#I dont have much that isnt deeply uncomfortable for other people to hear (about her and idk. in general about my past)

[faggylittlenuisance]

ah. well. recurring motif spotted. I thought I was dealing just fine but it turns out I've been masking a lot of pain from even myself! time to change my theme music to a minor key I guess

[ludinusdaleth]

i agree! it's very frustrating that so many people insist it's "ludinus is right, kill them all!" versus "they're all 100% good"

im glad to hear the support, anon. i feel like the cr fanbase has gotten more into theorizing & meta this campaign than last, which im deeply happy about, but i feel like it's come at a cost of not many actually.... analyzing well, beyond their own biases, which is vital.

something interesting to me is how i feel like the very story of c3 itself is partly about how vasselheim is so utterly focused on ludinus as a threat (which, he is undoubtedly one) that they have repeatedly enforced worse & failed in their efforts against him (literally occupying & preparing to obliterate marquet via airship just to get to him and getting eviscerated, kiro's rage about ludinus making her accuse orym of being with him which leads to our current mess). continually vasselheim refuses to assist or care for any other country or party that isnt wholly aligned to their goal. meanwhile in similar nature, the fandom is so completely sure that lud is a liar & a loser that anyone with an idealogy a few degrees south of his is seen as a threat instantly - the fanbase is so mad that this campaign is "anti god" that they're missing the most poignant pro faith statements characters have because they aren't paladins in shining armor plunging a spear into da'leth praising bahamut as they do so - but rather common-people as they try to embrace faith despite trauma & actual godkilling times. and it's at times frankly deeply uncomfortable, considering the characters deemed threats & whose views on faith have been cast aside have been deanna & frida (who have absolutely been treated weirdly to points of racism to their actors), & pagan natives oppressed by what matt outright stated were missionaries.

but in the same uncomfortability zone are people so consumed by their own personal biases with very obvious culturally christian religious trauma (i say this as someone with it too) that they cannot realize ludinus is partially metaphor for everyone who escapes christianity, thinks they're superior for it, but never for a moment unpacks the colonialist doomsday mindset that came with it. i admit i see this far less than the other side, so i dont see it as so much of a concern, but when i do it is unsettling - ludinus is so clearly showcasing far right tactics of alienation & preying on trauma to get people to join his cult, and real people are falling for it. matt has said that religion & art are connected & vital - when aeor fully stepped away from religion it became almost artless. you cannot strip something so important to humanity's core away because of your own experiences - your personal trauma is important but does not mean your bigotry or bias is justified and i feel that message is radiant in c3.

i think this campaign poses some of the most interesting questions on forgiveness & responsibility because, while it's impossible not to draw similarities in how mortals deal with religion, the exandrian pantheon itself cannot be viewed through our world's lens. the gods were warlords who nuked an entire city (that was fighting amongst itself!) to nothing because a few mages posed a threat to them. but afterwards they receded, & locked themselves away. what does that say about them? what does it mean now? do they deserve to be saved? does art surpass its creators? i want to explore these themes so much, and i love that campaign 3 is trying to in vibrant ways - i just hate that so few people want to embrace it & the changes to the fictional world that will come with it, because it's impossible to look past our own noses & embrace more than our own perspective even regarding fiction.

[misslolasynastry]

Celebrity Synastry Analysis

Married at First Sight - Season 13

Ryan and Brett

Couples' Synopsis 🗯: Brett (yes her name is Brett) is a more liberal pop-chic, glamour, outgoing type of woman. Ryan is conservative, country music, outdoorsy, camo hunter, introverted guy. So far up to episode 11, they arent really into each other but they get along okay. You can tell that there isnt much of a spark, yet they still participate in activites. First day of the wedding, they were like oil and water as Brett felt uncomfortable with Ryan's lifestyle and views as she grew up in a more socially relaxed upbringing. Ryan is more quiet and soft spoken so although he peeps things he doesn't say much. Brett leads most of their activities together and although she is aware of their differences she's modest and optimistic about it. They dont argue theyve just sorta accepted how different they are and casually press on. They look more like coworkers that dont talk much. Ryan has gone on to say that he doesnt feel a connection with Brett and so he doesnt put in much effort toward the relationship. I created a poll amongst fans asking if they think Ryan's lack of connection is valid OR should he try more to make it work as Brett does? The results were 55% with 75 participants leaning towards them just not being a good fit. I agree in that regard.

Below is an example I give for basic synastry clients. One thing astrology doesnt account for is having a connection, as 2 people can be completely incompatible yet still crave each other in a love/lust way. Ive also seen couples that had highly compatible charts but they werent interested in each other. However, despite lacking a natural bond, theyre more likely to come to appreciate one another over time due to how naturally smooth things are. Synastry is more for analyzing the differences in 2 persons' behaviors and personality, as well as how they interact with each other. Youre able to see where you disconnect and where you have similarities. I do them for couples, family members, and best friends.

🌞 Sun - Leo * Scorpio

Represents what each person takes pride in and is the core of their personality. They are incompatible here because they view life and take pride in very different things. Their Suns also create a square aspect which intensifies how polar they are. Leo Suns are more extroverted and take pride in the joys of life, creativity, romance, independence, and things that encourage spontaneity and challenge. Scorpio on the other hand is a deeply emotional intimate sign, as an empath are often more introverted in relationships and prefer a slow and steady intensity. Scorpio is also more a codepenent sign as they feel at their best an most powerful when theyre in charge and can command change in their surroundings. This doesnt work very well with an independent Leo Sun as both of them are fixed (stubborn) signs, one emotional/sensual and the other more playful/fiery. You could see this on their wedding day as Brett felt out of place while Ryan couldnt figure out why Brett couldnt just let go and enjoy the moment.

🌛 Moon - Virgo * Cancer

Represents how each handles emotions, feelings, the way they feel nurtured and nurture others. They have compatible moon signs as their zodiacs are both introverted, sensual, slow and steady, as well as sensitive. Virgo moons are the organizing perfectionists so they tend to pick apart everything they sense and how theyre feeling. As an earth sign theyre very grounded but at the same time are constantly trying to perfect their relationships with others. If youre paying attention to the little details, they will love you for it. Cancer moons are the motherly type and at times codependent because if they care for someone they will try to protect and "mother" them. As an empath they are very sensitive to the feelings of others and do things to try to keep the peace. Because both are introverted, slow paced, and sensitive emotionally this pairing works well. You can see as Brett and Ryan are talking that they feel comfortable with each other especially when sharing their feelings.

🗣 Mercury - Cancer * Libra

Represents the way you communicate, process information, and the key to what goes on in a person's head. They are incompatible here because they process information and communicate very differently. There is also a square aspect which indicates being more prone to misunderstandings as well as having alternate viewpoints on many topics. Those who watch the show can see that they have very different social lives and beliefs. Cancer is more sensitive, family based, an emotional speaker, and empath. Cancers are in a way more dreamy and poetic conversators. They are sensitive to the things others say and fear hurting other's feelings as well as hearing harsh words. Libra is more intellectual, analytical, extroverted, and social. Librans are peacekeepers and enjoy light hearted fun conversation, they arent afraid of blunt direct speaking but dont take well to conflict. However in ways both individuals are people pleasers as these zodiacs feed off the other person, in order to respond in a way they think is acceptable. Ryan prefers a communication style thats more emotional poetic and intimate, while Brett wants someone to joke with and is engaging to have a good time. They dont really talk much and as you can see, Brett engages him more than the other way around. Ryan doesnt feel emotionally connected so often opts out of conversation unless its deep.

💝 Venus - Libra * Sagittarius

Represents your creativity, romance style, inspiration, and foreplay. They are compatible in this area as both zodiacs enjoy this more light and fun essence when doing different activities together. Libra Venus tends to love social activities and things that bring a bit of challenge in to the mix, having a peaceful loving relationship is important to them. Sagittarius is the spontaneous optimistic adventurer, enjoying someone they can grow with and exchange ideas. And because both are able to let go and have fun, theyre able to spend time with each other despite differences. You can see this in the show as both Brett and Ryan still participate in activities together while other couples struggle more.

😡 Mars - Capricorn * Libra

Represents the way you respond to conflict, what motivates you, and the style of sex you prefer. They are incompatible in this planet as they resolve conflict in very different ways. Capricorn the fatherly hardworking zodiac can be more withdrawn and stern, seeking to take some time to calm down before trying to resolve things. They approach conflict by way of hardwork, discipline, structure, conservatism and law. Capricorn Mars play by their rules on whats right and wrong and can have a traditional stance on things. They can get emotional and defensive of what they deem to be law. Libras dont mind approaching conflict head on, because when resolving they tend to remove emotions and analyze the situation. Theyre considered the best judges of the zodiac due to their ability to find balance and bring harmony. However, Libra Mars can be people pleasers and kinda passive about things. If they feel the other is uncompromising they will withdraw. Although Ive never seen them argue, I can predict that Ryan is more on the sensitive side and very matter of fact, while Brett may attempt to get her point across then cave-in once Ryan is noticeably uncomfortable. Although they may be able to trigger each other in the mood by way of Venus, Capricorn mars prefers more slow and steady lovemaking, while Librans like things more fast paced and fun in the bedroom. Im willing to bet that Ryan enjoyed Tantric yoga more than Brett did.

When it comes to aspects traditionally I would break down them all, but when first looking at someone's chart in a basic synastry standpoint, I analyze longevity factors first. Such as aspects to Saturn, Pluto, North Node, and at times Juno. But to keep this shorter, I'll stick to the 3 major aspects. Conjunctions, Trines, Squares

😇 Saturn Trine North Node - support each others growth through maturity and discipline

👥Saturn Conjunct Uranus -traditionalist vs nonconformist, the unexpected and practical nature of each other is beneficial, but feelings of restriction or unpredictability can crumble the relationship

💣Saturn Square Moon - saturn sees moon as overly sensitive while moon feels restricted. It grows worse over time as each feel misunderstood, its up to Saturn to reconcile this issue by being more attentive.

😇Pluto Trine Sun - encourges confidence, positivity, and has a transforming effect on each partner, mostly Sun

😇Pluto Trine Jupiter - optimism remains through difficulty which allow both to persevere through challlenges

😇Pluto Trine North Node - pluto has the ability to transform and empower North Node on their path to success

💣Pluto Square Lilith - good intentions can get lost in the mix as pluto person attempts to transform liliths obvious struggles

😇North Node Trine Mercury - Mercury stimulates North Node's intellect regarding their purpose and karma in unexpected ways.

👥North Node Conjunct Jupiter - optimism and a sense of purpose motivates each other. This can help them succeed in things they do together.

💣North Node Square Neptune - the future of the relationship can be very cloudy, they may seek to look at each other for inward healing and North Node will lose patience for it all

💣North Node Square Venus - indicates differences in where each person wants the relationship to go, Venus prefers lighthearted fun and romance while North Node takes their path more serious.

📒 Final Thoughts: Based on their compatibility and aspects, there isnt much spark or longevity between them. And they may never quite align for that reason. They could attempt to work through these problems but for a lack of connection on Ryan's end, hes less likely to try to make it work. Brett is at least open to it but having different lifestyles and alternative desires for a relationship will make it hard to move forward. This is why having a mutual connection is so important in a relationship because both partners at least have that glue to try and make differences work. The only thing theyve got going for each other is the ability to understand each other's emotions and have a good time. But when examining aspects, Ryan still views Brett as overly sensitive and not disciplined in her reactions. Even if they did press on with their relationship, they may still find it dull, just based on the lack of fun aspects in their synastry chart.

🧜🏽‍♀️ For inquiries regarding synastry charts please visit my profile introductory post, email misslolasynastry@gmail, or shoot me a message. If you'd like me to analyze a celebrity couple im open to doing so as long as you have both birthdays on hand. I can also analyze family members as well.

[petewentzisblack1312]

hey dils!! was listening to sunshine riptide and thought of u so i wanted to say i hope ur taking care and also ask if u have any favorite fob videos/interviews?? lately i have been obsessed w the promo video patrick did for the honda civic tour where he drove around LA and said the only reason they got the tour was because he already drove a civic ahsjdbd

first of all it is SO flattering that listening to sunshine riptide made you think of me 🥺

secondly i was molded out of clay to answer this question, 100% i have a lot that i think about like way too often

the one where petes giving a tour of his parents house where he lived at the time and was showing off his stuff and was particularly very excited about the fact that his band was turned into action figures and then half way through andy shows up and is like "were best friends forever!" and petes like "yeah andy comes over for sleepovers a lot, we hang out in my basement and make zines and stuff" and then at the end he gets all excited cuz he hears his moms car pull up and he goes out and shes coming out of the car and then patrick gets out of the car carrying groceries and petes like "here mom me and patrick can put the groceries away you finish the interview" and shes like "no- pete i just got home from work im a mess" and hes like "what? no! no mom you look great, you can finish the interview well take in the groceries" and then she did and the camera crew came back to the two of them messing around and putting groceries away.

"pete wentz is honestly the only way to describe pete wentz. hes the most complicated guy i know." [cut to] "if anyone can make a strike without touching the lane i will pay you $300" *throws bowling balls straight into the air* *runs down the lane*

ok but in all seriousness i love that interview not only for that iconic moment but because later the footage is like blaring i dont care and pete goes and grabs a stuffed giraffe out of the prize thingie and hes like "what do you mean :)? we bought this with our tickets!!" and the editors are very much trying to make it a bad boy rebel without a cause moment except if you looked the woman behind the counter had a smile on her face and was laughing and then afterwards he gave it back and said "we werent really gonna steal it" but it really seemed like she knew that already

and then at a different point a couple fans showed up and they were all shy and excited to meet him and he was just like "hey are you guys coming to the show later" and they were like "yeah" and he was like "cool! thanks for coming out :) do you want a picture?" and they took a picture and it seemed like he was still kinda excited that people were excited to meet him. marcus (their bodyguard) was like trailing behind him and smiling and laughing throughout most of these antics and i just think thats sweet.

later in this same interview once again as they were on the ride back to their hotel or whatever theyd brought back a fake moustache and patrick put it on and did a bunch of dumb impressions.

patrick: if i wasnt doing music i think id be like a music critic or music journalist or something

andy:...i thought you said youd work at walmart

theres this one srar era interview thats just joe and patrick riffing for like 15 minutes. like it looks like they just straight up forgot the interviewer was there its so funny theyre such good friends.

this one joe and pete interview where i dont even really remember what they were talking about but theres a moment where joes talking about music with this intense passion and pete just kinda looks at him with this level of brotherly pride that keeps me going

this one andy and pete interview where 1) there were waterfowl chillin behind them which was deeply fascinating to andy and 2) they took a moment to swivel their chairs and hug each other bc theyre besties

band superlatives, specifically the moment where theyre all separately like "technically marcus isnt in the band but like. its marcus." bc that was sweet, unofficial 5th member of fob. and also "whos the most talented" "patrick. patrick. its patrick, hands down." "hm. petes like a really good soccer player" like thats a moment out of a fucking sitcom

halloween asmr with pete wentz. the man cant act but god can he commit to a bit.

there was this like live text chat that they all were in with fans on some radio station website. there were a lot of very fun moments, including joe saying "this is very current technology." as a comment on how very dated the live chat was and andy being like "can we set an icon i wanna change mine to an XVX" and pete and joe being like "oh are you vegan straight edge? we had no idea." and then pete was like "actually i wanna change my icon to andy hurley" and andy was like "no pete im not gonna send you a picture of me" and he was like :( and then a minute later he changed it to andy and he was like, and i swear this is almost a direct quote "BOOM! i love my life haha" and andy was like "goddammit" like i have no idea where to find this but it was so good.

theres this one "this or that" interview with joe and andy wherein the interviewer was a woman and like she seemed pretty at ease around them and got to the last question and imo seemed kinda uncomfortable and kind of established (in a way that seemed like she didnt usually do that) that it was a gross question, which was "would you have sex with a super hot celebrity but shes just died" and both of them were like "hey. what the fuck. absolutely not." and shes like "oh thats a first" and they are both like "do people say yes to that????????" and shes like "youre literally the first people to say no haha" in a way that made it seem that she did not find it funny and i just find that to be an interesting moment and i hope shes doing well and has a better producer now.

theres this one interview w andy on a hardcore podcast where the interviewer asks andy "do you every wish fall out boy were more political?" and he said (paraphrasing) "fall out boy is political, in its own way. we may not be as explicit with our politics as my other stuff, but kids find fall out boy, and through me, with all my other bands, or through joe, since he does a lot of metal, find heavier stuff, and are introduced to this stuff and to being vegan straight edge or anarchist or just more radical politics, and i dont think that just because we arent being super political in our music we arent a political band" which was really something to me bc i had just been thinking about that as a concept i call "gateway punk"

theres this one interview i recently found of a very small chicago music news outlet where a young lady interviewed pete and asked far more interesting questions than any other interviewer id ever seen and one such question was how he felt about the legalization of marijuana in illinois and he said that it was cool that it was legal but everyone locked up for it right now should be released and i like that he got to be political

theres a moment on the badass jew podcast episode joe was on where the interviewer whomst i do not recall was espousing some veiled antiblack sentiments wrt some antisemitic comments some famous black people had made and joe just completely rebutted it immediately and pointed out that black people not only are not a monolith bht are at a greater disadvantage

and also he made a joke that i could never make and cant fully get bc im not jewish but it was very funny and i love hearing people make jokes that arent for me.

this one interview before patrick had kids where he was saying how everyone kept asking him and elisa when theyd have kids and he was like "you cant just make that happen yknow? how do you just do that?" and pete immediately grinned and leaned over and mock whispered "you have sex" and patrick punched the air and was like "i hate you so much"

that one interview about abap where pete was like "we actually got the guy who did the whistles on patience by guns n roses to do it on this" and then he looks over at patrick and patrick shakes his head and petes like "you couldnt let me have this?" and he was like "i was gonna but then you looked at me and i just couldnt."

"whats the most important thing to you right now?"

patrick: star wars

joe: my daughter.

patrick: ...my son?

the puppy interview. everyone involved including the puppies was having the time of their goddamn life.

i have to stop this is too much its been like an hour

[negasonicimagines]

Gladdest (Soulmate AU)

For this, I’ll be using the soulmate AU where what happens to your soulmate’s body happens to you. I’m not sure who originally came up with this. Basically, how it works, is like, if your soulmate gets punched in the face, you feel like you’ve been punched in the face. If your soulmate dies, you don’t die, but you feel it. Same with broken bones, you’ll feel it, but your arm won’t actually be broken. But not just pain, other stuff. Like if your soulmate cries, you’ll feel it, but you don’t cry unless they’re super heartbroken, or if they get a really good hug you feel it, too. In my version of this AU, the pain and other feeling doesn’t start until you turn sixteen. Imagine how fucked up it would be if that wasn’t the case and you had a partner older than you? Like, while 13-year old Bill gets in a fight, his soulmate, who is only 3, feels the same punches and kicks. It’d be so fucked up.

warnings: nsfw (but no actual sex, just a lot of talking about it [and masturbation] and some sexually tense scenes), the reader nearly has a panic attack (again, i know, sorry. what can I say? I project), & reader has a thing for.... erotic asphyxiation. let me know if i missed anything.

I am very open to writing a part two with smut... I just chickened out with this because I felt it wouldn’t be good writing.

You’d been sixteen for a little while now, and there hadn’t been much contact from your soulmate aside from the occasional feel of a phone falling on your face and smacking it.

It’s the beginning of a new school year at Xavier’s, and you’re pretty thrilled. Your roommate this year is your best friend, Ellie. Okay, not just your best friend, she’s your crush, too. Do I really have to say, at this point?

“Hey,” she greets you, sounding rather sullen as she enters your dorm, where you sit on the edge of your bed.

“What’s up?” you ask.

“I turned sixteen over the summer and I haven’t felt anything to give me a hint. All my soulmate does is cry.”

“All my soulmate does is drop their phone on their face,” you offer a complaint in return, and the two of you lock eyes for a moment, one of realization.

“No,” Ellie says. “No.” She’s bright red, immediately thinking of just how many hot summer nights she was kept up, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, gasping for breath at the way her soulmate’s fingers curled just right, just fucking right. There’s no way you, her crush and her best friend, were that good.

“No, can’t be,” you agree.

“Could be,” she reminds you.

“It’d make sense,” you admit.

“I hate everyone else but you.”

“We could try to find out,” you suggest.

She pinches herself.

“Ow! Not like that!” You whine, clutching at your arm. “Oh, well, I guess it’s too late th-” Ellie cuts you off with her eyes alone.

“Where does all that energy come from, Y/N?! What are you, the Energizer bunny?! At least three times a night, every night! What the hell?!”

You blush deeply, scratching the back of your neck. You hadn’t exactly expected you’d meet your soulmate anytime soon, or that they’d be bold enough to comment on your habits.

“I dunno, I thought it was normal for kids our age…” you mumble.

“Oh, yeah, well some people like sleeping and not screaming into the pillow because their soulmate has a little too much fun doing the five finger shuffle!”

“Please, louder. I think a few people in Antarctica didn’t hear you,” you retort, looking up at her from where you were sitting with a challenging expression.

“We’ve been friends for all this time and I never knew what a horny bastard you are,” she remarks.

“Well, I’m not the one who was ‘screaming’ in pleasure,” you mutter.

“I heard that!” she says, her expression still adorably indignant.

“If you hated it so much, you should’ve just got those over the counter meds, Antifel or whatever.”

“I- I…” She sighs. “Yeah, I didn’t hate it that much,” she admits, and you smile a bit. “But I wasn’t a fan of the choking,” she adds, gesturing at your scarf, your favorite one that she never would’ve guessed hides the bruises from where you’ve choked yourself with a belt, at least not before. “I’m more of a choker than a ‘chokee’, but, I guess that’d be obvious, wouldn’t it? Considering we’re soulmates and all.”

You nod, your eyes now on your lap, the floor, her tee shirt, the lamp in the corner, anything that isn’t her eyes, and she smirks.

“Oh, so now you’re shy?”

“A little,” you quietly reply, and she sits next to you on your bed.

“Let’s cool down,” she offers. “We’ve just seen each other after months of purely texting and the occasional phone call.”

“Thanks,” you respond, finding it easier to breathe.

“Why were you crying so much?” Ellie asks, addressing her original observation.

“Just depressed and lonely and stuff. I don’t have friends in my hometown, not like you.”

“You’ll always have me,” she says. “I mean it.”

“I’d hope so, soulmate,” you laugh off the seriousness of the conversation, and she sighs, looking to your eyes with her own soulful ones.

“I’m glad it’s you,” she tells you.  “I don’t think I’d be able to stand anyone else.”

“Yeah, right!” you huff out a laugh, confused at her sudden emotional openness. Sure, she was more honest about her feelings with you than anyone else, but that didn’t mean that she was a completely open book. Who was?

“You’re not disappointed, are you?” Ellie wonders because of your remark.

“God, no! I- I actually have a really big crush on you,” you admit.

“Yeah?” she asks, the cutest little grin on her face, you know the one. “I have a crush on you, too.”

You blush again.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m not very good at flirting or anything like that. I don’t really care about much of anyone at all, and you’re definitely the only person I’ve really cared about in a romantic way, so…”

“No, it’s not that! I- You- You being really good at flirting is what’s got me like this. And the fact that I’m a dork who’s really bad at flirting contributes,” you explain.

“I am? Good at flirting, I mean.”

“Well, with me, at least,” you tell her.

“Um… Sorry if it’s lame to ask, but… Can I kiss you?”

“Of course! And it’s not lame to ask at all, El, I appreciate it actua- Mmf!”

You could live forever in the feeling of her lips on yours, her hands oh-so carefully holding your cheeks.

“Sorry,” she shyly says, as she slowly pulls away from you, looking in your eyes. “I’ve just been wanting to do that for a really, really long time. Pretty much since we met, actually.”

“R-really?” you ask, a bit breathless and definitely still flustered.

“Yeah, you’re perfect. In, like, every way. It’s the worst and the best.”

“I’m perfect?! But you’re- You’re you!” you argue, and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes. “I’m so lucky.”

“No, I’m the lucky one,” she disagrees.

“We can both be lucky,” you tell her, and she sighs.

“I suppose that’s a good compromise,” she decides. “So, what should we do before dinner? We’ve got a couple hours to kill, but I don’t think either of us has much more to say that wouldn’t be repetitive or… Something.” She blushes again, cheeks bright pink.

You blush back, reminded that she knew all about you and the things you did to yourself behind doors. “R-right,” you reply. Hey, you may be a horny motherfucker, but that doesn’t make you any less of a bottom.

“Can I see?” she asks, touching at your scarf. You nod, and she unwraps the scarf. She carefully touches the spotted bruises with her fingers. “With the belt you’re wearing?”

You can’t even speak. You nod, and the ghost of a smile graces her face before she just barely presses her lips to the bruises closest to her, on the side of your neck. Your hand quickly grabs her bicep tightly, and she stops, looking to you with concern.

“I’m so sorry, I got a bit carried aw-”

“No, no, it’s good, I’m just… Sensitive there,” you admit, and one of the biggest smiles you’ve seen her wear is on her lips.

“Yeah?” she asks, taking her crossbody bag off of her shoulder and opening it. She takes out a bottle of Antifel pills. “How sensitive?”

“Oh God, um… I- Um…” Your nerves are really getting to you, and your breathing gets heavier as you stare at the bottle. This is really happening. It’s really happening. You’d always wanted to, especially with her, but now that it’s a reality, you feel on the brink.

Ellie can recognize that look in your eyes, and it’s a look she’d hoped she’d never be the cause of.

“Shit, Y/N. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I- Um, I just- I want to? But I- I just- I don’t know, it’s just getting really hard to breathe, and uh, not in a hot way,” you joke nervously.

“Hey, you can want to and not be ready to right this minute. We haven’t even been on a date yet, okay? I’m really sorry if I made you feel like you had to do anything you didn’t want to,” Ellie tells you, and she feels immensely guilty either way.

“No! I liked you kissing me, especially where you did, but, you’re right. We should probably adjust to the news and put a label on whatever this is before we do anything too serious.”

Ellie nods. “You always were the more logical one. I’ll put these in the medicine cabinet and we can just… Talk about stuff, like we always do.”

“But with more kissing and cuddling, I hope?” you request, and she nods, going to put the bottle away before returning to find you bundled up in her comforter. “It’s so cozy…” you practically sing, at least to her.

“This is a dream,” she sighs happily, slipping off her shoes and joining you in her bed. You spoon her side, and she hums in content, stroking your hair.

“You’re in a good mood,” you comment. Ellie is not a very cheerful person, at least not openly. So, to see her like this was surprising.

“Yeah, of course I am. It’s you. It’s really you. I’ve never been happier in my life,” she says, having really been hit with the fact that you’re her soulmate. All hers. “All mine…” she hums.

“You really know how to make a girl feel special… I mean it. I’m really not all that.”

“Please be my girlfriend,” she requests.

“Only if you’ll be mine,” you reply, and she scoffs.

“I think that’s how that works, babe.”

Your heart skips a beat and you stare at her in wonder.

“Sorry for not asking if pet names were okay…It’s just something I like, it’s really stupid.”

“No, I really like it, hence the dumb stare and the lack of breathing.”

She chuckles, holding you tighter. You smile with her, glad that she’s happy.

“I hope you don’t feel like you have to over-exaggerate how happy you are. It’s okay if you’re not ridiculously happy about finding your soulmate.”

“Oh, no, I’m as happy as I sound. I’m, uh, definitely a textbook case of Lesbian That’s A Grumpy Bitch Til She Gets A Girlfriend. But then again, I’ll probably just be a significantly less grumpy bitch to everyone but you, sorry.”

“I don’t mind, I like you being your bitchy self,” you reply, being rewarded with a kiss placed atop your head that sends tingles dancing down your body. “Mm… I like that.”

“Good,” Ellie responds. “I’m glad.”

“I’m gladder,” you tease.

“I’m gladdest...”

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

[lil-mariokart]

okay! we said a lot of stuff to eachother and we’re not like. fixed, but maddan is helping me write an apology and he’s making me a lot more confident that we’re going to be okay. I still feel pretty 😔but nowhere near as bad as i was before.  i sent this i thought this was going to go the other way but i think that to feel better i need to do this even though i really don’t want to. i’m going to take a break from talking at all for a while. maybe around a week. i don’t know. i need to learn not to hurt people with what i say and i know that i will. i’m sorry for everything that i said and everything that i might’ve made you feel, but i just wanted assurance that we were going to be okay because my brain was being irrational in the moment. you’ve helped me so much with everything but i need to take this into my own hands because i’m really the only person who can make me better. i might take this back sooner then i though, i might not, you might say something like right away that makes everything change in my head, i don’t know! thank you for everything that you’ve done for me also i’m not breaking up with you if that’s what this looks like i hope this is what you wanted to hear, and i hope this makes me better i might regret sending this this. was terrible. there are so many things wrong with it that i read over like 40 times but just couldnt see this is what he sent in response i think it's smart of you to take some time away. i know you want to be better. but holy shit i do not understand why it is always implicitly my responsibility to fix shit and i . idk it really did rub me the wrong way, the way you are fixated on our relationship when you really need to be dedicating time to learning and growing out of that bubble of casual insensitivity. i get that you care about me but you need to prioritize LEARNING. for someone who is so concerned with their reputation and people not forgiving them you seem to put too much energy into the wrong places. sometimes i feel pressured to be on your side even when i maybe should disagree. that is just unfortunately a combination of my fear of conflict and then also maybe feeling guilt tripped a little. i am happy to support you and hear your complaints about issues  but sometimes it really messes with my head. i dont feel like farah was as in the wrong as you made her out to be. this does not invalidate the impact and pain for you, not in the slightest. but i was given such a one-sided and negative depiction of her, to the point where you compelled me to talk about her behind her back? that isnt okay. i wont be tolerating that again.[5:17 PM]i am still concerned that i overreacted to all of this, but regardless i am hurt that my really insanely desperate efforts to disregard my anger and instead comfort you in a time where you maybe should have been left a little uncomfortable were fruitless. i feel like we ended up here because im too nice or passive about what happened and i dont want to make that mistake again. i cannot keep coddling you when you say "im sorry" and then turn around and say some fuck shit again like. start owning up to the shit that has happened instead of caring more about the other shit human decency and compassion is a lot more important than making sure a boy still likes you. it's manipulative to do something wrong and then have me be like 'it's okay' before any real change has been made. fucked up to give an apology and take a perfectly reasonable break and then be like "i hope that's what you wanted to hear", makes it sound like you didnt mean what you said and that you dont care what's being told to you, just that youre saying it to appease me. i care about you very deeply. but when you come back lots of things need to change . i want this to work you KNOW im stubborn about this. but that effort cannot be onesided anymore. this really hit me like a ton of bricks because like. there was a lot of shit behind the scenes that i just didnt know about. i didnt know i was being guilt trippy or that he took the thing about farah so seriously. theres a lot more shit that i need to make up for then i thought there was, but im going to do it

[tellmeyourstory-art-blog]

Amicus

What is the point of friends and relationships?

The questionable studies of Harlow was undoubetdly cruel but elighted an important insight to human affection. Can we live without it? The reason harlow preformed hi experiments on moneky’s was because taking a human in the most natural sociolofical form would be  ‘an infant’ because they are without external influence - TV, parents, toys. 

Harlow took a group of baby monkey from birth and put them in an elaborate set up with 2 mothers, One was a wired mother, who fed and provided milk, the other was cloth who’s only ability was to provide comfort. Thehypothesis was that hough the wire mother was scary and uncomforting the monkey would show love to it because it nourished them and gave them a means to survive. Proving that human love was based off of need. but surprising Harlow was wrong. The monkeys utilised both mothers equally, further proving comfort and affectio was something needed in the psche for love and survival. 

to want to belong somewhere, to find comfort. Today we do so by first finding it in family, and then as adults in categories, it’s how we met like minded people.

Groups, set aorund drinking culture, fitness or art. Still fear change just as the Neanderthals did, maybe theire categories  it was the hunters and gathers any anything new was scary, rejected and destroyed as it posed a threat to a specific way of life. For example how your fat friends relish and secretly don’t want you get fit or how the friends who drink a lot don’t want you to stop drinking. 

  but today, it’s divided by mroe and more categories.  When we wee young we dealt with a small kind of exclusion boy against girls, when we are older it’s the Introverts and Extroverts, who liek this magazine, or this celebrity and we form gorups and within those groups cultures, when really why do the categories matter at all. We are all humn and at the heart of it little animals trying to feel out places to fit in somewhere. 

I didn’t really feel like i belonged on anywhere, in my family or in friend groups. I was outcasted though I didnt realise until I was 13. In high school a rumor would go around about me that I was a lesbian on the first day of high school casting me as ‘dont play with’ Sometimes I wonder if it was my sister who intially spread the rumor since she was always at a competition with me for attention, I never felt it. She once turned to me and said ‘you know how were always pitted against eachother’ and I never knew what she meant.

She once bribed me in the bathroom as young kids with a $2 coin to stop pulling a face that would grab my moms attention and make her laugh for a secod, for my sister attention is what gave her validation, and to stop me from getting it away from her.

And above that I was weird. And people didn’tlike me. My didn’t so why would i believe or act in away that anyone else did. A very self pittying view but at the time it was true none the less. Having friends was extremelydifficult for me because of my mom too. When I  had finally made a friend group one of them asked ‘my parents saifd your mom was a mistress’ i had no idea what that meant so i asked my mom who lost it at me

WHO SAID THAT she blarred, eventully getting the number out of me and absuing my friends parents.

Eventually even my sister friends werent allowed at our house because theyw ould leave crying. 

gossip started, but still no one stepped in or did anything. 

Friendships can seem mysteious, we talk about clicking, but there there is something at the heart of friendships that seems important to identify, vulnerability. it’s easy to assume what makes us likeable is who we are on the outside, good looks, nice car or public acclaim, strengths accoplisment and things we are porud of.. this impresses but it isnt what draws others to us.. the more we get to know someon we are able to depart from the official story  and start to reveal awkward truths.

unfortunately this can work in 2 ways, with overwhelming support and positivity for our positive traits and negative. Friends, can be a great healthy support and fulfill our very sociological need to belong somewhere. Friends can also be a great support for validating unhealthy values too.

My mother was still able to find a group of friends who validated their own alcohol addiction ad sadness together and becam a stronger support for denial rather than lifting eachother up. 

I’d always dread coming home from school and smelling the cigarette smoke and drunken laighter from the varrander. Mid day drunken senssions of sad people pissing their years away. My mom blamed my sister and I had no problme telling us that or her friend who believed her.

One weekend away I had come home from a sleepover and found one of these friends cleaning out my moms house. I had been gone the entire weekend and she had supposedly trashed eevrything. Her friend was shaking her head and calling me a digusting pig as my mom had told them I had done it. I tried to explain id been away how could I have done it, but being a child in the eyes of ‘adults’ they didnt believe and continued on the lies to keep inhibiting their digusting problems.

Soon my mom would have sex uncaring if anyone was around. On top of my christmas presents, as i cried from the top of the stairs, her fleeting relationship with a man who was just a pathetic and lonely theyd smoke weed and scream loudly un caring there was children in the house, that it was the middle of the day and how truly disturbing a child leanring about sex is by listening to unhibited parent not caring about boundaries.. only their own desires.

Soon there was naked people everywhere, cigarette smoke vodka stained carpets and a deeper denial floating around everyone who gravitated that disgusting house. Her besy friend soon became her lesbian lover would drink with her ll night laughing about how shit life was. She’d call me after my mom died and continue, she’d tell me how she removed my moms tampon and other disgusting detils of their love life i had no need to know. But she needed someoone to vent to, and someone to understand. Anyone. And that desperatess left to an unhinged release of lines being crossed, when anyone would think a responible adult should be incontrol of where they are drawn. 

None of them truly understanding how daming that is for a young girl in her formative years. Had it been openly talked about maybe it would have been differnt, but it was always loud voices behind a locked door. 

I’d learn how to pick locks becauseof this.. or be louder. I’d bury myself into my guitar and sing sond of her being sober outside her bedroom door all in a failed attempt to get throgh. to someone. 

It was agonsiing screaming for help on the floor with no one to hear me. I still feel so much pain playing guitar out of fear the songs I did play were unimportsant, unlistened to and didnt help anyone. 

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The terminally ill person maybe pittied and empthaised with and by family and friends but only he who is truly sick can know what it is like to suffer that fate.

The lovers deserprately try to fuse with eachother in hopes of creating a destiny in a sing self transdence but do so in vain as they inevitbly die alone. Only you can experience what you are experiencing, and it is th efate of every soul to suffer in solitude.

I retracted inwards, more and had the self realisation it was Ok to be alone and feel lonely,t hat really. All I had was me in this wrold to rely on, and that was ok, which shaped my beliefs today on being lonely.

 I like the feeling. I believe being lonely can be a choice & isn’t sad at all. Many people have mixed judgements about this, some will think I am shy, others insecure.. but I am a deeply confident person these days,  I've struggled with myself, and, at the same time I often wondered -- s there something wrong with me for not forming {meaningful || intermittent} attachments?"

 For me it's come down to the fact that I'm about growth and progress and moving forward. Since I've been young, I've never really felt any particular attachment to any one thing in particular. Such as, the typical hometown-hoedown; or taking-up supporting a local team with fervor or passion. Same goes with my relationships friends or more than friends. 

It's taken a while, but I'm comfortable with this for the most part. I don't want to be stuck in any one mindset or frame of mind, nor do I want to placate or pacify myself into being stagnant. "Oh this is just okay since it's what everyone else does." It seems in 2017 It's still looked down upon to be 'alone', as if there is something wrong with you. And although I believe having social skills to carry yourself in a large groups is important, it's not the same thing. Reminds me of a Cranberries song: "Everybody else is doing it, so why don't we."is simple: "What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular." -- Do I want to be a follower, or have my own mind? Am I myself, or am I someone else? To make friends - good ones, you truly do have to enjoy your own company in order to provide the vulnerabilty of true friendship, our hidden truths and obscrities.

 I (personally) abhor parrots -- hearing the same thing over and over again from people who don't like answering pertinent questions which would impinge parrot logic (ignore that which is inconvenient is used too often by too many people, IMO). Make sense? (I see nothing wrong with this -- though it might feel wrong compared to the typical or average social perspective)-- there's really nothing wrong with it tp  fill the sociological need to belong grow with self value & respect first, you can accept the right people and let them come and go throughout all phases of it.  I fall inlove with people who aren’t afraid to say no to me, I fall in love with my friends who help me learn.