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crimsonmonsoon · 1 year ago

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I am considering dropping Miracle Box as a project.

I am very sorry to say that, especially since recently it’s been gaining more attention now that the first book is complete. And especially since I just posted the first chapter of the New York special, but I feel like maybe it is not the best idea to peruse such a project that gives nothing in reward.

I wish I had just wrapped up the story in the first fic but I hadn’t planned on it and purposely left loose ends to branch into the future fics following it. But I didn’t.

Now for those of you who care I figure I ought to explain why this is a thought going through my head:

Miracle Box was something I was passionate about but it was always fueled by anger for the show and as it went on it started feeling less like an mlb rewrite and more like a angry pit of violence and conflict and angst because I was just putting EVERYTHING into it. It is a hefty project that would have four books if you count the New York special, and even an additional fifth one if I did the Shang Hai one too. But I am not getting paid to write this. Book one on its own was 40k words longer than the book I wrote that I’m supposed to actually make money for.

Fanfiction for me has always been about practicing my writing skills before I put them into something real. But the style of writing I had to use for miracle box followed a storyline as if being told by a TV series, as that would fit it. I am fully capable of doing that, in fact, that’s what I’m majoring in. But as a book? It just looks sloppy. And what I mean by this is having scenes told by characters who aren’t the main characters, perspectives switching in the middle or abruptly after a scene, pacing focusing strictly on one or two characters who aren’t the main protagonists (in this case my Alya arc), having flashbacks told by no one simply to just show them for the reader, etc. That works for building comics and TV series and movies. Not for a book written the way I write. It feels like I’m ripping myself apart when I do that and that was for a majority of Miracle Box.

MLB as a show is just a mess. I can’t even get through season five it is painful to watch. I’m cringing at everything and the scenes people fantasize over are giving me second hand embarrassment for some reason. I don’t connect to the fandom that well and it’s so much easier for me to talk about literally anything else. My blog is centered on miraculous but in reality, mlb is like… one of my least favorite pieces of media, I can’t stand it, I don’t understand it. I would rather be able to have my blog focus on marvel or Atla or anime or literally anything BUT miraculous.

And lastly, this is more private but I feel like I need to share it to justify wanting to skimp out on this project, I’m dealing with a considerable amount of physical pain right now. I don’t want to explain what’s going on but just know that doing things like sitting up for over 30 minutes causes me way too much physical distress. I power through it all the time anyways but if I’m going to be writing I don’t want to waist my efforts on a fanfiction but rather finish editing my second book so I can get it published.

Basically I’m depressed :’)

I don’t know what to do with Miracke Box it kinda feels like I’m abandoning a child on the street. So to serve it Justice I might make a series of videos talking about how the story was going to go and the lore of all the things I created because there is still SO MUCH to unpack with it.

Anyways. This post was only for my followers but I doubt many people will find it who isn’t a follower anyways but if you are that stranger, what’s up, you should buy my book, Land of Armonia, on Amazon.

#art catastrophe

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thefanficmonster · 4 years ago

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You Never Notice

Sykkuno x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff

Summary: The center of someone’s world is never aware of their importance even when everyone else is in the know. People are hard to understand, no denying, but if we all spilled our truth like how Y/N admitted her feelings to Sykkuno, mutual understanding would be achieved a lot more easily. JK, she needed an eternity and maybe a thousand pushes. What’s important is the result though, right?

Requested by Anon. You are my first Sykkuno request and I wish I could thank you with a tag. Instead, I’m gonna thank you with a fic in which I put my all. Thank you for the request, hope the final product doesn’t let you down. 🥰

Here we go again. Sykkuno’s love life is brought up. This time it’s more frustrating cause I can’t shout how wrong he is about himself and the effect he has on the people around him. He has no room to speak, he hasn’t experienced what I have - one of your best friends living in your head rent-free because you’re just that whipped by them. That’s right kids, some of us never grow past the middle school crushes - they are a constant for some. That can be a good or a bad thing, it completely depends on how you view it.

Currently, him and Rae are addressing some dating rumors that started spreading about them earlier this week while Felix, Sean and I are kicking each other’s butts in Party Animals. We’re not all playing together, actually, we were all playing different games when we hopped into the call and just grouped together after playing solo got boring. Rae and Sykkuno are playing Among Us on a random server, her being the only person who’s streaming right now. She said she just wanted to clear up the dating rumors cause they were annoying to see popping up on her feed on every social media platform she’s active on.

“It’s ridiculous, really. People just look for online personalities to put in imaginary relationships. Are they that bored? I know quarantine is getting to everyone, but damn“ Rae says, laughing a bit to take the edge off her words but I know she’s bothered by this ordeal more than she’s letting on. I know how much it bothers her when people ship random youtubers and streamers together, even when she’s not involved.

And I agree. Ever since I started streaming I’ve been shipped with my friends left and right. First Corpse, then Dave, Joel...you name them. It gets kinda gross cause these people are legit like siblings to me. Unlike Rae, though, I don’t waste my breath trying to clear those ‘talks of the net’ up. I don’t know if it’s for better of for worse that I remain silent on the issue when I’m involved but am willing to stand up for my friends when they find themselves in a similar situation. Some people think the reason I don’t share my thoughts is because the rumors are true, but the hint is most often taken, resulting in the ship ending. Well, that ship ending, there’s always a new one popping up. As Rae said, it’s ridiculous.

“Why does everyone think I am ever dating anyone? I’ve already commented on this: no one would date me.“ Sykkuno says through a sigh-like laugh.

“Why are you so sure?“ I blurt out without as much as a second thought

My eyes widen just a bit, just a bit. I’m not too surprised with myself. I am slowly losing control of my raging emotions and I’m afraid of what I’ll turn into when all my restraints snap. A mess, that’s the most likely answer.

“Well....“ Sykkuno trails off, clearly more than a little nervous, “I don’t have a girlfriend right now, and I haven’t had one in a while...Nor has a girl shown any interest to be more than friends with me in what feels like forever.“

“I’m sure you just don’t notice the hints girls drop. We can be pretty subtle.“ I try to sound as nonchalant as possible while I’m still in my panicked animal mode. And by animal I mean a cub. A scared cub that is now showing confidence but will run and hide right afterwards. I silently thank the universe that I’m not streaming right now. I can feel the heat on my neck and cheeks which is pure embarrassment and would have been more than evident on-camera.

“Yeah Y/N’s right, Sykkuno. Girls can be very subtle, but they will always let you know if they like you, even through the smallest of gestures. You gotta keep your eyes open.“ Rae backs me up reassuringly.

“Guys never notice anything.“ I say, rolling my eyes. I feel the pressure lessen thanks to Rae’s involvement in the conversation.

“That’s not true.“ Sean protests, “We pay close attention, especially to girls we are attracted to.“

“Yeah!“ Sykkuno pipes in again, “I’m pretty sure I would notice if a girl was dropping signals that she likes me.“

Now that stings. That legit makes me wince and cringe as though his voice delivered an actual physical hit to my chest and stomach. It’s really unpleasant, painful even.

“You never notice.“ There’s something about this triple opportunity - proving him wrong that he’d catch onto a girl’s signals; proving him wrong that girls aren’t attracted to him; coming clean about the biggest emotional struggle I’ve experienced in recent years; - that snaps my last emotional restraints. I will totally regret this later, but after the regret comes the relief which is 100% worth it.

“What?“ He sounds very puzzled. I can just about imagine him frowning as he tries to wrap his brain around something even I can’t wrap mine around.

“You say you’d notice a girl’s hints of attraction. OK.“ I nonchalantly throw Felix off the submarine in Party Animals while I keep talking, “Would you notice if a girl purposely doesn’t kill you in Among Us when she’s impostor? Or would you notice that a girl always sends you links to videos she finds funny? Or that she always shares music and movie recommendations with you and you only?“

Dead silence ensues. I feel like they have all glitched, considering Sean didn’t even try to put up a fight when I lifted him and threw him in the ocean as I previously did with Felix’s avatar.

Maybe I was a tad too specific and made the whole situation hit a little too close to home for me.

Sykkuno and I have become really close friends and we chat and play games regularly. As I mentioned, I give him movie and music recommendations and I only recently started acknowledging the fact that I’ve never killed him in Among Us. Natural instinct I guess. In fact, I feel the need for vengeance when he’s killed. I refuse to even vote for him unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Now that I think about it, it’s not his fault he has no clue. I just don’t know how to properly drop hints.

“Um...I mean, I guess I would notice but I’d never think they are that type of hints.“ He finally replies.

On point there, dear. On damn point.

“What does it take for you to be convinced that a girl is into you?“ Who cares that a bunch of people are about to witness this outpour? It’ll make it more real, yes, but it will also help me believe that it happened so I don’t try to crawl back to the point where return is an option. No return now. You’ve already passed two thirds of the way. The last one will set you and your mind free.

“The only way I can be sure is if she tells me, really.“ He sounds so nervous and shy, like he’s trying to draw as little attention as possible.

He doesn’t have to worry. I’m about to pull all the attention on me.

“Well in that case....you leave me no other choice.“ My screen displays me as the winner of this round of Party Animals - an easy one considering my friends are glitched in real life. “I like you, Sykkuno. I like you a lot. And I know you will see it from every context except the one its meant to be in so I’ll be even more head-on - I’ve liked you, as more than a friend for quite some time now, but buddy, you can be sooo oblivious sometimes. Anyway...“ Here’s that regret I was talking about, it’s already creeping in. “Don’t feel the need to say it back. I don’t wanna hear it if you don’t mean it. And Rae,“ I can’t help but laugh at the thought, “Sorry for making your chat go crazy. Peace!“

And I disconnect from the Discord call.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?“ I say out loud, staring at my desktop. “The cat’s out of the bag and you can move on now.“

I push myself to get some work done in order to get my mind off the mess I’ve created. I’m afraid of thinking about it, I know I’ll get too upset to do anything with the rest of my day if I do.

Suddenly, just as I’m about to open my email, my phone chimes. My brain doesn’t bother to stop my arm from automatically reaching out and checking the notification. A message.

From Sykkuno.

~ I knew you didn’t suggest me ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ for no reason

Me ~ So...?

~ So, I’m not the only oblivious one here, Y/N

Me ~ Wait WHAT?

~ ‘Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist’?

Me ~ Oooohhhh...I see

It takes him a few seconds to reply, the bubble with the three bouncing dots popping up and disappearing a few times now. I just now feel my heart banging against the inside of my ribcage, my pulse echoing in my ears.

He did seem a little too eager for me to watch that movie...

~ So, movie date?

I laugh, wholeheartedly and honestly. Genuine joy running through my veins.

Me ~ So it is.

The grin that is now decorating my features promises to stay there for the rest of the day. I bite my bottom lip at the thought that pops into my head.

Me ~ Phew, I can stop sparing you in Among Us from now on

He sends me three cry-laughing emojis in return, but I don’t need those. I can just imagine him laughing as he usually does with one hand covering his mouth. And here I thought my grin couldn’t grow wider.

Imagining him happy makes me smile. His happiness makes me happy. He makes me happy.

Even better...

I think the feeling’s mutual.

#sykkuno #sykkuno fanfic #sykkuno fanfiction #sykkuno x reader #sykkuno x y/n #x reader #reader #reader insert #x y/n #y/n #fanfic #fanfiction #among us #requests open #requests #fluff #love #crush #happy

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keilemlucent · 4 years ago

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lavender latte: i

(T (for now!))

hawks | takami keigo x reader

chapter 2 || chapter 3 || chapter 4

ao3

word count: ~3k

You serve Hawks a lavender, oat milk latte. Not only is he hooked on your drinks, but he's also hooked on you as well.

a fluffy multi-chaptered piece i’ll release when i’m feeling it :’^) enjoy y’all. coffee shop au hell

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You and Keigo met each other on the coldest, snowiest day of the year.

The temperature was near glacial. The air stung and bit like hell, wind kicking and spitting powdery snow as it fell in sheets from the grey sky.

The weather, horribly, prevented two of your coworkers from working the morning shift at the tea shop. Half of the trains were shut down across the city in addition to power outages. But, your cheap ass owner forced you to open. Alone. In a blizzard.

You were fairly certain that you wouldn’t be getting many customers.

Opening at the tea shop on a normal day was a hellish amount of work. As you unlocked the door and walked into your humble establishment of employment, you grimaced at the thought of all of the work you were to do.

After disrobing from your thick winter jacket, scarf, and mittens and throwing on your apron, it was time to begin. You made yourself a simple, oat milk latte and then started to get to work setting up for the day.

It was hardly dawn.

Keigo was on early morning patrol. It wasn’t his favorite shift, oh, hardly, but he did enjoy watching the sunrise. And, while his wings were powerful, the snowstorm did force him to fly much lower in the grey haze of the day than he normally would. Stepping out of his apartment around just before 5:30 AM, Keigo almost moaned in anguish at the cold. He was infinitely glad he had worn a thermal bodysuit under his uniform.

His quirk afforded him much in terms of battle prowess, in addition to a few avian mutations. Most notably at that moment was his difficulty conserving heat. As Keigo stood on his balcony, frowning at the can of coffee in his hand, he made the prompt decision to fly to his area of patrol and grab a hot drink. The thought of downing something cold made his stomach turn.

Gracefully, Keigo turned and flew, letting himself be carried across town. The area he was patrolling was relatively quiet, mostly small businesses and lower-middle-class apartments. As he touched down, shivering and sleepy, he padded through the empty streets with his wings folded to his back.

The wind was wild, wiping between buildings, making snowdrifts that blocked some of the doors of shops nearby. Part of you cursed, shaking your head. You desperately wanted to be warm, curled in bed with your cats, and watching cartoons.

You set up the shop, moving chairs and turning on machines. Though you were a tea shop, you sold more coffee than any sort. On a normal, fully-staffed day, you’d be in the back, crafting tea blends. But, that day was, in fact, a very abnormal day and it was about to get weirder.

Keigo meandered around the streets, strangely at genuine ease. There were no civilians and very few stores open allowing him to walk freely, albeit coldly. Part of him wondered if he would even find a coffee shop.

But lo and behold, he did.

Keigo opened the door, a cute bell ringing. The shop was themed warmly with yellow-toned wood counters and furnishings. There was a smattering of local art on the walls and jewel-toned accents. All in all, it was a cozy reprieve from the icy nature of outside. Keigo relished the heat.

It seemed only one person was working, you.

When you heard the bell sounding at the entrance of a customer, you piped up from behind the counter, “Just one sec!”

A kind laugh, “Take your time.”

You were struggling to reach a tea blend. It was high on the many shelves behind the counter. You clamored on top of the counter, rising on your knees to try and reach it. Your hands stretched to grip it with an arch of your back. You grinned in victory as you managed to grab it. You pulled back, miscalculating in your pride—

And then you were losing balance.

And then you were falling.

(How fucking cliche).

You would’ve hit the floor if it wasn’t for some unknown force, pushing you back onto the counter, steadying you. The sensation, new, perked you up, causing you to let out a high noise of surprise. You turned, your eyes going wide.

Several beautiful, scarlet feathers caught your fall.

Your eyes flickered up to your patron savior.

Number two hero, Hawks, smiling at you and giving you a bit of cheshire grin, stifling a laugh.

You slowly descended from the counter, turning to face him at the register, “Well, I really have to say thank you. I nearly ate shit there.”

“All in a day's work,” Hawks winked at you. You beamed easily. Local heroes came and drank at the shop fairly regularly, but never anyone particularly famous, let alone the top ten. Never the incredibly stunning, wind-whipped bachelor hero that was Hawks.

“What can I get for you today?” You asked, going for a notepad.

Hawks eyes scanned the menu behind you. He hummed, pretty, amber eyes settling back on you, “Surprise me.”

Your eyes widened, but you nodded. You couldn’t stop smiling.

“Alright, let me ask a few questions, just to make your drink the best it can.” You told him. “First off, hot or iced?”

“Oh, definitely hot,” Hawks almost wiggled a feathered eyebrow at you and you couldn’t help rolling your eyes.

“Okay, how much caffeine? Any allergies?” You asked, scribbling an idea down on the notepad. “Milk preference?”

“As much as you can legally supply me with, no preferred milk, and no allergies. Though, I do like things sweet,” Hawks was removing his gloves as he spoke. “Go crazy, give me the best thing you got, angel. Something that gives me the warm and fuzzies.”

Oh, that was a move.

Hawks was notoriously (in the media) shamelessly flirtatious with fans and other heroes. It was always painted as something that was in good fun, never sexual, and just part of his brand. This was just common knowledge, but god you never expected it to be directed at you with a cute pet name.

“On it,” You smiled back at him, face hot. You smoothed yourself down before beginning to craft his drink.

It wasn’t often that you worked the front counter, and there was a good reason for it. Most of the time, you got too into making drinks, customizing them frivolously (often due to your quirk). Though you were skilled, it took a lot of time that people didn’t have for a coffee run.

But, on the day of a momentous snowstorm, you and Hawks had all the time in the world.

Keigo was a bit stunned by you.

You were cute, one.

You were wearing a soft-looking turtleneck sweater, and high-waisted, wide-leg pants. They were fashionable but obviously aged. But it worked. A cute, embroidered apron was tied over you snuggly around your waist. It was adorned with buttons and pins, brightly colored.

You spoke so frankly to him. You didn’t gawk at him for even a second, even when his feathers propped you up from falling. You blushed at his pet name but didn’t seem any more fazed than a bit of embarrassment. He liked it. It felt normal.

Keigo rested his hands on the counter, watching you flit about behind the counter.

“I gotta ask, why are you open in this blizzard??” Keigo tilted his head as your gaze flickered to him. You were still smiling, just a bit, even hard at work.

You snorted, “Cheap boss who won’t close, and my coworkers are stranded without the trains running. I live close by and work hourly, so I might as well come in, ya’ know?”

Hawks laughed, something warm and full, so juxtaposed to the storm of flurries outside.

It was odd, talking to the number two fucking hero so casually, but it felt good. There was a sense of awe and idleness, but it dimmed. There were no flashy heroics, just one person wanting a drink and the other making it.

Your quirk activated on its own as you stared at the syrups. Your quirk’s tell was so small and normal, no one ever caught it. A heavy dilation of the eyes was not something most people were tuned into. Yet there you were, submerged in sensation. Touch, sight, smell, taste, even sound, all blending together. They elicited something deeper in you, creating something abstract you could make tangible.

To make a feeling into a physical reality was a gift, but it came with drawbacks of course.

You poured a few syrups into the bottom of the cup, carefully selecting them.

“I can’t imagine how cold it is up in the sky,” You mused to yourself just before steaming some oat milk.

“Oh, you have no idea, ” Hawks lamented to you with a groan. “I feel like I’m gonna lose a few toes whenever I work in this weather.”

“Just toes? I’d be worried about a whole foot,” You grinned back at him as you poured more things into the cup, stirring every few moments.

The feeling in your mind was so tangible to you, and you could perfectly translate it to reality. Something warm, to beat away the frost of the world beyond the tea shop.

You sprinkled the top with a few dashes of cinnamon, setting it on the counter in front of him.

Keigo looked down at the drink you made him, raising an eyebrow. He went to take a sip, but you stopped him, “I’d give that a few minutes if you don’t want to burn your tongue, tailfeathers.”

Hawks nearly fucking squawked as he set down the drink, giving you a look of false anger, “ Tailfeathers? That’s not a kind name to call me. I don’t even have those.”

Keigo huffed, pouting at you.

“You call me, a stranger barista, angel, I call you tailfeathers. Easy trade.” You shrugged at him, tapping into the register system. “I’m not charging you until you try it.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to upcharge if I don’t like it?” Hawks continued to pout, jokingly so, pulling out a wad of bills that was undoubtedly much more than any drink would cost.

Your eyes widened, leaving you sputtering, “Oh, never— it’s on the house if it bangs as much as I think it will.”

Hawks laughed, out loud, bending back a bit. You watched his pretty red wings shudder and reflect the warm light of the coffee house. Keigo collected himself, over-dramatically straightening himself.

You watched with anticipation as he took his sip.

Keigo was a man of poor taste. Sure, dropping an unholy amount of money on frivolities was one of his small pleasures, after so much of the ascetic bullshit that the Commission put him through, it only seemed fair. But, caffeine was a necessity with his fucked up schedule and he’d be damned waiting in a line or making it at home. Canned coffee was saccharine and speedy and that’s all he fucking wanted.

But, when the first drops of that stupid oat milk latte hit his tongue, Keigo was beyond enamored.

Yeah, he wanted coffee to feel warm in this storm, but he didn’t expect to feel warm. With just one gulp, he could feel the heat, like the flames of a steady hearth, drift around his body.

He brought the cup down from his lips, looking at you with awe.

You had the smuggest grin spread across your face, arms crossed over your chest.

“Thoughts?” God, you were so cheeky. He loved it. You were so subtly bold.

“This,” Keigo took another greedy swig, wiping his mouth on the back of his ungloved hand, “is the best coffee I’ve ever had in my damn life.”

Your smile just got wider.

“Glad I could meet your tastes, tailfeathers. No charge,” You gave him a cheeky little wink. You swore you saw his face get redder, but you dismissed it a moment later.

“Oh no, nu-uh,” Keigo pushed the bills towards you. “Take it as a tip then. Seriously. How did you make this?”

You stared down at the bills and Hawks’s hand. His hands weren’t particularly large, but they were scarred plenty. Veins and bone were accented by the dryness of his skin.

You looked back up at him, still not taking the money, “Can you keep a secret? It’s a big one, especially considering you’re a hero.”

Hawks tilted his head, “If you say you used your quirk to mess with this drink, I don’t know if I’m legally able to keep it a secret.”

“Nah, nah. I didn’t ‘mess with your drink’,” You shook your head, nodding down to it. “Do you know what synesthesia is?”

(He did, surely. But he just wanted to listen to you talk more.)

��Enlighten me?” Hawks ask, stooping to rest his elbows on the counter, chin cradled in his hands.

For being a man who could kill you in a split second, Hawks was remarkably cute. You understood his sex appeal long before he entered the shop. His hair looked unnaturally fluffy, wind-ruffled, and honey blonde. His eyes had a few cute bird-like markings ringing the sweet, amber irises. He had a delicate but defined jaw.

He raised a sculpted, feathered eyebrow at you.

(He’d caught you staring).

You cleared your throat, laughing it off easily (though you were mentally kicking yourself), “Synesthesia, broadly, is like senses overlapping in your brain. Like... The common example is seeing colors when you hear a month of the year.”

“Now, what does this have to do with my lovely drink?” Hawks batted his eyelashes at you. You could tell he was definitely flirting with you, but you brushed it off the best you could.

He’s a hot guy you made coffee for. Happens all the time.

“Well, you had me a little bit, I did use my quirk, but it doesn’t mess with your drink physically at all. Not even close,” You laugh. “My quirk allows me to conceptualize abstract ideas into tangible ideas.”

“That really makes it sound like you used your quirk to make my drink,” Keigo watched your eyes dilate as he spoke.

You blinked, and they went back to normal.

“No, no. It’s like for your drink,” Both of your eyes looked towards the steaming cup. “I took your request for ‘warm and fuzzies’ to heart.”

Keigo blinked at you.

Your pupils expanded again, “I figured ‘ you know, this guy has to fly around in the cold all day, right? Probably is freezing and far away from home ’— and there was my inspiration.

“I used my quirk to conceptualize... the idea of being warm and safe into a tangible concept. A nice, easy coffee drink. Four shots of espresso, oat milk, homemade lavender honey syrup, two of my own, specially made tea extracts, and a bit of cinnamon for good measure.”

Hawks blinked at you, “Your quirk gives you the... blueprints, to turn ideas, literal feelings, into reality and these blueprints just work?”

You nodded and shrugged, “Most of the time. The less I’m focused on it, the more likely it is that the feeling won’t be able to manifest. I just get more exact with my construction with the fewer stimuli.”

“Drawback?” Hawks quirked an eyebrow, already having a good idea as to it.

You gestured lazily to the empty coffee shop, “I get overstimulated easily, quirk activated or not. Makes a lot of shit hard, but I like my quirk. I mean, it’s nothing like having a crazy strong pair of wings, but it services me well.”

“Did you really ‘manifest’ ‘warm and fuzzies’ into a drink, or did you make it a bit deeper than that?” Keigo sipped again, relishing how it warmed him all over once more. The taste that was dancing over his palette seemed a little more complex than what they were saying.

“To be frank and to have a bit of an ego, yeah, I went for my go-to feeling when making drinks for myself,” You averted your eyes from him. “A good drink should feel like you’re getting hugged from the inside out, you know? Comforted. It’s hard enough to get that tangibly without a quirk. I just try to help where I can.”

Keigo blinked at you.

You had turned suddenly, shy, eyes anxiously darting and a hand tugging at the sleeve of your sweater. A cute flush was spreading over your cheekbones when you finally looked at him again, “Kinda corny, right?”

Despite the fact that Keigo’s heart was fucking pounding, he shook his head, voice steady and sure, “Nah, I think it’s cool. You’re doing a lot more than just making coffee for folks.”

Your face got even redder as you rubbed the back of your head,

“I usually work in the back, so I don’t tend to make a lot of coffee for people. I make the tea blends that we sell. I don’t always use my quirk, but sometimes I do.”

Keigo watched you nervously pull at your apron, giving him an oddly desperate deadpan, “Please don’t turn me in.”

That made Keigo bust out laughing again.

You couldn’t help but stare at him in shock, and then join him. You covered your mouth at first, but finally, just let yourself laugh with him. All it seemed like that there was in the world was you, Keigo, the lavender latte, and the snowdrifts outside.

Hawks’s pager beeped, almost instantly pulling him from his laughing fit. He glanced at it, giving a dull grimace, “Duty calls, it seems.”

“You’d think villains would take snow days?” You told him as he re-gloved his hands.

“It would really make my job easier,” He chuckled. Hawks pushed the forgotten money on the counter. “That’s all for you, ya hear me? Keep it or I will actually turn you in.”

Oh, you were feeling bold.

Before Hawks could pull his hand away, you placed your own on his, stopping his movement.

“Only,” You somehow, one-handed, managed to pull a bit of receipt paper from its machine. Still one-handed you grabbed a pen and scribbled onto the paper. You pushed it towards Keigo. “If you take this very conveniently small piece of paper that totally doesn’t have my name and number on it. Just in case you’d like another lavender latte like that.”

Oh, Keigo was floored.

He had rapid fucking fans. They were feral. He’d had fans drop their entire life stories on him, gush to him, stalk him— one time, a fan dropped to their knees and licked his boots. And he’d certainly received many phone numbers in his day, so many, but never like this.

This felt a little different.

“Well, I was gonna say, I might need some contact to know when you work next. Just so I can grab one of your lovely drinks,” Hawks winked at you, all smitten. He walked backwards towards the door, still meeting your eyes

“Feel free to.” You were just as starry-eyed as he was. “I have a lot to show you!”

And with that, Hawks whisked himself out of the door, fast as ever.

And you both simmered, full of intangible feelings.

#salem writes #takami keigo x reader #keigo x reader #hawks x reader #hawks x y/n #keigo takami x y/n #reader insert #mha x reader #my hero x reader #mha smut #hawks reader insert #my hero academia #bnha x reader #takami x reader #mha lemon

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hatboyproject · 4 years ago

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This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

#shoker #shoker mod #hatboyproject #jeff joker moreau #character study #my approach

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ghstandpucks · 4 years ago

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Toe Pick ~ Jeff Skinner

Hello! Sorry I have kinda been MIA, I’ve had a lot going on personally lately. This idea came to my head though and I could not pass up writing it! I just love the fact that Jeff was a figure skater lol I hope you are all doing well and staying safe and healthy! Enjoy!

Summary: Being partnered with Jeff as a pairs team caused you both to rely on each other at an early age. When life’s ‘toe picks’ come along though, your friendship was tested. And when a toe pick later on throws you back into each others lives, will it be the same?

Warnings: None, just fluff!

Master List

The toe pick at the front of a figure skater’s blade can either create phenomenal moments in a routine, or can bring a skater down. The sharp points can do some damage, but also give the ability to fly when tapped correctly into the ice. You can often hear figure skaters talk about toe picks, and for two kids in particular, saying “toe pick” when they stumbled became a game. On and off the ice, the two were inseparable. That was, until a ‘toe pick’ in life took them away from one another.

Past ~ 2000

Eight-year-old Jeff Skinner was working on his flying camel, waiting for his coach to get on the ice and start his lesson. It wasn’t just any lesson today though. He was scheduled to meet a new girl who just joined the skating club, one that his coach thought would pair with him perfectly for a pair skating event. Jeff wasn’t so sure about skating with a partner at first, but then after watching a senior skating pair perform, he changed his mind. The throws and different spins that could be done with a skating partner interested him, so he let his coach talk him into it.

He had been told that the new girl had just moved to the area. You were also a single skater with promising talent and a year younger than Jeff. His coach had watched you try out for their skating club, and asked if you would be interested in pairs skating as your showman-like style was almost uncannily the same as Jeff’s. You smiled and nodded, just excited to be accepted into the prestigious club.

As Jeff stopped what he was doing to look at the clock on the wall, he felt someone run into his back. “Sorry! Toe pick,” a giggle came from behind him. He turned and saw a girl about his age, grinning with a missing tooth off to the side. Jeff laughed to himself.

“It’s fine. Are you okay?” he asked. He had never seen you before, and started to think you may be who he was being partnered up with.

“I’m fine! I’m Y/N. I just moved here,” you introduced yourself. Jeff smiled, a toothy grin that matched yours.

“I’m Jeff. Are you skating pairs?” he asked, and you nodded.

“I was singles, but they asked me to switch when I tried out. I don’t know who I’m partnered with though,” you admitted.

“I think you might be my new partner…” was all Jeff was able to say before his coach skated over to the two of you.

“Jeff, I see you’ve already met Y/N. I think you two will get along great. If you’re both warmed up, why don’t we get started with the basics,” Ms. Seale said, and the two young skaters nodded. The next hour was spent learning how to stand and skate in perfect unison, the two kids fitting each other’s speed and style flawlessly, almost as if they were meant to be paired up.

Three years later, you and Jeff were still skating pairs and about to enter your first junior’s national competition. After taking the ice for your groups warm up, the two of you waited off to the side with your coach running back and forth to see where the order of skaters was at. “Don’t drop me,” you leaned into Jeff as you always did before a performance.

“You trust me?” he grinned at you, holding out his pinky.

“Always,” you smiled back, wrapping your pinky around his. Pinky promises became a thing for the two of you when you first started learning lifts. You were nervous, and Jeff promised that he would never drop you. He had always kept that promise, even going as far as breaking your fall with his own body just to keep your trust. Your coach came to get you a few minutes later, and grabbing your hand Jeff led you out onto the ice. You took silver at that competition, the names Jeff Skinner and Y/N Y/L/N becoming known in the competition circuit.

Two years after that, when Jeff was 13 and you were 12, Jeff hurt himself while doing a double axel. The two of you had just won junior nationals and were working on senior level moves. His injury caused you to pull out of an upcoming competition, the both of you devastated. “I’m really sorry Y/N,” Jeff said one evening as the two of you were doing homework together. Being skating partners had drawn the two of you close together on and off the ice. You trusted Jeff with your life, and may have formed a small crush on him over the years.

“It’s okay J. It’s just a toe pick in the plan. You’ll heal and we’ll be back out there before you know it,” you tried to reassure him.

“What if I don’t though?” he asked, worried this injury could be more serious than either of you were thinking.

“Hey, do you trust me?” you asked, holding your pinky out toward him. He grinned and this time wrapped his pinky around yours.

“Always.”

Unfortunately, the injury Jeff sustained took a while to heal. It also caused him to choose between hockey and figure skating. Jeff didn’t want to give up on you, but he also wanted to pursue hockey. You smiled when he told you and supported him the best you could, even though you went home that day and cried your eyes out. How were you supposed to find a new partner? You and Jeff had been skating together for five years at that point, you didn’t want to start over with someone else. You tried though, and eventually found a partner that was compatible enough to compete with. Jeff would ask you how things were going when you saw each other, and you would always lie, saying things were great when really you couldn’t stand your new partner.

Though the two of you stayed friends for a while, you always going to Jeff’s hockey games and him coming to open skate and competitions for you, you eventually drifted apart when Jeff graduated high school. You couldn’t help but feel like when Jeff traded in his toe picks for hockey skates, he traded you in as well. A few years later you closed the door on your skating career after a particularly bad injury, and the memories were all that was left of the toothless grinning boy you had first met on the ice that one day way back when.

Present Day

Take the job in Buffalo they said, you muttered to yourself as once again your socks were all wet from not wearing the proper foot wear and stepping in a puddle on the way to the rink. It had been years since you skated competitively, now being 27. When you graduated high school, you went to college and earned a degree in media, sticking with sports. You mainly stuck around the figure skating circuit, also finding a job as a coach to put yourself through college. A month ago, a job was offered to you at a local news station in Buffalo as their sports reporter, and you jumped at the opportunity.

When you arrived at the rink, you changed into your tights and leggings. Skating always destressed you, and after settling in to your new place and trying to learn the ropes of the station, you needed some time to unwind. Only a few people were skating, the rink being otherwise deserted as the weather outside wasn’t the kindest at the moment.

Stepping out onto the ice, a relaxed smile spread across your face. You mindlessly curved on your edges, letting muscle memory take over. Ever so briefly did you let your eyes close, basking in the chill of the air and the sounds of your blades carving through the ice. A moment later though, you were pulled out of your head as your blade caught a particularly deep rivet in the ice, causing you to trip forward on your toe pick. With a squeak you were almost ashamed of leaving your mouth, you fell into the back of a stranger. “Oh my God, I am so so sorry! I caught my toe pick and…” you trailed off as the stranger turned around.

“Toe picks can be nasty, no worries,” he smiled at you, then stopped himself. It would have been the perfect romcom meet-cute, if the two of you hadn’t recognized each other in an instant. “Y/N?” Jeff asked, not entirely believing you were this beautiful woman who just collided with him.

“J,” you whispered, shocked as well. “What are you doing here?”

“I play for Buffalo?” he said, smiling but unsure at the moment. You were honestly the last person he expected to see that morning. Your face went red out of embarrassment. Of course you had followed his career; you knew he was in Buffalo but in the haste of your move you forgot.

“I knew that,” you mumbled out, and blushed at his chuckle. Why was it after all these years, you could feel your crush resurfacing the second he smiled at you?

“I’m more curious as to why you’re here?” he asked, leaning on his hockey stick.

“Just moved actually. I’m a sports reporter now for the local Buffalo news,” you smiled at him and Jeff grinned.

“No shit!” he exclaimed, pulling you into a hug. You gladly wrapped your arms around him, feeling at home for once in this new city.

A week had passed and you had talked to Jeff every day of it. What started out as a “How are you settling in?” text, turned into constant messages, a quick phone call, and even a facetime when he was on the road that weekend, with plans made for coffee the following week when he was back.

That coffee turned into lunch, which turned into Jeff taking you around to a few places and now the two of you were at dinner, having spent the whole day together. The two of you were catching up, and easily fell into your younger selves where physical contact wasn’t a big deal because you were constantly holding hands on the ice. It was as if the years had never passed, and you realized your feelings for Jeff had never truly gone away. He would smile at you, and just like that you were seven years old again running into him your first day at the rink. “Are you working Friday night?” Jeff asked as he drove you home that evening.

“No, I’m off actually. Why?” you asked. Jeff cleared his throat, seeming a little nervous about what he was going to say next.

“Would you want to come to my game? I can get you a ticket,” he said, glancing at you quickly. You smiled and nodded.

“I would love to!” you said, a little too enthusiastically but it made Jeff visibly relax. “You don’t have to get me a ticket though. I can buy one.”

“No. It’s the first pro game of mine that you’ll be at, I’m getting you a ticket,” he stated, then added, “Don’t argue with me,” as you opened your mouth to do so.

“Thank you,” was all you said with a giggle. Jeff smiled as you both fell back into an easy conversation.

~ ~ ~

Friday came and you were being shown to your seat at the arena by an attendant. You thanked him and sat down, waiting for the Sabres to take the ice. Looking around, you twiddled your thumbs at being right up against the glass. What did Jeff do to get you this seat? Before you could second guess coming though, the team took the ice and you immediately found your old skating partner. A few minutes later he locked eyes with you and skated over with a big grin. He tugged on his jersey and pointed at you as you smiled back at him. You had bought a Sabres’ jersey for the occasion, Jeff spotting the 53. Nodding, you turned around slightly to show him the “Skinner” across the back. If Jeff’s grin could get any larger, it would have split his face. Seeing you there at his game, in his jersey, after all these years brought back all the feelings of being young with you; leaning on you; putting his whole trust in you. The Sabres may be his current teammates, but you would always be his first teammate; his first crush; his first love.

The game was a tough one, the Sabres barely pulling out a win. You were so relieved when the final buzzard sounded. Jeff had asked you to meet him outside the locker room earlier that day, so you made your way there. Standing off to the side, you watched some of the guys spill out to their loved ones, smiling at how familiar it all felt. You remembered in high school when you used to wait for Jeff after his games with his parents.

A couple minutes later you spotted the slightly curly hair of the man you had grown up with. He grinned as he spotted you, and lifted you into a big bear hug once he got to you. “Congrats J! Good game,” you said into his neck before he set you down.

“I’m so glad you came,” he said softly, and you blushed under his gaze. “I’m glad you moved here,” he whispered.

“Me too,” you said under your breath. Jeff was about to say something when your moment was interrupted.

“You must be the old figure skating partner Jeff won’t shut up about,” the Sabres’ captain Jack Eichel patted Jeff’s shoulder and extended his hand to you.

“That would be me. Hope it was positive,” you tried to hide your nerves with a joke. Jeff rolled his eyes.

“Trust me?” he held out his pinky to you like he would when you were younger.

“Always,” you responded automatically as Jack looked on amused.

~ ~ ~

After that evening, you went to all of Jeff’s home games that you could. The two of you were also together all the time, practically spending every free moment with each other. Two months later you were curled up into Jeff as you watched a movie at his apartment. You weren’t together, but it was obvious to everyone around you that the feelings were there. Since you were used to being physically close to him, many thought you were already together. The both of you would awkwardly laugh those comments off.

As the movie credits rolled, you sat up and looked at the time, realizing you should probably get home as it was almost midnight. You started to unwrap yourself from the blanket on top of you when Jeff spoke up. “Don’t go,” he whispered.

“It’s late J,” you laughed lowly.

“Exactly. Stay,” he smiled softly, but had a serious look in his eyes. “I hate saying goodbye to you.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you smiled, slightly confused by what he said. Jeff shook his head and sat up.

“That’s not entirely what I meant,” he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand as you took his other hand in yours.

“Then how did you mean it?” you asked, keeping your eyes on his. Jeff sucked in his lips, looking at you thoughtfully.

“I’ve always felt bad for choosing hockey over you; over being your partner. I felt terrible when you got hurt and I wasn’t around to stop it from happening. When we lost touch, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of reaching out to you, but didn’t cause I was worried it was too late. And now you’re here, and back in my life and I don’t want to make those same mistakes all over again,” he said. You squeezed his hand.

“I hope you know I don’t blame you for any of that Jeff. You had to do what was best for you, and I’m so proud of you. Life just dealt us some…”

“Toe picks?” he interjected causing you to laugh.

“Yeah, some toe picks,” you said softly. The two of you sat in comfortable silence, letting his words sink in. “I don’t want to lose you again either,” you whispered, and Jeff sent you a smile that made your heart flutter. Slowly, you both leaned in closer to each other, your lips finally meeting. It was everything you ever thought kissing Jeff would be like, and so much more. As you separated, you both had the largest smiles on your faces. Slowly, Jeff stood up and pulled you along with him.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, sweeping a piece of hair behind your ear. This time you knew Jeff wasn’t teasing when he said those words, he wasn’t just asking because you were worried about him dropping you, but asking because your relationship was about to dive into uncharted territory, and he knew that it would change everything. Though, then maybe it wouldn’t. Being “together” was simple because you had skated together for so long.

Taking his hand, you nodded. “Always,” you said, meaning it with every fiber of your being. Jeff smiled that brilliant, infectious smile at you, and led you to down the hall to his room. That night you both fell asleep tangle up with each other, and completely in love with this figure skating boy turned hockey player that you had known for what felt like eternity.

#nhl imagines #nhl x reader #nhl fic #nhl fanfiction #jeff skinner imagine #buffalo sabres imagine #jeff skinner x reader #nhl imagine #hockey imagine

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years ago

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we are our family, even if we don’t want to be.

Titans 3.07

a bit over halfway through the season, and we still don’t have all of our main characters on the board! i love this show.

as always, typing this up as i watch. live reaction, baby! *shadowboxes*

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. i don’t think i’ve mentioned this before, but i kinda miss the old ‘dc universe’ intro. it was cool! the whole idea of it was wild and waaaaay over-ambitious, but also very very on-brand because of it.

2. this is... the third time we’ve seen dick sleeping this season? that’s a record! checking another thing off my s3 wishlist...

2.5. i guess i rag on titans all the time for its wafer-thin plotting and bad pacing, but i have to admit that this season has been a step-up from the last one in this regard. titans has very reactive rather than proactive protagonists, and a lot of the last season seemed to be: x happened, the team reacted badly, then y happened, they reacted badly, etc. this time around, it’s not a huge leap up by any means, but at least they’re doing something about it.

i do appreciate the focus on character arcs over everything else. and when i say everything else, i mean it: arcs that started two seasons ago with no big cathartic moments, intermittent payoff and multiple relapses. big bads have ranged from interdimensional demons to superpowered assassins to whatever in the world scarecrow is, but trigon’s big weapon against the titans was to... use their worst fears against them. slade’s was to... use their fears to break them up. crane’s is to... use red hood to use their fears to break them up. even the threat of gotham’s citizens being in danger doesn’t feel real: gotham is mythologised into an entity of its own, infecting our heroes like a parasite. like. this is not to say that most other superhero media aren’t big character arcs intertwined with the main plot, but titans doesn’t even make pretend that it’s anything but.

anyway. that’s my entry #2345 to ‘give a grand unifying theory for titans’. thanks. i’ll be back with more.

3. “anger is just fear in a little black dress.” god I HATE HIM

(what’s he doing with barbara’s likeness? oh... oh god. a terrible thought just occurred to me. what if they introduce hush at the very last minute for plastic surgery shenanigans? would you put it past this show?)

3.5. jason, nooooooooo

3.75. i mean, they’re making it very clear here that scarecrow is the one in control--the one who’s always been in control--and is manipulating jason and literally poisoning him, but i hope it doesn’t end up erasing nuance or jason’s autonomy. if jason’s to reckon with the issues that brought him here, then the lines of responsibility will need to be set somewhere.

(this applies to dick as well but more on that later, i guess.)

4. just--the phrase “40% loss of income” is so funny to me. like, gotham is full of these larger-than-life characters who are idiosyncratic beyond belief, colourful and dramatic and creating chaos just for the sake of chaos, and then there’s the regular criminals and their henchmen who just want to make a quick buck sitting down with pie charts and graphs, griping about the joker reducing their returns or debating high risk investments in, i don’t know, two-face’s next scheme.

“yyyyeeeeeaaah, my financial advisor is telling me that going all-in with a guy who literally makes decisions on the flip of a coin is probably not the greatest idea.”

4.5. god i hate smug!smarmy!scarecrow so much

4.85. as big plans to “control” gotham go, it’s pretty bog-standard. clearly scarecrow has some bigger plan in mind but it really feels like we’ve got no clear insight into him and he’s this generic creepy mystery-man who knows more than he lets on and springs a twist/cliffhanger every now and then. i liked the scenes with him and dick in 3.04 where it seemed like he was genuinely on the backfoot and things weren’t going as he predicted. for all of his faults, dick is at least familiar with scarecrow’s bullshit and knows not to give what he wants.

5. i mean... i see where dick is coming from with the “he’s not jason anymore; he’s red hood” because his immediate glaring concern is scarecrow’s drug and the damage it could potentially cause gotham? i do not doubt that it’s something batman drilled into him, too, but when you’re expected to take point on a situation where the lives of an entire city weigh down on your shoulders, it’s better to simplify things and prioritise. i’m not saying it’s great or healthy! gar is absolutely right to consider this facet of the situation. it’s just dick can’t.

6. hmmmmmmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

i don’t know that i’m super fond of this iteration of oracle???? it looks like a cross between cerebro from x-men and jarvis from iron man. it’s giving me second-hand embarrassment. somebody help me.

(at least they remembered dick’s middle name is actually “john”. i like to think bruce printed D in that contract because for a while he genuinely thought richard “dick” grayson was his full name. duck duck goose, dick dick grayson, i don’t know alfred, the kid was in a circus, maybe they thought it was funny. or maybe it was a test in anger control, who knows.)

6.5 “maybe you two would like some time alone?” even AI can’t help hitting on dick grayson in this universe.

“oh mr grayson, if i only had another eye to see you better...”

6.8. on one hand, it’s a bit disconcerting that the title of ‘oracle’ has gone from barbara herself to this gigantic machine; from my impression of the comics-verse, barbara had an extensive computing and surveillance system, true, but she was very clearly the brains behind the operation. on the other hand, i’m kind of glad that the ethical boundaries that this kind of surveillance violates is a sticking point for barbara. (tho let’s be real, the nsa would kill to have this in their arsenal).

6.9. also it’s now obvious that scarecrow’s big plan is to take control of oracle itself. it’s why he had lady vic take that picture of her eyes, or why he’s meddling around with it on his computer.

6.95. if only i could ‘command sleep’ anybody overstepping their boundaries re: personal information...

7. “you can just sit back and watch as the titans destroy themselves.” i mean... he’s not wrong

8. “dick’s parents were killed by a criminal mob; he won’t work with them.” it’s wonderful that you have this insight into dick, kory, i just wish we could’ve watched some of these conversations actually happen on-screen.

8.5. i’m glad that kom’s being treated with such nuance and understanding, though it’s obvious that she definitely has a Plan of her own. (and did i entirely imagine her ability to mimic other people flawlessly at the end of s2? or is that going to come into play at some point?) i think her story has the potential to be genuinely poignant, and in a universe where being Different, either because of mental health or physical differences or whatever else, leads a straight line to Evil, it’s important to acknowledge and then emphasise that the mere fact of your existence as a Different Person doesn’t predispose you to evil. maybe your act of destroying a system that has destroyed you and not scrambling to “fit in” is only evil as defined by that system.

8.8. “you’re trespassing, i should call the authorities, i feel unsafe.” now this is a villain lady who’s definitely aware of her privilege.

8.85. kom smirking knowingly at her sister is everything.

“oooh that’s the kory i remember”

9. conner and dick working together woo!

9.25. god i hate a villain who’s always just a step ahead, no matter what. so crane anticipated dick using oracle to track his personal communications and set him up? how did he know when exactly dick would get to do this? how long did he have that poor man tied up in that van?

(the “save me, grayson” is a nice touch, tho. send dick spiralling even further! because if there’s one thing dick will do, it’s take responsibility for every goddamn thing that goes wrong.)

9.5. ahem. i’m going to need a million gifs of conner yeeting dick across that yard, fandom, thankyouverymuch.

(i understand conner is invulnerable to explosions, but how do his clothes survive??)

9.8. oooh crane is already in oracle! i’m just sitting here laughing helplessly because they’re overpowering this goddamned guy so much. he can build a lab in arkham’s basement! he has access to lazarus puddles! he has minions working across gotham, including a fully functional chemical laboratory staffed by chemists who only answer to him! he has the crime families of gotham quailing in his very presence! he has assassins at his beck and call! he’s enough of a manipulative bastard to have red hood under his thumb! and now he has enough of a tech know-how to not only be aware of oracle, but know how to hack into it! i’m sick of exclamation marks! i’ll shut up now!

9.95. dick leaving behind that smouldering grave for a person he failed to save without taking a second to process how he feels about it and running towards his next plan to corner scarecrow: a microcosm of where his head’s at right now.

10. really hammering in the themes of this season, aren’t we.

10.25. the interesting thing is the titans repeatedly call themselves a family this season (none more so than dick) and while that found family has helped encapsulate and put away their traumatic experiences with their ‘original’ families, it’s meant that they’ve not really dealt with those issues. and dick and gar and jason come from ‘found families’ of their own: they are twice removed, traumatised two times over. they still cling to this identity however, and because of it they’re losing each other. a family isn’t static. it’s an ever-evolving dynamic and you have to put in work constantly to keep it healthy.

10.5. anyway, that’s entry #2346. i’m here aaaalll night.

11. lookit gar the detective! half-transforming and using his powers to deduce things! what a hero! i’ve said this for a long time, but gar is the bedrock of this team, and an unsung one at that.

11.25. i’m confused about him calling this room jason’s though. it seems to me that this is dick’s room that jason later used, and one that dick’s using now. so the unmade bed isn’t really jason’s fault; dick was woken by barbara that morning, and in his hurry, he left without making his bed.

(it still confounds me that bruce didn’t find jason another bedroom in that gigantic mansion of his. you really didn’t give this kid a chance, did you?)

12. oh well. so much for the oracle.

13. ... sorry, wait. you didn’t think i wasn’t going to address the bit with dick right now, did you?

12.5. i honestly don’t think it’s very complicated: dick’s been reeling from one traumatic thing to the next, and just when it seemed like at the beginning of the season, he felt happy and secure with his team and his place in the world, bruce ups and leaves gotham to him, specifically naming him a successor and calling him a ‘better batman’. he’s lost garth and jericho and donna and jason and now hank and dawn. he’s not even sure where rachel is or what she’s doing. after being told that batman was a psychopath for moulding him into a weapon, he’s also been told that his failure to be a ‘better batman’ lead to further disaster. of course he’s going to get batman-goggles. of course he’s going to be a prick.

12.8. i don’t know what to say. i feel his frustration acutely. i don’t think he should’ve said what he said to barbara (can people stop pushing her around this season????) but that pressure to step in where your parent fails? to clean up their messes and try to think like them? to fall into habits drilled into you when you developed them as coping mechanisms growing up? I FEEL THAT.

every step he’s taking he’s putting 110% of himself in it and scarecrow’s still playing mindgames with all of them: i absolutely feel his desperation to take control of that game and turn it on scarecrow, no matter what it takes.

and he did apologise almost immediately, and finally--finally--actually works with barbara.

12.9. again, not excusing him! but i get it. and i think that’s a sign of great character writing.

“did you know i just reminded emmram of all of her daddy issues? what the fuck????”

12.95. i love that dick&barbara, kory&kom, and gar are all approaching solving this mystery from different angles, each as valid as the other. also, conner is there as... emergency bomb defuser man?

13. it’s like all fancy rich people in fancy rich houses do is pour fancy rich alcohol into fancy rich glasses on pristine, untouched tabletops. i wonder what it’s like to live like that.

13.25. I KNEW IT! poor michael. it was nice knowing you.

13.5. man, kory is contending with a lot of issues that she’s successfully bottled up and compartmentalised until now. the cold reality that a child can seek out their parents as refuge and they can view the child as a piece to be moved in a greater game (never out of cruelty, though, never, and somehow that makes it worse), that truth of blackfire’s treatment on tamaran because she’s different, and her own culpability in what happened. she exchanged one family for another, after all, and left that family to die and her sister to suffer. like dick, like gar, kory’s being forced to reckon with what the titans are meant to be, the larger implications of creating their found family in their own space.

14. it’s probably because it’s one in the morning and i’ve had two glasses of wine but i did not follow that bit of exposition at all and victor freeze??? what?

anyway. look at them solving things! together! go team!

“you made a deal with the mob?” oh the sense of betrayal on his face! fuck off, dick, your issues aren’t kory’s.

15. conner is really sweet and a bit of an awestruck crush on kom is to be expected. especially after that power rangers-esque transformation (i say this as a former huge power rangers fangirl. i’ve seen every series until 2007 including the original japanese versions and written fanfic for all of them. so i love a cool costume transformation, is what i’m saying.)

also?

FUCK YEAH

16. i love the gotham crime families just chillin’ around eating ice cream. I LOVE THEM

16.5. that was a fun fight sequence, if marred slightly by that bit of awkward flirting between conner and kom. i wonder if she’s really planning to use him in a larger scheme to get kory back to tamaran, or maybe something else.

16.75. so i’m assuming that scarecrow has jason either so paralysed by fear that he can barely move, or jason’s withdrawing from the drug that he’s been sucking in every few minutes.

17. it’s nice to see them chill after a successful mission! and it can be awkward, but conner’s crush on kom and him striving to impress her is also, well, uh... cute.

17.5. i guess the dick/barbara scene was inevitable, especially given the... unresolved nature of their relationship in the flashbacks? and they’ve been through a rollercoaster together this episode, discovering and then destroying an incredible tool within a matter of hours, re-discovering just how well they work together as a team. dick’s swimming in the nostalgia. i don’t expect it to last as a long-term relationship, but i totally get why this is happening now. and hey, they’re cute!

i have a weeeirrrrd feeling that kory is going to leave to tamaran at the end of the season and that dick and kory will rekindle--or rather realise--their relationship just before that. it’s going to be devastating and beautiful and painful and i will be writing essays about it which would be me just wailing into the screen.

18. gar found molly!!!!!!! MOLLY’S BACK! \o/ gar is the BEST

19. that was a fun episode! i love this silly show, even if it does destroy me sometimes <3

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #dick grayson #barbara gordon #koriand'r #komand'r #garfield logan #jonathan crane #conner kent #a byronic cupcake #badass strawberry truffle #manic pixie pop tart

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voleurdesoleil-archive · 3 years ago

Text

The things you feel inside

Fandom: Haikyuu!

Characters: Ushijima Wakatoshi, Bokuto Koutarou

Word count: 1.7k

A/N: this was a gift for my pe, and I didn't plan on posting it here but I'm really proud of it so here you go

read on ao3

-Wasn't the captain's reunion supposed to be today?

-It is.

-Then why are you still on your phone?

Ushijima stares at Tendou's text, he doesn't know what to answer. He’d like to tell him that it’s because he’s not here with him, but Ushijima knows he can’t say that, it wouldn’t be fair to his husband. He knows Tendou would be capable of giving up his store and buying a plane ticket if he sent that, so he keeps it for himself and lies. He tells him the other captains went out to order food when Kuroo is actually in the kitchen, on the phone with some fast food place, ordering for all of them, while the others are playing video games with Kenma.

"Hey!"

Ushijima lifts his head from his phone as Bokuto flops himself next to him on the couch.

"You're quieter than usual, are you okay?" Bokuto asks, concern seeping through his voice.

He's not. He wants to say it out loud, but Ushijima knows that if he does, it will only result in more questions and he isn't ready to open up. Not yet.

So, when Ushijima's answer doesn't come, Bokuto adds: "You know I'm here if you need to talk. "

Ushijima nods. They aren't close but ever since they met Bokuto always made sure all of them felt at ease or that no one was feeling left out during their meetings. People often seem to mistake MSBY's ace for someone careless or egotistical, but Bokuto has proven on multiple occasions that he is someone with great empathy who cares deeply for people he loves and Ushijima really admires him for it.

Ushijima's attention is drawn away as his phone lights up with another text from Tendou.

"How's Tendou doing?" Bokuto asks as Ushijima types a reply to his husband. "I saw him in a food magazine the other day. He looked super cool with his chef's hat and all!"

"He is doing great. His chocolaterie has been getting a lot of success thanks to social media. He says people really like his "vibe", although I'm not quite sure what he means by that. And-" Ushijima starts rummaging through his photos, until he finds pictures of Vabo-chan and other volleyball related figurines that he shows Bokuto. "-he's been trying to create a volleyball collection, but his colleagues aren't really up for it."

"Wow man! They're awesome! You should put them in the groupchat, the guys would love them!"

Ushijima nods as he gets another text from Tendou telling him he's going to open the shop soon and urging him to have fun.

"You miss him, don't you?"

"I do…"

"Must be hard. I'm lucky that all my partners live around here, but Kuroo and Kenma often have to go away for work and I miss them a lot when they do. So I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so far away from Tendou…"

Ushijima doesn't quite know what to answer to that so he stays silent as his heart clenches a bit tighter in his chest. Bokuto's deduction is correct. Of course it's hard being away from Tendou, harder than what he thought actually.

When Tendou left after high school it was only supposed to be for a couple of years - he had gotten an internship with a renowned pâtissier, he couldn’t let the opportunity go away, so he took it - and he did come back after that. They lived together for a few years, bought their first house together. They even got married.

But last year Tendou decided he wanted to have his own chocolaterie in France, so Ushijima let him go. It was only for a few years, until Tendou could expand and open a chocolaterie in Japan too. They had done it already, so Ushijima thought it would be easy. But this time it was different. Harder. Simply because they had shared a home.

They had learned to live together, to appreciate each other's company. They had cared for the other when he fell sick. They had prepared the other's favorite meal just because they wanted to surprise him. They got used to coming back to the other after a long day at work or after practice. Ushijima got used to trying Tendou's new recipes just like Tendou got used to seeing Ushijima bring home plants on the verge of death to revive them. They got used to each other's quirks and routine.

So it is hard. Coming back home to an empty house. Not having to open the windows because of a funky smell coming from the kitchen. Waking up in an empty bed. Not being able to touch each other. Saying he misses Tendou terribly would be an understatement.

And what's not helping is the fact that he hasn't seen Daichi in a while either. Because in addition to missing his husband, he now also misses his boyfriend.

Until this morning, he thought that he would finally be able to see him but that was only when Kuroo wished Daichi a happy anniversary that Ushijima remembered his boyfriend wouldn't be here tonight as he was taking Sugawara and Asahi out to dinner for their anniversary.

"Do you want to cuddle?"

"What?" Ushijima blinks, thinking he misunderstood.

"I know it's coming out of nowhere, but Daichi said you're a pretty cuddly person and I thought, maybe, it would make you feel a little better, but if you're not comfortable I totally get that, I mean we don't really know each other that well. I just wanna help and you do look like you give the best cuddles…did I say that? Sorry I'm rambling. "

Trying to hide his embarrassment, Bokuto lifts his arms to rub the back of his neck and gives him a sheepish smile, causing Ushijima to let out a chuckle.

He takes a moment to consider the idea. He indeed has been craving physical affection, so Bokuto’s offer sounds appealing. On the other hand, although Ushijima loves to cuddle, it takes him a while to get comfortable enough around someone to even just consider cuddling with them and, as MSBY’s ace stated it, they’re aren’t really close. So Ushijima doesn’t exactly know why he answers:

"I would love that Bokuto"

"For real?"

"If you didn't change your mind, yes."

Bokuto almost throws himself on Ushijima but stops midway. "Wait, how do you want to do this?"

"I don't know?"

"Okay, first maybe we should- can you stand up for a sec?" Ushijima does as he is told and watches as Bokuto folds out the sofa bed to make more room for them. MSBY's ace then runs out of the room to come back carrying way more pillows than they need. "We'll be a little more comfortable like that." Bokuto says before letting himself fall in the mountain of pillows.

Ushijima pushes aside a few of them to make space for himself beside Bokuto. They stay still for a while, facing each other. Ushijima isn't particularly uncomfortable but Tendou often is the one who initiates their cuddling session and while Ushijima has been working on being the one to initiate them with Daichi he still hasn't fully worked out how to.

Bokuto must sense Ushijima's hesitation because he opens his arms and softly says: "You can lay on me for starters, or maybe you'd be more comfortable spooning, you tell me."

Ushijima takes in Bokuto's reassuring smile, which reminds him of Daichi's the first time they cuddled together - they have that same gentle smile that instantly puts you at ease - and finally dares getting closer to him. He hesitantly drapes an arm across his waist and checks on Bokuto's expression to make sure he's comfortable with this before laying his head on his chest. Bokuto's arms instinctively find their place around him.

"Would you like me to play with your hair?"

"Please…" The word comes out of Ushijima's mouth as barely more than a whisper.

This is awkward at first but, as Bokuto slowly runs his fingers through Ushijima's hair, brushing aside the stray hair lying about his forehead, his whole body relaxes and he makes himself more comfortable in Bokuto's arms.

The ace's embrace is tight around him but offers just the right amount of give, so that Ushijima can escape if he ever feels the need to. His own hold on the ace's waist becomes less stiff and Bokuto shifts slightly so that their bodies fit together more naturally. Their legs tangle together and a faint smile makes its way on Ushijima's lips.

He remembers the first time he and Tendou cuddled. They weren't together yet at the time and, just like today, Ushijima had been getting overwhelmed with his feelings. He remembers how grounding and soothing Tendou's feathering touch had been at the time. How all the stress he had accumulated had melted away when, with a simple touch, Tendou's brightness enveloped him. And right now, subject to Bokuto's touch, this is exactly how he feels.

Almost as a way to prove him how vulnerable he is, Ushijima's breath catches in his throat as Bokuto's thumb starts rubbing up and down the small of his back. Daichi once mentioned that one particular detail about cuddling with Bokuto and Ushijima now understands what he meant when he said that felt heavenly as that small movement sends shivers down his spine.

"Is this okay?" Bokuto asks.

Ushijima nods against his chest and mumbles a soft "yes" as his breathing catches up with Bokuto's.

Ushijima hears the door open behind him but he doesn't look back to see who has entered the room. Whistling fills the room and Ushijima has a hunch Oikawa is the one who entered the room. Bokuto's hand leaves his hair and he intimates to the other captain to stay quiet before combing through Ushijima's hair again.

When they're alone again, he brings MSBY's ace a little closer and, basking in Bokuto's warmth, Ushijima closes his eyes for a second and the ambient noise slowly fades until all he can hear is the steady rhythm of Bokuto's heartbeat. He feels safe.

___

Later that night, Ushijima is on the bus back home when he gets a text from Bokuto.

It's a picture of them both, asleep, cuddled up on the couch.

-Kuroo took it

-Look how adorable we are!

Ushijima can't help a smile to grow on his face. He's so glad they're friends.

#haikyuu #ushijima wakatoshi #Bokuto koutarou #they're both polyamorous but they aren't together #I just love them so much and think they'd make amazing friends #I know this is not my usual content but I don't care #ali's writing

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noona-clock · 4 years ago

Text

The Personal Trainer - Part 3

Genre: Gym!AU

Pairing: Junhoe x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: None

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 | Words: 2,383

Well. Here you were.

If someone had told you a week ago that today you would have not only successfully attended -- and completed -- three personal training sessions but be sitting in a restaurant waiting for Junhoe, your ex-boyfriend, to show up... you would have never believed them.

...Alas. That’s exactly how you found yourself on Saturday afternoon just before 1pm. Three personal training sessions under your belt and sitting in a restaurant waiting for Junhoe to show up.

(Of course, he was late -- nothing had changed there.)

But after your brother had told you he thought you’d never really gotten over Junhoe, you needed to prove to him that you could spend time and eat a meal with your ex-boyfriend without wanting to get back together with him.

Because you didn’t want to get back together with him!

Like, at all.

You had absolutely gotten closure after your break-up, and you honestly had no idea why your brother thought you hadn’t!

I mean, really --

“Hey... you okay?”

You jumped at the sudden sound of Junhoe’s low, familiar voice, your gaze shifting from a spot on the restaurant wall to his face now in front of you.

...When had he gotten here?

“Hi!” you replied, your voice a bit too rushed and a bit too high to be considered okay. “I’m so sorry, I was -- I just got distracted.”

A ghost of a smirk flashed across his lips; if you hadn’t been looking right at him, concentrating on his face, you would’ve missed it.

“It looked like you were worried about something,” he replied.

“No, no -- not at all.”

Even though you knew that Junhoe knew you well enough to be able to detect your worried face, he still shot you a small grin from across the table and said, “Good. So, have you ever been here before?”

Here being a small, locally-owned pasta place.

“No, I’ve never heard of it,” you answered with a shake of your head.

But trust Junhoe to know all the little hole-in-the-wall restaurants around town. He was far more of a Hipster than you ever would be -- and than he would ever care to admit.

A server arrived at your table then, obviously having seen the other half of your party arrive and sit down across from you at the cozy, two-person table. She greeted you gently before handing you both menus and taking your drink orders.

Junhoe waited a few moments after she left to let out a soft sigh and fold his hands on top of the table. “So... how have you been?”

A somewhat incredulous grin tugged at the very corners of your lips at his question because what a question it was.

It had been over two years since you’d seen each other, but the three years or so before that had been spent in incredibly close contact with each other. You’d had the kind of relationship where the two of you had basically been inseparable from the time you started dating to the time you broke up.

In fact, Junhoe had brought up the idea of living together multiple times. You had always pushed it off, though, because you’d thought it had been too soon -- and you’d been very glad of it when you’d inevitably ended things.

So, to have him ask you how you’ve been after going from being with each other all the time to literally not seeing each other for two years... it was just strange. Amusing, in a way, but strange.

“I’ve been...” you began, though you trailed off and then just lifted your shoulders into a shrug. “I’ve been all right, I guess. Pretty much the same.”

Junhoe raised his eyebrows over at you. “That’s a good thing, right? I mean, you look really good.”

It took about a quarter of a second for your cheeks to get warm.

Great. Your ex-boyfriend said you looked good, and now you were blushing. Wonderful. I mean, that’s just fantastic.

And you’d wondered why your brother thought you hadn’t really gotten over Junhoe.

“Yes,” you murmured, distracting yourself by looking at your menu rather than at him. “Yes, I think it’s a good thing. Same job, same apartment, same --”

“Same cat,” Junhoe finished for you with a smirk. “You said this already. At the gym on Monday.”

And your cheeks got even warmer.

“...Right,” you muttered with embarrassment.

“How’s Harry doing, though?”

You’d think that the mention of your cat would cause your embarrassment to ease, but you could still feel the hot pinkness in your face when you glanced up at Junhoe.

“He’s great,” you answered quickly. “Sleeps all day, eats dinner, sleeps all night. The usual.”

Junhoe chuckled softly before saying, “I, uh -- I actually got a dog a little while ago. Definitely wish she was on the same schedule as Harry, but she still wants to play all the time.”

You immediately pressed your lips together because your instinctive reaction was to reply with, Yeah, I know. I’ve seen pictures. She’s so adorable!

...But.

That would mean you’d have to explain that you still looked at his sister’s Instagram... and... yeah. That wasn’t happening.

Ever.

“Oh, yeah?” you forced yourself to say, your gaze still fixed on your menu.

It’s funny how you’d been looking at the menu so intently for a couple of minutes now, but you still had no idea what the restaurant even had to offer.

Junhoe hummed positively. “You wanna see pictures?”

Well, of course, you did. You preferred cats over dogs, but you honestly just loved all animals, and Junhoe -- apparently -- hadn’t forgotten.

“Yeah, sure!” you chirped, setting your menu down and looking across the table toward him as he picked up his phone and tapped on the screen.

Once he found a picture (or, most likely, the album he’d created just for his dog), he turned his phone around to show you.

“Oh, look at that,” you grinned. “She’s precious!”

Junhoe showed you a few more pictures before sliding his phone back into his pocket and picking up the menu -- thankfully, because it had been getting more difficult to act like you hadn’t known about his dog beforehand.

Why were you such a terrible liar?

But if you thought too much about lying, you knew you would eventually let something slip, so it was better to move on to another subject.

“I really have no idea what I want to get,” you said, your brow furrowing slightly. “What’s really good?”

Instead of recommending a pasta dish, though, Junhoe said, “Are you... sure you’re okay?”

Your brow furrowed even more as your eyes flitted upward to look at him.

“What --”

“If you’re uncomfortable, we don’t have to --”

“No, I’m not,” you assured him. You weren’t uncomfortable to be here with him, really -- you were more uncomfortable with the facts that your brother thought you’d never gotten over him and that you had continued to stalk his sister on social media. Neither of those was his fault. “Sorry, it’s just --”

“Weird,” he interrupted.

“...Yeah.”

“It feels like old times, but it doesn’t feel like old times. At all.”

You simply let out a breathy chuckle as a small grin appeared on your lips.

“I just thought it would be even weirder if we continued to train together without, like, sitting down and having a normal conversation, y’know?” he asked.

“No, you’re totally right.”

You just had to try and get over yourself -- get over what was holding you back from interacting with him like a normal human being.

You had to try and you had to succeed.

“So, you really just kind of fell into this job then, huh?” you asked as you rested your elbows on the table and leaned forward a bit.

The server had just taken your empty plates away, but you and Junhoe had just started a conversation about his new career as a personal trainer. You were genuinely interested to know how he’d gotten here.

“Yeah, pretty much,” he nodded slowly. “I started taking some martial arts classes and just fell in love with it all. Working out made me feel so much better about myself, and I wanted to help other people feel that way, too.”

A gentle frown curved your lips. That didn’t really sound like the Junhoe you’d known. He’d always been so confident and happy-go-lucky. Emphasis on confident.

“Feel better about yourself?” you asked quietly. “How do you mean?”

For the first time today, Junhoe’s gaze flickered away from yours. He shifted a bit uncomfortably in his chair and let out a soft but awkward chuckle.

“Yeah... I didn’t take it too well. ...Us. Ending.”

Your heart sank down into your stomach.

“My sister forced me to go see a counselor,” Junhoe continued. “And he suggested I start taking care of myself physically to see if that would help me mentally. And it worked.”

It took you a few moments to realize you were staring at him, your mouth hanging slightly open and your eyes wide with shock and grief.

It was entirely illogical for you to have known this because the two of you hadn’t spoken at all after your break-up. Not one single word. Not even through mutual friends.

But, for some reason... you felt like you should have known this. You felt guilty that you hadn’t.

“I --” you choked out. “I’m so... I’m so sorry. I had no --”

You started to reach out toward him, an urge to place your hand on his arm now overwhelming you. But you stopped yourself.

“Nah,” he replied dismissively with a casual shrug of his shoulders. “It wasn’t your fault. Plus, I’m fine now. I haven’t seen a counselor in months. I’m happy with my life. And seeing that you are, too, just makes everything even better.”

You bit your lip, trying to force a smile since he was being so nonchalant about it, obviously not wanting to make it a big deal.

“Good,” you managed, your voice just barely above a whisper. “I’m glad. I’m really glad you found something you love.”

Junhoe’s lips curved into a smile, flashing his perfect teeth at you for just a moment. “Thanks.” And then he added with a chuckle, his smile morphing into a smirk, “Now I just need to find someone I love.”

With a bemused laugh, you said, “I don’t think I can help you there.”

The server reappeared at your table then, laying your check down.

Junhoe murmured his agreement with you before reaching for both the receipt and his wallet.

You had also reached your hand out to take the receipt at just about the same time, pausing when you realized he had already taken it.

He paused, too, raising his eyebrows at you. “Don’t worry,” he said, that smirk still very apparent on his lips. “I’m paying for it, but it’s still not a date.”

“Jun,” you retorted, reverting back to your old nickname for him. “No, come on. I can pay! For mine, at least.”

“I know you can,” he assured you as he opened his wallet and slid out a credit card. “But you’re not. Not this time.”

If he were anyone else, you would’ve kept pestering him to let you pay for half.

But you knew Junhoe. At least, you’d known him as he had been a couple of years ago, and there’s no way he could’ve changed that much.

The guy was stubborn. Even if you got down on your knees and begged him to let you pay for half, he wouldn’t let you.

So, you simply took your hand back and set it in your lap. You let out a soft sigh and said, “Thank you. I appreciate it even though it’s not at all necessary.”

“You’re welcome,” he chuckled, holding the receipt and his card up to signal the server.

Once your meal had been cleared up and paid for, you followed Junhoe out of the small restaurant, clutching the strap of your bag a bit anxiously because -- date or not -- the end of any sort of get-together was always a bit awkward. You never wanted to go straight to your car as that felt rude, but you also never wanted to just hang around and talk.

As soon as Junhoe stepped through the door, holding it open to allow you through, as well, he said, “I won’t keep you long, but I just wanted to thank you for coming out with me.”

You shot him a small, close-lipped smile as more than a couple erratic butterflies began to form in your stomach. You really had no idea why you would be feeling butterflies in your stomach, but there they were.

“Of course,” you murmured with a shy nod. “It was nice to catch up.”

“It was,” Junhoe agreed. “I always kind of felt like... I don’t know, there was a little bit of unfinished business between us.”

Oh, god. Not him, too. First, your brother thought you had never gotten closure, and now, Junhoe thought there had been unfinished business?!

Were you the only person who had no idea what either of them was talking about?!

“But I think we’re good now,” Junhoe continued.

You simply nodded and let out a positive hum in agreement.

And then Junhoe lifted both of his arms and shot you a hopeful grin. “Hug?”

Without really thinking about it, you lifted your own arms and stepped up to him, allowing him to envelop you in his embrace.

And it took about three milliseconds to understand that you had made an awful mistake.

Junhoe’s arms were strong around you -- stronger than they’d ever been when you’d dated. His chest was solid and supportive. His cologne was subtle and comforting, obviously the same cologne he’d always worn.

The hug was familiar but new.

And it was wonderful.

You felt warm and fuzzy and comforted and cared for and safe and...

Loved.

For a few moments, you were transported back to when Junhoe had been your boyfriend. All over again, you felt how amazing it was to be loved by him.

You now wondered if you would ever feel that way again.

Part 4

#kwritersworldnet #junhoe scenarios #junhoe imagines #junhoe au #junhoe fluff #junhoe fanfic #ikon scenarios #ikon imagines #ikon au #ikon fluff #ikon fanfic #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop au #kpop fluff #kpop fanfic #ikon #junhoe #koo junhoe

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nathenortizblog · 4 years ago

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Week 10 Blog Post due 10/28/20

1. Is the creation and use of memes always harmful?

According to the reading titled “The Origins of Trolling” the author describes memes as “a group of digital items sharing common characteristics of content from and/or a substance that were created with awareness of each other, circulated and transformed via Internet users” (pg.74). The author associates the creation of memes with internet trolls who are trying to cause harm on the cyber world. However, memes are not always harmful they can be used in different contexts. I personally use memes when I am conversing with my friends, typically Spongebob and Kermit the Frog memes are my favorite. The use of memes can add humor to a conversation. Additionally, memes also can be relatable to folks based on different identities, examples are college student memes centering on things such as procrastinating. Also, memes can be used to flirt with someone using romantic memes! I can see how memes can be harmful if they are of a specific person and it can be considered either disrespectful or cyber bullying. An example is when Mike Pence had a fly land on him during the VP debate he became a meme and some people considered it to be disrespectful. However, memes of celebrities such as Wendy Williams or Nicki Minaj are not always considered offensive as sometimes these celebrities even laugh about their own memes! Overall memes can be considered both harmful and can lead to cyber bullying but if they are used properly they can also add more humor to a conversation. Considering the topic of memes I wanted to include a meme illustrating how I feel I look before writing a paper, hope you enjoy!

2. In the story of Grandpa Wiggly, how can we eliminate the stigma of the internet only being for young people?

In the reading “Don’t Feed the Troll: Shutting Down debate about community expectations on Reddit.com” the author discusses the story of Grandpa Wiggly. According to the reading “Grandpa Wiggly described himself as a former English teacher living in the United States with his wife and seven cats” (pg.4). Folks discovered of Grandpa Wiggly and believed he was a troll with harmful intentions to scam folks on the Internet. However, folks also thought he was genuinely an older man using the Internet like everyone else. The article reveals Grandpa Wiggly was a character and the creator made the identity as a form of entertainment. Internet and technology are associated with a younger audience and it seems older folks could never be on the internet. However, lots of older folks have actually taken a part of the internet in the sense they are on social networks like Facebook. I think we should eliminate the idea that the internet and technology is only for the younger generation, we should be inclusive and invite older folks to explore the internet learn about everything it has to offer. Also, we should not assume everyone is a troll on the internet! We should be cautious of who we encounter but also look into proving someone’s identity with a video saying hi or a video chat call. However if someone seems suspicious we can also report their account and allow the platform to take further action and investigate the person.

3. How should celebrities or public figures manage their social network accounts due to their being so many risks like encountering trolls?

In the reading “A Timeline of Leslie Jones’s horrific Online Abuse” the author Anna Silman describes a brief history of Leslie Jones’s experiences with online abuse. The author states how “the comedian’s Twitter account was inundated with racist and sexist hate speech” (pg.2). Celebrities just like everyone else in the current era of technology have a social media profile on either Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, or TikTok. Many times their comment or reply section is filled with many positive comments from fans showing their love and support. However, at times there is very hateful comments and replies found in these posts. I think celebrities should allow their publicist to run their social media account in order to avoid trolls and hateful comments from folks. I’m sure celebrities do not have their notifications on in order to avoid being swarmed with so many comments and liked or retweets on a post. I believe sometimes people forget celebrities are also human and have a personal life outside of their roles in entertainment. Fans can sometimes go over board and try to invade these celebrities privacy. Some politicians have a personal and official account on social media such as Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). I think this is a great start in order to separate the pool of trolls who are interesting in filling up the comments about their negative intentions. I also think celebrities should turn off the comments and ability to receive messages on their social networks in order to avoid coming in contact with trolls and receive hateful language and threats. Indeed this would lead to not being able to interact with fans but I believe their own safety should be a bigger concern.

4. If online harassment is so dangerous why are we so invested in social networks?

In the reading “Online Harassment” the author Maeve Duggan states how “73% of adult internet users have seen someone been harassed in some way online and 40% have personally experienced it” (pg. 1). Also, the author breakdown the statistics of what forms of harassment folks have experienced online. Some examples of harassment are being called offensive names, purposefully embarrassing someone, physically threatened, sexually harassed, and being stalked. These forms of harassment can occur on various social networks like Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and Tiktok. However, these forms of harassment can even be extended to dating apps where people can be catfished or a match on Tinder can lead to being stalked. We are so invested into our social networks and taking a funny boomerang for Instagram or creating a funny tweet for Twitter, we forget about all the dangerous of harassment that can occur online. I believe we are so invested in social media because of the different things they provide. Twitter provides live time news and it is more accessible for folks to report what is going on through a tweet instead of calling a news station. Although, these forms of online harassment can happen to anyone, I think it should be encouraged for folks to be aware of how to report and account or the use of blocking and muting a specific profile they are being targeted by. Also, younger kids are creating social media accounts which puts them at risk of being stalked or targeted by adults. Kids are creating social media accounts before they even enter high school, I personally was not able to have Instagram until I was a junior in high school. I think parents who allow their children to have social media at such a young age should enforce their kids having a private account in order to approve their followers. Social Media does have its risks just like almost everything else in life but I believe we just need to be more cautious of how to navigate the Internet safely.

Bergstrom, K. (2011). “Don’t feed the troll”: Shutting down debate about community expectations on Reddit.com. First Monday

Duggan, M. (2014), “Online Harassment” Pew Research Center, pp. 1-11.

Phillips, W. (2015), "Defining Terms: The Origins and Evolution of Subcultural Trolling”. This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Mapping the Relationship between Online Trolling and Mainstream Culture.

Silman, A. (2016). A Timeline of Leslie Jones's Horrific Online Abuse.

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #323

“dehumanized upon a shell / we came to bleed it dry / obsessed with divine wealth / divide and multiply”

Have you ever drawn on someone’s face while they were sleeping? No. Would you scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? No thanks. What is your favorite slow song? There are so many, but one of the slowest and most beloved of mine is "Obstacles" by Syd Matters. It gives me goosebumps without fail. It's one song I know I want at my hypothetical wedding. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? I mean, yeah. I'd want to know their intentions. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? It'd be extremely difficult, but if I had any say in it, I absolutely would. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times it causes too much pain, depending on the pictures, of course. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? Definitely not. My life is painfully uneventful. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? I don't know. Do you have a house phone? No. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? McDonald's. Have you ever met someone on the Internet in real life? Yep. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Do you like being in pictures? No. Do you travel a lot? Essentially never, even though I'd love to. Do you play any sports? No. Do you like pickles? Yesssss. How many times have you been kicked out of a store? Never. Is there things you’ve told someone that you’ve NEVER told anyone else? Probably. When was the last time you had alcohol? My birthday dinner last month. Are you one to often make typos? No, except when I'm texting. I have autocorrect on for a reason. On a hot day, would you rather prefer ice cream or a popsicle? Ice cream. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but I just didn't want to drink anymore at one point. I'm far from a lightweight, apparently. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist? Mother Mother immediately comes to mind, but not the main singer; he's great. The woman who occasionally joins in is fucking horrendous. Like, it hurts my ears. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't and never have really headbanged, surprisingly. It's a sure-fire way to make me dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I hope not... Sometimes I feel like it's time with photography, but I just. Can't. Have you ever captured a moth? I've raised a caterpillar into one before, then of course let it go. Is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway? Otep, noteably. When was the last time you wore earrings? It's been a long time. How many pairs of heels do you own? I don't think I have any. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? Uhhhh it's been at the very least a month, but I know more. Would you consider yourself to be physically strong? Absolutely not, especially my legs. I struggle to fucking walk because they're so weak. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a really fat cat? No, we never have. We've always been good about keeping our pets at a healthy weight. Do your initials spell a word? No. When was the last time you went to a playground? A year or so ago when I was taking pictures of someone's son, as well as just general family photos. That same family just had another baby the other day. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Do you have a favorite curse word in a different language? No. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multipication times tables? Lol not most of them, no... It's been way too long. Do you have a favorite font on the computer? Of the basic ones, probably Garamond. Are you good at creating logos? *shrugs* I've only ever really made my photography watermarks, and I only JUST made one I like pretty well. How about catch phrases? I don't make those. Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've actually had numerous dreams where I was pregnant, but I don't THINK I've had one where the baby was born yet. Do you or anyone you know have a rabbit? No. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? Hm, nothing too weird, I think. Last song you got stuck in your head? "ALTÆR" by 3TEETH. Last song you listened to? ^ Favorite movie quote? I don't know. Maybe Rafiki's quote about the past hurting, but you should take that opportunity to learn. Favorite lyric? That is impossible. There are so, so very many that just like slather me in goosebumps. What magazine are you an avid reader to? None. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I have. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Man, take me the hell back to my WiiFit days. I was pretty damn fit. The last time I did it, it was seriously alarming how much I struggled doing things that were once pretty effortless. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? "Very" seems a bit too much, but Mom definitely kept it in order. How many watches do you own? None. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes. Emergencies happen. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes; my mom has a cousin who's gay. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? Not recently, no. If so, what was the reason? ^ What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? Oh, y'know, dropping out of college three fucking times. Once I pay my own bills and I truly understand finances, that's going to fucking wreck me. Do you like metal music? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck yeah. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Heavy and symphonic. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom for bringing home lunch recently. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Maybe like a month when I was technically homeless? How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? It was preeeetty rough. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? A microwavable breakfast bowl. Do you go on the computer or watch TV more? Guess. Explain why you are single: Because I'm a very, very underdeveloped "adult" that has very little clue what she's doing. At my age, I and any potential partner should want someone with direction. What feature do you usually get most complimented on? My hair. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Well, I'm bi. I had this weird therapist once in middle school though who asked if I was a lesbian... Idk why she did? What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? I'm in an advanced ball python husbandry group, and while a lot of people there are utter, degrading elitists, they do have valuable information. Did you name all of your stuffed animals and dolls? I sure did as a kid. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Probably black dresses, and I think it'd be really cool if I were to marry a woman, the bridesmaids wear checkered Converses colored into a rainbow pattern, or something like that. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska, if it was a good time to see the Northern Lights. Are you sick right now? No, thankfully. Do you feel loved? Yes. Do you like your butt? Why or why not? God no. I have such a flat ass. Are you ashamed of your faith? I'm assuming by this you mean religion, in which case, I don't have one and am not ashamed of that. Has anyone ever tried to force their beliefs on you? Yes. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? Again, I'm bisexual. I have never had a personal act of homophobia inflicted upon me, though. Have you ever been accused of being homophobic? Yes, because I was for most of my life. Fucking repulsive to remember. "Repulsive" is much too gentle a word, but yeah. It is so, so embarrassing to recall myself ever believing it was wrong because my then-religion said no-no. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two pets. I would be so, so lonely without any. :/ I've had pets my entire life. Who was the last person you went on a date with? Sara. How long has it been since that last time you went on a date? Like two or so years. Do you think babies are cute? They can be, but I usually don't find them all that cute, honestly. Especially newborns/very young infants. They're usually hideous. My youngest niece is actually the only newborn that I remember seeing that I thought was absolultely precious. What is your favorite style of pants? Ripped skinny jeans. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Who was the last person who broke your heart? Jason. ^Do you still miss this person? I'm sure I always will to some degree. Do you have someone to talk to and share your secrets with? Sara more than anyone, but Mom, too. Is there someone you feel extra shy around? Just men in general. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic. Closest living thing to you? My snake's terrarium is against the opposite wall. She's in her hide. Would you rather drown or burn alive? Drown. You go unconscious first, so. And I'd assume it to be faster than burning alive. Also me no like hot. :'''( Who is the last person you got really pissed off with? My stepmother posted some ignorant bullshit on Facebook about how people blow out of proportion our "supposed" environmental crisis. I nearly deleted her right then and there. I take that shit seriously. Most of her beliefs drive me insane, honestly, but she's a wonderful person at heart, so I just bit my tongue. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? Girt. What type of sushi do you like to eat? Never tried it, don't want to. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Yes. Do you have any flowers in your room? No. Do you know anyone that owns horses? Yes. Well, I took pictures for her family, anyway. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? Jesus, yes. My little sister. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither are "big" health freaks, especially not Dad when you consider he smokes and knows it'll be what kills him. My mom is diabetic though, so she's reasonably careful. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don't have any. Ma tries to keep snacks out of the house for both hers and my sake. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH BOY idk. I'd probably spend days planning the "perfect" thing. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I do. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep, my band teacher. He was incredibly loved by literally everyone. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither's. They both have brown eyes. What’s the best date movie? We gonna have a problem if you don't watch The Notebook w/ me if I have it on lmao. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Many years now. (: Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but I don't yell. Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva? Andrea. If you were adopted, would you want to know? Yes. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't care less about someone's eyebrows. Do your pets chase after bugs? Oh yes, Roman certainly does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Hmmm... this actually happened recently, but I don't remember why... What is your mom’s favorite movie? I don't know, actually. I think it's some romance one. What TV family reminds you of your own family? None, really. Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who? One of my best high school friends Alon was like... just always pristinely beautiful, it seemed like. I haven't seen many pictures of her lately, but I'm sure that hasn't changed. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so once, yes. Who was the main character in the last book you read? A dragon named Sunny. Who are the last people you saw kiss? On the lips, I'm sure it woulda been my sister and her husband. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Clouds, I think. Well, it would depend on their design, I guess, and time of day. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? Probably my mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? She has a wonderful relationship with them. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? I was the fat, hideous, crying bridesmaid. ;x; Are you purposely hiding something from someone? No. What’s the most intimate thing you’ve discussed with a stranger? My suicide attempt with doctors. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I always get fries. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? My grandmother. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes. Dad doesn't have one. What’s the last tourist area you visited? Chicago. Mice or roaches? Mice are precious, meanwhile I hate roaches. Did you give or get any Valentines this year? No. Well, Mom bought me and my sisters each a delicious candy apple, if that counts? What’s your homepage? Google. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''altaer" by 3teeth

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iamonlypartlymajestic · 4 years ago

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KAIJU FORCE (SPACE FORCE/GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS FANFIC)

*Co-written with @awildtrashcan*

AO3 LINK CHAPTER 1

Chapter 2 - Mark and Mallory (and Fuck Tony and Sam) Go to Washington

Sam smiles when he sees Dr. Mallory walking towards him, but the grin wilts when he sees how annoyed the older man is as he walks closer. The Monarch director had already finished any work pertaining to his actual job and since he was already in the area, decided to make a visit to Space Force. He was having a quite invigorating discussion with Dr. Chan about the effects of MUTO radiation on terrestrial plant life (his PhD may be in computer science, but he’s always up for learning new things), when he noticed Dr. Mallory’s ID lying forgotten on one of the nearby tables. Having recently been informed about the upcoming budget hearing that day, he figured the chief scientist was with the general getting ready.

"Dr. Mallory, I saw you left your ID back in the botany lab."

Mallory's eyes widen in surprise as Sam holds his credentials in front of him, before he breaks into a relieved smile. "Thank you, Dr. Coleman. I was just on my way to grab it."

“No pro—blem?” Rather than take the ID from Sam’s hand, Mallory drags the younger man by his jacket down the path he just came from and through the main building, all the way into General Naird's office waiting room, and pushes him in front of a guard. Why do people in Space Force want to manhandle him all the time? However, unlike with Fuck Tony, Sam doesn’t want to be rude and resigns to letting the chief scientist do as he pleases.

Mallory silently holds Sam's arm which is still carrying the older man’s ID and pushes it into the guard's face. The guard squints to stare at the small rectangular piece of plastic attached to a random man’s arm. "Thank you,” he says pleasantly, “Doctor...Mallory."

Dr. Mallory abruptly drops his hold on Sam causing the younger man to stumble on the ground. “You knew that,” Mallory says utterly deadpan.

Sam stands up and straightens out his suit and tie when the general’s assistant, Brigadier General “Just call me Brad!” Gregory, informs him about General Naird’s last minute media prep with Fuck Tony.

Mallory just sighs deeply. And walks out of the waiting room.

“Wait! Dr. Mallory!” Sam picks up the dropped ID and quickly goes after the man.

~O~

It was just supposed to be a quick hang out sesh with the science team, despairs Sam as he trails after Dr. Mallory. Now the chief scientist has asked (read: forced) Sam to pick up what is most likely the science team budget binder for the older man so he wouldn’t have to walk back to the lab himself.

Having finally found the general (and Fuck Tony), Mallory commands his new manservant to chase after the two.

“Gen-general Naird!” Sam’s voice cracks, his lungs tired after having to jog back and forth the entire length of Space Force so many times (he's definitely met his weekly physical activity quota within the last hour). Thankfully, the general stops, allowing Sam to take a break. He holds the binder out like a shield as he pants.

“Where is my rat blood pressure research funding?!” Each of Mallory’s words are emphasized as he walks up behind Sam.

Sam barely registers that the three men have started walking again when he finally catches his breath.

“Uh, er. Dr. Mallory?” He strides up to the two arguing men, “I hate to interrupt, but now that the general is here, I’ll just head out myself.” Sam wants to just go home and take a nap. He wasn’t expecting the sudden work-out today.

As Mallory takes the binder from him, General Naird stares at Sam with a raised eyebrow. The general hums and asks, “Isn’t one of your tasks in Monarch to speak in Senate hearings?”

Bewildered by the sudden question, Sam answers with a hesitant yes.

“Do they include budget meetings?”

“Um…” Sam glances behind the general’s shoulder at Fuck Tony’s obviously amused expression.

“Perfect! You’re coming with us.” General Naird continues walking, firmly ignoring any of Sam’s and Dr. Mallory’s protests. The two PhD holders look at each other in commiseration before following.

Outside, a young woman bounces up to the general. Sam, Tony, and Mallory stand a couple feet back as General Naird and his daughter speak. Sam takes the time to look at the pilot waiting in parade rest and the helicopter behind her. It’s been a while since Sam has been in a helicopter as Monarch typically uses an Osprey to carry multiple passengers as well as important cargo over the long distances between outposts. Having looked his fill, he turns back to the conversation in front of him.

“...gave the teacher the finger,” says the general’s daughter proudly.

"Nice! Y’know, one time my history teacher gave me a C so I planted drugs in his desk, and now? He lives under a bridge like a troll!" Tony excitedly informs the teenager. He elbows Sam in camaraderie and wiggles his eyebrows.

"I never went to high school,” Sam pipes up after Tony, but quickly finishes his sentence when the general turns around to give him a hard look. “I mean—I graduated university at fourteen...so I didn’t have to?” Sam gives the older man a pained smile and tells himself to shut up.

Tony rolls his eyes and scoffs, “Nerd.”

Sam doesn’t miss Dr. Mallory’s nod of approval, however, and tries hard not to blush.

The three men watch the very uncomfortable (at least for Sam) conversation between father and daughter. General Naird then commands the pilot of their helicopter, Captain Ali, to basically babysit his teenage daughter, which Sam honestly thinks is uncalled for.

Sam gives the captain a sympathetic smile, who returns an unamused glare. A bit scared for his life now, the Monarch director hurries after the three other men into the helicopter.

“At least someone else here knows how to fly,” General Naird says gruffly as he sits himself onto the pilot’s seat. Sam’s surprised but pleased that the general remembered. Nervous about the awkward start of their first meeting, Sam had told the older man about having a pilot’s license as to create some common ground between the two.

“Kiss ass,” Fuck Tony calls him in a hushed sing-song voice. Sam rolls his eyes and refuses to answer back, buckling up his own seatbelt. As the youngest, they were both delegated to the back seats of the helicopter with Dr. Mallory up at the front passenger’s next to the general.

Sam wishes he could say he gets the last laugh upon learning how freaked out Tony gets during their flight, but the brunet man is an utter nightmare to sit next to on an aircraft.

After flying for a few minutes, Mallory takes the time to continue his argument, “Rat hemoglobins are substantially—”

“Jesus, just let him fly the fucking thing!” Tony ends up screaming into Sam’s ear as the asshole bends closer towards Dr. Mallory, who’s in the seat directly in front of Sam. “You’re talking, he’s gotta fly!”

Sam pushes the panicked man off of him, and not one to be so easily deterred, Fuck Tony pushes back, which eventually leads to a slap fight between the two younger men.

"Oh, for the love of—I will turn this helicopter back around if you don't knock it off, do I make myself clear?!" The general yells at the two behind him who quickly stop and settle down.

Sam just hears Mallory sigh wearily over the microphone.

~O~

"So why'd you come here?" Tony asks him, eyes still fixed on his phone. The two younger men sit on wooden benches outside of the Chief of Staff Gold Room, waiting for General Naird. Unlike Mallory, who settled himself right outside of the door, he and Tony are in an empty hallway nearby, not wanting to disturb the other visitors.

"What?" Sam says, taking a pause from twisting and flexing his fingers (a nervous tic he’s developed since childhood from his need to constantly tinker with something).

Tony finally looks up from his phone and waves a hand at Sam, gesturing...something. Sam doesn’t know what. "It wasn't that surprising to see you act like Mallory's personal gofer, you science dudes tend to travel in packs. But letting Naird drag you with him? You do know the general doesn't really have power over you, right? He's your business partner, not your boss."

"I...I just thought I'd help him out? Since we're business partners I may as well make sure the group I'm working with doesn't implode weeks into our partnership." Sam chooses to ignore the fact that Fuck Tony has a point, embarrassed at his own lack of a backbone.

"Well, if you say so. Honestly, he'll need all the help he can get." The brunet sends Sam a pointed look.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sam stretches his fingers even tighter, his eyebrows furrowing in worry.

"You'll see," Tony says in a tone implying lots and lots of experience with the matter, and goes back to playing with his phone.

~O~

As they walk into Capitol Hill, Sam feels his back straighten automatically, holding his head up higher to show he’s much more confident than he really is. A Pavlovian response that formed from having to speak to several crowds on behalf of Monarch.

It probably doesn’t work considering many senators still tend to disregard his existence.

Sam startles at seeing a balding senator grab the general in a forceful hug and almost bumps into Dr. Mallory in front of him.

“Well! That was awkward and horrible,” Tony declares with a grin. And Sam is about to agree until the other man continues, “The man is about to grill you, let him bring it in for the real thing. Remember!” He points a finger to emphasize his point, “You gotta embrace to get those dollars for space!”

“What? No!” Sam blurts out. Unfortunately, his warning goes unheard when an older woman passes by.

The secondhand cringe Sam gets seeing General Naird give his own non-consensual hug to Representative Pitosi makes the younger man’s skin crawl.

“What the fuck, Fuck Tony?” Sam whispers and gives his own look of disbelief towards the brunet as they wait to be let inside. The Monarch director then turns to the general and says placatingly, “Maybe you shouldn’t follow Tony’s advice, sir.”

Tony cocks his head toward the shorter man and narrows his eyes. "I'm sorry, since when were you the PR guy?"

“Oh no, I’m sorry,” Sam gives Tony a sarcastically pitying look, “I’m just the man whose job is to speak at these things.”

"Great job you're doing when you tell the general's daughter to skip school as you're telling her not to skip school." Tony raises his eyebrow and crosses his arms.

“What the hell does that even mean?!” Sam throws his hands up in the air.

“Gentlemen…” Dr. Mallory’s voice creeps up from behind the two, irritated by the noise. Sam and Tony face the chief scientist. His eyes stare coldly at them.

“Sorry, sir.” Sam says meekly.

“Whatever,” sneers Tony at the same time.

~O~

Sam closes his eyes and focuses on breathing slowly so he doesn't end up bashing his head into something as he's forced to listen to a fucking flat earther that somehow got a position in Congress. Granted, considering the fact that the current POTUS is a Piece Of Shit he really shouldn't be surprised but holy crap, he is losing brain cells by the second. Brain cells that are very important to MUTO research, thank you very much…why the hell is here, again?

Tony obnoxiously lets out a fake guffaw and pats Sam’s shoulder harshly as the general makes a joke. Sam gives his own awkward giggle since the rest of the crowd behind them laugh along.

He really doesn’t want to be here.

Tony pulls his phone out yet again and starts typing away. Sam’s already beginning to tune out the whole hearing when his phone vibrates inside his jacket pocket. He ignores it.

Tony continues to text. Sam’s phone continues to vibrate.

Sam’s noticing a trend here. He pulls out his own phone, staring disapprovingly at Tony and then at his messages.

Told you so

You enjoying your front row seat for the cringe show?

Saaaam

Sam takes a quick peek at the senators sitting above them and then leans towards Tony, whispering, “Why are you texting me right now?”

Tony presses a finger against his own lips and shushes him, “It’s rude to talk when others are speaking.”

Sam huffs and returns to his phone. What an asshole!

You’re an asshole. Stop texting me.

bold words for someone texting me

Sam leaves Tony’s messages on “read” and tries to refocus on the meeting. Representative Pitosi is holding a stack of documents filled almost entirely with black lines.

Wow. And people thought Monarch—a literally secret (or rather semi-secret now) science organization—had a problem with being open about their experiments and research?

Sam frowns as he sees the general begin to tap a pencil on the desk and clear his throat an unnecessary number of times. The Monarch representative glances around in case anyone notices him and then types out a text.

Is Naird ok?

dw this happens anytime all of us depend on him being able to talk like a human being :/

Wow How does Space Force function?

we dont

Sam doesn’t even bother to reply back, pressing his hand to his forehead. “Jesus…,” he whispers.

It also doesn’t help Sam’s anxiety when the general seriously says—out loud, he wants to emphasize—that “Space is hard.” He receives another text.

"Space is hard." - General Mark R. Naird, 2020 #newmotto

Sam sinks deeper into his seat.

But then straightens up again as General Naird continues to speak.

“...I want her to have a taste of the Earth and remember what she’s fighting for.” The general’s voice trembles slightly but stays strong as he talks. It shames Sam to say this, but before this moment, he hadn’t realized how passionate General Naird is about Space Force and its role in helping society. The older man’s speech reminds him of Dr. Serizawa. How the Monarch scientist would speak in their own Senate hearings, fighting for the respect Titans deserve as fellow beings living with us on Earth. If we took care of our home and its inhabitants, they would take care of us in return.

A symbiotic relationship, if you will.

Sam smiles, his regard for the general increasing.

Incoherent chanting echoes from the back of the room. The crowd turns around to find a group of women wearing Handmaid’s Tale costumes and holding up signs with various “Pro-choice” slogans.

Bad timing, but good for them, Sam thinks.

Tony shakes him as they watch the protestors leave. “Hey, quick! Take a picture of me with them.”

“What?! Do it yourself.” But Tony has already thrown his phone at the other man and leaves Sam to juggle to not drop it. He quickly takes the picture and gives Tony back his phone. Sam’s own cell vibrates not long after.

cant even take a proper pic smh

Below the message is the photo Sam just took. More than half of the picture is covered by his thumb, completely obscuring Tony’s face.

Who said it was accidental?

He sends Tony the middle-finger emoji.

Tony sends three back.

Sam sends a GIF of a group of people flipping off the camera.

You win this time Coleman this time

Sam smirks and puts away his phone. Just in time for Dr. Mallory to classily put the young senator on blast. He could see the woman get increasingly more embarrassed from his front row seat.

Sam wants to be like Dr. Mallory when he grows up.

Representative Pitosi finally dismisses Space Force, and Sam and Tony quickly get up to follow the general and chief scientist.

Fuck Tony glides through the center walkway, holding his hand out for high-fives along the way. However, unlike the social media director, Sam is not a child and just stares admiringly at the two older men as they walk out of the room.

"So, Dr. Coleman," General Naird turns to him and Sam has to physically shake his head to remove the heart filter over his eyes. "How was our first Space Force budget hearing?"

Sam's casual smile vanishes into a thin line. He brings his hands, palms pressed together, over his mouth and inhales sharply. Next to him, Fuck Tony grins.

#fanfic #middleditch & schwartz #middleditch and schwartz #space force #Godzilla #godzilla: king of the monsters #longer chapter #woohoo #sam coleman #f. tony scarapiducci #dr. mallory #general naird

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madamewriterofwrongs · 5 years ago

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youtube

So.

Couple of things.

One: Fuck Bill Maher and any misguided fuck who thinks bullying anyone is an acceptable form of “showing you care”.

Two: I appreciate James Corden for responding as an overweight man with a platform to address the matter.

But James, you put cheap jokes ahead of getting a message across and that also doesn’t help. Playing into stereotypes to get a laugh is exactly what you should be fighting against!

I am fat. I have fat. I am a person with a whole lot of issues. One of them is my choice of eating habits. Another one is that I used to steal from pop-up shops. I also collect notebooks knowing I will never use them. I’ve only ever been shamed for one of those things.

And I don’t mean called out across the street by random strangers. I mean loved ones giving me diet books as Christmas presents. Acquaintances asking if I’m okay to go on this walk to the park or if I’d rather drive down the block. Strangers on the bus glaring at me even though I’m not even fully on the seat because I would rather be uncomfortable than take up any more space.

It’s so ingrained in Western Culture that people who have fat on their bodies are lesser, and it was made incredibly apparent in this video that no one really knows how to talk about it.

Maher said: “Being fat is not a birth defect. People don’t come out of the womb and need to buy two seats on an airplane.”

I don’t know anyone who comes out of the womb needing to buy one plane ticket but maybe that’s just me. Corden does address that for many, genetics is a huge component of weight loss and gain, and beyond that there’s poverty, parental guidance, and physical and mental illness that play a role. Weight is not always in someone’s control. It can be something one lives with from birth.

Parents who starve their babies because they see a little fat on their arms know that “being fat” is something you are just born with.

Maher said: “We’ve gone to this weird place where “being fat” is good. It’s pointing out that fat is unhealthy, that’s what’s bad.”

You are absolutely right, Billy Boy, there are health problems associated with excessive amount of fat on the body. You know what I’m not? A mannequin. A thought experiment. Or any other god damn thing but a human being. Fat people are not just bodies. People with extra fat on their bodies are not any less deserving of some common fucking decency.

You know what weird place we’ve gone to, William? A place where strangers think they are entitled to an opinion about the way you look and god forbid you take any pride in your appearance. If you dress the way a “skinny” woman dresses, you are glorifying an unhealthy way of life and should die. If you dress to cover parts of your body, you are a lazy slob unworthy of life.

That was not a slip of the tongue. This is not about fat people, this is about fat women. Female presenting bodies that are not conventionally attractive are not allowed to exist in this world. Didn’t you know that?

God help us if we celebrate women of all sizes for taking charge of their bodies, and shame the men who think they have any say in how they live their lives.

Corden said: “Whenever I’ve met Bill Maher in person, he’s been nothing but kind and pleasant, which is why I find it so surprising that he thinks Fat Shaming needs to make a comeback. It never went anywhere.”

The introduction of message boards has created a slight void in public bullying. Why shout across the street that someone’s pig when you could put it in their instagram comments for thousands more to see? And if they fight back? They’re just too sensitive. Of course the crypt keeper will be nice to your face and then talk about a general group of people who vaguely resemble you as vile. That’s just how the world works, right?

Corden made a joke about struggling with his weight by saying “I’ve had good days, and bad months” and the audience laughed. And I wish I could explain how my soul left my body, flew to LA, into James’ dressing room, and sat him down to ask that one simple question:

Why was that funny?

Why did a room full of people laugh when you intentionally made a joke about portion control and self discipline during a segment talking about why shaming fat people isn’t a joke? Do you see the flawed logic in talking about being halfway through a pint of ice cream when the depression kicked in because of what Bill said? Of how all fat people love sugar-coating things.

If you have a platform, why aren’t you continuously using it to teach people a lesson?

After the jokes, Corden did talk about some real issues: Bullying, Poverty, Obesity-related Health Issues, and the fact that SHAMING PEOPLE ONLY CAUSES PEOPLE TO FEEL SHAME. He even makes some jokes about Whole Foods donating salads for every shamed fat kid, and how if you shame the lepton hormone enough, it will change. Here’s where I get off track again.

Corden said: “A lack of shame is not the issue.”

Fat used to be a sign of wealth and now it is a sign of poverty and what’s changed is the perception of body fat and processed foods: neither of which are in the control of the person with the fat body. They are corporation and media influenced bullying that insists that people with health problems, or people living in poverty, or people who are just living their lives anyway they god damn want to, are the ones deserving of shame. Not the ones who feel it is their place to speak out about something that is none of their god damn business.

Smoking kills people who do not smoke. Guns kill people who do not brandish a weapon. Having fat on your body is just having fat on your body.

Is it the best choice for the longevity of your body to eat processed foods every day and never exercise at all? No. But neither is it anyone else’s mother fucking business.

I cannot explain the concept of eating a salad in public and feeling embarrassed because you think people are judging you for eating. Period. The terror of going to the gym and being too scared to ask for help because someone is going to take a picture of you and laugh behind your back.

Seeing someone who looks like you, not giving two shits about what people think of them, and knowing there are people in the world who are not okay with you having a role model.

Why should ANYONE be ashamed of how they look?

I am really glad that James Corden saw an opportunity to talk about an issue that is close to him and NEEDS to be addressed and I wish he had covered it a little better. But the one who really needs to be shamed is Bill Maher and the ones who think that “tough love” and bullying are in any way welcome.

I will leave you with Corden’s closing remark: “While you’re encouraging people to think about what goes into their mouths, just think a little harder about what’s coming out of yours.”

#about me #fat shaming #fat #plus size #obesity #james corden #bill maher #I'm a little upset #sorry about all the swearing

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claydoeee · 5 years ago

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Damaged.

Sitting on my flight with a brutal black eye and some hours to spare on New Years Eve, the bittersweet feeling of another year passing sits with me and I couldn’t be more thankful. 2019 was arguably the worst year of my life and I failed myself in more than one way. People always asked me why’d I stay after the first time? Why did I let someone hurt me countless times and continue to do so? I don’t have an answer, I loved this man with my entire heart and I prayed on my knees every night that he loved me enough to change, but he never did. As far as 2019 went, I had many accomplishments this year but nothing can compare to the heartache I caused myself and the relationships I lost because I chose someone who never chose me.

Here’s to you,

I never been in love before until I met you. I was so in love with you, I could never deny that. I felt a way I never felt before in my life with you and nobody could have told me otherwise. You were my other half, the large piece of my heart, my person. You swore you were in love with me but had a really funny way of showing it. Do you remember that? The night I met you and we were inseparable ever since? All the laughs, the memories, and the platonic relationship we created, that I wish we didn’t. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was so blinded by all your “I love yous.” Or maybe just the idea of you. Or just the idea of love. I honestly don’t know anymore. I had a void in my heart that you filled for a long time...until you didn’t. My mind is so cloudy when I look back on that strenuous period of you in my life. Turning a blind eye to all the red flags and believing every lie you filled my head with was the foundation we were built on. Everything was great and I truly believed I met my match made in heaven (or hell I should really say). It wasn’t until I was living a day-to-day nightmare in fear, sadness, and feeling absolutely worthless. You filled my head with negative thoughts that I actually began to believe and hate myself. The happy go-lucky girl you first met was gone. My happiness, my dignity, my self esteem, and my mental health, all gone. I won’t blame you for that, I had a choice. I had a choice to leave and so did you, but we never did.

I seem insane, don’t I? That’s what you told me and everyone, anyway. For the longest time, you would call me insane, a cunt, unstable, and your favorite, “psycho.” I began to think you forgot my actual name. But I was only these names when I wasn’t beneficial to you at the moment or you “snapped.” Of course you always came back with your meaningless apologies and empty promises, until it happened again.

All of those terrifying nights when your alcohol consumption got in the way of your logic and judgement, and somehow, I ALWAYS deserved it. (Same man who made fun of me being raped after I shared that with him in 100% confidence) to give you a better perspective. In your demonic eyes, you truly believed that I deserved every hit, every punch, and every bruise you left on my body. The body I shared my insecurities with you about, the body you kissed up and down every day and night, and the same body that begged you to stop mutilating it. After the fact, it was always “you made me this way, you made me hurt you.” The night before thanksgiving, you gave me a contusion on my head from repeatedly hitting me over and over and over again. I went to the doctor to get my head checked out instead of redneck breakfast and you said I’m “dramatic.” I didn’t enjoy my thanksgiving because I was in so much pain and had a migraine but you carried on with yours.

You called me crazy to the girls you betrayed me with. The ones you reached out to when you missed my warm body beside yours. The ones when your nights were filled with loneliness instead of my laughter, and when your texts to me went unanswered. Staying at random places with girls who could never compare to me, just to tell me about it days or months later to hurt me. It was easier that way, wasn’t it? To call me insane or mentally unstable as justification for everything you chose to do. I get it though, It’s easier to place the blame on someone else than take personality responsibility which you specialize in.

So before I finally say all of the things I’ve wanted to say to you and to everyone you lied on my name to, I need to admit: I wasn’t perfect either. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I lied and hid certain things (that you ended up “exposing” on social media) and I paid for my mistakes. I told you want you wanted to hear instead of what I truly felt to avoid arguments or fear you would harm me again. I didn’t trust you like you didn’t trust me, and from the start I knew that it wouldn’t work for obvious reasons. But I still loved the idea of it. I loved the idea of you. Or the idea of everything you could potentially be to me.

So I ignored the panic in my heart, I ignored the bruises you left on my body, I ignored the way my friends’ voices filled with hatred whenever they’d say your name, and I ignored the pit in my stomach and all the anxiety attacks I suffered as a result of your abuse. I ignored every red flag you waved infront of me and gave you the power to control my emotions and dictate so much in my life.

The way you got jealous, the way you kept so much a secret, the way you always did things out of spite, and the way your eyes would glaze over when you drank too much. The way you would look at me, through me, when the drinking took control. Or how about the way you would embarrass me in public with your animalistic behavior? How you never claimed me? Or how I would be scared to come home with you and what you did to me behind closed doors. A ticking time bomb is what you were. You were angry that everyone found out you were beating me and felt embarrassed instead of feeling remorseful for beating a woman.

You brought up my past on a daily basis and you would say unimaginably horrible things to me, and mock me as I cried infront of you repeating “you don’t like that do you.” And then the way you would half ass apologize hours later just so you could start the cycle over. The way you promised and swore on your children that you would change and would NEVER physically hurt me again (which you did, 5 times after that “promise” was made). I met your kids the day we all went to lunch together, and I remember smiling and holding your 5 month old thinking how could you physically abuse me when you have two daughters? You wouldn’t want that to happen to them. So why was it always so easy for you to do to me? It’s mind boggling. But, I forgave you. Every. Single. Time.

However, I stopped forgiving. I stopped giving in. You almost had to blind me to make me finally leave. Pathetic right? I should’ve left after the first time you physically harmed me in April. But that didn’t stop you. Did it? You still tried to contact me to the point of using several different false phone numbers, social media, and emails. When you were alone you’d text me saying you missed me, you still loved me, and you wanted me back and anything else along those lines. And at night when you’re out at the bar with your so-called “friends”? The other TRUE side of you came out saying hurtful and cruel words filled with anger from all the alcohol and steroids in your system. Not to mention you’d end up going home with someone, lying to me about it, and then kissing my ass begging for my forgiveness. It’s sickening.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope you find someone who makes you happy because I am happy now. Happy that you left me alone, and happy that maybe, you would stop hurting other people, including yourself. But unfortunately, we’re all replaceable to you. The girl before me, the one after, and the one after that. We’re all the same to you. Insane and cunts when you’re drunk at night, and “amazing women who were the best I ever had” in the sober reality of the following morning. But the thing is, you didn’t hate any of us. How could you? The hell you made us live, the deceit, the lies, and the scars you created. You hated yourself, that was the problem all along and I only wish I would have realized that sooner.

I hate looking back on the time we spent together. Trust me, I don’t do it often anymore. But when I do, it’s almost like it happened to someone else. How could I have been so weak? So easily manipulated by you? How dare someone say the things you said to me or be told to go slit my wrists and do everyone a favor and kill myself? I let those demeaning phrases take hold of me. I let them convince me that I was everything you told me I was. But you still reminded me how much you loved me.

Getting away from you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally needed to say it all. To say everything you did to me. Everything you changed in me. Everything you made me realize. Thanks to you, I learned what a true man is and it’s everything you’re NOT. A true man would never call me names, he would never make me feel bad about my past, And he would never hurt me, when his job is to protect me. I hope you get the help you need. Because no matter how very much I despise you, no one deserves to feel that much pain and anger inside of them. No one should be miserable enough that their goal in a partnership is making the other person feel bad about themselves. But that was what you wanted, wasn’t it? That was your goal. Thank you for making me a stronger person. For making me realize what should be valued in a life and a relationship. As you lose relationship after relationship, I hope you decide to change. I always stood in your corner and was your biggest fan in every situation, even when you were wrong, I still stood behind you. You were my best friend. But I stopped letting you run and ruin my life. Of all the things I’ve done in my time on Earth, that’s one that I’m most proud of. That I got out. That I got away, and that you’ll never have the chance to hurt me again.

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freyjaxshieldxmaiden-blog · 5 years ago

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Speak Up

One of the best pieces of advice i received when I was hospitalized, that my godparents Shared with me is this “living soberly often isn’t “fun” or the fun you’re used to...it can feel boring and in fact it can be because without the chaos that alcohol can often induce life can then at times feel almost too calm and unexciting because, well let’s be honest at least I can speak for myself alcohol definitely makes things interesting to say the least because then I’m more outgoing and impulsive so yea i make things “interesting” because you never know who you get with me, typically the borderline comes out even more aggressively and without abandon and honestly its not cute...so back to my godparents advice... Nicole it can feel boring but your life itself will be more satisfying, fulfilling and memorable at the end of it all if lived sober. It may not be the exact excitement you yearn for? But it will be worth it as you make of it what you will.

I’ll try and keep this short. I like to look at and analyze myself to get a better understanding of who i am and why i do what i do in order to become ashes and rebuild myself from there and continue to grow and learn and evolve so I can experience life to the fullest and hopefully help others along the way. I’ve always identified as an addict i truly believe most it not all are whether it’s starving ourselves, addiction to the scale to social media to shopping to the gym to selfies to camping to riding bikes ... and addiction doesn’t have to be “bad” although we have attributed to it a negative connotation.. the word or label itself isn’t bad in and of itself society has demonized the word through the experience of others... i digress... point is we all have something “good” or “bad” (which i don’t agree with these terms) as deemed by society that we cling to and might even obsess over and fill our life with to create a purpose or establish some sense of control and often to numb with so that life feels a little less scary.. it never sat well with me that in AA meetings an individual who solely drinks is an “alcoholic” but the guy next to him is an “addict” because he drinks and chooses crack... THEY ARE ONE IN THE SAME... it is just more societally acceptable to be a “functioning alcoholic” than an “addict” (as defined by society) because of the stigma that’s been created by humans... because alcohol is legal??? It is a leading cause of depression and suicide and fills our hospital with mentally and physically ill people. Those with eating disorders are addicts too.. addicted to the starving to the counting calories all the nuanced behavior but it is often glamorized at least anorexia is so it’s less embarrassing to speak openly about an ED than to admit to obsessively and compulsively drinking and using because “those people” are degenerates at least that’s commonly how “addicts” or those who use “illegal” drugs are viewed in today’s society. So a person with bulimia and a compulsion to over excercise and cut is more worthy of getting resources for recovery than a person who picks up every night ? Both individuals are numbing both are in pain, both are escaping trauma and silently begging for help internally... but we shoo the “addict” away. I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder ? You think i asked to spend more than half my life now just holding on enough to stay alive ? Yes the addict chose to buy the drug yes the ED client chose to buy the food to binge on but these people did not ask for the obsessiveness and compulsion to do this? It is just how life and genetics and their environment and time period and culture played out such that their “addiction” inevitably manifested itself.

I thought finding recovery from anorexia would be the hardest obstacle I’d ever fight in my life.... and when it was over life would be ok... then she met her best friends binging and bulimia via exercise .. game changer... now the war got a little more complicated. So i managed to survive anorexia well hell yea I can take on these other armies...unbeknownst to myself these ladies had a secret weapon I was not expecting nor prepared for... depression and he... he was a whole other demon. I fell down in that battle for what felt like an eternity I wouldn’t say he was a harder fight than just the EDs but... i was used to those enemies.. they were familiar I was used to their tactics and their strategy in the battlefield... depression was a curveball and crippled me for awhile as it’s strongest fighter, suicide, pinned me down in the soil for what feel like ages... Funny thing is the ED troops began to retreat as depression stormed the field.. those soldiers just weren’t necessary anymore and I had slain most of them prior to.. and then... oh and then... plot twist... i called on my own secret weapon or what I believed to be my backup... alcohol ...and I squirmed out from under the grips of depression and suicide and the remaining eating disorder men stumbled back and quickly found hiding in the depths of the forest... i could breathe again... i looked down at myself breathing heavily, bloodied and scarred but I was alive when moments before I didn’t think I would be. I trusted alcohol as i once trusted Ed who eventually deceived me... or so I though i could... Alcohol wouldn’t do that to me? He showed up for me and saved me from the grasps of ED and suicide!?! Haha... how foolish.. I’ve realized for awhile now as I’m sure others have, that in which I don’t speak openly about... that the reason my back has been bothering me so much lately and I’m tired all the time is that in the “calmness” that followed me slithering out of the grasps of suicide, at least temporarily, (because i never actually killed him...he escaped.. that coward..) an entire other war was waged... alcohol had betrayed me and used the very sword it wielded to slay the ED soldiers to stab me right in the back... I’ve been walking with that blindly for awhile now... yah know I knew it the moment she touched my lips on the battle field... i just refused to acknowledge the blood pooling by my feet. And the true war lord BPD has watched this whole time... without me ever aware until now.. she sits on her thrown mockingly.. she having directed the troops and directing the officers battle after battle...

It’s been a goal of mine for awhile to live completely and absolutely soberly for a few years now.. it’s been a long time coming... I’ve been in this stage of recognition where I know what has to be done but not actually committing to the change... i never speak about this part of my journey but I was told by a very good therapist once “secrets make you sick” and I’m tired of being secret and hiding out of fear of rejection and judgement of others... well if I’m going to live the life i want so badly and inspire others as I so desperately want to.. then it is time to commit. I am to most the face of an eating disorder and more recently BPD and to some maybe more than I think I’m the face of a person who has been vehemently fighting alcoholism since I started working at Tisane. It has been almost 5 years and 5 years too many. Nowadays by definition most people who drink are considered alcoholics but it’s “ok” and someone isn’t identified as one because they are “functioning” still quite well and holding down a job. Yea I finished my bachelors education magna cum laude started a masters program continued to work full time, lived on my own for awhile and appeared to be doing fine all the while drinkibg myself until I was absolutely numb and the eating disorder and depression shut the hell up. And yah know I am grateful for alcoholism in part because it did help save me from ED it gave me a break from that war so that i could gain the strength to maintain recovery and successfully hold off those troops... but he’s had his time and i now feel in my bones the strength and determination to remove this sword from my back and attend to my wounds .. not just slap a bandaid on but really have it tended to.. I’m ready for this next battle to be very difficult and also different from the previous ones but now It know i am stronger, more resourceful, and this time I’m not on the battlefield alone ... sword and shield in hand... let the fight begin. Cheers to sobriety. Thanks for reading if you make it all the way to the end... i appreciate your willingness to take the time to hear my journey.

#recovery #eating desorders #mental health #addiction #alcoholism

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