#I don't feel like making a post for pride month because I never felt like I belongeg here

[gggermicide]

I feel like people who believe in ghosts are often scared of them, but it ghosts were real that would mean : - life after death (yeay I guess) - criminals and big corporate guys being haunted for killing people - your dead pet can visit you I see only wins

[lilystyles]

when not in rome.

a @lilystyles blurb!

my masterlist & no strings attached masterlist & blurbs masterlist

authors note idk this was a random thing i wrote at 2AM because i just missed them, i am still working on style so don't worry that should be out soon. also this is set way before no strings, i love writing about them in their previous moments!

brief description harry surprises y/n at her graduation (also listen to love of my life by h whilst readinggg)

warnings! angsty? fluffy? drunk y/n and harry (2.1k)

younger!lhh!nostrings!h x reader

* * * * *

SIX YEARS BEFORE

University has a funny way of making you feel like you might never cross the finish line. Y/n like everyone else had multiple days where she would just sob and scream from the stress of it all. Exams were totally a torture device.

When Y/n graduated with her first degree before deciding to write her thesis Harry surprised her.

He’d been touring the world with One Direction for months now and she hadn’t seen him since Paris the year before, when he’d surprised her by flying her to join them in their Paris show and they’d had a wild few drunken nights that she felt blurred the lines of friendship into something more.

But after their few days, when the champagne ran out, and she came back home, she sobered and realised that nothing would ever happen between them. And if you spent a few nights with Harry in a limo drinking champagne and dealing with his wandering hands you too would fall for him. Just a bit. It's only natural.

She missed him, though, loads. He was one of her best friends after all.

Around a month ago they phoned each other, it was late for her and the morning for him, she’d been studying and they talked for hours catching up till the sky turned bright for her and her eyes drooped shut. The time between their phone calls had grown longer and longer now, and she missed him. She’d mentioned that she was graduating soon and that they were both supposed to be graduating if he’d stayed in Uni. She remembers them staying up late at parties discussing their futures and how post-graduation Harry was insistent that they’d still be roommates. She realised now that their dream definitely wasn’t a possibility anymore.

He’d told her that instead of being there graduating like they’d suspected he was going to be, he was in Rome at some fashion show gala thing, and his date was this sexy model named Rosalie who had her sex tape leaked a couple of months ago. She was happy for him, but a part of her couldn’t help but be disappointed. She felt like he was drifting away from her every day, but she couldn’t find in herself to be cross with him. He was swept up by the fame of it all, and how on earth could she be mad that he was literally a rockstar? She knew that he was still Harry and she was still Y/n but they weren’t Harry and Y/n anymore. Not like before.

And honestly, she’d probably leave everything and everyone behind, party all night, and sleep with sexy models too if she had the chance to be famous. But she couldn’t sing for shit. So instead she did what she was doing, and shoved her nose in a book rather than in lines off a bathroom sink, and she was rather content with the peacefulness of it all.

All thoughts of Harry were swept away from her mind when she walked across the stage in the grande hall. She was finally graduating! Thank god! She thought. She had a sash that showed she was an honours student, and she was blooming with pride, when they called her name her list of achievements was longer than the four painful years she’d spent studying in their grande libraries. She was so glad to shake the hand of one of her favourite professors and leave, the next year ahead she planned to travel and work overseas, she was excited about that.

But honestly, she was even more excited to get absolutely shit-faced at the graduation after-ball party. She found herself a few pints down, sitting by the edge of one of the fountains, when she nearly fell in at the absolutely shocking sight in front of her.

There was just no way it could be true. I mean he was in Rome, and she was drunk in London. She’d seen photos on her Twitter of him wrapping his tattooed arms around that Rosalie model girl, so how could he be here in London just like that? It was not real, surely. She must be hallucinating and the second-hand smoke of all the spliffs had finally got to her brain. But suddenly the man turned around and Jesus Christ it was him. It was Harry. His eyes were pinched as he searched the crowd and when he finally saw her they lit up, all green like a forest, and his mouth kicked up into that devilish grin of his.

He saw her dumb-struck expression and laughed softly walking toward his best friend. He was dressed in a suit jacket like everyone else, and since they were all drunk none of them noticed it was the Harry Styles of the One Direction AKA the biggest band in the world. To them, he was just some random twat who just graduated too.

His hair had grown all long and curly, and he just looked so much more like a man than when he’d left. Had he gotten taller? More strong? The arms of his jacket strained and Y/n sighed at the sight of him.

She didn't think she'd changed much, but Harry thought she looked even more beautiful than before, if possible.

When he stood right in front of her, her mouth was still wide in utter shock. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

He laughed. “Is that all you hafta’ say? Come on, hug your best friend!”

She sprang up from her seat and the silky long dress, which was a teal blue colour. All smooth and tight on her skin was hiked up slightly. Her gown and cap were long gone, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders. He lifted her up off the floor and spun them around. 

She smelt like peaches and sweetness, and God, he could've stayed holding her for weeks.

She giggled and felt her face hurt from smiling so big. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you!”

When he placed her down, his hands did not leave the curve of her waist. “Surprise, babe.”

“What the- shit- I thought you were in Rome! How’d you even get here?” She asked 

He smiled. “I was, got a flight this afternoon. It was the only one coming home, sorry for missing the graduation part.”

She just smiled up at him. “You’re crazy.”

He shook his head landing a hand on her shoulder. “I knew how important it was to you, and I missed you. Sue me.”

She laughed, eyes welling with slight tears. Maybe he wasn’t drifting too far from her after all. “Oh, god, don’t make me cry, you know how I get after a few pints, H.”

He laughed, arms outstretched for her to cuddle him. “Aw, pet, c’mere.”

She smacked his chest playfully but cuddled him nonetheless. “Let’s go get royally fucked, mate,” She whispered and they pulled apart, hands interlocking as she lead him off to one of the pubs where everyone was buying drinks.

It was called The Ducks Nuts.

A few of her mates were inside. Ones Harry didn’t know, but she’d already spent a good portion of the night with them. So she told them her old friend had surprised her and they’d be here and there.

Harry ordered them some shots and eventually the night was just a blur of hands touching each other, as they got so drunk Y/n felt her world spinning. They’d hopped around multiple different pubs and bars and Y/n was so tired. Her heels itched her feet with pain and she ripped them off, along with her bag. As they walked with little purpose she threw her things at him and began to dance in the middle of the road.

Harry was holding her things as she danced in the street showing her best Elton John impression, and he silently decided that was what made her so perfect. She was just herself. And he loved that about her, he loved everything about her.

He laughed and told her what a realistic impression it was, and how they’d met at some award show to back up that comment. She was infinitely jealous, she loved Elton.

On her way back toward him she landed in his arms after losing her footing he shook his head at her.

“You are very drunk, Lovie. Aren't ya'?" He said, in a soft tone one that made her tummy turn in flips.

She sighed as they walked in a direction with no destination in mind. “You aren’t drunk enough, you need to get on my level.”

He noticed her shiver under his arm and quickly ripped his coat off. It swallowed her form and she smiled gratefully hugging the coat around herself. It felt like a warm embrace, and that smell filled her nose and suddenly she was home in her old flat with him, home in Holmes Chapel, home with him. Just home.

“Smells good.” She giggled as she sniffed the shoulder pad, her cheek brushing against the soft material all dog-like. “N’ soft too.”

“Why thanks, it’s Gucci.” He replied. 

She rolled her eyes. “Come on then, money-bags, let’s get you as drunk as me.”

They strolled into a tavern near her flat and drank so much tequila that they had to practically carry each other home.

As Harry looked up at the stars and moon, feeling the cool air nip her skin he sighed. He hadn’t gotten this drunk, and been this happy in such a long time. He was giggling contently, as she leaned into him and he silently wished that the night would never end.

He never wanted his time with her to end either. He loved spending time with her, whether they were on an adventure or doing nothing at all. Y/n made it worthwhile.

When they reached the shitbox of a flat she lived in Harry followed calmly behind her, and when one of her neighbours spat a comment about drunken youths he sighed, “I wish you would’ve taken up my offer,”

She looked up at him as she played with the jammy door that never seemed to open on the first try. Shoving her shoulder into it as she managed to finally wedge it open, stumbling inside ungracefully.

And with a roll of her eyes, she ushered him inside. “There is zero chance I’d let my all-of-sudden bazillionaire rockstar friend buy me a flat, just cause he can afford shoes worth more than my entire life savings. Anyway, how could I ever pay it back? I have two p to my name and a packet of noodles in my possessions, Harry.”

He laughed. “Think of it as a graduation present then,”

She sighed. “Just shut up and sit down, and I’ll get some wine.”

It was almost 4AM now, and neither cared. They were beyond drunk, but Y/n missed him and if force-feeding him wine would get him to spend a whole 24 hours with her, she totally would.

When she sat down with two mugs spilling with a cherry red wine, that was the cheapest shit she’d ever bought, Harry laughed. Her wobbly legs forced her to land awkwardly on one thigh practically on top of his. He smiled, one that showed his kind eyes. 

Green pools of emerald she wished to swim in for eternity. She laughed at the thought, she really got poetic when she was drunk, huh?

“God, remind me to get you drunk more often.” He whispered.

She sighed. “Oh shut up, and fill me in on life then. Who are you shagging?”

He looked at her pointedly. “Who are you shagging?”

A blush crept up her neck, and suddenly the only secret she had kept from him was threatening to slip past her drunken red-stained lips.

“None of your business, but there’s this hot guy in my physics who I would totally shag,”

He laughed, but underneath it, he felt a jealousy creep up his spine, he knew he had no right since he’d been balls deep in two Italian models this morning, turns out threesomes are a really good cure for hangovers by the way. But despite that, he felt an itch he couldn’t scratch that resembled something pretty close to jealousy.

“What’s he like?” Harry asked.

She shrugged. “Dunno, tall, glasses, got that whole nerdy silent thing going for him.”

“That’s what you like then, silent types?” He asked, running a hand through his long curls, and she reached out to play with one.

She shook her head, and said distractedly, “I don’t know.”

“Makes sense why you never dated me then.” 

During primary school, Harry dated every girl in their class including Daisy and Penny, except Y/n who told him she didn’t fancy him. It was an ongoing topic of discussion between them. Why wasn't he good enough? He always asked.

She laughed at that comment. “I know you too well for that, and I get the unfiltered you, and I lived with you which was basically like being married to you. We bickered too much to ever date, Haz.”

He looked at her with hooded eyes, and for some reason that stung, but trying to be light-hearted he said. “Never say never, what if we needed to repopulate the earth?”

She looked over at him and placed a hand on his and kissed his cheek, all soft and slow, and for a moment he thought she might actually kiss him for real but instead, she said. “There’ll be no hope for humanity then.”

He sighed, fake pouting before a couple of minutes of silence passed and he turned to her and said. “Come with me to Brazil.”

Her eyes widened, “What?"

“I leave tomorrow night, come with me.” He said.

She frowned. “What? Come with you? You can't be serious.”

He nodded. “Please? I miss you! And we can party for a whole week together, or sleep, or do whatever the fuck you want! Just come, pack a bikini and something sparkly, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Y/n and Harry did end up going to Brazil but that’s a story for another time.

She stood up from the couch holding her hand out to him, and he slid his into hers. Cool rings grazing the soft skin of her palm.

“Let’s just go to sleep, you're talking like a crazy person.” She said, softly pushing a lock of his hair away from his eyes.

He sighed at her, “But m’ serious, Love.”

“Alright, ask me again tomorrow. That is if you even remember...now come on, let’s listen to Fleetwood Mac and sleep until tomorrow evening.”

Y/n's room was cosy and welcoming. Harry felt his eyes droop at the sight. A tiny lamp shining over them in an orange glow, her cot-like bed covered in blankets and the scent of her likely covering those sheets.

That night they slept in Y/n’s twin bed, cuddling, with Stevie Nicks serenading them to sleep. Cheeks plump and pink from too much alcohol, hands wandering scandalously, and the love in air was thick and obvious.

Before Y/n fell asleep she pecked his lips, in a quick kiss, one that it barely even touched him and said, “Night, mate,”

His lips burned like wildfire, and from that night on, he did think humanity had a chance if it was up to them. Whether or not she believed that.

“Night, Love.”

i have been a bit slack with updates lately...second year of uni is crazy and im already soooo busy, but i missed them and i wanted to write a lil sum for y'all until my next proper update :) BIG LOVEEEE

[fangswbenefits]

getting this off my chest

I really, really love writing for this fandom.

I think I haven't felt like this in years.

Astarion is such an enticing vessel for my creativity and has rekindled my joy for writing and putting it out there.

Alas, imposter syndrome really gnaws at my nerves more often than I care to admit.

"But Ruby, you have so many people who like your work. Why do you doubt yourself?"

Because I grew up being told I was never enough. That I was the worst at what I did best, which back then was learning English and surrounding myself in the language, hence why I sought comfort in fanfiction.

My sister, whom I love dearly, is an English teacher. She would be so harsh on me, and I know she meant well. She really did. But it was so hard back then. I would come to her with creative writing in English and she would just roll her eyes and tell me I wasn't good enough.

Nowadays, she acknowledges that I am more proficient than her and more at ease with the language, and even tells my nephew to study English with me instead.

But back then, I needed someone to believe I could do better.

So, there is a part of me that is proud that I am able to deal with real-life fatigue by writing and finding enjoyment in this hobby. But a much darker part of me tells me I'm not worthy and that I simply got lucky.

The Arrangement means a lot to me. I tend to dive right into fandoms and start writing for the character that caught my eye.

But I couldn't do that for Astarion... I am still unsure why. For those of you who have been here from my Miguel O'Hara days or when I first started posting about Astarion, you'll know The Arrangement was the first thing I ever posted for him.

Took me 2 weeks to get the first chapter out because I kept thinking I couldn't find a voice for Astarion. One that felt like him. After all, I'm always a step behind because I am not a native speaker. There will always be that looming feeling that I can't convey this story properly.

Even if you now know me for my Astarion smut, that wasn't even the driving force of my love for him.

It took me 2 months to feel comfortable writing smut for him. Why? I don't even know.

But The Arrangement feels different.

I love writing it and I love taking my liberties with the plot.

It's my opportunity to fully showcase my love for him.

I know not everyone likes it. I know some of you have dropped it. Some of you will drop it. But some will walk along this path with me, and I can't stress enough how your feedback and love help keep these negative thoughts at bay.

It's an internal work, though. It is not your job to validate my writing skills. This is not what puts food on my table. I am not looking to be published. I am looking for an escape. And it's so frustrating when my mind tries to rob me of joy even when it comes to a hobby.

"If this is a hobby why does it matter what others think or if they like what you write? Just have fun. Write for yourself."

And I do write for myself, but I share my work because I am hopeful my words can make someone's day. I seek that connection I never had growing up. Perhaps it sounds silly, but it's what makes the most sense in my head.

The Arrangement should be my pride and joy even if not perfect (nothing ever is, I suppose). And I'm exhausted of not feeling proud of it. I'm tired of this vicious cycle of self-doubt.

Don't get me wrong. I love writing smut. I think that's what I'm best at (well, in my opinion). I love exploring Astarion this way, too, but...

I don't know where I'm going with this... if anyone has made it this far, thank you, and sorry for the word vomit...

[gonzo-rella]

Not A Girl, Or Anything, Really | Phoebe Spengler

MASTERLIST | AO3 | KO-FI

Pride Month 2024 #3

Relationship(s): nonbinary!Phoebe Spengler x nonbinary!reader (platonic)

Summary: In the midst of a gender crisis, Phoebe confides in you.

Warnings: Coming out scene. (Let me know if I need to add any)

Word count: 0.4k

(A/N: I love the idea of Phoebe being nonbinary, and I love the idea of being an older sibling figure to her, so I thought I'd combine those two things in a short fic. I want to write some more Ghostbusters fics with a nonbinary reader (I can see myself writing a Ray Stantz x enby!reader fic at some point), so let me know if you'd be interested in that. If you're reading this during June, I'm taking Pride Month requests, where I'll be writing for queer readers. I'm trying to post every day, or on most days, but I don't have enough ideas to fill up the whole month, so give me some ideas, pretty please. I've written and plan to write a lot of nonbinary!reader stuff because I'm self-indulgent like that and there's not enough fics out there for enby!readers, but I'll happily write for readers with other queer identities! (By the way, I write for the queers year-round, but I'm focusing on specifically queer!reader fics this month).)

You could tell that whatever Phoebe wanted, or needed, to say wouldn’t leave her lips easily. She looked at you uncertainly, her gaze flickering between your eyes and the floor.

“You’re nonbinary,” she began hesitantly.

Nodding, you smiled at her to ease her visible anxiety.

“Correct. Go on.”

She rubbed her arms in an effort to ease her nerves. Then, she managed to look you dead in the eye.

“Do you think I could be nonbinary, too?”

You chuckled.

“That’s not for me to decide, Pheebs,” you said, voice warm. “Do you think you could be nonbinary?”

She shrugged.

“Maybe. I don’t know,” she replied. Though, to you, it came out like she had at least an inkling but lacked the confidence to admit it. “How… how did you know?”

“I thought about how I felt. What made me uncomfortable, what made me comfortable, how did I see myself, how did I want other people to see me,” you explained. “So, how do you feel?”

Phoebe glanced away as she contemplated your question. She looked self-conscious, in the kind of way that anyone exposing their most vulnerable thoughts and feelings naturally would.

“Well, I’ve never really cared about what people saw me as,” she said. “Being a girl, or being seen as one, doesn’t matter much to me. It’s never really bothered me that that’s how people see me, either. I don’t mind being called ‘she’, or my mom’s ‘daughter’, or Trevor’s ‘sister’. But, when I think about it, I don’t see myself as a girl, or anything, really. I guess it’d be nice if other people saw me that way, too. But, I don’t see the point in telling anyone if it doesn’t make me uncomfortable when people see me as a girl.”

She stared at you, as if waiting for an answer.

“I still can’t tell you what you are,” you insisted, with a gentle laugh. “You need to trust yourself to figure this out. And, it’s okay if you don’t figure it out, too.”

She seemed dissatisfied with what you had to say, so you felt obliged to offer her something. With a huff, you continued.

“But- and I’m still not telling you what you are- you don’t have to feel uncomfortable with being a girl to be nonbinary. And, I know how easy it is to convince yourself that asking people to respect who you are means you’re being difficult or something. But, anyone who’s worth being in your life will respect who you are, without treating it like an inconvenience.”

You watched as she took in your words. She locked eyes with you once again.

“I’m nonbinary.”

You grinned.

“Welcome to the club, Pheebs.”

Phoebe smiled. She paused before speaking again.

“Can you say that you’re nonbinary?” 

You knitted your brows.

“Uh, I’m nonbinary?”

“Hi, nonbinary. I’m Phoebe.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose.

“I should’ve seen that one coming.”

[gffa]

This is a long rant and I apologise if this comes off as too much 😅 I just want to let you know that I'm SO GLAD you're part of the star wars fandom. You're one of the few reasons my interest in this franchise has survived despite the toxicness that it has seeped into everything the past few years. Yes, star wars fandom has always been pretty much a mess but I feel like these days it's somehow gotten even worse. And there isn't even anything coming out that could distract everyone from the constant drama.

Your blog and your posts about the books are always a breath of fresh air in all this. I really appreciate that you take time to make all these long canon references and share them with us. And that you actually engage with canon content! For some reason that seems to be a tall order for most 'fans' these days.

It's exhausting seeing the ice cold takes about the jedi be repeated over and over again by people who seem to have barely even watched the films, let alone read the random book they're referencing to show how the jedi are So Evil and failed poor anakin by Forcing him to let go of his Attachments so they definitely deserved to all get massacred down to the last child!!! And if you push back by citing literally anything canonical to show how ridiculous their takes are they reference a random obscure legends novel (that they are often twisting and also usually haven't even read) And if you point out that, no, Legends isn't canon (and never has been) and we could discuss it as its own separate thing instead of dragging it into canon discussions, they completely flip and say they don't care and to stop taking star wars so seriously 🙄 ( u can probably tell I've had some pretty frustrating fandom arguments recently lol)

It does feel like groundhog day sometimes with the same arguments being repeated over and over again to villainize the jedi while absolving the genocidal mass enslaving space fascists that are Very Clearly the Bad Guys. And it feels pretty much deliberate at this point when people misunderstand star wars' canon definition of attachment and project all their issues in their own lives with their christian upbringing onto the space monks... This has only been exacerbated by people like Headland jumping onto the franchise and doing this with fuckass disney's approval, so now the racist anti jedi youtubers have started attacking this new anti jedi show so if I defend the jedi I get lumped in with them *sigh*

Anyway, I just listened to Padawan's Pride because of your posts and it was fun and a much needed palate cleanser for me after the months of anti jedi takes. I also started reading your jedi citations project and it's gotten me back into reading some other of my favorite jedi fics and maybe writing some of my own. So tldr; Thank You!

Oh, anon, I hear you and I went through a lot of similar feelings over the last few months. In between a lot of IRL stuff coming up and the fandom getting incredibly weird about Jedi fans (soooo much projection going on that it started getting unsettling sometimes) and the same old constant beratement on my posts, I was thinking that I was just too tired to deal with any of it.

It did get hard some days because it felt like no matter how hard I tried to be friendly and make a point to say that everyone needed to be allowed their space whether we agreed or not, that I would still get words put in my mouth or my posts misinterpreted or accused of trying to shut down other people's conversations, when I've never even interacted with that person, I've never reblogged anything from them, never talked about them, just made my own posts about the Jedi on my own blog.

That aspect of how, if we write posts that cite Lucas quotes or moments from the movies and shows, we're taking things too seriously (or the super weird one of how we're trying to "force" people to have to take Lucas' commentary as a holy grail or whatever), then we're taking it too seriously is SO REAL, I have been through that SO MUCH. And it's like, no! Nobody has to take authorial intention into consideration! But if you're going to say that I ~missed the point~ of what Lucas intended with the movies, I'm going to break out the Lucas quotes to show that, no, I didn't miss the point. You're still not obligated to agree, but the point is that I'm not coming out of nowhere with my views and deriding me as not a ~true fan~ or whatever is asshole behavior.

And it's hard to have that groundhogs day feeling, especially because you don't necessarily want to spend that time getting into arguments with people--they are allowed their own space, if they want it! But if they're coming into our space, then yes we get to respond with an essay if we like. (And, hey, some of us genuinely like writing essays, it's satisfying!) But I've found the best mindset for me to have when arguing is: I'm not going to convince this person in front of me and that's fine, they're not going to convince me, either. But there are other people watching this discussion and they are seeing which one of us is being a pill and which one of us looks kinda fun to hang out with.

Which is my way of winding around to what I really want to say--I'm so glad that I can help you want to have fun in this corner of fandom! There's always going to be times to respond with sharp edges to Jedi-critical stuff (especially when it starts dipping into the racist, xenophobic, bigoted nonsense)(not all of Jedi criticism is this, but it does happen all too often), I don't blame Jedi fans for having their nerves scraped raw by people feeling absolutely free to treat our posts like public property instead of them coming into someone else's lane to make a mess. (I've met some very nice Jedi critical people, this isn't about them, this is about the assholes.)

But is it really worth being in a fandom where that's all we do anymore? We can't avoid the negativity, we can't avoid people being assholes to us, but we can work on making the content we want to see at the end of a long day when we get home and log onto the computer and want to see something that makes us feel joyful.

I hope I'm doing my part to make it fun to stick around the fandom, to want to read some of the books or some of the fic, I love the artists who are drawing the cutest Jedi art, I love the fic writers who are writing great Jedi-positive stories, I love people who make silly shitposts about how funny the Jedi fan be, I love people who cry over the deaths of their favorite Jedi, they help make the fandom worthwhile.

It really does make a huge difference, I think! Whenever I need that same palette cleanser, I just take a week or so to push aside all discourse (don't even go look), just pick up some of my favorite Jedi fics, just go looking for some of my favorite Jedi art, reread "Padawan" or "Padawan's Pride" or "Obi-Wan & Anakin" or "The Living Force" or "Dark Rendezvous" and just spend time thinking about the things I love about the Jedi in canon, thinking up headcanons about lineages or nerdy Jedi philosophy arguments or adrenaline junkies, and it helps create the space I want to be in.

Hearing that I can help you with that is a huge boost as well--I hope you know that it helps me in return to know that we can help build something together here in our corner of the Star Wars internet. We're in this together and we can cheer each other up with cute content and I am getting out the pom-poms for you to have fun with that fic! <3

[dailygtwscar]

[248 - ARTIST SUPPORT 🧡]

It's Disability Pride Month!

If you're a disabled artist of any kind, please promote yourselves in my submissions!! I'll queue up everything till the end of the month. (I don't know how artists supports work here or if they're even a thing at all but !!!!!!!!!)

(rules are: no nsfw, no AI-generated images, no NFTs, tag your tweet with the proper warnings)

Also, here's some stuff I'd like to get off my chest (long text post ahead).

First of all, I wanna i want to mention something about how I draw Scar. I know I haven't been the best at drawing him with mobility aids. I'm still trying to get better at it. Scar himself has seen some of my posts & has never really said anything about how I draw him, but I personally don't think that's a valid excuse for me to only occasionally draw him with mobility aids. I apologize, and I will try my best to draw him with mobility aids more often now.

Another thing I wanna talk about is the reason I couldn't make a disability pride post earlier than I intended (which is honestly just me venting but it'll give a bit of context on my sporadic posting schedule). I was really anxious about it because of the internalized ableism / impostor syndrome I've been dealing with for the past year or so. I have an anxiety disorder and I am also neurodivergent. Somehow, it didn't feel right calling myself disabled even though it has made it almost impossible for me to get through highschool, have dropped out of college because of how severe my anxiety got, how rsd has kicked my butt since I was little, how it's so hard for me to read social cues and make friends, how my terrible memory has caused me forget the most simple & important things (and it has gotten me in trouble so many times), how most of the people in my life were ableist towards me, etc, and just overall how made it difficult for me to be a "normal" human in society. All because I've convinced myself that "it's not that bad" (spoiler alert, it is).

Even now, I still feel iffy calling myself disabled despite being diagnosed for nearly three years now. I felt like I didn't have the right to talk about anything related to disability because mine isn't physical. At the end of the day, I'm still disabled. I know it's not a bad thing. It's just very difficult. So please be patient with me, with both art and me in general. I'm really trying my hardest here.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

Hi Mara,

I wanted to say that all of your writing feels extremely genuine, and I am inspired by the honesty and detachment in your retrospective posts, especially when talking about personal—external—influences. I rarely hear others say that their interest in X is simply gone, or admit that they like(d) Y because the ‘context’ seemingly urged them to. A pattern I often notice instead is personal attachment and the unwillingness to let go of ideas and things which no longer resonate or never really have in the first place.

I wish it was easy to distill all of one’s experiences and likes, remember why and how they came to be, be honest as to how one felt about them, separate the wheat from the chaff, and arrive at something that feels truly genuine and ‘you’.

It feels reductive and probably comes with projection on my part, but that’s the impression I get.

Hope the storm didn’t affect you and your family too much.

Good morning, anonymous--thank you very much for such a kind message!

I wrote about this more vaguely in last months subscriber post, reflecting on "how nothing seemed to scare me" lately and how baffling it seemed that people thought Stephen King's Apt Pupil was a terrifying horror story, and incidentally had been thinking about this during the period of having power but having no internet after Hurricane Milton--I had all these videogames I tried to play but realized they all felt completely boring and uninteresting without something to listen (my favorite streamer, my favorite podcast) to while playing (and in turn, that I needed to be doing something somewhat stimulating while listening to something); I had all these anime shows I could be watching, too, but again little interest because they were all just dead boring--and all I could really manage for myself were to read Henry James and rediscover my old Longmont Potion Castle collection to listen to until internet came back;

but, I don't know how much the genuine 'you' matters; I think about something a sculpture professor told me about the hippies and an adage they had that went kill your parents, and the professor added that it was meant not (always) literally, but to disentangle yourself from 'the origin' or: maybe: the most sacred and profane feelings you see yourself as being a-part of;

realizing I basically have zero interest in being an artist might have been a big hurdle for me to disentangle from way-back in Wilderness when I had some ego-fear of losing my identity as Marabarl and what that entailed: divulging everything about myself, being self destructive, seeming crazy, and using it all as oil to art--severing that all seemed like it would drive me more lonely and leave me with nothing but some bare-dry stick of a person that'd few people would be interested in (but glimpsing at this idea also spoke to how 'being an artist' had little to do with my own desire and more to do with maintaining 'connection' with 'invisible others'). I don't know if killing my parent there had left me a more true version of myself, but it severed connections I mostly kept entwined by wholly out of fear of the loneliness or of letting go of a familiar rot and pain. I'm far more boring than the older Mara, because really now all I'd like to do is go to my weekly sandwich shop, cook, clean, read, listen to audiobooks, be monotonously religious, and try to write bad fiction that I never finish because I keep rewriting the same few parts for months at a time.

There's a quote from a book I finished a few days ago, For Thy Great Pain Have Mercy On My Little Pain, by Victoria Mackenzie, that I really loved:

"When the day begins, we say that it is breaking. So with my life. Part of me had to be taken into pieces before I could truly start to live. For in my shewings Jesus had said, 'I shall shatter you for your vain passions and your vicious pride; and after that I shall gather you together and make you humble and meek, pure and holy, be oneing you to me.'

My will was broken and I am glad of it. I am only a thing that moves this broom and sweeps the curled leaves and corpses of insects from one side of my cell to the other."

Each layer of myself, as it seems with age, starts to seem more-and-more to be a vanity that I hold to myself well-after it has separated and shed, out of fear and comfort for the more simple figure that is underneath--morosely, I start to really believe the purest part of my-self comes with death when all has been shed away wholly and the carcass is left as the most simple and un-connected atom of Me, and for others: when the Left are shred out to ash and the Right are ate up to heaven; tears and emotion for the dead, too, a type of vanity over wishing that lost other to not be gone from the identity yet though it is truly just another vain callous now shed and clung-to: Dieth and Daniela who I keep getting mad at in fear of letting go-of;

but even in more simple ways--remembering old loves towards things like Narutaru and not wanting to let go because of how fond and warm they felt just a few years ago, and keeping that old passion around like it were furniture that had gone decrepit past any real function except favor; although, during Hurricane Milton, again between time of Power but no Internet, I rewatched some of FLCL and .hack//sign and wished I could be rewatching Hey Arnold's scary episodes--cause really no-matter how much I think I'm capable of letting go of things that seem all vain, boring, and worthless to the simple self, I am a simple creature who wants comfort in the familiar and to things I've loved and felt loved by. And, luckily, I still love Boogiepop! (I think it's easier to keep a love for those things around because they don't really remind me of bad-times as Narutaru does, but I'd like to always keep an effort to keep Hiroko and cute little Ensof in my heart)

Take care.

[bridgertonbabe]

Signing off.

I never really thought I'd ever write a post like this and to be perfectly honest I feel a bit cringe for even making a thing out of this but I felt it necessary to address those of you who follow me and my writings.

In the last month I have been suffering severely from anxiety, waking up to what feels like a ball of dread clutching at my heart and being unable to shift it for the better part of the day. It's all come to a head as of late because I've reached a crossroads in my life where I've realised just how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. Truth to be told I really don't have any aspect in my life that I am happy with and for years I've dismissed myself and my own desires for the sake of others to the point where I have no self worth, no self confidence, and I just feel like a shell of a person. Realising that I can't go on like this, that I can't live the life I aspire to without sorting my mental health out, I've taken the first steps in getting counselling and in going to the doctors to be put on anti-depressants.

While I'm already starting to feel better, I've decided it's in my best interests to take some other steps going ahead; which is I'm logging off this account.

Don't get me wrong, this account has brought me fulfillment in the last two and a half years and I've had so much fun interacting with so many of you but as of late I've become very disengaged with Bridgerton. It's one of several of my hyperfixations which I have become anxious with in the last few weeks, in part because they are what I used to immerse myself in as a means to distract myself from a dissatisfying existence, but now I've decided to make a change in my life for the better, everything that I once used to bury my head in the sand has now essentially given me the ick. Bridgerton is just now one of several things that I feel the need to distance myself from in order to fully focus and concentrate on bettering my mental health as well as getting what I want out of life.

As much as I've taken pride in writing because of Bridgerton, my dream has always to one day publish a book of my own and I need to refocus my energies on writing my own original stories to have the chance of maybe being able to make that dream a reality. I would have so dearly loved to have been able to complete a whole host of WIPs (would have also loved to have been able to just focus on one story at a time but c'est la vie) and I can only apologise to anyone who's been hoping for an update from any of them.

You will still be able to read all of my works on AO3 (plus I've restored a couple I had previously hidden from view), and I won't be deleting this tumblr so all of my drabbles and various posts will still be here for you to browse and read at your leisure.

Though I'm stepping away from this account, I don't necessarily know if this will be forever. I might well end up in a better place mentally at some point and return with a healthier state of mind where I can enjoy Bridgerton again, and I would never rule out contributing writings again - however as it stands, I don't want to promise anything and taking care of my mental health is my main priority for now and the foreseeable future.

I also just wanted to take the opportunity to thank every single person who has ever liked, reblogged, and interacted with me since I joined. I had never previously shared any of my creative writing online and thought it would be nice if even a single person somewhere vaguely liked anything I had to share - but over the last two and a half years I've been given such a boost from the amount of people who have reached out and commented on any one of my silly writings. I don't think you'll ever understand just how much it has meant to me and the love and appreciation will stay with me forever.

That about does it, so thank you all for everything. I wish you all a lifetime of health and happiness.

Signing off,

Shinnie

xxx

[eunoiaaaivy]

you're enough.

tw: breakdown, angst, hurt with comfort, a bit of cyber-bullying and bad comments (not from kags).

a/n: purely self-indulgent, hihi.

the sounds of crying resonates through the dimly-lit condo as you heave up and down. you couldn't breathe properly, the sadness consumed you in a way you never wanted. haven't you given enough?

a hand, a very warm hand at the small of your back coos you gently. kageyama didn't mind at all, he felt at frantic no matter how gentle his touch was.

kageyama wasn't good with this, he was awkward. but seeing you breakdown like this hurts him so bad, he could hear his heart shattering as your sobs became more louder.

each sob resonating the wall break his heart, the weight of the world was on your shoulders yet he can't figure out how to fix this. how to remove it from your shoulders.

this burnt out state you're in- this mess you were in, was so valid. yet the way you shook uncontrollably made his mind feel a bit haywired, short circuiting while it tried to comfort you.

"haven't i given enough, tobio? im so exhausted, so tired yet i can't even feel enough." you sobbed out to his chest, chin on top of your head as kageyama's hand continues to soothe you out.

"who said that love? you've done more than enough- you're enough. your feelings are valid. i know you're sad and im sorry for not knowing how to comfort you...but im always here for you." kageyama said in an awkward voice, but panicked quickly as you sobbed more on to his chest.

"i don't deserve you tobio! you shouldn't have a girlfriend who's sobbing because of other people's mean comments!" you wailed out more as you clutched his shirt. it hurts to know that you received so much hate, so much pressure from his fans.

"hey, who said that? what matters is i love you...and that i have you." the blue eyed adult whispered out in a bit of aggression, angry to whoever said that to you.

"but you could've done better you know? you could've found someone better, prettier and just perfect for you." you muttered out in a hurt tone, a clear indicator you were on the edge.

"and i did, because i have you. you're enough for me, im sorry for the way my fans treat you. i'll ask help from the pr to help us fix this. you don't have to pressure yourself." he whispers out quietly, breath stammering with the way this pressure was so...consuming and negative.

a kiss to your forehead, and long words he doesn't drag out outside of the corridors comfort you. sniffles turning in to laughter and a small smile replacing the frown you once had.

kageyama had to put a stop on to this. and so he did. the team posted a message, a text for privacy and respect. it may hurt, but doesn't his fans want him to be happy?

the bullying came to a stop as kageyama became more private on all his socials, pictures of fits and after-games with his teammates. what they don't know is that his other private account was filled with his everyday life- pictures of the both of you. from dates to gifts to just pictures of yourself.

kageyama stares at his phone, the picture of you wearing one of the biggest smiles he has seen after a few months. it makes his heart beam with pride as he gets to call you mrs. kageyama now, a big grin showing up on his face as he sees the wedding ring on your ring finger once he plopped his phone down on the bed.

you really were enough for him.

[bettyshoweduptotheparty]

You can't hear it in the 'silence'... I have to get something off my chest

Sorry, this isn't going to be a fun post, but I've thought about it for a few days now, and I really need to get this off my chest if I want to continue talking about Taylor Swift in this space.

Reading Taylor's wrap up post for the London shows/European tour on Wednesday night filled me with relief, but left a bad aftertaste and I couldn't really put my finger on why, but it irked me so much that it kept me up all night. If you haven't seen, this was her post with the usual photo carousel:

So, finally, Miss Swift has found her voice addressing Vienna. And I don’t personally love the way she handled it, but I totally understand her reasoning and am aware that we have very different perceptions of danger given that home invasions and stalking are a frequent occurrence in her world, when that’s not something any of us have to fear.  And I thank Taylor, her team, and the Met Police for how incredibly safe the concerts felt, given the circumstances. But something has been bothering me about all of this, and it’s the way she addresses the ‘silence’.

Why is now the time she can finally “make something very clear”? Where was this when her creepy 'fans' swarmed and harassed her at Jack Antonoff's wedding last summer or when gaylors were told 8 times a day to off themselves following a simple NYT article? Yes, I’m disappointed. Because she can when she wants to. And the ‘restraint’ can sure feel like abandonment when people are hurting and nowhere is safe from Swifties… I doubt anybody really thought she doesn’t care or isn’t working hard to make the shows safe. But I have a question about that.

Why is my safety taken more seriously when I’m attending her concert than when my safe space online is being invaded by people telling me to go die? Twice in the last 8 months have I actually altered my behaviour because I felt distinctly unsafe as a gay woman in a Taylor Swift-related space. Why did it take such a scary event for that stadium to truly feel like a safe space for people to even show up wearing a pride flag as a cape , when back in June, I didn't feel safe enough to wear rainbow laces in my shoes. Because hate that turns into actual real life violence always starts online, and I just didn't want to risk it when people were calling for my public execution on social media mere months ago while Miss Taylor was yet again 'silent'....where was her ability to 'make something very clear' then? Was my safety, all of our collective safety, not important unless I've paid for a ticket to her show? Because I don't see the difference in what it would do to Taylor if even a single life was lost to excessive harassment and bullying by swifties versus if we got attacked at a stadium or during a dance class.

When you go on record saying you never want to be silent on important issues ever again, you can't act all annoyed when people subsequently expect you to say something when a fascist and convicted felon may be elected to government again, or queer people are being harassed within an inch of their lives in your name by your very fans. In the silence, actions speak louder than words and the legacy of a year of WAG Taylor catering to die hard conservative football fans and smiling in photographs with Tr*mp supporters (in an election year!) is really very scary. Those photos on the front of every newspaper may just be louder than any words she said five years ago (and no, performance art does not absolve anyone from that).

I'm all for thinking before speaking, but I don't want to feel like she's actively sending the bullies our way with her actions and verbal 'restraint'. I want to enjoy her art with the people in my community in a safe environment every day, not just when I'm coming to a stadium.

Since it's tour break, I'm also going to take a bit of a break from here, get some perspective, get my kids settled into a new school year. Maybe even try this dating in my 30s thing...(scary!). Have a good September, peeps! 😘

[biteofcherry]

In grain of truth, now that they've mated...will omega "overcorrect" to assert her independence? In this a/b/o world, what does a mating bond entail? Are alpha and omega more in tune with one another's emotions?

The last chapter of GOT brought a bit of chaos and made a lot of people torn about how to treat the supposedly forced bond. I told people in the comments to wait and see, because as it's been with this story from the beginning not everything is like it seems. Same with bonding.

I don't know when or if at all I'll get back to writing, but to sate the curiosity of a few her's a little glimpse into what was happening in the next chapter. (no, it doesn't mean I'm working again on any of my stories, it's something I already had those months ago)

Grain of Truth - chapter 8 snippet (unedited)

Your brain, still quite mushy from the post-orgasmic haze, pinged with alertness. 

The mark over your mating gland was throbbing pleasantly, in tune with the bliss pulsing in your whole body. You touched the spot with your fingertips, felt the content warmth and pride swell in your heart. A heart that seemed to pound with strength unknown to it until now.

“You bonded me,” you whispered, astonishment breaking into a betrayal. 

A part of you knew that bonding would be something Steve insists on, but you thought of it as something to happen much later in your relationship. 

Not only did it happen so soon, but he snapped it into place at your most vulnerable and submissive state. 

“Yes.” Steve replied softly, as if it was the most natural and obvious thing. 

He frowned, seeing your eyes well with tears. Your body was still pressed to his, your leg over his thigh, but you tilted your head back from him. 

At first he didn’t understand your reaction, then he remembered how new all of this was to you. How foreign with the concept of true mates you were. For years you held onto your own presumptions, building lies on stereotypes to shield yourself from ever forming a relationship with any alpha. You skipped some important truths in your need to rebel.

You had to enroll back to some classes, or maybe at least talk to Amita about the basic truths you chose to never learn. 

“Hey,” he said your name in a soothing tone and moved one of his hands to cup the back of your head and make you look at him. “Can you take a deep breath for me and focus on what exactly you’re feeling on the bond spectrum?” 

Instinct told you to struggle, but your body was too spent to put any real resistance. You sneered at Steve, but he only held you in place and asked you to focus once again. 

So you did. With every intention of pouring your irritation into it so hard that Steve feels it like a punch over the mating bond. 

However, the deeper you sank into what you were sensing inside of you, the calmer you were. There was a tiny hint of worry, but overall it was a calm certainty of feelings, a bloom of love and contentment. 

And you knew they weren’t your emotions.

Yours were still a bit uncertain, chaotic, wonderfully in the whirlwind of slowly falling in love.

You understood then that what you felt when you focused on the bond was Steve’s feelings. The heartbeat you thought was yours, only stronger, was Steve’s. 

“I feel you.” You said. 

Steve traced a finger over your cheek and then down to your arm. He took your hand in his and put it over his sternum. 

“That’s what I did.” He explained. “A mating bite is a gift, not a demand. I bit you, because I was ready to open to you. To give you access to my feelings.” 

You frowned, not grasping the full meaning behind his words. Was he trying to veil the breach of trust and forcing you to bond with him? 

He sighed, noticing your confusion. 

“You’re thinking of a mating bond as something that’s like a leash. Or a GPS tracker. Some of the alpha romances really have it all wrong and the authors should be walloped for that.” He growled with irritation. 

“In truth, the bond allows one to sense the distress of the partner and react quicker, but most of all it’s a final act of showing your commitment.” Steve tapped the back of your hand that rested above his heart. “And it’s the biting partner that opens up, not the one getting the bite.” 

“That makes zero sense.” You blurted out.

“Oh, and the other way around makes more sense?” Steve chuckled. “Or are you just so used to seeing it your way that it’s hard to accept it’s the opposite?” 

Steve rolled his body over you, trapping you beneath his massive form once again. And like it happened every time he did it, your body tingled with anticipation. However, he didn’t part your legs, didn’t rut into you; didn’t even touch you. 

“A bite over a mating gland is like giving a wedding ring.” He leaned down, rubbing the tip of his nose along yours. “Me giving it to you as a sign of my commitment. Of me trusting you with my heart and mind.” 

You felt the truth behind his words inside you, felt it on that hook in your heart. 

“You feel me. But I don’t feel you.” There was an undertone of sadness in Steve’s voice, but it wasn’t a manipulation to force the right words out of you. And now you were certain of it, because you sensed it through the bond.

For the first time it seemed you were on even footing with Steve, being able to tell if he was honest or just wanted to trick you. In the uneven power dynamic between alpha and omega that provided you a power of your own. 

“You don’t feel what I feel?” You asked, still hesitant. “You don’t know what I think?”

All the times he figured out there was something bothering you, or the way he so easily played your body as if he knew all the weak spots before discovering them. If Steve gained even more insight into you, you’d be powerless against him.

“No, not until you bite me.” Steve brushed his lips over yours. “When you bite my mating gland, only then can I truly sense you. Only then the actual true bond snaps into place.” 

You opened your lips to accuse him of already having weird access to your thoughts, but Steve’s soft huff of laughter interrupted you.

“I’m good at reading people and you wear some of your emotions on your beautiful face.” He teased you. “And your body has tells too…” one of his hands slid along your side, thumb brushing the underside of your breast.

Your nipple instantly hardened, your back arching upward to rub against Steve’s naked chest.

“You’re so very responsive.” Steve hummed appreciatively. 

“You- you’re distracting from the main topic.” You scolded, but it sounded too breathy and helpless to impress anyone. Plus, your treacherous body preferred to follow the newly ignited spark of arousal. 

“I’m distracting?” Steve’s hand traveled further south. “I’m not the one splayed so openly; so warm and wet, and smelling of me.” 

“That’s also your fault,” you groaned when he nudged your legs apart. “You covered me in your come almost head to toe.” 

It was absolutely filthy, some of the things he did to you. Yet your body and the primitive hindbrain of yours shaked in ecstasy. 

“Mhm, there are still some unsoiled nooks.” Steve’s voice lowered, as his fingers dipped between your soaked folds and further down. 

“Nu-uh,” you shook your head even as your body opened up to his ministrations, “I’m not taking it up the ass.” 

Steve’s eyes darkened, a single digit circling your hole. 

“Not yet,” he whispered, moving his fingers back to your sopping entrance, “but not never.” 

[amostexcellentblog]

Since we're at the end of Pride I thought I'd post an angsty queer history-themed IceMav concept that I've been toying with.

Basically, I remembered reading somewhere that during the early days of the AIDS pandemic, the military personnel with HIV were prosecuted for sodomy, discharged without medical coverage, and in at least one instance made to live in a special barracks wing. And this got me imagining the fallout if someone at Top Gun was discovered to have it.

I see it as a few months after the first movie, Ice and Mav are instructors, they've been hooking up since shortly after Mav ended things with Charlie, but it's strictly a friends with benefits thing. The key points are:

Someone at Top Gun is discovered to have AIDS, the Navy panics, closes off the base, no leave, no visitors, but because of the logistics and politics of it all (the White House and Pentagon really want to keep it quiet that the gay plague was discovered at such an elite symbol of US military strength) it's hard for the Navy to decide what to do next.

When the patient's name and photo come out, both Ice and Mav panic because he might've been an old hookup but neither is sure, neither ever bothered asking for names, they never felt the need for another night until each other (neither is ready to think too hard about that)

They were aware of the disease, but both have internalized homophobia where they think of AIDS as something that affects the freaks, weirdos and other non-conformist queers, not more masculine presenting ones like them.

With leadership paralyzed by red tape, everyone starts to get paranoid. They start second guessing how exactly it's transmitted. Asking for a test is taboo because it's seen as admitting you did something (had sex with another man) that would make you worried you have it.

Ice and Mav cut off all contact cold turkey.

After a week Mav shows up at Ice's because he can't take the loneliness and the isolation, and he realized that with Goose gone, Ice is his closest friend. Ice hesitates but lets him in.

Instead of their usual hookup, they just talk. They both admit they're worried they have it, and how afraid they are of losing everything. That leads to a discussion of their backgrounds, their daddy issues, childhoods, etc. They start to understand each other better.

They eventually undress the other, ostensibly to check for Kaposi sarcoma, but really to share some physical intimacy that isn't sexual. After they finish exploring the other's body they fall asleep.

Slider finds them the next morning when he bursts in, ready to tell Ice off for cutting him out for the last week.

"Oh for Christs sake Tom, I knew you were a homo. I don't care, long as you keep your personal life to yourself and don't start dessin' up like Judy Garland we'll be fine. But Damnit Tom, HIM!?!"

(This is enough to qualify Ron as a decent ally by 1980s military man standards)

"Yeah, him. Look Ron, I didn't expect it to happen, but he's stuck around and he's probably, no, he's definitely gonna be here for a while... At least if he wants to."

"I do" (this is the first time they acknowledge they feel more than physical attraction to the other, and the first time either has done that to another man.)

That is how their relationship develops past just sex

They still have a lot of work to do, a lot of internal homophobia to unlearn, and a lot of external obstacles (including more homophobia, fun!) to face, but this is where it really started.

Years later they'll acknowledge the cruel irony of finding something so beautiful in such a terrible situation and admit they weren't really the heroes in this particular chapter of history. But they'll never apologize for finding each other, in whatever way fate had planned for them.

Obviously, neither of them tests positive. The Navy finally mandates it for everyone on base after a couple weeks.

[meimi-haneoka]

Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Chapter 74: Comments + JP-ENG translation differences

Here we are, welcome back everyone!! End of the month, time for another chapter leading us into this exciting finale for Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card!! I want to start this post with a little foreword before diving into the chapter itself and the eventual translation differences ✨ I just wanted to say that I write this post with a sense of pride but also with even more sense of responsability compared to the previous months. You've probably stumbled upon my recent report of the latest CLAMP Space, where the authors have talked about CCS Clear Card, and their support/blessing to "people addressing the translation differences in their monthly posts on their blog, because they felt uncomfortable about them". Although they never straight up gave names, I certainly feel like they were talking about blogs like mine. And so I'm humbled (and even a little nervous) to be able to keep doing this, since I've wondered multiple times if it was even proper for me to write these posts every month, as if I was leading a crusade against the official English translation. In fact, I'm not. And I hope that's clear enough. When the ENG translation respects the vibe and original intention coming out from sensei's words in the manga panels, like this time around, I always make sure to say positive things about it. But try to understand me, the irritation runs deep because these are years of translation differences accumulating and at times even changing the perception of the story. And then, you stumble upon English speaking fans on the internet who got the gist of the story wrong or disrespecting/failing to appreciate it because of such translation mistakes (we go from Sakura calling Syaoran "Li-kun" in one of the earliest volumes, to Kaito saying that he wanted to give magic to Akiho, wtf??). And I think it's such a pity. It's not fair. The fandom deserves to know what the script is trying to say with a meaning as closer as possible to the original one. I hope I'll be able to help in that regard, for what's in my possibility and with my limited skills, till Clear Card will be over. ✨

OKAY, now let's cut the chatter and see what happened in this chapter!! I'm happy to say that this time around, translation-wise, we don't have anything impairing the correct understanding of the plot, just nuances! As usual, before starting, we can't skip the gif of the month!!

The Color Page

Oh my gosh! Sakura! You look amazing here!!! Such a fierce stare!! She looks just like a powerful and respected magician and OMG THEY GAVE HER A BLACK OUTFIT!! JUST LIKE I'VE BEEN ASKING EVER SINCE THE BEGINNING! I don't know, maybe the veteran followers of this blog can remember, but I've always wished to see Sakura in a black costume/dress in Clear Card 😊 She looks stunning...and what's more, she's once again with the gears and clocks decorations, just like in the period of the Clockland play. But, heheh, this time the clock looks different. The big clocks that were featured during the Clockland chapters (with Sakura + Syaoran, Akiho and lastly Kaito) were often "strange". They all had the same design, the one with SyaoSaku was "regular", but the ones next to Akiho and Kaito had their numbers either in messed up order, or straight up wrong (what kind of clock got '0' as the only number?). I had already assumed by then that they had a significance we had to decode along the development of the finale. This one in this color page, however, really looks like the most classical clock with roman numerals. The order of the numbers and their position seems correct. So could this be a sign that Sakura is about to restore order into this mess that Kaito's desperate wish created? The text on the JP version is the classic incantation to release the Dream staff from the key (we haven't heard it in a looooong time because she manifests her staff immediately, by now!) I also want to point out that we *still* don't have any announcement of "Clear Card ending in next chapter" or "Clear Card ends in 2 chapters!" like it's custom in these serializations, so I can say with confidence that Sakura won't surely be over in chapter 75 (at the beginning of July) but probably not even in chapter 76 (at the beginning of August). Are they aiming at chapter 77 (beginning of September)? Double 7, it's a lucky number for CLAMP ✨ For those worried about "3 chapters aren't enough to finish this!!", please consider that it's not so much about the number of chapters, but the amount of pages. This chapter for example is already longer than usual, 35 pages. That's what really matters, and we could get even an epilogue or some additional pages in the volume version! And now onto to the actual chapter!

An Important Discussion

Yukito, Nakuru and Touya are leisurely spending time at Yukito's home, with a funny scene of Yukito feeding some mikan to Nakuru (and she seems delighted by the cozyness of Japanese kotatsu!). Suddenly, Touya announces that Sakura is coming over. Yukito worries about how it's getting dark and that maybe it'd be better to go pick her up along the way, but a grumpy Touya says there's no need for that: along with Sakura are also coming Syaoran, Akiho and even Tomoyo. Yukito and Nakuru can't help but being surprised, and Nakuru wonders "The all-stars are coming? What's going on?" 😂 I found so hilarious the use of the term "all-stars", which in Japanese usually indicates a whole cast of a performance composed of famous actors, and sometimes it's applied to sports team too. But the room temperature drops immediately when Yukito looks at Touya, with a very pensive face, and it's immediately clear that something serious happened and Sakura is coming to discuss that. Touya might not know exactly what, but as we can see, he's already got a feeling.

Sakura and the kids arrive, apologizing for coming so suddenly, and they sit down, all with very serious faces (save for Tomoyo. Tomoyo never loses her calm composure 😆). Sakura starts dropping the bomb immediately: "I want to talk to you about something very weird" and "I want everyone who knows about the Cards and magic to hear this". Sakura is dead serious, and she informs Syaoran (sitting at her left side) that she's just told everything to Akiho shortly ago. She also tells Kero and Suppy to come out of her purse, for the second time (since the first was halted by the rewriting of the forbidden magic) putting an end to the farce of Kero constantly needing to act like a plushie in front of Touya!! Remember when the fandom used to point out that it was weird that Kero kept hiding from Touya, despite saying himself at the end of the Sakura Card Arc (after Touya gave his powers to Yue/Yukito) that he was perfectly aware that Touya knew everything about them? That really felt like a "plot hole" (maybe at this point the only REAL plot hole) for the longest time, and I am honest when I say that I had already given up hoping to see an explanation for it, wanting to treat it like a "glitch" in the narrative and using suspension of disbelief to overcome it! Well well well, CLAMP surprised me again! Cause in this chapter they actually tried to give an explanation to that "discrepancy"! And of course, being this about Kero, the explanation is rather silly (confession - I didn't understand Kero's reasoning very well, but I'll give my interpretation of what he said): Kero saw that even after that event, Touya didn't try to interact with him and thought that maybe he didn't consider him a cute and gorgeous magical creature, but rather something else....(was he butt-hurt?) Suppy of course is spitting fire cause why the heck did we need to keep pretending to be plushies?? and Kero's reply is "Because I thought it'd be fun pretending to be plushies together when you came over!". Now, if you remember how difficult and taxing it was for Suppy to force himself to stay still, you can understand why he's so mad! 😂 Touya says, quite annoyed, that he simply didn't try to interact with him because he thought that Kero was getting a kick out of acting like a plushie! I feel like sensei have quite reached and almost broke the 4th wall with this scene, because Sakura here says something that I'm pretty sure many of us have thought in regard to this "discrepancy": "I did wonder at some point why you kept that up despite I was telling you multiple times that I had the feeling my brother was onto you". And it's true, we've seen that in volume 4! Well, to me it felt like a stretch, but eventually we got an explanation for that situation so I guess it's better to leave it behind us! 😂

Cause we have more important matters at hand. Sakura places her phone on the table, showing Eriol & Kaho in videocall!! NOW all the "stars" of this show are present! 😂 So Sakura starts her recount of the most recent events, saying "It's really weird...but I swear it happened". After everyone listened to Sakura, of course they're all surprised. Nakuru wonders if there's any magician who can really have the power to "rewrite" a world...Eriol says that as far as he's heard, there isn't any magician among the living ones who has that degree of power. However, if said magician had access to a "medium" able to use the "forbidden magic", then it's another story. And that's the Book Sakura told them about. Sakura confirms that the one who told her all of this is the Guardian of the book herself. And then, to Akiho: "The plushie shaped like a bunny that you cherished so much was the temporary form of that Guardian. You named her 'Momo' ". Here I have to point out that the way the ENG translated it infers that Akiho remembers about Momo ("You know that stuffed bunny you loved so much?"), but actually in the JP version it's mostly Sakura informing Akiho that she used to cherish a bunny-shaped plushie, cause Akiho has no recollection of it. In fact, right after, she answers "But that's the title of a book I really love so much!". THERE IT IS! I've mentioned this many times in my social media accounts, and even lately in my "literary references" post here on Tumblr, but it turns out this simple answer by Akiho kinda confirms that she might really have named Momo after that book. And it's not only a beloved book because of its story, but also the one she was reading when she met Kaito for the first time. I've always thought that having her most beloved plushie named that way, and having precisely that book when they met for the first time couldn't have been unrelated. So I'm really happy for this scene here and I hope it'll get eventually confirmed better later.

Sakura takes Akiho's hands (she'll do that a lot this chapter and I simply love it) and reassures her about something that I was SURE she was going to say:

JP: "The fact that we became twins is an effect of the rewritten (world), but the fact that you are an important person to me didn't change at all, Akiho-chan"

I've preferred putting the JP version here because once again we have the usual stuff that I complain about lately: Sakura in JP used ���切なひと (important person) to describe her relationship with Akiho, and this is absolutely coherent with all the previous times. In ENG they used "you're special to me", but the adjective "special" in Japanese (特別な) in relation to a person has been consistently used in the latest chapters to describe the person Sakura is in love with (and not only Sakura). So they shouldn't have used that adjective in particular. They should stick to the literal translation. Especially cause that "special person" will come up in a few pages. I know I sound pedantic with this separation between "important person" and "special person", but I mean, CLAMP sensei are consistently keeping that distinction so I'm convinced the translation should do its best to keep it, because it's a guide to lead the readers among the relationships of CCS. Which sometimes can be quite complex.

Touya teases Sakura again with the sis-con joke, and Yukito teases him back by saying "Are you talking about yourself now?" (I love how Yukito always teases the big and grumpy Touya 😂they're really made for eachother). Tomoyo comments that it's been "a sight for sore eyes" (the term used in JP is 眼福, ganpu, and it's used when you see something precious) to see Sakura in the role of the big sister and Akiho in the one of the little sister. Akiho is moved by the fact that, despite everyone knowing the truth now, nobody shunned her or rejected her presence, and exactly like I imagined, I'm 100% sure Sakura will keep thinking about her as a sister (not a blood-related sister maybe, but surely with the same importance of one) even after everything will be solved later. Cause the bond between her and Akiho was never a fabricated thing, but always been genuine from day 1. Even if they got close in such a short period of time, it's just what happens normally in real life too. Sometimes you bond very tightly with people over a short period of time, cause you feel you're so compatible.

So Sakura continues. She says that for this reason, she wants to bring (someone) back. She's convinced that what the Record Card showed to her is not everything. She feels like there is someone who is missing from both what the Record Card had shown to her and from this rewritten world as well. Syaoran is confused, "they're missing, and yet you're sure they're there?". Sakura understands that confusion and says "It's weird, right? I can't really explain how I know it, but I just do." And then, towards Akiho: "That person....is your special person, Akiho-chan". There it is, the infamous "special person" again. It's clear what Sakura is meaning here. "This is the person you're in love with, Akiho-chan". Of course Akiho's face cannot be any other than a dismayed one at hearing that. And then the pain comes, all at once, piercing her heart and leaving her speechless. Sakura says that the Record Card wasn't showing anyone with Akiho in one of the scenes, and yet she saw her extremely happy. That was enough for Sakura to know that someone was indeed there with Akiho.

I'm Always Searching For Someone

We're shown one of the most important scenes for anyone liking Akiho and Kaito (and their bond), the night that Akiho was so brave to confess her feelings to him through a covert (and very local) way, claiming that "the moon is really beautiful". And in the same occasion he accepted to spend some time strolling and talking to her. It was clear from the moment that scene happened that it would've become important later. And the readers who know what happened and what we lost are feeling probably the same pain Akiho is feeling right now, only that she's unaware of what is causing it. Akiho says "I'm really happy to live with you, Sakura, and everyone in the Kinomoto household, but...I've been in pain. Because I'm always looking for someone who's not there...". So Akiho did feel the effects of that void. The void that only your most important person can leave when they're gone. It's just that, we've seen her being so happy with her "new" family, and yet exactly like most of the fandom imagined, that didn't really work to fill the void Kaito left. It's impossible to fill that void because that person is just irreplaceable. This scene of course stabbed my heart but I had imagined that we would've seen it sooner or later. Sakura gets more confident with the confession of what Akiho's been feeling, and tells her that she thinks the one she didn't want to lose and the one who rewrote their world are the same person. "So I'm going to bring them back". Sakura announces with a smile, but Kero just wonders in dismay how she's going to do that. Sakura believes that the pocket watch in Akiho's possession will show her how. As if on cue, Akiho takes it out of her purse and places it on the table in front of Sakura's phone, where Eriol and Kaho can see it. They recognize it's a magical artifact specialized in time magic, but they also recognize that in order for a magician to be able to use it, they would need to have a tremendous amount of magical powers. Akiho suddenly panics. It dawns on her. I think the mental connection she's made is "if Sakura wants to use this to bring my special person back, she would need to achieve an amount of magical powers that could put her in harm's way". Aside, of course, from all the other dangers that a "mission" like that could pose to our heroine. And of course she'd never be okay with that. But Sakura reassures her. "You aren't making me. I want to." Sakura explains that both when she was dealing with the Clow Cards (and we see a scene of the Final Judgement, the one where Kaho gives her the Moon Bell) and when she was transforming them into her own Cards (they show us a scene from the last battle with Eriol), she was able to overcome her troubles thanks to all of the people who loved her and cared about her.

Sakura, JP: "Therefore I want to do what I can for my important person, too"

Again the use of 大切なひと (important person) in relation to Akiho. I think this panel in particular is pretty important (and the big font indeed suggests so). I feel like it's the core, the heart of Clear Card Arc. Sakura, whom until now was accustomed to be cherished and pampered in a protected environment by her loved ones, is starting to take the first steps towards self-assertiveness and maturity. Sometimes those loved ones would overdo it with the loving, and ended up depriving her of her own agency. Sakura is finding herself, she's starting to trust her instincts and capabilities more and more, and that leads inevitably to a question: "what do I want to do with these gifts life gave me and blessed me with? What can I do to give back to the Universe all this love I'm receiving?" Searching for her self-identity will inevitably make her step out of her comfort zone. She'll take risks. Even on herself. She'll need to assess situations, make decisions. And here she decided that she wants to use her natural gift (her magical powers) to help someone in need. Someone important to her. Someone dear who lost someone irreplaceable and lacks the means to bring him back. Sakura decides to step in, help her "sister", doing exactly what she herself told her during last chapter: if I happen to be good at something that you can't do, I'll help you out. That's the beauty of being all unique and different.

I've seen people often wondering what's the purpose of Clear Card Arc, if we really needed to this arc and such. Well, to me the answer was made manifest in this chapter. 🙂

But back to our story, Tomoyo understands that moment has finally come, so she says that maybe she can't use magic, but she felt it was best to bring along with her a certain big bag (that we all know what contains, right??). She also says that she had the feeling she had made an asymmetrical costume before, but when she went to check, she realized she hadn't made it yet...

Listen to me well, because this is the solution to the mystery of the cryptical thing Ohkawa sensei said in relation to one of Sakura's costumes, during the latest CLAMP Space! Basically, she hinted that there was a reason why we hadn't seen Sakura wearing officially (for a Card battle) this costume yet, and that we would find out why soon. I know the ENG translation here talks about "complementary outfits" (referring probably to how Tomoyo will later reveal complementary outfits for both Sakura and Syaoran), but that only shows that they misunderstood the word アシンメトリー (lit. Asymmetry). Tomoyo here was literally talking about asymmetry because the "costume she thought she had made, but didn't find in the end" was precisely the one Ohkawa was hinting at during the latest Space, the one Sakura was trying on in chapter 36 and 37! Tomoyo had a sense of deja vu, about having made an asymmetrical outfit before, but actually couldn't find it because...well, the forbidden magic had removed any reference to the Clear Cards! (including, apparently, the costumes!) So that goes to show that Tomoyo, despite not having a crumble of magic, was also subjected to the deja vu and weird feelings of "discrepancy" that such rewriting of the world would cause. But hold on tight, cause another reference is on the way!

Tomoyo continues saying that while she was sewing the sleeve of the outfit, she had the strong feeling that this costume would turn into a very special one. And what do we have here? OH YES, it's THAT sleeve, the one we've been waiting for so eagerly! The one that Sakura saw in a dream with MCF once! Sakura back then asked to MCF if they would meet outside the dream when she'd be wearing that outfit, and MCF only cryptically said that it would be "the beginning of the end". Considering now we know that MCF has been mostly a byproduct of Lilie trying to communicate with Sakura and inadvertently messing things up, I do wonder about that MCF. Was Sakura, by any chance, actually was supposed to see Kaito and she saw the robe instead, because of Lilie? Or is that an actual member of Akiho's clan? Only this finale can tell us the truth. Sakura will certainly meet someone, with that costume.

Sakura thanks Tomoyo, always so ready to show her support, and she does something very sweet, as a result of regaining all of her rewritten memories: she tells Tomoyo that she'll do her best to come back without getting the costume dirty, but if it eventually starts fraying, she knows that Tomoyo will be there to repair it.....yeah....doesn't it remind you of something?? Of course I bet any Tomoyo fan knows very well what scene Sakura is referencing with this line....

When Sakura told Tomoyo she repaired her torn costume with the Repair Card in chapter 40, Tomoyo expressed the wish to be her the one repairing those costumes, with her own hands. Because she had created them specifically for Sakura, so she would also want to be the one to repair them in case they'd get damaged. Basically telling her "I made these with all my love for you, and I'd prefer that a Card didn't take my place even when needing to repair them. I want the costumes that you wear to be made completely by my own hands". Always reminding us that making something with your own hands for your loved one is the greatest proof of love for any character in CCS (which is something I find truly wholesome and beautiful). Sakura here shows to have understood and accepted that wish fully, therefore acknowledging Tomoyo and her feelings. Tomoyo is uncharacteristically surprised for a second, and then with the happiest smile she confirms that of course she'll be there to repair it!

Sakura looks at her brother Touya, who only grumpily tells her to respect the curfew. Sakura is confused because they never had a curfew time at home, but her brother replies "Come back before dad gets worried. That's our curfew". (in ENG there's an additional part here, I guess to fill in a bubble that would be left empty) Sakura confidently replies "Got it".

Nakuru is all giddy, excitedly announcing that they decided to go to war and they need to decide the formation!! Suppy mocks her, telling her she's talking as if she were playing one of her warring states games (in JP the term used here is 戦国ゲーム - sengoku game - and I've found there's a specific game called indeed Sengoku, but it seems the same term extended to indicate all the war games set in the Sengoku era), but that doesn't deter Nakuru, who says that if she gets chosen, she will certainly participate actively (here the ENG uses game language from what I can see - not an expert - but good job!)!!

Sakura's plan is different, though. She says that tonight she'll be going only with Syaoran. She knows that if everyone could go with her, she'd feel more confident and reassured, but...

Sakura, JP: "If I want to find Akiho-chan's most important person, I have the feeling that it'd be better for me to go with my most important person"

Here we go. We temporarily leave aside the "special person" terminology to go back to the more famous and loved "my most important person" term, to indicate THE ONE person someone loves the most. 一番大切なひと (ichiban taisetsuna hito). The term we all learned because it's been so crucial to indicate the person someone was in love with during the old arcs of the story. The term Sakura eventually used for Syaoran at the end of CCS volume 12 to finally give a "definition" to the love she felt for him. Now she uses it to define Akiho's feelings for Kaito. This is "the" term that takes precedence over all the other terminology used, and also goes to show how important and solemn the moment is. Sakura's intuition tells her that in order to find Kaito, Akiho's most important person, she should go with Syaoran, her own most important person. This is probably because her magical intuition (let's remember that Sakura got the power to see the future) grasped that her bond with Syaoran will be absolutely pivotal in order to have a positive outcome for the mission they're about to embark on. They will probably have to put that bond at work....maybe to explain, show, help someone understanding something that he still doesn't seem to grasp perfectly? Or rather, a stubborn refusal to understand it, which caused them all to be in this situation they're in right now? What's for sure is that if Sakura and Syaoran manage to find Kaito, and if they'll also manage to free him from the Seal of D. + the artifact with all the magical books that Akiho had engraved in herself, their job won't certainly be over like that. Kaito needs to talk to someone. He needs to understand many, many things. Some of those things, Sakura and Syaoran can at least try to introduce them to him. Because while it's true that Sakura wants to bring him back for Akiho, she also needs to make sure that coming back is also Kaito's wish. Because they can't force him if he isn't 100% convinced himself. I'm sure this is a very important thematic for CLAMP, respecting someone's self-determination. And since his state of mind, last time we saw him, was that he was perfectly expendable and that he was absolutely not necessary in Akiho's life, they need to change that perception. And there's also the fact that, despite being so different, Kaito and Syaoran are pretty similar in several aspects too. So maybe the role Syaoran can have in "communicating" with Kaito could be very important and impactful. Maybe that's what Sakura's intuition was trying to tell her.

Here, the ENG translation decided to translate that "most important person" with "favorite person". I have definitely turned up my nose at seeing that (why not leaving the iconic term?) but in the end I decided to relax because, at the end of the day, the result is similar. It indicates a person for whom your preference and importance is above everyone else. What really *mattered* in this scene - and lo and behold, it seems ONLY the English and Portuguese versions got it right (let me know about the Chinese one, cause I can't read that one) - is that Sakura used the same term to describe what Akiho feels for Kaito, and what SHE feels for Syaoran. "I am aware that this missing person is for Akiho an existence of the same importance Syaoran-kun has for me. Therefore, I will do everything in my power to bring them back, because I fully understand that kind of bond and I understand the void they leave in your life when they're not there" She knows, to some degree, what it feels like to miss your most beloved person, due to the period she had to spend apart from Syaoran. And they could still have phone calls and writing letters. Akiho's situation can only be worse. Sakura's understanding of that bond is also what causes her intuition to suggest her to go only with Syaoran. It's all connected. So it's of utmost importance that the translations use the same term when both talking about Akiho and Sakura. Then, about this scene, we could also say that it was a beautiful demonstration of how much Sakura (but also Syaoran) has grown up, now fully confident to declare in front of everyone that Syaoran is THE most important person in her life. Without blushing and without any drama. It's just a fact. After all they've been through, I think Sakura can feel confident enough in her relatinship with Syaoran, and there's no shame nor embarrassment in stating that aloud.

The people present here can only accept and show their support, and Eriol encourages Sakura to follow her intuition (remember the whole discussion about listening to the stirring of your heart, the so-called intuition? Yeah, a great lesson from Mama Yelan which will also be applied to another character soon). Sakura tells Kero that if she needs him, she will certainly call, and the guardian beast reassures her that he'll certainly hear his master's voice, same for Yue.

Then, lastly, Sakura takes Akiho's hands and holds them tightly. They share another sweet forehead touch (seriously, I love them so much ❤️). Akiho is worried, so worried, but also very resolute. She wants this as much as Sakura does. Sakura tells her that there'll surely be a moment when she'll request Akiho to do something only she can do, and asks her to please wait here with everyone till that time comes.

I'll admit it, I was really disappointed when I've read this scene the first time around. Not only because I had imagined all kinds of scenes in my head (included Akiho wearing one of Tomoyo's costumes) and they shattered that possibility (but oh well, I am prepared to that), but also because I feel like this isn't a good choice from a character development POV. I understand it, I really understand it, this is Sakura's story. She's the one who gets to shine in the finale. And we've talked about it before, there's no doubt that Sakura in this story goes through a journey to find her identity and what she wants to do. So now it's time to let her do that. But Akiho has been slandered for the whole manga, accused of all kind of things because of prejudice, and one of those was "she's weak and passive, she does nothing". Seeing her "on the sidelines" once again, when we're talking about rescuing her most important person, feels extremely off. Letting someone else do "the job for her" doesn't even feel like Akiho.

Then, as hours passed by, I thought...

Maybe Sakura wants to take care of the first part of the mission, because it'll certainly be the one where it's most likely to encounter some magical danger (dragon-chan???). And Akiho wouldn't be able to defend herself from that, devoid of magical powers as she is. She could potentially end up risking her own life. And then all of this would've been for nothing. And then I thought, wait, maybe Akiho knows that. She knows it very well, since she's a girl with a pretty good understanding of herself and her own limits. And this is certainly a limit she does have. So what she can do is to wait safely at home, as hard and painful as it can be, for the REAL, big moment when her presence will be absolutely necessary. Sakura said it with great confidence so it's 100% sure it will come. Therefore, as an Akiho fan, I will swallow this pill and wait together with her. 🫤

But the chapter isn't over yet, as Touya and Yukito go outside in the garden while Sakura and Syaoran get dressed for their departure! Yukito teases once again Touya, telling him that his face is scary and that Sakura's earlier statement ("most important person") must have caused him "damage" (still seemingly talking in game language). Touya of course doesn't reply, so Yukito continues, giving finally confirmation to the suspicion I've been having ever since this "rewritten world" started: Touya did notice something was off. He didn't know precisely what, but he knew it had something to do with Sakura. Yukito also gives us the opportunity to see just how kind and generous Touya is: he purposely didn't go back home often because he wanted to reduce his presence around Akiho as much as possible. Not because of negative feelings, quite the contrary: he was worried she'd get even more hurt if she established a bond with him, only to end up finding out that they weren't really brother and sister. (Meanwhile, we see a very cute panel of Akiho talking to Kero, Suppy and still in videocall with Eriol and Kaho!) And then, to follow the leit-motiv of this chapter, very centered on calling back stuff that had already happened in the original world, Touya says that he won't allow anyone to hurt his close ones (they used "family" in ENG, but the word 身内 can indicate also friends and such, the common characteristic is that they're very close). Got the feeling you've already heard these words, especially with the use of the word 身内 ? Yes, of course, it's vaguely the same threat he made to Kaito back in chapter 54, during the double date! 😂 Hmmmm, I have the feeling that if they manage to bring Kaito back (of course they will!), someone will want to have a word or two with him....let's hope he'll just stick to words! 😂 Jokes aside, it's very heartwarming to see how even Touya warmed up to Akiho, and took her under his protective big brother's wing! In fact, Yukito can't just miss the new opportunity to tease him (stop flirting so shamelessly in front of us, Yuki! 😂), telling him he's so overprotective for his sisters!!

The two lovebirds have finished changing their clothes, and we're all left staring at them agape, together with Nakuru: they look stunning, in their complementary outfits!! Sakura even got heels ❤️ And yes, dear readers, as already hinted when Tomoyo was speaking, this is IT, THE costume with THAT sleeve that appeared in Sakura's dream! It is the biggest indication that it's finally time for the last confrontation. Both Sakura and Syaoran look so resolute and ready to make a mess of space and time to bring Kaito back!! 😂 As many have noticed, Sakura got her Dream Staff with her, despite the Clear Cards have disappeared: my theory is that the Key was never removed by the forbidden magic, only the Cards, or maybe that the key came out now that Sakura got her memories back.

And this is where the chapter ends, with another huge cliffhanger!! Will we see Kaito, next time? Being a chapter number ending in -5, and being in the very last volume, I expect big things from it! Chapter 75 will be published on CLAMP's Youtube channel on July 1st, while the relative Nakayoshi magazine will be released on July 3rd (by the way, we'll have Sakura ONCE AGAIN on the cover and ANOTHER Sakura furoku!!). As usual, when I have less translation mistakes to talk about and more space for my feelings towards the chapter, I go overboard! Another freaking long post 😂😂 So I'll just leave you here, as usual I'll wait for your asks in my inbox! Bye Bye!!

[tedshell]

ihnmaims lgbt headcanons for pride month !!

big post! most of these are not to be taken literally, but i'm very passionate about ted. i love ted, he's my boyfriend. i know him personally, do not play w me /j

this is all pre-AM by the way! it's talked about as such, so don't get confused!

TED !

arospec. gay, transmasculine! he/him pronouns.

deals with the craziest internalized homophobia that plays into his gender identity. due to the fact he identifies as a male, he feels that he *needs* to be into woman, and constantly tricks himself into believing he's attracted to them.

it's created a messy image of how he views his own romantic feelings, and often believes love or crushes isn't real because he doesn't allow himself to indulge in his more... homoerotic feelings.

he's pretty chill about his gender identity, though takes major offense if you make comments about the possibility of him being a girl.

GORRISTER !

bisexual, cisgender male. he/him pronouns

gorrister really doesn't care, but he has a strong attraction towards women. if you met him, you'd probably assume he's straight. you'd find out he's bisexual by him making some off comment about finding a guy hot, but it's never brought up again.

homophobic on the downlow, but it's okay. he gets a pass.

NIMDOK !

aroace. bisexual, non-binary. he/they/she pronouns (do not have game nimdok in mind).

genuinely doesn't care for romance or sex, it's not something he ever really considered. they've had moment of attraction, though it's super rare and far. he's had one or two boyfriends and a couple of girlfriends, but nothing serious or long-lasting.

along wit that, nimdok is not someone who cares for how he's perceived. if you considered him a cisgender female? that's the least of her worries. they still choose to present masculine, and forever will but at the end up the day, her gender identity is nothing he cares about.

ELLEN !

acespec. lesbian, cisgender female. she/they pronouns.

after experiencing what she did, her idea of sexual attraction was shifted horribly. she despises their sexual feelings and becomes distressed over them. they are not one hundred percent opposed to the idea of sex or sexual acts, but feel as if the only way she'll ever be at that point is when she's with "the one".

ellen is a lesbian, she's never felt attraction towards men though she has experimented with the idea on multiple occasions due to her own self doubt. she's quite open about their identity and is unashamed of her label as a lesbian.

BENNY !

gay, transgender male (+rabies pride). he/him pronouns.

benny is someone who is incredibly open about his attraction. he does not feel ashamed of who he is and takes great pride in being gay, he's been open about his past boyfriends and openly flirts with men. he's just incredibly proud of his identity, good for him!

he hates being transgender though. benny struggles deeply with internalizes transphobia, and often believes he'll never find a long-lasting boyfriend because of his gender identity. his gender has created doubts in his mind on who he is and who he will be in the near future.

rabies pride, because he's been treated like an animal all his life due to him being neurodivergent and transgender (get it, because he's an ape..).

[tiger-moran]

Please shut up about how we have to separate asexual and aromantic, please shut up about how they're 'totally separate identities that need to be acknowledged as separate and need separate representation!'

For SOME people they're separate, SOME. Not all. Some people are both and they are separate for them. Some people are one and not the other. Those are all great and valid ways to experience attraction (or its lack) and yes absolutely we need more representation for all aspec identities! But not everyone fits under those! Nor are we going to see ourselves represented in characters where the identities are clearly separated.

But this is the constant message that I'm seeing, that they're separate, that they have to be treated as separate, that they basically don't overlap even for people who are both, and also that not only the attraction but the experiences we have because of those identities don't even have any real overlap or similarities, and I'm sick to death of it. I'm sick of practically every single 'aspec positivity' blog or post making it sound as if I HAVE to separate them when I can't. I'm sick of it being made out I'm 'using labels wrong' or that I'm 'experiencing attraction wrong'. I never see any real acknowledgement of people who are both and can't separate them, I never see any acknowledgement any more of people who are asexual meaning both because the SAM does not apply to us and also we don't see why asexual unlike pretty much every other orientation HAS to be assumed to be neatly and clearly split and actually some of us are pretty resentful both that a split has basically been forced on every aspec person now and also that if ever we try to assert that we're asexual meaning both our aromanticism gets erased and we're just assumed to be alloromantic or we get treated like 'fake aromantics' who aren't really aromantic at all and only actually care about our lack of sexual attraction (and I do wonder if a similar thing happens to those who also don't use the SAM but call themselves just aromantic). Even that aroace flag which I don't even like anyway but that was supposed to sort of represent people like me who can't separate our asexuality from our aromanticism still gets used by people who insist basically I've got to see asexual and aromantic as separate identities. I've had to block so many blogs for doing this (because actually, I hate confrontation, I hate arguing, I don't want to confront people over this so I'd rather just block them so I don't have to see it any more) - because they keep posting content, even so called 'positivity', that is basically just erasing and excluding people like me from what are meant to be my own communities and they really do just make me feel like shit over something I've never felt like shit about ever before until this insistence on using the SAM and neatly and clearly splitting up the identities started to happen. (And yes I'm also sick of this overall sense that people are trying to shove everyone in the queer community into all these totally separate boxes and act like there's no overlap between the identities and/or the experiences of any of them. I still think this insistence on a neat and precise ace/aro split is symptomatic of a wider issue.)

I'm not even saying that asexuality and aromanticism can never possibly be experienced separately or never have separate experiences or issues sometimes even for people like me, but there is just no point where my asexuality clearly and neatly splits from my aromanticism, there is no clear divide between my lack of sexual attraction and lack of romantic attraction. But it's like... just fuck everyone who's both asexual and aromantic and can't neatly separate them I guess. That's the message I've been getting for many years now (and it gets even worse every time Pride Month comes around).

I'm sorry for sounding angry about this and repeating myself about this too but the reality of this is it's shoved people like me out, it's left us nowhere we feel like we belong. And sorry too but I was IDing as asexual meaning both before a lot of the people doing this, insisting they have to be viewed as separate, were probably even born, so I am pretty annoyed that it got to this stage when basically everyone started acting like we're not allowed to do that and that you have to use these neatly split terms instead. (Also this is in addition to there being rather too much actual genuine negativity - not simply repulsion towards the idea of having sex themselves but actual real negativity - towards not just sex but people who have sex coming from some asexual people, which is both unpleasant and also alienating to a lot of aspecs, or the proliferation of ideas like 'aces love cuddling' which are treated like the singular asexual experience when they also don't apply to many of us. Plus the general ignoring of/erasure of older asexual people as well. A lot of the time it does feel too like the aspec community or communities forgets anyone over the age of about 25 or so even exists in them.)

I'm just so tired of this.

[yallemagne]

Queer.

Every so often, the same fucking post roles up on my dash. And since it's Pride Month? You know what it's about.

Now, I will be frank, any time I see someone crying "you can't use queer for yourself because I don't want to be called a slur!!!" I do roll my eyes, though that doesn't mean I don't understand the concept.

When I didn't even know who I was, I had plenty of terms thrown at me that didn't fit. People didn't know what to call me so usually they just called me gay. I didn't like being called gay because it wasn't who I was. Gay implied something about both my gender and my sexuality that wasn't true... but I didn't know the truth yet. I could hardly correct people.

Eventually, I figured out that my ambivalence to either gender didn't mean I was bi without a preference but that I was asexual. I explained this to people who would try to categorize me as gay, "No, actually, I'm asexual.", and I would then explain the concept of asexuality. This led to sexual harassment. Getting dressed in the locker room and being told what sexual positions people imagined me in and with whom. Being made to feel like I was the pervert in those situations.

And now saying I'm ace still gets a similar response just from what I hope is a more well-meaning crowd.

"Well, ace people can have sex/want to have sex. Are you sure you're not demi/greyace? You've never even tried sex, so you don't know." Congrats for vaguely understanding the concept of a spectrum. I personally use the dictionary definition of asexual, so I do not partake in sex nor desire to.

"Well, ace people can date/want to date. You have to say ace/aro or I'll just assume you're heteroromantic." No, because for me, unless explicitly stated otherwise, asexual and aromantic are a package deal. You wouldn't demand this same clarification from someone of any other sexuality.

It's a frustrating situation where even when I am clear and using a community-approved label for myself, I am still sexualized and pressured into seeking a relationship, and it puts me back into the mind of the kid who was bullied in the locker room. That doesn't mean that ace people on the opposite side of the spectrum or with different romantic attractions are my enemy. It just means we're different, and it's lovely that we're different, and the people who attempt to weaponize the speculative chance that an ace person might be down to fuck in order to pressure that person into sex are the real assholes.

I didn't know I was trans for the longest time because gender-nonconforming trans people were paraded around as freaks and the gender-conforming ones were just barely safe from scrutiny so long as they weren't associating with those people. But I eventually figured out that I'm genderqueer. I tend to say trans-masc nonbinary, but a more encompassing label might be genderqueer, and I drop the "gender" part and say queer because it embodies my gender identity and sexuality paired together, not separated into neat little boxes.

From my own queer perspective, the frustration with being told not to use the word queer is that we either have to pick from the four most recognizable labels (lesbian, gay, bi, and trans), dip into the bargain bin of obscure and often unaccepted labels, or make up something new. We're often told that we don't fit into the big four categories, that we are a disgrace to those. Obscure labels constantly have to be explained, and people turn their noses up upon hearing them. And making up a new label always has the risk of it being swept from under us and us being told by our more "acceptable" counterparts: "Your identity offends. Change it."

People saw my gender presentation and lack of interest in dating and picked words they already knew to describe me, and since those words didn't fit me, I felt even more isolated in a time when I needed support. I got my hair cut in middle school, and it was like I was finally moving in the right direction. My friend saw and the first thing she did was laugh at me, calling me a dyke. That does not give me the right to tell dykes "Hey! That word hurt me! You have to use the softer word "lesbian" instead." Besides, it wasn't the word, it was the intent of the person who threw it at me.

No one reclaiming the word queer is using it as a slur, but we are villified and told "That word hurt me! Use a softer word!" And I have to ask: is it really any one of you non-queer-identifying individuals' business? You see someone in the process of loving themselves and finding themselves in a diverse community, and you want to shatter that because you were hurt before? That's villain origin story shit. You want to poison the well because if people are allowed to call themselves queer more people will know the word queer and think it's okay to say and randos will think that you are queer and use queer to describe you when you're actually lesbian, gay, bi, trans, whatever label you prefer. But just because someone might misidentify you doesn't mean other identities need to be pushed back into the closet.

And of course, some are upset because people say Queer Community and it's called Queer History rather than being separated out into Gay History, Lesbian History, Bisexual History, Trans History--- but dude? You can still say LGBT or LGBTQ or LGBTQIA+ (though, if you hate the word queer, I guess you'd only accept the first acronym?) when referring to the community, and people will NEVER stop using the acronym. You aren't being run out by us scary queer people with our nasty labels, YOURS STILL EXIST AND YOU ARE STILL FREE TO LABEL YOURSELF AS YOU PLEASE. Does that mean no one will ever unknowingly group you in as queer when you're not comfortable with it? No. But... I'm sorry... but fucking suck it up.

You aren't queer? Okay, yeah, I accept that. I am queer. That doesn't make you a good person and me a bad person or vice versa.