#I don't even have the energy to cry anymore... I've relapsed again but I don't evem get relief like I used to from cutting anymore...

[1007xf]

I don't think life is fun anymore

[talkorsomething]

Oh yeah did you know that tumblr has a tag limit of 30 btw. I wasnt even really done I could probably talk myself in circles about this for like literally forever because it pisses me off that much. Both the circumstances in general and also that i'm pissed about them.

I guess it's hard to do anything else when you've backed yourself into a corner. It has been a long, long time since I decided I wouldn't let myself cry, and somehow it's not even what got me INTO this mess. But it probably doesn't help either.

You know, when you stop doing the things you love, it's hard to tell whether it's burnout or actual depression. I don't think I'd know what depression is if it bit me in the face, to be honest. In any case, I'm doing things again, so obviously it can't be that, right...?

Well, currently I'm a pretty all or nothing guy. Sure - why NOT spend three and a half hours on the art side of a project in a day? Especially when you haven't been really drawing in literal years?

Why not write a song in two hours? Why not write the entire next chapter of your novel?

...

It's not really sustainable. Once I stopped having to pour my energy into avoiding another relapse, i think... I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't for a while. It starts being a problem when you realize you don't know how to start doing what you used to love again.

If all my hobbies are gone and I leave them there... what else is there to do?

I miss drawing. I miss writing. I miss coding, even, and I'm willing to bet that's what I could pull myself back into the easiest, since it's less of a creative pursuit.

You know, I let myself stop trying to talk so much when I didn't have anything to say last summer. I let a lot of things in life just happen to me. It's how you wake up one day and realize a sketchbook that used to take two years, maybe, to fill out took you a very long four.

I know. Shit happens. You grow up, you don't have time. Except...

It's hard to do anything else when you've backed yourself into a corner.

I think we can't talk anymore because I tried to take initiative in my life, for once. Because you saw a good opportunity and took it.

I can't mess up one time without having it taken away from me. There's no second chance - at this point in [my life], it's either right or it's right.

I need the space and I should not be allowed to get it, because at this point it's not like I can quit. I don't want to! I wish I could.

Well, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. I guess that goes for both of us. I got myself into this, and now, well...

I can get out. I've done it before, I'll do it again. I'll wonder how I even felt.

(Angry, mostly.)

I'm doing this for you. So that you don't have to confront the fact that the world doesn't work like you think it does, that everything has a clear-cut answer. That I am just unambitious in life, that I just don't want to. Because the words "I can't" should never be in anyone's vocabulary.

I'm doing this so I don't have to feel what you really think of me. It's selfish. It's safe.

I think we can't talk anymore because I wanted to do something, for once.

[unearthlydream]

im sad and can't focus on work so instead time to scream into the fucking void so it at least looks like i'm trying to write this story thats due at the end of the day.

i keep finding myself thinking "i wish things were normal" and wishing i could go back to pre-Oct 31 and how things were before all of these things happened. but i don't think there is a noraml to get back to and i think that this is just what my life is now. and idk how to cope with that tbh lol ijust wanna jump off a building

i want to be able to see my friends and talk to people and work on craft projects but instead all i do is sit at home in silence after work dissociating into a game or a tv show because i don't have the energy. i can't lie and mask my way through life anymore and i feel uncomfortable w the fact that i can't have a conversation with anyone without them inevitably asking how i am or what i've been up to. how can i even engage with people when i have nothing positive to share and most of the convos just end up with "i'm so sorry, let me know if you need anything"??

my mom has been on and off dying (thankfully off for good now i think? long recovery process) since december. i've cared for my grandpa from oct 31-dec only for him to now be on palliative care. my family is being so normal and cool about it and i'm the youngest one and being forced to deal with all of their issues because my aunt and uncle can't be not self centered for once in their lives-- and obv my mom is dying and my grandma is grieving and helping w my mom so like who else is gonna take care of things and manage people's emotions and be a shoulder to cry on?

so i'm actually doing horribly and don't have the capacity to make up lies anymore. and what have i been up to? spending tons of time in hospitals and then getting various illnesses because people can't seem to mask up in a fucking hospital of all places!!! i don't have the energy to lie anymore bc i'm funneling everything i have into just waking up in the morning and doing thebare minimum to make sure i do'nt die and my household is clean enough that it's not a danger to my cat.

and even when my friends and partnersask like 'how can i support you' -- idfk put a bullet in my brain??? like no one can do anything to help me. i'm alone andhave always been alone and will always be alone and forced to be the mommy in every situation and i'm so tired. i just don't want tot hink. but then when i say 'it stresses me out that you're waiting on me to make the plans for groceries or doing laundry and i just need you to get it done,' i hurt peoples feelings and i'm being too rough.

i'm just so tired. i'm so fucking tired and i wish my brain didn't go from zero to "just kill yourself" so quickly. i wish i knew what i needed and how tomake it better. i feel like my stupid ass needs to be committed. i'm worried about self harming again as i already relapsed late last year amidst all of this. i'm worried one day i'll be so lcose to the end of my rope that i'll act on one of my impulsive thoughts and make things worse for myself.

i don't wanna worry anymore but i think that's just what's in the cards for me. which is like... doubly scary bc of the genetic lottery i've already won (mom had a stroke in her 40s and now is dealing with all of this which like.... most of it is caused by stress and not taking care of herslef and i'm falling down that same rabbit hole without my consent which is so cool and funky fresh).

and the worst part... i don't even think things would be easier if i died. the guilt of knowing what i'm leaving behind won't even let it in the realm of possibility.

this is so long. i might delete this later. but like holy fuck. a bitch needs a fuckin break. a bitch needs a resource officer or somethnig like hold fuck.

[artsystargazer]

Well, it's time for bad news

Only those closest to me know the whole thing, but life has been absolute hell for me for the past few weeks. My family life is in shambles, I've experienced a few bad relapses and I've been pushing through intense burnout up until my last con hoping that once it was over, I'd be doing fine again.

I'm not doing fine. I'm not even eating one full meal per day, I don't have a single ounce of energy left in me and I cry unprompted all the fucking time. I'm not okay, and I can't keep working pretending that I'm okay and that I only need to make it until my next deadline and then everything will be fine again.

I'm gonna take a hiatus from any art-related work, because it's becoming one of the main stressors in my daily life and I need to step away from it for a while before it deteriorates my mental health even more. I don't want to look back at what I do and feel that it was all sloppy and bad because I was hating what I was doing every step of the way.

This means that I'll be pausing my personal projects, that I'll be closing commissions for the time being and that the relaunch of my online shop will have to wait until things in my life calm down enough for me to feel ok again. I hate to disappoint people, but I literally can't do this anymore. Not for the time being.

I hope you will all be understanding, and thanks for your constant support. 💙

[samshogwarts]

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be. 

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble.  And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values ​​had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages ​​and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean.  Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me! 

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny  that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you!  Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness. 

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more. 

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people. 

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me. 

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys! 

Love you all so much. 

[daintycrowns]

december 3rd

i don't even really know what to say. i want to vent but the words just won't come, it's like my head has a hole and i lose all the things to say. i've slept pretty long yesterday, woke up at 11 am and managed not to eat for a few hours. but i've had this terrible headache that just got worse and worse with time. i tried to drink lots of water, tried to open the window and get some fresh air, nothing helped. at some point i started getting really cold and nauseous and weak and my headache had gotten so bad that i could barely concentrate on anything else. so i grabbed myself all the blankets i had, a slice of bread, and laid down. i fell asleep pretty quickly, must have been around 4 pm. i think i woke up again at 9 pm? the headache is gone but im still as exhausted as ever, i've felt like this for quite a while now. i have no energy, i can't get myself to do anything, i can barely feel anything. my thoughts keep swirling around, why am i still here, what for? it's not like my presence makes any difference, and i feel terribly useless. every once in a while i get hit with the feeling that i haven't really done anything in years, i just exist and somehow make it through the years, but i have completely lost all sense of time passing. days are hard, i've relapsed again, it hurts and my head is starting to hurt again and i cry and cry and then i feel nothing again and i just don't know what to do, what to do with myself, anymore. it's 2 am and i could already sleep again.

[teethinmywounds]

i thought these urges were gone. a few days ago i was two months clean, but all of the sudden everything feels like it's January again. I can't go a day without wanting to cut, and sometimes I actually do. I imagine grabbing my blades and just slicing my arm to shreds. Sometimes I want to cut so much blood is dripping down my arm, but other times I just want something small to relieve my stress. I've tried other places, but it doesn't have the same feeling.

I never actually do anything to my arm, though. Mostly because its the summer, but I also have wisdom tooth removal surgery soon and also a doctors well check for some local "disability thing". I'd talk about how much I hate being/being called disabled but honestly I just don't have the energy for that. I'm more focused on how I fucking relapsed a few days ago and how that's causing my mental health to get so bad I'm considering a "painless suicide method" I saw online.

I can't take things anymore. I really just can't. I always say how I'd be able to handle things if I pushed myself but I'm just lying. I'm lying until I actually believe it, and lucky for me I have a lot of time left until I'm alone in the world. I probably won't move out for a while, and if I do, I have some money saved so I can pay for an apartment while finding a job. But that's such a small part of being alone and everything else horrifies me. I've never had a real job, nor do I currently want one, but when I do what am I supposed to do? I'm very socially awkward so a job working directly with customers probably wouldn't be great.

And speaking of working directly with people... college. University. Whatever the hell kinda schooling I do after high school. I know I'll have no friends, and that's alright I guess. But I probably won't have the "college experience" of partying and meeting people and all that stereotypical shit. Just like with high school, I'll probably just go home after classes, study a bit, and work online for the rest of the day. Maybe cry a little before I sleep too. Then repeat. Every once in a while I'll probably do something fun outside of my normal routine but that's also pretty typical for me.

I think my life will never change. I'll never get better and I'll never change my stupid, boring, depressing routine. I feel stuck. I feel ill. Is life even worth it anymore? I don't want to continue living like this, but it's almost as if I have to. It never changes. After so many years it hasn't changed unless I include adding "relapse every few months" into it. My life fucking sucks. I barely have anything to live for.

I don't remember the last time I was held. I've never had any sort of romance that's not me and someone else behind a screen but that's probably because no one irl actually likes me. People make jokes about being into me, sure, but no one at school besides one friend has actually had a crush on me, and that ended really fast. Once in seventeen years. What a fucking joke. I'm just some loser, aren't I? I can barely even hold a conversation and I'm not pretty enough for anyone to be physically attracted to me. There's literally no good qualities of me. Nothing. I have nothing redeemable about me. No wonder people don't like me.

No wonder i've never held hands or even gotten close to kissing someone. No wonder most of the sexual experiences I've had were negative, and no wonder 99.9% of them were my coked up friend sending me rape threats behind a fucking screen. I'll never forgive him for that btw. No wonder everyone avoids me. I'm loud, annoying, and embarrassing to be around. I'm either too loud or too quiet. My voice is either too animated and I sound like an idiot or it's so monotone I sound like I "have an attitude" (according to my mom).

There's always something wrong with me. I never do anything right. It's been like that my entire life, and I can't take it anymore. I think that's a good reason to want to kill myself, right?

[shxxtingstarss]

burning pile of shit

Mentally I'm in a really dark place right now. I don't know if it's been this dark before, similar yes, but the problem now is it's been going on for so many weeks/months already, I'm starting not to care anymore. I just dissociate my way through it I guess. Although I do wake up everyday and think to myself "just one more day, you just have to make it through one more bad day, you can do that". Yeah, how many bad days can there possibly be left... a lot of them obviously. Looking back at the bad times in my teens doesn't make it better either, knowing that this will be how my life goes. My habit of working as much as possible so that I don't have to think or feel the other stuff doesn't work anymore btw, I'm now either breaking down or dissociating all day, only a hollow body of existence left.

Not knowing when or if these feelings will ever stop, not knowing if these episodes / "downs" will last longer than the short ups in between. Not knowing if the ~1.5 years of almost no symptoms will be the only time in my life I had without being symptomatic af or if it can actually go back to that. Also not knowing how bad it will still get, bc looking at my symptoms and the intensity of them it definitely has never been this bad before. The frequency and intensity of dissociative symptoms, paranoid ideation, short phases of psychotic episodes.. together with the incomprehensible high level of inner tension and anger, sadness, hurt, excruciating emptiness and so on.

Speaking of inner tension, my intense neck/back/shoulder/head tension pain episodes are back too. There were pain peaks where I couldn't to anything but lie on the floor of my apartment and cry. For hours. I could've moved, I was not paralized (like I am in dissociative episodes sometimes, yay), but I didn't have the energy left. The constant intense pain that I have in these episodes is incredibly draining, I don't have the words to properly express it. It's not just the intensity of the pain though (which is way too high for normal painkillers too btw), it's the fact that it lasts for hours or days.

I am extremely exhausted, have been before already, and the pain episodes just give me the rest. Yesterday I've been sitting on the couch in intense pain and the suicidal thoughts (that I got from the pain on top of all the rest) have been getting loud again. It's not that I'm not kind of used to suicidal thoughts at this point, but being suicidal because of the intense physical pain you're feeling instead of emotional/psychological pain is a whole new thing for me. The bottle of metamizole in my desk that could easily kill me didn't make it better either. Of course both kinds of pain are working together and I've been suicidal quite often in the last months without the pain already, bc honestly, what the actual fuck should I do on this burning pile of shit.

It's not just that my personal life and health are shit (now that I'm thinking about it I've relapsed in pretty much every way possible, my ED says hi every few weeks and I've also vomited after meals multiple times, lost weight bc of depression and no appetite but also bc of my ED, cut myself multiple times and even started carrying around a blade again, but honestly didn't care very much bc all the other stuff around was way worse), the world is and always was a burning pile of shit since humans are destroying it for centuries already. Yes, my perception is pretty biased at the moment because I am experiencing a quite severe depressive episode (that is also why I wasn't writing anything, no texts after therapy etc, even though there were very interesting therapy sessions in the last weeks and I def want to start doing that again). - But - it's not like my depression has to make up bad things, it just shifts my focus towards them, and when I'm not depressed my focus is shifted more towards the good things in life (how else would you live in this society for over 80 yrs). Still, I def have a worse place to start a life from than many other humans that are currently struggling too bc of all the stuff happening on earth. Not just the usual hatred, violence etc, it's also the doom of climate change we're all facing, the stupidity of ppl that don't want to go out of their lazy-ass comfort zone and do sth against it, natural catastrophies already happening more frequently... and as if all of this wasn't enough, we as a species are smart enough to build tools and do incredibly cool things with them in scientific research, we can also use all of that knowledge and be dumb enough to make weapons with it. And then be dumb enough to also use these weapons in personal conflicts, mass shootings or even wars. What is wrong with us, seriously? I honestly can't comprehend it how people can be poor or desperate enough to sign up for killing other people in war. I don't get it and I don't want to get it, I just want it to stop, even though I know this is a very simple statement for a very complicated topic. I want it all to stop, there's already enough bullshit going on inside of my head, why does the world around me need to take part in this bullshit and crumble down around me.

Great, now I sound like I'm overly sorry for my privileged little ass who can sit on a proper chair in a warm apartment and type down this random bullshit aka my thoughts. Well, even all these privileges of living in a state where you're not doomed when you're coming out of a completely broken and insane family like mine, I can study at a university etc, all these privileges aren't that helpful when you're missing out on the greatest privilege of all, health. If I wasn't sick in the head, I'd be using my braincells, which are said to have a lot of potential, for my degree in chemistry and my part-time job in research in physical chemistry. I really love science, but I'm also starting to partially hate it. How could a scientist, a human being, ever use all of his ideas and research to invent and build something as destructive as a nuclear bomb, so that decades later millions of people feel threatened by the thought of a nuclear attack and/or nuclear winter on earth. I know, maybe you think the same, "at least it's over then". Yes, it would be, humanity would probably "be over" too, which might even be a good idea thinking about it. But my egoistic little ass thinks about all the work I put into the hope of mental wellbeing or sanity, and the bullshit I had to endure for years. But yes, at least it would *all* be over then, also the violence and terror in my head. Probably.

So obviously that's not the problem, the problem is going on with life. Being alive in this shitshow and trying to find a path through all of it, the shit in my head and the shit on the planet (called humanity). My turn to figure out a way I guess. Or a way out. We'll see.

[thinsiqnificant-s]

I've been relapsing.

I've been relapsing so bad in every aspect of life. I guess I could say, despite the borderline episodes that never went away, that I was fine. I could get up every day and have a meal without thinking too much about it or crying over it, I could hang with my friends, I could study, I could make plans, I was able to overcome the cutting and sucidal thoughts. I could above all things, love and be loved.

Once I saw someone say that not everyone was meant to be happy. I guess they were right.

Over the last months everyting fell apart so quickly. It is sad to see all the efforts and changes we've made over 10 years go to hell so fast. It took me a decade to be able to sit in a table and just eat and even apreciate it, over a decade to stop hurting myself in many many different ways. And in less than one month I lost it all. It's upsetting.

I'm back at that point where I cry myself (not only) to sleep everyday. I can't eat like a normal person anymore. I restric, I binge, I purge, I cut, I cry, I remember every harm I ever caused to myself or my loved ones and I cry some more. In an endless cicle of destruction. I feel traped. I feel disgusted. I feel nothing and at the same time I feel everything. But it's nothing I haven't felt before. It just has been a while.

Eating disorders are like any other adictions, it takes over your life at the slightest mistake. And there is no turning back. I don't really feel like engaging in recovery again, because it is so exhausting and I honestly don't know if I can do it all again. It all is so consuming and honestly, in recovery I have never felt the control I had when restricting. I tried very hard to push away this kind of thoughts, but it is true. I never had it. Right now my body is going through a rough time, because it was so helathy and now I'm binging and purging so badly that I have acne all over my face, and even though the scales say I'm as skinny as I was before, I'm so bloated and I have no energy.

I know it's awful and even disrespectfull with myself and others, but this is the only kind control I ever knew. And over 10 years of recovery I seem to have falied in getting any other kind of control.

I feel so alone, all the time. And the only company I have are these constant thoughts.

[midiaryofus]

October 25th - 2021

I have no idea what's going on. The last message I sent was "you break my heart" and then you deleted the whole chat, again.

I know I deleted a few messages I've sent and a few messages that you have sent that upset me.. but I can't believe you kept deleting the whole chat.

You made it sound like you were done with me. I said, "maybe it's time we go our separate ways" not actually meaning or wanting that. More of wanting to give you a wakeup call. You replied "um, yeah. That's why I deleted the chat."

You were so mad at me that I said something was unrealistic. I know you've lived with an ex. But you were comparing that to me moving away and living alone. And I wasn't even saying it's unrealistic for you, I was talking about me.

It really upsets me how you talk to me, "move out or shut the fuck up". Someone who loves someone shouldn't be talking to them that way.

You were silent for days and for days let me think it was over. I was having dreams about you texting me and telling me it's not over, and feeling relief, but then waking up and that awful feeling sinking back in- that we could be over for good.

You texted me "happy sweetest day". I was upset, because for days you were quiet and leaving me to believe you were done with me. I started crying and breaking down. You deleted the chat again.

That was a recap.

And now here we are.

Its been over a week since we talked. I don't know what happening. I don't feel like I should text you. I feel like you don't want me to and like you'll just delete the chat again. I feel like I should wait until you talk to me when you want to talk to me. So that's what I've been doing.

I haven't been doing great. I've been struggling with depression. Just the normal kind of depression, not wanting to do anything, having no energy, just feeling dead. I fell back into old habits and addictions. Stalking people I used to be friends with and guys I've dated, playing games like roblox and getting a temporary high and feeling dirty after wasting hours playing it and feeling like an alcoholic who relapsed.

I was feeling so depressed one night, that I took an antidepressant. I've thought about drinking a lot but I haven't, yet anyway.

I finally feel kinda okay I guess. I pulled myself out of that slump. I'm still scared to think about some thing- like if we're really over, if you met someone. It kills me to think about it. I hate this. I never wanted this.

I've been reading old screen shots and pretending you never left. It helps but there's still an ache knowing you don't want me in your life anymore and that you've possibly deleted all the pictures you have of me like they never meant a thing to you.

Honestly, my plan for if you ever left me, was to keep the screen shots and pretend you never left. I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone again. I don't like the way you treat me, but I love you. You would have been the one if you talked kinder to me. If you treated me like someone you love.

I miss you. I feel like I've just been holding my breath, waiting for you to come back. Checking my phone hoping to see a notification from you. I feel hopeful and anxious as I pick up my phone but then I look at the screen and there's nothing- feeling like a kid who woke up on christmas morning and saw no presents under the tree.

I just don't get this. I don't get why you're the one upset with me. You talked down to me and swore at me but then acted so offended and like I did something wrong. I shouldn't be okay with that. I shouldn't allow myself to be treated like that. But all my heart wants is to forgive you and pretend you never said it. I've been extremely struggling with head vs heart.

I don't know what to do. So I guess I'm just waiting for you to do something

Btw, happy sourest day

[healing-is-not-linear3690]

Its getting hard again

A little over 2 months in treatment and I can feel it getting harder. The idea of eating makes me sick, I'm never hungry when I'm supposed to be. I feel like my life is collapsing around me. I made it 22 days without purging but that ended on Christmas day after eating cinnamon rolls and candy. My ESA might be losing his eye, I'm so worried, and on top of all that I feel like I'm going to fail junior year. 

I'm coughing up a lung and sneezing like no tomorrow and I wish I could just cry. I've never been good at handling things, my medication does the majority of the work for me but it's just a mood stabilizer, it doesn't numb me, it just makes me “normal”.  I still have to deal with the wave of emotions from the start of a relapse. I feel like such a disappointment, I know its okay to take your time getting better and your health needs to come first but I hate not being able to do basic teenage tasks. 

I can’t go to school  I can’t eat normally I can’t hang out with friends every day  I can’t stay up late  I can’t go on runs or bike places

I spend every day up in my room, alone on my laptop, attempting school work until I get so overwhelmed that I give up and cry and try and practice some self-care. I’ll eat or shower or try and do some chores but when that's done, I feel like I've made no progress. I try to work in social interaction but therapy takes up all of my time during school days and by the weekend I'm so tired of everything I don't even have the energy to go over to anyone's house. I rarely ever leave my house anymore, much less my room. 

It's getting harder every day and there's no guarantee that this will end anytime soon. 

I just wish I had an alternative 

[tooktoolongtogetthis97]

TW: Self-harming and Suicide

This blog has become so much of one where I just discuss my mental state and reblog random shit... honestly I wonder why people follow me...

I'm so depressed that it literally hurts. My eyes are always stinging since I'm always on the verge of tears but never cry... Depression has a correlation with physical pain which I have all over. Plus I've relapsed again which hurts like crazy afterwards especially when I'm forced to wear pants to not arise suspicions or situations. I cut on my upper thigh so wearing pants compress and rub against them constantly is incredibly painful especially if they're brand new. And yet, I struggle fighting off cutting every single day at the moment.

I honestly don't know why my relapse urges have gotten so overwhelming again. It's as bad as it was when I was in high school (junior and senior year) where I'd cut on average every 2 weeks but usually more than that. I remember one time senior year, I legit cut every single day for 2 weeks. I was struggling with suicidal thoughts at the time amongst other shit and that was my solution. I don't particularly want to go back to that but I feel like I am... I cut 2 days again as I lost a really good friend last year on that day and the remembrance of that cause me to do so. I almost cut yesterday because of something that happened at school. And I'm struggling right now not to cut right now. This sucks... This is my leg from Thursday's relapse. They're not deep but still not good... I just can't stop.

Before anyone who for some reason is reading this, I am safe even though I'm dealing with suicidal thoughts at the moment. I just don't see the point right now in living my life. You think with student teaching and learning how to be an educator, I would be happy as I'm learning/preparing for my future in something I want to do, but I'm just not. I just have no energy to fight all of this anymore and I just wonder why I'm trying to...