#I don't think that would phase Alec too much | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

echo-bleu · 4 years ago

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map out a world

I fell in love with Alec and my brain had decided that he's autistic by 1x02, and this is the result. It's basically just 6.7k of Alec finding his inner autistic and Magnus being supportive. Huge thanks to @moonlight-breeze-44 for checking it over and being amazingly supportive.

CWs: there's more than a bit of internalized ableism on Alec's part in this, and some self-injurious stims.

By now, Alec is fairly sure Magnus is trying to tell him something.

It's all about the books. It was sweet to discover, early on in their relationship, that Magnus absolutely loves reading Mundane fiction. It's partly because there's no such thing as Shadow World fiction, Alec knows. There are books of history, of legends and tales, but no modern fiction. Shadowhunters are too busy raising soldiers to care for anything cultural that isn't related to being obsessed over their heritage, and most Downworlders are either integrated enough into mundane society to adopt most of their culture, or not human enough to care for something as simple as books.

Magnus also grew up at a time were books were exceedingly rare and entirely out of his reach − he didn’t learn to read before he was over fifty years old − so discovering the imaginary worlds of the Mundanes was all the sweetest to him. He has a habit of opening the door of almost every bookshop he passes by, just to look and smell the books, and almost always comes out with a couple of new novels. He also reads at lightning speed, so he often immediately donates the books he doesn't want to keep to the closest refugee charity.

Alec loves learning about his quirks, and he's followed Magnus into more than one unassuming bookshop around the world during their dates. For some reason, Magnus especially loves crime books and the soapiest romances. But it's not something that they share.

Walking into the loft, Alec eyes the new pile of books on the coffee table, that he knows for a fact wasn’t there this morning when he left for work. He kicks off his shoes and drops beside Magnus on the couch, just shy of touching him. Magnus looks up from his paperback and extends an inviting arm, so Alec ducks under it to rest against his side.

Magnus knows to squeeze him just tight enough, making Alec sigh softly. The sun is barely rising, and it's been a long night at the Institute. Alec is glad to be home, finally. “What are you reading?” he asks when he feels steady enough to speak.

Magnus wordlessly shows him the cover. Neurotribes, Alec reads. The legacy of autism− that's not Magnus' usual reading material. It's been happening more and more, lately, Magnus switching from terrible romances to non-fiction. He started with LGBT history books, a few months ago. Pride flags started to make random appearances around the loft, and there's now a whole shelf of books, most of them rainbow-colored in some way, behind Magnus' desk. He told Alec about the parts of that history that he lived, and the ones that no book ever talked about, the lovers he had that would never be remembered, the people who'd fought for their rights from the shadows.

Then he switched to books about therapy. About trauma, PTSD, child abuse. Alec frowned at that, but he figures that Magnus has plenty of bad childhood memories. He still thinks about how rattled Magnus was, that time the agony rune brought his mother's death back up. If books can help him process that, then good for him, right?

This is new. There are half a dozen new books beside Magnus' glass, and they’re all about autism. It doesn't seem like something Magnus would research for himself−or is it? No. “Why?” Alec asks.

Magnus shrugs. “It's enlightening,” he says.

“Autism?”

“I think it could explain some things. And these ideas, about neurology being as diverse as sexuality, or skin color? I like it.”

Alec nods at the second part − it does seem like an interesting concept. Maybe he'll ask about it more, when he's not so tired. “Explain what?” he still asks.

“You should try reading them.”

“Magnus, I don't−”

Magnus stops him by squeezing his shoulder tighter. “I know. It's fine. I'll just keep reading, and share thoughts, maybe.”

“Okay,” Alex says softly. He still doesn't get it, but if it's something Magnus is interested in, then he's willing to listen. Always. He puts his hand over Magnus' on his shoulder, running his fingers over the warm silver rings.

Like a great many of their hobbies, it isn’t something they share. Alec doesn't read for fun. He reads action reports and Clave memos and equipment order forms, but he doesn't read books. It's not something he enjoys.

Or maybe that's not true, not exactly. He used to love reading, as a child in Idris. He'd get his hands on every history book he could find, heavy volumes bound in dusty leather, and devour his way through them. That is, until Jace came along.

Jace who didn't like books. He and Izzy got right along, wanting nothing more than to spar in the training room or run outside every chance they got. Alec knows now that it's not true, that Jace enjoyed reading before Valentine made even that into a lesson, a punishment, but back then he turned it on Alec, mocking him cruelly in the way only a child can every time he caught him with his nose inside a book. Alec never cared too much about the other children's taunts, but from Jace, who was better than him at everything, including at pleasing Alec's parents, it was different. So he stopped. He started following Jace and Izzy everywhere they went, and in the little time he had free, he perfected the one thing that was still his own: archery.

He hasn't read a book cover to cover since he was eleven. Magnus tried to get him to read at bedtime, but he'll just pull up work papers. Fiction is an escape he doesn't need (doesn't deserve).

“Are you tired?” Magnus asks when Alex sighs softly at where his thoughts are going.

“A little,” Alec admits.

“How about you go rest for a bit while I get breakfast ready?”

Alec nods. As much as he'd love to stay in Magnus' arms, he's been interacting with people all night, and more than just his siblings, now that he has to coordinate all the Shadowhunter teams going out. He probably needs some time to sort himself out.

Magnus initiates the move his brain is struggling with, hoisting them both up off the couch. He gives Alec one last squeeze − his hold lower on Alec's back, now that they're standing, and it gives Alec goose bumps − and wanders off toward the kitchen, his book abandoned on the couch. Alec shakes himself and makes his way to their bedroom. Without letting himself think too much about it, he grabs the first book of the pile on the coffee table as he goes.

He stays immobile in front of the bed for a full minute, trying to decide if he can curl up under the blanket even though he's still dressed. Undressing doesn't seem worth it. He compromises by only removing his pants, since his jacket is already off, and keeping his shirt on. He takes his stele out of his pocket before getting into bed and keeps it in his hand, mindlessly running his fingers up and down the textured metal handle. He sets the paperback by his head and stares at it, thinking.

He's not always good at reading between the lines, but he's not obtuse, either. He's seen the pattern. Magnus' reading choices and his gentle encouragements to look at the books have coincided directly, and a part of Alec knows that Magnus wasn't looking up PTSD in child soldiers for himself, however much he doesn't want to acknowledge it. It's him reaching out, trying to understand, even though Alec doesn't believe it's quite the right way of going at it.

He's not traumatized. Sure, he was raised a soldier, but Mundane categories don't apply. Mundanes are more fragile, aren't they? They don't heal as easily as Shadowhunters, even physically. Beside, Jace had it so much worse than Alec growing up, and he's fine. Mostly.

This new phase, though, it's more of a surprise. Sure, they've acknowledged, together, that neither of them is quite normal. Their queerness took a back seat, in Downworlder and Shadowhunter eyes alike, to the mixed nature of their couple, but they stand out like a sore thumb everywhere they go, even in the Mundane world. Magnus stands out largely by choice, by his fashion choices, but Alec has come to realize that those are an armor as much as they're a statement. He envies Magnus, sometimes, for how easy it is to him to reject the norm, to refuse to conform.

Alec stands out by default. It's just who he is, the one who never quite fits. His size makes him visible when he wishes he could disappear into the background, and his constant awkwardness attracts attention he doesn't want. He's tried so hard to obey all the rules, to be perfect, the son his parents tried to mold him into, the brother his siblings could be proud of, but he failed, again and again. Something in him is just...not right.

Broken.

Different, not broken, the book's subtitle jumps out at him, on the spine. Alec almost rolls his eyes at the truism. Yes, sure, different. Different enough that he can never be what's expected of him, that it interferes with his duty. Dating Magnus is one thing, a violation of the norm he will allow himself, because he can see that the norm is the one that's wrong there. Downworlders aren't less than Shadowhunters, so why should their relationship be frowned upon? And Alec knows plenty of queer people, by now. He knows they're not broken. Magnus' beautiful soul certainly isn't broken.

But Alec is. Not because he’s gay, but because he’s a b normal.

“Alexander?”

Alec starts at the noise and recoils, just a little. Magnus is standing close, though Alec hasn't heard him approach. The concern in his eyes tells Alec that it's not the first time Magnus has called his name. “Sorry,” he mutters.

“Breakfast can wait, if you'd rather sleep.”

“No, I'm coming.” Alec doesn't think he can sleep, now that his mind has slid down this path.

He leaves the paperback on his bedside table.

The subject doesn't come up again for another few weeks. The book remains on Alec's nightstand, and he actually finds himself skimming it. Magnus doesn't push once. He leaves the pile of other books on the coffee table, and more join them when he stops at a bookstore on one of their walks, but he doesn't insist on Alec reading them.

But something changes. It's in the little things, barely perceptible unless Alec pays attention. Magnus' behavior toward him changes slightly. He asks for permission before touching him. He seems to recognize when Alec is stuck, and manages to gently steer him into action. He stops himself mid-sentence to reword his questions in a clearer way.

The first time Alec notices, really sees what Magnus is trying to do, he panics. He's pretty sure that isn't at all what Magnus intended when he pulled out a fidget toy and offered it to Alec, for him to lock himself in the bathroom and have a panic attack.

“Darling, please let me in,” Magnus says through the door. He could just use his magic and ignore the lock, but he doesn't. Alec is relieved, confusedly, through the buzzing in his ears, and yet a little disappointed. He clasps his hands over his ears, even though the loft is nearly silent and the noise he's hearing comes from inside.

“Alexander!” Magnus calls again, still softly but with an edge. Alec freezes, his breathing suddenly going from erratic to perfectly controlled, even though the pounding in his ears intensifies. Magnus is angry with him. He should be. By all rights, he should have already broken in, or be long gone.

“Let me in, Alec.” Magnus is not soft anymore, but commanding. The change in address isn't lost on Alec, either. Magnus only drops his habit of using his full name when something's really wrong.

Alec swallows. He picks himself up and takes two steps toward the door. He keeps his face angled away from the brightness of the bathroom window, but he checks his posture before he sticks out his hand to undo the lock. He hurriedly steps back, close to the wall, hands clasped behind his back.

Magnus pushes the door in, taking in the bathroom quickly until he settles on Alec. Alec keeps his eyes trained straight forward, just above Magnus' head.

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus breathes.

Alec itches to wring his hands, but he's long learned to stay still. He waits, instead. Waits for Magnus to tell him that it's over, that this is too much.

He thought things were going fairly well. Magnus let him be as close to honest as Alec dares to be, these days. Before he knew it, Alec found himself relaxing around him, not bothering to watch his every move. He thought maybe it was because they come from such different cultures. Magnus doesn't know what's expected of a Shadowhunter, just like Alec knows very little about Warlocks, so maybe his eccentricities passed for cultural difference. But he was wrong, wasn't he?

Magnus knows, and he's trying to figure out what's wrong with Alec. That's the reason for the books. He's trying to fix him, and soon enough he's going to realize that there's no fixing this.

Or maybe he already has.

Magnus approaches him slowly, telegraphing his moves.

“I really messed this up, didn't I?” he murmurs.

Alec frowns. This is unexpected. “What?” is the only thing he manages to get past his lips, though. He wants to apologize, to beg maybe, but the words won't even come.

“I only meant to help. I didn't want to scare you.”

“I'm not scared,” Alec replies immediately, almost automatically. He is.

Magnus' hands are open in front of him, in full view, the fidget toy gone. Not that it matters. It's just a catalyst, not the actual problem.

“Tell me what you need,” Magnus offers. His voice is soft again, sad like his eyes. Alec wants to step back, but he's backed himself into the wall. He shakes his head without a word.

“Okay, okay, you don't have to tell me. Do you want space? Do you want me to go?”

Alec should say yes. He should hide far away from Magnus until he's fully in control again and then pretend nothing happened, until the next time he messes up, and the next time, the day Magnus can't deal with him anymore.

He can't.

He shakes his head again, looking away. His left hand is gripping his right so hard at his back that he can barely feel his fingers.

Magnus stays still. “I'm not leaving,” he says. “You can relax. I'm not going to try anything, Alexander.”

Alec hates that he needs this reassurance. He hates acting like this, like a child, like an abnormality, and yet he can't help it. He hates that even the thought of Magnus touching him makes his skin crawl and yet the idea of him leaving makes him want to reach out so bad. The conflict is enough to leave him immobile, incapable of choosing a course of action.

He doesn't know how long it's been, since he bolted into the bathroom. Magnus' face holds infinite patience, and that's why Alec can't look at it.

He knows that by ‘relax’ Magnus means for him to drop the parade stance he still takes without thinking about it, that always puts Magnus on edge. It is a relaxed stance, theoretically − but it's not the same, to someone who wasn't raised a Shadowhunter, is it? Alec forces himself to untangle his hands and let them fall to his sides, but then he doesn't know what to do with them. It feels wrong, to have them hanging there, touching nothing. The sudden blood flow in his fingers hurts.

“I'm sorry,” Magnus says in a low voice, and he sounds unsure, more hesitant than he's been so far. That makes Alec look at him−or at least somewhere on his face, close to the eyebrows.

“For what?” Alec frowns. He's the one who should be apologizing.

“I don't know exactly what I did wrong, but something I did made you panic. I'm sorry.”

Alec shakes his head in frustration. “You−No, you−You know,” he blurts out. “You know I'm...and you want to fix me.”

Magnus freezes. “No, no, Alexander. You've got it backward. Yes, I know you're different. I always knew.”

Alec blinks. “You did?”

“Yes, of course. But I don't want to fix you. I love you the way you are.”

Alec frowns. He tried so hard to be a version of himself that could be loved − he does believe Magnus. It's just that Magnus hasn't seen the ugly parts yet. He will bail, when he does.

Except− I never wanted you to see this terrible, ugly side of me. Maybe Magnus does know. Maybe…

“You are beautiful, Alexander.” Magnus takes a small step closer, still out of reach, but just inside Alec's space. Not intruding. Just...knocking on the door. “Everything about you is beautiful.”

The compliment glides over Alec, not really reaching him, but his own words mirrored back to him do. Magnus briefly drops his glamour, exposing his cat eyes, confirming silently that they're talking about the same thing.

“It's not−it's not the same,” Alec stammers.

“Is it not? You've seen the parts of me that are different, that I am ashamed of, and you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me even then. Can I not do the same for you?”

Alec closes his eyes. “I'm not−” he starts, but the words aren't right. “Why are you reading all those books, then?” he asks instead. “If it's not to fix me?”

“Because I want to understand,” Magnus explains. He looks around him briefly, at the wall behind Alec, the open door, the sink. Then he seems to make a decision, and he plops down to the floor, crossing his legs under him.

Looking so far down at him, when they're so close, is quickly untenable, so Alec follows suit. He kneels first out of habit, but the position is just uncomfortable on the tiled floor, so he brings one of his legs up to rest his chin on his knee. Magnus gives him a smile.

“We're so different, you and I,” he says slowly. “We have very different life experiences. At first I thought that we'd just bridge that gap slowly as we got to know each other, but−”

“You think we're too different?” Alec hates how weak his voice sounds, how whiny.

“No,” Magnus stops him immediately. “But I...I started to get comfortable around you, and you amazed me every time you showed me that I didn't have anything to be ashamed of. You're incredible, Alexander. You make me feel...loved, even the parts of me that I could never love myself.” His eyes shine, and Alec dares a small grin, losing himself in that glow.

“You deserve all of it,” he murmurs.

“But so do you,” Magnus whispers. “And I realized that even as I lowered all my defenses, you never did.”

“I did,” Alec frowns.

“Yes, I think you did, as much as you can. But never all the way.”

The tiled plinth digs into the small of Alec's back uncomfortably. He leans into it.

“What do you mean?”

“It took me a while to realize that you don't do it consciously. Hide who you are, I mean. It's just your default. The books, they call it 'masking'.”

“I'm not hiding,” Alec frowns. Is he? He's not lying.

Magnus leans in toward him. “You don't let yourself be. You're always controlling how you move and how you speak, so that you look more normal. Aren't you?”

Alec stares for a moment, trying to make sense of the moves Magnus' lips make as his brain struggles to process the words. “I don't−I don't know,” he admits. Is he not supposed to do that? Self-control is the first lesson Shadowhunters learn, and it's deeply ingrained in him.

He looks down at his hand. He's unconsciously stuck it in the fold of his leg, under his knee, and it's now red and bears the mark of his pants' seams. He tucks it behind his back in shame.

“You shouldn't have to do that,” Magnus says softly. “I'm not asking you to change. I just want to understand so I can...meet you in the middle. You go out of your way to accommodate me and my idiosyncracies, all the time. I want to be able to do that for you too.”

Alec stares at him, speechless. Magnus stares back, avoiding his eyes as if he knows direct eye contact makes him uncomfortable. “Will you let me try?”

Magnus tries. Alec tries to let him. It doesn't go particularly smoothly.

Letting go of decades worth of strict conditioning isn't that easy, especially when you're not sure at all that you want to. When maybe it's the only thing holding you together.

If it really is a mask, then who is Alec once it is taken off? How does he own up to the parts of him he doesn't allow to pierce through, even behind closed doors?

Is there anything left of him that wasn't ripped away by training?

He's better off going on like he always has, he decides the third time a casual gesture from Magnus makes him panic. It doesn't send him gasping into a tight corner of the bathroom this time, because fuck, Alec has better control of himself than that. He just freezes in place until Magnus hurriedly backs off. He just thinks about nothing else for the rest of the day.

He just hates himself a little more.

“Alexander,” Magnus says softly that night, as Alec slides into bed with him. Dread pools in Alec’s stomach, a sharp contrast with the softness of the satin sheets around him. He pulls the weighted blanket over himself, even though a part of him want to deny himself this comfort.

Magnus noticed his slip-up earlier, because how could he not? Alec feels awful about hurting him every time he shies away from a kind and thoughtful gesture.

“I can’t be what you want me to be,” he makes the first move. It’s easier than staring at his hands and waiting for the blow.

At the edge of his vision, Magnus’ eyes widen. “What do you mean?”

“I tried to stop. I tried to be more...natural, or something, like you said. But I can’t.”

Magnus tilts his head slightly, but doesn’t say anything. Alex can’t bring himself to look up at him, and he doesn’t know anymore if it’s because he’s ashamed, or simply because sometimes looking at Magnus, at his beauty and his shine and his compassion, is too much.

“I don't know how to do it,” he sighs. “This is who I am, Magnus. I need this...control, this grip on myself to function, otherwise I just fall apart. I don't know how to be anything else.”

“Alexander, I'm not asking you to be.”

Alex looks up in surprise, briefly meeting glamoured brown eyes. But Magnus’ eyes, real shape or not, are not where he gets his cues – they’re too intense, too confusing. No, it’s in the slight tilt of his mouth, the way his hand plays with the golden sheet, the furrow in his brow. Alec relaxes minutely.

“You’re not?”

“It would be rather hypocritical of me, wouldn’t it?” Magnus smiles softly, dropping his glamour. “All I want is for you to be comfortable, to be happy.”

Alec gently slips his arm under Magnus’ head in place of his pillow, feeling the weight of his boyfriend settle in the crook of his elbow. There’s a measure of relief there, the part of himself that always waits for the other shoe to drop, for the moment Magnus will tire of him, contented for now. “I am comfortable,” he murmurs. “Happier than I’ve ever been. There’s always going to be days that are harder than others.”

“Of course,” Magnus smiles. “But I want to do everything in my power to make even those a little less bad for you. I actually had a thought.”

“Um?” Now that his tension is fading a little, Alec feels like he could fall asleep. He shakes himself a little to stay attentive to Magnus’ words.

“What if it’s not about you changing something, dropping some kind of mask, but about adding something?”

“What do you mean?” Alex frowns, struggling to follow.

Magnus shifts a little against his arm, and grabs his hand. Rather than caress it with the tips of his fingers, like he sometimes likes to do, he squeezes it between his own hands.

“The things you do to...regulate yourself, your emotions, your...overloads,” Magnus starts. Alec can tell that he’s hesitating because he’s afraid of freaking him out, not because he doesn’t know how to word it. “They’re important. Necessary.”

Alec opens his mouth to argue, but no words come. He can’t actually deny that. He might hate himself for needing it, for needing the finger biting or the rocking or the myriad other little things he does that are frowned upon, but it gets so much worse when he tried to forbid himself that comfort. That’s what gets him to the gym or up on the roof, training until his hands are dripping blood. It’s how he ends up screaming himself raw in his pillow, hitting his head against the headboard of his bed until he’s too lightheaded to continue.

“From what I understand,” Magnus says slowly, squeezing Alec’s hand tighter, probably to check that he’s still listening, “there’s much more to that than the impulses your parents tried to train you out of. It’s about regulating sensory inputs, but also about...interacting with your environment. And I thought that it’s something we could explore together. Try to find new things that help and comfort you, rather than change what you already do.”

Alec closes his eyes, trying to process the sentence. The shine of the golden satin sheets against the light, their mixed scents in the bed, Magnus’ skin against his, he wants to get rid of it all so he can understand what Magnus is saying. Instead, he turns his hand around until he’s the one holding Magnus’. Magnus hasn’t removed his rings before bed like he usually does, he notices absently as he starts playing with them.

Magnus gives him a tiny smile. “What are you thinking?” he asks.

“You’re not like me,” Alec says. “How can we do this together? I don’t want everything to be about me.”

“Of course not,” Magnus fake-scoffs. “You know I’d never let that happen.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “Right. Seriously, though.”

“I meant it, when I said I want to meet you in the middle. Right now, you do most of the work of coming in my direction and I let you, because I don’t understand or because this translation is second nature to you by now. But I want to move in your direction too. Learn about how you experience the world. And maybe take some of that pressure off of you.”

“Magnus–” Alec starts. He doesn’t know what he wants to say. He’s not sure he knows what Magnus’ words mean, but he knows that this is a gift he never expected. He’s never even entertained the idea of someone else wanting to know him to that extent.

“I don’t know what it’s like, to be different the way you are,” Magnus says, stroking his arm with the hand Alec isn’t playing with. “But as a Downworlder, and a South Asian man in America, and an openly bi man who wears makeup, I do know what it’s like to live in a world that isn’t built for you, that doesn’t welcome someone like you. And I know that it can be very lonely. But you’re not alone, Alexander. Not anymore.”

Alec doesn’t feel the tears running from his eyes until his vision starts blurring, but he sees them mirrored in Magnus’ eyes. “I don’t know what it’s like to be any of those things,” he murmurs. “But you’re not alone either.”

And that’s the greatest gift they can offer each other.

“I think you might enjoy this,” Magnus says in the morning, over breakfast, holding out a little box. It’s Alec’s day off, so they have plenty of time to enjoy the morning – and to talk things through. Last night’s conversation went a long way toward making Alec feel better, but there’s still plenty to discuss.

He takes the box Magnus just conjured and opens it. Inside is a toy shaped a little like a spring, with alternating segments of black and white steel. Alec takes it out and it comes apart like an endless serpent, the segments articulated with each other. “What is it?”

“It’s a fidget toy,” Magnus answers. “I believe it’s called a tangle. I tried to make it visually pleasing, they’re usually made of brightly colored plastic.”

Alex smiles. “What is it for, though?” he asks, but his hands have already figured it out. Unconsciously, he’s started to tangle it around his fingers, spinning the curved segments around to change its shape.

“Having something to do with your hands?” Magnus offers hesitantly. “Please tell me if it’s making you uncomfortable. I don’t want to-”

“No, it’s okay,” Alec interrupts him. “I like it.” Given the sheer amount of time he spends wringing his hands or worrying at his nails, it might even be useful, though he doesn’t think he can get away with carrying it around at the Institute. “What?” he asks when Magnus keeps staring at him.

“Nothing,” Magnus shakes his head. “I honestly wasn’t expecting this to go so smoothly.”

Alec hangs his head in shame. He’s been making Magnus’ life hard, with his stupid panic. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think that I didn’t appreciate your efforts.”

“No, no. I kept springing it on you with no warning. I was wrong to try to do this without talking it through with you the whole way.” Magnus gestures toward the couch area, where the pile of books is still growing. “After reading all this stuff, I think I forgot that we weren’t on the same wavelength, that just because I thought I’d figured something out, it didn’t mean you were ready for me to act on it. I tried to make gestures to show you that I understand you but...well, the truth is that I don’t. I’ll never understand some of you, and some will take time for me figure out.”

Alec opens his mouth to protest, but Magnus holds out a hand. “But this isn’t about understanding,” he continues. “It’s about accepting. It’s about standing by you and supporting you no matter how little I understand what’s happening in your head. I was still trying to force these things on you because I thought that, since I’ve read those books, I knew something of what you might need, but I don’t. You do. I should have asked you.”

Alec stares and works his jaw, a little stunned. His hands have figured out how to restore the tangle to its original shape of a spring, and he swirls it around one finger. “Thank you,” he says eventually, at a loss for words. It’s a lot. Magnus’ openness, his apology, is far from anything he braced himself for, and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

“Can I ask you one thing?” Magnus asks softly.

“Of course.” They still haven’t touched the breakfast they sat at the table for, but the beauty of magic is that they don’t need to worry about it getting cold.

“You didn’t react when I first got the books. Did you know what I was doing?”

Alec squeezes the tangle toy around his fingers, until it hurts a little. The pain helps him focus. “I’m not sure,” he says. “I never…I never had a word. For it. I've heard of autism, but I didn't...I don't know, make the connection? Not really. But then you...suddenly it was like...you were doing everything right. Things you shouldn't have known to do. Things that no one has ever done.”

He pauses, but Magnus doesn't try to speak, just lets him gather his thoughts.

“Like right now,” Alec chuckles. “Like you know that I struggle with talking sometimes. But you're not supposed to know that.”

“I'm not?” Magnus asks. “Because I knew, long before I read anything. I just didn't know what to do.”

Alec tilts his head. “You did?” They're going a little off track here, and he's lost the thread. But his surprise is real.

“Of course. You thought I never noticed?”

“People mostly don't. Except Izzy, she picks up on it more easily.”

“Then why is it so strange for me to pick up on it?” Magnus asks.

Alec shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t have a lot of expectations, coming into this relationship. I don’t have much to compare it to, you know?”

Magnus smiles. “Ah, right. Well, a life the length of mine gives you plenty of time to better understand the human psyche. And yet, you still surprise me every day.”

“Because I’m...autistic?” Alec feels his cheeks heat up. He’s never said the word before, never applied it to himself. It’s a strange feeling. It doesn’t roll quite right on his tongue, and yet it feels right, in a way. He’s autistic, and the implications of that are overwhelming.

“Because you’re autistic,” Magnus repeats pensively. “Because you’re selfless and beautiful and funny. Because you’re sarcastic and you say things I don’t expect, and you stand your own ground when by all rights you should be falling apart, and you fluster adorably when I try to flirt. Because you’re you, Alexander. And yes, your autism is a part of it.”

The changes are subtle, and they don’t make a huge impact on their relationship. Alec is incredibly relieved by that. Bit by bit, he stops expecting Magnus to realize that he’s too much to handle and get tired of him.

“I’m the one who’s usually too much,” Magnus tells him darkly, when Alec opens up about that particular fear.

There’s a well of emotions in his eyes when he says that that they’ll need to explore, at some point. Magnus has a lot of baggage, too, a long history of sticking out. Of being different. On days like this, Alec can’t remember how he ever thought that Magnus wouldn’t understand.

“It’s a good thing I can never get enough of you, then,” he offers simply, for now. Magnus isn’t ready to talk about it yet, about the people who’ve hurt him.

Magnus’ face softens immediately. “You really are a delight,” he smiles.

Alec beams at him and goes back to the book he’s holding. He’s very slowly making his way through the pile of books Magnus bought. Most of them aren’t meant to be read cover to cover anyway, and he’s currently picking through an anthology of texts by autistic writers.

He’s learning a lot. So much more than he expected, going in. He figured, he may not have had a word for it before, but he already knows himself, right? But there’s new words to put on things he’s never even thought about, new ideas to try, a whole new understanding of the world around him. Sure, he knows himself, but it turns out that he knows everyone else a lot less well than he thought he did.

And there is the new, incredible feeling of being understood. That there’s someone out there, a whole community of someones, who resemble him in the ways he always thought he was alone. For that alone, the books are worth everything. It’s akin to the feeling he had the first times he snuck away from the Institute, as a teenager, to go read gay romances in a secluded corner of the local library.

Magnus’ understanding is just as precious. He doesn’t push for anything, only supports Alec quietly. Even now, as they sit together on the couch reading, he’s attentive to the way Alec reacts to his touch, tightening his loose hold on Alec’s thigh as soon as Alec starts squirming in discomfort. He redirects Alec’s restless hand from tapping a pattern on his thigh toward his own beaded bracelets, offering them as a stim toy without even seeming to think about it.

Alec tries to focus on his book. The text is about flapping, and special education forbidding it. It’s poignant, but it’s not something Alec can really relate to. And yet, he’s been stuck on it for ten minutes, trying to pinpoint why his brain just won’t move on.

It finally comes in the form of memories. Stop moving your hands around and pay attention! Can’t you just stay still for once? It’s in Mom and Dad’s voices, in Hodge’s, every instructor Alec had before he successfully trained himself out of stimming and perfected his parade rest. He even heard it, full of annoyance, from Izzy – Jace came into their lives later, when Alex was already a good little soldier. But even know, his hands itch to clasp behind his back, and he unconsciously straightens his posture.

No.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asks, seemingly casual, but Alec can tell that he’s paying close attention.

Alec shrugs, words failing him. How can he explain the storm of emotions inside him? His fingers twitch again and he stares at them, and behind them, at the book.

Flapping is the new terrorist-fist-bump, he reads.

Shadowhunters are always in full control of their movements, echoes in his head. A long-learned lesson. But no one ever asked of Izzy and Jace to stop laughing or joking or brooding or crying, not when they’re off the clock. That was only required of Alec. Because the way Alec behaves isn’t normal.

Because the way Alec communicates makes them uncomfortable.

Alec feels nausea gripping his stomach. He wants to cry, to scream – to move. “Alexander,” Magnus starts, sensing the change.

Alec shakes his head to stop him and he closes the book, firmly. “I want to try something,” he announces, like saying it aloud will unclench the part of him that’s rearing in terror right now.

“Go ahead, darling,” Magnus drawls, and maybe it’s the permission Alec needs.

He stares at his hand for a moment, and carefully, purposefully makes it flutter. It's like he doesn't know how, like something his body has forgotten how to do. He thinks of his bow, of the sting of the string against his fingers and flexes them, hitting the tips against his palm. The memory isn't quite there, but there's something, something right about it. His fingers find his other palm, his left hand, tapping softly there. He closes his right hand into a fist, and taps his knuckles against his left palm, listening to the soft noise it makes.

“How does it feel?” Magnus asks, his voice low like he doesn't want to interrupt the moment.

Alec shakes his head. “I don't know. It's like...I don't know how to do this. It doesn't feel natural.”

“You don't have to flap your hands to be autistic, you know. Or to be yourself.”

“I know, but...I think I could? I don't know if that makes sense.” He taps his hands some more, palm against palm, harder.

“It doesn't have to make sense,” Magnus smiles. “Just to feel right.”

Does it feel right? It feels ridiculous, childish, not suitable for a grown man. It feels like a rebellion, a fuck you to all the times he’s been told to sit still, to stop moving. It feels artificial and yet like it comes from deep inside at the same time. Something repressed and almost gone, an echo of a feeling long forgotten. Something he can learn again, and maybe learn himself in the process.

It feels forbidden. Terrifying.

It feels right.

#shadowhunters #alec lightwood #magnus bane #malec #malec fic #alec lightwood fic #magnus bane fic #shadowhunters fic #mine #echo's fanfiction

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fictionalrambles · 5 years ago

Text

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Seven

Submitted by @lecrit

Five Favourite Stories

The Haunting of Lightwood Hall by @bonibaru

Why I love this fic:

The plot is simply spectacular and the writing beautiful. I love murder mysteries and this one had me on the edge of my seat. I read it on the plane and didn’t see the trip go because of how engrossed I was in this story. Jace was a great side character and his relationship with Aline (plus their moment of closure) was one of the gems of this fic. Then of course, Magnus and Alec were amazing (their characterization is on point) and their relationship evolved beautifully. All in all, it instantly became one of my favorite malec fics ever the moment I finished it.

Favorite scene:

I could pick many more because of how I adore this fic, but the first scene of the first chapter is probably my favorite. I was hooked from the get-go, intrigued by Magnus’ late night wandering as much as Alec was and I felt curious alongside Magnus about Alec’s stiff yet oddly amiable demeanor. I just loved that scene, and I immediately knew I was in for a treat.

Favorite quote(s):

But Magnus found himself seriously considering an attempt to court the handsome – and hopefully not murderous - Lord Lightwood.

It was strange that such a small point of contact could carry with it such keen awareness of another person.

“Men and women love to tell themselves elaborate stories about why they can’t take on love. They will go on for hours and hours bemoaning their circumstances, their fate, even chalking it up to phases of the moon. But the truth is very simple. Either you are willing to hurl yourself, body and soul, into love - or you aren’t. If you don’t take this chance with Lord Alexander, you will be throwing away what could have been the greatest love of your life.”

The Way It Should Be by j__writes

Why I love this fic:

It’s so genuine and heart-wrenching and utterly beautiful I’d fail to fully put in words who deeply I love it. The depth with which the emotions are portrayed, Alec’s struggle to come to term with his true feelings, Magnus’ heartbreaking denial over his own situation. It’s raw and visceral, but so beautiful and deeply human. Overall, it’s just realistic and relatable, and that’s the kind of thrilling experience I love to have as a reader. This fic is a gift to all of us, as is its author.

Favorite scene:

In chapter 4, the scene where Alec takes care of Magnus when he arrives with a swollen lip and Magnus opens up about Camille’s abuse. It destroyed my heart in the best possible way.

Favorite quote(s):

A shuffle of paper, the creaking sound of aged leather, the click of Magnus’ heeled boots, the hammering of his heart against his ribs, the gentle turn of the golden knob, the air rushing out of his lungs, the sound of rusting hinges squeaking, and then…Magnus.

“Magnus looks at you the same way.”

He hated himself enough for allowing his feelings to get this far. He never wanted this. If it had been up to him, he would have made his heart stay in love with Raj. Raj had been good to him and they’d built a good life together. It made no sense for his heart to betray him like this. To fall out of love with a perfectly good man and fall in love with someone else who was wholly unavailable to him.

Salem by @la-muerta

Why I love this fic:

It’s safe to say at this point that la_muerta is one of my favorite writers in the fandom. I had a hard time picking one fic, but Salem just holds a special place in my heart. I am deeply admirative of writers who manage to make world-building so effortless and this one just hit the spot for me. This is a thrilling read from start to finish and the combo of fantasy, horror and romance was so perfect I couldn’t put it down until I was done reading. Also one of the best dramatic climax I’ve ever read, fanfic or otherwise.

Favorite scene:

The scene in the tunnels where Magnus chases the spirits away and helps them find peace. I love that it’s from Alec’s POV, because we can feel his shock and awe at the display of Magnus’ power, especially because it seems so effortless for Magnus. I don’t know why it’s this one in particular, but I just deeply love this scene.

Favorite quote(s):

"So this is all we can do? Babysit the Mayor's son?" Ragnor asked Magnus in an undertone.

"I don't think we're babysitting him, Ragnor. I think he's babysitting us," Magnus said wryly.

Alec came downstairs to find his family ready for war.

And the Book fed on the love and the memories, and bided its time.

Three to make a pair by @like-a-bucky

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14360721/

Why I love this fic:

I love classic fanfiction tropes as much as the next person, but I love them even more with a twist, and this is one of the best Fake Dating AUs with a twist fics I’ve ever read. I love strong friendship dynamics and the one between Magnus and Jace was as unexpected as it was delightful. I also love that Alec being a soldier isn’t idealized (which is a problem I often have with works of fiction where a character is in the military in some way); his torments and trauma are raw and realistic and it adds infinite depth to the kindness of his character. Magnus is just as greatly written, and he broke and healed my heart several times throughout the fic.

Favorite scene:

It has to be the scene where Jace and Magnus tell Alec they’re not actually dating.

Favorite quote(s):

"But I... I don't share, Magnus."

"Jace," Alec cut him off, a bit more gently this time, "Please, get out. We'll talk about this later. You made your point, you're not dating and right now, that's all that matters. Because if he allows me to, I'm going to kiss Magnus senseless and I'd prefer that you weren't here to see it."

Thinking of you, on the bottle of milk. I love you, creased and hidden inside a random pair of socks. Don't eat all the ice-cream, inside the freezer, and Magnus had chuckled while reading it - he'd almost choked on his laughter the following month though, when he'd found out the I told you not to stuck to the last tub of ice-cream.

Blankets, jam & other metaphors for love by Oumy

Why I love this fic:

I never left my home and yet I was right there in Tuscany the whole time. That’s an amazing thing to achieve through writing. This fic is just a slightly angsty but exquisitely warm blanket wrapping around your shoulders and guiding you to a journey of slow build, character growth and one of my personal weaknesses, found family. Magnus’ struggle and grief are just beautifully portrayed, and I don’t have enough words to praise how much I adored the Lightwood-Garroway family in this. They have my heart and I don’t want it back.

Favorite scene:

It is hands down the stargazing scene in chapter 4. The tension woven through something as simple as holding hands was breathtaking. It was just… chills. Literal chills.

Favorite quote(s):

For the first time, he didn’t feel like part of the chaos of it, but rather a spectator on the outside looking in, drifting on the edges as his feelings churned, ebbed and flowed and hit him again and again with the certainty that he’d been wrong. It wasn’t that Alec didn’t have anything inside; it was that he had too much.

He listened to the sounds of the bustling morning, the world moving forward, unbothered by the crippling sadness he felt, and he braced himself and counted to ten.

All he knew is that there were words to be said, and that Alec was wholly unequipped to say them.

#shadowhunters #shadowhunters fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfiction blog

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soldieronbarnes · 5 years ago

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Hi, I... don't know if you or someone else has already write about it, but... It would be okay to have a prompt about Magnus and temporarily warlock!Alec? If they have stayed a bit longer in Edon with the alliance rune, and then Alec showing Magnus that he also has magic now (and maybe Magnus a bit uncomfortable because it was Lorenzo's magic, not his). Is it possible? (I love everything you write)

You know, this one is the reason I didn’t manage to fill many prompts during my holiday, because I thought “hey, I’ll write, like, a couple hundred words for each prompt and that will be it”. And then I spent two evening trying to get this one right aaaaand it got quite a bit longer than expected. I hope you like it.

___

“Darling, could you hand me the - “

Magnus doesn’t even get to finish the sentence before the salt shaker shoots towards him and comes to a screeching halt a few centimetres away from his face where it hovers in the air, wobbling back and forth like an overexcited dog wagging its tail so hard it makes its entire body move. Magnus blinks at it, perplexed, before his expression morphs into something carefully neutral that still manages to look somewhat pinched.

“Sorry,” Alec says sheepishly.

“No need to apologise.” Magnus’ tone is deceptively breezy, which is how Alec knows just how bothered his husband truly is. “I don’t think I’ve ever been passed the salt this quickly, unless, of course, I summoned it myself.”

Yikes. Alec flinches a little. “You know I can’t control it.” It comes out more defensive than he intended, and much more defeated as well.

Since their return from Edom, his - Lorenzo’s - magic has popped up during unexpected moments, without rhyme or reason. No one can really explain why it keeps happening; Magnus suspects it’s a certain overreaching magical residue that their stint with the alliance rune left behind, and by all reason, it should have been used up by now. None of the others seem to have had problems with their partners’ powers manifesting after they left the collapsing dimension of hell. Alec wishes that Clary’s connection to Simon could lead her back to the Shadow World, or that Jace still had moments in which he couldn’t lie – that, at least, would simply make for funny moments instead of occasionally embarrassing or even dangerous ones.

The problem, Alec thinks dourly, is less the spontaneous bouts of magic he can now perform but rather his lack of control. There’s a certain manic energy to it when it bubbles up under his skin, announcing itself in a hot rush rising to the surface, but always far too late for him to try and center himself and keep his emotions in check, pushing it down.

The first time it happened is actually quite funny, in retrospect. They’d left for their honeymoon, portalled from the Institute to the loft to grab their bags, and when Magnus had bent over to pick up the suitcases, all Alec could do was stare at the delicious swell of his ass in his expertly tailored trousers and think: God, I can’t wait to get him naked. A second later, Magnus had been, and Alec had honestly thought Magnus was a mind-reader - or maybe just as desperately horny as Alec was after being subjected to the glorious sight of his husband in a tux for hours without being able to do anything about it - and told Magnus as much, until he saw the panicked look in his eyes when he said “I didn’t do this.”

That thoroughly ruined the mood for a while, until Magnus had checked him over three times and established that it wasn’t hurting Alec and also very likely not permanent.

Two weeks later, and the magic still hasn’t subsided much. It’s not a constant presence, so Alec can’t claim to be a warlock, or even warlock-adjacent, really, but at this point, the only good thing about it is knowing how fucking eager it is to please Magnus, like it’s a manifestation of Alec’s soul, his innermost wishes. So far, he’s accidentally dyed some of Magnus’ shirts when he complained about the colour being just a little bit off to match his waistcoats, nearly slammed a book Magnus had considered reading into his face, dumped a rather sizeable number of drinks in front of Magnus (or on him - it’s not like he can aim) and made an entire orchard worth of almond trees bloom when Magnus lamented that he hadn’t been able to bring Alec for their season. On one particularly memorable occasion, he had made the bed float two feet above the ground as Magnus fucked all conscious thought out of him. Thankfully, Magnus had ignored it while it was happening, and only teased him about it a little afterwards. It also marks the only time Magnus had reacted with something other than a startled expression that soon turned a little sour, and probably only because he had been particularly smug about the demonstration of his sexual prowess.

Alec hates the strange tension that arises whenever the magic decides to show its face. They’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of their marriage, goddamnit, not dealing with – whatever this is.

“I know, darling. It’s fine,” Magnus assures him, plucking the salt shaker out of the air and seasoning his eggs. He studiously avoids Alec gaze as he’s doing it.

“Okay, what?” Alec asks, more brusquely than Magnus deserves.

Magnus blinks at him. “Pardon?”

“Look, I get that this - “ he wiggles his fingers around like Magnus usually does when he’s performing magic and ignores the slightly alarmed look on his husband’s face, “- is super annoying, because I can’t seem to get a grip on it, but you have to stop looking at me like that when it happens.”

“Like what?”

“Like…” Alec bites his lips, searching for the right word. “Disapproving.”

“I don’t look at you like that,” Magnus protests.

“Yes, you do, Magnus. So what is really bothering you? What’s so bad about me having magic?”

Magnus hesitates.

“You promised not to lie to me,” Alec reminds him, and it’s pettier than it should be, to throw their weddings vows back in Magnus’ face like that. They aren’t even fighting, really, and God, Alec is an asshole.

Magnus just sighs. “You’re right,” he concedes, before Alec can start to apologise. “It’s just…it’s kind of stupid.”

He looks kind of shifty. Alec has seen that expression on his face only once before, when they were sitting in Alec’s office after Magnus had moved into the Institute.

Oh. Oh.

The penny drops.

“Are you jealous?” Alec asks, somewhat flabbergasted, because it makes even less sense this time around than when Magnus thought Underhill was any sort of competition.

Magnus makes a wounded noise. “I wouldn’t quite call it that this time.”

“This time?” Alec repeats a teasing smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “So we’re finally admitting that it was jealousy last time?”

Magnus throws him a half-hearted glare but doesn’t otherwise react. So it’s serious, then. Alec reaches out, tangled their fingers together and squeezes gently. “Explain it to me,” he says. “Please.”

“It doesn’t bother me that you have magic,” Magnus says after a long moment. “But it bothers me that the magic you are wielding is Lorenzo’s magic.”

“Why?” Alec asks. For the most part, Lorenzo and Magnus seem to have buried their hatched and jumped straight into an odd friendship that will certainly consist of still constantly trying to annoy and one-up each other, just, well, fondly instead of angrily.

“I just -” Magnus stops, sighs. “I know it’s – childish, and sort of selfish, but I had thought, with how close we are, that if you ever got a taste of magic, if you ever got to wield some yourself…I wanted it to be mine.”

Alec stills. “Oh.”

“I never believed it would be possible, of course, and when it turned out that it was, I wanted so badly to share this part of me with you. Because I want you to see, to –”

“Understand,” Alec finishes. “I get it.”

He does. All his desperate attempts aside, he never truly could understand what it means for Magnus to lose his powers. He probably would never have understood Magnus completely, but to wield his powers, to get to experience the very essence of him so intimately – he knows he would have cherished it immeasurably, and mourned its loss once it was gone.

Magnus smiles, a little brittle. “And now it will never happen.”

“You don’t know that,” Alec argues. “We still have the alliance rune, and we might still need it one day. I mean, I hope not, but…”

“Clary lost her runes over this,” Magnus reminds him quietly. “I don’t think I should like to risk it.”

He’s right, of course. The angels had made it very clear that they hadn’t approved of the new runes Clary had created, and her last, most powerful ones especially. Her punishment was a clear warning not to meddle with the status quo again or suffer the consequences.

Alec grips Magnus’ hand a little tighter. The loss of possibility stings, now that he has been made aware of it. “I’m sorry,” he says. “For what it’s worth, I really wanted it to be you.”

“There’s no use crying over spilt milk,” Magnus says, shrugging. “And I do mean it, you don’t have anything to apologise for. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Yeah, maybe. But it hurt you every time you had to see it, and I didn’t realise.” He hesitates. “Could you…take it away?”

“Why would you want that?” Magnus asks, surprised. “It’ll go away on its own.”

“It may go away on its own,” Alec corrects. “We don’t know for sure. And I could handle it, but if I end up hurting you - even accidentally - all the time, then I don’t want to.”

Magnus sits back, looking a little overwhelmed, like it still astonishes him, the length to which Alec will go to try and make him happy. “I - I could try. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Alec says firmly.

“I - alright.” Magnus grabs both of his hands gently, turns them around. “Close your eyes, darling, and try to concentrate on finding the source of the magic in you. Push it to the surface, if you can, it should make this much quicker and easier.”

Alec tries. He’s never been good at meditating or quieting his mind, but as he probes around, thinking where are you, please, please, he suddenly feels a spark of it, perking up at his call. I’m sorry, he thinks, feeling vaguely remorseful as he gathers it up and tries to nudge it outward, I have to let you go now.

It pulses once, warming him from inside out, as if to say goodbye, and then it’s gone. Magnus gasps a little, and when Alec opens his eyes, he sees the tendrils float up towards the ceiling and dissolve into sparkling flower petals that sink to the floor slowly before disappearing entirely, much like the ones Magnus threw into the air at their wedding.

“That was very pretty,” Magnus says. “If a tad overdramatic.”

“Made you smile,” Alec shrugs, and pulls him in for a kiss.

#shadowhunters #malec #my fic #meme #i hope read more works again or I'll get angry asks in my inbox again #here for the headcanon that magic has a mind of its own #and alec's just wants magnus to be happy #also magnus is jealous and bad at lying about it which is the only canon aspect included in this ficlet oops #Anonymous

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kinkymagnus · 6 years ago

Note

Do you have any headcanons about Magnus crossdressing? (Although I hate this term because clothes don't have a gender)

LET MAGNUS BANE WEAR A SKIRT.

and a dress. and lacy lingerie. and pretty “traditionally feminine” things.

he already does have a more traditionally feminine style sometimes–particularly season one, with the open and silky flowy colorful shirts. and his makeup. and it suits him.

but seeing him properly in like fishnets or a dress… ldfkgjkgfdhj

(also, i totally get you on clothes not having a gender. i mean, i’m a trans dude but i do like skirts/dresses sometimes? which can have some. self-esteem issues. but like. my point being a guy can like skirts/dresses and all that and not be less manly. and skirts/dresses/makeup don’t have to be “a girl thing”.)

but REALLY magnus in traditionally feminine clothing would be so good. i would pay to see magnus in a skirt, okay?

(not to mention the part of me that hardcore likes trans or nonbinary magnus is screaming at the idea of nonbinary!magnus in a skirt, ok.)

but ok okok ok ok oko kok oko kok spECIFICALLY. you asked for headcanons. so let’s do that. ok

magnus “crossdressing” headcanons under the cut:

magnus generally likes a more androgynous fashion: not super “masculine” (like, idk, dirty overalls or jeans or whatever is considered “manly”, or like even plain but nice/sharp suits and stuff) but definitely not super “feminine” either (like dresses). he tends to go for the happy middle ground. HOWEVER

that doesn’t mean magnus doesn’t like either/or. and honestly, tho he might not admit it easily, he prefers some more feminine clothing.

dresses are super flowy and nice, and he’s got great legs so

also because i project myself onto characters i like and relate to: for magnus, how the fabric feels is one of the most important parts of an item of clothing.

it doesn’t matter how nice the dress is, if it doesn’t feel good against his skin or at the very least feels comfortable, he won’t wear it.

and that kind of applies vice versa–while he has standards as to what he’ll wear in public, he 100 percent has some dresses/skirts/shirts/robes/whatever that are kind of frumpy or just look okay but are made of the SOFTEST fabric, with just the right amount of like, heft to it, and feel so nice against his skin.

anYWAY. magnus likes all sorts of dresses (i know i keep going back to dresses and that’s not all crossdressing is but look i love dresses despite being a dude so i’m gonna project ok?) but like. there’s different Moods. there’s “this is a nice dress and i feel Powerful in it” and “this is a fancy as fuck dress, look at it, it’s a ballgown, it’s heavy and swooshy, i can spin” there’s “this is light and breezy on the bits, feels nice, comfy” and “this is like a cosplay dress, i look bomb as fuck even tho i can’t wear it forever because it’s heavy and complicated” and “this is nice, i just feel a little more feminine today and it it looks good on me but it’s not uncomfortable”

magnus looks good in red and gold as well as blue and purple ok

magnus in a skirt. magnuS IN A SKIRT. androgynous fashion is great. magnus in a more masculine but kinda open shirt, maybe even a button up, and a simple black skirt (not tiny but not long either), maybe fishnets because fishnets look so good and make you feel good wearing them ok and he looks SO GOOD. long legs mostly showing off, draped over the arm of a chair as he’s just like lounging sideways in it and alec is like HOLY SHIT YOU LOOK GOOD

magnus. in a crop top. not inherently feminine by any means but still. this could mean a more masculine one or a blatantly feminine one. either way he looks good.

piercings!!! earrings. sometimes simple and subtle ones like little black beads, other times more elaborate/obvious. hoop earrings, or dangly pretty ones. whatever goes with his outfit and his mood.

magnus in lacy underwear and lingerie will always be my jam okay

he looks so good with silky/lacy underwear ok

magnus casually defying gender roles is my life

i would think that over his centuries of living he’s like. gotten more and more bold as the years went by?

this next part works better if you fly with this ‘magnus is lowkey nonbinary’ headcanon but it works for not that too

actually fuck it this is trans nonbinary man magnus now.

(nonbinary man = someone who identifies more as masculine and a man, likes he/him pronouns and they/them pronouns, etc. but is also not quite a man and like, kinda in between gender wise? nonbinary but leaning masculine? possibly me, i’m still figuring it out. but anyway.)

(also i have a lot of feelings about magnus and they/them pronouns but for the purposes of this post i’ll stick with he/him)

he started off like. when he realized who he was and was like, transitioning and stuff. he dressed super masculine, trying to like, compensate, you know?

he felt guilty that he still likes some “girly” things because it’s like how do you know you’re really a man if you like girly things? are you faking it? (spoiler alert he’s not there’s nothing wrong with a trans man liking “feminine” things, nor a nonbinary person)

anyway eventually he got more comfortable with exploring a little–some “guyliner”, maybe plain or darker colored nail polish, kohl. subtle stuff at first

he got bolder with encouragement from his friends, with like, meeting other queer people and stuff–more colorful makeup, clothing, nicer stuff

he may or may not have went through a brief phase of going way over the top

actually come to think of it the standards for masculinity have changed a lot over the years there were times when masculine was huge frills and poofy sleeves, right?

idk how to fit that in there but it does, ok

anyway the point is magnus gets more and more comfortable with himself

and right now during canon era he’s more on “boldly expressing himself but still has tons of issues so maybe not completely or as openly as he’d like”

aka he wears makeup and jewelry and more feminine clothes but he tends to wear more “risky” things in private/with close friends only. (as well as not being super open about being nonbinary and/or trans. some other queer downworlders know, particularly baby ones who are like also trans/nb and magnus is more than happy to help with like, glamours and potions or a person to talk to and shit)

the first time catarina sees him in a dress lounging in his apartment looking fabulous she doesn’t bat an eye she’s just like “damn that’s good where’d you get it” and he lights up (she doesn’t fail to notice his shoulders relax a little) and starts talking about this fabulous little shop in france run by a friend of his

ragnor is probably the only person he’d ever openly and directly talked to about this, one night earlier on when he was rather drunk and he saw a skirt he really liked but he was afraid to get

ragnor bought it for him later

anyway

quick detour on they/them pronouns. magnus usually uses he/him because he likes those pronouns just as much and it’s just easier in so many ways but cat, ragnor, and some of his other close adopted family members often use they/them because they know magnus doesn’t hear it enough and he likes those pronouns too

alec finds out about him being nonbinary/enjoying they/them pronouns and magnus is a little worried because he knows alec is Gay but alec is like. so accepting and understanding. and even days where magnus feels more nebulous and less masculine alec is like “babe i love men yes but i love you MOST, on days were you’re a man and days when you’re not” because a) sexual attraction =/= love and b) alec loves magnus not his dick (although i have feelings about being trans + magical transitioning and believe it is fully possible magnus could potentially be pretty much biologically male with enough powerful magic ok)

anyway alec uses both he/him and they/them with magnus depending on what he’s comfortable with that day and magnus is so happy ok

BACK TO CROSSDRESSING (you’re right, that is a stupid term–especially since i’ve detoured into nonbinary man magnus because im dumb and now the “cross” part even MORE doesn’t work)

ok but once canon era is over and malec are happily married and immortal

magnus now has several friends (i mean he already had that but now one of them is gone–although we can easily say ragnor faked his death i mean–and he has a few new ones. like. simon is immortal so. just saying.) AND a loving husband who loves and supports him so much

who are there to support and encourage him

so magnus might get more and more open and possibly wear skirts and stuff even in public

and yeah he gets some assholes who are dicks about it but he also gets the occasional shy teenager complimenting him on his skirt or a grown woman being like “oh my god THE COLOR where did you GET THAT”

generally the downworld is pretty supportive

and if anyone’s a dick about it i mean

while magnus can defend himself

catarina, raphael, alec, or one of his many other supporters is probably gonna get there first

#magnus bane #malec #alec lightwood #shadowhunters #catarina loss #ragnor fell #nonbinary magnus #trans magnus #nb magnus

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antthonystark · 8 years ago

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Hi, original Jace anon here, thanks for such a well thought out response. After 2A Jace is my fav character and alot of the credit goes to Dom. He just shone. And yeah, I agree that his arch has been done a lot but he stood out to me. Whereas I really liked Malec in season 1 but found them quite boring in 2A. The acting and the story just didn’t stand out to me. And I find Alec the most boring right now(unpopular opinion).We all have things we like and don't. Respecting others opinions is key.

no problem it’s what i do! and yeah, exactly. there’s literally no point to getting one’s titties in a twist over other people’s opinions/interpretations of a fictional text because there are always going to be different ones. it’s just the way it is and always has been and always will be. i mean, people have been arguing for like 4 centuries about whether hamlet was mad or not ya know what i mean lmao and in my experience trying to strong-arm other people into sharing your opinion is just going to divide people further lol.

see i kinda see what you’re saying, but i could never find alec boring bc everything he does is the most interesting thing in the show to me lol, but i can agree that he didn’t have tooooo much to do in s2a (s1!alec’s arc is still my fave) especially compared to jace, and honestly if s2a were the first season, i’m sure jace would be my #1 cause i found his arc more compelling than alec’s 2a arc since he had more to do. HOWEVER, that being said, the reason why im not too put out about that and why im stil alec trash number one is bc i feel like for alec 2a was more of a set-up of some things (e.g. conflict with family, relationship with magnus, bid for institute leadership, guilt over jocelyn) which are hopefully going to get their payoff in 2b to make a complete arc (i feel like people see 2a too much as a whole autonomous thing, where it’s really the first half of a season that 2b will be completing, so it is by its own definition incomplete)

also……same w malec tbh? i ship that shit a lot so every scene there is of malec is exciting to me lol. i see what you’re saying a bit, as i feel like s1!malec may have been more explicitly exciting because there was more tension and that will-they-won’t-they vibe, whereas 2a was kind of transitioning from that place to the “established relationship” phase of malec which i’m hoping to see in full force in 2b. in a lot of ways, not just with malec, i think 2a was kind of transition period, which might be why it gets a bad rap sometimes. but on the whole i cant really agree w/ malec being boring lol just by its nature it’s exciting to me bc it’s on the whole so utterly unprecedented in terms of what it is and the type of representation that it provides - like it is by its very nature groundbreaking, you have to admit. (i also liked the writing, other than the major mishaps that have been talked about largely wrt 2x07, and i thought the acting was stellar too but i am an incorrigible matt stan so that last part might have some bias lol.)

i will agree that dom was probably the mvp of s2a, tbh. i think a portion of it goes to writing, as jace obviously has a lot going on because he is the deuteragonist of the show, compared to the other characters, but i dont think that means dom deserves any less credit because he was stellar throughout. i also agree 100000% that it’s dom that makes jace stand out more to me - i think he brings a certain depth and sensitivity to him that makes an otherwise somewhat prototypical character much more engaging.

(the other person i’d give it to would be alberto because alberto is just always so consistently good you almost don’t realize how great he is because he’s just always at 10000% tbh)

#idk if it's just me but i do really find dom's performance rly compelling #cause i def didn't like jace this much in the books #i didnt like anyone in the books lol #dominic sherwood #uhh what did i talk about here #jace herondale #alec lightwood #malec #alberto rosende #my thoughts #wow that's a mishmash of subjects lol #shadowhunters #anonymous #mavra answers #text post

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antthonystark · 8 years ago

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I feel a bit confused at the amount of posts about that little girl in new SH episode. Everyone is already announced her a daughter of Magnus and Alec, writing fanfics about their future life with her, typing essays about them together and I'm like... Why? Why so much hype and so much craziness over it? Maybe I don't understand something here but it makes me uncomfortable as if people are looking into things too much and rushing everything

i mean i think a lot of it is all in good fun, you know, with the jokes that magnus and alec are both very caring and nurturing people so they’ll adopt children on sight - not meant to be taken completely seriously.

and a lot of the more serious stuff about it actually comes from the fact that magnus and alec canonically did adopt a warlock child and then later an abandoned shadowhunter child, but that was much later on in their relationship, after they had both moved in together and everything. so i think people are seeing madzie as a precursor/replacement to these events - so if you’re not familiar with this from the books, then this reaction towards her likely going to seem a lot stranger to you i think!

but yeah, i feel like a lot of the time people treat alec and magnus as if they already have an established relationship such that they would be adopting children together - a lot of which is just in good fun, which isn’t a big deal or anything. i just think it takes some of the fun out of watching the growth and hurdles of their relationship as they fall for each other, if you’ve already obstinately skipped over all of that to the ‘they’re totally married’ phase (i mean, i JUST answered an ask where i said “married malec(tm) ” so i can hardly talk, but like i said, that and most other references to that type of thing are just in good fun).

#hope this makes sense :)#people always like to take things and run with them in fandom #i think of all things this isn't the worst thing to do that with tbh #all in good fun like i said #malec #shadowhunters #sh spoilers #Anonymous

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antthonystark · 8 years ago

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I don't get why some malec shippers are so pressed about people shipping jalec? Like we all know malec is canon why are you all so concerned about what people personally like and enjoy?? It's interesting that despite their ship literally being real they're so insecure about it that when someone ships their character with someone else they freak out

yeah, man, if everyone thought like you and i do, fandom would be a better place because ship wars wouldn’t exist. the single worst, stupidest thing about fandom is easily a ship war - even if they don’t call it that, that’s still what it is lol. unfortunately what a lot of people in fandom are best at is pitting people against each other for absolutely no reason, and they’re extremely good at it too (which, hey, at least they have, uh, something going for them)

my philosophy is “ship and let ship” - even if i don’t ship something, i don’t care if you do, it’s not my business, who cares who cares who caaaaaaares which fictional characters strangers on the internet like to think about and write about for fun?? how pressed do you need to be to make something so ridiculously insignificant your business and get all pissy and self-righteous about it lol

like, in terms of OTPs, i ship malec first and foremost (i shipped jalec casually for a bit at the start of s1 when alec actually had canon feelings for jace, and then alec’s “my brother” tirades as s2 began sort of got me out of it lol and now it’s just my #1 brotp), so i would never want to see alec with anyone except magnus. but why should i care if someone else thinks differently? what business is it of mine, right? especially given that malec is so very, extremely, incredibly canon (like…endgame, everyone’s OTP level canon), so who’s it really hurting lol

i feel like the jalec hate comes more from the magnus people than the alec people (not to throw magnus stans under the bus and i, as an alec stan, might be biased), and i totally get being upset with people who would make magnus’s character insignificant or try to demonize him or imply that he’s not good enough for alec - if people who ship jalec do those things then that’s absolutely fair enough to get upset about it. but, for the most part, come on, this is fandom. not everyone’s going to ship the same things you are, or look at things the same way, and that doesn’t mean that people are disrespecting your character or whatever it is you feel, right?

and you’re right about the fact that malec is not only canon but so extremely overwhelmingly popular….listen……there’s almost nobody in this fandom that doesn’t ship malec - there’s no reason to go after the few people that don’t. even a lot of people who like jalec also like malec, from what i’ve seen. like imagine not shipping malec in this fandom - you’re probably not having the best time anyway, and then people just act like assholes about it for absolutely no reason and i don’t get it tbh

and then, of course, as i mentioned in brief earlier, there’s the whole “brother” thing that has come up especially in the first couple of episodes of season 2, where people say that shipping jalec is incestuous. i can understand that perspective to an extent, (and like i said, it kind of put me off shipping jalec romantically) because adoptive siblings are still siblings, and alec clearly now considers jace to firmly be his brother in canon. but, again, if people want to ship it, i don’t have an issue with it, and i’m not going to go after people for it because it’s not my damn business - because it’s not, like, clary/sebastian where it’s, ya know, involving blood relationships. and especially because jace/alec was 50% canon for at least 9 of 13 episodes in season one, in that alec had actual feelings for jace that were 100% canon (although one-sided, reducing the canon level to the aforementioned 50% figure, if that makes sense). what’s more, these feelings were really important to his character arc in the first part of the first season.

and, consummate alec stan that i am, i find it somewhat disrespectful to alec’s character as a guy who was really struggling and suffering with the guilt and shame of having feelings for someone like jace who was taboo to him for so many reasons by saying anyone who thinks those feelings were valid or real is gross or wrong or has an incest fetish or some such nonsense like that.

(and, okay, they met each other when one was ten and the other approximately twelve. they weren’t necessarily “raised together” until they were on the cusp of teenhood - so that they consider each other brothers is totally, 100% valid like i said because adoptive relationships are still family relationships, but i don’t think it’s that bad if people ship it romantically, but maybe i’m just desensitized to all manners of things as a result of being in many, more gross fandoms before this one lol)

like, also, listen. i don’t think people really understand why people like me - who ship malec - are a little iffy about how they never really wrapped up alec’s feelings on jace. the thing is, i’m first and foremostest an alec stan, and if you watch s1, especially the early part of it, through alec-tinted glasses, so much of his arc and personal character elements have to do with his feelings for jace, and then it didn’t get a whole of resolution. and rather than have them be naturally phased out as his interest for magnus grows - which i would have been totally fine with because that’s realistic and makes sense - it kept being brought up as late as episode 9 (when alec punched jace in the face for bringing it up, so that’s healthy) and then just completely dropped out of the blue by the next three episodes. and then he’s just 100% brother, no mention of those feelings that he so awfully struggled with. they did kind of do a bit of ship whiplash - shiplash, coining it now, nailed it - between having alec actually have feelings for jace to considering him his brother and nothing else, especially since they really played up alec’s feelings for jace (or maybe that was just matt daddario’s insanely well-acted longing stares @ jace that just sort of punched me in the gut every time, so i overstated their importance in my own mind, which is entirely possible). again, introducing magnus and starting to build the malec relationship makes sense as an impetus for affecting this change in the jace/alec relationship, but the one line that will always haunt me is the one in 1x09 - why bring it up if you were just trying to phase it outtttttttt

from an alec stan and a writing perspective, it sorta rubbed me the wrong way, but if they’re doing it this way, i have no problem and don’t want them to unnecessarily revisit it for no real reason other than to present a pointless, perfunctory “wrap-up” similar to the tacked-on resolution that was presented in the books where alec only “thought” he had feelings for jace. i’d much, much, much rather them go forward with malec if that’s what the intention is, because ultimately that’s where things should be and i don’t want them to get hung up on things that should have been wrapped up in the first season but weren’t. but wanting closure on an important arc for your favourite character isn’t a bad thing, either. i feel like these days people even acknowledging that alec’s feelings for jace were real in any way are considered “lol gross j*lecs who hate magnus and only want white men to get together lol”

#you give me a question about jalec and malec and how people in the fandom are shitty #you're going to get minimum 1200 words i dont make the rules #well i guess i had more to say about this than i thought lol #jacealec #malec #shadowhunters #mine:meta #alec lightwood #wank for ts #anonymous

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