#aveyondaliciaxjack

[queenrhenpendragon]

Complete Silliness

Starring Alicia Pendragon: A sort-of Harry Potter crossover fanfiction where the AP characters are Harry Potter characters except they aren’t. Full nonsense and... yep pretty much nonsense. Enjoy

Once upon a time in a fictional land, there lived a handsome Dark Lord named Tom Marvolo Riddle. He hated all things in life - people, food, rain, sun, even cotton candy - and yet he was obsessed with living.

Alicia Pendragon couldn't understand it at all. Of course, it wasn't her area of expertise. That was Talia and Devin's job. They were the awesome peasant-wizard/knight(s) on a quest to defeat him. And Frederick was the one with a lighting scar on his forehead, to prove he'd survived Tom Marvolo Riddle's cleaning curse. And Jack was the freaky nemesis of Frederick who thought all muggles belonged in Azkaban, but for some reason stayed with Talia and Devin and Frederick. Maybe because he was sort of a muggle. But she'd learned not to remind him of that.

As a matter of fact, if she'd had it her way, all of this would be Alicia's area of expertise. But her father would rather she go to a bancy fall and marry a prandsome hince, or something of that sort. Like the union by marriage of two kingdoms would help the world at all! . . . Well, maybe a little, but it would be much more useful to defeat the Dark Lord. And more exciting.

That was why she had devised a cunning plan. She would make the Devin-knight like her! And then he would invite her on the quest with him, and of course an honorable princess couldn't refuse a favor from a knight. That was what she would tell her father, anyway...

"'JUST A GIRL?' WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"Boys are better fighters!" The blue-haired knight said.

"WHAT? Oh, I'll show you, YOU STUPID KNI-"

"GUYS!" Talia yelled louder than Alicia would have thought possible. "We're supposed to be defeating Tom, here!" There was momentary silence, interrupted only by Frederick's groans.

"My head!"

The Dark Lord looked equally pained. "Your head? What about my entire body! And my wedding! Ugh, just take the stupid princess! I can't stand to be in your pathetic presence!" And he apparated away.

Then back again. "AND DON'T CALL ME TOM! I AM-erm... uh..."

"Stupid?" Alicia supplied, very annoyed with all the going-ons. She hated being kidnapped, and her plans to woo Devin were tossed to the wind, because no way was she ever speaking to the jerk again.

"Yeah, Stupid!" And then he realized what he was agreeing to. "I mean no, you insolent noble! I am... AHRIMAN!" He apparated away again.

"... Ahriman? Is that suppose to be scary?" Jack started laughing. "Sounds- like 'Mary- Ann!'-- Fool!"

Frederick groaned again and clutched his head. Alicia rolled her eyes. "Well, you rescued me! Congratulations, peasants! As payment for your services, I will now join you on your quest!"

"WHAT?" Devin protested.

"You heard her, Devin!" Talia gushed. "Ooh, finally there's another girl! I'm not the only brains around here anymore!"

This what met by general annoyance, except from Alicia, who smirked at the success of her plan.

"Ooh, finally! A rich muggle to steal from!" Jack grinned.

That put a damper in her mood.

This was it. The end of the war had finally come. That, or the end of the world. Whichever came first.

"Aww, not you again!" Ahriman drawled in a whining voice. "Can't you let me take over the world, achieve immortality, and kill muggles in peace?"

"Your time on this earth is over, Tom!" Talia proclaimed fiercely.

There was a momentary silence, over which only the sound of Frederick's groans could be heard. Talia nudged the dozing knight standing next to her. "Hmm? What? I 'gree with Talia!" He drifted off again. Alicia rolled her eyes.

"Die, Ahriman!"

"Ooh, you remembered my name!" The Demon Dark Lord gushed. "I should reward you! DEATH EATERS!"

Hooded figures immediately appeared beside him. "Yes, my lord?"

"Bring this girl my supply of lemon drops! You know, those ones that Dumbledore forced on us. Remember him? That scary old druid of time?"

"Yes, lord."

They disapparated.

"What? I don't want your lemon drops!" Alicia protested, disgusted.

Lord Ahriman made an insulted noise. "Fine, you ungrateful swine! Don't take them!" The death eaters apparated back in and handed Alicia the lemon drops.

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?" Ahriman screamed. "NO LEMON DROPS FOR THE UNGRATEFUL SWINE!"

The cloaked wizards dropped the candy like a hot potato and cowered. "Sorry, Lor-"

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?" The deatheaters shrank back, shaking.

Devin rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just defy him?"

Ahriman gasped. "HOW DARE YOU-"

"COTTON CANDY!" Sang a voice that sounded suspiciously like Jack's.

Maybe because it was Jack's. He twirled into the room, glowing, holding bags of fluffy pink perfection. Frederick momentarily forgot to groan.

Talia sighed. "Jack, really we don't have ti-"

"GET THAT HORRID CONFECTION OUT OF MY SIGHT!" bellowed the Dark Lord, jumping into the arms of the nearest deatheater and cowering even as he shot a black glare in the candy's direction.

Jack's good mood melted like a popsicle abandoned in the desert on the hottest day of July. "But..." his lip trembled and tears started streaming from his eyes. "But I worked so hard to bring it here all just for you and I almost lost it once and three times I nearly diiiiiiied!" He was sobbing before he even finished the sentence. "Please take it!" He bawled, shoving the candy at Ahriman.

The demon hissed and recoiled. "No! NO! NOO! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID MUGGLE! NO! AGH!" He leaped from the deatheater's arms and pulled out his staff. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

Frederick dived in front of Jack, but too late. The curse had already connected.

The body hit the ground with a resounding thud. Everyone stared, deatheater, wizards, and muggles alike.

"YEAH!" Devin cheered, sweeping Talia into his arms and dancing. "FINALLY!"

"MY HEAD IS AT PEACE AT LAST!" Frederick rejoiced.

"HAHA! YOU ALL SO TOTALLY OWE ME!" Jack whooped, tossing the cotton candy into the air in jubilation.

Now you are thinking I made some typo, because Jack died, didn't he?

No, he most certainly did not. Ahriman had killed himself, rather than be in the presence of the hated cotton candy for another second.

Alicia could have kissed Jack, except that he'd so totally stolen her thunder.

Stupid thief.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she huffed, "let's get out of here already."

"What? No celebration for my remarkable achievement?" Jack whined.

"No celebration for my skull's relief?" Frederick added.

Devin looked distraught and squeaked, "No... cake?"

"We can eat these lemon drops!" The deatheaters suggested helpfully.

Alicia bit her lip, and fumed, and tried to look powerful and commanding, but nobody was yielding so she said, "FINE! I'll spread the good news to the world myself!"

And she spun on her heel to do just that, but that sneaky thief was suddenly in front of her.

And then they died. Of remorse.

Just kidding. Actually Alicia grabbed Jack fiercely, and slapped him, and kissed him on his slimy thieving lips.

"That's for stealing my thunder, fool!"

"Ah!" Jack objected, insulted. "Then this," he said, grabbing a lemon drop and forcing it into her mouth, "is for stealing my word, and for putting your dirty muggle lips on my dirty muggle lips!"

Alicia scrunched up her mouth because it was sour, and then, you will never guess what that horrible no good very bad little sneak did. It was so terrible that I don't even want to tell you. No, seriously, you will freak out and die. Of remorse.

Oh, sorry. That happened earlier.

What we talkin' about?

Oh, yeah. Well, the awful, terrible truth of the story is this:

Talia and Devin got married, and changed their last name to Weasley.

Oops, wrong part. That comes later, and it isn't even part of this story. What really happened next was Frederick accidentally swallowed a fly, and the deatheaters had to use Sectum Sempra to perform an emergancy surgery to get it out of his system.

But that's not the terrible part. Obviously, because Jack didn't do anything in it. So what did Jack do? Well. It's so terrible that I have to whisper it, so that Alicia will not hear. So come close. Ahem.

(He kissed her.)

THE GROSS AND TERRIFYING END, THEY LIVED HAPPILY GROSS EVER AFTER AND RODE INTO THE SUNSET OF AZKABAN ON A THESTRAL OF DEATH, WHILE DEMENTORS WERE CONFUSED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T TAKE AWAY THE HAPPINESS OF TRUE LOVE'S GROSSOCITY!