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[icantgetnosatisfaction]

He's gone

he's gone, more than ever. In any sense. Now, live with this fact.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Oh, I so hate it, to not to know. I hate it. I hate to doubt. I hate to be so desperate. Inside me doesn't stop bleeding. lt doesn't get cold.

Inside me doesn't get cold

I am all alone now. While all I seek is a whit of your care. But you don't see my eyes, the tears in the background And all those chilly nights.

I see you When I close my eyes Or when I don't close them I see you everywhere and anywhere

I see us laughing together Hugging each other I feel your hands caressing me Kissing me lightly.

I see your crying face, that I memorised Your smirk, that too. And your laughter, that I can't imitate as well as you There is nobody now, who makes your gestures.

You loved poems, unlike me You loved me too, somehow. You all gone now But then again, u were never really here

You came into my life and vanished, Such as a dream would do You made my day, my year, my life And now again you are gone

edit: 27.06.2024-01.37am- He is over you, his own words.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

soon enough, I will put this on a signboard. "Did he forget about me?" "Yes, he did"

Give up on him and move on

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

To read or to write

I am not sure if I should read poems or write here. I have a heartache nowadays, I had it for the last couple of weeks but It got worse nowadays. I am afraid I am afraid him to lose his love towards me. I know that I cant stop loving him easily but him ending his love towards me is scary, scary. Not being loved anymore is scary. Feeling pathetic and desperate, yet again seeking his familiar scent.

I guess the greatest feeling in the world is

being half naked

laying on the bed with bf and feeling beloved one's weighs on you

lastly smelling his beautiful neck

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

first time adding photos here, it was a chill and warm windy night

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

When it rains, it rains

it rains good. Peacefully, not all dark, yet you can still reach to see the light. Maybe a little bit depressive, but just a little bit and every drop of rain is a bit sad so that's fair. it falls silently. One by one. The sound of drops touching the windows is so sweet. Almost like a sleeping baby. Idk why. Everybody is asleep, nothing that can bother me. Well, maybe just old fashion watch

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Addiction

I thought about it quite often nowadays. I guess most of us are addicted. Football, religion, porn, social media, coffee, drugs...

How to fix a addiction?

First, you recognise it.

Second?

I dont know.

I cant understand how people can be so radical and excited about all this imaginary paradise hell stuff? Like, seriously.

I dont remember whose quote was it but I believe It was something like, " There are gods as many as the world population. Not even one but millions of gods exist in people's minds.

I thought everybody knew, I thought everybody knew it deeply inside. It was all a lie. All were just condolences. Bunch of people who are afraid of accepting or understanding reality. It is a major flaw, believing all this shit. Believing a lie is way more scarier than the reality. You just gotta face it. Then you are free. Those religions, they are fed by the seed of fear. Once you overcome it, You are free.

Then I guess it can be said that religion is one of the legal drugs that are approved by society. I don't like capitalism. Religions are capitalism. Capitalism is just a tool to provide demands. However society's demands are not logical nor healthy. We are no different than that lab rat which died while keep pressing to the bottom for fake dopamin and refused to eat. Again we ain't different. They play their games, while most enjoys the fake dopamin. It is actually kind of like brave new world, ı guess.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

is there anyone?

Is there anyone who isnt in the desprate need for love?

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

the clock tic-tocs. it runs out. it flows.

time goes by, yet we dont care.

It is the only think we have, yet we cant have.

Blank pages, blank pages, blank pages,

I can draw but I cant write down. I cannot put the words together.I doubt everything, yet I prefer to belive in people. I doubt myself, yet I be the most confident. I don't get it nevertheless I go on. I say okay to things I cant prosses.

butterflies> insects > spiders > his dislike of spiders

it is impressive how we can link all these unrelated things so fast.

If I get so many unrelated new memories in my core, I will link stuff with those instead of him. Thats it. I need new, different, distant memories.

I am having awful dreams. I am not gonna call em nightmares cuz I don't feel bad when l see them but Then u gonna ask me how come they are bad then. Well I kill people in my dreams, or beat them or I see, well, I see corpses. Honestly the dreams were kind of fun till the corpse. Beating, killing; it is kind of like an action movie yk. But anyway about the corpse. it wasn't just a corpse, it was a corpse of a child. Small one, maybe a girl, ain't sure and the corpse it was different like. ıt was damaged, there was a big slit next to the mouth and the slit itself was looking like dark bulked lips. So there were 2 mouths on its face someone would say. In the dream, I still felt alright but when I woke up, oh fucking hell. That felt dark and even cold. Thinking of all the details and the child. Fuck. And there was an axe somewhere, I just cant figure out how and where I saw it.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

this time I am here cuz I realised it feels good to write here

like l said, nothing to write here I have in mind...

Nowadays, we can check our crushes spotify or whatsapp state to stalk, I wonder how is it going to be 10 20 years later.

As a person, who doesnt have a good memory, its amazes me how fast human can forget. and even though (even though is a conjunction btw, even is adverb anyway) I have a bad memory, I still don't forget him or things about him.

He listens to radiohead, it breaks my heart. Thinking he is sad and away from me. Oh my, I cant think any worse combinations. I miss him. I wish he asked me what to wear tonight while we are going out.

I think I can forget him, I just need to date others. I mean like long term. Short term doesn't work as we can see.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

just stopping by casully

so ı was studying geometry and came to my mind: why do we talk shit about our ex crushes? We liked them at first but then the shame of rejection (ı guess) is heavier than the our first approval towards the other party. We ain't smart. Even the smartest ones, ain't so smart or wouldn't be considered smart in some other particular issues. Anyway that's wasn't the topic. U see we get distracted so easily. FYI I don't have ADHD xD. Thats a concern of all humanity at this century. cant deny that fact that it could have been different back to early ages. So if we go back to initial context, this deceiving situation is kind of fucked up. This was just an example but we def do the same thing in different ways about other things. I think we damn evolved to cheat ourselves. Not always, but for plenty of times yes. The logic behind this idea is I suppose "if u cant change it, change your mindset" Easier and effective. I would doubt if it is as pleaseable as changing the subject.

Anna

bepta

carla

bitte

(non audioable sounds)

I dont deny, If there was belief by myside for God or for any kind of religion I would feel safer? no lol. Maybe? It depends. Would I be happier? Def not. Would I be more honest? Def not. Would I fear less?no to that too. Would I care for life? Yes. Would I find this shit important, I mean living? probably yes.

Yes, I know I am an animal having questions, suffering, crying, whining, hoping. "Heavens don't know I am miserable now."

My memory is awful. I was gonna write about a specific context here but then I was like maybe I already done that lol. I give u another one.

I am gonna deceive my brain

Guten Morgen

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

Sweetness

How come music can sound sweet and I like it? Funny to think. Honoured to tell you that I kind of do have a routine now. As you know, I am continuing my studies. There is only 3 months left. However unfortunately I couldn't do the progress that I aimed. I feel like such a fool because of being so distracted and dealing with other things.

When you think of many problems at the same time, you don't think actually any of them.

I have been daydreaming a lot. This shouldn't be normal.

I must study. I will win this time. I just gotta take the control. my dear conscious better be not a slave of my instant desires anymore.

I have an idea. Gonna start to do it tomorrow for the next 3 months.

I can do it.

I know

I will do it.

u lose when u stop beliving.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

when will ı let it go

My heart aches. And It seems I dont get how it can go this further. I genuinely wonder when I will stop crying. When this feeling of nausea end.

I loved him so much, so much. I cant explain it. it definetly was not needed. It wasnt healthy. Thats kinf of love.

I dont get why ı feel bad and even crying. He is alive, he is okay, doing allright. That should be enough. I acknowledge that there was not much to do. It was gonna happen anyway. I guess I cant accept it. That it just ended abruptly. Worse than a paper cut. I cant even wish to forget him. I cant do this. I love those memories of him. I am such a coward for that.

there is something wrong with me. I dont know how to react normally. Like how do you love normally, how do you talk normally, how do you listen, smile, miss normally? How do you forget normally? How does that work.

I love you baby

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

sometimes

I listen to a melancholic melody and my mouth suddenly goes like "I miss him". maybe not even a melancholic melody but more like a slow piano talking quietly, almost hiding things. or no, thats not the piano. thats apparently me. Piano cries for the violin.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

I dont like saying can't

I cant swallow. My throat feels weird when I do. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat. Aside that, its good. Feels like I am gonna chock if I swallow. Lovely. Wanna die a little. It would be nice. I know I will do it one day, I just dont know if i will be able to live long enough to see that.

people are mammals. mammals are animals. So pple are animals. animale, plural from could be animali? I dont know.

I remember people with their music recommendations, they last in my memories as good as the music last in my mind. Thank you all. I appreciate these songs. Great joy that gives me.

I am not okay.

Not in any sense.

But thats okay.

I am aware of the problem, I acknowledge it.

So its okay

no its not

no its not

something missing

somethings

I need you to forget first so I can do the same.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

I can get no satisfaction

I can get no satisfaction. Indeed. Also a good song.

Now I think of it, my life. Damnn. I live a weird life. indeed. I aint special but I surprise pple so does life towards me.

I shouldnt keep living this way. I realised that a few mins ago while trying lift my asses a bit higher and higher so that the vaginal tablet I inserted a moment ago dissolves inside and doesnt flow back around of my vulva. Why? Cuz I got an infection. How? Not sure. I fucked with two different guys in 3 days so no clue which one transmitted it to me lol. Or maybe the case even could be that I took it from a public wc. Who knows. ı went to damn gynecologist to get some pills but it turned out to be that ı have some fucking cists on my ovaries. Not only one, but two. Thats okay, although ı didnt have any symptoms to have one. Neat ha? Well, during this period, I actually thought I got hıv or hpv from a guy, I coulndt even fucking have sex with. AAHAHHAAH. Yes, that right. He fucking couldnt manage to fuck me but a little bit contact is enough to transmit a damn virus. Luckily, I worried for nothing. Was negative for good for once. What elsee, oh so because of the cyst I cant really have sex. It can be problematic and ı dont have time to deal with that anyway. Gotta study. So that ı can get into a damn university far from my town. Thats the easy part tho. At least ı got the instructions and doing it without caring much. I need to figure out what to do after this phase. This long, boring, dull face. I am so sick of going to hospitals. I hate it. I may hate many things. or hate is a strong word. maybe should say "dislike"? yep that works. I dislike many things. About my health, its even way more fucked up but I am too lazy to write it down here so screw it.

It came to my mind today, out of clock, How often do we think about other people and not about ourselves? I dont mean to sound like implying anything or scolding, but seriously? How often do we think about other people? Friends, exes, family members, the pretty girl on the bus, crushes, teachers? All the people somehow related to our life experince but not ourselves. How many percentage goes to us and how much left to others? How much is considered healthy and what are right measures for it? %50 to %50 or %70 us to %30 for others, or the reverse? I think ıts more normal if we think more about ourselves and less about others. Although I dont think our thoughts, our comments, our words are mostly about us. I think what we do mostly judging, evaluating , cutting into pieces, chipping others and hanging whats left to our wall, mind. And play them in the background lol

Honestly, We dont think of ourselves. consciouslyü, like ever. almost never. we try to understand people actions and try to read their words but do we ever think why do we do what to we do? or how do we do what to we do? or why do we do how do we do? We dont really think most of the times. Think of the moments, u spoke or made an action with a further thought behind it. Even most of those are habits or reflexes. I tell you you became what u are and yet you are still the same. including myself. Continue to think what others saying, doing, going so you forget your pathetic life. I aint rude my friends, just move your ass, dont peek on peoples asses, mind your fucking business.

[icantgetnosatisfaction]

20th

ıts been almost a month. I have been going t hospitals a lot nowadays and yes, still no schedule there is that I follow.

I met somebody. I didnt really met tho, but I talked to him, had several dialogs. He was a nice man. It feels such a shame I didnt get to interact with him anymore since he deleted his account. Well, He was a kind, sensetional, intellectual, funny guy. Havent seen him, no clue. He had a distinguish voice tho. Heard it in the group chat. He liked poetry, He written some. He had a good music taste. I felt he would be a nice person to hang out in real life. Yet, he is not even on the app anymore. I dont like this feeling. The feeling you lost something good. Like that time I met that friendly and pretty girl on a cosmetic shop. I should have gotten her number. Damn it. It feels like similar. Anyway I dont know why I told about this so much.

In the last month, I hanged out witch friends a few times. Meet a new guy. Sang the godfather theme music with whistles. It was nice. both of us werent really good at it. What else... Well, I almost had a sexting phone call with a horny german turkish guy who has guilty a conscious about masturbation. I still cant manage to fucking study. I think I am a moron. Undisciplined af. I wasnt supposed to be like this. It wasnt supposed to be that way. Everything was not meant to be.

There is no fate, no higher will. Nothing was meant to be. Maybe not even that. EVERYTHING IS SO, SO DAMN RANDOM. JUST RANDOM. Yet, We think there is a meaning behind all this shit.

There is a cause behind everything. But cause doesnt mean reason. Causes arent the reasons. Two complete different things. Thats the fault. We think causes are the reasons. No. You were born cuz your dad fucked with your mother. Thats a cause but not a fucking reason why you exist. We dont even know all the causes, how to get the reasons?

I am an anime trapped in an animal body. Living through between 2 madness. Mental and physical. Cursed in between. Obliviousness and happiness are only drugs

Lastly, russian novels doesnt help. Make sufferer suffer even more. Not in bad way tho. In a poetic way.