#I found out later the reason she hung out with me so much considering we were in dif grades was because how bad the bullying got

[imnotpayingforurtherapy]

As a result of corruption and the experiments, ever since he was a child Chuuya has suffered from horrible seizures. When they happened when he was still in the sheep, Shirase and the other's would laugh at him, being children and not understanding what was wrong he got horrid nicknames like "quake/earthquake" or "Shaky boy" any time they would happen he would try to move to a comfortable spot like the grass or a box spring mattress but more times than not just collapsed on the concrete. After one resulted in a concussion and mild coma they realized that couldn't survive with out him and finally started helping him.

After he left he got better at dealing them, Doc's advice and exercises seeming to help alot but after his gate was opened and corruption use they got so much worse. The first time one happened in front of Dazai it was while they were leaving for a mission, right after getting out of the infirmary post stormbringer. They didn't even make it to the elevator after leaving Mori's office when suddenly Chuuya collapsed, Dazai barely catching him in time, before he violently started shaking, his airways seeming to lock shut and hus body failed on him. Dazai brought them to the floor, holding on tight to him to prevent him from getting a concussion until Chuuya eventually gained conciseness again. He immediately pushed away from Dazai and curled in on himself, terrified and trembling. Dazai had held him exactly how Albatross used to. Dazai figured it was about the seizure and explained what had happened, having read about it when Mori threw a medical journal at him after he said he was bored when he was 15.

After a while of this happening, Dazai somehow able to sense when Chuuya was going to have one from a chill running down his spine or seeing that oh so familiar distant look in his eyes and running to catch him Chuuya began to trust him more and often lingered in the embrace even after it was over. And even after the bad ones, he always woke up with Dazai at his bedside in the infirmary, that hilarious terrified worried look on his face become one of Chuuya new favorite sights.

After Dazai defected Chuuya stress skyrocketed and in turn his seizures got drastically worse and more common, now with no one to catch him. New scraps and bruises here or there, passing out with concussions becoming more common than he would have liked, fear setting in of possible brain damage which just made the seizures worse, getting drunk being the only way to calm himself down which again made the seizures worse.

When they reunited, Dazai instantly noticed the new scars but never had the chance to bring it up nor did he want to. Well not until they ran into eachother at a random bathhouse, Dazai's water was shut iff and Chuuya couldn't stand the post mission grime another second. In the locker room Dazai's eyes seemed to linger on the scars he didn't recognize and Chuuya eventually let out all the resentment he had be keeping in later that night sitting next to Dazai drunk at a bar before passing out. Dazai carried him home, tucked him in and snuck into Chuuya's home office to write a 10 page letter on all the apologies he never got to say, having to rewrite a few pages due to the amount of tear marks making his writing unlegible.

[rookiesbookies]

Hii I hope this doesnt bother you but afab reader who just got married with simon and after their marriage ceremony (im sorry I've never gotten married) he's just ready to make love with them because reader wanted to wait to have mattress mambo with anyone (only being simon)

Its ok my lovely lil anon, i’ve never been married either. But with a lil bit of research (asking my mom) I believe I am decently enough equipt to write this ask! I do what to apologize because Ghost/Simon is one of the harder ones for me to write so I hope I did him justice!

Smut is implied because this was taking longer for me to write than I liked, so sorry there isn’t a full scene. I wanted to publish this sooner rather than later.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow over the small gathering, the wedding reached its climax. Simon stood at the altar, fidgeting with the edges of his tux, trying to maintain the facade he had carefully constructed for years. It was definitely more difficult with his face free to the air. The team, gathered around him, looked on with a mixture of curiosity and understanding. They knew Simon's reasons for wearing the mask, just as they knew the effort it took for him to even consider taking it off.

It was Soap's wedding that had started it all. Simon had arrived at the ceremony, resolute in his decision to keep his mask on, no matter what. But the others had other plans. When Simon wasn't looking, Soap had swiftly plucked the mask from his face, much to Simon's dismay. The rest of the day had been a blur of laughter and camaraderie, and Simon had begrudgingly admitted that it hadn't been as terrible as he had imagined.

Now, at his own wedding, Simon found himself in a similar predicament. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t put the mask on. As Simon's teammate and Commanding Officer, Price knew Simon better than anyone else, he was who Simon gave the mask to. Today he wasn’t Ghost. This wasn’t a mission, he wasn’t saving the world.

He understood the significance of this moment, not just for Simon but for the entire team. Their resident scary dog was getting hitched. Simon was going to be happy again.

For the first time in years, Simon stood before his friends and loved ones, unmasked and unafraid. He had actually willingly handed off the mask to Price

And as he exchanged vows with his partner, he knew that this moment would forever be etched in his memory as the day he finally let go of the mask he had worn for so long.

The wedding night was as expected, Simon was more jittery than he had ever been.

She had been holding off and Simon expected it. They had kissed before, made out, but they never took it much further and he respected it. He wore blue balls with pride.

“If you decide to back out we don’t have to do anything tonight,” Simon said, planting a kiss on her cheek.

“No, I want this. I have wanted this, Simon,” she brought her hands up to his face, rubbing her thumbs over his cheeks.

He took one of her hands and pulled her in close. He just stood there and held her.

“I worry you’ll regret it.”

“Marriage or having sex with you?”

“Both.”

“I could never.” She brought her hands to his face, “I love you how the Sun loves the Moon, let me shine my light on you and show you just how much I could never regret anything with you.”

“Are you ready than?” He asked, turning away to unbutton his shirt, “because once I get ahold of you I won’t let go.”

“Simon. We’re legally married. I’m considering burning the receipt so you don’t try to return ME.” She giggled as he turned to pull her back into his body. Leaning over her to undo the corset of her dress before helping lift it over her head to get her out. He hung it on a hanger in the hotel room.

“Never.” Was all he said before he planted kisses down her body, her hands found there way back to his face.

“You got one more time to back out before I’m giving you a safe word.”

“I don’t think I’ll use it.”

“Pineapples.”

“Pineapples? Pineapples.”

That was the conversation before Simon absolutely tackled his now wife onto the hotel bed.

I pity those in the room under theirs.

[jacklynchh]

Wildflowers & Honey • Self-Para

Spring, 2018.

"What's that?"

"It's a beehive!"

There was a moment of silence in which Jack set down his coffee, trying to decide whether or not to question it. Grace offered no further explanation and just continued hauling boxes of unfamiliar equipment through the door, humming happily to herself.

"When you said you were going to pick up a few things, I thought you meant groceries," he said finally, deciding to get ahead of… whatever this was.

She grinned at him.

"I got groceries too."

It was a thing she did. He should be used to it by now, really. Grace would hear about some new hobby or craft and for the next few months it became Her Thing. Sometimes they stuck, knitting and pottery were particular favourites, but most of the time after a while she'd get bored and move on to the next. It was the reason they had a closet full of basket weaving materials that hadn't been touched in two years.

"Okay," Jack said, and then, "Should I ask?"

"Well, Heather from pilates was telling me about this amazing local group that runs all these courses on self-sufficience. You know like growing your own produce, animal care, foraging, and-"

"Beekeeping," he finished with a sigh.

"Exactly! And I figured we already grow our own stuff, and since we don't have enough space for a chicken coop, then this is the next best thing." She straightened up and dusted her hands off. "I thought it could be a cool thing to do together, you know? And think how great it would be to be able to make our own honey. You could sell it at the market with everything else."

She joined him by the kitchen island, swiping his unguarded mug to take a sip. There was a twinkle of joy in her eyes and she looked so pleased with herself that any half formed protests he had died on Jack's lips.

"Do we have to get a license or something?"

"There's a register and a small fee, but it's only like ten dollars."

"And the course?"

"We can afford it."

Another heavy sigh and he gave in. "Fine, but if I get stung you're never gonna hear the end of it."

"I think I can live with that," she said, smiling as she leaned into his side.

Present day.

There was a swarm hanging from his mailbox. Not the most helpful thing in the world, considering Jack had come out to see if anything had been delivered yet. A gentle buzzing noise filled the air and a few lone rangers were flying haphazardly above the main cluster, looking for places to land. The bees seemed relatively calm, so he just stood there for a moment debating what to do.

The sight of them had sparked a memory he hadn't thought about in years; Grace coming home and declaring them soon-to-be beekeepers. She'd been so excited about it at the time. He remembered wondering whether it was something they'd end up sticking to or give up on two classes in—they'd never had a chance to find out. Her diagnosis had come in only a couple of weeks after she'd signed them up.

He still had the hive though. It was sitting in the potting shed, hidden behind a pile of old tools and a wheelbarrow, alongside a whole collection of other seemingly vital beekeeper's equipment that he didn't know all that much about using.

It would be stupid to dig it out now, wouldn't it? Pointless. He should just call someone to come and get them, be done with it. That would be the sensible thing to do.

But they'd chosen to stop here. And his garden was full of pollinator plants. And he could see Grace's fucking smile-

Fifteen minutes later, he had his phone lodged between his shoulder and his ear as he tugged the hive out from its hiding box. It was still in relatively good condition, all things considered.

"Yeah, yeah, I've got frames too. Everything, I think. How soon can you be here?"

Only in Blue Harbor could he have found a qualified beekeeper not fifteen minutes away totally willing to help a complete stranger catch an absconded swarm. He hung up, proceeding to pull out one of the old suits stored away with everything else, feeling ridiculous as he climbed into it. It was insane, wasn't it? To see your dead wife in a swarm of fucking bees and, what, decide to keep them because of that?

And yet here he was. Oh well. He'd done it now. Might as well just accept his fate.

[sleeepy-sim]

Their Girl

Read warnings before continuing

Find both the masterlist & warning here

The Lost Boys

Chapter 1

My father was never someone I could go to for things. He was there for my brothers but never really for me, unless I needed a ride, but that was about it. When I heard that he had cheated on my mom, Lucy, I was pissed. My father was never really home and when he was he was usually complaining about something, at least whenever I was home at the same time as him. My mom was already done with his bullshit by the time she found out he was screwing some chick that looked faker than plastic. So it wasn’t much of a tough decision for her, at least from the way she was talking about it. So here we are, my mom, my brothers, Michael and Sam, on our way to go live with our grandpa, in Santa Carla. 

I don’t really mind moving, considering that we lived in Arizona, which is hot as shit. Plus I’m ready for change. Hopefully Santa Carla will be better than it is for most, considering how many missing posters there are. I feel weird being here, in Santa Carla. The place isn’t weird, I mean it has weird people but the place itself isn’t weird. I feel like something is going to happen, hopefully something good. Hopefully I’ll be able to go onto the boardwalk tonight, I bet it’s beautiful at night time.

“Bee?” my mother’s head peeks out from behind the now cracked door. “Hm?” I look up from the desk grandpa, thankfully had in this room. I love my mom, she can be a bit of a pushover, but she only means well, at least I’m guessing. “Do you want to go to the boardwalk with me? I was thinking we could all go,” she looks hopeful. “You, me, Michael and Sam? If you want to go of course, I know how some things can-” stopping her before she continues her sentence and her rambling of trying to reason why she’s asking, “Sure. Um, just uh, give me a min.” 

I look through my bags that I have yet to unpack, finding a black skirt with a light sweater that has skulls all over it. Looking in my other bag trying to find my cute knee high socks that have little bows at the top, finally finding them I hurry up and change throwing the clothes I just had on my bed. “I’ll deal with it later,” grabbing my white sneakers I slip them on and tie them before heading down stairs where my mom was waiting. “Are they coming,” I sling my black purse over my right shoulder before digging into it and finding my perfume, spraying some on myself before offering it to my mom. She smiles as a thank you and sprays herself, “Yes, they should be coming down any minute now.” She hands me the perfume back just as my little brother Sam comes running down the stairs, he runs over to me before hugging me, he is almost as tall as me, considering his head is past my shoulders. I kiss his head before patting his back to tell him we have to go, as I see Michael come down. “Let's hit the road!” my mother looks back at the three of us, Sam still attached to me and Michael smelling his armpits. 

Even though I was here just earlier today, the boardwalk is still beautiful. Though being here just made the feeling as though something is bound to happen intensify almost instantly. “So where too?” Looking to my right stood Lucy, my two brothers had wanted to go check out the concert and I was going to go with them, but with my stomach tightening up into knots and almost making me throw up on an innocent bystander. I decided it best to go with my mom, as she can somewhat help me when I get too nervous. “Lets just walk around until something catches our eyes?” She smiles brightly and I can’t help but playfully bump into her, she bumps me back and then I bumped her again. We continued until we started giggling and made eye contact with the woman hanging up a missing poster with a guy's picture that looks to be a security of some kind. 

Seeing how sad she looked and then realizing that everyone else who had hung a poster on that board must have looked and felt what that woman was feeling, ruined our moods. Looking at my mom, she and I shared a look as though she understood my worries of something happening to our family, she smiled at me and kissed my cheek before a little boy's cries made us stop our interaction and look. “Mom! Mom! I can’t find my mom.” Walking over to the boy my mom gets to his level trying to talk to the poor boy as I smile at him while digging into my bag and finding a little packet of tissues and handing him one, giving him a kid smile. He whips his tears away, “Are you lost?” the boy nodded at my mom before sparing me a glance. “Well that’s okay, let’s see if someone can help okay?” My mom smiles sadly at me and I take his hand and follow her into what I’m guessing is a Video Store. “Let’s go in here and see.” 

“Excuse me. This little boy’s lost, and we wondered if his mother might be here?” I bend down to him while my mom talks to the man with glasses. “What’s your name?” His fist rubs at his eyes, probably tired from all the crying. “T-terry,” His eyes are filled with tears and his first continues to rub at his eyes. “I like that name,” I smile at him, he looks at the floor and smiles. “Terry!” His mom comes running in and hugs the small boy, “Oh, I was so worried.” Suddenly my body became hot, I could feel myself sweating, it started to get hard to breathe, almost as though something was in my lungs clogging it up. I could feel myself getting dizzy, sweat trickled down from my forehead, wiping it away and looking at the drop of sweat with confusion. I was fine just a second ago, what’s wrong with me now. Swallowing thickly I look around the room, notifying four might I say hot guys. 

I made eye contact with the tallest blonde, his hair was almost like a mane, the smirk on his eyes were hungrily watching as I struggled to breath. The other blonde next to him seemed to have the same look in his eye. He seemed to be shorter than all of them but his hair was so curly, it looked beautiful. I looked back at the blonde with the lion mane and looked to the guy that was on the left side of him. He had dark long beautiful hair, his skin seemed to be darker than the other two, his eyes were scanning me it seemed.  Lastly the guy next to him had phantom blonde hair, it seemed to be styled in a somewhat punk hairstyle. The smirk on his face almost seemed like he knew something I didn’t, like he was expecting something to happen. Looking away from them, I realized that Terry and his mom had left and my mom was still talking to the guy with glasses.  “I’m gonna go,” I whispered to my mom, avoiding looking at the guys that were just across the counter. “Oh, okay, I’ll see you at the house?” I nod at her before taking another glance at the four guys before turning around and heading for the door. 

I step outside of the store and stand just a bit to the left of the door, taking a deep breath. I rub my face with my hands trying to calm down, I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I sit down on the curb just near some bikes. Resting my head on my knees, it seems my sweating is getting worse. Hearing footsteps I try not to look up but two people squish me between them. Another person crouches right in front of me. With my head still down on my knees I froze up not knowing what to do, but part of me felt safe and warm, but I also was sweating so much. It seemed like I had a knot in my stomach, the inside of my thighs were almost soaked and my pussy seemed to be throbbing. What the hell is wrong with me? Someone's hand was running through my hair, another someone’s nose was in my hair. “It’s okay,” lifting my head up I see the man with dark beautiful hair was crouched in front of me, looking to my right was the curly head blonde and to my right was the lion mane blonde. 

“Yeah, it’s okay cutie.” Looking back to my left, the blonde with the lion’s mane removed his nose from my hair and put his hand on my cheek, his thumb brushing over my high cheekbone. “I’m Paul,” he smirks at me before nodding his head at the other blonde on my other side. “That’s Marko,” Looking over at the curly head blonde that I now know as Marko, his arm wraps around my waist pulling me closer to him, which causes Paul to move over and squash me even closer to the two of them. “I’m Dwayne.” my head looks up to him, even while crouching he has the height advantage. Hearing footsteps from behind me I go to look but I suddenly feel someone behind me, their chest touching my back. Upon whose arrival Paul and Marko seemed to scoot a little away, as suddenly I’m being picked up, their hands just underneath my armpits. The person behind me lifts me up and suddenly the ground looks a long ways away, but they sit down on the curb and put me in their lap. “I’m David sweetheart.” His hot warm breath hits my ear. 

His hands pick me up once again, except this time he turns me around in his lap. Now facing him my body turns hot. I’m pretty sure my slick is running down my thighs and onto David's pants. He adjusts me so I’m sitting on his crotch, which makes it even worse. His hands are resting on my hips, fingers slipping into the top of my skirt, but I can’t seem to care, it feels so good being with them. It feels right, somewhat comforting in a way. “What’s your name, sweets?” Marko’s fingers run through my hair once again, his wide smile making me want to smile. David’s hands grip my hips even tighter and make me roll my hips against his crotch, making me whine. “He asked you a question.” Dwayne’s fingers moved the hair that was covering my neck before putting his nose against my neck, before biting it. Making me buck my hip, causing David to groan. “B-bee,” I throw my head back letting Dwayne get more access to continue to bite and snip at my throat. Paul groaned, smelling into the air, “God you smell good,”

Paul’s hand reached over and pulled on my necklace, pulling me to him, almost making me fall from David’s lap. His lips almost touched mine, his hot breath hitting my lip, “I can’t wait to taste you my little bee bee.” His hand snaked up and grabbed some of my hair before pulling me into his lap with his lips crashing into mine. I can’t help but moan into his mouth, hips rolling, humping him. Even kissing him was too much pleasure, my slick was bound to be soaking my knee high socks by now. “Not here,” Dwayne’s hands pick me up, just under my armpit. He lifts me up and holds me to his chest before looking over my shoulder and at the rest of the boys. He goes to put me on his bike but I won’t let go of him, as though something in my body was telling me I needed to touch him all the time. He sighs before getting on the bike with me still attached to his chest.  

[liquorisce]

So idk if you've touched it since but can you give us a little sneek peak of BYLB as an original work? Like the new characters and things things you plan on/have changed from the version we read?

thank you so much for this question!!

i'm not sure i have a sneak peek that that is good enough to share, because for a long time, despite rewriting nearly 25k words, i couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with it. I thought changing pov might be able to tell the story better, but that was a tool, not the material itself.

thanks to all the reading and writing i have been doing on other projects, i have been thinking about bylb a lot. i think one thing i'll have to do, a kill-your-darlings of sorts, is to cut down a lot of details about other characters, and sometimes whole characters themselves.

the story i really want to tell demands a lot of interiority, and i think i'm way better at it now, but it also makes me understand then, that i cannot devote the same kind of attention or perspective to levi's backstory with petra. to his dynamic with hange. The incident that occurred between Cherry and Hange. I can't just throw them in there like I did last time and expect those things to resolve themselves.

I'll explain it this way. In my first draft that's up on ao3, I'm trying to talk about:

Levi, Hange, Levi's late wife and their relationship to the sex work industry. All of their relationships are different and filled with different types of pain. Levi was a cop that fell in love with a sex worker who became his CI, and then got caught and murdered for it. Hange is a trans character who wants to undergo a sex change surgery and is trying to save up for it, but at the same time they want to invest in creating a better environment for the girls who end up in similar situations. With Cherry we see a situation where Hange feels like they have failed in that endeavour, because Cherry refused to follow the boundaries laid out by Hange, and ended up being abused at the hands of a customer who claimed to love Cherry.

Mikasa on the other hand is trying to reclaim the ownership of her body by making it work. quite literally. she's been mothered by hange, fathered by levi, and this industry whilst dangerous, has been a playground of exploration for her. because she's been so protected, she doesn't consider the aspects of it that she doesn't want to. she's a good dancer, and she's proud of it. she wants to get a kick out of turning men on, so she does. But where Levi and Hange feel like shit for exposing her to this industry, she is trying to assert a "Why can't I do this if i feel safe and free?" kind of attitude.

Mikasa's sexuality: Mikasa is somewhere on the ace spectrum, demi i guess. she's felt broken for so long because her body doesn't experience desire the same way as others, but she's grown up knowing that her body elicits desire in others. and she's tried to push and prod and poke at that sensation until it's sore. Now for whatever reason, she finds it in the arms of a man who is supposed to be off limits to her. She is willing to disregard these limits, but this man is hot one minute, cold the next, hung up over an ex, and mostly unreliable.

Eren's backstory and divorce: Obviously Eren comes into the story with a really key perspective, the opening scene is about him and his friends, and his inner turmoil. What I was trying to do was write a man on the precipice of change. Here you have a man who thought he was doing all the right things in life, and suddenly he's found out it doesn't work. What is a moral choice anymore? He isn't so sure. What am I doing with a stripper? Why am I getting a divorce? How am I in love with someone else when I promised to be with my wife forever? Why do I feel like a different person when I am with this mysterious girl? etc.

Historia's sexuality and cheating: I obviously have sympathy for her, the way I wrote her into the story. She married her best friend but fell in love with a woman much later, something that she never expected would happen to her. This is not something she has an understanding of, herself. She has a controlling father whom she genuinely fears for, and is still very fond of her husband. So even though she wants to leave him, she is scared to leave him behind. He's one of the few people in her life who has been good to her, after all.

I have 2 choices to make here,

1) either I write a dual pov story from Eren and Mikasa's perspective, in which case I would really massively cut down point 1, and just briefly mention point 5 and change Mikasa's back story because there is so much to unpack in the dynamic itself, OR

2) I would keep the story from Mikasa POV and try to tackle all the above whilst featuring Eren as just a love interest. you know what i mean?

I THINK i am leaning towards the former, but this is a thing that keeps me spinning every three business days. Ultimately I am also conscious of "writing what I know" and the idea that I could be making an offensive commentary on sex work does scare me. On the other hand, I love romance and writing about Eren unravelling feels so compelling to me.

Regarding character changes: I like the character I have fleshed out for Mikasa. where I lean into her wistfulness, devotion and submissiveness in other fics, here I wanted to explore her pride and obstinacy, and desire to fight. So I like the character that I have here. In an original, I would call her M, and have her whisper her name to her lover, and the audience would not know it until the very end.

One thing I have toyed with seriously, is making M an onlyfans persona who breaks a lot of rules for a man who says he's never done this before, and kind of taunts her by asking what's so special about her. this is what i would do if i choose to option 1 as I explained above, because then I can just really make this an obsessive love story that takes place in the shadows. And I can still touch upon points 2, 3 and 4 in proper detail! If I got this route, I picture M's persona to have pink wig and a pole installed in her room. I wonder if she would be a rich girl. We'll have to see lol.

Eren on the other hand... oh boy. I just would not know what to name him. I have grown attached to the name 'Mr Jaeger' and it kinda sounds sexy, idk what else to say lol. Also while writing original fic, I also feel somewhat of a fraud writing names of people that are so far removed from the names and cultures that I know intimately. I've toyed with the idea of making the MMC an indian man, because I can then relate to the cultural obligations family thrusts on you especially in a marriage. i think i just need to give myself permission to do this, and a lot of things will fall into place, because here then is an archetype of man that i know LOL.

I think the real thing is nailing down what questions I am trying to answer in this story, and i'm still not a 100% sure. However, writing this post was super fun and helpful because it also lays out very clearly what I need to think about and write about. All I know for sure is that I will write it eventually, and it will have a positive ending. thanks again for this ask!

[aconflagrationofmyown]

Pregnancy and birth do things to a womans body so after the second or third pregnancy does Elaine ever get insecure? The stretch marks, the saggy skin in areas, I think it’s beautiful but Elvis was always peculiar on the way people looked but he may have found it more beautiful because she got those growing his children

Aha, so…this is a very valid consideration and one I intend to explore in fic form but until then, let us have a few half baked thoughts, here’s to hoping you like cookie dough. 😏

He was most definitely particular (some might say to the point of extreme vanity and oppressiveness) in regards to image, presentation and a sort of decorum, and I might add it seems to me that it fluctuated with his career. There was certainly a fastidiousness about the front he presented that I can totally relate to, actually. I think it good to keep in mind how seriously he tried to take the influence he had on the public, considering his purpose to both entertain and uplift. He expected a high standard in women, one he did not hold himself to but matched in other areas. And in many ways he represents a lost generation where dignity meant getting outta your PJs in the morning for the morale, your morale, like a soldier shaving despite living in a foxhole. So, those are perhaps the more substantive reasons for his preoccupation with image, and we certainly have a glimpse into what darkness that could turn into with the “truth” according to Pricilla. (zero shade intended, just a acknowledging a bias there)

Now, let’s see what else we know of this man and his love and loyalty to the “imperfect.” He was consistently unashamed and purposeful to love on and be seen with those who the world at large labels “disabled.” His own mother, like he himself in later life, struggled with the publicity shined on their body weight in a entirely callous era of journalism -through it all he remained devoted and proud of their love, his choice was to repeatedly have her front and center. What am I getting at here? Elvis was a nice guy cause he hung out with other people besides Barbie Dolls? Nope, rather, when he had an affection for and a reason for loyalty to someone, it didn’t matter much at all to him what the world at large said or thought of them.

So let’s imagine a world where he’s married to Elaine, a woman who was already blessed with acknowledged beauty and assets, in a era of girdles and privileged with a celebrity lifestyle, who had no desire to be a star or a model. She wanted to use her body up having kids and while they both may have been surprised at the toll at times, I think the fact that she had the luxury to just be in her skin, not trying to trim down for the next role or modeling gig would do wonders for her recovery and self esteem. It’s still brutal to be Elvis Presley’s wife, and let’s just say the late 60’s are an unkind time and the little movie star floozies keep getting younger and tinier and it’s all a bit of an ouch, but ultimately? -She is his wife, the love of his life and his rabid sentimentality does indeed translate to the marks and scars and testaments to the family they built now branded on her skin.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

(belated!) FEMSLASH FEBRUARY 2023 #10: In which Donna is up early, despite being on vacation

[CN: food]

.

.

Like clockwork, Cameron found herself happily waking up on that first morning out at Lake Tahoe early in the morning. She found it much easier to go to bed earlier, sleep soundly, and get up in the morning out at her trailer, too, and she’d wondered if it was because of all the electric light in Mountain View. Whatever the reason, Cameron was awake at 8 in the morning. 

For a while, she lay there, on her back, content, feeling sunlight streaming in through the windows of the cabin’s bedroom, and listening to birds singing and chirping. She was perfectly warm, the bed was perfectly soft, and Donna was curled up next to her on her side, pillow clutched under her head. Naturally, Donna was wearing her favorite pair of flannel pajamas, a set of moisturizing gloves and socks, and her beloved silk eye mask. To Cameron, everything about it felt just right. 

After about fifteen minutes, Cameron started to sit up. Softly, she said, “Hey. You wanna come sit outside with me?”

Donna didn’t answer at first. And then, groggily, she said, “…I love you, but no.”

Cameron grinned as she sat up fully and stretched her arms over her head. “Had to ask,” she said, before swinging her legs out of bed. She went to the chair near the bed and started to pull her favorite and oldest pair of jeans on over her boxer briefs. 

Donna peeled back the left side of her eye mask. She watched Cameron for a few seconds and said, “You are shockingly chipper after a very long day and night.”

Cameron grinned rakishly at her before pulling a thick blue sweater on over her undershirt. “I wore you out, then?”

“Well, we were also on a train for 7 hours yesterday. Because someone doesn’t think it’s really necessary to fly out here.”

“And it isn’t! Especially in these increasingly desperate times of climate crisis,” Cameron said, as she pulled on a pair of homemade wool socks.  She got up and strode back toward the bed, and then leaned over and kissed Donna on the cheek. “It’s part of the experience. See you at breakfast?”

“Mmmh. Enjoy the porch!” she said, before turning over and going back to sleep.

Cameron skipped toward the door, but quietly, stopping to grab the pair of binoculars she’d brought with her. She hung them around her neck as she stepped out into the hallway, and shut the door behind her.

She went out to the kitchen and started her usual Tahoe routine: she poured herself a bowl of cereal and put on a pot of coffee, and then she ran out into the living room and put on her sneakers, and then needlessly, enthusiastically rushed back to the kitchen, where she had her cereal standing up, over the sink, so she could gaze out at the window as she ate. When she was done she put the bowl in the sink, and then made a large mug of coffee. She went into the living room and pulled on a jacket, and a hat and a scarf and fingerless gloves that Donna, who had recently taken up knitting, had made for her. Finally, she went back to the kitchen, and grabbed her mug, and then headed straight toward the front door.

She stepped out as quietly as she could onto the porch, and sat silently on the top step. She looked out onto the lake, whose slate blue waters were calm. She then looked at the nearby trees, scanning their branches slowly and carefully. She couldn’t see any birds or nests, just squirrels and chipmunks. She sipped her coffee, and waited patiently, but alert, happy to be there and in no rush. 

Forty minutes later, Donna, now in her favorite sweatpants and favorite sweater, mug of coffee in hand emerged. Cameron was looking out at the lake, squinting through her binoculars. It was ridiculously endearing, perhaps the most endearing thing Cameron had ever done. Which, Donna though, was significant, considering how many endearing things she had seen Cameron do over the past fifteen years.

Cameron frowned. “Still too far away for me to make out what it was. But, hi,” she said quietly.

“See anything else?” Donna asked. “Did you see that purple bird that we saw in the summer?”

“I think she might have gone south for the winter,” Cameron said. “I did see a bright red cardinal, though! Which, I’ve seen them before. But it’s still nice.”

“We always see plenty of wildlife on our walks by the lake,” Donna patted Cameron’s shoulder. “We should go later. And, we can bring the bird guide book!”

“Sounds like a plan,” Cameron agreed.

“For now though,” Donna said, “I’m starving, can we make a ridiculously elaborate breakfast?”

Cameron didn’t answer right away, she was still looking out at the lake. She was smiling tentatively, hopeful, unconcerned with her everyday worries, for once. It was a good look for her, Donna, thought, and she had told her as much.

After a minute, Cameron said, “Yes, breakfast sounds great.”

Donna turned back toward the front door, and Cameron hesitated, and then followed. Donna put her arm around Cameron’s shoulder, and said, “Happy birthday month, baby.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Cameron beamed. “Thank you,” she whispered, as she let Donna pull her close and hug her tightly. 

[bovine-providence]

Make Me Yours, Part 5

[CWs: medical stuff]

Aside from the succulent used as a peace offering, Morel was careful to give ——— space for the next week, longing to speak with her but knowing that she was still hurt from his prior words. He hadn’t intended to hurt her, of course not; but he could see how she would misunderstand his wording. Hell, why did he phrase it that way? He needed another chance to explain to her what he meant, that he wanted to court her properly, but would she even give him a chance now? Though even if she rejected him, his mark on her would severely impact her love life. He had truly fucked up.

He wanted to fix all this, but he didn’t know how to even begin.

With all this swimming in his mind, he was surprised when he received a call from her a few days later.

>>>>

The doctor’s earliest time slot was later in the week, but at least it was in the week, ——— reasoned as she sat in the waiting room. When her name was called, she went through the motions of the weigh-in, explaining why she was there, and waiting some more in the exam room until the doctor appeared. Brief pleasantries, then down to business.

“I see you’re here about your suppressants?” The doctor checked.

“Yeah. They stopped working early last week,” ——— confirmed. “I ended up going through a heat unexpectedly.”

The doctor scribbled something down before looking up again.

“Well, suppressants are like any other medication. It’s natural for our bodies to develop a tolerance for it. That just means we either up the dose or switch suppressants,” the doctor explained kindly. “In order to determine the best route, we would need to run a urine test.”

“Alright, and if I do that today, when can I expect the results?” ——— checked, relieved that there was an apparently common reason for what happened.

“We can have it done in an hour, we’d just give you a call,” the doctor assured.

“Oh, alright. Yeah, let’s do that then.”

———’s last fifteen minutes at the doctor’s office passed uneventfully, going through with the test and signing some paperwork before leaving.

Once home, ——— considered what to do, before deciding on changing into pajamas. She still didn’t much feel like going out after what happened with Morel. They weren’t even in a relationship, so it shouldn’t hurt like it did. But then again, he did mark her, so that complicated matters. It sucked. ——— wandered into the kitchen, intent on making a cup of hot cocoa and using her favorite mug. That always made things better.

When her cell phone rang, the number identifying the caller to be the doctor’s office, ——— appreciated the break from her thoughts.

“———, we have the results,” the doctor began, “but unfortunately, we aren’t able to provide suppressants at this time.”

“Why not?” ——— didn’t like the careful tone the doctor was using. It meant bad news was coming.

“Well, the urine test showed that you’re about two weeks pregnant, and suppressants have been found to have adverse effects on pregnancies, such as stomach bleeding and miscarriage.”

“…What?” ——— felt lightheaded as the doctor repeated her words. “I have to go…”

——— hung up. She felt weird. Numb? She didn’t know. Hot cocoa suddenly seemed like a terrible idea. She needed water. She needed a hug.

She needed her alpha.

Sniffling, she swallowed and scrolled through her phone until she found Morel’s number. Her heart beat wildly inside her chest, maybe it was a heart attack. It wasn’t really, but still. She dialed the number, and it was only two rings when Morel picked up.

“———?” His confused tone reached her ear.

“You need to come over now,” she sniffled. “It’s really important. It can’t wait.”

She hung up before he could reply. Half-aware of what she was doing, ——— wandered into her bedroom to retrieve her favorite plushy. It was a pink cat, large enough to use as an occasional pillow. As she hugged it into her chest, she curled up on the bed and began to cry.

[astrologicalsstuff]

my kinda poly relationship explained through astrology part 2?

This one will focus more on our composite chart and our relationship with our relationship.

(I think this section is pretty toxic tbh but it takes a big turn when we see the third part)

Our third will be introduced in part 3.

So our composite rising is… Pisces and yes this friendship was delusional to say the least….

Our chart ruler fell in the 11th house and even-though we hung out a lot, we always found groups to hangout with as well. It was never just us but we were always in different groups. Our friendship being Pisces with neptune in the 11th was so real. Especially cause her moon would fall in the first house of our composite so her confused feelings were definitely prominent in all the friend groups we hangout with. We also spent A LOT of time drinking (Pisces energy). My stellium fell in the 5th house so it was mostly fun for me and I got a lot of random fun partners out of it.

Our composite moon falls in the third house so we talked A LOT about our feelings

Jupiter in the 5th house which means we spent a lot of time at parties and creating (we made music together) and yes for some reason sex we somehow always found someone to hangout with and I had never had as much sex as when she was in my life.

Mercury in the first our relationship had a lot of inside jokes and we spent a lot of time talking. Anyone would point it out.

I could tell she was very comfortable with our friendship and we spent a lot of time at my house.

Our sun Venus and Mars all fell in the 7th so our relationship definitely had a lot to do with our relationship with other people.

The friendship was about making more friends and expanding our social groups. We had many lovers, sexual partners, and friendships.

The libra sun and Venus made us very dynamic with a true care for maintaining balance. We were very receptive of each others feelings up until they couldn’t be communicated.

Her Scorpio Venus and Mars falling in our 8th House definitely showed that she was obsessed with me and the friendship. After ghosting me she started posting me a bunch saying how’s much she loved me and how I was her beautiful best friend and I just thought it was very superficial. I didn’t even see the post, a bunch of people sent it to me.

I will say I should have cut this friendship off sooner because all my friends started considering her a joke and she was kinda used for entertainment. But that’s more of the neptune in the 11th.

Also I have never felt this with a friend before but I genuinely felt like I didn’t like her. Normally I cut people out before I get to actually dislike them, but she just kept pushing I didn’t really mind her getting talked about this way. She became obsessed with my friends but they didn’t like her and I couldn’t tell her that to her face.

Also my ascendant falls in the second which means I did get a lot out of the relationship materially but I talked to her about it later and she said she never felt that way she said she didn’t have a problem with how much she provided for me.

[trivalentlinks]

abelia, edelweiss, camellia, aloe vera :)

Thank you so much for the ask <3 <3 <3

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

The first part no, but the second part, unfortunately, yes, in fact most of my jewelry.

I generally don't wear jewelry when I go out--can't actually remember the last time I did, possibly for a high school dance?

But when I go to a department store, I love to go look at all shiny jewelry and admire how much they shimmer in the light. And when I went with a parent, sometimes they'd be like, "you seem to like that $5 jewelry set, I'll get it for you", which they did because I was very hard to shop for and generally didn't like things.

And I did (and do) like the jewelry. I just... never really think to wear any.

Though sometimes as a kid I would put all of my jewelry on at once and pretend to be a treasure hunter/pirate who just found a pile of treasure. Think this:

(And sometimes when I consider getting rid of my little box of jewelry, I still just look at it and go. Hm. We could get rid of this. Or we could… see picture above.)

edelweiss ⇢ how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you?

My username's a bit of a riff on my previous username, bipartite-pairings, referring to a graph matching problem in CS, about pairing things up one-to-one, which I thought was appropriate for a blog about the Bruce Banner/Tony Stark ship. Two computer-sciencey people being paired together.

Trivalent is also a graph theory term: it means each node is connected to three others; when I started the blog I thought I'd ship OT3+1, centering on the node connected to three others. It later turned out that I didn't actually ship OT3+1, at least not romantically, oops, but kept the name anyway. (>_<)

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

I was a bit of a misfit when I was younger, and often hung out in a circle of misfits where I was still the misfit among them: the others in my social circle did theatre and D&D and I did not (beyond watching my friends' plays and occasionally foam-weapon sparring with someone who tried to throw a glove at the kid next to me but hit me instead).

I might be less of a misfit now, maybe? Though not substantially.

I was also very "not like other girls" throughout my teens. I never said it out loud, but I felt that way. My other social circle (besides the theatre crowd) consisted of people who were all very competitive at a couple things that I was also very competitive at.

They were very male-dominated fields: I was the only girl at my school competing, and in one of the fields, I was the last girl to compete internationally representing the US, and it's been more than a decade since I competed. (And the number of girls who have ever been on the US team can be counted on one hand.)

(Imagine a competitive starcraft player who never says she's "not like other girls", but she goes between two social circles, one as the non-artsy person in an artsy crowd and another in the competitive starcraft circle where she pretends not to notice that she's the only girl, but, hey, if anyone called her a girl, she could hand them their ass at starcraft. It does not occur to either her or them that this doesn't make her any less of a girl.)

I've mellowed out a lot on the not-like-other-girls front, for pretty much the same reason all the other girls outgrow this phase. Girls are just people; everyone's a little different, but we're all just people.

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

Close platonic friendships. Especially long-standing ones. My partner is my best friend and I love him and he's wonderful, but it's not the same, you know? He has a couple friends he talks to and plays video games with a few times a week (not for very long each time, but enough to catch up), and yeah, I get a little envious.

He went to school with these guys from age six to the end of high school, so he did have the advantage of living in the same small town until college, but I don't think this is the only reason. I think it's more that I just don't really know how to maintain long distance friendships? Like, I did make friends in high school and college, but we fell out of touch for the most part. We call each other maybe once or twice a year now, if at all.

On a more light-hearted note: Pets! I really want a pet cat. Never had a pet, always adored little furry animals. I'm hoping I'll be able to get one soon, since I'll be settling somewhere more permanent.

-

Thank you so much for asking <3

[thethingaboutdeath]

Ummm uhhh lemme ramble about my dead children and teenagers thank you very much

For starters they all come from the same village with a heavy anti-monster sentiment. It's not EVERY village who has this sentiment, just that particular village. Also it has some cult mentality in there

Under cut lol

Carmine Schmidt/Chara Dreemurr

Hope

Born Oct 13

9 at fall, 12 at death

AMAB NB | They/Them

Was considered 'cursed' therefore outcasted and picked on a lot

Liliana would constantly talk with (TO) them, talking about the Bible and try and 'cure' Chara of their curse

It only pissed them off and made them hate religion

Sometimes hung out with Liliana, Brooklyn, Jacklyn, Shannon, and Damien (they hated that.)

Went to the mountain to disappear and fell

We all know what happens next

Good intentions, horrible execution of plan

Trust them buttercup poisoning is an awful way to go

'Humans are dangerous and awful and shouldn't be trusted.'

Liliana Hernandez Garcia

Perseverance

Born Dec 24

11-13 at death

Cis girl | She/They

Raised in Catholic household

Friends with Brooklyn, Jacklyn, Shannon (Lyric's mother) and Damien (Lyric's father). They also considered Chara a friend (it was not reciprocated)

Stood up for Shannon when she was being bullied

Saw Asriel carry Chara's body and went to Mount Ebott for answers like three days later girlie are you stupid

Did a Very Rude Pacifist (wanted answers, not get all buddy-buddy with 'demons')

Brutally killed by a Royal Guard in Waterfall

Their death is what prompted Tori to leave

'Monsters are Ontologically Evil™ beasts' (doesn't actually know what ontologically evil means'

Brooklyn Jackson

Kindness

Born May 2

11-13 at death

AMAB NB | They/Them

Parents weren't all that great but their aunt and uncle were amazing

Pretty damn vegan

Was out of town the week Asriel came and Liliana went to Ebott so they were shocked to hear what happened

Went to Mount Ebott to collect herbs and try take their mind off of Liliana and Chara's disappearances

Did a Neutral (somebody (I mean somebodies) had to die)

Got heat stroke trying to outrun the Guard and died

Secretly agrees with Liliana's radical anti-monster sentiment (would never say it out loud)

'Monsters... Are something (Fucking beasts).'

Jacklyn McBean

Bravery

Born Aug 18

12-14 at death

Gender means nothing to this bitch but They/She

Just appeared one day and never left

Orphan up until age 10 they were adapted by this widowed man

Behavioral problems that were temporarily dealt with

Joined Da Squad somewhere around 4-5???

Okay okay either they were sent up to Ebott by the leader to 'put the demons in their place' or just randomly went up there

Either way she was incredibly reckless and hostile

28 killed, 14 injured

Either a Merciless Neutral or Aborted Genocide

Either way they got humbled halfway through Waterfall and decided to lay low

Got to Hotland and fought the gaurds with little to no healing items

Dumbass

'Monsters suck n all but I ain't better dan dem.'

Amari Chandler

Patience

Born Jan 28

10-12 at death

Cis guy | He/They

MAMA'S BOYYYYYYYYYYY

Friends with Lyric and Clover (besties)

Wanted to be a swordfighta

Found Chara's locket and dagger in the Ruins (the annoying dog happened) and replaced the ribbon and toy knife with those

Didn't really trust Toriel but stuck around the Ruins for almost a week before homesickness came in

Tried to betrayal kill Toriel, obviously failed because she's still alive

Bit of prick energy

Can cry on demand

Any monster who approached got the betrayal kill treatment

Just pretend to be this weak lil kid that wants to be left alone, and strike when their guard is down

6+ betrayal kills

Anyone else who just wants to chat was spared

Got to Asgore

Asked to leave

Nope.jpg

'They're demons. That's all they gonna be to me.' (Doesn't actually believe this, does he?)

Michelle 'Lyric' Chapman-Roffe

Integrity

Born April 18

12-15 at death

AFAB Librafeminine | They/He/She

For some reason, people really hate their entire family

Inherited Ma's birthmark, which people considered a Devil's Mark

Her older brother have unspecified developmental disorders

~~lyric autistic???~~~

Anyways people really hated the family

Well, save for a select few

Amari and Clover were, and still are, his besties

Daddy's Kid

Was pretty distraught at Amari being declared missing and later declared dead

Met this old widow who happened to be a former ballet instructor that's still in touch with plenty of her students

Free/reduced cost private ballet lessons

Shit went downhill tho

Old widow dies, ballet instructor forced to move away, Amari going missing, people hating the fam more

Despite his family and Clover's best efforts, their mental well-being continued to deteriorate

Until it became too much.

He went to Ebott and saw the hole and purposely fell in

They just randomly blurted out their name was Lyric when they met Goat Ma and she stuck with it

Toriel was friendly, too friendly in Lyric's eyes. Probably planning on eating them.

Explored the Ruins, trying to learn more about the place, fell into a bunch of dirt and ashes that refused to come off.

Anyways they managed to find an exit and entered Snowdin

Uh oh.png

Some monsters managed to recognize Lyric as human and saw the ashes + dirt that looked too similar to monster dust and assumed he killed someone because the results and pain of Jacklyn and Amari's actions were still fresh

Lyric tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears

Eventually one of them blurts out the whole 'Get seven human souls to shatter the barrier and destroy humanity' thing

That sets them off.

If treating these demons the way she wants to be treated isn't working, then he'll have to treat them as they treat her.

As enemies.

6 of them were killed, seven injured, the other three retreated.

The ruckus brought in a couple witnesses tho

All they saw was a human attacking a bunch of 'innocent' monsters and sounded the alarm

Couple minutes and tons of walking later Lyric eventually breaks down into tears, homesick, stressed, injured, mourning the loss of one of their dearest friends, the sort.

Dalv heard the crying and... Due to the fuckin snowstorm (and that he's bit of a dummy dum dum (affectionate)) couldn't make her out to be human

So he slowly approaches, using his magic to try and console them

It only triggers their fight or flight response and they chose fight

Kicks him in the vampballs

Goes on a tearful rant on how all monsters are the same

Dalv realizes that this is a stressed out child and not some mindless killing machine and tries to talk them down

Lyric isn't fucking having it and prepares to attack again (most likely because he's assuming Dalv is just trying to trick them)

Kanako jumps in, tries to deescalate the situation

Lyric realizes that they attacked an innocent person, in front of a child no less.

Gives the two some cinnamon bunnies, apologizes, heads out

We all know what happens next

haha they didn't die instantly to axis

Took a bit

Dalv had the misfortune of witnessing it

Yada yada yada chujin was a fuckin idiot bla bla bla Ceroba fucks up, ye ye ye soul released

'I'm not a big fan of monsters. At all.'

Alexander 'Clover' Armstrong

Justice

Born Feb 25

9-11 at death

AMAB Demigender | They/She/He

Has elements from UTY but with some deviations

First of all her parents weren't comically abusive but were horrible for each other and thus were horrible for them

Also lived in a worn down home on the outskirts

Had an older half sister Alexandra, or Ivy (Totally not from Undertale Ivy's Justice no) that went missing one day (not on Mount Ebott mind you)

Ma n pa stopped talking about her like she never existed

Anyway both parents were trying to turn Clover against each other

And they almost grew up too fast

Met Lyric and Amari and instantly got attached

The Chandlers and the Chapman-Roffes were more like family to him

Cowboy obsession

Fake southern accent

Amari went missing, they cried. Lyric went missing, they cried.

Where were they?

Are they ever gonna come back?

Where did they go?

To Mount Ebott.

So did several others.

Clover got tired of waiting and set off

First deviation is that they're more dead set on their mission and don't stay with Tori... That often.

Sometimes they found the Echo Flower containing Lyric's last words

Sometimes it's bits of their body rotting somewhere (don't ask)

Waterfall was the farthest they got before The Fuckin Flower intervened.

Classic UTY shit

Then the Petalled Bastard told Clover that Asgore has dat soul collection goin

They're pissed off because that must include the souls of their BEST FRIENDS!!!

You'd think that she'd go full Vengeance at that point but...

He surprisingly doesn't.

Most of the UTY shit happens but when she spared Ceroba, she said she's going to the damn castle anyway.

The gang try to talk him outta it but Gunhat serious as all hell

Ain't no way Asgore finna get away with killing (or ordering the killing of) their besties

Over their dead body.

Oh yeah clover fuckin dies to the GOAT

Martlet asks Asgore for Clover's gun n hat and Asgore obliges

The funeral happens

'Well Ah'll say, them monsters are a colorful bunch. Still really hate Asgore though.'

Freya 'Frisk' Sanders

Willpower, Determination, whatever

Born Nov 7

7-9 throughout the whole thing

AFAB Neutrois | Doesn't care about pronouns they mean nothing to Frisk

Actually scared of everything that's going on

That bored expression is just a front they're scared and wanna go home

Sans talking about how great of a job he did protecting them... most likely sarcasm, right?

Then he basically threatened them... And brushed it off as a joke.

What the fu-

Anyways they did an Extermination Route next reset because they're mad... Up until Papyrus which they spared. Still killed Undyne tho

Snas judgement, Asgore fight, Flowey absorbs the souls, reset.

Frisk figured that mass homicide wasn't a good idea and does True Pacifist

I got places to go -> I want absolutely nothing to do with... A lot of you. Some of you are fine.

Remember kids mass homicide doesn't solve shit

[abusedandromeda]

Picking Favorites

Hey y’all! I know I’ve been a little quiet but I’ve been a little busy irl. Also, due to some medication, my PTSD has been a little worse but it does help with depression so I can do more stuff. I’ve decided to write about my most recent memory and vent about it so here it goes!

It’s exactly like the title said: my birth mother had a favorite outside of the family. I really don’t wanna dox her, so we’ll just call her J. A little bit of backstory: We met during 4th grade and she was a little bit of a farm girl. She had to take care of chickens and a couple horses. Unfortunately, this does come into play later. My birth mother took a liking to her and got to know J’s mom as well. J was basically things that I lacked in: hard-work, pride, had a ton of friends and was very leaderlike. Compared to me, who was lazy, spoiled and dramatic.

Shit hit the fan in middle school. There was an incident that made me cut J out. No, there was no abuse involved or anything major. In fact, I don’t even blame J now but at the time, I disliked her but I figured after I had cooled down, maybe we could reconnect because the thing is she apologized over email over and over. I would’ve definitely talked to her again…if it weren’t for my birth mother. During this time, she made it known that she hated the fact that I wanted space. Never said I’d cut J out. Just wanted space. But over and over again, my birth mother would say “she was such a nice girl, you’re acting spoiled” or “you should be more like J. She was such a hard worker and had so much pride in her work.”

In fact, I remember I was with my bio grandparents over the summer trying to deal with high school registration and she tried to talk about J and how we should be friends again. When I didn’t respond, she yelled at me “being too prideful and spoiled” to the point where I wanted to cry. Again, she yelled at me for crying and being dramatic. (Very unrelated, but I felt guilty for leaving my birth mother last week and then I remember all this shit and knew I did the right thing. How’d she expect me to stay??)

Anyway, this made me go from disliking J to absolutely fucking hating her. Other than a couple differences in lifestyles and opinions, she wasn’t actually evil. Yeah, she was a hardworker. She was an average C student and took pretty good care of herself despite how many things she had to do in her life. Even though I found it odd at the time that we only played on our phones when we hung out, I realized now that that was one of the rare times she actually got to relax. When we did hang out, she was always moving when we weren’t in her room. So basically, she deserved none of the hate.

Thankfully, I rarely verbally took it out on her, but I did very much emotionally did. She was very hurt that I cut her out. She told me she was crying and at the time, I just didn’t care because I just hated her for basically being my birth mother’s daughter. She may as well have been because my birth mother had so many great things to say about her and none to say about me. But still, it just sucked ass because she didn’t deserve to feel like shit. While I don’t blame myself 100%, maybe just one email saying at some point that it wasn’t her fault or just something.

We did end up talking for a bit during high school, but not as often and we didn’t hang out after we started talking. Emotionally, I was pretty busy. Pretty sure I never told her of my plans to cut off my birth mother. So fast forward to when I cut off my birth mother, I did end up getting a message from her asking what was going on. I was honest and told her and mentioned that my birth mother really favored her and we ended up basically having a conversation where now why she was always so busy came up.

Basically, I MYSELF WAS HER MOTHER’S FAVORITE. I’m not sure if she mentioned the exact reason, but it may have been along the lines of school. Like I said, she was a C kid, which wasn’t bad at all considered what she did day to day. I couldn’t imagine maintaining a C and also having a farm to take care of but apparently that wasn’t good enough. I guess my birth mother mentioned me being an A and B kid and that was what her birth mother wanted. That’s just another reason why I figured nothing I did would ever be good enough for my birth mother. Because even if J was her real daughter, my birth mother would only find flaws in J. With abusive parents, they’ll always want more. The favorite child is only a comparison, not the standard for them. So it just sucked ass for both of us because even if both of our bio parents traded, it wouldn’t be enough for them.

It’s still so bewildering to me that no child would ever be enough. J woke up at like 5 in the morning before school to take of the farm and was passing in school and still had time for clubs and activities while I was a scholarly kid who also used to balance clubs and activities and yet it just wasn’t enough.

This might be a tough lesson but unfortunately, even if you became a carbon copy of your abusive parents’ favorite child, it won’t be enough. They’ll always demand more from you until you can’t perform so they can find all of your faults. Anyway, J and I don’t talk as often. We didn’t end up as friends due to other differences in lifestyles but the main reason would be because we were basically pitted against each other because we weren’t enough for our birth parents. I don’t remember the convo but hopefully I did apologize for being so cold😔.

Like I know it was my birth mother’s fault. I wouldn’t have hated J so much if it wasn’t for my birth mother but J also went through the same thing and still reached out :/.

Hopefully, though, my bio brother is enough for my bio mother but when I think about how she is nowadays, I highly doubt she’ll ever change. Anyways, sorry if this is a little more rushed lmao. It’s 11 and I haven’t eaten dinner and my food is here so night y’all!

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

He did see me. He told me he needed me to know how pretty he thinks I am. Not that you can see someone's features intimately as you pass them going 40 mph, but he said it counts for him. He was surprised to know I saw him, back/too.

We had a total solar eclipse the other day. A local distillery had a party for it, so I went before work with some friends. They had a tarot reader there, and I decided to pay for a 10-minute session. She asked me what I wanted to talk about, giving me some general, common questions. Ex. What's going on between you and a love interest/partner? So I said let's do that. What's going on with us? With him?

She used an oracle pack, a more serious one. As she shuffled, a card fell out. "I can't express myself." She said it was about him. I laughed at the relevance. She said, "Let's find out why." I told her he said it was because he never learned how.

She then began to shuffle her tarot deck. More cards began to fall. The tower - something really big had happened between us. The lovers - the love still there, but it's broken right now. Four of wands - it would require a lot of communication to fix. Ace of pentacles - there is hope. Knight of pentacles - but efforts are not being made. The emperor - on either end, because I'm trying to control the situation.

She said she could see I was struggling with what to do and asked if I was scared of being alone. I said no, because I'm not. I said I'm scared of never finding another relationship with this much intensity, in a good way. What I'm also scared of, really, is finding someone else and wasting more time. Be it because I will always compare something new to him, or that I invest more time into someone who won't appreciate me properly.

The advice? "I know this isn't what you're going to want to hear, but there is no wrong decision. Either choice will come to fruition." Ten of cups - it would take effort from both of us. Six of wands - but I would need to set strong boundaries. "If you choose not to be with him, you will be okay. If you choose to be with him, it will be okay IF you set and maintain strong boundaries." Strength - I need to know that I have the strength to make either decision.

I've spent the rest of that day and the couple since then thinking about instigating him to say something meaningful. Why does he want to keep in contact? Really. What does he want?? But to keep myself from doing so, I keep cherrypicking times I was left feeling so empty because of his carelessness, negligence, disrespect.

• The night I asked to go out with him and he told me, sorry, no, it's boy's night. Really, any time he went out and didn't invite me at all or agreed to meet up but much later on. I always crave him extra when I'm drunk. It's hard for me that he never considers me. • The time he asked to come see me on a Sunday afternoon, got to my house and he'd been drinking. He got off then left to continue drinking with his brother instead of staying with me. I was upset later that week, and he told me I could've come and hung out with them. When I said I wasn't going to invite myself, he said I should have. • The time I might've already mentioned when I asked to meet his children, and he said she said no, that he had to respect that. I don't believe he actually asked her. • The couple times we got into arguments about her tracking him down in the middle of the night. One of us always ending up walking away. There was a night in particular that he went outside to talk to her. When I found him on the phone, he tried to shoo me away, and I became reasonably but only mildly upset. I just wanted to know why he answered her call, and he wouldn't answer me. He immediately decided to leave. I blocked his way and tried to get him to relax, stay, and have a conversation with me, but he refused. I grabbed the front of his shirt and he pushed me away. He and his brother left. I followed him trying to persuade him to stay and please talk to me. His brother called me crazy.

Whether subtle omissions or blatant lies, they all hurt just the same. His lack of support, never prioritizing me... I can't text him.

[livusos]

CHAPTER 9:

LOYALTY TEST.

Can the judgement day prove their loyalty in this match but if not , what will happen?

Amore settled in front of her camera, adopting a dramatic pose as she began her vlog. Her head hung low in a dramatic display of despair. With an exaggerated sigh, she let out a loud whine, her voice echoing through the room. "Okay, guys, I have to get this off my chest because it's been eating away at me," she started, her tone exaggeratedly serious. "Was that not the most cringey encounter ever? I mean, seriously, at first, I was like, 'Wow, this is badass,' but then it just hit me, and oh my god..."

With a theatrical sigh, she dramatically slid off her chair and rolled onto the floor, lamenting her embarrassment. Raven, observing from the background, couldn't help but chuckle at her friend's antics, shaking her head in amusement. Amore was sprawled on the floor with her arms splayed out dramatically.

"This is why you can never pull off the nonchalant vibe," Raven teased, earning an indignant whine from Amore. "I can totally be nonchalant! He just... unfortunately caught me off guard," Amore protested weakly, her attempt at defense falling short.

"Somebody was flustered, huh?" Raven continued to tease, prompting another round of exaggerated protests from Amore.

After a few minutes of playful banter, Amore finally settled back in front of the camera, her expression thoughtful. "But seriously, guys, isn't it fishy that the Judgement Day suddenly wants to recruit us?" she pondered, her voice tinged with suspicion.

Raven, still scrolling on her phone, looked up, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, it does seem a bit too convenient," she added, her brows furrowing as she considered the situation alongside Amore.

Amore's gaze drifted off for a moment, her brow furrowing as she delved into her thoughts. She pondered Raven's suggestion, her mind grappling with the possibility of misjudging the situation. With a faint sigh, she shook her head, as if trying to dispel the cloud of doubt that hovered over her.

"But maybe we're just thinking too negatively," she voiced her contemplation, her words tinged with a hint of uncertainty. Her fingers tapped rhythmically against the tabletop as she mulled over the idea. "Just because we had a bad experience in the past doesn't mean this will be the same," she reasoned, her voice growing more resolute with each word. "Maybe they're genuine."

Meanwhile, Raven leaned against the wall, her arms folded across her chest as she listened intently to Amore's musings. A thoughtful expression crossed her features, mirroring the weightiness of the conversation. "Yeah, you might be right on that," she conceded, her tone measured. "We tend to overanalyze things too much, so I hope your words will come true later on tonight."

Amore's sudden shift in demeanor broke the moment of seriousness, her eyes twinkling with mischief as she glanced over at the camera. "Lowkey, I could be a good-ass motivational speaker," she declared with a playful grin, injecting a dose of levity into the atmosphere.

The camera captured Raven's exasperated response perfectly as she rolled her eyes and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Shut the hell up," she retorted, her words laced with mock annoyance, though a hint of amusement danced in her eyes. Their banter served as a brief respite from the weightiness of their earlier discussion, showcasing the dynamic between the two best friends.

Time seemed to fly by as they stood at the side of the ring, watching Rhea Ripley launch a relentless assault on Nia Jax. The intensity of the match was palpable, and it was clear that things were only going to escalate further. Each blow exchanged between the two women echoed through the arena.

As the minutes ticked by, the tension inside the ring escalated to a crescendo. Amore found herself relentlessly targeted by Becky Lynch, who launched a relentless assault, driven by determination to overpower her opponent. Every blow landed with precision, driving Amore back against the ropes.

From the sidelines, Dominik couldn't bear to watch his ally being cornered and pummeled. With adrenaline coursing through his veins, he sprang into action, darting towards the ring with urgency in his strides. The crowd erupted into a frenzy as Dominik confronted Becky, his voice ringing out above the chaos as he demanded she cease her assault on Amore.

In a bold move, Dominik reached out and grabbed Becky's shoe, tugging at it with all his might in an attempt to disrupt her focus. His actions were met with a mixture of surprise and confusion, creating a momentary distraction that allowed Amore an opportunity to fight back.

As Dominik's voice pierced through the chaos of the match, Becky's focus shifted momentarily, affording Amore a split-second opportunity. With a quick, calculated movement, Amore lunged forward and delivered a powerful blow to the back of Becky's head, staggering the Irish wrestler. Seizing the advantage, Amore unleashed a relentless barrage of strikes, each fueled by the pent-up frustration and rage bubbling inside her.

The crowd erupted with excitement as they witnessed a side of Amore they hadn't seen before – fierce, determined, and unyielding. Gone was the usual gentle demeanor; in its place that demeanor was replaced by rage. With every punch, kick, and slam, Amore asserted her dominance, commanding the ring with an intensity that captivated the audience.

Despite Becky's attempts to regain control, Amore's relentless assault continued unabated. Each blow landed with precision, fueled by a raw determination to emerge victorious. The cheers of the crowd spurred her on, amplifying her resolve and pushing her to new heights of ferocity.

Dominik's smirk widened as he watched Amore unleash her fury upon Becky Lynch, his pride evident in every line of his face. Despite the chaos unfolding in the ring, his gaze remained fixed on Amore, a silent testament to his unwavering belief in her abilities.

Rhea Ripley, too, found herself taken aback by Amore's sudden display of aggression. The usually composed and formidable leader of the Judgement Day couldn't help but be impressed by the ferocity with which Amore fought, a spark of admiration flickering in her eyes.

Meanwhile, Raven stood at the sidelines, her expression a mixture of pride and satisfaction. She had always known that Amore possessed a fierce determination beneath her cheerful exterior, and now, seeing her unleash it upon her opponent, Raven couldn't help but feel a surge of pride swell within her.

As the match unfolded, Damian Priest and Finn Balor joined in the applause, their admiration for Amore's performance evident in the enthusiastic clapping of their hands. Even the members of the Judgement Day, though they maintained their stoic demeanor, couldn't help but acknowledge the sheer skill and tenacity displayed by Amore in the ring. JD was the only one who silently watched Amore without saying a single word.

With adrenaline coursing through her veins, Amore summoned every ounce of strength left in her exhausted body as she climbed the ropes, the cheers of the crowd echoing in her ears. With a deep breath, she steadied herself, her heart pounding in anticipation of what was to come.

As she reached the top rope, Amore paused for a moment, her gaze locked on her opponent below. Then, without hesitation, she launched herself into the air, executing a flawless backflip before descending upon Becky Lynch with breathtaking precision.

The crowd erupted into a deafening roar, their cheers echoing throughout the arena as they witnessed the spectacular display of athleticism unfold before their eyes. Among them, Pat McAfee, one of the commentators, couldn't contain his excitement as he shouted into the microphone, "SHE DID THE MOONSAULT!!"

With the taste of victory tantalizingly close, Amore summoned the last reserves of her energy, dragging her weary body atop Becky for the pin. The referee's hand descended, "1... 2..." but before it could reach the final count, Bayley's sudden interference shattered the anticipation, disrupting the referee's count.

A surge of anger coursed through Amore as she felt the impact of Bayley's attack, the pain radiating through her exhausted body. But before she could fully comprehend what was happening, the arena erupted into chaos as Raven, fueled by a fierce determination, stormed into the ring.

With a primal roar, Raven launched herself at Bayley, unleashing a flurry of punishing blows. The two women locked in a fierce struggle, their bodies colliding with a resounding impact as they battled for dominance in the ring.

Meanwhile, Amore lay on the mat, her chest heaving with exertion as she watched the chaos unfold before her. Despite the fatigue that threatened to overwhelm her, a fierce determination burned in her eyes as she prepared to join the chaos.

As chaos reigned inside the ring, Rhea found herself locked in a brutal exchange with Nia Jax, the sheer force of their blows reverberating throughout the arena. Despite her best efforts, Rhea was beginning to falter, her strength waning under the relentless assault of her opponent.

Meanwhile, Amore, sensing an opportunity to turn the tide, summoned the last reserves of her energy and slid out of the ring. With determination etched across her features, she reached beneath the ring apron, her fingers wrapping around the cold steel of a steel chair.

With a steely resolve, Amore reentered the fray, the chair raised high above her head as she closed in on Nia Jax. With a resounding clang, she brought the chair crashing down upon Nia's back, the impact echoing throughout the arena.

Again and again, Amore delivered punishing blows, each strike fueled by a fierce determination to protect her ally. As Nia staggered under the onslaught, Rhea's exhaustion gave way to a grateful smile, her spirits lifted by Amore's timely intervention.

Amore's back pressed against the unforgiving steel of the ring steps, exhaustion threatening to consume her. Yet, in the midst of her weariness, she heard Raven's urgent cry, her voice slicing through the chaos of the arena.

Without hesitation, Amore summoned the last vestiges of her strength and reached out to tag Raven, her fingers brushing against Raven's outstretched hand. With a sense of relief washing over her, Amore collapsed against the steps, her breathing labored as Raven entered the ring, a fierce determination burning in her eyes.

As Raven assumed her position in the ring, a smirk played upon her lips, her gaze fixated on Bayley. With a burst of energy, Raven launched herself into action, her movements fluid and precise as she closed in on her target.

With lightning speed, Raven seized Bayley by the head, her grip unyielding as she executed a picture-perfect cutter. The impact reverberated throughout the arena, the crowd erupting into a frenzy of cheers and applause.

In the midst of the chaos, Rhea watched on with a proud smirk, her confidence in her teammates unwavering. Meanwhile, the commentators' voices rang out in excitement, their exclamations punctuating the electrifying atmosphere of the match.

"The RKO?! Raven just pulled off the RKO!" they cried, their words echoing across the arena as Raven's stunning RKO sent shockwaves through the wrestling world.

With Bayley pinned beneath her, Raven wasted no time in seizing the opportunity to secure the victory. As the referee began the count, Amore's eyes darted across the ring, her senses heightened as she spotted Becky Lynch attempting to intervene.

Instinctively, Amore rose to her feet, determination coursing through her veins as she prepared to stop Becky's interference. Yet, before she could make her move, Damian intervened, his swift actions catching Becky off guard as he grabbed her legs and dragged her out of the ring.

With Becky momentarily distracted, Raven continued her relentless assault, the referee's hand striking the canvas in rapid succession. The crowd's cheers reached a crescendo as the referee's count reached its final, signaling the end of the match and the victory for Amore, Raven and Rhea.

As the final bell rang, signaling their hard-earned victory, the crowd erupted into a deafening roar of cheers and applause. Amore, Raven, and Rhea basked in the adulation of the audience, their triumph resonating throughout the arena.

With effortless grace, Rhea Ripley glided into the ring, a victorious smile gracing her lips as she approached Raven. Extending her hand, she pulled Raven to her feet, a wink exchanged between the two competitors. Raven's flirtatious smirk only added more tension.

Meanwhile, Dominik made his way to Amore's side, offering his support as she gingerly climbed back into the ring. Despite the bruises and exhaustion, Amore wore a proud smile, her spirits lifted by the overwhelming support of her teammates and the cheering crowd.

Joined by Damian, Finn, and JD, the proud trio stood united in the center of the ring, their hands raised in victory. Together, they celebrated their hard-fought win

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... December 26, 22

I figured I should give probably my last dear future self of 2022. So here’s a recap of my life as of today to remember and reflect on. As much as I know and remember this year very clearly and all the changes, I’m still excited to read back on the year and see what I’ve written. Let’s start with my work because lets be honest, it’s been chaotic. I’m still working for YCH, surprise surprise. My replacement quit a couple weeks back so I stepped in again to pick up the weight and continue with all that I was doing before. I’ve been working roughly 3 days a week while still working “full time” with Ed. Which has also been pretty amazing so far. I’ve been learning a lot and it’s been a vast variety of jobs. I sat down with him Friday to review everything and see where things are going in 2023 and I’m excited. As much as I do love the variety and doing so many different things, I’m actually happy that we’re cutting back on the several different companies and scaling it back to only a couple. He’s burnt out and I really see it. I can’t imagine his workload and it’s refreshing that he reminds me that I do take a lot off his plate but I still feel like I’m constantly harassing him with these little things that I’m not sure how to answer. Regardless, we’re cutting back Havii, Qortex and eventually startups and that will be interesting. It’ll be exciting to work for GSU, honestly, the whole Organizational Development is mind-blowing and so intelligent that I really just hope to be learning this stuff along the way so I can apply it in my own life and areas. I really appreciate Chrystal though, even though I haven’t been hitting my “24″ hours a week she’s still been keeping me on benefits and man is that such a huge relief to not think about. Obviously the extra money is a big bonus as I’m really trying to set my life up financially and for my future. I recall one of my personal goals this year was to pay off my line of credit that Trav helped wrack up and have $5k in savings. I remember at the start of the year I thought that was pathetic. To have a $5k goal, thinking everyone should really have that as a back up at minimum but gave myself grace in understanding the ridiculous world we live in and the debt that everyone carries so I reassured myself that was a pretty reasonable goal for myself considering the $12k line of credit that still hung over my head at the time. I’m proud of myself that I’ve hit that goal. With being paid out from Travis (regardless that I got the absolute SHIT end of the stick here and fucked myself over but at least I’m done with that chapter), my LOC is paid off (again within reason as lawyer fees are damn expensive and I could simply pay the last $2k I put on it a few months ago but am hoping the payments will reflect in bettering my credit that Travis also fucked over royally). But with that being said, with working two jobs just about the entire year so far, I have saved up at least $5k in savings above paying off my LOC. As much as it’s exhausting working two jobs, I don’t know if I’d prefer it differently. Being able to put more money away to provide for myself and my future is my goal and if that means hustling now so that I can set myself up for later than really why wouldn’t I? I just still need to find the balance and take care of myself. - Working on that. Relationship wise - that’s been a damn interesting one this year. I really deep down know I did make the right call with ending things with Richardt. As hard as it still is. Even the last day or two I’ve been catching myself wondering when he’s online, checking my messages in case he texted. I have to stop. I’m mad at myself because before when I had made my decision and leading upto when I was telling him that my decision was still in place a week later I had felt good. I felt like I was actually emotionally getting over it and had stopped waiting and wondering if he was going to text. Now that we’re “Friends” I’ve found myself going back into always checking on him and fuck do I need to stop. I cut soul ties this morning (should have done a while ago) and really just need to be praying to God that he helps redirect my mind everytime I catch myself thinking I need to check. It’s frustrating. That he tells me that he wants to talk everyday and “why can’t we? Id really love to” and now it’s like I wait for his messages or his replies and when he doesn’t my head spins into distrusting him. Man am I still so damn broken. Not trusting anyone. I went from actually trusting him probably more than I’ve trusted most or ever in a relationship for that matter, to now as much as he wants my entire trust now and to “get to know me” it’s almost like I trust him less. It’s probably anxiety and just creating stories in my head of what might be going on etc but it’s exhausting and I need to stop. I need to care less. I need to focus on God and sorting those distrust and broken spirit as a priority over any man. It sucks as I do feel lonely and I know I’ve somewhat done that to myself but I really hope that this next year will bring some new friendships, healthy ones, to build into.  Which this leads into friendships. I know I’ve sucked royally at being a friend this year, again trying to balance everything while understanding about being a Highly Sensitive Person has been a struggle to balance. It’s been too much for me and I know I’ve always been the one to have few friendships because I rather them go deep than go “wide” in multiple but I really crave that connection. I made one pretty good one with Amber the last few months. She’s really sweet and so much fun. We literally just talk for hours and it’s been refreshing that she’s put in effort into making plans.  As nerve-wracking as it is, I am going to reach out to the Young Adults group with church so that I can really connect with Christians. I really need that in my life.  Family - that’s been an interesting one this year. I felt real alone this year with our family dynamic dwindling. It honestly probably was the hardest year in having to deal with that. Almost reminds me back to when I left home and Steve reinforced that no one from the family talk to me. BUT I had prayed so much the last few months if I should reach out to Steven and finally when my mom said she reached out and he had responded, I felt that it was time. Thank Jesus for that. I’m honestly so excited to see them tomorrow night. I really pray that we can reconcile and start rebuilding our relationship because I’ve missed them the most this year for sure. My relationship with Meliss has had it’s moments. I still am concerned about her. She’s definitely struggled the last couple years and this last year has been really hard to watch with her. I should be praying for her more. Overall I’m happy and blessed that our relationship has really just gotten so much stronger this year. So many different things have brought us so much closer together. It’s like I keep wondering how we could get any closure and then we do and I’m just amazed and blessed.  Overall, I’m not exactly where I thought I would be at this time. Although, I also didn’t really look forward and think I’d be anywhere specifically and really had no idea what this year had in store for me anyways, but I guess I thought life would look a little different than what it is. It’s still okay. Doesn’t mean I’m not happy.  I am happy. I know a couple weeks back I said I wasn’t but the last couple weeks I’ve feeling blessed and happy that at least I feel that I’m moving back into the right direction again. As much as I can be upset with myself that I’m not farther along in several different aspects, I’m still proud of where I’m at today and how far I have come, especially through all the troubles and messes of this year. I really want to focus on my relationship with God this next year. I want to get back into focusing on the things that bless my spirit. I did a lot of them earlier this year and I feel like because winter is here and I’m not outside enjoying nature as much that’s why I feel like I haven’t been doing anything I enjoy but I also want to focus back into drawing, reading and building those deep connections. I’m excited for this next year. I hate making goals because I feel like it’s stupid to be making them at the end of the year and that you don’t need to wait for the year to be over to make goals etc. But I do want to take the time to reflect this week and see what kind of goals that I want to achieve and work todays this next year.

[monomorphilogical]

Truth, or die?

I remember in bible study, when I was eight or nine, we were taught about the time when those who believed in God were arrested, and consequently murdered.

Growing up religious had desensitised me, like it did all the other kids, from the murder, torture, and body gore that occurred in history. Every Sunday I'd draw in my little notebook, bored and antsy from sitting still, while the preacher told these stories in that loud, booming voice of his. Most stories were like the tale of Daniel, who was thrown in the lion's den to die, or perhaps they were worse; people hung and banished, stoned to death, eaten by vultures and sacrificed on altars.

Torture and murder were spoken about so much, it didn’t faze the children in church anymore. As the adults would often tack on at the end; ''These things happened, back then, it used to be very normal.'' And it was only later, outside of church, that I realised these weren’t considered normal stories to be told at eight.

But at the time, when the teacher stood up and asked us what we would do had we been in that situation, I hadn’t considered it strange at all.

She had asked if we would deny our God, and get a chance of release (thereby surviving), or if we’d stay true to our religion (knowing we’d be murdered for it). I remember us all standing in a line, everyone truthfully saying they found it a difficult decision. Eventually, most children chose to lie and stay alive, though they felt guilty for it. The teacher nodded, “It’s completely understandable.” She’d said. “I’d want to live, too.”

When it was my turn, I chose to speak the truth, staying true to my faith. It wasn’t because I was such a good christian (I was perhaps the worst one in the room), but my decision was based upon my indifference towards death, on top of that, it seemed like the most radical decision to make. In my child-like reasoning, I’d be dying for a cause, a cause with good morale, and simultaneously sticking it to the man. This, to me, felt like a better way to go than choking on a chicken bone at eighty-three.

The teacher smiled that know-better smile at me; “Believe me, if you were there, you’d be too scared to tell the truth!” She had said, and I had stubbornly shaken my head. “I don’t think so, I’m not scared.” I answered.

I'd known, then, that I wasn't taken seriously. Surely not, I haven't yet had a taste of the world, no less death, and there I was; eight years old and stubbornly denying any fear. And as years would pass, I'd understand better, change my answer, laugh at my child-like antics.

But years did pass, and I still would choose death, though it be a righteous death. Often I wonder, if it were the stories of religious horrors that made me so indifferent towards life's horrors, or if it were the way I was born. Or maybe these aren't to be wondered at all, maybe all there is to it, is to live with the way you've become.

I do believe that growing up in church ignites you earlier; either walking the path that is in front of you straight-footed and unsure; or violently kicking every rock you come across and scuffing your knees against the gravel as some form of punishment (be it your own, or that of everyone around you). Either way you turn out, you burn out quicker, too; be it in dust and smoke, or from blood and bones.