#I feel like I'm being hunted for sport
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Terribly fucked up 20 minutes during which I feared I'd left my phone at the bar only to find it behind a curtain on the windowsill. I've never lost a phone before. The ignominy of having just... left it behind after a singular beer... my ego would never recover. Luckily we are fine. My streak remains in tact.
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I did the interview & I'm still so so so very nervous guys what if they call me a liar & crucify me on the spot
I got a job interview in a couple hours and I'm so so so very nervous
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twitter for you page: oh yeah this is all things my friends like haha that's funny that does appeal to my sensibilities haha- holy shit that's a nazi dog whistle. holy fuck. did anyone else just see that? holy shit. woah.
tumblr for you page:
#the content on the tumblr fyp is infinitely more vanilla it's just boring and i feel like im being hunted for sport#because i'm scared of mcr blogs i don't already follow
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the parallels between morrigan and the mage warden (especially one who snitched on jowan and so isn't automatically doomed if they stay in the circle) both being unceremoniously kicked out by their parental figures from the isolated nests they've been cooped up in all their lives and sent flailing out into the real world to test their wings. the love that you can read in between the lines there from irving, and even flemeth -- in both cases this is a cause of action taken partly to save their children (from the circle, from the blight, from the isolation and constriction they would be doomed to otherwise), and in both cases it also opens them up to a world of new dangers. (I wonder if irving knows how many grey warden recruits die right off the bat. from his general character I think he might take that chance even if he knew because otherwise the circle is all but inescapable, but from what he says to amell/surana at the time and how set duncan is to keep that particular detail on the down low I feel more on the side of him not being aware.)
irving at least is encouraging and explains the outlines of what he's thinking even in his hurry to get you out the door, flemeth takes the opportunity to get in a few more stabs of emotional abuse haha. but I think my amell looks at morrigan's shock and partial dismay to be sent away with them so abruptly (and despite everything, the sting of it being so easy to do on her mother's part, emotionally) and feels a sympathetic sinking in her stomach. because yeah she knows that feeling too
#there are some lines from morrigan that makes me think something kind of bad might have happened to her#the last time she left the wilds? she says that when she returned home to flemeth last time she never meant to leave the wilds again#:( morrigan baby if anyone fucked with you... tell me we'll hunt them down for sport and kill them#dragon age#dragon age origins#morrigan#warden amell#oc: sophia amell#first enchanter irving#flemeth#I'm a decade older now and playing this part again with more adult eyes... seeing morrigan try SO HARD to create one little moment#of connection; of care -- saying she doesn't want to come back to the hut burned down and framing it as a dig; a joke#and even being that careful even being that roundabout she gets shot down SO brutally by flemeth and it hurts to watch#I feel almost parental about it all more than anything this time around like. oh morrigan I'm so so sorry about everything#'I am many things but I will not be the mother you were to me' sobbing I'm so proud of her
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friendship will save me. friendship will show me the way
#lay text#really feeling this in late 2024 <33#i hope i'll build even more friendships & grow even closer#i was always desperately lonely growing up#i'm so grateful for radblr... i felt like a total freak#and a bigot and a loser and just. a bad person. i didn't realize how much i struggled w that til i joined radblr#libfem circles rly rly fucked me up#so thank u sm to all of u#i know we don't agree on everything all the time#and i know it's not always easy#but i do feel sisterhood#i rly truly do#and it means the whole world to me#i'm like tearing upppppgkdsjgkjsg cringe#but yeah idk i rly hope i'll make even more friends :'( <33#trying to find sane ppl to befriend irl too#i'm so tired of being told i'm a bigot for being homosexual or for believing that female/ofab rights matter too#alongside transfem rights etc#i'm so tired of saying the mildest takes ever and being hunted for sports in modern lgbt spaces. it's genuinely messed up#this is why radblr is needed more than ever before!!!#anyways. luv my friends
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I'm still weeping about how fcking ugly that figure is. Skul looks like he will fall over or run against a pole. Also, why the glossy finish?? Gloss shows like ALL your mistakes while matt hides it somewhat, plus suits ain't glossy. It makes it so obvious he doesn't really understand folds.
And then he demands such a high price?? I get that the other figures are from video games which make more money and have a bigger audience, but if you are gonna take such a high price for a figure at least make sure your customers get their money's worth!
Why is this random ass youtuber doing it more professionally than a 'globally bestselling' author that has HarperCollins, one of the biggest publishers in the world, backing him??? Instead, he goes the nepotism route because he's cheap. Sorry, but his brother is not a good sculptor and he's a worse concept artist and his paint jobs ain't great either. Landy would only have to cough up the money for the concept art up front, then he could do a Kickstarter again and use that to pay the sculptor and the production and box art.
And then this sets me off even more, because what the fck kind of backwaters hillbilly operation is this, why is he packing them in a fcking shed
The only thing he is committed to is being cheap!
I love figures so much and watching this is just killing me on the inside 😱 it's just a card box. Does he not know that the boxes that figures come in can be displayed too?? I certainly do for most figures I got!
Jinx Arcane Figure
Lilith Borderlands Figure
Luigi Figure (this bad boi is made with LEDs)
#SCREECHING#skulduggery pleasant#sp merch#I could rant for hours more#like Landy being like “created by me”#like what did you do? come up with a self insert character with the most basic design ever#and package that stuff#he wasn't even bloody involved with the actual creation of that figures as far as I'm aware#also his dad get more credit because he's using his shed than the artists that draw his merch#like merch artists usually aren't credited but you could at least answer when I directly ask who drew it#also he promised merch of more characters and that hasn't happened yet either and there have been multiple merch drops since then#I also feel very strongly about figures#because one I love them#and two I have figure painting as a hobby#or I'm trying to have it as a hoppy#it's expensive and time consuming#I know no one else gives a damn about this but if I don't write this down I'm going to hunt him down for sport#rant#art rant#I can as for 50 at most for that Skul figure#and that would still feel like daylight robbery#I also feel like since this is a book fandom most people have no idea how expensive figures usualy are
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#well I just submitted my essay for my history class so I'm finally done with finals#I wish I felt happier or relieved or something but I don't. I feel awful. my body hurts from the incredible amount of tension/anxiety I had#trying to finish it before 11:59. I submitted it at 11:55. I have never come that close before and I hate it#the amount of anxiety I had you'd think the deadline was hunting me for sport#and what's worse is I felt all this anxiety and put all this work into it and I'm not even happy about it#I spent two days trying to figure out what he wanted us to write about because apparently he just seems to be really bad at instructions#like I thought maybe it was just me overthinking but I spent two hours talking to my mom about it and in the end even she couldn't figure i#so then I had only two days to gather notes make an outline write an essay. while burnt out and barely able to focus.#and while not knowing exactly what I was doing like is this what he wants. is it not. who knows I literally don't have time left#to figure it out I just need to write something and hope it works#but I hate being unsure it makes everything harder#especially because I really wanted to make a good grade. this was the class where I made a 78 on my midterm#which brought my class grade to a B but I'd been able to get it back to an A and I'd be able to keep it if I got like an 80ish on the final#the essay turned out okay idk if it's what he wanted but whatever at least I got the other requirements like word count and sources#but the CITATIONS...we had to use chicago which I'd never used before and let me just say. mla is the love of my life after this.#actually chicago might not be that bad if I got used to it I think my violence should be directed toward every word processor#that links footnotes. it is so STUPID that there isn't an easier way to make them different#if it hadn't been for trying to figure out footnotes on google docs I could've submitted it like ten minutes earlier#and with phenomenally less stress#I eventually had to make a choice as to what I'd give up: (1) submitting it on time (2) perfect citations or (3) word doc#which is what he wanted it submitted as#except when I tried that thank goodness I looked at the preview before I submitted it because I saw that it'd messed up the citations#I ended up submitting it as a pdf. on time. with perfect (maybe) (I didn't have time to double check) citations. but not as a word doc.#is it the end of the world? idk probably not but not meeting a professor's requirements is like. anathema.#all of that is to say that I'm going to cry and then let it go and get to bed and just. idk. I've reached that point where#I'm so tired and numb that it feels like I'll never feel better#anyway#maybe I hurt because of my meds and the side effects decided to kick in now because the grace of God held them back long enough#for me to finish#earl crow ramblings
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i can't even watch this rn
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Guys I almost died 😭 I showed him my tattoo and he grabbed my hand to hold it up 😭
I kept rehearsing what i was going going to say in my head and then I forgot it when I was in front of him 😭 I panicked and all I could think of was my tattoo
The tattoo in question
#No one touch me I've very fragile right now#jeff satur#I feel like I'm being hunted for sport 😭#I'm actually in shock#Ss8 bkk d2#mine
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hate when you look at a word that's spelled correctly for too long and start second guessing yourself. what the fuck do you mean it's spelled like that, why does it look like that... are you sure??
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high stress ebay bidding
#somehow in person auctions are less stressful#but whenever it gets to the final half hour on ebay i feel like i'm being hunted for sport
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#ive been stressing all day about a purchase i'm not even making lol#i have mental problems sjfmsjg#no but for real i was reviewing the tablet i had decided on to buy in the distant future#and found out it's actually not very good for drawing which is the sole reason i want to get a tablet#and i got physical symptoms of anxiety and dread as if i had wasted money#on a thing I DIDN'T BUY#but then i found another tablet which is good for drawing and it's a bit more expensive#and once again i got the anxiety levels of someone being hunted for sport#for another product I DIDN'T BUY#but it's just this horrible timing thing that's making me anxious#because it's a lot of money that i have to spend on this#and I don't have a regular income#and my country's economy is hell to the point that by tomorrow the price could double without warning#and there's also there's some sales coming so maybe i should wait til then#but then also i have to catch the sale and the product i want#and also the holidays are coming so the price might spike up#and i never know when the correct time to buy anything is!!#and this folks is why I don't gamble lol#no but for real... i have been panicking all day and I don't even have a proper reason#i could also live without the tablet very well so it feels like a waste of money in general#so...#i have issues with spending money...#especially because I don't know when it's gonna be the next time i get work#could be next week... could be in six months... could be never again...#if i just could get hired for a proper project woth a decent pay...#ahhh the dream :')#ok i'm gonna go to bed now (if my stupid ear '''''infection'''''' lets me...)#life is hell but at least i got to boop people today <3#angel talks#personal
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You would think with all this anxiety that I was being hunted for sport
#I am in fact not being hunted for sport#I am just going to London which requires getting on trains#but not for another 7 hours#I have another 7 hours before I have to leave and I feel like this#bears in trees will be worth it but fucking hell anxiety is no bloody joke#I also didn't sleep because of it#I'm having a great time... not#delete later
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actually deeply apprehensive about opening up my strange magic fic documents |:
#a butterfly obsesses#maybe I should rewatch the movie as a restart#as someone who's done most of their creative work during manic episodes I need to learn how to do it when I'm on an even keel#see this is why so many bipolar people go off their meds#it feels like the inspiration and creativity has been taken away#don't worry I'm not even considering it. the withdrawal symptoms alone are enough to stop that idea dead in its tracks#plus the ups are not worth the panic attacks and constant feeling I'm being hunted for sport
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Finally made it to winter break despite the fact this past week was definitely trying to kill me.
Invisible String will update this weekend (or Monday, we'll see). My anxiety was the worst it's been since starting my new medication and it made doing anything this week utterly impossible. But it's the weekend and I have slept and cuddled my dog and I have nothing else I need to do besides go support my friend at her Christmas market tonight.
I've got art and fic plans and feeling like it's probably time to make an updated fic masterlist.
I need to reread Mrs. Dalloway ahead of teaching it in January, but that's like...a single afternoon activity. And we hired a teacher, and it was the sub who was already there, so me and the other department chair don't have to do *anything*. We've made it.
#sloth speaks#my new medication has made everything better including my anxiety#but even that had nothing on the mess that this week was apparently#i was like rushing from interview to class to interview and being like#why do i feel like i'm being hunted for sport#I came home Wednesday and my partner was like 'we have tickets to this fun thing we do every year tonight'#and I nearly burst into tears#it's not that i didn't want to go but more like...i didn't want to go that night#the overwhelm was real#been a long time since it was that bad#this week was just....unrelenting#and now it's saturday morning and i'm like#oh i'm fine now#personal
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Guys if I pass the fucking finals today I'll finish the charms and draw at least one of the voices before I pass the fuck out for like 16 hours. I want you all to hold me accountable.
#i haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep a night for the past 2 weeks. i feel like i might start seeing the hat man soon#not just because of the finals it's also like. aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i do not want to see my family i feel like I'm gonna#puke my organs out and like i should tear my heart out of my chest with my bare hands i feel like a prey animal thats being hunted for sport#I want to run until my feet bleed and my muscles give out i want to sprint until the asthma makes it physically impossible to breathe#and the lack of oxygen chokes my brain i feel like punching the wall until my bones crack and knuckles break#i feel like a black hole and at the same time I'm too physical i feel like shards are slicing into me
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