#I fell as though tumblr fucked up the quality so that’s fun /s

[smolldust]

Tesscyn drawing I made awhile ago and never posted

version with her canon colors:

[sides-of-demigods]

The Forest Incident Pt. 3

Word Count: 1,723

Warning(s): Blood, injuries, cursing, infirmary/hospital

Author's Note: I am upset. It wasn't supposed to be this short but I reached the damn paragraph limit and had to go pretty far back for the most natural cutting off point. I was gonna finish it all this chapter but I guess I'll have to wait a day to two. Ugh. So yeah, there'll be a part Fours that basically just an epilogue. Thanks Tumblr.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4

Virgil muttered an apology and fully slapped the boy across the face and desperately shouted his name again.

Finally, Roman slowly opened his eyes and Virgil let out a little laugh of relief.

“Did...did you slap me?” Roman questioned, his voice weak.

“Well you wouldn't wake up,” Virgil said. “Didn't leave me much choice.”

He dragged Roman over to the nearest tree and propped him against it, flinching when Roman launched into a coughing fit.

“Hold on, hold on I've uh…I've got some first aid stuff just hold on,” Virgil muttered, practically incomprehensible. 

Virgil tossed his sword and shield to the side so he could take off his backpack and rummage through it.

He ended up just taking everything but the protein bars out, because he still wasnt sure exactly what he needed.

He was no Patton, but he was pretty sure he could buy enough time to find Patton or get back to camp. Only problem, they had been following the tracks, so Virgil actually wasn’t sure which way Camp was.

But that was definitely a problem for later. For now, he had to keep Roman from bleeding out in the middle of the woods.

“Okay, here eat this,” Virgil shoved a large square of ambrosia into Roman’s hand and made sure he was starting to eat it before he used his sword to cut open Roman’s shirt.

He had to get it off in order to actually treat the gash and there was no way Roman was taking it off anytime soon.

“You know,” Roman started before coughing again. “If you wanted to see...see me shirtless...you could have just said something.”

"Shut up idiot," Virgil muttered. He opened the First Aid kit and began to use the cleaning gauze to wipe away as much of the blood as possible because at this point he couldn't even see the cut.

Roman looked on the verge of passing it again, but Virgil remembered something about keeping the patient awake by talking or something.

"You saved my life you know," Virgil ended up saying, inwardly cursing himself. "Throwing me my shield I mean. That was some quick thinking."

"You're welcome." Roman tried to laugh but ended up coughing again and slumped against the tree. "You, you saved me too...you know."

"I think all the blood suggests otherwise."

"But after that you…you got me out of the way...that stinger... remember?"

"Yeah I guess. Everything happened so fast." Virgil wasn't fully paying attention to the conversation. He had given up on the blood and reached for the rubbing alcohol, putting some on the left over gauze. "I've gotta clean this out. It's gonna hurt like a son of a bitch though, so try to just keep talking. Ready?"

Roman nodded and visibly braced himself, so Virgil pressed the gauze to the wound. Roman hissed loudly and his head fell back against the tree with a dull thunk. Virgil mumbled an apology under his breath. 

"Not to mention, ow ow ow, this," Roman said, trying to follow Virgil's advice and just distract himself.

"What on Gaia's green earth are you talking about?" Virgil raised an eyebrow. 

"Nursing me...back to, ow, health or whatever. Maybe you're...not an evil, ow, villain."

"And why's that?"

"Ah!"

"Sorry."

"Well if you really wanted me...ya know...dead...this would be the, ow, perfect opportunity. Secret…secret mission in the...the woods...crazy monster….already hurt…"

"I think you're in shock Princey."

"M'not in shock...you're in shock…. you're so...so calm."

Actually, if Virgil thought about it, the delirious demigod may be onto something. 

Usually Virgil would be freaking the fuck out and definitely not treating a wound methodically and carefully and ESPECIALLY not since he himself was injured and exhausted, though the adrenaline coursing through his veins at the sight of Roman's cut and the blood on his own hands was probably to thank for that.

"Okay done with that." Virgil used the last scraps of gauze to get at least some of the blood off his hands before tossing it away. Usually Patton would scold him for something like that but Virgil couldn't bring himself to care about littering at the moment. 

He reached for the bandages instead and helped Roman sit up so he could wrap that bandages around his torso and occasionally his shoulder to help keep them in place.

He used on hand to hold up Roman and the other to wrap the bandages, alternating which hand was doing which as he went.

"Hey Virge? I think...I think I'm gonna take a little nap now."

"Like hell you are," Virgil growled. "Don't think I won't slap you again."

"That's not nice," Roman pouted. He was getting increasingly delirious from a combination of blood loss, exhaustion, and pain, and Virgil wasn't sure how much longer he'd last. 

Virgil had skills limited to basic First Aid and it wasn't professional quality either. If Roman didn't get help quick, Virgil wasn't sure he'd make it. He'd lost so much blood…

Plus Virgil would have to carry him back to camp and he had no idea which way that was. 

Worse still, he didn't think his body could handle that. 

He was bruised and battered as well, he was pretty sure he'd at least crack a few ribs, and was running on nothing but adrenaline at this point. 

Virgil tucked the end of the bandage and secured it with medical tape, but that was about as far as his skills went. Now the other problem.

"We've gotta find Logan and Patton or figure out how to get you back to camp," Virgil was mumbling again, searching fruitlessly through his bag as if a miracle would suddenly appear. In fact, he was actually praying to every god he knew that that exact thing would happen. Because he was out of options.

"I could...do a spell," Roman suggested, his voice quieter and weaker than Virgil had ever heard. 

"No, no way," Virgil argued immediately. "There's no way you have enough energy for one of those."

"I would if you gave me...gave more am..amber...ambrosia."

"You are just a FACTORY for bad ideas right now, aren't you? I already gave you a risky amount, anymore and you'll probably burn up!"

"I don't think we have another choice."

He was right of course. As much as Virgil hated it. If they did it Roman at least had a chance of survival, however slim. If they didn't...well Virgil didn't see a scenario where Roman got out alive.

"Damn it." Virgil cursed, begrudgingly taking the smallest square of ambrosia he could find. He held it up to Roman's lips who obligingly ate it, understanding he needed to conserve as much energy as possible.

They waited a few seconds for it to kick in. Roman schooled his face into one of determination and began to run through songs in his head.

"Go for finding Logan and Patton. I don't think I can carry back to camp," Virgil suggested and sat against the tree next to Roman, their shoulders pressed together. He was exhausted but he still wanted to be close enough in case something happened.

He winced at the movement, his hand coming up to his ribs as he hissed in pain. Roman looked at him questioningly but Virgil rolled his hand to get him going. 

"Don't make fun of me for the song alright? It's the only thing I can think of."

"No promises." 

"And I'll probably pass out after this so-"

"Just get on with it Sir Sing-A-Lot."

Roman took a breath and began to sing. Virgil had no clue what he was expecting, but he was pretty sure it wasn't Gotta Find You from fucking Camp Rock.

"I need to try to get to where you are," Roman sang. "Could it be you're not that far. You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing. I need to find you, I gotta find you. You're the missing piece I need, the song inside of me. I need to find you, I gotta find you."

His voice got weaker and weaker as he sang, to the point where by the end even Virgil could barely hear it.

Then Roman slumped over and Virgil caught him, propping him against the tree as best he could, but Roman still ended up leaning on him. 

Virgil looked around and began to panic, as it seemed like nothing has happened.

He blinked and there it was, a ball of light almost like fire just floating there. 

And then it zipped off through the woods, leaving a trail of light behind it. 

A few seconds later:

Logan and Patton had found the other two serkets and had managed to dispatch them. 

They weren't unscathed, but since they had managed to take the serkets by surprise instead of the other way around, they were much better off than Roman and Virgil. 

Both were shocked when suddenly a ball of what looked like fire burst out of the trees and stopped in front of Patton then just…hovered there. 

The two shared a curious look, having a conversation without words. Eventually Logan nodded and Drew his daggers as Patton turned to the ball.

Slowly he reached his hand out toward it, closing his eyes just before he made contact with it, preparing to be burned or worse. Instead he heard some sort of shimmer and opened his eyes just in time to see the ball explode into an image of Virgil and Roman leaning against a tree. 

Roman had bandages wrapped around his torso that we're already covered in blood and was pale as snow, Virgil was covered in scratches and bruises and seemed to be gingerly cradling his ribs. 

Patton gasped audibly at the image, his hand flying up to his mouth while Logan cursed under his breath. 

"Patton, look," Logan said, pulling Patton's gaze from the image in front of him and to the glittery trail leading into the woods that the ball had left behind.

The two looked at each other again.

"You don't think…?" Patton trailed off.

"One of Roman's spells," Logan agreed with a firm nod. "He's leading us to them."

"We have to hurry!"

"Agreed."

The two sprinted into the woods.

[pink-rathian-official]

At the beginning of 2019, I mentioned I would keep track of every game I finished, and sum up my thoughts on all of them at the end of the year. And now I’m half regretting it because I’m gonna have to write out a short summary for each of these games. Oh well. You’ll be able to find all of them under the Read More, if you’re interested. Will be including an arbitrary score next to each game based on how much I enjoyed them.

Just some fun numbers before we jump in to the meat of the post- In 2019, I beat a total of 41 games. That’s an average of 3.41 games per month, which actually isn’t too bad of a rate!

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (5/5) 100% complete! Beaten twice! Without doubt, the best Smash game yet. You didn’t need me to tell you this- if you’ve got a Switch, then you’ve probably got Smash.

Bayonetta (4/5) A classic character action game, and an immense source of nostalgia for me. Play this game or I’ll break your knees.

Bayonetta 2 (4/5) I actually went into this game with low expectations, I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as the first game. Fortunately I was stupid and wrong and ended up loving it just as much as Bayo1.

Splatoon 2 (3/5) The story wasn’t particularly the most enjoyable thing ever, although I did sink a pretty decent amount of time into the multiplayer. Still not my go-to game if I’m looking for a quick match.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (4/5) It was enjoyable, although kinda started dragging on towards the end. The side content started feeling very repetitive, especially the shrines- but it was still a genuinely great time.

DOOM (2016) (3/5) I raged a wee bit, gonna admit. Although it was fun, I had a lot of frustrations with the late game.

Cthon (3/5) Doom, but a Lovecraftian roguelike. I’d recommend picking it up on Steam, it’s only USD$4.99 regularly, and USD$1.69 during the Steam sale currently going on.

Fire Emblem: Awakening (4/5) I suck at strategy games because I’m a smoothbrain, but FE:A is totally one of the best 3DS games ever released. Lucina is my daughter and the story made me cry.

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition (2/5) I already played the 3DS version, and went into the DE expecting it to be a bit more enjoyable- and while it was, I did find myself getting bored rather quickly.

The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (5/5) The best TES game ever released according to many fans. While I do still prefer Skyrim more, I can see exactly why so many love it. Planning on returning to do the DLCs soon.

Night in the Woods (4/5) I hate story-centric games, but I liked NITW a lot. The exploration was nice, seeing the town change day-to-day was nice, and the ending was freaky in a good way

Warhammer: Vermintide 2 (4/5) An incredibly fun game, very similar to Left 4 Dead but fantasy themed and with rat monsters. Launched my obsession with the Skaven.

Fallout 3 (2/5) Yeah just play New Vegas instead mate.

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag (3/5) If you separate it from the rest of the relatively mediocre AC series, Black Flag is pretty gud. I like being a pirate. I don’t like tailing missions. I really don’t like ship tailing missions.

Ib (3/5) I played this game a few times through during my obsession with RPGMaker horror games. Still holds up pretty strong, although it’s a wee bit short.

Amorous (3/5) 100% complete! Yeah it’s just a lewd furry dating sim. Does have a decent character maker that I use as a reference for my fursona now though!

Way of the Samurai 3 (4/5) I don’t know why this game slipped under everyone’s radar back on release. Just overall a very Nice samurai simulator, albeit with some combat that takes some getting used to.

Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate (5/5) The best MonHun released yet. World is great, but for some reason it just doesn’t hold me like GU does. Maybe I’m just a boomer.

Super Mario Odyssey (3/5) It’s definitely what you’d expect out of Mario. Not a bad game by any means, but I just didn’t really keep attached to it like most others seemed to.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (4/5) I like being a lawyer, and I love the serotonin rush that I get when cornering a criminal on their logic.

Resident Evil 7 biohazard (4/5) The first RE game I’ve played to completion. I don’t regret it at all, because it was super good. Got some great DLC as well.

SoulCalibur VI (Libra of Soul + Soul Chronicle) (4/5) Loved the character creation, loved gitting gud- did not love some of the side missions in LoS because holy Hell a lot of them are bullshit.

Borderlands 2 (4/5) I hated the first Borderlands, and went into 2 expecting more of the same. Ended up leaving surprisingly satisfied. Great loot n’ shoot all around.

Deus Ex: Game of the Year Edition (4/5) It took me a few tries to really get into this one, but once I did I was totally hooked. The ending battle could’ve used a little more love, but it was still by all means a great game.

Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines (4/5) Despite being a clearly rushed game with a drop in quality towards the last few hours, VtmB is still one of the most solid action RPGs I’ve ever played. Still not exactly gonna excuse the last couple of boss battles though.

Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc (5/5) This went from “tumblr meme game that I had no interest in” to “one of the best fucking games I have ever played, and it hurt me deeply.” I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in a story before, and the trial system was very refreshing.

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair (5/5) How did they make a story with twists even more mindblowing than the first game? While THH invested me into the series, GD solidified my newfound love for it.

Which (3/5) 100% complete! A very short experimental horror game by indie animator and developer Mike Inel. Not bad at all, and completely worth the free download.

Skullgirls: 2nd Encore (3/5) I never really got good at this game, although the story mode was still very enjoyable. Not particularly something I’m probably gonna be coming back to.

Hollow Knight (5/5) Absolutely spectacular Metroidvania that gives quite a unique challenge. Fell in love with this game so bad that I was constantly thinking about it at work. Please stop comparing it to Dark Souls, it’s such an amazing game on its own merit without needing that comparison.

Undertale (5/5) It’s Undertale, do you really need me to tell you how amazing it is?

Devil May Cry 3 (Dante story) (4/5) Extremely fun and challenging. If you haven’t played this game yet then you are wrong. Beating the first Vergil battle without being hit filled me with very unneeded confidence- the spectacular final battle against Vergil stripped that confidence away.

Ion Fury (3/5) Very challenging, but still super enjoyable. The heroine is a genuine badass, loved hearing her quips. The final boss was garbo though.

Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice (5/5) Sekiro absolutely deserved the GOTY award. Loved the combat, loved the challenge, loved everything about this beautiful game.

Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age Definitive Edition (5/5) DQXI singlehandedly changed my opinion on JRPGs. A story that’s equal parts awesome and tearjerking, combat that feels truly satisfying, and a quirky world that had me hooked for all 98+ hours.

Danganronpa Another Story: Ultra Despair Girls (4/5) While it absolutely was a good game, something about it didn’t really hold the charm that the other Danganronpa games had. The story was still superb, and the twist at the end was hooh.

Spyro the Dragon (3/5) 120% complete! The nostalgia factor drew me in, the level design kept me. Except for Tree Tops, fuck you Tree Tops.

WarioWare Gold (3/5) Packed with the best microgames from WarioWare’s history, but not enough content to keep me there past the main story mode.

Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D (3/5) MGS3 is one of my favorite games ever, but the 3DS port’s framerate issues really killed the fun for me.

Halo: Reach (4/5) The story mode was good, but the multiplayer was absolutely sublime. I raged, I cheered, I had the fun I missed out on growing up without an Xbox.

[meditatemoremedicateless]

Rachel Has Two Hands (Hell is Empty pt. 2)

Fandom: Life is Strange Pairings: Amberrich, Pricerich, Amberprice, Amberpricerich Tags: polyamory, pining, fluff Words: 5,400

Summary: Steph struggles with her feelings about Rachel and Chloe's performance in The Tempest. Her starts spending more time with Chloe and Rachel, leading to an unexpected kiss and an even more unexpected conversation.

Read the full story on Tumblr, Ao3, or ff.net.

By the time the cast party had officially started, Steph was sure she had it figured out. She was also sure she could explain why she was totally okay with what happened and how genuinely beautiful the performance had been. She'd just talk to Rachel sometime during the party and say that she and Chloe would make a beautiful couple and even though Steph liked her, she wasn't going to toss away a friendship out of jealousy. Queer girls have to stick together. They can't afford to burn bridges just because someone fell for someone else, else they would all become islands, as alone as Arcadia Bay on the coast of Oregon.

The cast party was at Hayden's house because it was the biggest and his family was already used to the Vortex Club using it from when his older brother had been a member. Everyone was split up into their little cliques, like Nathan, Victoria, and their friend Taylor on the stairs after returning from smoking weed in the bathroom, or Steph, Dana, Juliet, and Hayden hanging out on the couch and piano bench. Hayden's mom apparently had the biggest goddamn grand piano Steph had ever seen outside of an orchestral hall, which immediately explained a lot of things about him. Rachel was supposed to get dropped off by her parents, so she was running a little late, and the crew kids like Brooke and Luke mostly kept to themselves, so it felt kind of weak for a cast party.

Dana got a text and checked her phone. A second later, she asked out, "Hey, Hayden - Rachel's walking here with Chloe, is that cool?"

What?!

"Uhhh yeah, totally. Do they need a pick-up?"

"I dunno, let me check."

Rachel sent texts faster than Steph could talk, so only a few seconds later Dana called, "Nope, they're almost here."

Oh shit.

Steph had been mentally preparing this whole time to talk to Rachel because Rachel would already be hanging out with her. But the prospect of pulling her away from Chloe to have the conversation about how totally cool she was with them getting together was on a whole new level. Steph considered herself a pretty tough cookie - stoic, even, when she had to be - but she could only make so strong a face in so little time. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to hear why Rachel chose Chloe over her.

"Wow, the fire's getting pretty crazy," said Taylor from the hall. "The air quality outside is getting really bad, and containment's dropped to 10 percent. Apparently we're advised to stay in-doors until air quality improves? Crazy."

No. No no no this cannot be happening.  Steph wanted to leap to her feet and flee, just walk home in the dead of night, but she knew no one here would let her - walking outside while ash rained from the sky was a stupid idea and she knew it. She was going to be stuck here until morning with Rachel like she had planned to be. Unless. Unless.

Steph stood up and said, "Hey, uh, Hayden, I kind of . . . feel sick. And with the fire, I don't think I should walk home . . . do you think you could give me a ride?"

He sat there and blinked for a few seconds, looking Steph up and down, probably picking up that she looked perfectly fine.

Still, Hayden was a cool dude. Finally, he shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess."

 Rachel: i didnt see you last night.

Rachel: hayden said you were sick Rachel: how are you feeling?

Rachel: steph?

Rachel: i'll see you at the showing tonight, OK? i want to talk to you.

Rachel: you ran off again Rachel: are you mad at me?

Steph: I'm not mad

It was midnight, Saturday night giving way to Sunday, and they had two shows to run the next day. Steph didn't have time to stay up tonight, but once she was back in her bed again, in the dark, alone, she had started crying. She absolutely hated how upset she was. She had absolutely no fucking right to be ignoring Rachel. This was exactly the sort of behavior that could devastate her hopes for a small circle of queer friends - being jealous and petty and slinking away into the night to be alone.

She had just been caught off guard. She had gotten her hopes up, sitting alone and flirting with Rachel in the dressing room. She had taken Rachel's fun and flirtation as an indicator of her feelings, when she knew that was just how she acted. She liked that about Rachel. She liked the way she could charm and dazzle her way through anything, how she always picked herself back up when she started feeling insecure, how she could make anyone feel special.

Rachel: are you avoiding me?

Steph: Yeah. I haven't known what to say to you, and I still don't.

Rachel: did i do something wrong?

Steph: no, it's nothing like that. 

Rachel: do you want to be left alone?

Steph didn't answer that, which proved to be enough of an answer by itself.

 The Culmination Fire died suddenly in the night, and by the time Steph left for the school the next day, the air quality was almost back to normal. At the very least, Steph didn't have to come on stage and announce that audience members with asthma or other breathing difficulties would be given tickets for next week or full refunds if they wanted to leave. Steph kept herself busy constantly, and for most of the day she felt normal, no time to think of Rachel when Prospera was the one needing attention. They were never alone long enough to have a conversation that wasn't immediately about the play, and Steph biked off by herself during lunch time.

And that is how, on this ashy-gray Sunday afternoon, Steph ended up getting her lunch at the Two Whales diner only seconds before Chloe Price walked through the door.

Steph anticipated dread when she ran into Chloe again, but to her surprise, it didn't feel any different than the other few times they'd seen each other on campus.

"Hey Steph, what's up?" Chloe asked, sliding into the other side of the booth as if they'd planned to meet up. "Heard your cast's been crushing it."

Steph smirked. "Oh, they have. Maybe not quite as hard as Friday, but our troupe isn't slouching. The Tempest's script, on the other hand . . ."

"Pff, yeah, that thing is, uh, and don't tell the Bard I said this but, it's kind of a mess."

Chloe had dyed her hair since they talked on Friday - just a streak of blue among the blonde, like Rachel's feather earring. It looked goofy, but cute. She'd come in wearing a beanie but dropped it on the table, making them look a little less like the lead members of an alternative girl band together, if not by much.

Steph quirked her eyebrows, bemused. "This - coming from the girl who learned like a dozen lines in a few minutes and improv'd her way into the Beacon and Totem? You sure seemed to jive with the mess."

Chloe leaned back in the booth, pleased at the praise. "I guess it's just in my nature to surprise people. For instance, Principal Wells? Not the happiest dude when it turned out I was reppin' Blackwell on the front page the same day he kicked me out. The message he left my Mom was . . ." she pressed her fingers close to her lips as if she were holding a joint and inhaled, then let out a dreamy sigh. "Epic. Totally worth the expulsion."

Steph snickered, taking a bite of her food. Chloe's eyes very obviously followed her hands down to her plate, begging for fries without asking for them.

Steph took the hint and said, "Here, how about as a thank-you for saving my ass, I buy you lunch?

"Deal," Chloe replied without hesitation. Grinning, she leaned back forward in her seat and stuck her hand out of the booth. "Yo, Mom!" she called.

One of the waitresses, a middle-aged blonde woman with the red-purple bags under the eyes of an insomniac, approached the table with an already-irritated, "Yes, Chloe?"

Chloe gestured across the table. "This lovely lady would like to treat me to lunch, for which I'll have chicken tenders, please."

The waitress - Joyce, her name tag said - put her hands on her hips and turned to Steph. "Now, is my daughter extorting you or is these chicken tenders given of your own free will?"

Steph held her hands up, as if surrendering. "Hey, Chloe deserves a lunch for saving The Tempest. I don't suppose you got a chance to see her in action?"

"I didn't even know she could act," Joyce replied with a scathing look, Chloe smiling back innocently. "But I'm glad she helped out. Maybe that'll make Mr. Wells think twice about his decision to expel her."

She sighed wearily, then said, "But chicken tenders, got it. It's nice to meet you . . .?"

"Steph. Stephanie Gingrich. It's nice to meet you too."

"Hello Stephanie, I'm Joyce. And I'll be right back."

As Joyce walked away, Chloe's attention rounded back to Steph. There were a few seconds of pause while Steph glanced around the diner, but Chloe brought her back with a sudden, "So, how did things go with Rachel?" Steph's blood ran cold. "Did you shoot your shot or what?"

"A-are you serious?" Steph asked, dumbfounded.

Is she insensitive as hell or just stupid? What?

Chloe blinked, surprised. "Uuhh?" she asked, sitting forward in her seat again. "I mean, yeah . . . you made it seem like you were really itching to do it, so I figured you would this weekend . . . while you've been around her so much."

Steph had a growing suspicion she had made a terrible mistake. "Aren't you . . . dating her?"

Now Chloe looked even more confused. "What? No . . . didn't we already have this conversation on Friday?"

"But . . ." Steph tried to pull all the disparate details, all the things that absolutely confirmed to her that they had been dating. "But, the play. That improv wasn't just in-character, that was you two talking. It was, like - fuck dude, it was seriously romantic. And then you two walked to the cast party together, like . . . like . . ."

Steph faltered as Chloe's face changed from 'I'm confused' to 'Are you an idiot?' Steph had watched Chloe give that face to almost everyone, but she hadn't ever had it directed at her. It was just a look, but it stung.

Chloe glanced down at the table for a second, clearing her expression, then back up at Steph. "Dude, what? That wasn't Rachel asking me out, that was her offering to run away with me."

What.

"Why . . . what?"

Chloe said, "Look, I don't really want to get into details or anything, but things have been . . . shit for me at home recently. For Rachel, too. I ran away from home for a few days and her family kind of took me in. That's why I was wearing, like, that jacket that was three sizes too small, and why I needed to go to the dorms. We walked to the party together to talk about running away but we didn't, like, do it. Running was only going to make our problems worse."

"I . . ."

Fuck!!

Steph pushed her plate into the center of the table so she could just drop her face straight onto the table. "I'm so fucking stupid!" she groaned. She hit her head once more in agitation. When she looked up, it all came out in a rush: "I thought you were wearing her jacket because you like, stayed the night. Like, stayed the night not had a fucking sleepover. And the whole improvised bit looked and sounded so much like a proposal it was like you two were about ready to just, start a life together or something. I - fuck!" Steph clutched the sides of her head. "I'm dumb! And I've been avoiding Rachel all weekend because of it!"

Chloe looked overwhelmed and doe-eyed, but all that came out of her mouth was a scoff: "Dude, what?"

Steph didn't have an immediate answer, and before she could think of anything to say, Joyce swooped in and dropped a basket of chicken tenders in front of Chloe. It distracted Chloe long enough for her to say, "Oh, hey, can I get barbecue and ranch, please?"

Her mother rolled her eyes and said, "I'll be right back," before continuing her loop around the diner.

Chloe took a minute to shove some fries in her mouth before remembering that they were having a conversation. She wiped her fingers on a napkin and said, "Alright, Steph, so. After Friday I was under the impression you were like, really good at communication and stuff, but it looks like you totally over-thought this into a problem that didn't need to be a problem. Even if our scene was like, kind of romantic or whatever, and even if she does like me back at all, it still seems like you should talk to her about it instead of . . . whatever you've been doing."

Chloe gave an abashed smile that quickly disappeared. "Weird advice, coming from me, I know, but seriously."

Steph's head was still cradled in her hands, but at least she was looking across the table instead of actively self-destructing. "So you do like her?" she asked.

"I'm only human," Chloe replied with a shrug and another fleeting smile. "But right now, I think she needs a friend more than . . . something else. From me, at least."

Steph shook her head. "I may be an idiot, but if you think she just wants to be your friend, so are you."

"I know," Chloe replied, like an admission of guilt.

Chloe turned to her food, and Steph took a minute to herself, to self-flagellate over how badly she'd fucked up and how it would be no wonder if Rachel's interest in her vanished like Steph had vanished on her. Whether or not Rachel would ever return her feelings, though, wasn't the point anymore. She had a friendship to salvage.

  Steph: hey Rachel. I ran into Chloe during my lunch and I realized I totally blew it. After the play Friday night I thought you two were together and I thought you were just going to explain why you'd decided to go out with Chloe. I made everything in my head a way bigger deal than it was and I've been acting like a dick. I got so caught up in my version of what was going on I didn't even try to talk to you and that was so, so stupid, and I'm really sorry. I don't know how you feel about me or Chloe, but I know I really want to be your friend and be supportive.

Rachel texted back less than a minute later.

Rachel: steph, you are deep down kind of an idiot. but i get it. Rachel: im with my mom right now and its not a great time to talk but can we please talk later?

Steph: yeah, of course. I'll see you at the next show.

Steph sighed as she put her phone away.

"Wha'she say?" Chloe asked through a mouthful of food.

"Just that she wants to talk," Steph replied, leaning back in her seat, now resigned.

Chloe swallowed her food so she could talk properly and said, "Well, that doesn't sound like you've totally screwed the pooch. Maybe there's hope for you yet."

Steph shrugged, then said, "Well . . . thanks Chloe. For the heads-up. This could have gone worse, amazingly."

"No problem," she said, waving away the thanks. "I make a great supporting character."

Steph and Chloe both snorted.

After a short pause, Chloe said, "Hey, wait, don't you have to be back at the school like . . . now? The next show starts at 4:00, right?"

"WHAT?!"

Steph pulled out her phone and checked the time. Sure enough, it was 3:20, and she was supposed to have been back at the school five minutes ago at the latest.

"OhmyfuckinggodyouhavetobekiddingmehowamIthisbigofanidiotI'lldie-"

"Steph, yo, chill," Chloe interrupted. "Just get the check and I'll give you a ride."

Steph stared at Chloe with anxious befuddlement. "Since when . . . do you have a car?" Steph had literally seen Chloe get dropped off at school on Friday.

Chloe shrugged. "I kind of fixed up an old junker yesterday; it's mine now. You've had your tetanus shot, right?"

Steph didn't like the sound of that question.

 The conversation with Rachel was much more 'Rachel talking about what was going on with her' than Steph had anticipated, and very little on why she was turning Steph down. As soon as they got into things, though, Steph just felt embarrassed and ashamed for putting another thing on her when she already had so much going on. She had just found out her mom wasn't her biological mother a few days ago, and that her father withheld her mother's e-mails and letters because she abandoned her as a toddler. She had been a heroin addict during the 1990s opioid epidemic, and although she had assured and re-assured Rachel's dad for years that she was clean now, she had respected his wishes to keep her away from Rachel. That was, at least, until this past week.

When Steph had asked her about the whole 'running away with Chloe thing', she talked about how she and Chloe met for the first time on Tuesday, about Chloe's mom's boyfriend moving in against her wishes, and how Rachel had asked her parents to take Chloe in for a while. How they only treated her nicely until she revealed she knew about Rachel's bio mom, and how Rachel's dad flipped on her and treated her like a street rat. Rachel nervously confessed how she had found Chloe, and Chloe had found her just in time for their lives to fall apart, and for them to be there for each other when they did.

Steph had been so caught up in her own life, and all the stuff going on with Mikey and Drew and their dad, it hadn't occurred to her how much could be going on outside of what she could see. She always felt like she could see things more clearly than other people, could see how pieces fit together - it was why she made a good stage manager, why she was a good artist. But there were some things she couldn't just piece together from context.

Rachel said she wasn't ready for a relationship right now, and Steph admitted she wasn't ready to date Rachel, that she didn't know her well enough to make a good girlfriend. They agreed they wanted to get to know each other better, and hugged each other tight, and that was it for a while.

Once The Tempest was over, Steph thought she'd have more free time to spend with Rachel, but as classes began to ramp up into finals and Rachel spent more lunches and weekends off with Chloe, they saw each other less for a while. At first that made her sad, but Rachel kept coming back happier, shining brighter than she did before.

Chloe and Steph started to hang out more, too. Chloe's de facto step father, David, proved to be an anthropomorphized kick in the pants, nevermind one of the most pro-authority bootlickers Steph ever had the displeasure of meeting, so Chloe showed up more and more at Blackwell to pick Steph up from the dorms and go for a drive.

Somewhere down the line from watching Bladerunner together and shitting on dudes from 4chan, the two of them realized their mutual love for cyberpunk and deep disdain for most men who professed to like cyberpunk. Mikey and Drew were not those men, though, so sometime in the middle of May the four of them started up a game of Shadowrun after bidding farewell to Calimastia and Elamon. After Chloe's ork street samurai, Mikey's elf mage, and Drew's human decker pulled off their first run, Chloe and Steph managed to peer pressure Rachel into joining as well. She showed up with a dryad shaman and, to no one's surprise, she and Chloe quickly dominated the roleplaying part of the game, although with very different angles (re: their characters were like, super mean to each other).

And this is how, the game night after school let out for the summer, Steph, Chloe, and Rachel ended up bringing backpacks full of homework to the fire ring next to Arcadia Bay's light house. There they drank beer Rachel managed to flirt into her possession and lit the past year on fire, cursing it and all of the shit it had brought them. They all drank too much and Chloe needed an hour or two to be sober enough to drive, so they ended up sitting on the beach, watching the waves roll in and out and the moonlight glimmer over the restless ocean. Chloe, as she often did after drinking, opened up a little, talked about her old friend Max, who had loved pirates and photographs, the girl she'd thought would become her high school sweet heart and marry, but they'd never even kissed and then she fucking left. And she turned petty to keep from turning sad and said how annoying it was that she'd never kissed a girl, didn't even know what it was like.

"It's easy," Steph told her, and held the side of her face as she kissed her.

Chloe was too stunned to even kiss back at first, but she got on her knees and turned so they could face each other properly, and the kiss was rough and they were a little drunk but it was warm and good. It was cute - Rachel even gave a little 'aww' - until Chloe's hand dropped high up on Steph's thigh and she squeezed and Steph moaned into their kiss.

Eventually, Rachel said, "Um, guys?" and they realized what they were doing, and Chloe laughed but Steph was crimson, invisible though it might be in the night.

Steph got dropped off at home first and tried her best to be quiet, but Meiser wouldn't stop barking after she got through the door and she had to shush him and feed him until he went back to bed. She fell asleep still half-clothed and exhausted, but woke up for the first time at 5:30am to a new text message from Rachel.

Rachel: hey, steph? chloe and i kind of just had sex and im having a lot of confusing feelings. Rachel: but i want to talk to both of you tomorrow, or this weekend at least Rachel: i like you and i just want a chance to talk to you both before this one thing makes a decision for me

Steph was jealous, of course. Insanely jealous. Rabidly jealous. But she was more sleepy than even that, so she fell back asleep without sending a reply.

She didn't wake up again until almost 1:00pm, and by then she had several more messages.

Rachel: just lmk when youre up and OK to talk? Rachel: i hope youre not mad at me

And from Chloe.

Chloe: Hey dude i'm really sorry if i kinda... escalated that kissing situation last night esp. when we were drunk.

Steph decided it was best to hold off replying until she'd had breakfast and coffee. Thus, it was almost 2:00pm when she texted them both.

Steph: heya Chloe. it's honestly okay. i liked it, but we don't need to make a thing of it, it was just nice.

Steph: hey Rachel. idk what type of conversation you're looking to have, but last night was weird and i'm not mad. i'm jealous, for sure, but, like, who you have sex with is none of my business.

Whatever else happened, she wasn't going to let this blow up her friendships. She'd been steeling herself against the possibility of Rachel and Chloe getting together this whole time, and she wasn't going to freak out again if that's how today ended. These friendships were new, but they mattered to her, and she'd fight for them.

 Chloe showed up at Steph's house first, to her surprise, so they hung out downstairs and absolutely did not talk about what was son their minds. Instead, they played Super Smash Brothers and waited, even holding back on the smack talk because they were both fragile at the moment and they knew it. Even when Rachel finally arrived, they just switched to Mario Kart Wii and continued to avoid the conversation for a good hour.

Eventually, though, Rachel would not let this stand any further.

After they finished their third 150cc cup, Rachel set her controller down and said, "Guys? We need to talk."

Steph winced. Even if that was the reason why they were here, those were precisely the words she didn't want to hear. Nonetheless, she shut off the Wii and TV. Rachel patted the ground in front of her, and Chloe slipped from Steph's couch to the ground beside her. Steph followed suit, crossing her legs then dropping into her self-made seat.

How do you even start a conversation like this?

Rachel took a deep breath. "First, I just want to acknowledge that we were drinking last night, and things got a little messy and I may have things kind of askew in my head. But the thing is, on my end at least . . . I liked how last night went."

Chloe glanced between them. Her jaw was set and tense, like she was grinding her teeth, her brow furrowed. She asked, "What are you . . . referring to?"

Rachel brushed her hair behind her ear. "Well, um. I told Steph that we . . . were together last night. And I liked that. But I liked all of it. Like, when you two kissed," she tapped her finger-tips together, as if to mimic their kiss, "- that was pretty nice. And just. The whole thing."

"I thought that made you really uncomfortable?" Steph asked, puzzled. 

Rachel shook her head. "No, not, uh, exactly. I thought it was cool, I just . . . maybe liked it too much and I thought that might go weird places."

It took a few seconds to Rachel's meaning to sink it, but it clicked into place with an, "Oh," from Steph.

Rachel started speaking faster now, "Yeah, and I liked it but I also felt pretty jealous because I'd never kissed either of you and that did go kind of weird places," she gave Chloe a pointed glance, but Chloe clearly didn't know how to emote in response.

Visibly uncomfortable, Chloe asked, "Rachel . . . what are you trying to say?"

Rachel put her head in her hands and rocked back and forth for a few seconds, collecting her thoughts. Then she said, "Look, I know that I like both of you. I've known that the whole time, I just . . . I thought I had to decide who I really like or I was going to fuck everything up. But I think going about things that way is where I'm fucking up. I think I just have to tell you both that I like you and I want to know if that is a thing that could be okay with you."

Steph blinked, another piece of the puzzle clicking into place. "Wait, are you saying you want to date Chloe and me?"

Rachel nodded vigorously, visibly relieved that Steph had put it into words. "I do. I know we've only been hanging out together for a few weeks but I really like this. I'd just like to . . . add some stuff. Like. Kissing and having sex . . . please."

Steph was dumbstruck. She wasn't repulsed or anything, she just had absolutely not expected the conversation to go this place and had not been prepared in the slightest. She hadn't even pictured this as a possibility. She wasn't even sure it was a possibility. How do you date two people concurrently?

Chloe raised her hand as she were in a classroom, and Rachel nodded at her. Chloe said, "Yeah, well, if Steph's into it, I am. I like you - you know that. I'm willing to talk about it, at least."

How is it that easy for her? What? 

Rachel's attention turned back to Steph, and she made her nervous hair-brush tic again. "Steph?"

"I . . . I have no idea," Steph said, making a huge shrug. "I don't know what this would look like. Dates, hangouts, holidays - what would any of it look like? And what would Chloe and I be to each other then?"

"I dunno, friends?" Rachel said, shrugging in response. "Or . . . you could also . . ." she made another gesture like she had for their kiss, but more tentatively. She was blushing bright red, somehow more embarrassed about whatever she was trying to say now than all the bold stuff she'd already said.

"Also?" Steph asked. "Kiss? Or . . . date?" She grew increasingly perplexed with each question.

Rachel nodded again, tiny, nervous nods. Steph didn't think she'd ever seen her this meek about something, and knew she was stumbling into something Rachel wanted, but didn't know how to say.

Steph started to get caught in the same bog of embarrassment as Rachel. "I don't . . . think Chloe would be into dat-" but something about the way Chloe was looking at her gave her pause, and silence reigned for a moment.

"D-do you?" Steph finally stuttered out.

Chloe scratched the back of her head and replied, quiet, her voice mostly vocal fry: "I'd be down . . . if you are." When Steph just blinked at her, Chloe continued, more confidently, "You're like, really dorky and cute and hot, dude. Why do you think I was so into our kiss last night?"

"Because . . . because . . . we were drunk and . . ." Steph blinked dumbly for a few seconds, then just dropped onto her back. "BECAUSE I'M DUMB, OKAY?"

Today was too much. This whole conversation was entirely too much.

Eventually, from the floor Steph said, "Look, okay, yes. I like you both differently but I know if you asked separately I'd totally say yes. But is there like, a manual, or . . . something? I don't know what to do with the idea of two girlfriends."

"Actually," Rachel said with a self-conscious chuckle, "I kind of . . . was looking it up on my phone in the middle of the night, and there's like, a whole relationship-help genre for polyamorous people, and I was thinking if you two said 'yes' we could maybe buy some and read them together?"

Steph let out the longest sigh and then, "You're serious, aren't you?"

Rachel said, "I am."

"Chloe?"

"Hm?"

"I don't have a lot of date ideas yet, but if you're going to be sleeping over as often as you have been, we should . . . do that."

"Works for me."

Rachel scooted into Steph's field of view, raising up a finger for attention. She asked, "Steph?

"Yeah?"

"You and I are the only ones who haven't kissed yet. Would you mind if we did?"

Everything was already so crazy. And if there was any part of this that would make all the crazy feel worthwhile . . . maybe that was it. "Sure," she said. "Like, yes."

And Rachel leaned over and kissed her gently, sweetly, her curtain of hair falling over the both of them, blotting out everything but that long, lovely kiss.

When it ended, Rachel whispered, "Girlfriends?"

"Girlfriends," Steph whispered back, her voice filled with wonder.

[ladynoblesong]

Tagged by my darling, dearest @leeia who still has, to this day, the best url(s). ♥

 Gender: Female

Birthday: 13.12.1993

Last movie seen: Murder on the Orient Express. (Yes, I still haven’t seen TLJ.)

What do you post/reblog: Uh - a bit of everything? Nice pictures, bits about shows/characters I like, fairy-tale thingamabobs, texts posts I find funny, Broadway & musicals content... And of course there’s also a fair bit of me screaming about the mess that is my life. 

Last thing you googled: ‘Thingamabob’, haha! I wanted to check I wasn’t talking out of my ass and it was a real word. 

Favourite blog: I ain’t picking faves, pals. ;) For real though, I love & cherish every single one of y’all. 

Dream job: Right now? Well - the official version is becoming a university professor (or the next big name in musical theatre)... But my current peak plan is to just pack up my life & become Patti LuPone’s PA, to be honest. 

Dream trip: New York/Broadway - no one saw this one coming I’m sure! - Seattle, London, anywhere & everywhere in Canada, and all of Scandinavia.  

What would be your first entry in a new diary: Actually I’m going to be starting a new one very soon since I have like, 2 pages left in my current one. Right now it would probably be one of i) me screaming about my fucked-up thesis schedule ii) me screaming about Patti LuPone and/or Megan Mullally and iii) me screaming about Christmas. So, all in all, a lot of screaming I guess?

Top 3 things you love about yourself: My niche knowledge about musical theatre, my eyes, and my friends. ♥ 

3 things you wish you knew how to do: Sing, sew, read & speak German (among many others). 

Something you wish you had discovered/invented first: How many times can I speak about musical theatre before y’all decide to stab me 52 times? Anything ever written by Stephen Sondheim is peak goals, to be honest. But also, because I actually did work on some ~similar~ ideas in the past, Steven Universe and Into The Woods. But mind you, I’d never have pulled it off. So I’d much rather leave those to their respective creators. 

(I also have to mention Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing and all subsequent adaptations, but then again - how full of myself/nerdy can I sound in one (1) answer?)

3 qualities you like in a person: Fun, kind, trustworthy. 

3 qualities you dislike in a person: Overbearing, cruel, demanding. 

Favourite planet: Saturn or Mercury. I don’t know why. 

A resolution you make every year: Find a proper life/work rhythm and stop procrastinating and under-sleeping so goddamn much! 

Something you’re better at than most people: Tongue-twisters (lame, I know) and speed-reading, I guess? Also listening to people - or so I’ve been told. 

Something you’re worse at than most people: Sports/body coordination, fighting the urge to cry (I’m stealing this one, @leeia dear), writing with my left hand.

Favourite thing about Tumblr: The amount of I N C R E D I B L E peeps I’ve met here and become friends with! ♥ #humbledandblessed

Least favourite thing about Tumblr: It’s a naaaaaasty place sometimes (often) y’all. 

Weapon of choice: I’d love to know how to use a sword and/or a gun (though I wouldn’t want to carry one around all day @America - for fuck’s sake.) I used to be decent with a bow & arrow, too. Most often though, just well-chosen words I guess?

Something not many people know about you: Super random but I’ve been wearing prosthetic teeth for um, about ten years now? Once my baby teeth fell out, some of them never grew back and well - here I am now. You get used to it after a while though. 

(Also @leeia if you read this far, you can be a cool aunt to my kids if I ever have them!! ♥) 

Favourite means of transport: I’m really fond of planes and boats actually, plus being in the car at night - but not driving, mind you. 

Favourite story: I have no idea what this question means, so I’ll go with ‘that guy who won three (3) different ice-skating competitions because everyone before him fell.’

Chicken or egg: Is that which came first, or which I prefer to eat? Neither for the first, and eggs for the second. (What a cryptic, half-arsed answer, I know!)

Something that always makes you laugh: 

- Pretty much a l l of Beatrice & Benedick’s banter in Much Ado About Nothing.  - The comic masterpiece that is A Little Priest, especially -though not surprisingly- Patti’s version(s).  (-While I’m on the subject, also her playing the tuba in God That’s Good.) - Obviously, the entire 6 seasons of The Nanny. - Any Vine compilation watched late enough at night.  - @alextriestodrawhatever

What is the strangest thing about you: Probably how much I talk to myself on a daily basis. That’s what people have most commented on, at least. 

You get to switch places with someone for a day, who is it and why: I can’t believe I forgot the last question! Uh, probably someone with a lot of money so I can buy all the tickets I want & get nice things for my friends and family. If in the meantime whoever’s living my life wants to fix my thesis I won’t mind. >:}c 

Tagging: @rawrrawrraygor, @snowgoode, @zevri, @dreamerbee, @feoplepeel, @breatheinandlive, @christmasprimcess, @amyshepherds, @penfairy, @symsyklaus. Happy Winter Holidays to you all! And of course, no need to do this if you don’t want to. ♥ 

[callunawrites]

By the grace of the fire and the flames You're the face of the future, the blood in my veins

Heather’s Top 25 38 Songs of 2017!

saturn — sleeping at last // run baby run — the rigs // the brothel (lidolido remix) — susanne sundfør // can’t pretend — tom odell // capsize — frenship // undiscovered first — feist // feeling good (bassnectar remix) — nina simone // kings — tribe society // river — bishop // human — rag’n’bone man // believer — imagine dragons // feel it still — portugal. the man // girl, you’ll be a woman soon — rafferty // wise enough — lamb // say you’ll be there — MØ // holiest — glass animals // the greatest — sia // bogeyman — johnny hollow // to be human — sia // strangers — halsey // cities in dust — everlove // history — monakr // messiah — prides // i shall rise — karen o // in the sea — ingrid michaelson // i put a spell on you — annie lennox //  personal yeezus — chambaland // gold — imagine dragons // which witch — florence & the machine // thunder — imagine dragons // take me to church — hozier // trouble — valerie broussard // pure feeling — florence & the machine // battle royale — apashe // i may fall — casey williams // not today — bts // is this love — the governors //  sweet dreams — mark hadley ft. dresage

short version | long version

So, the thing is, this mix was originally a whopping 262 songs. That’s 17 hours of delving into my headspace. I know this because the mix in full can be found on spotify, for those adventurous enough. By the end of the year, there may even be more!

The original 200+ can also be found in month format, for those that don’t feel like dealing with... all that. I’m actually a little sad that I don’t get to talk about every single one of them, though I’m sure it would have gotten tedious in the end.

i. saturn || sleeping at last I’d give anything to hear You say it one more time, That the universe was made Just to be seen by my eyes.

This was, according to my last.fm data, my second most played song of 2017. Well, third if we count the song that racked up 10,000 plays because I left it looping on my computer for a week. Whoops. These first four songs on this mix are my Mcshep songs. But also, Sleeping At Last is lovely. There’s several other songs by them on the full mix, but this one is by far my favorite. ii. run baby run || the rigs So wait, keep your heart inside  My hands won't keep it safe I'll just feed on dreams & smile as hope slowly dies. 

And here we have my most played song of 2017, which I’ve basically been listening to nonstop ever since I discovered @randommindtime‘s Mcshep fanvid. It is absolutely earthshaking, entirely haunting, and just all around a beautiful song that describes John Sheppard and all of his issues to a T. 

iii. the brothel (lidolido remix) || susanne sundfør We are ruins within ruins On every corner a gladiator is begging for another century

I’m not sure why this is such a Mcshep song in my mind since I first discovered it as part of a really ridiculously awesome X-Files vid, but my guess is it got thrown into a playlist between two Mcshep songs and was forever that in my head. Fun fact, I only recently, when making the spotify version of this playlist, listened to the original version of the song.  iv. can’t pretend || tom odell Oh, feel our bodies grow, And our souls they blend. This song is the only song that has made it onto all three of my year-in-review mixes. I originally found it in 2015 as part of a Bioshock vid and then last year I rediscovered it in the form of @randommindtime‘s other amazing Mcshep vid. And honestly? I haven’t stopped listening to it since. I have no doubt that it’ll be on 2018′s mix as well. v. capsize || frenship Capsize, I'm first in the water Too close to the bottom I'm right back where I started Said I'm fine I found this song through either a Stydia or a Sterek gifset. I’m like... 90% sure that it was Stydia, because it was around the time that season... 6? came out? Whichever one that Stiles is taken in, and thematically it works pretty well for it. But, I’m equally sure I’ve seen a Sterek gifset for the same song. Whatever. It’s pretty and I like it. vi. undiscovered first || feist The height and the breadth, is it wrong to want more?

Gosh. Okay. So, Legion. Mindfuckery of a show that can basically be summed up in words like ��acid trip” and “dance numbers?” and “omg aubrey plaza.” It was brilliant and horrifying and really, really cool. But what’s more, it had the best fucking music. The 8tracks version of the mix only has two songs from the show, but the full mix on spotify has six or seven.  vii. feeling good (bassnectar remix) || nina simone It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me And I'm feelin' good

This was the second song that I found through Legion. I mean, I’d heard the song before, but holy fucking shit. Like, I knew that I was attracted to Aubrey Plaza, but there’s every other character she’s ever played, and then there’s this role.

viii. kings || tribe society Lost in the world full of nonbelievers Searching for smoke in a stillwater pond A nothing king, they called a dreamer This is my life and I call it a song This and the next song I actually found because I had queued up feeling good on youtube while driving home from my friend’s house after watching that particular episode of legion, and youtube did that thing where it automatically queued up music afterwards? Only I lucked out that night, because the next six or seven songs were absolutely amazing. This was my favorite of those songs and quickly became my Horizon Zero Dawn theme song. ix. river || bishop Can't change the way we are One kiss away from killing

Another of the songs that I found that night! This one also got a lot of play while playing Horizon Zero Dawn.  x. human || rag’n’bone man 'Cause I'm no prophet or messiah You should go looking somewhere higher This song I’d originally found through the Mass Effect Andromeda trailer but it quickly became a favorite of mine.  xi. believer || imagine dragons By the grace of the fire and the flames You're the face of the future, the blood in my veins Even though this song has been in basically every fanvid since it came out, this was also solidly a Mass Effect Andromeda song for me, since I listened to it a bunch when I was playing the game. It’s one of the songs that I actually don’t mind coming on at work. xii. feel it still || portugal. the man Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now I been feeling it since 1966, now

I actually found this song before it got popular! The first time that it played at work/on the radio I was blown away, but I think the first time I’d heard it was on American Gods? At least I found it when I was watching the show. xiii. girl, you’ll be a woman soon || rafferty Well, I finally found what I've been looking for But if they get a chance they'll end it for sure Okay, so for anyone who is paying attention to this who lives in Columbus, I get my hair done at Virtue Salon, which is basically the best salon in the entire world. Even if you don’t live in Columbus, click on that link. Look at those pictures and tell me that isn’t the most adorable salon in the entire world. They have the best playlists every time I go in, and though I am not super fond of some of the lyrics to this song, I really love the slow croonyness to it. That was a really great day. xiv. wise enough || lamb I had a dream that all of time was running dry And life was like a comet falling from the sky I woke so frightened in the dawning, oh, so clear How precious is the time we have here

I first heard this song on the second season of Sense8 and I was struck by just how damn beautiful it is. It almost didn’t make this final list, but in the end I couldn’t count it out. xv. say you’ll be there || mo Any fool can see they're falling, gotta make you understand I'll give you everything on this I swear Just promise you'll always be there

I don’t actually remember what fanmix I originally found this on, but I remember that I was at the intersection of Clime and Harrisburg-Pike just outside the fire station when I realized that it was a gentle, gorgeous cover of a Spice Girls song and basically fell immediately in love.  xvi. holiest || glass animals Yeah, you're the holiest, holiest thing I know This song I found as part of this mix, which is basically a young holy lovers mix and just. has so much quality music. But this song was the first that really made me start looking at Glass Animals. I’d heard some of their stuff before, but never when I was paying attention, not enough for me to decide if I liked them or not. Up until the last month or so, this was my top played track. xvii. the greatest || sia Don't give up, I won't give up Don't give up, no no no

Yeah, there’s no story here. I just really like Sia. xviii. bogeyman || johnny hollow And now I'm dancing for the doomed and the damned And I'm advancing unassumed with dirty hands

Someone I follow on tumblr had reblogged this song back in the spring-summer months when I was feeling very aggressively reylo, and I just. I really like that fairytale where the innocent girl grows up and eats the monster. It’s a favorite of mine and part of the reason that I like pairings like reylo and darklina. xix. to be human || sia And what's the point of knowin' it If you can't change it?

This song came on at the end of Wonder Woman and I made my friend Alex wait until I’d listened to it before I let him leave the theater. I fell pretty rapidly in love with it. xx. strangers || halsey We're not lovers, we're just strangers With the same damn hunger To be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all I won’t say that this is my favorite song off of Halsey’s new album, because that goes to Mourning, but it is the song that I listened to most. I’ve been toying with the idea of an original novel since around the time the album came out, and this song came on while I was plotting some of it out in my head. I really hope I end up writing it. xxi. cities in dust || everlove Your former glories and all the stories Dragged and washed with eager hands But oh, your city lies in dust, my friend  I think the first time that I heard this cover it was when I discovered this mix back in 2015. It was a mix for Holland from the Darker Shade of Magic series, but I ended up going back and listening to the mix again while I was reading the third book in the series. While driving to work one day, I realized how utterly perfect it was for Dishonored, and basically compiled my mix, the salt water sting, over the course of that day.

xxii. history || monakr Oh… when they write of us in history  lauded only for our victory  They don't never tell, never fail to tell They don't ever tell Oh…. other side in history 

So, back in the summer I read Hermione Granger's Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run, and it was absolutely fantastic. But in my humble opinion, the soundtrack that I discovered was somehow even better. I had to limit myself to only two songs from it on here, but a good half of them are on the spotify version.

xxiii. messiah || prides You don't have to lock the door I don't live there anymore.

This is the second song that I chose from that playlist, mostly because it ended up being the lucky track that had an extra play. 

xxiv. i shall rise || karen o They'll know my name When they've forgotten all about you 

I found this song well before I actually started regularly listening to it, and it ended up getting played around the time that I was mining for Dishonored songs for that mix, and those lyrics just called to me. Also, y’know, it’s a really great song. xxv. in the sea || ingrid michaelson No no don't rescue me I like the salt water sting

Another Dishonored song, this was obviously the song - and line - that gave me the title for the mix itself. I think I’d originally heard it as part of a Jaspis mix. xxvi. i put a spell on you || annie lennox I put a spell on you Because you're mine Okay, but this song in Annie Lennox’s smokey gorgeous voice just made me think of gay woodland witches and it was one of the best discoveries of 2017. xxvii. personal yeezus || chambaland Baby we livin' in the moment I've been a menace for the longest But I ain't finished, I'm devoted And you know it, and you know it 

Okay, so let’s talk about Atomic Blonde. It wasn’t the best movie I’ve seen this year, but it appealed to a very visceral, gay part of me and ever since I saw this trailer I was basically in love. I’m sorry, but if you weren’t at least a little gay before watching Charlize Theron have a torrid love affair with Sofia Boutella while simultaneously kicking ass and taking names... you will be.

xxviii. gold | imagine dragons Statues and empires are all at your hands, Water to wine and the finest of sands. When all that you have's turning stale and it's cold, Oh, you'll no longer feel when your heart's turned to gold. I... don’t remember when I first listened to this. I think it was at work? But I saw some really good fanvids, and honestly? I should probably just admit at this point that I just love everything that Imagine Dragons comes out with.

xxix. which witch | florence & the machine Who's a heretic, child? Can you make it stick, now that I'm on trial

I am like 500% sure that I fell in love with this song because @kaikamahine said something about it, because I first started listening to it around the time that I realized Fantastic Beasts had a fandom.

xxx. thunder | imagine dragons Just a young gun with a quick fuse I was uptight, wanna let loose I was dreaming of bigger things And wanna leave my old life behind

Yeah, I just liked it. Also, there have been some really awesome Thor vids to this since Ragnarok came out.

xxxi. take me to church | hozier Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life

I wasn’t actually sure that I still listened to this often enough to add it, but last.fm tells me that it’s my fourth most played song. I mean, it’s a great song, and you can be damn sure that if in a twist of fate Hozier releases an album next year, every single one of those songs will be on the 2018 mix, but it has been a bit.

xxxii. trouble | valerie broussard Dangerously having the time of our lives These boys are just poisonous thorns in our sides Starting fires wherever we go Watching em gamble everything they own I’m just going to direct you to this animation and wail about Six of Crows a lot. Weirdly enough, I think I actually prefer the unfinished version of it. Some bits hadn’t been added yet, but I really love the grittiness of it.

xxxiii. pure feeling | florence & the machine Those strangers carry me I'm lost; they're finding me I... don’t actually remember where I found this one. It probably has to do with @kaikamahine. Either way, I have listened to it A LOT.

xxxiv. battle royale | apashe Work on 'em put a little work on 'em Trigger finger in the air I put a little dirt on 'em

This song is stupid awesome to blare while driving home from work a little fast at 2 in the morning. Also, y’know, it’s just great in general. See, Steve Rogers agrees. Also, oh my gosh, there’s a new Black Panther one.

xxxv. i may fall | casey williams There's a place where we'll stand outnumbered Where the wolves and the soulless will rise In the time of our final moments Every dream dies

So, sometime in the last few months I let my roommate talk me into watching RWBY. I’ve been less than interested in the past because I’m an animation snob and I just... couldn’t. But I marathoned the whole series in like a week. There were three songs that stood out to me, but this song is actually the one that made me finally break down and give it a chance.

xxxvi. not today | bts All the underdogs in the world A day may come when we lose But it is not today Today we fight!

SCREECHING NOISES. MORE SCREECHING NOISES. I’m sorry, but it has to have become apparent by now that my musical tastes are influenced almost entirely by fandom, but fanvids in particular. This song is the BEST pump up song that I’ve found in years.

xxxvii. is this love | the governors Did you think this was love Is love a future of your kind Don't you think I would mind If I would wasted all my time I can't love if you lie This song. Made my year. It’s dark and sexy and a little fucked up, and came around when I was in the middle of reading the Grisha Trilogy and struggling with just how hard Darklina was hitting on every single one of my kinks.

xxxviii. sweet dreams | mark hadley ft. dresage I travel the world And the seven seas, Everybody's looking for something. 

This cover came out as part of the Wrinkle In Time trailer and I fell really, stupidly in love. This was actually a last minute addition, because I couldn’t stand it not being on here.

[ohnooooonedirection]

Three days after the release of his self-titled debut album, and six days after he wore a now-iconic pink suit during a Today show performance, lesbian pop-rock twin bandmates Tegan and Sara tweeted a confession about Harry Styles from their account: “I have a very real crush on @Harry_Styles. Loving the new album and the high waisted wide leg pants.” Check the replies to this admission from mid-May to find a smattering of solidarity from Tegan and Sara fans: “Same.” “Same.” “Same.” “You’re not alone.” “Lesbians for Harry Styles Unite (LHSU).”

The entire internet had a crush, really. And while Tegan and Sara may be the most famous queer women to make their love for Harry (and his style) public, they’re just the tip of the iceberg that is the gay-lady Styles hive. The Great British Bake Off’s Ruby Tandoh wrote a recipe for “Harry Styles’ Dutch Baby with Cinnamon Rhubarb.” Former BuzzFeed writer Katie Heaney (along with current BuzzFeed Books editor Arianna Rebolini) wrote a whole damn book inspired by their love of Harry. My girlfriend has a One Direction wall calendar, and wholeheartedly plans to re-up for 2018. As a queer woman with lukewarm feelings toward the singer, I kept finding myself thinking, What the fuck is up with queer girls and Harry Styles?

Queer women have always rallied around their likeness in pop culture: Ellen DeGeneres, Joan Jett, and pretty much the entire US women’s national soccer team all sit squarely in the elite category of lesbian celebrity icons. It’s not terribly common for queer women to rally around a cis man in the same way. Sure, people love to joke that Justin Bieber and Cole Sprouse look like lesbians, and queer women have harvested fashion inspiration from James Dean and Marlon Brando for decades. But it’s much less common for a cis man to be the subject of a full-blown lesbian pop-culture obsession.

Once he went solo, folks who hadn’t paid attention to 1D started eating up what his fans had obsessed over for years: Harry's sexual ambiguity, androgynous style, boy band appeal, and relatively progressive social awareness. It’s what many women I spoke with characterized as Harry’s “magic.”

I found that Harry Styles means something slightly different to each of his fans. He possesses an ability to be whoever you want him to be. When the lines are blurred between stage persona and social media persona and real persona, when it’s unclear what’s fact and what’s fiction, when his sexuality is an open question, a character is born. Fans can project their own desires onto Harry, in the quiet of their imagination or in their own fanfiction or in group iMessage threads with fellow fans. That’s the magic of Harry.

And that’s the Harry that queer women get so obsessed with. That’s the Harry who has even inspired some women, in becoming infatuated with him, to recognize their own queerness.

Men herald Cher and Whitney and Gaga as their gay pop idols. Have queer women chosen Harry Styles?

One Direction came to fame in 2011 and 2012 by offering a near-24/7 window into their lives, thanks to social media. Twitter and Tumblr livestreams gave fans access to whatever the five cute teens were up to at almost any given time. Fans had an insurmountable pile of content to consume: photos and videos of the boys just pallin’ around backstage on tour, or performing for packed arenas, or pondering their endearingly silly teenage thoughts aloud. No boy band before One Direction roared to fame in such an all-consuming and intimate way, as the technology wasn’t there yet. That near-constant barrage of content gave their OG fans (mainly teenage girls and young women) a feeling of truly knowing the boys. And with that, a sense of ownership over their rise to fame — a sense of ownership of the boys themselves.

Fans immediately fell for the youngest of the group, Harry Styles. Raised in a tiny village equidistant from Liverpool and Manchester, he wields a relentlessly British charisma. Even from the get-go, Harry publicly radiated charm. His boyishness, his ease on camera, his frog prince face — it’s almost unfair how easy it was to love this kid. He exuded, as many celebrities and so few 16-year-olds do, a complete ease in his own skin. According to fans, he seemed to genuinely not give a fuck what people thought about him.

Harry’s either a very reserved person or is incredibly well media-trained �� likely some combination of the two. He rarely shares personal details in interviews, which, as several women I spoke with concluded, makes him very easy to project an imagined personality onto. Compound that mystique with his enigmatic androgyny and surreal level of fame, and Harry is a perfect blank slate.

And thus, a fandom was born. And with every good fandom comes fanfic. And lots of that fanfic is gay. Very, very gay.

Slash fanfic is far from unique to One Direction, but 1D fans took up slash fic in a major way. The main coupling shipped in fic was Harry Styles and bandmate Louis Tomlinson, coined “Larry Stylinson.” Fans went so far as to speculate a real-life romance between the two lads. Though, it didn’t stop with Larry. From stories of Harry and bandmate Niall Horan hooking up on tour to a sentimental imagined romance between Harry and British radio personality Nick Grimshaw, there is a near-infinite trove of gay fanfic involving Harry Styles. In One Direction’s heyday, especially from 2013 through 2015, Tumblr was ablaze with stories of trysts between the boys. This, of course, says more about the fans themselves than of Harry’s own real-life sexuality.

The One Direction fandom really latched onto the Larry slash fic. Julia, a 32-year-old Harry devotee, told me she would read Harry fic “half turned-on, half, like, academically.” This phenomenon, too — of women being into gay male porn — is a well-established one. (Remember that scene in The Kids Are All Right where two wives watch porn, and how people lost their damn minds they were so confused?) Taking heterosexuality out of the equation in porn complicates gender power dynamics in a way that really works for lots of women. So, it makes sense that that phenomenon would translate to 1D fic. Those cute British boys were like queer-girl sex bait.

Let’s make one thing clear: Harry Styles looks like a hot lesbian. With a wiry frame, effeminate features, a shaggy mop, and an enviable wardrobe of floral prints and eye-popping suiting, he’s an absolute Shane. If you’ve never noticed this, perhaps you should hang out with more lesbians.

His fashion sense — that is, fashion not designed to flatter only men — is central to most queer women’s admiration for the pop star. I mean, come on: Those suits! Harry’s bottomless cache of dazzling two-piece suits and patterned blouses has made him a bit of a lesbian fashion icon. “I don’t wear suits often, or hardly ever — but I always want his suits,” says Katie, noting his penchant for sporting outfits that would look great on men and women alike. My girlfriend, Fran, asserts her “personal fandom is rooted in all of his outfits.” (Good answer.) I’m not sure if queer women are suddenly running out and buying Styles-esque suits, but they’re certainly fun to drool over.

Harry came to adopt his now-notorious personal style throughout 2015. It was at this time, too, that he grew his hair down past his shoulders, which amplified his androgynous looks. This androgyny piqued his queer fans’ affection. Even Sara Quin admitted to GQ that she grew her own hair out to look like Harry’s. For many women, long-haired, end-of-One-Direction Harry was a glory age of sorts. “There was a specific moment from late 2014 through early 2016 where he had this long hair and was wearing all YSL, where he was for me, in some magical witch way,” says Julia. He wasn’t a little boy holding hands with Taylor Swift anymore — his presentation had matured into something much more interesting. Something a little queerer.

Styles wears printed two-piece suits while performing in September 2017.

Of course, Justin Bieber was the original “looks like a lesbian” pop star of the social media era. If you’ve never noticed (again, see my above note about hanging out with more lesbians), mid-puberty Justin Bieber looked a lot like an androgynous-leaning woman. Internet lesbians embraced this comparison, and in 2010 the blog of viral fame Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber was born. Women would submit photos (mostly selfies) where their looks were particularly reminiscent of the then-teenage Biebs. (The Tumblr’s most recent post is from April 2017, so it’s not officially dead, just past its heyday.) The account posted masses of photosbetween 2009 and 2012; it was a truly excellent meme.

But IRL, Justin Bieber appears to be — what’s the phrase? — oh, aggressively heterosexual. He very publicly dated Selena Gomez, joined a church that “does not affirm a gay lifestyle,” and has a habit of sliding into random women’s DMs like a true 23-year-old dumbass. Honestly, Bieber’s severe straightness is the perfect punchline after years of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. While he may sport effeminate features (even post-puberty), the star doesn’t represent any sort of queerness in the pop sphere.

Harry Styles, on the other hand, prefers to publicly retain a level of sexual mystique not dissimilar to Bowie and Prince. In the six years that Styles has been in the public eye, his own sexuality has remained an enigma. Even though fans have long speculated about a romance between Harry and Louis Tomlinson, Louis has outright denied any romance between the two — but Harry never has. On the whole, he prefers to keep his own sexuality undefined.

On a 2014 press junket, the British singer said being female was “not that important” a quality in someone he would date. In an interview with the Sun this past May, Harry declines to label his sexuality, seeming to confirm a fluidity fans had long sensed. Since their 2015 On the Road Again tour, it’s become a bit of a tradition at shows for Harry to parade around stage with pride flags brought by fans.

But, hey, coyness doesn’t equal...well, anything. For all we know, Styles has no interest in men whatsoever. He might reach Justin Bieber level on the Het Dude scale behind closed doors. My cynical side suspects he knows that coming out as straight, now, could very well alienate a large portion of the singer’s fanbase. Instead, he gets the best of both worlds by keeping things vague. Having his rainbow cake and eating it too, as it were.

But it ultimately doesn’t matter whether Harry Styles is gay or straight or one of the many other iterations of human sexuality. What’s important is that he appears to publicly champion non-definition.

FULL ARTICLE

[bardqueenofgallifrey]

I didn't have a tumblr account in 2013, so I have no idea how the fuck a 53-year-old Sci fi show became part of something as cringe as "superwholock". I mean, I watch Sherlock but damn this match makes no sense. Could you explain to me how it happened please???

Honestly? I don’t know exactly.

I was never really a part of SuperWhoLock, and I don’t think I was on here for the origins either, but whenever it was that I did get on here, I was just a passionate Whovian who also watched and liked Sherlock (these days I’m pretty indifferent about Sherlock one way or another, and give as few shits about Supernatural as I ever did).  

BUT, I’m gonna see if I can try and work out/theorise how SuperWhoLock rose and fell, if only to try and make the point that Doctor Who never deserved to be lumped in with it. Feel free to challenge any points I make, because I’m guessing here. 

although, frankly, this idea of cringe culture is kinda snobby and gross. let people like shit, damn, if they’re not hurting anyone or trying to say Supernatural is the best show ever, who gives a fuck, honestly

Firstly, the thing about Doctor Who is that it has been around for literal multiple decades. Almost fifty four years. It has been around since before some of our parents were born. 

Doctor Who fans were around long before the internet was invented. They were here before, and will be here long after everyone has forgotten what the hell Supernatural ever was. Doctor Who fans are now the ones making Doctor Who. They were the ones who, when it got cancelled, created an entire thriving Audio Drama business through the love of it that still existed everywhere, and they are the ones who brought it back and now create it. They’ve never let it die. 

You know why? Why Doctor Who’s endured, and is so passionately loved by so many, and before all this mess wasn’t any more cringy than being into Star Trek? Because it’s good. 

It is a flawed show, of course (always, somehow, in some way, in ways that vary across different eras), but one that is good in a reckless, nonsensical, optimistic way. No matter the ups and downs of its objective quality, it’s never really lost its heart. 

It is a show with a protagonist that uses words/intelligence/compassion over violence to fight, a show that focuses on telling hopeful adventures that can be watched by children and also inform them of some of the harsher aspects of the world in an interesting way.

Also, it’s always been quite progressive. It had the first female drama producer at the BBC, and a gay Indian director. No one wanted it to succeed and it’s a miracle the show ever got off the ground. 

People like to talk about the “screaming Classic companions” but you know what? Fuck that. The Classic ladies were all wonderful, including the biggest screamers. Susan? The Doctor’s granddaughter, genius, with telepathic abilities and a whole lot of heart. Mel? Computer programmer aka fucking smarty pants, who once flipped the Doctor over her shoulder, and was such a genuinely nice person that it was genuinely impressive. Zoe? Adorable 60′s companion who canonically had a higher IQ than the Doctor. 

Doctor Who ladies have been awesome since the beginning, and calling out misogyny from the beginning. 

(It ALSO had errors of its time, especially an Orientalism issue that is pervasive through a lot of older sci-fi, that can’t and shouldn’t be forgotten either. But that’s for the most part irrelevant to this discussion other than the general whiteness which is still obviously a problem albeit one the show is slowly working on.)

The reboot then brought in (some, not enough) queer characters and main characters of colour, etc, and its general diversity has only been getting better and better on that front for the most part, especially in the last couple of years. 

But anyway, how the hell did it get mixed up with the whole SuperWhoLock mess? 

Well, the reboot brought in a whole new generation of fans, and only got bigger and bigger and bigger, and was peaking RIGHT about when Sherlock aired. 

The Doctor Who and Sherlock crossover is easy enough to work out; they had the same headwriter(s), and they’re both about neurodivergent (coded??) genius white guys that theoretically have a kind of unconventional attractiveness to them. You can see how they drew in the same crowd. 

Now, how the hell Supernatural became a part of that, I’ve no idea. I’ve never been a Supernatural fan (even if I did watch the first four and a half seasons once, more or less enjoy them, but also not find them massively interesting). 

But I’m going to assume it’s because it again involved white guys with Big Emotions, that the fans could thirst over, who were undertaking some larger than life shit. 

My theory is that it, at least partly, was the White Male Slash Fandom. 

You know. That group of mostly straight girls who treat shipping conventionally attractive white men like a fetish and a kink to explore, who will ship basically any two CAWM under the sun if they so much as look at each other. I imagine the Johnlock crowd overlapped with the Destiel and Wincest crowd, and Doctor Who, since it had Ten/Simm!Master (and Eleven/Rory to a lesser extent) as well as some nice hetero ships, kind of got dragged along because almost everyone in the Sherlock fandom was probably in the Doctor Who fandom too. 

You can kind of see how it fits. The Supernatural gang and the Team TARDIS are big damn heroes with a lot of heart, while Sherlock fulfilled the ideal levels of pretentiousness that we all go through in our teenage years. 

Of course, then everyone realised that Supernatural kinda sucks because it’s an incredibly white, incredibly male, incredibly STRAIGHT show that just queerbaits its audience and doesn’t know when to call it quits, and so everyone started jumping ship. 

Then everyone looked at Sherlock, either went “this has its issues but it’s still fun”, “this is QUEERBAITING TOO, WHY WONT JOHNLOCK KISS, FUCK MOFFISS”, or “this is also incredibly white, incredibly male, and incredibly straight, so fuck this also”, and that was it for Sherlock and general opinion too. 

(For the record: Johnlock was not queerbait. Johnlock was an expression of Steven Moffat’s own very intimate, but platonic, friendship with Mark Gatiss, and they explicitly told everyone they were not gonna make it gay. And then the toxic ass fandom, deluded out their minds, started sending Gatiss - an actual gay man - abuse about being “an honorary straight” for not making their fetishised fictional relationship canon, at one point literally the day after the Pulse massacre. Seriously. What the fuck. Never speak about it being queerbaiting ever again and leave Mark Gatiss the fuck alone.) 

Now. Doctor Who had meanwhile been dealing with the changeover of the showrunner. 

Series 5 went down pretty well for the most part, but a lot of people had their issues with Series 6 and Series 7. The fandom had kind of gotten too big, for a show this unconventional. To the point of a lot of people not being able to deal with the distinct change from the style of Russell T Davies, because they weren’t really aware of how the show needs to reinvent itself constantly even on a stylistic level. Because they were treating the show like any other show, when one can’t really do that. 

It was all kind of a mess of:

very mixed fan reception on Series 6

Series 7 being on the weaker side (not as weak as some people who missed the whole point of Clara’s storyline make it out to be, but weak nonetheless, though Moffat has admitted to this and explained it was because he was under so much pressure about the looming 50th anniversary, and like, fuck, fair enough)

people being pissed at Moffat for Sherlock shit

Russell T Davies having done quite a few things in his era that are questionable from a wider Doctor Who standpoint, which Moffat as the Ultimate Who Fan didn’t go along with, only to then receive hate from people who were convinced that if RTD did something it must be right, because they haven’t seen Classic Who or apparently bothered to do a couple of google searches to educate themselves

plus, a few of Moffat’s quotes around 2012ish got taken out of context because he’s a sarcastic little shit who runs his mouth

and so people got the idea that Moffat’s a narcissistic misogynist who “loves white men”

also people confused “plot hole” with “is going to be explained later” and complained about him having plot holes in series 5-7 when really it’s just that he was waiting to tie up all the loose ends in Matt Smith’s finale episode

Anyway, thus began the popular - to this day! - sentiment of thinking that Moffat is one of the worst things to happen to television, or at least Doctor Who (and Sherlock Holmes). 

And so, that was the “downfall” of Doctor Who and SuperWhoLock, so to speak, as all three shows were written off by the wider Tumblr/nerd community as being incredibly cringy. 

Now, to examine it from today’s view, in light of recent series/opinion about the series/the female Doctor reveal. 

The problem is, the general attitude about Moffat - who don’t get me wrong, is far from a flawless writer, or person - has literally reached the point of mass delusion. It’s very clear that literally thousands of people have a completely fictionalised version of him in their heads. 

How do I know this? I saw someone say that a female Doctor was a “defiance of everything the Moffat era stood for”. 

As in, the same Moffat era that, in the last three seasons:

explicitly made the genderfluidity of Time Lords canon (Dark Water/Death In Heaven, World Enough And Time)

changed the Master into a woman (Dark Water)

had the now female Master refer to becoming a woman as an “upgrade” (The Witch’s Familiar)

had a companion’s whole storyline be about “becoming the Doctor” in her own right, with her getting a whole episode of her pretending to be the Doctor, and her flying off in her own TARDIS with a companion of her own in the end of her final episode! (Flatline, Hell Bent)

had ANOTHER companion’s storyline end with her immortal space girlfriend at the console of the TARDIS, offering for her to travel through all of time and space with her in a direct parallel to the Nine/Rose offer from the first episode to the reboot (The Doctor Falls, Rose)

had a Time Lord regenerate from a white guy to a black lady onscreen just to FINALLY shut up people who said race/gender changes couldn’t happen (Hell Bent)

had the Doctor positively reacting to the suggestion that he could be  - or had been - a woman, multiple times (Death In Heaven, World Enough And Time, The Doctor Falls)

Moffat’s era has been statistically proven to have shifted public opinion in favour of a female Doctor (ask @scriptscribbles, if you want proof), thanks to the above. 

Simm!Master: “She? Is the future going to be all girl?” 

Twelve: “We can only hope.” 

Also, Moffat wrote Lumley!Doctor in The Curse of Fatal Death in 1999. He’s been pushing for a female Doctor for 18 damn years. 

So, the idea that anyone thinks he’s against it, as opposed to having explicitly worked to help make it happen for years, shows that the general opinion of him is literally a mass fictionalisation/delusion. 

(It’s just one example, but there are hundreds of others, like how everyone seems to think he thinks of himself as The Greatest Ever and having a huge ego, when he’s literally one of the most self-deprecating people ever, if you watch him in an interview. He’s openly admitted to mistakes he’s made on his time on the show, such as the way he handled the scene at the end of Flesh and Stone, and how Series 7 wasn’t his best because of the pressure he was under about the upcoming 50th anniversary; he is aware of his fallibility.) 

He’s not a perfect person, or writer, and no one knows that better than him. There’s a lot of critical discussions we could have about his writing, and there are a fair few actual problems with it, just as there are in the RTD era, and every damn era of Who that has existed. I’m not saying everybody has to like it, because every era of Doctor Who is down to personal preference, and that’s fine. There are plenty of rational, well-informed people, fans and otherwise, who have their -often sound - reasons for not liking Moffat and/or his era of Who in general. I am friends with some of them. 

But those rational, well-informed people are like, 5% of the people who otherwise make up a sea of loud, ignorant delusion that condemns Doctor Who under Moffat’s direction and downright refuses to acknowledge some of the amazing stuff it’s done in the last few years. 

(Like, Series 10 featured a black lesbian co-lead who got a happy ending, leaving the Moffat era finishing strong on six canonically sapphic women, four of whom are still alive, none of whom died pointlessly or without agency, and three of whom are immortal or close enough, in a time when all other TV sapphics are dropping dead like flies. It also had the Doctor punch a racist in the face and comment on how history is whitewashed, and had an episode slamming capitalism. Plus, the finale canonised that Time Lords don’t view gender the same way, reinforcing canon genderfluid Time Lords.)  

Between his second and third seasons of DW being divisive and/or a bit weak, all the Sherlock shit going down, and the fall of Supernatural, and the issue of people taking RTD Who as the baseline for everything Doctor Who when they really shouldn’t have, anti-Moffat sentiments got so big that masses of people fell off the show, and continue to refuse to acknowledge that he might have done anything worthwhile with it since they left. That he might, as a person, have developed and improved. 

And so, that is potentially how Doctor Who got lumped in with SuperWhoLock, labelled “not progressive”, and considered “cringy” to this day. 

Or at least, that’s my theory, as someone who wasn’t really paying a lot of attention, but knows her Doctor Who. 

[noahfence1d]

Three days after the release of his self-titled debut album, and six days after he wore a now-iconic pink suit during a Today show performance, lesbian pop-rock twin bandmates Tegan and Sara tweeted a confession about Harry Styles from their account: “I have a very real crush on @Harry_Styles. Loving the new album and the high waisted wide leg pants.” Check the replies to this admission from mid-May to find a smattering of solidarity from Tegan and Sara fans: “Same.” “Same.” “Same.” “You’re not alone.” “Lesbians for Harry Styles Unite (LHSU).”

The entire internet had a crush, really. And while Tegan and Sara may be the most famous queer women to make their love for Harry (and his style) public, they’re just the tip of the iceberg that is the gay-lady Styles hive. The Great British Bake Off’s Ruby Tandoh wrote a recipe for “Harry Styles’ Dutch Baby with Cinnamon Rhubarb.” Former BuzzFeed writer Katie Heaney (along with current BuzzFeed Books editor Arianna Rebolini) wrote a whole damn book inspired by their love of Harry. My girlfriend has a One Direction wall calendar, and wholeheartedly plans to re-up for 2018. As a queer woman with lukewarm feelings toward the singer, I kept finding myself thinking, What the fuck is up with queer girls and Harry Styles?

Queer women have always rallied around their likeness in pop culture: Ellen DeGeneres, Joan Jett, and pretty much the entire US women’s national soccer team all sit squarely in the elite category of lesbian celebrity icons. It’s not terribly common for queer women to rally around a cis man in the same way. Sure, people love to joke that Justin Bieber and Cole Sprouse look like lesbians, and queer women have harvested fashion inspiration from James Dean and Marlon Brando for decades. But it’s much less common for a cis man to be the subject of a full-blown lesbian pop-culture obsession.

Once he went solo, folks who hadn’t paid attention to 1D started eating up what his fans had obsessed over for years: Harry's sexual ambiguity, androgynous style, boy band appeal, and relatively progressive social awareness. It’s what many women I spoke with characterized as Harry’s “magic.”

I found that Harry Styles means something slightly different to each of his fans. He possesses an ability to be whoever you want him to be. When the lines are blurred between stage persona and social media persona and real persona, when it’s unclear what’s fact and what’s fiction, when his sexuality is an open question, a character is born. Fans can project their own desires onto Harry, in the quiet of their imagination or in their own fanfiction or in group iMessage threads with fellow fans. That’s the magic of Harry.

And that’s the Harry that queer women get so obsessed with. That’s the Harry who has even inspired some women, in becoming infatuated with him, to recognize their own queerness.

Men herald Cher and Whitney and Gaga as their gay pop idols. Have queer women chosen Harry Styles?

One Direction came to fame in 2011 and 2012 by offering a near-24/7 window into their lives, thanks to social media. Twitter and Tumblr livestreams gave fans access to whatever the five cute teens were up to at almost any given time. Fans had an insurmountable pile of content to consume: photos and videos of the boys just pallin’ around backstage on tour, or performing for packed arenas, or pondering their endearingly silly teenage thoughts aloud. No boy band before One Direction roared to fame in such an all-consuming and intimate way, as the technology wasn’t there yet. That near-constant barrage of content gave their OG fans (mainly teenage girls and young women) a feeling of truly knowing the boys. And with that, a sense of ownership over their rise to fame — a sense of ownership of the boys themselves.

Fans immediately fell for the youngest of the group, Harry Styles. Raised in a tiny village equidistant from Liverpool and Manchester, he wields a relentlessly British charisma. Even from the get-go, Harry publicly radiated charm. His boyishness, his ease on camera, his frog prince face — it’s almost unfair how easy it was to love this kid. He exuded, as many celebrities and so few 16-year-olds do, a complete ease in his own skin. According to fans, he seemed to genuinely not give a fuck what people thought about him.

Harry’s either a very reserved person or is incredibly well media-trained — likely some combination of the two. He rarely shares personal details in interviews, which, as several women I spoke with concluded, makes him very easy to project an imagined personality onto. Compound that mystique with his enigmatic androgyny and surreal level of fame, and Harry is a perfect blank slate.

And thus, a fandom was born. And with every good fandom comes fanfic. And lots of that fanfic is gay. Very, very gay.

Slash fanfic is far from unique to One Direction, but 1D fans took up slash fic in a major way. The main coupling shipped in fic was Harry Styles and bandmate Louis Tomlinson, coined “Larry Stylinson.” Fans went so far as to speculate a real-life romance between the two lads. Though, it didn’t stop with Larry. From stories of Harry and bandmate Niall Horan hooking up on tour to a sentimental imagined romance between Harry and British radio personality Nick Grimshaw, there is a near-infinite trove of gay fanfic involving Harry Styles. In One Direction’s heyday, especially from 2013 through 2015, Tumblr was ablaze with stories of trysts between the boys. This, of course, says more about the fans themselves than of Harry’s own real-life sexuality.

The One Direction fandom really latched onto the Larry slash fic. Julia, a 32-year-old Harry devotee, told me she would read Harry fic “half turned-on, half, like, academically.” This phenomenon, too — of women being into gay male porn — is a well-established one. (Remember that scene in The Kids Are All Right where two wives watch porn, and how people lost their damn minds they were so confused?) Taking heterosexuality out of the equation in porn complicates gender power dynamics in a way that really works for lots of women. So, it makes sense that that phenomenon would translate to 1D fic. Those cute British boys were like queer-girl sex bait.

Let’s make one thing clear: Harry Styles looks like a hot lesbian. With a wiry frame, effeminate features, a shaggy mop, and an enviable wardrobe of floral prints and eye-popping suiting, he’s an absolute Shane. If you’ve never noticed this, perhaps you should hang out with more lesbians.

His fashion sense — that is, fashion not designed to flatter only men — is central to most queer women’s admiration for the pop star. I mean, come on: Those suits! Harry’s bottomless cache of dazzling two-piece suits and patterned blouses has made him a bit of a lesbian fashion icon. “I don’t wear suits often, or hardly ever — but I always want his suits,” says Katie, noting his penchant for sporting outfits that would look great on men and women alike. My girlfriend, Fran, asserts her “personal fandom is rooted in all of his outfits.” (Good answer.) I’m not sure if queer women are suddenly running out and buying Styles-esque suits, but they’re certainly fun to drool over.

Harry came to adopt his now-notorious personal style throughout 2015. It was at this time, too, that he grew his hair down past his shoulders, which amplified his androgynous looks. This androgyny piqued his queer fans’ affection. Even Sara Quin admitted to GQ that she grew her own hair out to look like Harry’s. For many women, long-haired, end-of-One-Direction Harry was a glory age of sorts. “There was a specific moment from late 2014 through early 2016 where he had this long hair and was wearing all YSL, where he was for me, in some magical witch way,” says Julia. He wasn’t a little boy holding hands with Taylor Swift anymore — his presentation had matured into something much more interesting. Something a little queerer.

Of course, Justin Bieber was the original “looks like a lesbian” pop star of the social media era. If you’ve never noticed (again, see my above note about hanging out with more lesbians), mid-puberty Justin Bieber looked a lot like an androgynous-leaning woman. Internet lesbians embraced this comparison, and in 2010 the blog of viral fame Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber was born. Women would submit photos (mostly selfies) where their looks were particularly reminiscent of the then-teenage Biebs. (The Tumblr’s most recent post is from April 2017, so it’s not officially dead, just past its heyday.) The account posted masses of photos between 2009 and 2012; it was a truly excellent meme.

But IRL, Justin Bieber appears to be — what’s the phrase? — oh, aggressively heterosexual. He very publicly dated Selena Gomez, joined a church that “does not affirm a gay lifestyle,” and has a habit of sliding into random women’s DMs like a true 23-year-old dumbass. Honestly, Bieber’s severe straightness is the perfect punchline after years of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. While he may sport effeminate features (even post-puberty), the star doesn’t represent any sort of queerness in the pop sphere.

Harry Styles, on the other hand, prefers to publicly retain a level of sexual mystique not dissimilar to Bowie and Prince. In the six years that Styles has been in the public eye, his own sexuality has remained an enigma. Even though fans have long speculated about a romance between Harry and Louis Tomlinson, Louis has outright denied any romance between the two — but Harry never has. On the whole, he prefers to keep his own sexuality undefined.

On a 2014 press junket, the British singer said being female was “not that important” a quality in someone he would date. In an interview with the Sun this past May, Harry declines to label his sexuality, seeming to confirm a fluidity fans had long sensed. Since their 2015 On the Road Again tour, it’s become a bit of a tradition at shows for Harry to parade around stage with pride flags brought by fans.

But, hey, coyness doesn’t equal...well, anything. For all we know, Styles has no interest in men whatsoever. He might reach Justin Bieber level on the Het Dude scale behind closed doors. My cynical side suspects he knows that coming out as straight, now, could very well alienate a large portion of the singer’s fanbase. Instead, he gets the best of both worlds by keeping things vague. Having his rainbow cake and eating it too, as it were.

But it ultimately doesn’t matter whether Harry Styles is gay or straight or one of the many other iterations of human sexuality. What’s important is that he appears to publicly champion non-definition.

Generally speaking, women tend to exist in a state of sexual fluidity more often than men do. A 2015 study from the University of Notre Dame found that women were three times more likely than men to report a shift in their sexual orientation, and more likely than men to identify as bisexual. What’s more, younger generations of LGBT people have been embracing fluidity and rejecting traditional labels of sexuality. A 2016 study found only 48% of Generation Z identified as exclusively heterosexual, compared with 65% of millennials.

So then, perhaps it’s Harry’s refusal to conform to mainstream sexual terminology that makes him so appealing to queer women. For many, seeing a pop star of extreme fame not only embrace a refusal to label, but appear to thrive in that gray area of sexuality, might be a relief. Sure, his private life could very well be less fluid. But publicly rejecting the notion of being “gay” or “straight” or “bisexual” — all of which have clear meanings — could be, for many non-straight women, something to celebrate.

But that, too, is an oversimplification of why queer women go fucking bananas for Harry Styles. After all, plenty of other celebrities keep their sexuality shrouded in mystery, or just choose to remain in the glass closet. So, still, why Harry?

On the topic of sexual fluidity, let’s get another thing out of the way: It’s not that queer women necessarily want to fuck Harry Styles. Sure, women tend not to adhere to gendered boundaries of attraction as rigidly as men do. But the Harry Styles obsession, for most gay women, is not “He’s so hot that I’d go straight for him,” nor is it “He looks like a lesbian, so that turns me on even though he’s a dude.” This love is not anchored in wanting to bone Harry. (Though, yeah, some would love to bone Harry.)

Hug? Yes. Flirting? Definitely. Engage in a drawn-out, rom-com-esque love affair that ends in kissing? Surprisingly, yes. But it’s not about sex in a straightforward sense.

“Addie” (who asked not to be named), a 29-year-old queer writer, would put wanting to sleep with Harry at, “like, number 17 of the reasons why I’m intrigued by him.” For Addie, “it's more of a kindred spirit situation, and I'd rather be him, or be like him, than sleep with him.” This feeling’s pretty common for queer people; think about gay men with Madonna or Beyoncé or Carly Rae Jepsen. Queer kids, before really tussling with their sexualities, often conflate these feelings of admiration with sexual attraction.

Julia has sexual fantasies starring Harry Styles, yes. But she clarifies that if the real-life Harry Styles made a move on her, she’d probably reject the advances. She then goes on to detail, “basically I want to watch him get fucked, then also zip his skin around me in a suit.” So, suffice it to say, these feelings are sexual, sure; but none of the women I spoke to were lusting after the real Harry Styles. Just the fanfic-born idea of Harry.

For some women, like Katie, their crush on Harry Styles is like a middle school crush: pure, nonsexual, anchored in cuteness and kindness. The kind of crush you had before you really understood your own sexuality whatsoever. “I can give myself flies thinking about Harry Styles flirting with me,” says Katie. “But my imagination ends there.” Similarly, Fran describes her ideal, real-life relationship with Harry to be “someone I see at four to six parties per year who I always flirt with, and who reciprocates, but literally nothing [sexual] ever happens.” (Again...good answer.)

And it’s not strictly about the music, either. Some women connect to the music itself, while others love it merely as an extension of Harry’s existence, like the “magical” era of long-haired Harry, mid-to-late 1D — once he was no longer the squeaky teen he was on The X Factor — holds a special place in the hearts of fans. Several fans cited the band’s 2013 album, Midnight Memories, in particular. Solo Harry falls more into the category of mom-like pride in their grown-up boy: “I love it because it’s Harry.” As Julia says, “Does a mother like her child’s macaroni art? Objectively, no. But yes, it’s the best thing she’s ever seen. I listen to [One Direction’s music] because I like to have them in my ears, but not because I like it.”

Fandoms are a funny thing. They can elicit such intense and unexpected joy, and the resulting friendships, more often than not, come to overshadow the thing itself. It’s like sports: It’s nice to have a thing, completely out of your control, that’s fun to talk about and obsess over without any actual, real-life stakes. A bizarre interview prompts an inside joke, a trek to a concert in New Jersey prompts another, and over time real-life, intimate friendships have been stitched. Addie tells me her life as a Harry stan brought her a whole new slate of queer women friends, including Julia. The One Direction community is far from the first one queer women have bonded over online: Everything from Buffy to The Social Network to American Idol has had rabid, fanfic-penning queer fans online. But still, it’s had quite a robust impact on the lives of many queer women.

For some queer women, the particular joy unveiled in the Harry Styles fandom is and was a newfound sense of connection to one’s own body and sexuality. Perhaps the strangest and most notable part of all this is the women who attribute their realization that they’re gay, in some part, to their love for Harry Styles.

Julia remembers the exact moment she realized she was gay, at age 29. It was early 2014, and she’d been consuming as much Harry content as possible over the previous two months — photos, videos, fanfic, the works. One evening, she and a friend were exchanging emails about Harry (you know, normal things), when she was sent an email of about a dozen GIFs of Harry Styles (naturally). Something struck her.

“I remember so clearly looking at those GIFs of Harry and being like, ‘I’m gay,’” she recounts. “I can’t really explain why… Something about this has unleashed a reality within me that’s like, I know myself now.” Julia attributes her sudden connection to herself and her sexuality to her love for this androgynous-leaning, charismatic pop star. It was wrapped up in her realizing she had a crush on a woman, who she now realizes she was conflating with Harry.

A similar thing happened to Katie Heaney. Her love for Harry, which peaked in 2014–15, “was much timed to my sexual awakening in my late twenties. I was completely obsessed with a boy band — for the first time in my life — at the exact moment that I’m turning away from men in general.” Julia and Katie’s stories are not identical (as no two coming-out experiences are), but are both inextricably linked to their fixation on Harry. Both women also describe feeling a sort of “second adolescence” during their coming-out periods. (Imagine feeling all that crazy, intense horniness and obsession, but with a parent-free apartment, a 401K, and a decade’s worth of weird pseudo-exes. That’s what coming out later in life is like.)

Perhaps Katie and Julia’s unapologetic love for a teen boy band sparked that second adolescence, or vice versa. In any case, the near-crazed feelings of boy band fandom and teen-esque sexual discovery can go hand-in-hand.

There’s no crystallized explanation for why so many queer women love Harry Styles so achingly. I’ve learned that the avenues by which fans arrive at Harry appear to be as multifarious as those to arrive at one’s own sexuality. I guess all I’m saying is, perhaps more lesbian bars could stay in business by adopting Harry Styles cosplay nights. If given the opportunity to exist as Harry, as this idealized prism of confidence and androgyny and fluidity and glitter and youthful joy — well, who wouldn’t come out for that?

[kickasswireup]

Quick update

I was fucked up for like half of May

I have been going on many hikes with friends recently and seeing people a lot more

I have been getting away from weed and drugs in general. I did a little alp+alc tonight and it didn’t do anything. If anything, I ate and felt a lot less exhausted (protested today. An incredibly powerful and sometimes boring experience. Worth it.).

Because I have been seeing friends more, I am noticing my social tendencies and things that I want to work on. Weed brain does not help. But I think at the very least this provides the means to change those tendencies for the better :)

Listening to a lot less sad music, great! Listening to a bit less music, good! Spending less time with earbuds in, fantastic. Absolutely wonderful to be present.

I find myself very grateful and appreciative of moments a lot more now. I think the clicker has helped. I didn’t really use it today. I don’t care that much about it. It’s inconvenient and loud. Now I’m just like “damn this is good....holy shit this is really good” and it’s great!!! I do still click the clicker and use it occasionally. I find myself having an unusual attraction to the clicker. It’s comforting in my pocket and when I don’t have it, I find myself irked.

I don’t know how well Lydia and I really click, and I’ve recently developed sexual intentions, which I am reconsidering. Would be interested in seeing what cuddling would be like though.

My scheduling is pretty loose. I still don’t do much in terms of routine or daily things. A lot of time I spend on tumblr or with friends or just thinking or just staring off into space. I’d like to get back into Spanish and piano and pushups again. It was legit fun last time. Maybe planking too!

I am wayyyyyy more lax than I...I guess than I was with Addie. I still find myself being unnecessarily harsh and impatient in some situations. Though having weed brain and being high has definitely given me some perspective on how slower thinking can be really frustrating in itself and how learning can be a real struggle.

I do a lot of new stuff still. Things are always changing in one way or another around me. I do all sorts of things with my friends, and ALL BULLSHIT—>(my desire to be interesting or to literally just do stuff with my friends) what I really mean to say is I’ve met and developed friendships with some different people, and they expose me to things I would have never pursued on my own. I love my friends and they inspire me to be better.

I talk about my feelings. I am doing so well. I wish I had someone to sleep next to and touch and all that. But day-to-day, I am doing quite well. Lots of ups and downs. Downs are hard and they hurt. Sometimes that’s nice. Sometimes. Reminds me of what’s important. Ups can be really nice. Realized yesterday that I have a feeling of joy and connection (yes, the one from the best memory note, eating dinner with Lynna’s family) probably like bidaily. I laugh a lot, and smile plenty. I’m trying to stop laughing off serious things in order to avoid emotions. I really am getting better, overall, in so many different ways.

Got drunk + I was already tired last night and I had a lot of feelings and bad stuff and I masturbated to porn and ended up actually crying over it. I’m so sick of being an addict. I sleep with my phone in another room, and I try not to get drunk alone anymore. I am learning to identify and label my addiction voice. I am filling my life with other things instead of just trying to take away the addiction. I’m also addicted to weed, but that’s been somewhat easier to deal with, even though all of my friends smoke (cept Lydia). It’s hardest when my thoughts and emotions get really bad. But it’s easy most of the time. Being high is nice sometimes. Sometimes! But for many things I find myself doing, coming back to, enjoying...weed dulls the experience. I can’t stand craving things rather than wanting them. Makes me feel out of control and like I’m seeking things out for the wrong reasons. Which I usually am. Oh, and I’ve been doing really damn well with porn, mostly because as I said I was fucked up for most of May so usually I fell asleep within minutes and had absolutely no trouble sleeping. And porn hasn’t occurred to me as something I can do. I don’t think about it that much. Sure as hell masturbate a lot though, and I def use that clicker when I do. Kinda funny carrying around a button which does not carry with it the conditioning of any one specific enjoyable feeling, but a range.

The world is so fascinating sometimes, and going through rich neighborhoods and seeing the views and the architecture and the landscaping is a good way to be grateful, and to realize you have opinions about a lot of things, and sometimes they’re abnormally strong or weak. But you must cling to the things you feel strongly for and investigate the things for which you do not feel much. Perhaps there is more underneath!

I ended up cleaning the whole downstairs, dusting and vacuuming over some places more than once, washing all the towels, the sink, the counter tops, putting things away, the whole lot, even banging the seats of the chairs in order to encourage dust out, in order to try and seem appealing to Lydia. She said “is it always so barren/blank in here?” That’s how it felt to me too. I’m gonna start drawing again.

I’m in my 20’s, dude.

I might look for jobs in the USAF and I might apply soon, or just after summer ends. Free college, cushy job...no real threats, potential for deployment across the world. Good stuff! I’m feeling a lot better about how I would handle basic and the military in general.

It’s nice to receive validation from others, especially when it’s something I’m not particularly confident about, but recently...I don’t know. I should be invited places. I should be thought of in a positive light. Not all of me and not always, but most of the time, in general. I’m funny, observant, strong, and brave. I have seen all of those qualities shine in myself recently and I’m really...I’m really doing well.

You will love yourself. You will continue getting better. You are shredded. You kick ass.

You WILL try in your relationships, so help me god if it makes it so that I ask the same questions to every single person or that I have a formula that best works on people to get them to enjoy talking to me and for me to enjoy talking to them, I don’t give a fuck! I wanna enjoy people more. I wanna connect more. And that comes from me. To stray somewhat from music, to be curious in more in general, to learn facts and jokes and questions and to learn how to listen and to DO more so that there is more I can cling to in someone’s response. But do not listen just to reply...it’s nice to say what you wanna say, but it’s....it doesn’t always feel good. Feels like you’re discounting or erasing what the other person said. Bleh. Nighty night son.

[wrcngbitch]

FOX’S OPINIONS ON TW S6E17 WHILE TIPSY BUT WAY TOO INTO IT ( warning it’s stupidly long, i’m kinda blunt, it’s all over the place )

1. the scene between malia and scott is very important. like, he’s listening for his mom, she puts his hand on his, he does not FLINCH till he hears his mother is okay. i do admit most of their relationship has felt quite last minute & forced ( just wish it had been a slower burn ), but this was good. he didn’t find instant comfort in a girl. he didn’t care more about this new relationship than his mother. he was focused, she comforted him, he needed a minute, she gave it to him. no angsty bullshit of him clinging to her or her demanding his attention. that was important. that is how you build a relationship. unfortunate the rest of it fell a little flat. but tw isn’t great with ships ever.

2. she has issues but come on. as far as backstories go this new hunters is boring. you saw people die, you almost died. join the club. if you love her, good on you, i’m not mad at that. i just don’t see anything special yet which is disappointing. i do admit her reasons make sense?? she has a point?? like while with the sheriff she knows what her opinion is, & stays true to it, but she’s just not compelling. i just wish they’d stop focusing so much on her & this ‘tragic’ backstory when it’s not that tragic. write a little better, because this actress is fucking amazing & deserves that much. the character herself deserves more respect than such a shitty story. i forgot her name btw i think it’s monroe.

3. papa stilinski, thank you. like i love that they’re showing off noah’s actual skills now. like it’s not just wow he’s a sheriff. these are real tactics he’s using. the way he’s getting into her head, twisting scenarios without telling a lie, his movements. making it personal, to him & her. true it could be more thought out but the way lindin carried this scene was fucking impressive. he knew what he was doing. he was being the sheriff of beacon hills. plus just, he is a good fucking man. he is strong and smart, a good mix of good & bad, he knows what he’s doing. he believes in scott, he believes in their future. he had to once because of his son & his town, but now it’s in his blood. protecting people isn’t the only thing he has to do. he has to be their rock.

4. melissa mccall, you are the most beautiful inspiring person on this fucking show. the true alpha is only scott because she fucking raised him. the true alpha mom.

5. ethan & jackson? good shit. no solid opinion yet, but it was a fun moment. obviously we all wish it was developed before our eyes but so far, so good. and that last scene, i like what it shows of them as a couple. not whining ‘are you okay’ or losing their shit. they are taking it, trusting the other can take it too. the pain of their lover doesn’t make them weak. it gives them more reason to fight. i like that.

6. deucalion, i love you. i love everything about the changes his character has faced, i love the difference, the new vibe, the old vibe. everything about his character amazes me. i’m gonna need to rewatch because damn i am so into this.

7. just fuckin kill gerard literally it’s what we’ve all been thinking this ENTIRE series.

8. ah... i miss isaac.

9. liam holy fuck you’re being stupid but i love you. you’re so frustrating but i do fucking love you. this theo thing? yeah don’t trust him but idk. it’s fun. it’s a good time.

10. them showing off their different motives is amazing. liam is willing to kill to avenge his injured friends. scott’s goal has always been to keep everyone alive. theo has, fucking motives. deucalion has his own way of being now. the motives/reasoning/personality of these characters is shining.

11. BRINGING UP MATT DAAAAMMMMMNNN

12. i hope through teen wolf & through future projects, holland is respected & cherished for how fucking good she is. i do think some of it is dramatic/over the top but uh it’s teen wolf. every single actor in this show does that. so anyone who disses her or any other actor in this show kind of bothers me. some people specifically i get, but as a whole there are some fantastic actors here. they need to go on to many more amazing jobs. & i hope they do.

13. while it is cliche at best, i enjoy the set design. the makeup. the outfits. there is a lot of effort put into it. that has actually always been true. the people who run the behind the scenes, setup, etc... they are fucking talented. they know what they’re doing. they know how to grab your eye. there’s a reason teen wolf is such a frequently edited show on tumblr. people love the aesthetic of it all. that’s all thanks to them.

14. PETER!! YES!! everyone knows i have a lot of feelings about peter. for one, no he’s not some bad boy with a heart of gold. two, he’s not in it for them. he is selfish, he is brutal, he is bold, he is power hungry, he is a lot. peter is so many things. but he loves. he can fucking love, and he can murder too. teen wolf messed up big time by not exploring his character properly. they showed many sides to him that could make PERFECT SENSE together, but they didn’t have the time. maybe in another universe uncle wolf will happen. either way, peter is so fucking compelling. he’s not ready to risk everything for some fucking desperate mission to save people he doesn’t know. that’s not evil per say, but it’s not good. that much is true. peter agrees with a roll of his eyes if he ever does. he helps while making himself the bad guy. he loves without showing how much he cares. he fucking denies his helpful good qualities to make people hate him/not need/trust him/etc! peter hale cares about possessions, power, and winning. even at his best, it’s just who he is. it does not always mean he’s the villain, but it makes him well, not a hero. an anti-hero works best for him. he can help, he chooses to, he tries to. he’s just smart. he saves himself/the people he cares about first. if it turns out his conscience is getting the better of him though, he does the right thing. it’s proved many times. peter is so much under the surface, even if he is a fucking asshole. i am just really happy he’s back for the last bit. it was really smart of them to do that. side note: i knew it he’s back fuck you (i’m really pleased right now)

15. malia/peter is so interesting as a dynamic. they are both so cold, so unsure, so distant from reality. they both have quirks that make them unlikable/strange to an outsider. they both think about themselves first, until they love someone. then it’s them & themselves. it’s complicated because they have had soft really important moments, but with how much has happened, peter knows he’s not her dad. she is too fucked up from too much life, and he had a life so deprived of her that adding a daughter to the mix now still doesn’t work. they just can’t work out a healthy relationship, but i think they’re nearing a compromise. a kind of understanding. they are similar. they do have a connection. it’s just, a complicated one. plus just all the sass, the direct call outs, the ‘you tell me right now’ like when did you start being a real DAD™?? she is reaching his core beneath the pessimism. her bold & brave fucking moves while with him in the car, i love it. she is making him understand. she, like him, wont stop until she’s certain there is nothing else she can do. god their fears come out so fucking loud in that scenes!! his fears of being fucking alone, yet also his fear of being killed/watching his loved one(s) get killed? her fear of connection to family, trusting, all the shit built between them? fuck. the ‘i don’t want your stupid car’ scene was funny, but it was also BIG. then when they actually agreed, when they banded together. the flashback/malia’s mind. as much as i wish it was more malia alone ----- it was a lot. all of this is a lot.

16. this villain is fascinating!! it enhances emotions in a way that destroys people. blind obedience? that’s interesting as fuck. the fear, the intensity, the drive. all of the emotions coming out this season are just really fucking great! i like shitting on teen wolf but i actually enjoy this damn. the testing, the reason, the drive. it’s all very interesting ok.

17. peter/scott another interesting dynamic. because they are essentially the polar opposites of the show. scott wants to save everybody, peter understands that they can’t save EVERYBODY. scott is a hero, peter is a villain or anti-hero. scott was bit and became the true alpha, peter bit him & has only ever wanted to be the alpha. peter at least sees the connections. he sees both difference & understanding between them. & i think scott does too. despite any hatred or war between them, they come back to work together. they figure it out. it works out. i think in a lot of ways they equal each other out. peter is a negativity that stops people from hoping for too much & being disappointed or just naive, & scott is the hope that keeps them going despite the disappointment or risk. they work well as a team, they’re just always missing each other, because neither is willing to let that be a compromise. they will compromise when needed, but not enough.

18: calm the fuck down. i love you all, i support your fuckin opinions. bitching about this show is fun. roleplaying this show is fun. fighting & genuinely losing your shit over it is boring. the writing sucks as any teen show does. it is still something we love & care about. through writing we make it better. so calm down, & enjoy what you can. but also keep being bitter with friends for fun.