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glass-throat · 6 years ago

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la vie en rouge ii

so after editing this one i remembered that members of the ackerman clan have that person of importance that they cherish or whatever. what if levi cared for mikasa like that? i think that’d be cute. i tried to establish more dialogue into this chapter but dialogue isn’t my strongest point. lmao i can’t even tell the difference between a noun verb and pronoun and shit like that. i just like writing sometimes.

i may have written the first half when i was kind of buzzed but there’s a lot to go through and it’s almost 5a rn so i’m posting this with fingers crossed, hoping that there aren’t too many mistakes.

levi had returned with plans of permanently remaining by mikasa’s side. having left the underground circle, levi followed her to the boundaries of wall rose only to witness the infamous armored titan destroy it. he had never seen a titan break through the wall like that.

when they reached the dump off area for refugees, mikasa had clutched onto his arm and almost cried. he thought she was crying because she was scared.

“why would you do that? what if you got hurt? what if someone saw you?” she sounded more angry than sad but she was one of the weirdest people he’d met.

“your home was just invaded by titans and the only thing you can think of is my safety?”

“yes! you shouldn’t risk yourself for me! i don’t know what i would’ve done if something happened to you!”

“i saved you and your family and this is how you talk to me?”

“i think you as my family too!”

“why? you don’t even know who i am.” he didn’t understand why she would think of him like that, but he was thoroughly pleased.

“i may not know anything about you but there’s something good in you and i want to see more of it.”

he had been introduced to her friends - armin, the blond, who was as nice as he looked while eren wasn’t as kind but was more curious about his relationship with mikasa. since they’ve only ever met at night or early morning, it would make sense to assume that she was bound to them.

levi wasn’t sure how they would react to him suddenly a part of their lives but he wasn’t going anywhere.

“when did you meet him?” armin asked. mikasa paused. she hadn’t thought of an excuse, which levi had to help with by jumping in.

“we’ve met at the market and talked a few times.”

something in his stomach told him the blond boy was going to be troublesome in the future with the suspicious looks he was giving him. eren blew past the explanation and seemed as if he was attempting to gain levi’s attention.

even though there was more to worry about, mikasa still had a hard time sleeping. levi, of course, noticed because he was usually awake on those nights with her. the first few weeks after the fall of wall maria, they have long conversations.

one night, mikasa had grown comfortable enough to talk about her past. though levi was very curious, he didn’t want to push her. he certainly wasn’t ready to tell her who he was before he met her.

he asked if her lack of sleep had to do with her past. she sighed in exhaustion. he almost wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to tell him anything, but she told him she wanted him to know.

mikasa didn’t have anyone to talk to until eren came to visit. she had said that the first time she met him was after she was kidnapped. levi didn’t feel it was right for her to tell him about herself. in a way, he felt he hadn’t deserved her trust. he had questions but he kept them to himself. he let her talk about how they thought it was going to be a doctors visit, how her mother had taught her to sew and the last thing she asked them was where babies had come from.

levi almost chuckled. he wasn’t sure how they were made, either.

then she told him after they killed her parents in front of her, she was taken to a shack where they were waiting for the buyer. she also mentioned that they were going to send her to the underground circle.

of course it was someone from underground. from levi’s experience, anyone that came from there were pigs. he wasn’t excluding himself because he had made the decision of sticking with her without asking her if she was okay with it. if she was okay with him. he had wanted to ask but he was afraid he wouldn’t like the answer. he figured if mikasa didn’t want him there, she wouldn’t hesitate to let him know.

she continued on with telling him how eren came into the picture. he was her savior. he had killed two of the three men.

“what happened to the third one?” he asked but he had a feeling he knew the answer.

“I killed him.” he couldn’t tell how that made her feel. she didn’t sound sad or upset at all. she was too good at keeping a straight face. he attempted to console her.

“you did what you had to do. if you didn’t do it then, he was going to kill you guys.”

“the knife went straight through his heart.”

“we don’t know who’s capable of anything when someone is cornered like that. i’ve killed before but i understand why i had to do it.” mikasa glanced at his eyes and nodded in understanding.

“eren had told me that the world is cruel but it can also be very beautiful.” levi wanted to roll his eyes. of course, eren would say something like that.

levi didn’t like eren. he was the kind of boy that would act before thinking. a lot of what mikasa had told him led him to believe that armin and herself were usually behind eren to keep him safe. how much trouble could he get into?

two days after the fall of maria, eren was picking a fight with a couple of garrison officers. mikasa had gotten him out of trouble but levi was pissed. there was no need for his friends to take care of him as if they were his parents. everyone had their own problems and eren was just giving everyone a hard time. he had wanted to ‘talk’ to eren, but mikasa had highly discouraged him. she had threatened him with violence. if anyone was going to hit eren, it was going to be her.

levi was slightly worried that she might’ve been enamored by eren but with how she described eren, he figured out that it was not the case. mikasa realized how she was more of an annoyance to eren and eren was the type of person that didn’t appreciate what he had until it was taken away from him.

not levi. levi had lost everything before he had a chance to appreciate it. the only person he really talked to was kenny. it was hard to find people to talk to when they were from underground. if somebody wanted to talk to him, they had bad intentions. levi had been making a name of himself. he didn’t care much for the attention - he hated the looks that were tossed his way.

he was tired of going back to the empty shack he called home. day in and out, it felt as though his actions were never getting him anywhere. even though he was fast on his feet and he was able to bring down men twice his size, levi still felt like he was at rock bottom. he knew how to use a knife but that was it.

since he made his way above ground, he had an easier time breathing. the air was cleaner and not everyone was out to get him. even after the invasion, the citizens were nowhere near as cruel as what he was used to.

despite armin’s questioning looks, eren’s poor attitude, mikasa’s overprotectiveness of the boys, and levi’s dependence on mikasa, the four remained together. when they were of age, they enlisted. levi had tried stopping mikasa from following the two of them but she was stubborn.

“where eren goes, i go.”

seeing how she wasn’t going to budge, levi decided to join as well.

“don’t follow me. i owe eren since he saved my life.” levi almost smiled. she had no idea that he was doing the same with her.

“i don’t have anyone else in this world but you. i don’t have a home. i don’t know how to explain it but you helped me. if you died because of that shitty brat, i’ll kill him.”

mikasa’s eyes widened slightly. then she smiled at him. it was one of the biggest smiles he had seen from her. she laid her hand on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck.

there were many things levi disliked but this wasn’t one of them.

“what are you doing?” mikasa didn’t let go but she let out a questioning sound.

“what do you mean?”

“touching me. this. what are you doing?”

“i’m hugging you. is that why you’re so stiff?”

“what does a hug do?”

“i’m trying to express my affection for you.”

“ugh, i know where you’ve been the last few days.” even though he had seen her get in a scrap fight with another boy from the trost district, he couldn’t help the slight twitch in his arms.

“do you want me to let go?”

“no. am i supposed to hug you back?”

“yes.”

levi and mikasa had silently agreed to keeping levi’s abilities a secret. initially, mikasa had wanted to tell armin and eren, but with eren’s strong dismay for titans, she wasn’t sure how he was going to receive the news.

in the training corps, mikasa and levi remained at the top of their class. in the duration of their training, it was no surprise that levi hadn’t made any new friends. he hadn’t seen the point if they were going to end up probably dying. it sounded pessimistic but he wanted to save himself from the most pain he could.

levi didn’t like how eren was annoyed with mikasa. it was a pattern - eren messed up, mikasa came to help him, and eren yells at her about it. mikasa was a stubborn girl so she doesn’t back down until he hurts her feelings and their relationship is further strained. levi, on the other hand, is perpetually admired near and far by eren and the other trainees.

mikasa wasn’t normal. levi noted that she was too strong for her size. the same could be said for himself, but he reasoned that he was older. because of her strange strength, she had received a lot of attention from other guys. many of them wanted to spar with her; one of the reoccurring boys being reiner and jean. levi suspected the latter to be one of her admirers. usually, jean would attempt to challenge her but levi would somehow intervene and end up dissuading the boy or fight him himself.

levi was practically inseparable from the shinganshina trio - more so mikasa. he walked out with mikasa when the first fight between jean and eren dissipated. jean had stopped mikasa (right in front of him no less) and complimented her hair. mikasa had thanked him and walked off with levi next to her.

to others, their relationship was rather strange. the air around levi demanded respect and fear while mikasa seemed to resemble this to a certain degree. sometimes shadis was hesitant to confront levi should he be caught skipping training.

on the first day, all the trainees were standing out in the sun, waiting for the infamous rite of passage. while they were waiting for shadis to finish his rounds, he noticed that he weeded out the ones that didn’t belong here. he witnessed the man harass armin and found himself taking some joy out of it. he glanced at mikasa from the corner of his eye. when they first met, he was taller than her. now, she was getting closer to his height and it felt like he hadn’t grown an inch.

mikasa had a relaxed face, almost as though she were in a daze. he had scanned the area for eren but he wasn’t able to see him from where he was standing. he had heard mikasa mention his last name but he was still in the process of learning his alphabet.

levi still hadn’t made an effort to get to know the two boys that were now his friends as well. he couldn’t care less and seeing as they still didn’t fully trust him, he didn’t see any reason to feel bad.

when shadis had finally walked past them, levi felt the need to scoff. there wasn’t any reason for him or mikasa to be there since this was just a game to weed out the weaker brats. some of them had already left camp. there were a few that the instructor had left alone - one being a blonde girl. something didn’t feel right with that one. there was something weird about the look in her eyes. it was too early to see what this girl was about, so he kept this information to himself. there was another boy: a tall sweaty one. it wasn’t a very hot day and he wasn’t on the heavy side, so he didn’t see a reason for him to be sweating so hard. he looked too nervous for shadis to walk past.

for the rest of the day, the trainees were thrown in classes to further educate them on titans and what their purposes were. it wasn’t hard to see that they were trying to inspire the other kids to get them eager enough to kill these monsters. levi took another glance at mikasa. she wasn’t engaged in the lesson since most of it was common knowledge.

if it were up to levi, he wouldn’t have joined the military. he had wanted to start over and live a civilian life. he had hoped that mikasa would want the same but she had already made up her mind. since she was so stubborn, he had planned out what would happen if she were to choose the garrison, military police, or the survey corps. if she were to choose the garrison, he’d fight tooth and nail to ensure they were in the same district. he had wanted her to choose the military police. despite the government being so corrupt, he had thought that to be better than what they were dealing with now. he’d do his damn best to convince the dumb bitch to be smart and work in the inner walls.

it was most likely that she was going to end up joining the survey corps with eren. anywhere eren went, she was going to follow. anywhere she went, levi would be right behind.

levi realized this might be their only shot of getting into the inner walls. levi only wanted her safety - he didn’t have anyone else he cared for so he definitely didn’t give two shits about humanity. he wasn’t going to save the world if she wasn’t going to be a part of it.

when it came to learning how to use the gear, it was no surprise that levi and mikasa had exceeded all expectations. it was also no surprise that eren had managed to mess up. with eren attempting to blow off his steam by provoking jean into another fight, levi led mikasa out of the dining area and back into the dorms. levi enjoyed doing side projects every now and then. not long after they had arrived into camp, he had asked mikasa if she could teach him the native language of her clan. before the passing of her parents, her mother had taught her the basics of kanji, a strange language he had never seen before. he had wanted to embrace every part of mikasa since she was his important person.

levi wasn’t good at writing so mikasa had him practice writing his name and everyone else’s name in the general language most people understood until they were somewhat legible. admittedly, was embarrassed that he was older than her and he needed her help with something so basic but it couldn’t be helped.

“do you still want to join the survey corps with the shitty brats?” he suddenly asked. his hand cramped from the unnatural position he forced it in the last hour.

“you shouldn’t call them that. you don’t know them like that,” she replied cooly while looking over his paper. “my answer hasn’t changed.”

“i don’t have to know them when they’re all you talk about.” he cringed while he spoke. he hadn’t meant to say it like that.

“if you’re so annoyed hearing about them, you should say something. i’m sure it’s not hard for you,” she bit back.

“that’s not what i meant,” he sighed out. “you know how i am with words. i mean, you don’t talk about yourself unless you’re asked about it. even then, you’re so fucking vague about your answers. i’ve known you years and i still don’t know a lot about you.”

even though they had been attached by the hip for the last few years, he still felt like they were strangers sometimes.

“you never ask about me, either,” he continued. “weren’t you scared shitless back then? are you still scared now?”

there was a short pause between them. mikasa let out a small chuckle.

“i was joking. i know what you meant but i didn’t know you felt like that. there are times i want to ask you about your past but i thought you’d be uncomfortable sharing that with me. i shared a piece of my past with you of my own accord. i’m not expecting you to share everything with me.”

levi folded his arms. he leaned further back into his chair.

“when you say it like that, i sound like an asshole. but you still didn’t tell me if you were scared of me.”

mikasa placed the paper back on the desk and gave a smile.

“i was afraid at first, but after that, i got the feeling that you were more afraid of me than anything else,” she replied with a smirk. levi threw a smirk of his own. he decided to save the military police conversation for another day.

before mikasa lived with the yeagers, she would have a hot cup of tea if she was stressed. her mother used to make the tea using the herbs from the small garden they grew. she frowned at the thought of her mother. that was only possible if she could find them but she remembered her mother had told her that they were only found on the mountainside.

the pained expressions of her mother and father filled her head for the last few days but mikasa kept to herself. living with the yeagers was nice, but she still felt alone. the family had welcomed her with open arms and warm smiles. she was beyond elated to have a family again.

she felt sick to her stomach from even looking at the men in the shiganshina neighborhood. she tried her best to avoid eye contact with any of them since all she could see were the callous hands that had secured the rope binding her wrists to her back - the same hands that enclosed around eren’s throat. she would usually leave the scene at this point but when she remembered how his arms fell to his side, swinging from the momentum, she could feel her own throat constrict.

she still wasn’t getting the amount of sleep she wanted, so when it was dark out, she went for a stroll throughout the camp. mikasa felt the gravel collect in the gaps of her toes, but she continued walking on. she was grateful for the prickling sensations on the balls of her feet and the wind for blowing the scent of old alcohol and the roaming presence of what smelled like the stew from dinner.

she found herself near the watchtower. there were walls surrounding the campsite and she found a grassy patch to sit on. mikasa knew she wasn’t supposed to be out at this time but she needed to take her mind off of her parents.

though she never showed it, mikasa was beginning to have second thoughts about joining the military. she had wanted to live in a small cottage out in the open, similar to what she lived in with her parents. a small nagging voice had told her that she was not going to accomplish that with eren and armin. they both wanted to see the ocean. armin had shown her the books that described the salty waters and at the moment, she felt a sense of motivation swell within her. she too had wanted to experience the feeling of freedom, but she had assumed that she was going to die before she would ever see anything like that.

several times before, mikasa had pondered leaving camp to start a new life. she had no desire to kill titans but if she had to, she knew she could do it. the only thing that frustrated her was how unstable things were. there was no guarantee that she would even see half of the people she trained. she had no idea what the future would bring so any plans she had wanted to make had to be short term.

before the incident, her mother had told her that she would find a man to marry one day and he would work for the both of them. they would find a home of their own and she could spend her days tending to plants, chores, children, or even make her own money. she had been told that she was going to be given a life of security when she got older. as time passed, she realized that not everything would come to fruition.

mikasa heard footsteps in the general area behind her. without moving her body, she angled her head to where the footsteps were coming from. she wasn’t surprised to see that it was levi looking for her. she had gone outside so often in the past that it had become a part of his routine as well. almost as though he could feel her eyes on him, his head snapped to her direction.

“don’t lay there. there’s fucking bugs everywhere.” he made his way to her. even though he had a strong dislike for dirt, he found the cleanest area next to her and sat down.

“don’t you care that your dress is going to get dirty?” he inquired. mikasa rolled her eyes.

“i’ll just wash it after. it’s fine. i could say the same for you.”

“i’m only here because i’m trying to get you back to bed.” a small part of mikasa felt guilty for dragging levi into all of this. if she was having doubts about the future, she couldn’t imagine how he felt. she had assumed he had goals of his own that he wanted to see accomplished. she was forever grateful for their friendship. she just didn’t want to make him feel like he had to stick with her like this.

“i couldn’t sleep, so i figured some air would be nice.” she could hear levi sigh in irritation.

“can i ask you something?” levi didn’t respond. she would ask him anyway.

“why did you come here?” she turned her head to him to indicate her full attention was on him.

“because you’re here.”

“levi, you don’t have to be here. you can-”

“shut the fuck up. i don’t need you to tell me what to do. if i want to leave, i’ll do it. but since i’m here, there’s no need to ask me to stay.”

“i don’t want to make you feel like you have to stay.”

“i’m here because you’re here. i don’t know what kind of sugar colored shit you want me to say for you to get it. if you leave, i’m going with you. before i met you, i didn’t know what i was going to do with myself. i didn’t have any plans so i was just going through the day, looking for the next meal. i don’t know why i am the way i am. if anyone else saw me, they’d lose their shit. but you saw me. you didn’t react the way you were supposed to. those nights when you told me about yourself made me feel better. it sounds fucked up but it made me feel like i wasn’t alone because you were going through shit too. i trusted you enough to show you what i really looked like and i was scared shitless before that.

“then you asked me for my name and where i came from like you gave a shit about me. i didn’t understand why you wanted to be friends with me then, and i still don’t understand why now. but i’m glad. but i also don’t want to be because what if you change your mind? i don’t know how to deal with that. you’re the least shittiest person i know on this bitch of an earth.

“i don’t know what the extent of my strength is but i don’t want you to get hurt by it. if i can keep you safe, i’m happy with it. if you’re not happy here, we can fucking leave and start a shop or something and be civilians. if you want to stay, then we’ll stay.”

“i understand that,” mikasa said slowly, as though she were chewing through her words. “there’s so many other people out there that you can form a bond with. i don’t want you to hold yourself back for me. you may not have the best attitude but - “

“did you hear what i just fucking said?” levi interrupted. “i just gave you a long ass speech about my feelings and that’s all you have to say? i just need you, that’s it. you don’t need to be dramatic and sacrifice yourself for my happiness. i’m fucking grown so i can make my own damn decisions.” levi found it unbelievable how stupid mikasa could be. she was on top of every activity and subject in the camp but she had no common sense.

he understood what she was saying, though. she had wanted him to be free and live his life the way he wanted to. she really wasn’t in any position to tell him anything about living his own life since her hold on eren is keeping her from living a normal life. they’d both be safer in the inner walls, levi thought. by the time they graduated from training, he needed to convince mikasa to go into the military police with him. she deserved better than having to prove her worth in the survey corps.

#rivamika #levi ackerman #mikasa ackerman #shingeki no kyojin #snk

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a-system-of-creation · 2 years ago

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i made this blog to be a system blog and maybe one day it will be but rn im just using it to vent my sexual frustration

emotional frustration

but sexual?

It is very strange.

can count the people i have had sex with now on one hand (less than that really) and only 1 of them has a dick and i remain very insistent to have it inside me some time

I've had it in my mouth and I've jacked them off (almost) when we tried first they were really nervous and couldn't really get it up and yesterday no Tuesday I was on my period... I'm getting off it now so... soon? probably maybe hopefully?

(god I just want that cock in me so badly... anywhere any hole just fill me oh god please)

(having gay thoughts about that dick.... regular occurrence. not regular for me. distracting. unusual. disorienting. frustrating. just wanna get railed. just wanna get back to work)

I am also.

catching feelings.

wanting to just look at them. hold them in my arms. kiss their face and sleep next to them. see them dress up and undress and touch their skin and hold them close.

tell them i love them.

i haven't even told 🐻 about this bit because I'm scared. it was fun and games and sex and jokes and fantasies and now it's real. kinda.

scared:

of other people's reactions. this will look bad to those who watched the thing with 🦊 and got the superficial impression that it was just about relationships at work, and not how 🦊 acted around the whole thing, just refusing to take responsibility just playing around just messing around, unwilling to stop but lying about it to drag it out further and make 🐻's life hell in the mean time

of ruining the reputations of the café, of 🐻 and 🐦 and 🐱, and losing out on business and potential partners and connections and opportunities. losing out on funding cus someone found out and isn't willing to give us money anymore. losing the café in general

of things going wrong. what if you hurt me or i hurt you. what if one of us clings too hard or not enough, what if this makes working together harder? there's a reason 🐻 wants to put some policies in place - it's because relationships between people who are working together are bad news for the business. is this an exception? why? can we do something to mitigate the risk? can we do something to protect the business? can we do that while still being close?

Was scared before of you catching feelings... I can kind of see in your eyes that you have. And I can feel in my soul that I have as well. What should we do?

Options include:

Continue as we are. (This is dangerous because that's what we agreed to before and now things are Different and More and I worry it'll keep growing until it's out of control.)

Perhaps I should specify what things are now:

We are colleagues who work well together. We're close and do things together. Sometimes "do things together" means sex. But not always, not even most times, just sometimes. We talk about things a lot to make sure we're all on the same page. Things are scary but exciting as well. Things are definitely enthusiastically and informedly consensual. Open and honest.

Leaving things "as they are" will easily lead to more closeness because we all crave it from each other.

Foreseeable problems with this:

Feelings! I have so many of them and they get away from me! Run away with me! Either of those things or maybe both! It's scary!

My feelings will take it hard if we do go further and have to keep it secret. This will be hard for me to cope with because I like being open about my feelings and rn I'm having a lot but this is nowhere near the biggest amount of feelings I can feel. Nowhere near

If we lean into this, my feelings will grow. This is something I know for certain.

Worried about how it will affect my relationship with 🐻, worried that they'll see the intensity of my feelings and desires and feel reminded of 🦊's behaviours. Seeing my feelings as a threat to their business, their life. Worried that I will lose my head a bit and become inconsiderate of others like 🦊 did. Worried that 🐻 will see these things in me, and be right to feel scared and angry and threatened.

Worried about 🐦 and being in a relationship with them potentially. They're so inexperienced - not young, well they are but only a couple years younger than me, but they don't have the relationship experience that we do. Scared that they'll bolt at the first sign of trouble. (But we've had trouble already and they didn't bolt... so... idk?) Worried about exposing and exploiting their vulnerabilities. Taking advantage of them because they don't know any better. I know I am capable of those things and I don't want to be unhealthy for someone in their first real experience of romance.

And lastly... of course... what if these feelings persist? what if they're here to stay? what do we do then? I guess go with the flow and see how that works out for us...

I'm already committed to having 🐻 in my life forever I genuinely would not have it any other way. Forever and then some. Don't want to be apart from them, ever

My feelings for 🐦 are not that... not yet but at this point I feel like they could get there. Fairly easily actually. Oops. I... oops. Uh.

(I was willing to pledge my life to 🦊 as well... remember that these pledges hold a lot of weight, but can be recalled)

Anyway I feel like 🐻 and 🐦 have a really strong relationship and foundation and I think having some kind of long term thing might actually work. But it is really early days so it's very hard to say. I still struggle to trust. Right now I struggle to trust in permanence. Of relationships people places... the only thing I know I can rely on is that I love 🐻 and they love me and they want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

I also know they love 🐦 and 🐦 loves them.

I also know that I love 🐦 and 🐦 loves... at least likes me too. I know they find me hot and I know they care about me.

What more do we need?

But isn't this only the first of the options of what could happen? This is the "things stay the same or become more" option.

I don't want less but that's definitely my feelings talking. and my thirsting pussy. that's a phrase i don't think I've ever used for myself. but it is definitely true. when I think about 🐦 I think with my dick. I desperately want them inside of me.

Guess we could always call it off at some point... oh but won't that hurt so fucking much? even just at this point where "this" isn't really anything defined or concrete? and won't it hurt much more if we leave it for a while only then to have to call it off later on?

I'm torn and conflicted and full of feelings and desperate for a penis in me and I need to find a way to make sense of all this...

... and it almost certainly will involve having a penis inside me at some point and that's very exciting but makes it hard to think clearly about this.

(are the allos ok? is this what their life is like on a daily basis? starting to see how so many people make so many dumb decisions... it's hard to think around your genitals wanting to fuck kgsyfjhddgdy)

(i saw a post not long ago which was like "your brain wants sex more than your body does" INCORRECT my ace brain still cringes at the idea this is LITERALLY entirely my pussy talking. sex feels good to my body and i have to get my brain to shut up before I can actually enjoy it. just as an uhhh aside I guess)

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vitos-ordination-song · 5 years ago

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over the years I’ve tried writing journals and I’ve tried writing down memories and I usually fail at both. journaling because I feel pressure to write regularly and have ended up throwing out my journal in embarrassment, and memories because I always end up trying to write everything, from the beginning. I always feel like I’m distoring things and leaving things out. however I’d really like to have some kind of journal/place I write down memories for future reference so I’m starting that on here, just for whenever I feel like it, and tagging so I can find it in the future.

rn I want to tell the story of how I ended up in the mental hospital because I’ve been thinking about it. there’s a lot of lead up and a lot of stuff that happened afterwards so it’s gonna be a long story. for this part I’m just going to cover the build up.

once I turned around 16, things started to calm down in my family. my brother started going to college--he was still living at home but he started to act a bit less toxic. my family was always worse with all six of us feeding each other’s shittiness so one person improving/leaving usually made things better. my mom was starting to chill out around that time as well, probably a combination of her working on herself, going through menopause, and having less stress on her because her kids were getting old enough to take care of themselves. I think I started to make better grades after 10th grade too, so I wasn’t getting abused for that as much.

as a result, things were nowhere near as bad when I was 16-18 as they were from like, 14-16. bad things still happened, occasionally REALLY bad things, but less frequently and generally with less severity than before. so I started to think, maybe things are okay. maybe everything can just be normal.

my sister was the biggest cause of conflict during this time. when she’d been younger, the whole family had routinely bullied her and she had severe trauma from before we adopted her, but she wasn’t a troublemaker like the rest of us. she barely got punished. she struggled in school but no one expected her to make good grades. she wasn’t that difficult to parent, if I remember correctly.

but around the time she hit puberty, things started to change. I think for a lot of people, trauma comes back up at that time. she was getting angry about how our parents treated her, especially making her do chores, which the rest of us barely resisted. she started to get violent. she was always angry. my mom has called the cops on her at least three times, as far as I know.

I wasn’t a perfect sister by any imagination. I know I joined in the family’s abuse of her--I even remember physically attacking her with a broom handle, which I twisted to be a form of “discipline.” I was always very confused over what was happening, though. I remember when I reached the age of around 12, I started to question the way the whole family would attack her, whether treating her as a nusance or insulting her intelligence. and I had a very strong sense that the way my parents treated me and my siblings was wrong. I was always paying attention to power dynamics in the family and knew when my parents were mistreating her--I didn’t buy their justifications.

things had been pretty calm for a while after I graduated high school, though. before I turned 18, I have a vivid memory of mom getting mad at me and scaring the shit out of me, threatening to kick me out. but that summer was mostly calm. people were getting along. except my sister. she had a freak out at her birthday dinner--she was mad that mom refused to get her presents as a punishment and also had an anxiety attack about being in public at a restaurant, which of course my mom went after her for.

but still, I was thinking, okay. this can all go away. I’m about to leave for college, I’m moving over 50 miles away. I still couldn’t hold on to a clear picture of my family--when things were bad, I was angry and hateful, when things were good, I thought the problem was me. I didn’t know what was real, but since things were generally good, it was all going under the surface again.

two weeks before I left for college, something huge happened. my sister was mad at my parents, who were sitting in the living room discussing her like she didn’t exist. she got out a big knife. she went and stood at the entrance to the living room, an eerie smile on her face. I went downstairs at this point. later I would realize how to deal with her when she got like that--you have to defuse her. she’s not serious. if you laugh it off she’ll stop. but at the time I didn’t know what to do. I hoped my parents would ignore her or she’d give up before they noticed she was there--she stood there for five minutes before they noticed.

I only heard what happened and had to learn about it afterwards. my parents saw my sister; my mom grabbed a belt and my dad started to push her into the kitchen. my sister threatened to kill them and then she threatened to kill herself, turning the knife to her arm. my dad violently grabbed the arm and shoved her against the desk. my mom started to beat her with the belt. my sister got away, and my mom called the cops on her.

I didn’t know what had happened. all I heard was screaming. my brothers had heard as well and had come out of their rooms and did see it. they were screaming too.

my sister had run outside and I followed after her. I know my parents came out and my mom told me to come back, but I screamed something at her--not sure what, but something approximating fuck you. at this point I didn’t know what my sister had done with the knife, which later my parents used to justify everything. I was made to feel foolish for my reaction and I’m still kinda unpacking that.

my sister was in hysterics when I found her. I don’t really remember what she said but she was repeating herself. she was so scared. she sobbed into my chest and I held her as a bunch of cop cars pulled up to our house.

nothing happened to my sister because she hadn’t done any violence, my parents had. CPS was called and visited sometime in the next few days. my sister is a pathological liar though so it went nowhere. at the time I felt a weird sense like, maybe they’ll finally be held accountable and maybe someone will save us from this situation. every time that didn’t happen it felt more like the problem was in my head.

but something amazing was about to happen--I was about to get away. for the first time in my life, I wasn’t living with my family. my first semester of college was strange. I felt fine. I wasn’t upset, I was productive. I wasn’t like how I was in high school. again it felt like maybe everything would just go away. but I could process on my own. I could think my thoughts about my family without being around them, and that had always been the hardest part, to think about all the bad things when we were just hanging out watching a movie or eating dinner.

thinking back now I was in a kinda stasis. I wasn’t ready to process trauma yet except through a medium. over the summer I’d gotten obsessed with Harry Potter and ended up reading tons of stories about abuse and him getting removed from his abusive environment. it was a marked shift from the kind of thing I’d been reading before, which had been a lot of abuse romance. but everything that had happened to me felt kind of distant.

being away was good though. I could think from my own point of view instead of being forced to see things the way my family did. and that huge incident with my sister, with CPS getting called, had brought things up. it was making it harder to go, everything’s fine with this family. I was angry on some level. I wasn’t going to let it go. I remember having a very invalidating phone call with my brother where he went after me for criticizing our parents, acting like I was melodramatic, and that’s always affected me, but I was also annoyed. and I could just end the call and go back to my own thoughts without their influence being so intrusive.

then Thanksgiving rolled around. home for a week. and I was acutely paying attention to how my mom treated my sister. she never liked me challenging her parenting and had always gone after me for it, but I was tired of it and reaching a point where I was more sure of myself after having been away from her. I was angry. I think I wanted a fight on some level, but I wasn’t ready for it.

my mom started to attack my sister for watching porn. my sister was stuck in the kitchen, my mom wouldn’t let her leave. it went on for at least 45 minutes, and I remember because I was watching the time. I was just sitting there listening. I knew how bad this was because similar things had happened to all my siblings as we sexually developed and it fucked with our heads. obviously porn and teens watching porn is not an easy subject, but the way my mom approached it was all about shaming.

eventually my mom said a couple things that set me off. she said that Jesus was watching my sister as she watched porn and he was disappointed in her, and then she said something awful. she said that women in porn are victims of sexual abuse, like my sister, so by watching it she was betraying them. I couldn’t take it anymore so I started to counter what mom said. she got extremely mad, saying stuff like “how DARE you question my parenting IN MY OWN HOME???”

we got into a super bad fight and eventually I ran off to my room. we didn’t talk for the next few days and awkwardly “made up” before I left--basically we talked to each other. our family never resolves anything so all the tension was just left under the surface.

that tension would return at Christmas break when I challenged her parenting a couple times over how she treated my sister. I don’t even remember what it was about at this point, but it started to build up. I spent almost a week refusing to leave my room.

honestly during this time and Thanksgiving break I was just miserable. I was angry but I was also scared and confused and conflicted. having my mom mad at me has always been one of the worst feelings in the world. it made me want to be dead. I was avoiding her and not leaving my room because the way she’d look at me would make me feel like dirt. the things she’d do--leave the room when I entered it, act like I wasn’t in the room at other times, slam things, move in a clipped, tense way--made me feel like she hated me more than anything in the world.

I stayed in my room for her birthday celebration. I remember my brother coming down and calling me a coward for it. my dad texted me to get me to come upstairs. but I didn’t.

I know my other brother was more sympathetic to me than he’d been on the phone earlier that semester. he would take me out in the car and we’d talk about how horrible our parents were for hours. that was comforting and it was feeding my anger.

my memories for this section of time are confused. I know at some point my mom came down in my room to “talk.” she had this attitude that she wanted to listen and make things right, but she was defensive to the point of offensiveness. the anger was barely concealed.

this break was the only time I’ve tried to really confront her about her behavior. earlier this year I confronted my dad but when she got home, that was all over because she was the same way. my dad just listened when I talked to him but apparently he’s totally rejected everything I said so that was a waste of time as well.

during that first conversation, I started bringing up past behavior. there’s about three things that happened that I remember. firstly I brought up a real, substantial instance of abuse, but it was a singular case, so she could deny it. I have a vivid memory of being in the car with the whole family going to get Sheridans--I can even tell you the exact location where it was in Atlanta. the family was tense because my brother was a permit driver and it was his first time driving the whole family. I must have been about 13 in that case. my dad was in the passenger seat, and me and my other brother were in the buckets. normally my mom would be in the front but she was in the back with my sister.

we were supposed to keep quiet because my brother was driving. I remember I got yelled at for talking twice, but my mom was whispering to my sister too. so I said one more thing to my other brother and my mom kicked me in the face. she was wearing heavy shoes, possibly high heels, and it really hurt. I remember it was on the way back and I didn’t even feel like eating my ice cream. everyone else got out of the car when we got home and I just stayed in crying. what really struck me was that my mom just kept talking to my sister like nothing happened and no one acknowledged it.

but years later, my mom denied it. I was making it up. I was lying or crazy. (my parents do this with any isolated instance of abuse.)

next I tried something more recent that had happened multiple times to multiple siblings. my mom would do this thing where she’d get in your face, screaming at you, and shove you into a wall. she’d put her fingers around your throat and squeeze. she’s always had long nails so she’d dig them into your throat. I remember her doing this to me once but to my brother multiple times. even at 15 he was way taller than her, this big black boy, and there he was sobbing being abused by this grown white woman.

my mom rejected this first because I said she choked us. that wasn’t choking, she said. I said FINE, but it’s still wrong. she said that’s just the way she parents--her kids need to be afraid of her.

next I said that she would make us feel like garbage with her words. I brought up times when she told me that I would never succeed in life and basically implied I was unlovable. she just looked at me like she was shocked and betrayed and said I had “unrealistic expectations for relationships” and expected her to be a perfect mother.

so that conversation went nowhere. later on me and my brother brought things up to her and dad, and they just listened. I don’t know how this affected their thinking but I’ll try to describe what I think happened later on.

things were at a stalemate of sorts. we were kind of acting normal but my mom started to build her defenses. I know she was bad mouthing me to the rest of the family, a smear campaign. she’s good at them. I remember ending up going out with the ostensibly supportive brother and he told me maybe I was just lying or crazy. I had no one on my side.

then something really bad happened. my sister has always been back and forth due to splitting, so sometimes she wants to bad mouth our parents and sometimes she doesn’t. I did my own attempt at controlling the narrative when we were home alone. my sister was mad about having to sweep I think, so I started unloading all my anger and she unloaded as well. and we didn’t realize my mom had gotten home and was listening silently downstairs.

shit really hit the fan after that. we were back to not being on speaking terms. my mom really doubled down on telling everyone I was the bad one, I was the problem. my whole family wasn’t talking to me. eventually my sister was on my mom’s side and she was in a gloating mood. she told me mom said I was working for the devil to destroy our family, along with other things. to this day I’m not sure how much of it was true (my mom denies she said that), but I knew she was acting like I was ruining the family and it was a last straw for me. I was done.

I really really wanted to commit suicide. I’d been suicidal for years and I’d stopped myself by telling myself I couldn’t because of my family. well clearly my family didn’t need or want me. it was a spiteful thing for sure, but I was having a full on mental break down. my first thought was pills but my sister saw me getting them out. I felt childish and silly and just went outside.

my brother found out I was having a breakdown and took me to Stake and Shake, but we never got any food. he was hearing I was suicidal and said I needed to go to a mental hospital. I didn’t know what to think. he’d been years ago and it hadn’t seemed to do him any good, but I just wanted to get away.

I went to the hospital with my mom and brother. when I got there I knew I wanted to leave. I could feel they were going to lock me up. I could feel the way I was seen as the crazy one, the one with the problem, not the people in the room with me. I couldn’t say anything about my situation because my mom was right there. the intake person was distant and professional. I started to sob. I said I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, over and over again. people were taken aback. now I was really seen as crazy.

I couldn’t stop crying. “I don’t like being told what to do!” I said through gritted teeth, crying having turned angry. my mom said she knew.

eventually everyone’s “good intentions” for crazy little me pressured me into signing a consent form. I was taken down the hall sobbing hysterically. I was strip searched and on my period which was one of the most terrifying and humiliating experiences of my entire life. then I was put on suicide watch and sat in the corner of the hospital common area, sobbing, too scared to look up at the other patients.

#journal

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ice-cream-beat · 8 years ago

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Hi, I'm an avid reader of Dark Horse Running and Where the End Begins, and I was wondering if you could share more on your thoughts of Vanitas? Specifically makes you think there's something beyond his apparent lust for bloodshed and cruelty towards Ven? Do you think there's any chance of a redemption for in the series? And also, how would you ever write/how do you picture pre-split Ven's characterization?

Hello! Sure thing! And I apologize in advance for how long this is inevitably going to be. 8D;

Specifically makes you think there’s something beyond his apparent lust for bloodshed and cruelty towards Ven?

This really isn’t something I attribute to him personally as much as

A) one of KH’s big themes is that darkness isn’t inherently bad, it’s what you choose to do with it that makes you who you are. Obviously, Vanitas has chosen to give into it entirely, but I think he has the potential to control it. The first comparison you could make is to Riku and Terra, but the biggest difference between those three, obviously, is that Vanitas doesn’t have a strong light in his heart to balance his darkness (not anymore, anyway) which is what calls into question whether it’s even really possible for him to change. But I think it’s a bit more accurate to compare him to Xehanort – a case of someone who’s given into darkness, but who (and I’m putting all my bias for the Wayfinder trio aside to say this objectively) isn’t actually evil. Xehanort does some terrible, terrible things of course, but even Nomura up and stated that Xehanort isn’t a “monster.” He never does things just for the sake of being cruel; everything he does has a purpose behind it. Granted, that doesn’t excuse anything he’s done and he’s still a terrible person, obviously, but it’s still a step above someone like Vanitas, who clearly enjoys hurting and mocking others, and who legitimately got excited when talking about the impending Keyblade War when he had nothing to gain from it besides participation and/or watching the apocalypse happen.

THAT SAID, I think there’s a grey area between Ultimately Good Guys who use darkness like Terra and Riku, and Utterly Evil Villains Who Are Swamped In Darkness like Vanitas. But I’ll talk more on that in a bit.

B) I think he’s as human as Ven is. Even though Vanitas was created unnaturally, I figure that he and Ven are really the same when you get down to it, since they each come from the same heart, and the only real difference was that Vanitas was given a new, separate body. And since all humans are potentially redeemable (in my opinion), I think Vanitas could change if he wanted (keywords: “if” and “wanted”).

And while it’s sometimes tough to figure out when Xehanort’s lying, when he’s telling a half-truth, and when he’s being honest, I also personally think that what he told Terra – “He has no control over the darkness in his heart[…] He’s an abomination beyond hope of salvation.” – was probably a lie, considering almost everything else in that conversation was false. Putting Vanitas down as irredeemable (whether or not it’s true in the end) was probably Xehanort’s way of ensuring that Terra would have no doubts about potentially tracking down this kid and killing him as he was told to do.

tl;dr: Xehanort lies a lot and I don’t think you can use what he says about Vanitas as definitive fact.

Do you think there’s any chance of a redemption for in the series?

WELL… if you’ve read those two fics of mine, then it’s probably obvious that I believe it’s possible, yes – but do I think canon will go out of its way to set up the circumstances that Vanitas needs to turn around? I’m really not sure. tbqh my dream scenario for KH3 is that everyone gets redeemed to some degree, that nobody has to die and we get the ultimate happy ending, and I personally find this to be more likely than just one or two villains getting redeemed. So specifically – disclaimer: I have nothing to back this up, this is purely speculation – I would think Vanitas only stands a chance at surviving and turning around if Xehanort does. From a plot/meta standpoint, it would probably make more sense for Vanitas (who is legit darkness incarnate) to be redeemed only if Xehanort (who’s given into darkness without letting it take total control of him, as I mentioned above, and is thus arguably an “easier” case of redemption than Vanitas) is as well.

To go deeper into it, though, I actually think Vanitas would stand a better chance of being redeemed if Xehanort survives. And before anyone jumps on me about how Xehanort mistreated him and is at fault for the way he is and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near him etc etc etc – first, I don’t acknowledge the light novels, and I think Vanitas would have been screwed up with or without Xehanort in his life. He had the natural inclination towards evil because of what his heart was made up of. Second, consider the circumstances of Vanitas’ life. Ever since being born, he’s had a purpose: fight Ventus, create the X-blade, usher in the Keyblade War. He trained for it for four years straight. If my suspicions are right and he’s one of the Thirteen in KH3, then again, he has a clear-cut purpose that defines his unnatural existence.

So even if he survives the War in KH3, his life will be radically different because he doesn’t have a purpose to fight towards anymore. Sure, Eraqus could adopt him with the rest and tell him to fight for the good side now, but what reason does Vanitas have to just suddenly throw away all his bias and beliefs, changing the way he is and suddenly fighting alongside the enemies he’s always looked down on? I don’t think it’d be that easy, which is why I say Xehanort could be the key.

Regardless of anyone’s thoughts on Xehanort personally, there’s no denying that he’s always given Vanitas purpose, that he’s the only authority and mentor Vanitas has ever known. He’s the only person Vanitas has had the potential to respect. So I’d think it’s much more likely that Vanitas would follow a reformed Xehanort long before he followed anyone else, especially anyone good and light-centric like Eraqus or Ven.

And you can probably see where these thoughts of mine tie into Where The End Begins, specifically. XD In particular – and I hope I don’t come off as too full of myself by quoting my own fic for my argument – I basically summed it up in this scene:

“I’m… kind of surprised he’s still here, actually.”

“He has nowhere else to go.” There was no pity or concern in Xehanort’s tone; it was simply matter-of-fact, as though this were an obvious truth. “Like anybody, he needs a purpose, and familiarity is always the best starting point.”

Ven didn’t hide his confusion. “You mean he chose to stay with you?”

“I did not twist his arm, if that’s what you are thinking. He is of my making, so I do not deny responsibility in the matter; I gave him some incentive to remain, but nothing more.”

Incentive…? Ven frowned. As far as he knew, Vanitas was assisting with the Heartless problem to kill time, but that was it–

He straightened up a little as a thought occurred to him.

“Wait a minute. He’s not still training under you, is he?”

Leaning his temple against his fist, Xehanort gave a thin smile. “Like yourself, Vanitas has much power, much untapped potential. More than I initially estimated. It would be a shame to let that go to waste.” When Ven’s face darkened, Xehanort added, “Or perhaps you would prefer to have him explore his abilities on his own – unguided and unrestrained?”

“N-No, but…”

“You can sense it, can’t you? He hides it well – remarkably so, considering his nature – but you of all people should know what he is truly like.”

…Although for the sake of fanfic plot, I’m complicating the matter a bit with how Vanitas has trouble putting his past aside and can’t always control those impulses (e.g. when he overdid it in knocking Ven around later on), but my ultimate point is that he does need guidance and purpose, and Xehanort is (for now) the only one who can give him that.

I think it’s also worth mentioning that, even should Vanitas be redeemed canonly, I don’t think he’ll necessarily join up with Sora and the gang as someone with entirely pure interests. I imagine him as more of the lone wolf who acts on his own the vast majority of the time, only grudgingly teaming up when necessary, and who’s really more of a neutral force than strictly a “good guy.”

AND THEN there’s the possibility that Vanitas might die in KH3, but be taken back into Ven’s heart and accept it, and thus be “redeemed” that way.

And also, how would you ever write/how do you picture pre-split Ven’s characterization?

Let me start by saying that I’m avoiding Union X spoilers like the plague, so I’m not taking that into account (on top of the fact that my thoughts on that are VERY COMPLICATED RN) so this conjecture is based entirely on what little we were shown in BBS.

I actually haven’t written Xehanort-era!Ven before, which admittedly surprises even me?? lol. But I’ve thought about it regardless, and I don’t imagine there was that much of a difference between Xehanort-Ven and Eraqus-Ven. I don’t want to use the “Vanitas’ birth” scene as a sole basis for Ven’s personality at the time; it was an extreme situation and Ven’s reaction – fear – was normal, so I don’t really like when people assume he was timid or “pessimistic.” If you took the scene of Eraqus and Ven from the end of BBS out of context, that could give the same impression. The fact that Ven stood up to Xehanort in his own way by refusing to give into darkness – blatantly disobeying his master’s orders – says he had a good sense of right and wrong back then just as he does under Eraqus. Xehanort even describes Ven when he met him as being “too benign” in his reports.

BUT moving from canon evidence to personal thoughts, I imagine Ven was probably more reserved under Xehanort. He probably didn’t have any real friends other than people he might have talked to in passing (assuming Xehanort traveled with him), meaning the majority of his interactions were with Xehanort, who obviously isn’t the most loving teacher, so I picture Ven being quieter and not quite as excitable since Xehanort wouldn’t have responded very enthusiastically to the kind of social butterfly personality that Ven has later. I also like to think he was happy with Xehanort (that flashback scene notwithstanding), but I also headcanon that Ven was an orphan prior, so for an adult take him in and give him an important role and so much attention (even if it wasn’t affectionate) would be kind of a big deal.

Plus he would have been curious about everything outside of his homeworld, so he would have asked a lot of questions, and since Xehanort holds intelligence in such high esteem, I can picture him taking the time to explain and pass on even some irrelevant knowledge, which again would make Ven feel respected and important. And that could have then led to Ven doing everything he could to respect and please Xehanort in return (again, that one flashback notwithstanding, since his morals/fear were called into question), so I also figure Ven probably tried to be as well-behaved as possible and mimic Xehanort’s behavior to a degree, reinforcing the idea that he wasn’t as talkative or prone to getting excited over everything at the drop of a hat as he is in BBS.

….THAT WAS SUPER LONG, SORRY. And I hope that rambling made some sense?? lol. Thank you for the questions, though, it’s fun to think about. :D

#ask #salve-sis #kingdom hearts #ventus #vanitas #xehanort #text post #mine #tl;dr #fanfic #headcanon #two cents #long post

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silvershadow1398 · 6 years ago

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#110 LONG

Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes

Does anyone like you? Nope

Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? Too much

Are you excited about anything? Yes

Will you have a bf/gf in 6 months? It could actually happen but idk

Does anyone regularly tell you they love you? Yes, parents

Have you kissed anyone with a tattoo before? No

Would it suck to have to share a bed every night? Yes

Who’s the last person you talked to about sex? My mom

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Aside from family, no

Did you have a bf/gf on your birthday? No

How many people do you trust with everything? No one

Does anyone call you babe or baby? No

Think back to this time last year, were you happy? NO

Next time you will kiss someone? Would be in the next 6 months, but I’m not anticipating anything

Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober

Are you annoyed at anyone? Yep

Would you rather be 3 inches taller or shorter than you are now? Taller

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now? Yes

You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems? Yes

Does the person you have feelings for right now know you do? I don’t have feelings for anyone

Do you forgive easily? No

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? No

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Yes

Listening to? New Person, Same Mistakes by Tame Impala

What are you doing tomorrow? Nothing that I know of

Do you cry easily? Kind of

Has anyone ever told you they love you? Yes but I don’t think they truly meant it

Have you ever kissed the last person you talked to on the phone? No

What were you doing at 2:00 this morning? Sleeping

Will you be in a relationship next month? I don’t think so

What color eyes does the last person you held hands with have? Never held anyone’s hand

What are you listening to right now? See #25

Do you have a best friend? Idk

Who was the last person to see you cry? Probably my mom

Has anyone upset you in the last week? Yes

How did you sleep last night? Went to bed late, but slept well

What was the first thing you did this morning? Give something to my mom

Do you like your bed? Yes

Do you want to kiss someone if you could? Idk

Will this weekend be a good one? Probably will be boring and lowkey stressful

Is your hair naturally curly, or straight? Straight

Is the last person to kiss you, mad at you? No

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? Yes

What is in your pockets? Nothing

Where would you like to be right now? Australia

Have you ever cried in public? Yes

How do you feel right now? Meh

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone? Credit card company

What were you doing at 7am? Sleeping

Is anyone on your bad side right now? Yep

Can you make brownies without having to look at the directions? I can’t make brownies at all

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? It depends

What should you be doing right now? Getting ready to go out

Is tomorrow going to be a good night? Yeah I think so

Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?. Butter

Next time you will kiss someone? See #15

Do you care what others think about you? Yes

Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again? Of course

Do you plan on moving in the next year? No

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward? Yes

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Last month

Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life? Some of my college friends, someone I used to dance with

How many windows are open on your computer? 2 tabs, 4 apps

Are you shy? Yes

How did you feel when you woke up today? Content

Think of the last person you told “i love you” to, did you mean it? Yes

What is your favorite thing to have on your bed? Pillows

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 8

What are you doing tomorrow? Packing

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you? No

Do you ever miss your past? NOPE

Does anybody call you babes/babe/baby? No

What is the last thing you thought about? That I need to get ready soon

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Idk if I have a best friend, but texted my closest friend yesterday and talked in person last month

Missing someone right now? Nah

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be? Not rn

If you had to move in with a friend, which one would you pick? Oh geez, ideally no one but probably someone I go to school with

When is your next road trip? Idk exactly but sometime in the next 6 months

Is anyone ignoring you right now? I don’t think so

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No

Do you like to cuddle? Yes with certain people

What’s more attractive: when someone kisses you out of nowhere, or when you know it’s coming? When I know it’s coming

Are you currently looking forward to anything? Yes

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? Nah

Last time you were on the phone? I don’t remember

Did you have a good day yesterday? Eh

Who was the last person that left you a message? I don’t remember

Who knows? ??????

Do you hate the last person you kissed? No

What are you wearing right now? Pajamas

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours? No

Look outside, how’s the weather? Nice

Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but came to find out they really did? Yes

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? No

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours? Yes

How late did you stay up last night and why? 2 AM, idk

Ever kissed someone who smokes? No and I never would

Has the last person you kissed ever made you cry? Yes

Where is your biological father right now? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? Maybe temporarily but not permanently because I’d lose my mind

Are you open about your feelings or closed off? Closed off

Do you think if you died, that the person you like would even care? No one likes me lol

Do you drink bottled water? I don’t care but yes I have

Where did you get the shirt your wearing? Idk

What are you listening to at the moment? Let Go by Seven Lions

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Boring and I have to go out later

If you are being extremely quiet, what does that mean? Leave me alone

Is the last person of the opposite sex you texted single? Haha no it was my dad

Congratulations, you’re pregnant… you say? First of all, I’m a virgin so how? Second, this is not good at all

When was the last time you cried? Tuesday

List three things near you: My phone, my pillows, some of my stuffed animals

Is your birthday soon? Yes

Do you like the color green? Sure

Do you like winter? Sure

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two

Have you ever been in a perfect relationship? Never been in one at all

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? Idk if I have one so yes

Does the thought of marriage scare you? Yes

Where is the person you last texted? Downstairs

Who is someone that you would do anything for? Idk probably my mom

When’s the last time you said you were fine, but really weren’t? Yesterday

Did you wear what you are wearing today for a specific reason? Yeah lol my pajamas

Did you eat a cookie today? No

What’s bothering you right now? Stress about traveling next week

Ever given your all to someone who walked away? Yes

Have you ever been around someone that was high? Yes

Do you want to see someone right now? Nah

Will your next kiss be a mistake? Idk

Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forget

Are you mean? I can be

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? Yes

If you could change your eye color, what would it be? Blue

Do you have a hard time admitting you’re wrong? Yes

Connection between you and the last person who you texted? My mom

Have you yelled at anyone in the past few days? Yes

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you’re at in life now? No

Are you in a good mood? I’m alright

Is there anyone getting on your nerves at the moment? Kinda

Last place you fell asleep other than your bed? I don’t remember

Do you hate anyone? Yes

Who are your last 3 received calls from? Telemarketers, my grandma

What it your natural hair color? Black

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Probably

Can you remember the last place you were when someone kissed you? On a boat

If the person you liked showed up to your door RIGHT NOW, how would you react? I don’t like anyone

Do you have any alcohol bottles in your room? No

Last person to text you and what did they say? Mom, “I just don’t feel up for it”

Have you ever turned to smoking or drinking to solve a problem? No

What’s bothering you right now? Stress

Do you like anyone? No

Have you kissed someone whose name starts with R? No

Who’s the biggest whore you know? Someone at school

If someone said to you “nice ass” you say? Fuck off

Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you? Nope, never been drunk at all

Do you hate anyone? Yes

What are your plans for tomorrow? Nothing that I know of

What are you listening to right now? The Nights by Avicii

Are you dating the last person you kissed? No

Was yesterday better than today? NO

What were you doing at 12 am last night? In bed doing something on my computer

Who was the last person you hugged? My mom

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone? Idc but if it happens then that’s cool

Are you going to be in a relationship with someone? It could happen but I’m not going to anticipate it or force it

#about me

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srcpcsoha · 6 years ago

Note

Could I ask you to do all 170 of the asks or is that too much lol?

Good Sir, you underestimate my boredom. (also thank you!)

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?I think 5′3 is a good height to be.

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

I WANT LIKE 30 DOXENS

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

I love dresses

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

The Harvest Moon games!! And Disgaea!!

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

Things: Cartoons, dogs, the future6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

”plz do not shake”7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

I have no problems with persons or things

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

Umm.. I actually don’t know.

9: Are you ticklish?

YES. Everywhere

10: Are you allergic to anything?

nothing important

11: What’s your sexuality?

Straight, kinda bi-curious

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

None of those lol

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

DOG!!

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

VAMPIREEEEE

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

GAME GRUMPS owo

16: How tall are you?

5 ft... D:

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

Probably Lucille

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

LOOOL no thanks;;;;

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

I think both of them are good.. i dunno

21: Are you religious?

nah

22: Pet peeves?

People who are whistling while near me, loud people etc

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

Opposite of nocturnal...

24: Favorite constellation?

None

25: Favorite star?

None

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

i guess it would depend on the doll.. i have some La La Loopsy dolls

27: Any phobias or fears?

Spiders, dolls coming to life lmao

28: Do you think global warming is real?

Yeah

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

If I saw yes do i come back as something cool

30: Favorite movie?

Uhhh....Mulan!

31: Do you get scared easily?

Hell yeah im a wuss

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

1. His name was Snickers!! He was a doxen~

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

I think its cool

34: What is a color that calms you?

Never thought about it. Wouldn’t know

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

Californiaaaaaaa take meeee

36: Where were you born?

In a hospital, in the states.

37: What is your eye color?

Blue

38: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

No, but I love to read them

40: Hugs or kisses?

I need both

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

My crush lol

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

my mom and grandma

43: Any piercings you want?

no44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

on other people

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?

nope

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

Ahhh He’s really great. He’s very nice, and creative, and he has a lot of fun ideas! :D He doesn’t like me, but we’re friends!

@continuedabstraction

47: What is a sound you really hate?

Running water.

48: A sound you really love?

the violin

49: Can you do a backflip?

50: Can you do the splits?

nope.

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

I don’t know if I have a favorite per say

52: Favorite movie?

Was I not already asked this?

53: How are you feeling right now?

just kinda meh

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

BLUEEE, god i wanna dye my hair again

55: When did you feel happiest?

Being accepted into college

56: Something that calms you down?

warm water

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

ADD

58: What does your URL mean?

its the first letter of all of my Disgaea characters together.

Sakar, Ri, Celick, Pamille, Chi, Sahana, Oni, Harry, Ambereve.

59: What three words describe you the most?

Tired, sarcastic, and DOG

60: Do you believe in evolution?

sure

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

Porn bots lmao

62: What makes you follow a blog?

same interests!

63: Favorite kind of person:

A chill friend~

64: Favorite animal(s):

FOX !!!!!!

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

shit bro

@vanitasaurus @yotniinam and @funhousefreak

66: Favorite emoticon:

Probably the eye emoji lmao

67: Favorite meme:

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

Uh.. ?

69: What is your star sign?

??????

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

nope!!! but he was so cute!!

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

Lately a dress to lounge around in

72: Post a selfie or two?

73: Do you have platform shoes?

I have a pair of 6 inch heels, does that count?

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

75: Can you do a front flip?

lmfao god no

76: Do you like birds?

nope, nature sucksss

77: Do you like to swim?

yeah!

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

gotta say swim, I cant skate

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

Donald Trump : )

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

World Peace

81: Piercings you have?

none

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

Watching Game Grumps! Doing it now

83: Favorite person to talk to:

probably @xiulric

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

Wow everyone is a super great artist except me

85: How many followers do you have?

320

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

Why are all of these questions about athletic.. lol no

87: Do your socks always match?

not always but I try

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

yep

89: What are your birthstones?

Garnet!

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

Fox

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

oooh A rose! A red rose

92: A store you hate?

Forever 21... I can never find anything I like..

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

None, coffee is disgusting

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

READ MINDS, I WANNA KNOW WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF ME

95: Do you like to wear camo?

96: Winter or summer?

Summer!

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

not long lol

98: Least favorite person?

oh there are too many

99: Someone you look up to:

Cartoon creators!! SOMEDAY!!!!!

100: A store you love?

Hot Topic~

101: Favorite type of shoes

something comfy!

102: Where do you live?

Canada

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

nope, i love steak

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

105: Do you drink milk?

No..

106: Do you like bugs?

Ew NO

107: Do you like spiders?

eEW nOO

108: Something you get paranoid about?

Dying

109: Can you draw:

Fuck yeah

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

Can’t think of any..

111: A question you hate being asked?

ANNE WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET A BOYFRIEND, BITCH SHUT UP IM TRYing

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

nope

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Its ok

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Sunny!!

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

@continuedabstraction ahh i need a cuddle pal

116: Favorite cloud type:

all?? Theyre all good!

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

I wish it was blue rn, its cloudy and gonna rain..

118: Do you have freckles?

no..

119: Favorite thing about a person:

Me! My smile

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Fruit~

121: Something you want to do right now:

see my friends

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

Sky!

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Sweet~

124: Bright or dim lights?

bright

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

No..

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

cant think of anything right now..

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

my followers~

128: What do you think about the least?

the what???

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

Something funny, like “brb busy painting the clouds”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

oooHHh some fucking bitch ass antis

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

You can have one, not the other lol

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

yep!

133: Computer or TV?

Computer!

134: Do you like roller coasters?

GOD NO

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

None

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

Uhhh... ?? I dont know...

137: Do you believe in karma?

yeah

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

hgdhejgj maybe a 4 or 5

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Annie, Annie bananie, Eeyore ... i hate nicknames

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

no but i used to pretend that i was a princess

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

Yep, When I was on some medication, I had to be.

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

I try to be a good influence

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

GIVE ME THOSE GIFTSSSS

144: What makes you angry

TOO MANY THINGS. Snobs, People hurting my friends, bullying, etc

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

None

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

Guys

147: Are you androgynous?

nah

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

My boobs count, right?

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

Im caring, but in a very aggressive way

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

@vanitasaurus @continuedabstraction and @yotniinam

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

Shit uh.. I have to go back in time??? Nowhere...

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

sure?

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

No. Dont play with mine either

156: What embarrasses you?

Myself tbh

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Being with my friends

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

That i needed to go to the hospital when i didnt

159: How many people are you following?

327

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

far too many

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

none

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

dunno

163: Last time you cried and why:

Cant remember..

164: Do you have long or short hair?

short to others, long to me

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

past my shoulders

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

People get way too into it and try to force their beliefs on you

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

No.

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

Yeah sometimes

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

nope170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yeah

0 notes