#I don't hate mentally ill people I hate abusers and trauma and I hate suffering humans put each other thorugh

[drama-glob]

SPOILERS FOR HELLUVA BOSS SEASON 2 EPISODE 7!!!!

Let me start off by saying F*CK YOU MAMMON!!!! >:( >:( >:(

Okay now, I LOVED THIS EPISODE because as much at it broke my heart with how much of a gut punch it was that Fizz has been putting up with Mammon for years, the fact that he got his freedom at the end with the constant support of Blitz and Ozzie, who genuinely care about him melted my heart as well. ^_^

I knew going in I was going to hate Mammon (because with how he runs his ring, I couldn't see how he could have any redeeming qualities), but he seriously was a bigger abusive d*ck and was way more blatant about than I expected. >:( Poor Fizz right off the bat with his unhealthy work ethic that he's not good enough and that his value is tied into his work, something that many of us (me included) have been guilty of. I blame Cash for being the most likely factor in why Fizz thinks that way, along with his idol worship of Mammon playing into it. >:( Also, that creep getting in Fizz's head was so messed up because we come to see how genuinely nice Fizz is and he sadly let what that guy said get into his head. ;_;

I'm so glad that Ozzie from the start is looking out for Fizz's well being and mental health, which is also really sad because he has no doubt had this conversation many times with Fizz about not needing to please Mammon and that he is good enough, only for Fizz to insist everything's fine when it's not. ;_; I also had a feeling Ozzie wouldn't be a fan of the Robo Fizzes given that he loves Fizz so much and knows what people use them for, so most likely it's part of the whole blackmail deal/Ozzie can't break out of making them so long as Fizz doesn't call it quits. ;_; I'm also happy that Ozzie clearly harbors no ill-will towards Blitz (which we already saw in "Oops," but it's nice that he knows Blitz wouldn't like the state Fizz is in and needs to cut ties with Mammon). :)

Fizz is just so talented with his craft, but the further pressure that he had actual competition from Glitz and Glam just made things so much worse, but of course Mammon don't care. >:( One of the absolute best moments though had to be the sweet little deaf kid signing to Fizz and Fizz signing back as well as sign his picture, so it was sweet and it helped Fizz's mental state temporarily. It was unfortunate that flipping creep came back and messed with Fizz once again, only adding to Fizz's panic attack that goes into overdrive once he sees Glitz and Glam perform. ;_;

My sadness only built as Fizz spiraled and tried to make himself "fine," but my man Ozzie being there as soon as he hears (from Blitz no doubt) that Fizz is not okay and him not leaving until he can get to the bottom of way Fizz is so adamant about doing this while trying to comfort him was wonderful. I legit cried, as I'm sure many of you did, when poor Fizz admits that he feels like practically nothing next to Ozzie and that without his job and the fame, he'd eventually leave Fizz despite how many years they've known each other and how much Ozzie does to remind Fizz that he loves him for who he is. ;_; ;_; ;_; It's sad too that Fizz has put up with the year of abuse because he felt he owed Mammon for leading him Ozzie, even though that's certainly not true. It really brought it in home just how much trauma Fizz has suffered and affected his mental state. I can only imagine how bad it'd be if he really didn't have Ozzie in his life. O_O The sweet, honest words from Ozzie afterward just reinforced my belief that Ozzie is the best boyfriend and their song "Crooked" was so saturated with lovey-dovey sentiment, I went awwww so many times and shows how lucky they are to have each other. ^_^<3<3<3

Fizz's "2-Minutes Notice" was absolutely incredible, (especially considering this was improv ;) ) and the fact Mammon didn't realize it was about him until the end was hilarious! XD But Fizz certainly proved how amazing he is and I'm sure Ozzie was more than happy to provide the magical backup to really stick it to Mammon. ;) ^_^ <3 It was really cool getting to see full demon Mammon and Ozzie, but it was especially amazing that Ozzie announced he loved Fizz to everyone so that he could no longer be blackmailed by Mammon and so Fizz could be free of that asshole; plus, he already seemed tired of hiding it. ^_^<3<3<3 Although Mammon will definitely come back for revenge on this sweet couple, Fizz and Ozzie get to at least have their peace for now and will face the future of their relationship being outed to all of Hell together. Also, those giant nuzzles from Ozzie are everything to me! ^_^<3<3<3<3<3

[hero-next-door]

Defending Nathan Prescott

(From Every Accusation)

All fact proven & common sense theory

No bullshit.

I suck at grammar. Deal with it.

I've replayed the game far too many times to gather this. I read into everything and even read into and WATCHED people who have suffered the same mental illness and situations Nathan has been in.

What I'll be covering:

Illness, rib breaking, dead animals, bdsm, Chloes pic, Rachel, gun on campus, Kate, Pompidou, Jefferson, wealth and his father.

And dont even THINK about skipping ahead!

Everything here is tied into one another. Read from start to finish. You're on this post to understand, right? Or to argue? Im not here to argue so, bye.

Lets start from the top...

Nathans downfall was caused by society and all who failed him. He's driven by hatred of others who don't understand him, and the game purposly wrote him off that way. They want players to hate him from what sides of the stories we've experienced. They gave this character controversial hobbies and a cynical bully attitude to really keep you suspecting him and not guessing Jefferson. The game isn't about Nathan. It's about Max. We learn so much about Max and everyone close to her. The tears they shed, the pains they've endorsed. Same with Chloe and Rachel's story. My heart goes out to all of them. We don't get to see that with other characters. Therefore, we don't care for them...or that's the games' intentions. We don't know the ins and outs of Nathan. Only what the game shows us, which are all negative. So, of course, disliking Nathan is only reasonable.

Mental Illness

We start with mental illness. He has Psychosis. Lots of proof, but i'm assuming you've seen it all already. Like, do people know what Psychosis is? Do they REALLY know what it is? Because this ALONE changes everything. And not Psychopathy ..Psychosis. Two different things, pookie. Psychopathy is the one where part of the brain is missing or disturbed. THEY'RE the ones that don't have empathy. Psychosis is different. Anybody can get it. This illness can take your empathy and awareness away, then bring it all back after the harm is done, leaving you to process that. Schizo and Bipolar are also all quite a handful to deal with too. Loud Noises/downgrading voices in your head SO LOUD that people will do anything to calm them. (Dont be shy, youtube: "28- Psychotic Episode" by Collège d'Alma) The feeling of loosing your mind is something I notice a lot of haters dont empathize on especially if they killed or hurt sombody. The brain slips into a state so disconnected that interviews with recovering patients I've seen describe it as confusing and scary and dont recall saying the stories they told and actions they did others. Imagine not being able to remember the hurtful things you've said and done. Imagine being told you killed somebody... with your own hands? And you can hardly remember what happened. Like... how would you react? Think about it. Anybody can get psychosis with enough trauma or a kick in the noggin. Some people who were interviewed that had psychosis said that they found relief when getting high or drunk. Little did they know the symptoms could bounce back up to 5x during withdrawal. But they were so desperate to get rid of the voices that they abused the drugs. Like....wow the game really did their research to create such a complicated character. Anyway, moving on.

Edit: After further research, he certainly had bipolar disorder first. Then it went left untreated, therefore sunk him to worse mental state of many other illnesses. Drugs only made things much, much worse. Bipolar disorder can cause schizo and schizo to lead to psychosis. 🙄Jesus Nathan quit hogging all the illnesses.

Now, let's break down everything else...

Shooting Chloe

Just rewatch it. Aims gun, Chloe pushes him, it tightens grip, ACCIDENTLY shoots her, immediately drops gun and gets really scared of he's done, checking to see if she's alive! If you specifically rewatch the ending of Lis1 when Chloe gets shot, they extend his reaction. He goes back and forth, checking her body. If he wanted to kill her, you check pulse and then run. Not sticking around crying about it. There's your empathy you're all saying he doesn't have. Other times where he could have shown more empathy ties with his Psychosis. Some people with the illness said that the voices loudly in their head will convince them that everyone around you is your enemy. Everyone is after you. It can twist your brain to feel anger and fear towards others. Nathan is always hung up on how everyone is using him and trying to control him. Which people ..DO use him. So now he's convinced that everyone is. He's not choosing to feel this way. He just needs psychiatric help.

Breaking Ribs

In Before The Storm, his entire demeanor is completely different than the Lis 1. He's more cowardly and not loud and aggressive. We'll be mentioning his creepy "pervy" binder later. Nathan isn't violent until the end IF you let Nathan get bullied and push his life in a negative direction. Sure, it's not Chloe's responsibility, but this is the game's way of showing you his downfall. We need to remember the game hides scenes and expect you to make up what happened behind the scenes. He broke Samantha's ribs over ..what? She's always so desperate to defend Nathan and even gets upset with Chloe when she doesn't help. So, if you tell her the wrong option to pressure kindness into Nathan, it results in him breaking ribs. How, though? Haters immediately hop online to say cause he's a mean and abusive non-empathic nut head. Are you sure he didn't just push her away, and her clumsiness just fell over? This took place after the play...so he possibly...pushed her off... 😰 She did say she was clumsy. You don't think she would have tried to hug or touch him in any way. Ok ok...calm down... Let's take a step back.. You get this "breaking ribs," ending from letting Nathan get bullied and embarrass himself during the play that his father pressured him about! Adding a little "..fuck you.." to the audience. Showing his start to his villain career and the start of him hating everyone, and you tell Samantha to go hug him!? This is the start of his mental spiral if you let things play out this way. But hurting her with intention? No. Lets tie this in with the other endings to their relationship. You get the clumsy ending. She hurts herself differently, and Nathan is with her in the hospital. Saying how he feels bad that she got hurt. (empathy bell) And they continue yo talk about her photo or whatever. Tie this with the rib one, tie this with the Chloe getting shot incident, and tie this with his mental illness. Come on, do i gotta spell it out for you.. Hurting someone is not what he attends to do. Like he quotes in his voice mail. (Speaking of that voice mail, empathy bell.) He does get angry at Samantha and hurts her, and we as players dont know the full story. But what was playing in his head seconds before and the entirety of the game that led up to this IS the reason why he accidentally hurts her. His anger from the entire game was built up and, unfortunately, released on her. Whatever happened, breaking her ribs was not on his to-do list! And then we have.. The good ending. He sits beside her, smiling.

Oh, wait! He's a little psycho with no human emotion? Psychosis has all parts of the brain attached, pookie. For most cases, It can be cured and helped. I can get it. YOU can get it. He has human emotions when he is at his very rare peaceful moments like with this good ending, when with Victoria ig and other scenes we tend to forget. Because painting him as the villain was the games goal. Jefferson was the plot twist.

Daddy Issues, Smug Talk, and a Gun on campus

Simple guys. Simple. You represent this school. You represent our name. This is a legacy. You will not embarrass me. This isn't about you or your problems!

Sure, YOU wouldn't crumble under that pressure, but Nathan sure did. Sure, child abuse isn't an excuse to "kill" people. But is it the child's fault? Sean-beanbag prescott should be arrested for not taking his boy to the asylum. Instead, he argues with a doctor!? Goofy, bro. But so many people are fueled with anger towards Nathan instead. It's whatever. Prescott, literally being his name, was already a red flag to other characters and chose to hate and bully him over it. Drew hated for what his FATHER did. Nathan did ..what again? Notice how that "rich Malfoy talk" wasn't really present in Before The Storm. Sure he tried to burn Drew with a family financial situation insult but the "Im rich, my father owns everything, I got a lawyer, money this and that" wasn't in his character in the Before the Storm. I believe being a prescott wasn't really in his future goals, and he wasn't ever really passionate about it. It's all in the annoyance in his tone with his father before the play. Lis1 he uses it so often to show that he's the boss and in control. He is influenced by representation for his family/school, wealth, intimidation, and of course hatred and believing everyone hates him. In his mind, everyone is against him, after him, and wants to use him. Again, he doesn't choose to think this way. Let me explain my last sentence clearly, though. Imagine being surrounded by a ton of people. All their attention is on you. They hate who you are. They talk about you. You have a defensless stomach sinking feeling and scared because all these people surrounding you are looking at you and all your insecurities and laughing at you. Well, obviouslysome of that is not going on in reality. But to Nathan, that IS his reality, and he has no control over it. Anyways I shouldn't have to keep explaining mental illness and how it stresses the brain. The bottom line is that his status and waving a gun around is what he thinks keep others out of his head. He can barely throw a punch. He had to use his head on warren, and did you catch when Max hit him in that scene? The dude was literally holding onto his face like he'd been battered. Like she did NOT hit that hard lmao. He's weak. He's always been the same tiny Nathan from before the storm. Just now, he uses masks for intimidation to stop his bullies, and anyone he thinks is "after him." He never meant to use a gun on anybody, just a threat. During the second scene where warren reunited a head butt with Nathan.. If you pull off warren, he barely even aims the gun when he runs away towards his room. Cowardly. He feels that he has to, to protect himself. He also uses his father as a threat, but clearly, that never worked. Also, I noticed him crying when you let Warren get crazy on him? Dudes apologizing and sobing? Guess that's not his first rodeo, rip.

Dead Animals

There is no proof he hurt animals. That's not really like him. He does have a list of illnesses, but Psychopathy isn't one of them. Y'all can keep yappin, but it's not. Clearly NOT one of them. He could have hurt an animal during an unaware episode, but there will not be any awareness behind it. Anyways, there are plenty of artists that do the same thing. Nathan is very passionate about photography and protraying solitary but not in the same way Jefferson does. Jefferson certainly uses that manipulation, but we'll get to that later. There are artists that like to shine on death in a positive light and in sorrow. There's also beauty in anatomy. It's not my cup of tea, but someone close to me can name me all kinds of gross organs and would be down to disect any animal. Yuck. But to them.. its fascinating, and they are the greatest people in my life. In love and in empathy. (NOT comparing my pookie to Nathan, PAUSE.) In anatomy theres Education and surprise. Death is also a theme and style too. Skulls and gore, super "rad" fukin "knarly."

BDSM Skip to (●) next part if needed

Ok.. so he's a little frisky. Y'all need to remember this is a fictional game first, okay? Lol Anyway, I can't defend him much here, but I got something. Firstly, the game WANTS you to suspect Nathan. Can't keep his room pretty and pink. They have to make it freaky and spooky. They paint Nathan as the villian for you to only focus on him as a suspect. So that everyones jaws are dropped with Jefferson twirls in.

Anyway...defending BDSM? This can bring trauma to those who have experienced it negatively or view it negatively. So skip to the Frank defense or read more if you want.

Bdsm relationships are very controversial. Some people see it as unhealthy, abusive, and sick. But if you have talked to or listened to other people within these relationships, they state that its completely consensual, safe, harmless, a breach of deep trust with their partners, and simply a fetish or kink The goal is to have fun at your limit..not pass the limit. There are twisted people who have broken that barrier and made it not fun and abusive. That's where I can't argue. If you feel that way towards the topic, I completely empathize with you.

Nathan has shown in his other photos a black and white theme of solitary. And you can tell that he might have taken those bdsm photos himself. As the quality is almost like the Pompidou photo. Everyone blends him taking bdsm photos with his angry behavior and "non empathic" demeanor. But this is where I loop back to Before The Storm hugging-my-binder Nathan. It's shown that in one of his endings, he took photos of Samantha. Obviously, NOT bdsm photos. His binder was a school project. But Samantha obviously consented, and Nathan was passionate enough to show her. He sees them as art. Naked girls have been models for sculptures and paintings. Its beauty. That's IF she was naked in some way in those photos. Which I still doubt. School project. Im sure the photos were gentle and strange and misunderstood, and Drew was just in his bully era. His reaction would have been a lot more eye-opening if he had a face full of tits or straps. Nathan begged for his binder back and even nervously reacted, showing he had love for his work and 'took time with it' (as he quotes when Drew throws it). I bring this up here to show that the women in his photos were indeed given consent, and if hes passionate about depicting his art, hurting them wouldn't be on his agenda. As we all learned today that hurting people was never his intentions until drugs and illness met with pressure and intimidation clouds his brain.

I read up on other artists that painted things similar. In their paintings, they expressed dread, vulnerability, feeling traped, and ..feeling used. If Nathan did find the images he took arousing, then why would he hang them up like everything else in his room like art? I believe that they're depicted in an artful way and in its black and white shading brings a sad darkness. If it's anything like the painters I mentioned, maybe Nathan has a deep level of empathy we don't understand.

●Frank and Pompidou

I didn't even know he took a picture of Franks hurt dog in the road because you little freaks threw his treat in the street!? This will also tie in to chloes pic, but we'll get to that. Frank first, as it's pretty simple. Nathan runs some system with Frank. And it's pretty obvious it's the same thing Drew was doing in Before the Storm. Nathan clearly doesn't like it as he finds it controlling, but getting his hands on drugs is a great way to forget his flaws and calm his illness symptoms. Which only created a loop of his symptoms worsening, as talked about before. His illness is very active towards the end of Before the Storm. You can tell by his huge character difference that drugs only made it worse.

Pompidou is a good dog, but just remember he's not the one who hurt him. This ties in with what we explained in the dead animal phase. The Imagine is black and white. It's a strange art most people don't understand. Man, I don't even understand it. But these people aren't heartless, and they're simply expressing pain. Or.. he took it for the same reason he took Chloes pic. To feel that he's in control, thinking this will help his mental reality of thinking everyone can use him, as explained earlier. But i doubt it. One is in color, and Pompidou is not. One is misguided, and one is "art."

Jefferson, Rachel, Kate, Chloes pic

If i see one more person throw him in the same trash bin as Jefferson, im going to puke. Anyway, I've twisted my head around this story so many times, begging to see the bigger picture. No pun attended. Jefferson was pulling the strings all along ..you know that, right? If Nathan was never there, Jefferson would have still done his disgusting projects. He certainly brought Victoria over without Nathan's usage. He didn't need Nathan, Nathan just made it easier cause he can easily be manipulated. Making Nathan do it all so the consequences will fall on him. Jefferson is smart and knows the right words to say. Nathan is missing the kindness of a father figure. All he has to do is play with his feelings. Nathan falls too easily to kindness. He felt the kindness of Samantha during the good ending, and He felt the kindness from Victoria.. but Victoria toxic bully nature wasn't helping. The bottom line is Jefferson easily manipulates him and understands his mental reality and uses that against him. Adding thoughts into Nathans head. Jefferson learned to use Nathan's illness to his advantage. Nathan trusted Jefferson as did everyone in that school. Why on earth would Jefferson wrong him? He looked up to him, so when Jefferson slowly brought him into his plans of drugging girls, Nathan thought that it was all ..moral. In reality, you and I know obviously that's not okay, but to Nathan (and his severe illness), he trusted Jefferson was doing no wrong. We don't understand the mental strain he was under. Manipulation goes a long way. Heres how he did it. He probably said things like 'We are the same Nathan, this is art just like yours.' It starts small, Nathan gets him the drugs. Then he pulls him in, and Nathan starts drugging the girls for me. Start driving them here. Start helping me inside the dark room. Start helping me inject my victims. Jefferson had so much power over him. He was connected with his father. He can threaten his grade, his representation, and his future in art. He knew all the right things to say and do. He knew how his head worked. Clog him up with drugs, and keep him quiet. Heal his missing father needs and demand him for your needs. Does this not make Nathan a victim, too?

Then ...the Rachel incident happened. Nathan was NOT mentally aware of what he's done. The excited "Rachel!" When he saw Max at the diner clearly shows that he truly expected her to pull up. This mixes with the symptoms we've discussed. He only remembers bits and pieces as obviously it was beyond traumatizing. Sending him in an insane spiral and the infamous psychosis drawing. (Don't be afraid, google psychosis drawings. Damn. Just imagine you recovered from psychosis and laying eyes on that and not remembering you drew that..ugh...I'd cry.) Someone with Psychopathy wouldnt feel traumatized from such events, debunking the fact everyone thinks Nathan has Psychopathy. He doesn't have Psychopathy, he has psychosis. Moving on. Jefferson was certainly angry with him and drugged Nathan himself after the incident, which really helped Nathan to forget what he's done. But Jefferson's anger and not talking to him tore him apart. His emotional attachment clearly wasn't having it. The note he wrote Jefferson in desperate attempt to bring him back after ruining Jefferson plans goes to show just how much he wants that sense of being cared for. If only it was someone else that wasnt Jefferson ..or his dad can do is fucking job too.

Alcohol was certainly a great method of forgetting what he did. So then comes Chloes' interaction with him. We know the story. He did not SA her, I can say that right here and now. Nothing like that was behind this. You can tell by the way Chloe presented the story to Max. There wasn't an uncomfortable tone to her story. She didn't seem traumatized but more shocked, and "it was pretty crazy." She also wasn't drugged for that long. She woke up very soon, fully clothed. What obviously happened is that Nathan used this to feel in control like the mentioned way above. Drugs and Psychosis is no jokes. Who knows what hell is playing in his mind, but I unfortunately believe that this was to try to win back Jefferson. He had been angry at him and ignoring him, and even tho he hates drugging, his confusion and drunk state led him to this. He's cowardly, and his mind is slipping and tries to do what he thinks is right for him. He's misguided and leads down the wrong path.

Nathan did not SA Kate! Kate story breaks my heart into a million pieces, but if she was SA-ed, it wasn't Nathan. After everything I said above, you can tell that that isn't in his character. But here I want to bring up the voicemail. Nathan claims multiple times that he never wanted to hurt anybody, implying that he felt forced to do harm. Something he DID NOT want to do. Why on earth would anybody have felt forced to SA somebody!? I'm not saying Kate WASN'T SA-ed as I can only assume maybe the boys she was shown with in the video did something or Jefferson. Victoria was Kates bully!!! Nathan wanted to be liked by Victoria and was influenced by her nature. He's desperate for attention and kindness. Victoria did far more to hurt Kate and her reason as to why was shit. You go THAT FAR to one up your photography game. Girl, bye. She spread that video, and she still has empathy, too? Her regretting everything? Did she reallyy regret it? Or did she want to make herself look good for her representation? She showed regret via text message in Before The Storm, too? She doesn't have a mental illness, but the game gave her an act of forgiveness and used her as a victim so the audience would sympathize with her. Goes to show you the game controls what they want you to feel. If they were to do that with Nathan..would opinons be different? Taking us into his mind and how he sees the world around him. They could have..but didnt. Well.. We have the voicemail, but obviously, that didn't stop the haters. It's unfortunate. But the game gave me just enough little clues for me to shine light on in this post. They put so much into his character but never showed the audience the truth.

Conclusion

What we've learned today is that Nathan isn't the villain you think. He's been manipulated, used, and needs mental help, but im sure my old Nathan-defending friends have said this time and time again. Im here to add something....

It's been PROVEN that he's capable of all human emotions. You just refuse to believe it because you're mistaking his illness and claiming all of this was intentional. Psychosis can be temporary. It's like a hand that steals your common sense, feelings, empathy, and sympathy, and you're only left with acting on pure chaos and negative or fearful emotions. After long treatment, your sense of reality returns, your feelings, your empathy, your sympathy.. And all you have now is guilt and regret and self blame that you hurt somebody. If you let Nathan kill Chloe, he is arrested. He had doctors aware of his illness and would have been charged with illness in mind. Forcing the treatment he needed ages ago. By the time Lis 2 came out... I wonder how he's taking it all in? What he did to everyone, what he did to Rachel.

He was written off to die, be locked up, and blamed. Unfortunately, he was caught in the crossfires of the harm of our favorite characters. If he was born in a different family and away from Jeff, he would have never hurt anybody. Matter a fact, he would never have suffered with his listed mental illnesses.

This goes out to all real accidental murder cases. There will always be a great divide in opinions. I hate comparing fictional games with real life, but I find it crazy that we call others nonempathtic when they aren't empathic themselves. It's like the word "accidental" is worthless.

Its always a debate..

Do we feel bad for the lives lost and their families

or

Do we feel bad for the mental crumble of the one who never meant to kill and how their familes have to deal with that.

Are they worthy to walk this earth? Are they worthy to see the daylight again? Are they still human, too? Should they die, too? Is redemption possible?

Who knows. Peoples opinions won't change unless they themselves fall onto the opposing team. If they were to suffer the chaos of accidentally murdering someone or the grief of losing someone from an accidental murder.

Red Nathan, the first Nathan we all experienced from Lis1. Damaged and doomed. Used and mentally obstructed. It's unfortunate things ended this way.

Blue Nathan, Appears in Before the slStorm and Max's alternate timeline. He is clean and hasn't touched drugs. He had not been involved in crimes or violence yet. In this alternate timeline, he has been somehow saved and kept away from mental destruction and Jefferson. We will never really know what drove Nathan towards this peaceful path, but I assumed that it was the kindness of Max that led him in the right direction. (Max somehow changed Victoria, too. With her demeanor being so gentle. I really am curious about the whole back story of that timeline... I think about it alot)

[megaderping]

Nothing drives me up the wall more in the Persona 5 fandom than when people act like they'd be so much better than Akechi in his position. "Well, I would know better!" Bullshit. You don't know that. Japan's treatment of illegitimate children is so heinous that I don't think it's easy for westerners to comprehend. As I understand it, when you turn 15, you're thrown out of the system. Akechi was... how old when he approached Shido? Ah, yes, 15. Likely, he'd been cast out to fend for himself when Yaldabaoth gave him the power (with very malevolent intentions). Shido has his cleaner and his connections. Even if Akechi quit, he wouldn't be safe in the real world. Maybe in the Metaverse, but how long could he even feasibly stay there before needing to eat and sleep? There are safe areas, sure, but those are hardly accommodating, and people severely understate the impact Shido could've had on his mental health once he did join with him. Look at Yusuke and Haru, both of whom were abused and neglected by their parental figures. Both of whom had difficulty even acknowledging what was wrong. Haru continued to downplay her father's crimes and atrocities as well as his abuse of her, likely in part due to her grief and in part due to her wishes for what he could've been. Trauma and mental illness as well as a lack of support systems can break people and push them to make reckless choices because they believe there is nothing else they are good for. The Phantom Thieves were lucky enough to have each other, and that saved them from going down a dark path. Any one of them could have and, hell, if Yaldabaoth had chosen Yusuke or Haru, for instance, there's no way Madarame and Okumura wouldn't have taken advantage of that power and made them do heinous things. Just... god. I really hate the armchair "well, I'm smart enough to know better and I would take homelessness over ~murder~." It's easy to say that when you haven't suffered years of neglect and presumably abuse in a society that sees you as less than human due to circumstances outside your control (e.g. being an illegitimate child whose mother did sex work) in a country that is opposed to adoption overall and just... Argh. And this all started because I tried to point out that, hey, maybe calling Shuake toxic in a server for a fic that is one of the big Akechi and Shuake fics isn't the kindest thing, tried to explain things, and it just blew up. While also pushing for why their preferred ship is better and like... god. I hate that so much. ._. Fastest way to turn me off of a ship is when really hostile fans use their preferred pairing to tear down one that I really like. Just... blargh. What a way to start the day.

[vo09]

I was making a stupid meme for my friend about my different favourite characters when I realized how similar Astarion and Nathan are in terms of background, circumstances and so on, but how different their reception in their respective fandoms is (because while one is adored, the other is hated).

Both are born into privileged social and class circumstances (rich upper class men). Both have abused their social status and power, acting like they're above the law (or above others they see as lesser). Both present classist or otherwise problematic views and behaviours (Astarion is racist and nasty to many people throughout the game, seeing certain communities or certain races as inferior; Nathan is misogynistic and homophobic).

Their “downfall” and the beginning of their trauma (well, in Nathan's case, bad trauma, because he already had his father being a piece of shit to begin with tbh) starts when they cross paths with men who presents themselves as their “saviour” and benevolent in nature at first, someone who could help them in their lowest moment (Cazador literally appears to Astarion when he's on the verge of death after a group of Gur –whom he has screwed over when exercising as a magistrate– have beaten him and is about to die; Mark Jefferson initially comes across to Nathan as a mentor and father figure who pays attention and tells him the potential he has, feeding into his need of approval and desperation for a father figure who cares about him). Once they both fall into their web, both Cazador and Jefferson show their true colours as abusers and show their true intentions (using them for their own selfish reasons and turning them into both victims and accomplices to their crimes. They're both puppets.)

They are both used as the tools to bring/lure victims to their abuser (Astarion literally has to prostitute himself; Nathan is the one who does the dirty work by having to drug girls to bring them to Jefferson); in both cases there is the betrayal element suffered by their victims (and imo there's an element of sexual trauma in both stories, although one is more blatant than the other).

Both Cazador and Jefferson are well-known public figures in their respective universes and have a power dynamic over Astarion and Nathan (Astarion literally can't run from Cazador because he's his master and Astarion a mere vampire spawn who he owns; Nathan can't turn on Jefferson because he has so much going against him, whether it's his already known problematic behaviour, his loathed family name, or all the evidence against him that Jefferson has made sure to collect to use him as a scapegoat if something goes wrong in his disgusting plan).

They are both examples of “the flawed and ugly trauma victim”, not only because they are in themselves showing/being bad and nasty people in many instances, but because they are both the type of victim that no one wants to acknowledge because of how they react/externalize their trauma. Both have aggressive and violent behaviours and react in ways that people don't like, especially in victims of abuse. They do not allow themselves to be helped or it is difficult to do so, both are constantly defensive and distrustful of others (they also show paranoid attitudes in this regard, although in Nathan's case it is as much due to his mental illness as to the trauma component), and as soon as they feel under the slightest threat, they attack/threaten as a form of self-preservation.

Both are actually sensitive people (Nathan is canonically wimpy and someone who starts crying at the drop of a hat; Astarion is described by his vampire spawn siblings and Cazador as problematic and weak), both show regret, torment and guilt for what they've done. Astarion especially shows this when he encounters Sebastian again in Cazador's dungeon, showing that what he did to him has haunted him and affected him terribly for ages. He also feel sympathy towards the other spawn once he's free from Cazador's control. There's also a moment where he mentions how he had tried to help one of Cazador's victims flee and that caused Cazador to torture and punish him brutally, creating him more trauma and the survival instinct and need to emotionally distance himself from his actions whenever he attracted new victims. (Suffering from PTSD whenever he engages in sexual activities as a result). Nathan also shows signs of suffering from PTSD and there are several instances/audios where he exhibits remorse and/or apologizes and cries when he hurts someone (when he accidentally shoots and kills Chloe, or for what he did to Rachel and Kate) or expresses regret whenever he causes trouble (this shown in the report that can be read in the principal's office, where a teacher mentions that in class Nathan exhibits unstable, erratic and violent behaviours and immediately afterwards expresses regret, showing that there is something off about him emotionally and mentally). At the same time they both display a self-centred and selfish behaviour towards others as in “I've had a hard time and life has been unfair to me, so fuck everyone else”. Again, the ugly abuse/trauma victim.

Apart from his charm and personality, Astarion is a character that people end up loving because he has the opportunity to have his story shown and has the opportunity to redeem himself and heal (or make him worse, of course), whereas what we see of Nathan is the protagonists' point of view of the games where he appears (and his story has no happy ending or redemption opportunity, as he either goes to jail for the death of two girls, or is killed and buried by his abuser who knows where with his remains never to be found).

Nathan is in some ways a more tragic victim than Astarion because his story itself is that of a mentally ill kid (there is also a lot of stigma attached to schizophrenia and psychosis) who is taken advantage of when he is still a minor and already in an abusive and neglected situation (being a really easy target for a groomer like Jefferson), whereas Astarion was already fully adult and in control of his actions when karma knocked at the door and he got beaten (I love him, but he fucked around and found out because he was basically an asshole), but due to the setting of their respective stories (fantasy vs. a realistic/actual universe), it is easier to relate to Nathan's victims than to Astarion's, so it is easier to hate one and love the other despite their similarities in their roles as both victims and victimizers (?).

[thedroloisms]

just an essay bc it's been on my mind but the way that victimhood becomes a weapon on social media is so fucking stupid and counterintuitive to actual advocacy. people wielding "im a victim" as a defense not only in situations actually involving their specific case but also in basically every damn situation in the world is so ???? even in cases involving dream, for example, i will see people using his history as a means of defending him (it's really fucked up that you would accuse a victim of ___, he's an abuse victim i'm sure he won't defend ___ and that he'll ___) and while i understand where that sentiment comes from, the base assumption it's making is...nakedly untrue. and assuming its truthfulness can hurt victims moreso than it helps them.

being a victim isn't moralizing. being a victim doesn't make you a good person. suffering isn't absolution, and going through fucked up shit doesn't make someone "good." people equate abuser = bad person and victim = good person, and then assume that victims are incapable of abusive behavior or "problematic" internalized ideas. an abuser can't be neurodivergent, or mentally ill, or part of a marginalized group, and most importantly an abuser can't be a victim. the boxes of victim and abuser are strictly defined with no overlap. once you've been through something truly, verifiably, Fucked Up (tm), congrats! you get a certificate of eternal victimhood that prevents you from ever being a Real Bad Person ever for the rest of your life.

only that's not how real life works! it's just not! generational trauma leads to cycles of abuse that perpetuate themselves over whole generations of people! the kids that think that it's perfectly fine and a-okay for a parent to physically punish their children don't tend to be the ones with parents that don't lay a finger on them! and you know, it sucks. it sucks that you get nothing out of being hurt, that there's no fucking prize, that there are no suffering vouchers for you to cash in because of the abuse you suffered that can give you good-person-points. it sucks to endure all that shit for nothing. but the opposite idea of suffering making you a good person is the exact reason why some people preach about the miles they walked to school in the driving rain to excuse taking out their shitty temper on their small children.

being abused generally doesn't make one "better." if anything, trauma tends to fuck you up in ways that hurt you...and others. going through shit tends to make people worse. working to get better is something that requires actual conscious effort, not something that you are given as a side effect of going through hell. over and over again, traumatized individuals who are made to feel powerless and given little freedom and ability to change their circumstances, when in a situation where they are given power to some degree over some person, may choose to abuse that power while they're in their own abusive situation or after. part of being a victim of abuse often means having a distorted view of the abuse you've been through! it can mean normalizing fucked up behavior! looking at shit and treating it lightly because you've been taught that it's "not that bad," if you've been taught that it's bad at all! victims aren't granted perfect ideologies from god because they walked through flames--cult survivors usually have to unlearn all sorts of messed up beliefs that were drilled into them--beliefs that many people on twitter would then damn them for, because obviously if you've thought something like that in the past then you're a bigoted hateful individual.

i can only speak from my own experience, but i can't fucking count the number of people i've heard of or met or known personally who have been through some kind of trauma in the past, who are undoubtably victims of abuse, who then go on to act in toxic, manipulative, and abusive ways to others. oftentimes, these people are aware of the fact that they were in abusive situations in the past and make quite a big deal about the fact that they care about victims, as a victim, and want to advocate for them. they're the same people who react extremely negatively to anyone alluding to the idea that they could be abusive--they're not like that, they've been abused, how could anyone accuse them of abusing another person, don't they know how much that hurts with their history. and so on and so forth.

and...i have a lot of sympathy for these individuals, generally speaking. because as mentioned above, being abused in the past doesn't necessarily make it harder for you to be a perpetrator in the future. sometimes--oftentimes, even--it's the opposite. and i feel for them, because going through trauma and being hurt makes you scramble for ways to not be hurt again, and oftentimes the easiest answer for that (and the ways of solving problems as modeled to them in the past!) is control, and controlling another party can very easily slip into manipulative, abusive behavior. especially if you still have internalized ideas mixed in with the fear that surviving abuse entails, internalized ideas that are often left unexamined by people who believe that their victimhood absolves them from any further responsibility. i feel for people who are deathly afraid of ever being seen as terrible people, oftentimes because of the shit that they went through, who seek explanations for their abusers' behavior that make it so much easier to simplify the matter into "they're something separate from me, something that i can never become." i sympathize with the anger and fear and frustration and grief that might never had had a healthy outlet while in a past situation that ends up poured out into places where it shouldn't be in the present, i sympathize with the desire to find reason in being hurt where it doesn't exist, to want there to be something to make the whole damn thing worth it instead of having nothing to take with you but your pain.

but at the end of the day, that's not how life works. that's not how abuse works. yeah, there are abusers who are cruel for cruelty's sake, who are aware of the harm they do and desire to cause more--and there are just as many who genuinely believe that they're doing the right thing, that they're doing good, that they care for the one that they're hurting unselfishly and wholeheartedly. there are many, many people who hurt others because they have been hurt before, and this isn't an excuse--of course not--but refusing to acknowledge the ways that pain can perpetuate itself and blinding oneself to the possibility of their own actions ever being abusive can literally be how this pain continues. it's good to be self aware, it's good to want to do the right thing, but assuming that victims are good people because of the suffering they went through not only means that so-called "bad victims" (or anyone that's not yet Acceptably untangled the thought patterns and actions that have been normalized to them, or anyone who lashes out in quote-unquote appropriate ways as judged by whatever social media council is handing out social justice tickets for the week) get overlooked and ignored, but abusive patterns of behavior are allowed to continue to exist, just in a repackaged form with different language. it's not fair to victims to nail them to this standard of so-called righteousness that is also inextricably connected to their experiences, allowed to be revoked if they're too "abuser" to be "victim" anymore, or to overlook the victims of their behavior because their inherent suffering-borne righteousness keeps them from crossing the line into bad behavior.

at the end of the day, no one deserves abuse, victims deserve to be advocated for, and people who have been through horrific shit didn't deserve to go through horrific shit. but you don't get handed get-out-of-jail-free cards for being treated badly, you know?

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

Hi, so, I made a lil quiz on controversial opinions and one of them was that narc abuse isnt real and someone disagreed and gave a response that I thought was intriguing, however I am an egotypical so I figured I'd go to this blog to see your opinion on it?

The response was "Know a lot about this topic (got really deep into the NPD) and i gotta say it's fine to say narcissistic abuse. The whole pointttt is that we're all trying to help folks with NPD, narcissistic abuse is real and should be talked about but that doesn't make narcissists evil/unredeemable. Individuals w/ NPD greatly affect those around them, unlike stuff with most cases of like, existential OCD since that's most internalized rather than externalized. I don't have any issue with the term narcissistic abuse and y'know, it's like, not something you're gonna care about in 50 yrs."

i do not know a single person with NPD who felt at all "helped" by narc abuse truthers. no, 99% of narc abuse truthers are not "trying to help folks with NPD," i've never met or seen one who wasn't passively ableist at BEST. most narc abuse truthers are not trying to help, they are not trying to understand, they DO in fact think we're irredeemable and a good portion of them wish to actually wipe us off the fucking planet. multiple times i have seen narc abuse truthers just straight up spew eugenics. most narc abuse truthers don't even actually know what NPD is beyond abuser disorder.

it is true that people with NPD can affect the people around them, but that is not at all a trait unique to people with NPD. narc abuse as a term makes it sound like there is something uniquely abusive about people with NPD. all narc abuse describes is patterns of emotional and psychological abuse, nothing more and nothing less, and those patterns are not unique to us. i have been abused in ways that narc abuse describes by people did not have NPD. if you want a term that literally just means "abused by someone who had NPD," you would need to apply that same logic to every single disorder out there that could possibly have an externalized affect.

even if a term like "narc abuse" worked in theory, the communities that are fostered around it are horrendously and disgustingly ableist. it is the nature of a term like that. blaming the abuse you suffered from someone soley on their disorder not only takes responsibility off of them as a person, but also inherently subconsciously creates negative associations with that disorder and everyone else who has it.

i am going to get a bit vulnerable about something i'm not proud of. i have had a very similar mindset narc abuse truthers have about NPD but with bipolar disorder. i grew up knowing my extremely abusive father had bipolar disorder as he was diagnosed when he was younger. i blamed the majority of his actions on his disorder, it made me scared and paranoid of people who had the same disorder. i even had an old friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while i knew him who explicitly told me he was afraid i'd start to hate him or be afraid of him. and a part of me was afraid of him for it. i was miserable and made other people around me miserable. i had to at some point confront the fact i could not blame his disorder for all his abusive actions, i had to make the disconnect, i could not hold innocent people with the same disorder responsible for what he did to me. it was not their fault, and they did not deserve to be held accountable by association of a disorder they did not ask to have.

i could not imagine how much worse it would have been if i had something like a "bipolar abuse" community. i maybe never would have undid my ableist views. these "[disorder] abuse" communities always inherently create an environment that is extremely negative and hostile towards people with said disorder. you can absolutely have conversations about how your abuser's mental illness and trauma affected the relationship you had with them, as mentioned before my father's untreated bipolar disorder absolutely heavily impacted our relationship even outside of his abusive behavior, but these kinds of communities are not the way to do it.

and actually, this is something i will still care about in 50 years if i have to, but hopefully i won't because hopefully it won't still be an issue in 50 years. though that may be wishful thinking.

[hysteric-machine]

Spoilers for the new Reverse 1999 chapters

TW Psychophobia, Torture, Intergenerational trauma?, Suicide Attempts...

Now started playing the new story chapters of Reverse 1999. And while I KNEW what I was going to go through, the instant I saw Isolde tied up on the electric chair... I reminded.

I reminded what it did to me as a mentally ill kid to play Alice Madness Returns. What it did to me when I watched Penny Dreadful as a young adult. So I paused. To talk about it.

I am one of the lucky ones. I never had go to a psychiatric ward (my parents tried to get me there after my first suicide attempt, but it was an adult only service, and as a 16 years old I wasn't old enough to enter, luckily my mom was there to attend to me all summer since she worked from home).

I did suffer the stigma, in many ways, but I did not suffer the medical abuse to a no return point extent. Of course the abuse in general is still terrible, but I got lucky. Some friends did not. Someone you know surely got through that. Everyone knows someone broken by psychiatric institutions. And a lot of these unlucky individuals did not recover, and sometimes died from this abuse.

We can argue that it's much better now, that there isn't torture anymore (that's a lie, getting tied down is torture, getting isolated is torture, and I won't start talking about how close to prisons psychiatric wards are, and yes I hate the reality of prisons too).

We can argue about all of this.

But we are still counting our dead. Mourning people that were not helped, not cured, but drowned even further into despair and left in shreds.

And my body knows, when I watch these pieces of fiction, when I read the history of how our condition were "studied", how the DSM got written. I feel an overwhelming and unspeakable fear. Because I know, it's me on the screen. It's my story. It could've been my exact story.

It has been the story of many unluckiest, unprivileged people (at this point I have to mention that of course, it is not just pure luck : if you aren't white, if you're lgbtq+, if a woman, you're particularly poor, if you're from a pious family, if you have commorbidities and many more can add to the list, it's going to be harder and you are the first ones on the list).

I can't ease this feeling. It's like a survival instinct. You know you don't want to ever have to go there. Even if "it can be fine sometimes", "there are some safe wards" or whatever. If you are mentally ill you just know.

So a kind reminder : always consider this when dealing with someone close to you that have mental health issues and seems to not be able to get the help they need, or sometimes are in emergency state. Please don't call the cops. Don't call the emergency services. Please don't get them to a psychiatric ward first without trying everything else, especially if they aren't ok with going there. It is, in and of itself a traumatic experience to live, and even the less abusive institution ARE abusive because psychiatry's history is what it is. It's not because some privileged people got out of there unharmed (and again I can't agree with that) that everyone would.

Anyway, it's all over the place, I can't find a good way to word this, because there is no good way to word that I'm terrified by all that shit, with reason.

Take care of yourself, of your loved ones. You can't change the world, and it is designed in a way that we still have very few alternatives to psychiatry nowadays, so you can't really avoid it all together. Just know that it's not only fiction and incredibly triggering for some of us.

Cheers. If you can relate and wish to read the new Reverse content maybe take your time to be ready, not alone, in a good mindset.

[sinnohelitefourlore]

If you had to put a number on it, how many league members got worse(like mentally) after joining their respective leagues?

Oh my goodness, this is such a good question. Though I would arguably say that more than fifty percent of these people get more and more unhinged throughout the story, if they weren't already. Chances are, when you become a league member when you're mentally well, that'll very much change. The thing is- it's the level of how unhinged each of these characters get. And it varies. A lot. I'll list a few where the league does change them for the worse:

Liza and Tate: This is a very surprising first entry, I can imagine. Liza and Tate are twelve when they start, but as I've explained in a prior post, they turn thirteen when Magma and Aqua pick up. They turn thirteen, and that's when the problems start. A lot of shit is going on in their lives that I'll go in depth with when it comes to their own separate short story in line with The League Chronicles.

Aaron: This, on the other hand, is a not-so-surprising entry. If you're caught up with the story, then you'll see how Aaron's behavior changes and it's not pretty. I want to make it clear that unlike every other character mentioned, he actually has a mental health issue that's undiagnosed for the moment - but it will gain traction. It's quite different from everyone else here because he's a teenager, and this diagnosis in particular, it tends to peak and show symptoms for late teens / early twenties, and Aaron is right at that age bracket.

Misty- In the story, Misty has a terrible relationship with her three older sisters and her parents because they don't respect her. She is taken under Lorelei's wing, and Lorelei channels Misty's anger into what she does best- battling. It's said that there were some trainers that battled best when they were enraged. She is one of them. While this is true, it's definitely not healthy. When she becomes a gym leader by dethroning her older sister, she has no more contact with her family. She wouldn't hear a word from her family as long as she's alive. That... does something to her. She goes on dates with boys and punches the cameras of the paparazzi who get too close and ruin it.

Lorelei- She is very similar to Misty in those aspects with family troubles, and it's what draws them to each other. But what people know about Lorelei in the story, is that she vehemently despises the Sinnohnians. She fucking hates them ever since Cynthia defeated her in a battle, and when Cynthia became Sinnoh's champion it enrages her, more so when Sinnoh becomes the best league, and it fuels her hatred.

Clair: Due to being in the shadow of her older cousin Lance, she is a character that's doomed from the start. Not to mention you get to see firsthand on how she acts when she loses a battle. She'll always be number two, which in her eyes, is the first to lose. The abuse she suffered in the hands of the Dragon's Den as a little girl shaped her for the harsh realities of being Blackthorn's gym leader, but unfortunately, her PTSD is very real and untreated. The Arrax family (a respected dragon-tamer clan in Blackthorn, that also Lance is apart of) is riddled with alcoholism and mental illness. Trauma passed down to generations. Though Clair and Lance put a stop to it, the effects still linger. And speaking of Lance....

Lance: The pleasant one. At first. When he is an elite four starting out, he is very nice to be around. The Indigo Elite Four has the best trainers in the world at this point and being under Agatha's thumb had taught him a thing or two about diplomacy. Unfortunately, as the years go by, Sinnoh enters the picture- not in a good way, he thinks. In his eyes, the Sinnoh elites that come after Bertha, they seem like cartoon characters. He sees Agatha's point that the Sinnoh elites being promoted are batshit and that irks at Lance. Because they're good trainers but nuts, and it's so different when Lance became an elite. He has some hope with Cynthia being the champ, but he realizes she puts up a front, hides behind a smile, and masks herself as rational despite the things she does. Her actions speak louder, and is okay with shaping up Sinnohnian trainers that don't have the best morals with other regions but they're good at battling. When Sinnoh league's trainers are named as the best trainers in the world, it sickens him. And that's when Lance starts to change. Especially after Team Rocket in Kanto. The Sinnohnians had mocked him subtly, hinting that Sinnoh would've handled it better, and he realizes that these trainers bring out the absolute fucking worst in him, and realizes he doesn't care anymore. He steers clear from alcohol, that alcoholism runs in the family, but more than once because of them he is on the verge of relapsing.

-

There are plenty more characters I'm sure, but these are the ones that especially come to mind.

[queen-diamond-serenity]

no I'm not the type that think everything is narcissism

But you're not going to sit up there and sugar coat and make excuses for narcissist either. I've came across a lot of narcissistic apologist and I'm telling you right now you are an enabler for these people. That is what narcissist Thrive off of praise and people kissing their ass you are fuel for them you are their crack. I don't feel like everybody should always have the room or freedom to have an opinion on everything just because they feel entitled to open their mouths. I don't feel like every subject should be open for everyone to discuss. Until you walk the mile and their abuser shoes you shouldn't be opening your mouth on what narcissism is. Most people think they know a narcissism is and you really don't. I am a spiritual woman and I have seen the demons in them people. They are sociopaths and they are incapable of love. Rather it was man or woman I suffered under narcissistic abuse when it came to both genders. So when you hear me speaking on narcissism understand I don't make everything about narcissism but I will point out what narcissism is. Just because you see me talking about narcissism and the hell they put their victims through doesn't automatically mean I'm making everything about narcissism. Thought I might clear that up have the block a few idiots who came at me. I wouldn't trust a person who takes up for narcissist anyway. You trying to blanket them and romanticize them and treating them like this some type of victim is dangerous. Narcissism is not a mental illness narcissists are evil. They're just pure evil people. But I don't think their apologists are ready for that conversation. On top of that I'm pretty sure some of the people who are apologists are narcissists themselves one thing a narcissist hate is being exposed. So I'm not surprised they're starting to come out to do damage control. You know when I was a part of the new age Community we often spoke about narcissist. And when I was doing tarot cards with my friends I remember things concerning narcissists popping out in those readings that will start taking root and that is how they would start cleverly coming out looking like their victims starting the cloak and blanket themselves because social media has exposed them so they're trying to find other ways around being exposed now they have taken root into trying to look like the victims and trying to use childhood traumas that they may have suffered under probably never have some of them don't you come to find that a lot of narcissists had good child upbringing had everything they wanted growing up so on and so forth. Not every villain was made one some villains truly are born that way. But yes when I was a part of the new age Community we've been picked up that they would be doing this shit. Trying to switch the narrative on what narcissism really is lol. I see right through you.

[therainbowgorilla]

Nezumi, I can't afford a super chat, and I didn't have time today to make art, so I don't know if you'll be comfortable to read this on stream. But as long as at least you sees this, I want to say:

Umineko is a game that changed my life drastically. I first watched the Jokrano streams, and the "Without Love, it cannot be seen" struck me hard, as did the entirety of Maria and Rosa's story.

I won't trauma dump in detail or anything, but let's just say I was an undiagnosed autistic kid raised by an abusive mom/grandparents with their own unchecked emotional trauma.

Umineko taught me for the first time about how deeply the roots of the cycle of generational trauma can dig into people. How much it can affect people and how they see the world. And how if it's left unchecked, unaddressed, it only spreads. I already knew this somewhat from therapy, but, Umineko is the first time it ever truly set in.

I've always seen my mom as a monster. I never thought of her with any true empathy. As far as I cared, they were just horrible people and didn't deserve to be seen with any love.

But Umineko truly opened my eyes.

For the very first time ever, I was able to see my mother for what she was. A person. A human being with reasons and emotions and her own deep-seated trauma. For the first time, my heart hurt for her sake. Mom was a depressed, mentally ill person who was never given the love and attention that she needed and deserved growing up. So, because of this deep-seated sense of abandonment and helplessness, she lashes out in a desperate attempt to gain attention and to feel powerful.

And now that I understand that, I can look for those feelings in myself, and I will know when to reach out for help instead of lashing out.

I don't have to wallow in the pit of suffering, letting the hate fester within me. I can reach out. I can grab the hands reaching town to help, embrace the love around me and begin to recover.

Thank you so much for these streams. It has reminded me to always view the world with love. It has made me a genuinely better person for listening. Thank you for this wonderful experience.

[troonwolf]

How can you tell someone is one of these white middle class people you speak of? What should i watch out for

I feel like this is sarcasm and I can't remember who I was calling white middle class people + tried looking through my blog but it's too far back or in between memes for my impatient ass to find.

With that said I'm pretty sure you're talking about my criticism on endogenics because I've called them that a few times.

Obviously not everyone in a group is gonna be white and middle class even if the majority are, but as someone who used to be in endogenic spaces I noticed a few things

Grand majority of them are white Americans

Grand majority are from middle class backgrounds

Grand majority come from fundamentalist religious (Christian) backgrounds and have religious trauma in connection to it but they outright refuse to consider how that may impact their perspective and beliefs today.

Now as someone who is no longer in the community but still observes for critical reasons, things are genuinely not that much different today. Where do you think this whole weird approach to mental illness even comes from, my man? Christianity. Unironically it's from white Western fundie culture.

Fundies hate mentally ill people. In fundie circles you're taught either to approach mentally ill people like they're special and somehow blessed, or that they're fucking possessed by demons. This is an attitude that persists very strongly in Western fundie circles. They don't trust psychology, they think it's all a scam. If they think there's something demonic about being mentally ill, they will perform exorcisms and many people over the decades have died due to abuse during exorcisms and other "cleansing rituals."

The "positive" outlook of mental illness isn't much better. You're still denied treatment, and now you have the burden of being a weird Christ-like figure to your family and neighbours, essentially suffering for "the glory of God" because they think your psychotic audio hallucinations are actual angels.

Many endogenics leave environments where this ^ is the norm, and though they have enough critical thinking and self-awareness to recognise that religious brainwashing for what it is, they don't realise or care that they're falling into the same trap as before, except with liberal-friendly language.

They don't want to approach mental health symptoms as if they're mental health symptoms because they're taught that's scary, bad, that it makes them broken, that the trauma and illness "taints" their system. These are things you can easily find endogenics saying for why they refuse trauma labels. It's not because there's any logical reason to refuse those trauma labels, it's because something inside them is averse to it. Scared of it. Because that's what they were taught. That mental illness is scary and makes you broken.

And so you end up with thinking like this: (all yanked from sysmedsaresexist)

All this ^^^^ Is about spirituality. It's about faith. it's about ideology. Even the stuff that isn't explicitly about faith, is still about faith, because that's how they approach it. It's not about data, or what's healthier, or even what's probable, it's not even about having a good internal reason for yourself WHY you resist trauma labels. It's about what makes them feel the best. Because that's how fundie religious backgrounds teach you how to reason- with belief, and faith, not with grounded reasoning backed up by data.

Asides from that, there's also the very middle class white person thing of appropriating other cultures and bastardising them for your unhealthy anti-science belief system. A lot of the time when I vaguely make fun of white endogenics it's because of that.

[holywizardheart]

hiii, i was realy interested in your thoughts about my placements (it's okay if you don't answer).

Jupiter and Pluto in 2nd house in Sagittarius ( retrograde)

Chiron and Neptune in 4th house in Aquarius

North Node and Uranus in 5th house in Pisces

Mars in 6th house in Aries

Sun in 7th house in Gemini

Mercury in 8th house in Gemeni

Venus in 9th house in Cancer

Saturn 10th house in Leo

Moon in 11th house in Leo

Lilith in 12th house in Libra

PS: 3rd and 1st are empty houses, DC in Taurus, MC in Cancer, IC in Capricorn, AC in Scorpio

Hi! Your natal chart is so similar to my friends chart. She literally has the same chart. I want to know your birthday.

So I want to start with this Neptune and Chiron in the 4th house. I know it's gonna be painful. Neptune in the 4th house can represent some hidden secrets that your family is trying to hide. Something that was in the past when you were a child. Especially mom is keeping the information away from you. Also, your mom can have Pisces placements or be a Neptunian person. (Neptune dominant) Secretive and mysterious family. Moreover, it can mean that your mom can suffer from mental illness or drug addiction. With Chiron in the same house can mean TRAUMA that was caused by family or mom. Because 4th house literally represents your biological mom. And Chiron is wound and in pain. It's really hard to open up and show your vulnerable side. Your feelings are being blocked and repressed by you. You can have a painful and abusive childhood.

Mars in the 6th house is the placement that will finish the project in any case. Lucky you. Having this placement gives you strong willpower. You're a very organized and hardworking person. Maybe you love to plan your day. But it also has a bad side. Evil and unpleasant coworkers or colleagues. Your colleagues literally can't stand you.

Saturn in the 10th house success will come after hard work. People can view you as a serious and strict person esp. in your career or workplace. You know the 10th house represents your public image and career. You can have iron patience and a structured approach to life. But Saturn also can mean a big issue in this area. Like your bosses can hate you or you can have a cold or distant relationship with your own father.

Moon in the 11th house is such a good placement in my opinion. It means that your friends play a big role in your life. You're emotionally attached or connected to your friends. Also, this area can be the most sensitive subject in your life. Because the moon means feelings, emotions, and a vulnerable side of your personality. You can be very supportive and caring with your friends.

Jupiter and Pluto are in the 2nd house. Wow, such wonderful placements. It means that money comes easily and you don't need extra effort. (If you don't have negative aspects with your Jupiter) But anyways it's a lucky placement when it comes to your finances. Where placed Pluto is the area that you're not showing and keeping private. So it's your finances. Maybe you don't like to share your resources and money.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. Have a good day buddy. Bye love you💋

[act-more-like-a-dog-sirius]

Thoughts on vain and dramatic Sirius?

ugh. hate them. listen. sirius is my emotional support project-mental-illness-onto-him character. but even then i stick to actual canonical basis. which means. no he's not vain. in any way. my dude lived in a cave for months eating rats so he could better take care of his godson. that is not vain. he was always ready to sacrifice himself for the people he loved. if that meant roughing it and living off fucking rats and staying locked up in an abusive home he hated, then he did it, and he sure as fuck didn't complain about it.

he spent 12 motherfucking years in azkaban, being tortured not only by dementors 'posted outside his cell 24/7' but also by solitary confinement, which is well-cited to be a form of torture. he clearly was not bathing regularly ('filthy matted hair') nor was he getting enough to eat ('gaunt, starving' 'sunken eyes' 'hollow cheeks' 'i was thin, thin enough to slip through the bars'). this is not someone who is vain. this is someone who has had all dignity stripped from him.

listen, i could go on a tangent and rant about how insanely fucked up and torturous and depressing sirius' entire fucking life is (and how fucked up wizarding society is as a whole) but i'd go down such a rabbit hole lmao. and i'm already getting off track here. what i will say is that there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever for him being vain. the only potential line anyone could possibly take as in any way whatsoever him being vain is him saying to peter 'there's enough filth on my robes without you touching them' which is entirely just him insulting peter for being scum rather than him making any kind of statement of self-importance or feeling above others.

i know i'm taking a narrow interpretation of vain here, but i'm trying to limit myself to make this rant manageable lmao.

as for dramatic? definitely not the way canon writes him. sirius has a flair for dramatic, as did all marauders, but nothing more than that. i don't know about you but i don't really count his actions in prisoner of azkaban as being him thinking entirely sanely. like. my dude is on a fucking mission. he is single minded. he is trying to protect his godson. but he has also just gotten out of 12 years of solitary confinement and 24/7 torture. and he thinks peter is gonna kill harry. there is no way he has the ability to be calm or rational about that. and the whole breaking in on halloween thing? sure it could be dramatic, but honestly, i read it more in the sense of him doing some kind of poetic justice of trying to kill peter on the same day james and lily were murdered 12 years later.

ugh i'm not being super articulate here. but whatever. basically, there is no actual canon evidence for sirius being any more dramatic than any of the other marauders. not in the flashbacks, not in goblet of fire, and certainly not in order of the phoenix. he's calm, level-headed, rational, keenly insightful, and down to earth in all of those books (again poa doesn't really count).

now as for fanon/fandom/headcanon? yeah, i think sirius feels things super intensely and can overreact to things emotionally. but that is 100% just my personal headcanon. we know for a fact he is from an abusive family (at the very least emotionally abusive, but honestly, it's headcanon, but i do think there was at least some element of magical/physical abuse thrown in there to really push him to run away, but i fully acknowledge that is 100% my own headcanon). i personally headcanon sirius as suffering from some serious developmental trauma and feeling rejection-sensitive dysphoria and not being able to regulate his emotions. i headcanon him as bpd and adhd. but like i said, sirius is my own emotional-support-project mental illness character. i fully 100% acknowledge my headcanon is not factually canon it's just my own interpretation of it

[bringcal]

what is your hot take on neurodiversity

what does this even MEAN!!! x3

Y'know what most of the asks I've gotten are jokes so im taking this and spinning it in a way that probably had nothing to do with what you actually meant by this

I just think a lot of people on here have unchecked biases against mentally ill people.

I'm focusing a lot on the 'weird factor' when I am talking about this, because I feel like it goes so much deeper.. when I say 'weird factor' I am talking about people who's behaviors make you feel 'weirded out' or 'uncomfortable' even though they're not actually doing something truely 'wrong', Mentally ill people who don't fit your box of a 'good mentally ill person', thus you treat them differently.

It's like there is a silent but rampant thought process where to be a 'proper' or 'good' mentally ill person, you have to pretend you are not suffering, your neuroticism cannot negatively effect your friendships or other people in any way, and it has to fit in a box of stereotypical understanding of specific disorders.

People hate the 'weird' on here and I truly believe that sometimes it's because they dislike mentally ill people they don't understand or refuse to understand, So they target and wait any second for anything they can concretely hate them for.

I'm talking about people with low empathy, people who are asocial, people who act in risky ways, or other behaviors and traits that are disliked by most people or are associated with more stigmatized mental illnesses.

It's not something I do often now, but if you followed me for a very long time you know a lot of my old art tackles traits I've struggled with that have to do w mental illness, as well as just general dark topics that had to do with trauma and effects of it thereafter. I've come to notice people hate that shit so bad. It's fine if you're not a fan of these things in art, but its a whole other thing when you target and harass someone just because they make you 'uncomfortable' and you can't understand why.

my art was for the mentally ill people and abuse victims who related but a lot of people who couldn't relate just saw it as 'weird' and i truely believe weird = bad mentally ill person to them and they just don't realize it. That is my take. You don't even have to explicitly say you are mentally ill to be seen as mentally ill, you'll just be labelled 'weird' instead and people will try to do anything to get an actually legit reason to justify them thinking youre weird. weird = bad to them.

But it's the same once people do have labels to work with; I've stopped posting about having NPD because people cannot be normal about it. I've learned I make everyone uncomfortable the second I let people know, and even if people reassure that they don't see you as a bad person, they are always expecting it because you make them slightly uncomfortable. I swear the second I make any mistake people turn around INSTANTLY with " I knew it, you're just a typical narcissist ! " and show that they do actually believe npd = bad and npd people always have the upper hand as if they're some kind of kingpin bogeyman who are ticking timebombs. If i make a mistake and they don't know I have npd? I get met with a regular ass response you'd give to anyone else like reconciliation and/or further discussion about it.

I also get like, tons of hate for having DID, I delete any weird anons or hate anons I get but a lot of them are about the fact I have this dissociative disorder.

and Listen, I'm not saying you're not allowed to dislike people, you cant ignore people who make you feel weird (in fact this is much better than harassment for no true reason) or if people weird you out its an inherently bad thing, but I am saying ... is the person weird or are they actually just mentally ill and you're picking up on it and hating it, and are you trying to harass them just because they're 'weird' and weird = bad to you?

This was really shittily written out, but yeah hopefully it makes some kind of sense to someone :'3

[adhbabey]

My abuser was definitely mentally ill in a similar way to me, but pathologizing her behavior won't change the fact that she still abused me and didn't seek help.

She was someone that I desperately wanted to help, I wanted her to smile, I wanted her to be happy. I would sacrifice my own self worth just for her and I thought that would make her care. But you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved, and you can't help someone that isn't actively seeking help themselves.

Because y'know, I thought she died, I talked her back from suicide multiple times, I was fucking devastated to think she was gone. And that could probably be a symptom of a mental illness, but she didn't seek help, she pushed away every instance of me wanting to be closer, and it doesn't matter if she was mentally ill. People should take responsibility for the way they cause other people harm, especially harm towards themselves.

And I forgave her, every single time. I forgave her for the way she disregarded me. I forgave her because she was just traumatized, she was mentally ill, she didn't mean it, because she was abused and hurt and shit when she was young. But that's not an excuse for taking advantage of someone and abusing them and neglecting them. I made a trillion and one excuses for her, and it didn't make it better. Knowing she was mentally ill and traumatized didn't stop the suffering that I faced.

The only thing that helped was confronting what she did to me, that I am angry and hurt, and holding onto those feelings until I could ultimately leave. Because if you see someone like that, and they don't get help, it's either that they can't or they just want to blame everyone and everything else for their own fucking shitty behavior.

She fucking hated it when I called her out and fought her and was openly honest about the way she treated me. She was fucking pissed and told me to move the fuck on, and that I was just bringing shit up over nothing and that I just was overreacting and making everything a big deal. It was a fucking big deal. And I still hold onto my anger because I cannot move on. I will keep holding onto it until I can process it. Until I feel safe enough to exist and not being haunted by that fucking bitch.

So if you guys need to learn ANYTHING from my experience, know that you can't save everyone and pathologizing abusive behavior does absolutely fucking nothing. It won't make you feel better, it won't make the trauma go away, it won't make you heal, it just gives the damn abuser an excuse to be a piece of shit. They chose to hurt you, so don't choose to hurt innocent people either.

Because your healing journey is about you, not about them. Don't center their bullshit and behavior in your life. It doesn't matter what they went through or what they're struggling with. You do not have to empathize with your abuser. So don't try to justify what they did to you. Unless you want to make fucking amends and help that person get better, then leave their bullshit behind.

I know what it's like to want to give a label to your experience and abuse, but they are not abusers because they are mentally ill, they are abusers because they don't fucking care that it hurts you. Find someone who will actually listen to you and turn towards you. Focus on your healing journey and not theirs. They can handle it. This is how you can move on. Holding them accountable for their shit or leaving their ass in the dust, or both. (Also loving yourself, but that's when you're actually starting to heal).

[capraeclown]

for those not in the know

「 hello hello everybody. i know i've been offline for *checks watch* seven months now, but i just recently learned of a certain manipulative, predatory, and downright deranged person who's slinking about on Tumblr after getting ostracized from twitter (again) for being a rather shitty person (AGAIN) 」 「 so while i hate being a drama llama, this is an official call out post directed at Eden/Buttons/Kirby. 」

「 i want to preface this that while i, myself, have not had any personal problems with them i was on the HH twitter verse long enough to see all of the discourse they created by being an unreasonable and unpredictable person. 」 「 and i recognize that Kirby suffers from severe mental illness and trauma, and i do feel sympathy for him in that case. however, one's mental illness never justifies mistreating others. so my empathy is rather short lived. now that that's out of the way... 」 「 while on Twitter Kirby has raked up quite a bit of bad karma, including (but not limited to) - attempting to make an OC based on a Nazi Doctor who really existed during the Holocaust and got upset that others in his server were upset with HIM for making it - calling a minor the n-word hard r twice - harassed any and every Alastor RPer they came in contact with into not only writing with them, but shipping with them, and would have a meltdown if told "i'm not really feeling it" and this isn't even ALL of it, just what i can remember off the top of my head. unfortunately i don't personally have any screenshots AT THE MOMENT of these encounters but i'll work on getting those soon. 」 「 what i do have, however, are two videos that concerned internet presences felt the need to make to warn others of Kirby's shitty behavior. so at the very least i'll include those below. 」 「 i don't doubt Kirby's experiences of being abused and mistreated by the people he was supposed to rely on in life. however, again, it DOES NOT give him the excuse to mistreat others. and it certainly doesn't give him a free pass to play the perpetual victim in every singular conflict he ever finds himself in. (which, he has admitted before, he "keeps having the same problems with people over and over again." so that should say something. 」 「 like i said, i hate doing this because i know its not a good look. but i feel an obligation to make Tumblr informed of this true wolf in sheep's clothing... 」 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2qoyYg00FA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6Gex_P3Wpc 「 all i can say to all of you is be safe, be careful and be good to one another. 」