#I get so overwhelmed and I have a pretty blah life

[chanoeys]

Every year, I realise more and more that I am truly meant to be by myself.

Not in a I suck no one could love me wahhh way (though factual) but in a I’m exhausted just existing and attempting to take care of myself, I could not deal with any extra.

[uplatterme]

aether and kaveh look like disney princesses i wanna fuck the shit out of

there is no need for elaboration

-🪸

—okay. you’ve got me hooked. rapunzel!aether in part 2! (tba)

—cinderella!kaveh/royalty!reader, sub!bottom!kaveh/top!dom!reader, amab!reader (referred with they/them pronouns) | cinderella au, semi-public sex, quickie, clothed sex, cum as lube, porn with actual plot (don’t let the tags fool u, this is so fucking soft)

You completely regret hosting this party.

It was something that your advisor had tasked you to do. Host a party, find a suitable partner, get an heir so the kingdom has someone to depend on, blah blah blah.

It’s not like you were even that old. 

You sigh, a cigarette on your lips as you lay your back on the wall of the balcony. So many folks festering you, for that chance that you’ll somehow hand them their crown. 

Your head aches at the number of conversations you have had to endure just to be polite, the amount of times you’ve had to shake off someone from hugging your arm without your consent.

“Oh, fuck!” You hear someone yelp.

And while the owner of this voice sounds overly anxious, you can’t help but want to hear it again, especially with the polite wording that the attendees have used to butter you up. someone swearing right in front of you catches your interest.

Hands reach the bottom of the balcony, and someone lifts their body up to get on the platform.

“Oh god, why is the entrance so crowded?” The person says.

Your ears perk up at that.

“Well, their highness did host it. it’s been a while since such an event has happened.” You answer.

The figure flinches, turning their attention to you. 

Your mouth gapes as you finally see who that voice belonged to. Everything about him is enticing that you can’t help but to drown in his gaze. 

He’s properly dressed as well, although not anything overwhelming to the eyes.

Now, which family had been hiding such a prince from you?

“Ah sorry, I didn’t realize someone was here.” He quickly apologizes. His cheeks flush, not expecting someone to catch him climbing up a balcony.

“You’re more than welcome to stay.” You offer, craving more of him.

He shakes his head, much to your disappointment.

“I’m actually here for something else.” he says.

You hum. “Also aiming for the heart of their highness, then?”

Take it, unknown prince.

“What?! N-No, not at all!” He screams in reply. “I mean, I'd be flattered if their highness even finds me a bit intriguing.”

“Have you met them?” You ask.

“Oh. I haven’t really got the time for that.” He answers, although he seems to be in a melancholy thought when he does.

Still, you breathe at his beauty. You think you can stare at him for your whole life.

You quickly try to change the topic.

“So, what are you here for?”

He points behind you.

You turn your head back but what faces you is nothing but the empty hallway.

“Sorry?” You question.

“The castle.”

His answers just keep surprising you.

He blushes, rubbing his arm as he paces around the small space of the balcony.

“You’re interested in the architecture?”

As soon as you mention that, he brightens up. “Yes! From what I've seen, it’s alright.”

You feel offended. It is your castle, one for which you’ve decided most of the structure. He seems to notice his mistake as he panics.

“But don’t tell anyone that! Especially not their highness…”

You grin.

“Perhaps, the inside can change your mind?” 

“Inside? I don’t think we’re allowed—”

“If we don’t get caught, it’s fine, right?” 

“Yes, but—”

You grab the stranger’s hand and lead him inside, he stumbles in after you, the warmth in your hand startling him.

You bring him into different rooms, hoping that one of them will at least suit his taste.

“This?”

“It’s a bit cramped, the furniture set is going against the wallpaper.”

You roll your eyes, he’s so damn picky. That, or you’re just really bad at interior decorating.

Still, you smile at every single word he says. Being royalty, you have no damn clue what he’s saying. But with that pretty voice of his, you could listen to it for hours.

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit too harsh? What if their highness were merely shown bad choices by their architects?” You say, hoping that wouldn’t risk the random attendee persona that you’re playing at the moment.

“If that’s true, they should’ve fired those architects.” He states confidently.

You laugh. “And what, hire you instead?”

He purses his lips, he didn’t expect you to get that so easily.

He stays silent.

“Do you want to?” You ask.

“Get hired?” The look on his face is so innocent like he can’t even believe that you’re asking such a thing. As if the answer is painfully obvious.

You shake your head. 

“To build a castle.”

He stares at you dumbfounded. His eyes glimmer as he grabs your hands and does so aggressively. You don’t mind even a second of it.

“Are you fucking crazy? T-That’s like my dream!” He admits. He’s smiling widely, his face nothing but only a few centimeters away from you.

He starts babbling about the materials he’ll make it with, the different types of rooms and decorations he’ll add. He’s so damn fascinating, you don’t even care about the speech that you’re supposed to give by midnight.

It’s like he has planned this for a long time. Everything he says is so intricate. His hands move as if he’s drawing it, he’s a bit shaky but it’s obvious that it’s from excitement. To your amazement, the way he describes everything makes it seem as if you’re actually in that castle in your head.

Once he realizes how much he’s talking, he stutters an apology.

“Sorry! It’s just that no one has ever asked me about this, I mean at home I—”

“Okay. I’ll give that to you.” You reply genuinely, your eyes are focused on his soft lips.

His chest heaves and his golden eyelashes flutter with grace…just looking at you.

“You know that’s impossible. I’m not even a professionally licensed architect.” 

“It’s not.”

You’ll make it happen, even if your advisor goes against it. It doesn’t matter if you have to demolish the entire castle you’re in right now.

“It is! You’re just flattering me, I get it. You’ve been nothing but nice to me, but you don’t have to promise and lie to about such things.”

“I mean it.” You say it so sternly that he almost starts believing it.

He sighs deeply. “Going to this party is already a dream come true. There was this little green fairy with white hair, I—”

The words slip out of your mouth, cutting off whatever stupid things he has to say.

“Meeting you is a dream come true.” 

The next few moments are a blur. Your hands are all over the unknown stranger. Fuck, it’s as if you’ve been hit with a love spell. You want to keep kissing his mouth, tell him that he has nothing to worry about when you’re with him. That you’ll do anything he asks.

Your prince whines and the sound has you going insane. 

You want more. 

You’ve gotten so addicted easily that your mind is insatiable. 

It doesn’t matter that the room is left unlocked, no one is going to keep your hands off him. 

“Hah—God!” He breathes enticingly. His mind is so hazy, so weak at how his heart is pounding each second.

You take off his coat, the clothing echoes as it falls down on the floor. His blouse is silk and you swear you can see the way his chest is lined underneath the white cloth.

Your fingers rubbed his hardened nipples and his entire body shivers. He holds onto your shoulders for support, the aroused moan that escapes his throat is just enough for you to keep doing it, and so you do.

“W-Wait! I-I’ll—” He pushes you for a moment, to take a breath as he slowly composes himself.

You watch him impatiently. You can see how his cock twitches from his tight pants, the wet spot in the center, and his dick dripping from precum as the white liquid seeps through it.

You keep your hands inside your pocket. Despite how your pants are perfectly fitted for you, your cock is begging for warmth, specifically from the blonde stranger in front of you.

He then nods.

“I’m okay…we can continue.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t have any—”

“I can take it. It’s fine.” He says as if he’s in a hurry. You’re not sure if it's just because he’s needy or if it’s something else.

You still indulge in his wants, however.

You’ll have to make do with his own fluids although you really don’t want to do anything that’ll hurt him.

Your fingers steadily prepare his walls and you’re trying your best to not be greedy. His needs first, more than anything.

He’s so damn tight, not that you need to worry much as the sounds he’s making are signaling everything but pain.

He’s so soft and so perfect that you’re starting to get jealous of even your own fingers.

“Are you..?”

He nods, and desire fills his eyes. It looks like you’re not the only one getting impatient.

When you finally feel his insides with your cock, the expectations you had were completely blown out of the water. Your hands find their way to his waist and it’s perfect.

The first thrust is enough to send you to heaven. 

“Keep going.” He pleads.

You continue to pound into him, enjoying how each one brings out a soft mewl from the blonde.

His cock is dripping white on the floor, and the carpet gets soaked. You know you need to get that replaced but instead, you want to keep the stain there, as if some kind of trophy.

And while you stir up his insides, a familiar noise bothers your ears.

You don’t let it even phase you, enjoying the pleasure that’s eating you up.

However, your prince decides otherwise.

“H-Hold on! What was that—”

“Just the clock. You don’t need to bother yourself with it.”

A groan escapes your throat, feeling how he tenses up all of the sudden.

“Is it twelve?” He asks.

“N-No, but it’s close. Five more minutes.”

“I need to go.” He says.

No way was he leaving you like this.

“What?”

“I’m so sorry, but I—” His words are cut off by his moaning.

The way you fill him up has him salivating. You didn’t even move but god, his walls clenching on you are betraying his choices right now.

“T-Three minutes.” He whimpers out.

“Thank you, love.”

Your fingers feel up his cock, stroking it up and down while still continuing to pound ruthlessly. He continues to scream out, his mind too overwhelmed from getting his ass and cock ravaged at the same time.

His legs quiver and you have to hold him still. You’re both close and you’ll make sure to have him finish in time at least.

“F-Fuck!” He sobs.

And the worries in your head disappear, cumming inside his walls as he splatters more onto the carpet.

You sigh, your chest thumping as you stand there with your clothes a mess.

He quickly slides off you, trembling but still hastily moving as if the adrenaline has gotten into his head.

“I-I’m so sorry, I’ll try to get in contact with you again. I swear!” He stammers out before fixing his clothes, nearing the doorway.

“Don’t go through the balcony! There’s an exit to the right of this room!” You say, helping him out despite your wishes to keep him here.

“Thanks!” He shouts back.

You swipe the sweat on your forehead, zipping your pants back on.

The clock chimes as it signals it’s midnight. What a fucking way to end the night.

You hear rushed steps from the hallway.

Your attention turns to the door. Did he come back?

Your disappointment is immeasurable when you find out it’s just your advisor.

“Your highness! I’ve been looking everywhere, you’re late for your speech—Oh my god, what did you—No, who did you?!” She looks disappointed.

You look down. Ah, right.

Who?

Oh fuck, you never got his name. 

“I didn’t ask. Oh no.” The realization slowly sets in.

“Excuse me?!” Your advisor answers offended by your words. You can tell how stressed she’s been, her teal hair in a mess.

“I’ll be right there. Let me clean up first, Ma’am”

“I’ll get everyone distracted. Jeez, young ones these days!” She says before rushing away.

The urge to punch the wall in front of you right now is high.

You look at the floor and notice the coat on the floor.

It smells just like him.

You lay your head on the cold table, mind filled with everything but your duties. The only thing that’s engraved in there is nothing but the sweet prince you met a while ago.

But no matter how many times you’ve gone through portraits of different royal families, even going through the nobles, you’re not met with a match.

“Your Highness. I see you’ve been distracted again.”

“Madame Faruzan, I cannot do this anymore.” You tell her wholeheartedly.

Your advisor rolls her eyes.

“Right after I caught you and that whole mess, you should be working.”

“He’s a great guy! He’s skilled with his hands.” You argue with her.

“I do not need to hear what he did with you.”

“That’s not what I meant! He’s an architect, he’s good! I’ve heard how he works, I’ll vouch for him.”

“You’re biased. Something that a ruler should not have. I told you this when you were younger.” She warns you.

It seems that she won’t hear you out no matter how hard you try. 

“I really cannot focus.” You say. 

It’s the truth. You’ve been sleeping with that coat for weeks, along with other things. As if it’s actually him to begin with.

“If he’s such a great architect, then why don’t you work with that?”

An idea enters your head.

“Ma’am, you’re a genius.”

“Of course.” She says confidently with a smile.

She shakes the compliment off, lord knows she's the smartest person you’ve ever met.

“So? What’s your verdict?” She asks.

A day after, a letter was sent out to the people of your kingdom.

Needless to say, everyone was freaking out.

“Goodness, that’s a big deal. Isn’t it?”

“Right! That’s a big opportunity.” 

The entire market was in an uproar as Kaveh shops for his family. He couldn’t care any, especially not with the consequences he faced from being caught out late in the night. They never knew that he went to the party, but he’s sure his snarky scholar of a step-sibling knows.

“Oh, Kaveh.” A friendly face greets him.

“Miss Nilou.”

She smiles at him, 

“Are you participating?”

The confused face of Kaveh is enough for Nilou to shake the soul out of him.

“You have to! Their highness is currently looking for an architect to turn the whole castle into something new!” 

Kaveh’s eyes widen. “…Actually?”

“Yes! Oh, you have to hurry! It’s only up till today!” She brings it up, and Kaveh rushes home as fast as he can.

It’s almost like a dream come true.

First, that little green fairy that gave him the opportunity to attend the party in the first place. Then, that person he met at the said party who he flushes at every time he thinks of them. And now, this?

He almost tears the whole place down from searching for his plates. 

Kaveh compiles it in an envelope. He feels rewarded as if everything that he’s gone through has finally led up to something.

“Fuck! Where is it?” He’s missing a folder. 

Technically, what he’s giving is already more of what was asked for. Still, the perfectionist in him cannot stand to not have everything in its place, especially not with the opportunity that he was presented with.

A knock comes from his door and he flinches, his family cannot know about this. They’ll get rid of it again.

“It’s just me.” He relaxes, rolling his eyes before turning back.

“Asshole,” Kaveh says.

“After I saw your folder in the living room and kept it? Alright, I’ll guess I’ll throw it out.” Al-Haitham replies sarcastically.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I kept it for a reason. I wouldn’t throw it out now.” Kaveh forcefully takes out the folder and shoves it into his envelope.

He wants to say thanks, but his pride is too high for that.

“Be home before your curfew, I won’t cover for you.” Al-Haitham says.

Kaveh knows that he will despite the annoying tone that he’s using.

He runs to the front of the castle as fast as he can, his legs were not made out for this kind of journey. Still, he won’t give up.

He reaches the gates luckily, just an hour before the deadline.

Now, all he had to do was wait.

“We got a lot of submissions…and most of them are barely even considered actual pieces. I mean, look at this. Who would turn a castle into a teapot?” Faruzan complains, searching through the different envelopes.

You take a look at the amount and you couldn’t help but agree more. It’s absurd.

“Everyone who’s a licensed architect can be thrown away.” You ordered.

“Did I hear that correctly?” She eyes you as if you’re crazy.

You are.

“It’s fine, I have faith in him.”

After that, the submissions are lessened quite easily. While there were some that had fit up to the standards, they weren’t simply what you were looking for.

You remember every single thing he said, if you could just match that up with an envelope then you’ll be fine.

“We have two left.” Your advisor states.

Two names in front of you. One was named ‘Albedo’ and the other one was named ‘Kaveh’. You hesitate to open, the anxiety that he never heard of this competition or that you have sorted away his piece is eating you.

Your advisor notices this and gives one of her very rare encouragement.

“You said you have faith.”

You sigh, trying to calm down.

“I do.” You say it just loud enough to believe it.

You and Faruzan both take one, opening them at the same time.

Your hands shake as you do. 

This ‘Albedo’ is good. God, it’s gorgeous. Though what he’s sent out are more artistic than they are architectural, you can see the vision that he’s presenting, it’s something you think your mystery man would find great fun studying.

You literally cannot do this.

You only had one chance left.

It’s this or nothing.

Faruzan holds your hand while you go through his envelope. It’s breathtaking, it’s almost as what you imagined that time Kaveh was talking to you were right here, laid out perfectly.

“Kaveh.” The name sounds so sweet on your tongue.

Finally.

You dress up in a nice outfit, sitting on the carriage’s seat, trying your best not to scream. You could have gotten the wrong person, but you’re sure that this Kaveh is him.

You’re not accompanied by anyone except your coachman. You’ve asked him “if you’re there yet” about five times.

You bury your face in your hands. This is fine, you’ll be fine.

You almost smack your head face-first on the seat when the carriage comes to a stop without any warning.

The door opens for you.

You hear the gossiping of the people around you and you give them that perfect smile you’ve been taught to do even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

There’s a person by the door. One who’s certainly not the one you met at the party.

“Hello.” You greet.

“Your highness.” He replies, bowing his head.

There is an awkward silence between the two of you. It is clear that neither of you likes talking.

“I’m looking for—”

“Kaveh, I presume?”

You nod nervously.

He opens the door and shouts, an annoyed response can be heard from the outside.

Everything’s fine, you rule this kingdom. If it’s another person, you can just bomb the whole place away!

The joking in your head does not make it any better.

“I swear this better be important, I was busy—” He stops talking as soon as he meets with your eyes.

There’s a flushed look on his face that matches yours.

“Oh. It’s you…”

There come the gasps from around you.

“He did not just call them that.”

“How disrespectful!”

“Right?!”

You cough, unsure how to state why you’re here. You just hand him the contract.

He shakes as he reads it. 

“What…?”

“I told you that I’ll build you a castle.” You remind him.

Kaveh remembers and you can see everything click right in his face. He’s very expressive, not that you were a stranger to that.

“Y-Your Highness.” He stutters.

You wonder if it’s appropriate to go down on your knee.

Fuck it. You can have Madame Faruzan reprimand you later.

The people watching scream in shock as you go down on one knee.

“Now that we have that out of the way…Will you do me the honor of ruling by your side?”

Please say yes, please say yes, please say—

“What?!” Kaveh yells at you. 

“G-Get up! Oh my god, your highness!” He tells you.

“I’m not standing up unless you say yes.”

The man you talked to previously whistles before heading inside the house. Kaveh glares at him, he did just not leave him in a situation like this.

“I’m serious, Kaveh.”

“You’re crazy.” He says.

“I know.” You look up to him hopefully.

He’s so red, it’s almost painful to look at. Not that you were any different from his case.

“I—Alright! Yes! So stand up already, your cape is getting dirty and everyone’s looking so—”

You pull Kaveh down by his collar, drowning in his sweet familiar lips.

You pull Kaveh down by his collar, drowning in his sweet familiar lips.

[lazywitchling]

“So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate?”

(Yes I did just order a pot pie from the chicken fast food place. I’m watching 12 hours of movies, I ain’t cooking a whole pot pie!)

Okay. Look.

When I was younger, my cousin bitched about elves at Helm’s Deep not being in the book, but I didn’t think it mattered because it’s cool and I liked elves and it made me the fun kind of sad when Haldir died.

But now I get why. (I mean, ultimately it’s a fictional story so it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of life, blah blah, you get the drill. I will complain about this, but I don’t care if you like it, ya dig?)

So here’s the thing. Theoden’s whole storyline throughout this movie and into the next is that he does not believe anyone will help him. Gondor could have come to save his people, but they didn’t. Rohan was left on its own, and people died, and that sucks. So Theoden has succumbed to the depressive thoughts of “We’re all gonna die anyway, why bother fighting?” (Hey that’s a major— actually THE major point of this whole story!!) He has hidden his people away to hide because he knows fighting is futile because they will be alone.

It’s a big deal when he agrees to go out and fight alongside Aragorn as the Uruks are about to overwhelm the keep. I said last year, Tolkien’s brand of hope is the difference between “I only have one hit point left :(“ and “I still have one hit point left >:)” Theoden STILL has no reason to believe help is coming, but he chooses to act like it is anyway, because the alternative is just curling up and dying right there. And he is rewarded, because Gandalf shows up with reinforcements!! Eomer, who has every reason to hate Theoden, brought all the riders to help! Everyone is saved! Hooray!!

But the damn elves show up in the middle of Theoden’s “Aw nobody will help us :(“ thing. And then elf help arrives. And he goes “Yay, help is here!!” And then nobody really mentions the elves again except for Haldir’s brief dying scene, and Theoden is right back in his “Aw nobody will help us :(“ thing. It just slaughters the pacing of the story, and Theoden’s arc along with it.

Furthermore, the elves say they were sent by Elrond, who has chosen to have the elves fight alongside mortals once again to honor old alliances! Except that Elrond isn’t really participating in this portion of his own character arc, and in fact doesn’t reach that “idk maybe mortals aren’t so bad after all” point until RotK. So it’s somehow fully out of character for him at this point even though he’s not even there.

ADDITIONALLY, it fucks up ARWEN’S story, because the whole thing with her is that she has to choose between sailing to the undying lands and being with her people forever but losing Aragorn, or staying with Aragorn who will eventually die and then she has no one left and no way to get to the undying lands and will never see her family again and will just live until the heat death of the universe. See, I’m pretty sure (don’t quote me on this) that there’s like… a respawn thing that happens with Tolkiens elves. They’re not only ageless, they’re unkillable. They CANT die. That’s why Arwen’s choice is so difficult. She couldn’t even live out life with him and then jump off a bridge after he dies so she doesn’t have to see the heat death of the universe. She’s literally stuck.

But friggin Haldir takes a sword to the head and has a sad death moment, and then I’m left wondering why everyone is pestering Arwen so much. If elves can die, then she has no problem.

I’m pretty sure it messes up other storylines too, but my pot pie is getting cold.

[spruzu]

What i love about this specific moment in sonic prime s3 epi4 is that it shows sonic really does know what hes done and is fully aware that half of the things that have happened are HIS fault. In this part he thinks that this is also his fault all because he couldnt run fast enough to save them and this leads to him thinking about everything hes done for all of this to happen.

Then Knucks tries to change his mind, knucks knows full well that sonic has done somethings that caused all of this to happen but he wants sonic to be ok, to be able to fight. But he also wants sonic to believe that just because he couldnt run fast enough doesnt meant that its his fault tails and mangey are 'dead' and thats something he believes himself.

Then sonic goes on to disagree with knucks. He knows that knucks and rebel think that all of this was his fault but he also genuinely thinks that tails and mangey being gone is all his fault, no matter what someone says even if they have a good point. He doesnt see that knucks and rebel believe that tails and mangey is his fault because in the moment all he can think about his everything he's done to get himself and everybody else in this situation.

And then this part he knows that if he had NEVER touched the prism in the first place knucks, rebel, nine and everybody else wouldnt even be alive. He knows it's his fault they had such horrible lives and he's the fault of that and it really does hit him hard. Sonic's normally the kind of guy (well hedgehog) to shrug this kind of stuff of but all of the things that have happened in the past few days for him must have been sitting on top of him like a pile of boulders and must have finally squashed him.

But when Dr. Deep comes in he doesnt even care about the condition Sonic's in. All he wants to do is fight Nine and the reason for that is because he wants what i guess you could call revenge on Nine because it's 'All Sonic's fault'. He wants to fight because of Sonic and he wants Sonic to know that. Pretty much, Dr. Deep isn't a good comforter despite his yoga and blah blah blah. (I had more to say here but i cant put it into words)

AND HERE, IT BREAKS MY HEART. Sonics face SHOWS the realisation of everything hitting him at once. The prism fight in the cave at the start, his first experience with New Yoke and remembering what happened when he was about to touch the shard but then completely pushing it down as he went into Boscage Maze. He goes onto himself and flicks through everything that has happened and fully realises that even if he had help fix the problems, they all started because of HIM. And the three arguing in the back but then Sonic blocking them out also shows that he really is thinking about everything and that it really affects his mood in a negative way.

Then it all comes crashing down on his even more as he tries not to cry and wipes away the tears, not wanting to seem weak and just wanting to show that he's strong. Sonic wants everyone to think that he's this big strong hedgehog and that he doesn't cry or get overwhelmed by the things that happen in his life and this shows that. He cracks but he doesn't want the other to see. As he stands up after wiping away his tears he goes to immediate masking and trying to show that he's 'angry' and has an idea to defeat Nine. The others never saw sonics sadness and breaking so they never know that this really hits him hard but this really does show his character development and how we all actually thought he was this strong character that didn't get affected by anything but he clearly does here and in most of all of season 3.

Also if u read all of this thank you <3 im a rambler and i probably kept repeating myself but i wanted to post all of this because i was re-watching sonic prime and it came across me so yeah. imma stop yapping now :)

[xanadontit]

Lots o' rambling ahead, proceed at your own risk!

My brother has applied to various universities and heard back from a few (all acceptances so far! smarty!) and now it's more waiting and eventually some decisions to make. It's exciting! It's also hella stressful for these kids. He confided to my stepmom that he feels like the choices he makes will set the course for his entire life and he's terrified. Factor in all the newness of the entire venture and he's overwhelmed.

My stepmom shared with me that she's a little disappointed that he isn't being more adventurous i.e. going "away-away" to school. She wants him to branch out and live outside of California blah blah. And look, the kid has lived in the same house his entire life and is still best friends with guys he met in preschool. Even if he moves to San Jose that alone is a bigger change than he's ever experienced thus far. Plus, he has his entire life to live all over the world. He might transfer or do study abroad, or get a job who-knows-where. Also a little ironic that when he expressed interest in an out-of-state school, my parents sat him down and crunched the numbers and it was pretty fucking terrifying! So now it's bad that the kid is being practical? Jesus Christ.

I told E about all this and we both remembered feeling the same way at his age: like one misstep meant a life of misery and loneliness lol. If anything, digging in and doubling down on a decision screwed me over more than changing course. I'm also worried about my brother's mental health; I see a bit of myself in him and don't want him to struggle more than necessary. Not in a "must protect at all costs and bubble wrap him from the world" but just like... see a therapist, dude. If you need to take a semester off, do it. There's no prize for feeling like shit!

E asked if we should suggest a hang and talk to the kid and share our experiences. E didn't have quite the mental health struggles I did but also didn't have a lot of family support and wants to be there for him. And I think a chill, general chat isn't the worst thing, but we have to pick our moment for sure. It'll be a series of conversations and check-ins, probably.

Wow, helping your parents raise a child sure is hard work.

[lottiecrabie]

I'm going to share with you one of my bedtime scenarios ☁️✨ (this isn't like a request or anything, I'm just sharing my fantasies because we're all besties here)

but basically the main girl (it's not even based on moi or anyone really which is weird I know) is basically like awkward but not in that annoying quirky way. basically just someone who's not very good at being social unless comfortable. she's bland and pretty much like the other girls. sounds rude but I'm getting somewhere with this lol she's self aware and she knows that she's a bit boring and it would be okay if she was happy with it but she feels like her life is a bit boring and there's something missing. she's not a good girl but she's also not slutty - again she's bland. she has had like one or two serious relationships and although she has done stuff, she has never let any man fuck her. and she's not necessarily waiting for the right guy or something like that, she just doesn't want to regret it. and men are pigs so y'know. she's also not too worried about it simply because society makes such a big deal out of it that I want my girl to not care. and also because her past experiences weren't bad but they also weren't great. she didn't experience that bliss that everyone seems to experience which made her sort of not care too much about sex (I just love the whole "Matty just does it better than every other guy" so much lol) after stumbling upon a particular filthy post on Tumblr or Twitter, she becomes interested in bdsm and all that (nothing too hardcore).

blah blah blah

after researching for months she finally decides to stop being a coward and go to one of those private sex clubs (and this may or may not be based on a particular irl club lmao don't judge me). and basically they give you a bracelet with a specific colours and beads and they have meanings. her bracelet was white because it was her first time there (like karate 😭). her bracelet beads code for: virgin (no one's obligated to disclose that information, of course, but they encourage you to do it because (a) it's a sex club, no one's allowed to judge and (b) it's supposed to provide a layer of safety but what actually happens is that it attracts a lot of creeps and people only make the mistake of adding this bead to their bracelet once), inexperienced (when it comes to bdsm and that environment in general), switch (she's a sub but she is still in that "idkkk" phase) and open to meet people (some people are like "claimed" by someone else, only do scenes with one person, want to pursue instead of being pursued, or they just don't feel like socializing or whatever).

while she's taking care of the bracelet and all that with the front desk people, Matty is ordering a drink and he's been a regular for a while now so there is a level of familiarity with the bartender. Matty is 34 here and he just doesn't see the fun in this anymore. not even in a "I wanna settle down" type of way. he's had relationships and if they are into it, okay. if they aren't into it, also okay. he never had commitment issues, just hasn't met the right person I guess. anyway he just misses having a connection with someone. the bartender knows it and they talk for a while (how's the audience aka me supposed to know if they don't talk lmao) and then one of the girls Matty does some scenes with sometimes shows up and they go somewhere.

later, the main gal goes to the bar and orders like a soda or something without alcohol. doesn't matter. the bartender is super nice, you can tell that he enjoys his job and talking to people. so he immediately notices that she's getting attention because of her bracelet and tells her it was a mistake. it's not a lot of attention but it's starting to overwhelm her and making her feel weird. she's not the kind of girl people usually notice. so she leaves that area and tries to find a quiet place.

while she's roaming around the place she finds this area with normal hotel-like rooms but the walls are glass and you can see everything that's happening inside the rooms and that's the whole point - it's for people to watch. and again it's a bit overwhelming because there's too much going on at the same time: not only the people inside the rooms having not so vanilla sex but also the people outside. so she sort of takes a step back and she notices one room in particular: the room where Matty and the other girl were in. in my head, Matty isn't the kind of guy to like fuck the girls he plays with especially during a scene that involves voyeurism. I think unless he has an established/consistent connection with someone, he sticks to playing with the girls he casually does scenes with and he enjoys seeing them enjoying themselves so yeah. but idk, depends a bit on my mood tbh. the thing is that basically what the main girl sees is this really hot guy focusing on the girl (rare sadly) and as always more guys tend to go to these places than girls so the audience consists mostly of guys who are focusing on the girl and even the girls there are focused on the girl because Matty's doing stuff to her so makes sense. but she can't take her eyes off of him and he's good at what he does so he's just focusing on the girl and not on what's happening outside the room but when they are done he turns around and sees the girl looking at him with a bit of a dumb look on her face and he's intrigued because she looks so shy and surprised but how can she be when she dragged herself to that place. it's a bit paradoxical and I'm gonna shut up now lol goodnight

HELLO??? this was a whole ass blurb like there was characterization there were scenes there was exposition for the audience (you)😭 i love it why was it literally a bedtime story To Me. kicking my feet while i’m reading

so what happens next anon😁😁

[cobalt-axolotl]

Copypasta hours but you mean something to me:

🌈💖✨Send this to the twelve nicest people you know or seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome 😎💜💚💙🩷

Ok I’ll give you a copy pasta then

"Hello, hello? Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you. I'm finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact. So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about. Uh, you'll do fine. So, let's just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay?

Uh, let's see, first there's an introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read. Uh, it's kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, "Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. A magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life. Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred, a missing person report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced."

Blah blah blah, now that might sound bad, I know, but there's really nothing to worry about. Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No. If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I'd probably be a bit irritable at night too. So, remember, these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children and we need to show them a little respect, right? Okay.

So, just be aware, the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uh, they're left in some kind of free roaming mode at night. Uh...Something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long. Uh, they used to be allowed to walk around during the day too. But then there was The Bite of '87. Yeah. I-It's amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know? Uh, now concerning your safety, the only real risk to you as a night watchman here, if any, is the fact that these characters, uh, if they happen to see you after hours probably won't recognize you as a person. They'll p-most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now since that's against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, they'll probably try to...forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit. Um, now, that wouldn't be so bad if the suits themselves weren't filled with crossbeams, wires, and animatronic devices, especially around the facial area. So, you could imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort...and death. Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth when they pop out the front of the mask, heh.

Y-Yeah, they don't tell you these things when you sign up. But hey, first day should be a breeze. I'll chat with you tomorrow. Uh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power. Alright, good night."

[kierreras]

Hi! I want to start by telling that I'm not Conrad girlie nor Jeremiah girlie (I'm actually Staylor girlie lol), so I'm sorry if this question sounds out of place to ask, but I really only follow a few blogs here. I haven't read the books, but going through tag I see that every Jelly fan is talking about cheating being OOC for Jeremiah and I really can't imaging that situation without context, do you have any thoughts about this? And thank you for your wonderful arts! I enjoyed them very much, and also I love that you're staying neutral when discussing Jelly ship because going through different tags I can see girlies shitting on other girlies which Is so toxic actually

hiiii, it's great to see another staylor girlie here! so as for cheating, while jeremiah physically cheated, belly cheated emotionally. and i think that their relationship was doomed from the beginning because, realistically speaking, jumping from one relationship to another is a very unhealthy move. so them starting something when they both clearly knew that belly is not fully over conrad was not a right thing to do, it wasn't fair to jeremiah in the first place. and as for context, belly and jeremiah already had their issues before cheating happened. he became kind of a lazy one in that relationship, he was living his frat boy life and wasn't paying much attention to belly's needs. but also this season proved that belly's such an unreliable narrator, so i really don't think anyone and even jenny han could tell if that was true or if that was true to belly only. anyway, yeah, i think that this laziness is a pretty common issue for couples who are together since high school. i'm not saying that him not paying enough attention is right, i'm saying that it could happen with any couple. and i really don't remember the reason why belly and jeremiah broke up before he cheated, but it doesn't matter actually because cheating is cheating. "but they were broken up blah blah blah" — those are some excuses that i don't even want to comment on. so yeah, jeremiah sleeps with another girl when he's away, comes back, him and belly make up and they become a couple again. imo if they got together after cheating and "break up" he should've told her right away about what happened. end of the story here. so i guess that's everything on that from me. ooc or not, that's canon, so we gotta work with what we have. aw, thank you so much for your kind words about my work, you're so sweet 🤍 and thank you for reaching out, i get that sometimes being in the fandom could be overwhelming, but don't worry, not everyone here is threatening other people with therapy because they ship another couple

[redwineconversation]

Australia - Ireland Postgame Thoughts

Blah blah not doing this for every game, I feel like I am going to DIE I am so tired so idk how those who are chronically online manage to do this on a daily basis, etc etc. Pls send Red Bull or Starbucks, I need it so badly.

I still don't think that Australia is going to win and I have reservations that they will go deep, but they won the first game at home in front of a pretty big crowd. It's not that I thought nerves would get to them, but I wasn't exactly sure how they would handle the nerves either, if that makes sense.

What I wasn't concerned about was them handling Ireland's physicality. It's interesting to me because I don't think that Australia is "physical" in the traditional footballing sense of the term, more that they are athletic. But because of the athleticism they were able to cope with McCabe's traditional definition of defending.

For me, McCabe is the ultimate "what if" player. She's good, she's talented, I like her left foot. I am more than happy to acknowledge all of that. But holy crap does she lack structure / self-control, and I wish she would find herself in a team where reckless fouls had consequences rather than be encouraged. One of these days McCabe is going to cause an extremely severe injury to another player. When it happens, Arsenal fans will hand wave it away, saying that McCabe is "not that kind of player" and that she "didn't mean it." (second part I will probably concede)

I don't think McCabe actually wants to severely injure another player. At least, I hope she doesn't want to. But I also think it's only a matter of time before she will, because these reckless tackles are done intentionally. It's done with the intent to foul, to show that neither she or her team will be bullied. I'm fine with a team wanting to prove they are top dog. I'm less fine with it if the only way to do it is dirty fouls.

Steph Catley is under-rated. Her penalty was really well taken, excluding the last 10 minutes or so she managed to keep her team's composure under control pretty well, and she didn't let the occasion overwhelm her. I'm rapidly developing a soft spot for her but only as long as she plays for Australia.

Vine and Cooney-Cross are two of the younger players I really, really like. I do think they will be snatched up by bigger European teams if not this summer then by the end of next season for sure. They're fun to watch in that they're, well, quiet, just keep their head down and do their job.

One day Carpenter will cross accurately and I will finally know peace. Her finishing is something that definitely needs work. The plus side is she is young and it will happen - especially because she is working on it at both club and national team level. It's nice knowing she has room to grow, it's frustrating that there are growing pains. Overall I don't think her game was much to write home about in that she too just did her job without having to do anything flashy. I'd rather not notice my defenders because if you do then it means something is going wrong. The heat mat shows her exactly where she should be - defending on the lower right side of the field. So I guess it's a give and take: yes I would rather her crosses weren't on a "lob it into the box and hope for the best" level, but she also was defending a fair amount this game, which is kind of her job.

There's a dig to be made about the McCabe - Littlejohn - Foord drama but realistically I don't think it impacted the outcome of the game that much so it is what it is I guess.

Obvious penalty, dumb act to concede it. Not sure why people were up in arms about it when Raso was already getting fouled probably more than anyone (is there an actual tally? I got that impression during the game but it was also 3am and I was regretting my life choices). Shoving someone in the back in the box will always result in a penalty, particularly when they end up going to ground because of it, so yeah. Not sure why there were complaints about it. Raso didn't even dive.

Finally, just want to say thank you for New Zealand for delivering on #UpsetsWelcome from the very first game. I'd say I don't think there should be any surprises in tomorrow's games but I'd also have put real money that we would never see Hegerberg questioning her life choices while ending up as Norway's LB, so I guess never say never.

[aroace-poly-show]

bit of a vent don’t mind me im just. tired.

lol but my relationship with my mom is funny bc on one hand yeah i love her and she loves me and nothings really all that bad but on the other hand,,kind sucks that i’m never really gonna fit her idea of her “ideal heterosexual cisgender jesus-loving daughter who gets married to a nice christian man and gives her grandkids” and she’s never gonna give up on “leading me on the right path” (pressuring me and never respecting the decisions i’ve made for myself so i don’t want to. yknow fucking die) so i can get to heaven and be truly happy and blah blah blah all that.

like. i’m never going to be living my best life in her eyes. i don’t think i’ll ever be her child that she can proudly say “yes, my child lives a wonderful and happy life. i am proud of them.” i’m always going to need to “be saved from my life of sin” in her eyes. i’m like. never going to be happy in the way she wants me to be. there’s always gonna be something wrong with me. i’m always gonna be her good kid that’s just lost and confused and needs some guidance and correcting from the lord. guidance and correction as in i need to be shown that actually i’m not trans or aroace or agender or non binary or gay or part of the lgbtabcd community or whatever the fuck my identity becomes, that i’ve just been led into a life of sin and unhappiness and need to be saved.

like. yknow i’d appreciate. some acceptance. a little support would be nice…

and also not having an unbelievably overwhelming fear/anxiety of god and dying and armageddon and not having religious trauma would be pretty sweet too but i guess we can’t have everything in life :/

[thefaultinoursprinkles]

I like. I need to process everything that’s been going on and I need to talk about how I’m feeling to be able to do that but I don’t.. want to I guess. I don’t want to bother people with my issues and I feel silly talking about how I feel. So then I think that I should go back to therapy so I have someone to talk to but I honestly really don’t want to unless it’s someone with a PhD because at this point I have as much education and training as a “mental health practitioner” and I’m about 2 years of internships away from an “LMFT” or other “licensed therapist”.

and that’s the other thing like, I’ve been in therapy for a long time, I’m a psych major, I did DBT, I feel like I’ve gotten everything I can out of “therapy” basically. So then like pursuing therapy just to talk through my emotions feels stupid and like a pointless waste of money to me. But then I go back and forth like would it actually help? Am I avoiding this out of shame or not wanting to damage my pride? Or as a form of self harm? Or do i genuinely think I won’t get anything out of it? Idk.

a big part of it too is that a lot of the stressors like with money and stuff are temporary and therapy isn’t going to help them. Like not to talk highly of myself but I’m pretty self actualized and the majority of my problems/stressors stem from external factors like not having enough money or my fiancee trying to kill themselves or close friends dying or work being stressful, which like therapy isn’t exactly going to solve any of those problems. It’s just supposed to teach you the skills to deal with those kind of things or change them or tolerate them which like. I already have. So again, pointless.

Even then, the problems i do have outside of external stuff are ones that I’m pretty confident cannot be treated through therapy. Like I really think a lot of my issues stem from unmediated adhd, and like I have skills that I use and I have work arounds and hacks and whatever else that are supposed to help me manage it better but it doesn’t work. like I take the notes and I track the things and I put trash cans everywhere and have other people remind me of stuff like. I can get by. but every fucking day of my life I am so overwhelmed by everything at work and at home and in relationships and I feel guilty and embarrassed that I can’t do the things that should be so easy.

Like every few days to every few weeks I find myself exasperated and thinking “WHY CANT I JUST DO IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. THIS IS SO SIMPLE. WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME” and like on some level I know it’s because I have symptoms syndrome and it affects me but I feel like there’s nothing to do.

like I’m doing all the stuff I’m supposed to do, I’m doing all the stuff that therapists and counselors have told me to do and I’m doing all the stuff that is recommended in the DSM V and I stay up to date on the current research in the causes, management, and treatment of specifically adhd but also generally all psych topics because I’m just genuinely interested in them so I read peer reviewed journals for fun.

And there are some things like. Idk exercise. And I’m like oh I should exercise then I’m like well not “should” but I want to exercise because I know it makes me feel better and it’s been proven to help with focus and clarity as well as alleviate symptoms of depression. And then I find myself being like “I can’t I can’t I can’t” so they I think about it. Why can’t I? And it’s like well, I don’t have enough time, I’m always tired, blah blah blah. And I think really the root is that I don’t want to spend “my” time doing something I don’t like doing and I don’t have any way to do the exercises I actually like (like biking or swimming).

So then I get back around to like okay we’ll I’m not actually doing EVERYTHING I can I’m not exercising or watching my diet, I could be doing more. So then I try to plan out time to do it and I set reminders and then I fail and fail and fail and fail and give up.

And it’s like what is therapy going to do? I know they’re gonna tell me to sleep and eat and exercise and be mindful. I know I need to do those things and I want to do those things but I CANT and I don’t know WHY.

AND THEN I loop back around to like what the fuck is wrong with me I know I need to do these things I want to fucking do these things I LIKE doing these things SO WHY CANT I JUST DO IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and it starts all over.

And how do you explain that to someone? I’m objectively successful. I’m well educated. I have a high paying job. I don’t get into extreme legal or financial trouble. I have lots of very supportive and close friends and family. I don’t have the “right” things wrong with me to have people understand or recognize the struggle going on behind the scenes to do any of it. Like I know what to do, I do most of it, and it’s, by all accounts but mine, working well because I’m able to live independently and maintain relationships and hold a job and even get promoted at said job. So to any therapist I talk to it’s like. “Why are you here?” And I have to explain like yes I know I’m making it work I’m doing impressive things but I’m DYING I’m constantly stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and on the brink of a panic attack. I spend hours of my day staring at wall screaming inside my head about all the stuff I have to do but unable to do it. I’m smart enough to be really good at doing what I need to do to get by or knowing where to focus my efforts but I constantly feel like I’m in an out of control car spinning out with no brakes.

and I feel so stuck because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think there’s anything else I can realistically do to have a better handle on things, this is just the reality. Like I feel like I just need to accept that this is how it’s going to be and this is how it’s going to feel because I truly do not think there is anything that could possibly help me get out of this internal mess.

and of course, then I start thinking like, that’s pretty defeatist, am I giving up before I even try? So then I feel like, even more than before, i just need to try harder and do better and get further because it’s my own lazy ridiculous fault that im in this position in the first place.

[aeterna-auroral-avenger]

tb i wanna ask you a personal question.

you know all about the changes im making in my life since we're pretty good friends and all, but i want your take on cutting off toxic family members/parents? like have you ever had to do that for yourself? and how did it make you feel? i just recently cut off my mother and it has me feeling some time of way. like its weird suddenly not having her in my life? not hearing her voice every week? idk how shes doing or handling it or even realize thats what i did. i just blocked her. i couldnt do it anymore.

and its funny how since i cut off my immediate family(mom dad sister) i have been talking to my aunts a lot more. like theyre the ones were in my corner the whole time and have been supporting me since i moved(even getting my own studio too in the spring before coming to illinois). like theyre not like the fake support like i was getting from my mom you know? if that makes any sense? like she says shes in my corner and doesnt care that im gay, blah blah blah, but like deep down i knew she wasnt, and she was doing more harm than good.

so like. its just weird. this is the longest i ever gone without talking to my mom(been about a week now). she would like text and calm every few days and it was just exhausting and overwhelming. i had to take a break. i guess i cant help but to feel a bit guilty with how i went about it? but the last few calls we had all she did was hurt my feelings and make me feel bad about myself. like when i told her i was nonbinary. she basically laughed in my face and showed no respect for it. that was the final straw for me.

its just hard bc shes always said she supports me but when her actions say the opposite? its hard to trust her you know? i thought maybe one of your followers might have a take on this or something idk.

Hey friend,

So I’ve never had to cut off a family member like you have, so I can’t speak from personal experience on this matter.

But maybe I can still help you gain some perspective. Even though this is a good thing you’ve done for yourself, there’s a part of you that needs to grieve this loss. These people have been a part of your life for years, and then suddenly they’re not? It’s a big change, and it’s a gap in life that you’re grieving over. But that’s okay because grieving is part of the coping process to help you move forward. You grieve and then you can let go.

I’m glad you’ve been strengthening your relationships with your aunts at least. I’m sure that’s been helping you a lot during this time of your life :)

If anyone reading this has any constructive thoughts or suggestions on the matter, feel free to share!

[izzysarchivedblogs]

ACTUALLY HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT AS HE WHEELS HIMSELF IN.

Suddenly everything built up in his head about this was, about the kind of people he'd see was all false. Actually he can't even think of the image he had anymore, he was anxious which Clint had never been an anxious person, not outwardly and not so feeling it.

Sure, he got overwhelmed and scared of split seconds in the moments when he remembers that he was a mortal human guy with just a bow and some fancy arrows he made going up things beyond comprehension of their true power. Has watched villains slay people down with more ease than it took to pull a two-hundred and fifty weighted bow. Something of which he did with great ease. He only gave him himself three seconds to feel that anxiety before he had to rush in.

Yet being here, in a room full of people of different walks of life, he felt anxious. Actually anxiety, like panic attack worthy feelings that he knows Kate's talked to him about her own anxieties and panic attacks. TINGLE IN THE FINGERS AND CHEST. It's casual for some, for most it seems tonight at least, being here.

CAROL'S THE CURVE BALL. He had known there was a possibility of her being here, Tony had even pointed out that this was meeting the two of them shared and went to. So there was the off chance she felt like going, or needed to go, or anything. Clint doesn't think that Tony would have checked in with about if she was still attending, but the paranoia thought crosses his mind but Clint can quell that one.

He's not even the most aware of focused on Tony anymore as they enter, as he tries not to stare at people and just take it all in. He doesn't really hate that Kate points out that Clint's forth of breathing exercises, which she had pointed out once or twice he had some unresolved anxiety which Lynette said that he may have some disorder developed as a result of another disorder, blah blah blah. Clint's not too annoyed, but a little peeved, that she was right about how he uses ARCHERY ONE - O - ONE as a form of breathing exercises and body check-in-list.

Posture, shoulders align and hips, than raise the bow. Hand here, other hand there. HE GETS THE POINT. NOCK THE ARROW. AIM. BREATHE, RELEASE. HIT THE MARK.

He doesn't even notice when Tony puts coffee and a donut in his hand, until he realizes his hand isn't empty and is now in fact WARM. Clint subconsciously drinks the coffee, sighs in relief, because it's terrible plus he thinks he knows the brand, and it brings him a sense of calm. CAROL IS WHO HE FIXATES ON.

She walks up, and Clint forgets how to speak. He tries, grumbles a HI Carol, and than wonders when was the last time that he actually talked to her. WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS NECK OF THE WOODS? Mouth gaps but nothing comes out, than luckily Tony talks and she just takes that as it was.

There's a lack of an obvious expression to read on her face, than she's talking with Tony. Catching up. He'll try to catch with her too, maybe. SHE KNOWS NOW. It didn't go so bad. He's eyeing her more than she has eyed him, and he feels not the greatest that he knows because she's became one of the bigger, biggest members of the Avengers, ran a team more times than him and she's friends with Jessica. He knows that Tony mentioned when he agreed to this place, that he trusts her to keep all of that private, because she knew what this was like.

People start to gather seats, a meeting leader he assumes go through some business, speaking to the room and talking about various things. HE'S TRYING. Suddenly overwhelmed, and very glad for the coffee in his hand now.

HE'S PRETTY SURE THE LAST TIME HE TALKED TO CAROL WAS A FEW YEARS AGO. Not the greatest last meeting, but he had asked her to trust him and she did. So he thinks he has to do the same now.

Clint looks up a couple times, to watch the people who do want to talk and share their experiences, their anniversary, and than the seat next to him is empty. TONY'S GOTTEN UP. His eyes look up from his lap, having mostly tried to absorb what people were saying and being inside of his head, looking at the coffee cup, his hands, his cast. Sometimes, looking to see at Carol who would catch his eye than look away.

When Tony goes up, and starts to talk. INTRODUCES HIMSELF. He listens, watches him the whole time and has to focus on his breathing. LISTENS TO TONY. Over two years, but Clint remembers that Tony has gone longer before and he recognizes that Tony may not be trying to show off. HIM HAVING THING DOWN TO THE HOUR OF HOW LONG, that's a very Tony Stark thing but 836 days sounds like a lot; a lot more than where Clint was at and it makes this whole sobriety thing even more a reality. Two years, 836 days to be exact.

That's a lot to throw away.

He's heard the other people's stories, tried to find the pieces to apply, and he's certain that Tony chose what he said because he was in the room. It's to help him, give him some guidance, and give him a sense of reality to what his world was going to be.

Then Tony's eyes meet his as he brings up HIS FRIEND. Oh, that's him and than Carol is looking him at him too. He's not sure what to do with the attenion, but he draws more when Tony says his name. CLINT. WELCOME TO THE FIRST OF SMALL STEPS.

Oh. Inhale. Exhale. Calm down. HE RAISES HIS HAND UP INTO THE AIR. There's a pause, a beat that drags on as some heads do turn to him. OH. HE SHOULD SAY HI.

❝ Uh, hi. I'm Clint... ❞ and the thing that everyone else was doing. THE TOUGH ONE. OWN IT. IT'S WHO HE WAS. The only thing to his whole identity right now, it felt but he was working on that part. He's thirty one days sober. By choice, not because he was in a holding cell or some reason. Willfully sober. Thirty one days. ❝ uh.. I'm Clint and I'm an a-alcoholic. ⸺ That's all. ❞ He withdraws his hand back down to his lap, stares at the lid of the cup, spins the cup in his hand slowly and jut breathes for a moment. Eyes turn off of him, and he's just left FEELING LIKE HE'S BURNING FOR THE ATTENTION, FOR ADMITTING TO A WHOLE ROOM OF PEOPLE.

Strangers and two not strangers. When he looks up again, Carol's eyes are still on him and she gives him a nod. Clint doesn't know what to do with that. Someone else talks next, and there's a brief glance off between Tony and Carol as the man passes back to sit next to Clint.

THEN CAROL GOES UP TO SPEAK. She talks about thinking she had been ABOVE IT, that she had known a thing about control and she could handle this, she could handle this. She could do what she wanted with drinks alone in her room, talks how that line of thinking was dangerous for her and lead to being drunk during time she really wish she hadn't. CLINT CLOCKS THE GUILT WHEN HER EYES GO OVER TONY.

Clint more or less knows the story about Carol's drunken crash and burn, but he thinks he knows more to that. Pinpoints she's thinking about Tony's coma, and she had been sober than and how than she talks about being in control now, but than that it was worth it and about who she could be now. How this, sobriety, was important to her. HE SEES THE GUILT AND THAN IT CLICKS FOR HIM.

The last time they had talked, really talked, and been in just room had been in the exact moment of spying on her. They had talked more than just how to end THAT THING. They had talked about guilt, about the thing they can't forgive themselves for. Bruce and Tony, even if she hadn't killed him and he was in this coma for his own.... That's when and it feels embarrassing, shameful that's the last time.

Now she sees him here, and he's known for what he was, and than Carol ends that off. Two more people talk, before things are wrapping up.

HE'S NOT SURE IF HE CAN MOVE, AT LEAST FOR THE MOMENT. He feels drained beyond belief, overwhelmed with a lot of feelings. Can't pinpoint anything exactly. People gather with each other, in little groups and chat for a bit more, at least until they had to close things and leave.

Carol comes over to them, and he still feels like he is forgetting how to speak BUT HE TRIES. ❝ Uh, hi, Skipper. ❞ She gives him a look because that's not what he meant to say. They used their first names at least, he could have gone with that.

❝ Skipper? ❞

❝ 'Cause it's anonymous, so... ❞ CAPTAIN MARVEL. He doesn't know how to explain that he struggles to call Steve and Carol anything other than Cap and Captain.

❝ Clint. ❞ He can't quite tell if she's admonishing him for that, but she holds out her fist to him and it takes him two seconds longer than he'd like to ⸻ ❝ Put it here. ❞ He had been getting there, and reaches to fist bump her.

OH THAT WAS A LOT, AND TONY'S STANDING HERE TOO AFTER HE SPOTLIGHTED HIM IN HIS SPIEL.

Clint definitely feels like he is burning up from this whole thing. Brain function dead. ❝ So. Uh. Hey long time, uh was it uh New Years firework arrows... Anyways, uh, sorry that apparently I've been stealing the uh- number one baby sitter, Tony, here. That's uH why, I heard you uh ⸺ ❞ He hadn't done the firework arrows in years off the avengers roof either, because Clint's prtty sure she's realized too that the last time they really talked to each other beyond passing or dire world ending event; had been THE BIG HEAVY TALK. The other thing he tries to bring up is when Brandy had been dropped off back in San Francisco and Clint knows that Tony had lied to Carol for him.

So this was awkward. Clint felt so awkward. ❝ You're full of shit. Can I ask...? ❞ But there's nothing tense in her voice, and she must see that he's struggling here because he wants, feels compelled, to say something.

❝ Yeah, no, you're right. ❞ He was full of shit, making this way more awkward than necessary. ❝ Thirty one days s-sober. ❞

❝ It's good to see you sober. ❞ Clint kind of resents that since he still has a cast on, but at least she didn't see him when he was sick with withdrawal. He looks clean and smells like soap. She stops him before he retorts. ❝ Well, uh, just keep going with this, 'kay? I get it, you know, and I'm gonna take off here, but you can.... ❞ Carol gestures to herself, which Clint picks up that she was in his corner too.

❝ Really? ❞ She nods her head, and then they both hit a realization. ❝ We don't have each other's numbers. ❞

❝ Yeah, no. ❞ Clint's pretty sure that's because of Jessica Drew break up and Clint's tendency to annoy people. They exchange numbers, and Clint's trying to ignore how Tony must be looking at him because he notices his eyes on him.

He doesn't know if he'd actually call her, HE MIGHT. The better thing was that they had this exchange, and now she knows why Tony's been vague with her when it came to Avengers business and Brandy.

❝ Thanks, uh, have a good one, Carol. ❞

OH. WOAH. OKAY.

A rush of SOMETHING hits him as she watches Carol leave out the door. There's some anxiety that he still feels and he was going again, tomorrow and the next day, and he dreads having to talk and the attention. BUT HE GOT THROUGH. It wasn't so bad.

Clint looks up to Tony, to actually mean his eyes after he crushes the empty coffee cup in his hand because he doesn't know what to do with himself. ❝ Roll me home? ❞ He asks up to Tony, with attempt at a smile.

Tony hold the door open for Clint and then follows him in. There's a mix of people there. Some who look like rock bottom has stolen everything from them and others who look like they're doing very well for themselves, and everything in between. There's people in suits with briefcases that have clearly come straight from work, a mom who looks like she's barely even had a chance to shower today and is carrying a bag that doubles as handbag and diaper bag. There's a couple of people who look like they might be homeless. Carol is even there. Tony's glad for the variety. In the expensive rehab Tony had paid for would have given Clint a very specific demographic of addict. Here he can see with his own eyes there's not a type. Alcohol can get anyone.

He's less glad about Carol. Not that he's not happy to see her - or - maybe he isn't happy to see her. Things were repairing between them, but they weren't exactly good. It was unpleasant for Rhodey to say the least. But he knew that Clint seeing Carol was likely to bring on some shame. Especially considering the shocked look on her face and the fact she came right over. Tony grabbed a couple of paper cups from the rack and began to pour both he and Clint a cup.

"Tony," Carol said. "Clint. What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"Same thing as you, I'd wager," Tony said. "How are you doing, Carol?"

They talked for a little while Tony handed Clint a coffee and donut. Then the meeting was called to start. Tony sat down the back with Clint. They called up people with anniversaries first and they talked about how hard it was and how worth it. About their lowest points and their highs. And then the floor was open to anyone who felt like they had something to say.

Tony went up to the podium.

"Hello everyone. I'm Tony and I'm an alcoholic," he said.

There were the usual choruses of 'hello Tony' from the group. "I'm a little over two years sober. I say that as if I don't know exactly how many days that is. 836 days, he looked at his watch, 16 hours. I could break it down to hours. To minutes. To seconds. And I can still taste that drink. That last drink. It was mead if you can believe that? What kind of alcoholic chooses mead as their drink of choice?

"Sometimes I wonder if the world is actively trying to make it almost impossible for me to stay sober. The kinds of temptation thrown in my path doesn't feel like the normal kind. But then, maybe the normal kind is just as bad. Stress. Abandonment. Even just being at an event and everyone having a glass in their hand except you, because you have a disease. You're too weak to be able to handle just one. It's hard. It's hard every single day. Sometimes it's hard down to the minute. But it's worth it. Fighting it is worth it. And It helps to have people there in your corner, fighting with you."

He looked over to where Clint was sitting. "I have brought a friend with me today. He was there for me at my lowest. When all my friends had abandoned me and left me to rot, he stepped up and gave me a home and a purpose. And now it's my turn to do it for him. It's not easy to come to one of these for the first time. But he's the best fighter I've ever met. So I know he can do this. Clint. Welcome to the first of our small steps."

[duskterrace]

🌿 + 🥀

✉️ : LETTER TO SANTA ( decided to do them tgt )

Buzz,

This one might be a bit difficult. I feel like we talk about almost everything, so searching deep down to find something I haven’t yet vocalized is kinda hard.  I’ll give it my best shot, but … sorry if it gets a little rambly at some point. You're a breath of fresh air. You’re a blessing I never knew I was searching for. You've helped me through countless issues– though, let’s be real, you’ve also been the cause of most of those issues. But without that added dose of chaos in my life, I'm not sure I would've made it as far as I have. I won’t go and be dramatic or anything but, the day you were assigned as my roommate is one I look back on fondly, because it's the day that I met that… one really awkward guy who swore my computer was talking to him ( aka you, if you didn’t get it ) . I think for one, I've never gotten a chance to say this to you face to face but …thank you. Genuinely. For consoling me at night when you notice I'm stressed or on rare occasions, if I'm imbalanced and am probably scaring you while switching back and forth because of a sudden panic attack. Thank you for also making me laugh. Albeit, most of that laughter comes at your expense because you're so bad at skateboarding and always choose to do it inside the dorm room, but it really helps me destress most days. I normally keep away from people because I never know who i can befriend since a few people in the past have had nefarious intentions after figuring out what my power entails but you’ve always been overly respectful of boundaries, even of ones I wasn't aware I had. And that makes you so special. You’ve earned my trust and let me tell you…that's…pretty rare. To sum it up…I hate to admit it but  those nights where you’re overwhelmed by technology are quickly becoming my favorite over the past few months. Because, frankly, I enjoy the idea of turning off all of our technology for one night and just doing whatever chaotic list of shenanigans comes to our minds, just because we can. It’s the one day in a week where i can let loose and not feel like i'll be judged switching 10-20 times during out conversations based off of emotions or…thoughts. Also…?  Racing up to the roof to just sit in a childish blanket fort and stare at stars that would otherwise elude us, is a plus. I never knew I was lonely in that dorm room, until you moved in. Now I find myself waiting for you to come back from classes just to have someone to ignore me for the better part of the day. Not sure why… but silence is so much better when you have someone to be silent with. Okay sappy shit aside. You're pretty cool. Thanks for being my roommate, blah blah. I’m writing this letter by hand to give your brain a bit of a tech break, so you're welcome. Read it too much or get too happy about it and i'm burning it. Ps. thanks for trying to figure out how to charge my phone, i hope you figure it out soon bc i broke my charger...again.

Sincerely, Jinsol. 

🥀 : 3AM DRUNK TEXT ( ✉️ )   SMS    →   BUZZ  

delivered / 03:10 am ✓ › i mayu or may not be be drunk but..serious quest chin (?)

delivered / 03:19 am ✓ › queschion › queschien › [voice note] hey siri spell question oh thats not- › [speech to text] hey siri spell question › [speech to text] spell question › [speech to text] quest in › [speech to text] no spell question › ayeeee it didit › wait fcuk wat was my questchin againn?

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi!! Idk if you remember me but I was your high school ask from a while ago. I said I that I wanted to kms cause i literally didn't have any romantic experience and was going to gr 11 rlly soon? I also said I like got really anxious around boys and went to an all girls middle school. Anyways, now that I’m done with the lore I’m back 🥹 Thanks sm for the advice u honestly made me feel sm better. I kinda need adivce on smth and I don’t really want to ask someone I know abt this. So basically I think I might have had a crush on someone I’ve known for three years but didn’t realize🧍🏾‍♀️idk what to do and I need someone to tell me if i’m genuinely tweaking or just in denial.

So for context I was bullied in my childhood and middle school and didn’t really talk to anyone when quarantine hit ( other than my family) My social anxiety was at its peak and gr 9 was starting and I was just a ball of angst and thought nobody would think I was cool and that nobody would like me and blah blah you get the picture. I met this girl randomly on the bleachers and decided to grow a pair and talk to her and we became friends. She was my first real friend, someone who didn’t call themselves my friend just by name. She was like a breath of fresh air. I liked everything about her and I wanted her to think I was cool too. We had some moments where she had me screaming in my pillow at 5 am and made me question if I liked girls??? I once sent her loads of TikTok’s pretty early in the morning cause my fyp was just immaculate that day. She straight up replied to it saying “up so early sweetie?” WHEN I TELL YOU I STARED AT MY PHONE AND SCREAMED I DID ☠️☠️ I mean looking back on it the sentence might be a bit cringe but I was getting FLUSTERED. Mind you we had a strict poking fun at eachother teasing type of relationship. She probably meant it as a joke but whewww

To make things clear I really cherished her and our friendship, I don’t know if I liked her romantically or just very strong platonic love because she was the first person to make me feel liked/treat me well 🫠 Also literally nobody calls me pet names and that was the first time. I think I’d melt if a rock called me sweetheart. But my current friend ( also a girl ) calls me pet names all the time and I’m not melting?? The thing is, as much as I loved our friendship I kinda felt like I always had to entertain her and the others. I am extroverted ( with very shitty social skills ) and my friends were mostly introverted. I felt like If I didn’t come out the gates swinging, we wouldn’t have as much fun and we wouldn’t talk as much. I got burnt out really quickly, and just exhausted after school. Not to sound narcissistic but I felt like the glue holding us together.

In second semester I got some health problems and went online and didn’t go back to school till the start of gr 10. I would talk to them online a lot and keep in contact, but things in my life just took a turn for the worse and I just got overwhelmed with school and my health. I ended up ghosting them and literally not responding at all 🥲 One thing I’d like to mention is that I introduced the girl to my cousin in our grade and she really really liked her. She started eating lunch with my cousins friend group and just being excited to see her. Not to be possessive either, but I just felt left out. I did a lot to keep her interested with me, and my cousin and her friend group got it like it was nothing? She was my absolute no1 in everything, and I didn’t even feel like 2nd to her. She was so much more excited and initiating with them as well. When I went back to school I tired to talk to her but she lowkey snubbed me abt the ghosting thing. I tired to talk to her friend group since I literally know most of them but I kinda felt like a kid trailing their older siblings friends and it was so awkward. Our friendship just died after that. For some reason on my birthday she texted me even though we barely even talked to each other??? She was literally the only person who wished me a happy birthday too 😭😭 I genuinely thought I got over our ‘friendship breakup’ and moved on since I’m literally in gr 11. We were at the school remembrance day assembly and the Music club was performing a song. Now my friend was unsure if she wanted to join and I told her to do it and pushed her to learn how to play the guitar in gr 9. A girl behind me asked if I could record for her since I was in the front and I did and I saw her come out in a little cute dressy outfit and she straightened her hair and just looked so pretty. She normally wears sweats so it was so different. She was smiling excitedly and my cousin and her friends were waving at her and stuff. She started to play and I had to sit and record her the whole time. It made me remember all the jokes we had and how she said she’d play a Justin briber song for me ( yes I was also obsessed with him ☠️)

I remember I saved a video she sent me of her singing to Baby karaoke with the kids at the music club. She sent a text like “for you ❤️” and I remember feeling so happy. I mean she probably was just singing with her friends and remembered I liked the song and sent it randomly but it made me so happy she was even thinking of me and remembered. After the performance I literally bawled my eyes out and I don’t even know why??? Like I missed our friendship but she wasn’t the best to begin with. I don’t get why I cried so much. Now anytime I see her in the halls I literally want to evaporate :/ My birthday is coming up in like three days and I can’t stop thinking about her and if she’ll text. Should I try and talk to her again? How would I even do that 😭 I never really gave it much thought but I think I might have a crush on her? I don’t know if I do though as well. I mean I do like guys and I think girls are hot but idk if would go as far as to say I’m attracted to them. But idk if I can say I wouldn’t scream and picture our wedding day if a girl kissed me ☹️ The worst part is, Ik she isn’t even thinking abt me.

Thanks for reading this all if you stayed to the end! This was definitely wayyy too long and I over shared to the max but I just want to give you context ( and ramble ) so you could understand? Sorry if this was too much, you can ignore this if it is😭😭

Hi, I did end up fully reading it, though I had to use google translate to read it for me (sorry! it was just long). What I can say is that for someone who says you don't have a crush, you sure sound like you have a crush. Like you wrote out this whole ask for her! I think it sounds like you like her based on your message and you could be bi.

You are in high school so I think it is totally cool to not know for sure if your feelings would work out in a bigger way, it's part of self-discovery. I get that you two might not be good friends now or possibly as close as you used to be, but there used to be something so it may be worth it to see if you can start talking to her again and then move towards asking her out.

I think with something like this, it may be best to go with a simple "Hi, I am how are you doing? I know we haven't talked much recently." then you can go from there. Establishing contact is step one, then comes acknowledging that you guys hadn't talked in a while. Then she can bring up whatever she wants and you can focus on getting to know her again. I don't know for sure if she likes you too. I wouldn't rule it out, but it is hard to tell sometimes. She clearly cares a lot about you. It is clear you two care about each other, so the least that can happen is you get this friend back who clearly means a lot to you.

Posted Dec 10, 2023

P.S. This is so funny "I think I’d melt if a rock called me sweetheart."

[kuvirametalbender]

TW: suicide mention, self harm, alcoholism,

something that isn't talk about recovery, that's seen as taboo even is that fact that you make a sort of twisted, resentful relationship with recovery, especially when it's forced onto you.

Back in january when i tried to kill myself and when i had spent a year prior absolutely destroying myself i was in a really dark place. And i still am sort of. When i tried to to kill myself it wasn't in a "cry for help" sort of way. I planned it, i figured out when my family was going to be out, i used my knowledge to do it in a relatively painless way, i had a date, a time, a how, and several hundreds of whys. And i didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to survive. I made a miscalculation. And sure there are easier, more definitive ways to kill myself, but i have NO clue how to get a gun, i could hardly walk so i couldn't throw myself off a bridge or into incoming traffic, i didn't want to hang myself because A i couldn't install a rope high enough for me and i didn't want it to hurt.

So I survived, and they checked me and i spent 4 months completely hating the fact that i survived.

See I didn't WANT to continue living. I was utterly unhappy, we were in a middle of a global pandemic that cost me my legs, I had lost the job that i loved WHERE I GOT SICK to begin with and still wanted to go back to, i had no money, my relationship was in the shits, i had a terrible relationship with my parents

There was not a single aspect in my life that brought me even the tiniest speck of happiness

So i spent 6 months in rehab blah blah blah and i really can't say when there was a switch in my mind. My life is still pretty shitty i have to say. There are SOME things that are better like my legs, which i can walk unassisted most days now (while having to tolerate huge amounts of pain daily but at least i can walk). And i sorta kinda have a future again probably (doing the whole residency match thing one last time)

But there are a lot of bad days still. In fact I'd say that most days are bad, but of course 6 months of therapy had taught me a lot about managing most days. MOST. days.

And I hate that when really bad days come, sometimes without anything external happening, just being overwhelmed and tired from having to deal with previous bad days, you really can't talk about it or even just express the fact that you're in a bad mood and don't want to interact, and I just want to focus on the stuff that i HAVE to do.

Because then I'm seen as relapsing, as going bad again. And so i resent the fact that "i'm better" that I "did the work" especially because I NEVER WANTED TO!!!! I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS!!! and sure it might sound ungrateful and whatever, trust me i've worked DAILY at this for far longer than you.

And yes! Sometimes I AM UNGRATEFUL because i didn't want the help. I very clearly, very vocally, and very actively wanted to kill myself and 99% of the reason im still here is not for me. I'm working on this shitshow called life for others, for my parents who nearly went bankrupt paying for therapy, and for my brother who i probably scarred for life and is why he hasn't talked to me more than 5 words since i was discharged and for my mom's boyfriend who i pretty much ruined his golden years.

So yeah, when i have really bad days i am resentful at my recovery. I sometimes hate it with all my heart. And so i talk about it, and so i write about it, and hope that in an hour ill feel a bit better.