icantgetnosatisfaction

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

good times exists, u just dont want it

apparently ı do something wrong when it comes to relationships. apparently ı suck at anything relating to emotions. I make it hard for myself and for the people around me. I know that. I feel that. I question whether if ı actually enjoy some kind of suffering. There is one more thing I question nowadays. Do I like this one guy or not? I mean romantically. We have become close rapidly and I love spending time with him. He is so fun for real. I laugh almost all the time when I am with him, I told my friends how fun he is and how much I enjoy spending time with him. I didn't talk about him specifically but I told how happy and joyfully I feel when he is around me. Just a few days ago, a close friend of mine observed that I love him. Not just like a friend. And this makes my mind quite busy.

I care about him, I love him. I am happy when I am with him. Not necessarily romantically. I feel this situation is like back then just before the dating phase with my ex.

whether my attitude kind of changed towards him or not, I am not sure. I am concerned. I love our friendship and put much value on it. I will be sad if it goes bad.

I just know that ı care about him and quite want him in my life. And I don't want him to be sad. I love that he is joyful and fun. I care about him, I do care.

I feel really comfortable when ı am with him. I like this comfort. I don't wanna lose that.

To conclude, I dont know what he exactly represents for me but I value him a lot and I want us to spend time together. I have mixed feelings and I hope my attitude towards him won't be different than before in any sense of awkwardness.

Well, there is another possibility that its just a thought my friend put inside my head and ı overthink it. And I don't love him romantically at all.

I couldnt sleep

I lack sleep yet it aint enough to put me to sleep.

I aged in this last 4 months. I aged.

I wish I could love and be loved.

"And if you saw my love, You'd love her too"

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

pple wasnt important in the end

ı love you, since ı cant say it anymore to anyone, ı am just gonn write it down. I missed you so much. I am tired of looking for you in each people. I am tired of this coldness in my heart. My heart cant take it. it doesn't stop, whatever this is, it doesn't stop. I am gonna lose my mind soon enough, ı am gonna cut my veins so the pain leaves my body. Where are you? where are you, my love? where have u been, ı cant ask this right? Can I? You are right. I gotta stop crying ,ı better do, ı know that, ı really do. It just doesn't stop. it just doesn't end. I want to vomit. I want to puke so bad. like everything inside me.

I dont know. ı am not good. I am not good. My head hurts, my eyes hurts, my body hurts. I cant sleep unless I am tired as shit. I eat but they don't taste as good as they used to. I feel cold more than ever. I don't feel like ı used to feel. I don't want to live. I am pretending. I am pretending everything. I cant fake living, can I? I cant, I just cant. I don't stand this. I don't know when will ı get used to it. Will I ever get used to it. I loved u. I loved you so much.

you didnt know

I couldnt say.

now we are apart

torturing ourselves.

loudly beating my heart

shedding tears of my eyes

forgetten words in my head

yet you there with no clue

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Honour

Last friday, met him on the maths lecture. Had a lunch together, talked smoothly. He seemed like a nice guy.

On saturday night, we walked together at 11 pm, talked, kissed and hugged till 4am. It was really great.

On sunday, we met again around 7 8pm and walked in the same spot till 4am. Went a bit further sexually. And laid on a hammock, watched the sky, kissed, hug and got freaky. It was really sweet again. But on my way back to dormitory, I cried, no reason.

On monday which is today, I made him meet 2 friends of mine. My friends like the guy also he liked them back which is great. I met with his 3 close friends. That was nice too. Overall it was nice. And we meet again at late evening, walked for 30 mins.

I miss him, ı wanna hug him

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

feels like its been centuries from the last time ıve been here

its a question of lust

its a question of trust

.. depeche mode

So I dont really remember the last time Ive been here and I don't really think it matters so who cares.

I have been okay, still alive. I honestly dont know why. I guess I just live as I am used to.

I gotta earn money. I do need money, I hate that, I hate this system. I shall change it. I miss, wtf I am even saying.

I dont feel the best. I dont remember how ı felt overall. I am forgetting. I am gonna end this misery soon enough.

I start to feel something tho. Thats something. I be happy and be sad around a guy. A new level is unlocked. Finally.

I hope I love him. I need to love someone. I wont last long otherwise. How long can u stay still in emptiness.

I do act crazy, like a crazy person. I do, lost it. I do lost.

I am typing so randomly so I dont even get whatever ıve just written down here.

I am wasted. but so lets talk about this guy

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

He's gone

he's gone, more than ever. In any sense. Now, live with this fact.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Oh, I so hate it, to not to know. I hate it. I hate to doubt. I hate to be so desperate. Inside me doesn't stop bleeding. lt doesn't get cold.

Inside me doesn't get cold

I am all alone now. While all I seek is a whit of your care. But you don't see my eyes, the tears in the background And all those chilly nights.

I see you When I close my eyes Or when I don't close them I see you everywhere and anywhere

I see us laughing together Hugging each other I feel your hands caressing me Kissing me lightly.

I see your crying face, that I memorised Your smirk, that too. And your laughter, that I can't imitate as well as you There is nobody now, who makes your gestures.

You loved poems, unlike me You loved me too, somehow. You all gone now But then again, u were never really here

You came into my life and vanished, Such as a dream would do You made my day, my year, my life And now again you are gone

edit: 27.06.2024-01.37am- He is over you, his own words.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

soon enough, I will put this on a signboard. "Did he forget about me?" "Yes, he did"

Give up on him and move on

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

To read or to write

I am not sure if I should read poems or write here. I have a heartache nowadays, I had it for the last couple of weeks but It got worse nowadays. I am afraid I am afraid him to lose his love towards me. I know that I cant stop loving him easily but him ending his love towards me is scary, scary. Not being loved anymore is scary. Feeling pathetic and desperate, yet again seeking his familiar scent.

I guess the greatest feeling in the world is

being half naked

laying on the bed with bf and feeling beloved one's weighs on you

lastly smelling his beautiful neck

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

first time adding photos here, it was a chill and warm windy night

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

When it rains, it rains

it rains good. Peacefully, not all dark, yet you can still reach to see the light. Maybe a little bit depressive, but just a little bit and every drop of rain is a bit sad so that's fair. it falls silently. One by one. The sound of drops touching the windows is so sweet. Almost like a sleeping baby. Idk why. Everybody is asleep, nothing that can bother me. Well, maybe just old fashion watch

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Addiction

I thought about it quite often nowadays. I guess most of us are addicted. Football, religion, porn, social media, coffee, drugs...

How to fix a addiction?

First, you recognise it.

Second?

I dont know.

I cant understand how people can be so radical and excited about all this imaginary paradise hell stuff? Like, seriously.

I dont remember whose quote was it but I believe It was something like, " There are gods as many as the world population. Not even one but millions of gods exist in people's minds.

I thought everybody knew, I thought everybody knew it deeply inside. It was all a lie. All were just condolences. Bunch of people who are afraid of accepting or understanding reality. It is a major flaw, believing all this shit. Believing a lie is way more scarier than the reality. You just gotta face it. Then you are free. Those religions, they are fed by the seed of fear. Once you overcome it, You are free.

Then I guess it can be said that religion is one of the legal drugs that are approved by society. I don't like capitalism. Religions are capitalism. Capitalism is just a tool to provide demands. However society's demands are not logical nor healthy. We are no different than that lab rat which died while keep pressing to the bottom for fake dopamin and refused to eat. Again we ain't different. They play their games, while most enjoys the fake dopamin. It is actually kind of like brave new world, ı guess.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

is there anyone?

Is there anyone who isnt in the desprate need for love?

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

the clock tic-tocs. it runs out. it flows.

time goes by, yet we dont care.

It is the only think we have, yet we cant have.

Blank pages, blank pages, blank pages,

I can draw but I cant write down. I cannot put the words together.I doubt everything, yet I prefer to belive in people. I doubt myself, yet I be the most confident. I don't get it nevertheless I go on. I say okay to things I cant prosses.

butterflies> insects > spiders > his dislike of spiders

it is impressive how we can link all these unrelated things so fast.

If I get so many unrelated new memories in my core, I will link stuff with those instead of him. Thats it. I need new, different, distant memories.

I am having awful dreams. I am not gonna call em nightmares cuz I don't feel bad when l see them but Then u gonna ask me how come they are bad then. Well I kill people in my dreams, or beat them or I see, well, I see corpses. Honestly the dreams were kind of fun till the corpse. Beating, killing; it is kind of like an action movie yk. But anyway about the corpse. it wasn't just a corpse, it was a corpse of a child. Small one, maybe a girl, ain't sure and the corpse it was different like. ıt was damaged, there was a big slit next to the mouth and the slit itself was looking like dark bulked lips. So there were 2 mouths on its face someone would say. In the dream, I still felt alright but when I woke up, oh fucking hell. That felt dark and even cold. Thinking of all the details and the child. Fuck. And there was an axe somewhere, I just cant figure out how and where I saw it.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

this time I am here cuz I realised it feels good to write here

like l said, nothing to write here I have in mind...

Nowadays, we can check our crushes spotify or whatsapp state to stalk, I wonder how is it going to be 10 20 years later.

As a person, who doesnt have a good memory, its amazes me how fast human can forget. and even though (even though is a conjunction btw, even is adverb anyway) I have a bad memory, I still don't forget him or things about him.

He listens to radiohead, it breaks my heart. Thinking he is sad and away from me. Oh my, I cant think any worse combinations. I miss him. I wish he asked me what to wear tonight while we are going out.

I think I can forget him, I just need to date others. I mean like long term. Short term doesn't work as we can see.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

just stopping by casully

so ı was studying geometry and came to my mind: why do we talk shit about our ex crushes? We liked them at first but then the shame of rejection (ı guess) is heavier than the our first approval towards the other party. We ain't smart. Even the smartest ones, ain't so smart or wouldn't be considered smart in some other particular issues. Anyway that's wasn't the topic. U see we get distracted so easily. FYI I don't have ADHD xD. Thats a concern of all humanity at this century. cant deny that fact that it could have been different back to early ages. So if we go back to initial context, this deceiving situation is kind of fucked up. This was just an example but we def do the same thing in different ways about other things. I think we damn evolved to cheat ourselves. Not always, but for plenty of times yes. The logic behind this idea is I suppose "if u cant change it, change your mindset" Easier and effective. I would doubt if it is as pleaseable as changing the subject.

Anna

bepta

carla

bitte

(non audioable sounds)

I dont deny, If there was belief by myside for God or for any kind of religion I would feel safer? no lol. Maybe? It depends. Would I be happier? Def not. Would I be more honest? Def not. Would I fear less?no to that too. Would I care for life? Yes. Would I find this shit important, I mean living? probably yes.

Yes, I know I am an animal having questions, suffering, crying, whining, hoping. "Heavens don't know I am miserable now."

My memory is awful. I was gonna write about a specific context here but then I was like maybe I already done that lol. I give u another one.

I am gonna deceive my brain

Guten Morgen

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Sweetness

How come music can sound sweet and I like it? Funny to think. Honoured to tell you that I kind of do have a routine now. As you know, I am continuing my studies. There is only 3 months left. However unfortunately I couldn't do the progress that I aimed. I feel like such a fool because of being so distracted and dealing with other things.

When you think of many problems at the same time, you don't think actually any of them.

I have been daydreaming a lot. This shouldn't be normal.

I must study. I will win this time. I just gotta take the control. my dear conscious better be not a slave of my instant desires anymore.

I have an idea. Gonna start to do it tomorrow for the next 3 months.

I can do it.

I know

I will do it.

u lose when u stop beliving.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

when will ı let it go

My heart aches. And It seems I dont get how it can go this further. I genuinely wonder when I will stop crying. When this feeling of nausea end.

I loved him so much, so much. I cant explain it. it definetly was not needed. It wasnt healthy. Thats kinf of love.

I dont get why ı feel bad and even crying. He is alive, he is okay, doing allright. That should be enough. I acknowledge that there was not much to do. It was gonna happen anyway. I guess I cant accept it. That it just ended abruptly. Worse than a paper cut. I cant even wish to forget him. I cant do this. I love those memories of him. I am such a coward for that.

there is something wrong with me. I dont know how to react normally. Like how do you love normally, how do you talk normally, how do you listen, smile, miss normally? How do you forget normally? How does that work.

I love you baby