#I feel like I'm going to be stuck at my current job forever

[salty-rey]

why oh why did I not take those resume workshops on campus????

[paincallingback]

Eat

(A past event where Felix got kidnapped temporarily only to be fed. Slight cw? Uh gay tension. Literally the weirdest idea I had, it was supposed to be different but here we are.)

I'll let people find this one. This one is a weird one.

It was supposed to be like every other evening in California. Do work, get stuff done, be bored, rinse, and repeat. X wanted something to do, but what? There was nothing to do and all the men were out socializing. He didn't feel like going out, though there was one man that he could talk to right now.

His darling rival, of course. There was no other man to both than Felix. He was so easy to mess with, quick to get under his skin. X figured why not spend a few hours to tease and mess with Felix tonight. It was always entertaining when he was around.

X got into his car, driving over to one of Felix's many massive hotels, hoping he was there. Upon arriving, X got out of his car wandering inside, looking for Felix. The receptionist, Larry, greeted X with a smile.

"Good morning, sir. Are you booking a room with us today?" He asked. X shook his head.

"There's no need for a room today. I'm here to speak to your boss."

"Unfortunately, my boss is currently locked away and cooped up in his office working. He hasn't come out in a day. He would rather not be disturbed." Larry informed.

X gave a overly sweet smile, clasping his hand together.

"Well, if you don't mind me, I'm going to go bother him. After all, it isn't healthy for him to stay cooped up like that. Now, if you excuse me, I'll be in his office."

Before Larry could protest, X had already started making his way to Felix's office. The door was locked, but that was no bother since X picked the lock and opened the door slowly without a sound. And there he is, Felix himself stuck in a trance, doing paperwork mindlessly at his desk. His desk was a mess with papers, coffee, and plates of food that were untouched. He was slaving away to his own job.

X huffed and rolled his eyes at the messy sight. It annoyed him for some reason that Felix would get like this. So he got up close and behind Felix, suprised Felix hasn't even noticed him yet (that definitely wasn't annoying to him), before taking a rag filled with chloroform and shoving it in Felix's face. Felix's eyes widen and he snapped out of his little trance, panicking at the chloroform.

His screams were muffled, and he pushed back to get out of his chair, kicking his legs. But X wrapped his arm around his chest, holding Felix in place as he smirked. After a minute or so, Felix passed out, falling limp in the chair. He was out, but not for long, so X had to be quick about it. He scooped Felix up into his arms and just waltzed right out of the hotel. Not even trying to be sneaky about it. It's not like he's kidnapping Felix for forever, just for a few hours. He'll be returned safely, unharmed.

Upon returning home, X tied Felix to a comfy chair, making sure he didn't go anywhere while he went downstairs to prepare dinner. The butler was sick, so he'll make dinner himself tonight. Some steak and diced up potatoes should satisfy his hostage guest tonight.

Once dinner was ready, X came back upstairs into the dark room where he left Felix in. Felix was knocked out still, but he was starting to gain consciousness again. He blinked, his eyes slowly opening as he looked around in a daze.

"Where am....." Felix's eyes go up to X, who was settled down the plate of food in front of him on a little table that had silverware and champagne. His eyes widen. "WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! WHAT ARE YOU-"

Felix was immediately shush with X's hand grabbing his throat. He fell silent and the two locked eyes. Felix opened his mouth to say something but closed it, saying nothing. X caressed his thumb over Felix's throat, giving it a gentle squeeze before letting go.

"You're my guest tonight." X calmly stated.

Felix scoffed and tired to move in the chair.

"A host wouldn't kidnap their guests. Why can't you be normal?"

X gave a chuckled and moved his hands back to Felix's throat, moving them up slowly to cup his face. "You known me for how long darling~ And you're still surprised by my behavior? Don't make me laugh, dear." He whispered with a smirk, getting closer to him. "Think of my gesture as an act of mercy tonight. I could have simply killed you, but it would been ashamed to no longer see your pretty face~"

Felix gritted his teeth, mumbling, "I'm going to slit your throat open." But his reaction only caused X to giggle a little.

"Oh darling~" X reached over for the dinner knife on the little table, bringing it up close to Felix's neck. "Yourself forgetting who's the one with the knife." He let the knife graze Felix's neck, who gave a worried look as he tried to scoot away.

Felix fell silent after that, praying to himself that he wouldn't die by this encounter. Both men stared at each other for a while, communicating with their eyes. X moved away the knife over to the steak dinner, cutting up a few bites. Felix could only watch him.

X took the steak with a fork, raising it Felix's lips. "You must be hungry. I won't let my guests leave starving now, would I?" He gave a soft smile, pressing the food to Felix's lips. "Go ahead. Eat. Or else your food will get cold." He urged Felix, whispering to him.

Felix gave a nervous look, unsure if he should trust him or not if the food was poisoned or not. Felix hesitantly took a bite of the steak, chewing slowly. He would have spat out his food when he would have sworn that he heard X mumble "good boy" as he took the bite, but it was so quiet that he couldn't be exact on what he said. All Felix knew what that X had his smirk while feeding him.

Felix ate, allowing X to spoon feed him as long as it means he can leave unharmed. X would feed him, even making sure Felix drank the champagne as well. After the plate was empty and the champagne glass too, Felix gave a tired look. He felt the restraints loosen and be pulled off as X free him. Felix got up, only to stumble and fall into X's arms. He looked up at X, his vision starting to blur.

X smiled down at Felix, stroke his hair. "Did you enjoy our dinner?" He asked innocently. Felix slightly nods, his head was spinning, and his vision was blurry, he felt like passing out. He wouldn't be surprised if that champagne was drugged.

"I'm gonna... stab you...." He mumbled so softly before closing his eyes and passing out in X's arms. X could only smirk, cooing a little at the sight before carrying Felix back to the hotel. Returning him safe and unharmed. He was kind enough to even tuck him in and turn off the lights, before leaving the hotel.

What an entertaining night.

[itsyagurlchip]

Can u tell me more of ur au plz?

you're in luck! I still have a few character ref sheets left! I'll give more characterization and backstory for these lil guys!

also sorry if this comes out a bit late- im taking a break from art for a while and while im typing this (07/30/24) i'm also finishing the visualization ref page for reader.

(current chip) ANON KISSING YOU ON THE CHEEK SWINGING YOU AROUND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK!!<3333 MY IDEAS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE CATCH UP OR BE CONFUSED.

It's both an AU, and a fic so I apologize if things get messed up. So when I say "Undertake Sans/Papyrus/Person" it refers to my AU rather than the original "classic". My fic refers to the "6 skeletons, one human" trope and the AU focuses on details from the Undertake universe.

I may have over explained, but I wanted to keep that clear- And most of this post will take the time to talk about the plot and lore of the fic.

As I've said before, Undertake is just a sillier version of Undertale where shenanigans happen all the time on the surface. But I've never explained fully why. Welp! Here you go....

We all know how the trope goes. Sans tries to get his Dad back, and succeeds! Except this time, it's on the surface. And Frisk doesn't feel like...Frisk. Anyways, bringing Gaster back from the Void has caused complications within the universe, about 5 years after monsters resurfaced.

"One time things" turn into regular occurrences, stereotypical situations that would never happen in real life are happening, it's overall stupidity!

But Sans and Reader are the only ones who "know" about this change. Sans just rolls along with it, using this as a breather from past resets. Reader, on the other hand, has whiplash from the whole thing. When did everything change? and why? Something felt wrong in their SOUL. Everyone else seems to fit into this random "normal" and it pisses reader off.

But they're a kid. They don't know what they're talking about, so they ignore them as best as they can.

-

Since every monster is on the surface, and pretty much all need jobs, Sans becomes a scientist of sorts. He represents most monster scientists, and helps humans with the evolution of magic-science. He doesn't work all the time, that's a big role to fit in; something Alphy's would gladly take, and so he mostly works on projects at home.

Integrating n shit, I'll leave those details to the fic.

After getting licensed, transferring his master's degree in physics, and getting all the tools he needs, he decides to re-build gaster's machine to bring him back.

Mind you, this is a year after they get to the surface, so nothing has changed yet. When Gaster came through the machine (I'll draw it so you can get a better representation of what it looks like) he was horrified.

Why was he melting? His face was now stuck in a forever frown. Looking at his hands, you could still see the holes engraved into them from when he was first born.

He began to sign something ancient, a language horrifically nostalgic he almost forgot to catch what he was saying.

But before he could respond, the world went black. There was a wild pulsing in his SOUL before the world went black.

^^reader parallels this btw

I'm not gonna drop too much, because I don't wanna spoil any plans I have for this, but thank you so much for this ask!! I might even start writing chapters in January

here's reader's character sheet btw. (and when you guys read it do understand that you dont have to portray them in the same way i do, nor do you have too be an ass abt it)

©KAL pls don't steal, repost, trace, or whatever an art theif does. you can inspire yourself! just tag me to let me know<3

y'all better clap for me

im on a writing roll

☀︎⋆.ೃ࿔*:･(title)☀︎⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ᯓᡣ𐭩(warnings:) ᯓᡣ𐭩(note) ᯓᡣ𐭩 (summary)

૮₍˶• .•⑅₎ა tags: @kittykittyanon @bonefanatic @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl

૮₍˶• .•⑅₎ა@ziipzeepzop-eez @wheezdostuff @spongejuice @cyb3r-st4r @matteo-hamato

@clown-froggi @acesgarden

if you would like to be added, check my blog. if you would like to be added, check my blog. SEE? I SAID IT TWICE!!

[yanabeardoodles]

dude! your art is so delicious!!! how did you start drawing and who were your inspos and stuff?? you have a seriously unique and beautiful art style and i’m just eating SO good right now

I love telling this story!

I started drawing around 9 y/o and it was because my mom (who in no professional way is an artist. She works in law) was able to draw the cartoons me and my sister would see on TV.

I always looked up to mom as a little kid and wanted to figure out how to do that as well.

Time went on, I got into anime in middle school, checked out a bunch of Christopher Hart "how to draw anime books", and continued to draw all throughout high school.

Just to realize I didn't like how I was creating art.

I felt stuck and looking at the 7 years of art I did from middle school and high school I really felt I wasn't...changing.

Then I didn't change how I approached art for a few years after that. I was a workaholic so I never really dedicated as much time as I had wanted to figuring out how to change.

I tried branching out with different sources like studying Glen Keane gestures and loose western cartoon styles. Still felt stuck

THEN QUARANTINE HAPPENED 🗣️

Remember that workaholic life I mentioned? I use to work at least three jobs all at once before quarantine. Then I had no jobs. And I freaked out cause I saw my self-worth was connected with how much work I could do at once.

Not healthy, be better than me folks.

Anyway I needed a way to kill time and feel like I was accomplishing something. Then art reared her shiny ass in my face and said

"...draw, bitch"

So I did. All day. Every. Single. Day.

And there wasn't a goal to be a better artist this time. I just needed a damn project 😂. And it wasn't until the end of 2020 I saw improvement looking back to April

As seen below April vs December 2020

(Don't ask me why but the youth drawing is still one of my all time favorites)

Also I won't lie, I made a tik tok in April, it blew up outta no where in August cause of Rock (freakin) Lee of all things. And I liked the attention. Don't be like me. I burned out very quickly due to that mindset of "make art people want to see as fast as possible!" Not make art for myself.

Anyway, by then I was use to drawing everyday. Not even full blown illustrations but like doodling everyday. And I wanted to keep that routine. So I got jobs that would allow me to at least be able to sketch at breakfast before work.

Then I got a job as a paint and sip instructor, so I was able to try painting more often

As seen here

And from there I just started playing with art supplies all around. I treat art like math. My brain gets easily distracted and with that in mind, if I get tired of digital art, I go to color pencils or watercolor or gouache and then rinse and repeat.

I feel this is going on forever so to wrap it up

Current artists I'm inspired by:

For colors -

JC Leyendecker

@japhers on tumblr and twitter

For ink- Bruce Timm (worked on BTAS/STAS/Justice League etc)

Dan Mora (@ Danmora_c on Twitter)

Lastly character designs - A BUNCH OF ART OF THE MOVIE BOOKS

Spiderverse, Klaus, Maya and the Three, Luca, Dreamworks, Miyazaki etc

If the movie or show was cool. I went hunting for that art book to figure out what they were thinking when they made the characters.

And that's it.

The end of my spiel

[margowritesthings]

Hey, Margo! 🩷

I’m sending the request according to your new post 🥺

I would like a friends to lovers trope. But here’s the thing: Could the female character (lil me) and Arthur actually had a relationship in the past (current relationship status is they broke up) and now they are falling for each other again (second chance)?

Of course I would love a Red Dead Redemption (Arthur Morgan) fanfic 🩷

The gender is female, and if you could make her ginger with brown eyes (like me) I would love it 🥺 And if Arthur calls her angel, even better 🩷🩷🩷

Feel free to add smut, fluff and anything you would like!

Thank you for tagging me! You know how much I love your writing 🩷

sweet angel hello! thank you for participating, i got so many ideas for your love story with our pretty cow boah

come celebrate 1k followers with me!

arthur morgan // second chance + friends to lovers

you two have been sweet on each other since the moment you met, the day you joined the gang. arthur was brave enough to ask you on a date after only a short three months of pining after you

he took you to the saloon, you beat him at poker, and in that moment he knew you were his soulmate. a forever love.

you were together for a few months, and it was that kind of love you only thought existed in the stories you read. it was celestial, ethereal. a wild burning flame extinguished far too quickly.

when he found out about isaac and eliza's deaths, arthur really struggled. he drank a lot and lost himself for a while.

you knew the best thing to do was to just be there for him, so you both decided he needed friendship right now.

"you're my best friend, arthur. that ain't ever gonna change."

but the feelings didn't just go away as easily as your plan relied on, that flame too furious to be extinguished by simple "logic"

you wanted to respect the space arthur asked for, and he never thought he was good enough to have you after letting you go the first time

unworthy of your love

if he couldn't protect isaac and eliza, how could he ever deserve you?

and thus ensued years of pining

the very best of friends, unable to stay away from each other while this silent love roared

you'd work jobs together, go hunting together, have midnight chats by the fire, save each other's asses from time to time

years went on like this, where everybody in the gang and their mamma would share glances and roll their eyes at the two fools who couldn't just admit they were made for each other

you were the first person arthur wanted to see whenever he got back from a job, the one he rode home to even if he never said it aloud

and as much as your heart ached a little every time you looked at him, you would have stayed like that forever if it meant getting to keep arthur in your life

until the day he left it

when he didn't come back from the 'chat' with the o'driscolls, you were out of your mind with worry

the thought of never seeing arthur again flipped a switch in your mind and you finally realised that this life stuck in limbo wasn't enough

you were sneaking out in the dead of night against dutch's orders when you saw him, beaten and bloody, riding home to you

it broke you, the relief washing over you like a wave that breaks the walls you've built as though they're nothing but paper

he practically falls off his horse, but you catch his weight and support him

you take him to your tent and patch him up, holding him and crying with him when you see what they did to arthur. your arthur.

he winces when he reaches up to push that stray rebellious hair out of your face, but the way the candlelight glows in his eyes has your own breath hitching in your throat

"i was so worried, arthur... i-i thought-"

"i know, angel, i know... i'm sorry...

but i'm here now

and i ain't ever leaving you again."

that nickname... from all those years ago when you first found eachother

whispered for the first time in a moan, you and him tangled together in sheets for the very first time

"goddamn... you're an angel, how'd a dirty sinner like me ever get so lucky?"

when you broke up, you never thought you'd hear it again

and yet here you are

the sweet name echoing in your ears as he kisses you, reuniting your lips after far too long apart

it's a desperate kiss, the kind that holds two lifetimes of context

like you're scared if either one lets go the moment will disappear

so you don't

you tangle your fingers in his hair, he cups your cheek, your bodies moulding together

being any closer would be impossible

"this is it, angel, you hear? no more messing around, this is it. this is us, cause i ain't letting you go."

"you better not, mister."

you’re both crying, breathing each other in, never wanting to let one another go

and you never do again

[lolotr]

hi babes it's me, get ready to spill all your secrets ✨ I wanna know EVERYTHING but also I don't wanna be weird, so gimme 15 with some sweet sweet details about those WIPs, maybe, if you're down for it? Also 29 and 30 pls and thank you. 😘❤️💕

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BABES THANK YOU FOR SENDING THE ASKIES

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

Which ones am I NOT taking into next year with me, jesus. so many. these are all DBD, as will be shocking to 0 of you. I have WIPs in other fandoms, but nothing I'm ACTIVELY working on

-Dead Boys Night: It would be nice if I could finish this before the year ends, but I'm not totally sure that will happen. I have ideas for the last chapter/epilogue, but I haven't been great about sitting down and actually working on it. Pray for me.

-Libraryverse: I will forever be obsessed with this little family I created. I currently have two fics that are actively in progress, nowhere near done, but they will continue to be written, as well as (hopefully) the 10+ other ideas I have for this verse. I kid you not. I am obsessed with the libraryverse.

-The Raven Cycle AU: This has been percolating for a few months, since I wrote the first chapter for payneland week. I want to develop it into a full story, and even have a couple chapters written, but I want to develop it more/get farther before posting them.

-Merthur AU: Weirdly, I also have an idea or two about the merthur vibes AU I wrote for payneland week. I've started working on the story of Edwin and Charles meeting in that verse, but I'm not sure if anything will come of it.

This is not to say these are the only ideas I have, but these are the ones with more than just vague vibes written down, lol.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Ugh, that's gonna be hard. I've written so much that I'm proud of this year, which is such a nice feeling. The first one that comes to mind is this, from my beach episode:

“I love you, Edwin,�� he says, with the same conviction as, Let’s get you out of here. As, You’re my best mate, and you always will be. As, It looks like you’re stuck with me.  

That was one of my favorite confessions I've written.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Honestly? That I found the joy in it again. Before Dead Boy Detectives, I hadn't written much fic. I posted something here and there, usually for much smaller fandoms, but I haven't been gripped by a story in this way in YEARS. So the biggest surprise this year was that I got grabbed by the guts and wrote TENS OF THOUSANDS OF WORDS and am full of ideas and excitement. The initial rush has calmed a bit, both naturally and because I got a job and moved, but I am still having a great time writing and posting, so I'm not going anywhere.

ao3 wrapped [writers edition] (yes I'm using someone else's post bc I couldn't find my own shut up)

[real-life-senshi]

EoT / Fanfic Progress & Blog Update

Hi all, just some update since I've not been active on this blog for awhile, but folks who follow my personal main probs see me quite... active there about my newest hyperfixation. lol

So yeah... I'm on a bit of content pause here because...

1) I have a new hyperfixation that isn't PGSM, it's a musical called Epic The Musical. If you like Homer's the Odyssey or just musicals/theatre in general, strongly encourage you to give it a listen. It's absolutely amazing!

2) Work's also a bit crazy right now. I started a new job in Jan 2023I And I currently have two new projects that feels quite above my expertise. I feel honored and excited to be assigned the work I have, but I've been learning a lots to make sure I'm giving my best work. This means work is kicking my butt intellectually, taking quite a bit of my mental quota away from writing, translating and creative energy.

However, that's not to say I've been completely away from PGSM. Echoes of Time is currently on pause, because I'm actively working on the PGSM past life prequel that is connected to Echoes of Time. I had been stuck, BUT, Since finding Epic, I've been very inspired by a lot of the storytelling elements in the songs and it's really helping me flesh out some of the characterization and motivations of my past life version of the Sailor Senshi and their individual character stories, that have echoes *wink wink* to Ami, Rei, Makoto and Minako, but also with crucial differences that sets them apart. It's something super important for me to do well and sort out now, before I can fully progress toward the best version of Echoes of Time I'm trying to make it.

I've not forgotten about this blog, this community and PGSM in general. (Daily checking the cast's social media is still a must for me to avoid missing things.) But knowing the series is 20 years old also means any pause can really turn people away from the lost momentum, esp I gotten quite some attention with how much I posted in Oct 2023 with the 20th anniversary, so I just want to acknowledge what's going on.

My love for PGSM is ever-lasting, and even if I'm not actively posting things here, please do know there's not a day I don't think about PGSM and try to plan something to be shared in the future! It's just taking me longer to push new content out. 🌙💙❤️💚🧡 And PGSM Reinako is forever my ultimate OTP.

If folks ever want to send me asks though re PGSM, or want me to share some thoughts about where EoT or the prequel is heading, I'm down to share. I will respond :)

[your-queer-dad]

TW - some parental abuse

Hey dad

I just finished my first year of uni and asides from 2 exams I made it! But now it's summer break and... It's rough. I miss my friends. Visiting them is too expensive, and no job is willing to hire me because I have the capabilities of a teen for the salary of an adult. I'm currently waiting to hear back about my application for a government thing that should help though.

I just... I can't keep pretending to be happy at home. My parents are terrible. Earlier today my mom yelled at me in public over nothing and I literally could see a stranger go 😬 at it. But to move out I need an income.

Everything is relying on the government being willing to give me money and in my area that can take forever and they might be real strict. And even once I get money I still have to wait until there's room in the place I want to go to. It's student housing combined with assisted living, I'd love to go there. They say they can't help you become more independent, hopefully that means I won't have to go back to my parents anymore.

I just need to get out of here. It feels like I can't go on much longer, but I can't just escape. My parents don't realize what they do to me, how I feel about them. They're supportive on some stuff, they got me therapy in the past and they're helping with my transition (I started hormones almost two weeks ago!), but at the same time they're so horrible and it's unbearable. But I can't just leave without a word because I rely on them (for example they fully handle my insurance) and I don't even know where to start to fix that.

My mental health was improving lately but now that I'm stuck at home I feel pretty terrible again. I'm still continuing improving my life though. I've started taking a bit more care of myself, doing stuff like changing my bedsheets or doing my laundry more regularly, and I've been taking all my meds every day for 2 months now. It's just hard sometimes to feel good about it when I feel pressured to do more and do better.

It's gonna get better, right? I'll be okay eventually, I just gotta keep going. Surely it'll all work out?

Lex

Hey kiddo, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all that and that's your situation right now. That sounds really hard and stressful to deal with. You're completely right, if you hold on and keep going it will all work out- you just have to stick around to see it work.

- dad x

[tracesofdevotion]

i think that if i don't do something significant in my life, there was no point in me being born. i should have stayed a concept in god's cosmic notebook. i am scared that the most i will ever do in my life is work a minimum wage job. that i'll marry the first person who shows interest in me, have a two or three children, and go out quietly. i want to do something with my life. i do not want to be mediocre.

i am already mediocre. i have poor social connections. i have trouble meeting people's eyes. i am not interesting. i do not do anything that has any impact. i am lazy and cowardly. sometimes i dream about being famous, about people wanting to hear what i have to say. but that will never be a reality.

i hate my teeth. i hate my hair. i hate how i look in the mirror. i do not like how i dress and i do not like the words that flow out of my mouth. nothing that i do i regard with any fondness.

it's easy to say that if i don't like it, i should just change it. but i can't. i have no way of fixing any of it. i have no energy to fix anything. it's easier to wallow. it's easier to lay in my bed and look at my phone for hours than to confront my reflection.

sometimes i think, hey, maybe this is what being "real" is like. maybe this is the natural way of things. no one is ever happy with themselves, everyone has some aspect of themselves that they struggle with.

my only issue with that is that no, i am certain that this is a me problem. that yes, it is normal to dislike some aspect of yourself, but it isn't normal to be so repulsed by your own existence.

i envy artists, in a strange way. they have the ability to draw their pain, to spit it on the page and transform it into something beautiful. i wish that i had that talent. i wish that my pain could be turned into something valuable and worthwhile.

i have no passion or drive. i have nothing that makes me feel like my heart is bursting with pride and contentment. my only escape is reading or writing or sleeping. i could not even tell you what my top 5 hobbies are. my only goal right now is to graduate and get a job. i do not have career goals. i do not have life goals. i have only a vague idea of what i think "a good life" would be.

i hope that i don't sound like a typical whiny teenager. i know that my issues are not unusual nor are they particularly distressing. there are people who suffer far worse things. this is a self-inflicted depression, caused by myself. it is not a chemical imbalance, it is my own failure to be interesting.

i know that i am young, and i know that i am not doomed to be the person i am forever. i know that i have my whole life ahead of me. i know that my current situation is only temporary. but the knowledge of that doesn't stop the anxiety, nor does the belief that this will be a phase do anything to help the situation in this very moment, while i'm stuck in high-school and i'm trying to figure out what to do with myself.

i am stuck doing pointless work, in pointless classes, with people whom i do not get along with (and some who dislike me immensely). every day is spent worrying about the assignments i don't understand or cannot finish, stressing myself out over college applications i'm not prepared for, and the ever-looming reality of my uncertain future.

in my heart of hearts, i know that i am being somewhat dramatic. that i should be patient, that i will make it through this. i know all of this, and still it hurts.

[zenphiaaa]

London Boy (Ranpo Edogawa)

The printer made one last wheezing sound before turning off once more. "Man, it only printed out seven of them." Y/N chewed on her lip in frustration. "Ranpo isn't going to like this. Maybe if I make a trip to the library on my lunch break." She thought as she gathered the papers up in one hand and pulled out her cellphone.

The time was currently eleven thrity in the afternoon. If she left right now, she could also get one of those fancy sandwiches from the Cafe by the station. Y/N quickly clocked out her lunch break and made her way out of the building. To her surprise Ranpo was outside, leaning against the building railing looking bored.

Quietly, she slowly stepped over to where Ranpo was and stood in front of him. Ranpo glanced up and immediately presented Y/N with a wide grin. "Y/N! There you are! I've been waiting out here forever!" The detective whined to the other. "Are you ready for lunch yet? You're paying for being late!" Ranpo stuck out his tongue and made a childish face.

"Um, well I still have to finish a few things. But I'll bring you back something from a bakery yeah?" Y/N hesitantly explained, watching as the male's eyes slowly dropped in disappointment. "We can definitely go to dinner though! Okay? See you later!" She quickly ran away from the other and made her way to the station. Not giving ranpo the opportunity to talk or stop her.

***

An hour later, Y/N had returned to the agency carrying a small box in her arms. After clocking back in, she took the box up to her desk to finish up her assignment. It took nearly her entire lunch break but she finally manged to finsh the print job for Ranpo. Before she could get to her desk though, a figure stoof in front of the agency doors.

Ranpo looked up from his spot arms crossed and a frown on his face. "Did you even eat?" Was all that followed from his lips.

"Ah." Y/N said looking dumbstruck.

Ranpo let out a long sigh before grabbing Y/N's free arm and dragging her away from the agency. "You can't do your job if you have no food for your brain, dummy. Let's go eat at that new Cafe! Since I had to wait an extra hour for my lunch I'm extra hungry. So your paying!" Ranpo happily explained, his grip tighten on the other.

"But the deadline!" Y/N tried to protest but still allowed herself to be pulled away by the older man.

"Eh, I don't really care about that." Ranpo shrugged, "Those government people can cry about it for all I care. Food is more important than trying to secure a capitalist state." Y/n couldn't help but blink at the male in respond before she was suddenly stoo in front of the cafe.

What. In. The. World.

Without a word, Ranpo quickly pushed Y/N into the building and skipped straight to the cashier. "Hi there! Can I get one of everything on your menu please? Thank you!" With that Ranpo had placed a black credit card on the counter and grabbed Y/N's hand before walking off to find a table.

"Um, Ranpo are you good?" Y/N questioned, feeling taken back by the sudden forcefulness coming from the older male. Instead of responding, Ranpo gently pushed Y/N into a nearby chair and took the seat next to her.

"Now we can finally start our lunch date!" Ranpo smiled cheerfully.

"D-date?" Y/N stuttered, face feeling awfully warm.

Ranpo pouted, "Jeez, I asked you yesterday! Remember? Did you hit your head or something at the library?" Y/N just blinked at the other in shock, this was a date?

"Um, yeah I guess I did forget. I'm sorry Ranpo, I didn't mean to forget like that." Y/N blushed red, looking down in embarrassment at her words.

"Ah! It's fine really! Just don't let it happen again!" Ranpo said, clinging onto the other with a wide smile on his face. If Y/N had gathered the courage to glance at the other, she would see that the red in his checks looked absolutely exceptional.

[eternalchaoschocolaterain]

I'm going to do something new for me and post my story here too. See how it goes.

For those who play beyond, this takes place between the last time MC sees Merula in seventh year and the first time they see her again in beyond.

Chapter two I'd hire me

Chapter three: No cure for me

Chapter four: Rinse and repeat

Chapter five: Patience

Chapter six: I don't know

Chapter seven (final chapter): No one knows

The Most Powerful Waitress

Summary: Merula is convinced that now that she has left Hogwarts she gets to make herself into the legend she deserves to be, but life after Hogwarts is not as easy as she thinks.

Fair warning that Quinn is very soppy, especially this chapter.

01. School's out

No more Hogwarts, fucking finally! The Hogwarts Express let out it’s steam with the familiar choo-choo sound and Merula breathed a sigh of relief when it left the station. Time for the easy part of life. Those seven years had been challenging to say the least. Even though she was the Most Powerful Witch and could obviously handle anything, she was more than glad to put an end to this chapter of her life.

No more R, dangerous family members, deadly teachers, useless headmasters and best of all: no more secrets and lies. After a much-needed break she would show the wizarding world how fucking powerful she really was. No one would ever dare to mess with her again. She’d get to create her own life, make her own name.

‘I am never coming back here.’

Merula looked away from the window to Ismelda. Ismelda leaned against Ben Copper, her boyfriend of four months. On her other side sat Beatrice, a fourteen-year-old girl who had been following Ismelda around like a cruppy for the past two years. They shared a compartment for six and the three of them occupied the seats across from Merula. Her trunk occupied the seats next to her.

Beatrice made a face at Ismelda’s words. ‘I’m so jealous. I wish I could leave this wretched school. I can’t believe my parents are still forcing me back here after all that happened. I’ll forever be the girl who got stuck in a portrait.’

Not this conversation again. Merula stifled a groan, rummaged through her trunk until she found one of the books she was currently reading and lost herself in it.

‘Ben there you are!’

A high pitch voice sounded out and Merula didn’t need to look up to know who it belonged to: Beatrice’s older sister, Penny Haywood. Much to Merula’s displeasure Haywood moved her trunk so she could sit on her side, though she did sit at the opposite end. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her pale cheeks flushed as if she’d been crying, which she probably had. Haywood had been crying a lot these past days.

‘I’ve been looking all over the train for you. I still can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow.’

‘Don’t worry, I would’ve come over to say goodbye.’ Copper reassured her.

‘It feels like everyone is leaving,’ Haywood sighed. ‘You to America, Charlie to Romania, Diego and Orion will be traveling and Quinn’s going on a retreat. Everything’s changing so fast. It feels like we were first-years yesterday and now we have to start looking for jobs.’ She paused and looked at Merula. ‘You know, I still don’t know what you’re going to do. I asked Quinn but she didn’t know either.’

‘Why would Lee know what I would be doing?’

‘Because you’re dating? I mean you’ve been together at every ball since fourth year.’

Merula’s face flushed and she gritted her teeth. ‘So? We like to dance together, that doesn’t mean shit.’

Haywood pursed her lips and the others shared looks of annoyed disbelief. Merula bit back a snide remark. Whatever she and Quinn did was no one’s business.

‘Alright, so what are you going to do?’

Since Haywood didn’t press, Merula let up a bit and smirked. ‘I don’t know yet. I have a lot of options, everyone wants the Most Powerful Witch to work for them.’

Enough options at least to ensure the Most Powerful Witch would find a job worthy of her name and having everything else that came with it be forgotten.

‘Really? That’s great! Is curse-breaking one of them?’

‘Fuck no, I’ve been curse-breaking for seven years, I’ve seen enough.’

‘I understand.’ Haywood gave her a sympathetic look, which made Merula want to push her off her seat. ‘What about you Ismelda?’

‘None of your business, Haywood.’ Ismelda rolled her eyes, though only one was visible behind her black hair.

‘Oh, right.’ Haywood rubbed her hands on her legs. An awkward silence fell over the compartment.

‘How about we go to the others?’ Copper suggested. When Haywood nodded, he got up and looked at Ismelda. ‘See you later.’

‘Yes, later.’ Ismelda’s lips curved a bit when she looked at him.

Beatrice looked at Ismelda and Merula. Ismelda gave her a shrug and Merula raised an eyebrow at her. Couldn’t the child think for herself? Luckily, she got up and trailed after Haywood and Copper. Merula turned her attention back to her book, but she had barely started a sentence when Ismelda made her look up again.

‘I thought you were done with lying?’

‘I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.’

‘You and Lee. Everyone knows you’re dating.’

That again. She snapped her book shut. ‘What’s it to you what Lee and I are or aren’t doing together? At least I’m not running off to America with her after only four months of dating!’

‘Four and a half! And I’m not following him.’ Ismelda hissed. ‘But you’re right, I should just let you simmer in whatever mess you created.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?!’

‘Your girlfriend has some serious issues. If she had half a braincell she would’ve dumped you with all the lying. For fucks sake, you even kidnapped her!’

‘Only because I had to. She wouldn’t stop prying. I told her not to. I tried to protect her, but she never listens!’ Merula sighed. ‘I wanted to sort things out, make them right before it got worse.’

‘I know.’ Ismelda’s face softened a bit.

A silence fell between them and Merula fidgeted with her book. Sure she and Quinn had some issues, but that made sense right? With Quinn’s desperate need to find her brother in the Cursed Vaults Merula’s need to find power in those same vaults. Add on R and their need to get into the vaults… Yeah, nothing about their time at Hogwarts had been normal.

And, well, part of it was her fault, she should’ve never let her aunt manipulate her into joining R. She hurt her friends, kidnapped Quinn and lied to everyone. At the time she thought working with her aunt would make things better, would enable her to protect herself and others. She had never been more wrong. All her aunt wanted was to use her and when she realised this, she stood up against her. With her help her aunt was captured and would now spend the rest of her life in Azkaban. If you asked her that had to count for something, but she knew not everyone agreed. Quite a few of Quinn’s friends hated her for what she’d done and some had even tried to convince Quinn to stop talking to her. Without success of course, because their bond was that strong.

Or because Ismelda is right.

No. Couldn’t be that. Ismelda still talked to her too, even though she got attacked by a Wampus cat Merula had set loose.

‘I lied to you too and got you in the hospital wing. What does that say about us?’

‘That both of us have issues, but I’m not denying it.’ Ismelda smirked. ‘Maybe you shouldn’t either.’

Merula let out what she hoped sounded like a chuckle, but felt more like a bitter laugh. Thankfully Ismelda changed the subject by showing her a book Copper had given her before getting on the train: A comprehensive guide to the rarest museum artefacts in the United States.

They got interrupted when the Trolley Witch came by to offer them some sweets. Merula got herself a cauldron cake and had half a mind to get an acid pop, except Ismelda knew she didn’t like them and who did. Since she knew getting one would get her into a discussion again, she didn’t. She could get Quinn all the acid pops she wanted later.

After the Trolley Witch left she and Ismelda talked about future plans until Beatrice returned and the three of them played a few games of Exploding Snap. When the train arrived in London, they waited for others to get off first. Neither of them liked crowds. Beatrice’s expression turned sour when she watched their schoolmates walk together on the platform. Merula felt a wave of compassion when she looked at her. The poor girl had been through a lot and couldn’t connect to her peers because of it. Now she’d have to face it all on her own. Merula nudged her with her foot.

‘Owl me whenever you get sick of those numbskulls. We can meet up in Hogsmeade if you like.’

Beatrice’s face brightened and she nodded.

The three of them got out when the platform was empty again and made their way to the front gate, where the guard regulated the exists. Haywood stood near the guard, talking to a tall redhead who Merula pointedly didn’t look at, and waved at Beatrice. Her eyes were redder and puffier than before. Beatrice looked at Merula and Ismelda and said a quick goodbye. She made a move to leave, but Ismelda caught her in a hug and whispered something. Beatrice smiled when she let go.

Merula looked at Ismelda in surprise. Her expression was as stone-faced as ever, but her eyes were a tad shinier than usual. ‘You’re really going to miss her.’

‘Maybe a little.’ Ismelda shrugged. ‘Anyway, I’ll owl you when I’ve settled a bit.’

‘I’ll come visit when I can.’

‘Good.’

A crack sounded over the platform when Ismelda disapparated and Merula’s stomach squeezed. Ismelda was the only person who had stood by her from the start and now she would be in the US for the foreseeable future. Which left her with only one person to talk to, so as long as things would stay good between them. Which they would. Because she’d get a job, be recognized for her powers and all would be well.

‘A longsleeve and a leather jacket? You must be freezing in this sunny weather!’

Her stomach did a whole other squeeze when she heard the lively voice. Quinn had come up next to her, wearing a yellow cropped top and red shorts. Her curls fell over her shoulders from a high ponytail. So maybe Merula did dress a little warm for the weather, but she liked being warm. Quinn held out her arm with a grin.

‘Ready for the retreat?’

Instead of hooking their arms together, Merula had a look around the platform. When she confirmed they were the only ones left, she wrapped her arms around Quinn and rested her head against her collarbone. Without a word Quinn returned the hug. They stood in silence for a good few moments before Merula unwrapped one arm to get her trunk.

‘Now I’m ready.’

After making sure Quinn had her trunk, Merula apparated both of them away. Her feet were not even a second on the ground when Quinn scooped her up and carried her towards the front door. Merula yelped, which made Quinn laugh. She pressed closer against her, looking over her shoulder to make sure the trunks followed them. Quinn carried her all the way through the living room into the large overgrown back garden. She gently lowered Merula into the grass and laid down beside her. Her breath tingled against Merula’s lips when she spoke.

‘I’m so happy it’s going to be just us for the next four weeks.’

‘Unless I get tired of you before that.’

‘Of course,’ Quinn chuckled. ‘I’m just glad to leave Hogwarts behind. Now that everything’s over we can finally lead some normal lives.’

‘It better not be boring though.’

‘Life with you could never be boring.’

Her jaw clenched. No, boring wasn’t a word anyone would use for their time together.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Rula…’ Her voice sounded soft and pleading.

Internally Merula cursed herself for even listening to Ismelda. ‘It’s nothing. Just, Ismelda says you’re only with me because you’ve got serious issues.’

‘Oh.’ Quinn furrowed her brow. ‘Andre said something like that too, about me having issues.’

She fell silent and Merula plucked at the grass between them, fighting the urge to apologize again. If Quinn didn’t still have that faraway thinking look of hers, she would’ve. She kept plucking at the grass until Quinn spoke again.

‘I suppose I get why they would say that. You hurt me, a lot. But the thing is, you make me happy. Very happy. Our dates were one of the few things I could look forward too, especially after Rowan died. You’re so sweet and caring and you’re the best at planning dates. You challenge me. You never act like I’m some hero, but you still make me feel special and loved. So I don’t care if I’m mad for staying with you. I love you and I don’t want to lose you too. I’ve lost enough already.’

A mixture of emotions overwhelmed Merula, constricted her throat and she scooted closer to bury her head in Quinn’s neck. Quinn wrapped an arm around her and stroked her back.

Their dates had been an escape for her too. Whenever it was the two of them, they just laughed, teased each other, made out, talked about quidditch, school work or music. Anything but the Vaults, or R. When she looked up, Quinn had this sweet loving smile on her face. A warm feeling spread through her, pushing everything else aside. It didn’t matter why Quinn kept dating her, she never wanted this to end.

Her voice sounded hoarse from emotion. ‘I don’t want to lose you either. I care so much about you.’

She took a deep breath. ‘What do you think is going to happen to us now that we get to be normal adults?’

‘I say we’ll get married and have eight kids.’

By Salazar, she looked serious too. Merula raised her eyebrows, if she needed any more confirmation that her girlfriend was mad, this would certainly count. ‘Eight kids?! You better carry them because I won’t.’

‘So you agree?’ Quinn’s green eyes crinkled behind her glasses.

Despite herself Merula couldn’t help but smile back. ‘No!’

She pushed her shoulder, but Quinn was quick to grab her wrists and get on top of her. She tickled her until Merula had tears in her eyes from laughing. Only after Merula issued some proper threats did Quinn stop and ended it with a kiss. She tasted like acid pops. When they let go to catch their breath, Merula felt light and giggly. Everything would be so much better now.

[wonderlandleighleigh]

(Hello, Sunshine, October 1963)

October rolls around without much incident, though Midge feels oddly restless. It’s like something was shaken loose inside of her when Sophie Lennon tried to brain her with that Grammy, and she can’t put her finger on what.

And Lenny notices, because of course he does, but since she doesn’t know what’s wrong, she can’t really tell him.

But he’s a relatively patient man, especially when it comes to Midge’s eccentricities, so he waits her out.

“It’s like-“ She stops, thinking about it. “Something is missing. Which is insane. I have you and the kids, and a great career…”

Lenny shrugs as they do the dishes together after dinner one night. “Maybe you want more from your career. Go higher. Farther. Funnier.”

“Well, yeah,” Midge snorts. “Of course I do, but I feel like I’m on that trajectory, you know? I feel like- I feel like I’m on the right path with comedy.”

“Maybe you want it to go faster,” Lenny suggests.

“It’s not the comedy,” she presses, shaking her head. “It’s not. I won an Emmy. Susie is making noise about a comedy album next year, the show is amazing, I’m getting offers left and right.”

Lenny nods slowly, and when she glances at him, she can see that he’s nervous.

Midge turns to him quickly, cupping his jaw with her damp hands. “Lenny. No. It’s not you.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, and then deflects with a joke. “Because I can be weirder in bed.”

She smiles. “You are lovely,” she tells him, leaning up to kiss him softly. “And what we have is all I want. I just-can’t put my finger on what might be missing.”

“Well, let’s see. Career is good,” Lenny lists off, wrapping his arms around her. “We’re good. Your parents are busy and good. Joel is…Joel. The kids are doing well. Getting older. I can’t believe Kitty is eight now. She used to be the size of my forearm.”

Midge smiles and nods. “I know what you mean. If Ethan has one more growth spurt, I’m going to have to ask Gordon for a raise just to cover a brand-new wardrobe for him.” She sighs wistfully. “It feels like yesterday he was trying to convince me Esther had run away while I was holding her in my arms.”

She likes that the joke makes Lenny chuckle, but as she stands there in his arms, her thumb brushing his jaw gently, she finds herself thinking about-

“Shit,” she blurts out.

“What?” Lenny asks, looking perplexed.

“I know what it is,” Midge huffs out, completely annoyed at herself.

“Okay, well, what is it?”

“I want another baby,” she announces.

Lenny blinks, tilting his head as he gazes at her. “Like a…a fourth kid? You want to add a four child to this madhouse?”

“Yes.”

“Explain.”

Midge shrugs. “It just…feels right. One more. One with you.”

He sighs softly, obviously trying not to start a fight. “The pregnancy and then the recovery and handling a newborn…it’s an entire other job on top of the ones you currently have as a comedian and a mother of three school-aged kids…”

“I know,” Midge nods.

Lenny stays quiet for a moment. “Is this about the Grammy that came flying at your head last month?”

She sighs. "Well it did scare the bejesus out of me and bring me face to face with my own mortality, so maybe a little."

"I guess I'm asking…do you really want another, or are you just still scared?" He asks, rubbing her sides soothingly. "Because the fear will pass, but we'd be stuck with a fourth kid forever. They have terrible return policies on those things."

Midge huffs out a laugh and closes her eyes. "I think…I really do want one." She opens then again, peering up at him. "What do you want?"

Lenny grins softly, obviously thinking it over. "I like being a dad. And I fucked up Kitty’s babyhood quite a bit. Getting another shot doesn't sound bad. But being the dad is nothing compared to what you'd be doing."

She shrugs. "It's old hat."

He gazes at her contrmpatlatively. "You're sure."

Midge takes a breath, squaring her shoulders and nods. "I'm sure."

"You're not gonna wake up for a three AM feeding and wish you could leave it at B. Altman like a dress you thought you wanted but changed your mind on?"

"Oh, no I will completely do that," she tells him. "But that's the fleeting feeling. Not the wanting a baby part."

Lenny chuckles softly. "We're crazy."

"Yes, that's why we got married in the first place," Midge reminds him. "There's safety in numbers."

He leans in, kissing her slowly as he pulls her in close, and Midge forgets all about jokes and dishes, her fingers slipping to his neck as he starts to maneuver them out of the kitchen.

She moans softly, thankful that the kids are with her parents tonight. "Starting already?" Ske asks between kisses.

His lips attach themselves to her neck. "No time like the present," he mumbles.

[sburbian-sage]

howdy, i just got into my third session, and its kinda setting in that I'm stuck in this forever now? fuck. gotta look on the bright side and all that, godly powers are cool. the trauma, not so much.

currently i am a ward of dust, and I haven't been able to find much clear information about what that means so any help would be appreciated. i am a native heir of rage so I shouldn't struggle too much with being a ward right?

~chronicMalady

THIS ISN'T A CLASSPECT POST

You're right on the money with regards to the Ward. As an Heir, you likely went through something of an archetypal "hero's journey", getting schooled by various mentors and your Whispers, learning a lot about what being an Heir of Rage means until it was time for you to step up and assume your rightful place as "big dick MVP hero of the session", right? Being a Ward is a lot like that, except you're not getting schooled all the time now. It's your job to step up, all of your ambition behind you, and seize as much as you can. Straightforward progression, cocksure that everything will go your way, as it will, never settling for the easy road ahead. The upside is that your endeavors will frequently plan out. The downside is that you will still get schooled now and then. And when you do, you'll need to learn to rely on others, as opposed to doing things on behalf of them. Always try to exceed your limits, but be aware of them when you hit them.

As for Dust, it's about investing in things that don't seem impressive now, but could become something in the future. It's the opposite of Coins, which is about assessing the value of things and what they can do for you now. Imagine you want a fast bike. Rage Players will ride any old bike and simply scream at it to go faster. Coin Players will go to the store and discern which bike is the fastest, and how they can acquire it. Dust Players know that their bike might not be the fastest, but it just takes some TLC, maintenance, and modification, and soon enough it'll be faster than both of them. It's about commitment and trying to unlock the true potential in things, while avoiding lost causes. This should be fairly understandable, these are like koans, but your Aspect will guide you a lot more directly as a Ward than it did as an Heir.

The more important advice I think you need is about acclimating to the whole "you play the game forever now" thing. This tends to be harder to cope with than the game itself.

If you meet someone you're genuinely friends with (or want to know after the Session ends), make sure you exchange contact information. Value your comrades, but make sure that it doesn't turn into one or two people stressdumping on the other, otherwise your friendships will become chores.

Find a hobby. Something you can retreat to in order to clear your mind. Running this blog is my version of touching grass. Have some "devoted" hobbies you can reflexively engage with when it's time to decompress, but ensure you have a rotating set so you don't associate (e.g.) watching movies with feeling miserable.

Maintaining a blog is like having a hobby, a journal (diary), and a "centerpoint" for your friend group, all at once.

Internalize a reason to keep going, even if it's petty. "I'll hold out in case I escape" is a bad one that will lead to inevitable disappointment. "I'll be there to hang out with my friends" is a classic, but watch out and make sure you don't lose the will to live if one of them ends up going silent forever one day. For me, I always end a day by checking the archive of pre-SBURBAN media. I personally think there's something significant about booting up a never-before-seen video game or cartoon, even if I know it's ultimately a relic of a bygone era. It kind of reminds me of the Replayernet as a whole. A group of people who should by all means be dying alone and afraid, contributing to a greater continuity of culture that will outlast all of them one day, but be there for the next generations. Even if I'm not so idealistic as to believe that it'll be our foundation for rebuilding those cultures when (if) the door starts working.

[apomaro-mellow]

alright, i'm going to go ahead and made a rant post about this car situation just so i can get it out and put it to bed. I don't mind if yall wanna comment or whatever but after this I'm just done.

So we need to go back almost a year. My car at the time seemed to be on its last legs. There was a repair it needed that was going to cost like $1200 and I had already paid close to that amount just a few months prior for another repair. I didn't want to pay that again but was willing to save up until it was suggested that I start looking for another car.

I will give my dad props for this one and only thing. He held my hand during this process bc it was my first time. Every other car I had, had been gifted by my grandparents. This was my first time shopping for one. Now it gets interesting bc instead of just getting rid of my old car, my grandparents were going to foot the $1200 bill anyway so that my brother could get it.

I felt iffy about that situation but figured it was for the best since I'd be getting a vehicle with no problems. The problem came about when he decided to drive it around and rack up tickets while MY name was still on the title (this cause my insurance premium to shoot thru the roof but thankfully i got it fixed). I literally had to escort my brother to the DMV to sort out all the paperwork and even THEN he took forever to actually change the plates so I was STILL getting tickets on my record and I had to be the one to go and take what were still my license plates off the car.

This could have potentially been an asshole move, bc I had no idea where his new plates were, but that's not my responsibility. Lucky for him, the new plates were where? In the car, bc he never did anything with them after our DMV appointment. This all occurred in summer/fall 2023.

Then in December, he starts having problems with that car. It even stops on him a couple of times. There is talks of him getting another one. Just like me, all of his (many) previous cars were gifts from our grandparents. I should have probably said earlier but these are all USED cars. We're not getting brand new ones, but still, good condition that we've never had to pay a cent for.

It's also worth mentioning that in the like....six months my brother has had my old car he got hundreds of dollars worth of tickets. Not a single one he paid on his own. Either I took care of it bc they were in my name and he's literally gone to court for not paying, or my dad has paid. But I feel like I'm digressing.

About last week, he curses out my mom because she asks him to *checks notes* receive his infant child when his baby mama drops her off. Apparently that was disagreeable and he cursed her out on the phone, then later to her face when she got home. The part that stuck out in his rant to me was that no one in our family had ever done anything for him. I think just from what I've stated above, it's pretty obvious to see that's false.

So whyyyyyyy

Why why why

After that breakdown, my dad and grandparents thought "Let's just give him another car"?

It is exhausting to see the same thing happen again and again. But this time kind of burned me bad because he got the exact same car that I have. The one I had to shop for. The one I had to visit sellers for. The one I am currently on the hook for a $10,000 loan with like 15% interest. My mother told me this was the case but I didn't actually see the car until this morning.

Here's where I give my dad the benefit of the doubt a single time: It's a common car, dealers have a ton of them, it's probably still an attractive price range. And that's the end of it.

But what I see, is that I can do everything I was told to do: do well in school, get a degree, get a job, start building my career. And it gets me virtually the same as if I did none of those things and on top of it disrespected my parents to their faces.

Like really, why am I working so hard? If doing what I do gets me the same as a foul mouthed, lazy ass, ungrateful son who's shackin up with the most frustrating baby mama in the world then what the hell is this all for anyway?

[cryptidsurveys]

Sunday, September 1st, 2024.

Do you think surveys are annoying? If I thought surveys as a whole were annoying, then I wouldn't bother taking them. Sometimes questions can be a bit silly, boring, or repetitive; but at their core, surveys are a good way for me to document my day-to-day life. They help me stay consistent in a way I wouldn't be with journaling.

What career paths are you considering? I doubt being a minimum wage kennel tech at the animal shelter would be considered a "career," but it's basically my dream job. I can't think of anything else I would rather do.

Do you watch music videos? Rarely.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping? Probably around a day and a half.

Ever clicked on those banner ads that promise a prize for clicking? I think I clicked on an Xbox one as a teen because I wanted to see what would happen. I don't think I believed I'd actually win anything, and (to the surprise of absolutely no one) I did not. I also didn't have the credit card they undoubtedly wanted, so...there's that.

What flavor ice cream would you say your personality is like? Something sweet with a sudden and unexpected kick of chili pepper. Something nice until it's not. ;D

What kind of computer are you using? A Dell desktop.

What kind of computer do you wish you were using? I'm actually very happy with my current computer.

Do you think machines will take over the world? Hmm. No. Not completely. I do think society will become more tech-driven in the future, but only to the point at which human nature pushes back. There are just some things machines can't do and needs they can't fulfill. Eventually, hopefully, we will find a workable balance.

Ever had a weight change so drastic you went to the doctor? Not really. I've been to the doctor for my eating disorder, but it wasn't like my weight loss was a medical mystery.

How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? It doesn't even have to be cold. It just has to not be hot.

Socks? I wear socks regardless of the temperature.

A coat? I guess fairly cold (or if I'm planning on spending a long time out in chilly weather). Who do people say you look like? No one says I look like anyone.

Do you usually get your homework done on time? I'm not in school anymore, but I typically turned my work in on time.

What’s in your closet? A bunch of junk.

Why don’t realtors like orange walls? Don't they prefer it when houses are sort of "generic?" That way potential buyers can start with a blank slate and make it their own? I mean, not many people are going to walk into a house with orange walls and be like, "Omg, it's perfect!!!"

Is the way you typically behave congruent with your ethnic background? I don't think the way I behave is congruent with anything except for being a lil weird.

Do you miss anyone dreadfully right now? Mostly pets who have passed on.

Have you ever framed your old movie ticket stubs? No.

If you could go out to lunch with anyone who ever existed, who would you pick? Whoever orchestrated/oversaw the building of the pyramids or any other mysterious, ancient monuments. I'm not one of those people who think aliens did it, but I would like to know exactly how they were built.

Are cats normaler than dogs? Uh…not according to Alex.

Does your left or right side seem to get hurt more often? I think when it comes to migraines it's my right side that hurts more often.

Quote something, preferably the 1st thing that comes to your head: Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Do you have a digital camera? Yeah, but I don't use it. I use my phone for photos these days.

Have you ever stuck something inappropriate in an electrical outlet? No.

What is your calendar pic for October? I'm not sure. There's a calendar downstairs, but I don't feel like running down there to check.

How many light sources do you have in your room? There are two overhead lights (which have been burned out for ages; I just haven't bothered to replace the bulbs), a set of string lights above my desk, a couple of salt lamps, and a couple of mushroom night lights. Oh, and the window for natural light.

Are you being stalked? No.

Will you have anything scheduled for the 16 of this or next month? Let's see…the 16th is a Monday, so I will more than likely be at the animal shelter.

Can you sleep without any pillows? If I had to, but I would really rather not.

Is there a color you REFUSE to wear? Hmm. I avoid white. <- Same. I'm a messy person and don't want to risk it.

Is there a car you REFUSE to drive? The company vehicle for the animal shelter. They're not asking me to drive it, but if I ever worked there…oh no. I'm inventing some sort of traffic infraction to get out of it because I do not trust myself with someone else's car.

Have you ever lived in a brand new house? No.

Has anyone ever pulled a gun on you? No.

Are you hurt if people call you names? I probably would be, but I think it would also depend on who was doing it and why.

Are there any chairs in your bedroom? Yeah. There's a computer chair, a fluffy white chair, and a bean bag (if you want to count that as some sort of seat; it's more of a cat bed atm, though).

Roughly, how often do you get sick per year? I have a lot of migraines, but when it comes to other illnesses, not very often. I did get sick twice in 2023, though - once with covid in Feb/March and then again around October with some sniffly cold thing that lasted about a month.

Do you go to the doctor, using holistic methods, or do nothing when sick? I take OTC migraine meds and that's pretty much it.

How many pairs of shoes do you have? Two.

Where would you least mind your car breaking down? At home…? But hopefully not right before I was expected to be somewhere - which was what happened to River this morning. I showed up at the animal shelter and Pat was like, "I've got a surprise for you!" "Oh yeah?" "Kristen called off, so it's just you and the new girl (River) today." "Uh wow, okay, cool, we got this!" ;D Went back to cattery, started getting things set up, but 8:00am rolled around and River wasn't there yet. No one knew where she was. I was like, "Okay, I've done cattery by myself before, I guess I can do it again…" Fed the cats, started cleaning in one of the colonies, and River walked in around 8:30am. Apparently, she was having car trouble and was frantically texting anyone she could for a ride. Alex was called in as well and she showed up shortly after River got there. What a wild start to the morning, lmao. I was totally ready to tackle cattery by myself.

[sillimancer]

okay so I'm another year older. what have I learned?

It is not illegal to ask for help and sometimes people will even actually give it to you.

HRT has in fact made me happier if only because it's showing me that I have at least some control over my body and appearance.

I cannot sustainably manage a household and work full-time by myself in my current condition.

there is no ceiling for how much worse weight discrimination can get at the doctor's office; if you get fatter, it gets worse.

having a compatible therapist does actually make a difference but it doesn't make all the struggles of talk therapy magically vanish either.

you can work with nice people and still be really unhappy at your job.

I am really not that different from a stray cat you would find on the streets somewhere.

the fear holding me back from like, living a life and being happy is way worse than I ever could have imagined.

having friends is not at all the same as having good friends.

isolation makes you weird and if you're not careful it'll make you unlikable.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 14 and assumed I'd go through with it before I turned 18. Today I turned 33.

"it gets better" has always felt like a bit of a stretch to me. It hasn't really gotten better, not at the high level. I'm battling a lot of the same bullshit I was back then. Some of that bullshit will probably stick around forever. So I can't promise that it gets better. A lot of it actually got worse.

but I would have missed out on a lot if I hadn't stuck around. A lot of the things that made me feel (at least in those moments) that staying alive was a good choice. I had to learn to look for those moments (like no really they had to teach me in the psych ward) and it's a skill I'm still working on. the secret for me was realizing that those things can be mundane, stupid, childish, or anything else, as long as it keeps you going. I had a whole period in my late teens and early 20s where the thing keeping me alive was "if I killed myself my online friends would never know what happened to me and I can't do that to them". Another time in my late 20s I bought a fern cuz I knew if I killed myself no one else would water it so I had to stay alive. for the fern. I stayed alive (Lucifern tragically did not survive, rip Lucifern). Crab rangoons kept me from killing myself. 6 uninterrupted hours of scrolling on Tiktok has kept me from killing myself.

sometimes you watch all of Steven Universe in like 2 weeks so you can live long enough to take your sister to Ireland to finally meet her grandparents for the first and last time and other times you begrudgingly stick around to see what the Breath of the Wild sequel is going to be like and that's okay cuz you wouldn't have gotten to enjoy a really good cartoon or take your favorite person on a once-in-a-lifetime overseas adventure or play what would end up being one of your most favorite video games ever if you'd killed yourself while hiding in your bedroom closet that night 19 years ago.

plus I wouldn't have lived to see my dad die, so. thank god for small favors. here's to 19 more years of stuff I'd regret missing out on if I was dead.

(seriously though I hope it gets objectively better in the next 19 years)