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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 5 years ago

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“Just a Few Days”

Summary- Bucky x Y/N. Bucky hadnt been home for long, but is sent back out on a mission. You and him decide on how to spend his time home once he gets back. Written for @the--sad--hatter The Weird and The Wonderful- writing challenge. Congrats babes on your milestone! Prompt is written in bold. Smut. Written in the same verse as Changes

Word Count- 3.1k

“You really think you can pin me Barnes?” You taunted the super soldier while the two of you circled the mat, giving him a taunting grin. His movements were almost cat like, slinking along on pads of his bare feet, his hands flexed in a relaxed manner at his side. He knew, you werent easy to catch. Flexible and quick as you were, this morning in the early hours of dawn you managed to pin him easily in the bed. Kisses raining down from your sweet lips to travel down his body as you wrapped your hands around his erection. You had smirked at him then in a similar way you were now.

His sweat pants hid the tensing of muscles, preparing his move. “As long as I stay away from that pretty mouth of yours I can.” You smirk, recalling the blow job you given this morning. Bucky could see you were distracted at his words and he reached for a grasp. Your hand coming up to block his hold and jab out with one of your own, twisting around to his back, you scramble onto his shoulders, a move Nat so nicely shared with you, his head clasped between your thighs, you throw your weight forward, the two of you falling forward. You promptly slap the ground with your arms, and move into a roll. Bucky, prepared for it rolled as well and landed back on his feet to your back.

“You had no problem with my mouth this morning” You huff out and still in the midst of sparring, he wraps his arm around your neck and slams you back to his chest, chuckling near your ear. “I would say my biggest weakness Doll. And check” Hes taunting you again, knowing you always hesitated attacking him. This is your chance to escape or relent the match to him, and you fall back to the age old tried and true. Your foot slamming down in the instep of his leg, and elbow sharply jarring back into his abdomen.

An oof backed him up, and you spun around to see Bucky grinning at you and rubbing where your elbow clipped him. “Damn good Y/N, I was hoping you would break loose.” You blush at the compliment, and move over to him, placing your hand where you got him. “Im sorry, I know you say to attack fully, but I still feel guilty about it.Doesnt hurt right?” Silly question you know, but still....

“I know you do Doll, and no. More of a surprise then anything, ive had worst.” His arm slung over your shoulder and he kissed your forehead just as Sam entered the ring, carrying a tablet with him. You get a sinking feeling, you know what it means.

“You two call that foreplay? take it to your room.” Sam joked and Bucky muttered a “shut up Wilson, what you got?”

“Listen I know you just got back, but this is an in and out case, and Steve figured you would want in on this one.” You glance over the details, a hydra base, an old one. From the notes it claimed Bucky might have been associated with its operation back in the day and might still be in semi activity now. Your hand rubs against his back when you feel him stiffen at your side, knowing he just saw the same information you had. “How long will we be gone?” you noted a hint of weariness in his voice, hesitation.

“Couple days, few at best. Were gonna be headed out in an hour.”

Of course they were.

Little later, you and Bucky are getting ready for your goodbyes, so soon, you hated it since he had just gotten back. “Hey Doll, just a couple days. When I get back, Im taking a few weeks, screw ‘em all. Me and you will get out of here. Wherever we want to go.” Bucky did his best to bring a smile back to your face.

You brighten much to his relief at the suggestion, nodding” I would really like that.” a mischievous glint shines in your eyes and you lower your voice in a tease as you glance over his shoulder to where Steve is getting on the jet. “Can we just go on the road without telling anyone and call Steve to tell him were MIA for a while?”

Bucky laughs and nods, tilting your chin up to place a teasing deep kiss goodbye on it. “We can although Steve rather likes rebellion. You might get a better reaction out of Tony. I will see you in a few days doll, I love you.”

“Love you to Sargent, I will see you when you come home.”

He turned to walk away, a glance over his shoulder showed you flashing him a smile and a little wave, the lights behind you shimmering around your form in a silhouette. It would be one of the moments he would think back on later. Sam said its just a couple days.

Turns out Sam is a god damn liar.

What was one base turned into following leads to others still functioning. Flushing them out, chasing another lead, it had been weeks at this point, and to say Bucky wasnt kicking himself for jumping back into it all so soon would be an understatement. At about the third week mark, he had enough of being around the rest of the team on the jet, and set out to camp in the run down base. Setting up his site, he was soon joined by Steve and Sam.

“I dont remember giving yall permission to take up in my space.” Bucky growled, kicking open his sleeping mat, and wishing sorely that it was your bed, with your soft words filling his mind and warm body wrapped around his. Not these two fuckers who thought that this was home as they made themselves all cozy as fuck. Yea, he was in a bad mood. “And you said this was just gonna be for a couple days.” he growled slightly at Sam, who was unaffected by Buckys mood.

“You know how these things go Buck.” Steve said from where he was patching his suit, his large fingers nimble as he threaded the needle and dragged his suit in his lap. “But it will just be a few more days I think. Have you called Y/N today?” HIs friend never looked up from his mending and Bucky went from pissed off to resigned, digging into his gear to find the stark phone Tony gave all of you. “No... but I am.”

Leaving the two of them behind, he stepped out into the night, glancing at the time. It would be mid afternoon for you, you would be busy training recruits with Barton and Romanoff, or in the field, unlike him though, closer to home. How he wished he was there now, he missed you terribly. Regardless, he would leave you a voice message, knowing that it would cheer you up.

“Hey Doll, I miss you like fucking crazy babygirl. I hope things are better at home then here. I cant go into much details, but they basically just have us chasing leads. Steve did say just a few more days...” He snorted a bit, and brushed his hand through his hair in frustration. “Anyways, be sure to have your bag packed, cause the minute I land, were leaving. Well, maybe two. I mean a man has needs after all, and I have missed your sweet lips of yours. Those killer thighs wrapped around me to. Okay... Love you always Beautiful.” Hanging up, he sighed and tilted his head up to look at the full silver moon, making him think of you once more. You loved those aesthetic pictures, the way the stars shimmered around the giant orb, it made him recall looking back at you waving goodbye. Your braid laying over your shoulder and you kept that upbeat look on your face, the lights, they shimmered around you and it made his chest ache for you all over again. Lifting his phone, he snapped a picture.

Over the next week, his message and the picture was what you fell back to, making you smile when you found yourself missing him. Often during the busy meetings where you were busy helping set up recruit schedules, moments training when you wondered what move would he be using on the person in the ring, to lonely nights fading into mornings, where you laid there, trying to find sleep and missing his heavy body enveloping yours in that protective hold of his. This particular night, you were laying in a half slumber when you heard it. The front door click, and then Buckys rough voice remarking on the softer side in case you were sleeping.

“Son of a bitch keys and this dumb ass lock always sticking.”

You hear his voice and grab his henley you discarded on the floor to yank on and race down the hallway to your front room, he dropped his bag on the floor and held open his arms to you that left you giving a squeal of excitement, jumping into his arms. “You bastard I missed you!” you rush your words, wrapping your arm around his neck and kissing him fiercely.

“I couldnt tell” He growled as his hands slid along your bare ass, and squeezed firmly, arching his brows at your naked behind. You grin and nip at his lips, rolling your hips against him in a tease. “I knew you were coming home.”

“Uh huh, sure you did. Its hot your just wearing my shirt. But I want that off in two fucking seconds while you get that cute little ass of yours back to the bedroom.” Releasing you, you fall to the balls of your feet, sprinting back towards the bedroom while discarding the henley, hopping on the bed. Bucky sauntered to the room, shedding clothing as he went along,kicking off boots, yanking off a shirt, ripping pants off his legs. When he entered the bedroom, there you were, kneeling so pretty in the center of the bed, biting the tip of your finger as you watched him, while palming your breasts, teasing yourself just for him. He lastly yanked off his boxers and sure enough, he was aching to have you pinned underneath him, you could tell from the way his erection throbbed.

You beckoned him forward, not that he needed any encouraging as he hovered over you and pushed you back, hard kisses swelling your lips, tongue claiming your mouth and moans he ripped from you. Oh yes, this is what you been missing, his hand tight at your waist as it slid you back to stretch beneath him. Your hands wrapped around his sides to dig into his back and legs bending to grasp his waist between your knees. “You miss me sweet girl?” He asked between nips and kisses down your neck, slipping his hand between your thighs to slip through your slick, and find that sweet little trigger that as soon as he circled around it had you wriggling. It made you want more, and to chase a rush.

“As much as you missed me Sargent” You whine out, rolling your hips up to press into his erection, rocking back and forth against him. His eyes glowered almost dangerously at you, his pupils blown in his arousal, and then his fingers turned a little harder, a little quicker, just to make you tense and wriggle underneath him all pretty like you were. “Your right Doll I have missed you, missed feeling you clutch around me because your so fucking needy for my cock.” He fingers stretched your wet channel, and you cried out his name in a breathless moan, nodding in agreement. “Yes Bucky, fuck yes please. Fuck me... “

He bit on her shoulder in a bruising kiss, and shifted himself to better line up to you.”Since your looking pretty here asking me...” Grasping himself, he slicked his cock between your folds, pressing against your entrance to feel you stretch around him, both of you moaning at the sensation, mouths opened against one another, not in a kiss, but gasps shared. Your nails are driving Bucky wild as they dig almost painfully into his back just to feel you holding on. Shifting your legs to fold over him, you tighten him to sink in further, bottom himself fully in you. “Fuck Doll... this is a perfect home coming.”

You hum underneath him in agreement, pressing your face now into his shoulder and his first thrust to claim you made you whimper his name in that needy way, that urged him to continue, rolling hips to touch you everywhere and you rolled back to meet him. Bucky pulled away enough to ease you away from his shoulder and chained kisses down your collarbone and plumped a breast so that he could claim a nipple that was a tight little bud, the warmth moisture of his mouth making you arch into his mouth, sucking in more and pulling the sensitive skin from his mouth. He was marking you across your breasts, and you were sure at your neck when he claimed that flesh again, tipping your head back into the pillow to give him more room.

“Make sure everyone can see Im yours Sargent.” You pant out, knowing that everyone would see his kisses all over your skin, and what kind of homecoming it was. Shameless you were, letting everyone know that Bucky owned you. His growl vibrated through you, making you giggle softly and then gasp when his next thrust hit you just right, and he lifted his head, eyes shining bright to see your ruined face, jaw popped open, your eyes squeezed shut and crying out when he did it again. Once he felt you start to unravel, he never slowed aiming for that spot, that sweetness that left you crying his name over and over, clutching him as if there was nothing else you were capable of. Just ride it all out.

Bucky grasped your jaw and gave a light shake,to make you look at him. “Your eyes open, I want to see you cum for me.” Your lids flutter open further to try and follow his request, eyes rolling up as you start flexing harder around him. “Thats right Doll, dont keep holding back.” He groaned, licking over your lips, sucking your bottom lip and tangle his tongue around yours. Pining your hips in place to give hard quick thrusts, chasing the start of your orgasm with his own, and your bodies slammed together to rock, you were soft, and he was hard, the two of them folding together in a tangle of limbs. Bucky rolled you two over so you clutched to his chest, milking his cock for everything, and hiding your face in his shoulder, shaking. He jerked a few more slow pumps into you while riding out his own and his hands loosened there hold on your hips, sliding up your side with one hand and down to cup your ass, and keep you pressed in close.

His touch was soothing for you, and you hummed against his shoulder, lifting away enough to look down at him, kissing his lips softly with a grin. “Ahhh, well that was nice. So when you headed out on your next mission?” You teased and he growled, flipping the two of you back over, his kiss less urgent and fierce, this time it was teasing while he dragged down your body. “Your my next mission.”

You were his next mission, several more times that night until early morning.

You happened to waken first, and lifted your head to see his head tipped back and soft snores showed just how tired he was, so you were gentle to shift to the edge of the bed, preparing to get up and make coffee when his arm snaked out, catching you around your hips, sliding you back. Bucky had shifted down enough in bed to nuzzle his head in the softness of your chest, your fingers easing to brush through his hair, and watch him. “Im just going to make us some coffee Sarge.” and he inhaled deeply against your skin, finally lifting his head. “Just a few more minutes here, then I will let you go.”

You werent going to say no to that, and you remained where you were, gentle still as your fingers kept sliding through his hair, spiking it further from the bed head he already had. Finally he shifted into a sit, and went to the bathroom, groaning as he rubbed his face on the way there. Taking that as your cue, you rolled up out of bed to go make that coffee, putting on his shirt once more and a pair of sleep bottoms. Picking up the clothing he had lost through the front room and hallway on your way to the kitchen.You then ditch the pile on the couch, making your way towards the coffee pot, humming happily to yourself.

He finished and put on clean boxers before going to find his clothes from the night before, digging out his phone to check messages. “Hey you are all set to head out later right Doll?” He called as he wandered towards the kitchen where you were nowhere to be found. Looking around, he saw that the back door was halpf open, figuring you went for the fresh air, he stepped out to see you leaning against the railing, watching the sun ease up through the line of pine trees that edged the compound. Bucky went up behind you, and wrapped his arms around you from behind, resting his chin against your shoulder watching as well.

“The world seemed to shimmer at the edges.” You lean back into his chest lightly. “Just as the sun came up, its been a while since ive seen that.” Your head tips up and kisses the side of Buckys face, and his hands rub along your hips, tipping to return the gesture, rubbing his chin against your neck and shoulder. It had been a while, but you were his world, and for him, you were always that shimmering outline waving him back home.

“You said something about heading out Buck?”

“Yea Doll.” He smiled happily “Later today, were sneaking out and hitting the road.”

“Lets just go get that coffee, shower, and Im all set to go.”

Sure enough later that day, your leaning against Buckys shoulder and holding up your phone, snapping a picture of you and Bucky, your hair hair whipping around from the open windows, both of you wearing sunglassws with open road showing in the in the background. You sent it to Steve who responded back with a simple text. ‘Dont do anything I wouldnt do you two.’

Telling Bucky, he grinned and put his foot down harder on the gas pedal, putting miles between them and responsibilities.

@p8tn0lish @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @that-damn-girl @jtargaryen18 @stardancerluv

#fluffybucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #marvel #soft and fluffy #writing challenge #ambers writing #sweater writes #sebastian stan #sam wilson #steve rogers #smut #bucky smut #soft smut

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pbandjesse · 4 years ago

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Another night where I am very nauseous for seemingly no reason. I havent been having a good time but I am really hoping that I can actually sleep tonight because last night was not fun.

I was up until about 3 this morning. I watched some really sad videos about children's ICU and palliative care and I couldnt sleep and just kept watching. I got up and did dishes. But I couldnt sleep. I just felt terrible. My allergies were bothering me. I couldnt get comfortable. I basically passed out at 3 but it wasnt even good sleep. It sucks.

I woke up at 1030 and I hate waking up that late. James says he could tell I didnt sleep good and thats why he didt wake me up earlier. And he was probably right but I still dont like it.

Today was weird though. I just felt dizzy from being tired. And that wasnt fun. James made me a sandwich and I got a shower. I felt cute at least. Eating helped with the dizzy feeling but it was still hard to shake it off.

We sat and talked for a while. I watched him play video games. Eventually I would play too. But I didnt feel good.

Around lunch time James wanted to try his stationary bike set up for an hour. And I wanted to lay down and watch a video. I asked for egg salad and so he made hard boiled eggs for me and they came out really good. But I wouldnt eat until later.

I apparently fell asleep. I dont remember when that happened. I woke up at 130 and felt a little better. More like a person. I showed James how I make egg salad. Its pretty easy but he doesnt really eat eggs so he had never done it before.

We had a good laugh when I stopped and stared at the bread and exclaimed it looked like a hair chest. James like burst out laughing. He said it was funnier because I picked up the bread and turned it over before declaring it. And it was a good sandwich.

I went and played animal crossing for a little. James sat with me until he left for work. And then I had to try to shake off my weird day.

I needed to get out of here. I didnt want to make anything today. I hurt my wrist last night and I was just not feeling it today. I did go through some of my clothes to possibly sell but beyond that I just needed to not be here.

I decided it was a thrift store day. And I drove all the way out to savers but then I didnt want to be there. To many people. I drove to a differnt store and had a little better luck. It was a goodwill thats in a weird place behind a shopping center. I had good luck there and got some awesome camping clippers. Like they will be good for camping. And I got a shirt dress and a scarf. I might use that for fabric but I havnt decided yet.

I went to taco bell next. I had something weird happen with the car when I turned it off and back on when I remebered you have to go through the drive through but I figured it out and got my food and ate in the parking lot and it was good.

I got a little turned around when I left. I thought I knew where I was going but I went like 10 minutes down the road in the wrong direction. And then the gps had me go way way down the road. It was weird. But I found the next goodwill and its not a great one for volume, but its where I got my fluffy sweatshirt last time. And this time was no different. Didnt find anything good and then bam! A poster of monsters and cryptids! It was rolled up and I saw the art and was like oh neat animals. But no! Monsters! I was so pumped. Its such a good poster. I dont exactly know where Im going to hang it but maybe in my studio. Well see.

I needed to stop for some groceries. And lucky me there was a grocery store across the street. I am dumb and forgot bread. And almost knocked 3 containers of eggs off the shelf because it was on an angle but I caught them!! And then I headed home.

When I got home I had to park on the main street but it was fine. I ripped my grocery bag and almost dropped the eggs again. Switched to a reusable bag. And headed inside.

I have been spending tonight chilling. I visited some dream island on animal crossing. I did a little organizing. I feel like its midnight but its only 845. I really hope I can sleep tonight. I have a training in the morning and I am looking forward to it even if its a zoom meeting and I hate those. But it will be good. I hope.

I hope the rest of the day is good too. For all of us. Sleep well my friends. Goodnight.

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softboywriting · 7 years ago

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Y’all need to know something that’s going on with me right now. I’m making this post in your best interest because I feel like it’s important that other writers and bloggers who follow me should know. If you follow or contact the user ironfurycollector, they are not an honest person and faked their own death to me.

Okay so I started talking to her in September and it was great. both Shawn fans and she loved my fics. we exchanged a few pics, and we talked about our lives a little bit from time to time. but i started to wonder why she never posted anything on her blog, only liked everything. no big deal. some people just dont reblog a lot.

then there was some outtake pics she bought that she was gonna email to me and when she sent them they were from her ‘brother’s email. she said something about hers being hacked a while back. now the question is, why not just make a new one? it takes ten seconds. (this email fiasco can be backed up by another trusted friend, more to come on this.)

it was a red flag but i ignored it and moved on. we talked more and more about shawn and my fics. (side note: some time in December she sent me a pic that her friend recently took but she was in a hoodie and a puffy coat, it’s dead ass summer in AUS rn. NOT coat weather. i mentioned this in the chat but she just moved on to another topic) but then i started getting really suspicious after she entered this relationship with her brother’s best friend. see, it was too perfect, too ‘fic’ like but i just went with it cuz it was interesting and maybe he was this good and i was a sucker for it.

but then it just got over the top. the stories, the details, it just was too much for a first time relationship and the guy/her being only 18-19 years old.

so at one point he supposedly left a little scavenger hunt of notes around her place when she fell asleep and he had to leave. this was only a week or two into their relationship. pretty unbelievable. so then shes sending me pics of the little riddle notes for her scavenger hunt and the handwriting changed half way thru. also, one of the pics there was a guy’s leg in the pic. and she lied to me and said it was a fake one her brother pranked her with on Halloween. well. i called her on that, asking for a pic of it and she fessed up to lying saying ‘she was embarrassed cuz she couldn't figure out the clues and she had her friend Bradley come over to help her’. which, honestly sure i’d buy but why lie? and how fast did he get there? smells fishy.

moving on. i was confused cuz she said her friend was named Bradley. well. that was also the name on the ‘brother’s email’ she was using. i called her on this. she said they are both Bradley and she calls her brother B. I was iffy. What are the chances. Honestly.

At this time i called her out and told her i thought she was cat fishing me. and asked to see a pic of her with the notes from the scavenger hunt. which she took forever to send a pic, making up the excuse of being in the bathroom, and they getting dressed but finally did. it appeared she was holding the notes but idk tbh. (in all her pics shes sent it’s clearly the same girl)

Fast forward and she has this wild weekend with her now boyfriend/ brother’s best friend. like so much sex. it’s literally impossible how long they supposedly went and how many times her boyfriend supposedly came. it was just too wild and for her claiming to be a virgin, it was too much and he, being a supposedly 18yr old was way too experienced sounding. seriously. it was like a fic.

so like i asked for a pic of her boyfriend cuz supposedly he’s so shawn like and shit and all i’ve seen was this one generic pic of him (god knows where that came from) and she can’t get any on facebook and blah blah. now i asked several times for pics of this boy (shes with him all the time) but she always had an excuse. always.

at this point im just so suspicious she’s lying about everything. now her boyfriend is going off for a sports camp thing for a month in the US. shes sad. okay. but then about two days later she says she has some family drama and won’t be available for a few days. im like okay. shit happens.sure.

she tells her best friend ‘Bradley’ to message me on tumblr so i wouldn’t be lonely. so he had to make a tumblr cuz ‘he just used hers to read your fic’. so im like okay sure. well. while i talked to him i noticed he speaks, types, has the same exact quirks as her. i mean so specifically the same. i use lmao a lot, too much perhaps. and she started using it too cuz we talked all the time, you pick things up from people. but for this guy, whom ive never spoken with and i assume would have their own quirks and way of speaking, to be the exact same is super fishy to me.

so a few days later she texts me (i have her cell # and have since just after the boyfriend thing started) and shes like saying that she’s not in AUS anymore and that her boyfriend just COULDNT be with out her and paid for a flight to come stay with him for a week in the US while he’s doing his sport thing. Not sure where an 18 year old boy gets money like that let alone how she was staying with him, specially if he was on an exchange program for a school function. red flag. im suspicious.

so then she says ‘oh its so boring here all day with out him cuz hes at camp for sports” and im like thinking well....you could text me all day or message me on tumblr but you don’t? doesn't make sense. so when i get a chance to talk to her, she says shes heading home soon. and i ask what the family drama was and she says something about her aunt. and i dont remember how it came up but i asked about her living situation back home. cuz previously she’d sent me stuff about living with a roommate but now she was saying she lived with her brother. so i asked. and she said she lives at home but her parents have been away for a while but they just came back and then there was drama with her aunt. like, what? that just didn’t make sense to me at all. she never mentioned moving or anything and always said she lived with her brother (never mentioned parents ever before and also where the fuck would they be for so long??). (also side note, when we first started talking she said she had a horse/pony and his name was Waffles i think and she loved him so much and was always out there with him. never ever heard about this again. ever.)

so here’s the point where i am just done with this and i have a bad feeling and i can’t ignore it anymore. she tells me her boyfriend will be back soon and i should go talk to Bradley about my concept i wanted to tell her about. i told her im not as comfortable talking to him about it cuz it’s not the same. she insists. and then...she calls him Larry. and im like what? who? and she tells me this story how that’s his nickname cuz her mom would call them that when she got mad when they were kids. (that makes no sense) and she called him that since he beat up some guy for her in high school (still makes no sense and now im absolutely done with this not adding up shit) also this whole time ‘Bradley’ hasn’t been on for a day or two. and suddenly as soon as i say goodbye to her. he’s suddenly online. Fishy.

I decide not to talk and i block him to see what happens. nothing happens. so now i decide to take this story to a friend on here who i trust a lot. she tells me to block her and see what happens. see if she notices. a day later and she’s supposed to be home from the US and back in AUS. i get a text, something about a car accident on the way home from the airport. I don’t respond.

at this point my trusted friend mentions a user randomly contacting her and sending her outtakes in exchange for writing a oneshot a while back. and that the email was weird and ‘fishy’ and ‘from her brothers email.’ low and behold. it’s the same person i’ve been talking to. and she told my trusted friend that she got the pics ‘from her friend’ when she told me should bought them (with what money idk cuz they were expensive $80-$100 per sets and yet she was complaining about bring broke??)

I go on with my blogging and writing. next day. she doesn't text me. another day and she sends something along the lines of “hope you’re okay i noticed you haven’t been active.” I don’t respond because I want to see if she notices I've blocked her and asks me about it.

another day passes.

I don’t get any messages about being blocked, or asking what’s going on or why can’t she see my tumblr, etc. Things that an actual person and normal friend would probably be sending texts about far more frequently than just one or two texts.

so then i get a text today from her cell that says this

which i don’t believe for one second. so i take it to my trusted friend. and she tells me that she has liked a few of her posts since last night. oh. really. blogging from the grave huh? So i ask my trusted friend to message her. to see if she replies. and low and behold:

I’m honestly pissed off and hurt. I called this person my friend. I grew to trust this person and share my days/stories/ideas with them. I have no idea how much is true of what she’s ever told me. I have no idea if she is a real person or another person pretending. But even if all the other stuff that I was iffy on and sent up red flags for me were somehow bizarre truths, this text is a lie. She faked her own death and I am calling her out on this. Because I won’t be friend with a person like this. And I highly suggest no one is because this is wrong and sick.

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tenacityreturns · 7 years ago

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@gadian-shin // a mini playlist for a long-ish drabble:

saw you in a dream // im gonna be // im sorry // hide & seek // talk // it will be me // everythings alright // almost lover

Kagami woke up feeling like everything was as it should be. His body was stiff from yesterdays training -- he had neglected to go to the baths afterward to relax his muscles in favour of crashing like a light. Noya came to see him, or had that been a dream? Maybe it was. Kagami couldnt remember anything specific, just waking up and seeing him nearby. Smiling as he extended his fingers to brush against that familiar cheek, then pinching soft skin playfully. There had been something strange in his eyes, though, like there was something wrong. Kagami fell asleep again before there had been a chance to say anything.

The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced it had been a dream. Touching his cheek like that? Definitely dreamt it. Well, whatever, he’d just ask when he saw the guy at breakfast. Hey, lifelong bestie, did I stroke your cheek last night? Even if he did, he wasn’t too concerned. Noya could just laugh it off, and Kagami wasn’t going to be embarrassed about it if Noya didn’t care.

He’d been difficult to read lately, not like usual. Something was off. And in the last few days, the guy had been extra fucking miserable. By that, of course, it meant a little more volume, a little louder laughter. Anything to cover up how he really felt. Kagami could see through it, but Noya brushed him off when he’d ask. Nothing was wrong, everything was fine, don’t worry about it! Yeah, like he’d just forget about his best friend being upset.

When they were in class, and in training, and in the mess hall, Kagami kept getting these feelings that Noya disapproved. He knew there were aspects of their future job that Noya didn’t like, but the taller teenager also knew better than to question it. Soldiers’ lives were not comfortable, they were not soft, and this was war. They had to be tough, ruthless. It was all in the name of the Fire Nation, and what an honourable name at that! He knew his friend would push through this phase, that he’d get over himself soon. It must have been a little shocking to him, that was it! Kagami had always hung out around soldiers, and around tough crowds, he figured that he’d just been more aware of the dirtier side of life. Not that soldiers were living rough at all! And Imperial Guards, they really had it good! And Noya and Kagami had each other, as they’d always said. Sure, since Noya was part of the Royal Guard thanks to his impressive bending ability, they’d separate. But they’d find the time. They made a promise.

Noya wasn’t at breakfast, no one had seen him. Kagami ate and talked with the others from their group, figuring his friend was just sleeping or something. Then he wasn’t in his room, or the showers, or the training grounds. Kagami had to attend training, but he was distracted. It was weird not to hear from him by now, and if he’d gone anywhere, wouldn’t he have taken Kagami with him? Yeah, he would! He’d have said something. Weird, but Noya was the most powerful bender in the area, Kagami wasn’t exactly worried about him.

Then he wasn’t at lunch. Kagami asked an S.O., but he didn’t have anything useful to say. Noya didn’t skip meals, not when it meant a little downtime to hang with friends. Not when it meant sitting with Kagami. Not that they were inseparable, or anything! Except, they kind of were. It was how it had always been. And worse still, people started asking him where Noya was, why it was so quiet. Like hell he knew! If only he did.

Dinner. Nothing. Evening? Nothing. He was in major trouble for skipping training without organising leave. Kagami said that something had happened at home to cover him, but that would only work until they checked it out. Noya would still get punished for it, they’d say he should prioritise his work over personal commitments, but at least it provided an explanation.

Another day passed. What the hell? Kagami was getting nervous. Had something happened?

On the fourth day he was able to leave the camp. He immediately headed for Noya’s house. What the fuck? He was angry at this point. How come he thought it was alright to just SKIVE? And worry the hell out of him? This ASSHOLE. He had a part to play in their team, he had to turn up for training or else they’d boot him! Or beat him. Probably both. This Agni damned idiot! Unless he was sick, but Kagami was STILL mad because he should’ve been there! Not hiding out at home! Or should have tried to tell him so he wouldn’t worry!

When Kagami arrived at Noya’s, he burst in through the front door without thinking. Then as an afterthought, he knocked and introduced himself. “It’s just me, I’m looking for Noya! He’s not at base, can I come in?”

But his (startled) mother hadn’t seen him either. Kagami checked his room, just standing by the door with his hands on his hips. There was no sign of him. Kagami played it off, said that it had only been a few hours so as not to worry her. Then he left. Feeling worried. Not mad, just fucking worried. He searched everywhere. All over town, asking at shops and bars, passers-by that they knew.

He checked their clearing, that space in the woods. No one was there. It looked so empty now. Something felt really wrong. Where the fuck was he?

Kagami spent all day walking. He hadn’t stopped to eat, and only just made it back in time for curfew. Worry stole his sleep. He wasn’t functional the next day. No one knew where Noya was. No one. That night was the first night that he cried about it. His throat strained trying to keep the sobs silent, and he swapped his blanket for Noya’s when they were changing bedding. It made it easier to get to sleep at least, but the fact that it smelt like him, and when he’s open his eyes, Noya wasn’t there made him ache. Ache to his core.

The next day was melancholy. Who knew what to tell the giant redhead who couldn’t sleep without thinking about the guy who had upped and gone? So the left him alone, and it was for the best. He didn’t have anything to say, anyway. He just wanted Noya back. Rumours were already floating around that he was a traitor, and Kagami had a busted lip, black eye, and bruised shins from defending him. The facial injuries were from a fight he’d started, or technically THEY had started when in the decision to bad-mouth Kagami’s best friend. The shins were punishment for said incidents.

But Kagami was still saving Noya a seat at the table. He refused to believe that he’d just gone. His mother had no idea where he’d gone, Kagami didn’t know. He couldn’t imagine where else to look. He kept up the search, but couldn’t stray too far from camp due to time restraints. He’d returned late three times in this last week, he couldn’t risk suspension. This was still his life’s dream, to be in the army. To be good.

Day six and he felt sick, but sicker still when it was announced that Noya was being officially marked as an outcast. What!? Why! There were no grounds for this! Wasn’t this too short of an absence? What if he was sick? Or hurt somewhere by himself? Or worse? What the hell? A week?! He made his way to Noya’s house as soon as possible, asking too many questions. He knew the answer to most of them, just didn’t want to think that maybe Noya WAS traitor material. He wouldn’t just leave, right? Kagami didn’t suggest that Noya that his ranks had cast doubt on him like a terrible shadow, he couldn’t upset this poor woman any more than she already was. She knew the seriousness of Noya’s crime. Alleged crime.

But no, there was no alleged about his absence. Noya had really left. Left his mum. Left him. Kagami didn’t know if they’d ever meet again, because the penalty was death, and if Noya was captured out there, he might die in the struggle to arrest him. He might die of starvation, of the cold, of anything. Could he already be dead? No, he couldn’t be. He’d be--- alright? Wouldn’t he? Fuck. Kagami didn’t know. This wasn’t fair. They’d PROMISED to stay together forever, if not by each other’s side than through their bond. But Noya had left without even saying goodbye. That dream he’d had on the day that Noya disappeared only upset him further, because either it was a cruel dream foretelling what he’d lack, or it had been Noya. Had Noya visited? Had Kagami touched him? How could he have touched him and not made Noya change his mind?

Or tell him about it? Or demand that he came too? Why was Kagami so fucking easy for him to leave? How could Noya leave his mother? She didn’t have anyone else. Kagami stopped visiting once Noya was officially branded as a traitor. The Fire Nation acted fast in this decision. Noya was a criminal. It wasn’t that Kagami didn’t want to see his mother, to just check in, but it hurt. How the FUCK could Noya leave them? It messed him up. He didn’t understand. Couldn’t

How was it that if he was found, Noya would be sent immediately to the higher-ups to be tried and potentially executed? That didn’t make any fucking sense. It was NOYA. Noya. The guy was going to enter the Royal Guard! He was going to protect the Fire Lord! Noya had always said they’d stick together. This wasn’t fair. What the hell?

The seventh day apart was shit. And the eighth. And the ninth. How come the Fire Nation decided on traitors so quickly? How come Noya had fucking gone without a trace, out of the fucking blue? How come Kagami wasn’t able to sleep right or eat right or concentrate? His chest ached constantly. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of Noya. How could he just give up on their shared dream like this? So many fucking questions, no wonder his head always hurt.

And it wasn’t like Noya was JUST his lifelong best friend whom he had known since the beginning of his memory -- as if that wasn’t enough. How many years had Kagami’s hormonal teenage ways added romance into the mix? Maybe he’d realised that he loved Noya differently before becoming a teenager, but it wasn’t until he was older that he had figured out what that MEANT. He hadn’t wanted to ruin the friendship, though. How funny! Hadn’t wanted to do something that might make the guy hate him. Hilarious! Hadn’t wanted to make him leave. Kagami was sure it hadn’t been that that had made him run away, though. He’d have been able to pick up on those kinds of vibes, for sure. No, his instinct was saying that it was more serious. Maybe he was a traitor. He didn’t know, but he did know that Noya’s heart wasn’t in defending the Fire Nation. Not after those meetings he’d had with the Royal Procession. They’d upset him, even though Noya didn’t say as much, Kagami knew.

Why hadn’t Noya just TALKED TO HIM about it? What the fucking shit? Did he trust Kagami so little? Not care what he had to say? Betrayal set in HEAVY on day nine. It turned to cold rage on day ten. Day eleven and he ran into Noya’s mum on one of his long walks (subconsciously still looking for Noya). That set him back to the start. Desperately longing to find his dumbass, lost friend. Kagami couldn’t imagine leaving without saying goodbye. Maybe Noya hadn’t loved him as much as he claimed to have done.

CONTINUED.

#atla verse.#gadianshin #r: SOME KIND OF LOVE.#this is 2k words i am going TO BED #it only took me :') nearly five hours why did i start this at 10pm #and why am i INSISTING on posting it now at nearly 3am #for fun. thats why.#i hope this makes sense and isnt just a boring word vom #i tried to get his actual pure disbelief across lmao #also it was a dream! literally kagami was just dreaming #im just That Extra #on a list of things kagami deserves this does not feature #ok for some reason? this post fucked up on dash view ESP w/ apostrophes so i removed them in the first para #but it's fine once u click on my blog #fuck you tumblr #ANYWAY enjoy :')

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saibh29 · 7 years ago

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Wanheda or Not? (Part 1)

Pairing: Roan / Reader

Warning: Swearing and Violence

Request: @nicholeifly Hey! I love your writing! Could you do A Roan x Reader. Where the reader is one of the original 100 and a total "Grounder" bad ass like O. And she leaves about the same time as Clark (after Mount Weather) and Roan sees her (in a cloak) thinking she's Wanheda and goes after her. And some angst romance junk and what not. :) (and if I may request you keep Roan true to his character as much as possible. It would be appreciated!!)

AN: This is going to be a short little series for Roan as I couldnt’ fit it all into one chapter. I think it will be about three parts. (however i said that for the Real Mrs Vane as well and we all know how that turned out)

Check out my masterlist for other Roan fics....MASTERLIST

Or add yourself to my taglist if you want over here....TAGLIST

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There wasn’t a big goodbye scene when you left Arkadia. No clinging to another person as if they would never let you go or tears that fell in strained silence. After all you weren’t Clarke Griffin. You weren’t the Princess of Skaikru. You were simply her shadow. The one who followed her footsteps in the dark and made sure that no damage came to the girl who thought she was unworthy of her place in Arkadia anymore.

“Look after her” Bellamy had whispered that day as you’d appeared beside him as Clarke walked away. “Make sure she’s safe”

You hadn’t answered simply nodded and taken off after Clarke. Unlike her you could move silently through forest and could go unseen by anyone you didn’t want to be seen by. Clarke took months to realise she was leaving a trail. You’d tried to clear most of it but needing to keep her in sight and also not alert her to your presence meant that you’d not been as careful as you’d wanted to be.

That was probably why now you were in as much trouble as you were.

There had been bounty hunters before these ones but they had always been easy enough to distract. Easy enough to lose or if there was no other choice easy enough to kill. The one who was currently following you though was smart.

It had taken you too long to realise he was there and even now you still hadn’t gotten a good look at him. It was hard to distract or to kill someone you couldn’t find. So, you’d resorted to the last tactic left to you. Last night you’d managed to creep into Clarke’s make shift camp and stolen one of her cloaks you’d then noisily and not all to stealthily gotten him to follow you instead of Clarke.

You knew he was behind you, could feel the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end and your skin was tingling. You continued onwards though leading him away from Clarke. The further he was away from her the safer she was.

The only warning you got that he had gotten tired of following was the slight crunch of a tree branch close behind you and then a knife had slid around your throat stopping you still, his other hand going to your hip.

“Don’t move Wanheda” You held up your hands in surrender, proving to him you had no weapons in either of them. “You got careless”

“Did I?” there were few options to take when someone had a knife to your throat. The movie version of ramming your elbow back or smashing your head back into there’s would effectively get your throat cut. The assailants arm being forced back into your throat as he stumbled away. So instead you stayed very still. “Who are you?”

“Who I am is unimportant. Don’t move” he warned as the knife was slowly retracted. He grabbed your hands spinning your around to tie rope around your wrists.

You couldn’t see his face clearly it was too smeared with mud and dirt. He was hiding something that was obvious. You didn’t recognise the accent he was speaking with from any of the nearby tribes and you had met most of them.

“Are you planning on killing me?” he predictably didn’t answer your question “or am I worth more alive I wonder?”

“Either way wouldn’t stop me cutting out your tongue”

“Wow” you raised your eyebrows at him. “threats? Is that meant to frighten me?”

“I’d be disappointed if they did. After all you’re the great Wanheda, the destroyer of mountains”

“Yes, I had heard that was what you were all calling me” he pulled on the rope forcing you forwards, walking through the forest. You were pleased to notice you were still going in the opposite direction to where Clarke was camped. You couldn’t let him take you too far though as you needed to get back as soon as possible. You also needed to figure out just how to stop this man coming after you both again. “So, where are we going?”

He glanced back at you, from the look on his face he was clearly perturbed by your whole aura of nonchalance regarding being kidnapped. You on the other hand were fairly happy, this situation was only improving for you. No more knife at your neck and he had his back to you. It was possible to work with this.

With a move you doubted he would see coming you took hold of the rope in front of you and pulled with all your strength. The rope came free from his hands and he fell backwards onto the floor. Before he’d truly processed what had happened you’d gotten the knife from your boot free and were crouched on the ground beside him with the blade against his neck.

In an almost mirror of your own face earlier he didn’t look scared simply curious about what you’d do next. Using the blade at his throat you cut your wrists free using your now free hand to wipe away some of the dirt on his face trying to get a decent look at him.

“Ice nation” you hissed as his scars we’re revealed. “You’re Azgeda”

“And you’re not Wanheda”

“Took you long enough” taking a chance you removed the knife and took a step back from him putting some space between the two of you. “Why do you want Clarke? Why would you want to take her back to your queen?”

He sat up staring across at you, he made no move to get back to his feet or to reach for any of the other multiple weapons you were sure he had on his person. “How does an obviously Skaikru member speak our language like you? And why are you pretending to be Wanheda?”

“I asked first” you were pleasantly surprised when he actually answered one of your questions.

“The story about Wanheda, it’s being said that whoever can kill her will be able to absorb the power she wields. The ability to bring about death”

“People are trying to kill Clarke because they think she can help them kill people? Well that makes a whole lot of sense”

“Your turn, why are you pretending to be Wanheda? It isn’t safe”

“Clarke is my friend. I may not agree with her sometimes but she is one of us and we protect our own” your muscles tensed getting prepared to strike as he finally got back to his feet. “You aren’t going to stop, are you?”

“Would you?”

He had a point, in fact it was simply the truth. You weren’t going to stop trying to protect Clarke. Instead you decided to try a different tactic. “I know who you are”

“And who do you think I am?”

“Prince Roan” he took a step towards you in what you thought was actual surprise. He had not expected anyone to recognise him. “The scars” pointing to the marks on his face you continued “I suppose not many people know that they’re almost like an identity tag. Each of your tribe’s scars are different, aren’t they? I recognise that marking there, you’re the exiled Prince” he still didn’t answer, although you guessed you hadn’t really asked him a question yet. “So, my previous question remains why would an exiled Prince be trying to take Clarke to the queen, mother who abandoned him?”

“How exactly do you know that I’m planning on taking her to Nia?”

That stopped you. You didn’t know that. You’d assumed that’s where he would be taking her because it was the only place that made sense. He wouldn’t be handing Clarke over to another tribe that was for sure. “Where else would you take her?”

A smile twitched the corners of his mouth. “So you don’t know everything?” he picked up the knife from the floor that he must have dropped when you’d pulled him over earlier. Sliding it into his belt. “I won’t stop hunting her”

“And I won’t stop protecting her”

“Then I guess we’ll be seeing each other again” he nodded his head to you before disappearing smoothly back into the shadows of the trees.

He was going to be a problem Prince Roan of Azgeda. A big problem and not just because he was hunting Clarke.

No, one other massive problem he seemed to present was the fact that you hadn’t been able to avoid noticing that he was incredible good looking and that he hadn’t actually tried to hurt you. Even though he knew you would be there protecting Clarke. It would have been easier for him to simply try and kill you now and be done with it. But he hadn’t, instead he’d simply walked away, and you’d let him. You’d let him go.

Oh yeah, Prince Roan was definitely going to be a massive problem.

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itsdjjones · 7 years ago

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All Too Well | Addie & DJ

TAGGING: @addieharps & @itsdjjones

DATE: 6/9 Friday Night

PLACE: Addie’s apartment

NOTES: DJ comes over to possibly work things out but it end up in sex...like always. tw - smut

DJ already knew what this was gonna be with Addie when he texted her. As much as he wanted to talk and possibly mend some things with her it never ended up that way when they hung out anymore. He would be lying if he said he still didn't like her but now these new feelings for Parker was freaking him out and he needed someone familiar to be around. At least romantically familiar. After she had gotten off work DJ drove over to her place and knocked on the door. He made sure to be wearing his favorite cologne and was looking nice with a solid tshirt and a cleaned up goatee and mustache he had going on the past couple months.

Addie really didn't know why she kept doing this to herself. It was easy to pretend like nothing bothered her when it came to most things. She could brush off her past with DJ and act like she was completely over it, but she was far from over it. It wasn't that she wanted him back, she was pretty sure she never could at this point, but she couldn't deny the pain she felt when she thought about it, not to herself. Still, he didn't need to know that. She kept herself busy all night at work, not wanting to think about him coming over later. She wanted him there, she wanted to see him, but she didn't want to think about it. Instead keeping her mind occupied with refilling salt shakers and rolling silverware, but soon it was time for her to leave, and she couldn't deny her plans anymore. Packing up two containers of food, she drove to her apartment and quickly changed out of her uniform, pulling on some shorts and an oversized T shirt instead, aiming more for comfort than trying to impress anyone. Maybe a part of her still wanted him to want her, but she didn't want him thinking that she was trying to impress him. She'd just barely buttoned her shorts when she heard the knock at her door. She made sure to get herself in check before opening it, no excited smile, no butterflies, this was DJ her ex, not DJ her boyfriend. "Hey," She said softly, her voice casual but pleasant as she swung the door open, stepping aside for him to come in. "Foods on the counter if you're hungry."

DJ didn't know what to expect when he arrived. There was the expectation that she would light up at the sight of him and run into his arms, kissing him and never letting go. Then there was the reality which was the opposite. She looked good in anything she wore and he looked at her as he walked inside. "Thanks" he said. DJ was a different person than he was when they were together. When he found his faith his whole world kind of turned upside down and he realized what an asshole he was before. He hadn't even drank since that night. DJ walked to the kitchen and he casually looked through the food, getting out a roll to snack on. He leaned against the counter. "You look good" he complimented her. "How was work?"

Addie sighed softly to herself when he walked by, turning away, pretending to check her hair in the mirror on the wall behind her when she smelt his cologne, trying so hard not to be affected by it. She turned back to him when she heard him in the food, and smile softly, leaning against the counter. Addie shrugged a shoulder when he said she looked good. "You're getting fed no matter what, you don't have to suck up." She joked, though her voice was dryer than she'd have liked. "It was work. Kids spilling drinks, old people tipping me 80 cents, middle aged women asking for a manager." She shrugged again, reaching forward and ripping a piece off of the roll he was eating before hopping up onto the counter in front of him and taking a bite. "How was your day?" She asked, it was almost too easy, falling into a normal conversation with him, being around him. She'd forgiven him a long time ago, in a way, she certainly didn't wish him ill, but she just didn't dare to be any kind of open or vulnerable around him. Or practically anyone, really. And she could never see them truly being friends again.

DJ sighed. "I'm not sucking up. I'm being serious" he said taking a bit of the roll he had in his hand. He looked at her as she spoke and he smiled. "So a typical day?" he smiled with those white teeth sparkling. "It was good I spent most of it at the summer camp. Kids are kinda crazy and this one group of girls follow me around everywhere I go. I have a way with fourth graders clearly" he chuckled. He watched her get up on the counter and all her wanted to do was stand there between her legs, feeling her skin against his hands. He didn't though. He licked his lips and looked up at her. "I miss you" He said coming straight out and saying it. It was different than over text. That guilt in his voice almost made him want to beg her for forgiveness right there like he had when everything went down.

Addie nodded, "Yeah, well you look good, too." She admitted softly, biting into her lower lip. Chuckling at his question, she nodded, her eyes low, but a smile finally formed on her face, "As typical as can be." She agreed, meeting his eyes, and almost wishing she hadn't when she saw his smile. She loved that smile at one point in time. "You're a good role model for them, at least. They could be following around someone who is teaching them all the wrong things." She meant what she said, because she knew that DJ had become a different person, she just wished it hadn't been hurting her that had made him decide to change. Chills ran through her with when she saw the way he looked at her, her breath catching in her throat at his words. "Don't." She whispered, her voice breaking when she did. Don't what? She wanted to say so many things. 'Don't miss me, don't look at me that way, don't sound so sad, don't make me miss you back.' But she couldn't say any of that. Instead she pulled on that signature smile she'd done so well at perfecting especially when she didn't mean it. "I'm right here, there's no reason for you to miss me."

DJ smiled to himself when she complimented him. DJ looked down at the floor when she called him a good role model. It's all he ever wanted to be. To his siblings, to all his kids he taught. Things changed and the compliment from her meant the world. "I try" he said honestly. "I really do." DJ furrowed his brow when she said 'dont'. He shook his head. "I'm serious" he said walking closer to her. "You're right here but sometimes you feel like a thousand miles away because it will never be the same with us" he spoke. DJ was pretty open about how he felt. He didn't play the games like he used to anymore. "I just wish I could change everything" he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry I know you don't want to hear it because you've heard it a million times from me before." He pulled away from her reluctantly.

Addie couldn't figure out why she wanted to reach out so badly when he looked down, rest her hand on his cheek, run the pad of her thumb along his cheekbone and tell him that he did a great job. But she didn't. Her face stayed hard when she heard him speak, unwilling to tell him it was okay, that she was there. She couldn't. Sure, if he ever really needed something, she'd be there in a heartbeat, but she couldn't just let it all go and go back to normal. He was right, it would never be the same with them. Her eyes fixed on the floor, she gripped the edge of the counter tightly, keeping her emotions in check. Finally, she sighed, her lips pursed together. "I know that you wish you could, but...You can't." She whispered, "I can't give you what you want, and I'm sorry, but if that's what you're here looking for..." She trailed off, she licked her lips as she met his eyes again. "If that's what you're here for, you're wasting your time on me."

DJ "I know" DJ said over her words. "I know" He repeated and looked up at her. "I'm here because I want to spend time with you. I want to be your friend...at the least. Even if I don't deserve to be" He moved closer to her again and he stood between her legs. "You deserve someone who isn't going to hurt you and you know that's not me." he couldnt help but reach out and touch her hand on the counter next to her thigh. It almost felt like things didn't change but that look on her face told DJ otherwise. "I miss you because I don't want to lose you completely." he said. "I can't." he tilted his head to look at her and he searched her eyes for a moment. God those eyes got him every time. She was so beautiful and those eyes were his weakness like he could just stare at them forever.

Addie couldn't count how many times she longed to hear him say he wanted to be in her life, that he still cared about her, and it wasn't as if she didn't know, but sometimes she just felt like she needed to hear it. And yet, here he was saying it, and it just hurt. She spread her legs to give him more room when he stood between them. "Maybe this is just what I deserved all along. My dad cheated on his wife with my mom, maybe what you did was just...Divine retribution, or something, for me even existing in the first place." She wished she could follow that with a laugh, pretend it was a joke, but she'd thought about it more than she cared to admit. "I'm still right here." She said finally, meeting his eyes again, her hand turning over so she could squeeze his gently. She didn't know why she was letting herself open up to him again, but she knew she needed to stop before she made herself too vulnerable.

DJ frowned at her. "Addie...no" he said shutting that shit down as quickly as possible. "Don't you ever say that. What happened was my stupid mistake. Crap like that doesn't just happen because of who you are. I'm sorry about your dad but..Addie please don't think like that okay? This was my fault not yours and I have to live with that forever." He squeezed her hand back and searched her eyes. "You're amazing and I fucked up." he said taking a deep breath. DJ couldn't explain enough how much he wanted her to believe the words he was saying as if it was the only thing left he could do. "I wont let you think that way." He touched her cheek gently.

Addie wanted to believe him, but it had always been hard for her to not blame herself for most things, she'd always felt like the root of so many problems. She sighed when he touched her cheek, turning her face into the touch just slightly. There were so many ways she could react to it. She could just tell him it was fine, that she was joking, she could tell him to leave, she could tell him they could be friends and let it go. "Then help me stop thinking about it." She whispered, bringing her own hand up to rest against his, as she slid herself forward on the counter, moving closer to him. She didn't want to talk anymore, she didn't want to think anymore. She didn't want to be in pain, she just wanted to forget it all.

DJ backed away slightly as she slipped off the counter. His hand on her cheek moved to her neck and his free hand wrapped around her as she spoke. He pulled her body close to his, not having to be asked again. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers, his hand holding her close on her lower back. DJ knew that this was it. This was their relationship now and even if it wasn't right he couldn't give it up. Not just yet. If this was all he got with Addie then that was okay, for now at least. Both hands moved to her hips, slipping under her shirt slightly as he continued to kiss her deeply and passionately.

Addie instantly felt better when his hand moved around her. She pressed her lips back against his, her own arms finding their way to him, one between him and her, resting against his chest the sliding up his arm, then shoulder, resting at the back of his neck. Every part of her knew that it would impossible to get over him when she was still sleeping with him, but she couldn't stop. It was like her own personal punishment for herself. What she was punishing herself for, she didn't really know, but it felt fitting. The hand that was on his chest slid down, resting on his hip instead, as she pushed him back a few inches, not pushing him away, just giving herself some room to move as she guided them back towards her room, leaning agains the door for a few seconds before opening to let them both in, her lips never leaving his for more than a few seconds at a time.

DJ walked with her as they kissed trying not to run into anything but failing when they got to the door of her bedroom. He walked inside and lifted her in his arms, letting her legs wrap around him. After the door closed her pressed her against the door and ran his hand up her body, moving his lips to her neck, kissing eagerly and quickly now like they were running out of time and somehow she would stop him before they even undressed. One hand moved to her ass, half on her shorts and the other on the her skin as he held her up. His free hand slipped up her shirt and cupped her breast. They had been here many times before and it always felt like going home somehow.

Addie wrapped her legs around his waist without really having to think about it, her feet hooking together to help hold herself up. She let out a soft moan when she felt his lips on her neck, her head leaning back against the door to give him more room. Letting her hand glide up to rest at the back of his head as he continued, she couldn't fight the goosebumps that rose on her skin when his hand slid up her shirt. Reaching down, she pulled her shirt off, tossing it to the floor, only meeting his eyes for a second before she crashed her lips back into his.

DJ got a glimpse of her once more as she tossed his her shirt. He forgot how much he was attracted to her. She was drop dead gorgeous and he couldn't help but crave her. DJ moved her to the bed, hovering over her as he rested between her legs. He slipped his shirt over his head with one hand, tossing it to no where in particular. There was no talking. Talking would just ruin things and he really didn't want to do that right now. His hands roamed over her body as their lips met once more. No more thinking, just this. Just the two of them and no one else mattered in that moment.

Addie couldn't stop herself from letting her hands wander his abs and chest when his shirt came off, her feet unhooking from around him now. It was barely a few seconds before she was reaching for the button of his jeans, undoing it and the zipper quickly and pushing them down as far as she could. It was all so easy, so natural between them, and she couldn't let herself think about that for too long. As if it would be better if things were awkward, maybe it would be better, she didn't know. All she knew was that she wanted this more often than not, and she wasn't about to ruin it by overthinking everything.

DJ helped push his jeans off and he sat up, slipping his fingers into the loops of her shorts. He pulled them off quickly until they were both in their underwear. He leaned over her and kissed her skin between her breasts as his hand moved between them, rubbing her between her legs on top of her panties. He could feel himself getting harder in his boxer briefs and it showed. DJ glanced up at her and he pulled down the cups of her bra, exposing one nipple before taking it in his mouth. He knew he was always going to want more with her, but being with her like this it was almost like he could pretend they were okay. Even if he was just fooling himself.

Addie lifted her lips as he pulled her shorts down, helping to kick them off. She gasped as his lips found her bare skin, her hands clenching the blankets beneath her when he started between her legs, it didn't matter that there was a layer of fabric between his finger and her clit, it still sent jolts of pleasure through her core, and she could feel how badly she wanted him. She was sure he could, too. When his lips found her nipples, she couldn't help the way her hips ground into his, it was one of her weaknesses, having his lips on that sensitive skin, she couldn't help it. Her hands wrapped around him, roaming his back and shoulders as he continued. "Mmmm, baby." She moaned quietly, the old petname falling from her lips before she could really stop herself, but now wasn't the time to think about it.

DJ It was like the two of them slipped into their old ways like nothing happened when they were like this. His hands roamed her body and teased her as she called him baby. It was a drug almost that he never wanted to stop taking. He moved his hands behind her bra, unclasping it quickly, the fabric was too much in the way. He moved back to her breasts, his hand slipping into her panties, feeling how wet she really was. It made his cock twitch under the fabric of his briefs. He moved to her other breast, flicking his tongue over her hard nipple before sucking it between his lips. He just couldn't get enough of her.

Addie arched back off the bed so he could undo her bra. With the layer of fabric gone from between them she couldn't deny the increased intensity of his touches. She slid a hand down his front, pushing his briefs down just a few inches so she could wrap her hand around him, squeezing just enough as she began to work her hand on him. Her other hand rested at the back of his head as he continued working at her nipple, her back still arched up off the bed.

DJ moaned against her skin as she touched him. They were like this for a few moments until he couldnt handle it anymore. He sat up and pushed his boxers off the bed and scooted towards her, hand on his cock ready to enter her. He practically ripped her panties off her legs as quickly as possibly. DJ teased her a bit with his tip as he moved one hand around her thighs, pulling her closer. The angle of him looking down at her naked and ready made him want her even more.

Addie would have found it funny how easy it was to be naked in front of him like this, but emotionally she piled on the layers the second he even entered her mind, but right now she was too distracted. Reaching forward, she rested a hand on his hip to help guide him, biting into her bottom lip as she waited for him to push into her.

DJ slipped into her easily as if he had been doing it all this time. He groaned as he moved into her and his hands moved around her sides, holding himself up as he started to move his hips slowly at first. He glanced down at her and let their lips find each other once again as he sped up the pace, thrusting into her faster with every move. He moved one hand over her, groping her breast as her thrust into her and kissed her heatedly.

Addie moaned loudly as he slid into her, her walls stretching to fit him. Her moan only really stopping when he kissed her again, she let her hands wander up his chest, down his arms, wherever they wanted. She moved her hips in unison with his, knowing all the moves she was supposed to make like it was second nature. With him it was. She bit into his lip gently, letting it go with a pop before continuing to kiss him again.

DJ loved it when she bit her lip. She knew exactly the right moved to get him going. They knew each other well and with everything messing with his head, she was familiar. She was home. And this was where he thought he was supposed to be even if things were messed up. DJ moaned against her lips as he slammed into her harder and harder. He soon rolled them over, wanting to watch her sexy body ride him. His hands moved up to her breasts, admiring her body. She was his weakness.

Addie didn't miss a beat as he rolled them over, her knees planting on the bed on either side of him, as her hips continued the same movements they'd been making. She leaned back just a bit, her hands wresting on her ankles as she continued, changing the angle for a new sensation. Her breath had picked up and now each pant sounded more like a little moan. After a few minutes she leaned forward again, hovering over him as her hips slowed a bit so she could press their lips together again. She could feel that familiar pressure building, causing her hips to move faster, wanting more.

DJ pushed his hips up in time with hers. Watching her like this was one of the biggest turn ons ever. He pushed some of her hair out of the way and she leaned down to kiss him once more. He moaned against her lips, knowing that he was getting closer and closer to coming. DJ moved his hands down onto her ass as she rode him. It felt so good and all he could think about in that moment was how much he missed her and missed this and how he never wanted to stop this. Maybe he was being selfish but he knew how to say the right things to get Addie back to this place of wanting with him. It was selfish because he constantly wanted her all the time.

Addie rested her forehead against his after he moaned, before sitting back up, her hips moving faster as she felt her own orgasm start to build, she'd just need that little extra to push her over the edge. Reaching down she grabbed his free hand, guiding it between them and to her clit, and then resting her hands on his abs, before shutting her eyes to let herself just feel what was happening. She couldn't think about it, because if she did, she'd just get bitter, because it wasn't fair that she missed him back, that she missed this, that everything about it was so familiar, but still amazing. It wasn't fair that she was still hung up on him, even though he'd hurt her, that she couldn't move on to something better. Maybe there wasn't better, or not for her. She couldn't think about that now, so she just kept her eyes closed, continuing to let herself get lost in the moment, her moans growing louder by the second.

DJ moaned and he knew he was getting closer but he had to make her come first. He rubbed her clit between them as she moved her hips on his cock. "Come for me baby" he said as she moaned louder. He knew this place with her and he knew she was close. DJ put his free hand on her hip, gripping it as he could feel his own cock twitch inside of her. "Fuck" He hissed and his thrusting up into her faltered a bit.

Addie gasped when his fingers found her clit, a wave of pleasure hitting her almost instantly. His words practically melting her, and as if more of a command than a request, her body responded, pushing her so close to the edge, she knew it would happen anytime now. She gripped onto him tighter, trying to keep her own hips in pace, trying to bring him with her. It felt like it was barely seconds before her walls were clenching around his cock, her hips jerking in rhythm with them as her orgasm hit her, "fuck," She hissed as her muscles all clenched with the feeling. Finally, her hips slowed and then stopped as she leaned forward, resting her forehead against DJ's chest for a few seconds before she rolled off of him, setting onto the bed next to him.

DJ felt himself come inside of her as she moaned out that cuss word. He felt her walls tighten around him and he couldn't take it anymore. He pressed his forehead to hers and he wanted to lean up and kiss her but before he could she rolled off him and he laid there breathless and it finally hit him what just happened. How did they always end up like this? Why did he let himself end up like this? DJ couldn't help himself around her. He shouldn't want her as much as he did. Finally he glanced at her to see if she was thinking the same thing.

Addie wasn't naive, it wasn't as if she didn't expect this when he came over. Maybe part of her hoped it wouldn't end this way, that maybe they could just hang out, like normal friends, but she knew better. Every time she told herself it would be the last time, but things never really seemed to feel over. Addie sighed as she looked over at him, meeting his eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but just snapped it shut again, not knowing what to say. The physical part of it had been so easy, but she couldn't never figure it out beyond that. She hated herself for wanting to slide closer to him, for wanting him to wrap his arms around her and hold her and kiss her again. She couldn't want any of this, but she couldn't seem to help it. She wanted to just forgive him, let it all go, tell him everything was fine, that she was fine, let all of that pain go, but she couldn't do that either. "We can't keep doing this, you know." She whispered, "I can't keep doing this." Did that mean this would actually end? She didn't know, but she did know it should.

DJ stood up and he reached for his boxers. He didn't feel like being naked anymore felt right. He grabbed his jeans and hopped a little as he zipped them up and adjusted himself. He looked at her and took a deep breath. "You say that every time" he said softly. It was true. They both said this every time and DJ had grown to not believe her anymore. If she didn't want this to happen then she shouldnt invite him over anymore. He shouldn't be texting her anymore but they couldn't stop. He felt guilty that having sex was so easy but forming words to fix things wasn't. He knew it wasn't fair to her...or both of them really. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and that they could fix this and pull her into his arms like before but he couldn't. He sat down on her bed, back facing her. "Do you want me to go?" He asked. He knew he should go but he wondered if she wanted him to, for real.

Addie watched as he stood, and taking the time to get herself back under control. Her level head coming back, any kind of emotion she was starting feel getting cut off before it had a chance to grow into anything. Finding her underwear she pulled them back on, followed by the oversized T she'd been wearing when he arrived. She didn't say anything when he reminded her that she said the same thing every time. She knew she did, and maybe one day she'd follow through. Pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. When he asked if she wanted him to go, she wanted so badly to say no. To tell him he could stay, and hang out for a while, eat some of the food she'd brought for them, maybe watch a movie even, talk. But instead a single word fell from her lips. "Yes." She whispered, she wanted to be alone, to let herself cry, or beat herself up, hate herself for a just a little while, and she couldn't do that with him there.

DJ heard her yes without even turning around and he did what she asked. He grabbed his shirt and slipped it on. He finally looked back at her, sitting on the bed alone and he wanted to just fix it. But he knew he couldn't. Not anymore. DJ wasn't the person that could fix this anymore. He stood at the door and looked back at her. "I'll see you around" he said softly before walking out of the bedroom and towards the front door. He grabbed his keys that he left on the counter and sighed. She was right, they needed to stop but the moment he left he was missing her again.

Addie watched again as he stood, holding herself together as she waited for him to leave. She nodded when he spoke, not bothering to answer him, because she knew there was no point. She waited until she heard the door close, before climbing under the covers, pulling them over her head, and letting tears spill out. She didn't know if he knew how upset she always got afterwards, but she certainly had no intentions of telling him. It was easier to just cry in private, letting her tears lull her to sleep.

#para: alltoowell #para #para: addie #//i mean obviously i had to have a t swift title lol

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kaysmomma9210-blog · 7 years ago

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Heartbroken...pregnant...but moving on.

I'm fine. I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become. No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby. But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light. Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again. Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me. I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain. I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily. One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well. The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red. I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out. The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude. It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore. We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through. Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy. One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together. His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go. We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it. D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him. We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other. After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing. He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger. I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night. One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life. The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends. I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday. That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th. C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true. I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst. I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep burying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression. I just want to move on and be happy. Here's to another day...

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thegeminisage · 8 years ago

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i realized i had been typing up zelda blogging into notepad for like a week plus without posting, cause i didn’t wanna post everyday once i finished the main story? but then it got SUUUPER long. i waited for it to kinda taper down since now i’m mostly down to completionist stuff, and since it has, i’m gonna post it & just do small posts if i decide to blog abt anything else.

it feels rly weird not to zeldablog now

i ran into a blue? silver? lynel and got trapped fighting it on my way out of hyrule castle AND KILLED IT!! yay!!

also im going back to the mountain to check out that glow

i checked the shrine out next to it, since i was only activating them near the end and not DOING them

and they've gotten way more complex

now i understand when the monks commend your resourcefulness like before i was like, pls. that was way too easy. literally anyone could have done that

i went to the lake at night and it isn't glowing ): idgi did i see something else? does it only do that from a distance? on certain nights? i could see it from SO far away...

o my god theres a GOLF minigame the camera angles even do the thing

fucking fuck dinraal showed up WHILE I WAS PLAYING GOLF

i MISSED him im so mad i couldnt fast travel away bc minigame!!!

WOW AND HERE COMES THE BLOOD MOON WHICH I WAS WAITING ON AT THE LAKE MOUNTAIN im so pissed i fuckin hate golf at this point its faster to finish than to run all the way back and quit :|

i finished golf but the blood moon just turned into?? a normal moon??

ah okay the glow is random and it's a rare mount!! thank god it wasn't just me losing my mind lol

haha i went to kill the shock arrow lynel just to see if i could and it only took like less than a minute with atk+ armor and decent weapons/shields

plus i'm just better at that special timing stuff now

figures it wouldn't happen til post-game

wtf another blood moon only a few nights later???

i read it was super glitchy but i never really realized until i was paying attention...

aww i bought a house!! maybe link and zelda can live there until the castle is restored YES THEY WILL BE MARRIED SOMEDAY

it's a cute quest i wish i had brought enough rupees to buy all the furniture in it

anyway like. it's super nice to have finally beaten this game's story?? i feel like now i don't have to Rush, i can stop and poke around and explore just like i want, tbh i kinda wish i had done it sooner

anyway im done for the night but i think i will rack up a bit more blogging before making a post i don't wanna be making one every day anymore

——

okay so im gonna wait for the blood moon at this shrine

ive been reading that its random and glitchy?? but had i never read any of that i would have been SURE it was just every full moon, like clockwork

so maybe i'm wrong or the internet is

anyway i have enough fire arrows and wood to camp for a full 10 nights, after which im bailing lol

OH FUCK CANCEL EVERYTHING A SHOOTING STAR

I WONDER IF I CAN FAST TRAVEL TO IT??

only one way to find out

I CAN!!!!!

tonight's a halfmoon...if it's waxing then only 2 more nights, if the blood moon is the fullmoon

waning - 6 more nights :/

and who even knows if the blood moon is the full moon...

i've been reading so much and there's so much i was aching to do while trapped in bed that i don't know where to begin...! yet i am waiting at this dumb shrine, haha

i think i wanna to the terrytown quests? tarrytown? where you build a town, those sound so fun, but ofc i need rupees

three-quarters moon! pleeease letthe next one be a blood moon, i say for once in my life lol

oh no...full moon but no blood moon ):

ugh i do not WANT to camp here for a hundred years

i suppose with the nearby shrine i can get to it fairly quicky but not quickly enough for my liking...once the moon rises you only have literally like two minutes before it leaves

so i have to notice it, get out there, and get naked in less than 2 minutes, without warning :/

ok yeah no this is stupid i'll just do something else while i wait

ah, but what! this is what i was talking about earlier, where do you even BEGIN

i could go back and solve shrines, but puzzles are only fun for so long, i wanna explore and there's so much left to see

i could also rupee farm hahahaha

and for better or worse i do eventually wanna get all the korok seeds...

actually i think i wanna fight minibosses?? which is so weird but i feel like i can take em

i know the silver lynels will kick my ass from reading tvtropes but i can take the others!!!

i also read about the lon lon ranch ruins, which i either missed or didn't realize what they were...i don't have a clue as to where they are, but i wanna see them, i know i'll be Sad

omg people startle when i get close to them wearing dark link armor

oooh i was wondering what this big circular tower was...man i havent seen ANYTHING in hyrule field

apparently there are monsters inside...i see a blue lynel? silver lynel? who knows

but i fought one before, so maybe i can take it

i WAS wanting to fight stuff

camera says it's silver, tvtropes says silvers are harder than calamity ganon himself

but the ones that aren't red all look alike to me, so i have no idea which kind i fought in hyrule castle...and my sword had superpowers then

the problem is all these OTHER monsters...no way could i take them on all at once

so i gotta go around and pick them off first without being noticed if i can

omg i cant drop the master sword when electrocuted ahaha nice

oops i dropped a lizalfos down there with the lynel....lmao maybe i better just go fight him before i fuck up anything else

ah no it's coming back on its own. well done

ok, got em

man, wouldn't it be just my luck if the blood moon rose NOW

tbh if it did i would have to abandon this entire thing, which i would, reluctantly, just so i wouldn't have to wait anymore

ooh god he saw me i was hopin for a sneak attack ;w;

ok here we go i guess!!

i did it!!!!

it actually wasn't that bad, tho it got a bit dicey a couple of times

so much of this game is like, your buffs and armor and weapons, i've had harder fights against weaker foes just bc i wasn't properly equipped

but learning to dodge and use my shield a bit better certainly didn't hurt

tbh it looks like most of what i wanna do requires rupees, so i should go farm some i guess!

boring, but you know

apparently i was wrong about the music in goron city and the gerudo areas and they ARE the classic tunes...i just didn't hear it??

AAAAH the satori mountains are glowing!!

;w; i caught him

what a freaky-lookin boy

i wish i could keep him!!

jesus fuck the blood moon came up and i idled at the screen without looking, god, the ONE TIME

i bet i'll never make it in time but i gotta try

dark link armor will make me move a BIT faster at night for what its worth but i dont even think i have revali's gale ready jfc

thank god i made it with just a few seconds to spare

yikes its lightning af outside so im gonna quit for now

——

aww tarreytown looks so cute so far!! i wanna build it up ;u;

lol i hate when you know a guardian is nearby and can't find it even tho i can fight them now my heartrate is still so jacked up

——

god the tarreytown sidequests are so pleasant and relaxing like

i havent felt so calm playing this game since...i don't think ever

and like, they talk about the yiga clan and the monsters outside

and if i were a person with more time i would write the cute genfic about how tarreytown gets put under seige but their location makes that hard and they fight off the bad guys

it's always sunny there!!! no matter the weather elsewhere :')

also i finally did break the hylian shield cleaning out the guardian room on maze island and i got a replacement there......for3k, but still

anyway im finding all the chests from the shrines i missed and one is in the plateau ): my heart

like, i can't believe i used to think this mountain was massive, this plateau was massive. it's so small compared to everything else. and so lonely ;_;

like, i miss it, weirdly, but i miss the version that had the easy enemies and the old man and where when i looked outside of the walls it was all very misty and i couldn't even comprehend the true size of this world

so: nostalgia, i guess

——

jesus FUCKING christ i went out to see the ranch ruins with epona and i got attacked by a guardian, a yiga clan member, and two silver bokoblins on horseback

FINALLY fought them off, terrified the entire time something would happen to epona, and i got attacked by three stal moblins

fought THEM off and there's a stal bokoblin on a stalhorse! but i can't catch it or ride it because of all times, the blood moon is rising!! j e s u s c h r i s t

now i've gotta get on my horse and get the hell out of dodge before those things come back to hurt her

i was thinking of a nice relaxing-if-sad trip before bed but no i gotta come back on FOOT to kill these guys AGAIN and then bring her back during the DAY so we can properly look around

who KNEW this would be so awful, jesus

okay update i did get on the stalhorse bc i have about 30 seconds to snap a cool pic (no way i can ride it out to whatever stable i need for the quest...even if i could leave epona here, it's much too long of a trip) but fucking hell dude

FUCK i took too long it rose epona and i are STILL HERE LMAO (((:

i didn't know if i should get on epona and ride for it or teleport to the stable and then board her

i teleported and it looks like she's still safe bc they boardered her ;_;

i took her back out and gave her a bunch of apples ;____; my poor brave girl

lol as if that wasnt enough its about to start lightning

ugh i'm coming back tomorrow and cleaning that place out good and fucking proper

i'd kinda like to do it tonight but it's already so late and i don't feel well and it would take a long time and also be a bit stressful probably

at least now i know where to find lots of stalhorses lol

although if you think about it they're there bc a lot of horses died

aaaaand i'm sad again

(super mad i didn't get pics on my in-game camera of the horse, but the snapchat pic i snapped of dark link riding it under the blood moon was still pretty damn cool)

——

w o w

i kinda wish i had been able to bring epona, but i couldn't—it's so dangerous here

but after clearing it out and actually getting to look around, uh

this is brick-for-brick the most faithful recreation of oot's lon lon ranch

and i am SO sad

ugh i just had to restart an entire shrine bc i dropped my korok leaf at the last second bc i was trying to open all the chests and i had to go back and get my good spear that i had to drop to get the korok leaf in the first room...but i needed the korok leaf to get back to the end!!!!!

i hate the weapons system in this game sometimes i won't lie like sometimes it's really good and sometimes it drives me bonkers

oh my fucking god lmao

i can't even RESTART the shrine bc the leaf was in a CHEST which is now empty. holy shit

like, that is NONFUNCTIONAL

they should have had a tools section for leaves and axes and shit i swear to fuck bc i always drop korok leaves as soon as i can bc i don't ever use them to sail and i have so little room and there's so many weapons...jesus christ

i made a huuuuuge list of everything i need to fully upgrade all my armor. it took hours but i think i did the math wrong

remember when i said i was never going back to eventide? well here i am! i'm farming bokoblin guts/general monster drops lol and i knew there were a bunch here :|

but i'm better armed now! so it should be a cakewalk

even red hinoxes don't give me much trouble these days. we'll see

sniped the upper camp no problem with some pretty basic bows. don't know WHY i sniped it, i could have fought them...

haha just kidding. yes i do

time to fight the hinox, i suppose

tbh this is giving me trauma flashbacks lol

duuuude theres a lil star by this hinox's name!!

does that mean the game keeps track of which i kill.......awhile ago the fang and bone guy said he wanted me to kill every hinox and i'm like "fffft yeah right like the blood moon wouldn't come up halfway through each and every try"

but maybe that doesn't matter O:

now i can use stamps to only mark hinoxes i HAVENT killed............interesting

unfortunately i've also been stamping lynels, and i'd hate to take stamps off just bc i'd killed something...man

i wish i had more kinds of stamps and the ability to USE more stamps, geez

i could kill all four moldugas first and see what he did before deciding if it was Worth It

this doesn't make me feel like a badass and i'm not actually getting any great drops. i just have war flashbacks and feel slightly creeped out and anxious. so i'm leaving

holy fuck i finally got the rubber armor and duuuuude it really is shock proof! i got struck by lightning and it knocked me off my feet but only took a quarter of a heart!!!

——

guess i should make a list of taluses, hinoxes, and moldugas i KNOW ive killed :|

it won't be comprehensive but i wanna keep track of it, sigh

i'm trying to farm bokoblin guts but this one area is like all these high up bridges and platforms and they ALWAYS fall so every time i have to fly down and climb back up :|

this place was from one of the coolest parts of the trailer though i really like it

i thought foolishly to knock them all off and then go down and get them. of course they'd despawned by then </3

——

I FOUND KASS IN THE RITO STABLE? HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS BACK HOME??

like tvtropes spoiled that for me i'll admit but im still cryin...hes so homesick!! he fulfilled a promise!!!! kass buddy i'm gonna clear those shrines for you ;_;

also update i get medals for killing all the things so ofc i gotta do that if i want 100%

i Dread the getting of the korok seeds i just dont know if i am Capable especially knowing there's no reward

like, i'm trying to get all the shrines done before i finish off the sidequests bc once i finish off the sidequests i am not gonna wanna play anymore, the story stuff and exploration stuff will mostly be over, my drive to keep going will drop dramatically, so like

gotta do the shrines first so i actually have time to WEAR the super cool armor i get

otherwise it would be sidequests, shrines, armor, but then no more playing lmao

——

I GOT IT AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL

I MAY NEVER WEAR ANYTHING ELSE

(thats a lie i gotta wear other stuff until i can get this upgraded bc the stats are so low...but its BEAUTIFUL)

——

i did all the stables so why won’t kass come see his daughters? ;_;

oh ok i had to go get the cache

AWWW BUDDY

he finally knows it’s me!! furthermore zelink #confirmed thank u nintendo this is probably the most overt it’s ever been tbh

——

finally fully upgraded my armor & i never wanna see another dragon again

they kept failing to spawn where they were supposed to and the only one who spawns reliably/is easy to hit/doesn’t send scales flying 100000 miles away is farosh, naydra and dinraal are absolutely horrible, naydra in particular has nowhere you can fast-travel to, you have to fast-travel to a nearby shrine and then walk a good distance no matter where you drop in at. naydra was also the most finnicky about showing up when she was supposed to

at least i figured out i can use a flame sword instead of fire arrows to light campfires

getting honey was pretty easy there’s a fuckton next to those hinox brothers and acorns are kinda everywhere

the beetles were a little more tedious but once i put them on my sensor not too bad...the worst part was turning beedle down every time he wanted one because he does a LONG speech that is SUPER annoying after the 100th time and you’re just trying to buy arrows

anyway im gonna go test the defense

surprise! lynels and guardians can still kick my ass!

everything else seems to fly right off me tho so that’s something

it’s been ages since any hinox or talus was able to put up a fight against me

i’ve still only killed about half of each tho like :/ damn they are everywhere & there’s sooo many

——

i’m lowkey wondering if i will attempt to 100% this game like i do Not look forward to getting all those fucking korok seeds, at that point it is no longer fun, yk, and the reward is so stupid

also i saw a video about having to visit every major named place on the map as well

and both of those things obviously guarantee that you see EVERY INCH of this huge and exapansive and beautiful world, but i feel like if i forced myself to keep going and doing it i would learn to hate the game a little bit lmao. lowkey feel like that’s adding fake hours onto your game for something that stop being fun and turns into absolute tedium, but i guess i can understand wanting to give completionist players a reason to see EVERYTHING

we’ll just see how i feel - i still have quite a few sidequests left, and while i don’t wanna burn thru them too quickly (bc again, after they’re over my interest will drop dramatically) i also still wanna fight the minibosses and upgrade as much of my armor as i am able to

but like, who the fuck has time to farm 160ish star pieces...? not me my dude and that mmo-type drop rarity is like :/ i disapprove, that’s like...cheating. but anyway. we’ll see how far i get

#/#//#///#////#/////#loz #botw spoilers #loz blogging

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pbandjesse · 4 years ago

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So my sleep schedule got all wacky. But I am hoping I fixed it at least a little. I could not fall asleep last night. I was just endlessly scrolling on instagram. At like 2am I decided to take a bath because I thought it would help. It was weird taking a bath at that time. It seemed really loud. But I had a candle and the water was really nice. I might do it again tonight honestly. When I was clean I went and put the dishes away and tried to just turn my brain off. But I really dont think I fell asleep until closer to 330. But I made myself wake up at 930. James came to say goodbye before that. And I was like half asleep. But I got up and knew I couldnt go back to bed. I am hoping it all settles out tonight and I can sleep better.

I had a nice day though. James had his double shift. But he made corn bread. So I had a piece of corn bread and a veggie sausage. I spent a lot of time just playing animal crossing today. James had made some parts of the island but I moved some stuff around to make it feel a little more polished. But still there is room for change! I just want a nice fall island.

I hung out and played for a while. And at 1130 I was like. I should go out. I was already dressed and felt pretty good. I braided my hair and headed to the savers.

It was an alright drive. The car is feeling weird and will probably need a check up soon. But I got out to the thrift store. And I had a nice time. I was excited to find my own shoes! That I had donated the other day! I love seeing my own stuff back on the shelves, it makes it feel like, the cycle is working. I got those shoes second hand, and now they are back for someone else! Very cool.

I was mostly there to look for camping plates. I ended up with 2 trays like what my parents would use with us when we would camp when I was a kid. I also found a plastic french press and an enamel bowl. Excellent. I also tried to find James some shoes. I ended up with some Vans knock offs? I hope he likes them. I also found some leather ll beans clogs to replace my bass ones that I wore to death. They are basically new and I am very pleased.

I wandered around for a while. But soon I paid and headed out. I went over to the joanns to see what their cheapest sewing machine was but they were all sold out and their cheapest was still almost $300. Gross. I still think I will try to get mine fixed, but James is going to try to figure out getting me his mom's old machine this week. I just want to work on my quilt! While I have time! But its okay. I will have time Im sure.

I left there and went over to the dollar store. Got a few more camping things and then walked across the shopping center to go to the home depot. I enjoyed walking around and bought plants.

I jumped back in the car and went over to the beauty supply store and got clippers to try to cut James's hair. I am nervous!! But he has faith that it will be alright so well attempt that. I had some laughs with the shop girls about how bad I did cutting his hair at the beginning of the summer. Hopefully it goes better this time.

I grabbed lunch and ate in my car. Enjoyed a podcast. And then I headed home.

I got back here around 2. I unpacked everything. Cleaned the dishes I bought. Packed things up. And then I was just. Chilling. I played more animal crossing. I had breadpudding and a piece of pizza for dinner. My tooth hurts really bad again. James is going to try to find us dentists this week. But tomorrow we are getting flu shots. So obviously we are the pinnacle of health.

I have been really tired, I think both because the bad sleep last night, but also because the sun is going down earlier. That is always hard on me. But hopefully it isnt to bad this year. Im going to try my best.

I am thinking about another bath. Because. I want to. And I think it will make me feel better? I deserve it?? And then maybe Ill just go to sleep.

I hope you all have a good night tonight. Take care of eachother. Goodnight!

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pbandjesse · 4 years ago

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Oh man I am tired. But today was so wonderful. I am so lucky to have my friend with me. And I have had so much fun with Jess its wild. We didnt even like. Do a ton. But it all felt so normal. I needed this.

We were all up real late last night. James and me stayed up together a little later talking. Which honestly was also needed. I miss him. We are both so busy again and its been hard just seeing eachother as we get ready for bed. It hurts you know? But we spent some time and that was good.

But i could have slept better. I forgot to turn my alarm off so I got woken up at 645 unexpectedly and that was upsetting. And then I had messages I couldnt go to sleep without answering. Like my brain wouldnt let me. But I was able to sleep another hour after that. So whatever.

Jess and James were already awake and dressed. Early birds. It took me a little longer to wake up fully. But once I did I felt pretty good. Jess drank her coffee and I made ice tea. And soon enough we were off!

We drove out to camp. The drive was nice but we saw an accident which thankfully wasnt serious. The trailor attached off a pick up truck flipped. But no one was hurt and we got out of there quick.

Showing camp off to Jess was a lot of fun. We went all around the figure 8 of camp. From art, to homestead, back up to the barns. It was fun. Jess is not an outdoorsy kind of girl, but she had grown leaps and bounds since weve met. And I was really proud of her. We had some really great conversations about mental health and what we are doing to be better people. We also saw a snake!

We pet the horses and walked back to art. Took a little hike in the woods. It was just so nice. And while it was humid it wasnt hot yet. It was just pleasant. Besides being just a little sweaty. But whatever.

We spent about a half hour working in the art building. Jess helped me bag all the clay I would need for monday and tuesday. Because she is excellent and the best. It would have taken me forever to do all that work. I cut clay and made balls while she put it in bags and kept count. It was excellent team work.

We decided to have lunch before we went to amazing glaze to paint pottery.

But I wasnt really sure where to go. I knew that there is that BBQ place James likes not to far, but we didnt want BBQ.

But we used it as a landmark. And Jess put it in the gps and we headed towards that. Which actually lead us to the amish market!

Which ended up being the perfect choice. It gave us a bathroom to use, and then we got so much candy and snacks. And I got deviled eggs and a pretzel and she got pasta salad and cheesey potatoes. And we both got donuts.I also got to get more gem fragments for my collection. And then we had a picnic in the car.

I was just having a blast though. It just feels so nice to have someone I fit with so well. It has been hard wearing masks so much and trying to give eachother space. And I wont lie and say weve been perfect. But we are trying.

We left and almost have some old man hit us who was driving crazy through the parking lot. But we were okay. Just scared me.

But we got to amazing glaze early. And no one else was there so we got the place to ourselves for most of the time there.

They took our temperatures. And the ways they are trying to make sure things are low contact, we couldnt touch the ceramics before we picked a piece, and they pour the paints for us. They also have baskets on our tables with all the tools we needed (except for a few that we would get later when needed), I felt really safe. We kept our masks on the whole time except to drink water. And honestly it was great fun.

We decided to go a little wild and do two pieces each. I did a bowl and a piggy planter, and Jess did a heart container like I did that one time and a little strawberry dish. And it was just so fun. I am really happy with my bowl and my pig came out so stinking cute. Im excited to see how Jess's heart container comes out because its a special fancy color that is closer to real glaze. So even though its purple and red right now, It was turn into a pinkywhite and a black with copper flecks. Amazing. And her strawberry drawing is so good! We got compliments by the girls who worked there.

We were there almost 3 hours. And it was great. I will go back next week to get them. I am very excited to see how they turn out.

We went over to the wholefoods after that. I wanted to buy a plant. And we got some juice. But we bought a blueberry bush! I am excited about it.

We got home and I was kind of beat. We played animal crossing for a while. There was a bug competition today and we played that together. But it was more frustrating then expected. So we just go the prizes we wanted (I really wanted the wand and Jess gave it to me when she won it) and finished up.

We had snacks and talked. Ordered pizza. I laid on the floor. We watched videos. And it was just really nice.

Our pizza came. It was excellent and I am excited that I will have leftover pizza for work. And tonight has just been really nice. But I am very tired. We both got showered. And now we are hanging out in the AC in the living room. I hope James comes home soon. I am ready to sleep.

I hope you all have a good night and the fireworks dont bother you too much. Its been going on here for hours now. You can kind of ignore it when your near the air conditioner but it is still really unsetting and I keep jumping. Its got me a little upset honestly.

Have a good day tomorrow everyone. Be safe out there.

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kaysmomma9210-blog · 7 years ago

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Heartbroken...pregnant...but moving on.

m fine. I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become. No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby. But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light. Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again. Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me. I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain. I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily. One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well. The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red. I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out. The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude. It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore. We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through. Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy. One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together. His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go. We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it. D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him. We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other. After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing. He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger. I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night. One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life. The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends. I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday. That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th. C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true. I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst. I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep burying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression. I just want to move on and be happy. Here's to another day...

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