#I feel anxiety has been fucking with my head real bad and that I may be a bit depressed

[ukiyowi]

𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐈

Note: These are my observations if it doesn't resonate scroll xx

Masterlist || Tip 🍯

𐂲 I've recently noticed, whatever sign your mars is in and whichever body part that sign rules, can often result in getting accidentally hurt or random in that part. (Example, Mars in gemini = getting hurt on arms/hands, in Capricorn = scalp/knees/teeth, in Aries = head/sometimes cheekbones, etc)

𐂲 One thing I've noticed about Virgo risings is how much they underestimate themselves, they also usually have trouble with anxiety and overthinking

𐂲 Mystic rectangles give a lot of balance to a person but it can also come with multiple internal hardships and conflicts (in forms of insomnia or mental illnesses) and they often need external help to reach their full potential

𐂲 Pluto - Neptune hard aspects especially squares bring into consideration the back and forth between transformation versus illusion, what I mean by that is they have trouble distinguishing patterns in their cycles and may think they're imagining changes rather than believing that it's real (I hope this makes sense I've been trying to word it for the past 5 mins)

𐂲 I know we talk a lot about Leo Risings having great hair but imo Pisces rising have such luscious hair, like they have sm volume and shine to them?? They also look like a waterfall, just flowing, it's so pretty <//3

𐂲 Saturn in 4th/5th/11th house can overshare on the internet about everything going on with their lives

𐂲 Pluto in 6th house feel powerful only when they're working, so they never stop and even when they feel burnt out, they feel their sense of self and self worth is only tied to what they can give, therefore they may face guilt when they try to rest.

𐂲 This is simply a personal observation/theory but I have noticed that people who have a lot of degrees that are higher in number like 20+ often feel more comfortable with people older than them especially if those degrees sit in Pluto or Saturn

𐂲 I've noticed Aries mercuries also have very heavy footsteps, you can hear the thump 😭

𐂲 12th house Pluto are their own best friend and worst enemy, they may enable bad habits for others and justify the same for themselves, HOWEVER once the natives know how to harness the power of Pluto and understand it better, they can be really influential because a lot of people may be subconsciously attracted to the power they possess.

𐂲 Can we talk about Leo risings and how good their self concept is? Like... Please teach me tysm

𐂲 LIBRA PLACEMENTS IN GENERAL HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME WITH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES I'LL CRY- I have a friend with Libra venus and she can never say no to someone especially if she starts liking them :// and it's so hard to see ppl just take advantage of her, I also have friends and relatives with Libra in the big 3 and not only are they complete givers, they also have such a hard time taking, they feel guilty.

✓✓✓ Going to be mean to some of my placements/aspects now

𐂲 Venus conjunct Mars are so fucking clingy but ALSO so flighty🤨🤨choose ??? Do you want to be in this relationship (platonic/romantic) or do you not, stop being so hot and cold (it may help if I tell you both of these are in gemini for me)

𐂲 Chiron - moon placements have mommy issues or wounds related to their mothers/maternal figures in their lives

𐂲 Jupiter virgos can be such doormats at times, just because you want to help people doesn't mean you keep emptying your cup to fill others'.

𐂲 Mercury in 1st have their self worth TIED to their intelligence, like stop flaunting your knowledge, low-key looks insecure.

𐂲 Jupiter opposition Uranus has such rebel without a cause energy, what are you going to "rebel" against now, please sit down for a second

𐂲 Mars Square Ascendant, people with this aspect are always ready to fight, feel like everything is a personal attack, and are terrible at being alone

✓✓✓ Back to your regularly scheduled programme

𐂲 Something I've wanted to say to each stellium I've met so far:

𐂲 Aries: You have a lot of life in you, hand some over🤲🤲🤲, seriously though you guys look at everything with such wonder and curiosity, you're also kinda impatient but that's fine with me :")

𐂲 Sagittarius: You're so cool, I want to be like you, introspective, self aware, your humour is a little concerning at times but you teach me so much all the time, you're the guide I've always wished for

𐂲 Leo: You're a born entertainer and at times I can be a bit envious because of how bright you shine, leaving me in the shadows, but I love you and your love for life regardless, you're a star

𐂲 Gemini: You are so stealthy in everything you do, sometimes you slip through the cracks, a trickster (affectionate), I love how you can be mischievous one second and completely serious the next

𐂲 2nd house: You're just so understanding and make me feel like home, it's like you are home personified, very warm and comforting, also so abundant in everything it's crazy

𐂲 8th house: Stop making me talk about my feelings I'll cry >:(( no but seriously, you guys have something about you that just makes people face what they're avoiding, and you are so good at empathising with them.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

My Hopes For The P2 Changeling Route

Or, just some things I think would be neat to see when the time eventually comes for her route!

1. More of Clara being an emotional mess.

One thing I was REALLY surprised to see in the P1 Changeling route is just how emotionally tormented Clara is. She constantly expresses anxiety, stress, and even what seems to be depression. I mean, she literally has a line where she says she has been crying for several days. She is EXTREMELY distressed and tormented, something that I don’t really see people discuss very often. This emotional state is especially jarring because of how she acts in the Bachelor and Haruspex route, where she’s seen being snarky, cryptic, and kinda bratty. And then to play her route and see just how broken she actually is is very shocking.

P2 Clara is very different from P1 Clara. She’s less childish and more “mature,” though that maturity, at least to me, is very fragile, and you can tell this is a young girl pretending to be and acting like an adult because she has to. She’s way more bossy, way more snarky, and sometimes even comes across as rude (though—and this may just be because I’m a Clara defender until the day I die—I don’t believe she’s trying to be cruel or mean, I just think she has a really bad filter and says things that aren’t appropriate. not that any of those traits are even bad traits that make her a bad character. she is a teenage girl, or at least has the mind and body of one; that’s a very normal way for her to act, and i think it’s strange how some people shit on her because of that, despite her being a very accurate portrayal of a teenage girl—you know, minus the cryptic parts of her. but i digress!). I mean, she literally sasses off Artemy on several occasions, and Artemy is probably double her size, triple her weight, quadruple her strength, and has the power to kick her across the Steppe like a football—that’s the most teenage rebellion thing ever! And I’m sure in the Bachelor route, we’ll see even more of her being fiery and snarky because Daniil and Clara have, like, DOUBLE the beef compared to Artemy and Clara!

To have ALL OF THAT—all of that upturned nose sarcasm, that haughty “I’m smarter than you professionally trained doctors with medical degrees and a proper education” attitude, that bull-headed sassiness that makes you want to tell her to put her proverbial phone on the counter and go to her room—and then to get into the Changeling route and see that she’s actually very, very emotionally damaged and mentally ill would be a stark duality to how we’ve seen her in the past two routes. I think it would be especially surprising to those who never played P1 or at least never got to her route and never witnessed that side of her. The mask (haha) would slip off, and suddenly all of her vulnerability is raw and exposed and throbbing before our very eyes.

Because, at the end of the day, Clara is a child. She is a very young girl with obvious mental health issues and a mountain load of responsibilities chained upon her back, a young girl who is bullied and verbally abused and threatened by basically every single adult she comes in contact with (not you, Lara, you’re the real one), a young girl who has been forced to act like the adult she is not because all the grown ups in her life are too incompetent to do things themselves and would rather put it all on a child like she’s their personal work dog (i understand why this is from a gameplay standpoint, she’s the player character ofc she’s going to go off and do the quests, but Jesus fucking Christ, Maria, why are you repeatedly sending a tiny middle schooler to stop the gay men from killing each other?!), a young girl with one of the most, if not the most tragic and downright cruel existences I have ever seen in a character in all of my years of engaging in fiction.

Ahem.

I just have a lot of feelings about this character, okay?

But with the way Pathologic 2 presents it’s storytelling and with the new gameplay mechanics and how it REALLY digs into where it hurts, if IPL DOES use and revamp this aspect of Clara, I think it would make the Changeling route absolutely incredible story-wise and character-wise. An exquisite emotional rollercoaster that never seems to stop going downhill. It would be the best way to strike players where it aches the most.

OR TLDR: I want Clara’s emotional problems to be brought back and expanded upon in P2 so people can see she’s not just a sassy little gremlin child (because I have a lot of feelings about her character often being reduced to just that by the fandom.)

2. An expansion on Clara being the Sand Pest.

Out of everything on this list, I think this is the most likely to come into fruition because it’s a BIG THING with her. But I still wanted to discuss it anyway because I have Many Thoughts.

So, Clara is the Plague. We know this. But in P1, I feel like it wasn’t addressed as much as it really should have. I mean, this is a GIANT revelation—that this girl is the living embodiment of this horrible disease and thousands of deaths are, technically speaking, her fault—and it’s just kinda…swept under the rug. Clara has a moment where she’s like “WHAT” and then it isn’t brought up that much after that.

(And, for the record, I understand why this is. Everyone knows by now that the Changeling route was rushed. This isn’t me ragging on IPL, especially when the Changeling route is still INCREDIBLY well-done, to the point where I personally believe the statement that it’s rushed has been greatly exaggerated by players.)

In P2, I hope that Clara being the Sand Pest is a much bigger aspect of her character because it really is a Huge Thing that needs to be expanded upon. I want to see her have a full-blown mental collapse over this because you can’t tell me that that’s not the appropriate reaction to finding out you’re a living Plague.

3. Interactions with the Sand Pest

I’m referencing that one particular Executor that shows up in P2 to taunt Artemy about killing his kids. During my run, I referred to it as “Sandy,” so for this portion, the bird is Sandy for simplicity.

So, I want Clara to interact with Sandy!

It was terrifying enough for Artemy to face off against this thing, but imagine being Clara, staring into the glowing eyes of what is essentially herself. And she’s forced to grapple with this thing, fight against the consequences of an existence she never asked for, and be constantly reminded that with every breath she takes, she’s stealing the breath from someone else.

4. More interactions between the three Mistresses

The Clara-Maria-Capella trio is really underrated in my opinion, and I hope we get to see more of those three interacting. Because we have Capella and Maria, who clearly already have this established relationship and actually like or at least respect each other, and then suddenly Clara is there, throwing off their, for lack of better words, vibe. (I just know Capella and Maria gossip about Clara when she isn’t in the Nutshell).

5. More interactions with the Albino

The relationship between Clara and the Albino is so adorable and wholesome, and Clara deserves this inkling of kinship and love that he gives her. It’s such an underrated dynamic and interaction that happens in P1, and I REALLY want to see it happen again in P2.

I hope Clara gets to meet all those Albinos that Artemy saw in the Abattoir. I think it would be cute if she just had this flock of brothers.

6. An expansion on how Clara’s powers can just backfire and kill people on accident instead of healing them

I think there were two people Clara accidentally kills in P1- Lika and that mugger outside of Barley’s lair. It’s not mentioned at all with the mugger, and then with Lika, Clara freaks out briefly and then is like “anyway…”

This “power”—the ability to kill people with a single touch—REALLY needs to be expanded upon. Because it is a GOLDMINE for trauma and guilt. It’s also just something that needs to be explored way more because it’s a really interesting concept that P1 never gave much details about.

7. A deeper look into Clara’s existence as a child of Earth

I just really love that she is a dirt child and think it’s super cool part of her character, and I want her to have a deeper connection to those roots (pun intended). The lore in the game and the Steppe culture is so interesting, and it could be explored way more through the eyes of Clara, who is new to it, whereas Artemy knew most of it and Daniil just doesn’t fucking care to learn.

8. No more “stop the gay men from killing each other” quests

As funny as the concept of this small child stopping two sexually tensive men from beating the shit out of each other is, it got REALLY OLD after the second time. At the very least, the dialogue that you get when you speak to Artemy and Daniil each time should be different every day. If they hadn’t said the same thing Every Single Time, I think I wouldn’t have minded the repetitive quests as much.

9. Bring back the Barbie Blaster

Clara is clearly bigger and a little older than she was in P1, but I hope her hands are still too tiny to hold normal guns because I honestly really liked that little mechanic. It made her different than the other two. Also the baby gun you get is literally the best gun ever, idk what hbomberguy was talking about, that thing NEVER missed for me.

10. This funky healing mechanic I thought about

So, I started wondering about something- how is healing going to work in both the Changeling and Bachelor route? After all, they can’t exactly use tinctures anymore. But given how stupidly hard the game is, I wouldn’t be surprised if it expects you to get actual medicine yourself and make yourself go broke.

I then thought about this funky mechanic! I just wanted to put it here instead of making an entirely different post.

So, instead of using tinctures, Clara uses her hands. There are the three layers, like in the Haruspex route, and depending on which layer is afflicted, Clara suffers some kind of penalty while healing the patient, whether it be hunger, exhaustion, or thirst. This makes it to where she can’t just heal people without any sort of price to pay AND it makes her healing way more important because it really was just referenced in the first game. There were less than a handful of times where she ACTUALLY healed someone (not counting the Plague victims, as that is entirely optional). So with this she ACTUALLY heals people and has a very obvious power.

(Side note: maybe the less health Clara has, the less likely she is to heal people and instead accidentally kill them. Or if she’s infected, then she kills her patient or even infects them—or raises their infection level altogether if they’re already infected.)

11. An expansion on how Clara’s healing powers literally hurt her

Empathic healing, where a person has the power to heal but they heal by essentially absorbing the ailment of a person into their own body, is SUCH a good concept, and I don’t know if this was what IPL was actually going for, but I really want Clara getting hurt when she heals to be a bigger thing in her route. Because she DOES take damage when she heals Plague victims, and MAYBE that’s just a balance thing in the game, but even still! A lot of good game mechanics can come into play if healing harms her!

12. More Lara and Yulia interactions

I don’t have much to say about this, I just really like those two and want them to talk to Clara way more

13. A cool opening animation of her birth from the Earth

Artemy got the train sequence, Daniil is probably gonna get him slogging through the Steppe because it seems like brother really fucking walked all the way to the Town, so it would make a lot of sense for Clara’s opening to be her clawing her way out of the Earth and waking up in the graveyard! I know IPL could make a really cool sequence with that, so I have high hopes.

[juni-ravenhall]

i saw some post about gender bathroom stuff and its so hilarious as a swedish person to read those. i may have said this before already but 99% of bathrooms here are unisex and theyre just actual small bathrooms, not stalls. that makes them generally comfortable and safe, combined with not being something you have to walk into a hidden hallway for... youre not any more vulnerable in there than anywhere else at the place really, bc its not out of the way.

the only places off the top of my head that have gendered stall bathrooms is the airport, ikea, and one of the cinemas. they do exist but its just rarer. all the schools ive been to except 1 had unisex bathrooms without stalls. (outlier was junior high... all bathrooms were trashed and in a bad state regardless of gender afaik, it wasnt a great school. but there were also unisex bathrooms here and there that u could use instead.)

ive never heard anyone complain about these unisex bathroom in my life besides general "that particular location has dirty/broken bathrooms" type thing, which is obvs an issue any sort of bathrooms can have no matter if unisex or gendered.

i feel like ppl who havent experienced normal Actual Room unisex bathrooms dont get that what u need to be mad about is the fact that companies / institutions / government / etc are REFUSING TO SPEND MONEY on building proper Actual Room bathrooms and cutting costs on building shitty stall bathrooms (both on the cost of building separate rooms, the space it requires, and on cleaning and maintaining it etc).

its not that theres anything wrong with this type of unisex bathroom at all. people with money just love to not spend money on useful things for humans if they can instead save that money and be nasty selfish assholes. it should be a given to design safe and comfortable unisex bathrooms that are real rooms in every public building that its possible, even if it costs more than building and maintaining shitty stall bathrooms. i dont respect any dumb fucking rich ppl cutting costs on good things ever.

also, as a person with IBS and stomach issues in general, and who was bullied throughout my life, i feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe when i have to poop or fart in the stall types of bathroom bc its just so open and audible to everyone. which can make me avoid doing that which in turn can create further health problems or stress and anxiety. there are so many reasons why i would hate seeing those stall bathrooms everywhere and as a queer fat person ive never felt comfortable in any gendered bathroom or locker room ever so its always insane seeing ppl say they think those are somehow okay. theyre not okay.

only actual, unisex, single person privacy is acceptable, everything else is a violation of your privacy in order for someone to save money.

[cilil]

🌿 for ask game. thank you!

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Now I may be both a good and bad person to ask about that because I've been inspired and writing almost every day for 2 1/2 years straight now and, while there certainly were unproductive episodes in terms of output or low motivation or stress and anxiety keeping me away from writing itself, I always had inspiration in my head at least; I suppose you could say I've been somewhat "blessed" with keeping this up without putting in real conscious effort. I don't think there's a secret recipe either, but I'll try to give some helpful (?) ideas :)

So a good chunk of this is sadly, or at least I suspect it might be so, dependent on how prone to hyperfixation and how attached to an individual thing you are on a personal level. Speaking for myself, I'm the kind of person who always has their "one main thing" and sticks with it for several years at least (I was tenacious enough to spend 5 years doing my own thing in a dead fandom) and slowly digs deeper and deeper as time goes on. Others may change interests more frequently, be in several fandoms at once or experience greater fluctuations with high and low creativity. That leads us to my first point: Know who you are and work with that, don't try to be anyone else.

The second thing I think is important is to find a good balance between trying to be reliable and finish your stuff and give yourself some space to do whatever you feel like and fuck around. You may have heard creativity being compared to a river before and it's true: Too much human interference - for example straightening a river - can impact the environment around it negatively, and too much scheduling and deadlines and forcing yourself to be creative will impact your creativity negatively. Make sure you have the space to at least occasionally do what comes to mind. You should be working on project A, but you're feeling project B? Work on B for a while. The muses are moody.

Another thing that may seem a little contradictory at first, but I think is helpful: Keep at it. If you do whatever is your creative thing regularly, it's less of a "big deal" and threshold to cross every time, it becomes natural and a comforting part of your routine. For writers, drabble challenges and prompt events are examples for good tools to ensure you write at least semi-regularly. But again, please don't feel like you have to force yourself to create every single day, especially if you're someone who experiences periods of little to no creative energy. That's fine. Let yourself recharge. We're all different (in general what works for me doesn't have to work for everyone else).

Now if you do find yourself in a bit of a creative slump or lose passion for a project you used to enjoy a lot, here are some things you can try:

Take a break and do something else. Scratch a different itch. Have fun!

Put yourself in the right mood/mindset by looking for media that evokes the feelings/vibes needed for your project (note that this will work better for people who are highly sensitive or otherwise react/connect to media on an emotional level more strongly). Examples: A playlist, a specific song you associate with your work, a movie/book/game/etc that inspired you, artwork of a character

Talk about it with someone else. Be excited together. Ask for advice if needed. Or just talk through whatever block you have; you may not even consciously realize it, but just to have someone listening will help with explaining the situation to both them and yourself and clearing it up

Write a project list (I recommend either a spreadsheet or a handwritten one). Sometimes the crux with a project is simply all the disorganized noise around it and you begin to feel anxious which causes writer's block and/or kills your creativity. Writing a list can clear that up, make you feel more calm and collected and show you a clear way forward. Note: This applies to other situations in life too. Try it and I promise things will become easier to handle

That's all I can think of right now. Again I can't promise any of this is "the secret sauce, but maybe some of it can help someone :)

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[lightningandfireinmybones]

whaddub giiiirls! Live from my desk, hunched back like Quasimodo, full of mildly cold orange juice because it's been out of the fridge for a while and with the A/C on because my house feels like the basement of hell, I AM BACK WITH MY AEMOND THOTS!

um... long post... im so sorry, i dont think read more works for asks i had promised you them and now that i am in a good -relatively speaking- place with my assignments, I am back with the ch. 7 thoughts.

Aemond learned how to swallow past the emotion clogging his throat, to operate with his heart outside his body.

it's not just the breakup that made him operate this way unfortunatelly. Aemond in every universe is doomed to be the second and capable son of an unworthy father, too preoccupied with his losses to appreciate the people around him. I must once again restate the general consensus that the green kids were the exact thing that Viserys prayed for and still his hubris (however valid the reason behind his self inflicted grief may be) blinded him.

Aemond grew up knowing that he is the only one on his side, him and the very few people who do love him yet are unable to do much since they hold no real power to help protect him.

It made him colder, meaner, smarter, sharper. 

whatever doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally. Hey i know this girl, Valaena, the two of them would hit it right off!

It was an explosion he’d throw himself into repeatedly for the privilege of having her hurt him. 

him and Val are the same person, the same trauma except in different font and just expressed in an opposite manner. but the trumatized basis is there. Aemond may have had the control in their relationship and between the two of them however when it came to himself he really didnt have any control? like..

their relationship wasnt bad because of their dynamic but because of the Quality of said dynamic. Many people overeat or skip meals but not everyone has an eating disorder, if that makes sense. Their relationship was in that first stage i feel doomed from the start because the reason why thei came into it wasn't all there? I will elaborate more on this further down bellow if it isn't clear what i mean by this.

The anxiety that wracked her little form melted away, the pressure in his own head relieved by the way she gave in to him completely.

Their relationship at that point, I feel like, was not a partnership exactly? they were both too into their heads about this, too preoccupied with their trauma and with using each other as a balm, as an escape and as a way to make everything fall into the background that to an extent is was a quite selfish relationship? There was Love, undeniaably, passion, a bit of obsession, posessiveness, but that was more as an expression of each other's internal fear and anxiety towards their life rather than a well communicated and healthy thing. (i am still unsure as to whether or not i am expaining myself accurately)

Then, she’d left and taken the sunshine with her.

the way this must have hurt? this would have devastated him. not only to lose your lover, the girl you are in love with, the person you practically live with but also to be deprived of your main support person, your ride or die. We saw the exact same thing with Val. She knows all this which is why she is so terribly guilt ridden. she went through the same - if i may use the word- violent emotionally breakup. not physically violent but deffinitely violating.

like a new wound, a raw and infected one unable to heal.

In the two weeks since she escaped him, time has congealed into a meaningless mass of rage and fear and anticipation and something else. Something that tasted like satisfaction, like Valaena was finally fighting back, clawing her way back to him.

i can't imagine how complicated all those emotions must be for him. he isn't used to analysing them really, or voicing them even to himself. But the relief of at least having her back is palpable.

it must feel like the first drops of rain after a harsh devastating drought. My emotions how dare you Autumn?

Time was cruel, but not as cruel as Aemond is going to be when he gets ahold of Valaena again. // Valaena was playing with fire and he intended to burn her for it. // If either of them survived long enough to get there.

get her ass. sickos everywhere rejoice, you were meant to burn together except not in a self destructive way because ilysm and you both deserve the world so may the embers of your love grow into a warm flame of love

 Anything less than perfection was failure.

Aemond babe, i know right? i keep telling my therapist but she wont agree with me

“She’s in Dorne and safe,” Aemond clips out, returning to his files.

i love how the word he goes for is Safe because that's what it comes down to. it's not she's having fun, she's taking her time, she's enjoying herself. it's she is S A F E . because that's his greatest fear at this point. that something will go wrong, that he will lose her, that she will be hurt. not just bc of the Cannibal but previously as well bc of herself and her disregard for her own well being.

The agonizing peace he must feel knowing that she is doing well, is trying to get sober, and is just in a serene and safe place working on herself and getting some well earned rest... my loves!

[...] a cloud of incredibly expensive perfume taking him back to being eight years old, clutching one leg, Valaena on the other, Luke on her back.

i love the way you write his relationship with Rhaenyra. i hate how the show never bothered to show us the relationship of the siblings because bad blood or no, the very first years before Rhae had any kids it's more than normal to assume she liked her siblings and played around with them. I love how you show that and may your period cramps remain forever a thing of the past for including this.

the big sister vibes who isn't just a big sister close in age that you can curse at and be a bit cunty towards and give as good as you take. Instead the older sister who is a mature person, who acts a bit like a motherly figure, as a wise friendly more experienced person. And especially here it's not like he can hide from her.

Rhaenyra too fucked her uncle but also like... babes... you and Val haven't exactly ever been subtle about each other. Especially Aemond is as tactful as an elephant dancing on thin ice when it comes to his feelings for Val, and Val in general. Mr Unhinged Feral Hungry Simp

“You think she’s coming back to me?” Aemond can’t stop the words, a rare vulnerability, a chink in his impenetrable armor.

A PRECIOUS BABY

Laughing softly, Rhaenyra cups his scarred cheek. // [...] just presses a soft palm against his skin and gives him the benefit of the doubt. 

Give Aemond his regular tactile affection 2024! explicitly do NOT make it sexual. that man needs the everyday, unassuming, familiar display of love in this manner. fucking like crazy doesn't mean this man isn't touch starved and that's a hill i will doom myself and my entire bloodline upon. HE NEEDS THE SOFTNESS. imagine not having the warm and comforting touch of your mother, everytime she sees you she is retraumatized by your trauma. how would that make a small child feel? a child who cannot differenciate between the nuanced feelings of adults and his own confusion and fear and guilt over his perceived faults.

AEMOND MY BELOVED

Running yourself into the ground won’t do anything. You need to get it together, too. Fix yourself, let her fix herself, then maybe you two can work on fixing whatever is left between you two. Make sure you’re both worthy.”

nothing but facts. they need to be 100% into their own selves, they need to be in control of themselves and their emotions and not go around like emotionally damaged half life zombies. they won't be able to find peace and happiness with each other until they start feeling good about themselves. until they stop hating who they are and stop self crucifying themselves

He’s spent his whole life working to deserve her and she’d left anyway. As much as he loved Valaena, would worship the ground she walked on, he knew she had her own demons.

firstly, OUCH OH GOD FUCKED ME UP OH JEEZ GOOD LORD UGH. Aemond beloved, loving someone and having them love you back has nothing to do with "deserving" the other in this sense. there's no point past which you can say one is enough and appropriate for another, or a list to check things off of. my heart hurts for this

but also that last line.. dang but that's such an important thing for him to realize. because yes, she does have her own trauma to sort out and so does he. and that isn't a bad thing or anything. it's just him realizing that she doesn need space to do her own thing and i LOVE how this comes right after his thoughts of not deserving her. like... they both exist as individuals long before they can be only in reference to one another.

that's such a big thing for him to realise and he does it so casually after this one talk with Rhaenyra i love him so much you dont understand!

That Valaena has her reasons for doing things, even if he doesn’t understand them now.

YES KING EXACTLY!!!!! it will ALL be okay! trust! you just need to heal first (first on their own and then together as one solid unit)

Maybe he’d lost himself in it a little, too. Maybe part of him had always been missing, lost in duty and responsibility foisted upon him.

yes baby he just keeps on giving and giving yes Aemond!

Back when they’d been together, he’d laughed freer. He’d taken joy in things, in riding and live music and his education. He chafed under his father’s thumb, but he’d been more himself. 

exactly!!! i love these two lines so much bestie you don't understand!

he'd been more himself! he had his support, he had a person to confide in, to share the burden with and to have them lean on him too! he could help her, communicate with her, share her love and their days together, show affection and be familiar with someone! once they get back to it relieved from their use of their relationship as an unhealthy coping mechanism they will be so happy! and they will deserve it too! no more guilt ridden Valaena, no more fear of the future from her, no more unclear boundaries and no more anxiety ridden Aemond.

your honour i just need them to chill together and vibe ya know

For Valaena, wasn’t it worth confronting himself? Even if the thought of opening up to a therapist makes him want to skin a man alive, he can do it for her.

for her but also for himself. confronting oneself is hard work and tough work. i love him so much you dont understand

skipping a few paragraphs, the Cannibal has some balls but also an extreme lack of self preservation instincts. Bless Dalton i guess? Who also needs to learn how not to try and get himself killed. he.. i... Sir?!

You are going to talk to Aemond Targaryen like THAT about HIS NIECE and expect what? you did this for what? no no i'll wait.. go ahead.. name the reasons... dang

Your niece is a right freak in bed. Such a fucking slut [etc. etc.]

girl you done lost your mind. fare thee well

When Dalton dies, Aemond wants to do it slowly, precisely, with privacy to make him suffer.

you know what.. he earned this one. but also he kinda deserved it too. like... bless Dalton fr fr . oh to be there and see the shock in Aemond's eye. the sheer "!!!!" in his face, ya know? The man was too stunned to speak, for like a milisecond

Aemond sighs, adjusting his eye patch, eyes roving over the crowd to make sure the Cannibal hasn’t circled back now that Dalton is out of the way. “She’s okay?”

IM IN YOUR WALLS YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!! IM ALSO IN THE TRENCHES BUT TRUST I AM IN YOUR WALLS!!!

She looks at him like she sees through him and is not impressed with what she finds.

FUCK HIM UP MOMM- Help him heal Doctor. (i want to see her deontologically and ethically STEP ON HIM during therapy. make that boy see sense and heal his trauma girl)

Gods, she was beautiful. She was beautiful and she was insane and she was going to destroy him.

i can see him looking at her with a devastated, helpless, burning look, already sex drunk even though he hasn't even let himself take permission to touch her yet (that evening!! because trust that man is delulu, babe there's no modesty to be saved you are both HORNY MONSTERS). simp! aemond is top tier aemond

His niece (gods! His fucking niece, who he’d already crossed so many lines with) 

Aemond is also in your walls, screaming, crying, throwing up

Just him. It was just him and his niece in this cabin, snow picking up outside the rattling windows.

i love how he thinks of her as his niece yet. not allowing himself to use her name, resisting to the familiarity of it, insisting upon her title to keep himself in check

“You had to run away from school to a cabin with only one bed and no cell service with a blizzard on the horizon?” Aemond asks as he follows her to the bedroom if only to distract himself from the way her ass jiggles beneath the thin protection of the silk.  She’d run away to this cabin and had packed that nightgown. Valaena was a menace. 

KILL HIM!! GET THAT FATALITY!! RUUIIIN THAT MAN VAL! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

i will combust when we found out the full extent of their past

Candles are on nearly every available surface, dripping fat hot drops of wax on expensive furniture. 

waxplay when?

she shrugs, leaning back onto her elbows. It throws her chest forward, a practiced move.

serving CUNT!! before she serves the actual- oh you know what, i wont be crass. she is a baddie tho and that i Will mention (RIP Alyssa Targaryen you would have LLLOOOVED your great grandaughter. also Saera Targaryen, you would have appreciated her as well)

“Eyepatch too,” she instructs, a molten heat in her eyes that can only spell trouble. He complies, sliding into the king-size bed.

i am FERAL. hide nothing from each other!!!

“Don’t,” Aemond grits, grabbing her wrist before she can trace his scar.

She smiles beatifically at him, tightening the thigh she has draped over him. “It’s just cuddling, Kepus.”

oh she.... evil woman... she's evil... most definitely!!!!!

he's been calling her niece in his mind and she goes and does THAT! what a serve

 I will never be just your uncle again. I will never let you go. I will consume you.” The little siren sighs, shifting so she can wrap her legs around Aemond’s waist. “Big talk for a virgin.”

i- no comment..... she threw him on the ground and she keeps on kicking him, she won't let him have a moment.

“Why would I want gentle when I can have you as you are?”

girl bye... im done commenting.

[...] Shall we see if we can get you a third?”

i lied.

In that lavender haze of her eyes, he sees a future. He sees chaos and eternity and a purpose. He sees what she needs.

valaemond brainrot until the universe freezes over

“You called me a slut,” Valaena mumbles, her nose sharp on his collarbone. He takes the opportunity to press a kiss to the top of her head. He huffs a laugh, brushing hair away from her face. “And I think you liked it.” A sharp grin, showing off her canines. “Thank you.”

“The only responsibility I care about is you, Valaena. I think about you all day. Has Valaena eaten? Has she drunk enough water? Is she wearing thigh highs or stockings today? Did Valaena laugh today? Is she happy, taken care of? Will being with me make it better or worse?”

make it stop i've had enough!!! stop stop stop STOP!!!!!!

I love him so much. i am indeed chewing glass because even if he doesn't fully realise it, or calls it as such, he is so down bad for her. so in love... so... i.. i need to know when it really started. when he realized Oh Shit.. this isn;t just going to go away. the care he has for her??? and to know that despite all that love they still had to break up even if it was for the better? to know that THIS is what was in line? that THIS is what they're making their way back to? what they are both striving for? my heart

“Because I want to be with you, too. I choose you, Aemond. I’ll always choose you.”

and soon enough Aemond will truly feel that in his bones and understand it and will be able to find this solid thing, this dependable thing inside of him that will KNOW he deserves and has earned that love freely given just as Valaena will with the love freely given from Aemond.

you killed me dead bestie fr.

im so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you with this but i was getting my ass handed to me by Uni.

the newest chapter was amazing as well! we're all so glad to have you bag from your vacation, you deserved all that time away and the new scenery after these past months. i hope you're doing amazing and if you are still abit sick i hope you feel better and get well soon (iirc you were a bit under the weather, or was that during your time away?)

in any case! what an amazing work same as always. soft drunk off the recond free aemond in the newest chapter was also amazing. im assuming some time has passed between his therapy session and him arriving in Dorne?

“Don’t,” Aemond closes his eye, burrowing deeper into the pillow the way he used to do to her bare chest. “Don’t give me softness you’ll regret tomorrow.” “I won’t regret it,” Valaena whispers, propping herself up on her elbow to look down at him.  “Prove it,” Aemond orders imperiously, eye still closed.

prove it. prove you wont hate yourself or feel uncomfortable for the affection you showed me, for bringing me back into your life despite maybe not being sure you want me there. Prove you are okay with me, prove we are good, or at least we are better with each other. and she does...

even if he wont remember tomorrow she tells him about that one night where everything really hit her and it all came crushing down, unravelling from that point foreward. their time together was really uncomfortable to read. you managed to portray Val's freakout excellently because myself reading this... it made me feel lowkey triggered just like her. it felt like being suffocated, like being pushed down and unable to move and escape. and the worst part for her was that the only person who could make her feel better was the person who freaked her out.

i understand how to Aemond it may have been nothing but honestly... reading from her pov it was Just TOO Much, just the way i believe you intended it to be. i love val, she.. i just get exactly where she is coming from.

and i have to say Val is one of my favourite characters Period. she is exactly what you meant for her. a flawed, sometimes making mistakes but mostly trying yer best and failing as well as succeeding. i think she is an incredibly strong female character exactly because of this. you can only be brave when you are scared. and that's exactly what she does. she fumbles, she avoids, she is harmful to herself but she always deals with the situation, she always strives to make it work and works hard to earn that.

incredible work bestie from the bottom of my heart. <3

BESTIE

IVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS FOR FAR TOO LONG trying to stop kicking my feet and blushing and form a coherent response,,, the brain cells aren’t braincelling but I can’t keep reading this to myself every morning lmao it needs to be shared

THE TRAGEDY OF AEMOND,,, being viserys’ foil, building himself into something worthy for those that will never see it and appreciate it the right way

And Valaena,,, cursed to be always aching for something she can’t have, drowning in the legacy she fear and respects

I 10000% get what you’re saying and thank god I aimed for it!! Their relationship during the early years is the right person, wrong time, as neither of them had the emotional fortitude or strength to hold themselves up

They solely held each other up with no thought or concern for their own emotional/psychological structural integrity

And that weakness was only revealed when they ripped away their support beams from each other, leaving just the internal rot and negligence they’d put into themselves

So they have to heal themselves first!! And while aemond might not be able to admit it and say that, he recognizes that for the first step it is, when Valaena starts working on herself actively and with intention to do better

BUT HE IS ALSO A SICKO SO HE WILL NEVER ACTUALLY LET GO!! AN OBSESSED KING

But above all else, Valaena

And her safety first, mentally and physically and emotionally

I AM A SUCKER FOR SIBLING BONDS AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE RHAENYRA GIVES UP ON THEM SO EASILY

and we come back to aemond and Valaena having to learn to exist outside of each other before they can exist together!!! Aemond rediscovering joy and Valaena rediscovering herself!!

THEY NEED TO HEAL!!!! AND THEY ARE!!! HEALING AND COMING BACK TOGETHER!!!

And vixen Valaena had to make an appearance eventually! Scandalizing poor virgin aemond!!!

I’m too dead to write a more eloquent response like this deserves but I want to say thank you!!

I cannot express the depth of how grateful I am you took the time and effort to write a thesis on valaemond!! It humbles me and brings me such joy and happiness to see you like Valaena and can think this much about my passion brainrot project!!!

[what-if-nct]

hiiii today's reminder is no more sadness, I've decided to deal with my end-of-the-year blues with blanket denial. we don't need any more personal growth this year, we're good, I'm just gonna spend the next couple weeks fully ignoring everything bad and then whatever consequences there may be can go fuck themselves until next year. this is healthy and i refuse to hear otherwise

… also i wasn't in the headspace to think about it at all yesterday, but 🥋 anon, you are loved and valued, and i really hope you're doing ok

Hii, Honey, Honey the best thing you can do is deny and practice delusion, reality be damned. Nothing's real. Ignore reality the only things that are real is what you want to be real. Also this is Lowkey law of assumption. Assuming you already have the life and things you want. Is it a healthy mindset? Maybe, Maybe not. But Deny reality and you only feel good things. See I'm a Pisces moon this is how my brain works, head in the clouds always. But of course practice all things with safety. A safe good amount of delusion and denial isn't going to hurt.

Now saying this in a room full of kpop fans is dangerous. But I will say. As long as you're just having fun and not being weird, be delusional. Maybe not like me where I cried cause I got Hyunjin in member boyfriend based on zodiac sign video and it was the first one. But I was having a bad day and imma blame my hormones for that. But say your bias is your boyfriend all you want. But don't fight other fans with the same bias. Also don't end up hating the members their shipped with that's been happening a lot and it's weird. I personally detest shipping as a concept. Like that's like his brother. But yeah just don't be weird and you're good. Also Felix wants you to be delusional. Like this boy after getting his bubble I feel like I'm in a committed relationship with him. He spams so much and I love it. It's overwhelming to wake up to but he's so cute.

Case in point be delusional and deny reality. It's why I can walk around dressing the way I want like I genuinely believe no one can actually see me. Plus like my nearby mall everyone has bright hair and dresses alternative. Even at Target. So that's helped ignore everyone else. Though I feel like I'd really be afraid to go to like Japan and Korea. It's not even on my list of countries I want to go. I want to go to Ireland, England and Australia. Like I'm a plus size black woman who dresses like a slutty Barbie. My anxiety wouldn't allow me to fathom going to Japan or Korea. And no I will not tone down my attire. I'm too stubborn to change who I am just to be accepted somewhere.

[needfulfrights]

“Dark Places” by Gillian Flynn: A Review

Goddamn do I love an awful bitch of a protagonist! There’s just something about “bad women” in books that hooks me instantly, even if I don’t really “like” the character themselves, I still adore reading about them and their fucked-up selves. Some sort of weird catharsis, maybe? Whatever the reason for my dubious devotion to twisted fictional women and what makes them tick, Gillian Flynn hasn't let me down to date; in fact, Dark Place’s Libby Day may be my favorite of Flynn's horrible heroines.

 Libby Day is a sad, angry woman with no family. Well, that’s not quite true. Libby’s family consists of her cat Buck, an estranged aunt, and oh, her brother, Ben who is currently in prison (and has been since he was a teenager) for the murder of the rest of the Day family when Libby was just a small girl. And it was young Libby’s testimony that sealed Ben’s fate.

 Now “Little Libby” is all grown up and in her early 30’s. The money she’s lived off of up until now, donations from well-wishers after her family’s murders, has all but dried up. And so, Libby needs some cash. Now. Or else she’ll have to get an actual job. This conundrum eventually finds her meeting Lyle, head of the “Kill Club,” a group of people obsessed with true crime. For Lyle, his grisly obsession is not focused solely on murders of the Day family, but of Ben Day’s innocence. Such an obsession that Lyle offers to pay Libby to talk with people from her past who were involved with the murders in order to help clear Ben’s name and find the true killer. What starts off as a purely financial pursuit soon finds Libby in a desperate hunt for answers, no longer just for the money, but to help Libby find her own sense of closure about that bloody night, and the person it shaped her into.

 The plot of the story kept me engaged the whole way through. I liked that different plot points and character moments were weaved in so masterfully by Flynn that when the truth about the murders of the Day family finally was revealed it felt well-earned and carefully thought out. Flynn laid down the trail of crumbs to a delightful buffet of an ending that more than satisfied me as a reader.

 However, as I’ve found with the Flynn’s other two novels, while the plot may be engaging and well thought out, it’s her character writing that elevates the whole thing from “great” to “amazing!” All the characters, whether I loved them or loathed them, were interesting to read about and felt authentic. From awkward but oddly charming Lyle, to mean (and sad) as hell Diondra, there wasn’t really a single character in the book that I don’t think added something to the novel.

 I found Libby to be a very compelling protagonist, strangely likeable in her own way, though I would hate to meet anyone like her in real life. A chronic liar and thief (among other things), Libby still managed to win me over through her moments of grudging vulnerability and kindness she shows to others, especially the friendship she builds with Lyle, though I appreciate that she never quite loses her overall acerbic personality. Which is another topic I thought was captured quite well: Libby Day is an extremely damaged person. She has been through some of the most terrible shit anyone could ever go through, never mind going through it as a child. She sleeps with the lights on, she lashes out at others, she holds people at arm’s length. It doesn’t paint a pretty picture of a trauma survivor, but I felt it painted one of the more truthful portrayals I’ve seen.

 The other standout character for me was Libby’s mother Patty. I could feel Patty’s anxiety and hopelessness through the pages. I wanted to hug her, wanted to help her, all while knowing she ended up dead, and then somehow even more devastated for her once the “how” and “who” of the murders were revealed.

 As for Ben…. ah, Ben. Whenever I got to a “Ben” chapter I just kept flipping back and  forth between two thoughts: “Jesus Christ kid, quite being such a pushover” and “Jesus Christ can someone help this poor boy?” I admittedly didn’t like Ben as a person, but I did find him an interesting character. I don’t hate that he was an annoying teenage boy, but the whole sad sack, “woe is me” thing did get old by the end of the book. I kept hoping that he would eventually stand up for himself, start asserting himself, or that someone would come and you know, help this clearly struggling child; but by the end of the novel, even with Ben being a grown adult he still just lets things happen to and around him by other, which I guess is kind of the point of Ben’s character, but it was still frustrating.

 Overall, I really enjoyed the time that I spent with Day family during my time reading Dark Places. I would place it right in the middle of Gillian Flynn’s three works, with Sharp Objects being number one and Gone Girl as my least favorite (still a great book! I’m sorry Amazing Amy!) Whatever urgency the plot may lack by knowing the fate of the Day family from the beginning is more than made up for by the delightfully disturbing cast of characters that Flynn has put to paper.

Rating: 4.25/5

[blondrichclosetwitch]

“It’s a movie.”

I told that boy(L), “We gotta keep it low, leave me the room key"

On that Demon Time, she might start a OnlyFans

Big B and that B stand for blondrichclosetwitch

“If you wanna see some real ass, baby, here's your chance.”

put you up on this game

new york cares.

Christ Consciousness

Why made me behave that way?

My name is Tommy and I became aware this year

Cause when love is gone, there's always justice

And when justice is gone, there's always force

And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi Mom!

I feel like our ship's going down tonight

Age Of Anxiety

Dad built the labyrinth and we were born in it

You will wake and walk and draw the blind and feel some presence there behind and turn to see what that may be

Well babe its me

Oh no, you've put your finger on it

Stand up, sit down, hands up, break down

I'm feelin' all my fuckin' feelings

I'd get out of my way

You're out singing songs, and I'm down shouting names at the flickerless screen, going fucking insane

You try to deafen me

Ben stars in all my wars and more

They tell the same story so much, they start to believe it

Wonder how I got this way?

The show must go on

If I could see you

Then I wouldn't have to scream your name atop of every roof in the city

(Looking at kurdt’s picture)” so what do you want? Married/buried?

What else should I write?

Just that?

What else should I write? Quotes?

OHHHHHHH”

Secret——so sorry that I forgot.

“These should never be discussed here, so keep it to yourself.”*

But your books don't say much about living your life like a thief

Yeah we've handcuffed and chained

We play games and play them out slowly

Chained to my lover as she's chained to me

(Also, candle witchcraft I’m guessing: it reminds me of something from 2017:

when I went to the church for service kinda hysterical because fake Stella told me the Devil was in her, and that now he also had control of God…and this sweet woman who was always kind to me said she was sure that wasn’t true because God was omnipotent. And that was probably the day that I started to question what I was being told.

Oh yeah—how does that tie in? Because I don’t believe your candlework can measure up to God.)

Forgive. Notice the numbers on this are my lifepath, the lovers card (6) and Ace of Swords(55).

I want you to notice my anger's all but done and all I've known is madness

Satellites ahead, so hold on

Pretend to be you when I'm high

Tbh, I’m not sure about bad bunny since my Spanish sucks but I think it’s: the time has come to start reasoning before it’s too late

“Well, you gotta see this.”

Horse heads that I dance around in (there was a horse head “costume” left on driggs that I assumed was to freak me out, but that’s how paranoia works best)

Coked up anorexics

Got a tree and this golden thing

What a Fool I've been (not my punctuation)

And how the cracks begin to show

Heartbreaks plus the tapes, now you all in the lectures being studied by the college's professors

Going to leave this brokedown palace

river gonna take me

Mama, many worlds I’ve come since I first left home

And if truth be told, it's scary

And I can't tell which ones are mine and which I created

I’ll leave you if you let me*

You know the monkey

“We know there’s a price to pay.”

Funny how you said it was the end, yeah

Music is your only friend until the end

We’re getting tired of hanging around

[dancingafterdark]

this is more a reminder to myself that i’m throwing out into the void than anything that i intend to be inspirational, a thinly-veiled vent, if you will:

sometimes i can’t help but feel guilty that i’m falling behind on all my creative projects — my writing, my art, whether it be fandom-related or personal, and i think that’s both to do with general burnout and this grind culture that makes it hard to keep up if you don’t dedicate yourself to staying at top at all times.

then i have stop, take a breather, and put it into perspective a bit: no, i can’t keep up — burnout is a real thing that will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and i am a full-time student already struggling to get by each day with untreated ON and only one mostly functional eye, on top of my other health conditions and stressors. but that doesn’t mean the passion won’t die out entirely, not when my head is constantly set to burst with ideas new and old: i have been working on a novel for over ten years now. somedays, my interest will wane and for a time — after i had been working on my manuscript exclusively for months for my creative writing seminar — i exited out of the doc didn’t touch it for almost an entire year. i was exhausted and even glancing at a project that i had once poured hours into, meticulously crafting my plots and characters i still hold near and dear to my heart, intimidated me more than speaking in front of a full house — and my anxiety gets so bad that sometimes opening my email spurs panic attacks. it’s not like i hated writing now, i was just tired; so i gave myself a much needed break for as long as my brain deemed necessary and redirected my energy towards new projects — new stories, new hyperfixations, new toy boxes to play with. i’ve recently returned to that manuscript and revisiting all my darling has never felt more refreshing, although i’ve been spreading my attention across different projects as opposed to focusing all my attention on one core idea until i wring myself dry so that i don’t repeat my mistakes.

don’t feel guilty if you can’t keep up, me, because you can’t — sometimes you lose that spark, sometimes you have to prioritize your physical and mental well-being — but that’s okay because you have all the time in the world. what’s the fucking rush, me? you are not a machine, you are not pumping out a product on an assembly line; you are creating because it makes you happy, and what you create, no matter how niche, will make someone, somewhere, happy too — for a time — and even if that someone loses interest in what you create because they too are not a mindless sycophant that exists only to consume, that doesn’t mean that love never existed or is gone forever.

so what’s the fucking rush, me? go take a nap, eat some food, drink more water, go for the walk you so desperately need, pet your cat, do some chores, finish that assignment. your shit isn’t going anywhere, it’ll still be there when you return, however long that may take, i promise.

[nathank77]

9/5/24

9:12 p.m- Added to 9:30 p.m/ Added to again at 10 p.m

I mean I think he wants to disappear on me and I'm making it difficult for him. I want to believe he is a good person and something not so bad happened but he couldn't make it. And he is recovering but if nothing happened he had me sit there for 30 minutes during which time he purposely ignored me and let me sit there while I was worried about him.

I actually looked at obituaries bc I'd like to believe he is a good person but I doubt it at this point.

I guess I'll try to find another therapist. I won't talk to them about Kristen bc it may be the reason the new ones disappear.... and I won't mention my hallucination bc I mean that could be a reason too. I won't talk to them about microsleep. I won't talk to them about anything. My dogs. My anxiety.

I won't open up. Then why would they abandon me? I mean I won't have much to talk about. I'll just talk about ocd and barely talk. Cause I mean being open isn't working.

Mike I'm almost positive doesn't want to deal with me. I mean he brought up mania bc of white mulberries... and I fought him bc I'm not fucking manic. I didn't yell at him but I brought up 500 facts about why I'm not. And he at the end of the appt was like okay you aren't manic.

Idk I just need therapy at this point bc I need to stay on disability to stay alive.. I need real therapy but therapists don't want to deal with the real me I mean it is what it is.

I feel like he is either trying to stick a label on me that truly doesn't fit. Or he wants to make me mad. If he has been listening I'm so not manic. You could prove I have ptsd. I mean a voice comes from ptsd but the ptsd is from the voice and microsleep.

If I can accept i have psychosis, why can't I accept that I'm maniac? Wouldn't that be better? I mean label wise??? I am not maniac. That's the thing. I'm not reckless. I'm not anything like a maniac person. I don't suffer from mania. I'm not even depressed. Sure I get really fucking sad cause my life sucks but! I also spent a lot of time gaming and doing things I love. I'm so motivated to find all the collectibles and figure out the whole resident evil 7 game.

I want to 100% the achievements and do all the dlcs. I also want to get resident evil 8 and do all the same.

Beyond that I want to play resident evil one. I own it already and I'm excited it's like silent hill with the controls and puzzles...

I mean I have motivation. I have pleasure doing things I love. I want to go to the gym but I can't afford it and I'm not reckless so I'm not getting a gym membership.

If I was truly maniac I could accept it bc I can accept that I virtually have schizophrenia for christ sake. I'm not indenial.... the shoe doesn't fit.

I have ptsd. I have psychosis or schizophrenia if that's what you want to call it but it's psychosis bc the voice got lower.

I mean if the shoe fit for mania I'd accept it but it DOESN'T. So this is why I argue back. White mulberries don't have a LD50 per several research studies... but either way we butt heads and it annoys him that I don't roll over.

I'm not getting assigned a label that is incorrect. He doesn't even believe psychosis is real. But it is. The voice gave me ptsd. Now I have ptsd from the voice and microsleep.

I am not hypomanic.

If I could get my hdcp bypasser to work I'd be super excited to work on my shattered memories Playlists for alternate ending guides. I'd be super excited to work on my sh2 greatest hits alternate ending guides.

I don't match the symptoms. The label doesn't fit cause I truly am not manic. And I'm sorry but im going to butt heads with you about that label bc it's wrong.

Label me with what I have: psychosis, ptsd, panic attacks and anxiety thats my true diagnoses.

Anyways look at how fucking much fun I had playing re7. I'm already on my second playthrough half way through with half the collectibles and I'm fucking loving it.

I want to buy them all but most of them aren't first person which is the only off putting thing for me. But moral of the story is if you try to label me I'll fight you with facts.

If he said you have psychosis ld say ummm yes I do. If he said you have ptsd I'd say yes i do. If he said I think the voice became apart of your ptsd I'd say maybe. Cause it's not impossible but that's not how it started. It started with psychosis.

If he said i have schizophrenia I'd fight it bc I don't have visuals which is a hallmark and i have no negative symptoms. I just suffer from auditory and tactile. It's 1000% psychosis.

And ptsd induced by psychosis and microsleep. I tried to sleep I wasn't up all day playing vjdeo games cleaning the house and running errands I laid there for hours 20 hours a day trying to the sleep. The remaining 4 hours I used the bathroom and cooked food. I showered and then tried to sleep.

I don't have mania of course I'm going to buttheads with him about it.

[tartarus0d01]

Visions and Premonitions

Heylooo. Since I have the displeasure of encountering visions or premonitions, I decided to make a post about these experiences. This is mostly from my observations, but maybe you can take something from my garbled post. Feel free to add to it too!

So… here we go! Mario voice

What are Visions or Premonitions?

I'm sure you've heard of them like in your favorite movies since the topic tends to make a good horror story. Basically, it's when somebody allegedly has a prediction of the future– oftentimes in the form of an image or dream. Hearing a voice tell you "xyz is about to happen" or something of the sort is also a thing. Intuition is another good word for it.

The thing is, people are already naturally "intuitive". We call those, "gut feelings".

What are gut feelings?

You know what it is… that feeling in your gut. "I've got a bad feeling about this." Something feels "off" but you don't know what it is.

The cool thing about this is that your brain can subconsciously pick up things happening in your environment without you even knowing it. Animals have this too, just with far better sense. Git gud. /j

But then, what makes visions so scary? Well, it's when you have visions of scenes that are sudden, as in, nothing in your environment is even slightly hinting at the idea of [insert event here] (as well as near-death experiences, but that's another topic for another time). That's where the mysticism comes in and it's scenarios like these that I personally believe in or that I find harder to explain. Don't worry my fellow anxiety sufferers, I'll get to the dark shit in the moment.

I keep having dreams/feelings about [xyz event]! What's happening?

Before I get to the spooky-scary portion of premonitions, we have to first think very VERY rationally. Because 9/10… this alleged event may not even happen at all.

I mentioned "gut feelings", so it's important to look at your surroundings and see if this "surprise event" is truly a surprise– or that maybe it's an idea that's been hovering around in your head for a while. But there's more.

Anxiety: This goes hand-in-hand with gut feelings. In fact, you're anxiety is known to fuck up your gut feelings. Are you anxious about something? If so, that's gonna make shit 10 million times harder to differentiate between reality and dream, let me tell you. lol.

Psychosis and Paranoia: Anxiety can cause psychosis and your psychosis can come in the form of your anxieties. Generally, psychotic (and delusional) episodes are understood to be "nonsensical" or "beyond the realm of possibility". But you can have hallucinations or thoughts that might be a little bit too real. Another thing to get checked for, if possible.

Symbolism: They say dreams can have meanings. I don't always mean it in a spiritual sense though. It's believed that the reason why your brain dreams is that your brain is trying to sift through various memories, events, and even trying to solve problems ("sleep on it"). Regardless of your beliefs about dreaming, it's important to see if there's any underlying thought or recent event that your brain is trying to decipher or understand.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy or "You die as you live": To me, these aren't really visions but are just consequences of your actions. Biologically, people can know very well that they're going to die. If you are sick or do hard drugs, I think it only makes sense to feel like something terrible is about to happen. If you work a dangerous job or are a daredevil, this naturally increases the risk of a catastrophe to occur.

An example would be Paul Walker ("Fast and Furious" movies, RIP) who said that he would die in a car and he did. But that's also because the man loved cars so… depending on how much he spent his life behind the wheel or in a car, it would make sense for that unfortunate event to occur because of probability.

Granted, you still don't know if dangerous events are going to happen like 100% of the time. But I'm sure you'll agree that certain lifestyles can increase your risk of a certain end. That's how it goes for everyone.

At the same time, to help those who are one step closer to a panic attack, just because you think it doesn't mean it'll happen either. Anxiety is a killer though, be it mentally and/or physically. So please, reach out and get some help.

Well, I thought about it, but the visions persist. Whatever I'm seeing feels like it's going to happen. What do I do now?

Now the spooky-scary moment we've all been waiting for. Well, I bet you're hoping for some kind of cure or way to prevent this horrible vision from becoming true, huh? 

I'm glad you're here then, because I'm happy to say: No, there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

insert applause here

Don't ask me what the point of having visions is. For myself, maybe it's to keep me moving forward. But what's set in stone is set in stone. Run away from it all you want, maybe even try trading places with that person in your vision. But we all know what's going to happen. Life finds a way, and so does death. This isn't "That's So Raven". /ref

Yet, I'm speaking in the darkest context. Death isn't always biological. Sometimes it's mental or spiritual. Sometimes it's a break-up or a job loss. For our ability to have straight-up horrific and vivid dreams of destruction and death, the dream might actually represent some other thing that won't send you to the grave at all. Hell, that dream of you crashing in a car accident? Turns out, your partner just wanted to marry you.

Regardless of the circumstances, it's very unlikely that you'll be able to prevent change, even if the change is negative.

So what can you do if you truly feel like something bad is about to happen?

- Ask yourself, "How do I feel about this?" Are you scared, happy, sad, or angry? Can you pin-point the exact cause of these images or feelings?

- Praying or asking for clarification might help, but I find that these methods don't do much. Probably because the god's or whatever you believe in have chosen this path for you so there's not much else you can do except hold on. You'll probably get an answer that you already know.

- You can try to protect yourself. Even within inevitability, there might be a silver lining. It's not good to not get caught up in the mess though. Do what you can, but remember, that's about all you can really do.

- And lastly, it is what it is. There's not much else to say quite honestly. Welcome to basic living... lol. I guess I would be remiss to ignore the stories of people jumping in and saving the day because of their intuitions. I feel like these stories are rarer than the premonitions themselves, though.

Luckily for most, situations like these are apparently rare– more so if in regards to actual catastrophic events or death. That's why we don't trust evangelicals when they "predict" the end times– nobody can, not even you or me. Not only did it say that in the bible, but that's the reality of things. Anybody who says that they can predict your future is a con and misinterprets what it means to actually have visions or an intuition.

Everything's got to give, but as far as the details are concerned, you'll never truly know what to expect. So be well and take good care of yourselves.

– Tune in next time for when I talk about those little funky scrunklys (ghosts and shadow people) living in your home! –

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[narafeedee]

I’ve been forced to do the big think tonight and I need to put words somewhere before I rip my hair out. This is a stream of consciousness and may be a little unhinged; proceed with caution. It’s also incredibly long and whiny lol

Today has been really really weird and not necessarily bad? but I’ve had to contend with triggers and emotional responses I haven’t experienced in a long time. I have a wild amount of grace and compassion with myself nowadays, so I don’t see this as a negative but moreso a chance to further heal and make sense of my world and how I experience it.

I can’t speak to planetary alignment, but this is the time of year that Seasonal Affective Disorder usually becomes problematic. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my aggravation is a product of the sun not doing the shiny thing so much anymore. Couple that with how I struggle with anxiety regardless of season, it’s a perfect stew of ick.

For the last couple months I’ve been struggling to feel like I have a place in feedism at this point in my life. Obviously this isn’t something I just turn off; I’m hardwired like this. It has nothing to do with the sexuality itself, but rather the limitations the sexuality places in your life when you fully engage with it.

I don’t keep feedism as a secret; if someone asks or brings it up, I’ll happily tell them all about it. Most people they know me in the real world either explicitly know, or they at least have some idea and I just haven’t confirmed it yet. I had to kill the shame several years ago, and it took more introspection and healing than I ever thought possible. My sexuality isn’t shameful, I’m proud to be who I am, and having this community has played a large (heh) role in me ultimately finding happiness and a life worth living.

But it sure is limiting. I have yet to find anyone who wants what I want in life as a whole. Much of that is self-imposed; I play a great fantasy role. I’m a feeder’s dream girl by design, and that’s been a really fun part to play for a really long time, but it’s misleading when it comes down to making long-term connections.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I want the standard trappings of domesticity. I don’t need a white picket fence and a nuclear family, but there are things in the world outside of feedism that I want, that are limited by my participation in the fetish. I want marriage. I do want to start a family. I want to be able to raise my kids and run around in the yard and explore nature and catch fireflies in the summertime. I want to live a full and happy life and grow old with the people I love. But I struggle with the thought that feedism can’t exist in the life I want, and it really fucks me up.

I’m tired of being told that there are “Feabie success stories” or whatever the fuck. I don’t feel like I can be open and honest about these parts of my life there, or really anywhere, but hidden under a readmore is about as close to comfort as I think I’ll get.

It feels like a losing battle; I know I’ve mentioned all this before but I don’t feel like I explained as well as I could have. This has been ruminating for a couple years now, and has really reared its ugly head since the start of summer.

I think I’m doing a lot of black and white thinking here - something I struggle with still, just not to the degree I used to - and it’s to my detriment. I’ve been really good at practicing mindfulness to mitigate it, but something like this sometimes eludes rationality.

Ultimately there are two ways I see this going:

1) I meet a non-feedist person who is perfect in almost every way. We align on all the major things we want in life - marriage, family, parenting, financial freedom, politics, hobbies, etc - except feedism. They fulfill me in every way but sexually.

2) I pursue sexual fulfillment in feedism and make compromises on my other aspirations. I’m terrified to find a really great feedist partner some day, only for us to be misaligned with the other things we want in life. One of us has to compromise; they’re no longer sexually satisfied when I l*** w***** to have the healthiest possible pregancy, or I’m not going to have the family I want. It’s worse if they check off most of the boxes but not all. The #1 thing I want in life is a family. That’s my dealbreaker. I’m scared that the years will continue to fly by and I’ll age out of my opportunity to have this. Or my health will become too bad to have children. That is my biggest fear in life and that really hurts to admit and realize while typing in real time, holy shit.

This is why I don’t like to poke holes in things. Ignoring these things makes it easier to cope with the reality of my situation, it feels bleak. This is starting to feel like the posts that are like “I’m so lonely I’ll never have a feeder/e partner wahhhhh” type shit I see on Feabs all the time. It’s way more nuanced than that. I’m just brain dumping at this point.

I’ve expressed this frustration with friends and family recently, and the “oh you’ll find your person, don’t give up”s really sting. Most of them don’t understand the depth of pain that comes from finding your person, marrying your person, and then them leaving you. Funny enough, I joke about it often but that’s clearly a coping mechanism, much of the split was due to our sexual incompatibility. Yay, feedism.

Jokes aside, the divorce affected me far more than I let on. Even if he wasn’t my person - clearly he wasn’t - something changed in me that day. I honestly haven’t been the same since. I am genuinely happy that we are no longer together - that part doesn’t hurt anymore. But the deepest abandonment wounds I have were triggered, and I became reclusive and angry so I could heal. I regret a lot of what happened in the year following the divorce - I sincerely do. The few things I’m happy about - moving somewhere new, putting most of my energy into work and attaining financial stability, focusing on enjoying the world around me - are sometimes overshadowed by the things I hate. I hate how I’ve treated people, I hate how my interpersonal relationships have suffered, I hate how much of my suffering was self-imposed.

But I’ve found far more healing than I bargained for in the last year. Hell, the last six months have been a trip. Realizing I’ve found peace and pleasure in my quiet, routine life… that was unexpected. I have found peace, but right now I’m shaking in my boots over feeling left behind. I mentioned it on the Orange Hellsite, but the last of my childhood friends got married last weekend. That’s also been a huge trigger for all of this. Yesterday was the anniversary of my husband leaving me. It was the best day of my life two years ago. It was… something, this time around. I’m definitely overthinking things (this shit is almost 1400 words at this point jfc) but I haven’t had the opportunity to really actually talk to someone in a long time. I’ve been internalizing all of this; this has been cathartic.

Sorry if you read all that. There’s no intelligent ending to this. I’ve had a really weird week this week and I’m finally getting time off the next couple days, so I’m going to focus on doing things that make me happy and taking care of business. Tomorrow’s going to be great 💛

[dream-to-be-frog]

small things i adore about dil dhadakne do:

how farah picked ayesha to dance with and how in scenes they are both in they genuinely get along and seem to talk and enjoy each other’s presence....

the way they seem like real people..... when ayesha asks for a divorce her voice starts off hushed and choked..... when she tells her family she doesn’t want to be with manav anymore (the first time, on accident) she walks out and her freakout walking seems natural.. like i walk like that when i am sick and anxious after an outburst....

the sibling interactions are actually SO GOOD... when kabir is laying on ayesha’s bed and steals her ice cream just to mess with her and in gallan goodiyan when they hook arms and are just being silly goofy together without it seeming weird or forced or weirdly sexual between sibling banter (a trend that fills me with fear and makes me want to puke) and how they support each other, especially against their parents

the couples all have like. really good chemistry. (noorie and rana we see less of but they’re genuinely cute too.) like sunny and ayesha have so much shit they haven’t even discussed but are so very obviously in love with each other. like how farah and kabir are in such a new relationship but everything kind of clicks for them but the arguments and fights seem natural for how new it is while also showing their closeness.

the way all of the family is shown to have problems... kabir is an ass businessman and doesn’t know what he wants out of life besides that it is not this...... ayesha hates her marriage and can barely stand her husband and has so many unresolved feelings for sunny...... neelam kind of sucks but i DO feel bad about how awful it must have been to know your husband was cheating on you but not be socially or financially in a place or society to leave him and how that makes her binge eat....... how kamal definitely sucks but he has anxiety and shit... like i may not like the parents but at times i can sympathize and they are both very human even in their badness... anyway y’all all therapy please my fucking god

the FRIENDSHIPS.... you can tell even in limited interactions how much kabir and noorie love each other, how close sunny and ayesha used to be, how well ayesha and divya get along even though they probably don’t see each other so often despite being cousins, how divya and rana and noorie are all friends now,

they have some really fucking good dialogue.... once again it flows very naturally and this is a very repressed group of people so whenever something comes to the surface they have to make sure it’s done right and it always is... the ayesha and sunny arguments are always so real sounding.. yo

the way that ayesha followed farah out when the fake noorie news came out... BESTFRIENDISM

kabir holding sunny’s entire head and saying seriously into his eyes: “i love you” (and then running off yelling “ayesha is getting a divorce” so true bestie)

kabir jumping off the fucking cruise ship like booboo the fool and sunny yelling right before he jumps “NO NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT” LMFAOOOOOO

mixed feelings on priyanka chopra as a person but she is SO BEAUTIFUL THIS WHOLE MOVIE her outfits her makeup her hair flawless i am so gay

the way that when kamal goes to attack the ship people to get a lifeboat all his friends are like okay i guess we are holding these random authority men down despite yelling at his son who he is trying to save like 3 minutes ago

neelu saying let me come with you! if not now then when! and the way ayesha fuckin’ dives under that man’s arm right as sunny comes barrelling towards him trying to help her get past and him asking are you okay. listen this whole scene is so good

“sunny? mera intezaar karoge?” “HAMESHA KE LIYE”

how this scene doesn’t wrap the movie TOO perfectly? it’s like: they are all trying to do better, but they are still working on it, and there are a lot of things they’ll need to learn to communicate through and work on together but maybe things can be okay

[lupically]

#F40B32 | RYOMEN SUKUNA.

genre | light fluff, light angst, very faint romance undertone 

word count | 2616

warning | mention of death, mention of injury, mention of killing, decapitation 

note | i just wanted to try my hand at writing for a villain that is obviously irredeemable in a semi-realistic way.

what happens when you are irredeemable? you will fall in love anyway.

but ryomen sukuna wasn't in love with you. after all, he had killed you one too few times to claim that he was in love with you.

the first time he killed you was out of instinct. you were an intruder touching his soul the way mahito did, except you barged in without any malicious intention. he had gazed over your fallen body with mild interest then; a mere mortal, yet you emerged from thin air into his locked tight domain without dying?

the second time he killed you was a choice. he gave you not a minute to explain yourself, even though you had wasted the minute asking questions about his identity and the skull-filled area instead of giving him any valuable information about yourself. he had been fed up, he was never a man of patience, so he killed you with a wave of his hand and returned to his dull life alone on his throne.

the third time he killed you—he did not kill you. there was no third time; people liked to say the third time's charm but sukuna believed no such superstition. he killed you twice already and each time, you came back unscathed, both your body and your memories. whether he liked it or not, killing you for the third time would do neither you nor him any benefit, so he kept you alive.

you were afraid of him. he could tell, and he meant for things to be that way until he realized it served as a misfortune on his part. in order to understand this mystery—your sudden appearance into his domain, as well as your inability to leave it and his inability to kick you out—he has to gain some piece of information about you, but you were too shaken up from being murdered to talk to him at all.

sukuna's patience was reaching a breaking point and he thought about torturing it out of you, but he understood that humans are fragile, way more fragile than your typical jujutsu sorcerer. he could accidentally kill you and you would return with no scars and more unwilling to converse with him than before. then it was the waiting game all over again.

he wasn't planning on going through such a dull ordeal again, so he left you be and waited for you to calm yourself down.

the first time you talked to him, you asked him a question.

"are you going to kill me?" you asked him.

sukuna peered down at you from his throne. small, frightened, curled into a ball with no desire to touch the skeletons at his feet, but you looked up at him out of politeness.

he scoffed, displeased. "no, but i always can."

the second time you talked to him, it was to exchange a brief introduction.

"ryomen sukuna," he hummed curtly then he nudged his chin toward you. "your turn."

you shuffled up to your knees and sat down on your heels. your fingers fidgetted at your lap as you timidly peered up at his tattooed, disinterested expression.

"[full name]," you said with a nod, unable to meet his eyes. "nice–nice to meet you, sukuna-san..."

the third time you talked to him, you flinched.

"ma–may i ask you two questions... if i can...?" you asked, for the first time standing up to face him directly.

sukuna leaned away from his propped-up arm. after taking a better look at you, accessing your figure analytically despite having seen you move around slowly for days already, he shoved his hands into the sleeves of his robe and he suddenly jumped down from his throne to stand before you.

you pursed your lips nervously over his looming figure, face heating up with terrible anxiety while your eyes darted down to the watery ground. oh, his presence has been so overwhelmingly deadly that you forgot your white tennis shoes were stained red and your pastel ankle socks remained wet. you did not dare to complain, not even in your head.

"i'll allow it," he said.

"where am i?" you quickly asked.

"an innate domain," he replied.

you have questions, but you decided not to ask. you only nodded after breathing out a soft sigh to calm your nerves. this man constantly sounded condescending, he was kicking open your comfort zone without actively doing anything that would make you uncomfortable.

"okay..." you said, "thank you."

"aren't you going to ask me another question?" he stated with a raise of his brow. "you wanted to ask me two questions."

you gulped, blinking hopelessly at the air as a grimace appeared on your face. "the first question was if i can ask you two questions, and the second one is about where i am... so that makes two."

oh, a meticulously cautious one, and somewhat humorous too he would give you that. sukuna scoffed loudly, but it was less out of annoyance and more out of disbelief of your incredible dullness. however, as plain as you were, he has grown accustomed to your presence; the scent of fear that bounced off of you and the fact that he cannot kill you at will.

"you must be dying to know what this place is, are you not, you brat?" sukuna asked.

when he saw the flashes in your eyes, he knew he had you down through and through. all you were was but someone who was too afraid to say what they want, which was just as he expected from you. you wouldn't cause him trouble, you never could.

reaching his hand out of his sleeve, he stayed silent despite seeing the way you flinched with your eyes shut at his raised hand. his movement had been slow, but that was an involuntary response, an instinct that he didn't craft into you. he wondered what it was.

"you can ask me three more questions," he said as he pushed the heel of his palm against the curve of your head. he was gentle at first, then he clamped his hand down on your head as he bent his waist to meet your eyes. he laughed. "i'll allow it."

he could keep you here. he has no choice but to keep you here, and he would kill you once he realized he has the ability to. but for now, perhaps he could act a little civil, something like a human being but one that people would hate to the core.

except he was met with a little obstacle in the way, which was that you were no bad company.

the first time sukuna gained a liking toward you was when you asked him a peculiar question.

"sukuna-san," you called one time when there was only silence within the innate domain.

you sat on a bed of skulls, one that you tentatively asked the king of curses to make you so you wouldn't have to lean on the rib-cage structure and sit in water for slumber.

he denied it at first. calling you names and threatening you about ever requesting something from him—a bed in his domain? fucking atrocious. but your insomnia was killing you; you hated the blood water and your neck burned whenever you wake up having it arched at the worst angle possible.

he did not grow soft. he just made one so he didn't have to watch you sleep in his peripheral vision.

"hmm."

"why do you think curses exist?"

he raised a brow at you. "did i not teach you that before?"

"you did, sorry," you nodded, "then do you believe in god?"

"where the fuck is this coming from, you brat?"

"from where i came, god is good. but from what i am seeing, whether from where i came from or here, everything goes against that value," you muttered loudly as you pulled at your fingers. "cursed spirits harm people. if i can argue that way, i think cursed spirits are harmful within themselves."

"if god is good, and god is real, why would this happen," you said. "why should we feel negative emotions? why do we have the ability to create cursed spirits? why do curses like you exist?"

he furrowed his brows in irritation. have you reduced him to mere curses? have you reduced him to nothing but a brainless being that only takes joy in the suffering of others? no matter how he approached your words, he felt infuriated that you could minimize his importance to simply being a bad person.

he was much more than a bad person, much more than just a pain! he has ideals, he has goals and ambitions, he has wit and strength! he has anger and malevolence and power beyond which your soul could ever contain and endure! he was ryomen sukuna, the strongest curse in a thousand years and more!

he will fucking kill you.

"i'm really glad you're here, though," you finished off softly, an unknowing smile on your face as you rubbed your thumbs weakly together.

he will kill you.

"for a long time, i was told my anger and hatred aren't real. that they don't and should not exist, and i learned to bury them to the ground so they never appear on the surface again," you said, your innocent smile audible to his ears and making his chest twitch with guilt.

"cursed spirits' existence is proof that my negative emotions are real. they may be a problem, but i am not crazy for having them because they're here. they became something, they're here and alive."

he will... he will kill you.

"i just think it's unfair to put the blame on cursed spirits and cursed energy alone when the society's standard guarantees the manifestation of them," you said. "if my anger got out to the world in the form of a monster and it hurt someone, i'll forgive it. i will forgive myself."

he...

"you don't need to hear this, i wish i had your confidence, but i have to say it," you looked up and smiled at him, "i'm a little glad you're here, sukuna-san."

he will kill–he will ki–

the second time, he went stoic.

mahito was too smart for his own good. the first thing he noticed when he entered the soul within yuji's body was the way sukuna has the collar of your shirt clutched in his hand and your body pulled close to his side. it was a glance, he had one small glimpse of you both before he was kicked out of the domain.

your face was riddled with tears—crying, disappointed, and frustrated, but why? for the transfigured human whose name mahito almost forgot, or because sukuna just had one of the most sadistic outbursts you have ever witnessed.

and sukuna, the king, the lord, the almighty—didn't he look annoyed. well, not annoyed, per se. angry, mad, overwhelmed, knowing, protective. very, very, very protective; glowing eyes that glared at mahito's patched up face, fingers that gripped at your shirt so tightly he could rip the fabric apart, an aura that was ready to spit any moment if mahito so much as reach a finger toward your direction.

you meant something to ryomen sukuna. mahito realized that, so the second time he entered the innate domain, he killed you.

right before his eyes, with a cunning and triumphant smile, your neck cracked and your skin broke, and mahito tore your head off just before he was once again beat out of the domain.

sukuna tried to heal you. he tried to seal your head back to your lifeless body, time and time again pushing your decapitated head against your haphazardly cut neck. but his reverse curse technique wasn't healing you. your skin refused to piece itself back together, you refused to come back to him. time passed and he was getting mad, he was going batshit crazy trying to force himself out of this body.

bastard! bastard! bastard! he was supposed to kill you! he was supposed to be the one to kill you! he would murder that patch-faced piece of shit! he would kill mahito! and he would destroy the whole world, light it on fire and kill all that wasn't worthy of his time! he would jump universes, light-years, the bloodstream of the galaxy to find you and bring you back to him. he would—

"sukuna-san, i'm sorry i took a while! i thought you were fighting–holy shit, is that me?"

the third time, sukuna admitted to himself.

"what kind of flowers do you like, sukuna-san?" you asked, voice drowsy and your legs dangling after you climbed on one of the bones of the rib-cage structure.

"why does it matter?" he asked from his throne, eyeing you carefully.

your were a clumsy idiot. you could fall anytime.

"it doesn't, but it's flowers," you mumbled with your chin leaning against the bone, eyes threatening to close. "sukuna... sukuna..."

"what?" he snapped.

"i like lilies, the red ones," you said with a silly grin. "will you visit me when i die? sukuna... will you bring... mmm... bring red lilies..."

he looked ahead. your death; your grave, decorated with red lilies, protected and preserved with his curses. your death—he gritted his teeth. he refused to think about it. it was a waste of time.

or maybe he simply hated the idea of your death.

sukuna has not gone soft. he was irredeemable; a killer, a curse, a tragedy to descend upon mankind. he was not good and he never would be, nor did he ever have the intention to be good.

still, from you, there was proof that he could be more. what was left of his being; his anger and his torture, what was left within the gaps of his hell, the rare softness that once was there, belonged to you now.

you were the vessel that pocketed all that he could potentially become if he wasn't born to be ryomen sukuna, a version of him that you have witnessed. within you, there was proof that he did not only exist to hurt people, but also to validate madness and pain, to acknowledge passion in its murderous wakefulness. within you, there was proof that within himself, there are pieces of what it means to be human and alive.

hearing your soft breath, sukuna looked up to find you asleep with your head against the bone. your arms barely supported your weight and you were threatening to fall off as you dozed with faint snores. he stared at you, his fingers twitching, then he finally waved his hand so he could bring you away from the ribcage and to where he sat.

he paid no mind to subtlety when he set you on his lap. his hand supported your back while he kept your head pressed against his shoulder. his other arm went around your body, preventing you from falling off the throne made only for him to sit on. when he was done adjusting to the new sitting position, he relaxed.

brushing the hair away from your face, he stared down at you with disinterest, but his heart pumped and pumped for you to be warm and well, his arms tightened for you to sleep soundly.

"i will bring you all the red lilies you want," he whispered, the back of his finger gliding past your soft cheek. you did not smell like fear when you fall asleep, you did not smell like fear now even when you looked at him. "i will allow myself that."

after all, ryomen sukuna was only fond of you. very, very fond of you.