#I fight with a lot of depression and executive dysfunction

[makoredeyes]

Cursed with one of the worst migraines I’ve had all year today and feeling really pretty fucking cranky about it.

[dogtoling]

General life- and blog update , since I assume at least a few people might have been wondering where I've been and what i've been up to recently. I obviously haven't been posting or drawing much this year in general. This will probably be an important post if you care about stuff on this blog, and I already rambled on Sheezy, but that site isn't very populated yet and it's also very good at hiding journals so let's just ramble again...

The summary of this post if you hate reading: I'm heavily considering just stepping away from Splatoon. That decision obviously would affect this blog (mostly, my OCs, which is kinda most of the blog at this point). I don't think the blog itself will go anywhere, and I'll probably use it for something in the future... alternatively i'll cherry pick stuff from here into an archive for people who like the worldbuilding.

Longer post under cut:

So what have I been up to this year? The answer is quite simple: NOTHING. Like, actually absolutely nothing. Aside from Art Fight, this has probably been one of my worst art output years of all time, which is really frustrating. That's between my horrendous mental health and depression chasms this year and a complete lack of both focus and inspiration (which can also get chalked down to the depression to a degree, yeah). So the very real reason to why there hasn't been much activity on this blog this year is because I just haven't Done Anything in general.

Now because I know there will be a few people who think "that's fine! you shouldn't judge yourself based on productivity!" you're right! I also agree. However the issue for me specifically is that most (if not all) the time I spend NOT drawing or creating, I spend sitting around wishing I could start drawing or creating, because that is like the 1 thing that keeps me sane on this freaking earth. Unfortunately coming up with OC scenarios in my head doesn't really result in output I can feel fulfilled by in any form as much as I wish it did, lol.

Now; The Issue. It doesn't take a genius to see that if you spend 9 months trying to finish like a dozen OC pages that you COULD do in a week or 2 if you wanted to, then there's probably more than just the problem of executive dysfunction (even though that's at least 60% of it for sure). Obviously my other major problem is that I live by imaginary rules and structures that make sense, but aren't actually useful at ALL in reality and are more than a hindrance if anything (the mental to do-list in my head that says i can't do X until I've done Y doesn't do very much if task Y takes 10 months and I also don't want to do it, and it also has no structured ending).

How does this tie into stepping away from Splatoon, you may ask. Well, the issue is that I have foreseeably fallen out of love with the series. Which isn't exactly news lol. Currently, I'm not even sure i will get the next game, if and when the time comes. Yes, the loss of interest is also expected, given that Splatoon 3 has ended and every fandom has this kind of downtime and lukewarm in-between-titles period. But the truth is that modern Splatoon (almost 10 years old!!!!) is tangibly different from the way the series was back when I fell in love with it. That was Splatoon 1, and while the series has improved in a lot of aspects and is thriving, it's grown in a direction that I just don't really like. Splatoon 3 had the most freaking horrendous, immersion breaking story mode they could've done, then they followed it up with a DLC story that was pretty cool but also compounded a lot of my fears about the series' future and played into every single thing i do not want Splatoon stories to be - fully character focused, random fucking villain, mundane event that's unrealistically world-threatening just because a kids video game needs a scary climax even though it's immersion breaking AGAIN, the whole thing taking place in cyberspace and thus offering basically no worldbuilding even though there is SO MUCH WORLD. I COULD GO ON.

The gist of it is that nowadays, rather than playing Splatoon and being inspired and excited at what comes next, I mostly find myself dreading what dumbass plot they will do next to throw a wrench in the otherwise good stuff. And when that's like THE main approach I have to what's supposed to be my favorite series, it is HARROWING. I can't even really blame the game for this; the story is NOT its selling point, the developers probably do their best to get the bits to us that they really want to tell, and at the end of the day the game is unfortunately a product. Worldbuilding for Splatoon is fun to a point. It's less fun when in order to actually write or create something coherent, instead of filling in the blanks, the blanks are 90% of the freaking thing. At that point you're just better off making something of your own instead of being anchored onto an IP that gives more problems than answers and occasionally shoots you with like a machine gun. Working in the realm of Splatoon is frustrating because more often than not, the questions I have ARE NOT MINE TO ANSWER, and the likelihood that the specific-ass questions I need answers to will ever be actually addressed is really low.

Tying this back to my OCs. Obviously I love my OCs more than I love myself which admittedly isn't that high of a bar but you get the point. The problem is that I spend a lot of time mulling over worldbuilding that, again, frankly isn't mine to do. Because if I want it to be Splatoon, then it should be mostly accurate to how Splatoon is! But the problem with that is that there's really not THAT MUCH worldbuilding in the series that you can work with, and most of the core game mechanics are just abstract enough that it's actually horrendous to try and come up with workarounds and ways for things to make sense that don't require just constructing a full knockoff version mirror dimension of the game and saying fuck everything that's in place here because Inkopolis Plaza literally has no roads in or out of there and I have no fucking idea how that's allowed when your only option is to jump the fence (or, nowadays, take the train which also isnt connected to a street as far as I remember). Between the face value issue and the lack of REALLY IMPORTANT worldbuilding, like - I will always come back to this - THE INK TANK'S FUNCTION 10 YEARS DOWN THE LINE - there's a goddamn ocean of plot holes and things that end up being obstacles to creativity rather than inspiration. I feel like I'm pretty solidly at the point (and have been for a while) where hanging onto Splatoon is really only contributing to creativity block and frustration with lack of freedom and the ability to actually do things.

So I guess those are my reasonings that I've put together just sitting here for the time being. The TL;DR is that I wish I could just do stuff without Splatoon's canon getting in the way, which is a really stupid problem to have if you're making Splatoon OCs. I feel this frustration extremely strongly every time I have to work with actual bigger aspects of the world; we still don't have an Inkopolis map, we don't know what the world around Inkopolis looks like, we don't know what the wilderness is like aside from Just Normal Forest and Desert and very few snippets as to what modern wildlife MIGHT be, I still don't know how the fuck the Inklings teleport to the goddamn arctic ocean to play a turf war at Shipshape Cargo co. These are all actually really important things if you're trying to establish a setting in any kind of storytelling that's outside of immediate city bounds (and even there, you need to know the layout of the city and its important areas). Also a fucking mutant bear and a baby salmon and a squid not wearing suitable gear went to space and fought on a rocket in space. These are some things that would give me peace of mind to not have to deal with in my own writing, probably.

So where do we go from here? Unsure. I haven't really made a decision on this front yet, though right now I'm leaning more towards actually going ahead with trying to do my own thing. That will result in obvious design and setting changes for my OCs whenever I get around to it. This blog probably won't go anywhere (again, unless I impulse delete it during a mood swing like i've almost done on like three separate occasions this year), but it will probably get less use, and I will probably end up making a new blog to post about whatever I end up doing once I get to a point where it feels like it makes sense. There's a chance that I will delete this blog and put all the interesting stuff on an archive blog for the people who are here just for the worldbuilding. My actual true passion for a long time now hasn't even been Splatoon anymore, it's just been cephalopods. I'm kind of done having Splatoon get in the way of the cephalopods, as thankful as I am that it introduced me to them...

If you read this to the end heres a treat for you = 🍪

[raqi-marr]

this isn't really a hdgpost so much as a reverse-hdgpost: when thinking about the issues inherent in the affini as a universal caretaker race and the way it centres the role of disabled people as basically 'to be taken care of', it got me thinking that like: if there was ever to be a "Human Domestication Guide 2" - not as in a HDG 2 set in the compact universe, but like, another setting that appealed to autistic disabled trans people - i think i'd like it to be more about how disabled people can help each-other and what they can do to survive in an ableist environment

like, i have a polycule now and i got said polycule because of the HDG community, and everyone in it is disabled in some way shape or form (also 4/5 of us are trans), so i naturally end up drawing comparisons between hdg. the thing is, i actually don't find that much representation for our group dynamic in hdg, because the whole thing is that our polycule has been us basically fighting the entire capitalist system to try and eke out both survival and happiness in circumstances where we're severely disadvantaged to do so. i get why it is that hdg doesn't represent us: hdg is about the wish fulfillment of "what if you didn't have to do all that shit." and that's fine! i don't mind that! what im saying is: i just wish there was kind of a 'HDG 2' that dealt with "ok but you do have to do that, here's a setting about trying to find some sort of meaning in that struggle"

personally i've found it incredibly life-giving and joyous, the way that a lot of us happen to have skills and resources that compliment the needs of other people. the one non-trans commune member is the stereotypical Guy In The Polycule Who Works, but he's also lonely and depressed and we function as basically his entire friend group, so for him, we're helping him out by providing very important companionship, and like, giving him something to live for other than wage slavery and a grind

meanwhile my beloved @dumtranskitty-3 who is the only other person i will namedrop since i talk about her plenty on here already has single-handedly made me so much less depressed and worn down since we started going out. my role in the commune is basically to run and organise the whole thing (mfw im a fucking manager) and the main challenge of that is not unaliving myself from anxiety to do with having to write multi-thousand word documents planning where we will flee to if X country descends into fascism and starts putting trans people in camps. i have the least executive dysfunction of everyone and make sure people take their adhd meds on time/remember to actually eat meals and not starve, but i will die of depression if left alone; which is where she comes in, in making me way less miserable

basically, i think the fact that a single affini can just Do Everything is kind of boring, and it's more fun to have a setting that explores the fact that like, you need different people for different things. irl no one can be an affini, no one can actually just do everything, every person has their own strengths and weaknesses, needs and resources; even disabled people

[ultimat3-lif3form]

i've been fighting executive dysfunction and depression lately but when i can, i make music. i hope to be 'popular' enough one day to be some sort of beacon of hope for other trans people. a lot of my music is about the trans or just lgbt+ experience. i want to scream at the top of my lungs that i am here and i want the shitty rich people in charge to have no choice but to look at me and acknowledge me. to acknowledge us. it's hard when everybody is screaming back that we don't deserve recognition but that's part of the reason that it will be so worth it, isn't it?

This right here. Make art. Make music. Make your mark on the world. It doesn’t have to be massive, it doesn’t have to be small. Let them know you are here. You’re here and you’ve always been here and you’re not going anywhere.

[emerystellar]

hii ^_^ i would appreciate if anyone could spare some change cuz i have a lot of expenses right now and i am barely stringing along. more context/sob story under the cut if you want but tl;dr car repairs, ubers to/from work, and food in the meantime

ways to support me:

redbubble ☆ i have quite a few things on there, including logos of my stuff and retro things like bowling alley carpet, i’m working on a pride collection of bowling alley carpets too!! and i have a lot more in the works :]

patreon ☆ four different tiers with varying perks, and near-daily updates on art projects, sneak peeks at redbubble designs, previews on music and even full songs weeks before they release- also recognition on youtube, my discord, etc etc!

donations ☆ these are quick links to all the major money sharing apps (cashapp venmo paypal), if you want to do zelle that requires my email (emery.nova7673@gmail.com)

bandcamp ☆ for as little as a dollar you can pick any of my currently released songs to get the highest quality download, which is equivalent to listening to it 34 times on spotify… so if you really like my music then own it for yourself here! you can also get 50% off literally anything with the code hungrypumpkin (since it’s helping me pay for food lol)

and if you can’t donate, pleaaaase reblog hopefully to reach someone who can- reblogs help wayyy more than likes in this case ^^

thank you all!!! you’re amazing and i hope you have a stellar day

poll for engagement:

okayyy umm hii… i’m a queer trans non-binary neurodivergent indie artist, teacher, and musician (to get all the demographic solidarity out there, i never know how to write these) and as of rn i’m having to pay my dad $1900 to fix my car’s transmission while ALSO paying anywhere from $100-150 a week on ubers to get to and from work since i have a residential tutoring job. while ALSO having to pay rent, bills, etc like normal. it fuckign sucks and i’ve literally been eating almost nothing except free handouts from college … it’s a nightmare and it weighs on me every day 😔

not only are most of the ubers a wild roulette on whether the car’s going to be super uncomfortable and make me nauseous, the driver being overpolitical and talking about super uncomfortable shit out of the blue and making me feel really unsafe, they’re often super fucking late and i can’t risk being late to work and it’s just all around not sustainable yayy!! and i also just learned i have depression from all this! which next to the rest of my melting pot of neurodivergence makes it Really goddamn hard to exist in a positive way!

when i’m not at work or school i am making as much content as i possibly can and pushing it out onto redbubble, patreon, etc. you will get more than your moneys worth in return from artistic content and stuff, that’s all i have to offer right now, because frankly commissions are extremely draining and take me SUPER LONG to finish- i don’t want you to have to fight through my executive dysfunction to get a finished piece that’s not fair to you and i want to make this as worth it as possible on the user end

if you want a specific goal, then right now, $350 for ubers for a month would help a lot but naturally give as much as you can because i need all i can get rn ^^; i’m lowballing it so it feels more achievable really but just ,, please anything helps lol

$0 / $350

thank you i love you all my gratitude is immeasurable and i just.. thank you for supporting me it helps more than you know

[queenofcarrotflowers-s]

I'm really struggling with my library job these days, and it makes me so sad. like, this was my literal dream job, at a library system I dreamed about working at since I was in high school, really. but I feel completely burnt out, depressed, and miserable here. I come home from work everyday and I'm too tired to do any of my actual hobbies or even my chores so I feel like I just dissociate for a few hours before going to bed and then start all over again the next day.

my library branch deals with a lot of traumatic things, nearly every single week. frequent drug overdoses, angry people screaming at us, fighting. one of my coworkers was physically assaulted (punched in the face) by a patron a couple years ago and management handled it rather poorly. I know we do a lot of good for our community and provide important services, but it doesn't alleviate the trauma that we deal with on the daily. and I don't feel like I'm able to fully serve my community in the way I want to when I'm feeling this burnt out and stressed.

my diagnosed-but-still-untreated ADHD/executive dysfunction issues make it difficult to prioritize tasks and get projects done, especially when I feel pulled in 500 different directions by my workplace's (frankly sometimes unreasonable) expectations. they keep piling more and more work on us without any substantial pay raises.

I just don't feel cut out for it anymore, and I don't know if "it" is just this branch, this library system, or being a librarian in general. but if I wasn't a librarian, I just don't know what else I would do. I don't know what I would be good at.

[labelleizzy]

When I say trauma causes mental illness symptoms, it’s probably important for me to explain what exactly trauma is. (If you would say, I don't have any trauma, then this explanation is especially for you.)

Trauma happens anytime our nervous system is overwhelmed. When we start a stress cycle and aren’t safe enough to finish that stress cycle, then the charge of that stress response gets stored in the body. Trauma is highly subjective - the same situation may be traumatic for one person and not traumatic for another.

Trauma is not what happens to us externally, it’s the internal impact of overwhelming experiences. Besides the emotional impacts, stored unfinished stress cycles in the body can create tension, fatigue, pain or numbness, which can be localized to where the trauma is stored or can affect the whole body.

Stored stress cycles can be re-activated by sensory experiences, thoughts, or emotions that remind us of the trauma. These are commonly called flashbacks.

Our stored stress cycles easily reactivate because they are seeking resolution - they are hoping it’s safe enough to finish the cycle now. But if its not safe enough to finish the stress cycle now, the charge gets stored again, and that is called re-traumatization.

When we feel unsafe, our nervous system responds with fight/flight, freeze, or fawn stress responses. To finish these cycles, our bodies need to allow the stress response to safely happen (instead of suppressing it) and then find safety again so that the cycle can be integrated.

Stress and trauma are cumulative. Our nervous systems are constantly analyzing whether or not we are safe right now, and stored trauma is one of the things that causes our bodies to feel like we are generally not safe. Sometimes our stored trauma is from a lot of small experiences rather than a big significant event that can be pointed to as obviously traumatic. Stored trauma can even be from things that didn’t happen such as unmet needs.

For Autistic and ADHD nervous systems in particular, we are at higher risk of trauma and the development of mental health symptoms because our hyper-connected neurons process more informational input, which often makes our bodies feel unsafe with scenarios that might feel perfectly safe to someone else.

I can confidently say that every mental illness symptom that is not a genetic trait is something that happens because of nervous system imbalance or injury, not disorder. I could break down which nervous system response is involved in which symptom for every mental health diagnosis. I won’t take the time for all of that but here are a few: mania is a sympathetic fight/flight type response, depression is a freeze/shutdown response, psychosis is a sympathetic and dorsal combination response, fugue states are freeze responses, executive dysfunction is often because of the freeze/shutdown response…

Our bodies use stress responses to try to maintain safety and homeostasis. We don’t always have the BIG version of these responses. Sometimes we have smaller versions like low grade anxiety, zoning out, feeling tired, or going on autopilot. Though symptoms of our stress responses can be unpleasant or even harmful, the purpose of them is protective.

Nervous system imbalance is a reasonable and ordered response to current or past unsafety. The symptoms of nervous system imbalance can cause social dysfunction and disability, but they are not evidence of any internal dysfunction. We evolved to respond to stressors with exactly the types of symptoms that are called disordered in the DSM.

When they say disordered what they really mean is that we do not have the neurology that capitalism expects from us. The overwhelming world causes our symptoms and then society blames us for them. I may not be able to do much to control the overwhelming world, but I can at least refuse to blame myself for normal responses to lack of safety.

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We talked about this topic in depth in my nervous system study group. I led 8 rounds of this group over 2 years. These study group sessions are now available to watch on your own schedule here:

https://traumageek.thinkific.com/courses/holistic-nervous-system-science-study-group-recordings

By Janae Elizabeth, aka Trauma Geek

[shrimpmandan]

Hey regular reminder I'm pro-self dx. Being anti-self dx is ableist and often also intersects with other -isms die to the fact that doctors (particularly in the West) love to not take the issues of minorities seriously and/or reflect biases based on gender.

You wanna make an argument about how "oh, but psychologists have studied this all their lives"? Sure. If they studied specific BRANCHES of psychology. A lot of psychologists honestly are only equipped for depression, anxiety, and life environment issues. Finding specialists takes fucking ages and more often than not is stupidly expensive. Do you wanna know how many trans specialists there are in my area that take my insurance, and are also knowledgeable in autism? Fucking none! So I'm self-diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I have been for the past 3 years.

My mom-- my 40 year old mom who has a BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY-- is self-diagnosed with DID. She was abused extensively by therapists for having a personality disorder, on top of deadass 10 other mental illnesses she was actually diagnosed with. You aren't mocking internet TikTok kids when you're mocking the self diagnosed. You're mocking those who were abused by the system, repeatedly silenced, railroaded onto medication they didn't need, and who found answers and solace when doing HOURS, and I mean HOURS of research into what they suspected to have on their own.

I'm not "self-suspecting" on if I have ADHD or PTSD. I have fucking literally experienced panic attacks, flashbacks, and fight or flight responses on a consistent basis. I've struggled with executive dysfunction and inattentiveness to the point I was misdiagnosed with depression. Shove that "oh you're just ~self-suspecting~" shit straight up your ass and have some damn empathy for those who are mocked by doctors for saying they think they're neurodivergent. Placed on actual placebo stimulants because they think people claiming to have ADHD are meth junkies. People who are told their symptoms are "just depression" and then are driven to suicide by SSRIs.

I'm not anti-psych by a wide, wide margin. But I cannot fucking stand the ignorance and arrogance of people who themselves don't know anything about psychology, who then try to bully and silence those who have fucking scoured every book and resource they can find just trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with them so they can move on with their lives-- whether this means self-acceptance, finding community, researching coping mechanisms, or for some but far from all, actually pursuing a professional diagnosis. Psychology is my special interest. I think I know more about it than the guy insisting that psychologists know everything about every disorder like it ISN'T a unique type of hell to find therapists who are at least knowledgeable of your entire psychological profile.

[presleyannn]

hi :) - 9.19.23

Hello, my name is Presley. I am 20 years old, and I am currently in my first semester of law school.

I am also extremely mentally ill. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression in the 9th grade, having dealt with suicidal ideation since the 5th grade. I am a suicide attempt survivor, and I have been on mood stabilizers ever since. I was also diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago.

Due to my mental health issues, life hasn't been particularly easy for me, especially when it comes to basic life skills like time management and the ability to accomplish basic tasks.

I finished at the top of my class in high school and kept a high gpa in undergrad simply because I am smart, not because I applied myself and worked super hard. I am a terrible procrastinator. My brain can only start working on something if there is an impending deadline, and even then I still struggle to do it.

As you might have already inferred, those habits don't fly in law school. In law school, you have one exam at the end of the semester worth 100% of your grade, built on ALL the material you learned throughout the semester (and you learn A LOT of material in law school). There is no way to cram right before your exam. You must manage your time wisely throughout the semester to stay on top of your work and ensure you have a good handling on the material before you move on.

I am currently struggling to do just that. I am six weeks in, and I am massively behind. Executive dysfunction is very real and it is crippling. I struggle with simply starting a task, and finishing it is a completely different beast.

My brain loves to hyperfixate on things, and 9/10 it is not the thing I need to be focused on. As a result, I will have a laundry list of things I need to do, but find myself unable to do them because I am only focused on that one thing.

However, my brain also says that I must get everything on my to-do list done before I can call it a night. Therefore, I will lose sleep and STILL not get anything done. I was recently awake for almost 48 hours because I told myself that I couldn't sleep until I checked off everything on my to-do list. By the time I finally gave in to exhaustion, I had yet to do anything on it.

It is also extremely difficult for me currently to perform even basic life functions. I've already missed several classes because I simply couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. When I do, I feel like I've run a marathon before I even walk out the door just from waking up and getting dressed. By the time I get out of class, all my energy has disappeared. It takes everything in me just to feed myself at least once a day (and I usually love to eat). When it comes time for me to do work, I am absolutely drained, and my work seems so overwhelming and unapproachable.

All of these things have caused me to be extremely behind on school work, and that is a difficult thing to sit with. Especially when you need to do well because you still have to graduate undergrad, and you have scholarships you need to keep.

It also doesn't help when everyone else around you seems to be well prepared and fighting for the top spot. It makes you begin to wonder if you're even cut out for it, even though this is something you want more than anything else in your life.

Please don't worry about me though. This isn't my first rodeo. I've been dealing with these issues for the past 8 years, it's just that the stakes are much higher right now. I am in therapy, I am taking my medicine, and I have a wonderful support system of family and friends. After everything I've been through, I believe in myself enough to say that I will make it out on the other side, and I will finish this semester strong. I'm just going through a rough patch :)

I am simply here because I would be writing these things down in my personal, private journal anyway, but I want to share them in hopes that they reach someone who needs them. I've made it my mission since I was finally diagnosed in the 9th grade to help break the stigma around mental illness and mental health issues. I want people like me to know that they are not alone in this, because I want to know the same. I also want them to know that feeling these feelings is nothing to be ashamed of and that it's okay to ask for help, because I would be six feet under right now if I had never realized that and gotten the help that I needed.

If you're going through some tough times, just know that I'm sending so much love your way and that I believe in you. You're doing awesome with the hand you were dealt! <3

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Me:

Also me but from today:

[thursdaynights]

This one isn’t getting stuck in the mud this year !

How boring it is to be sad at home. ☝🏽NTS: I am minimizing my own depression and that’s not helping anyone. One of my birthday resolutions is to not do this anymore. I would never do this to a friend so why am I treating myself like that? It’s the same way my parents treated me when I came to them with this and I don’t need to keep that up. I can treat myself to the same compassion I give freely to everyone around me. I can give myself the love I so easily pour out of my heart of literally everyone and everything else. Im allowed to have some of that, too. This depression is heavy but I’m not going to find a way out of this just looking in the spot my eyes land when my head is hanging.

My list of Birthday resolutions for the Sacred Age:

Start a religion

Amass at least 12 followers

Have one that’ll betray me

Upset the Romans

Get crucified

RISE AGAIN, HANDS AT THE READY.

Pay off my credit card debt ✅

Do better at not letting that pile up 👀

Start treating myself like a friend

Go to the doctor’s and get my stomach checked out

Solidify daily routine that will allow me to better manage my time.

Maybe start going to a gym to work out. Or take a boxing class. My favorite way to work out is when I am using my body for something that it would do naturally like hiking or getting into a fight. What I would lOVE to do is get into competitive wood cutting. And archery. I am pretty ok with a bow and even more solid with an axe. Recruit me.

With everything that has happened in the last couple months, I am very proud that I got the things done that I needed done like filing my taxes, updating my car registration, and updating my address on my license and voter registration as well as updating the addresses on all my bank accounts. I went to the dentist and got a clean bill of health, too. I know that may seem mundane for anybody else but I am somebody who becomes paralyzed if there are enough important feeling, time sensitive tasks on my to do list. It’s scary and I know it’s executive dysfunction rearing it’s head and it doesn’t make it any easier that the people I leaned on for advice in the past made me feel worse for asking them for help. To help avoid that being put down feeling (what eventually leads to the paralysis), I ripped everything off and did as much of it as I can by myself. Instead of relying on my dad and his CPA to file my taxes, I did it myself on HRblock and got the same return I got last year all for free.I had no idea my taxes were this easy to file. My dad has always made it seem like some boogeyman situation where if I did it wrong, I’ll immediately go to jail. But, I found it was pretty easy to do your taxes correctly and that if you’re trying to do some fucky shit, that’s the complicated bit and that’s on you- speaking on trying to justify deductions to get more of a return. I’m not out here trying to get back more than what I’m owed but I do understand filing your taxes can become more complicated If you have to report things like a mortgage payments or any expenses related to work or volunteering service, or if you’re anything other than a W2. Up to right now, that’s not me and I’ve never needed anything fancy in that regard. I was going through the flowery motions for no good reason. Same with my move, my dad has always been the one to provide a truck and some workers (reluctantly) whenever any of his kids needed to move, but I didn’t want to do that this time to avoid the feeling of being an obligation to him. I rented a truck myself and between me and the guy we hired, we had everything out of my apartment in one sweep. I made one trip to my new studio in less than two hours I paid 60 bucks for the truck, enjoyed the fuck out of driving the box truck myself 🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠, and returned it without issue. Moving expenses were at most 260 bucks.

There’s a lot more to get done and I am still very lost in this place. But, I’ve got my hands out now and I’m starting to feel my way around.

I need to remind myself of how much ground I’ve covered, though. From 2020 on it’s been nothing but a freefall.

I cannot disregard all of the movement I made between 2019 and now. It’s just hard to have a bookmark visible on that progress when my entire identity was leveled in 2022. 2022 was the repacking and leveling of a foundation that I will build on with plans of my own design. No more cookie cutter houses. No more following someone else’s idea for m y life. If I want to do something, I will check in with ((myself)) and move on that advice. I will seek professionals in the field I am drawn to and find mentors. Apply myself. I have a life to dedicate to something. I’d like to that be a life of learning about the world I live in. It’s a wonder and I find absolute joy in watching and learning how things exist together.

And trees. This bitch l o v e s trees. Im going to bring more trees in my life.

[that-ineffable-devil]

So me and the TTRPG crew were discussing options last night to maintain weekly meet up but only do tabletop every two weeks to give our DM a break so he can work on his depression and executive dysfunction, and one of the suggestions was "movie club" which is fine because I haven't seen a lot of movies.

But then they mentioned something called Underwater (I think) in reference to some eldritch horror shit and I was like NOPE NOPE NOPE.

And such a visceral reaction meant explaining, with much embarrassment, that I have some sort of weird fear about underwater stuff in movies and video games, but how it's not necessarily the WATER because I also experience the same visceral reaction to video games where I have to fly in open spaces. It's more akin to agoraphobia.

And they were like "But our TTRPG... We're on a ship? What's gonna happen if the ship starts sinking or you have to do underwater stuff?"

So I had to explain that I can do that because it's in my head and I can control what I see in there.

But that made even less sense to them.

Look, fellas, I don't know what to tell you. My brain is a dumbass. I've tried to train it and desensitize it but it reacts to these situations like a cornered, soaking wet raccoon at the bottom of a trash can who was abruptly awoken and is prepared to fight god or die trying.

[minicorruptspam]

Posting this here because I don't wanna vent on main

To be honest, I've been having a hard time lately.

My parents have been fighting left and right.

My siblings and I are terrified that our dad might get violent.

My mom tried to kill herself two weeks ago.

And now, I'm questioning my own mental health.

I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, Autism, and ADHD. But lately I've been wondering if there's something else.

I feel like something is wrong with me. Very wrong.

I nearly broke down and cried on a voice call because a friend of mine was having issues that I related to a lot. Is it selfish to say that?

I've never had problems with gender dysphoria and whatnot before, but I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore because I'm disgusted with myself.

Reasonably, I know I'm not ugly. To quite a few people, I'd probably be pretty attractive.

But now, all I see in the mirror is someone else.

That isn't me.

That's not my reflection.

Who the fuck is that, and why are they there instead of me?

Who is that hideous person in the mirror? Why have they replaced me?

I don't get it.

I've constantly been getting hurt too. I keep getting cuts, scratches, bruises, and such.

I'm not doing any of it on purpose.

Plus, I feel lazy.

Reasonably, I know I'm not lazy. It's likely just executive dysfunction. But I still feel so lazy.

I think I've created such an ideal version of myself in my head, that I've forgotten who I actually am.

I've forgotten that my real name isn't Kai or Mini.

I've forgotten that I'm not a guy.

I've forgotten what it was like to be a kid.

I feel like I've forgotten myself by chasing this ideal version of what I want to be.

I want to be Kai. I want to be Mini too.

I want to be a guy.

I want to experience that same childlike wonder that used to be behind my eyes when I was 7.

I want to be all of these things.

But realistically, I am none of those, and will never achieve those.

I hate my chest, but I love my curves.

I hate my face, but I love my body.

I hate my name, but I love my "nickname".

I hate who I am, but I love who I want to be.

I don't get it.

I've never dealt with this before.

Why do I hate myself so much?

Is something else wrong?

I wish I could go to therapy or get medication for my issues.

But I can't.

And I hate it.

I want to get help.

I want to be better.

I want to achieve that ideal me.

But I just can't.

Nothing in the area accepts our insurance.

No medicine in the past has worked for the issues they were supposed to help take care of, it only made me aggressive.

Is asking for a solution to my issues too much to ask for?

Am I selfish for wanting to feel better?

I don't know.

Guess I never will.

But at least I'm still here.

I'm struggling, but I'm alive.

I'm still living.

Just having a hard time keeping up.

Maybe we are all just playthings in this game of life.

But no matter how hard things get...

We keep on living.

I just have to keep going.

I'll just fake it until I make it.

Soon, I'll be able to achieve happiness.

Or at least something close.

I just have to keep going.

I'm so close to my goals.

I can feel it.

Just a little bit further, Kai.

Just a little bit further.

We can do this.

We can make it.

Just get back up and try again.

We're not giving up just yet.

[dex-starr]

Man what I would have given to fix things with you, I don’t think I’d stop myself for most things I’d give up. I just wanted time to adjust to it — that’s all I needed and that’s all that we don’t have an abundance of huh?

Sometimes it feels like the world is moving past me when I get that good ol adhd executive dysfunction that paralyzes me.

God the parts of me that I gave too though, things that I gave up on because you were worth more to me. Everything is fuzzy in my head now I don’t like all this uncertainty I have to live with and honestly I don’t know when it’ll finally have its way with me. I know I try to fight a lot, it may not seem that way but I have been fighting. Today while walking my dog at night the realization for just how long I’ve been dealing with all this stuff in my brain hit me. Like it’s one thing be autistic and have adhd but like depression as an added bonus because of this wiring? Dude that’s an unfair draw. I know I’ve just said fuck it we ball, but god damn I still wish it was actually a “we” and not a “me” or “I” in meaning

[chuuyas-exhausted-doll]

Mental Health Head Canons/ Observations of the BSD boys

So, I need a new hobby… I used to write fan fiction when I was younger, but I can’t concentrate long enough to write all that now lol So, I thought I’d try my hand at head canons instead. Some of these aren’t really head canons and more just observations, but this is the first time I’ve ever tried this, so I think it turned out okay.

Attention! I’ve only watched the anime and I’m only on season 3 so far. So if any of this is disproven somehow later on, I’m sorry.

-----------------------------------------------------

I’ve been thinking a lot about this since starting the series; the characters’ mental illnesses/disorders. And since I myself deal with mental illness, thought it would be a fun place to start.

Mental Health Head Canons/ Observations of the BSD boys

Ft. Dazai, Akutagawa, Chuuya, Kunikida and Atsushi

Dazai

(Some of this is pretty obvious I think.

Dazai is pretty easy to read to me,

especially when it comes to his mental

health)

• Dazai isn’t lazy; he has executive dysfunction due to depression

• Dazai uses humor to cover up and deal with his crippling depression

• Dazai self harms to try to feel something

• Dazai covers up his scars with his bandages to make others more comfortable

• Dazai always did really care about being a good or bad person, but his depression made him think he had no choice

Akutagawa

• Akutagawa hates baths because of mental health issues; depression and anxiety

• Akutagawa acts like he needs no one from abandonment and trust issues; partially due to Dazai

• Akutagawa is angry all the time because of his depression and anxiety

• Akutagawa has anxiety due to the way Dazai treated him when he was younger

• Akutagawa has C-PTSD from his childhood

Chuuya

• Chuuya’s anger is to cover up his feelings of disappointment, grief and loneliness

• Chuuya drinks to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay

• Chuuya has high functioning depression; he seems fine, but is dealing with feelings of emptiness internally

• Chuuya works so hard because he doesn’t feel worthy of love or respect if he doesn’t

• Chuuya has an inferiority complex that he covers up from not feeling fully human; this is why he’s so defensive when it comes to his height

Kunikida

• Kunikida’s perfectionism is because of all the flaws and imperfections he thinks he has and is trying to make up for

• Kunikida tries to be the leader all the time to prove to himself he’s worthy of Fukuzawa’s respect

• Kunikida has OCD; he can’t deviate from his schedule or it’s “bad,” everything must be perfect, has to do things in a certain order, etc.

• Kunikida has high functioning anxiety; perfectionism is a sign of this as well. Triggered the OCD

• Kunikida has a hero complex; he always has to be the morally right one in the situation

Atshushi

• Atshushi tries to please everyone due to abandonment issues and thinking he’s not enough

• Atsushi is overly nice to people because everyone was so unkind to him when he was younger

• Atsushi fights with Akutagawa to get out the pent up anger he won’t let himself feel any other time

• Atsushi has an inferiority complex that he struggles to cover up

• Atsushi looks to praise from Dazai because Dazai is the first one to tell him he’s worthy

------------------------------------------------------

Kinda short for this one, but if you made it all the way through, thank you! Let me know what you think. I haven’t written anything in ages so I need opinions.

Also, any requests/suggestions for other ideas are welcomed. Only for BSD at the moment, if you don’t mind. Thank you! ❤️

[1d-trashcan]

hello!!

i was just going through your blog and you have mentioned a anxiety disorder a few times, i do not really know anything about it so if you want to please educate me on this concept, if you dont wanna its all good. just know i am here if u wanna talk any time :)))))))))

HI!! I absolutely wanna educate you, thanks for asking :) This is suuuper long though, I'm so sorry :´(

There's a few anxiety disorders out there but the most common ones are social anxiety disorder or panic disorder, and then there's GAD which is short for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have GAD.

Stress and anxiety is an evolutional response to danger more commonly known as fight or flight, which is the sympathetic nervous system being activated. GAD is the body being stuck in fight or flight mode, whereas social anxiety, for instance, generally means that the sympathetic nervous system kicks in in social environments (like a phone call or meeting a person).

GAD, usually presents as excessive worry about anything and everything. My grandmother will cough and my brain will think "she has lung cancer and she's dying". When I didn't know I was ill I was basically living in a nightmare. I've had a lot of therapy so nowadays I can identify it as an anxiety thought and ignore it. Some days I can't shake them, and those days are just bad anxiety days. And I can either power through it or I can take anxiety medication, but I can't work on those because they make me really drowsy.

You can develop GAD at any age, really. All it takes is being under extreme stress for a period of time, I think the criteria is like 6 months or something. There are differential diagnoses like chronic fatigue syndrome, ADHD/ADD, bipolar disorder and clinical depression that have to be excluded that early on, though. It's fairly easy to treat if caught early. It's hell, but they'll most likely have you on antidepressants and or something that helps you sleep and give you therapy. Therapy will help you deal with your triggers through cognitive behavioural therapy, exposure therapy (where you're literally exposed to your trigger/fear in a controlled environment) and that will in theory treat the disorder. You're never gonna remove anxiety because it's a survival instinct, but you're basically telling your brain that it's overreacting, and if you get help early you can actually be cured.

I have GAD because I was bullied between ages 10-16, and there's also a probability that my parents' divorce started the whole thing. The problem was that I didn't get proper help until I was 19 and I didn't even meet with a psychiatrist until I was 25 (I'm 29 now). I'm never gonna be cured, we're basically just looking for ways to help me live WITH my anxiety. I just have too many triggers and my body is too used to being in this state that there's currently no way of fixing it.

GAD sometimes comes with executive dysfunction which is where you just physically can't do things. It's a very common ADHD symtom as well. You know you need to do it but you can't, and it essentially becomes a handicap. My most common triggers for executive dysfunction is school work of any kind, opening my mail or important phone calls. In Sweden this is actually recognized as a handicap, which means that I can get help faster. But I have to make the call, which I can't do because of my anxiety so idk how foolproof that safeguard is. I'm on sick leave right now because of extreme stress (it could be chronic fatigue syndrom, but it's too early to tell rn) and now my executive dysfunction is everywhere, so like showering, cleaning my flat or making food is extremely tough and usually doesn't happen, so I have to take shortcuts (like eating at my parents' house, not washing my entire body and only cleaning small parts of my flat a a time).

Apart from being afraid anxiety triggers a lot of physical responses in your body because it is designed to keep us alive. If you have social anxiety you might have issues with your stomach (like stress pooping or nausea) when you have to engage with others or even, like, ride a train. GAD patiens almost always have chronic IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and muscle pains because our bodies are constantly preparing for flight. I have really bad chronic muscle pain in my neck and upper back which leads to tension headaches. So on any given day, I'd rate my pain at a 5, and that's just. A thing I have to live with.

Physical activity generally alleviates the pain and the endorphins from workout are really beneficial but you can't exercise GAD away. It's just something that helps.

I'm on a high dose of antidepressants, antihistamines to make me sleep and quetiapine/seroquel, which is a mood stabiliser that basically reduces my executive dysfunction, and my medication is always gonna change depending on what my life looks like. Realistically I'm always gonna be on some form of antidepressant. I'm on SNRI's, which control the serotonin and noradrenaline in my brain.

Naturally, my serotonin is really low and my noradrenaline is really high, but in a healthy person the serotonin is high and the noradrenaline is low. The body typically restores the serotonin/noradrenaline levels during sleep, but my brain does the exact opposite so I just have extreme anxiety during the night, which is why I'm on medication to sleep bc otherwise I a) don't sleep and b) have terrible nightmares. I still have those nightmares, but the antihistamine I'm on is a muscle relaxant as well as an anxiety medication so it helps calm me down so I don't really remember my nightmares and it reduces my muscle pain by quite a bit. I still have bad nights that lead to bad days when I'm in a lot of pain. I sleep in a fetal position and tense up at night and I have a weighted blanket to help me relax so during those bad days I have trouble walking becausec my hip muscles are locked.

I think i basically covered everything. There's a lot more to it if you have any questions. I'm super open about this, and have been since I started therapy when I was 19 because I literally did not know I was sick until I was 17 and it took another two years to understand just how bad it was so I like to be as vocal as possible so people might find out and get help.

I'm SO SORRY for this long ass post though.

[thamepo]

Hi, MJ, just saw your notes about being neurodivergent and mental health and trying, and i just wanted to add to that. I’m not autistic but I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since i was a teen and only just recently found out, in my early 40s, that what i thought my whole adult life was just me being LAZY and UNMOTIVATED and GENERALLY BAD AT ADULTING is probably me having executive dysfunction. I mean, i’m still a procrastinator at heart, but when i can’t bring myself to do THE THING even though i know i HAVE TO DO THE THING and every moment i spend NOT DOING THE THING fills me with anxiety? That’s my brain fucking me over.

I’m a public servant and my department has been very big on mental health since COVID and mandatory telework. But the message is always the same : you gotta eat well, sleep well and exercise. Like it’s that easy, like self-care doesn’t take a huge amount of effort when your brain doesn’t want to cooperate. Doing anything is hard for me because i have zero motivation and i can’t relate at all to things like Being Disciplined and Feeling Accomplished. Even things i enjoy! I’m behind on series i want to watch because i just can’t bring myself to press play and sit there and watch. So i rewatch the same series over and over again.

So my self-care is doing my best and trying not to compare myself to others. I get my work done on time (even if sometimes i have to get up earlier because i wasn’t productive the day before), i shower at least twice a week, i eat a vegetable a day. I pay my bills and my taxes. I vote. I’m not a danger to myself and/or to others. I’m alive. I’m alive. So if it takes me a week to unload the dishwasher and to load it up again with the week’s worth of dirty dishes, if i never fold my laundry, if i buy soup instead of cooking for myself, who the fuck cares?

Neurotypicals don’t get it, they don’t understand why we can’t just DO THE THING (like my dad, who loves me very much, but does not understand why i can’t just ‘cheer myself up’ when i ‘feel sad’). They don’t understand that in order to implement the tools (clean eating! sleep! exercise!) that might help us cope we need to have the motivation and the energy and the resources (therapy is fucking expensive!) to even try to make the effort. ‘It’s not that hard’ YES IT FUCKING IS.

So i just wanted to say, i see you, i understand your struggles, they are valid and so are you. I hope the people around you appreciate you and your efforts. I hope YOU appreciate you. Because you rock. Sending you lots of love. 💖

hello friend!!! i feel you. i suffer of severe executive dysfunction and honestly it just keeps getting worse which consequently makes me even more anxious 😩😩

exactly!!! eating well, sleeping well and exercising can definitely help you improve but when your brain simply refuses to do those tasks, it’s hell. and honestly, people who don’t live in a constant fight against their own brains have NO idea how it is. only the ones who know the struggle know what it takes to do the most basic things.

beloved :( i understand your struggles. i know i’m just a stranger running a silly little blog on tumblr dot com but i really do understand. i can motivate myself with fiction sometimes but real life? it’s just not for me and some days i feel so lost and yet so overwhelmed by how lost i feel, that it sends me into deep depressive episodes. i mean, i’m not clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety but fuck if i haven’t struggled with those bitches my entire life.

(i have been thinking of getting a diagnosis and i thought about asking my dad for some financial help and you know what my mom said to me, “don’t even bother, he thinks you’re faking it”. i mean, not surprised at all but still a little disappointed.)

and you’re doing great!!! read this very carefully: YOU ARE DOING FUCKING AWESOME!!! you’re taking care of yourself and doing things at your own pace and you’re alive and not harming others. that’s just so so so much!!! and i’m proud of you for moving forward despite all the hardships!!!!

oh parents. they might love us but they rarely understand us. and that’s okay i guess. but don’t let that get to you. only YOU know what your brain can and can’t do. it is also NOT your fault that you have limitations, okay?? everyone does!!! we just happen to have more. but you’re not unlovable or a terrible person!!

you’re soooo right!! therapy and diagnoses are ridiculously expensive. at the end of the day, we’re usually alone carrying this massive invisible weight. and nobody can see how hard we try and how much it takes from us!!! sometimes being alive hurts and staying alive is the best we can do but we are still here!! despite everything that nobody gives us credit for. we are still here!!! i still need to work on my self love and acceptance but i don’t take it lightly how much i try to do things and i do appreciate the fact that i’m alive.

thank you SO much for reading my tags, for reaching out and sharing your experiences with me. you are incredible and i wholeheartedly mean this!

i tend to feel very lonely because most people around me don’t really understand me. it’s such an alienating feeling, sometimes it’s like i’m drowning in it. but i also know i’m not the only one who feels like this and your message does comfort me in that way.

so thank you SOOOOO much!!!! sending you lots and lots and lots of love right back!!!! and that you’re able to feel it across the distance between us and have a great week!!!!! ❤️💙