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theteasetwrites · 3 years ago

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The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning

Chapter 42: Means To an End

❧ Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader ❧ Era: Season 6 ❧ Pronouns: she/her ❧ Warnings: violence, mild swearing, mentions of child abuse/neglect, character death, slightly steamy ❧ Word Count: 5.6k

❧ In This Chapter: The attack on the Saviors goes off without a hitch, for the most part, but there's trouble afoot when Daryl takes Denise on a run for medical supplies.

❧ A/N: More moral dilemmas—to kill or be killed? Of course, in this world, it's got to be kill. Reader has to come to terms with murder once again as the gang raids the Savior outpost, and Daryl has his own moral dilemma, as well. I also took the liberty of providing a bit more backstory for Daryl, which is mostly my own headcanons revolving around some bits that are canonically known about his origins. Might even do a flashback at some point if I get the chance.

Rick held a meeting at the church the day after negotiating with the Hilltop.

It was decided—Alexandria was going to lead a mission to infiltrate the Saviors’ compound and kill them all, including their leader, Negan.

There were a few dissenters, namely Morgan, who was a pacifist. He insisted that there must be some other way to deal with them that didn’t involve violence, but Rick and the majority of the people present at the meeting, including you, decided that violence was the only thing these people responded to.

If Jesus’ word was anything to go by, the Saviors didn’t listen, they just killed and plundered. To your surprise, even Aaron was on board with the plan. He said he didn’t want there to be any repeat of the incident with the Wolves, and you were inclined to agree with him

So, every able-bodied fighter who was willing to participate became involved in the plan. Even Bev was ready to help out if necessary. She had been training with you for a few weeks, and she was learning quickly, but you pulled Rick aside and asked him not to enlist her help. She was a little too confident in her fighting abilities, and this mission was going to be a challenging one.

Andy, the man whose arm Daryl injured at the Hilltop, was your main resource for mapping out the compound. He had been inside it just days earlier, so he knew his way around well enough to draw up a map. It was rudimentary, but your group could work with it. You’d worked with less.

The small group you assembled mostly consisted of the group you came to Alexandria with—Rick, Michonne, Sasha, Abraham, Rosita, Tara, Glenn, Maggie, Gabriel, Carol, Daryl, and yourself. Daryl, as usual, was not too excited about you coming with, but he didn’t stop you this time.

Jesus, Andy, Aaron, and Heath, one of Alexandria’s original supply runners, also came along. In total, there were fourteen of you taking on what Jesus had said might be about twenty at the most. The plan was to put them down in their sleep so they wouldn’t alert the others. To you, it seemed a little cowardly, but if it got your people fed, you weren’t going to complain about the strategy too much. It was the means to an end.

“This is how we eat,” Rick said to you all after he described the plan as you sat amongst the others in the middle of a deserted road not too far from the compound. It was your meeting place, and you were hoping you’d meet back there sooner rather than later.

To get in, Andy would approach the guards and present them with Gregory’s “head” (Glenn and Heath had chopped off a few walker heads that looked similar enough to Gregory’s to present to them instead). Then, they would release the Hilltop’s man, Craig. Just after that, you’d take out the guards and begin the killing inside, with the armory as your final destination. If you were going to wipe out a whole settlement, you might as well take their guns, too, Rick figured.

It was a solid plan. You didn’t like killing. In fact, you hated it, but it was like your father used to tell you—life is a series of doing things you don’t want to do, but have to. The older you got, the more that seemed to ring true. If Alexandria was going to survive, you needed the help of the Hilltop. If the Hilltop was going to survive, you needed to take out the Saviors.

It was simple. You understood it, what needed to be done and why. One thing you couldn’t quite understand, though, was why Maggie had come with you. She was almost a month pregnant by now, and it gave you major secondhand anxiety.

“Hey,” you said to her, approaching her slowly so as not to spook her as she loaded her gun. You sat next to her on the grass on the side of the road. Everyone was gearing up, and you had already done so, your automatic rifle, your handguns, your knife, and your axe weighing you down sufficiently by now. “How are you feeling?”

She looked at you curiously, then scoffed. “I’m pregnant, (Y/N),” she said, “not dying.”

You smiled. “I know, I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”

She laughed and shook her head. “You worry about everyone except yourself. Besides, I’m fine. Just gonna watch the perimeter, that’s all.”

“Alone?”

She sighed. “Yes, (Y/N). Alone.” She set her gun on her lap and rested a hand on your shoulder. “Hey, I’ll be safer than you out there. You’re the one who’s gotta be careful.”

You nodded. “You think this is a good idea?” you asked after a long pause.

She shrugged. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but it’s the one we got.”

Daryl had essentially come up with the idea, Maggie proposed it to Gregory, and Rick organized the entire plan. Others, including yourself, also helped, but those three did a lot of the heavy lifting.

“Just… doesn’t seem right to kill someone when they’re sleeping, you know? Even if they’re bad people… But I guess that’s just the way it has to be.”

Maggie nodded. “It’s like Rick said—we gotta get to them before they get to us. Besides, we’re doin’ this for the little ones, right?”

“You mean for your baby?”

She nodded. “Yeah, and the kids at home, and your baby.”

You shook your head with a laugh. “So much for having our babies at the same time.”

You and Maggie had an ongoing hypothetical conversation in which the two of you would plan on conceiving, being pregnant, and giving birth around the same time. You both presupposed that your children would be best friends with each other and would see each other almost as siblings. After all, you saw Glenn and Maggie as the younger brother and sister you never had, so it didn’t seem too far off.

“Ain’t too late,” Maggie said. “When this is over, you and Daryl can get down to business.”

You sighed. “I don’t think it’s going to happen for a while. He’s worried about it not being safe or secure enough.”

“When we kill these Saviors,” she said seriously, “and start that trade with the Hilltop, it will be safe. I promise you.”

It wasn’t something Maggie could promise, but you believed her. Maybe it was that sweet southern accent that always charmed you, or the fact that she was your best friend. Either way, you were doing this for that promise of safety and peace, for a world where you could raise a child with the man you loved.

By the time night fell and the area had been scoped out, you all had your positions.

When the two guards finished accepting Gregory’s head from Andy, Daryl slit one guard’s throat and stabbed him through the head so he wouldn’t turn.

The other guard came back out to return Craig to Andy, but he was quickly disposed of by Michonne. When his body fell to the ground, you took the distinct displeasure of axing him in the head.

In the quietest attack your group had committed to date, you all entered the building like church mice, your guns held high and ready to shoot.

It truly felt like you were some kind of soldier raiding enemy territory, considering the heavy artillery you were wielding.

“Check the doors,” Rick whispered as you all filled the hallway. “Find the arsenal. We take them out.”

You split up with Aaron and Rosita. Though Daryl preferred you to stay by his side, if there was anyone else he trusted to keep you safe, it was Aaron.

Turning down another hall, you gestured to the first door and slowly pushed the door open with an ever so slight creak. Tiptoeing into the small, dark room, you and Aaron each silently decided to take one of the two men sleeping in cots on either side of the room.

Upon further inspection, you noticed yours was actually a woman, who appeared to be about your age. You had your knife raised, and pointed down directly at the woman’s eye socket, but you just stood there shivering, the faint reflection of the light from the hallway where Rosita was keeping watch flickering softly with each jitter of your nervous body.

Peeling your eyes from her face, you looked up on the wall beside her bed to see a framed photograph of the woman and a man on their wedding day.

They were smiling, of course they were smiling. It was the happiest day of her life, you were willing to bet. Who wouldn’t be happy promising yourself to the person you loved most in the world? That was how you felt on your wedding day, so why wouldn’t she?

Looking down again, you noticed the band on her finger as she breathed softly in a deep sleep, her hand resting on her chest and moving slowly with her diaphragm.

You couldn’t even hear the squelching from Aaron’s kill before he was standing next to you again. His presence caught your attention, and you looked at him with wide eyes.

You shook your head, tears threatening to well up in your glassy eyes at any moment. Gently, Aaron pushed you aside so he could do the job himself. You turned yourself around and incidentally witnessed the body of the man in the other cot. His face was soaked in blood from the puncture wound where Aaron stabbed him, but you hoped he at least had a peaceful expression on his face.

Maybe you were a bad person. You didn’t know anymore. The line became blurrier and blurrier with every moral dilemma that bombarded you practically everyday since the beginning.

Maybe your group were the bad guys, the villains of this story. You never thought you were before, but what you were doing now… what you had to do just to stay alive… It seemed like the kind of thing only psychopaths would do.

“It’s done,” Aaron whispered to you from behind your back. He rested a hand on your shoulder. “Come on.”

It wasn’t done. You, Rosita, and Aaron took turns rotating between a few more rooms, with one of you always standing watch in the hallway. You did kill one man, and that was enough to get your mind flooded with questions that had no answers, and images that would stay with you long after the blood dried.

Just after you and Rosita finished putting down the two men in that room, a fire alarm rang out from nearby.

The three of you began running back down the corridor and through a few more winding hallways until you spotted a few Saviors. Aaron pulled you into a room, and Rosita split up from the both of you.

As footsteps approached, you and Aaron huddled together behind the door, your guns ready to fire if anyone should come in.

The danger, however, was inside.

Before you could completely turn around to face the presence you felt, a large man came barreling towards the two of you with a beer bottle in his hands.

Jumping out of the way, he smashed the bottle into the door, then swung around to clock you in the face, so hard you fell to the ground with a thud.

The man was about to turn to take out Aaron next, but he was quick to stab him in the chest.

When the man fell down dead, Aaron lunged over his body to pick you up by your arms.

“You all right?” he asked, inspecting the bloody nose and the black eye already beginning to form.

You nodded quickly, still a little out of it if you were being honest, but ready to get the hell out of there. “Let’s go.”

The place was like a warzone now. Bullets were flying off at every turn, but you and Aaron found a path through them, all the while shooting constantly at the blurred figures you didn’t recognize.

The two of you winded through the halls, taking out several Saviors and nearly losing your hearing from the sound of the automatic weapon in your hands.

After a while of breaking down doors and killing more people than you ever had at one time, you met up with your group inside the compound.

Daryl immediately was by your side and taking your bruised face in his hands, the blood from your nose now dried and crusted. Daryl looked over at Aaron. “What the hell happened?” he asked, equal parts concern and irrational anger at Aaron in his voice.

“Got decked in the face by one of ‘em,” you said. “I’m fine.”

Daryl nodded and calmed himself down a bit. “Let’s get you home.”

Your group finally emerged from the back exit of the now empty compound. It was light out now, about seven in the morning by your estimate.

The raid was a success, but no one was happy. Your group solemnly sent off Tara and Heath on a two-week supply run, and the rest of you planned on heading back home.

Before you could leave, the nearby roaring of an engine startled all of you.

From another exit of the compound, a lone Savior came barreling out on the back of a familiar motorcycle, with mismatched parts and the loud buzzing noise you only knew to be Daryl’s Frankenstein bike.

“Son of a bitch!” Daryl yelled before running the fastest you’d ever seen him towards the bike, tackling the man after he was shot off of the speeding death machine by Rosita.

He wasn’t dead, though.

Daryl delivered a few brutal blows to the man’s face. “Where’d ya get the bike?” he yelled.

Rick pointed his handgun at the man and cocked it.

“Just do it!” the Savior yelled to him. “Like you did everyone else, right?”

You huffed as you watched the man squirm from underneath Daryl, his face bloody to a pulp from the beating.

Before you could ponder on another moral dilemma, an unfamiliar voice came from Rick’s walkie. “Lower your gun, prick.”

It was a woman, who soon revealed she had Carol and Maggie in her possession, and that she wouldn’t hesitate to kill them.

After a while of searching, you all did eventually find Carol and Maggie that day. You were relieved to see that they were all right, though they seemed frazzled by their confrontation with the Saviors. It was only further proof that they were, in fact, bad people.

Still, you couldn’t shake this feeling that they saw you as the bad guys. Who was right? There was no way of knowing. Morality, as you saw it, was subjective. One’s idea of what was right and wrong might not entirely align with another’s. This was a truth you found evident in life before the apocalypse, but it only became more accurate afterwards.

It didn’t matter now.

It was over, as far as you knew. Sure, maybe there were more Saviors. Daryl seemed to think so. That man he ran into who stole his bike, he might’ve been involved with the Saviors. How else would his bike have gotten there? Either it was stolen, or he put it there.

As far as Daryl knew, “D”, as the man was called, was still alive.

Nevertheless, the next week was spent in relative peace.

There was plenty of food thanks to the trade with the Hilltop, and everyone seemed a little less on edge knowing that the deed was done.

Still, you found yourself staying inside whenever you weren’t needed at your class or elsewhere. Daryl didn’t seem to mind since he spent a lot of his free time in the garage, and when you were home he could keep his eye on you, but it was starting to concern him.

“Hey,” he said to you as he came in from the garage. You were sitting on the sofa reading a book about cows you had picked up on a run. You figured you were going to have a cow from Hilltop as soon as the barn was built, so it made sense to read up on them. “You still readin’ about cows?”

He sat down on the couch next to you, his body weight sinking onto the cushion with a soft thud. You eyed him as he wiped his greasy hands on his red rag, and you made sure he threw it on the wood floor instead of the couch like you’d asked. He did.

You had pretty much successfully domesticated Daryl Dixon. Well, you thought, until he put his feet up on the coffee table.

“It’s important,” you sighed. “When we get some livestock going, it’ll be good to know a thing or two about them.”

Daryl nodded as he bit his lip, trying to figure out what to say to you about his concern. “You ain’t gone out much lately,” he said. “Thought you and Carol were supposed to bake cookies or somethin’.”

You looked up from your book. “I had to cancel. I just wasn’t feeling up to it.”

“You okay?”

You nodded and returned your gaze back to your book. “Mhm.”

You were okay… kind of. You couldn’t stop thinking about the people you killed in cold blood, but other than that you were peachy.

Daryl leaned closer to you until he pulled the book down and away from your face, setting it on the side table. “Known ya long enough to know when somethin’s botherin’ ya. What is it?”

You sighed and looked down at your feet. You didn’t want to tell anybody because it seemed so silly. How could you feel guilty about killing bad people you didn’t even know? It was a good question, and you didn’t know entirely why.

“It’s stupid,” you said.

Daryl scoffed. “Shut up and tell me what’s wrong.”

He wasn’t always very eloquent, but he could get to the point.

“It’s just… back at the base, where we killed the Saviors… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”

Daryl nodded. He had a feeling that was what was troubling you. He knew you too well to not know. “Ain’t stupid. I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout it too. We all have.”

You closed your eyes and sighed. “There—there was this woman. I was about to… to do it, but she had this photograph. It was from her wedding day. Then I saw the ring, and I couldn’t do it. I just kept thinking… about that happening to one of us. She wasn’t any different from you or me.”

You looked down at your feet in shame. “Do… do you think I’m weak?” you asked sincerely, still not able to face him.

Daryl shook his head. “Nah, you’ve never been weak,” he said. He took a hold of your hand and squeezed it tight, then lifted your chin with his other hand so you could face him. “You ain’t weak,” he repeated, this time more sternly. “You’re strong. You… feel things. That’s your strength.”

Your lips quivered at his words. “That’s just a nice way of saying I’m a crybaby, right?”

Daryl smirked, but quickly shook his head and turned serious again. He wasn’t going to let you kid your way out of this one. “It’s true. Takes a lotta balls to be like that nowadays. Just can’t let it keep you from doin’ what you need to do. Those saviors, they needed to be taken out. You know what they can do—you heard Jesus, and Carol and Maggie… Negan wanted Gregory’s head for Christ’s sake. They ain’t worth feelin’ guilty over.”

You sniffled a little and nodded your head. “I know… and now we have more food, and we’ll have a cow soon.”

Daryl moved his hand from your chin to your cheek and caressed it delicately with his calloused thumb. “Yeah,” he said. “Just gotta get my crossbow back from that prick and then we’re set.”

You laughed. “Hey, at least you got your bike back.”

Daryl scoffed. “Yeah, douchebag didn’t even know how to ride it right.”

You rolled your eyes. “There’s a proper way to ride a motorcycle?”

“Course,” he replied. “Least, my motorcycle.”

You tossed your arms around his neck. “We’ll find you a new crossbow, honeybear.”

Daryl raised an eyebrow. “Honeybear?” He repeated the sickly sweet word with his usual gruffness.

“I’m workshopping new pet names,” you said. “How do you feel about cupcake… or stud muffin?”

Daryl shook his head rapidly. “No, no way. I’m drawin’ the line.”

You pulled him in closer to you and gave him your big doe eyes he couldn’t ever resist. “Oh, come on, snuggle bug.”

You knew you were teasing him, probably annoying him, but you just couldn’t help it. You loved the look on his face when you called him such obnoxious things. It was somewhere between rage and utter adoration.

You couldn’t admire his face for too long after the last nickname, though. Before you knew it, he was pinning you down on the couch and tickling you senseless. “Ah!” you yelled, your voice cracking with laughter. “Daryl, no! No, please, mercy!”

“You were askin’ for it,” he said, continuing to trail his fingers all over your ticklish areas, including your stomach and your underarms. Soon he was even lifting your shirt to blow a raspberry on your belly button.

“Ah!” you cried in shock at the feeling. “You’re crazy!” You laughed until you started hiccuping, but Daryl stopped you short when he plunged his lips onto yours and sucked on your mouth passionately.

His tickling died down and soon he had one hand tangled in your hair and the other massaging your breast. You moaned into his kiss at the feeling, the tingling of his deft hands plucking at your clothed nipple like it was a violin string.

He growled when you delicately trailed your hand down his back to land on his ass, where you squeezed it demandingly. You put so much pressure onto it that you began to feel his hip bones digging into yours. “You want somethin’, baby girl?”

You nodded, your nose nudging against his all the while. “You.”

If there was one thing that could get you to forget about your worries, at least for a while, it was Daryl… and especially sex with Daryl.

By morning, the evening was a blur. As usual, Daryl woke up before you. In a haze, you felt him kiss your cheek before heading downstairs to the garage to work on his bike. He’d been doting on it like it was his own child for the past week.

When you woke, you remembered that you promised to train Bev in self-defense that morning. Though you still weren’t feeling terribly social, you couldn’t bring yourself to cancel on yet another friend.

You met her by the lake as usual. She also attended Rosita’s self-defense classes, but she took your personal lessons as, in her own words, a “supplemental course.”

“Hey,” she said, waving to you enthusiastically. “I was almost worried you weren’t going to make it. Carol said you weren’t feeling good yesterday.”

“Yeah,” you sighed. “I feel okay today, though. Plus I gotta teach you how to get out of a choke hold.”

After stretching and a few rounds of gossiping, you did just that. You showed her a few different techniques for different situations. Starting with a side choke hold, you showed her how to stun the attacker by punching him in the gut or the groin (you preferred the latter technique). Then, you instructed her to pull the attacker’s head back and expose his stomach to begin punching him there until the wind was knocked out of him and push him away, allowing time to escape.

“How the hell did you learn how to do that?” Bev asked you, out of breath from the demonstration.

You panted as you held your hands on your hips. “Daryl taught me a while back,” you said. “He taught me everything I’ve shown you, actually.”

Bev’s eyes widened. You had taught her a lot, and a lot of it were very niche fighting techniques one would only have to know in very specific situations. “How’d he learn them?”

You shrugged. You knew how. He often told you stories from his past which illuminated his fighting experience. In his childhood and teenage years, he had gotten into schoolyard fights and confrontations with bullies. In his twenties, he was involved in several bar fights and drunken brawls at concerts. In his thirties, he often had to defend his brother when his drug deals went awry, and he gained even more skill when the world turned.

At some point, he even had to fight his own father. That was when he was older and knew he could fight back. He left him beaten and battered, a drunken, pathetic mess cowering on the floor of his childhood home in rural North Georgia. The man absolutely deserved it—he almost hit Daryl over the head with a beer bottle, not to mention everything he had done to him before that day.

Will Dixon was his name. You hadn’t even met him, but you hated him for how he hurt Daryl. From what you gathered, the abuse began when Daryl was a very young child, just after his mother, Sally Dixon, passed away. Merle was abused, too, but he benefitted on account of being older and able to escape the home sooner than Daryl.

In any case, self-defense and survival instincts were ingrained in the Dixon bloodline, albeit under rather unfortunate circumstances.

You couldn’t tell all that to Bev, though. It took Daryl long enough to open up to you about his past, and you were the person he trusted most in the world.

“He used to take self-defense classes,” you lied. It wasn’t a particularly creative lie, but it was a lie nonetheless. You considered Bev a friend, and you hated lying to friends, but it was better than revealing something to her that Daryl didn’t want most people to know. “Mixed martial arts and things like that too.”

Bev nodded. “Smart. My dad always wanted me to take those, never got around to it though. What did Daryl do before all this, anyway?”

Oh no.

This was why you hardly ever brought up Daryl around the Alexandrians—they were always so curious about him. He had been trying hard lately to be more friendly to them, but Daryl’s definition of “friendly” was making eye contact and engaging in idle small talk, which he wasn’t the most skilled at.

“He… was a mechanic.” Another lie. Though he did work on cars freelance, he never held the actual title of mechanic. “Worked on cars and stuff.”

“Oh, that makes sense. He’s always fiddling with that bike and fixing up the cars.”

You nodded. “Yep, that’s Daryl.”

“What about me?” Daryl’s guttural voice came out from behind you, nearly making you jump as he appeared simply out of nowhere. Even Bev, who was already facing him, didn’t see or hear him. He was the sneakiest son of a bitch you ever met.

You turned around to face him. “Oh, um… I was just telling Bev about how you know how to work with bikes and things like that.”

Perfect medium.

You were getting better at this whole lying thing. You preferred to call it “enhancing the truth,” though.

Daryl nodded awkwardly, trying to give Bev eye contact all the while. She smiled at him, though you could tell he kind of terrified her. “I can’t even change a tire,” she joked awkwardly.

You laughed nervously. “Me neither,” you said.

Daryl scoffed. It was his attempt at laughter. “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Hey, can I talk to ya, (Y/N)?”

Bev quickly took the hint. “I’m gonna go get some water from my house. I’ll be right back.”

You nodded in acknowledgement before she jogged across the street to her brownstone. You turned your attention back to Daryl. “What’s up?”

“Denise’s got me doin’ a run to this pharmacy,” he said.

You sighed. You hated when he went out. “You’re going with someone, right?”

Daryl nodded. “Rosita… and Denise.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Does she know how to fight?”

“No,” he said. “But she refuses to stay here. Said she’d go on her own if we didn’t agree to go with her.”

“Well, how long will you be gone?”

Daryl shrugged. “Not long. It’s pretty close and we got a truck. Be back before dark.”

You nodded, a little relieved that he wouldn’t spend a night outside the walls. “Okay, just be safe, all right?”

Daryl nodded. “I know,” he said. “You always tell me.”

You cupped his face in your hands and pressed a short kiss to his lips. “Because I don’t want you to forget.”

An exchange of “I love you’s” and Daryl was gone. Bev came back a few minutes after he left, being sure to give the two of you ample time to talk.

“Everything good?” she asked.

“Mhm,” you responded. “He’s just going out on a quick run with Rosita and Denise. Medical supplies.”

Bev could hear the worry in your voice. She rested a hand on your shoulder. “He’ll be fine,” she said. “He’s a tough cookie.” You laughed at the phrase. “Tougher than Eugene, that’s for sure.”

That was right—Eugene had gone out with Abraham earlier, too.

It didn’t take you long after meeting Bev to figure out that she had a thing for Eugene. It was surprising; Eugene seemed to have a thing for every other woman, namely Rosita.

“Eugene will be fine, too,” you assured her. “I mean, he’s with Abraham.” Eugene wasn’t a fighter, not in the slightest, but Abraham was. “You tell him how you feel yet?”

Bev sighed. “No, not yet. I’m too nervous. I’ve barely even spoken to him, anyway.”

“It’s like ripping off a bandaid,” you said. “Just gotta get it over with. You can’t keep fawning over him. Who knows, maybe he feels the same. But if you're looking for advice, I'd say getting a little drunk is your best bet. Gets you a little more... confident.”

She sighed. “I don’t know…”

“Tell you what,” you began, “when he comes back, you are going to tell him the minute you next see him.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Or what?”

You smiled. “Or I’ll put you in a choke hold myself.”

Eugene did come back later that day, along with Abraham, Rosita, and Daryl.

However, Bev didn’t get the chance to reveal her crush to him as he had been grazed with a bullet and was immediately rushed to the infirmary by Daryl and Abraham.

As he waited outside the infirmary, you ran up to him and hugged him as you usually did when he came back. “Thank God you’re okay,” you said, resting your chin on his shoulder.

When you noticed he wasn’t hugging you back, you pulled away. Immediately, you saw the shame in his face. “What happened?”

He lowered his head and you swore you heard him sniffle. He didn’t have to say anything as you put two and two together. Denise didn’t come in through the gates with them.

She was gone.

Dead, to be precise.

“The arrow,” Daryl said in a low voice as he sat on your sofa looking down at the steaming cup of chamomile tea you had made for him, “just… went right through her eye. That son of a bitch, the one who took my bow, he did it.” He looked at you seriously. “Think he’s one of ‘em.”

You knew what he meant, but you didn’t want to believe it. “Who?”

“The Saviors,” he said. “They tried to take our shit, tried to get us to take them back here and take more.”

That was, indeed, the M.O. of the Saviors.

You swallowed hard. “They won’t find us,” you said, trying to convince yourself just as much as Daryl.

He shook his head. “Shoulda killed that prick when I had the chance. I let him go… felt bad for him.” Daryl scoffed at the idea. “I was weak.”

“It’s like you said—feeling is a strength. Just because you felt bad for him doesn’t mean you’re weak. There was no way you could have known what he was.”

Daryl nodded, though you knew he still blamed himself. No matter how many times you told him not to look back at what he could’ve or should’ve done, he always did.

“I’m gonna find him,” he said. “Gonna kill him for what he did.”

You stroked your hair with the hand that wasn’t holding your own cup of tea. “You will,” you said. “But don’t kill yourself trying to do it.”

Things were becoming complicated.

If Daryl was right about Dwight, as D was also known as, there were more Saviors than you all had initially thought.

In any case, everyone in Alexandria was beginning to gear up to fight if need be. Word traveled fast about Daryl’s run-in with Dwight and his men. Weapons were distributed that day, and more and more people were signing up for Rosita’s training.

Whoever Dwight was, he was a threat. It was pretty clear that he was most likely working with the Saviors, but they hadn’t found Alexandria yet, and that was a relief to you all.

The means, it seemed, hadn’t reached an end at all.

There was fear in the air, and a quiet that seemed all too quiet, as if something imminent was threatening to break it.

Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs of any kind are always appreciated!

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#daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon fanfic #daryl dixon #the walking dead #the walking dead fanfic #twd #twd fanfic #the beginning series

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princesssarisa · 3 years ago

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How "Cinderella Monogatari" Could Have Been Better

I've just finished watching the 1996 anime series Cinderella Monogatari ("The Story of Cinderella"). I'll share my overall thoughts on it later, after I've overviewed a few other versions of the fairy tale. But for now, I'll say that I liked it very much. That said, it does have its flaws. Below are the handful of changes I would make to improve it.

1. Have Cinderella's father be presumed dead through most of the series.

It's awkward to have Cinderella's father still be alive, and not a weak henpecked husband, but merely away on business. Why would Duchess Dalbin so extensively abuse and degrade her stepdaughter knowing that the girl's devoted father will eventually come back? I would have preferred for the Duke to leave on his business trip, and then, a few weeks later, have the family receive the news that his ship was wrecked in a storm and that he's missing and presumably drowned. Only at this point would the Duchess start to abuse Cinderella. This could also add a layer of depth to the Duchess's character. She could be portrayed as genuinely in love with her husband and distraught by his "death," and afterwards she would exclude Cinderella from the family because Cinderella reminds her too much of him, similar to what the 1997 version of the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical implies. But in the final episode, the Duke would come back and reveal that he survived after all: he's just taken this long to recover from his injuries and find a ship home. So we'd still have the blissful family reunion the actual series gives us, but with even more emotional weight.

2. Give Duke Zaral consistent motivation.

I like the series' addition of a "Greater Scope Villain" (to quote TVTropes) in Duke Zaral. But at least in the English dub, his motive seems to change completely at random from "Marry his daughter Isabel to Prince Charles and become the real power behind the throne" to "Murder Charles and force his parents to surrender the kingdom." This could be easily solved, though. Simply place the episode "The Disturbing Painter" (his first real attempt to kill Charles, when he tries to have his portrait painted by an artist who traps his subjects' souls in the painting) after the episode "Traveling Toward Happiness" (where his daughter Isabel runs away with her true love) instead of before. Since the series makes it clear that Zaral really does love his daughter, it would make much more sense for his murderous turn to be caused by losing her, especially if he found out that Charles had helped her elope. To quote TVTropes again, it would be his Villainous Breakdown, and it would give him a real character arc.

3. Cut the episode "Prince Charles's Secret," where Cinderella and her stepsisters are forced to work as maids in the castle.

While of course it's funny to see the stepsisters forced to do the same chores they usually heap on Cinderella, the context is ridiculous. If a wealthy duke like Zaral wants maidservants to spy on Prince Charles, why doesn't he just pay real working-class girls to do it? Why on earth would he insult a family of his own social class by tricking a duchess's daughters into visiting the castle only to have them forced into servitude? And afterwards, why does no one ever mention it again? Realistically, wouldn't a trick like that cause a scandal? The whole scenario is contrived and would be better off cut.

4. Make Cinderella less of a damsel in distress.

Now there's no shame in a heroine not being a fighter or needing to be rescued. But it's still a tiny bit tedious to see Cinderella repeatedly being captured or endangered and Charles repeatedly being the strong one who rescues her. Even after he teaches her how to swordfight in "Lets Get Rid of Those Bandits," she never uses the skills she learned in that episode again, particularly not in the finale when she's captured by Zaral. I say remove Charles from some of the episodes where she's endangered and have her rescue herself instead. Have her use the fencing skills Charles taught her throughout the rest of the series, particularly when she's kidnapped in the finale. Not that she needs to use a sword, but at least she could defend herself with a stick or some other improvised weapon. In the climactic battle with Zaral on the clock tower, I'd have Cinderella and Charles fighting him together rather than just Charles. Again, I'm not saying there's any shame in being a damsel in destress, but it would be more interesting to see Cinderella defend herself at least a little bit more.

5. Have the stepfamily rip Cinderella's dress before the ball, as in the Disney version.

The scene where they rip up her invitation to the ball is already a blatant knockoff of the Disney dress-ripping scene, but without the same power. So why not take the imitation all the way and have them rip her dress as well as the invitation? This would also enhance the next scene where Fairy Godmother Paulette works her magic. In the actual series, the fact that Cinderella is already wearing a fancy gown and Paulette's magic just brings its style more up-to-date is slightly underwhelming. We lose the sheer magic of the dress transformation that other versions of Cinderella have. If her dress were in tatters, this would be rectified.

6. Don't have Charles fall in love with the "mystery girl."

Cinderella retellings that give Cinderella and the Prince most of their romance arc before the ball always have a dilemma: what to do with the plot point of the Prince not knowing his beloved's name or where to find her after the ball? Some versions have found good solutions; this one is mediocre. After his series-long slow-burn romance arc with Cinderella, it's awkward to see Charles become enamored in one night with the girl at the ball, whom he doesn't know is Cinderella. Even if it is just because she "reminds him" of Cinderella, whom he thinks will never speak to him again because he lied about his identity, it still seems ever-so-slightly fickle. I'd prefer to have him only regard her as a friend with whom he can confide about Cinderella. Then, after the ball, instead of being depressed about her disappearance, he'd be depressed because Cinderella "never showed up" even though he invited her. But Alex and Hans would mistakenly think he was moping over the mystery girl and set out to use the glass slipper to find her.

7. Give the stepfamily a gradual redemption arc.

Maybe this is what the series was trying to go for, because there are assorted episodes where Cinderella does especially valuable things for her stepfamily (saving Jeanne's life when they're lost in the woods, learning to swordfight and guarding the house against the bandits, risking her life to find healing herbs for her dangerously ill stepmother, etc.) and momentarily earns their respect. But in every new episode, they're back to abusing her. So in the last episode, it feels very abrupt when they start being nice to her after she's betrothed to Prince Charles. If it were played for laughs like in the 1957 version of the Rodgers and Hammertein musical, and they were clearly only sucking up to her because she was the princess-to-be, it would feel less awkward, but it's not played for laughs. It feels as if we're supposed to see it as a genuine, heartfelt family reconciliation, which is completely unearned. And then when Cinderella's father the Duke comes home, they all reunite as one big happy family and the Duke never even learns that his wife and stepdaughters abused his daughter while he was away!

My solution? Put much more emphasis on Cinderella's gradually earning her stepfamily's respect over the course of the series. Don't have them forget the great things she does for them; have call-backs to the fact that she saved their lives, risked her own safety for them etc. Show them increasingly torn between their jealousy of her and their growing respect and gratitude toward her. While they would still have a final "Kick the Dog" moment by tearing up her mother's dress and her invitation to the ball, I'd show them feeling very guilty as they ride away in their carriage afterward. Maybe Jeanne could ask Catherine if what they did was right, and Catherine would reply that they had no choice, Cinderella looked too pretty, the Prince would have ignored them if he had seen her, etc.; but clearly she wouldn't be so sure. Then, after Cinderella reunites with Prince Charles, there could be a scene similar to the opera La Cenerentola, where Charles would publicly berate the Duchess and her daughters for their treatment of Cinderella and threaten to punish them somehow, only for Cinderella to declare that she forgives them and beg her fiancé to pardon them. This would move them to tears and they would finally, profusely apologize to her for all they had done. And when the Duke comes home, Cinderella's choice not to tell him about their abuse could be emphasized as her way of showing faith in their repentance and giving them a second chance.

I realize that all this would probably take up more than just a few minutes of the final episode. So because we've already cut the earlier episode where the stepsisters work as maids at the palace, I suggest we add a new Episode 23, in-between the actual series' second-to-last and final episodes. This entire episode would take place between the slipper-fitting and the royal wedding, and it would open with her reunion with Charles and end with her reunion with her father. Everything in between would be devoted to her reconciliation with the stepfamily. This would be a much more believable, satisfactory conclusion for them than what the actual series gives us.

It's a good series, but with these changes, in my personal opinion, it would be even stronger.

#anime #cinderella monogatari #fairy tale #cinderella #the story of cinderella #animated series #my opinion #how it could be better #rewriting

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sou-ver-2-0 · 4 years ago

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Sou Hiyori and Kanna’s Sister Parallels

In my short time in the Your Turn to Die fandom, I haven't seen anyone discuss the similarities between our Sou Hiyori and Kanna's older sister Kugie. This subtle parallel is one of the many fantastic writing details in this game, and it happens to be my favorite one. So I wanted to talk about it!

I love the irony that the characters in YTTD draw a more obvious parallel between Kugie Kizuchi and the game's protagonist, Sara Chidouin. Both Sara and Kugie are high-school aged girls, and Sara often plays the part of Kanna's big sister, leading Kanna to project her feelings for Kugie onto Sara. Although this is sweet, it's still a superficial parallel. Sara and Kugie play the same role, but how similar are they really? If you choose to chat with Kanna on the first day of Chapter 2's storyline, Kanna will tell you the truth about her adoptive sister. Instead of idealizing her, Kanna paints a more complex picture of a flawed young woman. Unlike Sara, Kugie bullied Kanna when they first met. It took time for the pair of them to feel like real siblings. On a deeper level, Kugie's own mini-character arc is very different from Sara's arc, but it perfectly mirrors Sou's arc!

Both Kugie and Sou have a cruel streak and they each make rash judgments about other people. However, they eventually reveal with their actions that they truly love Kanna deep down. While Sara can make the choice to abandon Kanna, both Kugie and Sou would die for the girl. Because of the striking parallels I see between Kanna's memories of Kugie and Kanna's present relationship with Sou, I want to believe that Kugie was just as willing as Sou was to die in order to save Kanna's life. Kugie's story effectively acts as a microcosm of Sou's story. So let's take a close look at it.

KANNA: ...Sara... / You're just like... my sister.

SARA: Huh...?

KANNA: Your strength... and your kindness... / ... / But my sister... / Wasn't always kind from the moment we met.

SARA: (The moment they met...?)

If you speak to Kanna during negotiation time on Day 1 of Chapter 2, the girl begins her story by telling Sara that she's just like her sister, since Sara shares Kugie's "strength and kindness." However, she admits that her sister "wasn't always kind from the moment we met." This is the first major difference between the two girls, and it's what clued me into the idea that Kugie's story might be a metaphor for Sou's story instead. It's also an early moment in which Kanna reveals that she's not as naive as people think she is. She's aware that Kugie was flawed, just like she's aware of Sou's flaws. She keeps choosing to believe in their capacity for good, even as she understands that they are capable of hurting her.

Following this revelation, we come to a notable choice.

1. CHOICE: You aren't blood-related?

SARA: ...Kanna. Are you and your sister not blood-related...?

KANNA: ...Right...

2. CHOICE: Guess I win

SARA: I was nice from the start, so guess I win.

KANNA: Ah... Even the way you say weird things like that is just like my sister...

SARA: (Strangely, that just got her more emotional...)

Sara can either ask "You aren't blood-related?" or smugly observe "Guess I win." Either way, Kanna will steer the conversation back to her adoption by the Kizuchi family. But the choice to declare "victory" over Kugie here fascinates me, since it's easy to connect this competitive sentiment to Sara's relationship with Sou. While Sara and Sou are obviously in a competition for their lives, what ends up mattering more is their competition for Kanna's affections. In both cases, Sou is painfully aware that he's the underdog with "zero percent chance of success." Sou is sure that Kanna would choose Sara's life over his life, if she were forced to make that awful choice.

For Sou, who believes that Kanna loves him less, his moral dilemma is whether to support Kanna in spite of this. The fact that he supports her unconditionally in the second Main Game speaks to his strength of character. He proves that he truly values Kanna more than his own life. For Sara, who already feels comfortable in the "victory" of Kanna's devotion, the moral question becomes whether the player will make choices that are worthy of the girl. Will you help Sou protect her? Or will you decide that Kanna's life is worth less than Sou's hacking skills? Sara's choice determines whether she truly shares Kugie's "strength and kindness."

I'll come back to Kanna's feelings on this "competition" later. For now it's enough to say that she recognizes that competitive streak in Kugie too, and that memory makes her "emotional." It shows how she loves these three characters even when they say "weird things." Again, Kanna is aware of Sara, Kugie, and Sou's flaws but still feels affection for them. That's just how it is when you love someone.

Kanna continues her story:

KANNA: ...See, Kanna's adopted.

SARA: ...!

KANNA: She came to her current family from an orphanage when she was little...

SARA: So you had different parents, too?

KANNA: Mom and dad were really kind... / Kanna... was determined to always smile, childishly thinking "I can't trouble them." / ...And Kanna's sister didn't seem to like her...

Here, Kanna reveals that she has always had the type of personality where she tries hard to please others. She was worried about being a burden long before the Death Game, but for a more ordinary reason; she's adopted. She's always been self-conscious. Her ongoing heartbreak and anxiety comes from a deep place of worrying that her big sister doesn't love her. This informs her current relationships with both Sara and Sou.

At this point, the narrative shifts to a flashback of Kanna's memories.

MOM: Stop it, Kugie! Why do you do such cruel things?!

KANNA: No, it's fine! Kanna's not angry... She's not, really... / Look, see! Ahaha... Ehehehehe...

KUGIE: ...What're you always laughing for?

KANNA: Huh...?

KUGIE: ...You're creepy. I hate it.

DAD: Hey, stop that! Apologize, Kugie!

Kugie calls Kanna "creepy" and even says that she "hates" that part of her. Sara can't ever say such cruel words to Kanna; the worst you can do as a player is speak sternly to her sometimes. But Sou absolutely can say cruel things. He has called Kanna "stupid kid," "dead weight," and a "hindrance" in front of the entire group. And just like the Kizuchi parents scolded Kugie for her mean words, our group members condemn Sou for his mean words.

Now, we know Sou wasn't actually speaking his heart with those words. He didn't have malicious intent. (In fact, he was trying to save Kanna's life.) Sou said those words because he wears a mask to cover his true self. That's the essence of his character. He tries to sound tough and logical to force people to take him seriously. He assumes that once he lets his guard down and shows weakness, everyone will vote to kill him. He becomes a bully because he's insecure.

What if Kugie was also wearing a mask when she bullied Kanna? Not because of the Death Game like Sou, but for a more ordinary reason. Maybe she was simply trying to sound "cool." Maybe Kugie bullied Kanna because she was also insecure, and it would be easy to take out her insecurity on a little girl like Kanna. Kanna is an awkward child who speaks in the third person and laughs for no reason. It would be easy for an older girl to look at Kanna and think, "At least I'm not as embarrassing as that." Even though we don't know Kugie as well as Sou, I think it's a logical assumption.

KANNA: Even then, I kept on smiling... I didn't... want to make sister out as a villain. / But one day, when it became unbearable... I ran away from home.

This is the saddest part but I love it because it's a direct��parallel to what Kanna says about Sou!

During the Second Main Game, when Kanna confesses that she took the Sacrifice card from Sara, she says, "Kanna...Kanna...!! She didn't want to let Sara die...!! And also...!! She didn't want to make Sou a murderer...!!"

The things Kanna does for these two!!

In other words, there comes a point for both Kugie and Sou where their actions are so harmful that Kanna feels like she has to throw herself away to thwart their "villainy." She runs away from home. She takes the Sacrifice Card. Because she doesn't want these two people she loves to become villains.

We continue Kanna's story with another flashback. This time, it's accompanied by visual imagery of a small Kanna sitting by herself and crying while hiding her face under a bucket.

KANNA: ...sniff... sob...

KANNA: (narrating) I couldn't go home. I didn't want to... Thinking that to myself, I sat in the park with a bucket on my head and cried.

This is Kanna at her most vulnerable. She is isolated and alone. She has given up.

In the present day, Kanna has many hopeless moments like this since she has just lost her sister, the person she loved most. We can judge any of the game's characters by how well they treat her, the most vulnerable among them.

In Kanna's memory, there is a character who comes to speak with her at this time. A little boy who tries to joke with her and cheer her up. Kanna only remembers him as "Brat," but to the player, he looks an awful lot like a small Joe Tazuna! The following confrontation between Kanna, "Brat," and Kugie is my favorite part, because it leads to my favorite parallel.

BRAT: Hey! Whatcha doin'? / What's with the bucket?! Yer funny!

KANNA: ...sniff... sniffle...

BRAT: Huh? You cryin'?!

KANNA: ..........

BRAT: ...Alright. / *He lifts his shirt over his head.* How's that! Ehh?! Look at me! C'mon! Funny, right?

KANNA: ...uuuuu...

VOICE (KUGIE): What're you doing?!

BRAT: ...Huh...?

KUGIE: How dare you put a bucket on her head and tease her!! Beat it, you!!

BRAT: I-I wasn't teasin' her!

KUGIE: Liar!! Kanna's crying, isn't she?! D-Don't... be so cruel to my little sister!!

KANNA (narrating): ...That was the first time she called me "little sister"...

In the scene, "Brat" greets Kanna and tries to cheer her up by being a goofball. However, Kugie sees this and gets the wrong impression. She assumes that the boy is hurting Kanna and she rushes to her little sister's defense. As a result of Kugie's actions, Kanna finally sees Kugie's true loving heart.

This is, beat for beat, exactly what happens when Sou confronts Sara about Kugie's smartphone. Just like Kugie wrongly assumed that Joe was bullying Kanna, Sou wrongly assumes that Sara tampered with Kugie's smartphone to make it seem like Kugie hated Kanna. Even though Sou is wrong--Sara was trying to fix the smartphone, just like Sou was--this is the first moment that the player can see Sou's true heart. We learn that Sou's reasons for targeting Sara aren't due to him being some scheming mastermind; he's simply suspicious by nature and he makes rash judgments. He acts the way he does because he genuinely believes that Sara is dangerous. And for the first time, we see how deeply Sou cares about Kanna. We see him stand up to Sara to defend her. Then we see how he wrote a message full of love and hope on Kugie's phone.

When Kanna finally receives the phone, she cries "tears of salvation" over Kugie's new message. But Kugie's words are really Sou's words. And by the time we reach Chapter 3, we learn that Kanna knew the truth the whole time.

(KANNA): Kanna was always with her big sister. / Because she loved her a lot… / But Kanna was always just a bother to her… / Even that time when it mattered most, she couldn't do anything. / So she thought she was hated… / But that message... made her remember. / That surely, her big sister was watching over her… / That she had to stay strong on her own… / But, well… / The truth is, she knew… / That it wasn't her sister who wrote that message… / *Kanna remembers Sou's face.* .... / ...There's people who tried to protect Kanna. / There's people who worked to encourage her. / So... she doesn't want anyone else to die. / Because... they're all such kind people...

In the game, Kanna shares these thoughts with the player in the aftermath of Sou's death. This is the scenario in which Sou gets to complete the same arc as Kugie. They both sacrifice themselves to save the little sister they love so much. I'm sure that Kugie would have been grateful for Sou's help in writing that message and saving Kanna's life.

I'll finish sharing the rest of Kanna's story about Kugie:

KUGIE: ...You still crying?

KANNA: S-Sorry... sister...

KUGIE: ... / ...So you cry too, Kanna.

I think the wording of that last sentence in English is interesting. The obvious interpretation is that Kugie realizes that Kanna has been secretly crying and hiding her true self all this time. But on another level, I wonder if Kugie is admitting that she herself "cries too"? That would confirm Kugie's insecurity. And it would make this a moment in which Kugie sees herself in Kanna, just like it's implied that Sou sees his "weak self" in Kanna. In any case, this "unmasking" of Kanna's true heart is a good parallel for Sou's story as well. Kanna also hides her feelings like he does.

KANNA: ..........

KUGIE: .......... / Kanna... I'm sorry...

KANNA: ...Sister...

KUGIE: Mom and dad are worried, so let's get home quick, okay?

KANNA: O... Okay! Eheheh...

It is possible for Sou to apologize to Kanna in the prologue of Chapter 2, Part 2. His wording is more ominous than Kugie's, though he keeps Kugie's sentiment about returning home: "...Sorry. / Just relax. If you’re obedient, I’ll tell you how to survive."

Continuing with Kanna's story, the narrative shifts back to the present day.

KANNA: ...Ever since then, my sister and I got along really well.

SARA: I see...

KANNA: Without any blood relation... Kanna and her sister got along really... really well... / ..........

I love this line because it can apply to Sou as well, since he isn't blood-related to Kanna either. All of Kanna's protective siblings commit to her well-being by their own choice.

SARA: Kanna...

KANNA: Kanna... will definitely go home...! Because she needs to tell mom and dad...! / Determination... / A kind of determination... much too heavy for a girl her age to bear. / ...I should be going soon. Sou might wake up, after all... / Thank you very much... Sara.

Kanna ends her story with a determined speech to return home and honor Kugie's memory. As we read earlier, Kanna gives a similar determined speech in the aftermath of Sou's sacrifice. Later in Chapter 3, she further expresses a desire to honor Sou’s memory, saying “I want to know more about the man who sacrificed himself for me.” This is Kanna at her strongest! This is a Kanna who wants to live!

I mentioned earlier that I would come back to Kanna's feelings on the "competition" between Sou and Sara for her affections. Because Sara resembles Kugie physically, everyone believes that Kanna would choose Sara over Sou. Kanna even says that Sara is "the person she most wants to live." That is Kanna's emotional appeal to save Sara from being voted as a candidate. In the event that Kanna dies, Keiji rubs Kanna’s words in Sou's face at the beginning of Chapter 3, leaving Sou desolate.

But it's important to note that Kanna's choice was always to save both Sara and Sou. To say that she would abandon Sou discredits what actually happened. After Kanna makes an emotional appeal to save Sara's life, she shrewdly makes a logical appeal to save Sou's life. And when Sou tries to direct the votes to Kanna, thinking she has the Sacrifice card, Kanna easily thwarts his efforts by simply telling the truth. Kanna was the only character who chose to be honest about the Sacrifice Card, because she never intended to let anyone else die for her.

Kanna's choice was to reject the “competition” outright. She doesn't even take it seriously. Her reasons for taking the Sacrifice card were twofold: to save Sara's life, and to save Sou's soul. It's never a real question for her which person she values more. She would have died for them both.

This matters because Sou doesn't parallel Kugie in such an obvious way like Sara does, but the parallel is still there. It's subtle enough that Sou can't even see it. He never feels confident in Kanna's affection, which is why he ordered her, "Kanna. / Don’t you betray me." He can't see what's right in front of him: that Kanna cares about him as though he were her own brother.

In contrast, Sara feels self-conscious about the comparisons people draw between Kugie and herself. She always feels awkward about it. She is fully aware that Kugie was her own person, and Sara can only pretend to understand what she was like. I really like the way that the manga treated this issue. Although the manga cuts out many of the excellent character moments from the game, it adds more focus on Kugie.

Sara thinks to herself, "I don't know...how many regrets that person had..." which neatly foreshadows that Kugie would have regretted bullying Kanna. Speaking of regrets also reminds me of Sou, who--in the route where he dies--regrets not trusting everyone sooner.

I wanted to end this piece on a happy note, so I'll just say that I like to imagine that Sou and Kugie would have gotten along! Maybe they would even be able to see through each other's masks and help each other. They could work together to protect Kanna, and the Player could choose whether Sara joins them.

#yttd #your turn to die #kimi ga shine #sou hiyori #kanna kizuchi #shin tsukimi #sara chidouin #kugie kizuchi #sou and kanna #sara and kanna #kizuchi sisters #sou and sara #mine #meta #my meta #your turn to die spoilers

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anntoldst0ries · 4 years ago

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Diagnosis

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who read my previous fic and left such kind comments. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate this!

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Vicky Valentine)

Word Count: 2,911

Summary: Dr Ramsey attempts to diagnose the most difficult case in his career...his own.

Warnings: None! A lot of introspection again and hints of angst :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ethan Ramsey considered himself a brave man.

He always had the courage to say whatever he wanted to say or what had to be said - be that a terminal diagnosis, savaging someone’s speech at a medical conference (only if the speaker was talking nonsense, that is), scolding an intern - you name it.

With years of experience under his belt, Dr Ramsey excelled at the “art” of saying the most horrible, unpleasant and inconvenient things. It was a process he took to pieces and mastered every tiniest part.

He knew exactly what they were whispering behind his back in the hospital corridors. Dr Ramsey is a bully. A ruthless cynic. No one survived more than 3 minutes of his tirades without bursting into tears. Or, as some of the interns so lovingly put it, he was “the only survivor of a heart transplant”. The last remark had been conveyed to him by Baz, who found it hilarious…and so did Naveen. It took one deadly look to silence Baz forever, however Naveen used every occasion to remind his protégé of hospital’s favourite joke:

‘How’s your heart, Ethan?’

‘Good, why are you as—‘ Ethan didn’t have a chance to finish answering the question, interrupted by Dr Banerji who was in convulsions.

‘God, Naveen, for such a bright mind and one of the best doctors in the world, I still find it hard to believe that you have a sense of humour of a 5 year old’

‘There is nothing wrong with some joy, Ethan. You should try it sometimes, it may do you good.’

Similar conversations took place on a regular basis, but they always ended with Ethan rolling his eyes and Naveen sighing. Younger doctor would never, ever tell his mentor off, he respected him too much. So Ethan let Dr Banerji have some fun at his expense from time to time.

But, truth be told, he kept his emotions at a leash and he was good at it, because there wasn’t a thing in Ethan’s life that he wasn’t good at. Regardless of what it was - saving people’s lives or emotional self-deprivation.

That’s why reminiscing past 2 years was so hard for accomplished diagnostician. He couldn’t help but think that he’s lived more during this time than he’s lived during his whole life. His existence wasn’t a boring one, he loved his job and the cases that the team had to crack were mostly complex and thus exciting. There was also a sense of fulfilment and servitude to a greater cause.

As a kid, Ethan wanted to be a detective. It all started with Alan buying his son one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s books. There was no hidden intention in this choice - Alan simply ran out of book ideas, Ethan was literally gobbling up the books at his disposal and was thirsty for more. Therefore, Mr Ramsey picked picked one of the thickest positions available in the book shop, with hopes it will keep Ethan occupied for at least a couple of weeks. Oh, how wrong he was - 5 days later his son was already begging for more.

Sherlock Holmes and Hercules Poirot quickly took the top spot on the list of Ethan’s childhood heroes. He was obsessed with their investigative methods, their sharp minds that captured even the tiniest of details and how missing those nuances would make solving a mystery a lot harder, if not impossible.

That’s why he became obsessed with details. He analysed, compared, observed and noted down everything around him with deliberation. After a while, Ethan realised that these skills come handy in various areas of life. He could read people and to a degree foresee what their next move was going to be. If he wanted to, he could probably try and influence their decisions too. If it wasn’t for Alan’s upbringing, this particular skill might have taken his life onto a dark track, but fortunately he utilised it for greater good.

Having this sort of insight made him very self-conscious and he never turned away from reliving his own decisions and behaviours, which helped him become a better doctor, every single day. But he never wallowed in the mud of emotions, instead always operating on facts.

But for the past couple of months, this process became a pure torture.

You know what they say, the devil is in the detail. And the devil it was indeed.

The devil that would be the death of Ethan was 5’4, had raven hair, plumped lips, mesmerising eyes and a captivating laugh.

Suddenly, he heard the devil’s voice in his head.

‘Are you pinching the bridge of your nose right now?’

He was.

‘God dammit!’ - shouted Ethan, so loud that he startled poor Jenner, who resigned from occupying the sofa and ran straight to his bed. Even the retriever, in his doggy wisdom, knew that when his master was upset, it was best to stay out of his sight and wait for the storm to pass.

Whenever Dr Ramsey had a serious dilemma, he would subtly join his thumb and index finger to pinch the gentle skin between eyes. She knew of this somewhat subconscious habit and teased him about it countless times.

With most people, the whole observing and reading process was a one-sided game. For majority of mortals, Ethan was a closed book and they had no idea how to open, let alone read it. But not Rookie. She saw right through him. Ethan considered himself a riveting mystery thriller before, if we’re talking comparisons, but right now he was probably a cheap Harlequin. How did he sink so low in practically no time?

The answer came before he was even able to finish the question.

He was hopelessly, utterly and irreversibly in love with Dr Vicky Valentine.

“Victoria….” he whispered. He knew her full name, he’s read her bloody application and her employee file many, many times. More than he’d ever care to admit. Neither him nor anyone else addressed her by her full name. She always introduced herself as Vicky and even mentioned to him, June & Baz one time that she considered herself too young to be a bearer of such gracious name. But when the name fell out of his lips, it made perfect sense. Victoria. Victory. After a long, tough and heartbreaking battle, she’s won all of him. And man, wasn’t she fighting fiercely.

She was so much like him, and yet so different. Patients loved her, and for a good reason - not only was she amazing at her job, but also so genuinely caring about every patient she met. Somehow, she was able to see past people weary of their conditions, instead she always noticed the human beings with their unique stories. Thanks to her, patients never felt like sickness became their identity, but merely a stage in their life that shall soon pass.

Hospital staff adored her as well, she had time and a huge smile for everyone; her bright aura lit up every room she walked into and was a pleasure to be around.

Those who knew Ethan a bit better or worked with him were aware of the insanely high standards he was holding himself to. And it would have been fine if they only applied to him, but he held everyone else to the same standard too. It was his buffer. Most gave up without even trying, it was humanly impossible to live up to such expectations. And that was the goal. Dr Ramsey wanted no distractions and if anyone wanted so much as approach him, they had a giant wall to jump over first.

But the young intern wasn’t bothered in the slightest. Dozens of people before her stood in front of the wall and tried to figure out how to get in. And she… she just found a tiny gap and squeezed right through. Before Ethan realised what’s going on, it was already too late. And she wasn’t even fully aware of what she’s done.

Like air, she’s entered his life imperceptibly, filling every space until there was nothing else. She was in every reflection he saw, every smile, every freaking thing a reminder of her, one way or another.

He was completely under her spell, enchanted, drunk in the thought of her.

The most ironic part was that if he went by his unreasonable standards, she’d never stand a chance.

She was messy, she was a klutz, she laughed too loud and rounded her eyes like a child when something seriously excited her.

And yet, something about her made him break all of his rules, lower his guard and re-think everything he’s ever thought he knew and believed in.

Obviously, he wouldn’t be himself if the occupational quirk did not kick in at some point. Whatever the cause, Dr Ramsey had to get to the bottom of it, no matter how many tests did he have to run on his mind and heart. He needed the diagnosis so he could start the treatment. But his sharp diagnostic skills which made him a famous man, suddenly decided to go on unplanned vacation and it looks like they were not coming back anytime soon.

Ambivalence became Ethan’s newest companion. Some days, he thought he was going to blow his brains out, the others he was strangely content and did not want to analyse anything, things were good just as they were.

For the first time in his life, he felt truly lost. He felt like Jon Snow, he knew nothing. It wasn’t a result of one event, rather a chain reaction. Starting with Naveen getting sick, the inability to figure out what was wrong with his mentor made Ethan seriously doubt his capabilities as a doctor. Then, Louise Ramsey made a surprise reappearance after having walked out on him and his dad 25 years earlier. When he was little, his dad use to say that wherever Louise goes, trouble follows and it wasn’t any different this time. She brought company - insecurity, sorrow, resentment - to name just a few. Ethan felt like someone ripped a band aid from his heart and painfully reminded him that all the wounds are still alive and never really healed.

And finally, Edenbrook. The place that others saw as walls, glass, beds, people in white coats, sickness, illness, death. To him, it was much, much more. The hospital had almost a transcendental dimension. It was here that Ethan’s transition had been completed. He shed his old skin and became Dr Ramsey, the person he was always meant to be.

That’s why Edenbrook closing hit him so hard - a part of him was about to die and be buried beneath years of sweat, tears and effort. It was probably the hardest thing to come to terms with in the 37 years that he’s been walking on the surface of the Earth.

And throughout all these events, she was with him.

She never gave up on Naveen and Ethan knew that there was more to it than just saving Edenbrook’s most prominent doctor. He believed, he wanted to believe that she did this for him too.

The memory brought shame that drained off him like unpleasant wave of cold water. Ethan never really forgave himself for just laying in his bed like a drunk bag of potatoes, whilst she was busting her gut to solve the case, even though she had ethics hearing to prepare for. A hearing that could make or break her whole career, before she even had a chance to start.

Dr Ramsey would like to think they were alike. But as a matter of fact, she was a much better person than him.

Then, with his mother in the picture, she never told him what to do. Even though he asked, many times. He hoped someone can actually make the decision for him, because it hurt so much to even think about this, let alone decide what to do next. But she never did. She was just there and by simply being, she empowered him to make his own, informed decision.

She was there, like no one else was in his entire life. Not to take anything from Naveen, who had tremendous effect on Ethan’s life - but this was completely different.

She penetrated his soul.

She made him feel.

Love.

It was the first time he used this word in a long, long time.

And maybe, quite possibly, for the first time in his life he used it with intention.

He thought he felt it once before.

When he was a student at Johns Hopkins, Ethan met Camille. She was a year older than him, with angelic voice and looks, the cascade of blond locks surrounding her gentle facial features like a halo.

What impressed him was that she kept hitting up on him, not the other way round. He’s had his mind set on graduating as a top student in his class and then getting the best residency there was - in Edenbrook hospital in Boston. It was either him or someone else. University romances were of no interest to him, or so he thought. After all, he’s just gone past his teenage years and was relatively new to the world of intimate human desires. As much as he tried to push them away, he had needs and his hormones were still a giant part of his decision-making process, doesn’t matter how hard he tried denying it.

Also, there was something motherly about her and she reminded him of the woman who left him when he was just a boy. It was completely fucked-up, he hated his mother and yet a memory of her and how he’d once do anything for her was tattooed in the insides of his brain.

Ethan and Camille shared a passion for medicine, music and opera. A few times, he was close to bringing her down to Providence, to introduce her to Alan, his father. But there was this weird voice in his head stopping him.

Maybe that’s why he wasn’t overly surprised when one day he walked on Camille. In his bed. Screaming and making other explicit sounds…except, he wasn’t the igniter. It was none other than his best friend at the time, Tobias. Ethan would never forget the jealous glance he shot him with when he first brought Camille to one of the student parties. And then things got worse. Ethan and Tobias always competed and for a long time it was a fuel that kept them both going. But when someone wins, someone has to lose. Neither of them was good at losing or accepting the failure.

Ethan was doing better than his best friend. Not significantly better, the difference between them had usually been slight, but it was there. Tobias couldn’t swallow this. Not only was Ethan doing better than him, he also had one of the most beautiful students at Hopkins by his side. Jealousy started to spread inside him like a wildfire and since his attempts to beat Ethan at school were futile, he decided to make use of his other skills. Tobias was a born flirter and charmer. He often used to say that no woman can resist his spell and that “where there’s a woman - there’s a way.”

Dr Ramsey never told anyone, but having found out that his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend was sort of relief. Call it sixth sense, an intuition… subconsciously he sort of felt that she wasn’t a girl for him. As for Tobias, he was tired of the fight….of Tobias fighting with him, that is. Ethan wasn’t fighting, he was just a better student and was going to be a better doctor. He was tired of petty competition and how the toxin poisoned their relationship.

So they actually made him a favour and helped him killed 2 birds with 1 stone - he was saved from having an awkward break-up conversation that he’s never went through before and he now had every right to hate Tobias. He didn’t really, as such feelings were a waste of energy, but a week later Tobias moved out of their shared apartment and they never really spoke again.

After Camille, he was only in a brief relationship once. With Harper. He deeply admired and respected her, but when things started getting too serious (from her side), he distanced himself. And so, for a couple of years to follow, they were on the off and on again terms. They went through countless friends with benefits stages, but he genuinely enjoyed her company. They just never wanted the same things, which became more and more evident as she was getting older. And he respected her too much to mess her around.

Ethan’s career was everything to him and he accepted the fact that falling in love and having a family is just not in the cards for him.

Or so he thought.

Dr Valentine entered his life one September morning and hasn’t left ever since. And, hell, hasn’t he tried to erase her. To make her hate him. To draw a line between work and personal life. He could honestly say that he tried everything.

For the love of God, he ran to fucking Amazon! He tried to hide from all things Dr Valentine, like a fool who forgot one of the most basic rules of life: there is no running away from yourself.

Tag list (please let me know if you wish to be removed): @terrm9 @openheart12 @openheartthot @rookie-ramsey @alwaysmychoices @brooks-eden @drethanramslay @starrystarrytrouble @justanotherrookie @caseyvalentineramsey@incorrectopenheart @heauxplesslydevoted @perriewinklenerdie @mercury84choices @archxxronrookie @renasalek-blog @maurine07 @whippedforethanfreakingramsey @lemonmiddleton @tsrookie @choicesfan10 @dr-colossal-pita @queencarb @gryffindordaughterofathena @qrkowna @aarisa-frost @choicesficwriterscreations

#open heart #dr ethan ramsey #dr ethan jonah ramsey #dr ramsey x mc #ethan ramsey #open heart choices #dr valentine #play choices #open heart fanfiction #open heart fic #choices fic writers creations #fics of the week

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skullsandwineglasses · 3 years ago

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The Legends (2019) - Halfway Review (first 30 episodes)

So far, this is a drama that I skim-watched, and I have only watched the first half. I keep hearing how the second half is even worse and goes downhill, so I’m bracing myself for it. But here are my thoughts about what worked for me and what didn’t.

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

Plot Summary (this is kinda long, so skip to the next section if you’ve already watched it)

I actually really like the premise of the plot and think it’s different from your typical xianxia/wuxia/xuanhuan romance drama. The plot opens with a naive and innocent girl, Lu Zhao yao, who lives in a remote mountain forest with her grandfather. Their ancestral duty is to guard the seal of the Demon King’s son. Lu Zhao yao, our bubbly FL, is lonely. She wants a companion because it has always just been her and her grandfather in this empty and lonely mountain forest.

One day, Luo Mingxuan from the Immortal sect breaks into cave in the forest and attempts to attack the Demon King’s son, but the son escapes and Luo Mingxuan is injured. The FL finds him, heals him, and falls for him. Luo Mingxuan is intrigued by her too. He tells her to be a good person and to be a keeper of peace of harmony in the world. He leaves, and she is determined to be a good person who saves people and helps the weak.

Meanwhile, the Demon King’s son is bullied by the villagers and is soon captured by the Immortal sect who wants to execute to prevent him from becoming a harbinger of evil. Zhao yao saves him as her first good deed, defeats all the sect leaders, and proves herself to be far more superior than any of them. She is unbeatable, and therefore makes an enemy out of all of them.

The Demon King’s son cares for her wounds, and she teaches him to stand up for himself and protect himself. She names him Mo Qing. She tells him her dream of wanting to build her own sect to help keep the peace in the world. He takes in everything she says with rapt attention. But she then tells him that she needs to leave him to find Luo Mingxuan, the person who inspired her to be a good person. She tells Mo Qing not to wait for her because she won’t come back. Mo Qing watches her leaves. Despite her telling him to start a new life, he never leaves the encampment that they’ve created because he has nowhere else to go.

A month later, Zhao yao returns to the encampment, bloodied and jaded. When Zhao yao had gone to the Immortal sect to find Luo Mingxuan, he chained her up, tortured her, and forced her to reveal the location of the Demon King’s son. She refused to surrender because she’s adamant that she did the right thing in protecting an innocent boy who did no wrong. Luo Mingxuan says that she’s going down the path of evil and prepares to kill her. Her grandfather shows up to save her, but is killed by Luo Mingxuan. She then realizes that everything that Luo Mingxuan had said about being a good person and upholding peace and justice is a lie. Out of spite, she reasons that if everyone thinks she’s an evil person, then she’ll show them what it means to be truly devil and despicable. She sets out to become the most evil person they have yet to see. She’s hellbent on revenge, and no longer believes in love and in the goodness of people. I just love her petty attitude because I can relate to it so much. You think this is bad? Okay, I’ll show you bad.

For the next 5 years, she builds her fearsome sect. She recruits a group of loyal followers, and is now known as a cruel and devilish conqueror. Mo Qing stays by her side as a quiet guard and gatekeeper of the sect’s entrance, watching her from the sidelines. On the day when Zhao yao tries to take the Wan Jun Sword, she tries to take advantage of his feelings for her and tells him to distract the people from the Immortal sect so that she can take the sword. But the sword instead calls out for him and wants him as its master. This causes the cave to collapse, and Zhao yao is buried in the rubbles, her last words accusing Mo Qing of betraying her.

We then have another time skip of 5 years. Zhao yao is resurrected when her body comes into the contact with the blood of Qin Zhiyan, a disciple from the Immortal sect. Their bodies are now connected; whenever Zhiyan is hurt or injured, the same injuries are manifested on Zhao yao’s body. To other people, they both have Zhiyan’s face, and only Zhiyan can see Zhao yao’s true face. Zhiyan’s personality is the exact opposite of our FL. Zhiyan is meek, clumsy, kind, and not clever, which means that Zhao yao becomes the bossy half of this blood-connected duo. Zhao yao is determined to return to her sect and get revenge on Mo Qing whom she not only mistakenly thinks killed and betrayed her 5 years ago, but whom has now taken over as the leader of her sect. She wants to reclaim her position and restore her clan to its prior glory as a sect to be feared.

Pacing

All of this happened within the first 4 opening episodes. To be honest, the first 2 episodes were slow. Episodes 3 and 4 were when the deaths, time skips, and Zhao yao’s rise and fall happened.

Despite a slow first 2 episodes, the drama overall had a strong opening. We got to see a reversal of power dynamics where the FL is evil and powerful, while the ML is the quiet and demure “damsel in distress” who secretly crushes on the FL. It’s different from the usual underdog storyline.

But after Zhao yao’s “death”, the plot slows down. The power dynamics reverts back to what we typically see in xianxia dramas: the ML becomes the almighty powerful sect leader, while the FL has lost her powers and her identity, and has to now pretend to want to be his disciple in order to slowly regain her power so that she can kill him and get her revenge.

From episode 5 onwards, the FL’s arc is about how she and Zhiyan have to pretend to be the same person. This means that sometimes one of them has to hide (usually Zhiyan) so that no one sees both of them. However, this also means that we see more of the actress who plays Zhiyan than Bai Lu. While the second lead actress is good and is able to pull off playing both roles, I didn’t choose to watch the drama because of her. I had just started to get used to Bai Lu as the FL, and now suddenly, I’m forced to see the face of another actress as the FL. I imagine that this is when the drama loses most of its audience. It really tests your patience. In the comment section of these episodes, I saw a lot of people asking when the FL gets her face back because if the switch doesn’t happen soon, they’ll drop the drama.

I was also *this* close to dropping the drama. It felt the Bai Lu barely had any screen time, and the SFL had very little chemistry with Xu Kai (which I guess was the point). And speaking of screen time, Xu Kai only appears for like 10 minutes per episode.

The leads also felt very removed from all the plotting and scheming that was happening amongst the sects around them. So not even 10 episodes into the drama, the plot felt like a drag.

When you realize that Zhao yao won’t get her face back anytime soon, you begin to wonder how the romance between her and Mo Qing will progress. Will he fall for her personality even though she has Zhiyan’s face? Does this mean that he’ll fall in love with both Zhiyan and Zhao yao because he thinks they’re the same person and doesn’t know that there’s 2 of them? Is this going to turn into some kind of moral/philosophical dilemma about what is means to love someone’s soul? Is this going to turn into some messed up love triangle?

Thankfully, Mo Qing figures out what’s happening pretty soon (around episode 11), so he knows that Zhao yao and Zhiyan are distinct people. We don’t really see his thought process for how he is able to figure things out, but we just assume that he’s able to put the clues together. It seems that at first, he might have assumed that they inhabit the same body (like a Stephanie Meyer’s The Host kind of situation), where Zhao yao takes over at night, but then soon he figures out that Zhao yao is actually just invisible during the day, and appears at night with Zhiyan’s face. But then he gives Zhao yao her old necklace, which allows him to see her in her true form during the day and night, even though she doesn’t know it.

The Good

This brings to me to talk about what I do like about the drama. Both the ML and FL are clever people. They’re able to see through people’s schemes and are always one step ahead. We also see that Zhao yao, the fearless conqueror/demonness, has met her match, which makes their interactions really cute to watch. Zhao yao used to be his hero that he could only admire from afar. She was the haughty sect leader that he could barely talk to because she her attention was always occupied by other things. But now, he’s her superior and the one giving out orders, while she has to put on an act to please him because she’s now his disciple. But at the same time, she keeps trying to kill him, and he knows it, and he’s always amused by her attempts because it’s a reminder that Zhao yao has really come back to him. He simultaneously enjoys and is hurt by her hate for him. Talk about being masochistic.

I’m also a sucker for reincarnation/ghost plots. While Zhao yao isn’t exactly reincarnated (but more like reawakened), and she isn’t exactly a ghost but is invisible, the way that the plot plays out is similar. Both the ML and FL metaphorically have a new life: he’s a sect leader when he was once someone who was bullied and persecuted and couldn’t protect himself, and she’s now just a disciple who needs his help from time to time. It’s always funny when he respectfully refers to Zhao yao in the third person to other people as the previous sect leader, even though she’s in the same room with them. And it’s also funny how she calls him that weird ugly kid, her first nickname for him when they first met, whenever he’s not in the room with her. The way they talk about each other in reference to their “previous life” is such as contrast from how they currently treat other when face to face.

The invisibility plot point is also fun, especially in episode 21 when he follows her around town. It’s also the first time when we’re explicitly shown what he sees from his point of view. Zhao yao is like a hologram, and with a bit of magic and concentration, Mo Qing is able to lift the invisible “mask” that covers her to see her in her true form. Zhao yao is always startled when Mo Qing seems to be looking right at her.

But between episodes 12 and 20, the plot stagnates. It’s not until episode 21 when it picks up again because all the subplots and backstories finally start to come together. And so far, episodes 21-30 have been good. The leads are finally getting involved with the larger plot. They actually make things happen. There are important consequences to their actions and decisions. Zhao yao still doesn’t get her face back, but everyone finally knows that there are two of them, so Zhao yao and Zhiyan don’t have to keep playing the hiding/switching game. Luo mingxuan finally wakes up from his slumber, so the original villain of the drama has returned. It turns out that Jiang Wu is just a manifestation of Qin Qianxuan’s lust for Zhao yao. Lu Shiqi, a teenager(?) raised by Zhao yao, reppears again for the first time since episode 4. Mo Qing’s inner demon is starting to come out. Zhao yao finally finds out that Mo Qing already knew that she had come back from the dead and that she is invisible during the day all along. She also finally starts to accept that he has feelings for her and her for him (That line in episode 30 though: “If you fight, I’ll be your sword, if you retreat, I’ll be your shield”). The plot is finally getting good. But I’m just worried about how it’s going to be handled from here since I keep hearing how weak the second half is.

I also like Zhao yao and Zhiyan’s relationship. Yes, they’re blood-bonded so they’re forced to look out for each other, but I just really like how wholesome their relationship is and how much they do care for one another. They have to share their secrets with each other because it’s them against the world. They’re a unit, and their survival depends on them cooperating and trusting each other.

The Meh

The villains haven’t really been a threat to the leads, and they’re not that interesting tbh. I always skip the scenes when they’re scheming (which are a lot of scenes), and I’m still able to follow the gist. Like I already mentioned, up until episode 21, the leads felt so removed from what was happening in the other sects. Despite being a sect leader, it doesn’t feel like Mo Qing really does much besides interact with the FL, and the FL doesn’t do much besides stir up antics. She doesn’t actively try to figure out how to get her face back. She just thinks that if she gets Zhiyan to do more good deeds in her name, then she’ll wrack up more underworld credits, and she’ll be able to buy the pill that will help her restore her powers. But it’s also a little odd that her credit count is increasing so slowly when she’s done a lot to help Zhiyan.

Mo Qing and Zhao yao have a really cute romantic arc, but Mo Qing is a very typically ML who unconditionally loves the FL and sacrifices everything for her. He doesn’t really stand out from the other xianxia MLs, and his character isn’t given much to work with (especially with so little screen time). Compare him with Sifeng from Love and Redemption or Ye Hua from Eternal Love who had to express so much pain and suffering. Maybe the angst just hasn’t happened yet in this drama.

Mo Qing’s love and devotion to Zhao yao was also a little hard to believe at first. They only really interacted with each other closely for a handful of scenes over a period of a few days, but I guess when you take into consideration that he was abused and abandoned as a child, and then bullied and nearly executed, then the fact that Zhao yao was the first person to care for him, be his friend, and give him a name, it’s no wonder that he’d go to the ends of the earth for her.

There is a very little character development, and the world building stagnated after the first few episodes. I guess we start to see some growth in Zhao yao and Zhiyan in the 20s episodes, where Zhao yao learns to be more caring and tender, and Zhiyan learns to be a bit more confrontational, but for the most part, it feels like things are happening to them and they’re just reacting to it. Zhao yao may seem assertive, but she doesn’t cause things to happen. Her being invisible does hinder her agency and makes her more of an observer in the drama. It feels like she’s been laying low for so long now, so I’m looking forward to seeing what she does in the next episodes now that Luo Mingxuan has awakened.

I remember when this drama first came out in 2019, I had just finished Fuyao a few months prior, so I didn’t want to watch what seemed like a second-rate version of Fuyao. But this drama has a completely different premise, so I guess it goes to show not to judge a drama by its name.

I also wasn’t in the mood to watch a drama where the leads are my age. I’m still getting used to the idea of people my age on screen, while I’m watching them at home, still having no idea what I want to do with my life.

In terms of plot, it’s hard to compare Fuyao and Zhao yao since they’re so different. Fuyao works her way to becoming a powerful general, while Zhao yao starts as a powerful general and then loses everything.

Overall halfway impression

People say that you should watch this drama for the romance between the leads, and while yes, the romance is watchable, I don’t know if that’s enough to carry you through this drama since the romance progresses very slowly. The leads only have a few scenes together in each episode, so you’re skipping most of it. Essentially, this is a very skimmable drama. I’m hoping that I’ll skim less as the leads become more involved in the sect politics, and I wonder if I’ll still be invested in the romance when Zhao yao and Mo Qing officially get together. Stay tuned.

Update: So I’m on episode 35 now, and it seems like a good place to end things. Is this where things start to go downhill because they’re going to drag it out to 55 episodes?

#the legends #招摇 #zhao yao #bai lu #xu kai #许凯 #白鹿 #cdrama #cdramanet #cdrama impressions #cdrama review

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moniquill · 5 years ago

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I’m going to talk about Greedfall. Fight me.

So recently Greedfall was on 70% off on Steam, and I bought it.

I did so fully in the knowledge that this game is a garbage fire. I knew from the moment I saw the trailers back in August 2019, and I made some posts about it:

https://moniquill.tumblr.com/post/187141616836/greedfall-comes-out-next-month-on-the-10th-get-so

https://moniquill.tumblr.com/post/187185773016/no-i-will-not-absolve-you-geek-friend

https://moniquill.tumblr.com/post/187213116466/i-think-youve-fundamentally-misunderstood-the

And reblogged people saying more and better things:

https://moniquill.tumblr.com/post/187152585746/dalishious-untilthisdreamisgone-akedhi

A particularly large FUCK YOU to Darkfreya, who said this in the comments:

“ I will definitely buy this and hope it does well. We need more games like this. The fact that is a game about colonization does not bother me at all. Your character is neutral (and probably desperate trying search for a cure to a disease that is killing your people) Who you side with is your choice, and I seriously doubt siding with colonizers is seen as being the “good” choice.”

But there’s a valid argument to be made that you can’t REALLY criticize a game just based on trailers and synopses and lets plays and all that. You need to PLAY it, to play it all the way through and get the CONTEXT of the STORY.

So strap in chucklefucks, I did that. All spoilers, no repentance.

Note: I am writing this reaction on the fly as I play. I have had no spoilers except what’s in the promotional material. This isn’t so much a game review as an admonition of bullshit; I will be focusing on the main questline; the things that the game forces you to do to progress the story. I’ll also follow native-specific sidequests.

I am De Sardet, a man or woman who is the cousin of the new governor of The Congregations’ colony on Teer Fradee. I have an unexplained green birthmark on my face. My first quest item is saying goodbye to my mother, the Princess De Sardet, who has the mysterious and fatal illness that’s plaguing the land - the malichor.

There is no mention whatsoever of my father at this time.

In Serene, I futz about doing minor sidequests, meeting my first two companions (Kurt and Vasco), and levelling up by looting boxes and murdering bandits. I get to witness the ravages of the malichor; the streets are full of dead and dying people, there're corpse wagons and bonfires, generally looks like a good time.

I meet with the two representatives of the Not!European nations that The Congregation is a neutral ally to both of. One is Theleme, the super religious spanish inquisition types who dress in Cromwell-era English and French clothing. The other is The Bridge Alliance, who are all about science and technology and seem vaguely middle east to north african flavored - they wear turbans and kaftans, their architecture has domes and minarets, etc. Each representative gives me a quest with MORAL DILEMMAS! Do I deliver the heretics to the guard for arrest, or allow them to escape? Do I do the same for the charlatan alchemist? If I listen to them, they’re all totally innocent, but letting them go is bad for my reputation with the diplomats. Except that I can lie. So yeah… this is pretty much a ‘Do you BE EVIL because you can, or do you act benevolent at absolutely no expense to yourself?’ choice.

As I’m getting on the boat to head to Teer Fradee, I am railroaded into my first boss fight! This bursts out of the side of an adjacent ship:

All I know about it is that it was brought back from Teer Fradee, and that ‘it was supposed to be out for days’ - presumably it’s drugged. It’s visibly injured. I see it take another bad hit from a falling mast in the pre-battle cutscene.

I have no choice but to kill it.

I beat it into submission (with magic, because that's what I spec’d into) and then get a cutscene where it’s helpless and desperately scrambling away from me, gazing at me with intelligent, desperate eyes.

I dispassionately shoot it in the head.

I am hailed as a hero.

Like seriously here’s the video (not mine, just pulled from youtube)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQfIHBIJiAU

We cutscene across the ocean, Vasco gets real serious with some shorebirds, and we arrive at Teer Fradee.

On the steps of the governor’s palace, I have my first encounter with a native - Siora, daughter of a chieftain, who is here to seek an audience with the governor. She speaks to me in the native tongue, presuming that I will understand. She has a facial marking similar to my own. I use my political clout to get her into the palace. When we meet my cousin the governor, he goes on and on about how similar Siora and I look; as if we could be related.

This is the first clue, in the story, that I - De Sardet - have native ancestry. There is no avenue for me to explore this at this time.

Siora wants us to be allies to her clan in their hostilities with the Bridge Alliance. I’m sent to speak with Mal Bladnid - the chieftain, her mom.

I’d like to mention at this time that the designers clearly went out of their way to NOT invoke NDN visual tropes with regards to be people of Teer Fradee - No beads, braids, and buckskins, no flute and drum music. They have an irish/celtic/norse/pagan vibe, as I read it. They have a ‘what even is that’ accent. They also wear a ton of different styles of face paint, the significance of which are never explained.

The game at large seems to assign characters without regard to phenotype - any person of any faction may be european/black/asian in appearance. There are about a dozen faces in the entire game, endlessly recycled. It comes off as :FINGERS IN EARS, SHOUTING “WE DON’T SEE RACE!!!”:

At the first opportunity to talk to Siora back at my legate pad in New Serene, I can ask Siora if she really thought I was a Native. She says that yeah, she did, because I look like one, and she’s never seen a foreigner who’s an on ol menawi - she doesn’t tell me what that means, and I don’t have an option to ask.

Following the main quest line and going to see Siora’s mom, I learn that she’s already taken off to fight a battle. We catch up at the tail end of the battle, hundreds of people on both sides are dead. I meet Siora’s sister, and I can talk her down from a roaring rampage of revenge. We find out that their mom’s been taken. We spend some time optionally looking for and healing survivors - you can also just let them die. Save them, and you gain a reputation boost with the natives. Then we explore the ruins, which are continental in style, and learn about the legend of super doom battle of old vs wave of colonizers the first - the native people made a pact with the land which raised guardians, and in exchange certain people become ol menawi. What this means is not explained at this time, other than it’s a pact with the land and why the native people have magic.

At this point I diverge from the main quest to find out what happened to Siora’s mom; we go to the Bridge Alliance camp and find that she died on the way there. We have to argue/finagle/blackmail the captain of the outpost into allowing us to take her body.

Upon returning to Siora’s village, we find that her mother’s remains have been delivered, but new complication: there are missionaries from Theleme insisting that they had an agreement with queen Bladnid - the village would convert to Not!Christianity and in exchange Teleme would aid them against the Bridge Alliance. If they agree to this, they’ll have to bury Bladvid according to Theleme religious standards. Siora thinks this is bullshit, we must investigate. It is unclear how I’m supposed to pursue this.

I return to Constantin and report on the ancient ruins where the battle took place. He tells me to go see Lady Morange, who tells me to go check out some other ruins near some mines. This continues the Ancient Mystery questline.

I proceed to San Mateus (which is also where I need to go for main questline things regarding talking to the Theleme leaders on the island)

Entering the city for the first time thrusts me into a cutscene so fucking upsetting that I had to put the game away for a while and come back later. Upon entering the main square, I see a priest strangling a native man, while a creature not unlike the one I was forced to fight back in the first boss battle is being burned alive. The priest is demanding that the native man denounce his gods. He then strangles him to death. I am given no opportunity to intervene. Afterward, when I’m able to talk to the priest, I can declare myself as a believer or not - I can answer yes or no, or attempt charisma to weasel out of the question. If I fail charisma I have to answer yes or no. If I declare that I’m not a believer, we have a fight scene. I am not allowed to kill this man; the fight ends as soon as he’s incapacitated. He wanders off, declaring that he won’t forget this and that I’ll have to fight him again later.

THE BURNED CORPSE OF THE TREE-BEING REMAINS IN THE SAN MATEUS SQUARE FOR THE REST OF THE GAME.

In the palace I meet Petrus, after talking to the Mother Cardinal, Petrus becomes one of my companions. The Mother Cardinal asks me to investigate a native village that she believes is worshipping a demon. Yeah sure I’ll get right on that.

I proceed to Hikmet to talk about their science team’s work on the Malichor, and learn that the natives are very antagonistic toward their people. A soldier interrupts the conversation to tell us that an outpost has been routed in a native attack. I’m asked to assemble a team to investigate a science party that’s gone missing.

I return to Constantin to tell him about meeting the governors; he tells me to proceed with all the questlines I’ve opened and whines about how his parents never loved him. Worth noting at this time that Constantin appears not at all well. He’s pale and has dark circles under his eyes. He claims to be fine, just nauseated.

My main questline threads are now:

An Ancient Mystery

Scholars in the Expedition

Demonicial Cult

I choose to follow the cult one first, because Native involvement.

I proceed to Tir Dob, and meet with the investigators. The leader is frustrated because the natives don’t want to talk to her, and she’s convinced that there’s deep evil afoot. When I talk to the villagers, they dismiss me and tell me it’s not my business. Which, I mean, fair!

Notably, one woman asks about my mark/status an on ol manawi. When I say I’m not bound to anything/I didn’t do anything to bind myself, she tells me that one of my parents must have been a doneigad. I have no opportunity to pursue this.

There is no story-continuing option for me to leave it, or to pursue a path of gaining the villagers’ trust. I am required, by the game’s narrative, to spy on a villager. I break into his house and look at his things; I comment on how terrifying his fresco is and how morbid his altar and how horrible his mask. Siora points out that the mask is just worn to intimidate enemies in battle. It’s identical to the warthog spirit mask I can buy at any number of native merchants and wear. Petrus says that there’s obviously demon worship going on.

I tell sister Ephesia, and she sends me to follow the villager on his journey into a secret place in the forest. He disappears into a sacred grotto. I commune with a tree and experience a narrative, then have to solve a very obvious puzzle to enter the grotto - to invade a sacred place that I am obviously not welcome in. There is no option to refuse to do this that forwards the story. In the grotto I witness a ceremony that’s presented, through cinematography and music, to be SO TERRIFYING AND OBVIOUSLY EVIL because there’s… a small amount of bloodletting? A glowing tree spirit speaks at the end of the ritual and all participants triumphantly shout.

Siora, if in the party, says that the rituals of her tribe aren’t so scary, cementing that the game feels that this ritual is intrinsically horrifying in some way.

We go to ask the chief of the village about what we spied on, and she explains that it’s a ritual to evoke the strength of warriors and invoke a blessing against the Theleme investigators. She tells us that the voice we heard one one of the many faces of nature, and that if we proceed to another location and perform a ritual, we may hear from another face of nature - but that we might not be happy with the results.

We proceed to Vedvilvie, where we meet Aged Hermit. He tells us that a detachment of Bridge Alliance soldiers was here a long time ago, and gives us information about where to find their camp. We explore the swamp, looking at assorted corpses and ruined tents and ancient frescoes, then talk to Aged Hermit again, who tells us about a ritual to summon the earth.

We perform the ritual, and are thrust into a boss battle with Nadaig Vedemen. There is literally no choice but to kill her. The Aged Hermit rebukes us for having done so, calling us murderers and monsters. Gotta say, I absolutely agree with him. Siora tells him to calm down, that we were only defending ourselves. She explains to me that he knew her before she became a Nadaig - that Nadaig are Doneigada who’ve called upon the power of the island to the point of physical transformation. That it will happen to her and to me, eventually. That’s what on ol menawi and the mark means.

There is no opportunity for me, as a player, to avoid killing the Nadaig.

We return to Tir Dob and confront Derdre about sending us into a death trap; she had hoped the Nadaig would kill us. We now know secrets that no one outside the clan has ever known. She asks us not to tell.

I proceed to the Bridge Alliance Scholars’ camp and find they’ve been captured by locals, who want to trade them for prisoners that the Alliance has previously taken. We run into some locals who give us important information about where the prisoners are being held, because they feel it would be better if the prisoners were gone. We meet Aphra, who joins the party and leads us to where prisoners are being held. Two options here - guns blazing bloodbath, or ghost sneak mission where we bust the prisoners out undetected and harm no one. I choose the ghost option. Regardless, upon bringing the rescued scholars back to camp I’m confronted by three natives who I have to fight with. Once defeated, I have the option to either spare their lives or finish them off. Only Siora argues that I should let them live. I do.

We return to Hikmet and talk to the governor. This opens the Search for Panacea questline. Aphra is now a permanent possible companion.

Aphra’s personal quest: More required spying on the natives. Siora greatly disapproves. I have no option to shut this shit down, to tell her ‘No, we are not doing that.’ We spy on the elders, who are having a meditative session where they listen to the voice of en on mil frichtimen. They catch us spying and call us down, chastise us, and then invite us to watch the rest. Aphra makes comments about how ‘it’s almost like they really can hear a voice on the wind; must be delusion-level faith!’ She then says she has to mull this over and to talk about it later.

We proceed to the ruins that Lady Morange mentioned; two of the three required fetch items are in the general vicinity of a Nadaig. It is possible, through sneaking, to reach them without having to fight the Nadaig, so I do that. We find that the people who built the ruins were…. DUN DUN DUN…. From the congregation! We used to be EVIL! Like we’re totally not now!

We report to Constantin, who is looking even more sickly. He tells us to investigate this history with the Nauts and laments more about his daddy issues. He also says that I look too much like a native for it to be a coincidence which, at this point, fucking DUH. This opens the The Prince’s Secret questline.

Meanwhile, on the quest for panacea, I head back to the village where I freed the Alliance prisoners to talk to the chief. There’s several dialog options, since I didn’t go bloodbath when rescuing the prisoners, but there’s also a spying option. One way or another, I gain the information that I need to go to the village of Vigshadir in Frasoneigad to find the Tierna harch cadachtas. Siora knows how to get there.

Upon arriving, I’m told that this is one of the holiest sites on the island and I’m not welcome. Alas, I can’t continue the story while respecting that answer - I can insist forcefully or I can gain the villagers’ trust with a couple of fetch quests. Either way, I end up learning where the Tierna harch cadachtas can be found. I disturb her taking a nap with some salamanders. She’s not at all happy to see me, even when Siora speaks on my behalf. She sicks her salamanders on me and takes off; I have to kill them. I then follow her up a path to a root door that requires an offering to unlock. Siora suggests that it’s a seed; we go back to the village and talk her bodyguard into letting us into her house to poke around. I should mention that there’s a bunch of lootable stuff in her house, and the game doesn’t punish me in any way for taking it. I find the correct seed and we proceed through the root door to a maze that Siora says is SUPER SACRED. Nevertheless, I’m forced to kill a bunch of animals on my way through. I tried sneaking several times; due to bottlenecking, the animals always become hostile. Toward the end of the path, we also come upon an instantly hostile native man, who I am also forced to kill.

We come out on the other side of the maze in Credgwen, just in time to witness the tierna running from and being gunned down by an Alliance solider. Cradling a bullet wound to her abdomen, the soldier is poised to execute her with a pisol shot to the head when Nadaig Fresamen appears and throws him ass over head. The Tierna then tells Nadaig Fresamen to attack us, and I’m once again in a mandatory boss battle where I am forced by the narrative to kill a Nadaig. Once again it ends in a cutscene where I shoot the Nadaig in the head. I think maybe the game designers think this looks badass, instead of coldly sociopathic? The Tierna is visibly distraught, screaming and crying at what we’ve done. She’s about to attack us when she’s shot in the back by the Alliance Soldier, who then says a bunch of Evily McEvil things, then tries to fight us. Upon besting him, I get to either kill or spare him.

I kill the shit out of him.

We bring the very very wounded tierna back to her village, where she wakes up and tries to kill me (Siora calling her off). She explains that the panacea she made is to treat islanders who’ve escaped captivity from the Alliance; those who are captured are gruesomely tortured in the name of science. She suggests that the malichor might be a curse from En on mil frichtimen.

We take this news to Constantin. It is now super duper obvious that he is very sick.

Siora tells us who we need to talk to about En on mil frichtimen, Constantin tells us to do that.

I’m level 16 now.

I hop back to the other main questline, grabbing Petrus and Vasco to go to San Matheus and investigate the Nauts’ problems there. Go to talk to Bishop Domitius but am pulled into a cutscene where Mother Cornelia asks me to get back some sacred tablets that she thinks were stolen by island natives. Yeah, lady, I’ll get right on that. I talk to Bishop Domitius, who accuses the Nauts of being the origin of the malichor. I go to the docs to investigate the rumors. Long story short, the Nauts are fine and I shut down the Inquisition’s investigation of them. When I get back to my residence, there’s a letter asking me to come see some natives at the embassy. Because Native rep[resentation and Native storylines are pretty much all I care about in this game, I pause everything else to pursue that, bringing Siora and Petrus.

I meet with them in the woods, where they’re camped out with the body of an inquisitor they killed. Petrus greatly disapproves. We get some keys and a letter from them, learn that there’s a camp that Native captives are being brought to, and go to investigate the inquisitor’s house for more details. We rummage through his house, find another letter detailing the camp and a chest in the order headquarters. We also find a key to said chest. On our way out, we’re confronted by a bunch of ordo luminus thugs. I have the option to get Petus to talk them down, so I do.

We go back to the place where the natives are holed up and find we’ve been followed by inquisitors. Talk talk fight; we kill them. The natives thank us and say they’ll report this to queen Derdre. I’m now level 17.

I head back to Admiral Cabral to tell her about shutting down the Naut investigation. She tells me that the Nauts discovered the island 200 years ago, the congregation tried to colonize, a few bad apple lords got all tyrannical, and both the natives and thier own workers rebelled against them. The colony was destroyed and only a few survivors made it out. The princes of the congregation swept it all under the rug in humiliation. Then she drops the bomb that I’ve been waiting for the whole game: I am the product of a later Congregation expedition. I’m the child of a Native and was born on a Naut ship. So yeah, I’ve been playing as a stolen child divorced from my native culture this whole time. I’m just gonna leave this link here:

https://www.vox.com/2019/10/14/20913408/us-stole-thousands-of-native-american-children

I immediately go to demand answers from Constantin.

This is a major act shift; things I find out in the next string of cutscenes:

Constantin has the malichor and is totally dying.

Kurt comes in to warn us about a coup d’etat that’s in the works - the coin guard plants to take out all three governors and seize control of the island. Apparently if you haven’t followed his personal questline about abuse within the coin guard ranks, he betrays you at this time. I’ve been doing the companion quests all along but not commenting on ones that don’t involve natives.

After putting down the coup d’etat, I go back to Constantin to rally. We’re now in Act Two, and my main quests are as follows:

The Suffering of Constantin, where I have three leads - San Matheus, Hikmet, and Native.

The Trial of the Waters, where I need to go speak to Glendan.

So I head to Wenshaveye to talk to the healer there. The village is having problems with missionaries and with abruptly and violently aggressive tenlens - animals that are usually docile. The aggressive tenlen attacks started right about the same time the missionaries showed up. Hmm.

There’s an interlude here where I come upon a bunch of merchants fighting a Nadaig and for a brilliant moment I thought I could kill the merchants and save the Nadaig but no. It’s instantly hostile to me and I have to kill it. The killing of Nadaig in this game is treated as a neutral action, like killing wild animals.

So yeah turns out the missionaries brought a vicious white tenlen, holed it up in a cave, it was riling up the others, it killed two village kids who went into the woods to canoodle. I shut all that down, kicked the missionaries out, and was able to bring the healer to Constantin. Plot thread resolved! Let’s go see Glendan.

I can’t get in to see the council without having a seal proving that I’m the chosen representative of a current council member. Fetch quest time - literally I just have to go back and talk to Cadasach, the healer, and he hands me the seal I need. I presume it’s more involved if I’d chosen one of the other healing paths.

I talk to Glendan, he tells me I need to complete the trial of the waters, a new questline opens. Also, the next part of Siora’s questline - promises set in stone - opens. I drop everything and follow that because I’m kind of in love with Siora.

We head to her village and talk to the missionaries, they send us to go see the stone that the agreement was engraved on, we get there and fight a bunch of enemies, the stone is destroyed and we can’t read it. Time to go see the engraver, Caradeg. We get to his house to find it absolutely destroyed. The only clue is a stone bearing the mark of the Dunncas’ clan. So we head to Vigyigidaw. Dunncas tells us that they exiled Caradeg because he wanted to make war on the settlers. Have fun, bootlicker. On my way out of the village I’m snagged by a guy with a side quest; he wants me to get some settlers to stop preventing the clan from going into a sacred glade to replant trees that the settler clear cut. See sidequests for details on that.

Before doing Trial of the Waters, I decide to go check up on Eden and Father Iustinius, bringing Siora and Petrus.

Stolen tablets, lots of talk about how primitive and naive the natives are and how those who aren’t converted are obviously worshiping demons and that’s who must have stolen the tablets.

Siora comments that this place is horrifying, and wonders how the people could have tolerated the priests building continental-style buildings over the top of their village.

We go to talk to the theologians, then to Ler. Because I’m not awesome at Charisma, I’m left with no option except to threaten and bully my way into him giving me the name of an old woman, mother of one of the warriors who left the village. I lose re with both the natives at large and Siora personally. The old woman tells us where to find the exiles, and gives us hints on how to avoid traps and sneak in unseen. She implores us not to hurt her son.

We head for the exiles’ camp. I choose the option where I sneak in and don’t murder everyone, and the old woman meets us as we’re leaving and thanks us for that, saying she’s going to try and talk her son into finding a new clan. We head back to Eden.

They thank us for the tablets, are excited to set out a new expedition, the game tells me to wait 24 hours for the results. So I have to hike my ass to out camp, sleep 24 hours, and haul back to where I just was to find out that a party that went into the swamp ran afoul of…. something.

Siora points out that the survivor was obviously bitten by a poisonous swamp creature and that a local healer probably knows the remedy. We go talk to Ler again.

Ler tells us that the village doneigad is one of the exiles, but that the old woman we talked to earlier knows plants well. I’m pretty sure that if we’d murdered her son to death in the previous quest, she’d refuse to help us. Because we didn’t, she makes us a potion. The wounded guy wakes up and begs us to go and rescue his dumbass loser friends, so of course I do.

We’re going back to Vedvilvie, because of course we are.

We arrive at the camp, listen to both the ordo luminous guy and the research sister whine about how the other is mean/incompetant, and go to investigate the dig sites. We find a dude with a caved in skull who was clearly struck from behind with a mace, a guy who was killed to death by lewolans (big lizards), and a poor chump was was obviously stabbed to death before being fed to lewolans. Siora says it’s pretty clear that Mr Inquisition orchestrated this to frame the research lady. I agree. We go to confront him. Choices: Take a bribe and side with him, tell him to leave the expedition, expose his bullshit to everyone.

The ‘correct’ choice in the game is not to reveal his crimes before everyone, but to banish him. Because [Centrist.jpeg goes here]

We follow the path of San Matheus, come up against a nadaig magamen, murder it to death, and enter a cavern. Long story short, Saint Mat totally became a doneigad. He saw on en mil frichtimen as an extension of the concept of light and prayed to him. Also I found a bitchin’ set of holy armor. I put it on Petrus.

Theleme’s gonna be big mad. We head back to Eugenia to tell her, are confronted by Virgil and the Inquisition. He wants to destroy the relics and evidence that Sait Mat converted to the faith of the island, we kill him to death and go tattle to Mommy Cardinal. I push her to make the decision to reveal the truth to the masses, and to visit the cave herself.

Theleme is not, in fact, big mad.

Anyway, returning to the main questline.

So there’s two options through the cave of testing, bloodbath or sneak. I chose sneak. Touch a basin, have a vision, solve a very easy puzzle - just like the tree one from earlier.

There’s a Nadiag waiting, and the command prompt I have for it after solving the puzzle is ‘Tame’... yanno, like one does with an animal. Because indigenous people are fauna. Fucking gross.

I see a fresco depicting a spirit of the volcano. I go to talk to Glendan. He sends me to find the high king, who is missing. I need to see the rest of the high council: Derdre, Dunncas, Ullan. Guess it’s time to finally deal with the Ullan plotline. See side quests for details.

When I head back to Hikmet, I get a whole string of cutscenes because it’s been a while since I’ve been there - including one where I follow up with the islander rebellion. The governor asks me to parlay with the leaders of the rebellion, where I find out that the on ol menawi who the alliance have been kidnapping from villages have been taken to laboratories for experiments - where they have been tortured and killed. This lines up with all earlier accusations, and with that Hikmet dude who was trying to murder the tierna and me - he said they were going to dissect her. So yeah. I go to thier main camp, and fucking surprise, I was followed by Alliance soldiers who promptly stark attacking. I have two choices: fight alongside the natives or put an end to the rebellion. I, of course, fight on Team Native. I then proceed back to Hikmet to ask What The Entire Fuck, Sir? He denies knowing anything about natives being captured; he assures me that this lab is a medical research center. I declare that I”m gonna take a look at it myself.

I grab Aphra for this, and in the process agree to continue her personal questline. We ask the young apprentices about how to get into the Cave of Knowledge, which, I cannot state enough, IS A SACRED PLACE CLOSED TO OUTSIDERS. Only people who are becoming doneigad are supposed to go there. The narrative makes me. This happening, over and over, gives lie to the premise that the game allows you to make good or evil moral choices - that you can DECIDE to be a good guy or a bad guy. You can’t. You can either choose to violate the sacred spaces of the indigenous people or -not play this game-. There is no ‘Sit Aphra down and tell her that it is implicitly wrong to do this’ option.

So we go to the cave, it has a seed gate, we find some brigands who’ve murdered a native, they’re planning to dynamite thier way into the cave, we can talk them inot leaving or murder them to death, guess which one I chose just guess. We get the seed and enter the cave.

In the cave, we examine several frescoes; one depicts a ritual where, in a circle, someone is pouring blood on a stone in the presence of a Nadaig. Another depicts the same figure, but now marked as an on ol menawi. We then hear people coming and are prompted to hide, because being caught here would sure lose us the trust of the natives. Which we do not deserve at all, after this. The game prompts me to spy on the young people, which I do, listening in on thier conversation. When we leave the cave, Aphra says that clearly we need to spy on a whole, actual ritual. The game teases me with ‘accept’ or ‘refuse’, but the choice are actually ‘start the time now, or later’ - the story doesn’t allow me to ACTUALLY refuse. We show up, and Dunncas actually gives us permission to watch if we don’t interfere.

After the ritual, Alliance soldiers show up. We kill them to death. The chiefs thanks us for having been there. Aphra says we should look into Dr. Asili. So off to the lab we go.

I’m pretty sure, narratively, that I’m supposed to have stealthed my way through this. However, after seeing a pit of burning bodies and people in cages right as I entered, I just bloodbathed my way through. Also arrested the apprentices and killed the fuck out of Asili. Fun fact: Asili gave Constantin the malichor! Also me, but I’m resistant, since native and on ol menawi.

I return to talk to Constantin about the sanctuary and the Hikmet problem and everything and find that he’s gone on a journey with the doneigad healer and things have gone wrong. I set out after him. I follow combat signs and talk to Aiden in wenshaveye, then head to the alliance outpost. We catch up with a badly wounded and unconscious survivor, get him a potion, and then have to wait 24 hours. This is a repeated feature of the game an annoying as hell, because the only way to wait is to return to camp. When he’s awake he describes the attack; animals controlled by some kind of native sorcerer and fire and explosions. A native grabbed Constantin and ran off with him. We continue the investigation - I go to talk to Daren. Daren says that they weren’t behind the attack - no one would ever attack Catasach. Catasach is, btw, super dead. I examine the body. He was killed by something than can wield magma. Good times. Daren tells us there’s a ritual by which a doneigad can see the last moments of his life - only tierna can perform it. Good thing we saved her earlier…. From danger that we put her in….

So we head off to see tierna, and she readily agrees because I avenged her earlier. Pretty sure it would have taken more convincing if I’d let the dude who shot her live. One fetch quest to get spell components later, we’re able to perform the ritual.

Vinbarr did it.

I go to question Derdre, Ullan, or Duncas. The latter two have the best opinion of me, so I hit up Dunncas first. Dunncas tells me to go to Wennshavar. Folks there give me some backstory, tell me to find Cera at the cave of knowledge.

We come upon alliance folks torturing a native woman, presumably Cera. This bitch has a whole ass villian speech. I’m pretty sure she’s one of the people I saved with Aphra’s science team? Could just be a recycled face though. We run down to interrupt. Aphra wants to reason with her, Siora wants to kill her. Yep, it’s the science team I saved. I have several options here; fight them, use intuition to remind them I saved them, threaten them, or let Aphra speak. I choose to let Aphra speak more because I want to hear what she says than anything.

Aphra shames her and reminds her that they left Asili together because of his cruelty. She whines that Aphra knows she’s not REALLY like that, and stomps off like an angry toddler. No fight. Cera thanks us for saving her, leads us to the cave, and opens it for us.

Inside the cave we find a fresh new fresco; it shows Vinbarr going to talk to the spirit of the mountain. He’s gone to join En on mil frichtimen. We see another fresco depicting a nadaig meneimen - the bird/mountain form. Vinnbar’s gonna turn into one. We look at some other murals, I let slip that I’m looking for Constantin, Cera peaces out and seals us in the cave because she thinks we’re looking for Vinnbar on a vengeance quest. We find another way out. The path is now laden with traps because she doesn’t want to be followed. Sorry, Cera, that no one informed you that I am a protagonist and thus no one can prevail against me.

We go to the mountain passage depicted in the fresco, go through a cave maze, and find the mountain trail to the sanctuary. We meet up with Cera, who forces us to fight her. We snag a seed from her body after killing her and her folks to death. Which the game offered no way out of doing. Now we have both seeds and can open the sanctuary. We scamper through some scenic vista and arrive to find Vinnbar burying Constantin with rocks using telekinesis. He says the on en mil frichtimen told him constantine is the bringer of doomtimes. Now we have to have a boss fight. Partway through, he transforms into a nadaig. We continue fighting andf kill him to death.

I sure do murder a lot of nadaig in this game.

We return Constantin to New Serene and I’m pretty sure this is the break into act 3… Catasach made Constantin on ol menawi and he is stoked about it. He has branch antlers and pointy teeth and yellow eyes and feels great. I am concerned.

Time to go talk to Glendan again.

I lose three rep with the natives over, yanno, having murdered their high king to death. I now have to go and talk to the three potential high kings and gain the support of one of them - Derdre, Dunncas, or Ullan. Of those three, Dunncas is the only one who hasn’t tried to murder me or betrayed my trust so… off to Dunncas. His agenda is balance and healing. He easily agrees to let me see en on mil frichtimen if he’s chosen, and tells me how to make sure that he is - if I get a spectacular ancient crown from the grave of the high king that became the first guardian. He expresses distaste for using such a method. Siora is also worried about me making a decision that will impact all of her people. Gotta say that I agree, I have absolutely no place being involved in this decision at all - let’s see if the narrative lets me opt out of meddling! I go to see the other two candidates and hear out their agendas, out of fairness.

Ullan’s agenda is peace and alliance with the colonizers. He also readily agrees to help me.

Derdre wants to repel the colonists and take back the island. She says she’ll let me see en on mil frichtimen only if I rally Eseld/Siora’s tribe and join in the attack on the Ordo Luminous camp. Which, morally, I am absolutely all for. However, it seems like the game is heavily leaning on Dunncas as ‘the right choice’.

But yeah, fuck it, I’m backing Derdre all day long. Lets fuck up some Spanish Inquisition!

I have the option to inform the mother cardinal of the coming attack. Why the entire fuck would I do that?

So I destroy the fuck out of the camp and murder a bunch of inquiition torturers and free the surviving prisoners and gather evidence of war crimes. Then I go to mommy cardinal, who is big mad (Theleme -2 rep) that I didn’t tell her first. Boo. Fucking. Hoo.

Having done that, no there is no way to proceed in the questline without retrieving the crown, which involved murdering a Nadaig Magamen. I get the crown, and Derdre meets me there and rebukes me for entering a sacred place, trying to take the crown and throw the election, as an outsider. She is 100% correct. I give her the crown.

I wait two days and then go see en on mil frichtimen, who tells me that the malichor is the result of how the continental people treat their land. I’d like to pause here and talk about the role of Magical Natives in Green Aesop stories. Let’s review some tropes:

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CloserToEarth

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InHarmonyWithNature

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MagicalNativeAmerican

This some some colors of the wind / Avatar’s blue cat people bullshit, the idea that indigenous people are implicitly and intrinsically more -one with the earth- and that ‘modern civilization’ has lost this, to their detriment, and can only heal through <s>cultural appropriation</s> learning and adopting deep earthy truths known by indigenous people. The point of this in the story is to tell a Green Aesop - https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GreenAesop - it sets a paradeigm of indigenous people being the noblest of noble savages - https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NobleSavage - of indigenous people as a simpler, greener form of humanity. It’s othering. I’ve written a lot about this in the past, check out my post about woo: https://moniquill.tumblr.com/post/32577796262/the-following-is-a-post-about-woo

This particular brand of othering of indigenous people directly and personally fucked me up, as an indigenous person, when I was a kid. That could be why I have a personal grudge against it.

Moving along.

en on mil frichtimen alo tells me that Constantin is the bringer of doom times, and that Catasach essentially stole power from the island to keep him alive. I need to put a stop to his endless bitter hateful hunger. So yeah, that’s a thing. I go check up on my dear cousin.

When I show up, emissaries from the alliance and theleme are there begging Constantin for troops and also me; they’re suffering horrible attacks on their outposts and people. They’re blaming the natives. I mean, to be fair I did just crown queen Derdre Kill ‘Em All so….just saying. But moving on, I talk to Constantin about the sanctuary. He...doesn’t react well to the warnings about himself. When I ask him about his body with the island, it sure does seem like he got high on apotheosis and wants another hit. He doesn’t believe that the malichor on the continent is the fault of the continentals.

My main quest lines are now

The attack on San Matheus

The attack on Hikmet

And honestly fuck both those places because both of them were running torture camps but whatever, I guess I’m off to investigate.

Mommy Cardinal over in San Mateus wants me to hit up an outpost that’s being attacked relentlessly by wild animals. Speculation is that ‘island demons’ are controlling them.

Governor Burhan says the same thing’s happening to his folks.

Upon checking it out, the islanders are also being attacked; the animals are attacking indiscriminately, and while having that conversation a guy bursts in to say the guardian of the village (a nadaig glendemen) has turned on his people. So we kill it to death in a boss fight and it’s revealed that the corrupted nadaig was causing the animals to be killrabid. Now that it’s dead, the animals are back to normal.

Samesies over near San Matheus.

A human must be responsible, the creatures wouldn’t be so coordinated otherwise.

Is it my cousin? I bet it’s my cousin.

We go talk to Constantin.

He says ‘ha ha ha nothing to worry about….peace out, my adorable cousin!’ and takes off to parts unknown. I shake down his guards, but all they can tell me is that he’s going north outside the city. I rummage through his papers, and find his journal. Yeeeeah he’s super high on apotheosis and wants to become a god. Like, supplant and replace on en mil frichtimen. And he’s off to ‘get rid of’ some natives in Cwenvar who saw him the other night and might denounce his actions. I’m gonna have to take out my cousin by the end of this game and it will be a tearjerker cutscene. Calling it now.

We head to Cwenvar to talk to the natives. They show me how to spy on Constantin. We follow him to a sacred grove, where he’s clearly gone cuckoo bananas. He’s commanding a corrupted nadaig, which he tells to hold us back - but not kill me. SO we kill the nadaig, and then have a chat with on en mil frichtamen, who confirms that Constantin is trying to gain godhood by murdering god and taking his power. Yanno, as one does. In a cutscene, I list all the people who will totally help me against Constantin. This includes… pretty much everyone, because I’ve diplomatted my way through the game and everyone likes me. Time to go rally armies.

It’s worth noting at this time that on en mil frichtamen calls me ‘flesh of my earth’ and earliet called me ‘the child that was stolen’ - there’s a very ‘YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE’ vibe here, implying that I’m only able to succeed at this task because I’m native by blood - I’m not REALLY a continental and thus a Tainted Person made of Endless Greed. It is my native-ness and my bond to on en mil frichtamen, passed down from my donegiad parent, that allows me to be the hero of this game.

I want you, dear reader, to stop and think about the gross racial implications of that.

Moving forward: We go to ask Dunncas for help in how to break Constantin’s links to the land. He gives me seeds to place at the base of the stone Constantin has erected, to topple them. I have to fight a corrupted Nadaig each time. At this interval Siora points out how wise and attuned to en on mil frichtimen Dunncas is, and I express regret at not choosing him to be high king. TOO SUBTLE, GAME.

So yeah, couple of tedious boss fights.

Having broken his links and gathered my allies, it’s time for the endgame. We go back to the sacred grove where I talked to en on mil frichtimen, I get a series of heartwarming cutscenes with my companions and allies as I ascend to Constantine’s heart stronghold.

I reach Constantin. I have to fight a big bad ultra nadaig, which Constantin tells not to kill me.

He has a long cutscene in which he pleads his case, asking me to bond with him and rule together. I can either bond with him and join him in godhood, which is implied to doom all of humanity to eventually succumb to the malichor because no land can ever be healed now, or I can kill him and save the world like a big damned hero.

Then Mr. deCourcillion narrates the epilogue, where I get to hear about the consequences of all my decisions through the game. My decision to crown Derdre results in forcible decolonization of the island and healing thereof, but the old world nations are plunged into war and the malichor gets worse there. Am I supposed to feel bad? I don’t!

In the ‘best’ ending, Magical Native Healers travel to the continent and teach the sad tained continentals how to live in harmony with nature and heal their lands.

Here, have an every possible ending video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcUByGfNXgY

Know what weirds me out as an actual indigenous person? Learning that I’m a stolen child way back in Act 1 never resulted in a quest where I in any way question or explore my real ancestry. I never try to find out what clan my real mother was from or if I have any living relatives. I never look into why the Congregation abducted my mother and why I was raised by Princess De Sardet. The game just feels that this is unimportant. The important thing was that I have Magical Native Blood.

So yeah. That’s the game.

In studying the fandom presence of this game, roughly no one is interrogating the fuckedness of the premise or narrative. The active fandom seems to be mostly people who want to bang Vasco, people who think Constantin is a sad wooby who deserved better (including a lot of people who chose the ‘bad’ ending because they wub himb) and people who want to bang Constantin and justify it because he and De Sardet aren’t REALLY cousins… and people who are just here for The Aesthetic. Fun fact there are exactly 12 F/F fics on a03 set in this universe.

Here, have some examples, all from https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/GREEDFALL and https://archiveofourown.org/tags/GreedFall%20(Video%20Game)/works

https://destiny-rahl.tumblr.com/post/616743783790460928/constantin-de-sardet-my-beloved-otp-this

https://swiveldiscourse.tumblr.com/post/615782041344147456/not-sure-who-needs-to-hear-this-but-this-game

https://totallyamoral.tumblr.com/post/615651870535532545

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20766497/chapters/49345631

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20676554/chapters/49106921

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20747450

Lots of people compared this game to Dragon Age: Inquisition when it first came out because the gameplay looks similar. But here’s the thing… the first time I finished DA:I, I immediately wanted to turn around and play it again, as a different character, as someone who made different decisions and followed a different romance and brought different companions with me on quests to see their different reactions.

I do not want that with Greedfall.

My first thought upon fisnishing was ‘Oh thank fuck, I’ve seen this to fruition, I don’t have to play this anymore.’

That is not how I should feel at the end of a game.

I feel tired and broken and hurt and used, much like I felt after reading Sister Raven.

https://moniquill.tumblr.com/post/165881710831/so-today-i-read-a-book-called-sister-raven

Native-specific sidequests of note:

In An Aspiring Merchant, you meet a native merchant in New Serene who’s trying to set up shop; because he doesn’t have the correct paperwork and didn’t follow the bureaucratic process, his stuff keeps getting confiscated. I do not have any opportunity to explore why his lack of paperwork gets his stuff repeatedly confiscated, rather than just getting him sent home.

While I’m getting the paperwork for him, his cousin arrives with a shipment of goods. The guards confiscate the goods again, and arrest the cousin. I go to investigate, and find that cousin threw some punches when the guards once again confiscated all of the goods, and was arrested for disorderly conduct. Ok. So I proceed to the jail and find that he has been sent to fight -to the death- in the arena?! When the prison guard says ‘Hey, it wasn’t me, I was just following orders’ I’m not given an opportunity to ask who’s giving the orders or pursue the miscarriage of justice. I head to the Arena. Despite being a Legate, one of the highest governing offices of the colony, I have no option to put a stop to these shenanigans. I can’t just spring him, or pay bail; I am required to fight beside him to secure his freedom.

Completing this quest opens the Ullan/Vignamri questline.

Ullan wants to trade with Hikmet, Hikmet wants us to secure the roads, we visit another chieftain, he agrees to a meeting, Ullan shows up and shanks him, I shout at Ullan about how that was bad to do, Ullan thanks me for giving him the opportunity.

In Logging Expedition, I follow up on the quest hook about settlers clear cutting a glade that I got in vigyigidaw. Standoff between the natives and the settlers, natives want to plant trees, settlers won’t let them. Three settler woodcutters died recently - after investigation there was a conspiracy to poison them by an elder in vigyigidaw - my character refers to this as an act of vengeance by a hateful old man. Despite having literally just had it explained to us that it was supposed to be an object lesson in why not to clearcut the forest - the meat would have been fine if it had been prepared with a particular (possibly now extinct?) berry.

So we pop all the way down to the congregation colony to ask Mr. Courcillon how to diplomacy this ‘property disagreement’. He tells us to go to the basement archives and then see Lady Morange. Just from a gameplay perspective, this - like many sidequests - is fucking tedious. Just running from one place to another, grabbing a few lines of dialog in each place, with no player decision or engagement. This is a poorly designed game. So we hash out the contract, which was created back where neither side had any understanding of the other side’s ideas of what land ownership means. Manhattan was bought for 60 guilders worth of glass beads, etc etc. https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/12657/was-manhattan-really-bought-24

We have to prosecute the old man for murder if we want a new land deal signed. To prosecute the old man, we have to go stop a mining operation. It’s just one thing after another, and all of it boring and tedious. I had to stop in the middle of this questline and put the game down not because it was upsetting, but because it was -boring-. I hope that the readers appreciate the work I’m putting into making a detailed critique of this garbage fire.

#Greedfall #NDN stuff #Indigenously Angry #Clusterfuck #NDN #Colonialism: The Game

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chazukekani · 5 years ago

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Analysis - The Bird’s Cage

In my opinion, the chapters of Sunday Tragedy is going to explore the theme of ‘THINKING’. As Fyodor mentioned before: ‘People honestly, simply, wrongly assume “I think so myself”’ in Chapter 42. This is probably my favourite line so far, not because it is an inspiring and alerting quote to me personally, but also hint the morale of Fyodor and the DoA. For me, the Decay of Angels shares a same or similar set of belief or mortal, which allow them to conduct the terrorist plot afterwards, that’s why I think the issue of ‘independent thinking’ or ‘freedom’ is something that drive the DoA members together, and allow them to pursue their own utopia.

In Chapter 58.5, Gogol once said humans are as if birds, where ‘a bird born in a cage doesn’t notice that it’s a prisoner, without knowing that it’s crippled’. That’s why Gogol wishes to become a bird in the sky and fly freely. There is some details that worth mentioning is that, when Gogol first met Atsushi in the mansion, the bird is crippled inside a cage; yet when Gogol was ‘cut’ into two separate pieces, there is no birds in the cage anymore. It makes me wonder whether DEATH is the ultimate way to liberate people’s thinking afterall? I think we have to see how Asagiri-sensei interprets it.

My school teacher once asked my class what is a difference between computers and humans, and I still remembered that one of my classmates answered ‘consciousness’. Indeed, humans are proud of being able to think critically, and believe that our own views are always objective and accurate. . Yet, that is exactly the proud has blinded us, and it makes us unable to aware the cage that locked us. We always believe with our eyes, and perceive our experience as facts, and all the argument made on top of facts are definitely non-partisan, but can we actually prove things we witness as objective? We cannot. Therefore, this sentence expressed by Gogol is somehow echoing with Fyodor’s line that I mentioned above - ‘People honestly, simply, wrongly assume “I think so myself”’. No wonder Gogol thinks Fyodor is the one who can understand him.

Gogol’s statement above is somehow supported by the development of the plot. For example, when The Book is activated and defamed the Agency as terrorist, soldiers already perceived the ADA as the culprit by mere evidence and personal testimony.

Although readers like us - who has God’s point of view towards the story - to think ‘that’s obvious that the ADA aren’t terrorist!!’, yet how many people is able to see through everything in the reality? Similar analogy can be spotted in [The Republic] by Plato (The Cave Analogy).

A little bit of context her, the Cave Analogy talks about there was once a group of people living in a cave back in the ancient times. The only source of light inside the cave was a torch of fire. People were tied on the wall of the cave by metal chains, so they could not turn their body. Those people could not see the torch, but only relying on others transporting objects through the central aisle of the cave. Thus, they could only observe the object through the projection via the torch, but never be able to see the actual object itself. Then on one day, a man managed to leave the cave. The man felt so sick under the dazzling sun, but he still to overcome the pain and adopted to it. When he went back to the cave, he wanted to share his experience to his friends who had never left the cave. Yet he found that the cave was all dark ,and people teased, laughed and feared his insane experience outside the cave. At last, Plato wrote that the man would be killed. (Extracted from the Book VII of The Republic)

Isn’t it similar? The people who stay inside cage/cave were indoctrinated with certain beliefs and doctrines, and never question them. Although we are able to witness the actual objects in reality, is it the truth? The same argument can be applied to my previous analysis on Ranpo. [quote] So it is quite ironic, but well-calculated for Asagiri to put forward Gogol’s point amid the arrest of the innocent Agency in order to portrait the dilemma of facts and truths.

Analysis - Chapter 79

For me, it is like a debate between ‘divine’ and ‘human nature’. Liberalists believe that humans are able to learn from experiences, and act rationally, and this fits with Dazai’s general perception towards humanity. So I think Kamui, along with the Decay of Angels, may see themselves as the executioner on behalf of God, and to bring ‘good deeds’, and to restore the order of the world. While Dazai’s belief of human nature, has to counter the war, and lead by Atsushi, in order to demonstrate the central message that needs to be conveyed by Asagiri Kafka.

Another short point that worth mentioning is that, characters such as Dazai and Fyodor supposed to be the one who stay outside the cage/cave (in terms their state of mind). When they are discussing plots in the prison, the security guards look horrify about Dazai and Fyodor’s conversation because they could not understand. It also echos with Plato’s description towards the man who get outside the cave, because the man was feared by his friends when he get back to the cave. Therefore, people who has outstanding ability and vision could be welcoming to others, like Dazai; and could not seemed as terrified to others as well, like Fyodor. I will illustrate the similarities and differences between them in the next analysis, but you can tell that the the storyline and character development are always connected and related with each other.

I think the ‘Cage Analogy’ will be crucial in illustrating the main morale of the Decay of Angeles. Since the Cannibalism Arc, we can see that humans’ weaknesses and fear has been manipulated on their hands. It is thus crucial for ADA to acknowledge and distinguish the truth and uphold their morale in order to counter the DoA. Perhaps DoA is portrayed as the villain nowadays, but given that Gogol has a direct conversation without protagonist - Atsushi - I believe that the competition between two organisations will change in the future.

#bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd nikolai gogol #bsd fyodor

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dungeons-and-divination · 4 years ago

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Oath of REDEMPTION PALADIN - Draconblood DRAGONBORN - Prisoner

I don’t necessarily have a love for paladins despite how much my characters usually end up being “spiritual”. But I gotta admit, I was kinda fascinated by what came out from his story and I wouldn’t mind playing him myself at all. I hope you all enjoy him just as much.

NAME: Zral’thid Benorax (52yo)

TAROTS

Mind: Knight of pentacles (upright) I wasn’t really expecting to get a card with so many positive traits linked to a character with that kind of background. Apparently Zral’thid has always been a person of common sense and practicality, someone that believes that honest hard work is the way to truly achieve your dreams. It made me wonder how he even got imprisoned in the first place, but don’t worry, you’ll found out about it later. I still had from this immediately the feeling that because of his very determined and loyal nature, he probably was doing something related to protecting other people most likely. It also seems like his time in prison made him even more committed to the kind of person he used to be though, like instead of breaking him, Zral’thid found purpose in the punishment. Very noble intents indeed then somewhere in there.

Body: Five of wands (reversed) This card just confirmed that impression that there was some kind of struggle that Zral’thid had to live through. It was something deep in his mind and spirit, so much so that he felt physically ill at times. Till he just exploded and did something rush, totally contrasting his practical nature. It seems his time in jail was enough for him to find peace and harmony once again. Where others might have surrendered to despair, he found a new balance, like I already mentioned, in his focus for order. I do feel like he also probably came to a solution to the dilemma that made him end up in jail in the first place, even if maybe it wasn’t necessarily a solution he wanted at first or particularly liked.

Spirit: Page of swords (upright) The tarot are being very good to me with all these confirmations of my impression going on here. Indeed, Zral’thid found a balance between his protective nature and the need to be patient, to wait for the right moment to act. He’s more vigilant, but he’s still the same man that doesn’t like injustice and always tries to be fair to people. He will always be inquisitive, on the hunt for the truth and a stickler to rules, but he’s also well aware that the justice system isn’t always right nor fair. All in all, he has this tormented, wise, loner vibe to him, but deep inside he’s just an overprotective bear that prefers to use words to defend people instead of a sword because of his oath.

Past: Eight of cups (reversed) So, I had already pretty much a good idea of what Zral’thid’s “past” tarot could have in store for him. I was not surprised when a card that expresses a deep discomfort with the status quo came up, then. I knew that he’d been kind of struggling with something but at the same time his instinct to follow the rules was probably holding him back from acting of whatever the problem was. Yet, this card adds a layer of fear for the uncertainty that lies within the change that his actions might have brought were he to actually succeed. I felt like I needed to clear a bit where this fear might have come from, and the deck gave me a Four of swords reversed. Which made me even more confused for a moment. Then I remembered that one of the meanings of this card is losing faith, and I can see him crumbling under the pressure of whatever situation he was dealing with and losing the righteous path he’d been following, especially if he felt like there was a lack of support or deceitfulness around him. Maybe not a lack of faith in his deity, but on something else then.

Present: Six of cups (upright) It just makes sense that after that big hit from the “past” tarot he gets something related to nostalgia of better times. Yet, Zral’this is well aware that he remembers them as good times cause he did not know, at the time, of the deceitfulness around him. So, like I said previously, despite his facade of the loner wolf, he actually craves the company of a new family so that he can leave behind that homesickness for a home that he knows he doesn’t belong to anymore. Very, very fitting indeed.

Future: Four of pentacles (reversed) I’m so happy that this is the last tarot for him. A hopeful ending after such a hard life is just what Zral’this deserves honestly. So, I really hope that he in fact has the chance to let go of the past, that he stops regretting not being able to do more for his people. But especially, that he realizes that he absolutely can’t control what happens to others, and that he can only do so much to save the world when it crumbles around him. As a general suggestion on how to play him, I’m pretty sure I said enough already, but in case it wasn’t obvious, I’d say have him be slow to trust the people in the party, especially those that like to lie a lot. He’s not necessarily gonna be confrontational with them; actually, he’s probably just gonna be quiet most of the time. Just, I imagine him being able to open up at first only with those that are more open and friendly with him in the first place.

FULL BACKSTORY

Zral’this was born in the house of family friends. By the time he was born, his father, Galxer, had already been executed for treason and his mother, Praam’teth, was still a member of the same rebellion group his father had been part of. It wasn’t long after his birth before his mother had to flee the Realm and leave him behind to avoid being executed herself. (The rebellion was trying to get rid of the people that had forcibly taken power of the Realm he was born into.) With no other family left to raise him and none of his mother’s friends left in town to help him (since they all were put to death or had to go into hiding), Zral’this ended up in an orphanage, where he was raised to despise his own family and believe in the laws of the new established power. It wasn’t a happy childhood, but the orphanage was basically a preparatory school before he was allowed to join a true military academy. So it was pretty much a given that when he reached the right age he started to train to become part of the Realm’s army. Being part of the military, despite how unimportant he was all in all, made Zral’this have a taste of the corruption he had vague memories of his mother and her friends talking about it all before he “moved” to the orphanage. Despite how much Zral’this hated himself for doing it, he started giving information of what he overheard to someone that approached him once they recognized him as Praam’s son and they presented themselves as an old friend of his mother. It wasn’t long before Zral’this was found out for giving information to a newly reformed rebellion group. Despite his crime, it was decided that he was just to spend some time in jail instead of being put to death, in hopes that he would see his mistakes and return to his service of the Realm. Apparently, one of his superiors saw some potential in him and believed he could make a good general out of him, with enough time. In prison, Zral’this had time to reflect on how wrong he had been to trust the Realm; just because the people in it had shown some mercy in raising him, it didn’t mean that everything they did was right. Actually, it was mainly the contrary. He’d just been a pawn, like many others before him and many more would become if nothing changed. With that realization, came the calling of a greater purpose, the growing knowledge that sometimes the better course of action is in fact not action, but waiting for the right moment or the right word placed in front of the right person. But most of all, he wanted redemption, not for himself, but for the people he hurt while following a leader that aimed only to hurt and manipulate their people instead of serving them. So, Zral’this promised himself, and the god that started to guide him, that he would make the world a less violent place with each world he uttered once he got released from jail.

SUGGESTION CORNER

Suggested features Ability scores: High Charisma and Strength, Low Constitution (I know, I don’t really think a lot of players would actually do this. Cause it’s not really a good thing to do mechanic wise. But sometimes you gotta do these things just for the sake of it. It was my first instinct.) Skill proficiencies: Athletics, Religion; replace Deception from the Prisoner Background with Persuasion (discuss it with your DM, obviously). Gaming set proficiencies: Cards or Chess Other: his Ex-Convict feature can seem a little bit in conflict with his backstory. But it’s actually not. Once again, a little bit of rephrasing, and everything is fixed. Instead of knowing people that accept bribes or having a chance to find shelter with criminals, he knows guards that are lenient because they don’t really like the people in power, or he might have an idea of where to look for groups of rebels that are organizing uprisings against tyrannical people in power. Give it a little bit of a flavor with the help and approval of your DM.

Suggested Characteristics Trait: I hoard information, you never know what may come in handy. Ideal: I never betray those who trust me. Bond: I will not rest while others suffer fates similar to mine. (This is referencing unjust imprisonment and unjust laws.) Flaw: I hate lying. If the choice is between dying and lying, I just might choose dying.

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elmidol · 4 years ago

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Damage of the Spirit

Three Blind Tooke Part Three Death is an Art

Read on AO3

Warnings: war and loss

Three Blind Tooke

Part Three: Death is an Art

Chapter Fifty: Damage of the Spirit

Of the million ways there are to die,

There is one that scares me above the rest.

It’s by losing the good in my life,

And knowing all the sacrifices were useless.

The ironic thing in regards to surviving an encounter with the enemy is that it opens the door to questions as to how death had not taken you. Navrin was in the same position. Those in the Resistance were visibly and vocally disappointed that the mission had resulted in failure. Debriefing had taken an equally hostile mood as the temporary alliance with the Order of Ren had been discussed. It was foolishness, you thought; catching glances at the face of General Organa proved that she harbored similar sentiments. That situation, the moment that the Order of Ren had arrived, was nothing that could have been completely salvaged. Phasma would remain alive in all likelihood had the alliance not been formed. What troubled your superiors more was that Kylo had been allowed to see and use the device Rose had created. A thread of guilt coiled inside of you. Nothing too large, and much the same as what you had felt at the time that this particular piece had occurred. Those in the Resistance would not learn the full truth. They only caught snippets. Distortions of the truth were quick to form.

Even your mother expressed her agreement with the punishment that you received. Benched again.

None of them knew that you had agreed to carry a message from Kylo Ren to Rey and Finn. That message was not something you had yet shared. Master Skywalker could sense that there was something you were holding back. He approached you thrice since you had returned. As best you could, you ensured that what left your lips were white lies rather than something more twisted. General Organa met with you once as well. Their intuition did not fail them. To know if that was an attribute of the Force or something of their personalities, that left you quiet and in a state of pondering after they left you alone each on each of those occasions.

When at long last you did manage to get Rey alone, out of earshot of others, it had been just past a standard week since your return. You had spent time in the interim mentally repeating the message so that you did not forget a single portion of it. The risk that you would muddle things and thus cause more damage had left you feeling rather nauseated dozens of times. It was why you wanted to speak with Rey alone. She would be able to relay the message to Finn; you knew that she would discuss it with him, that much was written on her face the second you had started speaking. An audience of one ensured fewer interruptions. Less questions. You also felt that mentioning the bond she had with Kylo put her on the spot. It wasn’t something she had wanted. It was different than the bond she had with you or with Finn. The latter bonds were of warmth, of familiarity and camaraderie. The former was power.

The tinges of personal touch to the bond between Kylo and Rey stemmed from their joining forces during battles. The death of Snoke, that subsequent throne room fight was clear in your mind. The time together on Naboo.

Through the bond, you felt the interest in Rey rising alongside the conflict. She was torn between remaining loyal to the Resistance and loyal to herself by nurturing the good she had seen in Kylo Ren. Those Maker-forsaken glimpses that also explained why Leia failed to give up completely on her son.

Rey cupped her hands against her shin while tilting back her head to stare up at the sky, which was mostly obscured by the trees surrounding the pair of you. This was one of the training grounds she had set up for herself on this base. At times Finn joined her here, however he had a preferred spot of his own and had also been going on more missions with Luke. You did not know their exact nature.

“He still wants to rule,” Rey said. You murmured your agreement. That was part of the dilemma you encountered whenever you thought of a true alliance between the Resistance and Order of Ren. Kylo would wish to rule, the same as always. He felt that his power elevated his importance in comparison with everyone else in the galaxy. “I don’t know what the Resistance wants when this war ends. Peace. We all want that. To be free from tyranny. But I’ve become a part of something so...so large and beyond myself. I lived on Jakku. I didn’t worry about things like the laws in the New Republic. The senators on Hosnian Prime. I know they did a lot of good.”

“But?”

“But to hear how they turned their back on Leia when…” She shook her head. “I don’t know who my parents are. What if they don’t live up to what others in the Resistance think is acceptable? Does that mean I have no place when the war is over, when some new set of senators begin to help govern our galaxy?”

The big questions that were not often voiced. You had believed that you had issues to sort out when the fighting ended. You had started to worry about feeling misplaced, but you at least had your mother. Rey’s family was the Resistance. The same with Finn. Two Force sensitives that were at long last learning who they were simultaneous to being shaped into soldiers. The Jedi had been viewed as the keepers of the peace until they weren’t. Would they have the same fate now?

Rey had turned her head to watch you. Her eyes roamed along your face before dropping down to your hands. You shifted those limbs closer to your stomach. She spoke again, this time to bring up the fact that you had been benched after returning from your captivity. There remained numerous members of the Resistance that did not trust you, that would never trust you. That was quite possibly the fate that awaited her when the war ended. Alienation, isolation. Sure, they viewed her as a symbol for hope now...but how quickly that could change. Which was one of the reasons she feared her own powers. Feared doing the wrong thing. Delivering this message from Kylo Ren, you had hoped, would erase some of that. Now you wondered if she wouldn’t fear her powers more.

“My father trained me...in small ways...ever since I was little. He feared that the war wasn’t over. That another would begin. He also made sure that I had fun. And I think…” You chewed on your bottom lip, toying with how you wanted to phrase things. You did not want to come off as being cruel or insensitive. “For you, it’s been only war and survival. Then this new power. It’s hard enough to settle down and find life off the battlefield when you’ve been doing it for years, but for you, it’s more. Let me tell you, I’m no stranger to politics. No matter what you choose, there is going to be someone disappointed. We have to do the best we can. That’s all we can do.”

Another stretch of silence followed your words. You found yourself leaning into Rey, your shoulder and hers touching. As much as the pair of you were bonding with your allies, the feeling of alienation persisted. There was only so much to be done that allowed you to integrate yourselves with the group. Like Navrin, you and Rey had fought alongside Kylo Ren. Those missions wherein you had eliminated targets that were benefiting off the war without choosing sides, that now held a tinge of irony. The difference was that you wanted the war to end, whereas they had not. Death helped to fill their pocketbooks.

“It didn’t feel wrong,” Rey said. You wondered if her thoughts had strayed into the same territory of their own accord, or if the bond you shared had influenced things. “If he hadn’t fallen, maybe we would have still come together to fight as equals, side by side.”

The wind rustled your hair along with the leaves of the trees. Tilting back your head, you peered up at the slivers of sky that showed through the foliage. There were no visible clouds. No obvious threat of precipitation. Some beings looked to the sky for answers when they faced such important choices. Being stuck at a crossroads resulted in a heavy sensation of helplessness. It caused one’s stomach to roil and nausea to creep inside. Rey, too, had started to place both of her hands on her stomach. Her eyebrows were knitted towards one another while her lips pressed more tightly together.

Both of you were waiting for the other to make the decision, to be able to follow the other’s lead. The two options that had been presented were equally dangerous. Join the enemy in the hopes that together a balance could be discovered. That he would relinquish some of the darkness and hunger for power that he possessed. On the other hand, reject that enemy and hope that the battles would result in victories for the Resistance. And, afterwards, that you would both escape persecution for the choices that had been made along the way. For Rey possessing abilities in the Force.

No one knew that Kylo had used his abilities to heal you, not even Rey. For some reason you had been unable to bring yourself to broach the subject. Even now, while she was torn, your tongue remained still. You held your breath then forced yourself to push on, to tell her. The young woman beside you avoided looking at you as the words tumbled out of your mouth. She had to be wondering why you hadn’t told her this to begin with. Or she knew why, and there was some bitterness in her because of it. She had to know that you did not want to encourage her to join Kylo, to see that he was sincere in his efforts to dabble in the Light side.

“You don’t want me to go to him, do you?” she asked. Her voice was guarded, and she did not look your way even now.

You huffed out a sigh. “In the future, maybe. But right now? Pretty words… Small acts. He’s done it before. What he’s talking about, what he’s proposing, is huge. And I… Rey, my relationship with Kylo is complicated. I can’t hope that he will let the Resistance members survive based on how he treats me. To him, that’s separate. He is wanting you and Finn to join specifically. I don’t know what he intends for the others.”

This time as you talked, Rey did look at you. She watched the way your expression changed with each sentence. She took notice of the pain that was etched on your countenance. You were feeling just as torn. Wanting to push for a reality wherein Kylo and Ben, the ideas of both, the monster and the man, were one. The reality of gray that could never erase the darkness he had brought into the world, but did not have to be defined by that darkness. Because, in the end, Kylo and Ben were the same person. Not Ben the idea. Or Kylo the true self. The two halves. Someone who was power hungry yet equally capable of compassion.

“I don’t know what I should say to Finn.” Yet more sentiments that you shared. It was more difficult for you to approach him than Rey. Not only because of the bond you had with Rey, but due to Finn’s history with the First Order and Kylo Ren. You felt sick thinking of the injury to his back. “Master Skywalker is on a mission. I need to tell Finn before he returns.” You could at the very least help her arrange for that. Distract Poe. Dameron would be touchy when it came to Kylo Ren, and you could not say as you blamed him. He had been tortured by the man.

The amount of missions in the process had increased following Phasma’s demise. It did not take a genius to know that Supreme Leader Hux would react poorly; the woman had been one of his key enforcers, one of his oldest allies. He would retaliate. Preventing as much damage as possible was an undertaking of individuals such as Master Skywalker, who could do a lot on his own. Skilled pilots like Poe Dameron also were frequently on the move. Dameron had returned not long ago, and already he was slated for another mission. Truth be told, you were lowkey jealous. Having something to do by ensuring Rey could speak with Finn, that was something to keep you busy, to keep you moving. You felt useful.

Your thoughts shifted towards Navrin. The pair of you had been sending knowing glances to the other whenever you crossed paths, which had not been frequent. The superior members of the Resistance hierarchy were working to keep you apart. If a decision was reached wherein Rey and Finn wanted to join with Kylo, you already knew that you would locate Navrin to ensure he had an equal chance to make such a choice. It was his connection with Rey that had made him leave Kylo in the first place.

On that note, you did understand the Resistance’s reluctance to welcome him. Yet that was their flaw. Welcoming him could further give him a reason to fully adhere to their cause. To join them in full. That wasn’t going to happen. Which, in turn, had you knowing why the idea of the Order of Ren and Resistance uniting on a larger scale seemed so impossible. Trust was earned. It had already been damaged, the potential almost nonexistent.

That doesn’t mean we just give up hope, you told yourself. We allow him a chance to prove he is sincere.

In the meantime, you would work to rebuild the trust among your fellow Resistance members. None of whom were the ones that you had trained with when you had joined the splinter cell. Those allies were all dead, most of them murdered by Kylo. You squeezed your eyes closed to will away those memories. You would never deny the past, but you could not live in it. To do so would mean you had no future. Worse, you would have no present.

“I have to talk with Dameron anyway. It should give you a moment with Finn.” Rey nodded. She had fallen as deep into her own thoughts as you had yours.

After allowing her a little more time to gather her thoughts, you watched Rey rise from where she had been sitting and head off to find Finn. You wandered away from the area as well, albeit to find Poe. You did not have long to search. He was jogging in the direction of his X-wing. This caused you to quicken your pace before setting off into a full run. There was too much happening. Too many pilots climbing into their ships. Your heart was like a sledgehammer in your chest. You could not even hear yourself calling out his name over the sounds of its beating and the noises erupting from the ships that were lifting off the ground.

Poe looked at you over his shoulder without stopping. He was strapping himself in while speaking. “We received a transmission from Artoo. Luke has encountered the Knights of Ren. We have his coordinates. And Hux…” He shook his head. “Find Leia. She’ll fill you in.”

You were not told if he was heading off to assist Luke, or if he was to help with Hux’s latest victims. Whoever they were. Wherever they were. Stepping back so that you were not injured by the X-wing as its owner prepared to leave the planet, you started to search for the General. The female Skywalker twin was speaking with Connix and Rose. Their expressions were all severe. Bile threatened to rise in your throat as your stomach churned.

Urged into action by the news, you ran over to your superior. She spared you but a quick glance without pausing in her conversation. Orders were being given out by other superior officers. The tacticians spoke with pilots and technicians alike. You caught snippets of sentences. Enough that you learned what it was Supreme Leader Hux had done as revenge for Phasma’s death. It brought you down to your knees. Your palms flat on the ground. Retching. Crying. Sobbing.

Naboo had been destroyed. Your birth planet. The birth planet of Padmé, who was mother to the Skywalker twins and grandmother to Kylo Ren. It was a way to punish both you and Kylo in one blow while also shaking the heroes of the Resistance, the heroes of the Rebellion.

Cold seeped into your body. The one source of warmth came from a hand on your shoulder. It was General Organa speaking to you. You could not understand what she was saying, but your mind recognized her voice.

Your father’s grave was gone. The house in which you had lived. Gone. Every trace of your father. And if your mother had not come with you to the Resistance, she would be gone as well. Next your mind ran through the faces of those you had grown up with. The children. Their parents.

Had Phasma’s death been worth all of that?

All of those deaths were, in some part, your fault, weren’t they? You had bargained with Kylo Ren. Had assisted in her demise. For what? What had it all been for? She had won. Even if death, that wretched woman had taken more from you. Supreme Leader Hux would want to keep as many planets intact as possible to rule over them. This, though, was a sacrifice he had been willing to make. To show that he would not stand by doing nothing when provoked. The rivalry that existed between him and Kylo, that would only intensify the longer this war went on. And you… You had fueled that shared hatred to the point that it had made things go up in flames.

A supernova creating a blackhole.

“Why?” The first word to leave your lips since you had heard of Naboo’s destruction. It assaulted your abused throat, which burned from the stomach acid that had emerged just minutes before. “I did this.”

“No,” Leia said. Her hand remained on your shoulder. “Hux did this.”

“You don’t know what--” The words, hissed out as you whipped around to face her, died. They caught in your throat, choking you. You lurched forward to bury your face into her chest, and her arms wrapped around you. She did know what this was like. Except worse. She had been forced to watch her homeworld be destroyed. Your sobbing resumed, this time more violently.

You couldn’t breathe. It felt as though you were submerged under water. Drowned in a deep ocean that swallowed you. Churning, each wave crashing. Shoving you deeper and deeper. The breath that had been in your lungs forced out with no means of replacing it. And when at last you emerged from those depths, it was fire that pushed you to the surface. Hot hatred that Leia seemed able to feel. When you tried to pull away so that you could hop into the nearest ship and pursue Hux, Leia tightened her grasp on you. She spoke your birth name, which only increased your anger. Birth name. Birth planet. The last of your childhood destroyed by this war. You had to kill Hux before he killed your mother.

“Let me go!” you said through clenched teeth. Instead she rested her lips on the top of your head. Warmth, a different kind, started to enter you. Calming you. Making your muscles less tense. It tingled down the entire length of your spine. She was pouring bits of herself into you, a calming technique to help you recenter yourself. If she had been an enemy, this would have been an assault. Yet she was not. She was your ally, and she did this out of love.

She was not only your ally, you started to remember. She was your mother-in-law. She was your family by marriage on top of being the family you had chosen when you joined the Resistance.

“Please. Please don’t bench me.”

“I won’t,” she whispered, and you knew that she was not lying to you. Though she would not allow you to go flying out of there like a rabid mynock, General Organa would ensure that you could help. This woman who so understood your pain. “You need to see your mother first.” You nodded dumbly, bobbing your head though it took your brain another handful of seconds to process the command. To understand why it was being demanded of you. If this war killed either you or your mother… You had to see one another one final time before that could happen. It was something that Leia had never gotten the chance to do.

She helped you up to your feet, your legs trembling with each and every step that you took. Her hand stayed on your shoulder until after you were more steady. The woman left you, reluctantly so, to issue more commands to the other Resistance members. Some of them patted your shoulder when they passed you. Quick condolences, the only kind available at times like these. You did not return any words or gestures. Your feet carried you towards the temporary hut in which you found your mother sitting at a table. Her eyes on the center of the surface. Staring sightlessly at it. They were glazed. She was in shock. Numb. Did not respond to you saying mom. Did not even look up.

You pressed your hands together. Much like on the battlefield with Kylo Ren, the adrenaline was pumping through you, and you could not stop shaking. You reached for her wrist. Touched it, earning no reaction until you lifted the limb a fraction an inch off the table.

“It’s gone.” Her eyes did not move from their position, which meant that she did not see you nod. You ran your tongue over your lips to wet them before telling her that you were going to make Hux pay for this. She hummed. That was it. Just a small hum of acknowledgment, although you doubted she actually heard what it was you had said to her. You shifted your weight onto one foot, started to lean forward, paused, and then at last gave her a loose, one-armed hug that she didn’t return.

There was no sense in your prolonging this; you were already losing steam by standing still long enough to hug her. You said a soft see you later because you did not want to say a goodbye. That would have been too final.

You ducked into the quarters that had been assigned to you long enough to dress more appropriately. Wrapping your hand around the rings that were on the chain you wore, you debated going straight after Hux yourself regardless of whatever orders you were given. Emotions could make you reckless, which meant that Leia was not likely to assign you to pursue the First Order’s Supreme Leader.

There was movement behind you, the sounds of someone entering. Your mind supplied you with three names: Finn, Rey, and Navrin. Turning around, you discovered that it was none of these. Rose locked gazes with you. Determination was written all over her face. She, too, had lost so much in this war. The death of Paige had pushed her to do all she could to help win the war. You remembered working with her in the throne room on the Supremacy. “Hurry up. We don’t have a lot of time.” You followed her without arguing. It had been your assumption that General Organa had sent her to find you, or else some other superior.

When you boarded the ship and found that Rey was the pilot while Finn and Navrin were waiting for you and Rose, you knew this was not the case. You also knew that this was not to join Kylo Ren. A decision like that could not be made so easily; and, in any case, you doubted that Rose would be this willing to go. It was to find Kylo. At least, you assumed that Kylo was among his Knights as they faced Luke Skywalker. Perhaps this would be the final act that would determine if Rey would join him again. Because you did know, with a certainty, that the Knights were there to kill Luke. The Order of Ren would be close by to stop the Resistance support. They would stop Poe.

“Hey.” Finn reached over to buckle your restraint after you took the seat beside him without making a move to do so yourself. “Are you okay?”

No. Not at all. “Yes.” It sounded robotic and rehearsed even to your own ears. “No. But that doesn’t matter.”

The ramp was lifting. Rey and Rose were talking with one another. They needed to leave before any of the others in the Resistance realized what was going down.

#kylo ren x reader #kylo x reader #kylo ren smut #kylo ren imagine #three blind tooke #elmidolfanfic #death is an art

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sharinluna · 5 years ago

Text

MLQC Chapter 16 Translation Part 1

Translation of excerpts from chapter 16.

This is not a full translation, only some parts. It’s more like a abbreviation/summary/paraphrasing of some parts of the story. Do not ask me to translate more or reveal more plots in the story.

The translation is based on KR version text. I’m not a professional translator and get things wrong. So do not regard this as the actual canon story.

I used Yōurán as the name of MC because that is the unofficial default MC’s name in CN version.

DO NOT COPY, QUOTE, REPOST OR REBLOG THIS ANYWHERE. Links are okay but I don’t want this post to spread too much in other communities or websites.

16-1

???: As you all know, Hades’s return-to-zero plan has started.

16-3

It has been 10 days since Gavin was gone. I looked down at my bracelet feeling pain and sorrow. He said he’d come back, I had to believe him.

The news was talking about the latest influenza outbreak. The symptoms were similar to a regular flu, coughing, high fever and lethargy. It couldn’t be cured by any existing antibiotics. No one died yet, but the number of the infected was increasing every day. Every laboratory in the nation was researching about this, but there was no solution yet. The virus spread faster than anything we’ve seen before.

I wore my cotton mask before I went out.

When I went to the office building I heard the security guards talking.

Guard: Did you hear about that guy? He caught the flu this morning. He couldn’t even recognize his wife.

I felt anxiety in my heart growing. He didn’t even recognize his wife… how could this be a symptom of a regular flu? It occurred to me that I could inquire someone about the disease.

As I entered the hospital my suspicion that this was not a regular flu grew more. I met doctor Song(the female doctor from chapter 13), after the Evol rampage was solved, she went back to curing patients.

Yōurán: Dr. Song, I wanted to inquire about the recent flu epidemic…

Dr. Song: I was about to call you. There are some strange things, and I wanted to check that I’m not being paranoid… This flu is unlike anything we’ve seen before.

Yōurán: I thought so too, and I just heard something that might back your claim. Among the infected, there are hardly any children or old people. Usually they get sick first because they have weaker immune systems. But this time, it’s the opposite, the flu only targets healthy, young people.

Dr. Song: Yes, and I found out that there are no evolvers among the sick. I think…. the virus is selecting certain genes.

Yōurán: So you’re saying that the virus is targeting healthy non-evolvers on purpose.

Was this another scheme from Black Swan. They’ve targeted evolvers before, now they’re targeting non-evolvers?

16-6

I was walking home. The usually busy streets were empty and many shops were closed down. I felt dismal. Could I ever look up to the sky with light feelings?

The TV screen in the building lighted up.

News: Professor Lucien’s research lab has announced a press conference about the latest influenza.

I stopped right there. I haven’t thought of Lucien for a long time. Since that day, he disappeared from my life. He moved away from next door and didn’t answer any of my calls.

I asked myself many times whether I despised him, and the answer was “no”. The world was not black and white, and I didn’t want to judge him with just one idea of what was right and wrong.

I just didn’t want to think about him again, but every word from the screen etched to my ears. He is part of the Black Swan, and since this virus is likely related to Black Swan… I can’t deny that he is part of all this.

Yōurán: I could just send Willow… or anyone else to report about this conference…

I don’t know what I was trying to avoid. Was I afraid of the answer that would come from him? Was I afraid to find out that the flu outbreak had something to do with him, because I would get emotional? Or… was I simply afraid to see him again?

I closed my eyes and made up my mind. I had to attend this conference.

Footsteps could be heard and the reporters gathered up front to hear what Lucien had to say. Just then, his eyes met me standing among the reporters. I turned around and lowered my head. My heart was beating like crazy. A few seconds later, I gathered courage to glance at him, he was talking to his assistant like he hadn’t seen me.

I needed to get a grip. I made my decision to come here. I was not going to cower in fear. After taking a few deep breathes I held my camera up to start shooting.

16-7

Lucien: Hello. Thank you all for coming. I would like to announce that we are working on a new remedy that will cure the influenza.

Audience A: Professor, my father has the flu, and he’s trying to volunteer for human experimentation. Please refuse him!

I took out my voicepen to record his words and realized that it was actually Lucien’s silver pen. I shoved that thing back into my pocket. I must have brought it instead in my hurry.

Yōurán: Why now…. this… of all things…

I was too busy feeling sorry about myself to notice that Lucien startled for the shortest second.

Lucien: First of all, I would like to offer condolences for your father, but I’m afraid that I can’t grant your wish. Furthermore, I want more people to offer themselves for this drug testing.

Audience A: But… what if my father dies?

Lucien: All scientific progress is founded on sacrifices, that includes trial-and-error of bodily harms and deaths. All of which I think are necessary.

Audience A: So you’re expecting people to submit themselves to this testing that is potentially fatal?

More people began to voice their complaints. But Lucien faced them without even a blink. I suppose for him, this was a rational solution to the problem. I felt resentment rising slowly in my chest.

I’d heard enough. I got up to leave, but someone grabbed my wrist.

Reporter C: Hey, aren’t you the producer of the Miracle Finder? Professor Lucien is a consultant in that show!

Reporter B: Does that mean that you were already aware of his human subject research?

Yōurán: I was just here for the report. Please focus on the conference.

I tried to get away. I sincerely regretted coming here. But I was surrounded by reporters. Questions flew at me from everywhere.

Reporter C: As a producer and his coworker, what’s your opinion about Professor Lucien’s thoughts?

Reporter D: Does Miracle Finder agree with Professor Lucien’s human experimentation?

I looked at Lucien, unsure what to answer. He was looking at me like he was seeing a very entertaining scuffle. The corner of his mouth was even twitching.

I felt anger boiling inside me. I was angry at him, and I was also angry at myself.

Yōurán: Apologies. But this is not something that I can answer. My relationship with Professor Lucien is purely for business, and Miracle Finder will find a new consultant. I ask that you focus on the conference at hand. Please excuse me.

After I was done talking and made to leave, I heard his familiar voice.

Lucien: Does Producer Yōurán(he’s referring to her very formally, almost like a stranger) not agree with the direction of this experiment?

My heart felt like bursting out. I didn’t think that I could face him. I pictured many times how we would meet each other again, but I hadn’t thought that we would meet like this.

Yōurán: No, I don’t.

Lucien: Then why are you trying to leave when the conference is not even over. If there is something you don’t agree, then say it.

His tone was nonchalant, but I could sense fury that the others couldn’t catch.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists, then turned around and faced him. This was the first time that I saw him face to face since his reveal as Ares.

Yōurán: I want to ask Professor Lucien a question. Earlier you mentioned that sacrifices are necessary. Specifically what kind of sacrifices are needed?

A smile crossed his eyes. He was silent for a moment, then slowly opened his lips.

Lucien: Death, in the sense of physiological meaning.

Yōurán: So you’re saying that it’s normal to demand people to sacrifice their lives for the advancement of society?

Lucien: Yes. I agree wholly to that statement.

The reporters were shooting their films at us enthusiastically. Apparently, the war of words between us was more interesting than the remedy for the flu.

Lucien: This reminds me of the famous trolley problem. No matter what you choose, you face an ethical dilemma. But the truth is, many people fall behind as society progresses, in the form of death or others. It is the law of the universe that the weak ones fall back and the strong ones survive and reproduce. That is the only way that the human race survives continuously.

He enunciated each world clearly as he met my eye. I felt utterly foolish. What was I thinking, that I could change his views which he held onto no matter what?

Yōurán: In your eyes, is human life so insignificant?

He took a step towards me. It seemed that his eyes held some kind of enmity.

Lucien: Then, what is not insignificant in this world?

I gathered up my courage and stood up straighter and said:

Yōurán: All life forms have a right to be respected. Every one of us are doing their best to survive. You may think that’s nothing, but look at the patients in the hospital. They may be comatose, but their consciousness are fighting to stay alive. The children in the orphanages, beggars in streets, they are trying their best to live on. Their will to keep on living is their right. You have no right to deprive people of this.

Silence could be heard. Lucien looked down at me with inquiry and arrogance.

Lucien: Well said. But you are only voicing the minority. Ever since prehistoric times, the human race have slaughtered and sacrificed the weak. Some of those deaths contributed nothing to the society. “Equality” is not the principle of society. Humans have competed with each other to stay in the higher place of hierarchy for survival. If it’s for progress, we don’t even need consent for such sacrifices.

I thought of that day before when he said the same things coldly like this. That it was all for the better future. Is this really the future he wanted?

I asked him something that I wanted to ask for a long time.

Yōurán: What if… you had to sacrifice yourself? Would you still do it?

He nodded without hesitation, it even seemed like he was smiling.

Lucien: Yes. For the advancement of society as a whole, I will gladly make that sacrifice.

Yōurán: What if you had to sacrifice someone precious to you?

Without thinking, that question came out from my lips. I stared at him. I didn’t know what I was hoping for. I knew the answer already.

He kept staring at me without answering. The subtle movement of the corner of his lips seemed to mock my asinine question. Time passed. He still didn’t answer.

What was I doing here? I knew what his answer would be anyway.

There was a time when I thought, if I ever met him again, I would argue with him and voice all my opinions. But I now realized how futile that was. What was the point? He was not the Lucien that I used to know anymore.

Yōurán: I wish you all luck in your research, Professor. However, I cannot agree with your values. Ever. To me, there are more important things than survival.

I closed my eyes to hide my hurt and disappointment, and turned around and walked away. I could hear the shutters of the cameras. Next day there will be numerous headlines about our verbal match, but I didn’t want to care anything about that now.

16-11

I sat down on the bench trying to calm my wildly beating heart. I looked back at the direction of the conference room, and I realized once again that Lucien and I were on opposing sides.

Yōurán: And you already know that. Why are you still concerned…? Let’s just go home…

I gathered my things and realized that I left my pen behind.

Yōurán: Well.. the owner of the pen is still there… if the staff pick it up they will give it to him…

I tried to convince myself to leave with this logic.

Ten minutes later I put my head inside the conference room.

Yōurán: I guess everyone’s gone now…

After I checked that no one was there, I walked hesitantly in. Soon I found the pen on the floor and picked it up.

Yōurán: Found it!

???: What are you doing there?

I startled and hit my head on the podium. It really hurt and I had to drop the pen to grasp my head. Then pen rolled and stopped at the front of black shoes. Long slender fingers picked it up.

Lucien: You came back for this?

His eyes looking down at me held mischief. I gathered myself before approaching him.

Yōurán: Yes. Is something the matter?

He handed the pen out to me.

Lucien: Don’t ever lose it again.

His voice reminded me of that warm late spring day from such a long time ago, but my heart grew colder and colder. I knew shouldn’t have come back here.

I didn’t take the pen from his hand and retraced my steps.

Yōurán: I don’t need it anymore. Besides, it wasn’t mine from the start. The pen should go back to its owner now.

There was no change in his facial expression, but his eyes narrowed slightly. He took the pen in his pocket.

Lucien: You owe me something else besides the pen.

Yōurán: …what?

Lucien approached me and blocked my way.

Lucien: Today I found out that I was resigned from Miracle Finder without notice. Is it too much to demand an explanation?

Yōurán: I’m sure such things don’t matter to you anymore, Professor.

Lucien: It matters for my reputation.

His tone was light, like he was playing with me. The audacity of him!

Yōurán: This is not fair!

Lucien: I thought you already knew that about me.

He’d already stepped closer to me. I felt pressured.

Lucien: All I want to know is why.

Yōurán: You don’t have to waste your valuable time honoring my humble show with your overbearing presence. (She is sarcastically talking to him as if he’s some royalty. That since he’s so high and mighty he shouldn’t concern himself with the likes of her.)

Lucien: What if I want to continue to be on your show?

Anger raged inside me again. I closed my eyes to contain my emotions and said quickly.

Yōurán: You lost your right because you have different values. My show, Miracle Finder, is about intrinsic values of justice and philanthropy.

Why was he not saying anything? When I opened my eyes he had let me go and was walking away from me.

Lucien: Good thinking. I understand.

Yōurán: Wait! I have something I want to ask you. The recent flu outbreak, did you have anything do to with it?

Please, please tell me that you had nothing to do with it.

Lucien: Yes.

I felt something sinking at my chest.

Yōurán: Y, yes, I see…

Lucien: It seems that you’re disappointed in me. What were you planning to do if you confirmed your suspicions?

He was emitting out a dangerous atmosphere. I stepped away from him until I reached the end of the stage.

Lucien: Did your concept of what is right and just, give you what you wanted? Is this what you think is more important than survival? I want to ask you, will you sacrifice someone precious to you to hold on to your beliefs?

My back reached the cold hard wall. Lucien had already put his hand on the wall beside my face.

Lucien: I see you’re hesitating. Should I take that as a yes?

Before I could answer, a bright light blinded my eyes. In an instant a strong force pulled me forward and I was in his arms. Next moment, a ray of golden beam struck the place where I’ve just been. He hugged me tighter into his chest, his hands shielding my head.

He looked out the window. His eyes held a murderous stare. Was I mistaken when I thought I saw in his eyes fear that he would lose something precious to him…? But that look vanished quickly, as if I had imagined it.

I tried to get away from his arms, but he held on tight.

Yōurán: Lucien…

Lucien: Don’t talk…

It felt like things between us had gone back to the way they were before. When he was still Lucien. Like then, he was protecting me from danger. I felt warm in my heart.

I stepped back and saw a hole that was paved on the wall.

Yōurán: Are you okay? Thanks for saving me…

Lucien: It was only for your safety, nothing more.

Yōurán: You saved me… because you need me alive in your plan?

Lucien: Of course, I never engage in useless actions.

I knew it. Back then, the Black Swan goons said they needed me alive for their scheme. So all this time he must have protected me for the same reasons…

I felt tired. I just wanted to get away from here.

Lucien: You still haven’t answered my question.

I looked at his eyes but couldn’t fathom anything about him. Maybe this was for the best. I laughed dejectedly and looked into his eyes.

Yōurán: I didn’t. And I won’t.

My eyes were getting teary but I kept them wide open.

Yōurán: Even if I were smart enough to know all the secrets and knowledge with my precognition, even if I were powerful enough to move all mountains, without love, those are meaningless to me.

Yōurán: The truth of this world is cruel and painful. But even when the light is gone from people’s lives, I will hold on to my own light. No matter how impossible it is, no matter how dark everything else is, no matter how foolish I may be. I won’t give up.

Yōurán: Someone who used to be very precious to me taught me that. I will never give up.

As I turned around I let the tears flow freely. I will never shed tears in front of him again.

-------------------------------------------

Okay, I had to stop here because this was being too long.

I had so much fun translating Lucien and MC in the press conference. What I love about their dynamics is that Lucien and MC both hold on firmly to their beliefs but they still care for each other deep down.

Lucien as an extreme Darwinist won’t bat an eyelash as he sacrifices many “weak” people for the “strong” people to survive, but when asked about whether he would sacrifice MC, he refuses to answer.

MC will continue to defy Lucien and fight against him but when asked whether she would “sacrifice” him, she refuses to answer.

They are fighting each other ferociously and they are both determined to defeat the other, but none of their swords will land a fatal blow to each other.

Who will win in this battle? Well the answer is obvious :)

I’ll come up with part 2 when I feel like it.

#mlqc #love and producer #mlqc translation

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themindelectricdemo4 · 1 year ago

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DREAM LOG #002 - I rate this one like ugghh 3/10 because I kept having to feel slow death & also made me think about humanity for shit does that not matter & I had to watch things die regardless of how valid their lives were or weren't

There was like a moral dilemma of if we should humanize technology since it was becoming increasingly more sentient

At one point I went back in the past?? It was either Ye Olde Toontowne or something similar or "nearby"..I remember hearing Noble Nook/Wizard Way being mentioned

It was a strict place, there were guards (including Holly) & there was a church that held a school for children & I kept trying to get involved or something but I kept getting killed. I would get skewered 4k 4D HD video style & feel dying & then respawn just like that. Huzzah. Eventually I was...able to bridge some sort of gap between the past & the future besides these old timey fucks being transphobic but we all made friends & sang kumbaya (okay not literally). But then there was this problem (that was sort of presented like a cliffhanger for a future sequel? Lol...THIS IS A DREAM NOT A MOVIE) where this past person was more interested in getting rid of stuff that would take up space by burning it in blazing flames & reducing it to ash but this included little pieces of humanized objects that were a results of better technology so this girl just horrifyingly burnt this little cute block that was like had the memory of a turtle that died & was kept alive through being this block & she used it in her demonstration by just burning it alive & we all watched it slowly melt it was pretty disturbing

Then this guy (he actually kinda looked like Crunch Bandicoot?? Lol) had these two giant barrels as his sidekick buddies & he was under the impression putting them in these little compartments would have them feeling better & improved. Then when they closed & the fire started he was horrified & was like oh my god turn it off?? But apparently until it was finished it was dangerous to turn off (very safe & functional) so he just had to watch the flames spill out & imagine his friends melting without ever being able to say goodbye

It was pretty weird & idk how to feel since they were just animated inanimate objects but I guess it made me think about what defines humanity & where empathy should begin for something

#]]H0K0 #]]???#QUEUE #06/26/23 #DREAM L0G . . .

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chiseler · 5 years ago

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Wanted Man: On THE FUGITIVE

The road at night is home to one of America’s perennially romantic figures: the man who’s on the lam. The escaping slave wading in the water to throw off the dogs; the western outlaw with his face on a Wanted poster and a price on his head; the Depression-era bank robber gunning his stolen V-8 toward the state line. Guilt or innocence is almost incidental; it’s the race to stay free, and the need to keep on the move, that lend such dark luster to the fugitive. The double meaning of “wanted man” is inherent, never stated more succinctly than in Nightfall (1957), when just before they kiss Anne Bancroft tells Aldo Ray, who is pursued by both cops and criminals, “You’re the most wanted man I know.”

With all due respect to Aldo Ray, the most wanted man of all was surely David Janssen, who carried one hundred and twenty episodes of the television drama The Fugitive (1963-1967) with a charisma deeply rooted in the unease, alienation, and desperation of the man on the run. As Dr. Richard Kimble, who escapes en route to the death house after being falsely convicted of killing his wife, Janssen imbued the show with a hunted, haunted, hellhound-on-my-trail mystique. His might be called a one-note performance, but that note is a suppressed intensity that never slackens for an instant; he never forgets or lets us forget that he’s under sentence of death. The fear of being caught is in his husky, constrained voice; the nervous smile that twitches one side of his mouth; his darting, plaintive eyes; the way he stands with his shoulders slightly hunched, as if against a cold wind. Every woman wants to give him aid and comfort. Who could resist a strong, quiet, kind, yet just possibly dangerous man who is also as lost, alone, and in need of help as the bedraggled stray kitten he fleetingly bonds with at the end of the series debut? Because Kimble is a mensch, at times perilously close to a saint, it’s all the more important that Janssen has a dark, gritty edge to his presence. While the scripts place him again and again in the position of risking his safety to help someone in trouble, Janssen brings out Kimble’s exhaustion and bitterness, his reflexive distrust of authority, his lonely and self-punishing stubbornness.

Every episode of The Fugitive ends with Kimble alone, walking down the highway, thumbing a ride, huddling in the back of a truck, skulking through a railyard, or slumping in the gloom of a Greyhound bus—disappearing into the no-man’s-land of the American night. The look and mood of the series are relentlessly drab and melancholy. “Another shabby room, another lonely night,” the narrator intones; another dreary town that looks just like the last, another cheap hotel, another menial job where the stranger must put up with bullying bosses and needling co-workers, another toxic web of resentments and desires waiting to trap the newcomer. The Fugitive paints the life of a drifter as a dismal and repetitive slog. In this it forms a perfect counterpoint to Route 66, another popular television show with which it overlapped. (Route 66 ran from 1960 to 1964, and Janssen was a guest star on the show just before The Fugitive began its run.) Buz and Todd, footloose buddies zipping around the country in a Corvette, are troubadours for the philosophy of moving on; at each stop they help release people trapped in emotional ruts, then motor on, restless searchers for some ultimate true home.

These contrasting shows nicely illustrate the two kinds of travel that haunt the American imagination: exploration and flight, discovery and escape. To be on the road is to be free, unfettered by emotional bonds or confining routines, going to the next new place. To be on the lam is to have no safe haven, no-one to trust, just a desperate and dwindling hope of eluding capture. In The Fugitive, Richard Kimble wants nothing more than to settle down, to return to the stable and wholesome life he once had as a pediatrician in the fictional small town of Stafford, Indiana. He roams (rather than fleeing the country) in the far-fetched hope of tracking down the one-armed man he saw running from his home the night his wife was murdered. He stubbornly pursues the dream of clearing his name—a determination that is part of the machinery required to keep the series in its perpetual holding pattern of flight and pursuit. The paradox of the show is that it depicts all the horrors of being a fugitive—the constant fear of betrayal, the impossibility of forming ties, the need to remain in a sub-legal twilight—yet also creates an irresistible glamour around the figure of the fugitive, who is strangely purified by his shadowy existence outside society, and who unintentionally seduces or provokes the masses gnawing at their private traps.

The show’s machinery is also kept running by Kimble’s dedicated hellhound, Lieutenant Gerard (Barry Morse). Writer Stanford Whitmore confessed to deliberately giving the character a name similar to Javert, the monomaniacal policeman obsessed with capturing Jean Valjean in Les Misérables. Gerard, who comes within a whisker of catching Kimble in roughly every third episode, is robotic in his idée-fixe; inhuman in his refusal to respond emotionally or change his mind. The keynote of his character is his peculiar refusal to state that he personally believes his quarry to be guilty. Every time the question comes up, Gerard smugly states that it doesn’t matter what he thinks. “The law pronounced him guilty. I enforce the law. Whether the law is right or wrong is not my concern. Let others debate and conclude. But when I begin to doubt, to question—I can’t permit it.” In a sense, Gerard is not a person at all, but a personification of authority at its most rigid and unimaginative. Often, people encountering Gerard remark that now that they have met him, they hope Kimble gets away. Even more often, the thwarted Gerard complains that he can’t understand why so many people, especially women, side with the fugitive and help him escape.

Kimble is a litmus test. Every plot turns on the way people react when they learn who he really is. Some help him because they believe he’s innocent; or because they’re grateful for something he’s done; or for some obscure personal reason, like a desire to get back at someone else who wants to turn him in. Some people betray him because they figure it’s their duty under the law, some for gain, some out of spite. Carrying his own story with him like a personal storm-cloud, Kimble continually stumbles into situations involving crime, injustice, mistaken identities, false accusations, and deceptive schemes. The whole country is filled with wrongly accused ie. nnocents and villains with law-abiding fronts. In “Come Watch Me Die,” Kimble helps a young man who is accused of murder but proclaims his innocence escape lynching, only to learn that he did commit the brutal killing and is a remorseless sociopath. Frequently Kimble is torn between his need to testify to things he’s witnessed, and his fear of coming forward and risking police attention. He’s a supremely ethical, conscientious man for whom the law and all its trappings is the enemy. “Come Watch Me Die” ends with a rare moment of humor, when a sheriff, favorably impressed by the way Kimble has captured the killer, asks if he has ever considered a career in law enforcement. The fugitive responds with a nervous, queasy smile.

Flung from one moral dilemma to the next, he is constantly caught between his societally-imposed guilt, which forces him to hide his identity, and his innate goodness. “Wings of an Angel” incisively illustrates the way he is caught between the forces of law and crime. Wounded when he (yet again) helps capture an escaping convict, he’s taken to the nearest place for treatment—which happens to be a prison hospital. He’s a hero to the guards whom he fears and a villain to the inmates, who sneeringly call him “cop-lover.” When some inmates recognize him, they blackmail him into stealing morphine for the prison’s junkies. Being a doctor adds to Kimble’s trials, as he often feels obligated to help the injured despite the risks of revealing his medical knowledge.

Though he always resists serious moral compromise, his life is constructed of lies and deceptions: in every town he assumes a new name, invents a back-story and a home town, fills job applications with phony references. He’s quite ready to knock people down to make an escape, steal a wallet when he needs identification, or fake his own death. His surprising competence at living outside the law is a large part of his attraction. In “See Hollywood and Die,” when he is held hostage by two young thugs along with a woman whose car they steal, Kimble convinces them that he’s a cool professional crook, and plays the part of a fast-working seducer to forge an alliance with his fellow hostage. The sense that this man could be dangerous, if he wanted to be, keeps him from seeming too idealized—or rather, it idealizes him in a different and more appealing way.

Much has been written about the transference of guilt in Hitchcock’s wrong-man stories. But being a fugitive, even with all the attendant ethical snares, does not tarnish Kimble’s conviction of his own innocence and his right to stay free and alive. (The one exception comes when, inevitably, he contracts amnesia, and on learning his identity, can’t be sure of his innocence.) The moral dilemmas so elaborately constructed in each episode can sometimes feel contrived or repetitive or strain credulity, but the show is driven by this basic, burning core of Kimble’s desperation, his raw fear and profound depression whenever he’s cornered or fingerprinted or locked in a cell. The suspense is superficial yet sure-fire: watching each episode, I know perfectly well that he’s not going to get caught, because if he did the show would be over, yet I respond with dutiful Pavlovian reflexes. Oh no! How’s he going to get out of it this time?

The Fugitive has the ritualistic, same-time-next-week quality of classic television, so different from today’s mandatory novelistic arcs. Each episode opens with a re-cap of the premise, which grows tiresome, though it comes in the deliciously portentous voice of William Conrad. (The credits were changed, very much for the worse, at the start of the second season; the season one credits include wonderful noirish footage of Kimble’s escape from a train wreck, and Conrad somberly intoning, “Richard Kimble ponders his fate as he looks at the world for the last time, and sees only darkness. But in that darkness, fate moves its huge hand…”) The Fugitive was the creation of Roy Huggins, the veteran writer and producer who was also behind Maverick, 77 Sunset Strip, Run for Your Life, and The Rockford Files. According to his obituary in the New York Times, Huggins taught himself to write by copying Chandler’s Farewell, My Lovely in longhand, which is enough to put him in my good books. He got into movies when his novel Too Late for Tears was adapted into a taut and terrific 1947 film noir with Lizabeth Scott and Dan Duryea. A member of the Communist Party until 1939, he was called before HUAC in 1952 and pragmatically named names—but only of those who had already been named. Presumably, he knew something about moral compromise.

The Fugitive was both a critical and popular success, though only for one season did its ratings break into the top five TV shows. Famously, the show’s finale (a two-parter called “The Judgment”) was watched by more people than any previous television program—72% of all households that owned TV’s tuned in. For the record, I have not yet seen the final episode, since I am still working my way through season three. I have an idea how it might go, though: I imagine Kimble will capture the one-armed man and be exonerated, at which point all of the scores of women who fell in love with him over the course of 120 episodes will appear, saying, “At last we can be together!” Then an enormous fight will break out, and he’ll be torn to pieces like Orpheus by the Maenads.

But seriously…

The enduring power of The Fugitive lies precisely in its unresolved tension, the way it portrays being a fugitive as a universal and eternal condition. Richard Kimble has nothing. He often carries a small suitcase, but since he’s regularly forced to flee with only the clothes on his back, the suitcases can’t hold anything that he’s attached to. He has no identification, just whatever petty cash he earned at his last job. He works as a mechanic, a farm laborer, a handyman, a lifeguard, a truck driver, a hospital orderly—always something faceless and expendable. He goes by whatever name he pulls off the top of his head. But his own identity clings to him as an inescapable threat: his fingerprints and his face inform against him, yet he never tries plastic surgery or burning his fingertips with acid. (He does dye his hair, but this fools no-one—though it vastly improves his appearance, and neatly distinguishes his fugitive identity from his previous square self.)

The scripts may insist that Dr. Kimble yearns to go back to being a solid citizen, with his medical degrees hanging proudly on the walls of his office, but those who love the show just want to see him in another shabby room, for another lonely night. He’s the eternal drifter; the hitch-hiker with the worried face; the guy keeping to himself in the corner of a boxcar; the stray that every woman wants to take in and console; the friendless stranger turning up his collar against the cold wind; the man who is from everywhere but here, and who’ll be from here soon.

by Imogen Sara Smith

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