#I found a depressed bitch in my tree

[invisiblearsonist]

i think I’m funny sometimes. but look at the loki tree 🥰

[autisticshadowthehedgehog]

rewatching sonic twittok takeover #7 and there were some fucking GEMS of moments in here that i just kinda forgot about so recap

the boys were being SUCH boys in this one. making fart jokes and getting knuckles to hit himself was SO funny

shadow says his favorite flowers are lantanas

knuckles says she wants to see a version of sonic with laser eyes. nobody tell him about fleetway

tails "i hope there's a sonic that's my best friend <3 oH WAIT <3 THAT'S YOU!!! :D"

knuckles's answer to "what's under your gloves" is "what are you, a cop?" he implies this question is invasive

tails describes his own fur as "yellow-orange"

in the "sonic's dream" question, it's implied that sonic is a lil bit needy for attention. also knuckles mentioned he had a dream that the master emerald was talking to him

eggman has seen the incredibles

knuckles also made a ref to "so you're saying there's a chance" which implies he might've seen dumb and dumber. it's also a jim carrey reference

the team makes fun of knuckles for having a crush on rouge (whether or not he actually has a crush or if they're just annoying him on purpose is never stated, but tails did say knuckles bought her daisies. which is funny bc where the hell did knuckles get that money. tails also says he knows bc "he's a gossip")

knuckles refers to himself as "knuckles echidna", which probably wasn't an intentional reference to satam/underground sonic being "sonic hedgehog" but i appreciated it

knuckles once found shadow standing and staring silently at the trees of luminous forest and immediately, without question, started standing there staring with him

tails tries to suck up to razer gaming computers' official account which is really cute

tails gets dizzy during spin-dashing. amy used to but got used to it. sonic was really surprised to hear this

IF WE ALL DON'T REMEMBER THE TAILS "FEAR OF THUNDER" QUESTION WHAT EVEN ARE WE. tails homeless canon

tails says he admires eggman's work ethic and that made eggman emotional bc he doesn't get complimented much

when asked what eggman's fursona would be, amy suggested a fox or a wolf, sonic suggested a sloth or a baby flicky, which made me think of that one @neurotypical-sonic post

knuckles immediately tells a knuckles fan that he's a "terrible role-model" and he shouldn't have fans. then says of his personality: "everything sucks."

amy calls her fortune cards a hyperfixation, which implies that she's canonically neurodivergent

knuckles tries to steal amy's fortune card that has the master emerald on it

amy confirms that her bracelets aren't inhibitor rings which is funny cause that's like, an old 2020 post of mine lmao

amy claims shadow had fun at the hot honey concert and then asks sonic if he was jealous. sonic then proceeded to say that he's great company at a concert. amy invites everyone to a concert and knuckles says he wants to be in the mosh pit. tails says he wants to practice his line dance

when asked how he feels about shadow, tails calls him a misunderstood tragic hero and immediately points out that he's lost someone close to him and been "grappling with that for years."

HYSTERICAL moment when someone asks for rings and knuckles immediately punches sonic and steals his rings

eggman can't even remember starline's name. like bro you killed him

when asked about winter activities, knuckles likes snowball fights, sonic likes snowboarding, amy likes holiday decorating (and is one of the bitches who starts November 1), eggman says seasonal depression gives him great ideas, and tails didn't say anyth

sonic likes trains and supporting public transportation

sonic says he loves sleeping. eggman's been trying "intermittent sleep" which isnt going well

"would you guys like sonic if he was a worm" amy and tails say they would, knuckles says he wouldn't. sonic then quips that amy is a lil scared of bugs

vanilla apparently is constantly inviting the entire sonic squad for dinner. they seem to go over regularly

eggman eats paint

knuckles isn't allowed on the internet without supervision since the "incident."

amy and tails want to be more independent, knuckles wants to be less so.

"if you could swap roles with someone for an entire day, who would you choose" tails wanted eggman in order to get a hold with his tech

"is it painful to give knuckles a fist bump or a handshake" yes

eggman did indeed dissolve GUN during forces

it's implied tails knows what five nights at freddy's is. sonic freddy fazbear will be AT the fridge

sonic liked fighting fang and the end (which he referred to as a narcissistic planet), tails liked fighting chaos cause he "came into his own" during that game, amy says neo metal sonic gave her a headache, and knuckles says he has fought a lot of ghosts

eggman's goggles are for wind protection and style

tails's tails don't get tangled bc he's careful

trip has still been on the northstar islands this whole time. girl really looked out at the planet broken into shards and said "not my fucking problem"

[sunandsstars]

YAWNETU

CHAPTER 4

Jake x Neytiri x Na’vi!Reader

Summary: One other mate was enough, but two? Unneeded. ___ was the outcast, the unwanted woman. Jake and Neytiri wouldn’t ever see her..right? Warnings: Pregnancy, Angst, Insinuating depression, Mentions of death, Wounds Word count: 2.9k

A/N: Here it is guys! I’m loving the support for the series and rly enjoy reading what you send into my asks. Keep them coming!

Taglist: @itsyoboysparkel @dumb-fawkin-bitch @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @fanboyluvr @mooniequeen @berrybluez @bajadotcom @alwaysinwritersblock @pandoragalora @perfectprofessorloverapricot @lvrcpid @answer-the-sirens @phantomalex14 @neteyamforlife @bat1212 @sadforeversblog @ducks118 @cleverzonkwombatsludge @1800imgay @soushswag @honeybxes @lola-bunn1 @alldaysdreamers @doggodorime @theesexystallion @scarlettwch @annamarieisbae @wallpaintt @zatarias-pandora @daoyus @ambria @simp-erformarvelwomen @simpliheavenli @tojidilfs @automaticwizardnerd @lexasaurs634 @symptoms-of-moonlight @avtprint @deviismynamewritingismygame @sunrays404 @tsireyassgurl @xx-kaitlyn-trixx-xx @that-one-daydreamer @yeosxxx @noname2246 @ok-boke @rubyrubyruuu @diosmilkymommers @annaleesworld @jiminsthickthighs @holysaladapricothero @peaches-peach-peach @enochi @thispussyshouldcomew @ihonestlydontknowwhattonamethis @kirisimpster @pompompomegranate @stevebuckysdoll

The months went by quick, too quick. Every day was the same for ___, wake up early, do her chores, eat and go to bed. It was a cycle that was never ending and the days started to drag.

Especially since she became swollen with her baby.

The day she found out was one that brought her happiness for the first time in what felt like forever. Mo’at noticed a change, she got tired quicker, her cravings changed her appetite in food and she was more emotional.

“Ma ‘ite, you are with child” the elder grinned, hand on her stomach and pressing down to feel the tiny bump in her skin. ___’s eyes welled up with tears, a smile crawling it’s way onto her face as she giggled and grabbed her mother in laws hand. “The great mother shines upon you, sweet one”

Immediately the woman had to tell her mates, but she hesitated. They have been cruel to her since that day under the tree of souls, the harsh words and hands never stopping their ministrations. It became too much for her and often the Na’vi sought comfort in the woods, where she met Norm and Spider.

The child was a home away from home, her comfort during dark days. Norm often let her have days alone together where she would take the toddler to find fruit, swim in the nearby lakes or show him the beauty of his home. He was her light and she vowed to take care of him. In some ways they were the same, abandoned and alone.

When ___ did end up letting Neytiri and Jake know of her condition, they glowered at her and the female warrior had to step out of their home. Her hormones were often full of anger, taking out her voice on anyone who dared cross her and the healer was often the backend of it. But for Jake’s sake she stepped out for some air.

“We can get rid of it” they were words that were most unexpected, the voice harsh and yellow eyes glared into her own watering ones. Jake and his wife did not want a child from her, they did not need one, he had one on the way and another is one that he just can not and will not take care of. “Mo’at should have something to abort it, go to her”

She’s never stuck up for herself against them, not after the first time. Fear kept her on her knees and she never once talked back. But she had to this time, the words almost forcing themselves out of her.

“No”

“No?” Jake stepped up to her and raised a brow when she didn’t back down.

“No. I will not” her English was heavily accented but was understandable, she brought her hands to her belly as if to protect the growing life from the incoming punches, not wanting her baby to be subjected to the same abuse.

“If you grow that thing we will have nothing to do with it” Jake turned and walked out. His point was made and his statement was clear. They were not her mates and had no custody over her child. ___ held her hands over her mouth as she whimpered quietly, the pain in her heart grew every day and the stress of her incoming pregnancy weighed her down.

They did not celebrate or announce her pregnancy to the clan.

Mo’at was confused, Jake was most happy to shout it out to the whole moon of his future child with Neytiri, why is he not doing the same with ___? Every time she tried to ask the clan leader he seemed to dodge away from her, avoiding any chance to talk. She will get to him for Eywa’s sake.

But if he and her daughter will not speak, she will go to their sweet mate. The Tsahìk found her by one of the rivers near Hellsgate, a small human boy situated on her lap as she spoke to him in both English and Na’vi, pointing at the fish swimming by their feet. Mo’at smiled at them, keeping her steps silent, she has heard of the rowdy boy living amongst the scientists, but has yet to introduce herself to him.

She made a small chirp as to alert them and watched as ___ moved her head back to see who it was and when she saw, her eyes lit up. “Ma Sa’nok, come” she beckoned the woman over and patted the spot next to her. Spider watched as the other lady sat down next to them and took notice of the many beads on her, reaching a tiny hand out to touch one that dangled by her side.

Mo’at chuckled at the child, silently asking ___ if she can pick him up. Once she got the go ahead the elder held him as if he was any other Omaticayan baby, letting him explore the garments she wore. “I thought you would be here, but I did not anticipate another”

“He is Spider, ma sa’nok. One of the children the humans look after” ___ chuckled as the toddler put a bead in his mouth, shooting the women a giggle when they cooed at him. “He is sweet, yes?”

Mo’at could not help but agree, nodding her head as she took one of her hands and placed it against her daughters stomach, right where the tiny bump was. “It has not been announced. Lumpe?” she gave ___ a critiqued look as she awaited an answer.

The woman sighed and watched the fish in the water swirling between her feet, “we have decided to keep it private, for my sake. You know I dislike being in the spotlight like that” she lied and it was obvious. ___ winced as the elder reached up to pinch the tip of her ear.

“You cannot lie to a Tsahìk, we see all” Mo’at glanced out into the forest, watching as the leaves swayed in the breeze and the insects crawl on the trunks of the trees. “I ask again. Why?”

“If you see all, then surely you must know” her ear was pinched again. Yellow eyes connected and ___ sighed, she was afraid to tell her mother in law the truth, afraid that once she did she would be deemed a liar and outcasted by her too. “They did not want too…they do not see my baby as theirs. They do not see me as theirs…” she whispered finally, deciding to let it out into the open.

“I knew it. The bruises, the way they never look at you, they do not care for you. And this? This is them failing to see” the Tsahìk growled but quieted down when the boy in her arms shifted, looking up at her with wide eyes. She patted his head and turned back to ___ who quickly wiped her eyes. “I will speak to-“

“Kehe. I do not want this getting out of hand”

“You need help ma ‘ite” but the woman was insistent, begging Mo’at to let her sort it out on her own. With this baby they will eventually see reason.

They both hoped what she said would be true.

“What did I say?!” Neytiri shouted at the other woman, hissing in her direction and pointing to the basket of beads “you do not touch those! You will NEVER touch those!”. The beads in question belonged to Sylwanin, her dead sister. ___ thought she could just look through them and find a bead for her baby, she knew it was what her old friend would have allowed and have been honoured by.

“She was my friend…” the woman whispered, ears down, hands placed on her swollen belly, rubbing soothingly as to hopefully calm the movement. Na’vi babies grow fast and already Neytiri was nearing the end of her pregnancy with only less than a month left. Not long after ___ would give birth to hers, but for now they continue to turn and kick, responding to their mama’s words and touches.

“She WAS your friend! Not now! Not any more! But she was and will be my sister! Even after death! You have no one, not anymore” Neytiri picked up the basket and placed it on the far end of their home, by their hammock and away from ___’s. Ever since Mo’at found of her conditions, she made sure a suitable bed was given for her to sleep in, a floor was no place for a budding mother.

___ softly cried, her emotions getting out of hand, she picked one hand off of her stomach and wiped her dropping tears. Sylwanin was like a sister to her too, she deserved to have something on her in her memory. Like the bracelet that was on her wrist, the one that they made together as children.

It was as if the warrior could read her mind because she stalked up to the woman and grabbed her arm, eying the beaded string wrapping around the appendage. Neytiri wasted no time and grabbed it as hard as she could, pulling it and watching as the tiny bits of stone clattered around the floor, dropping the twine that weaved through them. “She is not yours to honour! How can you after all that happened?!”

___ cried harder, soft sounds turning into loud sobs as she fell to her knees and tried to pick up the pieces of what was left. “No! Why?! Why must you do this?!” her words earned her a shove to her back from a foot pushing onto her chest.

Neytiri screamed at her “YOU KNOW WHY! You do not deserve happiness! Do not deserve that thing inside you!” having enough, the tsakarem left, climbing down the tree with her fathers bow, going to hunt to cool herself down. If she stayed she did not know what other damage she will do towards the woman.

“Sylwanin, I am sorry” the woman stayed curled up on the floor weeping, looking at one of the beads on the floor in front of her and taking it into her hand, holding it close to her heart. She could not deal with this pain in her heart any more, she needed to take her mind off of it. She could not see spider in this state, the boy, despite a human, has grown significantly. He is already the age of two years and is able to have short conversations with her. If he saw her upset he will become sad too, and she hated to see him sad.

___ carefully got up from the floor, sweeping the beads and taking the broken string, moving to place it inside a small satchel she had in her side of the room. The pregnant woman wobbled over to the entrance and pulled it back, sighing and descending slowly to the forest floor. It was hard for her to move and most days she spent inside the hut, even when Jake’s harsh words made her upset. He called her lazy, yet do not understand the weight of her stomach and the swollen ankles of her feet. Her belly was large, far larger than what was normal for an Omaticayan baby and she was worried for the child’s health, Mo’at says they will be fine though, so she entrusts everything to Eywa’s will.

___ waddled into the forest, only carrying her knife and her thoughts. It was not time for eclipse so she could go to the tree of souls and back in time for bed. She will skip the communal dinner and eat what is left over. She knew it was not healthy for the child she carried, or for herself, but she does not have the will in her to face her supposed mates.

The jungle seamed to glow in the daylight when the Na’vi strolled past, the grass softly swayed beneath her feet and syaksyuk glanced to her in curiosity, swinging away once they have had their fill. She smiled at a mother holding her young, giggling when the baby tried to get closer to her so the Na’vi stopped.

Once the creature neared her it tapped her swollen belly twice, looking at her and running away when their mother hooted for them to go. Smiling at the small interaction she carried on with her journey, it was almost like the great mother is blessing her. The small syaksyuk lifted her dampened spirits until her mind wondered back to the broken bracelet and she sighed, ears turned down once again.

The tree of souls was beautiful, even in the daylight. It’s white tendrils moved and pulsed with energy, almost as if it was greeting her. ___ walked closer and took out her queue, letting the nerves tangle with one of the hanging branches of the tree. Her pupils dilated as she was sucked through the eye of Eywa, coming out of the end of the tunnel and being faced with Kelutral. Her old home.

“And what are you doing?” a little voice sassily scolded behind her, small hand tapping her back thigh and prompted ___ to turn around. The woman’s eyes watered at the sight of a younger Sylwanin, a few years younger than the day the RDA took her life away from her.

“Sylwanin” she tried to squat but found it too hard to properly hold the position so she resorted to sitting down, her hand held her friends own as the girl cocked her head to the side. “It has been too long”

“Srane. Too long indeed. Your tummy is big” the child pointed out and placed a small hand on top of it, feeling the movement of the babe and grinning. ___ was not able to see Sylwanin at the tree since she found out about her pregnancy, Neytiri made sure about that.

___ giggled at her, cupping her face and kissing her forehead. When her eyes opened she was met with the yellow of an older girl, one who was both mature and wise. “Syl’, Neytiri poe -“ the very thought pained her and the pregnant woman squeezed her eyes shut, heart heavy with grief and stress. “I do not understand why - I am sorry” she started to sob, shoulders shaking at the weight of it all.

Her friend held her wrist in her hand and examined it, blood and forming blisters caked it where the bracelet was pulled. ___ wiped her eyes clear, sniffling. She did not notice it before. “You have not been treated well. My sister is being a kurkung” Sylwanin hissed in anger, using her thumb to brush away the rest of the tears that fell down the others face. “But you do not have to be sorry for her mistakes”

“I feel like I had to apologise”

“There was no need” she kissed the wounded wrist and ___ felt no pain, just a soft pressure and a feeling of comfort spread through her body. “You can always make a new one, no? Or better yet, name them after me” she chuckled and pointed to her friends tummy.

___ grinned and rolled her eyes “Sylwanin is a silly name, there is no need” and at that, the mentioned girl pinched the tip of ___’s ear. She let out an ‘ouch!’ and glared playfully, she was exactly like her mother.

“My name would be great for your child, I would have forced Tsu’tey to name our own after me”

“Poor Tsu’tey” ___ laughed louder when Sylwanin slapped her arm. When the joy dulled down, the heaviness of the world came crashing onto her, the mood swings elevating her emotions. “Syl’ I do not think I could do this any longer” she cried out once more, tail thumping the floor and ears pinned to her head “they would treat my baby with harsh words and neglect, that is no way for a child to live…I cannot do this without you. I wish you was here. I wish I still had the bracelet” her eyes produced fresh warm tears that ran down her cheeks. ___ missed Sylwanin with her whole heart and when Neytiri broke her accessory, it was like ripping into her chest and squeezing until she stopped living.

The older Na’vi cupped her face, eyes doe and smile filled with understanding “ma tsmuke, I am always with you. Bracelet or not. I am apart of Eywa. I follow you wherever you go, I see you wherever you turn, I am with you ___. Even if you do not see me”

“I see you sister, Oel ngati kam -“ a sharp pain stopped her watery words, her hand instantly clamped down on her abdomen, breathing ragged. What was this? Another sharp punch and what felt like water ran down her legs. No. It was too early.

Panicked she looked up at her sister who looked as calm as ever, reassuring her frightened body with just a glance in the eye. “You are ready to become a mother. Just breathe ___. Breathe”

Her eyes blinked open and she inhaled sharply, she was back under the tree of souls, no Sylwanin in sight. Another kick in her tummy made her release a shout. She held onto her friends words, like an anchor at the back of her head. She breathed in deeply and let the air out slow.

It was time.

previous | next

[torukmaktoskxawng]

‘anla - part five

Masterlist

Summary: A child's neglect and a father's inner turmoil finally comes to a head. Y/n takes a leap of faith, both literally and figuratively.

Pairing: Ao'nung/Fem!Na'vi!Sully Reader

Warnings: Mature language, time skips, HEAVY angst, depression, older sibling syndrome, mentions of death, canon compliance, father/daughter trouble, fluff, etc.

posted on ao3

Word Count: 6k+

Tag: #'anla ao'nung fic

Na'vi Words: ikran - Mountain Banshee, tsahik - spiritual leader, Iknimaya - Rite of Passage, tawtute - human, tsmuktu - sibling, marui - home, olo'eyktan - clan leader, kalweyaveng - son of a bitch, ilu - dolphin like animal, Sänrr Rong - Glow Tunnel, frakrr - always

Taglist (bold indicates “could not tag”):  @bangtanxberm @aonungmyaddiction @lv9su @aisselasstuff @yourusername1 @amortencjja @king-julian6201 @gg-trini @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @mikeyswifie @heart-an0n @iloveavatar @urdads-gf 

Ronal always had perfect timing, and today was no different. She found herself with an empty basket in her arms as she walked into the jungle in search of specific plants. She had walked for a bit before she noticed a shadow cast over her form. Looking up, Ronal watched an ikran fly overhead and land on the strong branches of a large tree, its rider jumping off and landing on the branch gracefully. Ronal took an educated guess on who the rider was and called up with her strict, ever so formal voice, "Y/n te Suli."

A head and a pair of ears perk up at her name, then Y/n looks down to see who had called her. Eyes slightly wide in surprise, she shakes off the shock and climbs down the tree, landing strongly on her legs in front of Ronal. She keeps her eyes dutifully lowered out of respect, keeping her expression stern and impassive as she touched her forehead then lowered her hand toward Ronal, "Ma tsahik."

Ronal appreciates the formality despite the way she shoved the empty basket in the young girl's arms, "I need to restock my herbs and materials, and there are certain components that require climbing. I could use you for those instances."

Y/n took one glance down at Ronal's baby bump before nodding in submission, following the tsahik through the jungle in search of her ingredients. They do their work in silence, Ronal occasionally explaining certain depictions of a plant Y/n needed to look for before sending the girl up a tree, but other than that, they don't mutter another word. That is, until after Ronal deemed the assortment of acquired plants enough for her stock and walked with Y/n all the way back to the village. The walk through the jungle had been tense and Y/n didn't know how to entertain or even converse with Ronal. The tsahik was an intimidating woman, sometimes more so than her own mother. Y/n doubted that Neytiri and Ronal ever spoke a word to each other even as the Metkayina was teaching the Omatikaya woman her ways. If Neytiri didn't know what to say to Ronal, Y/n doubted she could either.

However, Ronal spoke first, and she spoke as bluntly as ever, "So it would appear that your brother has taken a liking to my daughter."

Y/n sputtered, surprised by the older woman's statement as she tries clambering for a more appropriate response. She knew that whatever was going on between Lo'ak and Tsireya was sweet and strictly innocent -for the time being- but for it to come to Ronal's attention was a bit concerning, to say the least, "Oh... uh... has he?"

Ronal doesn't appreciate the unintelligent stutter, ears flattening as she narrows her gaze at the forest child, "I am not stupid, girl, and neither are you. So quit pretending that you are."

There's a slight shift between them, and some sort of mask slips from Y/n's face right before Ronal's very eyes. The Metkayina tsahik observes the way Y/n straightens her posture and sternly frowns, glaring at the path ahead of her instead of at Ronal. Clearly, she didn't appreciate the insult, "What would you like me to say? That I disapprove? Technically, I don't."

Ronal wasn't one to turn down a challenge, and she was already intrigued by this side of Y/n, "Explain."

"Na'vi have mated with other Na'vi from different clans before, at least where I'm from. It's not unusual."

"You think that is why one must disapprove?"

"What else is there to disapprove of? That they're young?" Y/n nods in agreement, "They are, and obviously, they should wait until they finish their Iknimaya, but that shouldn't deter them from choosing one another."

"I see."

Y/n spares a glance at Ronal, narrowing her eyes with as much bravery as she could muster, "But I know that's not why you disapprove."

Ronal quirks an eyebrow ridge, challenging the girl, "No?"

"You disapprove because Lo'ak is a half-breed. Part tawtute." Ronal doesn't answer Y/n's accusation and instead watches silently as Y/n raised her five-fingered hand up to her face, examining the offending limb with pinned ears and sad eyes. Y/n brings her hand back down, still walking beside Ronal even as she started to feel small, "Maybe your son was right. That we are freaks... but your daughter doesn't see us as freaks. She thinks we're special, especially Lo'ak. I mean, it's not every day you have Omatikaya half-breeds bonding with a tulkun around here, right? Lo'ak has done the impossible and he should be given more respect as the son of Toruk Makto."

Her words were strong, stronger than Ronal has ever heard from Jakesully's oldest daughter. She knew Y/n was once strong-willed, remembering the day Ao'nung crawled back home and mentioned how Y/n broke up a fight with him and her brothers using her ikran and strongly-worded threats. But as of late, Y/n has barely spoken to anyone except for her remaining siblings and friends. Ronal couldn't recall the last time Y/n spoke in either her or her mate's presence, usually leaving her parents to do the talking. Somehow, the once mute girl let her mask slip in her little brother's defense, walking confidently beside the tsahik who dared to insult her family. Ronal had to give credit where it was due. There weren't many people alive who would dare speak to her so proudly and without courtesies.

"You are a boldly spoken girl, Y/n te Suli Neytiri'ite. Although my children tell me that you don't speak as much of late."

Her tail droops closer to her side as they walk, and Y/n doesn't bother hiding her shame, "I guess not. There isn't much to talk about."

"No?" Understanding etches across Ronal's elegant features, adjusting the basket in her arms as she pins her eyes ahead of her as they walked, "I suppose you are much like me that way. I let my mate do the talking if I think the need to talk is pointless or exhausting. I prefer to sing."

She catches Y/n's tail perking up in surprise, and it took a lot of willpower not to smirk as her amusement flourished in her chest. Y/n's jaw nearly gapes open, "You sing?"

"Yes... my Spirit Sister, Ro'a, she would sing with me."

Y/n immediately regrets asking, instantly catching the wave of sadness and distress that washes over the tsahik. It was still a loss she carried close to her chest, and Y/n understood where she was coming from and how she felt. They had both lost someone dear to them that fateful day, and the wounds still bled as if the loss was still fresh.

Y/n decided that she didn't like Ronal bleeding alone and feeling so vulnerable, allowing herself to remember bittersweet memories of her own, "... Neteyam would fly with me. All the time, whenever I asked. While we fly, he'd listen to me whenever I needed to vent my anger."

Ronal looks back at the forest girl, nearly a young woman. The tsahik's expression was impassive and Y/n could tell the gears in her head were spinning, but unsure of the what or why. Ronal nods solemnly, "I no longer prefer to sing. You no longer prefer to talk. Do you believe our tsmuktu would wish that for us?"

Neither female had thought of that before, and for some reason, whatever conclusion came to mind, the thought lifted their spirits, even if only for a little while. Y/n felt lighter for the first time in a while, since before Neteyam's death, and she didn't feel shame in letting her eyes get warm and blurry, the path ahead a little unidentifiable. Ronal doesn't comment and lets the girl shed her silent tears as the pair finally makes it to the edge of the jungle, spotting the village right up ahead. Y/n quickly wipes away her tears and just in time, too. As they approached the village, Ao'nung was sighted walking up to them. He had seen Y/n first and grinned widely, but the expression quickly falls when he noticed the woman walking beside her. Jogging up to his friend and his mother, he glanced between them with caution, waiting for either bomb to go off if one of them spoke.

When neither woman spoke, Ao'nung broke the ice first, addressing the Omatikaya girl, "Hey, Y/n. Rotxo and I are going bodysurfing later and we thought you might want to join."

Ronal spared a glance at Y/n and caught the forest girl smiling for the first time, but she wasn't smiling at Ronal. The tsahik followed her gaze until her own eyes landed on Ao'nung, and suddenly some puzzle pieces were fitting into place. Ao'nung was smiling back, and it wasn't one of his usual smirks or promises of trouble. He was smiling, genuine and happy.

Ronal ignores her son for the moment, turning to Y/n before the girl could even give Ao'nung her answer, "Thank you for your help, child. You may go now."

Y/n quickly broke out of her train of thought, remembering where she was, and dropped the smile. She nods to Ronal before sparing a lingering glance at Ao'nung, walking away as she spoke over her shoulder, "See ya later, Seawee-- Ao'nung."

Ao'nung had laughed even as the girl vanished from sight. Ronal sternly cleared her throat and the laughter immediately stops, the boy straightening his spine, standing in attention to his mother. The tsahik decides to stare at him for a long period of time in order to make him squirm uncomfortably, then she bluntly asks the question buzzing in her mind,

"Do you wish to court Y/n?"

The question stuns Ao'nung, his ears and eyebrow ridges sticking straight up to the sky. He gapes like a fish, trying to find an appropriate answer. Ronal felt a little smug and satisfied as a darker shade of blue begins to form underneath her son's skin, even without a straight answer. Serves him right. Ronal knew she was going to need to fuss over Tsireya's infatuation with the Sully boy, but she didn't think she'd have to fuss over her own son so soon. Why were her children growing up before their little sibling entered the world?

Finally, Ao'nung lowers his gaze to his feet as he forces out a single word, "No."

Her brow ridge rose, a little surprised by the answer, "Why not?"

She was prepared for him to say many things, like how Y/n was not true Na'vi or that she was of a different clan, but Ronal wasn't prepared for when her son finally answered, "Because she's hurt right now. She lost her brother. I just... want to be there when she's ready."

Ronal tilts her head, curious, "For what?"

Ao'nung had the decency to look bashful, shrinking into his shoulders and lowering his ears. He looked as though he didn't have an answer either, unsure of himself while questioning the words on his tongue, "Moving on with her life? Is that stupid?"

She knows her son has every right to feel vulnerable around her, as his mother, but Ronal couldn't help but roll her eyes at his idiocy. With her basket under one arm, she loops the other through Ao'nung's and begins tugging him back in the direction of their family's marui, "No, son... but she said you once called her a freak. Surely you don't feel that way if you wish to court her?"

He bristles with annoyance, a trait he, unfortunately, inherited from Ronal, "Mother--"

"Fine. 'Not' court her."

Ao'nung relaxes his shoulders a little, his voice softening, "I don't think she's a freak. I think she's amazing."

Ronal hums, nodding occasionally to any Metkayina they pass by as mother and son trudge through the pathways of their village, "So. You do not wish to court her. Not right now at least. You are waiting for her."

"Yeah. I... I guess I am."

"You cannot guess," Ronal spoke sternly, stopping in her tracks and forcing her son to do the same as she glared him down, "You have to be sure, Ao'nung. You are our future olo'eyktan and you cannot afford to second-guess yourself. And you certainly cannot second-guess yourself when choosing a mate. It is for life, boy, do you understand?"

Ao'nung gulps and quickly corrects himself, "Yes. I'm sorry, Mother, I guess--" he winced when her eyes narrowed, "I mean, I'm just confused. I thought you would disapprove of Y/n."

Understanding the hidden question, she hisses under her breath and begins walking again, pulling Ao'nung along, "I will admit. She's not someone I would choose for you. She is not a healer and she prefers the sky over the sea. But it has never been my choice and she is Metkayina now. One of us. I will just have to surrender to the idea of both of my children choosing former Forest People before anyone born of the sea."

His body relaxed into her side, gladly walking beside her now instead of acting like he was forced to. He quietly muttered how grateful he felt, "Thank you. Wait-- what do you mean both children? Where's Tsireya?"

A wry smile graces Ronal's lips, patting his hand in pity, "Oh, my son. You are so blinded by your own infatuation that you never noticed your sister's. At least I will have a third child to distract myself from your foolishness."

They return home and Ronal finally lets her son free of her grasp. He had hurried off, likely to get away from his mother and also to track down Tsireya (or strangle Lo'ak, whichever comes first). Stepping into the hut, Ronal finds Tonowari inside, gutting the fish he had caught that morning. The olo'eyktan looks up and catches her gaze, and whatever he sees in her eyes has him standing up to reach out to her, "Ma Ronal?"

"We need to talk."

~~~~~~~~~

Jake knows that he should be more actively involved in his eldest child's life, but for the moment, Y/n has made it a game to avoid him. When he wanted to initially talk to her, she had slipped away to go bodysurfing with some of the other Metkayina her age. Jake found himself alone in their family's marui, waiting for everyone to return now that he wasn't able to talk to his daughter one on one. It made him think about Neteyam, and how the boy would've easily gone after his twin to talk to her. The thought made Toruk Makto greatly admire and miss his first boy all at once. He always relied on Neteyam to wrangle up his siblings, and for Y/n, he relied on her twin to talk to her for him. Neteyam always knew how to talk to Y/n. How to calm her, how to excite her, and he especially knew how to help his parents talk to her. Between the twins, Neteyam was more open about his emotions, but even that was a great feat. Neteyam didn't talk about it unless asked to, so if it was difficult to squeeze out Neteyam's inner thoughts, Jake wondered just how impossible would it be to reach Y/n's.

The struggling father even debated going back to the Spirit Tree to ask Neteyam what to do, but that inner turmoil made him feel so pathetic. How pathetic of a father was he that he needed to reach out to his dead son for help when it came to talking to his daughter? As a parent, Jake should be the one to have wisdom and give it freely to his children, not the other way around. Then again, it had been so long since Jake's own twin brother had died that he forgot that twins are on another level of understanding compared to the rest. Neteyam would always know Y/n best and vice versa, and that was something Jake had accepted a long time ago. Now, however, with Neteyam gone and Y/n left in a world without her other half, Jake was trying to understand her the way her brother always did.

It didn't help that Y/n has yet to go to the Spirit Tree herself. She refused to go see her brother and refused, even more, to talk about it. Jake wanted tonight to be the night they talk, so even after the rest of his family left to go to the communal meal, he waited.

He heard laughter coming from outside, ears moving wildly before he even raised his head. He recognized one of the laughs to be Y/n, and his chest squeezed at the familiar sound, wishing he could hear it more. After he heard her wishing her friends goodnight, he heard footsteps approaching, but not at the entrance of the marui. Looking up, he continued to hear the footsteps above him and realized that Y/n was climbing up the mangrove tree roots sheltering their home.

Jake goes outside, calling up, "Hey, sweetheart? Can you come down here, please?"

Y/n was sitting towards the top of the tree root but obediently climbed back down at her father's request. Hopping down and landing in front of him, she had jostled the bouncy walkway and stood straight up, tilting her head up at Jake in question. Once again, Jake found himself at a loss for words, unsure of what to say to her without her twin here to tell him, "Hey... feeling alright?"

She raised an eyebrow and shrugged, finding the outside wall of the marui more interesting to look at than her father, "I guess so."

Jake nods, deciding now was the time as good as any, "I was wondering if you and I could go to the Spirit Tree. I thought you might want to visit your brother."

Immediately, her posture shrinks and her eyes lower to her feet, and Jake was half afraid that she might burst into tears. Meanwhile, Y/n was thinking back to what Ronal had told her, wondering about both Neteyam and Ro'a and how they would feel knowing that their sisters were living miserable lives without them. She wanted to be able to live a life Neteyam would be proud of her for, but even now, the idea of looking him in the eye and telling him what she had been up to since his death made her stomach churn, "... I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"Are you sure?" Pity and concern swim in Jake's own eyes, lifting his hand and settling it gently on his daughter's shoulder, "It might help."

She frowned down at her feet, "Help with what?"

"It's just... you never got to say goodbye."

Her watery eyes peer up at him then, and Jake felt like he was being punched in the gut as venom drips from her words, "You mean I never got to watch him die? Nobody got to say goodbye, Dad."

"He wanted to say goodbye. He was trying to," What kind of a father was he if he couldn't comfort his child? Jake scrambled to find the right things to say, and instead, he blurted out what he knew would only make Y/n feel even more distressed, "Neteyam... he wanted me to tell you something. He wanted me to tell you to... to 'find more?'"

He wasn't expecting Y/n to rip herself out of his hold on her, and he wasn't expecting her to stare up at him as if he had burned her, full of pain, shock, and utter betrayal. Her whole body began to shake, but not from crying. Even as tears welled up and fell from her eyes, Y/n's fangs were bared as she began to angrily spat, "That stupid, selfless, self-sacrificing kalweyaveng!"

Jake's posture turns rigid, glaring down at his daughter as if ready to lecture her, appalled by her speaking ill of the dead, "Y/n!"

"Just leave me alone!" She screamed back, too angry to even bother thinking about another lecture from her father. She spun around with the intention to run, but Jake reached out and firmly grasped her arm to keep her from escaping.

"I've done nothing but leave you alone!" She flinched and Jake immediately lowered his voice, exhaling the abrupt anger and forcing himself to calm down, but still spoke sternly, "I have given you your space and time because I knew you were in a lot of pain. I knew how you were feeling because I know what it's like to lose a twin brother. It's time we finally talked, young lady."

"About what?" She asked, keeping her back turned to him.

"About that day. Your side of the story."

Y/n spun back around, tears still spilling from her eyes even as she glared at her father in disgust, "You mean you want me to tell you why I wasn't there to save my brother from dying?"

Jake's grip froze, and for the life of him, Jake couldn't figure out why his muscles refused to move. It was like an arrow had punctured him through the heart, the disgusting accusation still evident on Y/n's face. His anger disappeared, being replaced by shock and disbelief, "What?"

"You heard me."

Jake sucked in a sharp breath. Had she always felt this way toward him? "No, sweetheart, I would never--"

"It doesn't matter if you did or didn't think that, what matters is that's exactly what I expect from you." She straightened out her shoulders, defiant, even through her soft cries. She looked so confident and the fact that she was confident about Jake's behavior made his heart shatter. Since when should a child be so sure of their parent's motivations? "At this point, everything you have done up until now has led me to believe that you would blame me for not being there. After all, that's what you did to Neteyam. You blamed him or held him responsible whenever one of us did anything wrong. So what else should I expect from you now that I'm the older sibling?"

Jake's eyes blink rapidly, voice so quiet he hardly recognized it, "Y/n... I am so, so sorry. That had never been my intention."

She wipes her face with the back of her hand, "It's too late for you to apologize. It's too late for anything you could possibly do to make up for it. Neteyam is gone," her voice cracked under the pressure of such a heavy word. She wished she didn't have to finally admit it, and she wished she felt less angry at the sight of her broken father, staring down at her on the verge of tears, "He had to die for you to realize what you did was wrong. You couldn't have tried to change when he was still alive? No. You couldn't. And I can never forgive you for that."

~~~~~~~~~

Y/n decided to sleep on the very far end of the marui that night, away from her family and their hammocks, with her back turned and outright refusing to speak. Neytiri asked what happened with only her eyes, to which Jake's ears pinned back and he simply looked away, unable to look his wife in the eyes when he admitted that he screwed up. The parents spoke quietly to each other that night, talking about what happened in quiet enough whispers so none of their children could hear. Not that it mattered, since Spider snored loud enough to drown any unwanted sound out.

"Just give her time, Ma Jake... she is young and doesn't fully understand what she says."

Jake tries his best to shake his head, but it was currently nestled comfortably in the crook of her neck, "She's not a little kid, 'Tiri. She's not Tuk. She's old enough to finish her Iknimaya and be considered a warrior of the People. She knows what she's saying, and she's finally saying it. She's going to be sixteen soon, and she is struggling to figure out what that means for her. Her father treats her like an adult and her mother treats her like a child. It's confusing her."

Neytiri lightly pinched his arm, quietly snarling in retaliation, "I treat all my children that way. My babies can grow up all they want. They will stay my babies for the rest of their lives."

Jake smiled into her neck, placing a small kiss there in admiration of how much Neytiri fiercely loved their family. Neytiri smiles to herself and wraps her arms more securely around her husband. They stay like that for a few moments until Neytiri huffs in exhaustion, bringing her hand up to play with his hair, "I can hear your thoughts. Out with them."

He's quiet for far too long like he was trying to pretend he was sleeping to get himself out of it. When Neytiri pinched him again, he finally spoke, "... Our baby is going to be sixteen soon."

Neytiri grows quiet with him, alone together in their home while their children are off in their dreams. Neither of them say it, but they were both thinking about it. Only one of the twins will be sixteen soon and will continue to grow old, while the other will forever remain fifteen, stuck in time. Jake's throat closes up at the thought. He was a twin, left behind by his brother, alone in a world that hated him and his existence. He barely survived on his own, especially in a wheelchair. Then his drinking habits got him kicked out of nearly every bar in the vicinity of his living quarters. His drinks and his wheelchair were never a good mix, and Jake knew if he stayed on Earth any longer, he would have been dead.

Jake knew that Y/n was stronger than him in every way possible. She could never fall as low as he did when Tommy died. He thought by letting her grieve the way she wanted to, the two of them could start over and heal after losing Neteyam. Looking back on his choices, Jake had regretted it, because all the while Y/n was grieving for her brother, she was also believing that her father hated her.

His arms tighten around Neytiri, trying to bury his face even further in her neck when he felt hot tears threatening to spill in the corners of his eyes, "I feel like we're losing her, too..."

"We're not," she spoke sternly, though it cracked under the pressure of her own tears, "We won't. I cannot lose another baby, Jake. I cannot..." She swallows down the bile in her throat, clearing her airway and taking a deep breath to collect herself, "Y/n is not alone. There are other people who are around her every day who love her and want to see her happy. She has more than just us. We will have to accept that we cannot fix everything for our children. Sometimes, we have to let other people do it for us, especially if our children do not want our help."

He hums in agreement, a small weight lifted from his shoulders, but not all of it. Just enough to make him feel secure, at least for the night. His eyes grow heavy and before long, Jake is finally asleep.

Whatever anxiety he felt the night before returned when he woke up the next morning and realized Y/n was already gone.

Neytiri was already awake and calmed him down, claiming that their daughter had left for the day to take a break from everything. When Jake asked if Neytiri knew where she went, his wife only shook her head, "I knew it would be best not to ask. Wherever she is going, she does not want us to follow her."

Despite their talk yesterday, Jake didn't feel the least bit reassured. He tried not to let it bother him as he goes about his day, taking a break from his usual chores to watch his other kids play around in the water. He should have been doing this from the beginning, watching over all of his children so they could enjoy their innocence just a little bit longer, instead of having Neteyam or Y/n do it. By noon, the children were all exhausted from playing and Lo'ak even asked if he was allowed to go check on Payakan. Jake almost agreed, but his anxiety got the better of him, "You can, but only after your sister returns. I... don't want more than one of you being apart right now."

And surprisingly, Lo'ak accepted his father's explanation and it threw Jake through a loop. Who knew that actually communicating with your kids will lead them to understand you a bit better? After he brought the kids home to eat lunch with their mother, Jake noted how Y/n was not back yet and so he told Neytiri that he was going to look around. She rolled her eyes but nodded.

Jake searched for places he's seen his daughter in the past but found no one that fit her description. He then went into the jungle to check on her ikran, and to his surprise, Evi was still there, confused but curious as to why her rider was not with him. Bob hissed at Jake with annoyance, clearly offended by the lack of attention around here, so Jake took him out for a short flight, using the bond to instruct him where to go.

The next place he looked for her was the Spirit Tree, flying half a dozen circles around the whole area to see if he could spot Y/n, but came up empty. Jake tried not to full-blown panic, and so did his best to fly home and try not to think about it too much. He told Neytiri that he had never been able to find Y/n by the time the whole village was starting to trickle back home for the day. The sun was still out and everyone was going around to start making preparations for the communal dinner. Now Neytiri was starting to get worried and voiced her concerns. So finally, Jake did what he should've done before and made a trip to the chief's marui.

"Have either of you seen Y/n?"

Ao'nung and Tsireya's heads perk up at Jakesully's voice and the mention of Y/n. Both of the reef siblings glance at one another from inside the hut while they could hear Toruk Makto speaking to their parents outside, "We looked everywhere. She's not with her ikran. We checked the Spirit Tree. Nothing."

Tonowari's voice spoke next, "Do you think she is in trouble? We can have a search party sent out for her."

Jake's voice sounded resigned, ashamed, "No, I think she just wants to be left alone. We had a fight yesterday and she ran off before we woke up. But if it gets dark out, I'd appreciate the search party."

Silence followed and Ao'nung could only assume that Jake had left. The reef boy's heart was loudly beating in his ears to the point he had barely noticed Tsireya gently placing her hand on his arm. He spares a glance at her and regrets it. She only stared back as if she held the all-knowing Eywa in her hands. The siblings part when their parents reenter the marui, and Ronal's eyes immediately found her son's with the same knowing expression her daughter bore.

"You know where she is, don't you?"

She's met with silence, the whole hut practically heavy in it as Ao'nung only stared back with a guilt-ridden expression. Tonowari sighed out through his nose, ridding himself of the heavy weight of the situation. He lifts his arm out to the doorway, "Go, boy. Bring her back."

Ao'nung quickly nods and rises to his feet, "Yes, Father."

While watching her son leave, Ronal calls out, "Make haste. I do not want her mother to worry for much longer."

~~~~~~~~~

Ao'nung didn't waste any time. He called an ilu and took off, leaving the village behind him as he followed the beach further up the island. As he arrives at Sänrr Rong, he found a lone ilu, strapped to a harness but floating around without a rider, diving down and inspecting the coral to keep itself busy. Ao'nung disengages from his own ilu and watches the pair going around excitedly playing together before he got out of the water to climb the cliff. He grabs onto vines and rocks and pulls himself up, briefly remembering what the forest kids had done to climb up faster the last time they were all here. He eventually reaches the top, pulling himself over the ledge and catching his breath, exhausted in his haste to get up here. The wind was whipping wildly through his hair as he looks around, immediately finding what he had been looking for.

Y/n was sitting close to the edge of the cliffside where the kids would normally dive from. She had her legs tucked up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, looking out onto the vast ocean, her mind far away. She wanted to go somewhere quiet, somewhere not many Na'vi travel alone. She hadn't been here in a long time, remembering the last time she had gone to the Glow Tunnel. All the kids were there, having a blast, even having a picnic whenever they took a break from jumping into the water. Y/n stayed on top of the cliff the whole time, still refusing to ever take the leap. She stayed with the basket full of fruit whenever one of her other friends or siblings came around looking for a refreshing treat. She remembered laughing and warning them about stomach aches, especially when Rotxo insisted on chowing down a whole fruit on his own before jumping in for a swim. He regretted that by the time he had climbed back up the cliff, taking a nap instead of rejoining the fun.

Neteyam never looked younger than in those moments at Sänrr Rong, having fun and enjoying being fifteen. He loved cliff diving, especially when he and Lo'ak would race to the bottom or back up to the top. He was always trying to convince Y/n to join them, but each time, she refused and would watch her twin leap into the sky and plummet down into the water.

Now, she sat alone, wishing that her brother was there to ask her to join in the fun. She didn't have to delve into those thoughts for much longer as finally, she heard rustling behind her, footsteps slowly making their way toward her. Eventually, Ao'nung sat down beside Y/n, as he always does nearly every day since she lost her brother, and like always, they sit in silence before eventually, the curiosity ate at him.

"What are you doing up here?"

"Waiting for you." She responds automatically, rising to her feet before her courage could disappear, "Jump with me?"

He peers up at her, surprised, eyes flicking from her face down to her hand when she offered it to him. Ao'nung gulps down the nerves and reaches up, marveling at how small her hand was in his as she helped him rise to his feet again. Ao'nung tries not to keep staring at their joined hands, taking a moment to curl one of his fingers around her smallest, the pinky, the one he used to tease about to her and her siblings relentlessly. Looking back, even Ao'nung wanted to punch himself in the face. There was nothing wrong with the extra finger. In fact, if nothing else, an extra finger just means more to hold.

Realizing he still hasn't answered Y/n's question, he glanced back up to her eyes, blue meeting yellow, like a sun meeting the ocean, "Frakrr."

She beams up at him with her eyes, and her hand clasps more firmly into his. Looking down at the edge of the cliff, she sees the height, the fall, and the water down below. A chill runs down her spine, but it's more from the wind running through her hair than the fear. The wind felt like a comforting hand on her head, urging her forward, and she was not afraid.

Neither of them counts or speaks. Without looking to one another for reassurance, the two teens jump. They both scream, but it's out of delight and excitement, a rush running through them as they fall, fall, fall.

SPLASH.

It was like Y/n blinked and she missed it. One moment she was at the cliff's edge, then the next she was in the water, holding her breath while simultaneously clutching onto Ao'nung's hand so he couldn't get away even if he wanted to. She looked back to find him, and he was already smiling at her, grinning from ear to ear, eyes full of pride and adoration. He pulled his hand out of hers but only so he could excitedly sign to her, 'You did it!'

Y/n mistakenly laughs underwater, the sound muffled by the sea that runs into her mouth. She sputtered, and Ao'nung tries not to laugh himself, taking Y/n's hand back and helping her swim up to the surface. When she emerges from the water, she was still smiling as she coughed, and to Ao'nung it was one of the most baffling and wonderful sights. It was like watching a baptism. Before, she was just a shell, now she smiled, full of life and love and hope.

The Na'vi believe that every person was born twice, and Ao'nung was starting to believe he had just seen it happen with his own two eyes.

They found themselves laughing. Not sure at what, just laughing, likely from the adrenaline rush. It was definitely fun, and Y/n would love nothing more than to climb back up that cliff and jump again. All those other times she and the other teens would come here, and to think she had missed out on all that fun. She never wanted to miss another second of it. Through her laughter, she had closed her eyes. When she opened them, Ao'nung was still right in her field of view. He still laughed, head floating over the water, flyaways of his hair sticking to the sides of his head, framing his face. Y/n's heart leaped in her chest, similar to the cliff dive. She wadded closer to him, barely to the point Ao'nung didn't notice. They were close now, but Ao'nung didn't realize this until he took a moment to catch his breath and noticed that Y/n was no longer laughing. He opened his eyes and his laugh cuts off, eyes widening out of curiosity, wondering what she was doing.

She laughed under her breath when he looked at her like a curious little puppy. Her laugh is infectious so he continues to do the same, and suddenly her nerves have escaped her. The rush is still there, beating loudly in her chest. Every thought in her head continuously tells her to 'jump, jump, jump!'

Y/n took the leap again, only this time, she jumped at the right opportunity to kiss Ao'nung, silencing their shared laughs and molding their lips together in perfect harmony. If it weren't for the crashing sounds of waves, Y/n thought Ao'nung would be able to hear just how loud her heartbeat was. But he was otherwise occupied, one of his arms automatically finding their home around her waist, the other arm keeping them afloat above water. He eagerly kissed back without hesitation. It was like he knew she was going to kiss him, but didn't at the same time. It was hard to explain. He was obviously surprised by the kiss but he didn't hesitate to respond, knowing that this was something he desperately wanted but had refrained himself from taking it. He was happy to wait for Y/n for as long as she needed, but when she kissed him, Ao'nung decided that he was allowed to be selfish, just this once, until Y/n is ready again.

It was hard for her to admit, but Y/n liked it when Ao'nung was selfish. When she had to part the kiss for air, he had eagerly chased after her for more, and that only made her heart swell in adoration. She giggled, rewarding him a small peck on his mouth whilst she gasped quietly for air, leaning her forehead against his. They embrace like this for a while, basking in the peace and the overwhelming happiness breathing between them, listening to the serene sounds of the ocean and feeling the rushing heartbeat of the person they held in their arms.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. And who else was able to ruin such a moment than Fish Lips himself, "If you wanted to get me alone, Forest Girl, all you had to do was ask."

Y/n scowled lightheartedly, rolling her eyes and pulling a laugh from him as he leans forward and kisses her cheek. She can't help but smile, watching her hands rest comfortably in the spaces between Ao'nung's shoulders and neck, gently pressing her thumbs into his muscle there.

"I knew you'd just find me here eventually."

"Mm. True," Ao'nung grins, "I'll play this hide-and-seek game of yours again if that means you'll kiss me each time as a reward."

The laugh she lets out is the most obnoxious one by far, a downright mockery of him as she playfully flicks his cheek with her finger, "Don't push your luck, Seaweed Brain. And unless you want to deal with our parents when we get back, you need to stop smiling like an idiot."

Oh, shit. The parents. 

A/N: She did what Neteyam told her to do. 'Find more'

NOT the end of the series! More to come soon! If you have a request, put in the ask box! Please read the rules first before you leave a request, thank you!

[smashboxgirl26]

hello!! i was wondering if i could request a reader who feels alienated and depressed because she is basically a loner at school and bakugou who goes out of his way to spend time with her, bringing her lunch to share and ends up confessing to her?

the days of the week

contains: fluff word count: 2.1k a/n: yes yes yesss,,, only i changed some things bc thats how it worked out in my head. also it's short and sweet, but i had fun drifting off from my wips and getting to put my mind on something new

monday:

"What're you doing here?" you stared up from your book at Bakugou, who'd plopped himself down beside you.

It was lunchtime, and you'd found yourself outside under the tree near the end of the field, alone, as you'd been since the sports festival.

"Why? M'not allowed to eat lunch here?" he gave you a sneer as he raised his eyebrow.

"No," you rolled your eyes. "I was asking why you were here. You don't normally sit here, you sit inside with everyone else."

"So? Do I need a reason?"

"Nevermind," you shook your head, returning to your book.

"Yer not eating anything?" he started again after a moment of silence, and you looked up at him with despair.

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah, it fuckin' does," his eyes narrowed in your direction. "How the fuck am I supposed to beat you at your full power in training if you haven't even eaten anything?"

That's what this is about.

There were going to be one-on-one sparring sessions that day in training, and All Might (very fortunately) had disclosed everyone's partner ahead of time so that everyone had enough time to prepare for their opponent's quirk.

"Listen Bakugou, I'll make sure to put in my all, or whatever. I'm still fine without eating."

You found a part of yourself trying to appease him, despite the weird mind games he was playing. You knew it was just because of what he'd seen your quirk do in the sports festival — and why everyone in your class had practically dumped you, even if they were too scared to admit it — and because he was so obsessed with winning.

A bowl was suddenly nudged in front you, and you had to look up from your book again to see Bakugou giving you another look.

"M'not fighting you if you haven't eaten anything," he announced defiantly.

The look he was giving you made it seem as if you had lost the argument, especially since he was almost gloating as he raised his eyebrows as a way to force you to challenge him.

"Okay," you shrugged before turning back down. "Don't fight me then."

You heard him growl under his breath, and before you could internally celebrate your victory, your book was pulled out of your hands and you looked back up at him in shock.

"Listen here you shitty fuckin' extra," he snarled. "I am not going to miss out on training just because you decided to be a bitch and spite me. So eat yer damn food."

"Give me my book back."

"No."

"Give it back, Bakugou."

"Not gonna happen."

"Ugh! Just give it to me!"

"What are ya gonna do, extra? Fight me?" he taunted, and you quickly realized what he was playing at.

"Fucking fine!" you huffed, grabbing the bowl of ramen and downing it in under a minute. It wasn't hot, thankfully, since it'd been out for a while — and you looked back at Bakugou after finishing and wiping your mouth with the back of your wrist.

"Give. It."

He tossed the book back at you without a second thought, and you shot him a glare before letting out a breath when you realized that the page you were reading was still bookmarked.

Only Bakugou didn't leave after that. He sat there and chewed on his onigiri for the rest of the period before getting up a couple minutes before the bell rang.

Fuckin' weirdo.

. . .

tuesday:

"Yer still not eating anything?" Bakugou said as he placed his lunch tray on the grass next to where you were sitting, again.

After your match yesterday (where Bakugou had still won, obviously), you thought that he would leave you alone, since you weren't friends and he didn't have any reasons to talk to you besides your match.

"Why does it matter?" you looked up from your book, surprised. Why was he back?

"Because you need to eat," he rolled his eyes. "Isn't that fuckin' obvious?"

You resolved his statement with a glare that he didn't acknowledge, watching as he instead pushed half of a sandwich towards you before taking a bite of his curry.

"Why are you here?" you glanced between him and the sandwich.

"To eat. Isn't that obvious?"

"No, asshole. Why are you here?"

"Because I can."

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should," you raised an eyebrow, watching as a vein popped out of his forehead when he turned to you.

"Listen extra," he dropped his chopsticks to point a finger at you. "I can sit wherever the fuck I want. Now shut the fuck up and eat your sandwich."

You gave him an unimpressed look before grabbing the sandwich and tearing the paper it was wrapped in harshly. You made sure that you bit and chewed into it aggressively, just wanting him to shut up so you could read your book but still let him know that you were angry about him coming and sitting next to you — but you were still a little hungry since you'd skipped breakfast that morning.

You didn't notice the little triumphant look Bakugou gave himself as he watched you from the side — angrily chewing the sandwich while your eyes scanned the page in front of you.

He'd won again.

. . .

wednesday:

"What's this lame ass book you've always got your nose stuck in?" Bakugou announced as he sat down next to you again, only you weren't as bothered by his presence as you'd been the day before.

You still let out an audible groan though when you looked up, watching as Bakugou slid over a plate with sushi before biting into his own salad.

"Why do you keep bringing me lunch?"

"I've told you this already," he rolled his eyes. "Use your fuckin' brain for once."

"No- Let me just.." you put your book down and stared at him. "I meant, why do you keep coming and sitting with me and bringing me lunch and stuff? I'm fine on my own."

"Answer my question first," he looked up from eating. "You didn't answer me."

"Just a romance," you rolled your eyes. "Now why do keep sitting with me?"

"The best friend was super shitty in that one," Bakugou mumbled in passing when he finally found himself noticing the title of the book, but his eyes widened in an instant to find a cat-like grin stretching across your face.

"How do you know that?" you asked him slyly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he tried to seem nonchalant about it, looking back with a glare that was probably supposed to deter you from asking any further — but it seemed to have no weight when you willingly scooched closer to him.

"I clearly heard you Bakugou," you raised an eyebrow, watching as his eyes refused to look back down at the book cover again in definace.

"I didn't say anything."

You stared him down, this time watching as he crumbled, putting down his bowl before he spoke.

"I fuckin' read it before, okay?" he threw his arms up. "What else do you think happened? But if you tell another goddamn soul about this, I'm gonna kill you. Got it?"

"Yeah got it — I won't," you shrugged him off. "But what does she do?"

"Huh?"

"You said the best friend was shitty. What did she do?"

You watched Bakugou roll his his eyes before finally giving in, slumping against the tree trunk you always sat next to like he was letting the weight fall off his shoulders.

"Remember when she told the main character girl about the second guy liking her and all that."

"You mean Ryu?"

"Yeah that idiot — well she did it because she was trying to get the brother mad at the both of them so she could ask the main guy out instead," Bakugou went back to eating his salad smugly, watching as your face twisted into shock.

"Of course she wanted to get with Haru!" you stared at the book now sitting in the grass. "I thought it was so weird when she told her because it was so obvious she was already jealous about Haru not liking her."

"Yeah," Bakugou barely shrugged, taking another bite.

You'd forgotten about your question this time, but he wasn't sure he would be so lucky if you asked him again.

At least it was fun to talk about something he never got to.

.

.

.

thursday:

The fact that you were reading a different book today instantly caught Bakugou's attention as he sat down at your usual spot, two bento boxes in hand.

"What happened to the other one?" he gestured to the thicker, hardcover book.

"You basically spoiled it," you shrugged. "So I'm rereading a different one instead."

Bakugou didn't say anything as he slid a bento box over to you, pulling out his chopsticks as you put your book down.

"I didn't see bento's in the lunch room today. I was hoping for pizza actually."

"I'm not yer damn waiter. Just shut up and appreciate the food you're given," he rolled his eyes.

"Where'd you get them from though?" you asked as you opened the bento, a small smile creeping up at the neatly packed food inside.

"...I made 'em," he almost whispered, eyes strained as you took a bite of the salmon he made.

"It's good!" you looked up at him with wide eyes. "I didn't know you could cook so well."

"Of course I fuckin' can," he sneered, turning back to his box like he wasn't intently watching your reaction. "I'm the best cook in our class."

"I wouldn't be so sure," you raised an eyebrow. "Sato's actually really good at baking."

"That's not the same thing you idiot."

"Aren't they similar though?"

"No."

And it was silent again, the both of you eating under the tree until you finally spoke again.

"Why do you keep sitting with me, Bakugou?"

It was hard for Bakugou to look up after those words came off your lips in a nonchalant manner — how was he supposed to answer with the truth?

"Does it fuckin' matter?" he deflected. "Why're you always sitting alone then?"

"I dunno," you rolled your eyes as if the answer was obvious, your face scrunching when you realized his question was serious.

"You're being serious?" you asked with an almost gaped mouth.

"Does it look like I'm joking?"

"My quirk," you said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Bakugou only gave you a look of bewilderment.

"The sports festival?" you reiterated. "How I had that guy from Class B under my control and stuff?"

"So?" he looked away. "You did okay. It's not even like you won or anything."

"Do I really have to spell it out for you? People think my quirk is villainous."

It wasn't like Bakugou didn't notice the change in attitude towards you after the sports festival and the true nature of your quirk was revealed, but he really believed that the people around him were better than that.

He saw how the media was treating his own outbursts, and while in the tiniest way possible he could understand them — your reaction was unwarranted.

"Don't say shit like that," Bakugou looked up to you seriously. "If no one else around you can see that your quirk's good enough to become a hero, fuck 'em. They weren't worth being in your life anyways. Got that?"

You paused, seemingly unable to speak from the weight his words left hanging in the air — but you finally nodded slightly, picking up your book from where it was still open in the grass.

"Thanks."

.

.

.

friday:

You didn't startle today when Bakugou found his place beside you, nonchalantly turning the page without registering his existence. He couldn't help but let the silence linger — you looked peaceful while quietly reading — letting himself start eating his own lunch after pushing a plate in front of you.

Your book snapped shut after a couple moments, suddenly, and he could feel your eyes boring holes into the side of his head.

"Bakugou."

"Hmm?"

"Why do you keep eating lunch with me?"

But as soon as he opened his mouth to deflect, you interrupted him.

"And I know that it's not because you wanna make sure that I'm in top shape or whatever — and you can't deflect the question like every other time I've asked you this, okay?" You were staring at him seriously.

"Okay, you wanna know why?" he started, putting his chopsticks on his plate before turning towards you straight on. "I like you, Y/N — more than as a friend would."

You blinked at him, clearly startled by his response. "Why?"

"Whadd'ya mean why? Does there have to be reason?" He sneered. Were you being serious?

"But... My quirk..."

"Didn't I already tell you? Anyone who thinks that has shit for brains. Now shut up and eat your food."

[badomensgoodomens]

BAD DECISIONS

CHAPTER FIVE

Noah Sebastian x Reader

Merry christmas!!!! haven't touched bad decisions in a while because ive been hella busy, but wanted to get this out before christmas. enjoy!!

taglist at the bottom

Sunlight poured through the cracks of the floral and fading curtains, illuminating Noah's sleeping form on the bed. The room was nostalgic, filled with memorabilia from his teen years, and even his first guitar. Across the hall was Nicholas’s old bedroom, the two seeking refuge here during every work break. As the town gradually transitioned into winter, the apple trees in Nicholas’s parents backyard began to lose their leaves. Christmas was approaching rapidly. 

Christmas was a particularly hard time for Noah, his strained relationship with his family being the cause of that. Sherene welcomed him with open arms during Christmas, always buying him gifts. Her kindness was very apparent in Nicholas as he grew older,   mother like son. She made a mean mint hot chocolate, and always made it a mission to bring Noah and Nicholas one every morning. 

For Y/N, Christmas was the absolute worst time of the year. No matter how hard Nevada and Dawn tried to make December enjoyable, the memories of growing up in a dysfunctional household had left a mark that couldn’t be easily erased. The holiday, meant to bring joy and warmth, only served as a bitter reminder of everything Y/N wished they could forget.

She poured her feelings into journals – a common christmas present for her. Even when life felt right, it still was such a melancholic period of her life. Her mornings were spent sitting on the windowsill, watching the snow fall. 

Sitting beside her was a pile of letters, a series of festive cards from distant relatives. Almost all of them asked ‘how are your parents?’ It seems as though her parents couldn’t acknowledge the fact they abandoned their children, much less let the rest of the family know. Tired hands scribbled relentless harsh poetry into a leather-bound book, words poured out as tears streamed down her face. 

Most Christmases ended like this, and birthdays too. 

Christmas eve she spent sitting in bed, staring at the wall. The boys gave her time off work for Christmas, mainly so they could spend it with their own family. Instead of putting up decorations, or wrapping presents or making cookies, she soaked her pillows with tears. 

It wasn’t like she necessarily had a reason to cry, seasonal depression was a real bitch. Therapy wasn’t helping anymore, the ‘urges’ were still there, it was like a hole in the heart that could not be fixed. The city was still, for the first time in a long time. 

The clock read 12:00 am. 

The ringing of her phone made her jump out of her skin, eyes wide, once full of tears. Glancing down at the phone number, immediate recognition filled her body. She could recognise that number anywhere, the same number that used to call her every evening, asking her to come over. 

She fumbled with her phone, shaking fingers struggling to unlock it. Her body froze, contradicted between accepting or declining. It disappeared just as quickly as it came, her breathing slowed down. With shaky hands she pulled up her chats with him, sobs wracking her cold body. 

Merry Christmas, please don’t call. 

Read 12:02 am. 

NOAHS POV 

Fuck. that was a complete accident i didn’t mean to call her. 

I’d almost forgotten about her, completely wrapped up in my own life. It was dark, I was tired, and her name was right next to Jolly’s contact. The soft sound of rain echoed through my childhood bedroom, the window cracked ajar. I would most likely catch a cold considering it was the peak of winter, but the freshness kept my anxiety at bay. It was roughly the 3rd night I'd spent, staying up until midnight doing nothing. What's one to do without someone to hold close? 

Matt had found this really cute girl who works at a record shop, nicholas was still head over heels for ivy, nick was all over his neighbour, and jolly liked some redhead. It was almost like I was falling behind, I mean I'd always considered poppy an option, but that girl gets into too much controversy for my liking. With a sigh, I pulled up my notes app. The screen brightness was blinding, but I typed out some 2025 new year's resolutions. 

Get over this train wreck 

Find a new girl to cry over

I fell asleep quickly after that, not even bothering to plug my phone in, just letting whatever depressing song that was playing drown out the ridiculous thoughts flooding my mind. 

The next morning I woke up to Nicholas pounding on my bedroom door, rousing me from my slumber. I fumbled to turn the music off, smooth my hair over and open the door. “Hey man, you look like shit. C'mon we need to head into town.” I shut the door with a groan, heading towards the ensuite. Turning the shower on, hot steam filled up the room, fogging up the mirror. A random sleep token playlist on shuffle echoed through the green tiled bathroom, accompanied by soft humming as I shampooed my long hair.

The smell of citrus lingered in the confined space, long after I had gotten out of the shower, mixing with the scent of my cologne. I sat on top of the bathroom counter, tying my shoes when Nicholas walked in, mumbling about buying Ivy the perfect present. Downstairs you could hear the clatter of Sherene’s utensils as she prepared for this evening's Christmas dinner. The familiarity of it was soothing, but as I got older Christmas started to lose all meaning. 

NEUTRAL POV 

The two of them cruised into the small, snow ridden town. It was rather busy for Christmas morning, small families bundled up in winter coats, rosy cheeks and presents in hand. It was bitter sweet, remnants of noah’s broken family threatened to still linger, but noah brushed them off. It took Nicholas approximately two fucking hours to pick a present for ivy, why he didn’t buy one earlier was beyond noah, especially considering ivy would be arriving THIS EVENING. He blames it on how long TDOPOM to produce, but we finished it a month ago, and it was on its way to be released. 

Eventually Y/N returned to work, needing the money more than anything, the atmosphere was sluggish and quiet, winter still being in full effect. She sat at her desk, replying to some angry emails from suppliers and whatnot, occasionally glancing outside at the snow fall. Soft music echoed through the intricately decorated office as she drew up some plans for the new album, her tongue sticking out slightly as she focused. Vessel, who unbeknownst to y/n, had been leaning against the doorway, cleared his throat. She yelped, turning around to face him, “what?!” “will you be able to work on feb the 25th?” he asked, stepping further into the room. “Uhh, hold that thought,” she replied, flicking through her phone. “Yeah i’m free, why?” He pulled out the chair next to her, sinking down into it. “Me and the boys got invited to Bad Omens release party for their new album. I'd bring you as a plus one, but we don’t have any extra staff to run the place other than you.” he explained, resting his hands on the back of his head. “No thanks, don’t like that band,” she waved him off, turning back to her drawing pad. 

“How come?” Vessel asked, straightening up. The air in the office was seemingly thick, awkward silence filling the air. “I don’t fuck with the main dude,” she responded vaguely. He quirked a brow, “come on, spit it out.”

…

“Quite the story if i do say so myself,” Vessel laughed, standing up from his spot. “Have fun though!” she called out as the door clicked shut. She turned back to her computer with a grumble, pulling up facetime and calling her sister. 

“Who the FUCK is natasha??” Her hurried typing fills the room, accompanied by her sister. “Wait wait wait have you seen the drummer hes really cute,” “who?” “his names nick folio” “okay i’m searching him up now” 

“OH MY GOD NEVADA IVE MET HIM BEFORE” 

“OH EM GEE WHERE?!?!” 

“AT WORK!!!”

“OH MY GOD SURELY HE’LL COME BACK AND I CAN GET HIS NUMBER AND-”

“WHO THE FUCK IS NATASHA???!!!!”

hi cuties!! How is everyone??

taglist @emluvsuxo @lacy1986 @lilcrazy011 @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @briefpersonenemy @niicolelynn @looney-goose @sister-sebastian @dominuslunae @supersquirrel1996 @jilliemiw86 @amelia-acero @littlebear423

[kissorkill16]

Fill My Empty Heart: A Hello Neighbor Fanfic

By JJ

Summary: After Mya's death, Aaron committed suicide. Mr. Peterson, desperate to have a family again, takes in the depressed and heartbroken child across the street, Nicky Roth.

Chapter 3

Enzo, Trinity, Ivan, Maritza, and Nicky walked out of the school. It was still raining like crazy, but luckily, everyone had umbrellas.

Well, everyone except Nicky.

"Nicky, are you sure you don't want to share? There's enough space under here for both of us.", asked Maritza. Nicky shook his head, letting the rain pour onto his head and wet his already messy hair.

Trinity rolled her eyes, "Nicky, you're going to catch a cold."

"I already have a cold."

Now Enzo rolled his eyes, "Are you still coming over for movie night?"

Nicky nodded, "I'll be there. I just have a stop to make and then I just want to take a shower."

Enzo nodded.

Once everyone else turned the corner to Enzo and Maritza's house, Nicky ran in the opposite direction and stopped when he reached the place he needed to go to.

Raven Brooks Cemetery.

He walked through the gates, his shoes digging into the mud as he walked around, searching for Aaron's tombstone.

When he found it, he walked to it and just stood in front of it.

"Hey, Aaron. Hey, Mya.", he said to the grave. "I miss you."

He reached into his backpack and took out two small bouquets of flowers, setting it down next to the graves. "These are for you."

Then Nicky sat down next to the grave.

"I really miss you so much, guys.", he said, his voice cracking a little bit. "I haven't been the same ever since you..."

He didn't want to say it, he knew he'd cry again. But what was the point? He already felt like he was going to cry again anyway. He didn't know how it was possible. He'd already cried so much today.

Nicky balled his hands into fists, "Why did you do it, Aaron?", he asked. "Did you think no one would miss you? Well guess what! I miss you! I miss you so fucking much! I don't know why the hell you thought no one would care about you after you and Mya died! I CARE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

He didn't care that people were walking by, probably wondering why a teenager was yelling at a grave. He just kept yelling at his dead best friends.

He tried taking deep breaths like Ms. Brown told him to do, but it did nothing to calm him down.

Nicky ran to a tree next to someone else's tomb and just started punching it. Yes, it hurt, but he wasn't in his right mind right now. Pain was irrelevant.

He stopped when he felt his legs give out. He slid down to his knees, looking down at his bruised and bleeding knuckles, finally feeling the pain when the rain poured on them.

He stood up, trying to walk out of the cemetery on his tired legs.

When Nicky got home, he stepped onto his front porch and was about to open the door, but it was locked.

He noticed a small piece of paper underneath the doormat, he picked it up and read it.

Dear Nicky,

We'll be home late tonight, so call us if you plan on going anywhere. There's money on the table, order pizza if you'd like.

Love,

Mom and Dad.

Nicky angrily tore up the note and threw it into a puddle. He just wanted to take a damn shower, and it was freaking cold and raining outside, which made him feel even worse.

Before he could turn around, he felt himself being covered by a long, hulking shadow. He didn't turn around out of fear, but when he heard that familiar voice, he felt the hairs on his arms stand on end.

"Nicholas?"

Nicky slowly turned around to look at the man who was casting the shadow, and his heart plummeted when he saw who it was, but he didn't know why. He already recognized the voice.

Mr. Peterson.

[crystal-cloudzz]

sbg headcanons (part 1/2)

ashlyn 🎧💚

-shes only cut her hair once, she hated it

-shes used to want to do a sport, but in one class, she got introduced to ballet and fell in love with it

-i don't know why but I have a strong feeling she'd love apple, grape and raspberry flavoured stuff

-every time when she was younger and saw a dog she begged the owner for it (they said no)

-she already has lots of freckles. She gets even more in sunlight

-shes a beach and mountain girl

Aiden 🔪💛

-has depression but got very good at hiding it

-used to sh

-has insomnia

-sprayed chemicals into eyes once by accident

-hes an avid great wall of china Eiffel tower burg khalifa skyscraper tree climber, he climbs to the peak then jumps off

-his parents keep forgetting his birthday, and his dad even keeps forgetting his name (he calls him aaron)

-once had a really good friend then moved

-hes the type to suggest to Netflix and chill then put on how to train your dragon 3 and pass you 7 tubs of chocolate ice cream then says "eat up :D" with a creepy grin

-has a fear of being left alone

-used to be sucidal

-hes a smileycore bitch, like with the drugs aspect and everything

-"oh it doesn't hurt, I'm fine" *arm literally snapped in half, twisted 360 degrees behind his back

-cant cook for shit. Not even 5 minute noodles are safe

-very self destructive

-hin dying his hair is a coping mechanism

-has a bad relationship with his parents (mainly his dad)

-his latest b-day party was when he was 5

-attention deprived

-touch starved

-once add raw meat to get attention (it worked, he never did it again afterwards)

Ben 🎤🤎

-trans male

-sofia the first (that's it. That's all I'm saying)

-has a way with animals, it's like he's telepathic with them

-no but he's actually Sofia the first I have so much proof for it I have an entire au for it

-cant cook either, can only bake

-makes the best cakes and you can't convince me otherwise

-hes the reason Aiden bounces off walls all the time

-always one of the last to be found at hide and seek (except when Lily's playing. Then he goes easy on her)

Oh btw Aiden and Tyler are my favourites if you couldn't tell by the abundance of Aiden hcs

[cru5h-cascades]

Ight... who is this Clockwork lookin' bitch I just introduced to y'all?

Time to talk about my second Emio AU, the Doll Woman AU, or at least the legend and the tragedy behind it. This AU is similar to @ruinationz's Reverse Club AU but the Tsuzuki siblings' fates are swapped (and a few other aspects of the story are too) so yeah would you look at that things are coming full circle lol.

The Legend

The Doll Woman appears before depressed boys on the streets all alone and she'll offer them a handmade ragdoll. If the boy takes it without questioning her, the Doll Woman will spare him. If not, she'll take out a pair of scissors, slit their mouth into a huge smile, strangle them with rope until they're dead, and place the ragdoll she tried to give him into his hands.

The tragedy of the Tsuzuki siblings in this AU goes as follows...

Instead of being abused by their father and being left behind by their mother, the siblings are neglected by their mother while their father went out for cigarettes and never came back (not actually but you get the idea). Being ignored and not taken care of by their mother brought the two siblings down big time, especially Minoru. To combat this, Emiko, who had some decent hand stitching skills, made some ragdolls for the two of them so they could play together and be happy. She even made two very special dolls for each other: miniature versions of each other. She gave the mini her to Minoru and kept the ragdoll of her brother so that way no matter what they'd be together in some way. The siblings were very close to each other... which made the discovery of Emiko's brother's hanging body with a slit mouth all the more saddening. The boy had tried to keep a positive attitude for his sister for the longest time but deep down he was coming undone. While his sister was asleep, Minoru took the ragdoll of his sister, put it in his pocket, Jeff the Killer-ed his face, got one of his father's old abandoned ties and hung himself from a tree somewhere in the village.

Seeing her uncaring mother at her brother's funeral filled Emiko with rage, so much so that afterwards Emiko lashed out at her mother and stabbed her to death with the very same scissors her brother used on himself. Soon enough, Emiko was sent to juvie, and during that time she grew some resentment towards her late brother. She just couldn't comprehend why he'd do such a thing and she was furious that he had just left her there with their mother who couldn't care less about her kids. The hatred towards her brother didn't affect her that much since deep down she still loved him, at least until a certain event that happened sometime after her release from juvie.

After being set free, Emiko became a seamstress and started hanging out with this one dude (name TBD). The two were pretty close, but Emiko never told him about her past until one night where she invited him to her house. After telling her guy friend about her childhood, her friend didn't have the best reaction, with him being disgusted by what she had done and wanting to leave shortly after she had told him what he just heard.

And then, Emiko overreacted.

"Oh, there you go again. Trying to leave me all alone again. YOU'RE THE WORST BROTHER IN THE WORLD!"

She then grabbed a nearby pair of scissors and lunged at her guy friend, slitting his mouth into a smile and choking him to death shortly afterwards. After realizing what she had done, Emiko became racked with guilt and slit her own mouth, stitching the ends of her mouth up with thick black tread afterwards. She then grabbed some of her sewing stuff, put the ragdoll of her brother into her pocket (she views that ragdoll as the perfect version of her brother that never left her and is always in a good mood), placed another ragdoll into her friend's hands, and set her own house on fire to cover her tracks, running to a nearby forest to hide out. Once she found somewhere to stay, she decided to go to sad boys on the streets and offer them dolls. If they took the doll and didn't question it, she'd assume they didn't know about the things she has done as a child and leave them be. If they have a negative reaction however, Emiko will assume the boy is her brother and take him out the same way she did with her guy friend since she's still upset that her brother just left her like that all those years ago. Emiko uses the sack with button eyes to conceal her identity when she's goin' out killing boys but simply uses a face mask when out in public not killing.

[crowwithinternetaccess]

For those that gaf, I have a playlist of my imagined soundtrack for Indigostar's Corruption (my warrior cats fanfic) if it were a show or a movie. Here's the link!

ALSO I'm adding my (current) list of the songs and descriptions/explanations for how they fit. Obvious spoiler warning if anyone's actually planning on reading the fic (...my ao3 is linked in my pinned post. 👀) but here's the list if ur curious (beware it's pretty long LOL):

Kids - Current Joys

Plays in chapter 1 probably after Indigokit “attacks” Volekit. It would start at the beginning or in the middle, just at a part with that instrumental hook.

Chamber of Reflection - Mac DeMarco

Plays in chapter two while Indigopaw is changing the elder’s nests. It just sounds right for that scene. Have a focus on Indigopaw’s feelings about how he’s being treated.

(Would start at the beginning of the song and probably fade out when the lyrics start).

Forwards Beckon Rebound - Adrianne Lenker:

Plays at the end of chapter two as Indigopaw sleeps in the apprentices’ den and into the credits. Represents how his path to villainy started with sadness and abandonment, and how at the beginning he was really just a sad little kid.

(Would start with the instrumental that starts at 1:53 as just background music, with more of a focus on the music when the lyrics start up at 2:18. It would show flashbacks to when he was found on ThunderClan territory, then the credits would roll at 2:44)

Fade Into You - Mazzy Star

(Chapter Unknown) would play after or over a sad scene. This is only really here because the song sounds really somber, even though I think it’s a love song.

Devil Town - Cavetown

Plays at the end of chapter 3 after Indigowing argues with Branchpaw. It would start at the beginning of the song and show him going to sleep.

At 0:19 when the beat drops is when the credits would roll.

Oh Klahoma - Jack Stauber

Definitely just background music of a sad scene.

Bang Bang Bang Bang - Sohodolls

(Chapter Unknown) probably would play after a training scene and represents Indigopaw’s realization that his mentor is a massive bitch. I think this would be quiet and have dialogue over it until 0:41 or 1:04, where the music would be the focus. 

Who Knows Where the Time Goes - Fairport Convention

(Chapter Unknown) more backing for a depressing scene. More of Indigopaw feeling like no one likes him. Maybe this would be after a scene of Shadedpool yet again failing at being a good mother 💀 

Song 2 - Blur

(Chapter unknown) this song represents a younger Indigopaw just being edgy. This song would happen at some point in the story before he becomes a warrior. It would be the background music of some scene of him being edgy (probably during battle training, play fighting way too rough with Branchpaw.) It MIGHT could be the background music for the argument Branchpaw and him have at the end of chapter 3. 

I’m so Sick - Flyleaf

(Chapter unknown) This song would mark the start of Indigowing being truly evil rather than just hurt. It would probably start at the beginning of the song after Volestrike gets chosen as ThunderClan’s next deputy and on a closeup of Indigowing’s enraged expression. When the angry part of the song starts it would probably cut to him running in the forest and then stopping to slash the fuck out of a tree because he’s really angry, and clearly thinking about murdering a bitch.

Digital Silence - Peter McPoland

(Chapter Unknown) this is just another background song for something edgy that happens.

Burning Pile - Mother Mother

(Chapter Unknown) this would play over a scene with talking and at 0:55 would be a closeup on Indigpwing’s reaction to what was said. Maybe the scene would be Volestrike getting onto him for something. After 0:55 could be Indigwing fantasizing about ThunderClan burning down or him attacking everyone/Volestrike specifically being burnt up/attacked by him. At “and I start to smile” show Indigo smiling evilly. At “pearly… gates” show the night sky or something and the music would fade out to end the scene.

I Hope You Die - TTSSFU

(Chapter Unknown) Background Music that represents Indigowing’s hatred for Volestrike.

Paint It, Black - The Rolling Stones

(Chapter Unknown) this would probably play over a montage. It represents Indigowing going full emo mode. He’s just super angry at everyone in ThunderClan and this is like the lead up to the confrontation with Volestrike. It would probably be the start of the chapter that ends with Volestrike confronting him for his behavior. (Possible: abrupt cut-off as Indigowing looks at Volestrike right as the lyrics say “I could not foresee this thing happening to you” and it would cut off right before the beat drops. It would cut off as Volestrike says something irritably and loudly, like he’s interrupting Indigowing’s emo ass montage.)

Yeah - The Unusuals

(Chapter unknown) 100% the song that plays after Indigowing is exiled from TC. It would start at the beginning right after Birdstar tells him he’s exiled and play as he leaves camp, giving all his former clanmates a smug look of “yeah I’m evil hehe”. When the lyrics start it would play a short montage of him traveling to WindClan. After “Yeah” is yelled for the first time at around 0:37, WindClan’s camp would be shown from a slight distance and the music would begin to fade out.

Trouble is My Middle Name - Bobby Vinton

(Chapter unknown) This would definitely play when Indigowing enters WindClan, probably right as Spottedshadow sees him. I think it should only be background music though and dialogue could play over it.

Ain’t it Fun - Paramore

(Chapter Unknown) this would just be the background music for a scene, probably of Indigowing and Spottedshadow are starting to fall in “love” (or whatever it is they have for each other); it’s the first time either of them have really felt connected to someone.

Angel - New Dad

(Unknown Chapter) would play over some somber or emo moment of Indigowing being edgy emo furry oc

The Unknowing - Jfarrari

(Unknown Chapter) would play after a scene that really cements the fact that Indigowing is an evil sadistic ass mf. When the lyrics start, the credits would roll.

Bugman - Blur

(Chapter Unknown) this is another background track of just Indigowing being evil at any point in the story. 

Hayloft - Mother Mother

(Chapter Unknown) I think this would play when Indigowing or Spottedshadow (not sure who yet) kills Spottedshadow’s ex. I kinda want to do this in a more creative sequence that flashes forwards and backwards, showing both of them at different times of the murder. The random music flourishes and the parts where they say “loft!” could be flashes forward of the dead body being dumped into the gorge, something like that.

Tell Me Not To Hurt - The Shades

(Chapter Unknown) Most of the song would be sporadic background track (probably throughout the chapter) and 1:31 would have a focus on the music, focusing on Indigowing’s emotions or actions. It’s about how he thinks he’s been wronged and is hurting because of it. The somber, ominous feeling of the music contributes to how Indigowing deals with the hurt in evil ass ways.

505 - Arctic Monkeys

(Chapter Unknown) This is just background music but it represents Indigowing’s longing and dedication to return to and destroy ThunderClan. Idk what the actual song is about though lmfao

Jealous - Eyedress

(Chapter Unknown) Indigowing’s relationship with Spottedshadow is a bit strained because he’s kinda a giant asshole. The end.

Broken Heart - The Contessas

(Chapter Unknown) This would just be an ominous background track for a scene near the end of the story, and would probably play after the scene of Indigowing and Spottedshadow breaking up (if I decide to go that route) If I do, after 0:56 would be a scene of Spottedshadow going to ThunderClan to warn them about the attack Indigowing is planning.

The Old Man’s Back Again - Scott Walker

(Chapter Unknown) This plays very close to the end confrontation/climax of the story. It would show all the characters in a montage and would end after one of the choruses on Indigostar preparing to give the announcement that he’s declaring war on ThunderClan.

-This is subject to change btw! And definitely subject to more songs being added (I'm adding more as we speak) but as of the exact moment of me posting this, it's up to date.

[thereyvan]

Humorous Chapter Titles: A Very Long Compilation

What The Fuck Is A Driver’s License 

In Which We Learn Why Tiny Demons Shouldn’t Drive Cars 

Asses Were Kicked In This One 

Welcome To Cry Time, Bitch 

Well, I Guess That Happened 

Not This Shit Again 

Why Does God Hate Me 

Stop Calling Me A Twink(I’m Straight And Have A Girlfriend) 

He Said That If You Call Him A Catboy One More Time, He’ll Scratch You 

Fuck The Moon 

I Fucked Your Mom And She Liked It 

Alexa, Play Can You Feel My Heart By Bring Me The Horizon 

She’s Cheer Captain And I’ve Been Suffering For A Really Long Time 

The Boys Are Back In Town(And They Brought Some Trauma) 

It Is Wednesday My Dudes 

Fuck You And Your Ugly Christmas Sweater 

Never Gonna Give You Up, Probably Gonna Let You Down 

Dance Dance Till You’re Falling Apart To Halftime 

Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Adult 

Really? Right In Front Of My Crocs? 

That’s Not Even Remotely Reassuring 

Facing God And Moonwalking Into Hell 

Well, When Life Gives You Lemons, (Insert Screaming Here) 

You Can Probably Tell That The Author Failed Chemistry 

Standing On A Pile Of Corpses Whilst Eating An Entire Package Of Peeps 

Shitty Advice From A Dumbass Demon Guy 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, And Acceptance Of Depression 

Look At All Those Chickens 

Everyone’s Favorite Pedophile 

Sir That’s Our Emotional Support Asshole 

You Give Love A Bad Name 

Externally A Ghost, Internally A Zombie 

The Author Can’t Stop Traumatizing The Protagonist 

Falling Out Of A Tree 

That Wasn’t Supposed To Happen 

Literally Nobody Agreed To This 

When The Fuck Is This Story Going To End 

We Don’t Get Bitches, We Are Bitches 

The Good, The Bad, And The Even Worse 

This Meme Is Dead, But There Isn’t Any Way To Describe This Other Than Ohio Moment 

Oh My God, They Were Roommates 

Devastation Demolition 

Take This Chance Like A Pill 

I Would Literally Rather Be Dead 

Ohana Means Family 

Parkouring Into Purgatory 

You Take That Back 

Where Is Your Turkey God Now 

Rallying For Kinder Eggs 

All Aboard The Fun Train To Party Hell 

God Is Canon And I’m The Author Now 

We Put The “Fun” Into Dysfunction 

My Bed Is A Grave, So Shovel Dirt Onto My Sheets 

The Odd-yssey 

“He’s Well Hung” And I Am Hanging Up 

Orgasm Smile 

I Shot Romance In The Chest 

Who The Hell Ruined My Life(I Did) 

I’m A Loose Bolt Of A Complete Machine 

Stop Ending Every Sentence With Bitch, Bitch 

And Here We Have The Mentally Disturbed 

Professional Conflict Escalator 

Hey Look At This Rock I Found 

Crime’s Only Crime If You Get Caught 

Refuge In A Gay Nightclub 

Neurodivergency Called And Had A Panic Attack(They Hate Talking On The Phone) 

Ending Conversations Before They Start 

You Can’t Stop Me From Not Being Okay 

Suck My Co- Wait You Weren’t Supposed To- Oh… 

No, You Can’t Go Scuba Diving In The Wishing Well 

I Pissed Your Pants 

Dismember Me For Centuries 

Time For Crab 

Men’s Tits, Am I Right? 

[starry-slithers]

Hello,

It's me again. I really like the tangerine anecdote. It's so sweet and playful. 🍊✨

What kind of children were Avania and Cariad before they went to Hogwarts?

What’s the biggest bit of mischief they got up to? 🤭 And more importantly, did they get caught? 👀😅

Have a nice day. 🌟 Your Secret Santa 🎅

anon when I catch you you’re getting the fattest mouth kiss ever. Again, pink is Avi, green is Cari

This child was basically the defenition of ‘tell me you’re autistic without telling me you’re autistic’. Bitch would not shut the fuck up about marine life and sharks and everything a Victorian would know about the sea. And she had no friends (lol loser) and her best friend was her big brother Alex (oooooo Avi lore) It was basically a Ginny and Bill Weasley dynamic between the two. She would follow him everywhere. She was also the biggest tomboy “Where’s Avania?” “Oh dw she’s up a tree or something idk but she’s all good”. Bitch is covered in dirt 25/8. And instead of sitting with the widdle kids at family gatherings, she sat with the grownups and for some reason lil miss liked talking abt politics with them???Idk why????She just wanted to be a grownup and know about the world around her. She was very argumentative too and ridiculously mature for such a young age (she says, while brandishing a stick and pretending to stab herself with it like a knight.) But alas, the joy ended when she was 7…🤭

Cariad, as a little girl, was just so cute 🥺🥺🥺. Just a little girl with hair over her side in a badly done plait, always grinning. She didn’t really get why other kids didn’t like her despite trying so, so hard (people pleaser from a young age, I respect the hustle). Truth was, the other kids found her weird. All she had was Saoirse and Liam. She was also basically the nerd emoji because in lessons she was always having her hand up, always being an ‘apple polisher’ as my friend would put it. She liked things near and orderly and often appeared bossy to the other kids. She got work experience young- helping her mum often in the bakery. She was a massive ballet girl and got the lead role in most school plays, your average gifted kid. Obviously she had a burnout but this is abt kid Cari not depressed Cari.

Avi’s biggest mischief was cutting off her waist length brown hair until it was chin length (messily cut) and then dyed it pink for the first time when she was 12. Obviously she got caught. But by then her parents didn’t love her, blaming her for Alex’s death (more lore tehehe).

Cariad was…not the most mischievous. Just a very good girl tbh. But her biggest mischief was, in the school plays, stepping on a girls dress purposely because the girl bullied her. To this day she hasn’t been caught.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2016 I was surprised to find my blog included on the list of Top 2016 Blogs. :) I learned this when I saw it was the referral page of one of my visitors.

Went to the pool just before 6pm. It was 100 degrees and desert dry. The water aerobics was just finishing up. I saw a woman (Debby?) I recognized from the afternoon aerobics that’s been here 7 years and met a couple that just moved in 2 weeks ago.

Here’s the shocking part… the pool is to be locked at 8pm due to vandalism. Here?!?! I guess maybe some kids were jumping the fence and cutting the locks, so they started using these cable locks. But why close the pool 2 hours earlier due to this?

Contacted a local rattery about their rats, but haven’t heard back from them yet. That’s too bad because I’m very hesitant to get any more rats from pet store chains. They simply don’t take the time to handle them enough from birth so that they’re not as shy.

Noticed that I’m not as hungry much lately, not that I’m complaining. I also noticed I haven’t had that intense PMS hunger in months where I’ll have a day or two before my period where all I want to do is eat yet I never feel satisfied. These days, however, I don’t know when it’s coming because it’s gotten erratic.

Still hear from the woodpecker every now and then in the early mornings. Fortunately, it can’t wake me up thanks to the sound machine I play during my sleep, but it’s annoying when I am up. It usually only makes a few pecks, but any more and I must shoo it away with a broom. During vacation, Tom’s going to blow leaves and debris from the roof. It’s after fallen seeds from trees and stuff like that.

So it took me 3 pillows to find the right one. Surprisingly, the longer bamboo pillow I got with shredded memory foam was harder to shape to my liking than the shorter one, so now I’m back to using that one, and that’s the one I’ll stick with. It’s ideal for all sleeping positions.

Although I know I won’t get a reply, I messaged Joan’s family and explained that I live in California now, was a student of hers, and would love to see any pics of her from the 70s if they had any.

Later…

So Holly must’ve seen my message on Facebook cuz now her friend list is invisible. Although I didn’t tell her or Shannan that I found Shannan through her list, she obviously put two and two together. Or she told Shannan she heard from me and Shannan said, “Funny, cuz so did I.”

Still kinda insulting if you ask me. Not replying to someone is one thing. Hiding like a coward is another. It makes a person feel almost feared for absolutely no reason at all, not to mention insulted. Maybe she just figured that if I could find her and her friends, so could others. But all I did was say hello to them. I didn’t stalk, harass and badger them. So why be so rude about it? It’s almost like she might as well have replied with, “Ew! Who the hell wants to hear from you? Go away! I’m gonna hide my friends from you now, you ugly, unwanted, crazy loon.”

It will be interesting to see how she acts the next time she cleans my teeth.

The more I see Aly bitch about the depression she tried to pin on me, the less I miss her

Contacted a local rattery this evening. Hope to hear from them soon. Really want to check them out over his vacation. One more day!

3.5 hours to go till Camp NaNoWriMo begins! Not very prepared, though. I mean I have a basic plot mapped out, but no real details as of yet. With this soft word count of 10K, that’s less than 400 words a day needed to hit my goal, so I’m not worried about it.

Shane is now fully finished. I shared it on Facebook with Tammy, but don’t know if I’ll share it elsewhere just yet. It’s over 16K.

How did Bob manage to get the blinds up over the garage window that faces the afternoon sun without waking me up? That’s like right outside the bedroom window, and I would think that would take some hammering, unless he drilled the hooks in.

I told Tom that I hoped he wasn’t trying to cool the garage for upcoming projects, and he said he doubted it or else he’d just throw an AC in the window. I’m surprised he hasn’t already.

The new people are still behaving, but that could be because of the heat. It’s safe enough to say the people next to them won’t be a problem, but it’s still too soon to judge them.

Started the only diet that seems to work for me, once again, due to waking up at 154.8. That’s getting a bit high for me. Wish I knew the magic number I could safely diet down to without my meds backfiring on me, though if it were under 120 it wouldn’t matter. I’m more interested in not being so damn fat than I am in getting “skinny.” I’m probably a size 14. Well, I don’t need to be a size 3 again, but somewhere between 8-10 might be nice. It would give me a little more mobility.

I had a dream I was running across the street and opening a mailbox the size of a round Pringles potato chip can. In it was a tennis ball. I shut the “mailbox” door and raced back across the street. A young Hispanic man grinned at me lustily and I found it odd being a fit but aging fatty.

Then a delivery truck pulled up with only 1 of 3 (coloring books?) I ordered. Tom took the one that was handed to him and told the guy that we were expecting 3.

For some reason, I thought the guy might turn violent and I wanted to be prepared to try to fight if need be, so I slipped on a pair of long bright yellow pants that were skin tight and totally see-through.

But then the guy left and I told Tom that we better stop using “off-brand” delivery services and just stick to the well-known companies.

In the last dream, I was floating on this thick gross mossy “raft” on a pond somewhere. Something dangerous, though I don’t know what, lurked in the waters and I was afraid the makeshift raft would sink.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2016 I was watching the 90s movie Flowers in the Attic. I’ve read the book and seen the movie but watched it anyway since it had been a long time. I thought of how the evil grandmother reminded me of Joan Bowe, a 5th-grade teacher in the elementary school I went to that I had a “crush” on, or whatever the proper word is for being just 10 years old at the time and therefore totally non-physical. I might have even been as young as 8 when I first saw her.

So out of curiosity I ran her name and found she JUST died last month. Wow. This is the first obit I ever saw that gave the cause of death – dementia and diabetes.

My mind then reflected on some 40-year-old memories. She hated me. She would never dare say as much, but looking back on it now, I’m sure she must have at least a little bit. In modern times she probably would’ve been quicker to catch on to why I was such an obnoxious kid and maybe even felt a bit sorry for me. But this was the 70s. Nobody felt sorry for kids that acted out due to their shitty upbringings. Your home life was private and you were expected to be “normal” in every sense of what the word meant back then. Yet I got on her nerves, acting out mostly for attention, and even called her a few times. Not to prank her, but just to talk, which eventually got back to my parents, of course. They ordered me never to call her again and I didn’t.

Mrs. Bowe was heavy but had a pleasant face and nice long dark hair. Interestingly enough, though, I never saw it down. She put it up every single day. Buns weren’t a big thing back then, so she sort of clipped it up with a large barrette. Never even wore it in a braid or a ponytail. Guess it wasn’t considered very professional back then.

I feel bad for the letter I sent her back in 2000 or so before the freeloaders really raked me over the coals. My main point was to point out what I just said; yes, I was obnoxious and I was sorry for that, but kids don’t usually behave in the way that I did without a damn good reason. One that’s no fault of their own. We’re responsible for our own actions as adults, but are we really as children? I don’t think kids are 100% responsible for their actions and behavior. Then again, sometimes not even adults are. If a man comes at me with a knife and I kill him for it, did they really leave me much choice?

It wasn’t pointing this out that I regret. I shouldn’t have mindfucked her while I was at it and said I dated her son just to shock and maybe piss her off. I never even met her son. The obit says he was married with 3 kids. I’ll bet she treated him similarly to how my mother treated my sibs and me. Mrs. Bowe was a very stern woman. No one really liked her.

The last time I saw her was at some teacher meeting at Williams Middle School. I was in grade 7 or 8. She was then around 40 and had cut her hair off.

In 1988 at age 49, she lost her 63-year-old husband. Damn, that’s a long time to be a widow!

RIP, Mrs. Bowe. You were a bitch, but a hard worker who probably had quite a bit of her own baggage to deal with.

I can’t stand to be on Facebook right now with all the daddy posts the girls are slamming on the feed. Ugh! I get it. I really do. I just don’t need the unwanted reminders/memories.

His obit said Lisa’s got a “life partner,” Michael Beebe. What happened to marrying Jasper?

Remembered that Aly could actually read my only public blog without me knowing it. I remembered last night that I tested and verified this for her not too long ago. She might not have been so quick to admit it but she always preferred to follow me on my-diary because I couldn’t track visitors there. Then she set things up so she’d appear invisible to my tracker when I dropped my-diary.

So much for me making Aly depressed based on the tweet I just read about how getting overlooked triggers her depression and how it’s hard being a newbie. A newbie where? shrugs Either way, I think she’ll always be depressed until she realizes that most of it comes from her, physiological or not, and stops blaming others for it. Yet she always does, sometimes directly, other times in a roundabout way. Sure, people can influence our moods; I just think she’s putting more of it on others when it should be on herself. But it’s her life, her moods, her choice. :)

LOL at her always having to repeat herself to Kim… as always. His fault or not, I hated having to do that with Andy.

Kim must’ve been really curious about Aly’s “real” and “happy” dream because she got her to elaborate even more on it. She said it was just her getting an email from me. How is it “unrealistic” to get an email from someone? Perhaps it’s because I don’t know her current email account. She changes accounts more than anyone I’ve ever known and I’ve always wondered why, too. Not judging, just curious.

Ask her what I said in that email, Kim. :)

I must be more psychic than Aly at least this time around because my ultrasound showed NO signs of plaque building up in my arteries – yay! It would explain why I had no nightmares warning me that trouble was amiss. If I have dreams warning me about others I would certainly get a heads-up if my own ass were on its way up Shit’s Creek. :) I was a little worried, though, cuz these people don’t usually call with good news.

So if the retrial is a bust I can tell the doc that I’m not only sick of the medicine drama and need a serious break from it, but I don’t have any plaque anyway!

The only negative is that we’re back to square one as to what’s making me dizzy. We’re still thinking it’s perimenopause-related. I had a nice week off, but it’s been bad again these last few days.

Tom may have a point when he suggests that my earaches could be allergies, which would also explain why it’s intermittent. I have no toothache on that side, and I do sometimes feel fluid draining in the very back of my throat that seems to come from that side. Afterward, my ear feels better. But why did it take nearly a decade after surgery to become an issue, and why does congestion make it ache? Damaged nerves from surgery? Inner ear tube issues? The problem is I can’t take decongestants just anytime I want to because they make me so drowsy. I don’t want to feel like napping when I go to work out or run out to the store. I just hope I feel good and well-rested for our vacation. Can’t wait!

I thought I might sleep shitty since I slept well the last time around, but I slept ok. Surprisingly, I only slept 6-7 hours the last two nights. Usually, I need 8-9 hours.

TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2016 Happy birthday to Tom! Too bad he has to work today. He’s got 5 goals he hopes to accomplish by the time he hits his 60s next year. He wants to get to 200 pounds or less, get his blood sugar to 90, sell at least one computer program, do the floors we want to do, and get rid of those hideously ugly Cypress trees alongside the carport. Well, he won’t get rid of them, but whomever we hire to come and feed them to their wood chipper will.

The thought of him entering his 60s is a bit of a sad and scary thought to me, though I typically don’t consider one to be “old” until they’re over 65. Then again, I know it’s how the person feels and that age is just a number. Still, the 60s is a far cry from the 30s, which is where he was when we met. He was just about to turn 35 actually.

Later…

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a dead Bill G! I feel horrible for my nieces, but being the mean little shit he was to so many others, I can only say that I hope his suffering was immense and intense in the end.

I also hope Tom’s right in thinking that no, Tammy’s not still in love with him. I know we can’t help who we love, but I sure would wonder about her if there were still any lingering feelings other than for the girls’ sadness and at such a young age.

While the girls see him as their oh-so-wonderful daddy, I still see him as the guy that abused women and children and helped get me thrown in jail for daring to speak up about it. He never did a day in jail for his abuse, as he should have, while I did time for words on paper. God only knows what other people the freeloaders may’ve pissed off that sent things to them that were automatically assumed to be from me and therefore pinned on me.

Meanwhile, I slept really well (which means I’ll probably sleep shitty next time around), so if the dead can pick on the living, he hasn’t gotten to me yet.

Doc A’s office left a message at 5 o’clock asking that I call them back. I left the damn phone on the bathroom counter when they called and was in the living room. I know it’s pointless to worry about it now, but I couldn’t help but feel a stab of fear course through me. I also couldn’t help but remember Alison’s tweet about having a dream that scared her the day before my ultrasound. I know she was referring to me, but to the best of my knowledge, she has not been reading my blog at all.

If I’m up late enough I’ll have to call in the morning. If not, I wonder if maybe Tom should try to call and get information or not. I’m hoping that like he said they’re just calling to tell me everything’s okay, but that’s not the feeling I get, even though it doesn’t seem reasonable that they’d wait this long to contact me if something were wrong. It’s been almost 2 weeks since the ultrasound.

I’m having “normal” anxiety right now where I’m a bit shaky and feeling like I have to take a dump I can’t take. The kind I’d get in the hotel and trailer. My heart isn’t racing or pounding. Just slightly trembling hands and shaky breath, but I don’t feel like I’m suffocating. Just got a bad feeling. When are things ever that easy for me anyway? My ear’s been worse (especially laying down), I’m dizzy again, and well, something’s been determined to shit on my health these last 2 years, just like I feared it would if we got a nice place to live and were comfortable financially.

Oh, to go back to having my worst problems be getting rejected by someone I was interested in. Or wanting something I could never have. Or wanting to be something I could never be. I miss these so-called problems as opposed to worrying about my health and mind and how medication may affect it. I still worry about growing old, too.

If those who believe we’re not given more than we can handle are correct, then I’ve got to be “killed” with Tom or before he dies.

The reincarnation theory still makes no sense due to population fluctuations, and I think it’s still safe to say that the dead can’t influence the living. If they could, wouldn’t our loved ones influence more of us to win the lottery? And wouldn’t they help end or prevent our suffering? Think of a murder victim whose killer goes on to have a great life with all kinds of great things. Well, certainly they would see to it that they were miserable if they could, wouldn’t they?

But what I don’t know is whether or not there’s a God up there punishing me or why it would inflict me with so many issues if there is. Earaches and dizziness may not be as bad as kick-ass anxiety that leaves you feeling like you’re about to die, but it’s bad enough to make me wonder about things. Did I stab someone in the ear in a previous life if I had one? Or could it be that ant I stepped on in 1996 or something? I just wonder if I’m going to be forced to scramble to try to figure out one issue after another until I die. Yet so much of it remains shrouded in mystery. No ear doctor has ever helped my ear and no one’s ever told me why I’m dizzy. I can only guess it’s the perimenopause or my ear. I don’t think I have low BP or low blood sugar. I don’t think it’s anxiety either.

After thinking Aly wasn’t going to tweet today, she just tweeted that she’s back on iron shots. But is her blood cancer cured?

Also, I’ve been wondering if the dream Aly last tweeted about was positive or negative, and thanks to Kim, she answered that question. I can’t actually see Kim’s tweets as they’re protected, but it was obvious enough that she was asking about it just from Aly’s side of the conversation. Aly said it was “nice. Unrealistic but a happy dream.”

I love those kinds of dreams. I’ve had some pertaining to Nane, but most of the dreams I’ve had about Aly were either neutral or negative, to be honest. Would really love to know what that dream was that scared her because she too, has proven to have dream premonitions. She’s as intuitive as she is smart. Hoping that the fact that I myself haven’t had any questionable dreams is a good sign, though, but time will tell. As Tom, Tammy and Stacey always say… think positive and don’t worry about what isn’t actually happening yet, if it does at all.

Firecrackers sure are happening now, though. Sounds close too, like it could be in the park, but maybe not. Sound travels better at night. But why now? It’s not the 4th yet.

Anyway, a part of me feels guilty for following Aly’s tweets even though they’re public and technically anyone can see them. She’ll change accounts soon, though. She always does.

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but a while back I was the one to actually dump Aly. This was the first time I caught her being deceptive, though she promptly owned up to it, took total responsibility, and apologized. I quickly came to regret my decision to cut ties with her, realizing how much I’d miss her and how she has so much more good in her than bad, reached out to her, and we resumed our friendship. A part of me is hoping that she is or does eventually read this and does the same for me, but not expecting it.

I feel worse for how I handled her dumping me. I realize I shouldn’t have said and done some of the things I did, and while I’m truly sorry for it, I can’t go back and undo it either. Nothing’s changed… I miss her, I would take her back into my life even if I shouldn’t, but she has decided she’s totally sure she wants me out of it, so I’ll stay out and remember what others have told me… true friends are always there for us. Always. They may not always agree with us and they may voice their opinions at times, but they always love and accept us just the way we are.

They say that if we’re thinking of someone, they sense it and think of us too, if it’s someone we know. In other words, I can’t think of Kate Jackson and expect her to think of me in return or anything like that. Maybe I should make a point of thinking about Aly more. LOL, I’ve always wanted to “make” people dream of me. Only thing is that most of those people wouldn’t be happily skipping through a park with me or enjoying a nice chat with good food, know what I mean? I don’t want to chase Aly through a dark forest or toss her off a rooftop, but it’s nice (and kinda funny) for her to be reminded of my existence, the person she one day tossed aside.

Love reading about myself on the rare occasion I’m mentioned (that isn’t in an insulting way). I know it sounds funny as hell, but it’s almost like being in touch without still being in touch. I know I should let go completely and never ever look in on her, but it’s harmless and time will cause me to do just that anyway.

For now, I sometimes wonder if I should, well, not “fight” for her, but make one last-ditch effort to see if we can work things out and resume the friendship, but I feel I’ve been the one to play that role one too many times in life. I’d like to see someone fight for me for once. I just don’t want it to always be on me, you know? Yet the longer she stays away, the more I’m sure she really meant it when she said there was no going back.

As I’ve learned, never think anyone’s in your life to stay, cuz maybe they’re not. I wasn’t 100% sure that Aly and I would always be friends but I was in the 90s. They say, however, that in 7 years from now, we won’t have the same friends. Well, we were friends for 8 years, and I’m still friends with Christine, Adonis and Mitch, but many friends and acquaintances from 2009 are no longer in my life. Nothing bad necessarily happened with all of them; we just went our own ways.

Another thing I’ve learned is that cyber friends are just as “real” as face-to-face friends. They’re not just a name on a screen, but real people behind those names, avatars and profiles.

I’m still extremely hesitant to make any new friends, cyber or not. Yes, I miss getting to know different people from all over the world. But I don’t want the drama either. I may not be perfect myself, but I’ve been stalked, I’ve been lied to, and I’ve been hurt. I just need a break from any possible newbies/drama right now.

MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2016 Tonight I’m feeling a little dizzy and depressed. I still don’t get how I can miss someone who continually lied to me and then dumped me, but nothing lasts forever, right?

Death is on my mind again, probably because of the dying bastard back east. I’m thrilled that he’s dying. No one who can do the things he’s done deserves to live. I wonder, though… is he contemplating the afterlife? If he believes one exists, does he fear what lies beyond? Or does he believe he’s going to heaven to have one big happy eternal blast? Undoubtedly, he doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. Most abusers don’t.

Wherever he ends up, if there is an afterlife, I just hope he can’t have any influence on my “nowlife!” Many believe it takes a few months before the dead can affect the living, while others argue that they can do it right away because there is no such thing as time in the afterlife.

Anyway, I was thinking of Tom’s family. I miss having his family close by but still loathe how they gave up on us simply for having one too many rough times in life.

IDK, I just miss having local friends and family, but am also glad we don’t at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I REALLY miss the days when Tom was always home like he was during those 2.5 years, minus the Jes pest, his mutts and trailer, of course.

Later…

“Had such a real dream involving a former friend that I can’t help but wonder… There is no going back though.”

Last night I asked myself how I could miss someone who, as she herself admitted and apologized for, continually lied to me and then callously dumped me. When I read the second sentence of this rather interesting tweet, however, I realized there really is nothing to miss, is there? Yet I do. I miss checking in with her on Twitter, I miss her intelligence, and I miss swapping writing ideas with her.

I still don’t understand why I still feel hurt, and a little angry, over someone that clearly doesn’t give a shit about me and probably never truly did. Not if she could lie to me the way she did and make certain comments she never thought I’d see. So I asked myself…if you wouldn’t forgive certain people for what they’ve done to you, why her? The only answer I can come up with is that she didn’t screw me over nearly as much as some others have. There’s no comparison between what she did to me, as shitty as it is to be lied to by phony people, and what some others have done to me that cost me a world of emotional grief, freedom, money, lost sleep and a whole lot more. Seriously, it’s like comparing a little slap in the face to being viciously beaten over and over again with a bat. Well, Alison was that little slap in the face, though that slap still stings at times and I’d probably be dumb enough to talk to her if she contacted me.

I briefly considered and then changed my mind about contacting her because then she’d just do what she always does and deactivate her account and create a new one. She’ll no doubt do that soon enough anyway, but if I contacted her she’d do it even sooner. I like reading her tweets, though I can’t understand why. Maybe it’s because this is the most “honest” she’s been about me. If someone doesn’t think you’re reading them, then they tend to be more honest about what they’re really thinking of you. Believe me, Tammy would never write how awful I looked (unless she was pissed at me) any more than I would publically write, “Great to finally see my big sis as horrible as she looks.”

While I don’t think the blood cancer thing was one of her many lies, why no tweets about that and the chemo treatments, etc.?

She put a selfie on Twitter and Fitbit where she’s leaning a cheek on her fist. Great way to hide what’s no doubt a chubby face. She said Fitbit stretched it and made it look chubby. Maybe because she is? I’m not that active on Fitbit, but I’ve never known them to “stretch” pics, and the pic looks the same on Twitter. Seriously, I’ve seen pics of her from years ago and she was clearly heavy. Like as big as I am if not bigger. Yet I’ve never known her to describe herself as being fat and has said that obesity doesn’t run in her family. Could be in denial like Kim is about her own weight, but that’s their problem. I just write my observations and figure that if some can see themselves as fat when they’re not, maybe some see thinness where others see fat. At this moment I doubt she’s 150-152, which is my usual weight range these days. She’s probably between 120-130.

Good to know I’m haunting her dreams just like she’s haunted mine (LOL), though I haven’t had any of her recently. Would just LOVE to know the details of the dream, too. Maybe she’ll miss me a decade from now, read this and tell me.

I also have to wonder… Was I really that bad of a friend???

For dreams, I had very faint snippets of thinking I was hearing the voices of some guys that broke into our house, which didn’t look like our house, as usual, and something about taking a statin. I did it fearlessly, so it seemed, and I hope that’s a good sign. Really REALLY want that retrial to work!

SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2016 Slept as horribly last night as I slept well 2 nights ago. After just a few hours of sleep, I woke up every other minute. So I took melatonin and lay there for quite a while before I finally returned to sleep.

Although the dizziness has been wonderfully minimal, I worry about it returning with a vengeance. It seems worse today, and as I learned years ago, few things are ever really quite gone forever. The past really does have a way of returning to haunt us.

Meanwhile, Bill’s in New England, not Florida. This I learned when Sarah & Becky posted that they’d flown up to him yesterday. So I guess the shitster’s days are numbered. I only wish it could have been me to kill him instead. Slowly. Very slowly. And painfully.

Those girls sure do spend a lot of time on Facebook despite the circumstances, and I’m sure Sarah will post another selfie that looks just like most of her others any time now.

Not passing judgment or anything, but I don’t get why some people pray for what can never be changed. You know, sort of like me praying to be tall. Some things just are, like it or not, and there isn’t really much we can do about it but accept it and try to make the best of it. Meanwhile, I guess it’s something for the believers to understand and me to wonder about, not that it really matters. They’re not harming anything. Harm is only done when we try to make others like us and force their minds and hearts to go places they just don’t want to go.

The AC had me worried yesterday. When I’m sleeping or doing something physical I set it to 76° and to 77° when I’m not. Well, when I saw the thermostat read 81° after setting it to 76°, I was really worried that something was broken and we’d have to go to a hotel. But Tom simply turned it off, waited a minute, then turned it back on. A few minutes later it was running just fine. Not sure what happened, but during the vacation we’ll have it checked out and given a Freon charge. Really don’t want to have to shell out 2 or 3 grand on a new unit right now when we’re still paying other things off. The heater crapping out would be one thing since we have portables, but there’s no substitute for the AC. Couldn’t help but think, though, that as much as a broken AC would suck, it sure beat feeling like I was having a heart attack and literally about to die.

The master bath’s drain plug pulled out of the sink. The metal stick in back that you pull up and down, I mean. Tom attempted to fix it but says he needs to do it when he has more time, like over the vacation. As I told him, it’s not necessary that I fill the sink to soak off nails. I can always pour soapy water into a Tupperware dish and do it there.

Played around with the sculpting clay last night and found I just couldn’t get into it like I hoped to and like I once could have. I can still sing, but for the most part, my artistic side has morphed into a technical side over the years. That’s ok, though. I enjoy writing, languages and tech stuff immensely.

In the middle of this dry 105-degree day, we decided to head out to Raley’s with the slow drivers and screaming brats. Well, we got hung up by our typical Cali creepers, but any kids we saw at the store were civilized.

Really wish they’d ban public smoking! Others may not give a shit about their lungs, but I care about mine. Go kill yourself at home, I say. But you know how our twisted laws are… feelings first, actual damage second. Secondhand smoke doesn’t “hurt my feelings” or offend me. It’s only bad for my body. rolls eyes I’ll probably never go to casinos again mostly due to that. Haven’t won much since our Vegas/Laughlin days anyway.

So we grabbed some things we needed at the store, and also another set of Impress nails in a bright pinkish-orange color with accents. For now, I’m giving my nails time to breathe. I treated them with that expensive hair, skin and nail oil I got on the ship that smells really nice, like suntan lotion. My cuticles are dry and my nails are a little beat up. It’s also nice to take a break so I can type easier and not snag them in my hair or catch them on objects.

Eating some oatmeal and Greek yogurt. Never seen this combination before so I had to try it. It’s edible but I doubt I’ll get it again.

What else… Got half of my book edited, Bob and Virginia returned yesterday, and the new people are quiet. The car stereos blasting down the freeway at night, well, that’s a whole ‘nother story. Again, I don’t get the twisted laws in this country. It’s not just allowing for a huge disturbance of the peace, but how the hell can they hear sirens over that shit?

Trying not to think of a certain person in NE who lied as easily as one breathes, then so callously dumped me, leaving me virtually friendless. Sorry, but it’s hard to consider people like Christine or Charlotte as the kind of friend I once considered Aly to be. Thought of befriending her through a bogus account, but it’s not worth the time or effort. I’d only be the same liar she is if I did that anyway.

I’m also trying not to think of the fact that the statin retrial is less than a week away. “What if I do ok, then have a problem when you go back to work?” I asked Tom, and he said that wouldn’t be the case, and that if I were going to have a problem it would happen within the first 2 or 3 days.

And he’d be the only one to believe me if I did. Decided I wouldn’t ask for an alternative if it does backfire on me. After 2 years of this on-and-off hell related to medication, I can only take so much more of this shit. I just can’t keep putting myself through this hell. Really hoping I can tolerate the medication, though!

A part of me wishes I could see Stacey every month for life since I feel so much better afterward, LOL, but I’ll probably be seeing her every 3-4 weeks for a while. Every 1-2 may be more ideal, but 3-4 suits my schedule better. Love that woman for how helpful she’s been!

Actually got horny and got off last night without the pounding heart. Get Tom in on the action? Nah. He hasn’t shown any interest in years, and what’s the point if I get a rare surge of horniness when he’s asleep? We’re getting older. I just thank God (figure of speech not meant to be literal) I don’t have the appetite I had when I was younger. I would never love him any less, but would probably have to hunt for a sex partner.

Last night I dreamed I visited Andy. He said something had worsened about his health and I said, “And I gained weight. Like 3 pounds.”

Then I called a hotel to make a reservation (not a bad sign, I hope), and the woman I spoke to said she tutored me back in school. So I guess the hotel was in MA. After hanging up from the woman I tried to recall who she may be, but couldn’t. It seemed like any tutors I could think of should be very old if not dead by now, and wondered how she knew who I was since I gave my married name.

In another dream, I was telling someone how good it felt to “hang” myself. That is in hanging from a bar by my hands.

In the last dream, I was in an indoor pool and someone was blowing a huge fan onto the water’s surface and I wasn’t too happy about it.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 2016 It may not be so hard to peel these nails off after all. One popped off after I showered and the others are loose. No sticky residue left behind like with the other nails.

Xfinity was across the street again, and so is the American flag. That reminds me…maybe I’ll put up my cute, colorful floral and kitty flags. I just get sick of the damn things wrapping around the pole, even though we got one of those things that is supposed to prevent that from happening.

They still have the “sale pending” sign up.

I slept surprisingly well and long, and I wonder if the ibuprofen I took before bed for an earache had anything to do with that. I doubt it, though.

Not doing much today. Yesterday was cardio day so today is strength training day. I will also make out the grocery list and continue proofreading and editing my last book.

Though no fault of her own, Tammy hasn’t exactly had positive news of her own to share for a while, and so I’m hoping that the surgeries they’ve done to help alleviate her chronic pain are helping her to have a more active life. She too, lives in a beautiful place and it would be nice if she could enjoy it more.

Apparently, Bill is in Rhode Island and not Florida because Becky and Sarah are flying there right now. No matter what, I will never forgive the guy. I will always see him as the abuser that he was, and the guy that helped get me sent to jail. In my eyes, he deserves any suffering he may experience.

Tomorrow Tom and I will enjoy his only day off this week, then he has to work a whole week, and then it’s vacation time!!!

Since using Squigle (no, that’s not a typo) Tooth Builder toothpaste I have noticed less sensitivity within my teeth as it closes up and repairs any cavities in my hopelessly soft enamel. No wonder Tom said someone said it was much better than Restore. It’s fantastic!

Last night’s dreams were strange and sexual in nature. I was getting on with Doc L, LOL. Then I was watching a news broadcast about a woman who was sent to prison and how people said she would now get what her infamous

FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2016 I spoke with a neighbor today but not the new ones. It was Geri in the gray house across the street. She’s been here seven years. She said she just had a $2000 roof repair that the inspector missed when she had it inspected. Yes, inspectors like to miss things, don’t they?

We ended up chatting as I was pulling in the recycle bin, and I caught her out trimming bushes.

I still can’t get a handle on who moved into the new house, but there could be as many as three people living there. I’ve seen a couple in their 50s or 60s and I’ve also seen a very old man who walks with a cane. There might also be a younger guy who could be some kind of caretaker if not a family member that’s helping them get settled. I just can’t say for sure.

My biggest concern was loud vehicles and projects. It’s too soon to say whether or not anyone’s going to be obsessed with hammers and saws, but the good thing is that it does look like they’re a one-vehicle household, and their white SUV is quiet.

They were out and about until after 11 when a brown SUV that was a little loud left for the night. I’m glad that thing is not going to live there, even though there are louder vehicles like the car across from Bob and Virginia.

There was a work truck there around lunchtime, but it wasn’t there for long. They have a lot of stuff sitting in their carport. The white SUV has been sitting in front of the place for the afternoon.

It doesn’t look like they have any dogs, but it’s too soon to judge how they’re going to be. I never really had any bad vibes about them, but I’ve had more important things on my mind like the upcoming statin retrial, and dealing with how unbelievably shitty I sleep.

Fell asleep at about midnight and every time I would conk out I would wake back up. Finally, after two or three hours of doing that, I took a lorazepam and I did sleep a little better. Because I’ve gotten too used to the lorazepam, I won’t take it tonight. I’ll just let myself keep waking up and sleep shitty and be a little tired tomorrow. I don’t have any cleaning to do or anything physical other than working out on the Bowflex (today’s the treadmill). Tom will be working.

I worry about him because he has an abscessed tooth but won’t go to the dentist because of his phobia. He said he would get antibiotics if he got sick, but that his body is still young and healthy enough to fight infections. Let’s hope so! His wife has enough shit to deal with so we don’t need his health going down the drain or anything like that.

I dread my next trip to the dentist! Really afraid she’s going to come out and tell me I have several cavities, or worse, teeth that need to be crowned. Either way, I am trying not to think of my health until I am actually faced with certain issues.

Dropped the cap to my lip balm under my desk and I can’t find it at all. One of our future rats will no doubt drag it out being the kleptos that they are.

Got some mushroom ravioli at Raley’s and it is so damn good!

Later…

Today’s one of those days where I feel the exact opposite about Aly than I felt a couple of days ago. Despite my own faults, she bullshitted me like crazy, and I don’t miss that or all the hypochondriac drama, or the crazy nutjobs connected to her that would latch onto me. I’ll probably go back and forth in my mind for some time to come, however.

I like to at least check her tweets every now and then to see what’s up with her. That way I feel like there’s still some sort of connection, but without the toxic drama.

My nails still look amazing and like they were just done. I want to switch out to something new but I never want to take these off either. I used to think people paid a lot of money to have these designer nails done in salons, and they did, but now that I know you can stick them on in seconds for a fraction of the cost, I will definitely be looking for more. It’s a little more expensive than regular nail polish as what you pay for a set of these is around the same as you’d pay for a bottle of nail polish that you can use multiple times. I still think it’s worth the extra cost. I love how they never chip and always look perfect. Still find it hard to type with the longer ones, and I don’t like catching them in my hair, but they’re pretty awesome. No more ridges either. :-)

The box these Impress nails came in says it’s not recommended you wear them for more than seven days. I wonder why.

They also say that to remove them just gently peel from the sides or use polish remover. I can’t believe it’s possible to just peel these things off!

Two cars came to visit the new people, and at one point at least half a dozen people were chatting in the street, one of them going by on a golf cart. They weren’t that loud, and again I’m so glad we couldn’t end up with welfare bums, college kids or large families to deal with so close to us! I do NOT miss those days.

Still too soon to say exactly how many people live there and how they’re going to be as neighbors until they’re settled in, but my guess is that it’s a couple living there (the old man I saw might also live there) and that their only vehicle is the white SUV.

I’m loving that I’m 100% anxiety and pain-free, but dreading the eventual return of these things that can’t seem to stay out of my life forever. I don’t expect to never experience pain again, of course, but it would be nice if I didn’t have to have any serious anxiety. It’ll come back, though, at some point. It always does. After two years of dealing with it on and off, I can’t expect it to go away forever.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2016 It was actually Kim who mentioned Auburn, so I saw after I reread the tweets. But at least Aly didn’t correct her and tell her my real town, even if it would have been harmless.

It seems like Kim has stopped checking up on me, so for the millionth time, I deactivated my old Twitter account, and this time it’s probably for good.

A huge moving truck showed up about an hour ago, but I still can’t see any people or tell who’s moving in. I did see a white woman exchange greetings with a black woman who was visiting next door to them, but I don’t know if the white woman is going to be living there or not. She asked the black woman if she was living there and all I heard was, “No, I…” and then blackie took off.

There is also a large pickup parked in front of the gray house in front with tons of boxes in it, but I don’t know if that’s connected or not. I’m guessing whoever they are must have decent money to be able to hire movers, and such a large truck, too. I’m hoping they work and therefore don’t have the time to move themselves, but I agree with Tom, they’re probably retired and can’t move themselves easily enough. As able-bodied as Bob is, I can’t picture him and Virginia moving themselves. I know we couldn’t get lucky enough to get working neighbors, so yes, I’m sure that they’re retired, whoever they are.

I still have a lot to worry about… loud vehicles, motorcycles, too much company, screaming kids visiting, cars blasting stereos visiting, mutts left to bark outside windows and doors, and most of all… projects. Tom suggested that since they hired movers they might be too old for projects. Not necessarily. Bob’s 86 and he can handle power tools just fine.

I just find it hard to be optimistic with my track record for neighbors, Retirement community or not. I’m just so glad we’re in a retirement community, though, where the chance of trouble (or at least as much trouble) is lower. It would also be easier to do something about it if the problem was serious enough. I would hope so, anyway. Another thing is that the chances of them being black or Muslim aren’t good. God, I hope that’s not what we’re in for! Honestly, though, I’d rather quiet Muzzies than rowdy whites. But with them, I’d still have to worry about being killed whereas blacks are just rude and tend to be more trouble.

Yesterday there was a pickup and an SUV over there, but I think those were workers of some kind. Xfinity was there this morning.

I could probably escape most of any noise they made by going into the bedroom, but they could really make hanging out in the living room in the daytime pretty annoying.

As for Bob and Virginia, they definitely took off somewhere. If one of them were in the hospital, then the other one would be driving in and out to see them. I’m just a little surprised they didn’t tell us they were taking off, but due to the heat and how I feel at times, I haven’t been out and about as much. Therefore I’m not running into them as much.

That car that came early in the morning probably took them to the airport, and I would bet their SUV is in their garage, which has been closed up. The last time they went on vacation a year and a half ago, their son and English daughter-in-law stayed at their place. They were quiet but left their really bright garage light on all the time.

The Egyptian cotton sheets are luxuriously smooth and comfy. I should have gotten two sets of those instead of one of those and one flannel.

If it weren’t for difficulty typing because these nails are longer, I would definitely vote Impress nails as the #1 artificial nails I’ve tried so far. They’re easier to apply and they don’t snag my hair as much.

The light on the toilet is on once again, but everything still seems to be working fine.

Two days ago I had a headache and I did the tapping routine twice and it actually went away! I didn’t need to take ibuprofen or anything.

Today I woke up both tired and dizzy because I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep earlier than I thought I would, but as usual, I woke up a million times along the way. So I tapped for dizziness and fatigue, and I actually perked up! It’s just amazing. I was able to finish the rest of the cleaning, but like yesterday, I didn’t work out. I’ll make sure I do tomorrow.

Tom is working this Saturday, but I’m okay with it. As long as he’s at this job, he’s never going to work just 40 hours a week. That’s simply not part of this job. I’m just glad it’s a European company so he gets more time off, especially with all the damn appointments I have.

I had a dream I met this skinny woman and was shocked to learn she had Hashimoto’s and was on levothyroxine. I asked if she could eat all she wanted and she said no.

In another dream, I was (visiting? Living?) with Andy. He was whining and bitching at me from two rooms away. I put some bags that contained his laundry just outside the room I was in which was between my room and the room he was in and said, “I put your stuff in the corner here.”

He came into the room and said he didn’t hear me, and I said, “Sorry, I can’t hear people when they talk to me from other rooms either,” hoping he’d think he wasted his breath complaining about whatever it was about me that was irritating him.

Then I went back to folding more laundry on my bed and seemed to fold some of Tom’s shirts.

Then I had some dream about Tom wishing he could show me to his co-workers so they could see that at my age, no, I wasn’t beautiful, but I was ok, LOL.

In the last dream, the roof was leaking, but it didn’t make any sense because it was leaking in front of the refrigerator and over the part of the counter where I color.

Last night Aly tweeted: I always hate that I feel so awkward and hesitant around those who have an obvious disability.

But she has no problem around those who are fucked in the head? For once Kim told the truth on one of her accounts. In one where her handle is “paranoid ghost,” her bio says: I am a Paranoid Ghost. I get paranoid all the time and also I can be delusional at times. Mess with me and you will face the consequences.

This is the only time I’ve ever known her to be honest and tell it like it is. So Aly feels perfectly comfortable around the delusional?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2016 I admit it. I still miss her. I know I shouldn’t and that it’s pointless, but I do. Maybe the dreams I had about her last night are the reason she’s on my mind so much today. They weren’t bad dreams, but she’s been showing up in my dreams more often since she let me go. I wish I could say I was 100% totally over her, but I still have mixed emotions about our friendship ending, and sometimes it still hurts.

I admit that I was the one who dumped Andy and I shouldn’t have said otherwise. I don’t miss him, Paula, Nane, Maliheh or Mary, though I will always remember and wonder about them from time to time.

I wish I could put Aly, however, completely in the past just like she did with me. I guess it’s not that easy when you were friends with someone for eight years regardless of how dishonest they were to you along the way. We had as much in common as we had our differences. I never minded our differences, though. I didn’t care that she was more accepting of Muslims. I didn’t care that she preferred colder weather while I prefer warmer weather. I didn’t care that she preferred short hair while I prefer long hair. But being similar mattered to her and she chose to cut ties on account of that and my bluntness, and I have no choice but to respect her wishes. We can’t make people want to be in our lives. I get that. She wanted me gone from her life and so I’m gone, like it or not.

I don’t expect her to ever contact me, but if she did I know I wouldn’t do what I should do. No, instead I would be glad to talk with her. I would take her back into my life in a heartbeat, even though it would be against my better judgment and I would probably end up regretting it. I would have to be a lot more cautious than I ever was before because, as she herself admitted and apologized for, she wasn’t always honest and she probably still isn’t.

She hated my bluntness and honesty, so if she were suddenly back in my life I would have to make sure I wasn’t as quick to express my opinion and say things I was pretty sure she didn’t want to hear about whoever and whatever. Not sure I would like that kind of arrangement, but sometimes you just have to compromise. She was just more sensitive than I realized.

Like I said, I don’t expect to hear from her ever again, but I sure do miss her at times. I really do. Today’s one of those days where I would have gladly texted with her which I know is something she always loved to do. Maybe she’s sick of that sort of thing by now, but today would have been a good day for that for a few reasons.

So yeah, even though it’s probably best that I never do, I would really love to hear from her, even if my logical side knows that you don’t dump people you truly, honestly care about and accept as they are. Anyone I myself have ever dumped in the past; it was because there was something about their behavior or personality I simply couldn’t accept or tolerate. If I could have, they’d still be in my life unless they chose to cut ties with me.

I keep thinking of her tweets. She’s been up to the usual kinds of things for the most part, but there were a couple of tweets that grabbed my attention. One was surprising and the other was a bit chilling.

Like me, Aly has been known to have dream premonitions. The one that was a little scary was how she mentioned having a dream that had her scared for someone she shouldn’t be. Why do I get the feeling she was talking about me? If she was, the thing that was a little unnerving was that this was the day before my ultrasound. However, I didn’t have any bad dreams warning of impending danger, and no one ever called about the test results. They haven’t even been posted online.

The surprising tweet was when she said she was thinking about a former friend and wondering how she was doing, but wonder was all she would do. Pretty sure that one was in regard to me. So she’s been thinking about me, too. Wow. Well, if that’s the case and she was scared for me (assuming I was the one she was talking about) then that goes to show that a part of her still cares just like a part of me still cares about her. No, I didn’t like the lies and clinginess, but I liked everything else and I miss her at times. Just those little things like doing CampNano together and things like that. A part of me wishes we could be friends again with me assuring her I’d keep more of my opinions to myself, and her promising to just not say anything at all rather than bullshit me, but life will go on and I will survive.

Speaking of camp, I have 11 cabin mates in the cabin I have been assigned to. So I guess I’m going to camp in July. :) Until then I will be editing the book I just finished.

In observing her tweets with Kim, I appreciated that she still refers to me as being in Auburn and hasn’t told Kim my real town, not that it should matter. Kim’s obsessed with two things (besides lying), celebrities and weather. So they discussed the weather, and my old town came up when they were discussing the heat most of the West is experiencing.

Later…

Tom checked Social Security and we’d really be hurting if he retired at 62 with just a grand a month. We could barely live on that in the $300 studio they had in the Klam, which is probably now going for $500 and will be over a grand by the time we’re old.

Still sleeping shitty. I’m tired all day yet up forever. Lorazepam doesn’t cut it for me anymore. It doesn’t knock me out like it used to, nor does it prevent me from waking up so much. So I guess I’ve gotten too used to it and can forget the stuff for a while.

We’re trying to decide if we want to go anywhere during vacation that’s just a couple of hours away like Reno, Lake Tahoe or San Francisco. The thing is that I’ve pretty much been all over the country as well as to other countries. So while I’d love to live in Maui during the winters, traveling just doesn’t excite me like it once did. I won’t rule it out completely, though. We have plenty of time to decide.

Although I’m still a little lightheaded at times (especially if I’m active), I’ve been free of pain and anxiety lately, so that’s good. Still feel like a first-class wimp for how I handled certain things, even though I know I shouldn’t. We all handle things differently, as Stacey and others have reminded me, and it’s pointless to play the comparison game. If you want to compare a sore throat to someone paralyzed from the waist down… ok, I can see that. But hardships are hardships. Some things I handle better than others, some things I don’t, and I know that’s ok. I’m human just like anyone else. All I can do is my best. I try to think positively, be optimistic, and focus on the good. If I could’ve been less impacted by certain events, I would’ve been. I didn’t actively choose some things to get to me as much as they did, but I’ll just leave it at that. :)

Love these artificial designer nails, but I hate snagging them in my hair. I think I’ve pulled out more hairs with these than what fell out when my thyroid crashed.

Just got the leggings with the colorful candies printed all over them and while I love those too, I couldn’t get into these things if I were still 100 pounds. :( So, gotta return them.

Also got our new light blue 600-TC Egyptian cotton sheets. They feel nice to the touch, but I’m not sure how well they’ll stay put despite their deep pockets. I think they’d fit a queen better. So far only flannel and jersey sheets stay put best. The only problem with jersey is that they shrink like crazy.

The light on the toilet finally went out. Still don’t know why it got stuck on in the first place, but it made a nice nightlight.

Something’s definitely amiss next door. I just don’t know what. Pretty sure someone was there this morning, though. When you’re a homebody you see things and you get to know the normal routines of your neighbors. Well, they always have their garage door open in the daytime unless it’s cold or raining. Always. And they always make 3-4 trips in and out each day. Both today and yesterday the door has been shut and I haven’t seen anyone come or go.

They’ve been quiet since September, and as selfish as this may sound, I really hope nothing happened to one of them, or else the other will move. I don’t want to deal with any more newbies. As it is I’m still worried about what we’re in for on the other side of us. The carpet was cleaned this morning, and I saw what I’m pretty sure was the realtor and some workers over there for a little while.

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2016 Physical and emotional report first: No anxiety. Slept shitty, but got a lot done, including cleaning and exercising. Started off mildly lightheaded, but after 5 hours it intensified (not to the point that it got scary and I felt all weak in the legs or anything like that) and I also became more fatigued.

Stacey told me that I should not only tap every day for anxiety, but that some people do it for pain, too. So I tried it and it worked on my headache! Yeah, I had one of those intermittent, “moving” headaches, but after two rounds of tapping it diminished. I just wish the dizziness wouldn’t be an everyday thing, even when it’s mild. God, I miss more and more aspects of the old me the older I get!

YES! My book Shane is finished! It’s not quite a short story and it’s not quite a novel. More like a novella. Next comes the boring part… editing the 16011-word story. It’s 19 chapters, including the epilogue, and 50 pages long at point 12 Cambria font.

I wonder if something bad happened to either Bob or Virginia because, at just 5am, I saw a car pull out after I heard a series of door slams. I had just gotten up and was like, you’re kidding me. It’s 5am and the traffic and door slamming has already begun? I first wondered if they were going on vacation, but realized they probably would have told us, as well as the fact that they usually go in the winter (except for last winter). At least one of them was home by 8 o’clock.

I was browsing some YouTube videos on EMDR therapy sessions, and wow. The brain really is a fascinating thing. We may not know everything there is to know about it, but what we do know is pretty amazing. The technique seems pretty straightforward. The client is told to focus on their most disturbing memory while they follow the therapist’s hand movements with their eyes, and the therapist may also tap alternately on each forearm. Our memories basically get filed into little folders, and sometimes a traumatic memory doesn’t quite get filed away in the proper folder and gets “stuck” on one side of the brain instead of on both sides where memories are supposed to be stored. You have your artistic side of the brain and your intelligent side of the brain, with memories being stored on both sides. This technique files the traumatic event on both sides thus disallowing the memory to have such an impact on a person so they can cope with things easier. So I guess that when “smile,” “think positive,” and “don’t dwell on old shit” doesn’t quite cut it, then it’s EMDR to the rescue.

Aly has been haunting my dreams lately. I don’t remember the particulars but there were two different dreams. In one she didn’t look like herself and was considerably bigger than me, even though I knew it was her.

In another dream, she commented and “liked” something of mine on some site (I don’t know which) and so did Kim. I was delighted that they had reached out to me in a kind way and I looked for something on their pages to “like” in return.

In real life, a part of me misses Aly. Why, though? Why? She was nothing but a phony liar. Yes, I was overly brash, blunt and brutally honest with her. Some people just don’t want to know what you’re thinking if it’s not something they’re going to like or agree with, and she was one of them. But that’s just the thing; I was honest with her while she bullshitted me left and right. Having learned my lesson on how forgiving people often backfires, I hope I will be smart enough to ignore her if she ever contacts me, and the same goes for Andy and anyone else in my past.

Now that I have this sculpting clay and all these tools here, I may as well go YouTube hunting for demonstrations on what the tools are best used for.

Later…

So I go through one of Kim’s fan sites out of curiosity (never contacting either one of them), and find Aly’s latest and obvious account. IDK, I guess the dream has caused her to be on my mind. Although I know it’s silly, pointless, stupid, immature and all things negative, I still miss the little liar at times and a part of me wishes she’d contact me, knowing I’d be dumb enough to accept her back into my life, if only with a lot more caution on my part (I doubt she’d ever contact me, though).

Yes, she’s clingy, she puts guilt trips on you if you don’t practically smother her, and yes, she’s a true liar at heart with poor taste in friends and no ability to handle the truth from others if it’s not what she likes/agrees with. But she was smart and we had some good talks.

I went through her 120 tweets, both to see what was up and to see if I was mentioned. Well, when I saw “Had a couple of strange dreams overnight. One that has me fearing for someone I shouldn’t be” posted on the 15th, I wondered if she was referring to me.

This tweet, however, was obvious. “Sometimes I think about a former friend. Wonder what she’s up to. But wondering is all I’ll do.”

So as cold as she was by dumping me, she’s thinking of me, too.

I KNOW her and I KNOW some of the tweets about being misunderstood and feeling ignored were aimed at Kim. She would always tell me how selfish Kim seemed and how much she lacked empathy. Part of me has been hoping Kim would dump her to give her a taste of her own medicine. Kim is the only “real” friend she has left. But Kim doesn’t tell her the truth, something Aly can’t deal with, so Aly wouldn’t dump her, though you never know with Kim. As soon as I called Kim out on the “anonymous” insults on Ask, I got dumped. If Aly ever gets fed up enough with the lies and phoniness, Kim will dump her too.

Then there’s the usual, “Don’t want to bring anyone down so I’ll suffer in silence” shit that really means she wants attention or else she wouldn’t have publicly tweeted such a statement.

Again, I still have mixed emotions concerning her as much as I wish I could say I was 100% totally over her. Someday, though. It’s only been a few months.

MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2016 Bombed the house on this hot, dry day and saw Stacey during the two hours we had to be out of the house. Well, we only saw her for an hour or so, but it took a half-hour to get to Rocklin, and then we stopped at a drive-thru.

Stacey’s going to be doing EMDR therapy on me beginning on July 7th, which can take up to 8 sessions. When today’s session started I updated her on what’s been going on since I last saw her in January. I told her about the heatstroke on vacation, the lightheadedness I’ve been experiencing since April, the attempt to go back on statins, plans for a retrial, the anxiety that’s returned, etc. I haven’t, however, had much anxiety for a few days now. It’s only when the lightheadedness gets real bad that I start getting anxious, and then eventually depressed.

I’m just panicking too often lately. All I do is worry. I suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer, and this is no way to live. I’m just tired of feeling like a first-class “mental case,” as I told Tom. Tom, who seems totally unbreakable. He assures me, though, that anyone can be traumatized, even him. I hope to hell he never is, but if God forbid he ever is, I’m sure he’d handle it a lot better than I’ve handled my own trauma. I feel like a wimp, even though I know I shouldn’t.

So Stacey wants to see how I do with EMDR sessions; to help lessen the negative effects of two years ago. I still would’ve had the perimenopause symptoms, for example, but she suspects that because my brain may not have processed the event, it has led me to have more anxiety than I might have otherwise had over the last two years, making even ordinary things harder to cope with. I don’t know much about it yet. She said something about blinking and tapping to process the memory on both sides of the brain. You use one half of the brain for creativity and the other half for things like processing math problems and stuff like that. Memories, however, are typically processed on both sides of the brain. My memory of that traumatic day is apparently stuck on just one side. This is a technique that’s been used on those in combat as well as others suffering PTSD after experiencing something traumatic.

So telling myself to just “smile” and “think positive” isn’t always cutting it for me. Believe me, I’d love to be able to relax and do just that and live with less fear, worries and anxiety. But it hasn’t been that simple. EMDR will hopefully turn 7/9/14 into what it is… just a memory, instead of something that negatively impacts much of my life. Too bad brains don’t come with delete buttons! Life would be so much simpler that way.

As I told her, I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what I believe. Is there something up there punishing me? Something about this house? Or is it just random? Tom and Stacey think it’s just random, and I guess they’re probably right. If we all lived the same lives with the same experiences, that would suggest some sense of order, but since some people have better lives than I’ve had while others have worse, it suggests randomness.

Jackie (across the street) moved today and my fingers are crossed that we’re in for people as quiet and as respectful as the women that recently moved in next to them. Really, REALLY hope they don’t have a motorcycle, are company junkies or are obsessed with doing all kinds of outdoor projects! Time will tell. I’m definitely not as worried as I would be if we weren’t in a retirement community. Fido isn’t going to be outdoors 24/7 and barking up a storm every time they go out so that much is good. Sure wish this could be my biggest concern right now. Yeah, some of my old problems, like worrying about neighbors, really seem like nothing nowadays.

For now… goodbye Jackie and good luck. We never met, but you were a good neighbor who was only “noisy” when you had workers clean up the water damage caused by your old hot water tank.

Was thinking of deactivating my Google+ account since I never use it, but haven’t decided. I just have no use for it and it’s a rather annoying and complicated thing to use anyway. My Blogger entries auto-post there, but that’s not necessary.

Ordered some stuff on Amazon, including toothpaste like Restore (which they no longer sell) that’s supposed to help close up cavities. Restore was great. I never should’ve stopped using it, but we were pretty broke back when I was first told about it. It was even better than what the dentist gives me and it’s a bit cheaper, too. It’s called Squigle Tooth Builder and it has great reviews.

I also decided to bring back a little of my old artistic side that went dormant the more technical I became over the years. I was into singing, musical instruments, dancing, painting, and drawing before I got hot and heavy into computers, writing and languages. I’ve always been into writing and languages; just not like I have been since the 90s. So I got some sculpting clay and tools.

Got a couple of cute pairs of leggings too, though I don’t know if they’ll fit. If they don’t, I can always return them. One is pink shiny “mermaid scales.” The other has jellybeans printed on them.

I also got a set of light blue Egyptian cotton sheets. I’ve heard good things about those types of sheets and always wanted to try them. So we’ll have that, plus the plum flannel sheets I just got. Anything but that thin crappy microfiber, and jersey material that shrinks like crazy.

Was thinking of going in for CampNano in July but I don’t know that I can focus on that right now. The book I’ve been working on since April probably would’ve been done by now if I didn’t have so much going on, so I don’t know that I’ll even finish that. It’s too bad too, because the story was coming along well.

The light on my toilet, even after changing the batteries, is staying on and we can’t figure out why. It still flushes, though. Tom emailed American Standard and asked why.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2016 Starting this entry off with my glittery rainbow nails. This is by a brand called Diva and is also for little girls or those of us who are all grown up with little girlie-size nails. They were just as simple to stick on and they hold on well. This rainbow is in soft pastel shades of lime, lemon, pink and sky blue. I absolutely LOVE these things. I just have to remember not to rake my fingers through my hair or else the hairs will snag on the backs of the nails.

Went to Walgreens this morning and got the rainbow nails, along with another colorful set of theirs, plus a set from a brand called Impress. This set doesn’t all look the same. It has some plain turquoise nails, some white nails with zigzags of turquoise and gold glitter, and some with just gold glitter. Plus I still have the rainbow zebra set by Little Fingr’s.

I also grabbed a pair of black leggings that finally fit great and I love the super soft material. Gonna run out later while I’m still feeling good for a couple more pairs.

So glad I have been working out like I have as I have this little black spaghetti-strapped dress that was a bit snug in the waist. Well, not anymore, thanks to my dedicated efforts! Planking just 20 seconds a day really goes a long way. Plus I have my cardio and strength training. As for yoga… forget it. I tried and tried but just can’t get into it. It’s just not me.

Anyway, this is the best I’ve felt in a while as short-lived as I know it’s going to be. I felt like utter shit for most of yesterday and the morning started off shitty, too. So much so that I became depressed. They kinda go hand in hand, you know? If you feel like shit physically, you feel like shit mentally.

When I first woke up, I just did NOT want to get up and face the dizziness. But sure enough, not only were the dizzies on, but so was the headache. What is it with all these headaches lately? Tom asked if I was still taking my allergy spray. Yeah, I started back up on it cuz I was getting a little sneezy.

I moved slowly around Walgreens and noticed I began to feel better. Then when we got home, before the bastards could turn our water off again like they did yesterday, Tom dyed my hair. He did a great job. My hair looks the best it’s looked in ages. I’m a brunette again with a hint of deep red. It’s medium golden brown foaming dye by John Frieda.

Later…

Signing in again 98% dizzy-free! I love it! Sadly, though, I can’t believe I’ll stay this way for long. Not gonna work out till the end of my day in case that brings on the dizzies.

The only thing pointing away from our peri theory is how Charlotte said she went through the same thing for a year and never knew why. Well, she certainly wasn’t going through perimenopause. She’s only in her 20s.

Ran back out to Walgreens. By then there were more people, including the standard screaming brat. But I got a couple more pairs of those awesome leggings! They’re all size L-XXL and fit great. So now I have black, pinkish-orange, and mint green.

Last night I dreamed I was staying with Aly. Ugh. How many more years am I going to dream of that liar? The “friend” I could use through all this turmoil when Tom’s not around. She may’ve been clingy and she may’ve put guilt trips on me, but at least she never got fed up with my drama as Tammy seems to have despite rarely having any positive news of her own to report. But hey, that’s why I keep the blog she reads generic.

Anyway, in the dream, Aly was working graves. I sat on a chair in a small room waiting for her to return. I guess I couldn’t go to bed till she got in, or something. I had no lights on in the room and seemed to be the only one in the house. Moonlight or the streetlight shone through a glass door. Finally, I realized it was pointless to just sit there in the chair doing nothing, so I got up intending to color or do some word find puzzles.

I went into a bedroom (a guest room? Her room?) to get what I needed, but couldn’t find a light switch in the dark. My hand ran along the walls only to find no switches of any kind. Finally, I pulled a string in the center of the room with a red feather at the end of it, but that only turned on the ceiling fan. I figured that was ok since I tend to overheat in my sleep.

Then a large orange cat jumped up onto the bed and started swatting at the feather. I tried to discourage it, not wanting it to damage anything, but gave up after a few useless minutes of trying.

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 2016 Up and ready for another day in dizzy mode, though I expect less anxiety since Tom will be home. No calls about the ultrasound. So everything’s ok? That would be my guess.

Anyway, I felt like such shit in the early morning hours yesterday that it was almost scary. I called Tom once. It eased up as the day progressed. Trying not to think of how many years this may go on and just learn to accept that I just have to live with it, just like I had to learn to live with regular ear pain.

Last night was the first night I slept without lorazepam so we’ll see how long I can go without it. I’ll probably take it the night before I see Stacey, though, so I have a better chance of being well-rested.

Twitter stopped playing their locking games once I got on them about it.

The dream about the old lady in Texas did mean something, as expected. She had an attack that screwed up her vision even more. She can’t even read. She has her daughter do it for her, but she’s out of the country right now, and some volunteer was helping her that got into her account and apparently did some things she wasn’t too thrilled with.

Decided to switch back to a non-electric toothbrush. I realized that the bulk of my cavity issues began when I went electric in the late 90s. Well, if I’ve got soft enamel, wouldn’t it make sense that electric toothbrushes would wear down the enamel easier? Guess we’ll find out soon enough. I know I’ve got something going on in front, though, near where my crown is.

I had a dream Tom and I were on a ship and he wanted to go watch a circus that was performing in the ship’s “auditorium.” Tired and not feeling well, I told him to go on ahead by himself and I went back to our stateroom.

But then it seemed like that room became where we lived. Nice soft recessed lighting was overhead, and I thought how most modern places had speakers in the ceilings as I listened to whatever was playing at the moment. I was also trying to fix something but I’m not sure what it was.

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2016 I feel like such shit that I have to do this entry from bed. The persistent dizziness is interfering more and more with my daily life and I can no longer enjoy the things I normally do nearly as much as I used to. I get up, I have a few good hours, and then I spend the rest of my day dizzy. I’m going to have to decide… do I want to live my life in a dizzy state, or do I want to just end it all? Honestly, I don’t think I can stand this much longer. I feel so sickly and unhealthy for someone who is supposedly not, and I really feel like never before that I’m never going to get better. First it was anxiety making me panic and feel like shit and now it’s the dizziness making me panic and feel like shit.

The tapping still helps but not as much as it used to. I feel just awful. I’m constantly dizzy, my legs feel weak, my hands feel jittery, I feel warm, I feel cold, I feel downright SHITTY. I can’t even finish my book, and I don’t know that I’ll be up for CampNano, even at just 10K words. It’s really affecting my ability to live my life and to do things. I want to take up sculpting and get some clay and supplies, but like I’d have the energy or feel well enough to concentrate on that?

The night before last I got up at around 11 p.m. and I felt like shit pretty much until after I met with the vas tech for my carotid ultrasound. I had quite a “bipolar” day. Crying one minute, perky the next. The good thing is that he did say that he didn’t see anything for my doctor to get too excited over, though he could not discuss the particulars with me. What I’m not sure is good is the fact that they called in the evening. I was already asleep.

I asked the guy if nothing bad turned up with the ultrasound, would that mean the dizziness was nothing dangerous. He said not necessarily, but that the ultrasound was a big thing.

I went to bed at around 2 p.m. and at 8 p.m. there was a power failure that lasted for about 20 minutes at which time I got up and took couple of ibuprofen for my ear, which isn’t aching today for the first time in days. I was really hoping that oiling it daily would reduce the dizziness, but we’re both still thinking it’s perimenopause-related. The question is how many months, or years, am I going to have to suffer??? And when this is finally resolved, what will my next problem be? I have done nothing but suffer for the last two years and I’m so sick of it that I’m thinking more and more of ending it all. I just want my life back, just like that woman said in her post, and if I can’t have it back then what’s the point of living? I can hardly do anything anymore. I can, but it’s a struggle and I have to take constant breaks and I have to improvise some things. It’s very frustrating and scary. Do other women really have it THIS bad? I wonder. Or could there be something up there punishing me for who knows what? Due to the fact that I have one long-term problem after another, I have always wondered and if I’m destined to always live like this; suffering one thing after another. One thing I have learned is that the medical stuff is always the worst. How I miss the days when achy teeth and ears were my worst problems along with restless/noisy neighbors.

Bob’s been working around his place the last couple of days, though he hasn’t been noisy. Still, it’s not fair! Here’s this 86-year-old guy with endless energy while I sit in here dizzy, fatigued, depressed, anxious, worried and feeling totally helpless and hopeless. It’s with envy that I saw someone jogging by. I want to go out walking. I want to Bowflex. I want to focus on my story, but it’s a struggle just to bitch and whine in my journal as it is. Tom says there’s nothing dangerous going on with me and that I’m going to get better, but when? When????

I also feel like I have to take a dump a lot when I don’t have to. I realize part of these symptoms is anxiety. Maybe that means the statins didn’t do anything to me after all, though that 135 beat down makes me wonder.

I really hope Stacy has more tricks up her sleeve, because I don’t know that Doc A is going to do much for me. It’s like she doesn’t believe me. I think she thinks all my anxiety is just my phobia of medication. In that case, I’m not going to get her to help me and I might have to see someone else. But will they believe me? Sometimes I wonder if anybody can help me.

When we returned yesterday I actually perked up and had more energy and felt better emotionally even though there was still an underlying sense of dizziness. It just wasn’t as intense. But now it sure is.

The weather has been unusually cold. Yesterday morning was the first time we had to run the heat in the month of June to take the chill out.

Anyway, the ultrasound didn’t take long. What I saw on the monitor made no sense to me, though after looking up a video on YouTube, I learned some things. It made these weird sounds at times like PSHOO! PSHOO! PSHOO!

After we left the building we went to Raley’s where we picked up some groceries and I also found these really cool stick-on designer nails for girls. Because I have small fingers they’re perfect. Grabbed some Always a Flirti nail polish by Nicole too, which is like a frosty red color.

Picked up some ginger ale hoping it would help with the dizziness, because various forms of ginger are recommended, from what I read online, but it hasn’t helped much if at all.

For now, I’m trying to do “easy” things and not worry about the tougher things like book writing that isn’t necessary. So I pulled out some of the old Word Search magazines I’d get in Phoenix and thought I’d do some of them before they disintegrate.

Now that it took me nearly an hour just to write this entry, I’m going to go relax.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2016 Happy 22nd anniversary to us! Now if only I felt better. Found a post in a forum describing similar symptoms as mine and they were saying how much they want their life back.

Yeah, I want mine back, too! This sucks. This totally sucks. I know the ultrasound is going to come back normal and I’ll probably be told that I’m anxious no matter how much I insist this is NOT normal for me. I’ve been this way since early April, from what I could tell looking back in this journal.

I felt like such shit yesterday morning that I almost had Tom come home from work. Every day is still a struggle and I have to do things in spurts.

They have three seasons of The Bates Motel on Netflix and I just started watching that. It’s really good so far.

My dark purple flannel sheets and new pillow arrived yesterday, though the pillow is exactly like the last one I got; it’s just a little longer.

We got Cappy a wheel but the bastard won’t use it.

Was thinking of going for CampNano in July where you set your own word count goal (I chose just 10K since I’m often lightheaded and lacking energy), but I don’t know if I can even finish Shane.

Soon I’ll get into bed and try, speaking into my phone into an email draft.

Had a dream I was talking to Andy. I don’t remember what was said; just that he was the one to contact me. Oh, I won’t talk to him if he does. Or to Alison. They blew it for good. Same for Nane and Maliheh, but they’d be the last ones I’d ever hear from.

Then I skipped something called “motto class,” and was given a pass called a “day or daymorrow” by a huge lady in a shiny pink dress. It was a weird one alright. It’s like I was living in some dormitory and I had all these classes. Only I was too beat to go to “motto” class so I skipped it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2016 Just had to chase two woodpeckers off that were beating on the patio roof. I hear squirrels running around out there now.

I am also feeling totally overwhelmed, totally helpless, and totally ready to give up on my health and my life completely. I fear I’m never going to get better. I don’t know if it’s perimenopause, anxiety, or something going on with my heart/arteries, but every single fucking day I’m lightheaded. I’m dealing with that and fatigue more than anxiety these days.

My ear was bugging me, then it got better, and now it’s bugging me again. Could that be connected to the lightheadedness? Tom doesn’t think so cuz ear-related things usually give you the sensation that the room is spinning and I don’t have that.

I’m just so frustrated I want to beat my head in the wall!

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2016 Trying to do yoga just now is a sad reality as to just how fat and old and out of shape I’ve gotten. I’m still in shape for things like cardio and strength training, but my joints and flexibility have really gone to hell. I am really starting to feel the effects of my age, something I had hoped not to feel until I was over 65. Instead, I’m feeling old and even sickly. The anxiety has been minimal since I’ve been up, but I’ve had a lot of lightheadedness and some fatigue. I now try to get things done as early in the day as I can because I know I’m going to lose the energy to do much.

I’m sitting here in tears now totally fearing I will never get better no matter how sure Tom is that I will. A part of me wishes they would find something wrong with the ultrasound and tell me that that’s the cause of my lightheadedness and say they can fix it easily enough. But with what? More drugs that I’m going to have a bad reaction to? I feel like I’m stuck in a total no-win situation. I have to choose the lesser suffering. Do I choose to suffer from whatever ails me, or do I suffer the effects of the medication they give me to treat it?

I had the runs last night and I started to feel a spark of hope that it wasn’t the statins after all, but with the statins, I didn’t actually have the runs, I just had to go a lot. It was also for more than one day. The chicken I made smelled a little funny so maybe it was that. Either way, there’s still the beat down I had which is the biggest sign saying that a retrial of the statins won’t work. I really, really hope to hell it does work, but I have my doubts. That’s still almost a month away, however.

I just miss the old me. I miss not having the types of fears and concerns that I have now. The fact that I felt better for most of the night reflects on how much more I was able to get done. I wrote three pages of my story and did other things, but I’m still not right. The person who looked so forward to spending most of her time alone without fear is gone. And so is the person whose worst problem was usually hoping it wasn’t too noisy that day.

When I’m in a good mood and feeling well I tend to run around a lot, and sometimes my body sort of tenses and vibrates with positive energy if that makes any sense. I’ve felt this way less often lately. My mind hasn’t wandered to other subjects as much as it should and usually does. The more I think about anything other than my health concerns, the better I’m doing. But I dwell on my health and simply don’t have the pep I usually have.

The only thing I don’t have now on a regular basis that I had in the past is the beat downs (assuming the statins don’t bring those back), but when I was suffering hardcore anxiety, I didn’t have the fatigue and lightheadedness. The kick-ass anxiety was by far the worst symptom, but feeling like shit is still feeling like shit. The butterflies feel worse, but there are ways to kill them. I haven’t figured out what to do yet for the fatigue and lightheadedness. For now, I sit and wonder… can perimenopause really do ALL this for this long?

As tough as yoga is, I realize I really need to just do the best I can and move my hips, spine, neck and shoulders more often. Especially the hips. The fat will hinder some of my flexibility, but I think I can loosen things up a bit more if I add yoga to my exercise regimen. Different exercises do different things after all.

Later…

Ear got better but is acting up again, so I just oiled it.

Woke up the calmest I have in a week, but then felt faint underlying traces of butterflies. My first thought was that it was a good sign pointing away from the statins, but maybe this is WHY the statins made me feel as they did. I think that no matter what, Doc A is always going to blame 100% of my problems on my medication phobia when in fact that’s just a part of it.

Really hope to hell the retrial works out. Oh, how I want it to! But I honestly don’t see much indication to suggest it will, even with Tom home. Still gonna hope for the best, though.

Was sickened and saddened by the news of some psycho killing 50 people at a gay club in Orlando.

Just think… some hater could’ve come into the Pub or the Frontier in Springfield when Andy and I would go, and gun us all down with an assault rifle.

I don’t know why, but Sarah’s selfies, which are becoming more constant and similar in appearance, really annoy the hell outa me. So, so conceited. Is approval from others really that important to her?

Finished watching Psychic Detectives (wow, if it’s for real), couldn’t get into Aquarius, so I watched a documentary on the world’s most dangerous places. I need to find another series to watch; preferably that doesn’t have just one season.

I’m glad modern shows don’t focus so much on childbirth and child abuse, as that got really old and sad. Today it’s more about political correctness. Gee, what a surprise.

I guess my HR doesn’t have to be in the 60s for good sleep after all. I took a lorazepam after being up 17 hours, then I slept 7 hours without waking up much, yet my HR was in the 70s, 80s and even the 90s. Only once did it hit 69 and it wasn’t for long.

SUNDAY, JUNE 12, 2016 Fell asleep without lorazepam and again I couldn’t stay asleep. HR stayed in the 70s till I took a lorazepam a few hours later and could then get into a deep enough sleep in the 60s.

Although I managed a quick bike ride and a trip to the Walmart we used to go to when we lived in Auburn (ours isn’t open 24 hrs.), I felt like shit most of the day. Goes to prove that while Tom’s presence helps, especially if things turn scary like with killer racy HRs, he can’t make it all go away. I still have the butterflies, fatigue and lightheadedness.

I’m totally losing hope of ever getting better for good. Those pre-Citrus Heights days are gone forever. :( So, so depressing. Sometimes I wonder if I should just kill myself.

I just downed 1.5 chicken wings. Mood’s stable but not normal. What I mean by “normal” is the pre-park days. Lightheadedness and fatigue haven’t set in yet. That seems to happen later in my day. I swear I’d rather go back to being pissed at the whole world if I had to have any negative feelings at all! Worrying about an external source is always easier than when it’s internal and has no end in sight. I get breaks, but no permanent relief and I’m beginning to fear I never will. It’s been 2 long years now. When I said over a year ago, “This is the new me,” I think I was right. This is me now, and I either have to live with this internal torture or end it all completely and hope for the best as far as any possible afterlife goes.

Noisy neighbors, hoping traffic doesn’t wake me up, earaches, toothaches, allergies… how I wish to hell those were my worst concerns! But what if there is a God up there who hates me and plans to make life progressively worse and worse for me? What if my life “peaked” in the Oregon house, that was the best it was going to get, and from here on out it’s just going to get worse and worse? What if I do have a stroke and end up half-paralyzed like my grandmother was?

My moods simply don’t match my life. I have a beautiful house and everything I need and most of what I want. So then I fall apart? WTF? Being anxious doesn’t go with my life, and I wish I could be as sure as Tom is that this is just the perimenopause talking and that it’ll eventually back off for good, but there are no guarantees. The not knowing for sure compounds the misery.

I even had a headache yesterday that was hard to kill and that I rarely get, and my eyes are noticeably worse. I hope the pressure isn’t up! We plan to get eye exams and new glasses during his vacation.

Although it’s a ways off yet I really hope the statin retrial works. I really want it to, but again, there are things that suggest it will while there are things that suggest it won’t.

God damn, do I wish he could be home for 2.5 years like when the economy collapsed! I just don’t look forward to my alone time anymore; a great thing if he were retiring, but he’s still got many years to go and we don’t even know for sure that he’ll retire at 66. Might need to work till he’s 70. In that case, you’re talking over a decade.

He has to work on our anniversary but will be off the next day to cart me to the ultrasound.

I try to think positive thoughts and imagine there are a few people around, but my games don’t always cut it, cuz again, adults just can’t see pretend games through the more convincing and imaginative eyes of a child. I just want to be happy! Carefree. Full of energy. Able to enjoy my hobbies and what I’ve got going for me.

Instead, I know that any second, I will be too lightheaded or fatigued to do much of anything but lay around depressed about it. Better try to get some work done on my story, though, and see if I can finally focus on that before I lose the energy.

First, I dreamed of meeting with Becky from VH only she was skinny unlike in real life. She’s bigger than me.

Then I was sitting on a couch in our “home” with the laptop looking at some survey about food. A female voice listed off names of foods and I muted her. Then Tom appeared to step out from a room from a hallway that appeared both shorter and wider than ours. He cleared his throat and I glanced at him. He wore a strange black robe that was wide at the hem and at the end of the long sleeves. He asked if I was hungry.

Then there was some strange dream about a black woman raping me and later laying in bed looking up at a strange tube of dust and thinking how I should do some serious cleaning.

FRIDAY, JUNE 10, 2016 Woke up feeling the most refreshed and the least anxious in days. Just a touch of “butterflies” early on. Enjoying it while it lasts. Tom is 100% sure and guarantees this will end someday. It better! It’s the most horrible thing I ever endured physically and emotionally. Honestly, I don’t know how many more years of this shit I can take.

He got the days off he wanted, so he’ll be off from July 2-10 using only 4 of his days off. This means that if I can get past the second dose, I will take 5 doses during this time, probably on odd days.

Figuring it was the right thing to do, but knowing they wouldn’t actually call to cry about their “wonderful” daddy, I gave Sarah and Becky my number. As expected, I got a “thank you” from Becky and nothing from Sarah. If people don’t appreciate me in their lives, then why don’t they unfriend me? It could be her grieving and nothing personal, but really, if you don’t want to stay in touch, just dump me. I think I’m pretty used to it by now. I just hope she’s not staying connected out of a sense of duty or anything like that. But the best remedy for those you don’t hear from (unless you ask them a question or something) is for them not to hear from you.

Instead of a simple “thanks,” Sarah’s plastering more and more of the same selfies while her beloved daddy’s dying, and yes, I know this sounds wicked judgmental (that’s part of why I switched to private writing), but it’s a true sign of narcissism. It could also be a low self-image thing, from what I read, where she’s fishing for compliments. She does get them, though I’ve stopped the compliments only because they all look the same after a while and I’m not hearing much in return from her. I hate one-sided relationships of ANY kind.

I reconnected with my top PB besties but haven’t heard from the old lady. Funny too, since I recently had a bad dream about her. Either way, I didn’t feel right about abandoning them for no good reason.

The back light is out. I jumped and waved and it never saw me. Made my 2 rounds around the circle and did my 15 minutes of Bowflexing and 15 seconds of planking (any more hurts my back and abs).

You can’t leave the Bluetooth speaker on, so I learned. After a while, it beeps like a busy signal on a phone.

Later…

Sarah did “like” a post of mine after all where I claim to plan to be too busy to check in much this summer (made visible only to her), so please email or call if anyone needs me. Did she like the part about me not being around? Or the offer to email/call?

Decided I needed a new “game” of sorts to help distract me from my anxiety whenever I start to feel wound up or a little down. For the longest time, I’ve wished I could get into role-playing, but unless I were ever as crazy as Kim, I’m just too old to play pretend games. I’d love to be able to play “make-believe” in the way that I could as a child. As a child, we’re not only quicker to believe what others tell us, but what we tell ourselves as well. With age, however, we tend to lose that brainwashing power. It’s not that I ever believed my pretend games were real or that my imaginary friends weren’t just that… imaginary. But I saw my made-up fun in a whole different light than I could ever see it as an adult.

But interviews… interviews like what Andy would pretend to do as a famous rock star, and what I would sometimes do as well… is a different story. It’s a form of verbal journaling, be it my past, present or future that I may be discussing.

So I chose to do these things when I was lying in bed awaiting sleep. At these times one’s mind tends to wander a bit more and I’m more vulnerable to negative thoughts. Therefore, I pick a person I know or have seen, and pick a random topic to “discuss.” I could talk pet rats with Doc A or languages with Stacey.

As only Tom knows, my talking to pictures was NO pretend game. But it got me rethinking the afterlife again. The pics were the hosts to the entities that dwelled within. But WHO were they? Spirits of the dead? I guess I’ll never know.

I thought I had some dream about winning a vacuum, but I know it doesn’t mean anything.

I also dreamed of riding an electric bike. It went the same slow steady speed of about 5-6 MPH.

Then I felt a lump in my upper right boob in the next dream. I felt that area again a few minutes later and it was gone.

Then Tom and I were sitting in a room by a large window. Andy walked by and waved to us without turning his head. We just laughed at this 70’s hairstyle.

Then I was in our house, which didn’t look like our house as usual (we don’t have a slider), and saw Tom put some recyclables into the regular trash. I told him to stop putting recyclables in there. Then he went out a slider and into a dark chilly morning. A man stood across the street with his hands in his pockets and it seemed like we were in the mainstream.

Then I had some dream about a power outage while sleeping, and peeking into our neighbor’s place, which seemed to be just another room in our “house,” and it didn’t belong to Bob and Virginia. I guess they were about to move, but still had the place set up. Large pictures were on the walls and there was some furniture present, too. Tom told me I should return my barrette to them. I took it out of my hair and placed it on a table by their door.

Later…

Miss Nosy did some more digging into Dr. A. Let’s see… married, no kids (I think), 2.5 stars on Mercy, 3.5 on Yelp, loves to camp, travel, run and bike ride. They all love the same shit, only Dr. O added cooking and gardening, Dr. D playing with the kids.

Well, she’s going in my July CampNano story along with Stacey. Was thinking about the interview game thing and might do something along the lines of that. A wants to learn all she can about someone’s life, for example, cuz she’s involved in a secret medical experiment to see if memories can be altered/destroyed. Then Stacey can rescue her and try to help her figure out which memories are real vs. fake.

I’ve really got to get back on with Shane, though, once I catch up on journaling. Amazing how one who works at home, has no kids, and no real friends can often have so much to say.

Like the fact that I created a document to back up my tweets. I also back them up on my-diary and Prosebox.

Later…

Wanting to understand more of the “logic” American law is based on, I read around a bit. Well, the philosophy is this: Physical wounds heal, but emotional ones don’t. This is why violence isn’t taken nearly as seriously as non-violent crimes and rapists get less time than I got for saying shit no one wanted to hear. A woman can beat the shit out of her BF/husband for cheating and get just days, while thieves get months or even years.

Sorry, but their belief system makes no sense. If you beat someone up; sure their wounds are going to heal, but you mean to tell me they won’t have the memories and be emotionally damaged by the attack as well? If you called me names when I was a kid, of course that would have hurt. Today, I don’t give a shit if some stranger online or on the street calls me fat and ugly. But if they shoot, stab or beat me, that’s going to do a LOT more damage than any nasty words could ever do.

Sometimes I wonder if some of these crazy judges give crazy sentences just to get famous. Getting famous in a good way is like winning the lottery, but getting infamous only takes a second. Just threaten the wrong person online and you’ll be all over the news worldwide, for example. But what a great way for the cock to get famous while remaining within the “law,” huh?

Saw something about witches hexing that rapist who will be serving just 3 months (to lessen the impact on him, said the sick judge). What good will that do? And so what if the American Swimming Association or whatever the hell it’s called banned his membership for life? He can still swim elsewhere. I wish someone would kill him, but if no one killed Casey Anthony, why would anyone kill him? People can only wait till he rapes again and hope that the next time (since rapists can’t stop or be rehabilitated) he’s put away for years if not for good, and raped silly in prison before being killed, thus saving the taxpayers on his food.

Don’t know the details or even what the name is, but someone’s suing Ellen Degeneres for making fun of their name. Now THAT’S a case that may receive some punishment, even against a rich celeb. You know how it is, feelings matter more than the actual damage/crime.

Later…

So I ended up having anxiety when I first got up yesterday, then it backed off from 6-midnight, then returned for about 4 hours till Tom got up. This is the butterfly kind of anxiety. Not the booming heart or anxiety you feel welling up in your chest that’s more associated with when I was on too much levothyroxine.

I wanted to go to bed without lorazepam but felt too wound up and as I’d never get to sleep, so I took it and slept about 9 hours. Fitbit says 8 hours and 26 minutes to be exact.

Sure enough, about an hour after I got up, the butterflies flew outa my adrenaline gland to annoy the fuck out of me till I roasted chickened them away. Had a headache too, and took one ibuprofen. When that didn’t help I took another, even if it meant I might be drowsy.

The emotional tapping isn’t as effective as it was (all good things come to an end while so many bad things don’t), and so much for the power of prayer. There definitely either isn’t a God or it doesn’t give a shit about me. If it did it wouldn’t be letting me suffer so much for so long in the first place.

Again, gotta wonder what I did to deserve this. AND why it keeps coming back. AND when/if it’ll ever stop for good. The not knowing is what’s very hard on me, like when we didn’t know when he’d find work again. He’s totally sure it’s the peri and that it’ll be over someday, and while this makes sense to me (even if A might not believe it), how can I be sure? Yes, it’s hard to believe I’d become this whole different person for no reason just like I tried to explain to C, but what if I’m one of those flukes destined to be tormented till the day I die and no one can ever really help me?

Last night I dreamed I had a job (don’t know what) and I wondered if it would be as easy as I thought it would to just disappear once my schedule prevented me from working.

I also dreamed I was in some place with Andy and Jessie. I’m not sure how many rooms there were, but in the bedroom was one long bed, like a super huge king-size bed, and that’s where we were to sleep that night. The next morning we were to continue on with our travels, be it going home or to wherever we were going next.

The bedroom was off of a large room in which I started to stack a few chairs but then changed my mind. I shuffled some stuff around the bedroom, including a large wad of cash that might’ve been Jessie’s. While I did this I figured I’d have trouble sleeping and would be up listening to music long after they crashed.

THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2016 Sometimes I wonder if I should drop ALL meds and ALL docs. They’ve made me worse, not better. But the suffering I’m once again doing (mostly anxiety in the solar plexus that I call butterflies, fatigue, dizziness and a few hot flashes) can’t have anything to do with the levothyroxine at this point. At least I don’t think I could have pocket flares that could bring my T4 high enough to make me anxious. Plus, this isn’t the kind of anxiety I’d have on the levothyroxine.

Headaches, toe pain, ear pain, anxiety, depression, beat downs, hot flashes, fatigue, lightheadedness… it never ends. Dark thoughts cloud my mind once again, and once again I wonder how much more I can take. Will I ever get better? I’ve been asking this on and off for nearly two years now.

I went from the freeloaders’ grasp to poverty to this. How sad. And yes, very negative. Sorry, sis, but it’s why I resorted to private blogging. I’m having more bad days than good lately. My bursts of wakefulness and energy are getting scarce. Believe me, I actually miss some of my old/lesser problems. I wish noisy neighbors and landscaping were my worst problems in life.

This definitely can’t be a lingering effect of statins either. I felt horrible yesterday till Tom got up, and borderline from when I got up till just a little while ago. I did sleep better last night too, so I took the opportunity to get some cleaning done and did a 10-minute walk by making two rounds around the circle. The weather was beautiful. When I did it a couple of evenings ago it was cool and windy.

I just miss the old me and I wonder if I’m ever going to have her back again for more than a few weeks or a few months if I’m really lucky. I don’t get it… my life gets better, but I fall apart? I’m tired of feeling as tired as an old lady and I’m sick of feeling like the unhealthy person I’m not.

Dr. A continues to frustrate me and said exactly what we expected her to say; that she thinks hot flashes could be responsible for perimenopause, but believes most of my anxiety is my medication phobia. Oh, come on! Anyone knows that my symptoms are very common for perimenopause, and what about my other phobias? I fear spiders and heights yet they never made me feel the way I felt when I was on higher doses of Levothyroxine and when I took the Statin. It’s just frustrating that no one seems to believe me because how can she really help me and work with me otherwise? I just can’t believe that not one single doctor I’ve seen has mentioned peri.

I can’t blame yesterday on the statins since I’m not on them now. Again, I’ve never been this way before two years ago and this is very uncharacteristic of me. No booming heart yesterday, though, and I still worry the statins may have caused that and the excessive bowel movements. It’s sometimes hard to tell exactly what’s causing what when so many things can mimic the same symptoms. But I know what’s normal for me and some things are just rather obvious. Tom and I both would be willing to bet just about anything that the vast majority of my symptoms are perimenopause and that certain medications can enhance those symptoms.

I can see waiting to test my thyroid and cholesterol in the fall, but why wait till then for the estrogen/hormone tests? I just don’t get that.

Another thing that frustrates me is all the fucking foreign doctors out there whose first language isn’t English. This calls for the patients to have a harder time understanding them due to their accents, and them possibly having a harder time understanding us as well. If I wanted an Ecuadorian doctor, I’d go to Ecuador.

Like Tom said, we’re not locked into these doctors or this Medical Group. Yeah, but like Charlotte said, would getting a different doctor or group really make any difference? I would still prefer older American doctors whose first language is English and who are more likely to understand perimenopause if they’ve gone through it themselves. No wonder someone’s review said Doc A doesn’t do well with older patients. 55-57 would be a good age group for doctors for me. Old enough to understand, but young enough to be my doctor as long as we’re here.

Again, I wonder if I should say “fuck A” and try the estrogen Tammy recommended, but you know me… always afraid to try anything.

Although I still think the statins are going to escalate my anxiety and give me the runs and a booming heart again, I’m willing to give it one final try, but as I told the doctor, this might not be until early July. Tom is going to try to get time off around the holiday, which would give him 9 days off counting weekends, and he would only be taking 4 of his vacation days off. I worry about hogging up too many of his days too fast with all the fucking appointments I’ve got. Or worse, he getting fired and then a low-paying job with an American company that doesn’t give as many days off per year. Sometimes I wonder if something up there led him to this job, knowing it was going to pick on me and that I’d need all kinds of doctors. I just want to be happy! I want the anxiety, fears and worries to just fucking stop! Stress is one thing, anxiety is another. I’d rather worry about things in my mind than feel the physical effects of the anxiety like the butterflies and racy heart.

Worst case scenario I tell the doc that Take-Two failed and ask if there are alternatives to statins. If she remains stubborn with a statin-or-nothing attitude and won’t help me find what’s right for me, then yes, I’ll be done with her. Meanwhile, I highly doubt I’ll die the next day or the day after. I couldn’t get that lucky.

She also recommended getting in to see Stacey and a new psychiatrist since Dr. L left. Even though I don’t see what good that’s going to do me, I made an appointment with the only doctor they had available. Sure enough, it’s male and foreign. Asian this time. I looked up Dr. Chiu to see what he looked like and confirmed my Asian suspicions. Can’t get in till December, though. Stacey, I’ll see in 10 days. Her I’m kind of looking forward to even if it’s more time and money that Tom says not to worry about because she really listens and has been the most helpful so far.

I don’t know what to do for now, though. Do I tap more often? Do I try giving prayer another shot? I hate to say it, but coincidence or not, prayer did seem to keep things going in the OR dump as well as after our motel crisis. Only problem is I don’t know if I believe in God, or that it’s a very good God with all the shit I see going on in this world, along with what I’m going through. It’s hard to believe it would care, but I guess it can’t hurt to try.

I looked in last year’s journal for when I did the Return to Sender spell. Did it on December 30th. Things got worse before they got better. The first week of January was bad, then it got better… until the statin. Can one tiny 10 mg pill really do all that? Probably not all of it, but I still think it did part of it.

Then there’s the rock. That possibly cursed quartzite rock from that possibly cursed land. It may seem silly as hell, but just in case unpacking it and handling had a hand in making me worse, it’s sitting out in the trash now.

I can’t help but ask… why is this happening to me so severely? Why do some women make the transition so easily while I get to sit and suffer big time? I feel so cursed, but then I think how lucky I am not to be blind or paralyzed or anything like that.

So much for hoping for a shorter, lighter period. It’s a little shorter, but definitely had more kick than the last one.

Tom said he wants to pull my medical records from the thyroid ultrasound done at Sutter cuz he swears there was something there about my arteries looking good. Well, the 16th will tell us if there’s likely to be any imminent danger, and again, I couldn’t get that lucky. Then again, while dying instantly may be “lucky,” I wouldn’t be so lucky if I ended up parlayed on one side like Nana Bella.

As I was telling Tom, as strange as it may seem, the two years we were in the OR dump may not have been perfect, and I hated the climate, but it’s the only place he and I ever lived where our lives weren’t predominately bad in some way.

Phoenix = money and freeloader issues. Maricopa = money and freeloader issues. Duplex = money and neighbor issues. Dump = winning and shopping. Trailer = money and mutt issues. Here = terror, terror, terror!

And the next state? Really, I hate to think that those two years could’ve been our “best” years despite not having shit. That place was a total dump and we had shit for furniture. I had yet to know what real insecurity was. I could read without prescription glasses. I wasn’t as fat. I had no concept of the true meaning of the word anxiety.

More to write about, but not enough energy. I’ll just end this entry by saying that I “did the right thing” by giving my nieces my number in case they ever want to call and chat. But I’m SO glad to know I’m the last person they’d call to cry about their wonderful little daddy! Again, I’m sorry for them. Being in your 20s is awfully young to lose a parent. But I hate the guy with just as much of a passion as I did in 2000.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2016 Heard from Tammy who’s in pain and expecting more surgery next Monday. So much for her own positive attitude, but there is some good news… the guy who helped cost me my freedom and us thousands of dollars is now in the hospice. Yay for us, boo for the girls. At least I would think Tammy’s “yaying” and Lisa’s not “booing.” IDK, though, cuz I once saw a pic of her and Bill, arm in arm at some kind of family function, smiling happily at each other, and did a real WTF? I would think Lisa’s more right in the head than she was in 2009 or 2010 or whenever it was that she went ballistic on me, but who knows? Many victims of abuse still worship their abusers, and I even wondered if Tammy was still in love with the bastard when the unwanted subject of him came up in Florida.

I told Tom I hoped to hell his theory of those in the afterlife not being able to affect the living is correct, cuz he’d shit on me every chance he got if he could. Tom doesn’t think he can do anything when you consider how many assholes out there have it well, and how many good people are suffering. This is part of what makes me unsure if there is a God. Besides, if they could influence us, wouldn’t my parents have seen to it that we won big bucks? Well, we didn’t win the smart home in NC or else they’d have ambushed us with the news by now.

So much more I want to write about, but I slept like shit and so I feel like shit. I only slept 6.5 hours and am VERY fatigued and dizzy. Got enough of a period to need to take something for the cramps too, but I’m hoping it will be shorter and lighter like the last one. Hopefully, I won’t have to spend nearly 3 weeks waterlogged before the next one either.

It’s just so fucking frustrating cuz it never ends. I have a few good days here and there and that’s it. I have shit for energy most days where I used to have an overabundance of it. It sucks. It really does. I want to write, I want to take my Italian lesson, I want to work on my story, I want to start some ideas I had, but I just don’t have the energy. Gotta go lay down now. Maybe later I can write more.

Later…

At the risk of sounding as negative as Tammy pointed out… I’m not only fatigued as hell and dizzy (my right ear rang for a minute and I had a huge head rush earlier in the shower) but depressed as well. I cried a bit and wished Tom were up, but was glad he wasn’t so I wouldn’t depress him, too.

I’m just sick of suffering most days and feeling like an unhealthy person who really isn’t. In the past when I’d be shorted on sleep and a bit tired, I’d still be able to get more done than I have today, and I’d even be pissed cuz I’d usually perk up at the end of my day. Only now I’m so fatigued that I feel drugged. I miss my energy! I’m still afraid I’m never going to get better. It’s like sinking into this quicksand you can’t pull yourself out of.

Tom was right… people are either overly sympathetic or they complain that you complain. That’s why I stopped public blogging. I don’t need either one of those things yet I got the same thing when I broke my arm; I either got smothered or turned against. Why is everyone so black and white? But society’s warped attitude isn’t my problem. I’m my problem. And I feel like I’m never going to be able to fix it.

I’m pissed that the doc has blown me off. I feel like she’s not being helpful enough, but when she does do something to help it backfires on me. :( Why can’t I just take whatever pills they recommend and be ok? I am so fucking frustrated that I wonder if I’m going to eventually lose my will to even live. I’m just not a strong person.

I fear that she’ll never believe me no matter how much I try to tell her that extreme anxiety is NOT normal for me and I don’t think it was all just me manifesting the side effects through my fears. I fear spiders and heights, yet still don’t react that way. In my most stressful times in life, I never reacted that way. So why now???

I still want the option of going back to visit Hawaii someday from here or to sail/fly to Jamaica from Florida if we move there, yet none of that will be possible if I feel this bad this often. I’m not having a few bad days anymore. I’m having a few good days. :(

I still like the idea (I think) of moving near family, but then again, what could they do if something went wrong? Tammy’s got her own problems, I don’t know that I trust Becky and Sarah, (especially Sarah), and Lisa wants nothing to do with me.

I think of some aspects of the past and miss them. I didn’t know as much then as I do now, but I also didn’t know what it was like to have scary beat downs and I miss those days. Those young, carefree, adventurous days where my worst crisis was usually a kick-ass sneezing fit. Ugh, gonna cry again. :( Maybe it’s time to tap for depression?

Later…

Well, I did perk up a bit after some tapping, coffee and food, but we’ll see how long it lasts.

I asked Tammy, but she doesn’t know how old Mom was when her periods stopped. This period is still lighter overall in that I haven’t needed a big pad, but who knows what tomorrow may bring? Hard to believe it’ll pick up at this point, though.

If there’s anything good to her marriage with the little weasel not working out (and I told her this) it’s that if it had, she would be about to become a widow and she’s not even 60.

I’d like to think Bill’s suffering, but what’s sad is that unlike what we’ll have, he has this really great support system. If I really did die before Tom, whom would he have? No one? A bunch of strangers who don’t feel anything for him?

Tom said that he sees things differently than I do, and it’s true. He does. He said that even if he got cancer right now, suffered and then died in 5 years, it’s still a small percentage of his life. I totally see his point, but that 5 years may seem like a lifetime. The more we suffer, the more time slows to a crawl. It sure does for me anyway.

I just wish I could stop worrying about an end that’s not here yet. Until something actually happens to one of us other than me feeling like shit, why worry? But I do. All the fucking time. What if, for example, we’re both “destined” to live to 85? Well, that would mean I’d still have 8 years to go after he died. No way. Just no fucking way. Not only would I not be able to fend for myself, but even if I could, I couldn’t live with the horrible, horrible depression of knowing I’d never see him again.

And then there’s the suicide issue. What if I don’t have the guts to go through with it or I fuck it up? If I’m afraid to take something I’m pretty sure won’t kill me, then how could I take/do something I was sure would kill me? So if I couldn’t kill myself, but I couldn’t live, where would that leave me? Forced to commit a crime so I could at least have a prison house/feed me? And maybe give me medication I needed that I could actually stand to take? I would have to do it right cuz I couldn’t stand the depression of not having Tom no matter where I lived.

Later…

Another lie. Yeah, I happened to glance at the list of new users on Prosebox and thought a certain one sounded like something she would pick. Does she want to be obvious? I clicked on the name, and sure enough, I was blocked. So much for “severing” those ties, huh? I knew damn well she/they’d be back sooner or later.

I asked Tom if he thought the constant creating and deleting of accounts meant they were up to no good. He said it could be the case, or they at least think they’re doing something wrong. Whatever the reason, I’m SICK to death of them playing victim over there. So not wanting to be public anymore anyway, I deleted that account and disappeared in the night. Now they can only play their blocking games on Google and Facebook. Pretty sure they don’t use LiveJournal, and my-diary has no blocking. Also, if they do block me on other sites, I won’t know it.

I created another account in a bogus name. I casually scanned the room and my eyes rested on a doll called Peyton. So Peyton I am, with a close-up of a golden retriever for a profile pic. No age, gender or bio info is visible on me, though the gender should be obvious. Most people who keep a journal/diary are female anyway.

What was surprising was that after resurrecting my old Twitter account long enough to mention SaltyAlty and call out an account of Kim’s, which I even tweeted to, she totally ignored me. I fully expected her to run and change the link, but nope. So now I’m back to using just my secret Twitter account to tweet whatever comes to mind, some of which I may not even bother to mention in my journal.

I copied all my Prosebox books to the new account but the journals. I have a plan for that which I’ll discuss in my next entry. I’m out of energy to write much more, and it looks like today’s Italian lesson and getting any work done on my story will be out of the question.

A couple of quick dreams: In one, I was being interviewed. The interviewer and I were outside a poor, rundown apartment complex with the neighborhood people watching.

“You recently moved from a posh neighborhood to this. How does it make you feel?” the interviewer asked me.

“Well,” I said, “the other place was more comfortable, but poor folks are more real.”

Then there were the pistol-packing ladies in pink gowns. I was talking with a woman about guns, and she pointed to a picture of some people at some social event. Her daughter wore a long hot pink gown, and she told me she had a gun on her. I thought she hid it very well as the woman went on to say that she’d had some weird boyfriends, so the protection was nice to have.

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2016 Period’s late again. I get watery and my boobs get sore, then it lessens. Then it creeps up on me again. But no period other than that spot from two nights ago.

Did a quick public entry on Blogger and then on Prosebox to let Karen know about the anxiety. Charlotte said it probably wouldn’t be helpful to get a new doctor since they can’t know about every single symptom but the important/common ones.

Then this came in:

Jodi, Dr A and I reviewed your message below and we understand your anxiety regarding taking medications. We are very concerned about your risk for cardiovascular disease including heart attack and stroke at a young age due to your very elevated cholesterol levels. You are likely having a surge of stress hormones related to your worries about medications–this leads to symptoms of elevated heart rate, shaking, diarrhea, sometimes even lightheadedness. We recommend a re-trial of the pravastatin at this very low dose. We could even arrange for you to take this in the clinic for the first and second doses so that you have medical attention for evaluation if needed. We really want to work with you to reduce risk and try to calm your fears related to these medications.

Please let me know how you want to proceed.

As I explained to them, the symptoms didn’t start as soon as I took the medication. I explained that I took it Thursday and Saturday night and that I awoke a few hours after the first dose with a sore throat, which Tom also had, and that went away in a day. The frequent bowel movements started right away, but the attack occurred about a day and a half after the last dose.

Again, having found it listed as a rare but possible side effect online, and not having this kind of anxiety before a couple of years ago, makes me think the peri is affecting how the meds affect me. I still don’t think it’s all just me worrying. I was actually beginning to relax and think I had it made after the second dose.

Although… I was first started on a higher dose of Simvastatin, so if it was really that that caused some anxiety, all the shitting I did, and the weight loss, why did it take half a year to do it?

So some things support their belief that it’s just my phobia making me anxious, while others suggest it’s the peri/meds.

Although it was rough, this time around was less hellish than when the levothyroxine got me last fall. This time I didn’t have the band of tightness around the chest or any funky emotions. I just felt wound up and then my heart took off booming. Not quite as fiercely as when I was on the levothyroxine, but fierce enough to make me very glad I wasn’t working out at the time.

Not sure what they mean by “clinic” either. I’m assuming this means that I would take the meds at their office and not a hospital? If I could have a doctor around 24-7 then I would consider a retrial, but I don’t think they’re going to put me in the hospital for this. Besides, even if they did, what’s to say I might not have problems later on down the road?

Then Tom had an idea. After I clarified things for them and told them I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do next, he said to wait till I heard back from them and think about him taking a week or so off from work. Aw, that’s so sweet of him. I feel so grateful yet so guilty at the same time. Not a great way to spend time off, though I’m sure he’d agree that anything is better than working. He gets 5-6 hours off for every 2 weeks of work.

Last night I had a dream I was talking to Linda Ronstadt, only she looked young and thin again. I told her I once had a crush on her and asked her what she thought of that idea. She smiled, laughed, and didn’t seem fazed or offended by the idea, but then she started talking about God, and I immediately regretted revealing my crush.

In another dream, I was in a beauty store of some kind where there were scattered sections of nail polish. I had most of them in my collection and was telling a mother and daughter about the ones I had.

The daughter commented on a bright glow-in-the-dark color and I told her I had that and that it was lighter than it appeared.

The mother then showed me her deep purple nails and I said, “That’s Twilight. I have that one, too.”

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2016 Bad news. News I wouldn’t dare tell Tammy or anyone else.

The statins backfired on me. Just when I thought I had it made, too. I noticed I felt more on edge than usual last night. I wrote it off to just being nervous about it being the start of the workweek and him having to work every single day, even though it seemed a bit extreme since my anxiety has been mild since January.

I went to bed and told myself I’d feel better in the morning, especially since I wouldn’t be getting up too early, and therefore wouldn’t feel like I had as many hours to be alone. But I lied to myself as much as Dr. A apparently did when she told me it couldn’t cause anxiety. Well, it can. It’s rare, but according to what we found online, it very well can. Even the pharmacist was dishonest, in a sense, by saying it couldn’t kill me. You can actually have a life-threatening allergic reaction from it.

I felt an underlying sense of anxiety since getting up at 10:30, but managed to get through the day’s planned housekeeping. Then just after 2pm, my heart pounded into the 130s. Well, Fitbit showed it at 135, but online it was averaged out to 116. I don’t wear it round the clock, but mostly when I sleep instead. It was too fast and too hard. Let’s just put it that way. This isn’t my only symptom. I’ve also been shitting my ass off.

So Tammy and Karen in Texas were right… statins CAN cause anxiety. Why did Doc A lie to me? Now I’m wondering if I should get another doctor, though I hate to have to put myself out and start all over again with yet another doctor. She should’ve told me anxiety was unlikely but possible.

Because I panicked and called Tom, he suggested seeing Stacey again, and I might if it doesn’t ease up soon. I’m hoping it won’t take 3 months to recover since I didn’t take it for a month like I took the 88s for a month.

Although the attack didn’t last long, I had a horrible thought later on. It’s not likely, but what if I had a pocket flare and the anxiety is from my thyroid meds? God, I hope not! No tightness in the lungs, though, or funky emotions, so I’m still hoping it’ll dissipate soon… even though my problems are rarely short and sweet.

I’m 99% sure it is the statins, and this has taught me something, too. The weight I lost two summers ago was because of the statins, not the levothyroxine, which would explain why I didn’t lose weight last fall. The statins don’t just make me anxious; they lower my appetite and make me shit up a storm.

Another strange thing (though I don’t think this has to do with either drug) is that I can’t try to get myself off without my heart pounding like a motherfucker. In that case, there’s no anxiety involved; it just pounds like a possessed hammer.

I guess something up there doesn’t want me taking anything to keep me from a stroke or a heart attack, though Tom says there are alternatives to statins. Like what? And what’s to say they won’t cause the same problems? It seems I can’t take hardly anything without it fucking me up. I’m just tired of suffering! TIRED of it! We’ve almost been here 3 years and I’ve suffered about two-thirds of the time. As I told Tom, I worry I won’t make it to his retirement and to get out of here someday. He said I thought the same thing about the trailer. True, but you know what? I’d rather die of a sudden heart attack than live to suffer! You know that perfect vision I said I missed most from my youth? Not anymore! I miss not having anything worse than a bad case of stress. Never did I have anxiety like I’ve had the last two years.

I was hoping I’d feel calmer with age, but an article I read doesn’t suggest I will. It said that older people have more problems, so they worry more. Also, they take lots of medications, many of which can make them anxious. Not very promising, but I think I’ll feel better when Tom’s retired if I live that long. I miss the days of feeling smothered by his constant presence like when he was on unemployment. I used to love spending most of my time alone. Not anymore!

I was stunned when Tom read an article about a guy with arrhythmia whose heart was clocked at 310 BPM!

I’m not sure I can fully trust A. She’s going to leave me with sleeplessness and lightheaded issues (other than to do the carotid ultrasound) all summer long? And she’s going to tell me something can’t cause anxiety that can?

I messaged her, told her what happened, and that I was stopping the statins.

Tapping still helps, but it doesn’t get rid of the anxiety completely or keep it from returning when it does. Speaking of it, though, all of a sudden I feel fine again. breathes a huge sigh of relief I don’t know how long it’ll last but I’m THRILLED to say that I just noticed I suddenly went as calm as can be. No anxiety. It’s like it’s gone. Just gone. I’d be shouting for joy if Tom wasn’t asleep, but instead, I cry tears of relief after crying tears of frustration and depression. I hope the worst of it is over! Anxiety is THAT bad. I’d go blind and gain 100 pounds first. Still concerned with what the future may hold, but gonna enjoy this wave of calmness while it lasts.

Wonder if the Ylang Ylang helped at all. I just remembered that when the dentist and I were talking about oils, she mentioned lavender and Ylang Ylang having calming effects. I knew about the lavender, but not the Ylang Ylang, so I threw a few drops in the diffuser.

Managed to work out, though not as long as I wanted to. I was hot, flushed in the face, lightheaded, and my heart pounded.

Anyway, my carotid ultrasound has been rescheduled for 8am on the 16th. Just not sure what doctor I’m seeing at the sleep clinic. I was given one name over the phone, but another name has been checked on the pre-appointment questionnaire I received today.

As for my period… it’s getting stranger all the time. Had a spot last night, but absolutely nothing today. Still got sore boobs and lots of water on me, though.

I rearranged some areas of the laundry room, hallway, and bedroom. I’m a little tired and lightheaded to do much more than listen to my audiobook for the rest of the night, but anyway, I came across a couple of rocks, one of which I shouldn’t have saved.

The first one is a white rock I got in SoCal in the mid-90s. Hardly exciting anymore since I now live in the state.

But then there’s that quartzite rock from our Maricopa land. If the land was as cursed as it seemed to be, then was it wise to take the rock from it? My life may not have gotten nearly as terrifying there as it has here, but it was pretty damn shitty being a slave to the freeloaders and courts the way I was. They fucking owned me. I wasn’t me for most of the 5 years we were there. I was just a number.

In my dream notes, I wrote that I was bike riding at night and something about parked cars and Donna A, the old evil witch, but can’t remember any details. Oh well.

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2016 This is too funny. Tom went to the grocery store and said he decided to try Gelato instead of ice cream to see what the difference was. I burst out laughing and let him know that Gelato was simply the Italian word for ice cream. So he really wanted to see if there was a difference between ice cream and ice cream, LMAO!!!

We went to the pool and it was nice. Just slightly chilly, but nice. It’s in the mid-90s out there.

Met a woman named Mona who works full time (and of course she couldn’t be our neighbor) who was nice, but never shut up. I prefer those that talk here and there as opposed to non-stop where you just want to cork their mouths with your flip-flop.

Doing the emotional tapping and feeling more awake so far today. No pain, minimal dizziness.

The pill dreams are back, but the last one I had didn’t scare me at all, and probably wouldn’t have even if Tom hadn’t been home. I took a small cupful of 8 tiny pills in the dream but wasn’t trying to kill myself or even scared. They were pills I had to take for some reason. I dread the day I’m on that many pills!

Rode my bike alone in another dream and turned around somewhere at the bottom of the rollercoaster. I felt ok; I just needed to get back in a hurry for some reason, unless I was going somewhere else.

Had a dream that the old lady in Grande Prairie was frail and ill. I hugged her and told her she’d been like a grandmother to me.

Wondering if something was wrong with her in real life, I did a FO entry, but she did view it, so she’s alive.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016 OMG, Facebook really needs to stop shoving headlines in our faces! Argh! I’ve had it so much with them (and the lack of privacy issues) that I’ve removed Facebook from my toolbar so I don’t absent-mindedly click in. I’ll check it every other day by accessing it the old-fashioned way.

A fucking judge (it’s gotta be male) gave a rapist just 6 months instead of 6 years in jail to “lessen the impact” on him.

That’s what I got for a fucking letter! OMG, I wish I could strangle both the rapist and judge to death right now! Ugh! So mad now. So yeah, it’s best that I blog for myself. I don’t think my “negativity” has others concerned only for how it could affect me, but for how it could affect them as well to read it. And sometimes, like it or not, my “negativity” is just the truth. It’s a very negative article I’m talking about, but it happened. It’s real. And I’m through with the people-pleasing shit. Tammy may’ve really meant well, but how much of her “concerns” were that she was just tired of reading it? And then why did she continue to anyway?

I can’t fucking believe, though I can, that a rapist would get what I got for words on paper. And all because it was to a black person. Had the person been white I may’ve gotten 90 days if even that.

Thanks, God. You’re just so fucking wonderful.

Throat’s ok, slept ok, but after I ate the fatigue got me again, another thing Tammy wouldn’t be too thrilled to hear. “Perimenopause is rough,” she said. Yes, it is. And I have a right to say so in my journal, too. That’s what it’s FOR.

I complained to Twitter Support – yes, another negative thing – about the lockout issues, which I suspect, are glitches on their part, but they’ve ignored me. I wonder if Aly’s account wasn’t deactivated but locked. Maybe I’ll return to Histofme if it happens a 4th time.

Later…

Had so much fatigue today that I couldn’t finish writing. That’s the beauty of private writing; no deadlines to feel pressured into meeting. Throat’s ended up being sore on and off too, but Tom’s also had a scratchy feeling in his throat. Really hope it’s not my statins! Taking my second dose tonight, so we’ll see.

While I had a burst of energy I got a head start on the home reorganization project I’ve been planning for weeks. I’m looking forward to doing more of it as energy permits.

Tom replaced the broken stem in my shower and while it may not look the greatest, it’s much easier to turn on and off and doesn’t drip.

For last night’s dream, I got a call about a job, had ice cream late one night somewhere with Tom before we caught a bus, and played with an adorable brown rat Tammy might’ve caught from wherever. It was cute and playful. I kissed its back and Tammy shrieked, “Don’t touch him!” I asked why and she said, “Because we don’t know where he’s been.”

FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 2016 Happy 29th birthday to Becky, and thank you, Tammy, for clinching my decision to stop public journaling. Now I have the freedom to say what I want, whine all I want, be as negative as I want, be as controversial as I want, be as blunt as I want… all without censoring names or anything personal.

It's not that she said anything wrong and it isn't that she didn't have a point when we talked yesterday and she mentioned that my blog was very negative and that it was affecting my health and moods. Even so, to me, nobody should hold back in their journals, even if that means an over-expression of negative thoughts, experiences and feelings.

When she mentioned my fear of being left alone, she was under the impression that I felt this as of just last week instead of months ago, and I realized that she had no concept as to the depth of what I went through, saying I’ve got it made compared to her and others, I’d never make it in her shoes, etc. She’s probably right, but her suffering doesn’t devalue mine. Yet understandably, it's very hard to really relate when you haven't gone through something somebody else has. Without experiencing firsthand how the higher doses of Levothyroxine affected me both physically and emotionally, she's never going to get just how bad it was. It was a medical disorder making me have those fears, not a conscious choice. I didn't choose or decide to feel afraid. Still, I get her point. She may not get it like many don’t get my sleep disorder, but yeah, I can be harsh and negative all the way.

But the thing is that while I don’t want to worry others or bring them down in any way (is it really anyone’s business anyway?) I have a right to be me. I don’t feel ashamed or a shred of guilt for speaking my mind and I welcome back the days of writing for me and for me only. I miss being “selfish” with my writing. Unless it was a work of fiction I was being paid fairly for, I never wanted to write for an audience. Yes, public blogging was fun and maybe I’ll return to it someday, but people reading and commenting on my journals have lost its excitement, and visitor tracking is nothing new anymore either. So… time to write for me and be me. I’m not even going to worry so much about spelling and grammar. Just gonna pour it all out.

I’m nobody’s liar. I’m not going to sugarcoat a negative experience or omit it completely just to not come off as negative. I’m going to do what I’ve always done and simply write what comes to mind. Sometimes it will be negative. Sometimes it will be neutral. Other times it will be positive. But yes, I need to worry less and think more positively. It’s just hard to when you’re either worried or not feeling well.

I’m still going to use my blogs because the different platforms are fun and they make for a good backup. They just won’t be public. I know my 4 Prosebox besties are going to wonder where the hell I am, but I get a kick out of Andy and Aly wondering where the hell I am. I mean, sooner or later they’re going to check out my blog out of curiosity, I would think.

So I’m going to blog privately on Blogger and Prosebox and put a hold on my dream blogs for now. They really don’t serve much purpose anyway, and I can always gather future dreams to post later on if I want to.

Not gonna back these posts up to blogs every single day. More like every 10 days or so.

Might also drop the book list, too. It serves no real purpose either. I don’t need to remember what I’ve read cuz Amazon tells me if I accidentally go to order a book I’ve already got.

Since I only have one appointment between now and September, believe it or not, I think I might take a break from my allergy spray. It’s not the time of year for nasal allergies, but if I have an attack, at least I won’t have to worry about sneezing through appointments and can jump back on it if need be.

Finally slept better last night and therefore I’m in a better mood. Got the laundry done today, the grocery list, and completed a handful of other tasks. I found a good way to use up our remaining pods as we transition to liquid detergent, is to put it in the sock bag. That way it can’t get stuck in the seal again.

So while it was through teary eyes of fear that Tammy and most of the public wouldn’t get, I bravely swallowed my first half a Pravastatin last night. Woke up with a slightly sore throat, but then it diminished. Hopefully, it won’t become more of an issue the more I take. I would really like to safely reduce my risk of a heart attack or a stroke, something no one wants to believe can really happen to them.

I don’t fucking believe it. Twitter locked my account again. It’s GOT to be a glitch. Again, I verified my number, unlocked it, then deactivated it. I’m not going to play games with these assholes.

Last night I dreamed I was checking out pictures of Alyssa on my computer with Tom asleep in the adjacent room. As usual, the place didn’t look like ours. I heard a bump and assumed that Tom bumped his arm against the exterior wall above his bed.

Ah, it was nice to write like it was pre-June of 2008 again!

THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 2016 Today’s observation: Aly changed her Twitter handle, not surprisingly. Well, I actually noticed last night. I was surprised I never found the new one through a friend of hers. I would love to think she finally had enough of Kim’s shit and just dumped her and Twitter forever while she sits and regrets dumping her one sane friend that was honest with her, but I’m sure she just didn’t re-follow the friend, knowing anyone could look for her that way.

I’m so done with her, though, that I deleted her from my contacts on my phone. Under no circumstances will I ever again talk to her, Andy, Maliheh, Paula or Nane. It was her decision to throw me away and she’s going to have to live with it.

The only thing that confuses me (not that I’m complaining) is why I haven’t heard from Molly or her mother. Scared of me? Yeah, probably. They should be too, though any future contact would go ignored unless they wouldn’t let me ignore them. Like I should have taught the freeloaders, put your hand far enough into a lion’s den and you just might not be able to yank it back out so easily.

I expected to sleep better last night, even without lorazepam, but instead, I slept worse. Finally took a lorazepam 4 or 5 hours after waking up constantly and slept a little better from there on out. Like it or not, I’m going to have to take one before bed till I get through this so I can sleep shitty instead of super shitty.

Just wondering what it was I did to deserve this shit. It’s like I’m healthy but don’t feel healthy. Technically I’m healthy, but with so many issues to deal with, minor or not, and with so many appointments, I feel like I’m anything but healthy. Again, I wonder what I did to deserve it, but that’s just the thing. Just like so many people tell themselves there’s a good loving God up there, I tried to tell myself I must deserve to suffer for some reason, but you know what? I don’t. I don’t deserve to suffer. I may not be perfect, but I didn’t beat anyone up. I didn’t rip them off. I didn’t break into their house. And I don’t deserve to suffer.

I just feel overwhelmed right now. I’m starting the statins tonight so I’m anxious about that. I’m a bit down now, but mostly pissed, frustrated and feeling helpless. While it’s great that I’ll only have one appointment between now and September, I’m not going to the lab or the sleep doctor until then. So what do I do in the meantime as far as my sleep goes? Just continue to not sleep and to feel like shit most of the time? She was afraid to recommend anything OTC, saying she wouldn’t have any way to guarantee side effects as easily that way.

It really sucks because while I’m tired, I’m not tired enough to go back to bed for another hour or two and catch up on lost sleep. So I’m dragging all damn day with barely enough energy to do things. I do them, but I really have to push myself and take several breaks along the way where I just close my eyes and rest.

I don’t get it, though. My sleep HR did register low enough for better sleep, yet I kept waking up constantly. I even woke up warm once and my heart was about to take off racing. I pushed the covers off and let the air from the fan rush over me.

Anyway, I’m on for Dr. A, the sleep doctor, and my dentist in September. I scheduled the ultrasound for the 13th, but might have to reschedule because Tom doesn’t think my schedule will line up for that day. Me and my fucking math!

I’m going to hold off on bumping the dentist up sooner because I haven’t had much pain in that tooth. Fortunately, the sleep doctor seems to be an American guy. I just get sick of the funky accents, and getting American doctors these days is hit or miss. Trump wants to “make America great again?” Let’s try putting the American back in America.

Since nothing lasts forever and I assume that someday – someday – this shit will end which I still suspect is mostly perimenopause-related (possibly sleep apnea, too), it’ll just be on to something else. I seem to have one long-term problem after another. I still say it was a lot easier being broke.

At least it hasn’t been noisy today… yet. Yesterday it was landscaping, and the day before that it was 45 minutes of sawing trees, but that wasn’t in the park. That was just over the wall where the golf course is. The car stereos, also which might not be coming from in the park, are totally annoying at this time of year. Not even an hour passes that I don’t hear one thumping by. I STILL can’t believe the damn things are STILL legal. But don’t you dare hurt anybody’s poor precious, sensitive, eggshell feelings with your opinions and beliefs! rolls eyes

It’s been very hot and dry. It’s nice in the shade, but my God have I gotten sun-sensitive lately! Is it age? Cuz I’m fat? Something else? I just can’t handle being in direct sunlight for long when it’s over 80° unless I’ve got a pool nearby.

To finish up with yesterday… We went to Smog-n-Go for emissions testing which took no time at all since it’s a luxury car. Didn’t care for the little girl in the waiting room who just couldn’t shut the hell up. Not just that, but the damn brat was so LOUD. I could hear it all the way in the bathroom. After several minutes of waiting outside, its father led it to their car and it was still yacking non-stop. How do the parents deal with this shit on a regular basis and not want to tear their hair out, throw their hands up and scream, “Will you just shut up already!” My mother never would’ve let me go on at the mouth that loud or that consistently. It’s like, my God, make it come up for air at least while it’s around other people, will ya?

Went to Chili’s after the car was done and got beef quesadillas and French fries that weren’t very good. Our food only cost $3, though, since we used the GC he got from work.

Went treasure hunting at the GW after that and got a couple of sun catchers and a pair of pink scissors.

Last stop was to Walmart to pick up my statins. I’ll be anxiously starting that tonight. I just want to stop having so many damn problems! I miss those 15 years I didn’t go to doctors, though right now my biggest problem is sleeping. I just want a decent night’s sleep a little more often. Is that too much to ask for?

As for my weight… I’ve been in the low 150s lately and decided to compromise. Although I still don’t think I can do it, I’ll aim for 145 rather than 120. I shouldn’t have any issues at that weight. It’s only 6 pounds away, but to an older woman with Hashimoto’s, it may as well be 60.

Last night I dreamed we were still living with Jesse. He had one of his many projects lined up and I asked him when he planned to start working on whatever he was going to work on next. He said, “I don’t care about your schedule.”

I told him well, I did care and was asking so I could be up when he’d be working.

Then I was sitting by an indoor pool of his. A few others were swimming in it. At one point I patted some guy on the back and told them they were like a big brother to me. They didn’t seem too thrilled with that idea.

Then we were in a hotel. I was asleep when a few bumps and bangs woke me up from the next room. I got up, thinking it was daytime, but then when I looked out the window I could see it was still the middle of the night.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2016 Just noticed Maliheh’s got me blocked again, and no, I have no idea why any more than I can guess why Twitter locked my old account the last time they locked it. Could be the “I’d wish you a happy birthday if I gave a shit” photo card I sent her two weeks ago, but that was sent by email, not Facebook. I’ll check every month or so to see if she unblocks me again. As soon as she does, I’ll take the honor of blocking her… for good.

As for Kim, she’s definitely not reading my blog and I’m not going to bother with any further “tests” on her. I don’t care what else she sees/blocks. I just wanted to get away from her on Twitter where she has a million accounts to block me from and knows I can’t track her. She had to have been checking my tweets every few hours, though, based on how fast she’d change links after I’d mention them.

Woke up a million times throughout my sleep and slept worse than usual as Fitbit reflected. My HR only dropped to 73. It needs to be 68-71 to get me in a sound sleep. Tom noticed the same thing with him. After a good night’s sleep, he finds he drops to the high 40s, but only to the low 50s when he doesn’t sleep well. Now that my appointment is over and I have a better sense of what’s going on, I’ll probably sleep better tonight. Maybe even without the lorazepam. She’s ok with me taking it before bed if I need it, though.

Got up at 6am, took my thyroid meds, had coffee and a kiddy smoothie in a half-hour, then we were on the freeway just after 7:30.

Every year they give you a Depression Screening questionnaire, so I filled that out, confirmed my meds, then took Tom back in to see A with me so he could be an extra set of ears in case I forgot anything.

My BP was 150/90 but only cuz I was nervous. My pulse was 88, but it’s normal for me to be high.

While my lungs and heart sounded good, the doctor talked me into taking half a 10-mcg tablet of Pravastatin every other day. That’s a little less scary than daily Lipitor at 20 mg. She assured me it can’t kill me and to just stop it and let her know if I have any problems like muscle aches. For some reason, I was under the impression it could paralyze your muscles and then kill you cuz you couldn’t breathe. She said it wouldn’t make me anxious either. According to her, I should worry more if I didn’t take it than if I did as my numbers are high and so is the risk of stroke and heart attack.

While I agree that it was the wrong dose of levothyroxine that was causing my killer anxiety and not the 25 mg of Simvastatin I was on a couple of years ago, I still have a medication phobia in general, so starting the Pravastatin is going to be a little scary. I appreciate her patience and understanding, though. As she told me the first time I saw her a year and a half ago, it’s best to expose people to what they’re afraid of in small doses, pardon the pun.

She also wants to do an arterial ultrasound for what I believe is my carotid artery to make sure no blockage has been causing my dizziness. Dizziness has been better overall, though.

We discussed my perimenopause symptoms and the trouble I’ve been having sleeping, as well as my non-24 sleep disorder and suspicions of sleep apnea. She thought it would be best to go to the Sleep Disorder clinic and talk to their specialist before participating in a sleep apnea test, which will be VERY hard for me. Not just because of schedule issues but because I’m used to sleeping with a loud sound machine since everything wakes me up, and I mean everything. Forget the loud traffic and landscaping sounds; if Tom so much as sneezes or uses the microwave if I sleep with no fans or sound machines, I wake up instantly. So to fall asleep with no sound machine in a strange environment will be quite a challenge. Still not sure it’ll come to that, though. Also, she said there was a test that could be done from home, but it’s not as accurate.

Because lorazepam is a narcotic, I had to sign their yearly contract and take a random urine test. That was easy enough as often as I have to pee. At least I didn’t have to endure the humiliation of it being observed!

We explained how they wanted to charge us money we’ve never had to pay before at the lab and canceled the test after waiting for nearly an hour for nothing after having my thyroid tested 6 weeks ago. Apparently, they read the computer dates wrong. They need to stop doing that, too. That really bothers me when I end up put out due to their carelessness. What if it were something dangerous?

So as O and I agreed, my thyroid is just a hair above normal and I feel best with my T4 at 1.0 – 2.0. So I’m staying on 75 mcg.

In 3 months I’m to report back to her. The week before that I’m to go to the lab for the following list of tests.

Lipid Panel wRfx Direct LDL

CK Total

FSH Follicle Stimulating Hormone Level

Luteinizing Hormone LH

Estrogen Level Total

TSH Ultrasensitive (3rd Gen)

T4 Free

[throatcoat]

//chapter 13// //ghosting, literally//

it was close to the winter break and i was spending the holiday in the high school commons laying out styrofoam plates and utensils on the blue table tops. the smell of scalloped potatoes and some sort of meat filled my nose, leaving me nauseated. more than half the town would be there any moment, and more than anything, i wanted everything to be over with already. my face hurt, and i could feel the bruises starting on my puffy eyelids. sighing, i sit at an empty table, staring at the tiger's portrait. my stomach hurt, and i felt like i needed to vomit.

the day before, my eyes were so swollen from tears that i could not see. it had been a week since i last heard from jeremy, a week since my messages no longer were able to be delivered and i had zero clue why i had gotten blocked. that morning though, i finally got an answer in the form of an unknown number and a little girl voice on the other end.

i met him a week after i had turned 12, exploring chatrooms out of boredom and loneliness. i spent most of my time in one that was centered around art, meant for teens, but just as filled with creeps. it did not deter me. on one particular tough night, i found myself replying to some kid asking if anyone else liked the video game kirby. we clicked instantly, and suddenly i had my very first true best friend. jeremy and i connected on a lot, but mostly out of two shared commonalities- severe depression and being bullied. neither of us really had friends- the day we met, some kid had knocked his front tooth out and he told me that he planned on never smiling again. that day, i had a boy ask me out as a prank, sure, not as physically painful as a missing tooth, but the humiliation was familiar.

i lost my best friend before we even turned 16. at first, i thought it was a lie, a prank, and it was not until a few years later that i found myself scouring the internet for proof, anything. a short obituary, the mention of a small memorial for a 15 year old who had a whole life ahead of him. aside from his sisters jumbled and quick phone call, i did not want to believe it, and sometimes, i think being catfished would have made the whole thing a bit more acceptable. a year prior, i had lost nathan, and now here i was, once again mourning in the same cafeteria. the accessibility to a rope and a tree was way too easy.

my fingers trembled as i pushed myself up from the table, i had a few more settings to lay but i felt too sick. i dropped the pile of plates in my hand and rushed to the bathroom. i did not know if i was going to vomit or cry or both or neither but i just needed to get out of there. the smell of the potatoes and old women's perfume was becoming overbearing. i sat in the same stall i always found myself in when having a panic attack, the one that had my named carved into the door by some bitch with a problem. i gulped down air as my fingers traced over the crude carving. a reminder that i was real, or at least existed to others outside of the crowded hallways of my brain. even if it was not a gentle one, it was still something to ground me to the earth a little bit.

my head in the toilet bowl, arms almost buckling, i think about how there is a blizzard in minnesota and it has made it's way all the way over to washington state. my heart was frozen, i was cold. grief feels a lot like hypothermia. like locking yourself out of your house as the temperature dips below freezing- you did not expect to be outside for long so you never bothered with putting a coat on. teeth chattering and toes curling in on themselves, there is no one there to warm you up quickly.

i told two people about his suicide.

the first was one of my real life friends, a simple, "that's unfortunate."

the second was my mother, who could only talk about how my dad lost a friend in the way at the same age. she thought it was selfish.

i learned to hold the grief in, i think jeremy was a lesson on the fact that you are the the only person who can save yourself, and sometimes saving yourself is really just drowning until someone else reaches in and pulls you out. sometimes, we are too late and we think the drowned person is just floating, lazy in the sun, we don't see their blue face bobbing half way out.

i keep finding myself staring into every body of water i come across, the lakes, the river, the long island sound. i don't know what i expect to be staring back, all i know is that the water scares me and i can not swim. i guess he didn't know how to swim either.

[lovely-btch]

ya know, sometimes i wonder why I'm still alive, and then i realize it’s because I’m to much of a pussy to actually kill myself. Literally the only reason I’m not dead yet is cause I’m a scared little bitch. Literally the only reason my family found out that I’m depressed is cause one day in science class in sixth grade I told one of my classmates about my suicide plan, so they told my counselor and then we went and got me diagnosed. Also it pisses me off when my friends call me autistic, even if it’s just a joke, I’ve gotten the test done three times and every time it came back no

Also one summer me and one of my friends were going to dollar tree for some food, keep in mind we are female bodied and it was hot as balls out. As we were walking we start to get harassed by a man in a bike, he follows us so I called the cops, at one point he leaves for a bit but comes back. Me and my friend run straight into dollar tree and wait for the cops to show up, and literally as we’re talking to the cop the same creepy guy is walking up, so he got body slammed onto the ground. Now this guy was like 20 if I remember but looked like he was 40, me and my friend were like 14 or something! So ya, later on we found out that the fucker was a FUGITIVE FROM TEXAS! So he got sent back. So now I don’t like sitting next to guys and if someone was to call me pretty girl I will most likely have a full on breakdown.

and speaking of breakdowns I had one in my pe class a while ago and my teacher didn’t notice, while it was a more so quiet breakdown, she didn’t even look near my direction at all. And I was having really bad thoughts like suicidal thoughts and about hurting myself, dude I was literally hitting myself, so as soon as class was over I called my mom and had my dad come and get me from school and just rotted in bed the rest of the day

[finsterhund]

Sorry no updates in a while. I promise I'll talk about the con at some point but I'm stressed to hell and back.

Shit.

Depression, the inflation and the feeling of treading water affects us all. Roommate is stressed to all hell about his money issues and of course that's adding to my stress. As easy as it is for some people to say I shouldn't cover for him, ultimately the roof over my head depends on it. So there's no real way to get outta that in case you really couldn't figure that out yourself. It sucks but hey, I'm used to being poor. I spent several years as a minor being the sole breadwinner of a household at one point. I wish I could buy trinkets and toys especially because this month (May) and now because of Cazza's death June also are real fucking agony. The time immediately leading up to my birthday is not a happy one. It's traditionally when I'm the most at risk for suicidal thoughts and giving up. I just wish I could live on the farm and have a fucking greenhouse and whatever. Some shit.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose my newfound regained passion of growing plants because it's the one thing I have right now. It feels like I'm on the verge of burning out often. Like I want to just go back to depression napping. Maybe I'm just an immature petulant boy who can't be patient and doesn't want to wait for my plants to "do something" but I think what's impacting me is that I have no space and very little money. So I'm very limited to what I have room for. My singular sunflower died (Scott literally ate it. Thanks Scott) and I'm constantly playing plant Tetris on my windowsill. The dollar store bright ass pink grow bulbs don't seem to offer the correct amount of simulated natural light that is needed for most plants also. I don't think direct growing in our native soil is gonna be possible. I attempted to plant three scarlet runner plants behind the building, the same exact sunlight and temperature they got from my window. And they got just absolutely spectres-to-Andy eaten alive by pests pretty much immediately. Like those motherfuckers jumped at the chance. Just came out of the woodwork.

I did find out why my mom was so cagey about getting me cuttings though. The stupid fucking landlord or whoever killed my goddamn cherry tree. I am so fucking mad. I want to scream. I loved that fucking cherry tree so fucking much. It was an important source of food growing up. I liked playing on it and it was in the yard. Mom couldn't tell if my oak and apple trees got killed too because she couldn't look into the backyard fully. I am just fucking crushed. It was supposedly a sucker tree from the neighbor's cherry tree which is allegedly still there. But I remember the fruits being slightly different which would imply it was not a clone but rather a sexually produced offspring. Which is fucking dead now. I am absolutely fucking infuriated. These bastards will take and destroy everything I fucking love. Because of money. I wish more than anything right now I would have had the foresight to take cuttings of all my trees and/or dug up my saplings that I personally planted at that house before mom was kicked out but that shit bitch landlord literally gave her less than a month (illegal but poor people can't sue) to get out of the house. As it was when I went to help her and my brother leave in that short notice the act of moving everything so fast destroyed me mentally and physically. I just can't. My poor fucking cherry tree. The entire time I lived there it was such an important presence in my life. And these cunts just fucking killed it.

With that being said, my mom stresses that the elementary school willow tree is still very much alive and then she did evidently after pleading agree to take cuttings. She also found an acorn that had sprouted and wants to send it to me as well because she doesn't have room for another oak sapling (she has one of mine left that was never up-potted. Does not want to part with it evidently.)

I just. Fuck man. 100% that piece of shit didn't want to get off their lazy ass and actually do the minimal upkeep required for this fucking low matenance fruit tree. Landlords are fucking lazy ass parasites that literally grow fat off the hard work of others. I hate them so much.

I had a few people encourage me to maybe try and become an arborist as a career but um... I'm pretty sure I'd meet my first shithead who wants to butcher a perfectly healthy native tree that's older than they are and I'd just fucking break their nose on reflex. This just cements that. I'm reminded of when I was little and there was a tall thin tree no clue anymore what species it was that grew in the front yard next to the fire hydrant. It was there long before the fire hydrant but you know what had to fucking go? My beloved tree. I was either six or seven when this happened. I remember how alluring that tree was when first moving into that house because someone long ago had tied a scarf, now grimy and unable to determine its color, to one of the lower branches. Potentially so use as a visual reference when parking a car. I remember the sight of them taking out its giant fat curled taproot. And feeling so sad. I fucking hate change.

I don't even know if I can trust my mom that she's actually took cuttings from MY willow tree. What if she's lying and it's dead and she found a different willow tree somewhere else. How would I even know?

In other news I might be getting some of my transformative passion back in regards to my true love being Heart of Darkness. I've been thinking maybe I could try drawing again. Idk.

Roommate specifically mentioned how me buying gardening stuff was stressing him out because of money and now I feel guilty. I still have many things I need to find and buy. For instance I'm wanting to have something that can keep bugs away from outdoor plants. Like a mesh netting that won't impact moisture or light. Something like that. I've been spraying lavender oil onto leaves inside my room and I think that's working.

I want to get pitcher plants. Maybe when all my vegetables I am trying to grow this summer eventually die or something I'll only grow specific plants I really love. I wish I had an outdoor bonsai workshop. They do best outdoors and I want to have trees. And I feel that's the only way someone who's poor and young and disabled can ever have enough space for trees.

There's also a type of runner bean call black knight runner beans. They look cool as fuck. There are places online to buy seeds but it's unwise to spend money right now. Roommate told me not to for at least two months. No buying fun things. Which sucks because this is the time of year I suffer the most.

Anyways idk. I'm trying not to think about my cherry tree. It wasn't even technically mine. It was there before. But I loved it. Just like I've loved so many things that aren't here anymore.

I've had no luck rooting cuttings so far. None at all. Mint cuttings look like they are gonna die and attempts at blackberry cuttings have been unsuccessful. This is even with rooting hormone my neighbor found. Maybe I will try again in the winter or fall. It's why I'm so excited for willow. Even if I won't evet be able to fully trust if it was actually my beloved tree cuttings willow is still fun to work with. It roots really easily and grows really fast and it likes lots of water. So we're pretty compatible.

I will have to see if putting cuttings in willow water works better than rooting hormone. Or maybe it just takes a very long time. I don't know.

I wish they sold seeds of that flower that's hundreds of thousands of years old that they revived from an ice age squirrel cache. But they don't. I looked. Sad.

If anyone has any cool ice age or older plant recommendations I'd like to know.

I really wish I could have proof those cuttings are gonna be from my elementary school willow tree. I wish I could trust my mom that much. It hurts that I can't. I feel sad.

My newest fan that I got last year infact has broken off the stand. The stand is hollow so the plastic just fucking snapped. I fucking hate how poor workmanship is the norm now in consumer goods. It is a Honeywell which I know from experience in the past were virtually indestructible.

So I gotta come up with a new stand idea. Maybe build it out of wood pieces or something.

I wish I could be more active and talkative to my friends at least. But I've really been struggling to keep up to date with my online social circle. All I can do is walk Scott and tend to plants and sleep.

I am going to grow dandelions as houseplant. The entire thing is edible and I've always wanted to see what they're like when they are cared for. Also some clover I found outside. I don't know why. They just make me happy I guess.