#I don't know what kind of weird self-torture relationship this is but oh well

[sarroora]

I've thought of another writing question for you: Have you ever thought about like writing/publishing like alternate endings or 'bad endings' for your fics?

Because I'm sitting here thinking about my fics and there's plenty of alternate endings for Orange Kitten and there's definitely a bad ending for Stressors that I really just wanna make a very short maybe page long oneshot for y'know

HMNMNM that's a very good question - I'd say if you have the energy and time to do that, do it! But I'd advise against it being added to your main story structure. I've seen some authors add the alternate endings as special chapters on AO3 and FFnet but I'm not into it personally - it pulls me out of the immersion, but that’s just a me thing. Which is why I don't do it in my stories at all.

I recently began the habit of recording my laptop screen as a way of documenting some of my writing. I don't know what I'll do with these videos lol but hey, they'll just sit on my laptop for now. This ain't a super accurate documentation tho, because I write big chunks of my stories on my phone, and I don't record that.

Maybe those videos will serve as a look into older drafts and alternate endings someday? But knowing how I am, I'll probably not want to share most of them because I'm very critical of my own work. My internal critic's voice sounds fr like Gordon Ramsay and that's not a good thing.

Left is literally how I talk to other artists/writers, right is how I talk to myself:

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Just did a rewatch of OFMD S2 Eps 6/7 and: (Yes, it DEFINITELY got better)

*All pacing issues and some cast being in scenes when others aren't is the fault of the studios being cheap and not the writers/creators. :) Flying the cast to New Zealand + housing them for filming meant some crew just couldn't be there (Fang, Roach, Olu) or mostly written out (Buttons, Swede).

The reason this season feels *weird* is just that. It is not the fault of the actors or any of the workers in New Zealand who got jobs because they were the cheaper, nonunion, option.

I was mainly mad due to some pacing things that, after I thought about it, I don't think *I* was ready for them to make jokes about, if that makes sense. Izzy is such a personal character for me that some of the stuff they joke about just...hits.

*While the show kind of blowing off Izzy's repressed feelings for Ed did originally piss me off (the 'jealous' comment from Ed in ep 7 especially), reframing the scenes as Izzy letting himself mourn this and seeing how easily he lets Ed go does make me happy. He will love Ed. That's just a fact. But he is not his relationship with Ed he is defined by what he does with it. Yes, they can joke about it. Izzy has probably defined their relationship as something that just can't happen. Either by thinking Ed could never love him or that Ed never cared. Izzy knew Ed's attention was always fleeting and MAYBE that's some BS way we can say eps 5, 6, and 7 happened within a few days of each other. Because...if Izzy is just repressing everything again. I swear. This show will not give me the polycule I want.

*Stede and Izzy work so fucking well as friends. Like. Izzy knows how Stede will use the bar as validation and is READY to fight for him. Stede knows Izzy will stand to fight with him. The way Izzy looks so DONE when Stede starts to fight? Izzy just lost Ed god damn it. That, and the thigh grab will be in my head forever... stizzy fans also win.

*Imagine having sex with the only person you've ever loved and they ditch the next day. Add that to Stede's own insecurities and it's like the writers had a checklist on how to break Stede Bonnet.

*Ed is leaving a manic period (started maybe ep 2), and entering a depressive period in episode 6 where he remembers 'oh yeah, I fucking hate pirating'.

*Both Stede and Ed want very different things in life and this conflict was always going to happen. But at the begining of ep 6 we see Ed replaying the abuse he's caused/experienced. He's mentally framing himself as a hazard. Stede enjoys the life Ed is desperately running from. This is why Izzy is so quick to grab Stede I think. To help him understand that Ed is just...a complicated man.

*Izzy was right about Ed needing to give Stede some time to sit with the death of Ned Low. Ed barging in allowed Stede to put his negative feelings into something positive, not fully allowing him to process his actions. Ed then uses their first time as an excuse to run away.

*Izzy is hot in both episodes :) End note. But for me, the reason the Drag scene felt weird on first watch is just that I can't read half the cast's face soemtimes. Its a me thing. On this rewatch I noticed them cheering and generally being more supportive, lol.

*I wish we got to see Izzy putting the drag makeup on. Even just a line of concealer. Putting on the character he'd embody for the night. Drag is such a practice of self realizion and community. I wish we got to see Izzy staring at himself, applying the mark on his face that he clearly loves so much.

*The concept of Ned Low- A vicious torture-focused pirate, sadly was handled like a minor inconvenience, and... while I like the masochism joke from Izzy, and the implications for Stede's arc, he felt weird and out of place. Like. Instead of tying Low's bad management to something like the Navy, why not the Kraken? The stuff was there for it. Show how shitty working on a ship that prioritizes violence is, and mirror it with Ed's growth.

*I love the ship design for Ep 6 so much.

*The Ed&Izzy apology still bugs me but I have hope Izzy and Ed will talk it out a bit more after talks with some of the lovelies online

*I love the crew but acknowledge that this season has shafted a lot of stories. Clearly, the writers did what they could.

*Izzy's 'love interest' this season is clearly just the 'community/self' and finding comfort in humanity again...its so GOOD.

*Izzy casually making sex jokes is so weird. Like a coworker you've known for a few years that finally starts talking shit with you on the job. It feels weird to me now, but I also write him like this? So it's a lot of wires crossing in my mind. Like...he FUCKS!

*Same with Izzy smiling. It feels wrong in the best way. Again, I wish we had ONE MORE episode of Izzy being in the middle of healing, but this more self-realized Izzy is lovely to watch.

*They changed the gender of the song Izzy sings so he's singing about a man. I will not be normal about this.

*I'm so happy I caught Izzy's hand being that FUCKING HIGH on Stede's inner leg first watch. It's changed me. Izzy really said 'When the dogs are away the cats are out to play' and POUNCED.

*I didn't catch Izzy pointedly calling Stede captain until I saw it online and now I love it. Stede adopted the stray cat and god damn he'll stay loyal until the day he dies.

*Spoilers for the teaser: If the series Ends and Izzy is in solitary confinement/Izzy is locked away from the others I will scream

*"Hiya, Boys" I LOVE HIM. Izzy confidently grinning and being a prick is my favorite.

*izzy loving Ed enough to let him go is just....so tragic and good. Especially since we know Ed just tried to hold izzy closer in s1

[frogizz]

The Untamed Mind Dump (Spoilers duh)

(I have yet to read the novel for MDZS, and I am on Episode 47 of The Untamed so I want to do another mind dump like last time)

Jin Guangyao, I've been suspicious of him ever since I saw that face of his (I am not calling the actor ugly or anything like that, I can acknowledge its the acting that made him look suscpious not his actual face.) But I didn't excpect for him to be that sick of a human being.

Wei Wuxian being the scapegoat all over again

Damn these people love to gossip

I forgot about Wei Wuxian offering his Golden Core to Jiang Cheng

I miss Jiang Yanli bro

I also miss Wen Qing

At least I have Wen Ning, he is so awesome

I have the firm belief that while Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian are responsible for the death of Jin Zixuan, I know damn well Jiang Yanli's blood is not on Wei Wuxian's hands. Heck, I kind of think even though Wei Wuxian was the cause of Jin Zixuan's death, that that situation was obviously curated from the start, there was no intention to kill anyone that day because Wei Wuxian was doing this all in self defense. (Still sad that Jin Zixuan had to be a casualty).

I legit don't remember Su She before episode 45

The way I had to pause, sit up, stand up, walk around when that lady revealed Jin Guangyao tortured his father like that and what he did to Qin Su??? OH MY GOOOODDDDDDDD

Lan Wanji, you're the best supporter and best friend ever (I know in the novel he's Wei Wuxian's lover but in The Untamed their relationship is still amazing as best friends).

Wei Wuxian is such a great leader and protected those teens well (most of them are teens right? they all seemed kinda young)

I feel so bad for Jin Ling, all of his family's dirty laundry being aired out from both sides because his (defected) martial uncle is infamous for doing dirty tricks and is the supposed one who killed his parents, his maternal uncle being really hard on him, his paternal uncle being absolute scum and him doing things worse than what Wei Wuxian was ever accused for, and then to top it all off, he is constantly bullied.

To add to that, Jin Ling's outbursts are to be expected, he's just like his maternal uncle, really emotional. Jiang Cheng has had his outbursts of anger and aggressiveness (verbal and/or physical) and this could be the only way Jin Ling knows how to express himself.

At first I thought Jin Ling was an arrogant and stupid spoiled brat but I just want to hug this poor kid, the trauma of not having his parents and knowing that they died brutal deaths, the bullying, just everything. Just let him have a nice and warm blanket while snuggling with Fairy for once, please?

Speaking of Fairy, can people stop threatening the dog please? Like, they're such a good boy/girl (Netflix subtitles swapped them at somepoint from he to she and then it so I have no idea).

I WAS CRYING WHEN LAN SIZHUI STARTED TO REMEMBER HIS PAST AND THEN WEN NING WAS TRYING TO CATCH UP WITH HIM BRUH I WAS UGLY CRYING, SOBBING, THEY'RE FAMILY, THEY DESERVE TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER, THE LAST OF THE WEN FAMILY AAAA

I am such a sucker for reunited families, families with close bonds, found families, I don't know why, but it strikes me in the heart in such a painful and joyful way.

Zewu Jun, I always have mad respect for this man and I understand how he needs to make his own judgement and not only trust the words of others, I just can't blame him for that. But man was I afraid that he betrayed everyone by actually being 100% on Jin Guangyao's side knowing everything he did in episode 46, but he looked as confused and weirded out as ever so thankfully he isn't on his side anymore, I love this dude, I'm his biggest supporter.

I'll make each of these things their own post because I have so much more I want to say.

[poorsadorphanposting]

This is an RP blog for the DoL AU of my OCs Edin and Esmee Koizumi! Run by @degrees-of-fuck the thing the myth the absentee.

TW for weird quasi-incestuous bullshit in general as well as creepy and self destructive behaviour / TW parental pseudocest under the cut. TW morgan basically. It's not anywhere else so that one can be skipped over.

Pronouns:

Esmee: She/Her ||| Edin: He with people they don't trust, They with people they do. (They pref.)

Major canon character relationship under cut for useful info just in case, but any and all interactions are welcome!

Not necessary reading, but it's here and might inspire some interactions idk.

SYDNEY: Sydney and the twins were Sunday School Buddies growing up - and Sydney was, I think, the first person the twins felt comfortable actually talking to after being left in doltown. They're still friends now, but they've never been able to hang out as much as they'd like. I think Sydney is as concerned with Esmee's recent changes in demeanor as Edin is.

BAILEY: Oh, Bailey, Bailey, Bailey... Bailey's kinda all they have at this point lol. Thing-like-family wise anyway. Edin constantly clamors to keep Bailey in a good mood so they won't be hurt while they're spending most of their time at the orphanage. I think Bailey wants to fucking punt them. Esmee hates Bailey, but wants their Attention and proof that she Exists to them, in some way.

LEIGHTON: OH BOY. They both haaaaaate Leighton. Leighton was Esmee's first kiss and kind of kickstarted her downward spiral a bit. As petty revenge for how uncomfortable Leighton makes her, she has taken to acting like the two of them are a MARRIED COUPLE. And is extremely annoying with it. Edin naturally despises Leighton for all this, paired with the Sydney stuff, but is also too terrified of them to act out or say much. Sometimes, Edin goes to detention in Esmee's place on the sneaky. This doesn't go well for them. Also in game, the same instance where Leighton took her first kiss, Esmee somehow managed to make Leighton cum in their pants by doing? Nothing? I wasn't even trying to get the achievement it just happened. My theory is either magic cum spell, or Leighton enjoys the sound of her sobs so much they just climaxed on the spot.

WHITNEY: Whitney probably bullies Edin relentlessly, though not necessarily sexually. They're just a sad nerd that's fun to push around. This makes the whole wanting to bang their twin sister thing awkward. As for Whitney and Esmee, they get into fights a LOT. I think even when they're dating, it's a pretty deranged dynamic. (Not affectionless tho <3 I did make that comic where Whitney takes psychic damage over Esmee's Demented Torture Porn Only Fans lmao) They both suck so so much. ... OH YEAH thing that happened/happens in game that's fun to reference: Esmee lost her oral virginity ingame to transguy Whitney's Strap but already had S mouth skill somehow, so her very first time sucking dick, she made him cum so hard he CRIED. In front of Leighton. the game didn't acknowledge it but it described him as Sobbing. She also somehow manages to make them cum in their pants Constantly in game it's so so funny. Use this info how you will. ((Based on this, the Leighton thing + at LEAST one other insane incident, my friends and I have started joking abt her having a fucking Cum Spell))

AVERY: Avery initially went for Esmee (dances, flirts, lets him hit it) but then Esmee proceeded to be her irritating, scene causing, threat to humanity self, so they went for her clone instead. Edin probably isn't a favourite of Avery's since they stutter a lot and are terrified of sex, but they ARE cute, easily manipulated and have their funny little music thing. Now Esmee pops Avery's tires and films them and is generally making a special effort to ruin their life.

BRIAR: Edin doesn't know who Briar is or what Esmee's main job is. All they know is that she constantly comes back in the wee hours, exhausted and looking like a MESS. They hate this. Esmee works for Briar most nights when she's not off treasure-hunting. One of the few people she actually takes semi-seriously, I think. She's a good dancer, soaks up horrendous damage like nobody's business and loves attention, but thus far has been stubborn about keeping her technical virginity.

MORGAN: Um. Esmee uh. So after being abandoned by her parents, the whole 'being relentlessly pursued by a violent and possessive maniac that claims her to be their daughter and refuses to let her go' thing she encountered while in the sewers kind of. Scratched a certain itch in Esmee. Yeah.

KYLAR: LOL Esmee and Kylar are uh. Allies I guess. I wouldn't say friends necessarily, but allies. Esmee helps Kylar with the creepshots and the intel gathering and general wingmannery in exchange for various demented favours. Edin used to feel bad for Kylar and wanted to talk to them, but these days they have a petty grudge against them. Same obsessive crush :/)

[ultrvmonogamy]

just some bs drama venting i had to get off my chest that's not worth anyone else's time but this year has been so fucked on so many levels that i need to spew in some form or another n hey this is my blog so..

i am no longer finding compassion for the ppl who lied to, lied abt, and/or mischaracterized me to others n thereby interfered w or destroyed connections n relationships i had here.

whether due to ur own defense mechanisms or delusions or misguided senses of self-preservation, i wish u all the caricatured version of karma befitting the kind of people that actively work to slander n isolate someone who consistently strives to be good to others where reasonable, to treat others w integrity, to be authentic, to own his personal mistakes/misjudgments/missteps along the way, n to grow in the capacity to do so.

all of u r the worst kinds of hypocrites who i know firsthand have engaged in revolting shit ranging from catfishing to profiting off of racial fetishism while endlessly virtue signaling the opposite attitude to stealing content to repeatedly violating v clearly declared boundaries to retaliating for unrequited obsession and more. i wonder if, while u seem to revel in ur popularity here, some part of u feels empty inside knowing that the support n positivity u receive is not for u at all but rather is intended for a person who u only purport to be but r unwilling or unable to actually embody. i would like to say that i hope it tortures u w the kind of fire that serves to purify, but the truth is that rn i just fucking want it to burn.

one of u i thought was my friend. i sure as hell tried to be urs. i'm a fool for actually feeling deeply concerned for u n focusing on the good in u n wanting to encourage u in ur positive efforts. but to be fair u were struggling profoundly w depression, and u know damn well u made me feel like no one else believed in u. even after u confessed ur lie. i was taken aback by our most recent exchange, n for idk how many weeks after i'd been kicking myself for a far less self-aware younger me not handling that differently when the truth came out way back then. but now? now i'm just angry. how fucking dare u put me in that position n then come at me like i sought it out or asked for it? and how many others too? fucking hell, the things i won't even say bc of the legal ramifications of ur actions.. to u, i mean, not me. bc databases don't forget. how many lives did u put at risk? w YOUR actions. YOU did that. i have to wonder if perhaps u finally catching a glimpse of the weight of that made it all too much for u to own. or maybe it's some weird clout or relevance thing like when kids who grow up in cushy homes feel compelled to prove they're all hard n tough. i don't can't n won't know n shouldn't even bother to speculate. one of u i bought into ur bullshit until i saw ur true colors. n so then ur gonna slander me behind my back w some curated out of context messages or smth? fuck that. and fuck anyone who's gonna pretend they've never been mean when angry n disappointed in someone who's trying to pull the wool over their eyes. ur fucking gross gross gross gross gross. one of u i did all i could to be clear n soft w u bc ur fucking unhinged. but boy oh boy did u help me better understand what women r talking abt when they say they fear retaliation for rejecting guys, tho ofc this was me as a guy receiving it from a woman but it turns out it's plenty terrible enough even without the horrendous weight of societal misogyny behind it. whatever. ur a sad bully who can't handle rejection even when delivered w the utmost sensitivity. i doubt i'll ever see one of ur posts without feeling at least slightly nauseated, n i'm confident plenty of the ppl i know here who reblog them would feel the same way if they knew what a disingenuous, toxic, petty excuse for a sentient being u rly r.

moving on now. again. i can't think of anyone i'd rly want to have read this, but i'm posting it so i must want someone to read it ig. hi, i hope u didn't read this and r having a lovely day.

[sunshine-scented]

Okay this might sound weird but forbidden love trope with sun Wukong, macaque and redson, to be more specific maybe the readers family doesn't trust the monkey bois becuz of their past and for the redson maybe a family fued if you don't mind! Thanks~

Mhnn it's not weird at all ♡. It's adorable on how you think puhuhu~

❀ Got a secret, can you keep it? ❀

: Forbidden love life

: Sun wukong, Macaque, Red son x gn! Reader

: Fluff and a bit suggestive on Macaque's part, though, I don't think you'll mind~♡

Sun wukong

Your parents despise the monkey King with a burning passion

Even though he's know to be a heroic idol to many, that doesn't mean that he's a relatively good person

By that they mean that even if he's heroic, that doesn't change the fact that he's a childish mischievous trickster, completely irresponsible and just a nuisance

They don't want to tell you any stories about him for they fear that you'll idolize and be just like him

So imagine his shock when you confronted that you literally had no idea of him on one of your nightly dates

Utter silence, which was concerning cause this is WUKONG!

And then he won't stop babling about how amazing he is, like dude, stfu

Night dates were to be expected for the both of you

While he's disappointed that he can't show off that yes, you are dating the legendary monkey King: great sage equal to heaven

He doesn't want to lose you either

Never

So he'll gladly do so if it means that he could see you smile and laugh at his dumb jokes

However, that's only if you're living on the same house as your parents

If you have your own house, then it's like a normal relationship (although, I don't know how normal a relationship is with a monkey humanoid but go off)

Once your parents come visit you, he's banned for being near because you don't want the two of you to get caught

Which sucks cause he's literally clingy as hell

So when they finally leave for a TWO DAY STAY he cries and whines about how being away from you was, and u quote, "worse than living on a furnace for 9000 years"

"Oh? So you're saying that you'd like to revisit that memory?"

"I- WHEN DID I EVER SAY THAT???"

Six eared Macaque

To your parents, he's seen as a self centered and egotistical bastard who only wants to make people do the things he wants

But they aren't as worried like with Monkey King cause he's presumed dead

Though ever since that there's now word about how he's seen on the streets and defeated a shadow demon of some sort

Your parents are literally on high alert right now

When he knew about that he isn't really welcomed on your family, it kind of hurt a bit but he brushed it off literally right after

I mean come on, who needs those extras when he could have the main course ♡

And plus he could easily skidaddle into the shadows once necessary, plus, it's cute on how to try to lie your way out of your parents when they ask who you were talking too

Very smug about it as well and literally won't stop bringing it on topic when he gets the chance

Also likes to use this whole forbidden love thing as entertainment

When you're on family gatherings, you could feel a head lay on your lap below the table, and met with cheeky eyes staring right at you with a finger on his lips

It was fine until you start to feel hands all over your legs and soft purring vibrating through them

As much as you wanna coo on how touchy he was being for not seeing you in only 10 minutes, you had to stay still or your family will catch on

This continued on and was durable

Until he started to nibble all over you

Even so as to pulling your non dominant hand below the table and nibble on that as well, with little licks from here and there

This man was just begging for attention, and it was getting harder to compose yourself

When that whole, torturous, ordeal was over. You scolded him for almost getting you two caught

But then he just shut you up with a kiss and forced you down the bed to cuddle (what did you think he was gonna do? Kikiki)

Red son

Everyone knows of what the Demon Bull King's family did to the streets and almost tried to concur the world so it's no surprise their so hyper aware on them as well

Red's also a tad disappointed that he can't show off to your parents but that didn't matter, as long as you're there then he's happy

In a way, you guys have this Romeo and Juliet type of relationship

You sneak out to visit and go on dates with him, late night conversations and maybe just laying below a tree in each other's arms while he complains about how annoying his friends are

Turns out they were the ones who forced him to confess first and it's really made you laugh while his face blew up in red

He really likes to hold you in his arms in very calm and just moments where your presence is enough to still the whole world

Your parents often wonder why you keep staying up late and getting more exhausted by the morning, but you just excused on saying you're doing projects

Didn't really satisfy them that much cause you were just constantly on your phone smiling and often ushered them outside of the room when it was night time

But before they could even ask, you once again brushed the dirt under the carpet and led them outside of your room again

Letting out a sigh in relief, you excitedly turn to your phone and checked your messages

"How would you feel if we went to get some ice cream tonight?"

"That would be wonderful ♡"

Meanwhile, he's now grinning and immediately starts to walk towards your house, bouquet in hand

I apologize if this wasn't to your liking, some issues were present so I wasn't really in the mood for love :((

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Seven

Words: 4.5k

Warning(s): explicit language, sexual situations, drug abuse, violence

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NIKKI

"Nikki, what the hell are you doing?" Vivian asks me as we walk down the stairs of the law firm. 

"I've broken every fuckin' vow except 'till death do us part' and I'll be fucked to hell if we stuck it out and stayed with each other after the worst bullshit just to fucking divorce." I state and she stays quiet for a moment before I'm stumbling back when she halts and snatches away from me, glaring up at me. 

"What if I want a divorce?" She asks. 

"I'd tell you you're full of shit." I snap and she raises a brow and crosses her arms. 

"Then what the hell was the point of hounding me for a divorce just to do this?!" She barks at me. 

"To prove a point I guess, I don't fucking know." I admit. 

"To prove a point?! What point were you trying to prove?! That even when we're not together you still have the control in the relationship?!" She yells.

"I don't have any fucking control in this relationship, are you fucking me?! I haven't had any control since day fucking one, Vivian!" 

"Are you fucking serious?!" She screams at me, frustration all over her face. "You have always had control, Nikki, trust me, I know, I'm the one that had to lay down and take your bullshit and give up what I wanted to do just so you'd feel in control!"

"I told you to go to fucking New York to go to school, did I not? What the hell did you do? You stayed! You can't get pissed at me for not giving you what you supposedly think I promised you!" 

"No, Nikki, I'm not pissed at you for not giving me what you promised--I'm pissed because you've given me years of fucked up shit that was never supposed to even be a part of the plan!" She has tears in her eyes, her voice shaking…

She's right. I'm not going to tell her she's wrong…

I sigh and rub the back of my neck, exhaling, as she wipes her eyes. 

"...Look, me and the guys are going to a different rehab, and I'll actually stick with it, and I want to work this out." I tell her, honestly. "I just don't know how to come back from the shit we've done to each other, Viv, but if we can figure out how, then I wanna do it." 

She doesn't say anything, looking at me with her pretty green eyes, nodding slightly. 

I didn't realize that once we agreed to work on our marriage, that all hell would break loose in the midst of repairing the damage. 

Me and the guys, except Mick, were sent to another rehab because the first one was too obnoxious, and by the second one, we were actually getting somewhere with each other as a band and individually, including the people closest to us in our lives. For me, that was Vivian.

My leg can't stop shaking as I repeatedly tap my foot, waiting for my counselor to get in and meet Vivian for the first time.

I exhale and glance at her, her red hair curled, reaching just over her boobs, long legs taken up by black stockings that have lace trim mid-thigh, just peeking out from under her black dress, black heels tapping quietly on the floor, her dark red nails standing out against the cover of the shitty crossword she's flipping through. Her perfume has the whole little area she's in smelling good and her red lips rub together for a moment as she doesn't even notice me staring at her. 

It's a Saturday and I'm assuming she's going out with Sharise or something when she leaves here, or she dressed like this to torture me, knowing I haven't had sex in nearly two months, starting in Japan back in December, and my right hand is my best friend currently. 

My fucking balls hurt as she shifts her legs, uncrossing them to cross them the opposite, now. 

If it were up to me they'd be wide open and either around my hips or my head. 

I keep my hand pressed to my lips, resting my elbow on the arm of the chair, focused on her.

I slide down in my chair a little to try to see what kind of panties she's wearing--if she's wearing any at all. 

It wouldn't surprise me if she's not wearing any at all. Just to fuck with my head like she loves to do. 

"Take a picture and it'll last longer." She tells me flatly, not taking her eyes off the book. 

"I would if I had a camera." I don't even deny staring at her and she flicks her gaze to me. "Or a video camera. That'd be better." I add. 

"Ha. Ha." She sarcastically lets out and I smirk, watching her get up to grab her purse from the empty chair adjacent to me, leaning down to dig through it. 

It takes everything in my power not to get behind her, bend her over it, slide her panties to the side and start poun--

"We're here to start the process of fixing things between us and you're here only focused on sex." She states and I snap out of it. 

"No, I'm not." I argue, furrowing my brows. 

"Nikki, I know when you're picturing having sex with me." 

"I'm always picturing having sex with you." I state. "And you know exactly what you're doing." 

The faintest, smallest little grin comes to her lips as she goes to sit down again. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." She mumbles and I look at her. 

"You're cruel." I mumble and she rolls her eyes. 

"Oh, whatever." She replies. 

"You look hot." 

"Shut up." 

"We can be done in ten seconds." I say next and she goes red. 

"Stop, Nikki!" She scolds me.

"C'mon, Viv, we've never fucked on a desk before." I point out. 

"We've broken into Doc's office just to mess around on his desk, Nikki." She reminds me. 

"Well, we've never fucked on a therapist's desk, so c'mon, it'll be quick."

"I--" she starts laughing, not believing me, "--am not having sex in a rehab facility. I'm not that horny." 

"So you admit you are horny to some degree, though." I say and she rolls her eyes. 

"Shut up."

"Just flash me or something." 

"Nikki."

"Please?"

"You're so weird." She ignores my request while I'm pinching the bridge of my nose. 

"I'm in pain, Vivian." I say next, groaning, exaggerating. 

"Sounds like a personal problem." 

"Fuck." I lean my head back, rubbing my face. 

The door opens and my counselor comes in, smiling at us. 

"Sorry, I'm late." She says, stepping to Vivian, extending her hand. "I have heard lots about you, I'm Amber." 

"Vivian. It's nice to meet you." Vivian replies, smiling her shiny smile that should win her an Oscar because she wears it so well even when she's fucking miserable--I obviously know from experience. 

Amber sits behind her desk as Vivian sits back down in the chair, and she looks up from her paperwork at us, raising her brows. 

"If we're going to start this grueling process, I highly suggest you two get comfortable being within three feet of each other, again." She adds.

Me and Vivian exchange looks, before she sighs and stands up, walking to the little couch I'm sitting on, plopping down beside me. 

I smirk to myself, looking at her from the side of my eye. 

"Okay, let's just get to it, Vivian, I've gotten a brief history of your husband, and I feel as though I can sort of, kind of, pin point a thing or two that has lead to the point that you two are at currently, but I'd really like to learn a little bit about you because all that's portrayed publicly to all of us is he's this nitty gritty, abrasive rock God, and you're the angel that tamed him to settle down." She explains and Vivian scoffs, raising her brows. "I know it sounds ridiculous but that's what's given in magazines and pictures taken of you two." 

"Yeah." Vivian nods. 

"And I don't think that's true, I don't think everything is happy and sunshine and, 'oh, we're opposites but that's what we love about each other,' and blah, blah, or else neither of you would be here admitting your marriage is in shambles...so, becoming familiar with Nikki--sober--the way that I have the past week gives me a sense of who he really is without the drugs and the cameras and the fans and the girls, because in here he's only got himself. He doesn't have to upkeep the persona he puts on to make it seem like everything's perfect. And, although you aren't a patient here, I really want you to allow yourself to just be and differentiate between who you are to the public, and who you are privately, because--from what I've heard--they're two completely different people." She says next and Vivian nods. "So, who is Vivian Kinston and how did she get together with Nikki Sixx?" She offers a warm smile and Vivian exhales, already looking overwhelmed…"In three descriptions, who were you when you met Nikki?" 

"A very religious, ballet dancing, perfectionist." Vivian says and Amber nods. 

"Let's dissect that and break it down for a moment." She says next. "Okay, religious--was that on your own or passed through your family or…?"

"Both of my parents, but mainly my mom." She replies and Amber nods. 

"Okay, and what is mom like?" 

"Very strict Christian, we couldn't have anything secular in the house...I'm not sure what she's like now but when I last saw her she had the pastor I grew up with trying to exorcise a demon from me because she found out I was engaged to Nikki." She tells her and Amber's brows shoot up. 

"When was that?" 

"'82, '83, around that time." Vivian explains. 

"So you haven't seen mom in close to six years." 

"Yeah." 

"Okay...you were a ballet dancer when you met," she starts the next point. 

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"Since I can remember." Vivian informs her. 

"So, a strict Christian upbringing, and a very, very, intricate form of dance that requires a lot of discipline, since you were probably a toddler." 

"Yeah." 

"And is that where the perfectionism comes in, through your background with dance?"

"No." 

"No, okay."

"My mom and my upbringing." Vivian explains. "Anytime I did something my mom didn't like or approve of or thought other people would lose their minds over if they knew I was doing it, she'd get onto me and would constantly drill into my head, 'this is not what we do, Vivian'." 

"Wow." Amber nods, her brows slightly furrowed. "So, it doesn't come from a place of that physical drive to be perfect at most things you do, it comes from a mental and emotional drive of not wanting people to know what skeletons are in the closet that would make them think less of you." 

Vivian nods, taking a deep breath. 

"Okay, and do you think that sense of perfectionism from your mother has helped you or harmed you in the long run?" 

"Harmed." She's saying it nearly before Amber can get her words out of her mouth. 

"And why is that?" 

"Because I grew up with her holding me to a nearly unreachable standard, and hounding unrealistic expectations onto me." 

"And in turn…"

"...It's made me do the same to him." Vivian says and I stare at the floor. 

"What unrealistic expectations, or unreachable standard have you held him to?" 

"Not doing the things that he's done." She says next. 

"What things?" 

"Infidelity and drug and alcohol addiction." 

"Why is expecting your husband not to cheat on you or put drugs and alcohol before you an unrealistic expectation that is unattainable for him?" Amber asks next and I rub my lips together. 

"Because of who he is and what he does." Vivian says next and Amber raises her brows. 

"So you think because he's Nikki Sixx--big time rockstar--that it's not realistic to expect him to do what he is supposed to do as your husband which is stay faithful and not put substances before you?" 

"Yes." 

"Oh, I see." Amber looks at me and I sigh. "Was your relationship ever open or polygamous, during or prior to marriage?" 

"No." She shakes her head. 

"Was he addicted to anything when you got married?"

"He did drugs and drank but at that point in time he didn't have a heavy reliance on it, no."

"An unrealistic expectation would be you telling him he can sleep with other women but then you getting angry every time he did. That's setting an unrealistic expectation of, 'I'm giving you permission to indulge in sex with other women but I expect you not to,' or him being addicted to heroin when you got married and you expecting him to drop any addiction he has solely based on the fact that you two got married. That's an unrealistic expectation. Him being a famous rock musician has nothing to do with his ability, or lack thereof, to be monogamous and sober." She explains to Vivian. "So you wanting your husband to not have an affair and not get strung out was not an unrealistic expectation that you had in a moment of naivety." She assures her.

"Okay." Vivian sounds like she's been waiting to hear that for a while…

"And I believe the issues you two are facing the most from both Nikki, and yourself, have grown from the root of how you two think. I know we hear the saying, 'opposites attract,' but we don't think about how sometimes when people are too opposite it acts like hot and cold air when it mixes and if it's in a big enough whirl, or big enough of a spectrum, it creates a tornado or a hurricane." She says next. "Religion equals a sense of morality, your history with ballet equipped you with a fair amount of discipline, and that perfectionism that you spoke on is your way of caring so much about what others think of you, you sacrifice yourself and just smile to keep things looking amazing on the outside."

Vivian nods. 

"I asked him to describe you in three words, and he said, 'beautiful, depressed, belligerent'." She tells her and I slowly see tears coming to Vivian's eyes. "Nikki admitted to me that when he met you, he had no sense of morality, he was doing whatever he wanted, when he wanted, he had no discipline in terms of controlling himself around drugs and women, and he couldn't give less of a care about what people thought of him." She explains. "And that might even been fun and exciting when you were just starting out but once you're married and he's gotten all these eyes on him suddenly, there are expectations put on the both of you to be this couple who has everything, and you're both attractive, and he's the bad boy and you're the good girl and you just fell in love is the only explanation you have for making the relationship work to the point of wanting to get married and you have a great house and matching cars and all this and all that and you're in the press smiling and laughing and holding hands and hugging up on each other and oh, it's a wonderful life, but as soon as you get alone…" she trails off, looking at the both of us knowingly. "He's high, you're suffering, and both of you are living a hell. But nobody can know that because you're Nikki and Vivian Sixx. You two are perfect because he doesn't cheat on you like other rockstars do to their wives and girlfriends. He doesn't put drugs and alcohol before you like so many others do to their girlfriends and their wives. He doesn't turn into this monster you don't recognize and lash out like a dog at you after a night of sitting in his closet and shooting up, because he 'loves' you, and you don't have to keep quiet for years while it just keeps adding up and adding up until finally you beat on your husband and those around you over minuet instances because the big things you were probably justified to get that angry over were swept under the rug and were never dealt with for years--because that's not what you do." She ties it right back to Vivian's mother. 

A tear rolls down Vivian's cheek, neither of us expecting it to be this heavy just during her introduction to Viv. 

"If we don't stop that mentality, it's going to poison every relationship around you that it hasn't already and when you have children it's going to be a curse on them just like it's a curse on you." She tells her, as Viv sniffles, trying to keep up with wiping her tears away. "I've already been on him about his upbringing burdening him, so please don't think this is a personal attack on you."

Viv nods, mouthing, "okay."

"You two want to make this relationship better and be better for one another, we are going to have to tear down six years worth of walls and blockades and gut this entire thing completely and start again. It's not going to be easy, you're probably going to learn things about each other you've been hiding and maybe even amicably decide to divorce before it's all over with, but you are both going to heal and start the process of forgiveness. With yourselves, with your parents, with your friends, and with each other."

She gives the both of us some homework...

"I want you two to prepare to tell each other everything you've not told one another for next time we meet." Amber tells us and the color drains from Viv's face, I know for a fucking fact that I don't look much different from her.

"What?" Vivian asks her.

"If we're healing this relationship we need everything in the dark in the light so we aren't building on an old foundation of secrets." She states. Vivian just nods hesitantly before we're dismissed.

"Vivian." I stop her out in the hall before she can leave, grabbing gently at her wrist.

"Yeah?" She asks me. 

"I love you." I tell her and she looks at me, smiling a little. 

"I'll see you Wednesday." She replies, squeezing my hand before she walks away. 

What the hell? I tell her and I love her and she just fucking says, "I'll see you Wednesday'?" 

I watch as she goes down the hall, heels clicking, hair down her back…

Goddamn. 

This is definitely my payback for taking my time with her for granted, because now that I'm in my right mind and not ruining our marriage, she barely even looks at me. 

At least she was actually wanting to work things out, because after the Vanity bullshit, I thought we'd never make it out after the first time I saw her since it had happened.

July 1987

I brace myself against the bathroom wall as my whole body goes numb for a moment, my eyes rolling momentarily. 

"Sixx, c'mon, we gotta get goin', Viv's here!" Fred yells from behind the door, his fist beating at it. 

Fuck him. Fuck this tour. Fuck this band. Fuck everything right now. 

Viv's just got here from the airport, she flew back in earlier this morning and I've been hiding, completely avoiding her, but I can't anymore. 

The media's in a frenzy since Vanity aired all of our dirty laundry, only making Viv and I both on edge even more. 

We've been denying the shit out of Vanity's engagement claims, but I don't think people are buying it as much as we'd like to think they are. 

I take in a breath and stumble to the mirror, looking at myself. 

Not too bad for a low down, dirty, bastard. 

Opening the bathroom door to see where Fred's waiting for me, I glance past his shoulder to see Vivian.

She looks like she feels like hell, but has managed to pull herself together. 

Makes two of us--well, kind of, at least. 

"C'mon, the guys are already at the venue." 

Fred tells me. 

"Great." I smirk, patting his shoulder, stepping to Vivian. 

I don't think either of us are taking into consideration the amount of utter bullshitting we're about to have to do. 

I also don't expect the amount of paparazzi waiting for us right outside the hotel's doors.

As soon as the door opens, screaming, flashes, invasive questions come hurtling our way. It feels closterphobic enough to make Vivian grab my hand, tight, curling closer into me as if trying to hide away from prying cameras and questions about my alleged affair.

I feel her being tugged at once, and just as she says, "Nikki," I'm snatching my hand from hers to beat repeatedly, as hard as I can, at the forearm of the perpetrator, a media creep trying to get her attention. 

"Don't fucking touch her!" I bark out over the noise and he stumbles back, holding at his arm as I put my arm around her waist, tightly, getting to the car. 

When we get inside, Vivian's obviously distraught over what just happened, shoving herself away from me. 

I turn my anger to Fred. 

"What the fuck is the point of  having fucking security if you're not going to keep people from touching her?" I sneer. 

"Because I'm a bodyguard, but you're a fucking Rottweiler." He states back without hesitation and I just roll my jaw, glancing at Vivian and she doesn't even look at me. 

I sigh and dig in my pocket for the little baggie I got earlier, grabbing my hotel room key to take a bump to help me wake up for this show, and when we get to the venue, I'm getting out of the car and waiting for Fred to get out. 

He does, and I stop Vivian, nudging her back inside before saying, "we'll be there in a second."

Fred just looks at me and exhales, rolling his eyes before stepping inside. 

Vivian sighs out as I look at her, avoiding looking at me…

"Vivian, are we gonna talk about it or…?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I think we should."

"You proposed to her, Nikki."

"Allegedly." I add.

"You. Proposed. To. Her." She says it sharply and I lean back. "You had an affair with her. I trusted you. I trusted the both of you. And you lied to me." She hisses. "So, no, there is nothing to talk about...just let me out of the damn car." She slides over and opens the door but I reach over her and slam it shut.

She takes heavy breaths from where she's sitting, my body hovering over hers, the tips of our noses brushing together…

I lean down, my lips pressing to her's for just a second before she lets go of the fact I completely screwed her over. 

I'm about to pull away when she pushes her tongue past my lips, her nails running over my back through my shirt as her legs wrap around my hips, one of her hands in my knotted hair.

As always, I end up eating her like a starved pervert, relishing in the sounds of her moans and gasps. 

The truth is, she may hate me, but I'm good at getting her off and she knows it.

Once she comes and we start getting ourselves together to go inside, I look over at her. 

"So, are we good?" I ask her, oh, so fucking stupidly, and she blinks at me. 

"What?" 

"Are we good?" 

She catches on to what I mean, and rubs her lips together. 

"Nikki, you could fuck me into oblivion, which you can't because I'm never letting you fucking touch me again, and we still wouldn't be good. Not even close to 'good'. You can't have an affair with my friend and then expect everything to be good just because we fooled around while you were stoned out of your mind." She snaps and I roll my jaw as she gets out and slams the door, stomping to the back entrance of the venue. 

For the first time I feel the sting of rejection. 

Is this how groupies feel? 

I never thought once about getting head, leaving them in the limo and going on about my business. 

Anger boils in me, Sikki chomping at the bit. 

That selfish bitch! 

I get out and go after her. 

I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna say to her, but I'm mad. 

"How dare you use me to get your rocks off and then toss me aside?", no, because I've done that to her a couple times...but that's because she's into it. 

I swear she comes harder when I randomly come up behind her and just start going at it because she knows I'm just using her to get off and then leave her wherever I stopped her, and go out right after and wouldn't think twice about it. 

But me? I'm so used to her looking at me like I'm God while I have my full attention on making her feel good, and she has the audacity to get off on my face and then kick me to the curb and tell me I'm never touching her again?! 

I decided it wasn't worth the fist fight it would inevitably turn into by the time I got inside, but and looking back, she had every reason to get me horny and then swear off ever letting me get near her again. It was petty, but smart. And despite having sex one last time not long after that instance, the point was still made clear. For the first time in our relationship, the acceptance of sexual advances didn't take the place of forgiveness.