#I fight with a lot of depression and executive dysfunction

[makoredeyes]

Cursed with one of the worst migraines I’ve had all year today and feeling really pretty fucking cranky about it.

[dogtoling]

General life- and blog update , since I assume at least a few people might have been wondering where I've been and what i've been up to recently. I obviously haven't been posting or drawing much this year in general. This will probably be an important post if you care about stuff on this blog, and I already rambled on Sheezy, but that site isn't very populated yet and it's also very good at hiding journals so let's just ramble again...

The summary of this post if you hate reading: I'm heavily considering just stepping away from Splatoon. That decision obviously would affect this blog (mostly, my OCs, which is kinda most of the blog at this point). I don't think the blog itself will go anywhere, and I'll probably use it for something in the future... alternatively i'll cherry pick stuff from here into an archive for people who like the worldbuilding.

Longer post under cut:

So what have I been up to this year? The answer is quite simple: NOTHING. Like, actually absolutely nothing. Aside from Art Fight, this has probably been one of my worst art output years of all time, which is really frustrating. That's between my horrendous mental health and depression chasms this year and a complete lack of both focus and inspiration (which can also get chalked down to the depression to a degree, yeah). So the very real reason to why there hasn't been much activity on this blog this year is because I just haven't Done Anything in general.

Now because I know there will be a few people who think "that's fine! you shouldn't judge yourself based on productivity!" you're right! I also agree. However the issue for me specifically is that most (if not all) the time I spend NOT drawing or creating, I spend sitting around wishing I could start drawing or creating, because that is like the 1 thing that keeps me sane on this freaking earth. Unfortunately coming up with OC scenarios in my head doesn't really result in output I can feel fulfilled by in any form as much as I wish it did, lol.

Now; The Issue. It doesn't take a genius to see that if you spend 9 months trying to finish like a dozen OC pages that you COULD do in a week or 2 if you wanted to, then there's probably more than just the problem of executive dysfunction (even though that's at least 60% of it for sure). Obviously my other major problem is that I live by imaginary rules and structures that make sense, but aren't actually useful at ALL in reality and are more than a hindrance if anything (the mental to do-list in my head that says i can't do X until I've done Y doesn't do very much if task Y takes 10 months and I also don't want to do it, and it also has no structured ending).

How does this tie into stepping away from Splatoon, you may ask. Well, the issue is that I have foreseeably fallen out of love with the series. Which isn't exactly news lol. Currently, I'm not even sure i will get the next game, if and when the time comes. Yes, the loss of interest is also expected, given that Splatoon 3 has ended and every fandom has this kind of downtime and lukewarm in-between-titles period. But the truth is that modern Splatoon (almost 10 years old!!!!) is tangibly different from the way the series was back when I fell in love with it. That was Splatoon 1, and while the series has improved in a lot of aspects and is thriving, it's grown in a direction that I just don't really like. Splatoon 3 had the most freaking horrendous, immersion breaking story mode they could've done, then they followed it up with a DLC story that was pretty cool but also compounded a lot of my fears about the series' future and played into every single thing i do not want Splatoon stories to be - fully character focused, random fucking villain, mundane event that's unrealistically world-threatening just because a kids video game needs a scary climax even though it's immersion breaking AGAIN, the whole thing taking place in cyberspace and thus offering basically no worldbuilding even though there is SO MUCH WORLD. I COULD GO ON.

The gist of it is that nowadays, rather than playing Splatoon and being inspired and excited at what comes next, I mostly find myself dreading what dumbass plot they will do next to throw a wrench in the otherwise good stuff. And when that's like THE main approach I have to what's supposed to be my favorite series, it is HARROWING. I can't even really blame the game for this; the story is NOT its selling point, the developers probably do their best to get the bits to us that they really want to tell, and at the end of the day the game is unfortunately a product. Worldbuilding for Splatoon is fun to a point. It's less fun when in order to actually write or create something coherent, instead of filling in the blanks, the blanks are 90% of the freaking thing. At that point you're just better off making something of your own instead of being anchored onto an IP that gives more problems than answers and occasionally shoots you with like a machine gun. Working in the realm of Splatoon is frustrating because more often than not, the questions I have ARE NOT MINE TO ANSWER, and the likelihood that the specific-ass questions I need answers to will ever be actually addressed is really low.

Tying this back to my OCs. Obviously I love my OCs more than I love myself which admittedly isn't that high of a bar but you get the point. The problem is that I spend a lot of time mulling over worldbuilding that, again, frankly isn't mine to do. Because if I want it to be Splatoon, then it should be mostly accurate to how Splatoon is! But the problem with that is that there's really not THAT MUCH worldbuilding in the series that you can work with, and most of the core game mechanics are just abstract enough that it's actually horrendous to try and come up with workarounds and ways for things to make sense that don't require just constructing a full knockoff version mirror dimension of the game and saying fuck everything that's in place here because Inkopolis Plaza literally has no roads in or out of there and I have no fucking idea how that's allowed when your only option is to jump the fence (or, nowadays, take the train which also isnt connected to a street as far as I remember). Between the face value issue and the lack of REALLY IMPORTANT worldbuilding, like - I will always come back to this - THE INK TANK'S FUNCTION 10 YEARS DOWN THE LINE - there's a goddamn ocean of plot holes and things that end up being obstacles to creativity rather than inspiration. I feel like I'm pretty solidly at the point (and have been for a while) where hanging onto Splatoon is really only contributing to creativity block and frustration with lack of freedom and the ability to actually do things.

So I guess those are my reasonings that I've put together just sitting here for the time being. The TL;DR is that I wish I could just do stuff without Splatoon's canon getting in the way, which is a really stupid problem to have if you're making Splatoon OCs. I feel this frustration extremely strongly every time I have to work with actual bigger aspects of the world; we still don't have an Inkopolis map, we don't know what the world around Inkopolis looks like, we don't know what the wilderness is like aside from Just Normal Forest and Desert and very few snippets as to what modern wildlife MIGHT be, I still don't know how the fuck the Inklings teleport to the goddamn arctic ocean to play a turf war at Shipshape Cargo co. These are all actually really important things if you're trying to establish a setting in any kind of storytelling that's outside of immediate city bounds (and even there, you need to know the layout of the city and its important areas). Also a fucking mutant bear and a baby salmon and a squid not wearing suitable gear went to space and fought on a rocket in space. These are some things that would give me peace of mind to not have to deal with in my own writing, probably.

So where do we go from here? Unsure. I haven't really made a decision on this front yet, though right now I'm leaning more towards actually going ahead with trying to do my own thing. That will result in obvious design and setting changes for my OCs whenever I get around to it. This blog probably won't go anywhere (again, unless I impulse delete it during a mood swing like i've almost done on like three separate occasions this year), but it will probably get less use, and I will probably end up making a new blog to post about whatever I end up doing once I get to a point where it feels like it makes sense. There's a chance that I will delete this blog and put all the interesting stuff on an archive blog for the people who are here just for the worldbuilding. My actual true passion for a long time now hasn't even been Splatoon anymore, it's just been cephalopods. I'm kind of done having Splatoon get in the way of the cephalopods, as thankful as I am that it introduced me to them...

If you read this to the end heres a treat for you = 🍪

[emerystellar]

hii ^_^ i would appreciate if anyone could spare some change cuz i have a lot of expenses right now and i am barely stringing along. more context/sob story under the cut if you want but tl;dr car repairs, ubers to/from work, and food in the meantime

ways to support me:

redbubble ☆ i have quite a few things on there, including logos of my stuff and retro things like bowling alley carpet, i’m working on a pride collection of bowling alley carpets too!! and i have a lot more in the works :]

patreon ☆ four different tiers with varying perks, and near-daily updates on art projects, sneak peeks at redbubble designs, previews on music and even full songs weeks before they release- also recognition on youtube, my discord, etc etc!

donations ☆ these are quick links to all the major money sharing apps (cashapp venmo paypal), if you want to do zelle that requires my email (emery.nova7673@gmail.com)

bandcamp ☆ for as little as a dollar you can pick any of my currently released songs to get the highest quality download, which is equivalent to listening to it 34 times on spotify… so if you really like my music then own it for yourself here! you can also get 50% off literally anything with the code hungrypumpkin (since it’s helping me pay for food lol)

and if you can’t donate, pleaaaase reblog hopefully to reach someone who can- reblogs help wayyy more than likes in this case ^^

thank you all!!! you’re amazing and i hope you have a stellar day

poll for engagement:

okayyy umm hii… i’m a queer trans non-binary neurodivergent indie artist, teacher, and musician (to get all the demographic solidarity out there, i never know how to write these) and as of rn i’m having to pay my dad $1900 to fix my car’s transmission while ALSO paying anywhere from $100-150 a week on ubers to get to and from work since i have a residential tutoring job. while ALSO having to pay rent, bills, etc like normal. it fuckign sucks and i’ve literally been eating almost nothing except free handouts from college … it’s a nightmare and it weighs on me every day 😔

not only are most of the ubers a wild roulette on whether the car’s going to be super uncomfortable and make me nauseous, the driver being overpolitical and talking about super uncomfortable shit out of the blue and making me feel really unsafe, they’re often super fucking late and i can’t risk being late to work and it’s just all around not sustainable yayy!! and i also just learned i have depression from all this! which next to the rest of my melting pot of neurodivergence makes it Really goddamn hard to exist in a positive way!

when i’m not at work or school i am making as much content as i possibly can and pushing it out onto redbubble, patreon, etc. you will get more than your moneys worth in return from artistic content and stuff, that’s all i have to offer right now, because frankly commissions are extremely draining and take me SUPER LONG to finish- i don’t want you to have to fight through my executive dysfunction to get a finished piece that’s not fair to you and i want to make this as worth it as possible on the user end

if you want a specific goal, then right now, $350 for ubers for a month would help a lot but naturally give as much as you can because i need all i can get rn ^^; i’m lowballing it so it feels more achievable really but just ,, please anything helps lol

$0 / $350

thank you i love you all my gratitude is immeasurable and i just.. thank you for supporting me it helps more than you know

[queenofcarrotflowers-s]

I'm really struggling with my library job these days, and it makes me so sad. like, this was my literal dream job, at a library system I dreamed about working at since I was in high school, really. but I feel completely burnt out, depressed, and miserable here. I come home from work everyday and I'm too tired to do any of my actual hobbies or even my chores so I feel like I just dissociate for a few hours before going to bed and then start all over again the next day.

my library branch deals with a lot of traumatic things, nearly every single week. frequent drug overdoses, angry people screaming at us, fighting. one of my coworkers was physically assaulted (punched in the face) by a patron a couple years ago and management handled it rather poorly. I know we do a lot of good for our community and provide important services, but it doesn't alleviate the trauma that we deal with on the daily. and I don't feel like I'm able to fully serve my community in the way I want to when I'm feeling this burnt out and stressed.

my diagnosed-but-still-untreated ADHD/executive dysfunction issues make it difficult to prioritize tasks and get projects done, especially when I feel pulled in 500 different directions by my workplace's (frankly sometimes unreasonable) expectations. they keep piling more and more work on us without any substantial pay raises.

I just don't feel cut out for it anymore, and I don't know if "it" is just this branch, this library system, or being a librarian in general. but if I wasn't a librarian, I just don't know what else I would do. I don't know what I would be good at.

[labelleizzy]

When I say trauma causes mental illness symptoms, it’s probably important for me to explain what exactly trauma is. (If you would say, I don't have any trauma, then this explanation is especially for you.)

Trauma happens anytime our nervous system is overwhelmed. When we start a stress cycle and aren’t safe enough to finish that stress cycle, then the charge of that stress response gets stored in the body. Trauma is highly subjective - the same situation may be traumatic for one person and not traumatic for another.

Trauma is not what happens to us externally, it’s the internal impact of overwhelming experiences. Besides the emotional impacts, stored unfinished stress cycles in the body can create tension, fatigue, pain or numbness, which can be localized to where the trauma is stored or can affect the whole body.

Stored stress cycles can be re-activated by sensory experiences, thoughts, or emotions that remind us of the trauma. These are commonly called flashbacks.

Our stored stress cycles easily reactivate because they are seeking resolution - they are hoping it’s safe enough to finish the cycle now. But if its not safe enough to finish the stress cycle now, the charge gets stored again, and that is called re-traumatization.

When we feel unsafe, our nervous system responds with fight/flight, freeze, or fawn stress responses. To finish these cycles, our bodies need to allow the stress response to safely happen (instead of suppressing it) and then find safety again so that the cycle can be integrated.

Stress and trauma are cumulative. Our nervous systems are constantly analyzing whether or not we are safe right now, and stored trauma is one of the things that causes our bodies to feel like we are generally not safe. Sometimes our stored trauma is from a lot of small experiences rather than a big significant event that can be pointed to as obviously traumatic. Stored trauma can even be from things that didn’t happen such as unmet needs.

For Autistic and ADHD nervous systems in particular, we are at higher risk of trauma and the development of mental health symptoms because our hyper-connected neurons process more informational input, which often makes our bodies feel unsafe with scenarios that might feel perfectly safe to someone else.

I can confidently say that every mental illness symptom that is not a genetic trait is something that happens because of nervous system imbalance or injury, not disorder. I could break down which nervous system response is involved in which symptom for every mental health diagnosis. I won’t take the time for all of that but here are a few: mania is a sympathetic fight/flight type response, depression is a freeze/shutdown response, psychosis is a sympathetic and dorsal combination response, fugue states are freeze responses, executive dysfunction is often because of the freeze/shutdown response…

Our bodies use stress responses to try to maintain safety and homeostasis. We don’t always have the BIG version of these responses. Sometimes we have smaller versions like low grade anxiety, zoning out, feeling tired, or going on autopilot. Though symptoms of our stress responses can be unpleasant or even harmful, the purpose of them is protective.

Nervous system imbalance is a reasonable and ordered response to current or past unsafety. The symptoms of nervous system imbalance can cause social dysfunction and disability, but they are not evidence of any internal dysfunction. We evolved to respond to stressors with exactly the types of symptoms that are called disordered in the DSM.

When they say disordered what they really mean is that we do not have the neurology that capitalism expects from us. The overwhelming world causes our symptoms and then society blames us for them. I may not be able to do much to control the overwhelming world, but I can at least refuse to blame myself for normal responses to lack of safety.

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We talked about this topic in depth in my nervous system study group. I led 8 rounds of this group over 2 years. These study group sessions are now available to watch on your own schedule here:

https://traumageek.thinkific.com/courses/holistic-nervous-system-science-study-group-recordings

By Janae Elizabeth, aka Trauma Geek

[chuuyas-exhausted-doll]

Mental Health Head Canons/ Observations of the BSD boys

So, I need a new hobby… I used to write fan fiction when I was younger, but I can’t concentrate long enough to write all that now lol So, I thought I’d try my hand at head canons instead. Some of these aren’t really head canons and more just observations, but this is the first time I’ve ever tried this, so I think it turned out okay.

Attention! I’ve only watched the anime and I’m only on season 3 so far. So if any of this is disproven somehow later on, I’m sorry.

-----------------------------------------------------

I’ve been thinking a lot about this since starting the series; the characters’ mental illnesses/disorders. And since I myself deal with mental illness, thought it would be a fun place to start.

Mental Health Head Canons/ Observations of the BSD boys

Ft. Dazai, Akutagawa, Chuuya, Kunikida and Atsushi

Dazai

(Some of this is pretty obvious I think.

Dazai is pretty easy to read to me,

especially when it comes to his mental

health)

• Dazai isn’t lazy; he has executive dysfunction due to depression

• Dazai uses humor to cover up and deal with his crippling depression

• Dazai self harms to try to feel something

• Dazai covers up his scars with his bandages to make others more comfortable

• Dazai always did really care about being a good or bad person, but his depression made him think he had no choice

Akutagawa

• Akutagawa hates baths because of mental health issues; depression and anxiety

• Akutagawa acts like he needs no one from abandonment and trust issues; partially due to Dazai

• Akutagawa is angry all the time because of his depression and anxiety

• Akutagawa has anxiety due to the way Dazai treated him when he was younger

• Akutagawa has C-PTSD from his childhood

Chuuya

• Chuuya’s anger is to cover up his feelings of disappointment, grief and loneliness

• Chuuya drinks to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay

• Chuuya has high functioning depression; he seems fine, but is dealing with feelings of emptiness internally

• Chuuya works so hard because he doesn’t feel worthy of love or respect if he doesn’t

• Chuuya has an inferiority complex that he covers up from not feeling fully human; this is why he’s so defensive when it comes to his height

Kunikida

• Kunikida’s perfectionism is because of all the flaws and imperfections he thinks he has and is trying to make up for

• Kunikida tries to be the leader all the time to prove to himself he’s worthy of Fukuzawa’s respect

• Kunikida has OCD; he can’t deviate from his schedule or it’s “bad,” everything must be perfect, has to do things in a certain order, etc.

• Kunikida has high functioning anxiety; perfectionism is a sign of this as well. Triggered the OCD

• Kunikida has a hero complex; he always has to be the morally right one in the situation

Atshushi

• Atshushi tries to please everyone due to abandonment issues and thinking he’s not enough

• Atsushi is overly nice to people because everyone was so unkind to him when he was younger

• Atsushi fights with Akutagawa to get out the pent up anger he won’t let himself feel any other time

• Atsushi has an inferiority complex that he struggles to cover up

• Atsushi looks to praise from Dazai because Dazai is the first one to tell him he’s worthy

------------------------------------------------------

Kinda short for this one, but if you made it all the way through, thank you! Let me know what you think. I haven’t written anything in ages so I need opinions.

Also, any requests/suggestions for other ideas are welcomed. Only for BSD at the moment, if you don’t mind. Thank you! ❤️

[shrimpmandan]

Hey regular reminder I'm pro-self dx. Being anti-self dx is ableist and often also intersects with other -isms die to the fact that doctors (particularly in the West) love to not take the issues of minorities seriously and/or reflect biases based on gender.

You wanna make an argument about how "oh, but psychologists have studied this all their lives"? Sure. If they studied specific BRANCHES of psychology. A lot of psychologists honestly are only equipped for depression, anxiety, and life environment issues. Finding specialists takes fucking ages and more often than not is stupidly expensive. Do you wanna know how many trans specialists there are in my area that take my insurance, and are also knowledgeable in autism? Fucking none! So I'm self-diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I have been for the past 3 years.

My mom-- my 40 year old mom who has a BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY-- is self-diagnosed with DID. She was abused extensively by therapists for having a personality disorder, on top of deadass 10 other mental illnesses she was actually diagnosed with. You aren't mocking internet TikTok kids when you're mocking the self diagnosed. You're mocking those who were abused by the system, repeatedly silenced, railroaded onto medication they didn't need, and who found answers and solace when doing HOURS, and I mean HOURS of research into what they suspected to have on their own.

I'm not "self-suspecting" on if I have ADHD or PTSD. I have fucking literally experienced panic attacks, flashbacks, and fight or flight responses on a consistent basis. I've struggled with executive dysfunction and inattentiveness to the point I was misdiagnosed with depression. Shove that "oh you're just ~self-suspecting~" shit straight up your ass and have some damn empathy for those who are mocked by doctors for saying they think they're neurodivergent. Placed on actual placebo stimulants because they think people claiming to have ADHD are meth junkies. People who are told their symptoms are "just depression" and then are driven to suicide by SSRIs.

I'm not anti-psych by a wide, wide margin. But I cannot fucking stand the ignorance and arrogance of people who themselves don't know anything about psychology, who then try to bully and silence those who have fucking scoured every book and resource they can find just trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with them so they can move on with their lives-- whether this means self-acceptance, finding community, researching coping mechanisms, or for some but far from all, actually pursuing a professional diagnosis. Psychology is my special interest. I think I know more about it than the guy insisting that psychologists know everything about every disorder like it ISN'T a unique type of hell to find therapists who are at least knowledgeable of your entire psychological profile.

[1d-trashcan]

hello!!

i was just going through your blog and you have mentioned a anxiety disorder a few times, i do not really know anything about it so if you want to please educate me on this concept, if you dont wanna its all good. just know i am here if u wanna talk any time :)))))))))

HI!! I absolutely wanna educate you, thanks for asking :) This is suuuper long though, I'm so sorry :´(

There's a few anxiety disorders out there but the most common ones are social anxiety disorder or panic disorder, and then there's GAD which is short for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have GAD.

Stress and anxiety is an evolutional response to danger more commonly known as fight or flight, which is the sympathetic nervous system being activated. GAD is the body being stuck in fight or flight mode, whereas social anxiety, for instance, generally means that the sympathetic nervous system kicks in in social environments (like a phone call or meeting a person).

GAD, usually presents as excessive worry about anything and everything. My grandmother will cough and my brain will think "she has lung cancer and she's dying". When I didn't know I was ill I was basically living in a nightmare. I've had a lot of therapy so nowadays I can identify it as an anxiety thought and ignore it. Some days I can't shake them, and those days are just bad anxiety days. And I can either power through it or I can take anxiety medication, but I can't work on those because they make me really drowsy.

You can develop GAD at any age, really. All it takes is being under extreme stress for a period of time, I think the criteria is like 6 months or something. There are differential diagnoses like chronic fatigue syndrome, ADHD/ADD, bipolar disorder and clinical depression that have to be excluded that early on, though. It's fairly easy to treat if caught early. It's hell, but they'll most likely have you on antidepressants and or something that helps you sleep and give you therapy. Therapy will help you deal with your triggers through cognitive behavioural therapy, exposure therapy (where you're literally exposed to your trigger/fear in a controlled environment) and that will in theory treat the disorder. You're never gonna remove anxiety because it's a survival instinct, but you're basically telling your brain that it's overreacting, and if you get help early you can actually be cured.

I have GAD because I was bullied between ages 10-16, and there's also a probability that my parents' divorce started the whole thing. The problem was that I didn't get proper help until I was 19 and I didn't even meet with a psychiatrist until I was 25 (I'm 29 now). I'm never gonna be cured, we're basically just looking for ways to help me live WITH my anxiety. I just have too many triggers and my body is too used to being in this state that there's currently no way of fixing it.

GAD sometimes comes with executive dysfunction which is where you just physically can't do things. It's a very common ADHD symtom as well. You know you need to do it but you can't, and it essentially becomes a handicap. My most common triggers for executive dysfunction is school work of any kind, opening my mail or important phone calls. In Sweden this is actually recognized as a handicap, which means that I can get help faster. But I have to make the call, which I can't do because of my anxiety so idk how foolproof that safeguard is. I'm on sick leave right now because of extreme stress (it could be chronic fatigue syndrom, but it's too early to tell rn) and now my executive dysfunction is everywhere, so like showering, cleaning my flat or making food is extremely tough and usually doesn't happen, so I have to take shortcuts (like eating at my parents' house, not washing my entire body and only cleaning small parts of my flat a a time).

Apart from being afraid anxiety triggers a lot of physical responses in your body because it is designed to keep us alive. If you have social anxiety you might have issues with your stomach (like stress pooping or nausea) when you have to engage with others or even, like, ride a train. GAD patiens almost always have chronic IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and muscle pains because our bodies are constantly preparing for flight. I have really bad chronic muscle pain in my neck and upper back which leads to tension headaches. So on any given day, I'd rate my pain at a 5, and that's just. A thing I have to live with.

Physical activity generally alleviates the pain and the endorphins from workout are really beneficial but you can't exercise GAD away. It's just something that helps.

I'm on a high dose of antidepressants, antihistamines to make me sleep and quetiapine/seroquel, which is a mood stabiliser that basically reduces my executive dysfunction, and my medication is always gonna change depending on what my life looks like. Realistically I'm always gonna be on some form of antidepressant. I'm on SNRI's, which control the serotonin and noradrenaline in my brain.

Naturally, my serotonin is really low and my noradrenaline is really high, but in a healthy person the serotonin is high and the noradrenaline is low. The body typically restores the serotonin/noradrenaline levels during sleep, but my brain does the exact opposite so I just have extreme anxiety during the night, which is why I'm on medication to sleep bc otherwise I a) don't sleep and b) have terrible nightmares. I still have those nightmares, but the antihistamine I'm on is a muscle relaxant as well as an anxiety medication so it helps calm me down so I don't really remember my nightmares and it reduces my muscle pain by quite a bit. I still have bad nights that lead to bad days when I'm in a lot of pain. I sleep in a fetal position and tense up at night and I have a weighted blanket to help me relax so during those bad days I have trouble walking becausec my hip muscles are locked.

I think i basically covered everything. There's a lot more to it if you have any questions. I'm super open about this, and have been since I started therapy when I was 19 because I literally did not know I was sick until I was 17 and it took another two years to understand just how bad it was so I like to be as vocal as possible so people might find out and get help.

I'm SO SORRY for this long ass post though.

[neon-slime]

I think a part of struggling with Executive Dysfunction that people don't talk about is how sometimes you give up trying.

and it can be difficult to recognize it as Executive Dysfunction because it seems on the surface so much closer to a choice than it actually is.

I see a lot of people discuss how Executive Dysfunction looks like crying because you want to do The Task but literally can't, fighting yourself for hours to get it done, or how it feels like you want to do The Task but it feels painful to do. I've seen the comparison to your brain reacting to The Task as if you're about to touch a hot stove many times.

Now that I'm getting in touch with my feelings more, I am realizing that I don't feel things in the ways that many other people do, so sometimes these posts make me worry that I was really just lazy because my experience wasn't lining up with other peoples.

Some of us numb our feelings, or have alexithymia, or we are so depressed we don't fight ourselves to do Tasks like we used to, or we don't experience emotions like other people do. That doesn't mean you aren't experiencing Executive Dysfunction.

If you stopped trying to do Things because you know from past experiences how hard it can be, that is also a symptom of Executive Dysfunction. If your "decision" to not try and fight yourself to do The Task is folded up in a feeling of malaise or "why bother, I know I wont do it anyway" that could be Executive Dysfunction mixing with depression.

Another way to tell is if your thoughts tell you something like -> "I know I'm too lazy to do that so I'm not going to try" and that thought is coupled with any sort of unease, that can be a sign that you're upset about the fact that you aren't or possibly cant do it, and you might be experiencing Executive Dysfunction.

Feelings and body sensations to look out for (a non-exhaustive list): sadness, drawing inside yourself, chest collapse, vision going blurry, regret, wistfulness, slight pressure around the top of your head, tension in your shoulders, stomach flip, indescribable feeling travelling down your rib cage into your stomach, eyes prickling only for a moment, mouth tightening, hot face, irritation or anger, ears buzzing, or trouble swallowing

[hussyknee]

FYI the entire last week and half has been one long OCD spiral. I KEEP forgetting that end of the month is PMS time (it's so bad that it might even be PMDD) and also I buy meds for 30 days the first week of every month, so I KEEP running out of both my stock AND my back up stock because I'm too depressed and executive dysfunctioned to get out of bed, leading to a regularly scheduled mental breakdown. At no time are my relationships in more danger than the self-destructive spiral in the week leading up to it.

I didn't even realize I had raging OCD until this year, after managing to nuke 50% of my closest friendships. So there's that.

All of this is to say that I've been borderline deranged and pretty much constantly triggered the last ten days or so, so if you've been made uncomfortable I'm sorry. It's all the same things I usually struggle to deal with, just dialled up to 11. I hardly ever notice who follows me unless they're a mutual or they appear regularly in my notifs, so always feel free to unfollow or even block. Even if you're my mutual.

I think a lot of the people we flag as problematic/ low-key bigoted are probably in some distress they may come out of with time and patience. Most of us try to fight our worst impulses, but sometimes we lose. Hopefully that's just a battle and not the war. But being in that kind of pain can also easily lead to rapid radicalisation and entrenched paranoia and toxicity. That's the tragedy of marginalization and isolation. Removing yourself from their proximity at any point for your own peace of mind isn't mutually exclusive with being compassionate. Boundaries help everyone in the long run.

I'm really trying my hardest not to hurt anyone, but I'm hurting a lot all the time too so I can't avoid it. I'm trying to understand that this is what it means to be human, and make my peace with it.

[kexing]

Hi, MJ, just saw your notes about being neurodivergent and mental health and trying, and i just wanted to add to that. I’m not autistic but I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since i was a teen and only just recently found out, in my early 40s, that what i thought my whole adult life was just me being LAZY and UNMOTIVATED and GENERALLY BAD AT ADULTING is probably me having executive dysfunction. I mean, i’m still a procrastinator at heart, but when i can’t bring myself to do THE THING even though i know i HAVE TO DO THE THING and every moment i spend NOT DOING THE THING fills me with anxiety? That’s my brain fucking me over.

I’m a public servant and my department has been very big on mental health since COVID and mandatory telework. But the message is always the same : you gotta eat well, sleep well and exercise. Like it’s that easy, like self-care doesn’t take a huge amount of effort when your brain doesn’t want to cooperate. Doing anything is hard for me because i have zero motivation and i can’t relate at all to things like Being Disciplined and Feeling Accomplished. Even things i enjoy! I’m behind on series i want to watch because i just can’t bring myself to press play and sit there and watch. So i rewatch the same series over and over again.

So my self-care is doing my best and trying not to compare myself to others. I get my work done on time (even if sometimes i have to get up earlier because i wasn’t productive the day before), i shower at least twice a week, i eat a vegetable a day. I pay my bills and my taxes. I vote. I’m not a danger to myself and/or to others. I’m alive. I’m alive. So if it takes me a week to unload the dishwasher and to load it up again with the week’s worth of dirty dishes, if i never fold my laundry, if i buy soup instead of cooking for myself, who the fuck cares?

Neurotypicals don’t get it, they don’t understand why we can’t just DO THE THING (like my dad, who loves me very much, but does not understand why i can’t just ‘cheer myself up’ when i ‘feel sad’). They don’t understand that in order to implement the tools (clean eating! sleep! exercise!) that might help us cope we need to have the motivation and the energy and the resources (therapy is fucking expensive!) to even try to make the effort. ‘It’s not that hard’ YES IT FUCKING IS.

So i just wanted to say, i see you, i understand your struggles, they are valid and so are you. I hope the people around you appreciate you and your efforts. I hope YOU appreciate you. Because you rock. Sending you lots of love. 💖

hello friend!!! i feel you. i suffer of severe executive dysfunction and honestly it just keeps getting worse which consequently makes me even more anxious 😩😩

exactly!!! eating well, sleeping well and exercising can definitely help you improve but when your brain simply refuses to do those tasks, it’s hell. and honestly, people who don’t live in a constant fight against their own brains have NO idea how it is. only the ones who know the struggle know what it takes to do the most basic things.

beloved :( i understand your struggles. i know i’m just a stranger running a silly little blog on tumblr dot com but i really do understand. i can motivate myself with fiction sometimes but real life? it’s just not for me and some days i feel so lost and yet so overwhelmed by how lost i feel, that it sends me into deep depressive episodes. i mean, i’m not clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety but fuck if i haven’t struggled with those bitches my entire life.

(i have been thinking of getting a diagnosis and i thought about asking my dad for some financial help and you know what my mom said to me, “don’t even bother, he thinks you’re faking it”. i mean, not surprised at all but still a little disappointed.)

and you’re doing great!!! read this very carefully: YOU ARE DOING FUCKING AWESOME!!! you’re taking care of yourself and doing things at your own pace and you’re alive and not harming others. that’s just so so so much!!! and i’m proud of you for moving forward despite all the hardships!!!!

oh parents. they might love us but they rarely understand us. and that’s okay i guess. but don’t let that get to you. only YOU know what your brain can and can’t do. it is also NOT your fault that you have limitations, okay?? everyone does!!! we just happen to have more. but you’re not unlovable or a terrible person!!

you’re soooo right!! therapy and diagnoses are ridiculously expensive. at the end of the day, we’re usually alone carrying this massive invisible weight. and nobody can see how hard we try and how much it takes from us!!! sometimes being alive hurts and staying alive is the best we can do but we are still here!! despite everything that nobody gives us credit for. we are still here!!! i still need to work on my self love and acceptance but i don’t take it lightly how much i try to do things and i do appreciate the fact that i’m alive.

thank you SO much for reading my tags, for reaching out and sharing your experiences with me. you are incredible and i wholeheartedly mean this!

i tend to feel very lonely because most people around me don’t really understand me. it’s such an alienating feeling, sometimes it’s like i’m drowning in it. but i also know i’m not the only one who feels like this and your message does comfort me in that way.

so thank you SOOOOO much!!!! sending you lots and lots and lots of love right back!!!! and that you’re able to feel it across the distance between us and have a great week!!!!! ❤️💙

[presleyannn]

hi :) - 9.19.23

Hello, my name is Presley. I am 20 years old, and I am currently in my first semester of law school.

I am also extremely mentally ill. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression in the 9th grade, having dealt with suicidal ideation since the 5th grade. I am a suicide attempt survivor, and I have been on mood stabilizers ever since. I was also diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago.

Due to my mental health issues, life hasn't been particularly easy for me, especially when it comes to basic life skills like time management and the ability to accomplish basic tasks.

I finished at the top of my class in high school and kept a high gpa in undergrad simply because I am smart, not because I applied myself and worked super hard. I am a terrible procrastinator. My brain can only start working on something if there is an impending deadline, and even then I still struggle to do it.

As you might have already inferred, those habits don't fly in law school. In law school, you have one exam at the end of the semester worth 100% of your grade, built on ALL the material you learned throughout the semester (and you learn A LOT of material in law school). There is no way to cram right before your exam. You must manage your time wisely throughout the semester to stay on top of your work and ensure you have a good handling on the material before you move on.

I am currently struggling to do just that. I am six weeks in, and I am massively behind. Executive dysfunction is very real and it is crippling. I struggle with simply starting a task, and finishing it is a completely different beast.

My brain loves to hyperfixate on things, and 9/10 it is not the thing I need to be focused on. As a result, I will have a laundry list of things I need to do, but find myself unable to do them because I am only focused on that one thing.

However, my brain also says that I must get everything on my to-do list done before I can call it a night. Therefore, I will lose sleep and STILL not get anything done. I was recently awake for almost 48 hours because I told myself that I couldn't sleep until I checked off everything on my to-do list. By the time I finally gave in to exhaustion, I had yet to do anything on it.

It is also extremely difficult for me currently to perform even basic life functions. I've already missed several classes because I simply couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. When I do, I feel like I've run a marathon before I even walk out the door just from waking up and getting dressed. By the time I get out of class, all my energy has disappeared. It takes everything in me just to feed myself at least once a day (and I usually love to eat). When it comes time for me to do work, I am absolutely drained, and my work seems so overwhelming and unapproachable.

All of these things have caused me to be extremely behind on school work, and that is a difficult thing to sit with. Especially when you need to do well because you still have to graduate undergrad, and you have scholarships you need to keep.

It also doesn't help when everyone else around you seems to be well prepared and fighting for the top spot. It makes you begin to wonder if you're even cut out for it, even though this is something you want more than anything else in your life.

Please don't worry about me though. This isn't my first rodeo. I've been dealing with these issues for the past 8 years, it's just that the stakes are much higher right now. I am in therapy, I am taking my medicine, and I have a wonderful support system of family and friends. After everything I've been through, I believe in myself enough to say that I will make it out on the other side, and I will finish this semester strong. I'm just going through a rough patch :)

I am simply here because I would be writing these things down in my personal, private journal anyway, but I want to share them in hopes that they reach someone who needs them. I've made it my mission since I was finally diagnosed in the 9th grade to help break the stigma around mental illness and mental health issues. I want people like me to know that they are not alone in this, because I want to know the same. I also want them to know that feeling these feelings is nothing to be ashamed of and that it's okay to ask for help, because I would be six feet under right now if I had never realized that and gotten the help that I needed.

If you're going through some tough times, just know that I'm sending so much love your way and that I believe in you. You're doing awesome with the hand you were dealt! <3

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Me:

Also me but from today:

[marshmcmallowboy]

Sorry for the inconsistencies in posting. I’ve gone through a lot of self improvement and identity conflict for the past couple of weeks.

I’ve always been a very timid person with a lot of anxiety and executive dysfunction. I had a partner for the past 5 years in a long distance relationship. Being diagnosed with autism and mild depression since I was young made it easier to understand why I acted the way I do.

Loosing my job and ending my own relationship within the same week sent me spiraling through my mind and not seeing a point in continuing to live. I’m doing much better now and have spent a lot of time with family and friends to help fight the way I feel.

The reason I tell you this is because it’s affected the way I gain and what I want to prioritize. I still intend on gaining weight and will prioritize eating as much as I can, but finding a job to support the spending habit that this includes is a priority. Unfortunately the economic situation that is plaguing us makes it so that I cannot move out of my parents home. I would be much more able to gain weight and control my diet otherwise.

In summary, slow and steady wins the race, and a slow gain tends to stick much better than a fast one. I hope you all stay safe and keep your love of fat, have a good day!

[cherrybombfangirlwrites]

5, 8, and 9 for the disability asks!

Hello there!

Disability Asks~

5. if you have multiple disabilities: do they affect each other? how?

I do have multiple disabilities. I have autism, adhd, anxiety, and depression. (Also a boatload of religious trauma but that doesn't really count as a disability.)

and Hoo boy do they! My adhd and autism are constantly fighting against each other it seems, as my needs for either are radically different. For instance, my adhd craves adventure and variety, while my autism needs rigid structure and predictability or i will breakdown. making sure the needs of both are met is a very fine line.

and my experience throughout the day will be radically different depending on who is driving the bus that is my brain: if adhd is driving we're going at least a hundred miles per hour, loud rock music is blasting through the speakers, and autism is tied up in the passenger seat, desperately trying to get free. if autism is driving, we are going exactly the speed limit not a mile over or under, classical music playing at just the right volume on the speakers, and adhd is in the backseat trying to light a firecracker. of course there are days where they're both at the wheel fighting tooth and nail over it, and then very rare days where they work together to make my day even worse.

my autism/adhd also makes my anxiety and depression worse, with time blindness and forgetfullness, the sheer intensity of emotions that I feel, or just plain internalized ableism making me feel worse about myself. (thinking about requesting to go on adhd meds to help with that, but we're just not sure yet)

8. does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you're very passionate about)

I don't think about this much, but it does. I've never noticed or thought about it much, but there does tend to be a correlation between neurodivergency and queerness, especially genderqueerness. It may or may not be due to my disabilty, it may be due to my aroaceness, it may be due to the religious trauma, or maybe even all of them- but I am very disconnected from the idea of gender all together, and I'm forever confused about the concept of gender as a whole.

In the aroace aspect, due to my autism, sexual innuendos and romantic innuendos and or flirting do tend to go over my head, unless I notice the pattern and pick up on it or someone tells me that's what's happening. But make no mistake, I tend to also have the dirtiest mind in my friend group and can make the best sex jokes- it's just that when it comes to me personally I may miss when people are trying to flirt with or hit on me (also, side note, is there a difference between flirting and hitting on someone? or are they the same thing? I can't tell).

9. How do you measure your energy (spoons, battery, something else?)

(already answered, but I think i'll copy and paste my answer here because it's very detailed and i like it)

I can't remember who or where, but a while back someone on the internet introduced me to a theory that more accurately describes my energy than spoon theory or battery ever did: ✨Ticket Theory✨.

Ticket Theory is similar to spoon theory, but more accurate for executive dysfunction and the thing where autistics/ADHDers have a lot of energy but can't do certain things. Here's how it works:

each ticket is one unit of energy

the tickets are each labeled with specific tasks or activities

the amount of tickets i get and what they're labeled with are never consistent or predictable

the tickets can and will expire quickly without warning

i cannot exchange, refund, or get back any tickets

I have zero control over how many tickets I get and what task they will be labeled with or how long they will last

and i can only use a ticket for the task/activity it is specifically labeled with.

For instance: it may have a lot of 'dishes' tickets, but no 'laundry' tickets, this means I may have a lot of energy, but no laundry is getting done while dishes will, no matter what I do. I may have a bunch of 'art' tickets, but no tickets for anything else, so even though I have a ton of energy the only thing getting done is art, despite how much I want and need to do tasks like cleaning or hygiene. and the worst one of all: I have tickets for everything, all the tasks and chores and activities- but the one thing I don't have a ticket for is getting out of bed. <- it's like having tickets for every ride at a theme park EXCEPT FOR A TICKET TO GET INTO THE PARK ITSELF, and it is so fucking frustrating.

This theory has been so helpful for explaining to impatient people or neurotypicals who just don't understand why I may have a lot of energy, but things I want to get done or need to get done won't get done no matter how much I want to or try. And it's honestly been more helpful to help myself understand what's going on in my head. Before being introduced to ticket theory, I used spoon theory, but it didn't quite fit and just made others more confused about my dysfunction and the randomness to my energy levels.

Thanks Anon!

[cpunkwitch]

I ask that you hear me out bc I've been thinking a lot on this and I think it is a CRUCIAL aspect of understanding community. I'm queer trans mentally and physically disabled, and especially coming from over a decade in the queer community, the angry bitter gatekeeping rhetoric is not helpful to? Anyone??? Definitely not the crip movement or any real disabled person. It absolutely isn't what I was hoping for from seeking community, or what people seeking community need. Im in a lot of disability spaces, and never ONCE have I met a disabled person w mental illness who wasn't ALSO physically disabled as a result of that severe mental illness.

Anxiety keeps your body locked in fight or flight and floods you with "here's danger" hormones (adrenaline, cortisol) that lock muscles, stops the digestive system, causes shakes and blurred vision and panic attacks that mimic heart attacks. It leads to chronic pain, gastroporesis, heart problems. Depression saps all your energy, leaves you with barely enough to walk across a room. Changes the literal way you are able to perceive and process the world around you, changes your hormone and neurotransmitter balance. If it doesn't leave you dead (is suicide not a bodily symptom enough for you?) it leaves you drowning and typically in a place of having lost friends and finances. Executive dysfunction can keep someone locked in place for days, barely able to get water or food or clean themselves for weeks on end. Nevermind if these things go untreated, nevermind the rate of comorbidities with health problems and other mental illness.

There is no such thing as a purely mental disability, that doesnt work via a complex body mind relationship of hormones and muscles. The brain absolutely and completely affects the rest of our bodies, and it not working "correctly" is arguably far more catastrophic than MANY many purely physical disabilities (that can - if one is privileged and genetically lucky enough - come WITHOUT severe mental illness). Circling the wagons to make sure those who Aren't Disabled Enough stay away from a term, stay away from your space, is the same rhetoric used to try to keep trans, ace, nb, any minority not Queer or Marginalized Enough in the Right Ways out of queer spaces and this nebulous idea of limited resources they're stealing. It doesn't protect ANYONE, it sets up a false dichotomy that leaves people questioning themselves and more alienated than ever, and it just gives people something to work themselves into a froth over and waste words and energy and time and people's attention on instead of the real issues facing all of us and the most marginalized in this community.

It does not matter in the real world if a suicidally depressed person calls themselves a crip bc they used to be able to climb mountains and now it's a win to get to the kitchen - if they use resources it shows to that administrator the resources are Needed so they can continue, if they talk over someone they can be asked to instead listen and learn.

Yknow what does have negative real world consequences? Shaming them that they're not Disabled Enough to be part of a community and them killing themselves bc for the 100th time in their life a person told them their struggles weren't legitimate or real enough to count. Ignoring and helping obscure laws being passed taking away trans healthcare, and specifically trans autistic healthcare, that are immediately affecting this community. Riling yourself (and your audience) up indefinitely every time you feel the need to gatekeep some autistic kid and read or share a vitriolic post about what disability and crip REALLY is.

i want people to understand im not trying to exclude anyone. i have mentioned a few times that i aknowledge there are people who's mental disablity and illness contribute to their being physically disabled.

im sorry that my initial post angered a few people, that was not my intent

but i did state in my reblog of that post that the point wasnt to say anyone isnt disabled enough, its to point out that those who actually arent physically disabled need to stop forcing themselves into a space that wasnt made for them.

im sorry if my wording is just that bad, im sorry if i hurt people with how i came off, i dont mean to

and im sorry that i dont have the energy of spoons to read your entire ask here, its a lot of text and i cant read that but im responding from what i did manage to read and im sorry if any of my rants struck the wrong cord with you /g

im too tired for this so im not answering anymore asks about this post

thank you for your time, again sorry for upsetting anyone with my crap wording /g

[protected-and-loved-by-castiel]

When I say trauma causes mental illness symptoms, it’s probably important for me to explain what exactly trauma is. (If you would say, I don't have any trauma, then this explanation is especially for you.)

Trauma happens anytime our nervous system is overwhelmed. When we start a stress cycle and aren’t safe enough to finish that stress cycle, then the charge of that stress response gets stored in the body. Trauma is highly subjective - the same situation may be traumatic for one person and not traumatic for another.

Trauma is not what happens to us externally, it’s the internal impact of overwhelming experiences. Besides the emotional impacts, stored unfinished stress cycles in the body can create tension, fatigue, pain or numbness, which can be localized to where the trauma is stored or can affect the whole body.

Stored stress cycles can be re-activated by sensory experiences, thoughts, or emotions that remind us of the trauma. These are commonly called flashbacks.

Our stored stress cycles easily reactivate because they are seeking resolution - they are hoping it’s safe enough to finish the cycle now. But if its not safe enough to finish the stress cycle now, the charge gets stored again, and that is called re-traumatization.

When we feel unsafe, our nervous system responds with fight/flight, freeze, or fawn stress responses. To finish these cycles, our bodies need to allow the stress response to safely happen (instead of suppressing it) and then find safety again so that the cycle can be integrated.

Stress and trauma are cumulative. Our nervous systems are constantly analyzing whether or not we are safe right now, and stored trauma is one of the things that causes our bodies to feel like we are generally not safe. Sometimes our stored trauma is from a lot of small experiences rather than a big significant event that can be pointed to as obviously traumatic. Stored trauma can even be from things that didn’t happen such as unmet needs.

For Autistic and ADHD nervous systems in particular, we are at higher risk of trauma and the development of mental health symptoms because our hyper-connected neurons process more informational input, which often makes our bodies feel unsafe with scenarios that might feel perfectly safe to someone else.

I can confidently say that every mental illness symptom that is not a genetic trait is something that happens because of nervous system imbalance or injury, not disorder. I could break down which nervous system response is involved in which symptom for every mental health diagnosis. I won’t take the time for all of that but here are a few: mania is a sympathetic fight/flight type response, depression is a freeze/shutdown response, psychosis is a sympathetic and dorsal combination response, fugue states are freeze responses, executive dysfunction is often because of the freeze/shutdown response…

Our bodies use stress responses to try to maintain safety and homeostasis. We don’t always have the BIG version of these responses. Sometimes we have smaller versions like low grade anxiety, zoning out, feeling tired, or going on autopilot. Though symptoms of our stress responses can be unpleasant or even harmful, the purpose of them is protective.

Nervous system imbalance is a reasonable and ordered response to current or past unsafety. The symptoms of nervous system imbalance can cause social dysfunction and disability, but they are not evidence of any internal dysfunction. We evolved to respond to stressors with exactly the types of symptoms that are called disordered in the DSM.

When they say disordered what they really mean is that we do not have the neurology that capitalism expects from us. The overwhelming world causes our symptoms and then society blames us for them. I may not be able to do much to control the overwhelming world, but I can at least refuse to blame myself for normal responses to lack of safety.