#I don't keep up with abbreviations though so it could be something else. (I don't know what the kids are saying) Head empty. Bones old.

[devildom-moss]

Hey, bbg, i realized i haven't said anything for a while, so im here to check up on you and bother you again!

Fun BOF!au fact!

I dont remember if ive gone into detail about this incident, but lemme just put this here.

Someone, whom i will not name (because its not relevant), threw the kid off of the top of a 103 story building.

That was the day MC sprouted their wings!

That was also the day Simeon almost died (mentally)!

There was a lottt of blood..

Anwyays thats all! Remember to always eat, sleep, and dont do drugs!

Sincerely, 💜

Hi purple heart anon~

Whose blood exactly (because I don't think Simeon is above murder or attempted murder when it comes to his kid)? I assume it wouldn't be the kid's because if they sprouted their wings, I would suspect that they didn't end up hitting the ground.

Yeah, I could see poor MC being subjected to that cruelty. Any random pure-blooded demon, human, angel has the (evil) motivation to do that. I just imagine them being really gross about it, like "Come on, little angel - you're half angel, aren't you? Where are those wings, kiddo? Maybe we should test you and see if you really know how to fly." That awful (albeit kind of cliche) bully-like approach.

You take care, too, 💜 anon.

[featherwingfae]

So the nonhuman theme of the day that I've been seeing on the Internet seems to be self doubt both due to internal and external influences.

My response to this theme is this. You are who you are. And no one can tell you who you are but you. (The rest of the post is pretty much just this^^ in way more detail than necessary. You have been warned lol. Buckle up this is gonna be a long one. Literally took all day to write 😅)

Most of us live in a society where we've been told since infancy who we are are and what we must be, and if we don't fit in the predesignated boxes then there must be something wrong with us and we just need to be forced into a box. But just think about the vastness of life for a second. From macro to micro there's just so much to everything it's breathtaking. Everything is layered. Why should one being's existence be any different. There is what is seen and then there is everything else. Some thing's don't need to be understood by others, because they are not there for others. They are simply there. Wether we understand them or not. And that in itself (I think) is quite lovely.

I am Fae. Not just because of ______. I am Fae because it is simply what I am. It's what feels right.

It's ok to just exist. It's ok to live without ever fitting into boxes or labels. And if you find a label or box that fits you, that's ok too. It's your existence. Do what makes you happy. I've also found that sometimes, finding that feeling that you fit somewhere, comes first and the reasons why come after. Be patient. I know it's maddening sometimes when you've got a million questions bumping about in your head, or even just one or two burning ones, but life is a journey. A mystery to uncover through experiences.

I could give you a whole laundry list of reasons why I can call myself Fae. But at the end of the day, the only reason I need is that it feels right. I don't need to act like the stereotypical Fae (from folklore, media etc), I don't need to have magical experiences, I don't need memories. Keep in mind that your nonhuman identity does not need to match anyone else's.

If you're a Fae who loves technology and finds the modern age fascinating. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. (I LOVE Minecraft 😁 Though that may or may not have to do with the fact that I get to fly around and build whatever I want from nothing. Yes I'm obsessed with creative mode 😅 I usually get bored in survival)

If you're a Therian who's never enjoyed being on all fours or who doesn't like gear. It doesn't make you any less Therian. Do what makes you happy 😊.

If you're some ancient entity and you use an ungodly (hehe) amount of emojis and/or abbreviations (ex. Lol, omg, etc) it doesn't make you any less ancient or awesome. Do what you enjoy. You are too old to not be having as much fun as you can experience. I'm also an ancient creature, you really think I want to spend my time not doing what makes the happy chemicals 😊✨👁️🪽😁.

If you're an Alien who's not obsessed with space stuff. That's ok. Human portrayals probably don't do it justice anyway, and there's so many other things to be interested in. Like have you seen mushrooms? Those funky little guys come in so many varieties it's absolutely delightful 😊🍄✨.

If you're a vampire who can't stand the sight of blood. Don't worry about it. I can almost guarantee you're not alone (plus there's a lot of different types of vampires. If you know you are/were definitely sanguine then you're still valid 😊).

If you're fictionkin and you're absolutely nothing like your fictionkin type/character. That's ok 😊. People often change with their experiences, it doesn't make you any less yourself.

That last one applies to most nonhumans identities in general honestly 😅.

If you're an angel that doesn't/didn't have big feathery wings. You are still an angel. The universe is filled with too much color and variety for me to believe that all ______ have the same or very similar designs. I've never heard of an angel with dragonfly or beetle wings. That doesn't mean they don't exist 🙃.

You can be a plant who loves salads, a placekin who hates going outside, an objectkin that doesn't use it/it's pronouns or is super expressive, a vampire who adores sunbathing or just sunlight in general, a carnivore that doesn't like meat, an avian that's afraid of flying or heights, a demon with a heart of gold, a deity with social anxiety and/or low self esteem, an herbivore that loves going hunting, a dragon who prefers minimalism, an aquatic creature who doesn't like water, a void that's constantly overthinking, you can match all the known stereotypes for your nonhuman identity or none at all. You can have phantom shifts constantly or never get any, you can have countless identities, you can have just one, you can remember your past life/lives in detail or remember nothing at all, you can believe in past lives and souls, or not, your identity can be psychological, physical, spiritual, etc.

It's s your identity. No one else's. Just because you choose to share yourself or your identity with someone else does not mean they own you or your identity. It is, was and always shall be, yours. (Btw please please please, be careful who you share your nonhuman identity with. Not everyone is going to "get it". And not everyone is going to accept it. Stay safe, mentally, physically, emotionally etc.)

They say names have power. They also say not all things are what they seem. Whatever your nonhuman identity looks like, only you can know what it truly is. Understand that I am not saying that the appearance of one's nonhuman identity should be dismissed altogether, especially when one is still questioning. I am saying, that we shouldn't rely solely upon appearances. If your nonhuman identity fits in the category of x as far as appearances go but x just doesn't feel like it fits, then chances are, you're not x, or there's more to it than just x. I've known I was Fae since right around 2019. However I doubted myself for a long time because as far as I knew Fae were "supposed to have insect wings" and on top of having big feathery wings, I have a lot of them. In fact many of my nonhuman features could be considered angelic. However I've never felt particularly comfortable identifying as an angel. It just never felt like the right fit. It took awhile but eventually after I'd already accepted that my "angelic features" didn't make me any less Fae. I remembered why I had those features to begin with, and it all just clicked into place.

It's ok to not have all the answers or even the correct answers right away. Life is experiences. From moment to moment you are who you are. Things may change, new truths may be revealed, that doesn't make you or your identity any less real. You are whoever you are right now. Wether that is someone/something from everything you have ever been or ever shall be or just one thing right now, unconnected to anything else. You are not fake for changing. You're not fake for not changing. Most have doubts about themselves about all sorts of things. To the point where it seems like doubt is just part of the human world experience (not saying it's only a human world experience, just that everyone here seems to doubt themselves about something or other) and perhaps working through our doubts is a lesson of this place, then again maybe not 🤷. In the end what you believe is up to you😊.

Now, I'm not expecting that this single post from a total stranger will erase all your doubts. Not at all. I didn't write it to erase doubt, but rather to give it a little bit of something to fight against. To plant just one more seed in the hearts and minds of others who might need it or whom it might help in any way. This post is far from the only one out there, fighting doubt in its many forms and faces. And what I've said has already been said in many times and ways. But it's my take and not everything will click with everyone. If this post helps even just one being, then it has served it's purpose. Each and every single one or plural of us is unique in our own ways. And I truly believe that's one of the most wonderful things about life as a whole.

If you've read this far, I apologize if I got a bit carried away and made this post longer than necessary but it means a great deal to me and things that matter to me are very difficult to "sum up" 😅. And if you follow me. I warn you now that most of my posts will probably be a bit lengthy if not extremely so.

And now my dear creatures, crawlers, beasts, beauties, hellions, heavenlies (no I don't care that that's not a word it is now lol), magicals, marvels, wonders, wanderers, wildlings, winged things, whimsies, and whatsits (and everything beyond and in between) I wish upon you a most wonderful day/night. May you always know/remember that your existence makes the world a more magical place. 🌍✨ (And in my opinion we could use all the magic we can get 😊)

👁️🪽✨🍄🍀����🌱🥀❄️🌟✨

Till next time.

[cesium-sheep]

I think the immunologist actually went really well?

the tech bringing me back and checking bp and stuff was like "you're not here for regular seasonal allergies you don't have to worry about these parts of the form" and also totally understanding when I said my baseline bp tends high due to one of my meds. (although once again it was not high today)

the doctor themself offered/ordered additional diagnostics but doesn't disagree with the diagnosis at all, just thinks it could be vindicating and/or open up new treatment possibilities. they were pleased to see I'd done so much reading (I brought both books just in case) and that I had my consolidated/abbreviated lab results with me.

they said there's still a lot we can do, if I hear of new things they don't mention they're happy to look into them, there are experts that we can try if we run out of ideas, and they're not giving up on me. they explicitly said they're not giving up on me.

they also seemed to completely understand after one glance at my sf-36 chart that I am Not Stable, and they also completely understood the first time that I am perfectly happy to taper off the prednisone but I cannot do that when I am Not Stable and no one has been giving me anything else. they agreed that mr grodesky's "taper" was highly ill-advised.

they even understood that it was bad when I said I was too sick to crochet ;n;

(they also seemed understanding when I was squishy on whether or not I've experienced anaphylaxis and said that a bp drop during a flare could be indicative of anaphylaxis just by itself, so, wheee)

they asked what hobbies I have and I mentioned the manga sale and they actually waited to listen to my lungs just to hear what I had to say about it, and asked a follow up question after they were done, not to fill time but just because. that's very kind.

we're gonna double down on the loratadine and add a different h2, and also run some cumbersome annoying labs. if neither of those are enough we'll add the ketotifen, which has to come from a compounding pharmacy, and I don't have to go in for a new appt for that I can just message them. they also said their number is listed in several places in my visit summary and stuff.

I did ask just like, in the whisper ramble tags, on the kirblog, for people to maybe include me in their prayers if they had space and were the praying type. I guess it worked. I'll be sure to thank them.

we don't know yet if any of these med changes will work, but after 2 years of T-posing in a cornfield someone (other than me) is doing something. not just wringing their hands and looking worried (or actively shooing me away). something is actually happening, that's meant to actually address my problems.

I made sure to tell them that I appreciate them being upfront with me, and being like, on board. they talked like they're joining the team, not just doing a quick consult.

so I've gotta deal with the cumbersome home lab, update pcp and hem, and decide whether or not to keep the other immunologist. but that can wait. it was very exhausting.

also arin let me listen to one of my cds in the car and sing along loud even though she's probably tired. (she's never actually complained about me singing too loud I don't think, it's just that other people have.)

[ecosystem-administrator]

Mayhem Moondrop

WoL/OC tag meme! thanks @anneapocalypse for the tag!

Tagging in turn: @elizabethrobertajones, @tinygamertris, @gachabastard, @thesingingscorpio, @vitaecryptid, and @grahatiasravetower just in case you see this in a few months when you remember to log in again

(Choose whichever WoL/OC you want, do it more than once, ignore me entirely. what am I, a cop?)

B A S I C S

Name: Mayhem Moondrop

Nicknames: Mayhem is already a stage name and doesn't really need abbreviating. They will respond readily to whatever non-obscene epithets you choose to bestow, though.

Age: mid to late 20s at this point? 23 at the start of ARR

Nameday: 18th sun of the 4th astral moon

Race: Keeper of the Moon Miqo'te

Gender: No (agender)

Sexuality: Yes (pansexual and polyamorous)

Profession: Bard (actor, folklorist, and historian all in one word, what more do you need?)

P H Y S I C A L     A S P E C T S

Hair: Black, currently worn short but growing it back out - they had to cut most of it off after nearly losing an ear at the edge of the universe.

Eyes: Silver - Moon Keeper eyes are slightly reflective

Skin: Grey

Tattoos/scars: I don't mod aside from reshade so until they give us a fashion accessory, you'll just have to imagine an Archon mark on their right cheek post-Endwalker. They have relatively few scars - the most prominent is along their scalp, mostly covered by the hair that's still growing back in from when it was left.

F A M I L Y

Parents: Their mother was a poacher-turned-bandit in the Black Shroud; she was killed by Wood Wailers when Mayhem was barely old enough to say their own name, and they don't remember anything about her, or the gang she traveled with. Father unknown, and considering how Keeper culture works, was likely never expected to participate in parenthood beyond the siring of a child anyway.

Siblings: Due to how Moon Keeper naming conventions work, Mayhem is aware based on their original name that they were not their mother's first "son". No siblings have ever come forward to be associated, and they've never been interested enough to go looking.

Grandparents: Under the circumstances, good luck. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Emotionally they sort of consider Jehantel to be their grandfather, although it's not something they've ever discussed outright.

In-laws and other: No in-laws, although Count Edmont would be perfectly willing to consider himself for the role even though they were never married to Haurchefant; Mayhem is polite but keeps their distance a little bit because they don't want to explain to him their opinion on the Fortemps family dramas. Post-Endwalker the adult Scions are involved in a polycule which technically would add Wilfsunn and Bloewyda (as Urianger's adoptive parents) to the potential in-law list (excellent) but might also add Matoya (terrifying), so we're just not going there. As far as other blood relatives, in theory Mayhem could go back to the Shroud and find their mother's clan in hopes of reaching out to find some, but they're not interested in participating in traditional Keeper culture (which is highly gendered), and none of those people came looking for them when they were getting raised in Gridania, so they don't feel like there's much point.

Pets: None; they're not really an animal person

S K I L L S

Abilities: They've always been good with a bow, which was how they got their start as a wagon guard for some traveling performers, and gradually invited to participate in performances as their interest became clear. Over time, they've started to learn a few other fighting styles: red mage for when they want to take center stage rather than play narrator, astrologian for when the path of the story needs a little help to get on the right track, and most recently warrior so that they can pick up where someone else left off. They trained a little with firearms when they were in Ishgard, since Stephanivien had access to the best practice shooting range that would actually welcome outsiders, but ultimately they prefer archery.

Hobbies: Reading, writing, crafting, performing. For all that their formal education was pretty basic and perfunctory, Mayhem is a deeply curious person and loves to learn, and to share the knowledge they've gained in turn. They have a knack for understanding how to connect to an audience and meet them where they're at in order to draw them into a story or an explanation. While they were with the performers they also learned to make and repair costumes, and have kept up the practice enough that they're now a fairly accomplished weaver. Naturally, as a bard, they also sing and dance, and relish the chance to get back up on the stage from time to time to put on a proper show.

T R A I T S

Most positive trait: I would say their curiosity. The drive to learn and keep learning, to never assume they know everything, has kept them humble and compassionate throughout their journey.

Most negative trait: Avoidance and deflection. They love learning about other people but they rarely talk about themself, and especially early in their journey they took a very long time to bond with others in a way that would actually make them want to stick around. It wasn't until near the end of Heavensward that "run away and change your name and try to never look back" stopped being an option in the back of their mind.

L I K E S

Colors: They usually default to green for clothing choices, but they really love vivid colors in general, especially in intricate patterns. Thavnair was a delight.

Smells: Subtle, natural smells, mostly - flowers on the breeze, the forest after a rain

Textures: Soft and fuzzy, squishy and comfortable. They like the subtle roughness of old paper, too.

Drinks: Usually favors cool and sweet and fruity. Still has a melancholy weakness for hot chocolate.

O T H E R    D E T A I L S

Smokes: Nah, too much risk of messing with their voice

Drinks: Enthusiastically at social gatherings. Has been carried to bed more than once.

Drugs: Doesn't seek them out but is willing to partake if offered.

Mount Issuance: Their Grand Company mount has lived a pampered courier's life at the Rising Stones ever since the Scions moved in, and has most recently been transferred into Tataru's possession. Mischief, the black chocobo they consider their primary mount and companion, was a gift from Haurchefant, and is technically a little too big for them because Ishgard breeds chocobos meant for Elezen and Hyuran riders. They love her anyway.

Been Arrested: They've always managed to talk themselves out of trouble, aside from MSQ incidents.

[mainstoryarchive]

Troublemakers - 43: Break

Translator: Peace

Proofreader: nazunyan427

Mitsuru: Let's chow down~☆

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: Saison Avenue

(More time passes.)

Mitsuru: Let's chow down~☆

Mm-mm-mm, dewishish! This "Saysome Hullabaloo" bread's outta this world!

Tomoya: You mean "Saison Avenue", Mitsuru?

Mitsuru: Yeah, that! How am I supposed to remember that kinda name? They oughta shorten it like ES does, three letters max!

Tomoya: I'm not the guy to talk to about that.

Hajime: Heehee. But just ‘cause you abbreviate something, that doesn’t always make it any easier to understand… I still don't even know what the MDM stands for, as an example, and that's being held at the end of summer vacation.

Mika: Ahaha, sayin' th'full name each an' every time's real annoyin' to me, so I've been callin' it "The Ave" myself.

Tomoya: That just makes me think of an old-fashioned shopping district..!

Mika: Nnaaah, guess it might be kinda bad t'call such a fancy-schmancy place that, huh…

Hajime: Heehee. It really does feel like a high-end mall though, doesn't it? It's filled with so many shops…

Wasn't this built around the same time as the ES building, though?

Tomoya: Yeah, that's why there’s still a bunch of shops not open just yet.

It sure is something else though–All the shops here accept L$, so this whole neighborhood feels like Idol Country!

Mika: Fer suuuuure, though Oshi-san's been shadin' it as a "repulsive toybox" 'n stuff instead.

If yer lookin' to live on the cheap side, L$ is a real lifesaver… 'Specially fer me, since I'm just startin' to live on my own an' all – s'real expensive.

Hajime: Ah, so you didn't move into Starmony Dorms, Kagehira-senpai?

When I moved in, all I could think about was how much money I could save and how much more space my younger siblings would have room-wise when I was gone.

Mika: Nah. I'd always been in the dark 'bout ES an' that place an' all, so this is really comin' out of nowhere, y'know?

An' when I already got a place all rented out fer myself too– If I don't at least live there fer a li'l while I ain't gonna see a yen of my deposit money back either, so it's a real waste in that way too…

But compared to the dorms, my place is pretty outta the way, so I guess I'll give some thought t'movin' out one of these days.

Hajime: Heehee. It really was all of a sudden, wasn't it? Eichi-onii-chan can be so bad sometimes!

Mika: … Ya call that guy yer older brother?

Hajime: Ah, just out of habit. There's Ritsu-onii-chan and Nii~chan too of course, I'm so happy to have so many big brothers…♪

Mika: …Mmmm. So what's goin' on with Nazuna-nii lately anyway? Y’all still in touch? He went off t'university, yeah?

Hajime: Yes. Nii~chan's still a member of Ra*bits on paper, so we still talk business along with just about everything else over the phone.

It seems as if he's enjoying his university life to the fullest. I can't afford to go myself, but it looks like a lot of fun.

Mika: Studyin' is yer strong point though, Hajime-kun, so I think ya oughta consider yer future a li'l more.

As fer me, there ain't no road fer me to go down besides bein' an idol– heck, there ain't no road fer me to go down besides Valkyrie.

Between you 'n me though, I ain't cut out for this CosPro stuff… The only person I follow th'orders of is Oshi-san, but they're really stickin' their foot in the door.

An' since I keep gettin' confused by what I'm bein' told, lately I've ended up goin' back to doin' part-time jobs like I used t'do. Like m'goin' back to square one…

This time I'm workin' with all y'all in Ra*bits though, so s'real relaxin'. ♪

Tomoya: Ahaha, we're happy to help. … Rather, Kagehira-senpai, do you still keep in contact with Itsuki-senpai?

That guy's like your version of "Nii~chan", right? So if you asked him what to do, then I think all of your worries would just fly right away–

Mika: Nnah~, Oshi-san's startin' a new life of his own overseas, so he's real busy himself. He's got a habit of forgettin' t'stay in touch when he gets real enthused about creatin' somethin' new.

'Cause no matter where he is, he's always, always makin' the most amazin' art the world's ever seen.

Tomoya: That's the spirit, senpai! Well, I guess that sounds like I know it all, huh… ♪

Mika: S'fine, none of y'all in Ra*bits are strangers to me. In fact, it kinda reminds me of home– y'all're like a buncha li'l brothers to me.

Hajime: What an honor. ♪ In that case, should we call you "Mika-nii-chan" after all?

Mitsuru: I'm one step ahead of you there!

Mika: Ehhh? But the best big brother for you guys is Nazuna-nii… And for me, it's something like Oshi-san.

Hajime: …Eep?!

Mika: Wh-what's up, Hajime-kun? Ya made a real weird noise, y'know..?

Hajime: S-Sorry to worry you. Since I had the chance to, I thought I'd check my phone since I had it turned off during work… and the moment I turned it on, I was bombarded by notifications and the like.

Tomoya: Ah, I oughta check my own too. HoldHands sure is convenient, but it kinda feels like we're being controlled every step of the way… It's weird.

Mika: Ahaha, everyone was real against the wristwatch when they started makin' them too, 'cause they felt like their time was bein' restricted.

I can't get used to it. But it ain't like I hate bein' controlled either…♪

'Course, I'd toss my cookies if anyone but Oshi-san tried controllin' me though.

Hajime: Toss your cookies, huh… Waaa, huh?

Mika: Mm? Ya did it again, somethin' happen? S'cute every time ya cry out, y'know. ♪

Hajime: Eheheh, it just kind of slips out; I can’t really help myself…♪

[ ☆ ]

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[zarla-s]

why do you always censor swear words (excluding writing)

My reason for doing this is probably a bit unusual, or at least when I looked it up a while back I couldn't find anyone else who had this problem. But basically, whenever I say or type any kind of swear word (even mild ones), I get this intense spike of anxiety and fear like something terrible is going to happen to me. It's awful, I start shaking and my heart races and I feel sick. This happens even if I say one by accident, or if I say one when I'm completely alone and no one can hear me.

Weirdly, I swear in my thoughts all the time without any issue. Constantly even! And hearing or reading them is hilarious too, it doesn't bother me at all, and I can even mouth them fine as long as it's silent. It's the actual physical act of me personally saying or typing them that triggers that fear response, even if I want to swear (and sometimes I really do want to swear). I think it might be some kind of phobia, although I looked it up and couldn't find anyone else who had something similar. I feel like I've always had this fear - I can't pin it down to any one inciting event, haha.

When I'm writing fic, I get around it by typing the word backwards - I start with k, then add a c, then add a u, and so on. And in rough drafts I use abbreviations to keep up a flow - k, bs, t, king, ard, tch, ss. That kind of thing. Back in the day, one of my betas had to add in the swear words for me... that was how I met one of my betas actually, she wrote to me saying "I love your fic but you HAVE to stop censoring the swear words, it looks and reads terribly" and offered to help me with them. I could probably try the same backwards thing with comics/art but for some reason it's different when it's fic vs art, I don't know how to explain it.

Lately I've been trying to work on at least being able to type damn or hell (hesitated on both of these) without freaking out, since that opens up a lot of phrases and such that I want to use normally, haha. I've also tried to say them a bit in real life but it's still hard, it's like I have to really force myself physically to say it, and there's still the anxious buzz for a while afterwards. But I figure that with enough practice I can at least be able to work those two into my vocabulary. I’ve had this phobia(?) all my life though, so it’s very hard to ignore the “you can’t do that” voice whenever I start trying to say or type certain words... you can actually hear me struggle audibly with this during my Star Control Origins supercut back in 2018 when I accidentally bought two guns for my lander. In the end I couldn’t do it.

[suffering-with-fiery]

Rune translations and Bottom theories (I did my best!) (: It's long! I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG!!!! You've been warned. (Potential TWs below the cut) yeah Hyoga doesn't have a good time here.

I should probably start calling Hyoga "Hyouga" instead since I'm pretty sure it's spelled with a 'U'... but I probably won't. Apologies.

Bottom English translation by Tackmyn Y! (I can't speak Japanese, again, apologies, though I was able to make my own version of Autophagy)

Potential TWs (I dont want to harm anyone by going on this rant): Autophagy (medical terms), nightmares, demons tormenting a guy, Hyoga being unhealthy in more ways than one, mentions of death/murder, self esteem issues, mentions of destructive behavior, manipulation, violence.

Yeah, my boy Hyoga ain't having a good time in this theory.

I feel the need to clarify that this is all speculation. So uh. Everything here is just what I've been thinking about since I hopped into this rabbit hole.

Sinfan (I'm not sure what order they go in, it's quite hard to tell):

["Death"

"I"

"Revive"

"Spirit"

"I"

"Something with shape"]

I'm not fully sure what "something with shape" means, but there's a possibility that Sinfan could be referring to Hyoga, (a doll/wax figure) or maybe that Sinfan needs something with a shape to be able to exist. Sinfan could need a vessel to stay on the mortal plain and go undetected while staying alive.

Sinfan needs a vessel. And with that thought, it launches into indecipherable theory crafting.

Hyoga summoned Sinfan when he was 12 years old. Thinking he found a vessel, he called upon Pabometh, another grey demon, to help torment Hyoga so the two could get their wish.

Hyoga, at the time, is young, dumb and susceptible to manipulation, meaning it could be easy for Sinfan to grasp the situation with an iron grip which follows Hyoga into adulthood.

"Revival" could also be referring to "Rebirth," symbolized by a butterfly. It could also mean that Sinfan/Pabo has the powers to revive people. Maybe as a last resort if they need it.

In Hiiragi Kirai's album trailer on Youtube, Hyoga shows up in a scene with 'D' and 'B' in calligraphy on each cheek. They could mean "Death" and "Birth" respectively.

Lines from Autophagy:

"I just wants a peaceful life." Likely means Hyoga wants the demons gone so he can live how he wants to. (Who wouldn't?)

"The voice inside my head? Huh... how odd." Also implies that the demons are still with him.

"My body pulses, memories from my past bringing pain." Means that in Autophagy, Hyoga remembers his past, but it hurts him.

""You can't avoid it in life, so it's best to just deal with it." You say, but you dont seem bothered." Is most likely Sinfan talking to Hyoga. It could also mean that Hyoga can't avoid the demons, so he should just deal with it.

"I can't stop now, so pretend nothing happened!" Could be Hyoga trying to ignore the demons, or maybe he did something he shouldn't have. (Always knew those were prison tattoos...)

"I want to wash my skull out! I want to say bye bye! But yet I didn't do it..." Could mean that the demons are still with him in Autophagy and likely still tormenting him.

"I won't stop, I can't look back." Might mean Hyoga is trying to move on, but with the demons still in his head, he can't, so the "Let me forget!" after the instrument solo might be him wishing that he never remembered in the first place and trying to get the demons to take them away again.

"Just stay away from me!" Could be Hyoga distancing himself from everyone he knows, or trying to get the demons to go away.

"Hello! HAHAHAHA Hello! HAHAHAHAHA!" Might be Hyoga as he slowly loses his remaining sanity due to constant tormenting and pressure from the demons.

"A A A A- 'Allo/Allow/Arrow" could all imply different things, so I'll give a short on all of them.

"'Allo!" Is just an abbreviation of "Hello."

"Arrow!" -According to a quick google search- is a common symbolism for peace and philosophical ideas, and used for protection and hunting. It could mean that Hyoga just wants peace and quiet, which is enforced by "I just want a peaceful life." in the beginning.

"Allow!" Could mean that the demons are trying even harder to bend him to their will and take him over as a vessel. They want Hyoga to allow them to posses him so they can do whatever they please.

Pabo only has 2 that I can see:

["Nightmare"

"Save (?)ime"]

It might be "time" but I couldn't make out the rune symbol there.

"Nightmare" hardens my thought that Bottom is just a massive nightmare set up by the demons to torment Hyoga, that the song is sung from the perspective of one of the demons (likely Pabo), and that Young Hyoga(tm) in the video is Pabometh playing the part of his repressed/forgotten memories.

This is all assuming the song is, infact, sung by the demons.

Lines from Bottom:

"You're keeping me alive! Today, today, you're killing me!" Could go both ways (Pabo/Sinfan and Hyoga) For Pabo it could just be another variation of the next line I'm about to talk about.

For Hyoga it could mean that he wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have the demons (Sinfan might posses him to make him fit in so nobody notices, keep him from dying from mortal wounds, and he's lived with them so long he might not know what to do without them), but with them he's slowly tearing himself apart from the inside out due to their constant tormenting. Metaphorically or literally is anyone's guess at the moment.

"Autophagy" (his songs name) is a medical term for "self eat" which normally happens when your body is starved, so it eats it's own cells to survive as long as it can. It can also correlate to certain diseases. Autophagy in these terms might also be referring to emotions. It's possible he's been stewing in any sort of negative emotions to cause such effects. (I.E: Guilt, fear, self worth issues,) which could make his resolve weaker, making it easier for Pabo and Sinfan to torment him/possess him. The longer it goes on, the closer he could be to self destructing.

"A wax figure/a doll is keeping me alive/killing me." Is more related to the demons in my eyes. "Wax figure/a doll" is likely referring to Hyoga. Hyoga could be their only tie to the mortal realm, (Sinfan being more prominent because he was summoned first, and by Hyoga himself.)

It could also mean that they need to inhabit his mind/body in order to survive and make it easier to torment Hyoga. If they both are in Hyoga's mind 24/7 while he suffers from nightmares (which cause lack of sleep, keeping his body in a perpetually weak state), no self worth, and a fragile mental state ("I wanna keep you out of my fragile mind!") while he tears himself apart, it would mean it would be harder to stay with him without something happening.

Due to that, it's likely that the very thing keeping them alive and in the mortal realm is also killing them at the same time.

It may be worth mentioning that a line in Bottom is "You think you're a god to me?" while 9lore translated Rinen's (Möbius') tattoo on his chest, which reads "Be still and know that I am god." It could a a coincidence, but I thought I'd mention it just in case (:

Throughout the entire song the demons are mocking and belittling Hyoga. (I.E: "Defying all logic, you're nothing but evil." "You're so stupid! You scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!") Most of the angry rant type of thing happens when Young Hyoga (tm) is on-screen. (It could be a tactic to make Hyoga not want to remember/manipulate his memories/tear down his resolve even more/or just plain upset him.)

"I mean, who, who, who are you?" It's been made clear that for the longest time (according to WOOMA) Hyoga didn't even remember his own name. "Who are you?" might be Pabo trying to get into Hyoga's head and make him question his own sanity.

"What the hell are you to me?" Implies that Pabo also want Hyoga to question why Pabo is here. Sinfan was summoned by Hyoga, but Pabometh was likely summoned by Sinfan to help tear down Hyoga. That means the two don't have much history, and Hyoga most likely doesn't know why Pabo is here for awhile.

It's "you to me" instead of "me to you" so Pabo could also be trying to get Hyoga to try and notice him in a positive way so that the nightmares stop. I'll expand on that some more a few (a lot) of paragraphs down.

"Inside my heart is- such a rage! Such a rage! So I'll grab you, grasp you, and crush you flat!" Is a line I find interesting. It also leads directing into another line; "The symptom of the unforgettable emotion is my burning intent to murder, which is absolutely right." Pabo would likely be talking about Hyoga, which implies that if he could, Pabo would murder Hyoga himself, but since the "wax figure" is needed to keep both him and his accomplice, Sinfan, alive, he can't.

It also implies that Pabo is extremely angry with Hyoga, for a reason I can't particularly pinpoint, except maybe for the fact that Hyoga's becoming more and more unstable and not safe for Pabo and Sinfan. The only problem is, it's Pabo and Sinfans fault he's like that. They're the ones that chose Hyoga as a vessel while simultaneously destroying him.

However, it's possible that Pabo's aim was to devoid Hyoga of anything and everything, (I.E: memories, emotions, etc. etc.) so that he was just that: a vessel. But with Hyoga being so destructive to himself, the whole plan could have gone awry and Pabo's only thought was how furious he was at Hyoga for messing up his chance to be in the mortal realm undetected for good, meaning he wishes he could destroy Hyoga and just get it over with so him and Sinfan could wait until someone else summoned them so they could take advantage of that.

""How deplorable you are! How deplorable you are!"" Is a line that has a chance of Hyoga himself having said it due to it having quotes on it. It also implies that he he could be fighting back, so his resolve might not crushed completely. However, a show of strength like that would likely just enrage Pabometh even more than he already is. It also doesn't help the positive impression he wants Pabo to have of him.

"You're involving yourself with me again like a clingy, clingy neighbor!" Sounds like Pabo, again, insulting Hyoga. If we go off of another part of this fever dream I've cooked up, (Hyoga not knowing what to do without the demons, but with them destroying himself), sounds like Pabo doesn't want to be with Hyoga anymore, going as far as hating him so much he's festering in it.

The "again" makes it sound like Hyoga's tried to communicate with them more than once, being unsuccessful each time. Hyoga could be trying to latch onto them, either to take them down with him or trying to get the nightmares to stop. Like I said, for a while Hyoga could have been trying to get positive attention and make Pabo like him.

"The low-end is going to manipulate me." Could be Pabo addressing that he knows what Hyoga was trying to do and calling him out for it.

"Brimming with momentary anger, rot away quickly, quickly, quickly!" Again, Pabo is talking about his burning hatred for Hyoga.

"I'm always losing! How, how dare you!" Implies that even with all the nightmares and torment, Hyoga has just enough willpower to keep Pabo from getting his wish, angering him even more.

And finally, a line from Autophagy:

"Oh, rise seeds of evil, bursting with malice!" Might be Hyoga finally giving into the demons and becoming their vessel if they take away his painful memories and stop hurting him.

Pentagram:

["-r Guide(A) N(?)E A(?)R"

"The ability to know wh-"

"Grant me the power to be strong in spirit-"

"Grant me the wisdom to understand-"]

With it over Pabo, it's possible that this was the one that summoned Pabo instead of Sinfan, although with it also under Hyoga, it could be Sinfan's. Who knows, it might also be boths.

In the ending scene with the pentagram, the colors of the other songs are visible, meaning that it's possible all of them are connected.

(I could go on for hours about the small loopholes that I think mean all the songs are connected in specific ways. Either way I know they're all from the same universe.)

With all their colors on it, it might mean they all have a demon of their own.

I'm still working slightly on the pentagram, I'll probably keep ya updated if I can find out what the rest of it says (:

If anyone can find the full version (preferably readable) of the pentagram, that'd be lovely (if it even exists)

(If you find more runes in "Bottom" or another Hiiragi song I'd be happy to see if I can translate it (: I'm not very good though, and I can't speak Japanese-)

English translation of Bottom used by: Tackmyn Y (I don't know where you are but you're a lifesaver)

Find any spelling errors, let me know! I'll see if I can fix 'em (:

If you read this far, what're you doing??

Have an absolutely amazing day!!! <3

[bonesandthebees]

Okay so, Stars (is there another abbreviation?) I finally got to read it after waiting a whole day cuz school. I love it. I love Wilbur and Tommy’s relationship. I love how the bickering is so natural Tommy almost starts yelling even though they need to be quiet because it’s just second nature.

Also, How dare you leave Niki even though it makes total sense that you needed to leave Niki. I do have a question. Did the guards know the code to let her out? Or only Dream/Eret? Cuz that’s something they could have done, but in the heat of the moment didn’t think of. Or would it pose too much risk since they need to instantly give them a new com and after the first ends? Actually, Niki would have probably made them do that if they knew. Like she would try, so she must know they don’t, right? (for the record, I think it’s very plausibly they are so focused on getting rid of the guards they forget to let them try and free Niki)

Then, the wind. You really went, go and relive your trauma, didn’t you? But they made it. And then the tension finally catches up to them. And we get a mini fight. Which really shows the stress Wilbur is under to try and save them. Because while Tommy does provide the vital info that allows them to prepare. Wilbur is really carrying this escape and it’s very annoying when people shoot down your ideas without providing any of their own even without it being your only option. Then add trying to talk yourself into an idea while someone else is trying to talk you out of it.

Still, Tommy is stressed too, but I’m not quite sure if he can see past to older brother he looks up to to see the amount of stress he’s under. Or maybe he’s just ignoring it for comfort. Nice detail. Tommy can only use his voice when Wilbur is actively in danger. Nice touch. The anxiety rush is so big it triggers it. Or maybe it’s the motivation.

P.S. Can’t wait for Zephys IV. When that info drops, I’m making you ramble.

-🌲

SPRUCE ANONNNN hi yes i just call it stars for short

lsdkjf thank you for saying you love the crimeboys dynamic, I really am having a lot of fun playing with their dynamic here because it's different from how i've written them before. this is the first time i've written them as being blood-related and having grown up together, so it creates a slightly different dynamic between the two of them compared to when i write them as found family. not by much! but there is a bit more room there for push and pull because they have a lifetime of familiarity with each other and know exactly how far they can push the other. it's a LOT of fun for me to play around with

also to answer this question (and a lot of people who have asked it) no! the guards at niki's door did not know the code to let her out. the reason being was that on the off chance the silencing feature on the barrier glitched out or something, niki would be able to use her Voice to make them let her out. obviously they didn't want that, so to negate that risk they made sure the guards she had didn't know the codes. so even if the boys thought of that, it wouldn't have worked. obviously though they were so panicked it didnt even cross their minds to try it

yesss sometimes when escaping a life or death situation you have to relive the trauma of seeing your mom die haha... god i'm putting these boys through so much. and I had a note written to myself to make sure to include a mini fight between the boys, because they are both under a LOT of stress, especially wilbur. he was bound to snap eventually, and it's not going to be the last time that happens. logically, tommy knows wilbur has to be just as terrified and stressed as he is, but in the same way you don't want to acknowledge that your parents might not know what to do in a terrifying situation, tommy doesn't want to accept that wilbur might not know what the hell he's doing. it's easier to trust that his older brother will keep him safe and that wilbur is not two seconds away from losing his shit, because if wilbur loses his shit tommy certainly won't know what to do. so yeah he's just. he's mostly ignoring that fact for his own comfort

and yeah tommy's use of the Voice is not going to be a thing we see a lot. he's really not good at the Voice, it's just something he can do if he's really desperate which usually equates to wilbur being in danger. he hasn't magically gotten better at it, it's mostly just adrenaline and desperation

[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader °part fourteen°

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

"It's called Recover and Enable with Stark Technologies: Opportunity, Revival and Excellence. Or uh, RESTORE for short." Tony explained, the hologram capturing what they all knew to be one of his last days. "Damn, now that I say it aloud, it's a bit pretentious but we'll get used to it." He chuckled, still a little proud of his abbreviation.

"It's a resources company really. Offers financial help to families affected by the snap along with structure and aid to businesses, cooperations, hell even the government. They've always had their heads up their asses though." Y/n listened carefully, her heart stinging a bit more than usual. Maybe it was from watching yet another message from her idol and lost friend.

"It comes along with therapy and counseling. Really it's supposed to help piece the world back together. You should feel right at home. It was that aspect that told me you'd be perfect for the job. I'm sure I can help you with the other parts of the job. Or uh, Pepper will. I was never any good at running a business that was always her thing." Tony smiled fondly, the hologram's eyes seeming to stare straight into Pepper's.

Y/n could tell Pepper was fighting tears. It only made her own guilt grow.

Why did Tony have to die? It wasn't a fair question. Not to her. She should've done more, should've given her life to let him live the rest of his. To see his daughter grow up. To let Pepper finally have peace.

But what if she had? Would Bucky had even known she was his soulmate? Would he have found her body in the rumble, her shattered arm and scarred skin barely visible from the damage of the stones she should've been destroyed by. Would he have had to find out his soulmate had lost the war from her stopped countdown? Would he have had to piece together how close they were to meeting? Would he recover from that?

"We need to start soon," Pepper spoke suddenly, hastily wiping her face as she stood. Y/n watched wide eyed and silent as Pepper paced over to a man she'd learned to be Happy, quietly requesting he watch Morgan. Y/n stood, quickly moving to follow the woman.

She understood what Pepper was doing. She was avoiding the pain, putting all her effort and focus into anything but the death of her husband. Hundreds of people did it after the first snap and she couldn't say she blamed them. But it was different this time. There was no way she could've prevented the first snap, no way she could've saved all of those lives that were now returned.

But the last snap was within arms reach of her. She was capable of stopping it, sparing the last victim of the snap. But she failed.

Maybe Pepper had the right idea. This guilt was overwhelming.

"Tony set up some meetings with other corporations for Monday. I'd like you to be there with me." Pepper told her, her heels rhythmically clicking down the steps as Y/n followed carefully.

"Monday? Doesn't this seem a little rushed? I mean, I don't even know what I'm doing. Shouldn't I have some kind of lessons?" Y/n objected, her brow creasing warily.

"You'll learn through experience." Pepper replied. It was too much, too overwhelming. Y/n had just lost two friends, another left her and she'd met her soulmate. Now they wanted her to run a company that the world would eventually depend on?

How would she even begin?

In an effort to take a breath, she looked away from Pepper, her eyes trailing to the lake. It was peaceful, much more peaceful than Y/n had felt in days-years if she was being honest.

She hoped that after everything that had happened, she could just go back to being normal or as normal as someone like her could be. She didn't care about the hero's life and she didn't want to be Iron Star for any longer than she had to. But as she looked around at the others, she realized that was becoming less and less of a possibility. They looked at her as if she were next.

They seemed to know she was going to be one of them just by looking at her. But why? Because Tony took a chance on her? Because they were so similar? Or was it something else, something she hadn't seen yet?

Suddenly the calm ripples in the water were disturbed with a large splash, sending the area into chaos. A rock had broken the surface of the lake, sinking in the next second. It happened so quick and so subtly that she wasn't sure it'd even happened. The water calmed once more and the rock was lost to the bottom of the lake.

Once finding the source of the rock, her breath hitched.

He was there at the lakeside, pacing with one hand in his pocket while the other rubbed his neck. His head was downcast and he looked stressed, just as stressed as she was. That's when she realized.

He'd just met his soulmate too. After what she guessed to be almost 90 years. Nearly a century without his soulmate. He was just as nervous and overwhelmed. But it didn't mean he wasn't dying to talk to her. She could feel it, his eagerness. The way his heart ached to speak to her again even if only a few words. She wondered if he could feel her own longing.

"I need to do something. I'll be right back." Y/n excused herself, trying to be as polite as she could. She knew Pepper wanted to carry out her husband's last wish as soon as possible but they both knew he wouldn't have meant it like this. Didn't mean to leave them alone to handle it.

Pepper nodded, releasing a sigh. Everything was beginning to weigh down on her and she knew forcing more onto her shoulders wasn't gonna work this time. "Just call me tomorrow, okay?"

"I will." Y/n assured, looking back to Bucky. Pepper's expression had softened a bit following Y/n's gaze.

She remembered the first time she'd met Tony. At first he was adamant about their relationship, refusing to let her forget they were soulmates. But after what happened in Afghanistan he stopped his teasing. He stopped addressing it altogether. The trauma was too much.

Tony wasn't the same and things changed. But she liked to think it was for the better. He was a better man but he stopped seeing himself as worthy of a soulmate. He forgot what soulmates were for and it crushed Pepper.

She refused to let Y/n feel the same.

"Just meet me at Stark Industries on Monday. Have this time with him." Pepper told Y/n, motioning her head toward Bucky.

Y/n nodded softly, working up the courage to make her way to him. "Thank you."

•••

"What did that poor rock do to you?" Bucky froze at her question, whipping around to face her. She offered a soft smile, trying to break the awkwardness before it became too strong.

Bucky let out an airy laugh, looking back at the lake where he'd just thrown the rock. "Looked at me funny." He replied jokingly, turning back to her. She moved carefully toward him, coming to stand at his side a couple feet away.

He wished she would stand closer, close enough for him to put his arm around her. Close enough for him to hold her tight and never let her go. But he'd respect the distance. He'd give her space.

There was a buzz in the air as she stood there next to him, as if everything was falling into place. It felt like the atmosphere had shifted, that the stars had aligned. After all these years without her, he finally had her.

And all he could muster was, 'looked at me funny'?

"Must've been some look." Y/n replied with an amused smirk.

The silence was overwhelming but welcomed. Of course both wanted to fill it with anything and everything they could say but neither were ready for that. They each had their secrets, their pasts. They were at a conflicting crossroads.

"It's strange. I've waited my whole life to tell you everything but now I don't have anything to say." Y/n let out a strained laugh, looking down at her sling. She wanted so badly to see her countdown, to finally confirm to herself that she had him and that he wasn't going anywhere. But her countdown couldn't promise that. Only fate could keep him at her side and so far fate hadn't been kind.

"Me too." Bucky mumbled, cringing at how awkward he believed to be making things.

'Say something.' His mind cursed at him. 'Say anything.'

"You're really beautiful." He spoke suddenly, his face flushing at how stupid he sounded. He meant it of course. She was stunning despite the cuts and bruises along her features. Gorgeous even with the dirt and dried blood that traced her hairline. Enchanting regardless of the sling that obstructed her movement. She was beautiful.

But saying it aloud after only speaking a few words to one another made him feel silly. So long ago he'd call complete strangers beautiful without a second thought. But was that right with his soulmate? Were there certain things he should do? A way to act?

All his worries faded away with her smile, such a glorious thing he couldn't wait to see everyday for the rest of his life. If she would have him.

"Thank you, Bucky." His name slipped off her lips so naturally it was as if she'd been saying it all her life. And maybe she had. Fate worked in mysterious ways and his mother was a firm believer that soulmates always found one another. In this life or another. He'd never believed it but now he had. They'd found each other, despite time and despite space. They were bound to one another and he could feel that Y/n knew it too.

"I have a place in the city. It's where I was heading before...you know. Not that meeting you was an inconvenience, I honestly never thought I would. Not that I didn't want to, I dreamt of it...-I'm rambling now." She sighed. How had she managed to make it even more awkward?

"It's okay." Bucky assured, unable to stop his smile from growing.

"What I was trying to say is I'd like you to stay with me, if you want. It might be a little bit more comfortable than whatever lodging Fury is getting for you all. I have a spare room." She offered, her heart heavy with the idea of Steve being gone. He'd chosen the life he wanted. Unfortunately she wasn't a part of it.

"I'd like that." Bucky nodded, his heart swelling at the suggestion. Not only was it one of the few kind acts he'd experienced since escaping HYDRA, it was also an invitation from his soulmate into her life.

He wouldn't squander the opportunity.

"Great." Y/n smiled, releasing the breath she'd been holding upon his answer. A part of her had been scared of rejection. But she guessed things with soulmates were different. They were easier. Maybe it was the assurance that they were the right match or maybe it was just the overall feeling of belonging that came with the other's presence.

Soulmates were easy.

At least she thought.

•••

When they arrived at Y/n's apartment, she was grateful she had cleaned up before everything that had happened. She'd never brought a man home before, let alone her soulmate and she wasn't sure what to say or do. The only person that she'd even brought to her apartment was Steve and by then their conversation flowed as easily as breathing.

"You have a nice place, very um, modern?" He offered, not knowing what to say himself. It'd been so many years since he'd even talked to a woman and he wasn't even sure he knew how to flirt anymore.

"Thank you." Y/n replied quietly, glancing around the apartment as if trying to see it through his eyes. She remembered Steve mentioning the lack of photos once when he first started to live there. Did Bucky think it was weird?

"Can I get you something to drink? Water, coffee, wine…?" She trailed off. Bucky looked at her, taking notice of her own nerves.

"Water is fine." He answered, smiling at her softly in any attempt to soothe her.

It seemed to work as she smiled back at him, turning toward the kitchen to get a glass of water. "Make yourself comfortable. You can watch TV if you'd like." Y/n called to him, taking a moment after pouring the glass to lean against the counter and sigh, hiding away from the source of her anxiety.

She'd always wanted to meet him. She had wanted to have him in her life from the moment she'd heard about soulmates. But what she never expected was how awkward it would be. She'd always been told that soulmates clicked instantly but they hadn't quite clicked yet. And she could tell Bucky felt it too.

Perhaps it was everything they'd been through? Maybe it'd changed them both enough to where clicking was harder? Or maybe they'd never click.

Her heart dropped at this, sending a surge of pain through her chest. Would she even be able to live with herself if they never clicked? She'd lost everyone, would she lose her soulmate too?

Suddenly a booming voice echoed from the living room, frightening her out of her daze. Quickly grabbing the glass, she dashed into the living room, plucking the remote from the wide eyed Bucky. Hastily, she muted it letting out a panicked sigh as the reporter continued on with his story silently.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't be sorry, really. Trust me that's not the first time I've had to rescue a 100 year old vet from my TV. It just seems to know who to attack." She nervously laughed, setting down the remote. The tense air seemed to relax at that and Bucky found himself chuckling along with her.

The accident, though startling at first, made her feel more at ease. It was something familiar and for the first time since their meeting, there was no awkward feeling between them.

"Here," Y/n handed the glass to him with a shaking hand, trying not to let him see how much had spilled out onto her hand when she rushed into the living room.

Bucky accepted it from her, his fingers lingering on hers for just a moment before retracting.

He could feel her but not like his hand used to. The metal digits no longer felt warmth or pain or tenderness. He could feel when something touched him but all the things that made touch special were stolen along with his real appendage. He wished he'd reached out with his other arm, that he could feel the softness of her skin, the warmth.

"I-I'm not sure how this goes. I rehearsed this a thousand times when I first got my countdown but things are so much more different than I expected. My parents always raised me on the false ideal that we'd meet somewhere cliche like a coffee shop or something." She shook her head, immediately regretting her words the moment they left her mouth.

"I don't really know either. Honestly, I never thought I'd meet you." He sighed, his heart aching with the decades he'd lived believing that he'd die before meeting her. But now she was here and he was ruining it.

Y/n frowned with him, racking her brain for anyway to save their less than perfect first day. "Maybe we should start over." She suggested, putting out her free hand to him.

"Hi. I'm Dr. Y/n L/n." She introduced, deciding there couldn't be harm in starting over. Their meeting was emotional and overwhelming and after all it was just awkward. But Y/n didn't want to remember it that way and neither did Bucky.

As she had hoped, he smiled, putting his own hand into hers and shaking it gently. "Sergeant James Barnes. But everyone calls me Bucky." He replied, his smile growing as she looked at him, her eyes conveying all the warmth she was too scared to admit.

"It's very nice to meet you, Bucky." Y/n smiled, studying the way he looked at her and trying not to let herself blush.

"It's an honor to meet you, Y/n."

•••

The rest of the evening continued this way, an occasional small bount of awkwardness along with some silence before another conversation arised. It was just like getting to know a stranger and while it wasn't what she had anticipated when she thought of meeting her soulmate, it still made her happier than she had ever been.

"So, I started to climb up the fire escape because I definitely wasn't going to wait outside in the snow storm for Steve to rescue me." Y/n explained matter-of-factly, earning a small chuckle from Bucky.

"Of course." He replied shortly, already picturing the woman before him beginning her journey up the fire escape.

"Turns out Steve was already home but he was in the shower. He got out right as I made it to the window and he nearly threw me several stories because he thought I was a burglar. He was so mad, he called me crazy about a hundred times before finally letting me in." Bucky laughed at her retelling, watching the glimmer in her eyes as she relived it.

"Like he's one to judge. When we were younger he'd lose his key all the time, had to start hiding one under a brick at his ma's apartment." Bucky told her, his heart aching slightly as he thought of the last time he'd had to help Steve. His mother had just passed and Bucky was pleading with Steve to stay with him. But Steve was independent, always had been.

"He wanted to change the locks when he found out I lost my key, which I mean, is a fair request but realistically there are about 3 million apartments in the city and the chances of someone finding this one was impossible. Also when you add Captain America into the mix, the chances of your apartment being robbed are quite slim." She explained. She still hadn't changed the locks now that she thought about it and Steve was gone.

And besides she'd survived before Steve. But it didn't make her miss him any less.

"You can never be too careful." Bucky replied, shrugging softly.

"I suppose." Y/n mumbled, looking down at the coffee table where her feet were resting. It always drove Steve crazy but it never stopped her. Yet now she almost felt compelled to do so. Some way to respect his wishes. "What was he like? Who was Steve before the serum and everything?" She asked, slowly dropping her feet from the table.

The question stunned Bucky, leaving him speechless for a few short moments. Several words popped to his mind to describe Steve but they were all things he knew Y/n would already have witnessed.

"He was selfless and brave. And stupid. So stupid. Never knew when to sit a fight out." Bucky chuckled fondly, though it faded just as fast as it had come. "He fought for me when I was on the run from HYDRA. He lost everything to save me."

"Sounds like Steve." Y/n didn't lift her gaze only offering a weak smile at her beloved friend's description.

Y/n was exhausted, so much more tired than she believed possible but given her physical state it made sense. She yawned, trying to muffle as much of it as she could, her eyes watering at how harsh the yawn had rolled through her.

Bucky hardly noticed, a bount of guilt settling on his heavy heart. Bucky didn't deserve saving. But Steve fought for him anyways. And now he was sitting next to his soulmate, the very soulmate he dared not envision a life with for fear of a broken heart.

"How weird that Steve befriended us both, nearly a century apart. And I thought fate was fucked." Y/n laughed quietly, drawing Bucky out of his thoughts. Another yawn took hold of her and Bucky noticed this time, a soft smile gracing his features as he watched her nose scrunch and her hand pathetically fail to hide the yawn.

"It's been a long day." Bucky said quietly, earning a small nod from her.

"You're right." She mumbled, trying to fight off the sleep that so desperately wanted to claim her. There was still so much she wanted to talk to him about and the few hours they had spent getting to know one another didn't feel like enough. But her body was protesting every second she spent awake.

With a silent sigh, she stood pacing off toward Steve's room to find Bucky some clothes for bed. Bucky rose from the couch to follow, taking notice of how her breathing seemed ragged, almost forced.

It worried him but he didn't say anything. Maybe this was normal? He had no idea. He hadn't thought to ask Steve about her condition and asking her now didn't seem right. So he merely watched her with a silent and concerned gaze.

However once reaching Steve's room, Bucky's attention was stolen. It was clear Steve lived in this room. Whether it was the religiously kept bed, neutral colored clothes hung neatly in the closet or the drawings and pictures strung along his walls, Bucky knew this was where Steve had spent a great deal of time.

The pictures varied in a great deal of things, from NYC buildings drawn from the point of view of the street to beautiful scenes from different cities that Bucky guessed Steve had seen during missions. But one in particular caught his eye, pinned carefully to the wall with a tack.

It was of Y/n from her shoulders up, her head slightly turned down. He found her face was quickly becoming a source of comfort. Just seeing her put him at ease and he'd only met her that day.

The picture gave him that same kind of feeling, the feeling that made his chest soft and his muscles relax. It was a way he had yet to see her, so peaceful and calm.

She was reading a book or maybe a magazine? Her eyes focused on the words but there was a daze behind them as if she were daydreaming. He wondered what she had been thinking about. Wondered why she no longer wore her hair like it was in the portrait. Or maybe she did and he hadn't seen it yet?

There were so many things he'd yet to know and a part of him was furious that he had missed all this time with her. He wanted to know her as well as Steve had, wanted to know everything that made her Y/n. He was furious with fate for stealing that from him.

"Here, these might be comfortable enough for sleepwear. But honestly none of Steve's clothes look very comfortable." Y/n spoke, sending a wary look toward Steve's closet where she'd just been.

"So, Steve lived here?" Bucky asked, under the impression that Steve was more of a frequent guest. Y/n tilted her head with a small nod, looking around at the room.

It had once been her office, the very office she used to hold her sessions in. But once branching out to old cafes, the room was often vacant. Thankfully that was around the time she met Steve and the room quickly found a new purpose.

"Yeah, I mean he still went to the compound sometimes but this was his home. He didn't pay rent but he helped out around the apartment, most of the time." Y/n shrugged, smirking slightly. "He had a thing about dishes." She spoke, raising a brow at Bucky as if he might have some sort of background on the interesting flaw.

"He used to say didn't like his fingers to get wrinkled but I always knew it was because soggy food made him sick." Bucky explained, smiling at the memory.

Never before had he met someone who knew Steve as well as he did. It had always been just them. And while he was gone it was just Y/n and Steve. Now they were desperately trying to piece themselves together. It was strange, finding someone exactly like him, yet so different.

"You know, for a guy who's seen so much violence, I didn't think that soggy food would be his Kryptonite." Y/n remarked, walking over to the bed and sitting on the side.

"Kryptonite?" Bucky asked, the word foreign to him. Was it like Vibranium?

Y/n paused. "Oh um. Superman? From the comics? He was still kind of new around your guy's time. 1938, I believe." She explained.

Bucky nodded softly, vague memories of Steve mentioning it to him resurfacing. "I remember seeing them but I never really read them." Bucky replied, watching as she adjusted her sling.

"Well, Superman's one weakness was Kryptonite. I guess Captain America's weakness is dishes." She chuckled, seemingly unaware of how distraught her condition made him.

A silence fell over them after that, nearly killing them both. It was almost annoying how badly their conversation flowed. The most at ease they'd felt with each other was when they first met. When they were in each other's arms. It took everything she had not to stand up and throw herself into him again.

"Well, I um, I'm going to um-..." Y/n mumbled, trying to dismiss the thought. Bucky nodded softly, shifting the clothes in his hands. A simple pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

"Yeah." He murmured, watching quietly as she stood making her way to the door.

There was a tension between them, the kind that made Bucky's heart clench and his brows furrow. Y/n could feel it too. But neither acted.

"Goodnight, Bucky." Y/n spoke barely above a whisper, the weight of the tension crashing down on her.

"Goodnight." He replied, his eyes trailing her until she disappeared down the hall.

The weight lifted as soon as she was gone but he soon found himself missing it. Why was talking to her so impossibly hard? He tried telling himself that with time things would get easier but time was the only thing he was no longer willing to give up. He needed to try something different.

Needed to reapproach the whole soulmate thing.

Part fifteen

Taglist:

@jessyballet

@eldahae

@kissesofdeadforme

@wantingtobekorra

@sxphiiwrld

@lunaticbarnes

@indecisivedolly

@saiyanprincessswanie

@whatifwedo

@arguedquill1226

@lunashaw57

@3aileypage

@mela-noche

@homosexual-having-tea

@steve-rogcrs

@yayrainday

@buckybarnesdevotee

Sorry for such a delayed update, I've been so busy lately but I hope to start updating regularly again! Let me know if you'd like to be added to the taglist!!!

[rhydium]

Could you give a big general description of what your AU is about? I've only been able to catch some tidbits of it (feel free to give as many details as you want though, I love reading about people's stories/headcanons!!)

i can do my best yea!!! :D

to kick things off, i would recommend checking the masterpost, which will be pinned on my blog! particularly, infinite’s backstory essay. already 12k words of free content right there, and good for establishing context!! more things will also be added over time, such as updated references, so i recommend checking back now and then if you’re interested!

given the length of the essay though, for you or anyone else who may not want to read through it, the main details you ought to know are as follows;

– the au is fully canon compliant to the prequel comics, the main game, and the episode shadow dlc minus one detail;

– that detail is that shadow did not kill the jackal squad, however, until after the war is over, infinite believes he did due to eggman being a massive [redacted]

– yes, they are still alive, but who can say where... if you were wondering :)

– this is all only partially idw compliant as it's an ongoing series obvi, and diverges around when starline has been kicked from the empire

essentially, i guess it’s about... okay. so. infinite and starline are very parallel characters in my opinion; they both crave recognition, acknowledgement, and will chase that desire for these things to very dangerous lengths. they both feel they must prove something, to either others or themselves. i'd say its considerably more noticeable in infinite, and my personal belief regarding him is that he ties in his worth with his strength – i mean, that’s practically canon, it's not really subtext.

i feel it’s something sorta like... if people fear them, to be perceived as a bad person, a threat, they're still being perceived. if people are scared of them, that means they're worth noticing, their lives have some kind of impact – even if it's negative. we don't know as much about starline, you could definitely say these themes went a lot harder with infinite, but they're like... i do think they're there. i saw similarities in their thought patterns, and i really, really wanted to explore these similarities!

while infinite is kind of manipulated into the empire to a degree, starline is far more enthusiastic, but ultimately... the interesting thing is, they end up in pretty much the same place. discarded.

infinite, post forces, has been trapped in nullspace, for... roughly a month. my calculations could be a bit off, i really did try to keep track of the loose passage of time in the comics, but. yeah! take this estimate with a grain of salt!! he can't get himself back out again, as the phantom ruby is totally janked up. if you check out my side document on the ruby, there’s more info on that! an abbreviated version – he overused it, and an off-balance ruby is a dangerous ruby, hence his struggle to maintain a physical form. you can’t just recreate the entire sun without paying a uh... significant toll.

his experience there is definitely not pleasant, with nothing to do but contemplate his failures and faults. it’s also disconcerting, as time there is absent. he has no idea how long he’s been there. hours? days? weeks? or years? and what if he never gets out – is this his punishment, he wonders? condemned to an eternity alone, floating in an empty void? not even capable using the ruby to create the illusion of company? unable to die?

but finally, then, then comes a glimmer of hope, with the appearance of a strange new gem. the warp topaz. in the present day/real world, as we knw from the comics, it had just been cast away to an unknown location. don’t ask me the specifics on how this works, but, like, listen, it’s magic, and that thing has gotta be somewhere!! anyway. while escape isn’t possible with the drained phantom ruby alone, when he combines both gems, he’s able to warp time and space and free himself, though it’s not a painless endeavour.

finally, he is back in the real world. he identifies his location as mystic jungle, where it all began – the irony isn’t lost on him. as he is very disoriented, unsure of how long he’s been absent, he decides he ought to, naturally, get a grasp on that. he could also do with having shelter, as unless it’s been many years – which is plausible, but he would prefer not to entertain the concept – then he will want to stay away from any watchful eyes and lay low.

the two gems are also now unresponsive, most likely a result of the massive reaction between them. he should figure out what this other one is, he thinks, once the basics are covered. he’s significantly weaker following these events; first the drained ruby, then the massive energy reaction of using both it and the topaz, combined with the fact that, while he can survive for quite some time without sustenance, he hasn’t eaten in a long time. being part organic, part robotic, and involved in a symbiotic, parasitic relationship with the ruby, it all gets kind of complicated for him. he needs food and water and rest still, however, it’s more infrequent. after a week or two is when the side effects begin displaying themselves. anywho!

infinite also briefly wonders what his long-term plan is, now, following his defeat, finding he isn’t sure. he doesn't know what he wants anymore, feeling purposeless. he can’t dwell on it.

he heads for the abandoned laboratory.

it is there, however, that he finally ends up learning of eggman's lies to him. when he turns on the power to boot up the computers, he is able to determine the date... and then he decides to go through some of the files. his attention is caught by a folder simply titled “infinite.” within it are details about him, an unnerving amount of things, audio and text logs of various experiments, and... a recording from january 11th. two months before the war began. the night his squad – his family – had been killed.

he draws a deep breath in when he clicks it.

eggman’s gleeful cackle fills the room, and he swears he feels something deep within him twist. the man happily details the success of his plan to frame shadow for murder, to set infinite up, and in that moment, everything changes.

for better or for worse?

they’re alive. or – were? what had happened since? what if eggman killed them later? what if they got away and then – then... died because of – he feels sick. because of the war. because of him. the war he started because he thought they were already dead.

dread, relief, anger. mixed emotions pull him all directions, but as he sits there, letting it all sink in, one is strongest; the one that’s always strongest.

eggman. the doctor used him, manipulated him. turned him into a pawn, and infinite, gods, he had let him, guided by grief and a very similar fury to the one he’s feeling right now. he gave up his body, endured test after test, tore the whole fucking world down, and why, for what? everything he had done, he did for a lie. the torment he caused, the destruction... becoming a weapon. he had become everything he despised.

but he knows now. he has the truth, now. and he has his new purpose. it won’t be like last time, no. infinite is informed, and this is between solely him and the doctor. eggman is right in his crosshairs, and he’s itching to fire.

first, however, he has to find him.

so, he checks the eggnet pings. he sets out, chases some rumors, dead end leads. then, he gets a name. starline. from all the intel infinite can gather, he was working with eggman during the time he himself was gone, and he had missed... quite a bit. it isn't clear if they are still in alliance, but either way, the platypus may know something, so infinite decides to divert attention to searching for him, instead.

he finds him.

he's quick to learn starline is no longer with the empire, another lackey tossed aside, though the man claims even if he knew anything, he wouldn't tell infinite anyway.

"you would show that much loyalty to a man who cast you aside in a blink?" infinite asks, and starline is quiet. "you owe him nothing. even if he takes you back, you will never know security. one mishap, one wrong remark, and you’ll be back here again, squirming around like a maggot in the wreckage. if you have studied him this long, you ought to be aware of the patterns."

"i was–"

"different?"

the silence is confirmation in and of itself.

infinite snorts softly. "don't go fooling yourself."

"then why did you?" starline bites, gritting his teeth. "why did you align yourself with him? you're acting like you're so smart, but need i remind you, here we both are."

infinite's gaze is icy, unwavering. "that's my business. but i was not planning to remain complacent. our agreement was built upon deception. he withheld information, and intended to betray me. i planned to do the same. subservience is not my style. was it yours?"

starline glares back, equally frigid. his fingers curl, clenching into fists, but he says nothing.

“if i were you, i would not allow myself to be limited by merely trailing along after another.”

“i don’t recall asking for your advice, dog.” the doctor sneers.

infinite hums. “i suppose. we’re done here, then. do whatever you want,” he waves a hand dismissively, turning to take his leave, “it’s your choice.”

he gets only a few paces away before starline suddenly calls out, halting him in his tracks.

"wait," he says, "i believe you have something that belongs to me."

infinite twists to look over his shoulder, unblinking. "we are through talking."

"the warp topaz. return it."

"why the hell would i? i don't know you, and you've been nothing but a pain in my ass.” infinite replies coolly. “who are you to make demands of me?"

"i have spent a very long time studying it. it’s incredibly valuable research."

"yeah, well, good for you. there's nothing in this for me," infinite’s tail flicks in irritation and adjusts his mask, "i do not care for a one-sided transaction." he pauses. "...although if you were to change your mind about eggman, perhaps we could negotiate."

starline makes a low, frustrated chittering sound. infinite waits, despite the strong desire to put this entire interaction behind him.

finally, the platypus pinches his bill and sighs.

"...i truly do not know anything."

"i see."

infinite observes him; his posture, tone. he doesn't appear to be lying.

"that's unfortunate."

he doesn't reply. he seems conflicted.

infinite is about to give up and head off once more, only for starline to finally say,

"i could come with you."

"excuse me?"

"i have a proposition. you have something i want, and although i can not advise you in regards to doctor eggman, i may be able to assist you in a different fashion. have you somewhere to stay?"

infinite frowns. "you're desperate."

"what about the phantom ruby?”

“...excuse me?”

starline adjusts his glasses, then states, more calmly, “you aren’t using it, despite the fact it would benefit you to do so – such as when you tackled me back there. i almost got away, but you didn’t simply trap me with your illusions because you couldn’t,” infinite grinds his teeth as he smiles, smug, “am i incorrect? you’re also playing things rather cautious. and if the topaz – my topaz – was functioning to standard, you would have simply warped away, just now.”

“that is none of your concern.”

“but you don’t know how to fix it, do you? i, however, have enough resources available that i could analyse both gems, identify the problem, and potentially remedy it.”

“you think i'm so stupid as to risk trusting you?”

“i think you’re smart enough to understand that i'm your best bet.”

infinite finds himself truly consider it, much to his annoyance. as if sensing that he’s swaying him, starline continues,

“you can't keep hiding out in old labs forever, you don’t have any equipment, and you surely want to have access to your former abilities again. and without them, what do you truly have to lose right now?”

my sanity, he thinks sarcastically, though i guess i've already lost that if i'm thinking about partnering up with him.

“i assume you’ll be wanting the topaz back?”

starline smiles again.

“it’s a fair price, is it not? a more secure place of shelter, and your phantom ruby restored.”

after a long moment, infinite sighs.

“...where’s your base of operations?”

so... they strike a deal!! a very grouchy alliance is formed!! this is a spontaneous, loosely written interaction, but. that’s the gist!

the plot is, i guess, predominantly about mutual healing. see, they're so alike, and first, a lot of their dislike for one another is, at it's core, due to the fact that... they see their faults and failures reflected in the other person; their presences are a constant reminder to one another of everything they don't like in themselves.

the thing is, as time passes and they come to care for one another, that in turn also teaches them to show that same compassion and, eventually, love, for themselves. like, recognition and acceptance of the self through the other. growing, recovering, how our relationships with others can affect our relationships with ourselves, that's the story at it's core!

infinite does almost succeed in his mission, which is definitely a climax in his character arc, but from there, he slowly mellows out. for the most part, we just have a couple of losers (affectionate) hiding out and trying to figure themselves out. their “redemption arc” is more complex than like, they become totally Good though. like, they heal and grow into better people, but i want to acknowledge the fact they both still have bastard energy. their characters i think would still be in the grey zone, and i don’t want to really, bend them waaaay out of their shape to fit something else to the point they’re more like ocs. so while not pure evil, they’re more like... demoted to cartoonish villains. domesticated. they’re bad but not like........ BAD?? they don’t really take sides and are basically just allied with each other, though will if circumstances really call for it, similar to how eggman will work with sonic sometimes.

think less “wanna destroy the entire planet together?” and more “hey, wanna go break into that warehouse? i know you wanted parts for your latest invention <3″ lmao. infinite does help out with rebuilding sometimes, though, as he does feel guilty regarding everything, and it seems only right. starline tags along because, package deal. two for one on war criminals. do not separate them.

WHEW i hope this was a satisfying answer!! tysm for asking and sorry abt the wait!

[kinkandkreep]

Sorry for bothering you but I had a question regarding your reader inserts blushing post. Is saying that the reader can feel their face heating up ok? Like it implies that there's blood rushing to their face, but doesn't actually state if it's visible to others? Also is there other things reader insert writers should try to keep in mind as well to stay inclusive?

Hun, I am so glad that you asked, and I want to extend a personal thank you for taking the initiative to do so. I also want to thank you for approaching me in such an open-minded, polite manner. People have done the opposite in the past and it's just frustrating to see.

But, to answer your question, in my personal opinion, saying that a person's skin warms or heats up to express embarrassment or bashfulness is fine. In fact, that is a biological response triggered by a psychological stimulus and happens to everyone, regardless of color. (I do want to mention though that I have never felt that particular warmth on occasions where I've been caught off guard in such a way, but it could be an unconscious behavior and that's why, so I know the experience may be different for everyone.)

EDIT: OH MY GOODNESS I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO THIS AND IT SLIPPED MY MIND BEFORE SO I'M ADDING IT AS AN EDIT-

MAKE SURE TO ALSO AVOID SAYING THE READER CHARACTER'S "CHEEKS REDDENED." THAT IS EQUALLY AS EXCLUSIVE AND ANNOYING AS JUST SAYING BLUSH STRAIGHT OUT.

Now, as far as increasing reader inclusivity, I wanna go out on a limb here and say it's slightly less about what you can do and lil' more about what you shouldn't.

First and foremost, don't assume gender. If you want to specify that your story uses certain pronouns, or is specifically a male/female reader-insert, that is 100% fine. In fact, a number of people would probably say that that is preferred. Personally, it doesn't make me a difference, I don't really care, but I know that for some people it does in fact make a difference, so keep that in mind.

Second, don't assume certain physical characteristics or attributes. The easiest way to avoid doing that is to leave things like hair and eye color as abbreviations (i.e h/c for hair color and e/c for eye color). Also, don't attribute characteristics to things like hair and skin. For example, don't say my "hair cascaded in silky waves" down my back and that my "skin shone like porcelain in the moonlight". As a Black woman, my hair is very tightly coiled and will not be doing any waving in the wind, and my skin is nowhere near being porcelain in color. 😂

Now, I will say this, and this is very important so listen closely, as far as Black people are concerned, as I'm not entirely sure about other POC (especially Latinos, Indigenous peoples and people of Asian descent) we can have any hair and eye color, as well as any combination thereof. But JUST BECAUSE IT'S A POSSIBILITY, DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS LIKELY.

⬇️

As a reader-insert writer, you want to appeal to the majority, unless of course you're specifically looking to cater to a niche population or a specific group/type of people. If you say that I have black hair and green eyes, I, as a Black woman, may not necessarily have an issue with it, as that being the case is a possibility, but someone else may be peeved about it because though a Black person having green eyes is possible, it's not likely, and thus doesn't appeal to the majority.

Those are the primary things I'd suggest you stray away from, as they really do make a huge difference in how a person enjoys their reading experience. Immersion is integral in stories like reader-inserts and you don't want to spoil someone's experience by excluding them based on their appearance.

Of course, there are also things you can do:

Do be very clear about possible triggers and warnings. Again, it's hard to be immersed in something if halfway through one of your triggers roundhouse kicks you in the face from out of nowhere and suddenly you're thrown into a panic attack.

If you plan on adding certain elements to your stories as plot points, like where they're from, what language they speak, and so forth and so on, do take the time and make people aware BEFORE they begin reading the story. It only takes a few seconds and is a simple as leaving the aforementioned warning or mentioning it in an author's note.

Increasing reader inclusivity is really just making a few small changes that will benefit everyone in the long run. And while I can't tell you what to write, I can give you some tips on how to better write it.

Hope this answered your questions! And please, if you're comfortable with it, share this around so that others can see and possibly get their questions answered as well.

Thanks again for asking hun. Have a good one!😁

[bobasheebaby]

125 How I Met Your Mother Prompts

More prompts this one is mega long but broken up by character. I think it’s a pretty good mix of funny and angsty. Break at 15.

Barney Stinson

1 “You know what NAME needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.”

2 “A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.”

3 “ It's going to be legen...wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is...dairy!”

4 “Suit up!”

5 “Believe it or not, I was not always as I am today.”

6 “I realized that I'm searching, searching for what I really want in life. And you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.”

7 “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest boy/girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

8 “Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.”

9 “Three days. We wait three days to call a man/woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait... True story.”

10 “There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if his/her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if he’s/she’s from a different area code.”

11 “I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk.”

12 “I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?” “I guess, because you're almost as messed up as I am.”

13 “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”

14 “Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.”

15 “Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

16 “God, it’s me, NAME. What up? I know we don’t talk much, but I know a lot of guys/girls call out your name because of me.”

17 “Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and he’s/she’s way too hot for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger!”

18 “De — wait for it — nied! Denied! We’re goin’ out tomorrow night.”

19 “Step six is called purg— wait for it. Keep waiting. Keep waiting for all of eternity only to discover that there’s no escape —atory.”

20 “I think tonight is going to be de — wait for it — lightful.”

21 “Ted, tonight is gonna be — wait for it — dary! Wait, no, that’s not it. How do I usually say it?”

22 “You watch, NAME, tonight is going to be legen— it’s the night we stole a camel! Which means it will be full of drama —dary.”

23 “I’m just gonna grab this star to put on top of the tree. It’s gonna be legend— wait for it —merry.”

24 “Haaaave you met NAME?”

25 “Challenge accepted!”

Robin Scherbatsky

26 “Oh, come on, ref! I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.“

27 “Just be yourself. Say something nice.” “Which one? I can't do both.”

28 “Before you know it, you'll be marrying a man/woman who once ate a vanilla-scented candle!” “That was on me. I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen. Though, it was lit. Man, he/she dumb.”

29 “Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, NAME? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?“

30 “NAME was great.” “Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.” “You mean you?” “Thank you!”

31 “Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.“

32 “NAME, I am not ready for them to find out about us.” “Then you're gonna have to stay in there for the entire trilogy. Don't worry, it's only 382 minutes.” “Nerd!”

33 “You know NAME? Been thinking about it. Guess it's kind of nice you're such a bad-ass.” “It's pretty bad-ass you're so nice, NAME.”

34 “14 seconds! And already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off.”

35 “But timing is a bitch.”

36 “Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.“

37 “There's something between us. Maybe my head was saying, 'nip it in the bud', because my heart was saying something else ...”

38 “I just finished a seven-day cleanse.” “I thought you just started that yesterday.” “I finished early, okay?”

39 “NAME! I just had a great idea!” “Oh, do whatever you want to me, just don't wake me up.”

40 “Okay, I've missed you. Not in a 'we're gonna make out' way, not even in an 'I forgive you' way. Just in an 'I've missed you' way.”

41 “I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you.”

42 “But ... umm.”

43 “Why am I constantly looking for reasons not to be happy?”

44 “Oh, that’s right. I’m alone.”

45 “I’m gonna give you summer teeth ... some’re here, some’re there.”

46 “You can’t run back to the past because it’s familiar.”

47 “Nobody asked you, NAME.”

48 “It’s one thing to not want something. It’s another to be told you can’t have it.”

49 "I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn't exist."

50 “You are going to miss out on something great.”

Ted Mosby

51 "If you're not scared then you're not taking a chance. And if you're not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing anyway?"

52 “You can ask the universe for signs all you want but ultimately we'll only see what we want to see...when we're ready to see it.”

53 "Nothing good happens after 2:00 am… when 2:00 am rolls around, just go home and go to sleep."

54 "The more you fight it, the worse it’s gonna get. It’s like when your car slides on ice, you steer into the skid."

55 "Sorry, Peter. We're grown ups now, we can't fly to Nevrland with you anymore."

56 "I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?"

57 "People make fun of the guy/girl who stays home every night doing nothing, but the truth is that guy/girl is a genius.”

58 “Love doesn't make sense! You can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.”

59 “Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.”

60 “There are a lot of little reasons why the big things in our lives happen.”

61 “There are two big days in any love story: the day you meet the guy/girl of your dreams and the day you marry him/her.”

62 ““I’m crazy about you. I think we should be together. What do you say?” “Yes. No. Maybe.” “Those are the three options.”

63 “The littlest thing can cause a ripple effect that changes your life.”

64 “It's kind of insane how much happened in just a day and a half.”

65 “Whether a gesture's charming or alarming, depends on how it's received.”

66 “Because sometimes even if you know how something's gonna end that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride.”

67 “Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks but actually kinda likes them?”

68 “I used to be in such a hurry all the time. Everything was so urgent. Now I figured, if it's going to happen it'll happen when it happens. I'm not going anywhere, he’s/she's not going anywhere. What's the rush, right?”

69 “I think for the most part if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life, life gives it to you.”

70 “We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that in those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being.”

71 “You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.”

72 “I'm sorry, when I'm excited I abbreviate words I shouldn't.”

73 “We gotta wait for the real thing, no matter how tough it gets.”

74 “When you believe in people, people come through.”

75 “If you love something, you can never let it go. Not even for a second. Or it's gone forever.“

76 “Hey ref! Check your voicemail, I think you've missed a few calls!“

77 “Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates, you roll right into the spray.“

78 “NAME, if you asked a hundred people: 'Who's the worst person you could possibly date?' They'd all say 'your therapist', except the ones saying 'NAME'.”

79 “Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.“

80 “We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.“

Lily Aldrin

81 “You guys dated before. That time counts. The clock doesn't reset to zero. It un-pauses from where you left off.”

82 “We struggle so hard to hold on to these things that we know are gonna disappear eventually. And that’s really noble.”

83 “You can’t just skip ahead to where you think your life should be.”

84 “I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not.”

85 “Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.”

86 “The 'no more surprises'-thing is the best part of being married.”

87 “So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Oh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital 'I'?”

88 “Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.” “Sweet-talk is not gonna change my mind!”

89 “So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?” “Oh, grow up, NAME, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!”

90 “I think my soul just threw up a little bit.“

91 “Your heart's talking to you, NAME. Do you have the guts to listen to it?”

92 “I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it.” “Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.”

93 “Who wants hot-wings?” “I'm in... or maybe we should just pour hot-sauce on NAME, since he's/she’s a total chicken.”

94 “I hate how you're always right.” “It's my best, and most annoying, trait.“

95 “Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.“

96 “NAME check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.”

97 “If you keep lying to me, if you keep cutting me out of decisions, if you keep using words like winning and losing when you talk about our marriage, you are going to lose me.”

98 “Why not just say goodbye to the bad things?”

99 “Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a no instead of a yes, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache.”

100 “Where’s the poop, NAME? Where’s the poop?”

Marshall Eriksen

101 “Hey I have given up peeing in the shower for you!”

102 “Why does he/she keep doing this? He meets them. He/She likes them way too much. He/She goes way too big too soon. He/She ends up blowing it. I can't take this any more. He's/She’s fallen in love so many times now.”

103 “Ow! Paper cut ... Death is all around us.”

104 “This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.”

105 “It's a little late but WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS?”

106 “Hey baby, it's me. Can you bail me out of jail? I thought I saw big foot in Central Park so I tackled him. But it turned out to be Russell Brand.”

107 “Being in a relationship is hard. And committing, making sacrifices it's hard. But if it's the right person, it's easy. Looking at that guy/girl, and knowing he’s/she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that then he’s/she's not the one.”

108 “Here's the thing, NAME. I'm snuggly. You're not. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? Wrapped in comfort and it's raining outside and there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.”

109 “He’s:She's never seen Star Wars?! NAME, the only people in the universe who haven't seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars. And that's cause they lived them, NAME! That's cause they lived the Star Wars.”

110 “Love died. The love that made you all believe in love, that's dead now.”

111 “I’ve never asked NAME to do anything ‘no questions asked’ because I never wanted to. He’s/She’s the love of my life. I never keep anything from him/her.”

112 “Happy Slapsgiving!”

113 “This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch!” “Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone.” “Oh, you don't think I've tried?” [FLASHBACK]  “Table for one.” “One... Couple?” “Um, no, just me.” “Really? For brunch?” “You're right. Who am I kidding?” [Leaves restaurant. End of Flashback] “Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?” “Of course, sweetie.” “Can I go with you guys?” “Really? For brunch?”

114 “That’s life, you know. We never end up where you thought you wanted to be.”

115 “That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like, ‘Hey bro, I don’t know what you’re eating cause I don’t have any eyes but it’s basically awesome, so keep sending it down Gullet Alley.’”

116 “Revenge fantasies never work out the way you want.”

117 “I’m a good boyfriend/girlfriend in my sleep.”

118 “You have to let me dance my own battles.”

119 “One good deed leads to another and another.”

120 “Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs…it’s like we’re the president.”

121 “All hail beercules!”

122 “I don’t know what to do with my hands. What do I normally do with my hands?”

123 “Hey, baby.” “We hate NAME now. Get on board or the sexting stops.” “NAME’s a son of a bitch!”

124 “Are these chicken wings or angel wings? God, I love these things.”

125 “Oh, and you think you can step up to me? To me?!”

[ask-classicdreams]

Uh so. Masterpost I guess. Here's my ideas. They're all shit, but here ya go.

--while the void attempted to recreate dreamtale as the classic universe, dreamtale has a wildly smaller amount of resources to work with. therefore in putting dreamtales code into the classic universe, it just turned basically everything into apples since that's the focus of dreamtale. so, toriel and flowey are apples.

--dream is in papyrus's role and instead of cooking spaghetti and such, he cooks everything out of apples since there's such an abundant supply of them. the underground is located underneath an apple orchard.

--nightmare is in sans's role, and he hates apples. instead of the classic "burn in hell" genocide quote, nightmare just sighs and flips dream's cape-hood-thing up. after a pause and some shifting, he just says "i fucking hate apples." before fucking you up

--after the first hit when you deny his mercy, dream basically says 'fuck you' to the script and goes apeshit. if you somehow survive that, he turns into your passive aggressive narrator. (eg. "woshua steps in! you're gonna slaughter him in cold blood aren't you, you f-") him and chara have fights over the flavor text rules.

--when nightmare dies, there isn't any blood or anything. just a sigh and nightmare going "heh, well. guess that's over. dream, i think i'll try that apple pie now." there is no whoosh sound either, just a thud.

--dream's outfit is underswap sans's down to a T. the only difference is that dream's is in a shade of yellow. dream's first words when prompted are "wait isn't this just underswap sans's--" but gets kicked in the teeth by annoying apple, the substitute for annoying dog. nightmare's first words are "patrick noise. wait fuck i can't say that--ererererer" but instead of saying the text tone noise, he pronounced the letters.

--instead of his circlet, dream wears a plastic cinderella tiara with himself scribbled over cinderella in black marker. nightmare stole it to draw a mustache on it at some point. eg:

--nightmare's outfit is gross, goopy sweatpants that was once an unidentified color. they have the walmart logo down each side of them. his shirt is black, obviously. but he's wearing the Official Patented Sans Jacket, the one with sans's face on the zipper? it's somehow untouched by all of the goop. pristine condition. his slippers are black and fluffy with google eyes on them which dream calls his goopshoes.

--frisk n chara are still humans.

--when you look in dream's fridge, all you see is apple products. look closer, and you'll start to see the apple meat, apple stomach, apple feet. you decide to close the fridge.

--toriel is another apple. whenever she has to move, she politely asks you to leave the room. nothing progresses until you do. once you move, theres obvious slide marks on the floor where toriel once was.

--when you kill her in genocide, you get the apple. if you decide to go back into toriel's house, you have the option to make apple pie.

--muffet's place is Whole Grains Fruits and Vegetables For A Super Low Price! (no exceptions or abbreviations, you have to type it out in full every single time) the Whole Grains Fruits and Vegetables For A Super Low Price! fight is just. shopping cart. upon further inspection, it's an applebys shopping cart but you don't know how because applebys is a restaurant, not a supermarket. the joke is that nightmare stole it.

(*There's goop on the handlebars. You wonder what Nightmare wanted with a shopping cart.)

dream, if you call him at the dump: oh yeah! nighty always wanted to go to the surface so he could try something other than apples! it seems we're right under an apple orchard, so we mostly get apple-centric foods.

my boy wanted to keep it but dream talked him out of it (unless it's true pacifist, go into his room after the barrier breaks and it's in the place sans's treadmill would be. he'll be sitting on his bed when you walk in.)

when prompted nightmare says:

nm: what? a guy can't dream?

frisk: dream of what

nm: my brother, dream of the underground [sans wink]

frisk: no what about the shopping cart?

nm: what's a shopping cart?

[dialogue box disappears, shortcut sound plays, shopping cart is gone]

go underneath the sink and it's in there though, with frantic scuff marks on the ground. seems like the wheel got stuck halfway down.

--the neutral fight is a giant apple with eyes. nightmare is with you for some reason, showing clear disgust because it looks like you'd have to eat all of it. but, frisk just throws their dora the explorer light-up sneakers at the apple's googly eyes. when the eyes come off, you get the apple.

(you're supposed to put it on nightmare's bed. during the phone call, at the end, he says "oh by the way i got your gift. fuck you." and hangs up.)

--everybody else is statues.

--if you give nightmare the apple directly it starts a dating sequence that only lasts a few seconds before he bodily picks you up and chucks you at the barrier. you faceplant on the other side. he likes throwing you around, if you come back to the bridge between snowdin and the ruins after killing dream, he picks you ups and throws you off of it.

--at the end of genocide, instead of chara appearing it's just nightmare but 80x taller than frisk.

--they have a pet frog named phenylcyclohexyl piperidine. when asked, dream will say "oh nightmare named her! i don't know what it means though..." you have the choice to tell him "it's a drug" or "ask him later". if you choose "it's a drug" dream will nod solemnly and stay quiet.

if you choose to tell dream to ask night about it, the next time you see dream he'll say "nightmare told me what it means! im so glad our frog is an angel :))"

--during nightmare's fight, in the middle of his strongest attack, you get an award titled "congrats! you've been distracted!" and he immediately throws a sequence of attacks faster than you can dodge if you were distracted. if you click on it, it says "nightmare kicked your ass, didn't he? hah."

--when night uses his magic a giant fuckoff apple tree bursts out of the ground behind him that he normally uses to hide in (which is how he dodges) and his apple soul forms and hides in the branches. you have to aim for it to win.

--instead of bullets apples get thrown at you (main reason frisk flirts with everyone, throwing an apple at someone's face in ancient greece normally substituted for a marriage proposal).

--everythings gone to shit both apple brother's have a blatant disrespect for the script and the game changed every time you play it. eventually, if played too much, the game will bluescreen and you'll have to turn your monitor on and off.

Yeah, that's probably it.

[pinkpurpleblue-writes]

You’ve Got Mail (1998)

Summery:

You’ve Got Mail stars Nora Ephron and Tom Hanks as Kathleen Kelly, the owner of an independent children’s bookstore passed down from her mother, and Joe Fox, a member of the Fox family who runs “Fox Books,” a Barnes and Nobles-esque big box retailer. As Fox opens up a new store in New York's Upper West Side, it threatens Kathleen's independent "Shop Around The Corner." While they verbally spar and go head to head, their online personas (ShopGirl and NY152, respectively) are falling in love online through, of all thing, email and AOL instant messenger. About halfway through the movie, ShopGirl and NY152 agree to meet, Joe realizes her real identity, and, instead of revealing what he knows, starts to slowly build a cordial, then friendly, then romantic relationship with Kathleen in real life too. The "Shop Around The Corner" eventually closes down and, at the movie's climax, NY152 and ShopGirl agree to meet again. Joe expresses his feelings towards Kathleen in person on the day of the meeting and, at the meeting spot, they kiss, happy that the people they fell in love with online were the people they fell in love with offline too.

Review:

You've Got Mail is a delight nearly all the way through. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have amazing chemistry together, and both actors are extremely emotive throughout, with expressions that show the full range of feelings that each character is going through. The late nineties setting is almost perfect for those seeking escapism nowadays, with the sweet spot in between the end of the Cold War and the beginning of the "Forever Wars." The film is easily broken up into three Acts with a strong structure, divided among the seasons of Autumn, Winter, and Spring.

In between scenes of conversation and action, we see Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks emailing each other, seeing their screens and hearing the content of the emails as voice-over while the recipient reads it over. It's done exceptionally well, especially when contrasted with the problems some modern films have with showing text messaging onscreen. It's much more reminiscent of something like Victorian Era letter exchanges than anything cold and electronic.

The soundtrack is woven into the movie skillfully, with "Signed Sealed Delivered I'm Yours" and "Over the Rainbow" being particularly notable. The costume design is lovely, transporting you into the time period with Meg Ryan's clothes especially. The film touches on themes of relationships, family, and identity, but doesn't delve as far deep as it could have. It also abbreviates the "enemies to friends" part of Hanks and Ryan's relationship too much in my opinion, but the movie was already a decent length.

Politics:

The time period does come with some drawbacks, as the setting and plot allow for some peak 90s neoliberalism that is reminiscent of the first two seasons of "The West Wing," with the core politics of the film muddled at best, seemingly attempting to sidestep it at all costs. The few non-white characters (most prominently Dave Chapelle playing Joe's best friend) have little personality and less screen time, and the only non-straight characters turn out to be the fiancé of Joe Fox's father and the nanny she runs off with, both of whom get about a scene of screen time and a mention of their sexuality near the end. Fox Books brings to mind the Goliath that is Amazon, which itself helped put Borders out of business and has done the same to an immeasurable amount of independent book stores.

The relationship the film has towards capitalism itself is murky, with the most left leaning character (Meg Ryan's boyfriend-turned-ex, Frank) portrayed as a wannabe intellectual, but having Kathleen shoot barbs at Joe about status which he seems to be aware about. All in all, it reads as an attempt to not offend either side too much while still appealing to apathetic nineties twenty- and thirty-somethings who felt disenchanted with all of politics.

The film itself also has some misogynistic points, with Joe Fox's girlfriend, Patricia, being a particularly good example of a double-standard. Frank and Kathleen break up amicably after becoming more distant and are shown to be friendly after. While Frank and Patricia are show in similar lights through much of the movie, the second act has Patricia shown as emotionless and ruthless, seemingly due to her being more career-focused and driven. Some parts also haven't aged well, with a bit too much focus on appearance by the male characters and a scene where Tom Hanks refers to a woman as a "bitch."

Conclusion:

Overall, the letter is a love letter to the mid-to-late nineties, with all the good and bad that brings. I enjoyed it immensely and I still do, but it might vary depending on the level of escapism you're willing to withstand and how much you're willing to excuse due to when it was made.

Selected Quotes:

“Is it infidelity if you're involved with someone on email?”

“Keep those West Side liberal nut pseudo-intellectual bleeding heart-” “Dad...”

“Do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven't been brave?”

“Matt is my father's son, Annabel is my grandfather's daughter. We are… an American family."

“Oh the joys of rent control…”

“Do you ever feel you become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret hateful parts -- your arrogance, your spite, your condescension -- has sprung open”

"What is it with Men and the Godfather?"

"I said we were a goddamn Piazza"

"Pride and Prejudice? I bet you read that book every year, I bet you just love that.. Mr. Darcy and your sentimental heart just beats widely at the though that he and um… well, uh, whatever her name is, are truly honestly going to end up together?"

"Oh, you poor sad multimillionaire, I feel so sorry for you" and "You are nothing but a suit"

"Remember when you though Frank might be the Unabomber?"

"I am in… Vancouver"

"He ran Spain"

"Why don't we bomb Fox books"

"…and in a week it will be something really depressing, like a Baby Gap"

“...the astrologer, whose moon turned to be in someone else's house, as I recall."

"I am so sick of that. All that means is it wasn't personal to you. […] What is so wrong with being personal anyway?"

[sometimesrosy]

Why do you think CL was toxic? I've seen you ( and lots of people from the fandom) talking about it a couple of times but never in length. I always felt that while their story seemed sweet, there was something not right about it. Btw it's ok if you don't want to answer this because CLs might come after you. Thanks for your amazing metas/reviews/analysis ❤❤

Thanks for abbreviating the ship name. That makes things easier.

Long story short (I keep trying to make my long stories short and it rarely works,) CL reminded me of my relationship with my emotionally, psychologically and economically abusive ex husband. From very early on, even before they were romantic. Actually from where L coerced Clarke into agreeing to let TonDC be bombed. I experienced that coercion on a bi-weekly basis in my relationship the last few years, every time he ran out of money (for various nefarious reasons) and he would force me, with dire emergencies, to give him money, or I would suffer. He used many of the same techniques that L used on Clarke.

The connection between my relationship and CL continued through betrayals, isolating, “the carrot and the stick,” through gaslighting, threatening the loss of important things, creating enemies out there that made us a team, hinting at suicide, and culminating in Clarke staying with L to “protect” her people even though staying made her weaker and incomplete. I was triggered by Clarke staying and, much later, realized that was because I stayed in my abusive relationship for my children’s sake, when I wished I had left when I first thought I should, and I ended up being nearly destroyed by staying. I had a full on panic attack over that episode and it took me a long time to get over it.

My emotional truth with the CL story is that it mirrored my abusive marriage, and I used CL as a fictional couple to analyze my OWN relationship and trauma and get some perspective on it. It doesn’t trigger my PTSD any more, but when you first start seeing emotional abuse as a real thing, it’s very hard to stop seeing it.

CL, in many ways, illustrates an abusive relationship.

In many other ways, if you don’t see that dynamic, it illustrates many wonderful, dramatic, romantic tropes. 

I never tried to force anyone else to abandon their romantic interpretation of CL, I just wanted to talk to people who had experienced something similar and saw the darkness, so that we could talk about it and get something out of it.

I’m not even sure I really like defining it as “toxic,” because I think that is a trigger word and minimizes the story and ship and also what an abusive relationship is. 

I can interpret CL in other ways, too. Not just from my personal experience of abuse. For instance, I think the story of L as a shadow of Clarke is fantastic, and falling in love with L was a way for Clarke to make peace with the darkness in her own soul... this reinforces both the psychological interpretation of season 3 and the Jungian interpretation of Clarke’s hero’s journey. 

I think Lxa’s story is that of a tragic hero. And if you were to interpret it from HER POV, it would be the story of a powerful leader who was on top of the world but through hubris and her own fatal flaws, sees herself and all she worked for destroyed, leading to her fall. This is a story like Macbeth or Hamlet, and makes her story a good one. Not a happy one though. Tragic. This story thread makes Lxa the hero and Clarke the love interest and the political grounder story is the true tale. Bellamy doesn’t really factor into it, except as a rival for Clarke’s attentions who is rather vanquished. But that story starts in mid season 2 and ends in mid season 3 and is over. It’s not the main narrative. And it’s not a romance, it’s a shakespearean tragedy. 

As a romance, I don’t find CL romantic enough. It falls short for me. I don’t like romances with great power differentials, and the romance I saw on screen was too political and not authentic enough for it to get me in the heart. Neither of them were honest or open or vulnerable with each other, and I need that in a romance. That’s a personal taste thing. And outside of my feelings about abuse. It’s interpreting it without the abuse lens.

I don’t talk about it much because I got harassed pretty badly by the CL fandom over it. And it’s not a major point of the narrative anymore, so I’ve moved on for the most part.