#I don't know if cravings are like specifically being like ''wow I really need to take more of this substance''

[thethingything]

okay so everything that talks about withdrawal symptoms from opioids is like "you'll get cravings for the drug" and I've been sat here like "okay well I haven't had that" (as far as I can tell? I don't know what cravings are meant to feel like in this instance? I might be misunderstanding what that means) but what has been happening is that every time I take way less pain medication for a day or two, I get symptoms that feel like food poisoning and it ends up being an overall bad time.

for the last few days we've been on a way lower dosage because we haven't needed as much pain relief, and I've spent the whole time being like "oh my god why am I getting so many hot flashes and waking up in a cold sweat and not being able to sleep more than a few hours at a time? ugh my eyes are stinging so much and my vision keeps going all blurry and weird. why do I keep feeling like the world's ending over tiny things? holy shit my digestive system is not doing well. why do I have all these weird muscle cramps and aches? god my head hurts so fucking much and nothing's helping" and I've been blaming this stuff on the fact that we overexerted so much on Monday but like... yeah there are some dots I probably should have connected sooner here

[autism-autobot]

Flower of a Poisonous Seed Part 13:

@swkbiggestdefender @starrclown @istopaskingmemate

Part 12:

"I don't like me."

"Why?"

Nezha could think of a billion reasons why Sun Wukong would potentially dislike or even downright hate himself but his own personal speculations wouldn't tell him what Wukong was currently thinking of.

"Well, to be more specific, I don't like the me that I was or, and this is the part that's really been bugging me lately, the me that people assume I am...

I don't like being 'The Monkey King'. The people's perception of me is really skewed in a way...

They think 'The Monkey King' is a guy who's only desire is to fight, kick demon ass, eat peaches, and bask in his own glory all day...

That's not me...

That's not who I want to be...

But that's definitely who I used to be...

But not for the reasons that most people may believe....

I sought other people's praise and attention because I wanted validation. I needed to learn how to fight to protect my people and I became really good at it.

I caught the attention of Azure and the Brotherhood; people who were also great at fighting, and called me better than them by comparison.

They gave me the very thing that I craved from the beginning.

And that's when I spiraled out of control."

Wukong wept as he continued.

"I had become something so awful and I flew too close to the sun in such a way that

I

just

fell...

And I think you know the rest."

"Perhaps I do."

"But who is the real you, the one you want others to know?"

"...

...

...just...

...me..."

Part 14:

Masterpost

[kitkatt0430]

There is a new episode of the Flash where apparently they're doing a mold inspection instead of just doing air quality testing on their own? Seriously? I know I'm not the only one going O_o at this setup.

Maybe the actual episode will make it work somehow? Time for me to find out.

And we're starting in 2123, so a hundred years from now. STAR Labs is the Flash museum with a statue of Barry out front. I can't tell from the angle of the opening shot but I assume the building's exterior still has not been repaired.

someone is poking around with flashlights, dressed mysteriously and headed for the weapons vault. This is clearly fine and normal.

There's an actual security response. Oh my gosh. I mean, its still ineffective, but wow. STAR Labs is gonna have security one hundred years from now. Finally.

Sorry, I think my sarcasm level may be extra high today, please bear with me.

The intruder escapes through a breach of some kind. And the camera closes in on the date the episode is set, which is foreshadowing the mold inspection going wrong, i guess.

It's weird that this is being sold to us as a mold inspection, though? The inspection certificate with the date on it is specifically having to do with the Department of Energy. Why they need a DOE inspection, I have no idea. Are they finally gonna use the pipeline to generate energy for the city or something?

I should just... watch, I guess.

Barry painting Nora's crib and getting all excited about being a dad is adorable. He's also super happy about getting Iris whatever food she may be craving, in this case ice cream. And then it turns out Iris tracked down a magazine that had once featured Henry Allen on the cover - science and medicine journal - and that's just so sweet of her. Barry has so little left from his parents after his mom's death and his dad's arrest...

This is West-Allen at it's best right here. Barry and Iris taking care of each other and showing how much they love each other. (Proof that when they work, they really work.)

Okay, so the mold inspection is because Barry is over-reacting to the whole wanting to make everything safe for Nora now, now, now. What a mold inspection has to do with the DOE is... *shrugs* I think I'm just gonna have to handwave this connection.

Apparently Khione is headed off to spend time with Carla, who wants to get to know this iteration of her daughter. Khione deserves to make family connections, so I hope this goes well. Carla messed things up with Caitlin, but did make inroads in fixing it, so hopefully she'll accept Khione for herself and get some catharsis over Caitlin and Frost's deaths. Khione is afraid of botching things, because she isn't Caitlin and not being Frost already made things go sour with Blaine. I wonder if we'll actually get to see their coffee meetup or if it'll just be discussed afterwards so we know it went okay.

Anyway, the mold inspector brings friends because asking for an inspection set off code alerts or whatever? I'm calling so much BS. That is not how things work. And since STAR Labs hasn't been operating as an active research lab, it doesn't really matter what else is or isn't up to code.

Bet Barry's regretting letting Chester have the day off now.

Iris shows up to join in the fun and rescue Barry from his bad decisions. And it's becoming more and more clear that these inspectors don't know what the hell they're doing. I mean, the electrician doesn't know what the breaker box is called?

At least Barry and Iris lampshade it.

And the temporal anomaly kicks in, herding everyone back to the speed lab repeatedly where a rather nice grandfather clock has appeared. Ticking loudly and ominously.

Barry - I can run to the future and find out how we fix this and then come back and... fix it. Iris - This seems like a bad idea. Barry - TIME TRAVEL!! What could go wrong? Iris - Everything, but whatever. Just bring me back a snack.

Barry once again jumps to time travel as the answer. *sigh* He never learns, does he?

So I want to like Allegra and Chester's date, but the jokes over scrabble feel forced. No one says 'za' instead of 'pizza'. Allegra's concerns about being found out as a meta are just kinda... not treated seriously before segueing into Chester rambling about how amazing Allegra is and how he's in love with her. Which freaks them both out. There isn't a second of that scene that isn't awkward or uncomfortable.

Back with the main plot, Barry uses the speed lab to get up to time traveling speed and some kind of wave changes Iris' outfit into this pretty blue dress with gold accents. She looks great. Barry's attempt to reach the future fails and watching him smack into a wall is hilarious.

Nice try, Barry. Fix this without cheating.

Looks like everyone else got new outfits too. Barry's is kinda Star Trek TNG/DS9/VOY era uniform looking, with a Flash symbol where the combadge would go. That had to be a deliberate choice. :D

And now Barry's been outed as the Flash to four new people. Secret identity made of swiss cheese.

At least the inspectors reactions are funny. Especially the guy who faints. And after some technobabling, we get the conclusion that one of the inspectors is the time traveling thief from the start of the episode.

My money is on the electrician, but she could also just be like me and sometimes just has words disappear from her vocabulary. I have definitely forgotten words I use every day before because my brain just blanks them out for a bit. But this is a tv show, so it seems more likely she's the culprit than the red herring.

Meanwhile, game day at Cecile's continues to be boring. This is the most awkward game of Catan I've ever seen.

Cecile - I'm gonna escape to the kitchen. Chester - No, actually you stay. I shall flee away, away.

Thankfully we're now back to the main plot and they're all speculating on who the time thief could be. Iris is having fun playing with the tech to clear everyone. And then one of the inspectors got replaced with a statue. Whoops. No closer to escaping yet, and the statue is one of those nude statues with the fig leaf.

Electrician is definitely the bad guy, she accuses Iris.

Inspector Dude #2 - Not Mrs. Flash!

lol, he's adorable.

Allegra's trauma flashbacks to Nash and Esperanza's death... *sniffle*

Show writers baiting me making me think that Cecile is gonna talk about her first marriage that failed... and then she doesn't. Hissss, I want back story, that's more interesting than the Allegra/Chester shilling.

Iris and Barry finally having that frank conversation they pretended to have in the first episode of the season is great. And I'm glad they're having Iris talk so frankly about how uncomfortable being pregnant is for her and how distressing it can be. She doesn't regret it, but the way it messes with her body and brain makes it tough on her in a way Barry can support her through, but not totally understand.

And their talk gives Barry the Eureka moment he needs to figure out who the time thief is.

Hehehe, Mrs. Flash, I love it every time he says that.

Barry - Blatantly making up bullshit about the electrical in the building. Electrician - Uhhhhh O_O I don't know enough to call bullshit because I'm not really an electrician.

Awww, two more inspectors down. :(

Lady Chronos... I can't get over her face. The makeup decisions were... interesting.

Barry - Oooh, I'm a lightning generator. I can power your belt. Lady Chronos - Working with the Flash. Ewwww.

Yay, resetting the time magnet reset the inspectors, this time with the real electrician. And the inspectors don't seem to remember what happened. Probably for the best they don't remember Barry's the Flash.

Khione - I could have told you there's no mold. Barry - ............ *expression says he feels dumb now*

So confirmation we don't get to see Carla and that Khione's coffee meetup with her went well. Carla managed to do what Blaine failed at, by wanting to get to know Khione for herself. Good job Carla.

At this point it seems like they're never gonna pick up on that plot thread with Carla gaining ice powers or her own frosty alter ego, which is a shame. But at least she's in the background trying to do right by Khione.

Allegra tracks down Chester to make things right. If nothing else, though I may not like their ship, I do hope the show will end with them happy.

Vibe-accinos. I'm so glad Cisco has a Jitter's drink. He deserves it.

The ending is more cute, domestic West-Allen.

While not the best episode of the season - either the heist episode with the Rogues or the previous episode focused on Iris and Nia are currently that for me - this was a solid and fun episode. It did much better with the temporal anomaly concept than the season opener and did a much better job of addressing Barry and Iris' different ways of dealing with their current circumstances, giving Iris room to voice her feelings without invalidating her or otherwise kicking the can down the road.

Since we're stuck with the Chester/Allegra ship, even though it's forced to the point of awkwardness at all times... Chester is adorable when he's happy. He's got such a lovely smile. And Allegra does deserve to have a relationship where she loves someone and not have it end with that person dying. I do like that the big loves of her life mentioned prior to Chester are all platonic/familial, making it clear that her non-romantic loves were just as important to her as her current romantic one.

The trailer for the next episode makes it look like the breather episodes are over and we're moving on to the final arc of the show. Bloodwork is back, as is Wally, Dig, Oliver, and the multi-verse.

Barry - *hugs Oliver* Oliver - I'm allergic to feelings, you're giving me hives. Stop it. Barry - *hugs more*

I'm guessing this final arc will have Khione come into her own as a hero? I mean, they haven't done anything that justifies killing Caitlin to create her yet, so they've gotta do that before the season ends. And this is a short season, right?

Finally... Barry's birthday was previously established as being in March, but now they're celebrating it in April from the looks of things in the trailer? *heavy sigh*

[slovo-theshattered-onion]

my LEAST fucking favourite thing about being myself is that i communicate very differently from anyone else, have not too different (mostly) but VERY specific, fluid needs, and no one seems to be able (or maybe willing) to properly listen when i tell them that much upfront.

honestly, some of it IS my fault. the specific thing that would be helpful to people communicating with me is just, them not making assumptions, and i often forget to say so upfront. but to be fair when i do people often proceed to make assumptions anyway and then get pissy when i remind them i asked NOT to do that so i honestly dunno what is left for me to change about my approach

the only person who makes me feel heard and seen is my partner, really. everyone else is a ship in the night sailing by what might be a pile of seaweed, an odd ship wreak, a massive creature, or land, depending on how the light hits- i am, obviously, The Mass.

but that's all just a preface. the reason it is my least favourite thing is that NO ONE believes them when i say i am very different. everyone treats it with a layer of skepticism, mostly as a sort of 'oh you poor soul, isolating yourself, feeling alone in your suffering even though you're not, alienated from your community...' if they mean well and 'wow no. you're not that special' if they don't (often some mixture of both plus some other things)

but yeah. that peeves me all the way to hell. do those people KNOW why i wanted so badly to belong to the autistic community, to the plural community, to the queer community, to ANY COMMUNITY AT ALL ? do they not realise all i have ever done, all i have ever wanted, ALL i have EVER craved was to just, belong, to be like someone? and obviously another part of me RELISHES in this weirdness, and has always wanted to be unique, but it's not quite here right now so all i have is being utterly special and hating most of what it brings.

it's like,,, in this society, either you are Just Like Everyone Else, aka Normal, aka you have the same resources, the same ability to access them and the same relationship to them as everyone else, or you are Subhuman Scum, aka Abnormal, aka you FAILED to access those resources in the right way so you are not worth even looking at.

With the example of queer people (or like a half of the queer community really, things are never so easy), as that is what i feel qualified to speak on, we are somewhat on the precipice of these two categories. People recognise we should be treated Just Like Everyone Else, but we are not normal by the standard definition, we are Deficient.

so far what that had meant is that the definition expanded a bit in some circles. not nearly enough to include all of us, but it did! the resource of cis-hetero attraction and reproduction is no longer quite so required by society. cool !! in other ways most of us are still seen as Subhuman Scum on at least some level so that's fun. lmao

anyway all this to say i am Also on the precipice in a similar sense, tho obviously more individually. i work hard, i do my best to be kind to everyone, i'm clearly putting in all the effort i can, and yet i am weak, i break so easily, i snap, my attitude changes, my behaviour changes, i am needy, i struggle to talk, i don't fit in-

and i have all the Identities that sort of explain that, so they try to treat me nice, like they would anyone else. but i'm not anyone else.

i'm not 'normal'. i loathe the word. i loathe the implication anything about me is, because it has only ever been used to deny my feelings, to deny my autonomy, my intellect. i think that might just be something i have the most in common with other humans, this understanding i'm not like the norm; the norm doesn't really... exist, as anything but a theoretical (and oppressive. btw) concept.

but there are degrees.

some people feel deeply on a level i cannot claim that they are not human. i did, too, once. but i know i am. i know most of my responses could be attributed to this mental illness or that personality disorder or those traumas. i know my brain, my nervous system, are in the same genus as everyone else's; i know i occupy the role of a human in society.

it's just that... i also feel a disconnect from it all, not a 'thin layer of film' as that one tumblr post put it but a muffling, blurry and thick wall. and i myself don't fully understand it. and i wish that people assumed less that i am inviting them to deny my lived reality when i say that, and tried to understand, to help me understand.

really, i do want people to make assumptions about me.

i want them to assume i am intelligent, and my intentions are good.

returning me that favour is the least they can do.

[izartn]

I'm craving good het romance, as one does from time to time. Where do I find good fantasy not only romance het pairings. Where is my queer het plot!!!

Has anyone some book or manga recs? Preferably something finished please, I don't want to suffer waiting to the author to complete or abandon the story or of they're gonna be canon XD

EDIT after list is written: Okay. This post has officially become my list of what kind and why of het pairings I like. You've been officially warned. (Also a rec list of what to read/watch?) Trying to avoid spoilers.

Also more than half of this list is about teen me readings, I really need to seek out books and Manga bc wow. Very teen me, and I think that I've outgrown their canons even if the ship dynamic is also that still compels me.

I like:

CANON

El/Orion from the Scholomance. Whenever Orion gets a bit of focus I'm just. Oh wow (if you read between the lines he's so simple and so fucking unhinged at the same time). El extremely denying any vibes until last moment, but also falling extremely hard. Them both being such a battle couple/pair in general.

Whatever you can call what Agatha has going on with her two beaus in Girl Genius. They're all three of them so crazy competent and gone for each other too.

Yona/Hak and her vibes with Soo-won too (that foils thing she has with him is perfect and usually handled to male charas only, I'm biting my arm) (the loyalty thing with Hak and the way he pulls her higher too) (just the frustrated ot3 vibes of it all).

Jang Uk and Naksu|Cho Yeong in season 1. Their devoted and unhinged vibes destroyed me, I loved them. They were perfect, they only needed a bit more physicality. Season 2 defanged Yeong way way too much (in favor of uwu and blegh, let the woman cut off heads) and I didn't like the postponed angst and romance without knowing her identity.

Iron Widow OT3, which look. Wu Zetian rules even when she misses and nukes a city and everything is fantastically creepy and the guys lovely developed charas too with very different personalities and backstories

Tana and Gavriel from the Coldest Girl in Coldtown. (and this one also has threesome vibes with Aiden, uh) I like it when she is driven to do whatever it needs doing be it save her ex or her sister, or killing an ancient vampire in the company of another midly crazed vamp who is also very devoted to her and rediscovering life. Also the whole aesthetic and vibes of this one fucks.

Kate and August in Monsters of Verity duology. Dark dystopic urban fantasy and monster/human plus tragedy plus narrativelt active morally complex fem protags? I was obssesed with it when it came out.

Kaguya and Shirogane, but specifically if they weren't so innocent. Their chemistry is super fun, but I want something a bit more grown up and less teen panic. See also, me at 11 being obssesed with Blair/Chuck vibes in season 1 and 2 of Gossip Girl.

I'm on a roll. I loved Gilbert/Anne both in the 80's series and in Anne with an e. Obvious rivals to lovers where the guy respects her intelligence and she also has to have a whole arc about herself before realising she likes him.

I remember being bewitched by Lyra and Will once upon a time when I read the Golden Compass trilogy. Same re:Nathaniel and Kitty from Bartimaeus despite these two never having comfirmed anything just tragic unfulfilled potential.

Bipa and Aer from La Emperatriz de los Etéreos de Laura Gallego; theyre my fave pairing of hers and one of the only ones I didn't grew distant from as I grew out of her books. She's so practical and also kind and warm hearted, and he has the head on the clouds and is also completely out of this world in a familiar way. (this is me identitying with the guy who only appears like. A quarter of the whole novel bc he has been trying to give himself over to a lovecraftian alien soul-eater blue star while Bipa has to do all the journey to bring him back and destroy said blue star). Laura Gallego is wild.

NOT CANON

Younger me also enjoyed Artemis/Holly, not sorry at all for that one. He's so gone for her as a person and she's so out of his league (bc of their ages, bc of their species, their incompatible moralities up to the last books, etc, etc). Unfulfilled longing that makes you want to be a better person, the ship.

Soul/Maka on the other hand have super married vibes despite nothing ever being official and I love them and want to set on fire all the fic there's is about them bc it's general romcom / modern setting without that battle partnership and soul trust + domesticity I love. Also extremely teen but alas.

Yatori from Noragami bc I love tragedy specifically and human/gods relationships are fascinating. Even if it's unfinished. Even if it's out of focus somewhat.

Bellamy/Clarke from the 100 for all of the three seasons I saw before abandoning the series. The plot was unsmokeable but their relationship perfectly done. I was resigned to a boring romance with Finn and bam. Complex relationships, Clarke being bi with Lexa, parallel leaderships arcs, etc. Oh wow.

When someone bothers to write Aredhel/Celegorm on her PoV and it hits incredibly HARD. Damn. Whether aroallo or full-romo. Let post rebirth Aredhel be wild and Celegorm reckon with the knowledge of what wrong he almost brought to Luthien given Aredhel. Aredhel loving Lomion despite everything and loving disaster Celegorm, but not forgetting what they did, the awkward bonding between Maeglin and Celegorm as two former bad guys. Or them avoiding a bad ending and dying together fighting on the First Age before the Second Kinslaying. Playful times in Valinor pre-darkening.

ESPECIAL MENTION

I loved Laini Taylor characters and worldbuilding but her love at first sight kind of romances left me cool which is sad given I liked like everything else about her stories. Including the two characters involved on the romances, but not the romances per se. I guess I'm too aroace to believe first sight as anything reasonable in a serious plot even with the fairy tale vibes her stories have lol.

I also love Reylo vibes and symbolism but hated what they did on the last movie with them and I'm weirdly unable to read much fic of them. So...

[assortedvillainvault]

Chance anon here! You want more, you got it! How do you think the Blitzwing personalities would go about comforting a stressed human reader s/o? Just craving a bit of fluff at the moment, but take as long as you need!

Oh Lord how to make it not look like I think about this exact scenario on a daily basis...

Blitzwing x Stressed!Reader below:

Icy:

Oh wow ok He Knows this feeling.

He's the personality that would attempt to find a practical solution, and ask a lot of gentle questions to try and get more information as to why you're so stressed.

Please don't take his questioning the wrong way, it's not meant to be condesceding or meant to make you question your feelings, and if you say it's making this worse he'll back right off.

You're going to be held for the rest of the day. He can do almost all tasks one handed so you're being gently held over his spark until you fall asleep.

He tries (as much as he can) to keep things quiet and peaceful since he knows a chaotic environment tips him over the edge all the time, and doesn't want you to react the same way to any loud noises or inconveniences when you've already got enough on your plate.

He's been looking into holoforms specifically for moments like these where he's too big to give you what you need, so you had better be prepared for a strapping german-accented human man to be spooning you in Blitzwings hands when you wake up from your stress nap.

You're not going to lie, the hugs really do help. Yknow, after you freak out and punch the intruder in the mouth before he manages to explain wtf you're waking up to. After that part, it helps.

Hothead:

He's going to encourage violence.

First he's going to scoop you up and demand to know who made you cry so he can crush them and fling their body into the sun. When you explain that it was no-one in particular, just a bad day/week/month/year and it's just getting to you more than normal, he'll back off on the seething.

Hothead is very familiar with frustration to the point of tears, that visor is for more than just show y'know, and takes you to the training room to blow off steam.

You're going to have the most brutally positive personal trainer encouraging you to go absolutely feral on the little dummy set up for your convenience. Beating the shit out of the dummy with a bat is surprisingly effective, and by the end of it you need a new bat and a new dummy and a drink.

Hothead is glad it seems to have worked, and smugly offers you a treat~

Before you can ask he transforms into tank mode and pops his entrance hatch open, telling you to slip inside.

No Con would be caught dead with a human passenger so you scramble in. It's surprisingly roomy, and the interior is full of buttons and levers. Gruffly, he walks you though what to press and pull to lock his turrets into position, lights up the trigger, and gives you free reign.

The overwhelming power of directing a cybertronian warframe rushes dizzyingly to your head. The recoil from dual tank blasts obliterating what's left of your little dummy (and most of the wall behind it) leaves you giggly and with the shakes as Hothead's laugh reverberates from all around you.

Random:

Look a distraction! *shoots Lugnut*

You two are now doing Whatever You Want and not even Megatron can stop you.

Treats? He's holding the dougnut shop hostage. A flight? Hope you can handle mach 10! A hug? You're all but taped to his chassis and you're not being let go.

He might be overcompensating a bit but he's low key in panic mode and isn't sure how exactly to help so he's going off the philosophy of 'more is better' and taking it to extremes.

Random is also very very liable to find whoever did this to you and set their house on fire. Or freeze them. Depends on how funny he'll find it later.

He's also pirating all your favourite shows and movies, ordered pizza and has been stashing an entire warehouses worth of mattresses, pillows and blankets for cuddle-snuggle-nest emergencies, which has now been activated.

Once your spree of next level terror is over, he is absolutely falling asleep with you safely on top of him, worn out but ultimately feeling a better.

Naught like being forced to reevaluate your current problems by witnessing the sheer chaos of New Problems, right?

He's leaving a note for Icy to help deal with your problems responsibly later. When you wake up.

[obey-me-headquarters]

Obey me cast that I think are the most sensitive to least sensitive to touch.

Most

Diavolo: man is just so touch starved. You know that he never got even a hug from his father. I don't think handshakes are common practice in the devildom, and if they were I think it would be more polite to bow to Diavolo than shake his hand. Like I seriously think the last time he was hugged was from Barbatos when he was a kid. Before he got too old and getting hugs from his butler would be seen as inappropriate. He absolutely lights up whenever you touch him. Even just a simply touch of the arm can have him swooning.

Barbatos: for similar reasons to Diavolo. Though I think before he became his butler he was someone who fucked around. So when you touch him it's more of a "wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I had this" definitely craves it once he realizes what he's been missing. Does it in a sneaky way though, like he'll subtlety lean towards you and would offer his arm to escort to you places more frequently.

Lucifer: the only reason he's not higher up is because he has his brothers lol. Not that his family is the most touchy feely group, but they're still around each other. Lucifer leans close to Satan while they're reading for example, and when Lucifer handed Satan his book when they switched bodies when touching. So I think only really hugs catch him off gaurd. Though he does really love them. Would do them in sercet, probably when the two of you are in his room and he knows he has a million traps set up at the door to stop anyone from barging in. Loves to feel your hands through his hair too, feels like grooming to him. Gets extremely cuddly when drunk, like man will full out whine if you try to stand to use the bathroom and make grabby hands at you. 

Levi: it's not so much that's he's sensitive, but specifically your touch. It's actually kinda hard to hug him/touch him for long since he gets so panicky and overstimulated he needs to back off for some space quick. Though he's also very naturally drawn to you, like when you're watching anime together and get to an exciting part he'll subconsciously starts leaning into you. Will get extremely embarrassed once he realizes and insists that you were the one leaning towards him.

Satan: he thinks he's OK with touch - he read about this sort of thing in books before! But in actuality gets very flustered. His mind will just go completely blank whenever you hold his hand. Like, he could have a million lines he read in books in his mind and at the ready to tell you, but once you take your hand in his it's all empty. It's a good way to calm him down. He's getting irritated listening to Lucifer drone on and on? Hold his hand and he wouldn't even notice the talking anymore. He gets very flustered when you point it out too. Like he'll be talking about his book and then suddenly you'll grasp his hand and he'll just pause and stop talking. Make fun of him and he'll get even more embarrassed! But he's stilling holding your hand.

Mammon: despite being a tsundere I actually don't think he's that sensitive to touch. Like, he goes out clubbing and partying, there's been demons who threw themselves at him. Like Levi, it's specifically your touch that gets him going. I imagine that any touch can fluster him. Bump his shoulder? Blushing. Hand him a pen and your hands touch? Face is on fire. The only reason why he's so down on the list, is that after he gets used to you in his space, he kinda gets used to it? Like, I still think skin on skin contact makes him blush, but he also starts to stand near you. And closer too. Gets embarrassed when it's pointed out to him, but does not move away. Instead he stutters out that he's protecting you. That's all!

Simeon: probably only gets a little shy when it comes to skin on skin contact. Like he's completely fine with bumping shoulders or having you pat his head - maybe a little blushy but can still function enough to pat you back. But prolonged physical contact? As the two of you continue to touch he just keeps thinking and thinking about it. Unlike Satan his mind goes kinda crazy when you two touch. I can see him silently working himself up. This means that you could be sitting in lap as you two read, and he'll start off fine and might even lightly tease you, but when you look back after half an hour you see that his face is beet red and he hasn't moved a page in his book.

Beel: he doesn't think that hard whenever you go to touch him. Just a quick "oh we're holding hands now? Sweet." Still appreciates it, just doesn't make a big deal out of it. He's twins with Belphie too, and you know that man loves to use his furnace of a brother as a pillow. But! I do know a way to get him flustered! Simply start complimenting his body, like how ripped his arms are or that cake of an ass he got, and then start letting your hands wander. Will get bashful and red very quickly. Might even let out a moan when you squeeze.

Solomon: God I need to know more about his man!! I'm sorry I'm not that far into that game i wanna level up cards till I can just skip battles and read the story all at once. Though, since he's pact mates with Asmo I think he's pretty used to touch. What I can see him getting flustered over is domestic moments? Like maybe the two of you fall asleep in his study as you're studying magic. And he'll wake up to discover that he fell asleep ontop of you. Leaning back he'll see your peaceful sleeping face and would instantly get red faced.

Belphie: man is a cuddle bug, I literally can't imagine him getting overly flustered about anything. Like maybe if you tease him? But there's more him being a desperate little brat that doesn't know patience. Would get blushy when he sees you sleeping though, but that's mainly because he sees you partaking in *his* sin and he feels special to you that way.

Asmo: yall knew this man would be at the bottom once you read the prompt. He is constantly touching you. Swinging your hand as the two of you walk to school, playing with your hair when you're in class together. Would do his makeup and immediately turn to you, cup your face, and bring it up to his and ask how he looks. He has absolutely no shame. You could walk up to him at school and dip your hands into his underwear and he wouldn't even blink. I know he gets kinda idk - needy? Demanding? Blushy? In game whenever you touch him, but I kinda always say that as an act? Like he's pretending to be all bashful to being more appealing/for fun? Almost like he's teasing.

Least

[xiaosmoon]

dad/pregnancy headcanons

because i love dilfs <3

feat. childe & albedo

warnings: pregnancy

(afab reader)

when you first told childe you were pregnant, you were convinced he was going to explode from joy. he didn't believe you when you first told him

"there's really a baby in there?"

"yes, childe."

"...really?"

que death stare

he would be beyond helpful during your pregnancy. need to grab something? just stay put and he'll bring it to you. craving mac & cheese with pickles at the ass crack of dawn? he's already in the kitchen. he really just wants you to be as comfortable as you can be. he knows how to deal with your mood swings quite well (he grew up with quite a few siblings) and you always feel bad afterward but childe assures you that it's no big deal. as helpful as your loving husband is, you do get quite bored just sitting down all day and doing nothing. (this man wouldn't even let you cook for the first 3 months of your pregnancy. he claimed your belly getting too close to the stove would cook the baby.) so you convince him to accompany you on evening walks around your neighborhood. he was cautious at first of course. he's a fatui harbinger and anyone finding out about his pregnant wife would be bad news. but he gives in with a little convincing. overall, your pregnancy was quite the breeze.

childe would be the best dad. he's always wanted a big loving family and now his dream is slowly becoming a reality. the first time he held his baby was the best day of his life. the way his son wrapped his little delicate hand around childe's finger was the day he knew that he had a new person to care for. to love, cherish, and support. with all of the overwhelming love for his son, the dangers and fear lurked at the back of his mind. he was a fatui harbinger. it's funny how hands that have killed and slaughtered so much, are now holding something as precious and innocent as a new life. protecting you and his beloved son was now his number one priority.

he would hold his child over his shoulders all the time. he claims "the view is better when you can see everything!"

secretly spoiling the kid. i mean, come on. his pockets run very deep. who would he spend it on if not his own child?

"y/n, when can we have more babies? i mean look at this cutie! we do make cute kids don't you think?"

"you know, making babies is the fun part and i wouldn't mind-" oh look, a flying pillow heading straight for childe

once your son is older, childe will teach him combat. enough for him to protect himself

you and childe both agree that not telling your son about childe's real job is for the best. well at least until he's a bit older.

childe would make the sweetest, most fun, and caring dad <3

when you found out you were pregnant, you thought it was impossible. albedo had specifically told you that he couldn't procreate, so what was happening? you told albedo and he was just as confused as you. a week after being okay with it, you were both very happy. albedo called your unborn childe a miracle baby. for the first few months of your pregnancy, he would always rub your tummy. you could be cuddling on the couch and he would mindlessly be massaging and rubbing your baby bump gently. at night when he was sure you were asleep, he would talk to your stomach and plant gentle kisses on your exposed skin. "i love you very much. you're just going to be the cutest little thing, arent you? klee can't wait to play with you." you were sure your heart had exploded. but unlike childe, albedo wouldn't be the best with your mood swings. he would try his best to understand them, but it's just too much for the poor lad. you of course would apologize for your bursts of emotions but he assures you with a bunch of kisses that it's alright and you should just worry about your health. after that, albedo would busy himself with books, trying to understand as much as he could about pregnancy.

"hey y/n, did you know that babies cry in the womb?"

"albedo what the fuck."

sweet boy would do the absolute most for you during all of your trimesters.

albedo was in absolute awe when he first held your baby in his arms. wow, we really created this little little life, he would think. albedo was determined to find the meaning of life, it was surreal that he had helped create one. he kissed his baby gently on the forehead as they slept. they had his blonde hair, but your nose. he very much loved that. albedo doesn't know the first thing about being a father, but for his little baby, he would try.

albedo would a better father than he thought he would

you, of course, had no doubt

albedo would always listen to his child's stories and show them cool (and very safe) experiments in his lab

klee loved to spend time with your baby. she claims that she's practically gained a new sibling that she can play with!

albedo would listen to all of the babbles and endless nothingness of your baby like it was the most interesting thing in the world

he would also take notes of your baby. for research purposes he claims (wouldn't be albedo without some science)

once your child is old enough, he will allow them to come help in the lab with very minor tasks

while albedo is learning to be a father on the journey, he undoubtedly is doing a very well job

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hello! This is quite a long ask, I'm sorry for that, ha...

You're one of the people who helped me THE MOST with the realization that I'm aroace, being it in a strict way or in the spectrum way (still kinda unsure about that sometimes, feelings are hard). Oh, the amount of asks I've sent to you and even saved in a (private) Pinterest board... thank you so much for that.

But, still, there are times where I doubt myself, and I want to know if it's okay if you and/or your followers can give me some reassurances... I know that it owns to no one the right to say the way a person should identify or not except the person themself, thus why I say right now that I only need reassurances about identities I know I identify with, but still need to hear I fit from an outside perspective because I'm terribly insecure haha (this is a terribly nervous laugh).

Hm, I think I might have had crush(es?) for someone that is really beside me just once, sometime in my past. But, like, the only one time I'm almost sure about this was when I was really a little child and kinda "obsessed" with this one boy for a while. Don't understand well how this was, though. I don't quite understand my childhood self at all, they were confusing and I'm worried about them.

There's a second I sometimes suppose I've had a crush, but this one I'm even more uncertain about really being a crush or not. I used to see him more like a competitor in intelligence and attention from teachers in the start (again, I was a child, but more of a grown up one), and somehow it managed to reach this situation where I'm imagining us holding hands and liking the idea. But this one I see as a more platonic attraction one...? (Not only for that, but because of how I felt about him in general, as with another bunch of "different ways" I felt about different people that truly don't appear "to fit" neither the sexual nor romantic attraction definition... it just seems like my platonic attraction is really strong). I say that about this guy also because I directly and constantly saw him with someone I suppose was his girlfriend, but just didn't really felt anything strong about it, if anything at all — and, wow, I was so confused by this because I really though I had a romantic crush for him.

And, even if this one time (or possibly two) or any of the other times where I felt/feel attracted for someone in a way I personally think is more of a really strong platonic and/or aesthetic way were, in fact, romantic or sexual... it is still so rare and would operate in such a different way that I don't ever see myself being allo at all, but still somehow in the aro and ace spectrums.

I'll also use the example of celebrities for that. When I'm excited about one celebrity, it just doesn't look like when allo close friends (except one of them is ace, not aro, love her) feel. I feel excited about their existence, their appearance, their voice, may or may not imagine myself doing romanc-y coded things with them (more often not or just not in a seriously-want-to-do-this way if I really do so), BUT: I'm more excited about reacting about this things more to blend with my friends, to have fun talking about these people and how they make me feel with them, than much with the person at all lol. It also tends to be for a short period per person, if longer it may be really less strong with the time (and these periods appear to have gotten shorter and shorter with the years, as I realized the nature of my feelings towards attraction and just grew up as a person more).

I also think that sometimes I deeply crave sexual and/or romantic coded intimacy, but... it is more just this "craving" alone, not really caused by anyone specific.

So, yeah, this is some my experience! I'm sorry for the rambling... it's just that I don't have many people I feel comfortable enough to talk about this. :(

All the best, and thank you! <3

Yeah, Anon, it's absolutely OK to have doubts. And it's OK to have experiences in both your past and present that you're not 100% sure what those feelings are (if they even are clear cut or able to be categorized), and be confused about that sometimes.

The important things are always going to be things like is this label working for you? Are you finding it useful? Does it resonate with you? And it sounds like that's true for you and using aroace. Remember too that labels are a bit subjective, it's about what makes sense to you. And how you interpret your feelings and experiences.

I will say too a lot of what you describe do sound like a-spec experiences. Remember being aroace is not a strict no romantic or sexual feelings ever, but instead experiencing these things differently than allo people do. So if sometimes you think something may feel a bit romance-y, I wouldn't worry too much about that either.

One thing that may help you feel more secure is seeking out more ace and aro spaces, even if you're just lurking, it can be really helpful to regularly see ace/aro perspectives and relate to them. And just in general, being OK with that bit of doubt can help too. It's normal.

I'm really glad to hear this blog has been so helpful! Good luck and all the best!

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Re watching the Avengers and wow totally forgot how thoroughly convinced Thor was that Loki was only doing this to get back at him specifically. Kinda conceited

It is surprising that after spending all his life next to his brother Thor didn't see anything weird in Loki suddenly becoming something he had never been before. From what we see in the movies he took part in the battles, he had been trained and was accustomed to using magic in the battlefield, but he had never attacked a planet on his own before, he had never sought power or tried to seize the throne, so how come Thor didn't realize there was something fishy going on?

It is understandable that he'd be mad though:

Thor: I thought you dead.

Loki: Did you mourn?

Thor: We all did. Our father...

Loki: Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?

Thor: We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that?

That last line makes it obvious that Thor still doesn't understand Loki or sees things from his perspective, but focusing on Thor here there's something Loki doesn't understand either: Thor had been lied to as well. He didn't know Loki had been taken and it all happened so quickly for him: he was banished then his brother lied to him and next thing he knows Loki sends the Destroyer to kill him - at that point Thor didn't know what had happened, it all came out of nowhere. Then before he can make sense of it all Loki lets go and dies - except he doesn't and now he's standing before him in the middle of an attack on a planet that had done nothing to them.

He should know this isn't who Loki really is but is it any surprise that he's hurt?

Loki: I am a king!

Thor: Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home.

He still wants him back after everything but the problem is he's not acknowledging the reasons Loki let go in the first place, he's not asking either, he's happy making assumptions and blaming everything on his brother.

And of course this line that's meant to end up being a joke (He's adopted) but I love this because Thor is standing before a bunch of humans who are badmouthing Loki and he says this: "Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother."

But there's also some form of self-awareness coming from him, not much but it is something: "When I first came to earth, Loki's rage followed me here and your people paid the price. And now again. In my youth I courted war."

And the line you're referring to: "Loki's mind is far afield, it's not just power he craves, it's vengeance upon me. There's no pain that would prize his need from him." This relates to his line earlier on during their argument on the mountain when he says "So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights? No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki!" to which Loki replies (I love this answer by the way): "And you're doing a marvelous job with that! The humans slaughter each other in droves while you idly fret! I mean to rule them, as why should I not?".

Thor is making it about him when this has nothing to do with him at all, but he assumes it does because it's his brother and he had been living on Earth for a while during his banishment so of course Loki only wants to piss him off. It's a sign of his ego, nothing more. He's used to being on the spotlight and now his brother is taking some of that attention from him and I guess he doesn't like it.

That still doesn't stop him from trying to get his brother back:

Thor: Look at this! Look around you! You think this madness will end with your rule?

Loki: It's too late. It's too late to stop it.

Thor: No. We can. Together.

Don't tell me it's not endearing that however mad Thor might be at his brother he still tries over and over again to get him back.

[wowheadquarters]

don't be shy, drop ALL your Kel'Thuzad headcanons~

All of them? Hm. I don’t know if I remember all of them. Also, I stopped keeping track of WoW some time in the middle of the Battle for Azeroth, because it can either be WoW whcih I enjoy or shitwreck, and I chose WoW, which isn’t what Blizzard/Activision is currently serving- I meant to say that most likely my headcanons aren’t Shadowlands compatibile.

Anyway. Kel’thuzad headcanons of various importance as I remember them.

Kel’thuzad is his actual given name, it’s not a pseudonym or anything.

In Thalassian “kel’thuzad” mean “seeker of the truth”. (In Darnassian the same phrase is “keil tassad” and in Zandali “kel’ta sad”.)

Kel’thuzad speaks Common and Thalassian fluently. Before the Dark Portal opened he knew some phrases in Dwarven (conversational) and Gnomish (related to transport industry and mathematic). He can also speak Zandali with varying accents (mostly Amani), but he knows only five or six Zandali signs (he can sign his name, but that’s it).

After the Dark Portal opened, Kel’thuzad tried and failed to learn Orcish. He gained the skill later when it was a trial-and-error learning by communicating with Ner’zhul. Due to that Kel’thuzad’s accent when speaking Orcish is not “Human,” but distinctly Shadowmoon.

He also learned Nerubian from... well, the dead Nerubians. He can now both speak and write fluently even with encryption.

(There are 3 ways of Nerubian ecryptions and they can be simultaneously applied. This way there exist 7 versions of encryption plus 1 unencrypted text. These are known as the Eight Webs of writing. Plain text is written in the First Web, triple encryptin is the Eighth Web.)

He can read (but not speak) Nathrezim, and somewhat read and speak Shath’Yar, the language of the Old Gods. He would understand Quiraji if he ever encountered it, because it is very close to Nerubian (like Czech and Slovakian, I imagine).

The Language of Death, by the Scourge usually referred to as Deathspeak, is an artificial language created by Kel’thuzad. It is based on all languages he knew at the point of creating it, and is fairly easy to learn if you find a willing teacher. It was created for the members of the Cult of the Damned to understand ach other without them feeling like one language/race is put above the other, and to partially control their thoughts, as the language specifically hasn’t got some words or phrases (such as “rebellion”). Orwell would be proud.

He was brownhaired, but he greyed out fairly quickly when Ner’zhul settled in his head without paying any rent.

He was from Kul’Tiras. (I still want him to necromance a sunken ship. And a chalk cliff.)

His family name is Naxrierre. There is a theory that Naxrierres were a witch coven that became civilized with years, which is mostly spread by naysayers to explain the family’s talent towards magic. Another theory claims that they are a part-elven bastards which would besides the magic explain the name.

Kel’thuzad took the elf-Naxrierr theory to heart and in his ambition for one of his sons to make it somewhere else than the navy agve him a Quel’dorei name.

The suffix -ramas in Nerubian signifies not encessarily a necropolis but any place to permanently home dead bodies. “Naxxramas” is basically “Nax(rierre)’s tomb” but in Nerubian. 

As a mage in Dalaran Kel’thuzad studied arcanophysic, a way to describe and measure magic. This field is where all the calibration of spells or even negating spells comes from. He became the sole teacher of it in Dalaran, because he was the only one enthusiastic enough about it to bother.

He was that type of teacher who didn’t give homeworks, he hated correcting them. He also had his classes in the most unreasonable hours, such as 3 AM, because he had a busy schedule and non-existent sleep pattern.

Since Kel’thuzad’s banishment the knowledge of arcanophysics among the Dalaran mages has drasticaly declined and is nearly nonexistent nowadays. All books Kel’thuzad had written on it have been sealed away, which removed nearly all reliable sources from the public access.

Kel’thuzad actually had good relationships with his colleagues. He helped Alonda with her fild research on Trolls (hence his speaking Zandali).

His closest friend was Anthonidas. They used to be classmates once upon the time.

What really undermined Kel’thuzad’s trust and belief in Kirin Tor was what happened to Khadgar. He realized that Kirin Tor is not going to act if given a warning, and not going to help if hearing a plea.

He still tried to warn Kirin Tor before what he didn’t know was the Scourge. He had noticed the Amani “moving out of the way”. “Whatever will happen, and I believe that this time it will be the dead, because the demons haven’t tried that yet, it will happen in a single line from Lordareon to Quel’Danas. We know the Amani can see into the future, and they are clearing out of this path.” Dismissed as a doomsayer, he wasn’t really persistent in his warnins.

Ner’zhul’s talks to Kel’thuzad began as especially persistent migraines. Whenever Kel’thuzad tried to tell Anthonidas that his condition is serious, he was sent off with a mug of peacebloom tea and an advice not to stay up so late, and maybe lay off some stress.

The teacher who taught Thrall in his early years such stuff as writing, that was Kel’thuzad in disguise when he was rectuiting in and around Durnholde Keep.

No, Kel’thuzad has no idea the little pet-orc he was trying to groom and later kidnap for the Cult of the Damned (What a better liteunant than the one you raise yourself?) is Thrall, the Warchief of the Horde.

Kel’thuzad was tasked with finding and preparing the perfect new host for Ner’zhul. He was trying to overthrow the Lich King, so he picked Arthas as a paladin of Light whom he believed strong willed enough to handle it. And at the start of the story Arthas was.

His second choice for Lich King would have been Kael’thas.

He shuffled his cards in the deck of “Scourge politics” so that Bolvar Fordragon would take the Helm of Domination after Arthas. Players greta victory? Just according to keikaku.

He had (and still has) a “wanted poster” for Garrosh Hellscream. He really wanted him into the Scourge army. The reward was a whole necropolis with units.

Naxxramas had a dedicated “catkeeper” tasked with taking care of Mr. Bigglesworth and cleaning the acid/slime vats. Her name was Gwendoline, usually called Gwen, she is now one of Garrosh’s ghost children. Gwen died during the attack on Theramore where she was working as a spy for the Scourge.

Liches feed off people emotions and minds. The Lich Kign keeps it secret (even from Kel’thuzad) to keep them starved and obedient. The passive “nibbling” causes that people around liches start to be unfeeling.

Kel’thuzad has developed the Cure for the Plague quite early on. Ner’zhul made him test the plagues seeds on himself.

Speakig of that, Ner’zhul (and later Arthas as the Lich King) had a complete control over Kel’thuzad’s body, so if he refused to carry out an order, Ner’zhul could just make him do it anyway.

Additionally, the Lich King could kep him going despite injuries, exhaustion &c. Arthas fancied himself thinking that h killed Kel’thuzad, but the truth is that the cumulative injuries (several broken bones, stab wounds, a concussion, frostbites, poisonings), exhaustion and starvation were enough to kill Kel’thuzad twice over, no hammer needed. Ner’zhul just in that moment let Kel’thuzad die, because that was what he needed.

He used to play Hearthstone a lot when he was alive. He had a very good Hunter Murlock tribal deck.

He is asexual, and quite possibly aromantic too. In his words: “I believe in love on the first sight. And I am probably blind or something, as it seems.”

His favourite colour is purple.

Shortly before the capture of Bolvar Fordragon Kel’thuzad re-bound his phylactery from the whole urn to a single shard. The shard was sold by a cult of the Damned agent in Kul’Tiras to Taelia Fordragon as a lucky amulet.

Whenever as a lich Kel’thuzad regained his form, he always found himself knee-deep in water due to some fucking coincidences, starting with the Sunwell.

Speaking of Sunwell, he carries in himself  “a spark of Sunwell”. this has many benefits, such as power or not giving a fuck about Light being super-effective against the undead. It is a thing to be revealed out of the blue without prior warning when we need to reset the Sunwell (again).

He has enough knowledge of Troll and Orc shamanism to be considered a shaman, and too analytical and scientific mind to be actually good at it.

He also had made an oath to the Amani tribe that everything he’s learned from them would never be used to harm any Troll. It is why Kel’thuzad was not responsible for the havoc wrought in Zul’drak.

Naxxrams “responds” to Kel’thuzads emotions and feelings and even physical state. When he gets discorporated (killed), Naxxramas enters “save battery” mode. Naxxramas’ usual is “cold and static” and “cold and slightly shaking” which is Kelthuzad’s “bored” and “irritated” respectively.

He doesn’t like sweets, but he enjoyes crunchy stuff, be it cookies or fried potato slices. He craves the crunch.

He ate the flesh of several sapient beings. In several cases he knows it and the memory of ti makes him retch, even now when he is dead.

He likes dragons. He wants his own dreagonflight. (I have a headcanon abbout Sapphiron’s “Ivory” dragonflight of undead dragons.)

He has a saronite armour to match with the Bloodsurge. It decorates a ziggurat somewhere in Plaguelands. el’thuzad honestly doesn’t care. The armour has spikes on the inside, so if you put it on as a living being, you can’t take it off without bleeding out. A very emo move.

And I am tired now, so this will have to do for now. It’s not all of them, I am sure I haven’t thought of some area. But here we go.

[dent-de-leon]

Nonagon is a mystery to me as well and I wish we knew more of him. Is it the eyes? The tomb? The blood? If Molly had lived to be chased down by Lucien then where would Nonagon manifest? Would he take control over Molly like Obann did with Yasha? Maybe corrupt him little by little as he leveled up? Or was he always there within Lucien, part of that charismatic cruelty of his? What was his previous goal, before he met his end at Vess' hand? I have so many questions. But I don't think (1/x)

we'll ever get the chance to figure it all out. Breaking the 4th wall for a moment, Nonagon was probably created before Lucien, a part of the deep lore sparkled into reality by a PC's blank backstory. Then Lucien's characterization came from the life Tal gave to Molly: the mannerisms, the accent, the ideals, the hearts broken when he met his fate. I can't tell if Matt took notes when Molly was still alive or if he studied the character during the hiatus, but one thing is clear: (2/x)

He's doing an incredible job at messing with our heads and tugging at our hearts. I want Molly back, for more than just a brief moment. I want to know more about Lucien and his relationship with the TT and the MT. And I want to understand the essence of the Nonagon and how he came into being. And wow, this got a bit longer than I thought it would. I'm sorry for throwing more questions than anything at you. I'm just so fascinated by these characters. I wish I could have them all. (3/3)

oh this is all really interesting!! I enjoyed reading all your asks, there are so many good points here. Throwing this under a cut because I went a bit long.

It’s interesting to think that Matt may have wrote the concept of the Nonagon before Taliesin even started planning Mollymauk. That’d be a really neat coincidence, if Molly just happened to figure perfectly into this grand relic of ancient history Matt was already mapping out. Though I think it’s just as likely Matt could’ve tweaked the Somnovum’s story to suit Molly. One thing’s for sure, and it’s that a lot of this arc of eldritch horror and Lucien’s rise to power was crafted for Taliesin specifically. 

You can see how excited he gets in certain moments with Lucien, how shocked and invested he is when that little shard of Molly bleeds through. Wherever Nonagon’s story ends, I hope Taliesin is happy with it. Similarly, I think a part of why Matt is able to show these little echoes of Molly in Lucien so well is because he knows Taliesin, and ultimately knows where he wanted to go with the character. 

As for whether Molly would’ve ever become the Nonagon himself had he lived, I feel like he was somehow spared from that fate. Partially because I feel his soul is now his own, and so he wasn’t corrupted by the Somnovum the way Lucien was. Partially because Lucien’s death might’ve temporarily severed his body’s connection with the Somnovum. Because, even with all nine Eyes, Molly was never tormented by any of Cognoza’s dreams. He wasn’t tortured by the screaming chorus or all seeing eyes in countless nightmares, didn’t get any strange abilities from the Eyes. For all intents and purposes, they were just...inactive for him. And I’m incredibly grateful he was able to avoid losing himself to this like Lucien. 

After watching the most recent episode, the Nonagon as his own character and as an extension of Lucien and Molly--well, he’s even more of a mystery to me. But I do have some thoughts. 

Something about all the Somnovum and Lucien begging the Nein to join them, to become one with them, to share in their life and power...I don’t know, it feels like an echo of when Molly was empty. Wistful, longing, desperate to hold onto something that feels real. Mollymauk found that: “Joy can fill an awful lot in a person’s life.” But this city can feed and feed, yet it will never be full. It’s cold, dead, all consuming. Empty.

Lucien the Nonagon still longs for the Nein, I think. To be near them and keep them by his side. It’s from Molly’s affection bleeding through, but processed and interpreted through Lucien’s own impressions. A bit warped and twisted by how he tries to rationalize it. “I feel like you all have some part to play still...like you’ve a use to me.” “Because try as I might, a part of me still likes them.” “Yes, that must be it. I needed witnesses...” 

They were merely more pieces to manipulate in this game of his--of course he didn’t kill them, they were useful. Or he needed an audience. Or he had to have witnesses. Time and again Lucien makes excuses for why he lets them live, lets them go, but still selfishly keeps them so close. “I left you alive? Why did I leave you alive?”

Lucien telling the Nein to join him, wanting to share in what he’s feeling with them, how he sounds so wistful and soft, “Come! It’s far prettier up here.” “I wish I could share it, but...you need to be with us. You have to be with the pattern.” Come see the view, just stop and rest awhile. It’s reminiscent of Lucien watching the sunrise with Caduceus, taking a moment to just breathe and enjoy something beautiful. 

He drives all his followers to their doom, yet still he clings to the Nein. Even after being corrupted by wasting away in Cognoza for years, shattered into broken fragments the Somnovum themselves pieced back together in their own distorted design. Lucien, the person he was before the Nonagon, whoever Cree once knew and called out to in her final moments--a part of him was a bit lost or lonely I think, desperately craving some way to stave off the “emptiness” in his own life. And maybe that was something he thought the city could provide. The power to turn dreams into reality, to grant any one of his desires. 

It’s strange, because...the Nonagon is this hungry, distorted presence of manipulation and control, an otherworldly entity that came here to obliterate the Somnovum and rule whatever remained of these ruins. The Lucien that was once a mortal man had long since been lost to this. That’s not even factoring in whatever compassionate shard of his soul was broken off and became Mollymauk. And yet, we see a gentler side of Lucien last episode, I think. He seems oddly welcoming when he sees the Nein. He wants them here with him, even if he can no longer understand why. Lucien, even while one with the Somnovum and the City, is still compelled to act on Molly’s feelings for the Nein--in his own distorted way. 

I think Lucien as the Nonagon, still feeling this ache from Molly’s heart, the way Mollymauk’s soul is still fighting and enduring within him...I think it means hope. More hope than I’ve had all campaign. Molly at least will survive this I think. And given that his soul was once part of Lucien’s, we can hope that maybe a part of Lucien’s heart, this glimpse into the better person he could’ve been--that lives on in Molly. 

[flowerflamestars]

Darlingg, (can I call you that? I'll stop if you don't want me to) have you seen the latest sneak peak? With Eris and all? I crave your thoughts on the sneak peak and I honestly have no idea what to think about it

Hi!! I have, and let me say, my feelings are mixed.

You know that sound, when you’re in a coffeeshop, and the espresso machine expunges steam? Like a muted, nicer, kettle shriek? That’s the noise my brain made seeing the sneak peek.

List, because it sparked a whole wildfire:

1. Nesta glowing!! Nesta dancing! Nesta, who conquered Death! Just the implication that she’s okay, that she’s feeling strong again? Hope, reignited. 

2. Cassian on the sidelines actually makes me...very happy? I want them together eventually, but the fact he’s just watching? So good. So, deserved? He can’t go from creepily following her, telling her she’s unlovable, being complicit in her banishment to Partner. He’s got to earn it, and frankly? I hope it aches.

3. Autumn. When the cover came out there was that whole, orange = autumn court thing? The other covers in that style aren’t super plot indicative, but it did seem weird that it wasn’t red.  Repeatedly, red is Cassian’s color. (Hello, love triangle Morrigan wearing nothing but the color of his siphons and power, never, ever Azriel’s blue or black). 

Nesta sticks to cool colors: purple (feeling strong as a mortal, going toe to toe with Cas), blue, black (severe and powerful against the high lords), flat grey (in the depths of misery), silver (for her power).

SJM does use consistent color for character cues in acotar so it seems...off? Interesting, at least. 

Which, just to divert into setting, are they in Autumn in this scene?? Are we somehow going to go from banishment > fight/healing > Nesta, being the actual Night Court emissary after they threw her away?

The plot is not what I thought, and that is both intriguing and confounding. But yes! Nesta finally...doing a thing? hopefully of her own volition? Devouring the moon? Gimme, that’s the Nesta that was always there, finally out.

4. Eris. 

Okay, so before I even talk about how I..don’t really care for this character, let’s recall what is actually canon, about Eris: 

He was engaged to Morrigan. They...I think, never met before that? Mor tried to escape the betrothal by sleeping with Cassian, invoking the ire of her family who brutally tortured her and left her for dead with a note NAILED to her body on Autumn land.

From canon, with specificity that I think implies some kind of understood rules between Courts: Eris did not touch her. 

We seem to be meant to understand that if he had, he would have been forced to take her in, to bring her into the Autumn Court. He doesn’t do that- which is perhaps both a single moment of kindness that kept them both from being trapped and, conversely, QUITE LITERALLY, leaving her for dead.

He was aware of, if not directly involved in, the death of Lucien’s lowborn lover. There’s some handwavy detail stuff over who did the the murdering, but Lucien seems to hate him for it and the feeling is definitely mutual. We don’t know what he actually did.

He wants Beron’s throne. He’s not??? Heir?? (there seems to be some sense that since Lucien was the most powerful it was feared he’d inherit because Lordship = magical destiny) But he also seems fairly sure that with proper allies and Beron dead he could seize control? We don’t know enough for this to make sense.

What we DO know is that he hates his father. Sound familiar? 

He’s on his second round of alliances with Keir, and now assured by Rhys, to come after Beron. (Which makes the Morrigan marriage thing even more suspect. If shes ‘the most powerful of her bloodline’ how does marrying her out benefit Keir? If Eris just wanted her power, why did he reject the marriage? My nascent theory is switchroo? Keir helps Eris take Autumn, Autumn helps Keir reclaim Night for his bloodline. Mutual heirs inherit two newly crowned kingdoms...so again, WHY did Eris not want Mor?)

He’s a bastard, a villain, a fucking rat...and we actually know nothing about him. HMMM?

He’s the monster in Morrigans nightmares. Because she saw him, when he found in the forest, and watched him leave? Because marrying him meant, in a very real way, doom? He makes it easy: he’s rude as hell to her, and clearly despises her right back for ??? reasons.

It would have been SO SO easy to leave him there, the monstrous asshole son of a particularly monstrous, hated High Lord. 

But the books keep bringing him back. Rhys is willing to make deals with him. Our entire main cast is now tied in with an Autumn coup in the making. 

Why?

Because sjm loves nothing more than taking a bad, bad man, and cracking him open like a walnut to say: look, I’m a monster. I know I’m a monster. But I did it to survive. For love. For a just cause. Because a greater power made me and I wanted to live.

And it’s echoed by a female character going: no, you are, but I see you.

And wiping it all away, even if the bad actions continue, because it was a Mask. A Game. See: Rhysand. Tamlins shitty forgiveness plotline. Az and Cassian’s Court of Nightmares cosplay. 

And Eris just...is not the character I’d have ever picked for redemption? (Or fucking Tamlin, for that matter) Because a weird thing happens where male asshole characters are Redeemed Through the Gaze of Love feat. inappropriate flirting and female characters who aren’t nice (not even villians! just, you know, not nice), need to apologize. To change.

Yes, I’m talking about Nesta. Because this is her book!

It’s a wildcard, but retrospectively, it’s set up in the text? Not my fav. At all. 

When we all said hey, wouldn’t it be really, really good if Nesta had a friend separate from the IC, maybe from another court? We did not mean the catchall IC boogeymen everyone maybe? justifiably wants dead. 

5. Canon outside canon. Sjm has been previously, totally open with the fact that in the original/early drafts, Nesta was actually meant for Lucien. See: the fire on her drawer. She’s always been interested in an Autumn matchup for Nesta.

We know that the villain of Nesta’s story is the Queens. 

Does Eris come in because of Lucien, who is spending all his time, hey, with one of the only Queens who isn’t evil? Does Nesta get dragged into the coup? Does Nesta involve herself in the coup because there was some question as to whether Beron might have been colluding with Hybern + ish the Mortal Queens?

6. Guys, I love a ball scene. I love this simple show of power and grace- does Nesta trust Eris or does Nesta simply, finally, trust herself? Either way, she’s killing it, and it is FUCKING CASSIAN UP. This who we always knew existed- Nesta who can play the game. Who can do the courtly bullshit, even if she has no time for it. Who is beautiful and powerful, and I hope, wearing the Most Incredible Dress. (I hope it isn’t red).

The more I think about it, the more these Nesta, Eris lines in the text revoltingly add up? Ugh. The Older Vilified Sibling who was doing their one Rebellion Against the Shitty Parent, misconstrued. Team: wow, Mor Hates Us, huh?. Team: You don’t know me, or what I’ve done. Everything We Did in War retroactively Doesn’t Matter Because We’re Assholes. Fire and Brimstone. Maybe we were fucking trapped and You Don’t Get to Judge the Escape.

Cool cool cool, I kind of hate that. Please let it be a spite dance.

In sum: the snippet both wildly renewed my interest and also I keep going ERIS?? ERIS?, but maybe it won’t be as bad as it seems. It is, after all, a very short little section and it proved at least once thing: Nesta’s going to be strong again, seemingly healthy again, and that’s all I wanted. 

p.s. (Darling is the nicest, of course you can. I call everyone kind of any iteration of ‘lovely’ or babe’, but if that ever makes you uncomfy let me know!)

[cullxtheherd]

god fuck 🙃

i am very sorry about not being here still/again, but my body has been doing some concerning things, really fast lately.

it's been so bad lately my spouse has been even handling the dishes and several meals a week on top of their job and everything else that we need. i just can't? stand and sit lately. thankfully i am married to a great person and they are doing their best at taking care of me, like?? the other night i had a crazy craving for orangeade and the local 50's style diner we get it from was closed although google said otherwise... well! they went and got oranges, lemons and a by-hand-juicer and came home and made orangeade and Y'ALL- i could have fuckin cried and i did a little in the living room when i was alone like ksjdhhfgsfh i don't deserve them, they are so good to me.

but okay despite not being able to actually function for very long outside of my bed the past month or so: i do FINALLY have a doctors appointment for the first time in seven years since being diagnosed/uninsured SO kajskjasd- soon good things will start happening again, and!! i can and will be here more often once i have a concrete way/plan to manage my pain and all the everything else. it's going to be a lot of specialist visits and me having panic attacks and ptsd issues, but it will, overall be worth it so skdjksdjfd i am excited to finally begin treatment again.

also when i get back to full activity and can function more i do have a far cry 5 themed giveaway planned and there's a certain musicbox, character specific candle and necklace up for grabs! until then, though: thank you for your patience, especially those of you that are rp partners waiting on responses/interactions- i know it has been a Time™ since i have been regularly active and WOW i am so sorry!!

but, anyways time for me to shut up and remind you that it says right here- doesn't it secretariat? that:

you are all incredibly invaluable, wonderful persons and i love you grossly!

[missmentelle]

I just watched the Netflix show You and it's been discussed but I don't really understand - in a relationship, how does one project their own views and fantasies onto another person? How can you tell if it's happening? Is there a certain point where it's normal or it can't be helped? It's happened a lot in the show but I'm having trouble identifying it. Also, I recommend watching You: it's a thoughtful take on how we view romantic relationships as a society and how that can be twisted

I absolutely love that show.  For those of you who haven’t seen the thriller show “You”, it’s about a charismatic but underachieving man named Joe who works as the manager at a bookstore in Manhattan. He meets a young grad student named Beck when she comes into his bookstore one afternoon, and is immediately infatuated with her; he is completely consumed by his desire for a relationship with her, and it becomes clear very quickly that he’s willing to go to extreme lengths to make it happen.  (Mild spoilers for Season One ahead) Joe is obsessed with Beck from the moment he lays eyes on her. But of course, he’s not really obsessed with her - he is obsessed with the person that he wants her to be. He decides - based only on her clothes, the book she buys and a three-minute conversation with her - that she’s a bookish “good girl” and an intellectual, a serious writer who values real literature and doesn’t crave men’s attention. And he’s very interested in that. She’s his Manic Pixie Dream Grad Student, whether she likes it or not. It’s clear from the very beginning that Joe thinks extremely highly of himself, and he feels entitled to a woman who is just as intelligent and sophisticated as he is - when he looks at Beck, he decides that she’s that perfect girl he’s been waiting for all along. Moreover, he decides that she’s equally interested in him - she pays for her book with a credit card, and Joe decides that she did that because she intentionally wanted Joe to learn her full name. And of course, as Joe learns more about Beck, he discovers that she’s not the artsy, aloof writer he had been envisioning in his head. She goes out drinking with friends that Joe dislikes, she has a trashy boyfriend, she posts selfies on Instagram, and doesn’t actually do any writing. But instead of deciding “oh wow, I was super wrong about this girl, I definitely got carried away”, Joe decides that the REAL Beck is the girl he fantasized about in the bookstore, and that she just needs his help to realize it. He decides that he knows what’s best for a woman who is a complete stranger to him, deliberately manipulating her life to turn her into more of the person he wants her to be, until... well, you know how it ends. 

When you first start watching You, it can be hard to understand how messed-up Joe actually is. He is the main character of the show, and the narrator. He is also capable of great kindness - he genuinely cares for the neglected child who lives in an abusive household next door - and it kinda feels like we’re supposed to root for him. After all, he just wants what’s best for Beck. He sees who she really is inside, and he knows that she deserves better than the life she has right now. He just wants her to reach her full potential and stop wasting time with people who don’t really care about her... what could be so bad about that?

The problem, of course, is that Joe doesn’t know jack shit about Beck, and he has no right to decide what is and isn’t good for her. She is a grown-ass woman, and he is a stranger she met at a bookstore. Joe claims to have good intentions, but his intentions aren’t the point here - nobody has the right to meddle in someone else’s life behind their back, no matter how much they love and care about them. When you truly care about someone, you respect their choices - Joe has absolutely no respect for the decisions Beck makes, and sees no issues with isolating, stalking and terrorizing her if it gets him what he wants. Joe claims that Beck is miserable, but we don’t know actually know that - he filters everything he sees through a very thick lens of his own self-interest. He doesn’t allow her basic autonomy to choose what matters to her. Beck is not actually a real person to Joe - she is a prize that he wants to win.

Think about the show from Beck’s perspective - you’re an adult, with your own whole, complete life. You have friends, dreams, a boyfriend, guilty pleasures. You make bad choices sometimes, sure, but they are YOUR choices, and you have the freedom to make them. And then you walk into a shop one day and the man behind the counter suddenly decides that you’re his soulmate and it’s now his job to make decisions for you. You barely know this guy, but he thinks he has the right to control your life - he wants to control who you date, who you talk to, and how you spend your time. Imagine doing something as ordinary as paying for a book with your credit card, and having the person behind the counter interpret this as evidence that you want them to Google you and come to your house. The very idea of it is terrifying. 

The plot of You is obviously a huge dramatization, but the same dynamic does appear in real-life abusive relationships. Abusers often have very specific ideas about what their ideal partner should be like, and they believe - consciously or unconsciously - that they are “owed” this person. When they meet someone, they tend to decide extremely quickly that THIS is finally the person they’ve been waiting for all along. They don’t really feel the need to get to know the person as an individual - they assume that they already know everything they need to know about the person, and that the relationship will be effortless. When that inevitably doesn’t pan out because their partner is a real person with needs and flaws, they get angry and the abuse starts to come out - they try harder and harder to control their partner and force them back into being the perfect person they’d envisioned, and they lash out angrily when that doesn’t work. 

Although it’s nowhere near as extreme as what happened in You, I’ve had my own experiences with dating someone who was projecting their fantasies on me. My long-term college boyfriend was several years older than me, and already finished with grad school while I was still an undergrad. As the relationship went on, it became very clear that he was looking for a meek, nerdy girl who would appreciate his geek interests but never try to overshadow him. He strongly encouraged me to do the nerdy thing he approved of - cosplaying, attending conventions, playing D&D - but didn’t want me wearing makeup (I wear winged liner every day of my life), dyeing my hair strange colours (which I used to do quite often as a student) or even wearing my contact lenses instead of glasses (I got contacts the moment I was old enough and haven’t been seen in my glasses since). He was hugely threatened by the fact that I took my academics seriously, and he freaked out when I was accepted to an Ivy League grad school because “it would be so humiliating to have a girlfriend who went to a better school than I did”. He had a very specific vision of the kind of girlfriend he wanted to have, and he was prepared to try to stamp out the parts of me that didn’t align with what he wanted.  It’s okay to have standards and expectations for the kind of partner you want to have. That’s normal. I’d argue that it’s necessary. Speaking from personal experience, life is a lot easier when you expect your partners to have mastered basic communication and coping skills. And sometimes you will need to look for a partner who has very specific traits - if your dream is to have 12 children and live on a goat farm, you need to find a partner who is on board with that goal. It’s also fine to have preferences in terms of aesthetics, interests and lifestyles - we’re always going to have certain things that we find appealing, and it’s okay to be into that. What’s not okay is to have such rigid expectations about how our future partner will look, dress and behave that we can’t cope with not getting our exact fantasy. It’s fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring would be awesome. It’s not fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring is the answer to all your problems. And it’s definitely not fine to latch on to the first quirky art major with a nose ring that you can find, and then punish them when they turn out to be a complex human with real issues and not just a living doll. Whenever you’re dating, it’s important to remember that you are dating a real, live human, and not a cartoon character. They are going to grow and change, and they are going to have flaws, off-days and traits that don’t match up with your fantasies. Your punky goth girlfriend is going to have days where she just wants to lounge around the house in her pajamas and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Your tough, manly lumberjack boyfriend might have a super sensitive gag reflex and spend an awful lot of time on the phone with his mom. We’re all weird, and each of us needs to have the freedom to be our own kind of weird in a relationship - if you find that your desire to be with someone is extremely dependent on their appearance, dress, weight, hobbies, friends, job, etc, and you can’t handle not having control over those things, you aren’t ready to date.  The other big red flag to look for here is how fast someone rushes the relationship. If you’re projecting your fantasies on someone, you don’t really feel much need to get to know them - like Joe, you’re pretty sure that you know everything that you need to know about them soon after meeting. You are fully expecting this person to be the fantasy partner you desire, and so there’s no point waiting to see how the relationship goes - within weeks, you’re ready to move in together, adopt a pet together, and even get engaged. If you’re convinced that a person you met three weeks ago is your soulmate, it’s time to stop and take a hard look at things - you don’t know a person you meet three weeks ago, and you have no idea if they’re your soulmate or not. You are trying to date a fantasy and not a real person.  Hope this answers your question! MM

[moonlightchris]

𝕾𝖎𝖒𝖕 𝕾𝖚𝖓𝖉𝖆𝖞 // 𝕾𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖞 𝕾𝖚𝖓𝖉𝖆𝖞

🌕 𝖂𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖜𝖔𝖑𝖋 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓

Super long ass rant ahead yall don't have to read lol no taggies

~~~

So, uh, today it's kind of a different Simp Sunday. As you may notice, I added Story Sunday there too, something someone Chris knows brought up once. I'm not saying this is going to be a regular thing, just... Today I want to do things this way. I have things I want to get out, I have some explanations I want to let out there too. For a few people specifically, I guess. And it's completely up to you to read though it all or not, so don't feel forced to. I guess this is just a walkthrough of my last two months.

Last Sunday I said I was going to get my shit together, and this is a big part of it. Because everything around me keeps moving, and people lets go of things and moves on too and I continue to feel like I am stuck in the same place I was weeks ago. And it sucks.

I've been writing this over and over for the past couple of days, I've been using names and deleting them and changing them and writing them again. Wondering if it would even be fair to bring stuff up or if it would even be safe to mention some. Wondering if its worth it. I'm so good at keeping things to myself. So good at drowning alone. But it's too hard. It's too hard to be considerate with everyone but me. It's too hard looking for ways to make my words sound a way I don't feel. It's so so hard to care for everyone around and let go of opportunities and experiences out of my own fear of hurting someone else. So I'm sorry beforehand, just in case. I don't know how this will come out but I'm losing nothing, I guess...

Today I'm simping for myself. But for real. Today I'm putting myself first and allowing myself to care for me. Not because I'm pretty, against popular belief of our egos being too high. But because I'm a good person. And I need to let things out.

I'm a great person.

I'm always putting others first. I'm always pushing my problems aside to help out. I'm always listening to everyone. I'm always asking everyone how they're doing, if they need help, if they need anyone to talk to. I'm always making time for people when they're in a bad place. And I don't expect nothing in exchange! I really don't! I take care of the guys, I take care of the pack, I take care of my babies. I push my needs and wants aside as long as that keeps people out of troubles, as long as it doesn't get anyone in uncomfortable places. I constantly put the pack first over what I crave.

I am a good person.

So why do I have to be this broken? Why do I have to feel like nothing ever works out for me nor will work out? Why do I have to feel like my heart gets ripped out every time someone that matters to me chooses someone else? Why do I have to settle with what I'm given? Why do I have to put up with it in fear of making her sad? Why do I have to put up with people leaving me when I have never not ONCE left anyone behind in my life?

It's so fucked up. It's like the entire universe plotted against me.

I've had to see friends leave, family, lovers... I've been made to feel like complete and utter crap. I've been stepped over like a rug so many fucking times. I've been made to feel like I'm not enough. Like I'm lacking. Like I could and should be doing better.

Mostly by my own self.

And I'm tired of it.

For the longest time I thought it was me. Maybe I'm just a bad at love? Maybe it's not meant for me? I can be good at loving. But it doesn't mean I'm good at love, right?

Like, I love Jihyo. So much. I really do and she knows and she loves me too, she says, yet she can't be with me. Am I really that bad? And she just goes out and starts dating someone new in no time and I'm still here fucking whipped and hiding my hurt because I'm tired and I just wanna get over it and I don't want to hurt her more talking it out but it fucking sucks. I thought we had something. Maybe it was just me being dense and stupid? I lead myself to believe things that weren't happening? Did I break my own heart? I'm happy she's still living life and moving on, but why can't I do the same? What's stopping me? What am I holding onto?

Or Leehi. I loved Leehi so much. I really did. She made me feel needed. She made me feel important. She gave me all the feelings I needed to feel from a partners. And she did love me too, or that's what she said? Did she really love me or did she just love the idea of me, what I represented? The idea of having someone next to her. She still left me. She said it was too hard and left me just like that, I wasn't enough. What I offered wasn't enough. And I guess I'm proud of her for making her worth known, but it still hurt. And it broke me. It hurt so fucking bad.

Even my supposed mate left. We clicked but not like we should. She loved me, she loved the pack, but she couldn't take care of them, of me. I wasn't there for her either. I was a trashy boyfriend, I couldn't give her what she needed. What she wanted. I put her on a position she wasn't ready to face. At least that's what I keep telling myself. That we had to part ways because we weren't good for each other. But maybe I just wasn't good for her. Maybe I'm not good for anyone.

Every time I love someone like that I somehow find a way to drive them away. I find a way to fuck it up. And I feel so alone. Maybe it's just my wolf talking, maybe it's really how I feel. But i feel so alone. And the worst part? Now that someone seems to actually love me like I deserve I'm so scared. I'm so so scared. Because I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to hurt myself either. Not anymore.

And it's not fair because I want to give myself a chance. I want to give love a chance but it's so hard. And that's when I begin to think again that I'll hurt people, and that everyone deserves better than me. Because no one deserves someone scares of loving. What good can I do if I'm scared of doing the one thing I claim to want so much?

Wow. That was one hell of a word vomit.

Anyway, where I'm trying to get with all of this is... The reason why I've been lacking so much the past few weeks, months... Its because I felt I wasn't enough. I wasn't worth it. I felt I had to do better. And all these things have been weighing me down so much. Holding me back.

So today I'm simping for me. Because maybe you deserve better from me, but I deserve better from myself too. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel enough. So this is my first step.

I'm letting go of everything that hurts me and I'm starting brand new. I'm starting better. Or I'm going to try, at least.

—

No taggies