#I got this game beginning of November 2023 and it has since become such a core part of my personality istg

[the-fruitiest-fae]

I get kinda nervous sometimes that my irl’s are gonna get sick of me constantly talking about Hollow Knight but like, they’ve said they’re chill with it & I’m just excited because for the first time in literal years I can just. Openly and unapologetically hyperfixate around other people who not only aren’t going to judge me for it but are actually kind of INTERESTED in what i have to say?? About my hyperfixation?? And I really don’t have to pretend to hide my interests for fear of rejection anymore?!?! It’s this absolutely foreign, wild, wonderful concept and I’m still getting used to it and i love it and i love them (platonically). It’s not just me & my sister anymore I have a whole ass friend group who for once aren’t using me or seem like they’re just gonna ditch me for no reason & like. That’s new

Like I have these wonderful friends who care about me AND i get to study a subject I’m interested in college is the 2nd best thing that has ever happened to me (second only to my sister i love that funky buff lil lesbian with everything i have)

[thelureking]

LILIUM'S 2023 GAME LIST:

Hey! Better late than never! I actually have been editing this list since november, but I lost some of the things I said about the last games and it took me this long to remember what I had written. The risks I run because my mind flows better when I write with pen and paper. So, seeing how well the last list did on my memory, and because I got bored of talking to myself, I shall torture the unlucky ones who have found this post with both my video game taste and my rambles about them. I am so sorry in advance.

It's the same as before: they are ordered chronologically, from first played/finished to last, not ranked in how much I liked them. If I dont say a lot its not because I didn't like it, or that it was bad. At times I didn't want to give too much away. This time I tried to write each segment right after finishing them, or the following days, so that's why I talk way more or in more detail about each game and my own opinions. And who knows, maybe this will be a yearly thing. I like it, I'm Having fun. And hopefully some of these games get the love they deserve by whoever reads this.

So, once again, and now with more words:

1) Mothmen 1966

Mothmen being in the title was enough for me to give it a go, so it's good to say that the game is also good. It is divided by chapters, each one from the perspective of one of our three protagonists, showing the perspective of these vastly different people even if they are connected in some way. The game goes from a visual novel style to changing the gameplay to be interactive while also maintaining its format, something that I found entertaining. Its visuals are a treat, and I believe they enhance the horror presented in the story. All of the parts in this game work in its favor. I cannot believe I am actually saying this, but to get an achievement you need to take an L. I am not joking. It is part of a puzzle and me being good at it made me miss an achievement. No hard feelings, I had a good laugh about it as I was going back to the save file and doing it again. Sometimes, sucking is the way to go. I may have spent way too much time trying to win the Impossible Solitaire. But I will, one day, you'll see.

2) Roadwarden

You know a game is good when I play it for hours uninterrupted and is the main reason I turn on the computer.

Roadwarden is, as the title image says, an illustrated text based RPG, in which you take the role of a Roadwarden who is tasked to explore an unknown peninsula to expand a merchant's guild's influence, establish its safety, and find out what happened to the missing previous roadwarden.

Let me tell you, this game is amazing from both a mechanical and storytelling level. Mechanically because the game keeps track of so many things, it will remember even an answer you gave at the very beginning, and it'll become an integral part of your character. Even little thoughts as you are about to sleep will shape who you are playing as. On the story telling level, so many of the quests and towns are interlinked that holding back on finishing certain quests is the way to go, although in some cases having as many done as possible will no doubt help. The characters and towns are all unique and memorable, each with history that shapes them and how they interact with each other and you, the outsider. Both gameplay and story service each other to present an experience unlike any other, enhancing each other at every opportunity. The art and soundtrack set the perfect atmosphere for each moment. And the world building. Man, the world building, it's just. So well done, you actually believe this is a real place that existed before you arrived, and that it will continue to do so after you leave. It wasn't waiting for you, it did not kick into gear just because you showed up. It has its own issues, its own history, its own people, nature, culture, and you can feel that with each written word, each piece of information. I can't even explain properly just how good the world building is.

I just really fell in love with being a guy on the road taking care of these settlements' problems, getting to know their inhabitants and gaining their trust, all while falling in love with the game. There is one quest that I do not want to spoil, but the ending was so. Fitting, in a way, that I was surprised I didn't see it coming. Even as I saw the achievement name once I completed it, I looked back and just. I just smiled like damn, good job.

If you want to really take in this entire world and its people, I would personally recommend playing in Casual, since any other difficulty setting will put a limit to the days you'll be allowed to stay, and I must stress that this experience must not be rushed. Unless you dont mind a time challenge, in which case you do you. Also don't know about your memory, but I needed to take notes, and some highlights are: "Efren marry me", "We should have all stabbed Thais full Julius Caesar style", "Eudica and Efren my beloveds" and "Thyrsus is my Warlock Uncle". With that being said, the Journal mechanic is a god sent, and I can't be more grateful that it exists. Finally, a journal that doesn't get stuck in the first sentences of a quest from when you first got it.

Oh boy, those are a lot of words. Can you tell I really liked this game? I can't wait to see more from this developer.

EDIT: THE GAME HAS RECEIVED A HUGE UPDATE THAT I HAVE YET TO PLAY, BUT OH BOY IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO REPLAY THE ENTIRE GAME AGAIN.

3) Exhibit of Sorrows

A short game set in a clown exhibit, with a point - click and drag gameplay. I'll keep this one short, since this game can be played for free in both browser and for download in Itchio, and it is a neat little thing that you can beat as fast or as slow as you want. You interact with each exhibit, clicking and dragging the mouse depending on what you need to do, each with a little buddy that you need to help or have fun with to get the key, and proceed to the next screen. Its length and artstyle make for a fun and interesting experience, pacing itself beautifully. It is effective in every way. And come on, they are clowns, they are so cute and look like plushies. I love them all.

4) The Firebrand

A game about a detective interrogating a woman with different word prompts that he writes down in his notebook, all which branch into more questions and answers. You'll uncover the story and the truth of this conversation as you play along, finding out stuff about the woman, the detective, and even the world they live in. It is an interrogation against a clock that keeps on ticking, and luckily the developers give us the chance to check out a dialogue tree and how to get both the Normal and True Ending. With that in mind, the questions that don't lead to either of these are worth reading, as they serve to paint a bigger picture. And hey, you can also get the Bad Ending while you do it.

5) Royal Alchemist

Royal Alchemist is a visual novel in which you, the protagonist, are tasked with tutoring the three princes of a nation. You will fight for your life against the challenges this new position presents and also the stat checks you will have to pass at different points of the story, both of your character and the princes. Speaking of, each one of them represents a different route, with their recommended order (which I highly request following as stated by the creators: Aurelius, then Serin, and finally Nazir. Trust me, they were made to be experienced like this, you wont regret it). You will experience the constant back and forth, the battle of swords and wits with Aurelius, the emotional build up with Serin, and to describe the main appeal of Nazir's route before playing it would be a spoiler. The romance in this VN is some of the best I've experienced. I have never read about two characters holding hands in such an intimate way, it made the pure build up of a route worth every second. And the Princes aren't the only interesting characters, this visual novel is full of fun and complex characters, all with their own personalities and roles. From Raphael, the butler who might as well be the patron saint of patience, to Viola, the infamous head merchant. It has a mechanic of stat raising and, as stated before, there will be points in the story where you will need to reach a certain level of a skill to be able to pass. But don't worry, there is an official guide made by the developers which is a life saver, which not only has each stat requirement for each route, but also with neat additions like character profiles and more. The only criticism I'll give it is that some scenes are cut short when they could have been expanded on and it would have had a better effect, not only in terms of an emotional connection, but also to further enforce the bond between the player and the relationship developed in the route. But besides that small complaint, this visual novel is one I would gladly recommend.

6) Fear & Hunger

God, this game. This game hates you on a mechanical level. This game will put the fear of god in you every time you get further away from a save point, every time you think "yeah I can take this enemy no problem" and next thing you know you are eating dinner with your creator; every time you think "oh neat, a new area" and proceed to eat shit and die for the next hour because you just lost a fucking arm and a leg and can't outrun your enemies anymore. And you refuse to start another run because you are just that stubborn, and you will suffer through the consequences of your early game actions. No this is not my personal experience what are you talking about. It is a bleak and grotesque horror rpg game, made with RPG Maker. You will accompany whichever poor soul you choose as your playable character in their trip to the dungeon of Fear and Hunger, for whichever the reason their story presents. Should you play this game? Be mindful of the triggering content, first and foremost. This is a dark game, and it does not shy away from depicting it. From enemy designs, gameplay mechanics, to the way of worshiping gods, to specific game overs, and so on. Its hard and you will feel it unfair. This game will not hold your hand, and when you think it does it will put its teeth around your wrist and tear it off your body, its saliva infecting your wound with poison and leaving you to rot. I love this game.

7) Clash: Robot Detective

Fun fact: I never look into games that much before playing them, which in this case led to the asssumption that I was going to play a robot. So I named my character Flesh, because I thought a robot named Flesh was funny and also cool. Turns out, I ended up playing a human named Flesh. Which was somehow even funnier, and ended up becoming a pattern when I played the extras, which have a different protagonist, and I decided to commit to the bit and named them Blood. Flesh and Blood, my favourite human beings.

You play as the extremely new assistant to our titular detective Clash, who asks for your help in solving a mystery taking place in the cruise ship you are vacationing on. Depending on the different dialogue options, you can play as the good or the bad cop, and Clash will balance you out in this act, which leads to different and interesting outcomes.

I have to say, the artstyle drew me in. I am a sucker for these types of illustrations, and I'm glad that the writing and story were as good. I was invested not only in the case, but also on Clash as a character, who I will longingly stare at from a distance because I respect his boundaries and preferences.

Keep on going, you majestic robot detective, I can't wait to see what kind of trouble you get into in the future.

8) EXCUSE ME SIR (Demo)

Long awaited (at least for me) DEMO from Airdoft (creator of FAITH) and , and it all came about because of her videos and a single tweet.

The demo is short, but it shows the great potential of what a game like this could grow into, and I cant wait to see it become a finished project.

EDIT: Sadly, the game has been canceled, so we won't be able to see this concept grow into a finished game. Hopefully it'll inspire others with its style and presentation.

9) (Don't) Open Your Eyes

In this room, you know how everything looks. Does that include your midnight intruder?

This entire VN is a one sided conversation between you and something that may or may not be there, shaped in the darkness of your closed eyelids. Both of you are gripped by the same question, the intrigue eats away at you. Your imagination runs wild trying to give shape to this anomaly, and it is so desperate for you to find out.

There is only one way to do so:

Don't open your eyes.

10) Fortress

Man, short and effective is the way to describe this one. It has such a fantastic grip on atmosphere and tension that I admire. It truly captures the feeling of returning to a place where an impactful childhood memory took place.

Using the same location and making you play through it at different times of the story was done so well. I was ready for things to happen just because they did in the past, the first half of the game, and expected them to happen again.

In the past, I was ready to shoot on sight. As an adult, I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger, not even to see if I could. I don't know why, months after playing it, this little thing has stuck with me the most.

11) The Shadows That Run Alongside Our Car

You leave the gas station with a stranger, either on the wheel or sitting next to you. The silence hangs heavy between you two, the road is empty, the sun is setting, and the end of the world is now. Time to break the silence, you get to choose who. In this visual novel you get to decide how this conversation at the end of the world unfolds, a game of perspective between our two characters, who may hide certain details about themselves or reveal them, if they give you the choice. After all, what would you gain by hiding a secret in this car ride? It could be your last.

12) Attack of the Murder Hornets

Hornets are evil, evil things of nature. They are coming for your bees.

They are coming for you.

BE READY

13) Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition (+ Siege of Dragon Spear)

There has to be a saying that goes: If you can't play the game everyone is talking about, go play every single game in it's series that came before it. Because that's what I did, even if I already wanted to play the Baldur's Gate games before the third one came around. But it was definitely a good push. The game's story has a much smaller scope than I expected, or maybe that's just how I feel now that I am currently playing the second game, but I think it works in its favor.

I think the reason I don't have much to say, besides the fact that I had lots of fun, is because my head is still processing Siege of Dragon Spear (with its much bigger scope) and what I am currently seeing in the second game. What all I'll say about that one now is man, what a way to start a sequel.

My suffering came mostly from the ruleset used (which I was unfamiliar with) and the fucking paralysis spell. Fuck it. ALL MY HOMIES HATE THE PARALYSIS SPELL.

In terms of characters, I didn't end up using most of the available NPCs in my party, even if I made the effort of recruiting them all, mostly because the ones I had I liked a lot. I liked Rasaad and I was pleasantly surprised he had a romance in the expansion AND the second game, which I am enjoying a lot. Jaheira and Khalid never left my party, same with Imoen who I kept treating like a sister because come on, the setup of being raised in the same city since birth and being childhood friends was perfect. I love Baeloth an unhealthy amount, he is so perfect in the expansion I made an effort to keep him in the party even if I had high reputation. In the expansion my party was insane looking. Like Oh yes, the Hero of Baldur's Gate, her monk companion Rasaad, Jaheira and... a gnome nobody knows why he is around, Baeloth the entertainer I guess, and a GOBLIN? At one point I did switch Jaheira for Viconia, only because Baeloth was one point of reputation away from leaving the party. I swear, the grip that man has on me. The story from Viconia's POV must be so funny: She gets recruited and instantly tells me she is fucking off, gets recruited again only because I dont want an idiot entertainer to leave; and then when she is about to be killed, who comes to her rescue? THIS DUMBASS. She must be like: GOD, DAMN IT, I CAN'T ESCAPE THIS BITCH. I am her surface curse.

My closing thought for this game is: Whoever made the TOSC maze... Who the fuck hurt you? Same goes for whoever made that final boss. WHY?!

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 11/12/2023

Initial Deluxe (I've Just Raced on this Course Before)

Season 7 Featured on: Now That's What I Call Quality! 3

Ripped by Madinstance

Tentative rip name: Initial Deluxe - I've just raced on this Course before

This is another recent one - as recent as just the beginning of this month, to be precise. And if you're keeping up with the channel, I don't really blame you for missing it: it was uploaded right after the conclusion of a day-long mini event in Fisher-Price Day on the 29th, and just a few hours before the way-too-big Goomba Got Back Day event - squeezed in the middle alongside just a half dozen other rips. Frankly I was almost about to skip this one to focus more on catching up with the prior events, yet...people in the SiIvaGunner Discord server were absolutely enamored with this rip in particular. And after giving it a shot, its immensely easy to see why - Initial Deluxe (I've Just Raced on this Course Before) was an absolute delight of a surprise that I can't believe wasn't given more fanfare.

Honestly, before the rip's creator was revealed, I was partially convinced this was another collaboration project in disguise, similar to Patched Plains Fusion Collab - yet if it were to be any one ripper to take on this wide variety of different musical styles to rearrange, I suppose it WOULD indeed be Madinstance. The guy's not a new face around here at all, and his skills in arranging are damn near unrivalled: Fell From a High Place (Reprise), M​-​O​-​O​-​G City, Every Mob Wants to Rule My World, and so many more...you'll notice, though, that all three examples I used here are all made in reverence of the same game: Minecraft. Having talked with Madinstance myself before, he strikes me as someone who's most willing to go all-in if it means being able to pay respects to something he truly adores and cherishes - like Minecraft, like Plok and other Follin-composed games. What Initial Deluxe (I've Just Raced on this Course Before) signals to me, is that this feeling of respect also extends to the Mario Kart series.

Released earlier in November, the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Booster Course Pass has brought Mario Kart back into discussion for a lot of Nintendo fans - both in the valid criticism against its graphical quality, but also in reverence and celebration of just how well done several of the track remasters were done. Since Mario Kart DS, part of Mario Kart's identity has become to celebrate the race tracks that built the series' legacy to what it is today - which the Booster Course Pass amplifies a hundredfold. Initial Deluxe (I've Just Raced on this Course Before) thus feels like a celebration of a celebration - a lovely, heartfelt medley of musical styles from all the different Mario Kart games represented within Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. All the sections are primarily based on one notable track featured in each game - Neo Bowser City from Mario Kart 7, Cheese Land from Mario Kart Super Circuit, and so on, and all the picks feel like they were chosen with utmost care to truly represent the vibe each game's soundscape holds. As a Mario Kart Wii-kid myself I certainly feel very represented with the choice made!

All of that isn't even touching on the joke being adapted onto these various Mario Kart soundscapes - the iconic Eurobeat song Deja Vu from the anime series Initial D. A song long associated with the love of driving and racing at high speeds, it now takes on a new meaning when associated with all of these games, that together raised generations of kids into becoming fans of high-octane driving - its a meeting that felt destined to happen, and each style renders the song in such refreshingly high quality. The styles feel like so much more than just setdressing, as tons of flavor is injected from each one: from the lighthearted whistles of Mario Kart Double Dash!!, to the rawness of Mario Kart Super Circuit's compressed instrumentation, to the elements the Mario Kart Wii segment takes from tracks like its Options menu music... Initial Deluxe (I've Just Raced on this Course Before) is such a whollistic, dense and wonderful celebration of all that Mario Kart is and has become, all to the tune of one of the internet's most beloved pieces of racing music.

[plumblossombouquet]

after 5 long months ive logged onto this account. ive cleaned it up of any cluttering posts. i feel a lot of regret for how ive handled certain things and for how harshly ive always treated myself. i had tried to be optimistic on this blog, you can see it, but deep down i was miserable. this isnt a sob story post, it is more of an update and analyzing myself too. because to analyze me back then and me now is to see growth as a person.

tbh i was struggling with a lot of things months ago and even relapsed in things i wouldn’t have imagined i would have. this isnt for validation at all, i like writing things publicly like this, like a note for myself? idk. 

i know i would make comments about my mental state back then “how it got better” but that was never the case. it was temporary. 

to be quite honest, i will get into the real real gist of it. i had moved out of my parents place like in october of 2022. living with my family has always been stressful, i wont go into that though. my roommate was an incredibly selfish and two-faced person. there were red flags but i either hadnt noticed or ignored them. she was a complete pos, imo, and even reveled in being one. she was even gross and her sister who also lived with us was also gross. i feel bad for her cat bc she wouldnt clean the litter box that much until she wasnt so “depressed”. i am honestly not sure, i put quotation marks bc honestly i feel that she was just lazy as fuck. she was one of those girls who followed trends and went out clubbing a lot and had lots of hook ups. i dont know man, maybe i seem like an asshole but ive struggled with depression since i was a kid and still find energy to clean my cats litter box. granted, i have better coping mechanisms and thought processes and am just in general in a better place mentally but idk i love my cats to death and feel like a dickwad when i even go a couple of hours over with cleaning their litter box. she also didnt try to help with her cat becoming obese basically and stuff, so yea. sorry for the long tangent, my roommate was a dickwad.

after moving out of that hell hole (i wasnt apart of the lease so it was p easy), i think i moved out beginning of february? well, situations happen and i move out of parents place with my bf at the end of february. place ends up being fucking infested with bed bugs and the landlord lady was a bitch and so yea. i moved in and out like 4 times in the span of november 2022-march 2023 i think? tbh, that was all pretty stressful. but i think the good thing out of it was my cats are indoor cats now and i love taking care of them.

while cleaning my posts of clutter, i had a wave of nostalgia both good and bad. it wasnt that long ago but it feels like it. i loved rping hu tao and i think a lot of the reason as to why i could never rp with a lot of ppl was because i was harsh to myself and held myself back. i felt like i didnt properly convey hu tao’s portrayal and compared myself to other hu taos. it is easy to compare because it isnt your writing or portrayal. i could look at myself, be a harsh critique about my looks, but at the end of the day there could always be someone out there that sees things differently. in a more positive and less judgemental light, ig. i also had and still struggle with social anxiety. it has gotten better and perhaps it has helped that ive learned to be more understanding of myself like i am with others.

i love hu tao as a character and always will. and id love to come back to her! but tbh i have fallen out of the game and havent been playing it. i havent played the event including hu tao. i am not sure yet if i am going to make such a commitment to rping again but looking back at the posts made me feel a bit happy. i kinda like how i wrote her, i liked interacting and being goofy. 

so, there is that, i guess. 

[daytura]

Review of Scott P. Scheper's "Antinet Zettelkasten" book

With regards to recent events surrounding Scott P. Scheper's controversial handling of the mistake in his print book and his excited emails, I thought now would be the time to publish my review of said book.

For context, I purchased the book and the four bonus products in about November 2022 and got the book myself in December 2022. I thought they were alright; spending the extra premium is an investment in my own attention, too. After reading the book and aligning it with my own principles surrounding the Zettelkasten method, I began work on my hybrid (paper and computer) slipbox, Hemera. This slipbox is particularly significant because it is focused on my education major: cognitive science.

Unfortunately, in February 2023 this year...

Apparently, Scheper, rather than simply sending a note to those who purchased his book, and clarifying the error, has decided to use the opportunity to promote not only a second edition of his book, but also a tangentially-related $40/mo. marketing newsletter. // Actual Email 59 here: https://scottscheper.com/letter/59/

...and the subsequent "apology" in Email 60...

...and the final Email 61 finally clearing up the deal with the erratum.

Ay yai yai. What a whirlwind! It was too much -- and I had thought Scott was becoming more reasonable up to and after his interviews with Nick Milo @ Linking Your Thinking and Bob Doto @ The High Pony. So I've decided to pull away from the community. I suppose my final contribution to the Antinet community rests under the next line; but for this year, I am done.

---

Begin review. Four stars out of five.

My one tip: Treat it like a textbook!

Drawing from experience in marketing, copywriting, and managing a cryptocurrency business, Scott P. Scheper's first book makes a splash onto the niche Zettelkasten scene -- and himself.

This book is something of an inverse to Sonke Ahrens' "How to Take Smart Notes", which has been the unofficial canon text of digital Zettelkasten since it's English translation in 2017. That book is concise, specific, and spirals inward to the impersonal problem of taking better notes.

Meanwhile, late 2022's "Antinet Zettelkasten" is long, tangential, and spirals outward from the method to also reveal Scheper's deeper thoughts, judgements, and experiences. Even the first few introductory chapters are about him and his journey across personal knowledge management scene. It becomes clear early on, and through his tapestry of meandering trails of thought, that Scheper is trying to find his voice. And it's not just a game anymore. His audience now are people who may have not fallen to PKM's wayside, watched his videos, or read a single newsletter; and stretches across a timespan of a fringe note-taking culture (Zettelkastens in general) that could pop at any time.

So I'm not being cheeky when I say to treat it like a reference textbook. If you're after the impersonal task of developing knowledge and pumping out publications, by all means, eat this book through and throw the bones over! Each section is somewhat self-contained and you can skip sections or jump back and forth between them. Your only barrier might be the lack of an index, which I think is a hilariously ironic for a book whose method involve -- and validates -- indexing by hand. Whether this was an actual choice or an accident to be remedied in the 2nd edition, I don't know. Still: hilarious and frustrating.

But if you have the time and the care to connect with another person developing their mind, read the book all the way through. The book is it's own work of art. Is it any surprise that personal nonfiction, the nonfiction that plays with narratives and experience, resonates with us more than non-narrative nonfiction? Probably not.

End review.

---

If you would like a copy of the e-book, please DM me and I will send you a link.

[bouncyballcitadel]

Thanks for Clicking!

As a healthcare professional-in-training, I’ve been working on a medical drama game with a healthy dash of romance added.

Please note, Citadel and this Tumblr may contain adult themes unsuitable for underage readers.

Please enjoy and leave comments/suggestions/etc.! Also, feel free to leave something in the ask box! 

It’s the not-so-distant future, and the landscape of medicine has been irrevocably changed. Once incurable diseases are now completely manageable. Metastatic cancer. Alzheimer’s. These patients have a new lease on life, and it’s all thanks to Citadel Health’s NINO technique. But, like all innovations in medicine, there’s more to it than meets the eye…

Play as a first-year surgery intern at Citadel Health. Will you become the star intern and curry the favor of the chief? Or will you uncover Citadel Health’s secrets and break a story or two? This will be the best and worst year of your life. Don’t forget to save lives and break some hearts along the way.

Current Demo Word Count: 127,000+ words

Elliot/Ellen Sanford (he/him, she/her): 

Your roommate, and Citadel Health medicine intern. You and Eli have known each other since the beginning of medical school. Can come off as a bit of a slacker, but cares deeply about providing the best possible care to patients. Aspires to become a geriatrician.

Davy Jackson (they/them):

Fellow Citadel Health surgery intern. Very self-assured, very sassy. Has huge ambitions to become a leading surgeon of the NINO technique and isn’t afraid to hide them. Whether they’re your friend, frenemy, or enemy is up to you.

Jean Liu (she/her, he/him):

Resident (hah!) coffee-drinker, and Citadel Health medicine intern. Born and bred in the Bay Area, this is really their first time out of California (and they’re already regretting it…). Would love to do a fellowship in Pulmonology/Critical Care to become an ICU attending.

Victor/Victoria Uytterhoeven (he/him, she/her):

One of the chief surgery residents at Citadel Health. Strict, jacked, and full of angst.

Dr. Peter Grey (he/him):

Chief of NINO Surgery at Citadel Health, and one of the early pioneers of the NINO technique. Perfect for your McDreamy fantasies.

Dr. Ivy Sloan (she/her):

Medicine attending at Citadel Health. Smiles rarely. Compliments residents even more rarely. Perfect for your House fantasies.

Full Cast Art by the wonderful @enspey​ 

DEMO || DISCORD || PATREON || KO-FI || AO3 || FORUM

Citadel Short Snippet Compendium

Citadel Art - search #citadel art on this Tumblr!

DJ Citadel (Master Playlist) or search #dj citadel for individual RO playlists!

Citadel Surgery Intern Class

Artists I’ve Commissioned

Bouncy’s IF/Visual Novel Recs

10/8/2023

Hi everyone!

A couple things...

I got COVID for a month lol 😷

I got a dog (much more exciting)! 🐶

I'm hoping to release Case Three: Chapter Two by the end of October/early November, but in the meantime...

Short snippet commissions are again open on my Ko-Fi for $10/snippet! Currently, there's 3 slots available.

Patreon Residents tier ($5/month) and up get 1-week early access to short snippets, so consider subscribing (and supporting resident wellness 😉).

Cheers!

Banners made by the lovely and very, very talented @deflatedball​

[kainetestament]

Pietro, no Fietro could still possibly be Peter from X-Men Universe… Maybe?

So as revealed in Episode 9 of WandaVision, the identity of Fietro is none other than Ralph Bohner, the husband Agness always mention, and a possible real resident of Westview. WV director Matt Shakman already clarified that the “Bohner” is actually a reference to his 80’s sitcom Growing Pains. But for many fans of Evan Peters, this “Bohner” joke didn’t play well and at the same time, let us breakdown everything that is wrong with this identity of Ralph Bohner and why he’s suspicious despite the claim of WandaVision writers/director that Evan Peters has nothing to do with the mutants or X-Men Universe, after all they always deny everything. They even mentioned that they had no idea that Evan Peters appearance will cause so many theories and everything, which I highly doubt, I mean come on, they made him play QuickSilver in WandaVision when he is QuickSilver himself only of another universe. I don’t dissed ATJ, I love this guy too from his Kickass, Godzilla movie (this is where I first encounter ATJ before his QS role in Avengers), but as a QS, Evan Peters top him, on my opinion at least, he even has his own QS commercials. Also, Evan Peters have more cool QS moments, the Kitchen scene VS the Age of Ultron overall, at least for me, I prefer the kitchen scene and the whiplash part. Anyhow, let us begin:

 Note: I edited this post to make this article more easier to read and added additional info.

1. Speculations roaming around that Ralph Bohner could be an aspiring actor because the picture is actually his headshot (which actually looks like his earlier AHS photos). I’m not going to debunk this possibility, but I do not believe it’s a headshot nor he’s an aspiring actor. Although true enough, the image does looks like of Evan Peters early AHS photos (kind of like Tate Langdon) – which is probably a reference to that, who knows.

2. The pile of papers on the side table. It is questionable why would your papers, a bill (a very old bill even - not folded or inside one of those envelopes) and your photos in plain sight where Monica – an outsider can see it? Almost as if you planned it all along and he wanted Monica to see it.

3. Necromancy vs Crystallum Possession. Necromancy is a dark arts of when the person (the Necromancer) can manipulate the dead body of the person, or summoning their spirit. Crystallum Possession however is also part of the dark arts but this time you are using an object (like crystals, gems, stones etc) that is embodied with the user’s spells to manipulate the wearer.

Agatha had told Wanda that what she does is a crystallum possession since necromancy is a no-no due to his brother’s body is on another continent, and since this Pietro died in 2014, it should now be bones, I think the “full of holes” remark is nothing more than a mocking remark, because if it’s not, then Marvel will probably have their own interpretation of Necromancy and Crystallum Possession, and this could probably go darker. And Ralph is wearing a bead necklace that is embedded with Agatha’s power. But is Agatha really in full control of Ralph? Honestly, I don’t think so. Why? Because in Episode 6, Peter said about Wanda’s costume “Worse than the costume mom made us the year we got typhus”, then she reminisced “that year”, and told him  “That’s not exactly how I remember it.” because in her universe, she isn’t wearing Halloween costume she thinks is worse and she didn’t deny about them getting typhus, so what are the odds of Agatha/Fietro getting that info if he is not Peter? Also, we don’t know how MARVEL will tell the story multiverse/alternate timelines (the Russo Brothers already claimed that they have their own way of telling this story), but if we are looking for a one generic rule, major life events will occur but will be told uniquely as per their universe, on this case Peter and Wanda did had a typhus, but in Peter’s world, his Wanda and him are probably wearing whatever cosplay outfit their mom made and in Wanda and Pietro are just wearing something simple, or it could be that Peter really just have a weird sense of style.

4. The WATER BILL. Now, this is a real bill, it is not part of Wanda’s illusion, this is Ralph’s actual water bill, because Ralph’s house was under Agatha’s spell, which makes it exempted from Wanda’s spell.  Also, if you go frame by frame, you can actually see the word “Water”, “PAST DUE” on the right column part of the bill, before it totally goes out of focus and you can only read the left side part, that also says “YOUR MONTHLY USAGE (1,000 GAL INCREMENTS)”, which further validates it’s a water bill, not a phone bill nor electricity bill as others actually claim. And here is the tricky part, the bill’s date. On the right side under the STATEMENT is the Account Information (using Arial font), it’s a bit hard to make out of it, but it’s actually an old bill. Before it becomes totally blurry, you can read the right part of the bill that says:

STATEMENT

ACCOUNT INFORMATION

ACCOUNT:                      09-3476-12

SERVICE ADDRESS:     2804 SHERWOOD DRIVE

BILL DATE:                     10/01/2020

DUE DATE:                     10/31/2020

If we go back to Infinity War, it takes place in June 2018. So that means that this Ralph Bohner survived the SNAP, but what could happen to him in year 2019-2020? Who knows, I don’t even know if I should care or not.

If we check on the usage chart – which is “not blurred” (it’s also in increments of 12 – 12/24/36/48/60), and I’ll just speculate on the numbers on the meter chart, so don’t take my word for it. Also, I don’t know what Marvel is planning or hinting by showing this insignificant 2020 bill, which also has confusing usage. (I’ll just use term like pcm – per cubic meter, so that it won’t just be plain numbers beside the month).

January - 6 pcm

February – 18 pcm

March – 6 pcm

April – 6 pcm

June – 6 pcm

July – 9 pcm

August – 13 pcm

September – 22 pcm

October – 34 pcm

(November and December have gray shade - similar to the one in month of Jan-May).

Again, I don’t know what’s the significance of not blurring this part of the bill while the right side column is properly blurred. And the confusing part of this bill, is the bill date is of 10/01/2020 – meaning Ralph had received this bill during the first week of October, but why is there already a usage for the full month of October, when usage should be only show up to the month of September? After the Account Information, there’s the

METER INFORMATION (WATER)

USAGE   PREVIOUS   DATE      CURRENT       DATE

4             1963 (?)        09/01/20      *- - - -*          *- - - -*

The PREVIOUS actually looks like either 1063 or 1963, and oddly enough the first Avengers Comics was published on September 1, 1963, I don’t know if that’s a reference to that, but from my pov, it shouldn’t be because this series is inspired of House of M and a bit touch of West Coast Avengers, which was already reference by the SUV plate number in Episode 7. The CURRENT and DATE are both unreadable, I can only identify _ _ _ 2 in CURRENT and 0_/_ _/20 for the DATE after.

And let’s also not forget that outside the HEX, it is August 2023 and as per Episode 8, inside the HEX is currently year 2013 as shown in the auditorium behind the lighting after it explained how Wanda created Vision. I don’t know if this is a reference to something from the past MCU projects (X-Men even) or future franchise like Falcon and Winter Soldier, who knows, really. I just find it weird why they didn’t blurry the meter chart while the rest are. But why year 2020? Why isn’t this bill thrown out yet? Didn’t Monica notice that billing date of the bill?

5. The man-cave. The staff really transformed Fietro’s man-cave into very, very Peter-like (if he really is not Peter). I will list thing that are present and similar to what Peter of X-Men Universe room have. I’ll reference * (single asterisk) for Days of Future Past, ** (double asterisk) for Apocalypse, and *** (triple asterisk) for both films.

❀ comfortable couch***

❀ guitar*** 

❀ headphones***

❀ balls*

❀ lots of posters***

❀ bike***

❀ a bar**

❀ shoes on the floor**

❀ different types of drinks (non alcoholic)***

Also, lots of silver/metallic items such as:

❀ silver lamp**

❀ silver TV

❀ silver house ventilation tubes

❀ silver pillowcases (looks gray on other angles)

❀ silver mini fridge

❀ silver microwave oven

❀ silver rack (where TV and speaker stands)    

❀ silver wristwatch*

❀ video games*** (both PS & XBox)

and even something that looks like a stolen goods like the Tiki Bar plaque, Tiger head.

This Fietro is basically just missing the goggles, I did my best to look for it (like on those detective games that instructs you to find this and that *lol*), but there’s really none *laugh*. Also, I just noticed the arrangement of his man-cave – single-seat couch** > small side table with a lamp** > 3-seater couch (the Apocalypse has an L-shape couch though) > a middle coffee table**, this arrangement is similar to Peter’s man-cave in Apocalypse which can be slightly seen when his mom came down saying “Just checking on you” (you can watch it at starting point 1:02:55, at least on my copy), you just need to look for proper timing because a few of those shots are out of focus probably due to her obviously looking somewhere reading her lines that are raised besides the camera, which became even more obvious  when she did a close up shot when she told him “But trust me, this won’t end well. Nothing does with him.” 

Also, in Episode 5, when Peter first made an appearance, the leather jacket he’s wearing is eerily similar to the one he’s wearing in his cameo appearance in Deadpool 2 (we only got the glimpse of the front of the jacket in Deadpool but the front side of his jacket in WandaVision is identical). Though I find it weird too that his hair color switch from silver to light ash blonde.

6. Ralph is the guy under witness protection? I doubt it, although honestly at first I considered maybe he is, but after a few thinking, it doesn’t lead to it, because if he’s in witness protection, and the person who is managing him forgets him because of Wanda, FBI database should still at least have a photo of him to be able to identify him, and Jimmy in episode 7 saw Peter and never commented about him being their missing guy. As we all know, the house is under the name Ralph Bohner, who we can assume survived the SNAP and possibly left that house in September 2020. If he had left the house way back in 2020, why does Agent Woo or FBI rather only checked it now? Also, if Ralph Boner is indeed the guy under witness protection, it is the FBI that pays off their bill, on this case, the Water Bill was past due even if it was an old bill, so I don’t think he is.

7. Does Ralph Boner really exist? This is actually something that I have given some thought. Because if we think of QuickSilver, one of his abilities as per comics is his Quick Intelligence. His mind process a lot of things much faster than an average person. Peter spying on everyone and pretending to be someone else in an unknown world is not surprising, let alone using everything he can take advantage of. It can be that the bill is fake and there is really no Ralph Bohner, or just like what I mentioned in #7, he could’ve possibly left in September 2020 and hasn’t returned yet, and Peter assumes this identity to avoid suspicion.

If we are to assume he really is Peter Maximoff of X-Men Universe (Earth-TRN414) and crossed over to Earth-616, I did consider this could also be the house where he lives as per his universe and just so happens that Ralph Bohner is the current owner of the house in this MCU. Also, Xavier Institute is located in NY and in Days of Future Past, they only drove from NY to his house via rental car, which we can assume that he doesn’t live that far from NY, after all NY and NJ are neighbors.

8. Also this has nothing to do with Ralph/Fietro, but something I noticed, that the outside anomaly or outside of Westview – about the selective amnesia has yet to be answered. It only explained that Wanda is manipulating the people INSIDE, but not the ones outside the HEX. What actually come to mind when I think about it is that it can be a work by a TELEPATH which can be either Charles Xavier or Emma Frost (no Jean Grey? Yes I excluded her). What I am actually thinking is that the person under witness protection is a spy sent by Charles or possibly working with him. He could have implanted false memory to the so called “family and friends”, so when the HEX was established, the strings got cut off hence no one could remember this “missing person” anymore, and Jimmy who has nothing to do with this “missing person” is not affected by the selective amnesia and assumes the responsibility of looking for him. And assuming Charles is the telepath who altered their memories of the people outside of Westview, he probably has done it as a precaution since he couldn’t contact his spy or “missing person” and wouldn’t take the risk of endangering the resident who were happened to be outside the HEX when Wanda establishes it.

These are just some of the things I find that doesn’t make sense with Ralph’s identity. But we’ll just leave it at that. I still really want James McAvoy back as Charles Xavier and Michael Fassbender as Magneto, since both Sir Ian McKKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart did mention they’re done with their role. And I feel that it’s too risky to use them since they are in their 80’s now, I don’t know them personally but it gives me some sorts of paranoia *laughs* thinking they might get injured.

[redwineconversation]

and if i'm dead to you then why are you at the wake

I know this will come across as a little whiney, but I do think that people don't quite understand the depth of Lyon's injury crisis and the trickle-down effect it has (though I feel it has become more and more flagrant during the UWCL group stages). So let's chat a little about it.

A common argument I see is that Lyon is "stacked" and that's why they are expected to win. But are they really? Let's look at the roster, their pedigree, and current status.

GOALKEEPERS:

Endler: uncontested starter for club and country. No current injury but has conceded a goal in every game but two she has played in (exceptions being the ICC Final and the Trophee des Championnes).

Holmgren: got the No. 2 spot. Responsible for Lyon's only official clean sheet in the league so far. At least No. 2 goalkeeper for Sweden but more likely No. 3.

Paljevic: most notable thing is that she is the same height as Selma Bacha. How she convinced Lyon, one of the bigger powerhouses in Europe, to extend her is beyond me.

Number of reliable goalkeepers: 1. If anything happens to Endler, especially for a big game, Lyon is absolutely fucked.

DEFENDERS

Renard: captain. Injured at beginning of season.

Bacha: suffered a muscular tear at the beginning of the season, tore it again at the end of the away game at Juventus. Most likely out for "several weeks", return probably sometime in late November or mid December.

Morroni: available.

Carpenter: tore ACL in May 2022; expected return January 2023. Returned to (light) group training end of October 2022.

Maoulida: Who? My point exactly.

Sombath: 19 years old, first UWCL game was the slaughter against Arsenal, starter at CB prior to the slaughter but dropped from lineup following.

Sylla: yet to start a professional game, has not played significant minutes in a professional game.

Gilles: returned to group training end of October 2022. Lack of match fitness.

Cayman: 34 years old, lacks pace, not a natural defender.

M'Bock: out for season.

Number of experienced defenders available: 3.

MIDFIELDERS:

Jaurena: no prior UWCL experience, only 2 international games, had not played RB since college. Dropped following the slaughter against Arsenal.

Henry: Naturally a DM, has played CB the past few games due to the injury crisis.

Majri: previous return was anticipated for October, shocking lack of fitness pushed the return to closer to January. Has not played a competitive game since October 2021.

Dabritz: injured. Anticipated return February 2023.

Marozsan: tore ACL in April 2022, surgery in May 2022. Returned to group training October 2022. Anticipated return sometime in November 2022.

Damaris: pending medical results but most likely out for season.

Macario: tore ACL in June 2022, anticipated return January 2023.

van de Donk: severe ankle injury in November 2021, returned to practice May 2022 and game in June 2022. Still regaining match sharpness after a six-month lay-off and having to deal with inconsistent midfielders and forwards. Getting better as season progresses. Big game experience.

Benyahia: no legitimate big game experience. Lacks defensive awareness.

Horan: lingering knee injury. Big game experience.

Number of experienced midfielders available: 2 with Henry as CB, 3 with Henry as DM.

FORWARDS:

Le Sommer: 33 years old. Massive amount of big game experience, but lacks pace and is more used to playing with Hegerberg than the forwards Bompastor has at her disposal.

Hegerberg: unavailable until the end of time.

Cascarino: muscular injury, has returned to practice and games.

Bruun: lacks match sharpness but higher work ethic than others whose specialty is own goals.

Becho: lacks big game experience.

Malard: is one own-goal short of having scored the same amount of goals for Lyon (3) as she has own goals (2).

Number of experienced forwards available: 2 if you count Le Sommer, 1 if you just count Cascarino.

Total number of experienced players available: 8-9.

So when people complain about missing one or two players, it is absolutely nothing compared to what Lyon is going through right now.

The frustrating thing is a lot of this could have been avoided if (1) Lyon has shown a little bit more interest in the summer transfer window and (2) the Board overruled Bompastor's fucking youth academy experiment. Her insistence on "giving academy kids a chance" means that Lyon has no real right back until January 2023, their one (1) remaining defensive midfielder is currently playing center back, and their forward line consists of a 33-year-old, an own goal specialist, and a forward afraid of shooting at goal.

In summary: FUCK Bompastor for having put Lyon in this position in the first place.

[coin-news-blog]

Crypto 2020: Institutions to Pick Bitcoin, Retail to Stay in Altcoins

New Post has been published on https://coinmakers.tech/markets/crypto-2020-institutions-to-pick-bitcoin-retail-to-stay-in-altcoins

Crypto 2020: Institutions to Pick Bitcoin, Retail to Stay in Altcoins

Both institutional and retail investments are indispensable if crypto is to grow, but it’s likely that in 2020 we’ll see different kinds of investment from different demographics. As experts tell Cryptonews.com, institutional investors might become more important next year and are likely to focus mostly on bitcoin, while retail investors will be more open to other digital assets but won’t be as active in driving market activity.

2019: investments in infrastructure

Looking back at 2019, it seems that Cryptonews.com was generally accurate in its predictions of institutional investment for the outgoing year, with at least one minor exception.

Most notably, experts we talked a year ago predicted that banks, investment funds and other ‘institutions’ would concentrate most of their investment activities on ‘blockchain over bitcoin,’ focusing on crypto-related platforms and services, rather than cryptocurrencies themselves. In particular, they suggested that institutions would be especially interested in crypto-powered platforms that enable cross-border transactions and payments.

This is mostly true: if you type ""bank invests" AND "cryptocurrency" OR "blockchain"" into Google (or perhaps a less privacy-invasive search engine), the vast majority of stories you’ll find will relate to banks investing in crypto-exchanges, bitcoin wallets, enterprise or industrial blockchains, crypto-payment service providers, and other crypto-related or blockchain-focused enterprises.

Still, while most banks and institutional investors were focused specifically on actual businesses, 2019 did witness a slight increase in pension funds and other funds investing directly in cryptocurrencies themselves.

2020: different strategies

What about next year? Firstly, it’s likely that institutional investors – banks, hedge funds, pension funds, endowments, etc. – will show more interest in cryptocurrencies themselves, or at least in bitcoin.

"I do see more family offices looking to buy bitcoin for the longer term," says crypto analyst and former Wall Street trader Tone Vays. Crypto trader and author Nik Patel largely agrees. However, he tells Cryptonews.com that, aside from the usual equity investments, much of the focus from institutions will be on bitcoin-related derivatives, such as futures and options.

“I expect we will see greater allocation of capital towards cash-flowing cryptocurrency projects by private equity firms, as well as growing volume in bitcoin derivatives markets, as more traditional brokers and exchanges begin to offer an array of regulated products.”

While there’s an expectation that institutions will become more interested in bitcoin, Tone Vays, who expects the bull market to take off around 2022-2023, tells Cryptonews.com that he doesn’t expect institutions to invest in altcoins, while he also thinks that even buying of bitcoin will be limited, given the under-regulated nature of the space.

"Institutional investors should and mostly will only be attracted to bitcoin, I do not see too many institutional investors or traders dealing with penny stocks as they are smart enough to avoid them," he adds. "The same will apply to bitcoin vs shitcoins (aka anything not bitcoin)."

That institutions will be investing more in bitcoin is suggested by current trading activity. While Bakkt got off to a slow start when it launched its bitcoin futures exchange in September, it has since witnessed steady increases in more recent months, trading a record 2,469 futures contracts on November 22.

Leaving institutional investors, Tone Vays predicts that retail investors will be open to altcoins as well as bitcoin. "As for the retail investor, there will always be those trading altcoins the way many still trade penny stocks, while complaining about whales. Over time this will be less and less relevant."

Vays expects retail investors to be less prevalent and less important than their institutional counterparts next year. "I think there will be a bigger interest from institutional investors, but only by default as I do not see any retail entering the space in 2019, to me it felt like the year lost more traders than it gained and I just don’t see that turning in 2020," he says.

While not repeating Vays’s claim that retail investors will remain mostly insignificant in 2020, Nik Patel agrees that they’ll be more open to altcoins that institutional investors, who will be focusing mostly on established cryptocurrencies.

"I think institutional investors will primarily be invested in cryptocurrencies that have a proven track record,” he says, “and if they can find them, cryptocurrencies that generate revenues. I think retail investors, as is their wont, will flock to whatever is making headlines and whatever is experiencing the ‘euphoric’ stage of its market cycle."

Beyond 2020: trading is ‘not important at all’

And what will happen in the coming decade? Well, as with long-term weather predictions, forecasts of investment in cryptocurrencies vary widely according to the person making the prognostication and how much skin they have in the game.

At the most optimistic end of the spectrum, the likes of Snapchat investor Jeremy Liew and Blockchain founder Peter Smith believe that BTC will reach USD 500,000 by the end of the next decade. According to a report the pair wrote in collaboration, this growth will be driven by a combination of retail and institutional investment, as consumers turn to bitcoin-based remittances, and as funds (and consumers) might turn to bitcoin during times of global political and economic uncertainty.

___

The Outlook for Bitcoin in Light of Global Tensions

__

Tone Vays suspects that we might not see much of this growth until ETFs (exchange-traded funds) are licensed by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission and other national regulators. “I think an ETF is needed before institutions really get involved in trading," he predicts, with certain other cautious commentators suspecting that an ETF won’t be accepted until SEC Chairman Jay Clayton leaves office in 2021.

Nonetheless, even if we still have some time to wait until institutional investors get really stuck into bitcoin and crypto, Tone Vays doesn’t think their reluctance will hinder adoption more generally.

"I do not think trading is important at all," he says. "What’s important is more people recognizing that they can now start a business without a bank.”

“You can hire people from anywhere in the world and pay them in bitcoin, you can sell your product or service anywhere in the world by accepting bitcoin. Creating a well sustained economy by ignoring the banking system will create human freedom the likes of which the world has never seen," he concludes. __ Learn more: Crypto 2020: What Regulators Might Bring Next Year and in the Decade How Adoption Will Look Next Year and Beyond

Source: cryptonews.com

[613526362]

My gum tissue is so eroded I have chronic pain in my mouth but it wouldn't be there if I was dead

8-9-2023 I've loved a lot of people. I've loved a few women. I've sacrificed for so many, for so much. But I truly, truly believe I've never been loved. Pandemos, who loved me of course, was over me in a minute. Maybe a second. Was at the gym on Facebook the next day and deleted our pics and got her brains fucked out a week later. While I was losing sleep and cutting my veins to bleed. I'm counting days and picking my death I leave 8-9-2023 I'm done telling you people No one fucking gets it 223 million views on a video of Montana in Africa for two days And a few of those clicks put $10,000 in an American rapper's pocket. 8-9-23 Eight nine twenty three. I've never been one to get tattoos. But I think if I had it put on my abdomen. I would see it and it would be a constant reminder - "You stupid fuck, if you got this shit tattooed on your body and don't do it, how will you feel about yourself??" I need to start planning it. Six years is enough. It has to be. It must. I'm not trying to get rich anymore. I can't wait for that. I'll be [redacted] soon. Six years. Six years I'll put up with your seductive money grabbers and sports highlights and potato chips and soulless soullessness. Put up with you not giving a fuck about anything but yourself and even doing a bad job of that. Your constant identity crisis in a country with no identity. Fuck you America, I'm not going somewhere more comfortable or safe But six years from now at least I'll be somewhere that is not completely devoid of purpose That is not completely soulless and empty Look into my eyes And you will not see this sick society 8-29-23 Enough years to finish medical school, and do a short residency. Not enough to repay loans. Not enough to get rich in business. Not enough for my father to die from his cancer. He's trying too hard to stay alive to see me become a rich doctor and marry a doctor-chasing model and and have pretty little white babies. 8-29-23 A 74 year old man looks back on half of his life's fruit and says, "Oh my god..... That wasn't a phase." Redacted Dr. K had just told me he had high titers of CMV and EBV when I realized I hadn't met the latest arrival of the clan of 20-year-old black lesbians who just walked in the room. So I went and met her. Way more confident than Gode's daughter. It did weird me out how she said "You're going to show me a good time" when she visits The Big City in a tone like it was a direct order, not a question. Before I'd met his daughter, Gode had talked to me about it as we drove to his office. "She had some bad experiences with guys. She's just so innocent, guys took advantage of her. I was thrilled when she told me she's dating a girl. You know why? A girl can't get her pregnant." That night I would masturbate three times to lesbian videos. I was running two or three a days since I was in the Magical State, feeling a bit on vacation. Feeling a bit like anything is possible. Also I had free wifi rather than the mobile hotspot shit from my phone that drains my monthly data. And the lightning you could see far off, across the water. It was beautiful in the evening and at night. Pandemos' home city, home state. I called her, at 5 on my day arrival. I didn't tell her I was a few hours away from her current nursing assignment at first. We just talked. Then I told her. She was mad. I explained. "I don't know if I can see you. I think you might put me under your spell again." "Oh my god, why do guys ALWAYS say that after we break up." She would remind me the next morning that it might work out for us to see each other. And the next day. My flight attendant is from The Big City. I know the accent now. I'm on the plane about to leave, and she still reminding me that I could have seen her, and should have let her know I was coming. She's one of the three girls who The Magical State brought to me while I was here. Gode had tried to hook me up with his assistant's Puerto Rican friend, but the next day we found out she was pregnant......and married So our trip to the Cheesecake Factory that night was a "hunting session" for Marshall, he told everyone. Sure enough, as we were all looking at menus, he came back from the bathroom and motioned for me to have a word with him back towards the bathroom. I told him I was scared of what was about to happen as we walked. "See you didn't believe that Gode got game. I got my mojo. I'm hooking my dog up." And the two girls whose meal he bought were actually quite pleased to chat with us. And the girl assigned to me liked me, and looked into my eyes, and let me touch her leg. And took my card happily. That kind of went on and on. And hours later as I was on top of my hotel (the construction they were doing was kind of creepy to walk through at night, but I loved it) looking out over the water, I knew she would text me the next day. Because I knew Gode had talked me up and a medical student and brilliant and great and he-would-have-me-date-his-daughterable. But what I didn't know was that when I went back down, the Russian (not Ukrainian, Marshall) front desk worked would tell me what time she got off. Considering I had also called the wrong Gabby and reconnected with an amazingly happy and pretty Asian girl that I would have amputated both fifth fingers in college to have dated..... Considering that, I guess I had four girls in three days. And then in the airport I realized a girl has never loved me And I started writing this I started writing 8-9-23 I wrote an email telling the guy who thinks he was appointed to take over my [redacted] back on the island that I'm coming in November to kick his ass out. CC'd the dean and the current lead. No matter how much love I can show a woman A woman will never love me I like white chocolate I like going to the zoo I like new shoes and I like turkey burgers because they make me feel healthy I like the picture of my dad looking at a squirrel I like being nice to people and surprising them like that I like rainy days and I like infomercials And a woman will never love me And a man will never understand me And I will not sit in this country and try to get rich and try to find love and try to believe I have anything here Goddamnit I will not stay here to give you any peace in your cancer filled intestines father who has always been there for me and deserves heaven And your attempts to impress me have succeeded Gode. I sucketh your dick. Maybe you will take my future. But 23 is coming. I must live life like hell is the earth's gift to me 8-9-23 "As we begin our final descent into the. Big City, look to your right and you'll have an incredible view of downtown." We fly over endless streets of warfare shortly thereafter. Streets filled with blood and murder. I guess I forgot to tell Gode that even though the population of Big City is massive, half that population is dying or killing and probably can't give him ROI. I think I should stop talking to Pandemos By the time I landed, all four girls were gone. My war has resumed 8-9-23 I walk in the door, expecting to be knocked down. I forgot to take the trash out before I left. My Lyft driver home was great. It was a curious situation where I had way more experience with rideshare than him, and he had way more experience with the city. We both had things to tell. One of his was that his girlfriend had applied for Big City Fire Department 15 years ago, and was just today receiving a settlement for extreme gender discrimination they had committed against her and four other women in the hiring process. I slept heavy on the plane. That doesn't happen much. I feel the stress coming back now that I'm here. I see the flashes of light sometimes. How it would feel to come home to a hug from someone who loves you. And then to shower and lie in bed and cuddle with them. How it would feel to have a little two-foot high child run up to your leg and squeeze when you walk in the door. God even a dog who's like "I'm SOOO glad you're back to feed me" would be something. So then, is it okay if I'm never truly loved, as long as I'm hugged, or leg grabbed, or urged to feed? Maybe feeling love from people is just mistaking people's need for you to satisfy their needs. The love I practice is different. It is sacrifice and dedication. 8-9-23 I'm going to rest my eyes now. I guess I'm home.