#I had a shitty summer overall but not looking forward to it being over soon

[no1ryomafan]

On this shittest ass vacation and have basically two more days to go before I’m home and it’s a big “try not to have a mental breakdown challenge” and somehow I’m making it even though I get terrible fucking thoughts on the daily and masking so hard

[chirpsythismorning]

Thoughts on this?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but 2024 is even a little optimistic in terms of a release for Stranger Things 5.

I know right now there's been this assumed expectation that it will release in 2024, and that's definitely still possible! But from what we've seen, no one from the production, neither the Duffers, the cast, nor Netflix themselves have said 2024 will be the year s5 releases, definitively. (If I remember correctly, when asked in an interview about s5 coming out in 2024, Noah dodged the question and said that they want it to be really good and are going to try to get it out as soon as they can... if anything he was trying to hint here that fans should be prepared that it might not be 2024, but that's okay bc that means that quality is being considered over a speedy release).

Again there have been talks about it, and I'm sure that's what they're shooting for. But they don't seem to be making any official statements about 2024 being a for sure thing. Because I mean, how could it be?

Covid did a really big number on the industry, especially production for ST4. Not only that but workers are starting to unionize and fight back against long hours, shitty wages and unsafe working conditions.

And so there's this unknown looming. Could the global pandemic reach a point that causes the industry to come to a halt again? Could there be a strike that stops productions from filming, including ST5? There's just a lot of unforeseen factors to keep in mind.

Our perception of how fast shows should be cranking out between seasons, are from a rose-tinted lens and honestly a little bit naive. We're not taking into account that those same expectations we have are based on an industry that has thrived off of malpractice for decades.

So, would I be mad if ST5 came out in 2025? No.

Also important to note that this is the end. I know that a lot of fans are impatient and just want the final season ASAP, but even so, when we do get it, it's over after that. There's nothing else to look forward to for fans when it comes to these characters. Arguably, hiatus will be the time we'll look back on and miss most when this is all over. So enjoy theorizing and analyzing during the wait while you still can!

And again, let's keep in mind, a sooner release means they might have to rush and make quick decisions that impact the story negatively, with them settling for results that could have been better had they had more time. Whereas a later release, or at least later than we may have hoped, will probably mean they got the essential time they needed and therefore a lot better quality for the final cut.

David Harbour said late last year that filming will start in the summer. Noah just mentioned a few times recently that he starts filming in May. But it was also mentioned in an interview promoting WYFSTW with Finn that filming would be starting in March.

Who knows for sure right now, it'll probably require us getting closer to the start to know. But the good news is once filming starts, they'll tell us! However, this does bring up an important aspect of all of this that fans also don't seem to take into consideration, which is scheduling.

The main cast are all hot commodities now, with most of them having multiple productions to film in one single year. And so, imagine trying to get about a dozen A-B listers schedule's to overlap? It's not easy.

Though from what I've read, David is dealing with schedule issues because he's filming another movie at the same time as s5. And Noah specifically mentioned school being a factor when he brought up filming starting in May for him. And so it's possible overall production for s5 could be starting sooner than we think, with some main cast-members starting earlier/later than others.

I think the main good news (everyone cheer) is that we have no new characters for s5. And so I think that will allow filming to take a little less time. S1 was a lot smaller scale in terms of the characters focused on, with production going from September 2015 to early 2016 and with a release in July that same year. But s1 was also very very small scale in comparison to what s5 will be. While filming for s5 will definitely be shorter than s4 in terms of over overall running time, it'll still be longer and just in general bigger than s1.

I'm gonna take an educated guess and say at least 9 months for filming s5, but it's possible they could run up to a year because of scheduling issues, unexpected delays, unforseen events, with some cast-members potentially working earlier/later than the majority of the production. Best case scenario, filming could be done by December 2023, and that's taking into account filming may indeed not start fully until May 2023. This would give them roughly 8-10 months of filming.

And that's not even including post-production for VFX, which is likely going to take upwards of 6 months at least, because the upside down is expected to be a main setting for the story in s5, meaning a lot more time spent working on visual effects despite filming already being complete. Then there's editing and all that good stuff. And don't even get me started on marketing (they're watching us rn taking notes for ST5 social media promo... Smile and wave boys!)

Again, I do think 2024 is possible, though it would have to be later in 2024. Summer 2024 is still a little too optimistic, but I wont rule it out bc they love summer releases.

March 22nd on the other hand, is very much pushing it, as they'd only be like 2 months into VFX at that point.

Though, I could see the vision of this, assuming it released in 2025 (lands on a Saturday that year, but still according to new theories March 21st is potentially an important date related to Henry/Vecna and it's the day s4 started the story off, so that's possible!)

March 21st 2025 would be my ideal date if they had to push it further out to a 2025 release. And that is a big possibility, which is why I think they're not out here comfortably sticking to a year right now.

It's also likely that when we find out the official year of release, we'll get a poster potentially or some kind of short teaser hyping up the final season.

ST5 2025 is kind of iconic. But I guess we'll just have to see!

Even though I don't think March 22nd 2024 is possible, it would be cool to get some major news on that day, like an exact release date for the final season maybe? That would be birthdaygate proof in and of itself.

[thebonggirll]

Chapter 27 - Awkward

Chapter 26 

The last day of internship turned out way emotional that Y/N expected it to be. Baiji was bawling like a baby and her sidekick didn't nag her to be professional for the first time. Mostly because she didn't expect the interns to be so daring and different from the other ones. Oikawa was trying to act indifferent and manly but almost teared up when they arrived at the station. Everyone promised to keep in touch with each other.

Y/N's school started right after their internship. She filled in about how they started texting each other which felt extremely suspicious to Kyoka, but she was happy about the progress. Her eyes often went towards the door, waiting for that hot headed blond to enter the class. All of this progress was fine to her but, she wasn't sure if they were supposed to act like they were before or just talk to each other naturally. She knew how he acted in front of his squad whenever she talked to him. He felt embarrassed to talk to her and mostly avoided her in school.

"You know it's kind of weird how he suddenly did a 180 and started talking to you. I mean, he literally calls everyone an extra except for his own squad," Kyoka said to her.

"To be honest, I find this weird too. But it's nice to talk to him. He's funny sometimes and it's fun to tease him. He gets riled up so fast," Y/N said.

"Oh my god, you sound like you're went out with a guy on a date and now you're giving me review about the guy," Kyoka chuckled, "do you still blush?"

Y/N scoffed and said, "Shut up, you blush while talking to Kaminari. I've noticed it too."

"I blush when I wear skirt too, he's not special," Kyoka said, trying to defend herself, her cheeks going pink.

"Sure, you must be speaking the truth with that blush on your face," Y/N laughed.

The door opened, followed by Kirishima and Sero laughing loudly and saying, "Holy crap! What the hell Bakugou!" She looked at them and was presented with a sight - Bakugou looking like a pretty boy. He had his hair properly combed down.

Y/N couldn't help but chuckle at the sight. No matter how cute he looks, his attitude doesn't go well with that hair. She heard him complain and shout at them, "Stop laughing. My hair has gotten used to this and I can't get it back the right way. Did you not hear me? I'll kill you both!"

"I'd like to see you try pretty boy!" Sero said, still laughing. Y/N quickly took out her mobile and clicked picture of him.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!" Bakugou shouted, his hair popping back up to what it usually looked like. She turned back to see Kyoka talking to Mina and Tsuyu, probably catching up to what their internships were like. Soon the conversation turned to the topic of hero killer and Kaminari pointed at them saying, "Now if you wanna talk about the ones who really changed, it was those four."

"Oh yeah! The hero killer!" Sero said.

"Glad you guys made it back alive, seriously," Kirishima said."

Y/N looked at the two boys being pulled by their collars by Bakugou who was looking at her back. She didn't know how to react and in a rush, she laughed and loudly called, "Hey pretty boy! Haha!"

Silence.

The whole class looked at her, noticing her sudden weird behavior followed by Bakugou shouting, "SHUT UP GRANDMA! I"LL KILL YOU!!" They were just surprised that Y/N actually made fun of him for the first time. Thankfully it didn't last long when Kaminari suddenly started talking about the viral video of the hero killer. Well this was awkward for both of them. After fighting with each other almost everyday, it was kind of hard to be suddenly friends with him and joke with each other. She usually had no problem but with Bakugou, when they just became friends, she didn't want it to become an issue. She wasn't so sure if he was gonna act like they usually did before their internship.

Bakugou also, found it a bit hard but he wasn't one to overthink about such things. So he talked to her naturally but at moments, when he looked at her, it made him feel shitty somehow. Like he wasn't doing something right.

Some kind of guilt in the pit of his stomach.

"I am ready! Hope you're ready to return to your lessons! Today it's hero basic training! Feels like I haven't seen you in a while! Welcome back!" All Might said, "Now then, listen carefully for what's in store. We're going to be conducting a little race. Take everything that you've learnt in your internships and apply it in this rescue training."

Iida's hand shot up as he asked the obvious question, "If it's rescue training, then shouldn't we be in USJ instead?"

"Ah, that facuility specializes in disasters. As I said earlier, this is a race. So prepare yourself! You're about to step into Field Gamma! Inside is a metal labyrinth densely packed with steel factories, so good luck finding a way around. You'll be competing in groups of five and one with six! Each person starts with a different location on the outskirts of the model city. I'll send you the distress signal and you do what you must to rescue me! Whoever finds me first, wins!" All Might said and slowly turned his head towards Bakugou with his fingers pointing towards him, and said, "But try to keep property damage to the bare minimum please."

"Why are you pointing at me-" Bakugou asked, turning his head away.

The first team included the students who had the best mobility in class - Iida, Ojiro, Mina, Midoriya, Sero and Y/N.

Sure she had good mobility and she could've won because of her speed too but jumping in an area with unstable footing and slippery surface, wasn't exactly favorable for her quirk. Her foot slipped at least three times. It was something she needed to work on and later find a way that will help her balance herself.

After the class was over, as the girls started changing into their uniforms, they started talking about their recent progress. Y/N got a lot of praises for her new technique, even though she came third in the race.

"We thought that was a one time thing you did during festival!" Mina exclaimed.

"Yeah, the hero I was training under said I should work on that since it can come in handy, you know?" Y/N smiled, awkwardly. She wasn't used to compliments.

"Yeah-" Mina got interrupted by Kyoka saying, "What the heck is this?"

Everyone turned around and found a small hole on the wall. The girls were all halfway to change into their uniforms, that is, half naked when they heard a voice, a very familiar and perverted one from the other side of the wall - the boy's lockerroom.

"Hey Midoriya! You won't believe what I just found! The jackpot! Someone made a hole into this wall! Our previous generation has given us a gift! You know what's next door, right? The girl's lockerroom!!" Mineta said pointing to the wall, where a poster was half ripped off to Midoriya who's mind was occupied with what All Might said after their race.

Iida being the gentleman and righteous person he is, immediately revolted against it. Hoping to stop Mineta before he did something bad, he said, "Don't even think about it! Peeping on them like that would be criminal!"

Mineta tore off the whole poster off and desperately said, "Then you'll have to throw me in solitary confinement cause you can't stop me!!!" He looked through the hole, hoping to get a glimpse of any of the girls, "I wanna see Yaoyorozu's curves, Ashido's slender waist, Hagakure's floating underwear, Uraraka's super tight body, Asui's soft boobies, Y/N's b-" Before he could further say anything vulger, Kyoka put her earphone jack through the hole and hit his eye.

"Ugh! Thanks Kyoka!" Uraraka said.

"Despecible. We're gonna close this hole immediately!" Momo said.

Kyoka went to her locker and started dressing back to his uniform as soon as Momo came forward to close the hole. Y/N lightly smacked her head and said, "I know that look."

She sighed and said, "Ofcourse you do. But he even called your name."

"And thankfully you didn't let him continue," Y/N's turned back to her locker, "Because I despise people like him more than any one else. Fucking disgusting."

"I might be crossing a line...but did you...face any kind of.."

"Kind of..I guess," Y/N said sighing, "I'll talk about it someday. I don't wanna kill my mood."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You're gearing up to get a boyfriend."

"Shut up," Y/N said supressing her smile and biting her lips, "it's not that serious."

"Oh my god, you want to be serious!"

"Wha- shut up! I mean, ofcourse but not now!"

"No offence but a guy as rude and dense as him is not a good idea..." Kyoka said, "but you already have a crush."

"I am fully aware how bad that is. Besides," Y/N smiled, "I feel like...it's not the right time to date. We should concentrate on becoming a hero first."

"Well I'm just glad you know that."

"To be honest, I think almost every U.A. students do."

"You didn't have much girl friends did you?"

"....I did."

"Your cousins don't count."

"Aizawa's gonna make us stand outside if we are any more late than this."

Bakugou probably didn't hear about the little commotion because most of the time he ignores people, but Kirishima did fill his ear about that. Well, he was friend with a talkative guy to not know about things. And he didn't exactly have a reaction besides, "Whatever."

Aizawa made an announcement at the end of the last class, "Well it''s almost time for summer vacation. Don't get too excited. You can't just relax the entire month. You'll be training while you're camping in the woods. However, those of you who don't pass the final exam before the semester is over, will have summer school."

The whole class was half excited and half nervous, but overall way more looking forward to their training and sleepover. "Come to think of it, we never had a sleepover huh?" Y/N said to Kyoka while they were near the exit gate.

"Half of the time we are too tired. I think we would actually be sleeping if we have sleepovers," Kyoka said.

"Unless, we call the girls together oneday. But to be honest, I am not a whole ball of energy like Mina. I'll be sleeping anyway," Y/N chuckled, "Alright, bye!"

As Y/N was walking towards the station, she noticed her new friend on the way.

"Hello pretty boy~"

"Shut up! And use that mouth to read language cause your mistakes make me puke!"

"How do you even know that?!"

"Fucking Kirishima! He talks too much!"

"And you shout too much. Chill dude-"

"You're the one to talk," Bakugou muttered.

"I only shout at you though," Y/N said, "it's like the only form of communication when you're shouting."

"SHUT UP GRANDMA!" Bakugou shouted, "I've seen you get angry before."

"....he's disgusting. I mean don't you guys feel that way too?! Mineta, a fucking hero with an attitude like that?!!" Y/N said, "Besides, didn't you hear what he said about us girls? What he was about to do? If Kyoka didn't stop him, he would've commented shit about all of us. Doesn't it make you angry? Doesn't it bother you?!"

"Why should it?" Bakugou blurted out, "I don't care about extras like him."

"....okay," Y/N said. The rest of the time they walked together was silent. It was uncomfortable an awkward. It wasn't what exactly Y/N wanted to hear from Bakugou. Maybe somewhere she felt this was what he might answer, but a huge part of her did think he would hate Mineta's actions too.

But Bakugou on the other hand meant what he said. He didn't actually care. He isn't supposed to. But why was he feeling like this again? And even after Y/N said fine?

Just like before, some kind of guilt in the pit of his stomach.

Chapter 28

SEASON - II

Ignite

MASTERLIST

[chinatea]

Jikook Sexy Alien AU Part 1

Personas are a product of @satellite-jeon​ ‘s beautiful mind.

This is WIP and still pretty drafty, and I’ll be posting new parts to tumbler as I finish them. I’m planning 4-5 parts overall. 

For my best girl @kmheart​ <3333 Thank you for loving this mess. <333

Warnings: Coarse language.

Jungkook doesn’t know exactly when his life took a dive from awesome to downright shitty.

And even if he did, he wouldn’t be telling that story any time soon ‘cause no one gives a rat’s arse about good ol’ boy Jungkook who scrubs pools for a living. 

It didn’t start that way. In high school, he was a local superstar. The golden jock. The whole fucking trope, baby. With titties of all caliber following him everywhere. Boy did love him some pussy. Dicks, too. He loved everything to do with sex, drugs and rock’n’roll.

He believed himself invincible and it was only a matter of time before he mingled with the wrong crowd. Only back then, he thought of them as friends. His bros for life.

Well.

Now, he cleans pools - the only kind of gig he can scrounge up nowadays, what with a criminal record and whatnot - and trusts no bro. 

And when he’s not cleaning pools, he’s stuck at the garage being bossed around by a dirtbag who happens to be his uncle. His uncle, Sunmu, hates his guts - one of those stupid homophobic fucks who can’t mind their own fucking business. Needless to say, no love lost.

As much as Jungkook wants to punch his stupid teeth out - what’s left of them anyhow - he needs the money and it’s not like his uncle can do much more than run his smelly farthole of a mouth. Which he does. At lengths. The dude just never shuts up. Until one day, Jungkook made him shut up - even his golden-boy patience has its limits. And the dude blew up, called the police, the neighbors came a-running, the whole nine yards.

One hell of a shitshow, that night.

So now, Jungkook has taken to bringing guys to fuck in his garage instead. Totally intentional. He knows the geezer, like the sick fuck he is, had cameras installed all over for his own perverse pleasure. So Jungkook lets him enjoy it while he can.

‘Cause once the summer ends, Jungkook will burn down his fucking shack and hit the road, because he’s this close to being done with the shitfucks that are hell bent on ruining his life.

Another day. Another mindless grind.

Luckily for him, the client has vacated the house for the day, leaving their big pool in his capable hands. A much welcome break from those rich fucks being all smug and pissy and all up in his grill about every little nothing. 

Rich tits always think they know everything.

Not to mention their shitty kids running around, destroying his equipment and yapping his ear off. Or worse yet, their old haggy wives flashing their saggy tits at him - goodness gracious, does his face say he’s into wrinkled-ass pussy or something?

He thinks the fuck not.

Jungkook plops down on a deck chair and pops a can of coke open, taking a long chug. When he doesn’t have people looming over his ass, he prefers taking things slow. At his own pace. That’s what he’s all about. 

As much as he could wrap things up faster and call it a day, he’s not looking forward to trudging back to the garage. Sunmu the dipshit would be there, of course, nagging at him with this shit or that and he’d rather chill out here - the house is off-limits, locked tight, but the scenery is gorgeous. The house sits on a cliff, with the pool area overlooking the city below. 

It’s private and quiet and damn therapeutic. Like, he could just close his eyes and pretend it’s all his. That he’s not a broke-ass dude about to keel over any day now, but someone who is in control of his life. 

And he does just that. Closes his eyes and leans back, cradling the coke to his chest like one does a lover.

Mind blank of any thought.

The sky above crackles in warning, too close for comfort. And it wakes up goosebumps along his skin as he jostles awake from his little moment of inner peace. His hands flap around, knocking his coke over - it drips all over his tank top. 

Nice, Jungkook thinks. 

Of-fucking-course, it must rain today of all days. He scrambles up to his feet, ready to start hauling all the gear back into his truck when IT happens.

At first, he is not even sure what IT even is. One moment, he’s one grouchy mess, spewing dozens of profanities at no one in particular while tugging at his stained top in a retarded attempt to shake the mess off. And the next-

Something, fairly massive and spherical, materializes a few inches above the pool before plunging into water like a dead weight. Jungkook can only manage an undignified squawk before the impact wave sends him flying into the thorny shrubs framing the pool.

Mother-fucker.

When he drags his ass back from the shrubs, drenched from head to toe and covered in scratches, all he knows is that his stained shirt is the least of his problems now, because this…

What the fuck is this? he thinks, staring agog at the offender, hogging the pool now.

It looks like…something.

Maybe a futuristic car or a flying vessel of some sort. He has no clue, really. What it is or where it came from, but it’s here, right in his face, obstructing his work. Like a bastard.

He’ll have to call up a tow truck or something to pluck this sucker out, which will take forever and there go his plans for Friday night out.

Jungkook walks around the pool, inspecting the strange contraption from all sides. It’s slick and round and very, very chrome. Perhaps - a submarine. Some ultra-slick technology with masking abilities. Which apparently can fly, but not very well, otherwise, how the fuck it’d ended up stuck in his pool.

Those rich fucks and their stupid malfunctioning toys, eh. 

Jungkook sighs and kicks the empty coke can lying about. It flies off towards the pod, ricocheting right off its shiny cask with a sharp clank. And now he has even more trash to dredge up from the puddle bellow. What joy.

As he is about to roll over and wail in self-pity, the pod wakes up with a tremor, sending shallow ripples over the water. Jungkook freezes, frantically thinking over his choices - his gut reaction is to hightail the fuck out of here, because the thing is starting to show signs of life and it doesn’t sit well with Jungkook, not one bit.

He better scram and scram fast. Fuck the money and his uncle - especially his uncle - no one told him scrubbing pools involved close encounters of the third kind.

He makes to do just that but doesn’t make it too far as he bumps into someone, loosing his balance and sending them both to the ground. With a groan, he opens his eyes to stare at the unfortunate soul who had to bear the brunt of the fall on their- his. 

It’s definitely a he. A he so stunning Jungkook’s jaw goes slack and his brain radio-silent. Meanwhile, the he doesn’t waste any time making the most of their proximity as he slithers his hands around Jungkook’s neck and presses against him in a soft sweet kiss.

A supernova goes off at the back of his skull. 

It was awesome.

“Hello,” the other says, a quality to his voice that is out of this world. He must be out of this world, because how?

“I’m Jimin.”

“Hi,” Jungkook says.

A dumb grin takes over his face.

He’s tingly all over. He thinks he’s in love. 

“You’re gorgeous, Jimin-ah. Will you marry me?”

“Marry?” Jimin says tentatively as if testing the word on his tongue. His lips are pretty and full, forming a perpetual pout. It’s adorable. “I can’t marry. I need to mate.”

“Oh.” That throws Jungkook for a loop, as his heart swells with emotion. “Mate who?”

“You,” Jimin smiles. “Serendipity has chosen you as the most suitable candidate within this quadrant of our galaxy. We’re compatible.”

“Wow,” Jungkook whispers. He understands jack shit, but it does feel like serendipity, doesn't it. Just a moment ago, he was one miserable son of a bitch and now…he’s the luckiest son of a bitch in the whole fucking quadrant of their galaxy. 

“You do know I’m scrubbing pools for a living, right?”

He props himself up on his hands, hovering over the gorgeous Jimin and eyeing him like a candy on a stick. Jimin has pretty dainty hands. They are always in motion, feelings up Jungkook’s arm muscles, bulging all prettily just for him - this shameless little minx.

“I know everything about you,” Jimin says, his voice washing over Jungkook’s mind like a gentle summer tide.

Turns his brain all mush-mush. 

“Every second of your waking moment. Every dream, every thought you’ve had. Serendipity has shown me all of it.”

Whomever this Serendipity is, Jungkook hopes it didn’t show every single thought he had. After a certain age, they’d gotten rather repetitive and tended to fixate mostly on things below the belt - which is not the image of himself he wants to project into this world. 

“You’re thinking too much,” Jimin purrs, tapping his temple lightly.

His hands wind up in Jungkook’s hair, massaging the scalp and down his neck. His touches are flitting, almost shy and it kindles longing in Jungkook like never before. It tramples all of the questions budding in his head. Melting reason away. Before he knows they’re kissing again and it plays out like a dream. 

He’s doing something, but he’s not really in control. It feels good. Peaceful, he’s in a safe place. Jimin’s touches are weightless and tender as he maps out his body with the very tips of his fingers. 

Like he can reach everywhere - can touch anywhere.

The moment something prods his mind, gentle and soothing - akin to a light breeze caressing the leaves - Jungkook shivers. Falls under. A feeling like no other. Floating, like a little air bubble. 

It’s gone as sudden as it came and Jungkook finds himself yearning.

“We can’t do it here,” Jimin says as they both move upright in sync. He grabs Jungkook’s hand. “Let’s go. Serendipity will have to stay here for now.”

“Serendipity?” Jungkook asks, shaking off the drowsiness as his brain slowly kicks back into gear. “You mean that pod thing?”

“Don’t call her ‘a thing’,” Jimin chides. “She has feelings. Quite a temper, too.”

“Damn, a she-pod with feelings”.

They’re standing now with Jimin plastered against his chest and nuzzling his mighty pec. Not awkward at all. 

“She’s a ship. The most intelligent ship in the whole galaxy. Completely self-aware,” Jimin says, exploring the vastness of Jungkook’s chest with his curious palms now. Jungkook starts to notice a certain obsession here of a tactile nature, but can’t find it in himself to complain. “Be kind to her.”

“I am kind,” Jungkook says. “I’m like...wait, who are you?”

“I’m Jimin.”

“Okay,” Jungkook nods. “But what kind of Jimin are you? Where did you come from? You’re not with the Joneses here, are you?”

With the burden of rational thinking, Jungkook slumps into a realization that he has questions. And he must ask them. 

“No, I’m from space,” Jimin says like it’s not big deal. “We need to go,” he commands, taking charge and dragging Jungkook along.

“Space? Wow,” Jungkook says. “That’s, ah, nice, I guess. Never been myself, what with the radiation and minus fuck-ton degrees, you know. Transportation kinda sucks, too. I don’t know if you’re aware but we’re kinda still in the stone age or whatever, but, ehm...remember when I was lying on top of you, with our private parts perfectly aligned? That was nice too, wanna, ehm, do that again?”

“Here is not safe,” Jimin says and at least, it’s not a no. “Serendipity can hide herself well enough, but it’s a matter of time before he tracks me down. And if that happens, I don’t want him to track me down right next to her.”

“Who’s he?” 

“Just a man who never gives up what’s his.”

“You mean, like, ex-boyfriend?” Jungkook asks, swallowing down an annoying spike of jealousy. “Do you even have boyfriends in space?”

“I meant Serendipity, not me,” Jimin says. “And yes, we do have boyfriends up there in space. You don’t have to worry though, he’s been mated for the past five hundred years. He’s that boring.”

Jungkook lets out a low whistle.

“If his mate looks anything like you, that’s understandable.”

[captcas]

Worth Fighting For

WORTH FIGHTING FOR by capthamm

Killian “Hook” Jones is a dominate up and comer in the UFC while Emma “The Savior” Swan’s career was cut short. When Hook’s manager moves up and the office brings in UFC’s youngest legend to keep him in check, will either of them be able to handle it?

read on ao3 // tumblr: ch 1/ ch 2

[CHAPTER 3/?]

Saturday night brings their monthly movie/game night and Emma has never been more grateful for a distraction. Ruby and the Nolans will come over around 6 o’clock and Henry is practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. Tonight’s theme is Star Wars and this will be Henry’s official introduction to the series; at David’s insistence they’re starting with A New Hope and going release order from there. They’re also going to play Star Wars trivia which Henry will undoubtedly suck at.

Should be a fun night all around.

And it was, until Henry went to bed and the “adults” got to talking.

Ruby cracks another beer and turns to Emma, “So, Emma, you’ve got probably the coolest new job in the world and you haven’t said jack shit.”

She shoots Ruby an icy glare as David and MM stop bickering over whether or not Kylo Ren deserved a redemption arc to hear what Emma has to say.

Emma sighs, “It’s going alright. All the onboarding is underway and between the perks, benefits, and pay, Henry should be set for life.” She’s been fortunate to live off her winnings for the past nine years, being mindful of money and not giving into the lifestyle of frivolous spending many fighters take on, but -even her friends know- she doesn’t have a money tree.

The looks on their faces when she mentions Henry being set for life could melt 1000 Olafs. When she arrived at Ruth Nolan’s home at the age of 16, she never expected to find a family. Hardened by a life too lived for anyone her age, Emma assumed they’d be like every other foster home and use her for the money. To this day, she’s never been so happy to be wrong.

Emma’s not sure what twist of fate landed an orphan with such a great support system, but she’ll be forever grateful. David took to the “protective brother” role immediately. Soon after Emma moved in, he met Mary Margaret (fireworks and butterflies and all that mumbo jumbo) who introduced them to Ruby. They’re small, and maybe a bit scrappy, but they’re family.

She breaks out of her thoughts and returns to the present, “I will need some babysitting though; I’m required to attend each of my client’s Fight Nights. But overall it’s great, really!”

She hopes she squeaked away without having to mention Jones at all but the glint in Ruby’s eye tells her otherwise. “Ok that’s all fine and dandy,” Mary Margaret shoots Ruby an incredulous look, warning her to tread carefully, but Ruby ignores her and continues, “but who’s the client?”

David is giving her a protective father vibe, Ms is practically vibrating, and she's pretty sure Ruby is salivating. Emma sighs realizing she shouldn’t postpone the inevitable, “Killian Jones.”

Ruby practically drops her drink and Mary Margaret squeals, David rolls his eyes and turns back to the TV where SportsCenter has been playing in the background. Mary Margaret beats Ruby to the punch, “THE Killian Jones?! As in Killian “Hook” Jones?!”

Emma nods, standing up to refill the only slightly empty chip bowl in front of her. She knew this was going to happen and she wasn’t exactly looking forward to her friends thirsting over her client– client… right.

Ruby speaks next, “Well that is probably the best case scenario. Do you think he can get us tickets? Have you met him? Is he as gorgeous in person as he is on TV? Can we meet him?”

Emma, now glad she’s in the kitchen with space to breathe, is starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. She knows Ms can sense it and is unsurprised when she speaks next,“For Christ’s sake Ruby let her breathe. She’s probably only had her initial meeting with him.”

Ruby seems to get the hint and it doesn’t take long before Ms is in the kitchen helping Emma pick up the leftover pizza, “We’re happy for you, Emma. He’s a huge client for them, they obviously trust you to do a good job.” Emma nods in thanks and they both head back into the living room. Her sister-in-law’s warmth always calms her (and Ruby) down which allows David to jump in and change the subject to the coverage of some football player’s arrest on SportsCenter. Emma finally catches a breath and realizes just how lucky she is for the friend dynamic they have before settling in to debate if this James Spencer kid should still be eligible for the draft.

As she lays in bed that night, Ms’ words ring through her head. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions she’s been feeling, Killian is a huge client, one that was formerly represented by a namesake for the company. This re energizes her a bit and helps her fall asleep, actually excited for what's to come.

She wakes up Sunday morning and makes Henry some pancakes and declares it a lazy Sunday. Henry happily obliged, cuddling up on the couch with The Deathly Hallows while Emma threw on some shitty reality TV.

. . .

When her alarm rings Monday morning, Emma pulls her pillow over her head like some teenager from one of those Disney Channel movies.

It takes her a second to remember what day it is and why she’s up at this godforsaken hour.

Killian Jones. Right.

She audibly groans before rolling out of bed and getting ready for the day. Between her shower and breakfast she gets Henry up. School starts at 8 so he’s technically running a bit behind but he’ll make it on the bus in time… hopefully.

She’s pouring him a bowl of cereal when he comes out of his room zipping up his sweater and rubbing his eyes.

“Hey, kid. Coco Puffs or Fruit Loops?” He mumbles some semblance of what she thinks is Fruit Loops so she pours the bowl and slides it across the kitchen island. He smiles in thanks as she pours her own bowl and sits beside him.

“So today’s the big day?”

She didn’t tell Henry about her new client and when she spoke to the Nolan’s and Ruby, he was definitely supposed to be sleeping. “How could you possibly know that?”

“You’re not as quiet as you think you are and I’m not as tired as you think I am.” He yawns as if to punctuate his point.

“Uh huh, sure, kid.” He gives her a knowing glance and she realizes she’s not getting out of this. She runs her hands over her face and sighs, “Yes, today is the first meeting and I’m only slightly nervous to fu— screw this whole thing up.”

Henry chuckles at her attempted censorship (she never said she was a perfect parent), “You’ll be great, Mom, and Hook seems like a decent enough guy. I’m sure he won’t give you too much trouble.”

She stares at Henry a bit dumbfounded. It shocks her everyday how old he’s getting– nine going on nineteen for sure.  “Are you hiding some Weasley’s Extendable Ears in your room or something? Are you a wizard? Should you be at Hogwarts?” Emma is very obviously trying to derail this conversation but it works, setting Henry off about how he’s finally on the sixth book and explaining the concept of a horcrux.

Oh, her sweet summer child.

God, maybe he is old enough for UFC.

When did that happen?

She ushers Henry to the bus, promising him they’ll watch the sixth movie tonight if he finishes the book today and is to school on time. It’s only September and he can’t be late three times in the first month of school. She kisses his forehead and he wishes her good luck.

Sometimes she wonders how such a screw up ended up with the perfect kid.

After cleaning up the kitchen, Emma finishes getting ready. She jumps on the subway and finds herself at the office with a half hour to spare. She’s never early so she chalks it up to nerves and uses the time to prep for this meeting.

Over the weekend she received multiple emails from Gold’s team surrounding a possible spot for Killian on the card for the pay-per-view Fight Night in November.

A pay-per-view card. She did enough research about Killian this weekend to know that would be his first.

Emma feels like she’s been thrown into the deep end before being taught how to swim.

Go big or go home.

She did a lot of research about Killian and learned practically nothing. She knows he came here from London almost ten years ago and that his team includes his head trainer Robin (husband of now former manager Regina Mills), and three other men named Will Scarlett, August Booth, and William Smee (he’s really selling it with that whole Hook theme). Other than that all she found was his record and highlights. He’s 6-0 which is insane for only being in the circuit for a year and a half– fighters are usually limited to three, maybe four fights a year.

4 of his 6 are knockouts.

He’s good… really good.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a light tapping on the edge of her cubicle. She glances up to find none other than the man himself. She can’t help but double take.

Real professional, Emma.

She's only ever seen him in the ring, at the gym, or dressed up for a business meeting. She’s not sure what she expected, but a leather jacket and pants that fit him like his own skin definitely weren’t it.

He looks good… really good.

Emma snaps herself out of it, “Hi, Mr. Jones, just give me a moment and we can head to the conference room.”

“It’s Killian, love, please.” She notices he winces at the seemingly habitual pet name. Emma ignores the ring of disappointment that runs through her gut at the realization that it may not be reserved for her. “A conference room’s a bit formal, don’t you think? Let’s get out of here, Swan.”

He grabs her hand before she can answer. “Mr.— Killian. Is this allowed?”

He chuckles. “We can plan the meetings at our leisure,” he says the last bit in an almost scary imitation of Regina, “but even still, Regina and I never met in office. A bit silly for two people to take up an entire conference room, yeah? Come on, lass, try something new. It’s called trust.”

Emma rolls her eyes but follows along anyway. The elevator ride should’ve been awkward but Killian kept the conversation flowing by asking her preferred drink. “Coffee, tea, or smoothies?”

Despite the risk of sounding like a child, Emma finds herself being honest with him, “Uhh, I actually prefer hot chocolate… with cinnamon.”

He smiles brightly at her, as though her drink order was the most brilliant discovery this century, “Perfect, Swan. I know just the place.”

She was so swept up in his ambush, she doesn’t realize that this isn’t the cocky, asshat Killian Jones she sees on tv or at the gym until he’s practically dragging her across the street to a small cafe. This Killian seems genuine and carries this almost childlike excitement.

Emma tells herself she has no interest in learning more about this Killian.

(Emma doesn’t have to tell herself that that is complete bullshit.)

. . .

He can’t stop himself from beaming when she offers up her drink order without hesitation. Killian feels like a bloody teenager around her. He promised himself he wouldn’t feel this way again, but something about Emma Swan has completely entranced him.

He finds himself fascinated with every part of her, including the small things, like the fact she takes cinnamon on her hot chocolate.

Once they get to the cafe across the street, Killian forces himself to dial it back. He can tell she’s guarded and as much as he’d like to be friends (more than friends) with the lass, he knows business has to come first.

It wouldn’t exactly be a good look for him if he ran “The Savior” out of the office on her second day.

Somehow he thinks he doesn’t have that power.

He’d like to. (Obviously not to run her out of the office, but he’d like his existence to mean that much to her.)

Bloody hell, he's being ridiculous.

They sit down across from each other at a small table by the window. He expects to start the conversation but before he can form a coherent thought she’s speaking.

“So, Killian. I’ve already received some correspondence from Gold’s team. I’m not sure how much time you usually take between fights and I know it’s already the end of September but…”

She’s rambling and he doesn’t think he’s ever seen anybody so adorable when they’re nervous.

Adorable is not a professional descriptor.

Killian Jones doesn’t want “professional” with Emma Swan.

Fuck.

“...Gold is hoping to get you on the main card for November 14th.”

Did she just say main card?

He chokes on his coffee.

“Main card, Swan? I’ve never been on the main card. Strictly early prelims…”

She eyes him suspiciously, “Usually that’s a good thing. Upward momentum and all that. His team is clearly impressed by your dominant record.”

“Is his team the only one impressed?” The flirt escapes him before he can stop it.  

Bloody idiot.

She doesn’t even bat an eye, “The entire league seems to be impressed, Jones.” Her tone tells him she knows what just happened but she shut it down immediately.

He likes a challenge.

Emma Swan may be his favorite challenge yet.

Emma Swan is off limits, but Killian will be damned if he cares.

. . .

Emma is surprised when Killian pays for their drinks despite her insistence that she can charge it to Mills Management. She’s also surprised by how nice he is.

She keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She’s still waiting.

He’s definitely flirtatious, every other sentence being easily twisted into some sort of innuendo, but she can tell it’s a front. The little things he does like tipping the barista an extra fifty cents or holding the door for her, let on to the man behind the persona.

Well, and the fact he practically chokes when she tells him they want him for the main card.

He seems genuinely shocked that anyone would be impressed by him. His mask comes out almost immediately, another innuendo laced into his question. She doesn’t let him go there, shutting it down as quickly as it started. For this to work, she needs him the real him. Not the cocky MMA fighter who he used to catch the eye of UFC execs. She compliments him, and it’s beyond genuine. That seems to calm his nerves a bit as they move into social media management and he shifts into a professionalism she’s not entirely prepared for.

She’s not sure she wants professional Killian Jones.

Whoa, Emma, pump the breaks.

She shakes it off as she watches him take notes on what she’s saying about the importance of a lead up on Twitter and how it can set the tone for the entire fight. His tongue runs along the inside of his lower lip as he concentrates and she can’t help the overwhelming wave of attraction that hits her.

Like lightning.

It’s not just the tongue, (but that’s not helping) it’s his dedication to this sport and how he actually gives a fuck about what she’s saying. Killian never displayed even a hint of the deeply rooted misogyny that runs rampant throughout the industry. He actually seems almost humbled by her presence. The words escape her mouth before she can’t stop them, “Why are you actually taking anything I say seriously?”

Very professional, Emma. Way to instill confidence in your client. Smooth.

His head snaps up at her abrupt question and he looks confused. “I know you don’t like being called a legend, Swan, but you were a damn good fighter. If I walk out of this partnership with half the following and success you had, I’d call that a win.”

She’s stunned by his sincerity.

Brick. Wall. (She thinks she hears Pink Floyd somewhere in the distance.)

“And I suppose you think you know all about me from our, what, three conversations now?” She knows it’s snippy, that’s the point.

He stops typing and puts his phone down. “Pardon me, love, but you’re a bit of an open book.”

Emma scoffs, “Anyone with the internet knows I prefer people don’t call me a legend.”

“Aye, but do they know it’s because you feel too young with a career too short to have made an impact? That you feel choosing yourself, a life, over MMA removes all glory from your name?”

Emma is entirely shaken by his apparent ability to read her like a fucking picture book. (Does that even make sense? Do you read picture books?) Emma never had a formal retirement ceremony; gloves in the middle of the ring and all that. She had asked Gold to be taken off the roster and for a quiet exit and that’s what he’d given her. The public doesn’t know the real reason she left MMA, her attempt at keeping Henry’s life as normal as possible, but somehow Killian–

Brick. Brick. Brick.

“Let’s talk about Instagram.” She sees the disappointment sweep across his face, realizing she can read him pretty well too. That’s terrifying.

Way more terrifying than social media plans.

They keep it strictly business for the rest of the meeting. She’s startled when her stomach rumbles and she checks the time.

12:00. They’ve been strategizing for three hours.

She’s not sure where the time went, and when Killian asks her if she wants to grab a bite to eat together, she’s startled again by her initial gut reaction to say yes.

Obviously, she says no and makes up some lie about needing to get back to the office. He knows it’s a lie, she can see it all over his face. He doesn’t push her though, and she’s grateful. They set their next meeting and Emma’s heart speeds up, seemingly unaware that this is a business meeting and not a date. She shakes his hand and promises to have a full plan ready for Thursday before practically sprinting out of the cafe.

In three conversations Killian Jones has gone from asshat to… who knows. One thing Emma does know is that Killian Jones is off limits to the highest of ethical degrees. But what scares her most, is that she’s not entirely sure she cares.

. . .

As soon as he asks her to lunch he knows he’s pushed too far.

Actually, he perhaps pushed too far by letting on just how easy it was for him to read her, but lunch, well that was just asking for a brick wall. He runs his hands across his face, completely taken with someone he has no right to. She’s witty, smart, and could probably kick his ass— scratch that, could definitely kick his ass— but she also has demons, he can see them swimming behind her eyes. Demons that seem scarily similar to his, maybe not on the surface but definitely in their damage. Emma is raw and unapologetic; a real human being who is, for all intents and purposes, unimpressed by the suave persona of Killian “Hook” Jones.

She’s bloody perfect.

He’s fucking fucked.

Eloquent.

Killian decides to grab a quick lunch from the cafe and head to the gym. He has a lot of pent up frustration and really feels the need to punch something. Thank god that’s his job. He scarfs down his sandwich, not realizing how hungry he was and jumps on the subway to the training center. He miraculously finds a seat and is able to scroll through his phone a bit. As he pokes around Twitter he finds an article announcing Emma “The Savior” Swan’s comeback to the UFC. He clicks on it, curiosity getting the better of him despite probably knowing the gist of the article.

He didn’t expect a timeline of her very impressive career:

2008: Swan joins the UFC with her Boston gym. Her debut match against Aurora Rose ended in a TKO. She’s back in action six months later fighting Ella Tremaine. She wins again, this time after three rounds by split decision.

2009: A dominant start to the year for The Savior with a first round submission against Tiana Dampier in January. She rounded out her year with another first round submission against El Oldenburg in May, and a third round knockout against Esmerelda Gringoire in October.

2010: Swan goes three rounds with Merida Baer and wins by unanimous decision. Swan wins again after three rounds by split decision against Megara Alcmene. The Savior’s final match is a KO against Mulan Fa rounding out her record to 8-0. Her next match, meant to be for the women’s title, was declined with no comment from The Savior.

2020: Swan joins Mills Management as a talent manager assigned to Killian “Hook” Jones.

Killian knew Swan was good, an early legend in her own right, but he had no idea she was this dominant. He also had no idea she left without so much as a wave goodbye. He figured he’d just missed the announcement seeing as it came well before his introduction into the sport. Against his typical moral code, he tries to google why she left but finds nothing. She knocks out Mulan Fa and then just stops being added to cards and fades away as new fighters take her place.

He knows there’s a reason for her secrecy and he’d be lying if he said curiosity was the only driving force behind his attempt to learn more. He finds himself wanting to know everything there is to know about Emma Swan; a deeper part of him aches for her to be the one who tells him.

He’s positive he can only dream of gaining that level of trust from her, but he has to try. Liam's words ring heavy in his ears, "A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets."

He gets off at the stop closest to the training center and walks through the front doors, waving to Belle at the front desk before heading into the locker room. He’s fortunate to be on the UFC roster, allowing him to keep his training gear at the center and not have to worry about lugging it around with him. It also gives him the freedom to come here whenever he needs to let off some steam. He changes quickly and finds a treadmill to warm up. He jogs a mile and a half before picking up the pace. Killian’s in the midst of his runner’s high when someone steps into the machine next to him. He turns his head to offer them a small smile in hello, it’s not that big of a gym, exclusive to the UFC industry and a few friends of friends, so chances are he knows the person at least in passing.

Oh, Killian knows them alright, and he practically falls off the treadmill when he sees her green eyes blown wide.

[lumiereswig]

hey all so i just saw ‘hadestown’ and feel duty bound to tell you fools everything about it because i, too, remember what it is to be lonely and on the internet and too poor to see some snazzy broadway shit

there’s no fanfare or anything. the show opens with all the cast coming on—and obviously the audience is going buckwild, especially with amber gray. (u can tell there’s a lot of great comet fans in the audience.) only once everybody is settled does hermes really TAKE THE STAGE.

and boy does he take it. sassy lil shit knows he owns it and just stands there taking in his audience, before flipping his jacket back with dramatic flare (to show his SNAZZY-ASS SILVER THREADED VEST) and starting to sing. (cue noisy wah-wah trombone.)

the setting is p. clearly a bar; orpheus p. clearly works there. he’s like being artsy with the napkins and shit, blossoming them into roses. eurydice is a traveler; she carries with her, wrapped in brown silk, an alter candle that she lights. (after sassing hermes into giving her a match to light it with.) eurydice balances her candle with the paper rose orpheus later makes and gives to her.

orpheus is pretty childlike and dreaming in this version. (not the cocky boy from the off broadway production.) he comes off as kind of lanky and awkward and not quite there; naive is definitely a defining adjective for him. everything about him is soft and gentle and in a dreaming world.

eurydice is kind of a classic tough girl but she’s got a strand of helplessness to her. she puts on a show of not being impressed by orpheus until he sings her the song he’s working on, and manages to bring a rose into his palm.

environmental collapse is a HUGE theme thru this—bigger than i thought it would be. eurydice’s first lines are about how there’s no spring or autumn anymore; everything is winter or summer, too hot or cold to live. the fates sing of the winds—the fates sort of torment her throughout this—but climate change looms as a dread through the show. orpheus hopes his song will bring back summer, put the seasons back in tune.

anyway, everyone’s hanging out at a new orleans style bar. even hades and persephone are there, though above it all in a balcony of their own

did i mention bradley king is a god among lighting designers?

because that will come back a lot

anyway hermes is sort of an uncle figure to orpheus; he was friends with orpheus’s mother, a muse. as soon as orpheus sees eurydice he wants to talk to her, and hermes advices him not to ‘come on too strong’—

and well that plan goes immediately out the window : ‘come home with me!’ [eurydice: ’what?’]

orpheus is just intensely awkward. skinny pale child doesn’t know how to interact with the world

they have kind of an argumentative relationship from the start—they don’t face each other very often; there’s a push and pull as he longs for her and she, kneejerk tough girl, tries not to go for this. but the rose from his palm enchants her, and she holds on to it. ‘you have to finish your song.’

GODDDD AMBER GRAY IS JUST LIIIIIIIFE. her persephone is a total lush and frequently staggers through act 1. she also has a fabulous white coat that gradients to green at the sleeves. when she dances you can’t tell if she’s about to pass out or float up to the ceiling.

when orpheus gives the toast he’s just so awkward it’s appalling

(and everyone toasts except eurydice)

hades wears sunglasses when he comes to the world above to bring persephone back to the world below. he descends from his balcony to get her, and brings her to the center of the stage—and then, oh, SHIT, there’s a fucking perfect round trap door right where they’re standing, and they descend below. (amber gray looking up to the slowly disappearing sky with the face of a martyr who’s used to the gig.)

winter’s hard. eurydice has to bust back out her old ass coat (instead of the winsome black slip thing and brown vest thing she was wearing), and the Fates, bitches as they be, try to fuckin rip it off her. (and succeed. the choreography looks like wind! also chairs and tables looked like they were floating earlier but i forgot to mention that.)

eurydice is trying to get ORPHEUS’S FUCKIN ATTENTION bout the fact they got no food and, uh, three bitchy old ladies dressed all in gray just took her coat, but he’s submerged in writing his song to bring back the weather. and while this is all going on, hades and persephone are having their age-old argument about how hell is too hot and too loud and IT AIN’T RIGHT, IT AIN’T NATURAL.

because, get this, after descending to hell they descended /back up/ into it, and u can tell cuz the lighting is fuckin genius. i’ll explain later except i won’t.

orpheus is just OUT OF IT and not hearing anything at all eurydice is tryin to fuckin say. (the tune keeps going wrong.) hades is sick of persephone not being with his electric shiny no-good shittiness and lays his eyes on eurydice as easy prey.

he puts on his sunglasses again and u know it’s bad news.

he talks her over and gives her her ‘ticket’—two silver coins that she momentarily holds up over her eyes as she looks at us, letting us know that this is some death imagery. she holds both hades’ coins and orpheus’s flower—and, making up her mind, calls out orpheus’s name one last time and descends into the underworld through that same miraculous trap.

and then, fuck me, the trap comes back up but just the red flower is on it. fuuuuuck meeeeeeee i may have wept.

orpheus finishes his damn song and hermes lets him know that hE FUCKED UP HIS WHOLE DAMN LIFE SHE GONE, BITCH, and orpheus sees the flower on the trap door and then he’s weeping, too.

and then we get to ‘wait for me’ and holy shit, y’all, i never been so fully into something in my life? it was so physically intoxicating i almost wanted to throw up. like, wonder as a liquid beverage. tHE LIGHTING? ? i fuckin felt awe on this earth today, i saw god and he’s lit by bradley king.

because! hades’ workers bring on these industrial metal lamps, and they hook them to the wires in the ceiling, and they SEND THEM SWINGING OUT INTO THE FUCKIGN AUDIENCE. they fuckin—they—they they they!—they fucking did! that! sent them swinging out in perfect rhythm and time, fully lit, swinging around orpheus and into the audience. and tHEN! THE FUCKIN SET! BEGINS TO GROW!!!

remember the first time u saw the nutcracker as a child and the growing christmas tree fuckin ripped ur world apart? it’s like that except times ten thousand

like it felt like. like the fuckin world was coming apart. the bar set is slowly ripping open and golden light is just searing into your eyeballs and the golden lamps are still swinging around orpheus and it literally felt like god had opened up a cold one and was just singing something horrible into being. it was wonder. i want to see it again.

like. stagecraft, babyyy

and u think act 1 will end on that because why would it nOT but no, we get ‘why we build the wall,’ which is a sort of chilling propoganda thing where everybody is facing forward and just telling back to hades whatever he’s yelling about, and persephone is there and i’m not sure why (like does she believe this? is she the unwilling consort? what’s the deal?)

and at the end eurydice comes in, and sort of picks up on the gestures everybody is doing—in that way everyone does when they come into a room and they want to vaguely pass as with it so they try to sync in to the general vibe. ‘uhh sure everyone’s waving their hands and talkin about walls so i guess i will too’, that kind of thing

hades shows her up to his office (the balcony door) to sign the papers. as soon as he’s gone, amber gray whips round to face the audience. ‘anybody want a drink?’

it’s intermission and i’m still trying to catch up on all the gasp-crying i started during ‘wait for me’

we also get an overpriced hadestown cup cuz get while the getting’s good, right?

back in act 2 and it’s our lady of the underground, ie amber gray in her exact outfit from above except instead of lurid green it’s savage black. (and instead of a bouncy curly brown wig it’s a black sparkly snood.) she dances and pivots and rivets her way through it, introducing the band, being winsome savage bite-your-face-off-and-offer-to-share-it-with-you amber gray. she’s got a neat little ring-shaped silver flask that hangs from her hand like a purse, and i want one.

eurydice emerges from the office dressed in the same overalls as the other workers—though she looks sexy af in them, ngl—and sings ‘flowers,’ and talks about how nobody down here looks at her, and how it’s like they don’t even see her. the underworld is not what she thought it would be. she wants to go home but can’t. she can’t remember orpheus’s name.

uNTIL HE SHOWS UP! Punk ass bitch made it, somehow, and stumbles onto the stage with guitar in hand. she knows his name immediately. but she can’t leave, because she signed her soul away.

u knew all this. it’s classic myth. did i mention patrick page as hades sounds like the combined harmonics of every rumbling truck on the george washington bridge every time he decides to sing?

orpheus has A Moment™ where it’s like, if this is what the world is, if people sign their names up for shit and i can’t save them, i guess i’ll just go home. but he talks himself out of it (apparently his magic vocal cords work on him, too), and actually talks himself (and the stone workers of the underworld!) into activism.

amber gray and patrick page share a duet i’ve never heard before, and it’s fine, and i think it still needs fine tuning cuz im not sure exactly how persephone feels about hades in this bit. it’s fine. what matters is that at the end of it, hades is FUCKED because rebellion is brewing.

he gets orpheus to sing his song. and holy shit, is it a doozy. holy shit, but were we all crying. hooooolyyy shiiiiiit.

holy shit.

when hades sings the refrain at the end, amber gray looks like she’s experiencing the most visceral, exquisite, heartfelt, heartbroken pain of her life. she literally bends as if she’s felt this pain in her stomach—this pain, this anguish over the song she hasn’t heard for so long from this one man she loved so well.

and when a rose blossoms from hades’s palm, persephone is both crying and laughing. it’s like the old times have bloomed again.

and then they dance.

also, should have mentioned earlier, it’s implied it’s not an og song orpheus is singing; he’s actually stumbled on an ancient one, perhaps one hades used to sing, and THAT’S why it’s so devastating—not just his talent and voice, but the memory of it, the memories it brings back. it’s an ancient song, almost a spell, that can heal the seasons.

hades and persephone hold each other close, nuzzling almost, and eurydice faces orpheus, and for a second u think it’s going to be ok because eurydice is so joyful and persephone and hades have healed. o & e  think they’re gonna leave. they think everybody can leave.

but nope, hades can’t have that. damned if he does, damned if he don’t—so he sets the test for orpheus, but u really get the sense that he’s not doing it from a sense of cruelty any more. it almost pains him to do this shit. but the rivet of steel in his character won’t let himself become king of nothing.

hermes presents the challenge: ‘ive got good news, and bad.’ orpheus keeps asking hermes if it’s a trick; hermes keeps saying it’s a test, a trial. (it’s really a TRAGEDY.)

persephone is wooed by the fact that hades even let them try.

ugh, doubt comes in is. devastating. every single person in the audience audibly gasped—u FELT the air leave the room—when he turned around. we all genuinely believed it would end differently this time. we thought it would. i knew it was coming and i still was DEVASTATED.

eurydice is, too. she started as the doubter, and she had so much BELIEF they were gonna get out of this. ‘it’s you—it’s me—’ she says. she’s already sinking through the trap. fuckin hell, they were on the last few steps. i’m still fuckin emotional about it

orpheus just crashes to the edge of the trap, staring down into the abyss. hermes is singing, softly, about how it’s an old song—it’s an old tale—it’s a tragedy. and then he roars—in a way that cheers me up—WE’RE GONNA SING IT AGAIN.

because that’s the power of it! it happened, it was horrible, but we’re going to SING about it—and maybe change the ending this time—the way orpheus tried to, when he sang his way to hades and sang his way to the stones. it’s the singing of the event that matters, that might matter.

and eurydice is back at the bar, wanting matches—orpheus is back at the bar, seeing her for the first time across the room—and the story goes on, like the seasons .fuckin incredible. everybody in the auditiorium now is tear-stained.

APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE

lasted for like.....seven minutes?? it took ages and the actors were just soaking it up, looking exhausted, because DAMN it is exhausting to chart anguish and joy and victory and determination and love in two hours and 25 minutes

and then hermes shushes the house—because of course he does—and amber gray leads the final toast. it’s acoustic—it sounded to me like she wasn’t even using her microphone? it wasn’t brash at all, just raw—and a simple, honest, kind of homespun way to end the show. and it finally ended, and we cheered one last time, and then we went home sobbing and shaking and wanting to do the whole damn thing again

it was great and the stagecraft was some of the best i’ve ever seen and i’ve literally felt maybe only 3 productions like this, where this emotional shit is actually sitting in your lungs, and u should go, the end

[demaury]

Only You (chap.1)

For Lucas, life has always been rather bittersweet, between shitty family situations and crappy self-esteem overall, but his eighteenth birthday marks yet another dramatic turn that no amount of cynicism could have prepared him for. (ao3 link)

February 2019

Scrap, scrap, scrap.

The pencil was grazing the paper sheet with so much precision and regularity that Lucas had no trouble supplying the missing sound of the lead. His eyes were focused on the hands of the customer sitting outside, only tearing away when the guy set the pencil down to roll himself a cigarette. Of course he was a smoker. February had been relatively lenient so far, but it was a bit too early in the year to spend more time outside than necessary, unless you were a smoker. He didn’t know how long he had been looking, but a lifetime of noisy canteen tables had given him the ability to tune his loud friends out whenever he wanted to — perhaps too effectively, because now he had three pairs of eyes on him.

He was forced to refocus his attention on his own table, tearing his eyes away from the street. Last time he had tried to find interest in the conversation, it had been about some party the guys wanted to go, since apparently Arthur had game with a friend of Marine’s, his platonic soulmate. Nothing that called for his contribution, from what he knew, but maybe he had missed the part where it got interesting.  

“What?”, he asked blankly.

“He’s hot,” Yann simply commented with an approving nod.

Lucas followed his gesture, directed towards the guy sitting outside.

“Super hot,” Basile confirmed, pausing from slaughtering a viennoiserie to spare a glance.

“I was looking at the drawings,” Lucas said, eyes falling onto his now lucky-warm cup of coffee.

“So you can actually see anything from here?” Arthur deadpanned.

Lucas’ eyes travelled between the three of them, but the insistence they had to look outside made him turn back one more time. It was the worst idea he probably ever had. Because yes, the guy was beautiful, but he was also staring right the fuck back at him from the other side of the glass. Lucas was sure he could feel his eyes burning holes into his skin — not in a bad way, but in a totally, a 100% fucked up way.

Lucas’ head snapped back the other way, so fast he nearly broke his neck in the process. Smooth, Lallemant, real smooth, he thought sarcastically.

“He’s looking at you,” Basile remarked unhelpfully and far, far too eagerly to Lucas’ taste.

“No he’s not,” he gritted out, scowling. “He’s looking at us, because you are fucking creeps. Stop staring!”

“Says the one who was staring first,” Arthur snorted. “Bro, you weren’t even blinking.”

“I was looking at the drawings,” Lucas hammered, whisper-screaming. “Can we just collectively ignore him now and drop the subject?”

It could have come in handy for him to know what the conversation was about before it came to this, maybe he would have had higher chances to redirect it on safer grounds, but as it was what were the odds that they had changed subject since the last time he tried to care?

Yann quirked a brow, apparently far from being done. “So you’d just pass on him?”

“I’m not passing on anything, he’s just a guy,” Lucas retorted.

“Right,” Arthur drawled, extending the ‘i’ obnoxiously. “Just a guy. Staring the fuck at you. Plus, our love lives are a lot less miserable than yours.”

“I just got out of a relationship, I’ll let you know,” Basile retorted haughtily.

“And I’m not interested in dating these days,” Yann shrugged.

“Then why can’t you just understand that I’m not interested either?” Lucas huffed, ignoring Basile’s intervention to focus on Yann.

He profoundly hated the sudden tone of the conversation, all too aware where this was going. He wished he was wrong, but as soon as Yann sighed and leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table, Lucas knew it wasn’t the case.

“Because it’s about your soulmate,” he said, “not about you not wanting to date.”

“It always is,” Arthur quipped in his cup of coffee.

Lucas’ stomach tightened, and he instinctively averted his eyes.

Today had been an empty day. Not bad, not good. Just empty, an hour carrying him here and the other carrying there. It wasn’t all that bad, it was even days like these that Lucas craved the most — those where he was just feeling numb enough not to care. Of course now it was a lot more difficult not to care when his three (supposedly) best friends had decided to meddle in, especially when he had asked them not to.

“Look, we just don’t want you to keep moping forever,” Basile added.

Arthur nodded, shifting towards Lucas who was sitting next to him. “He’s right. When a cute guy looks at you, you just go for it, that’s how it works,” he completed with a casual shrug.

“Yeah, just go talk to him.”

“I’m not going to do that,” Lucas retorted coolly, feeling his calm crumble with each passing second. “I’m not going to talk to a guy who looked at the four of us once, and I certainly don’t need your fucked up advices because you’ve got no idea what I’m going through!”

“Because you never let anything out,” Yann protested.

“Why should I?” Lucas exclaimed. “So you can tell me to forget about it and just move on?”

“Well, I don’t know,” Basile admitted, looking rather embarrassed, and Lucas’ eyes jumped on him. “It’s been what, five months, now? Maybe- Maybe that’s what you should do?”

Arthur and Yann both glanced at him, mouthing a quiet ‘dude’ with a shake of their head. Lucas opened his mouth and closed it, nothing coming out at first. “How about you start shutting up about your damn soulmate, Baz?”, he snapped. “’When am I going to meet her’, ‘what does she look like’, ‘what if I never see her’-”

“Lucas–,” Arthur tried, but Lucas snatched his arm away when he squeezed it lightly to distract him.

“No, I’m fucking done hearing you all complain,” Lucas protested, perhaps louder than he should have judging by the embarrassed looks of the guys. He shook his head and stood up abruptly, grabbing his backpack and making the cups on the table tinkle together. “‘Oh no, my soulmate’s Emma’, ‘oh no my soulmate’s a platonic one’, ‘oh when am I gonna find her’, but mine is fucking dead, so excuse me for making a big deal out of it!”, he exclaimed bitterly, throwing the last words behind his shoulder as he was already on his way out.

*

4 months and a half, 21 hours and 36 minutes.

138 days. Over 3334 hours.

That’s how long he had been miserable. Ever since that horrible evening, last October. He and the boys were having predrinks at the flatshare, before hitting a college party organized by PACES students, and the memory of his own laughter made it all the more painful in retrospect. They were not quite a month into their first year at uni, and Lucas was still buzzing with the excitement of it all. In complete honesty he couldn’t have cared less about his studies; the major he had picked after his BAC, economics, was far from being his thing, but the silver lining had been his soulmate. As Yann had pointed out to him shortly after getting his soulmark last summer, new faces all around at uni meant more chances to meet his ‘Eliott guy’. And Lucas? Well, Lucas couldn’t decently argue with that logic, really. Every new party was another occasion to casually hope for something to happen — he had just never thought that ‘something’ happening would be so fucking painful.

“What are you looking at?” he remembered laughing in-between two rounds of video games and his second beer, after spotting Arthur’s eyes on him for quite some time now.

Arthur had barely looked up, frowning behind his glasses instead. “Dude, I think… I think your soulmark’s fading.”

Lucas had glanced down at his arm, exposed by the tee-shirt he was wearing, heartbeat rising as he jumped up from the couch to the closest source of light in the room to get a better view. A rush of adrenaline after that, and Lucas’ brain a mess of emotions making his head spin. He remembered clutching at his own arm, as he could do nothing but stare at the six letter name growing fainter and fainter despite his pleas, until it was barely noticeable at all and that the guys had no more comforting things to come up with. No one went to the party that night. Instead, Lucas found himself cradling his arm most of the night, hoping and begging for it to be just a mistake. For Eliott’s name to come back, thick and black and bold letters all over again — but it never did. His soulmark had remained the same, a faint scar in the shape of a name.

He hadn’t sought other testimonies online this time. He hadn’t felt the need to. Soulmarks fading was about a soulmate dying, everybody knew that. He didn’t need people recounting tearful stories, nor did he need anyone to instill hope where it had no place to be. Whoever Eliott was, whoever he had once been, it was over for him — for them. It had been terrible from there, and he wasn’t going to pretend otherwise just to make his friends feel better about it. They were still at an age where these kind of things were a big deal, for better or for worse, and he knew he’d still be looking out for Eliott everywhere he went just like Basile did with his soulmate, if it weren’t for a fucked up destiny taking too much pride in screwing him over.

“Excuse me?” tentatively called a voice next to him.

“What?” Lucas answered sharply, head snapping to the side.

The scowl on his face turned into a sarcastic twist of his lips accompanied by a dry snort. Of fucking course. The artsy customer from the café was standing here, roughly two meters away from him. There was only one fucking reason he’d be here, and this fucking reason in particular was a three-headed dumbass he had known since high school and was now dying to throw under the next bus.

“They are assholes, alright?” he spat. “I don’t know what they fucking told you and I don’t fucking care. I’m not interested, period.”

“You’re not interested,” the guy repeated, slightly cocking an eyebrow. Lucas thought he was on the verge of exploding if he was so much as trying to insist. But instead, the guy reached for a rolled-up cigarette he had tucked behind his ear. “I was just gonna ask for a lighter, but it’s always nice to know where everybody stands I guess.”

He was smiling.

Lucas’ cheeks heated up from crushing embarrassment and he cast his eyes away, staring at his hands and deflating instantly. It was definitely not the worst day of his life, but he could feel it make a solid entry in the top 5.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m not smoking.”

The guy shrugged. “Alright.”

Please, leave. He was the only one beside him waiting at the bus stop, if he really needed a lighter it wouldn’t magically appear in Lucas’ pocket. Just leave. Fighting with the guys had sucked the last bit of energy he had left in his body, he didn’t have any more left. But instead the guy sat on the metallic bench. Ultimate fuckery if there was one. He didn’t have any idea what he had done in a past life, but he could only guess it was bad. Lucas tried to look away and absorb himself in the silent contemplation of the sidewalk, but all he could think about was that he wanted to come home and crawl under the covers and forget that day even happened at all. It wasn’t easy when the guy sitting next to him was a constant reminder of the shitty afternoon he had just spent, between boring classes he didn’t give a fuck about, friends who had forgotten the basic meaning of ‘supportive’ and, of course, last but not least, lashing out to a complete stranger for trying to hit on him and who happened to be so far out of his league that they didn’t even play the same sport.

A metallic flick drove his attention toward the lighter the guy was currently trying to make work, with a concentrated frown on his face and the cigarette now tucked between his lips. He kept flicking, once, twice, ten times, until Lucas couldn’t take it anymore.

“Usually when they don’t work the first five times, they rarely work the ten other times after that,” he said.

The guy glanced at him, then shrugged. “I guess I’m a dreamer then, uh?”

He put the cigarette back behind his ear and pocketed the uncooperative lighter in his brown jacket. Lucas took his eyes away and glanced at the other end of their street, where his bus was slowly (but hopefully steadily) making its way in their direction.

“Rough day?”

Lucas risked an eye in the guy’s direction. “You don’t have to do that, you know. It’s fine.”

He shrugged one more time. “I don’t mind,” he said, smiling a little even.

Is he fucking kidding me? Lucas thought instantly, taken aback. He found himself staring, blatantly, unapologetically, as if he was seeing him for the first time. He studied his insanely intense grey eyes, and the messy but effortlessly good-looking brown hair making wonders to his sharp cheekbones. He’s hot, he was forced to admit to himself, just when the bus reached their stop in a concert of screeching and hissing sounds. But somehow, his inner voice suddenly sounded a lot like Yann’s, and it made him angry.

Angry and upset and fucking outraged.

“Well, I do mind,” he articulated.

Before the guy could even say something, Lucas snatched his backpack from the bench and strode towards the entrance of his bus without a glance back.

[giganticactus]

9.20.19

The last three years have felt like an absolute eternity.

On this day, three years ago, my recovery began. Three years ago, I was a shell of a person barely functioning enough to brush my teeth more days of the week than not. I hated myself to the point that I couldn't bare living life as the person I was. There was nothing about my personality or my mind that I did not despise. I had zero goals or hope or dreams for the future. I couldn't see my future beyond only a few days ahead. For a long time, I didn't want to find it.

My personality was a dark ball of depression and loneliness and emptiness. In constant need of an escape. In desperate need for help. I considered myself, no longer human, for a large chunk of 2016. There was no personality or humanity in my body. I was truly nothing but a combination of debilitating mental illnesses. I was living off of nothing else but guilt and codepency on a person I was in a very toxic relationship with at the time.

On this day three years ago, I broke off that relationship. It was the fourth day in a row which I didn't have suicidal thoughts. I felt that I truly had a 1% chance of surviving myself without her. I decided that I had to take that chance while it was in front of me. I had to let go of the one person who I knew was holding me down.

For another two months, I did nothing but sit at home, focused on avoiding triggers and finding ways to cope with the triggers. I played video games at all hours of the day, I forced myself to limit the food I ate while making sure I did still eat, trying to eat food that wasn't pure junk. Drank water as often as I thought about it. Focused on the parts of me that I hated most and tried my best not to hate them.

I realized, in the beginning of my recovery, that I had to build myself back up into a human being again. I had to recreate my personality and my relationships and social skills. I had to create motivation to get anywhere in my physical life. And it dawned on me. If I have to build myself back up, why would I go back to the person who put me onto this position in the first place?

The qualities that I wanted most in the person I wanted to be were: motivated, and didn't immediately run away from anything bigger than a mild inconveinece. I wanted to face challenges head on, I wanted to want to overcome obstacles. I've always been such a lazy person by nature that I wanted nothing to do with anything that wasn't completely easy to me. As I slowly built this person over the coming months, I got a temporary job working at Walmart over the holidays.

That seasonal job at Walmart that I spent 40 hours a week at for six weeks, was the best thing to happen to me in my recovery. It was just challenging enough that I was able to thrive from the challenges. I got my first hint of customer service skills, I worked as part of a team, I made friends. I learned a lot of responsibility and I rode my bike everyday to get there. But the number one thing that job did for me, was give me a sense of purpose. People relied on me. I had a job to do and I didn't have the option of walking away from it. I had a purpose. I hadn't had that feeling my entire life. And I must say, I was pretty good at it. I learned things pretty fast and honestly the only negative quality I had at that job was that I lacked a sense of urgency. But it wasn't hard to work around, and it definitely improved in the weeks I worked there. Two of my biggest fears were handling difficult customers and answering phones. Both of which I had to endure, and nine times out of ten they turned out well. I always had other people to fall back on as a safety net if I messed up. I was only eighteen, and the youngest worker in the store. Everybody looked out for me when I needed it and gave me a little push when I needed it as well. That job gave me a completely different outlook on the working industry and who Walmart is as a company. Both, in very positive light.

After that job ended, I was unemployed for five months. In that time I went back to my previous habits after my recovery began, but I was also a little more diligent about looking for another job. I had a small lick of motivation to find another purpose, but had trouble finding work that was close enough to ride my bike to, and would hire me with only six weeks of work experience.

I was hanging out with a friend of mine that April. He brought along a friend of his that we went to high school with. This friend was a shiftlead at my favorite place to eat. He asked me about what I was doing at the time, and when I told him I wasn't in school and didn't have a job, he told me that his work was desperate for hires. I was unsure about it, mostly because the store was a two and a half mile trip from my house, and the idea of riding my bike that far everyday sounded just a little bit like a real life horror movie. I told him I would think about it and he gave me his phone number for when I made my decision. A week later, he set up an interview with his manager for me and told me when to come in. I rode my back at two o'clock in the afternoon in early may to this interview where I was hired on the spot.

2017 was a year of recovery. I continued to build myself up and find habits that made me happy and healthy as I could be. I was truly the happiest I've ever been, in 2017. My depression quickly withered to a pebble because of this job and the friends I made. Riding my bike was great exercise, and I worked at a salad restaurant and was eating good healthy food. I was honestly of top of the fucking world.

In March of 2018, I met a boy. He was filling in from another store while we were short staffed. He was big and he was goofy and about as friendly as a stranger can get. Something about him drew me toward him. I knew from the day we met, that he was someone special. After a few days of chatting and working together, we and two other worker friends of mine hung out after work one day. He was the last one I brought home that night, and when he learned in to kiss me, I though "fuck it", and it was the best "what's the worst that could happen" decision I've made in my entire life.

We dated for one year and two weeks before breaking things off for complicated reasons. It wasn't a good breakup (if those exist), but it definitely wasn't a bad one. After we got out bearings and thoughts and feelings sorted, a week later we met up for the first time again to talk. Things weren't awkward, but it was sad. After that, we decided to remain friends for fear of losing eachother. There was a short period over the summer that we lost touch, while I was on my bender, but a month later we got to talking and hanging out again. We are in a very good place right now and see eachother often, once or twice a week. He is my best friend. And while the idea of getting back together has been kind of the elephant in the room for the last few weeks, for right now I'm enjoying the time I can spend with him.

My health and happiness fluctuate a lot. I currently just got out of a deep depression pit myself, due to denial of an environmental stressor I've chosen to ignore for nearly a year.

What truly matters, is doing my best. Finding what works and what doesn't. Keeping myself as far away as possible from where I was three years ago. The number one thing, is learning to love who I am. Changing the negative qualities that I can, and accepting the ones that I can't. Taking actions to keep myself as healthy and happy as possible while maintaining relationships and a shitty career.

I'm endlessly grateful for where I am today. I'm endlessly grateful for the journey I had to take to get here, and for the opportunities and decisions I will have in the future.

Right now, I'm finding reasons to be happy. Holding onto the people around me, finding balance between things I have and want and need, and finding goals and hope for the future. I am doing really good right now, recovering from my bender. I realized this time last year, that I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. And I know that its okay. Recovery means coming up from the down. The journey ahead looking better than the path left behind. I'm endlessly grateful.

Overall, I'm fairly happy. I have family whom I love and love me. I don't have many friends but the few close friends I have are extremely important to me. The situation at work is going better than it has been, and I'm currently looking for a second job. I've moved out of my dads house and hope to move out on my own pretty soon. Things look good right now. I have hope. I have things to look forward to, I have a better hold of saving money, and have a million things I want to save for. For instance, buying a new car and taking trips to Colorado to hold me over until I can eventually move there.

Recovery is a process I'm well familiar with. Rock bottom and I are old friends that I plan to never reunite with.

One last note I want to leave, is a message to the person I left on September 20th, 2016.

I see you. I see you as a human being. I see you as a human being with struggles. When I think about who you were three years ago, I see a human being.

I remember everything. The words said, the feelings felt, the anger and love and hatred shared. The memories and experiences, I remember it all.

I know now, especially after a similar friendship I had this past summer, what our relationship looked like. What it really was. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I saw a certain comment on social media that hit me like a train. And I had a whole new perspective to the situation.

I've always known what you did to me. How your words and your actions affected me. I know how codependent I became. How much I dreaded the idea of living life without you. How much I hated you some days and loved you on others. How desperate I was for your attention and the empty feeling I had whenever you would push me away. How grateful I was for the times you were there.

I've realized lately, of the impact I had on you. While I've never gotten your direct take on everything, I do now know some things. I know that I put you into a harmful situation. I trapped you in a spot that any action you took could become dangerous. At a young age, another person depended on you in a way that no person should. I realize now, the pressure I put on you. The damage I had to have caused at the time.

I don't know your true intentions of the time. I don't know what you thought or how you felt. I know that you hid a lot from me. I know now that it truly was for the better of both of us. I expected far more from you than I never should have asked. I see it now. I see the intensity of the impact it must have had.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm sorry for putting you in that situation that I depended on you so instensely. I'm sorry for the pressure. I'm sorry for the despair and desperation. I never should have done that to you. I'm truly, insanely sorry. I don't blame you for a single thing. I forgive you for any hardships caused. I'm sorry for any hardships I had caused you and your family. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry.

[blahblahblippyblah]

Freinds are the Family we get to choose: Chapter 15: Fishing and Star Gazing

Check out my wolfstar jilly AU on A03.

Archiveofourown.org/works/17537060/chapters/46171921

The next day they all woke up a little later than usual. After breakfast they all took a hike out to the van. Marlene was coming in today and they needed to be there to help her bring stuff in. Sirius was excited for Marlene to come in. He had really bonded with her at school. They both shared a love for Queen and Bowie. She had a similar taste in style as him. Snuffles loved her cat, which she often snuck into the office as well. And she was the only one who got his queer jokes.

When she saw him she gave him the biggest hug.

“Sirius what the bloody hell are you doing here?” She asked when she finally let go.

“He was a stowaway” Remus answered for him.

“Hardly. I only hid in the back of the van for the three hour ride.” Sirius said lightly grinning widely.

“Well regardless I’m happy you’re here. You can help me with my surveys. “ Marlene laughed as she started handing them bags to carry.

****

Having Marlene in camp was great. Sirius enjoyed going out and helping her do her vegetation and rabbit surveys much more than spending the day helping James count deer poop, Or help Remus put out cameras.

He also leaned a lot from Marlene, she was a very skilled botanist. She slowly taught him all the local plants, and soon Sirius found himself being able to id without having to look in the little plant book she gave him. Soon he was spending his days wandering in the woods near the camp picking wild plants and berries to add to their dinner and breakfasts. Fiddle heads, carrots, garlic were his favourites. And he put raspberries and blueberries on his oatmeal every morning.

Having Marlene around was also great since she shared the same taste in music and tv. Which meant he had to listen a lot less to James’ shitty country music and more Queen and Bowie. All in all his summer was going great.

“Hey James I think I caught one!!!!” Sirius shouted out as something pulled hard on his fishing rod. He pulled back and gasped out loud as he saw the rod bend like it was going to snap.

“Holy shit!” James exclaimed beside him noticing that it wasn’t just caught on another rock this time. “Ok Pull back slowly then reel in as you come back forward.” James said throwing down his rod and jumping up and helping Sirius hold his.

“Come on you slut!!!!” Sirius shouted at the water. The fish was now visible doing its damnedest not to get near the shore.

“OK, one, two, three PULL!!!”James shouted and they both pulled back quickly flinging the fish onto the grass. It flopped around wildly. Sirius had never fished before but compared to the fish he saw in the grocery store he was pretty sure this one was a beast.

Snuffles cautiously approached the fish flopping around on the ground sniffing and giving it a look of curiously and confusion. Snuffles let out a growl as the fish made a larger spring from the ground and its tail slapped his nose.

“Ladies and gentlemen tonight we eat like kings” Sirius called loudly so that Remus and Marlene could hear from the camp. They both came out of the big canvas tent they had designated as the science tent and came over to see what the hullabaloo was about.

“Wow! way to go Sirius.” Remus said smiling at the fish which had stopped flopping and was now opening its mouth like it was gasping.

“Shit that’s a big fish” Marlene whistled as she bent down to pick it up. It took her both hands to lift it from the gills.

“What can I say? I’m the epitome of manliness and ruggedness. Wrangler extraordinaire.” He bragged.

“It’s Angler. Wrangler means you work on a ranch” Remus corrected.

“Whatever” Sirius said grinning wide.

“Well it’s pretty impressive”Marlene said handing the fish to Sirius and helping him hold it properly.

“Beginners luck” James said now reeling in his rod which only brought in weeds.

“Fine let’s eat the non existent fish you caught.” Sirius said waving is fish at James. James just shoved him in the shoulder, but he smiled at the teasing meaning he wasn’t too hurt.

“Someone take a picture of me with this before we cook it up” Sirius said reaching in his pocket for his phone. “I can’t wait to send this to mum”

*

Turns out catching the fish was the easy part. Cleaning it however wasn’t Sirius’s favourite activity. It was absolutely disgusting. It took all his will power not to faint when James made him cut it’s head off. Something about the crunching of the bones didn’t sit well with his stomach. When he slit the belly to gut it he lost his cool and threw up in the bucket that was meant for the guts. James being the unhelpful brother he was just laughed and pulled out his phone.

“Ha wait till mom sees this” James said as Sirius dry heaved and did his best not to throw up again.

“James I swear to the gods I’ll shove this fish head down your throat” Sirius threatened as he took a step away from the table to compose himself.

After a lot of gagging, and throwing up once more, the fish was cleaned and ready to be cooked. Overall it was kinda humbling doing all this to keep feed himself and his friends. Growing up as a Black he never got to do anything close to this. Kreacher always did all the cooking. When he moved in with James and Peter all he knew how to make was cereal.

Since Sirius had no confidence in his cooking skills, especially on a fire he left to cooking to James.

The fish was awesome, and went well with the rehydrated potatoes and peas. All four of them sat around the fire once the sun had with full bellies staring up at the night sky and swapping stories.

Eventually James fell asleep. Drooling onto his shirt and snoring loudly. Sirius took advantage of this position to stick some grass in his mouth which James didn’t even stir at. Marlene eventually stood up and called it a night. She shook James awake and once he spat out the grass he followed her to the tents to pack it in Sirius found himself sitting beside Remus alone in the warm glow of the dying fire. Suddenly he felt very self conscious. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to say something stupid. He noticed he was sub consciously running his hands through his hair much like James does. He stopped and carefully glanced over at Remus.

Remus’ head was laid back all the way so that it was facing the night sky. His arms were folded across his chest and his hands were bundled in the sleeves of his jumper. He looked like he was sleeping except his eyes were wide open. The sky was clear and the moon was completely dark making the stars shine brighter. They reflected in Remus’ now dark golden eyes. Puffs of vapour were coming out faintly in the cold night air as he breathed.

Sirius realized it was probably creepy that he was staring and adopted the same position as Remus instead He looked up at the sky and scanned the constellations. Growing up his family had made him and his brother learn all the names of everything in the night sky. His whole family was named after constellations, something he kept when he chose his name. It helped him remember where he came from, even if he hated every minute of his childhood. Sometimes it was hard to look up at the sky and see Orion, Narcissa, Bellatrix, Cygnus, Arcturus and many others without feeling like his relatives were up there looking down on him. However he couldn’t help but smile as he scanned the sky to find Andromeda, and Alphard. The two relatives he always looked up to. Andromeda was a lot older than him, but she was always there to look after him. She would often visit and take him out under the guise of teaching him how to act like a proper Black, but would instead take him to do fun things like go bowling, or eat street food, or swim at the public pool. She bought him his first binder which he secretly wore at school. He was so distraught when his family had disowned her. She had ran off and married a Newfie potato farmer, Ted Tonks. Something that was inexcusable as a Black. He remembers is mother screaming in rage as she burned Andromeda off the family tree tapestry when she sent a letter home telling everyone what she had done. When he ran away one of the first things he did was contact Andromeda. He even went to visit her on her farm and met Ted. Sirius loved Ted. He was easy going and always cheery. He always seemed to be whistling or singing these funny songs and poems. He was the first guy to show him how to shave. Andromeda was the one who helped him pick out his name as well.

“Sirius. That’s what your name should be. The brightest star in the sky.” She had said while they star gazed from a field behind their farm house.

Uncle Alphard was also a gem. Sirius was pretty sure Alphard is the one who gave him his mischievous personality. When he would visit Alphard would tell him stories about the pranks he would pull on Orion and Cygnus as kids, and how much grief he would give Sirius’s grandma and grandpa. Alphard never married, but always told Sirius he had no interest in that nonsense. He always said Sirius and Regulus were the only thing he really cared about anyway. When Alphard died he left all his personal fortune to Sirius. Something Sirius was sure sent his Mother into a rampage and his father into an early grave. He wishes he could have seen their faces when the lawyers read the will to them and they found out they got nothing and everything went to their disowned disappointment.

Sirius scanned some more and found Regulus. His stomach twisted. He still didn’t know how he felt about his baby brother. Regulus never did anything to hurt him purposefully. He never said anything mean to him growing up unlike his other family members. Regulus use to follow him around and hang out with him growing up. He never ratted to their mom and dad when he misbehaved at school, or how tell them how Sirius changed into the boys uniform (Jame’s extras) when they got to school. When Sirius left home he was pretty sure Regulus had been forbidden to talk to him but when Sirius ran into him sometime after moving in with the Potters Regulus had greeted him as Sirius. And he didn’t even use a rude voice while doing so. He ,eery gave him a annoyed glare and nodded at him saying “Sirius, Potter” in acknowledgement of the both of them.

Sirius didn’t know when his brother became brain washed by his family but it wasn’t long after he left Regulus stopped acting civil.

“How do you think I feel everyone knowing my brother’s a filthy queer. Running around acting like an idiot, dressing like a delinquent” Regulus had once said when Sirius ran into him at school.

Regulus may not like him anymore but he must still care about him if he called him as a brother. The whole thing confused him. James was his brother now, and really James had always been his brother. But what did that make Regulus?

He shook his head focusing again on the stars.

“There’s me” Sirius said to Remus pointing up at the brightest star above them and a little to the south.

“Huh?” Remus said turning to him with a confused look.

“The star. Sirius. The brightest star in Canis Major.” Sirius said tracing out the constellation with his outstretched arm.

Remus followed his finger up to the sky and looked up at Sirius the star too.

The both sat in the quiet as the trees swayed and rusted and the frogs chirped. Staring at the sky.

“What’s that one?” Remus asked pointing the the faint red point to the west.

“Mars” Sirius answered. Smiling because he felt a little proud and cocky at his knowledge of the night sky he was getting to show off. “And if you follow that line of stars down this way” Sirius said stretching out his hand and leading Remus’s gaze south of Mars. “That curvy line of stars is Scorpio, the scorpion constellation” Sirius pointed out. “And over there is Leo the lion, Over there Taurus the bull, and that one almost right above us is Hercules.”

Remus gazes followed his pointing as he pointed out all the cool constellations and stars he could find.

“Wow” Remus whispered out eyes scanning the blanket of black above them. “Where did you learn all this? Or is it just the result of being an astronomer?”

Sirius laughed. ”Nah my family made me and my brother learn all this as kids. Probably what made me interested in spending the rest of my life staring at boring graphs looking for distant space rocks.”

Remus turned to him like he wanted to ask something but he shut his mouth and turned his face back up.

“Still I thinks it’s a pretty cool job. I mean studying the universe is such a mystery to me. I can’t even wrap my head around the stuff we don’t know about earth much less what’s beyond it.” Remus said.

“Ya I guess that’s what great about it. I think my mind exploded the first time someone explained the Big Bang and how the universe was created.”

“That would explain a lot” Remus said with a sarcastic smile.

“Hey!” Sirius protested. “Your a sarcastic little shit. You know that?”

“Ive been told yes” Remus said grinning at him.

“Good thing you’re hot as hell or else no one would put up with you” Sirius joked back.

Remus didn’t respond but Sirius was pretty sure he could see him blushing in the dark.

They sat their continuing to marvel at the stars and Sirius told the myths and stories that went along with the constellations and planets. Something about being in the forest made it all seem too real. Like the darkness of the sky was slowly melting into the darkness of the trees around them. Or maybe he was dozing off.

He practically jumped out of his chair in terror as the silence was broken by a loud howling sound.

Remus sat up and smiled like he was listening closer to the howling. Sirius felt embarrassed at his jumpiness once he realized the sound were coming from very very far away across the lake. Two possibly three wolves were howling back and forth in the distance. Once he got over how eery it was he started to hear the beauty int he howls breaking through the night.

Beside him Remus tilted his head back and let out a howl himself. Low and mournful unlike the chatty screaming howls of the wolves across the lake. The wolves stopped howling and Remus let out another howl this time louder. He stopped and turned his head to listen. Soon the wolves started howling back in the same mournful howl. Remus howled back. He did this for awhile before turning to Sirius and smiling. By now the fire had died out completely so Remus’s face was completely in shadows. The only thing standing out was the gold in his eyes. Which made him think of wolf eyes staring out at him in the darkness, but he marked this similarity down to the sounds of the howling around him. Still the golden eyes made his heart beat faster and his head feel light. The scared him and drew him closer at the same time. This filled him with energy so he titled his head back and gave the loudest howl he could. He heard Remus chuckle beside him at as the wolves paused again to consider this addition to the chorus before copying him and going back to their more chatty like howls.

“Well at least we know there are wolves here and I’m not putting out cameras for nothing.” Remus said . Sirius laughed at that.

They stayed sitting there listening until the howls died out.

“I guess we better pack it in. It’s got to be like 3 am by now” Remus said

“Ya good idea” Sirius said standing up and stretching.

He went to step forward toward the tents and hit Remus just as Remus stood up. Remus must have been moving forward because he bounced right off his chest backwards from Sirius. Unfortunately Remus lost his balance as he fell backwards and reached out to grab something to stop his fall. In the dark Sirius didn’t see it happen but he felt Remus grab his forearm as he tripped and pulled him down with him. Siruus tried to stop their fall but his waving arms just seemed to put them more off balance and his foot caught in his lawn chair making them both crash down into the dark cold grass. Sirius fell right ontop of Remus his face planting right into the Remus’ chest. Remus let out a gasp as his back hit the ground probably knocking the wind out of him. Sirius groaned his elbow throbbing since he tried to use it to stop himself from crushing Remus and it took the majority of the weight of the fall.

“Tabarnac!” Sirius swore as he tried to correct himself. Unfortunately his legs were caught in a lawn chair preventing him from rolling off Remus. He was suddenly very aware of how their bodies were lying on top of one another. Remus was warm and soft and smelled like black tea, chocolate, under that top smell there was also the unmistakable sent of moss and rain and wool. Man why did he smell so good? Sirius had never seen the guy bath in the lake like he and James, and even with the bathing in the lake they both still smelled questionable. Sirius felt himself blushing and Remus wriggled under him trying to help him de tangle themselves and the chair in the pitch black darkness. Sirius did his best not to think about how nice it felt as Remus’ face pushed against his shoulder and his hips slide across his.

Eventually the rightened themselves and pulled themselves up again.

“I’m sorry” Sirius apologized offering his hand to help Remus stand up.

“It’s ok. I probably should not have stood up so quickly in the dark” Remus replied taking Sirius’ hand to help himself up. Sirius pulled up on Remus’ arm and Remus shot up. The guy was surprisingly light for someone so tall that he pulled to hard and Remus came flying toward him. Sirius caught Remus from falling again by pulling him close.

Now they were standing toe to and face to face. Sirius arms around Remus from trying to stop him from falling. Remus’ hands were both on Sirius’ chest. Sirius could feel the electricity shocking him from the proximity.

“Uhhh…um.. my bad” Sirius stammered out.

He could feel Remus’s smiling sarcastically in the dark which Sirius’ face flush hot.

“Thanks” Remus said. He sounded a little winded and it came out more as a whisper. Sirius smelt tea and chocolate on his breath. He felt the urge to lean forward and kiss Remus , and he was pretty sure he could feel Remus lean closer too but Sirius shook his head quickly to clear his thoughts and next thing he knew they were separated.

A light came on from the direction of Remus as the guy turned on the flashlight on his phone.

“Good idea” Sirius said following his lead. They walked back to their tent using their phone lights. They said an awkward goodnight before parting into their separate tents.

Inside the tent James and Snuffles were both snoring away so he carefully crawled into his bag. The last thing he thought about before falling asleep was how warm Remus had felt and how he had almost kissed the guy. He wondered if Remus would have kissed him back. Probably not Sirius finally decided. Why would someone that awesome want to kiss him. He put up with Sirius’s flirting but Sirius figured flirting was probably as much as Remus would tolerate fro him. Anyway why would a great guy like Remus go for him. That night he dreamed of chocolate flavoured lips and a warm body held up against him. This however was ruined the next morning when the warm body turned out to be the very hairy and smelly Snuffles who had crawled in his bag last night for warmth.

[ticklemonsta]

My First Week as A College Student

I wanted to start fresh on this blog and part of starting fresh is sharing more about myself. I feel like I’d like to be known a bit better. So I’ll start posting about myself and posting my own stuff. I felt a good way to start would be to post about my first week in college. I imagine this will be a long post so I will insert ‘read more’. If you read it all, you are all the real MVP!

Day 1, Saturday, August 26th: On Saturday was moving day! The night before and waking up that morning I had so many butterflies. I was beginning like I wasn’t ready to leave home. And I felt like this meant I had to grow up too. I still felt like a teenager. I felt I still a teen like mentally and I wasn’t ready to be independent. But I knew this was going to have to happen. Once we arrived, the nerves settled. I remembered that I was rooming with a close cousin and because of a summer program, I did have friends on campus. My cousin and I unpacked with the help of our family. They hung around a bit and then they left. I was okay because I had my cousin by my side. I still felt a pang of homesickness and missing my family. 

Day 2, Sunday, August 27th: This was the day before classes. There was nothing to do except walk around and hang out. I was having Summer Blues™. I was NOT ready for classes the next day. I wanted to be summer forever! But I knew summer was coming to an end and before I knew it there would be a break again! 

Day 3, Monday, August 28th: It was the first day of classes. It went... well it went. I ended up being late to a class because they put the wrong building on the schedule. I felt like an absolute idiot. It was a writing class ad it was a timed writing and I had to buy a book because of the fact that we were going to write in it. The second class was math, which was okay. I didn’t really have an issue with it. I dropped and added a few classes as well. My legs were super sore from running all over campus and I ended up with a blister [that actually healed v quickly]

Day 4, Tuesday, August 29th:  I went out for my book voucher that day, so thankfully I was able to pay for books but I had to keep running out to pay for my books because I would get notices at different times. My feet didn’t hurt as much as it did on Monday but I was not pleased. I had a lot of free time that day and the I had a class at four. It was French Class. It was nice and the teacher was nice. I’m sure I pronounced everything terrible but I am hoping to improve a lot. I do want to know more languages. I also feel that they do a v bad job of teaching it in grade schools after taking this class but that is totally a different post for a different day. Also, I went to a karaoke night! It was fun, I sang with friends! I stayed up later than may set bedtime [11:30]. It was worth it though. I understand why people like college, lol.

Day 5, Wednesday, August 30th: Nothing much happened yesterday. I had to put in an order for a book the bookstore no longer had. I missed the fairs with all the clubs and crap. So I was sad. I really wanted to join the Nerd Club [it’s for people interested in anime, comics, video games, etc.] I ate a restaurant on campus. I also found out that I’m in an Advanced Writing class and I’m like “How Sway?” But overall it was a pretty good day.

Day 6, Thursday, August 31st: This day I was sorta sad. It began neutrally until I went to my first day of drawing! I had some supplies I had to go off campus for and buy myself. Considering I still needed to go shopping for other personal items I was a little worried and I felt down about it. I tried to cheer up but it didn’t really happen. I went to French and I was able to forget because I was so much more focused on class than my personal problems.But when I had gone to my dorm the feeling came back. On the bright side in art class, a met a nice girl! I think we’ll be really good friends in the future. But yeah, Thursday, was kinda shitty. I was glad that the weekend was coming soon. Ugh, lol I’m still mad annoyed about having to fucking use my own $$$ instead of the book voucher. But I went to a party also. Which also made me feel great.

Day 7, Friday, September 1st: And now for today! Today was nice. I stopped worrying about everything. I hung out with friends and talked to my mom and my sisters. It’s also the weekend. I’ll do my hw when I get up in the morning. Since I have some stuff to do but I distracted myself. I learned that I need to set timers for myself as reminders. I want to ease myself out of procrastinating/forgetting. I overall I had a good week and totally look forward to a good year. I hope it’s filled with adventure! Some adventurous things already happened!

[idolisnotdead]

Seiko Oomori - kitixxxgaia - Review

If you’ve read this blog before, you probably have a pretty good idea of my completely unbiased admiration for Seiko Oomori and everything she does. “Unbiased”.

So let’s just get to it. Less than a year, by about two weeks maybe to be precise, Seiko Oomori follows up her critically acclaimed major sophomore album (fourth overall) TOKYO BLACK HOLE with something even bigger, even more political, even more honest, and even more ambitious. I’m going to start off by changing my previous opinion. TOKYO BLACK HOLE is like an 8.5 now. Stay with me, here now and buckle up; we’re going for a ride, my friends.

The same week the United States got unleashed with the marvel of Drake’s More Life – a notably emotional return to form that also doesn’t shy away too far from the newer territory Toronto’s first celebratory hero has been invading – Japan was hit with something similarly parallel. Seiko Oomori gave us her fifth album kitixxxgaia on March 15th. Just like Drizzy, Seiko has given us an equally emotional experience, that still covers her recent sounds while almost giving us a slight return to her punk roots save for the general lack of an obvious acoustic guitar in most of the mixes (though it’s worth noting that it’s still there, just buried in the mix; I’ll get to why such a jam-packed mix actually works in a minute).

It’s amazing to see that the west and the east were both delivered promising projects by two of their biggest masters of music and emotion. It’s amazing to see just how far some shitty kid from Koenji has come in just five years since her official debut PINK in 2012. It’s amazing to think that that’s six albums if you count PINK, seven if you count the mostly self-covering Pink Tokarev album of 2015, which was otherwise an off-year for everyone’s favorite singer to imitate.

The only word I can describe how kitixxxgaia sounds with is “big”. And several other adjectives. Maybe “gigantic”. Maybe “colossal”. It’s a fucking huge album, pardon my French. This is potentially Seiko’s first Ringo Sheena-level album (let’s just forget that SUNNY happened for a minute). There’s a lot of religious imagery and a heavy aesthetic. I’d highly suggest on your first listen, you watch the music videos for every song that has one. So start with the “Dogma Magma” video, then the “Hikokuminteki Hero” video, listen to “IDOL SONG” normally, then when “Gutto Kuru Summer” comes along, watch that video too. And so on.

kitixxxgaia is heavy in its use of a very specific aesthetic, which takes influence from Christianity (and a hint of Mexican-style Christianity at that), weddings, quite a bit of Dadaism, and it’s all absolutely drenched in shades of pink and lighter blues. It’s the kind of album that’s best to be experienced both by listening and watching, as I said before. There are heaps of promotional images that came along with the album and the original “holy trinity” singles that lead up to its release, and I’d suggest maybe even just looking through those around Twitter and wherever else you can find them (maybe I’ll compile what I can find and make a post later this week) while you listen to the songs that aren’t accompanied by music videos. It’s the kind of multi-media work that could induce a sensory-overload in someone with synesthesia, like myself.

Now before I even get into the music of it, I want to point out the name of the album itself. Just the name kitixxxgaia (say it in English how you want, I generally say “Kitty Gaia”), much like her lyrics, takes some wordplay. In Japanese, the word “kichigai” - short for “[anta no] ki ga chigaimasu”, though nobody would ever say it that formally - is essentially the closest the Japanese language can get to the level of offense that words like (cover your children’s eyes) “fuck” or “cunt”. It doesn’t mean the same thing, but it’s that sort of level of offense, though deeper seeing as Japan is culturally much more introverted than we are over here.

Kichigai could loosely be translated to “you’re fucking crazy, man; you’re out of your goddamn mind.” Not in like a “woah dude that’s a fucking siiiick tattoo of a wolf” kind of way, though. It’s an insult, not a term of endearment. Adding the “a” to the end, Seiko turns it into “kichigaia” (キチガイア). After a day or two, she officially changed the name to romaji, now calling it “kitixxxgaia”, censoring it (possibly for management, cultural, and radio airplay reasons, but we don’t know specifically) by making it English and with three x’s in the middle. This name, to me, holds two simultaneous meanings, again, much like her signature style of lyricism.

The “kiti” could be interpreted as “kitschy”, a word referring to style in poor taste, much like our girl Seiko’s aesthetic. The word “gaia” is the personification of our planet Earth in ancient Greek texts. So it’s a “Kitschy World”.

“kitixxxgaia” in its original meaning, “Crazy Fucking World”.

Now to the music: Seiko has never let us down with a strong opener, and this might be the most in-your-face, unexpected opener, titled “Dogma Magma”. “Come on up to the emotional stage!” she blurts out before a gong bangs in your face; the remainder of the measure in silence before another hits with a choir on top, just underneath a piano playing downward arpeggios, and below that, some intricate string work, each instrument holding its breath. After the four bar intro, we crescendo up to the main song. Enter a not-quite shibuya-kei type beat – syncopated and staccato-like drums underneath a jittery, major piano progression. Behind it all is Seiko’s voice distorted, seemingly having a conversation with God.

As the filter cuts off, Seiko enters with some of her most provoking, forward lyrics ever written: (rough translation by yours truly): "Once upon a time there was something other than [just] male and female. Once upon a time there was something other than [just] white, black, and yellow [people]. Once upon a time there was something other than [just] yes and no. These things had always always existed, but it was then instead decided that they didn’t [exist].” she sings, touching on the recently hot topics of gender, race, and consent.

She continues “When I opened my eyes I was Japanese. I’m a goddess but I’m too uncomfortable in this inconvenient body to go outside without makeup on.”, a clear reference to body positivity clashing with self-esteem issues, and likely even cultural pressure in Japanese society. “Dogma Magma” has cuts into a more punk style chorus, reminiscent of “Magic Mirror”. “What will you do during the revolution? Just one heart? Fuck you, fuck [you] all, because this is war!” There she is. That’s the Seiko we know and love.

Track three is of note because it sort of takes me back to when she used to advertise herself as an idol during the Zettai Shoujo era for extra shock value. A clever parody on idol music and culture, “IDOL SONG” could almost pass off as a generic denpa song à la Band Ja Naimon!.

“JI・MO・TO no Kao Kawaii Tomodachi” (roughly “JI・MO・TO’s Cute-Faced Friend”) is certainly one of her most out-there songs, with a catchy, sugary hook, an almost rap verse not too different from what she did with “Zettai Kanojo”. It’s light, it’s bouncy, and it’s really good. This whole album is really good. Good. Good. Good. Good. It’s good music (Cruel Winter, when? I need answers, Kanye!).

Speaking of rapping, two songs later, Seiko gives us the ultimate collab for this generation of J-pop. Much like Ringo Sheena and Utada Hikaru’s “Nijikan Dake no Vacation” (roughly “A Vacation For Just The Two Of Us”), “Chikyuu Saigo no Futari” (roughly: “The Last Two People on Earth”) opens up eerily, with a huge texture and an oozing sub bass that launches into this groovy, dark, rhythmic masterpiece. Seiko begins “Dora-chan, warmest welcome to the 21st century, where mass production has made humans more like robots. Justice is brought by violence, the death penalty is given immediately unless you’re cute.” Seiko is soon interrupted: “I’m being forced to be stupid, these frames in front of me are out of my league. Fuck you, guidance! In my head, I’m punk.” Is that voice DAOKO? You bet your ass it is, and she is spitting that truth all over this track.

God there’s so much more to cover for this album but I really don’t want to ruin too much of it by blabbing on. Up next, continuing with the album’s religious themes “Pink Methuselah” brings a familiar sound with a twist – once it kicks in, it’s very clearly Kenta Sakurai (ex. Izukoneko, current Maison Book Girl, TOKYO BLACK HOLE’s “SHINPIN” producer) behind the producer’s chair on this one, but unlike “SHINPIN” from Seiko’s previous album, it’s not just another Sakurai song. It’s very clear how much Seiko added on top of what he did, and it’s like the perfect blend of both of their signature styles.

The album also features a menacing, full-piano self-cover of °C-ute’s “Mugen Climax”, a song that Seiko wrote for the extremely popular Hello! Project group. Now, she’ll never avoid Ringo Sheena comparisons – after all, Oomori’s debut album Mahou Ga…’s artwork pays direct tribute to Sheena’s legendary 2000 album Shouso Strip’s artwork - but what hearing this self-cover (which makes °C-ute’s version almost unlistenable) makes me want is a self-cover album from Seiko once she garners enough writing credits, much like Ringo Sheena’s Utaite Myouri.

The thing here about kitixxxgaia is that the album finishes off differently depending on the version you have. There are three versions: Dogma, Karma, and Gaia. Every version comes with a second “disc” that’s a DVD/Blu Ray; Dogma comes with a live Blu Ray of ZEPP Tokyo stop of the Tokyo Black Hole Tour, Gaia comes with live audio of that same show as well as a DVD of all of the album’s music videos, and Karma comes with a live DVD of a few different shows from last year. Each version also has a key difference  to the main album – the final track is different.

As my personal recommendation, Dogma is the ideal version. Karma and Gaia finish off with new songs, but Dogma closes out with an acoustic re-recording of the Zettai Shoujo single “Kimi to Eiga” (literally: “Movie With You”). Since the closest thing we get to ‘acoustic’ on kitixxxgaia is “Mugen Climax” and “Orion Za”, this is a necessity to the album’s closure and really puts into perspective just how far Seiko has come since her humble beginnings.

The Karma song is called “Ramen no Hanashi” (literally “Ramen Conversation”) and the Gaia song is called “M”. “M” is another piano song, cutting in at just over 6 minutes. “Ramen no Hanashi” also does a similar job to “Kimi to Eiga”, being a full-acoustic track, and it’s a bonus that it’s a new song as well, so if you’re looking for a fully new experience or you’re not familiar with the Zettai Shoujo classic, maybe the Karma version is more for you. Either way, it’s a really nice way to end the album with some retrospect.

IDOL iS NOT DEAD gives kitixxxgaia a perfect 10/10. 11/10. Screw it. Whatever. It’s so goddamn good, just stop reading and go listen oh my god

[popwasabi]

My Complete Incomplete Best films of 2016

Every year I go out and watch a lot of movies but not all of them unfortunately. A combination of laziness and not wanting to be that asshole in the theater who watches the movie alone because friends are too busy will keep me from seeing a lot of the year’s more celebrated films.

So I compiled a top 5 list based on the 20 or so new films I saw this past year (about a quarter of them being old films that I had never seen on Netflix) and if it seems like I’m missing a major movie off this list it’s most likely because I didn’t see it. So don’t flame me for not putting “La La Land” or “Manchester by the Sea” on my best of list. Blame them for shitty marketing and not having super heroes and weird space aliens to compel my more shallow interests as a film viewer to go see them right away.

Anyways, without further ado here’s my complete incomplete best films of 2016 list, enjoy…

 5. “Captain America: Civil War”

A few weeks ago this might have been higher on this list but upon a re-watch on Netflix, it was slightly less amazing. 

It lost some steam but there’s no denying this was the MCU’s biggest film to date placing the most super heroes we’ve ever seen on screen together, while delivering a solid story and most of all not fucking it up like other not to be named blockbusters this year...

(*Cough*...)

(*Cough*...)

“Civil War’s” greatest strength is the strong chemistry of Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr. and the competing personalities of their characters Tony Stark and Steve Rodgers. This film not only is a great Captain America movie that highlights who is he and his best characteristics but also in my opinion the best Iron man film as we see Stark do more than just deliver quips over and over again. He’s a sad and beaten hero and we see more how his sarcasm and wit masks a much more burdened man underneath.

We also get a fairly strong sub story involving newcomer Black Panther played expertly by Chadwick Boseman who captures not only the warrior king in this character but his strength and wisdom.

(Sometimes literal strength)

On top of all this of course it’s a damn fun action flick, sometimes to a fault of silliness but nonetheless a great popcorn flick that delivered last summer in more ways than one. Paul Rudd is even more funny as Ant-man in this film than his solo venture a year ago and we get a nice teaser of Tom Holland as Spider-man which should make this year’s reboot fun and not a dumpster fire like another not to be named blockbuster.

(*COUGH!*...)

If “Civil War” established anything it’s that the Russo Brothers are a pair of directors fans should place trust in moving forward, so have your popcorn ready for the Infinity Gauntlet when it arrives in a couple summers.

 4. “Deadpool”

It’s rare to see a film match gargantuan hype and even over deliver in spots but last winter’s raunchy “Deadpool” did just that.

“Deadpool” is a successful film because, much like its titular character, it doesn’t give a fuck. For a film about this character to work it needed to be over the top and anything in between, ie: lightening it up for a PG-13 audience, would’ve been a disaster.

(If Disney made this the guns would be digitally replaced with walkie-talkies)

Deadpool has to be a foulmouthed, politically incorrect, immoral, crazy bastard (with a heart of course) and the film did this all perfectly. There’s countless great one-liners, fourth-wall breaking and ludicrousness going on and yet somehow through all this the film still has a heart with a decent love story going on in between all of this.

And much like “Civil War” it’s also a damn fun action flick. It’s a glorious display of sophomoric violence that the whole family many movie fans enjoyed last winter and in many ways the most comic accurate film to date.

Ryan Reynolds is already as synonymous with Deadpool as Christopher Reeves is to Superman and all us fans should be looking forward to the sequel in the near future.

 3. “Rogue One”

I’ve already talked at length recently about my love for this latest “Star Wars” film (which surprisingly is divisive amongst fans) but it needs to be said again that Gareth Edwards really knocked it out of the park with this movie.

“Rogue One” is a great example of taking established source material and mixing something new into it without disrupting what’s familiar. Yes there are a lot of references in the film but few that actually made my eye roll like some films I’ve seen this year.

(*cough*)

For the first time in the series we see how dirty the war between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire was and how desperate that struggle was and it’s part of what makes the story and the set pieces compelling. Finally war in Star Wars is shown the way it really is: fucking awful.

But the greatest strength of Rogue One is its cast, that while may have been better served over a long miniseries, still remain compelling and tragic across a two and a half hour film. The diversity (yes that horrible word, my estranged Breitbart neckbeards) is a primary reason for that. No, diversity doesn’t automatically make a film good but it adds depth and color (heh) that can ultimately make an already good film better. And once again, what the fuck is the problem with having a few more brown people in your movie anyway?

(You tell’em, Donnie...)

The visuals too, regardless of how you feel about the story, are the best there has ever been in the series easily and has the best space battle, at least in my opinion, to date. And while you may find the fan service-y elements annoying, can we all agree that last scene was fucking epic?

Good, let’s move on.

 2. “Shin Gojira”

I’m probably the only person you know who saw this movie and I’m sure a bunch of you were vaguely aware at best that a new Godzilla film came out last year in Japan but it did and its arguably the best and most poignant one to date.

Generally speaking, when making a giant monster flick you do it one of two ways; you either make it super campy and over the top with lots of action like 2013’s “Pacific Rim” or you make it more grounded and serious like the original 1954 “Gojira.”

This is largely an example of why 2014’s “Godzilla” didn’t work (Gareth Edwards has of course redeemed himself with “Rogue One”); trying have it both ways by having a campy monster flick while also trying to make a dark American take on the famous King of Monsters. It might not have been a complete disaster but it was definitely forgettable.

(Pro Tip: Never give your hero two last names for a full name)

“Shin Gojira,” which literally translates to “New Godzilla” btw, falls into the dark, grounded end of the monster film spectrum, focusing instead on film’s message revolving around Japanese sovereignty and the frustrating and stagnant pace the government has when it comes to responding to real threats.

The film might require a bit of post WWII Japan study before viewing but the message can really be applied anywhere to those that feel frustration with their government’s inability to function.

(*COUGH*)

There’s even a bit of “Dr. Strangelove” going on in the early parts of the film with the constant red tape the Japanese government must go through in order to take action against the giant fire lizard.

“Shin Gojira” also contains my favorite overall action sequence of the year which combines great cinematography alongside a haunting score with Godzilla’s first scene breathing fire on Tokyo. Compared to the 2014’s own first sequence with Godzilla, it truly highlights why “Shin Gojira” is everything Edwards’ film should have been.

(I’m going to tease this to you like Edwards did all of “Godzilla 2014!”)

“Shin Gojira” is the first true reboot to the 1954 original and just as successful delivering its message to film viewers on the dangers of an incompetent government and not taking action when destruction is staring you in the face.

 1.  “Arrival”

Perhaps the only film I saw lastyear that will (hopefully) be nominated for an Oscar, “Arrival” was just a smidge above my previous two on this list but nonetheless a great movie.

The quality of the film is undeniable; with a harrowing performance by Amy Adams and strong supporting roles played by Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker alike, “Arrival” delivers a beautifully positive message in the shit storm of 2016.

It’s a homage to traditional sci-fi in the best way, while delivering a metaphorical middle finger to more modern “sci-fi” like “Independence Day” showing that maybe humanity can united for more reasons other than to just kill a common enemy. It’s a film that will make you ask questions and start discussions about existence, purpose and the importance of talking and communicating.

("Science Fiction”...)

“Arrival” is also compelling on a visual and cinematic level combining great cinematography and art direction alongside a beautiful musical score by Johann Johannsson that at times are so breathtaking you might be moved to tears by this alone.

(I’m not crying, you’re crying!)

“Arrival” is a beacon of light in a very cloudy time humanity is in right now, regardless of what side you may fall under, and represents why more nuanced views and solutions are needed in society, that our presumed enemies or even just people we may not fully understand can be our friends if we try.

One thing for sure, Denis Villeneuve is a director everyone should have on their radar going forward and definitely has me excited for his next project later this year...

Soon...

[snowed-out]

time to reflect on the year so when i’m older i can look back and remember this shit. this post is so much longer than i thought it would be lmao but 2016 was truly a wild ride

so 2016 eh? the beginning was kinda rocky, i was just so fucking burnt out after cegep ended and had to make some big decisions regarding where and what programs i wanted to apply to for uni. i hate making any sort of decisions about my future bc i don’t really know exactly what i want to do with my life. i choose to go the route of commerce, particularly international management and i think what this year showed me is that it’s more of a means to and ends for me. i’m really getting the diploma so i can work for a company whose values i admire and i just really want to work for a good organization that’s making a positive impact on the world. and there are a lot of them out there so I'm sure when it comes time for graduation (if i even get there) i’ll have a better idea of where I want to be applying. but that was one of the toughest decisions to make bc i choose in the end to go to a uni an hour and a half away from home, meaning i’d have to move out and while i’d have a couple of friends in my new city, it would still be a complete change of environment. but idk at the time i really thought that’s what i wanted and while i don’t regret the decision, I think my reasons behind the decision have changed a little.

but once that big decision was over with, i left in february for one of the most incredible trips of my life. i honestly can’t put into words how incredible the whole experience was for me both mentally and emotionally. i got to visit friends i had made in europe, and they welcomed me into their homes with open arms and i just felt so happy while i was with them. and it just made me realize how important they are in my life and how it was definitely fate that made us meet. my belief in fate was proven again and again throughout my whole trip. I met so many awesome new people as well, and i think i learned so much on the trip. i learned to not take everything so seriously, to genuinely live in the moment and go with the flow which is something i’ve never been able to do before. i learned to laugh at myself which is something i’m so grateful for, and i learned that no matter the outcome, it’s honestly true that “it’s all about the experience” and i think that saying is something that’s carried on with me throughout the year. i connected with someone on the trip on some deep and physical level that i genuinely never thought i would ever experience. and it was so, so nice regardless of the fact that it hurt so much to say goodbye. but i think that’s how i know that it’s not something i overthought or imagined, because it wasn’t just my mind that was sad over it ending, but i physically felt it hurt. and it sucked to feel that way but it was great to know i was even capable of feeling that way, and i now know what to look for in the future. overall it was just such an amazing trip, literally the happiest and most carefree i think i’ve ever been. and on my worst days, it’s an incredible gift to look back on because not only did i learn incredible things, but i met wonderful people and saw some of the most beautiful places in the world. and i’m so proud of myself for saving up for the trip and for going on the journey by myself. i didn’t fuck it up.

then coming home was difficult, but i remained optimistic about life. I got a job working with one of my closest friends and made another great friend out of it. some days sucked to work but when we had the right squad working I dare say it was actually fun. and yeah I met an incredible person working there who made my summer one of the best ones i’ve ever had. he showed me how relationships should be easy and you shouldn’t think twice about seeing each other. I was always looking forward to hanging out with him because we always got out and did something fun. it was a great experience and he was such a great guy but with school started and me moving out it just wasn’t the right time for anything to really happen. and now he’s moved on with a really nice girl and i’m genuinely really happy for him. and while i don’t think we’ll be friends for a while, maybe some day down the road. we kinda tied up loose ends last night but i don’t really remember much of what was said to be honest and i doubt he does either, and maybe that’s for the best and if we’re meant to be friends somewhere down the line then that’s great, but i don’t think it will be anytime soon.

and next up from the summer was school actually starting, my first semester of uni and moving out and living on my own. while i was actually really ok with living on my own, i did really miss home. because home has never really been a place i’ve never wanted to be. my mom is my best friend and i need her support as well as my dad’s and even my brother’s. i need my dogs to cuddle with and my bed and room to relax in. and i think i realized halfway through the semester that home doesn’t have to be a place i distance myself from, bc that was my mentality at the beginning of the semester. but i realized there’s no reason for me to distance myself, bc this place will always be such an important factor in my life and i know no matter how bad things get, i can always, always come home. 

and school man, ahhh school. this semester really dragged me through the mud, but it was also such a wake up call. i think i needed it to be difficult and to suck for me to finally begin to get over this stupid fucking notion that my self worth is dependent upon my grades. i don’t want either of those things to be related to one another. and this semester was just so difficult dealing with credits/co-op/international exchange/french immersion/is this what i want to be doing with my life. i realized group projects are basically a death sentence and that there’s a lot about uni you can’t really control. but i’m lucky enough to be in a position where i don’t necessarily need to keep certain grades and that really i just need to try my best. which is something i will always continue to do. i’ve given up aiming for a certain mark or caring about the mark i receive because regardless i know to myself that i’ve given everything i could and whatever mark will be, will be. and whether i pass or fail, i will still be ok. i will still have friends and an incredible family to support me no matter what as long as i tried. and boy has that been a process, a complete mental shift but i’m happy i’m working towards that because school just makes me so miserable and this semester i don’t want school to have that grip on me anymore. i’m ready for my second semester and i’m ready to stay on top of things from the beginning, to make studying for midterms and finals easier. and i’m also ready to have a fucking social life for once. like i want to do well in uni, but i also don’t want to go back to my miserable mental state. i literally went from being the happiest i’ve ever been in my life to being the second most miserable in my life. and it just sucked so much bc it was such a contrast and just knowing i was once so happy and now i wasn’t made it more difficult. but i need to find a balance between social and school and if my marks are slightly affected, then so be it. i just want to get back to being as happy as i was while i was travelling or even when i got back. and i know with time i can get there if i don’t let this negativity take over me.

and then the last thing i want to reflect on is just how motherfucking lucky i am to be surrounded by the people that i am. for starters with my family who have just been the biggest support for me throughout this hellish semester. like my mom was going through such a shitty year herself but she was always there for me no matter what. and i think just knowing they’re proud of me and believe in me and truly just want me to get through it but also to take a break if i need to means the world to me. like i know i’m so lucky to be in my situation because most don’t get the chance to go at a pace they want, but my parents don’t mind as long as i keep working hard and still make time for myself and to have fun. and i wouldn’t have made it through the semester without my friends to go grocery shopping with, or grab a coffee for a break, or come back home to visit or just rant to online. i’m so lucky to have the friends that i do. and last night showed me that too when my two best friends trekked through the cold with no jackets on just to see if i was ok and then told me all this wonderful stuff about myself and it just made me cry. like when i think about my friends and family it just makes me want to cry at how fucking blessed and lucky i am to be surrounded by such incredible people. 

no matter how shitty this year got, there was always one constant, and that was love.

i’ve never felt so loved in my life and that’s what i plan to carry with me into 2017. that i am loved, that i will always have that love and support, that it’s ok not to be perfect all the time, it’s not the end of the world, and that it truly is all about the experience. and i don’t want my experience in 2017 to be a miserable one. so i’m gonna make it as positive and fun as i possibly can because it’s better than any of the alternatives. 

[randomfandoms2004]

rYU SOO COOL screaming abt eps 33 to 39 (MASS Post)

another mass post for the holiday szn haha

I have a ryu so cool planned for the movie if i can find it, but I’ll keep that separate!

Episode 33 Highlights

Ah yes, Uden... the silent killer (He’s totally judging Boat Man pft)

Bambs... how long have yall been going on w/ this ping pong stuff??? u’re sweatin a storm (not that I mind... hehe ^^)

pFT setoh popping up at an uncalled time rofl

WHOO! Nada getting his official role call!!

Aw man, WHY’D HAVE TO BE RIGHT? I would’ve loved if Nada could’ve been apart of the line up.... Kou’s emotion as Nada was disappearing was gorgeous.

The Max suit looks fuckin bomb holy shit

Oh... Kou don’t cry... you’re hurting my heart (the way Asuna just weakly asks “Kou?” HHHHH MY HEART)

The goodbye tape... im in shambles

Overall Thoughts: I’m a little bitter that Nada couldn’t stay, but I’m satisfied with his sendoff. Sure, plenty of people will say he was a shitty character, but imo he will be a driving force for the rest of the team’s development, his death shows that. I’m a littttleee pissed at the writers for pulling a death after redemption so soon, especially since this one didn’t have that much weight or reason(e.x. Rio and Mele’s deaths. That had a lot of weight on the main team who’ve been fighting with Rio only to have him sacrifice himself. Mele passed first, and she drove Rio forwards because they loved one another). The only reason I felt so sad is because we got to see Kou cry so hard (YOU’D THINK BAMBA WOULD BE IN SHAMBLES, BUT NOPE!) and that lil honorary salute.

Episode 34 Highlights

First female villain??? maybe??? Genderfluid??? Young?? I can’t tell but i love Pricious’s design holy moly *oh nvm Wyzl addressed them as a female*

Oh the Elder! We haven’t heard from him in a bit.

HELL YEAH TRAINING MONTAGE!

Hm, good the trials are associated with their weaknesses (Towa definitely only works alongside the team, so a lone trial will do him well)

I totally thought that card w/ Everlasting Claw would make a monster but meh!

Yeah... Kou normally gets through things with sheer willpower. When someone stops him, it outta feel frustrating

Overall Thoughts: Kou may develop mentally alongside Bamba and Towa physically, given the trial cliffs. Kanaro may also take the trial, but it seems like he’s need here. I hope that the rest of the team get powerups eventually, it’s been a running theme of Red getting the good shit and... im not really fond of it.

Episode 35 Highlights

The Dragon seems to absorb power through it’s horn...

A zord made up of the Land, Sea and Air???

Hm... Mosa Rex probably got traumatized for wrecking shit and that’s where his grudge stems from?

Aw damn, I thought we’d get a little montage... but that’s okay, everyone else has their trials

But I was right! Kou has a mental trial for himself.

Me @ the rest of the team slicing through grunts like butter: YO THAT’S KINDA DOPE!

Aw... Master Red returning Kou’s inspirations, so glad they got to meet up again.

Overall Thoughts: So happy to see Master Red after such a while. This episode was a nice easy way to get the cast to level up, but I wish the trial was a bit more difficult. But who’s to say we won’t see the trial cliff be used again?

Episode 36 Highlights

TOWA?? GETTING SOME?? REALLY??

This is literally a minasaur based off the speed soul *ha good try Wyzl, but she’d never give up your heart that fast

Wha... was that Saki’s Grandfather? Is she being stalked by loansharks?

Oh nope, just her racing company.

Towa brings out hope in others, I like that about him

AH! THE SHIRT GRABBBBB

LOWKEY I WAS ABOUT TO THINK SAKI WOULD KISS HIM!!

But a hug is cute too ^^, besides he’s practically a teenager in Tribe terms.

Overall Thoughts: I genuinely think after the war with the Druidons is over, Towa will want to settle down with Saki. (maybe ten years after???) They look cute together! Sorta like Rin and Souji from Kyouryuger. But yeah, I liked this episode, we got to see a softer side of Towa who’s warm at heart.

Episode 37 Highlights

(Sidenote: WHERE IS PRICIOUS’S NOSE?)

I was kinda shocked to see Tyramigo biting someone

My guy normally doesn’t do that, good that I got proved wrong

Aw yeah, Bamba and Kou moments, out here teaching kids the line between trust and control

Kou in Max Red, riding Tyramigo? Hell yes, fuckin steed action!

A temple? New power ups?

Overall Thoughts: More Tyramigo time! He’s such a good boy. I’m excited to see what lies ahead in the temple. Sounds to me like we’ll be getting another Dinoknight or a new form/mode power up!

Episode 38 Highlights

The temple... floats? and by the looks of it they don’t call it the temple of beginnings for nothing. It looks super old af

Yuno... I’ll have to watch the summer movie for context.

Riceballs and Soy milk... I’m, still hungry.

Damn Trial Cliffs Pt2 lmao

Kreon bullying Boat Man is the reason why I always say this: Ryusoulger humor, everybody.

THE SWORD IS FUCKING RAINBOWWWWWWW!!! So cool!

“Smooth sailing, I really am a genius.”? Something... doesn’t feel right.

Overall Thoughts: Pricious is planning something. But dope! We get a new sword!

Episode 39 Highlights

ok first off, cHRISTMAS EPISODE!!!

Bamba being soft for...kids? the lady? well, maybe for kids.

“She’s very pretty...” SGHJDGH MELT HUSH HUSH YOU’RE EMBARRASSING HIM!

Yup, weak for kids.

Oh no never mind! He’s weak for the teacher

Melt, you’ve been sandwiched by the brothers...

Asuna looks so cute in that Santa outfit (❁´◡`❁)

dhjskjak Bamba fighting in a Santa suit also... who ever wrote this episode, I hate you for putting my mind in the gutter

ah. Bamba~~ hehehehe *sigh* He really is popular with the ladies.

Overall Thoughts: Soft and wholesome! We’ll probably get more serious after the new years episode... I personally agree with Kou, I’ve got a bad feeling.

Preview Time~

Master... Eras? I wonder who he is. Looks like we’ll be confronting the team’s fears, maybe this is a good segway into seeing their traumas? ALSO SPOTTED A CHILD!MELT?????

[oh-chickie]

U ready to talk about it girl? Feeling better

I’ve made a few vague posts about it but I’ll give you the low down.

As we all know, the last year has been terrible for me emotionally and November/December of last year were especially low points for me. My best friend in the world (and ex boyfriend, though not the ex that I was heartbroken over obviously) -let’s call him Brandon (because that’s his name)- was incredibly supportive of me but I was feeling really unlovable, ugly, powerless, and just generally shit. He’d been in a loving relationship for about 6 months or so and his girlfriend hated (hates) me because he and I always had a really weird relationship given our history and she felt super threatened by me. Leading up to December, she had called me drunkenly and ranted to me about how I was “so mean” to him, that I was “turning him against her” and how I was a generally terrible friend and how he was a perfect cinnamon roll. She’d woken me up at 3am to tell me all of this for like an hour. Then later that night, I was texting Brandon (or so I thought) and he was telling me that I /was/ manipulative and terrible and all this other stuff and I was beyond upset about it. I then found out the next morning that it had actually been his drunk girlfriend using his phone to text me as him. This was a huge slap in the face to me because I was the one who like, encouraged him to pursue her in the first place and I’d helped him see her point of view during the view fights they’d had. I was, I think, understandably upset. And a reminder that this was during my LOWEST point in my entire life.

I won’t defend what I did because it was truly terrible. And I’ll spare you all the gory details but I basically spent a month after that actively manipulating Brandon and basically coercing him into cheating (although I use that term very loosely) on his girlfriend. Then, I was a bitch who wanted to cause pain for others (again, this was a terrible way to behave and there is no rational excuse. all i can say is that i was emotionally… disturbed..?) and I sent him a text that I knew she would see and get upset about. Then he texted me all angrily and I apologized but silently felt good because my mentality was “You were threatened by me before? And then you make me feel shittier that I was already feeling? I’m going to ruin you” as far as his girlfriend was concerned. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD WAY TO THINK. I knew this even at the time, but it wasn’t until he called for us to take a break from our friendship that it hit me, how low I’d gotten and how much damage I caused. However, he and I had a lot of history and I thought we had a strong enough bond to maybe move past this once I’d gotten to a better place and they had mended their relationship (honestly though, I thought it was more likely that they’d break up after the stunt I pulled.), so I told him I understood completely and to take his time. This was followed by him blocking me on everything from my number to FB, to Tumblr, to Instagram. All understandable.

Then in like?? I think it was May? I reached out through an old friend of his and he got a hold of me through text and we had a short conversation. Basically just caught up on a few things and he told me that he wasn’t quite ready to start talking again, but that he knew it’d be soon. Then we said our goodbye’s again and went back to the way it had been. I’d thought this seemed rather promising overall, but the entire summer went by without any word from him. Despite knowing how wrong what I’d done was, I was an impatient motherfucker and remembered that I’d jokingly said that if he hadn’t gotten a hold of me when he did, my next attempt at contact would have been a letter, to which he replied “Letters are kinda cool though.” so what did my dumb ass do? I wrote that motherfucker a letter. Just gave him a general update on how much better my health was, how things at home were, just regular stuff. No response, but I didn’t really expect one. However, I didn’t take the lack of response as a negative thing and I wrote another about a week later with the same casual theme. I remembered that his birthday was in early September and that I’d neglected to get him anything for Christmas and his birthday last year because of my previously mentioned deep depression, but that I had promised him that I’d get him one this year. So I’m looking for something that relates to our friendship and I find a poster signed by John Green (the author of several books that he and I bonded over throughout the years) that quoted one of his books, “Love is keeping the promise anyway.” 

The full book quote is:

“Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them,“ I said.“Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.”

So anyway, I thought “Nice, an autograph from one of his favorite authors, a poster with a quote from a book with a significant amount of meaning, and a quote that directly relates to why I’m getting him a present at all. I didn’t think that getting him a present would offend him, really. Maybe I’m just a dumb bitch (I am), but I really thought he’d just appreciate the sentiment and it’d be whatever. No. A few days after the poster ships, I get a message on Tumblr from him that essentially told me that we were never going to be friends again, to stop contacting him completely, that our entire friendship had been an overall negative experience for him, and that he’s felt this way for a while but it had taken him this long to tell me. OH, and he told me that the birthday present came off as being shady, regardless of the fact that he knew I hadn’t intended it to be shady. After sending this message he immediately blocked me again so I couldn’t even respond.

Now listen. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same in his shoes. What I did was so fucking wrong. I do not blame him for being unable to forgive me. I do not blame him for not wanting contact at all with me going forward. However, I didn’t appreciate the way he described our friendship. I didn’t appreciate the accusation of being shady when it was just a peace offering and an attempt to break the ice (which he admitted to knowing, but still said it was shady).

The message broke my heart. I understand it. But it doesn’t change the way it made me feel. I’d spent the last year with the idea that once I was healthy and in a good place, he’d be my friend again. I missed him. And I still miss him. I want to clarify again that I do not expect (nor do I deserve) much (if any) sympathy. I dug my own grave, even if it was during a time when I wasn’t myself. Despite this, I’m still upset about it because of how much he’s meant to me over the past several years. And I’m mostly upset at myself. He was my rock during that time, and I tried to ruin his first real relationship out of grief and jealousy. It was out of character and I’d give anything to take it back. But I can’t I’m done ranting now but yeah. If you made it this far, please refrain from telling me how shitty I am because I am well aware of it. And I can talk about it a bit more composedly now, but I have been beating myself up about it since it happened.

Moral of the story is be kind to the people you love, and kinder to the people who love you. And don’t let grief change you the way I let it change me. I said and did things I can never take back, and it cost me a best friend.

[bryanllamado]

Life Lately | 04

What’s up, readers? It’s been a while since I last updated this section on my blog; in fact, the most recent Life Lately entry–the 3rd one–that I published was up almost 6 months ago. Well, pardon me for not having the ‘time’ or the ‘effort’ of writing one since academics is, technically-speaking, consuming majority of my time. #SkewlBoi My life has been monotonous recently (trust me, it always is) but the thing right now is, it is more routinely as I should describe it. Well, what would you expect now that we’re almost halfway through the summer? Yes, not much is going on with me (and my life) but… let’s take a closer look on how my life is lately.

·        Poetry and Prose

Finally! I stopped making excuses and had the guts to write prose. #achievementunlocked I have always wanted to write prose (and diverge from the usual rhyme and stanza form, maiba lang) as I am inspired by my favorite poets (j.sj and al v. esben) but it took me a lot of tries before I found my groove. I’m honestly looking forward to sharing some of them with you but for now, you can head on over to my Facebook Page ‘BRY Blog’ and you’ll find my writings over there. Click here or search ‘BRY Blog’ on your Facebook search bar. Happy reading!

Disclaimer: I’m still a beginner; I don’t consider myself as an expert in terms of writing. I had to observe the form and style of some pieces before writing one. I actually did a research about prose before I told people that I started writing–just so I can meet their expectations. #writermode

·        Return to Reading

If there is one thing that I look forward to during layoff from school (aside from sleep), it must be reading novels. For some odd reasons, I can’t squeeze reading in between school works as my brain could not ‘digest’ a LOT of information at once. Trivia: I also have high respect for novels; I free my mind from worries before I start reading. I finished Jay Asher’s Th1rteen R3asons Why a week ago and I have to say that the Netflix series is better – in terms of perspective and angles of the story. In the series, I witnessed the impact of Hannah’s death to the school and her family, to be specific.

I just started reading Jennifer Niven’s novels (All the Bright Places and Holding Up the Universe) after a friend’s suggestion and I’m on track with it; hope to finish them soon so I could read other authors as well. #geekmode

·        Minimalist Instagram Feed

The idea sprung after stalking Nadine Lustre on Instagram; noticed how she curates her feed–her photos look natural. I’ve always wanted my feed look ‘edited’ (like, when you look at the photos, you’ll know right away that they’re processed with a certain filter) but for a change, I wanted it to look ‘minimal’ now–in the sense that the photos won’t look heavily edited. It took me a lot of attempts in order to come up with ‘the one.’ I know it sounds ridiculous how I spend a LOT of time (literally) to find the exact look that I want but those who take the Instagram game seriously know where I’m coming from. #artsymode

I also love how Louise delos Reyes manages her feed but she deleted a plethora of photos recently; last time I checked, she only has 40 posts. *shrugs* You can check out @nadzlustre and @louise.dr on Instagram to know exactly what I’m talking about.

·        GMA Telebabad

People in my close circle know that I’m a certified Kapuso from head to toe. Kidding aside, I just love GMA’s overall lineup of shows–let alone, GMA Telebabad. I love the intense and nerve wracking string of shows on Afternoon Prime and the light and funny teleseryes on GMA Telebabad. In fact, the craze has gone out of hand (to the point that I research about Mulawin 2004 and Mulawin: The Movie just so I can catch up with Mulawin VS Ravena when I watch it). Isn’t it… fantastic?! It’s actually not surprising since I also did the same with Encantadia 2016. #kapusomode

I can survive an entire day without switching channels! On another matter, I stopped watching movies just recently because I don’t have a list of good movies to watch (and I don’t have the budget to go to a movie house). If you have suggestions of movies that I MUST see (any genre, basta malupit), feel free to message me. facebook.com/bryanllamado

·        Monotonous Life (and Lifestyle)

I need to repeat it (even if I mentioned it earlier, just for emphasis and explanation): my life is monotonous now more than ever. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to save anything (I have, but I choose not to spend it) during the semester and now, it’s time to face the consequences of failing to do so. I’m sure a lot of students are in my league, aren’t you? *cries* I’ve been stuck at home since the summer began (though I’ve had a few days out) but praise the heavens, I’m not going insane–given the month-long lack of MAJOR shenanigans. #bakasyonmode

I guess I just have to be patient until the next school year for me to return to form–y’already know, the night outs with friends and food adventures. Perhaps, I need to make the most out of summer and catch up on my ‘introvert’ self for now and enjoy it without spending much.

·        Inactive Blogger Mode

Sorry for being inactive here but I promise to make it up to you, my beloved readers. Due to shitty internet connection, I barely get to post new entries here on my blog–though there is not much to write about and share. *sighs* Oh, How To Be Bryan (the title of this blog). Please bear with me. Your owner misses you so much; (I know it’s hard because) you miss him too but there will be a perfect time for things. Tiwala lang! Pag may tyaga, may nilaga. Who doesn’t want nilaga? *winks*

So this is how life is for me lately.

Bry. x 062817