#I dont mind the gynecologist thing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whatifyoulivelikethat · 2 years ago

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Please review anon's warnings before continuing.

note: I am not a mental health professional. I'm not aware of every aspect of your life. I may say something that isn't applicable in your situation. And, finally, reminder that I too am a human being with a past. Be respectful and mindful of that.

tw: su*c*de, sh, bad body image

hi wiyllt

im tired. exhausted. drained. i feel crazy and obsessive. i got my academic results a few days ago and wow i havent cried like that in forever. in forEVER. i bawled, lowkey wailed about them. the worst part is theyre objectively really fucking good marks. 96% is not a joke. i am just so disappointed in myself for them. worst part is school's plastered the toppers faces up LITERALLY every corridor, completely forgetting the fact that there was a student who committed su*c*de just two weeks ago, after failing their exams.

ive been so depressed its affecting everything. i feel everything in every way possible. i feel doomed with my friendships, with my relationship, my future, everything. i hate myself like this. last month i got back into my sh habit and everythings going downhill so fast. i want to feel okay again. bad body image has been plaguing my mind and ive been binging on food since last month. ive been crying so much and been just such a mess in school and at home. i am so fuckign depressed i dont even know at this point.

did i mention i havent gotten my period in twenty fucking days.

I'm going to address this bottom to top.

Your period is affected by many things, both physical and mental health. My period is always late when I'm stressed. When I was at the height of my depression, my period came about every 40 days. I thought I was lucky. No. I was fucked up. Your body pours its finite resources for what it perceives as a threat first before going back to its usual routine programming. Sometimes your cycle jumps even when you're perfectly healthy. In nature, there will be outliers and that applies to ovulation too. Just happens. Track your cycle and see a gynecologist if there is a pattern.

To break your self-harm habit, you must remove your tools from your presence. They must be thrown away or difficult to get to. The first step to breaking a habit is making it not easy to do. The second is redirection, preferably to a healthier place such as creation. But I'm not an idiot and I know it is human to simply just pick a differemt self-destructive habit. Believe me, there are many ways to hurt yourself and ruin your life. You must draw a line at this. Do not cross it. Every time you want to do it, write down every reason you want to do it. Burn, rip, mangle the paper. Destroy it until it's unreadable. Keep writing. You better have millions of reasons and none of them will ever justify you doing something like that to yourself. None. Remember this next time and every time you want to do it thereafter.

Yeah, I'm telling you to give up. This, specifically.

Yes, you will still make bad decisions. Yes, life is still gonna suck ass. Yes, you will treat yourself like shit in other ways.

I did.

I don't know anyone who can just stop being depressed. You won't suddenly become a born-again human unaffected by their past (idk, maybe you're an alien, not sure how their biology works, I'll do some probing and report back). Even now I catch myself in moments where I slip back into old habits and thought processes.

You are responsible for yourself. You are responsibile for the bad choices you have made and will make. I know that is not fun. That is not what we want to do. Hell, I have no idea if a certified therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist will agree with me on this, but I'm gonna give it to you straight - the one who has to deal with the consequences of what you do is you.

I spent a lot of time blaming anything and everything, especially life for dealing me shit cards. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for two decades of emotional and physical abuse. But I did what I did. I did fucked up shit. Things will fall apart. You will cry and bleed trying to put it all back together and it might be in vain. You will wonder, when does it get better?

It gets better when you take a moment and ask yourself, "What do I want?"

Not, what are the impossible expectations I have for myself right now? Not, what does everyone else want me to be? Not, here's all the things that are wrong with me and reasons I cannot achieve anything of substance or value. Shut those up for a second. You said, "i want to feel okay again." You can't feel how you felt in the past and anyway, by now, you've glamorized it to something better than it was. Plus, "to feel okay" is a bit vague. Also it kinda gives off meh energy (sorry, but it kinda does). You need something specific.

"I want to repair my relationship with (insert here)."

This can be anything. People, food, school, etc, but you need to focus on one thing at a time. You need to prioritize what it is that is most important to you right now. Don't set a bar for where you want to be at a certain time. Only focus on improvement. Some things may fall to the wayside and that's okay. You can't do everything. When you feel like you're in a good place with one thing, move on to something else. Go back and check on it periodically and search for minor improvements.

It sounds nice, but it might not look pretty while you're doing it. Life is life. There will be setbacks. Every situation, aak yourself, "What is the best version of myself I can be right now?" Not what was or will be, but right now. That might be something great or that might be getting into bed and going to sleep. Sometimes it be like that. Do one more thing than you would if you were feeling just a teensy bit better.

"I'm going to bed instead of studying, but I will set up my desk so it's ready for me in the morning."

"I'll eat one less today. I'm still gonna eat it."

"I'm gonna cry right now. I'll do something about it after. But first I'm gonna cry."

Little by little decision, you can more forward to a place you are more satisfied with. There will always be hardships. Always. But you can control how you react to them and how you deal with them. It might feel like you can't but that's because you need to direct your focus on specifics - what you can do rather than what is out of your control. To be the best version of yourself is to actively understand that you will not always make the perfect decision. It gets better. It gets worse. You are a different person each time. You learn from your past. Do the best that you can right now. Prioritize yourself. Live this life as if there is only one.

Time doesn't come back.

Be mindful of the past and the future, but don't forget to live right now. You'll miss important stuff.

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swiss-cheeze · 4 years ago

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Tick-Tock, Hook’s Afraid of an Ordinary Clock! || Spencer Reid

Requested: YES/NO: gender neutral please! So my request. Y/n has been working at the BAU for a while, and never ever had feelings for Spencer but more for Derek. One night is spent at a hotel and Spencer gets wasted as all hell which the team found unusual. That’s really all! Do with that what you will! Smut is fine too! You can add your own personal touches if you wish. Also would love some fighting between Spencer and y/n

Gender: none, they/them.

Warnings: insults, alcohol, normal CM case talk, verbal fight dialogue taken from Hook (1991), crap music talk.

----

“Eat your heart out, you crinkled, wrinkled fat bag,” you mumbled under your breath as Spencer finished his rambling of some unknown subject. Spencer stiffened at your insult, as did the rest of the team. You had just gotten back from a pretty bad case involving a team of family annihilators and where sitting in the nearest bar; throughout the whole case Spencer had almost made it his mission to speak over you, correct you, flick things at you, ‘forget’ you’re there, bump into you and more. God it was so annoying, and now? Now you've had enough.

“That was very ill-mannered-” Spencer started.

“And you're a slug-eating worm,” you said with a little more force matter-of-factly, cutting off whatever it was Spencer was going to say.

“You can do better than that pretty boy!” Derek said quickly with a grin as he nudged Spencer; you almost pounced on that man for taking Spencer's side rather than yours; Derek had always taken your side.

“You're encouraging this?” Spencer questioned quickly.

“Show me your fastball, dust brain!” you started again, “you paunchy, sag-bottomed puke pot!” Spencer's eyes widened three times the size they normally would be as the rest of your table sat quiet and watched.

“Damn!” Emily said under her breath with a grin as her eyes darted between the two of you; it was like watching tennis.

“You're a very poor role model for your team, you know that right?” Spencer shook his as he took a mouthful of his drink before a sly grin overtook his face, “I bet you don't even have a fourth-grade reading level,” a few of your teammates let out a little blow of air.

“Hemorrhoidal sucknavel” you said quickly.

“Maybe a fifth-grade reading level.” Spencer said even quicker.

“Oil-dripping, beef-fart-sniffing bubble butt” you started to really get into it, leaning over the table a little with a smirk.

“Aye there we go (Y/n)!” Derek said quickly, now he was on your side? You looked to Hotch who was smiling thinking that maybe you had another on your side.

“Someone has a severe caca mouth, you know that?” Spencer cut off your gaze with his words, as if he was bored.

“You’re a fart factory. A slug-slime sack of rat guts and cat vomit, a cheesy scab picked pimple-squeezing finger bandage!” snickering came over the table; but you weren't done yet oh no, “a week-old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side!” you grinned; many many words in that one insult. Spencer went to open his mouth but you cut him off, “you’re really just a substitute chemistry teacher” you winked.

“Come on Spence, hit (Y/n) back!” J.J. quickly intervened.

“Mung tongue” Spencer fired.

“Math tutor,”

“Pinhead,”

“Mother lover,” that one was a low blow on your end but you couldn't help yourself.

“Nearsighted gynecologist,” ouch Spence, Hotch snorted at that one.

“In your face, camelcake!” you shot back.

“In your rear, cow derrière!” of course Spencer came back even faster.

“Lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig!” Emily snickered at yours.

“Lewd, crude bag of pre-chewed food!” Derek snickered at Spencers.

“Guys maybe settle down…” Hotch said softly, this was starting to get a little out of hand.

“You man! Stupid, stupid man!” That was all you could give back as your mind turned blank, forgetting every word in the dictionary.

“If I'm a maggot burger, why don't you just eat me?” Spencer shot back, “you zebra-headed, slime-coated, pimple-farming, paramecium brain, munching on your own mucus, suffering from Spencer Reid envy!” laughter ensued as your face contorted to confusion.

“What the hell is a ‘paramecium’?” your voice held the question as Spencer pointed to you.

“I'll tell you what a paramecium is! You’re a paramecium!” everyone on your table stared at Spencer as he elaborated; “It's a one-celled critter with no brain that can't think!” and with that, your table cheered for Spencer as you sat sulking.

“Oh come on (Y/n), you should have known you would lose,” Derek said with a grin before following Spencer to the bar.

“He's drinking a lot tonight isn't he?” Emily questioned.

“Who, Derek?” J.J. guessed with a furrowed brow.

“No! Spencer!” Emily quickly concluded.

“He was a little harsh on (Y/n)” Hotch cut in quickly, “I’m just glad Dave and Garcia weren’t here to witness that,” you slammed your drink on the table and sent a glare to the three left at the table.

“I'm going home, i'll see everyone on monday,” you grumbled out before stalking off, your shoes made loud thunking sounds as they hit the wood flooring, your anger getting the best of you as you passed Spencer and Derek.

“Yo (Y/n) you getting a drink too?” Derek was about to order your normal drink until you slapped both Spencer and Derek on the back of the head.

“OW! What the hell-!” Spencer's back was to you but as he turned and saw you his anger melted into elation, “come back for round 2 (Y/n)?” Spencer questioned, the poor boy tried to act cool and lean against the bar but missed entirely and almost fell onto a rather burly looking gentleman. You huffed slightly as you turned to Derek.

“Make sure the substitute chem teacher gets home safe,” and with that you threw open the bar doors and walked your way home, it was only a block and you had gotten a ride with Emily anyway.

When you finally slumped home, chucked off your shoes and threw yourself onto your mattress you couldn't help but make yourself angrier with the new insults suddenly bubbling in your head.

“Who does that piss brain even think he is,” you mumbled into the air, “paramecium my ass…” you continued your grumbling into the atmosphere as you twisted and turned on the mattress before sleep finally engulfed you.

------

The work week started up again and before you knew it yourself and the team where needed in New Orleans because of a new range of sudden murders.

“Lets review please,” Hotch mumbled.

“The bodies cross gender and racial lines” Rossi started.

“The throat is slit with something very sharp but also clean, I get a funny feeling it isnt a kitchen knife though,” you mumbled as you looked at the photos closer trying to get a good angle on a printed piece of paper.

“Butcher?” Derek questioned, you shrugged.

“Could these be blitz attacks?” you heard Spencer scoff at your suggestion.

“If this was a blitz attack there would be remorse and blunt force trauma somewhere on the head,” Spencer said looking directly at you.

“Oh, i'm so sorry Doctor i didn't know my input was unwanted, let me just keep my thoughts to myself,”

“Guys,” J.J. sighed, “Garcia is going through the victims lives that we have already, I can talk to the family and see if there are any enemies?” Hotch nodded.

“Derek, I want you to join J.J. with the families. Rossi, Emily go to the M.E. together and have a look over the bodies and tox screens. (L/n), Reid and I will go to the police station and start on a geographical and victim board,” everyone nodded in agreement to what Hotch said. Except for Spencer. He just stared at you with dangerous eyes. You rolled yours in return before putting your headphones into your phone and playing music to drown out Spencer's overbearingly loud thoughts.

“Okay my lovelies, these first three victims all had the same job at the same court; they’re all a part of a Jury audience” Garcia explained as her fingers tapped on her keyboard through the phone.

“Maybe someone just got out of prison that was wrongly convicted and wanting revenge?” you questioned.

“Maybe, it would have to be something pretty big for them to come back,” Derek said, you nodded in agreement, “baby girl can you see if there are any people that may have been convicted by a jury with our victims in it?”

“Sure can sugar, PG out” the phone clicked off.

“Did you find anything from the M.E.?” Hotch turned to Rossi and Emily as he spoke.

“The pathologist said it was a clean cut without hesitation marks or remorse,” Rossi said.

“No drugs, no blunt force trauma,” Emily shrugged as she talked, “it wasn't a blitz.”

“Maybe planned?” you butted in.

“That’s what it seems like,” Hotch said, “Reid? Have you got anything? J.J.?” Hotch questioned as he looked to the respective people.

“The victims were killed in different areas but its places they frequented; house, bar, bar” Spencer started, “they’re all over the place is all, completely different areas,”

“Yeah, and the families weren’t much help either. One of the victims' families, uh, Emil Gosten? His family said they didn't want anything to do with the investigation because he's had previous death threats and calls and stuff,” J.J. shrugged as the room went quiet.

“Reid, (L/n) I know you two dont like each other but I need two of my sharpest minds to go back to the crime scenes,” Hotch sighed, you groaned but complied as you stalked off with Reid following shortly behind.

“Everything looks the exact same as it was left,” you sighed out as you placed a blanket back down on the couch. Spencer scanned the books on the shelf before pulling one out and starting to read it; completely ignoring you.

“Reid,” nothing.

“Reid.” again, nothing.

“Spencer,” nope.

“SPENCE”

“What!” he finally turned to you and answered.

“You couldn't give me some complacency and at least answer me when i talk to you?” you asked annoyed.

“Why would i?” Spencer asked with a bored tone as he placed the book back on the shelf, except he finally talked to you, “The victim is atheist, believes in the justice system…” he sighed and shrugged, “did Hotch just put us together to fuck with us?”

“Maybe,” you flopped onto the couch with a sigh as you rest your head on the backrest. That was until something caught your eye, “Oi genius!” you called out, Spencer came to your side as you pointed to the roof; there, above your heads was a piece of paper taped to the ceiling, “you’re taller than me,” you said quickly as you got up and started moving the couch.

“Woah what- what’re you doing?” Spencer jumped back slightly as you pushed the couch backwards.

“Well we’re going to push this back and then put a chair down for you to stand on so you can reach that note because it can possibly help us get to the unsub,”

“What why me?” Spencer questioned as he helped you push the couch back.

“You’re taller than me and have longer arms,” you walked over to the dining table and came back with a chair, Spencer was reluctant at first but eventually stood on the chair and plucked down the taped note; letting out a breath as he finally stood on the ground again. You plucked the note from Spencer's hand and opened it.

“A music note?” Spencer mumbled.

“Something like that,” you mumbled back, “see it's in the second to bottom gap,” you pointed to the gap to show where it was, as if Spencer couldn't see it already, “um, it would sound something like...um, dmm” you vibrate your voice a little to help Spencer understand, he nodded, “the only problem is there isn’t any clef; normally with music you have a treble clef, alto clef or bass clef. They basically determine what instrument can be played and how the notes are determined” Spencer looked genuinely interested while you explained your thinking, “this...its a singular note, maybe there’s more around?” you looked around the room and tried to desifre if there were any opened drawers or cupboards.

“Maybe there’s another one at the other location?” Spencer questioned, you grinned.

“It might be the unsubs calling card; ‘hey, this is my kill’ type thing!” and with that, you made a break in the case.

Spencer called the rest of the team about the break as Hotch allowed the two of you to go to the other victims houses and search for more music notes; low and behold you now had 3 music notes placed under the corresponding victim heads.

“You keep staring at that board as if it's going to give you answers,” Derek said with a grin as he walked into the room; the rest of the team had been called out to another dead body.

“Hmm? Oh I just…” you shrugged, “i just get this feeling about the notes; they have to sound something but we just don't know what yet” before Derek could answer you the shrill of the phone went off.

“(Y/n)?” it was Spencer on loudspeaker; he never called you by your first name.

“Yeah what's up Reid?” you called back.

“We found another note; the round part is under the last line with the stem going up to the second line at the top,” you nodded in response (not that Spencer could see you) as you drew the note on a piece of paper with a sharpener and placed it on the victim board.

“Anything else? A clef at all anywhere?” you asked.

“Um i'm not- i don't think so?” it sounded like Spencer was shuffling around a few things to get a better look, “we have another piece of paper!” Spencer called out, moments later you got a photo on your phone. Sure enough there was a treble clef.

“Spence get everyone back here; i know what the notes mean”

“Our unsub is using something called the Dies Irae,” you played the first few notes on your phone over youtube, “you've all heard this song over time just not exactly in an orchestra setting; Star Wars, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, The Shining, The Exorcist and many many more,” you played a few other videos of the notes from a few of the movies as everyone nodded.

“I can hear it,” J.J. mumbled.

“Same,” that was Emily.

“Right, so...it was originally used with catholic’s; they used the music in their Requiem services-”

“Requiem services are basically putting the dead to rest,” Spencer cut in quickly so the team could understand.

“Yeah, it's basically a song for the dead to stay dead in a way? I think our unsub is using the Sweeney Todd method; killing his victims with a razor. One slice across the neck while in a private area except this dude isn't a cannibal” you grinned at the remembrance of the film.

“Cannibal?” Derek and Emily questioned.

“In the movie Sweeney Todd is a barber, he comes back for revenge on the man who stole his wife and child and kills people in his barber shop which is also above a pie shop owned by a woman named Mrs Lovett; when Sweeney starts killing they come together in order to bring customers back to Mrs Lovett's pie shop. Because it's set in 1785 meat was expensive so instead they used the dead people as meat to sell to customers” you realised how long winded that explanation was and apologized, “sorry that was..i think our unsub is a barber” was your final statement. Hotch nodded and moved to press a button on the phone in the middle of the table, but the phone started ringing instead.

“Garcia?”

“I think i found our unsub; Chris Gevette, he filed for divorce after he gave evidence of spousal abuse but it seems like his wife had every piece of evidence that would be able to put him in jail rather than her so everything was blamed on him for the abuse and the jury ruled him unable to keep any stable relationship”

“Garcia do you have a work and home address?”

“Sent to your phones now; barber shop and home” the phone clicked off.

“(Y/n) i want you to go to the barber shop with Reid and Derek. Emily, J.J. and I will go to the house; Rossi stays here in case anything else happens.” and with that you all ran to the SUV’s.

-----

“CHRIS GEVETTE FBI!” Derek shouted through the door, your guns were drawn and ready for action as Derek kicked the door in. You moved swiftly through the shop, finding nothing but dust.

“Guys!” you were now out the back as your partners came running, “it's exactly like Sweeney Todd,” you motioned to the stairs in front of you before looking behind you, “there's stars that lead down as well; there may be bodies in there like the movie too, you go down there and i'll go up.”

“(Y/n) let me come with you,” that was Spencer, he looked genuinely concerned.

“I've got this Spence. Go” you started your ascent up the wooden stairs while trying to stay as quiet as you possibly could, “CHRIS GEVETTE,” you called out to the door once you got to it, you could hear the bustle of footsteps and made the split decision. The door was kicked in by you as you pointed your gun to Chris who was now holding a razor to a woman's neck.

“Get away!” Chris screamed, he was frantic; trembling and crying.

“Chris! Chris it's okay, i'm a good guy, okay?” you slowly let go of your gun, “im holstering my gun, okay?” you said as you're-holstered your gun, “Chris i know about the divorce-”

“No you dont!” Chris called, the woman under the razor trembled as the razor cut into her neck slightly.

“I do! Chris, I know you were abused! I know it wasn't you that did the abusing! If you let her go we can help you get custody and instead send that bitch to jail,” Chris looked almost relieved to hear that, he contemplated that for a moment before slowly letting the woman go. She ran over to you as Derek and Spencer finally came up the stairs and started handcuffing Chris.

“We’ve got two other bodies in the basement,” Spencer said to you while you held the trembling woman, “there's medic on the way now,” you nodded in affirmation before starting to help the women calm down and walk down the stairs.

------

The jet finally landed back at the bureau as the rest of your team started packing their things from their desks.

“Um (Y/n)” a voice called, you smiled as you looked up to see the person you least expected.

“Spence?” you questioned; your eyes darted around and couldn't see any other team member in sight, “everyone left already. Sorry. I've been in my own little world,” you gave a tight smile as you continued packing some extra files into your bag.

“It-it’s just me, but um, I just wanted to congratulate you on your break in the case,” the comment from Spencer's timid and small voice caught you off guard so much that you froze for a moment as you stared at him. It all seemed to go quiet, and slow; the clock on the wall seemed to tick at an atrociously slow pace.

Tick…

“(Y/n)?”

Tock…

“Hmm?”

“I uh, i was-”

“Oh, yeah um-”

Pause.

Quiet.

“Thank you,” smile.

Tick…

“I was...was wondering, (Y/n)...”

Tock…

“Yeah Spence?”

“Would you...would you like to go...on a date...with...me?”

Pause.

Quiet.

“With you?”

“Well, I did...I did say ‘me’ I hope- just, just forget it” and the world went back to normal as Spence started walking away.

“No Spence, wait!” you grabbed your things and quickly darted off after him; plunging your arm between the elevator doors and stepping in quickly before they shut behind you.

“Just forget it (Y/n); forget i ever asked and we can just go back to-”

“I would love to go on a date with you”

Tick…

“Really?”

“So long as you don't call me a paramecium again”

Tock…

“I won't; as long as you don't call me a substitute chemistry teacher”

Pause.

Quiet.

“I won't”

“Then it's settled.

Tick…

“Message me?”

“Of course”

Tock…

Smile.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #Derek morgan #penelopie garcia #Penelope Garcia #garcia #Emily prentiss #Aaron hotchner #David rossi #J.J.#Spencer reid x reader #Reid x reader #Spencer reid x gn!reader #Spencer reid x gender neutral reader #x reader

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allaleesha · 4 years ago

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"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated"

I really need to stop referencing songs.

Warning.

Contains blood & is a lengthy story.

Some of details are hazy or completely forgotten also.

It was an extremely traumatic experience.

Me:

"Get up. I need an ambulance!!!"

JV:

"I can drive you to the hospital quicker than an ambulance can get here"

I won't disclose how long it took JV to drive from our house to the nearest hospital, but yes he was correct.

Lights were left on, doors left open. Im surprised none of the neigbours noticed.

LLETZ discuss what happened a few hours prior...

I'd visited the after hours GP service after my bleeding increased.

JV had come to work to have his teeth cleaned. I went to the toilet half hour prior to leaving work and by the time I had arrived home I had gone through the pad I was wearing.

When we arrived about 7pm at GP access, I could feel myself bleeding. I couldnt even concertrate enough to give the nurse my correct details, for some reason I tried to give her my mums mobile number instead of my own. JV had to take over and help.

The GP I saw actually happened to be a patient at work and recognised my face.

She examined me and saw that I was bleeding but I seemed to be clotting which was good.

She knew the surgeon who performed my surgery and phoned him personally to advise and discuss my case.

My surgeon thought it was some sort of infection so advised to start me on a course of antibiotics and to phone his rooms first thing in the morning to make a review appointment.

This put my mind at ease.

The GP phoned the local hospital to gain advice on the best antibiotics to give and to alert them that if my bleeding increased I had been advise to present to the emergency department.

I was given antibiotics and was told to go home, rest up and phone the surgeon tomorrow.

I felt a little bit more reassured.

I went home, anxious but knew it would all be sorted tomorrow.

Close to 12am I woke up, heart rate through the roof, sweating.

I had only been asleep for maybe an hour but I knew something was wrong.

The only way I can describe it was like alarm bells in my body.

I went to go to the toilet but when I stood up I immediately felt something “let go”. Id started to hemorrhage.

I screamed at JV to wake up - he is the world heaviest sleeper.

For someone who is pretty neat, the first time since living where we are I had left a towel on the floor at the foot of the bed. THANK FUCK.

I placed the towel in between my legs, laid myself on the floor and kept screaming at JV I needed an ambulance.

He had by this stage chucked some clothes on and was yelling back at me to get in the car, he knew where we live the nearest ambulance station was around 10 minutes away. Reluctantly I agreed.

I called the ED as we drove out of the driveway and calmly explained what was happening and we were on our way.

I asked JV to talk to me the entire way and not to stop. I can only describe the feeling as tired but I knew I was on the brink of passing out. I told him to ask me what I saw, what my name was, how I was feeling, just anything that would keep me with it.

We arrived at the hospital and the surprise we were already there was apparent.

I dont think they really believed the panic. I was placed in a single room and awaited to be seen a Doctor. The blood just continued to pool around me. Almost 2 hours later a male Doctor came in to assess me.

JV had to step out, he isnt the best with blood or needles.

Between the surprise on the Doctors face and hearing the blood coming out of me... I was began to think I might die.

He tried to stop the bleeding as best he could with gauze and immediately called for the resident gynecologist to come down.

She was delivering a baby - emergency cesarean, so I did have to wait a little bit for her.

When she came down I was busting to wee. That’s all I could think about.

She helped me go to the toilet in a bed pan and between the blood, clots and wee practically overflowed it.

I know it sounds stupid with the weight of the situation but also I just wanted to get out of my clothes - they were covered in blood and I was very agitated.

By this stage I was on the borderline for a blood transfusion (I am so thankful for blood donors and had previously donated blood). The Gynecologist called for her intern gyno to come down to assist.

There were no available operating theaters so it was perform what was needed in the ER to stem the bleeding or wait for a OR which could exacerbate my condition.

Things got a little hazy here and I was in the mindset of just save my life.

I was treated with silver nitrate, stitched in several places and packed vaginally with gauze to hold pressure on my cervix/LLETZ procedure site.

She placed a catheter in also as I wouldn't be moving for about 24 hours for any reason.

I was a little uncomfortable after all of this but so thankful I was in the right place to get the care I needed.

I was admitted to the ward at about 6am.

I sent JV straight home to rest and also call the family and let them know what had happened.

They advised me it would be a minimum 24-48 hour admission.

I spent the day resting and managed to eat a little bit of food. I felt a lot of pressure not so much pain as such.

I also forgot to mention earlier I had lost 5kg in 6 days... a sign my body was in distress.

The next day the packing was removed and very minimum to nil blood was noted.

I was anxious but they were more than happy to send me home to recover fully.

A week off work and some bed rest.

Little did we know...

This was only hospital visit number 1...

#lletz #largeloopexcison #cin3 #cervicaldysplasia #cin3cervicaldysplasia #infertilityjourney #ivfsupport #ivfjourney #ivf #infertility #infertilitystruggles #infertilitysucks #infertilitysupport #ttcjourney #ttcbaby #ttc #ttcsupport #endo #endometriosis

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babiekeiji · 5 years ago

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ask game!

tagged by @bb-noya <33 thanks for the questions yams!!

1. What is your favorite song and least favorite song?

My favorite song rn is Waste by Brockhampton and their remix of Sugar!! Least favorite is DEFINITELY anything nd everything edm .. i just dont vibe w the rave 😐

2. Do you prefer pen or pencil?

Pencil when i draw! Pen when i write 😉 i have p decent handwriting ngl aha ha

3. Who is your favorite celebrity?

Y’all gonna hate me for this but.... Kim K OWNEKDJDOSN she’s just so funny yk theres so many memes....but also because she’s rlly smart (she’s studying to become a lawyer i think)

4. What is the worst movie you have ever watched?

SIERRA BURGESS IS A LOSER. i would do anything to eradicate the memory of that movie from my mind

5. Who is your favorite fictional character of all time?

Nico di Angelo bro 😌 or Will Solace i loved will’s general vibe

6. Do you prefer tea or coffee?

I love both! But i drink coffee late at night lol

7. What is your favorite TV show?

BROOKLYN 99!! and the big bang theory haha

8. What is your dream job?

I wanna be a gynecologist!! but i’m studying to become a lawyer so blehhh 😒😒 asian parents

9. What is your favorite song lyric and why?

There’s a line from the song “less of you” by keshi nd it goes like “You are the only thing that’s made sense to me” and i, as a person who overromanticises everything nd anything, find that line very striking nd romantic yk.

10. What is your favorite curse word?

FUCK 😎😎

Here are my questions!!

Would you rather have legs as long as fingers or fingers as long as legs?

What song do you play when you need to cry?

What’s the last text message you sent?

What’s your favorite movie and why?

If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be and why?

Do you prefer jazz or hiphop music?

Who are your favorite mutuals?

What’s your favorite movie?

What kind of love is your favorite kind of love?

What’s your general aesthetic? (You’re free to add pics if you want!)

anyone who sees this can choose to answer! but i’m tagging @the-black-birb @miyulovestowrite @heccingdead @lceiji @dekuscrybaby hehe

#get to know ellie!

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idkwhatimdoingbutimgonnacontinue · 5 years ago

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I saw your post about not telling your doctor about asexuality and I was just confused about it because... I'm asexual, and when my doctor asks if I'm sexually active, I say "no", and that's the end of the conversation. They don't ask "why not", or try to convince me that I should be, and I'd find it bizarre if they did. Granted I am still seeing a pediatrician (I am 19 and they will see me until I am 21) and have never been to a gynecologist...

I've been to a lot of gynecologists because of health related reasons (my reproductive system is broke and hates me lol) and usually they dont ask about your sexuality except maybe to confirm that by not sexually active you arent just talking about penis in vagina sex (very rare and only asked because I had a repeat infection and those can be transmitted between people with vaginas too).

It's not so much that they come out and demand your sexuality tho. It's more like I've had a gynecologist lowkey just not believe that I havent been sexually active yet and I want to be able to tell my doctors that hey the reason is really simple: I dont desire the sex.

I think it just comes up more for me because of all the visits I have to go to about my reproductive health. Perhaps it will come up for you when you get to the point where you have to go to a gynecologist for paps and things. I dont know about normal gynecological appointments tho so I cant say for sure. All i know is that they like to bring up my "future childbearing plans" and my sexual history.

My big thing against it all tbh is that I cant even say I dont even like sex, am asexual, and fun fact dont plan to have children (something I'd like them to take into consideration when I ask them to just rip my reproductive organs out). I cant say any of it without having some doctor look at me and either say I'll change my mind or think that I need drugs to increase my sex drive and make me "normal". It is very frustrating and because of my health issues it's not even possible for me to be picky with doctors because very few know how to treat my nonsense reproductive illness

#fun fact ive had a pap #it was not too bad #horrible but i imagined much worse #and nowadays i barely bat an eye about anything involving my vagina and their love of checking for abnormalities #ive had over 10 appointments in relation to my reproductive system which is a lot considering im 19 lol #anyway feel free to ask me anything about any of this because i am not shy about any of this #asexual post #asexual #asexuality #rants in asexuality #anon #ask #andyrants #tmi #tmi in the tags #especially tmi in the tags #also i think i said reproductive way too much in this post

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anastasiaskarsgard · 5 years ago

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Hydrangea - Chapter 1

The home was large and imposing. Located on the second largest island, in the Stockholm archipelago, it was connected to Stockholm by a bridge, which meant it was in the perfect location to quickly reach the rest of civilization whenever the moment was required -- but was enough out of the way that I didn't have to be bothered by anyone. The quiet location of the home allowed me the peace and privacy recent events, had made so valuable.

Upon stepping inside, I noted the dust that covered every single surface within the home; and on the kitchen table -- sat a magazine from six years ago. It had been a while since anyone used this place. It had been in our family for several generations, and although it was grand and beautiful in the summer, it was a hard place to live in the winter. Just heating it, was a small fortune, especially considering it had no protection or barriers to help shield it from the ferocious frozen winds, that relentlessly lasted the coldest months of an already savage cold.

My tiny Pomeranian, Max, took a moment to sniff around. He was as fearless as he was adorable, and I could only pray that he managed to stay out of trouble. Max was my loyal little man, and when i was at my lowest, he really helped me keep going. I had given up on myself, but I couldnt let my little Max down. I leaned down and gave him a quick back rub, before he trotted off to sniff around some more. I could only imagine the sensory overload all this was to a little city dog, that now had an entire new world to investigate.

I walked around the house, going from room to room, opening up windows to let in the fresh air. I peeked over at my neighbors house, and was pleased to see people were there.

Back when I was growing up, I would come here every summer, without fail. During that time, I had managed to develop amazing friendships with the children who had lived next door -- Bill and Eija Skarsgard. Bill was the tall and lanky boy who would always have scrapes and bruises, and absolutely zero fear whatsoever. Eija, was just as bold as her older brother. She never failed to be confident in any situation -- even when I was hesitant about something. In fact, if I tried to chicken out, or god forbid, not even try, she always found a way to change my mind. I was a naturally timid child, but they would have none of it. There were 3 older brothers, and although theyd often humor us, they were too old to play our silly games of pretend. But looking back on the events that led me here, I couldn't help but wish I’d stayed that sweet timid girl, that cried when i caught a fish, because id made its mouth bleed. Being fearless and passionate hadnt gone well for me.

These days, from what I'd seen online and read about in articles, it seemed that almost all of the Skarsgard brothers were actors. I remembered the father was some sort of artistic type, and was shocked his sons had followed suit, all but one of them, got so embarrassed by his unapologetic nudity. The boys I grew up playing "make believe" with as children, were now critically acclaimed actors. Not only that but beautiful ones at that! Bill had grown into quite the looker. He was handsome by anyone's standards, with his rich and dark brown hair, sinful full lips, chiseled facial features and penetrating green eyes. Looking at him in magazines, it was mind-blowing that this was the same boy that helped me build dams out of stones, or dig in the dirt for hours. I was sorry I'd lost touch with them but was too shy to reach out to them now that they were famous. That wasn't why I missed them, although I'm sure that's what they'd think. I hoped that the fame hadn't gone to their heads and that they were still the friendly, free-spirited family that I had always remembered them to be before I couldn't find the time to come back to this place.

When you're a teenager, you don't want to escape the rat race; you want to be in the thick of it. I was by no means a party girl, but I did enjoy an active social life in my teens, and all through college. I was obsessed with getting good grades and was a bit of an overachiever, so I kept myself busy. I was always aloof with boys because frankly, they all seemed more trouble than they were worth. I had high standards and was of the mindset that I would rather be alone than settle for someone perfect for me. Then I met Adam.

Adam appeared perfect, at least at the surface. He was naturally athletic and tall, attractive by conventional standards; and very funny -- as well as charismatic and successful. He honestly had it all, or so I thought. People, myself included, were instinctively drawn in by him. Adam could always be counted upon for a good time with a great story. He was your typical all-american boy next door that you wanted to do bad things with. It’d actually flattered me, when he took an interest in me, and tirelessly pursued me.

If I had to describe myself, physically, I was fortunate enough to be naturally conventionally attractive as well. However, I had a standoffish vibe. In my defense, resting bitch face is a thing that can’t be fixed for some people, but with every cloud, there's a silver lining. Especially since it's saved me from numerous creeps approaching me, and at least gave me the illusion that I blended in, and didn't draw much notice. I HATED being the center of attention. On a Friday night, you're more likely to find me at home curled up on my couch engrossed in a good novel -- rather than dealing with strangers and drunk people.

I had a very secure career as a business analyst, for a big utility company; so I was not the person you ever wanted to see. I analyzed our various departments and employees, to always be sure, we work at our most financial efficiency, and if I did come to see you, it wasn’t because to give you a high five. As long as I kept us out of the red, and looked professional and clean, they really couldn't have cared less about aging or being fashionable.

As time progressed within our relationship, I thought nothing of it when Adam got a new assistant at work named Alexis. Alexis had a lovely face and Victoria's Secret body. She was slender, and never appeared to have a single strand of hair out of place. A few friends made comments, but I defended her, annoyed people only looked at her superficially, and didn't take her seriously. I had suffered this same plight, my entire life, so I refused to acknowledge her beauty as anything suspicious. She was brilliant and tenacious, and her organizational skills were spectacular, and coming from me, that's quite a compliment. She also knew a lot about healthy eating habits and managed to share diet and exercise tips with Adam when he started to find it difficult to fit in some of his suits. I thought it was sweet of him to make a new friend, and treat her like a peer and looking back, I want to choke myself. I was, quite frankly, the most naive, trusting idiot on the planet.

It started simply; she would occasionally "forget" to give him some messages from me and once in a while laughing a little too much at one of his jokes that just wasn't as funny, or always would touch his arm or back or shoulder. Honestly, it was a tint bit annoying, but he had always been a handsome, charming guy, that made people feel comfortable. She wasn't the first one to be a bit too familiar, but at the end of the day, he loved me and wanted to marry me. I had no reason to not trust him because of her actions. If I'm honest, I probably should confess I am a bit of a reclusive type and am not very attentive or needy. Alone time is right up there with oxygen, for me, so I have to trust completely, or I’ll drive myself nuts.

If I’d paid closer attention, id have questioned why he started staying later and later at the office. I just assumed he was taking on more cases, that he had gained from all the free publicity when he had represented a notorious South American cartel crime lords son, and saved him from what was thought to be a certain a guaranteed death sentence. He’d still received a life sentence, but considering the 74 crimes had been guilty of, that was damn near a miracle! So, I didn’t mind when he had to cancel several dates with me. In fact, I was proud of him for getting more work, rising in the ranks of the legal hierarchy as well. Then there was his sudden disinterest in looking at houses with me. One of the most significant conflicts in our relationship had always been that I refused to move in together until we were married. Since we were going to be getting married at the end of summer, he had been foaming at the mouth to pick out our future home, but now it was like he planned on buying a house after we were married. I didn't let it bother me though, I figured that because of his busy work schedule, it would just be easier for me to take photos of the houses for him, and put them all in an online portfolio for him to review at his convenience. I even went as far as completely buying his bullshit excuse of "needing something to hold back his hair out of his eyes, while he was at the gym" when I found a woman's hair tye in his fucking bathroom. (Believe me, if I could go back and slap the shit out of myself --) :

It wasn’t until I received a call from my gynecologist with the results from my yearly pap smear -- that I was doused in the cold hard reality of what was going on. I had chlamydia, and quite frankly -- I wanted to cut his manhood off and make him eat it, I was so mad. I stormed into his office and burst through the doors dramatically slamming the test results on his desk in front of him. And you want to know the embarrassing part? I still didn't think it was Alexis.

“What dirty ass whore, have you been sticking your dick in? Who was worth throwing us away, because its fucking over.” I said menacingly enough, he scooted back a bit.

“I dont think you should talk about her like she cant hear you, for fucks sake,” he said looking over at Alexis who continued to work quietly and avoid eye contact with me; almost pretending as if nothing were wrong and she could not in fact hear me.

I was at a complete loss. I stood there with my mouth agape, trying to process this information, and when I could feel the lump in my throat rise, and the tears threatened to fall, I turned on my heel and left, without saying another word.

Looking back, I should have noticed several signs that something was amiss.

About six months ago, he became very concerned with his appearance; hitting the gym, eating healthy, buying anti-aging products, investing in several expensive wardrobe pieces, getting a new hairstyle. I had found it funny that at 30 years old, he was having a mid-life crisis. I’d tease him about it a little bit, and he’d just roll his eyes and say he wasn’t a natural stunner like me.

I’ve always been very low maintenance, but that’s because my body knows it has to keep it together because I’m not doing a bunch of crazy stuff to stay young. I’m totally fine with gray hairs, wrinkles and wearing my Juicy tracksuits that haven’t been in style, for a decade. There were better odds that I’d get superpowers than I’d get Botox.

I had been so blind. Such a fool.

When Adam came by my home to pick up his possessions he’d left there over the years, she came along and even had the audacity to come inside with him. She had this smug look on her face, and kept whispering to Adam and giggling. I knew she was trying to get a rise out of me but was a lady dammit... I held it together until they finally left, and as I closed the door and locked it behind them, I pressed my forehead to the door, willing myself to stay strong, but my legs got so weak, and the air felt like it’d been knocked out of me. And I suddenly felt far too heavy to stand. I crumpled to the floor, and curled myself into the fetal position, and cried like I, ve never cried in my entire life. Hysterical, slobberyface, sobbing with boogers, till my throat and diaphragm hurt, and then I cried some more.

My heart was broken. I felt like my life was over, and my chance at happiness had left with him. I sunk into a pretty deep depression and stopped cleaning the house and speaking to anyone outside of work. If it hadn't been for my loyalty to Max, I don't know if I would of left my house. I had to take care of Max tho, so I pressed on although I was a shell of my old self.

I’d torture myself looking at their social media accounts, with all their cute little pictures and sappy comments. I’d never been one to post 1000 pictures of my life or write to my boyfriend. I saw every day, professions of my love for all the world to see. I updated my Instagram maybe once a month, unlike Alexis, who seemed to update hers about once an hour. It was disgusting.

That’s how I saw the hydrangea bushes.

I always loved hydrangeas and had asked Adam if I could plant some at his office, and he’d always said they were too problematic. I’m an analyst, so rather than argue, I gathered various varieties and strains, what their strengths and weaknesses were, what colors were offered, how often they bloomed and what was required to keep them alive. I had presented Adam with the top 3 hydrangea candidates in folders that were the color they’d bloom to be, and was rather pleased with myself. He’d been busy at the time and handed the folders off to Alexis, promising to look them over later. I asked him a few times if he’d gotten a chance to look them over and he’d get annoyed, so I just let it go.

Now I was sitting here, seething with rage, looking at Alexis, posing next to a sizeable Bloomstruck hydrangea bush holding my motherfucking folder.

I don’t know what came over me, but I had to destroy that bush.: I stayed up all night, figuring out the best strategy. Finally, I decided to go by his office before sunrise, since no one would be around, for me to douse said bush in lighter fluid and walk away to let it soak in. Eventually, once they had arrived at the office a little bit later, I would wait for them to all be inside and then casually stroll on by and toss a lit match in the bush.

Burn baby, burn!

His office building was made out of bricks and the flowering bed was also encased in bricks; there was no risk of it getting out of control.

I jogged by, splashing the contents all over the bush, and then crossed the street to the parking garage, where I took the stairs up to the sixth floor, where I could see them arrive without being seen. People never look up.

It didn't take long before I saw Adam’s shiny black Mercedes pull into his reserved parking space, and imagine my surprise when Alexis got out the passenger side. I guess he was giving her rides to work now too, or maybe they even lived together. Frankly, I didn't care, but they were not getting happily ever after, with my favorite fucking flowers!

They kissed and held hands, in front of God and everybody. It was repulsive and so unprofessional. He pulled her into a deep kiss and then went inside, leaving her outside. What was she doing? I bet she was going to take some fucking selfies. She walked over to MY bush, digging in her purse. More pictures with the bush, but when she pulled something out of her purse, my stomach dropped. In her hand, she had a cigarette and a lighter. She tried to light her cigarette, but it was a windy day. Thank God, I breathed a sigh of relief until she huddled down into the bush, using it to block the wind and lit her cigarette. I'm not exaggerating when I say; she quite literally burst into flames.

I watched in horror, as she ran around flailing her arms and screaming completely engulfed in flames. Then I turned around, and I ran as fast and as far as my legs would take me in the opposite direction.

I want to give a huge thank you for helping me with editing @imaginationlane. She is such a good writer, and she took the time to help point me in the right direction and I'm very thankful. I actually edited something!!!! Yeah!!!

If I should keep going, like or comment or reblog. I welcome any comments, good or bad.

#bill skarsgard #billy skarsgard #fanfic #establishing story #hydrangea #fan fiction #multiple parts #my writing

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watchmegetobsessed · 6 years ago

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Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 12

yoooo im back with a new part!! okay this sounded like im a shitty rapper.. im really losing my shit lately over school but whatever... anyway, enjoy! shower me with your thoughts!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11

I’m an emotional wreck when I get into the car and Nick greets me with a friendly smile. The silence is comforting, though I miss the country music Shawn used to play every time he was in a good mood.

I’m not a nail biter, but I nibble on them as we are getting closer and closer to Shawn’s place and I’m trying to come up with a plan on how I want to do it. Should I just blurt it out or should I build it up properly like a speech that ends with me telling him that he is going to be a father?

None of the options seem to be right, so after a while I give up and decide to just go with the flow.

When Nick rolls into the garage my nerves are exploding and my hands are shaking when I get out of the car. I take the elevator and I feel like my stomach was left in the garage when the elevator moved up.

The door opens and I walk into the familiar apartment. I hear his singing voice coming from the kitchen even before I could see him and it immediately brings a smile to my lips. I don’t know what I was expecting to see or how I imagined our first meeting after our emotional goodbye, but it feels… normal.

I walk into the kitchen and he looks up at me from the instant soup he is making and a wide smile dances to his beautiful face. He looks just as handsome as I remembered, his hair is now a bit longer, a curl is dancing on his forehead with every movement, but it’s beyond adorable. I have to fight the urge to curl it to my finger.

“Hi!” he greets me and stepping closer he pulls me into a hug, and I feel like I’m finally safe and home.

“Hi,” I whisper against his hoodie as I wrap my arms around his waist. Smelling his scent makes is even harder to peel myself off of him when it’s long over the friendly duration for the hug. “Instant soup, huh?” I ask hoping to make myself forget about the aching pain in my chest that I’m feeling now that he is standing next to me again.

“I don’t have lunch or dinner dates anymore, so I’m more often stuck here alone. And I’m still not a chef,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“Ordering is still an option, you know?”

“I… haven’t been quite in the mood to talk to strangers, not even a delivery guy,” he mumbles anxiously as he puts a spoon into the soup and stirs it. Steam is dancing above the bowl indicating that it’s still pretty hot, so he doesn’t attempt to taste it, just lets it sit on the counter.

I can relate to how he is feeling and I’m surprised he shared this detail with me. I was afraid he would be distant and sullen with me, but his honesty is calming me.

“Do you want a glass of wine or something?” he asks walking over to the fridge. I almost say yes immediately, some alcohol would definitely work for me, but then I realize that I can’t. Because there is a teeny-tiny baby in my stomach now.

“Um, no thank you,” I shake my head and watch him grab a water for both of us.

“So, not that I’m rushing you, but I’m really curious about what you wanted to talk about.”

We make ourselves comfortable on the couch and I feel my anxiety coming over me. I have no idea how to do it, but I can’t just blurt it out. I need time to think.

“I… I’ve been missing you.”

He gives me a doubtful look and I’m afraid he can see through me, but then he doesn’t question if this was my original intention. But I start talking again just to be sure.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I just couldn’t get you off of my mind. I know I was the one who wanted to end everything, but… I guess I can’t do it.”

I feel horrible. I should have told him straight away instead of talking bullshit. Well, okay, it’s not bullshit, it’s true, I’ve been missing him as hell, but this is not why I came here.

He runs his hand through his hair and I think back of the time I used to do this without a second thought. Now I’m sitting next to him with a decent gap between us, so our legs can’t touch.

“I missed you too, Naya. So much. But… what do you want to do? I mean… I’m happy to start seeing you again, but we have to figure this out, how we want to make it work.”

I nod with a blank stare and I don’t know what I can say. If I don’t tell him about the pregnancy test I’m just fucking everything up, making him believe things are turning right and we can start over again, when truth is, everything is about to turn upside down.

For my luck, his phone starts ringing somewhere in his room and he excuses himself rushing into the room to answer the call.

I growl angrily as I reach for my bag and grab the test. I stare at it and can’t help but grimace. What am I doing here? I can’t ruin his life, I was the stupid one who forgot to take the pill, so it’s all my fault. A child would blow up his whole life and I can’t put up with the thought of messing everything up for him. I shouldn’t have come here.

I jump when I realize he is walking out of his room and in my sudden confusion I tug the stick to my coat’s pocket hiding it as I jump to my feet. I have to leave before I fuck something up.

“Where are you going?” he asks with raised eyebrows.

“I-I gotta leave. I’m sorry.” I mumble nervously as I head to the elevator, but he grabs my arm and… and everything happens too fast.

His grip is not too hard, but it’s strong enough to pull my hand out of the pocket and the stick slides out with it as well. It falls to the floor and the clinking makes me jump. I totally freeze right at that moment, giving Shawn the chance to reach for it.

As I watch him pick the test up from the floor I hold my breath and pull my shoulders up, as if I’m afraid he is about to explode. He hold it between his fingers, stares at it for the longest few seconds before his eyes slowly move up to my face. I’m biting my lips, feeling the tears dwelling in my eyes.

Why didn’t I put the damn test back into my bag? Why am I such an idiot?

“Shawn, I-“ I start, but I don’t get to finish, he cuts me off.

“Is this yours?” he asks in a firm voice. I nod.

“I took it this morning. I threw up last night and realized I’ve been late for over a week, so I bought the test and…”

“Did you do it on purpose?” I hear his next question and the words freeze to my tongue.

“What?” I manage to say.

“Did you get pregnant on purpose? Were you planning on it?”

His expressions are hard, he seems mad and it’s scary to see him like this. I didn’t want to upset him and his questions catch me off-guard. I stare at him in disbelief, but it soon turns into anger. How can he think I did this on purpose?

“Sure, I thought it would be fun to mess up my and your life as well!” I snap back angrily. “Of course I didn’t! I forgot to take the damn pills!” I growl as I snatch the test from his hand. Now I’m raging and I’m offended by the accusation.

“You told me not to worry about it! And yet, you have a positive pregnancy test in your bag now!” he retorts just making it even worse.

“I’m sorry, I was too busy trying not to fall apart! I’m sorry I’m human! But if you think I did this on purpose then I’m leaving now. It was a mistake to come here.”

I turn around furiously, but he grabs my arm again holding me back. When I turn back to him his face is completely changed. He doesn’t seem mad anymore, more like… desperate.

“Hey, hey, hey. I’m sorry! I didn’t… I just- I’m in shock, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“And you think I’m not shocked?” I scoff in disbelief. “This morning I found out that I’m pregnant, I came here to find comfort and maybe to find out what we should do now, and then you accuse me of doing it on purpose!” Tears are running down on my cheeks and though I try to push him away, he pulls me to him and closes his arms around me no matter how badly I’m trying to get away from him. “I’m so fucking shook, I’m terrified and I really thought seeing you would make me feel better, but I’m still so afraid.”

Now I’m full on crying, I’m sobbing into his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. His strong arms hold me tight to his body and I just want to stay like this forever. He is stroking my hair gently, soothing me without letting go of me. I’m glad he is holding me because my knees feel like jelly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I wasn’t thinking. It’s okay baby,” he whispers into my hair pressing a kiss to my temple.

“I’m sorry for raging so bad. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last 24 hours,” I mumble wiping my tears off of my face, but I know my eyes has already swelled and as red as a tomato.

“It’s fine. Come on, let’s sit down and talk, okay?”

I nod my head and he pulls me back to the couch. He gently takes my coat off and sitting down he pulls me close, circling an arm around my shoulders. His body’s heat is attracting me like I’m a bug and he is the only light in the room. I cuddle to his side and enjoy the momentary silence as I slowly realize I’m somehow relieved. The secret is out, he knows about the test, now we can focus on figuring out everything else.

“I’m sorry about the pill. I should have been more careful, it’s my fault,” I mumble and looking up at him I my gaze meets his soft eyes. All the anger and doubt is gone by now, I have my soft Shawn back, thanks God.

“Don’t say that. I should have been more persistent about using a condom too. We are in this together. But we really have to figure out the next step.”

“The next step is that I have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. These test are pretty reliable, but I need to see a professional as well.”

“Cancel the appointment, I’ll get you one in a private hospital. They are very trustworthy and we can sneak in without getting noticed.”

I don’t protest, I’m more than happy to keep it a secret for as long as possible. The last thing I need is to get recognized as I’m going to the gynecologist with Shawn.

“And we have to tell at least Andrew. He would kill me if something got out without him knowing about it.”

“He is going to hate me for life,” I sigh sadly, shutting my eyes closed. He runs his hand up and down my arm soothingly.

“Hey, don’t worry. Andrew is a smart guy, he doesn’t hold a grudge for nothing. And as I said, I was there too when…” His other hand gently slips under my sweater to my stomach. “When this baby thing happened. You remember?”

His playful smile calms me a bit. I’m suddenly very aware of his warm palm on my stomach and it’s so strange, to think about the tiny baby in my stomach.

“Shawn?” I speak up after a few silent moments.

“Hm?”

“I’m scared.” My voice is just a dying whisper and the damn tears are flowing again from my eyes, I can’t help it. Startled from my sudden mood change he sits straight up so he can look into my eyes, he cups my face in his hands and runs hid thumbs across my cheeks.

“Don’t be. It’s going to be alright. I’m not letting you do this alone, okay?” I nod my head sniffing like a little child. “I know it’s very sudden and scary, but you are not alone. I’m here and we are in this together.”

Now I’m crying because he is the sweetest person alive. His kind and soothing words comfort me like nothing on the world and even though this is a shitty situation I’m still happy I get to do this with him.

“I just… Don’t feel like I’m ready for this,” I choke out shaking my head.

“You will be ready for this when the time comes. I know we can make this work, okay? Just… don’t give up. We have someone else to think about now,” he lets out a small chuckle making me laugh through my tears.

Thanks to the emotional shock we both went through we doze out on the couch soon. When I open my eyes it’s already dark outside, meaning I spent almost half of the day napping with Shawn on his couch. His arms are hugging me protectively as he is spooning me from behind. I don’t want to wake him up, but one, I really have to pee and two, it’s time for me to leave, I don’t intend to spend the night here. Our situation doesn’t mean we are back on track.

I successfully peel myself out of his grip and make it to the bathroom. After quickly taking care of my business I check on him, he is still sleeping, now hugging a pillow to his chest. I take a moment to admire how peaceful he looks right now. No drama, no worries, just his angelic face that I still love so dearly.

As I feel myself getting emotional I turn away and grabbing my stuff I leave. I don’t call for Nick, I get a cab and head home.

I guess my message is clear to Shawn, he doesn’t call me that day. In the morning he texts me that he is picking me up at the café to go to the clinic and he also lets me know we are having a meeting with Andrew and Justin later, though I have no idea who Justin is. Definitely not Bieber.

Elisa is not home when I wake up, I’m thankful I don’t have to face her, she knows me too damn well and I know it would take one look and she would know something is off. I need more time to figure things out.

I have a beanie on and my scarf is covering half my face so I’m not recognizable. From my previous month spent with Shawn I expect him to be distant and moody after I left without a word yesterday, but I guess the situation is different now. I’m welcomed with a bright smile as I sit into the car.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks me kindly.

“Um, fine. I was a bit nauseous in the morning, but I’m better,” I sigh tiredly. I leave out the part where I spent ten minutes kneeling next to the toilet because I was pretty close to throwing up. “Who is this Justin we are meeting later?” I ask.

“Justin Stirling. He is in my team, he has been doing a lot of marketing stuff for me lately, but he was busy with family stuff last month.”

I nod my head noting the information. The rest of the car ride is spent in silence. I feel so strange, before this whole pregnancy drama Shawn was always the dominant one, especially because he was kind of my boss. But now he looks so lost and confused, my news yesterday must have thrown him over the edge. He is looking out for my every mood and it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

We make it into the clinic without anyone noticing us. This is definitely not how I imagined my first trip to the doctor when I become pregnant. It’s far from idyllic, I’m nervous, my hands are shaking so I hide them in my pocket, Shawn is like a jumpy kid, looking out for everything around us.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Hosier, please, come in,” the doctor greets us. She is a lovely middle-aged woman with a warm smile which is quite calming. We follow her into the room and while I sit up on the white bed Shawn takes place next to me. “So tell me, what do we know so far?” she asks as she is getting ready for my examination.

“Um, I’ve been late for about nine days now, in the past two days I’ve been feeling nauseous and I threw up once. I took a test and it came out positive.” I’m nervous to talk about it with Shawn right next to me, but I try not to think about it.

“Okay. Any pain maybe in the lower stomach?”

“No,” I shake my head.

Soon my pants and underwear comes off and I sit with my legs up while Dr. Hosier is facing my lower half. She keeps asking me questions, I just stare up at the ceiling and answer them like a robot. Shawn looks tensed as he is looking at the doctor.

“I’m going to do an ultrasound quickly,” she informs me she helps me put my legs down. I’m trying to breathe evenly as she pours some jelly on my stomach and starts roaming it with that… something. I don’t even know what these things are, this is how unprepared I am!

All three of us is staring at the screen that is filled with black and white void, I don’t see anything, but the Dr. Hosier freezes the picture and puts a circle around a teeny-tiny dot in the lower part of the image.

“Well, I have news. You are in fact pregnant, Miss Duvall and that little dot is the baby.”

I guess she can sense how unwelcomed the situation is, so she keeps her congrats to herself. She quickly tells me that we need to reserve another appointment soon, she talks about vitamins and useful information while I wipe my stomach clean and get dressed.

“Here, this is for you,” she tells me handing me an envelope. Opening it I see two copies of the ultrasound picture. I just thank her quietly wanting nothing more than to just finally leave the clinic. It is official now, I’m pregnant.

The realization hits me hard across my face as we walk out of the room and head to the car. Neither of us is talking, I’m scared, mad and desperate about the situation and I’m pretty deep in my thoughts when Shawn takes my hand and stops me before I could walk out of the building.

“Naya, let’s… talk for a minute, okay?”

I just nod my head as we sit down in two seats in the corner. No one is batting an eye at us fortunately.

“I, uh- I just wanted to tell you that… I know it’s scary and everything, and Andrew will probably explode when we tell him, but… I’m totally in.”

“In what?” I ask confused.

“In this. In us, in investing in this pregnancy. I want to be part of it, no matter how crazy things will get. And I guess I’m not saying anything new if I say I want us to… continue from where we were before things went downhill.”

“Things didn’t go downhill, our work came to its end and I did the logical thing.”

“But this is not work anymore. I want to give us a chance.”

I stare at him with mixed emotions. I don’t know what I want, I need time to figure out my next step. I have so much to worry about now that my feelings for Shawn must come second… or third… I’m more worried about what Andrew will say, how I’m going to work and what will people think if it ever gets out.

“I need time. It’s just too messy for me now. I’m sorry, but… I need to figure everything out.”

I can tell my answer doesn’t satisfy him, but he doesn’t protest. Pressing his lips together he nods shortly before we continue our way out of the clinic.

I’m shitting my pants when we reach the office complex where we are supposed to meet Andrew and Justin. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m sure it won’t be too pretty. Shawn tries to calm me telling me that it will be alright, but I know we are in trouble.

Shawn knocks on the door that has Andrew’s name on it and when we get the approval he opens the door.

“Ah, hey! I didn’t know you would be here too,” he immediately says when he sees me, confusion all over his face as he shakes hands with Shawn shooting him a questioning look. But he just ignores it and turns to the other guy in the room.

“Hey man, this is…” he starts gesturing at me, but he is not sure which name to use, so I step ahead and hold a hand out for Justin.

“I’m Naya. Hi.”

This is already over the work relationship I formed previously, my real name is justifiable. I see Andrew’s surprised face from the corner of my eyes and I know he is a smart guy, he must be putting the picture together slowly. But I bet he has no idea about the bomb we are about to drop onto him.

“Hey, Justin. Nice to meet you,” Stirling shakes my hand and soon we all take our places. Andrew is behind the desk, Justin is leaning against the bookshelf in the corner while Shawn and I are sitting in front of them.

“So, what is this meeting about?” Andrew questions. I turn to Shawn and he is already opening his mouth to answer.

“I have something to tell you, but I hope you won’t get mad. I just want you to listen to me.” Andrew nods and Shawn continues. “So… During the one month Naya and I kinda got cozy, if you know what I mean. In the last two weeks things escalated quickly, so it all took a romantic turn. But, um, w-we ended it when the month was over,” he adds and I’m staring at Andrew, trying to read his expressions, but I can’t. He is like a statue.

“Okay, go on, what is the problem?” he asks leaning back in his seat, but I have a feeling he already figured it out, because when he looks at me I can feel his eyes burning into my skin.

“We made a very reckless and immature mistake by… Um, we- we didn’t…” Shawn’s stuttering is getting under my skin, so I take a deep breath and just blurt it out.

“We didn’t use protection and I’m pregnant.”

The room falls silent, Andrew is staring at me, Shawn is staring at Andrew, Justin is staring at Shawn and I’m staring at the floor. The words felt heavy in my mouth and I’m afraid my heart is about to jump out of my chest.

After what feels like eternity, Andrew takes his glasses off pinching the bridge of his nose as he takes a few deep breaths. Once he places the glasses back he leans on the desk and finally speaks.

“Have you been to a doctor or you just did a test?” he asks in a calm, but distant tone.

“We went to the clinic together today. I was there, it’s one hundred percent,” Shawn answers for me.

“How many weeks are you?”

“It’s the fourth,” I mumble ashamed. Andrew’s questions are prim and strict, it all feels like an interrogation.

I look at Justin for the first time since Shawn started talking and his face looks blank, but I can tell his thoughts are racing, trying to figure out what to do with the situation.

“Okay, and what do you want?”

I furrow my eyebrows confused.

“What I want? I don’t understand it…”

“What do you want?” He repeats. “Money? Followers? A job? What do you want?”

“I don’t wa- You think I did this to get stuff from you or Shawn?” I ask realizing what this is about. Shawn’s first reaction was almost the same and now I’m definitely hurt. I never made them believe I’m a scheming bitch, why does everyone think I’m using them?

“Of course the thought crosses my mind, otherwise, how could you be so reckless to have unsafe sex?” he asks as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but it’s just making my blood boil.

“Andrew, it’s not-“ Shawn starts, but I cut him off.

“How dare you accuse me of being such a horrible person? You know nothing about me! Just because I work as an escort doesn’t mean I have such low life choices as getting myself knocked up by a client! You know what? It was a mistake to come here.” I grab my bag and throwing it on my shoulder I stand up, ready to leave. Everyone moves with me, Andrew and Shawn jump up and Justin takes a step towards me, all three of them to stop me, but the intentions are not the same. While Shawn wants me to stay because he cares about me, Andrew is just afraid is I slip out the door he can’t control the news anymore.

Shawn grabs my wrist and gently pulls me closer to him.

“Please don’t go, let’s talk.”

“You are not leaving without a confidentiality contract, no way you are walking out just like that,” Andrew growls and it’s just making it worse.

“You’re not making me do anything. I don’t need anything from you,” I spat at him and Shawn stands between us, as if he is afraid we would start a fist fight.

“Let’s calm down and talk, okay? Please!” he pleads, but behind him Andrew doesn’t seem too committed.

“I can’t deal with him if he is treating me like a bitch,” I say in a low voice, but the room is small, so everyone can hear it. Though I don’t care.

“Andrew, would you calm down? It was all an accident, she is not trying to ruin me,” he tells his manager turning to face him, but he is still holding my wrist.

I can tell Andrew is boiling inside, holding himself back not to throw the desk at me, and we are staring at each other like two hungry lions over the last piece of meat. Poor Shawn is standing in the middle, hoping he won’t have to pull us out of a fight anytime soon.

Then he takes a deep breath and nods.

“I’m sorry, but this was… quite shocking. I wasn’t expecting this.”

“I get it, it was a shocker for everyone, but let’s just talk about it, okay?” Shawn offers and I’m too tired and emotionally drained out to start a fight, so I nod my head agreeing.

We manage to sit back to our previous places and Justin stands right behind Andrew as we try to start it over again without the accusations and drama.

“I’m sorry for reacting so harshly,” Andrew starts, obviously thinking through his choice of words. “I’m just shocked, but of course, I don’t think you are trying to use Shawn. So… Let’s figure out what to do,” he offers and we all nod agreeing. “Was abortion ever an option?”

“No,” Shawn and I answer at the same time even though we never discussed it. Despite the difficulties of the situation I wouldn’t be able to abort this baby, it’s just impossible for me and I guess Shawn thinks the same way.

“Alright, then we need a strategy,” Andrew tells a bit more like to himself than to us as he is staring down at his desk. “Um… Are you guys…”

“Are you guys together now?” Justin asks speaking up for the first time in a while.

I see Shawn turning to me from the corner of my eyes, and his gaze is burning my temple as he is staring at me.

“It’s… it’s undefined. I have to figure a lot of stuff out.” I say feeling a bit guilty under their examining looks.

“But this is all joint now. Your decisions effect our work as well, I’m sorry, but you can’t just run free. Obviously, Shawn wants to take part in the baby’s life, so we have to work together. What stuff do you need to figure out?”

I feel awkward and anxious as I realize that he is right. I have to worry about myself, the baby and also consider Shawn as a third party, because he has the right to take part in this journey. I owe him honesty.

“I-I have to think about work, I need to talk to Joshua, because as soon as it gets visible I can’t work. But then I need money, because…” I don’t finish the sentence, I’m not ready to share my giant debts with them and listen to their pity. No way.

“Naya, I can support you financially. Let me help you out!” Shawn sighs obviously being over my shit, but I’m just too stubborn.

“No. That’s your money. I have my own problems to solve,” I protest.

“But I told you, we are in this together! I won’t just watch you struggle.”

“I can’t ask you to do me such a huge favor,” I shake my head staring down at my hands. I’m ashamed to admit how much debt I have to pay for every month.

“You’re not asking, I’m offering it.”

“Shawn stop!” I snap at him as I feel myself getting emotional again. “You have no idea how deep I’m in this shit! I inherited 1.2 million dollars of debts after my mom disappeared and left my number to everyone she was owing to, so now I’m paying thousands of dollars every month, because if I don’t, I might end up dead in a dumpster!”

My outburst is followed by total silence and my eyes are tearing up pretty quick. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, I never want people to know how much I struggle because of my own mother. She was a failure, never had a decent job so he paid for her debts by asking for more money from different people. Living this lifestyle for almost ten years can send you down the spiral, and when she disappeared after I moved out from her she left 1.2 million dollars worth of debt, forcing me to start working as an escort since this was the only job that offered me enough money each month to cover everything. I’ve paid back about half of the money by now, but I’m still coughing the rest every damn month. I was once late with paying, the next day two not too friendly guys showed up at my apartment and taught me a lesson with their fists. I never want to experience that. I scared the shit out of Elisa when she saw my black-eye.

“Can we… Can we have this conversation sometime later? I’m really not feeling good,” I say after a long time. I guess I shocked everyone with my outburst, they are all speechless. Shawn is the first one to recover after the scene.

“Um, Andrew how about we all have lunch tomorrow and talk about this? I think we all need some time to adjust the situation.”

I thank God for this offer, because I’m nauseous and anxious to sit here and talk about the future that involves a baby in my belly.

“It’s a great idea. Let’s just think about everything and come prepared the next time,” Justin nods agreeing and Andrew seems to be on the same page as well.

I put on my coat and keeping my gaze down I leave the office while Shawn exchanges a few words. I stop at the hallway waiting for him, chewing on my bottom lip I’m on the verge of crying once again. A few minutes later Shawn appears and seeing my long face he wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me to his chest and this is exactly what I need right now.

“How about we get some takeaway, go to my place, eat and… just chill. Hm?” He offers mumbling into my hair, running his hands up and down my arms soothingly. I just nod my head, I’m too weak and stressed to talk and though I know I shouldn’t be getting closer to him, I just can’t resist. I need his presence, I want him to tell me it’s going to be okay, I just need somebody.

No.

I need him.

I AM SHOOK ARE YOU SHOOK LETS ALL BE SHOOK no im just kidding I WROTE IT hahaha okay im done here bye

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