your clumsy  before he could of help it.

There was a little tiny inconvenience, you didn't knew he existed, sure he knew where you studied, your schedule and classes, the name of your bets friend, but still he was just a shadow around you, nothing else but a ghost.

He had to change that, he knew that, be wasn't about to kidnapp you so he could be with you, he wasn't that desperate, so a day after practice when he was leaving he hear music from one of the classrooms that should be unoccupied by that time.

He walked towards it ready to scold anyone who was inside when he saw you, you were sweaty, your body moving to the beat of the song much better than when you started and he found himself unable to look away from your moving figure, your were just so perfect.

Delicate to his eyes, a sight that many didn't deserve to see, because your were his, even if your didn't knew already, you were his and he would die before letting anyone erase the smile he so much fell in love with from your face.

So he walked in going behind you before speaking over the music "you need to let your body loose a little bit more on that part" his voice startle you out of your concentration and you turned around blushing at the fact that someone had seen you dance all alone, sure that's why you stayed, but you knew you weren't the best at dancing, so your mortification only grew when you met eyes with one of the teacher and more successful students of the academy.

Hoseok walked closer to you moving your body in a certain way so you would move easier that way "this way" he said, breath fanning over your ear "you will move better to the next sequence of steps" you turned to look up to him and he smiled down to you "try again and I'll he'll you" he said and you nodded not trusting your voice.

You spent another hour practicing with Hoseok in the dance studio, you stopped when  you saw how late it was becoming "thanks really" you said looking down, he cooed inside, you were so cute and shy "no problem" he said smiling to you a sunshine smile "we can practice more another day?" he added a little insecure and you opened your eyes like plates.

Hoseok, hobi, the one and only best dancer that you have ever seen was willing to help you, to practice with you, he must have taken your silence for rejection because he started to apologize "sorry it was too much on my part, I should have known-"

"No wait yes!, I mean yes to... Practice" you said, he smiled again and you did too "its a date then"

Namjoon

Namjoon was a level headed person, he thought before acting, he planned things and knew how to treat with people. At least that's how he saw himself. Everything went out of the window of course when he met you.

Or saw you, if you wanted to be more honest, you were on one of his favorite book stores, you were looking around much like he was supposed to be doing. You had thus sura surrounding you, he swore you looked like a star right then and there.

Ethereal was the word he was looking for in that moment to describe you, you looked so perfect but simple at the same time, he crashed with a stand of books and scrambled to hold it so the damage was minimal, that day he only saw you for a moment, but he made a mental note to come back another day so he could look at your eyes again.

That day didn't come until a  week later, sure he had came back every day to look for you but you weren't there, until a week later you walked in hurt in time when he thought he wouldn't see you again, you were with someone this time, a man who he didn't recognize was talking with you, it was friendly banter he could tell.

But still it made him gripped the book between his hands so hard his knuckles turned white, he followed both of you that day, saw how you went to some other stores before staying g for dinner at a restaurant, he watched closely but undetected. He knew then he had to get closer to you before anyone else could taint you.

So he made a plan, he kept seeing you, following you, he learnt your habits and the most common places for you to go, he waited, even when it was torturous and he had to beat some guys now or then, even one time when he saw a guy going on a date with you, he got rid of him, cutting of the hands that had touched your pure skin.

When he first talked to you it was all planned, you were at the book store again, and Namjoon "tripped" crashing with you making you almost fall before he got his arms around your waist pulling you close "oh god, I'm so sorry, are you okay?" he said faking being apologetic while not letting you go, the feeling of your body finally close to his made him drunk.

You looked surprised but when you looked up you blushed almost instantly, he held off the smirk, knowing you probably found him attractive, your hands were on his chest and you blushed even more noticing this so you looked down "ye-yes yes, I'm fine thank you" you said stepping back when he released you "are you okay, I mean you almost send us both to the ground" you added and Namjoon looked down acting embarrassed "ah yeah I'm a little bit clumsy so this happens sometimes" he admitted smiling at you "don't worry, I have my moments too" you said.

He smiled at you then looking at the book on your hand " that's a good one by the way" he said, you looked down at your hands "really? I was intrigued by it, is it worth it? You asked looking up at him with sparkling eyes, he nodded smiling, dimples showing" one hundred porcent worth it"

[baekhyuniebacon-blog]

Prisoner - part 1

Baekhyun x reader

next>

summary: Y/N works in a prison where Baekhyun comes to sit his 6 year imprisonment. He catches Y/N’s attention right away and it’s hard for her to keep herself away from him. Weird events make her avoid him but Baekhyun needs her help. He's the main suspect to a murder but swears he didn't do it. Will Y/N trust him and let her feelings take over?

warnings: violence, mentions of death and blood, cursing 

words: 1,5k 

Masterlist

You were scrubbing the floor of the old part of the prison. There were no prisoners yet, so it was easy to clean it. No staring, yelling or lame pick-up lines. The cells were nasty and had no privacy.; three walls made of concrete and one was just metal bars, so you could see everything they did in them. Two beds and a table were all the prisoners had and nothing else. Maybe two of their personal things that they were allowed to have. It looked hideous and gloomy, no one wanted to be here, and it was understandable. Some prisoners had fights and that’s why there was usually blood on the floors and walls. Of course, you were the one who had to clean them.

This was your second year working in the same place, so it was nothing new to even find people’s ears from the floors. It sounds bad, but this was a cruel prison the black hole were all the despicable criminals were brought. Everything was crazy, and no one was safe from the guards and especially from the prison warden. He controlled the prison with fear and most people feared him. Not everyone though, there were always those contrarians who didn’t believe a work he said.

You were the only woman and the only cleaner and no wonder why. You see, it was lucky for you to be even alive and well. There were many rumors that the previous workers had left after going crazy and some had died here.

“Hey sweetie” a voice said behind you. You got startled as you were so deep in your thoughts. You didn’t turn around, hoping he wouldn’t call you anymore. It was forbidden to talk to the prisoners. The curiosity almost took you over and you wanted to look who it was. You hadn’t noticed him earlier, therefore he must have been brought today. “Don’t you hear me?” he asked raising his voice and tried to get your attention. He called you many times which made you clean the floor faster.

You didn’t want to talk to any of the prisoners today. Sometimes you broke the rule and chatted with the nicest ones, if you were bored. You got in trouble from that but now you wanted to go home in time and it required you to not get in any kind of trouble.

While getting up from the floor you took the sponge and the bucket into your hands and started to walk away without glancing back at the man. “Hey, stop! I just want to talk” He shouted after you and hit the bars which made you wince at the loud noise. He didn’t sound angry rather desperate and you badly wanted to turn back. Luckily one of the guards turned to the hall. He had bed sheets and was taking them to the man. In your head you thanked him for that as the man went silent after noticing the guard.

Later that day your boss, the prison warden, called you to his office. It made you tense right away. He was everything else but nice and caring. If he wasn’t working in prison, you would think he’s a criminal himself. “You called me, sir” you said as you arrived at his office. After closing the door behind, you took a seat opposite to where he was sitting. The smell of coffee and the warm air went through you. I was nice to finally smell something else than just the men’s sweat and sewer that had been clogged for a month now.

“You might have noticed that we just got a new prisoner” He said while rubbing his beard and staring out of the window on your right. “He’s unpredictable and I don’t want him to escape. I suggest you keep yourself away from him. You’ve caused so much trouble and if he escapes, you are in charge of that. You do know what that means, don’t you?” he said turning to you. You nodded slowly “I get a death sentence”

“Exactly. You can leave now” He sighed and started to read his newspaper. You didn’t even get to the door when he stopped you. “Y/N”.“Yes?” You asked, carefully turning around to face him. He had a smirk on his face. “I know you should get out now, but your help is needed at the kitchen. It’s a soup day tomorrow and you need to chop the vegetables”. 

Well there went your free night. He always made you over work and there was nothing you could do about it. You just wanted to wipe that faux-smile off his face. He buried his face to the newspaper and you left the room. You groaned while tying back the apron you had just taken off in thought you were going home.

It was already night when you got the vegetables cut into pieces and you were able to go home. You changed your grey t-shirt, jeans and the white apron to a hoodie and leggings. The cells had no lights in them anymore, but you could see light peeking out from the old part and before you knew it your legs were going towards it. You tried to walk as quietly as you could. They wouldn’t wake up even if you marched down the hall with high heels, but you just wanted to be careful.

After checking that no one was near, you turned from the corner to the other hall. With light steps you got closer to the cell where the new prisoner would be. It felt terrifying to be there with the eerie silence. You were too curious to go back as everyone kept talking about the new guy.

You leaned against the wall that divided two cells. The man’s cell was on your right. Turning your head and getting closer to the cell you could see him. He sat on the edge of his bed while reading a book. His hair was pitch black and his orange prison clothes almost suited him too well. His expression was soft yet so cold. You looked at his lips and they looked sweet and- Wait why am I looking at his lips? You asked from yourself. You lifted your gaze back to his eyes just to find him staring back at you. Rapidly you pushed your back against the wall and cursed under your breath. You froze and felt embarrassed.

“No need to hide anymore. I already saw you” he sighed but sounded amused. You should have just walked out in the first place. As much as you wanted to run away and punch yourself you decided to turn to him. “You’re pretty good at pretending like I’m not here” he said and put down his book to look at you in the eyes. It made your heart beat faster in your chest and you could feel yourself blushing. The fact that he had gotten you red-handed staring at him, his lips particularly. “I’m used to it” You finally said and cleaned your throat. “Why wouldn’t you talk with me earlier?” he asked. “I’m not allowed to”.

“You’re talking to me now though” he said tilting his head to the side with a playful smirk lingering on his lips. “I don’t always obey the rules” You answered and crossed your arms. “Oh, but that’s not very good, isn’t it?”. He leaned his back to the wall behind him and kept looking at you.

You rolled your eyes and wanted to say something back until your eyes met the clock. It was already 1 am and your bus would leave in 5 minutes. “Shit” you cursed. “I have to go, see you tomorrow” you said out of habit without much thinking. “Sure sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere”. You saw his grin go wider and as much as you wanted to correct yourself you had to run to the bus. No way you were walking home.

Once you were back home instead of going to sleep you opened your laptop and tried to find the newest crime news. His face popped to your screen after scrolling through pages for a while. You clicked the link which revealed a clip of the news. “Today the assassin, also known as Baekhyun, that police have been tracking for months has finally been put in prison to fulfill his sentence of six years. As there are no eye witnesses nor enough proof of the people that he might have killed, his imprisonment isn’t that long- “. You cut off the video and shut your laptop. This was something you didn’t imagine him to be.

He killed people. He killed them for money. No matter who it was he would kill them. That thought made you shiver. You curled up in your bed, pulling the blanket on your chin. While staring at the wall, thousand thoughts went through your mind. What if that’s why he wants to talk with you. Are you his next victim?

Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think about the part 1 of my prisoner Baekhyun series :) My first language isn’t English so I’m sorry if there are any mistakes.

[derpyslurpy-da-derp-master]

All the personal asks plz

Alrighty then!

1. Any scars?

Mhm, pretty much all the scars I have are burns. One is from burning the side of my arm on an iron my mom had  standing upright that I brushed against trying to reach something on the counter behind it and I’ve got one or two other scars from my culinary class on my hands from trying to put a tray in the oven and bumping it on the rungs above the ones I was putting it on. I burnt my hand day one of actually cooking. Yes I’m a disaster.

2. Self harmed?

Absolutely not. One, I’m too scared of pain, and two, I have uh… An unpleasant history involving someone else threatening self harm to make me do what they wanted, so… It’s a really sore spot for me.

3. Crush?

I honestly have no idea.

4. Kissed anyone?

Nope

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither they make me physically ill

6. Someone you hate?

There’s a LOT of assholes at my school but the person I hate the most is probably my dad for reasons.

7. Best Friends?

Mhm! I’ve got a handful on this site but my IRL best friend is @theansweris-a. She doesn’t really get on tumblr anymore but if you’re reading this I love you friendo and have a good day! :D

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

hahaha fuCK NO. I’d rather not get addicted to something that can and will kill me and throw my money at people to sustain it. If someone offered me either I’d probably flip them off whilst slowly backing up and getting tf out of there because NO.

9. What’s your dream job?

Author/Illustrator with some VA work and Video Game directing on the side.

10. Ever been in love?

I have. It was with someone I didn’t have a chance with and who would be an absolutely awful lover to me since we weren’t compatible emotion-wise so I let it go. It was hard, but I did it.

11. Last time you cried?

Last Sunday trying to explain to my mom why our preacher and the church we go to has completely fallen out of my favor for it’s very loud blatant ‘LGBT people are bad abortion is evil insert other white conservative stuff here’ ‘cause she doesn’t know I’m LGBT+ (and it’s going to stay that way) and I was trying to explain to her why I would never say invite my LGBT friends to church because they would be mercilessly persecuted by people who call themselves followers of God then spit in his eye by doing the exact opposite of everything he’s asked of them. Yes I still feel really strongly about this.

12. Favorite color?

Cyan!

13. Height?

How coincidence, I just got it measured today! 5′6, FINALLY OFFICIALLY TALLER THEN MY MOM MUHAHAHAHAHA

14. Birthday?

November 17th!

15. Eye color?

Milk chocolately-brown

16. Hair color?

Dark brown

17. What do you love?

this is so open ended hjkfjfjkhgkjh okay then I love girls, video games, anime, writing, drawing, reading, and animals.

18. Obsession?

My top 3 in order of obsession; Kill La Kill, RWBY, and Kingdom Hearts.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

For every single illness, disease, syndrome, disorder, and so on to have a cure. From Cancer to Asthma. Both because I have so many incurable diseases/disorders and because I know there are people out there who have things so much worse than me in that department.

20. Do you love someone?

I love all my mutals, friends, and most of my family including extended family. 

21. Kiss or hug?

I’ve never been kissed so I don’t know anything about how that would be so I’d say hug because I love hugs!

22. Nicknames people call you?

Derpy, Slurpy, D-Slur, Resident Cinnamon Roll (That’s my actual nickname on a Revue Starlight discord)

23. Favorite song?

this is like asking me to pick my favorite child uhhhhh… This Life Is Mine by Jeff Williams, it just means a lot to me.

24. Favorite band?

i know no bands by name

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

….Okay, uh, this is gonna be really hard to decide because a LOT of bad things have happened to me. I’ll go with the more physical choice because I’d rather not dump too much of my emotional baggage onto yall. One time I was being prepped for surgery and they needed to get the IV in. (for the record I’m shaking pretty badly right now from thinking about this) They had to stab my arm with what they called a ‘Bee sting’ (it wasn’t a bee sting it goes almost down to the bone) that had numbing stuff in it and they were trying to find a vein they could put my IV in but they couldn’t find one (okay now i’m typing really fast so I don’t have to think about this for long) and they kept stabbing my arm over and over again. The thing is I have a serious phobia of needles that sends me into panic attacks, I’ll go lightheaded I’ll lose my hearing and so on. So I was trying to put a brave face on despite my parents not even being there but they would. not. stop. They didn’t give me a break. It was one stab then another then another then another. I was having a full blown panic attack, I was almost crying. Then they seemed to get it. They left me for a bit and my parents came in. My arm started swelling. They HADNT got it. My arm was being filled with whatever my IV was. They came back in with the beesting. They started stabbing me again but on the other arm. I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore after thinking they were finally done. I started to cry and sob and the panic attack I had that day was the single worst I have ever had. It got worse. They missed a vein entirely and instead hit a bundle of nerves. My hand started involuntarily twitching as pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before or until now wracked my arm. I had actual trauma from this, the night after the surgery I kept feeling ghost pains of the stabs in my arms, I had to sleep on my stomach with my arms wrapped around my front just to make them go away. I’m still extremely traumatized of this to this day. I never want to have surgery again. I never want an IV again. 

Okay that got away from me there I’m sorry I kinda was having a panic attack while writing that. Anyways moving on.

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

This is gonna sound cheesy but meeting @theansweris-a. She’s the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met in my entire life and I feel so incredibly lucky to call her my friend, though knowing her she’ll see this and reply with ‘No U’ because we always end up in a shouting match of ‘YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ ‘NO YOU’RE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ 

27. Something you would change about yourself?

I definitely would lose weight. Not because of societies bullshit but because I legitimately want to lose weight so I can actually get strong and build up some muscle, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO OPEN GATORADE BOTTLES GODDAMNIT

28. Ever dated someone?

Nope, I’m closeted and have no interest in even pretending I’m straight by dating a guy, I mean I know some genuinely nice guys (all of them dorks) but they’re all just my friends though they are massive goofballs and I love them very much. (Entirely platonically)

29. Worst mistake?

I… Don’t think you guys wanna know that. It’s nothing bad its just depressing and I don’t wanna be more depressing then I already have been.

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Depends on which is better, like I’d rather watch the Chronicles of Narnia than read the books because the books are honestly terrible but I’d rather read Percy Jackson than watch the movie because the movies are incredibly unfaithful to the books.

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Yeah… 

32. Favorite show?

Kill La Kill!

33. Best day of your life?

My cheesiness never ceases but the first time I actually hung out with @theansweris-a IRL at the mall. I remember being SO excited for it but also nervous that how easily we talk to each other wouldn’t translate into real life and I remember spotting her walking up and practically shouting her name before running up and giving her a big ol’ hug whilst crying happy tears (I know i’m sappy shut up) and then when we were let loose to walk around we quickly discovered that we clicked almost immediately and incredibly well it was just the best thing ever. Like, in that one day alone we spent six hours in that mall just chatting and buying stuff and having fun and we left the mall with like three different inside jokes despite it being our first time meeting in person since we first met. Hi my name is Derpy and I’m a big ol’ sap.

34. Any talents?

I’m pretty good at writing, I can type really fast, and I can play the harmonica.

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Absolutely not. Things are the way they are for a reason, and even though I’ve been through a LOT it’s because of all that that I’m the person I am today and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

36. Any bad habits?

Yeah, I’m a nail biter.

37. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes actually, when I was 3 or 4 we took a plane to California to visit some relatives and I almost walked out of the air hatch one the way out, I remember this vividly even though it was a long time ago. If it wasn’t for the flight attendant grabbing me before I fell out, I wouldn’t be here today.

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

@theansweris-a and @my-words-are-light, they’re both really good listeners and have helped me through a lot of stuff.

39. Ever lost a loved one?

My Great Grandpa Ritch died shortly after I was born, there’s a lot of pictures of him smiling and holding me while in a hospital bed and hooked up to oxygen.

40. Do you believe in love?

Oh absolutely, 100%. I mean if you know me you already know that I have just ABSURD amounts of love in my heart and I genuinely believe that it exists.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

Wasn’t this already a question?

42. Are you okay?

Mostly, yeah. I have some stuff to work on but I’m honestly at the best i’ve ever been!

43. Relationship status?

I’m a Single Pringle

[gumnut-logic]

Gentle Rain (Part Nineteen)

Title: Gentle Rain

Warm Rain Series

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve | Part Thirteen | Part Fourteen | Part Fifteen | Part Sixteen | Part Seventeen | Part Eighteen | Part Nineteen

Author: Gumnut

1 – 4 Mar 2019

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: Sometimes it is so gentle, you don’t realise it is happening.

Word count: 3000

Spoilers & warnings: Virgil/Kayo, Scott/OC, Gordon/Penelope, spoilers for Warm Rain up to this point in the timeline.

Timeline: Six months after ‘The Proposal’, almost a sequel.

Author’s note: For @scribbles97 And here we are, the last chapter. There will be an Epilogue full of important stuff, I’ve started it. Also, those of you who follow me on Tumblr will have already read the first Tale of Gentle Rain – I kinda jumped the gun and didn’t want to officially publish it until I had finished this fic…which is pretty close now. So, there is more to come. Thank you ever so much to @scribbles97 who has helped me through this entire fic. Also thanks to @i-am-chidorixblossom and @the-lady-razorsharp who have also answered my frantic calls at various points in time – this fic was a nerve-wracker and I can be really insecure at times :D I would also like to give a massive thanks to all of you who have cheered me along the way. Your comments and feedback have kept me going. It makes it so much more purposeful to write if I know what I’m writing is being read and super bonus if it is being enjoyed. Thank you so, so much ::hugs you all madly::

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

Waking in hospital was not her favourite. She had done it many times in her thirty years and none of those events had been pleasant.

She could smell the hospital around her.

A frown. Vague memories of faces, words, it seemed like dreams, all leading back to that man from International Rescue.

A pair of blue eyes.

Scott Tracy.

She woke with his name on her lips.

And he was the first thing she saw.

“Em?” His voice was soft, tentative, and the hope in his face so strong.

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” That smile of his still turned her insides to jelly. “How are you feeling?”

How was she feeling? A quick physical check and she found herself surprisingly good. “Good. I’m good.”

His smile widened.

A snuffled snort echoed through the room. She frowned. “What?”

Scott stepped back and she came eye to eye with Kayo sitting on a couch in the corner. The smirk on her face was amusing, particularly considering the man asleep in her lap. Virgil was snoring softly, curled up rather awkwardly on the too small sofa, still in his uniform. His baldric and toolkit were draped over the back of one of the chairs.

“Is he okay?”

Scott’s smile was reassuring. “He’s fine. Just tired. Stubborn idiot refused to go home.”

“Why?”

He frowned and she realised that he, too, was still in his uniform. “You don’t remember?”

Remember? A blink. “You caught me.”

“Yes, I did. But you were injured.”

Injured? Her brain didn’t seem to be functioning at full capacity. “How?”

His brow furrowed immediately. “You had a laceration on your leg. You lost a lot of blood.”

“I did?” She reached down and peered under the covers. Her left stump was swathed in bandages. Another frown and she forced her mind to think.

Scott speaking to her calmly, but firmly. Strapping her in. She had flown in a Thunderbird. Thunderbird One. Thunder was right. It had roared. So, so fast.

Then the hospital. Perth Hospital. Again.

Scott holding her. Her blood on his hands.

Worried blue eyes.

She shook herself. She must be on something. She was foggy.

“The bridge? The people?”

“We saved as many as we could.”

Virgil snorted again.

She frowned at the man as Kayo stroked his hair. A glance at Scott. “Why are you here?”

His eyes widened and his expression closed suddenly and considering their recent history she realised exactly how that might have sounded.

A blink. “No, you idiot. I’m talking about the broken arm, leg and ribs, not to mention the hole in your side that was stitched up a few weeks before Christmas.”

“Uh.” Now he looked uncomfortable, almost like a young boy who had just discovered he was in trouble.

Her foggy mind still wasn’t registering properly, but it still managed to calculate recovery times. She rubbed her eyes. “And what about Virgil? You know, the man who recently died.” In the corner of her eye she saw Kayo tense.

“It was necessary.” His stance straightened. “Besides, we had backup.”

“I noticed. But that didn’t seem to exclude either of you from the rescue.”

“There wasn’t time-“

“Exactly! You haven’t given either of yourselves enough time!”

Those blue eyes flared. “And what exactly did you expect me to do? Sit back while you fell off a bridge?”

And there it was, the blatant self-sacrifice that was going to kill these men. “You had back up! Let them do their job. Stop risking yourself.”

“I couldn’t leave you there.” It was quiet, but the words were firm.

She stared at him. “Your health is worth the risk, Scott.”

“Yours isn’t.” He glared at her. “I will not risk you.”

“Me? What about the other hundred or so people?”

His lips shut closed and he didn’t answer. Blue simply stared at her.

Her eyes widened. “You didn’t...”

“How could I not?” And suddenly he was so much closer.

“Oh, for goodness sake, kiss her already!” There was a thump and a groan, and they both looked up to see Virgil rolling off the couch. The man was obviously stiff as a board. “Have at it, I’m getting coffee.” And without a glance at them, he stumbled from the room, dragging Kayo with him. Kayo did grin back at both of them, however, her eyes sparkling.

Em frowned. “Are you sure he’s okay?”

Scott smiled. Oh god, that smile. “I thought you’d be familiar with Virgil Sans Coffee by now.” But he was leaning in and that smile touched her lips. As always, he was warm, his energy burning, reaching out and drawing her in. A brush of his tongue on hers and he released her. She didn’t want to let him go.

His smile became hesitant. “I believe I owe you an explanation.”

“Regarding your habit of flashing hot and cold?” God, honestly, she only wanted him to kiss her again. His hot was so hot. Screw it. “I’ve just had a major traumatic incident. I’m injured, and I’m pretty sure I’m high on pain meds. Can we save it for later? I’d really just like to you to kiss me again.”

His grin was as gorgeous as his smile, and god, when he wrapped his arms around her and took her lips with his, all the cares in the world could wait until later.

-o-o-o-

Em was only in the hospital for a few days, but in that time, she managed to have every Tracy march through her door plus Kayo and her uncle.

Uncle Crispin arrived with Sally Tracy along with Alan. Alan was looking a little green around the gills and the description he gave Kayo of what her uncle and his grandmother had been doing on the plane was enough to turn Em a little green in sympathy.

There were some things that you just didn’t want to know about the generations above you.

Uncle Crispin gave her the third degree on what had happened. This was quickly followed by him cornering Scott the moment he walked through her door on the way back from a meeting with the GDF.

“And what are your intentions with my niece, Tracy?”

“Kip!”

“Uncle Crispin!”

It was hard to tell who was more offended, Mrs Tracy or Em.

But Scott didn’t back down. He took a step towards her uncle and looked him in the eye. And he could. Not having seen Scott standing to his full height, Em hadn’t realised he was that tall. Though slimmer in youth, he could match every one of her uncle’s many inches. Wow. “And what are your intentions with my Grandmother?”

“Scott!” Okay, Mrs Tracy was the more offended.

Em glared at the both of them. “If you two gentlemen do not stop alpha strutting in my hospital room, I will ask both of you to leave.”

Scott’s response was immediate, probably feeling like he was already on probation and didn’t want to blow it. He backed down, but she didn’t fail to notice that he stepped immediately to her side. She rolled her eyes at that.

Uncle Crispin glared at him, but also backed off, stepping back beside Mrs Tracy.

“Now, Uncle Crispin, this is my business. While I appreciate your protectiveness, I find it rather ironic that you are attempting to protect me from the grandson of your paramour, and the leader of International Rescue, an organisation you greatly admire. You have a model Thunderbird and figurines, for crying out loud.” She turned to Scott, whose eyes were bugging out a little at her last statement. “And you, give your grandmother a break. Uncle Crispin is a great guy, I can promise you that. Stop snarling at him.”

Neither man commented, merely exchanging wary glances. God, men!

The tableau was interrupted by Virgil waltzing in with a get-well balloon tied to a blue teddy bear. Every face in the room turned to him. He stopped in his tracks and blinked. “Did I interrupt something?”

Em couldn’t help but smile. “No, nothing of importance.”

His eyes darted back and forth between his eldest brother, Uncle Crispin, Em and Kayo. “Okay, good, because Scott bought you a get-well bear.” He strode up and plonked it on the edge of her bed.

“I did?”

Kayo elbowed her brother. “Yes, you did, because that is what good boyfriends do when their girlfriends are in the hospital.”

There was a silence for a moment and Em stared at Virgil. The engineer smiled at her.

“Yes. Yes, I did and I do.” Scott said the words, but looked a little stunned.

Em bit her lip, but couldn’t help grinning at his expression. She picked up the bear. It had blue eyes and a perpetual smile. Reaching out a hand, she snagged Scott’s and pulled him towards her. “Thank you, Scott. It was a very kind thought.” And she was grinning up at him.

He rolled his eyes. “You’re welcome.”

“Can I give you a thank you kiss?”

She couldn’t help but grin at the grin that immediately split his face. He bent down and, oh, oh, thank you. Thank you, indeed.

The bear was dropped to the bed covers and one hand was in his hair, the other on his shoulder feeling the flex of muscle through his shirt.

“My god, I’m surrounded by a bunch of lovebirds. Okay, that’s it, I’m making a point of being somewhere else for some time. Em, get better soon. Enjoy...my brother.”

Scott broke off their kiss just in time for her to see Alan shudder. Mrs Tracy grabbed the youngest before he could escape and said something quietly to him Em couldn’t hear before kissing his cheek. Alan rolled his eyes and stomped out of the room.

Em had a grip on Scott’s shirt and didn’t want to let go. Virgil was grinning ear to ear. Kayo had a smirk on her face. Mrs Tracy was smiling. Uncle Crispin, surprisingly, wasn’t glaring, but was thoughtful instead.

Scott was staring down at her in amazement.

She grinned. “Can I say thank you again?”

Virgil cracked up laughing.

-o-o-o-

Escaping from hospital did not equate to escaping from the Tracys. Kayo, despite being heavily involved into the investigation surrounding the bridge bombing, found the time to accompany her back to her apartment. Virgil had declared her hoverscoot deceased and promptly acquired her a new one. Her protest at the cost was met with a flat-eyed stare, and yeah, billionaires, money no object, yada-yada-yada.

It was a relief to slip back into a hoverscoot. The hoverchair from the hospital was just clunky and cumbersome.

While Virgil packed the car, she took the opportunity to sit down with Kayo for a moment in her own loungeroom. “I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I can’t believe...” And she ran out of words.

“Em...” Kayo held up her hand. “Trust me, we are equal on all scores.” Virgil stuck his head in the door and grabbed two more of the small bags she had hastily packed and disappeared again. Kayo smiled just a little, her voice quiet as she stared after him. “We’re equal.”

“If there is ever anything I can do for either of you. Just ask.” She reached out and grabbed the woman’s hand. “Please.” She tried her best to covey how much it all meant to her.

Kayo turned to her and tilted her head a little. “If you do the same.” A small smile. “I hear rumour that is what friends do.”

Em couldn’t help but grin just a little. She felt like a teenager swapping friendship bracelets. The thought was just ridiculous.

But it meant so much more.

“Oh, I’ve got something for you.” Kayo reached into her pocket. “You should keep this on you at all times until Brains can set you up with something a little less conspicuous.” The security officer handed her the IR comm she had worn in New Zealand.

Em stared at it. “Are you sure?”

Kayo arched an eyebrow. “I’m sure.”

Em held it in her hands, the embossed IR logo catching the light. “That is something I’ve been meaning to ask. I left this behind in Wellington. How did you know I was on the bridge?”

“I planted a tracker in your hoverscoot.” There was no apology in Kayo’s expression.

Em stared at her. “What?”

“You became an IR concern. I needed to know where you were.”

“Why?”

“We are primarily a rescue organisation. However, our technologies are advanced and there are people out there who will do anything to get their hands on them. You know this, it has already affected your life drastically.”

“You think they might use me to get to you?”

Kayo shrugged. “Maybe. Possibly. There are a range of vulnerabilities in the equation. The tracker was to protect you and IR. In this case, we knew you were on the bridge and could act accordingly.”

“Is that what happened? Were they after me?” Her heart stuttered at the thought. To be honest, she had already considered some of the dangers involved. It was obvious. She had lost her family to a man who had wanted what the Tracys had.

Something flashed in Kayo’s eyes.

“No, a group has claimed responsibility. Lunatics. Don’t worry. Penelope and I are working on it. We’ll find them.” And Kayo stopped there, obviously unwilling to reveal anymore.

Her apartment door opened again and Virgil walked back in. “Anything else? I think I’ve about covered my rehab for today.”

Em mentally shook herself and smiled.

-o-o-o-

The stop at her apartment was exactly that, just a stop. She needed assistance and the doctors had only released her with the reassurance that she would have company.

So, bags packed and loaded, Kayo flew her back to Tracy Island, and she found herself in the same room she had spent Christmas. Cecil arrived to attend to her every need. The man was a like a clone of Gordon Tracy, though taller and skinnier. A ray of sunshine who never stopped smiling.

Scott bounced back and forth from the island every day, horribly busy, both with the GDF and the Thunderchick squads. Then a tsunami in Japan took every hand IR had available.

All the brothers came back from that pale and dead-eyed.

She caught him before he could escape to his room.

Even though she was prepared for it, it still hurt when he brushed her off. “Em, I’m tired. It’s been a long day. You should be resting.” His natural reflex was to lock it all up and process it alone, the same way he had when Virgil collapsed.

She hadn’t missed Virgil beelining to Kayo. Hadn’t missed her wrapping her arms around him, his head dropping to her shoulder in pure exhaustion. Her leading him away to their quarters.

Scott had glanced at them while removing his baldric and dumping it on the couch before throwing himself down beside it.

She steeled herself. “I’m fine. It is you who needs the rest.”

He looked up at her and the exhaustion and pain in his eyes broke her heart. Reaching out, she ‘scooted forward, dropping the ‘scoot directly onto the couch and took him into her arms, lying his head on her chest.

He resisted at first, his muscles tense, and she was forced to wonder how long it had been since this man had been comforted. She knew a good percentage of his history, had seen the care he doled out to his family, but who cared for the carer? Virgil, most certainly, but he would ever be younger.

Em would ever be older.

She pulled him tighter, running her fingers through his hair, and slowly his arms crept around her and returned the embrace. He didn’t fully relax, no doubt that would take time, but his breathing evened out and he rested his weight on her.

“I love you.” The words came out unbidden. She didn’t mean to say it, but it was said.

His reaction was immediate. He sat up, pulling away a little and staring at her.

Em felt the blood drain from her face. “I’m sorry, I-“

And he was kissing her, his strength pulling her close. His tongue begged entry and she let him in, as he crushed her against him. His cologne was overlaid with sweat and dirt, he desperately needed a shower and a shave, but he was in her arms and loving her in his own way.

She didn’t expect the words, not yet. If there was one thing she had learnt over the last few months, it was that Scott Tracy had a large family, but ultimately, he had been alone for a long time. As alone as she had been.

It was going to take time.

The kiss broke off, his breathing heavy, eyes glistening in the evening light. “Em...”

She reached up and placed a finger across his lips. “You don’t have to say anything.” He kissed her finger, his breath hot on her skin. “I will only ask you for one thing.”

His eyes widened in an expression very similar to the last time she had made such a demand of him.

“Ping me. Come to me. Seek me out.” Her fingers drifted into his hair and she leant forward to kiss his forehead. “I’m here. You are not alone. You don’t have to say anything, I won’t force you to talk, I promise. Just be...with me.”

It was all she could ask.

He stared at her for a moment, words bouncing about his eyes, but none finding his mouth. Eventually he drew her into his embrace, a soft kiss to her jaw, her cheek and her lips. There was no smile, no charm, no Commander of International Rescue, no big brother.

Just Scott Tracy.

He dropped his head to her shoulder, exhaustion in every line of his body. Em stroked his hair and just held on.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

[blessethwrites]

stars exploding

(Day 1 of MultiSaku Month)

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing: SasuSaku

Summary: Don't get Sakura wrong, she was happy she and Sasuke were becoming friends, following everything that had happened. Ecstatic even. But hell, did he have to be on her mind all the damn time?

On AO3

Her love for Sasuke had always been one of her defining characteristics, Sakura was starting to realize. Back in the Academy that was the thing everyone knew about her and, to be fair, she hadn’t minded. Then when they were placed on the same team that damn crush continued to be her driving force even as Naruto and Sasuke kept growing and improving, not only as shinobi but also as people; it was somewhere around the Chunin exams that Sakura had decided her feelings were more than an infatuation and had been brave enough to call it love.

It all spiralled from there. And somehow after all those years, after an entire damn war, that same love she held for him remained so deeply ingrained in her very being that she couldn’t imagine ever not loving him.

Except. She let out a heavy sigh once she finished up the last of her paperwork. Now things were different. There was no war anymore, there was no need to run around chasing Sasuke and silly as it might’ve sounded, it felt like the beginning of a new era. And for once, Sakura was happy with where she was. She was enjoying settling into her new life. That was a challenge of its own -- even after a few months, at times she still had trouble remembering it was all over -- but not an unwelcome one. The others, at least, seemed to be struggling with getting used to the newly established life of peace as well, and Sakura thought there was a sense of relief in navigating their new lives together.

She pushed herself up from her desk and stretched in an attempt to work out the kinks in her back. Ino would tell her to stop overthinking everything and just enjoy it; and she’d be right, of course, even though Sakura would never admit that to her face. The thing was, there wasn't a switch she could turn to stop thinking. In fact, thinking was all she’d been doing lately and somehow it all kept coming back to Sasuke. As it always did.

She wondered, not for the first time, why she seemed to be the only one unable to move on. Their former classmates had. Karin had. Ino had. Meanwhile, Sakura was stuck. Or at least, she had been. She still believed she’d always love Sasuke, except lately she was starting to realize that didn’t necessarily mean romantic love. After all, platonic love was just as precious.

So one could say she was slowly coming to terms with the fact that perhaps while she did love him, it was only as a dear friend. A very, very dear friend. And she tried to treat him as such, she reasoned with herself. She'd come to pacing around the room which wasn’t all that spacious to begin with and nodded along to her thoughts. Yes, ever since Sasuke had been released on probation she’d made sure to be friendly while not being too friendly to a point where he might feel uncomfortable. She really wanted to build a relationship with him that wasn’t based on a childish infatuation followed by years of separation. She wanted to get to know the man he’d become and to become someone he could trust in return; she wanted that teammate bond they lacked, the one she’d dismissed as boring when she’d been younger.

And it seemed he wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea. Of course, she hadn’t been so forward as to tell him all of that but she’d made an effort he appeared to recognize. She would even go as far as say he tried to return it in his own way. And she was incredibly happy he did, naturally, but that didn’t mean she was equally happy that he occupied so many of her thoughts.

“Friends, you idiot, friends,” she chastised herself and let out a low groan. She was hopeless, was what she was. She immediately tensed once she heard a snort come from behind her and whirled around, fists ready, only to recognize the chakra signature at the very last moment.

“Um,” she racked her brain for something to say, mind drawing blank. As much as she thought about him, nothing could really compare to the real thing, she realized as she watched Sasuke raise an eyebrow at her. “Hi?”

He let out another snort and shook his head; there was something akin to fondness in his eyes, though Sakura must have imagined that. “Hi,” he returned her greeting dryly and she had to stifle a grin. During the past months, she’d come to find he had a very dry sense of humour; right now he was basically teasing her. “I see you’re busy, should I come back later?”

This time she let the grin spread on her lips and leaned back until she was perched on her desk. It wasn’t as unusual as it would’ve been some time ago, to have Sasuke stop by to visit her at the hospital, but it also wasn’t as if he’d made it into a habit. A happy surprise, Sakura would call it. “Is there something I can do for you or did you just come to tell jokes?”

He seemed amused by her comment but didn’t say anything. He was watching her, eyes calculating, and she had no idea what he was looking for until he finally spoke up. “You haven’t had dinner yet, have you.”

The tone of his voice suggested it was a statement rather than a question and that he knew perfectly well she hadn’t. Sakura threw a glance at the old clock sitting on the desk next to her and then her eyes returned to Sasuke almost defensively; it wasn’t that late. “No,” she said cautiously, hoping to avoid a lecture. Not that Sasuke was the type to give her one, generally, but she’d had enough from both Ino and Naruto to last her a lifetime. She shrugged lightly. “I was going to head home soon anyway.”

He merely hummed, unmoving from where he was leaning on the wall, and Sakura crossed her arms. Her days of trying to decipher his grunts were over; if he wanted to say something he’d have to use actual words. She raised an eyebrow at him, stifling a smile as he snorted, apparently having understood her silent protest. “Come eat with me. I made too much food.”

His wording was a little off but it was still major progress from the closed-off boy he’d used to be, Sakura thought fondly. Then her brain caught up with the fact he’d invited her to have dinner with him and she had to look away, choosing to focus on a few of the manila folders sitting on her right side. As she straightened them out, making sure they were perfectly aligned with both the desk and each other, she cleared her throat. “Um, yeah, sure, that’d be nice.” When she finally glanced back at him there was something in his eyes she couldn’t quite read. “Thank you for offering.”

Sasuke shrugged, shifting his weight slightly, and looked around the room. “You done?”

Sakura bit her lip and it took everything in her not to fidget. She could certainly find something to keep her busy if she looked for it, like a last minute patient or a nurse who needed help; those were always easy to find. And on any other night that was precisely what she would’ve done. But tonight Sasuke was here and he wanted to have dinner with her, and as anxious as the idea made her, she was also looking forward to it. She threw him a small smile and pushed herself away from the desk. “Yeah, all done.”

Sasuke grunted once again, in response to which she reached to poke him in the ribs; no grunting on her watch. He let out an amused huff and Sakura’s smile grew as the two of them headed towards the main entrance. She couldn’t help but think how weird it was that spending time with Sasuke felt so normal. She’d expected there to be a certain awkwardness, all things considered, and while there had been in the beginning, it had all but dissipated by now. Yet another example of how much better their platonic relationship was as opposed to the one-sided crush she’d had, she thought.

When she glanced at Sasuke out of the corner of her eye, she was surprised to find he was already looking at her. ���What?”

He didn’t move his gaze for a while and once he finally did, Sakura realized she’d been subconsciously holding her breath. “You get lost in your head a lot,” he said simply without offering any more explanation. He didn’t need to, anyway, she knew exactly what he meant.

“Sorry.” She threw him a sheepish grin and had to resist the urge to rub the back of her neck; she refused to completely turn into Kakashi. The ghost of a smile on Sasuke’s lips told her he knew exactly what she’d been thinking which made her grin widen. “I promise for the rest of the night I’ll be one hundred percent present.”

Sasuke didn’t offer a verbal response, something Sakura was about to tease him for, when she spotted Shizune talking to Kira-san on the front desk. She glanced at them and raised a finger to signal Sasuke she’d be just a moment; then she moved to approach the two women.

“Hey,” she smiled and nodded in greeting before turning to Shizune as the nurse moved to give them some privacy. “Do you need my help with anything? I wanted to check with you before I head out.”

The look Shizune gave her had Sakura raising her hands and hurrying to explain; she didn’t want Shizune thinking she was shrinking her duties or anything of the sort. “My shift ended a few hours ago, but if you need me then of course I’ll stay--”

The woman laughed, hands coming to rest over Sakura’s. “I know, I know. I was just surprised you’re voluntarily leaving, that’s all; I’m pretty sure Naruto-kun had to drag you away last time.”

The memory made Sakura flush as she recalled Naruto insisting she was overworking herself and quite literally carrying her out of the hospital; while she appreciated the concern, it was embarrassing. “Yes, well…” She trailed off and her gaze slid to Sasuke who was patiently waiting for her by the doors. He raised both his eyebrows when he caught her gaze and she shook her head before turning back to Shizune, not quite managing to contain her smile.

“Ah, I get it now.” Shizune’s tone was teasing but the warmth in it was unmistakable and Sakura’s flush became even more apparent.

“It’s not like that, Shizune, don’t tease me,” she laughed it off. “Not you too.” She’d been getting suggestive looks and wry smirks for at least a month now and she wasn’t sure how many more times she could repeat the phrase ‘we’re just friends’. She wasn’t mad, she knew nobody meant anything by it, but she could definitely go without it as well.

Shizune’s smile turned apologetic. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” She glanced down the hallway behind Sakura and let out a semi-amused breath. “You better get going before there’s an emergency and you end up staying here the whole night.”

Sakura snorted in agreement before saying her goodbyes. Finally, she returned to Sasuke’s side. “Okay, now I’m really all done.”

He held the door open for her, a gesture that would’ve made her past self swoon. If she was being perfectly honest it made her swoon now as well, but she told herself it was only natural. She would’ve enjoyed it regardless of the person.

“Are you inviting Naruto?” she spoke up once they’d started walking. As far as she was aware they were headed towards Sasuke’s new apartment at the centre of the village and while it wasn’t far from the hospital, she didn’t want them to spend the walk in silence.

Her question made him huff as he glanced at her, amused. “I said I made too much food but not that much.”

She shook her head at the familiar teasing but there was also a side of her that grew even more anxious now that he’d more or less confirmed it would just be the two of them. It was fine, though, it really was. Friends had dinner together all the time. It was fine.

“How’s work at the hospital?”

It wasn’t the question itself that surprised her rather than the fact he’d asked it at all. She quickly tried to shake the surprise off, however, and simply shrugged. “Not a lot going on right now, but that’s good news.” She paused, considering. “Of course there’s still a ton of paperwork, but at least I also have some more time to do research. Actually, Hinata’s been letting me have a closer look at the Byakugan and it’s really fascinating.”

She wasn’t about to go into detail about her findings for one because the information was only to be kept inside the Hyuga clan and for another, most people would find it boring even if she could talk about it. In any case, Sasuke was a smart man, she had no doubt he’d understand the secrecy around the Hyugas’ bloodline limit.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before glancing away, looking anywhere but at her as he spoke. “I don’t mind if you want to research the Sharingan.”

Sakura actually stopped walking for a moment out of sheer shock. The Uchihas were notoriously secretive when it came to their bloodline limit, even moreso than the Hyugas. For Sasuke to say this to her…

“I wasn’t trying to imply--” she started to say once she remembered to keep walking but he simply sighed, cutting her off before she’d had the chance to explain she hadn’t mentioned Hinata in some attempt to rope Sasuke into letting her do the same to him.

“Sakura. What you find will benefit me as well,” was all he said and she could feel her heartbeat slowly return to its normal pace. That made perfect sense; of course he’d want to know more about the Sharingan, especially since he was the last living Uchiha. She was overthinking everything, as usual. Sasuke cleared his throat and although his voice was quiet, Sakura heard him perfectly. “I trust you.”

“Oh.” Even if she’d wanted to, she couldn’t have helped her wide smile. There were a lot of things she could say in return, from Thank you to I trust you too, but she had a feeling Sasuke still wasn’t completely used to being so open with his emotions and she didn’t want to scare him off. Baby steps, she reminded herself. “Okay then. Whenever you’re free you can stop by the hospital and we can get started. Just make sure to let me know beforehand.”

Sasuke gave a sharp nod and after a beat proceeded to surprise her yet again. “Are you free tomorrow?”

She fumbled for a response, letting out a small, unsure chuckle as she did. “Um, sure. Does noon work for you?”

This time the nod was the only answer she received and before he could throw any more curveballs at her, she found they’d reached his apartment. He unlocked the door easily enough -- Sakura would forever be jealous of doors which didn’t need prodding and punching to open, unlike her own -- and led her to the dining room. The apartment wasn’t big but Sakura liked that about it; she had a feeling Sasuke did too. Somehow it had a homey feel to it, despite the scarce decorations. Perhaps it was because there was a bit of Team Seven scattered around every room -- a few of Kakashi’s books were resting on a shelf in the dining room which also served as a living room, the bathroom smelled of kiwi and mango, courtesy of Sakura leaving a spare bottle of shampoo in case she needed to sleep over, and she also knew for a fact that the fridge was well-stocked with instant ramen. In any case, whatever it was, it made her feel at home. She had to imagine Sasuke felt the same way, despite his actual childhood home being on the other side of the village. He’d mentioned to her a few weeks back that it felt more like a graveyard than a home, and her heart had broken for him.

“Here,” he said as he entered the room, placing one plate on the table in front of Sakura and one right across of it, where he took a seat. “It’s omusubi.”

Sakura could see that but she also knew what he really meant; it was basically the equivalent of him asking if it was an acceptable meal. She gave him a small smile. “It looks lovely.” And it really did. She could spot fish flakes and what appeared to be tomatoes, and she found herself thinking this was a very Sasuke-like meal. “Itadakimasu.”

Sasuke echoed her words and the two of them proceeded to eat in silence -- strangely enough, Sakura didn’t feel any of the unease she’d expected. This was technically the first time she and Sasuke dined together, just the two of them, and it was actually a nice change of pace. With Naruto there was always this sense of urgency to their meal, especially seeing how quick he was to finish his food. Sasuke, on the other hand, took his time.

She remembered how he’d be just as fast as Naruto back in their childhood, matching his pace with ease, but she also assumed that had been merely a part of the rivalry the two of them shared. Now things were different. While the rivalry was still there, Sakura liked to think it had taken a turn for the better.

“There’s anmitsu in the fridge,” Sasuke said some time later, eyes not moving from the rice ball he was holding with his chopsticks. His tone was even, as if describing the weather, but Sakura couldn’t help staring. While that was one of her favourite foods, he hated sweets. She knew that because back when she was young and crushing on him, she’d made a point to catalogue all of his likes and dislikes. And sweets definitely fell into the latter category.

It made no sense unless he’d developed a sweet tooth during all those years away from Konoha, a thought that made her unreasonably sad. She knew he’d changed, she wasn’t stupid, but there was something about the idea of not knowing him as well as she used to that unsettled her.

And that was precisely why they were doing the friendship thing, she reminded herself. To get to know each other better. So she hummed in a way she hoped seemed casual enough and swallowed the last of her food before replying. “I didn’t know you liked sweets.”

The amusement was plain in his eyes though the rest of his face remained impassive. “I don’t.”

“Oh.”

Her response, or the lack of thereof, seemed to amuse him even further, but there was also that same flash of fondness she’d thought she’d imagined earlier. He didn’t say anything else as he too finished his meal until at last, he stood up and moved to go to the kitchen. Sakura watched as he disappeared behind the door only to return a few moments later with a small bowl of anmitsu.

“Wait, you also made this?” When he’d mentioned having sweets she’d assumed he’d just bought them. Sasuke grunted in response and she couldn’t even find it in herself to get mad. “Wow. I-- Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me before you’ve made sure it’s edible,” he said dryly but she could see the careful way he was watching her as she tried the dessert.

She didn’t know what she expected but it was good. Everything tasted just as it was supposed to and she smiled. “It’s great, Sasuke, thank you. Not just for dessert but the whole meal. And,” she added with a laugh, “for getting me out of the hospital.”

A snort of amusement and another easy silence fell upon the room. Sakura took the opportunity to get another look around. Sure, she’d been there before with Naruto and Kakashi for team bonding or something of the sort, but now, with nothing else to do, she found her eyes drifting. Not entirely surprising that they landed on a picture, the only one she could see, standing innocently on a small coffee table. Their old genin photo.

It was Naruto who had given it to Sasuke, frame and all, upon his return, but the mere fact he’d kept it and displayed so openly had warmth blooming in Sakura’s chest. They had different teams now and Sai and Yamato were without a doubt part of their little family but even so, the four of them -- herself, Sasuke, Naruto and Kakashi -- had something that felt special.

Sasuke noticed her gaze, naturally, but he didn’t say anything. She had a strong feeling he didn’t like to think about those times, regardless of all the good parts, and she respected that; one thing she’d learnt as a medic was that everyone coped in different ways.

“Once again, thank you for the meal,” she repeated as she set the now empty bowl down on the table, suddenly unsure of what to do with her hands. She ended up clasping them in her lap in order to resist fidgeting. “I guess I better get going now. I have an early shift tomorrow and you can imagine what those are like.” She’d stood up at some point and now had to bite her lip to stop talking; she could feel the words bubbling up under the surface and she didn’t think Sasuke would appreciate her rambling.

“I’ll walk you.”

He was also standing, moving around the table to stand in front of her, and she blinked up at him. “Are you sure?” She didn’t add that she could take care of herself because if after everything they’d been through he still didn’t see that then there wasn’t much else she could do. And besides, she had a feeling he hadn’t offered in some misguided attempt to protect her; Naruto usually walked her home after every little gathering they attended, and when he wasn’t able to, Kakashi did it instead under the excuse he was headed in the same direction as her anyway. Hell, even Sai had walked her on one memorable occasion which nearly ended with him in the hospital.

Thus, she concluded, Sasuke was just being a good friend. Still, she didn’t want him to feel as though he had to simply because other members of their team did.

He looked at her in a way that said plenty; if she had to interpret it as just one sentence, however, it would be something along the lines of Of course I’m sure, I wouldn’t have offered otherwise. Another smile grew on her lips and distinctly she remembered Ino saying something about how she’d been smiling a lot lately.

The walk to her apartment was, unsurprisingly, silent. But Sasuke didn’t seem to be in a hurry, matching her slower pace without complaint, and when she felt the heat of his body by her side, she realized they were walking closer than usual too.

Upon reaching the door, she turned to face him. “Thank you for walking me.”

He was about to respond with another grunt, she could feel it, but when he saw her raised eyebrow, his lips twitched in amusement. “You’re welcome.”

Pleased, she turned back around to face the door and was about to insert the key when her mouth opened without her permission. “Would you like to come inside?” She froze, scrunching her nose at her stupidity, and took a breath before looking over her shoulder at Sasuke who hadn’t moved an inch. “For, uh, tea?”

She watched his face carefully, ready to backtrack the second he showed any sign of annoyance, and promptly stopped breathing when he smiled. It was only a half-smile, granted, but it was the closest to a genuine one she’d seen from him and it was directed at her. It softened all his features and even his dark eyes, which had seemed so emotionless a few years ago, now appeared warm.

“Yes,” was all he said and her heart skipped a beat.

So much for platonic feelings.

[hypereactive]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.

billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown

rag’n’bone man - human

rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)

Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead

arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea

15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)

19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w

21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.

23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth

26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?

33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds

34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic

40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored

43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM

46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late

47. Have you ever been high? yea

48. Have you ever been drunk? yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.

55. Favourite blog? uhm.

56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green

57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes

58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce

59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? few times now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.

65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair

67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it

71. Craving something? What? not rn

72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?

75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.

76. What colour is your underwear? why?

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey

80. What colour pants? a darker grey

81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.

82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull

87. First person you talked to today? my sister

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend

89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate

90. Name a person you love? my best friend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex

92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6

95. Last movie you watched? i dont know

96. Favourite actress? i dunno

97. Favourite actor? i dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? no

100. How are you feeling? i dont know

101. Do you type fast? yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly

103. Can you spell well? i think so 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep

108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea

111. Do you have trust issues? yea

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? yea

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually

118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so

119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it

121. Are you mean? no

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? i dont know

128. Would you change your name? no

129. What your zodiac sign? gemini

130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.

134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies

137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?

138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent

139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes

141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm

142. Favourite month? august and october

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.

145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc

146. Was today a good day? i dont know

147. Mars or Snickers? mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”

@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them

[qethnehzul]

The Softest Snow

[4233 Words. Version w/Dovahzul can be found on Ao3

Krosis makes a last stand for the remains of his followers, and reminisces on the things past.

Characters: Krosis, Gruthrathlir

Warnings: Character Death, Violence]

The crying of babies was quieter today. While normally Krosis would be relieved, it was a bad sign. There were fewer now, and the realization made his chest grow tighter with each passing day. They couldn’t keep this up.

Krosis trudged through the snow, staff clenched tightly in one hand and the strap of a bag in the other. Around him shuffled the remains of his loyal - men, woman, and children who had followed him in hopes of sanctuary. Somewhere. Anywhere. The Dragon War had taken their homes from them, and the lives of many of their family and friends. The cold, the exposure, starvation… and the hunters took many, many more in the following years.

Who was even left anymore?

Krosis’s eyes wearily scanned their surroundings. They had managed to wander back around to familiar territory, somewhere within the Pale. Mountains stretched up on either side, which thankfully blocked the worst of the winds… for now. A thick forest of pine trees lined the northern front, but for now they avoided it. The forest was dark, dangerous, and hard to navigate. And on top of that, it was a place that Gruthrathlir couldn’t follow.

Their patron dragon darted in and out of the clouds above, his shadow often the only sign that he had yet to abandon them. Every now and then, people dared to glance up, praying to catch just a glimpse of their guardian above. If it hadn’t been for him… many weren’t sure if they would still be there.

Krosis adjusted the bag, feeling an ache in his bones. They’d been walking for weeks now, from dawn to dusk, from one point to another. They had already been chased out of their own home and had fled west in hopes of finding safety - but it hadn’t lasted long. Soon, they were being chased back east, and more and more of their numbers thinned. Each dawn brought a new death toll, and people wept as the bodies of loved ones were left in the snow, unable to be given a proper burial. It made Krosis’s heart ache. He could do nothing for his people - nothing but continuing to herd them to an unknown fate.

He hadn’t heard from any of the other priests in months. The last person he’d reached contact with was Volsung, when they’d been in her old territory - but where she was, how she was doing, and if she was still alive was beyond him. Those who remained clung to every last available threads.

So many were gone. The temple. The dragons. His people. His friends.

Krosis let out a heavy exhale, the condensation seeping through the mouth of his mask. And still, they were hunted. Hounded. Chased. His people had gone from thousands to less than 200 - a feeble stretch of worn and tired faithful trying to walk through the knee-deep snow to the mountain pass ahead. And then what? To where? To what life? A life of hiding? A life of running? He, Krosis, a high-ranking priest of the temple, was walking beside them carrying his own bag. Years ago, when things had been okay, nobody would have believed that. Krosis may not have been as full of himself as his peers, but this… was unheard of. He had been a king. Gruthrathlir had been a god.

And now they were vermin to be exterminated.

Things would never be the same again. The other priests… he would never see them again either. He knew for certain that most of them were dead already. Who was left? Who were the ones he’d at least heard from in the past year or so? Volsung, Rahgot, Vokun, Klo and Zaan. They were still alive, at least a year ago. 6 of them total. And at one point, there had been 25 of them.

Krosis’s face turned bitter behind his mask. Before that day. Before he betrayed them.

The thought still made what little bile his body could manage boil up in the back of his throat. Miraak… his Miraak…

No, not his Miraak. He had not been his Miraak in decades. He’d left that all behind - Or at least, he wanted to think he had. But ultimately, wasn’t this all his fault? All his cause? The rebellion? The dragon’s downfall? Miraak had sparked all of it, when he’d gone and gotten himself tangled up with the Woodland Man and sought to enslave their gods.

What would he have thought, if he could see what he’d done?

Krosis scoffed quietly.

Nothing, no doubt. He stopped caring, as far as Krosis could tell. After all, what was the last thing he’d said to him?

Krosis could remember.

Two… no… maybe even three decades of being together. Of visiting in secret, of planning meetings to see one another, of dodging danger just for a moment to embrace-

And then suddenly, it began to stop. Miraak had changed. The man he knew so deeply, loved so deeply, was not the same anymore. He was paranoid, distant, detached. Faithless. Those meetings, their letters, the long nights - they slowly petered out. The letters felt empty. Embracing him felt like holding a corpse. Miraak stopped visiting him, holding himself up in Solstheim. His letters grew shorter, less interested.

Dukaan, Ahzidal, and Zahkriisos. They were Miraak’s close companions. He remembered that, he saw that. They were the only ones he talked to now. Even at meetings, Miraak pretended like he wasn’t there. After decades of just dancing around interactions until they were in private, Miraak wouldn’t even acknowledge him - in public or in private. And Zahkriisos…

The thought always made his stomach churn. The way she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, talked to him, postured around him…

And did Miraak stop it? No. Never once.

‘Miraak? Do you wish to be with Zahkriisos instead? I have… seen how she acts around you. If I am no longer of interest to you, please tell me.’

That letter had pained him to write. Every stroke of the brush made him feel like it was being carved into his very skin.

‘Zahkriisos? No. I am not. I do not care for her.’

That was it. He hadn’t even answered the second part of the question. He was avoiding it. There was never any answer about what was becoming of them. They, they, just stopped being a thing. Stopped, without any word on the matter. Not why. Not when.

One day, something had happened. And Miraak was not Miraak anymore.

Almost three decades had suddenly stopped meaning anything. Plans, ideas, habits, all of that meant nothing one day.

Krosis had pushed it off, waiting, hoping, praying for any answer, any change. Of course, it never came. He just watched Miraak grow more and more distance. The letters just became shorter and more inconsistent. Empty. Hollow. Pointless. They stopped being about things that mattered, things they cared for, things about their plans. Pointless drabble. Filler just to keep the letters flowing, if only just.

No matter how many times he’d tried to write it, each time brought tears to his face. He could not stop them from warping the paper and splattering the ink. He’d rewritten it over and over again, but each time the result was the same. Why wouldn’t it be? Two and a half decades. And this was how it was going to end.

‘To my dearest Miraak,

This is the last letter I will be sending you. I understand that, for whatever reasons, you have grown tired of me. I do not know what it is that I have done wrong, but I see you show no interest in continuing this. In us. And I cannot bear this any longer.

I wish this could have ended differently. But I wish you luck. In whatever it is you are focused on now.

Farewell, Miraak. Perhaps your future will bring you more happiness then I had.

-Nonvul’

When his hawk returned, there was a scroll of paper attached. It was small, and it took Krosis all his courage to take it and unroll it. And for what?

Just a stamp. Miraak’s stamp. Nothing more. A acknowledgement that he’d received the message.

Two and a half decades.

Krosis remembered holding the paper in his hands. He remembered how badly his hands had shaken, just looking down at the simple symbol stamped onto the page in patchy black ink.

Two and a half decades, and all Miraak had said in ending it was a single stamp.

Krosis had thrown it into the fire. The tiny paper couldn’t even finish shriveling away to ash before Krosis broke down again.

Krosis. Your name is Krosis. You are Krosis.

Nonvul was stripped away from him. Noble. Honorable.

What a sick joke.

‘We have decided, in reflection of the past few years, that it would be proper to reevaluate that in which you are named.’

Krosis.

Not Nonvul.

In the ashes and wake of everything Miraak had done, it was one more insult. One more bitter, painful reminder.

Maybe before everything, others would have disagreed. But they had agreed. Oh, Krosis remembered. They had bitterly agreed. Miraak, Ahzidal, Dukaan, Zahkriisos. They had betrayed them, no matter how close. No mistakes like that would be made again.

There would be no more friendships. No more risks.

Krosis.

Sorrow. Unfortunate. Apologies.

The words stuck to the back of his throat.

He was Krosis.

Sorrow. Krosis’s tired eyes lifted from his thoughts. His people were ragged and thin. They were dying. He herded them forward to a long, slow, hopeless death. He knew that. He and Gruthrathlir had talked about it in length, as they looked down on the ever-shrinking camps of followers. There were few places to go. Many had already fled. Many had already accepted their fates. Krosis had fought to believe that there would be some hope, somewhere, for his people. Now he knew that there would be no such thing.

And in the depths of winter, he could see the end. Each day they marched closer to it. Would it be kinder, to ask the people to lay down and accept death? Was it cruel to promise them hope of salvation and sanctuary, when he knew it did not exist any longer?

Volsung was holding out. She had not disclosed where she and her followers had wound up, and Krosis would not ask her about it. It was too risky. If any message was intercepted, he could put Volsung and her people in danger.

They were a vermin that needed to be exterminated.

Miraak had started a rebellion against the dragons and their worshippers.

Miraak was going to kill him, one way or another.

“Sonaak Krosis!”

Krosis lifted his gaze again, squinting through the snow that drifted downward. A ragged man, panting, exhausted, managed to stumble through the snow towards the dragon priest. People watched him fearfully, women pulling children closer and people exchanging soft chitter of worry.

“Yes? Is something wrong?” Krosis spoke, his voice cracking after so much silence and so little water.

The man stopped just before Krosis, shaking badly as he panted. “They’re just behind us. They’re catching up. A-at least fifty, if not… if not more. Armed. All armed,” the man said, his voice almost sounding hysteric.

Krosis looked back over his shoulder. Their pursuers hadn’t broken the ridge behind them yet, but he did not doubt this man’s words. He knew they were being followed. They all knew. It was just a matter of time before they caught up again. Krosis looked back to the man.

The man stared, brown eyes wide, tired, looking for an answer. Even the strongest, healthiest of them had gaunt cheeks, scabs, frostbite. Nobody here was in any condition to fight. The others who had slowed to listen looked to Krosis for some sort of miracle.

“Gather everyone. Head for the pass as quickly as you can. Once everyone is through, you must collapse it so they will have to reroute,” Krosis ordered, his voice low. He slid his bag off his shoulder, letting it fall into the snow with a heavy, muffled thud. He held out the strap of it to the man, who stared at him with confusion. “...I will stay here. I will hold them off as long as I can. Do not wait for me. If I am to rejoin you, I will find my own way.”

The man took a step back. “Sonaak Krosis, we can’t-”

“You can, and you will,” Krosis ordered, urging the man to take his belongings. “Go. Hurry. You don’t have time to waste.”

Soft murmuring shifted between the few around before one by one they picked up their pace. The scout frowned, eyes full of pain before he nodded and reached out to take Krosis’s bag. “Where shall we go?” He asked quietly.

Krosis straightened himself out. “Keep heading east. Head for the pass at the north end of mountains. There… they may leave you alone then,” Krosis said softly. He knew that he could not guarantee that. He knew they wouldn’t even make it to the mouth of the White River.

The man gave a bow, closing his eyes tightly. “Thank you. Please return to us, Sonaak Krosis,” he said, giving Krosis one more worried look before turning to gather up the others.

Krosis watched the man run through the snow, leaving him alone. People ahead started to pick up their pace, gathering together. Babies began to cry. He could hear the panic. Krosis tilted his head back as a shadow passed overhead.

Gruthrathlir slowly descended down, coming to land in the snow bank a few feet from him. His black spines bristled, looking down the valley in the direction they’d come from. “...You will not run?”

Krosis followed Gruthrathlir’s gaze, seeing the very tops of banners start to speckle the horizon. Slowly, he shook his head. “No. They will not reach the pass if I do.”

The wind picked up, making snow drift sideways for a few moments. Gruthrathlir slowly lumbered over to Krosis, scales bristling. “You do this, even if you know they will die anyways?”

Krosis closed his eyes. No. They would not make it. Even if they made it through the pass, they would slowly die of exposure.

Years ago, he knew his body would have been buried in a tomb as a king, tended to for the rest of time by loyal servants. He snorted to himself. Now he would be lucky if the ravens picked at his corpse before it froze over to be lost in the snow.

“We have to face this fate someday. I am ready.”

The dragon’s white scales rattled as he let out a low rumble. The two stood in silence, watching their pursuers slowly approach on the horizon. Krosis could seem them readying for battle, no doubt only worried because of the dragon. He was one dragon priest. Before, he was feared. But now, alone… he was pitiful.

Krosis turned to look at his patron. “Go. They will fight you if you stay.”

“I know,” Gruthrathlir rumbled, his tail swaying through the snow.

Krosis looked up to the dragon, the shouts of the soldiers ahead echoing now through the air.

Gruthrathlir tilted his head to look down at Krosis. “I will fight beside you until they make the pass. Then… I will bring you to them. Alive, or dead. You will not be left to fight this battle alone.”

“You don’t need to do this, my lord,” Krosis whispered, trying to steel himself. He tightened his fingers around his staff, trying to take a deep breath.

Gruthrathlir chuckled, frost curling from between his sharp teeth. “No, I don’t. Yet, I am. To the end.”

Krosis wanted nothing more then to reach out and brush the scales of his companion one last time, but he didn’t dare. Not before the men only a few dragon’s lengths from them. “May your reign last forever, my lord. It was my honor to serve you,” he said softly, pulling on his magic. He pulled on the fabric of the world around him, calling forth a frost atronach from beyond to aid him. The golem-like creature rumbled, immediately aware of its targets.

Gruthrathlir spread his wings wide, preparing to take to the sky. “I will see you again, Krosis. This I know. I promise you, as my loyal,” he said, slowly taking to the sky. The snow bloomed around him in a great cloud, making it almost impossible for Krosis to see him as he soared upwards.

Krosis exhaled slowly, casting another spell in preparation. Energy flowed through his skin, before making a dense armor of magic over his skin. Krosis’s focus returned to the armed men. Their leader stepped forward in the group, a man in heavy nordic armor. Krosis could tell he wanted to say something, something snide, but the priest didn’t give him the chance.

Krosis hurled a spear of ice out of his hand. The man jerked to the side, saved by a swipe from one of his allie’s blades. The leader gave Krosis a scowl, before commanding his men forward.

Krosis’s atronach charged forward in return, meeting the wall of men in a clash of metal and ice. Krosis took a step back, swinging his staff around. A giant fireball was let loose from the mouth at the end, exploding on the other side of the front line.

Men shrieked between his attack and the atronach’s assault, but more men pressed forward. A arrow shot forward from the crowd, missing Krosis narrowly.

He couldn’t let them get closer. He took another step back, unleashing a ice storm to try to slow the men down so he could back up a bit more. Another arrow shot through the ice, making contact with his shoulder. It bounced off his ebonyflesh, but the impact still made Krosis wince under his armor.

“Give up, dragon worshiper! You aren’t going to win!” Their leader snarled, using his shield to push through the ice storm.

Krosis narrowed his eyes, but made no response. No, he was not going to win. But he had to buy time. He resisted the urge to look back and check at how far his people had gotten. He summoned up more of his magicka, releasing another ice storm. He just needed to bide them time.

Gruthrathlir suddenly descended from the clouds with a roar, sending some of the less seasoned men scattering in a scream of terror. A stream of ice and a downburst of frigid wind followed him, pelting the men below. The arrows, to Krosis’s relief, turned to try to take down the dragon instead. Most bounced harmlessly off of the dragon’s white scales, but a few found the soft skin between plating.

Krosis grimaced, but he could not help his patron. If Gruthrathlir needed, he could just leave. He owned Krosis nothing.

But Gruthrathlir didn’t. The battle would not last long enough anyways, but it would last as long as Krosis needed it to.

The hunter’s numbers had thinned - much more than they’d anticipated. Krosis assumed that he and Gruthrathlir had at least halved how many their were, but too many still remained. Krosis could feel himself pulling at the bottom of his magicka. He didn’t have enough to summon a third atronach, or cast more ebonyflesh. His last atronach had crumbled, and he had a sinking feeling his ebonyflesh wasn’t going to be too far behind.

Gruthrathlir’s strafes had slowed down, and the last time Krosis had seen the dragon the rivers of blood were apparent on his pale scales. A few times he’d been forced to land, and Krosis feared the dragon himself wouldn’t last much longer. And yet, he fought on too.

Krosis looked back over his shoulder. The last of his people were heading up the pass, soon to make it through the break in the rocks where Krosis prayed they could seal it.

His breath hitched. Pain streaked out through his side, digging deep into his gut. His head snapped forward again, eyes wide as his hand instinctively came down to his side. His fingers brushed against the cold shaft of an arrow, and came back with warm, red blood. He looked at his wound, his hand, before looking back to the people before him.

The next arrow hit his pauldron, bouncing off, but it came with enough force to make his shoulder jerk backwards. Krosis hissed in pain, raising his staff weakly to fire another fireball. Nothing. Even his staff was out of juice.

A weak  groan of pain was wrought from his lips at the next arrow, feeling it land in his shoulder. The end of the line was finally here. He pulled on the very last strands of his magicka, using everything he had to cast one more ice storm. Just a bit longer…

Krosis looked back over his shoulder. Only a few lingered, paused as he could only assume they looked down at him. They made it. But for what? To die on the other side…?

What difference did it make? Maybe they would make it anyways.

Another arrow dug into his ribcage, making him stagger back. He tried to take a deep breath, but all he got was pain. He coughed, legs shaking before he turned to face the remaining soldiers. Blood rushed in his ears, and the sound of his own breathing in his mask sounded suddenly so much louder. His mouth tasted like iron, and when he coughed he could feel warm liquid spray from his lips and out of the slit of his mask.

Were they saying something? He could see the leader’s mouth moving, but it all sounded muffled.

Krosis tried to keep his staff pointed at them, exhausted. He had to keep going. Keep them back. Keep his people safe. He was a dragon priest. He would lead them to safety, like he always did, like he promised he would. His vision tunneled and blurred a bit as he struggled to stay standing, not moving back even as his enemies grew closer.

So damn tired. So much walking. So much wandering for nothing.

“Do you think they would allow me to move?”

Miraak glanced over at him, brow arched. “Hm?”

Krosis shrugged, looking back out at the ocean. He leaned forward on the balcony. “Our temples are… so far apart. It is such a great distance to travel to see you. I thought, perhaps, that I might be allowed to relocate.”

Miraak chuckled. “To where?”

Krosis shrugged again. “Somewhere closer.”

Miraak hummed, stroking his beard in thought, though Krosis could tell it was more mocking than serious. “You would have to change spots with Nahkriin, or Haldriin. I must assume that Nahkriin would be… less than interested.”

Krosis snorted. “There are mountains in my territory.”

“Yes, but not nearly as many,” Miraak leaned forward as well, watching a gull drift in the breeze. “What about Gruthrathlir?”

Krosis blinked, before looking out at the ocean as well. “...You mean more to me, Miraak.” Krosis slid his hand across the stone, finding Miraak’s. He tangled his fingers slowly with his lover’s, holding his hand tightly.

Miraak looked down, before moving to place a gentle kiss on Krosis’s temple.

“Do you think there will be a day when we can ever be a family, Miraak?” Krosis asked quietly, leaning into Miraak’s shoulder.

Miraak exhaled slowly, leaning back before resting his cheek on Krosis’s head. “I… I will ensure there will be,” Miraak mumbled, his gaze soft.

For nothing.

Krosis spat up another mouthful of blood, crimson dripping out of the mask’s mouth before slowly dripping down into the white snow below. Splatters of blood already left a trail from where he’d been standing to where he’d ended, his legs just holding.

For nothing. Everything. The mask. His loyalty. His love. His life.

Krosis.

It had been for nothing.

The last arrow embedded itself in his chest, to the left of his armor. His legs finally gave out, and he fell backwards into the snow. Powder drifted up around him as he sunk into the snow, seeing some of it creep up in the blurry edges of his vision. His staff remained in a deathly tight grip, refusing to let it go. His other blood-stained hand lay stretched out to his side.

Gruthrathlir’s shadow circled overhead.

His skin was so warm. Soft. Tangled together in the dim candle light.

Krosis’s eyes grew heavy.

Volsung shook her head, turning away as he pulled his mask back down quickly, cheeks scalding red.

“I saw nothing,” she said flatly, though they both heard the teasing tinge to it.

He’d given Krosis’s side a almost playful squeeze in return.

Why?

The necklace felt heavy around his neck, but warm. He’d been keeping it hidden around his own neck until they were alone. How happy he’d felt.

Suffocating. A weak choke, more iron. Pain, cold, numbing. Dark shadows of people looking down at him.

It had felt heavier when he’d hurled it into the ocean. Watching the splash of the waves. The quiet presence of Vokun at his side.

The people backed away quickly as dark blotches speckled his vision.

Quiet. Peaceful.

Gruthrathlir’s shadow grew closer.

Would he be there?

Closer. Darker.

Did it matter?

Darker.

Nothing.

Black.

There was nothing.

Krosis

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

Ghost of you, 15/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 15/?.

Pairings: Human!Nine x Rose; Human!Ten x Jack; Clara Oswald x Olivia Baxter (OC).

Synopsis: "She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before."

A/N: I've started writing this fiction last year after I had a particularly weird dream (as usual) and after I wrote the prologue, I've put it aside to work on other stuff. I've gone back to it not so long ago and decided that it would be the fiction I would post next, after not posting anything for a while. I must have watched I am legend and Game of thrones way too much to come out with something like this but I hope you will like it. I am not a scientist, nor did I have a particular knowledge of sciences. I do my researches on the internet like everyone to make sure everything is as close to the reality as possible. I have a literature degree only. Writing is what I do and it makes me explore next fields, and learn new things.

“'Cause I'd rather feel your pain than nothing at all.” - Three Doors Down.

CHAPTER 15:

Amy woke up slowly. She was wrapped into a cocoon of warmth and well-being. She didn’t remember when was the last time she had felt so well. She stretched her body. She was taking all her time. She didn’t want to lose this precious well-being she hadn’t felt in ages. There was someone lay by her side. She rolled on her side and cuddled into the warm body beside her. She heard a smile and someone wrapped an arm around her. She must be dreaming but that dream was pleasurable. She liked it. She lazily wrapped her arm around that person. She didn’t know what she had expected but certainly not to be so close to a woman. This surprised her beyond words and she reluctantly rolled away from the unknown person she liked cuddling into. She couldn’t let herself go that way. The other woman reacted by trying to soothe her but Amy was too sleepy to be calmed down so easily. She needed to clear her mind first. Moaning, she pushed the hand away and rubbed her eyes. She stretched her body and looked around her. She wasn’t in her office but she wasn’t in her house either. It was a room she didn’t know. Had she done it again? Had she drunk until she had a blackout and been brought home by some stranger? There were pictures on the wall facing the bed. Pictures of a couple. Great, the woman she was with was married. She would have to deal with another cheated husband. She knew well that she didn’t have any control on herself when she was drunk. It was only a way to mute her pain. She was doing this when it was too strong, when it was suffocating her. She focused on the pictures on the wall. She wanted to see what the man she would have to face in the near future – because fate always made sure she faced them – looked like and the last pieces of the puzzle clicked together. It was Maxence Spitz. She remembered how she had ended up here. She had watched Rose work with Maxence for a while and the scientist had taken her into the private parts of the lab. They had had a quick lunch and they had settled down here. After a quick shower, they had lain down in bed and, reassured that she wasn’t alone for once, Amy had fallen asleep rather quickly. How much time had she slept? Had Rose watched her while she was asleep or had she slept too? It felt weird to be here, in this bed, with the wife of the man supposed to be her boss at the moment. But it was the start of a friendship. “How long have I slept?” A certain time according to her croaked voice and the feeling of being rested. She hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. It was before… “I’d say eight solid hours.” “Eight hours?” “You needed that sleep.” “And you?” “A couple hours.” Amy looked up at Rose. She was sat against a pile of pillows, glasses on her head and a book on her lap. She was reading and marking pages by folding their upper corner. Probably a book about her current researches. She looked as exhausted as before though. “You don’t look like someone who’s slept.” “Never said it was a good sleep.” “Do you have nightmares?” “I’m not the only one.” Rose looked away from her book to stare at Amy. Those whiskey eyes were clear on the meaning of those words. Somewhen during the night she had dreamt of this event and she must have screamed and cried and struggled against the sheets. “Sorry.” “Don’t be. I know what it is.” If there was something nice about Rose, it was that she wasn’t asking questions. She was giving her the time to consider the eventuality and if she wasn’t talking, she wouldn’t insist. She would wait until she was ready. “We all have our demons. You know mine already.” “But you don’t know mine.” “You’re not forced to talk to me.” “You’ve been comforting me, that’s the least I can do. You’re also the only one to care about me here.” Her voice was sad when she evoked this lack of friends in her surroundings. Rose was the first one to ever hold a hand out to her in this place and it felt amazing to have someone like her so close to her. Somehow, it felt easier to make friends in such a situation. She hesitantly snuggled closer to her new friend. “In my hometown, I’m known to sleep with married women,” she chuckled. “It only happened once but you know how people are.” “We all do mistakes.” “When my pain was suffocating me, I was going to a pub and drinking until I couldn’t feel it anymore. Once, I was taken home by a woman and I woke up in her bed. Only to be caught by her husband a couple hours later.” Amy fell silent after this admission. She was waiting for the judgement to come. People always judged a woman that was sleeping with someone married or that was having relations with another woman. But Rose didn’t say a thing. Instead, she pointed to a picture on the wall. A younger version of her and Maxence together in a park. Maxence had his arms around Rose and he was smiling brightly. Rose was just as happy on this picture. “This was the day we admitted our feelings to each other. It was one month after I broke up with Liv.” “You mean…” “Olivia Baxter, our doctor. We’ve known each other since forever. I’m totally bi. Not gonna judge you on this one.” “We didn’t…” “No.” Amy was relieved to know this at least. A friend that wasn’t judging her and that hadn’t let her make another mistake. Finally someone open minded. “Not enough alcohol in this building for us to be drunk. And I’m faithful.” “I used to be,” sadly murmured the therapist. She sat up and stared at the wall before her. She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before but Rose was offering her the trust and friendship she needed. It was all new but she knew deep down that she could say anything to this woman. She would listen and never judge. Hopefully. As a way to prove it, Rose took her hand and gently squeezed it. “The virus was already out when it happened. It wasn’t as bad as it is now. We could go out and have fun. And that’s what we did, my husband and son and I. There was a fair in our little town and we’ve spent the day there. It was a long and amazing day. My little boy, my William…” Her voice trailed off and she stopped speaking for a couple minutes. The anxiety was strangling her again. Rose didn’t say anything, she just stroked her hand with her thumb. A way to reassure her, to tell her that she wasn’t alone. After all, she was going through a loss too and she knew what it was. There was nothing to say at the moment. She could only listen. “We let him eat too much sugar and he was sick. I was driving so Bob, my husband, could deal with our son. He was blaming me for buying so much candy floss and so many sweets and I was trying to argue that our son’s happiness was the only thing that mattered. Every kid experiences sickness because of sweets at one point. But this argument signed our end. It distracted us.” She closed her eyes as the memories flew into her mind. She could see herself driving, her husband turned to watch William who was complaining about a belly ache. Two parents arguing and a sick child. She was looking for a place to stop the car so they could get out and breathe some fresh air to make the nausea disappear. And this man came out of nowhere. She brutally steered to avoid him and she lost the control of the car. No matter how hard she was trying to get the control back, the car kept sliding on the road and her husband was yelling at her and it was disturbing her. What had to happen happened. The car left the road and collided with a tree. The shock was so violent and so sudden that the airbags didn’t work. Her head bumped against the steering wheel and she thought it was over for her. “When I woke up, I was in the ICU. They waited until I was transferred to the light cares unit before telling me the truth. They haven’t suffered, they say. The collision killed them both instantly.” This was the last straw. Amy burst into tears and Rose wrapped her arms around her. She hugged her tight and rubbed her back while she cried all the pain that was still hurting her heart.

x

Zachary was worried. He had watched Maxence working and entering all the formula he had written on the wall on his personal space. Zachary had transferred the data to Tegan for him to approve of them. He would have to talk with Rose to be sure this was exact and to use those formula for their researches. But that wasn’t the reason why Zachary was so worried. After he was done, Maxence had cleaned the walls and instead of pacing around his cage, he had lain down and closed his eyes as if he was gonna sleep. At first, Zachary had thought he was doing it out of habit – a habit from when he was human – or because he was simply bored and wanted to look at the ceiling like he was often doing. Allegro was watching a movie in his cell. There was nothing to worry about for him. However, for Maxence, things were getting complicated. His brain seemed to have switched to a standby mode. A sort of sleep that wasn’t really sleep. He was just lying there with his eyes closed. Zachary was keeping an eye on his vital signs. His brain activity had reduced to the minimum, to the very minimum. If Zach didn’t have the other information under his eyes, he would think that the man was dead or about to be. Maybe he was dying. Zachary wasn’t very qualified on this field but he was clever enough to understand that something was wrong. The vital signs weren’t good at all. He entered an alert on their interactive group work. Someone needed to come and do a check up on him. Just to be sure that the fake cure given to him wasn’t having any effect on him anymore. Just a precaution not to lose him all of a sudden. Tegan was busy with the hacker and the maker of this fake cure at the moment and he wouldn’t be able to come before he was done. Rose had gone with Amy a little moment ago and they hadn’t come back yet. Jack and Clara were checking new formulas with Martha. Liv was probably getting some rest somewhere. All the qualified people of this team were busy elsewhere. Zachary hoped they would see the alert before anything happened to Maxence. That could be really bad. Allegro, on the other hand, was perfectly fine. All the effects of the ultraviolet were gone since they had turned off the lights and he hadn’t had any other fit of anger. Another check up was supposed to be done on him. If he was getting three negatives in a row, he would be able to come out of this place. It would be a relief but he wasn’t putting his hopes too high. He was bored in this cage but he was also very safe. Zachary was often chatting with him whenever he was having a small break. “Any good zombie movies to recommend to me?” It was just yesterday. Allegro was in a quite good mood and he wanted to joke. A zombie movie really was the easiest of jokes in the current times. That was why Allegro had asked for this. “What makes you think I’m a fan of zombie movies?” “You’re quite young. Young people love scaring themselves with those sorts of movies.” “Sorry to disappoint you, I’m prefer comedies and anime series. I love a good documentary too.” “Still a kid inside.” “What’s the point of growing up if you can’t be childish at times?” “I like your philosophy but I unfortunately have seen too many horrors to find my innocence again.” Just like Jack, Allegro had been a soldier before. When his contract with the army was over, he hadn’t renewed it. Instead, he had started looking for small jobs that were less stressful and that didn’t require traveling that much. That’s how he had ended up being a security member of this lab. Not a bad job during the good times. “You’re locked in there for a while, why not bringing back all those memories from your childhood? I’m sure the cartoons you used to watch are still available.” “How old do you think I am?” Zachary chuckled. He knew how old Allegro was. He was gonna turn forty soon. On normal times, some of his colleagues would have organised a small surprise party. Just to celebrate this special day. This lab could be such a perfect place sometimes. “Old enough to listen to those songs no one knows on Jazz FM.” “I like this radio. It’s relaxing.” “More a fan of Beethoven, me.” “That is surprising.” “I like rock music. I wish I could have gone to a Maiden concert. I guess it’s a dream that will never come true though.” “You can’t know. They maybe will find a cure that will save this world.” “It will take a while before people start trusting other people again to gather into public places.” “There’s this band I really like. A French band. It’s quite special but it’s really good. Ever heard of Indochine?” “If that’s not about this part of the world, then, I don’t what it is.” “It inspired the name. Listen to it. It’s really nice.” That’s how Zach had ended up on YouTube to listen to that French band while Allegro was taking a nap. Old school, bit weird, but very good. He really liked the music. Some of their songs were bringing energy and good vibes. It certainly was appreciated. “Are you watching one of those cartoons again?” joked Allegro. “Nope.” “That seems entertaining.” “It is. That’s the band you’ve told me about. I don’t understand half the lyrics but their music is nice.” “You can’t understand them. There isn’t any sense to their lyrics most of the time.” “Not sure about it.” “That’s not what’s causing you to be so anxious though.” “No. I’m keeping an eye on Maxence’s vital signs and they haven’t been good for a couple hours. I’ve entered an alert but no one has seen it yet.” “Is this that bad?” “If there wasn’t this information on my screen, I’d thought he’s dead. He hasn’t moved in hours.” “And no one had come? That’s weird.” “They’re all busy. T is on the hacker case. Rose is with the therapist. Jack and Clara and Martha are busy with some new formulas. I have no idea where Liv can be. And there’s nothing…” He was interrupted in his explanation by the striding sound and the red alert on his screens. Maxence sat up straight suddenly, gasping for air. He tapped the wall for someone to help him. Zach was powerless but thankfully, he saw Liv, fully dressed into a hazmat suit, running straight to his cage. She had seen the alert, he thought with relief. Maxence was coughing now. He still couldn’t breathe. He fell down the bed, on his hands and knees. Liv tried to talk to him but he wasn’t listening. All he wanted was air. She placed an oxygen mask on his face. He greedily breathed in that pure air finally reaching his lungs. “Breathe slowly, Maxence. Very slowly.” He wasn’t listening. He was too focused on taking as much air as he could. He was feeling better now that he could breathe again. He looked up at Liv and saw the sadness and fear in her eyes. She pressed her fingers on his ear briefly and pulled them back. The tip of her gloves was covered with a crimson sticky fluid. Blood. He touched his face, his ears, his nose, his mouth and his fingers were covered with the same blood. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. “We’re gonna have to make you go through another scan.” She had seen his latest results and they were bad. Jack had created an alert about it earlier this week. Zachary’s had made an echo to this alert and was telling them that the situation was getting worse. Maxence was fighting the virus and it was slowly killing him. Liv cupped his cheek. “You have to stop fighting. I know you don’t want to, but you have to. It’s important. You’re dying, Maxence.” Dying. The word echoed in his mind. Wasn’t he already dying? Wasn’t he dead since the moment he had been infected? He wanted to get better and he needed to be himself to find that cure. He couldn’t be himself if he stopped fighting. Rose wanted him to fight. So he had to keep fighting. Whatever it caused him. “I’m serious, Max. You might not hold on until we find that cure if you don’t let the virus win.” He shook his head and put the mask back on his face. Liv was amazed to see how aware he was of his surroundings. She knew it was because he was fighting but it was still a shock to see it. “Rose will understand. Nightwalkers don’t die from the virus unless they get involved in fights. You can’t be both. You’ll get back to your real self, but not now.” He pushed the mask away once again. His breathing was much better. He didn’t need it anymore. He gave it back to Liv. She would probably have to destroy it now. She wouldn’t use it on someone healthy. Or she would keep it for him if he was having another fit. “You can let go. It’s okay.” He didn’t want to. He refused to. He didn’t want to abandon his friends, his team. He wanted to help them as much as he could. Even if he had to die for this. He shook his head and Liv took her hand away from his face. “I’ll always be there to save you like you’ve saved me if you keep fighting. I won’t let you die.” He was surprised by the sudden change of speech from the young woman. What was making her change her mind so quickly? There must be a reason for that. “You never gave up when I was in troubles,” she murmured. “So I’m never gonna give up until you’re better.” Next thing he knew, she was hugging him tight. The plastic of the suit creaked. It was rather unpleasant to feel this against his skin but it was the first time he was given a hug in forever. So he hugged her back. It wasn’t the same as hugging Rose but it was okay. He liked it. Finally someone wasn’t afraid of the nightwalker him.

x

Tegan quickly walked to the public workspace where Camden and Donna were working. Camden had asked for him to come because they had found a clue for the patient zero. Even if it was good news, he wasn’t pleased to be interrupted in his rest. He had sorted things out with Colin and made him lock away in an empty area of the lab with guards to be sure he wouldn’t run away. It was also for him to be fed and taken care of if there was any problem. This was a solved case. While he was resting after Liv healed him, there had been this alert from Zachary that was causing him to be anxious. So anxious that he was on the edge of panicking. That was why Liv had insisted on him resting. She would check on Maxence and keep him updated. His head was pounding and his face was painful. Colin had quite a punch and doing nothing to protect himself had been a clever but dangerous move. He was paying for it but that pain was highly satisfying knowing the result. He had remained on the couch of his office for a moment before another mail came. A mail from Camden requiring his presence immediately. He had sighed and made his way there. He couldn’t refuse any clue when it was for a cure that would save Maxence. “I hope that’s not a deadlock. I’m not in the mood for fake hopes.” Speaking was hurting because it was using too many muscles that were bruised and sensitive but he couldn’t avoid this conversation. It was too crucial. Donna opened her eyes wide when she saw his face and Camden raised an interrogative eyebrow. This place was rather interesting in the end. The interactions between the scientists seemed to be highly charged. More than in a usual lockdown situation. There were personal matters interfering. It was fascinating. “What has happened to you?” “Bad moves while training.” “I’ve studied biology. This is not an accident.” “Whatever. This is not what brings me here, right?” “Jack and Clara will tell you I’m a very curious man.” “He is,” confirmed Donna. “And I never give up until I have my answers.” “That’s also true,” sighed the red-haired woman. “Well, look for all the answers you want and give me what I’ve come for.” Tegan sat down on the chair facing Camden and pushed the cardboard boxes that were in front of him. He folded his arms on his chest. He wanted to go back to his couch with an ice pack and an aspirin. But he was as curious as Camden and wanted his answers. “As a scientist, you must know what the Xeroderma Pigmentosum is.” “Yes. An extremely rare disease that makes every patient unable to bear the UV lights.” “And did you know there were researches to find a cure?” “Just like every cancer on Earth, there always has been researches for Xeroderma Pigmentosum. Get straight to the point.” Camden gathered a couple of papers that were scattered in front of him and pushed them toward Tegan. The neurologist took them. He didn’t understand where Camden was going but it was because his pain was distracting him. “We’ve found out that the most important researches were done by someone called Myrtle Appleton. Here, in England.” “However,” continued Donna, “she was sacked from the lab she was working in because she was using unconventional methods. It was a couple days before the virus hit the world officially.” “But she didn’t stop her researches. She has done them clandestinely.” “So, you’re telling me that this Myrtle Appleton was running experiences secretly and that one of these experiences might have gone wrong and provoked this whole mess?” “Yes.” Tegan put the documents down. He hadn’t even read them. His mind was focused on something else, something that didn’t please him at all. He jumped to his feet and left the workspace. He made his way to the empty part of the building where Colin was locked. Their paths kept crossing and Tegan really, really hated it…

To be continued...

Ghost of you © | 2017 - 2018 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

In the next chapter:

Colin was outrageously relaxed for someone who had been sacked and locked away. Tegan was resisting the envy of throwing him out of the lab and letting him see how he would survive out there. It was a chance that it hadn’t done it yet since Colin was gonna be really useful if he accepted to speak. Tegan wouldn’t get inside his prison. It would be playing Colin’s game. He would just do what he had to do by staying outside. One black eye was enough for him. He observed Colin. The scientist was laid on the desk of the room and watching the ceiling. He had a smirk on his face. He didn’t seem bothered at all by the whole situation. He was annoyed to have been caught but he was living it quite well. And this was infuriating Tegan. How could this mad scientist be so happy with himself when he almost killed a man?

×××

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English version:

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[thirteenthspirit]

I would, my friend, Fernando (Part I)

Where to start… You know how they say you instantly know it when you meet ‘the one’ – you know, that person you think you’re meant to spend the rest of your days with, grow old together, the whole shebang. Well, I think it happened to me. Emphasis on the ‘think’ bit.

I met him as a random grindr hookup – sure, not the prettiest beginning to a story, but I’m sure I’ll weave a prettier lie at our wedding. It was nice and all, but we barely bothered to learn each other’s names.

A few months later, I was about to do a Raid in Pokémon GO with the usual team when he showed up, joining the party. I didn’t instantly recognize him, but as we kept raiding the following days and he kept appearing, I realized it was him. The random hipster hookup from a couple of months ago.

When I say hipster, what I really mean is… I have no idea. Somewhere between fashionable and trashy, cool and geeky, ‘lumberjack chic’ – but, as he himself would put it, sometime later, “skinny legend fashion icon”. Just rolls off the tongue, am I right. So you have a clearer picture, he is very tall, appears to be in his early 30s and is overtly fond of beanies and skinny jeans – oh, and of course, the moustache. Not the gross overgrown kind nor the plain ‘single line’ one, but a perfect blend of both, just looks good and different on him. The kind of person that draws everyone’s gaze in, when they enter the room.

He eventually joined our local whatsapp group for Pokémon GO raids and we began to see each other more often. It was a fun game of “we have met before but we don’t really acknowledge it”, between me and him. He sent me a friend request on Instagram, and we began to chat one-on-one from there.

The conversation began developing after I learned that he needed a Spinda, of which I had 2, so I offered him one. He lived literally across the street from me, so we could trade from our respective couches. I think that same day, since we lived so close together, we arranged to go for a walk after dinner, to catch Pokémon. The never-ending “shiny hunt”.

And again the following day.

And the next. And the next one after that too.

The conversation deepened. Since we met in that fashion, there were no boundaries regarding our hookups and sexuality. It didn’t take long for us to become very good friends and talk on a constant basis. Plus we had a lot of interests in common – we were both somewhat emotionally-distant people and with a peculiar sense of humor.

For us to connect so easily, it was definitely a weird thing - my area of expertise is Finance (I currently work at a bank) and my professional experience has always been at several desk jobs. Some better, some worse, but ‘inconsistently consistent’ (the reverse of Grace Helbig). A corporate man, I guess, leaning more towards the realistic side of life, rather than pandering to the dreamer and ambitious one. He is on the opposite end of the spectrum. He is an elementary school teacher and an editor for a magazine and has even written (and successfully published) his own book. A writer in every sense of the word.

Personality-wise, I am what you would call an introvert by nature – not exactly shy, but definitely the proud owner of a handful of unresolved childhood issues caused by enthusiastic bullies and shame. I wear glasses, which help in conveying the whole ‘geek’ category and am of an average build and somewhat tall. I’ve still got my share of face imperfections and pimples at the age of 25 and look younger than my actual age – something we both have in common. Our personalities just clicked though, his extremely offensive sense of humor contrasts well to my fake well-behaved and nice demeanor and we’ve bot got similar personal values and empathy when dealing with others. A couple of nice chaps, is what the ordinary passerby would think.

We became best friends. He confided in me about his past relationships, the good the bad and the (very) ugly and I vented to him about my insecurities and depressive thoughts. We saw each other roughly every day, during our usual “old ladies” walk through a nearby park, always worshipping that battery-draining app. On the weekends, we unknowingly formed the habit of getting breakfast together and basking in the sun for a bit. I was going through a tough time at the time, what with my mother not being in her best shape or form, mentally speaking, leading me to come out to my parents amidst an argument (NOT the best way to do it) – this situation worsened after we had a little house-fire scare. So his presence really helped and comforted me.

Time passed. Mall trips, community days, ex raids, regular dinners and breakfasts and breakfast-lunches. He was pretty much the person I saw the most. And quickly became my favorite.

I was always keenly aware of how close we were getting, and how it might be affecting me and my ability to connect with other friends, but I never gave much thought to the situation escalating. He was 38 years old, and I was 25. The thought alone made me never overthink the relationship.

Until I did. Until the “what if” statement popped into my mind. And the age gap just… lost its entire relevance. I tried to push the feelings down, but as all feelings do, it just made them get bigger and more intense. You see, my past relationships have been failed ones, because I wasn’t emotionally involved in them – I was like meh. So I didn’t really know what it was like to actually like someone. But I was smart enough to recognize it – this was probably my first real interaction with “infatuation” and dare I say it, love.

Here’s the part of the story where the sky is bright and the road ahead is hopeful and sunny.

Spoilers: It’s not.

Why not? Well. Because it’s completely one-sided. Unrequited love. Nothing less, nothing more, the usual boring sappy story of friend in love with his best-friend but unable to do anything about it.

“Well, why not do anything about it? Tell him!” The Jiminy Cricket in my head says.

I definitely let him know, I drop hints here and there, statements like “we’ll be together in 20 years” and getting notably jealous when he’s texting or telling me about his sexy-time and dates with other men (this part hurts particularly). So he knows. If he’s choosing not to see it, I know he has good reasons for it and I am good enough a friend to know not to act on it. It’s cruel on my part to try and force something that shouldn’t happen.

And why should it happen? I don’t really have much to offer him. I’m not his type, I still live with my parents (which I attribute to the ridiculously high rents here in Lisbon) and am overall kind of an emotional mess. Tbh, I wouldn’t pick myself either. But that’s an issue for another day, it’ll get resolved eventually. By myself, not by piling it onto somebody or using a relationship to distract from it.

Also he met ‘the one’ already. Or what he says he’s afraid might have been the one. His last boyfriend, who we name ‘psychopath’, definitely earned his nickname. Physically and emotionally abusive, he left a scar. And Fer is smart enough not to get into a relationship this soon after said breakup, as there is still too much fresh baggage, ready to be thrown at the next man in.

And there are (many) candidates for the ‘next man’ position. He’s a fascinating man and they are immediately enthralled by him (here’s the pot calling the kettle black), so he does leave a string of broken hearts behind him.

I don’t like hearing him talk about this. I can see there is a hint of pain in his eyes when he jokingly says he’ll never find anyone and is fated to remain single his entire life, to which I jokingly retort he’ll never be alone, as he’ll have me. And this is the part that really hurts me – I am content. I am content with being the best friend and I’ll eventually have to deal with him finding someone else, and watching him be happy in a (hopefully) long-lasting relationship. And I’ll be there. The pathetic best friend story from the B-list storyline of Hermione and Ron from Harry Potter. I’d rather have an Elio and Oliver thing, as fleeting as it might be, over a lifetime of longing for something that will never be. I want nothing but the best for him, he deserves it. But… we could be happy together. We could have a life. And that realization kills me.

Then again, years haven’t passed. Time does cure all wounds. Maybe time will heal these feelings, some days they are stronger, somedays they are weaker. Some days I am sure I can call them love, others it’s something darker.

I have realized something, though – I should let myself feel them. It’s ok not to act on them, if I think that’s the best course of action. But I should not repress them. I do love him (how could I not?) and that’s okay. I felt pathetic for feeling them, at first. Especially the jealousy bit I always judged my friends for, that one is a particularly nasty feeling.

But hey, for someone who thought himself to be emotionally shipwrecked, the ship floats! I think that should be my takeaway from this. That’s a positive outlook, right?

And more than anything, I should be grateful to my best friend for showing me something new I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

So if you ever end up reading this, Fer, know that it’s true. Also sorry it’s in English! And sorry if it’s all too much. But I do love you, and will always be a part of your life, in whatever role you deem fit. Now I’ll close this, as it’s time to go on our daily Pokémon run.                                                                                                                                                                                               -João A. (Xanuda)

Link to Part 2 “I Wish I Hadn’t”: http://thirteenthspirit.tumblr.com/post/183770872439/i-wish-i-hadnt-part-ii

[i-am-a--lionheart]

~◇~ To all of us ~◇~ ◇~ Day 3 of sunorweek by @sildesalaten and @ryuokowolf - 'Family' ~◇ {my Lovely cosplay partners are @butterbu-t-t and @prunormis } ~ It was around 8pm as their ship came into the haven of Copenhagen - the City was cold and dark but certainly not quiet at all - It seemed as if the City would never Sleep at all. And Lukas remembered with a slight wince that he, too, had spend far too many sleepless nights here. The Norwegian hated the City, he hated its size, he hated its drive but he also loved it, he loved the colourful buildings and the Scent of the ocean lingering in its streets. Well, it kind of was the same for the man that was so connected to this City that was most likely his heart. Yes, Lukas still loved him dearly but he despised him all the same. And the cold metal around his ringfinger reminded him again that he did not belong the Dane at all. It relieved him on the one Hand but...to be with Mathias meant to be with Emil, his brother that he could only visit so little, his former Colony that they had robbed from him. Lukas could still kill the both of them for ripping them apart but then again he could not because they finally talked again to each other (like adults and without reaching for a gun although Berwald would Never come here without one). He also could not kill them because he still hadnt the strenght and because he loved them so much that it Hurt. Mostly he wished to forget everything, to ban every feeling from his heart because it made him worn out, because it hurt ihm like that. Sometimes, when he was full of sorrow, even Berwalds soft touch hurt like hell. And he was glad that today wasnt one of those days and that this Moment was not one of those when he would flinch when his partner tried to take his hand. The ship had reached one of the keels and Berwalds Hand was guiding him off the boat. The Swede did not talk - he barely did when they first arrived here and it often took one to tree bottles of beer to loosen up his tongue. Lukas would not talk that much either because he was too shaken with the sensation of being back here, because the chills that ran down his spine needed to be ignored. Lukas was stronger now and much more independent since he had left the Union with Mathias and everybody here should See that. Should see that despite being bound, he could be strong - and he would not stay in a union forever, no matter if he loved Berwald or not. "Are ya alright?", came Berwalds voice, still in swedish - he refused to speak anything else until he met Mathias and even when they were together, all three of them, he tended to talk Swedish with Lukas. Lukas always spoke Riksmål in those meetings because he did not like the sound of Swedish but he did not want to talk danish and French was Not at all familiar enough for the Three of them. "I can't forget.", answered Lukas, his voice weak nur steady as he responded to the light pressure of their intertwined hands. Berwald sighed softly, a very familiar sound. "I know.", the answer was short and a mere whisper - maybe because the both of them could see that a familiar face was approaching them. Mathias smiled because he always did - It was more of a habit than because of happiness, although he truly was happy to see them - he was nervous too, he always was, and anxious. To see the both of them together was, well, difficult to say the least. He could stand it - mostly because he knew that Lukas had become stronger and better under Berwalds Hand but then again it was Berwald and he still seethed because the Swede had ripped them apart and was the one to have it all and it was too much to bare but he had to keep calm. He always did during those meetings and the five of them that they had had during the last twenty years had always worked perfectly fine. Berwald did not like it, but sometimes it felt like he would truly miss the Smile that Mathias granted them. It reminded him of when they were Youngsters and when he had considered the Dane as his closest friend, his best ally...And he responded to it with a small, nearly invisible smile that faded just slightly as Mathias came closer. They Shook hands, as always and the oldest of them Greet them with a "Welcome to Copenhagen." He could literally see that Mathias was a bit shaken up, even more than last Time. Maybe the German States, especially Prussia, really wanted to harm Denmark. But Sweden could not help them, not with arms at least.. "Hej.", Berwald greeted After he had let go of his hand but he knew that Mathias was not focused on him - Not when Lukas was around at last. His king always said that he should talk alone with the Dane but Berwald always declined this order - Lukas was a Part of this Union just like he was and he wanted him to Take Part at Every important Meeting as long as he wanted to participate. When Mathias took his Hand it felt awfully formal but the Norwegian was thankful that he kept the distance between them. When they had first seen each other again, around 1830, Mathias had hugged him so forcefully that it had bruised him for days. Lukas' gaze was neutral but it held a small glimpse of feelings when he looked into those Sky blue eyes of his former partner without letting go of Berwalds Hand. The Swede was his Anchor, he would Not be able to Stay calm around Mathias without him. Because Mathias was a Danger although he had grown weaker during the last decades...and he was still like Fire and Lukas was attracted to all of it but Berwald kept him in Every way there was. "Hei Mathias.", he uttered while watching the Smile on his Face - a mere mask, Lukas could See it wavering but Mathias steadied himself, Let go of his hand and turned around. "I have reserved the same booth as always.", the Dane proclaimed. And his smile turned more honest as he heard Lukas' Deep Voice behind him. "I like it there." Berwald just nodded and it seemed like he would grab his hand just a little more thighly. The booth was truly Beautiful - It belonged to a small bar in the heart of the city, the people around here were simple but rather Quiet compared to the lower workers that used to visit the bars at the haven, near the fish market. The beer was even better and this was the Main reason for Mathias to even come to the Place that he called his 'resort'. Lukas had taken Place already, after finally letting go of Berwalds hand. He always sat in their middle - maybe because that was where he had always belonged to, maybe because he was the only one that would stay calm - nearly always at least - if they did not talk about Emil that was. Today they did not talk about Iceland, Mathias had more important Problems to discuss. And the more beer he drank, The better he could discuss. They talked about nearly everything, taxes, armys, how prussia threatened him and much more. Berwald was fierce with his goals just like he always was - but he seemed more Good willed than usual, especially when it came to the threat in the south. Normally he would Not Support him but if Prussia could take Denmark, what should Stop him then from attacking the Two of them afterwards? Plus they were still Brothers and although none of them could ever forget what Mathias had done to either of them, they did not want to abandone him. "We will support you. Could lower the Tax on Steel. Not on wood though...", Berwald offered After he had taken another sip of his beer and folded his arms. "Could reserve some finer Stones for ya also.", said Lukas, nearly softly. All Anger was forgotten for the moment and the alcohol had whiped away the neutral gaze and the strength and Emotion let his Deep blue eyes Shine in the dim candlelight and Berwald knew exactly why he loved this man. And as Mathias slowly raised his glass, the both of them did the same. " To all of us. To Scandinavia.", his voice was stronger now, fueled by warmth and alcohol. "To all of us."