#I don't even think there's that many whales left anyway

[phoenotopia]

Star Iliad DevLog # 02: The Importance of Pacing

When it comes to making commercial video games, let's just say it's not our first rodeo 😎

(It's our second)

Steam automatically compiles various play data from gamers. From Phoenotopia, I know that we have a roughly even split of keyboard users and gamepad users. From achievements, I can tell which bosses were defeated and how far the player got (although our implementation of achievements requires the user manually unlock it, so it's less useful data). Today, I want to focus on one specific data point—the median playtime for Phoenotopia.

Unfortunately, the median playtime clocks in at 4 hours.

I think that's right when the player reaches Atai.

(Atai - the death place of so many playthroughs)

A working theory has been forming:

Atai is the first real "slog" where players are stuck in one place for a long time. It’s a big town with 70+ NPCs to chat with. It’s easy to get lost, feel like you're not making progress, and then tap out.

Two major quest lines must be completed before reaching the second dungeon: getting the bombs and getting the flute.

Get BOMBS

Meet Lisa and learn of her plight

Find the bomb maker’s house—it's locked.

Tell Lisa you need to unlock a door.

Lisa refers you to Garnet, who gives you a “watch the kids” quest.

Play hide-and-seek with the kids.

Comb through the entire town looking for the kids

Go to the bomb maker's house and claim bombs

Get FLUTE

Meet Lisa and learn of her plight

Find the jailed Ouroboros man—he wants wine.

Go to the tavern—no ID, no wine.

Talk with Lisa and get her ID

Dye your hair to look like Lisa

Buy wine with fake ID

Go to the Ouroboros bandit and exchange it for the flute

Phew. Looking back, that is a LOT. And we don't even have a quest tracker >_>

I love romping through towns and chatting with NPCs—it’s my favorite part of JRPGs (the genre I’d be making if I weren’t making this). But maybe I let that influence the design a bit too much 🤔

During these quests, there’s very little action—unless players explore optional caves (which don’t quite scratch the itch). So after 1-2 hours of town questing, many players drop off. That’s why so many runs end at 4 hours. That's my theory anyway.

That brings us to today’s blog topic: PACING

Long story sequences should generally be avoided—it's a sign of poor pacing. If a long sequence can’t be trimmed down, it should at least be broken up with action. Think of it like making a burger—it needs balance.

(Atai is like the burger on the left—only meaty "story" sequences. A well-paced game is like the burger on the right — it utilizes crucial tomato and lettuce "action" set pieces to mix things up)

Now, one of our new core design goals for Star Iliad is that if you take any 90 minute slice of gameplay from anywhere in the game's campaign, you’ll experience all of the following:

Exploration

Combat

Puzzles

Boss Fight

New Upgrade

Story Progression

That's the core "game loop". Of course, to stay balanced presents its own challenges because we can only control so much. Players set their own pace, and some will inevitably get lost. As designers, we can mitigate this by packing the game with so much content that there's always something new around the corner - make getting lost fun!

(It's going to be a lot of work though...)

It does raise some challenging design questions. For example, how can you deliver "story" sequences when you're deep in the whale's intestines, far away from town?

Our answer is to employ something akin to Metal Gear Solid's codec calls. It's the future and people have "cell phones" (or holographic communicators in our case). You can call NPCs and they can call you (Players can also ignore calls if they'd prefer less story)

To conclude —pacing is important! No more hour+ long story sequences! Excepting a couple scenarios - say at a crucial turning point in the game. Long exposition dumps need to be earned. Pacing is something we’re going to be vigilant about through all of development.

(Steve Ballmer understands how important Pacing is)

Thanks for reading!

(Next update will be in two months, at May’s end)

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Hi maggots... I have to go out for an entrance exam in a half hour but here I am, stealing a while to talk to you all. I don't know, why are we always making time for the things that are important and using time for the things we have to do but always stealing time for what we want to do? What is wasting time, anyway? I don't know. I don't know much at all.

I made the mistake of playing a new song while typing this first bit. It's Birch, by Big Red Machine and Taylor Swift. Do new songs ever make you feel a bit nervous but excited, like you're experiencing some emotion for the first time and reading a book or watching a movie and you don't quite know how it will end and where it will take you on the way? It's not the kind of thing you do lightly. Well, I mean, it's not the kind of thing I can do lightly. I'll have to listen to it again, while I'm not here writing.

This counts, doesn't it, as writing? Why do I have to be writing my book or a poem or a song for it to be real writing? I'm putting words together and I'm putting them together for us, for you and me. God we make ourselves feel guilty with so many arbitrary definitions.

A familiar song is playing now, The Alcott by The National and Taylor Swift. I think their voices meld together beautiful, gritty and smooth. I think Swift is a skilled singer-songwriter, as well as a performer. I think a lot of things.

Why am I writing an entrance exam? Well, writing is an exaggeration, it'll involve sketching and maybe an interview. It's for an art school. The design school I got into, which I told you all about and was thinking of not doing, well, that got messy. They were... not very polite about a scholarship that they'd said they'd give. And I can't risk going to a situation like my last college. I don't wanna sully this post with it (how do I use words like wanna and sully next to each other, I really cannot pick a way to use this language) but well. It wasn't fun. I don't want to be an unfriendly/unsafe environment if I can help it.

Am I excited or nervous for the exam? Not really. Too many things have happened to leave any room for that. It's mainly resignation, a sort of oh, is this what's happening now? ok. That's sad. But I still care about things, I promise. Not the things I used to, like academics or grades or some abstract future. I care about you. I care about you so much. I think about you all the time. I care about my mum and my dog. About stickers and Good Omens and Sherlock Holmes and music and books.

It's a different kind of caring.

I have ten minutes left. I need to shower and pack my things in that time. I'm cutting it fine. Like a slice of whale. Some of you are confused by that. A lot of you are thinking Asmi, no, no, no. That makes me smirk. A fine slice of whalegina, loves.

I'll tell you all about it one day (hush, those of you still desperately thinking Asmi, no with a mixture of horror and fascination).

It's the sixth of May here. 2024, for those of you who've lost track of years. A Monday. Tomorrow is my twentieth birthday. So many things are happening in my life, not all of them good, but what's always good is you. It's us.

We're good. We're always good. I love you. So much.

I promise, maggots. We're more than friends, we're family. And to whoever it is reading this, maggot, even if we've never spoken, I care about you. Because you took the time to read this. You took the time to care. I care, too. I care about you.

I'll go shower now, in a bit of a rush, but smiling. Because of you. Because of all of you.

Love, Asmi

[i-heart-hxh]

Gon wakes up, and the transition from dream to reality confuses him. He sits up in bed for a moment, feeling cool air wash over his skin, and takes a deep breath. He tries to remember where he is exactly; space and time both seem a bit warped to him as the dream slowly ebbs out of focus.

"You okay?" A voice asks in a mumble next to him. "Another nightmare?"

Gon turns to the source of the voice, and touches the shoulder of the person next to him.

"What's up?" The voice says.

"Oh! I'm just glad it's you, Killua. I had a weird dream and got confused."

Killua sits up too with a quiet yawn, leaning his shoulder against Gon's. "What kind of dream?"

"Hmmm... It's a little hard to remember already. But in the dream, I guess I had a grandchild, because I had gotten married to Noko at some point many years before."

"Who's Noko, again? The name sounds familiar, but..."

"The only other kid on the island when I was younger. I think you met her once or twice when we were on Whale Island?"

"Oh yeah, I kinda remember that. Why would you have married her, of all people?" Killua sounds vaguely offended, which makes Gon chuckle a bit.

"I don't know! It was just a dream! Anyway, I guess my grandchild was fishing, and she caught the Lord of the Lake. And they cooked and ate him!"

"Seriously, where the hell did this come from..."

"You know, I caught the Lord of the Lake, too, as a challenge before I became a Hunter. That was in real life, though. Anyway, the girl decided not to be a Hunter because I guess she didn't like that I left Noko all the time, or something. She just wanted to stay on Whale Island forever. And a bird flew over, and it showed some of my friends' relatives or grandchildren in other places, too."

"What a random dream," Killua says, then pauses. "So, are you going to run off on me and marry Noko so you can make this a reality? You want to be like Ging or something?" Killua asks. Gon can't see that well in the darkness, but he can tell Killua has a mischievous look on his face from his voice.

"No way!" Gon says. "I don't even know where that came from."

"Well, good, because you're the one who said you want to be together forever," Killua says, teasingly.

"Yeah... Of course I mean it, you know. I was relieved to realize you were next to me when I woke up, I wasn't sure what was real and not at first."

"I wasn't even in the dream?"

"No."

"That's weird."

"Yeah... I don't know what it means or anything. But someone in the dream said something like, 'I always want to be with the person I want to be with. Together always!' and it's hard to describe, but even though you weren't in the dream and I don't know where you were, I still thought of you."

"Well... Thanks," Killua says, much more softly than any of the things he said previously. Killua pauses, then kisses Gon on the forehead. "Can we go back to bed now?"

"Yeah," Gon says, "It's already getting hard to remember the dream."

"That's good, just forget about it."

"It has to be you, Killua. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, just to go back to bed. I love you, too."

[cheerycherrycandy-resurrected]

What You've Done, You Cannot Undo (Medieval AU)

Chapter 4

Dew tries to protect his pack, but it's harder than he anticipated.

Rating: M Content: mild descriptions of violence and death, injury, peril, (wrongful) imprisonment Words: 4130

Links to full fic: Tumblr | AO3

Hello tag alert ghesties @revengeghoulette @everybodyshusband! If anyone wants to be added/removed from this list just lmk! 🥰

Read below, or on AO3!

Ghouls were functionally immortal creatures, even when they lived topside in clans or amongst humans. They were immune to most diseases and any accident or natural disaster would simply return them to the pit, unharmed. Ghouls who failed to care for their vessels through starvation and neglect would meet the same fate. Life was easier down below, albeit less enjoyable, with many elderly ghouls choosing to return voluntarily. Despite all of this when there was intent to kill, ghouls were just as mortal as humans.

~~~~~~~

Dew burst through the door to the cottage, almost ripping it off his hinges. Before he had a chance to warn his packmates of what he'd seen, he was met with an equally concerning sight: Swiss was sat at the kitchen table, head in his hands and whimpering in pain. Mountain was knelt in front of him trying to coax his hands away from his face, while Aether had returned and was hovering behind him looking lost and panicked.

"What's happened?” Dew almost shrieked, surprising himself at the pitch of his voice.

“Swiss had a vision,” Aether wrung his hands anxiously, “Nothing specific, but look how it's left him!”

Swiss let out a deep wail, like the mournful bellow of a whale. His tail curled around Aether's calf, constricting tightly and making the ghoul wince in pain.

“It hurts, Aeth! Make it stop!”

Aether frantically locked eyes with Mountain.

“I can't give him any more quintessence, he'll go mad!”

“Please calm down Snapdragon, try and breathe!” Mountain looked near tears himself.

Together, the huddle of terrified ghouls followed each other's shaky breaths until Swiss was able to speak clearly.

“Something's very wrong, all I can see is pain! But I don't know who's!”

“It's Rain,” Dew panted, “Something's wrong with Rain, I saw it. Dark clouds over Wilkins’ farm, his magic must have got out of control!”

The three larger ghouls looked at him in confusion.

“What do you mean, lost control?” Mountain asked, “Rain's not got enough power to lose control of yet.” he looked at Dew sternly, “He's perfectly capable of moistening a field or two on his own, no matter what you think of him. This has to be something else.”

Dew shook his head furiously.

“There are storm clouds over Farmer Wilkins' that aren't natural, they've got to be from Rain!”

"Swiss' vision...” muttered Aether, “if it's all connected...”

“Then we have to get out of here.” finished Dewdrop, “Someone's got to go and find him before the humans do!”

"Maybe we should keep a low profile until we know what's happening?” Mountain suggested. “Swiss is in no state to move right now, it's probably just an unexpected summer storm.”

“If we rush over all guns blazing it will attract even more attention that a freak rainstorm, then we'd all be in danger.” Aether said, nodded slowly in agreement. “Rain won't be back for ages anyway, he only just left.”

Dew looked between his packmates, appalled. They were happy to just wait things out when their most vulnerable packmate could be in danger? Maybe it was residual guilt over his comments that morning, but Dewdrop felt he had a responsibility to ensure the young ghoul's safety. They were pack, after all.

“So you're just going to sit here?” the silence from the larger ghouls was all Dew needed to hear. If they were prepared to just sit and wait until Rain was due home before doing anything, he would have to fix this himself. Dew turned on his heel and bolted back out the door he had just entered through, his golden hair swinging behind him the only response to the upset shouts of his packmates.

Dewdrop set off into town, jogging along the hedgerows to stay hidden. The sun overhead taunted him, belying the icy fear in his veins. As he got closer to town Dew ducked into the shadows, creeping through alleyways to stay hidden. Nearer the centre, he picked up Rain’s scent. His normally sweet essence of kelp and lemongrass was acrid and burned, the smell of fear unmistakable.

Scaling a wall, Dew leapt lightly down into the courtyard behind the town hall which was thankfully empty. Rain's scent was strongest here. He followed his nose across the area, staring in confusion up at the seemingly blank wall next to the building where the wafting smell of terror was so strong it made him feel nauseous. Looking around, wondering what could be behind it and if Rain could be there, he noticed a small metal grill at floor level. Dew crouched down to peer into the darkness and the continued stench of fear combined with filth and decay coming from inside made him retch.

His eyes adjusted slowly to the darkness, until he could just make out the shapes inside. Curled up and chained to the far wall, was Rain. He was clutching his knees to his chest and gently rocking back and forth. Dew couldn't make out many details, but he could see the silhouette of Rain's unglamoured horns cast by the dim column of light from above.

“Rain!” Dew whispered. Rain made no sign of acknowledgement and continued his absent swaying.

"Rainy!” Dew hissed, louder this time. He saw Rain's ears twitch, and he turned his head to look at him. Even in the darkness, Rain's eyes were dim and blank. One clearly had a deep purple bruise around it, the eyelid swollen almost shut. He stared straight through Dew, without seeing him.

“Oh Rain, what have they done to you!” Dew whimpered instinctually at the sight of the broken and injured ghoul. “I'm going to get you out, okay? Hang in there, you're going to be alright!”

He pushed a soothing scent towards Rain, trying to comfort him. Rifling through his pockets, Dew found a small amount of dried fish wrapped in paper; his uneaten snack from that morning. He wriggled a hand through the iron bars, grateful for once that his arms were skinny enough to fit and tossed the little package towards Rain. It landed close to the water ghoul, his tail snaking out to prod at it when his chained arms couldn't reach.

“It's fish, eat it. I'll bring you more I promise!”

Getting to his feet, Dew brushed the dust from his knees while he considered his surroundings some more. The only way out of the courtyard was through the town hall itself, or back over the wall. He could melt the bars and get Rain out that way, he was just skinny enough to fit through the opening, but there was no way Rain had the strength to climb the wall alone in his state, and Dew wasn't capable of hauling them both up. He'd need to find another way out, or get the others to help.

Dew bent down again to whisper through the gap quickly, “I'm gonna find a way out Rain, I'll be back soon!” He gave what he hoped was an encouraging wave and jogged lightly over to the big oak door. It was tempting to try the main handle, but Dew knew that getting himself caught wouldn't help either of them. At least he would have the element of surprise though...

Forcing himself to consider other options before making the rashest, most impulsive decision, Dew spotted another small window, this one a floor higher up but without metal bars. The building thankfully had large gaps between bricks, just enough to form a few risky footholds. The rough edges of the stone were cold and foreboding under Dew's fingertips, but he eventually got hold of the windowsill. Dew pulled himself onto the narrow ledge, his skinny arms straining and his feet scrabbling against the rough stone, sighing in relief when he saw the inside of the room. It was a latrine, and even better it was unoccupied. Dew shimmied through the small opening and dropped to the floor below. He was in.

The tiny room was dark, the deep brown panelling on the walls and floor absorbing the small amount of light that filtered in the window behind Dew. He pressed his ear to the door and, hearing nothing, slipped into the corridor. The whitewashed walls stretched in both directions, a number of moulded arched alcoves thankfully providing him with some cover. The ceilings were high here, and the cold stone made every footstep echo.

Dew had only been in the large building once before, but he remembered where the main council room was, where he expected the townsfolk would be discussing Rain’s fate. He crept along the hallway, ears pricked like a guard dog, until the murmur of voices could be heard in the distance. Dew pressed himself into an alcove, behind a spindly plant that had seen better days. When it was clear the voices were not getting closer, he inched closer to them to try and pick out words.

Emerging from the long hallway, Dewdrop found himself in the open expanse of the staircase. The ceiling here was even higher, a peak in the centre supported by numerous crossing wooden beams. A vicious draft wafted up the cold stone stairs. Windows high in the wall cast beams of sunlight down onto the stairs, reflecting off the white lime walls in a way that made Dew feel very exposed where he stood.

The sound was clearly coming from the large chambers on the ground floor. He knew that the stairs led directly down into the main meeting hall, and walking down would be tantamount to the grand entrance of a bride at a wedding. He crouched out of sight at the top of the stairs and let the conversation drift to him.

“I always said they’d be trouble! How do you expect any of us to sleep soundly knowing these monsters live amongst us?”

“They’ve always been benevolent until now, maybe this was an accident?”

“Three people are dead Marcus, even if it was an accident he’s not safe to have around our children!”

Three people were dead? Well shit, thought Dewdrop, we really are fucked.

“What if this flood was just the start of it? We need to stamp out this witchcraft before they kill us all!”

“I say we hang him, and the rest too! Burn down the farm, and rid ourselves of these demons that walk the earth. If this is what the weakest one can do, what are the others capable of?”

“We owe it to ol’ Mr Wilkins after what that monster did to his daughter!”

“All in favour of hanging the demon?”

A chorus of ayes made Dew’s blood run cold.

A week. They'd given Rain a week. The mob had demanded time to plan their hanging day celebrations and to try and capture the rest of the ghouls too, or at least run them out of town first. They clearly didn't understand pack loyalty: once Aether, Mountain and Swiss finally realised Rain was directly threatened, pack instincts to protect would take over and they would fight to the death. Dew had to get back to the farm and tell the others; maybe now they would believe him.

The ruckus downstairs providing cover for his echoing footsteps, Dew turned and bolted back along the corridor. He debated squeezing back out the window he had entered through, but at the last moment he remembered he had meant to find Rain some food. And water: as a water ghoul he was especially susceptible to dehydration. Judging from the sounds echoing up the stairs, Dew expected all the building's occupants would be down there for a while longer. He started trying doors at random, hoping to find one with some supplies he could steal.

The first door Dew tried opened easily. Inside was a small library, the books mostly covered in a thick layer of dust as very few of the villagers were able to read. From a quick glance, it seemed most of the books pertained to the laws of the land, and historical records of the town. Dew spun back out of the room and tried the door opposite. It was locked, but that posed no issue to Dew as he effortlessly melted the latch.

This room contained haphazardly stacked ledgers of documents and a small writing desk, empty for now. The window was cracked open, letting the warm summer breeze in, but Dew could still smell the recent presence of a human. He scanned the room carefully, his eyes eventually landing on a small woven basket under the desk. Dew pounced for the basket, ripping the cloth covering off to reveal the bounty inside. Food: lots of it. Clearly clerical work was hungry business. Dew snatched up the fruit, meat pies and small wax-covered cheese, filling his pockets. He also grabbed the full waterskin and took off back out the door.

The noise from the main hall was beginning to quiet, the mass of intermingled voices separating into distinguishable conversations as the townsfolk dispersed. Dew made a break for it, before he was caught too. As he hurled himself from the office, back in the direction of the small bathroom, he heard one conversation becoming louder, two sets of footsteps echoing up the stone staircase at the end of the corridor. He slammed the door to the latrine shut not a moment too soon, and braced himself against it to hold it shut as he heard the men get closer and eventually pass by.

Dew let out a shaky breath and hoisted himself up to the window. He stuck his head out to check the courtyard was still empty, before wriggling back through it and letting himself fall to the ground. His ankle rolled as he landed, making Dew hiss out a stream of curses, but he knew he had to move fast to get out of here. Bending down to the small opening above Rain's jail cell, Dew saw him look up at the noise with more recognition in his eyes this time. Clearly the morsel of food had helped shake him from his shock. Dew fed the stolen lunch items through the window bars, tossing them in range of Rain as best as he could. Once again, the water ghoul's thick blue tail snaked around them to bring the food to him. Lastly, Dew lowered the waterskin down, desperately hoping it wouldn't burst as it landed. It didn't, and Dew was pleased to see Rain immediately open it and take a deep gulp.

“I'm going to get the others, Rain. We're gonna get you out of here!”  He didn't have the heart to tell him about the sentence the townsfolk had just decided on; it wasn't like the knowledge would make any difference anyway. Dew chose not to acknowledge the inherent selfishness of keeping Rain's proposed fate a secret from him, as dark eyes stared back up at him almost accusingly. The disconnect still present in them made it hard for Dew to tell if Rain was fully with him or not.

“Look after yourself Rainy, I'll be back as soon as possible.”

With a final encouraging smile, or at least that's what Dew was aiming for – it felt more like a grimace to him, he scurried back across the courtyard and over the wall, his ankle protesting the whole way. He was more cautious on his way back, and even more careful to stick to shadowy alleys and stay out of sight. As he finally reached the dirt road leading out of the village to their farm, he had to resist the urge to sprint headlong back to his pack. It was too exposed for comfort; he could be seen by anyone on the road for a mile in each direction, and the shooting pains lancing up his leg begged him to be careful until Aether could heal him.

An agonising half hour later, Dew limped up to the farm door. He had snapped a branch from one of the hedgerows he slunk behind to use as a makeshift crutch, but he could feel the swelling getting worse nonetheless.

“Dew! You're back,” Mountain exclaimed as he stumbled through the door, “I think you might be right – Rain still isn't back, and Swiss's visions are getting worse!”

Dew gritted his teeth against the urge to tell Mountain he told him so – that wouldn't help Rain right now. He didn't know what would.

“They've got Rain. We have a week to break him out before they kill him. Are you ready to listen to me now?” his voice broke into a snarl at the end as he tried to hold back his tears of helplessness tinged with guilt.

“Dewdrop?” Aether reappeared in the kitchen and paused as he saw Dew leaning against the doorframe in pain, and Mountain frozen in shock.

“Get Swiss.” growled Dew, “I'm not repeating myself again.”

Aether nodded quickly before vanishing back deeper into the house. He returned moments later with a drained-looking Swiss clutching his arm.

“Rain's in the town jail. They want to hang him next week.” Dew was struggling to keep his composure, every word shook.

Aether went as white as a ghost, staring at Dew like he had grown an extra head. He stumbled as Swiss collapsed against him with a howl.

"W-what happened?” Mountain asked.

“It's worse than I thought. He flooded Wilkins' field, it killed his daughter and two others. And then he went full gills-out ghoul on them all.”

“How? He can barely make a ripple in a puddle, let alone cause a deadly flood!” the earth ghoul looked to the others as though for confirmation that Dew must be exaggerating, but they were still staring at Dew in silent horror.

“I don't know! Something must've happened, and I think it broke his glamour – he's sat in a cell under the town hall with his tail and horns still out!”

“You spoke to him?” Swiss looked up with hopeful eyes, shining with unshed tears.

“I don't know if he heard me,” Dew sniffed back the beginnings of a sob, “he's completely out of it. I got him to eat a bit, but I don't know if he even recognised me. Something bad happened, something really bad, and the townsfolk are coming for us next!”

“We have to go and get him...” Aether finally murmured.

“That's what I've been trying to tell you!” frustrated, Dew almost yelled. “We don't have time to ask about the whys and hows, we're all in danger. We need to get Rain and get out, now!”

The slightly frantic nodding of his packmates told Dew that �� finally – they realised the severity of the situation. Dew pushed off the doorframe to start gathering their belongings to leave and hissed in pain as he put weight through his bad ankle.

“You're hurt too?” Aether looked like his world was collapsing around his ears. Dew guessed it sort of was.

“Just my ankle,” he gave it a test wiggle, “I rolled it earlier, I think it's a sprain.”

Aether ushered him into a chair, picking his boot laces undone, before laying his cool hands onto the enflamed joint. Dew sighed at the relief, moaning as he felt the burning from the injury dissipate throughout his body and evaporate away until only a dull ache remained.

“Take it easy Dew,” he begged, still on his knees in front of Dewdrop, “I can't have you hurt too!”

Dew nodded noncommittally; he could take it easy when they were all safe. He looked around at his packmates and had a horrible realisation about the futility of their current situation. Aether and Mountain, the natural pack-leaders, sat shell-shocked and totally at odds with their normal calm and controlled personalities, Swiss was barely able to speak and still being rocked with aftershocks of his visions, and now Dew was slowed down by an injury. How on earth were they going to stage a rescue mission and escape unscathed? Someone was going to get hurt. If they all shared an element it would have been easier: they could have overwhelmed the town while remaining unaffected themselves. Sure, Dew could burn down the whole village, razing every building to the ground, but it would harm Rain in the process. They needed help.

Thinking on his feet, Dew knew who he could ask. He had sworn he'd never go back; his new life was a world away now, but he couldn't see any other solution where they didn't all end up dead.

“We have to get moving, before the village comes for us.” Dew declared, “Aeth, Mount, go and gather all the plants and herbs you need for basic potions, and some vegetables that will keep. Me and Swiss will sort stuff in here.”

The pair paused, not used to taking orders from Dew. They looked cautiously at Swiss, still zoning out at the table, until Dew made shooing motions outside with his hands, silently pleading with them to fall for his plan and leave.

“I'm gonna grab a few things from upstairs, you good to stay here for a moment?” Dew received only a small nod from Swiss in return, as he grabbed as his head and groaned from the onslaught of another wave of pain.

He took the stairs two at a time before bursting into his bedroom. He grabbed a sheet of paper from the desk and scrawled a quick note, addressing it to his packmates. Stuffing that into his pocket, Dew next set about prying up the loose floorboard on the far side of his bed. This was the only place he allowed himself to hold onto memories of his life before, and the small collection of items had been untouched since the day Dew put them there. He took the battered diary and the metal amulet from underneath it, and neatly placed them in the bottom of a knapsack. On top of them, he threw a change of clothes.

Dew cast one last look around the room he had called home, and closed the door. There was nothing left he couldn't replace; the most precious things in his life were his pack. As an afterthought, he ducked into Mountain's room and took a leatherbound notebook from his writing desk. Him and Aether had been collating an anthology of medicinal plants together over the last several years, it would be unforgivable to let that suffer whatever fate the townsfolk had planned for their house. It could also be a useful bargaining chip: where Dewdrop was headed, knowledge ruled far above gold.

Just before he went back downstairs, Dew saw Rain's door open at the end of the hallway. He'd barely been here a year, yet the whole room was so distinctly his. Shells and rocks he had collected dotted every available surface, the transparent ones thew rainbows across the walls from the sun that poured through the window. Dewdrop knew which one Rain would want saved; a pale stone with tiny fossils embedded in it, polished smooth by millennia of water flowing over it. He'd had it in his pocket when he'd arrived, his only material possession besides the clothes on his back. Dew didn't know what made it special, only that was. He tucked it carefully into the knapsack beside his own amulet.

He barrelled back down the stairs. Swiss was still at the table, and barely looked up when Dewdrop re-entered.

“Swiss? You in there?” the larger ghoul looked up through dark eyelashes. The mental pain from his visions swirled across his eyes, the normally deep amber colour muted and foggy.

“You need to remember your guitar, okay? Go and fetch it now.”

Like a puppet, Swiss lurched to his feet and in the direction of the living room. Dew snatched the last heel of Mountain's bread from that morning off the table, placing the brief letter he had written in its place. He quickly opened the pantry and threw as much dried meat and fruit as would fit into the top of his bag, maybe a day or two's supply if he was careful. Lastly, he filled a waterskin, shrugged on the knapsack, and headed out the door.

Dew could hear Mountain and Aether's voices from around the other side of the house by the herb garden. He walked quietly and quickly towards the gate, refusing to allow himself time to feel guilt for abandoning them like this; they could curse his name until the air turned blue, but if he could save them then that wouldn't matter. Once he was sure he was out of earshot and his footfalls wouldn't be heard, Dewdrop spared a single glance behind him at the place he had been proud to call home and broke into a run.

[ericdeggans]

When your job is explaining race and media, what happens when you find a situation you don't want to explain?

That moment came for me this week, as memes were rocketing around social media connected to the brawl in Montgomery, Ala., where a crowd of mostly-Black bystanders ran to help a Black ferry co-captain who was being assaulted by a group of white men.

Video filmed by a group of mostly-Black bystanders on a nearby boat captured it all: The co-captain throwing his hat in the air, once a white man pushed him harshly; an older Black man whaling on people with a folding chair, including a white woman who was just sitting on the ground by then; a young Black man on a boat close by who jumped into the water and swam with amazing speed to the scene, jumping up to throw hands.

And, in moments, Black Twitter jumped to life (I know he’s renamed it X, but we ain’t recognizing that, and the term refers to people being Black across social media anyway. Harrumph).

There was the quiz asking which folding chair are you? There was the graphic pointing out that an early version of the folding chair was invented by a Black man (seems to be true). The photoshopped picture showing glowing rings around Black folks rushing into the fight, mimicking the climax of Avengers Endgame, where superheroes rushed in to save the day. Images dubbing the young swimmer Black Aquaman, Aquamayne and Blaquaman.

And two of my personal faves: A photoshopped image of the Martin Luther King Jr. statue holding a folding chair. And a version of the brawl video remade as the opening to classic Black sitcom Good Times, with acerbic credits noting the show was “created by Consequences and Repercussions.”

I was blown away by how quickly Black folks across social media were converting horror over a narrowly averted, racialized beat down into funny memes celebrating the reflex of Black folks to stand up for one another, especially when we’re faced with danger from white people.

But when I posted the photo of MLK’s status with the folding chair on my social media feeds, I just added one word: Wow.

I wanted the image to speak for itself. And I wanted people who had questions about what it meant to jump into social media and find out for themselves. I felt the image and its implied humor – that the nation’s most revered civil rights leader might be hoisting a folding chair to defend Black folks in the modern age – was most powerful when not explained.

Unfortunately, some people on my social media platforms insisted on an explanation. One was pretty persistent about it. And I realized I just didn’t want to explain the image, for some reason I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Yeah, it’s sometimes tiring to always be asked to explain your cultural nuances to the world. But that’s the gig I signed up for, many years ago. And yes, the joking was hiding a fear that today’s climate has left racists emboldened enough to attack a Black man in broad daylight for doing his job. So explaining only resurfaces those darker feelings in ways I wasn’t quite ready to process.

Still, something else was also at play. I always say social media is often like a giant dinner party, where people forget they are sometimes listening in on conversations between other people. In this case, being asked to explain the folding chair memes felt like having someone barge into an ongoing conversation to ask for an explanation. This was a moment where Black folks could be hilariously Black online and we could all share that moment together, laughing and consoling each other in one viral, social media moment.

Sometimes, in situations like that, understanding comes best by sitting back, listening widely and learning. Even for me.

I don’t know if this reaction is fair – especially given how much I’ve encouraged discussion about race over the years. But its all I have left, in a world where I increasingly feel like a frog in pot of steadily heating water, wondering when the heat will begin to burn me, my loved ones, my family, my friends and my people.

[sapphicscholar]

wait can you elaborate on your tag about the conditional tense a couple tags ago i’m so curious

Oh sure! For posterity's sake when my TL gets too long to scroll back, this is the post/my tags (link)!

So okay, in the left hand column we've got this absolutely touching, lovely scene of Ava telling Deborah, "I knew you would" (that is: I knew you'd get the late night host gig). And imo that's something that Ava can believe and feel and experience as true, but it's 100% not the way Deborah lets herself feel--and, more importantly to me, not the way Deborah as we know and love her in canon finds pleasure. Hers is an existence that is, in so many ways, affectively opposed to the pregiven and the easily won. The pleasure comes in the fought-for and the hard-won (akin but not identical to the way JPL describe Ava's S3 challenge to Deborah as arousing and a turn-on, which I fear would spin me off in other directions).

I'll preface this by saying: I don't think this was always the case! The young Deborah we glimpse during her meteoric rise to stardom was absolutely filled with joy and wonder at making it. Yes, she was good, but she was also lucky--something she's better able to recognize by the time we get to canon where she can recognize that Ava might be good, but know better than to think that it'll ever be enough. Young Deborah dared to believe there was an indexical relationship between talent/effort and rewards. She knew she was good, she knew her pilot went well, and she didn't (wouldn't!) dream of it all collapsing the way it did. Older Deborah knows better than to ever think things will come that easily. Because she knows (whether or not we agree with it) that things that come too easily can all too easily be ripped away from her, the rug pulled out from under her feet all over again.

So instead she adopts this defensive posture of always needing to be chomping at the bit for the next big thing. (Her white whale is an ever-moving target!) It's why she tells Ava in S2 that she'll be working til she's 107. It's why Ava tells Deborah in S3 that she's bored, rather than luxuriating in the afterglow of the special's success, because she always needs something to fight for (and, imo, also against).

Deborah needs the uncertainty inherent in the conditional tense - the feeling that there's something she could have, but no guarantee she'll be given it, so she has to fight and work hard and often also play dirty (erasing Susan's name, blackmailing Marty, etc.). And she likes it that way! Because if something is won too easily, it gives way to this anticipatory rehearsal of the pain of losing Late Night all over again. And so even if it works out, it's a deflationary kind of happiness, fleeting and not quite satisfying. But if she's clawing and fighting for it, she's in control. While the opportunity may be theirs to ultimately bestow or deny, the fight is always on her terms, not theirs.

Anyway, this is already so many paragraphs lmao, so I'll stop now! But I'll just flag that (for whenever I get around to fully writing and posting), this is why my post-s3 fic takes the shape that it does! Because I think this attitude bleeds out into so much of Deborah's life!

[even-in-arcadia]

Chapter 56, Some Less Erroneous and Also Some True Pictures of Whales

Now that we're all on board with what whales don't look like, it's time to learn about what they DO look like and who hasn't failed at showing us! I will once again put most of the art under the cut; but I think one of the most interesting things that these two chapters show us are

how bad 19th century artists and scientists were at depicting whales - and in compiling this post I saw so many terrible whale drawings Ishmael didn't even call out. Ishmael was right you guys, the whale art scene was absolute chaos back then

most of the art ishmael calls out as "monstrous" is of whales themselves, depicted in either a mythic or scientific perspective. however *all* of the depictions he deems "less erroneous" are actually not of whales of but of whaling which feels like a crucial distinction. Part of it is because none of these whales are depicted in whole, which gets back to Ishmael's contention that it is not actually possible to accurately portray them on paper. Only individual pieces can be correct, but by viewing them together you get an idea of the whole. But it's also that he says flat out that the only reliable source is in fact a whaler; and so necessarily the accurate depictions are of whales already dead or engaged with whaling ships.

Anyway! Just some prefacing thoughts for you. Now on to some less erroneous whales:

William John Huggins

2. Thomas Beale, The Natural History of the Sperm Whale (BEST)

3. William Scoresby, An Account of the Arctic Regions

Personally I think that calling this an accurate depiction is as hilarious as the empty boat flipped upside down in the air but I'm no whaler, what do I know

4. French Engravings (Peche du Cachalot) by Frederic Martens after Garneray

5. J H Durand-Brager, Balienier Francaise en Peche - The best versions of this I could find were in a German pdf (linked); I think these are what Ishmael was referring to.

Now if you're looking at these going "I don't see any whales???". . . . well, here they are. I feel like they're mostly less erroneous by virtue of being tiny.

Also it's important to me that you know that in my quest to find high quality versions of these, I found a site which claimed the painting on the left was called "Bringing In The Whale Whilst Others Look On Enviously" and while I don't know if that's correct (I don't think it is) it's a bitchin title and I will hold it as accurate in my heart.

And there you have it! Now we know what Whales Actually Look Like

[haveihitanerve]

this might be my new favorite interview of all time

holy fuck

im cackling like mad and cannot stop grinning.

theyre such adorkable beans

have an image description-

“Its not really in our nature to argue , except through lawyers. We sulked.” -Roland orzabal “Now i've got you!!” Smith prepares a sneak attack.  Duran Duran collect their Q award. Tears for Fears were not, repeat not, even a tiny bit jealous.  Launching the new Seeds of Love in 1989. No mic for Curt, then? Curt Smith, one day he’ll graduate to the driver’s seat.

Roland, is it true that you once foresaw Curt’s death in a motor race? And have you had any premonitions lately? RO: No, that’s made up as well. Predictive astrology I know nothing about.  CS: Basically, we are dull people so the press are forced to make things up about us. That said, he did used to try to pick up attractive young ladies by guessing their star signs and, 95 percent of the time, getting it wrong. RO: Actually, I didn't do that at all. I would ask them their birthday, and was then able to tell them what their father was like. I was spot on, mostly. It was very impressive.  CS: No, you would tell them that it was in their future to have an affair with a middle-aged pop star…

Curt, what have you been doing for the past 10-plus years? CS: Hanging on. [Orzabal erupts into slightly manic laughter. Smith ignores him] The day after I left the band, I moved to New York because I wanted to disappear. It’s no coincidence that I moved into a city in which you could disappear very easily. A while later, I made a solo album, which I hated; I had a syndicated radio show in America; I was an MTV VJ. In other words, I had a life.

How the hell did you spend one million pounds making The Seeds Of Love? And do you still consider it to be a work of genius? RO: It cost a million pounds because it took over four years to record, and the studio was 1500 a day. I don't think that, overall, it was a work of complete genius, but there are definitely elements of genius in it. Parts of the album are overproduced and pompous, and listening to those parts now makes me cringe. But every time I do listen to it, I still go, Wow, how did I do that? That’s amazing. It’s the most genius Beatles rip-off in existence. Q gave us five stars, you'll remember. I wouldn't have given it as much as that. But you did. 

Who ripped off The Beatles more- you or Oasis? RO: Oasis ripped off The Rutles, not the Beatles. But Liam does do an amazing Lennon, he just does, his voice sounds beautiful. We were ripping off one aspect of The Beatles- Sgt Pepper- while Oasis have made a career out of it.

Roland, is Fish Out Of Water (from Elemental, his first ‘solo’ Tears For Fears album) about Curt? If so, those are some pretty cutting lyrics… RO: Yes, it is, and it contains some of my favourite lyrics. “We used to sit and talk about primal scream/To exorcise our past was our adolescent dream/But now its sink or swim since your memory fails/Now in Neptune's kitchen you will be food for killer whales.” Fantastic, no? Pure vitriol.  CS: I couldn't give a fuck, quite frankly. Its a compliment, in some ways. RO: Absolutely. It means I cared deeply for him. [Laughs] That’s one way of interpreting it, anyway…

The ‘80s: an era of cocaine, non-stop fashion disasters and infinte greed. Discuss RO: Absolutely. It was a time of Wall Street’s “greed is good”, of Margret Thatcher and rampant free market capitalism, that kind of thing. True, the mullets were a disaster, although my hair is much the same today. But, by then, we were the very antithesis of rock’n’roll. The drugs didn't come until much later- I didn't start doing charlie until the ‘90s, and only then because I wanted to catch up. In the ‘80s, I’d denied myself many pleasures. I was very introverted, very anal.  [Smith nods in silent agreement]

After the fallout in 1990, was Roland pleased to see Curt’s career flop? RO: I didn't like his first solo album at all, but then nor did he. I felt it was going in the wrong direction. But his second, Mayfield, was really good. I thought to myself, Why didn't he do this when we were together? I wouldn't have let him? Well, thats probably true. I did view Tears For Fears very much as my band, I suppose.

Who is the best singer? RO: I am. CS: I am.

You were really pretentious, weren't you? RO: [laughing again] We Still are pretentious! But we’re much better at it now. We’ve blended our pretensions with humor, wouldn't you say? We are humorous and pretentious and middle-aged. We’re both 42, after all. CS: But I look younger RO: Cunt. (yes he says cunt, not curt)

Duran Duran got a lifetime achievement at last years Q Awards. Were you jealous? RO [scoffing]: I think, basically, you are running out of people to give awards to, so watch this space, because it could be us next year? What I want to know is why you didn't give it to Phil Collins. Genesis, the solo years and of course The Lion King, the best record he’s ever made. Anyway, how do you define achievement? As Sting once said… CS: oh, for fucks sake, please don't start quoting Sting.  RO:.... As Sting once said, Music is its own reward.

[violetnerves]

The Rise and Fall of Jenny Hopkins, aged 15 - Chapter 4, Part 1: Under Pressure.

Well this is embarrassing. It's been awhile, life happened and I also procrastinated. But I've got it done so here you go!

A bit of a slow chapter, it's mainly set up for part 2 besides the introduction to some of the original female characters meant to expand the female cast since there were very few girls at the Academy in the original game.

Word Count: 8,284

Some Content warnings that may apply:

-Jenny's got a bit of a case of internalized misogyny. I sorta hinted at it in earlier chapters but I tried to make it apparent here.

-Some foul language. I think I might've been too frivolous with it here, though considering the first chapter had the c-word in it I guess that's to be expected at this point.

I'll admit, I had a pretty nice day with Gary yesterday. Yeah, I didn't think I'd admit that to myself either, but I really did. Since I'm basically talking to myself, it's fine if I do. Not like anybody else is ever gonna read this.

Well… unless my dream of becoming a successful rockstar ends up panning out, and I decide to publish this diary, claiming it as my autobiography that I totally didn't just put out as an easy money grab. That isn't like me at all, I don't even like money that much!

Anyway, enough lying off my ass, I'm sure you're wondering what Gary and I got up to.

After we left Burgers right after Gary called me… pretty… he talked me into stealing a bike with him, and we rode through Old Bullworth Vale, specifically the neighborhood where all the Preps lived. It was some weirdly laid out cul-de-sac, rather than some kind of gated community like I would've expected. Many of the houses did have a large metal fence and gate surrounding them though, with Tad Spencer's even having an extra fence just to enclose the garage.

Gary pointed out Derby, Tad's and Pinky's house, as well as Petey's house since he apparently lived in the area too. For some reason he felt the need to point out how Petey's house was only one story, and how the only reason they lived there was because Pete's mom is an obese whale who'd fall through the floor of any building higher than ground level. I had to wonder what that kid even did to Gary to make him feel the need to insult him all the time, even when he wasn't around, and if Pete was even aware of the reason.

“So, where's your house then?” I asked out of curiosity, just casually peddling beside Gary on the side of the road as we made our way to Bullworth Town. “I noticed you didn't point it out, do you live out of town or are you from a different state and just familiar with the area from attending the Academy for so long?”

Gary didn't answer my question immediately, despite staring at me the entire time. 

It was really starting to annoy me. It was bad enough that he felt the need to call me pretty (If he hadn't bought me lunch, I probably would've slugged him in the face right after he'd said it.) but now with the staring? 

“Gary, could you quit staring at me like that? It's weirding me out.”

The guy looked like he'd been caught red-handed committing a crime, his eyes widening as we stopped by the entrance to the park not too far from the fast food place we'd eaten at earlier. He tried to give a response, eyes darting around as he clearly didn't have a good explanation, and only managed to blurt out:

“I wasn't staring at you.”

I rolled my eyes, instead changing the subject back to asking where he lived.

“So? Where do you actually live?” I asked once more, my tone a bit bitchier than I intended it to come out. Understandable given his behavior.

Just… God, why did he have to call me pretty? That's the last thing I ever wanted to be. I didn't want to look attractive to anyone, that would make me more of a target than I already was just for being born a girl at all.

I bet ugly guys don't have to deal with bullcrap like this. Dammit, why couldn't I have just been born a dude! 

Then again, I guess it could be worse. He could've said something stupid like, oh I don't know, I love you or something. I didn't trust anyone except my mother to say that to me… even though I really couldn't remember the last time my mother had told me she loved me…

Whatever. 

If Gary really had said that to me, I would've ditched him at Burgers and probably ditched school altogether.

I knew I could never, ever trust a man to say he loved me and actually mean it without some kind of catch.

It wasn't completely impossible for me to avoid going back to the Academy anyway, I'd once ran away from home for about a month and a half about two years ago in a really really dumb attempt to find my biological father. During that time, I'd taught myself how to drive, drank my first beer, and even realized that I was a little bit of a dyke. Good times.

Gary's demeanor flipped like a switch, and suddenly that nervousness from earlier was gone. He'd gone back to his usual confident self, it was almost like he hadn't been nervous at all.

How the hell did he even do that? First Gary's angry then chill the next second, then he's nervous and now he seems like he has everything under control? Man, I wish I could do that, maybe I'd be considered less of a bitch.

“Oh, me? My place is out of town and pretty isolated, it's about 30 miles North of Bullworth. Not really walking or biking distance. It's a manor, way bigger than Derby's mansion too… You know, I could invite you over sometime…” Gary said, leaning on his (stolen) bike in what I can only describe as… seductive… yet weirdly pitiful. Like he was trying to charm me, except he didn't seem confident about it. It kind of reminded me of Pete a little, though only the latter part. Pete was only charming in a pitiful way, like a kitten with a cold.

“I'm good, thanks,” I replied.

I expected Gary to try and push the topic, but he thankfully took the hint. Instead we headed into this place called “Old Bullworth Gardens” for a bit. It was just some park, there wasn't even any sort of garden around at all. Why even call it a garden if there wasn't anything besides trees around?

Gary got the idea of practicing my aim more with the slingshot by hiding in a tree and slinging pebbles at random passerby. I went through with it, because the idea sounded funny. 

And you know what? It was.

He’d point out someone, and I'd aim at them and shoot. Didn’t matter if it was some old lady or a guy wearing shorts 2 sizes too small for him going out on a late mid-day run: either way, they got the gift of a pebble getting launched at their head. I tried to avoid hitting anyone in the eyes, but that was about it. It's not like a little pebble could kill anyone after all… It's a bit stupid to die from getting hit by a pebble.

…

Gary stood behind the tree I was in, letting out a quiet chuckle with every hit I managed to get. 

Now that I think about it, describing his laughter as a chuckle didn't seem right, it was more comparable to a giggle. It was boyish and sweet, and it caught me off guard hearing it come out of the mouth of a guy like Gary. Especially since all I was doing was beaming people in the head with small pebbles. Maybe I was missing something, could it be something else that was causing it?

Maybe not, Gary was a bit of a weirdo. I knew that from the first time I'd ever spoken to him.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said Gary's weird giggling caught me off guard. A guy with crutches and a cast on his leg wobbled by, and, to my surprise, I accidentally released the slingshot’s flimsy rubber band. Instead of hitting the guy with the crutches, it hit a nearby wasp nest in a tree about a few feet away from the one I was in. The nest fell, and unfortunately for the couple having a picnic right underneath that same tree, it landed right between the two of them.

Gary's giggling turned into full on hysterical laughter as the couple screamed in terror and fled the gardens, trailed by a swarm of angry wasps.

Unfortunately, Gary's loud ass laugh got the attention of a nearby cop.

“Hey! What are you two doing out of school?! Don't think for a second about acting stupid, I see those uniforms!”

Gary seemingly didn't think twice about making a run for it without helping me out of the tree, but truthfully? I hardly blamed him.

I would've done the same thing really. A dick move, sure, but not one that I wouldn’t have done.

I scrambled down the tree and barely avoided the officer grabbing me as I sprinted off in the same direction as Gary, the cop still on my ass. As I shoved my slingshot back in my bag, I was stumped on how to get this guy off me… until I remembered something.

Behind the junk bus, just before I smashed its windows in, I spotted a plastic bag of marbles and shoved them in my purse as a keepsake. I wasn't sure why they were there, maybe some other student had dropped the bag or just stashed them there for who knows what reason.

I undid the tie on the bag and tossed it behind me without looking back, hearing the contents rattle out on the gravel crosswalk loudly. Next thing I heard was the even louder sound of a body hitting concrete, followed by a string of agonized curses. I didn't look back, but I still ended up barely holding back a laugh.

Just my luck, I actually ended up losing track of Gary. I briefly wondered if he and Davis were in the same Track team or something as I decided to run down toward the beach as the sun began to set on the horizon, turning the ocean from its natural blue color to a warm, saturated orange.

Looking at the water, I almost felt the temptation to dive in for some reason. It was stupid, I mean, it was October, and it was the beginning of Fall, the water was freezing… besides, I didn't even like swimming that much. 

…Didn't help that one-piece swimsuits typically made for girls my size tended to be pretty ugly… and there was no way I was ever swimming in a bikini…

I stood at the top of the steps at the entrance to the beach, and as I made my way down to the sandbank below, I felt an odd sense of apprehension come over me. I looked around, but besides some of the townsfolk walking around town clearly minding their own business, there wasn't anything or anyone around that could've been the cause of the weird feeling.

Shaking my head, I stepped onto the beach and walked right, my gaze fixated on the light house.

I’d… never seen one of those so close up before. It seemed to be abandoned, the light at the very top unlit and the mechanism that made it spin wasn’t on either. Underneath it was a small building, connected to the main pier with a ramp leading up to what I assumed was the entrance to the place.

I’ll admit, I got a bit curious. Before I could actually satiate that curiosity however, I felt a pair of hands grab me from behind. One hand was on my mouth, while the other had a firm grip on my right shoulder.

I didn't waste any time reacting, slamming my elbow into whoever was grabbing me. He grunted, I could tell it was a guy from how deep the sound of it was. Before he could do anything I whipped around and grabbed his throat.

I didn't apply any pressure though… because I realized it was Gary. Even though my hands were wrapped firmly around his throat, the motherfucker was grinning. He let out this throaty, mild and short chuckle as he stared at me with his head lifted up. 

My hands left his throat and I stared at him completely baffled. What the fuck was wrong with this guy?

Scratch that, I should've been asking a different question, something along the lines of what wasn't wrong with this guy. That would've been easier to answer…

…Like… I dunno, his tooth gap was kind of cute? I guess?

…

…Maybe seeing the school counselor wasn’t such a bad idea from Crabblesnitch after all. Seriously Jenny-girl, what the fuck is wrong with you? What the actual fuck? First you date a guy 5 years older than you back in 7th grade that ended up stabbing his aunt with a sharpened candy cane on the 4th of July, and now this shit?

You seriously need to get better taste in men.

Gary let out that weird giggle again, and I switched from being baffled to being pissed off.

“What’s so funny you moron? What were you thinking?!”

He kept chuckling, and I seriously considered actually strangling him when he finally spoke. What he said next only reinforced the thought.

“Awww… Did I scare you Jane? I was just trying to be funny, didn't think you'd try to strangle me like that. A bit of a psychotic response don't you think?” he spoke, smirking briefly with a short ‘heh’ before continuing, “Anyway… you wanna watch the sunset with me? I saw you looking at it beforehand so…”

What the hell was-

…

…Oh what the Hell, I was just repeating myself at this point. 

It's like his constant weird behavior was tiring me out. Just one thing right after the other. None of it was enough to make me leave, instead, I found myself tolerating it.

For what reason? I didn't know, still don't.

So what did I do?

“...Sure Gary…”

I watched the sunset with him. Yes, seriously. It was pretty nice actually, he didn't even do anything weird for the rest of the day afterwards… Thankfully.

Aside from a comment he made about the sunset reminding him of my eyes. I rolled my eyes at that, giving him a firm and final “whatever.”

By the time we were ready to go, it was past curfew, so Gary and I headed back to the school. The Prefects that were patrolling around the school grounds for curfew dodgers were hardly an issue, not noticing as we slipped through a huge hole in the outer fence wall… 

…Which we could've gone through earlier rather than hopping the fence…

Why didn’t we go through there earlier? I didn’t think to ask at the time since… well I was tired as hell at that point from all the action and Gary in general and just didn’t think about it at the time. I figure I should ask Gary about it later, but knowing me, I'll probably forget to do it. It's not like it's that much of a big deal anyways.

I did learn something new from Gary before we split up to go back to our respective Dorms for the night. The front doors of the dorms were locked up after curfew, so entering from there wasn't an option. Instead, there was a window that led straight into the attic of the girl's dorm, which for whatever reason was never closed. Aside from having to climb a lattice wall covered in overgrown vines just to get up to the window, I didn't have any issue sneaking back into the dorm, and back into my room.

No, I don't know why Gary knows about that entrance. Again… I was too tired to ask. To be honest, I don’t remember much else from that night, safe to say I was pretty checked out by that point. Weirdly, the last thing I remember that night before passing out was the sound of somebody puking their guts out, coming from the area where the bathroom was. Not sure what was up with that.

I woke up still wearing my school uniform. I even still had that origami flower Gary tied to my hair, which I'd figured would have fallen out with how loose I'd tied it, but apparently not.

Trisha was the one who woke me up by the way, not because she wanted to be annoying, but because if she hadn’t, I would’ve been late for class otherwise. Pretty cool of her, but I still ended up giving her shit for it anyway because I'm an absolute bitch with a capital b in the morning. Next chance I get I should probably apologize… If I remember to do it.

Didn't help that she asked about the flower, wondering where I'd gotten it and why I was wearing it in my hair. I practically ripped it out and shoved it into my section of the closet.

Despite all that, I think I was starting to tolerate Trisha at this point. It helps that she’s only mildly annoying, and not on purpose. Trisha's just… like that. Trisha doesn't go out of her way to be a dick, unlike pretty much everybody in this God forsaken school. Namely this one brunette - Mandy I think her name was? - who tripped Trisha on her way out of the Dormitory. I helped the fallen girl up and yelled at the girl in the cheerleader outfit, but Mandy just laughed and walked off. What a friggin bitch.

Trisha thanked me and we parted ways, and that was that.

I barely made it in time for Biology. It was… normal I guess? I already knew the teacher's name was Dr. Slaughter, and boy did his personality certainly match his name. He complimented me on my delicate knife work, but instead of feeling pretty good about the praise, it just weirded me out. I feel like he and that creepy janitor I've seen around campus who mumbles a lot hide dead bodies together after school. 

I just so happened to be partnered up with Eunice for the whole thing, but she wasn't much help. She was pretty sensitive about seeing the frog's innards, and the most I could get her to do was pass the tools I needed and label the drawings of the organs on the sheet we were given. We did chat for a bit, mainly about the other girls at the school. Turns out Eunice was a bit of a gossip with a little bit of nudging.

I did get some info on the more prominent girls around the campus, since Gary neglected to actually fill me in on any of them earlier.

First of all, there was Marian Abbott, the Head Girl. Her family was British, but she was born in America so that meant pretty much nothing really. She's basically an American. She was in her senior year and admitted that she was aiming to go to Harvard, which Eunice thought was pretty believable given how seriously she took her studies… along with the fact that her dad was a billionaire who could easily afford the tuition. She didn't go out of her way to talk to people, but that didn't matter since people would go out of their way to talk to her. She was also technically a part of the Jocks clique since she was Head of the swim team, but there was another girl in the clique who was far more important than her.

Mandy Wyles, the head cheerleader. Why was she so important? Besides the fact that she was the head cheerleader? It was because her boyfriend, Ted Thompson, was the Captain of Bullworth's football team. Yeah, her popularity was solely because of a man, a boy really. That was what gave her status. She was otherwise a vapid bully, and constantly had her eyes on the Greasers clique leader rather than her actual boyfriend. She ruled the Girl's dorm with an iron fist, since she pretty much had Mrs. Peabody wrapped around her perfectly manicured finger. If a girl did something she personally didn't approve of or inconvenienced her in some way, she'd go crying to Peabody about it and the old hag would go out of her way to find something to punish the offending girl for.

Hearing that, I thought back to what Dr. Lamb said about Mrs. Peabody looking after the girls. Was she lying about that or delusional? I'd believe that second one, seems like a lot of people in this place have their heads up their asses or something, it'd explain everybody's crappy mood.

Heh.

Oh, and she apparently has an eating disorder or something like that, and she hid it by throwing up in either the Girl’s Dorms or gym bathrooms late at night or whenever there wasn’t anyone around. I guess that explained the puking I'd heard from the night before. Personally, I don’t think it could’ve happened to a nicer girl.

I’m sure if I said that aloud, you’d be able to hear the condescension in my tone.

Then there was Lola Lombardi, the top girl of the Greasers. Two guesses as to why that is. 

That's right, It's because she's dating the leader of the Greasers, Johnny Vincent. Granted, she does have a bit of a girl posse going on with some of the other Greaser's girlfriends. Their little sub-group is pretty identical to their male counterparts, but a lot more subtle when it comes to their harassment, mainly because of Mrs. Peabody. Apparently Lola really, really hated any girl that admitted to wanting to hook up with her boyfriend. It probably would've been understandable, if it wasn't for the fact that Lola herself was a serial cheater. Every year since they'd first gotten together, Lola would cheat on Johnny with multiple guys, and her little gang would try to cover it up and make sure Johnny didn't find out about it. Except they must've been pretty bad at doing it, since Johnny would always end up finding out about his girlfriend playing hot potato with her and another dude's lips at least once, and it'd end pretty badly for whatever guy was smoochin’ Lola. Last year, one of those stupid and unlucky boys even ended up in a 3 month coma, but when the cops tried asking him how it happened and who did it, the kid couldn't even remember who had beaten him up to begin with, so Johnny and his boys got off scott free.

Oh, and despite the Greasers and Preps being rivals with one another, Lola has issues with Mandy Wyles rather than the main Prep girl, Pinky Gauthier. Mandy's been pretty upfront with wanting to get together with Johnny for a long time, but because of how close she is with Mrs. Peabody, Lola and her crew basically can't touch her, nevermind breathe the same air.

Speaking of Pinky, she's the main Prep girl. She's… pretty unremarkable. According to Eunice, she's not even mean to anyone, at least in comparison to the others at the Academy; At worst, she complains a lot and loudly about her ridiculously young step-mother, either because the other womans been borrowing her clothes or makeup or whatever without asking; apparently the last complaint was about the step-mom taking her limited edition Nintendogs metallic rose colored Nintendo DS. Initially, it seemed like she was pretty inoffensive, I thought I could’ve found some common ground with her by complaining about the annoying things my mom does… then I remembered she was dating her cousin, Derby Harrington. I dunno if I'd even want to associate with somebody like that.

While Pinky was the most prominent and popular girl of the Preps, there was another significant girl to be aware of. 

Annette Caldwell.

Annette, as far as what Eunice has told me, is a ticking time bomb. She acts like she's all calm and collected, but if you were to wrong her in some way you'd never hear the end of it, at least these days. In the past, she used to be just kind of two-faced, speaking kindly of people only to talk shit about them behind their back; A coward basically.

But then her family started getting into financial trouble, the kind you couldn't easily get out of. Recently she's been trying to get Derby to date her, in what Eunice assumed was a way to get her family some financial security. Not that Annette getting with Derby was any better than him dating his cousin, because Annette was also his cousin; The rich of Bullworth seemed to be real connected with each other, which made me wonder why the Harrington's weren't already helping the Caldwell's out of their financial woes.

By the day, it seemed like she's been getting worse and worse, and I'm pretty sure it was her I'd heard yelling at the top of her lungs at someone from halfway across the main school building yesterday.

Could've just been some random girl, but the voice sounded like it belonged to some high-class snooty teenage girl that was having a mental breakdown, so I just assumed.

At the very bottom of relevancy was Beatrice Trudeau, main girl of the Nerds. I was sort of familiar with her… though, mainly her smell. I'm pretty sure I'd hurried past her on my way to Biology this morning, and that was enough to make me dislike her immediately. Seriously, has that girl ever heard of deodorant?

She was probably one of the few Nerds that actually seemed to care about her future beyond swearing that they'll be their bullies boss someday. She could often be found in the library after school like the rest of the nerds, but rather than playing Grottos and Gremlins, she'd have her face shoved in some kind of book along with a few of the other Nerd girls she got along with.

Even though I probably didn't really need the info, I ended up asking Eunice about Trisha and what her whole deal was. Mainly how she was even in the Bullies clique in the first place. Sure, Trent was her brother and that probably answered my question, but it still seemed strange that somebody like Russell would just allow her in given her… quirks... 

Well, I was sort of right, but it was a bit more complicated.

See, Trisha Northwick considered herself… a witch. Seriously, she was 100% convinced she was some kind of magic girl in some book she liked, though she was pretty inconsistent about how her magic worked. Last year she got in trouble for taking all the salt from the cafeteria kitchen along with a shit ton of glitter from the art room and spreading it in a ring around the Boy's Dorm at 3 in the morning. When she got caught, she claimed that she was trying to cleanse the demons and evil spirits out of the Dorm, only to be told by Crabblesnitch that there weren't any demons in the Dorm, only the male students. She then tried arguing that the demons were obviously separate beings from the students that lived there, but that the salt circle would probably do them some good anyway by cleansing their souls and making them act nicer. 

I kinda figured Trisha had a few screws loose, but this was something else. At least it seemed like her delusions were meant to be helpful, if still bafflingly ridiculous.

As for the whole Russell thing? Well, he was convinced of her whole witch delusion, and the only reason she was in his clique was because Trent told him that if he didn't let her join, Trisha would get upset and put a curse on him. It was kind of screwed up actually, Russell was obviously “slow”, and you could probably make the argument that the two were taking advantage of that.

Not that I cared really. That huge idiot gave me a bloody nose on my first day here, could've broken it too with how hard he'd hit me, so why should I be concerned with a nutcase and her bully of a brother taking advantage of his retardation?

Yeah, that's right. It's none of my damn business.

Plus, actually trying to do something to make the students around here act less like assholes, even if it is utterly delusional and wouldn't have actually worked, isn't a completely terrible idea. Obviously, though, there were… better ways to go about it.

Did I know of any specific one? Not really, but I assumed there was. Best I could think of doing was smacking anybody harassing me for something stupid. Gary probably had some ideas though.

After biology was lunch, but rather than stop by the lunchroom to get a whiff of whatever unholy dish that ogre was cooking up, I instead went straight towards the school counselor's office. I was told I could either visit during lunch or after the second class was over, and since I really just wanted to get this over with I decided lunch would be fine.

As of now, I’m sitting by Dr. Lamb’s office door with this dumb diary in hand, more or less stalling; My pen rolling in between my fingers as I press the tip to the paper, jotting down one last sentence.

Just get it over with Jen. 

***

I shut the diary loudly and stuffed it back into my purse along with my pen. Usually I would've kept the holy grail of all my secrets and insecurities and secret insecurities somewhere more private than my purse, like burying it in the closet, but I didn't fully trust Trisha not to snoop around and find it. It was nothing personal, truthfully I'd do the same thing with pretty much any girl in this school. I’ve gotten my diary stolen before back at the third school I'd attended, the one in San Andreas.

Admittedly, the only reason it even happened was because I'd brought it to school in the first place, but since just leaving it at home wasn't an option here, keeping it in my purse was arguably safer; Especially since nowadays I could just beat up anybody stupid enough to run off with my bag.

My hand met the stainless steel door handle into Dr. Lamb's office and opened it, peeking inside to see her typing at her computer. She noticed me and waved with a warm smile.

“Oh! Hello Jane, nice of you to drop by!” Dr. Lamb said, her voice a bit weary. It didn't match her appearance, which was noticeably better than yesterday. I swear, it was like she'd gotten done having some kind of mental breakdown right before catching Gary and I jumping the fence. I'd ask, but I figured she'd ignore me or change the topic. It's what my mom would do, well, actually, mom tended to get mad more often than the other two, but Dr. Lamb didn't seem like that type of person.

I scanned the room itself. It was pretty boring, the only sense of Dr. Lamb’s touch seemed to be mostly restricted to her desk.

“Yeah, I kinda just wanted to get this over with. Gives me an excuse to skip lunch too,” I said, sitting in one of the office chairs set not too far from the front of her desk. I let my purse dangle on one of the chairs’ arms. I Continued with, “So, how are ya doing?”

Dr. Lamb gave me a look of concern.

“You mean you haven't eaten anything today? Did you at least eat something for breakfast?”

“Nothing besides a Beam cola. I'm not really interested in getting food poisoning on my first week of school.”

She sighed, in a way that sounded like she understood the terrible state of the food in the cafeteria but was still disappointed that I'd choose going hungry over just risking it and eating whatever looked the most edible thing on the menu.

“Well I can't just let you go hungry. Hold on, let me just get this out,” before I could tell her it was fine and that I was used to going hungry, she was already rummaging through her desk.

Dr. Lamb ducked down in her chair and I heard a drawer from behind her desk being opened up. As she rummaged through from wherever, I noticed the photo frames on her desk. She had a good number of photos but one stood out to me for whatever reason.

It was Dr. Lamb with a butch looking woman and a young girl, probably kindergarten age. The three were at some kind of beach, and the butch woman and Lamb were building a sandcastle with the girl, who I could guess was probably Dr. Lamb's daughter with how similar they looked.

My focus left the pictures and went back to Dr. Lamb, who set a fairly large black canvas lunch bag on her desk. She unzipped the top, and it turned out to have several baggies full of what appeared to be sandwiches wrapped up in napkins. 

“I've noticed that a lot of the students around here seem to avoid eating the food in the cafeteria, so I figured I'd get permission to have the students in my afternoon Home Economics class make these sandwiches as a warmup while I get their assignment ready and hand them out. They're basically just PB and J sandwiches with banana slices in them, though I did make sure to include a few that's just jelly and banana, for the students that have a peanut allergy. Feel free to take one!”

My gaze shifted from the bag back to Dr. Lamb, and for some reason I couldn't help but to think back to what Gary had said about her.

"I mean, Lamb just seems like she's hiding something to me. She's a new hire, and I feel like she's just putting on this act of being all sweet and kind until she reveals who she really is…”

It's not like I hadn't been screwed over by a “nice” teacher before. I was still going to be careful, but I was kind of hungry, so…

“Thanks ma'am,” I replied, taking one of the bags and unwrapping the sandwich inside of it. Sure enough, it was just a plain, white bread PBJ, one of the banana slices peeking out between the two bread slices. Not like I was expecting anything spectacular, “It's better than nothing.”

Dr. Lamb smiled and zipped the bag up, putting it back where she'd pulled it out.

“Yes, it's far better than skipping a meal. Listen Jenny, that’s not the kind of habit you want to repeat, it could lead to an eating disorder. Teen girls around your age are particularly susceptible to developing them.”

“So I've heard,” I said. It's not like I was at risk of it. I just needed to cut back on the Beam colas, which I could do at any time. Y'know, if I ever felt like it.

Which wasn't anytime soon I don't think. Didn't mean I had a problem though obviously.

“I'm serious Jane,” Dr. Lamb replied, her tone sounding more like a stern parent than her usual soft spoken way of talking. Which didn't seem too out of place oddly enough, “Just try and eat the most edible thing on the menu, at least until after Halloween when they finally let you students roam the town.”

I groaned. I wasn't gonna be too mean, but I knew I had to be blunt.

“Listen, Lamb, there's nothin’ edible comin’ out of that lunchroom. It's like the food's being made by a lunch lady that's deliberately tryin’ to poison people. And given the amount of kids I've seen runnin’ out of the lunchroom just to puke their guts out in the garbage cans out in the hallway cause the ones in the lunchroom are occupied? She's doin’ a great job. Seriously, I think that Edna woman needs to be fired. Her cooking could probably be considered a war crime.”

Dr. Lamb gave me a look that outright said, ‘You're right, but you shouldn't say it,’ which meant she was definitely gonna get on my case about saying it in the first place.

Except she didn't. She changed the topic instead, and somehow that ended up being worse than her reprimanding me for just being honest.

“So I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday…”

“What the fight or Gary and I skipping school?”

“About - Waitaminute w-what fight?”

Shit, did I just tell on myself? I guess that explains why I hadn’t gotten called in for it. I guess getting beat up for the second time in a row by the new girl on her second day left them too embarrassed to say anything about it. Since I've already blabbed and it could get that asshole Davis into trouble, I decided to just tell her. It’d whittle their number down a bit more… Or I could get in trouble again…

“Uh, yeah. That Davis White kid shot a pebble at me and lured me into the Shop class area where the rest of his buddies were, and so I had to beat the crap out of them again. They did it cause they were mad about Trent and Russell getting in trouble.”

“Oh for fu-BUCK’S sake.”

I kinda just stared at the blonde woman as Lamb held her head in her hands, pressing her thin hands into her face. She mumbled up a storm and the few bits I could make out among the jumbled mess of words were: “Second day” “2 months” and “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph”. I wondered briefly if I should interrupt but figured that, with how run ragged she seemed to be yesterday, this school's craziness was starting to get to her. Gary had said she was new, and that was pretty obvious when compared to the other faculty who were either just another part of the school's madness or completely numb to it.

It'd be terrible to see that kind of thing happen to her, even if what Gary said about her was true.

The blonde woman grumbled a bit more before scratching her head and glancing at me again.

“I-it's fine… Though I will have to inform Dr. Crabblesnitch of this… But what I actually meant to talk about was the other incident. Concerning you and Gary hopping the main gate.” 

I already figured that one was coming.

“Yes ma'am? What about it? I thought it was kinda weird how I didn’t get called into the office for it, figured you would've told Crabblesnitch by now. I wouldn't even really blame you for doing it, protocol and all that nonsense,” I said, finally opening up the bagged PBJ I'd been offered to dig into. 

“I did, at least as soon as I could do it. I actually did it this morning.”

I raised an eyebrow at that.

“This morning?” I said, the surprise in my tone apparent, “You mean you didn’t do it right after you caught us?”

She shook her head.

“No, I'd planned on it but I kept running into distractions throughout the day. It was my turn to patrol the school grounds along with Mr. Galloway, but unfortunately he seemed to be preoccupied with… something else… so it was just me and one of the Prefects at the time. It's why I was out there to see you two climbing the gate. It was just one thing after another; I needed to attend my afternoon Home Economics class. One boy shoved a firecracker down another boy's pants during shop class and it triggered the shop class teacher's PTSD. A fight broke out in front of the Boy's Dorm…” The blonde’s eyes unconsciously landed on me, and I had to hold back an eye roll so she wouldn't notice. “Again…” Lamb just kept going and going with all the stuff that went down while Gary and I were out on the town yesterday, and I briefly wondered if stuff like this happened on the regular. Did the school board or whoever was in charge of monitoring schools know about any of it? 

Eventually Dr. Lamb got to the point, “I did catch you two going back to the school grounds later on in the day on my way home, but I still made sure to inform Dr. Crabblesnitch of the incident this morning...”

“Wait, if you told him then how come I wasn't called up to the office for it?” I replied with a mouthful of PBJ.

“Because he had already been informed of the incident by Gary.”

I blinked, swallowing the bit of sandwich I had so I could ask clearly. But I found it a bit hard to speak. Gary had said something? He'd admitted it? I mean, I guess he'd have to since we'd been caught but I hadn't taken him for being such a casual snitch.

Given we seemingly hadn't gotten in trouble for it though… maybe he'd had the right idea.

“Gary admitted it?” I asked, as if for some reason I needed to confirm what Dr. Lamb just told me barely a second ago, “What exactly did he tell Dr. Crabblesnitch then besides that? Because, well, I don't take the Headmaster as somebody who would let something as serious as leaving campus without telling anybody very lightly…”

“Oh he took it quite well actually. Gary had approached him earlier in the morning right as he left his car. Gary’s reasoning for it was because he got a little impatient and since you were new, he'd wanted to just show you around town before they finally opened up the gates after Halloween. I'd assume since Gary is the current Head Boy and meant well enough, Dr. Crabblesnitch decided to let it go, especially since there hadn't been any incidents reported by the police as a result of you two. He told me he let Gary off with a warning and wanted me to tell you the same.”

I guess that means I'm off the hook and that the cop I'd tripped up with marbles hadn’t bothered to report us either… Or he’d hit his head hard enough on the pavement to forget about it entirely. Either way, it meant I wasn't gonna get in trouble for once, so I was fine with brushing it off entirely and keeping my mouth shut about that.

“Alright then. I actually wasn’t fully ok with the idea of leaving campus to be honest. I only went along with it cause I didn’t want to eat lunch in the cafeteria.”

Dr. Lamb smiled and responded with:

“Ok, just don't do it again. If you really do get hungry, then please don't hesitate to just ask me for a sandwich. At the end of the day I usually end up having extras anyway.”

“Yeah… Sure, I'll remember to ask,” I replied. My eyes shifted over to the wall clock, but unfortunately I still had about 15 minutes before the bell rang and I could finally get outta here. Why can't the hours fly by when you want them to?

“Jenny?”

My attention focused back on Dr. Lamb.

“Yes ma'am?”

“I'd like to just ask something. On your first day, when Trent and his friends were trying to take money from you, you know you could've-”

Ugh, here we go.

“Could've what? Run off to find faculty or a prefect instead of hitting Trent? I ran to the office right after anyway, the Bullies decided to escalate things, not me. I actually gave him a warning before I actually got physical too! He decided to ignore it,” I knew exactly where Lamb had been going with her sentence because I'd heard the same thing a million times, from men and women of all kinds. From the people that were supposed to stop this kind of crap before it happened. It's bullshit, it's always been grade A bullshit. I didn't want to think Gary was right about her, but this definitely wasn't helping.

Hey God! If you're real, why do you keep pulling this stuff on me? Give me a friggin’ break! What the hell did I ever do to you anyway?

Lamb frowned, and her response felt the same as my rant about the lunchroom from earlier, except this time I was the one who decided to change the topic. 

My thoughts went back to the framed photo on her desk, and curiosity got a hold of me.

“Who's that woman in the photo with you and your daughter? Is that a family friend or something?”

She looked at the photo as well.

“Oh her? That’s my girl-” Dr.Lamb suddenly stammered a bit, seemingly correcting herself, “R-roommate! She’s my roommate. W-we co-parent.”

A few awkward minutes passed before I nodded and said:

“Whatever you say ma'am,” I told her with a bored tone in my voice. 

I figured that was the only way to sort of brush off the fact that I actually knew what she meant. It was clearly a secret she wanted to keep to herself, I guess to keep her job, which was a reason I could understand. Not sure why she even wanted to work at Bullworth though, given its reputation. Maybe it was the only work she could get?

But even if she was a jerk, I don’t think I'd tell anybody about it, even out of spite.

Mercifully, the bell finally rang and with only a wave I left the room.

Not exactly polite, but I wasn’t in the mood to stay around.

As I made my way out into the hallway of the second floor, a familiar voice called out.

“Hey, Jenny!” 

I turned my head in the direction of the voice, and it turned out to be Pete, walking over to me with what looked like a book bag slung over his shoulder. As he got a bit closer I noticed his hair was slightly damp, like he’d taken a shower recently. Either that, or he’d been on the receiving end of a swirly. Gary mentioned that happening to Pete a lot.

“Hey Pete, what up?” I replied back as he stopped in front of me, barely looking eye-to-eye - I was a bit shorter than him, which certainly said something about my height since Pete barely stood taller than some of the younger kids around here - as he picked at his right ear. Must've been a bit waterlogged.

“Gary wanted me to tell you that after the next class is over, he wants you to go to the library and meet up with Algie. Apparently he needs to get to his locker in order to return some library books.”

“He can't do it himself? Also, why did Gary send you off to tell me, couldn't he have told me this himself?” 

OK, right after saying that, I realized it sounded a bit rude, like I would've preferred talking to Gary instead of Pete. But instead of mulling over it I just waited for Pete to answer.

Pete sighed before explaining.

“Algie is terrified of going into the main school building after dinner is over. The Prefects start patrolling the school grounds since that’s where everybody else is while the rest of the faculty either hang out in the Teacher’s lounge, stay in their classrooms to work on whatever or they leave campus for the day. It basically means the Bullies have free reign of the building until about 8 PM when the janitor locks the building up.”

“Ok, yeah that makes sense, but why couldn't he just tell me this? I mean, he did tell me about Algie needing help when we were in town the other day…” Granted, I could only vaguely remember that. It's a good idea that I'd been reminded at all. But again, why couldn't Gary do it?

Pete looked at me in confusion.

“Y-you guys went into town? Did… anyone else tag along with you two or..?”

“Uh, no. It was just me and him, why?” Pete looked at me weirdly, and suddenly I realized where his thoughts were going, “Get your head out of the gutter Pete.”

Pete put his hands up defensively.

“Hold up, I didn't mean to imply you guys were doing anything like that, I just thought- Oh forget it,” he went to the back of his head, only to suddenly jerk his hand away with a look of disgust. 

Ah, ok it definitely was a swirly then. Poor guy.

…Hopefully he remembers to flush his ears out, toilet water induced ear infections weren't pleasant to deal with…

…So I've heard anyway, typically from the people whose heads I'd shoved in the toilet. Not without reason, of course.

Pete continued talking, changing the topic and giving me the answer to my question. 

“Anyway… the reason Gary couldn't just tell you in person is because the school elections are finishing up, so he's a bit busy with that. Head Boy responsibilities basically.”

I shrugged. I suppose that made sense. He certainly hadn't shut up about how he was the Head Boy and all that jazz during the tour around the school. In my opinion, it was one of those dumb school titles that people overstated the importance of.

…I guess it did have the benefit of avoiding serious repercussions for playing hooky, though. Especially if you were already brown-nosing the Headmaster beforehand.

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Anyway, I gotta get to class, see you around,” I turned to leave, already checked out of all the noise going on around me.

I thought I could hear Pete say something else, like he was trying to get my attention again. 

But to me? He might as well not have been there at all.

[alki-studio]

HxH manga rebinding! (vol. 1)

(project master post here)

Let me just start this off with that from my 7 years of experience bookbinding, a LOT went wrong with this project. Like, almost everything that could've went wrong. It is not to my usual standard of work, though I tried to make up for errors where I could.

Nonetheless, I'm doing this for practice and to document my progress, so here's how it went!

⍔ (More final pics at the end) ⍔

I absolutely adore the cover of the first volume as-is. It's really great graphically: the palette pops and gives a clear hierarchy to information in different areas, the illustration of Gon on the frog is super cute, it's overall just fun.

My first design decision was to retain the green/yellow/red color palette. I don't think I've ever done anything with these colors, I don't really gravitate towards them, so I definitely wanted to keep them in the design.

I didn't have a piece of leather large enough in any of these colors-- all the leather I use is industry scraps and remnants, so I don't really purchase full hides. So, I had to get creative with it:

I did have enough of this laurel green leather to cover a front and back board, but I'd need to hide the seam along the spine. I also have this really cool tie silk jacquard, I want to guess it's from the 80's (I got it for a dollar at a flea market). Technically I'm using the backside of this stuff, but I like it better because of how vibrant the colors are. I only need a thin strip for the spine, so I cut out a matching green, yellow, and orange section.

Here are some reject cover material contenders: different leathers, vintage kimono silk, and snakeskin!

I didn't want to just copy the cover for the board design, so I looked at the panels for some inspiration. My favorite panel from volume 1 is actually of the tunnel from the Hunter exam (left), but since this is the first volume, I really wanted to pay homage to this being the beginning of Gon's journey. So, I included this panel of Whale Island (right), along with a wave pattern.

Here's the design I sketched out, and it carved into chipboard:

Normally I'd just sketch directly onto the chipboard I'm carving, but I wanted to have a template to use for gold foiling. This is my first attempt at doing so; I don't actually have the proper tools for traditional hot stamping, so I'm using a hot foil pen (video on the tool/technique).

First mistake: Trying to brute force the original cover off the block. Lesson: Use a heat gun.

Removing the text block from the original softcover was pretty straightforward, except I originally tried to get the cover off the block by gentle tearing/cutting away at the original glue, which resulted in me just destroying the attached page anyway. This volume doesn't give you many "junk" pages to sacrifice, so it meant I'd have to glue my end paper onto the last page of the volume D:

For the other cover, I hit it with a heat gun for a few seconds, and it peeled right off.

Here's a progress shot of attaching the leather to the boards, smooth sailing there:

Second mistake: Not backing fabric with Heat n' Bond Lesson: Always make bookcloth properly

I have made my own bookcloth before (video on how to do it), and really, truly, know better than to apply liquid glue to fabric. Nonetheless, I was stupid and did it anyway. I even diluted the glue with water, thinking that would mitigate the effects of glue seepage? It didn't. My spine fabric lost all its vibrancy and was just an ugly, goopy mess.

Before I attached the board and spine to the block and endpapers, I added the foiling. At first, that came out pretty well, but then I lost patience, and started freehanding Whale Island on the back.

Third mistake: Not sticking to the template Lesson: Stick to the fucking template (and start saving for a CNC)

The drawing itself was fine, so normally this wouldn't be an issue, but because I have Whale Island sitting on top of a raised embossed silhouette, it was painfully obvious that my drawing wasn't in the position or scale it was supposed to be. My freehand lettering also leaves something to be desired, though I don't think the template would have helped a lot with this either. Honestly, for a position-sensitive blind transfer for lettering like this, using a CNC like a Cricut or Silhouette would be best. This might be my push to finally invest in one?

The endpapers are actually paper I had marbled myself, a while back, and met the green/yellow criteria. Attaching those to the block went smoothly, though I had to slightly glue over the panels at the back of the volume T^T... I used some of the spine fabric for head/endbands as well. It's... pretty ugly up close. Glue seepage, and the next mistake.

Fourth mistake: Gluing the entire fucking block upside down Lesson: Anything but that

The cosmetic mistakes on the cover this book are pretty forgivable, but the inside is a genuinely disgusting mess. I was working on getting this done before a friend came over, and was pretty happy to get the block glued in and the whole thing in the press before she arrived. I decided to take it out of the press show her when she arrived, only to realize I HAD GLUED THE BLOCK UPSIDE DOWN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I tried to remove the block nicely, but the glue was already half dry and tacky and it was an awful awful mess, and I was already SO DONE with the project. So, I just cut the block out along the middle of the endpaper, and stepped away for the evening.

I really wanted to use the marbled paper I made, and I had no scraps to use over the seam where I had to flip the block, so I had to find a complimentary alternative. I just used some chiyogami, with, once again, green/yellow/red. Slapped that on the seam. Probably could've done a better job with it.

I had been saving the original covers, and wanted to incorporate them, so I decided to use them as sort of bookmark pages? Not sure how to call it, but like how hardcovers with a paper cover will have those folded flaps on the inside usually with an about or review section.

As for the cosmetic fixes:

First thing I did was properly make bookcloth with the sliver of extra silk in the right colorway that I had, and glued that over the lumpy fucked up original spine. It's not perfect by any means, but it's definitely a lot better.

When I started writing this, I had only done gold foil on the covers. But as I was looking back at early design process photos, I remember how much I wanted to incorporate the red into the design, which mine was absent of. So, I started to accent Gon and the frog with red paint.

It looked absolutely horrifying.

So I kept painting, and painting, and painting, trying to make it look good, and it was 4AM and I was tired, and I'm used to oil paint so I forgot you can't just leave ugly globs of paint wherever and wipe them up later, and it just kept looking worse and worse.

I got jumpscared by this monstrosity this morning:

Don't paint while tired!!

I tried to salvage my awful paint job the next day, and kept adding more colors and paint into the design until I had ended up just repainting the original cover. I didn't get the lettering perfect or anything, but I got it to a presentable point at least. I really wanted to make some semblance of a re-interpretation of the original illustration, but oh well, the painted version was a necessary fix.

It's not perfect by any means, (honestly, it's not even good either), but I did what I could, and I'm ready to move onto the next project. Here's the final pictures!

Thank you for reading this far! Please leave a comment with any thoughts or suggestions, they really encourage me to keep going :D

[charlie-ver]

yeah so I do not visit the sea often, right. But I do believe to have thalassophobia. Because of my fucking dreams.

I have slept for 3 hours and one of my many dreams was the following:

A delivery guy showed up at my place. We had cars in the front, so the people from the house went to part them next to the house while I hung back in yard, poking around. Somehow I was instructed to remove a pile of dirt. (At this point I discovered I may have not been me but some fallen angel? I made a lot of sarcastic comments about god in the way someone would talk about their neglectful parent. I believe this is just my binge watching of Lucifer showing up.)

Anyway, so I went to remove the dirt with someone else. We discovered that there were huge ass ants, like size-of-your-palm ants, so we left it alone. I think one then bit me because I became "connected to All Nature" (my words in-dream) and suddenly I am looking at the grass but the grass is a view over an underwater cliff, into a trench. I can recognize I am rather deep, because the trench if filled with blue-black. There's barely any light.

And then I see an enormous shape emerging. It's like a whale, but much much bigger and the snout (?) is lot more rounded. A leviathan, if you will. And then I hear it wail "Come.... Closer...."

And that's when I woke up, in absolute panic, which only happens when I dream or something scary, gross, shoking or when I die.

I've always been rather uncomfortable with depths - even in the pool - which is why I deeply dislike those huge pool complexes with many many pools and many of them having big drop-offs. "Deep ends" I suppose. I don't like the thought of swimming at sea because of the thought of being Eaten. (Not that I can swim? I learned but dropped it as soon as my gender related body issues emerged.)

So maybe I do have some absolute terror about this. Maybe it was a manifestation of the Call of the Void, which is something I experience very regularly. Either way, I have not had a dream that has left me briefly panic for a while, so maybe I have some form of Thalassophobia even though I no longer interact with large bodies of water nor do I observe them. But I believe that it is a rather rational fear - there are big, scary things deep down. How do we know there isn't something bigger? We don't. Sure, it would have to be something that never surfaces and likely something denser than water so it doesn't resurface after it dies, and the deep ocean would have to be able to provide it with enough calories to live, but that isn't exactly absolutely impossible, is it? When I say leviathan, I just mean something eluded to us. I don't mean a fantastical deep sea dragon, I just mean a huge animal that can survive it's entire life in the very depths and which sinks when it dies.

But, don't take me seriously. I have have and art hs degree and will be starting my bachelor education in English next month. I am not a man of science.

[suga-tonin]

seomies

available on ao3 - other works

word count: 5k. fluff. gen & gn!reader. in the seom! au but they're in the city!.

summary: made in a lab by two mad scientists, the seven seomies have never been outside of their controlled environment. in a strange turn of events involving a flying purple whale, a former war captain cat, and a pair of very stinky shoes, the seomies find themselves saddled with taking care of a Giant - or is it the other way around?

warnings: does stinky shoe cabinet count?

Yeonjun is the cutest neighbor in all of Seoul, you're sure of it. The child's parents are your real neighbors, of course, but Yeonjun is the one you spend the most time with, as he’s the one you babysit when his parents want an occasional date night or need to work late at their respective offices. You don't mind, as your evenings are usually free anyways, and the extra money doesn't hurt either. Hearing that his family was moving to America was the saddest news you'd heard that week, with your manager denying your time off request coming in a close second.

You're walking Yeonjun back from the park, the final playdate the two of you will likely ever have. His parents texted to let you know the movers had just taken the last of their boxes not too long ago, so you were good to come back from the park. Yeonjun trots along beside you, clutching his favorite stuffed purple whale as you lead him through Seoul’s steel and concrete.

“Did you have fun today?” You ask him, and he beams up at you.

“Yeah, lots of fun!” His grin quickly turns into a pout, though, as he looks back down at his whale. “I wish you could come with us to America.”

“Aww, you’re so sweet, Jjunie,” you say, patting his head as the two of you come to a stop at a crosswalk. “I’ll miss you, too. But I’m sure there are many new friends waiting for you in America! And you’ll have your mom and your dad, right?”

Yeonjun nods, “and my whale!”

“That’s right, and your whale.” 

The two of you make your way across the street and continue back to your apartment building when Yeonjun drops his toy. He gasps and lets go of your hand to pick it up when the door of the building in front of you bursts open.

You hurriedly pull Yeonjun out of the way as a tall, thin man in a lab coat stalks out, muttering angrily about ... socks? He's followed by a shorter man in glasses, both of them now arguing in the street as passersby walk around them and Yeonjun dusts off his whale.

"Yuck," he says, shaking it through the air, "there are bugs on my whale!"

You look at the ground where the whale was, but there don't appear to be any bugs crawling around. "Maybe it was just some dust," you tell him, taking him by the hand again to lead him away from the arguing men (scientists?). "Here, mind if I take a look?"

A closer look at the whale reveals no bugs, but you dust it off nevertheless and hand it back to its young owner. "I think the bugs are all gone now, thank you!" Yeonjun says, beaming up at you.

"Sure thing," you smile, patting his head. The rest of the walk back home is without further incident, and both of you fail to notice the seven tiny creatures hanging on for dear life to your shoelaces.

To the naked eye, the Seomies don't seem like much. Under a microscope, they also don't seem like much. No taller than a very small pinky finger, they are creatures with large heads and small, wide bodies. They can see like humans do, hear like humans do, and touch things and move them about like humans do, just with much smaller strength. They certainly speak a language, but their voices are too high pitched for humans to figure out what that it might be. It could be a known human language, or a tongue entirely their own - all the humans can hear are high-pitched seomseomseomseom -s, hence their name. From observations, they seem to eat, sleep, and drink the same way humans do, but make no waste. Their lifestyles, if left alone in controlled environments, seem to mimic pastoral ones.

Unfortunately for everyone, your apartment is not a controlled environment.

After saying your final goodbyes to your neighbors, you retreat to your own apartment and leave your shoes by the door, as you normally would. For you, however, this means you tuck them away in the cabinets, too busy greeting your cat to notice the Seomies clinging to the laces.

The Seomies, meanwhile, have been plunged into darkness after soaring through incomprehensible heights. Also, something stinks.

"Hyung?" Jimin is the first to break the silence. "Where are we?"

"I don't know," Jin responds, "but something in here stinks."

Through the small sliver of light coming through the cracks between the cabinet doors, RM surmises that there is some semblance of solid ground beneath them. Eventually, all seven of their group have let go of the shoe and are standing on the shelf (although Hobi did take some coaxing). Now to figure out what to do next ...

The answer comes in with the light - your cat, ever eager for treats, has pawed the cabinet door open in search of the treat bag. Instead, he's met with seven tiny creatures. Two of them scream, three of them jump back, another clings to one of the screamers, and the last bares his teeth and lets out a tiny growl.

The cat regards them with curiosity. These are not his treats, and they probably wouldn't taste very good. Perhaps it's worth a try, still?

All seven Seomies scramble backwards as the cat tries to take a bite. "Get back," Hobi squeaks, "go away!"

The cat pauses, tilting his head to one side. While humans can't understand the Seomies, certain other creatures can - not that the scientists would know this, because their controlled environments have yet to introduce other creatures to the Seomies, like cats. "Who are you?" The cat asks.

This prompts seven more screams.

"Relax," the cat rolls his eyes, "I won't eat you. I don't think you would taste very good, anyways. My name is Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers, but you can call me Baby Cat like my human does."

"I'm Taehyung!"

"And my name is Jimin!"

Taehyung and Jimin are the first to introduce themselves, bowing politely to Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers. The others are quick to follow, now reassured they won't meet their doom by becoming cat food.

"Hm," the cat hums, "well, a pleasure to meet you all. You wouldn't happen to know where my human is hiding my treats, would you?"

"Kitty! Dinner!"

"Ah, dinner! Coming!" The cat turns away from the Seomies and scurries away, following the call of his dinner bowl.

"Dinner ..." Jungkook stares after Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers longingly, clutching his stomach.

"We didn't even get lunch today," Taehyung pouts.

"I'm sure there's food around here somewhere," Hobi says, but he sounds rather uncertain.

Yoongi opens his mouth and lets out a yawn. Before he can say anything, though, the Seomies hear a voice approaching.

"Oh, cat, did you leave this open?" You walk towards the front entrance to close the cupboard door as your cat mashes his face into his food, offering no response.

"Scatter," Namjoon hisses, and the Seomies move away from the light before they are plunged into near darkness once more.

They stay like that, crouched against unseen walls and clinging to each other, as unfamiliar apartment routines sound out from beyond their dark cupboard. Eventually, Yoongi nods off on Jin's shoulder, and Jimin and Taehyung start playing a game of I Spy where all they spy is darkness and the answers are just the dark versions of things they saw in the cupboard before the door got closed on them for a second time - the walls, the Giant's shoes, the Giant's shoelaces, the Giant's other shoes ....

Then the cupboard door opens again, and the Seomies (minus Jin, whose shoulder is being slept on by Yoongi, and minus Yoongi, who is sleeping on Jin's shoulder) scramble up to meet Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers. The space behind him is dark now, too, but the moonlight must be coming in from somewhere.

"Sorry it took so long for me to return," Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers says, "my human wanted to trim my claws before she went to sleep. Anyways, where were we?"

"You're a cat, right?" Jungkook asks, inching forward towards the edge of the shelf.

"Of course," Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers sniffs, "what else would I be?"

"Can I pet your fur? I heard it's very soft - I read about it in a Giant's book once! Please?" Jungkook widens his eyes and pouts cutely in a way that had always convinced the scientists to give him an extra dumpling or another couple of chips (always to share with his hyungs, of course - he couldn't possibly eat it all himself).

"Of course my fur is soft! And I suppose I could allow a few pets," the cat says, "here, there's always a spot right here where my human can never quite reach - pet that bit, Jungkook."

With a giggle, Jungkook hops off the shelf to the terrified cries of Namjoon and Jimin before landing in the cat's soft fur. He climbs up to the spot the cat had pointed to and starts using his hands to smooth down the fur there. "Ooh, fluffy!"

"Me too, me too!" Without waiting, Taehyung also hops down onto the cat before turning back to the others. "Jiminie, come on!"

"We can go together, Jiminie," Hoseok says, turning to offer Jimin his hand and a brave smile. Down below, Taehyung is now on his back and making snow angels in the cat's fur. Next to them, Namjoon and Jin exchange a look.

"You guys should go," Jin says, "maybe he'll take you to some food. Yoongi and I will stay here."

"Hyung, are you sure?"

"It's safe here, minus the stink. Besides, Yoongi is sleeping. Just bring some food back for us." Jin waves them off.

"We'll be back," Jimin says, "don't worry!"

"Yeah, yeah, now hurry up before one of them pulls out that cat's hair," Jin tells them.

Hoseok and Jimin jump together, Namjoon following not long after. The cat lets out a soft "oof" at all the added weight, then turns as best he can to look at the four of them (he can't see Jungkook, who is petting the back of his head).

"Oh, you're here too," Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers says, "well, shall I give you the grand tour?"

"Yes, please," Jimin says, and then they all scream and hold tight as the cat begins to move without warning. Jungkook scrambles up to the top of the cat's head and screams in delight.

"Well, you already know the foyer, and here is the mirror my human and I admire ourselves in every day," the cat says. The mirror is across the way from the open cupboard.

"Hey, we can see Jin hyung!"

"Jin hyung, look!"

Jin turns his head and looks, finding them waving at him through the mirror. He smiles and waves back.

The cat takes them through the living room, with a great big soft something called a "couch", great for lounging, and a large black "TV" where his human plays boring dramas, droning news channels, and fascinating bird videos. Next is the kitchen, with the cat's food and water bowls, and there, on the counter, is a box of cookies and a box of cereal.

"How do we get up there?" Jungkook asks Namjoon.

"Well, I just jump," Sir Captain Lightfoot Longwhiskers offers.

"But you're a cat, and your legs are longer than ours," Jimin tells him.

“Hm, I suppose you’re right,” the cat says as they all eye the food thoughtfully. Taehyung tilts his head to the side to try and get a better angle on the situation.

Strange bumps in the night wake you from sleep. 

Well, actually, the soft light coming through the window and your phone tell you it’s early morning - fifteen minutes before your last alarm is set to go off, as a matter of fact. You’re late.

Writing off the rustling coming from the living room as your cat causing mischief as usual, you race around the room, getting ready to scarf down a granola bar on your morning commute and praying that the trains won’t be packed.

Rushing through getting ready, you grab your bag and fling open the door to your living room - and then freeze.

An empty box of cookies lies open on the floor - the box of cookies that had been on the counter when you went to bed. Next to it is the box of cereal you forgot to put in the cupboard, it’s contents spilling out onto the floor as seven small … humans? Flesh-colored bugs? … creatures … stare up at you.

If it had been any other day (if you had woken up on time), you would have taken the time to stop and stare for longer, or maybe even scream. As it is, the image of your strict and unyielding manager’s face flashes in your mind to the tune of alarm bells, and you decide that the tiny intruders can probably wait. A glance at the clock confirms these suspicions.

“I’m late! You - I’ll deal with you later!” A stern finger points at the Seomies as it’s owner stalks over to the door, puts on a pair of shoes from the stinky cabinets, and leaves.

“How rude,” Jin frowns, “not even a good morning!”

Tiny humans

Microscopic humans

Small human clones

All of these searches and more yield no results. No matter how much you think about it, you can’t come up with any explanation for the sight you’d seen this morning. It’s clear the seven … creatures were the ones to eat the cookies and spill the cereal. For one crazy moment, you wonder if they would use your cat’s litterbox. But - no, you can’t afford to take care of any more pets, much less seven of them!

Needless to say, you don’t get much work done. As the elevator dings and lets you out into the hallway, you’ve half-convinced yourself that it was just a fever dream, or a sleep-induced hallucination, or your cat’s doing, somehow.

Slowly, you open the door to your apartment and peek inside. The light is on, and seven tiny heads turn in your direction from where they’re sitting on the coffee table.

Moving at a snail’s pace, you step inside and take off your shoes as the door swings shut. The … creatures stare back, watching your slow progress towards them. Your cat is lazily napping on the couch.

“Hello,” You try, giving them a small wave.

One of them squeaks back at you.

Well, this is going swimmingly. Still, you decide to make an effort - pulling out your phone, you open Papago and hold it out towards them. “Uhh, could you maybe … say that again?”

More squeaking, a small sigh, and then a few of their group is taking the phone out of your hands. You watch on in bewilderment, then amazement, as they start typing. Well, to be more accurate, they start squeaking at each other as a few of them all try to type at once, but then they figure out a system where they all have a section of the keyboard to press when directed by the one who you think must be their leader.

Hello

“Ah, yes, hello,” you tell them, waving again and getting seven tiny bows in return. “Well, I guess you can understand Korean, then. Um … right, so, how did you get into my apartment?”

This sets them off again, squeaking at you and each other as they all try to start typing at once. When that only results in a series of jumbled characters forming incomprehensible words, they seem to split off - two of them start acting out a very dramatic scene, while another starts squeaking at you. Three more are still arguing amongst themselves, and the last is (smartly) using this time to hop around your phone screen and spell out his version of the events.

As one of his friends starts running around the coffee table in what you can only guess is an imitation of an airplane, the little guy who’d been trying (unsuccessfully) to talk to you through squeaks suddenly stops. He starts to rub his tummy and stares up at you with a small, sad frown.

“Oh! Are you hungry?”

The little guy nods up at you as the rest of his friends stop what they are doing and gather near him, all seven pairs of eyes now looking at you.

“Um … well, I guess you can eat human foods?” This prompts seven small nods. “Have you had soup before?” More nodding. “Well, I was going to make ramen … can you eat that?” The most enthusiastic nods yet. “Okay, right - I’ll go make that, then.”

As the water begins to bubble on the stove, you wonder how to serve the little creatures their food. A bowl would be way too big for them … maybe a plate, and have seven small portions along the rim? Or give them singular noodles in plastic water bottle caps?

You notice that the creatures … or rather, tiny humans, had cleaned up the mess of spilt cereal and thrown the empty cookie box in the trash can. Right now, a couple of them are figuring out how the TV remote works, navigating through various channels while the others watch on. One of them, however, is climbing down to the floor on one of the legs. As you watch, he makes it to the ground and takes a moment to reorient himself, looking around before scurrying towards the kitchen - towards you.

The water has now reached the right temperature to add the ramen, so you’re forced to look away from the tiny guy’s journey to do that. When you look back, he’s made it to your feet.

He squeaks what you assume is a greeting and gives a small bow before pointing up.

“Ah, the ramen’s not quite done yet - ” he shakes his head, squeaks again, and points up more insistently. “... you want to go on the counter?” A small nod. “Oh, alright.”

You figure the best way to do this would be to carry him, so you crouch down and offer him your palm. He hops on, his weight small but sure, and you ferry him up to the counter.

“Be careful of the stove,” you warn him, and he nods and bows his thanks, climbing off your hand and beginning to look around the counter. You keep an eye on him as you add an egg to the ramen.

Like the rest of his friends, this one is of a very small stature - you think he might be even shorter than a yakult. His hair seems to be well-taken care of, dark and fluffy atop his head. He observes the olive oil and soy sauce bottles with a cute pout, head tilted to one side.

When the ramen smells like it’s done, you reach into a cabinet for a bowl (for yourself) and a plate (for your seven small invaders). As you close the cabinet, the little guy on the counter takes it upon himself to start pushing the plate over to the stove.

“Thank you,” you tell him, and he beams up at you in response.

The ramen is divided into the bowl and the plate. You use your chopsticks to bunch up seven roughly equal portions along the rim, and let your little helper sit on your shoulder as you turn off the stove, place the empty pot in the sink, and carry the plates to the coffee table.

Five little heads turn towards you. Wait, five?

Squeaking from the hallway catches your attention. The last of their group is riding towards you, seated atop your cat with the air of a general leading his troops into battle. Your cat is also holding something in his mouth.

The something appears to be a piece of paper. You put the bowls down on the table, a tickle running down your arm in the form of your small friend using it to return to the coffee table.

Along the top of the paper, there is what you suppose is meant to be a drawing of the seven of them, except the little artist’s depiction shows seven nearly identical figures. The only differences are the names written alongside each one - Taehyung, Jimin, Namjoon, Seokjin, Hoseok, Jungkook, Yoongi. There is also a drawing of two large faces, one with a rounded nose and one with pointy eyebrows. These are simply labeled #1 and #2.

Then there is a drawing of a rabbit standing on its hind legs, labeled Lee?, and some other creature, which you assume is a wolf, because it’s labeled Wolf?. Below these are a sneaker, with stink fumes coming off of it, captioned travel, and a cat, which you assume to be your cat based off of the markings. At the very bottom, tiny characters read, If you cannot find the lab, we will stay with you as long as you promise not to separate us, and to feed us properly (3 meals a day), and give us a comfortable place to sleep. We would also like to bathe, and watch TV sometimes because the singing show is very fun. -Taehyung

While you were looking over the paper, your cat has gone over to his water bowl while the tiny humans figure out how to turn the TV off instead of just lowering the volume. One of them is staring at you, and you assume he’s Taehyung. When he notices you looking at him, he waves.

“Hello … Taehyung?”

He nods and waves again, smiling this time.

“Right, um … thanks for this! It’ll be helpful … should we eat first, and then we can talk about all this?”

Taehyung, who has been eyeing the plate of noodles, nods again and goes to join his friends, who are already gathered around their plate. They chorus something at you and start to dig in - you assume their squeaks translate to “thank you for the meal”.

After everyone is done eating, you decide it’s time to get to the bottom of this. As cute and friendly as the seven invaders are, you’d like a bit more of an explanation than just their names.

“So,” you say, staring down at them. They stare back, your phone situated in front of them and open to the notes app. You hold up Taehyung’s paper. “This is you?”

They nod, and there is some shifting as they all arrange themselves in the order Taehyung drew them in. Their different colored shirts are quite useful in telling them apart, and you add that to the paper.

“Okay, okay … and who are these?” You point to the #1 and #2 faces.

The scientists, types the one in blue - Namjoon.

“Scientists?” They nod. “Okay … and these scientists are your friends?”

not friends!!!, types the one in black, taking over from Namjoon, they made us.

And Leebit and Wolfchan, Jungkook adds, using his hand to point to the Lee? and Wolf? drawings.

“... they made you,” you feel a headache coming on. “You were made by scientists? In a lab? Like the Powerpuff Girls?” They nod along to your questions but stop at the mention of the Powerpuff Girls. One of them makes a confused face and shrugs. What’s that?

“Right, right, okay,” you decide to skip over it for now, “the shoe. Why is the shoe here?”

It takes them a while to get their answer across, with Namjoon struggling to type as the rest of them seem to be giving him different versions of events. Meanwhile, Jimin and Taehyung are trying to act it out, but they’re not doing too good of a job, running around and making dramatic stinky faces while pointing towards their feet.

Finally, Namjoon turns the phone around. The scientists got into a fight and we fell down, but then we got picked up again but then there was a big shake and then we were on something stinky (your shoes) and we were moving a lot … and now we’re here.

“Right,” you repeat, thinking back to the other day with the two strange men in lab coats. Some things were starting to make sense, but … “do you have any way to contact the scientists?” They shake their heads. “So you can’t go back to them?” More head shaking, and Taehyung reaches for the phone.

Don’t wanna go!

You briefly consider just bringing them back to that street yourself, but it’s honestly a little out of your way now … not to mention, you’re not even sure which street it was, just the general direction.

Jimin adds, There is yummy food here … and you seem nice!

“Thank you,” you tell him, “but I’m not too sure about this … I don’t really know how to take care of you? And I’m definitely no scientist …”

Try it for a week, Jin types, and if it doesn’t work out we’ll go back to the scientists .

You shake seven tiny hands. “Deal.”

It’s definitely been more than a week, and the Seomies, as you’ve taken to calling them, are still with you, and you with them.

You’d like to think you’re friends now, although there’s not many people you can tell about them - everyone would think you’re nuts. Especially since you’ve discovered that the Seomies can do magic … or something close enough.

When Hoseok peers out the window and pouts sadly, the weather always clears up not too long after. When Yoongi sits close by the stove, whatever’s on to boil will heat up just a little faster. And any promise you make to Jimin - you’ll take them out to the park later, you’ll have movie night tomorrow, we can have kimchi stew for dinner - always comes true.

Or perhaps these are all just coincidences, and the seven lab-made Seomies are nothing more than itty-bitty versions of humans.

The Seomies themselves have discovered how to communicate with you … to a certain extent. Really, they’ve only managed your name, or something that sounds vaguely like it. A long, drawn out, high pitched Ahhhhh-meeeee means they’re calling for you, usually if your cat is too busy or too cat-like to help them with something they want. Which is another thing - they can commune with the cat.

You’ve bought them a dollhouse, complete with working stairs and doors, and enlisted the help of your neighbor, some sort of engineer named Sejin, to help give the dollhouse functioning lights and a working plumbing system. They don’t need toilets, but they do bathe sometimes and they also need to drink water - you suppose they turn all their food into energy before it can turn into waste, due to their size … or something like that. Again, not a scientist!

These days, it seems they spend most of their time watching music show videos on YouTube, having figured out how to use the TV now. A few of them also like to work through books, using their whole bodies to turn the pages.

You wonder sometimes about the friends Jungkook mentioned - Leebit, Wolfchan. You wonder about the scientists, and whether they’re looking for the Seomies. Jin once told you that their life in the lab was much less fun than their life here - there was no cat, was his first point. But his next two points were that their meals were always the same three things, and that their bed wasn’t really comfortable. Bed, singular, because they’d apparently shared one pillow as a bed, and scraps of sock as blankets.

A call from Taehyung jars you from your thoughts. Today is Saturday, and you had little plans other than to prevent the Seomies from getting into too much trouble, and maybe take them to grocery shop with you in your handbag, the one with little window-holes cut out for them.

Taehyung is pointing towards the front door. Someone is knocking.

You turn to make sure none of the Seomies are obviously visible before you open the door. Jungkook is peeking out from behind the corner, but he darts out of sight when you make eye contact with him.

“Hello,” smiles the woman standing in the hallway, “we’re your new neighbors! Say hello, Taehyun,” she prompts the small boy peeking out from behind her legs.

“Hello! I’m Taehyun,” chirps the boy, bowing to you. He’s got big brown eyes and is clutching a pink stuffed rabbit.

“We just moved in next door, and wanted to drop this off with you,” Taehyun’s mother says, holding out a wrapped plate to you.

“Oh, thank you,” you tell her, accepting the plate with a bow, “welcome to the building! Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you!”

Taehyun and his mother say their goodbyes, needing to finish moving in. You close the door and head back into your apartment, unwrapping the plate to find rice cakes.

Jungkook and Jin are already at the coffee table, ready to eat whatever Taehyun and his mom brought over. Jungkook puts his hands on his stomach and looks up at you with wide eyes, signaling that he’s hungry.

“We just had lunch not too long ago.”

He clasps his hands together and bats his lashes at you.

“Don’t worry, I’ll share. It’s rice cakes.” Setting the plate down, you go to see what the others are up to.

Yoongi is watching a music video with Hoseok and Namjoon. The three of them clamber onto your shoulder and you go back out into the hallway to find Jimin and Taehyung riding on your cat’s head. They wave up at you.

When you return to the living room, Jin’s cheeks are suspiciously full and he has powder from the rice cakes on his cheeks. He looks at you innocently, but it’s pretty easy to tell where the missing bite of rice cake has gone.

You cut off little pieces of the rice cake and hand them to the Seomies, and take a piece for yourself as well.

It’s definitely been an adjustment, welcoming the Seomies into your life. But you wouldn’t change it for the world, and you know there’s more to come with them. Life is always an adventure, you think to yourself as you watch the seven chew on their pieces of rice cake. Jimin smiles up at you and reaches his rice cake to toast with yours. Cheers!

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

rain and mint tea and rambles

Hi maggots. It's me, thinking thoughts, again. I do that far too often.

Monsoon has begun, I do believe. The stupefying heat wave broke to let water crash onto the soil, out of which puffs the scent of petrichor. Ever so often the heat builds in the day, but yields to a thunderstorm come nightfall. Perhaps it'll only last a few weeks, but I'm so glad anyway.

I made a mug of mint tea. By which I mean I dropped a teabag into hot water, in one of the five mugs Lina bought me. I was so delighted last night when the heat slowly revealed the images of a whale emoji, a photo of me edited with Crowley's eyes, and fanart of me that said happy birthday, maggot prince with the Spotify code of a playlist you all added songs to. It's been days since my birthday, but I still keep finding bits of love that you sent my way.

I love the playlist. It's as chaotic as we are. There's Cavetown and ABBA and Queen, Bollywood dance music and sad songs and rap, Taylor Swift and a Rickroll and silly songs and Disney soundtracks.

Everything looks different in the rain. The leaves lose their dusty shroud, glittering emerald and lime and quivering in the damp breeze. The light is quieter, softer, grey. It smells of life. The sky swirls with clouds like Van Gogh tried to make art but ran out of paint, with only the greyish paintwater left.

I'm sorry about all the DMs and asks I haven't replied to yet. I swear it's not because I care. It's because I care too much, I care so much that sometimes it overwhelms me. Please don't stop sending me asks because of that, though. I promise I do read them, even if it takes a while for me to reply. You aren't bothering me. You could never. I love you too much. Be as crazy as you like. It's me.

Weirdly enough, as I wrote that paragraph, Nothing New by Phoebe Bridgers and Taylor Swift played. "Are we only biding time 'til I lose your attention? And someone else lights up the room? People love an ingenue." "How do I go from growing up to breaking down? And I wake up in the middle of the night, it's like I can feel time moving. How can a person know everything at 18, and nothing at 22? Will you still want me, when I'm nothing new?"

It's difficult to believe I'm 20 now. That shouldn't be allowed. It's such a weird age, isn't it, 20? It's so, so young, it's so new, it's so terrifyingly timid.

I swear I knew more at 14 than I do now. I swear so many of you know so much more than I do. I don't know anything at all, most days. I don't know who I am. But you do. Thank you for bringing out not the best of me, not the worst of me, but the realest of me.

I love you. I got into art school, by the way. Life is not going the way I expected it to. And the horrors persist, trapping me in my dreams, suffocating me the way a pillow never could. But then I wake up and I think about you, and that keeps me going.

Look at you, saving a guy, every single day. How insanely wonderful.

The rain has stilled. My brother will be pleased, he bought a ticket to go to a cricket match. I think I'll go for a drive with my mum and Roxie. She loves drives. She knows them as 'car byebyes'. She sits on my lap in the front seat and looks out the window, nose sniffing and getting excited whenever I say look, a bow-wow and a dog passes.

I'll scoot now. If this long letter landed up on your dash and messed it up, I really do apologise, I try not to tag these. If you read it this far, then wow, hi. I love you. If you skipped to the end, I love you. If you don't read this, I love you. I love you all, so much.

I hope you have the loveliest of days.

I'll see you soon, maggots of mine.

[alfalfascouting]

The youtube auto-transcript struggles with the audio quality, and so too will many listeners, I imagine. And not having found any other transcript of this speech, I have endeavored to write my own, even though I know nothing about Don Quixote. I hope it helps anyway. Corrections on who he asks to give him his sword are welcome. Transcript follows:

By contrast: How do you sell to people at the bottom end of the scale? How do you even tell them that your game exists? Advertise on nightly news? I mean, these people don't read any of the regular magazines, they don't log onto CompuServe every 35 minutes, they're—These people, the way they buy games, they wander into the computer store once a year to get a new ribbon for their dot matrix printer. They get lost in the store and they stumble into the games section. And they say, "Oh gosh! Computer games, that's right. You know, I haven't played a game, in, ah, 2 years! Maybe I oughta buy one. Let's see. Oh look! Here's a pretty box! 'Harpoon!' That's a—(drowned out by crowd laughing)—I think I'll buy it. I'll bet it's about whales." How do you sell to these people!?

You know, and these people here—(holds hand high)—these are the ones you sell to because they tell you what they want. Designing for the bottom crap—(throws hands down)—it's hit or miss. You spend a half a million dollars on a game, if they don't like it, they won't even tell you they don't like it; they just won't buy it. But these people—(holds hand high)—Boy, try to stop them from telling you. They'll send you letters. They'll fill out the feedback form, send you email. They'll call you up in the middle of the night to tell you what's wrong with your game and how to make it better. These people! (holds hand high) Boy, it's easy to figure out what they want.

And what do they want? They want more depth. Yeah. They've invested a lot of money and a lot of time climbing that ladder. And they don't want to throw away that investment. They don't want to start all over on a new ladder. They want to keep climbing the ladder. They want to go higher and higher. They want more depth in their games. And think about how that compares to my dream. 'Cause I want to encompass the broad range of human experience and emotion. (holds his arms wide) What I want is breadth. (raises one hand high) What the customers want is depth. I am at cross purposes with my audience. And there's only one conclusion I can draw.

I have to leave. I don't fit in here anymore.

Now, I realize that's, ah… That's kinda strange. But you know, many years ago, I left the crowded cities of the eastern seaboard, fought cross the Appalachian mountains and came upon the virgin forests of Kentucky. There, I built myself a cabin and I hunted the dragon. I wasn't very good back then. I only bumped into him at night by chance. And then my encounters with him were brief and desperate; I'd wave my sword frantically and hear his claws hissing through the air, and then he would be gone. And I was learning. It was fun.

And then more people came. Hearty pioneers, they built cabins near mine. And pretty soon we had a lot of cabins. Pretty soon we had a village there with lots of houses. And then more people came until now… now we have a town. With stores, and people being busy, and streets, and property lines, and lawyers and…! This place has gotten too damn civilized for me.

I mean… I just don't fit in. So I hoist my backpack onto my shoulders and I walk down the main street one last time. I wave goodbye to a few old friends, but most of the faces I see belong to strangers. They look askance at me and turn to their neighbor and say, "Who is that scruffy old tramp anyway? I'm glad he's leaving town. We don't need his kind in our town."

At the edge of town I turn and look back one last time. It's a good town. I'm proud of the role I played in its creation. But out there, west, beyond the Mississippi, beyond the Great Plains, lays Rocky Mountain. There're no people there. Just rocks. Trees. Clear blue skies. And the dragon, he's there too. Waiting for me.

I can hear you saying, "Chris! This is crazy. I mean, you don't want to leave all this behind. You've got too much invested here. This is insanity!" And you know… You're right. (audience laughs) This is crazy. But let me tell you about another crazy old fool. Let me tell you about a guy by the name of Don Quixote de la Mancha.

You know, insanity is an inability to come to terms with reality. Don Quixote was definitely insane because he couldn't come to terms. But there was a reason. The reality in which Don Quixote lived was a sordid and ugly reality. The people were scrabbling for survival. Don Quixote didn't want that. He wanted to live in a world where there was truth and human dignity. And yeah, love. And try as he might, he couldn't accommodate that in the real world. Other people were able to compromise enough to reach an accommodation, but Don Quixote, for him, the gap was too great. He couldn't bridge it.

So instead of getting up on it, he imposed his reality on the real world. Where other people saw a filthy country hostel, he saw a castle. Where other people saw a flock of sheep, he saw a mighty army. Where other people saw a windmill, he saw a dragon. Yeah. Don Quixote was a crazy old fool. And you know, he was more honest about his dreams than most people. And for that, I honor him.

So, the time has come for me to make my commitment. I have committed myself. I have dedicated myself to the pursuit of the dragon. And having made that commitment, having decided that once and for all, now, all of a sudden, I can see him. There he is, right in front of me. As clear as day.

"I never thought that I would see you this clearly. I always saw you in brief glimpses in the dark. But now, now… You're so much bigger than I ever imagined! I'm not so sure I like this. I mean, yes, you're glorious and beautiful, but, you're ugly too. Your breath reeks of death. No, I… I never had a childish fantasy of conquering you. That thinking is for children. You're beyond that. Indeed I can see, stretched around your feet, the bodies of my predecessors. And all you have to show for it is a few nicks and scratches! But do you have to laugh at me that way? Am I so pitiful that you can sneer in my face like that? Yeah! Yeah, you frighten me! You hurt me! I felt your claws ripping through my soul! But I'm going to die someday, and before I can do that, I've got to fight you, eyeball to eyeball. I've got to look you right in the eye and see what's inside. But I'm not good enough to do that yet! I'm not experienced enough. So I'm going to have to start learning. Today. Here. Now. Come, dragon! I will fight you. Sancho Panza, my sword!"

(he draws a sword)

For truth! For beauty! For art! CHAAAAARGE! CHAAAARGE!!

(applause)

Finale of Chris Crawford’s Dragon Speech at GDC 1992

(Fun fact: Sid Meier is in the audience, seen in the bottom right corner  around 8:52)

[stargazeraldroth]

Food Fantasy fandom, what is happening with the newer Food Souls? This is a genuine question. Why do so many of them focus on things to do with reality and whatnot? What is the Unreachable Realm and why is it owned by a couple of Food Souls? Like this is quoted from the Food Fantasy Fandom Wiki for the Lightless Forest, “They have created a Sacred Realm by using the artifact, Magatama, which is to let Food Souls in the Reality of Sakurajima live carefreely”

What the hell does that mean??? Why is reality suddenly becoming such a big part of the lore??? I know the global server hasn’t gotten any main story updates (someone on the wiki said it’s because the English publisher isn’t bothering to translate/update because it won’t get them any money, which explains a lot about this game’s downfall), but seriously where the actual hell is all of this stuff coming from??? And Pesto Pasta is out here breaking the fourth wall and being self-aware that he’s in a video game, like-

Sir I am just trying to cook my recipes and raise my children, I am not trying to confront the philosophy of this game’s world.

[commander-orca]

Fanfiction: Bloomed through the withers

Chapter: 1/1

Status: Completed

Tags: Rochalizo X Suoh, kid!Suoh, kid!Tokusa, teen!Tokusa, teen!Suoh, teen!Rochalizo, brief Tokusa X Suoh, brief Suoh X Tonoko, a journey about Suoh growing up basically, angst, loneliness, emotional distanciation, homophobia, internalised homophobia, sexism, the two are often linked anyway, I don't think the Mud Whale people are that prejudiced but I like it for the angst, first kiss, first time, happy end, time skips, death anxiety, craving intimacy, touch deprived, sex deprived, sex, handjobs, dysfunctional erections

Note: I think it's the fourth fic I do on them & honestly I'm still loving it as much, I intend to write more. I'm sooo happy this idea has come to fructition cause I've been dragging it for many months w/ me but I never got the time. Uni is tough. Hope y'all like it :)

༻Suoh POV beginning༺

"So have you found him yet?"

"Not yet!"

"It's not like his hair helps..."

It was another morning of pale streaks of lights, the flapping of sheets that flew in the warm east-wind and the cries of seagulls. It could have been just us that were awake, playing hide and seek in the garden, enjoying the coolness of the air and the soft humidity of the trees while the sun still lowered on the shore. Us, a group of children whose frantic energy knew no bounds but whose laughs were still disciplined by the older ones with us. We began laughing heartily and under their gazes, stifled them in hushed tones. They were conscious not to wake up the rest of the island but gladly devoted themselves to having fun with us, while we were careless and didn't learn.

I hid behind a palm tree, peeking every so often from my spot to watch my friend struggle to keep in place in the nearby bush. My eyes closed in amusement. The littles had tried too hard to find the ultimate hideout. I knew I'd have stood no chance at tag but waiting for a long time in silence I could easily do. The moss that grew on the tree melted with my hair and even if it wasn't such a sophisticated spot, it was a sustainable position. A shadow flickered over me and I tensed, cutting my breath short, waiting for it to pass. It ignored me and walked to the bush to get the other kid; it was obvious, the bush trembled so much. I heard a scream of disappointment and then I knew only me was missing.

"Come out Suoh!", called a familiar voice.

I smiled and pressed harder against the bark. I wouldn't let them get me so easily.

"You win... I give up, I'll never find you, genius".

I kept silent, feeling the leaves brush my cheeks and I felt some tickling on my skin as some ant was probably going up my arm now but I was determined.

"If you get out now... I'll make you fly again! You know, now that I've grown more muscles, I can send you up to the moon and back! And I bet you could a see a star from up close..."

"Wait, really??"

My voice echoed in the little forest and I immediately smashed my hand against my mouth. I couldn't help but blurt it out. The footsteps came closer and slowly circled my hideout.

"Even with such a nice hint, you still can't be found... Ah, this is so frustrating... Hmm..."

I took deep breaths, giving away no signs of presence, my fingers still parted on my open mouth. My eyes traced loops from right to left, but I coudn't turn around now for they were too close and if I did, my back would brush against the leaves in the bush. Eventually, the sounds came right behind me and I felt a hand touch my back.

"Found ya!"

I screamed, taken by surprise but my scream immediately followed with laughter as the person who'd found me dragged me out and lifted me up in their arms.

"There you are, you little prankster!"

At that time, Tokusa was around 8, which was 3 years older than me. We'd known each other for a long time, grew up together. He'd felt like an older brother to me, other times acted more like a mentor. I giggled and shrieked, trapped in his arms while he swung me around affectionately. I put my hand against his, his hands quite big next to mine and pulled his shirt a little, my eyes now filled with hope and curiosity.

"Is it true you can make me fly to the moon?"

Tokusa laughed and shook his head, now eyeing a very obvious pout on me.

"You lied?! No fairrrr... You're mean..."

He used his spare hand to tickle my side and I was giggling again. As I started huddling against it, he stopped to ruffle my hair and I babbled happily. I absolutely adored when he did that. The others were of the opinion that he spoiled me too much but it all had come from him who was a cuddler in nature.

"It's not really lying if that's my objective! I'm gonna do so many push-ups and one day I'll be able to launch you this far!"

I gazed at him with dreamy eyes and asked in my little reedy voice:

"And then you'll make me land on a cloud?"

Tokusa looked back into my eyes with a bold look.

"Yeah, promise. But for now, I can just make you fly a little, that's already good, no?"

"Yesss! Tokusa! Tokusa! Make me fly, pleaseeeee", I begged, raising my arms up excitedly.

He followed my command, carrying me by the armpits and lifted me up before him at arm's lenght. I was wiggling excitedly, waiting for him to put me up. Slowly, very slowly, he brought me above his head, watching as I writhed and peeped. He was teasing me with anticipation, knowing how much I loved the game. He brought me back, closer to his head to gather speed and then launched me into the air. I shouted in joy, feeling the air move around me in fast cold gushes and feeling free. He threw me up several more times and each time, my smile widened and I cried for more, more until Tokusa's arms would be too tired.

When he put me down after a while and curled me back up in his arms, I whined a little that it was over so soon but thanked him abundantly. He walked a few steps with me his arms and I think I fell asleep for a few minutes because I didn't hear his friends come around.

"Seriously?? You're still with Suoh?"

"We were playing a game!"

"I know but you're always with him. Come a bit with us".

They left and I pretended I'd just woken up. Tokusa smiled down at me and put me down, telling me to go back to my house circle. I guessed he was telling me so that he could play with his friends and I wrapped my arms around his leg so he wouldn't go. He laughed and stroked my hair.

"I can't stay with you forever, I wanna do other things too, you know?"

Frustration welled me up and I started crying on his knee. He patted my back, knowing it was just a child's tantrum and that I was more sensitive than others, my emotions storming up whenever I felt the slighest bit hurt.

"What are those big crocodile tears? Hm? Here, it's gonna be okay".

He lifted me up again and huddled me against his shoulder, holding me tight. My tears dried a few moments after and I was back at hugging him joyously, having almost forgotten I'd been crying in the first place. He had began walking up the hill with me to bring me back home and he reminded me of that halfway. I pouted again but let him do it this time.

He left me at the door where two other friends waited for him. I jumped against him and hugged his leg again. I was letting him go only reluctantly. My affection for him was raging in me.

"I'm gonna marry you Tokusa!"

His two friends bursted out laughing.

"Why's he saying that?"

But Tokusa didn't mock it and just smiled.

As I grew up, we played even more often together. I loved that his game ideas were gentle and that he made sure to give me chances to win. I'd never known a parental figure; I'd been told that my parents had died shortly after my sister had been born and I believed that, being barely able to remember their faces, if only a vague souvenir of smiles and warmth. I didn't really miss them. Other Unmarked took good care of me and gave me all that I could've lacked, but overall, I never felt like it became the agent of my growth and fulfillment. I had Tokusa to thank for that. I'd always thought he was the first to guide me by the hand where I was too scared to go, the first to make me aware that kindness healed the world and to teach me how to weaponise it for myself and others.

He and I were like family when I was young. He'd be the first I'd come to for advice and he'd make me laugh when I got needlessly anxious about the little things of life. My love for him was strong and his for me seemingly endless. But I realise now that I'd idealised our relationship. I must have been an annoyingly needy kid a few times. I found myself always in his arms, clinging to him. I admired him greatly and his voice and good mood soothed everything. I was 9 by then and I'd not made any friends, something that was a little difficult for me due to my shyness.

"Go play with your friends Suoh! See, they're waiting for you", Tokusa urged me to do, gesticulating at an invisible person, while I clutched to his chest, implicitly asking for more cuddles.

"I don't want to playyy...", I'd say but he knew to interpret this as me being too intimidated to play with others.

He sighed and kept me rocking me a little, giving me what warmth and safety I wanted. Something in me felt whole when he touched me and protected me. I wanted this to be my place forever. And selfishly, for Tokusa to never find any sweetheart so he could keep fondling me.

It'd been acceptable when I was a small child that I would always want him to hug me and carry me. I imagine Tokusa spoiled me and the others let us because they thought it was simply the temporary and usual spoiling of a child who'd grow out of it. But I wasn't growing out of it and people had started to talk. Some children gave me weird looks sometimes; some had started to get bolder, bossier and asked me why it was that I never hung up with anyone my age and spent all the time in another boy's arms who was not my family.

Soon, Tokusa who was athletic and brave got selected for the army training. I was happy for him; I couldn't have seen anyone else so competent take on that role but I didn't get to spend as much time with him because he trained a lot and it bummed me out. By the end of the day, he came back exhausted and my own duties had started to get bigger too as I'd been asked to work in the infirmary a little because fevers had increased this season. I missed our moments cruelly but got somehow used to it with some resignation and when I did get to see him throughout the day, I rushed to him and didn't let go of his hand. Whenever he was on break, I would spend it with him, coaxing his arm or holding him, listening to his new adventures. And I knew he genuinely liked to be with me and found me cute. But people's silent criticism swole around us the more days passed and I thought perhaps that I'd imagined it. But paying attention, I could see some whispering, others pointing their fingers at me discreetly.

One time, Tokusa came to see me personally at the infirmary. I was preparing a rheumatism ointment, helped by an older Unmarked. My smile hit the highs when I saw him get in there and waved giddily, asking if he needed anything. But Tokusa turned to the girl whom I assisted instead and asked if he could borrow me a second. Being in the army, it was hard to refuse anything to its members and so he got his wish granted and we both walked out. I jumped into his arms and asked him if this was a plan to be sneaking out. But he wasn't reciprocating my joy and I then got down from his arms and waited until he told me what bothered him.

"Look Suoh, I... love you very much okay? But there's a thing I need to say..."

I waited patiently. I didn't think it could be that bad.

"People are saying you're a bit too clingy with me. And I agree. I love giving you hugs but I think it's a bit too much what you ask you know? I'll keep giving them to you because it makes me happy to see you happy. It's just that they say it may be getting in the way of you making some friends, so perhaps you could ask for a little less? And try to spend some time with other children?"

Once again, frustration filled me up and I retorted I knew some siblings who were equally clingy with each other. I said that he and I were like siblings. But the moment I said those words, they immediately felt very wrong and I fell silent.

He explained the problem to me in a very gentle way, careful not to make me sad. He said he wanted me to make other friends my age and become a healthy and sociable little kid who didn't get scared of others. That one single person could rarely ever satisfy us in life. I nodded and said I understood. He looked for any signs of me being sad but as I looked fine, he smiled at me, said he would see me tomorrow and waved goodbye. I walked back in the infirmary and performed my tasks pretty badly until noon, unfocused, my mind swarmed with confusion. And eventually, a realisation came to me. I'd been thinking so much about Tokusa that I'd not cared about much else. I felt like having binge-read a big fascinating book and having come to the end, rediscovering the outside world and not knowing how to apprehend it again. I realised I might have been obsessed with Tokusa and that perhaps it'd made him uncomfortable. But it still made me angry that I had to moderate my affection; being with Tokusa had always made me feel this warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach and I could find it in no one else.

From then, I tried to follow his advice and mixed in more with my peers. It was hard at first. To everyone, I was the kid who hurt himself all the time and didn't have many opinions of his own, or none that he voiced out loud anyway. To those I formed bonds with, I was the pushy kid who got very upset for every injustice he saw, including the criteria for games. I was also the one who worried about his sister dying when she was only 6 and ran around the village, testing weird theories for weirder cures, folding my little hands to avoid crying.

I formed bonds with a handful, sympathising a minimum and though those bonds never turned out as close as the ones I had with Tokusa, and though I started to understand I'd always somehow feel more in tune with people older than me, I began to feel a little happier that children my age made space for me and accepted me. It made me recognise that I'd inflicted this rejection onto myself like a self fulfilled prophecy. But still acknowledging that, I felt somewhat different from them. Besides, the physical care and attention I would give them as a form for my affection would always go unnoticed or ignored on purpose. A silent message of 'boys don't really do that' perhaps. I gave up on being affectionate to my male friends since it made them uneasy and made me feel needlessly needy. With the girl friends that I'd recently made, I found out that some of them didn't mind the affection, but it strangely didn't make me feel the same spark. I still saw Tokusa a lot.

In the middle of August on that year, the kids would ran through the gardens and hills, challenging each other to a race. The island had seen some of its hottest days and as due to the heat, elders and young adults had preferred to keep inside during the day, most of their offsprings had grown bored to death and in need of a distraction. There had been better ideas than the one than the one that was running in the sun wearing no headdress, yet kids were at their liveliest at that age, especially in this country, so would our elders tell us. The thought might not have crossed our minds fully fledged but we all had parents, siblings and acquaintances who didn't appear as energised as they had been before their thirties, so we all took that as truth and never held back.

The race had begun as a one-on-one competition; the runners would start off from the weathercock house where the grass took root, sprint through the meadow and between the tiled mud of the vegetable gardens, the bamboo bushes and around the sand fountain, to finish at that spot where grass eventually ceded ground to sand. The decided track would often be hurriedly neglected as all the sour losers would haggle over the end mark in a jolly hubbub of whines that swallowed temporarily the buzzing of grasshoppers. The to-be-runners' legs shook from excitement and adrenaline. All very thrilled as we were, it was a cruel thing to ask that they would all patiently wait for our turns, although my knees were covered in band aids.

By the fourth race, two other kids joined and hustled through, screaming. By the fifth race, everyone was running down. We had needed no common agreement, sign, noise or nod; when the kid whistled and launched the race, we all rushed off to the end of the slope. Kids collided into each other, moved their arms around in whirls, giggling, all in a mess of shouts, messy hair and sweat. Those from behind raced those in front and we squealed in a reaction that was fun mixed with mild panic. When the last person who I'd heard breathing heavily behind my back finally caught up with me and got ahead, I realised with a peek over my shoulder that I was the last.

Among the children a few were my age, some a little older, some a little younger but in broad terms, most of us were between 8 and 10. Despite quite an age gap with some, they all ran faster than me. Having bad stamina, I was always the one lingering behind, stopping to catch my breath, to soothe a leg cramp or a stitch in my side. I stopped at half the half of the track, the air hot in my swollen throat and tried to adjust my breathing. As I was bending forward, palms on thighs, I heard a cry, obviously directed at me which had begun to approach; someone calling me from afar. A boy was sprinting in a straight line towards me, waving, and soon, he was standing before me, his skin red and damp, looking not the slightest out of breath.

His cacao hair and friendly face called to mind a few familiar talks we'd exchanged – probably not a talk that I'd have found meaningful but the kind that was fun and left you with the sensation that you'd let yourself off the hook. His name was Tonoko and he wasn't a part of my children circle, where I slept, had meals and hung the sheets with four other kids who, like me, had lost their parents because they were Marked but I knew he also lived in one. Since the circles were like a household, we were bound to some duties and regularly spent time with our bedfellows, thus becoming generally close to those first. But the Mud Whale was also a big family and it was a general feeling that we all wished to get to know each other better and get along. For some other reason, somewhat he intrigued me and this week, I'd often found myself engaging conversation even though I didn't like that he kept pattering about rock-climbing on the Elders' gathering room. And he had seemed to like me as well, although he couldn't wrap his mind around my distaste for loud games and my awkwardness after a while around his many friends.

He said he had been looking for me, that he was sure I'd still be scampering about up here and asked if I had fallen, if I was feeling okay. Nodding, I told him that I was and he impatiently but kindly waited for me to take three more deep breaths before handing over his hand. He had come fetch me to take me to the place where the others were. When I gave him my hand, he grasped it firmly, as though wanting to make sure he would guide me to the end point safe and sound. I definitely wasn't the shiest one, nor the crybaby of the group, but I think some of the boys acted protective towards me. His hand was moist and rough but I still liked the feeling of it in my hand. On the path, I expressed my gratitude to him that he'd come fetch me, happy that people cared enough to want me around despite my low physical abilities and relieved that we would be walking there, which meant my heart would be getting some rest. But before I knew it my heart hadn't slowed down and as long as Tonoko kept pulling me by the hand, I felt my cheeks burn all the way down to the clearing. I thought about that hand in mine when we initiated the next game, when some of the kids got heat strokes, when we went to eat in the evening, and as I went to sleep.

We saw each other the next day, Tonoko walking by the spot where I was picking mushrooms for soup. I got very shy for the first time of my life, wiggling the basket around my hips, and barely knew what to talk about despite wanting to. He took it as me being my usual self and we sat in the grass against the lime tree whose roots grew close to the Belly, each of us forgetting our tasks to chat excitedly about the next children game. Mid-talk, I interrupted him to point at a spider bouncing in his hair and he screamed, almost cried, begged me altogether to take it off. I was laughing, amused at that he would fear something so small while he kept writhing. His constant agitation moved the spider to his neck and by that time, he was a complete mess as I tried to catch it with my hands. When I got rid of it and swore, to his demand, that I had done so, he hugged me very tight and whispered his thanks into my ear. Something burst in my stomach when I felt his head against mine, like a swarm of fireflies, and I thought it was weird enough that I felt so uncomfortable the more we got closer in our friendship. He backed off, oblivious to my sudden giddiness and turmoil, changed the topic and we went our separate ways, running away in opposite directions when we got caught by a counselor.

I'd been excited for this; I couldn't say I was friendless. I'd been befriended by many and knew who to spend the good times with, like this certain group of girls I joined on evenings to play with them and their dolls since two weeks. But I sensed in this friendship with Tonoko a special closeness that I'd never experienced. Most kids loved that I was pretty quiet and non-troublesome, because they had someone to ask for advice when they'd fought with their best friends and I was always glad to help, thinking it'd bring us closer, taking pride in that I never caused fights and deemed myself a good friend for that. But in the end, those who had fought would come even closer and they wouldn't share any more than the little they'd already shared with me. I knew myself appreciated but often felt like a discardable card in a deck when fun was the only requirement. In that aspect, I thought I'd found myself a new friend that would hear my secrets and have fun around me.

“You're not cool, but I like that you're not trying to be”, he had told me, talking me into climbing the lowest part of a rock he sat on, a few days later. I'd asked what he meant by that, a bit bummed because I'd have wanted to be cool too. Tonoko told me his friends cared more about being liked without the effort than than doing kind things and ending up being liked for them, as I was doing, from his point of view. I'd prepared to hear something I didn't like but turned out flattered and I gave him a little smile. He then asked if I was coming or not and I beat around the bush for a while, trying to hide that I was scared but he then extended his arms out. He managed to carry me up there and I stumbled on my knees, landing on his chest. Tonoko made sure to secure me with his hands on the sides of my body because I had two left feet and he was well aware. All this touching and him reacting with laughter to me, saying I was cute made me feel strangely euphoric and mellow. When I looked back at him, he asked me why I was blushing so much and I could only shrug coyly. A bird sang in the distance and, reminded of something, he ruffled my hair gently and said it made him happy that he could protect me. He held me in his arms to carry me down and by that time, I was glad he didn't stick around because I'd begun shivering a little.

More weeks passed and I didn't know what it was that he did to me, but I'd think of spending all my time with him, yet had begun avoiding him a little. I would walk in on him playing a game of tag with his friends and he would run up to me and touch my shoulder playfully, give me a bright smile that made my insides squirm and wrap an arm around my shoulder, opting me in. Would we play ball, we'd have a few passes and as I'd distractingly throw all of them at him, he'd come mess with my hair with a hard hand and tell me to let others play too. I pretended to have forgotten just so he could come up and touch my hair again. I didn't know why I did that. When we'd be alone, I would find it hard to breathe next to him, unable to stop my thoughts from rushing, fiddling anxiously when we argued about something I normally wouldn't have second-thought, yet feeling incredibly merry when he complimented me. It was odd how I didn't really take into account his opinion of me until recently, believing we were too different for each of us to have fitting expectations of each other. Yet, Tonoko's praises had come to mean the world to me and I shocked myself, pondering throughout the day more often that I wished to admit how well he'd think I was doing while executing any chore of the day.

The breaking point was when he sneaked into my room once at night, because we'd made big plans together; to eat the whole of our candy stock together hidden under the covers in case my bedfellows would worry or call an adult. We climbed into my bed and stifled our cackles into the sheets. He would always tell the best jokes and I wondered, a little envious, how convenient of an ability it must be, to find something worth of a joke in everything. But I also liked that I couldn't do it myself because he was there to make me laugh. We played hand games for hours, barely able to tell which sign the other did in the dark and pulled each other's hair mercilessly each time we thought one of us was up for a little cheating. All the while we ate sweet things until our teeth hurt and we felt like puking. We lay down to sleep when the first lights poured out of the curtains and his head had begun to hurt too. I had eaten so much sugar that I couldn't sleep so I poked him a bit. Tonoko complained, half asleep and tried to grab me by the armpits with his eyes closed but it was my waist that fell into his hands. I froze, feeling my body react to his hands with warmth and chills. He apologised, removed his hands and joked around that my armpits had suddenly dropped way lower. My mind had gone blank and hadn't understood why but all I did for the rest of the night was getting closer, inch by inch so that his hands would brush against my waist again by accident – one that would be carefully planned. I made it happen thrice and the sensation that flowed through my body felt both delightful and forbidden. With a smile in his voice, he told me to back off gently after the first time. After the second time, he got a little annoyed and asked me what was wrong with me. On the third time, he pushed me away hard and asked if I was doing it on purpose, said with anger in his voice that he would push me off the bed if I did it again. I couldn't possibly reply and was too ashamed to. We fell asleep.

Tonoko was gone when I woke up and I felt both sad and relieved. I sat in bed for some time, my covers wrapped around my body and the sides of my head and watched the rain fall on the village. I watched it for a long time as it wetted the gardens, darkened the sand walls and greyed the sky. Basking in the smells of rain and humidity absentmindedly, I rubbed my cold fingertips against my freezing toes and listened to the sound of water gurgle down the gutter and land in little splashes. I began cradling myself a little, to soothe what I was feeling. I didn't know myself what exactly was this hurt in my chest. Dark clouds were swarming above my head and the last few voices that I could hear outside disappeared indoors. I had liked to think that staring at the storm would make me come up with an explanation to what was wrong with me. But I'm pretty sure it didn't help at all. The only thing I achieved on that day was to remember what would always come after it rained, what tradition of ours would always follow after the rain. The stress and discomfort I felt from picturing myself in that imminent situation twisted my throat and the sobs popped in my closed mouth until they were so big I let them out and cried.

My bedfellows didn't understand. They had heard the ruckus my friend and I had done but had been really nice in that they wouldn't be telling on us. When they found me crying in bed, they worried about me, but I knew I was a good liar and pretexting a fever and a huge stomachache from the candies was enough to have them believe me. I spent the day in bed at their care; I was brought soup, fruit salads, honey tea from the infirmary and a few comfort plushies. I thanked them all for their consideration and felt even worse to be deceiving them like this and abusing of their kindness. Before going to bed, they sat down on my covers and mentionned tomorrow's onsen. At its mention, I felt my heart beat anxiously like it had earlier and tried to divert their attention to something else but as some of them had been excited for me to go with them, there was no way around it. I let myself be convinced too easily, not knowing how I could avoid such an important cultural rite for our island if I'd already let shown that it was merely a negligible cold.

Although highly unwilling, I still found myself standing in front of the male onsen fitting rooms. The towel I held in my hand was wet with the sweat on my hands and I was looking around, praying for a distraction. I came in with my bedfellows who patted my back in support, thinking I still felt a bit feeble. Since we were kids, people didn't mind us stripping down and walking around in the cabin naked before going to the bath. They didn't mind us either when we'd run around naked in the rain or after the weekly showers during the summer. We had kids' bodies and nobody including us cared that our bodies were revealed, it was only skin, it had only ever been what we were made of, what protected us, what warmed us. But I think that as I undressed, I felt shame regarding my body for the very first time. Suddenly, I didn't feel like walking up there in the nude and taking the risk that people's gaze could be on my body, even for a few seconds. My body had been doing unpredictable things to me recently and had reacted in ways that I'd never known before and it made my chest cramp at the fact that I would be going there, exposing my weird reactions for everyone to see without the reassuring protection of clothes. I'd stripped down completely but still hid behind my towel, hoping to delay as much as possible the moment where I'd be letting it go. However, getting in the water, I realised that, since we were a bit late, almost no one payed attention to us. My bedfellows walked in a place where the water went up to our middle and we settled there, exchanging jokes. Sometimes, a grown-up or a teen would come and greet us. It didn't feel so bad, I thought to myself, thinking I'd dramatised everything and beginning to relax. But I knew he would come around eventually and he did, choosing the moment where I felt most comfortable to swim by. He didn't see me immediately but I did, and my cramping resumed. My eyes slid on him and those thoughts of touching skin I'd been trying to repress took over. I'd never looked at anyone like that. And I felt even more ashamed that I was in front of so many people. Everything in me burned as I watched Tonoko swim and stared at the way his shoulders rolled and the water on him dripped. As soon as he saw me, he started swimming in my direction. I panicked and went as fast as I could to the exit.

Why are you avoiding me?, was a question that he asked me a few days later, having noticed I had put up many tricks as not to see him. I had overslept, taken different paths than the one I'd normally take, pretended I wasn't home or busy with something, made any invitation of his being declined by my bedfellows. He had finally cornered me as I'd tried to walk as fast as I could, coming back from the fields but had tripped on the way and hurt my knee. I didn't look at him. I didn't know what to say. He asked me to talk to him, said that I was being a weirdo. I apologised for the trouble but he got even angrier, asked if it was something that he did. He wasn't entirely wrong but I knew the problem was me and so I shook my head. It was when Tonoko kneeled down with me and confessed that he missed me that I knew I didn't want to lose him. I convinced myself that I could fight the urge and resist my body's reactions. Because his friendship was precious to me and I'd had tons of fun with him and we had shared secrets that had brought us closer. Eventually, I looked him in the eye, cooking half a lie and half a truth; I told him I'd been avoiding him because I thought he no longer wished to be my friend after what had happened. I lied that I'd only done what I did last night because I was cold and he had warm hands. Perhaps he was ready for whatever truth to get this issue over with, but I got him convinced on my first try.

I think I fully realised what was happening to me on that night. Tonoko and his friends fooled around with the clay mask that each of them wore on their faces alternatively. They chased each other with that ugly mask that represented the face of a monster from our tales and its deformed facial traits; a large pointy nose, big meaty lips, bloody eyes... He asked if I wanted to play and his friends complained that I'd fall too easily. I agreed with them and sat on the side, watching them, fearing I'd get bumped in if I joined and not knowing how to act anyway. I saw him take on the mask and run after them. When he caught one of his buddies, he acted like the boy was a prisoner and him the evil king of some land. The boy asked what he could do to get his freedom back and my friend, in his best monstrous voice, claimed he was a princess in disguise and needed a kiss from one of his assailants. The boy uttered an 'ew' sound and struggled a bit but by then, both of them were laughing and the others encouraging him. The boy winced and said he'd only ever do that above the mask, leaned in and pecked the monster on the lips. The playground filled with roaring laughter. The two of them backed off and wiped out their mouths, mimicking spitting sounds. Unbeknownst to me, my eyes had filled with water. Something in my thorax hurt and my legs twitched, trying to decide if I should go away. That stupid kiss replayed in front of my eyes again and again. Tonoko walked up to me, the mirth still on his face as he took off the mask and ask me if I needed anything. I chickened out and let him see my tears and my red eyes. I said it was the allergies and he didn't question it. He told me some kind words and dried my tears with his fingers.

He went back to the game and I home, frustrated, angry at myself and painfully lucid. My sister had friends who had the habit of falling in love with a different boy every week. Whenever love had struck them, they'd comment on the same things; wanting to be around them, wanting to make them happy, wanting to touch them, to kiss them and getting jealous when someone else was with them. I'd never thought about why falling in love with girls didn't interest me when male friends would try to awkwardly hang out with them. I got often envied for how I was able to befriend girls so easily, to talk to them which for me, didn't came up as an issue. I got teased too for saying I didn't want anything out of them. For saying there was nothing I wanted to do with girls about romance. Was this even possible I could have fallen in love with a boy? I could go on doubting for a long time but eventually my body didn't lie and if I'd felt all those things, even thought about kissing him, and wishing so strongly I'd been that boy who'd kissed the mask, then there was no doubt. Had it already happened to someone before? Had any boy here ever loved another boy? Or was I alone? I had many questions but didn't want to turn to anyone else. I thought I already knew how other people would react. I recalled too clearly the disgust in Tonoko's eyes. The disgust on everybody's face about the perspective.

I sat by myself in the afternoon, drowsing in the sun, watching other kids play again as I fiddled with my hair and dragged my slippers in the sand. I let out a little sigh, envious against my will. I was bitter that this new exciting friendship had caused me more exclusion than the desired opposite effect. Sat in the fresh shadows, some elders had begun staring at me; I could feel their gazes on me and overheard a few whispers as they rocked in their chairs and adjusted the covers on their laps. I'd not minded being alone as much as I felt now and I felt even miserable that others had chosen this moment to notice it, now that it weighed on me. I folded my hands and held tight.

As a consequence of our talk, I'd tried to act as natural as possible, despite it being difficult now that I was aware of my own feelings. This time, we sprawled in the flower field, telling each other stories and making up what we would be when we grow up. We had felt comfortable enough to sit close to each other, our shoulders touching. It was driving me crazy but I'd sworn I would not let that disturb me. Instead of focusing on my body sensations, I poured my energy into asking questions about his friends. We came to talk about how his friends viewed me and how they didn't understand why he hung up with me. I asked why and he said that they thought of me as a wimp and a mood downer. It gave me a lump in the throat and I started feeling low but Tonoko immediately followed with saying that he liked me because of my softness, because of the way I listened to people and also for my openness. I was touched and almost reached out for his hand but, knowing that would scare him off, I went for a small punch in the ribs. He laughed and said he really thought that. He added that spending time with me felt different than spending time with any other boy. That he sometimes felt like he wasn't with a boy but a girl. He said he liked it that way, that he loved our friendship very much.

Tonoko had meant it as a compliment but it'd made me feel worse than I'd ever felt and I went to bed feeling very confused about those words I'd just heard. Why didn't our friendship feel like he was friends with a boy? Because I had little body strength and preferred to play with the girls? Because I liked my hair long and felt happy when people went out of their ways to protect me? Because I cried easily? Come to think of it, most boys weren't like me, except perhaps for a few. He had sowed doubt in my mind and I began to ponder more and more. I went working in the fields and my sister stopped by to show off her new saimia skills. She could always tell when I was feeling down and hugged me tightly. I sighed and let my question slip, asking her if she thought I was a girl. She shook her head and asked me where I'd got that idea. “You're just a special boy”, she said to me. But far from calming my doubts, I kept asking myself what it meant even after she'd left. I didn't want to be a special boy. I was tired and sad of standing out. I wanted to have things in common with people and not be alone and have feelings that no one could accept. I didn't care about being special. I wanted to hold hands with that boy and pretending like he didn't make me flustered anytime we were together made me lose my mind. I came to the conclusion that, perhaps, people who didn't fit in had yet to find where they belonged to. That it was a sign that something in me needed to be fixed. No one was meant to be as alone as I felt.

By the end of the day, I sneaked into my sister's house circle to ask her some new questions about girls but no one was home. I sat around their table, thinking it would be no issue if I waited inside. I'd met and was friends with the most of the girls here. They liked to call me 'honey boy', a nickname that I imagined, emphasised that they thought of me as kind and respectful unlike some other boys in stories I'd heard. The house was often messy; I was guessing none of them here was really into cleaning or were just plain lazy. I could see shirts on the floor near their beds, socks and underwear escaping from the covers. Half of those girls were older than Sami, older than even I was, and had started wearing bras. I was sure some boys would have felt lucky to be in my place, but I walked there and picked up one of the bras for a completely different reason. It was a white sport bra which was shaped like a straight band. I passed it through my fingers, inspecting it closely. I looked around briefly; no one had come yet. Behind the beds was a space where the girls would look at themselves in a long shiny mirror. Hesitantly, I took out the mirror and held the bra against my chest over my shirt as though I was wearing it. I was trying to feel something but my reflection only stared at me stupidly. This was a reaction that I couldn't condone. At this point, I was convinced I had to feel something, like the pieces of something that had to click together. Removing my shirt, I put on the bra, borrowed two lemons that lay in the basket on the table and put them in. I also snatched a skirt from the cupboard of one of the girls and looked at myself again. The reflection that was sent back to me made me feel bubbly and excited. The skirt was pretty and made me feel like a colourful bird, the bra wasn't comfortable to wear and I didn't know how to feel about those two new bumps on my chest but I didn't hate it either. I undressed and hurriedly hid any traces of what I'd done but kept the clothes and the lemons. I promised myself that I'd work harder at the fields and would sew faster at the atelier to give them back what I'd taken. I hated that I'd stolen, but I thought i was onto something and that it was forgivable for the time it took me to realise this very something.

Further trouble came up the more often I'd try on the clothes and get into this play-pretend of being a girl. It made me feel better for a reason I couldn't quite place at first and I would take them everywhere with me in a little sack. When I got a moment to myself between the house chores and the gatherings, I'd seek to be alone to put them on and twirl around. It must've been this satisfaction I felt to know that with this appearance I could be like myself and not feel like an isolated case. In these clothes, I was allowed to have the thoughts I was having. I thought dressing up like this and picturing myself as a girl was the only way for me to turn into someone normal. I daydreamed of being able to walk in such garments outside, seen by the boy I liked and imagined that then, he would fall in love with me. My little joy lasted for a while and for a while, I was happy to look like what people thought I should have been born as. Until I got caught by one of the mayor's assistant.

Recently, I'd been asked to do tasks for her a lot since she'd noticed me walking around, looking bored and unhappy and thought a little work would make me feel better. I'd consented because I thought being busy would empty my mind but hadn't expected to like reading reports so much. And the mayor's assistant had seemed pleased with my work, had said I had a 'lovely handwriting' and a sensitivity that was a precious asset. She'd requested I worked on the last pages of the notebook of the archivist who was ill that morning. As she went out to have lunch, I tried on my little outfit, delighted because she had a clean mirror in her office. I foolishly thought I'd hear her coming but she walked in on me, saw me inspecting myself in front of the mirror, wearing the little skirt I'd stolen from my sister and this bra I'd proudly sewn by myself, the lemons I had in there dangling against my flat breasts. I didn't react in time to avoid the humiliation that was being seen like that. But the mayor's assistant was kind and didn't make fun of me like I thought she would. She sat down next me and asked me if I was playing a girl for a theatre play with other kids. I felt tired suddenly of all the lies and the hiding and her kindness made me confess half of everything. I told her that I thought I was a girl. She asked why I thought that. Bursting into tears, I replied it was that I was just so bad at being a boy.

Too fast, and too unexpectedly too, the boy whom I loved fell in love. With one of Sami's friend. It was tough that I knew the girl and was fairly close to her but even more that through Sami, I was told all about the latest lovebirds' moves, their awkward little flirting and their lovesick rants. Learning it first from her, then, by hanging out the next day with Tonoko, I learned from him that he loved the girl back. I tried my best to support him and promised with a sting in my heart that I would help him get together with her. But this conversation was utterly painful for me and I surprised myself a few times, acting cold while he told me all that he loved about her, being a little rude and too brief in my answers, letting him rant alone and pretend I didn't hear, which I never did usually, all too preoccupied with making people feel heard. I don't think he took offense in that hopefully, only pulled me by my ribbon a few times teasingly. I could bet he'd somewhat noticed something was a little off but probably didn't think it was bad enough to comment on it and still ran his hand through my hair to say goodbye and hugged me. I hugged onto him a few extra seconds, imagining it was me Tonoko held like his lovebird, feeling so full with jealousy and bitterness. He thanked me for being so supportive and swore with such a charming blink that he'd help me the same when I'd get my own first girlfriend. That I was like a little brother to him.

I hurt myself attempting to understand where I'd gone wrong and what I could've done in order for him to fall for me. Those thoughts of the things I'd not done enough and the things I'd done too much roamed my brain until late that night. Had my voice been a bit higher maybe it could've been... Had I dressed and laughed more like her, had I moved my hands differently, had I worn my ribbon on the side of my waist like the girls did... I knew appearance did much. But sometimes, the sole fact that you could make someone laugh and act outgoing and confident was enough to have them fall in love with you and I bet myself up, thinking I'd missed my chance while repeating to myself he could never love someone like me.

I'd never wanted to be a girl this much. What luck they had... To simply be born like they were and being able to kiss the people that they came to love. Being them was enough to be treated as a potential lover for boys, for boys to think about them lovingly and wish they could hold their hands not even knowing what their faces looked like. I realised I wanted all that the girls had. I wanted any of the boys' reactions the girls induced when they entered a room and they suddenly acted a bit shy and dorky around them. I wanted the boys' looks that they gave them, looking at their female counterparts' hairs and faces, their breasts and eyes. I was sick of boys greeting me with the little punch that was just friendly. I wanted boys to be soft and tender with me like other boys acted around girls. I wanted boys to kiss my cheeks like other boy friends recently had begun to do their girl friends.

Soon enough, I ditched that idea. The mayor assistant came over to talk to me a few times and we talked about what I'd told her that time she caught me in those clothes. She'd taken my issue quite seriously and comforted me when I'd need it; I was happy to be understood to some extent. I trusted her and felt confident enough to tell her eventually, what thoughts I'd had about boys. She looked surprised. I searched the disgust on her face and prepared to flee, but I never saw that emotion on her, only benevolence. She rubbed my back and confessed to me that I was not alone, that her grandpa had been 'one' too. She smiled before my sparkly eyes and as I'd asked if she knew anyone else that was or had been, she replied that she didn't know. I begged her not to tell anyone and she promised.

I'd also had dreams where I'd finally become a girl but none of this sounded like what I'd always wanted to become. Seeing myself with female breasts and hearing myself speak in a female voice, being called a 'she'... Not that all of this felt particularly wrong, although a little weird but the most important thing to me was that I liked being Suoh. There wasn't a single thing that I wished to change about myself. I didn't want the girls' breasts and larger hips. I just wished what the girls had by extension. I just wished the boys would love my body, not my body as a girl's. I didn't want to pretend I was anything else that I was, dreading already the heaps of lies and guilt that would come along with this. The morning that followed, I went again to play dolls with the girls. Their third storyline of the day included a wedding and as they pushed a woman and a man's straw dolls together to make them kiss, I stared at those two. It had become clearer from the outside. I'd wanted to be at the girl's place but was not one. Obviously. And although I thought it migtht've made my life easier, I let go of that idea, letting go in the same breath, the hope I'd nurtured to be normal.

The boy I liked finally got confessed to. The two lovebirds spent several days holding hands and eventually turned incompatible. I was the first one, told from him, about their breakup that went down as dramatically as any children's breakups of our age.

When I was around nine and a half, I kissed that boy. We sat there on the stone stairs of the great garden, our clothes brown and golden from the throws at the Sand Returns, our faces equally stained and pink from having laughed and gathered sand in our arms. We sat next to each other, his arm around my shoulder and he was taking off the sand in my hair, joking that I must be attracting it for there to be so much. With Tonoko's hands in my hair, almost gentle strokes and his face so close, I was getting flushy again. I wondered if he'd ever thought of bewaring about making boys fall in love with him, in the same way he'd not get too close to a girl he didn't like for that same reason. He pursued, shaking off my ponytail and I was giggling because his hands tickled my neck. When he stopped, I regretted not having enjoyed this moment more, unsure if there would be any more where I'd get as close to what I wanted without getting it.

I'd been getting worse over the last months, falling deeper, stupidly deeper in love for him. I'd been unable to move on, because I'd gotten addicted to this feeling of being completely smitten for him. Tonoko smiled and told me my face was reddish again. “You look very pretty with that face you know?”, he told me, watching me take on even more colours. I asked for a confirmation of his sincerity and he laughed it off, saying I went fishing for compliments. It hadn't been my intent but he ended up giving me the compliments he thought I wanted. He said he did admire my hardworking and selfless personality, but said that it was my face that he liked the most. That he often looked at it in awe because it made him restless from the charm.

My hands were shaking on knees not so static too; I'd wanted to hear those words all my life from a boy. Thinking I was seeing a sign that he might want me, I went in without a thought, cupped his cheek softly and landed a peck on his lips. This bubbly feeling was back in my chest, stronger, like a boiling tide, and my stomach pounced, capsized. I felt so warm, my loose clothes suddenly stuck and tightened around my skin, the sensation taking me to the highest skies. The kiss had stunned him and he didn't move at first, but after I kissed him a second time, he grabbed off my hand and backed off, a deep look of confusion and mild horror on his face. “What are you doing?!”, he asked me. This time, I met his eyes frightened bravely. I felt doom in my stomach because I could already tell what his answer would be, but the need to let it out was stronger and I told him I was in love with him. He stayed silent for a long time and then, he got closer to me again and cupped my face. I tensed up, shocked and all ready to believe I'd been mistaken, my heart beating fast already. But he looked at me sadly and said:

“It's unfair Suoh... Because, you're pretty like a girl... If you were one, I'd probably be madly in love with you... But you're a boy. It's impossible for me to feel that”.

I cried myself to sleep that night, replaying those words he had said to me and vividly seeing that face of his when he had uttered them.

I assume Tonoko didn't tell anyone because the looks of children on me didn't change the next day. I went to play with them, but didn't stay long; I didn't have the heart to be cheerful and thought I shouldn't be bringing down the mood with my own sadness. What I didn't earn in jests or odd looks, I did earn in an uncomfortable friendship falling to shreds and the feeling of the inescapable loneliness that I would never be loved or kissed.

Perhaps I clad myself in those feelings and began smiling less and less. I'd found working was efficient to keep the bad thoughts and this languidness that paralysed me so I started working relentlessly. I'd help at the infirmary, went back to the Mayor's assistant to provide assistance in her office and ploughed up the fields during the hottest hours, immerged myself into my research for finding a cure for the Marked. On the few occasions Tokusa was free, I'd come fetch him and spend some time in his arms, regenerating energy but I wouldn't confide in him; he looked busy and for the time that I was there with him, I preferred to talk of positive things and cuddle.

The adults figured out by then that I felt lonely and would come and talk to me. I liked talking to the Unmarked adults because they understood my passion for the Marked's lives and we shared a deep love and compassion for them. Our discussions revolved around how to make their lives easier and how to cherish them and I found it comforting that other people thought about them as profoundly as I did.

To Mayor Taisha in particular and to the elders, I once avowed to feeling anxious all the time about all those lives that were cut short way too early, that the feeling stuck to me like a bamboo shoot would to the ground. Mayor Taisha looked like she was about to say something but closed her mouth. It was an elderly woman that pressed my shoulder gently. "You're very mature for your age, Suoh. You'll make a very sensible and caring adult. I wish some of the kids would be as wise and as thoughtful as you", she said to me. But I thought that she was wrong, so wrong. That a hundred of other kids like me would drive each other crazy with boredom, stress and despair. But I never saw what else was wrong in that reasoning until late.

I was miserable and would've been in need of someone to tell me it was alright for me to act sillily, to speak foolishly and make mistakes. Someone to comfort me and tell me there was no need for me to be politically correct all the time because it made me stay in my head all the time and distanced me further from others. I also wish someone had told me that it was alright to have fun and live while the people still died. Because my researches failed many times; of course, I was just a child, I wasn't helped and didn't have the knowledge that I have now. But it made me hopeless and the more defeats, the more I started feeling responsible for those deaths, convincing myself of the impossible bet that if only I'd found something, a few people would still be alive by then. And a few handfuls of them wouldn't be grieving. For a time, I had death in my thoughts all the time. I didn't enjoy my time with my sister anymore; we ate together, she made a joke and I pictured her dead in that very kitchen seat. She showed me her headstands proudly and I'd ponder what I'd be feeling when she'd be sent away during the funeral ceremony, her body straight and rigid in that basket filled with flowers. She'd kiss my face and I thought of what I would say to commemorate her and what I would remember of her when she'd be gone and of how much I'd be able to cry, let alone how much crying I'd be allowed for her.

It was during this period of time, as I sank slowly into self-hatred, anxiousness and dread that I was called to the Elders' gathering room to be suggested as the new apprentice Mayor to Mayor Taisha. It surprised me a little because I'd always had this idea of a young, bright, energic and benevolent mayor and to all regards, I would not have described myself with those words these days. Although, perhaps that was what others saw in me after all, but deep inside, I felt rotten, depressed and old. So very older than my 12 years. I had to admit however, that I fitted their criteria particularly well by sounding as inoffensive as I looked.

I'm not entirely sure if my work as assistant Mayor distracted me from my thoughts or confronted me to them even more but by being directly involved in how the Marked's lives were going to change, I began to see things from another perspective. I suddenly saw bigger and my thoughts shifted to more optimistic views, imagining what decisions I could implement, what many researches I could lead and launch, how I could change life around the Mud Whale to give everyone as much happiness and love. That thought was the driving force to my renewed life strenght. Little by little, I traded my sullen looks and attitute behind for smiles, my old embroided blouses that were too small for me anyway for the Unmarked's clothing. Something in me understood that I would not help as long as I didn't feel like I was deserving the role.

Somewhere along the way, I'd been informed that the Mayor never married to devote themselves to the people. They weren't teaching me anything new (but it must have been a warning), for everyone on the Mud Whale knew that no mayors had never had a lover or a child. And as a consequence, everyone also knew better than to get too emotionally close to the mayor, as to not fall in love. Fulfilling that role was a lonely position. And I got reminded that when I'd took on the role, my already aching loneliness would double, as I knew I'd have to cut ties with my family and any people I considered important to me, swear to not cause any harm and reject love. As to not get distracted. My old self would've refused, convinced they would one day, form a family with the one he loved. My current self took on the role in full knowledge of the facts; this was a chimera and if I couldn't obtain what I wished for, then I assumed it was better to surround myself in outside laws stronger than my own will, so that I could withdraw from that dream once and for all.

A part of me that still hoped rebelled against that idea on some days I sat alone among all lovers and melancholically thought there might still be a boy for me somewhere, however wrong it might be. But I made sure to keep that unrealistic thought for only my darkest hours, to keep me from despairing and throwing it all away. The other parts of me, in utter conflict with the former, condemned a betrayal to the Marked and what I ought to have been doing for their sakes. That I must devote myself fully to them or resign from the position, which until now and that I knew, was still unheard of. I would so often come to other's help and point at unfairness around me, but never apply it for myself. Regarding that rule, my inner sense of injustice never awoke and I wonder how I managed to maintain for so long such a painful cognitive dissonance. But despite severely missing an embrace and some friendly chats, I think I was happy.

Only one issue came to trouble me, two years later, instilling more thoughts of revolt in my mind. The second wave of my puberty hit me and with it, the mess of hormones and mood changes. By that time, I'd already distanced myself from my sister, addressing her more formally than I used to, still talking whenever I saw her but trying not to implicate feelings and if she would hug me, I wouldn't reciprocate. I wasn't worried about keeping my distances with her; I was leaving her in good hands, with Chakuro. I also began taking my distances with Tokusa, who understood I didn't move apart from him with pleasure. With him, I didn't let any more touching happen, still smiled at him when we crossed paths and caught up on his life, but what had begun to be the premices of feelings of love for him, I repressed with all my strenght. With both of them I diverted myself away, little more day by day, not wanting it to appear too harsh a cut, I would've hurt too much. Or perhaps it did hurt more that way but I didn't listen much to my emotions these days. I thought I'd had more or less everything under control. But hormones rushed in to sabotage me; my first steps in puberty felt incomprehensible to me. I didn't know what was happening to my body and as I was the mayor, those pieces of information had been deemed useless to tell me. I would never make children, never find love, never need to use Mother nature's latest adjustments.

But if I repressed my feelings for Tokusa, far from growing disinterested in love and desire as I'd hoped, I'd now look alaramingly often at boys' bodies, which seemed to be changing quickly just like mine. I'd be 15 by now and my eyes would linger on them and it'd be enough sometimes to feel lust boil under my every ounce of skin. When that feeling reached me while I lay in bed in the middle of the night, it was in those moments that lust truly made me feel the weigh of that loneliness and this need for a word, a touch, a connection, anything. In those moments, I wondered if the lust wouldn't consume me alive and make me sick.

Yet, I kept going and worked hard, tirelessly cheerful and all disposed to scatter joy and keep unspoiled the general wellness of us all and our harmony. I was proud of how far I'd gone and how I'd learned to couple my intrinsic empathy to a more agreeable and sociable personality I'd perfected through toiling and slow-paced unrewarding efforts while cultivating a sense of peace within me. But that peace sure dissipated as soon as I was alone and I craved another human skin against mine, some lips, a hand on me... Young people were starting to get together and I walked around giving blessings, congratulations and wishing them the best, swallowing deep inside my throat a vociferous envy. However, as long as I kept investing exertion, sweat and tears into our peace, I believed it would one day, reach into me too.

And I kept living for the Marked as I had always done.

Until one ship came and went away with our peace.

I'd prepared many times for Sami's death, expecting to witness her slow decrease in energy as she'd enter her twenties. I'd not prepared for this. I'd imagined many times I would cry my eyes out, miss her so much I'd hurt and speak a few kind words before sending her away forever. But her death didn't earn a single tear off my eyes and worse, had to squeeze the feels out of me, so that I could once experience missing her. I mainly felt a sense of oddness, because I'd always strived to give her a good life and expanding her lifespan among others had been a goal of mine since I was a child, but my numbness and the distance I'd put between us these past years had made me stiff. For a life-long dream aborted so soon and , I knew I was devasted and would've felt it if I could, but inside me was only passiveness and void.

War times turned the system upside down and our emotions that had been under surveillance since as long I'd known, toned down and suppressed, finally broke free from their strings and exploded in the midst of the chaos and grief. Suddenly no one saw fit that we kept them inside for as long as insecurity would reign. And I felt bitter; now that letting go wasn't frowned upon, I didn't manage anymore. But if I wasn't able to process it, the pain of loss rekindled the fear of losing more loved ones. After Sami's death, I took comfort in talking to Chakuro; sharing with someone the same pain and knowing you were understood made the process a spot easier although I thought I knew he was troubled that he still hadn't seen me cry.

In the same breath, I became closer again with Tokusa, an outcome I initiated. I hadn't known where to start again after all these years and brought him into my office pretexting army duties. My feelings retrieved, it was as though they'd never stopped and simply put, had been left on hold for several years but once unfrozen, were found by me unchanged, or even stronger from the wish, chasing the moments I desired to catch up with. And because, since I'd been 12, I'd persisted in becoming a talkative, naturally always joyful and people-loving person for the role. But at core, I'd always been a very private person and the people I opened up myself to were there to stay, and no matter how much time would pass, I'd assume this connection between us, once acquired, was acquired for ever. I had such a hard time letting people in that I couldn't see myself doing it over again.

This urge of rekindling our bonds went to my head and I invited him to my office, pretending to want to talk to him as his Mayor and not his Suoh. After some obligated small talk, I strayed off the armed forces' topic and began repainting the past in my small room that for seconds, seemed to shift to the pace of my memories as I narrated them and brought us back, like we had been. Tokusa's face melted fondly at me, because as I'd asked later, he was seeing a very genuine smile he did not see me make a lot anymore. Seeing I did not mind, he pursued the conversation in a more familiar tone and I followed after him, delighted. We talked about what we'd accomplished for those five years during which we'd drifted apart, what new opinions we'd endorsed and what dreams we held now as a young adult and a late teenager. It never ceased me to amaze me, in the most achingly sinister way, how you could talk to someone every day and how for cause of superficial talk, you could still slip through all the glows and bursts of someone's life and never be informed of a part of it if there was something that you never asked.

It troubled my mood for an instant but I was back on my excitement and we shared more of our lives, laughed, joked around and told each other sweet things. Under the candlelights, we raised a toast (for me a small glass of alcohol and for him water) honouring all of our successes and how far we'd gone despite a path full of pitfalls. The more hours passed and the more I unwrapped the private things I'd been keeping to myself, swearing and firmly persuaded that I'd never confide them to anyone as long as I'd be alive. I think a fraction of what I entrustred to him made him feel greatly uneasy. But I was past the point of stopping and he must have done so to counterbalance the unreasonable: he also unveiled to me some of his deepest desires and misfortunes. I listened carefully, basking in his emotions, feeling my calculated empathy being dismantled from inside, welcoming in anew my natural messy and scattered empathy. It made me feel incredibly good to feel again without a filter and those barriers I'd be required to put between me and people. To feel the closeness of someone's secrets and trust and to be deemed reliable to keep them.

The confessions between us exhilarated me, the air had gotten hot and I floated on my chair more than I sat there, Tokusa barely letting me breathe between the little jokes and his endeared gazes. I slipped in a word to him that I'd missed that, my eyes veiled by the blinding lights and the fast beatings of my heart. He expressed the same, giving me this honeyed smile that I recognised emerging straight from the memories of my childhood, because I saw this smile in my dreams often. He moved his head a little forward towards me, from him emanating a softness that chilled my back bones, held my shaking gaze and said he was beyond relieved and happy to see me happy. I giggled a little, charmed. He also said that he'd often worried for me. My eyes locked into his, my mind blanking, feeling a little heat go up to my cheeks. He confessed he'd never stopped thinking about me, hiding that he'd secretly wished I'd never been chosen as Mayor so that we could have stayed as close as we had been the entire time.

I lowered my eyes a little, feeling something breaking into me as he pronounced those words, but witnessing at the same time a new stength heavily tainted in sorrow. Locking eyes again with him, I placed my hand above his on the table and slowly entwined no more than the tips of our fingers. He lowered his eyes on them. I held my breath and dared to press my hand a little more, my fingers brushing against more skin. Tokusa's eyes rolled back into mine and I gave him a heavy look, one that must have been filled lust. He had no idea just how he was looking so attractive to me right now; or actually I was finding out I'd always found him very seductive and charming. I was realising in this moment, I'd always been in love with him. The lights and tiredness made me feel dizzy but I was sure I'd had acted this way at any time of the day, just with much less confidence. I wanted him. What bits of sorrow still filled me up, I was desperate to kiss them away. My eyes lingered on Tokusa's lips but I was still waiting for a reaction on my hand on his and I looked back up at him. It took no longer than a second to decode his expression and my insides twisted in anxiety as I heard him exhale a long sigh. My thoughts cleared up and suddenly, everything in my head started rushing. I should've never done that. What had I just done...?

"So you really were like this all this time..."

I blinked, my mouth dry. The stress worming its way slowly into me and blending with my craving.

"Like this...?"

"Even as a child you'd act like that. I'd suspected it, I was almost sure but... To be proved right..."

He bit his lip, shaking his head.

"I don't feel what you feel, Suoh. I'm sorry", he said, the grim in his voice coarse, and after a short pause, gazing back insistantly at our fleshes touching, "Please, take away your hand".

The atmosphere had changed, embracing us in a heavy web of regrets. I felt the panic rising in me, my legs quivering. He wasn't looking at me with the same eyes, didn't lean towards me with the same closeness and it made my throat sting. I tried lying but stammered.

"Y-You're mistaken... I didn't mean—

"Suoh".

Tokusa's voice rang into the room, firm and clear, but also somewhat gentle.

"You can't lie to me. You've been doing that since you were three. And you never stopped. All that touching... "

We both breathed at the same time, having held it back, but I had been doing it in fear and him in indecisiveness.

"You can't keep on putting the moves on people and then disguise your love feelings as a platonic caring friendship as soon as they catch you doing that. And it's worse if you let them believe they're the crazy one. I'm seeing through you".

I'd started shaking and he lowered his voice a little, the sound of his voice a soft hum.

"All those hugs you gave me where you'd not let me go, those looks, all the times you held my hand... I don't blame you, you were a child. But it's not fair for you to enjoy touches from others while claiming you're their friend when you and I both know you're after something else".

"I— I wasn't using you. I really lo—... I— You were really dear to me! You really were! ... Still are..."

I was on the defensive, my voice husky and breaking, talking fast. At the other end of the table, Tokusa spoke calmly, composed.

"I know this, don't worry... You are dear to me too".

I fell silent. Tokusa searched for my eyes.

"It was alright for you to do when you were little. But you can't do that anymore. You can't touch people in that way and except them not to be angry..."

"Are you angry?", I blurted out.

"No", he said, looking at me in heartfelt sympathy. "I'm saying that some people will be upset by it. And above all else, people don't like to be fooled and when others play with their friendships. Please take away your hand, Suoh".

I took it away. He rose from his seat; he was taking his leave.

"We could not protect those who left us. Won't you try to hold on to your self-control and protect the traditions in memory of them?"

I'd lowered my head, ashamed of myself, not bearing to look at him anymore. My fingers were folded, digging into the skin as I waited for him to leave and let me alone. He bypassed around the table and came to ruffle my hair gently, like he'd always done, except this time, his hand stroked my hair thoroughly and slow, as though he tried to convey all of his compassion and affection in a few strokes. At that point, I felt tears wetting my corneas and had to swallow a sob.

"I love you like family, Suoh. I've always believed in you and even more now that you're my Mayor. But because you are, I need you to make the right choices. The people of the Mud Whale and I need you. We're just waiting for you to guide us".

Tokusa should have known not everthing would go in my favour by the sole condition that my people would believe in me. I was extremely inexperimented and nervous and still grieving the death of my sister. The attack on the Skylos, the very first attack I launched on our enemy as the Mayor of this island resulted in a massacre, killing more than three thirds of the fighters that I'd sent there to sink one of the main pieces of their fleet. I sent children there to die. I sent Tokusa to die too. I'd dreamt of making our island a happy, peaceful place for each of its citizens and of finding a cure to the curse of their short lives. Now the blood of dozens of those people tainted my hands.

Everything before his death became blurry and hard to recall. But I remembered the soft pets he did through my hair and how he hugged me tight when I tied the luck bracelet around his wrist as the fighters departed to Skylos. That stupid bracelet which was worth nothing and took away valuable time that could have been used to study the logistics of the attack more in-depht. I'd braided them thinking it would comfort the fighters just like I'd dived into a much needed delusion for my own comfort.

For his death, I cried a little more than I did for the death of my sister, often crying at night in bed as my advisers had just left me. That thought made me fall into loops of guilt where I regretted not having cried enough for Sami. I cried because I missed him and felt agonising frustration that we'd just been able to get close a week before his death. I also cried for the selfish reasons that I'd just lost a person whom I had loved with my full heart and knew now, that I would never find someone like him again. I cried because I missed his affections terribly. Then, for weeks, I felt numb again.

And when the weeks left out of breath, a submarine crossed through our currents, landed on these shores and an unexpected guest walked out of it. And from the day we met, I stopped expecting anything.

Apart from the children, not many people would sit on the stone garden stairs. It had been a cold day and Rochalizo and I had chatted there for a while, sharing funny stories, and tales of his little cultural shock here. In spite of what he said, he'd gotten used to living with us quite fast and it was getting hard to believe that he'd only been here for a couple of months. An only reminder to that, was our talks and how we got to know each other a little more every day, quite excited that we still had so much to discover from one another and that the number of those differences didn't wear off. We were so different that I'm not embarrassed to say I hated him sometimes. I, who avoided getting into arguments, found myself provoking them when he'd said something offensive I couldn't let slide in no way. He was rude, harsh and had terrible values but he piqued my interest; I wouldn't have wanted to stop talking anyway.

There was something with him that had clicked almost immediately. We'd grown close by now. We wouldn't tell each other our secrets yet but we would know much about the other's little anecdotes that we told, our favourite books, embarrassing moments and how we relaxed after the day. I'd come to think about him in an affectionate way. He was an entire piece of my days now and I'd run around to look for him, recall a few of our jokes and giggle while I'd work alone, get excited to dine and try a new board game with him. I loved his intelligence and his knowledge, hearing him talk with good grace of the stars, the mechanics of ships, the lands he'd visited, jewels, hiking, wood-carving. I'd listen even if he acted know-it-all, finding it more endearing than annoying in the long run.

It took me a while to admit it, but I knew I was falling in love again. The experience didn't feel like a smooth walk towards bliss the way it'd felt for my two former passions, but rather a deep sense of guilt and lack of self-control. I was upset that I'd just found an amazing new friend for whom I cared deeply and that already, I was ruining it with inappropriate thoughts. I began to wonder if it was possible for me to become close to anyone without catching feelings and it made me sick that I had until then, no evidence of it being wrong. When I caught myself acting like a fool in love with Rochalizo, I'd berate myself harshly and do my best to restrain any chance I was distressfully aware of.

Although it had been cold, he was always so well-dressed, even when he wore layers on layers like today. The changing weather here made him complain and often surprised him but he nevertheless groomed himself ever so nicely and I would tease him and he would tease back. I had gotten frozen, later on, from talking to him outside and without a shawl and I would've wished to link my fingers with his or lay my head on his shoulder but hadn't dared. I didn't know about the customs of his country, but male friends didn't do that, at least not here. And so, I had resisted the urge, thinking I would feel worse, much worse if I had cuddled up with him and he then had guessed what I was and got angry. Possibly got away and never talked to me again.

I didn't think he was mean; he could be irascible and indelicate, but once someone earned his respect he was spirits-lifting, down to help anytime and he hid it well but he was kind, so very very kind. However, my secret wasn't something to be proud of and I didn't think people's harsh words – for the few who knew – and their attitude towards it was a good indicator of their overall benevolence. I thought people could be cordial while also deserving better and having the right be upset by my abnormal ways, whoever they were. He was far from being whoever; yet I wouldn't have held him accountable for becoming distant with me, not as much as I would've chastised myself for losing him anyway.

On these stone garden stairs, where we afterwards had lay in silence, I had noticed that it was the exact same place where I'd offered my first kiss to my childhood sweetheart; where I'd taken his first too. Being with him in this place so meaningful, abundant in exciting memories of new experiences that the old me had lived and also those of profound disappointment, shame and accented loneliness, had made me feel strange. I had felt awkward suddenly, fearing he could have read my mind or body language. I had felt stupid for even thinking this could be a sign I could have kissed him and he might've kissed back.

For even thinking that perhaps this time, luck was on my side and that he wouldn't think I was only pretty like a girl. That he could think I was pretty because I was me and that he too felt weirdly drawn to people who were the same as him. Inexplicably drawn to boys although being one, desiring to stand against their warm skin although he had the same one, desiring to hold their hands even though they looked the same and kiss their lips although you both had the lips of a boy. I would've wished he too had expressed not caring much for that sort of “complementarity” people praised in couples. I would've wished he could tell me I was not alone, that he could see it. That he too had formed feelings for his close friends and been unable to shake them off, feeling frustrated with himself when they had come at the expense of his friendships whether he had distanced himself from them or acted on his yearning. I would've felt less lonely that day, if he had told me all this. But it was my own fault, for no one is a mind-reader to that extent.

That day witnessed a lot of our laughs. He was just good at joking around and in those moments, it seemed to me like I'd been made to laugh at them with him and press his arm gently and briefly, before I'd let it slide slowly, pretending I wasn't fully, utterly aware of the way it brushed his sleeve. His face was red when I got too close, secretly wishing to be his, and I made the silent wish that he would one day, stop feeling nervous because of how he talked and instead be all flushed because he loved me.

༻Suoh POV end༺

OoOoO

There were two small knocks on the outside wall. Barely thumps, but banged just hard and humanly enough so that they weren't mistakable with the flights and tiny rumpus of the squirrels in trees. Suoh put down his book and looked towards the noise. From his little spot in his bed he could see only the light and the folds of the curtains but not the opening that unveiled the sky for him. He stretched and walked there barefoot in his flapping nightrobe. The knocks grew insistant and fast and Suoh walked there a little faster. Bending over the edge, he stared down, expecting anything but not what he actually found down there. Rochalizo hung here, holding onto dear life to a bunch of ridiculously small grips and nooks. He smiled sheepishly at him. Suoh's eyebrows shot up, a little concerned.

"What are you doing here..."

But the other extended a trembling hand towards him, his features painted by a look of urgence.

"Please help, I've made a terrible mistake..."

He hadn't finished his sentence that Suoh understood and bended further to grab his free forearm and began pulling him up, chuckling fondly. As Suoh held his right forearm safely, Rochalizo moved his other arm tentatively towards the edge of the opening.

"Can you put your arm up a little more, I can't reach it...", Suoh asked and imparted, trying to carry as much weight of Rochalizo as he could.

"I'm already on my tiptoes!"

Suoh giggled at the sight of his little boots contorting themselves on the narrow gap in the facade.

"You look like a baby asking for a carry...

"Don't laugh!!", Rochalizo snapped back, torn between embarrassment and admitting the situation was quite laughable, "I've been this close to impaling myself on my... On my.... Hey! I said stop laughing!"

Hearing that, Suoh's laughs could only intensify. He eventually managed to stifle them inside his mouth and he calmed down a little, although still looking very entertained. Getting a better idea, he told Rochalizo to hold on one more second, got to the rope that tied the curtain and passed it down. Having pulled hard, they managed to get Rochalizo to climb over the edge of the opening. Suoh heard him sigh in relief as he pulled him inside by both arms and he smiled, relieved too. As he dropped from the opening, Rochalizo's body toppled forward and, swept along in the momentum and because of the weigh charge suddenly shifting, Suoh's body tipped a little backwards with his. They both stopped at an inch of each other and shared a breath, before rebalancing their weigh more evenly under their feet. Using them only for a small push to straighten up, Suoh's hands began letting go of Rochalizo's arms and they both couldn't hold back a smile.

"Thanks", Rochalizo said, not moving, his vivid pupils growing, twitching a little as they still looked right into Suoh intensely.

Suoh stared, swallowing his lip and looked away. He released the other's hands and took a good step back.

"So what were you doing under my window? Except playing the to-be-rescued-prince", he asked teasingly.

Only there did he notice that Rochalizo wore a moderate-sized sack over the shoulder whose little twine crossed his chest. He had come there in his day clothings but wore different pants that could have been both pyjamas or bottoms for hanging around.

"Ha ha, super funny".

"Couldn't you have used the door?", Suoh asked, genuinely wondering this time.

"Sure, but I wanted to try climbing the walls at least once, like the lots of you, goat-mode do.

Over Suoh's snickering, he removed the little sack and opened it for the other to see. Suoh leant in and opened his mouth in surprise as he discovered the contents of the bag was nothing but sand. It was a bag filled with sand.

"Why do you have this?"

Rochalizo scratched his own hair.

"Well... You couldn't come today to the Sand Blessings because you were too busy so, I thought I could bring it to you... I know how those traditions are important to you and I thought perhaps we could..."

"Now?"

"If... If you wanna".

Suoh felt himself melting, it'd been long since anyone had done anything so sweet for him. The gesture touched him and he brought a hand to his heart.

"Rochalizo, you're...", he began, stopping himself before he could find something more appropriate than all the adjectives he had in mind, highly connoted for people that were not friends, "You're the best..."

Rochalizo's cheeks flushed, extremely pleased that he could do something to make the young leader smile. He'd noticed Suoh was an easily stressed person who put work before himself and recently, he'd wanted nothing than to help him find some time for himself and not let him pass on the moments that brought him joy.

And so, Suoh hurried to the back of the room, eager to catch up. Rochalizo sat cross-legged on the bedroom floor, waiting for him while he shook up the sand to stir it, preparing to begin the ceremony. As the only complaint came Suoh's confession as he went to fetch and light up a few candles, that he was more tired than he'd thought. But to Rochalizo's suggestion to postpone, he declined, said it should be alright if they prayed just a moment. Kneeling besides Rochalizo, Suoh disposed the candles on the floor around them, including the one to whose light he had been reading, forming an imperfect and modest arc of a circle. The air already smelled like wax and fire and both boys felt the joints of their fingers warm up to their heat. The glows of candles had somewhat shifted the atmosphere to a more solemn one and Rochalizo didn't realise he had spoken in a low voice when he'd asked:

"You wanna start?"

They gazed at each other, grinning. Suoh savoured the fiery colour his hair took on when he stood there in the hot light, appreciating how glad he was to have him there, before he nodded with enthusiasm.

"I can but you can also start if you like".

"Uh, yea but I've forgotten how it goes so um...", he replied, his chuckle colouring his words like the heat did his moled face, "Perhaps it's better if you go first".

It made them both chuckle again and Suoh said he would start. His hand plundged into the sand and he picked up a handful of it that he kept into an open palm. Accidentally, as he straightened up, his knee bumped into Rochalizo's leg and he tensed, and pretended it had not happened. Rochalizo's eyes wandered a moment on his leg, but Suoh's eyes closed, now focused on the ritual as he let the sand slip through his fingers and fall into his other palm slowly, repeating the movement several times, implementing each with specific hand signs, until the falls whipped up a moderate cloud of dust. By then, he let it drop back to the sack and dug father for wetter, browner sand. Rochalizo watched him with great curiosity while the young leader sat back to trace thin marks along the lenght of his arm and redrew the lines with hot wax so that it would stick to his skin. Almost instantly, the wax dried, capturing the sand under it and Suoh turned to Rochalizo and gave him an encouraging smile. Rochalizo's eyes flickered, taken by surprise; he had been paying less attention to the steps than he had to the person doing them.

Executing the first falls alone, the young leader corrected only the last two hand signs, repositionning his hand. Suoh had switched to a calmer state of mind, absorbed in the cult procession and its protocol; this ceremony was indeed as important as Rochalizo thought it was. As he thought he'd heard today, it symbolised erasing one's mistakes and becoming permeated with one's inner strength. Approximately. Rochalizo took a liking to doing it, feeling nourished in a very experimental way. But since he didn't believe in any of that, his mind still wandered a little, not fully focused. And when Suoh's hand brushed again and again against his, he shivered each time, sensing his skin getting more sensitive at each new touch, a thing oblivious to the former, both a blessing and a curse. Past the first step, he gathered the wet sand in his hand but stopped there, his finger mid-air, unsure.

"Do you remember the symbols?", Suoh's voice asked, soft and patient.

"Um... They were quite sophisticated. Even earlier I couldn't really follow so I don't thi—"

"I'll do them for you", Suoh offered, and he took Rochalizo's arm gently in his hand.

Rochalizo froze in surprise and sucked in a breath. He'd expect Suoh to show him the hand choregraphy with his hands so he could mimick it, but not this and as the tracing of symbols began on his arm, he realised he had to refrain from squirming. It tickled a little, but he could also feel heat wherever Suoh was touching him and he had not even started with wax. His face was not so far either, focused and eyes down but Rochalizo had to bit his tongue to avoid his heavy breathing to be heard. Eyes either on Suoh's lips or fingers, he felt every little movement Suoh did against him as he applied the brown sand: the tiny scratching of his nails, the rougher sensation when rugged knuckles brushed him and all other touches from his fingertips made him feel internally agitated from the pleasure they lent. He wanted it to stop for it was a slow torture, but also wished for more touches whenever the fingers left him for a second. Suoh's eyes searched for him and Rochalizo thought he'd read through him but was uttered only a little lenient warning.

"I'm gonna coat your skin in wax. You're not scared, are you?"

Rochalizo's ears were ringing, still feeling Suoh's thorough and soft touches on him and in a daze. Of course he wasn't scared of some dumb wax, it was something else troubling him. He registered the question a little too late because the comforting words picked up again.

"Don't worry, it's hot but it doesn't hurt. Even children do it for fun here. The sensation of wax drying on you might be strange but it's not gonna leave marks".

And he began applying the wax just as gently, retracing those same symbols he had drawn with the sand on his soft skin, leaving Rochalizo with a hot arm and hot face, somewhat trembling fingers. For more control on the wax's heat, he had shifted even closer to a point where Rochalizo could smell his hair and feel, although not touching it, his body warmth. It felt intimate, even if no intimate things in themselves were being done; it was the setting, the two of them, the extreme gentleness of touches and accidental sensuality of his face gravely focused. Rochalizo tried to relax in the moment, but his breath cut short each time. It was hard to forget they were so close and that he was being touched so considerately.

Once done, the young leader sat back in cross-legged position and crossed his fingers, inviting Rochalizo to do so and the latter quickly followed. They stood there in silence for perhaps a minute. Suoh's thoughts focused on that renewed strength he was supposed to be feeling, while Rochalizo's thoughts strayed far from there, still stunned by what had happened. Emerging from his succinct meditation, Suoh's gaze fell upon Rochalizo whose eyes were wide open, looking straight ahead.

"Are you alright?"

Rochalizo looked up. Suoh's eyes were on him and he realised he had been staring in the void. Suoh giggled and said he should probably get some sleep soon, for he too looked a bit tired. Suoh then thanked him for this night and Rochalizo urged himself to put himself together; he'd need to start working again at some point.

"Don't mention it", he snorted, "We can't let you walk around without any blessings. You need all the luck you can find".

It made Suoh blush a little and slip a little strand of his hair behind his ear. Both sat down a while more to scatch the wax and sand off their arms. Suoh looked happy and it was a sweet sight. He was too, impressed with himself that he'd willingly taken part in a ritual he considered nonsense twice. His sarcasm and critical sense of mind dulled away when he was seeing Suoh's smile. The latter then told Rochalizo not to worry about the mess, that he would clean sometime the next day and he then went to tidy up the candles.

"And do want to do now?", Rochalizo asked.

He really did not want to go home and be alone when he could be with Suoh, so physically close, but thought it was still fair that he checked-in in case Suoh would want to sleep immediately.

Suoh was torn; he didn't put it past his body to commit yet another big mistake and was sure there would come a moment, if not today, in a few days, weeks... where he would try to make a move on him. He hated to be surrendering to his desires and the perspective of losing Rochalizo was terrifying. But he also couldn't bring himself to send him home if the latter didn't make the decision. Sighing secretly, he turned around and went back to Rochalizo, shook his head and said it would be fun to hang out a little more.

Rochalizo looked quite thrilled by this answer and nodded, a big smile on his face. Suoh would've rather he didn't because it made him dorky and adorably impossible to resist to.

"What should we do then", Rochalizo started again, "Cause you don't seem fit for anything. You wouldn't rush me to the forest and back, right fucking now, correct?"

Punctuating his words, he stood up and he gave Suoh a tiny punch in the left ribs. Then a second and a third. Suoh tried to stop his fist with his hand, giggling.

"I couldn't even do that at the top of my health".

Rochalizo smirked and did an audible snicker, then turned to attack his right ribs, until he was just poking his sides from everywhere. Suoh writhed, trying to escape his hands, still laughing, so that he complained his cheeks hurt. Rochalizo couldn't stop himself, feeling like touching and standing right next to Suoh, gazing in his pretty blue-greenish eyes and on the cute pleats of his face when he smiled. He felt his chest heat up just from the way the Suoh would lean into him to talk, wishing the young leader would lean in just a little more...

"You could just lie down and talk to me. I'll sit down here against the bed", Rochalizo suggested.

Instead of stopping, he didn't let him off the hook, the poking having turned into tickles. Rochalizo loved the pink that had started to spread on his face but he'd also wanted him to fight back. Only, Suoh kept his hands at a distance and he wondered why. Why, when he used to be a bit more tactile before.

"I could if you stopped!", Suoh yelped, out of breath from laughing so much.

He didn't add that he wouldn't have minded had Rochalizo lain on the bed with him. Or even on him. He felt so very allured and restless and full of longing in his body, his thoughts going crazy again, his lower stomach warming up and he knew those hands on him were to blame. Alerted by those thoughts that made him lose his mind, Suoh suddenly roused to clarity and violently pulled himself off Rochalizo.

"I'm lying down!", Suoh announced, almost running off to his bed.

He was a mess. His stomach fluttered from all the butterflies and excitement but also had started cramping in anxiety. He felt like tearing up from frustration and despair. He'd tried, he'd tried hard not to fall in love again but it was had happened and it would not end right. There was no way. He could feel himself losing control a little more everyday despite what he'd sworn to his own good conscience. What would Rochalizo think if he kissed him? Surely that he was an opportunist, a deceptive person who followed only their physical desires, a friend who'd have taken advantage of him...

Sweat fell in droplets down his temples and his throat felt tight. If he got touched again... It had to be better for Rochalizo to go now. Perhaps if he went away now, Suoh could find something to calm down, make a plan as to not fall apart and succumb to lust for at least the next couple of days. He didn't want to lose this friendship, he had had too much fun, had worked on it hard and given a lot of himself for it to be a success. He could not bear to lose someone else just because of the awful way he was.

Rochalizo walked to Suoh slowly and sat against the bed. When he lied against the mattress and the bed creaked, he felt Suoh's body jerk a little, must have been from the surprise. Nervously, he fidgetted with the rim of his pants. He'd never felt like that for anyone before and it was killing him that he'd managed to develop such a big crush on the only person he couldn't have. For the reason that it was unlikely he could like boys and for the reason that even if he did, he couldn't act on his feelings because of a stupid law that prevented it. It was unfair, because so many times now, he had seen him act and thought he looked a little lonely and he'd wanted to make him happy. So many times he'd looked at Suoh's lips when the latter wasn't looking, had had a few daydreams about how them two could take off each other's shirts. The attraction he felt for him was very strong and whether it had started for his kindness or his endearing blunders, it was becoming difficult to stay objective for everything he did or said these days was susceptible to carry him away in foolish lovestruck ideations.

Rochalizo's head twisted to look at Suoh who lay down his back facing him, his long wavy green hair adorning the pillow like the angel hair they sometimes would decorate trees with. His varnished hand extended a little towards it and then fell back, brushing against the footboard. Would Suoh feel put-off if he knew what kind of thoughts he was having right now?, if he could see his messy desires of caresses and need for skins to brush. Suoh laid there so prettily, his flat chest heaving and dropping softly. He swallowed hard and picked up conversation again.

"What's up for tomorrow? You're gonna be busy again?"

Suoh sighed a tiny bit, relieved he would have some dialogue to put his mind to, preventing his brain from raving.

"Not much... Perhaps we could go fishing?"

Suoh turned around and gave him the cutest smile Rochalizo had ever seen.

"Now that your saimia's awakened, it could help you learn to control it, wouldn't it?"

Rochalizo smiled back, thinking he must've looked really cutesy and silly right now. Cutesy suited Suoh, not him. He immediately switched to joking to keep the upper hand on his behaviour.

"What do you say we use you as a test prototype? We start with me tying you to a chair and I use saimia to see which height you reach into the air. You up?"

Suoh's smile turned to a leer, trying hard to ignore the double meaning he was seeing. He sent it away from his brain and propped up his face under his cheek to support it with an elbow.

"Why not... As long as the inventor is willing to roam the island and find the scattered pieces of me. Or I'll murder his fiancee".

Rochalizo's head did a little bop upwards, scoffing as though he was saying 'There's none' to which Suoh's left eyebrow perked up. A genuine smirk formed on Rochalizo's lips and he leant forward supporting himself on the frame of the bed.

"Don't worry Creature, I'll put you back together. Might mix up a few limbs, though".

"Aren't you afraid people might come and collect my pieces? After all I am made of very valuable material...", Suoh said, putting a leg up in the air and pretending to trace it with a hand.

Rochalizo bit his lip, looking away. Damn, was he attractive when he did that...

"Yea? Didn't know that...

"You don't know what your lab rats are made of? 'Bit unprofessional if you ask me..."

Rochalizo's laugh tone leaped up and he wriggled a little.

"Couldn't have thought your label was dishonest! On there it also said you were um... Shock-resistant, preservable and..."

Suoh crawled up to him and propped his cheek up on his hand once more. He stopped right beneath Rochalizo's chin, giving him a passionate look of interest, waiting to hear the last of his prototype qualities. Rochalizo tensed up, panicking internally.

"U-um... Organic... And... Waterproof!"

There was silence for a second and Suoh's laughter filled up his cheeks, his body bursting into small jolts.

"Waterproof?", he asked, half gone already into hilarity, looking right into Rochalizo eyes with shining ones.

"Waterproof", Rochalizo confirmed in a falsely business-collected voice, cracking from laughter.

Unable to hold it back any longer, both of them burst into quiet laughter that sent their heads forwards. Rochalizo's smile stretched up unconsciously into the laugh, feeling Suoh's hair titillate his arm as his hair flopped around. His cheeks ached but the sensation was addicting and in spite of it, he could have taken a dozen more rounds. He was crazy for these moments, crazy for Suoh.

Suoh raised his head up again and suddenly, got trapped into Rochalizo's gaze. Before he could do anything about it, they were staring in each other's eyes. Rochalizo's eyes pierced through him and he felt naked, taking in all the intensity but also their magnetism that set him aflame. His body warmed up under such unflinching attention and there was an emotion in the depth of them that he thought he could feel twist and turn.

Rochalizo couldn't move, bewitched and having longed to lose himself in those eyes, stare shamelessly and even more encouraged as Suoh didn't move either. He found himself almost blurting those words that rotated in his brain and brew on his tongue. Suoh's eyes were hazy and had their grip on him and although he had probably never felt as embarrassed, his body was responding, awakening to lust.

Suoh's face was inching closer, as though enjoying the tension and the other was sure it had not been an hallucination that he had seen him bite his lips and lower his eyes just a little.

Rochalizo looked a little down too and, let his hand, as it had died to do, slowly raise to Suoh's face and brush off a tiny strand of hair that fell over the corner of his lip. His finger brushed the pink sensitive skin as it traced its way on his cheek and fell back.

Suoh's eyes jumped and it brought Rochalizo back. Immediately, both recoiled almost at the same time, Suoh retreating to the wall and Rochalizo leaning backwards violently. Rochalizo gritted his teeth together, wishing the ground would swallow him at once. Raising uncertain and mortified eyes at Suoh, he saw that the latter still looked at him with the same shock and confusion in which he had left him. He was seeing none of the positive emotions he had prayed for.

"Y-you had something in your hair...", Rochalizo almost shouted, expecting to be only half-believed but he hoped that with time and by demonstration of desinterest, Suoh could believe the lie.

On the bed, Suoh tried not to show too much of his overreaction. He pushed his muscles to relax a great deal but behind his back, his legs shook like a leaf.

"D-did I...", he answered, his stuttering voice barely following his words.

Why was he being tempted so much? Suoh's chest throbbed, repressing a sob. The spot where he had touched him burned. He couldn't stop looking at Rochalizo's lips, at his face, his hair, his neck, wanting it all in his hands, and whether he closed his eyes didn't change the fact that he still was very aware of them. His frustration consumed him entirely, burning through his face, thighs and lower stomach, making his palms sweat and his breathing heavy. It was as though someone had lit him up. He wanted to cross the room, meet Rochalizo and push him against the wall to eat up that pretty mouth already, let his hands wander on him. He was willing to believe Rochalizo, not trusting himself anymore past this point and he was sure he must've initiated the movement after all or caused that stare that they'd shared. Suoh brought his legs to his chest as a way to control their trembling, but as he hugged them, the trembling increased.

Rochalizo kept silent, utterly confused. He didn't know what to say anymore. To what he could see, Suoh seemed very embarrassed and troubled.

"P-perhaps I should sleep", Suoh said faintly.

Rochalizo looked at him then at the ground and crossed his arms on himself. Disappointment and lust were eating him alive, torturing him with lascivious thoughts and heartaches. He'd never wanted someone so much in his life. To leave being confirmed that Suoh didn't love him back would've been devastating but fair. To leave and keep brewing in doubt and insanity, he couldn't do. Yet the conversation seemed over. And he would not be confessing in such an awkward setting.

"You believe me, right?", he asked, this time putting in efforts to be convincing, "It was like a white clothing dandruff, probably from your tunic".

Suoh nodded, looking convinced.

"Yeah, okay. Thank you".

Rochalizo secretly breathed out a long sigh of relief then shrugged.

"I guess then... I'll let you sleep?"

"Please", Suoh said, a little too fast.

Rochalizo's sense of uneasiness resurfaced and he wondered if Suoh wasn't trying to get rid of him.

"I... I'll see you tomorrow though, right?"

"Of course", Suoh said, still talking fast, giving him a forced smile, "Can't wait to go fishing with you".

Rochalizo began to feel like something was off. He could've felt offended that Suoh put up such an obvious fake smile and assumed that it was because he hadn't believed the lie and would now be pretending everything was okay when it was not but... But it was something else. Only the smile was forced, not the emotion and he did not know what the hell that meant.

"'Kay... Yeah me neither, can't wait...", he replied tentatively.

Suoh waved, looking very nervous and Rochalizo turned around and walked a few steps in direction of the door. But he didn't want to leave. He really really didn't want to leave. If he listened to his body right now, he'd go back to Suoh immediately, grab his sweet face and kiss him once and for all, see how that would turn out. He felt so full of lust that he didn't know how he'd even get to calm his body down. Walking by the mess of candle wax and sand they'd let on the ground, he stopped. He began considered that since he was there, he could as well clean it up. He was looking for an excuse and it was such a bad excuse to drag on in Suoh's bedroom but he thought it'd at least help him out since he wouldn't have to get to cleaning first thing in the morning. He kneeled down.

"Rochalizo, what are you doing?"

Suoh's voice was tense and exasperated, almost angry now. He was reaching his personal limits and the sexual frustration was turning into raw irritation.

"Let it on the floor. Please, I asked you to leave!"

Rochalizo heard very well but chose to not obey. He wasn't doing anything wrong; if Suoh wanted to sleep so much then he could start lying down. Picking up sand and wax couldn't make that much noise and by the time Suoh would be asleep, he would be done and would go away. He was helping! With his right hand, he began pushing sand into his other hand that he shaped into a small shovel.

From the other side of the room, Suoh had begun shouting, hands curled into trembling fists. His voice cracked in annoyance.

"I said to leave it be!! You hear me??"

"Well what does it matter now that I'm doing it. You can just sleep", Rochalizo snapped back, equally angry now.

"I can't just sleep with you in there!"

Rochalizo decided to stop responding and pushed more sand together into a small heap begrungingly.

"I want you to leave!! Is that so hard?! Just get out now!!"

But as Rochalizo kept ignoring him, Suoh exhaled a short angry sigh and cursed. He extended his legs, struggling a second between the folds of the sheets and, cursing them too and got out of bed.

"Why won't you listen to me?!"

He stomped up to Rochalizo, his face red and frowned, eyes throwing knives.

"Rochalizo, leave my bedroom!!!!".

He kneeled brutally by his side, leant in to grab Rochalizo's hand and snatched it away from the floor. But his legs hadn't stopped shaking since earlier and in doing so, he lost his balance completely. Looking for a spot to grasp in panic, Suoh landed a hand wherever he could catch himself up and slammed it onto one of Rochalizo's thigh. Barely a second passed until the moment he looked up and Rochalizo down on him, eyes meeting while his hand still kept in place. Then, he felt a quick movement move air close to him and next thing he knew, Rochalizo was kissing him, his cheek cupped into the varnished hand.

He'd captured him into his wamth of hair and mouth, and he felt the softness of his face against him, the bridge of his nose on his cheeks from which small breathing sounds whistled so very close to him. There was gentleness in that hand that held him, its fingers only daring to stroke the little hairs on his temple, but the grip was firm, passionate and not letting go so soon. Suoh's eyes fought to stay open a little, then fluttered close, blanking away from existence. Rochalizo's lips moved only a little against his and his mouth opened only to close around Suoh's; the kiss was chaste but he still felt their heat, their blissful heat and plumpness, a glimpse of what undescribable pleasure it'd feel like would Suoh get to slip inside.

Rochalizo started to withdraw, wondering if it was alright and if he should perhaps apologise but Suoh suddenly leapt on his lap and wrapped arms around his neck, cutting short the words he was preparing to say into a wild kiss. Rochalizo's heart stopped. A few seconds into Suoh's kiss, his brain started registering slowly but with euphoria that Suoh was reciprocating, his body reacting before he could even, heating up under his touch and filling up with hot vapour, even before he could catch him in his arms. Suoh had gone for a deeper kiss from start, pressing his soft open mouth onto his and unshackling a hot tongue onto his lips and making its way in. Rochalizo followed, opening his mouth to Suoh's avid tongue, brushing against him while his hand wandered into the green hair with unrepressed affection.

How he had longed to touch him like this... After many long days yearning about him, Rochalizo felt it was vital for his own sake to hold him as close as he could and he cupped Suoh's face again with both hands this time, bringing him in, holding him dearly. And his hands stroked the sides of his face as they kissed passionately, discovering each other's mouth in urgence. Such craving gave them both sore jaws quickly but even if Rochalizo's jawbones ached a little, he kept coming for more, caressing Suoh's inside mouth and enjoying the shivers he felt on the other's skin when he did that. Suoh's touches were a lot more brutish, biting lips and stretching it with his teeth while he pulled at Rochalizo's hair but it did contribute greatly to that sensation the room's temperature suddenly had gone up by a few degrees.

They had barely been kissing for a minute when Suoh then grasped him by the shoulders and pinned him down. As Rochalizo's back hit the floor, he uttered a small moan, taken by surprise that his body got slammed so hard coupled with the exciting weigh of Suoh's body on him. He heard a muffled whimper escape Suoh's throat in reaction to his sound, then felt him resume kissing him even harder, his hands scratching the roots of his hair and Rochalizo went back to biting Suoh's lips in delight, some new panting adding to their wet sounds of sucction. Suoh's breath was heavy too and Rochalizo took great pleasure in making it heavier by messing with his hair. They had not moved their hands much until now but Suoh's were the first to explore his body, moving fidgetily around his neck, shifting to caressing shoulders and plexus, beginning to venture on his chest over the clothes...

By then, Rochalizo's eyes were closing from the pleasure and his body felt hot as a pyre, assailed by Suoh's vigorous touches all over him. Those hands moved as if they knew exactly where to touch him, or it could have been that he wanted them to touch him everywhere. While the latter groped around his clothed chest, he'd hogged Suoh's cute neck and lay rough kisses and licks from the angle of his jaw and along his carotid. Supporting the back of his neck while he did so, his thumb drew some circular motion a little below his ear and away.

He'd started seriously biting at the skin of his neck when Suoh's hands tensed on his breasts and he knew he must've had found one of his sweet spots. Lapping the zone, Rochalizo grazed it with his teeth before he bit it again and pulled it away hard. It had Suoh writhe above him in pleasure, opening his mouth in a silent cry that he felt rising up from all the way down from his belly. Then, Suoh was crushing their bodies even further together in a strong hip thrust on the other's pelvis. Rochalizo moaned a bit louder, his breath wheezing after which Suoh grabbed the sides of his face to bring him back up, all fingers parted in the ginger hair and went again to devour his mouth. Hands moving down to hug his narrow waist, Rochalizo kissed back, fondling Suoh's tongue with his and kissing, wetting, nibbling his squeezy lips, careless of the thin trail of saliva that had landed and slid below Suoh's bottom lip.

Rochalizo moved his hands to Suoh's back, scratching him up and down agressively and Suoh gripped at his face, sweet sighs leaving his mouth before his hands went to Rochalizo's chest, both wanting to feel as much of the other as possible. It was as though there was little time, so little time before they'd have to go back to keeping that painful minimum distance between them. Suoh's fingertips found his nipples through the blouse and felt them up in sloppy rubs with the whole of his palms, wishing excitedly he could cup it all at once. As the other became more responsive when they'd linger on the spot, he stopped groping so messily and switched to more controled ups and downs, blocking the nubs between his fingers and teasing them with just his fingertips. Rochalizo was far gone, overwhelmed with bliss and pleasure and, pressing on Suoh's hips a little, he began rocking his hips against them slowly. Suoh moaned needily in his mouth, a big shiver running down his spine and kept his attentions on Rochalizo's nipples, teasing them and circling them, pinching them gently until they were popping through the fabric.

Those hands that fondled Suoh's neck suddenly propelled him forward by the shoulders until he felt, in a tiny hiccup of surprise, Rochalizo's nose on his torso. Suoh shifted so that his head wouldn't twist and hurt him, letting out a few hard breaths, beginning to understand he was looking straight at a wall. But he wasn't thinking clearly, there was not a single thought remaining with those hands tightly wrapped around his hips, maintaining him in place while Rochalizo felt around his clothed chest. Shivering and eyes already closed, Suoh waited for his nipples to carry him away with the tingling sensation of fingers, but Rochalizo moved a little downwards again, scrapped his lips on them and took a clothed one in his hot wet mouth. The moisture, the gentleness, the sensuality of it wiped Suoh's mind out and he let out a choked scream. Rochalizo was working up each of his nerves and they sizzled, wrung under his passionate mouth caresses. Suoh searched for air desperately, spluttering between big moans that he couldn't hold inside anymore, limply hanging on the edge of the other's skull. The bliss targeted his other nipple and he groaned, panting even more. His eyes closed and for a while, there was only him and Rochalizo and his body's pleasure. Then, a few thoughts that he watched flying by in overdrive. He'd wanted this for so long. He'd wanted him. He'd wanted to be touched. He'd felt neglected for so long... His stomach had a small jolt and his vision clouded, a wet screen shutting off his world. His hands brought Rochalizo back in once again and he kissed him hard, with all the energy he had left. Until suddenly, after a slight moan, Rochalizo pushed himself away from Suoh with his hands.

Suoh stopped dead and his hands fell to his sides, taken by surprise. Their eyes met and there was a moment of silence, possibly the most awkward moment both of them had ever experienced in their lives. He looked into Suoh's eyes and the latter gazed down at him looking very unsure; his cute hair was all tousled and messy and his face was quite reddish. Suoh blinked and awkwardness spread onto his cheeks, waiting in silence. Rochalizo's pupils shrinked in confusion and he too, blushed, but the dominant expression was concern.

"You're crying..."

Suoh stared a little and moved a hand to touch his cheek. He'd been so focused on the rest of his body and touching Rochalizo that he'd not noticed the tears flowing from his eyes. And he realised that he couldn't stop. His eyes blurred and blurred and he couldn't stop the tears, they ran from his eyes and rolled under his chib, his neck, fell onto his hands.

"D-Did-Did you not want this? I thought you—

"No! No that's not it!", Suoh exclaimed extremely fast.

Now was not the time to create any misunderstanding, he thought. But there might have been one and he wanted to clarify. He was barely registering everything that had happened, recalling it still very vividly in his mind and it managed to make him even more aroused. He was so very excited that a boy had kissed him, and not just any boy. It was Rochalizo, for whom he had been pinning for months. He was so excited he did not know what to do anymore with his hands. Just thinking about it and a big smile errupted on his face before he focused again. Because there had to be something wrong. There had to be something he didn't understand, because how could he obtain what he'd always wanted that easily?

Rochalizo had laid back in wait, even more disoriented to see him smile. He'd begun to feel bad for him that he was crying, wondering if he'd done something wrong or if Suoh suddenly felt unwell or unhappy with how the night had turned out to be. It could have been anything and stress was rising in his chest.

"Sorry, it's just... I need to ask...", Suoh said, trying to form up sentences for the rest of his thoughts, "Did it really happen? D-Did we really...?"

Rochalizo's expression down there showed no reaction at first and then, a wince, until cringe took over his features and he hid his face in his hands.

"What is this questionnn..... ", he wailed.

But he did nod a few times timidly and Suoh's lips stretched into a disbelieving smile. He was having a hard time realising. Someone wanted him. Someone was not repulsed by what he wanted and even wanted the same things out of him. It felt like he was going crazy. He took his head into his hands.

Rochalizo gulped slowly, lost. He didn't know what was happening anymore and whether this had been a mistake but he was still panting and he still wanted Suoh. He tried to shift a little, their position embarrassing him more each second and the other seemed to have sensed he was getting a bit uncomfortable that he still lay on him without resuming what they'd be doing. Perhaps Suoh had gotten a bit uncomfortable himself lying on him and so he saw him rolling off and lying down next to him on the floor.

Shifting his body to the side, Rochalizo wedged his cheek under his palm and listened, moving his legs slightly in nervousness, hoping it was not bad news. Next to him, Suoh took a deep breath before he also turned on his side, looking right into the other's eyes.

"Are you sure you want me?"

Rochalizo screamed internally, eyes flaring up. He would have insulted him for being so embarassing but he couldn't do that right now. Not when he was looking into Suoh's watery eyes and gazing over the many tears that rolled down his cheeks as he had asked that question. Caught off guard, Rochalizo kept silent, wriggling slightly. His lips frowned in hesitation. His sexual desires were mixing up with a strong urge to comfort Suoh and take him in his arms, craddling him until the tears went away. On opposite side, Suoh probed him with miserable, hopeful eyes, sniffling periodically. Since none of them were moving, Suoh took the floor.

"I just don't know what to believe cause I've been wanting this for so long. And perhaps you don't want any of this and it's just me deluding myself like a fool..."

His voice was getting anxiously hectic and sad, so sad. He was about to add another thing before Rochalizo beat him to it. He grasped him by his nightgown collar, shaking his head in incredulous irritation. He understood the situation now. His hand gently slid from his collar and landed on his clavicle.

"Fuck you...", he almost whispered.

Suoh's eyes widened, feeling Rochalizo's hair and the top of his soft head under his chin. He pulled out at a distance, looking down.

"You scared me so much... I thought it'd been wrong to... To have started this... Bloody hell, come here", he said gruffly, finally meeting eyes and he pulled Suoh into his arms gently.

Suoh's face lit up a little and he lay his cheek on Rochalizo's shoulder, sniffling softly, calming down and breathing in his scent. Rochalizo's hands brushed his back comfortingly, whispering a few kind words to his attention and he relaxed, feeling at peace. For the first time of his life, he felt understood and known. And it was exhilarating. But although the touches were kind and inducing safety, Suoh moved off his arms and looked through Rochalizo. His lust was still burning in him. Suoh's mouth opened and closed, unsure how to express it. His hand came to rest on Rochalizo's shoulder and brushed his arm, craving touch and that precious skin on him again. Now that he'd tasted it, there was no going back.

The other saw that attempt; he was also beginning to understand Suoh had gotten too excited to point of crying but that he wanted this as much as he did and was very willing and in capacity of carrying on. He would have stopped on his demand, or even upon seeing he could not despite hearing him insist he did. But it'd turned out to be the best outcome and it was a chance. He could not get his eyes off Suoh. Him in his messy nightrobe and his hair falling around his face in an even messier ponytail and dishevelled hair, his swollen lips, the lust in his eyes... The sight made him feel warm.

"So you're okay?", he asked, keeping one caring eye on Suoh, "Do you want to... Keep going?", he asked looking anywhere but in his eyes, scratching the bedroom floor.

Suoh had not expected Rochalizo to say that so suddenly and he let out a small giggle, sniffling the last of his weeping fit.

"You don't beat around the bush!"

Rochalizo's voice came out grumpy.

"Well, I don't like it. And someone has to".

"A burn", Suoh chuckled, "You're right", he then conceded in a soft voice, giving him a smile that made the other blush once again.

He raised a hand and brushed Rochalizo's little hair strands that stucked out a bit behind his ear. Imagining that would help, he went for a direct approach too. Perhaps the other wouldn't say that he was interested in him romantically, but his instinct somehow told him he was. It was Rochalizo who had kissed him but not Rochalizo who had pushed the kiss further. And if he did, a lot of his little expressions and unnecessary shyness would find an explanation. But he couldn't care less for it now. He didn't care as long as he was touched now and hugged and kissed and licked. He was internally trembling from desire.

"Yes, I want this".

Rochalizo looked like he was gonna say something else and he did open his mouth but closed it. He then shifted a little closer, blushing but not moving any more. It was hard to start it again. He could only be brave once in a blue moon and the spell had been used already. So, it was Suoh that filled the small distance between them. His hand brushed against Rochalizo's front bang and cupped his cheek and Rochalizo's heart started pumping frenetically again, feeling a thousand emotions at once. Suoh leant in kissed him softly. Rochalizo immediately kissed back and they lay there for a while, cherishing each other's mouths passionately. Suoh was smiling into the kiss, his hands roaming Rochalizo's neck in excitement. Their bodies got back to fitting together, finding each other like magnets. While he leant in to kiss and nibble Rochalizo's neck, the latter had begun moving his hands on Suoh's breasts again, teasing, and rapidly, Suoh was making those terribly attractive sounds again, moaning under his ear.

In no time, they found themselves in the same state of excitement as they'd been before, kissing longly, hot and aroused, panting and needily kneading at the other's skin. Rochalizo's leg somehow ended up around Suoh's waist and they rocked themselves together, in slow, timid sways of hips at start, muffling any little groans in each other's clothes and shoulders. Until the friction was not enough and they began rolling hips a little faster, sighs of pleasure fusing as they found a position that was just right for them both. A little more and Rochalizo suddenly moved his hips off Suoh abruptly, looking awkward and moved down again to get a taste the other's neck through bites; he was feeling Suoh tremble under his touches and it was very satisfying to know he could make him feel like this.

Licking along his trachea, Suoh chewed at his neck, leaving lovebites all over the sensitive skin, feeling it quake as flows of air struggled to go up and down. Rochalizo was whinging, wiggling his legs closer in desperate attempt to press them so hard, the other's sensations would become theirs and Suoh spread his tongue wider, reaching on to his pulse point, excited to notice that he'd made his heartbeat speed up. He lifted up Rochalizo's blouse a little, so he could rest his hands on his lovehandles and scratch them a little. Meanwhile, Rochalizo had been encouraged to slip his hands in the other's tunic and it made Suoh gasp. He uttered a few moans when he felt the fingers on his breasts, touching him directly on the skin, no layers between them anymore to curb pleasuring touches. His fingers curled on Rochalizo's sensative skin and his back arched, knackered for the ecstasy of Rochalizo's soft fingertips and nails grazing on his bare nipples and suddenly, as he pulled the cleavage to its limit, felt his sweet mouth salivating on his pink, stiff skin. Suoh slammed his own hand on his mouth, choking screams and whimpers before his hands pulled Rochalizo up again and grabbed his buttocks firmly in both hands, squirming himself when he heard the other's quiet mewls of delight and sensed his accidental thigh spreading against him. He stretched up to come kiss him deeply again, but Suoh let him go and put his fingers on his mouth, pushing him away gently.

"Stop... I... Um... I need to tell you something".

Rochalizo had never seen him so embarrassed and call it good deduction, he guessed immediately what that was, or thought he'd guessed. Although, it'd feel like the worst moment of his life if he happened to guess wrong.

"Is it...?"

He hadn't meant to be so tactless but his eyes fell down by themselves to Suoh's crotch. Suoh's nightgown was bedecked in pretty white lace crepe and simple frills, yet it didn't look like it had been sewn many layers since he spotted quite a visible bump from under the garment. Rochalizo stared a little. It'd always felt normal to see this occur on his own body but seeing it happen on another person, right in front of him was weird. However, he wouldn't deny it wasn't also turning him on a little bit, knowing now Suoh was really into him. He moved eyes back up; Suoh was all fidgety, twisting his hair around with stress and not looking him in the eyes. He seemed so very much ashamed that Rochalizo felt bad for him; it was certainly awkward for people to see your arousal, but being in this setting and with him, it had kind of been the point... Besides...

"Hey, don't worry so much, alright?", Rochalizo found himself saying in a gentle voice — it was both crazy and scary how much Suoh could bring out his soft side — and in saying so, he brushed a comforting hand against Suoh's arm.

Suoh's body moved back a little, as if he'd tried to dodge the hand. It made Rochalizo frown but he pursued:

"It's really okay! It's quite hot too that you're there so fast. Besides... I was gonna tell you but... It's just happened to me too..."

Rochalizo lowered his head, feeling his entire face heat up in embarrassment. He hated that he'd brought attention to his own crotch but he was willing to help Suoh feeling a little less anxious. First times made people feel very nervous and self-conscious and he wasn't excluded from that part but he felt like he was better at managing the stress. Or at least not when they were talking about it like they were now...

Unable to resist the curiosity, Suoh looked down to Rochalizo's pants. He had to look around a little, for his bottoms were loose, but he ended up finding a small bump stretching through his black lazy pants, hiding in the many folds it got covered with. Just like Rochalizo had been, he felt himself be turned on by the perspective it was him and his body alone that had caused him such a reaction. And knowing the other too was at that step made him feel somewhat better and like he wasn't a creep who had no osmosis whatsoever with others. But... Actually, there was still a problem.

"No, you don't understand", Suoh resumed and Rochalizo could feel he'd took on even more colours and was sweating, "In fact... I... I'm not just... Just... Hard... I... I'm... Way over there".

Rochalizo said nothing, his face showing no expression at first. And then, his mouth opened in a small 'o'. Suoh bit his lip and shame made the words flow from his mouth.

"I know it's barely been ten minutes since we started everything and I'm already at this point, I feel terrible for not letting you enjoy it and it's my fault and I think I just got too excited because you're super hot and I have no self-control, I'm really sorry I'm like t—

"It's not a problem", Rochalizo cut harshly and with a flushed face, not recovering from being called 'super hot'.

But he was getting fed up with Suoh's rant; it had begun to give him a headache. Exactly how much overthinking bullshit could that boy fit in him!? Suoh fell silent and looked at him with bewildered, confused eyes. Rochalizo took a deep breath, looking over his shoulder. As if that would help... He didn't want to stop. In fact, he thought he was ready for taking it farther. The issue was always wording it.

"I can just... Do something about it. If you want to..."

"You want to?"

"No, I would hate that, see, earlier? How I was really repulsed by touching you?"

Suoh had a little nervous laugh and weighed what he should do. He craved Rochalizo's hands on him but his body wasn't resonding the decent way he would've liked it to do. He was craving touch but also, a slow pace, some time to get used to new sensations.

"Should I take my clothes off then...? I don't know, it would feel a little off. Like skipping through a lot of steps, even though it's what I'm doing".

"We could just do it over your clothes?", Rochalizo suggested.

Internally, he bought it immediately. It was a nice compromise between not being able to go on for long but wanting to take things slow and a little more innocent for now.

"I think that would feel nice", Suoh agreed, nodding approuvingly.

"Alright", Rochalizo said, squirming a little on his legs, looking on the sides, everywhere but in his eyes.

"Alright", the other said, playing with the skin around his nails.

Suoh dusted off his nightgown and got up on his feet, then offered his hand to Rochalizo. Rochalizo didn't move.

"Where are you going?"

The other shrugged, giving him the discomfited face.

"In my bed? I thought... It would be more comfortabl—

"Oh! No, no, of course. Sorry, I'd... Kind of forgotten your bed existed..."

Rochalizo took his hand and got up by his side, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yea... Generally there are beds in bedrooms...", Suoh stated, trying to crack a joke although his voice still sounded awkward and his laugh shaky.

"Wow, funny that", Rochalizo snorted, a sweaty hand in his own hair.

He was about quite as nervous as the other but being able to mess around before everything went down was a real reassurance. They walked together to the bed and Suoh sat at the end of the bed, leaning his back against the wall while Rochalizo climbed there and sat before him at a small distance for the moment. Suoh nervously fidgetted and shifted position to sitting with his legs straight, then with both of them on the side, then to one crossed under one straight. He sighed and went back to his initial sitting on his knees.

Rochalizo licked his lips, getting anxious again too, not knowing where to start and where he should be putting his hands for the moment. When Suoh finally settled for position that felt comfortable and didn't make him feel too awkward, Rochalizo then asked if he was ready. Suoh gave a positive answer and Rochalizo moved a hand from an inch. Both tensed. The varnished hand came closer tentatively and rested on Suoh's knee. Suoh's body tensed again but this time, not only from stress but from pleasure and Rochalizo got reminded he was close and had asked for no other stimulation.

"So... No foreplay, right?"

Suoh nodded, his face red. Rochalizo had the feeling he was very red too. He peeked discreetly between Suoh's legs to see if the bump he'd seen was still there; it was, possibly had somewhat swollen.

"Is it your first?", Suoh asked, fiddling with his thumbs.

"Yeah..."

"Me too..."

"You look super tense...", Rochalizo pointed out.

"Ah, I know...", Suoh sighed out in a whine of desperation, and hid behind his hair, something Rochalizo never seen him doing, then he bit his lip and gazed back into his eyes, "Could you kiss me? I think, I need to be brought back in the mood, but... Not too much. Sorry, it sounds demandi—

Rochalizo violently shook his head and, proving his point, leant in for a kiss. Under the soft touches of those lips, kissing him so sensually, Suoh's body stirred up to excitement and his back arched forwards. Rochalizo reflexively put a hand in the small of his back to support him. He was better at this when he could improvise and be in the moment. He licked Suoh's lips a little and bit them gently before he asked if he could touch him down there. Suoh whispered a small 'yes', breathing heavily already against Rochalizo's lips and the latter kept kissing his lips as his left hand slipped down Suoh's chest and stopped onto his stomach.

"Can you part your legs a little?"

Suoh executed himself, spreading his pretty thighs to allow him more room for manoeuvre and doing so, the front part of his nightgown fell between his legs, revealing a more pronounced shape of his arousal. Rochalizo's eyes feasted on it while his hand went down to his lower stomach, fingers massaging on his pelvic area, earning a few choked out moans before halting it on his bladder which had Suoh moan a little in anticipation.

"I don't know how to do this", Rochalizo admitted between a few kisses, whispering uneasily.

Suoh kissed him hard in return, appreciating the honesty, even finding it sexy.

"Can I guide your hand?"

He'd whispered it. More sounds of kisses and tongue on lips echoed through the room.

"Go ahead".

Suoh's fingers slowly clasped around Rochalizo's hand and brought them down his lower stomach, settling it between his thighs. As he felt Rochalizo's fingers brush on his clothed crotch, he could not hold back another, bigger moan in the other's mouth quickly followed with muffled high-pitched mewls that Rochalizo embraced on his tongue. The other took a few seconds to get it started and Suoh's hand lingered on his for the time needed to show him where he yearned to be touched and left him when he got the hang of it, applying soft touches to his groin that made Suoh's whimpering resume and his hands on the other's neck scratch deeper.

Rochalizo felt his own pants getting tighter. That body quivering and craving touch — his touch — against him, Suoh's relaxed face and the ecstasy on it was making him so horny he was barely breathing. Very turned on and encouraged by such a given blessing, he started moving his fingers a little faster, moving them along Suoh's lenght, observing which spots gathered the most pleasure noises and coming back to them, going around them. Suoh panted, his chest heaving and his body weak already, rellegating complete trust to Rochalizo for holding him and thought he would burst already when he felt Rochalizo's finger caresses on the head.

His thighs shook, ran through with spasms and started moving by themselves, riding Rochalizo's hand, needing more contact, more rubs, more everything. Those fingers which found almost immediately just the right friction, playing with the nightgown he still wore, used the cloth as a way to smoother the back-and-forth movement he'd just started and in that way, it didn't feel dry nor painful. It was just right. Suoh's moans were beginning to fill the room, half-screamed, half-whined.

And he hadn't lied; from barely the first two or three touches, Rochalizo had felt some wetness spread onto the gown, some humidity on his hands. He'd kept stroking him and now moved his hand up and down around Suoh's lenght, keeping his thumb on the tip when he could, since Suoh seemed to enjoy it. And then, few other touches later, he felt Suoh's body tense, his legs shaking so much he could barely stand on them. Increasing the speed of his caresses, Rochalizo bent down for a last deep kiss, jerking him off against one of his soft thighs, knuckles brushing there too on the inner thighs and against his sack. So much stimulation and pleasure at once ended Suoh and his head fell back in a long moan. Rochalizo held him tight against him, preventing a fall on the wall and his fingers suddenly were soaked in wetness, most of it having gone through the already wet gown.

Rochalizo raised his hand and up and looked at his dirty fingers, not knowing what to do with them now, then let it fall back down. Slowly, he lay Suoh's still trembling body down on the mattress and tried to get him to let him go of his neck so he could lie down too but Suoh didn't let leave. Rochalizo had no choice but to lie down on top of him between his legs. Gazing curiously at Suoh, he tried to peek to see whether he'd gone off his orgasm already. Suoh breathed fast, his dishevelled hair sticking to his face and his eyelids covering half his eyes. But he bore a tiny dumb smile on his lips and Rochalizo assumed he must've liked it. As Suoh's arms strenght evaporated, he was able to free himself from his grip and push himself up on his elbows above him.

"Was it... Um..."

He coughed, wincing. The words were not coming easily.

"Was it good?", he tried asked again tentatively.

Suoh looked up and Rochalizo felt extremely awkward suddenly to be gazing into his eyes after everything. Suoh couldn't care less for any of that; he was all giddy and looked blissfully, naively happy. Giggling mawkishly, he pulled Rochalizo back and crushed him into his arms as though he were a plushie he'd won at a game.

"Mmh, yes very", he mumbled, initiating a thousand kisses in Rochalizo's hair and a thousand more caresses with his hands.

Rochalizo opened his mouth in surprise, panicking a little as Suoh was squeezing him very hard against his body. His arousal had gotten far bigger and pressing by now.

"Wait... Let me go..."

Suoh released him regretfully, watching him sit back on the bed with sad, perplexed eyes. But then, seeing Rochalizo move around so uncomfortably and landing eyes on the still quite big lump between his legs, his pupils rounded and he realised. Still a bit feeble on his legs, Suoh stood up clumsily on his knees and walked slowly on the bed, tentatively to Rochalizo, giggling, until he'd had him cornered against the wall.

"And what can I do for you now, my good Sir?"

"I... Don't know..."

Suoh smiled. He must know what would feel good right now but perhaps Rochalizo didn't know if Suoh would be willing, perhaps due to him being a little tired or due to his own self-conscious reasons — that must have been the reasoning. But Suoh leant down on him, pushing his body onto Rochalizo and Rochalizo's back onto the wall, batting eyelashes until the other's face turned pink.

"I'm sure you at least have one idea...", he said, reading right into his thoughts with that horribly attractive smile and switched to whispering, "Ask away..."

Rochalizo gazed right into his eyes with unrestricted lust and Suoh bit his lips. He looked extremely aroused, yet still a bit reluctant to say and so Suoh asked a useful question.

"How long can you hold on?"

Rochalizo's face melted in embarrass again but the lewd way he gave Suoh, undressing him with his eyes remained unchanged.

"I'm not sure I can even do ten seconds".

Suoh burst out into chuckles. Rochalizo looked like he was going to snap back something mean, switching to defensive behaviour but Suoh kissed him before that happened.

"I'm not mocking you. I'm laughing at our bodies... How bad they are at this".

"Yeah... I've heard t'happens when you're young".

Suoh shrugged and gave him a small nod to the side as if saying 'probably' and went back to former topic.

"So? ... No ideas?"

"One?"

"I'm listening", Suoh said, smirking at him dangerously close.

Rochalizo exhaled, gathering bravery.

"Could you um... Could you..."

There was no way he could say it out loud and so, he proceeded to mimick it. Suoh's eyes rounded up upon realising what it was and Rochalizo lowered his head, thinking even that mimicking he'd done was weird. But Suoh rose his head up by the chin and he gave him a mischevous but gentle smile.

"Sure, let's do it! I should've guessed you'd liked it earlier!"

Suoh took Rochalizo by the hand and settled him gently on his bed cushions. Rochalizo's nervousness was still apparent but he was being turned on a little more with every touch he gave him, his body anticipating pleasure. Climbing onto him, Suoh began kissing him deeply while he pressed hips against Rochalizo and immediately, he heard his soft moans and felt his clothed lenght against his pelvic.

"Is it still okay?", Suoh asked, laying a small kiss on Rochalizo's jaw.

Rochalizo nodded and Suoh thought he looked quite sure of himsef, although just very shy.

"Do you like it? Was it something else you wanted?"

"It's... It's nice", he panted, twisting his hair around his fingers, "But... Do you think you could... Be right above?"

Nodding with good grace, Suoh moved down his body. In doing so, his knee accidentally bumped into Rochalizo's crotch the wrong way and the latter whined a little in pain. Both glanced up, Rochalizo's eyes wide open and Suoh looking mortified.

"Ahh I'm sorry! I hope you're not hurt!"

"..."

Rochalizo said nothing and his eyes relaxed again. Suoh got down again, careful not to hurt him this time. Rochalizo watched him attentively, surely not fearful that he would hurt him again but anxiously monitoring the starting process. Suoh shifted a little above him in contactless movements — excluding his thighs that stroked Rochalizo's hips and legs, but the latter seemed already very aware of them, his breathing subtly accelerating — until half his body was down. He then asked for Rochalizo to part his thighs.

From up close, Suoh couldn't look at them without licking his lips, excited by their roundness and them being chubby, dying for the moment he could be between them. Rochalizo stumblingly spread his thighs and he positioned on him between his legs in a way where both their members brushed against one another through their several layers. As soon as Suoh flumped on him, Rochalizo's moans resumed, coming in packs and high-pitched.

"You like this better?", Suoh giggled and he saw Rochalizo look away with a flushed face, a silent avowal he did before he confirmed it with a very tiny 'yeah'.

Suoh began rubbing himself on him at a good pace, keeping himself up with his hands on Rochalizo's thighs and he made sure to spoil them too, groping and scratching them lightly as he went. Rochalizo panted heavily, whining, his messy hair tousled over his face and in his mouth and quivering legs. A lovely sight. Although, after some time, Suoh began to feel like something was strange. He still heard the others' pleased sounds but couldn't feel his lenght against him anymore. His crotch he rubbed on, instead of gaining hardness was losing it little by little until the area felt soft and flat and he couldnn't pretend like he'd only imagined it anymore.

"Hey... Roch...", Suoh called.

The unsureness must have been audible to Rochalizo and he immediately stilled, raising his eyes at Suoh. The latter opened his mouth uneasily.

"Is there something wrong?"

He'd meant to ask gently but perhaps his words instilled some doubt and self-doubt into Rochalizo's mind and he lifted himself up on his elbows, his head ducked in his shoulders shyly, looking contrite.

"Hm?"

Suoh felt bad. He didn't want to make him feel ashamed, but it was perhaps worth talking about it, let alone if the other hadn't noticed his erection had gone down. Was there a correct way to bring this up without sounding accidentally accusatory or disappointed? He knew Rochalizo could get pretty defensive.

"Uh... I think you're having a... A body breakdown".

He didn't look between his legs and Suoh concluded that he already knew and probably had thought he could somehow restart it after a while which hadn't been the case. If Rochalizo's face turned even redder, he didn't get upset as what he'd contemplated a possibility. However, his confidence seemed to have taken a blow and even as Suoh had strived to treat the matter cautiously, one could read the humiliation on his features. He swallowed hard and sighed, then fell back on the bed, and turned on his side, curling up in foetal position.

"Are we really this terrible?", Rochalizo sniveled, hiding behind his hands.

Suoh flopped down next to him and extended a hand to stroke his back compassionately.

"It happens..."

Suoh felt Rochalizo shrug under his hands and shifted a little closer so he could rest his chin on his shoulder.

"Did you think of anything that caused this?"

"No...", the other grunted, gritting teeth and he then flipped around abrupty, grabbing Suoh's hands in his, as though he was begging to be believed, "It's not because I didn't want you! I don't know how it happened!"

Suoh's expression softened and he trailed a hand in his hair to try and calm him down.

"I know this... And you're talking to a boy. I just know it's bound to happen to me too with how troublesome my body is", he said as he let out a little gush of air in amusement, "And you wouldn't have been upset had it been me".

Rochalizo kept silent and after a slight pause, moved his hand and tugged at Suoh's sleeve.

"Can we try again? Cause I...", he lowered his head and Suoh began nodding to show support even before he said the words, "I still want you".

"I'd love that".

Rochalizo still felt awkward, but he hoped the feeling would pass as they'd get back into it. They both laid down for a short while, him talking about how he'd wanted it to go and Suoh asking for the things that got him really turned on. He dreaded talking through private subjects, holding the belief that words only made decisions and actions kind of forced whereas impulsive initiatives were the most natural, but he also found that the more he chatted with Suoh and the more he felt able to confidently speak his mind without feeling judged.

Suoh positioned on top of Rochalizo again, spreading his legs gently and since it was the second time, both felt at ease in less time than it took before. It was perhaps even more exciting this time since Suoh put in efforts to implement the little things he'd asked for such as that time he leant in, lifted up his blouse and kissed his bare belly, tracing little trails of kisses on the soft skin, around his bellybutton, to his abdomen. All the while, he'd put a hand on Rochalizo's crotch, feeling it and rubbing it at a slow pace first off, keeping it a mere surfacial friction, just enough to draw sensations back down. After which, Suoh's hands rubbed harder on his length and went to scrub the base too, his fingers playing with the nads, rolling them carefully between fingertips, or as much as he could through the clothes. Enjoying this moment, Rochalizo felt no stress anymore and it played in his favour in the way that he rapidly heard his own heavy breath and inner voice running back begging for more. Pulling Suoh up, he scealed their lips together, consuming his mouth with all the longing in his body. He wanted him. He wanted him so much he could die.

As they kissed, a small giggle escaped Suoh's throat and his laughter spread to Rochalizo; he didn't know why they were giggling. It was contagious. Suoh then broke the kiss and lay a few pecks on his knees and forethighs and began rubbing himself into him again. Rochalizo felt hard against him again and he began speeding up a little, experimenting with different levels of pressure.

By then, Rochalizo was mewling in muffled sounds into the pillow. The pleasure from Rochalizo's crotch rubbing onto him and his modest cries were making Suoh somewhat horny again and if he was, he could barely imagine how pleasurable and ecstatic it was to Rochalizo whose body already trembled and lifted up to meet more of him.

"F-fuck", Rochalizo outed in a whimper when Suoh picked up the pace and found an angle that put pression right on his sweet spot.

It made Suoh grin. Rochalizo's moans were quiet but this one had been almost noisy and he took it as a challenge to get more needy, shouted moans out of him. Meanwhile, Rochalizo's hands gripped the cushion he lay on and the sheets as substitute for not being able to hold himself onto Suoh's neck, writhing and purring, his back arching in desire. A few rubs later, Suoh felt Rochalizo's crotch area become a little wet against him, a stain appearing on the pants' seams and deducted he was doing well; that Rochalizo must be a few thrusts away to coming.

He altered somewhat the pace of his rubs, rubbing rougher and harder but with a little pause before each new one, during which he fiddled and groped his nads again. Rochalizo was almost begging out loud by this point, his whimpers hissing as he stuttered unintelligible things. Suoh bowed his head down, wanting to start some teasing but he had barely laid his mouth on Rochalizo's inside thigh and kissed it that a husky, throaty moan was uttered above him and he felt a wave of heat against his crotch filling the other's pants. Some thick smell of arousal filled the air.

Suoh froze a moment, eyes on the other's groin, surprised and curious. Watching someone get their release was an experience he never thought he'd experience and it was so strange, to see the 'uncivilised' and private side of someone, as well as seeing them at their most vulnerable. It was cute too, he thought, hearing another sigh of fulfillment from Rochalizo and he lay another three kisses on the beloved thigh before he climbed back up, hauling himself with the help of Rochalizo's shoulders.

Suoh put his face a mere inches above Rochalizo's and gave him a warm smile. Rochalizo was catching his breath slowly and noticing him, gazed him back in the eyes through a dazed, groggy look. Suoh reckoned he seemed tired now and sluggish. They stared at each other a moment, Suoh's eyes burning of love before Rochalizo pulled him in roughly for a kiss. Their mouths opened for a gentle, warm kiss, lips and tongue fluttering in mixed feelings of love, affection and gratitude. His hands brushing his hair tenderly, Rochalizo kept Suoh very close. He vaguely remembered answering to Suoh who'd asked if he'd liked it and nodding weakly, hugging him even tighter.

After a little while, when both their minds had cleared up a little, Suoh looked down, some concern on his face.

"What?", Rochalizo asked quietly, ruffling his hair with one hand, a big dumb smile on his face, having still not come down from his high.

Suoh's lips quivered and he chuckled, lowering his eyes to Rochalizo's who still lay down with lifted blouse lifted up on his belly and ribs.

"Nice love handles Rochi...", he said, with adoration, his hand trailing on the little fat lumps around his hips.

"I don't like them. They're not nice", the other countered with a pout.

"I love them", Suoh persisted, shifting so he could cup both of them in his hands, "You're beautiful. And it means there is more of you to love".

Rochalizo gave in trying to retort anything, blushing, feeling flattered. Suoh then came closer, rubbing his nose against his and Rochalizo kissed him, smitten, a caring hand in his hair. They shared kisses and little bites for some time, until they were out of breath. When they parted, he then picked up.

"You were wondering about something else though".

"I was just wondering if the sheets are okay".

Rochalizo snorted. His eyes trailed down although he could see nothing, winced and gave him a falsely worried look.

"Not intact I suppose, but can't be catastrophic... I'd worry more about the clothes".

Suoh sheepishly agreed and flopped back onto Rochalizo's embrace, crushing his face onto his chest. The other's hand set on him automatically and stroked the nape of his neck.

"I hope it won't be too obvious when I go get another set of clothes and sheets at the laundry.

Rochalizo cracked up, increasing his caresses on Suoh's neck.

"Depends what kind of excuse you use..."

Suoh shifted his face so his cheek now lay on Rochalizo's breast and traced circular shapes onto his abdomen, thinking of a plausible story he could make up. He hated lying but it was not like he could avoid the lie this time, especially since they could not go fully public. Being in a situation of crisis their civilisation had never had to go through, he expected people to be more permissive of rule breaks and willing to turn a blind eye to what he did if he at least attempted to hide it a bit. But he saw there a perfect opportunity for taunting. He smirked against Rochalizo's skin.

"And what if I tell them the truth?"

"Don't you dare", Rochalizo huffed, half-laughing half-wondering with misgiving if Suoh wouldn't actually be capable of a such a thing.

"Naw! I wish I could, just to see you completely freak out..."

Rochalizo's hands moved down to Suoh's waist to tickle him and Suoh began hissing in laughter.

"You're a little pest, aren't you..."

Suoh giggled, his cheeks hurting from laughing so much. Moving up a bit, he went to cuddle Rochalizo and sneak his chin into his neck.

"Keep pretending you don't like it".

Rochalizo rolled his eyes up his eyebrows and he buried his face in Suoh's hair, kissing a few strands. Every muscle in Suoh's body was relaxed and he began feeling like he could fall asleep in Rochalizo's arms. But he got reminded of something. Something he'd left unsaid and it bothered him that it was not laid down between them. The euphoria in his body and mind, although faint now remained and he chose to ignore consequences that could perhaps be bad.

"I like you. I've liked you for a long time".

Suoh waited in silence, trying to guess the other's reaction. Rochalizo raised his head up and did a little head sign showing that he'd heard. He looked all coy and happy that Suoh had let it known out loud that he reciprocated his feelings. Suoh simply smiled, thought he'd had his definite confirmation, but Rochalizo suddenly grabbed his hand and held it in his. The words sounded a bit unemotional but his grip and his thumb stroking over the back of his hand was brimming over with love.

"I like you too".

Suoh bit his lip, sniffling, stopping himself from crying again. He was barely containing all of this happiness inside of him. He'd wanted this for so long. So long. Tightening his grip around him, he gave him a narrow hug that made him lose his breath and almost choked him a few times. Rochalizo didn't know how to act at first, taken aback by the newness of such affections between them but he cuddled with him back, a hand in his hair. Suoh then moved a little farther from him so that they didn't touch except for their hands that he kept intertwined. Settling his face in his palm, he unconsciously switched to a hushed confession voice.

"I just didn't expect you to want to... Do that with a boy".

Rochalizo's fingers slipped in and out of Suoh's, brushing against them shyly.

"Well, yeah. Me neither... I mean not for me, I didn't expect you", Rochalizo whispered back, eyes looking down while Suoh's were on him.

"And that you'd ever like me...", Suoh said even more quietly.

Rochalizo scoffed at that statement and resumed talking in a normal voice.

"Are you kidding? That's gotta be the easiest part..."

Suoh's cheeks instantly reddened. Hearing those words, it was as though something in him was healing, patching itself back together. He felt suddenly so touched, moved even. His heart began beating fast. He'd always thought himself somebody no one would like, and here, somebody was telling him he was easy, so easy to love... Somebody who loved him.

OoOoO

They'd been laying there for a while when Suoh sat in bed and straightened up, offering the opening a pensive glance. The light of dawn stuck out through the clouds, the candlelights around them barely even necessary now for one could see every corner of the room quite bright with just a look. Something in the air had shifted too, bringing out a more lazy and calm mindset, different than nighttime and its intimate ardour, as the sky filled with grey and purple and the first gulls of the morning cheeped. Rochalizo, still rested on his side, in his arms, breathing calmly into Suoh's covered shoulder, his wrists around Suoh's hips. As Suoh's eyes stayed up, Rochalizo pulled him lightly by the sleeve, a silent ask of what he was thinking, a little pout on his lips.

"It's gonna be day soon, isn't it?"

Suoh bopped his head in confirmation. He then gazed down at Rochalizo, brushed a hand through his hair tenderly before he started slipping off the mattress.

"Where are you going?", Rochalizo protested in a needy, clingy voice, having wanted more cuddles.

"Changing clothes!"

Rochalizo's look of confusion cleared and he lowered eyes on his own clothes with some look of disgust. The both of them would indeed benefit a lot from a clean set. Getting up too he walked up to Suoh who rummaged through his closet. Rochalizo peeked at it nosily, already quite surprised by the size of it compared to his old closet in Amonlogia but then gaped at what was actually inside. Suoh's closet only had a few underwears and hair ribbons.

"W-where are your clothes?"

Suoh picked a fresh underwear for himself and closed the drawer. The other had drawn an amused smile out of him. Another one of those little cultural differences that made every day life fun and so alien.

"We don't really own the clothes, except if we design them ourselves. We need to go get them at the laundry".

Rochalizo winced at him, thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

"That's nonsense. Why wouldn't people own their clothes?!"

Suoh shrugged and it made him sigh. He then pouted and asked in a very tiny voice:

"Would you have any for me? And I mean... Underwear and... Pants too, 'cause um..."

Smiling at him, Suoh reopened the drawer and handed him one of his. Rochalizo shook his head and said it was not going to fit.

"Sure, okay. I'm going to go get some clothes for you, a bucket of sand and some alcohol. It's for cleaning yourself", he explained as Rochalizo's face had twisted in confusion again.

Damn this entire country, he'd forgotten water was so precious they couldn't even use it to wash themselves after sex... Suoh asked if he'd like to come and he declined the proposition, too scared people could see the stains on his pants and told him he'd wait for him here. From there, Suoh took off his nightgown and Rochalizo gave him some privacy, going to sit back on the bed his back facing him while he changed.

Suoh came back shortly after in his day clothings with the two buckets he said he would bring back and a few washing cloths. He'd also grabbed a pair of loose pants and underwear for him, which he hoped would fit. First too busy with checking the clothes, Rochalizo noticed that Suoh's appearance looked much more immaculate, his face free of the traces of sweat and his hair kept in a tidy ponytail.

"I've cleaned myself there and hopefully not many people were out at this hour", Suoh explained, flopping around, visibly in a good mood, "You can do it here if you like".

Rochalizo thanked him, implying he would. He'd read through him correctly; he would not, even for his life, walk all the way back to his little house for everyone to see him in such a debauched state and look. Suoh quickly explained how he should proceed, keeping in mind Rochalizo had never had to clean himself in such a way.

"So you start with sand and you scrub it all over yourself. It's not gonna replace water but it definetely removes dirt and sweat. Then use one cloth to remove as much sand as you can. Then the alcohol. Not the opposite. Also don't apply—

"Alcohol on wounds? Yea I got it".

Suoh walked out the door, waiting for him to finish and a few minutes later, Rochalizo appeared at the front door in his new clothes.

"I like those pants on you", Suoh commented, smiling in his palms, sat on the stairs that faced the door to his dwelling.

Rochalizo sat with him on the same step, ignoring his compliment and begrungingly starting a complaint about the fabric quality, the colour too bland for his taste and some other rough details. It had Suoh snicker in a sigh; he was insufferable, but of course, he'd been raised a little Prince as he often forgot.

"Let me just swim to Amonlogia and bring back your royal couturier", Suoh taunted.

Rochalizo chuckled.

"Is that what you're doing later?", he asked, still on the tone for some jest but in a shyer voice then.

Suoh bent down to kiss his skull and Rochalizo automatically flattened and folded himself onto his shoulder like a cat.

"Perhaps. I was more into going fishing later in the afternoon with some cute boy but I don't know if he still wants to come..."

"Don't talk about me in third person, it's cringe S—

"Also he looks quite tired", Suoh added, turning his head to the side and searching for his eyes.

Rochalizo blinked a little and nodded before he slumped back onto the other's shoulder. Suoh moved a hand through his hair, his thumb gently rubbing the back of his neck.

"You should go catch some sleep a little".

"You?"

"Me too. But we should go separately. People are going to talk. And I don't want to risk waking you up when I start my day".

Rochalizo groaned a little in which was a mix of disapprobation and resignation.

"Go fishing in a few hours?"

"That's a given", Suoh confirmed, kissing his ear one last time before they parted.

OoOoO

Suoh's fingers tensed on the rod. He bopped a little silent 'thank you' at Rochalizo whose fingers helped maintain it straight and up and frowned, eyes focused on the water. The spot was bubbling and stirring, a little sand flew away. All of a sudden, the rod wrung and Suoh almost fell over himself in surprise. Rochalizo snickered and grabbed his waist.

"Don't leave with it!"

Suoh giggled on flopped back on his knees, prompting Rochalizo to keep his hands circled around him. On his lap, he found some stability and that he held better, tighter on the rod and began winding up the line as fast as he could. Emerging from the waters, a sand fish popped up, swinging from the hook.

"Caught you!", Suoh exclaimed, glowing with pride.

He turned around, smiling at the other behind his shoulder and it made Rochalizo forgetful in an instant. He loved the little air of victory on his lovely, wind-drawn features. Suoh laughed at him, tickling his sides to make him react.

"Rochi, don't stare at me! It's going to escape!"

The other blinked and redirected his attention on the fish. The sand fish struggled at the end of the rod, trying to spit back the hook and Rochalizo extended an open hand towards the fish. Suoh swiftly climbed off his lap to watch the show. He'd never seen anyone on the Mud Whale needing their hands to control an object, since the power came from the mind. But perhaps (and it was cute), it helped Rochalizo feel like he'd be successful. He bore a little arrogant smile as though he said 'the audience won't be disappointed!'.

He started visualising strenght from his mind and slowly, then fast, the saimia symbols drew on his skin, poured in bright smears of royal blue from his fingers up to his elbow, revealing the systematic pattern of three small dots linked to one another with irregular arcs of circles. But if Suoh let imagination speak for him, it looked a bit like the face of a Kamingaino. Which was pretty ironic.

The brightness of the marks lit up and down, flickering. Rochalizo's body tensed, a droplet of sweat fell from his brow. Suoh supported his cheeks with his hands, leaning in to catch a look at his face. There too, the marks had spreaded on his cheeks, although fainter. Some tiny circles of light traced above his head, like several tiny halos, the beginning of the mark that was supposed to bounce over him. But there was no sign of the complete luminous shield of saimia which appeared above saimia owners. Rochalizo waved his hand insistently towards the fish.

"C'mon!! Move!"

Some blue sparkles gushed out and the halos trembled shortly but that was all it did. Struggling for air, the fish squirmed a little too well and dropped back into the sea.

Rochalizo bent his head down, dispirited. Suoh wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulder.

"It's okay! You were doing good!"

Rochalizo angrily shot a rock at the waters.

"You want to try again? I can catch another fish for you".

The other shrugged and Suoh wondered if this exercise hadn't been overly difficult for saimia wielder beginners. As a result, Rochalizo was being too hard on himself and it was partly his fault for he'd had high hopes for him and his power a bit too soon.

"The wind is going to lift them up before me", Rochalizo grumbled, but nonetheless looking like he'd give it another try.

Suoh gave him a little peck on the cheek.

"It takes time! The Marked children take several weeks, sometimes a month before they can do anything with it. And years to master it completely".

Rochalizo smiled at him and nodded, not looking so down anymore. It could have been the words, or it could have been the kiss, he never knew with him. After Suoh threw the hook into the sea again, Rochalizo grasped his fingers as they waited and they held hands, sharing some jokes and smiling for no other reason than the other being there with them. They were back in the mood for what this had started as; a nice evening fishing at the cliff. As they waited for any fish to be baited, Suoh opened a little vial from his basket and asked Rochalizo to turn his face his way and to close his eyes. The other complained a little that it was very greasy but still let Suoh spread the oil on his face. He'd got sunburnt many times since he'd arrived here, the climate being ruthless on his nobility skin. It was still more resistant than some of the people of his crew; he had travelled a lot after all but had never stayed long-term in any foreign country and had mainly sailed to temperate climate and mid-cold climate zones.

"I don't want to be oily, you won't get close to me", Rochalizo bellyached like a small child.

"That's not true!", the other denied, chuckling at his dramatism, "It's just raspberry oil. Not anything off-putting".

He leant in and kissed Rochalizo's eyebrow to demonstrate otherwise.

Some fish soon bit the hook and, both pulling at it hard, they drew it out of the waters. It was a bigger one than earlier, had also bitten closer to the shore.

"Get him!", Suoh encouraged, giving him a pat on the shoulder.

Rochalizo clenched his jaw and extended a hand again. Suoh pulled it back gently, getting him to focus his mind muscles, not his body's. A few sparkles gushed out again, a little stronger this time and a new circle added to the halos that popped up above his head, vibrantly more colourful. The fish suddenly swung a little against the wind, then quivered upwards.

"Roch!! Almost there!"

The hint of a smile ghosted over his lips and he put his full attention on the dangling animal. The vein on his brow began pulsating and half of a circle formed over his head, vibrating like a giant button. Suoh looked up briefly and his breath hitched, impressed by its closeness with Rochalizo's face, feeling as though a giant plate loomed over both their heads. The fish squirmed upwards again and, letting go of the hook, lifted up into the air, a dozen of inches above. Rochalizo cheeped excitedly.

"It's- It's up!!"

Suoh vehemently nodded, showing an openly proud face.

"Um... H-How do I bring it here? Wait! How do I move it laterally?!", he exclaimed, panicking.

"I don't know! I've no idea!", Suoh yelped, just as clueless and stressed.

All suddenly, Rochalizo's saimia took on a glow and all marks on his arms began milling about as though ran down by swarms of ants, burning of a fierce flashing blue. The screen of light rotated several times, dangerously out of balance and Suoh instinctively ducked, fearing it would collide into him. Then, its revolutions stabilised and a tremor went through it before a strong stream of scintillations erupted out of thin air. The fish shook and abruptly leaped into their direction. None of them reacted fast enough and it drew a curved line before it bounced into Suoh's face. Rochalizo screeched, his saimia brutally turning off and cupped the other's face in his hands as the fish fell to their feet.

"Are you hurt?! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to!"

Suoh stared at him, dumbfounded. He kept silent for a second, gazing at the fish on the ground, then back at Rochalizo and burst out laughing. Rochalizo blinked a little, his mouth twisting into a smile of relief and cracked up too, leaning into Suoh's shoulder and hair and the other tousled his hair playfully.

"That was unexpected, but the success cannot be robbed from you!"

Cheeks flushed with pride, Rochalizo bore that little self-satisfied smug look. A gust of wind blew through his hair, entangling his bangs messily, raising that short unruly cowlick on the top of his head and Suoh's longing for kissing him resurfaced.

"I moved it!"

Suoh giggled, eyebrows perking up at the other's smirk.

"Granted but I'll keep the fish then as victim compensation".

Rochalizo scoffed, eyes achored in Suoh, looking quite smitten and compliant.

"I don't care about it. I'm gonna go lift up something heavier".

"Is there anything you care about?"

Rochalizo's vanity softened into a solar simper; he rocked a little back and forth on his bottom and said nothing. His eyes didn't leave Suoh's for a second and it must have said it all.

"Come closer", Suoh said, his lips twitching up.

Biting the inside of his cheek coyly, Rochalizo slithered forward into Suoh's personal space and embrace that he was gladly leaving to be invaded. They were alone on that cliff or so it seemed, Suoh took notice, looking around them. Since lots of youngsters climbed walls, children hid in bushes, vigilantes kept watch and elders strolled at any moment of the day, you could never really know but he chose to pretend that he was certain no one would be there. His cute face in his neck, Rochalizo looked like he was asking for attention and Suoh's thinking was getting strongly influenced by that.

Suoh held his cheeks and kissed him softly. His lips on his were reminding him that last night or rather this morning had not been a dream. His heart did a flip in his rib cage when Rochalizo hushed up a little sound of his into his mouth and pressed himself so close, his knee rested on Suoh's. It was easy for him to forget how near and ever-present happiness was now. How the lonely hours would slowly erase from his mind and feel as though they'd never existed. He hugged Rochalizo tighter, taking comfort and many things from their kiss, a hand fondling his back. They had found each other.

A leaf crunched in the distance and they parted steeply. Suoh looked behind his shoulder, a little worried. Chakuro stood there and it was hard to guess what he was thinking at the moment, apart from fairly granted confusion and astonishment. He then blushed, eyes meeting with Suoh, waved an awkward hand to his eyes signifying that he saw nothing and walked by them quickly.

"What was that?", asked Rochalizo, who hadn't seen the boy as he had checked in other directions first but still sounded embarrassed.

Past the first shock, Suoh relaxed and let himself fall limply against the other's chest, snuggling there.

"Only Chakuro. He won't say anything. I know it".

"Hmph".

He didn't have to sigh; Suoh knew what he was thinking of but he had stopped caring. He didn't want to take all the precautions there were to hide them, nor for their love to be enjoyed with cuffs and heavy secrets. It would hurt too much to know that others got to love openly while he, even as he was offered the chance, would be shamed into keeping it behind closed doors. There was no knowing to what extent it would also damage what they had and Suoh was not taking that risk. Although the bigger threat to his relationship would be himself, he could feel it. He could feel himself still putting fences between them, not daring to be as cuddly and as affectionate as he wished to be, because he wasn't fully realising he had the right. He wasn't fully realising he could now, and that Rochalizo would only be happy about it.

I can do this now... He won't reject me. This is what he wants. He likes me...

Breathing peacefully against Rochalizo's bust, he wrapped loving arms around his middle, clinging to him like he'd always wanted. He was letting his love for him blow up. His stomach squirmed in his belly; he wanted a love for himself and for the loved one so intense, so ravagingly strong that it would reach the highest lights. And, unsurprisingly, scratching carefully through Suoh's hair, Rochalizo gave him the tender touches he'd come to fetch.

When the sun rays became harsh on them, they both lied down in the shade under a tree, entwining fingers, linking legs and arms and innocent lips when no one came around. Each kiss tasted like summer, lemon trees and bonfires. Just like the wind brushed over them protectively, it blew lightly on the blades of grass and roamed through them, muddling them up in rave, causing the effect they rested in a stormy sea of grass. His hand clutching softly on Rochalizo's chest, Suoh's lids were closing, wishing to catch up with the other missing half of their night. And for the first time before going to sleep, he realised there was not a single train of worry that crossed his mind. Taking a small content breath, he snuggled into Rochalizo's neck and let the other craddle him lightly with a kiss on his brow before sleep took him away for a nowhere stroll.

OoOoO

"Suoh... Suoh wake up..."

Suoh awoke feeling shivery. The wind blew stronger than before and the rays of sunlight had dwindled behind some new rain-loaded grey clouds on the horizon. The bamboo trees swung, barely held back by their large trunk bases, announcing the far but looming storm. He could smell the scents that arose before the rain and those of the neighbouring catnip and mallows. After which came two fingers on his left eyelid, tipping on it slightly, prompting him to open it. He caught sight of Rochalizo first, him and his lovely bright two-coloured eyes. Suoh wanted nothing than to kiss him again.

"Sorry to wake you up", Rochalizo said piteously, scratching the back of his neck, "But..."

He had to push Suoh back gently because he had begun leaning in on him for a kiss, pursing his lips slightly.

"... The brats wanted to play".

Recoiling and beginning to sit up, Suoh looked dizzily around him. The weeping willow he had napped under in Rochalizo's arms had rolled up its branches like sleeves under the gusts of wind, uncovering their little intimate spot and saw that they were now circled with a small group of children of all ages. Rochalizo helped him up on his knees, as he was, a hand supporting his back and rubbing it kindly.

"How was that nap?", he asked, drapping Suoh in his own cape as he saw his goose bumped skin.

Suoh shot a bright smile at him.

"Awesome, thank you".

Rochalizo smiled back warmly and turned to the flock of children, immediately resuming what must have been a verbal fight between him and the group. It showed, that he was not very good with children, having himself been the youngest child, and his uncooth behaviour also being in cause, not seeking to be kind nor patient with them. But contrary to what even Suoh would have thought, children seemed to adore him.

He crawled on his knees and tapped Rochalizo's shoulder while positionning between him and the children, wishing to arbitrate the conflict.

"What's this about?"

Rochalizo opened his mouth but a few kids beat him to it.

"We saw Rochi's saimia!!", a little girl cheeped excitedly.

"Yes!! We saw it!"

"But he said he won't lift us up with it...", another one added and by the end of his sentence, he'd started crying.

The collective effect worked wonders sometimes, Rochalizo thought as he witnessed half the group had begun crying after the little boy. He outed an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes and slid an annoyed look at Suoh, hoping it would convey his 'I've tried but they're the pushy ones' message. Suoh shook his head, a tired smile on his lips as though he said 'you're as worse as them'. He stepped forward and opened his arms for kids to snuggle into his embrace. The kids happily pressed themselves around him, pulling at his tunic and his ponytail, making a joyous racket. Left on the side, Rochalizo watched them, getting quite irritated, arms folded on his chest.

"Are you done pretending like I've freaked you out?!", he grumbled.

Some kids escaped Suoh's arms and came to taunt him mercilessly, sticking their tongues at him.

"As if you're scary!"

"Hey!"

Before he could decide if he wanted to go after them, the kids flew away sneering to few nearby bushes, stomping into the heath. Rochalizo got up on his feet, sighing again, noticing Suoh too had got up and was holding the smallest of children in his arms because he did not walk well yet. Rochalizo had a soft spot for seeing him taking such good care of the kids, treating them with such affection, but he would never tell him that. He could not see him without any children of his own; he was seeing him already, one day, embracing his own children with the same tenderness.

The rest of the children clung to Suoh or came around Rochalizo, tugging at his pants to beg him to play the game with them. Suoh saw in his eyes that he would accept; he was too kind. Eventually, after a few arguments with them and anger tantrums, he yielded to their demands, arguing it would only be one jump each. The little ones ran away excitedly, rushing to go spread the good news to their friends.

"You're pretty popular with children", Suoh commented, stroking the youngest child's hair as they walked to the agreed place for playing.

Rochalizo swole his cheeks in annoyance, burrying his hands deeper inside his pockets.

"Yea no, I think that's more because they don't take me seriously and like to see me upset..."

"That's perhaps a little true", Suoh admitted, laughing heartily.

"Do you think it's a good idea?", Rochalizo pondered, both to the other's intention and to himself.

Suoh smiled.

"You can try and if it turns out your saimia is still unstable, you'll just launch them up the usual way".

They soon joined with the group in the clearing. Brown blades of glass covered the ground, diffusely dredged in moss and the few tall-height trees that bordered the entry to the small forest were far enough, them and their large knotted roots upon which people could stumble. But they'd stopped under the lowest trees which meant that even if Rochalizo lost control of his saimia, there would be no harm, as they'd explained. The children waited in excitement, shouting to themselves that they were gonna be launched the highest and the farthest. Suoh argued that being thrown the farthest might not be a good idea. Meanwhile, Rochalizo inspected the decrepit armchair the stronger children had dragged there with ropes while half of them had dropped down, panting from the effort.

"Why did you bring this for?"

The children acted shocked that he did not know why and mumbled a few incorrect or jokey explanations before redirecting him to Suoh. The latter turned around and asked for the question to be repeated. Rochalizo grumbled that he had no idea why an armchair had been brought to the clearing. More children laughed and he grunted, getting irritated that no one deigned to inform him. Was this so obvious that even children could guess this? He hated to feel dumb and ignorant. The other saw he was feeling left out and hurriedly got to breaking it down, rubbing his arm gently.

"Without it it'd a rule break", Suoh explained, "The council decided long ago that the Marked would not use their powers directly onto human beings to avoid accidents or voluntary violence".

Rochalizo nodded. He hadn't thought about that and the rule made sense... Or at least for a community composed of utopists like them. In theory, he was thinking this rule was a shame, for it forbid many wonderful possibilities from being put in practice. Had his country developed samia, this rule would've never been written out. But from his little explanation, he recalled only a thing. He smirked at him.

"Oh yeah?? Tell me more about how you honour the rules, Mayor".

Suoh sucked his lips in, uttering a slight awkward laugh and proceeded to smile innocently at him. Clutching at Suoh, the children started peeping again.

"What does he mean??"

"Suoh, what's he saying?"

The person of interest fidgetted around for a while, claiming it was nothing and the kids chased him around for more answers. Rochalizo snickered evilly; and he thought he was a good liar... Suoh came back around followed by well-behaved and no longer curious children. He must have fed them a white lie.

Rochalizo then began with his first tries, under the bewildered eyes of children. They'd piled up a few rocks on the chair and his saimia ran up and down his arms as he focused on the object alone. Several times, he lifted up the rocks instead of the chair and he found out he could only raise the chair from the ground by half an adult's height. Some children nagged again, but Suoh silenced them. Rochalizo scratched his neck, quite disappointed. He could pretend he had not done it to impress the kids but as they'd started encouraging him it had somewhat become an objective.

The same little girl that had cried suggested that it might help if Rochalizo tried raising up the chair first and if kids jumped on it while it floated. That it didn't work right now, because Rochalizo felt both masses were impossible to lift up, under the illusion that it would weigh too heavy for his mind to carry. Rochalio looked impressed and Suoh whispered to him about how this one had Marked older sisters and that her advice might not be completely wrong. Nodding, Rochalizo executed himself and it did the trick. As the chair rose up from the ground in a swarm of blue sparkles, kids pressed themselves into it, jumping in pairs, sometimes even in four. And Rochalizo made the chair tremble just a little, being gentle with how the children were bounced around, crying joyously. He got acclaimed, clapped. Even the children that had nagged him before jumped in his legs to hug him. When most children grew tired of it and left, Rochalizo walked up to Suoh and took him by the hand.

"You want me to try with you?"

Suoh opened in mouth, hesitating, shrugging. The other sneered, closing fingers further on his arm and pulling him in.

"Oh come on. Don't lie... I saw you were dying to try".

"Isn't it a game for children? I might come in too many".

"Nonsense", Rochalizo retorted, "And it's not just children that play games".

Suoh had hoped he would say that. He hadn't wanted to say it, but he'd also wished for a sky ride. He gladly stepped forward and sat on the armchair. Rochalizo looked behind his shoulder, as though he was nervous people would see them and Suoh wondered what the issue was now. The last child of the group, the youngest whom Suoh had cuddled earlier left with his older brother and they were now alone in the clearing.

"Alone at last", Rochalizo complained, frowning himself back into focus and his the sparkling marks rippled on his cheeks and brow.

Suoh had never seen them so vibrant and clearly formed. He must have gotten used to the sensation of shifting objects with his mind. He'd made so much progress so fast! In awe, Suoh shifted a little on the armchair.

"I don't know how you can endure it", the other pursued, some resentment in his voice, "I hate being a good example to people. And with children it's kinda compulsory so..."

Suoh's mind lit up. A good example? What was he talking about?

"That's why, to hell with this chair... Lifting it drained me anyway!"

"Is it really so heavy?", Suoh asked and just after he'd lain the question down, he understood what was upon him.

Suddenly, he felt his body leave the chair and the ground shrank under his feet. One look below and he saw Rochalizo and the top of his head from above, smiling at him excitedly.

"It worked!!"

Suoh's eyes widened and he began breathing fast. He was floating up, roughly two meters above the grass. He had never experienced that; being so high up and no spots to catch and save himself. Panic rose in him.

"H-How did you do that?! Put me down!"

Rochalizo immediately positionned just under Suoh and extended his arms. Once all marks had melted away into his skin, Suoh felt gravity push hard on his body and he fell into down onto Rochalizo, landing safely in his arms. Suoh clung to him tightly, regaining his composure and calm. With a giggle in his voice, Rochalizo apologised and asked if he was okay. Suoh nodded restlessly, gaping at him a little.

"First of all", he started with a heavy breath, "You can't do that!! I almost had a heart attack!"

Rochalizo giggled all the more, holding him narrowly against him, loving the way Suoh snuggled against him for comfort and wrapped his legs around his waist like a noose.

"Sorry, I just wanted to see if it worked!"

"Secondly!", he pulled away from Rochalizo just a little, "It's not allowed!"

Suoh fidgetted nervously, convinced the other would disregard that argument. After all, he was right. He wasn't one to talk... Rochalizo rose a sassy eyebrow and Suoh knew he'd guessed right. Besides, how could he persuade him of the wrong of some law when he himself was not entirely... Rochalizo seemed to have read his mind on that too.

"You don't really believe in it, do you?"

Suoh sighed and looked around, admitting defeat.

"I don't really condone it being widespread but... If it's just us..."

"My! I can't believe how corrupted this Mayor is...", Rochalizo taunted, jiggling Suoh gently up and down by his middle and the latter laughed with him.

"Weren't you the one who said a little corruption oils the system?"

"I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it happened befo-"

"Yea, okay. I'm not listening!", Suoh protested, laughing so much and in imbalance as he tried covering his ears that he was barely holding in Rochalizo's arms.

The other helped him restore balance, locking protective arms around him. His gaze was unescapable and of an alarmingly nonchalant curiousness, as though he could see the omnious consequences flashing before his eyes and did not care in the least.

"No but seriously, what do you think you're doing?"

Suoh gave him a somewhat puzzling and tainted smile and stroked his cheek, diving deep into those inquisitive eyes and giving back a look full of love and adoration. His own eyes reflected hazardous determination and Rochalizo did not know how to read it, except that he felt filled with a galvanising feeling.

"I don't know anymore. But it feels good. I'm gonna do what feels good. Now", he said, changing topics and squirming in his arms excitedly like a child, "Lift me up again!"

Rochalizo's mouth opened a little in pleasant surprise and chuckled, going with his demand. Once more, he made Suoh bounce up in the air, cherishing his little laughs and cries of enthusiasm. And each time, Suoh landed in his arms, holding him tightly and lovingly. When he last dropped into Rochalizo's arms, the latter covered him in kisses, whispering some sweet nothings and Suoh lost himself in them.

"So what was it like up there?", he asked, putting him down safely to earth.

Suoh simply smiled.

"I saw stars from up-close. I even landed on a cloud".