#I don't want your damn lemons what am I supposed to do with these

[its-ya-girl-phoeni]

"When life gives you lemons..." ( @zay-does-things )

"Extract the juice and use it to draw a treasure map in invisible ink. That really works! Seriously!"

- Dipper

"Draw faces on those lemons and wrap them in a blanket. Ta-daaa! Now you have Lemon Babies."

- Mabel

"Call 'em 'yellow oranges' and sell 'em for double the price!"

- Stan

"...Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! GET MAD! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Ford Pines lemons! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'm the man who's gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!"

- Cave Johnson Ford

[elusivegreen]

I've had 4 hours of sleep so I want to get mad. You know something that pisses me off? Clean trucks. These are not, I just took it to the car wash cause it's been a couple months trucks. These are. Extended cab, short bed, never been off-road, never had bricks in the bed, mall runner mani vans.

Talking bout trucks that hauled less lumber than my Saturn, may she rust in peace. Guys out there driving these because they're a "man's man". They don't want to be seen in a mini van or even a sedan. How will everyone know how endowed they are if they're driving a small fuel efficient vehicle?

Shits too expensive to own one if you are not using it. If you're hauling. If you got your own business. If you're renovating your house or heading out for the weekend and need to throw all the gear in the back. There's dozens of reasons to get one but they're work horses. They're expensive. The gas, the tires, the trucks themselves. But some guy kicking up a grass roots landscaping business is using some old junker he fixed up with the cheapest trailer he could find. Not these, pompous... illustrious trucks with rims and truck nuts.

Congratulations on being insecure, wealthy, and broadcasting it to everyone. Any vehicle can go get groceries, but in the spirit of all American excess had to get the biggest compensator in the market.

[blueplushtrap]

cave finally gets his combustible lemons created

Good morning, in today's episode we put these three old men in one room and wait to see what happens. Give your ideas of what they do

[thegoldencontracts]

Prefect

Azul is your boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend, as in, person you're in intimate and romantic relations with. So why, just why is he still calling you Prefect?

Notes: credit to @/cephalo-punk for the idea... Im sorry for my sins, reader is the Prefect, GN reader as usual

You and Azul had a wonderful relationship, really. Wonderful, and romantic, and everything. It was safe to say you two were closing, dating, even. Yes, you two were dating. For months now.

And what did people usually call their partners whom they were dating? Their first name, maybe a petname. They usually dropped the titles.

But not Azul. No, Azul could never drop the title you held. Why? Who knew?

"Prefect!" Azul's voice pulled you out of your frying pan of rage only to plummet you into its fire. Ah, yes, that 'nickname'. That damned nickname. "Would you like to dine together this weekend? My treat, of course. I secured a reservation to that restaurant you kept ogling on our trips together. I know, I truly am a benevolent soul."

And yet, immediately your rage was quelled. Azul was asking to take you out on a date. And especially this week - Finals' must've left him completely swamped, no? But he did. And he even got a reservation to that one place that you somehow forgot the name of! Sure, you didn't remember the name, but you did remember that those reservations were super hard to get.

So, did the Prefect thing really matter that much?

"I'll gladly go on a date with you, Azul!" You said. Azul's lips jutted out ever so slightly.

"A 'date' is one way to call it, I suppose," he said. "Really, Prefect-"

Nevermind. In an instant, your mood was dampened by that stupid term of address. He loved you enough to go through all this trouble, and you really appreciated that, honest! You just wanted him to use your goddamn name!

Wait. You had an idea.

"Fine, fine, I'll stop teasing you," you said. "Housewarden Ashengrotto."

Azul looked at you in confusion.

"Housewarden Ashengrotto?"

"That's you, silly!" You said, like you didn't know the real reason behind his question.

Azul's face puckered up in displeasure, like he'd just eaten a sour lemon. He stayed silent for a while before speaking up again.

"Have I done something to offend you, Prefect?" He asked.

"Nope!" You said. "Why, Housewarden Ashengrotto?"

Azul's eye twitched.

"You've decided not to call me by my name all of a sudden," he said.

You smirked.

"Well, since you don't call me by mine, I thought we'd be on even footing!"

The realization hit Azul like a truck. His eyes widened, only to narrow as his cheeks flushed in an indignated pout.

"W-Well- that's different, er-" Azul sighed. "Does it truly upset you that greatly?"

You couldn't help but soften up a bit at that. He really didn't mean you any harm, even if you did still think it was uncharacteristically stupid of him.

"How does it feel when I call you Housewarden?" You asked. His face darkened.

"Point taken."

"Good," you said. "So, why don't you try calling me by my name?"

Azul's eyes widened.

"E-Eh?"

"You heard me. We should be on even footing, right, Housewarden Ashengrotto?"

Azul gulped. If he wanted you to call him by his name again, he'd have to do this, and obviously he was going to, since it was clearly important to you, but...

It was hard.

"O-Of course," he said. "E-Er, Pre- ah-"

And then he said your name. Without "-san" added as an honorific. Nothing of the sort, just your name.

You smiled.

"Yes, Azul?"

And just hearing his name again made Azul beam.

"Why don't we go to your place? It's getting rather late."

"I would love that."

[bountycancelled]

EASY PEASY, LEMON SQUEEZY

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

opla sanji x reader

in which sanji teaches you a few basic cooking skills, while you try to ignore how close to you he's standing

genre: delusional oneshot, pretty suggestive, gn! reader, my sanji/taz obsessed ass shining through the cracks

requested: nope, but they're open so feel free♡

a/n: I don't have anything to say besides I'm sorry.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

this was all your fault.

you just had to open your mouth and spill the beans on the fact that you didn't know the first thing about cooking, which led you to the predicament that you were in now.

or was it Sanji's fault for offering to give you private lessons with a tone in his voice that could be mistaken as flirtatious and a wink your way (which in hindsight, you should've definitely refused) and for being a kind, flirty, witty, compassionate piece of work who could cook like a god, who you couldn't help but fall deeply in love with?

no matter whose fault it was, all you knew was that you weren't mentally prepared to spend alone time with Sanji in the kitchen, as you knew that this experience would only aid your feelings in flourishing.

but what you were or were not prepared to do didn't matter, because you were already in the kitchen, standing shoulder to shoulder with the man in question as you washed your hands and he looked at you with his typical honeyed gaze and a slight smile on his face.

"you look extra beautiful today my love, how am I supposed to focus on teaching when you look like that?" he questioned out loud in an airy voice. you shrugged as nonchalantly as you could, cringing internally because you had in fact, dressed with a little more thought today than most days, and the fact that he noticed made you want to bash your head against the counter until you saw blood. how much more obvious could you be?

"okay. so first, I'm gonna need you to dice up an onion for me, alright?" he stood behind you, watching over your shoulder as you peeled the onion and picked up the knife, and you could swear that his lack of distance was genuinely giving you respiratory problems.

"how would you like 'em, chef?" you asked sarcastically, missing the way his breathed hitched at the nickname.

"hmm... super fine." now, the logical side of you knew that vegetables could be chopped very finely, you weren't completely inept in the kitchen after all. buuuuut, the absolutely unsavable side of you, aided by the fact that you could legitimately feel his breath on the back of your neck as he spoke so so sweetly with that accent of his, believed that he wasn't just speaking about the onions.

you shook away those thoughts, and began cutting the onion. you could almost feel his correction before he corrected you, but you were definitely not prepared for his next actions. his hands held your own as he guided your knife movements, his front almost pressed against your back. he whispered praises in your ear, although you severely doubted that your subpar knife work was worth any compliments, but that didn't stop him. a "there you go." here, a "so so perfect" there, even a cheeky little "you're doing so good for me" just to make you squirm.

maybe it was his tone of voice, or his hands (which had now moved away from yours and found purchase slowly moving up and down your arms) or the fact that your hand was so shaky that you were sure you were gonna lose a finger at this point, but you had had enough.

you put the knife down, not bothering to finish cutting the onion, because he could cut his own damn onions if he so pleased, and spoke before your more timid nature could stop you.

"you didn't ask me here to teach me how to cook, did you?"

silence.

maybe you had misunderstood the situation? oh god, oh god, oh god. you readied yourself to apologise for making him uncomfortable before-

"am I that obvious?" you could almost hear his smile as he spoke seductively, his hands moving from your arms to you waist, gently caressing your frame.

"yes, you are. not that I mind." okay, this was not how you were expecting this lesson to go. but it was days like this that you daydreamt about in the comfort of your room.

"I know this is a bit forward, even for me but-" he cut himself off with a soft kiss to your neck, and you felt yourself shudder at the contact. "-I honestly can't resist you any longer-" another kiss, this time to your shoulder. "-would you give my the absolute pleasure to taste you, please?"

if you weren't already against the counter with Sanji behind you, your legs would've given out from under you on the spot. you nodded, not trusting anything coherent to come out of your mouth at that moment, but snapped out of your daze as a confused sound rang through the kitchen from the doorway.

"you busy Sanji? I'm kinda hungry right now." Luffy spoke with a certain normalcy, as if he hadn't just walked in on, well, whatever was about to happen to the two of you.

Sanji chuckled, placing one more kiss to the back of your neck before moving away from you, but not before whispering in your ear once more. "why don't you go to your room and relax for a bit, love? I'm still aching to taste you."

you were in for a ride today.

[hellsitegenetics]

From Portal 2:

"Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I'm going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"

String identified: Agt, ' tg. g , 't a a - a ta t ac! Gt a! 't at a , at a t t t? a t ' aag. a t a t tgt t c g Ca . a? ' t a ' ga ! t t . ' gg t t gt g t t a ct tat !

Closest match: Lepeophtheirus nordmannii genome assembly, chromosome: 3

(no image could be found of this organism, so here is an image of L. salmonis, which is closely related.)

[there-isnofate-but-whatwemake]

[source]

[zylev-blog]

Damian: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give me lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Danny: all I asked is if you wanted some lemonade

[mcflymemes]

PORTAL 2 PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the 2011 video game, adjust as necessary

when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! make life take the lemons back! get mad! i don't want your damn lemons!

best case scenario, you might get some superpowers. worst case, some tumors.

science isn't about why. it's about why not.

the next test is very dangerous.

before the wright brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly everywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.

to help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three... two... one.

please disregard any undeserved compliments.

all right, i've been thinking.

what am i supposed to do with these?

do you know who i am?

oh, i like this guy.

he says what we're all thinking.

you can head on back to your desk.

well, this is the part where he kills us.

hello. this is the part where i kill you.

i know you.

no! i'm not listening! i'm not listening!

you're lying!

you're not just a regular moron. you were designed to be a moron.

i am not! a moron!

now who's a moron?

could a moron do that?

i can't see it though. maybe it fell off.

do you want to go and have a quick look?

are you alive? that's important. should have asked that first.

i'm going to work on the assumption that you're still alive.

i'm just going to wait for you up ahead.

i'll wait one hour.

brilliant! go team!

i think we can put our differences behind us.

hi. so. how are you holding up?

good, that's still working.

here are the test results.

you are a horrible person.

i'm serious. that's what it says.

we weren't even testing for that.

don't be alarmed, all right?

good work getting this far.

i wish i could take it all back. i honestly do.

i'm in space.

if i were ever to see her again, do you know what i'd say? i'd say "i'm sorry." sincerely.

i am sorry. i was bossy and monstrous... and i'm genuinely sorry.

you made it through! well done!

okay, follow me. we've still got work to do.

what's happening?

okay... don't move.

so i've got an idea, but it is bloody dangerous. here we go.

they told me that if i ever turned this flashlight on, i would die.

they told me that about everything.

i don't even know why they bother giving me this stuff if they didn't want me to use it.

look at you, soaring through the air like an eagle.

i'm different!

prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. he was cast to the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.

it won't be enough. the answer lies beneath us.

oh, it's dark down here, isn't it?

i'm proud of you.

now we are a family again.

that last test was seriously disappointing.

just work with me.

some of my best friends are actually orphans.

you look ugly in that jumpsuit.

that's not my opinion.

i'll be honest. we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks.

no idea what it'll do.

i knew someone was alive in here!

you'll know when the test starts.

oh thank god you're all right.

i thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend.

the best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one.

i'll be honest. killing you? is hard.

i had a pretty good life. and then you showed up.

you know what? you win. just go.

it's been fun. don't come back.

this sentence is false.

to be honest, i might have heard that one before.

you know, i'm not stupid.

i realize you don't want to put me back in charge.

i'm being serious. i think there's something really wrong with me.

we should get our stories straight.

no, we're not stopping!

don't make eye contact, whatever you do.

i feel awful about that surprise.

oh, that's sad. but impressive.

we're running out of time.

you've probably figured it out by now, but i don't need you anymore.

i'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the being alive club.

the square root of rope is string.

okay, what you're doing there is jumping.

you know what? that's close enough.

you saved my bacon.

is this a jailbreak?

the next test is very dangerous.

it's been a long time. how have you been?

i've been really busy being dead. you know, after you murdered me.

you out having yourself a little adventure?

no, don't get up. i'll be right back.

you're unqualified!

what if this hurts? what if it really hurts? oh, i didn't think about that.

get your hands off me!

i can't see a thing! what just happened?

i don't have any bullets.

did you feel that?

you were busy back there.

that's funny. i don't feel corrupt.

i've got an idea! do what it says!

look how small you are down there!

do you have any idea how good this feels?

sorry, fellas. she's married. to science.

let me answer those questions with a question. who wants to make sixty dollars?

yes, all right, okay, this is getting tiresome.

well done. good. aren't you little miss clever. little miss smashy smash.

does it actually make you feel good when you do that?

it's not impressive.

what is this, like a hobby for you now?

i'm beginning to actually take it personally.

it's like an insult to me.

oh, there goes another one.

it's vandalism! it's pure vandalism!

it's just us talking like regular people.

are you going to open this door?

where'd you go? come back!

[lifeseriesincorrectquotes]

Bdubs: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Bdubs lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get Etho to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

[gummy-axolotl]

Lemn

Lemin

+

Mouth

[painful-vomit]

All right, I've been thinking... When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! GET MAD!

"I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!"

Demand to see life's manager! Make life RUE THE DAY it thought it could give CYN LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE WOMAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN...

WITH THE LEMONS.

I'm going to get the Absolute Solver to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!!

[watarfallar]

I'm on a roll with these!

Impulse: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worse enemy! Impulse: Unless of course. . We’re talking about my enemy, Gem. Fuck you Gem, you know what you did!

Joel: I just found out from Grian today that when Pearl died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Gem said, “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.”

Jimmy: If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it. Scar: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it.

Gem: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders? Etho: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the hat man. Gem: THE WHO? Etho: Oh is this not a safe space suddenly?

Jimmy: Cause your pretty and your smart, and your ignoring me so your obviously my type. Tango, who was distracted: I'm sorry- what were you saying? Jimmy: Perfect.

Tango: Self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of make up if you like that, or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically. Ren: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. self care is the fear in your enemies eyes. Gem: Self care is stealing someones birthday cake just to eat the frosting. Ren: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

Scar: You know what bothers me? Bats. Why can bats fly? Martyn: Not again! Scar: No. Seriously, who gave them the right? They're mammals! Mammals walk on land, no exceptions. Pearl: Just wait until you hear about whales. Scar: What now?

Martyn, texting Jimmy: Please don't text me for the next hour, I'm going to be on the treadmill. Jimmy: I wasn't planning on texting you. Martyn: What did I just say?

Cleo: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk? Impulse: The final boss. Scott: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right? Cleo: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer

Tango: According to the footage here, you shook the vending machine and when the shake alarm went off, you punched the glass and broke it. Gem: …I was hungry.

Pearl: BigB, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you? BigB: Tango, Pearl wants you to get out of the house.

Scar: I wanna be a knight! Scott, a knight: What the fuck do you want this shit for? I kill people, all right? Their blood is on my hands! Every night, when I go to sleep, I see their FUCKING faces staring at me! Their families weep, and I FEEL NOTHING! I’M DEAD INSIDE! Scar: Man, I want some of that in my life!

Lizzie: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Lizzie lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Bdubs, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

Skizz: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Mumbo, taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk. Mumbo: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Impulse: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

Bdubs: Grian is off at an appointment, so while they’re gone, I’m going to cut the sleeves off all of my shirts. Gem: Why? Bdubs: They’re like 90% of my impulse control.

Skizz: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Joel: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it?

Jimmy: What’s the announcement, Lizzie? Lizzie: It’s a lecture. Skizz’s gonna tell us everything they know about sex. Etho: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

[totallycorrectcrows]

Kaz: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take them back! I don't want damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Make life rue the day it thought it could give me lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down!

[uncorrectintamed]

Wei Wuxian: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Wei Wuxian lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the Yiling Patriach! I'm the person who is going to burn your house down, using your dead relatives, and the lemons! I'm going to invent a combustible lemon that can burn your house down!

[incorrect-marauders]

Peter: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Peter Pettigrew lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!