#I don't want to be conceited and say I'm the only one who DOES care

[viridiave]

ahhhh calling them fic logs might be charitable actually because all I want to do when I write is complain and over-explain my own fucking logic until I stumble into an answer that makes me go 'ohhhh THAT'S why I wrote that line'

i say this every time but i write like i'm flying by the seat of my pants and it turns out I have a LOT of complaining to do

i really want to delude myself into thinking that like. I'm writing something meaningful but what this really is is just me having a lack of restraint when it comes to ideas. Like I'll start injecting an entire backstory onto that kid Miguel smacked around in Alfyn's Chapter 3 because I was like 'Saintsbridge is a little fucked up if you think about it' one day and now I'm staring down a script including Timothy and it's like 'why in the fresh HELL does this make sense actually.'

I dunno who really cares about seeing any of that unfold except for me. I throw words onto the screen and hope people care about it enough to think that it isn't a pointless diversion from the characters that 'matter'

[jaylienpotter]

Conceited

Jegulus one-shot

Warning: Lily Evans bashing (kinda)

"Why don't you give me a chance? Even to be friends?!"

Regulus turned around and walked towards the source of the noise. He knew that voice very well.

"I hate you, Potter!"

Seemed like Black's crush was getting rejected again. Part of him was sad for his brother's best friend, another, more selfish side of him, was relieved.

"Why?! What did I ever do to you? I know I was a prick to Snape sometimes-"

"You're a bully!"

"I'm not a bully! Snape isn't stupid, nor weak, nor innocent. He does the exact same thing we did to him! He's not a victim." He wasn't wrong, to be a bully meant it was one-sided. Snape and Potter were more like mortal enemies.

"Even then, you're still a rich, obnoxious, arrogant, selfish prat who doesn't shut up about himself! You're so bloody conceited!"

That hit. He could see the hurt in those dark brown eyes. People didn't know the effort the tanned skinned boy put into helping others, making sure everyone is happy, included, safe. He could have all eyes on him yet no one noticed. Except Reg. He noticed James.

"That's not true." The pair turned to him in surprise, pale hands becoming fidgety with the sudden notion of being watched. He kind of regretted speaking up.

"James doesn't talk about himself. Yes, he's sometimes a bit obnoxious and loud, and he does talk a lot but it's never centered around himself. You're getting confused with my brother, Evans."

"Oh, please. Those two are the same. You're not in Gryffindor, you don't hear them all the time." Right, but he did hear from the boy in private. In their late night talks that started after Sirius ran away. Because James didn't want Reg to feel alone. He noticed. He cared. He helped.

"What does he say then? About himself. Not about his friends. Or the stupid pranks they all pull." He dragged the word 'all', making it a point that it didn't count.

"Do you know his favourite colour? Favourite animal? Favourite classes and professors? His grades? How many people he's dated? Anything about his home life? His life goals and dreams?" It was too late to back out, the rant had begun, and you bet Blacks finish what they start.

"Because I don't think so. He might talk a shit lot, but it's about his group plans, his friends, making jokes, making others laugh when feeling like shit as so many do nowadays," himself included. "It takes a lot to get him to talk about himself as an individual, actually. You would know if you gave him a chance. But for someone so against judgemental people, you really do focus on his appearance." Green eyes wide, pink lips shut tight. Regulus contained his smirk.

"He's a good person. A great friend. Selfless and caring despite being from an old pureblood family. And he fights for what he thinks is right. He fights for others. With his big personality comes a big heart. So if you don't make space for the love he has to offer just because you think you don't believe he has it in him, he's not the conceited one." Red hair nearly flew with Lily's stormed exit. She hadn't liked their interaction in the slightest. It was better that way. She wasn't deserving.

Piercing dark eyes were burning a whole through black curls. Reg avoided James's gaze, afraid of what he'd say. He only faced him when he felt the boy closer, and he could swear Potter's eyes were sparkling.

"You meant that...?"

"Of course. You care so much about everyone else that you forget yourself. You couldn't tell me what you wanted to do in the future because it would depend on what your friends decided to do with their lives. You're the most selfless person I know, and if she thinks otherwise, she doesn't deserve your love or friendship."

Silence. He really wanted the older boy to say something, but he just stared, lips slightly parted. Icy blue eyes looked away, shoulders tensing from the attention.

Warm strong arms surrounded his small figure, nearly making him halt. But Potter's sweet, intoxicating smell had him relax and melt in his arms, wrapping his much slimmer ones around his tanned waist.

"Thanks, Reggie." His heart skipped a beat at the nickname and he hoped James didn't feel it against his own chest. He was also thankful to have his face covered, absolutely certain that his white cheeks had turned fully pink.

[cannedwyrms]

Spoilers for shadow of the erdtree, but...

I NEED to talk about Marika, okay?

In the base game, I thought she was interesting, don't get me wrong, but the amount of DEPTH SOTE gives her is INCREDIBLE.

The first time I got to the Shaman Village, I instantly knew she was going up on my Good Antagonist List™ immediately.

And, because of that, I wanted to have another ramble about her, as is becoming customary for this blog.

So, let's go over what exactly we learned about Marika and what this informs us about her character.

I think the Shaman Village really takes center stage here. The music, the item descriptions, it all combines to paint a gentler, more human image of Marika. In the base game, she was more like a god (which made sense seeing as she was one), but we see a more human side of her here.

So, the Shaman Village. It's the place where Marika grew up, her home. Unfortunately for her, shaman bodies are apparently quite good for putting into big jars, which was something the Hornsent loved to do. We've all seen it before, right? I mean, we've all seen a zealous religious society commit atrocities against an underclass in fiction, not the jar thing.

And the Hornsent are a zealous religious society. They used the bodies of shamen in jars to make saints. Which sounds like complete nonsense, I know, but that's just elden ring lore babey.

Anyway, it's my personal headcannon, if not outright fact, that the Hornsent's persecution of Marika's people is what led her down the path of becoming a god. Like Miquella, she wanted to make the world a gentler place. Unlike Miquella, though, she only wanted to make it gentler for her people.

In short, it's my belief that Marika became a god in large part to inact revenge on the hornsent.

Okay, pause. I know Elden Ring Lore is like, a big deal and all, and anything I say is basically unfounded on everything except intuition, my own personal interpretations, and because I believe my theories fit thematically within the wider narrative, but just stay with me on this, alright? I think there's a real undertone of misogyny in the fanbase, and sometimes that can color interpretations of certain characters even unintentionally. Marika has gotten this treatment worse than most, I think, because she is a prominent woman who does morally questionable things. Beyond the inherent misogyny, though, I've noticed that a lot of people interpret Marika's actions very uncharitably. Anyways, all that to say, this is my post, and I care more about everything working together thematically than digging deep into the depths of the lore to find out that "oh, actually Scrupulous the Untested mentioned this flower, which represents pure evil, and he was talking about Marika when he did," or whatever. A strawman? Perhaps, but you get my point. Still, I'll try to remain true to my understanding of the lore, but I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm not an expert. Sorry for the long aside, I just felt these were important points that wouldn't fit in elsewhere.

So, I believe Marika sought godhood partly to punish the Hornsent, although I won't pretend to understand her full motivations.

I believe this is what Ymir was referring to when he said "I fear that you have borne witness to the whole of it. The conceits - the hypocrisy - of the world built upon the Erdtree. The follies of man. Their bitter suffering. Is there no hope for redemption? The answer, sadly, is clear. There never was any hope. They were each of them defective. Unhinged, from the start. Marika herself. And the fingers that guided her. And this is what troubles me. No matter our efforts, if the roots are rotten, then we have little recourse."

My interpretation of this is that Marika's intentions for godhood were impure. She wasn't seeking to improve things, just punish the ones who wronged her people. Thus, her reign was doomed from the start.

Now, let's get into what really sold me on Marika as a character.

There are, to my knowledge, two items you can find in the Shaman Village.

The Minor Erdtree incantation, and the Golden Braid talisman. Let's take a look at the flavortext for these two items and see what we can glean, starting with the Minor Erdtree.

"Marika bathed the village of her home in gold, knowing full well that there was no one to heal."

So, by the time she returned to her village, everyone was already dead. How devastated must Marika have felt, to return from claiming godhood and revenge, only to find that there was no one left to avenge. She was alone.

Here's the text we get from the golden braid:

"A braid of golden hair, cut loose. Queen Marika's offering to the Grandmother. Boosts holy damage negation by the utmost. What was her prayer? Her wish, her confession? There is no one left to answer, and Marika never returned home again."

Man, reading that, with the shaman village music in the background, just thinking about a young Marika resolving herself to become a god, to save her village and people from the Hornsent, the anger she must have felt, the fear and solemn resignation of her goal, only to return again to find herself alone. What was her wish? What did she leave behind in her village? We'll never know, because Marika is alone. Her people are gone. In the end, she couldn't save them.

Is it really any wonder that she eventually began to doubt the very order she had founded?

But now let's talk about some other aspects of Marika's character that the dlc reveals.

Namely, her Omen sons.

Imagine how Marika must have felt, looking down at her newborns to see the very horns that had destroyed her people upon them. It's just so DAMN good, character wise. There must have been so many mixed feelings surrounding them. I wonder if she even felt any love for them at all when she saw those horns. Like, I don't know, obviously, but I imagine she felt conflicted. She didn't outright kill them, which is good, but she did leave them chained in a sewer for most of their lives, so yeah not great.

But that's what I love about her character. Elden ring, in a lot of ways, is about how victims can become victimizers. How, in pursuit of noble goals, or revenge, you can lose yourself and become just as bad or worse than the people you set out to punish. That's Marika's character. That's why she's part of the List™.

Because Marika started out as someone angry at the systems that oppressed her and sought to change them. She was the hero of the story, in the beginning. But, in pursuit of her goal, she lost herself and became a bit of a monster.

SOTE, to me, revealed that Elden Ring's story is one of complete moral grey. Everyone is working towards a cause that they believe in, including you. The ends justify the means for you, even if it means striking down a mostly innocent grieving woman, hunting your fellow tarnished, or turning on the ones who trusted you and called you a compatriot. Ranni, Miquella, Radahn, Fia, D, Godrick, Malenia, Leda, Ansbach, Thiollier, Gideon, this applies to everyone.

The same goes for Marika. In trying to punish the hornsent and build a better future for herself and her people, she lost her people and eventually succombed to her worst tendencies.

That's why St. Trina pleads with you to stop Miquella. Because to become a god is to sacrifice everything that makes you human.

Marika took that sacrife willingly, in order to punish the ones who hurt her, and in the end, that's what broke her.

I think she recognized this, and that's why she set the stage for you to become Lord. In the chance that someone might do better than her, make the world a gentler place, not for a god, not for ambition or power, not in revenge or anger, but im compassion. Whether or not that's how you choose to rule is, of course, up to you, but I like to imagine that Marika, after everything, found something to hope for again.

Okay, that's the end of my thoughts. Was any of that true to the lore? Who cares. It's how I like to interpret what we were given about Marika. If I'm wrong, then whatever. I'll still be right in my heart.

Alright, bye. Go play shadow of the erdtree, or watch someone else play it at the very least. Next time, I might talk about Miquella, or maybe Leda and her allies.

Someday I'll be brave enough to talk about Agent Black. Someday. But that would maybe turn into a full ten page essay about why Iconoclasts is so very good and I'm not sure the two people who care about what I say here are ready for that.

Okay bye.

A brief adendum to this post:

Because I was analyzing Marika from a literary perspective, focusing on the sympathetic angle SOTE added to her character, I realize I forgot something important, so let me say it now:

Marika's persecution does in no way justify her genocide of the hornsent.

That idea kind of got lost in the shuffle, but it's definitely an important aspect of her character. She's an antagonistic force in the world who has done some very awful things to further her goals, more so than any other antagonist in Elden Ring. Her tragic past only adds dimension to her character, not an excuse for the atrocities she comits.

Okay, bye again.

[justanamesstuff]

Tell Me When You're Ready - Matty Healy x f!reader

Based on 'When You're Ready' by Shawn Mendes

A/N: HELLO, THIS IS PURE PAIN IM SORRY! It's my first angsty fic so please tell me what you think :)) I'd say happy reading but...

Warning: ANGST, unrequited feelings, crying, fainting, slight mention of death. maybe typos, i checked but who know

Word count: 3.2 K

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Mhm, mhm

Maybe I had too many drinks

But that's just what I needed

I hope that you don't think that what I'm saying sounds conceited

When I look across the room, and you're staring right back at me

Like somebody told a joke and we're the only ones laughin'

The corner of the room was the only place secured enough to be at the moment. She couldn’t tear her eyes away, or her mind couldn’t stop thinking about them, about him. Her head clouded by his presence like never before. Missed him didn’t even scratch the surface of what she felt during those months. Hell, during those years he had been touring the world. Without her. 

A big gulp of the drink she nursed for the last few minutes, one of the countless glasses she held during the night. The self-pity bubbling on the back of her stomach. ‘He doesn’t care about you, he’s busy…with her’, she thought. 

Loving without reciprocation. What a cliché she was. If he knew, he would probably laugh about it. 

The glass empty, presented in front of her body, took the attention of her mind. A short break from a panoramic view of the party around the couple. It was like a film when the camera focus only on the protagonists and the rest of the room disappears. ‘Cliché again’, she mumbled. The awareness of being drunk didn’t stop her wants to keep going, to keep drinking until she blacked out. Cliché? Maybe a little emo from her. 

She forced her eyes up again. Something inside her wanted to watch the pair, to feel the pang on her heart knowing the girl standing beside him deserved his love. Well, a lie. She wasn’t his lover, but he loved her. She was part of his closest circle, although he had never thought about kissing her. Her want felt like a sin. Like a betrayal to their friendship. 

In a sudden movement, his eyes fell on her standing across the room, long meters away. She swore under her breath, watching his smile growing wider when the information reached his brain. He whispered on the woman’s ear. What does one feel when he does that? A tingling? A shivering around your limbs? She would kill to know. Yes, he had kissed her cheek. She stood a bit taller thinking about it, even when her feet were threatening to fail her. She knew the feeling of his lips on her cheeks, the texture of his hands holding her face closer to then left a sweet kiss on her forehead. But No, it wasn’t enough, she wanted the rest. All of it. All of him.

When Matty was in the middle of his path towards the other side of the room, she focused on the floor. The design on the marvel spiralling. She titled her head, looking at it. Her eyes refused to focus. She got so distracted by it, to the point of forgetting him walking closer to find her. 

“Hey, there you’re!” he was happy. Not drunk happy, just happy. Her heart fluttered, hearing his pitched voice closer. 

“Hi.”  she straightened her head up and back, meeting his eyes. 

“How long have you been hiding here?” 

“Not- Not hiding.” she hiccuped, Matty laughed. The sweet sound surrounding her like a warm hug during a cold night. 

Matty grabbed her by her arms, “Wow.” she didn’t recall moving. “I’d say hours and a good amount of alcohol.” he chuckled, although she couldn’t laugh. 

She felt the urge to leave, be far from him like never before.

“Sweetheart?” he asked, concerned. 

‘Sweetheart’. She wanted to slap him. He had his ‘sweetheart’ at the other side of the room, being perfect. If the woman was drunk, no one really noticed, no one could tell. On the other hand, she was a mess. Even with her mind gone, she could acknowledge it.

“Huh.” 

“Are you alright?”

“Perfect.” Fat lie.

“You don’t look…perfect.” she knew what he was trying to say, but her mind when to dark places first. 

She detached her arms from his calloused hands. “I’m alright, Matty.” the words harsher than intended. “How are you? Congratulations.”

Matty hesitated to answer, “I’m okay.” the answer unsure, his eyes following every one of her movements.

She felt her tongue moving, trying desperately, muttering words without sounds when the room started to move abruptly. Her body leaned forward closer to Matty’s. It was as if in any giving moment, her soul wanted to follow his. 

She heard Matty called her name before everything went black. 

Don't know why I tried

'Cause ain't nobody like you

Familiar disappointment every single time I do

Every single night my arms are not around you

My mind's still wrapped around you

The front of Matty’s door slammed, making him jump on his spot on the living’s room couch, thinking it was Denise ready to kick his ass for smoking inside or just smoking. His heart calmed down when his friend’s form appeared in front of his eyes. 

“Shit, dude! For a second, I th-” but his words died in his throat. Her face pale, wet and clearly upset, threw a dagger directly to his chest. “What’s wrong?”

Her eyes everywhere except looking at his. She tried to dry the tears streaming down, but they kept coming down like a waterfall. Her name on his lips, pleading for her to let him in. 

“He doesn’t love me.” Matty’s friend didn’t have to say the name, he knew. Oh man, he hated the twat more than doing what his mother told him. She deserved so much better.

“Sweetheart.” the half smoked cig left on the ashtray, walking as fast as possible closer to her shrunken body. “Come here.” his closed accent comforting her more than she ever imagined. She let her hands grab his clothes hiding Matty’s back, hanging from there as if her life depended on that. He was there, pushed against her front. They fit, they were perfect…at least for her. 

Matty held his friend. One hand on the back of her head, scratching her soft hair; and his other, palming softly, rhythmically her back. “I’m here, I’m here.” he was, and it was everything she needed. 

Baby, tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin'

Baby, any time you're ready

I'm waitin'

Even ten years from now

If you haven't found somebody

I promise, I'll be around

Tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin'

“Do you ever think about marriage?” she blurbed out without thinking. 

Matty laughed out loud at her question. The rest of the guys left hours before, she was crushing at his for the night, so they chose to spend a few more hours drinking and sharing a joint. The boy took the burning stick from her hands, trying to figure out if she was being serious. She was.

“What do you mean?”

Her eyes fell on his face behind the cloud of smoke he exuded. “Do think you would marry…in the future?”

“Not really.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause the band is my priority.”

“Yes, I know but-”

“I’m not thinking that far ahead.”

“Right.”

“I’d make you my best man, though.” Matty tried to joke, not being able to notice or sense her heart swell with the idea.

“I think smoking weed is making you blind.” she said, dry. “I’m a girl.”

“Yeah, I noticed…” Matty let his eyes wandered around her body lying down beside his. She should’ve felt heat under his gaze, but her skin was frozen. He was glancing at her like a piece of meat. She didn’t want that, she wanted more.

“Shut up.”

His eyes snapped back to life after a moment of being lost. He caught her eyes saying, “You’re my girl, you’re my man. You’re my everything. I love the guys but this…” his hand flying around their bodies. “This is different. I’m not sure if I can live without you.” she agreed in the same and such a different way.

“I’m not going anywhere…you are, rock star.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you’re coming with us. With me.” Matty let his hand extend to take hers, pushing it over his clothed heart. 

What if my dad is right

When he says that you're the one

No, I can't even argue

I won't even fight him on it

Call you when it's late

And I know that you're in bed

'Cause I'm three hours back

Seems like you're always six ahead

“Sweets.” his deep voice from across the room. 

“Yes, pops?” she walked closer, kneeling in front of his rocking chair. His face pale, losing all the colours life painted on his skin during the years. She wanted to cry, she didn’t let herself. 

His wrinkled hand finding the apple of her right cheek. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothin’ is, old man.”

“Your eyes are sad.” the affirmation took her aback hard. “What’s wrong?”

“I promise nothing is.” she took his hand between her owns. “I’m fine, you’re fine. We’re fine.” she laughed at her words nervously. 

“Where is the Elvis fan?”

She tried to keep her smile on her face when she asked, “Matty?”

“That one.” 

“He’s in Asia. Y’know, shows, tour, and everything a rock star does.” she said, standing up feeling his eyes on her face trying to read her. He was the only one with x-ray eyes. 

“He’s a good kid.” 

Matty would be stoked hearing her grandfather’s words. They were each other's fans. 

“Do you think he’s the one, sweets?” 

Her eyes shoot directly to his. The blue colour in them disappeared a little day by day, doctors said he was loosing his sight. Hard to believe when it was stronger than ever staring into her soul.

“What are you talkin’ about?” 

“He’s the one, isn’t he?”

“It’s- No, it’s- It’s not like that between us, okay?” she walked from side to side, trying to avoid the topic. The older man was wiser. 

“You want that. You love him.”

She chose to ignore him, giving him a simple explanation about starting lunch. The lingering sound of his knowing laugh following her around. 

*** 

Reading when your mind is full of feelings and worries is a difficult task to complete. She closed the book on her lap with a big huff. Her grandad was taking a nap, reason why she had enough time to let her thoughts invade her head. 

Her phone looking back at her a few meters away. She looked at it, resting her head on her palm. Her body pulled up from the porch’s stairs, walking anxiously around. ‘The old man is crazy’, she reasoned. ‘The sickness reached his brain’. 

Quickly as she stood up, the woman went to grab the device, tapping away until she was calling him. ‘He’ll see I’m not…Matty’s my friend.’, the repeated thought until Matty picked up with a sleepy voice.

“Missin’ me, sweetheart?” he said, making her heart explode. Shit.

“Not much as you.”

“How did you know?” Matty loved to teased her. Not expecting a real answer, he continued talking, “How’s he?” 

“Fuckin’ mental.” she pressed her foot hard into the grass like an angry kid. 

Don't know why I tried

'Cause ain't nobody like you

Familiar disappointment every single time I do

Every single night my arms are not around you

My mind's still wrapped around you

His concrete bunker hugging her. The house was quiet since she was the only one taking care of the place while he was away. She missed him, living inside his house for a few days wasn’t enough. 

Matty: Just landed. I’ll see you soon, sweetheart x 

She groaned at the screen. 

Baby, tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin'

Baby, any time you're ready

I'm waitin'

Even ten years from now

If you haven't found somebody

I promise, I'll be around

Tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin', yeah

“I asked her.”

He said just after she plopped down beside him on his fancy couch. 

“Ask who what?” she took a few chips from the pot. 

“I asked her…” he stressed the word more than she expected. “To marry me.”

Her heart skipped a few beets, her eyes wide. The chips got stucked on her throat, so she started coughing. Her body and soul drowning. 

Once she calmed down, after drinking half of her pint of beer, she exclaimed, “You did what?”

Matty laughed at her, thinking she was only surprised. He was surprised even. 

“I asked her to marry me. I'm finally going to make you my best man.” 

His words crushing her heart like it was nothing. 

“I- I- I don’t know what to say.” she looked at his eyes. He was happy and she wanted to die.

“Congratulations maybe?”

“Did she say yes?”

Matty scoffed, “Of course she said yes! It’s me!”

“Of course she said yes…” she repeated like a crazy woman. 

“Oh, c’mon! Be happy for me!” he urged her.

“I…” what could she do in a moment like that? Just lie. “I’m happy, Matty!” 

“Hug me!” 

“Is she really sure to marry a needy boy like you?” the only way out was a joke. 

“You think you’re so witty and funny.” Matty’s voice dripping sarcasm. “Close your mouth and hug me.”

And she did.

“I can’t believe it.” she whispered into his shoulder. The mix of cigarettes and his cologne taking over her senses. 

“Hey,” he moved back. “This…” Matty flew his hand between them. “This is not going away because I’m marrying her, okay?”

‘I’m sure everything is going to change’, she thought.

“I know, Matty.”

He brought her back into his chest, where she just wanted to stay forever. 

And if I have to, I'll wait forever (yeah)

Say the word and I'll change my plans

Yeah, you know that we fit together

I know your heart like the back of my hand

“Here you are.” she exclaimed after turning around the last corner of the fancy hotel. 

Matty didn’t move a muscle, smoking his cigarette, being unaware of his family and friends looking for the groom. 

“Here I am.” he hit a small stone with his shoe. 

She let all the anger left her body when she noticed his struggle. 

“Everything alright?” her voice cut the short silence that fell between them. 

“Yes. No. I don’t even know, sweetheart.” 

Her body moving closer, she couldn’t help it. “Matt-” 

“What if this is a mistake?”

“Matty.”

“What if marrying her tomorrow…it’s the biggest mistake of my life, and y’know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I can’t-” she watched him brush his hair back anxiously.

“Matthew.”

“Is this a mistake?” he looked at her. 

She had the answer ready at the tip of her tongue, she wanted to beg for him not to say ‘I do’. Selfishness wasn’t part of her list of characteristics. 

“Matty.” his hands were cold, the night air brought goosebumps to her skin. “Look at me.” she stood in front of him. “This is not a mistake. You love her, and she- she loves you.” the singer smile for the first time. “Even if this is a mistake, only time will tell. Do you want to marry her?” she dared to ask.

“Yes.” he muttered.

“Then that’s all that matters, Matty.”

“What would I do without you?” the lights outside reflecting on his beautiful eyes. They showed so much care for her. It warmed and crushed her beating heart.

“Survive. Now you’ll have a wife for all this.”

“No. This-” Matty went to move his hand, but she stopped him.

“Stop with that.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know you’re…it’s not real, Matty.” her eyes look softly into his. 

He wanted to ask her, to protest even, although someone ran closer to them.

“Fuck me!” George swore behind them. “He’s here!” he shouted back to someone. 

So baby, tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin'

Baby, any time you're ready

I'm waitin', yeah

“Matthew, do you take…” the old man between the couple started to say. “To be your lawfully wedded wife? Do promise to love and cherish her, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her, for so long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” he said, the whole church erupted into applauses as if they were one of the band’s crowd at a show. 

She didn’t feel like it was real. It was done. He was officially married to someone else, and she was going to witness his love from the side. Realization hit her.

Even ten years from now

If you haven't found somebody

I promise, I'll be around

Tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin', yeah

Baby, tell me when you're ready

I'm waitin', yeah

Baby, any time you're ready

I'm waitin', oh

Even ten years from now

If you haven't found somebody

I promise, I'll be around

Tell me when you're ready

She opened her eyes, staring at the white ceiling above her. The light was too bright, and her mouth felt like she swallowed a big chunk of ashes. 

Someone said her name, the sound silenced by her disoriented mind. Her head turned slowly, looking at Matty sitting on the floor. 

Her name on his lips once more. His lips moving, although the sound didn’t reach her ears. He pushed her hair to the side, furrowing his eyes…worried. 

“I’m fine.” she said. “What happened?” she tried to blink away the sickness taking over her body.

“You fainted, sweetheart.” 

Her eyes closed tight, cringing visibly, “Fuck.” 

“You almost gave me a heart attack, too.”

“Drama queen.”

“You fainted at my wedding, sweets.”

The nickname functioning as a calling for her eyes to return to Matty’s. He called her so many times ‘sweetheart’ she was used to it. On the other hand, no one except pops called her ‘sweets’. Her hearth swelling painfully, she lost every important man of her life. 

“Hey, hey…” Matty noticed the change on her factions. “It’s fine. We only care about you, nothing else.”

‘We, as him and her’, she reminded herself.

“I’m fine.” she tried to push her body up but the room was moving quicker, she had to lay down once more. Her eyes shielded from the outside world by her arm.

“No so fast.” Matty helped her. 

She supposed they were somewhere around the hotel. The party, his party. The weeding, Matty’s wedding at the other side of the closed door. 

“You should go, Matty.” he started protesting, even though she shushed him. “I’ll be fine. I promise I won’t move from here. I’ll call you if I need you, okay?”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” she was far from that. She wanted to keep him inside the room with her. “I’ll live. This is just another drunk story. Don’t worry.” the lies dropping faster than she could stop her mouth.

“I’ll come to check on you.”

“Fine.” she agreed, not really believing his words.

“See you in a bit, sweetheart.”

“Mhm.”

A tear rolled from her eyes after the door closed. She focused on it travelling down the side of her head, trying not to think or feel any more.

I'm waitin', I'm waitin' 

*********

[callmearcturus]

As the resident ITA hype person, I want to again say: you should listen to Into The Aether, a Lowkey Video Game Podcast.

I have listened to at this point a hundred media/hobby podcasts and dozens of video game-specific podcasts, and ITA is the best one. It's just the best one! I'm so glad to be the person to tell you this.

The entire conceit of ITA is that: this is a podcast that celebrates games and is built on love of games. The hosts only bring games to the show they enjoyed or found interesting. There is zero "let's talk about how bad this game is for 45 minutes."

HOWEVER, and this is the secret sauce of ITA to me, is a focus on positivity does not mean putting on blinders. Brendon and Stephen are super aware of the troubles of the games industry, of the continued crunch on the developers and creators, and... look, sometimes you enjoy a game and bring it to the show but also you can point out when it does something kinda terrible.

That is half of why I love ITA, that it can accentuate the positive without erasing the negative. And this show is like the standard-bearer for "A 6-out-of-10 game is more interesting than a 10-out-of-10 game." These are the guys.

The other reason I love ITA is their focus is timeless. If there is anything ITA should be Known For, it is they will play anything and don't really care about release calendars. Yeah, they will play the Big Event Games when they come out, like Elden Ring or TOTK or whatever, but they have a MASSIVE focus on older systems and older games.

To that end: their Season Four premiere episode was a full retrospective on the Game Boy Advance and its entire library. Since then, they have continued this tradition, spending months playing through the catalog of a single console and then opening each season with a huge episode focused just on that console. To date, they have done Game Boy Advanced, Nintendo DS, Sega Dreamcast, and today the Nintendo Gamecube.

(They also have a patrons-only retrospective on the Nintendo 3DS which IS worth the price of admissions, I promise.)

There's a lot of other reasons to love ITA.

The hosts are very conscious of burnout and their mental health and have now made it a tradition to take a few weeks off in the summertime before the season premieres. This last Summer Vacation, they did a special set of episodes hosted by their fabulous producer AJ in which they invited people onto the show to discuss different aspects of the games industry and those episodes were FASCINATING and excellent.

Stephen is a hardcore Theatre Kid Soul (who didn't get to do much Theatre, long story) and has the weirdest outbursts and bits that have had me in stitches.

Brendon has, over the course of ITA, gone from a person who doesn't like RPGs into a massive RPG fan, and watching that journey happen is really nice.

They explicitly will give games a second chance; they both bounced off Golden Sun during their GBA Retrospective and have been recently replaying it and enjoying it much more.

The original pitch of the podcast was "Stephen and Brendon try not to talk about The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind." The frequency at which they fail this is amazing.

They are currently trying to get into visual novels/dating sims and are huge fans of Tokimeki Memorial. The confidence with which Brendon can drop "Boku No Natsuyasumi" in conversation is Indicative of something. IYKYK.

Due to the lack of focus on what's Hip And Recent, the episodes have an uncommonly timeless feeling. Diving into the backlog is really fun.

The Season Seven Premiere is over the Nintendo Gamecube. It's a great place to start. I will also just list a few episodes I love off the dome.

Pokémon Crystal Bonus: as someone who has always loved Silver/Gold without having the language for why, this episode helped nailed down why. HUGE fan.

Berethor & NotGimli Are Dead: THE STORY OF THE LOTR GAME IS JUST GREAT.

Pretty Good Statham: FINALLY someone talking about the Playdate, yessss

Pigma's Allegory of the Cave: just an average episode but I remember really loving the Tetris Effect/REZ discussion.

X-Strike Summer 1: Break Glass in Case of Bandicoot: the first of the guest episodes that features a group of people with very different jobs in the games industry and have VERY interesting perspectives. HUGELY rec.

An Introduction to the Sega Dreamcast: Originally a patron-only episode but I was one of many ppl who yelled "PUT IT ON THE MAIN FEED" and you're all welcome! This episode features guest star Chris Plante (Polygon EIC) guiding the boys through the history of the Dreamcast. It's both a fascinating piece of history and also has a Plot Twist that uh. It... made me cry? Yeah.

I could keep scrolling back more but I think you all get the picture. ITA is the best game podcast. Please give it a shot.

[eastgaysian]

me: i guess it's just the more i think about it, the humor in/around bg3 starts to feel like larian cares more about pleasing people, even if it breaks immersion or flattens/flanderizes characters, than making a game that's fun and funny because of a consistent internal logic and sense of genre and setting.

the tulpa of tom wambsgans i keep in the attic: people do like funny games.

me: but what does it mean for a game as an interactive medium to be funny? like, people find it funny if a game is broken or janky, but a game can also be funny because the mechanics are working and they're designed in a funny way. like, the disco elysium skills are effectively their own cast of characters as a part of the mechanics, and intentionally made into a huge element of the game's humor. watching harry fumble is a lot funnier when the peanut gallery always has something to say about it. or even, i dunno, the very obsidian bit of dialogue choices going 'yes,' 'no,' '[lie] yes,' '[lie] no.' that's humor that relies on the nature of dialogue trees.

tulpa wambsgans, who i've forced to play disco elysium: right. there's plenty of times when you thought the mechanics of bg3 led to funny situations, though.

me: that's not exactly what i'm trying to get at. or it's not the biggest part of it. like, i feel like i've brought this up one too many times already, but the 'hot githyanki girlfriend' dialogue choice you get when romancing lae'zel - it's 'funny,' right? it's supposed to be funny.

tulpa wambsgans: i mean, it is, funny. isn't it?

me: i mean, not to me. i think it's fucking cringe. but it's like, why is that cringe to me, and not disco elysium's 'i want to have fuck with you?' on the surface, it seems like kind of similar humor, like it's your character saying stupid shit. but in disco elysium, the joke is on you-as-harry, because that became your dialogue option after you failed. and the... i'd argue central conceit of disco elysium, maybe, is that harry as an amnesiac wreck with a bunch of skills talking to him in his head is the only way to in-world make sense of a guy who acts like a video game character. and the joke is that you're a video game character selecting dialogue options, but if you were a real person, like harry's supposed to be, you'd seem like a fucking weirdo, and people in the game treat you like a fucking weirdo.

tulpa wambsgans: so what's the problem with baldur's gate 3?

me: i guess it feels like the joke is on the game for being a game that wants to be taken seriously? on the characters within it, for being characters that can only take the game seriously? i don't know if that makes sense. when you incorporate in memes like the god's favorite princess stuff or whatever it was, that's for the player, like almost as a reward for making that joke about the game outside of the game. but it's also, i mean, it's a huge... oversimplification of everything shadowheart's got going on, right? like, shar is or was explicitly abusing her.

tulpa wambsgans: it's a joke, though.

me: right, but what kind of relationship does that create, between the player and the studio, and the player and the game, if the player is rewarded for these kinds of jokes by having them funneled back into the game as part of its reality? the game of fandom telephone where canon events and characters get simplified and miscommunicated over and over, but this time the studio, the makers of canon, are in on it. i mean, it doesn't need to be about jokes, i think that just bothers me more because people tend to have such a positive reaction to jokes. like, lae'zel's dismiss to camp dialogue being changed as well as minthara's recruitment no longer conflicting with halsin's is i would argue part of the same problem.

tulpa wambsgans: ....does any of this really matter?

me: tulpa tom wambsgans you know i only come up into the attic to talk to you about shit that doesn't matter

[eeriehowl]

the way bel found a family that actually loves him, despite how they may all act on the outside, while rasiel was met with individuals who would let him be eliminated for their ends in a heartbeat. say what you want about varia not caring for each other, they don't actually feel that way. they have each other's back in the end. xanxus is there to kill rasiel when bel couldn't. he did not do it for bel's sake, but he was actually there to follow up on the havoc rasiel was raining down. rasiel? rasiel had no one to fall back on. not a soul was going to help him against xanxus' wrath.

after being introduced to rasiel and having him reveal how much he belittled bel, how he was allegedly constantly rubbing in his face that he was better than him, it's beautiful karma to see bel not being alone anymore. he's not the 8 year old kid that had no one to rely on except himself. he has a family.

what's especially heart wrenching about knowing their backstory properly is that you find out why bel acts the way he does. suddenly, we are told that rasiel's treatment of him is the source of so much of what makes up bel as a person. it clicks. i still most often see people thinking of bel as conceited, but i really don't see that. not with the context of him looking completely blank when rasiel says that he was always better, no smile, no retort.

when bel lets down his guard with lussuria in the manga interview, he is extremely dismissive throughout. he is in no way excited to talk about himself. he even says that he doesn't want to stand out too much at the end section of one of the volumes where characters comment on fanart. this kind of humble comment doesn't exactly fit the way people around him tend to view his vanity. bel's desperation while fighting as soon as he bleeds also seems like...more than just flashbacks to that fateful night that he killed rasiel. it's like the inferiority complex he must have built up kicking in, he has to win, he has to get validation that he can win. he can't keep losing like he did repeatedly to rasiel in the past. again, i have to emphasize that rasiel says that bel was always worse than him and bel does not speak out. the one who everyone would see as egotistical does not say a word to defend himself. just silence. not even a hint of annoyance. this all sounds like i'm just taking things from canon and making a headcanon through that (which is fine), but then you realize that bel's only dislike listed on his "vongola 77" character page is himself. bel calling himself a genius & making his royalty a statement is sometimes simply just for mischief, a funny excuse he likes to throw around, and other times a cover. maybe a few times, he actually believes it. when he succeeds.

on the other hand, rasiel fully believes that he is better than everyone else. i have no doubt about that. even when bel won once, he still thinks bel is inferior. that bel is trash in comparison to himself. but in the end, he got destroyed by bel's boss who labels *him* trash. throwing that straight at his ego.

[bestworstcase]

Ooo share the unorthodox ruby & oscar thoughts. Romance has never been a draw for me and in this case fanon flattens and honestly mutilates the significance and nuance to their relationship. There’s a lot of interesting things going on here that gets lost and I think that’s a shame

right so the rosegarden orthodoxy goes something like: "oscar is the Only Person who sees and understands the pressure ruby is under and the pain this causes, and the central conceit of his character is about learning how to take care of her because she is precious to him and needs to be taken care of." central to this orthodoxy is the reading of 'the little prince' as a romantic love story between the prince and the rose, with ruby interpreted as "his rose."

for a more thorough breakdown of my thoughts on the intertextual layer, refer to this post. the TL;DR is this: the rose is not the prince's partner—she is his dependent. he returns to her as her caretaker: a child grown up and ready to embrace the joys and responsibilities of parenthood. 'the little prince' is an allegory about parent-child relationships and the importance of treating children with respect and kindness. fortunately for the rosegarden shippers in the audience, ruby is not the rose. she alludes to the snake—the one character in the story who meets the prince as a friend and an equal. 

now, before getting into the weeds i do want to stress that, 1. i'm not a shipper and i don't "ship rosegarden" in the usual sense, but 2. ruby/oscar is canon and narratively important and i think about it in those terms.

"but oscar is a child, he's fifteen, he's two years younger than—" thank you for your opinion, person who ships ruby with another character 2+ years older than her, i'll take that under advisement. 

"but ruby doesn't need a love interest—" no character 'needs' a love interest, but rwby is a love story about fairytales and its romantic arcs are thematically motivated.

"but he has ozpin in his head and that makes it—" weird, yes. this tension is the fulcrum upon which the romantic arc turns and, also, it is going to be resolved by way of breaking the curse and removing ozma from oscar's head. this is a fairytale. what is not clicking.

here is my first unorthodox ruby/oscar thought: it is not complicated. the set up is really quite clear and if the rosegarden shippers would quit barking up irrelevant trees for five minutes they might notice the forest, which is to say, the foundational argument for canonicity is simply this:

marrow sees yang's disastrous stab at flirting with blake and comments, exasperated, "man, i did not sign up to be a babysitter." later, marrow watches ruby and oscar stammer through an awkward conversation resolving their volume-spanning emotional conflict and mutters, "ugh, kids." marrow's commentary underscores the tangible subtext of romantic interest in both exchanges and implies an equivalency between blake/yang and ruby/oscar.

the reunion scene in V8 is structured such that the platonic reunions occur first—ruby rushes out to hug yang, then clasps jaune's hands while yang hugs weiss—before the more lingering romantic ones. yang goes to reassure blake that things are okay and the bees forehead touch happens; ren steps forward to ask where nora is; ruby says oscar's name and goes to embrace him before emerald's presence distracts her. this again positions ruby/oscar together with the other textual romances.

that's it. there are plenty of supporting details with which to build out a more comprehensive argument, of course, but the narrative flags ruby/oscar by grouping that relationship together with the other two main pairings. (rwby does the same thing in a more overt way to confirm blake/yang […again] in V7; nora tries to initiate a romantic confession by comparing herself and ren to them.)

ozpin retreats from oscar's mind, leaving oscar free to be his own person—"i started to feel like me"—and during this time oscar comes into his own he develops an obvious crush on ruby as the narrative begins to not-so-subtly move this relationship into a romantic context. ozpin's absence opens the door for the pairing and ozma's return creates a seemingly-insurmountable obstacle. the romantic arc is about surmounting that obstacle—separating ozma and oscar—so that oscar can be free to live his own life.

it's not complicated.

so with all of that being said, let's talk about the notion—central to rosegarden orthodoxy—that oscar is uniquely supportive of ruby, and never leans on her the way all the other characters do.

in a word: no.

the cornerstone piece of evidence supporting this reading is the dojo scene in V5, construed as oscar "getting ruby to open up emotionally" leading to his recognition that "this must be really hard for her, too." but:

ruby comes downstairs to find oscar doubled over, panting heavily, with ozpin's cane in his hands—he's training alone, pushing himself almost to the point of collapse. this is not good for him or physically safe, which ruby would know as someone trained as a warrior from childhood. she says: "you're really getting better, huh? are you hungry? it's almost dinnertime." this is a soft way of telling oscar that he's done enough for the night and he should take a break. ruby is checking on him to make sure he's okay.

oscar agrees that he was "about to call it a night anyway," ruby asks about his past, he answers casually, she tells him he "looks like a natural!"—and then oscar looks down at long memory and says "it's strange. i've only had this cane for a few weeks, but i feel like i've had it for a lifetime. longer, even… i sound like a crazy person." 

"i mean, uh… yeah, just a little. but at this pace, you'll be combat ready in no time!" says ruby, and then catches herself echoing penny and gets sad.

what happened here?

oscar is training this hard because ozpin told him to, explicitly in order to increase the tempo of the curse: "oscar can give me temporary control, but he'll need to strengthen his body and aura. he'll inherit my muscle memory in time, but training will expedite the process." the reason oscar seems like a prodigy is ozpin's skill and experience bleeding through. 

in ruby's mind, "you look like a natural!" is a compliment. but what oscar hears is a reminder that his life is no longer his own: he gazes down at ozpin's weapon and states that he feels like it's belonged to him for lifetimes—and he doesn't like that. "i sound like a crazy person."

the reminder of what's happening to oscar makes ruby uncomfortable—she deflects and tries to put on a happy face, but the truth slips through. "you'll be combat ready in no time!" associates oscar with penny—who is dead. neither ruby nor oscar will say it out loud, but they both understand that he's going to die as ozpin's soul amalgamates with his. and when oscar begins to open up about how scared he is, ruby flinches away—gotta stay positive!!!—only to trip on her grief for penny.

her smile falters. she tucks into herself and turns away. in trying to hide from the thought of oscar being erased, ruby reminded herself of penny. she's already watched helplessly while two of her friends died. she is scared of letting herself get close to oscar, knowing that she won't be able to save him either. so she tries to withdraw.

but she's the first—and so far, only—person oscar has ever tried to talk to about how scared he is, and what he sees is ruby brushing him off and turning her back. "how do you handle all of this?! […] i'm… scared. i'm more scared than i've ever been in my life, more than i ever thought was possible. i always knew that i wanted to be more than a farmhand, but this? who would ask for this?"

<- note the echo here of what ozpin said to him in V4: "you do have an opportunity [for] greatness: greatness in knowing that when the world needed help, you were the one to reach out your hand. it won't come without hardship, without sacrifice, but i know you don't want to live the rest of your life working as a farmhand in mistral," which oscar experienced as a violation ("you just decided to read my thoughts?!") and which ozpin justified on the grounds that "well, they're our thoughts now."

the dojo scene is not about oscar offering ruby emotional support or pushing her to open up about her feelings because he can see that she's hurting. the dojo scene is about oscar breaking down and begging ruby to hear him, to be here with him instead of turning away because he's terrified of what ozpin is doing to him and ruby is dealing with all the same problems but acts like she doesn't care. "people have tried to kill you! the world's about to go to war all over again! how are you okay with any of this?!"—he lashes out at her because he's seeking a real connection and ruby keeps brushing him off.

so ruby—who is very empathetic and insightful enough to recognize why oscar just exploded at her—tells him honestly why she turned away. two of her friends died at beacon, and she is scared specifically of letting anyone else be killed. this is an important emotional moment for her in that she really did need to talk about penny and pyrrha, yes, but that's not quite the point of this scene.

rather, it's about the choice to be vulnerable and trust each other with absolute emotional honesty. oscar is afraid to die. ruby is afraid to lose another friend, and therefore afraid to let herself become close to oscar. he opens up to her about his fears and challenges her to reciprocate, and she does. that's the basis of their bond. by extension the dojo scene also sets up the core emotional conflict underpinning the romantic arc, which is that ruby can't bring herself to face the truth about what ozma's curse is doing to oscar.

that comes between them here. it floats uneasily around them in the aftermath of what jinn tells them: "i'm just going to be another one of his lives, aren't i?" says oscar, and "of course not," says ruby, "you're your own person—" and "don't lie to him, ruby," says qrow, "we're better than that."

at the end of V6, ruby exclaims that "oscar made a successful crash landing! he's a fourteen year old farmhand!" and oscar squirms and admits that ozpin helped him do that. in V7, yang confronts ruby on her choice to lie to ironwood by asking "how did oscar feel about that?" and the way oscar felt about it is hesitant to take the lamp back and fretting that "hiding things from ironwood, doesn't that feel like what ozpin did to us?" and ruby echoes that fear to qrow in the next episode. 

the rest of V7 is filled with references, courtesy of ironwood, to oscar's similarity to ozpin. "eventually," ironwood tells him, "you won't even know who's who anymore." but oscar never stops trying to assert himself as an individual. in V8, salem rubs the thinning boundary between him and ozma in oscar's face and that terrifies him so badly that he insists upon staying put under torture rather than let ozpin take over or risk using magic because "every time we use magic, i can feel us merging faster." 

they exit the volume more in sync, notionally on equal terms—and then in the ever after, this happens:

ruby cuts neo's simulacrum of ozpin down and reveals oscar, mortally wounded. she's spent four volumes pretending everything is fine—encouraged by ozpin's withdrawal and some of her grief eased by  penny's return—and all that denial ends here. she experiences what scared her back in the dojo scene, getting close to oscar only to watch him die, subsumed completely by ozpin.

here's what you're most afraid of. what are you going to do about it?

<- pyrrha is gone. penny is gone, and not coming back. but oscar is alive, and ruby can't pretend anymore that the way things are is okay. she's going to have this image of oscar dying in ozpin burning in her mind every time she sees oscar and (just as nora's injury led ren to admit his feelings and yang's apparent death gave her and blake the push they needed to take the next step) that demands change.

what that change will look like is an open question—it could be anything from ruby simply opening up to oscar about how scared she is of losing him in particular to ruby actively trying to come up with a way to save him—but whatever it is will move toward separating ozma from oscar.

similarly, while oscar recognizes at the end of the dojo scene that "this must be really hard for her too," his mild hero-worship of her continues unabated throughout V5 (think about oscar shaking her and telling her "get up! we need you!" while she's unconscious at haven) and even after they find a more even footing during V7-8 he still contributes to the weight on her shoulders (it is oscar saying "all this doubt and and worry and distrust, it isn't getting us anywhere" that causes ruby to snap and run out of the room in V8). oscar, too, is forced to confront the fact of her mortality. how does he respond when ruby turns out to be alive?

well.

one of the obstacles to the ozlem reconciliation is that ozma has never allowed himself to empathize with salem's grief—he was dead, he never saw her anguish, and the way jinn narrates ozpin's side of the story dismisses the very real pain and anguish salem felt as merely a pretext for what was really just spiteful lashing out at the gods. ozma leapt at the chance to return to her but he has never really understood that she felt the same depth of feeling for him.

he's in oscar's head right now. they are separate people still, but ozma feels what oscar feels and thinks what he thinks and remembers his memories—and also they're on speaking terms again. and oscar has been put in salem's position: he looked up to ruby as a noble hero, he had nascent romantic feelings for her, and now she's gone. oscar to sit with that for several weeks, maybe a couple months, before ruby comes back. and ozma has to bear witness.

i think the change this incites for oscar will be less about ruby than it is a reason for oscar to challenge ozma, building from the ways oscar challenges him in V8 (to trust oscar, to become more honest, to face his mistakes) and giving oscar a chance to continue to maintain his own identity separate from ozma. which again, facilitates an eventual physical separation and the ozlem reconciliation.

<- rip to all the rosegardeners who want ruby/oscar to be the rebound and/or narrative refutation of ozlem. it is not that. lol.

[lawluenvy]

something a lot of people dont understand:

multishipping is just more fun!!!

why the fuck not? don't you love your little buddy? aren't you so in love with x character yourself that you imagine that everyone else must fall/be in love with them too?

like i know that lawlu will never happen but i love it anyways. cuz why the fuck not? why the fuck not imagine that law has fallen head over heels for the monkey boy that barelled into his life and saved it asking for nothing in return and trusting you when all logic says he probably shouldn't? why become invested in your pirate rival's future and wellbeing enough to go to the war you happened to hear he started and save him before he kills himself out of recklessness? you met exactly once before this. why do you care law??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!

you know what other one piece ship i love that has real concrete basis for? (altho censorship and heteronormativity may still prevent it of course) --- zolu!!!! undying love and devotion and trust in one another??? captain and first mate???? the only man Mr. Greedy Gut Luffy himself would ever/has ever offered to share his food with????? incredible.

multishipping is just fun y'all! shipping isn't/shouldn't be all about what is actually realistic or has basis or is the most "moral" based on real world modern standards

it's just fun to take two or more characters you love and try to imagine "hm how would this happen/work?" cuz WHY NOT?

just because i believe that zolu is legit and beautiful and endgame does not invalidate my wholehearted belief that law is in love with luffy and my desire to imagine "what if luffy liked law back?"

alright?

it's just fun y'all. fandom is supposed to be fun and an escape from the terrible disappointment that is real life - i'm so tired of people trying to bring real life into it. get your ugly ass reality out of here alright!? i'm here for the fantasy!!! i'm here for the "anything is possible!!!"s not the "actually this ship makes 0 sense for x and y reasons so you shouldn't be shipping that- people should be shipping my monoship only cuz it's more valid" like stfu no one cares you sound like a conceited loser

by all means if multishipping isnt for you cuz you just LOVE this ONE SHIP SO MUCH you can't picture anything else (so valid tbh) then alright you may ship what you wish how you like it of course buuuuut:

don't shit on other people's ships like fandom engagement is just some contest of moral superiority??? like??? who the fuck?

get out of here with that. so boring- if we wanted real life post-modern late stage capitalist "everything is a competition" and the heteronormative christian monogamy that simultaneously condemns but endangers individuals to manipulative and toxic relationship dynamics that is embedded within it --- why would we be here in the first place??? if that's what you want then why are YOU here?

i wish i lived in a world where it didnt fucking matter that luffy is only 18 because why should that matter? of course i know why in our reality it would be something to be concerned about but in one piece? on the grand line? where people can be made entirely of rubber or metal blades or goddamn smoke? and where law and luffy are in the same pirate generation and have obvious and clear respect for each other???

why on earth would i ever want to and choose to view lawlu in the problematic light of our fucked up contemporary where by its standards if luffy is only 18 and law is 26 then one would assume law must clearly just be taking advantage of luffy's naïvety cuz that's what people in this reality are most often like --- when the ONE PIECE REALITY is that law views luffy as his equal and is a MUCH BETTER REALITY! like why would you want to bring what sucks about our world into theirs??? it's not like luffy's pubescent like what is your problem??? y'all infantalize him so much when you do this and it's gross. he's a whole ass man with big dreams and a big ship and a big destiny - get outta here with that real life bullshit.

anyways.

i could rant about shipping discourse literally forever cuz its a subject that sadly never ends.

this applies to so many different ships in so many different fandoms but im just using lawlu vs. zolu as an example because the absurdity of one piece is just such an excellent demonstration of why applying our world's standards on fantasy worlds is a stupid waste of time

stopping forcing things into your black and white boxes of good and bad. shit's "grey" and rainbow as fuck. i look outside the window of my office right now and i see a world that is literally not black in white - there is colour everywhere. your rigid standards don't even work here despite the machinations of society demanding it must be so- and they definitely don't work in worlds that dont exist

fuck your real world problems when we're talking about fantasy worlds

i choose to spend my time in fantasy worlds cuz i fucking hate it here on our doomed planet earth

fantasy is so much better than here

let people have their fantasies - it is literally harming no one

[chocolatepot]

Rewatching. Yes, already.

Detailed 2.01 thoughts:

I cannot get over Crowley's ridiculous angelic hair and I think it's mainly just because it's him, because I don't entirely hate it itself - it's basically Stede's hair in the anniversary scenes, but red.

Aziraphale giving Crowley Looks while Crowley is oblivious - so interesting. I need to rewatch s1 or at least just the Eden scene to recontextualize it.

"Crowley was important and had a major hand in the creation of the world" is a good fanon and I'm glad it was canonized. One bit that I can't get over is that this means that to some extent, Crowley is God in the Bible? He is the one who said "Let there be light."

I love that the questions that made him fall were so well-intentioned. He fell because of love for the world. Definitely recontextualizes his aversion of the apocalypse in s1.

Maggie's misspelling of "urgency" has to be relevant to something ... is it just supposed to be the fact that she's upset? But her handwriting is still very neat. I am perhaps overthinking this but that's what second watchings are for.

I want to cosplay as Shax. This dark red outfit would not be too hard to make. The biggest issue would be getting that pussy bow to stay nice and taut.

Love that Crowley cares about what to feed ducks. He loves the world so much.

Jon Hamm getting to be comedic is always awesome. You can tell that that's what he loves to do - so funny that he managed to be Don Draper for years with only occasional scenes of dry or incidental humor.

The Nina:Aziraphale parallel is so strong in these opening scenes - not picking up on Maggie's interest AT ALL.

And Aziraphale not being able to bring himself to say "I love you" to Gabriel, even though it's the polite thing to do and he knows it. Obviously funny in the moment because he has this history with Gabriel but in context with the end of the season it's like ... this man cannot let himself say he loves ANYONE, for any reason, can he.

Aziraphale's right - giving Maggie a break on her rent was a purely selfish action. I love that this season really pushes Aziraphale's selfishness in contrast with everything Crowley does out of love for the world, humanity, and Aziraphale. I mean, the thread's there in s1 but it's so foregrounded from the word "go" here.

"Not that sort of teenager." I feel you, Maggie. I wasn't either.

Yeah, yeah, you want Gabriel away from yourself and your existence, Crowley. You're not worried about Gabriel killing Aziraphale. Sure.

I feel like they could have done something a bit more creative re: Beelzebub's recasting, rather than just calling attention to it and then saying "this happened." Funny to rewatch this scene knowing that Bee is going on about how Crowley can have anything if he finds Gabriel and using Aziraphale helping him as a lever to get him to do it because they want Gabriel to be safe themself.

"Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy" playing as Crowley races back to protect Aziraphale from "extreme sanctions". 😍😍😍

I love the conceit of representing Lindsay's texts to Nina as scrawled notes on crumpled paper. I don't know if there's a significance to that beyond artistic reasons?

Can't remember if they addressed this later - how is it that Crowley and Aziraphale feel like they only did a teeny tiny miracle when it was actually massive? Is it that a minor effort from the two of them together builds on their connection and has a major result, or is it just that what they were doing was so technically difficult that it actually took more miracle than they realized?

[recurring-polynya]

Question 9, 7, and 15 for the ask meme!

PS: i reread the tags and forgot to specify for 15; the latest chapter for this one.

Context note, since this is the first one: For people who don't keep up with my writing updates, I'm currently doing an ask meme for my next fanfic, Working Title: Ductwork, which is about Renji getting surgery to get an old Inuzuri injury repaired. Rukia wants to take care of him during his recovery and he doesn't want her to because there's a lot of Inuzuri Trauma tied up in it that both of them refuse to acknowledge or talk about. Here's the ask meme if you want to play!

---

9. What is your favorite dialogue you’ve written so far?

I can't share my favorite dialogue, even though I really want to, because it's the culmination of a bit I've been dragging out through multiple stories and I want it to hit like a brick when it lands. As a consolation, here's my second favorite dialogue, a totally normal conversation between two shinigami captains:

“I am at your disposal, of course, Captain Unohana,” Byakuya replied, gingerly taking the visitor’s chair across from her.  “This is about your lieutenant, of course,” Captain Unohana said pleasantly, folding her hands on her desk. “Of course,” Byakuya agreed, determined not to say anything incriminating vis-a-vis the stabbing. “It was my understanding that you have examined the interior of his arm?” Unohana’s eyes were almost…sparkling…with excitement. “Have you ever seen such a thing? Absolutely horrifying! And yet, he says he’s able to successfully cast kidou, even hadou like shakkahou, which rely on bulk power-channeling. Have you seen him do it?” “Well, yes. I have seen him unsuccessfully cast shakkahou many times, as well. But Abarai has never been one to let grievous injury dispirit him.” “Oh, yes, I am aware,” Unohana nodded. “We’re quite fond of Abarai at the Fourth, you know. When he was Sixth Seat at the Eleventh, he often escorted injuries over here and kept them in line if they tried any disrespect. Lieutenant Kira was Third Seat here at the time, maybe that was why. Or perhaps it was because he’s spent so much time in the Trauma Department himself. He has quite a remarkable capacity for self-healing, you know. One of our trauma medics actually developed a kaidou based on a thing he saw Abarai’s body do by itself once.” “I did not need or wish to know that,” Byakuya pointed out.

7. What is your favorite scene you’ve written so far?

My favorite scene so far is actually from the back half of the fic, that is, the part I'm not working on at the moment. One of the conceits of the fic is that Renji has to have most of his reiatsu bound up while he's recovering (it's the shinigami equivalent of being on immune-suppressants to prevent organ transplant rejection). Zabimaru, who is supposed to go dormant but does not, finds this very upsetting and decides to make it Rukia's problem. As far as I am concerned, this scene is the only reason I wrote this fanfic.

15. In as vague of terms as possible (to avoid spoiling), how do you anticipate this chapter/fic to end?

The plan is for the chapter to end with a flashback of Rukia first learning to write, but that's one of the points I'm a little sticky on at the moment, so we'll see if that stays or not.

[plumsaffron]

Cherry Crimson Brine Final (3-3)

Improbable For Healing

(Yikes this part is long. I suck at splitting. But I’m also really lazy and Don’t feel like splitting to 4 parts.) Now then the link to part 2-3 here All parts of this Brine here Otherwise, suffer and read more (or ignore LOL)

Twilight Puts the Butterfy Miraculous On Nooroo appears Nooroo: Are you my new master? Cat Noir: Don't call me that. Just call me Cat Noir or Adrien. Nooroo: What do you seek from me? The Truth about the Previous Butterfly Holder Cat Noir: And information about guardians abilities to seal superpowers if you know. Those are the things I need to uncover if you can help me. Nooroo: This might take a while. 

It's also hard to piece things together if you're inside a miraculous. I'll do my best. Cat Noir: Thank you, Nooroo. (Maybe things could change for the better.)

Meanwhile Somewhere Else Tikki: You need to go to sleep, Marinette. Marinette: I can't. It bothers me how people became when I'm not monitoring or defending the peace. Tikki: You care about, Lila? Marinette: What no. Um. Idk. It's just uh... I thought that it would not be like this. Not even I would think that conceited snobbish bully, Chloe, would face this kind of infliction she has. I thought people would be at peace and move on to making the world better. There is no Hawk Moth.

No Gabriel.

No Nathalie being bad anymore. 

Chloe is far far away and unable to bring misery to the world anymore. I just don't understand why the town hasn't moved on. AHK I Forgot To Set Up A Plan Of Things To Do With Adrien. I mean uh uh Mylene. Wait um… Well Tikki: Just go to sleep.

Sunrise Lila Rossi Awakens in shock Highly tensed Nino: You blocks her hit Dude! Calm down! 

Relax. She chills out Lila: I’m still alive? Nino: Of course, Lila. Lila: Why are you acting like this. Nino: Acting like what? Lila: Without malice. Nino: Huh? Lila: Well thank you. Nino: No need to thank me.

Rena Rouge saved your life.

She requested for me to watch over you. Lila: Why are you being nice to me? We are no longer- Nino: That was the past. 

Currently, things aren’t looking too well with you. 

I don’t believe what the forums and news and people say about you but many do, unfortunately. I’m sorry none of us were able to protect you like we should have much earlier. Society has been quite out of whack. 

Seems you can never really have peace around here. 

There’s always someone being there for trouble or finding it. That being said, just stay here for a bit. You’ll be safe here for now. Lila:… nods

Morning Time As Marinette wakes up Marinette: The Butterfly Miraculous? And a note. Picks the note up (From Cat Noir? WHAT?! Does he know?! 

Oh wait it says Rena Rouge sent it his words. Phew. Now…) Talk to Nooroo If you want to answers to the truth…? Marinette: Very crpytic… But if you say so.

Puts it on

Nooroo: I’ve been waiting a long time for you, Guardian? Marinette: I need to know. 

Is what the Ex. Guardian said about Lila true?

Nooroo: Compared to the master before her and other links I’m connected to; She’s a kid like you.

Marinette: but what about the evidence stating otherwise. Nooroo: You should be careful what information you take as the  ultimate. 

I expect better from you. Well actually not really. Marinette: What?! Nooroo: Didn’t you hear Betterfly’s speech and him believing in you. Marinette: So Tikki isn’t the only one multiversally linked? But the Ex. Guardian and she wasn’t saying anything about their statements. Nooroo: The Guardian Who Deflected and laid waste upon my previous holder. I have a question for you.

Why couldn’t she say anything? 

And secondly, why would that matter anymore after what you seen from the Parisians and maybe the world’s treatment against her? Realizes Lila’s been set up to be silent

Marinette: The Former Guardian was preventing her from speaking. 

And sealed my power away But why? Nooroo: Ask yourself that question. Marinette: Why are you acting like I am that villain.

Nooroo: You two are more in common than you would be calm with. You only are starting to realize your skewed antics. 

Still, you like doing like the guardian which is seal or fabricate the truth from most importantly, my former master’s son. I sensed how dangerous you get upon the girl. Has anyone told you that the way you have been, 

causes trouble or rather can attract s he worst of people 

or assists making people undo any form of trying to let go. 

And still you kept persisting and chasing. Marinette: How do you know this? Nooroo: I’m a butterfly or would it be moth? 

Regardless, Marinette, many similar things but different forms. 

What you are witnessing is what the manifestation of your hatred being expressed for what it truly is or beyond your threshold. Marinette: This isn’t my fault. Nooroo: Sounds like a lie?

Marinette: You’re accusing me of being a liar?! fed up

Nooroo: Maybe you should look back and question your way of thinking since she first arrived. 

And question, why did those 3 that loved Lila, die the day before the people of Paris started their destruction towards her? You could say you aren’t the root 

but look deeper and look at what follows your path. But if you really want a quicker way of figuring things out, well… You know what to do. 

Think better. Be better.

Marinette: Dark Wings Rise ???: Tikki Butterfly Unify Lady Moth: Now to put an end to what’s been troubling me. (If only the other thing… could have been this easy. 

So I can be at true peace.)

Afternoon in Alya’s room

Lila: Thank you. Alya: For what? Oh. I see. 

Yeah. Don’t mention it. Just stay hiding. You aren’t supposed to be here. 

Sadly, everyone else’s parents are insisting you’re bad news. My family might flip if they see you. Lila: Yeah I know. 

All because of that Guardian that that sparked my ultimate disaster. Alya: So what will you do now? Lila: I don’t know. This city doesn’t want me to escape. Won’t set me free or let me be. 

It’s too invested in destroying me.

And here I thought Marinette and Ladybug were bent on that.

Alya: Marinette is... My best friend is not like-

Lila: Spare me. 

I know Marinette is the hero of the world and the ultimate coverup. Alya: (She knows) Lila: I’m not in the mood of monologuing her willingness to go by any length,

at any second, to out me anytime ritual. Lila: Don’t worry. I won’t tell the world or you of my perspective. 

I quit. It wouldn’t change my fate. 

Even if I did prove the maleficent guardian is completely wrong; 

This world will never see differently. 

I am permanently embedded by their perception.

Alya:…

Well… Um….

Me and our friends will try to get you in a place where you can start a new life again. Lila: Our friends? Alya: Yes. Lila: There’s no way I could ever be that. 

For that to work, you’d have to no longer be against Chloe. Alya: It’s complicated. 

When we or she approach that time of mending things, it will happen. Lila: hmm. (I guess you former friends were decent for the most part). Is this because I am helpless that you feel for me? Alya: Possibly. 

Many things happened since you disappeared. 

Realization and change, that kind of stuff.

Alya: Well it’s time I go out and start planning things 

as she starts to leave her room Maybe one day people will realize they were wrong about you. Alya falls But Lila stops Alya from falling flat on the floor

Lila: Sorry I had to KO you but I'm taking over now. After all, you should not be ones of Parisians vengeance because y'all tried to protect I. Wakes up an hour later Alya: Lila?! (Seems she took a spare set of my clothes). I need to tell them she went on her own before it's too late. Trixx, Lets Pounce! Somewhere near the airport

Ladybug & Cat Noir: Lila Lila: (Oh no) Turns to them Hmph... Well this brings back memories of us alone. 

Back to square one. Cat Noir: You can't leave yet. Lila: Oh my gosh. Drop it. 

I am so sick of this malicious town.  

Don't try to stop me. Ladybug: You. 

You’ll- Your life ends if you leave. Lila: I've faced the brink of that 3 times. But I've got a plan Why would vermin like you ever want to chat with me? Ladybug: It because we have seen the truth. Rabbit Noir: Let me show you Opens the burrow Please, Lila, follow us.

Lila:...*grunts* (fine) They walk into the burrow

Lila: Looks like a timeline channel. Ladybug: It  pretty much is. Rabbit Noir: Look at these.

She looks at a bunch of them

Lila: I see… So, I'm destined to cease being. 

Whether I stay or leave elsewhere. No matter what I attempt. 

It's showing nothing I do matters. 

Always my final rest.

Rabbit Noir: Yeah. I wish this wasn't but it seems this is the truth,

Lila: I guess all I can do is last as long as I can for myself. 

If I reach the end of me, then so be it. Ladybug: What?! You're giving up?! Lila: Everyone that resists conforming will eventually have to sooner or later. Besides... I accepted my fate while I thought it was really the end when submerged in the water. Rabbit Noir: You have the opportunity to go back in the past. So you would never be marked with this pain and suffering to begin with. Lila: Pass Rabbit Noir: What?! But what about your mom or moms? Lila: I've already thought about that.

Besides, you two would still be my enemies.

She and Marinette would continue chasing after me.

Or the two would get someone else after me

I rather live in the awful reality of...

Who, what, or how people truly are instead of going back. Lila: I have to continue carrying on. They frown from her speech Lila: If you want to give an opportunity to heal someone's sorrow,

go to Chloe Bourgeois.

I can never go back to sleep from what I've witnessed.

I guess I'm built like that now. 

No longer how I once was.

Maybe it's best for me. Ladybug: Don't say that.

Lila: It's too late. It's my unwavering resolve. 

This is... 

who I am.

Ladybug: There's got to be something I can do. Lila: Good luck with that. It's time I return Ladybug: Wait!

Rabbit Noir: (I hope you find a new path before it's too late Ladybug.) Ladybug: Lucky Charm! Gets an irrelevant object Lucky Charm! another useless object LUCKY CHARMA LUCKY CHARM LUCKY CHARM! All in vain Lila: Is that all? There's nothing you can do for me. 

Same for the Cat Noir. Approaching The Exit Of The Burrow Ladybug despairing Lila: You can't change anything. As soon as she said that, Ladybug saw the answer she's looking for Ladybug: LILA ROSSI, STOP! PLEASE! Lila: Ugh (my ears) What Now?! Ladybug: Cat Noir, give it to her. Rabbit Noir: Back to her? Ah, I see. Walks to her

Rabbit Noir: What you need the most. 

I hope with this, you can forge a new path, conquering all others. Butterfly Miraculous in his hand (Incase You didn't know that miraculous been repaired before Adrien chatted with Nooroo) Please, Lila Rossi, take this for you. She's confused but takes it and puts it on

Nooroo: It's you again. Lila: Miss me? Well partner... You're all I have left on this new journey of mine. Nooroo: Partner? Lila: Yes, Nooroo. What's the meaning of giving me back The Butterfly Miraculous? 

Wasn’t always the retrieving the miraculous your main goal? Rabbit Noir: You have to live and you must be free. Lila: I guess I won't be on my own after all. 

The only friend I can take with me will do.

She gets ready to step out the burrow (again) Ladybug: Lila... Lila: You're giving me all of the attention. 

How ironic of you, well... maybe not. 

Make it quick. I have plans. Ladybug: I'm sorry 

For every way I’ve been towards you. I wish I could make things right with you. Lila: Well that's just a dream. About to finally step out the burrow but stops However, if you truly mean what you say; 

you and Marinette should know this... Make sure you don't recreate another situation like this with another person or people like you did with me. Show that you really are someone who can live and learn.

Goodbye forever, Cat Noir and Ladybug (Or rather Marinette and Adrien) Wings... Rise. And so Chrysalis leaves The Last Evening Kagami is just staring at the slowly sinking Sun Closes her eyes and thinks about the past events She opens her eyes and turns to the left and starts walking away from the sun She notices something obscuring the edge of her view point Kagami: Alya? (No) Lila? She turns to the name said

Lila: Hello, Kagami Kagami runs towards her and stops Kagami: You're not afraid of this world? Lila: I changed. However... Kagami: Is it true? I mean. I’m sorry I said that. I- Lila: This question will never go away, will it? Lila: Defamations and scorn towards me is false. 

It was orchestrated by a Deflected Guardian.

Kagami Looks down and closes her eyes 

Kagami: (That is consistent with what our friends said. Poor girl. 

It's crazy how all it took was one person to make so many do this to you, Lila. 

You damaged severely. Who loves you, dead when you get out the hospital. Documents that evil one orchestrated to make all turn against you. 

The media assisting in making things worse. 

Purposefully bestowed against you. 

I just needed to hear your side. 

To be absolved of what has been tearing me apart.) opens her eyes and sees Lila's hand out Kagami: What are you doing? Kagami: You’re leaving, aren't you? Lila nods yes Kagami: I guess I won't see you again. shakes her hand and hugs her Lila: Thank you, Kagami. I'll remember this as she walks away Kagami: (Goodbye my friend.)

Meanwhile Somewhere Else Uncanny Valley: Have you found out any information of this Ex. Guardian yet? Bunnyx: No. 

That person…

Completely disappeared from the face of the Earth. No means or ways to track them. It's like they existed and unexisted. I looked throughout many timelines and been going in and out of many dimensions but this evil Guardian, 

for some reason, remains unfound. Uncanny Valley: That's strange. 

And it's not a ghost or spirit or anything?

Not an Alien like my mother? Ladybug: The hypervillain is human. 

Perhaps that person can seal away connections for you to find them. Bunnyx: Dang. Now how will I be able to stop this person?

Cat Noir: They knew what they were doing. 

They knew that this would happen. 

That's likely who knocked you out, Bunnyx.

I'm actually impressed with their elaborate plan,

while disappointed in people.

Foul Rumor created to spread to ruin her life.

That monster knew that even if you were to clear Lila's name.

The destruction has been fulfilled and people will have this impression against her. 

Seeing her as the ultimate evil. 

Stronger if the girl does things they may rage upon. Even if they do it or worse Ladybug: (Was that an attack on me, Cat Noir?)

Uncanny Valley: This isn't the first time, or first person who does this. Bunnyx: Yeah but this just hits home. I'm not sure if get my drift. Uncanny Valley: I do. I draft. Hahahaha. But yeah. 

I know what personally affected is 

or seeing my Moms be affected because of me and my ally. Bunnyx: Still weird she has like more than 2 mothers. Ladybug: I've learn treating things that appear uncommon as problematic, should be refrained from doing. Cat Noir: Yep. Don't think the worse possibilities cause a person's life or being doesn't sync with your normal. Uncanny Valley: I remember Polygamy being a thing many weren’t so concerned of in certain places or time. Still is a thing. 

Much stranger things exist too that’s treated as normal. 

I’ve noticed society can weird anything out to frowned upon, even some words or meanings. Or do the opposite.

There's also people just naturally good at things or know what they are doing. Exceptions are a thing. Cat Noir: It was her lifestyle with them after all. Who are we to judge? Bunnyx: You right. 

They could actually cherish her or see Lila for herself. Ladybug: (I'll remember not to be invasive of people's unusual to umm... my life if it's not actually a problem. 

They could actually enjoy it.)

Unknown at Dusk

Lila: Nooroo. Nooroo: Yes, Lila? Lila: That Ex Guardian made a complete fool out of me. 

And pretty much destroyed my life. And how so many see me. And here I thought Marinette or Ladybug were vermin. You could make those two or one, all alone, but this one. Nah Nooroo: You're contemplating erasing that Guardian? Lila: Exactly. Their existence gave me more reason than anyone ever could. I honestly feel like taking revenge amongst all the Parisians that lost their minds against me. Still... I don't have the power to simply annihilate that insolent vermin.

I need more power to exterminate that pile of dung. Stop the power from being sealed. Nooroo: What are you suggesting? Lila: I will become you and you will become me. Nooroo: Huh? Lila: Exactly as I said. Nooroo: You can't handle that much power. You could perish. Lila: We'll see

Nooroo: No! Don’t! I’ve seen this happen to other Butterfly users from other dimensions and it was all in vain. Lila: Don't worry. I've got a plan. But if that does happen. Maybe you won't be constrained. 

But I'm offering you more free will either way. Lila: And if it does work. Who knows?

Maybe I could stop people from facing the disaster I've faced.

Preventing scorn and ruination because they hated a person so much. Lila: All because they wanted to find a reason to or any way to destroy them or how others view them entirely.

Lila: Don't worry. Why be only me if there can be many of me from many worlds?

End Of Her Crimson Brine Story

to all parts of this story here again

[mloreley]

Please I am begging you go OFF about CxG

Do you know what you're asking?

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is one of the best representations of mental health on television I've ever seen. It doesn't shy away from difficult, or even obscenely troubled subjects, and the discussion in the show ends up in a healthier place than I think most comedies ever really go.

The show is a musical, which is an automatic plus in my book. And in fact, the context for WHY it's a musical is something that hits me right in my daydreaming baby heart; someone coping with real life stress by using daydreaming and music to work through something in their head. And it's not just a conceit for the premise, either! There's literally a plot reason for it!

This is a show that revolves around the relationships the main character has with the people around her; romantic, familial, friendship, and more. It surrounds her with so many different kinds of love, and explicitly calls it love. Whether she's able to recognize it as love is a different question, but then, it's always harder to see the love in our lives when we've been trained into believing we don't deserve it.

More (and spoilers) under the cut.

The show is about a woman with severe trauma and a long-standing mental health struggle finding and falling in love with herself. While the show does a lot of framing around the romantic relationships in her life, it's because she only considers love to be real when it's from a partner- someone who chooses to be with you, as opposed to family (for whom it should be 'the bare minimum', in her mind, even though she's still desperately seeking that, too).

She acts horribly for three seasons. If you've never fought with the demons implanted from severe neglect, abuse, and trauma, her actions make her unsympathetic; they make her "The Villain In [Her] Own Story", and she's just smart enough to be able to talk and charm her way out of consequences for a good chunk of it. Of course, those are skills she learned trying to appease her never-appeaseable mother, whose horrific treatment of her daughter forced her to overcompensate with placating, charming, ego-stroking, approval-seeking behavior.

And as someone who has struggled with my mental health my entire life, as someone whose behavior has sometimes been out of line, and as someone who has had to do a lot of self-reflection, I see every bad decision she makes and I ache for her to be better. Because while I was never as bad as her, I feel the same thought patterns, I see the lines she sees where others only see irrational, over the top awful behavior.

I could talk about the scene where she's shown all of her new friends and found family in West Covina mourning her disappearance in the first season, how it makes me cry because I've had to learn how to recognize that in the people around me. Not just in a "they'll miss me if I'm gone" sense, but just recognizing that you can touch people's lives in ways you can't see, in ways they may not always know you've affected.

Or maybe the scene where, cornered, triggered, panicked, and deeply hurt, convinced that she's already lost all of her friends and loved ones, she lashes out with the harshest things she can say to everyone in her life. I know why she does it; she's hurting, and she wants to be the one to 'cut the ties' before they do it to her. I understand that though process so clearly. But every venomous word she shoots at them, it's a wound in her heart just as much as it is the people who care for her. I know, because I've been there.

There's the scene after she hits her lowest point, where she no longer believes that anyone loves her, where she realizes she has no life either where she grew up or where she moved to and doesn't want to be in either place, where she hurts so much that the only option she sees to escape it is to take her own life. I can't even think of that scene without a sharp intake of breath and tears coming to my eyes, because it's so viscerally real. The moment she looks out the window, taking in the serenity of a blue sky with gorgeous white clouds, communicating the strange peace you feel when you've finally decided to 'go through with it', GOD it's so fucking real. It's a detail that I don't see included in most shows depicting a suicide attempt, and it tells me that the showrunners are speaking from experience.

And that immediately after setting that in motion, she finds hope at the very last second. That she seeks help because she has finally found that last grain of hope in her. It's executed so well. (Hey, I'm literally crying while writing this; it has a tremendous emotional impact for me).

The moments in therapy where she expresses terror over trying to find a relationship after the last serious one she had ended with a suicide attempt, and is scared knowing that it's a place she can go, or when she doubts going on medication because her last prescription numbed her out instead of addressing the problem, those are so. fucking. real. Real concerns born only out of having been through the process of finally seeking help and becoming afraid of 'going back'.

Or the last fucking episode of the show, where she discovers the most important relationship in her life; one with herself. Where the entire context of her imagining musical numbers to work through things comes back around; it turns out that composing music and writing songs is a skill? And one she never got the chance to explore because her mother denied her every opportunity in order to mold her into "The Perfect Daughter"?

Her relationship with Paula is the second most relationship in the show; they both change each other for the better, even as they sometimes bring out the worst in each other. The level of trust they build, and the genuine love they share for each other, is so healing for both of them. It's fitting that Paula is the one to eventually point out what Rebecca couldn't see; that she was actually really amazing, and not for what anyone else taught her to do, but just for who she always was.

The show does an excellent job of showing deeply flawed, real people who make mistakes, and learn and grow from them. It's a rare show where "everyone is happy in the end" doesn't feel contrived, because they've all earned where they end up.

I think I'm momentarily Crazy Ex-Girlfriended out at the moment, and this is still only scraping the tip of the iceberg and mostly in how much I personally relate to the main character (enough that I've actually begun looking into a similar diagnosis for the stuff I'm going through), but I hope you appreciate my going off on it a bit. XD Thank you for the invitation to do so.

[bengiyo]

Star Struck Eps 5 & 6 Stray Thoughts

Last week, we delved deeper into the wealth gap between our leads, and ended on a messy confession. Hanjoon confessed that he's been into Yoojae, but he ran off. I have a lot of thoughts about how poor Hanjoon is, but I just want to get back to seeing how they recover from that botched confession.

Episode 5

Five months later?? Come on now.

Tutoring is an easy way for Hanjoon to pick up extra money. That makes sense for someone as diligent as him.

Seems like things did not resolve between our leads if Hanjoon is stuck at that night.

And my boy is doing the delivery hustle. Goddamn.

I feel like the subs let us down on Yoojae's expressed feelings. He seems to be mad that Hanjoon doesn't believe in him.

I figured Yoojae would take care of him. What is fascinating is this conceit of the one who confessed abandons the other, inflicting massive damage on them both.

I don't know if Yoojae has feelings for Hanjoon, but I like that regardless he's making them start and rebuilding their friendship

He really threw the broken heart candy away after all that. My heart aches. Crumbs and carrots!

Episode 6

Oh no. How does Yoojae bike get to be jealous of girls flirting with Hanjoon? He is being so rude.

I'm just never getting used to these boys getting passed out drunk at bars.

Yoojae wants his friend back like they were, but I don't know if he appreciates the restrained desire in his friend. This show is making me feel familiar, lonely aches.

I don't see Hanjoon accepting such an expensive gift lightly. It also feels like he's trying to beat the senior. Still, saying he wasn't family definitely hurt.

Of course an King game is going to be the source of their first kiss. I feel so many complicated things about that moment being foisted upon them for others' entertainment. I'm glad Hanjoon walked out.

Okay, this fucking hurt. When we said that friends to lovers should be messier, this is it.

I'm feeling so conflicted about this show. I don't think they have enough time to flesh out this story, but they are hitting the exact kind of angst that being in love with your best friend creates. Once that truth is expressed, you can't turn back. Things cannot be as they are. We finish this next week, and I'll let you all know if it's worth watching. Still, I feel an ache in my joints that I only associate with loneliness.

[oletus-carousel]

🎶 What are your opinions on your fellow backstage/cast members?

As was usual for the scatterbrained musical genius, a moment of tense silence hung in the air before she raised her head from her desk. She'd hardly realised that someone was waiting for her at the doorway, and the large eyes of the silent maid did nothing to comfort the paranoia that struck her so deeply.

A shudder worked its way down her spine, shaking the calligraphic pen atop the staff she wrote on. Of course there were more convenient ways to print her works, with the increase of technologies, but the woman was devoted to her craft enough that she'd not wanted anything to shift.

Change could spell disaster, and the show loomed ever closer.

Routine was the only thing she could afford, even if it meant things were taken slower. Sleepless nights were forced and limits pushed, eye-bags darkened against all advisory just for the perfect melody to be placed on page. She had to prove herself strong, so that the fellows of the stage would not think less of her.

Though the melody and harmony and twist of notes in ear would be carried throughout the play, her preparations would not. They had to be perfect. A pen's blot was cause for riot, red-eyed, and an unforgivable mistake. So she took another sheaf of ivory upon her desk, only allowing the stain of imperfection to serve as reference while she planned a complete rewrite.

There came a voice - sweet, inquisitive, humming question from the doorway, and when she looked the maid was gone. But, not dissuaded, the Maestro afforded a spoken reply, though she believed they wouldn't hear it regardless of how loudly she spoke. The time was long gone.

"My fellows on the Stage, you say?

You make me laugh. They seem not to care about me, they call me a recluse, but they just don't understand. Passion drives, you see, and I do not try to stop it. I have to do whatever I'm able before the curtains are pulled back - each and every note must fit the play to the second, perfectly tailored, and nothing less.

They appear to be good performers, yes, each one of them, and I do pay my due respect as to why they were chosen for their roles, but I'm more enamoured in the story behind them. One could even argue that I don't, depending on who you ask, but I'm simply not one to throw compliments about like they're something to be given casually.

The Angel of Music has swept me up, I daresay, and it'd be a hard task to get me out of that grip... Even now, I wander out of hand, away from task and question, in search of that beauty withheld...

What does it truly matter?

They'll laugh and mock and spit. The rose petals of finale wilt, the flies will gather in corpse of forgotten audience, but all that can save me is the melody. Would it be conceited of me to say so? Of course. But they just don't listen to me enough.

They're fools with masks on. Every single one. Not even that "thrill-seeker", as they dub themself, is true to their role. They put the angelic choir to shame, liken it to what it isn't. What it could never be. They're undeserving of the Angel's name, be it in fiction or not.

I am just called the Maestro, and I am true to that title."

[just-the-cool-page]

Pen15

pen15 - Any introductory description will be... awkward and insufficient. It is awkward, the show, I mean. Watching it is awkward. Telling someone that you've watched it is awkward. Trying to explain why the show is worthwhile, despite the unavoidable and completely appropriate misgivings... awkward. It must be awkward no matter what age or gender you are. Every article seems to use the show's conceit as a way to avoid talking about the problems of carrying through with that conceit. I don't even know if I want to get into it, now that I've decided to talk about this show, but the two main (13 year old) characters are played by its creators, actors who are in their early 30s. Their friends are played by young teenagers, mostly from about 13-17. The difficult part is that their love interests are mostly teenagers as well. Kissing scenes are few, but significant. Viewers have probably had mixed feelings, discomfort, and worry over these scenes. Are... those women kissing... adolescents? As if they're both adolescents? Then in comes the research. The kissing scenes all used adult doubles, or the love interest was over 18. Ok, we still don't feel totally cool. And the "love scene" in the final episode? OK, adult actors. Who are very convincingly playing a thirteen year old girl and a fifteen (or sixteen?) year old boy. The sketchy age play does add to the overall, relentless feelings of "Oh no, this isn't okay."

Technically, nothing illegal happened on set, of course. Within the story, are there any crimes committed? Egging someone's house (not exactly, but you'll see. Please do see that part) might be the only crime. There are no assaults. But so much of it does feel wrong. And I can't say that feeling could have been accomplished any other way. Sure, we know, our at least say, that good art will make us uncomfortable. Great art will also comfort us. "But that's not- - what's going on with the audience isn't really the same thing as what's going on with the characters. It's different." True. Exactly. That's the "hidden" conceit. And it's one you'll find in a lot of great art, such as immersive installations. There's no way for an image or thousands of images (such as in a film) to make us feel the same complex feelings that are portrayed or captured on screen. Our feelings about something aren't the same as what's happening within that that thing, that work were being shown. But if we're pushed or drawn into parallel with it, one tension is replaced by a much more difficult one. But more effective. Possibly. Probably. Maybe, I dunno. What do you think?

No, I'm probably not covering new ground, but like being 13, we've got to sort out the very difficult things ourselves. What age is it okay to do certain things? How do I figure out how to do something I can't talk to anybody about? Are my body parts normal? Will anybody ever love any part of me for real? Now consider how many of those questions either come back again or never really go away.

"When will I be able to just run away, grow up, and not feel like this anymore?"

Aren't parts of ourselves still in middle school in some way or another? Often, this is honestly due to various levels of trauma. In 7th grade, my (only) best friend left school due to mental illness severe enough to put him into residential care. And I say "my only best friend" because I can't think of anyone I've known since then who would call me that. I didn't kiss anyone during middle school, or high school for that matter. So a part of me will probably always feel that level of alone. Middle school was decades ago. I guess, seeing best friends who are that committed to each other is bittersweet. If I spend all day with anyone now, I'll get sick to hell of them. But what if that kind of connection isn't actually impossible? This is where the more positive, and even comforting, aspects of the show come in. "Another show about friendship" wouldn't have gone far, or anywhere really, without taking us into the depths of these characters' weird, yet ordinary lives.