#I don’t think that wizard guy is a named character but if I’m wrong whoops

[orions-rays]

In honor of the second season of Arcane releasing in a couple months I have decided to finally rewatch the first season for the first time since it aired. And wow. This truly is a generational, era defining masterpiece of art.

I could spend all day talking about it, truth be told, as it’s practically perfect in every aspect, technically, writing wise, aesthetically and so forth. But to keep it concise I just want to talk about its strongest aspect which is its central thesis: how the parent shapes the child and the reverse of this.

There are, of course, the obvious examples like Vander and Vi, Silco and Jinx, but there are also the not so obvious ones where the figure does not necessarily even have to be a parent. Take the mysterious wizard who saves Jayce and his mother. Jayce did not know this person at all, yet it was witnessing this act of kindness that shaped his entire life and reason for living. He wanted to help others like that mysterious savior helped him. As Jayce’s father is not present within the series this wizard acts as a sort of stand in for impressing upon Jayce in a more subtle way as opposed to the season long arcs of Vander/Vi and Silco.

An interesting parallel to this scene is with Viktor. We know nothing about either of his parents, yet we still see a similar situation where he meets Singed for the first time. He attempts to reject it, and runs away both literally and metaphorically from the man and his beliefs. Yet years later he comes crawling back in desperation for his life, something Singed clearly has understood himself already. He gives him the words Viktor lives (or tries to live) by, “The mutation must survive.” Viktor views himself as a mutation of sorts, whether it be because of his debilitating disease or his intellect, still worthy of life regardless of the sacrifices he must make. He seemingly throws this mindset away at the end of the first season…yet, will he remain that way? Or will he come crawling back yet again to Singed’s beliefs and not make that mistake again?

Not only do we see how the parent, or mentor, affects the child, but we see the opposite through Silco. How, in any way, did this show get me to sympathize and feel bad for a homicidal crime lord who controls his subjects through rampant drugs and gambling? The answer is simple: his humanity betrayed him in the end. His grown love for Jinx/Powder overcame his cruelty and drive to use. The last scene where he sits near the statue of Vander and admits he was right is rather heartbreaking and a shocking turn for this character whom we have seen nothing but violence from previously. His quote to cap off the moment, “Is there anything so undoing as a daughter?” could work as summary of the series in of itself.

I am very curious to see how these themes are continued in the next season. Regardless of the choices made I know it will be great. Thanks Arcane for reinforcing my love of animation and art as a whole.

[caravanlurker]

Three Riot Forge games in 2023 lets gooooooooooo

[mouthblabbing under the cut]

The Sylas game is gonna drop earliest this spring!

But sad Chronobreak isn’t gonna come out first since it was announced 3 years ago but that’s prolly a sign that it’s gotta lot of time, love, and work into it?

interesting to me is that the game is titled “the Mageseeker” when Sylas is the main star here, you’d assume they would name it more related after himself. Though I guess it’s not uncommon for games to be named after their bosses/enemies either.

I guess it’d also serve as a cool multi-meaning though since, in-game, Sylas will be also building his revolution and finding fellow mages to rally to him. In a way, he is a ‘mageseeker.” A bit of irony (?) in that sense that that kind of title, of his greatest kind of enemy, would technically apply to him. But it could also be a (hint? joke? can’t find the word) to Sylas’ more villainous traits that’ll probably get spotlighted here, maybe drawing a comparison between him and the mageseekers and the way they can command fear in the Demacian people. Maybe a character will spit that title to Sylas, probably gonna be real insulting to him, to show their contempt of him. From an enemy or a fellow rebel, we’ll have to wait.

Everyone’s kinda hoping that the game will handle the Demacian Mage Riot storyline better this time, and probably yes, but I feel the story is inevitably gonna make a lot a people mad. You got the folks that love Demacian characters and will be upset if the game goes too far in “Demacia bad” or casting champs as complicit, but you also reeaally don’t want the game to side with the “actually, the mages should’ve just asked really nicely. that way the demacians will see how wrong they were and be super cool abt it“ because like???? ???

On to more (bngygbbrfv?) topics. What I didn’t expect was that it’d use pixel art! It didn’t look like that from the trailer since it was far away and viewed on a glass shard in the Forge video, but the description is clear. I’ve got the Hades bias since I think that that games style could serve really nicely, but I’ve also heard that the video snippet makes it look a bit like Wizard of Legend which is also very swag.

Oh god I just realized this but like what if like Poppy’s gonna be a boss? I’m not really sure how uhh aware she even is of the whole political situation in Demacia, if like, at all? But if she is a boss she’ll probably see Sylas breakin stuff and burning down some fancy houses and be like :0 hey dude that’s not very nice or smthng and then they fight idk. Since she’s supposed to like come over when Demacia’s in danger and Sylas at the height of his power would count as dangerous.

On that note, I also hope that the game will also elaborate on how yordles view living in Demacia. Poppy’s a little disconnected from the actual kingdom since she’s focused searching for the hero and stuff, but what about the other lil guys that show up in the LoR cards? They are magical spirits. Like are we gonna do the thing where yordles are considered an exception as long as they’re not using any magic powers, or like they’re kinda self hating magic and stuff, or maybe we’ll go the route where they’re not really considered inherently magical but just like a buncha small animal people that culturally lean towards magic since that’s where their city’s in. Iirc they made is so that Heimer in arcane was that last one, but I’m not actually sure where I heard it from, whoops. God. I don’t like the idea of glamour but wouldn’t it be funny if one of the characters is like really important to contributing the themes of the story gets revealed they’re a yordle, “huh” moment, and everyone goes on with it cuz like?? what am I even saying th? there are implications of yordles in Demacia ig but also I can’t really think of them cuz it’s like 2 am here blarghghghegegeghh

[thisweekingundamwing]

This Week in Gundam Wing June 28 - 4 July 2020

Here’s this week’s roundup!

Remember to give your content creators some love! And join in on the events at the bottom!

~Mod Hel PS. So, I’m really bad at checking my email... I really need to get better at it. Some of these (which I’m sure will be new to a lot of you) are from long before this last week... whoops.

Fanfiction/Snippets/AU Ideas:

@bobo-is-tha-bomb​

Five dates with Mister Handsome https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622383229580771328/five-dates-with-mister-handsome

1xReader (gender unspecified)

reader-insert, second person POV, fluff, romance

He was sinfully good looking and he had agreed to five dates with an idiotic drunk who claimed one single kiss was worth five dates. You couldn’t help but wonder why.

@coffeetailor​

Emergence (Ch. 11) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13322880/chapters/60710743

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Duo Maxwell, Heero Yuy, Quatre Raberba Winner, Trowa Barton, Chang Wufei, Sally Po

Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, borrowers fusion but don't call them borrowers, disturbing themes like people trafficking from the bad guys, Size Difference, Will probably be a series, alternate canon events, Macro/Micro

When the war ended, things went a little strange. First, Duo vanished after never having let them see him in person. Then, years later, a tiny race of people are discovered. And that's just the start of things.

Fun Curses with Catboys https://archiveofourown.org/works/25047898

Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell

Chang Wufei, Duo Maxwell

magic transformation, Size Difference, catboy, Anal Sex, Post-Canon, Magic, wufei's a wizard, thar be porn

When Wufei leaves the Preventers, Duo goes snooping and finds out some things about his favorite (crush) loner. Like his hobbies in gardening, rare book collecting, and… magic? Probably shouldn’t have touched that, Duo. Good thing it’s a fun curse, and there’s a sexy wizard around to help out.

@chronicwhimsy​

Strangers (Ch. 6) https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357013/chapters/60473569

Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell, Background Quatre x Relena, Background Heero x Trowa - Character

OC - Oliver McGann

Long Lost Twins, this was meant to be hijinks but then I got reminded these boys have Issues, Pining, Duo is a stressed-out jerk who needs a holiday, Post-EW, Frozen Teardrop can do one, sex in later chapters because this is me who are we kidding

If you said the word "brother" to Duo Maxwell, he'd think of the other pilots.

If you said, "no, your long-lost brother" to Duo Maxwell, he'd think of Solo and be very confused.

If you said, "no, your twin brother you were separated from at birth, and he's now working with the Preventers as a lawyer" to Duo Maxwell, he would go and punch his doppelganger.

Duo Maxwell isn't good at dealing with things, but unfortunately this particular thing isn't going to go away that easily.

@destinysblackrose​

It Takes a Legend... https://archiveofourown.org/works/25012021

Relena Peacecraft/Heero Yuy, Relena Peacecraft & Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell/Hilde Schbeiker

Heero Yuy, Relena Peacecraft, Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell, Duo Maxwell Jr., Hilde Schbeiker, Chang Wufei

Angst, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Slice of Life, Duo's going to have his ribs broken, Gundam Wing children, #fatherhood, Fatherhood, Father's Day, Crass Humor, teenaged boy humor

“Listen, I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like to be you. You never had a childhood. And you never had a father—” 

“No,” Heero shook his head. “I didn’t. I trained to fight, to kill from…as far back as I can remember.” The visible side of his mouth, from Aidan’s vantage point, turned down.  

“It’s why,” he paused and picked up a wrench from the open drawer. “It’s why sometimes...I’m, I’m at a total loss…” He dropped the hand holding the wrench to his side. Aidan could see his knuckles change color where he throttled the metal implement.  

“Your mom is so much, better at these things… At being there for you.”

@doctormegalomania​

Introspective https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622202012283584512/introspective

Implied 1x2, implied 3x4, implied past 2xH, past 1xR

self-exploration of gender identity and sexuality, reference to past sexual situations (non-explicit), candid conversations

Heero gives some thought to his sexuality.

Your Body’s Poetry (Ch. 20) https://archiveofourown.org/works/20438891/chapters/60737623

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei/Original Female Character(s), Relena Peacecraft & Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell/Original Male Character(s)

Characters: Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei, Sally Po, Relena Peacecraft, Lucrezia Noin, Zechs Merquise, Hilde Schbeiker

Past Relationship(s), Slice of Life, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, Developing Relationship, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence

Long after the wars, long after peace is established the Gundam Pilots discover one immovable fact: Relationships are hard work.

@duointherain​

Beneath: All Those Sounds https://duointherain.tumblr.com/post/622765434690781184/beneath-all-those-sounds-11

Notes: The boys are 35. They are married and they live in Seattle. Heero is a physician and a research scientist. Duo is a stay at home dad and a best selling novelist. They have twins who are spending the holiday with their grandmother Maureen and their godmothers, Rey and Precious. 

It didn’t take much. Neither of them said anything. The fireworks exploded outside their house, somewhere down by the water, far enough away that it was just a soft little press against the windows, against their souls.

Left on Read https://duointherain.tumblr.com/post/622787629087440896/fic-left-on-read-1

Duo Maxwell had decided, several years before, that he didn’t much like Preventers. At the time, he hadn’t know what he did like either. The therapist that Quatre had talked him into seeing had told him this was normal. Trauma would leave a person with little self, especially if the trauma had happened early and consistently. He had said quiet loudly, that day that he had plenty of self, everyone thought so! He was loud and brash and brave and drank too much, and had more lovers than she’d probably had in her whole boring life

@lemontrash​

The Morning Brightens https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622390770875465728/the-morning-brightens

4x5

established relationship, coming out fic, fluff

After a night of not sleeping on it, Wufei discusses something important with Quatre.

@lifeaftermeteor​

Pride https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622300166716833793/pride

1x2

pride parade, slice of life, fluff, asexual duo

Duo has only recently come to terms with his asexuality. It took him a long time to understand it, and even longer to embrace it as inherently part of himself. To celebrate, Heero takes him out onto the streets for New York City’s Pride.

@relenaforpresident​

Just Love: Queerness in Gundam Wing https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622292634598293504/just-love-queerness-in-gundam-wing

No ships but reference to both 1xR and 1x2

non-fiction, personal essay, self-reflection, gender, queerness, fandom

A personal essay on how the Gundam Wing series and fandom community helped me change my personal beliefs on love and gender.

@simulacraryn​

Donguri https://archiveofourown.org/works/24733540

General Audiences

Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Heero Yuy, Odin Lowe

A short piece about Odin Lowe and his young protégé. This is an excerpt from a longer (discontinued) 2009 fic I once posted on ff.net ("Kaifuku"), but it can be read as a standalone piece.

Heero’s Inheritance https://archiveofourown.org/works/24658531

General Audiences

Heero Yuy, Odin Lowe

Illustrations, Headcanon

Just a short headcanon about Heero's past. Illustrated work.

TheManwell

A Season for Vengeance (Ch. 10) https://archiveofourown.org/works/22508074/chapters/53785717

Explicit

Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell, Solo/Heero Yuy

Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell, Catherine Bloom, Cathy's son (OC), Cathy's husband (OC), Heero Yuy, Zechs Merquise, Quinze (Gundam Wing), Solo (Gundam Wing), Nichol (Gundam Wing), Lucrezia Noin

dude in distress, Trowa for MVP, things that go boom, Backstory things, modern day AU, Sequel, alternating pov, Trowa POV, Duo POV

It's been over a year since Duo and Trowa escaped the pain and betrayal and danger of their pasts, went off the grid and started building a new life together. But when Duo's birthday comes and goes without a single obnoxious message from his older brother, they know something is wrong. It's time to break cover and check in. The only problem is that Duo's brother works for a powerful government agency, so making that call will put Duo and Trowa on their radar...

Fanart/Crafts/Photo Manips:

@antarespromise​

https://antarespromise.tumblr.com/post/622394387634257921

Quatre Raberba Winner, fanart

@bettertasting​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622198278449168385/title-proud-artist-cindy-bettertasting

Gboys Pride Banner, @wingqueero​, fanart

@bobo-is-tha-bomb​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622296415384764416/title-in-the-name-of-justice-and-love-artist

Pride Leo “In the name of Justice and Love”, @wingqueero​, gunpla

@coffeetailor​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622303966073683968/title-special-delivery-artist-coffee

Duo/WuFei, @wingqueero​, fanart

@daddywarbats​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622213395485229056/title-just-gals-being-pals-or-not-artist

Hilde/Relena, @wingqueero​, fanart

@deathscythehell​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622209566153818112/artist-tami-deathscythehell-description-one

Duo/Quatre (best dads), @wingqueero​, fanart (comic)

@deejayers​

https://deejayers.tumblr.com/post/622482172907077632/and-wing-is-complete-talk-about-a-monster-this

Wing, gunpla

@gundayum​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622439861179351040/hi-all-gundayum-here-im-gonna-try-and-not-make

Important Thank You, and some partied out WuFei, @wingqueero​, fanart

@gwfrozentears​

https://gwfrozentears.tumblr.com/post/622495742005772288/por-siempre-mi-pareja-favorita

Heero & Relena

https://gwfrozentears.tumblr.com/post/622493743305621504/he-comenzado-a-dibujar-nuevamente-inspirada-en-el

Heero

https://gwfrozentears.tumblr.com/post/622494840371970048

Heero

https://gwfrozentears.tumblr.com/post/622499630050066432

Heero

https://gwfrozentears.tumblr.com/post/622548456296300544

Heero

https://gwfrozentears.tumblr.com/post/622507185094721536

Heero/Relena

@lokineko​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622205797731123200/title-quiet-happiness-artist-lokineko

Trowa/Heero, @wingqueero​, fanart

lotopauanka

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622288883271467008/title-just-married-artist-lotopauanka-social

Heero/Duo, @wingqueero, fanart

@oekakimemo​

https://oekakimemo.tumblr.com/post/622350648656134144/20200630-traditional-painting

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft, fanart

@page-of-wands11​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622379476560609280/title-colourful-kiss-artist-page-of-wands

Heero/Duo, @wingqueero, fanart

@seitou​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622394541550534656/title-pride-walk-artist-seitou-seitou-social

Pride Walk, @wingqueero, fanart

@tatakaumono​

https://tatakaumono.tumblr.com/post/621743027371819008/happy-24-day-pride-dont-tag-as

Quatre/Duo, fanart

@theboringbluecrayon​

https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/post/622387009366982656/title-family-pride-wip-artist-blue

Trowa/Quatre & Family, @wingqueero, fanart

Photosets/Gifsets/Screenshots/Manga Pages:

@bobo-is-tha-bomb​

https://bobo-is-tha-bomb.tumblr.com/post/622708372721025024/never-though-they-would-come-in-but-here-they

GW OST CDs, photo

https://bobo-is-tha-bomb.tumblr.com/post/622456639940919296/always-nice-when-the-mail-man-stops-by

gw artbooks, and other merch, photo

@cuteciboulette​

https://cuteciboulette.tumblr.com/post/622269950937186304/another-extract-from-the-cover-of-the

Heero/Duo, doujinshi “Toki no suna” by Sango Show cover

Fandom Discourse:

@2pcb has created a wonderful discord for gw artists who would like monthly prompts to get those creative juices flowing! DM them if you’d like to join!

@hanryuu would like to know whether anyone has translated the Blind Target drama cds. If you have any information on that we would be grateful!

Quotes:

@incorrectgundamwingquotes​

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/622379465062924288/duo-why-do-bigfoot-hunters-try-to-lure-him-with-a

Duo, Trowa, & WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/622560690151047168/wufei-we-can-talk-about-normality-until-the-cows

WuFei, Heero, Trowa, & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/622470062887075840/heero-run-thisdoesntbothermeexe-brain-file

Heero

Calendar Events:

@gwcocktailfriday​

Cocktail Fridays!

Post responses on Friday, during Happy Hour between 3 & 5 pm in your own timezone.

Here’s the prompt for Friday, July 10th! https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/post/622719166375493632/raspberry-mango-sangria-yield-1-pitcher-prep

In need of FALL/AUTUMN prompts!

@gwoc-october​

GW OC October 2020!

Help pick out prompts!

https://gwoc-october.tumblr.com/post/621130082429337600/hello-gundam-wing-folks-thats-right-gw-oc

@seasons-of-gundamwing

Voting Results: https://seasons-of-gundamwing.tumblr.com/post/622566396369485824/looks-like-well-be-doing-a-hilde-week-thanks-to

Summer of Hilde!

In need of prompts! https://seasons-of-gundamwing.tumblr.com/post/622567839387271168/summer-of-hilde-prompt-call

@wingqueero

Gundam Wing Pride Party 2020

Come check out all the amazing works! https://wingqueero.tumblr.com/

[theartofbeinganeldar]

The Art of Being an Eldar: Legolas x Reader Chapter 5

Summary: After discovering that you were stuck in Middle-Earth, Thranduil summoned a council of powerful Elves and wizards to see what should be done with you, expressing his wishes of wanting you out of his kingdom. The council decides to send you with Legolas on an orc-hunting mission, and if the Elves of the company that he deems trustworthy-- one of them being his own wife-- say that you've proven yourself worthy of staying among the Mirkwood Elves, then you can stay. The problem is actually managing to succeed...

Chapter No.: Chapter 5

Key: [Y/N]=Your Name [F/N]= Friend's Name [B/N]= Bro's Name [S/N]= Sis's Name [M/N]= Mom's Name [e/c]= eye color [h/c]= hair color [s/c]= skin color [lad/lass/y-o]= lad/laddie, lass/lassie, young one

Notes:  I know I've been trying to keep this story gender-nuetral, but dwarves have a habit of referring to people (Even Gimli to Legolas, though he's a lot younger than our golden boy) as "lad/laddie" "lass/lassie." Or even "young one," I've heard Balin call Bilbo. So for this story, I'll just put [lad/lass/y-o] in parenthesese, and you can just hear whichever one you choose. :)

Warnings: Fluff, angst, graphic depictions of gore and violence (Cuz of orc battles y'know?), more angst, slow burn, some light depression in the first few chapters, some amnesia about Middle-Earth because the Valar say you're not supposed to have foresight, hard-core language, feels, lots and lots of feels, mentions of NSFW content, maybe some eventual NSFW content, LGTBQ+ characters, Thranduil being a jackass at first because he's fabulous, Legolas being a hot edgy prince that nobody can handle, Kili being an innocent bean, Hobbits being smol innocent beans, except for Bilbo 'cause he's been through some tough shit, Bard being dad of the year, Thorin being one dumbass boi, awesome dragons, awesome Nazgul, awesome scenery, awesome stuff in general, Elrond isn't listened to by anybody, confused Aragorn is confused,  Denethor's a bitch as always, brace yourself for creepy as fuck Cream of Wormtongue Grima Wormtongue, Boromir LIVES, Gandalf. (yes these are all legit warnings don't judge me.)

Pairings/Ships: Legolas x Reader, Legolas x you, Aragorn x Arwen, Faramir x Eowyn, Thranduil x Elvenqueen, Galadriel x Celery Celeborn, Boromir x OC, Thorin x OC maybe Bilbo you won't know for awhile, Fili x OC, etc. general LoTR standard shippings plus some of my own cuz I can't stand my boys being lonely

Word Count: I try to keep my chapters short, under 2000 words.

Rating: Teen (14+) for now

The Elves stopped just outside the northern border of the Mirkwood, to the west, to wait for the dwarves. But apparently the little guys just didn't give a shit.

The whole group camped for three days, then three more days, and by the end of it, you were even growing impatient. It was mainly the younger Elves that shared your impatience, but Elves like Elvenqueen and Erestor and Haldir seemed to think that they had all the time in the world, la la fucking la...

Legolas seemed in-between, irritated at the dwarves for being so late but not really caring in the long run. You tried several times to approach him and apologize, but he always seemed to disappear at the most inconvenient times imaginable.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity-- you were getting sick and tired of frolicking-- the sign of a camp on a distant ridge, a couple of days away, gave the Elves hope that the dwarves finally got their heads out of their asses and decided to show up. A couple of Elves seemed to puff some horses out of thin air, and galloped off to meet them.

"We get horses?!" You'd screeched, and wheeled on your friends-- Tauriel hadn't come, so Lindir, Elros, and pissy Blue-Eyes were the only actual friends here you had, even though all the other Elves were very nice to you. "Why the fuck didn't anybody tell me we got horses?!" You could've been riding to pass this time. Not that you knew how to ride a horse, but that wasn't the point.

Elros blinked at you in disbelief. "Those Elves awaited us on the border with horses enough for all. You have not seen them before?"

"No, dammit, or I would've been riding to pass the time!" You hadn't noticed them, because a certain Rivendell Elf had forced you to learn Elvish... You rounded on him. "Lindir! If you hadn't made me sit here and learn Elvish, I could've been riding!"

Lindir stared at you, then slowly raised an eyebrow challengingly. "You do not know how to ride, do you?"

You frowned. "That's not the point!"

Both Elros and Lindir chuckled amongst themselves. You huffed theatrically. "Fine, jackasses. I'm off to pet one of those sweet animals. You can teach me Elvish later."

Before either of them could stop you, you all but ran off, hoping not to slam into anybody or trip or cause something to fall that'd cause a huge mess. You were prone to all of them. And there were horses, enough for everybody there, and three very fat ponies that you almost started squealing over. Those, you guessed, were for the dwarves.

But one horse, out of all of them, caught your eye.

A sleek, gorgeous black, with a bright white star on his forehead. He was built for speed, like a racehorse, but he was sturdy, too. You looked for something to mark him as belonging to a certain Elf-- because you knew Elves loved horses, and that like all horse people, even look at their horse wrong and you make it on their kill list-- but they all seemed randomly selected out of somebody's stables, dressed in the same dark leather tack and saddlebags.

"Oooooh," You approached him quietly, and he nickered softly at you, his dark eyes scanning you and the Elves and the other horses warily. He seemed only recently tamed. "You, fine sir, are gorgeous."

"I beg your pardon?"

You promptly fell backward. Shit! Talking horses, too?! "What the fuck?!"

Legolas, with a smug smirk plastered onto his absurdly perfect face, sailed into existence from around a dapple gray mare. "Valar tell me you were talking to the horse."

"No, I can tell you I was talking to the horse," You sighed in relief, shaking your head as you stood. "But don't worry your platinum head, Goldie, all Elves are equally beautiful creatures."

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, mellon."

You stroked the black's face gently. "No seriously though, he's beautiful. Does he have a name?"

Blue-Eyes didn't look up from brushing his mare's mane. "Most of the horses came from Rivendell and Rohan, which they bought on the journey. The rest came from the Woodland stables. I doubt you will find his name, if he has one."

You felt a little disappointed that you couldn't ask if you could have the horse. You'd always wanted one, but for... Personal reasons that had to do with your biological father, you never got one. "Well... I'll just refer to him as The Black, then."

Blue-Eyes turned around, and started inspecting his tack. "Hm... He seems to have come from our own stables." He stroked behind the stallion's ears, and the horse snuffed appreciatively.

"Legolas," You said quickly, realizing you should catch him when you have the chance. "I'm sorry for not telling you about me leaving if this didn't go well. It wasn't my choice; Thranduil wanted me to go with Elrond that day, but I asked if I could stay. He sent me on this mission to see if I was worthy enough to stay in his Palace of Fabulous. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but... I didn't think anyone would care if I left."

Blue-Eyes got a confused look. "Why... Why would you think that?"

You gave him a sad, lopsided smile. "No one has before."

Recognition, then regret, flashed across Blue-Eyes's face. "Oh, Sairen... I am truly sorry, mellon nin, I should not have been angry with you. I didn't realize... I should have, and I should not have been upset with you. I just... I do care if you leave, and, if I'm honest, I do not want you to go."

You patted his shoulder. "Just so long as you forgive me."

Blue-Eyes smiled at you. "Of course, mellon, if you can forgive me."

You grinned. "Forgiven." You nudged him with your shoulder. "I'm just glad we're friends again. I've never had so many people be nice to me, but only a handful of you I consider my friends."

"And who among us hold that honor?" He asked teasingly.

Oh shit... You'd seen movies where somebody's asked this question, and if the askee shows even the slightest bit of hesitation or interest in any of the friends, asker became pissed and/or jealous. Wait... Why do I care about that? You turned to him with a huge smile. "Well you and Tauriel, DUH, and then there's Lindir and Elros now. Just wait, I'll be friends with Haldir and Erestor too, and then your mom-- by the time I'm finished I'll even make your dad like me!"

Legolas chuckled. "I hope so, mellon."

"By the way," You said, and reached down to grab a handful of grass to give to the Black. "Lindir and Elros are trying-- and failing-- to teach me Elvish. I'm a horrible student, namely because I'm Elvish-challenged. Still, I'm learning, and I want you to teach me something very specific."

He looked confused. "What?"

You smiled. "Teach me the history of Middle-Earth! Everything you can! I can't read Elvish, but you can, and you know the stories pretty well, I'm guessing. So start with how the world began and continue on from there."

Legolas smiled. "Very well, Sairen." In one quick movement, he mounted his mare, then reached down for your hand. "Come. We will ride, and I will tell you all that I know."

You took his hand, feeling a spark from static you'd built up from petting the horse. He hefted you effortlessly up behind him, then urged his horse into a canter as you rode away from camp.

***

Needless to say, you fell off twice.

Once, you let go of Legolas for just a second as his mare jumped a small log, and whoops, there you go. After, still not learning your lesson, you let go of him while trotting beside a river and the horse's gait made you slide right off before you even realized what was happening.

Then you learned not to let go of Blue-Eyes, mostly because he laughed his Elvish ass off every time you fell, after making sure you were okay.

As for world history, it was all very confusing. There were like six different versions of somebody and a hundred different other guys shared the same name and places and descendants and confusing time periods and just ugh. That was one thing you remembered from Earth: Tolkien's works had always been confusing.

Long story short, though, there was a guy called Eru, or Illuvatar, and he created a bunch of friends through thought. These friends of his became the Valar, and Illuvatar created the whole universe-- Ea-- through more thought. Then he had all his friends-- fourteen of them-- sing, and they created the vision of Valinor, then Arda, and the mischief-maker was Melkor, brother of god-king Manwe.

Now, after a long bout of building and making and stuff they created Valinor and Tirion and Mandos and all that, and they created birds and beasts, but Melkor got jealous and tried to ruin it at every fucking turn. Seriously, the guy didn't give them a break.

Then, Aule, another Valar, who made a lot of shit, wanted to have a bunch of kids so created the little guys known as dwarves, and made them to be especially tough and hardy and stuff because they were supposed to be around during the time of Melkor. But, Illuvatar appeared in his living room one night and said "I think the fuck not my kids come first" which made Aule reeeaaaaaallly upset, so he tried to kill the dwarves (Supreme parenting 2.0!), but then Illuvatar said "wait idiot they can still live" so Aule put them in stasis-mode for like several million years, until somebody "accidentally" unleashed some new Elves into Middle-Earth-- which had no moon or sun.

So duh Orome shows up, says "hi" and everybody runs for their lives except for a few brave souls, who round everybody back up. So three particular Elves, Finwe, Lenwe, and Ingwe, who you're pretty sure were brothers, went to Valinor with Orome to see if it was suitable for Elves-- and it was pretty much Elven paradise, or Vegas or something.

THUS CAME THE FIRST SUNDERING OF THE ELVES, or, that's how dramatically Leggy told it; the Teleri came to rest on the shores of Aman instead of going still further (Who earlier had split further and some became the Sindar, who had stayed in Beleriand, and the Silvan Elves, who'd stayed in the forests of Beleriand or something, of which Blue-Eyes was the first.), the Nandor who got scared of mountains and refused to go further, and the Noldor, who came all the way to Valinor.

Once actually in Aman, the Elves loved it there. They were in paradise. Water. Books. Flowers. Sparkles. Everything an Elf dreamed of. They built a city on a huge hill called Tirion upon Tuna (No you refrained from laughing.), made of silver and gold and more sparkles, and there was lots of peace, until Melkor was finally caught and chained.

Peace, lots of peace, boring shit, more peace, then BAM, the idiot Valar let the bastard go, like dumbasses. Melkor hadn't changed of course, no one does. He started rumors like some crazy gossiper and started up a whole bunch of shit. At that time, this guy called Feanor was around. He was like, the Elf of Elves, but he had some breathtaking anger management issues because after his mom died, his dad waited like a couple thousand years then got married again, and he definitely did not like his stepmom.

Or his two half-brothers.

They were pretty cool guys, Fingolfin and Finarfin, and each brother had like a dozen kids each, one of Finarfin's, get this, was Galadriel. One of Thingol's kin? Celeborn. Elrond? Yeah, he's the grandson of Beren and Luthien, the son of Earendil, raised by Maglor, related to Turin, and his grandparents were Tuor and Idril, the latter of which was the daughter of Turgon, who was the son of Fingolfin, who was the brother of Feanor, so yeah.

Holy fucking shit. Their god stories were kinda hard not to believe when people still existed who could vouch for them.

So this Feanor guy created a trio of sparklies beyond all sparklies, called, the Silmarils. He got a mild case of dragonsickness, boasting and hoarding and showing off and gloating, but Melkor made him think his brothers were trying to steal his sparkles, which, fuck no, how dare they, and he made his brothers think that Feanor was trying to usurp their father Finwe's throne.

Damn that guy knew how to stir up some shit.

One of Melkor's chief servants? Sauron, the Dark Lord, previously known as Sauron the Sparkly Maiar Who Wouldn't Hurt A Butterfly. Balrogs? Yup, Melkor made them, too.

Basically, Feanor started a revolution against the Valar and Melkor, who he called Morgoth, because Melkor was just too pretty of a name for such a bad guy, who stole every single light with the help of a hideously large spider called Ungoliant, killed Finwe, then took the Silmarils.

Feanor was piiiiiiissed.

So the Noldor left Tirion, killed some guys that tried to reason with them that turned out to be Elves, the Teleri, got cursed by Mandos, then Feanor, his sons, and a couple hundred who he knew didn't question him set off on stolen boats and burned them when they reached shore, leaving everybody else-- Galadriel included-- to walk the fucking Helcaraxe, a snowy strait wasteland, to get to Beleriand, which was filled with sparkling twinkle-toes Elves and much-less-serious dwarves-- who were friends.

There was also a good portion of the story dedicated to Turin, Beren and Luthien, and the couple known as Maedhros and Fingon, who you instantly adored: Maedhros, chained to a jagged cliffside for who-knows-how-long, and Fingon, who wanted so badly to save him, and eventually carried up to the cliffside by an eagle; he had to cut off Maedhros's hand, but the story was so heartfelt you were still internally squealing about it.

Yeah so that happened, and then a bunch of war and slaying and something about a Fall of Gondolin and the Children of Hurin and Beren and Luthien leading up to a whole lot of human-caused shit with Numenor, and then Illuvatar blew everything up and restarted, essentially. Toward the end of the second age, Sauron (The fucker had somehow lived through all that evil-cleansing shit.), in the form of a fancy-prancy Elf named Annatar, suggested the making of the Rings of Power. Three, a smart guy who hadn't fallen for any of Annatar's shit, Celebrimbor, hid for the Elves, while Sauron/Annator helped forge the rest in order to control them, making one ring, above all.

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the dwarf  lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for mortal men doomed to die,

And one for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne,

In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie,

One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,

In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

That was totally cool and stuff, and a handful of well-known Elves-- Gil-Galad, Glorfindel (Who'd uh, previously died due to a balrog trying to touch his hair.), Elrond-- and you're betting Galadriel, Celeborn, and Thranduil-- plus a bunch of well-known humans, lead by Isildur's dad, Elendil, and probably some dwarves, all came together with their armies and formed the Last Alliance of Elves and Men, totally discounting every dwarf that was there.

The nine kings who'd been given rings? Yeah, those were cursed, and because Men are greedy, they became shadows of their former selves, black-clad servants of Sauron, known as the Ringwraiths-- or, even cooler, Nazgul.

So there was a huge battle. Gil-Galad fell. Isildur's dad fell. Isildur cut off the One Ring from Sauron's hand, Sauron faded away, and Elrond took Isildur into Mount Doom to destroy the Ring. But he was weak, and was seduced by its power, and Elrond just stood there screaming his name apparently.

So there'd been roughly a couple thousand years of peace, and nobody knew where the Ring was. You doubted it was anywhere safe or secure, and much less that Sauron was actually dead.

Also, the Elves were fading. That scared you.

"What?! Great, I got sucked into a world where I'm just gonna die!"

Legolas laughed. "No, mellon nin, we are fading. Not dying. We just long for home, and our kind is slowly leaving Middle-Earth. This world becomes gray to us after so long of living here. We go across the sea, to the Undying Lands of Aman and Valinor."

"Okay," You leaned around him to see his face. "What is it with you Elves and the sea?! What's so important about it, if even you've never seen it yourself?! I certainly haven't seen any kind of ocean or sea."

Blue-Eyes smiled at you. "The first sound ever heard by the Elves was flowing water. It calls us home, in a way. It is said by my people that in water there yet lives the echo of the Music of the Ainur that first created this world."

"Huh," You said, tilting your head. "Guess that does make it really interesting..."

The sound of another pair of hoofbeats, coming up from behind, nearly made you fall off of the horse again. "Orcs?!"

Blue-Eyes grinned smugly. "Orcs do not ride horses, Sairen."

"Duh. I knew that. Fuck you."

"I'd rather you not without my consent."

"That's not always what it means!" You hid your blush by moving so your head was behind his back. Damn Elves...

It was Erestor, riding a gorgeous flaxen stallion. "Legolas, Elvenqueen calls upon the company of [Y/N]."

Nervously, you peered around Blue-Eyes's side. "Is that bad?"

Legolas spurred his own mare into a canter as he followed after Erestor. "Not in the least, mellon."

When you returned to camp, Erestor and Legolas took care of the horses, while they sent you on ahead-- by yourself, to a scary yet badass Elvenqueen you might glare you out of existence if you breathed wrong, like the wonderful friends they were-- to the Elvenqueen.

She sat by one of the center campfires, surrounded by a drove of Elves eagerly listening to whatever she was saying. Even in the firelight, she looked really young, but really regal and noble and even though she didn't have a wrinkle on her body you could tell she'd been around for eons.

All went silent when you approached. Nervously, you bowed. "Y-you wished to see me, your majesty?"

"Yes," She said, and waved to a place on a log across from her. "Sit."

You weren't terrified or anything. Just 'cause she decided not to skin you alive a couple days ago didn't mean she couldn't change her mind. You caught a glimpse of Elros in the crowd, and he gave you a reassuring nod: Don't worry, you won't die yet.

Comforting.

"Tell something of your world," She said.

You balked. Hadn't Thranduil told her everything you'd said? They seemed like the type of couple to do just that. Hadn't Legolas at least given her some information? They seemed close. You swallowed hard, readjusting yourself on the log. "What uh... What do you want to know?"

She thought for a second. "A tale."

You shifted. Sure, that was specific. You'd read billions of books (Well, maybe not quite that much...), but you couldn't remember any that Elves would want to hear aside from series’, like Temeraire, or The Gospel of Loki, or Eon the Last Dragoneye. Maybe you could use a movie, but Marvel and Transformers were too long and in-depth. You thought for a minute. You didn't even know how to give a much-shortened version of Eragon.

But out of everything, it was your best bet to tell a story and be safe from explaining your world's past, or things of your world, or cultures, mythology, or the concept of giant robots from another planet that hide by transforming into cars. Eragon was the closest thing you had to Lord of the Rings that you could remember right off the top of your head that was most similar; it had some of the same beasts, like dragons and werewolves, it was set in the same genre and had dwarves and Elves and Men, even if urgals were a new one... Then again, you weren't sure how they'd take dragons being good instead of hoarding assholes.

So, you got started.

As a hobby, you wrote a lot of fanfiction, which had mainly been for Lord of the Rings; you couldn't remember any of it now, of course, but you'd also started your own fantasy stories that had never been published. You were good with storytelling.

There were points where you had to pause and remember what happened next, or try to find words that explained the guilt or sadness or general feels of the story, but you did pretty good. By the time you were finished, the sun had came up and it was already noon, and the Elves that'd gone off to see if that camp was for dwarves were coming back, with a couple of pony-sized rams with shaggy coats carrying three tiny buff hairy guys.

Elvenqueen regally stood. "My thanks, [Y/N]. That was a wonderful story." She sailed through the ranks of the Elves, which parted before her like reeds to a boat.

"Is that a true story?" Lindir asked you, eyes wide.

You scoffed. "If it were true, I'd've had a dragon named Saphira or Shruikan. I have no dragon." You clapped your hands together. "So! When do I get to meet the dwarves?"

Blue-Eyes-- who'd joined later in the story, and another Elf caught him up on what was going on while he half-listened to what else was going on-- mockingly rolled his eyes. "Patience, mellon. I cannot think of any Eldar whom would willingly want to make the acquaintance of a dwarf."

You gave him a pointed look. "What about Thingol's people?"

Silence. Finally, Elros busted out laughing, and clapped the now-stunned Legolas on the back. "They have a point, mellon!"

But Blue-Eyes was right. It was only a couple hours before you were sought out by a Lothlorien Elf, who told you Thorin wanted to meet "the one who hailed from far." Apparently, nobody here felt like saying "the person that came from another planet." Not as mysterious, apparently.

So you followed the Elf to a tent, much smaller than those of the Elves, and a lot less colorful and, dare you say it, fashionable. Literally, it just looked like a bunch of old dark-colored blankets had been stitched together haphazardly. But, if you looked at the tools and tack of the rams, they were just doing it in spite of the Elves, because they had really good craftsmanship.

You weren't sure what to do. "Uhhh... Knock knock?"

You belatedly remembered one of the dwarves was royalty. "Sirs?"

The flap of the tent opened, and you got your first look at a dwarf.

He was an older dwarf, with a long graying beard and frizzy hair, and huge round ears. He looked you up and down in a brief but kind inspection, and, came to the very educated conclusion of, yup, not your normal Elf.

The dwarf smiled. "Ah, you must be [Y/N]." He sounded more Scottish than anything, and you were instantly relaxed. "The one from a far place. Not a normal Elf, then?"

You shook your head. "No sir. Just got here about a month and a half ago, actually."

He raised a hand. "Now now, we are all a part of this expedition, and I don't like being referred to as 'sir.' I am Balin to you."

You couldn't help but smile. He was a lovable little guy, a very sweet old dwarf. "Okay then. But, uh... Should I call Thorin or Dwalin 'sir'?"

Balin thought about that. "Ehhh... Thorin, yes. Dwalin? No."

You nodded, and Balin lead you inside the tent. It was pretty cozy, with three logs covered in roughish furs for makeshift beds. A small cooking fire was set up in the middle, and two other dwarves sat by it, halting their dwarvish conversation when they seen you and Balin. "This is they," Said Balin, in an introductory way. "[Y/N], child of [M/N], from far places."

The dwarf who you assumed was Dwalin-- buff, sleeveless, and with viscious muttonchops that made him look like Wolverine-- scoffed. "Tell me," Holy shit, he sounds like Leonidas from 300! "[Y/N], do you perhaps come from the Iron Hills?"

"Iron... What?" You were confused. Hadn't any of the Elves talked about you being from Earth? "N...No. I come from a place called Earth."

"Dwalin," Said the other guy, who radiated kingship, authority, and regal dwarfish-ness. He didn't take his eyes off you, like you were a predator ready to strike that he was wary of. He had a beard, but braided neatly down, and long dark hair. He wore dark navy blue and brown fur armor, and his voice was like, super deep. "They are not of the Iron Hills."

"Uh... Thank you?"

Thorin stood, and you bowed. "I'd uh, use some really respectful greeting, but I don't know any in dwarvish yet, so, it's an honor to meet you, Thorin, son of Thrain."

Thorin nodded. "I would say the same, if I knew you deserved any honor," He replied. Ouch.

You didn't know what to say. He obviously had no love for Elves. "What uh... What made you think I was from the Iron Hills, wherever that is?"

"To the east of Erebor, [lad/lass/y-o]," Balin informed you, and Dwalin whacked him so hard upside the head you could've swore they broke something.

"Oh. What made you think--"

Thorin looked at you with a look that said stfu so you did. "The dwarves of Erebor think little of Elven magic, or wizards. We did not believe a portal strong enough to pull someone from another world could exist. And as I have discovered, it does not."

You were confused. "What do you mean? You mean the ears? Those were latex, I swear, but suddenly they weren't. You can ask Thranduil, I'm not from these parts."

Thorin glared at you. "I would rather not converse with the Elvenking. He does not hear the word of others. As for you... It is clear you are merely an Elf of strange upbringing, who lost themselves in the wrong woods."

"Okay," You were starting to get irritated. You loved Middle-Earth, but you weren't from Middle-Earth. You didn't belong, like always, and you were ready to defend your position. In Game of Thrones--you'd never gotten far in that series, and had only started the books-- Tyrion Lannister told Jon Snow to armor himself in what people thought his weakness was, so that it would no longer be his weakness. That's exactly what you'd done over the course of your life, and you weren't about to lose that now. "Listen, I can show you the damn portal. It wasn't made by Elves, or wizards, or any of that other shit. The inscription on the portal came from the time of Gondolin, if that means anything to you. Do I talk like an Elf, to you? Do I act like one? The Elves were ready to kill me, just because I breathed wrong near their damn trees after being chased by orcs on oversized dogs. If I weren't from another world, do you honestly think I'd have such elaborate stories?"

Behind Thorin, Balin patted his hands down, giving you the silent signal to shut up. Glacing at Thorin's pissed off face made you listen. "How am I to believe you?"

You made a face. "Don't you dwarves have any kind of lie-detecting abilites?"

Balin sighed. "None that we can think of, [lad/lass/y-o]."

You huffed in defeat. "Okay, okay, you know what? You dwarves are beyond stubborn, so I'll just tell you once: I come from another world. If you don't believe me, fine, but I'd actually like to make friends with dwarves, thank you very much."

"Oh!" Dwalin chuckled deeply. "Then they must not be an Elf, Thorin! None in their right mind would go cavorting with a dwarf!"

Thorin frowned. "Perhaps a spy... But wait... You are not of the Woodland Elves. I see that now."

You looked down at yourself. "Gee, what gave it away?"

"You carry yourself differently," He began to circle you, and you felt like you were being circled by a vulture. An angry vulture... "Most unlike them, or any Elf I have heard tale of. Whom were you raised by?"

"Uh, my mother," You quipped with a cocked eyebrow. "Her name is [M/N]."

"And where do your kin reside? With the Rangers of Dúnadain?"

"With the what? Is that some kind of club?"

"Club?" Thorin repeated. "You believe that to be a weapon?" He gave you a disbelieving look, and you sighed.

"No, no. Where I come from, a club is a group of people that gather together and talk about stuff they like, or try to run the schools or shit like that," You were trying to explain with excessive hand movements, but you only seemed to be freaking him out.

He narrowed his eyes. In a rough and rusty language that sounded like it could be dwarvish, he said something; you didn't even catch any of the words.

You stared at him blankly for a second. "Mae g'ovannen...?" You tried, wincing at your hopeless pronunciation of the words.

Thorin regarded you with a newfound look of awe. Behind him, Dwalin chuckled. "That, was his attempt at Elvish. And you did not understand what he said?"

You stared. "...No? Was I supposed to? Did you just say something important? Or insult me? Hey, I'm only just starting to learn Sindarin!"

Thorin's look of awe shifted to a scowl and a bitter smirk. "It was not Sindarin, I can assure you. It was Quendi, that of the Noldor, the only Elvish my people know."

"Quen-- Oh, I get it now. Different Elves, different languages, it's all coming together..." You swung your arms casually. "Ok, so, what'd you say?"

"I told you that you are an imposter, and no better than Orc-filth" Said Thorin absentmindedly, "Which would send any Elf into a fit of well-groomed rage."

You couldn't help yourself. You burst into a fit of giggles, making all three dwarves look at you weirdly. "I-I'm sorry," You wheezed, "'Well-groomed rage'; yeah, that's pretty much what they do!"

"What of this quest, then?" Challenged Thorin as he took a seat. He gestured for you to do the same. "If you are not of the Wood Elves, yet you are indeed Elven, why are you on this journey? What purpose do you have here?" He poured you a drink; you'd never really tasted ale or mead of any kind, and recoiled from the smell.

"In order for you to understand, I'd have to tell you the story," You told him, and he gestured for you to continue. So you did. "I fell from the highest branches of an oak tree playing a game with my family. It was a standard day. Standard, pointless life. A life in a dying world that was way too fucking overpopulated, in the wrong damn places. It was a twisted kind of home. I didn't like it, and did what I wanted, so people hated me. I was dressed as an Elf--hence the ears.

"I wake up in the middle of the night, still in the forest, and am suddenly being chased by orcs on the backs of oversized dogs with six-packs on their faces."

Thorin grew confused. "Six-pack? What is that?"

You patted your stomach. "Those rows of six square tight muscles you get on you stomach if you work out. Now lemme finish!

"I get caught up in a river, shot by an arrow, and am half-dead by the time the Elves arrive lead by Blue-Eyes-- uh, Legolas-- and they're ready to kill me, but because I'm pretty much dead and in their forest, I'm some kind of threat. Because they're real nice like that. Thranduil-- who I kindly refer to as, Lord Fabulous-- wanted Leggy to kill me on the spot. Blade to my neck and everything. Until I pointed out that I could go home if we found the portal and would never return by pain of death. Ouch, but whatever.

"So we look, find it, and surprise! Can't get through. Can never see my family again. Can never go home. Suddenly I'm a real Elf. I go into a kind of depression before I realize that this place was a fictional world from where I'm from, which I'd loved, but for some reason can't remember shit now." You pointed to him. "Your name is important. Very. I know that much. You do something really cool, probably.

"But the Council of Wisdomy Guys was summoned, and they decided that it would be best if I proved my worthiness to stay among the Wood Elves on this mission. No pressure!" You grinned maniacally. "What brings you here? I hear a certain gray-robed wizard?"

"Ah, yes," He sighed. "Gandalf. My father met with him whilst I was in the depths of Erebor, so I heard no word of it and could make no protest against it until my father told me that I was to travel with two of my choice to assist the Elves. I only tolerate this for my father's sake, and he claims this will be a good lesson for kingship one day. But when I heard word of someone from foreign lands, I feared it was the dwarves of the Iron Hills attempting some form of scheme. Never have they liked us, and they never shall."

You scoffed. "Yeah, well... Most of the Elves may not like you either, but some of them aren't so bad."

Dwalin choked on his bread. Balin gave you a sad look. "But they tried to kill you!"

You shrugged. "I'm used to getting awful treatment. And besides, now that they know me, I've made some friends. Tauríel, the Captain of the Guard; Lindir of Rivendell, and Elros son of Elrond... And then there's Blue-- Legolas."

"Why d'ya refer to him that way?" Dwalin demanded with a disgusted look.

You shrugged. "A nickname. Where I come from, it's a gesture of friendship. I call Lindir 'Lindy' and he hates it, I can tell."

Thorin snorted. "Well, [Y/N] of Earth... Should the Wood Elves refuse your company, Dale might make a nice, temporary placement until you find elsewhere."

You smirked, nodding slowly. "I heard that emphasis on temporary. Don't worry; I thank you for your hospitality, but Lord Elrond is staying at the palace until I return. If I fail, he'll take me back to Rivendell with him."

"Good. One less Elf on our borders to deal with."

"Oh screw off."

Thorin grinned bitterly, but waved a hand. "Begone, I am done with questioning you."

You scoffed, and Dwalin took your drink and guzzled it. to your shock and amazement. Out of the three of them, only Balin wished you a goodnight.

But you weren't tired, which you realized as you found yourself heading back toward the horses. "[Y/N]," Said a familiar voice, and you turned to see Haldir striding toward you.

You bowed, suddenly recognizing him as somebody of high rank. "Mae l'ovannen, Haldir of Lothlorien. What's up?"

He blinked in confusion. "I..." He slowly looked up. "Believe the stars..."

You chuckled. "No, no; that's an expression, where I come from. It means how are you doing, what is it you need, nice to see you, etcetera etcetera."

He stared at you. "...'Et... Cetera...?'"

You slumped over. "Oi... It means a general list of similar meanings that're implied but nobody feels like saying."

Haldir smiled. "Oh, I see. Lindir wished for you to return, so that you could continue your lessons in Sindarin." He didn't miss your look of disappointment. He smirked. "Perhaps, when you are finished with Sindarin, and already know Common, Quenyan would be best for you to learn."

"Pfft," You waved a hand. "I'll live forever. Might as well. I'll toss some dwarvish in there while I'm at it."

Haldir made a face. "I suppose that is up to you, but every dwarf speaks Common, so it would not pose any form of language barrier for that to be avoided..."

*** You were woken up no later than the crack of fucking dawn, by an elaborate blowing of horns that probably alerted ninety-seven percent of the orcs of the northern borders to your presence, but oh what the hell.

What else you woke up to?

"Galu, mellon nin," Said Legolas with a shit-eating grin. "Ci maer?"

Slowly, your groggy eyes went from wide to thin, angry slits. "...I swear to the Valar, Blue-Eyes... I just fucking woke up. What are you saying? Speak in Common, or I'll tear you limb from limb because I am not a morning person."

He gave you a look, but couldn't wipe the smile off his face. "Le leich, Sairen. But if you are going to learn Elvish, then you must actually try to do so. Tell me, what did I say?"

You shrugged and slumped over onto a log. "Grapefruit, melons win, kid mobster."

Blue-Eyes chuckled, but internally, you busted out laughing after realizing what you said. "No, [Y/N], you have to do this. Concentrate. What did I say?"

With a sigh, you thought about Lindir's grueling lessons with you yesterday. "...You said, 'A blessing,' which is basically 'hi,' first; Galu. Then you said 'my friend,' and, 'are you well.'"

Blue-Eyes nodded, looking excited that you were getting the hang of Elvish. "Excellent. Now respond to me in Sindarin."

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. In the most unenthusiastic tone you could muster, you said, "Galu, Legolas, ni maer. A gin?" Blessings, Legolas, I am well. And you?

"Ni maer," He replied, then began polishing his bow. "Worry not, Sairen, soon Sindarin will come to you thoughtlessly. You already swear to our gods, instead of your own."

You did roll your eyes this time. An idea hit you. "Hey..." You looked at him with a huge smirk. "What's fuck you in Elvish?"

Legolas paled, then blushed. "You will learn how to speak intimately to another later--"

You huffed. "NO! What's your most offensive insult?!"

Blue-Eyes thought for a minute. "...Ego, which is the equivalent to what you mean when you proclaim that Common phrase of yours... Hopefully, most of the time."

You bit back a laugh. "...Eggo? As in, L'eggo my eggo?"

Blue-Eyes gave you a concerned look. "I... I am not sure what you mean, and it is not pronounced as you say it."

Commotion started up, and you spun around in your seat wildly to try and see why everybody was suddenly moving and packing up. "What's goin' on?"

Legolas smiled. "Well, Sairen, we are off to track the orcs."

You looked at him in a panic, pointing futilely to an Elf packing up the cooking supplies. "B-but... What about breakfast?" That sentence reminded you of someone... Someone small and innocent and prone to causing disasters... But who? Blue-Eyes didn't give you time to figure it out.

"You will not starve, mellon nin," He told you gently, and stood. "You are an Eldar now; you'd best learn what your body can do now rather than later." He smiled down at you. "Dadwenithon."

As if you understood what that meant, he practically skipped away. "...Dad marathon?" You repeated in disbelief. You got up and went to find somebody you knew, preferably not the Elvenqueen, Erestor, Haldir, or Thorin, because they'd just find you childish, or annoying. Elros was quick to find, and you approached him and his palomino steed with a very confused expression.

"Hey Elros?"

Elros looked up from brushing his horse's mane and smiled. "Ai, len suilon, mellon nin. Ci maer?"

You rolled your eyes. Stupid Elves and their five hundred different ways to say 'hi...' "Galu, Elros. Ni maer, a gin?"

"Ni maer eithro. What brings you to my company?"

"What the hell does dad marathon mean?"

Elros froze and looked at you like you were crazy. "I beg your pardon?"

You gestured wildly over your shoulder. "Legolas got up, walked away, and said dad marathon! And I've got no idea what he said!"

Elros grinned knowingly. "Ai,Legolas said dadwenithon. It means, roughly, I will return." He gave you a disgusted look. "And that is not how it is pronounced at all."

"Oh. Dadwenithon?"

Elros smiled proudly. "Yes! Precisely! Well done! But if Legolas told you he would return to you, evidently he meant for you to stay where you were."

Your eyes bugged out of your head. "Oh. I'll be going, then. Novaer." You didn't realize you'd said an Elvish farewell until you'd reached where you'd originally been seated, but that jumped out of your head when you seen Legolas waiting with his dappled mare and the black stallion (Heh heh...) from yesterday.

"Ooh! What's this all about?"

"I decided you should have your own mount throughout the course of this journey," He replied with a smile. "He is yours for now. Name him as you will, and by the end of this journey, I shall see if you may keep him."

You stared at him like he'd just grown a second head. "Wh... What? Keep him?"

Legolas smiled. "Surely you would wish to ride at will throughout the northern parts of Mirkwood?"

A huge smile spread across your face, and you excitedly spread your hands. "Well, duh! Gin hannon, Legolas! I'll call him..." You took the reins and looked him in the eye. "Starlight. I've always wanted a black horse called Starlight."

Blue-Eyes patted your back. "Well done, mellon. Already, Elvish is beginning to seep into your speech."

You looked at him in surprise. "I did that on purpose you dumb blond."

Legolas's eyes widened slightly. "Man?" Which you understood as, What?

You stuck your tongue out at him and crossed your eyes. "Blehlehleh!"

He recoiled. "What are you doing?"

With a laugh, you stroked Starlight's muzzle. "Messing with you. So you get up from the left side, right?"

Blue-Eyes just looked at you like you were crazy, then shook his head. "Yes, I suppose."

You went around to the left flank of the steed, which snorted suspiciously at you, like it wanted to know what the fuck you were doing. You peered at Blue-Eyes over the stallion's back. "Gimme a leg up?"

Legolas flushed and stared at you blankly. "If that is one of your vulgar insults, I swear to Illuvatar..."

A laugh escaped your throat. "No! Hell no! It means help me up, you moron!"

A sweet smile crossed Blue-Eye's features. "Well, then, come here, mellon nin, and I will aid you." He interlaced his fingers together as he bent down, allowing you to grip both ends of the saddle, step into his hand, and haul yourself up. You nearly fell off the other side, but just managed to catch yourself before you made yourself look like a complete idiot in front of Blue-Eyes, who noticed your struggle but said nothing, to your sweet relief.

Elros trotted through camp on his palomino, saying "Und wendo'hein!"

Legolas mounted his dapple-gray, and looked you up and down. "You are not sitting correctly." He told you, and reached over to pull your shoulders back. "Your shoulders need to make a line to your ankles in the stirrups."

You rolled your eyes sarcastically. "Great, now you sound like my collection of Young Rider magazines."

"Your what?" Legolas looked almost offended.

"It's basically a book only about twenty pages long made of cheap paper and filled with random tidbits of information. This series I started collecting when I was eight or nine, then continued until I was about twelve, thirteen... I had a lot of them. I loved horses."

Blue-Eyes furrowed his brow. "Did you have one?"

You scoffed. "In my world, you either have to be rich like Saddle Club or own a farm like Racing Stripes. Or, by some miracle get saved by a badass black Arabian stallion on a desert island." You smiled cheekily at him. "Which, by the way, your facial structure really reminds me of an Arabian horse's. Dished, kinda. And perfect and majestic and all that shit."

Blue-Eyes just looked like he was suddenly being attacked by a pack of savage wargs and he wasn't quite sure what to do. You grinned, and did the first thing all of the books and movies you'd read as a kid had taught you: gently tap your heels into the horse's flanks, and carefully guide their head with the reins. Starlight tossed his head, eager to get moving at a faster pace, and nickered softly as he started off at a walk. Legolas beamed at you as he rode beside you. "Well well, Sairen, it seems you are a natural at riding a horse. Perhaps the blood of the Eldar is finally starting to take a hold of you."

"Not quite," Said a new voice, and Lindir rode up on a sleek bay with a mischievous smile. "Suilad, Legolas! [Y/N]! Your Elvish is improving, but you still need to learn more."

You slumped in the saddle. "Augh, man, do I have to?"

Legolas and Lindir grinned wickedly at each other. "Ai, Lindir, man í lú?"

"Ú, Legolas. Eithro, ci maer?"

"Ni maer, mellon nin, ni maer."

So for a whole five or six hours on the trip, you got bombarded on either side by Blue-Eyes and Lindir trying to teach you Sindarin. At the end of the day, the Elvenqueen asked you for another story, so you told her the first one that popped into your head that you could honestly remember most of: Alladin's Lamp. It had been your favorite fairytail as a child, and while it was meant for younger audiences, the Elves enjoyed it just as much.

Then, Thorin asked to see you again. He asked about your world, and what it was like, and you were happy to get to know them, even if you were an Elf now.

And that's how it went, for the next few weeks. Unfortunately, at some point you'd run out of memorized storybooks, so you focused on myths from various mythologies, and then, even movies. 300 seemed to be a favorite of Thorin's, who overheard, but the Elves were especially interested in Gods of Egypt and The Hunger Games, and the Jedi from Star Wars. When you ran out of that material (It was a long trip with long nights, because apparently Elves didn't really get the concept of sleep.), you even switched to games; Darksiders and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim got their attention, as did The Legend of Zelda.

But of all the damned stories you told them, they seemed most interested in Shakespeare, of all things. You only barely remembered reading Midsummer Night's Dream out of curiosity, but Romeo and Juliet, thankfully, everybody knew the gist of. Thanks to a certain Tom Hiddleston, you knew Coriolanus by heart, so that one wasn't too hard of a story to tell, and neither was (Onc you finally got them off of Shakespeare.) Pirates of the Caribbean, a classic for you, which, one of the characters, now that you thought of it... Will Turner... You couldn't quite remember his face, or Balian's from Kingdom of Heaven, which they all really liked, especially Legolas.

Eventually, the queen dubbed you Taleweaver, which you thought sounded pretty cool, but also a little nerve-wracking, because what if you ran out of stories to tell? You forced yourself to be casual. No worries. You were a writer, after all, just... Now your audience consisted of fantasy people instead of Tumblr bloggers.

No pressure.

One day, Legolas approached you alone as you groomed Starlight. "Yo," You said, s'upping him. "S'up?"

Blue-Eyes looked like you'd just thrown something at him. "Man?" You rolled your eyes. "Galu, mellon, galu. What is it?"

Legolas scoffed. "My mother has declared only a small party of us, including the dwarves, shall scout ahead and see if we can find their trail. Of the party is myself, Elros, Erestor, Haldir, and... you."

You pointed to yourself. "M...Me? The queen specifically requested me to go with you?" You narrowed your eyes suspiciously. "Whhhhhhyyyyyyy???"

Blue-Eyes glared at you as he stroked Starlight's muzzle. "It is nothing out of the ordinary. You wish to prove yourself to my father, do you not? I would like for you to stay in the Mirkwood as well, Sairen, so do not disappoint me."

"Well," You looked up at Starlight's face. "No pressure, right?"

Legolas smiled cheekily. "Not at all." He patted your back. "We begin at dawn tomorrow. Meet me by Starlight once you've woken, and we shall begin." He walked away, but half-turned to call out, "Do not be late!"

You nodded in exasperation, but as soon as he was gone, sighed and placed your face on Starlight's neck. "Mission," You hissed under your breath, just really wishing Lord Fabulous didn't have to be such a jackass. "Impossible."

Tag List:

@hauntedsiriel @tesserphantom @liviaolivia @dumbladores @littlefrenchfryesblog @hibernatingmadhatter @reclusive-chicken-nugget @naryamirie @legolasdeserveslove @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @sagabriar @brushwood-souls @taurlel

If anyone else wants to be tagged, just let me know! And let me know if I missed anyone, too... O-O

Le leich= You’re sweet

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #3

Time for some good chafing gags!

I love Cerebus. Once I began buying the monthly issues, I stuck with it until Issue #300, no matter how bored I had become with Cerebus's explication of Genesis. I stuck with it because it had entertained me so much and because I loved the idea of a comic book series with a character who grows and changes and eventually dies as an old, decrepit, huge delusional mess. Or was he delusional? Yeah, I think he was. By the end, I think we're supposed to realize Rick was the protagonist? Whoops! I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm still in the issues where I don't have to think too hard about anything and can just sit back and laugh at jokes about chain mail bikinis and a woman who will only fuck somebody who overpowers her physically! What I meant to say before I interrupted myself like usual, I kept with the series because I loved so much of it. Not all of it, of course. Who could love all of it?! Dave Sim was writing things that kept himself interested and wasn't too worried about, say, keeping the audience that loved Church & State while writing Melmoth, or expecting people who loved Guys to be enthusiastic about Coming Home. I appreciated this comic book so much that it's the only reason that I kept purchasing monthly comic books as I entered my thirties. I had gotten to the point where my brain was having too much trouble remembering all the different comic book story lines with a full month long gaps between each twenty-four page bit of story. So at some point just past the year 2000, I decided I'd stop reading monthly comics altogether after March 2004, the final issue of Cerebus. After that, I kept up with Fables and Walking Dead via collected editions. But I was done reading monthlies (until The New 52 somehow dragged me back in to do that blog project!). So yeah. I was (and still am!) a huge Cerebus fan. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be critical of the series and the writer. Dave Sim makes a lot of mistakes and I'm going to have a lot of fun pointing them out! You might not think they're mistakes but I ask that you hold your comments until the end (you know, my review of Issue #300!) because why would I want to argue on the Internet with other huge comic book nerds? We're the worst! One person I'll never criticize because I don't think they ever do anything wrong: Gerhard! That fucking work horse nails it throughout the entire series! Nothing much to say about Deni's "A Note from the Publisher" since all she says is how she has nothing to say. I was hoping she'd admit to rubbing one out over one of Dave's finished Red Sophia pages but my horrible male nerd projections about how women act once more didn't come to fruition. How is it everything I learned about women from female comic book characters turned out to be so wrong?! I refuse to believe it's because most of them were written by men. Men are so rational and logical! They wouldn't have steered me wrong!

I should probably do a little research on Frank Thorne.

Frank Thorne was best known for his work on Marvel's Red Sonja. Yes, I lifted that directly from Wikipedia. But I typed it myself! Another thing I learned from Wikipedia (I'd do more research than just Wikipedia but I don't want to wind up on YouTube where I'll not only learn about Frank Thorne's artistic history but also that the American Democratic party runs a pedophile sex traffic ring and also something about cannibals? I mean, it sounds like something I'd like to believe!) is that Thorne wrote a book called How to Draw Sexy Women. So, you know, he's probably one of my heroes? Frank Thorne is currently 90 years old and he might have the most adorable picture of anybody on Wikipedia.

I want to be best friends with him right now. Six year old me would have been over the moon in love with him (I had a Grandfather Fixation when I was really young that probably had nothing to do with my father leaving when I was two).

This issue not only introduces Red Sophia but also the wizard Henrot. That's an anagram of "Thorne"! Red Sophia is an anagram for "Hi! Do Rapes." I don't agree with that at all. I'm just the anagram messenger. I'm also not suggesting that Dave Sim knew what he was doing anagrammatically! I mean with the Red Sophia anagram. He definitely meant the Henrot/Thorne one! Cerebus has returned to civilization but now needs some quick cash because one thing Cerebus always needs is quick cash. He's only wealthy a few times and those times don't usually last long. He goes to see Henrot (who allegedly gets his power from two of the five Spheres of the Gods! So now we kind of know more about those things even if it is just a rumor) to question him about any paying mercenary gigs.

You might think the missing word in Henrot's dialogue was a mistake by Dave Sim but later we'll probably learn in, I don't know, Issue #143 that Henrot's first language is Borelean to account for this seeming error.

Cerebus doesn't usually take assassination or torture jobs because he finds them distasteful but he needs the money. Sure, he'll take any job that has him killing people in battle or invading private wizard's towers to murder the owner and steal the owner's stuff. But assassination and torture? So wrong! Once Cerebus takes the job, he learns that he was to take Henrot's daughter, Red Sophia, along with him. The target besmirched her honor so she needs to watch him die slowly and painfully. Is this where the MeToo hashtag goes?

Red Sophia drawing tutorial: Draw some big tits, some big lips, and a big mass of hair. Connect them with some kind of woman shaped lines. Ta-da!

Red Sophia chatters incessantly and dances around while Cerebus carries all of the gear. It's funny because female characters get to represent all women instead of being a unique character! Ha ha! Women really do talk a lot, right? And they're always all, "Carry my purse for me!" And guys are all like, "Stifle your emotions like a normal person! Carry your own purse! Stop dancing around whimsically and try to act tough and cool like regular people do! Play some sports already! Take care of me like you were my replacement mother!" In the "A Note from the Publisher," Deni wrote that since the first issue (remember the first issue? So many issues ago!), Dave had wanted to write a story where Cerebus interacts with a female. She doesn't say Dave wanted to write a female character. He just wanted Cerebus to interact with a female. So I guess that's what this is! Cerebus interacts with a female stereotype who is also a sex fantasy. Not because she's hot but because she constantly tries to fuck Cerebus throughout their adventure! What sword and sorcery reading nerd didn't dream of that three or four times a day in a dark room? I'm being harsh on Sim because it's more fun than lavishing praise on him. You can tell Sim realizes the inherent problems with Red Sonja because that's the bulk of his parody. The problem isn't Dave's take on the character; the real problem is simply the character Red Sonja! In 1978, Sim was already commenting on the ridiculous armor artists draw on women (there will be chafing jokes!)! And in this story, Dave Sim expresses how ridiculous it was to create a female character who was raped and then given great fighting skills by some Goddess with the catch that she can never fuck a man unless he beats her in fair combat. Just looking at it from a guy's point of view, I'd probably be all, "You know what? I don't want those powers. Could you maybe just strike down the asshole who raped me and let me not have to attempt to beat up every woman I'm attracted to?" Is that enough hot takes on Red Sophia? Cause I want to get to the part of this review where I can admit that I fucking love her so much. Later Cerebus meets Elrod who is really just Foghorn Leghorn. I'm pretty sure Red Sophia was less Red Sonja than Pepé Le Pew. I know, I know! There are probably some sensitive reasons why I'm not supposed to like Pepé too! But he was my mother's favorite Looney Tunes character! Anyway, I can't blame Dave Sim for making his first female character about 75% stereotypes of women. He's still a young writer! You've got to give him about another 183 issues to really clarify his stance on the interactions between genders! I'm sure it'll be more layered, nuanced, and rational.

Cerebus might be an Earth Pig but he's not a chauvinist pig. He doesn't take sexual advantage of Red Sophia here; he just makes her carry all the gear. It's a good joke that I'm ruining by explaining it instead of scanning in the punchline!

Just for comparison, let's take a look at a modern interpretation of Red Sonja by Ed Benes. I bet just that artist's name alone gives male comic book nerds a chubby. Not a full on hard on though. Those are probably reserved for hearing the name "Frank Cho."

What do they teach in art school? Women can turn 180 degrees at the waist? Not that I'm complaining! Dark room, here I come!

Oh shit. I forgot I was reading this comic book! Okay, um, so Red Sophia attacks Cerebus for besmirching her honor. Or Cerebus attacks Red Sophia for knocking him into a bush with her ass. Maybe it's a little bit of both. Anyway, Cerebus defeats her so Red Sophia begins throwing her ample bosom at Cerebus every chance she gets. Cerebus is not interested for some reason. Maybe it's because he stuck a sword in his vagina when he was younger? That happened, right? Or was that a flashback about him having his period? Now that I'm thinking about it...what the fuck is this comic book? I think maybe I hallucinated some of it! Cerebus isn't a fucking slut, man! He doesn't just fuck any hot woman whom he defeats in battle! He needs to fall in love and/or get completely wrecked on Peach Schnapps. So he has no interest in Red Sophia. I suppose a woman trying to kill you is a bit of a turn off. And then later, when she gets you into a fight with Thugg the Unseemly, it's less of an aphrodisiac than you might think.

I think Borelean might be Red Sophia's first language as well. I mean, she is Henrot's daughter.

The Letterer part of Dave Sim has already fucked up twice this issue. I bet he was too busy having his sword and sorcery fantasies in a dark room to pay close attention to the script. This is probably why Dave Sim eventually gave up masturbation. Later, Red Sophia feeds Cerebus granola and it totally cracks Dave Sim up. He said so in the Swords of Cerebus essay! Didn't you read it? I, for one, prefer the joke on the following page about Cerebus being a cannibal. Or an aardvark who eats human meat, anyway. I think that's close enough to cannibalism. We learn later that aardvarks can have offspring with humans so I feel like the aardvarks in this book are less sentient funny talking animals and more severely deformed human beings.

Red Sophia's tent. If this we were well into Mothers & Daughters when this tent made an appearance, I'd think Dave purposefully drew it this way. Since we're only on Issue #3, I think he was just feeling horny when he drew it.

If at any time during this review I've referred to Red Sophia as Red Sonja, just remember that English is my second language. I'm Borelean. I apologize to Dave Sim for earlier suggesting that Red Sophia was simply a bunch of female stereotypes mashed together into a character. As I said, I love her. I figured I probably started loving her after she makes several more appearances but I'm pretty sure this is the page where I knew needed more Red Sophia in my life.

How can you not be completely charmed by the "I'm pretty good at hand-holding" line?

This is a good reminder that I shouldn't be judging early Dave Sim by Issue #186 Dave Sim and beyond. He should always get the benefit of the doubt and, even after #186, he should retain it. I need to be reading the material both with fresh eyes as if reading it for the first time and with the knowledge of the whole in an attempt to understand it better. This scene is just so fucking charming that I hate that it might be ruined for many people based on their "knowledge" of Dave Sim. I put knowledge in quotes because, really, how many people who think of Dave as a misogynist have actually read Cerebus or Tangent? How many have just heard they're supposed to despise him because he's been called a misogynist? I mean, sure, you just have to read a bunch of his Biblical explications to understand you're dealing with something other than neurotypical! But it'd be nice if more people came to their Dave Sim conclusions themselves instead of just jumping on the bandwagon. I'm not saying people who think he's a misogynist aren't automatically wrong! Dave thinks they are but come on. He eventually gives out a lot of slack with which to make quite a few nooses to hang himself with. Um, okay, back to not judging Cerebus based on future Dave's rants about the Marxist/feminist/homosexual axis! Cerebus and Sophia finally reach the target where Cerebus discovers that the target, Tanes Feras, loves Sophia. And just like that, he figures out how to get rid of Sophia while also torturing Feras (possibly to death? Time will tell!). He commands Sophia to marry Feras because she must do whatever he asks. Sure, she thought it would involved his super long tongue and her metal-chafed butthole. But that's the great thing about love! It doesn't care what you want. Henrot seems to accept this conclusion for now. He'll definitely be back later. And so will Red Sophia. I can't wait!

The map of Cerebus's world by Deni's brother, Clovis. He ran out of ideas when he got to "Ocean Sea."

I'll have to remember to keep referring back to this map throughout the series. Although I'll probably only need it for the first twenty-five issues. And then maybe after Mothers & Daughters. Nothing noteworthy in Aardvark Comment this month. Just some Canadians saying things like, "Glad to see a Canadian comic book from Canada about Canada!" Which is confusing because I didn't realize how much of Cerebus was representative of Canada. I've really got to rethink my Canadian stereotypes. Now I'll be sure to picture Canadians as 50% Cerebus and 50% Joey Jeremiah. Cerebus #3 Rating: B+. Sim's art remains a bit more on the amateurish side than the professional side. But that's to be expected. Already you can see improvements in the consistency of Cerebus's look and I think maybe his snout is already getting shorter and girthier. This was the first issue where he drew a woman so I can't fault him for drawing a blow-up doll in a chain mail bikini. Why would I? I'd never fault anybody for drawing a blow-up doll in a chain mail bikini! I also just thought up a new category to search on eBay. This issue begins to show where Sim really excels: his characters. The first two issues basically highlight Cerebus dealing with a few generic characters. But Red Sophia (and Henrot to a lesser extent) captures the spotlight this issue. Ignoring some of the shallow aspects of her character creation (if you even believe those exists. Don't take my super-professional critical opinion on it!), she's really rather charming and a competent foil for the Earth Pig. Just knowing that she's the tip of the iceberg in the gallery of recurring characters excites me more than those fantasies I keep having in my dark room.

[pinestripes]

Favorite Moments from TAZ: Balance, in No Particular Order

(I’ve been wallowing in my grief over finishing Balance for a bit now, and I thought I could make a tribute by listing some of my favorite moments from the campaign! It should be noted that there will be SPOILERS AHEAD and that some quotes might be paraphrased slightly. Also, I haven’t listened to the liveshows yet.)

The guys’ delighted laughter as Griffin reveals that Barry’s back.

Actually, every time they have big reactions to his reveals. The sheer dumb confusion and then the whooping and clapping when the first loop in the Eleventh Hour happens. Justin’s quietly horrified reaction to finding out Lup made the Umbra Staff. Clint’s confused laughter and incredulous “Anyone?” when Griffin asks who he summons from the bond engine. 

“I, and a team of other people, created this world.” “Gary Gygax?”

The guys tormenting Jenkins in Murder on the Rockport Limited, after which we find out the guy is a literal murderer (and not, in fact, a “sh*tty wizard”).

The entire exchange at the bottom of the well in the Gerblins arc. “Can anybody levitate?” “I think we just live at the bottom of this well now.”

“No dogs on the moon. They just run right off the damn thing.” "Should you say it, or should I? ...No dogs on the moon!”

“[Stephen] swims around in his tiny bowl. And he loves me.” 

The sheer comedic gold that is the scene where Taako convinces Garfield to give him the sword--the perfect buildup, Griffin’s soul leaving his body as he realizes what’s happening, the other guys losing their minds as they too realize it.

Arms Outstretched, of course. And the sort of reprise of it in the finale. 

Speaking of the finale--I’m a massive sucker for “Hey, the gang’s all here!”-type finales, where everyone we’ve ever met in a series shows up in the end and pays a role. And the TAZ finale does this SO WELL, with the music, and how it always makes sense in what’s happening in the scene. It’s so satisfying. 

“You know we’re going to have to talk about your sister being a lich, right?”

Lup’s introduction. 

Lup’s return, from the long pause, to Justin snapping the staff, to Clint’s “Attaboy!” to “YOU’RE DATING THE GRIM REAPER?”

When the guys all simultaneously respond to the question “What’s the best type of advertising?” with “Word of mouth” in Wonderland after episode after episode of them asking people to and thanking people for telling others about the podcast. 

Killian reacting to Magnus cutting off Merle’s arm.

Magnus eating the Philosopher’s Stone, and Griffin subsequently being adamant that Travis deal with the consequences of his actions.  

The guys starting their second loop in Refuge and immediately messing up so badly that Justin almost has Taako shoot them all and end the loop right there. 

Magnus’s. Pep. Talk.

Lucretia in the Candlenights episode. “Hot diggity sh*t, this is a baller cookie.” “Magnus, this is the nightmare scenario.” “Booyah.”

Taako suddenly deciding stealing is wrong in the Goldcliff Trust. “This isn’t a dungeon; people do business here!”

Merle’s bit about the traveling forward/backward in time 9 seconds in the finale had me laughing so hard I was wheezing and crying. My roommate had to check on me and make sure I was okay.

I love Davenport and his sheer delight at piloting the Starblaster again. “Dance for me, buddy.”

The guys coming up with silly and perfect reporter names and newspaper titles to ask questions at the beginning of The Stolen Century. 

The big, triumphant way Griffin goes “Let’s roll initiative!” in the finale, followed immediately by Mort Garson’s incredible music. 

Everything Angus does ever. 

The scene with Taako teaching Angus magic. “Can--can I get tickets?” “Why don’t you conjure them yourself, Mr. Wizard?”

When, in Reunion Tour, Angus says something about his books and Travis says he loves Angus and Justin says “Precious” in his Taako voice which means IT WAS IN CHARACTER AND CANONICAL. 

Lup freaking apologizing for destroying the macaroons Angus made. 

The Tom Bodett thing is just. So dumb. But so funny. I love it. 

Taako calling Barry “Barrold.” 

Fisher loving the carved wooden ducks is SO CUTE. 

“Griffin, can we please deal with the Fullmetal Alchemist situation I currently find myself in?”

“Who?” goiehioewgasd;

The Junebug scene, with the music, gives me chills. 

“Those are the arms that have held my wife!” 

Merle choosing Lucretia to go with him to the spa in that lunar interlude because it’s so good for character stuff but also is unintentionally heartbreaking when you think about it much later??

Cassidy becoming mayor of Refuge. 

Magnus deciding to break into the BOB’s prison. I’ve never been a DM, but I could feel Griffin’s sheer frustration and exasperation in my very soul.

Okay, no, I actually need to talk about Arms Outstretched. I usually don’t feel much dread or fear when watching/reading/listening to things because I’m like “it’s fictional, no one’s in any actual danger, there’s more books/episodes after this, it’s going to be fine” but this scene made me feel absolutely horrified dread the instant the Animus Bell rang anyway. 

“Taako’s rushing in!” “Magnus follows him?” “Merle’s good out here.” “What’s going on?!”

“Hello, my name is Elder Merle!” THUNK

Magic Brian’s death. “I cast magic missile on him again.”

“Between the fan and the fancy umbrella, I’m one seventeen-inch waist away from being Scarlett O’Hara.”

The tantrum Taako throws when asked to get on the Elevator of Tomorrow in Crystal Kingdom, and of course his subsequent GLEE when Magnus and Merle get attacked after using it. “Taako--that’’s me, hi--I’m done with elevators. Never again! ...Don’t do it, I swear to god. You will not like how this ends. I will burn a spell slot on you. I give no sh*ts.”

Lucas, sadly: “My lab!”

The endless tormenting of Leon. “Yeah, he is no longer functioning. You have thoroughly broken this man.” “I win!”

Justin finding out about Lup’s existence and immediately having Taako call her Lulu. 

“That’s real low [max HP]!” “Is it? Is it, Griffin?”

“See, there’s magic in a bard’s song. They call it inspiration, and it tells the listener what they need to hear right when they need to hear it. And right now, you hear it too. The message in the music heard round the world. You hear Johann’s voice, telling you, ‘You’re going to have to fight. And...you’re gonna win!’”

“Hear that babe? We’re legends.”

“This should go without saying at this point--Taako is DELIGHTED.”

“My name is Magnus Burnsides.” “Marchis Burchsins.” “Yep, nailed it. Got it in one.” 

When Merle has the choice to sacrifice his memories of his kids’ births in Wonderland and immediately decides to take the penalty.

The bit in the second Story and Song where the guys keep putting off getting in the Starblaster and keep having little moments with all the other characters, and Griffin gets so annoyed that he tries to get them to move along using the NPCs. “No, totally. Let’s save the world, then 420 blaze it. Can we gooooo?”

Lucas, also sadly: “I got a splinter.”

“Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and with each moment we spend with those people. But, too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others. And by the time we realize just how important it is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with.”

“Did you enjoy the adventure?” “Of course!”

“Oh, yes, small prophecy is easy. I burp and a small prophecy happen.”

“Let me tell you a story about the time we fought three ogres, and I got punched so hard I almost died. You remember? You were up in some kind of weird laser firing potions willy-nilly, Magnus was pulling the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I’m not about to throw down with a giant crab while you’re armed with just a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn’t even have his shield! I’m out!” 

“It all started when I met the most beautiful elf, and the bravest cleric...”

“Not all exits are made equal. Some are beautiful, and poetic, and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy.”

“I’ll be having my body back, you undead f***.”

“We’ve chosen the perfect person for this. It’s like sending a mildly eloquent piñata in!”

“Let ‘em know, kid.” 

“The late Merle Highchurch rolled a five.”

“You’re going to be amazing.”

...And every single moment that demonstrates what phenomenal entertainers and storytellers the McElroys are. Thank you, guys, for an experience unlike any other. 

[screamingintp]

more about my mc

this is a mess, please don’t read it unless you’re interested in what i come up with when i’m sleep deprived and creating my first rp character

https://character-resource.deviantart.com/art/Big-Ass-Character-Sheet-Updating-167182524 but i cut out a buncha shit

welcome to hell(or the place in which I can’t capitalize for shit and curse too much and am vague but that’s honestly my personality in general)

Full Name: Mark Knox

Meaning: Mark, derived from Martkos(Roman), related to the war god, Mars. Knox, derived from cnoc(Scottish), meaning hillock.

Origin: made it up on the spot because planning is for cowards

Signature: illegible letters - MKX

Gender: male

Orientation: pan(i wrote pam and don’t regret it)-aro

Blood: three-quarters pure, half blood father

Birthday: 6-6

Deathday: (May not have one yet)(oh gee, did you not expect me to have a day of death?)(well, i don’t)

Astrological Sign: Gemini(fun fact: Draco’s the only Gemini on the wiki)(why is this relevant)(astrology is weird as all hell)

____

Immediate Family: Jacob Knox(brother)

Distant Family: Shay Knox(mother), Clark Knox(father)

Parenting: non-existent

Upbringing(morals and ideals): considering he was raised by a person only a few years older than him, during the period of Voldemort’s rule, he is less screwed up than he could’ve been. However, he still possesses a rather vague and undefined sense of right and wrong - using his logic to bypass any sort of regrets if it blocks him from his goal

Infancy: (dropped at birth is an option and i’m living for it)

Childhood: that one kid who lit ants on fire and was ‘rebellious’ (you know that post about america being the asshole kid with neglectful parents? That’s the one)

Adolescence: canon

Adulthood: never. He hasn’t even gotten taller

____

Species: hooman

Preferred Hand: ambidextrous(he keeps injuring his hands)

Facial Type: like a face, why is this - oval, i guess

Eye Color: dark brown

Hair Color (Self Explanatory)(it isn’t when his hair is grey/silver/white)(the kid probably bleached his already pale hair)(he probably likes the smell of bleach)

Hairstyle: fringe-up

Complexion: blushes easily, relatively smooth unless you look at the cuts and bruises and scars on his arms, back and legs

Body Type: ectomorph

Build: skinny arms and legs, he isn’t the most physically fit and regularly damages his body due to his complete lack of care for his own safety

Height: 65 in

Weight: 120 lb

Shoe Size: (Shoe size doesn’t matter)(goddamnit i forgot this was an innuendo)(keep it pg, please)

Birthmarks/scars: no birthmarks, and has tons of ugly marks all over him, none of them particularly remarkable

Distinguishing Features: the contrast between his eye color and hair color - but other than the hair, he doesn’t have a memorable face

_____

Health: as healthy as a wizard without impulse control and emotional support could be

Energy: swings from highs and lows without any pattern

Memory: remembers the small stuff, the negative parts - forgets about major ideas or lessons

Senses: heavily relies on eyes, can’t taste for shit

Allergies: (Self Explanatory. May be optional.)(i mean, i would put animals, but we have transfiguration)

Medication: needs some, doesn’t take any

Phobias(irrational fears):

Symmetrophobia(fear of symmetry, an unnatural-looking but normal occurrence, which isn’t debilitating, but causes him stress and uneasiness)

Siderophobia(fear of the stars, the idea that there’s so much out there that he doesn’t know of is pretty awful and, again, while it isn’t going to freeze him up, it will cause him to become upset)

Addictions: none yet

Mental Disorders: undiagnosed

______

Style: couldn’t care less about appearance  - he wears the school robes most of the time

Mode of Dress: doesn’t have a particular taste, as long as it’s passable, it’s fine - tends to wear a size or two larger

Grooming: somewhere in between messy and neat

Posture: he displays an air of aloofness and confidence - almost condescending in stance

Gait: quickly and efficiently - it’s brisk at his slowest

Coordination: not physically fit at all, he’s too reckless for that - exercises to the point of exhaustion without realizing that it’s detrimental to do so and has limbs flying all over the place

Habits and Mannerisms: taps his foot or fingers when excited, nervous, or anything that deviates from his usual ‘cool’ facade

Scent: earth, smoke, and grass - faint but noticeable

______

Mood: ‘calm’ - probably plotting though

Attitude: he’s charismatic and charming until you dig deeper

Stability: hA

Expressiveness: can act like he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve but can never fully give his true thoughts

When Happy: smirks - invades personal space and slows down

When Depressed: smiles - talks louder and speaks faster

When Angry: (trolls online is an option and if that isn’t Mark, i don’t know what is) smirks - wide eyes and tense hands

______

Friends: Rubeus Hagrid - but not really

Enemies: Rita Skeeter - but not really

Bosses: Filius Flitwick - but not really

Followers: not even himself

Heroes: Filius Flitwick - “short people are closer to hell and he’s gonna whoop my ass if I do anything stupid”

Rivals: Ismelda - “for most edgy teen”

Relates to: Dumbledore - impersonal but seemingly close, full of contradictions and ulterior motives

Pets/Familiars: does his jar of bug bodies count?

______

Wardrobe: mostly consisting of Hogwarts robes, formal robes, and the identical grey-blue sweater and jeans

Equipment: carries a wand and a pencil(but not paper, because he has problems)

Accessories: a single dangling silver piercing on his right ear(family tradition)

Trinkets: carries hair ties on his wrist all the time(why? He doesn’t even know)

Funds: his family is relatively well off, being a respected branch of purebloods

Home: almost like his personality, warm and nice on the outside, cozy on the inside, but dead silent and empty when no one looks - not large but not small either, seeming normal by all accounts if you don’t look into any of the rooms(jacob’s windows are taped shut and Mark broke through the locked door that connected their bedrooms)

Neighborhood: the woods

Transportation: running because stamina apparently is infinite in this world

Collections: bug bodies, herbs, and lighters

Prized Possession: his wand, after seeing Jacob’s broken one

_____

Lovers: yeet

Marital Status: yeet

____

Experience: works in the three broomsticks in his off time to get experience and money, nothing serious

Organizations/Affiliations: changeable, he doesn’t plant many roots or make any long-term promises

______

Education: i mean, Hogwarts. But is it even ‘education’?

School: (What was their school like?) bitch this is Hogwarts

Social Stereotype: “least favorite cursed student”

Intelligence: mostly interpersonal, linguistic and logical

Extracurricular Activities: would do theater if given the chance

_____

Morals: don’t exist - but he honestly has a problem with reasoning his way into committing seriously wrong deeds

Crime Record: hasn’t been caught yet ;)

Motivation: adrenaline, change - nothing truly meaningful or satisfying

Priorities: knowledge, humans, self

Philosophy: gen z nihilism

Etiquette: usually practices ‘correct’ etiquette - does not give a fuck if his behaviour offends someone though

Influences: everything and anything he finds intriguing

Traditions: tries to run away from them, always moving and staying ahead of the past

______

Career: spell-inventor or wand-maker/seller

Desires: uncertain

Accomplishments: undetermined

Biggest Failure: failing Jacob

Secrets: his manipulative side, his genuinely mean streak and the fact that he regrets having those traits

Regrets: a shit ton of things

Worries: Jacob, being nothing in the grand scheme of things, being a hypocrite, betrayal, a shit ton of things

Best Dream: having a greater purpose

Worst Nightmare: dying alone and being left behind as a ghost

Best Memories: finding his brother’s secret room, meeting Billingsley

Worst Memories: losing his brother, lying to his teachers, accidentally calling Chester: Jacob

_______

Hobbies/Interests: explore the wilderness, identify flora and fauna, observing other people

Skills/Talents: pyromancy, charms in general, debating, acting, singing

Likes: mint, sharpies, fire

Dislikes: himself, close-minded people, pity

Sense of Humor: sarcastic, self-deprecating, relatively dark

Pet Peeves: the guy scratching his quill the wrong way in the front row whenever they write essays

Dreams/Nightmares: doesn’t dream usually - when he does, it’s usually flashes of color and abstract black and white shapes

Quirks: can’t sit on the fucking couch correctly

Understands: how people think, the reason they fail, mistakes

Can't understand: quidditch, values, structure

Closet Hobby: burning shit(though that isn’t really a hidden thing with him)

_________

Strengths: charismatic, diplomatic, quick-witted, inwardly caring, able to understand his flaws, patient, logical, able to read other people

Flaws: lies often, manipulative, lazy, lenient, passive, harsh, inconsiderate, enjoys pushing people’s buttons, doesn’t understand people

Perception of others: beautiful, incomprehensible, vast

Instincts: wants approval(deems it irrational)

Lures: leadership roles, secrets, problems

Soft Spot: innocence but not ignorant, optimism

________

Ability: capable if he puts his mind to it - employs unpredictable and risky techniques instead of having a fear of consequences

Weaknesses: stubborn opponents - he expects change and gets caught off guard when someone seems set in their ways

Patronus: non-corporeal

Boggart: fire(irony i guess is easy to use when you don’t have anything else)

Wand: spruce, phoenix feather, 12”, springy

Amortentia: lime, smoke, sharpies

House: Ravenclaw(that post about the kid wanting to be put in Ravenclaw since ppl will trust you but got in Slytherin)

_____

Favorite Color(s): grey, blue

Favorite Animal(s): swedish short snout

Favorite Drink(s): coffee and soda(probably together because he can’t function like a normal person)

Favorite Genre: mystery or myths

Favorite Subject(s): charms(Flitwick is the man) and divination(where you can bs your way through anything)

Least Favorite Color(s): black, white

Least Favorite Animal(s): flies

Least Favorite Drink(s): does soup count? Because he does drink it in a cup

Least Favorite Genre: manuals and biographies

Least Favorite Subject(s): flying(impulsive idiot) and care of magical creatures(he’s a screw up around animals)

________

Languages: english and he taught himself some Latin

Voice: average in tone, a bit nasally, rather forgettable except for the speed

Greetings and Farewells: doesn’t

Ask your character "how are you": yes.

Character tries to compliment: you have eyes, your name is ___

Tries to insult: passive-aggressively drags a person

Expletive: damn(dam)(loopholes, my friends)

Laughter: snorting, definitely not normal

Tagline: ___, yeah?

________

Reputation: other than the whole ‘brother’ problem, is relatively well-liked

First Impressions: charming, confident guy

Stranger Impressions: a bit loud but not strange

Friendly Impressions: goddamnit Mark, shut up

Enemy Impressions: please keep talking so we’re allowed to punch you in the face

Familiar Impressions: ah yes, the hair pops up from time to time

Compliments from others: bright, energetic, optimistic, honest

Insults: dangerous, unstable, chaotic

Self-Impression: am shit

_________

Compare to: forest fire(destructive and necessary for change)

Symbols: flames, ashes, duality

[queenrhenpendragon]

Complete Silliness

Starring Alicia Pendragon: A sort-of Harry Potter crossover fanfiction where the AP characters are Harry Potter characters except they aren’t. Full nonsense and... yep pretty much nonsense. Enjoy

Once upon a time in a fictional land, there lived a handsome Dark Lord named Tom Marvolo Riddle. He hated all things in life - people, food, rain, sun, even cotton candy - and yet he was obsessed with living.

Alicia Pendragon couldn't understand it at all. Of course, it wasn't her area of expertise. That was Talia and Devin's job. They were the awesome peasant-wizard/knight(s) on a quest to defeat him. And Frederick was the one with a lighting scar on his forehead, to prove he'd survived Tom Marvolo Riddle's cleaning curse. And Jack was the freaky nemesis of Frederick who thought all muggles belonged in Azkaban, but for some reason stayed with Talia and Devin and Frederick. Maybe because he was sort of a muggle. But she'd learned not to remind him of that.

As a matter of fact, if she'd had it her way, all of this would be Alicia's area of expertise. But her father would rather she go to a bancy fall and marry a prandsome hince, or something of that sort. Like the union by marriage of two kingdoms would help the world at all! . . . Well, maybe a little, but it would be much more useful to defeat the Dark Lord. And more exciting.

That was why she had devised a cunning plan. She would make the Devin-knight like her! And then he would invite her on the quest with him, and of course an honorable princess couldn't refuse a favor from a knight. That was what she would tell her father, anyway...

"'JUST A GIRL?' WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"Boys are better fighters!" The blue-haired knight said.

"WHAT? Oh, I'll show you, YOU STUPID KNI-"

"GUYS!" Talia yelled louder than Alicia would have thought possible. "We're supposed to be defeating Tom, here!" There was momentary silence, interrupted only by Frederick's groans.

"My head!"

The Dark Lord looked equally pained. "Your head? What about my entire body! And my wedding! Ugh, just take the stupid princess! I can't stand to be in your pathetic presence!" And he apparated away.

Then back again. "AND DON'T CALL ME TOM! I AM-erm... uh..."

"Stupid?" Alicia supplied, very annoyed with all the going-ons. She hated being kidnapped, and her plans to woo Devin were tossed to the wind, because no way was she ever speaking to the jerk again.

"Yeah, Stupid!" And then he realized what he was agreeing to. "I mean no, you insolent noble! I am... AHRIMAN!" He apparated away again.

"... Ahriman? Is that suppose to be scary?" Jack started laughing. "Sounds- like 'Mary- Ann!'-- Fool!"

Frederick groaned again and clutched his head. Alicia rolled her eyes. "Well, you rescued me! Congratulations, peasants! As payment for your services, I will now join you on your quest!"

"WHAT?" Devin protested.

"You heard her, Devin!" Talia gushed. "Ooh, finally there's another girl! I'm not the only brains around here anymore!"

This what met by general annoyance, except from Alicia, who smirked at the success of her plan.

"Ooh, finally! A rich muggle to steal from!" Jack grinned.

That put a damper in her mood.

This was it. The end of the war had finally come. That, or the end of the world. Whichever came first.

"Aww, not you again!" Ahriman drawled in a whining voice. "Can't you let me take over the world, achieve immortality, and kill muggles in peace?"

"Your time on this earth is over, Tom!" Talia proclaimed fiercely.

There was a momentary silence, over which only the sound of Frederick's groans could be heard. Talia nudged the dozing knight standing next to her. "Hmm? What? I 'gree with Talia!" He drifted off again. Alicia rolled her eyes.

"Die, Ahriman!"

"Ooh, you remembered my name!" The Demon Dark Lord gushed. "I should reward you! DEATH EATERS!"

Hooded figures immediately appeared beside him. "Yes, my lord?"

"Bring this girl my supply of lemon drops! You know, those ones that Dumbledore forced on us. Remember him? That scary old druid of time?"

"Yes, lord."

They disapparated.

"What? I don't want your lemon drops!" Alicia protested, disgusted.

Lord Ahriman made an insulted noise. "Fine, you ungrateful swine! Don't take them!" The death eaters apparated back in and handed Alicia the lemon drops.

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?" Ahriman screamed. "NO LEMON DROPS FOR THE UNGRATEFUL SWINE!"

The cloaked wizards dropped the candy like a hot potato and cowered. "Sorry, Lor-"

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?" The deatheaters shrank back, shaking.

Devin rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just defy him?"

Ahriman gasped. "HOW DARE YOU-"

"COTTON CANDY!" Sang a voice that sounded suspiciously like Jack's.

Maybe because it was Jack's. He twirled into the room, glowing, holding bags of fluffy pink perfection. Frederick momentarily forgot to groan.

Talia sighed. "Jack, really we don't have ti-"

"GET THAT HORRID CONFECTION OUT OF MY SIGHT!" bellowed the Dark Lord, jumping into the arms of the nearest deatheater and cowering even as he shot a black glare in the candy's direction.

Jack's good mood melted like a popsicle abandoned in the desert on the hottest day of July. "But..." his lip trembled and tears started streaming from his eyes. "But I worked so hard to bring it here all just for you and I almost lost it once and three times I nearly diiiiiiied!" He was sobbing before he even finished the sentence. "Please take it!" He bawled, shoving the candy at Ahriman.

The demon hissed and recoiled. "No! NO! NOO! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID MUGGLE! NO! AGH!" He leaped from the deatheater's arms and pulled out his staff. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

Frederick dived in front of Jack, but too late. The curse had already connected.

The body hit the ground with a resounding thud. Everyone stared, deatheater, wizards, and muggles alike.

"YEAH!" Devin cheered, sweeping Talia into his arms and dancing. "FINALLY!"

"MY HEAD IS AT PEACE AT LAST!" Frederick rejoiced.

"HAHA! YOU ALL SO TOTALLY OWE ME!" Jack whooped, tossing the cotton candy into the air in jubilation.

Now you are thinking I made some typo, because Jack died, didn't he?

No, he most certainly did not. Ahriman had killed himself, rather than be in the presence of the hated cotton candy for another second.

Alicia could have kissed Jack, except that he'd so totally stolen her thunder.

Stupid thief.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she huffed, "let's get out of here already."

"What? No celebration for my remarkable achievement?" Jack whined.

"No celebration for my skull's relief?" Frederick added.

Devin looked distraught and squeaked, "No... cake?"

"We can eat these lemon drops!" The deatheaters suggested helpfully.

Alicia bit her lip, and fumed, and tried to look powerful and commanding, but nobody was yielding so she said, "FINE! I'll spread the good news to the world myself!"

And she spun on her heel to do just that, but that sneaky thief was suddenly in front of her.

And then they died. Of remorse.

Just kidding. Actually Alicia grabbed Jack fiercely, and slapped him, and kissed him on his slimy thieving lips.

"That's for stealing my thunder, fool!"

"Ah!" Jack objected, insulted. "Then this," he said, grabbing a lemon drop and forcing it into her mouth, "is for stealing my word, and for putting your dirty muggle lips on my dirty muggle lips!"

Alicia scrunched up her mouth because it was sour, and then, you will never guess what that horrible no good very bad little sneak did. It was so terrible that I don't even want to tell you. No, seriously, you will freak out and die. Of remorse.

Oh, sorry. That happened earlier.

What we talkin' about?

Oh, yeah. Well, the awful, terrible truth of the story is this:

Talia and Devin got married, and changed their last name to Weasley.

Oops, wrong part. That comes later, and it isn't even part of this story. What really happened next was Frederick accidentally swallowed a fly, and the deatheaters had to use Sectum Sempra to perform an emergancy surgery to get it out of his system.

But that's not the terrible part. Obviously, because Jack didn't do anything in it. So what did Jack do? Well. It's so terrible that I have to whisper it, so that Alicia will not hear. So come close. Ahem.

(He kissed her.)

THE GROSS AND TERRIFYING END, THEY LIVED HAPPILY GROSS EVER AFTER AND RODE INTO THE SUNSET OF AZKABAN ON A THESTRAL OF DEATH, WHILE DEMENTORS WERE CONFUSED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T TAKE AWAY THE HAPPINESS OF TRUE LOVE'S GROSSOCITY!

[overthinkingfeathers]

I have not done a Pillars of Eternity update in a while, though I’m still playing consistently. I am now some unknown number of hours in (at least 30, but given my tendency to leave games alt tabbed, I can’t say how much more than that), and a lot has happened. Specifically: 

Defiance Bay is on fire.

This was minorly spoiled by the friend who has played before who I am making look up questions I have. The point is that he will not be spoiled, having already done this and also not caring, but this has not proven super effective. 

I got Pallegina. She is perfect. 

I am, for the first time, somewhat glad this game doesn’t have romances, or else it would be ME3 all over again where I’d be halfway through one romance before wanting to do another. 

I’m just joking, I would kill for romances. 

That being said, I totally forgot to take her to Twin Elms, so uh, clearly I’m not the most considerate. 

I need to be able to take all of companions everywhere, thanks. I know melee already has a pathing issue, but I’ll make do. 

Also, I’m glad for a game that has so many prompts for my Watcher being Godlike (everything from a random brothel flirt to main quests), there’s none for talking to the other Godlike. Who happens to be from the same country. 

I’ve been in Twin Elms for like 30 seconds and already have conflicting kill people quests. Amazing. 

‘We don’t let outsiders in our sacred places, except under very special circumstances. Tread carefully.’ Enter sacred places. ‘Kill this very important clan leader without a clear line of succession.’ 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a dick, but uh, this doesn’t feel like the most becoming outsider behavior. 

Like, you can just outright attack him in his tent? I don’t know what happens if you kill him that way, because it is Hard and I am lazy, but still. 

You get the lazy route poison from a botanist by saying your friend’s giant scary pet is dying. It’s not even a deception check. A m a z i n g. 

I am thankful for this semi-amusing questline, because the rest of Twin Elms is dark as fuck. 

You’re going to fracture into a million pieces and lose your mind. This is inevitable. 

Unless you can get the bad guy to tell you secrets. 

Which he won’t. 

And the only way to even get to him is to jump into a pit of spikes and hope a god will save you. 

Also, they might not be real. We’re not going to elaborate on that. 

Oh, and there’s a lot of human/elf/dwarf/etc sacrifice like 50 feet to your left. 

What the fuck, Twin Elms? 

This is getting long. Whoops. 

Aloth has told me his secrets. I’m so proud. 

And by proud I mean the save where he indicated he needed to talk about his whole Awakened thing is labeled Finally!!!

The save before he told me he was also in the Leaden Key is labeled nothing at all because I was completely caught off guard. 

He was such a shitty liar about Iselmyr that I assumed he had no other secrets. So that was well done. 

I let him steal the notes from the animancer, because it contained his personal history and I guess omitting names and identifying info isn’t a thing in this world, so yeah, fair enough. I gently encouraged him to work with Iselmyr and not consider her to be a bad thing. 

Naturally, when I asked what he was going to do about the permanency of the situation later, he decided to... completely suppress her? Ignore her? Which was, uh, not what I was hoping for. 

He seems happy at least. 

To be fair, I did specifically pick the neutral what are you planning option instead of encouraging them to work it out again, because I felt like it should ultimately be his choice. I can’t really complain if I disagree with it. 

He seems to have the most conversation interjections. 95% of them are snark. 

Edér is still not having a good time. The whole find out why your brother fought for the opposite side thing didn’t turn out well. I assume it’s going to come up again. 

Also, he’s still carrying around a literal door as a shield. 

That’s it, that’s really all the development he’s had in the last like 15 hours. 

Sagani remains perfect, has had nothing new happen. Occasionally she switches her weapon set to melee, presumably just to spite me. I’ll find those cliffs one day. 

Kana got dragged through the first 7 levels of that stupidly large dungeon and otherwise has remained at home. 

I feel kind of bad about this, but my Watcher is a chanter too, and I can’t take everyone everywhere. And he has a really bad habit of summoning skeletons just as the battle ends. Like, every time. 

Assassins kept attacking me in Defiance Bay, and I’m not sure if they were meant to be tied into his questline or not. Presumably not, because he wasn’t with me, but??? Who knows? Not me. 

I’m glad the end boss of his quest was literally just titled “Skeletal wizard.” Like, he had a lore name, but they couldn’t be bothered to pretend he was going to be more difficult than any other skeletal wizard mechanics wise. 

His hat remains stupid and on his head. 

Durance has decided to talk to me and start sharing his secrets. 

On one hand, I appreciate his storyline. Faithful priest gets divine inspiration to build a weapon that can kill gods, uses it, then gets complete silence from his goddess? Doesn’t know if he fucked up, goes wandering in an attempt to reestablish his connection, has mixed feelings of regret and bitterness and confusion? Good! I am interested in this story. 

On the other hand, he’s still a dick. Participated in the Purges, thinks guns are amazing because you can kill mages with them, is abrasive and antagonistic with everyone. 

I am not of the ‘characters need to be perfect and unproblematic’ ilk, so that’s not the problem. The problem is I have limited number of spots in my party, and I don’t want to spend one of a guy who’s just going to be rude to everyone, but this is what his quest requires me to do. 

The Grieving Mother remains largely the same. 

She won’t tell me her secrets yet because I told her that what actually happened is more important than memories, and that was apparently the Wrong Answer. 

She’s taken to calling my stronghold, “As beautiful as it can be with the absence of children,” which. Look, this stronghold has training grounds and guards walking around everywhere and gets attacked like once a week. Maybe we should be glad for the lack of children in there.

Admittedly this is still better than Aloth’s, “We’re not going to sleep here, are we?” so. 

Hiravias is getting dragged around Twin Elms since personal quest. 

He has not been nearly as helpful in terms of societal stuff as I thought he’d be. These are your people. Please help me not fuck this up. 

I’m not gonna lie, I think I muddled up the answers on the inscription part of his quest. I had no consistent message there. That probably wasn’t helpful. 

His AI is set to shapeshift ASAP. He stubbornly refuses to do that. It’s rude. 

Not character related, but I’m glad there was a prompt at the beginning of Act 3 about character level. 

By glad I mean not really because

1.) That options were super unclear. Does high level mean I’ll stay high level, or enemies will scale to reach me? Does standard mean change nothing or standardize levels? You can’t change it later, so good luck!!! 

(Fortunately, I had a save right before, so I totally could change it.) 

2.) The first group of enemies I ran into after that was a pack of 6 giant ogres that proceeded to wreck me. 

Then it was trolls. 

Then blights and adragans. 

I mean, only the ogres gave me problems, but still, rude. ‘This is getting too easy, so here’s the option to raise the difficulty and then here’s a bunch of giant mobs of big enemies.’