#I don't know how to went from having a brain child to having a 13 page chapter one

[ishipthis]

So I know that you're all patiently waiting for the next chapter of I didn't see this coming, and it's on its way, I promise. (Unexpected emergency room visit be damned!) Butttt in an unexpected turn of events, during all the shenanigans, me and one of my absolute favourite people @gleektasticklaine started writing a new fic together that is going to blow your minds!

Seriously, we are SO EXCITED about it.

So yes, I didn't see this coming IS coming. BUT, so is something else, and it will cruising in to Ao3 and your dashboards sooner than you think. ;)

It's going to be a splash!

[allieslittlewritings]

*not my gif <3

Baby Girl

Summary: Spencer getting a baby daughter

Set in: Season 13-14

Warnings: Spoilers for seasons 8-13 of Criminal Minds, vague mention of abortion, bad writing, an oc!mom

Word count: 900-1k

A/n: I've never posted a fic before so if this sucks and nobody sees it I'm sorry <3

★

Spencer always thought in an ideal world, he would have children.

He never bothered to think of how many, knowing that would be more up to his future wife than to him.

He'd always just assumed he'd get married before having children one day.

After everything that had happened to him, Maeve dying, going to prison, the shit Cat had pulled, finding out his mom had Altzheimer's, and everything else that was certainly less than ideal, he'd started to think more and more that he simply wasn't meant to be a dad.

When a girl he'd only gone on a few dates with, months ago, told him she needed to talk to him, he was confused.

Emma was a nice girl, they just didn't fit well together so their relationship didn't last long.

She'd asked him to meet her at a random coffee shop.

He had the idea of her being pregnant for one second before he convinced himself that was ridiculous.

He entered the coffee shop Emma had chosen and went to sit accross from her.

Some boring small talk followed about how their careers and lives were going.

"Spencer, I'm pregnant." Emma finaally blurted out, clearly nervous.

Spencer had heard a lot of radicalizing things in his life.

A lot of unexpected things had happened to him.

In his line of work, a lot of things altered his perspective and way of thinking.

This one was different.

"You're..." He trailed off in shock.

"Look, I'm gonna be honest, I don't want the baby, but I'm too far along now to get an abortion. I'm about to start looking for potential adoptive parents, but I thought maybe you'd want input on who it goes to, too."

As muddled and confused as Spencer's brain felt, he immediately replied, "No. I'll take it. I mean, I'll take care of it. Of the baby."

"Are you sure you want to do that? You've already got a lot on your plate..." She pointed out.

"I'm sure." He said softly, without an ounce of hesitation.

★

Spencer was in an odd haze everytime he remembered he was about to become a parent.

He knew it wouldn't be easy, taking care of a child and having such a demanding job.

But he also knew he could never live with the knowledge that he had a child somewhere and they're not with them.

If they're with him, he can keep them safe.

He could make sure his child didn't grow up alone, like he did.

★

Spencer and his baby's mother sat quietly in a waiting room.

Spencer was attending his first ultrasound.

He sat, in thought.

A nearly empty cup of coffee in his right hand.

His lip was being lightly picked at with his left.

He took one last sip of his coffee and went to throw the now empty cup away.

His sweaty hands were starting to annoy him.

The restless feeling wouldn't go away.

Emma's name was called and the pair went into the ultrasound room.

Spencer picked at his fingers as he watched Emma and the ultrasound tech set everything up.

Lost in thought, he didn't hear any of the little things the women talked about.

Everything in him froze when he heard it.

A heartbeat.

His baby's heartbeat.

"So, would you like to know the baby's gender?" The doctor asked.

The women looked at Spencer, waiting for an answer.

He stood dumbfoundedly, staring at the grainy image of his baby on the moniter.

Their heartbeat still the loudest, best thing he'd ever heard.

"Spencer?" Emma gently nudged him.

Spencer finally snapped out of his haze and quickly wiped away a stray tear rolling down his face.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" The doctor asked again.

"Uh, no. No, I want it to be a surprise." His eyes remained on the moniter, he couldn't pull his eyes away from it.

★

Spencer prepared for the day Emma gave birth as best he could.

He was actually grateful for his sabbaticals now, it gave him a lot more prep time.

He read about a hundred books on labor and childbirth.

And give or take twice as many on actual parenting and child care.

He did as much research as humanly possible.

But one thing he'd learned over the years, is no matter how much research you do or how many books you read, the actual topic you're researching and preparing for is never quite the same.

★

His anxiety in the last few weeks before the baby came skyrocketed.

Worry overtook him nearly every minute of the day.

What if he hasn't done enough?

What if there's something important that slipped his mind?

What if he'll actually be a terrible father and he'll mess up the best thing to ever happen to him?

What if he-

"It's a girl!" The doctor announced.

Much like when he heard his daughter's heartbeat for the first time, he froze.

A girl.

He had a daughter.

She was here.

He watched as the doctors and nurses scurried around doing things, to make sure his baby was well and healthy.

His baby.

He had a baby.

He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

Covered in blood and vernix, his daughter.

Her loud, very infant-like cries filled the room.

Not a new sound to the doctors, they continued with their routine work.

It was the most grounded Spencer had felt in months.

She was here.

His baby was here and she needed him almost as much he needed her.

★

Spencer tiredly rubbed his eyes, the wide range of emotions from the day catching up to him.

He walked tiredly to the room where Y/N was, a hint of confusion on his face.

The exhaustion was evident in his posture and his droopy eyes.

But now was not the time to sleep, he was walking to go be with his daughter.

He entered the room she was in and sat down in a chair next to the basin his baby lay in.

"Hi," He whispered to her, gently resting his hand on her tiny stomach.

His baby gurgled and looked up at him with big eyes.

A tired smile graced his face as he gently stroked his daughter's head.

He could stay there forever.

Just him and his daughter.

She was the most the beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"We're gonna be okay, aren't we?" He quietly asked her.

His baby gripped his finger with her hand, continuing to quietly make baby noises.

"Yeah. We're gonna be okay."

fin. ♡

[omglisalithium]

I've noticed that Omega has been getting a lot of hate in TBB fandom after s2e9 was released. My own partner even stated "ugh Omega's such a twat" during his watch of the episode. As someone who's seen season 1 over 50 times and every episode of season 2 at least twice, I want to just remind everyone of a few things:

1. Omega was raised on Kamino as a medical assistant. We have to assume she's seen some shit just from that.

2. She left Kamino (her home) and Nala Se (the closest thing she's had to a parental figure) behind.

3. She lost her brother (Crosshair) to the Empire.

4. She literally had no idea what fun was or how to have it until s1e2 when she met Cut and Suu's kids. This is something she still seems to struggle with as we see in s2e2 when Romar has to explain to her that what he gave her is a toy and that it makes people happy.

5. She has killed. I don't have an official body count but she kills quite a few people during the series. Why the Batch haven't given her a blaster set to stun is beyond me. Sure, the bow is cool but it's fatal because it always uses live rounds.

6. Bounty hunters were after her and she almost got taken once in s1e4 and then actually taken in s1e8. The show doesn't touch on it, but I bet she thought Cad Bane had killed Hunter and she had no way of knowing for sure until she heard his voice on her comm.

7. She saw Wrecker almost kill the Batch and Rex and then almost her. She knew it was the chip but still, shit like that leaves a mark.

8. She was in Tipoca City as it was being bombarded, almost lost Crosshair to drowning, and almost drowned herself while trying to save the last piece she had of her past (AZI)

9. She watched Crosshair willingly leave again, right after she lost Tipoca City forever.

10. She has almost died too many times to count. I still remember watching the scene in s2e1 where she, Tech, and Echo are falling with the container and there's a zoom on her eyes as she screams and I just thought "she's going to have nightmares and flashbacks from this, she's going to break this season."

11. She was brought along to see the mystery clone's body in s2e8. I literally went "What the fuck are you all doing?! Don't show her the dead body!" while watching it. Echo had the most sense in that scene when he tried to gently move her away. The look that she was giving in the scene was heartbreaking.

12. Echo left the team.

13. She lost her home (the Marauder) again. And the show doesn't touch on this but she lost Gonky too.

14. She is a LITERAL CHILD. If she is aging normally, her brain is not developed enough to really process all these traumatic events in a healthy way.

Let me know if I missed anything but yeah that's most of it. Some of these things would make even the most calm and mature adult go insane, let alone a child. Her entire world, everything she has ever known has fallen apart since the Empire took over. She keeps losing more and more things and we have to remember that. Imagine going through all of that and then hearing "what is your issue?" That would be the last straw for you too.

[ovtsakaramel]

Do you have anymore finnick/odesta head cannons i loved your first one!

So sorry this took some time to answer but heres the hcs

🩵Finnick never wanted piercings or tattoos or anything like this but when he had a crush on Annie and saw the kinds of guys she's into he just went to her and asked her to pierce his ear. She, with the experience of piercings her friends, agreed and was just so happy that he trusts her and actually talks to her, and not talking to her only when she goes to annoy him, immediately says yes. His ear got infected the next day but he didn't let her see him until he managed to get it under control so she won't feel guilty and he won't be like that one kid who got an Infection while all the others are cool and edgy. He ended up loving it, but no needles touched his body again.

🩵Finnick has some days where he just locks himself in his house and doesn't do anything and just sits there until the pain eats him alive and he falls asleep. The stinging rotting from the inside covering each organ, his mind already lost and there is nothing but the last face. Then the others. He's back there. The skin starts rotting too from every hit of the imaginary touch. The two rots meet each other in the middle layer of his body and send the destroying fire. He's numb now. Didn't move for the whole day. The numbness goes to his brain and he shuts down. The next morning he wakes up to a knocking too loud to be from anyone other than the woman always ready for an argument, the victor of last year's games - Annie Cresta.

"Wake up you piece of actual fucking shit! Finnick Odair! Wake up, motherfucking idiot!" The only thing that could make him wake up was a voice this annoying. The only motivation to wake up every morning was the hope that he could win in a fight with her. She was his only hope.

"Do I still bring you hope?" Annie is laying on his chest, he dark brown hair shining with a red essence from the morning sun. The red from the anger he had to her once was now the calming red of love that hits her hair with the sun.

"You're both my thirteenth reason and my only reason, fucking spawn of Satan." She throws the blanket over him and stands up, putting her red panties on. Well, maybe he didn't like red on her in one way. "Hey, take them off again, why standing up?"

"I'm mad." She says.

" -ly in love with me?" He gives her puppy eyes.

"Asshole. What you said it's not true."

"That you're my only reason to live? Or that you are my 13th reason?"

"That you have only 13 reasons"

"Ouch." Well, it didn't actually hurt. Sometimes making jokes was the only way to get through it. Thank God he had a girlfriend that can't take anything seriously.

She puts his shirt on and starts doing her makup. At that moment, he realized - there was another reason to live: to learn how tf can this 20 year old woman have the line drawing skills of a 3 year old child. And know that many swear words for every time she fucked up her eyeliner.

[All of these are headcanons that I planned to write separately, but I felt like if I did a car was gonna hit me tmrw] ok so this was also a little not really thought off and it's just a silly thing don't look a lot into if it's realistic or not

🩵Annie despises being called darling. But she is a sucker for baby and doesn't give a fuck about how cringe it is, she is cringe and will never stop being. She calls Finnick angel because since they kissed for the first time, there was nothing more ethereal and unhumanly nice than the man she used to despise.

🩵Annie may not cook, but she is a fire bartender.

🩵Finnick once stole a cigarette from Annie and will never tell her because she would make sure that he doesn't touch one again.

"Why can you do it then?"

"Because I'm fucked up and don't matter, I'm already way too far gone! I'm crazy! And you matter!"

"I'm far worse than you."

"Well I'm too far gone in loving you." She snaps the cigarette from his hand and takes a smoke.

[maxident-xx]

you know what. fuck it. *posts entire phony wip in here*

WC : 3628

@wabatle @sillynene-13 since yall like phony

Chapter One - 02/01/2XXX

Death Corps. Everyone feared the four knocks on the door. Four, the unlucky number. That's when the Death Corps recruiters would come, forcing you to join the army. Everyone had to join, starting at the age of 13. I think they started doing it because of the amount of wars that have been going on lately. They need more soldiers to defend our crappy country. There were two ways you could get out of serving in the Death Corps: if you had some serious disability or if you were filthy rich. If you paid enough money, you could avoid going for half a year. If you keep paying, when you turn 35, they stop caring. My parents have been using the payment method of saving my brother and I for the past few years, up until now. The four dreaded knocks. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

I silently ran downstairs to overhear the conversation between my dad and the recruiter. The recruiter was a woman with blonde hair and dark brown roots. She had dark siren eyes and was dressed in an all black attire. She was utterly terrifying.

“Yes, Mr. Terry Black? We're here to enlist Mallory Poppy Black and Fitz Aster Black for their necessary Death Corps Service. We didn't receive any payment, and in the Death Corps Handbook, Section 37B it states if there is no payment to spare yourself from serving for a month, a Death Corps recruiter is obligated to come and take you or your children to training.”

“Recruiter, ma'am, we might've run out of money, but please don't do this to my kids. I'll pay double the amount next year.”

“I'm so sorry, Mr. Black. I cannot do that, I don't make the rules. I listen to the handbook. Can you please call them over?”

“Mallory, Fitz! Come down!” 

I went down first, my twin brother, Fitz, following shortly after. His face paled as he recognized the skull embroidered on the recruiters uniform.

“You're shitting me,” Fitz choked out.

“I'm so sorry,” My dad chanted as he squeezed us. “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, please stay safe, my babies,” He was beginning to cry now. I bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to sob with him.

“Come with me, you two,” The recruiter ordered. Fitz and I followed her to her van. “Everyone in Death Corps has a code name. Mine is Guerilla. I am not telling you my real name, as per Death Corps Handbook section 1B. You two need to serve 18 months each.” She reapplied her cherry red lipstick before starting the van. “I'll be picking up more kids after. If any of you guys try to escape, you will suffer immediate consequences. What are they? You don't want to know.” 

“Guerilla scares me,” Fitz whispered.

“Real, if I have to serve in her regiment I don't know what I would do,” I whispered back. I couldn't shake the question off my brain, why can't she say her real name? Is it for privacy reasons? What if we did find her real name?

For those of you reading this story, sorry to interrupt, but I'm Mallory and I hate my life. My parents are divorced because they have absolutely no love for each other. The world is at a constant state of war. My twin brother is a weirdo. I probably won't get to eat mint chocolate chip ice cream for the next 18 months. But it could be worse?

The next person that boarded the van is some kid who looks our age. He was too busy crying to say anything about himself.

After that there was this one kid who just stared off into space for three minutes before talking. “My sister is in the Death Corps. I wonder how she's doing. She's almost done with her service.”

“What's her name, child?” Guerilla asked from the front seat.

“Eden. Eden Mendoza. I'm Wren, her little sibling,” The kid said. I could not tell the gender of that thing, and apparently, neither could anyone else.

“Oh, Himmel. Her left leg's been completely blown off I tell ya. Blood everywhere, it flew six or seven feet away from her, what a sight! But don't worry, she's doin’ better,” Guerilla informed. 

Fitz and I looked at each other, eyes both wide. The boy started crying harder. Wren's mouth was agape. “Her- Her leg was blown off??”

“Mhm, that's not even the worst I've witnessed on the battlefield. She uses a prosthetic leg now.” The fact Guerilla could say that with such a straight face shows how traumatizing serving for the Death Corps would be. I can't wait. (That's sarcasm, for those of you who are a little slow.)

After Guerilla collected all of the recruits, there were a total of eight people in the back of the van. Four boys, three girls, and one whatever the hell Wren was. The oldest in the van was a 21 year old man, the youngest was Wren, being 14 years old.

When we arrived at the camp, boy, was it crowded. There were varying expressions, from people trembling and crying to people being… excited to be here? You have a 51.6% death rate from serving in Death Corps, and you're excited? I wish I was that optimistic about dying. 

“Mallory, if I die, please hide my phone from Dad. One wrong click and he's going to bring me back from the dead and kill me again,” Fitz told me. I wonder how he'd feel knowing two years after he said that, I went through his phone and found out exactly why he said that.

“Same goes with me. If Dad found the drawings in my sketchbook, I'm done for.” I've never gotten along with Fitz well, but I guess it's easier to talk with someone when you're both in a life-or-death situation.

A loud siren came from way up front and a man who appeared to be around his mid-30's stepped up on the podium. “Welcome all Death Corps recruits. I am Eifrit, the current General of Death Corps. You are all gathered here today to serve your required 18 month term. You will undergo training and testing to decide which subunit is the most fitting for you. We wish the best for you, and as our founder would say, ‘Experiri non mori.’ Thank you.”

I think I'm going to start writing my suicide note. Death Corps, you guys can get a special shout out.

Chapter Two - 02/01/2XXX

“Alright, everyone from van SK431 come to this side! I will be doing a fitness test to see if you are fit to be in battle. I will be doing this with the aid of my helper, Andromeda. Introduce yourself, Andromeda!” Guerilla announced.

Andromeda was slightly shorter than Guerilla and had a nose piercing, a mole above her lips, split dyed black and white hair, and purple eyes that seemed as if they lost the glimmer in them a long time ago. “Hello trainees, my name is Andromeda, as Guerilla said, and I serve as a medic in the Death Corps. I will be doing a full body examination, and then we will run some exercises to test your stamina, dexterity, and strength. Any questions before we begin?”

“Ew a full body exam?? Are we going to like, have to strip naked or something?” Some ugly boy exclaims. He was one of the guys that were excited to be here.

“I don't want to see your small dick either, buddy. I have to do this, unfortunately.” Most of the group burst into laughter as whoever that guy was tried to come up with a comeback.

“Oh yeah? Well I bet um… Um… I bet you uh… You smell bad?!” That was the worst attempt at an insult I've ever seen.

Andromeda ignored his statement and moved onto the actual inspections. Fitz went first in a dingy tent with a caduceus on the front. He came back ten minutes later traumatized.

This part is icky and I'm sure you don't want to read it so I'll skip to the part after the whole medical exams. There were person shaped targets lined up and we were each handed a pistol. 

“You all have to shoot the targets. You get two tries, we'll be looking for people that have great accuracy,” Guerilla explained. “You kid, you're up first.”

Wren closed an eye and got into shooting position. The bullet hit a perfect bullseye.

“How did you do it? It was probably just a lucky shot!” A guy shouted.

“I'm used to shooting, my parents taught me when I was younger to prepare me for this. I prefer sniping more, though,” Wren said.

“You're hella good kid, shoot again?” Guerilla rested an arm on their shoulder. They nodded before getting back into position and shooting again, this time a little off from the bullseye. Guerilla wrote something down on a paper and let the weird guy– who's name I later learned was Lawrence– shoot. He used both his shots immediately and just barely hit the target. Guess we know who isn't going to be a shooter. Fitz was after two other people, and he did average. He hit pretty close to the bullseye the first time, and hit somewhere on the outer edges on the second try. I went last, and I had a stunning realization: I need glasses. And I need to find out which eye was my dominant eye. 

“Loser,” Fitz snickered. I elbowed him.

“This is why you're the one that was an accident,” I retorted. He didn't say anything back.

“Next up is close combat! Since there are eight people gathered here, we'll do this tournament style!” Guerilla seemed a little too enthusiastic to watch people fight each other.

First match was some random girl against Fitz. I'm not sure if pitting a girl against a boy is a good idea but equal rights, equal fights. The other recruits, Guerilla, and I watched as Fitz and the girl threw punches at each other. Fitz landed a punch on her nose, and I think something in that girl snapped because she kicked him right where it hurts the most. Everyone felt the pain Fitz felt as he fell to the ground with a groan.

“I win!” The girl smiled. She held her hand out to help Fitz up, but he swatted it away.

“I'm in extreme pain, I don't think I can get up yet,” Fitz groaned. Who's the loser now?”

“I know you can do it, Fitz. Get up if you want to survive,” Guerilla walked towards him and slightly nudged him with her foot. He got up immediately and stood right next to me.

I let him rest his arm on my shoulder as the next match started. It was Wren versus the 21 year old. Okay, these matches are getting a bit unfair now, aren't they? Wren probably just started going through puberty and they're fighting someone who's old enough to drink? The match started with Wren charging directly at the man, and the man retaliated by body slamming Wren on the floor. The thud was loud, but the silence after Wren's eyes closed was louder. 

“That was a child? You could've gone easier on the thing!” Guerilla squatted to feel Wren's pulse. “They're still alive, I'll go call Andromeda. You shouldn't have done that during training, but I like your attitude, man. You better show the same strength on the battlefield, soldier. I'll be back soon. Mallory, you look after everyone.”

The sound of Guerilla's boots hitting the ground decrescendoed as she left the training site. The man looked down on the floor where Wren laid and sat down. “Damn,” He said.

Damn indeed. 

Guerilla returned with Andromeda, who came to pick Wren up, with another girl by her side. She had the same chocolate eyes and facial structure as Wren. The doctor's coat and skirt were long, but not enough to cover the prosthetic leg she had. Was she Himmel? 

“Wren has a minor concussion, but they'll be fine with a little rest. When they wake up, tell them big sis says hi.” Himmel patted their hair before getting up. “Andromeda will supply the medicine to quicken recovery.”

“Thank you, Himmel. I'll tell you when the kid wakes up again.” Guerilla seemed like a genuinely nice person outside of the battlefield. “In the meantime, let's have our third match. Mallory versus Lewis.”

Lewis was the kid that was crying the whole trip here. When the match started, he stood and waited for me to attack. I was about to do the same until I realized that it was a pussy move. So I kicked his shins hard. He fell to the floor immediately and begged for mercy. I think what happened to Wren scared him.

“Mallory wins… I guess. I don't think that counts as much of a win, but great job?” Guerilla stared at Lewis with a pitiful expression. “I don't know what I'm going to do with you. Alright, fourth match starts in a minute!”

“You only won because Lewis is weak. If you went against anyone else, you'd lose,” Fitz told me. 

“You're not wrong.” I weigh 100 pounds and I am 5’6, of course I would lose against anyone that wasn't Lewis.

The fourth match was Lawrence versus a girl. These people need to say their names. I'm going to confuse the readers by saying “this girl” or “this guy” for the millionth time. I should use adjectives to make it a little easier to differentiate. Pink haired girl. That works.

Back to the story, I watched Lawrence win against the pink haired girl, but she put up a pretty strong fight. She seems normal, unlike Lawrence. She was crying a little in the van, but now she looks like she's just accepted her fate. Girl same. 

“What a fight, huh? Most of you guys did great. After Wren wakes up, we'll do an obstacle course,” Guerilla declared. An obstacle course doesn't sound too bad. I'm pretty quick, I have experience. By experience I mean running away from my brother after I eat the last piece of cake. But I'm sure it won't be that bad, right?

Right?

Chapter Three - 02/01/2XXX

I was wrong. It was that bad.

Wren woke up 30 minutes later after Andromeda and Himmel visited, confused. Hope they didn't get amnesia. Guerilla gave them some of the pain medication, but other than the confusion they seemed alright. 

“Sorry for knocking you out and giving you a concussion or something,” Wren's opponent apologized.

“It's okay. Maybe. I understand why you did that, I would've done the same.” Wren forced a smile. Really shitty apology, but good on them for accepting(?) it.

“Okay, now that Wren is back, it's time for the obstacle course. I'm tired of explaining so this should make sense. Y'all have seen obstacle courses before. Coming back in one piece is optional, I'll tell Andromeda to wait at the end and I'll stay here and make sure none of you losers cheat.” Guerilla does not get paid enough to deal with us and I feel her. 

It started with loser boy Lewis tripping and falling face first on the mud. I- along with many others- ran over him. Sorry Lewis. We had to jump hurdles, which almost led to my downfall. After that, it was climbing a cliff and landing the jump on a mattress. 

You get what happens during obstacle courses. I was neck to neck with pink haired girl for most of it until the final stretch, where I made it first. Fitz was third and Wren was behind him. Lewis was last, as always. This boy is a true example of a loser, Fitz, not me.

Guerilla decided to give us a break before starting an… intelligence test? Lawrence failed, as expected. Zero questions right, how does that happen? Fitz got half the questions right. I got 80%, good for me. Wren got one more question right than I did. I got outscored by a 14 year old. I need to evaluate my life choices.

“Folks, since we've completed all the tests, y'all get a break and tomorrow morning we have an assembly. There, you will get sorted into groups based on your performance today. I'm going to drink until I pass out, don't disturb me, your dorms are over there.” Guerilla pointed to a rundown shack. 

I only had one word when I walked in. Gross. Even my brother's underwear doesn't smell as bad as this place.

When I stepped in, it smelled like literal ass. There were four bunk beds, so I played safe and got a bunk above Fitz. The shower was freezing, but it felt refreshing to be able to shower. 

“Guys, appear normal. The troop leaders are doing a check on every training regiment and I want a raise. If you're on your best behavior, I'll let you sleep in an extra five minutes.” Guerilla entered our shack 45 minutes later when most of us were all freshened up. 

Waiting didn't take too long, because it was only two minutes after Guerilla announced a troop leader was arriving when one actually did.

Dear readers, I don't usually find anyone that attractive. But this troop leader? God damn, when I tell you she was fine! She had light blue hair that went to her lower back, a scar that started from her nose to above her right eye, electric blue eyes, and a tank top that revealed her arm muscles. She had a black cap sporting the Death Corps emblem on too. She looked scary in a different way than Guerilla did.

“This the training regiment from van SK431, correct? May I see the results of the tests?” She inquired. “To those who don't know me, my name is Lupus. I'm troop leader 172. Some of you guys might be in my troop, depending on your scores.” Please Lord let that be me. “Hey, Guerilla. This year we have a lot of interesting candidates, hm?”

“Yup,” Guerilla agreed, passing Lupus the papers with our scores, “Sirens little cousin is here, right? Van AE382? I recall working with Siren. Cool guy.”

“Mhm. He was a beast on the battlefield. Let's pray his little cousin is like that.” Even I have heard of Siren. One of the Death Corps best recruits. He killed a bunch of people and showed zero remorse. He left after his term was up, however. The top generals would pay him millions if it meant he would come back. If his cousin was coming here, maybe they would be just as badass as Siren.

Lupus examined the papers, eyes widening at some. “You have some good recruits, Guerilla, but…” Lupus whispered the second part to Guerilla.

“Mmm, we're probably going to put ‘im in the clean-up crew. Scores are underwhelming compared to everyone else in the group.” Of course they're talking about Lewis. The same Lewis who was, for some reason, fast asleep. For context, it was 5:21 pm. 

Lupus and Guerilla chatted about tomorrow and sorting us into troops. I also heard something about code names. The code names they suggested for me before they actually chose my current one were bad. If I had to tell people my name was Speedy I would leave Death Corps even if it meant they would hunt me down. I'll reveal what my code name was at a later point. For now, back to Lupus.

She left our shack, taking the papers to the higher ranks. Guerilla praised us and told us we were good little children for behaving and we would get our 5 minutes of extra sleep. Are we going to have our lesson on coloring in the lines next? Are we going to learn the alphabet? Guerilla was only three years older than the oldest person in our training regiment, so her treating us like kindergarteners doesn't make much sense.

The rest of the day was pretty eh. It was just me doodling in my sketchbook and talking to the only two people I was okay with talking to.

Lights out came shortly after I had finished one of my drawings. I can barely fall asleep on normal days, so of course me being on a bed that felt like a brick made it even worse. The next day we would finally figure out who would go where for extra training based on our strengths and weaknesses. I was going to be separated from Fitz and Wren. I was going to be in a war that changed everything.

Chapter Three Point Five - Why am I Here??

I should interrupt the story with some Death Corps lore. It all started with the war for more land. Humans are selfish beings, they always want more than what they have. they were willing to do anything for some land that was discovered. That land also happened to have a bunch of resources and riches, so that made the wars much worse. The war has been going on for just about a decade now. Every army is different, but in the country I'm in, it has the infamous Death Corps. Death Corps was founded by two siblings, Shams and Qamar. Their real names are unknown, but it was founded just before the war started. At first, it was just recruiting whoever wanted to join and whoever was strong enough. Then, they started getting desperate. They needed more support. They let in whoever wanted to join. The conditions worsened, and they had to resort to forcing everyone to serve in the army.

[thedarkestgreys]

tagged by both @stannisfactions and @theangrypomeranian 🖤🖤 thank you friends!

How many works do you have on AO3?

67 but something new is popping up for halloween

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

so it says 976,114 but 266,429 of those words are from @baratheonbrotherspresent group written co-op fics

3. What fandoms do you write for?

primarily Fexi/Euphoria right now. but i've also written fics for ASOIAF/GoT, Eternals, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, and Teen Wolf over the last near decade.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

your violent overnight rush (fexi) stages (jonsa) and i'll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) (drukkari) slow hands (drukkari) and then a fic that i currently have hidden 😅

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

always! even if it's a quick TYSM FOR READING. i always appreciate when readers take the time to leave a comment, and i want to show my love back.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don't think i've written anything with an angsty ending tbh. yes, lots of angst in various fics, but i'm a happy ending girlie through and through.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

as stated above, im a happy ending girlie. but maybe my heart's gone double time if i had to choose.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i haven't in a long time, but in the past yeah. like drove me away from a ship and shut down my interest in writing for like a solid year. it wasn't even about the writing, it was about the plot (a Sweet Home Alabama AU) and the comments were unnecessary (go read the wiki on the movie yall its not hard) and it just sucked lol. that was a hot minute ago though. we're good now.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

hahahaha do i write smut???? i have an internal checklist of all the smutty things i haven't written yet that i want to give a go, so you could say that. (note: daddy kink is off the list and never to be seen from me again)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i do not! but i like to write a lot of AU's of different media.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

as far as i know of, no i haven't.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had some offers in the past to have things translated back in the GoT days but i never gave the okay on it simply because it was a fic i never completed (ya girl used to get in over her head)

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

technically the BBP fics are cowritten but we all did our own chapters following a basic outline of plot/storylines and worked around what other authors were posting. it was chaos and hilarious and the most fun i've ever had

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

to write for? i'd have to say it's fexi, they unlocked a new level in my brain as an author. shout out to my favorite non-canon little crackship that could podrya though - i'll love you forever. to read? this is like asking someone to pick their favorite child. i've read so many incredible fics across a ton of different fandoms. but god i guess the ones i still seek out frequently is dasey and dramione. wouldn't say i have a favorite though?

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i really want to finish but the wolves came and went and i think i'm sitting on at least two chapters completed for it right now lol someday i'll sit down and finish writing the whole thing and get it posted.

16. What are your writing strengths?

plotting. world building. exposition. keeping characters in character. i've been told i'm good at writing big emotions too?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i've improved greatly but i still struggle with dialogue. 🙃

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

okay so. when i was writing slow hands as i got further into the story i really started describing the actual sign language being used by makkari and druig. hours of watching asl videos to pick out different words or phrases to translate. it was fun and it was hard work and i ended up with a whole new appreciation for asl. but it also felt important to really dig into describing the asl and i'm glad i did it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? ... and i'm still bitter about the cancelled reboot.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

taking yvor out of the equation: my fexi warm bodies zombie au sharing different heartbeats mostly i go back and read it and go "wait i wrote this?" because i don't do zombies at all lol. i'm just very proud of it.

tagging: @sarahcakes613 @muserepeats @calculated2stagger @iwantthemtostay and @idontneedtobeforgiven

[concernedbrownbread]

For the character asks: Arslan Senki(i hope i got the name right)

Thanks for the ask!! Since there's no number, I'll just pic a few. Be warned, I ADORE THIS BOY. He's my precious bean, my cinnamon roll that could kill, my sassy child, etc. Literally tempted to answer every single on of the question but I'll try to limit it.

1.My first impression of them: no cap, he's the reason I picked up this show. So, I went into it with the anime (mistake, I know, the manga is definately better, but the anime isn't too bad). The first episode AND first chapter of the manga made him very likable for me: he was a sheltered kid with a good heart and very few friends. I was excited to see how he'd grow. I think the opening was perfect: setting up the world and some of the main conflicts, introducing out main character and his personal conflicts, setting up one of the main antagonists, etc etc etc. Love it. Love him.

7. A quote of them that you remember: "Narsus, I will appoint you court painter."

Reasons I love this quote:

biggest brain thing anyone in the series has every done (including every Narsus strategy)

said with charisma points MAXED out

never let them know your next move

12. Sexuality hc! Aroace. I accept literally nothing else.

13. Your favorite friendship they have: Etoile and Arslan's frienship makes me want to c r y. They are so good together, perfect foils to each other. They're the only one that treats Arslan like anyone else and not a prince: granted, they are pretty brash and mean but Arslan needs someone to not be all soft-spoken around him. I just want a scene where Arslan snaps and Etoile is all smug like HAH! GOT YOU TO STOP BEING THE PERFECT PRINCE! Etoile also challenges Arslan ideologically from the FIRST chapter , and every single encounter since has changed Arslan and left a mark on him. I love all Arslan friends, but I always feel like there is a divide due to the status. Arslan is a prince: of course he must adhere to the status quo. Etoile tho? They spit at the status quo. And then probaby spit at Arslan too for the fun of it. God I love them.

Also, I have a fic in my head where Etoile stayed a slave for a while so they and Arslan had a deeper relationship before they escaped.

(Also also, I like the idea of queerplatonic Etoile and Arslan.)

Also, Etoile gives Arslan this moment:

ID: two panels from the Arslan Senki manga, read from right to left. In the first panel, Arslan and Etoile are falling, the sun is setting in the distance and there are clouds and mountains framing the scene. Next panel is a zoom into Arslan, the sun reflecting in his eyes. END ID

Other than Etoile, his relationship with Daryun is amazing. I don't really call it friendship though, I call it overprotective-dad-and-his-trouble-magnet-son.

16. A childhood headcanon: he was a super mischevious child growing up and it drove his guardians up the wall (but they loved him, everyone loved him, how can they not?)

21. When do you think they were at their happiest? I'm sure that Arslan has a lot of happy moments with his friends in the events of the manga, but I genuinely believe he was the happiest before he came to the castle. When he speaks of his childhood, he seems incredibly fond. To me, Arslan never struck me as particularily ambitious. He wants to be a good prince for his people out of the goodness of his heart, but being prince was not something he wanted. I feel that he hates the divide between himself and others that his status brings. I think he was happiest when he had not real status and was allowed to play with his peers without filters.

Thanks again for the ask! Have a wonderful day!

[camille-lachenille]

20 questions for fic writers

Took me forever to answer but here I am! I was tagged by @echo-bleu

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

36 on my main pseud, the rest being either translations or old stuff I archived from Wattpad.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

89,808 words... How? I write mostly one shots, where do all these words come from?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently the Silmarillion and LOTR, but I dabbed into the Hobbit fandom and Six of Crows when I first made my AO3account

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Elflings don't grow in a garden (usually) (Silm/LOTR)

Change of the Seasons (Hobbit)

Once upon aDecember in Ravka (Six of Crows)

An unlikely friendship (LOTR)

An ever-growing family (Silm/LOTR)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, even if it’s only an emoji and it takes me ages.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Dreams of Doom. It follows Niënor from the moment she arrives in Brethil to her death so, yeah, canon is not kind to her. But I think Náro isn’t far behind because I played with the contrast between a very soft start and an angsty ending to make it even more brutal.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I dont' know... Most of my fics have either a very fluffy ending or a bittersweet one so it's hard to decide. But after pondering the question I'm going to say Ice Age(s) which is bittersweet but the end is definitely very fun and promising for the characters

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Luckily never.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope. I wrote a few scenes with implied/vague sexual content in Dreams of Doom but it’s not smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I dont' write crossovers. Anymore. I wrote a few super whacky Percy Jackson-Harry Potter crossovers when I was 13 and had just discovered fanfiction.

But in my curred era of writing, the closes thing I have to a crossover is my forever WIP A Season in Alqualondë which is a Regency Au, Jane Austen style Silm fic.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I translated two (one is currently still being translated but I dont' have the brain to work on it often)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Never, and I don’t think I’ll do it. I’m terrible at working with someone else.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Éowyn x Faramir and Celebrían x Elrond

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Tori daughter of Nori, a Hobbit fic where Nori finds an abandoned elfling during his wanderings and adopts her. I have lots of notes and even a few scenes written for this fic but I just don't have inspiration for it anymore.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Making people feel things? I also really like roccuring images and metaphors thoughout the story, to emphasis the characters' feelings or background. From several comments I know I am good at writing very strong contrast between the softest scene and the angstiest angst in a few sentences/paragraphs X) (see Náro or Dreams of Doom)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Verb tenses. English isn't my first language so I admit to go a bit freestyle regarding verbs and sometimes even sentence structure. I also find writing dialogs quite difficult and always fear they'll come out as stilted and artificial, hence why I make the characters speak as little as possible (Tolkien did that, I am only trying to emulate his style XD)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

As said above, dialogues aren't one of my stengths so I try not to incorporate another language unless absolutely necessary to the story.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson, on Wattpad, nearly a decade ago.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Ask me to choose my favourite child! But if I have to pick the one I am the most proud of, the one I spent most time and research and went really out of my comfort zone to write, it's clearly Dreams of Doom. I feel that, in terms of writing angst and character developement this fic is a turning point in my style.

And since I'm so late I don't tag anyone

[mav-doodles]

I’m late to the party but can I ask what the lore is for the uranium nuzlocke au,, uranium invaded my brain and I need content or I will explode/j

Of course! I have a handful of junk for it, and some stuff is not set in stone. I hope you're reading for a WALL of rambles.

Essentially, it starts with the change that Pluto's 'starter' isn't one of the usual three. Pluto decided to befriend an, at the time, unknown machine-like Pokémon who was nicknamed Digit. In time, it'd become known that Digi was a prototype Urayne.

Digit's deal, as of right now, is they were created as a testing ground for how Urayne would eventually work. Digit has become incredibly wary of humans, not fond of how they treat them. They broke out of the lab, vanishing for years. In time, they were found by the Professor, and with some convincing, went back to the lab with them. they became a sort of... Assistant.

Now, that aside, consider almost everything playing out normally... Up until the Championship.

Pluto and their team were overwhelmed by Gamma Urayne, and as a result, lost. Tandor was sent into a Nuclear Winter, and the remaining residents formed camps and groups that began to live either underground, or in well protected cities (Like Bealbeach).

CURIE has earned herself the title of Apocalypse, due to her overall success, and is a CONSTANT threat to the survivors. Apocalypse has upgraded her radiation suit to be a bit more durable, and beneath is a bodysuit that's modified with tech that utilizes that of the stasis tanks. Her body is being kept in a constant state of stasis as a result, where she has no need to eat, rest, and won't age. In short, so long as the tech is functional, she will not die. It, however, does not protect from outward damages.

Pluto, post-Championship, resides between one of the underground camps, and Zeta itself alongside Apocalypse. After learning more about her- specifically, who she is, as well as slowly coming to agree with her views on humanity itself, Pluto's sort of sided with her. Pluto's role had shift from preforming expeditions for resources and information for the survivor party, to gathering intel that Apocalypse and Urayne can use to further their destruction and elimination of people in Tandor.

Normally, Pluto wouldn't have sided with her at all, but they agree with the thoughts that humans are very greedy, and tend to not care for some unless it benefits them directly. Which, unfortunately, is true in both of their cases. Their original relationship is a sort of "you do this for me, I do this for you" Sort of deal, where Pluto do what she requests, and in turn, Pluto is kept safe from the wild Nuclear Pokémon, and gets to reside in Zeta where it's a bit safer.

Pluto is seen by the remainder of the survivors as THE person to deal with Apocalypse, and they all held this 13 y/o in high regard. Pluto's a child- they don't NEED all these responsibilities and praise on their shoulders. They never asked to be called a 'hero' or 'savior'. They're just... Tired. They already have enough trauma and self doubt to deal with.

Over time, Apocalypse and Pluto shift more toward a sort of... family relationship. Apocalypse cares for them like they're her own child- but these feelings partially come from the buried memories from what used to be Lucille. It's a feeling of "I don't know WHY, exactly, but you mean something to me." Kellyn plays a minor role in it all too- acting more as a neutral party, especially after learning who Apocalypse was. He's determined to try and convince her to cease her destruction, and get her to understand that things aren't... What she thinks they are. Granted, she is very far gone, with little room to change her mind. But it is possible. He also just missed his wife, lets be honest.

What happens past that point though can go into a couple directions, depending on the circumstances;

Pluto could remain with the survivors, and in time, Apocalypse is put down.

Pluto remains with Apocalypse, but Apocalypse's own overconfidence becomes her undoing. The result of this is she either dies, or is heavily wounded and has to be put into stasis just to keep her alive until a way to fix her can be found.

The latter results in Pluto snapping and taking over her place, finishing what she started. In time, Tandor would eventually be cleansed by the Hazma, and it'd be converted into a land for the Nuclear Pokémon, and some regular Pokémon, to roam without a fear in the world.

There's also a 'Good end', where the Championship fight ends differently. Pluto doesn't necessarily WIN, but they manage to convince CURIE just how wrong she is, manages to break through that wall of hers. Her own rage before Pluto breaks through overtakes Gamma Urayne, and throws them into an absolute FRENZY. They cause damages left and right while Digit tries to stop them. CURIE realizes her hate has hurt the one she's promised to take care of and protect. It breaks her. After casting the Interface aside, she does all she can to get Urayne to stop and calm down, almost getting herself killed in the process.

Afterward, she willingly answers for her crimes and aids in restoring Tandor.

Thank u for coming to my Ted Talk

[fatesresonance]

10/25/22, archived from Twitter ONGOING Asexual Diluc and the trials that come with it

―――

Diluc knew that he wasn't normal from a young age, but he didn't fully comprehend it at the time. When others were giggling and blushing about other people, gossiping about first kisses, he didn't understand.

It was okay, though. He didn't have to understand, as he was still young - he was only 11! He still had time, and when he was grown up, he'd start feeling the same way.

He was content about it at first. Maybe a little confused and lonely, but he was okay. 

Things went downhill when age thirteen hit and suddenly Kaeya was starting to act the same way as they did.

Blushy. Eyes wandering boys and girls they met, watching them leave. Making small comments on how their ass looked, or that they were cute as hell.

Diluc became overcome with a sour jealousy he didn't understand the source of. It infested him, constricted his chest and made him want to cry because of how bad he felt.

He was 13. Kaeya was 13. Why wasn't Diluc the same? Why wasn't Kaeya looking at Diluc like that too? 

Kaeya crawled into bed with Diluc one cold night and curled up to him, back to back, feet to feet.

"Luc?"

"Hm?"

"Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?"

Diluc swallowed. Did he? He couldn't recall the urge, but he was recalling the /want/ of it. 

"How come?" Diluc asked instead.

"I can't stop thinking about it," Kaeya replied. "And, um... Other things."

Diluc craned his head. "Other things?"

"You, uh. You know." Then, in a shushed, embarrassed voice, "Sex."

Why did Diluc feel so disgusting right now? 

Not... Not disgusting. But wrong. Uncomfortable. It pooled thick in his gut and Diluc wanted to escape.

"Oh," he said.

Kaeya curled up in a ball behind him.

"Have you thought about it? I know you and Jean are close."

Gods, not like that. He was still only 13.

"Do /you/ think about it with someone?" Diluc asked in return.

"Um..." Kaeya tensed.

That was a yes. Diluc didn't know why his heart dropped. Why he wanted to squirm.

They dropped the conversation entirely. Diluc didn't sleep well that night.

Diluc didn't know what was wrong with him. He didn't know why Kaeya's words echoed in his brain and made him want to crawl out of his skin.

All he knew was that he felt... completely separated. Isolated.

He hoped to grow up quickly. He was tired of being lonely. 

After Kaeya, Diluc began to notice just how rife his peers were with it.

Couples made out in the HQ hallways and not-so-secretly played with each other in the library. Individuals complained about being single, gossiped about who banged who. 

Diluc kept his mouth shut, of course. He wasn't a snitch, nor was he a prude.

Why couldn't they keep it in their pants? How could they be so damn horny? They're only 13. They're children.

And then they're 14. And 15. 

Diluc felt eternally stuck as a child. The world went on without him.

At age 14, Crepus sat Diluc and Kaeya down at the table with a book and a cup of tea.

"I think it's time I give you boys the talk," Crepus said, "for when you need it."

Crepus gave Kaeya a knowing stare. Diluc didn't want to think about it.

He opened up the book - one of reproductive cycles and 'the birds and the bees' - and began an agonizingly long conversation.

"Who you engage in it with doesn't matter," Crepus said. "Boys or girls, both are completely normal. You have my, Elzer's, and Adelinde's full support either way. It's important you stay safe, though."

"Why do we need to learn now?" Kaeya asked, cheek to fist.

Crepus looked at him and sighed. "You two are growing up, as much as I don't want to admit it, and it's inevitable you will want to become intimate with someone. It's better you know for when the time comes rather than scramble and make risky mistakes."

When. Not if.

Crepus, after conveying it all with detail, went on to explain that 'those' feelings are normal too. That it's a fact that both of them would become interested and aroused by someone, and it's important to communicate.

Honestly, some of the details blurred for Diluc.

Diluc understood the concept of him being with someone in the future. He understood it was a fact and this information would prepare him for when he made that decision.

As time went on, that concept became more and more estranged from himself.

Age 15.5, Diluc felt like none of that applied to him. Not really. He couldn't picture himself right now courting a cute boy and becoming intimate, or even kissing him.

He felt, once again, isolated. Stuck in his own little bubble.

One afternoon, shortly after training with the Knights ended, Diluc made the way up the stairs to use the bathroom and wash off.

He was alone, or so he thought, until soft moans and giggles reached his ears from the corner breaking away from the main hallway.

Diluc pursed his lips, huffing, and continued walking. Whatever. Kids will be kids, and they will be stupid.

He unfortunately had to pass them on the way to the bathroom. Diluc couldn't help but spare a glance.

His heart dropped in that very instant.

Kaeya had a boy their age - a blondie with green eyes - pinned against the wall by his hips. Their tongues were down each other's throats with roaming hands, feeling what they pleased. They were clumsy, but driven.

Diluc wanted to vomit.

He turned the other direction and left.

He... He didn't know what to think or feel. He didn't know what the correct reaction was. Diluc only knew that heart shattered.

Maybe he'd fooled himself into thinking Kaeya was the same. Overlooked his obvious interest in others and those activities–

and was sorely mistaken until evidence proved otherwise. It made sense. Diluc was lonely and the brain is weak.

If Kaeya was like this, then Diluc should be too. They were hip to hip close, so much so one didn't end without the other beginning.

So why couldn't Diluc grow up?

He laid in bed that night, tearing himself to shreds while staring blankly up at the ceiling, still dotted with glowing stars from childhood.

Diluc was not normal. He concluded that with finality. There was something wrong with him and he needed to fix it.

He didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to make himself like everyone else - relationships, sex, intimacy - and he didn't know why he was... wrong, from his very bones.

Broken.

Did Kaeya know he was broken?

Did Kaeya know how fucked up Diluc was? The damn boy was nearly of age and he hadn't held hands with anyone besides Kaeya.

He hadn't done anything with anyone besides Kaeya. He loved Kaeya more than anything in the world. He was his first priority.

Diluc angrily pushed down his lounge pants and took himself in hand. Maybe if he just made an effort and tried, this would all be proven wrong.

He wasn't a broken boy. He was just... not prone to being aroused? Yeah, that had to be it.

Diluc wasn't a stranger to touching himself. It was an occasional activity to rid himself of tension and relax himself at night - so when he bit into his pillow and sighed from the sensations, he thought the troubles were dissipating.

Diluc had no one in mind.

He tried. He picked random strangers he'd feel less guilty getting off to and imagined a scene of them fumbling in bed. It did nothing for him.

He tried picturing characters from his favorite books. He picked scene illustrations, strangers, conventionally attractive people. 

Nothing.

He picked Jean.

Nothing.

He picked Kaeya, in a fit of desperation.

His heart fluttered when something in him stirred. A bad taste formed on the back of his tongue, but he couldn't care.

He wasn't unfixable, he wasn't wrong, he wasn't–

The sparked flutter died as quickly as it came when his fantasy got into the thick of intimacy.

Nothing.

Oh.

Diluc /was/ broken, wasn't he?

He tucked himself away, unfulfilled. Diluc cried a lot to himself that night.

Diluc couldn't look Kaeya in the eyes for several days. All he could see was Kaeya making out with another boy (that wasn't Diluc) and the (unjustified) hint of betrayal (for what Diluc conjured in his own thoughts), plus a reminder of the fact he discovered. 

Diluc was defected and there was no way to fix it.

But, as life does, it went on. The world continued to spin even though Diluc felt stuck in it, forever 11 years old.

He had to move on.

Diluc wasn't a fool. He knew the way Kaeya looked at him now - disappointed, let down, confused - when Diluc avoided him for the next week.

It was for the best though, wasn't it? Kaeya was growing up. He needed people on his own level.

He needed people that weren't Diluc, and who wanted him, and who could give him what he wanted.

At the end of that week, Diluc sobered up and kicked himself for being such a mopey, whiny baby. Kaeya didn't deserve to be ignored for something as stupid as Diluc's own insecurities.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, unable to look Kaeya in the eyes. Crepus raised Diluc better than that, but he couldn't bring himself for eye contact. "I've been unfair to you."

Kaeya looked at him, lips set into a sad frown. "Why are you avoiding me, Luc?"

Diluc swallowed hard.

"I, um."

Barbatos, he was gonna make an ass of himself, wasn't he? Diluc felt ashamed just thinking of admitting the reason. It was so stupid and foolish.

"I saw you with that boy. In the hallway."

Kaeya paled. "You--You did?"

Diluc wrung his hands together. 15, yet 11. "Yes. I didn't... didn't know what to think. So I avoided it." What went unsaid was, 'which meant avoiding you.'

"Which time?" Kaeya whispered.

Diluc looked at him incredulously. Could his heart crack any more?

None of this had anything to do with him, but it felt like it did. He was sickeningly jealous. Of not being that boy, and of not being able to feel, not able to connect.

"Which time?" Diluc repeated, voice cracking. He cleared his throat.

Kaeya realizing that was the wrong thing to say rapidly showed on his face. "Luc, let me explain."

Diluc didn't feel like it. But, he stayed. He'd do anything for Kaeya. Even rot for him. 

Kaeya rubbed the back of his neck.

"Me and him... We're nothing. We've snuck off to the back a couple times, but it's never gone any farther than kissing. I was curious. About how it felt. What it was like. And he was too."

Diluc worked his jaw in silence.

Kaeya looked at him, visibly waiting for a response. When he got nothing but a careful blank expression, he sighed.

"None of it meant anything. Just... Hormones? Whatever Crepus said." Kaeya weakly chuckled. "You know how it is..."

"I don't."

Kaeya blinked in surprise. "What?"

Diluc shook his head and turned around. "Just forget it."

Kaeya caught his sleeve.

"Diluc, what's wrong? Why are you upset with me? Is it because I didn't tell you?"

Diluc would rather have not heard or seen anything.

"No, no," he replied, pitching his tone lighter. "Continue on as you please. You two and your... whatever. Couple-ness? Fling? Hide better next time."

Diluc swore he heard a, "I wished it was you" on his way out.

Diluc went to bed that night, hollow and gutted. He knew what pain felt like, but this was a new brand of sorrow.

He was being a whiny, mopey baby again, wasn't he? Unable to handle the fact that Kaeya was growing up and away from him.

That Diluc wasn't as important to Kaeya as before anymore, and that Diluc really /was/ just a fucked up human being.

15, yet 11, yet 8.

There was no place in the world for him. There was no place in someone's heart for him. No one wants a defect.

Diluc curled into the sheets and wished that the aching crack in his heart would dissipate so he could sleep.

Age 16.5, and Crepus asked why Diluc had never brought anyone home.

"I just don't find anyone particularly interesting yet," Diluc hesitantly said, nudging his way around the subject.

Kaeya looked at him with an unreadable expression.

Crepus frowned. "Not anyone? There /must/ be a girl you've had your eye on before." 

Diluc was dead quiet, unable to meet his father's eye.

Diluc had his eyes on one person, and that person wouldn't want someone like him.

"Or, ahem," Crepus cleared his throat, "a boy."

Diluc put on a weak smile. "I don't like anyone, Father. It's... just that." Nothing to it.

Yeah. Nothing to it.

Crepus appeared disappointed, but didn't voice it. Thank god. Diluc didn't know if he could handle that conversation.

He'd had a long time to think about himself. Most of it was of a self-loathing nature, but it brought to light facts he couldn't deny.

Diluc wanted to be in love. He desired romance. Sex and romance are so intertwined, though, especially in the city of freedom.

Mond was less prudish than other cultures of Teyvat.

When Diluc confronted Kaeya the year before about the boy, he spent another week avoiding him and licking his wounds. Gradually, he gravitated back to him, though more separated than before.

He didn't know if Kaeya ever got with that boy again. He was glad he didn't know, but bothered by it too. It was a bittersweet, double-edged sword.

Kaeya never brought anyone home. Diluc could only be grateful for that, as he watched Kaeya slip through his fingers.

Once again - life continued on. The world still turned. Diluc pushed himself past it and threw himself into the Knights. If Diluc couldn't be whole, then he'd be damn good at what he /could/ be.

Kaeya trailed behind him, remaining comfortably in the shadow that Diluc cast.

Things... Well. They didn't necessarily get easier, per se, but Diluc learned to maneuver around. He grew.

He and Kaeya were side by side constantly. They fought together in expeditions, went to events together, trained and studied together.

Just as in childhood, the two of them were inseparable.

They were, together, the uncrowned bachelor princes of Mond.

Having that title meant a lot, and young adults eagerly trying to get with either of them was one of the consequences.

Diluc's stomach churned in queasiness as Kaeya playfully spun pleasantries with his silver tongue with a girl a year younger.

He, himself, gently turned everyone down.

He had to remind himself that Kaeya would never be what Diluc wished he was. It was a harsh truth.

Diluc couldn't hope Kaeya to be something he wasn't - private, selective, unsexual like him. So, he must deal with jealousy of various kinds and reasons.

He couldn't keep himself from wishing though, quietly, it was him on that receiving end of that tongue.

Kaeya flourished. Skyrocketed. He was so brilliant that it hurt Diluc's eyes to see, yet he'd withstand the countless tears to witness him.

Diluc cherished the nights Kaeya slept over with him, back to back, feet to feet. He didn't know what time would be the last.

Diluc didn't know when Kaeya would branch out once again and leave him 16, yet 11, yet 8.

He didn't know what was to come.

Age 17, his life stood on two feet and fucking ran.

Diluc, admittedly, got a little too drunk on his birthday.

Crepus had allowed him a small, /small/ glass of wine in celebration. He (presumably) failed to notice when Kaeya snuck the entire bottle away, as well as others, and stashed them in his room.

As a lightweight, Diluc was a little buzzed when he retired to bed. He mostly found the aftertaste not to his liking, but he couldn't deny the pleasantries of inebriation - what little he knew of it, at least.

Diluc closed his door, sat down on his bed, and simply sat. Stared at the floor. Thought.

Seventeen. Huh. Damn. Just one more year until he was of age.

It felt just like yesterday when he was still on Crepus's shoulders, lifted up after crushing grapes with his feet.

There were a lot of things he should be feeling, but he didn't feel them, nor did he know what to do with those feelings if he did.

Diluc should feel older and wiser. He really didn't though; apart from the celebration, it was just an ordinary day. Nothing special.

Had he wasted his year? Had he done enough? Had he made the best of it?

That was a fear he had - wasting his time and youth.

Being in the Knights and having studies kept him constantly busy. Nonetheless, the little voice of fear crept into his mind.

Diluc only had this year left before he was an adult. Before all the responsibilities of adulthood came crashing down upon him and his (limited) freedom was no longer free.

 

Had he missed out on opportunities this year? Missed out on adventures?

Grand Master Varka always encouraged playing as hard as one worked. He'd said, "Enjoy your youth while it lasts, cause it ain't here forever."

Diluc knew it objectively was just a... factual sentence. Some nights like these, those, it was frightful.

Sometimes, Diluc wondered if he was missing out on being a teenager by being the cavalry captain.

In an attempt to calm his growing panic, he thought back on all the available opportunities of the year. To be honest, there weren't many he had missed.

He attended expeditions, trained new Knights, helped host small parties. Crepus brought him on business trips and Kaeya made sure they had time for beach visits and exploration. Their closest friends they hung out with were as busy as they were.

Diluc let out a sigh.

It was okay. He had time. He did what he could and made wonderful memories. 

Diluc would never forget the time Jean fell in a ditch on a camping trip after announcing the terrain was free of ditches.

The memory made him smile.

Everything was alright. He hadn't squandered his time and youth.

But--

Gods, he was coming back around to this again? It must have been the alcohol getting to him. Diluc hadn't thought about this for a while now - he was doing so good.

But-- he hadn't had his first kiss yet, let alone held a hand romantically.

Diluc shoved his face into his hands and rubbed his eyes.

He didn't know why he kept circling back to this, time and time again. Diluc was not a fan of relationships, really. He couldn't find attraction in anyone (except one person he couldn't have). He knew he'd be severely uncomfortable if he /was/ in one.

So why, if Diluc knew he'd be just suffering the entire time in a relationship or through related displays of affection, was he so ashamed he had never experienced it (yet)?

17, yet 11, yet 8.

There was a severe disconnect with societal expectations, his wants, and his actual reality of being.

Diluc couldn't think of anyone, bar Sucrose or deliberately 'celibate' individuals, who hadn't been kissed before.

Hell, his own... Scratch that. Hell, /Kaeya/ had.

Diluc knew at his age he should be searching. He should be courting, hooking up, fancying, whatever.

Crepus expected a significant other and, in the future, an heir. Right?

Yet Diluc couldn't shake the perpetual thought of 'when I'm older, it'll come.' When is older?

What age would fix him? Make him normal?

He wanted: a relationship, intimacy, kisses, to be touched and to touch preciously, to adore and be adored, to feel and give pleasure, sex like any other teenager.

Sitting there, the dots slowly, finally began to connect.

Diluc wanted to /want/ those things. That was key, wasn't it?

Society said he should want it, so he wanted to want it, and it felt the same. But it isn't, truly.

Having a romantic relationship was more in the picture than anything else, granted. But semantics.

Everything is just so frustrating.

Seventeen and he couldn't even figure out his own mind.

Diluc wanted Kaeya.

(Speak of the devil...)

Diluc lifted his head at a couple precise knocks on his door. It was a constructed pattern only Kaeya knew and used.

"Come in," he called, sitting up straighter.

Kaeya popped his head in with a wicked grin. He quickly scurried in and locked the door.

Then, from behind his back, he revealed two bottles of wine.

"You ready to have fun?"

= tbc =

[nerves-nebula]

Don't you learn seasons at school? I don't think I've ever even heard my mom say Autumn (but in all fairness I have some trouble with sessons at times so msybe she was meant to, idk)

not if you're homeschooled and your mom (who is your teacher) is neglectful. i didnt know the orders of the days of the week until i was 13 and HAD to know them because she dumped me into high school after effectively not schooling me since I was like, 9 or 10.

it was the same with the months, didn't learn them until i was in high school (I still have trouble remembering the exact order of them sometimes)

it took me a while to figure out autumn and fall were the same season, but i think that was prolly normal child-brain stuff and not like. the severe neglect side of the spectrum hahhh.

apparently my little sister weirded people out when she was first dumped into middle school because she saw the days of the week on the wall and went "wow, I've never seen so many days! I've never heard of a wednesday!"

frankly the fact htat we haven't been taken away from our mom because of obvious signs of neglect (food hoarding, bad hygiene, etc) is proof of how shit the US child care system is. Not that foster care would have been better (I do NOT trust CPS AT ALL) but you'd think someone would have raised the alarm at some point. I mean, some point AFTER that librarian called CPS on us when we were younger cause my older brother told them his bruises were from our dad.

sorry for the ramble/vent but that's what happens if you ask anything about my life haha.

[crossedwithblue]

I posted 17,452 times in 2022

That's 5,112 more posts than 2021!

214 posts created (1%)

17,238 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@chaoticeddie

@ellynneversweet

@niimuue

@too-easily-obsessed

@derinthescarletpescatarian

I tagged 4,347 of my posts in 2022

#via shitposts - 202 posts

#frogs for liza - 197 posts

#if i had to see this then so do yall - 179 posts

#wwdits spoilers - 30 posts

#lmao - 29 posts

#omg - 20 posts

#i- - 16 posts

#:') - 16 posts

#gnu terry pratchett - 16 posts

#temeraire - 13 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#im no expert but pls my lived experience is v e r y different to that of a black person in america and i wish americans would stop painting

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

hmmmmm

interesting that my post on the cross-stitch subreddit about supporting the Etsy strike was removed... by a mod who is a very successful Etsy seller who is NOT participating in the strikes at all

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

(cross stitch peeps, i am tagging it as such in case anyone has insights, but please don't reblog, i really don't want drama. please do reblog the other posts you see about etsy strikes tho, and if you can think of some way to make it ~relevant~ for the subreddit, please do lmk and i'll try again)

idk im just like. our hobby seems so innocuous and harmless in every possible way but nothing exists in a sociopolitical vacuum and it's disingenuous to pretend that isn't the case. things that affect our small business owners are important to the entire community.

22 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

#4

everything everywhere all at once said "you'll push your kids to their breaking point for what you think is their own good but all you'll achieve is to push them away from you" and "no matter how hard you try to encircle them in traditional values and concepts you understand, they'll still pull away from you" and "the only way to move past this is for both of you to truly listen to each other" and that is so very, very sexy of them

25 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

#3

so an Observation TM I made recently is that in Western love poetry/devotional works/etc, the beloved or the divine tends to be referred to as a shining light or a feeling of warmth or something along those lines, whereas in the (albeit limited amount of) Indian art I'm familiar with, the beloved/divine is a gentle breeze or a cooling shade

I think this is a really good example of fundamental cultural differences that are baked in so deep that you'd never even notice them - I didn't until I was out with my family in one morning, already 25 degrees C at 9am, and saw a tree to stand under, and something in my brain went Ah

31 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

#2

ok so i know im very very late to the party but i can't stop thinking about isabela's line: 'he told me that my power would grow like the grapes that thrive on the vine', specifically the word 'grapes'. was this bruno's word or isabela's, chosen simply to sensibly rhyme 'vine' with 'mine' or with a deeper meaning?

remember, all we see isabela create until what else can i do? is flowers. beautiful, sure, but probably not useful for all that much beyond being decorative, whereas grapes are a food, can be used to make wine, and are considered to have minor healing properties (i'm referring to the idea of bringing sick people grapes to make them feel better or at least refreshed). so they're far more practically useful than just flowers, with aspects of hedonism (wine) and healing (perhaps a shout-out to isabela being julieta's daughter, though i acknowledge that that link is tenuous at best).

so is this actually bruno suggesting/isabela wishing for a role for her that's more than the perfect, decorative flower-growing golden child role that she gets pushed into? the 'something true' that she describes in what else can i do? a representation of something more meaningful and three-dimensional than just growing pretty, ephemeral flowers? what else can i do? does feature only flowering plants, it's true, but they're far more diverse than the traditionally elegant and pretty flowers she grows before that, (and she does grow strangling figs in what else can i do?) and it's not a great stretch to imagine that she continues exploring her powers to see if she can grow fruit, grains, herbs/medicinal plants, timber, etc etc, as well

31 notes - Posted March 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Bit late but I made Xmas presents for my whole family :)

@ellynneversweet i think u know what reminded me to put this up

53 notes - Posted January 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[chronic-retrograde]

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Not really.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

My partner.

03: Do you regret anything?

Loads of stuff.

04: Are you insecure?

Yes.

05: What is your relationship status?

Taken.

06: How do you want to die?

Instantly.

07: What did you last eat?

White Rabbit candies. Milk flavored.

08: Played any sports?

When I was a child, I played soccer very briefly.

09: Do you bite your nails?

Not unless there's a piece coming off.

10: When was your last physical fight?

Never.

11: Do you like someone?

See above.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Yes.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

Yes.

14: Do you miss someone?

Yes.

15: Have any pets?

One cat who I love dearly.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Tired. My brain isn't letting me sleep at the moment.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

No.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

If they're big.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yes.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My bedroom.

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

Hang out with my bestie and his partner.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

No.

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

No.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

Biology. Just not the cellular kind.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes.

26: What are you craving right now?

Sleep.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I think so.

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

No.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Unfortunately.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

Being too hot to sleep.

31: Does somebody love you?

Yes.

32: What is your favourite color?

Black.

33: Do you have trust issues?

With certain people.

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

I don't remember the plot, but I think it was in a mall.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My partner.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

No.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive.

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

Idk, but it's alright.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

20

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

As a very small child.

51: Favourite food?

A cheeseburger.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Technically? Yes. Is it Karma? No.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Went to the toilet. Exciting, I know.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

No.

55: Are you mean?

I don't think I am.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

057: Do you believe in true love?

Yes, but you have to work for it.

58: Favourite weather?

Warm, breezy, and overcast with the smell of a future rain.

59: Do you like the snow?

No.

60: Do you wanna get married?

Yes.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I hate it.

62: What makes you happy?

My cat. Spending time with my friends and partner. Good food. Fun games. Typical things.

63: Would you change your name?

No.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

No. He's sleeping rn.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

This would never happen. He doesn't swing that way.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Yes.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

My partner.

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My partner.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

Yes, but it's not an instant thing. It comes with familiarity. See the true love question.

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

Yes.

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[mightbeautistic]

Hey so I have an autism assessment coming up soon (EEEEEE!) And I haven't told my family about it yet because I'm terrified of the whole "haha tiktok made her think she has autism look how silly she is" deal.

But the diagnostician will probably want to ask my parents some questions and I'm worried. Because like, I'll have to say "oh my parents have no idea that I am here and I don't want them to know."

Will that mess up the diagnostic process? Should I tell my family what's going on? Also I love your blog it's so deep-dive-able and validating and it makes brain go brrrrrrrrr

Aww thanks! I have no clue when this was sent so it might have already happened, but if not good luck!

Ngl I don't really know? From what I've researched, sometimes they interview family members, former teachers/coaches to get a good idea of what you were like as a child. From my understanding, it's a good support for the autism diagnosis bcs if you didn't show many signs for it before you were too old to mask, it might be a conglomerate of other mental issues instead. Maybe. Not a medical professional. Keep that in mind.

But also, parents can be biased about their children and may even answer contrary to the truth if they know what's going on(ngl I wouldn't bet against my parents doing that). For example, as I've heard from my sister(who is 13 years older than me), teachers had basically hinted at/suggested I get evaluated for ~something~ as a kid and my mom was just insistent that I was just a unique, gifted child with quirks, not some abnormal other thing.

But yeah I mean explain whatever the situation is to your evaluator person, and you're an adult. Your parents don't have to know at all. HIPAA, babey. (if you're American, at least)

Anyways, hope it goes well. If it already went, I hope it went well, and feel free to send me an update on how it was :)

[bowiewashington]

Drabble: Joint Custody

Title: Joint Custody Rating: PG-13 (for language) Word Count: 1000 Characters: Bennett “Bowie” Washington Cohen Rosewood, Olivia Jackson-Cohen, Avery Jackson (mentioned), Maxwell Rosewood (mentioned). Relationships: Bennett "Bowie" Rosewood & Olivia Jackson-Cohen, Bennett “Bowie” Rosewood/Maxwell Rosewood (mentioned), Bennett “Bowie” Rosewood/Avery Jackson (past, mentioned). Triggers: Casual references to healthy religious practices (Judaism) for those who don't like any talk of religion, vague implications of child endangerment, mentions of mental health issues. Yiddish/Hebrew words: Bubbeleh, little doll/darling, Abba, dad/father. Prequel/Companion Piece: You filed for full custody?

“Which ambient wall light that is definitely not a nightlight do you wanna keep here and which one do you wanna take to your mom’s?” Bowie asked from his spot on the floor where he was surrounded by boxes of Livvie’s stuff. She was on the other side of her room, sitting in a brightly colored chair and staring at the mezuzah she painted at camp and had already stuck on the doorpost. Her room here was smaller than her room in Charlotte had been, but she got to pick everything out. She'd been in awe every time Bowie bought her something. Technically he and Avery had 50/50 custody, but he knew how this song and dance went.

He was supposed to only see her Fridays through Sundays, but it always worked out where somehow he got to see Livvie a lot more than 50% of the time. Avery wouldn’t be able to pick her up from school or she wanted to go out with her friends and couldn’t Livvie just spend the night? He didn’t understand Avery’s parenting style, but he wasn’t going to bring it up. Instead he was focusing on Livvie and making the transition easier for her. That was the important part: making life easy for Livvie. So what if he and Avery didn't always see eye-to-eye? The important thing was that Livvie was happy.

Livvie didn’t say anything. Instead she was kicking her feet back and forth in the chair. She’d been quieter since moving. One of her main concerns was that she got her own room when Max’s kids were sharing a room. She didn’t think it was fair, and he didn’t know how to tell her that it was because she was likely going to be over more than they were. They’d compromised by putting in a trundle so they could sleep in Livvie’s room, too, and there was an extra bed in their room so she could stay with them, too. Still, he knew everything was bothering her. 

He put the nightlights back into the box and crawled over to where she was sitting. “Wanna talk about whatever’s going on in that smart brain of yours?” He asked, leaning against the chair. Wanting to put a smile on his (adopted) daughter’s face, he nudged her side with his head like he was one of their cats. “I’m a good listener.” He mewled out, continuing to nudge her until she started scratching his scalp. “Wanna tell BoBo about your troubles?”

It was quiet for a couple of minutes, but Bowie had a feeling that she was thinking about what she wanted to tell him. “I’m a bad daughter.” She whispered out, sounding far older than eight years old. As much as Bowie wanted to look up at her, he knew she didn’t respond well to direct eye contact when talking about serious things. Her fingers went from scratching his head to playing with the ends of his hair. “I don’t wanna live with Mommy. I just wanna visit her like me and you used to do before the babies died.”

His eyes closed as he processed her words. What the hell was he supposed to say to all that? Fvck. He swallowed. “You’re not a bad daughter.” He said slowly. “You’re the best kid I’ve ever could have asked for. It’s been a really hard year, Bubbeleh. I loved that I got you all summer, but your Mommy really missed you when she was sick. She wants to spend time with you, too.”

Livvie made a sound like she was pushing air through her nose that she definitely picked up from Darlene. She scrambled out of the chair, taking a little bit of Bowie’s hair with her. “Why does everyone keep saying that?” She yelled more than asked, as she started pacing in front of Bowie. “Mommy was sick.” She pulled a face. “Mommy didn’t mean to leave you.” She huffed out another dramatic sigh.

“You’re so nice about Mommy. And Maxxie doesn’t say anything bad ‘cause he loves you. And Mommy always tells me not to listen to anything you say about her, but you don’t say anything bad, Abba!” She ranted. “Mommy says mean things about you ‘cause you didn’t marry her and married Maxxie. She doesn’t mean it but-” And she dropped onto the ground, tears sliding down her cheeks. Whatever she said next was drowned out by her sobs.

Immediately he scrambled over to her, and pulled his daughter into his lap. She called him abba. He didn’t even know she knew what abba meant, let alone ask her to call him that. She must have picked it up from one of her friends at camp. The feeling of being called dad was overwhelming and all encompassing, but he was pushing that to the back of his mind to instead focus on Livvie. “Oh, Bubbeleh.” He crooned out, not knowing what else to say.

“She was sick, but she left me, Abba. She left me like my other daddy did. She left.” She sobbed into his chest. “And- and- and… I picked you!” She pulled back to look at him. “I didn’t like kin’da’garden and then… you were there like Lilo & Stitch. And I got to pick you to be my BoBo. And you loved Mommy and you took care of me even when Mommy didn’t love you, and you kept loving me when the babies went away and- and- and-” She buried her face back into his chest. “You stayed. Everyone leaves, but you stay, Abba. You stay.” 

His face felt wet. He didn’t even know when he started crying. “I’ll always stay. It’s you and me forever, Livvie-girl. You and me.” He murmured out, rocking her from side to side. “You and me.”

Livvie hiccuped, and turned her head to the side to mumble: “And she smells funny all the time. Like stinky flowers.”

And, fvck. He knew that Avery was still smoking pot but she promised it wouldn’t affect her time with Livvie. Fvck. “I’ll do what I can to see if you can spend more time here.” He promised into her hair. “It doesn’t mean you will, but I’m gonna try, okay? I’m gonna try for you.”

[mytastessuck]

Bo Burnham: what. (Full Show)

Welcome to my first live show review and the last (sort-of) album review I'll do for this era of the blog.

I've been a fan of Bo Burnham since I saw the "Words Words Words" music video on Comedy Central when I was in my teens. Then I saw the live show for that and I was hooked, making a channel for him on Pandora (remember that) and looking up everything he did for music. I even got the Egghead poetry book for Christmas. I'm proud to say that, while his older stuff really doesn't hold up, he's more than noticed and has evolved to stay with the times, which I'm certain he's proud that he still meets my high standards for performers. And speaking of performers...for this review, I will be going by the tracklisting on the album instead of events as they happen in the show because the jokes are...pretty decent actually but I don't feel like stopping to rank each and every one, especially when they're so quick and simple. I want to go into his songs instead of his actual moments of stand-up because, like Kaiser Neko (or maybe it was Lanipator?) once sort of criticized, I think he's a better performer than a comedian. He knows how to sign, compose and play to a crowd better than carry an entire show with just jokes. So that's what I'll be focusing on. Thanks for reading the ramble and enjoy this review of the free show.

Intro

Like I said, better performer than comedian. Watch him do a bunch of pre-planned gags to a great track and make it all work with little moments of prop humor. Best bits include "Prolonged Eye Contact" and the moment where he spits up the invisible water.

Track Score: 10/10

2. A World On Fire

I don't care if it's quicker than his jokes. This is a solid gag.

Track Score: 8/10

3. Sad

As a person with empathy issues, I know exactly how debilitating it is to possess when the world sucks so much. So good on Bo for making a song that makes fun of it. Good on him.

Track Score: 9/10

4. I Fuck Sluts

Didn't need the purpose of the poem explained at the end but I get that's part of the joke. Excellent show of how misogyny can develop in others though.

Track Score: 9/10

5. What Did I Do Last Night?

Better quick joke. Love it lots and it's always what I think of when I hear the title phrase.

Track Score: 10/10

6. Let Brain, Right Brain

Cool song with a cool concept. It's interesting to see a guy therapize himself on stage and he gives life to both parts of his brain in interesting ways. This is why he acts now on occasion.

Track Score: 9/10

7. #deep

#justsmartassthings. Funny song. I forgot how well he could sing while still messing around.

Track Score: 9/10

8. Beating Off In A Minor

Really need to see this one on video to appreciate it. Even those without a penis can barely handle the second-hand cringe...

Track Score: 10/10

9. Poems

They're alright, though you're better off just getting the book. I personally recommend Perfect.

Track Score: 7/10

10. From God's Perspective

Alright, the crown jewel of the show. Still holds up today, even the rape line surprisingly. Although getting so judgemental over people abstaining from pork might offend Haram or Kashrut followers...either way, still worth a listen.

Track Score: 9/10

11. Andy The Frog

Bit of a meh shaggy dog story. Not even bad, just not on the caliber of the other parts of the show.

Track Score: 6/10

12. Out Of The Abyss

See, on the CD, this is Bo interacting with a fourteen year old attending the concert with his mother by using the joke we see in the video of a pedophile trying to lure in a child with a candy bar. He also tells a girl who loves him that she doesn't and explains what a parasocial relationship. So listen to that when you have the chance instead of the show which is just the pedophile joke by its lonely self.

Track Score (live show): 7/10

13. Repeat Stuff

This was a single and it deserved to be because Bo went off with this one. Pop, idol music, teen bop? They've apparently had it too good for too long because Bo tears them apart and still has time to get the audience to participate in a mini-rally while he does so. Probably his best work...and still relevant!

Track score: 10/10

14. We Think We Know You

Damn...greatest way to end the show. You know, for a while, TV Tropes had a entry called Becoming The Mask on Bo's page that accused Bo of becoming lost in his stage persona for a while. Their sources? Some fans...yeah, remember to stay woke on stupid wikis, guys. It's still there...so this song will always be relevant.

Track Score: 11/10

Show Score: 8.9/10

Gonna take a break for the rest of the week then, and I might be lowballing here, but I think I'll have the rest of the songs taken care of in a few weeks. See you then!