#I dont even want to breathe anymore. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lyslsstuff · 14 days ago

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#ranting right now because i am gemuinely. sick #I hate that fucking heaten. I tried to help but she is making my words look awful and she turned the situation to her adventage and #now i got fucking insulted by someone and I feel so fucking stressed and #Im crying him trembling i hate this shit i hate this life #why does she have to make everything about her why why why why #I was trying to help but I failed #I dont even want to breathe anymore.#cant i just. do something right. for my fucking 20 years of my life #I bet she is happy right now.#I wonder when I last felt genuine happiness.

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adriartts · 4 months ago

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goretober day 6: Transformation

this mermaid concept is not mine!!! it is cool as hell and comes from my homeboy @ch1ck3n-t03s

#original #mermaids #goretober #crisisgoretober2024 #RAUHGHHH. THIS MERMAID CONCEPT IS SO FUCKING COOL DO YOU EVEN GET IT. DO YOU EVEN GET IT #IM ALWAYS FOREVER THINKING ABOUT THIS. COOLEST FUCKING MERMAID CONCEPT IVE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN LIFE #they have CULTURE because they ARE people and they have to live once transformed and they have to live with each other #but everyone who is a mermaid was once human and they are linked by this horrifying painful often deadly process #which strips them of their agency and takes from them everything they knew up to and including their own bodies #if they breathe through the fish gills do their lungs fill with water? do they drown as they are taken by the fish #the fish are not intelligent but the humans ARE. once they merge they both change irreversibly and the mermaid has no choice but to condemn #someone else to the same fate they fell to if they want to continue their species #AUCH. and it's right there in the space between biologically feasible and sci fi 'no fucking way' that scratches my brain #like yeah dude. show me mermaid parasitism on a huge scale. show me massive symbiosis in which the two fuse together to form one individual #im thinkin this one is maybe a few weeks after the chomp. the scars are fresh but the fish has started the fusing #it doesn't need the eye anymore and so it's started to reabsorb. the mouth is fusing to the human body #the human legs are mostly dissolved but i imagine the bones are still intact which is why u can kind of see the knee through the eel #and it bends more drastically at the hip because the pelvis hasn't been digested yet. the fish's teeth have dissolved #the fins are still backwards in regards to how large a dorsal vs ventral fin should be because the fish is backward on the human part #it's so fucking cool dude. i love fucked up mermaids #i dont even care about my mermaids cause i aint never doing anything as cool as these bitches. what the fuck. mermaid parasitism. fuck yes #im late for the prompt once more but who care. im doing my thang. peacesign peacesign peacesign

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thebirdandhersong · 4 months ago

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Lol

#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting #with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy #and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because #your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED #OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered #being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal #anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this #can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws #worries #and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please #also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up #in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite #but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying #you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents #but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents #not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up #that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY #you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard #i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation #and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far

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skunkes · 8 months ago

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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day #how they're already memories since moments pass so fast #everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever #and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed #it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily #so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day #ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been #the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief #and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately #id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again #like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night #one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys #i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i #hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day

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opens-up-4-nobody · 11 months ago

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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

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phagodyke · 3 months ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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silversoulstardust · 4 months ago

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#i know this is hormones talking but i seriously want to quit this profession and stop breathing #i just. cant do this anymore #is there a field where i could work without interacting with human bc people are foul at times #no no. i dont want to work. i dont even know if i want to live. do you mean to say im gonna struggle like this until im old? and then what??#i fucking hate how im struggling for my life every fucking time im getting my period #worse of all i know it's gonna get worse after i hit menopause bc the fucking estrogen is not fucking there anymore #so struggle struggle struggle and die? cool ✌🏻#sighs #chrmz.txt

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iknaenmal · 11 months ago

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what a week

#IM SO TIRED . i dont want to go to school #its just . i dont think i mentioned it but bug died yesterday :( we knew it was gonna happen eventually but it still makes me sad #she spent at least twelve hours just . agonizing and i couldnt do anything for her #i didnt even stay with her the whole time !! i was too tired and went to sleep by like 2am i feel so bad for that #when i woke up she was still there . but not moving anymore just. breathing #URGHH i HATE making posts like this im so sorry #animal death #<- just in case

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girlivealwaysbean · 2 months ago

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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now

#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope #like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday #i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them #then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right #and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying #for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam #and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard #and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs #and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes #but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too #and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50 #and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell #like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good #because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence #he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously #and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell #granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends #only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares #and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking #that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta #and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but #idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best #to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin #it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me #or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents #and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house #and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE #ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit

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quadrantbreaker · 2 months ago

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trying to classpect megathrust so far i have. horux heir of hope. produk maid of light. kira uhh witch of either blood or heart whichever one i decide is better or i could always go the thief of life route (who hasnt. fuck . ive got exe and idlkw left and brother im about to kill myself about this why are these two so difficult stop being a hardass

#megathrustposting #i have to talk about this on tblr now bc i dont want to rant about it on discord anymore sorry whoever sees this #Also . everyone knows this already but the gender alignments are bullshit. ok wtv #fuck is idolkawa page of breath... i see it i fucking guess. the friend thats too tavros #its so Basic sorry i dont like copying classpects. back into the grinder you go #like for idolkw class im thinking . 1 prince 2 knight? 3 page. different aspects for each. im so fucking tired. no one even cares about thi #exe is a bit like . prince or knight core . guy who fucks around idk #every single time i get stuck at these two. i just want to get this over with so thtat i can stop thinking about homestuck. fuck

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nickcassldy · 11 months ago

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#i feel so fucking horribly bad i cant stop crying and this is so fucking stupid im so fucking stupid #all this because i had a more than usual eventful (positively lmao) weekend and im supposed to have another one #but i just really dont want to lmao #i want to stay home i want to have a normal week #as silly and selfish and idiotic it might sound i dont want to go see my friend i dont want to spend ages on the train i dont want to #have fun next weekend #i just want to exisg normally #im such a bad fucking friend and such a fucked up fucking person and i hate myself for it #but i also hate the thought of having to pack on Wednesday and leave home on Thursday and only come back sunday evening and then #just have another week straight away without even a second to breathe?#i got some time to breathe this weekend and im still mentally tired enough to dread next weekend so fucking much #i hate everything about this and the shit that makes me hate it too #i dont fucking know anymore

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dubioushonour · 9 months ago

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3am weighing the pros and cons of backing up a bunch of my old Tumblr Exclusive fics to AO3 again

#pros: if tumblr dies or something happens to the blog i dont use anymore theyll still be somewhere #cons: cringe and i dont go to one of those fandoms anymore and i dont want to go into the ao3 tag #yes i cann orphan fics but i even if they were very good works #i do not want to breathe life back into them #being called out in a server as the author of several oneshots i wrote in 2015-16 ONCE was enough #even if i do still think the spectral collin fic is kind of a banger tbh #and god dont even get me started on the old homestuck fics

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