#I find it every so often and I've only seen the show 3 times at this point

[faded-florals]

About to move my stuff to a different purse for my trip into the city tomorrow to see Moulin Rouge again, and what do I find at the bottom of the front pocket? Confetti from one of the previous times I saw the show! 😂

[muqingslover]

Ok, so... this might be a bit of a +18 think piece, but... what do you think the lads men would have as their top 3 kinks? I started thinking about it after I read the Xavier somno one, lol. Maybe I'm crazy but I think Caleb would have blindfolds/rope play in his top 3 (on mc not on him, since he wants to see all of you but is very resultant to show all of himself back due to fear of rejection+ if mc is tied up she can't leave)

[ choosing only three was a lot harder than I thought whew. Also, I'm testing out different layouts rn so don't mind me (⁠^⁠～⁠^⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ]

Predator/Prey Play: This guy is the literal definition of wolf in sheep's clothing. What gets him going is the thrill of the hunt and the turntables (his specialty), which is why he will often let you think you're in control and have your fun teasing him only to then pounce when you least expect. If you run from him then you better pray he won't catch you or not.

Exhibitionism: This might be a hot take but walk with me. Xavier is a very jealous man so he won't ever allow anyone to actually see you, buuuut he is very into letting others know you belong to him. You gotta leave for a mission with someone else? Not to worry, all he needs is 10 minutes in the bathroom stall. The bread guy is back at it again? It can't be helped, he'll just have to fuck against the door while he's knocking to show you're busy. He'd love to see you struggling (and failing) to keep your voice down and looks like a smug cat when others notice the marks he left on you.

Cunnilingus: This man eats pussy like a goddamn champ. He absolutely adores having your thighs wrapped around his head, to the point he finds it comforting, and the feeling of his tongue stretching open your dripping pussy for his cock later. Your taste is something he could have every day, which he will if you let him, and he takes pride when you're left a writhing, whimpering mess that begs for him to fuck you.

Bondage: The joke about him tying MC up with surgical knots was definitely not a joke. In my opinion, rather than the power rush over the control he has over you, what really gets him off is the trust you put in his hands. Bondage is all about having faith in your partner to never truly hurt you and knowing you see him that way makes him feel beyond special. Given the chance he'd love to have you wrapped in dark blue, silky ribbons and the aftercare is top tier with this guy.

Lingerie: For some reason I feel like Zayne is REALLY into seeing you wearing lingerie. Ladies, feel free to tease him by telling him you're wearing one, but not letting him see until he's home much later. He'll spend the entire day imagining what type of lace you have under your clothes and he pretty please asks you to strip for him as a reward for waiting.

Phone Sex: Another one I just have a feeling it's his thing. I mean, he is a busy man and sometimes it can't be helped, people have needs yk. He'd like the feeling of knowing you think of him as much as he does of you when the other is not around. The photos you send and the sounds of your needy whines right next to his ear goes straight to his cock and he is mortified when the post-nut clarity hits him and he realizes what he did in his own office.

Overstimulation: I'm an overly sensitive Caleb truther. The overstimulation has his head spinning so good that he can barely form a coherent thought that isn't your name while he slams into your pussy for the nth time like a desperate man. He doesn't want to simply break you he wants to break together, to the point neither of you can think about anything else besides how good it feels.

Roleplaying: I've lost count of the amount of times we've seen him and MC roleplaying and this man will unironically take it to the bedroom. It starts as a joke where he's only doing it to make you laugh, but then he won't allow you to break character and will edge you until you say your "lines" correctly. Forceful and cold soldier? Check. Teasing and pervy Gege? of course. A loving and gentle husband? Sign him up. Strict teacher? No need to ask twice.

Brat Taming: Now defying Caleb is the equivalent of waving a red flag in front of a bull and you better run because when he catches you you're done for. He needs you to need him as much as he needs you and if he has to break you for you to admit it then he will. The rush of being the one in charge and "taking care" of you in a way no one else will is enough to have his cock throbbing.

Breeding AND Biting: These two go hand in hand every time you have sex with him. He craves to have a family with you but, more than anything, he wants you to be as full of him as his heart is of you. He wants you to be so filled with his cum that he has to keep his cock inside otherwise it'll leak out of you. He absolutely enjoys the slippery mess your warm insides become when he rocks his hips into you, slowly but deep, pushing his cum even further into your womb and hoping you'll get pregnant.

Body Worship: I've said it once and I'll say it again: Sylus is a lover boy! ! ! Each kiss on your skin is an offering, a promise and a worship. He wants to know the parts of your body not even you do and give you the love you deserve. The praises he whispers against your body are similar to a prayer and he could spend years exploring every inch of you without ever getting tired. You're the very reason for his existence and any less is just unacceptable.

Size: This guy is not only big but he's also very large. He is a softie who likes to tease you about how small you are compared to him while he holds your hand and pretends he doesn't hear your complaints about him suffocating you after the draped his heavy body over yours. That feeling of satisfaction extends when he has to gently coo you and kiss your tears away while he's spreading your little hole open. He can't help the fangy grin on his lips when he feels his cock bulge on your tummy and he holds your hand over the spot so you feel how deep he is inside of you as well.

Rough Sex: Another controversial take but I feel like he's a secret sadist just not the extreme type. Man can flip his demeanor from "harmless babyboy" to intimidating sea god in a split second who knows what else he's hiding under that purple wig. He'll keep an almost cold demeanor while he coaxes whimpers out of you in the best way and a wicked smirk spreads across his face at the sight of your tears, spurring him on until he's completely broken you.

Food Play: That's definitely one way to make sure he actually eats. Having you be his meal will make him hungry like never before and oh he absolutely will feast (this may or may not be a reference to this). He makes a point of not using his hands while licking along your skin, tasting the sweet chocolate before he left a purple mark on your thighs. Oh, this goes both ways so please pour wine on him and lick him clean ;)

Body Painting: I forgot if there's an actual English term for this but Rafayel would love to draw on your skin and watch you squirm each time the soft, wet brush went over your perked up nipples. He'd scold you when you move because you're making him smudge the lines and holds you in place with his free hand, warning you to stop or he'll take "extreme measures" to make you keep still. You are the only one he'd ever dare to call a masterpiece.

[slytherinshua]

꩜　EMOTIONS OVER LAUNDRY　( 최연준 )

genre hurt/comfort , parent au , husband!yeonjun x fem!reader   cw they have a newborn daughter , mention of struggling to conceive , yeonjun crying , small mention of postpartum/newborn anxiety , not proofread   wc 917   request 🥟 anon for yeonjun + folded laundry for the 3k event   note still in my txt era so bad and also yeonjun :( our healing i love him so much he would be such a good dad </3 i've been listening to love sailing by cha eunwoo the entire time while writing this and i am NOT okay it's 3 am and i may cry   net @kstrucknet @moadiarynet

You didn’t expect to come home to see your husband crying while folding laundry. At first, you thought something must be seriously wrong. Yeonjun was always fairly emotional, but you hadn’t seen him cry since you gave birth to your baby girl Yejin two weeks ago. He wasn’t one to cry over little things, and the tears only started falling when he was stressed or upset or overwhelmed with emotion. Seeing his red nose and puffy eyes sitting in the middle of the living room floor took you off guard. 

“Honey, what’s wrong?” You were holding your newborn in one arm and shrugging off your jacket with the other, eyes glancing over your baby’s face once again. 

The new mother anxiety was something you had somewhat anticipated and prepared for. But just how anxious and paranoid you were over your newborn child still surprised you. It was like if you took your eyes off of her for more than ten seconds, something horrible was bound to happen to her. Your mind was put at ease to find her still sleeping soundly in your arms. The walk around the newbourhood in her stroller had tired her out, and carrying her back inside did nothing to wake her.

Your husband looked up at you with fresh tears in his eyes and a pout on his lips, sniffing quietly. You walked over to where he was sitting, gently transferring Yejin to her newborn rocker where she could continue napping safely. Then, you turned to your husband and raised an eyebrow as if to reiterate your previous question without verbally stating it again. 

“It’s nothing, just…” Yeonjun trailed off with a sigh, a light pink baby onesie on one of his hands. The garment was so small compared to him. Even the small stacks of neatly folded clothes looked tiny, although it was nearly half your daughter’s wardrobe. 

“She’s so small,” Yeonjun whispered, another tear rolling down his cheek. Immediately, you understood exactly where all the emotions were coming from. It happened to you a few times as well when Yejin was particularly cute or you remembered just how long you and Yeonjun had tried for a child, all the struggle it took to get to this point. It was all worth it for her, your perfect little bundle of joy. Even looking at her brought a smile to your face. Even though it had been hard, for her, you would do it all again in a heartbeat. 

“And—and, I was folding her clothes, and they’re all just so small, just like her. And she’s so, so cute, and she’s really ours. It doesn’t feel real that she’s finally here. Sometimes I think I’ll wake up one day and realize this was all a dream, like we’re back a few years ago still trying for her,” Yeonjun breathed, words mumbled in his choked up voice. 

You shifted closer to him, brushing a hand up and down his back as he leant into your touch. With how often Yeonjun had comforted you and wiped your tears away during pregnancy, now it was your turn to do the same for him. 

You had taken it hard back then. Every negative test, every piece of false hope, every month that went by without progress; your husband was there to comfort you through it all. He stayed firm and strong when you weren’t able to. You knew he had been holding back his own feelings on it for you, not wanting to show how much it affected him too. You’d be blind to not see how much it was hurting him as well. He had always wanted a family just as much as you had, and you knew just how happy he was to have finally been able to start one. 

It was just an emotional journey. 

Yeonjun fully rested his head on your shoulder, warm tears dripping onto your shirt. You didn’t mind. You just continued to stroke his back, reaching out to hold one of his hands and giving it a reassuring squeeze. Yeonjun couldn’t stay strong forever. Although it had been two weeks since you came home from the hospital, it felt like today was the first time you truly got to relax and breathe. Caring for a newborn was nonstop, and you were both running on sleepless nights and parenting anxiety. You worked through it like you did anything, though. As long as you had each other, you were sure things would turn out okay. 

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun whispered after minutes of silence. “I didn’t mean to get so emotional all of a sudden.” He pulled back from the hug and sent you a small smile, assuring you silently that he was okay, that those small moments of comfort were all he needed. He carefully folded the small onesie he was still holding and placed it on top of the stack of other similar ones. 

Leaning over the baby rocker, he smiled brightly at his daughter. Still sleeping soundly without a care in the world, wrapped up in a soft yellow onesie. Her hands were balled into little tiny fists, so small that they could barely wrap around Yeonjun’s thumb. 

He brushed a few fingers over Yejin’s head and soft wispy strands of hair. It was peaceful watching her sleep, and a feeling of reassurance washed over Yeonjun. He was her dad, and he loved her more than anything in the world. He’d sacrifice everything for her— his perfect little angel. 

txt taglist (bolded could not be tagged): @kangtaehyunzzz,, @eternalgyu,, @90steele,, @ddeonudepressions,, @cham3li,, @wolfmoonmusic,, @98-0603,, @weird-bookworm,, @candewlsy,, @blossominghunnie,, @amara-mars,, @wccycc,, @seunghancore,, @ujisworld,, @sobun1est,, @bananabubble,, @talkingsaxy,, @sxmmerberries,, @talking-saxy,, @nicholasluvbot,, @cupidslovearrows,, @50-husbands,, @hursheys,, @stannwjnss,, @gong-fourz,, @nonononranghaee,, @forever-atiny,, @stantxtforabetterlife,, @loserlvrss,, @lexeees,, @cupidslovearrows,, @hyukabean,, @nicholasluvbot,, @i03jae

[kitconnor]

WORKING WITH YOUTUBE QUALITY - HOW TO GET THE BEST RESULTS

helloooo, i recently feel as though i have found the key when it comes to dealing with youtube quality and i thought it was worthwhile sharing! i'm finding that when you're stuck with 1080p videos only, (although there is a lot more 4k downloads these days, thankfully) the quality is pretty poor. BUT, this is speaking exclusively about the quality of youtube 1080p - if you use a site such as sharemania, that's usually acceptable and good quality and doesn't deliver poor results.

but alas, this is about youtube, so let's get into it! this process will simply go over all the ins and outs of working with youtube quality, and will not look into the entire giffing process. i'll be using photoshop 2025, but it should work on any version!

Download your video.

firstly, start by downloading your video with 4k video downloader. (<- this will lead directly to a dl of 4k video downloader if you don't have it already! link is all safe and official <3) i can't really think of any other downloader because i haven't used any apart from this one. it's safe and secure and does a really good job.

you'll want to choose the 1080p option that is the BIGGER file amount. not every video will have that, but i believe that the bigger file size is the youtube premium 1080p. take what you can get with them 😭

2. Load frames, crop, convert to smart object...

just get your normal prep work done! make sure to leave out sharpening. you should essentially just be here:

(if my process looks a bit odd or if, on the other hand, you'd like to know my process, you can check that here.)

3. sharpening.

THIS is the point that changes how your youtube file comes out. often times, you'll find the gif comes out with chunks, squares and overall poor quality. kind of like if i used my regular sharpening:

chunky! gross! trashy! i'm seeing too many pixels and things aren't looking the right way that i'd like. (tbh, it's not the worst i've seen - but you can definitely notice when there's light.) if i went on as it is now and continued to colour it, it would continue to look bad.

so, here's what you'll do.

i use multiple sharpening actions, for different purposes: one for hq downloads, so any movies, tv or downloaded/4k music videos, one making icons and the other for lower quality media and photos. the one that i typically use for youtube quality is @/anyataylorjoy's sharpening action (which many gifmakers use, so i wouldn't be surprised if you do already have it!) which is what you'll use. apply the action, using the 'sharper' lot.

^ that's the settings.

4. sharpening pt 2. (noise)

now, you'll need to add noise to offset how harsh the rest of the gif still comes up.

apply these exact settings onto the gif and ensure that monochromatic is enabled.

sometimes, 2% noise might make it look worse, or not be enough. i personally wouldn't go to anything more than 3%, (i don't think you'll ever want to use 3%) and wouldn't go lower than 1%.

it's grainy looking at the moment, just as is. from here, i'll colour it, and then if i think it's no good, i'll go back and clear the noise filter and toggle it. that's just how the process works, don't stress if it doesn't always go your way 😭 that's just gifmaking!

here's the final product!

and here's another example too, i know this one has a lot going on colour wise, so it can be good to look at it working on something with less bright colours:

as compared to before! before shows the gif was really smooth, as compared to in chappell's, were the lighting was just kind of messing with everything. you're more likely to come across videos that are that weird smooth quality, so i'd say that 7 times out of 10 you'll be applying these settings to something more along the lines of doechii's!

the before :)

[undiagnosedcruelty]

Almost?

Pairing: bestfriend!Bang Chan x afab!reader

Summary: Chan and you have been best friends forever, always toeing the line between friendship and something more.

Genre: slow burn trope.

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Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Emotional Tension, Implied Sexual Tension, Suggestive, Mutual Pining, Kissing.

Word Count: 570

A/N: I didn't know if I felt like writing fluff or angst, so, bear with me.

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THIS WORK IS PURELY WRITTEN FICTION───NOTHING DIRECTLY RELATES TO REAL EVENTS

You've been best friends with Chan for... God, forever.

It started back in high school when he was still all curly hair and dimples, running on caffeine and ambition, making beats in his bedroom until 3AM. You were always there──sitting cross-legged on his bed, half-asleep with your laptop balanced on your knees, pretending not to notice the way he’d glance at you every time you laughed.

It was never supposed to be like this.

You were just friends. Always too close, always on the edge without ever crossing it. He was the golden boy──everyone's favorite person, the one who always took care of everyone else. And you were the only person who ever took care of him.

You were the one he'd call when the pressure got too heavy. The one who'd show up at his studio with takeout and stay until sunrise, listening to his half-finished songs like they were the only thing that mattered in the world.

He was your best friend.

He was never supposed to touch you.

But somewhere along the way, between the late-night car rides and the sleepy studio naps, between the way he'd wrap his hoodie around your shoulders without thinking. Something shifted.

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The Problem

Neither of you will admit you're in love with each other.

Instead, you both pretend it’s nothing — these little moments that stretch too long, the way his hand always finds the small of your back, the way your fingers always brush when he passes you a water bottle.

You're both too stubborn. Too scared to wreck the only good thing you've ever had.

But everyone else sees it.

Felix teases him about you constantly — little comments that make Chan's ears go red. Hyunjin swears you two are already together. Han flat-out told you one night, half-drunk on the couch, "If you don't fuck him soon, he's gonna die."

But neither of you ever crosses the line.

Until... almost.

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What They're All Thinking

Felix: "They're literally in love, but they're both too dumb to realize it."

Han: "They probably accidentally had sex and just never talked about it."

Hyunjin: "I've seen him touch her lower back like he's guiding a bride down the aisle — they’re already married in his head."

Changbin: "I don't get it. If I liked someone that much, I'd just tell them."

Seungmin: "I swear he's too old to not see through their own bullshit."

Lee know: "They're gonna snap. Give it three months."

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The Moment It All Starts Falling Apart

It happens in his studio — because of course it does.

You're half-asleep on his couch, wrapped up in one of his hoodies, the dim glow of his computer screen flickering across the room. He thinks you're asleep when he murmurs it — so soft you almost don't catch it.

"You don't even know how bad I want you."

You pretend not to hear him.

And that's when everything changes.

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The Rules of the Slow Burn

1. Neither of you ever talks about how often you sleep in the same bed.

2. He never touches you... except when he's guiding you through crowds or brushing hair out of your face or holding your waist when you're half-asleep.

3. You're just friends. Always just friends.

4. But every time you're alone, the air gets thicker — the silence stretching too long, his eyes flicking to your mouth like he's this close to losing his mind.

5. He never kisses you.

Until he does.

[utilitycaster]

I can't find the tags where someone said this so apologies for not crediting but they were to the effect of "EXU Divergence is very good and we don't need to compare it to Campaign 3 to point that out" and the thing is, I agree. Speaking only for myself I think my intent is, admittedly, to some extent less about pointing out how good EXU Divergence is and rather using the contrast to back up the point that Bells Hells were often self-absorbed, utterly uninterested and even scornful of any meaningful collective action until maybe the epilogues, and indecisive in a way that felt as though it should have been lethal but somehow wasn't; and that a story where every choice has a terrible clarity and potentially dire consequences is instantly compelling whereas no amount of screen time can save a story where this isn't true.

But also: I think, as many have, and EXU Divergence underscores this, that the attitude the PCs had towards the gods in Campaign 3 not only fails to be backed up by C3 itself but also fails to be backed up literally anywhere else. It's not a subversion; it's an aberration. The ending of Campaign 3 and the beginning of Divergence serve as fairly obvious parallels; the gods becoming mortal and unable to speak to followers (who, in the case of clerics, do still have all their powers, as we see with Lieve'tel and Deanna) vs. the gods departing the material plane. We see how this does not end the fight between Prime and Betrayer nor does it stop their followers from trying to take over (and indeed, we know that the lower Rifenmist peninsula does still ultimately fall, in the long term, to the Strife Emperor loyalist Iron Authority). We also see very directly what faith means to people who cannot under any circumstances be defined as the privileged few; for all I have no taste for trauma Olympics, it is difficult to look at Garen, under tyranny and forced labor for a century, powerless but for a hammer and sheer force of will, express a sense of hope and faith and argue that Bells Hells are simply following the logical path of someone who has suffered. We see the gods expressly state that mortals must care for each other, something which Deanna echoes in one of the strongest scenes in the Campaign 3 finale. We see a gift given without expectation of devotion nor worship nor even understanding, just in gratitude of someone fulfilling a tenet to its utmost. Which is refreshing after a campaign where multiple characters resented gods simply for not favoring them, without ever putting in effort towards this relationship.

I've seen the phrase "in a vacuum" pop up a few times in terms of defense of Campaign 3 in terms of "in a vacuum, I am happy with it", and while I happen to think it fails on many levels even within that airless confine, the fact is, this all is unavoidably part of one canonical overarching narrative. To look at how the gods are portrayed in every single other work - yes, even Downfall, and frankly, even Campaign 3 itself - and to come to the conclusion that Bells Hells acted with the desire for a better and more just world, and not simply a world that favored them more, is, frankly, to ignore every word that did not come from the lips of three or four ignorant people over the course of a decades-long story.

EXU Divergence is very good. I think it would be very good even if it were not coming out during our current political situation, or if it had come out following a radically different and better-executed Campaign 3; that is to say, it would succeed in a vacuum. But I don't think that's a valuable way to assess fictional works, and I think it's a disservice not to consider the canonical Exandria-set Critical Role works in conversation with each other. You can praise Divergence on its own terms, and indeed, you should, but it helps to show specifically how it succeeds (in terms of consequence, in terms of characterization, in terms of worldbuilding consistency) by pointing to how something else has failed.

[nose-rice]

Guys I NEED to rant about my thoughts on Nuru because i love her <3 ramblings ahead

Like I feel like in almost every fic i read, she's just like, a side character that's there to make whitty remarks to Hugo and be the levelheaded one. If she has an insecurity or problem it's usually pretty surface level and solved quickly, or only mentioned once or twice. I think there are SO many aspects of her character that are so cool.

Okay first, I think we sometimes forget that she's a nerd just like the rest of the gang. Yes, on the outside she's definetly the most 'normal' one, but I think we should concider the fact that she's the only girl in the group, and she's literal royalty. She was raised with a completely different set of standards than the other three. I don’t think I've really ever seen anyone cover that. I feel like she would get called "mature for her age" when she's only 15/16, and almost always gets critisism when she talks back with her own ideas (like her concerns about the meteor shows for example). I feel like out on her journey, she would finally get the freedom to just be herself, and be a kid and be able to rant on about her intrests with the rest of the group. It could be a struggle at first, but it would be awesome to see her getting more comfortable with the group the longer they spend together! Nerds encouraging nerdy rants lol

Since she is a kingdom figurehead, you could also argue that she always has a lot on her hands (especially since she's very proactive when it comes to science and solving problems). This could bring up a need to be productive, or always feeling like she needs to make the right decision, even for the littlest things.

I also feel like a lot of the time she's potrayed as the "right" one, who is 100% right when it comes to stuff like arguing with Hugo. Since they're opposites when it comes to class, they often are compared through that lense. I think it's cool just having Nuru tell Hugo off for judging a book by its cover, but I feel like they have a lot more in common than they realize. I think it would be interesting to see Nuru judging a book by its cover too. Maybe not to the degree that Hugo does, but I feel like calling out both their judging would not only call out character flaws, but it also enforces that even though they hate eachother and would never want to be like the other, they have a lot of the same flaws.

Also, being sheltered in a palace her whole life, I think she might think kind of black and white sometimes, and while she knows when people are just being mean as an act, she might struggle when it comes to people like reformed criminals.

Maybe she's able to be meaner to Hugo because she justifies it by telling herself he's criminal, and therefore bad, possibly glossing over the reasons he might be like that (maybe it crosses her mind, but she tells herself it's not a good enough reason, because stealing is still stealing, and he literally steals EVERYTHING. Even little trinkets and stuff he definitely doesn't need!). When they find out about Varian's criminal history, maybe she reexamines her views on morality and how she used to see people, because by her standards, Varian is a 'bad guy' who's caused harm to SO many people, but he's also the kind, caring, helpful friend that she's been traveling with who would never willingly hurt anyone.

Moving on to Amber x Nuru, I honestly never find myself liking the ship because Amber isn't developed enough which is fine. I don't think every character has to be a magnificent work of art. Side characters are side characters, but their romance is usually written like: "wow that girl is cute! I have a crush now!" Which is cool, but then that's about as far as it gets, then timeskip! Or offscreen they're a couple now. I know it's a side couple so it won't have as much devlopment as something like Varigo, but I never really see their dynamic play out in different situations. Like I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like they solely exist to be a couple? Amber sometimes just feels like an extention of Nuru, and their relationship feels surface level a lot of the time.

I feel like too often she's just watered down to the nice, smart, grounded friend, and I don't know I just think there’s so much more to explore with her. She’s not just some side character. She's literally part of the main cast! Even in fanart I feel like she doesn't really get a lot of stuff besides funny art and just like, pictures meant to look pretty. Unlike something you get a lot with characters like Varian or Hugo.

And honestly I get it. Some characters you just don't take an intrest in. I know I find Varian, Hugo, and Nuru more relatable than I find Yong, but I feel like part of that is developing their characters rather than just seeing them on a surface level. Ofc there are exceptions and there are some stories that dive deeper into Nuru's character out there! I just happen to see this A LOT.

Wow i said "surface level" a lot didn't I 😭😭

Anyway thank you for reading my rant i wanna know what you guys think!!

[mysticalmallard]

Stood up

Description: Opie takes a chance and goes on a date. Part 1 of the Opie and the waitress mini series.

Word Count: 2,583

Warnings: none I think

SoA Taglist: @arkytiorlecter @aimkatsz @ravennaortiz @darqchilddaydreamz @mischiefnevermanaged89-blog @hatersaremymotivators @theshynerdsworld @thefrogytimes @youngadult9016

♥︎ If you wish to be added or removed from this taglist comment or message me ♥︎

Parts:

1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 •

SoA Masterlist ♥︎ Main Masterlist ♥︎ Series Masterlist

Opie sighs softly as he stands and looks in the mirror, adjusting the collar on his shirt. He runs his fingers through his hair, slicking it back before giving up and letting it fall down to where it usually sits.

He glances at the bedside clock, groans when he sees the time, and then grabs his wallet as he heads out the door. He wasn't excited, in fact, he didn't want to be doing this, but the prospect of just being alone was even less appealing to him. His kids need a mother figure and he can't continue living the way he is.

The café they are meeting at, just outside of Charming, is quiet and fairly peaceful. Opie is sitting at a table, waiting on his date to arrive as he sips on a coffee. He glances at the door every time it opened, but he hasn't seen her yet.

A half-hour passes and his date still hadn't shown. Opie can't help the sigh that leaves his lips. It makes sense that she didn't show, and that he really is meant to be alone.

A waitress brings over a small cake and places it in front of him.

"Oh..I didn't order this" He hurriedly says.Opie looks up at the waitress before looking at the cake in front of him with clear confusion.

"I know you didn't, but it looked like you could do with cheering up" the waitress says softly.

He looks up at her Opie can't help the small smile that comes to his face, even if he does find it a little embarrassing that he was pitied by a stranger when he was waiting for a date that never showed.

"Thank you" he murmurs as the waitress gives a kind smile and heads over to the next table, leaving him to the cake.

Opie glances around the quiet cafe, and after a moment, he grabs the fork and starts to eat the cake, it's rich chocolate flavour giving him a sense of relief as he takes the first bite.

In fact, it tasted amazing, and Opie was soon finishing the whole thing, licking his lips as he sets the fork down. He grabs a napkin and wipes at his mouth as a shadow comes over his table.

He sighs as he stands, grabbing his wallet and pulling out a few bills to leave for the waitress as a tip, before he makes his way out of the cafe and to his bike outside.

Outside he spots his waitress stood outside in her coat her purse on her shoulder frowning at her phone glancing up the road every so often.

Opie stops mid-step when he sees the waitress stood there, and he can't help the look of confusion that comes to his face when he catches sight of her frown.

He glances up the road that she is looking down, curious as to what she is waiting for.

After a moment, he finally decides to approach the waitress, walking over and clearing his throat to alert her to his presence.

"you waiting for your ride?" he asks, a soft and almost gentle tone to his voice.

The waitress startles, obviously not expecting anyone to approach her, and it's not hard for her to recognise the handsome man that had been sitting in the cafe for over an hour.

"Uh...yeah, I am" she replies as she turns to look at him, a slight hint of embarrassment in her voice as her cheeks flush pink.

Opie stuffs his hands in his pockets and glances up the street one more time.

"You been waiting long?"he asks her, his eyes studying her face as he sees the redness in her cheeks.

The waitress gives a soft sigh and nods her head. "Yeah, for about 30 minutes. I was supposed to meet someone, but I think I've been stood up" she mutters as she runs a hand through her messy hair.

Opie can't help but give a scoff at her words. "You're not the only one. Whoever you were meeting is a fool" he huffs in reply, an unexpected anger in his voice.

The waitress raises her eyebrows at the tone in his voice, surprised to hear the anger in his words, even if she doesn't exactly know why.

"Oh? So you were stood up too, huh?" she asks him with a slight smirk.

Opie gives a slight nod of his head. "Sure was. Don't know why I thought this was a good idea" he replies dryly as he rolls his eyes.

The waitress gives a soft chuckle. "What a pair we are, both stood up on the same night" she teases, the smirk never leaving her face.

Opie gives a small snort before he shrugs his shoulders as a smirk appears on his own face.

"Guess so" he replies slowly, glancing down at her with a raised eyebrow.

The waitress smiles as she moves to lean back against the wall.

"I can't believe people are so rude. You would think they could at least have the decency to cancel when they change their mind" she mutters, crossing her arms over her chest, sighing to herself.

"I only agreed to the date cause I'm the only one left in my friend group, not married...I guess they thought I needed someone too ..." she turns her head up towards him "what about you? where did you meet your lovely date?"

Opie gives a scoff as she leans back and he moves to mirror her, turning his body towards her.

"An online dating site" he replies bluntly. "I ain't had a serious date since my wife died" he tells her with a soft edge in his voice, almost surprised that he is opening up to a stranger.

The waitress's face softens as he spoke, she never realising that he had lost his wife. The expression in his eyes tells her he doesn't want pity, something the woman can respect as she stays silent and gives him a small nod.

Opie gives a sigh as he looks up at the sky, trying to hold back the wave of emotions that are threatening to take over. He is glad that she stayed silent, he does not need to be coddled, he never has. "You going to be okay to get home?" he asks her, turning his attention back to the woman in front of him.

"Yeah, I think so" she mumbles looking back at her phone.

Opie stares at her for a moment before he gives a small nod, almost as if he is coming to a decision.

"How far do you live from here?" he asks, almost reluctantly.

The waitress looks up at him, almost a mixture of surprise and curiosity on her face. "About 15 minutes away" she replies slowly, not knowing where this is leading.

Opie grunts before he glances up the street once more, his eyes returning to her.

"You mind if i make sure you get home safely?" he offers, his voice gruff and quiet.

The waitress is surprised by his offer, and it honestly takes her a moment to reply and realise she had not in fact imagined it. But eventually, she does reply. "Oh..i couldn't accept that im sure you've got other places to be, I'm sure I could get ahold of someone to give me a lift" she answers not wanting to be a burden.

Opie doesn't let her finish her sentence, and he huffs as he gives a small shake of his head.

"No one should be walking home on their own at night, and you could be waiting ages for anyone" he replies gruffly. "Let me take you home, it's no issue..." he stands up off the wall. "come on my ride is over here" he nods in the direction of his bike not leaving any room for any argument.

The waitress doesn't really have a chance to reply, not that she actually wanted to. Her eyes widen at his blunt tone, but she pushes herself off the wall anyway and looks towards the spot that he had nodded to, and her eyes fall on a large harley.

She hesitantly follows him towards the bike, still not exactly knowing what to think of this man.

Opie glances over his shoulder as he moves towards his bike, almost amused by the look on her face. He can practically see the nerves coming through, as she glances at the bike.

"You ever been on a motorcycle before?" he asks, his voice gruff, as he lifts his leg over the bike and straddles the seat, waiting for her to get on behind him.

The waitress takes a deep breath as she steps closer to the motorcycle, it is certainly a lot larger than she expected and she suddenly questions the safety of the thing.

"no..." she mutters before she moves to climb on behind him, grabbing onto his shoulders to steady herself.

Opie can feel the weight of her behind him and the grip on his shoulders doesn't exactly go unnoticed either. A small smirk appears on his lips at the realisation she is nervous.

He starts the engine and glances into the side mirror at the woman sat behind him.

"You might wanna hold on tight," he says as he pulls off the side of the road.

The waitress lets out a small yelp as the bike lurches forward, and she quickly wraps her arms around his waist, gripping tightly as she does. They travel down the streets for several minutes, the woman behind him holding on tightly.

The feeling of having her arms wrapped around him ignites a low flame in Opie, reminding him once more how very lonely he has been since Donna died.

Opie can't help but smirk at the feeling of her practically shaking in fear behind him as the drive continues. "You okay back there?" he calls back over his shoulder with a chuckle.

"Yeah! I'm fine!" the waitress calls back, her voice loud over the engine as they speed down the road.

The waitress can't deny that there is something exciting about being on the bike, the wind in her hair, but she is also terrified to the core. She buries her face against his back, holding on for dear life as he takes a sudden turn.

Opie's smirk only grows as he can feel the grip on his waist tighten with every turn of the bike and every turn in the road. The thought of having a woman hold on to him, even if it was for her own safety, is something he isn't going to give up easily.

"your gonna have to give me some directions here" he calls out turning his head over his shoulder.

The waitress nods her head frantically as she lifts it from his back, before taking a quick glance at the street signs as she realises how close they are to her home.

"I'm just up here. Take the next right" she tells him, her voice shaky, and she buries her face against his back once more, as they make the final drive towards her home.

They arrive in front of a small apartment complex and Opie brings the bike to a stop, lifting his foot to balance the bike as he glances back at her. "This where you live?" he asks gruffly.

"Yeah..." she mumbles still clinging on to him.

Opie grunts in reply as he looks back at the building in front of them. It's not a nice building in the slightest. It looks dirty and well-worn, definitely not a place he would like any woman to live.

He glances back at the waitress as she continues to cling onto his shoulders, feeling her still shaking against him. "You gonna let go any time soon?" he asks, a hint of amusement seeping through his voice.

She lifts her head and realises that she was still holding on to him. Her face flushes pink yet again, having been so focused on being scared and the drive that she hadn't even realised.

She slowly lets go, and swings her leg over the back of the bike, ungracefully dismounting and standing up on shaking legs.

Opie reaches a arm out grabbing her shoulder to steady her.

Opie can't help the smirk as he watches the waitress wobble on her feet, clearly still shaken from the ride. "You gonna be okay? Or should I carry you upstairs?" he teases, his hand still on her shoulder.

"No...I'll be fine, thankyou for rhe ride," she says, trying to tame her hair, feeling embarrassed.

Opie watches as she tries to tame the hair that was messed up by the wind, and he can't help but think how much she suits the messy look.

He grunts in reply as he removes his hand from her shoulder, a reluctant motion as he wanted an excuse to keep that contact.

"It was no problem." he mumbles sit sat on his bike unsure of what to say now.

The waitress stands in front of him, an awkward silence that neither of them are sure how to break.

His phone started ringing, breaking the silence. Opie pulls his phone out of his pocket and glances at the screen, grumbling when he recognises the number.

"I gotta answer this" he mutters as he brings the phone to his ear."yeah?" he answers gruffly, his eyes still on the waitress standing in front of him as he hears a familiar voice come through the line.

Bobby's voice filters through the phone as he speaks, a touch of frustration in his voice. "Where you at? We got some business we need to sort"

Opie sighs as he glances down at the floor before replying "I'm on my way, gimme 30." He mutters, his tone leaving little room for argument.

Opie hangs up the phone and glances back at the waitress. "Duty calls" he tells her with a shrug.

The waitress nods, not wanting to be a bigger inconvenience to the man who has already done so much for her.

"Well thankyou again...er.." she realises she never got his name.

Opie can't help but give a small chuckle as he glances at her. "Opie, name's Opie" he tells her gruffly.

"Opie...well thankyou" she mumbles stepping back from his bike "maybe ill see you around?" She asks a hopeful look on her face.

Opie grunts in reply as he pushes the bike back. "Yeah, maybe" he mutters, trying to keep his tone casual, not letting the fact he actually wants to see her again show too much.

The waitress stands awkwardly for a moment, before starting to head towards the entrance to the apartment building. She turns around just before she reaches the door and gives him a small smile and a wave before heading inside.

Opie watches as the woman walks through the door and disappears inside. He lets out a sigh as he climbs back onto the bike, before gunning the engine with a screech and speeding down the road in the direction of the clubhouse.

Opie's mind is clouded with thoughts as he rides, the memories of what he had wanted his night to be like, and what it actually was.

He can't get the waitress out of his head, something about her had ignited a fire within him, something he hadn't felt in a long time.

He rides faster, trying to clear his head as he heads back to the club.

[freetheshit-outofyou]

@dankempauthor, I boosted your image to share in it's own post because that is spot on. I'm also adding this writing I read a couple times a year that only those who have had blood on their teeth, and felt ALL of life for those chaotic moments of combat can know.

June 26, 2007, 3:51 PM

By Brian Mockenhaupt

I Miss Iraq. I Miss My Gun. I Miss My War.

A year after coming home from a tour in Iraq, a soldier returns home to find out he left something behind.

A few months ago, I found a Web site loaded with pictures and videos from Iraq, the sort that usually aren't seen on the news. I watched insurgent snipers shoot American soldiers and car bombs disintegrate markets, accompanied by tinny music and loud, rhythmic chanting, the soundtrack of the propaganda campaigns. Video cameras focused on empty stretches of road, building anticipation. Humvees rolled into view and the explosions brought mushroom clouds of dirt and smoke and chunks of metal spinning through the air. Other videos and pictures showed insurgents shot dead while planting roadside bombs or killed in firefights and the remains of suicide bombers, people how they're not meant to be seen, no longer whole. The images sickened me, but their familiarity pulled me in, giving comfort, and I couldn't stop. I clicked through more frames, hungry for it. This must be what a shot of dope feels like after a long stretch of sobriety. Soothing and nauseating and colored by everything that has come before. My body tingled and my stomach ached, hollow. I stood on weak legs and walked into the kitchen to make dinner. I sliced half an onion before putting the knife down and watching slight tremors run through my hand. The shakiness lingered. I drank a beer. And as I leaned against this kitchen counter, in this house, in America, my life felt very foreign.

I've been home from Iraq for more than a year, long enough for my time there to become a memory best forgotten for those who worried every day that I was gone. I could see their relief when I returned. Life could continue, with futures not so uncertain. But in quiet moments, their relief brought me guilt. Maybe they assume I was as overjoyed to be home as they were to have me home. Maybe they assume if I could do it over, I never would have gone. And maybe I wouldn't have. But I miss Iraq. I miss the war. I miss war. And I have a very hard time understanding why.

I'm glad to be home, to have put away my uniforms, to wake up next to my wife each morning. I worry about my friends who are in Iraq now, and I wish they weren't. Often I hated being there, when the frustrations and lack of control over my life were complete and mind-bending. I questioned my role in the occupation and whether good could come of it. I wondered if it was worth dying or killing for. The suffering and ugliness I saw disgusted me. But war twists and shifts the landmarks by which we navigate our lives, casting light on darkened areas that for many people remain forever unexplored. And once those darkened spaces are lit, they become part of us. At a party several years ago, long before the Army, I listened to a friend who had served several years in the Marines tell a woman that if she carried a pistol for a day, just tucked in her waistband and out of sight, she would feel different. She would see the world differently, for better or worse. Guns empower. She disagreed and he shrugged. No use arguing the point; he was just offering a little piece of truth. He was right, of course. And that's just the beginning.

I've spent hours taking in the world through a rifle scope, watching life unfold. Women hanging laundry on a rooftop. Men haggling over a hindquarter of lamb in the market. Children walking to school. I've watched this and hoped that someday I would see that my presence had made their lives better, a redemption of sorts. But I also peered through the scope waiting for someone to do something wrong, so I could shoot him. When you pick up a weapon with the intent of killing, you step onto a very strange and serious playing field. Every morning someone wakes wanting to kill you. When you walk down the street, they are waiting, and you want to kill them, too. That's not bloodthirsty; that's just the trade you've learned. And as an American soldier, you have a very impressive toolbox. You can fire your rifle or lob a grenade, and if that's not enough, call in the tanks, or helicopters, or jets. The insurgents have their skill sets, too, turning mornings at the market into chaos, crowds into scattered flesh, Humvees into charred scrap. You're all part of the terrible magic show, both powerful and helpless.

That men are drawn to war is no surprise. How old are boys before they turn a finger and thumb into a pistol? Long before they love girls, they love war, at least everything they imagine war to be: guns and explosions and manliness and courage. When my neighbors and I played war as kids, there was no fear or sorrow or cowardice. Death was temporary, usually as fast as you could count to sixty and jump back into the game. We didn't know yet about the darkness. And young men are just slightly older versions of those boys, still loving the unknown, perhaps pumped up on dreams of duty and heroism and the intoxicating power of weapons. In time, war dispels many such notions, and more than a few men find that being freed from society's professed revulsion to killing is really no freedom at all, but a lonely burden. Yet even at its lowest points, war is like nothing else. Our culture craves experience, and that is war's strong suit. War peels back the skin, and you live with a layer of nerves exposed, overdosing on your surroundings, when everything seems all wrong and just right, in a way that makes perfect sense. And then you almost die but don't, and are born again, stoned on life and mocking death. The explosions and gunfire fry your nerves, but you want to hear them all the same. Something's going down.

For those who know, this is the open secret: War is exciting. Sometimes I was in awe of this, and sometimes I felt low and mean for loving it, but I loved it still. Even in its quiet moments, war is brighter, louder, brasher, more fun, more tragic, more wasteful. More. More of everything. And even then I knew I would someday miss it, this life so strange. Today the war has distilled to moments and feelings, and somewhere in these memories is the reason for the wistfulness.

On one mission we slip away from our trucks and into the night. I lead the patrol through the darkness, along canals and fields and into the town, down narrow, hard-packed dirt streets. Everyone has gone to bed, or is at least inside. We peer through gates and over walls into courtyards and into homes. In a few rooms TVs flicker. A woman washes dishes in a tub. Dogs bark several streets away. No one knows we are in the street, creeping. We stop at intersections, peek around corners, training guns on parked cars, balconies, and storefronts. All empty. We move on. From a small shop up ahead, we hear men's voices and laughter. Maybe they used to sit outside at night, but now they are indoors, where it's safe. Safer. The sheet-metal door opens and a man steps out, cigarette and lighter in hand. He still wears a smile, takes in the cool night air, and then nearly falls backward through the doorway in a panic. I'm a few feet from him now and his eyes are wide. I mutter a greeting and we walk on, back into the darkness.

Another night we're lost in a dust storm. I'm in the passenger seat, trying to guide my driver and the three trucks behind us through this brown maelstrom. The headlights show nothing but swirling dirt. We've driven these roads for months, we know them well, but we see nothing. So we drive slow, trying to stay out of canals and people's kitchens. We curse and we laugh. This is bizarre but a great deal of fun.

Another night my platoon sergeant's truck is swallowed in flames, a terrible, beautiful, boiling bloom of red and orange and yellow, lighting the darkness for a moment. Somehow we don't die, one more time.

Another night, there's McCarthy bitching, the cherry of his cigarette bobbing in the dark, bitching that he won't be on the assault team, that he's stuck as a turret gunner for the night. We'd been out since early that morning, came back for dinner, and are preparing to raid a weapons dealer. Our first real raid. I heave my body armor onto my shoulders, settling its too-familiar weight. Then the helmet and first-aid kit and maps and radio and ammunition and rifle and all the rest. Now I look like everyone else, an arm of this strange and destructive organism, covered in armor and guns. We crowd around a satellite map spread across a Humvee hood and trace our route. Wells, my squad leader, rehearses our movements. Get in quick. Watch the danger zones. If he has a gun, kill him. I look around the group, at these faces I know so well, and feel the collective strength, this ridiculous power. The camaraderie of men in arms plays a part, for sure. The shared misery and euphoria and threat of death. But there is something more: the surrender of self, voluntary or not, to the machine. Do I believe in the war? Not important. Put that away and live in the moment, where little is knowable and even less is controllable, when my world narrows to one street, one house, one room, one door.

We pack into the trucks after midnight, and the convoy snakes out of camp and speeds toward the target house. I sit in a backseat and the fear settles in, a sharp burning in my stomach, same as the knot from hard liquor gulped too fast. I think about the knot. I'll be the first through the door. What if he starts shooting, hits me right in the face before I'm even through the doorway? What if there's two, or three? What if he pitches a grenade at us? And I think about it more and run through the scenarios, planning my movements, imagining myself clearing through the rooms, firing two rounds into the chest, and the knot fades.

The trucks drop us off several blocks from the target house and we slip into the night. As always, the dogs bark. We gather against the high wall outside the house and call in the trucks to block the streets. The action will pass in a flash. But here, before the chaos starts, when we're stacked against the wall, my friends' bodies pressed against me, hearing their quick breaths and my own, there's a moment to appreciate the gravity, the absurdity, the novelty, the joy of the moment. Is this real? Hearts beat strong. Hands grip tight on weapons. Reassurance. The rest of the world falls away. Who knows what's on the other side?

One, two, three, go. We push past the gate and across the courtyard and toward the house, barrels locked on the windows and roof. Wells runs up with the battering ram, a short, heavy pipe with handles, and launches it toward the massive wood door. The lock explodes, the splintered door flies open, and we rush through, just the way we've practiced hundreds of times. No one shoots me in the face. No grenades roll to my feet. I kick open doors. We scan darkened bedrooms with the flashlights on our rifles and move on to the next and the next.

He's gone, of course. We ransack his house, dumping drawers, flipping mattresses, punching holes in the ceiling. We find rifles and grenades and hundreds of pounds of gunpowder. And then, near dawn, we lie down on the thick carpets in his living room and sleep, exhausted and untroubled.

Many, many raids followed. We often raided houses late at night, so people awakened to soldiers bursting through their bedroom doors. Women and children wailed, terrified. Taking this in, I imagined what it would feel like if soldiers kicked down my door at midnight, if I could do nothing to protect my family. I would hate those soldiers. Yet I still reveled in the raids, their intensity and uncertainty. The emotions collided, without resolution.

My wife moved to Iraq partway through my second deployment to live in the north and train Iraqi journalists. She spent her evenings at restaurants and tea shops with her Iraqi friends. We spoke by cell phone, when the spotty network allowed, and she told me about this life I couldn't imagine, celebrating holidays with her colleagues and being invited into their homes. I didn't have any Iraqi friends, save for our few translators, and I'd rarely been invited into anyone's home. I told her of my life, the tedious days and frightful seconds, and she worried that in all of this I would lose my thoughtfulness and might stop questioning and just accept. But she didn't judge the work that I did, and I didn't tell her that I sometimes enjoyed it, that for stretches of time I didn't think about the greater implications, that it sometimes seemed like a game. I didn't tell her that death felt ever present and far away, and that either way, it didn't really seem to matter.

We both came back from Iraq, luckier than many. Two of my wife's students have been killed, among the scores of journalists to die in Iraq, and guys I served with are still dying, too. One came home from the war and shot himself on Thanksgiving. Another was blown up on Christmas in Baghdad.

Thinking of them, I felt disgusted with myself for missing the war and wondered if I was alone in this.

I don't think I am.

After watching the Internet videos, I called some of my friends who are out of the Army now, and they miss the war, too. Wells very nearly died in Iraq. A sniper shot him in the head, surgeons cut out half of his skull—a story told in this magazine last April—and he spent months in therapy, working back to his old self. Now he misses the high. "I don't want to sound like a psychopath, but you're like a god over there," he says. "It might not be the best kind of adrenaline for you, but it's a rush." Before Iraq, he didn't care for horror movies, and now he's drawn to them. He watches them for the little thrill, the rush of being startled, if just for a moment.

McCarthy misses the war just the same. He saved Wells's life, pressing a bandage over the hole in his head. Now he's delivering construction materials to big hotel projects along the beach in South Carolina, waiting for a police department to process his application. "The monotony is killing me," he told me, en route to deliver some rebar. "I want to go on a raid. I want something to blow up. I want something to change today." He wants the unknown. "Anything can happen, and it does happen. And all of the sudden your world is shattered, and everything has changed. It's living dangerously. You're living on the edge. And you're the baddest motherfucker around."

Mortal danger heightens the senses. That is simple animal instinct. We're more aware of how our world smells and sounds and tastes. This distorts and enriches experiences. Now I can have everything, but it's not as good as when I could have none of it. McCarthy and I stood on a rooftop one afternoon in Iraq running through a long list of the food we wanted. We made it to homemade pizza and icy beer when someone loosed a long burst of gunfire that cracked over our heads. We ran to the other side of the rooftop, but the gunman had disappeared down a long alleyway. Today my memory of that pizza and beer is stronger than if McCarthy and I had sat down together with the real thing before us.

And today we even speak with affection of wrestling a dead man into a body bag, because that was then. The bullet had laid his thigh wide open, shattered the femur, and shredded the artery, so he'd bled out fast, pumping much of his blood onto the sidewalk. We unfolded and unzipped the nylon sack and laid it alongside him. And then we stared for a moment, none of us ready to close that distance. I grabbed his forearm and dropped it, maybe instinct, maybe revulsion. He hovered so near this world, having just passed over, that he seemed to be sucking life from me, pulling himself back or taking me with him. He peeked at us through a half-opened eye. I stared down on him, his massive dead body, and again wrapped a hand around his wrist, thick and warm. The man was huge, taller than six feet and close to 250 pounds. We strained with the awkward weight, rolled him into the bag, and zipped him out of sight. My platoon sergeant gave two neighborhood kids five dollars to wash away the congealing puddle of blood. But the red handprint stayed on the wall, where the man had tried to brace himself before he fell. I think about him sometimes, splayed out on the sidewalk, and I think of how lucky I was never to have put a friend in one of those bags. Or be put in one myself.

But the memories, good and bad, are only part of the reason war holds its grip long after soldiers have come home. The war was urgent and intense and the biggest story going, always on the news stations and magazine covers. At home, though, relearning everyday life, the sense of mission can be hard to find. And this is not just about dim prospects and low-paying jobs in small towns. Leaving the war behind can be a letdown, regardless of opportunity or education or the luxuries waiting at home. People I'd never met sent me boxes of cookies and candy throughout my tours. When I left for two weeks of leave, I was cheered at airports and hugged by strangers. At dinner with my family one night, a man from the next table bought me a $400 bottle of wine. I was never quite comfortable with any of this, but they were heady moments nonetheless.For my friends who are going back to Iraq or are there already, there is little enthusiasm. Any fondness for war is tainted by the practicalities of operating and surviving in combat. Wells and McCarthy and I can speak of the war with nostalgia because we belong to a different world now. And yet there is little to say, because we are scattered, far from those who understand.

When I came home, people often asked me about Iraq, and mostly I told them it wasn't so bad. The first few times, my wife asked me why I had been so blithe. Why didn't I tell them what Iraq was really like? I didn't know how to explain myself to them. The war really wasn't so bad. Yes, there were bombs and shootings and nervous times, but that was just the job. In fact, going to war is rather easy. You react to situations around you and try not to die. There are no electric bills or car payments or chores around the house. Just go to work, come home alive, and do it again tomorrow. McCarthy calls it pure and serene. Indeed. Life at home can be much more trying. But I didn't imagine the people asking would understand that. I didn't care much if they did, and often it seemed they just wanted a war story, a bit of grit and gore. If they really want to know, they can always find out for themselves. But they don't, they just want a taste of the thrill. We all do. We covet life outside our bubble. That's why we love tragedy, why we love hearing about war and death on the television, drawn to it in spite of ourselves. We gawk at accident scenes and watch people humiliate themselves on reality shows and can't wait to replay the events for friends, as though in retelling the story we make it our own, if just for a moment.

We live easy third-person lives but want a bit of the darkness. War fascinates because we live so far from its realities. Maybe we'd feel differently about watching bombs blow up on TV if we saw them up close, if we knew how explosions rip the air, throttle your brain, and make your ears ring, if we knew the strain of wondering whether the car next to you at a traffic light would explode or a bomb would land on your house as you sleep. I don't expect Iraqi soldiers would ever miss war. I have that luxury. I came home to peace, to a country that hasn't seen war within its borders for nearly 150 years. Yes, some boys come home dead. But we live here without the other terrors and tragedies of war—cities flattened and riven with chaos and fear, neighbors killing one another, a people made forever weary by the violence.

And so I miss it.

Every day in Iraq, if you have a job that takes you outside the wire, you stop just before the gate and make your final preparation for war. You pull out a magazine stacked with thirty rounds of ammunition, weighing just over a pound. You slide it into the magazine well of your rifle and smack it with the heel of your hand, driving it up. You pull the rifle's charging handle, draw the bolt back, and release. The bolt slides forward with a metallic snap, catching the top round and shoving it into the barrel. Chak-chuk. If I hear that a half century from now, I will know it in an instant. Unmistakable, and pregnant with possibility. On top of a diving board, as the grade-school-science explanation goes, you are potential energy. On the way down, you are kinetic energy. So I leave the gate and step off the diving board, my energy transformed.

[jimin-bangtan]

""Where can I find the official version of a BTS video that I've seen around?"": BangtanTV Playlists

Did you ever see a piece of footage over and over but never knew where to find the complete, official, original material?

A lot of official content can be found in the same place on BTS's official YouTube Channel, BangtanTV. BigHit has been publishing material there since the beginning of BTS's career. They even post every BTS album,  song, and music video by the group and each member. 

Yes, they have monetized it to earn money from the views (And why shouldn't they?), but in exchange, they offer a world of free audio and video files that I personally have never seen any artist do.

We were and are able to see pre-debut footage, debut footage, and footage as their career grew: the good, the bad, and the cringy.  They spoke directly to us in simple vlogs prior to VLives continuing currently in WeLives (WeVerse). They showed and still show us behind the scenes material from backstage, practices, photoshoots, etc.  They filmed Festa conversations and celebrations, as well as took us on trips and other adventures with them.

Q: Where can I find all of this original content, directly from BigHit and BTS, in order to avoid possible misleading editing and to give them credit for their work? 

A: You can find a good amount of it - for both group and solo work - under the “Playlists” tab on BigHit’s BangtanTV official YouTube channel. Once you click the Playlists tab, you will see over 80 folders, which were created to attempt to organize the thousands of videos.

EXAMPLES OF PLAYLISTS FOLDERS

BANGTAN BOMB

You’ve heard of Bangtan Bombs, right? Did you know that Bangtan Bombs include clips of BTS backstage moments, hotel time, performances, photo shoots, video reactions, and much more?

Notice there are 858 Bangtan Bombs on this playlist. To see them all, you need to click “View Full Playlist” instead of just clicking the thumbnail. TIP: Turn on closed caption (CC) for translations for most items.

Links 1, 2, 3, 4

BTS FESTA

Did you know that all Festa events (anniversary celebrations) are contained in the Festa folder in the Playlists tab? Even though there have only been 11 Festas, there are 112 videos because the Festa playlist contains all the Festa performances, fan songs, conversations, and specially-released dance practice videos or other previously-unreleased items posted as gifts to fans during the Festa time period.

Links 1, 2, 3

BANGTAN LOG

Did you know that since the start of their career, BTS has been talking directly to fans though cameras? RM (formerly known as Rap Monster), as their leader, led the way in the very first Bangtan Log in 2013 - before their debut (starting at the bottom of the playlist). Some Lives were later done on other platforms and are not posted here, but most current Lives can now be found on the Weverse official platform. However, a few have been done on other unofficial sites (I’m looking at you, JK.), like TikTok, which may not be saved on official pages. Fortunately, most can be found here and on the WeVerse platform. (Note: The members' names were sometimes written in Korean.)

Links 1, 2, 3, 4

BTS PRACTICE VIDEOS

Did you know that almost all released dance practice videos can be found in this folder under the Playlists tab on BangtanTV?  I say “almost all” because BigHit tried to organize this for your convenience, but there are some items out of place at times. For example, some early dance practices were called [practice records] and were released for fans during Festa celebrations, so they are found in the BTS Festa folder instead.  However, most of the practices are found here, most often labelled [Choreography]. Still, a few can be found in more than one location. Go Figure. *shrug*

NOTE: If you search for a song with its English title, you may not find it because the song has been posted with its Korean spelling.  Still, with a bit of patience, you can find misplaced items.

Links 1, 2, 3

BTS ON AIR

Did you know BTS used to do radio interviews as a group? They have also performed at many music and talk shows, and have filmed a lot of commercials for products they were hired to promote. Were you aware documentation of those items could be found here?

Links 1, 2, 3, 4

BTS EPISODE

Did you know that there are videos that show the behind-the-scenes for moments and events where BTS attended or performed?  This folder contains moments from before, during, and/or after TV appearances, photo shoots, activities, and music video shoots, etc.

Links 1, 2

Remember: These are only examples. There are over 80 folders under the Playlists tab.

I again hope this information is helpful to new fans and existing fans alike. Since I didn't get to catch up on all the material I thought I'd get to while BTS was gone, I at least began improving my knowledge of and understanding of the material and platforms available. Unfortunately, during my time as a fan, the location of official information was mentioned but was, and still is, very rarely explained or provided. I feel it took far too long for me, as a fan, to know where and what these items were, so I wanted to share with others what I have discovered from my journey in case anyone else is having the same experience.

My goals are to help to lessen confusion for other fans and to increase the use of original content for BTS. I'm also hoping it diminishes the power of misinformation, which is prevalent in this fandom.

If you're looking for more BTS official content resources, check out my my pinned post and scroll down to the category of "Miscellaneous". I also created lists of as many official links for BTS members, BigHit, and Hybe as I could find at the moment. I will do my best to update them as I go. Please enjoy discovering, or rediscovering, gems in BTS's huge archive of official footage.

💜

[elliespuns]

how do you think joel would react to his girl having tinnitus and yk having hearing issues.. (bc i have tinnitus since like 2020) i think he would notice she has trouble hearing sometimes and often cries at night. i think he would be so sympathetic and supportive bc he himself has deaf problems ❤️😭

I just got this ask today, but I am compelled to respond to this ask as soon as I can so you know you're not alone.

Like you, I have been dealing with tinnitus myself. For me, it's the "humming" sound in my right ear. I'm 31 years old, healthy lifestyle, no smoking (except weed, lol), no caffeine (wish I could). It started almost 3 years ago. They say that many tinnitus sufferers thinks of commiting a sucide. I don't blame them, because when this phantom ear noise first appeared and I wasn't used to it being my constant companion, I wanted to blow my head off. As it started, I experienced near daily headaches and felt chronically unwell.

I thought it was a hearing issue, so I began seeing an otolaryngologist to determine the cause. Despite conducting every possible test and procedure, they were unable to find anything wrong. In fact, when they measured my hearing acuity, the results showed it to be perfect for someone my age. Paradoxically, the ill ear actually tested with even better hearing than my other ear.

I was at a low point in my life, battling depression and feeling utterly hopeless. Nothing brought me joy anymore. The constant hum in my ear was ever-present, except for when I listened to loud music. Only then, with my earphones on or in a noisy environment, could I temporarily escape the frustrating sound. The worst were nights and being in a quiet place.

But as I was also experiencing problems with my cervical spine, someone suggested I consult a specialist, as it could potentially be linked to my tinnitus. So I was referred to a physiatrist and neurologist who performed various physical manipulations to correct my alignment. I also underwent electrotherapy sessions.

Nothing helped. Eventually, I resigned myself to my fate. Over time, the sounds faded into the background and became less noticeable, blending in with the ambient noise of everyday life, unless I was focusing on it. Then, 6 months into physical therapy a miraculous change occurred—the tinnitus, while not vanishing entirely, greatly subsided in intensity. I still experience it to this day, but now it only bothers me when my back is acting up, during a killer migraine, or when I'm exhausted to the point of feeling utterly spent.

So let me tell you, I totally understand you and I'm sending you a big hug, honey. Tinnitus is truly an awful thing to experience. From what I've heard, even those who are completely deaf can still hear tinnitus—can you imagine not being able to perceive any sounds, yet still having a constant ringing, humming or buzzing noise in your ear? Life has a fucked up sense of humor.

And when it comes to Joel...

Joel would likely be very sympathetic and understanding if his girlfriend was experiencing tinnitus and hearing issues. As someone who is also hard of hearing in one ear, he would have a personal connection to the challenges and frustrations that come with hearing loss. I imagine he would be extremely supportive and patient, always making sure to face her when speaking so she can read his lips. He would put a lot of thought into communicating in ways that work for her—speaking clearly, finding quiet spaces for discussions, being mindful of background noise, maybe even learning a bit of sign language. He would want her to feel seen and heard, like she's still 100% connected to him. If she expressed anxiety or hopelessness about her condition, Joel would probably share some of his own struggles and how he's learned to adapt. He'd reassure her that she's still the same person, and that a hearing loss doesn't define her worth. His gentle, steady presence would be a source of comfort and strength for her to lean on. Joel's also the type to help research treatment options and go with her to appointments. He'd be her rock through the whole process—whatever it takes to help her feel better. His love is unconditional like that. He'd find ways to make her smile even on the tough days, like bringing home her favorite comfort food or just cuddling up on the couch watching a movie. In his quiet, steadfast way, Joel would be her biggest advocate and most loyal ally through this journey with hearing issues. He'd show her that even with a different way of experiencing the world, nothing would change the love and bond they share. His girlfriend would feel so cared for and lucky to have a partner like him.

[ateez-himari]

Hi bb!!! I've missed you so so much but we're both busy with life and I've been really tired lately since I'm making up my missed fasts from last ramadan but anywayss.... How have you been?I hope you're doing well and that you're not too stressed😙I had some questionssss as usual

1-you know how parents(typically asian parents) always rush their kids to get married? I wonder if minari's parents are the same. Cause even yoongi said his parents always ask him when he's getting married

2-you've probably seen the videos of seonghwa wilding on stage during the europe tours, soooo hima probably would've been doing the same if not worse so is it possible to get some iconic moments from this tour?

3-you mentioned in your reply to my comment that hima held hongjoong's hand during the show so did hongjoong first find this weird? And how did he get used to it?

4-I wnated to ask this but when all the members had solos/duos (since only jongho had an official solo) who did hima have a song with on the album? Or did she have a solo?also during the iconic chorus part of 'WORK' Choreo who was hima partnered up with?

5-some chaotic moments between hima, yeo, and yunho? Since they share a dorm. Also who did hima share a dorm with first or a room with

Ily so muchh bb please take care of yourself and stay hydrated!!!! Feel free to reply to this ask when you feel like it i don't want to overwork you💓💓

(Also take this photo of baby jjong that is so cute but unintentionally funny since it looks like the pose 28 from dress to impress)

Omg Mina, hi! I missed you too!!🥹🩷 I wanted to answer this sooner but I have so many things due this week that I haven't had the opportunity to get to it. I'm kind of stressed but you know what, without math this semester is a little more calm so I'm doing okay!

• Himari is the only daughter of the Min family, so they originally wanted to protect their precious treasure against the pain of heartbreak, and were in no rush to see her grow to be an adult old enough to stand at the altar with a man. When they met Mingi, they saw how the two acted around one another, always gravitating towards their counterpart, and suddenly could not wait to see them with wedding rings on their fingers. Now when they see him, the very first question is 'have you proposed yet' and said they wanted grandchildren (though it's a sensitive topic for their daughter, so that talk soon ended)

Mingi's parents fell in love with their son's girlfriend the moment they officially met her under this label and they can see how badly he wants to propose - though both have agreed that in the midst of their ever increasing popularity it isn't the right time - so they definitely bring it up quite a bit. They both have her saved in their contacts under the name 'Daughter In Law' and often call her that when the couple comes over, sort of throwing winks their way

• Why do you always know what's in my drafts...I've been continuously re-working the concert moments compilation every concert-. Since you brought him up though I can give one of them away; they occasionally insert an acting stage between the two - which directly follows/transitions from the HongYunHwa act - and during one of them his fingers found their way inside her mouth while he was holding her throat from behind. (Not to throw anyone under the bus, but some members face troubles with the amount of adrenaline that comes with concerts). Here's a few solo moments;

Now I wouldn't say that the maknae was pole dancing when performing 'Addict' during the second day in London...but there was definitely a pole there, and a blindfold, and the male dancer was Mingi...and 'Wake Up' didn't stand a chance

When performing 'Shadow' right after the theft allegations against Hybe came out, instead of falling backward onto the bed like the usual performances, she dropped the (prop) mic and stuck two middle fingers up (like brother like sister)

During 'Work', instead of doing the normal choreography she did the ass shaking version (the one Kiss of Life did) right in front of an atiny that had the banner 'Himari Marry Me' and took off her jacket to give attendees a good view of her hips yk 🤭

• Hima has been doing this since the very beginning of their career, which he used to find somewhat odd because no one was aware yet that she was still in some kind of childish mindset. When she realized he was uncomfortable with skinship she began holding on to his sleeve, until their relationship grew closer and he let her hold his hand, even voluntarily seeking it out sometimes (in great part because he realized it comforted her - though he would never admit that). It's also a way for the maknae to ground herself amongst the overwhelming background noise, helping them communicate through things like the tightness of their hold

• 'Shadow' was actually the track that was used in 'The World EP. Fin: Will'! There were many more contenders, such as the draft version of 'Blinded Red' but when the other members were consulted about it, everyone agreed that if this was the one she wanted to use they had no problem with how dark the lyrics are. For the chorus she was partnered with San, and Mingi was placed in the middle since it's his verse (why is San lowkey always at the scene of the crime with these two...)

• Hima was rooming with Matz in their first dorm, sleeping on a futon bed next to the window despite their protests for her to take one of the bunks! Here's some chaotic occurrences in the new dorm;

Hima came home from the studio (during Golden Hour Part.2 production) and found the two men holding fire extinguishers while their smoke detector beeped incessantly - they tried to make dinner since she was definitely going to be tired yet failed miserably and set the fried rice on fire...in the pan

The first time either of the boys did laundry they had to go ask their maknae if it was okay for them to touch her 'you know what', which obviously confused her, and when she finally got the word out of them she realized that grown men were asking if it was okay to touch her underwear-

The members can be very forgetful when it comes to her hearing loss and one night Yunho decided to go to the kitchen to get an energy drink (at 11PM...) while she was doing the dishes, but when he slipped past her he put a hand on her hip to make sure she didn't move and hit her head on the open cabinet door, which resulted in her getting scared (because she didn't notice him) and punching him in the family jewels out of pure instinct

Ily so much more sweet! Once this week is over I'll rest a lot and take care of myself don't worry! 🥰🩷 You take care too and get plenty of rest! Also OMG I don't think I've ever seen this one he's so cute ksehfwen 🥹 (he really does look like that pose though)

[admirationandromantics]

Confidently Unconfident

Oh my lord, had to take so many breaks while writing this (wink wink), but I tried to add as much as possible from the request. I made it a little my own as well, but take it however you like. If you're unsure about what it's about, just read the request. For context, the group is at the lodge, au where the game never happened. Again, as I've done in the past, my blog is 18+!! Just putting that out there. So please, enjoy the story guys <3

Word count: 1,8k (unedited)

Jessica and sesbian lex occupy 100% of my thoughts (ovulation hits hard, we all know) I haven't seen any stories from you with this wonderful girl yet, maybe this will be the first...anyways, I really like to imagine Jess as a bisexual, more inclined towards men, and I got the idea of ​​​​a little story of Jessica's first time with an experienced girl :) I think it should be super cute! btw i think she would often ask "what should i do know? how was it? does it feel good?", and it would be just adorable! also, I think it's worth adding that in sex with a woman, Jess seems to me in the bottom position, when with a man, I think she more often takes the top! So after reader notices Jessica's concern and nervousness, she will say "don't worry, let me guide you, I'll show you"... THAT'S IT -anon

“Hey, Jess, are you okay?” Emily asks her, nudging her. I look over as I notice she’s pulled away from her trance, eyes leaving me and going to Emily, trying to explain herself. 

I’ve noticed how she looks at me, stolen glances when she thinks I’m not looking, wondering how it would be. I’ll not lie, I have thought about it myself, and it doesn’t take a genius to understand that she goes both ways. She has always had this quality about her, being super flirty is one of them, but never with girls. It’s like she’s intimidated by us, scared we’ll hurt her if she makes her move, coming out of her shell. Sometimes, I even look back at her, making sure she knows I caught her red handed. 

At the last parties, both of us have made a couple of getaways. Making out in the hallway, or finding another secluded area. It never went further than that though, always something getting in the way. It could be Emily, who wanted us both to check her make-up, Ashley or Sam who wanted to tell me something. Even sometimes Mike, who oddly wanted to drunkenly meet up with Jess. Every time we’ve been together and heard his voice, I always see her eyes rolling, sick and tired of the games he’s playing. I guess she really is over that small crush she had. 

As she looks up again, I nudge my head in the direction of one of the guest rooms in the lodge, hoping she catches the idea. A small smile creeps up on her face, a little too noticeable. If only the others knew what I was thinking. 

“I’m going to the bathroom” I declare, getting up with a loud groan. I walk up the stairs, stopping at the top to make sure she follows. 

“Does anyone have a blue eyeliner I can borrow?” 

“I do!” Jess shouts back, getting on her feet and making her way up. Her bubbly and eager nature doesn’t alert anyone, as she normally loves putting makeup on people. That’s one of the reasons Emily always wants her help. 

I walk to the first guest room that comes up, which luckily is mine. To be sure she sees, I leave the door a tad bit open, looking at myself in the mirror and fixing my hair. I really should’ve made sure my makeup was on point, especially if I was planning on seeing her like this. I lick my thumb, trying to straighten out my brow, making it look a bit more put together. 

“You look stunning tonight” her voice sounds from the opening. It’s followed by the door shutting and the sound of the lock clicking. I turn, meeting her gaze as she walks slowly over. She’s wearing a light blue, square neck top. Not too much cleavage, but still a significant amount. I almost can’t take my eyes off her, the outfit composed perfectly, her hair in a bun on the back of her head, small strands of hair hanging in front of her face, making it obvious that she hurried on her way here. 

None of us waste time, collapsing in each other’s touch, my hands going to her cheek and back, while hers rest behind my neck and on my waist. Just her touch alone makes me giddy, her small fingertips grabbing the hem of my top, using it to pull me further into her. She moves us slowly, guiding me backwards until my legs hit the bed, making me fall down on the mattress. She smiles, getting down on top of me as I shuffle us both to the middle so we have room to move. 

“I know what you’ve been thinking” I whisper between kisses, making her gasp as I grope her thigh. 

“Oh, really?” 

“Yeah” 

“Tell me what I’ve been thinking about then” she teases, pushing my back down again. My eyes widen a bit, a small smile on my lips. I’m surprised by her forwardness, and her eagerness to take control. 

“You’ve been thinking about me fucking the shit out of you. Using my mouth on you till morning, when your body is so overstimulated you can barely get up” I drag her top off, revealing a beautiful light gray lace bra. 

“You’re making it hard for me to keep my composure” she whispers, letting me sit up so she can drag my top over my head, throwing it on the floor. “Well, isn’t that the point?” 

“It would be, if that was my plan” 

I smile, feeling her lips work their way down my jaw and neck. 

“Then tell me, what have you been imagining?” 

She smirks, biting her lip as she slowly unbuttons my pants, dragging the zipper down. 

“Your moans and whines, getting you off and making you come on my tongue while you scream my name” 

“Fuck, Jess…” 

“Mhm, keep saying my name like that and I might have to work a little on myself as well” 

I lean back, feeling her hands drag the denim down and off my feet. Fucking hell, I can already feel my heat pooling, craving her touch more than I’ve ever done before. I sit still, feeling my legs almost shake from anticipation. Her hands go to my inner thighs, feeling the soft skin, leaving kisses all over before hooking them over her shoulders. I wait for a couple of seconds, upper body rising a bit to see her. 

She’s sitting there, eyes closed and taking a deep breath. I watch, she still hasn't noticed that I’m sitting up. She looks stressed, unsure. I lift my legs off her shoulders, making her awake from her trance, looking at me worriedly. I sit completely up, taking her hands in mine. 

“Hey, is something wrong?” 

“N-no, I just. I’ve never done this before” she whispers, voice suddenly vulnerable, the previous confidence gone. 

“You’ve never had sex before?” 

“With a girl, I mean” she explains, looking up, guilt coating her features. I try my best to give a comforting smile, hand going to her cheek, hoping to calm her nerves. 

“We’ve all been there, it’s scary. And there’s no stress, we can wait, we don’t have to do it-” I start, but she interrupts me, shaking her head vigorously. 

“No! I want to do this, I do, right now. I’m just, a little unsure about the process” 

“Want me to guide you, or go down on you first? I promise you, I’m not expecting anything major the first time, one usually needs to get to know the other before things start to get easier” 

“Ugh, just you saying all of that makes me want to do you so much more!” she whines, head falling in my lap from disappointment. I laugh, bringing her head up again and leaving a kiss on her lips. 

“I know I act all confident and stuff, but this is all so new to me” 

“I understand, everything was new for someone once, I get why you’re frustrated” I whisper, pulling back slightly, letting our noses brush against each other, both of us breathing heavily. 

“And I just want to make you feel good” 

“You will” 

“You don’t know that”

“Of course I do, you’ve already made me a dripping mess, every touch you give me, all the time sparks shoots through me. You have literally no idea how down bad I am for you” 

“You are?” 

“I am” 

A small smile creeps up on her lips, that knowing confidence starting to find its way back. She pushes me down again, starting to kiss my thighs again. My breathing quickens, lips parting as she bites my flesh, causing a loud moan to interrupt her attack. She looks quickly up at me, noticing my heaving chest and flushed face. Safe and satisfied, she leans down again, sucking and biting, getting closer and closer to my heat. 

Her hand ghosts over the soaked fabric, making my legs twitch. Fingers hook the underwear, dragging the piece off, exposing me to the cold lodge air. She watches in awe, tracing the wetness, curious and inexperienced. I almost chuckle from her hesitation, lifting my head to see her tilting her head to the side. 

“You good, Jess?” 

“Oh! Yeah, yeah I am, so… What do I do now?” 

“Think of when you’re pleasuring yourself, or what you want someone to do to you, or if you’re not the type to figure stuff out, I can just tell you what I like right n- oh fuck!” I suddenly gasp, her tongue licking over my click, the surprising sensation sending shivers through my body. I grab the sheets, trying to control my legs, forcing them apart so as to not squish her head. 

“Mhm, does it feel good?” she whispers, her breath sending hot small vibrations on me, making me bulk my hips to her for more. 

“Y-Yes, please keep going” I plead, already feeling myself get breathless, pulse in the hundreds as my chest goes up and down rapidly. She continues, fingers making their way to my folds, stroking the lips. 

“Do you want me to?” 

“Yes, Jessica” I manage to whimper out, my voice weak and muttered. The sound alone makes her confidence rise, feeling her lips smirk against me. She continues, beginning to such my clit, causing a wave of moans to leave my throat. She pushes two of her thin fingers inside me, going as deep as she can, still stimulating my nerves with her mouth. My back arch, head being thrown back on the sheets as I try to contain my volume, afraid the others will hear. 

She pulls out her fingers, using the time to experiment with her mouth, sticking her tongue inside me, eating me out while rubbing my throbbing area. I can’t help the whimpers that escape me, each of her touches contributing to the tension-filled knot in my stomach. My core builds up, getting hotter as my mind fries, everything becoming blurry. 

“Am I doing good?” she asks, stopping for a bliss moment before continuing. I try to muster out words, as if the sounds coming out of me isn’t a big indication of the answer. 

“Y-you’re doing so well, y-yes” 

She keeps up her rhythm, several types of stimulations as I draw near the edge, legs shaking around her as she rests one of her hands on my stomach. I finish all over her, immense pleasure shooting through my body as I relax, letting her help me ride it out. She pushes herself up, laying down beside me, licking her fingers dry before making them walk up my stomach and chest. 

“So, how was it?” 

“Do I need to answer?” I ask, breathless while still being a bit brain-fucked. 

“Mhm, you do” 

“I-I, fuck, I did not expect you to make me come the first time” 

“I guess I’m a quick learner” she smiles, leaning over me and capturing my lips in hers.

[iama1ice]

small gestures of love

승철 - s.coups

although i never said it, seungcheol knows i really like his dog, kkuma. so each time he walks her, he offers me to come with him. we spend time together, most often in silence, while we melt at kkuma's cutness. he jockingly forces me to pose for his pictures, but i know that it's just that he enjoys taking pictures of him.

정한 - jeonghan

it is often seen in gose episodes, but it also happens off-cameras : living in dorms with thirteen energetic men, i get tired quite soon in the evening. each time i start getting sleepy, jeonghan notices my shift in behaviour and he stays with me a bit away from the others, and eventually takes me to my bedroom before kissing my forehead as i falll asleep.

지수 - joshua

joshua is very well known for having crafty hobbies, especially making bracelets. each time he takes out his box of beads, i can be sure to end up with another bracelet to my collection. sometimes it'll be a matching one with him, other times, it'll just be a random design that he thought i would like (which i always do). i have tons of them now and he always has that (◠‿◠) smile when i wear one of them.

준휘 - jun

i don't always remember to eat. being busy with my job, hobbies, wanting to get better at a lot of things, eating doesn't always comes to my mind or i tell myself that i'll eat later. despite reassuring the members about that, jun always comes to me with bags of food, and doesn't go away until we eat together. he always make me discover new food, that i end up like it pretty much every time.

순영 - hoshi

hoshi is very well known for being precise and strict during dance practice. he goes from being friendly to cold and perfectionist. as a girl, some moves require more efforts for me than the others and it sometimes takes me more time to get the parts right. despite that, hoshi is always kind and caring, showing as many times as needed the moves, without caring about me slowing the practice.

원우 - wonwoo

wonwoo is a gamer and so am i. we play totally different kinds of games, and our taste doesn't always match. however, i still find him looking for multi-player games, that i could like. when he finds one, he tells me about it and buys or downloads it right after. we have a special night in the week when, wherever we are, we play a game together.

지훈 - woozi

as the main producers of seventeen, we spend a lot of time in the studios together, especially late at night. the studio sessions rarely end before 3 a.m or later. while woozi is doing some arangements on the songs, i drift off and fall asleep. although i clearly remember falling asleep on a desk chair, i wake up half an hour later on the couch of woozi's studio, with his jacket on me as a blanket.

reminder : this is shifting content, nothing mentioned above is to be applied here; i also haven't fully shifted to that dr yet, these are only things i've scripted or thought off

[halliescomut]

Our Youth Final Thoughts

Important edit added March, 5, 2025: It was reported (or at least I found out about it today) that the actor who portrayed Haruki in this show, was accused and arrested by Hong Kong police for SAing a translator after a fan event. It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway, that is absolutely reprehensible behavior, and I hope his victim is able to get justice. If this knowledge affects your desire to watch this show, that's understandable and very fair. Shows like this are the unified works of dozens of creatives, and they do deserve to have their work appreciated, and things like this happening create even more barriers to queer stories being able to be told. I put this in simply because I don't want anyone walking into this story, identifying with this character, and the. Finding out later and being disheartened and disappointed, as I was.

I don't actually think I've posted much about Our Youth on here, but I finished the series over the weekend and wanted to talk about my overall thoughts.

There's so much I loved about the show. It's the first show in quite a while that I actively felt excited to watch every week. It's a trope that I'm often a fan of the 'bad boy with a heart of gold' and the 'nerd'. I did describe the show to a friend as 'what if Bender and Brian from the Breakfast Club ended up together?' which isn't the most inaccurate tagline, but is certainly not the most contemporary.

There's so much to talk about. I'll start by saying that one of the things that I really appreciated, that spoke to me about the series is how integral queer media is to the story of the characters. Haruki seeing and finding comfort in a queer film, this film being one of the sources of strength he has as he survives the abuse of his father, and eventually opens a door for him to become a filmmaker and tell his own stories is beautiful. It so clearly showcases how queer media is life-changing and life-saving for many queer youth.

There's also this element of telling your own story. We see that directly with Haruki's films, but it's also present in Jin's writing. I think one of the most heartbreaking things we see there is that Jin's story is never 'public', we don't see Jin take a chance there. But there is value in him finding the courage to give Haruki a chance to read his work. Sometimes there's victory in trusting just one or a few people, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Another theme or topic brought up in the series, particularly in the finale, is marriage equality. I've been taking in a lot more Japanese BLs this last year than I really have Thai BLs or Korean BLs, Taiwanese, etc., and I've seen this brought up more than previously. It's not always as direct as here, but it's there. Seeing over the last 2-3 years marriage equality brought to the forefront in Thai BLs, and now in a matter of days we'll see the new marriage equality law go into effect there, that it kind of gives me hope. I know the societal pressures are different there, and in a lot of ways it's a don't ask, don't tell situation, but consistently bring up the topic, normalizing queer love, both in queer media and in mainstream media, helps to create a path for that progress.

Another aspect I think is well done, though not perfect, is how the time jumps are handled with-in the story. By my figuring the story spans a bit more than a decade, and when creating, and specifically casting that, it can be hard not to create something where you feel like it's teens playing dress up as their father's by the end, or adults acting unconvincingly as children in the beginning, but there's a good balance here, at least with Jin and Haruki. I think part of the stems from the actors ages, Jin's being only 20, and Haruki's 25. that age difference allows Jin to look HS age, and him being believable as young lends credibility to Haruki. It's also almost a visual shorthand for Haruki to look older while they're in HS because he basically had to 'grow up' quickly, leave his childhood behind because of the abuse of his father. Once they move into the university years, they're basically the age of university students, no suspension of disbelief needed, and then in the final episode with that flash forward, it's not unbelievable to think they'd look somewhat the same. Contentment and happiness will hold off a lot on the aging process.

So to move beyond these kind of larger, more impactful concepts, lets get in close and talk some about Haruki and Jin as characters and a couple. The story kind of sets them up to be opposites, but they're more of a mirror of each other than anything. Both suffer from the neglect of their parents, distanced both physically and emotionally, and it's pretty draining for both of them. I think it sets them up to almost recognize each other in a way. Once they both take those small steps to open up to each other, we see the way they treat each other with so much care. There's moments where both are a bit rough around the edges, especially in the first handful of episodes, where they kind of let their emotions overwhelm them, but in most of their interactions, even starting in that first episode, they're so gentle with each other. I really started to pay attention to body language and how characters interact with each other after my no subs watches of Taikan Yoho, and it was to a level here that it was really noticeable or noteworthy.

That gentleness from both of them, that willingness to reach out, even when they're still so young and unsure, shows so much care. These are two boys (in the beginning) that don't feel loved, much less truly valued. The way the treat each other shows that they value the other. They value their thoughts, their feelings, and even the others' future, to the detriment of their own emotional wellbeing. That's a really hefty gift to give someone, and I think they only really feel comfortable doing so because it's reciprocated, even from the very start.

Taking them separately, we'll start with Jin. Jin is easy, he makes himself easy, he doesn't cause a fuss or an uproar, he just exists quietly. Which when you look deeper, when you take the time to look, to see, you see this incredible loneliness in him. What makes it frustrating as a viewer, is we see him having active discussions with teachers, there's opportunities there for people to recognize what's going on there, but the unfortunate thing is that obedient children are kind of overlooked. And Jin often overlooks himself. He's not necessarily shown to have ambitions on the same level as Haruki, but it reads to me more than he's not really allowed himself to really think about his dreams. He's lived his whole life with this understanding of what the expectations are, and so why would he ever seriously considered something outside of that. It lends the finale it's own bittersweetness, because we see Jin choose Haruki, to decide to take that leap, and while he may not be doing it as boldly, but in his own sort of mild, unassuming way, it's still Jin putting his desires first, and that's a triumph on it's own.

To talk about Haruki, Haruki is heartbreaking. Specifically because the way the narrative is presented, we don't know the full story until we're half-way through and already half-way in love with him. We see him through Jin's eyes in the beginning, beautiful, mysterious, almost unfathomable, and as those first few episode pass we start to see a little bit more. The shift in episode 5, now seeing in the story from Haruki's perspective is a rude awakening in many ways. It wasn't that we didn't have empathy for him before, we certainly did, but seeing so blatantly what he was dealing with hits hard. And it wasn't just about the physical abuse he had been dealing with, which is horrific on it's own, but the way Haruki was so close to giving up. The scene I can't get out of my mind is him saying "Whenever he beat me, I decided I wanted to die." That lack of desire to fight to survive shows how much everything had been wearing on him for so long. When he starts to know Jin, when he starts seeing that a future is possible, we see that fight start building up in him, and it's a relief to see. I found myself after episode 7 feeling so frustrated with him because we we had basically watched him be used and abused by his father OR sacrificing for others. We see him having made the choice to not reveal what he's dealing with to his mother, he decides to take the fall and get suspended from school, with the assumption being that he feels that Jin will be better off without him. He doesn't want Jin to choose to stay instead of studying abroad, because he knows Jin has a bright future and he doesn't want to affect that. But for myself, with the perspective of age, I know that there's hope, that Haruki has a future. So I was very in my feels after all of that.

After our time jump into university seeing Haruki now actively pursuing his dream is a relief, with its own counterpoint of sadness as we are seeing Jin pursue a degree he has no passion for. It's all part of what makes this story so affecting, I think. Life is not all hope and rainbows, but it's also not all loneliness and pain. And there's a realism in choosing a future that's steady instead of taking a chance, the same way there's realism in pursuing a dream that seemed unreachable, knowing that there is a safety-net for you if things don't work out.

To talk a bit about what I didn't like- their parents. All of them sucked. Yes, arguably Haruki's dad was by far the worst, being a raging alcoholic who was physically abusive to his son for likely at least a couple years if not more. But even Haruki's mother doesn't get much sympathy from me, though we do see that Haruki holds no grudge for her (because of his fucking self-sacrificing bullshit). Jin's parents, I almost have no words for. There's an acute lack of interest from both, but we'll talk about dad first since I have less to say about him. It surprises me that Jin's dad is as emotionally distant as he is. We see that Jin has a great deal of respect for his dad, he appreciates and has an interest in his work, but his dad never thinks to build on that. I just find it odd. As far as Jin's mother, she's physically a bit more present, though I feel if you asked her flat out if she loved her son she might have to stop and think about it. He's basically a to-do list in her calendar, something that needs to be checked on and checked off, and I wonder how bad it was before the start of the shows timeline. It's not good that a teenaged Jin is being left for weeks at a time on his own, but when did they start doing that? It's a common trope for young Japanese children to be self-sufficient, and it's so open ended that my mind can't help but picture 8, 9, 10 year old Jin being left for days. But he's good, and obedient, and that's just life, so he goes on, and how heartbreaking is that?!? And I'll be honest, I was genuinely surprised to see her texting Jin in the final episode when we've flashed forward. When it feels like neither of them actively work to keep that bond intact, how was it still there? I suppose the answer is duty.

The emotional and physical trauma both Haruki and Jin deal with, I also didn't love--because it made me an absolute emotional wreck. I have some mixed feelings over how some things were handled, or specifically how most things were not at all handled. The resolution for a lot of the issues that we see is no resolution. Yes, we see that the emotional connection forged between Haruki and Jin is a beacon for both, enabling them to weather their individual storms, once that concept is established, it kind of drops off to nowhere. It's not even that it's built upon to the point where they both become self-sufficient or confident in themselves, it just is there, then in ep 7 (I think) they just go their separate ways and we're never shown that they're still affecting each others lives. We're shown that they're still in love with each other, that the other is still in their thoughts, but not how their experiences helped to shape them directly. It's worse with Haruki's father's death. It's an INSANELY traumatizing event, and it's almost treated like "well now he can't beat him any more and he can go live with his mom and everything is fine", and like...WHAT? Setting aside for a short moment the fact that being the one present at the loss of a parent even an abusive one, is gonna be traumatic, there's so much emotional distress and grief that comes from losing an abusive parent, especially as a child. Because it's not just grief of the person, it's grief of the unknown. Could there have been a future where his dad got sober and they had a happy life? A time where his dad became what he had been before? A revisit of that loving father? So you're also working through that loss also, and that's really not even a blip of a thought it feels like.

My final thought is something I didn't like, because it made me sad, but also still makes sense within the narrative, and that's the fact that we never see Jin or Haruki come out. I know we get tired of coming out stories, and I didn't need a dedicated scene or episode showing either coming out, but in the final episode where we see the friend group come back together we're shown in no uncertain terms that they are not out to them, & even more that their friends don't know they're dating each other. And I think that sucks. I think it's reasonable and understandable that either might not be out to their parents (though fr your dad makes gay movies Jin--so why not?) or to coworkers and acquaintances, but to have friends you've seen and known for more than a decade and you're still afraid? That's so sad.

Overall, the word I might use to describe this love story is unassuming. It's not necessarily bold, but steady, which is something both characters need. They went through their teen years with different versions of upheaval and loneliness, and in the end they have each other, they have work that supports them, and they feel like they have a future, and that's something I think their teenage selves could have never even imagined.

Thanks for reading.

*Also, I pulled some pics/stills whatever from @colourme-feral who has an excellent series offering more context to the subtitle translations. Absolutely amazing, and I definitely recommend checking them out if you haven't.

Link: https://www.tumblr.com/colourme-feral/search/miseinen%20translation/original

[wayfayrr]

Hey there, I wondered if Tears ever gets insecure about his arm, scars or possibly even his height. Like I find his height absolutely perfect and adorable but he is smaller than most other people and it might bother him?

So I've been wondering how he acts when insecure and what would be a good way to comfort him. I would just hold him and try to convince him of all the good qualities he has. As well as petting through his hair. Making him feel loved and secure. And honestly an extraordinary arm isn't that bad, it doesn't affect who he is after all.

I wonder if that would help or he'd need some other form of comfort. Or maybe to be left alone. Anything from an answer to hc's to a short story or even deletion is fine! If you even have time and are willing that is!

Have a great day! <3

I absolutely loved this request, thank you so much for it - I've gone with three different possible scenarios for why he could be dealing with feeling insecure and some headcanons for how you could help him feel better about himself after each one <3 There is one major one I left out but the issue regarding his memories will definitely be explored some time soon!

honestly exploring tears is just so fun, it's nice tearing into his different layers :3c headcanons under the cut!

[masterlist]

due to his prosthetic 

✦ This is the easiest of his insecurities to deal with, as it only really tends to show itself when his phantom pains act up. 

✦ he’s long used to having lost his arm by the point that you meet, having had to figure out a replacement for when Rauru’s arm faded after his second quest was over.

✦ despite that though he still isn’t used to the ricocheting pain he gets once every so often, less now than when he was first still drowned in gloom but still just as debilitating. 

✦ He just needs to taken away from other people and shown affection, reassured that his is a benefit rather than something people only pity him for. 

✦ it’s all he really needs in those moments of vulnerability, when he can feel the flesh being shredded from his none existent bone. 

“Wouldn't it be better if there was some way to just have my arm go back to how it should be? That way I wouldn’t be such a burden when he decides to haunt me again.” “Sherbert whatever do you mean? You aren’t a burden for this, why even consider it?” “The whole group has had to come to a stop just because of this stupid pain and I know you’ve seen time getting pissed off with me for the things I can do with it.” “Time’s just an old man who’s worried about your safety, he means no harm with it. Wars got the rest to come to a stop for the same reason, not because you’re a burden, but because we care for you.” “But If my arm wasn’-” “Your arm is part of who you are. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, I love you for you Li, don’t even waste your energy thinking otherwise.”

✦ another way to help him through these patches is more to do with also indulging his love for learning about your home, or well more to the point - stickers. Giving him ones with meaning and that he thinks are pretty help him to work his confidence back. Because it wouldn't be possible without his arm!

due to his height 

✦ This comes out even rarer than his doubts about his arm, and only due to a very specific scenario and that’s if you’re talking about Earth's beauty standards - how taller people are often seen as more attractive.

✦ If you aren’t quick to say otherwise he’s going to assume that’s what you think too, it’s going to do a real number on his self esteem - because the thing is, he never really cares about what other people think about him, it simply doesn’t even register as something he should be worried about before he met you outside of the memory issue but that’s a whole other thing 

✦ this is the first time that something that REALLY has never been an issue for him becomes a big problem, if you aren’t aware of why he’s feeling like this then the sudden shift will come as a surprise. As he starts to avoid you and tear up whenever you see him before leaving. The rest of the chain mention that they’ve seen him tinkering with things but no one has seen exactly what it is.  

✦ the reason it came up was possibly from another member of the chains jealousy of how close the two of you were before this, or simply another villager trying to get you to go with them ‘because why wouldn’ t you want a tall handsome guy? 

✦ the sooner you can catch on and comfort him the better, as it’ll give it less time to get stuck in his head that you aren’t comforting him because it’s true, and it’s harder to tell himself that it isn’t while you’re pretty much confirming it

✦ but when you finally do get through to him that you don’t care about his height? That you aren’t secretly judging him for being so short? He’ll have a little moment where he breaks down, he’s been avoiding you for so long… and for what? All that time with you he’s missed over such a ridiculous reason will haunt him for at least a few days. 

“Tears? Link what are you doing? You’ve been avoiding me for nearly a week now. And - are those?” “I, no I haven’t been ‘avoiding’ you, just, I’ve just been busy… yeah.” “Were you just making those stilts this whole time? Is that why you’ve blanked me, seriously?” “I just - I, that - in the village.” “Hey, hey lilac there’s no need to cry love, I’m not angry, I’ve just missed you. You don’t have to tell me why, it’s just worried me.” “It - that guy, what he said - I just, wouldn’t you prefer someone taller?” “Well someone taller wouldn’t be you love. And I couldn’t even imagine being with someone else.” “R-really?” “Really darling.”

✦ he'll be impossibly clingy and almost showy after the fact, to the point where other people start getting concerned about how close he's getting - but it's not like he's hurt anyone else over it yet but if the villager who planted the idea in his head ever appears again then, well who would blame him..?

due to his sexuality (haha demiromantic asexual tears hc stepping innn)

✦ This is a bit more of a unique one, because it isn’t something he’s had to put all that much thought into before, it’s just never come up, but when he hears how some of the others talk about relationships he starts to have doubts about himself. 

✦ He simply doesn’t feel things that the others have described and the things that he has felt happened so much slower than how they said it did for them. He simply can’t help but question if there was- is something wrong with him. 

✦ He only started to fall when he was good friends with you, not the instant connection that he heard that time had with malon, or twi with midna. He doesn’t want you the person who he loves more than his own life to be with someone who he’s starting to think as so broken. If he can’t feel love ‘right’ then how could he hope to treat you right? 

✦ If he learns about this being normal, about the fact that other people share the same things as him, that he has flags that can use to show off his identity? It’s the biggest relief that he’s felt since meeting someone who treated him like a person. 

✦ once he’s gotten it through his head that he’s not broken, and that he doesn’t need to be worried about not being enough for you. You accept him for what he is and aren’t trying to make him change. It’s something he very very rarely gets to experience, and it definitely helps him feel even closer to you in the end 

✦ some of the biggest comfort he gets is you just accepting him and letting his feelings progress at his natural rate, it’s one of the best things he could have hoped for.