#I don't need to know what she thinks to be able to point to something and go 'I see where you were inspired for this metaphor
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Hondo calls Deacon after dinner. "Hey. Kinda need to talk with you?"
"If it's about what you were asking me in HQ earlier this week, I'm not talking about it with you, Hondo."
"I saw you with Rocker today."
Hondo can't believe what he is saying even as the words spill out. The image of Deacon kissing Rocker's hand is seared in his mind and he still feels thrown by it. The sheer concept of Deacon divorcing Annie is already so far beyond what Hondo thinks is possible, and he's currently awash in disbelief that Deacon is actually cheating on his wife. He won't be able to work with Deacon until they have a proper conversation.
Deacon inhales sharply. Then he says, "Text me a location, I'll see you there."
---
Deacon arrives ten minutes late.
"You and Rocker?" Hondo says as an opener.
"Yes," Deacon says.
Hondo rubs a hand over the top of his head. "Hell... Deac, why? How and why?"
Deacon tilts his head and studies Hondo coolly. Then he says, "I'm gonna need a drink to get through this." Standing, he goes to the bar and grabs a beer, bringing one along for Hondo as well.
When he sits down again, he doesn't look at Hondo for a long moment. It's uncomfortable. Hondo can't recall the last time he was uncomfortable in Deacon's company. Finally, Deacon exhales, low and resigned.
"Listen, Hondo. Me and Donovan... It's not something either of us expected, but it is how it is. If you're gonna tell me to break it off, that it'll hurt our careers - his more than mine, let's be honest - and all of that... We've already gone over it."
"Donovan," Hondo echoes flatly.
"Yes, Donovan." Deacon's gaze is as steadfast as it has always been.
"Wow." The beer is cold in his hand and he sets it on the table, cocking his head to look at the beads of condensation roll down the side of the bottle.
Deacon takes a long swig of his beer. Then he leans forward on his elbows. "Hondo. How long have you known me? Hmm? Do you think I would do anything this serious without having considered alternatives? That I haven't tried any other avenue?"
"That's not what I am trying to say, man. I'm just... I'm just shocked. You and Annie have been together ages, and-and I always thought of you two as, I don't know, the ideal."
For the first time since Hondo confronted him almost a week ago, Deacon looks tired. "i thought so too. It happened so suddenly and I wasn't prepared for... for this storm. I've prayed, fasted, gone to confession. Therapy. Hell, Donovan kept telling me to go back to Annie, and every damned time, when I was hurting or scared or upset or just... pissed off, I think of him. I think of him. And I feel better."
That's not something Hondo expected to hear. "But you love Annie," he says, hoping that means something. "Don't you?"
"I do," Deacon says. Resignation colors his expression and his tone. "I will always love her. She's the mother of my kids, and she has been my staunchest supporter and I have been happy to support her in her career too. And honestly? I would've forced myself to remain in the marriage, for the kids if nothing else, but it's come to the point I dread going home. I dread it."
"So you hooked up with Rocker? Deac, it's a crisis in the marriage, that's not worth cheating on Annie."
A strange expression flits over Deacon's face. He narrows his eyes and asks, "How long do you think I've been with him?"
"Two months? Ten weeks?"
"Over a year and a half."
"Almost two years?" How has he missed the signs? Or did Deacon and Rocker really manage to pull the wool over everyone's eyes? It has to be the latter because there was no way, no way, that gossip of the two of them in an affair wouldn't set HQ on fire. "Since when?"
"Since Sydney. You know, the one Hicks said you weren't allowed to attend after all that drama in Thailand?" Deacon leans back in his seat and he traces patterns in the condensation on the table.
"Did he seduce you? Did he, uh, I don't know. Did he get you drunk, or-or something?"
Deacon chuckles. "Wow. You're really trying to paint him as the bad guy, huh." He sighs. "Sorry, but, uh, I was the one who jumped him. The only thing he did wrong was not to punch me in the mouth after I kissed him." Deacon blows out a breath and laughs quietly again. Then his expression grows pensive as he regards Hondo. "He's not the one to blame. Every time he pulled away, I went after him. Hell, at some point he could've torpedoed my career by arresting me as a stalker. I chased after him. Couldn't stop thinking about him and couldn't cut ties with him. I don't know how to explain it."
There's a lot Deacon isn't saying. Hondo drinks his beer in silence for a while, trying to digest the information. "You said he pulled away."
"Yes, several times." With a small shrug, Deacon adds, "He went out of his way to schedule opposite shifts from 20-Squad. We fought about it. At one point I wanted to quit SWAT because I couldn't bear it. He talked sense into me, and then he made me promise to go our separate ways, told me to really work on my marriage."
Hondo raises his eyebrows. His eyes fall on the empty space on Deacon's ring finger.
"I tried. But every time I held Annie or kissed her or, heck, even just holding her hand... It didn't feel right, not anymore. Sleeping next to her while thinking of another was a special kind of torture." Deacon takes a long gulp of his beer and shuts his eyes. "I feel like such a failure admitting that out loud."
What can Hondo say to that? He doesn't have the right words for this. Nichelle would know how to approach the matter with more tact.
"I tried to focus on giving Annie what she needed, what she wanted. Focused on the kids. But I soon realized it was too late for that. The the affair was over for more than three months - a hundred and eleven days - when I finally decided that I was done lying to myself. I can't live a lie for the rest of my life... so I decided on divorce."
Hondo shakes his head in disbelief. "Really? You'd give up on your marriage and your family for him?"
"Hey. What's that tone? 'For him'?"
"Deac. It's Rocker. He's always been, like, mini-Mumford. He's competitive and cocksure and he snipes at us whenever he can."
"And he always shows up for us when we need him. And don't act like we don't like poking him in his sore spots either, okay? We're no angels." Deacon scratches the tip of his nose. "You only see him at work, Hondo. I'm not gonna go into details, but he's a completely different guy out of the uniform."
"I'm taking your word for it," says Hondo, slightly chastened, and then adds with a little smirk, "And I am not interested in hearing about him out of his uniform."
"Shut - You know I didn't mean it that way." Deacon's laughing now, shaking his head. Then he shrugs and rolls his eyes. "Okay, I did mean it that way. A little bit."
"Ah, no, I don't need to hear any of that."
That weak joke cracks the ice that was growing between them, and somehow Hondo breathes a little easier.
"But... is divorce really what you want?"
"It wasn't an easy decision to make. When I decided I had to tell Annie, I sat in my car and cried. I was a wreck. All I wanted was to go home to Donovan and I couldn't. So I cleaned myself up, got back to my house, kissed my kids as they slept, thinking that maybe, maybe looking at them, I could change my mind. And then I saw Annie in our bedroom and I knew I'd passed that point. You've no idea..." Deacon's stoic mask slips a little and the heartbreak is evident. "I love her. I do. But I can no longer bear to be with her. So I told her I wanted a divorce."
Hondo can't wrap his head around it. He loves Nichelle and he means to keep loving her as his wife for as long as he can. He can't picture walking away from Vivienne either.
Deacon clears his throat. "And the next day, she asked me again, if I meant it. And I still did. I still do. I wish... I wish it had never come to this." His lips twitch. "I fled the house and I went straight to Donovan's and for the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe." He scoffs and shakes his head. "All those times when I judged people for not upholding their marriage vows, for infidelity... And now I'm an adulterer, about to live in sin with my boyfriend."
Hondo hissed in a breath. "Divorce is one thing, but... Deacon, your faith means so much to you. The church - annulment of marriage is a really difficult thing for Catholics, right? And the kids. They're gonna be so confused," he says. "My father walked out on my mom and us for someone else, and we hated him for decades. I don't want that for you."
"I don't want them watching me grow increasingly resentful of their mother and of my marriage, Hondo." Deacon sighs. "As for the church, well. There are ways. I'll try to find the best way to give Annie the best chance at love in the future, with someone who'll love her the way she deserves, the way the kids deserve. As for my faith? Well, God will decide. If He says that I'm to be damned for my sins of loving Donovan, then let it be so."
From anyone else, it may sound melodramatic. But Hondo knows that Deacon genuinely means it. His friend has devoted himself to his faith for decades, and his roots in his belief are strong; for him to make this decision must have been harrowing.
"Custody?"
"I'll let Annie decide if she wants full or partial custody. I don't plan to fight her on anything, as long as I still have visitation rights at the very least." Deacon smiles bitterly. "It's a relief, being able to talk openly about all this." He clinks the neck of his beer bottle against Hondo's. "Thanks for, I don't know. This."
Hondo chews on the inside of his cheek. "So today, at the cafe with Rocker... You plan on coming out with him."
"We're talking about it. And he's..." A smile that's light and tender spreads over Deacon's face. "He tried to talk me out of the divorce, like you. But he's also happy about me choosing him. He's not exactly sure how to feel." He sighs. "I've put him in a tough spot for almost two years. I hate that so much. He's not meant to hide in the shadows and I selfishly forced him there."
"Does Annie know it's Rocker?"
"Not yet. She knows it's a man I'm involved with. But she will, soon, once Donovan and I decide how to proceed from here." Deacon looks at Hondo. "Or do you plan to tell her?"
For a moment, Hondo deliberated the choice. Eventually, he shakes his head. "I think that's something you need to tell her in person."
"Yeah. Yes I do." Deacon sighs. "I know I'm destroying something I've built for over ten years. I know Annie and the kids are gonna hate me and Donovan for a long, long time, if they ever forgive me." His mouth twists.
"So why do it?"
"Because I know that it's not a mistake. Nothing inside me - my mind, my heart, my conscience - says it's a mistake to see it through." The older man sighs. "I'm not trying to convince you. I'm not trying to convince anyone. I just know this is what I'm supposed to do. What I do regret is putting them through all of this. I feel guilty that I am choosing my own happiness over theirs, and ashamed I waited until I could no longer bear it to force this upon them."
Hondo finishes his beer. "I don't know if I can support you through this, Deac. I really don't."
"You don't have to." Deacon pauses and considers his words. "Support Annie and the kids. Especially the kids. I don't know if Annie will let me talk to them once I start the paperwork, but I need them to understand that I will love them with every fiber of my being till the end of my days." He reaches across the table and wraps his hands around Hondo's wrist. "Please."
"I can do that. Nichelle and I can both do that."
Deacon tightens his grip and smiles. "Thank you."
#the divorce arc#hondo harrelson#deacon kay#rockon#swat cbs#the hondo - deacon friendship is so important to me
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I mean. I don't think there IS a "Watsonian" reason that works. I just don't. If I did, this wouldn't bother me as much as it does. If there was one that I thought actually worked, the writing would probably have simply been better. Sometimes, a Watsonian explanation simply DOESN'T WORK and you just need to settle for the explanation that the writers probably entirely forgot about how important it is that the chip DOES NOT CARE about the technicality of a former Jedi because Palpatine wants them all dead without exceptions, especially within that first night. The ones who end up getting captured later to become Inquisitors should theoretically be spared specifically because they AREN'T captured by clones or something (maybe it's stormtroopers, or the Grand Inquisitor himself, who initially brings them in).
This is also just such a small line in the episode that I doubt anybody really thought about it as much as I did. It's a throwaway line, more intended to foreshadow that she's going to be a Jedi again by the next episode than anything else. If they'd just left the line out and we never saw a clone speak to her at all, that would've been one thing, we could've just all come up with our random headcanons as to why Barriss was spared. But they GAVE us a reason and the reason is exceptionally stupid and contradicts information we've been given previously. So now there's no way to headcanon around it, you cannot make a Watsonian explanation that works because it just... doesn't. It doesn't work.
But sure. Let's look at this new headcanon and talk about why it doesn't work, either. Obviously if you like it enough to keep it and it's important to you to have it because you loved TOTE and what it did with Barriss, more power to you, but I hope you don't mind that I'm going to analyze it and break down why it doesn't work on this post about why this line is exceptionally stupid anyway.
Ahsoka ISN'T actually made a general, she's officially a civilian consultant during the Mandalore mission. The only reason she's able to act like a general/commander is because Rex and the 332nd know her and choose to give her that kind of authority over them, but technically, REX is in charge and Ahsoka's only real contribution is that she understands more about the mission at hand. The clones really aren't all that confused about what Ahsoka's actual status is here, they know she's not officially a Jedi, and their loyalty to her presumably does not come from whether she's a Jedi or not.
It also just doesn't work for me that the chip allows for the clones to MAKE their own exceptions like that. If it gives that much leeway, this could be a massive problem for Palpatine. Like if the clones COULD just logic their way out of killing one of them somehow, it opens the door for some of them to survive and escape. And also, the whole point of the TCW scene is to show us that the chip CAN'T be worked around through logic. It should not allow for the clones to be able to even CONSIDER what Barriss did or didn't do and whether this does or does not make her a Jedi anymore. TBB chooses to give the clones a little bit more ability to consider their actions later on, once the chip has begun to wear off more, but in the immediate moment of Order 66 and probably the first few days or weeks afterward, the clones should have next to no autonomy over the choice of whether to kill someone that the chip/Order considers a Jedi or not.
It also seems like that would be a really complicated bit of code to try to make it so that the clones only kill people who a) are officially part of the Jedi Order and b) aren't part of the Jedi Order but ARE Force sensitive and act like Jedi sometimes, but NOT c) aren't part of the Jedi Order and ARE Force sensitive but don't always act like Jedi anymore. It's a lot simpler to just say "all Jedi, past and present."
Personally, I feel like the chip should OVERRIDE whatever the clones would've felt about the Jedi in question, not be BASED on what the clones felt about the Jedi in question. That just leaves way too much to chance and I don't see Palpatine being willing to allow that.
So, you know, have your Watsonian explanation if you want it. I'll just still be over here in my corner talking about why TOTE is badly written and makes no sense. I'm not LOOKING for a good explanation, it's not like I WANT to like this show and it's just this one weird line keeping me from enjoying it (honestly if I liked the rest of it and this was the one line I thought was bad, I'd just ignore it or find it amusing probably). I think the show is bad overall and in general anyway, this just happens to be one moment that I thought was particularly stupid. So even if you DID manage to come up with a good enough headcanon to explain it on a Watsonian level, the rest of the show would still be frustrating and upsetting and bad. The stupidity of the line is just an example of the stupidity of the rest of the writing in the show, it's an example of the greater issue with the writing on the show which is that nobody on the writing staff of this show gave a flying shit about writing something that made any sense or was good and meaningful, to the point that they couldn't even do enough homework to know that this kind of exception for Barriss SHOULD NOT HAVE WORKED.
There was an entire major plot element in the Order 66 arc of TCW season 7 about how the chip didn't care that Ahsoka wasn't technically a Jedi anymore and was forcing the clones to want to kill her anyway.
Like.
It's a pretty important part of that whole story that Ahsoka not being in the Jedi Order anymore DOESN'T exempt her from Order 66. It would've been a pretty boring story if that technicality had WORKED.
But somehow the clones guarding Barriss at the prison are totally fine applying that technicality to her.
I guess they just like her better than Rex and the 332nd liked Ahsoka in the end or something. Ironic.
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the legal katz reacting to tmasc reader doing the "a boy who's jacked and kind" trend with them ?? 🙂↕️
- 🦖
i had to look this up...embarrassing. also i only did the oldest 3 cause these came out longer than i thought...sorry 🙏
warnings/tags: fluff, established relationship, tmasc!reader, lightly suggestive content, tiktok trends
sophia
sophia isn't really one to suggest doing trends with you, nonetheless filming it and posting it on social media. but, when her feed brings her across this, she is instantly asking you to do it with her as soon as she sees it. it's late into the night, and you're half asleep when she nudges you. "yn, look at this," she tells you before showing you her phone with the video playing. "mm," you hum, nodding your head as you lean your head on the pillows. "cool." you mumble, closing your eyes. "i was thinking you could do it with me," she tells you. your eyes open when she says that, sitting up and resting on your elbow. "you want me to do it with you?" you repeat. sophia nods her head, and you let her drag you off the bed and standing up. "just lift me onto your shoulder at the cue, okay?" she sets her phone on her dresser, pointing it at you two and walking back to you. you nod your head, putting your hands on her waist and waiting for the cue. when the cue was given, you swiftly lifted the filipina up onto your shoulders, smiling softly at the camera, not noticing the look on your girlfriend's face. the filming ended and sophia looked down at you with a red face. "you can put me down now, honey," she says. you put her back down onto the ground, fixing her hair that got a little messed up. "did i do okay?" you ask her, glancing down at her. "yeah, yeah," she nods, clearly not fully listening. she knew you were strong, obviously. but the way you were so easily able to lift her up onto your shoulder had her feeling a whole different way. "let me post it and then we can go to bed," she says, pecking your lips before going and grabbing her phone. you nod, already going back to the bed when she slides in beside you, posting the video and then setting her phone down.
manon
it was actually you who brought it up to manon, seeing the video on your feed and asked her to do it while she was doing her makeup. you stand behind her as she sits at her vanity, leaning down and resting your chin on her shoulder which has her pausing to look at you through the mirror, knowing you want something. "what, baby?" she says. "i wanted to ask you somethin'" you reply. "you know that trend that couples are doing where the guy lifts his girl onto his shoulder?" manon raises an eyebrow, turning now to look at you fully. "yeah," she nods. "i was wondering if you wanted to do it with me," you smile a bit at her. a smile curls on manon's lips at your request, nodding again. "yeah, of course." you're practically grinning as you set your phone up, setting the timer for it to start and walking back to your girlfriend. "you ready?" you ask her, securing your hands on her waist. "yep," she smiles at you. it starts recording, and when it gets to the cue, you quickly lift manon up off the ground and onto your shoulder, both of you smiling at the camera as it stops filming. "thank you so much, baby," you say as you set her down, kissing her lips quickly. "you'll let me post it, right?" manon giggles at your excitement, nodding her head at your question. "of course, you know i would never miss the opportunity for my love to show off his strength," she smiles at you. "you better tag me, though. i don't need girls thinking you're for sale." her hands move up your chest to your shoulders. "well, of course," you say, wrapping your arms around her. "you know i'm only yours. for now and forever." the smile on her face grows bigger at your words. "yeah, for now and forever." she repeats.
daniela
daniela loves doing trends with you, whenever she sees one she is always asking you to do it with her, and you always agree. so when she saw this one, she was instantly running to you. you were in the middle of playing the last of us when she sat down beside you. "baby, can you pause the game or something?" she asks. "huh?" you let out, glancing over at her before back at the screen in front of you. "what's up?" you continue playing. "i wanna film this with you," she shoves the phone in front of your face, playing the video. you pause the game when the phone fills your line of sight, watching the video before looking over at her. "you want me to do that?" you question. "yeah!" she smiles at you. "okay," you shrug. it couldn't be hard, you assume. getting up off the couch, you follow daniela into the bedroom where she sets up her phone and then walking back over to you as it starts recording. "it's okay if you can't do it y'know," she teases lightly. "ha ha, very funny," you reply sarcastically, rolling your eyes. "yeah well remember when-" she's cut off of her words with a yelp of surprise when she suddenly feels her feet being lifted off the ground and she's now on your shoulder, her eyes going wide. her face immediately turns red, not even looking at the camera, instead looking down at you while you grin and give a thumbs up with your free hand to the phone as it stops recording. you put her back down onto her feet, chuckling at the look on her face. "what? you surprised?" you tease with a smile. "no," she shakes her head, her hands moving to wrap around your neck. "i'll post it later, i think we should indulge in this strength of yours." you raise an eyebrow at her, your smile growing as your hands rest on her waist. "oh really?" you say, tilting your head to the side. "yeah," she nods before leaning in and kissing you.
#katseye thoughts 💭#katseye x reader#katseye imagines#katseye scenarios#sophia laforteza x reader#sophia x reader#daniela avanzini x reader#daniela x reader#manon bannerman x reader#manon x reader#🦖 anon
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When the Phone Rings, ep 8
I have so many thoughts on this one.
Sa Eon avoids Hee Joo's question about being a good cook. He may say it's sincerity, but I suspect it has much to do with him being forced to eat foods he did not like. I do love that the communication is more open between them, even if Sa Eon is hiding who he is. I laughed at Hee Joo mentioning them no sleeping together and Sa Eon pouncing on that point.
Sa Eon mentioned a plan, which I am thinking he's been methodically working on a way to break free of his own prison. Hee Joo is not part of that plan, so he has been protecting her this entire time.
The back hug was adorable, and we get Sa Eon's inner thoughts which parallel many of Hee Joo's. He fears that she will not accept his true self or forgive him. Hee Joo dreaming that he's left means she has insecurities around him. I adored the spooning in bed, which is a contrast to an earlier episode where they faced one another.
I did like Sa Eon chasing down Hee Joo and Sang Woo. It was surprising to learn that Sang Woo also knows that Hee Joo can speak. Sang Woo is definitely shocked that Hee Joo just goes with Sa Eon so he does not know about their relationship. He also seems genuinely confused at Sa Eon's suspicions about him.
My favourite scene, hands down, is the one by the side of the road. Hee Joo explains why she's scared, why she has doubts and that she thinks she'll be left alone when she learns his secret. What she needs to be reassured is for him to come completely clean. They both need to share their worst in order to be stronger. Sa Eon does not come clean, though he definitely gives some hints.
In the end, what reassures Hee Joo completely is the company photos where Sa Eon's gaze is always on her.
I am actually very invested in the other plot about the past. I genuinely do like In A, and I do think she is on Hee Joo's side. She definitely does not like her step mom and I don't think she's thrilled about her dad. I do also like that she does not pressure Hee Joo to talk.
Kidnapper guy sniffing up Sa Eon and saying he smells nice further still says to me that he is the OG Sa Eon. Our Sa Eon clearly worked around fish and the kidnapper has a fishy smell. Add the fact that our Sa Eon's "parents" recognized the description of the bi coloured eyes and mom gave a coded message.
However, I am less convinced of my previous theory of our Sa Eon having a twin. The pictures we see in his childhood home are only of him. The twins are still key though. Whomever Sa Eon saw being drowned by who I am guessing is the Chairman is one of the twins. The one who is the "master" of OG Sa Eon is the other twin. While I am still suspicious of the assistant, he seems significantly younger that Sa Eon.
Also, wtf happened in the past? i have so many questions:
Did the grandfather kidnap boys from the orphanage, whom he assumed no one would miss, so that OG Sa Eon would have something to torture/kill and then they'd dump the bodies in the lake?
Why did our Sa Eon's father/grandfather go along with it? It seems like he knew and he let the lake be a dumping ground?
Why did he let our Sa Eon go?
Why did Chairman Paik go to Hee Joo's step father for help, ON HIS KNEES, with a gun to his head?
Why did Hee Joo's stepfather help? Why did he make the deal and what does it have to do with the accident that killed his son and caused his daughter's deafness?
Did the Chairman know who was behind the accident and Hee Joo's stepfather was able to take revenge in his own way?
Why is everyone worried about THAT PROBLEM being still alive?
How did the grandfather/father know HE was still alive?
Who tf is HE, exactly?
I suppose I could be wrong about the kidnapper being the OG Sa Eon but I don't think so?
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Full thoughts on season 7! (Or at least, as many as I can remember, sleep-deprived and emotional as I am)
Starting off positive: things I liked!
THE RUTHARI REUNION WAS EVERYTHING
Runaan's gentle kiss to Ethari's hand? The way the camera rotated around them for their kiss?? Their hug afterwards??? Ethari's little "my heart"???? This was worth the six-year wait
The moonfam in general was one of my favorite things about this season. Runaan calling Rayla his daughter again, his and Ethari's unconditional support of her, the way they interacted with Callum... it was exactly what I dreamed of
And speaking of Runaan: his speech to Ezran in 7x09 will be living in my head forever. The way his tears weren't pretty, they were real. The was he said "I'm alive". It was such a stunning conclusion to his arc
On that note: the voice acting? Spectacular. Callum and Soren had me in floods of tears when they met in the ruins of Katolis. And don't even get me started on Zubeia during her fight with Avizandum
The lighting and music were also so on-point
TERRY'S REDEMPTION ARC LET'S GO
His speech to Claudia was stunning
Also, his "hello, Zuko here" moment made me cackle
I love that he and Soren are on their way to friendship, I always thought they'd get along
I also really liked that Aanya was present throughout the season! Every time she was in an action scene I was screaming
I thought the plotline with Miyana being pregnant was really interesting, because it presents a moral dilemma that isn't explored a lot. Plus, the way Karim reacted, calling the baby his heir and never his child, was very telling of his mindset and priorities
This is going to sound really weird, but I loved the moment of Rayla taking up Runaan's bow to fulfill his promise. Like, obviously it's tragic and I was in tears, but also, it really shows her respecting Callum's agency? She was able to respect his choice and put his wishes above her own needs, and it was cool to see
I'm so glad they addressed the bird theory. There was way too much of a focus on Pip for it not to go somewhere
Things I disliked:
There were times when the animation really threw me off. Like, after Callum froze all the guards in 7x02 and they were trying to break free, they were just... tapping the ice with their weapons. Really slowly. It kind of axed any urgency. And during Ezran's speech at the end, some of the characters in the background were just... done in a completely different style? I'm sure it was a reference to something, but as someone who doesn't know what that was, it really took me out of what was supposed to be an important scene
There was a lot of explaining things over and over. Yes, we know Aaravos never lies, you don't have to keep telling us. Yes, we know the Orphan Queen wielded the nova blade, you don't have to keep telling us. Yes, we know people are not all good or all evil. You used to be really good at showing that instead of making speeches about it once an episode
Also just a lot of monologuing? Like, why did Callum have to explain in detail to Aaravos his plan to trap him before he did it? I know we the audience needed to know but from a strategic point of view, it was... not the smartest he's ever been. It would have made more sense if he was trying to explain it to Rayla, I think
It didn't really... feel like a finale. They left a lot of loose ends open, and beyond that, it felt like there was very little payoff for things that had been set up throughout the arc. Why did we spend two seasons looking for the nova blade if we were never going to use it? Why did we spend all arc foreshadowing Callum's corruption if it was never going to happen? I get that they left it for arc 3, but even so, the resolution of an arc should still feel like a resolution, much like arc 1 did
(Also, are we ever going to come back to that hallucination Callum had? Like, is he not at all concerned by the fact that he had a conversation with himself with seemingly no magical involvement?)
I wish we had gotten to see Anya act like a person. It was great to have her around, but it felt like she was in queen mode the entire time, and I'm really curious about who she is beyond the crown
Finally- the thing that I disliked the most was the way things with Callum, Ezran, Rayla, and Runaan were handled in 7x02, because it made it very hard for me to root for Callum and Rayla afterwards. I totally understand that Rayla has an attachment to Runaan and Callum has an attachment to Rayla, but neither of them seemed to actually consider Ezran at all. Like, here is this twelve-year-old boy, who just lost the home he lived in his entire life. Who lost his father at a very young age and, as a direct result, was forced into a responsibility that he absolutely should not have had to carry. I feel like at the very least the people who are supposed to love him the most could say, "hey, I understand that you're angry" instead of treating him like he's totally unreasonable. And then! They just leave him! A twelve-year-old who just lost his entire home! Who has literally no other family! And whenever they talk about mending things, it's never, "oh, I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I never took time to validate how you were feeling", it was just "we're family, we'll find our way back to each other eventually". That's not how it works. When there's a hurt like that, you don't just stop being angry without coming to an understanding. I love Runaan, and I wanted him to be free and happy, but I also think that he did in fact commit a murder (yes, technically just of a bird, but he didn't know that) and it's reasonable to expect him to face some consequences. Even if it's just, like, community service. You can be merciful without condoning
But just to be clear: I have absolutely no ill will for anyone with different views on this plot point. My frustration with it is more from a personal perspective than a writing one- my dad was killed a few years ago, so I'm siding with Ezran from an emotional standpoint. But I thought the plot was worth mentioning, since it really affected how I viewed the rest of the season
Overall, as a season, book 7 had a lot of moments that I really loved and will be rewatching very often. But as a potential sendoff, it didn't really leave me with much of a sense of closure. Fingers crossed for arc 3, I suppose!
#the dragon prince#the dragon prince spoilers#tdp spoilers#tdp#tdp callum#tdp rayla#tdp ezran#tdp runaan#tdp soren#tdp terry#tdp ethari#tdp zubeia#tdp claudia#ruthari#rayllum#ray rambles
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Bill was still smiling softly at that. He had remembered that day well, even if Cassandra had eventually passed out from the mesmerism he had forced onto her. Luckily, he was able to pretend it was just her being tired from 'Santa Claus' Magic' (as he told Russell) making her happy.
The memory slowly faded out into something else. He almost wanted to tell it to stay, so he could remain in that moment a little while longer. Older again. Not much younger than he was now. There she was, shouting behind him as he walked out of the front door. She was close behind.
You selfish piece of shit! After everything I've done for you, you're just going to leave your poor old mother behind?! How fucking dare you?! None of your brothers would have done this to me. Why, out of all of my children, did you have the one to live?! Why can't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?!
"I'm, I'm sorry, mom..." Russell no longer sounded upset or afraid as he said those words. He just sounded resigned, like he was tired of life itself. He attempted to soften the blow, "It's, it's not you, I, I just wanna see, see other places..."
Oh you'll see plenty of other places if you even fucking live. I hope you die out there and the last place you see are those fucking trenches! Because no one else is going to want you! Nowhere else is home! Home is here, with me. Everywhere you go, everyone is going to hate you eventually and then you'll come back, to me, where you belong!
"She said home was with her, but no, it , it never, it never was. I don't, I don't belong anywhere, not, not even with her. M-maybe I, I was being selfish... but, I, I just didn't want to come back to, to more of how she, she treats me. I'm, I'm a coward I know, but it, it wears you down..."
Bill had been sitting outside, whittling as Cassandra slammed the door behind Russell, still ranting and raving even as she walked away. At least by this point, he was too big for her to drag him outside by his ears anymore.
"I did tell him she wouldn't be happy," Bill said to Jonathan, "She can't manipulate or hurt him if he isn't there after all. Of course, I didn't like the idea of him leaving for good, but it's his choice to make."
I said she wouldn't be happy, boy...
"I told her if, if I survived the war, I, I wasn't planning to, to come back home to her... I, I honestly thought she, she might have been happy to, to be rid of me, Bill," Russell said, "I know you, you don't, you don't want me to go either."
It's not that I don't want you to, lad. I'm just going to miss you. Besides, it's your choice, I can't force you to stay.
"I, I mean, you, you could if, if you really wanted, but then there would be, be the risk of, of messing my, my brain up," Russell continued.
And even if there wasn't the risk, I wouldn't force you into that. It's why I've never tried to make you think better of yourself. You've got to do that on your own, without anyone having to scramble your brain and force you.
"I'll, I'll still come, come back and see you, and, and write to you, you know, if I survive..." Russell said, before he then seemed to remember that this was just a memory. A shadow of what things gone by, "I, I had been told to, to join the forces on, on the front... and, and I just accepted with-without question, I, I was going to head out in, in a few days...."
"He wanted to get away from her," Bill said, "He essentially signed a death warrant because he wanted to get away from her. I should have killed her from the start, but no, I thought he already didn't have one parent, I probably shouldn't take away the other one. God damn it..."
"I... I think I... I need a, a break... I'm, I'm sorry..." Russell said then, "I, I know we've, we've not, not seen much but... I'm, I'm sorry..."
Pathetic. That's how it felt. Like he was giving up before they had even really gotten started. But it was feeling like it was running over a bit much, like a pot that couldn't hold enough of the water being poured in. Seeing these images that were so foreign and yet so familiar.
{Jonathan felt his heart warm up at as he listened to both men speak - the fondness of the memory was clear as day, for a moment he could feel the earlier somber mood lift. A part of him was grateful that Dr.Swansea went for a more lighthearted line of questioning, hopefully this would prove useful to restoring Russell’s memories.}
{Dr.Swansea looked pleased to hear the reply he received from the young man, pausing to think yet again as to what else he could inquire on - he eventually spoke.} “Could you tell me something about yourself that you shared with someone close and they didn’t take the news well?” {He asked, wondering what kind of reply he’d get from this line of questioning.}
{Jonathan couldn’t help but quirk up a brow at the question, he found it… oddly specific? But he trusted his judgement, perhaps it had merit to it as specific questions require specific answers and those answers could just be what Russell needs to remember who he is.}
#vampyrs-and-witchers#No need to apologise at all#I'm glad you're feeling better#Frisky Barkeep | Bill#Flightless Moth | Russell#Bound Blood | Vampyr Verse
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fic: when the void stares back (ren&false)
a/n: posting a bit late bc i've had family stuff going all weekend oml. written for the @hermitadaymay solstice social event! found out too late that my partner wasn't able to participate in the end due to irl stuffs, so i only have a fic for you, but i hope you still enjoy it. <3
read here, or on ao3
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"Ren."
"Yes, Falsie?"
"Don't you ever get…"
False walked to the small window in the bridge, watching nothing but stars fill the view. She wasn't sure how to word her thoughts. Perhaps she'd been cooped up here too long, maybe that was it. Certainly, she'd broken the silence because it had grown a little too uncomfortable.
"Don't I ever get what?"
"I dunno, I think maybe I thought space would be … more filled with people or something. I wasn't expecting the silence."
Ren joined her and stood next to her, tail wagging gently behind him. "Yeah, well. It is pretty empty this side of the galaxy. We got another two months travel though, do you want to go back into stasis?"
She scrunched her nose up at the thought. "Oh, it's not that. Besides, someone has to keep you sane out here."
Ren laughed. "I mean, that's very true."
She turned to face him and smiled. "Don't want you hallucinating again, do we?"
"Hey, it was one time! And it was the spores, I promise! I'm all good now!" Ren protested.
False gently moved past him, shaking her head. "I mean, you say that Ren."
"Hey!" Ren pretended to sound offended, but even he knew what he was like. "At least this new planet won't have spores, or so Gigacorp tells me."
"Yeah, but their planetary intel is 20 years behind at this point. I mean, even this ship is old for one of her size. There's so much she can't do that the newer ships can. We wouldn't need to travel an extra two months in a new ship, that's all I'm saying. And the squirtapods create more than enough spores as it is," False said.
"True, true. I've been tinkering behind the scenes on all the blueprints, trying to modernise them, but it's hard. So much of the new tech these days doesn't retrofit easily! It's such a pain!" Ren said.
"At least you're trying. Anyway. Not sure I like the idea of another two months of this, but there's not really much choice there, right? Company policy doesn't let us pilot alone, you know that as well as I," False said.
Ren sat down at a console, pretending to idly check the dials. In reality, they didn't need to do much to run the ship. Grumbot kept it all running well enough with the maintenance drones while they were in stasis and would alert them to any issues. All they had to do was pass the time.
"I dunno, maybe I wish I had…"
Ren's voice faded off. False turned to him. "More people? I think that's it. More people."
Ren idly scratched an ear. "Yeah, I think that's it. More people."
-
This ship was too big for the two of them. A Hermetheus class ship needed a crew of at least 50 to feel in any way full of life. With just the two of them, it felt like they were piloting a casket. Maybe if they had crew in stasis, it might feel okay. She could wake them up to get some more company, take her place while she has some time in stasis as well to keep her own sanity. Instead it was just her and Ren, and the vast emptiness of space.
Had she really signed up for this when she joined Gigacorp? Well, yes, actually. That was the whole reason. Get away from, well. Get away from things. And of course, you didn't need a full crew to scout out planets to colonise. A pair will do. Once they find good planets, then the rest of the group can follow to build up the infrastructure needed for the meganodes or whatever they're called.
She smiled grimly at that thought. She was working for a jumped up telco, of all things. Of course, communications were vitally important in space, she knew that as well as anyone, so it made sense. But it still sounded so silly in her head to be travelling around, finding good planets to put big satellite towers on. Hardly felt glamorous, really. They were tradespeople, electricians, not astronauts. Not that she'd go back, of course.
Her hand clasped around her gun again purely out of habit. It sat at her waist, standard issue Gigacorp weaponry to be used when necessary. It wasn't a very good gun though. It had a janky trigger that False did not like, and its accuracy was atrocious. If there wasn't a sensor in the holster to check the gun was still in there, she'd have ditched it for a proper weapon ages ago. But Gigacorp didn't work like that.
She sat on her bed. She'd been having stasis dreams again. Always tended to happen in the few weeks after leaving stasis. She could tell them apart from regular dreams because they were so strange to her. Figments of places, people, memories of building things and rivers and giant eagles and all sorts. Lots of towers on fire and laboratories she didn't really remember the purpose of. Her sister-
She hadn't thought about her sister in a very long time. Hadn't really seen her since she was a kid anyway. Just remembered her standing in the doorway of a burning ship, telling her to run. So she did. False ran.
She'd dreamed of her before, of course, but not like this. She was her sister, seeing through her eyes. Seeing False leaving her behind. Seeing jail cells and dead scientists and fire and a maniacal laughter. It had shaken her to her core. It was just a dream though, right? Yeah, it was just a dream. Stasis hallucinations to keep her mind busy. That's all it was. Perhaps her hand clutched her gun a little tighter, just in case.
-
False busied herself with inventory. There was still a lot to do before they arrived at the planet, and the sooner they had their equipment and supplies organised, the better. At least, it made False rest easy, and it gave her something to do. Ren usually just took care of the navigation and computers, making sure they had all the supplies on order that they needed. There were always some things they had to order in from Gigacorp, and at least they were finally close enough to tap into the local networks to get more up to date information on the planet they were heading to.
False busied herself in the hangar bay where all the ships were. The exploration ships they would take out to find suitable landing spots needed to be supplied with what would be needed to begin a colony, unpacked from the cargo they'd left with. Sand, dirt, grass, seeds, and, of course, squirtapods and their containment equipment.
The droids were doing the heavy lifting. They were faceless silver things, with simple voices and simple functions. Good enough to maintain a ship at a basic level and lift heavy supplies, but that was about it. But then these droids were as old as the ship itself. A newer ship, and newer droids, would do so much more than they could right now.
She sighed as one of the droids stumbled across a grill and nearly dropped the bag of soil it was carrying. "Oi! Don't you go breaking yourself, or it'll be coming out of our wages!"
"Sorry Ms Symmetry," the droid intoned as it straightened itself up. There was no fluid movement here, just a jerky slow correction to its gait and its foot position as it rebalanced itself.
"Yeah, so you should be. Honestly. You have, like, one job! I have like, sixteen! Get it together!" False said, half-serious, half-laughing at the struggling droid.
She got out of the way once the droid had corrected itself. She didn't really need to supervise them. Grumbot was doing that. But she at least wanted to feel busy, so this was what she did with her time. The thing was, the time would pass faster than she always thought it did. Six weeks very quickly turned into two weeks, and that's when the panic kicked in, even though they were very well prepared.
She sat down on the floor, watching the droids pack the ships up. It occurred to her that Ren was, at least, ten minutes away from her. Maybe twenty if the elevators fucked up like they always did. If something happened to her, something the droids couldn't help with, she was dead. Just, straight up dead. Ren would never get to her in time.
That thought sent a shiver up her spine. She didn't want to die, of course. But they were far too few on a ship that was way too big. The nearest ship could be months away, too. Communications could take days to arrive, if they arrived at all. She tried not to think about this too much. It tended to just make her anxious.
"Falsie, how's the inventory going?" came Ren's voice on the radio, breaking the silence.
"Oh, it's going. Droids are packing up the ships. How's things up there? Still heading on the right track?" False said.
"Yeah, all good up here. You want a break? I'll make you a cuppa tea?" Ren said.
False smiled. "Yeah, sure, be right there."
-
She wasn't, of course, right there. It did take a while to navigate back to the bridge. But she found Ren sitting there with a thermos of tea and a plate of biscuits, a rare treat they'd been saving for months. Thankfully, they had kept well. They'd moved a spare table and chairs into the bridge as there wasn't really anywhere close to take a break or just sit down without risking spilling things onto the consoles. False took a seat and Ren poured her a cup of tea.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Ren said.
"Oh, you know, the vastness of space, how alone we are, how we really should have more crew here, the usual." She laughed to dismiss the fears in her head. It was fine. She was fine.
Ren laughed. "Yeah I hear you, hey Falsie? Wish Gigacorp would stop hoarding their money and get us more crew members. There's all those stasis pods going to waste for crying out loud!"
"I just can't imagine it's cheaper or more efficient to run a ship this big with only two people as opposed to like, I dunno, fifty, you know? We could get prepared for landing in a week instead of two months," False said.
Ren sighed. "Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Look, I have told them this repeatedly, but do they listen? No! Of course not! There's too much of the universe to explore, they can't spare 50 person crews for every ship!"
"No, I mean, it's not like they're the richest and only corporation in the universe. Can't hurt those profit margins though, can we now? That's why we run in old ships. Too expensive to get new ones," False said.
"Yeah, well, there's worse jobs out there for sure. At least we get to see a bunch of different planets though! That's good, right?" Ren said.
"I mean, I guess? But you can do that on your own. You can just buy a ship with a warp drive and you're set. Small ones aren't that expensive anymore if it's just you," False said.
"What do you think I did before Gigacorp? I went to so many cool planets, Falsie! And now I get to do it as a job! It's so awesome! Don't you think it's awesome?" Ren said, the enthusiasm clear in his voice.
"I guess so, maybe. If you like exploring," False said.
"Don't you like exploring? Surely you must like exploring! Why else would you sign up for these missions?" Ren said.
False shrugged and took a sip of her tea. "Sometimes you just need to- Never mind."
"Oh! Also! I finally managed to get some images of the planet we're going to! Current ones!" Ren said.
He got up and headed over to the console to bring up the pictures. He flicked through a series of pictures of the planet's surface. They showed a rocky planet with pockets of ocean and green land. It didn't look promising to False.
"I bet it's another uninhabited world," False said, going to join him.
"It might not be! There could be life there! Life can thrive anywhere!" Ren said enthusiastically.
"Hmm." False was not yet convinced. "It's just, thirteen out of the last fourteen worlds were uninhabited, is all I'm saying."
"Look, not every planet can have abundant intelligent life! That's actually what we're doing here! We go to a planet, see if it can sustain life, and leave that information for Gigacorp to deal with. Then we move on to the next assignment. It's a perfectly fine system," Ren said.
"What do Gigacorp do with all these planets anyway?" False said. "Feels like it's just busy work at this point."
"It's for the Giganodes! It's connecting the Gigaverse together! Why wouldn't you want to be involved with that?" Ren said.
"So what you're saying is that we're the chumps installing satellite. We're doing the boring cable laying gruntwork of the Gigaverse more like," False said. "I'm not paid enough to care that much about the Gigacorp vision, if I'm honest."
"Aww, come on, it's great work we're doing here! Spreading the love of Gigacorp to new and exciting planets!" Ren said.
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Ren."
-
False ran her hand over her ship, a small Valkyrie class tucked behind all the Gigacorp vehicles in the hangar. They'd been all over the galaxy together, and she'd smuggled her aboard when she joined Ren as crew. She wasn't as old as the ship they were piloting, but she had a knack for upgrades and repairs, so she was as good as the newest ships out there at the moment. Warp drive, chameleon skin, the works.
She could just fly off. She could get inside, open the doors, and fly off. Leave all of this behind. It wouldn't take much. She could stash enough supplies in here and just go.
She got inside, in spite of herself. It was comfortable in here. She knew this ship better than she knew herself. She always had a stash of emergency supplies in here. Sometimes, it was quicker to take her to rendezvous with supply ships and stations than get their Hermetheus to change course.
It was always nice to get away from the ship for a while. Talk to different people. Catch up with contacts and friends. Upgrade her ship. Profit a little on the side when she could. She knew how to take care of herself. Ren was always fine. She put Grumbot in autopilot and told him not to touch anything, and they were fine.
She sunk into the pilot's chair, her hands going to the controls through muscle memory. The desire to fly away was very strong. But she knew it would pass. Part of the training was dealing with that flight response that came from spending too much time with your partner. She knew it would pass. Just breathe. Find a supply station. Talk to other people. She'd be fine.
She closed her eyes. Imagined saying the words to open the hangar doors. Powering up the ship. Disappearing into the void like she always wanted to do.
She opened her eyes, still sitting in her ship. She shook the itchiness from her body and left, softly touching her nose as she closed the doors and powered down the ship. One day they would fly again. One day. But not today.
-
"Falsie."
"Yes, Ren?"
Ren shifted a little in his chair. "Did you know you'd never see your home again when you joined Gigacorp?"
"I mean." False glanced at him. "To be honest, I'd left home a long time ago. It didn't really worry me. I was already homeless. Best kind of person for these kinds of missions, I think. No attachments."
"Yeah, but like…" Ren paused. "I mean, you can die out here, and who'd even notice? Everyone's so so far away! By the time they get here, we'll just be skellingtons in the sand or something."
"You been having stasis dreams again, hey?" False said. "What's brought all this on?"
"I dunno. I guess the distance kind of just hit me earlier. Seeing how far we are from anywhere, really. I mean, sure there's planets out there close by, but inhabited planets? The last one was the one we left hundreds of light years away, you know?"
"I think you should stop worrying. Nothing much you can do about it. I mean, what do you want me to do? Magically make an inhabited planet appear? If it's getting to you, you can always retire, of course," False said. "Sorry, that sounded mean. But you know what I mean, yeah?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Maybe we should stop at that refuelling station coming up in a couple of days. I think I need to get out of this place for a while. It's doing my head in," Ren said, resigned.
False touched his arm for a moment. "Yeah, maybe we just need to get some time off the ship. Before we get to the planet, of course. We don't actually need to refuel, do we?"
"I mean, it doesn't hurt to get everyone topped up before a mission. And we've been travelling a helluva long time to get here, you know?" Ren said. "And, I dunno, maybe it's a good idea, you know, stock up on anything we need before we land."
"Ren, you don't need to justify it this much. We can just stop there, it's fine," False said.
"Yeah, but, like-"
"Ren, it's fine. We might as well if it's close by. And you clearly need a distraction, so. Maybe we take inventory tomorrow, and then we'll know what to pick up while we're there. Then at least it's a business expense," False said.
"True, true." Ren sighed. "I'll be honest, Falsie, there's really only one thing I want, and it's some actual good stinking food! I'm tired of living off the supplemental day rations! I'm wasting away here, Falsie, I swear!"
False smiled. "You're not wrong. I know why it's there, of course, it's all that will survive the journey, but god, I could do with some actual food."
"We're gonna dine out so stinking good, I promise. So much good food we can take to the planet with us! That'll set us up for a good start," Ren said.
"Yeah, of course," False said.
Ren fell quiet. He got up and went over to the navigation console. False saw him adjust their trajectory to head to the refuelling station. They were lucky one was close by. Sometimes they were months away, and they would have to get by on base power until they got there. Which, to be fair, was not that hard to do with only the two of them. Sometimes, they could go into stasis if there was enough power, but other times, it was just to isolate themselves in a small corner of the ship, power that for life support, and shut down most of the rest of the ship.
It would be nice to be off the ship, though. Talk to some different people. See some different things. Trade in some of the, well. Some of the things she'd collected over the years. If she'd learned anything at all over her lifetime, it was to keep your own money that your employer couldn't touch. You never know when you'll need to make an escape.
#hermitcraft#hermitfic#fanfic#solsticesocial#rendog#falsesymmetry#gigacorp au#just smol specks in the vastness of space#while also being the guys laying cable so the rest of the galaxy can get internet#they're not coping well#but they are coping#sort of
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n*loth not being able to bag anyone over the (human term) age of 25-30 at most is the only logical and real conclusion to me because it can be just explained away as him wanting to prove and control everything and anyone (Cus he's a man!) but being stuck in that demographic because his unbearable and vile personality is a force that nobody can look past once they've outgrown the possible fear and idolization period of anyone but also n*loth in particular.
#text#i think even younger ones that possess the same nasty traits can be slammed back 'In their place' (in his mind) by him just bc his -#- abilities and power alone (alt. name the factors that make him 'Cool') that dumbs them down insanely in comparison#maybe by this i mean like; ild*ri. despite the animosity she could still feel very foolish and is conscious of her wuss-ness#if that makes sense#cause no matter the disrespect anyone might have for an older capable person the reality is still reality#tbh i just think he doesn't like to sweat it much and still aims for the younger ones bc it's easier than it would be for someone that's -#- 30+ years old#and once he's proven his point he doesn't find any merit in sticking with older ones cause their interests or anything they offer -#- don't matter to or interest Him personally#i think an older demographic is just more boring to him and he would rather spend his time being metaphorically sucked off for his greats -#- by someone that already finds themselves 'lesser' than him and always will for a long time#than someone that is defiant of that fact#basically the more power imbalance the better#in his mind there will always be one unless he certainly knows someone is his equal (or better than him) but he likes the add-on of an -#- age difference too#keeps it in a safe zone with less problems for him#sorry for spitting again my brain just started machine-gunning thoughts for no reason#also i said before that he's an innocence fan. might not be a total puritan but there's something there#it's kinda like him not wanting to be with a dusty ''OLD'' person that's seen a lot anyway#i'm like barely able to hold myself back from opening my mouth to mention t*lvas where i'm making a point about n*loth's brain where he -#- isn't even needed to prove it#but like#him voicing dislike of n*loth general nauseating character and actions but still sucking up to him while n*loth can probably feel -#- that dislike anyway is cute to me i like to view it as an object being thrown into the wall over and over#where n*loth is proving his own worth to other people by drilling their brains out with proof. not that he needs to#but he would like that to be perfected a 100%#and t*lvas is capable of being molded into that state ....... probably#silusvesuisuis you didnot just confess to wanting to see t*lvas be slammed into a wall you fucked up demented beast you're sick#actually can't believe i forgot to mention this but he's literally so immature idk what he has anything in common with actual mature people
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#well I just submitted my essay for my history class so I'm finally done with finals#I wish I felt happier or relieved or something but I don't. I feel awful. my body hurts from the incredible amount of tension/anxiety I had#trying to finish it before 11:59. I submitted it at 11:55. I have never come that close before and I hate it#the amount of anxiety I had you'd think the deadline was hunting me for sport#and what's worse is I felt all this anxiety and put all this work into it and I'm not even happy about it#I spent two days trying to figure out what he wanted us to write about because apparently he just seems to be really bad at instructions#like I thought maybe it was just me overthinking but I spent two hours talking to my mom about it and in the end even she couldn't figure i#so then I had only two days to gather notes make an outline write an essay. while burnt out and barely able to focus.#and while not knowing exactly what I was doing like is this what he wants. is it not. who knows I literally don't have time left#to figure it out I just need to write something and hope it works#but I hate being unsure it makes everything harder#especially because I really wanted to make a good grade. this was the class where I made a 78 on my midterm#which brought my class grade to a B but I'd been able to get it back to an A and I'd be able to keep it if I got like an 80ish on the final#the essay turned out okay idk if it's what he wanted but whatever at least I got the other requirements like word count and sources#but the CITATIONS...we had to use chicago which I'd never used before and let me just say. mla is the love of my life after this.#actually chicago might not be that bad if I got used to it I think my violence should be directed toward every word processor#that links footnotes. it is so STUPID that there isn't an easier way to make them different#if it hadn't been for trying to figure out footnotes on google docs I could've submitted it like ten minutes earlier#and with phenomenally less stress#I eventually had to make a choice as to what I'd give up: (1) submitting it on time (2) perfect citations or (3) word doc#which is what he wanted it submitted as#except when I tried that thank goodness I looked at the preview before I submitted it because I saw that it'd messed up the citations#I ended up submitting it as a pdf. on time. with perfect (maybe) (I didn't have time to double check) citations. but not as a word doc.#is it the end of the world? idk probably not but not meeting a professor's requirements is like. anathema.#all of that is to say that I'm going to cry and then let it go and get to bed and just. idk. I've reached that point where#I'm so tired and numb that it feels like I'll never feel better#anyway#maybe I hurt because of my meds and the side effects decided to kick in now because the grace of God held them back long enough#for me to finish#earl crow ramblings
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you don't get how crazy i'm going over this
#like....LIKE?????#not even talking about the lisbon of it all (we have to though these things are intrinsically connected but we're holding off for now)#i'm so....proud? of this little fictional man?#was the setup a little silly? maybe (but i loved every SECOND of it i can't BELIEVE i actually got a big blowout and a lowest point-#realization AND a rush to the airport confession that's SO)#this payoff was so SO worth it for me#and honestly i don't think the setup was even THAT silly -- what did lisbon say in 4.24? he had to hit rock bottom and know it or something#that's this. hurting her like this is his rock bottom (see you can't ignore the lisbon of it all - which i LOVE)#even with all the crazy shitty things he's done up until now; especially to HER; it was to get red john; he had that to fall back on#(not that he really saw it as a fallback but it gave him something else to focus on/something to justify his methods)#but after red john (episode not person) he doesn't have that anymore and he's been floundering ESPECIALLY when it comes to her#this wasn't a con (*not an official con) this was him doing something shitty and her finally having had enough#and him realizing just how right she's been; she was right on the first plane this season and she was right at the blue bird#and he's finally able to admit to himself just how much of a shit he's been...and then he's able to admit a lot of other things too#that little bit of honestly led to so much more and it let him FINALLY say out loud what they both knew (as much as they ignored it#or talked around it or pushed it down) and it let him say it without pretenses or expectations; just because#he 'needed to get to this' and she 'deserved to hear it' and i'm usually kind of meh on 'i needed to say it/you needed to hear it'#but this one; this one i GET#and i'm not explaining myself well at all i'm delirious but the point is this is SO well done and it feels DESERVED for me i love it#tm
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Hmm tomorrow will be a tad awkward....
#it's [redacted]'s birthday so that means I'll probably try to visit her#should write a letter to burn#so it'll reach her#ashes to ashes and all that#but it's like an hour away with the bus is the problem so if I try to get there I'll probably not manage to do much else that day#and I might need the time to study for an exam because starting one day before the thing is a RISKY move#especially in politics class where you probably need like. understanding of constitutions and stuff#it really depends on if I catch a bus there and on if I can catch one back#it's weird really i didn't know you could feel the presence of an absence#we aren't even that close I'm not sure if I'm allowed to act like this#it's just really weird to think about that if things had gone differently we probably would've been a lot closer by now#because I hang out with her close friend group#it's always a bit strange when they start reminiscing and I sit there nodding not really able to contribute a lot#we had that one time we went to the store in at like seven in the evening just the three of us and#i decided to play on the swing of the local playground which was on the way there#and she used to call me a shitty utilitarian I'm also counting that one because there's not much else really. some offhanded conversations#in class and on school trips too#it's weird that she left because I'm not sure if I'm allowed to grieve that or not#we weren't close but we were good i don't know if we were on the line of a friendish something but it feels a little like it#if she had stayed we would've been a lot closer now and I just have that running through my head like a broken record whenever she comes up#not close close#but good with each other#by associations you know?#not that it matters much now anyways whats done was done and there's no going back#thats what happens when you spiral and make a really really bad decision and have success with it and now everyone around you gets to#idk. nobody really gets ti anything. the show went on the world is still moving just the same it's just different sometimes now#haunts the narrative like a ghost fr it's insane at some point it comes up#it was back in April and it still regularly come up in some conversations#wild#personal
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me and my cousin were talking about how my cousin that's always pissing me off has been getting progressively more cruel in her interactions with me and she asked "am i ever like that" and while she was asking for herself that is kind of a pivotal question for me as well. because no. in no world is that the case. and as i was thinking about that it occurred to me that actually no one is being quite as foul in their interactions with me as that one cousin is and i haven't really been treated like this in many years. it's kind of crazy actually. i've been thinking i was crazy. but no. this is a crazy situation and it's time to exit it.
#i promise you it's something to do with my mom's death#like something unresolved that she can't bring up. either dissatisfaction with herself or me. so she's mad at me bc she can't handle it.#or maybe she just genuinely dislikes me and has gotten to know me better since my mom died#idk she definitely views me as a burden. bc she's been telling me she'll be there for me no matter what then letting me down every time#which i've seen in similar interactions she's had with other people that that translates to 'why are they always turning to me for help 🙄'#and she's definitely exasperated when i 'cause problems' like being allergic to a dish or needing to leave to deal with pet stuff#at this point i'm happy to say i don't care anymore. i doubt she'll ever be able to acknowledge she's treating me badly at all#so god knows i'll never know why#but i don't need to#at this point i'll just be happy to no longer be thinking i owe her anything :))) because i really really don't :))))#she's offered me a billion things. delivered on a couple. and demanded so much. usually by backing me into a place where i have to say yes.#the favours i've done for her this year alone#while she's been shit-talking me one room over#are too fucking numerous#i'm just a resource to her#and a person she can get some frustration out on#but not anymore!!#adam yaps
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.
#My friend said something to me a while ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it#In the moment I snorted on the inside#And now I could laugh out loud about it#So. They were in a long-term relationship that had issues and ended last year#She met someone right after and were friendly and whatnot and a few months later were dating them already#Which... Great. They seem way happier and I'm genuinely happy for them (although in my selfish aromantic way)#And so she was commenting the other way that they'd been talking about how they jumped into the relationship so fast#Even after both of them had been in long ones before blah blah#And my friend told me 'but you know I think it's fine. I told them that it felt good and why wouldn't we do this if it felt good...#Even IF SOCIETY IS TELLING ME NOT TO JUMP INTO IT TOO FAST we shouldn't care about it and just go for it'#And I swear I internalized that shit friends. Hajshajshja.#What the fuck do you mean society is telling you not be in a relationship? Hasjhahss. Who is this society?#Literally. You can do whatever you want that makes you feel good but don't tell me you were feeling pressured by society hajsha.#In a sense I DO GET IT because some people might be 'wait weren't you with someone else a few months ago' sure.#But like. Literally. Lhahsahs. Sorry. I just needed to write it down somewhere because my brain couldn't let it go.#Especially me. An aromantic in a literal amatonormative society.#Anyway... 🙃#(This friend does get a bit defensive when I want to talk about how most people prioritize romantic relationships over friendships and stuff#I tried once and it felt very frustrating because they were like 'well but they're different' and I was like 'yes but my point is that#romantic relationships always end up as top priority' and I could just see they didn't agree because they have lots of friends but yeah#my dude we get relegated when you're with someone romantically. Anyway. They'll never get it. It's fine. I'm used to it)
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How to make your writing sound less stiff
Just a few suggestions. You shouldn’t have to compromise your writing style and voice with any of these, and some situations and scenes might demand some stiff or jerky writing to better convey emotion and immersion. I am not the first to come up with these, just circulating them again.
1. Vary sentence structure.
This is an example paragraph. You might see this generated from AI. I can’t help but read this in a robotic voice. It’s very flat and undynamic. No matter what the words are, it will be boring. It’s boring because you don’t think in stiff sentences. Comedians don’t tell jokes in stiff sentences. We don’t tell campfire stories in stiff sentences. These often lack flow between points, too.
So funnily enough, I had to sit through 87k words of a “romance” written just like this. It was stiff, janky, and very unpoetic. Which is fine, the author didn’t tell me it was erotica. It just felt like an old lady narrator, like Old Rose from Titanic telling the audience decades after the fact instead of living it right in the moment. It was in first person pov, too, which just made it worse. To be able to write something so explicit and yet so un-titillating was a talent. Like, beginner fanfic smut writers at least do it with enthusiasm.
2. Vary dialogue tag placement
You got three options, pre-, mid-, and post-tags.
Leader said, “this is a pre-dialogue tag.”
“This,” Lancer said, “is a mid-dialogue tag.”
“This is a post-dialogue tag,” Heart said.
Pre and Post have about the same effect but mid-tags do a lot of heavy lifting.
They help break up long paragraphs of dialogue that are jank to look at
They give you pauses for ~dramatic effect~
They prompt you to provide some other action, introspection, or scene descriptor with the tag. *don't forget that if you're continuing the sentence as if the tag wasn't there, not to capitalize the first word after the tag. Capitalize if the tag breaks up two complete sentences, not if it interrupts a single sentence.
It also looks better along the lefthand margin when you don’t start every paragraph with either the same character name, the same pronouns, or the same ��� as it reads more natural and organic.
3. When the scene demands, get dynamic
General rule of thumb is that action scenes demand quick exchanges, short paragraphs, and very lean descriptors. Action scenes are where you put your juicy verbs to use and cut as many adverbs as you can. But regardless of if you’re in first person, second person, or third person limited, you can let the mood of the narrator bleed out into their narration.
Like, in horror, you can use a lot of onomatopoeia.
Drip Drip Drip
Or let the narration become jerky and unfocused and less strict in punctuation and maybe even a couple run-on sentences as your character struggles to think or catch their breath and is getting very overwhelmed.
You can toss out some grammar rules, too and get more poetic.
Warm breath tickles the back of her neck. It rattles, a quiet, soggy, rasp. She shivers. If she doesn’t look, it’s not there. If she doesn’t look, it’s not there. Sweat beads at her temple. Her heart thunders in her chest. Ba-bump-ba-bump-ba-bump-ba- It moves on, leaving a void of cold behind. She uncurls her fists, fingers achy and palms stinging from her nails. It’s gone.
4. Remember to balance dialogue, monologue, introspection, action, and descriptors.
The amount of times I have been faced with giant blocks of dialogue with zero tags, zero emotions, just speech on a page like they’re notecards to be read on a stage is higher than I expected. Don’t forget that though you may know exactly how your dialogue sounds in your head, your readers don’t. They need dialogue tags to pick up on things like tone, specifically for sarcasm and sincerity, whether a character is joking or hurt or happy.
If you’ve written a block of text (usually exposition or backstory stuff) that’s longer than 50 words, figure out a way to trim it. No matter what, break it up into multiple sections and fill in those breaks with important narrative that reflects the narrator’s feelings on what they’re saying and whoever they’re speaking to’s reaction to the words being said. Otherwise it’s meaningless.
—
Hope this helps anyone struggling! Now get writing.
#writing#writing advice#writing resources#writing a book#writing tools#writing tips#writeblr#for beginners#refresher#sentence structure#book formatting
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copycat | oscar piastri social media au
pairing: oscar piastri x fem reader
they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but really it's just annoying
MASTERLIST | TIP JAR
note: sorry to all of the chloes of the world, i just chose a random name!
f1tea
liked by user1, user2 and 27,305 others
tagged: yourusername, chloereed
f1tea: SHE STRIKES AGAIN! y/n y/ln, oscar piastri's girlfriend, recently changed up her style with some bangs and surprise, surprise chloe reed shared her updated look just days later. then to really pour salt in the wound, reed posted yet again in mclaren merch. will she ever give up?
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user3: BRO YOU COULDN'T HAVE WAITED AT LEAST A WEEK?
user4: i think all subtlety was lost when she copied a literal TATTOO
user5: the way it's y/n's tattoo dedicated to oscar as well...
user6: at what point do we get a restraining order?
user7: the day that girl ends up in the paddock we should let y/n fight her with no consequences
user8: this has been going on for so long i feel like y/n has a lot to unleash on her
user9: at this point i think all of us y/n fans should be able to get their lick in
user10: i'm new to f1 can someone explain this lore to me? (srs)
user11: y/n and oscar have been together for nearly four years now, they got together when they were like 19. this chloe reed girl went on one date with oscar when they were 17 and now copies everything y/n does to try and get his attention? like down to haircut and tattoos ... it's kinda crazy and y/n has made some references to it but like we're nearing like the third year of this so i think she might snap soon
user12: it's even got to the point where chloe has like started talking with y/n's accent? she has a very obvious accent so like it's INSANE
user13: and to think all of this over a single date SIX YEARS AGO
user14: on a brighter note - y/n was MADE for bangs they look so fucking good
user15: obviously she should stop but if there's anyone you want to look like, it would be y/n
user16: at this point is it even over oscar anymore? or has chloe lost herself to journey to BECOME y/n
user17: the fact that she still camps out under all of oscar's posts and constantly posts in mclaren merch
user18: and don't even get me started with how she's always in the comments of oscar's sisters' comments
user19: someone needs to get nicole to put this girl on blast
user20: remember before elon took away public likes that mark went on a liking spree about chloe being a lil weirdo
yourusername
liked by danielricciardo, logansargeant and 1,209,566 others
tagged: oscarpiastri, landonorris & maxfewtrell
yourusername: summer breakin' with my boy (and his boy)
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user24: MAMA THERE'S A BITCH TRYNA BE JUST LIKE YOU 💜
user25: i unfortunately think she's very aware of it
oscarpiastri: i know you love me because you didn't get annoyed about THEM gatecrashing our couples getaway
landonorris: what if we are a couple HUH???
oscarpiastri: max literally has a girlfriend?
landonorris: ur so close-minded osc
yourusername: i love you osc even with these little stray cats you've picked up
landonorris: did we or did we not organise a super romantic dinner for you?
oscarpiastri: i organised a dinner and you two are so fussy that you left to find some chicken nuggets?
landonorris: therefore giving you a romantic evening on the water?
yourusername: you fell in the water trying to get back on board from the tender and i had to jump in and save you after a fish touched your foot and you began to have a panic attack
landonorris: god you do something nice for people and all you get is SHAMED
mclarenf1: you nearly drowned ???
user26: is chloe going to attempt to drown someone so she can claim she also saved an f1 driver
user27: @georgerussell63 alert the GDPA - NO WATER !!!
georgerussell63: understood 🫡
user28: has it not gotten to a crazy point now that we're warning drivers that this crazy girl might DROWN them ???
user29: at what point do we put oscar and y/n is witness protection
user30: the day she manages to get in the paddock me thinks
charles_leclerc: i see our invite got lost in the mail?
yourusername: please refer to whatever the fuck was going above your comment
charles_leclerc: that you're a victim of identity theft?
yourusername: we been known, but BEFORE THAT
charles_leclerc: oh. you should've let lando drown
landonorris: ???
oscarpiastri: i think that might have gotten me fired?
yourusername: no more papaya rules?
chloereed
liked by user31, user32 and 11,045 others
chloereed: summer breakin'
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user33: oh brother this guy STINKS
user34: i am feeling sufficiently creeped out on the behalf of y/n and oscar
user35: i really don't understand her game here though? does she expect oscar to see this and actually mistake her for y/n and leave y/n for her?
user36: at this point i think she's lost in the sauce
user37: also oscar is hilariously down bad for y/n like he could probably recognise her via vibrational field he would not fall for this cheap imitation
logansargeant: this ain't it btw (it's never been it)
user38: not logan tapping in
logansargeant: who gon check me boo? i ain't got a job
chloereed: i don't know what you're trying to say, but i don't appreciate you spreading misinformation and hate
logansargeant: you have literally copied everything about my best friend down to her sentimental tattoos and you've essentially stalked my other bestfriend for nearly seven years ?
chloereed: it's not stalking if i know i'm what he really wants? she's the imitation of me
logansargeant: you like need help
user39: GO LOGAN
user40: bro has been let of the leash
user41: tbf when you think about it, logan has been friends with oscar for years and by default friends with y/n for just as long so like he's probably seen how this has effected them personally
user42: i don't really see how this is such a big deal, people try and imitate celebs all the time ?
user43: i think it's because she knows at least one of them personally and is very viciously pursuing oscar
user44: also there has to be an aspect we don't know because i don't think logan would be publicly taking her on in the comments if it weren't a lot worse
user45: also ... like it probably feels like shit as a person generally to have everything you do copied and not even get a tiny bit of credit
f1
liked by danielricciardo, patooward and 1,784,039 others
tagged: charles_leclerc, maxverstappen1 & oscarpiastri
f1: we're ready for you monza
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user46: OMG IS THAT?
user47: i'm being so for real y/n needs to fight her
user48: OSCAR RUNNNNNNNNN
landonorris: do i need to inform the legal department?
yourusername: you might want to give them some sort of heads up
chloereed: why you afraid i'll steal back my man?
yourusername: no i'm afraid i'll get hit with a manslaughter charge
chloereed: that's a threat - my lawyers will be hearing
yourusername: tell them bitch, oscar would still choose conjugal visits with me over ever being with you
user49: came for the fast cars, staying for whatever this drama is omg
user50: i once went on a reddit deep dive about this drama where they compiled all the evidence and holy moly this confrontation has been a long time coming
user51: the best (or maybe worse) thing abotu all of this is that her claim of being with oscar first and dating him when they were 17 is based on one 'date' where is was just a joint ball between their schools where there was a compulsory dance in which they were partners
maxverstappen1: yo this shit is insane
user52: aren't you meant to be in the car in 20 minutes?
maxverstappen1: drama waits for no one @yourusername i got ur back
charles_leclerc: at this point i will mobilise the tifosi @yourusername
yourusername: i can handle her, i might just need some money to fix my nails
oscarpiastri: please do not fight her, she's not worth it
chloereed: she won't fight for your love but i will
oscarpiastri: can you just fuck off
user53: i fear she's pushed them over the edge now lol
user54: i'm glad they're both letting her have it in the PUBLIC INSTAGRAM COMMENTS <3
f1tea
liked by user55, user56 and 34,982 others
f1tea: she's finally done it? chloe reed was spotted in the paddock at monza. will we finally see a confrontation between the two girls?
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user55: i FUCKING hope so
user56: if i were y/n you'd have to hold me back i'm being so serious
user57: i'd be in oscar's mclaren so fast and be driving down the pit lane to look for her
user58: i'd already be in an italian prison sorry not sorry
user59: y/n needs to give me lessons on being this graceful
user60: at this point we should just have an undercard for the race that's these girls tussling it out
user61: at this point i think logan, charles and max are ready to jump in
user62: charles and max being in the comments just before FP getting the scoop is so insane i love them
user63: imagine getting these f1 drivers this pressed over an aesthetic
user64: if you think this is just about an aesthetic you're just being dumb on purpose
user65: but like y/n is just a girl with bangs and a basic look, u could say like half of the female population are copying y/n
user66: but like please look at the actual evidence, it's way deeper than bangs babe
user67: also the TATTOO WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TATTOO
user68: whatever happens y/n will always be better than me
user69: she needs to bash her publicly if she won't beat her physically lol
oscarpiastri
liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername and 3,984,022 others
tagged: yourusername
oscarpiastri: please leave us alone, you'll never be her and i don't want you to be
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user71: STUNT ON THEM QUEEN
user72: a man who vocally defends you >>>
yourusername: love you bby
oscarpiastri: if anyone wants to take me away from you they'll have to defeat me in combat
yourusername: not saying i want that but you would be so sexy in full armour
oscarpiastri: for you... i would wear anything :3
user73: bro said his piece and immediately went back to simping like a pro
user74: if he doesn't offer to wear a suit of armour in the bedroom is he really in love with you?
user75: i guess we're not getting any dad!oscar content any time soon
landonorris: ???
user75: it's a joke about protected sex genius
landonorris: OH
chloereed: that's not what you said then oscar
oscarpiastri: THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO IN A CONVERSATION I WAS OBLIGATED TO HAVE GET A GRIP WOMAN
oscarpiastri: YOU WILL NEVER FEEL SATISFACTION IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU CONTINUE TO COPY EVERYTHING SHE DOES AND REFUSE TO BE YOUR OWN PERSON
oscarpiastri: so PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN SAKE GET YOUR OWN LIFE AND LEAVE US ALONE
oscarpiastri: oh. i'm blocked
oscarpiastri: slay
user76: so ... oscar... when can we get this level of reading on the radio
yourusername: don't make him do community service :(
user77: but him being sassy is a service to the community
yourusername: you make a good point
yourusername
liked by maxverstappen1, charles_leclerc and 2,045,677 others
tagged: oscarpiastri
yourusername: you can be a copy cat all you like, but you'll never beat the original
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user78: i am sorry i exist at the same time as you
user79: i know this a whole love post but i have a confession, i am IN LOVE WITH YOU GET RID OF THE AUSSIE
oscarpiastri: 🤨
charles_leclerc: this was a whole saga, i'm happy it's all worked out for you guys but this was hella entertaining - when can we do it again?
yourusername: never again hopefully
charles_leclerc: boring!
yourusername: it literally got to the point that you offered to leave your car keys in a 'special spot'
charles_leclerc: well obviously i don't mean to THAT extent but i just want a bit of drama, let a girl live
user80: shit stirrer charles leclerc i love you
user81: we should've known he was in the trenches with this, the inchident knows no bounds
oscarpiastri: i love you and i'm sorry this happened. but you do slay so i could see why people would want to be you
yourusername: i knew me with bangs would be too powerful 😔
oscarpiastri: you're the most beautiful girl in the world no matter what
yourusername: ugh you have me blushing pretty boy
landonorris: cringe
yourusername: maybe if you copied oscar's flirting techniques you'd actually be wifed
landonorris: i thought we just established that copying is bad
yourusername: trust me, you need the help
user82: i'm glad we've returned to peace with the lando slander
user83: they're power is insane
maxverstappen1: can i say helping you come up with this caption is my community service
yourusername: fuck yes
maxverstappen1: stunting on hoes is very much in the public interest
fin.
note: i'm back in a rhythm !! this is not so subtle so i'll expand here: please please please do not steal my work, idc if you change the driver, if you're blatantly stealing my ideas and concepts - to the point that people are messaging me to make me aware, please don't! or at least credit me rather than pretending this a completely original thought. mamma mia didn't bother me as much because it's obviously the musical's idea, but omg undercover verstappen? big reputation? and guilty as sin - down to the series name? i haven't made any posts about this but know it's very much bothering me and if i see anymore i may have to put it on blast. thank you all for reading, soz for the rant but this has been going on for months.
#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#f1 instagram au#f1 x you#f1#f1 social media au#oscar piastri instagram au#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri x you#oscar piastri#oscar piastri imagine#oscar piastri social media au
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Feeling. Weird...
#Sel talks#How to know when you're striking the right balance? How much trust you should you give to other people to know what that balance should be?#Especially if you can't recognize it yourself?#At what point am I sacrificing too much of my happiness for my safety or comfort?#He can try as much as he wants but it will still hurt me in the end#How full of himself can he be to say he doesn't know why we're pushing him away; recognize that there's something queer going on#And he's still talking about girls having dicks#Did it hurt when I told her I was holding on to the relationship for her sake? Because she seems to think it's a good idea?#Does she recognize that saying she had it worse/ I could have it worse doesn't help?#Why is she trying so hard to keep us as a family? I never asked that of her. She knows why we're distancing from our dad. Why?#Because she had it worse but is still in contact with her own dad? Why does she think that translates at all?#I have moral dilemma of taking money from my dad when 1) I don't like him and would rather not return the favor 2) our previous spat made i#Seem like he thought I was staying for the money 3) he keeps offering to pay for things#I want to say I can't recognize anything around me; but I know a part of that is sleapee and the other is not having the energy to go out#And be around people#But it's all too much; knowing people would rather me dead than to live happily; feeling like I'm powerless to stop the suffering of others#And I know a part of that is not being able to find people like me; lacking a community or otherwise friend group#Just. Feeling lost in my day to day. Not being able to really connect with anyone. And the one person I pay to drag that stuff out of me ma#not be the person I need#Feeling. Alone; disconnected; powerless; adrift; complacent; unable to grow; ect#Maybe I should get out tomorrow
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