#I feel like maybe it’ll be time soon to call it quits but I’ll play it by ear

[ccuriousmischieff]

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[paniniichan]

Ballade of the Lost Ones - Wandering / Chapter 4

Characters: Yuruzu, Niki, Madara, Rei, Tsumugi

Proofreaders: Aru, Oli

＜The Next Day. During the script reading session＞

Yuzuru: “Huff…”

Rei: “Are you alright?”

Yuzuru: “...Ah, it’s nothing. I’ll recover soon enough.”

Rei: “You’re lying. Look. Even for a wound like this, it’s taking so long to heal.”

Tsumugi: “Everyone’s faith… Truly has faded this much.”

Madara: “Hey, is there even a reason for us to keep protecting this place…?”

Niki: “D-Don’t just say stuff like that~. It’ll be a-okay! This place is like our home after all.”

“And that way we can protect the tran…tran…kill..ity…?¹

Yuzuru: Shiina-sama, it’s read as ‘tranquillity’.

Niki: Ah, thanks~♪

“And that way we can protect the tranquillity of this land!”

Director: – Ummm. Could we stop it here?

Niki: Uwah! I’m so sorry! Is it ‘cause I can’t read the kanji!?

Director: Well... I was more concerned about your acting abilities than your ability to read kanji.

The character Shiina-kun is playing, “Hikaru”, is also beginning to doubt it himself…

To try to shake it off, he acts as cheerfully as possible. He has to say these things out loud to try to persuade himself.

So I want you to try not to become a character that is only cheerful.

Niki: Being totally cheerful is no good… Right, got it!

Director: Alright then, let’s resume from the next scene–

＜30 minutes later＞

Niki: …Ugh. T-Too hard…

Director: Yeah… Maybe Shiina-kun needs some more time to read through the script.

Niki: The others aren’t finding it that hard, I feel bad for causing so much trouble…

Yuzuru: You do know that the rest of us are not able to give a perfectly satisfying performance from start to end either?

Tsumugi: Besides, Shiina-kun only had shallow experience in dramas to begin with, so I guess it can’t be helped to some extent. 

Niki: It’s probably a little late to ask but… Why was I chosen to play the role of “Hikaru”? Even weirder, I’m one of the two lead actors. 

I know that some of the films Fushimi-kun acted in were selected for big awards. But I’m just a plain old idol chef?

Rei: That makes you sound like some dangerous person who cooks idols. 

Director: My reason for choosing the two of you is clear.

I believe Shiina-kun and Fushimi-kun are people with a ‘switch’.

Niki: Switch? But I’m a member of Crazy:B, am I getting transferred without notice?! 

Tsumugi: Uwah, welcome to Switch ☆ We welcome you with open arms~

Madara: Let’s all calm down. Let’s not finalise a verbal transfer without the producer’s prior knowledge. Anzu-san’s panicking, don’t you see?

Niki: So it’s not the idol group Switch? But what does ‘switch’ mean then?

Director: A ‘switch’ is a, well… um… I guess you could describe it as a “change of personality”.

When you’re in my position, you watch a lot of actors. But it’s rare to find someone with these traits.

Someone who can change their personality into another as if just flipping a ‘switch’. 

These sorts of people are most definitely perfect for acting jobs!

When the two of you were chasing that bag thief, I was positive I could hear the sound of your switches!

It was then that I thought, “This must be it! This has to be fate!”

Niki: Back up back up! Please don’t just get up in my face like that!

This director has to be the type of guy who loses sight of his surroundings when he’s excited.

Yuzuru: Yes. But that reasoning is…

Your viewpoint is very unconventional, no? It seems to be quite a strange one… I believe he fits the mould of someone within the creative field.

Niki: Ugh? Even if you call it a switch, it doesn’t click with me. I can’t get a feel for it.

What even is a switch? I’m not some kinda tool to test a bunch of lightbulbs.²  

Hm? What’s wrong, Anzu-san?

Uh~, sorry ‘bout that. It really is just what you say.

If I keep carrying on like this I’ll never get good results, so I’d like a bit more time to look over my role.

I think I need some time to mature, just like a piece of ham.

Yuzuru: That sounds good. Even if the director wants to speed up production, filming while the script reading is unsatisfactory would be counterintuitive.  

Let us dismiss this meeting for today.

＜Same Day at Night. Resting Room＞

Yuzuru: …… (drinking coffee)

Niki: Uu… Guuu…

Yuzuru: …What was that noise? It sounds like the groan of something dragging itself across the ground. 

It’s coming from over here.

Niki: Uu…

Yuzuru: Oh, Shiina-sama, what seems to be the problem? Why is it that you’re dragging yourself along the ground like that? Are you pretending to be some type of dead insect?

Niki: I wish I was a dead bug… B-But more important… Food…

Yuzuru: Food…?

These are some sweets I was saving as a snack, but I’ll hand them to you.

Shiina-sama, please have these.

Niki: ！Nomnomnomnomnom! Nomnomnomnomnom…!

– Fwah, I’m alive again~! Thank you so much, Fushimi-kun!

Errr. Today’s reading session really had my brain working at full power, so now I’m super duper hungry.

I thought I could replenish my sweets stash here, but I ran out of steam mid-way~.

Yuzuru: So that’s what happened. I’m relieved you didn’t pass away in the hallway here.

Well, the script reading today did stretch on much like a marathon, so it can’t be helped that you’re exhausted.

Niki: Nomnom. I guess you’re right~. My brain sugar levels pretty much ran out. My eyes got all blurry, and my hands started shaking. I thought I was gonna die. 

Besides, this acting stuff is super hard. 

I’m flattered by the director’s high expectations of me, but I honestly don’t think I can do it.

I’m not even used to acting, so playing a non-human character is way out of my league.

If it was a role for a chef, I could probably get that no problem. Sigh…

----- ¹ In the original, Niki is having trouble reading the kanji 安寧, which refers to public peace. I decided to translate this as ‘tranquility’ as it gets the general meaning across while being more complicated than simply ‘peace’ (which Niki would 100% be able to read). ² Referencing how testing lightbulbs in the past required someone to screw in the lightbulb and another to flip a switch.

[hoshibatake]

FREEDOM – Reality and Freedom/Chapter 1

Previous chapter

<End of flashback. In the real world, Trickstudio>

Subaru: ...so I called out to Anzu as soon as she arrived.

Subaru: I said: “Yaho☆ So you’re that transfer student who we’ve heard so much about♪”

Mao: You came on too strong.

Hokuto: And then he started to demand money from her.

Mao: You came on way too strong.

Mao: I’ve heard this story countless times, but it really was a pushy and absurd first meeting～. You must’ve been at a loss, huh, Anzu?

Mao: ...Hmm? You were feeling a little lost on your first day, so it actually helped?

Mao: Oh, right. The three of them, including Makoto, showed you around the academy, didn’t they?

Mao: That sounds so nice. A true highschool experience. I was in quite the fix back then. I was caught between my student council job and Trickstar.

Mao: A lot has happened since, but that was probably the toughest time for me, because I was so inexperienced back then.

Subaru: But those times were also the most fun, weren’t they? When we were hoping that things would change, and when things were changing dizzyingly fast.

Subaru: No, actually, I’m always having the most fun! No matter what kind of trouble we’re facing, I believe we’ll always get through it if we’re together♪

Subaru: ...Wow, our trip down memory lane took us all the way back to when we met Anzu. Ukki～’s pretty late, isn’t he?

Subaru: I wonder where he could be dawdling. Maybe he got lost?

Mao: No, no. There’s no way he got lost now, after coming here so many times.

Hokuto: That’s what’s worrying me. I hope he didn’t wind up in some kind of trouble.

Hokuto: Hm? I just got a notification for a text.

Hokuto: ...Fumu. It’s a message from Yuuki. Apparently he overslept and only just woke up.

Subaru: O～oh, so he just overslept. I’m glad nothing bad happened, but that’s unlike Ukki～, huh?

Mao: If he just woke up, that means he’s at the dorm, right? If we wait for him to arrive, we’ll be here until nighttime. Let’s move our review meeting to a different day. We still have some time, after all.

Subaru: I agree～. Since Anzu is here too, let’s go grab a bite to eat☆

<At the same time, in Makoto’s dorm room>

Makoto: ...We’ll have the review meeting on another day, huh? I messed up. I’ll have to apologize the next time I see the others.

Makoto: *yawn* Oof...♪ It looks like I passed out while I was still logged in to FREEDOM.

Makoto: What was ‘I’ doing again? Uhm…

Makoto: Oh, right. ‘I’ was about to leave Trickstar.

Makoto: Wait, that sounded a little strange. My avatar in the game is the one who is leaving Trickstar.

Makoto: What to do… I vaguely remember that although joining or leaving a unit is easy, there are conditions to rejoining a unit.

Makoto: ...Yup. It’s written here in the guide. After leaving a unit, you need to wait at least 24 hours and get the approval of all existing members to rejoin.

Makoto: If my avatar quits, it’ll make things easier, but maybe I’ll try continuing like this for a bit longer. I’ll just see it as a challenge with extra restrictions¹.

Makoto: Because we’re only really Trickstar with the four of us...♪

Makoto: Alright. Let’s see how FREEDOM is doing～

Makoto: ...Wait, huh? His clothes changed…

Makoto: Huh? I don’t see my avatar… Where did he go? His coordinates aren’t being displayed…

Makoto: “Gwaaaaah!?”

Makoto: That scream sounded like ‘me’.

Makoto: I hear footsteps. I have a bad feeling about this, but I should go check it out…!

Makoto: “Waaah, where am I～!? Somebody help me～!”

Izumi: “Yuu-ku～n, don’t worry! I’m here to save you♪”

Makoto: “You’re the one I’m running from! Uurgh, I can’t let him get me!”

Izumi: “Oh, so you want to play tag?♪ Alright, then. I’ll chase you anywhere.”

Izumi: “L-O-V-E! I! Love! Yuu-kun! L-O-V-E! I! Love! Yuu-kun!”

Izumi: “Let’s live happily ever after with just the two of us, in a place where no one else can reach us...♪”

Makoto: Whoa! This must be a bug, right!? I need to force-quit the game!

Makoto: But why did Izumi-san show up all of a sudden?

Makoto: It seems like he can’t see me, so he must be an avatar too. Or is he an NPC?

Makoto: The residents’ appearances are determined by their jobs, so that means…

Makoto: I’m not sure about the logic behind it, but the Izumi-san I just saw seemed like he was based on that terrifying incident that happened at Yumenosaki.

Makoto: It would be a little scary if even small details like that have been included in the game… Huh? I wonder who just messaged me.

Makoto: It’s from Isara-kun… I see. Because I’m in a location that hides your coordinates, he can’t come talk to me directly.

Makoto: Huh!? My avatar has left Trickstar? Oh. So that’s why his clothes changed.

Makoto: I don’t remember making him quit. Is this a bug too?

Makoto: Once the criteria are met, he’ll be able to rejoin, but… Now he can focus on city-building, so in a way this is actually convenient.

Makoto: …

TL note:

The word Makoto uses here is 縛りプレイ ‘Shibari play’. It has two meanings: either ‘rope bondage’, or ‘playing a video game with self-imposed restrictions’. Obviously Makoto himself means the second one here, but given the fact that the next scene contains heavy references to the incident where Izumi kidnapped Makoto, this might be another, more meta reference to that.

Translated by me, proofread by Altea (@icaruswasthesun on Twitter)

Next chapter

[changingplumbob]

Chopra Household: Chapter 6, Part 13

In this final part we rap up the Chopra's for this rotation.

If Viola is attempting to say something it will be in brackets Mercedes has a speech delay and may get words wrong, correct wording will be in brackets if that is the case Savannah aka Honeybee Mercedes aka Little Ladybug Viola aka Green Bean

At the Rec centre Cassandra sets herself up to stream her guitar practice and hopes some locals may tip her some coins. Rahul meanwhile focuses on getting Viola talking. I would say, easier said than done but the whole point is it’s not easily said.

Rahul: Let’s do words. I know you know some, can you tell me?

Viola: Papa… Mama… lo ee (Love me)

Rahul: Lo ee isn’t quite a word but good job trying. How about we try one together? Me and you? Say after me, me…

Viola: Dee *twirls braids*

Rahul: Me…

Viola: Gre *dances in place*

Rahul: You…

Viola: Poo *flaps arms*

Rahul: Poo is a word! Not the one we were trying but I’ll take it. Poo is what you do in the potty

Viola: Papa?

Rahul: Yes green bean

Viola: I no no (I don’t need words)

Rahul: You don’t want to practice words right now?

Viola shakes her head to hammer home the point.

Rahul: What do you want to do then Viola

Viola: *hums* papa pa mi ah ah (Papa play with me, up up) *waves arms*

Rahul: Alright, you win. We’ll play for now

Viola jumps up and down in delight making joyous noises. Over the other side of the garden Cassandra has amassed a small crowd of sims but smiles to see Viola happy.

Rahul: Play time, up we go

Viola: Ah… up up

Rahul: Hey you got it green bean. Hold on tight, we’re going to fly

Viola giggles and shrieks as Rahul spins her around every which way. It can’t last forever though as the twins are due home soon.

Age up day means new photo time! Even if it is cloudy. One picture in everyday and one in hot weather as it’s getting quite hot and muggy. Unfortunately, we discover Viola hates being carried so she’s very glad when it’s over. Cassandra is desperate for the bathroom so heads inside while Rahul introduces the girls to bikes.

Rahul: They’ll allow you to see how beautiful all of Henford is. Now do you need help, I can help teach you

Mercedes: No papa, I got it

Savannah: Maybe… My motor skill…

Rahul: How about I give you some guidance and you can send me off whenever you like honeybee

Savannah nods happily and Rahul carries her down the steps to her bike. Mercedes is already tying to move around, helpfully wearing the ladybug helmet as the twins hair matches even more with helmets on. One particularly enthusiastic movement send her head into the handlebars though and she rubs her sore eye.

On the deck Viola is doing her best to stack blocks. There’s still the temptation to just put them in her mouth and chew. Inside Cassandra decides to take a pregnancy test since she’s had to pee more than normal today. What do you know, it’s positive! Next pregnancy has begun (and will have to be paused between households). Cassandra is delighted but she still feels sicker than she usually does when pregnant (probably all the mods).

Rahul is trying his best to provide guidance but the girls are still getting used to the bikes, walking on them in tippy toes on the front walkway and around the gates.

Snuggles: *clucks* what are you doing

Seven: *bleats* investigating. What are those things

Snuggles: *clucks* who cares? Just stay away from them or we’ll end up 2D

Cassandra comes outside and walking gingerly down the steps calls Rahul over while the kids are busy.

Rahul: Hey, you okay my darling

Cassandra: I’m not great but I am happy. Big guy… we’re pregnant again

Rahul: We are? Oh that’s amazing

Cassandra: I can’t promise it’ll be a boy

Rahul: I know from my biology degree, that y chromosome is down to me. Come here my darling. Boy or girl, I love them already

Cassandra: I just feel a bit groggy with it all. And I don’t know how the girls will react

Rahul: The twins are older now, they might be more understanding. And I’m sure Viola will love a playmate eventually

Cassandra: You get Viola in and I’ll talk to the girls

Rahul: As you wish my darling

Cassandra moves over to the danger zone that’s full of wobbling bikes and calls for Mercedes to come see her, she is the more sensitive of the two.

Cassandra: Little ladybug, you know how me and papa had Viola

Mercedes: *smiles* You’re sending her back?

Cassandra: No. We’re actually having another one. You’ll be a big sister again

Mercedes pouts in annoyance so Cassandra sweeps her into a hug.

Cassandra: Listen to me. No matter how many kids me and papa have, we will always, always, love you. Do you understand little ladybug?

Eventually Mercedes stops squirming and hugs her back tightly. She whispers that she loves her mama and Cassandra relaxes.

Savannah: What are we hugging about

Mercedes: Bad news! Another baby is coming

Savannah: I don’t know, another one could be good. It could keep Viola busy so we don’t have to talk to her. Are you and papa really having a baby mama

Cassandra: Really really. Are you okay with it Honeybee

Savannah: Sure. I can always just ignore it

Rahul: Do you understand green bean? Mama is making a baby so you’ll have a younger sibling

Viola: Mama av ab? I no ab (Mama is having a baby? I don’t know what a baby is)

Rahul: They’ll be small but they’ll get bigger then you can play with them

At this explanation Violas eyes light up. She may not understand what a baby is but something to play with sounds like fun. Her older sisters never seem to want to play with her.

Cassandra: Applesauce. Eat up Viola, you need to grow big and healthy

Savannah: Can I name the baby

Mercedes: No fair, I want to name the baby

Savannah: But I'm oldest

Cassandra: Me and papa have to talk about it first but I guess we can talk about it together afterwards

Rahul pulls a face at this idea but doesn’t let the girls see, he doubts they'll offer any ides beyond Twerp or Nincompoop.

After dinner Cassandra plays some My Sims Racing with the twins. Savannah being a geek is only to happy to “work” on her fine motor skills by playing.

Mercedes: Be quiet Viola, I’m focus (concentrating)

Viola keeps banging away at the xylophone, giggling and laughing despite her sisters protests. It’s a tight game with no clear winner but the twins are happy they get to spend time with their mama.

Cassandra: Good game my darlings, bedtime now

Savannah: Viola’s not going to bed

Cassandra: Your papa will get her now come on, we can start the new book

Mercedes: YES

The girls get in their pyjamas and climb into bed. Cassandra begins to read but they’re both asleep before the first chapter ends. Smiling she tucks Mercedes in and reaches up to stroke down Savannah’s hair.

Walking into the nursery Cassandra finds a sleepwear wearing Viola clinging to Rahul’s leg while he does his best to encourage her to let go.

Cassandra: Are we not asleep yet

Rahul: She seemed to be waiting for you

Viola detaches herself from Rahul’s leg and toddles up to Cassandra, hugging her leg tight in the same way she was holding onto Rahul.

Cassandra: Oh hey, I love you *kisses forehead* Shall we have a story green bean

Viola nods happily, climbs onto bed and tucks herself under the covers. While Rahul works on cleaning up her latest potty accident Cassandra reads to Viola. Cassandra isn’t sure how much Viola understands but she seems to enjoy it right up until she falls asleep.

With that we’ve reached the end of the Chopra household for this rotation. Next time we’ll get to visit the obstetrician and find out if Cassandra has just one baby on board this time.

Previous ... Next (Romero)

[evansblues]

"The thing is, he’s a coward. but he’s a coward. And he thinks he did the right thing; I pulled cards last night and got another anon that I’ll post in a minute. He’s deluded. You do what you need to do with who he is."

This will be long and you can post or not post but IMO he absolutely did the right thing over con and I'll explain why. It's quite possible that he was advised to just confirm this and move the fuck on with his life and that's why he was feeling happy. Maybe in exchange for confirming he never has to see her again or minimal to no contact. Now to the meat of what I'm going to say; take the cards and the feelings out of this and look at this from a business/relationship aspect; who would it have served for him to sit on that stage and deny the rumors? To not wear his ring? Only a small part of his fandom. Now sit back and think about what it would have looked like for him to deny the rumors; it would have caused him(and her) embarrassment, caused confusion for the general public(why did he wait so long to say something, are they actually a couple, what is the truth?) and created more questions than answers. Lastly and the biggest thing is what would denying the rumors have done for his relationship with the entertainment publications that he NEEDS, yes NEEDS to report on him? Enews, Entertainment Tonight, Page Six, PEOPLE and a host of others. He would essentially be calling them liars and that they didn't do their research before reporting on him. This man is not an A lister anymore; he's not gonna get a ton of chances to make people look like fools. All these publications would have needed to issue retractions and that's not a good look for THEIR reputations. Just confirm and go about your business.

That last sentence is where I'm at right now; I see a weak coward with no backbone who has NO integrity. If he had integrity, it would have never gotten this far. If he had integrity, Ghosted would have been the last time we heard of this woman, but he has none and he's also incredibly weak. If there's one thing I would like a good read on, it's him and the months of may, june and july because something went REAL awry during that time. That podcast in June? He was too relaxed for this woman to really still be heavily in the picture and then we got the disastrous GQ article. I want to say the strike had a lot to do with this progressing this far but I'm not sure. Anyway like I said, post or not. Just in my eyes this was the best course of action. I also don't think he has a good support system in place to help him if he went the other route. It is what it is.

This is an excellent point and I’m sure exactly what he was told. Just keep your head down and go along with it and it’ll be over soon. That’s also exactly why he shouldn’t have; this is a recurring lesson for him in choosing himself over external pressures. He didn’t want to do this, it has made him unhappy, and he ignored his own needs over the logic and potential benefits of just playing along. He can’t be king if he doesn’t choose the right thing over adversity; he can’t stay true to himself if he never does what is best for him others but don’t want him to. This made him sick, lost him tons of fans and his personal image, which I think was reflective of the person he tries to be and partly is already. He was an advocate and they paired him with a racist, and he didn’t stand up for his beliefs. He didn’t stand up for the people he had been vocal for. He didn’t stand up for himself. This is a lesson in choosing what is best for him over the exact arguments you’ve made, because he and his ideals matter more than all of that. Just like in history, where battles were won by people doing what was right despite the dangers and social pressures. Thank you for putting this down, many have asked what he’s afraid of, I think you painted the picture very well of what he was facing. I just think he chose wrong and will suffer consequences for it. He was meant to choose himself.

[robynmizore]

Redemption Special Chapter:

A Hoshidan Birthday

“Hey, Takumi.. when’s your birthday?” Robyn asked suddenly. 

They were sitting next to each other, books in laps in front of the roaring fireplace in Robyn’s room, absorbed in reading. It was nearly the end of the year now, Alfonse’s coronation ball rapidly approaching. Surprisingly, she remembered her own birthday was soon, and while she’d seen the other heroes celebrate birthdays, she’d yet to see the prince even mention his. For some reason, the question prompted a faint blush on the prince’s cheeks. 

“..My birthday? Why are you asking about that?”

”Because I want to celebrate with you, silly!”

”Ah.. is that so?” He glanced away, seeming self conscious. “Well.. when’s yours?” 

“I asked you first!”

”Fine.. let’s both say it on three.” Takumi chuckled. “Three.. two.. one!”

”December 14th!” they both said at the same time. 

“What?! We have the same birthday?!” Takumi exclaimed. 

It would seem they had even more in common than they thought..

”B-but that would mean both our birthdays are..”

”..Tomorrow.” Takumi finished. 

Both stared at each other, faces flushed, eyes wide until at last, Takumi spoke up first. 

“I uh.. I have to go.. d-do something. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

He shot out of the room at the speed of an arrow, and a soft blush covered the Summoner’s cheeks. 

..He’s totally planning something for me.. isn’t he? she thought as affection bubbled in her chest. 

Takumi paced the halls of the Askrian castle restlessly, mumbling to himself. 

“I can’t believe Robyn and I have the same birthday. Hm.. what to get her..” he mused. 

While he wanted to run out to the markets and buy the most beautiful thing he could find, the prince found he was rather indecisive. He was determined to find the courage to confess soon, but their shared birthday wasn’t the time to do so. If he got her something too extravagant, it may raise some questions he wasn’t yet ready to answer. 

“..But its still our first one together, so it’ll still need to be special.”

Takumi was so distracted, he didn’t notice the footsteps stealthily approaching him until the the familiar voice hissed eerily in his ear.

”..Special you say? I know juuuust what you need..” 

Stifling a groan, Takumi turned to face Niles, who was wearing his infamous smirk. 

“Whatever gross idea you have, I’m not interested.” he growled. 

“Aw.. it isn’t gross! Quite the opposite actually!” the thief circled him, Takumi’s eyes narrowing in suspicion.

”You want your precious little Summoner to have the best gift ever, right? Lucky for you, I happen to know exactly what she wants.”

I’m not falling for that!

But then again.. Niles was well aware of his feelings, and was known to be quite observant. Maybe he did actually know what the Summoner wanted. It couldn’t hurt to play along for a little bit.. right?

”F-fine! But don’t try anything funny!”

I’m only doing this for Robyn!

”Wouldn’t dream of it. Okay first, take this long red ribbon and tie it around yourself.”

”Um.. okay.”

Takumi caught the red ribbon with a frown, then slowly tied it around himself. 

“Okay, now repeat after me: Happy birthday! I’m your present!” Niles instructed with a pleasant smile. 

“H-happy birthday, I’m your present- WAIT WHAT?!”

Takumi froze, blushing profusely as the realization of what he just uttered hit him.

”Pft- HAHAHAHA! That’s perfect!” Niles cackled. 

“D-damn it, Niles! I’m going to kill you!” Takumi seethed, his blood boiling with rage and humiliation. 

“Ha, you can kill me after you get out of that ribbon!” the thief taunted. “Have fuuuun~”

”GET BACK HERE!!!” Takumi shouted, but Niles had already retreated down the halls, and when Takumi tried to pursue him, the prince found himself still tangled up in the ribbon. 

“Gods, this is embarrassing. I just hope Robyn doesn’t see me like this..” he muttered. 

“T-Takumi?”

Gods why?! the Hoshidan groaned inwardly as the familiar voice called his name and turned, only to be greeted with the sight of the Summoner wrapped up in a red ribbon, being nudged forward by Gaius and Caledori. 

“Go on, say it!” Caledori encouraged. 

What in the..?!

The Summoner lowered her head sheepishly and mumbled 

“H-happy birthday.. I-I’m your present..”

“YES!!!” Caledori and Gaius whooped, high-fiving.

”Nailed it!”

Gaius’s cheer was cut short by the look of absolute murder that was also known as Takumi’s death glare. 

“You’re both dead..” he deadpanned, and with a quick “oops!”, they took off down the hall.

Rolling his eyes, the prince made his way over to the poor Summoner, who still wouldn’t lift her head to look at him, and he didn’t even need to see her face to know how flustered she was.

”They got you too, didn’t they?” he sighed. “Here, let me help.”

Together, they managed to untangled the ribbons until they both lay on a heap on the ground. 

“Thanks..” Robyn mumbled, then sighed. “..We’re getting them back for that later, right?”

“Oh yeah.”

They parted ways soon after with a promise to meet up in the evening. There was an unspoken agreement that they’d be going to prepare gifts for each other. Robyn hurried to the kitchen, the wheels in her head turning. Her happiest memories were snuggled up by the fireplace with Takumi, especially after a hard night.

I want to make him something that reminds us both of that. Something that’ll show him just how special he is to me.

Takumi wove his way through the market, a huge grin on his face. The small box in his pouch filled him with a sense of warmth. The prince was never really considered warm, and when the topic of gifts came up, he always drew a blank. But the second he laid eyes on it, he knew he had to get it for her. The prince’s pace quickened, his heart fluttering as he made haste back to the castle. 

I’ve never felt this excited for birthdays in the past. Is it because of Robyn?

Robyn carried the box carefully atop a folded blanket, a serene smile on her lips as she headed towards the garden. That was the place where he’d seen her face for the first time, and where’d they’d shared a deeply vulnerable moment. There they would be undisturbed, or so she thought when her eyes spotted a figure sitting up ahead on a candlelit blanket. 

Wait that’s-

“..Takumi?” 

The prince looked up with a start, a small flush overtaking his cheeks when they landed on her. 

“R-Robyn?! Why are you here?!”

”I.. I was setting up something for us here..” the Summoner mumbled, a bit lost for words. 

Takumi stared at her incredulously for a moment, then burst out laughing. 

“Wh-what’s so funny?”

Now it was her then to blush until he finally stopped laughing with a small shake of his head. 

“We’re so alike, we could be twins!” he chuckled. 

Without thinking, Robyn let down her hood and replied 

“Good thing we’re not, because then I couldn’t-“

The words froze on her lips as realization flooded over her, turning her face crimson. 

“..Couldn’t what?” Takumi inquired with a frown as he observed her sudden change in demeanor. 

“Oh.. it’s nothing.” the Summoner replied as she settled on to the candlelit blanket. 

I can’t believe I just almost admitted my feelings so casually!

The prince was still staring at her, intrigued, his head tilted slightly, hazel eyes missing nothing. Thinking quickly, Robyn held out the box to him.

”I um.. I made you a gift? You.. you can open it now if you want..”

”You made me something?”

While he looked a little flustered, there was no denying the way his face lit up, chasing away her embarrassment. Robyn noticed how careful he was as he took the box delicately from her, opening it with great care. Takumi froze at the sight that greeted him, his mouth opening and closing several times. Tears welled in his eyes. 

“Robyn I.. I don’t know what to say..” Takumi whispered, reaching up to hastily dry them. “This is probably the most thoughtful gift anyone has given me..”

Inside the box was an assortment of handmade mochi in all various flavors. But that wasn’t what had brought the tears to his eyes. Robyn had spent a fair amount of time shaping then into the shape of Takumi’s late mother’s headpiece. And seeing the Hoshidan’s response to her efforts made all the work worth it. 

“I know she can’t be here with you today physically, so I thought by making these, you could still feel like she’s here celebrating with us. In her own way.”

Takumi let out a quiet sob, then embraced her tightly. 

“T-thank you. I won’t ever forget this..”

Robyn returned the hug, his scent wreathing around her as his silver hair brushed her cheek.

”I have something for you.” Takumi said, finally pulling back as he gave her a look so warm, it filled her whole body. 

“Oh?”

The prince placed two small round green balls in cups. 

“Just watch.” 

Mystified, Robyn watched as Takumi poured steaming water over them. Her confusion turned to absolute wonder as balls began to slowly unfurl until they formed..

”..A white azalea flower!” Robyn gasped as the flower settled on the bottom of the cup, and the scent of genmaicha hit her nose. “And it’s also my favorite tea?! Takumi, you’re amazing!”

”I’m.. glad you like it.” Takumi replied, smiling as her, a blush on his cheeks from her praise. 

They shared the mochi and tea together in an amicable silence.

”This is more than I could have asked for..” she breathed, soaking in the atmosphere. “..Happy birthday, Takumi.”

”I feel the same.. Happy birthday, Robyn.”

Later that night, Takumi headed for Caledori’s room, his heart fluttering nervously in his chest, and he kept checking over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t being followed, then knocked on her door. The redhead answered immediately, like she’d been expecting him. 

“There you are! Ready for your lesson?”

”Yes.” Takumi replied determinedly, letting her usher him inside and they closed the door. 

Back in her own room, Robyn traced the glowing white flowers that adorned the silver fabric, her eyes softening as pleasant smile made its way to her lips.

It would appear they both had something special planned for the ball…

[wildroseofarran]

The Silent Treatment || Bretan & Olek || April, 2024

Brett: "I'm hooome," Brett announced as he walked through the front door, feeling his entire body sigh in relief as the quiet of his house settled over him. Well, the relative quiet. Woodstock was doing his usual happy song and dance to welcome him home but that wasn't a nuisance. It had been a very, very long day and hearing his dog bark in excitement was music to his ears.

"Hey, buddy." Brett scooped him up and gave him a pet, wondering why he didn't hear Bo until he remembered that his husband had texted him earlier telling him that he'd be going out. "Guess it's just us. You hungry? Where's your brother?" Brett looked around. "Oleeeeek. I brought tunaaaaaa."

Olek: A series of chirps and trills started from the top of the stairs, bouncing gently with every step until reaching the first floor, where a tortoiseshell cat stretched its long legs and yawned, showing off his perfect pearly fangs.

A proper greeting this time in the tone of "Brrrr?" as he trotted over to the ghoul and pretended to use his leg as a scratching post. A little game he played. No claws today.

Brett: Like with Woodstock's barking, there was an instant ridiculous smile on Brett's face the moment he heard that first little chirp. This right here was his reward for the day he'd had.

"Awwww, big yawn," he chuckled, switching the shopping bags he was carrying over to the hand that was still holding Woodstock so he could scratch Olek's head. "Hey, fluffy baby. Did you have a good day? Lots of napping?" His arms were already full but he didn't care; the cat was being scooped up, too.

Olek: Purrect. Maybe someone would find it odd that a cat would hug a human's neck, but not in this house. Quite normal for both Bo and Brett to receive such affection. Same with the curious sniffs at his hair, his face, and when he had the opportunity, his hands.

Brett: There would be plenty of interesting things to smell on Brett today, but almost none of them were particularly pleasant. Aside from the usual scents of his body products and the station and his car, there was sweat, alcohol, car exhaust, and body odor that did not belong to him.

“Ya’ll wouldn’t believe the day I had,” he sighed, nuzzling into Olek and Woodstock’s fur as he carried them to the kitchen. “Lady almost caused a traffic accident because she was texting and ran a light and then tried to argue with me about it when I pulled her over. Oh, and that was after I actually managed to pull her over. She almost took me on a high-speed chase. Why are tourists like that?”

Olek: Well, that sounded terrible and exciting! Better than the scent of ash stuck to his skin after being in the presence of his domitor. The poor man seemed to only have a break at home. Time for some heavy-duty nuzzles to wipe the day from his skin and clothes.

Brett: Only around his animals did Brett feel comfortable enough to giggle, and aggressive cat nuzzles always got him.

“Awwww, thank you, honey.” He kissed Olek’s head and set the bags on the counter and him and Woodstock on the floor.

“I’m gonna go shower and then we’re gonna make some dinner, okay? And we’re not gonna tell Bo about the fresh tuna or the chicken I’m gonna make ya’ll. It’ll be our secret.”

Olek: Fresh?! Not from a can?! Bo's journal had called Olek his familiar - November 2010 - and some days there was no mistaking his awareness. His noises were long and grateful, circling Brett's leg quite recklessly.

Brett: “Oh my goodness!” Brett carefully walked over to the fridge to put everything away, making sure he didn’t one, trip or two, accidentally step on Olek. “Are you so happy, honey? Are you a happy fluffy boy? Watch your feet.”

He was almost certain that if he could’ve, Olek would open the fridge and help himself. His lack of thumbs was all that stood between him and being a little menace.

“I’ll slice it up for you as soon as I’m done, okay? You be good and wait for me.”

Olek: Fine, fine. He would sit on his hunches and wait.

Little did Brett seem to realize, that was exactly what happened when there was no one to entertain him but Woodstock. The many nights when leftovers would go missing, furniture shifted, and Bo's clothes out of order, it had been none other.

They both seemed to have forgotten what he was.

As often as he thought about revealing himself to Brett, asking politely for his aid in breaking his curse, he thought just as often what a terrible idea that was. He'd heard every story of every unsavory incident in his absence. Really, did he want the ghoul to faint? Absolutely not!

So, there he sat, eying the fridge and... maybe he could just... no, no. He'd wait.

Brett: Showering, like coming home and loving on his animals, was always a balm after a hard day. It was one of those comforting little rituals that always seemed to help no matter how he was feeling or how long he spent actually doing it. Feeling better started with feeling clean.

He was gone just shy of fifteen minutes and returned smelling like himself, which was exactly how things should be. “Okay, I’m back. Thank you for being a good, patient boy.”

As he set about getting everything to prep for dinner, he continued telling Olek and Woodstock about his day.

“So after the texting lady, I got called down to the docks because those kids that’ve been sneaking onto people’s boats to party finally got caught. One of them got too drunk and ended up passing out. Owner of the boat found him this morning with his pants half off and sharpie all over his face, snoring away. His friends drew dicks on him while he slept.”

Olek: Woodstock was a bit oblivious to what was being said, but enjoyed the sound of his master's voice. It was Olek who climbed onto the bar stool across from the ghoul and sat handsomely, watching intently as Brett talked about his day. Not the first, and guaranteed not his last.

His eyes softly blinked. He chattered his pleasure at the story and placed his paw on the table. Just testing the waters.

Brett: Brett couldn’t help but smile at the cat. Sweet boy. He always listened so patiently to all of Brett’s rambling, as if he really understood everything Brett was saying.

Granted, he was a magical cat so maybe he actually could. But without the ability Brett had once had to communicate with animals, he’d never know for sure.

The ghoul took that little paw in his hands and gently squished each tiny toe bean in turn. Truthfully, he was kind of grateful he couldn’t talk to Olek. Better to assume that the cat didn’t mind listening than to potentially be asked to quit his yapping all the time.

“Should’ve seen his parents, they were mortified. They’re gonna let him stew in a holding cell for a couple days to teach him a lesson. Hopefully it sticks. Oh, and that meth head is back. Again.”

Brett sighed and went to grab the tuna from the fridge.

“I got the pleasure of helping Peabody chase him down. Guy smelled like he hadn’t showered since Christmas.”

Olek: Brett gave the best massages. Bo avoided him most days, looking at him with eyes most hurtful, confused. The days he did receive attention, it was when the mage was half asleep. Scratches behind his ear, just as he used to.

"Ech," said Olek. That didn't sound pleasant at all.

Brett: “Yep, exactly. It’s just my bad luck that we got the call about him right after we’d had lunch. I almost saw it again.”

Brett shook his head. That particular little scene had all but drained him, literally and figuratively. He would’ve stopped at Guildias’ to fill his tank, so to speak, but his domitor was busy. It would be another day or two before he could top up.

“Peabody hosed him down before we brought him into the station. I swear that water ran brown.” Another shake of his head. “Maybe being roommates with him in holding will scare that kid straight.”

He considered the tuna for a moment before deciding how he wanted to cut it. Sashimi? Yeah, he’d go with that.

Olek: His other paw joined the first. He stretched again. Sleeping sixteen hours a day requires a significant wake-up period. Another yawn and a vigorous shake of his head.

Ah, but what was Brett doing now? He'd stretch his back legs while he watched, trying not to imagine brown water while he enjoyed the scent of tuna.

Brett: “I should tell whoever is on duty to febreeze the car and let it air out overnight so it doesn’t smell for the next six months. County isn’t about to give us the money to have it professionally cleaned.” Even though all the squad cars could certainly use it. God knew B.O. wasn’t the worst thing that seeped into those seats.

“Actually, I think Peabody might still be at the station. He wanted to pull some overtime since he’s saving for his—ow, fuck! Dammit, Brett.”

He’d gotten distracted. He was too busy talking and thinking about the day and not paying enough attention to what he was doing. He’d sliced his hand right open.

He set the knife aside and tried not to drip blood in the floor as he turned to run his hand under the sink.

Olek: Wasn't the first time the sheriff had cut himself while talking. He was a sweet man, but sometimes as clumsy as children. Not all children. One came to mind that was only reckless with spellcasting.

But, he didn't dwell. He was sitting up, craning his head for a better view of the ghoul's injury. How bad was it this time?

Brett: “Don’t worry, buddy, I’m okay,” Brett said soothingly to Woodstock, who was making that little whining noise he made whenever he sensed his owner was in distress.

The ghoul looked over at the cutting board, relieved to see that none of his blood had gotten on Olek’s dinner. At least something had gone right today.

Without thinking, Brett shut the water off and grabbed a paper towel to dry his hands. “I’ll get your chicken going as soon as I’m done with the fish. Actually, you know what?” No harm in putting the water on now. It would take a bit to boil anyway.

But as Brett reached to open the cabinet for a pot, he froze.

Olek: Woodstock whined for many reasons. He was a rather anxious little fellow, but the scent of blood gripped the cat's attention, watching just as intently as the previous conversation. No chirps or trills, just waiting.

The scent had yet to dissipate, and that was... new.

Brett: Brett was staring at his outstretched hand as if in a daze, heartbeat quickening and chest tightening.

Over the years he’d become accustomed to shrugging off minor injuries. Bumps and bruises seemed to practically heal themselves with very little effort on his part and normally, something as simple as a cut would’ve begun to heal before he’d even managed to turn the sink on.

But that could only happen if he’d been fed recently, or if he hadn’t been using his abilities.

The day he’d been telling Olek about had drained him. Quite literally. It had taken a great amount of strength and effort to wrangle the meth head, even with Peabody’s help. The chase had left Brett exhausted and without the ability to heal himself as he usually did.

The cut on his hand had remained open and, having been deeper than he’d first thought, was now steadily bleeding.

Onto the floor and onto his skin.

It was the stomach-churning sensation of it running across his hand that had Brett snapping out of it and bolting for the sink again, desperately scrubbing at his hand under the full blast of the tap turned as hot as it could go.

Olek: This wasn't normal. He knew normal, having lived under their collective roofs and seen Brett nearly every single day for years. He would wince, cringe at the sight of blood, and heal himself. It was the way of things, and yet blood stained the immaculate floor like sloppy drippings of chartreuse paint. He didn't have to know its true color to recognize the scent.

Brett could walk himself to the car and drive to the hospital, but he wasn't. He was no different than an anxious child on the verge of tears.

That's right... he was afraid of blood now. A story he had not witnessed. Something about Woodstock? A vampire? Something, he forgot.

If ever there was a time to be helpful before the ghoul scraped skin away in desperation.

His transformation was slow. It had been some weeks since he had snuck out of the house, exploring Edenton in human form. Precious time to allow his limbs to elongate, his fur to recede. Brett was too busy to notice a man of over 6 feet, in linin trousers, V-neck shirt, long cardigan and scarf manifest just feet away.

"Brett," came a gently warm, soothing voice.

Brett: In truth, Brett wouldn’t have noticed if god had descended from heaven and appeared in the kitchen. All he could see, all he could focus on, was the hot water washing over the cut on his hand.

What blood there had been had quickly been rinsed away but Brett could still see and feel it. His hand wasn’t clean. It wouldn’t be clean until the cut had healed but maybe if he scrubbed a little harder and maybe if the water was a little bit hotter, it would be. He had to try. He had to be clean.

He heard his name, or thought he did, but it sounded very far away. It was probably his imagination. Like the hearts on the tile. Like the scent of lavender.

He reached for the dish sponge so he could scrub harder and didn’t realize his vision had blurred because of the tears in his eyes.

Olek: His name wasn't enough to interrupt the panic stinging his eyes and trembling his hands.

Human form had been avoided in Brett's presence for this very reason. He was a capable ghoul, a good husband, a man of strong morals suitable for his profession, but an innocent flighty creature.

"Brett," he said again, more firmly to be heard above the faucet. "Look at - Look at Olek, please."

Swift thinking, he held his hands up, elbows to his ribs, submissive and unarmed, for the sheriff's peace of mind.

Brett: It wasn’t his name but his cat’s that finally got Brett’s attention and made him look away from the sink, though what he saw did nothing to calm to his panic.

What it did do was make him freeze again.

A man—a man he did not recognize—was standing with him in the kitchen. He must have been he one that had spoken, and somehow knew both his name and Olek’s.

Brett’s teary gaze searched this stranger’s face first with trepidation, and then with confusion. A question was beginning to penetrate through the haze.

Why wasn’t Woodstock barking at this stranger?

Olek: At least he wasn't screaming. That was progress! The familiar did his best to keep his expression gentle, his voice calm and his movements fluid.

"Good. Yes." Fingertips softly tapped over his heart. "Olek. I'm... I'm Olek. Yes." The simpler he kept his words, the easier, he assumed, it would be to wade through his anxiety.

He then pointed to the ghoul's hand.

"I... help?"

Brett: …Olek? The stranger was Olek?

Brett peered around the stranger at the barstool where Olek had been sitting while he’d cut his tuna. It was empty.

He looked down at the floor, but all he saw was Woodstock sitting at his feet, still making his anxious little noises and ignoring the man completely. There was no cat in sight.

His mind wasn’t exactly cooperating at the moment but…he couldn’t seem to find a reason to doubt what he was being told.

He gave a cautious nod.

Olek: Strands of blond, brown, and black were combed back from his eyes. He took a cautious step closer, then another. Eventually, he cupped his hands in offer.

With his aversion to red, he assumed Brett would look away. He didn't have to wonder what the color really looked like. He had an assumption in his dreams. Not at all his lovely blues and greens.

He remembered when Bo was a teenager, what helped him, and took a slow breath.

"Mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this, Mama said..."

Not full voice. One could barely call it singing, just above a whisper. His attempt at keeping the atmosphere light, as he pressed his thumb against the wound. First, to stop the bleeding, and then with a sympathetic wince, he pressed harder, numbing the area.

"Mama said there'll be days like this..."

Brett: Was this all just his imagination? Brett couldn’t help but wonder as he held out his hand to this man that wasn’t a man but actually his cat.

Even though his hand was starting to bleed again, Brett didn’t panic or become fixated on it again. He was too busy staring at the man’s face. It would’ve been more than enough distraction even before he started to sing.

His voice was nice. Gentle. And it gave such a surreality to the situation that it was actually keeping him grounded while his wound was taken care of.

Was this really Olek? Could Olek turn into a human because he was a magic cat? Had he been able to do it this whole time? Why hadn’t Brett seen him like this before?

So many questions to keep him calm and distracted.

Olek: There was the bleeding, and his hand should have been sufficiently numb, as if circulation had been cut for a few minutes. A temporary fix as he continued. This would have been over sooner had he put his mouth to the wound, but intuition told him not to dare attempt with a ghoul, so instead, he pinched. Pinch and mend, pinch and mend.

"Olek - I thought you were going to faint." Not just now, but seeing him... ever.

Brown-green eyes looked up from the wound, and his smile easily reached them.

Back to singing.

Brett: The numbness almost tempted him to look down at his hand but he didn’t dare. He knew better than to push himself when he didn’t need pushing.

It was enough to know that Olek was helping him.

Brett nodded. That was a fair assumption to make. He still could, but he didn’t think he would. He didn’t feel like he was in danger or anything.

“Why…” He swallowed. “Why haven’t…?”

Olek: The inevitable question. They would work through it slowly, like this wound. He took a deep breath from his nose, and kept his smile on his features.

"Because I didn't want to scare you."

Brett: He frowned. “Then…why didn’t Bo tell me?”

Olek: "He did."

Brett: “He did?” Had Brett forgotten? No, that was impossible. He’d remember being told their cat could turn into a person, wouldn’t he? But maybe…

Olek: "He said, 'Look, Olek is familiar,'" he pointed to an invisible book, flipped a nonexistent page.

Brett: “Fam—ohhh.” Olek was right. Bo had told him about Olek being a familiar after finding that information in his diary but until now, it hadn’t occurred to Brett to wonder what that actually meant.

Magic cat didn’t just mean magic cat; it apparently meant a magic cat who could turn into a person.

“Wait, then do you…turn into a person…around Bo?”

Olek: The familiar shook his head.

"All better. Olek clean. Don't look."

Brett: Brett didn’t need to be told twice. He closed his eyes and covered them with his other hand for good measure.

Olek: There he was, moving about the house as a part of it. Wetting paper towel and setting to work on the floor, another for the counter while he hummed.

"Better?" not physically, of course. He knew as much. No more tears?

Brett: Even after Olek spoke again, it was still another couple of seconds before Brett worked up the nerve to open his eyes.

They were, in fact, free of tears and a little clearer. Not as panicked.

He nodded. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

Olek: Olek's smile immediately ached with its intensity. "Good." The stained paper towels were shoved all the way down to the bottom of the trash bag. Out of sight out of mind.

"You need practice."

Brett: Was this really his cat? Brett had no reason to doubt it but it was still so surreal. He’d seen magic before but this was different.

Magic didn’t usually put an entire person in front of him.

“Practice?”

Olek: "Mm. No more fear. No crying. Why didn't you heal? The color?"

Brett: “Oh. Um…” Brett subconsciously rubbed at his freshly healed hand.

“I’m low on uh…I think I used my abilities too much today and I need to go see…”

Olek: "Oh." He didn't know how to feel about Brett's circumstances. Reminded him too much of Bo's predicament, and everything that followed. His master must have really changed to allow this relationship to flourish. Good? Bad? It wasn't that simple.

"I... should have..." he gestured to his face, "...sooner."

Brett: He’d never thought about disappointing his cat, and he really hoped that having to give that answer hadn’t done it.

Brett shook his head. “No, please don’t be sorry. You couldn’t have guessed how I’d react. Expecting me to faint was a fair assumption to make.”

Olek: At least he took it in stride. That made him laugh, light and bubbly.

Brett: Brett couldn’t have fought his smile if he’d wanted to. Olek’s laugh was so cute. It made him want to—

His eyes widened.

How often did he kiss and cuddle Olek? How many times had he done it today alone? There wasn’t a day that went by without Brett babying him and now—

“Does—does it bother you how affectionate I am? I’m so sorry if it’s ever made you feel uncomfortable.”

Olek: Brett's widening eyes widened his own, though not with worry, but playfully mirroring his expression, smile still warm on his features.

"If I didn't want it, you'd know." Playfully, he swiped a manicured hand over Brett's chest.

Brett: Yes, he supposed that was true. Olek had never been shy about letting them know when he didn’t like something. Still, he didn’t quite know how to feel now that he’d seen Olek’s human face.

Would it bother Bo? He’d never said anything but…

“Oh god, you’ve seen—” Everything. Olek had seen absolutely everything.

Olek: Fingers came up to his lips, trying his best not to laugh, and failing gloriously. It was nice seeing Brett like this. Better than what was happening minutes ago. This was much better.

"Your secret's safe with me. All of them."

Brett: “Oh god,” Brett repeated, chucking helplessly as he covered his quickly reddening face with his hands. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

He wouldn’t be stepping out of the bathroom without wearing at least a towel from now on. Olek didn’t need to see all that.

Olek: Maybe Brett needed a little reminder that it really was alright, and the man before him really was just as accepting as the cat he had known. He reached out, wrapping long pale fingers around Brett's wrists, bringing them away just far enough to press a warm kiss between his eyes. A gesture so often done with nuzzles and licks just yesterday. Feel familiar?

Brett: If he needed any more evidence that the man before him really was Olek, how okay Brett was being touched by him proved it beyond all doubt. This man who didn’t like to be touched by anyone but his nearest and dearest didn’t feel the slightest unease or discomfort being touched and kissed by Olek.

Why should he when Olek gave him kisses just like that one all the time?

Brett smiled as some of his shyness dissipated. Very familiar indeed. “You know, I was really happy the first time you did that. It felt like you’d finally accepted me.”

Olek: "You treat my master so well." His voice was nothing more than a whisper. Their conversation was private. Not even for Woodstock's oblivious ears. "You're not a mage, but you're mine, too."

A glance was given to the clock stove, to the tuna forgotten on the counter.

"He'll be home, soon."

Brett: “I try my best.” Hearing that had warmth blooming in Brett’s chest. It was nice to hear someone he loved laying claim to him in such a gentle way.

“You better eat that tuna before I get scolded for spoiling you. Unless…do you not want to see Bo in this form?”

Olek: And, there it was. Did they have time to talk about this? He looked at the clock again. His chest caved with an exhale.

"I can't."

Brett: “You can’t? Are you not allowed to?”

Olek: Thank his lucky stars this wasn't a curse he couldn't discuss. Those were far too common!

But, he needed to be comfortable talking about this, so he took to the counter and crossed his legs.

"When he left," he gestured long ago, "Ol - I said to him, don't go. Bad feeling," he patted his stomach. The more he spoke, the more his amalgamation accent came shining through. "He said I was paranoid, emotional. I said he never listen to me, and called him hjerteløs. We wouldn't take back words. I said 'Olek's not speaking to you until you apologize!' and then, he said 'never!' and we curse," he pointed between himself and the door, where Bo would eventually return.

"And then he didn't come home. And he... didn't come home. And then he comes home and he's... not... him."

Brett: Brett’s heart broke a little more with every word Olek spoke, for both him and Bo. To think that Olek had correctly sensed something would happen. To think that maybe if Bo had listened then none of what he’d gone through would’ve happened.

It was a nightmare that never seemed to end, even when they thought it had. Poor Olek had never even gotten that small comfort.

The height of the counter wouldn’t deter Brett from hugging the man sitting on it. He was tall enough to reach and glad for it.

Olek: He saw just in time to uncross his legs. Coming from the ghoul, he knew this sympathy to be genuine. His back hunched, arms draped over Brett's shoulders. With the weight of his cheek buried in his hair, he closed his eyes. He felt he should be comforting him, not the other way around, so he did.

"It's all right. I thought... I thought one day, he would remember. It's... boring, waiting. But... I thought you'd be scared."

Brett: Brett didn’t know what it said about him that feeling blood on his skin scared him far more than seeing a cat turn into a man. Probably that he’d seen too much.

“I think we’ve all hoped that he would, someday,” he said softly, rubbing Olek’s back. “But I think, at this point, we have to make peace with the fact that those memories are gone. Who Bo used to be doesn’t exist anymore. There’s only the man he is now.”

He sighed and hugged Olek a little tighter. “Would you like me to talk to him? To tell him what you just told me and that I saw you in this form?”

Olek: That was a statement he'd never heard before. Eight years, and he had missed the part where someone had said that. The curse was broken, but that didn't mean his memories weren't in a jar somewhere they could break. Maybe they were, but no one was looking. Maybe.

But this Bo... didn't know him at all.

"I first saw him when he was nine. He was crying. I thought, that's too young to be so lonely. So, I waited. It didn't get any better. He's still... " my boy.

He nuzzled into Brett's hair, if only to prevent tears.

"Ok," he said wetly, "Yes."

Brett: If there was a jar, it was probably Bo’s journals. They were all his husband had of his old life. His old memories.

But Brett was certain that if a way did exist for Bo to recover everything he’d lost, that Bo would either find it or find someone who could.

Brett’s heart broke again for that lonely little boy.

He nodded. “He’s still that kid to you, right? You see him and see your Bo.”

Subconsciously, Brett had begun swaying back and forth ever so gently, almost rocking Olek. “I’ll help you get him back. I promise.”

Olek: All this time, at least Bo had someone to hold him, to take his hand when he wanted to throw something, to weigh him down against sleepwalking. To be there when he couldn't with hands and voice and power.

He was nigh immortal. He would continue on long after Bo's death, but he had missed eight years of conversations, of usefulness. It had been fine, under the assumption one day Bo would remember the man on the train. He didn't have every ounce of information. Now he had a little more, and it stung.

"He's my boy," he agreed, forcing himself to sit up. "But he's not a child. He's my favorite person. I can tell him everything, but... he won't want it."

Brett: “No, he’s not a child. But accepting you, accepting this?” He gestured at Olek. “Means getting another piece of himself back. He’s a smart man. Even when his anger gets the best of him he can still think. You owe it to yourself to try. And I owe it to you, too.”

Olek: "You owe me?"

Brett: Brett nodded. “For taking care of the person I love most. For never giving up on him. For listening to me ramble every day. For putting up with me.”

Olek: He was shaking his head before he finished. "Olek doesn't put up with you," he said without hesitation, without thinking, even. "Olek loves you."

Brett: Olek was getting another hug. An even tighter one this time.

“I love you, too, fluffy baby.”

Olek: The familiar snorted, and buried his face in Brett's hair again to bury some of his laughter. Hearing that in human form was even sweeter. Maybe Brett wasn't thinking, either.

Brett: Brett definitely wasn’t. But even if he was thinking, he’d have done the same thing. ‘Fluffy baby’ was Olek’s nickname regardless of what form he was in.

“Go on and eat your tuna. Bo will be back any minute.”

Olek: Eating in this form was a luxury these days. The only money still in his pocket were kroner. He hadn't studied every intricate detail of American dollars to perfectly conjure, yet.

He took a piece of tuna between his fingers and tilted his head back. Perfect flavor.

"My favorite," he sighed. Bliss. "Bowls of rice and fish and fish eggs. Nothing better."

Brett: Brett made a mental note of that. If at all possible, he wanted Olek to be able to have his favorite meal as often as he could.

That heavily depended on whether Brett would be able to get through to Bo, but he refused to be pessimistic about that.

“I’ll get you some fresh fish more often. Would be a shame to live in a fishing town and only have access to the canned stuff.”

Olek: "I've done," what was the word? "...gateforestilling downtown." He felt in his pocket, pulling out a small wad of wrinkled kroner, dropped on the counter. "When I want another taste, or bored," he smiled.

The front door rattled, buttons pushed and a woman's voice announcing Bo's entrance. A smart house, just like the last, and the last Brett would see of Olek as he immediately shrank, dropping the last piece of tuna he had pinched in his fingers.

And just like that, the forest cat was sprinting upstairs.

Brett: “Do you—” Before Brett could get the question out, the electronic lock was heralding Bo’s arrival and Olek was gone. He’d moved so fast that Brett half expected him to leave a little cloud of dust behind.

“Hey baby,” Brett called to his husband, shoving the money in his pocket and tossing the last little bit of tuna to Woodstock.

Bo: Keys and wallet were tossed in the black bowl near the door. Shoes softly clacked from the floor to the white rug, to the kitchen limestone. Today was a suit. Already adjusting his tie when he laid eyes on his husband.

A cursory glance later, "Busy day?" barely a questioning inflection.

Brett: Brett was smiling before Bo even walked into the kitchen. His mage looked like a million bucks, but then he always did. “Very busy and very tiring. One stupid thing after another. Yours?”

Bo: "I paid your vampire a visit." He had kept this secret under his tongue for weeks. Was high time to explain. "Invested in his business." And exchanged points of interest. "We've had a conversation about his situation, yours, mine. The town is continuing to grow. Touching base was necessary."

Brett: Brett blinked at his husband. "You did? When?" It couldn't have been today, Guildias had said he was busy. Or maybe what he had been busy with was this meeting with Bo? Although if that was the case, wouldn't he have told Brett?

Whatever the case, this certainly wasn't information he expected to be getting today. He didn't quite know how to feel about it.

"Did it go...well?"

Bo: His tie was pulled away entirely, folded, and placed on the kitchen counter. He could smell seafood but didn't see seafood. Where was his cat?

"Of course." He wasn't the tongueless child Guildias had met years ago. When he spoke, it was with authority now.

"You look tired."

Brett: It didn't go unnoticed that Bo had only answered one of his questions, but given what was in Brett's plans, he didn't think it would be wise to push. Besides, asking when Bo had gone to see Guildias was only for his own curiosity.

Brett nodded. "I am. It was a very long, very chaotic day. What would you like for dinner?"

Bo: Something comforting, he thought. What was the most comforting thing Brett could make?

"Soup and sandwich." By sandwich, he meant open-faced, filled to capacity with just about anything and everything from the fridge. He couldn't remember the details of Norwegian childhood, but certainly the cuisine still resonated.

"Are you going to tell me about your day?"

Brett: “Coming right up,” he said with a smile. “Is potato and leek soup okay?” As for the sandwich, Bo would be offered a choice between rye and whole wheat bread.

He nodded. “Which part do you want to hear about first? Speeding lady, meth head, or the teenager who woke up with penises drawn all over his face?”

Bo: "All in one day?" The city really was growing. Or deteriorating. He didn't know which. Probably both. Growth and deterioration were probably bedfellows.

He took to the stool nearest his husband.

"Did anyone hurt you?"

Brett: “Yep, alllll in one day. Started the day with the speeding lady.” He shook his head. “Tourists.”

Time to wash and chop vegetables for soup.

“Nope, no one hurt me. Not even the meth head, although it helped that Peabody and I went after him together. We got worn out but there were no injuries. Unless you count having to smell the guy on the drive back to the station.”

Bo: Bo nodded once, satisfied to know Brett hadn't needed to heal and conceal an injury before his return. Wouldn't have been the first time, but now he was in the habit of asking.

"I don't miss the station," was a lie.

Brett: “The station sure misses you,” Brett said with a grin, paying closer attention to the knife in his hand this time. He didn’t want a repeat of a little while ago.

“Two people in particular.”

Bo: "There's only two people ever there," he smirked.

Brett: Brett beamed at his husband. “And they both miss you a whole awful lot. Come and have lunch with me tomorrow. I don’t have to go out on patrol.”

Bo: "Fine," he said, softly. The station was generally avoided these days for no other reason than memories. A rare precious thing, but he didn't appreciate the man he was when riddled with a killing curse.

You're the only reason I'm here, he thought.

"Do you need me?" in the kitchen.

Brett: He shook his head. “Go and shower and get changed. Dinner won’t be long, I’ll give you a shout when it’s ready.”

Bo: Back from the stool, then, taking his tie with a heavy hand.

"I have something I want to discuss after dinner. Ideas for the house. Spells," he said, disappearing from view for the stairs.

"God ettermiddag, Olek," heard seconds later.

Brett: “Okay, we’ll do that. I’ve got something to talk to you about, too.”

The greeting to Olek made Brett smile. With any luck, Bo’s relationship with his familiar could be fully repaired and they’d have the comfort of their bond in its entirety. He wanted that for both of them so much.

Bo/Olek: Brett’s statement followed him up the stairs and to the shower. Olek leapt from his arms onto the tightly made bed of black and white, turned three times, and collapsed with a familiar comforting chirp.

The Etherite stared, wondering why, if what he had written was true, he had only mentioned Olek once in his journal. He stared, and the cat stared back.

His shower was long and searing. His thoughts were static and independent.

"What did you want to talk about?" Bo called from the top of the stairs.

Brett: When Bo returned, soup was simmering on the stove and the fridge was being raided for sandwich ingredients.

There had been basically no time between his conversation with Olek and Bo coming home, so Brett had barely had any time at all to think about how he was going to broach the subject. But maybe that was a good thing. It left less room for overthinking and worrying.

Sincerity was the only viable way forward. Sincerity and optimism.

Brett looked toward the stairs when he heard his husband’s voice and smiled, taking a deep breath.

“Olek,” he said simply. “I talked to him today.”

Bo: "You talk to him every day."

Bo turned the corner in black silk pajamas, hair still damp and nearly reaching his eyebrows. He was well overdue for a haircut.

Brett: He nodded. “I do, yeah. And usually when I talk to him, he’s a cat. Today was different.”

His voice was level, his demeanor calm. They could’ve been talking about absolutely anything.

“Today when I was talking to him, he turned into a person.”

Bo: A lot was going on behind Bo's stillness. The kind of stillness that usually followed deadpan seething and perhaps something broken. Words behind teeth when dealing with the unenlightened. Brett was neither an annoyance nor ignorant. The stillness was for himself, because what followed Brett's words was... nothing. Not a single tickle in his ear canal.

His husband wasn't lying.

"That's ridiculous," he heard himself say anyway. "He's never..."

Brett: Brett was braced for anger. For confusion. For flat out denial. He was ready for whatever his husband’s reaction might be and intended to meet it head on.

He nodded. “I was surprised, too. I almost couldn’t believe it until he reminded me he was a familiar. Makes sense that a magic cat can turn into a person.”

There were times when Brett let his voice become soothing and gentle to comfort Bo but this wasn’t the situation for that. It was liable to make it worse.

In cases like these, he made sure to speak calmly and rationally and answer every single question he was asked clearly because that was what his husband required to process things.

“I know he hasn’t. I asked him why he’d never shown himself as a person to me and he told me it was because he didn’t want to scare me. I also asked him if he’d ever shown himself to you and he told me he hadn’t since you’d reunited with him because he can’t.”

If given the go ahead to explain, Brett would repeat the story that Olek had told him about his last conversation with Bo.

Bo: What made anything out of Brett's mouth from this moment forward complicated was hearsay. He was telling the truth, his truth. It could have been a lie, but it wasn't in his belief, so what was Bo supposed to do with that?

How could he feel sorry for something he couldn't remember? He didn't possess that amount of sincerity for anyone.

His eyes closed. And then, a scoff.

"When we weren't around... he could have written a note. He could have said something in the fucking door cam if he really wanted. And I'm supposed to - I'm supposed to believe that?"

Brett: “I don’t know if the door cam would be a viable option since he can’t show himself to you, but if he did write you a note, would you believe it?”

Without his memories, Bo had absolutely no reason to believe Olek’s story. All they had to pin their hopes on was whether he’d believe and listen to Brett, and there were no guarantees there.

“If I asked him to write you a letter or I don’t know…recorded his voice so you could hear his explanation from him, would you be willing to listen?”

Bo: Bo held his hands out. The typical stop signal when teetering on a razor's edge. He leaned himself against the wall, staring at the floor. It wasn't Brett. No... No anger with his husband.

It was that small part of himself that refused to believe he had cursed someone unintentionally. Or it had been intentional, and then, what happened to him days later...

That small part was metastasizing rapidly.

"How many people can lie to you. To you?"

Brett: Brett nodded and stopped. He was pushing it. He could practically feel that he was pushing it. The fact that he’d managed to relay Olek’s entire story was already a major accomplishment, and he was grateful to have done that much at least.

The rest was in Bo’s hands.

“Not very many,” Brett said quietly. “I’m a cop. I’m a ghoul. It’s hard for an average human to lie to me but I’m not infallible. Someone who really knows what they’re doing could get one over on me.”

Bo: "Does it sound..." He couldn't ask that. He couldn't ask if it sounded like something he would have done. With the first uttered words, reality came down heavy on his shoulders, visibly sagging.

Brett: He didn’t know what Bo had been about to ask, but he could guess.

Does it sound like something I would’ve done?

Brett went around the counter to stand before his husband, close enough to offer comfort and touch should Bo desire it.

“Do you remember what I used to tell you on days when your curse really got to you or you had an outburst?”

Bo: The duel of his personality, wanting to swat Brett away, while reaching out to press the tip of his fingers against his husband's chest. Not a push, but to feel his strength. His pillar.

He shook his head. In this moment, he couldn't recall anything in his attempt to imagine what Olek looked like on two legs.

Brett: “The person you used to be isn’t the person you are now.”

Brett wanted so badly to pull his mage into his arms, to soothe and comfort him, but he’d never given in to the impulse before and he wouldn’t now. Bo needed a pillar so an immovable pillar he would be.

“Even if you had all your memories, you still wouldn’t be the same person. The big, awful things that happen to us shape us but the little mundane things do too.”

Bo: "You've heard every journal. How can you say that? I've always had big, awful things. This is the longest I've not been... used, or cursed, or..."

Brett: “You’ve always had the little mundane ones, too. And I’d be willing to bet that Olek was the source of a lot of them before you met me. The big, awful things aren’t all that you are, Bo.”

Bo: "You want that?" he whispered. The way Brett made it sound, Olek... was his Brett. Was he that selfless?

Brett: “I just…don’t want you to close the door on potentially getting back someone who’s cared about you and loved you for so much of your life and hasn’t stopped. I understand that it’s hard to apologize for something that you don’t remember, and you don’t have to make a decision right this second, but I think you should really think about it.”

Brett gave his husband an eternally soft smile. “I want you to have all the love you possibly can.”

Bo: Pressed fingers slid down Brett's chest, reaching out for his hand to grasp. If it was a desperate hold he wouldn't admit it.

And neither of them knew, upstairs, sitting on the top step, was a man-shaped familiar, elbows on his knees, picking at his thumbnail with his teeth.

"What does he look like? I'm not - I'm not apologizing to a cat face." He wanted to picture a human face.

Brett: Bo would easily find his husband’s hand, warm and strong and ready to hold his, just like always.

“Tall,” was the first thing that came to mind as Brett recalled Olek’s appearance. “Over six feet. Pale. His eyes are brown with a little bit of green. Hair’s dark and longer than both of ours, and there’s some lighter brown and blond in it. He has a sweet face. Sweet smile.”

Bo: "You like him," wasn't a question. Brett wouldn't regard anyone as fondly without merit. Bo was obligated to thank him, no matter anything else. The familiar had been there in his absence. He could only imagine the state he would have found Brett in without his assistance. Another peek into the familiar he had known and possibly loved.

Fingers curled tightly.

"I'm going upstairs."

Brett: “I do.” It was Olek. How could Brett not like him?

He nodded and gave the briefest kiss to Bo’s hand. “Okay, baby. Dinner’s almost done. Want me to bring you a tray or call you when it’s ready? Whatever you want.”

Bo: "I'll be back." Appearing upstairs or calling had the potential to break his concentration. He had no idea how long it would take for him to face the familiar. He couldn't pretend this wasn't his fault. The longer he dwelled on the number of years under a curse compared to his own, the heavier the guilt burdened his shoulders. His death curse had lasted just over a year. The familiar's burden had lingered since May of the same year.

Every emotion swelled with every step to the second floor. There at the top of the stairs was his cat. A hundred questions accumulated. Why hadn't he tried to write a letter? Why hadn't he tried for Brett sooner? Caution, Brett had explained. His husband wasn't that skittish. Why didn't Olek lock him in that day, and spared them both this pain?

Was it pain? Was that the ache in his chest? No, it was anger. Or both. Many days he went without knowing the difference between hurt and rage. What had his familiar ever done to help? Why did he omit him from the pages of his journal?

Instinct told him protection. Not once did he write about Brett. Not his progress, not his love and care and therapy. In case someone were to read about him. The pages were selfish, possessive, loving.

The forest cat followed behind his retreating figure. Brett would hear the master bedroom door slide shut. Left unlocked.

Minutes passed in silence stretching beyond an hour. And then a crash.

Brett: Respecting Bo’s wishes, Brett remained downstairs and finished preparing dinner while his husband took what Brett assumed to be some time to gather his thoughts. He’d received a lot of information that had no doubt brought up a lot of emotions; it was normal for him to need a second or two to digest it all.

When the soup finished without Bo’s return, Brett cleaned the kitchen and fed Woodstock. When half an hour passed and he still hadn’t appeared, Brett started a load of laundry and turned on the TV.

Only when he heard the crash would Brett rush upstairs.

Unlocked or not, he knocked on their bedroom door before he entered.

“Bo? Are you all right?”

Bo/Olek: The crash had been a vase of Bo's design. Made of snowflake obsidian, once the home of various white flowers dried years ago, now lay shattered by the wall leading to the bathroom.

On the floor at the foot of the bed was Bo, curled in the fetal position, face hidden, shoulders tight, sobbing like a child as mute as he'd once been.

Cradling him was Olek, long and human, lip bleeding, arms around his master's shoulders and head.

It was Olek who looked up, smiling despite his fractured jaw and split lip, eyes like glass.

Thank you, he mouthed.

Brett: Brett might’ve wondered how someone could smile when they’d clearly just taken a hit, but he understood the sentiment perfectly. If he had spent years not being able to hold and talk to someone he loved, they could shoot him and Brett knew he would smile because he finally had them back. That’s how he imagined Olek was feeling at this moment.

He nodded at the familiar and smiled before stepping back out, closing the door softly behind him. Olek and Bo had been without each other for a long time; they needed some privacy.

[tyrannosaurusrexdale]

THE CALAMARI KID

[SUNDAY, 7:12 PM]:

Okay, I know it’s been a while since our last session and that email is an unconventional way to talk to you. Some work changes (beyond my control) resulted in my getting a pay reduction and I took a break from scheduling appointments. But I know it's going to be temporary and it'll be back to normal soon so please we can just roll with this for now?

So, I know we talked about my dad, and his career. He was in a movie that came out in 1980, called “The Calamari Kid”, it was a low budget little thing, he said it was right before he was going to quit acting and get a job selling Lincolns with my Uncle Glen, well, the movie turned out to be a hit. People loved it. It made a whole bunch of money (for who I have no idea). I think I told you some of this. So it’s the 40th anniversary this year and the town in Maine where it supposedly took place is having a big festival about the movie. The director, some of the crew, Susan Wilkes and Gary Dunkel are all gonna be there. My dad can’t make it cause of his heart and everything else so they invited me in his place! It’s been really nuts this week and honestly it’s a little overwhelming. I know your office has been calling me about some unpaid sessions but I would really appreciate an email in return. Whenever you can.

[TUESDAY, 9:35 AM]:

Okay, just wanted to see if you got my last email or if you have but haven’t had a chance to respond to it. I know it’s a complicated situation but I was just curious, I guess. This festival thing is really occupying my thoughts. You won’t believe this. The mayor called me today so say that they’re unveiling a statue of my dad in the town! They want to immortalize the Calamari Kid! It's that part when he dramatically takes off his sunglasses in his first scene, that was the very first time anyone’s ever done that in a movie! It seems strange to me but they verified it with a film historian so that’s pretty cool. I’m having a little anxiety thinking about spending so much time next to the ocean but I’m hoping that once I see it for the first time I’ll feel a bit better. My flight is tomorrow!

[WEDNESDAY, 3:49 PM]:

I just landed in town and checked into my hotel room. This is already turning out to be crazier than I expected. There were at least two people on the flight there in costume from the movie and they kept looking over at me and whispering. I thought it would be flattering but I felt just a little uncomfortable! And then in the airport, one guy was filming me with his phone, as I grabbed my bag and got into a cab, he shouted at me that he still loved my dad, no matter what he’d done on the set of the movie. I didn’t think that that many people knew about that whole thing but maybe they do! But they had a big banner at the airport welcoming fans of the movie and my hotel is pretty nice! American Colonial! They have an omelette station and everything!

[THURSDAY, 2:29 PM]:

Hey so the weekend has gotten off to a pretty good start! This morning I got to go to the mayor's office and meet some local people. A few of the movie people were there, Susan Wilkes, I told you about her! She played the beach lifeguard and was in a few scenes with my dad. Very friendly woman. A little too friendly, honestly. She came right up to me and held my face and told me how much I looked like my dad and kept saying "what could have been, what could have been." I didn't realize Susan was such a fan of my dad! She mentioned she has a daughter around my age that she seems really proud of. I thought the mayor was pretty excited but when he shook my hand he seemed to stare right through me. Did I upset him? Not sure. Feel like this would be an exciting thing for his town! Gary Dunkel wasn't here but I hear he's in town already. I'll probably see him soon! Great start to the weekend so far!

[FRIDAY, 12:14 PM]:

Interesting time this morning. I went to brunch with a local fan group and as I left the restaurant, one of the townspeople definitely threw a rock in my direction and yelled something about my dad. I didn't see who did it but I think some of the costume guys went over there and sorted them out. It was a more violent encounter than I expected, I have to say. A lot of tension in the air in this town, ha ha!

[FRIDAY, 4:06 PM]:

Susan Wilkes keeps trying to get me to have sex with her daughter. She’s really not shy about it at all! I saw her at the breakfast this morning and she kept telling me how the women in her family keep their husband’s stomachs full and balls empty. I don’t think I like that! She said it in front of a waiter! I would try to avoid her the rest of the weekend but we’re sitting together at a panel tonight and the unveiling Sunday so I don't know how that's gonna go, ha ha!

[SATURDAY, 9:40 AM]:

I have to tell you about the opening reception!! I couldn't believe it. They had it at this restaurant that they named after my dad. 'The Calamari King!' Incredible. I even hung out with the owner for a bit and as you can imagine this is a big weekend for him. He gets a lot of business from fans of the movie every year on Memorial Day. He also mentioned that "they", whoever that is, broke his window a few weeks back and that people have been speeding past his place at night and honking their horns. These small towns are so interesting with all their stories.

Susan put some money in my pocket last night (about four hundred dollars) so I might be able to take care of those invoices soon enough. She's an exceptionally generous woman! She mentioned that when they were filming the movie she pitched what she called a “beautiful, intimate scene” with my dad to the director but he turned it down. I thought that was a very forward thing to say but it’s nice to find these little tidbits about the movie. Did you know that it was mostly financed by the South African government? Found that out yesterday! Wow!

Also, I’m thinking about it and I could have sworn I saw Gary Dunkel outside the reception Friday night. He was pacing around and smoking, and looked really angry at someone inside. At least I think it was him! I haven't seen him since I was a kid but he looked really rough! The suit he was wearing looked like he found it in the garbage! Police had to be called because a fight broke out. I didn't think things like that happened at events like these but I guess with these small towns you never really know.

[SATURDAY, 6:11 PM]:

Hey I just got back from the fan fest this afternoon. So cool! I couldn't believe how many Calamari Kids there were! With the lobster shirt and sunglasses. There were a few people dressed as Susan and as Gary and as chubby Principal Rose, and a bunch of guys in vests as the Chowder Boys. Amazing! I was posing for photos and signing autographs too. The Q & A was a little different though. Do you know what an allegory is? I think it's the sort of thing you learn in college but I did business so I had no idea. But a guy in a waistcoat told me that the movie was an 'allegory' for the diminishing cultural power of whites Americans. Does that make any sense? I thought it was just a movie, ha ha!

Also Susan Wilkes had her hand on my knee for most of the session. It might have just been an accident? I don't know. I thought Gary Dunkel would be there but he did his session earlier that morning by himself. Unusual! Whatever he said this morning was pretty controversial, it seemed.

[SUNDAY, 5:30 AM]:

So they just woke us up at the hotel and the fireman told me that someone called in a bomb threat. Not good for my anxiety! I'd feel a lot better if you responded!! I have an enormous bruise on my stomach now and I do not remember the specifics. I drank quite a bit of wine last night and the last thing I remember was the sculptor of the Calamari Kid statue getting right in my face and he was very upset! Please email me back!!

[SUNDAY, 11:51 AM]:

Hey, I'm sorry if I was a little curt this morning. I was on edge with the fire alarm thing, as you can understand. But you won't believe it, after I sent you that email, I ran into some big fans of my dad. They were dressed up and everything! They were very nice to me but they had some unkind things to say about some of the people in this town. Really intense! We even had a few cocktails. One of them they named after my pops! I can't recall what was in it but I gotta say, I'm feeling great this morning. I might just keep this going all afternoon for the statue unveiling. I'm on vacation, right! This is exciting!!

[SUNDAY, 2:27 PM]:

Susan showed me a pair of sexy Calamari Kid themed underwear! She giggled and said she bought them at the merchandise stand but I think she made them herself. She brought them from home!

[SUNDAY, 7:34 PM]:

I definitely had my doubts about Gary Dunkel, I know I did. And guess what? I was correct. 100% correct. We did the statue unveiling earlier. I was super pumped. Really proud of my dad and really excited to see it. Guess what? It looked like absolute dog shit! Just horrendous! I'm looking at this thing and they made my dad look like a big weird sheep! It was leaning to one side and looked like it would fall over. And they didn't even get the sunglasses right! The sculptor came up and took a bow and was whooping it up and I wanted to push him off the stage. I thought I might do it. They took the photo for the newspaper and just as they were doing it, that son of a bitch Gary Dunkel comes up beside me and shoves me into the mayor. Attacking me from behind, like a coward. I wouldn't have fallen over, but I had a few more cocktails at the unveiling, which I'm not going to apologize for and I know you're going to judge me about as you always do, if you're even still reading these emails. A few fans that were there got involved and there was a bit of a fight right there on the stage. I definitely got trampled on a bit and I think I lost my wallet in the fracas. At one point, Gary stood over me and looked at me and said "Memorial Day 1992. Tell your father that I'll never forget." What the fuck does that even mean! Just a second later, a guy in a lobster t-shirt clocked him with a rod and they had it out pretty bad. This weekend is not turning out how I'd expected. I honestly don’t know if Gary survived, he strikes me as a very fragile man. It might be going a little better if you could ANSWER MY EMAILS, PLEASE.

[SUNDAY, 7:41 PM]:

I'm beginning to think that this isn't about the money anymore. I'm beginning to think that it's personal. Is this because I tried to hold your hand? It was a very emotional Easter for me. Hearing a lot of police sirens tonight and the last I saw the mayor he was wearing some kind of tactical vest. He looks tough!

[MONDAY, 12:58 AM]:

If you're going to read any of these emails, please let it be this one which I'm sending from a hardware store on the edge of town, for my own safety. After the incident on the stage, Susan Wilkes took me and some other people to dinner on the pier in what she described as a secure zone, which was lovely. She kept wanting to hold my head next to her body, which was intense at first, but after a while felt comforting. (The waiter was kind of weirded out about it but I guess SOME PEOPLE just aren't into people helping others.) As we were getting the bill, we heard the sound of glass smashing. We turned around to see that the townspeople were going absolutely nuts. Someone threw a brick through the window! We went outside to see a group of guys had cut down the statue and were attempting to throw it into the ocean! They sliced it off at the legs and had carried it all the way to the water! I knew the thing was a cheap piece of shit! What a disgrace to my dad! I was so angry! I went out to get in their faces and get some answers, and who was directing traffic? Gary Dunkel! I was happy to see he wasn’t killed. But he looked bad! Very bruised! I was really ready to say something. I wanted to get in their faces and ask what was going on but before I could, some of the fans showed up in costume and got after them! Jeez, it was really ugly. The fans were greater in number but the guys from the town had tools, and all seemed like really fucked up weird guys. There was a lobster roll stand that was on fire and every window at the restaurant was broken and a guy in a crab t-shirt was really crying. At least one guy was face down in the lagoon. The last thing I saw before Susan led me into the back of a moving truck was Gary getting absolutely pummelled with a tire iron. He couldn’t have survived that one! I wonder what my dad did to make him so angry. I guess I’ll never know.

[THURSDAY, 4:18 PM]:

So much has changed since the last email I sent you and I feel as if I am a completely different person. But I can tell you that I have a new family who love and care about me. Susan has a beautiful plot of land near the Canadian border that she assures no one knows about. I traded my phone for passage and goods so can you let my girlfriend know I won’t be back for a very long time? Also I have begun having sex with Susan’s daughter Euphrates so I feel like the gf and me are not going to make it. She’s a magical woman! A lot like her mother. This could be a new beginning for me. My dad would be very proud.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2003 Finally, the last day of January has arrived. I don’t know why, but for some reason, it’s felt like this month has been dragging on forever.

My bangs are now to the point where they reach if I put my hair in a ponytail on the crown of my head, but if I lower it towards my neck, they can’t quite make it yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet, though, since I began growing them out.

Still haven’t heard from Mary. I won’t be sending her any more mail till I hear from her, wherever she may be.

In Webshot’s email to me, they said that until they change their system, they recommended something called a canvas, which they gave me numbers for, in Photoshop, to get around the centering issue. I guess this would put the picture towards the handle if it’s uploaded that way, though they say it’s time-consuming. I’ll let Tom check it out and let me know what he thinks. If we can’t get around the centered picture issue, I may forget about getting more mugs as I really don’t like the centered pictures. What kind of company would make mugs like that anyway, unless someone requested it? I’m really shocked that this is the only option they have, though they claim it may not always be that way. Let’s hope not.

When I expressed my worries about going back to getting too many things through the PO, Tom said priority mail shouldn’t be the problem regular mail can be.

I may not have heard from my Mary, but I heard from Tom’s Mary. My letter prompted her message. No, she never was offended by the pictures, she’s just been sick since right after Christmas with bronchitis, pleurisy, a sinus infection, and an ear infection. All one hell of a coincidence too, since I put a “sick spell” on her as soon as I pulled out my so-called present from her. During the first day or two that I was really fuming over the stunt she pulled on me, I didn’t wish she’d drop dead or anything too serious, but I did wish her ill. I closed my eyes tight and concentrated real hard on her being all sneezy and feverish and just plain old miserable. So to read what I read was quite numbing, seeing that there’s a 50/50 chance I did this to her. Do I feel guilty, if I did? Maybe just a little, but more so I’m curious. It’s definitely worth testing, but on whom? I wonder if I could put a sick spell on someone I never met like maybe someone at the bank Tom dislikes. I don’t know about that, though. I have a feeling that if this isn’t just a coincidence, it has to be someone I know and that I’m really pissed off at. I don’t see how I could place a spell like that on someone without being furious with them. Just how do I go about testing this thing, I wonder? Stand on a street corner and ask people to piss me off so I can see if I can get even by making them sick? Then again, I don’t need to ask anyone to piss me off. That will happen on its own. It always does. I just hope it’ll be someone I know. It’s hard, for example, to tune in to people I’ve never met that are fucking us over like the bank is with this mortgage bullshit. I don’t know who they are or what they look like, so I can’t imagine being able to inflict any kind of suffering upon them, and if my rather ill thoughts had any effect on Steven or Dan, I’ll never know it.

Anyway, whether or not this is something I’ve done or that just happened, since Mary has been damned in the health department pretty much all her life, I still would’ve preferred the pictures to have given her a taste of her own medicine. Instead, she thinks they’re oh-so-cool. Well, of course. The woman loves to have her picture taken and played with, so why wouldn’t she? In fact, I should’ve known she’d just love it. At least I didn’t give her the reaction I still think she wanted/expected from me for giving her a piece of my mind about her attitude and mouth at the casino.

Just like God’s compensating me after how sickly I was throughout most of my 20s with great health, he’s also compensating for my being skinny throughout most of my 20s with being fat now. Last night when I stepped on the scale only to find I’d gained 3 pounds since I woke up from nothing but 1,200 calories and a 20-minute pedaling session, I was so bummed and so frustrated and even pissed! I thought God was supposed to help those who help themselves. Another general rule that doesn’t apply to me or what? When I saw what I saw, part of me wanted to starve forever and another part wanted to say, Ok, you want me big? As big as I can be? I’ll just run to the grocery store then and eat everything in sight! It is so discouraging and frustrating to work as hard as I have all for nothing. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have lost at least 10 pounds by now, and to know that I’ll eventually gain a ton of weight whether I eat 1000 calories a day or 2000 a day isn’t very comforting either. Yet it’s getting more and more obvious that that’s where I’m headed; to end up between 150-200 pounds no matter what. It’s like it’s an inevitable fate I can’t avoid. God wants me to be big. I’m drinking lots of water, having 1,200 calories a day, working out, eating a low-carb, high-protein diet, so what’s wrong? What more can I do if doing the “right” thing isn’t working? And why should I deprive myself of weekly treats if I’m only gonna get bigger anyway? I’d literally have to starve myself to keep my weight even right where it’s at right now. I have no rights to my own life and now no rights to my own body. And I’m supposed to think he’ll let me do dolls? It’s all about what God wants me to be and to hell with what I may want. Why don’t I just be a good girl, give him what he wants, up my calories to 1,500 a day and just let myself get as heavy as he sees fit? If I’m not meant to be thin again, then there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I’m meant to be heavy, then it’d be as much of a waste of time crying over it as it’d be to cry over my being short. No one can say I didn’t at least try. If people like Roseanne Barr can get through life on the heavy side, then so can I. There really isn’t anything I do now that I couldn’t do as a heavy person anyway, short of rocking out. I could work on the computer, I could read, I could watch TV, etc. I could even keep my muscles strong with the Bowflex and the pedaling. I’m tired of trying to be something I can never be. From now on, if I’m going to work really hard, I’d prefer it to be for something a little more achievable.

Later…

Those fucking dogs! It’s a good thing there wasn’t any garbage in the burn bin cuz they got into it again. I went and picked up the few pieces of tin foil they tore out and replaced the lid. A couple of dogs were barking by the pipes this morning till I shooed them off, too. One was a huge poodle!

Once we get to around noontime, it’s so beautiful out. Makes me glad I am in Arizona between then and sundown.

I was thinking more about this odd coincidence here with Mary getting sick. She’d probably be quicker to believe I did it than I would be. She’s the one who believes attitude affects things (yeah, that’s why I lost the weight I was so sure I was going to lose) and that it’s a mind-over-matter kind of life we live, unlike me who believes more in fate. There have been too many things I was negative about only to achieve positive results, and too many things I was positive about only to achieve negative results to say that attitude’s connected, though perhaps it’s different for everyone.

Anyway, I thought of a few test subjects with a wide variety, though I highly doubt it’ll work only because I still think I have to be pissed when I do it and pissed at the person I’m trying to curse if I can really do it at all. In other words, while I’m pissed at one person, I don’t think I can curse another. Also, although I am pissed at the people who are fucking with our house payments, I don’t think I can blindly place curses on people I don’t know. If that were the case, I just might send the whole damn world to hell! That’d surely keep them off my ass.

The test subjects, since I certainly don’t want to test someone I care about (although most people are like milk. Eventually they sour), are going to be whoever’s fucking with our house payments, the cheeks (we don’t hate him, but hey, we don’t like him either), and this warped lady rat that’s just sitting around wasting space and money cuz Tom just has to disagree with me and insist we keep her cuz I don’t want to.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2003 I remembered yesterday that I wanted more mugs from Webshots to replace my old, chipped cat/dog collection. I decided on a few more rat pictures and a mouse shot. Actually, it’ll be two different pictures side by side on a screen-sized background that I’ll upload when the time comes. Their mugs are $10 each for their 12 oz. mugs and I think I’ll get 4 of them. I’ll probably order them all at once too, which means I’ll get them in mid-March or sooner. Then that will be one more thing out of the way and I can concentrate on saving for dolls and clothes.

A nurse left a message yesterday with advice that wasn’t very helpful. Most of it is stuff I already know and do. She said the doc said to have 1,200 calories a day, drink more water, have low-carbs, try an over-the-counter stool softener he recommends (I didn’t bother writing down the name of it), and try Weight Watchers, too. Not a word about fiber.

I think I’ll just stay like I am for a while. My body wouldn’t be hanging onto its extra weight like this if it didn’t think it needed it. Besides, I could be a lot worse than I am, but like I said before, I’m pretty small and fit for a woman my age.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now and I asked his opinion as far as what the doctor said. He says he thinks I should try the shit softener they recommend, and that maybe we can both join Weight Watchers. I wouldn’t mind the extra help of a program like WW, I had just thought it’d be even more appointments and a lot of money. However, they’re saying they’re not too expensive these days since you don’t have to buy their food, and you can do it online, so that’s the good point right there since not everyone can attend the meetings or wants to.

I also question just how complicated and or effective it may be and for how long. I mean, if things like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig really work, then why aren’t we all skinny?

I finally had a full flow today along with major cramps.

I also asked Tom’s opinion on the mugs. I’ve got 4 mugs picked out, and I asked him if he thought I should get one at a time, two at a time, or all at a time, and he says one at a time, so I guess that’s the way I’ll do it. After all, they don’t have any shipping deals the more you order.

These damn rats, particularly Little Fella, have been rather leaky lately. I never had such territory markers before! It’s gotten to be rather bad. Every time I pick up Little Fella, especially after he’s been in the closet, he’s wet. He even marked Tom’s bed! He thinks he owns the whole house.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2003 I’m up a pound from last week to 127. Yeah, the diet’s going pitifully slow, and lately, I’ve barely been able to make any progress at all. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. It’s just too obvious. I can’t think of any reason other than to spite me that it would get in my way, but whatever it is, it’s definitely in my way.

I know slow progress is better than no progress, but I’d prefer the faster route. Especially since the general rule of slower weight loss not returning as easily doesn’t apply to me. I can gain it back just as quickly and as easily if I lose 1 pound a week, and having lost just 6 pounds in 4 weeks, I’m pretty close to that as it is.

What do you do when you’re doing everything right, but it still doesn’t seem to bring much in the way of results? I left a message at the doctor’s office, letting them know I’ve got my calories cut to 1000-1200 a day, I’m exercising regularly, I’m avoiding sugar and having very little starch, yet I’m stuck a lot and when I do go, it’s not much. I asked them if they could recommend something that wouldn’t add a substantial amount of calories to my diet, and Tom and I figured they’d probably tell me to take fiber supplements. The question is, will they work? Because if they don’t, nothing will.

On the flip side, I know I could look a lot worse than I do and that I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do. Today I wore the shorts I grew out of at 120 pounds over a year ago. If I weren’t working out like I am, I’d never be this size at 127 pounds. I’d be way bigger. So maybe I can keep getting fewer inches for the weight like I have been if I can’t ultimately lose any more weight. At this point, I’d settle for getting down to 110-115, which is what the doctor recommended in light of my muscle weight, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. Tom says that on a scale of 1 to 10, omitting my age, I’m about a 6 or 7 as far as my overall fitness level/appearance goes, and an 8 or 9 for my age.

I forgot to say that I got a kick out of Mary’s answer to Suzanne when she asked if she thought the experiences she’s been through have made her stronger and she said, “Yeah, ain’t that funny?”

And the experiences I’ve gone through have only made me want to isolate myself even more. Ain’t that funny too? If I never had neighbors again in my life it’d be too soon!

I checked on a map to see where Fort Myers is and it’s way down there on the Gulf side. Great location for hurricanes! I wonder just how much longer after the 7th she’ll be here?

Anyway, back to the diet thing; I really hope it is just a case of my needing fiber supplements. Somehow I doubt it’ll be that easy for me. Especially if I’m right in my belief about something up there trying to block me from doing what I’m trying to do. Even my periods are fouled up. I never got the period I was supposed to get, just spots. I’m not that late yet, though, so we’ll see.

The question is, is it cuz of something up there, or is it simply a lack of fiber? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Some would say God and or evil sources prevented me from being the singer I once wanted to be, and others would say, “No they didn’t. It wasn’t that you couldn’t sing or that something was out to get you. You just didn’t have the connections.” Same as the old baby dream. Some would say, “God and the devil didn’t stop you from conceiving, your husband did. After all, your fertility tests were fine. It was his infrequent cumming and his lack of desire to do anything about it that prevented you from conceiving.”

Anything’s possible, but I just don’t think so. I think God has his plans for all of us and that he sometimes uses others to control us, punish us, and achieve those plans. In other words, a normal sex life wouldn’t have changed destiny. It’s just that I can see it not being in my destiny to be a singer, to be a mom, and maybe not even a dollmaker, but not to lose weight? How can it not be in anyone’s “destiny” not to lose weight? If that’s the case with me then that just goes to show the extremes to which I’m controlled.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2003 Paula left a message saying she has to return to court on February 11th but didn’t say what for or anything else about it.

If this month finishes up without the cheeks stopping by, I’d say we’re looking at a 70% probability that he’ll never be back to bug me here. After I got the piss test out of the way I really felt like I’d finally reached the beginning of the end. I only hope I’m not kidding myself. You just never know when it comes to the law. They’re famous for throwing all kinds of curveballs at you.

His not showing up lately, though, does make sense. Tom thinks the main reason they do house calls is to see if you’re doing anything wrong, and while that may certainly be a factor, I think the main reason is to see if you’ve run. Any normal, reasonable PO would figure, well, she’s only got 9 months left out of a 30-month sentence, so why would she come this far just to run now?

I already made an order from Ashton-Drake with the first of my budget money, plus silver change I had saved up. Yesterday I was browsing through their site to see what was new and there I found a $20 bronze figurine of a gorgeous ballerina named Lily. It’s 10½ high and posed unlike any of my porcelain ballerinas.

Unfortunately, it has to go through the PO, but we might get a tracking link for it. Tom will check later. We had a choice of waiting 6-10 weeks for it, or for just $4 more, we could have it shipped within 6 business days, so we opted for that which would put it here on the 5th. As with any doll coming to the PO, though, I worry it’ll make it to me without a problem.

I actually got a little color on my chest the day I sat out while he worked on the trucks, and I tried to today, only I kept getting assaulted by flies.

I cannot believe how many dogs we’ve got running loose in this town! Especially where there are so few houses. If this 10-acre lot were in Phoenix, there’d be 60 houses on it. Most of the lots within a 10-mile radius of our house are 10-acre lots, so where are all these damn dogs coming from and why won’t anybody in this state other than Mary allow their dogs indoors? There were 4 of them yesterday that cut through a corner of the land, then Tom said a little dog strode on over the other day. Yesterday I saw a dog I’d never seen before, and today I spotted a little puppy!

Because it’s been a while, I decided to send Mom a quick note, thanking her for the Christmas money, telling her about the pedals we got, and other trivial things. I also told her that if the reason Mary hasn’t answered my email is that I may’ve offended her with the superimposed pictures of her I sent, then I’m sorry, though at the same time, I’m not. I’m sure she’ll understand that I wanted to teach her a lesson by giving her a taste of her own medicine because I’m sick of her offending me with my own pictures. I explained to Mom that in light of how often she’s used other people’s pictures for this or for that, I assumed it’d be okay to do the same with her pictures. On the other hand, one can only spend so much time trying to please others or else it’ll drive them crazy, as I’m sure she’ll also understand. If Mary’s decided she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so be it. I simply can’t spend my time worrying that the things I say/do might upset others, and this is the truth. My days of trying to please others are over within reason. I don’t normally set out to deliberately be a mean, compassionless person, as I told her, but I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s hurt feelings either if they don’t like something I do. As I’d tell anyone, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me, cuz if I don’t like you, you bet I’m going to do all I can to do the same. With my husband the rules are different, and as I told Tom, as long as he loves me, the rest of the world can hate me for all I care. I can’t deal with fragile assholes like Mary. She’s just gotten to be way too moody, sensitive, and non-tolerant for my taste. I don’t know if this has to do with the freeloaders or not, but either way, I don’t care anymore! Nor will I care if Mom doesn’t understand my letter and decides to brush me off too, though I think she’ll understand just fine. I have a strong feeling Tom and I aren’t the only ones Mary’s driven crazy with the photo sessions. I mean, this is no hobby of Mary’s. This is literally a full-scale obsession. Just one look at her walls will tell you that as they’re literally covered with pictures, mostly of herself and her nieces. There’s barely any wall space free of pictures. I’m surprised the bitch hasn’t plastered her ceiling with them yet! Meanwhile, I spoke my mind and all I can continue to do is my best with people. That’s all anyone can do.

Later…

Okay, it’s definitely, definitely next door’s dogs that have been doing the bulk of the barking, and as I just proved to Tom, they do come barking onto the land, so there’s no defending, playing down or making excuses for them. He kept insisting he’s never seen the dogs on the land, but as I told him, just cuz he hasn’t seen them doesn’t mean I haven’t and that they don’t come over here cuz they do.

It appears that while they still have the small black dog, they now have a medium tan dog instead of a medium black dog unless I just haven’t seen the bigger black one. The tan one was just standing there a little beyond where the car is parked barking at us as we stood on the front steps. I first heard it barking from my office. The kid was out there too, at the edge of their property. He was just standing there dumbly, not even calling the dogs or anything.

Tom said he wondered if it was barking at the cat, though I didn’t see the cat that usually hangs out here, and like I told him, they seem to do it just to do it. They bark on and off from sunset to sunrise. It’s been horrible lately. They used to keep their dogs on their land, but those days are well in the past now. The dog was barking like it wanted to get someone’s attention over here too, looking expectantly at the front door, wagging its tail. Yesterday when I shooed it and the black one away from the front of the house, it was wagging its tail playfully, happy to see someone and to get attention. It’s obviously like most dogs out here, been cast outdoors as if it were old furniture, ignored and neglected.

I just wish we could get that fucking truck running and the place fenced! We’d still hear them, but not nearly as much.

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2003 Woke up at 125½. So I’m averaging about a two-pound drop each week. Still kind of slow, but at least the weight’s going.

The weather’s been gorgeous. I sat outside for a while yesterday. Today we’re supposed to have a record high of 82˚. I don’t know if I’ll bother sitting out, though, as white as I am.

Now I’m not sure if the nighttime or early morning barking I’ve been hearing is the renter’s dogs or next door’s. When I poked my head out the side door at 8:00 this morning, it sounded like they could be coming from Dan’s place. It’s been bad lately, that’s for sure. Hopefully, it’ll get better as the weather warms back up. We still may have a little ways to go, but I doubt we’ll have any more freezes.

Tom ordered a new cylinder head, but now, who knows how long it’ll be before the truck’s running, licensed and registered? We may not have to choose between fences and the kiln in the end. I mean, the choice may be made for us, cuz if the truck’s not running we can’t get the fences unless we have Dave haul them.

Tom has a cold for sure this time around, but as usual, I’ve escaped catching anything. However, I slept rather poorly last night as my allergies kept waking me up. That’s been happening a lot lately where I wake up unable to breathe out of my nose. Tom says I shouldn’t open the windows so much. It’s hard, though, not to want to take advantage of letting fresh air in here when it doesn’t smell like shit. You spend so much of the year being shut up cuz of the heat, that it’s nice when you can open windows.

Tom gave me the first of my allowance money, as I call it, so that way I can keep track of what I’ve got.

I had Tom pick me up white paper at the grocery store. It’s thinner, but not much of a bleeder because I’m using a laserjet. Ink tends to bleed through it more than powder does. I should be able to print Mary’s stuff back to back without a problem.

I went and printed out the ’98 and ’99 journals just because I’m so sick of the fine-tuning job. Besides, who cares how I wrote what 5 years ago? The sick freeloaders and the courts might care, but I don’t. I wrote what I wrote, how I wrote it, and so be it. Those days are over with.

I reorganized my radio stations, knocking off the rap station I had on my list. I’m just so sick of hearing about gangs and violence. They are what they’ve made themselves. That’s all I can say.

Last night I could’ve sworn I heard this soft knocking sound while Tom was in the shower and I was in bed reading, but neither of us saw anything suspicious.

Tom got a couple of toner cartridges from work that were leftover, so that’s good, although I shouldn’t be printing nearly as much stuff now. I’ll actually be printing more for Mary than myself. For myself, I’ll only be printing out my current and future journals. I’ll probably do printouts every 3 months.

Midge, one of Barbie’s friends, has a “pregnant” version of herself. I thought it was cool and different, but understandably, it turned out to be a controversial doll. The idea was to promote family, and that’s fine. But what about being single? What about being gay? What about being straight and childless? There are other lifestyles to consider and it’s just too stereotypical. If you’re going to promote one lifestyle, you should promote others as well.

I was kind of surprised to spot it online in the first place. After all, we’re living in a time when work is in and family is out.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 2003 Tom and I sat down and discussed our new budget plans. We decided we should each get $15 every payday, which is twice a month, for spending money. We decided on $85 a week for groceries and that we’d split any leftover money. We’re also going to be setting aside money to save. We want to ultimately get $5,000 or so saved. His mom isn’t going to live forever, and should we need thousands of dollars like we did for the well, there’d be no one to run to for help once she’s gone.

So, we decided how much to set aside for various things. Maybe this can be an added incentive to lose more weight (I’m back to 126) as the more I save on food, the quicker I can get something.

I may not get any more colored paper for a while because white paper is so much cheaper. It’s $10 for 500 sheets of colored paper, yet for just $5 more I can get 1,500 sheets of white paper.

I was thinking I’d start with those $30 fairies from Ashton, then get a few fashion dolls, then probably save for some more Ashton dolls, since the HSC doesn’t have their dolls for nearly as long. For example, I know it’s no use to save for a $200 doll they may have that I like as it’d only be gone by the time I got the money saved. It’d take just about 7 months to save that much if I didn’t save on groceries along the way.

I finished the 1997 file.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2003 Yesterday turned out to be a gorgeous day so I couldn’t resist strolling around the land. It was one of those days where it was rather warm in a T-shirt but too chilly for halters and things like that.

Since barbed wire is cheaper than grids, we talked about a barbed wire fence with closer gaps at the lower part of it to keep smaller dogs from getting through. We talked about having the bottom strand 6” off the ground, then an 8” gap between the first and second strands, then a 10” gap between the second and third, and a foot between the rest. If this doesn’t work, we’ll run a low-voltage wire around the base that will zap them away. Meanwhile, the big dogs, which are mostly what we’ve got running around loose here, couldn’t get in for sure.

I��m still not sure what I want first, that or the kiln.

Later…

The renters are making us feel anything but secluded today. Why must the most crowded rental be closest to us, huh? There are a ton of people out there right now. There’s got to be at least half a dozen adults and half a dozen kids. At least they’re quiet, though you can hear voices outside. Not surprisingly, the main attraction is the horse I still would’ve preferred them not to have gotten. They live their whole lives out front and at the right side of their place, the two sides exposed to us. Those in the other rentals probably can’t see them, though they no doubt can hear them. I appreciate the fact that they don’t play music for us, but still, why couldn’t a couple move in there who were out all day?

Right now someone’s running the horse round and round in circles again. I hope they don’t tame the horse so they can ride it. I don’t want them stealing even more of our privacy by cruising by the side and front of our house, even if they would be a couple of hundred feet away. I have a feeling, though, that if they really do end up being unhappy with this horse, they’ll just get one they can ride and be content with. They’re not going to just give up and waste the little corral they put up.

Tom says we’ll have oleanders and bougainvilleas blocking them out by the fall, but I don’t believe it.

He says that right now he’s going to see about getting the white truck running. I don’t believe that either, but if he’s able to, he’s going to begin making our new circular driveway we want in front and get the damn pipes covered for once and for all so no dogs can play with them as if they were these giant dog bones. Then, whenever we get the damn fences, which probably will be barbed wire, he’ll secure them with a cement covering so the monsoon’s hard rains can’t do what they did before and wash the dirt off of them.

Anyway, it’s another gorgeous, clean-smelling day out there so I’ve got the windows open.

I don’t think I can flip my schedule around in time for my dentist appointment on the 3rd, so I’ll be staying on days till after the 5th (the next freeloader day). I got up at 6 AM today and won’t let myself sleep later than 10:00 till then.

I just finished typing up a draft where Mary talks to one of Justin’s lawyers, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why the hell Mary would bother. He’s her enemy. The shit cock appeared all sympathetic towards Mary, only to tell Suzanne he was going to basically turn right around and stab her in the back by saying that she did it as Justin’s defense. Yet he himself admitted Justin was crazy and guilty as hell. How can he do that and then go home and sleep at night? I just don’t get it. I mean, there are some very warped human beings in this world, that’s for sure, and I don’t see why Suzanne would even think of having Mary talk to any of Justin’s defense attorneys or pigs. None of them are on her side.

I feel almost as bad for Mary for the way she’s been treated since losing Gretchen, as I do for her for losing her in the first place.

And another crazy thing is that the judge won’t allow Mary to mention Gretchen’s name or Justin’s lunacy, saying the jury would automatically convict him of Gretchen’s murder out of prejudice if she did.

But that’s what they should do. He is crazy and he did kill her, so why should anything be done to hinder them from doing the right thing?

I always said judges were fucked up for a reason, didn’t I? They’re just as bad!

Anyway, the wind’s now blowing easterly, which means that standing by the open kitchen window, I can hear voices here and there, but with my office on the other side of the house, I can’t hear them in there. It’ll really suck when there’s a house across the way, cuz I know it’ll just have to be a big family, they’ll just have to live outdoors and in front, and someone will just have to be home 24/7.

Later…

I just shut all the windows to keep the smoke out of here. Yeah, they’re barbecuing back there now, and I swear there’s got to be half a dozen cars there. They’re about the rowdiest I’ve ever seen them, but fortunately, I still have yet to hear music from them. I wonder if it’s a special occasion or if this is going to be a regular occurrence, particularly on weekends? And are they going to be this active in the summer heat? They’re going to have to be out at least a little more often than they were last summer to feed and water the horse, which Tom said he saw someone riding. I didn’t see anyone on it yet myself, though.

Again, nothing could ever be as annoying as city noise out here, but if we did have a pool and a porch in back or towards the side where the master bedroom is, it would not be very peaceful, and we’d sure as shit have no privacy. Not without those hedges.

Anyway, there’s no music and they’re not just a few feet away, so I may as well get used to their presence cuz they’re not going away. Not anytime soon from what I can tell and vibe.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2003 I gained 4 pounds in just two days of eating. Although I haven’t had sugar yet this year, the bulk of what I ate was starch, so that’s almost as bad. If I’d eaten the same quantity/calorie amount, but in meat or veggies, I may not have gained so much back.

I realize now that no, the bike doesn’t have anything to do with the weight loss. After all, I always said that only a good old-fashioned diet can cause weight loss. The water pills do help, though.

Once again I’m asking myself if I want to continue on only to achieve something that can be so easily lost. It’s just that I could end up gaining hundreds of pounds if I eat whenever I’m hungry. Most people reach a maximum weight and settle into whatever they’re going to be as long as they won’t diet, but with me, there is no max. I’d just keep gaining and gaining. I wouldn’t gain 30, 40, 50 pounds like most people, then just stop.

Maybe, with the aid of the water pills, I’ll get down to 105 as originally planned and bounce between that and 110. Meaning, I’ll take two days a week off, then spend the rest of the week working off whatever I gained from my days off. I can’t just get down to 105 and expect to stay there unless I diet every single day for the rest of my life and never take a day off which is simply not going to happen.

The truck’s both better and not better. It’s running much more smoothly now, but it’s smoking way too much. Tom’s not only worried it’ll flunk inspection, but that a pig will pull him over before he could even get there, and you know you can’t even go a block without running into a cruiser. It’s going to cost us another $300 for the parts needed to make it run more clearly. Tom insists it won’t keep costing us a few hundred every few weeks/months, saying that the thing has only so many parts anyway. He says we can probably use it for hauling things for many years to come.

I forgot to mention that Scot won the Probation Officer of 2001 award. When I saw the plaque on his office wall, I nearly laughed out loud. I mean, what did he win it for? For being so serious most of the time? For being overly by the book? For going bald and covering it with a baseball cap every day of his life?

I wonder if the black bitch ever fears me (for real) and wonders if I’m going to do anything after October, or if jail really got me off her ass for good? Then again, it doesn’t matter what she thinks. There’ll never be any justice in this case and we all know it. She and her cronies fucked me over, they got away with it, and so be it. They won, I lost, and there’s not a damn thing I can ever do about it. All I can do is use what I’ve learned and apply it to the batch of sickos that may move in and fuck with us from properties closest to us in the future, which means we’d move. There’d be nothing to say or do but move anyway, cuz nothing we said or did would help us or change anything.

The things that we went through in Phoenix versus out here tells me that although we were cursed in both places, we were cursed for different reasons. With the freeloaders, it was simply to punish us in a place we were stuck in. There was no way out at the time. We couldn’t simply up and move from there anytime we wanted to or else we’d have moved much sooner than we did. It wanted us to stay right where we were and to have to sit and listen to next door’s shit.

Here, though, it wants us out. It’s pissed we came here and the troubles we’ve had here seem to be mainly punishment for moving. Especially the part where I’m forced to leave here for half a year.

Our latest punishment for moving here is that the bank that deals with our loan/mortgage is demanding we pay a couple hundred more bucks each month. That puts it from $850 to $1,050. Although Tom says we could afford to pay as much as $1,100 a month, he’s fighting it because one, it’s not fair, and two, they’re breaking a legally binding contract.

To back up a bit, Tom had told me he was trying to get extra money from the bank and that they were ripping us off with the payments, and not to bother answering out-of-area calls, which I normally don’t anyway as 9 out of 10 times they’re sales calls.

Then, after Tom left for work yesterday afternoon, I went out to feed the prairie dogs (which really are ground squirrels, even though I still call them prairie dogs). When I turned around to go back in the house, I found a 2-page legal document taped to the door.

The document looked a little scary to me what with the paragraph that talked about auctioning off our house on March 26th. I paged Tom immediately, and he assured me that he’d have it all worked out in a couple of weeks and that there was no chance of us losing the house, not that I don’t have mixed emotions about moving anyway. Meaning, it wouldn’t be the end of the world as long as we stayed out of the city and never again lived in a 50-year-old 1400-square-foot dive.

When he got in this morning, he explained it to me in full, telling me of all the different options we have. As he said, he initiated this because he knew we were getting ripped off, and all they’re trying to do is bully him around a bit in hopes that he’ll cave in and just allow them to keep ripping us off, but he says he won’t, and that if it came down to it, we’ll take them to court. However, the reason he doubts it’ll come to that is that the bank wouldn’t want the bad publicity it’d bring over a couple of hundred bucks a month. As it is there’s a class-action suit against the bank for not paying their employees overtime like they did with Tom. He thinks they’ll be willing to settle out of court, though, and while they may not back the payments back to the $850 they’re legally supposed to be, he thinks he can get it down $100.

It all makes us all the more wish we could strike it rich, dump society altogether and just go live on the ocean for the rest of our lives, only docking every few months for supplies and to shop for fun stuff. Since that’s not likely, I find myself thinking more of a house in the woods somewhere. It’s not that I’m unhappy here. Not by a long shot. This isn’t Phoenix, we don’t have freeloading assholes next to us who can’t sit still and shut up, I do love this house; it’s just that the freeloaders know we live here, even if that probably doesn’t mean anything, and I don’t like the openness. As I told Tom, though, no place we could live could ever be as bad as Doe and Art’s, Brattleboro, Valleyhead or Estrella, and we’d always have each other. Also, I know each place we could live would have its pros and cons, so it kind of balances things out anyway.

Tom told me that on his way to work, before I discovered the papers on the door, some guy was outside with court papers, claiming it was about a foreclosure on someone else’s house.

“Then what would he be doing here?” I asked Tom this morning. “See, I think he was shitting you because he didn’t want to have to deal with handing you the papers personally and then have to deal with your reaction. Besides, I never heard a knock on the door. That alone tells me he saw you were leaving, watched the house from wherever then came back in when you were gone.”

I wonder if the old guy looking for this other guy was connected to this but at that hour?

Why, oh why, though, are we such a magnet for rip-offs?! I mean, I know everyone gets taken advantage of, but it seems we really are one of the extremes. When it comes to being ripped off, leaks, and things breaking, we’re way ahead of most people.

The question we’ve been asking ourselves is, should we get the fence or the kiln first? If I still had two or more years of probation, I’d definitely opt to do the fence first, but now I don’t know. Yes, I’d like to keep dogs off our property and make it a real nuisance for people to bug us, but I really want to get on with the dollmaking once and for all, too.

Mary sent me some book drafts and some sexual fantasies to type up, along with a quick note saying her book looks great, she’ll be sending stamps soon and that Suzanne secured an order for her to be allowed to be at Justin’s sentencing hearing. Then after that, there’ll be an extradition hearing. Why she needs to be at the sentencing hearing when someone can always tell her what the sentence was, and why there needs to be an extradition hearing, beats me.

Since putting air fresheners in the car doesn’t last long, I think I’ll take the remaining two Vanillaroma fresheners and stick one in here and one in the master bath.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2003 We were in and out of Scot’s in a flash, then it was off to a rather fun day.

Instead of going to the dollar store and the grocery store, we went to Office Max and Walmart, though we did stop for lunch as planned. He got a burger and fries and I got the Chinese I’d been craving for eons. I probably shouldn’t get it again too soon as their portions are huge. I only ordered a side of pork fried rice and some shrimp egg foo young, yet I’ve got enough food here to last a few days!

The food bumped me back up a pound. I thought it’d be two pounds, but see how easy it would be to undo all I’ve done? It’s just that I couldn’t undo it as quickly as I could if I weren’t pedaling.

We went to Office Max so Tom could check out chairs, but he didn’t find any he really liked.

At Walmart, we got a lot of stuff for the car, including fuzzy leopard car seat covers and carpet for the floor.

For me, I got a few bushels of flowers each for a buck (a couple with pink roses and one with irises). I got raspberry-scented bubble bath with Rapunzel Barbie’s picture on it (I guess she’s a really popular Barbie right now). I got a 3-pack of flavored lip gloss, a sports bra, and some really cool gold glittery lip gloss. It’s the most glittery I’ve had yet.

Lastly, for just a few bucks I got a Barbie nightgown for Chris that ended up on Jade. It wouldn’t quite cover the soft part of Chris’ legs because the gown was cut higher at the sides. Jade’s jacket fits Chris just fine, but her pants were too short, so I took an old jumpsuit of mine (a combination of t-shirt/shorts) and cut it above the waistband. These made the perfect shorts for Chris, only I had to pin them in back as they were a bit large on her. It looks like she’s got culottes on, actually, and the jacket covers the pinned waist, though it’d be hard to see anyway with the way she’s sitting on the loveseat.

For now, Jade’s pants will wait for someone new to wear them.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2003 I was surprised when Tom came home without any mail from Mary. It makes me wonder if she moved already.

We were also surprised to receive the new carburetor in the mail. Tom thought he was going to have to pick it up in person.

Today’s a freeloader day. Gotta go report, hope I’m in and out without incident, then it’s off to the dollar store, the grocery store, and for some Chinese take-out. Today will be a good test to see just how easily I gain the weight back using the bike (I call it a bike, even though it’s not literally a bike). I woke up at 126 even. I have a feeling that had I not taken water pills yesterday and a couple of days ago, I would still be struggling to get under 128.

I can’t believe how easy the bike is, yet so effective! I can very easily do 30-60 minutes a day. Never again will I use that boring, clanky, back-breaking rower or that boring treadmill. The bike’s definitely the best. I can watch TV while I use it and actually hear it or I can read. And all without straining my back, killing my feet, or jarring my knees and ankles like jogging. Also, I get a good workout that’s not too kick-ass. You should have an elevated heartbeat that’s comfortable and not feel like your heart’s going to explode.

I decorated my inhalers yesterday by printing out a few floral pictures I taped around them.

Tom suggested I just go ahead and print journals on one side of each page, and I think that’s what I’ll do.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2003 Woke up again at 126½. Looks like I’m going to be stuck today too, so I’ll probably take a water pill. I’m close enough to my period to do so anyway. It’s just that the shit makes me a little drowsy.

Tomorrow I’ll be pigging out on Chinese so I may end up putting back most of what I lost. That’s how easily set back I can be.

Thanks to the freeloaders, Tom had to go to work last night. He got in a short while ago and crashed. He’s got to be back at work earlier today. Like at 4 PM. Then he’ll sleep from about 2 AM – 8 AM, then we’ll leave for Casa Grande at 9:00.

I just hope things will be okay from here on out, but again, 9 months seems a bit long for something not to come up. Wouldn’t it just be oh so wonderful, though, if I could know that from here on out my only burden was to make sure I was on schedule for reporting every other week and that was it? Well, I don’t know if it’ll be that simple from here on out, but at least I don’t have to report at a set time as that would only make it much harder and more stressful. To think that I might only have to see Scot’s face just 18 more times after tomorrow is just wonderful! Nothing against Scot. It’s just that he’s connected to the freeloaders, so naturally, he makes me think of them. Anytime I see or think of Scot, I remember the freeloaders. They go hand in hand just like with the K and even Teddy Bear. Thinking of and remembering the freeloaders is something I do well enough on my own without any connection reminders for help.

The freeloaders also put a hold on Mary’s mail which I almost dread getting. It’s like, how many favors you got for me this time around?

At least the freeloaders gave me a day off from the cheeks. Then again, it’s hardly a “day off” when you don’t expect him in the first place. If he doesn’t come by March, then I’ll start to seriously think that the home visits were truly over as of last August. If only I’d know it, if that’s really the case, as that would’ve eased a lot of the stress. On the other hand, like God would do anything to help ease my freeloader-related stress? Yeah, right!

Tom said he was working on dealing with the bank, cuz he suspects they’ve been ripping us off by having us pay more per month than we’re supposed to.

Why must everyone use us at will and rip us off? Huh? Why do people love to take advantage of us so damn much? Are we that easy? Do we look like these vulnerable, gullible suckers or something or does this happen to everybody? I don’t know about that. I mean, it really seems like we’re the extremes in this case.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be rather boring and predictable. And of course, what’s a series after 1990 without childbirth in it? It’s just so old! Besides, I may not have wanted a kid for about 5 years now, but still, I don’t need to see this shit and risk rekindling old desires. Wanting a kid you can’t have is the ultimate torture, the worst thing God can do to a woman. He may have a lot of people fooled as to what he really stands for, but I see right through him. I don’t care how crazy it sounds; I know he’s a mean and vengeful God. I don’t see him punishing me with that all over again once the freeloaders are out of my life, but how convenient that’d be since there’d be no one too close to sic on me. It’s a scary thought too, and as the end of this 7-year nightmare gets closer, the more I wonder – what’ll it be next? What will he whip my ass with next, other people, financial problems, health problems, or will I fall into a deep depression of some kind for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine at this time?

Actually, for me the absolute worst thing he could do, if he ever decided to hate me that much, and luckily I don’t think he does, would be to have Tom killed, be it in a car wreck, an illness, etc. If he really knows all, though, then he would know that killing him meant killing me as I’d be right up to join my husband in a heartbeat!

Oh, I have more shitty news to add to the list too, and that’s that they’re no longer going to make stock options available to employees at the bank. That really sucks big time. Next January, we might be able to make one last sell-out, but that will be it.

Lisa turned 20 yesterday. I couldn’t care less about everyone else, but I’ll always wonder about Lisa. At this point, she’s still probably quite naïve, with still many years ahead of misery, loneliness and cigarettes. I wonder, though, did she get out of the house? And if so, how did she get out, where did she go and what’s she doing?

Guess I’ll go proofread now. I’m less than a month away from quitting smoking and I don’t even know it. Not a clue! About two more years to go too, before the freeloaders switch from being a visual/audio part of my life to a financial/steal-my-freedom part of my life.

Later…

Oh, that damn laser jet! It’s all well and good and all that, but I get so many paper jams. Particularly when doing flipsides of pages. It makes me wonder if when printing journals I should print on only one side of the paper, do the flipside with the inkjet, or quit printing journals altogether.

I just had an idea. I’ll go and print ’03 at the end of the year on one side of the paper, then I’ll flip the pages upside down and over and do ’04 on that side. During the year, the paper will have time to settle out flat.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2003 God help the freeloaders’ neighbors today, whoever they may be. The shit I went through with them makes me wonder if they’re just as rude as they were to us, or if this has caused them to settle down a bit, but I doubt it. I don’t think they’re capable of getting along with others and being considerate of those around them. I think they live in their own little obnoxious world and to hell with who may have to deal with it. Besides, why should they worry about neighbors who complain about them when they know they can get them thrown in jail?

I was thinking about that and their pig pal. Both Tom and I agree that judging by the way they were carrying on in court, they are friends. However, there are a few things that just don’t add up. If they’re really buddy-buddies, then why didn’t the pig come after me when the default warrant was issued? And why didn’t he book me the day he dragged me to the station? And why, when asked something about sending forms pertaining to me to the DA or filing them, did he say to file them? These are the only things that don’t make sense to me.

I’m just so sick of blacks, Mexicans, and all the problems they add to our already fucked up society. If they’re really “just like us,” then why are the bulk of them the jobless criminals that they are? I don’t buy it when they claim they can’t get decent jobs cuz of discrimination. Some might really get discriminated against, but for the most part, they use that and the past as a crutch, an excuse to just sit on their lazy asses. They are what they make themselves to be.

And when are we ever going to have equal rights? When can we have our white TV channels and our white beauty pageants like they can have their black this and black that without being called racists?

I really think we should go back to segregation. I mean, the idea of mixing used to be wonderful to me, but now that I see all the controversy and turmoil it causes, I think we’d be asking for less trouble if we segregated ourselves. You simply can’t order everyone to get along with each other. There are always going to be groups who hate other groups. The Arabs hate the Jews who hate the blacks who hate the Hispanics who hate the Indians, etc., and like it or not, this is the way it’s always going to be. Fortunately, though, you don’t have too many states pushing so hard at deseg like Arizona does. Tom says it’s just the opposite and that this state’s got one of the highest prejudice rates there is, but if that’s the case, then why is everyone running around kissing their asses out here, which of course, is sending the wrong message? All it’s doing is saying to minorities is, “It’s okay to pick on whites or to do this or to do that cuz this state will let you get away with it due to your color.”

I woke up at 126.5 and I was stuck yesterday, too. The question is, how much of it is real weight-loss, versus water loss? I did take a water pill yesterday. Nonetheless, maybe I really can lose a decent amount of weight. I’ll just be doing it in slow motion and could still be dieting in June at the rate I’m going, but I guess I don’t mind the wait. Slower is better than never at all.

Tom says that for my age I look fine, but if I were 17, I’d be chunky.

And if I’d had kids I’d be considered anorexic, since pregnancy leaves 90% of women much heavier than they were beforehand, and they almost never lose the weight, either. I guess that’s another reason to be glad kids weren’t meant to be or else I probably would be stuck in the 140s, 150s or maybe even higher. You usually gain 50-60 pounds during pregnancy and you only lose about 20 upon delivery. What’s left over is yours to keep.

Anyway, I started at 133 and my goal is to get to 105. When I get to 118, which will be right around the halfway mark, I’ll have Tom take another picture. 118 still seems worlds away!

I asked Tom if he thought I’d still be skinny if I were still alone, broke and smoking, and he said no. I don’t know, though. It’s just that upon reading back, the weight gain does seem to be more connected to quitting smoking than to age. I quit smoking at about 108. Just 4 months later I was 125 and ever since then, nothing’s been the same. Losing weight hasn’t been nearly as easy as it used to be. I doubt I’d have remained around 100 pounds all my life had I been able to keep on smoking, but I don’t think I’d be nearly as big as I am today.

If only I didn’t have asthma and if only a pack of cigarettes were the 75¢ they used to be when I started smoking in – what year was it – 1979?

Anyway, technically I’m down nearly 10 pounds since I did peak at 136. It’s just that by the time the actual diet began, I had slipped down a few pounds.

It must’ve been colder today cuz the heat came on before midnight. Usually, it doesn’t come on till between midnight - 1 AM. It took almost till 2 AM to kick on the other day.

I wish the AC was temperature-sensitive like the heat is, but it’s not. In order to have it comfortable in the daytime, it’d be a freezer in here at night if I didn’t adjust it, and in order to have it comfy at night, it’d be an oven in here during the daytime. It has a mind of its own. In the summer I set it to not come on till it gets up to 82°, yet it goes and kicks in 78°.

Although lots of fun, neither rat goes into the kitchen, making it easier to let them play unsupervised. Those that traveled down to the den and up onto the couch were the ones I had to really watch to keep them from tearing up the couch like Houdini and Little Buddy did.

I’ll be watching Charlie’s Angels in a few hours. What a show that was! Back in those days you rarely had blacks in the picture, and the subject matter wasn’t nearly as depressing as it is now. Back then it was petty crooks, swindlers, scammers, blackmailers, extortionists and murderers (usually amongst business partners). Today it’s all about race, poverty, gangs, child abuse, child molestation, domestic violence and crack whores having crack babies.

I guess they felt that addressing these sickening issues would help curb them, but they obviously thought wrong. People felt that doing this and making stiffer penalties would curb crime but people just don’t understand how invincible criminals think they are. Most criminals are as sure that they’ll never get caught as they are that the sun will rise and set, so no amount of threat of stiff punishment’s gonna stop them.

Earlier I heard the faint traces of bass, and the nighttime dog-barking is still worse than ever.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2003 Paula called again this morning, and although I heard the phone ring, I didn’t feel like gabbing with her. Being the weekend, she’d want to prattle on for hours. Besides, we just spoke and God knows I can stand to talk to that flake only so often! She sure is funny, though.

I wonder how much of a pest Mary will be when she’s free. If she can be a demanding pest at times locked up, I’d hate to see how she’ll be on the outs. I’m afraid she’ll want to be here constantly to use the computer/printer, but if I have to put my foot down about that, I will. Hopefully, us living where we live won’t make it all that convenient for her to bug us too often anyhow.

I’m slowly rolling back around to days, so if Scot is anywhere near, I’ll be ready for him. Let’s see, so far there’s been 11 visits which took place on 6/18/2001, 7/25/2001, 8/15/2001, 9/13/2001, 1/7/2002, 1/24/2002, 2/13/2002, 3/14/2002, 5/13/2002, 6/24/2002 and 8/8/2002.

I was surprised to weigh 128, two pounds lighter than I woke up at, towards the end of my day and with being stuck again, but then I remembered I took a water pill earlier.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2003 Up to 2,701 album views, half of which are of my pictures. Another doll shot download, too.

Paula called too, and left a message saying they moved her court date up to May, though she’s still going in on the 23rd. Sounds like the 23rd is a pretrial hearing or something, and May will be her actual sentencing day.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading now. I’m up to mid-’97. I’m right at the point where the black bums start slamming car doors like crazy and when they got the dog to torment me with after I hauled off at them for basing me out at 6:30 in the morning. Just a couple months away from when they took it out of the back yard one night and tied it to the Jeep’s fender in the carport so it’d be right smack outside our windows, and when she came screaming at our door. Oh, why didn’t I beat the shit out of her then?!?! She had a lot of nerve too, coming to our door and telling me to shut up. Then even more nerve to tell me she was sick of my shit when she and her sick associates were the ones dishing it.

Anyway, it was too obvious that they got the dog just to use it against me, and I remember that I not only felt sorry for the dog but how grateful I was the day the housing people caught her with it and made her get rid of it. That must’ve pissed her the fuck off big time, too.

The question is, how is she gonna feel in a little over 9 months from now when she no longer has any kind of a hold on me?

This time period was also when I began to realize that it takes a lot more than shared blood to make a family. All the years of abuse I took from my family began to have an accumulative effect on me, causing years of simmering emotions to boil over.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2003 Tom went back to bed shortly after the knocker left. Especially since he has to leave for work at 4 PM today for a meeting.

I hope Paula gets the doll’s dress before the 23rd in case she really does go to jail.

The freeloaders are giving us Monday off. Yeah, it’s MLK Day, so no cheeks that day.

I’m feeling once again like the dollmaking thing is just another joke on me, like it’s never going to happen. Too many things keep coming up to prevent it which tells me something right there. Well, I’ll just do what I said before and forget about it if we still don’t have the kiln come summertime. I’m not going to make the same mistake I made in the past by struggling for things that aren’t meant to be.

Although at only 100 DPI, I went and scanned every picture of Mary’s I have. She has a total of 40 pictures which I’ll burn onto a CD for her once she’s out. I hope she gets her own PC and printer! She certainly could use it. As soon as my PC is upgraded and equipped with a burner of its own, I’ll be making Paula a CD of pictures and journals. That is, after I edit the hell out of them, of course.

Later…

Yesterday, Tom slept longer than I’ve ever known him to in the near-decade we’ve been together. He says the diet’s making him tired. I was tired too, when I first started dieting. I’m now 128 and amazingly regular. Funny thing is, though, I’ve been eating more. Like 1,200 cals. Maybe it really does take twice as long and is twice as hard to diet alone, and maybe the diet and exercise combined really are helping, so I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it a little while longer. I still don’t think I’ll get to 105-110, and I still want a Chinese buffet break on Wednesday when we go to see the cheeks like we planned (he’ll make his own stop for American food).

Think I’ll go download some nature sound MP3s, like rainstorms, birds, wind chimes, oceans, brooks, waterfalls, etc. The wind sounds suck. They sound too much like a swarm of bees.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2003 Wow, I just got a letter from Mary dated the 24th and postmarked the 27th! Don’t know why it took nearly 3 weeks to get to me. That happens sometimes, I guess.

At this time she thought she was going to be there till the summer and asked for two copies of her drafts along with her astrology, saying she’d mail them to herself in Florida the day before she left Estrella, but I take it that she wants me to just wait and send the stuff to Florida, seeing that she’s leaving next month (unless there are more delays).

She still expects to be released in 2004 or 2005 at the max. I hope so! And I hope she really isn’t on intense probation for too long, but like I’ve said before, you can’t count on or trust the law to come through for you. I’m sure she knows this by now, though. She’s not stupid.

She says Virginia, who killed her drug dealers, is worse than Hope, but at least gets her own commissary.

She doesn’t yet know why José is in jail.

I sent her a couple of pictures of Chris, one face shot, one full body shot, and a few drawings I did years ago. She asked to see them which was nice. I sent her a person, dogs, and a colored drawing of a cat surrounded by flowers and butterflies.

I’m back to 129, but since I doubt I’ll shit for 2-3 days, I’m sure I’ll gain a pound or two back. I felt so teased earlier. I felt like I had to take a dump, but as soon as I sat on the toilet, the feeling was gone as quickly as it had come. All I can do is just eat sensibly and exercise regularly. It all goes to prove, though, that no, attitude is not always connected to the outcome. I was sure I’d lose the weight, yet I couldn’t, just like I was sure I could never quit smoking, yet I did.

I’m in mid-1997 with the proofreading, and right before the folks visited, I wrote that I had a feeling it was to be our final meeting. I sure got that one right!

I also wrote that I was struggling between being angry at his mom for using him and feeling guilty about complaining about it, but now I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for how I felt, and I shouldn’t have felt guilty back then, either. She did a terrible thing. She stole my husband from me, ran him ragged, and milked us of a lot of money. Why shouldn’t I have felt any hard feelings just because she might have done us a favor or two in return? She still used the shit out of my husband and took his attention away from me when I needed it more. I also think Tom should’ve realized what was going on a lot sooner than he did and put an end to it sooner, but he could never be nearly to blame as much as his mother. She knew that because he was so kind and generous, he’d have a hard time saying no.

The last mouse died today, so no more mice for a while. Next time, though, they’ll have all new cages and accessories.

In better news, the stock did sell yesterday, after all, for just under $1,500. I still don’t know what I’ll get for my next doll order or when, since we still have to get the damn carburetor so the truck can be up and running, then get the fences. We don’t know for sure how much the fences will cost, but I vibed $450.

There are a couple of really nice HSC dolls I’d like, but one of them is a 750-piece limited edition, and the other’s 750-piece closed edition, so by the time we get the extra money, they’ll probably be gone. In that case, I’ll just get the fashion dolls I want, but I’m pretty sure at this point that I won’t be bothering with Ashton-Drake.

I looked, and there is a fourth Playboy doll that will soon be available (I don’t know why they have her listed as the third in the series) named Ava Fabian. She’s a brunette and is going to be wearing Playboy’s original bunny suit.

I can’t believe that of the first four dolls, they’re all white. Especially what with the way everything’s so mixed. I mean, you can’t even find one TV series, one movie, or one commercial without a black in it these days, and Asians too, of course.

I finally spoke with Paula. Of course, she had to call when Charlie’s Angels was on, but oh well. She called at 5:30 her time, saying it was 10° and that there were two feet of snow. Naturally, I rubbed in our beautiful weather, although it is quite cold at night. Especially out here where there’s not nearly as much concrete to hold the heat in. While it can get up to 70° during the daytime, it can get down to the high 20s at night.

Paula says she goes to bed at 9 PM and gets up at 5 AM every day, and is her same old self. The conversation was the usual; about the losers she hangs with. If ever there was a woman attracted to abusive men, it’s got to be Paula B. She’s worse than my sister was. It’s sick. It really is. But more so, it’s sad. I can see a guy being attracted to an aggressive woman only because most guys, unlike most women, don’t have much self-respect. This is crazy, though. Totally crazy. She talks of how Miguel, her current PR of choice, put stitches in her head and about how she’s going to trial (she pled not guilty) on the 23rd for slugging him, yet says they’re still the best of buddies. She said she doesn’t want to dump him because he and Justin grew close, but that’s crazy. Any man that can beat a woman can beat a child too, and they should not be allowed near either one. Especially a child who cannot fight back.

Maybe he could, though, because according to Paula, my predictions for Justin getting into all kinds of trouble are already ringing true. He pulled a knife on a fellow student, so she says, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Any kid who grows up with an aggressive mother whose millions of boyfriends are abusive is almost guaranteed to end up violent and in trouble with the law constantly. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Justin ultimately ended up in prison for years. I hate to say it, but it’s what I see plain as day.

She asked me if I saw her having to do 90 days, which is what she says she’ll get if she loses the trial, and at the time I didn’t see anything, but afterward, once we’d hung up and I’d had a chance to concentrate on it in silence, I did feel a slight vibe saying that she is going to jail. Sorry girl!

Then she says she may have to do an additional 30 days for getting caught driving without a license, something she never bothered to get, for reasons I can’t fathom.

Every other time we talk she says it cracks her up that Tom and I don’t sleep together.

Now, how can that crack someone up? I mean, what’s so funny about it? It may be odd, but funny?

She’s one funny lady, though, that’s for sure. Let’s see… she wants to send Tom a carburetor cuz they’re cheaper there and claims that the FBI hung up her phone when we were accidentally disconnected. She reminds me of Ellie!

I finally, after 6 months, found out what she thinks of the dolls. She says she likes and kept them all, though she hasn’t got them set up cuz she needs shelves.

Meanwhile, I’m sending her an extra dress that will fit a couple of the tall dolls which I can’t imagine ever having a use for. I told her that after that, though, I wouldn’t send anything else to her unless she contacted me saying she wasn’t in jail. I don’t want to be sending stuff her ditzy associates may not remember to give to her once she’s out.

Anyway, she’s at the end of the year’s probation she got for slugging that pig. I still can’t believe she got a year of probation for slugging a pig while I got half a year in jail, plus 2½ years of probation over a fucking letter! But then again I can because life’s so unfair.

What’s sad is that Paula’s the kind who’ll never get anyone decent, not that that’s an excuse to take just anything she can get. It’s just that the more stable people are going to see Paula as not good enough for them. I’ve walked in her shoes before. Back when I was young, naïve, mixed up and too nice, all I’d get were assholes. Those who had their shit together and who were more mature basically looked down on me, knowing they were too good for me at the time.

Later…

That was scary. Really utterly terrifying! I was playing with the rats. Tom was still in bed. Suddenly, there was a knock on the utility door. Whenever I hear a knock at the door I think – black bitch! Especially when 90% of the knocks have been connected to them.

I ran and opened Tom’s bedroom door, flipped on the light, and woke him up with the news. He asked me what my vibes were and I said I didn’t have any bad ones. Nonetheless, against my better judgment, he went out and checked after the third knock to find an old white guy looking for some guy.

Later he went out to look around and came back saying that it sounded like he was going door to door, judging by the way the dogs were going off, but dogs go off around here a lot lately, so I don’t know. I guess he was harmless.

I should’ve figured it wasn’t black-related, though, since the pigs have always preferred to come to the front door and only in the daylight. The cheeks, who also uses the front door, wouldn’t come at this hour to a client on standard probation.

“You also shouldn’t have turned on the light or walked as noisily,” Tom said, which is true.

Although few and far between, I can’t wait for the fences that will stop these casual visitors, or at least make it a bitch for them to bother us.

Fortunately, I still don’t have any bad vibes, but if there’s going to be any more trouble, I still say it won’t be till before or after 10/30. It’ll depend on how the freeloaders feel. Not being in the same county helps, but will they feel they “got me” and so be it? Or will their little victory of 2000 go to their heads, making them feel invincible and like they can do anything to me and get away with it (not that there wouldn’t be a grain of truth to that)? Sometimes abusing others can be a real addiction for some people.

The so-called easy diet hasn’t been so easy lately. For the last few days, I’ve felt as if nothing could fill me up. Like I could eat a ton of food and still be hungry. I can’t lose weight anyway, so I may as well eat when I’m hungry. I’m not going to make a pig of myself and eat for the hell of it, but I see no sense in going hungry anymore for no reason at all.

Mary was right when she said the clip I received today would be painful. The sick fuck I’d love just 5 minutes with, broke James’ arm when he was around two. As I told her, I know all too well the agony of a broken arm, and where the hell was God throughout all of it? Nowhere! He just didn’t give a damn, did he? I still can’t understand how she can worship something that allowed all this and so much more to happen! After considering all she and her kids have been through, doesn’t it ever make her wonder if perhaps she’s kidding herself by telling herself that God wants her to be happy and that he doesn’t want her to suffer? I mean, if he never wanted her to suffer, then who did and why didn’t he intervene?

And how the hell could she stay with Justin one second longer? I mean, what was she thinking?! Of all the dumb things I’ve done, not even my dumbest of all judgment calls comes close to how dumb she was to have put up with his shit for as long as she did. She had people she could’ve gone to. Some people may be truly stranded with no place else to go, but she had people she could’ve run to, and if she didn’t, I’d rather be homeless on the streets than live with such abuse!

Just what was she thinking? That he’d one day be a prince who treated her and her kids with the utmost love and respect? Please! How could it take one abused kid and one dead one to realize just what she was dealing with??? I’m sure Murphy and Andrew were abused, too. I don’t know who’s worse, her or Paula.

The woman prosecuting Justin in the James case asked Mary the same thing most people have undoubtedly wondered – why didn’t she leave? Mary’s answer to that was that she was too scared to because he threatened to kill her, her family, and her friends, but I don’t buy it. Oh, I don’t doubt she was scared. It’s just that as I’ve said a million times over, actions speak louder than words. Most people don’t act on their threats, and it just seems to me that it’d be a worthy gamble to take by breaking away despite the threats, rather than stick around and risk getting killed. I’d take my chances and leave as you’re a lot more likely to get killed by an abusive person than without them. If you break away from an abusive person, things can only get better, but if you stick around, there’s no hope for any change.

Anyway, in case I haven’t yet said so, Andrew and James were adopted and Murphy lives with her aunt Carolyn.

Another thing is that there is a huge difference between Mary and Paula, and that’s that Mary realizes she fucked up and has learned from it. Paula’s 35 years old and she still doesn’t get it. To quote from Mary’s own words; she lives in torment and regrets the fact that she let her fear of a man get in the way of doing right by her kids.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2003 Tom left a message that I got when I woke up this afternoon saying he messed up his diet by stopping at Whataburger, he has a bad belly, never wants to eat again, and will be getting up late.

He didn’t go to bed till early afternoon as he was keeping an eye on the stock. Guess we didn’t sell any today or else he’d have added that to his message.

After browsing through the HSC’s extensive doll section, I find myself leaning more and more toward forgetting about the Ashton dolls. They’re nice, but at the HSC I can get dolls that are much bigger at a more reasonable price. We’ll see, though.

I wasn’t surprised I was able to shit yesterday, seeing that the day before I had something like 1600 calories, but since I had about 850 yesterday, I was surprised to shit today, but I did.

I’m 130 pounds. To lose 3 pounds in two weeks is pitiful. I know some say it’s better to go the slow way, but I think losing 3-5 a week would’ve been more reasonable. That’s just not going to happen, though, slow or fast. I’m heavy and that’s that. This is the way I’m meant to be or else I wouldn’t be this way. Rather than drive myself crazy by trying to be something I can’t be, I may as well accept it and learn to live with it.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2003 Chris came a half-hour ago. She’s just so-so. Not bad, not great. Her eyes do look realistic enough, and the doll itself is lovely, but her head’s a bit droopy, she’s got a wire armature which is harder to pose than lock-tites, and she had black ink all over her legs that we had to scrub off. Because she has no breastplate, I’ll have to buy her an outfit with a tight neck. It’s hard to stuff certain dolls just right, cuz if you stuff them too little they’ll sag and if you stuff them too much they’re too rigid to sit. The hands, feet and face are molded wonderfully and makes for the best doll yet for holding Barbie as she was made to hold things. She cups Barbie well in her right hand and holds Barbie’s hairbrush in the other between her thumb, index and middle fingers. The other two fingers on that hand are curled toward her hand, making me wonder how the hell I’m going to polish those nails! Her wrists are just about the exact same size as mine. Because she’s a girl doll, she’s fatter than Ciara, who’s a woman doll, even though she’s a couple of inches shorter. She’s got apple cheeks of her own, but it looks cute on her.

The ink splotches obviously happened in transit. As the UPS driver pointed out, the box was dented at one end, but fortunately, it was at her feet. If it had been the other end, the ink would’ve gotten on her face and it’d be impossible to get it all off. We got it to fade, but not disappear. I guess it’s just part of my doll curse, though it could’ve been worse.

It’s now been 22 weeks since Scot was last here. If he doesn’t come sometime in February, I’ll start to wonder if maybe he really is done with the home visits, and of course, I’ll be almost sure that he is if he still hasn’t shown up come March.

Ever since I got the test out of the way, I’ve had a sense of being “home-free,” so to speak. I only hope I’m not kidding myself with some false sense of finally, after all these years, seeing the first shimmer of light at the end of what’s been a very long tunnel. It’s just that every time I thought I’d detangled myself from these sickos’ grip for good, they managed to grasp hold of me yet again and strangle me with their shit all over again, making me wonder if they’re not a permanent part of my life.

If they don’t pull any new stunts and if there really are no more tests or being woke up by home visits, and if all that’s left to deal with is setting my schedule to be available to see him 19 more times and make the monthly payments, then all I have to do is hope there are no new changes along the way that aren’t good. There were a couple of other changes I forgot to add to my list too, making it a total of 5 changes over the last 20 months. At the start of last year, Maricopa residents were told to report on the 1st and 3rd Friday of each month, rather than the 1st and 2nd. At the start of this year, the report day was changed to Wednesdays.

I don’t know. It’s too soon to go getting my hopes up, thinking I’m on my way to being forever done with this shit, but we’ll see. Besides, there’s just going to be something new as soon as it really is done and over with.

Later…

So far I worked out with the pedals for 40 minutes. Did 20 with the legs and 20 with the arms.

I haven’t received any email from Mary, and Dave, although he’s still sending jokes, has ignored my question asking what they thought of the pictures I superimposed so that tells me that I just may be able to “fight back” after all and that Mary really didn’t like them. That’s good, though. I didn’t want her to like them. That was the idea; to show her what it’s like to be embarrassed and put on the spot. That way, maybe she won’t be doing it to others.

I can’t believe how much I’ve come to dislike that woman! I don’t hate her, but I don’t like her. She does have some good in her, but as I’m finding out she can really be a non-tolerant hypocrite!

I don’t think the pictures are the only things that have got her pissed off. I think another thing that bothers her is that she didn’t get the reaction from me she wanted.

Anyway, so much for getting Mandy cuz she’s sold out. That’s okay, though. There are other dolls I want.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2003 Mary and her damn favors! This really is starting to get old. Even Andy never asked for as many favors during the 11 years we were friends. I already put my foot down as far as serving her friends go, and if I have to do the same with multiple story copies, I will. At least she’s footing most of the postage.

In her letter today she asked for a copy of her book so she could have it during the remainder of her time at Estrella. At first I was like, there’s no way I’m going to waste the paper and stamps when she’ll be out of there in just 3 weeks, but because she did send stamps, I went ahead and printed a copy. I pulled the margins wide and made the print really small, though, and used plain white paper. Some of it was faded a bit since I’m low on toner. Tom’s going to pick me up a new cartridge tomorrow, he says. Meanwhile, when she gets to Florida, I really hope she hangs onto the copy I’ll send her there. I don’t want to be printing multiple copies any more than I want to play organizer.

Chris hasn’t arrived yet, but the pedals are here and I absolutely love them! They’re the best thing I’ve used yet as far as cardiovascular training goes. It’s the quietest and most comfortable too, yet still effective. I can feel it in my legs, my heartbeat and my raised body temp. I can read or watch TV with it easily and I can even put it on the counter or a table and do my arms if I want to as well.

I shit today, but I’m sure that will be it for 2-3 days. I know something’s obviously blocking me from losing the fat, but oh well. I tried. I can live with being heavy. I wouldn’t be this big in the first place if it weren’t meant to be. At least I can keep strong and fit. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to work on maintaining my current weight or if I’ll let myself gain all the weight my body wants. It’s just that to me, overweight is overweight. What difference does it make if I’m 30 pounds overweight or 60 pounds overweight? So, if I’m going to remain overweight since I really don’t have much of a choice, I see no sense in worrying about how overweight I am or may become.

Meanwhile, I may live like a hermit, but no one can ever say I’m too lazy or inactive!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2003 I am so, so pissed right now. I’ve been stuck since Friday and no, I’m not stuck at 129, I’m up a pound! It’s totally obvious that something up there does not want me losing weight.

But why??? There is no logical reason why dieting like this should plug me up. Nothing’s changed but my calorie intake. I’m still eating the same things, just less of them.

How I wish I could make myself throw up! If it won’t come out the end it’s supposed to, I wish I could make it come out the other end, but throwing up has always disgusted me so much that I could never do it. I’ve tried numerous times, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Losing 3 pounds in 12 days isn’t much at all, and I know losing weight slowly may be better than not at all, but I don’t know about that. Especially if that means having to do this damn diet for 3-4 months. Perhaps it’s time to tell myself that there are worse things in life than being fat. You’re working so hard for so little. If something up there wants you to keep the weight then it must be for a reason. Which would you prefer; being fat or being back in jail? You want the freeloaders back living with you? You want to be paralyzed instead? Blind? You tried your best, now just drop it and move on.

But still, it bothers me. It really bothers me that I have no control over my life or my body. No, we do not control our own destinies. Not for the most part, anyway. We really are puppets in a script written by God in which we’re forced to act out, like it or not.

This reinforces my fear that if it won’t let me lose weight, how’s it going to let me do dolls?

Anyway, I’ll probably hang up the dieting. I thought I’d be ok if I’d just play catch up regularly enough, and only be slowed down a little bit, but that’s obviously not going to be the case. So there’s no sense in sticking to the diet as well as I have been, for next to nothing in return. I’ll just use the bike and Bowflex for strength and stamina, keep the fat and just work with what I’ve got.

Last night I happened to catch the doll show on the HSC and saw a wonderful $110 doll named Mandy in quite a unique pose. She kneels on one knee with her arms sort of wrapped around her other leg. She’s almost all porcelain. All of her arms are porcelain, anyway, and she wears a print sundress that’s tied at her shoulders. I thought she was Indian, but they have her down as black. I don’t care, though. I like the doll. As posed she’s 22”, but would stand up to 34” if she could stand. I hope to get this doll as soon as we have the money, but I won’t count on it. If I do, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. No doll collector gets every doll they want, and if I miss out on her, I’ll get the other dolls I’ve been wanting that I know will be around for a while. Still, I’m going to try and will put the other dolls on hold to get her first if I have to.

Anyway, I’m taking the time to work on my neglected proofreading project until more work from Mary comes in.

Later…

Maybe the best cure for being stuck is to simply bitch about it in this journal, cuz I just went. When I first felt it coming on, I was like, No, it’s simply wishful thinking, a tease.

The question now is whether or not to continue with the diet and just lose weight the slow way.

I noticed earlier that I’m smaller in the upper abs and at the sides where my ribs are. It would take a massive amount of weight loss to deflate this face, though, and pick up this neck.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2003 Still 129 pounds. I’ve been stuck again for a couple of days as I figured I would be, but as long as I keep playing catch-up in the end, I’ll be ok. I still have till Wednesday to get to 127 and still make my limit of 3 pounds per week. Tom thinks my pedaling a half hour a day will speed up the process, but I doubt it. Not at my age and height. But it will help keep the lost weight off and will give me increased strength and stamina. It’s good for the heart too, and as you know, heart disease runs rampant in my family.

Tom said that in light of our lovely PO who likes to send half of our packages back, he emailed the HSC and asked them to please not give our pedals away should they be returned for any reason. They replied saying they wouldn’t give them away, and in fact, their records show it was delivered to our PO this morning, but since it’s Saturday, we won’t be able to get them till Monday. You can’t get packages on weekends at this place. You can’t even get into your PO Box before 6 AM. In Tempe, we have 24-hour access, though we’re not going to renew that box once it expires in March.

So, the Tempe PO throws packages on their shelves and forgets about them, and this one returns them. At least they’re right on with regular mail.

I can’t believe how well we’ve both been sticking to our diets! It’s almost been too easy. He’s lost more, though. Like 7 pounds. He says it’s because he has more fat and that he has more fat in his belly alone than I have in my entire body.

Since he hasn’t done so in ages, he played hooky the last two nights, claiming to get the cold he never did end up getting like he thought he would. He’d still be getting 3-4 colds a year for real if I hadn’t insisted he take vitamin C tablets every day.

He’s taken the time off to work on the truck and install new faucets in the bathroom sinks. The single-lever faucets I told the deaf, dumb, and illiterate Mexican to install in the first place.

They look like the one we got in Phoenix with the clear round handle. It’s not perfectly round, though. I don’t know how you’d describe it. It’s sort of angled all around.

When he installed the one in the master bath it really stunk like hell! That’s because of that one’s closer to the septic tank with fewer turns and kinks.

In my bathroom, he also installed a really cool toilet paper holder. It’s just a bar with a catch at the end that’s angled slightly upwards. It makes changing toilet paper a cinch.

He also got a ready-keyed new handle/lock for the side door. Yeah, all 3 doors in this house were definitely damned from the get-go. It was getting stuck and to the point where it couldn’t be locked from the inside.

To my surprise, I finally caught the mouse in the late afternoon yesterday, and rather than killing it, we opted to walk it on down just past our property to the north. How amazing it is, I thought as I watched Tom walk down there, to have been here just over 3 years and still, there’s no one towards the north or the east. Not close, anyway, although there might be a couple of properties away in those directions.

We never did receive a tracking link from UPS which leads us to believe that the doll people never gave them our email address, but I think it’s safe to assume she’ll be here Monday or Tuesday.

Got 4 letters from Mary yesterday which were obviously sent right before I spoke with her aunt. She says she’ll be there another 30 days. Guess that means that by February 7th she’ll be gone.

She enclosed a book of stamps which was very nice of her and which will help a lot since she’s got a ton of stuff for me to send to her, and there’s even more on its way, too. She asked if I could give Michelle my email address so Todd could send me pictures he has that she wants. She answered my question of “Why me?” by saying that if she sent them to her family they wouldn’t mail them to her, and come to think of it, I think she told me that before. I asked for more pictures of her shortly after I got out and she said something about having a hard time getting any from her family.

Anyway, I emailed her note and my address to Michelle, wrote her another letter since she’s going to be sticking around a while longer, and enclosed her friend Brandi’s copy of that psychologist’s and philosopher’s words. I wonder if this is the same Brandi who’s in for killing this guy she was going to get it on with in some hotel. According to her, though, she only ripped the guy off and it was her boyfriend that killed him, so who knows for sure what really happened? I wasn’t there and I don’t know them. Guess I just don’t care, either.

I had to scan the astrology pages she tore out of a book cuz that’s the only way they’ll accept them unless they come straight from the publisher themselves, which was the case when I tried to send Bob word find puzzles. It was a huge job, too. There were about 30 pages and each one took about 4 minutes just to queue up. It took hours to do and I hope it’ll be a long, long time before I have another scanning job that big.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2003 Tom got a message saying Chris was shipped today, so we should get a tracking link from UPS sometime today, too.

Oreo makes his own schedule and Little Fella makes his schedule mine. Oreo only gets up in the daytime if food is coming into the cage, for the most part. Little Fella went to bed a few hours before I did last night, then was up and waiting for me when I got up today at noon. I hope I’m up when Chris comes, which could be as early as Monday. I’ll make sure I don’t sleep too late. Fortunately, UPS doesn’t come early around here.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2003 It’s over! Yes, I had the test and it was a piece of cake. That’s because, by the time we got there, I had to go so bad I probably would’ve peed my pants had he not been able to flag down a female PO as soon as he did, and once we entered the bathroom, I started peeing as soon as my ass hit the toilet.

She seemed pretty cool and I didn’t feel dirty or like I was being molested or anything like that. I was a bit surprised when she asked me why I was on probation. Usually, they’re pretty impersonal.

Afterward, I got a kick out of how the cheeks said, “So you saw her go?” to the lady. I was thinking, Well, she wasn’t looking in the mirror and picking her nose!

Anyway, as of 10:00 last night, an unusual calm came over me and I slept just fine. I thought I’d wake up a zillion times, but I slept right through.

What was funny was that as Tom pointed out, he may not have been planning to test me, since he wasn’t prepared. Whenever he’s tested me before, he’s had things set up, labels on cups, etc. But as soon as I saw him I told him I had to pee real bad either way, and that’s when he commented on it being a while since my last test and got the stuff he needed, along with the PO. All I know is that whether or not he was ready to test me, I was ready to get it over with, and it’s nice to be able to call the shots for once pertaining to what goes on with me.

Anyway, I’m just so glad it’s done and over with. It takes a lot of the stress off me, and I’m going to be really pissed if he surprises me with any other tests. He said the tests, as long as they were clean, would get further and further apart, and I’d like him to keep his word, something people in law enforcement seem to have a hard time doing.

He didn’t mention stopping by, but he reminded me of how much time I have left.

He’s got a lot of stuff in his office. Pins, pictures, matchbox cars of cruisers, patches, and even a rattlesnake skin from a rattler he killed.

After the cheeks, we went to a dollar store where I got a clump of red roses and a clump of maroon roses. I put them on the refrigerator.

I also got a pink plastic toddler chair that I thought would be cool for dolls between the 25”-35” range.

Lastly, I got 3 ballerina figurines. They’re not great, but for a buck each, they sure are nice.

On the way to and fro, we passed a dozen pig cars and got hung up by more creeps than usual.

I woke up today at 129 like I hoped and expected to. What I didn’t expect to do today, though, was take a dump, but I did.

I think I may’ve forgotten to mention this, but a few days ago I discovered both the two remaining crabs dead. That didn’t last long. I guess this climate is just too dry for them, although it was far from dry today. We got lots of clouds and some good steady rain for most of the day. Not the kind that fills the washes, makes running water, and gets cars stuck, but enough to saturate the ground. No leaky doors, either!

Since we’re finally having a normal winter as far as rainfall goes, I wonder if we’ll have a normal monsoon, too?

I almost caught the mouse this morning, but it managed to escape before the trap door shut all the way. This is one major clever mouse! Of course, every time I let the rats out, Little Fella, who loves to come out way more than Oreo does, triggers the damn thing. Oreo sleeps through most of the day like most rats, but my fella never sleeps, so it seems. Oreo’s venturing further away from the cage, but only if I’m there, and if I move back towards the cage, he follows.

Unfortunately, the bike’s not coming via UPS, after all. It’s coming by regular mail. They claim it’ll only take 10 days, but I know that’s bullshit. The HSC dolls never arrived on time, and as the Handi-Stitch taught me, dolls aren’t the only packages that we have problems getting. Half the packages coming to this PO have been returned, so I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s 50/50 as to whether or not we get it. That will really suck if they return it cuz then the same thing will happen that happened with Tasha. They only had so many, so if this gets returned, they won’t keep it for long. They’ll assume we changed our minds and give it to someone else.

As for Chris, Tom says he expects her to be shipped by Friday. I hope so!

Since the Humane Society ripped us off, we’ll have to order labels from the catalog we usually use. I emailed the HS about the stuff they never sent us, but I won’t expect an answer.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2003 I sent my last letter to Mary at Estrella last night. I checked to see if there was any new mention of Monster since his trial was supposed to be yesterday. Naturally, there wasn’t. Baby killers just don’t pique the public’s interest in this state the way supposed threatening racists do.

I was typing up a heart-wrenching yet beautiful poem Mary wrote about the pain she feels in losing Gretchen, and she is so totally right when she says that the more you love someone, the harder it is to lose them. I love Tom more than anyone I’ve ever loved or will love and I can’t imagine not killing myself if he were to die. I’d have nothing to live for. He is my life. All else is just an addition to it, some good, some bad, some neither.

She has been so cursed throughout her life. In a sense, much more so than I have. I hope something up there will give her a break with age as it has with me (with the exception of the freeloaders, of course).

Since I last mentioned spotting it, I’ve seen this untrappable mouse we’ve got living with us 3 more times. I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that it won’t allow itself to be trapped. It’s just an unusually smart mouse. It’s not hurting anything that I know of, though, so I don’t mind it residing with us. I just wish I knew if it’s been in the house all along, or if it’s coming and going through any vent openings we may’ve missed. If there are any openings, and if that diamondback returns to living under and by the house once they’re active again, I doubt many mice will be going through there. I think that’s why we went so long without any coming up in here; because the rattler was scaring them off.

Anyway, I guess I just hadn’t been putting enough cheese in the trap to entice the mouse, but this time around I put a healthy pinch of cheese in it.

Just when I woke up and decided it’d be best not to take the laxatives we got in case it reacts on me while I’m suffering on account of the freeloaders tomorrow, I ended up shitting up a storm on my own. Perhaps tomorrow I will finally be back in the 120s and won’t wake up at 130 for the fifth day in a row. I’m still glad I got the laxative, cuz I know something’s going to fight me along the way and that I’m just going to turn right around and be stuck all over again. That’s how it worked the last time. When the Gods do give in to my wishes, they don’t necessarily make it easy for me. If I were regular, on the other hand, I’d have this weight off in no time. Guess later is still better than never.

The Dead Zone has returned, and I also have another new show I’ve been glued to ever since I first saw its premiere. It’s called Cirque du Soleil (circus of sun), the coolest circus I ever did see. That’s because it mainly consists of acrobatics. Things like trapeze artists and dancing gymnasts with astonishing flexibility. It’s incredible!

Although anything’s still possible over the next 4½ hours, I’m beginning to doubt the cheeks will show up due to the weather, along with the fact that he hasn’t said he’d “try to catch me at the house” like he used to almost always say, and the fact that he was talking as if he knew he wouldn’t see me till tomorrow. It’s both cloudy and windy, and I’ve never known him to come on days that weren’t clear and calm. If he doesn’t show up today, that still doesn’t mean he won’t show up at some point during this month. Like I said, if we got down to the last 6 months without visits/tests, then I’d think that was over, but it still seems pretty damn unlikely, no matter how much he may think testing or the whole probation thing, in general, is unnecessary.

Later…

The weather has improved since I last wrote. In fact, it’s gorgeous out. There are still some clouds, but not as many. It’s also gone from windy to breezy too, and I have the windows open to let some fresh air in which, fortunately, doesn’t smell like shit today. The wind’s blowing westerly, so if there was any shit in the air, I couldn’t blame it on the renter’s horse.

Heard a sonic boom earlier. We’re still fortunate enough not to hear them as often as we did the first few months of living in this house. I hope it stays that way, too. Particularly while the freeloaders still own me.

Anyway, I still don’t know what to make of the cheeks. Just maybe he will stick to the basics of just having me report and make payments, something he has no say over (although he could cut the reports in half) and skip the home visits and tests altogether, but I doubt it. He’s too all or nothing, like most people. His unwillingness to cut my reports in half just because the courts won’t do the right thing by letting me go, and the things he said when he first informed us of Casa Grande, tells me that. The way he mentioned not being able to always test people in Maricopa, and for me to “be prepared” is a dead giveaway. He’s had the opportunity to test me the last few times I saw him in Maricopa yet he didn’t. There were no trials or cases of any kind going on and the bathroom, which is off of the judge’s office, was perfectly free and available, so this tells me he’s not going to be “nice,” so to speak and do me any favors. He’s simply been waiting till he can test me with eyes on me. This doesn’t surprise me, either. I knew all along that it’d be this way. I knew that if God was going to allow the jail time to be played up to the max, he’d do the same for the probation part of it. He’s been whipping my ass good with these freeloaders from day one and he’s not about to give me any breaks till it’s over. It’s like he’s all or nothing too, by making me suffer on account of them to the extremes which I have. I just hope that if I’m right about being tested that he gets it’s the fuck over with. I’ve had it hanging over my head for 2½ months now. Enough torture! As soon as I can get that out of the way I think I’ll finally be able to breathe a lot easier and that it’ll ease a lot of my stress. But will the remainder of the time be smooth sailing? Or will something else come up? Nine months is an awfully long time to be on probation without some change or new demand of some kind. First there was the demanding of payment receipts, then the anxiety of the classes hanging over me, then the PG switchover. When you think about it, 3 things in 20 months isn’t that bad, but that’s approximately one new issue every 8 months and I’ve got 9 left. Well, closer to 9.5. I just figured that I may be blessed with not having to have any connection with the black bitch the final two weeks, so I consider it to be 9 months and a week. Not long when you consider what I started with, but long enough in itself.

I look out the window and I think wow, such a beautiful day. Such a beautiful day spoiled by the stress of what could happen tomorrow. Always the freeloaders taint anything that’s good in my life. It never fucking ends. It’s a way of life for me now. It’s been that way for years. Always with me, always with them.

Amazingly, I haven’t seen the renters today. Maybe that’s because it’s warmer today, whereas yesterday was cooler. Too cool for opening windows. You know it’s cold out when the heat comes on in the afternoon! Especially in a dual-paned windowed house with 6” walls.

Later…

I might’ve just seen the cheeks go by, though I can’t swear to it because he was going in the opposite direction in which he usually goes and because he drove on the property across the way. I’ve only seen him drive on the road, plus, the lovely weather’s clouding up and cooling down once again.

Anyway, we’re going to go in the afternoon tomorrow so I don’t have the pressure on me of trying to be up early. Especially when I know I’m going to have a hell of a time sleeping tonight. I need time to wake up and psych myself up for this shit, so to speak, and to get my bladder full. It’s gonna take a half hour to get there, so if I leave with my bladder too full, I could piss my pants along the way! I have to get it just right.

God, what did I do to deserve this shit?! Why does he hate me so? Is it because I’m supposedly Jewish? Short? Cuz of my forefathers? Why???

God doesn’t have to love me. In fact, he doesn’t even have to like me. All I want is for him to leave me alone and just ignore me if he hates me that much and stop using me as a punching bag with those he does love and worship!

I try to tell myself to just relax, that they can’t hurt me, that I didn’t do anything wrong, but I didn’t do anything wrong nearly 2½ years ago, either, so if that’s the case, then how come I got thrown in jail for 6 outrageous months, then ordered to report twice a month to a PO, and to pay $40 a month, and to do 100 hours of community service, and to see a therapist, plus all the other humiliating shit for 30 more months?

There is another possibility and that’s that he may trust me enough to let me pee unobserved, but I doubt that, too. Again, he’s just too all or nothing. I mean, why should he when he has plenty of eyes available? Just to be nice and considerate of my feelings? I don’t think so!

As special as Little Buddy was, these rats really are just as friendly, playful and loving. Oreo’s like an “outside Sneezy.” Meaning, where Sneezy wouldn’t leave the inside of the cage when the cage door’s open, Oreo won’t leave the few feet surrounding the outside of the cage. They sure do like to get attention, climb all over me, and get treats from me.

I’ve got all the betas in the kitchen now to make for easier cleaning/feeding. I have two side-by-side on the counter and one on the island.

Later…

Tom and I just got done playing with the rats.

He also listened sympathetically and patiently to my bitching about the stress over tomorrow. A part of me was like, Don’t let yourself be subjected to this shit anymore and just run. Go! Get out of here!

Then I was like, Uh-uh. I got forced out of this house once. Next time I go willingly, but not until I’m ready to do so.

Meanwhile, I got a call from Mary’s aunt. She left a message asking me not to email Terri Morganthal, the prosecutor in the Florida case, a copy of Mary’s book if I haven’t already done so, till after the trial. She was obviously worried that it could hurt Mary since the defense would have to see it, too.

I called her back and told her I already sent it, but since there was nothing incriminating in it, I see no reason why it should make a difference. Carolyn, who said she was going to see Mary tomorrow, said she’d tell her this. She also said she’d call me if she learned anything that I might not know (I told her I rarely see the news and never read the paper).

Speaking of the news, well, it did make the news after all. The sick twist pleaded guilty to the James case! Everyone’s ecstatic about it and I can see why. This will help Mary a lot. Hopefully, it will, anyway, but as Carolyn says, I don’t know about her being released in ’04. I told her the same thing I told Mary, that speaking from personal experience, I wouldn’t put much faith in the system. You just can’t always buy what pigs or lawyers tell you. The presentencing guy told me to hope for the best, but expect the worst, and I think that’s what Mary should do. Life simply isn’t fair and you can’t always count on people to do the right thing, so as far as the pardon she expects to get within 2-3 years of her release – I don’t know. Even if I knew that’s all I’d have to do, I’d still run cuz I didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t kill anyone, so she shouldn’t have to do 5 minutes. Even if I was guilty of being a mass murderer, though, there’s no way I’d stick around for even just a year of intense probation, though that’s just me. She got to do what she’s got to do. I just hate to see her get her hopes up for nothing, then end up heartbroken. All I can do is hope things go as she hopes/expects them to.

Anyway, Mary was supposed to go to court today, but it was canceled. Also, I’m not sure when she’s going to Florida. Carolyn says they might not take her there till Justin’s sentenced (Mary is doing Florida time right now, too). They’ll both ultimately end up in Florida, but as Carolyn says, they’d probably send her back here to do her probation time cuz here’s where her family is. Well, I didn’t get into it with her, but they won’t send her anywhere, nor will they care where her family is. However, they do transfers, so she should easily be able to get a courtesy transfer from Florida to Arizona, but they’re not going to pay to move her back here.

I asked Carolyn if she had a computer and an email account and she says she hardly ever turns her computer on and doesn’t know how to use it. I’m just hoping Mary will have access to a computer in Phoenix once she’s out so she can work on her book more easily, but by then, I think it’ll all be written and proofread. Then, the only thing to do will be to organize it, print it out, send it to a publisher and hope for the best.

I was rather dismayed to hear Mary may get a place in Phoenix with her mother. This is the same mother that beat her and told her she was a worthless this and a worthless that. Why oh why would she want to live with anyone that’s done that to her? I just don’t get it. She writes a letter of inspiration to this abused woman, and that’s all well and good, but wouldn’t her living with her mother be regressing herself in a sense? I really think she needs to wipe people like her mother and Derek out of her life for good. She needs people in her life who haven’t/won’t verbally, mentally or physically abuse her. No, I just don’t always understand Mary’s way of thinking or her beliefs, but I still love her dearly. She has to make her own mistakes as well as her own successes just like the rest of us. Back when I was a single, naïve, poor 24-year-old, people told me it would be a mistake for me to have a kid. Yes, it would’ve been a mistake, but had I made that mistake, it would’ve been mine to make.

Anyway, I guess Mary could be here as late as February because that’s when the sicko’s to be sentenced, but we’ll see. Like I told both her aunt and Mary herself, her stuff’s ready to be sent to Florida as soon as she tells me she’s there. Meanwhile, I don’t want to be sending any more mail to Estrella. They could be moving her right now for all I know. Whatever happens, whenever it happens, all I can do is hope things go as well as possible. The poor girl’s been through enough as it is.

There’s a line from one of the poems that goes, “If you don’t like the cast of characters you’re involved with, get rid of them and start a new bunch,” and when I first read that I was like, yeah right! Like I could just dump the cheeks and the whole damn thing? On the other hand, that’s exactly what I did with my family. They were a problem and I disengaged myself from them one by one. At least I got to have some say with them and believe me, it’s a lot easier to detach yourself from those not living within a few feet of your house.

Both of us still aren’t sure what to think as far as what the future may hold for me in Casa Grande. As he pointed out, Scot has proven to pull surprises. We never expected him to write that note of recommendation to the courts to let me go, but he did.

Another thing Tom pointed out that never crossed my mind, was that another reason he may be hesitant to cut my visits is that it could cause the courts to give him more clients if they see he’s gone and cut people. Cutting people would only give him more time and less to do, which I know the courts would gladly fill in. Like I always said, as soon as someone’s let go, a new person comes in. They keep things running as consistently as they can. Even Gina commented on how as soon as one’s done with community service, in comes someone new. Plus, Scot has complained about his caseload before. A lady mentioned his having 25 people, and that was when he came out and said he wished he had 25, but that he had 70.

I don’t think that was the cheeks I saw earlier. That same SUV with the same loud engine that also drove on the property across the way went by again, and I could clearly make out the profile of a woman driver this time around.

The ear doctor called back to say they never got my referral. Despite the incompetent people in this world, I don’t buy it. I think they’re just swamped with too many patients, so they figure they’ll give some of them the runaround to discourage them from making appointments. Well, it worked because Tom and I decided he’d look around for a very small pair of tweezers. Once he finds them, I’ll oil the canal for a few days before he goes picking out dead skin.

Something just hit me. Carolyn said, “Here’s my number, in case it didn’t show up on your Caller ID.”

Well, how’d she know we have Caller ID?

Tomorrow’s the day I return to the 120s for sure! It’s the end of my day and I’m 130, exactly what I woke up as. In the past few days, I’d be 132-133 at the end of the day, so I’d wake up back at 130 the next day. Not tomorrow!

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2003 And so it was 10 years ago that I got hired as a dancer, and 3 years ago that the freeloaders came back into our lives in a whole different way that’d be a million times worse than when we all lived together.

Tom’s still working on the truck. In fact, he’s doing that right now. After 3 years, we finally got the doors fixed. I wish Tom had thought of this clever idea sooner, though he shouldn’t have had to. The Mexicans should’ve done the job right back in the factory in the first place, which was what we paid for. They look great, nonetheless. No leaks, no gaps. One less thing to have to worry about and to have to do.

To my utter shock and dismay, again I woke up at 130 and I’m still stuck, too. I get stuck every time I try to diet. Especially in the last year or two. It’s like something up there doesn’t want me to lose weight, and if it is an outer source controlling me, then that’s really scary. It’s really scary to think that something I can’t see or touch or control could have so much power over me. I’m hoping it’s just a case of my system simply needing time to adjust to the extreme cut in food intake, but I don’t know. I just have one of my bad feelings. If I’m right, the question is, why? Why would something not want me to lose weight? Just to punish me and piss me off? Why is it so important to whatever’s up there that I remain big? There are much worse things in life than not being able to lose weight, something I didn’t use to have so much trouble doing, but I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’m going to add laxatives to my diet as well as a daily Slim-Fast meal bar to keep me from feeling sluggish. It’d bring my calorie intake up to about 1100, plus whatever I have in gum and coffee, but it may help regulate me. I just don’t want to be doing all this hard work and going through all this hunger for nothing! I’ve got to start shitting out what I eat or else it really will be all for nothing. If this plan doesn’t work, then I’ll have to decide whether or not to let fate have its way with me yet again and not worry if I end up at 200 pounds, or do I want to maintain the 130? I highly doubt anything’s wrong with my thyroid as it was checked not too long ago. Besides, if there was, God wouldn’t let the doctors find out if he really is doing something to keep the weight on me besides plugging up my system.

I was out gathering trash earlier. Things like empty boxes and packages of car-related stuff. I didn’t want it to blow around in the wind cuz our shit wouldn’t end up on someone else’s land for them to have to deal with. Our stuff would stay right here on our land.

Still no cheeks, though tomorrow’s quite possible since he’s come a few times the day before I was to see him. If he doesn’t come by March or April, then I’ll start to believe he’ll never be back, but I think he will be. I’d be quite shocked if he never showed up again, but not as shocked as I would be if I were never tested again. I just hope he gets the damn test done and over with on Wednesday so I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of it hanging over my head, but I don’t know. God’s never dealt me any breaks yet when it comes to this shit, except for the work/class issue, so why should he start now? Oh, the hell I go through for these freeloaders!

I still have the feeling, and oh, how I hope I’m right, that once we get to somewhere in March, I’ll feel a lot less anxiety. Like I’ll finally be able to see the shimmer of light at the end of this very, excruciatingly long tunnel. Words can never describe the hell I’ve gone through for these freeloaders. Where my parents definitely have first place in causing me pain and suffering be it directly or not, the freeloaders definitely have the runner-up spot, and I’m sure they always will. Upon going out on my own, I never would’ve believed it if I had been told that such stress, anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, lack of freedom, and loss of money could be caused by neighbors. Family, ex-lovers, old friends, yes, but I never would’ve guessed I’d be made to suffer so severely by neighbors. And those things I mentioned above are just the major things. That doesn’t cover the little things like the cold showers, the inhumane food, the cellies that were crazy, loud, rude and obnoxious, the being controlled and treated like a child, etc.

Four adults (two women, two men) were out playing horsy for much of the afternoon, In fact, one guy got thrown as the horse went down. I guess it didn’t like the idea of being ridden. I had wondered why I hadn’t seen them riding the thing up and down Meadow Green and Ralston. Whoever was on the horse when it went down was lucky they weren’t hurt.

Anyway, one of the women took the horse in back and while on the ground, she steered it round and round in circles by its reins. I don’t know what the point of that was, but anyway, the horse is cool to look out the window and see, when you consider what my view on Oswego St. was, but it’s stealing more of our privacy. They’re always, always home and outside. I don’t know how all those people can afford to be home all the time, but I hope they’ll at least be indoors more often when it gets hot like they were last summer. It’s just that when it’s hot, I won’t have the blinds open in the kitchen which faces west, so it wouldn’t matter if they were or not. Now’s when I can comfortably have it open, let more light in, and enjoy the view of the mountains, but now is also when they’re out and about to spoil my view of nature. At least they’re white and quiet.

Tom said Mary will probably be unhappy about the pictures I played with and sent. Oh, poor, poor thing. She can dish it, but she can’t take it, huh? That’d be typical of her, but I don’t know. With the way she loves posing for the camera, she still might get quite a kick out of it. Tom’s so sure, though, that now she won’t call him to make extra money by working on her house when she needs it, but that’d make no sense. Why not call him just cuz she may be mad at me? She never liked me anyway. This is nothing new. Ignoring Tom cuz of me would be like me not talking to my friend Mary simply because Paula said something I didn’t like. What’s one got to do with the other?

Anyway, if she really was offended by the pictures, maybe she’ll finally learn from this. Maybe she’ll realize that as long as she’s willing to embarrass others and put them on the spot by constantly taking their pictures, others are likely to do the same to her. If she can make Christmas tree ornaments out of other people’s pictures, why can’t we superimpose pictures of her?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2003 The anxiety over this Casa Grande shit’s starting to settle in. Is God ever going to find it in his cold merciless heart to set me free of these freeloaders and not replace them with a new long-term problem?

I tell myself all I have to do is sit down on a toilet and pee in a cup, but that’s not all I have to do. I have to do it with eyes boring into me for reasons I shouldn’t have to. What the fuck do letters and journals have to do with drugs and alcohol? I’m sick of the general mistrust of us so-called criminals and all the automatic assumptions. They assume I very well could be a druggie cuz I supposedly wrote a threatening letter, and they don’t trust me to give them my own piss so they have someone watch me. It isn’t just about punishment, power, control and money, but the lack of trust and personal security of those within the system. When they lock someone in a cell, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to carry mace and stun guns, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to show up at your house unannounced, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” Well, this is all the more reason I don’t trust them! It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you, it’s hard not to dislike someone who dislikes you, and it’s hard to trust people that don’t trust you, and I sure as shit can’t trust anyone within this demented system! Attitudes and emotions really are as contagious as they say. That’s why a lot of people can’t stand to hang with those who are depressed as it brings them down, too.

Tom listened patiently as I bitched about it and for that, I am truly grateful. The poor guy’s had to put up with so much himself on account of these sickos.

I’m 37 years old and my 30s have been nothing but freeloaders! They’ll forever be the highlights of my 30s just like loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and struggling to make ends meet were the highlights of my 20s.

Tom thinks it’s possible that the cheeks will never be here again and that he won’t test me because he doesn’t think it’s necessary, but I doubt it. Especially the testing part of it and especially if he doesn’t have any say in the matter. It’s just that the tests cost them money, Tom pointed out, but with all the money this state takes people for, they can well afford it. Controlling me would be worth the few bucks it’d cost them. Besides, I could never cost them a microscopic fraction of what the freeloaders have cost us, trust me.

The diet, which started off well, isn’t going too well anymore. Not that I haven’t stuck to it, cuz I have. I woke up down 2 pounds after the first day, down another pound after the second day, then nothing at all today and yesterday. I’ve been stuck for a day and a half so I hope that’s all it is. I’d hate to end up working so hard for so little. Stuck or not, and that is a common problem with dieting, no one should have 1000 calories or less in 3 days and still weigh the same, so if I wake up at 130 again tomorrow, I’m going to be a bit worried and a lot discouraged.

In other news, my hair’s an inch shy of the middle of my ass when pulled straight. I still wish I had thin straight hair for the most part. Instead of damaging it with the straightening iron, I let it get to where it’s nearly dry after washing it, then I gather it into one or two ponytails and put elastics down the ponytails a couple of inches apart. It dries up straighter that way.

Tom said he’s 95% done with the truck and that he’s still confident we’ll have an AC running in it before it gets hot. I hope so! There’s still always the chance, though, that he runs into other problems as he puts the engine back together.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2003 Just 4 more days till I’m humiliated beyond imagination. I’m surprised my heart isn’t pounding with dread, though I’m sure it will be once it gets close. I still don’t understand how he can agree that my being on probation is pointless, yet not cut my visits down. That’s rather hypocritical when you think about it. He’s such an all-or-nothing kind of guy, but so are most people, unfortunately. Everything has to be one way or another. There’s no happy medium. No grays between the whites and blacks.

At least the freeloaders tripled my music collection. Thanks to them and their hate and vengeance, I’m not stuck listening to the same old, same old music forever, though I’ll always love the music of the 70s and 80s.

The purple glass fish died. See, this is why we shouldn’t have wasted our time and money on fish. They die left and right. I’m going to let them die off and just keep frogs and betas. At least the beautiful angelfish are doing well. The algae eater has grown since we got it. It’s one of those that grows for as long as it lives.

In other animal news, the prairie dogs are back! That sure was fast. I was wondering if they’d come out as late as March like they did in ’00, or January like last year. I’m glad they’re back. The only thing I don’t like about them is their squeaking. It’s so loud that it’s woken me up a few times. Until I realized what it was, I thought it was the rat’s or mice’s wheels squeaking. The prairie dog I saw appeared to remember me and that there was food here because it gathered up what I put out rather quickly and didn’t run down into its hole when I opened the door.

Of course, we see rabbits hanging out all year long.

Just 12 views of our land album and over 1000 of one of the albums with me in it! Two more downloads this week too, which makes it a total of 18. I think they were from my Wildlife album.

We checked and found that the reason Chris hasn’t been sent yet was that they’re to be closed till the 6th, so it’ll probably be a week and a half before the doll gets here. They haven’t even taken the money yet.

The ear doctor’s secretaries have been giving me the runaround. I can’t get them to tell me a simple little thing – that they did get the referral that was posted on the 17th of last month so I can make an appointment. Instead, they’re costing us a fortune in long-distance calls and making empty promises of getting back to me. If they don’t want to see me for whatever reason, can’t they just say so? I wanted to just forget it and clean it myself with oil, but after Tom checked it out, he said it really looks like it needs to be done and says he’ll play phone with them and get the appointment made.

I miss the days when you could just call a doctor and make a damn appointment! Now you have to fight with a maze of answering machines only to usually end up nowhere. It seems only dentists have real people still answering their phones.

Instead of getting the bike, we might be getting something different which Tom saw on the HSC. They had 1,200 left and he ordered one online after verifying it was what they said it was. It’s just pedals instead of a bike, but there’s something about it that makes it quiet so we can hear the TV while we’re using it, and it only costs $70. He says they usually run for $140. We haven’t received a tracking link for it yet, so we don’t know for sure if we’re going to get it. At least they use UPS if we do.

Yesterday, after just two days of dieting, I was down 3 pounds, but today I woke up the same at 130. I still don’t think it’ll take me the 8-10 weeks I thought it’d take me. It should be more like 4 weeks at the earliest and 6 at the latest. It depends on how badly my weekly snacks set me back. This week I may get a bigger snack than originally planned because I’ve already lost a week’s worth of weight in just a few days. As long as I lose at least 3 pounds a week, I’ll be ok.

Tom went to the hardware store yesterday and got the strips of wood we’ll need for the doors, plus a plain white soft toilet seat for my bath.

Oh, and he also got a spray gun for the front hose so I can take the rat’s cage out and clean it. It’s just too big for the shower stalls.

Now for a quick Mary update before I go work out and do some cleaning. I put my foot down as far as the favors for others go unless it’s something as simple as email. Even she said she knew I’d want to kill her for this and to let her know if she was overwhelming me, but could I please print a copy of a certain set of poems some doctor wrote for her friend Brandi? I said I would, but no more favors of this kind after this. I don’t know these people. They’re her friends, not mine. Besides, I work for her.

She offered to send stamps which I thought was really nice. It’d help. Especially when I send all the stuff she wants sent to Florida, but why must it always be me? Can’t her aunt send some of this stuff? She mailed me some photos as well as some cards, and I told her to let me know how many pictures I can send at once when she gets to Florida. I don’t want to be getting a bunch of stuff returned to me.

I emailed a copy of her book to someone named Terri for her as she asked. I forget how she knows Terri. I think she’s a social worker of some kind.

She says Monster’s trial begins on the 6th, she has court on the 7th, will probably be at Estrella till around the 15th, and life with Virginia still sucks, but she’s surviving. I guess she just tries to ignore the cracks she makes.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2003 Looks like Michelle hasn’t dumped Mary after all, and no, I’m not embarrassed or upset over the fact that I sent the earlier journals. This is a stranger whose opinions are meaningless to me. If she mentions it to Mary, and I’m sure she will, all I have to say is that I sent it to her by accident.

Anyway, Michelle says she’s just been busy and hasn’t been on her computer. She has over 200 emails. I’ll have Tom mail her message I enclosed with a letter to Mary tonight, and hope she gets it before she leaves.

Hopefully, Mary will be able to let me know soon if she is leaving for sure or if she’s going to be sticking around a while longer. I’d like to know and understand more about the outcome of the AZ case and what’s to be happening with the FL case, but for reasons I can’t fathom, Mary’s rather secretive about this. I can’t imagine why, though, since she’s got nothing to hide. She’s not the one who did the abusing.

I really do hope she moves soon. Not just so no one could possibly recognize my name on my mail to her and get nosy, but I don’t want to have to visit her at Estrella at the end of the year. It isn’t because I don’t want to see her, but I just don’t want to return to that jail! I don’t want to have to wait forever to see her, either.

I wish there was a way of letting Teddy Bear know just how much I ended up falling in love with her and how much I miss her and wonder about her, not that it’d necessarily do me any good. Yes, I still miss her and long to be in her arms. I can close my eyes and feel exactly what it’d be like, too. I can still see her face and hear her voice as clearly as I did nearly two years ago.

I’m still also sorry she never cared enough, in the end, to follow through with her word about seeing me. I believe her feelings at the time were sincere, but I know that today, she probably hardly remembers me and barely ever thinks of me.

Or, as I theorized before, maybe she cared more for me than I thought and maybe that’s why she never contacted me. I’d like to think that the reason she blew me off was just that she fell too hard for a married, long-distance woman. Not that someone talked her out of seeing me, that Ida may’ve said something, that she may’ve got wind about my mail pertaining to her, or simply because someone else stole her heart (although I wouldn’t want her to be alone and lonely). Of course, there’s still always the slim chance she never got the letter, lost my number, or was simply too shy to call.

I think of all the possibilities that could’ve happened had we gotten together and wonder if I should be glad I never got the chance to find out for sure just what would’ve happened. Would I simply have seen her a few times a year? How long would she have been in my life? Would we have become intimate? Would we have both fallen so deeply in love that I’d be willing to risk giving up my home/security to go live with her (though I can’t see myself dumping on Tom like that or being able to live with never seeing him again) and if so, how long would it have lasted? What would a relationship with her be like? As good as I think it’d be? Would we have gotten sick of each other at some point?

Well, I guess I’ll never know what might’ve been, just like she’ll never know just how much I came to love her. I was hot with lust for her, but I was also in love with her. I’m sure I always will be, too.

This isn’t good; starting off a new year still teary-eyed over Teddy Bear. Damn you girl for doing this to me! God, a simple little phone call would’ve been nice. Just a quick little explanation would’ve been better than to be completely ignored. I don’t know, perhaps she felt it was best for both of us.

Although hungry as expected, the diet’s going well so far. I feel I’ve already lost a pound or two. I may actually be able to lose more like 5-10 pounds a week on this diet, and at first I worried that’d cause the cheeks to want to test me more than just one more time, but I’m not going to stop or slow down my dieting for the freeloaders. They’ve had enough control over my body as it is. I also have a voice that can say “no” to any more testing and be the one to call the shots, for once, as far as what I do. One more test. Period. He can have all the non-observed tests he wants, he can even have me strip-searched, but just one more test with eyes upon me.

Anyway, after I’ve been up for 5 hours is when I have my popcorn, and once I’ve been up for 10, I have my meal. At least I have that to look forward to. That’s the one time I get to eat till I’m full, though I’ll be so hungry by then that I don’t know if that meal will exactly fill me up.

We took pre-diet pictures of each other and although mine came out dark, it serves its purpose. I am one big girl! It’s ok, though, it’s all going away. All this fat shall be melted away. I’m totally determined this time around. Perhaps they are right when they say you can’t lose weight for others and that if you try, you’ll most certainly fail. I failed to lose weight for Teddy Bear when I thought she was a person of her word and that I’d surely be seeing her, but this time around will be different. I’ll make sure of it.

The only one I’m skeptical about is Tom. He, like most guys, doesn’t do a very good job at sticking to diets. He only lost a substantial amount of weight once since I knew him. That was back around the mid-90s and he packed the weight right back on. It seems it’s harder for him to stick to exercise than dieting, and exercise is the key to keeping the lost weight off.

We’re hoping to hit the hardware store and get the bike tomorrow.

If I don’t see a link real soon telling me that Chris is on her way, I’m going to be worried. Especially now that the holidays are over. If we don’t, Tom will go to their site and read more about what they say about shipping time. We know UPS takes 3-4 days, but they might not ship the doll out for 4-6 weeks. Hopefully, we’ll find something out soon. It’d really suck if they did send her and UPS misdelivered her. I’ve never known them to be like that, though. That’s why we made it a point to order from those who use UPS and not the post office.

So when I’m between 100-110, I’m skinny, between 110-120, I’m so-so, I’m chunky in the 120s, and fat once I hit 130.

I wonder what’s going on with Webshots. They still haven’t updated the daily pic section.

Tom still insists he wants to get it on, but hasn’t initiated sex only because of my lack of interest, and I still don’t know what to think. I guess I mostly think he’s as uninterested as I am, just by his actions, but what if he’s telling the truth? Then I’d feel guilty. But what would I do about it? Should I lie and say I suddenly want to get it on?

But I don’t. It was Teddy Bear I wanted sex with, but since that will never be, I’m just not interested in doing it with anyone at all. At least not now I’m not. Maybe things will change in time, though I don’t know when. I have a feeling that since I’ve settled into this mode for the last two years, I’m going to stay this way for a very long time, but anything beats being horny all the time and wanting a kid. It was hell on me, totally depressing, to constantly want sex with someone with such a low appetite, and to want a kid I couldn’t have. Besides, sex for the most part with Tom was boring. It was ok in the beginning when it was new, save for the fact that he rarely came, but then in time, with or without his cumming, it just got old. As I said before, the same thing would’ve eventually happened with Teddy Bear.

Later…

Well, now I know what they were working on in back. Yes, that horse is theirs, and they did put up a little corral of some type. Naturally, it had to be in front and towards the side of their house that’s closest to ours. Time will tell if this horse thing is a good thing or not. I wonder if it’ll smell more, but perhaps not with just one horse that’s 400 and something feet away. I guess besides making Maricopa a little smellier, the only real harm it could do would bring more outside activity. Activity that could get close to the house. If the worst they could do, though, is take away a little more of our privacy by riding by the house, then I’ll take it cuz there’s worse shit they could do. They don’t play music that can be heard inside the house and that’s the main thing right there. I’d rather them trash our land, stink the air up, and be outside screaming and barking non-stop than hear shit, particularly the thump of bass or drums, in this house. This might be a good sign. They have been quiet and I’ve always said that it’s the quiet people who move too soon. Well, you wouldn’t normally go out and get a horse, then up and move. I’d say they’ll be here for at least 5 years.

I’m just surprised George would allow it, although if you allow section 8, you’ll pretty much allow anything. Maybe he sold the land and a new owner took over. After all, I haven’t seen his truck in a while.

There’s still house number 4 to be brought in, though, and who’s to say what’ll end up living in that? At least the one closest to us has turned out to be ok. It’s a bitch, but all we have to do is move as soon as God sics us with problem neighbors again. I’m not about to stick around and take the same old shit all over again, believe me! At least they can’t torture us from closer than about 400’!

Well, I guess I’ll go play phone with the doctor’s office and try to set up an ear-cleaning appointment.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2003 Maricopa, AZ Age 37

My starting weight is 133. Ridiculous. Absolutely sickening to weigh that much at this height! But that’s all the more motivation it’ll give me. I’ll have Tom disgust me further when he gets in by taking my pre-diet picture.

Meanwhile, just one more year, freeloaders, just one more year! Almost, anyway, though I know I can’t stop God from picking someone else to sic on me to replace the blacks. All I know is that in about 300 days from now, nothing I do, nothing I say, no place I go, no check or money order we write out, nor my schedule, will ever again be connected to these blacks.

This is the year I rid my life of the bitch forever, the year I get thin again and stay that way for a while, not allowing freeloaders or any other people/circumstances to cause me to regain the weight till I’m ready to do so. The year I, Jodi Lin S, AKA Mystery, Dawn, whatever…shall begin a career in doll making. There are 3 steps to that. One, I get the equipment/supplies and learn to make dolls. Two, I make the dolls I want to make for myself. Three, I sell dolls.

Mary was doing well there for a while with better punctuation, but it was short-lived. Some of the stuff had nothing but commas and I’d have to stop, go back, and decide whether or not that comma should be a period. Sometimes there were even commas where they shouldn’t be. I don’t understand this. Could it be a particular way of teaching at the convent? I doubt it. I can’t imagine any teacher teaching their students to write without punctuation or caps. Especially without punctuation. Anyway, it gets frustrating at times, but I know she’s trying and I understand that habits take time to change. As long as she’s working on it, though. Especially when I’m busier making dolls. That way I can type stuff twice as fast. One step at a time, though. She need not bother with caps yet, just give me periods along with the commas so I know where the ends of sentences are!

It’s a good thing we got only one Flovent inhaler cuz I may have to stop it cuz it’s making my voice hoarse. Once I suspected the Flovent was to blame for this, I checked the list of adverse reactions listed with it and hoarseness was one of them.

The other day Tom came to me and said it just hit him as far as how to fix the doors go. We’ve been going about it all wrong, he told me, and I agreed. Putting barely stickable weather stripping up just to have it fall down was a waste. Anyway, he told me that all we have to do is get some strips of wood the next time he’s at a hardware store and put it in the gap up top. The damn door’s too low and doesn’t quite meet up with the frame up top. We can do the same with the back door.

As for the front door’s leak, Tom caulked the sill from outside the other day, and when the sun comes up I’ll test it by hosing water on it, but somehow I doubt it’s fixed. It’s like we’re doomed to have something that we can’t stop from leaking no matter where we go. We could live in 100 more houses yet each one would have its share of leaks, some of which were unstoppable.

We took the rat guard out of Tom’s office doorway (the curtain rod we screwed in between the floor and underside of the door) and we’ll take the one out in the retreat door just as soon as we get wood for it to make an extension that the rats can’t get through.

Our last mollie died yesterday, and the mouse is still in the house, so I discovered yesterday while I was reading in bed. I saw it run from the bathroom and go behind the nightstand. I set up the trap by it, but just like I thought after I dropped it when I had it trapped in the utility area, I didn’t catch it. I just don’t think I’m going to catch this one. It’s too clever for some reason. Most mice are dumb, but this one remembers the trauma associated with it and avoids it. The big question is, has the mouse been in the house all along? Or is it coming and going through openings we missed? Nonetheless, it hasn’t hurt anything so it can live with us till the next time we bomb, although all it has to do is run down in the vents to escape the fumes, even if we did seal it up so it can’t get outside. I just hope it doesn’t have babies in the house. I love mice, but we don’t need a bunch of them living loose in the house or down in the vents. I miss ceiling vents!

I’m sorry to say that there might be a horse living at the renters. Tom said he heard them trying to teach a kid to ride a bike the other day when he was out working, and I was like, on dirt? What a way to learn! Not that I don’t like horses, but I hope I’m wrong. We have enough horse shit stench in the air as it is, and that’d be just one more thing to drag these people outside. They’re outside so much of the time as it is. They’re always home and always outside unless it’s hot. That’s the pattern I’ve noticed in the year that they’ve been here anyway. If the horse is theirs, that means our land has to be ridden on (till we get fences) and it’d be a wonderful way to bring loud, shrilly kids closer to the house. Besides, what are they going to do? Keep it tethered to their front tree? That’s ridiculous. Shouldn’t they have fences if they’re going to have horses? I’ll check it out when the sun comes up, but hopefully it’s just a case of them knowing someone who came to visit via their horse and it was just waiting for them.

Then again, I don’t remember seeing any saddle or ropes attached to it, so maybe it got loose. But it was there for quite a while and they’d had to have seen it, though I didn’t see any people out when I spotted the horse. Hmm… guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Later…

Oh, my God, I absolutely don’t believe it! I was right about the leak. It was seeping in under the sill. I just tested it and all is as dry as can be.

No horses in back that I can see of either.

[vgckwb]

P5R: Rebel Girl (A FeMC Story/P5R Rework) Chapter 214: The Middle

The next day, Ren decided to stop in Akihabara to see how Shinya was doing. Once she entered the arcade, she glanced at him and could feel an intense aura emitting from him. He wasn’t cursing up a storm as he usually does, but she could tell that a storm was brewing all the same.

She approached him cautiously, and waited for him to finish the round. Once he was done, she said “Um, hi.”

Shinya turned the game’s gun on her. Ren jumped up for a second. Shinya, realizing it was just Ren, lowered the gun, and said “Oh. …Sorry.”

Ren chuckled. “Eh heh. It’s fine. How are you doing?” Shinya grunted. “You wanna talk about it?”

Shinya paused for a moment. “...Fine.” Ren nodded. They went outside and grabbed some drinks from the vending machine. “Every time I think about how Takekuma cheated, I get mad. But it's even worse when I think about how he treated you.”

“I know it’s frustrating,” Ren said, “but it’s not healthy to obsess over, you know?”

“Mmmm,” Shinya grunted. “It’s not just him though. Plenty of people look down on me or my mom. I’m sick of it!”

Ren sighed. “I can’t say that you’re wrong, but… I don’t know if you’re going about this the right way.”

“What should I do then?!” Shinya responded. “Let them get away with it?! Just let them walk all over me.”

“Well, no…” Ren tentatively agreed. “But it’s important not to escalate things. I mean, I tried that, and it only made my situation worse.”

“Hmmmm,” Shinya pondered. “So then what?”

“Well…maybe you should try to level with them,” Ren suggested.

“Level with them?” Shinya replied.

Ren nodded. “Yeah. Just try talking things through with them. I mean, I don’t know if it’ll work entirely, but it's better than just trying to channel your unbridled fury at them.”

Shinya looked down. “Perhaps you’re right. Although I doubt that Takekuma is up for something like that.”

“Well, in some cases, it is better to just let go and not talk to them again,” Ren said.

“I’m not sure that’ll happen,” Shinya said. “He’s the kind of guy that likes to make people feel small, so I think he’ll be back.”

“True…” Ren said.

Shinya smirked. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be prepared. I think I know how to get around his cheating, but I’ll have to work at it. But thanks to you, I’m not going to get distracted by my rage.”

Ren giggled. “That’s the spirit!”

Tower-Shinya Oda: Rank 5

“So, wanna go practice for a bit?” Ren suggested.

Shinya chuckled. “You know it!” The two recycled their drinks, and then played Gun About until Shinya had to head home.

As Ren was leaving Akihabara, she got a message from Haru.

Haru: Hello.

Haru: Would you mind accompanying me for a bit?

Haru: I want to look into different styles of food and drink.

Ren: Of course.

Ren: Um, where do you want to go?

Haru: I was thinking about going to a hotel called the Wilton.

Haru: They have an exquisite buffet.

Ren: I’m aware.

Ren: We went there after we took down Kamoshida.

Haru: Oh. I see.

Haru: Well then, I’m sure you know how good it is.

Ren: I’ll meet you there.

Haru: Alright.

Haru: See you soon.

Ren: Seeya!

Ren put her phone away, and headed to the Wilton.

Once she and Haru were there, they grabbed some food, and took a seat. Haru had also ordered coffee for the two of them, and it quickly arrived.

Haru chuckled. “The service here really is nice.”

“Indeed,” Ren agreed.

Haru nodded. “I’ve come here often with my father, so I know the food is good.” She glanced at her coffee cup. “But I’ve only recently been getting into coffee. I want to get a sense of how good things are all around if I wish to make something that’s good.”

Ren looked at her coffee. “This…isn’t ordinary coffee, is it?”

Haru giggled. “How could you tell?”

“I’ve spent enough time in Leblanc to grow accustomed to things,” Ren answered.

“Well, you’re right,” Haru said. “This is dark ivory coffee. Apparently one cup costs 6,000 yen.”

Ren was surprised. “Um, I can take care of my bill…”

Haru chuckled. “It's quite alright I invited you here, so I can take care of things. Besides, as your senpai, I don’t mind treating you as my kohai.”

“I see,” Ren said.

“In any case, I think it’s worth a try,” Haru said. “I want only the best for the customers, so if this is the best, I’ll take note of it.” She lifted her cup. “Cheers.”

Ren did the same. “Cheers.” They took a drink. “Hmmmmm… This has a strange mellow flavor, with a hint of bitterness. Very different than what’s at Leblanc.”

“I agree,” Haru said. “But that comes with its own issues. I do think it tastes good, but I can hardly say that this is coffee. Apparently, it was brewed using beans gathered from elephant dung.”

Ren was shocked. “Wait, what?!”

Haru nervously chuckled. “Sorry. I was afraid if you knew beforehand you wouldn’t give it a try.”

“Well…” Ren replied. “I dunno…”

“Thanks for being so kind about this,” Haru said. “But this is actually a little more common than you think. Another kind of rare coffee, kopi luwak, is made from gathering beans from the feces of a small cat called a civet.”

“You know,” Ren remarked. “Truth really is stranger than fiction.”

Haru giggled. “Perhaps if we’re nice enough, maybe Mona-chan would let us make coffee with his beans.”

“I think we’d have to ask him first,” Ren said.

“Of course,” Haru said. “But if it tastes good enough, it could become Leblanc’s specialty. Oh, but we need him for operations and stuff. And I imagine harvesting the beans would be a full time job.”

"I guess that’s true too,” Ren said.

“Hmmm,” Haru thought. “Coffee is a lot more complex the more you think about it.”

“True,” Ren agreed, “but the same could be said about anything.”

Haru chuckled. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Haru?!” A voice said. Haru and Ren turned around. Haru recognized the man as Takekura. “I didn’t expect people your age coming here.”

“Oh, Takekura-san,” Haru replied. “Are you here on business?”

“You could say that,” Takekura replied. "Right now, we’re planning a meeting with investors, and we’re looking into different venues. Neutral territory is beneficial for all parties.”

“I see…” Haru said.

“If you do insist on coming, this place might be a good pick,” Takemura continued. “I mean, you clearly enjoy the food.”

“Right,” Haru said.

“But then again, it would be more beneficial if you just let us handle things,” Takakura added. “I’m sure you have a lot on your plate otherwise.”

“I’m fine,” Haru retorted. “I want what’s best for the company too. And I feel like if I let go, I don’t have as much of a say.”

“I see,” Takekura said. “I’ll keep that in mind. But for tonight, let me take care of the bill.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t,” Haru protested.

“I insist,” Takekura said. “After all, I am your elder.”

“Well, if you insist…” Haru said.

Takekura nodded. “You just focus on enjoying your evening with your friend here.”

Haru nodded back. “Right.” Takekura nodded once more, and left to take care of the bill.

“Is that the guy you were telling me about earlier?” Ren asked.

Haru nodded. “Takakura-san. He’s really adamant about me giving up my control.”

Ren shrugged. “He seems nice enough.”

“Yeah…” Haru said. “But I don’t know if I want to give it up without fully communicating what I want. And I’m working on that right now.” She sighed. “I know I told him I was fine, but my plate is as full as he says it is. Between school, being a Phantom Thief, and the business, I’m a little more exhausted than ever. But I also feel more whole, if that makes sense.”

“I think it does,” Ren said.

Haru smiled. “Thanks. You always know just what to say.”

Empress-Haru Okumura: Rank 4

Haru sighed. “I just wish I could figure out how to make dishes even half as good as this.”

“You wanna know something?” Ren said. Haru nodded. “Sumire’s mom is a chef here.”

Haru was surprised. "Really?!”

Ren nodded. “Maybe we can ask to stop over at her place sometime to get a demonstration or something.”

Haru nodded. “That sounds wonderful.” Haru checked the time. “It’s starting to get a little late. Let’s finish what we have and call it a night. But I will talk to Sumire about your idea.” Ren chuckled. They finished their food, and headed home for the night.

[mperik]

[...] Ailill was quite easy to get along with. It was just that forming bonds with others was a bit complicated for him for the moment. Death had taken his wife away from him and he was afraid to lose all the ones he could become close with. He feared nothing more than Oona being stolen from him. But with Erik, it was more than evident that there was or would be some chemistry between them. "Thank you. It's part of why I like Mount Phoenix. I don't feel the constant stress and frenzy of Seoul. It kinda reminds me of Dublin." He paused, looking for the right words. "Big city but livable, if that makes sense." His gaze fixed on Erik's face as he mentioned his apartment, his living room, his couch. Ailill wasn't an idiot, he was able to read between the lines and none of his students had brought up their personal spaces before. Especially not after proposing more public possibilities. "Why not ? It seems welcoming" he answered, his tone a bit lower than his usual one. Oh, Apollo ! Ailill had heard about some of the gods dwelling on the island and he had been quite delighted to learn about such an artist's presence in Mount Phoenix. He would very much like to meet him, maybe even sing or play music with him. "That would be great, if it's not a bother to him, of course." The staff cafeteria was truly a nice place, full of light and warmth. There was a few other persons there but none paid them any attention. It was nice, to be able to speak of more personal things in such a nice and peaceful atmosphere. The singer knew that some people weren't really interested by other's children so he decided not to bury Erik under the hundred pictures of Oona in his phone (there was even more on his laptop) so he put the device down after a few moments, taking a sip of his drink. He grinned as he answered. "Mmm… We like to talk walks, especially in the park or on the beach. I sing and play music to her a lot, my powers don't work on children, thankfully. Oh and right now, she's begging me for a puppy !"

“I guess I got what you mean, Mount Phoenix does carry a relaxing, serene vibe with it, definitely not like London,” Erik chuckled, could not help adding to his thought about the island city with a subtle smile. “For me, this place feels like a peaceful chaos. Everything and everyone can thrive, good and bad alike.” 

His grey eyes met Ailill’s in silent mutual understanding. The answer was clear, the shift in the other’s voice tone was noticeable, giving Erik a confirmation that Ailill had picked up the hint and intended to play along. The corners of his lips tugged up, and his smile was bright with innocence, but if looking close enough, one may recognize that the gleams in his eyes were borderline sinister. While it was still too soon to make the next move, he knew the elder was interested, and that satisfied him for now. “Brilliant! Just give me a call when you can arrange a time for the lesson, I’ll make sure my place is all ready to welcome you.”

Erik gave a light shake of his head as Ailill posed his concern about bothering Apollo. While he had not yet known the Greek god beyond the boundary of the employer-employee relationship, he got enough evidence to believe in the god’s readiness to help. “I’m confident that Pollo man will be happy to give you a hand, it’s right up his alley, and it’ll contribute to the success of the PAC, his own business, you see.” 

Erik let the coffee scent, the ambient noises of a few people talking in the background, and Ailill’s warm voice soothe his fidgety. While the son of Apep often presented himself as poised and collected, his tendency to fidget could be difficult to control at times, especially in one-on-one conversations with those he had just met. Luckily, Ailill’s calm aura made it easy for him to relax, and soon Erik found himself genuinely smiling at Oona’s photos and Ailill’s stories about their life. 

“Oh, I often take a walk in the park as well! Mostly in late afternoon, sometimes in early morning. Have you tried the food stalls just outside the entrance? There is one that sells churros and another sells hot chocolate, they’re my favorites.” 

His face brightened up when Ailill mentioned Oona’s wish to have a puppy. He leaned in slightly, his smile grew wider with pure joy.

“Hey, I also want to adopt a puppy! I’ve been wanting a samoyed or maltese for so long, but could not have a place for a pet until now. I’m thinking of adopting one with my best friend, maybe we can all visit the shelter sometime soon?”

[angelst4re]

Reader needing to be a cockwarmer for Jamie some nights to be able to go to sleep. No necessarily sex, just the closeness. And Jamie is more than happy to oblige.

oh lord... this>>>> IM OBSESSED. i hope you like it love!! <3

cockwarming jamie because you can't sleep!

୨♡୧ not quite smut... but it's still nsfw!! don't read it if you're uncomfortable! <3

You had been tossing and turning for the past hour, trying to get comfortable in your bed. You tried lying on your back, your left side, your right side, your front… and nothing was working. You hoped you would fall asleep before Jamie would get home so you didn’t keep him awake with all your moving around. When you heard a car door shut outside, you groaned in frustration and threw one of the pillows to the other side of the room and got out of bed to greet your boyfriend. You slipped on a fluffy robe and threw the pillow back onto the bed before going downstairs. 

“Hi love, I didn’t expect you to come back so soon.” You say before yawning, throwing your arms around his waist.

“I did text you,” he says before placing a kiss on your forehead, “you should go to sleep-”

“I can’t.” You sigh, “I’ve been trying for almost an hour now. I couldn’t get comfortable.” 

“Maybe I can help,” he chuckles, “you always say you almost fall asleep when I play with your hair.” He peels your arms off of him, leaving you with a frown on your face, “I’ve got one last phone call to make, darling, then I’ll be up, okay?” 

You nod your head and he kisses your cheek before sitting at the kitchen table, phone in his hand. You go back up to your bedroom and take your robe off, hanging it up on the door before getting back into bed wearing only one of Jamie’s t-shirts. 

You rearrange the pillows and lie back, patiently waiting for your boyfriend to come up. After a few minutes you hear the stairs creak, meaning he’s on his way. He gently opens the door, just in case you had fallen asleep, but when he sees you sitting up typing away on your phone he knows he no longer has to try being quiet. 

“Still can’t sleep?” He asks, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his trousers. You shake your head. 

“No,” you sigh, “how was your day?” 

“Oh, the usual,” he starts to explain whilst undressing, leaving him in just his boxers as he slips into bed beside you. When he pulls you towards him, you get an idea. Something you had done maybe twice before on nights when you can’t sleep. 

“Jamie…” You begin, looking up at your boyfriend as he runs his fingers up and down your arm, “do you think I could- I mean, would you let me…” You don’t know how to ask, too embarrassed to say ‘sorry Jamie I can’t sleep and I’ve missed you all day, can you put your cock in me to see if it will help?’

“What’s that, darling?” He asks, kissing your shoulder, “what do you want?”

“To feel full… I need to feel you, please-”

“Shh,” he hushes you, “you need my cock, baby? Is that it?” 

“Yes, please.” You whisper, feeling one his hands leave you. He pulls his boxers down his thighs, then realises it’ll be easier to just take them off entirely. 

“Come here then,” he whispers, helping you onto his lap. He takes his cock, positioning it so you can just slide down onto it. When you do, you let out a sigh, “feeling better?” He asks. 

“Yes,  thank you.” You mutter into his shoulder as your body is pressed against his. Your eyes fall shut almost instantly. 

After a while, Jamie pulls the covers up over the both of you. However, his hips jerk slightly as he reaches down, causing you to groan in your sleep, your hips starting to move themselves back and forwards slowly. Jamie tries his best not to move again, not wanting to disturb you anymore, although your movements were tempting him, he knew better than to fuck you in your sleep- although the two of you had talked about it before. 

Instead, he decided to move you so you now laid on your side next to him. When his cock slipped out of you, you let out a small groan again, but this time you woke up.

“Jamie?” You whispered, still partially asleep. 

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m still here, I’m just moving you, baby, you can have my cock again in a second, okay?” 

You take a deep breath as he slips back into you, you push your ass back against him to feel him deeper as he wraps an arm around your side. 

“You can go back to sleep, darling. I’m right here.” He tells you, placing a kiss on your shoulder before falling asleep beside (and inside) you.

taglist- @jamiesleftsock @autumnbower @jamesmcavoyfan1 @missyviolet123 @lov3rsl4ke @batmvx @slutforphoebebridgers @jamiehale @papivolturi @fallingforunrealisticromance if i missed you out i’m really sorry!! i’m still new to this <3

[meimi-haneoka]

Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Chapter 66: Comments + JP-ENG translation differences

Dear CCS fans, welcome back to our appointment with insanity after two months of withdrawal 😂😂 How are you? Last time we gathered here to comment chapter 65, I said that was the first chapter of the future volume 14, but lo and behold, it wasn’t true!! 😂 Yep, because a couple of weeks later Kodansha revealed the cover and details of volume 13, and we found out it’ll be bigger than the other volumes: 192 pages instead of 160, giving it room to print chapter 65 in that same volume. Therefore, the one that will open the future volume 14 will be the chapter we will analyze today, chapter 66! Unexpectedly, this chapter made me laugh a lot! More for some personal ideas than anything else, but I wasn’t expecting that 😂 This time around there are some clarifications to be made about a particular scene (I think it is a misunderstanding, OF COURSE, at the expense of Kaito). And some other things to point out. But before doing that, let me put the Gif of the Month here. This is literally what I will think about everytime I will see Yelan, from now on:

The Color page

Mermaid Sakura!! ...Or so the JP text says on the color page 😂 Very pretty as usual, with all those pearls it reminded me a bit of Akiho’s dress….but it doesn’t give me the feeling of the color page opening a last volume of a series. Compare it with the color page that opened volume 12 of the old series….it was a color page that indicated clearly where the story was going and what would be the climax of the series. This one seems quite....generic? Pretty, yes, but not very worthy as the introduction to a last volume. Should we infer that volume 14 won’t be the last one just by this? It’s probably too soon to say, but….seeing the pacing of this chapter, I’m almost tempted to say that it won’t be.

The Red Queen’s Castle

We left our Cat and Alice (I’ll call them that, since calling them with the name of the corresponding characters wouldn’t sound too correct right now, cause it really seems like I was right last time: our Sakura went with someone who’s not Syaoran) flying on the back of the Shade Card (shaped after the Jabberwocky), and they finally reach what will probably be their final destination? The Red Queen’s Castle.

And let me tell you, the art for the castle is really impressive, I absolutely loved it. Featuring those same clocks that appeared in the play, the gear decorations, the roses and the thorns….but most importantly, the black and white duality, that will be a constant throughout the castle. Despite not remembering who she really is, Alice is very observant and makes questions: she notices the castle and surroundings are made of iron and stone, but the part underneath is made of crystal. She asks why, but the Cat makes a pensive face and doesn’t reply. They land, Shade gets dispelled, and here’s the page that probably gave me the most creeps in this chapter… Alice looks at the Cat, quite intimidated, and the stare he gives back…..yeah it probably gave the chills to more than one of you, right? 😅He seems...quite displeased….maybe because of the questions she made? Alice does seem to not trust this Cat completely… The Cat, probably realizing that, fine-tunes his behavior and welcomes officially Alice to the Red Queen’s castle, telling her that she’s waiting for her.

Spartan Methods

Somewhere else, two people we haven’t been seeing since long time open a conversation through a magic portal: it’s our favorite megane magician Eriol and our favorite mother in law Yelan!! 😂 I’d daresay it’s the “club of the excluded” 😂 Let me say that Yelan is gorgeous in this chapter, more than usual!! And so they waste no time: Eriol reveals that the infamous “no-touch” spell, the one that caused a shock to Syaoran everytime he tried to touch Sakura, was casted on the little wolf by none other than his own mother!! Now, please, as a Kaito fan, let me for one moment breathe this moment of freedom, cause this stuff of the no-touch spell has been going on ever since chapter 36, thirty chapters ago, and for the whole duration of it I kept seeing comments like “It was probably Kaito’s doing”, despite Syaoran ascertaining almost immediately that it wasn’t him. 😅Now that we know it was Yelan’s doing, hopefully I’ll stop seeing those comments around 😂 And, of course, hopefully that means that Sakura and Syaoran will be able to touch from now on. But why our Suegra (how the Spanish speaking fandom affectionately calls her!!) had to cast that spell? She explains it herself: she saw in a water divination (note: the ENG translation talks about a “dowsing” – I’m not too familiar with this term but my English speaking friends told me that it’s not entirely expressing the “water divination” connotation, hence why I specified it here. Water divination is, after all, Yelan’s specialty) that in the near future her son would’ve needed to discern a real Sakura from one that wasn’t her. Yelan knew it would’ve been impossible to distinguish with the mere eyesight and such. And here I have to point out something: the ENG translation makes it sound like this event will happen in the near future from now on, but no, she was actually referring to the time when she made the divination - the event in the end arrived, in the form of Syaoran realizing the one he rescued wasn’t Sakura but Mirror. Eriol lowkey calls her out, pointing out that causing a shock when they touched might have been a bit over the top, but Yelan replies: “Sometimes it’s necessary to rely exclusively on your touch sense, rather than your ability to think”. And here Eriol says something that made me laugh so much and probably will for the rest of the month: “And doing all of that without even telling to your own son…. Just as rumored, you’re quite Sparta(n)”. It’s different from what the ENG translation made her say, but it isn’t a mistake, as the use of the word “Sparta” in Japanese can also refer to being “strict”, indeed 😂but now you do understand why I chose that Gif of The Month for this chapter?? Yelan answers that level is actually soft for her (my gosh, this woman is unhinged) (and yes, another little difference with the ENG, which makes it look like *Eriol* was being gentle with her), but Eriol is worried for the situation: a card has been stolen, and it’s actually being used by the magician (Kaito).

After checking just now the Spanish translation, that I always trust with confidence even and especially where my skills are lacking, I can confirm that my initial impression on the scene that I'm about to analyze was correct: we have a translation mistake, and also quite heavy cause in the ENG version it makes it look like they're throwing shade at Kaito (as usual), when actually they're talking about something different. I checked other languages too, and while each one gives their own interpretation, the Spanish one is the one that I trust more because it's the most accurate out there, so I will put here how we intended that scene: ENG: "No matter what magical trickery he used to wrest the Card from its true master...her powers must not be as mature as we reckoned"

JP: "It was a Card that was ripped from its true master with a magic technique (by Syaoran). So I guess he didn't manage to pass all her power to its full capacity (into the card)" Basically. They're not talking about Kaito at all, here. Yelan is explaining that since Mirror was a Card ripped from Sakura by force, she was in a weakened state because not all of Sakura's power was passed into it when Syaoran executed the magic spell. And this weakened power was what probably made possible for Kaito to have the upper hand over Mirror (since we've been told before that the Cards have enough powers to resist being taken away, yes, BUT WHEN THEY'RE WITH SAKURA). Why am I sure this is the right interpretation? Because Kaito never took Mirror away directly from Sakura. It was Syaoran who did. And in fact, in this panel, we can see Sakura and Syaoran together. They're talking about them, not Kaito. And Yelan, as the strict mother she is, is giving responsability for what happened to who casted the magic technique, that is, her son Syaoran. Is it clearer now?

Eriol wonders how it’s possible that Yuna D. Kaito is always one step ahead of them. Yelan is sure he doesn’t have the power to see the future….but while everyone is racking their brains, here comes the other big excluded from the games: Kaho, who suggests that Kaito might be rewinding time repeatedly to fix stuff that didn’t go as he wanted. Yelan, with a worried expression, quickly points out that if he keeps doing that, his life will get definitely shaved off. Another reminder, if we needed any, that what Kaito is doing does have consequences on him. While Eriol and Yelan talk about this, we can see an image of Kaito in his Association attire “shattering away”. It’s a nice reminder that all these people know about Kaito are excerpts from his life at his ex-Association. They don't know anything of the current Kaito. Then, the question that even stones at this point are making themselves: what does he want to obtain? Why going that far? The group, alas, doesn’t know. (And this shatters my idea that maybe Eriol did understand about Akiho’s situation in those reports from the Association). But whatever it is, “it has already started”, as Eriol says. And here I want to point out a little clarification on who Eriol is precisely talking about in the next line: the JP text actually says

JP: “We can’t really do anything from here, just have faith in those two”

As you can see, the ENG mentions “the children”, and this could be mistaken as including a bit of the whole cast of children in Clear Card, but Eriol here is specifically referring to Sakura and Syaoran.

I know, I know it might seem like Eriol is conveniently retiring from the games (😂), but I actually think here he’s got enough trust in the capabilities and good heart of Sakura and Syaoran. I say “good heart” because I still believe Eriol got an inkling of what’s necessary to stop Kaito, as he hinted in the short story n. 4. And let’s not forget that the Clockland where Sakura and Akiho are in right now seems quite impenetrable. So even if he wanted, he wouldn't really be able to get access where they are right now.

BUUUT! Let’s go back to our Clockland indeed, because Alice and the Cat in the meantime reached the Gardens, and……

I Am The Red Queen

Yes, it’s *that* garden, my readers. The garden where Lilie sometimes met Kaito, but most importantly, the garden where Akiho met Kaito the first time. With the same arch of roses, fountain, rose bushes everywhere. I’ve always had the impression that was the garden of the villa where the Squid clan had its headquarters. Someone is sitting in the same spot Lilie, Akiho and Kaito himself used to sit on: it’s the Clear Card Promise, with the appearances of Yukito. Yukito greets Alice with a “good morning” but she rebuts that it’s night right now, so probably “good evening” would be more fitting. Yukito says that in this land the time doesn’t flow just in one direction, “ahead”. Sakura ponders what that means, and if the time speeds up or slows down, or even turns back….who decides for it? Yukito doesn’t answer, but smiles instead, in a very…..Kaito-like way. Alice, as we were saying, is very observant and she notices that the roses in that garden are all white, despite this being the Red Queen’s garden. How come? Weren’t they supposed to be red? And then, she says something peculiar:

JP: “This place….feels very important. To someone. Extremely important”

The Cat looks at her with a seemingly annoyed expression, and urges her to keep going. This, my readers, to me is the proof that behind the Cat that is accompanying our Alice/Sakura….there’s Kaito. Because yes, we already said it in last chapter, with that gazebo appearing out of nowhere, that the dream intertwined with this Clockland was probably Kaito’s. But here? This garden really screams “Kaito’s subconscious”, but even more so the Cat’s reaction to Sakura’s observation. Not answering. Changing subject. Trying to run away from an answer he isn’t ready to give yet. Yep, this Cat definitely behaves like him. The two proceed, but hey! Yukito isn’t done yet! In fact, he tells Alice (with Yue’s eyes, exactly like it happened when he released his kekkai some chapters ago) one last, important advice: “Don’t forget the promise you made”. But Alice’s answer is confused: “To whom?” Now, we probably all remember how the Promise Card was born in the first place; it was due to a promise that Sakura made together with Yukito that she would tell immediately to her brother, should Yukito end up hurt because of the contract he made with the Tsukimine Shrine. But you see….I think in this scene it’s not so important the content of the promise per se. I think the Promise itself is the real important thing, because the impression I have is that this Promise could prompt Sakura to remember about Yukito, and therefore helping her in remembering about her identity too.

Yukito gets covered by a transparent fabric (Lucid Card) and disappears. The Cat, once again, urges Alice to go forward. It almost seems as if the Cat….doesn’t want Alice to get distracted.

Passing through a big hallway (perfectly divided in black and white, like everything else in this castle), Alice poses another one of her questions to the Cat: she asks him if he ever met the Red Queen, and when he answers yes, she fires the next question: “what she’s like?” And how do you think our Cat replied to such a direct question? Yes, exactly, with another set of “…..” 😂 But it’s when Sakura asks “Does she resemble me?” that the Cat seems to be getting nervous...or irritated. Hm. That’s strange. She either touched a sensitive topic or the fact she made that question might have brought her one inch closer to destroy the spell she’s under, and the whole Clockland. The Cat, if he is who I think it is, of course won’t be happy about that.

And when the door to the Queen’s Room opens, it reveals another breathtaking scenery: water (a callback to the water in the color page? That’s why Sakura is a mermaid?), stairs (carefully divided in black and white), a pattern that seems precisely the one of Siege on the background, a rose and two people on the sides of the room: it’s Choice (with Touya’s appearance) and Kindness (with Fujitaka’s appearance.)

And on the background, there’s her.

The Red Queen introduces herself, still covered by that black veil, with a beautiful but sad expression. Akiho seems to have lost her sense of self too.

And waaaaah, this is how chapter 66 leaves us, with a big cliffhanger (as usual!) since reaching the Queen seemed the ultimate goal, and now in the next chapter we’ll probably begin to see what Kaito wants Sakura to do in this Clockland!!

A bit of random additional considerations on this chapter: as I had already stated in my post for chapter 64, when the play started, the characters of the play have all been featured with a different font than usual in the bubbles. They were playing a role, after all. If the character was talking outside the play (like, for example, Syaoran in previous chapter), that character would get a regular font. But the Sakura talking in the environment of the play (included *after* she crossed to the other side) and even the Syaoran who is accompanying her to the Red Queen right now, or the Red Queen herself, they all talk with a particular font. It might seem a little thing, but it’s actually VERY important to discern who’s *playing a role* and who is their genuine self. As I often said, Clear Card needs to be read on all its different levels, to be able to understand it fully in all its nuances.

I thought this might’ve been the first chapter of the very last volume of this sequel, but seeing the pace in which things happened in this chapter, I’m not so sure anymore. We’ll need to see the next one. And now, a quick reminder of the dates for the next chapter, chapter 67:

October 30th, on Bookwalker (digital, ENG) October 31st, on Clamp-fans and Comic-days (digital, JP and other languages) November 2nd, on Nakayoshi (paper and digital, JP)

As usual, I'll await for your questions and theories in my inbox! See you at the end of October!!

[transias]

Hello!! I saw your taking requests and I was wondering if you could write a johnny x reader where the reader is related to kreese maybe he's their uncle or godfather anyways one day kreese has the reader there with him to show them off and johnny connect's dots that there related , Its okay if you dont wanna write it I love your writing btw💕

An Unexpected Surprise.

Pairings: Johnny Lawrence x Godchild Kreese!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of death

A/N: Thank you so much, y'all are so sweet oml! will always be more than happy to write for all of you, so don't even worry about it <3

〰️

My parents had died about two weeks ago. Everything happened so quickly, I barely had time to process it.

It wasn't like I could put my life on pause for a moment. If my parents were here I know they would probably say something like, "(Y/n), keep going. You got this, life goes on no matter what happens. What matters is that you're brave enough to fight back and continue."

And that's what I was planning to do.

"(Y/n)?" A voice called out, pulling me away from my thoughts.

I look up and smile softly, "Kreese, it's so nice to see you!"

"Hey kiddo." He greets, "I haven't seen you in forever, you've grown up so much!" Kreese ruffles my hair, "I'm so sorry about your parents, how are you feeling?"

I shrug, "I don't know. I'm still processing it but i'm fine, it'll all be okay. Right?"

He nods, a smile curling onto his lips, "It will. Now come on, we have a drive ahead of us." He places his hand on my back, guiding me out to the car.

Kreese and I talked about settling into California, what I liked to do, and his job as a Karate Sensei.

"You know, (y/n). We could use someone as strong and wise like you in Cobra kai." He says.

I furrow my eyebrows, "You really think so?"

Kreese nods, "Yes. My students are all brawn but no brain, well maybe except one of them." He chuckles, "He's my best student, I think you'll get along with him."

I think about it for a moment. Me? Karate? A minute of silence goes by before I sigh, "Alright, i'll join you."

Kreese smiles widely before ruffling my hair, "'Attakid."

〰️

The next morning we went out for breakfast, got enrolled at a nearby school, bought a couple of things I needed, and basically helping me settle into California.

It was not a little late in the afternoon and I sigh, looking out the window. "How would you describe the kids here?"

Kreese looks up from the television then back to me, "Annoying."

I scoff a little, "Well that's helpful."

"I don't know, (y/n). I'm old! It's not like I can roll up to the skate park and just say, "how do you do, fellow kids?"" Kreese replies.

I chuckle and shake my head, "Fair enough. Plus you're a Sensei so i'm sure being in charge of a bunch of kids and teenagers isn't so much fun."

He nods before looking at the time, "You know what? There's this place that all my students go to hang out in. Golf n' Stuff, I think it's called? Anyways, why don't you go over there and try and get acquainted with some of the kids?"

"Yeah! That'd be awesome!" I stand up, grabbing my jacket and a bit of money I had saved up.

"You need me to give you a ride there?" Kreese asks. I shake my head, "I'll take my bike so I can also try and get familiar with the streets." I smile at him.

"Alright, just make sure to be back home by 10:30!" He added. I nod, "Got it, see ya!"

〰️

I lock down my bicycle at the racks, taking a deep breath before walking into the place.

Loud noises from chattering and machines filled my ear, I was somewhat regretting this already but screw it, I had nothing to lose.

Grabbing some tokens for a few of the arcade machines, I step up to the Donkey Kong machine. I quickly start tapping on the controls and avoiding the barrels he'd throw at my character.

"Shit!" I mumble, losing the game. I turn around and see a boy with blonde hair, staring at me along with two of his friends.

I furrow my eyebrows before making my way off to another game, I can still feel their eyes staring at me and before I knew it, the blonde boy was next to me, a smirk on his lips.

"Hey i've never seen you around here before, are you new?" He asks, leaning on the wall. I nod, "Yeah, I just moved here yesterday to live with my Godfather." I reply, "The name's (y/n) (y/l/n). Nice to meet you...?"

"Oh, i'm Johnny Lawrence!" He replies, "(Y/n), that's a lovely name for a lovely person like you."

I chuckle and I can feel my cheeks warm up, "Is that something you say to all of the people you flirt with?"

Johnny shakes his head, "Nope, only with majestic people such as yourself."

"You flatter me, Lawrence."

"Well, I assume you're here alone. Would you like to hang out with me?" He offers. I nod, "Yes, please! That would be lovely."

The entire night is incredible, Johnny and I played on the arcade games, mini golf, and he even tried winning me a stuffed animal from the crane machine but unfortunately fails.

"Let me try!" I step up onto the machine.

"I don't know, babe. It's a little difficult."

I aim for a giraffe stuffed animal and successfully winning the animal, I lean down to reach for my prize and look over at Johnny who looks amazed.

"Here, a little prize as a thank you for being so kind to me, tonight." I hand it over to him.

He chuckles softly and shakes his head, "You're incredible."

I look over at the time and it's 10:21, my eyes widen and I quickly walk outside with Johnny.

I begin to unlock my bike, "I'm so sorry! I have to be home in nine minutes! But thank you for tonight, it was so lovely."

"Wait!" Johnny exclaims, placing a kiss on my cheek, "I hope to see you again, (y/n)."

There goes that not so familiar yet wonderful feeling fluttering in my stomach. "See you around, Lawrence!" I wave goodbye at him, quickly biking back home and making it a minute before my curfew.

〰️

Monday rolls around and so does school and my first lesson at Cobra Kai.

I'm grabbing my books out of the locker when all of a sudden I feel a pair of hands on my shoulder, "Nice to see you again, stranger." A familiar voice rings.

I turn around and see a smiley Johnny, "Johnny, hey! I didn't know you also went here." I smile at him.

"It's a small world, isn't it?" He raises his eyebrow, "So, I realized that I never got your number! This weekend was a little torturing since you were on my mind the entire time but I couldn't call and hear you sweet voice."

I chuckle, "Smooth, Lawrence. And fine, you can have my number." I pull out a piece of paper and write my number on it, handing it to him.

The bell rings and soon everyone is leaving, "I'll call you, see you later!" He waves, I wave goodbye before trying to find my first class.

〰️

Later on, I grab my bike and make my way to Cobra Kai earlier than most of the students.

I push the door and see Kreese, practicing a few moves before I clear my throat and catch his attention. "(Y/n), welcome to Cobra Kai! I have something for you."

I remove my shoes before walking onto the mat and closer to him, he pulls out something white and I gently take it from his hands, "This is my uniform, right?" I ask. "It's called a Gi. You will wear this during class so make sure you always bring it, got it?" He crosses his arms.

I nod, "Yes!"

"Yes what?"

"Sir?" I furrow my eyebrows.

"It's Sensei, not sir, not Kreese. Sensei."

"Yes Sensei!"

I change into the Gi and walk outside to see a group of teenagers gathered around the mat.

A familiar face catches my attention and I wave over at him, "Johnny, hey!" I smile.

He excuses himself from his friends and walks over to me, "Hey! What are you doing here?" He asks.

"Oh, my Godfather asked me to join Cobra Kai. I'm not looking forward to getting my ass kicked though." I chuckle.

Johnny nods, "Don't worry, i'll help you out."

"Lawrence! I see you've met my Godchild." Kreese exclaims, walking over to us.

Johnny furrows his eyebrows before finally realizing, "Oh- yes, Sensei, I did!"

A nervous look forms on Johnny's face and Kreese walks closer to us, "Everything okay?"

Johnny gulps, "Yeah! This is just an unexpected surprise. That's it."

"Everyone! This is my Godchild, (y/n). They will start training with us and I expect you to treat them as one of your own. Is that clear?" Kreese announces.

"Yes Sensei!" The class replies.

〰️

"So, that was quite unexpected." I hear Johnny state.

I nod, "Yeah, i'm guessing you're that 'best student' he mentioned to me."

"Oh jeez, this complicates things a little. Do you think Sensei will kill me if I ask you out on a date?"

I pause and look over at him, "You were gonna ask me out?"

Johnny nods, "I'm still planning on it." He smirks and walks closer to me, "I think you're worth the risk."

[edenmemes]

resident evil village starters

❝ oh, keep growing! one day your head might actually fit your ego. ❞   ❝ running will get you nowhere. ❞     ❝ you don’t have to trust my words, but do you have any better options? ❞   ❝ you shouldn’t be out here. it’s not safe. ❞   ❝ i know you don’t like to talk about it, but can we really just forget everything and pretend it didn’t happen? ❞   ❝ well, what do you think? it’s hopeless, right? ❞ ❝ i wish it could stay like this forever. ❞   ❝ oh, such a disappointment. i thought we could join forces.  ❞ ❝ i don’t have time for this bullshit. out of my way. ❞   ❝ i don’t give a damn about your personal issues. ❞   ❝ it’s a pleasure to see you safe. ❞   ❝ just give up. flesh and blood will never win against me. ❞ ❝ quit acting so full of yourself. ❞ ❝ the clock is ticking. playtime’s over! ❞ ❝ ohhh, don’t give up! ❞ ❝ you think you can take me on? ❞ ❝ you should have never refused me.  ❞ ❝ these are the fruits of my power.  ❞ ❝ leave it alone. you are out of your depth. ❞   ❝ i’ve learned all i can from you. your worth as a lab rat has run out. ❞   ❝ no, no, this can’t be the end for me! ❞   ❝ i can’t escape from here... i can’t do anything! ❞ ❝ what are you talking about? you think this is a game? ❞   ❝ don’t get cocky. i’d kill you if you weren’t the trouble. ❞   ❝ hey, do you know anything about what’s going on around here? ❞   ❝ i’m not used to relying on other people. ❞   ❝ you’re the real deal. well done.  ❞ ❝ i gotta...keep going. ❞   ❝ i think it’s time you left things in my hands. ❞   ❝ my power is leaving me! ❞   ❝ do me a favor... try to stay under the radar. ❞ ❝ you don’t get it. you don’t stand a chance by yourself. ❞ ❝ alright, alright. i guess i owe you an explanation. ❞ ❝ you must be pretty tough, huh? ❞   ❝ all your power’s done is drive you nuts. ❞   ❝ i gotta say, i’m surprised you made it this far. it’d be a shame if something happened to you now. ❞   ❝ so you finally came to see me! everyone falls for me in time. ❞   ❝ it’s all i can spare. take it, take it! ❞   ❝ you’ve got fight, i’ll give you that. ❞   ❝ i didn’t want to keep it from you. i didn’t want to lose you again. ❞   ❝ i’d kill you if you weren’t worth the trouble. ❞   ❝ is there something you’re not telling me? come on, talk to me. ❞   ❝ you can hear it, can’t you? someone’s waiting for you. ❞   ❝ oh, careful what you wish for. ❞   ❝ i don’t want to die. oh, it hurts so much. ❞   ❝ don’t look at me that way. ❞   ❝ i told you to sit down. ❞   ❝ you’re the reason ___ doesn’t love me. ❞   ❝ hey, kiss me? ❞   ❝ if it’s for you, i would do anything. ❞   ❝ come on, it’s not that much further! ❞   ❝ you’re the only one to see me in this form. ❞   ❝ ugh, my temper got away from me. ❞   ❝ play with me some more. ❞   ❝ trying to get on my good side? ❞   ❝ i don’t know if it’s the scent of the flowers, but i feel light headed. ❞   ❝ in all my years, i’ve never been this overjoyed. ❞   ❝ look forward to what i have in store for you. ❞   ❝ mmm, that smells good. what’s that? ❞   ❝ you really should have taken my deal. ❞ ❝ truth hurts, don’t it?  ❞ ❝ i’ve waited so long. but dreams really can come true. ❞   ❝ you coward! come out and face me. ❞   ❝ quit hiding, asshole. i’m not letting you get out of this.  ❞ ❝ i won’t let you have it. even if you beg. ❞   ❝ this is my territory, and i won’t let you leave. ❞   ❝ damn, i’m so cold. my legs won’t work. ❞   ❝ local wine, too. but if you’re going to keep sulking all evening, maybe you shouldn’t have any. ❞ ❝ it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you. ❞   ❝ you’re the last asshole in my way, aren’t you? ❞   ❝ well, at least we’re together. ❞   ❝ hey, now. think positively, all right? we talked about this. ❞   ❝ come now, don’t be shy. show me your terror. ❞   ❝ i would’ve sliced you to ribbons if they hadn’t stopped me. ❞   ❝ it’s only a riddle if you don’t know the answer. ❞   ❝ shouldn’t we face what happened there so we can live our lives without it hanging over our heads? ❞   ❝ rest while you can, because i will hunt you, and i will break you. ❞   ❝ this village is full of monsters. we can’t fight them! there’s too many. ❞   ❝ a dead body? wait...there’s more... ❞   ❝ you’re a lot like your father, you know. ❞   ❝ it barely flinched when i shot it. i feel like it’s toying with me. ❞   ❝ it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. ❞   ❝ listen. you’re being played.  ❞ ❝ too bad you’ll pay for it...with your life. ❞   ❝ please won’t you stay with me? forever? ❞   ❝ you are lucky to die before your child. ❞   ❝ quiet now, child! adults are talking. ❞   ❝ there’s nothing wrong with my memory. you’re just being paranoid. ❞   ❝ this is...this is just too much. ❞   ❝ awww, you’re blushing. ❞   ❝ how can a man be ‘almost’ dead? that’s a question for the wise. ❞   ❝ what kind of sick medieval shit is this? ❞   ❝ i’ve spent a lifetime creating this moment...and you try to take it away from me? ❞   ❝ i’m sick of fighting you! ❞   ❝ why didn’t you fucking tell me right away? ❞ ❝ shut your damn hole and don’t be a sore loser! ❞   ❝ but i’m not paranoid, i’m just cautious. ❞   ❝ don’t get close to me when i’m cooking, babe. ❞   ❝ anyone who is anyone has heard of the likes of you. ❞   ❝ i haven’t cut open a man in a while. ❞   ❝ we moved here so that you wouldn’t have to deal with any of that, remember? ❞   ❝ why? why would you do this? ❞   ❝ i knew you would want to be involved. and this job is hard enough without civilians getting in the way. ❞ ❝ oh? you have something to say? ❞   ❝ tell me what’s out there! ❞   ❝ you’re still alive...? impressive. ❞   ❝ hey, are you listening? hey! ❞   ❝ exactly how much do you plan on annoying me? ❞   ❝ oh, no. they’re coming! ❞   ❝ do you have a gun? please tell me you have a gun. ❞   ❝ it’s not---nevermind. i’m sorry. ❞   ❝ drunk or not, you are welcome---and safe---in here. ❞   ❝ you know how to push my buttons. ❞   ❝ hey, don’t i get a say in this? ❞   ❝ you wouldn’t know proper manners if it slapped you in the face. ❞   ❝ i won’t forgive you, you bastard! ❞   ❝ why...why do you treat me the same as them? am i not your favourite? am i not special? ❞   ❝ at night, i hear wailing, as if ghosts roam the halls. ❞   ❝ quit your whining; we’re almost there! ❞   ❝ i’m afraid you can’t return to your old world any longer. ❞   ❝ how dare you bare your teeth at me. ❞   ❝ you couldn’t save them. they were already gone. ❞   ❝ in life and death, we give glory. ❞   ❝ can you even understand that humiliation?  ❞ ❝ even i can get angry. ❞   ❝ what the hell is that thing? ❞ ❝ we will meet again soon. ❞ ❝ let’s just say parts of the human imagination are better left alone. ❞ ❝ some treasures still lurk in this village. ❞ ❝ my decision is final. there will be no argument. ❞   ❝ everyone leaves me. even you. ❞   ❝ there is no safe! every sorry bastard out there has been ripped in half! ❞   ❝ come inside. the others are waiting. ❞   ❝ come with me. there’s something i have to tell you. ❞   ❝ what the hell is wrong with this place? ❞   ❝ the strong will destroy the weak. that’s the way of the world. ❞   ❝ no, we’re getting out of here --- together. ❞   ❝ but what i saw was...frightful. ❞ ❝ i suppose it’s what they call ‘the beauty of the grotesque’. ❞   ❝ you taught me so much and for that i will be forever in your debt. ❞   ❝ it is my curiosity that ties me to this place. ❞   ❝ please let me know if you’d like to strengthen your weapons. ❞ ❝ you’ll pay if i find out this is a lie. ❞ ❝ speaking of foolish questions, who --- what are you? ❞   ❝ if i don’t kill them then my life will never be my own. ❞   ❝ you are abominable. your deceit knows no bound. ❞   ❝ quit holding out, and get to the damn point! ❞ ❝ you’re the one who’s cursed. ❞ ❝ i hope you will be able to achieve your goal someday, too. ❞   ❝ that is why i had to leave you. i will regret never telling you goodbye. ❞   ❝ if i had but a little more time, i know i might be able to turn the tides of this battle. ❞   ❝ i can hear it shuffling about outside. ❞   ❝ and now you even try to steal my property? how dare you? ❞   ❝ ugh, just another simple little manthing. ❞   ❝ oh, good. i was just thinking of ways to pass the time. ❞ ❝ nowhere to go but up. ❞   ❝ where are you? show yourself! ❞ ❝ not without me, it’s too dangerous. ❞ ❝ shit, that was close. ❞   ❝ i heard explosions. what happened? ❞ ❝ you’ve dirtied my dress! ❞   ❝ you’re my daughter...now act like it! ❞   ❝ i don’t think we will make it through winter at this rate. ❞   ❝ the wounds are severe. i won’t last much longer. ❞   ❝ will you please stop talking in riddles? ❞   ❝ goddamn. it really is you. ❞ ❝ you sure of this? your body is, well, falling apart. ❞       ❝ how long have i been out? ❞   ❝ keep your distance. do not move until i give the order. ❞   ❝ i’ve got a tough guy here, i need some back-up! ❞   ❝ if my mom saw this shit, she’d think she’d died and gone to hell. ❞   ❝ shut your fucking hole! ...sorry about that. ❞   ❝ who are you? who sent you? ❞   ❝ please, be well. ❞   ❝ there’s more than we thought. watch out. ❞ ❝ to hunger...is to be alive. ❞   ❝ goddammit! why is everyone dying on me? ❞   ❝ hey! hey. don’t talk like that. ❞   ❝ my word, you truly are as strong as they say! ❞   ❝ don’t you love me? ❞   ❝ oh, you didn’t think i’d let you get away, did you? ❞   ❝ taken alive? dead? which would you prefer? ❞  

[honeyabyss]

Phone calls after Mc returned to the human realm

Lucifer:

this man is stubborn, calling you would be like admitting he's gone soft and his pride does not allow that!

so he refuses to call for the first few weeks, keeping himself busy with work of which he has enough anyway

due to all his student council work, a few other tasks of Diavolo and on top of that the usual shenanigans of his brothers, he quickly becomes very stressed

he's at his breaking point and needs someone to talk to so he can release some of his stress before he takes it out on someone else

so he goes to your old room and starts talking as soon as he enters it, only to stop confused when he doesn't see you in the room, remembering only now you left for the human realm

disappointed he sits down onto the bed and curls the blanket around himself

"Their scent is almost gone...Soon it'll be as if they were never here"

he closes his eyes, sighs softly and makes his decision

"Mc? I hope I didn't wake you. I simply thought a conversation would be nice, it's been a while..."

Lucifer's call is pretty casual, he talks about his day, work and his troublemaker brothers, it almost feels like any other day before just this time it is over phone

he does not want to admit he misses you, a) because he'd seem weak and b) he fears what admitting it will do to him, he might just miss you even more

BUT while saying goodbye he accidentally lets a "I miss you" slip, his breathing stops shortly realizing his mistake, he is about to apologize when you say it back

he smiles softly, genuinely relieved about your shared sentiment and whispers "I'll call you again soon then" before hanging up

from then on he calls you every evening and you better jump right away and pick up at the first ringing, because this man is lonely without you

Mammon:

"Congratulations! You're one of our lucky winners of our monthly Devil-Lottery. We'll have to confirm your bank account number with the one given to us when you agreed to participating in the lottery. Would you be so kind to slowly repeat the number-"

this greedy demon will quite literally try to scam you, only to absolutely panic when you hang up on him

he will instantly call you back, constantly adjusting his glasses, a nervous habit he acquired over the years

"H-hey...Mc...uhm, it's me your favourite demon!"

he is relieved you picked up, as it means you didn't block him right away, he stumbles over his words trying to find an excuse why he just tried to scam you

"Ah you know I only did that to test you, you've passed nobody scams my human! You're my amazing human after all! That's why I love you...u-uh I-i mean...nothing...that was a static you must have misheard..."

when you tell him you knew it was him as you recognized his voice, he'll be outraged, screaming into his D.D.D (and probably later getting punched by Lucifer for being so loud)

"What do you mean you already knew?! You dared to hang up on The Great Mammon?

He gets a bit sulky by your reaction, so how about playing into his obvious lie of testing you to make him feel better again

besides trying to scam you Mammon also called to (not so sneakily) check on your wellbeing

now that you're gone he constantly worries about you and he can't do much to help, but if you were actually in need of help due to whatever, trust me he'd fight Lucifer himself for permission to go to you

he'll call you as often as he can, sometimes with a few days of a break in between, asking you about your life and also letting you in on his upcoming money making schemes...please don't tell Lucifer about them

Mammon has learned his lesson though, he'll never try to scam you again, he couldn't bare it if you were to block or ignore his calls

Leviathan:

phone calls? Why? You two can just talk about the in-game talk function of this new online game you play, but no real world talk while playing that ruins the immersion!

Levi will rarely call you as he just doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk with you about normie stuff for too long

he normally just spam writes you, ding, ding, ding, one message after another coming in without you being able to respond quick enough

so if gets too much and you decide to just call him so you can have an actual chance of responding, Levi just panics and almost drops his D.D.D

"Mc? D-did you accidentally hit the c-call button? N-no? I-i see no I love you too!!....AAAAAAAh I-i meant I l-l-love t-talking to you too...hehehe w-why would a yucky o-otaku like me say something like that"

poor boy is so nervous he'll say something stupid and will stutter a lot the first few times you call him, he is just not used to talking on the phone

he will laugh nervously over everything and sometimes there'll be a phase of awkward silence, but please don't point it out, Levi is already stressed enough as it is

once he gets used to calls, he'll surprisingly suggests to have a phone call while both of you are watching the new episode of an anime, so he'll be able to talk to you as if you're right next to him, which works out mediocre at first, you have to tell him to be a bit quieter a few times but besides that it's quiet nice

"Ooooooowhooooooah!!! Did you see that? That was amazing, I wish I had these superpowers, I'd save you of every danger like a real hero! W-what do you mean I'm already your hero?"

Yes, you saw and heard it, and your neighbours probably heard Levi...

on the rare occasions Levi calls you he'll often asks you for favours like to buy him this exclusively in the human realm sold limited edition game, of course he isn't like his scummy brother Mammon who'll constantly asks for things and he'll also make it up by sending you stuff you can only get on Akuzon

so calls don't happen very often, but neither if you really mind, you'll still be in contact through messages and games

Satan:

Satan will be very proper about calling you, he'll check through messages if you're fine with him calling you, so he can be sure you have time and he doesn't bother you

Satan never jumps into a conversation right away (unless he is angry), he makes sure to show interest in you and hold a bit small talk, asking about your day, how you're doing and so on

you talk about many different things with him mostly about your shared interests, but Satan is willing to listen to you ramble about hobbies he doesn't have as well

one thing you two quickly come to do was have book club sessions over phone

"I wish you were still here Mc. I miss my book discussion partner, nobody here has as interesting opinions and views as you..."

back in Devildom you two would both read a book and afterwards discuss your thoughts, and you found a way too keep doing just that

you both write about books, decide on one to read for the week and would than have a phone call where you just talk for hours about the piece of literature you've read

now that you're back in the human realm, the book choices are even bigger as you can read human books as well, you just have to send a copy to Satan, sometimes Barbatos will be nice and pick a book up and deliver it to Satan, or to you if it's the other way around with a demon book

"Oh? No, you're right. I haven't thought about it like that yet...your thoughts are so fascinating!"

Satan will shower you in praise for every little detail that you noticed yet he missed. he genuinely enjoys your phone calls, and though he wouldn't admit it, sometimes he anticipates your call more than the actual book

even though there now is a bigger distance between you two he still feels as close to you as before, not much has changed for him and he knows he'll be able to see you again soon, he'll just have to be patient

"Next week, same time? I'm looking forward to talking to you again. Take care until then!"

Asmodeus:

"Oh my Lord! You won't believe what just happened!!!"

no greeting or alike, just straight into the discussion

whenever something gossip worthy happens, Asmo is already dialling your number to spill the tea and keep you updated on any Devildom related gossip, even if it won't help you much, it's a nice thought of him keep you in the loop

those are only the spontaneous call though, obviously you can't take these all the time...you still have a life of your own...

you two actually call each other every day at the same time, plus/minus a couple minutes, the water in the tub has to be filled first...yeah Asmo likes to talk you while he is taking his afternoon bath

"Hahh it's so relaxing, warm water caressing my beautiful skin, and the bath bomb today smells so good! I wish you could smell it, or even better I wish we could bathe together!"

*water sloshing noises intensified*

Asmo...no....yes...maybe...just stop, you'll fluster Mc!

"No really! I miss having you here, I'll pamper you all day the next time I'll get to see you. You must already be starved of my beauty, but don't worry my dear, I'm just as starved of seeing your lovely face!"

what to talk about while he is bathing? Anything really if it's about your day, any complains or whatever, just expect a few innuendos of him...that's nothing new though

seriously though Asmo is the guy to talk to about any of your problems, he will listen and try to come up with a solution for you, even if he seems a bit narcissistic sometimes he really cares about you, so use your phone calls as therapy from time to time

"Oh darling, don't worry it'll be okay! I'm here to help...now tell me every detail so I can come up with a plan! I'll always be there for you, no matter what!"

Beelzebub:

"*munch munch* This one is really good! Mc you should try some...oh"

now that you're back in the human realm, Beels snack times are very lonely, he has just gotten so used to your presence, even sharing his food is normal by now

and let's be honest Beels snack time is 24/7 so he misses you a lot

he feels the urge to call you every five minutes and sometimes even forgets to eat while phone is ringing and he is waiting for you to pick up

but you can't constantly talk with him over phone so the calls often end up on your voicemail where Beel tells you about all the different kind of foods he ate that day

when Belphie catches wind of his twin constantly pestering you, he hides Beels D.D.D so he can't call you all the time

when you're actually able to pick up on his call, Beel will be so happy you can quite literally hear his huge grin while he's excitedly talking about his current snack

"Have you ever tried spicy bat-wings? There opened a new restaurant in town and it's really good!! Next time you're here I'll invite you there. Oh but what if it closes before you're back...ah you'll just have to visit soon!"

though Beel is often disappointed when you don't pick up, he would never hold it against you, he knows he calls quite a lot, but he just misses you and tipping a message while he eats is harder than putting his D.D.D on speaker and talking to you

of course he doesn't only talk about food, he also tells you about how his brothers are doing and how his workout was, or what things he has planned to do at the weekend, all in all Beel is just super happy to share everything of his life with you

on rare occasions he'll call you and be untypically quiet, that happens when he had a fight with his twin, it's not often but sometimes it happens and his first instinct is to call you, because he feels like he can tell you everything so he is very comfortable and trusting with you

"I miss you a lot, you know...but I also know that you think about me daily, every time your stomach rumbles you'll be reminded of me and that makes me happy, I also think about you every time I'm hungry! Hm? But I'm always hungry? That's right! You're always on my mind!"

Belphegor:

Listen, his sleeping schedule is very tight, you can't just expect him to call you!

he will call you so rarely and if you call him it might just happen that he is sleeping and has phone on silent...or he's just to lazy to walk to his phone, or he is just not in the mood to talk... he takes any excuse to not be on the phone

Belphie does like talking to you, but he is not the greatest at long conversations so he like messages more

sometimes when he can't seem to fall asleep, he will be the one to call you...in the middle of the night...and you better pick up or he gets annoyed

"What took you so long? I thought you wanted to talk more often and then you leave me hanging for a whole minute? Doesn't matter I would have waited longer with you...."

he is mostly silent through a phone call, his main reason to call you is because he like to listen to you talk, it's calming to him and if he calmer then he might be able to fall asleep again

so don't expect an amazingly deep conversation...

"Mhmmm...hm? Yeah I'm still there. I'm listening keep talking, I love your voice..."

he'll bring up a topic from time to time so you have an inspiration about what to talk about, but most of the times he just lazily hum or making acknowledging noises so you know he is still listening

"Zzz..."

he will to 100% fall asleep while being on the phone with you, that doesn't mean you're boring, but that he trusts you so much that he is comfortable enough to let his guard down

Diavolo:

"Good afternoon! How was the week of my favourite human?...ah don't tell Solomon I said that hahaha"

as the future king of hell, he is a busy man, but he still manages to give you a call once a week, to the same time you two would have normally had your weekly afternoon tea meeting in the castle

with the exchange year over there is not much about your classes to talk about left, but Dia is just as excited about any other topic you decide to talk about, be it the most mundane thing he loves it!

"Oh so you went grocery shopping? That must be fun! Barbatos does it all the time, though I suppose you buy less things...I'd like to see a human market at some point, I wonder if they're very different from ours...oh but I wouldn't really able to tell I suppose, Barbatos and you would need to point out the differences!"

this man can talk without taking a break for hours...you think Asmo is bad? Prepare for Diavolo...

but seriously it never gets boring with him, because he somehow finds good and fun stuff in every activity, I swear give him a vacuum and watch him clean you're whole flat with the enthusiasm of a child getting presents on Christmas

the work of a future king consists of so much paperwork, Dia will have only few events of his week to tell you about, if there is something to talk about there is a high chance it has to do with the brothers

so he'd much rather just sip his tea and listen to you, he'll ask you loads of questions though about anything he doesn't know

sometimes you two forget the time and Barb sadly has to remind you to come to a stop for now

"Mc? Did I wake you? If so I'm terribly sorry...would you be up to talk for a little bit more? I'm not feeling too tired yet"

surprise night time calls from Dia where you'll have to speak silently or Barbatos might reprimand Diavolo for staying up all night and being tired the next day, Dia doesn't regret it ever though, he likes to talk you a lot!

Barbatos:

Barbatos is always busy and his schedule can often suddenly change with a new whim of his master, so he can't exactly have a scheduled call with you

so you might not get to hear of him very often

BUT he made it a habit to call you when he is on duty to do the dishes, the chore is somewhat boring to him with no one to distract him

so he calls you and if you pick up, he'll put you on speaker and talk to you about whatever comes to mind while his hands wash one after another of the expensive porcelain of the royal household

"I've bought this new tea which is said to be really nice, it can even be enjoyed cold apparently. It seems to have to just the right amount of sweetness to not get bitter when drank cold...you can still add sugar for extra sweetness, though I believe you're already sweet enough as it is"

no matter what you decide to talk about Barbatos always has at least some knowledge about it, so it's beneficial for both of you, he can tell you the things he knows and you tell him your stuff

"I hope I'm not bothering you too much? There is quite a lot to do today... so it might take some more time..."

you will never get to know that Barb has actually already finished the dished a few minutes ago, but just isn't ready to say goodbye yet

the rest of the employees will be able handle the castle for a bit longer without him, meanwhile he can take a well deserved tea break and listen to you

he very much enjoys the fact he found a way to have some time with you while theoretically having to be at work, as long as he is able to finish all the tasks of his daily schedule, he doesn't feel too bad about his not so legal break

"I fear I'll have to get back to work now, but I loved talking to you today! I hope you enjoyed it as well. I'll talk to you again soon!"

Solomon:

Though Solomon returned to the human realm with you, you haven't heard much of him, being a wise old man sorcerer must be very time consuming

so calls of Solomon might be rare but that doesn't mean you don't write messages every now and then, when he calls you though it's always about something interesting or important to share, he talks about those things rather verbally, the best option for him would be in person, but that doesn't always work so a phone call is the second best option

"My lovely apprentice, how is your studying going? I've found the tome we were talking about last time you were interested in...it took some research to find which sorcerer had it but I brought it back for you. How about I'll drop by you next week? I can help you with your studying then, the tome is written in an older version of the language it might be easier if we do it together!"

Solomon can simply not sit still, so while you're on the phone, he is always tinkering at something and the background noises are sometimes quite peculiar...

Was that a pig squeaking? Are you sure you should be brewing a potion while being on the phone? Isn't it distracting?

Oh Lord was that an explosion?!

"Hmm? Oh yeah...I`m cooking dinner right now! It was just a small explosion though, you know the ones that are regularly happen in the kitchen. Why? Was my cute student worried about me?~ heheh alright, alright, I'll stop teasing you...for now!"

no matter how chaotic, teasing or busy Solomon is though, if you call him and are in need of help, he'll drop everything and run to you

he knows how hard it can be when studying magic, not to mention that the studies are difficult, the constant hiding of any magic in front of other humans is also very nerve wrecking, sometimes you feel like giving up and going back to your normal life, back to your non-magical very human friends that are blissfully unaware of everything happening around them, but you know you could never forget and act as if nothing happened, you'd also miss your new not so normal friends, so when times get hard Solomon will rush to you and comfort you in person or at least calm you down on phone until he is able to go to you

if that happens he is more likely to call you every two to three days just to check in on you

"Hey how is my strong and beautiful fellow human doing? Feeling better yet? Need a shoulder to lean on? I'm at your flat in 10 minutes..."

Simeon:

Simeon is a daily caller as well, he's gotten so used to seeing you every day that he feels quite restless if he doesn't get to hear your voice at least once a day

he asked you to recommend at what time he should call, he doesn't want to restrict you in your daily life, so you both came to the conclusion after dinner would be perfect, as both of you are free for the rest of the day then

He will often write a bit on his TSL scripts, just some notes and inspirations he comes up while talking to you

"How was your day my little lamb? You haven't overworked yourself right? Tell me if you ever need help!"

though Simeon would definitely have things to complain about with how Michael is working him to the bone, he'd rather not worry you so instead he tells you about how Luke is doing and evasively answers you questions about himself

"Oh me? Ah yes, I'm doing fine, just doing the usual archangel stuff you know...Ah please do not worry Mc, my dear! Nothing dangerous!"

over the time his TSL notes turn into random scribbles, rhymes and poems and every now and then something that looks suspiciously like your name

Sometimes Luke crashes the call and wants to speak with you as well so Simeon tries to put the phone on speaker only to end up ending the call and Luke getting frustrated with Simeon and doing it himself

then again Simeon also just accidentally hangs up on you mid conversation, because his fingers hit the button without him noticing, he'll get so confused when you cut off in the middle of your sentence and thinks something has happened to you, only to be relieved when you call back a few seconds later

Simeon is very interested in your day and how you doing, asking you many questions and encouraging you to keep talking

"Oh no please keep talking! You're not overwhelming me at all, in fact I like listening to your voice, it puts even the most melodic voice of an angel into the shadows...hahaha did I make you embarrassed? I apologize, I didn't mean to, I was only telling you my honest opinion!"

Simeon is quite the flatterer, but he often does not notice it, he simply tries to be nice, so a call with him leaves you flustered and stuttering ever now and then, but he is just as quick to blush at a honest and heartfelt compliment

Luke:

Luke might be an angel, but he is still low ranking and therefore has less assignments, besides studying to become a great angel and doing some minor tasks for Michael, he is relatively free

he often spends his free time in the kitchen constantly trying to improve his baking, now after the exchange year not only to impress Michael and Simeon but also Barbatos, maybe a bit Beel and definitely you!

but as Simeon is still working at these times, he gets somewhat lonely so he'll try calling you to keep him some company

Luke has this habit of speaking the recipes out loud to remember the steps better and be able to able to make them from memory, he got that tip from Barbatos, but he still has his moments where he gets stuck and forgets what to do next, you can notice that when he gets silent and concentrates on trying to remember

"Ah right that was it! I almost forgot about the eggs! Good thing you were here...or well on the phone hehe! You always remember this stuff, you're so amazing!"

when you tell him you simply looked it up in the internet for him, he'll get a bit sulky that he now basically cheated, but with your reassurance that he is already great and can remember so many other steps, he is quickly back to his happy little angel self

"Michael let me help with his conference today I was assistant record keeper today, one day I'll be able to do it alone, bit they're talking so much and so fast...I think I still need a couple centuries until I'm fully ready, but I'm working on improving! You should also try to improve your skills daily! Even a small bit of practice is good! Though I think you're perfect already!"

Luke most definitely learned his flattering from Simeon... he talks about many different things on the phone but repeating topic is Michael...just talking to you makes his day and later he'll tell everything Simeon and he smiles so brightly while he reports to him, please keep talking to him a lot!