#I feel like so mentally terrible but I think if I wasn't in therapy I would be much worse

[spaciebabie]

dawg I just had the craziest realization about myself THERAPY IS WORKING!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!

[fizzing-imagines]

I totally understand you I have been dealing with my depression this is and isn't good.

I hope you feel better soon.

I have few ideas for Eddie, feel free to ignore, and please don't put pressure on yourself to write your mental health is more important.

• Maybe they are best friends and ended up sleeping together and the reader got pregnant

• Or maybe Eddie is dating Dustin's older sister, and she got pregnant.

Like I said feel free to ignore.

And take care of yourself ❤️ you're a amazing person 😘

Teen Pregnancy Series | Eddie Munson x Henderson! Reader

Notes: This took me a bit longer than expected, but your request helped a lot! I combined them a bit, I hope you enjoy!

Words: 4.4k

Warnings: Swearing, mention of abortion, some medical stuff at the end but no blood, pregnancy

"Dustin, get out!", you screamed as your brother burst through the bathroom door. This wouldn't have been this terrible if it wasn't for one crucial fact;

The pregnancy test in your hand.

"(Y/N), what the fuck are you doing?!", he yelled back as you shoved him out and slammed the door shut. "Shut up!", you yelled through the door as he kept knocking. After locking the door, you finally got to take a good look at the test result: Positive. Fuck.

"(Y/N), please, I really need to pee! I won't tell mom!" The test slipped in the pocket of your sweatpants before opening the door and rushing into your room. As you sat on the bed and starred at the two lines, tears started streaming down your face. How could this happen? You were always careful.

And the worst part is, Eddie is the father. Your brothers role model.

The friendship between Eddie and you was no less than extremely physical. Every time you two hung out, which must've been at least three times a week, you two ended up sleeping together.

And how would you tell him? Eddie was your friend, he was been since you were a freshman and he was a sophomore, and you knew that he tends to freak out easily.

But the very worst part was that you started developing feelings for him a few months ago. Sleeping with him didn't exactly help with that, but you'd rather keep it as it is than loose him completely.

"(Y/N)?", your little brother said from behind your door. "Go away.", you replied while trying to cover your shaky voice. It didn't work. "(Y/N), come on. I know what's going on, you know I'm smart." And of course Dustin wouldn't back down either. With a sigh, you got up and opened the door to your room. "What?", you asked. Your brother walked in without asking and sat down on your bed. "Dustin, this isn't a therapy session, I'm just really-"

"Pregnant?", he said to finish your sentence. "I know what that looks like, don't try to lie." Why would he know that? "Are you okay?"

You closed the bedroom door and sat down next to him. "I'll be fine, Dusty. Don't worry." He picked up the pregnancy test from where you left it and looked at it again. "Are you keeping it?", Dustin continued. "Jesus, you always ask so many question.", you groaned as you laid down on your back. Your little brother did the same, so now both of you were watching your slightly flickering lamp.

"You know who's the dad?", he asked again after a bit. However, you remained quiet. "(Y/N), this is your brother. Who's the father, do you copy?", Dustin continued. "Dustin, this is your older sister. It doesn't matter, over.", you finally replied, to which he groaned and rolled onto his stomach. "Do you not know?!", your brother asked dramatically. "Do you really think that low of me?", you asked. "I know, but it's none of your business."

"I'm that babies uncle, I think it's all of my business."

"Dustin, get out.", you said in a stern tone. He knew better than to keep asking, so he got up and left.

"Love you, (Y/N).", your little brother said before leaving the room.

"Love you, too, Dustin.", you replied.

"With Eddie Munson!? What were you thinking!?", your mother yelled at you. Now that you had a sonogram and knew how far along you were the conversation with your mum was inevitable at this point. "It's not like I planned it...", you mumbled under tears. "Damn right you didn't! How can such a smart girl make such a dumb mistake!?", she continued screaming. Neither of you knew that Dustin was listening from the top of the stairwell. "Mom, please stop...", you whimpered, still crying. Eddie still didn't know about the life growing inside you, and you honestly didn't want to. How would he react? He's been held back twice and sells drugs for extra money. As much as you didn't want to admit it, he isn't exactly father material. "Do you really expect him to be a good and reliable father?", she asked. While her tone was still loud, at least the screaming stopped. "I don't know..." Your mother sat down next to you while you replied in a mumbled tone. "Well, when you get an abortion, I don't mind paying part of it.", she said. You looked at her with a look of disbelief. "When I get an abortion?", you asked.

"Do you actually want to keep it?", she asked.

"Yes mom, I'm keeping it."

As she took a breath in to reply, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it.", you mumbled while getting up and walking away from the kitchen table. Behind the door stood Eddie with a slightly worried look. "Hey.", he said. "Your, uh, coworker said you're sick so I got you ginger ale." Eddie handed you the white plastic bag he held in his hand. "Thanks.", you replied with a small smile as you took the bag from his hand.

"Is that Eddie?", your mother asked as she walked up from behind. "Mom, not now.", you said while looking over your shoulder. "Oh no, by all means. I'd really like some answers!" She huddled him in, while he just looked confused. "Mom, stop-", you continued, but she didn't stop. "How do you plan on caring for a child?!" was the only thing she said before you finally raised your voice. "I haven't told him!", you yelled at your mom. The whole room fell silent, with Eddie looking back and forth between you and your mother. You could clearly see how he pieced together the two sentences that have just been said.

"You're pregnant?", he finally asked. You nodded reluctantly. Finally, your mother read the room and left you two alone.

"I'm at four weeks.", you told him. The silence in the room was oddly loud as both of you just looked at each other.

"So...what are you gonna do?", he finally asked. Your hand went on your stomach instinctively, which was what confirmed your initial decision. "I'm keeping it. And there's nothing that can make me change my mind." A small smile played on his lips before he took your free hand in his. "Good. There's...nobody I'd rather have an unplanned child with." You raised an eyebrow at his words. "One might say you're flirting with me, Mr. Munson." He laughed a bit at your words. "Maybe I am.", he replied.

"Come on, let's talk upstairs.", you said as you walked him in. Truth be told, this was the first time you had him in your room. "Leave the door open!", your mother yelled from the living room.

"He can't get me double-pregnant!", you yelled back.

"I think it's a boy.", you said while braiding small strands of Eddies hair. He had his head on your chest and one hand on your stomach while both of you laid in your bed. It made you wonder; friends don't lay together like this. Not even if they have benefits. "You know I won't care what it is, but I really want a girl." You smiled a bit at his wish while imagining him with a little mini-him. Eddie moved his head so he was looking up at you, with which he ruined the tiny braid you were working on. "I haven't asked you to...well, uh..." You smiled, hoping he was going to ask you what you so desperately wanted to hear. "You put a baby in me, I don't think there's any uncomfortable questions." He laughed a bit before sitting upright, and you did the same. Luckily, there was barely a bump yet that could get in your way. "Well, I really like spending time with you. A lot, actually. And I had feelings for you for a while before, well, all this." A small laugh left your mouth. "I'm not good at this, don't laugh!", Eddie complained.

"I'm laughing because I feel the same and didn't know how to tell you.", you admitted. Now he smiled while pulling you into a hug. "Good. Because anything else would've made this awkward." You snuggled into his chest, listening to his racing heartbeat. His body was so warm, so comforting that you can see yourself like this every night for the rest of your life. "I got a 2-in-1 deal then, huh?", you joked after a bit while looking up. Eddie, however, looked a bit confused. "A boyfriend and a baby at the same time.", you added. A stiffled laugh left his mouth. "You're corny, (Y/N).", he said while laying back again with you in his arms.

"It's only getting worse from here.", you replied.

"So, everything looks fine for 12 weeks.", your OBGYN said as she looked at the ultrasound. Eddie was sitting next to you, closely looking at the screen that showed your baby. "Oh...wait...", she then said. Both you and Eddie shared a look before you spoke up: "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, but it looks like there's two babies."

Your eyes went wide while trying to see another baby on the screen. But there it was, very visible next to their sibling. "We're having twins?", Eddie asked, just to be sure. "Yes, I can definetly tell you that. See, there's baby one." She pointed at the first baby. "And there's baby two." Then at the other.

Both if you were quiet until you got into his van. But your boyfriend kept looking at the sonogram he held tightly between two fingers. "Twins, huh.", he finally said after shutting the cardoor behind him. "That's a curveball." You looked over at him with a worried look, but he was grinning. "Two babies at the same time, with my girlfriend? That's more than I could've ever asked for." The grin on his face was wide, more than you ever expected. Your hand found his, but his gaze never left the sonogram. "What if you get your boy and I get my girl?" You leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I bet we will."

"If we have a girl, can we name her Lizzie?" He finally looked at you with sparkling eyes. "Why Lizzie?", you asked. It was then that Eddie realized that he never really told you about his family or his upbringing. "My mother, well...her name was Elizabeth. My father always called her Liz. I'll tell you more when we're home, but I thought maybe Lizzie would be a good name to memorise her." You ran your thumb over the back of his hand while listening to his explanation.

"Lizzie is a beautiful name.", you said. "Maybe, if we have a boy, we can name him Wayne?"

Eddie leaned over to kiss you. "You're even more perfect than I could've ever imagined."

"Steve, really, I can handle it.", you said while carrying three movies in your hands. Ever since your coworker Steve found out that you were pregnant, he was extremely careful around you. "Tell me if you need help.", he said watching you walk around the aisles of the video store. "I even got a little shelf to hold them, don't worry." In an attempt to make him laugh, you balanced the boxes on your 22-week pregnancy belly. "Now that's an advantage.", Robin commented with a laugh. She leaned against the shelf right next to you. "So, you got the genders yet?"

"Not yet. They just won't lay right." She laughed a bit at your words. "Still can't believe you're gonna be a mom.", Robin said with a small smile. The moment was ruined with Steve starting to talk. "And with Eddie Munson out of all people." Both you and Robin looked over at him from behind the shelves. "Choose your next words wisely, he's still my boyfriend." You put away the last VHS box before walking back to the counter. While you logged the movies in the computer as returned, Steve stood next to you. "I'm just saying, it's a bit surprising." Robin joined the both of you behind the counter while pulling up a stool for you to sit on. You thanked her before sitting down. "I think Steve is hitting on you.", she joked with her signature grin. He put his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow. "Why would date someone who's pregnant?"

"So you wouldn't date moms?", you teased.

"What? No, I mean- You're in a relationship and pregnant, that's immoral."

"I think he doesn't want to date moms.", Robin whispered to you.

"I would date moms, just not (Y/N).", Steve continued to defend himself. Robin and you shared a look, knowing that he fell for your teasing again. "You're messing with me again, aren't you?" Robin and you started laughing at his realisation. He scoffed before going into the back, presumable to get more returned movies, while you kept typing on the computer.

You looked up once you heard the bell from the entrance door ring, which meant a customer walked in. Said customer was your boyfriend Eddie. "Hey there.", you said with a grin before kissing him on the lips. "How's my favourite girl?", he asked with a grin. "Better now.", you replied while walking around the counter. "Schools already over?"

"Yeah, the last two classes were cancelled because they couldn't find a sub. I was gonna ask you if we wanna have a movie night later so I can buy food for us." A wide grin spread on your face at his suggestion. "I'd like that very much. What movie?" Your boyfriend said his thoughts out loud. "You don't really like horror right now, so maybe we can agree on Scarface?" Robin walked up behind him to grab the movies Steve brought back out. "Isn't the first rule of having a pregnant girlfriend to do anything she wants?", she commented while walking by. Eddie looked at her a bit dumbfounded before looking back at you. "Lucky you, I like Scarface so it's fine." Your boyfriend held you by your hips while pulling you closer, although the bump was getting in the way. "Read my mind, didn't you?", he said with a grin. As he leaned in for a kiss, you could feel one of the babies kicking. They started doing that this week, and it was honestly still a bit weird. At the same time, you loved to feel the little lives growing inside of you. And when Eddie was close to you like this, he could feel them too. "I'm just glad they stopped kicking my bladder. Although their sibling might be planning that right now." Both of you laughed a bit before Eddie leaned in for another kiss. "Are they kicking?", Robin interrupted excitedly. You and your boyfriend broke the kiss to look at her. "You promised I could touch your belly if they do!", your friend and coworker continued. With a raised eyebrow, Eddie looked over at you. "I did promise that.", you confirmed before turning sideways from your boyfriend. There was a childlike look on Robins face when she felt the babies kick against your stomach. Meanwhile, Eddie watched the smile grow on your face, and he realized how lucky he was to have you. The pregnancy was everything else but planned, yet he has never felt as happy as he did now.

"With any luck, we'll find our the genders in two weeks.", you said, which pulled Eddie out of his train of thoughts. "Dustin keeps bugging me about it, more than them." You gave a small nod in the direction of Steve and Robin.

"Did they tell you?", Dustin immediately asked as you walked through the front door. He came out of nowhere and scared you a bit. "Fuckin' hell Dustin, you'll get me into early labour like that.", you said. Eddie was trotting behind you with an idiotic grin on his face. That's all Dustin needed to see to know that you finally found out. "Sorry.", he still said in a truly regretful tone. Dustin even helped you get out of your jacket and took your bag from you. "Alright. We're having one boy and one girl." The look of excitement on his face was unmatched. Barely anything ever made him as happy as what you just told him. "And in an added plottwist, you can go and look for something in my bag." He was still grinning like an idiot while looking through your bag. Between papers from your doctor, your sunglasses and lip balm, he found a trucker cap that read 'Favorite Uncle'. "No way!", he said loudly with a wide grin. "(Y/N), no way!", he continued. "Yes way, Dustin.", you said before he jumped into your arms for a big hug. "We know you'll be a great uncle." He was still grinning like a cheshire cat by the time he let you go and immediately switch the cap currently on his head for the new one.

The next few months were an absolute dream. Eddie was attentive and took the best care of you, despite still being in school. His grades got better, and as far as you knew he stopped dealing. While the living situation with a baby would be hard at your moms with Eddie there too, it didn't matter that much. He promised to get a job as soon as he graduated.

However, it all came crumbling down when the police knocked at your door one morning. "(Y/N) Henderson?", the officer asked. "That's me. Did something happen?" You saw what was going on in Hawkins on the TV just half an hour ago, and it made you worry. Dustin left right after, so your first thought was that something happened to him. "May we come in? It would be best to sit down for this." You let the two officers in and walked behind them, although even walking was hard for you now. The twins were at 35 weeks now, and you were about ready to pop any day. The three of you sat down at the dinner table while you felt the anxiety raise in you. "What's going on?", you asked them while trying to find a comfortable sitting position. "Your boyfriend is Edward Munson, correct?", the officer started. This made a cold shiver run down your spine. "Yeah, he is. Did something happen to him?"

"He is our main suspect in a murder case.", he simply stated. Unexpectedly, you started laughing. "Wow, that's just...that's peak comedy.", you said under laughter. "Eddie wouldn't hurt a fly, even though he acts like it." But neither one of the officers laughed, or even seemed to appreciate your laughter. "This isn't a joke, Ms. Henderson. We're currently looking for him and need you to tell us his location." This was actually unbelievable to you. "I don't know where he is. He told me he'll go to his uncles after school, and then never came back. I can't tell you more." They were quiet for a bit before speaking again. "Unfortunately, we have reason to believe what you could be possibly hiding him so we'll have to search your house." Once again, you laughed. "This isn't my house, it's my mother's. And I'm not letting you search anything without a warrant." They knew that it was no use to continue talking to you right now, so they left eventually. You still couldn't believe that Eddie was actually the main suspect in a murder case. He would never hurt anyone, especially not now that you could be giving birth any day.

Who else could know where he was?

"Oh god, Eddie!", you said as you fell into his arms. He was fine, but far away from safe. "Are you okay? And the babies?", he asked you while hugging you back. Usually, he was carefully since it was the end of your pregnancy. But right now he held onto you like you were his lifeline. "We're okay. Just scared." Your hands cupped his face before finally kissing him. Now, more than ever, it felt like home. "I swear, I didn't do anything, I promise.", Eddie said, close to tears. Your thumbs ran across his cheeks in an attempt to comfort him. "I know. We'll figure this out, you'll come home and then we can have the happy family we wanted. Okay?" He nodded at your words before hugging you again.

"How many fucking times, he wouldn't do that!", you yelled towards the other parents, including your own mother, while they argued about where the kids could be. "I know this is hard to believe in your circumstances, but-" You scoffed at your mother's words. "My circumstances? Really?", you said in a mocking tone. "I'm carrying your grandkids and you call that a circumstance. Mother of the fucking year." You leaned back on the couch you were sitting on while crossing your arms in front of your chest. "Is everyone here actually dumb enough to not realise how easy it is to break into someones trailer? It could've been anyone!" Most gave you a look of pity, possibly because they thought you were just a pregnant girl who didn't want to admit to her baby daddy's mistakes. "Honey, I get that you're upset but all signs are pointing to him. And now your brother is missing, too." You rolled your eyes already when Mrs. Wheeler called you Honey. "All of you are judgy assholes.", you said while getting up and wanting to leave. As you were grabbing your bag in the hallway, water trickled down your legs. "Oh no. No, no, no.", you said while looking down. Your water undoubtedly broke. "Mom!" She came into the hallway quickly, seeing the state you were in she didn't even need to ask questions. "I'll drive you to the hospital, come on.", she said. Mrs. Sinclair helped you get outside into your mother's car while she was looking for her keys in a hurry. "You'll be fine, it's gonna be okay.", she said in an attempt to calm you down.

You were going into labour, your brother was missing and your boyfriend was wanted for murder.

For weeks, you and your babies have sat besides Eddie's hospital bed. He was greatly injured during the earthquake and barely made it, causing him to fall into a coma. Nobody could tell you when or if he'd ever wake up from it, so there was nothing you could do besides staying by his side. Your twins, Lizzy and Wayne, were extremely calm when the three of you sat beside him. Whenever you were home with them, they couldn't stop crying. It's like they knew their father wasn't with them. "Please wake up...", you whispered while holding his hand. It was horrific to see him connected to so many tubes and machines. At least the police stopped claiming him as a suspect, since the kids said he wasn't there when they found the two other corpses. You don't know if they lied or not, but that really didn't matter right now. On a good note, your house wasn't destroyed during the earthquake. If anything, you could give your kids a roof over their head.

Weeks passed. The twins were eight weeks old when you got a call one morning. Eddie woke up again. Immediately, you packed up the twins and drove to the hospital. They kept crying until the very moment you opened the door to Eddies hospital room. He slowly turned his head and saw you with the stroller in front of you. His face looked sunken in, like he was awake for weeks on end. "Hey, it's (Y/N).", you said with a smile as you came in. Eddie still managed to give you a small smile. "I know my girlfriend.", he mumbled in a raspy voice. You pushed the stroller to his bed and parked it right next to him, giving him perfect view of your twins. They were the first people he took a proper look at before looking back at you. "They're perfect.", he mumbled. You smiled and pushed up a chair to sit down. "Dustin and I took many pictures for you, so you wouldn't miss anything." Lizzie was slowly waking up and opened her eyes, just to finally meet the opened eyes of her father. "Hey Liz, look who's here.", you cooed at her while picking her up. "I can feel my arms. Can I..." Without him needing to day anything further, you put her on his chest. "Don't overdo it. They're quite heavy.", you joked while watching him stroke her back with his hands. "She's a clunker.", he agreed. While he was holding your daughter, you stroked his hair carefully. "I missed you, honey.", you said in a hushed tone. He looked up at you with those eyes you missed so much. "I'm here now. I won't leave you like that again."

"Yeah, you better.", you giggled

"Why do they have to be so much like you?", you complained while crashing into your bed. It took both of you almost an hour to just get your 3-year olds ready for bed, putting them down took almost more than that. "God, I hope the next one comes after me." Eddie chuckled and pulled you close to him, putting his hand on your 6-month baby belly. It was the perfect angle to see his wedding ring in the dim bedroom lighting. "I think you're forgetting that they're Hendersons. Look at how your brother turned out." As much as you loved your brother, you didn't need a second one at home. "I just want one quiet one at least.", you mumbled sleepily. "Then we'll just make many more.", Eddie said with a sly grin. You chuckled a bit while cuddling up to him. "I'll have as many as we can with you.", you said before a soft knock interrupted the two if you. The twins stood in the doorway. "Can we sleep here?", Wayne whispered. "Sure, get in here.", Eddie said before helping both into your bed. As hyper as they are, both were calmest while cuddling with their parents. While Lizzie laid next to his father, Wayne was cuddled up to you and fell asleep again rather quickly. Lizzie snorred soon after as well.

"We have great kids.", Eddie said after a while. You hummed in agreement.

"They're pretty amazing."

[lightyakami]

@deathnotably hello sorry this took me seven days to write BUT this is in fact perfect bc i think about light and his horse every single day of my life. thank you!!!! <3 <3 <3

Light had not been especially excited about the program. There was something about it that felt juvenile — horses, he felt, were for children. Or at least horses which were supposed to make you feel better about yourself were. 

He wasn’t sure what horse therapy would even entail. He wasn't even convinced that there was anything about him which required fixing. The world is a terrible place, a kingdom of rot. He acknowledges it as such, and that makes him feel bad. Frankly, he thinks it’s other people who have a problem which needs to be resolved. If he wants to spent the rest of his life in bed, not eating or sleeping or speaking to a single person, then that’s his prerogative. It is, he thinks, a perfectly reasonable reaction to the state of the universe. 

Still. When Sayu had insisted, he went. He supposed that if he didn’t have any particular opinion on what happened to him he might as well take into account his sister’s.

And so here he is, standing in the dark of the stables, looking up at a massive black animal. It is inside its stall, but its neck and head arc outwards, watching him. It has big black eyes and breath that rises white in the cold. There are other horses in the stables, but he likes this one best because it had looked at him the second he walked in and followed him with its eyes. 

The rest of the people in the program are side the barn, huddled together by the door. He’d slipped past because he hadn’t wanted to wait with them for the clinician. Some of them had looked incredibly ill. Mentally, not physically; they had seemed miserable. He doesn’t like thinking of himself in the same category as ill people. He's only here for Sayu. It doesn't count.

He holds his hand towards the hose. It’s bigger than he had imagined possible. He’s tall, but the horse has a bulk to it that he hadn’t expected. In photographs they always look so delicate. 

It smells like an animal — acrid, earthy, not entirely unpleasant but alarming nonetheless. 

Its nostrils flare. He pulls back, and then, gathering his courage, places two fingers on its neck.

Nothing happens. 

He is not healed. He does not feel okay. There is only the warm flank of an animal beneath his hand, heavy muscles and more soft fat than he’d expected. It is faintly damp.

The horse flicks its ears and then its tail, then turns its head towards him and then past him. It is so large that the movement pushes his hand with it; he pulls it away, something twisting heavy in his stomach. 

It doesn’t make sense to feel devastated by something that he hadn’t thought would work. He swallows against a heaviness in his throat, then pulls his arms tight across his chest. Clearly the experiment has failed. He might as well turn and leave now.

“They aren’t magic.” 

He spins, then startles.

There’s a man hunched beside him, standing far too close. Light has no idea how he'd gotten there so quick, or without Light's notice.

He’s got long dark hair and eyes as black as the horse’s. He is wearing jeans and a white sweater that looks too thin for the cold. 

The man blinks at him, then goes on. 

“I’m not psychic,” he informs Light, who hadn't been thinking anything of the sort. “It’s just a bit obvious.” Something must cross Light’s face, because the man pauses, then goes on. “And there isn’t anything wrong with that. Of course. We’re all connected, and so on.”

There’s something vaguely condescending in his tone, but it’s not without compassion. Light can’t decide if he prefers that. If the man had been just a bit ruder, Light could simply have told him to fuck off.

“What are you talking about,” Light says, as flatly as he can manage. 

The man jerks his head towards the horse. “They don’t generate happiness. It’s not a Hallmark movie.” 

"I don’t —" Light isn’t sure what to say about any of this. “I’m going home.” 

“That’s fine. Would you like to feed her first, though? I’m L, by the way. Now we aren't strangers anymore."

Before Light can point out that he’s slightly past horse-feeding age, the man — L —  pulls a ziplock back out of his pocket and holds it out for Light. For one wild moment, Light thinks it’s full of meatballs, but when he reaches for it — more out of confusion than anything else — he discovers that they’re actually little balls of dark sugar oats. “Molasses cookies,” L says. “You can give one to her. Don’t — ah, not like that.” Light has taken one between two fingers, which seems perfectly normal to him. He considers whipping it at L instead. He had been trying to have a quiet moment of despair, and L is not only ruining that by handing him bags full of weird horse treats but also critiquing how he handles said treats. “She can’t see forward very well, so she'll bite off your fingers if you do it that way. Just lay it on your palm and hold it out.” “I don’t want to feed something that’s going to bite off my fingers,” Light says. “She won’t, if you lay it on your palm. Go on. You’ll like it.” The whole world feels so clouded and pointless and stupid that he figures he might as well do this one extra clouded and pointless and stupid thing; these days, that's how he operates most of his life. He drops the cookie onto his palm.

It’s very moist. He wonders how it would taste. He’d skipped breakfast. He holds his hand out for the horse. She leans down, as if this were a routine she was used to and he had been invented just to facilitate it. 

For a second his stomach swoops with terror as he head drops towards him — he can see her teeth, which are dull but massive, and can't help but imagine the thinness of his bones -- but then her nose touches his palm and the world goes suddenly quiet. 

It is the softest thing he’s ever felt, and she is the biggest living thing he has ever been near, and she’s eating right from his palm. 

He looks at her, entranced. It’s sort of disgusting, actually. His palm is getting wet. He can feel her tongue all over it. Still, when she pulls her hand away and flicks her ears he reaches into the ziplock bag and pulls out another. 

He is aware, distantly, of L walking up beside him. When the horse is finished the second, L takes the bag very gently from his hands. Light looks towards him.

He still feels very hollow. Possibly more so than before, really. It's easier when he doesn't subject himself to nice things; they leave an absence in their wake. But still the softness of the horse’s nose lingers. 

“It’s difficult,” L says, very quietly. “I know it is. It’s a lot of work, to do … all of this. To take care of oneself. And it’s not fair that we have to do it, when so many other people don’t. I wish there were some sort of magic cure and I wish they were it.”

“Who are you?” Light says. This, he realizes, is what he should have asked in the first place. “Are you an instructor? Did you follow me in?” L blinks at him. “What? No. I’m a patient. It’s just very cold outside.” Light stares at him, and L stares back. At last L puts the ziplock bag back in his pocket. “Don’t go home,” L says. “Give it a shot. One day. If you don’t absolutely hate it, I’ll give you my cookie recipe and you can make your own for her.” 

“Why do you —“ Care is what he wants to ask, but it feels almost trite. “You don’t know me.” “But I will,” L says, and smiles. It’s bright, almost childish, almost embarrassing to look at. “If you stay.” 

Light breathes out. “Okay,” he says. “Fine. Yeah. Okay. One day.”

[arcaneafterhours]

in which i try to cut the clark family some slack

did not proof read this bear with me

@womp-womp-waa gift for u

"I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong."

Jessica started therapy 4 months ago. She figured it were for the best, with how much she was working. Regular breakdowns, stress and work was really starting to get to her, and she concluded it would be counterproductive to continue to ignore her problems. Recently, however, she has come with a new issue.

See her son, Aiden, was growing increasingly distant. She supposed she should have seen it coming, with how often her and her husband were away on trips. Jessica had figured he would be fine, he had several things to do. She had made it out just fine with her parents being away, why wasn't he?

"He has plenty to do, friends to hang out with, every gaming console I could find---" She cut herself off with a sigh, bringing one hand up to cover her face. "I know I work a lot, but theres nothing I feel like I can do. I don't understand why he's so distant. Theres extracurriculars, sports, everything of the like."

She stopped again when she caught on to the fact that she had been talking without pause. It was always good to take a break every once and awhile, as she had learned the hard way. Jessica loved her son, he was so talented and smart. And yet he never seemed to be happy.

The woman before her nodded slowly to her words. "What extracurriculars does he do?" She asked, avoiding Jessica's gaze in favor of writing notes on her clipboard.

A mental list almost wrote itself in Jessica's mind. "He plays soccer, he takes violin and piano lessons. Oh! And recently he's started archery," She began, mentally counting off whatever she could. "Honors classes, chess club, the schools student council---"

"And how old is he?" "Aiden is 13."

"Doesn't that sound like a lot for a boy that age? When did he tell you he wanted to do all of this?"

Jessica took a moment to mull on that. Actually, when did he? Lots of them were originally her idea, he simply agreed to them. That was all she really took. A simple nod, a small agreeing hum. She took that and ran with it.

Her mind started to race before she could catch it. It was all for him, wasn't it? She wanted him to be successful, just like she was. She achieved it with hard work, and by taking advantage of every opportunity she got. That was all she wanted. She just wanted her boy to have a life full of potential she knows he has.

She shut her eyes.

"Am i overworking him?"

---

Jessica cried on the way home from that appointment. She cried often, but not like this. She always cried from stress, from how much she had to get done, it was all so much that she just broke down. But she got it done anyway, didn't she? This time she wasn't sure. She was the cause of her child's problems, and oh how she felt terrible. She needed to fix this.

As she drove home, a memory came to her.

She was young, perhaps a little older than her son is now. She came back to an empty home, only getting a note from her parents that they would be back at an unknown time. Her room was a mess. Thinking now, Jessica didn't know why she didn't think to clean it. Only, at the time she had just come home from a club meeting, and immediately had to get ready for her softball game.

She remembered how exhausted she felt. All the time. About absolutely everything.

And yet, she had done the exact same thing to her son.

Jessica was failing him.

---

It was nighttime. She didn't know if he was still awake. She stood outside his door. She had been for five minutes. Would he even want to see her at this point? She had barely seem him today.

One knock. Then another.

Aiden was sitting on his bed when she came in. She didn't know what he was doing. It didn't look like much. Slowly, she sat down beside him.

"How was soccer practice?" "It was fine."

He didn't sound enthusiastic at all.

Jessica took a moment to observe the boys room. It was a wreck. It ripped her heart in two.

"When is your next trip?" "We leave next Friday." She mumbled. He only nodded, looking away. Jessica took a heavy breath. She needed to fix this.

"Why don't you come with us this time?" She spoke slowly, as if addressing a frightened animal she was trying to keep from running away.

Silence filled the room.

"I can't. I have practice. And lessons. I might have club meetings too."

Jessica found herself grabbing the boys hand. It was that time he finally glanced at her. He looked exhausted.

"Forget all of that. You work so hard, you deserve a break."

He was confused. Of course he was. Jessica had always been a 'work til you drop' kind of person. And it was catching up to her now.

"I mean---"

Aiden paused.

"I don't know."

Jessica leaned down and gave him a kiss on the head. It was something she mainly did when he was little. "Think about it, okay? We would love to have you with us."

Of course, there would be the plane tickets. And the hotel rooms. And adding a level of actual tourist activities, instead of just visiting the area. Maybe they could stay for a bit longer this time, and actually enjoy their travels.

When Aiden didn't reply, Jessica stood.

Before she could leave the room, she paused in the doorway.

"Sweetie," She ended up glancing back at him. "Do you enjoy soccer? Honestly?"

Aiden stared at her.

After some heavy silence, he shook his head no.

"What about lessons?" More silent shakes of the head.

Aiden wasn't happy. And it was Jessica's fault. She was working him to the bone, and didn't even have the time to notice. She wanted to cry again.

"You don't have to go anymore, then."

That actually got something out of her son. Perhaps he perked up, or was just straightening his bad posture. Was she reading too far into this?

"Really?" "If you really don't enjoy it, you don't have to go."

Jessica's mind was screaming at her to stop. A mantra of her boy's future crumbling flooded her thoughts. If he doesn't live up to his full potential, he isn't going to have good opportunities in life. What will people say when he suddenly drops everything?

Her grip on his door handle tightened. Aiden was more important. She forced herself to stop thinking like that. Her son and his happiness was more important than anything.

She glanced at Aiden again. He seemed to relax. Like a weight slid off his shoulders in one fell swoop. And, ever so slightly, so did she.

---

Aiden wanted the window seat. Of course, Jessica got the good seats for them, so they were by no means squished. She still sat near him though, watching him as he switched from staring out the window in wonder, to playing some sort of game on his console.

She wanted to connect with him. How could she? Jessica felt lost. Was she doing the right thing for him? How could she even find an entry point to start a conversation? Her eyes drifted back into the game in his hands.

"What are you playing?"

He blinked at her, startled she even asked. "Uh, its called pokémon."

She tilted his head at him, waiting for him to elaborate. After a moment, he switched seats, coming to sit beside her. He showed her the screen, decorated in colorful pixels displaying what appeared to be two odd animal-but-not-quite-animals in what appeared to be a battle. Aiden started to ramble, telling her about types, and moves, and 'gyms'. Frankly, Jessica understood absolutely none of it.

And yet, she listened anyway. Aiden was smiling now, happily explaining every detail he could, showing her how the game worked and everything. To be honest, she had never considered videogames to be something that required strategy. Perhaps she was wrong.

Really, Jessica was wrong about a lot. But she was willing to learn.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being upset at how my former friends treated me?

tw: suicide and animal death

So for some context this was a very close knit friendgroup, for several years, of about 10 people, including me and my then partner. Also, everyone here is an adult.

Basically, one day I was in a really really bad place mentally. A beloved family pet was going to be put down soon, this dog had been a part of my life for almost half my life, and I was inconsolable and struggling to cope with this. During a discussion about some random interest I got too mean/harsh about it and it turned into an argument.

I know this was not justified and my grief wasn't an excuse, and I knew it then too and apologized to the people involved, and was met with overwhelming support, I was told "it's ok, we understand you're going through a rough thing right now, we're here to support you and you'll always have a place in this group"

Then my partner messaged me. They had not been part of the discussion at all, but they told me they felt hurt and wanted us to take a break. However, I misinterpreted that as a break up (combination of language barrier and me already being in shambles. This miscommunication is not something my ex can be blamed for)

This was an extremely serious relationship, we had been together for 2 years at that point and had a lot of future plans and such, so that on top of already grieving made me have a mental breakdown.

So, I vented on my personal tumblr. My vents did not mention/vague/allude to the situation at all, they amounted to "I feel terrible I can't do this anymore" and could very well have been only about my dog, or just about my depression in general. I also should point out that my ex doesn't use tumblr at all, so I didn't think he'd ever see those vents, and I certainly didn't want him to. And I also would not have reacted like that if I had known it was a temporary break. I know I still shouldn't have vented on a public blog, and it was hurtful no matter what. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time.

The next day, after our dog was put down, I sought support from my friends, but was suddenly met with "we're not impressed with how you've acted, get therapy, bye" and was kicked from the group. Several of them blocked me everywhere instantly.

Unbeknownst to me, someone had sent my vents to my ex and they had shown them to the others, and they'd drawn the conclusion that I was upset about a temporary break and was venting to try to guilt my ex into getting back with me. And not a single one of them brought this up to me. Again, we'd all been friends for several years at that point and this was literally the day after telling me I'd always be a part of the group and they were here for me. I couldn't even defend myself because no one would tell me anything, I asked many times but was told "you know what you did" even though I clearly didn't. I thought they'd all changed their minds about the previous day out of nowhere, or that this was because of (what I thought was) the breakup. I only learned what they actually thought much later. Oh, and my ex told me I needed therapy and he never wanted anything to do with me again (which is when I learned I'd been wrong about the breakup).

Again, I know me venting was harmful no matter what, so in that regard I am the asshole, but I still feel like there's a difference between what I did and deliberate manipulation, and surely people I'd been friends with for years could have spoken to me before assuming things?

So at that point I'd lost a beloved pet, my partner, and most of my close friends, within a day. So at that point I tried but failed to commit suicide, and was hospitalized.

While in the hospital, I didn't get a single word from any of my friends, except for one person. Supposedly, everyone had been "worried out of their minds" when they saw my suicide note. But not worried enough for a single word.

Even the one person who talked to me got extremely defensive and angry if I so much as implied I felt hurt by the group's actions. They even tried to hold it over my head how "despite everything you did X and Y were super worried about you" as if being worried about someone comitting suicide is some kind of heroic saint.

I asked to be allowed to talk things out with them, but was told "the others aren't comfortable associating with you", so I had to write a fucking google doc letter. I explained the situation from my perspective, apologized for my actions etc, but also made it clear that I felt hurt and didn't think their reaction was justified and that they should have at least talked to me first, and that I was very open to talking things out in person if any of them wanted to get back to me.

None of them did. Apparently they were writing a formal collective response letter to me. At which point I had enough of the silent treatment and said that if any of them had anything to say to me they could do so in person. Which made the group extremely angry because I was "silencing" them.

About three people got back to me, and all of their responses amounted to "we don't owe you an apology, our actions were justified because we thought you'd done something bad and we were just trying to protect [my ex] and the fact that you're upset about it proves you are bad" one of them compared me to their abuser.

They also said they'd been "having issues with my behavior for a long time now", I wish I could elaborate here in case it'd impact judgement, but I can't because none of them specified, and NOTHING of the sort had been brought up to me previously.

So. Again, I know I am the asshole to some extent, because regardless of my mindset me venting on my tumblr was still harmful, but I also feel like I was treated unfairly and cruelly by my former friends. AITA here?

What are these acronyms?

[bcolfanfic]

how is the bucks sex life before and after John’s attempt? Was he completely disinterested before due to his mental state? Maybe it was business as usual, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it either way, on how depression and paranoia would affect their relationship in that way, and how they would wrap their heads around it, maybe it’s something they have to work on with their therapist, or maybe it’s something John or Gale refuses to acknowledge is happening

as his mental health fully spiraled it was more or less nonsexist. in the month or so before his attempt john was either a) exhausted b) not fully lucid or c) not in a *bad* mood but really wired and hopped up even if smiling and happy. and none of those were headspaces that made for gale feeling like they could have sex in a way that was safe. the couple times they tried john seemed really out of it/like it kicked him to a less lucid state which kinda freaked gale out and worried him too much to be able to keep trying.

john was never pushy about it- but the few times gale had to put his foot down stung all the same. made him feel all tangled up and guilty and *broken* and like he was hurting gale 'more than he already was'. which of course wasn't true in the sense john was thinking about it. gale would assure him of that. but the loss of intimacy was a strain on their relationship that it takes some time to fully repair.

in east side of sorrow they fuck the second john is home which yeah. emotions are running high, john is in a healthier place than he's been in *months* and they missed each other terribly. so that happens. but once that adrenaline has worn off it's back to being something that's a bit of a growing pain. esp with the meds john is probably on for his depression.

and then it's thrown into a tailspin *again* when john's drinking issues get as bad as they do because gale can't go through it when he knows he's drunk. which turns into a fight once when they're really in the throughs of that and john *hasn't* been drinking this particular night but gale just doesn't believe him.

all in all yeah- it probably is something they need to work through in therapy and something that doesn't fully bounce back till john is sober. i think it plays into them working on building their trust back up in general. and it gets better as their trust in each other gets better.

[alexandraisyes]

If you could say something to all TSAMS characters, what would you say?

OHOHOHOH

Sun: They could never make me hate you Moon: Go to fucking therapy and stay there Nexus: Let's go take a walk and some deep breaths Monty: Go to fucking therapy and stay there OG Computer: You're an asshole Spaniard: I like you Eclipse (Original): So how did being evil work out for you? Eclipse (Back Up): Man that whole star thing really just didn't go as planned, did it? Eclipse (Copy): Yes yes, you're evil and bad and blah blah blah. Have a cookie and relax my guy. Also, could you fill out this questionnaire? It's for science. Don't worry about the kind of science. Lunar: You're kind of a freak Bloodmoon: You're also kind of a freak but you're dead Bloodmoon (Copy): R.I.P. bozo. L + Ratio Killcode: Yeah, lying to someone that you care about them and you love them, and then disowning them when they're pissed off wasn't a good idea, was it buddy? It's alright, I still like you, but holy fuck dude. What were you thinking? Solar Flare: Your hands look heavy, can I hold them for you? Earth: You need to go sit in the corner and think about why defending Monty's actions is bad for your and everyone else's mental health Ruin: Oh, I have so many questions for you buddy let me tear apart your psyche under a microscope pretty please. The Creator: You know they'll kill you one day, right?

Trashcan Man: You deserved better anyways Gemini: You are really bad about this feelings business Nebula: I don't even know you but slay queen Frank: So what's your opinion on dresses? Puppet: I don't even know where to start, so just keep girlbossing ig. Foxy: I've always liked you Miku: I like you. I shouldn't like you. But I like you. Stitch Wraith: You. Are a fascinating little specimen. Golden Freddy: So. . . the pumpkin. Was it worth it?

Solar (Nice Eclipse): R.I.P. bozo. Hope limbo is fun Helios (Dark Sun): Mind if I steal your pet for a few hours? I'll bring him back, I promise. Nyx (Evil Lunar): A game? I'd love to play a game. Kronos (Lord Eclipse): Would you like a hug? Bro? You're a real fucking mess ain't ya? Styx (Lord Lunar): Does it ever get lonely being just the two of you? Moros (Servant Eclipse): You're a terrible actor

And yeah there are more canon AUs but blegh my brain can only come up with so many things to say to people.

[doulayogimama]

I moved to NYC when I was 25, a time when I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety. I can hardly believe I made the move because just visiting the city used to cause me terrible anxiety. All of the people, it just spiked my social anxiety and negative awareness of myself.

Living in the city transformed my anxiety from nervousness to excitement. I started really dealing with my issues, going to therapy, going to yoga, walking everywhere, not being afraid to ask for directions, taking big leaps in achieving my dreams, finally starting an SSRI. I did all of this mostly because I knew that Kevin and I wanted to start a family soon and I couldn't start the journey on the path I was on.

Motherhood saved me before I even became a mother, to be honest. I wasn't willing to dive deep into my problems for myself, but I was willing to do it for my future children. The first 2 years of Sky's life were so hard, mentally. I was back to being afraid of everything; the pandemic killing my baby, being out and about in general. Then we moved to a new town after a very stressful cross country move where we were nearly scammed into buying our first home under false pretenses. We had no one within 4 hours of us to help with Sky and it was fucking terrible. I descended into a spiral of depression and things like taking my 1.5 year old to the park or the library took a lot of self regulation and simply being fucking terrified but doing the thing anyway.

I'm 3.5 years into motherhood and it's only in the last year that I'm like, "yeah, let's go to the park!" or last night, I took her to story time and crafts at the library despite having a shitty day physically. I had already taken her to gymnastics and to play with her cousins at their house, but I knew I could persevere and take her because she would love it. I know for some, that's like... duh. But for me, my anxiety would usually tell me "absolutely not, you can't handle that and we need to stay home. You've done enough." I didn't listen to the voice and told myself even if I didn't feel well, it would be okay. I was looking at my beautiful girl during story time while holding my belly, thinking, "my gosh, the gift these children have given me is true resilience."

[marlenemckinn]

Happy New Year

I didn't really want to put this on my real life social media, so I'll share my thoughts on going into the New Year here... I've been through terrible years and have trauma pile on trauma in the past. I think let it all build through out my twenties and I made it to my thirties and thought I was managing to be kind of happy. I should have realized when I stopped doing things I love over the last few years or when I couldn't stop the anxiety and spiraling or when I would just solely focus on having as much going on at once to drown out the thoughts. Then this year came along and kicked my fucking ass. I was dragged down even lower than I thought I could get to, in all honesty I probably should have gone on a grippy sock vacation. I pulled away from everyone in my life by cutting everyone out. For months I couldn't get out of bed after I left a shitty living situation and a flare up of my autoimmune disease. I couldn't even get myself to go to therapy. I was hardly eating or brushing my teeth or taking a shower. I was just rotting away and hated when I had to be alone in the house because I was worried I'd decide that I'd actually choose to cease to exist. I never said that out loud because I didn't want to worry anyone, which is fucking ridiculous. And I know that mental healthcare available in my state if terrible so that's another layer. The lowest into the first week of October when my PCP all but begged me to see a psychiatrist, which I did, and I think Russ saved my life and if it were ethical I'd buy him a gift and take him to dinner. He read me like a book and instead of being put off because I'm normally so good being a closed book, I was relieved. When my upped dosage didn't work he prescribed me Wellbutrin and guess what? It worked. Well, started to. I started to feel better, I started to want to do things. I went food shopping and showered. It wasn't perfect because it was hard to adjust the first week then I dipped again. So then he upped my dose again and it's worked. I got out of bed, I wasn't sleeping for 14 hours a day. My parents pointed out I was laughing and talking happily. I picked up hobbies and actually unpacked after 5 months. Hell, I went back to work after the same amount of time (and god I could write a love letter to my job, which as someone who hates capitalism should say a lot. Everyone has just been so supportive). I haven't made it back to the office and I haven't really seen my friends, but I'm taking the steps. I realized the other day that I can get out of bed, even on days where I don't want to. Before I would just take the day off because I felt awful and couldn't manage to roll out of bed. I'm not digging into myself when things don't go the way I want. I'm actually writing again consistently and that should say a lot. But this is all to say I didn't think I'd see in 2025 at one point this year. Here I am though, a little over an hour away. Even though I'm stressed about what's to come because of politics, I'm not rotting away in bed. I'm actually ready for it and I'm thrilled to actually just be able to feel okay and feel okay about feeling that way too.

[sweeethinny]

hard day

Today wasn't the best therapy session, and sometimes I feel like Lily, for every one step forward, I feel like I take ten back. anyway. just hard days and hard diagnoses and treatments.

----

Things weren't easy, the challenges were definitely bigger than what James had been promised when he married Lily.

He hoped their fights were because he had left something out of place or because she had a terrible habit of leaving lights on and closet doors open.

He definitely wasn't expecting that they would fight over this.

''You treat me like I'm a child!'' Lily yelled angrily back at him, and James took a deep breath thinking that she was just still digesting the news and that this was just another sudden change of mood caused by the turbulent day she had had. She didn't hate him and didn't want to leave him, Lily was just mad and wanting to explode with the first one who walked in front of her — and unfortunately, it was him.

''I'm just saying, it would be a lot easier if—''

''You don't know.'' Lily spoke so enraged, her cheeks were the color of her hair, as if she were fifteen again and they were fighting in the middle of the classroom because he made some joke that she didn't like. She didn't even remotely resemble the twenty-year-old woman he'd married.

''But I'm trying hard to know at least one percent, to help you!'' He almost shouted, throwing his hands up like a madman and closing his eyes to try to remember the words Remus had said to him; ''tone of voice matters a lot in conversation.'' ''Lils, I just want to help you, and I understand that you're angry and sad, it's totally your right, but let me help you at least, tell me what you want me to do or say if you just need me to hold you and be silent by your side, but say something. Let me get closer. Let me show you that there is a solution.”

''There is no solution, James, that's what I'm trying to tell you, I want you to understand that–''

''Don't repeat that I have a broken wife, or whatever the fuck you were going to say.'' James took a deep breath, almost losing his temper. ''We'll get through this together, I'll help you, and we'll be in this side by side as we've always been, what will be different now?’’

''What if during treatment I change? And if…''

"I will love you, whether you're skinny, fat, pink, white, green, blue, with or without hair, tall or short, just a walking head or full body... I will always love you," James said, knowing exactly what she meant. ''I didn't marry you for what you look like, I married you because I love who you are, the whole of you, and you're not just a body, Lily. It's not the weight on the scale or a mental or eating disorder.'' He sighed. ''Let me help you.''

''I don't want to feel like I'm a burden on someone's life, and every time we think I'm getting better it feels like I take ten steps backwards,'' She cried, standing on the step of the stairs wiping her face and sniffling, clearly getting more nervous and starting to let out the feelings she was just swallowing and pretending didn't exist. ''I feel like I'm a walking failure.'' Lily then collapsed, and James only had time to pull her into his arms in a tight hug, allowing her to pour out all her pain there.

There was nothing he could say, he knew, words at that point would be thrown to the wind, so he just stood there. With her.

[mara-xx217]

I was inspired by the knights x male reader post so I was wondering what some of the more Conservative male killers would feel if they realised they had a crush on male suviver *cough* the trapper *cough*

Okay I genuinely enjoyed that ask so here it is if anyone is interested~

This is gonna be a really rough ride, so make sure to keep the warnings in mind!

Warnings: Homophobia of Varying degrees, Homophobic Slurs, Repressed Sexualities, Canon Typical Violence and Death, Forced Feminization, Non-Con/Rape, Medical Abuse, Attempted Conversion Therapy, Drugging, General Warning for Disturbing Content

Evan Macmillan/The Trapper

He's probably one of the first killers that comes to mind when this question is asked.

It's impossible to overstate how terrible his unbridled fury is upon witnessing you for the first time.

The attraction he felt was instant and it was disabling. Unfortunately for you, the only way he was disabled was due to the fact he was completely blinded by rage.

Confusion, anger, disgust and longing are the emotions that he feels the strongest when you are around him.

The Trapper reacts with overwhelming violence whenever it comes to you. It brings him cardinal pleasure unlike anything else in the world, especially when he had you pinned down underneath him.

Hurting you was the only way the Trapper knew how to relieve the pain that he felt. He didn't want to see you as an individual and certainly not as an equal. You were just an object, a thing that he could abuse and certainly not something that he felt any amount of attraction towards.

Maybe he could find a way to make you appear more... appealing to him. To him? Or to his father?

The dress was ugly and you couldn't apply any makeup properly on yourself due to how badly your hands always shook from fear and from pain. It didn't matter. If it wasn't smeared due to your trembling hands, it would be from your tears and from the Trapper shoving your face into the mattress as he takes you from behind yet again...

Evan was never accepted by his father. He never would be. He was a disgrace... Disgusting...

He would make you a disgrace, too.

Herman Carter/The Doctor

Homosexuality has been classified as a mental disorder since before the first edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) in 1952. It is something that Herman Carter believed since before he was in medical school and it was something he continued to believe even as 'the Doctor'.

The Doctor is interesting in that he is a sadomasochist, enjoying to experience the same pain, the same 'treatments' that he was subjecting his 'patients' to.

He is delusional in thinking that he was trying to 'cure' you of your chronic illness while refusing to introspect in any way, ensuring that he remains willfully ignorant of the very same aspect of himself that he shares with you.

Electroshock therapy would be performed onto you over and over again, until the damage is too much for your body to bear and you are ferried back to the survivor's camp via the Entity. All manner of 'reconditioning' will be attempted, all will fail, almost as if they were designed to do as such.

"I can't change this... You can't change this... Please... I-I'm not sick-"

The Doctor wishes to understand why you enjoy homosexual sex. He wishes to understand the same about himself, though it is masked in a twisted sense of medical, scientific curiosity.

How can he 'help' you if he doesn't understand why you indulge in the perverse?

The Doctor believes that, should you experience sexual trauma, it would 'assist' you in developing an aversion to homosexuality. It doesn't matter whether or not you have experienced some aspects of sexual trauma, deep down, the Doctor only wished to experience the euphoria of sodomizing you forcibly.

Your screams and cries are like music to his ears...

He will continue to find ways to push your limits. Will you renounce your identity? Will you accept that fact that you are a sick, perverted little man? Or will he have to continue to break you until you do?

Jeffery Hawk/The Clown

He is one that kids himself the least when it comes to the fact that he's a sick, twisted, perverted fuck.

The Clown will never admit to ever having sexual encounters with men in any capacity. Exactly who the fuck do you think he is?! He'll kill anyone that would dare to insinuate such a thing while in the same night drugging an unsuspecting passerby and not only cutting off a favourite finger, but having his way with his either fully or partially unconscious body.

He was never picky when it came to the gender or age of his victims. Women, men, the elderly, children... The Clown only had an eye for hands, for fingers, and if he saw a beautiful digit, he simply had to have it.

It's unusual for him for keep a victim of his alive for a prolonged period of time, both before and during his time in the Fog. Perhaps he was craving more brutality, maybe he was thinking about his father a little too much in recent times... The Clown decides that a one off encounter wouldn't be enough for him.

Unluckily for you, you were the one he had his eyes set on for the longest time, and it was you that would face the absolute worst of his wrath.

The Clown dislikes working for his fun. Drugging you is his method of domination, in contrast to many of the other killers that use brute force and indiscriminate violence to exert his will over your own.

Humiliation serves just as much of a source of pleasure as his cheirophilia does. To see another person appear so small underneath him, to cower before him and to beg for mercy in spite of its futility... It's arousing for him.

Kenneth Chase learned nearly all of his worst traits from his father. 'He learned from the best', as he always said. If he didn't hate him so much, it could have been a source of pride for him.

What would dear old dad think of him now that he has some 'faggot' in a dress taking his cock up his ass every night?

You looked totally pathetic day in and day out. Maybe it was for that reason why he wouldn't kill you. Not yet, anyway. It's as entertaining for him as it is sexually gratifying. The Clown could keep you around for an untold amount of time, as drugged as he keeps you.

He makes sure to keep you docile, too weak to fight back or run away but only just aware enough so that you understood to a degree what was happening to you in the moments where your consciousness was fleeting.

Kazan Yamaoka has his own ask in this very vein so he'll be addressed in another ask!

@prettycutebunny, @infinitewhore, @kennbb, @cherrysodalite, @thanksatt, @pink-soft-shadow, @sinlessdesire, @hoemine, @memoryofheather @horny-3

[fitzselfships]

Emotional rambling under the cut lol (tw for mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and general mental health struggles)

Looking back on this year, I can't help but notice how much everything changed once I started self shipping with Zooble

The first half of the year was the worst for me. I had a complete mental breakdown over the trauma of being abandoned by someone I loved and trusted, began isolating myself further because I didn't want to lose someone I was beginning to get attached to, my hallucinations and paranoia got really bad and I even relapsed and started self harming again

It was terrible. I didn't want to be alive anymore. My mental health was getting worse, insurance stopped covering therapy for me and there wasn't a single psychiatrist willing to see me, not to mention my physical health was getting worse. I was so depressed I couldn't even make myself get out of bed most days. I spent everyday begging for any reason to keep going

Then one day a picture of Zooble showed up in my recommended posts. I didn't have any knowledge of tadc at the time besides what my mutuals rbed. I was out with my family that day, but I couldn't focus on anything except Zooble. I couldn't stop thinking about them. When I got home, I watched the first episode and instantly fell in love with them

I fully expected my fixation on them to last maybe a week or two, but then it got to be the next month. I felt myself falling in love with them, and it scared me because I promised myself I would never fall in love again after the last time, not to mention I was terrified people would make fun of me for having genuine real feelings for a fictional character

After a while I realized it was okay. It was okay for me to love them. And I feel like they love me back. They always let me know that they Do love me back, whether it's thoughts of them randomly popping into my head or something as simple as looking at a picture of them or any of my Zooble merch and feeling loved

They've been with me through everything this year. I struggled so bad but they stuck with me through all of it. They've made it clear that they don't plan on leaving me. They've made me feel so safe and loved for the first time in my life. I never felt this way with my ex friend

Now it's almost 2025. We're getting married in January. I'm so glad I met them. They've shown me that it's okay for me to love again, and that there are people out there who like me and want me around. I don't think I would even still be alive if it weren't for them, and I definitely wouldn't have made so much progress without them

I can't wait to spend another year with them. My first 100% genuine and healthy relationship is with a fictional character but idc. I'm finally happy. I love them so much and I'm so thankful to have them in my life <3

[brandwhorestarscream]

Please share the gerbils with the humans of Tumblr. This poor civimorph catching hell from mom because they wanted to cheer up their broken sire so they arranged to have his pets brought to him. Orion is very confused. He was talking to his mate because he didn't want to see humans wiped out. His child is very confused because the human's bairly there em feilds are covered in dad's biomarkers.

Nyehehehehehe >:) excellent

So! Where we last left off with the aligned cybermorphs, Optimus Prime after being mentally shattered by the matrix finally restoring his true memories from before the war, has suddenly vanished from the base after multiple days of him being entirely disassociated and non-communicative from the shock of it all. They can't get a read on his life signal, and have no idea where he possibly could be.

They don't even know if he's alive

Optimus slipped out of the base to seek out the nearest known decepticon energon mine. It's a risky move as Megatron still has an incredibly high bounty on his head, but he's not exactly thinking he clearly. Haunted by all of his children whom he killed with his own hands, he willingly goes to them disarmed and in surrender. The drones are being overseen by one of the civimorphs, a mecha he now knows to be one of his sparklings. He can't bear the thought of fighting them, and the way their optics flash with hatred goes sparkdeep.

The surrender goes peacefully, all things considered. It's incredibly tense but he gets bridged directly to the decepticon warship, which is essentially a flying hive. Within seconds, everyone knows he's there. The hivemind thrums with anger and confusion, and it's permeable in the air. Every set of optics is trained directly in him as he's led, bound in stasis cuffs, directly to the heart, Megatron's throne room.

I could go on and on about the reunion and what happens next in more detail, but that's not the point of this ask. The point is the gerbils

So! Long story short Megatron accepts OP's surrender, though with the demand he relinquish the Matrix, claiming it tainted with the Senate's evil and he's not willing to commune with one of their puppets. Optimus obliges him without objection. It's a very painful process that is eventually finished up with surgery

Optimus-now-Orion is happy to be back with the hive, but he's still very mentally unstable. Megatron keeps a very tight leash on him, partially because he can't trust him to just wander around, partially because he's worried someone might eat him, and partially because he's honestly worried about his little mate. Ex-mate? It's... complicated, to say the least. Orion is in a terrible state, still so broken from grief and guilt alike, and needs an ass load of rehab and therapy.

Almost no one is happy he's here, and even the ones that are have very conflicting feelings about the whole thing. One of his eldest surviving children, one that is old enough to remember him very clearly. One that grew into one of Megatron's finest praetorians. They've never forgotten the burn of his betrayal, the horror at finding out he had sided with the Senate and had played them all like fools. When Megatron confronted him, all those millions of years ago, he had demanded of Orion is any of it was true, if everything was a lie. If the life they'd built together had really, truly been an elaborate ploy just to get information on the cybermorphs in order to better genocide them. Optimus Prime had looked him in the optic and claimed it was. They had born witness to it, and it broke their spark. To hear their sire call them parasites and monsters, to claim his love for them was nothing but a perfect act. Looking back, the mnemosurgery couldn't have been more obvious, but in the wake of the bombing that slaughtered more than 80% of their hive, it had seemed so painfully believable. Now, in the present, to know he wasn't actually working against them and had been reduced to little more than the Senate's plaything... guh. Their mind and heart alike are a mess. It's a joyous relief, of course, but it's been 4+ million years. He's killed so many of them, snuffed the sparks of so many of their siblings right in front of them. He had abandoned them and had been actively working toward their annihilation until just yesterday

It's so much. Almost too much.

But they can see how broken he is, how the weight of what he's done presses down on his shoulders. There's so little light in his optics, and he leans into their carrier's touch like a lost, unloved sparkling. Silently observing him from their post beside Megatron's throne, they can feel the anger's hold slipping off of them. They're still mad, but the strut-deep hatred is quickly abating to make room for pity.

Now I do have to note, this is where the story branches off a little bit: this is a hypothetical and not strictly canon to this AU. It can be, but also doesn't have to be

The praetorian, in their off time, plots to fetch their sire's "pets". Even without the Matrix he's still very fond of them, clearly, and they think it will be helpful for his mental health. Having something small and warm for companionship is a proven psychological positive.

Since Optimus went missing. The humans have been under constant supervision, always having to have an escort and sleeping at the base most every night. They'll have to steal the humans from there, but as a solo mission it's a tall order

So they do the logical thing: asks their half sibling with invisibility to help.

The vosimorphs have one of the widest arrays of traits: not only are they venomous, but they also possess crazy chromatoids inherited from the cryptid seekers, able to cloak and blend into any environment and even make all of their cells refract light so they become invisible.

This vosimorph is younger than them, as all vosimorphs are, and it very against the idea at first. Mother hasn't given that order, not to mention this is incredibly risky.

The vosimorph agrees on the condition that they're now owed a debt that can be collected at any time. And also if Mother gets angry, their older sib will take full responsibility. They head out, and spend the next several days stalking the autobots like prey: learning their habits and tracing them + their human companions to their base. Invisible, they slip inside, and slink into the shadows, silent as the grave and cataloging every detail while also actively broadcasting Normal Vibes so the hivemind won't think anything is wrong.

Fast forward several hours, it's late at night: the humans are all sleeping in the same room, the autobots are all recharging save for Smokescreen; it's his turn for the night shift. Vosimorph slithers through the base, still invisible, and appears above the sleeping humans. They don't have any way to dispatch them or make sure they stay asleep, so they have to do this fast.

They extend their fingers over every bed, and in one swift motions, scoops up all of them. Jostled awake and faced with what looks like a horror movie monster, they course start screaming, and the morph wastes no time.

Snaps at them to, "Shut up!" and promptly stuffs them all into their secondary jaw. They become invisible juuust before the door opens, and as soon as it does they slip out. With the humans hidden within their body, the invisibility extends to them. There may be some muffled screaming but by the time the autobots notice, morph is already activating the door and escaping into the night

Promptly spits out the humans, now soggy and oily, and transforms around them, immediately taking off into the sky. Reaching out to their older sib to announce 'target acquired'

[thefrogdalorian]

It's New Year's Eve and I just wanted to share some mushy thoughts about life and Mando and Din and how this year has been overall for me!!

If you don't want to read below the cut I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year!! I hope you have a wonderful time, whatever you do to celebrate. I'm currently on a trip so I may not be terribly active, but if you're struggling and the emotions of the day are a little too much, please do message me. I've been there plenty of times. You're not alone. NYE should really be about looking to the future rather than dwelling on the past, but I know how easy it is to get caught up in that depressive loop of thinking.

But if you do want to keep reading, then strap in for some Oversharing Online and gushing about how much Mando means to me:

I first started watching Mando during the pandemic in 2020, I think the first episode released like 2 days after the UK went into lockdown or something. 2020 was an awful year for me, as I'm sure it was for so many of you. A lot of things happened to me that I'm still trying to process but I hope to start therapy in the new year and go some way to addressing it.

Anyway, The Mandalorian came to me at a time I dearly needed it. It was welcome relief from The Horrors I was experiencing. I was hooked pretty much straight away, who was this mysterious man? What were his intentions? Was he good or bad? OH WOW THAT WALK. THAT VOICE!!! I loved it, but it wasn't until The Believer that everything changed for me. It went from enjoyment to full-blown obsession. I couldn't wait until Season 3 aired, and I think the expectations I had built up in my head could never have lived up to the reality of what I felt upon watching it for the first time. I was pretty disappointed most weeks, but I feel so differently now.

This year has been pretty strange for me. I had some amazing highs (like being able to go to Star Wars Celebration where I got to see so many amazing Din and Mandalorian cosplays which was an INSANE experience and I still kind of haven't properly processed yet??) and also some difficult lows.

In June I finally got my autism diagnosis, something I'd been essentially waiting for for EIGHT YEARS. It was a huge shock but also not shocking at all. As in, I knew I was autistic since being a teenager but I was absolutely not expecting to be told right there and then at my assessment. So when the psychologist looked me in the eye and told me that I was autistic it was somewhat of a gut punch. Processing it was extremely difficult but during that time I found myself drawn back to Mando and particularly to season 3. I rewatched it again and again fell in love with a season that I'd probably felt on the whole underwhelmed with at the time, until the last two episodes, which I loved instantly.

When rewatching it, I noticed things that I'd missed before, which led me to become kind of obsessed with the idea of Din and Bo together. I know not everyone enjoys that but that truly is what I love about media, that we can all watch a similar thing and interpret it differently! I don't think I'm any more correct about the way I view certain interactions than anyone else. Shipping should just be a little fun, not ruin your mental health or dictate how you treat strangers on the internet. And it especially should not lead to any real world harassment of creators and actors.

So in September an idea formed and between then and November a 182,000 word fic landed in my lap. That's the best way I can describe writing it for me, I was so fixated on finishing it and the plot just kept coming the more I wrote. It is by FAR the longest thing I've ever written and probably ever will write, but the routine of writing it and publishing it helped claw me out of a spiral I was in after my diagnosis.

And it was publishing it on AO3 that gave me the confidence to rejoin a fandom space again. It was a big step for me to put myself out there but I'm so glad that I did because that's what led me here, to discover this wonderful community who adore Din and The Mandalorian just as much as I do. I'm so happy that I finally found my way here. It was way less intimidating than I ever thought it would be!

I know that I haven't been here for the longest time, I wish I just got over my nervousness and made a tumblr earlier in the year so I could have joined in with the hype before season 3. But also considering how poorly received the season was overall, maybe it was for the best that I wasn't here.

Despite my relative newness here, I just wanted to say how welcomed I've felt and that is a truly lovely feeling. Thank you so much to everyone who has interacted with any of my posts and especially my writing in any way, big or small. It means a lot to me! I cannot wait to be around for all the buildup to Season 4, honestly. I know it seems so far but after midnight we can say it's (probably) only NEXT YEAR!

I have no idea what 2024 has in store for me. That doesn't scare me, in fact I'm quite excited about not knowing what will happen. I

Of course, I have some goals I'd like to achieve for myself but whatever happens, I know that Mando will be there to endlessly rewatch and whatever comes my way, I'll always have Din Djarin. He's the only man to ever exist! That gorgeous tin can who instantly soothes me every time I get to watch his silly little exploits with his silly little son. Where would we be without him, eh?

Anyway, whatever you're doing tonight to celebrate and even if you aren't, I wish you all the best. Stay safe, enjoy yourself and I'm sending you lots of love and light for the year. May 2024 be a healthy, happy prosperous year for you and your loved ones.

See you in 2024!

Love,

Spud 🥔🐸

[mariana-oconnor]

The Blanched Soldier pt 2

Last time in Yet Another Unintentionally Queer Tale from the Classic Unintentionally Queer Universe, Mr Dodd had gone to see Sherlock Holmes about his army boyfriend who had mysteriously disappeared and whose family and friends appeared to be treating the guy as though he were dead.

So far we've had some A+ fathering and some B- mothering (clearly she loves her son, but also she doesn't appear to be doing anything to help her son. Does she know whether her son is alive?)

I have at no point wondered if Godfrey had been sent to Victorian Conversion Therapy. Which... what would that even entail? Something terrible no doubt.

"Clearly my poor friend had become involved in some criminal or, at the least, disreputable transaction which touched the family honour. That stern old man had sent his son away and hidden him from the world lest some scandal should come to light."

Possible, but I feel like this is too generous a view of the father. I am fully prepared for it to be that Godfrey is just mentally ill and his father thinks he'll bring shame on the family through that.

"No doubt he had fallen into bad hands and been misled to his ruin."

Hey, give Godfrey the respect of believing he could go bad all by himself. He's a grown man. He could if he wanted!

"I was anxiously pondering the matter when I looked up, and there was Godfrey Emsworth standing before me.”

Huh...

Either his father is bloody useless as a jailer, or he's not locked up in the house like I thought he was.

"He was deadly pale—never have I seen a man so white. I reckon ghosts may look like that; [...] he saw that I was looking at him, and he vanished into the darkness. “There was something shocking about the man, Mr. Holmes. It wasn't merely that ghastly face glimmering as white as cheese in the darkness. It was more subtle than that—something slinking, something furtive, something guilty— something very unlike the frank, manly lad that I had known. It left a feeling of horror in my mind."

“I had a good look at the little house as I passed it, but the windows were heavily curtained..."

To keep out the SUN perhaps? Huh?

"I could not see his face, but I knew the familiar slope of his shoulders."

I'm not saying it's gay to recognise your bff by the slope of their shoulders, but I'm not saying it's not gay, either. Y'know?

As we drove to Euston we picked up a grave and taciturn gentleman of iron-gray aspect, with whom I had made the necessary arrangements.

We are indeed doing what I thought we would do in Holmes' perspective - he's just not telling us anything. Presumably in order to keep some sort of suspense. He does like a dramatic surprise, so I suppose it's not out of character. But it's very clear that he's writing for an audience here and not for educational purposes.

“I think not. It was his brow which I saw so clearly as it was pressed against the window.”

When you press against something though, your skin goes white. That's a thing. No one looks normal when their pressing themselves against glass.

I [...] contrived to bring my nose within a foot of the gloves. Yes, it was undoubtedly from them that the curious tarry odour was oozing.

So presumably he's been doing something with his hands. Medicine? Drugs?

Oh, that's 'tar-like' not 'tarry' as in a specific thing I've never heard of. That's... actually more concerning. Why has he been handling tar?

Alas, that I should have to show my hand so when I tell my own story! It was by concealing such links in the chain that Watson was enabled to produce his meretricious finales.

Lol. The lampshading is excellent.

He held our cards in his hand, and he tore them up and stamped on the fragments.

Such a respectable grown adult. Stamping his feet and having a tantrum because some people arrived at his door.

I took out my notebook and scribbled one word upon a loose sheet. “That,” said I as I handed it to Colonel Emsworth, “is what has brought us here.”

Oh my god, Holmes, just fucking tell us. Is the word the name of the illness Godfrey has?

But we do get a passage about ears... which will have to suffice, I suppose.

I think Holmes is enjoying being the narrator a little too much.

[lesslie-sass]

Here's my advice

Stop being sexist against your own sex, and go get some therapy for several things

No rational human being wants you dead

But you do really like to be terrible and make yourself the victim

But I don't condone people telling you to off yourself

Grow a spine and realize when you're insulting people like me that have to deal with mental dissorders too. You're not the only one

Or perhaps simply move communities so you don't have to deal with people that have proper media literacy and a want to respect people with mental disorders. Either works

Again, obviously no rational human being wants you to die and no one should ever tell you to. But we don't want to deal with your shit if you're being sexist and ableist. Stop being an absolute hypocrite

Jeez, put your hate boner away, I can feel it from another continent

First of all, just because I don't wanna excuse female character's terrible behavior doesn't suddenly make me a "women hater" like you want to see me as, I don't care what gender Uzi is and still would've thought she's annoying brat. For the "ableistic" shit, as again, mental problems doesn't excuse terrible behavior, acting out only makes situation worse and people around either annoyed or creeped out (like Uzi's classmates but I guess their feelings don't matter near your gothic waifu) and for your "she's heavily implied to have BPD, PTSD, autism, etc." I have one small question - did Liam or Glitch officially state that Uzi has any of those? No? Then shut up about your headcannons, or rather delusions and projections, that has no ground to be used as argument.

Playing the victim, huh? Oh sorry, how dare I be openly upset about getting dogpiled and hated for my opinion that others, you as well, could've easily ignore. That people got butthurt I wasn't backing down and destroyed my reputation in return, blocking me, spreading how terrible I am, how wrong and toxic I am, encouraged others to do the same. You didn't need to do this, but you did and encouraged it anyway, not carring that I have problems, that I may not be doing great irl, that I actually might've had something to do with myself, only because you couldn't just move on. Just because fictional character and ship getting shitted on was more important in your eyes, compared to me who didn't harrass or insult anyone directly, you have fucked up priorities.

I had every right to get you all to fuck off, when you didn't wanna listen to any of my points AND ignored Lizard literally wishing me to die, or even someone close to me to die. You just want to have some kind of "enemy" of the fandom, target those who's vocal about their negative opinion about MD and make fandom bring them down and tier them apart, to feel better that you "defeated" them and saved the fandom from such "toxic" individual.

And who the hell are you to tell me or anyone else if they should leave the fandom? That "you" don’t wanna deal with my shit, when it's not even directed at anyone directly? Or is it more like "we accept you the way you are, cringe and free! ...until you have different opinion than we do"? Like the same thing with VanityMoth, with people like you invalidating his opinion that happened to be the one you don't agree with and making him this big asshole who's terrible and should just shut up for good. (I use him as example for how this isn't one time accident with me, I may not agree with every point he makes or his behavior, which might as well got worse because of huge hate he got, I speak here only for myself and how this kind of situation was towards me) It's not that people think you can't handle criticism, it's that you clearly show you can't.

AND...

Why I should ask anything from this person, who was all to happy to add fuel to the situation and clearly doesn't like me either? Heck no, they're in my block where they belong.

And therapy is expensive btw and with your creepy ass obsession towards me you need it more, perhaps in good place like Mount Massive Asylum OR perhaps listen to your own advice and leave me alone