#I dont even want to breathe anymore.
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#ranting right now because i am gemuinely. sick#I hate that fucking heaten. I tried to help but she is making my words look awful and she turned the situation to her adventage and#now i got fucking insulted by someone and I feel so fucking stressed and#Im crying him trembling i hate this shit i hate this life#why does she have to make everything about her why why why why#I was trying to help but I failed#I dont even want to breathe anymore.#cant i just. do something right. for my fucking 20 years of my life#I bet she is happy right now.#I wonder when I last felt genuine happiness.
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#i know this is hormones talking but i seriously want to quit this profession and stop breathing#i just. cant do this anymore#is there a field where i could work without interacting with human bc people are foul at times#no no. i dont want to work. i dont even know if i want to live. do you mean to say im gonna struggle like this until im old? and then what??#i fucking hate how im struggling for my life every fucking time im getting my period#worse of all i know it's gonna get worse after i hit menopause bc the fucking estrogen is not fucking there anymore#so struggle struggle struggle and die? cool ✌🏻#sighs#chrmz.txt
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what a week
#IM SO TIRED . i dont want to go to school#its just . i dont think i mentioned it but bug died yesterday :( we knew it was gonna happen eventually but it still makes me sad#she spent at least twelve hours just . agonizing and i couldnt do anything for her#i didnt even stay with her the whole time !! i was too tired and went to sleep by like 2am i feel so bad for that#when i woke up she was still there . but not moving anymore just. breathing#URGHH i HATE making posts like this im so sorry#animal death#<- just in case
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3am weighing the pros and cons of backing up a bunch of my old Tumblr Exclusive fics to AO3 again
#pros: if tumblr dies or something happens to the blog i dont use anymore theyll still be somewhere#cons: cringe and i dont go to one of those fandoms anymore and i dont want to go into the ao3 tag#yes i cann orphan fics but i even if they were very good works#i do not want to breathe life back into them#being called out in a server as the author of several oneshots i wrote in 2015-16 ONCE was enough#even if i do still think the spectral collin fic is kind of a banger tbh#and god dont even get me started on the old homestuck fics
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sorry for not posting!! thinking about caterpillar stresses me out!!
#🥨 | sad.pretzel.hours#something in me wants her to be perfect.#comparing her to everybody else's character!#'they're more royal looking... they're more expressive... they're more compatible with sm...'#i don't know... everytime i try to draw her i just? it hard to breath#just what is she missing?? what do i have to do so that she's just as lovely as any other character in my gallery?#why is she so hard to draw?#nothing's wrong visually!! it's caterpillar!! that's obvious!!#so why??? does she not look right#i cant take this anymore i tried redesigning her but i even that one#i cant draw her at all#she looks so wrong tk me#my friends like her! im just not...#nothing i draw her in is satisfying#rhis isnt fun chat#but i dont know how to fix it
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lmao i just bought the new assassins creed game and i hope to god that the player character isnt sexy bc i CANNOTTTTTTTT go through this again omfg
#alexios has fucking ruined my life do you understand me?????????#i dont even want to look at a Real Man anymore#literally like#fantasizing about this damn video game character is more fun than ive ever had with a real male lmaoooo#literally why would i put up with all the annoying things that come with Living Breathing Human Beings when i could just#stare at a hot video game man#its so crazy bc i swear i wasnt even enamored with him at first omfg#but as soon as he got ready to kill his dad my loins began to tingle and HAVENT STOPPED#im a hop skip and a jump away from being a total pacifist in real life but fictional violence gets me HOT AND BOTHERED
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#my dad made it painfully fucking clear that he hated me from the age of like 12-14#and he always blamed it on my age#yk 'teenage girls are sooo difficult to raise'#and it took a handful of really big arguments#and countless smaller ones#for him to decide that hey maybe i actually want to have a decent relationship with my daughter#and acts like ive grown as a oerson and all our arguments before were all my fault#but now ive changed and we dont butt heads as much anymore#even though i havent really changed much at all#i just decided that my mental health was more important to me than the man who said to my face that he wishes i was never born#i changed nothing#i just decided to just say ok fine whatever you can be right if that makes you feel better#and move on#and i thought i was done with the constant arguing every fucking day#i mean we still dont gt along that well all the time but i thought i would at least be able to fucking breathe#except now my brother at that age#where hes constantly arguing with my dad#its an everyday thing#and its just been getting worse#and idk i guess im a really emotional person so anytime my dad so much as raises his voice#at literally anyone#im a fucking mess#i guess the difference between me and my brother#my brother wont cry in front in front of our dad#and he'll just let him say whatever he wants he wont protest or anything#he just says ok#but i always cry when my dad yells at me#and i also always yell back#idk which is more draining though. idk im just a mess im so tired#i thought i was done but now its gonna be like this till i move out.
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bro im literally wolfing out i can only think of three different things and those things are playing the bass guitar, shiho hinomori project sekai, and rei
#the rest of the thoughts are either unwanted freaky with cursive or both of those things#i cant do this anymore#rrraaaah#bro i have no other space in my head#im not even purposely avoiding other stuff but i live eat shit and breathe for this fr#i cant wait to play the bass again on monday#when im not playing the bass (i only have a chance to play it once a week) i am playing air bass and listening to my headphones#it looks really stupid but it gets me through the day if i can pretend im 24/7 on the bass#can monday not come any sooner#THIS IS SO BAD I CANT EVEN ENJOY A WEEKEND I ACTUALLY WANT A MONDAY IN MY LIFE THIS IS TERRIBLE#bass guitar#bassist#shiho hinomori#pjsk#ppanicposts#i dont know why i actually tagged any of those things this post is entirely a me problem#im just a guy#fuuuuuck
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trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH
#not even at actual sad bits i just lose my mind watching ppl w chemistry act romantically on screen#when its well done and it feels intimate..... taking poison damage ouuuuurggh. -1hp -1hp -1hp ow... -1hp#god i fucking miss kissing ppl i miss physical intimacy its hard to breathe watching this. in a good way but also oww. ouch!!!!#i am so normal and well adjusted i promise. come here#i wish i didnt react the way i do sometimes to physical contact theres no reason i dont understand why it happens#like i wish it was easy for me and came naturally bc i always want it so so badly. but the fucking flinch where does that come from#and it makes everyone treat me like glass and avoid me bc they think i dont like it or just tolerate it i promise im not lying come back#its so so so frustrating and i find it so hard to watch other ppl being affectionate its like looking directly at thr sun#and i know im so obvious around other ppl when i get upset bc theyll touch and avoid me and then i get upset if they do touch me bc they#only do it when they feel bad for leaving me out ppl only ever hug me when they feel sorry for me do u know how shit that makes me feel#i just want ppl to want me around and in their space bc thats what i want but is it too much.to ask 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its easier when i warm up to ppl but it just takes so long and its so rare for anyone to believe me by that point the boundaries are set#im like a little feral kitten i need to be physically socialised before i get adopted#this isnt even making sense anymore im so tired my mind is all over the placr. sloshing on the floor. anyway ummmm#i cant keep being like this forever man#not even talking abt sex but thats a whole other thing. wouldnt it be nice to fuck without fitting the stone top role. i wouldnt know#all respect to ppl who are stone and all the ace ppl i know but im NOT i do want it i very much do experience the attraction!!!!#but for some reason my body wont let other ppl touch me it drives me fucking insane. i dont even have trauma like whatever man#didnt even use to be this bad i was such an affectionate kid n teen i wish i could go back man. man!!!#what a fucking decade of mental illness and repression does to a mf. forget all the other ways its affected me this is the worst by far#just the isolated n alienation innit. well it is what it is. maybe someday ill get it back#anyway sigh..... back to the movie.. i do like it so far its very pretty just different to my usual sort of film innit#considering i watched cure last weekend ajskdnf. the tonal difference#cure was a weird one but thr more i think abt it the more it sticks with me.... so good i need to watch more kurosawa#ANYWAY#.diaries#sorry for getting so personal on a saturday night.. im home alone for 24 hours and this is what happens
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#edit: no 'real' spoilers further in the tags just my mental illness acting up about the seasons finale🙃#finished the episode like an hour ago??#i feel like im mourning?#i feel numb???#there was this blanket of safety. of knowledge of what comes next because i've watched the movie and i wont have it moving forward#i dont want to read the books (not because so many ppl say the rest are Bad (that wouldnt stop me!)#but because the show is sooo different i really dont think I would find the characters as interesting or love them as much#its like hannibal to me--i couldnt care less about the books. even if it is nice to read some tidbits from them here.#idk this probably isn't a normal response but im not well mentally atm so it is what it is#i cant even look at the gifs because i start crying lmaoo#what is this!!!! (its depression)#i cant wait for s3 and all that but i didnt expect this shift to hit me that hard#(guy who's only obsessed with hannibal) its giving s3a/s3b hannibal!!#no matter what happens these characters just have to live on they have to!!#and this hits harder in iwtv because they're VAMPIRES!! they will always have to endure no matter what happens or they will throw themselve#into the fire/into the sunlight when they feel like they cant do it anymore.... god...#i need to take a breath maybe go for a walk maybe go head empty and play balatro or hitman for a few hours and then rewatch the episode#and come back here#bc ough its rough for me rn#☠
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i did lots of laundry today and i am changing my sheets and i would like a little bit of gentleness from the universe
#like ok goddamn. ig ill send in a job application or a few. WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!!#what they dont tell you is the post-friends-hangout-depression is much worse when you see them like thrice a year#before i wouldve had close friends to spend my time with.... but alas. but im still here and breathing nonetheless so i need the world to#take it easy on me#in my pursuit of opening a can of olives the can opener pinched me hard as hell#and i was only getting olives because my coffee machine decided it doesnt know how to heat water anymore#and i was gonna have tea because i couldnt think of anything else to have and just wanted something sweet#i also cleaned the litterbox and basically i actively existed today#doesnt a man deserve a little treat for that#i even got up at noon#and my dads gf :pensive: is still here#auuuauuauauauauurrghhghhhhghhhgh#its kind of funny that my dad expects me to be bffs with her like dawg even with our closest relatives i am extremely awkward and uncomfy#like ive grown to love my aunt! i still would really rather not be around her for the regular 2 hours of visiting time!#i will not speak to her directly! i will speak very very minimally and it will not be to her. and its been this way all my life#extreme introvert in a family of extreme extroverts moment#anyways. the pain in my body from Going Out is also very very intense#im not much of a headaches man and they really trigger my hypochondria#so having one for the past few days has not been optimal. been doing a lot of laying down#they dont know it is messed up that i get the post-hangout sadness and post-hangout pain that takes me out for days#my friends are moving on in their lives and making progress and looking towards the future :(#i am so happy for them. but also what the hell am i doing#i have to pee. i really dont wanna get up. uuurgrghrgrhh.. i ate all my olives. they were good#20yrs on this hell of an earth with absolutely no purpose nor direction but at least there is black olives
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I could've spun gold with all of it
I want to scream
Who says it? Who gets to say that we're just sad forever?
The world is collapsing but there are still people smiling and laughing and holding to their friends and all they've built
But not me
#these thoughts are so disjointed#they dont even belong in the same poem really#im just realizing how much#helplessness we've both learned#how little control#that right now i have space and i just spend my nights curled up lashing out mentally#desperately wanting someone to save me#like that's a real thing i should save my breath for#my heart feels like it's gone through a shredder though and i just dont fucking know#how to have hope on behalf of other people anymore#i cant have hope on behalf of myself#for so many years i fucking tried to be that#to find reasons to live for my friends who didnt want to do it anymore#to really fight for them#and now im dry on hope#and feeling painfully alone#if i was being good i would just#get up and keep walking. find something that brings my heart lightness again#but i dont care what i would do if i was being good#not right now#let me yearn to be saved for a little while longer okay
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#personal#vent#disasterpiece.txt#getting hit with an immense wave of feelings about my breakup and aching about how maybe love is just not for me#like I'm just upset and disappointed about how it all panned out I loved her as easily as breathing and I guess it just didn't work anymore#I know I'm good but not good enough for her I guess because she may have loved me but at some point she stopped caring for me and I was#always there waiting for her to notice me#and i was alwats patient i understood why she withheld affection and sometimes i thought she was just too busy to talk to me but no she jus#didnt want to anymore she found it was becoming a chore as if it would ever be a chore to me#im sorry for feeling entitled to her love but i dedicated so much of my Life to her i want her to want me back i feel like i deserve it#i deserve to be wanted by who i want#and i want her back#I was a good boyfriend I tried my best to always be there for her she was the one who pulled away first even when I was pulling all nighters#ruining my grades for her#basing my life around her wants and needs#its jsut so cruel i dont understand
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Welp. Time to kill myself. Been nice knowing you all
#relationship of 4 years just ended bc we had to come to terms with wanting different things#i'm heartbroken and i dont even wanna be alive anymore#i keep not breathing and i feel like i'm gonna be sick#even my body knows this is wrong it's all wrong he was supposed to be my love for the rest of my life
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Gods, I'm so fucking exhausted of being alive whilst not being alive.
#venty post because my hormones are cureently fucking me up and the world knows it and wants to make every annoyance possible to me appear#at least I think its hormones#idk mental illness too#maybe both#i just hate breathing right now#the future seems lioe a dead end in all ways#this job place is toying with me#i hate my body#and my face#but depression is making me too exhausted to engage in exercise#food even sounds bad#i wont even be avle to enjoy my vacation this next week due to pure shame and guilt that i cant get over#and so... so much more#i relapsed last night too. and i hate how good it felt.#i dont really want to die....i just dont want to wake up anymore. not in this world. not here
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