#I don’t have those barbies anymore but sometimes I wish I did I fear I still get confused

[softyoongiionly]

NSFW A-Z List (Fear and Dumplings! Yoongi)

***This contains smut, 18+ only please***

“So, I guess I’m doing this. Look, if you’ve read my story so far, you know I’m socially awkward and (previously) sexually deprived so, if this gets weird I’m sorry, you asked for it. Uhhh here we go I guess...”

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex):

“It just depends on what kind of sex I just had. If it was slow and lazy then, I’m probably just going to lay with Y/N for a bit. I use any excuse I can to get her to play with my hair but, after sex she usually just does it on her own. Sometimes though, sex gets a little intense for me. Before Y/N, I wasn’t emotionally attached to sex but, now I am and, there are times when I need to recover afterwards, especially if things get overwhelming. Y/N knows exactly how to take care of me and, she knows the best way to bring me back from subspace. That’s why I feel comfortable enough to be submissive with her.”

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

“Uh I don’t really have a body part of mine that I like enough to mention. Y/N likes my hands, she plays with my fingers when she’s nervous or bored and, I don’t even think she knows that I notice. But, it’s really cute ha.”

“I honestly can’t choose a favorite body part of Y/N’s because that feels a little weird to do. One of my favorite things about her is how comfortable she makes me feel. She has this way of making everyone feel at ease and, it’s one of the first things I noticed about her. Anyway, I love her a lot ha. This is supposed to be a sex thing and, I’m just making it about how much I love my girlfriend. Aqua says its because I’m a Pisces but, love and sex are very much the same thing to me now so, expect a lot more mushy shit.”

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person):

“Cum? What about cum? Is this question really just about cum? Aqua, where the hell did you find this prompt? Uh ok cum…I mean I like when Y/N swallows but, I don’t expect her too. I don’t really have a thing for my cum, I could take it or leave it. I think a lot of people see cumming on someone’s face as a possessive thing and, I’m not really that kind of guy. I like Y/N’s cum on my lips though, especially if I’ve been eating her out, sometimes I wish she’d wait a little longer to kiss me just so, I could taste it longer…”

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

“I mean, I think love makes me a little crazy sometimes but, I don’t know if I would consider that a dirty secret. Y/N is the first person I’ve ever been in love with and, I think I get a little weird about it. For example, the other day she was cleaning her apartment and, I literally could not stop staring at her. I just wanted to watch her. Not in a creepy way, well fuck, I don’t know that sounds kind of creepy. I just find her so endearing and pretty, sometimes I wonder why she’s even with me…”

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?):

“I’ve slept with 8 people including Y/N but, besides her and Hoseok, they were hook-ups I had throughout university. I would say I’m pretty experienced with sex but, I never cared much about it until I met Y/N.”

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual):

“I like when she’s on top the best, especially when she’s choking me.”

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc):

“Like I said earlier, I feel really comfortable with Y/N. Sex is funny sometimes, it’s not always extremely passionate or movie-like. There are moments when we laugh together, especially when we’re both trying not to cum. It’s the only way to hold it sometimes ha.”

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.):

“Uh do people really want to know if I have pubes? Is that a genuine curiosity? I mean, I have a little bit. I’m not a very hairy person but, I keep it neat and everything. Side note, any person that insists on you shaving your body hair is a loser. Y/N isn’t a Barbie doll so, I don’t expect her to be clean shaven all the time, or any of the time, that’s ridiculous.”

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…):

“I’m so in love right now that it’s a little gross so, I basically melt as soon as Y/N touches me. Or as soon as she does most things…”

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon):

“I don’t really do it that often anymore. If I have any spare time, I’m usually with Y/N and, I’d much rather save anything I have for her. If we both get busy though, sometimes I will. Y/N usually helps me out either way.”

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks):

“I think my kinks have been a pretty big focus of our story so, I’m sure most of you already know ha. I think my biggest ones are biting, scratching, choking and,probably uh... love? I know love is a weird one but, I always cum really hard when Y/N tells me she loves me. What can I say? I’m a baby.”

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do):

“The bedroom. Seriously, I don’t know how people do it anywhere else. I’m not athletic enough for that. I have a soft spot for car sex but, I would still prefer it in the bedroom. Oh and, my studio. Shit. Maybe I like it there better…there’s a lot of good memories there. I can’t talk about that though, Y/N isn’t going to be home for another hour and, I don’t want to get worked up.”

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going):

“Sex is an expression of love for me so, my motivation is to show her how much I love her with my affection. That’s probably a boring answer but, it’s the truth. As far as what turns me on, I mean, it’s not anything specific. Y/N has a way of turning me on without even trying.  Her voice is really pretty so, when she’s speaking softly to me when we’re in bed together, that turns me on. She also does this thing where she slides her hands underneath my t-shirt and, uh…yeah. Holy shit ha. If her hands are on me, I’m kind of done for. I really wish she wasn’t working late tonight.”

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs):

“Threesomes, public sex and, anything gross. I like spit and cum, that’s about it as far as bodily fluids go.”

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc):

“If Y/N let me, I’d probably live between her legs. This is one thing, I’m not really shy about. I love eating pussy. I just do. I love getting head too obviously, it’s amazing. The first time Y/N ever did it for me, I almost passed out. I still don’t know how I stayed standing while she was down there, I felt like I was gonna throw up.”

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.):

“I like it all. Different moods call for different speeds. If I had a preference though, it would probably be  slower sex. The kind of sex where it feels like it lasts a long time. We had a night like that recently. I think we started kissing around midnight and, we didn’t stop until like 3am. Then, we ordered takeout. I’m the luckiest man alive ha.”

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.):

“Quickies are fine. Sex is sex. It’s all great. I prefer when we don’t feel rushed but, sometimes you just need to get off.”

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.):

“I’m down to experiment with Y/N because, I trust her. I trust that she would never push me too far or take advantage of me. “

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…):

“I last as long as I’m told to last haha. I don’t usually cum without permission. Y/N tells me beforehand whether or not I need to ask and, during those times, I don’t last very long if I’m being honest. It’s too good. I always make sure she’s taken care of though and, usually that gets me hard again anyway.”

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?):

“I know Y/N owns a vibrator but, I don’t have any toys right now. We are talking about getting a strap on but, I’m still working up to that.”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease):

“I’m definitely not the tease in the relationship but, if I do tease,  it’s because I’m trying to get punished.”

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make):

“I’m not very loud I don’t think. According to Y/N, my breathing just gets heavier and, by the end of it, I’m usually whimpering into her neck or something, probably signing over the deed to my car or some shit. She has that effect on me. “

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice):

“One time Y/N made me cum so hard, it literally messed up my vision for a moment. Things got a little blurry and, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was one of the most intense feelings I’ve ever felt but, it was after she had been teasing me for a long time. It was incredible ha.”

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words):

Yoongi opted not to answer this question.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?):

“Embarrassingly high. Things change when her and I are apart because, I just miss being around her more than anything but, at some point I always end up wanting her too.”

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards):

“Despite most people’s assumptions, I don’t just pass out immediately after sex. Sometimes it makes me really tired, especially if she’s been playing with me but, I feel like I’m a little too needy to just fall asleep right afterwards. Sometimes, sex gives me energy too because, I feel so good when we’re done that I’m ready to be productive. That happens in the studio a lot actually, sex helps me focus so, if we do it in there, I usually feel more creative.”

If you guys want to see other characters let me know! 

[staticscreenwriting]

12 Days of Christmas - [Day 10]

A/N: Day number 10 for the Christmas coundown with @mattysheelies. Hope you enjoy. I started rhyming in the end there it’s uh — a choice that was made. Lemme know what you think of the whole story, I know I ain’t no poet ♥

Prompt: Co-parenting on Christmas.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader

“ Billy,

dear god, you’re quite the sight. You know that though, don’t you ?! Cocky bastard :)

It’s been 2 weeks since we took our baby girl home and it’s also our anniversary today. Who would’ve thought we’d end up here. Lounging on a sunday morning, in our bed, in our house, with our baby. 

Right now you’re asleep, baby cuddled into your chest and I’m watching you (like a full on creep) but I just can’t bring myself to look away. I should be working on another article for my job but writing about how much this sight means to me, how much you two mean to me, seems more important.

I thought I knew what love was when we got together, I was wrong. When Noelle was born I was flooded with a completely different kind of love, instant, breathtaking. She is my everything and I can never thank you enough for giving me her. Then I see you, doting on her, being the best dad anyone could ask for — and I love you more every time I see you two together.

I was scared things weren’t gonna be this good (to be fair, I still get worried sometimes that this is too good to be true) but then I look at you and things are okay. Thank you for being by my side through it all. Even when we both were scared. I knew you weren’t gonna run but  didn’t expect you to be such a natural. Noelle adores you just as much as I do, just as much as you adore her. I find it a bit rude that you’re her favorite when I am the one feeding her but then again, I can’t blame her (out of the two of us, you’d be my favorite too). Your chest is her favorite place in the world — it’s mine too.

Oh you’re waking up now and giving me one of those signature grins that remind me of the first time we locked eyes at Tina’s shitty Halloween Party. You just asked me if I’m writing about you and I said no (which was obviously a lie), I think you know it’s a lie.

They way you just looked at our baby makes me melt. Our baby. 

Our perfect little world. 

I don’t know if you’ll ever get to read this letter or if I keep it for myself. If you do though, I want you to know that I love you. Always.

xx (Y/N) “ 

“ (Y/N) ? “ 

I fold the letter back, stuff it into the pocket of my jeans and quickly close the lid of the box that had been pushed to the back of my closet for such a long time now. I am always painfully aware of the fact that it’s there, I’m just usually very good at ignoring it. 

“ (Y/N), oh hey — there you are. Did you find it ? “ my sister asks as she steps into the room, smile on her face.

“ Here you go “ I reply, handing her the flyer that has initially let me to opening the box in the first place.

She looks at me with a certain gravity in her eyes, uncertainty — fear ?

“ Are you sure this is okay ? I mean this is where Billy proposed. “

My eyes fall onto the flyer for the hotel. It’s like I can still smell the ocean and taste the salty air on my tongue. Those were our good days and to remember them is both comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. It’s also not where he proposed but she doesn’t need to know that. That’s for me and Billy. Our little secret. If nothing else prevails, this for sure will.

“ It’s fine, (Y/S/N). Don’t worry. Billy and I broke up a year ago, we’re friends. It’s all good. “ 

Something about those words doesn’t feel right even though nothing about them is a lie. We are friends and everything is going pretty good. Though referring to him as a friend, as if he doesn’t still own the biggest piece of my heart, as if he didn’t give me the best present he ever could have — it feels wrong. Unfinished.

“ Alright cool. I can’t wait to take Lucy there, you said It was really magical so — “ 

I am happy for my sister, I really am. I want her and her girlfriend to have a good time on their first vacation together. It’s why I swallow all the pain and smile and nod. The pain is there though, even a year later — I hate this.

“ I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time. Now let’s get back to the kitchen or mom’s gonna kill me for making her cook the Christmas Eve dinner when it’s MY house. “ 

It’s a thing my family does, have a big dinner on Christmas Eve. Some tradition passed down from generation to generation, once put in place by some German relatives that none of us at this table even remember. I enjoy it though, being around my family. I just wish the seat next to me wouldn’t be deserted. I wish he was here.

Now let me tell you that, despite what it may sound like, the breakup was not a decision he made by himself. It was a conscious decision that we made together. With his work and mine taking up all out time, we hardly saw each other anymore. The stress from both our jobs trickled into our family life ever so slightly until it ended in us yelling and shouting about things that weren’t the other’s fault.

So we decided to break up. Sometimes it’s easier to give up than to fight. 

The divorce papers are resting in my bedside cabinet, not signed, still in the envelope. Billy hasn’t signed them yet either.

As I step into the kitchen, the scents of nutmeg and honey, of rosemary and thyme all wash over me. It takes me back to the days of my childhood. This feels cozy. This feels like home. Though it doesn’t dull the silent ache of my heart. 

“ (Y/N) don’t you think you should check on the turkey? “ my mom speaks up as she leans against the kitchen counter, glass of wine clutched in her hand. 

“ It still needs a bit, mom. I just checked like 10 minutes ago. “ 

“ I’m just looking out for you, sorry for trying to help. “ 

I love my mother but ever since I moved out and started my own family, something in her seems to have shifted, and not in a good way. Nothing I do seems to satisfy these insane expectations she has set for me, anymore. Neither my parenting nor my housekeeping seems good enough. It’s infuriating and exhausting but I know deep down it comes from a place of love and care.

“ Noelle still not here ? “ she asks, sipping the last of her drink “ thought you said Billy would have her back by 6. “ 

It’s at that moment that I start to get really irritated. I can deal with her judging me and what I do or don’t do. I hate when she does the same to Billy. She has never been his biggest fan but she knew he made me happy so she accepted him. Ever since our breakup though, things have taken a turn for the worse. She doesn’t waste any opportunity to talk ill about him and I am not having it. None of her words are founded in reality either. It’s ridiculous.

“ Mom it’s 5:14. He’s still in time. And even if he wasn’t, he’s her dad. He gets to spend time with her. “ 

“ Quite a dad, leaving you two alone. “ 

“ Mom, stop !  “ 

Neither my voice nor my face must leave any room for debate. He’s a wonderful dad and I will not let her spew her malice here. 

“ I’m sorry. “ She isn’t but it’s Christmas Eve so I let it slide.

The door ringing puts an end to our staredown and I am ever so grateful for the distraction and the way out of this tension filled kitchen.

When I open the door, the first thing that meets me is the blistering cold of the Indiana winter. A sharp gust of wind hits my face and I’m sure my nose is already a vivid shade of red. 

The next this I see is a little blond girl clinging to my legs, big blue eyes looking up at me. Her gap toothed smile makes my heart feel soft and warm, even with the cold from the outside surrounding me. My little girl never fails to bring sunshine into my life.

“ Hi mommy “ she says and hugs me even tighter. I comb my fingers through her hair, curled and pinned up slightly. He never accepts the compliments and sometimes I think it makes him self conscious, but Billy is great at doing her hair. I think he enjoys doing it too. When she was just a baby, only a few thin hair on her head, he already spend hours brushing them and putting little bows in.

“ Hey bub, did you have fun with daddy ? “ 

She nods vigorously “ So much fun! We watched Aristocats and Fox and the Hound. Daddy cried but — “ 

“ Hey Nolie how about you tell mom what Santa left at my house for you “

It’s the first time he speaks up and my eyes wander up towards him. I don’t think I will ever be able to look at him and not have my heart skip a beat. He’s a vision, even now. I can tell he’s exhausted, his leather jacket is pulled tightly around his frame and the snow falling onto his head has left his hair in moist curly streaks. 

“ Oh my god, mommy. Santa dropped of a Barbie dream house at dad’s place. With an elevator and a working doorbell. “ 

The enthusiasm in her voice makes me smile. It makes Billy smile too and that smile makes me want to melt right there and then. Back when we first found out I was pregnant, at just 18, we never thought we would end up here. Neither of us had planned this far ahead but we knew from the get go that all we wanted was to create a happy childhood for our baby. It was always happy even in the beginning when we struggled. Now, being a bit more financially stable, gives us the chance to spoil her a little. And I can see how much Billy relishes in the fact that he can give his girl her dreams, even if those dreams are pink plastic houses. All he wants is to make her smile. All he wants is to make her happy.

“ No way ? “ 

“ Uh-huh ! “ 

“ So I take it, you had a good time at daddy’s ? “ 

“ The best time ! “ She exclaims then rushed back and throws her little arms around Billy’s waist. 

“ I had the best time too, baby “ he replies and places a kiss on her head. “ You wanna go in say hi to everyone ? “ he asks and nudges her towards the living room. 

“ yup yup yup. “ 

As soon as she’s out of sight, my heart starts beating faster and my hands get clammy. It’s ridiculous really. This man has seen me at my best, my worst, my most vulnerable and yet this moment makes me nervous to be around him. 

“ Was she any trouble ? “ 

“ She’s never trouble, (Y/N). “ 

“ Ah — you wouldn’t tell me even if she were. “ 

“ She’s never trouble to me. “ 

I think he feels guilty, still. I think in Billy’s mind it’s his and only his fault that we had to break up. I think he faults himself for not being able to keep up this perfect little family we used to be for a while. I think he thinks he failed us.

He hasn’t. We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to work — and we do.

“ Actually, do you have a moment ? I got something for you.  “ I say, motion for him to come inside and finally close the door to shield us from the cold. 

“ You didn’t have to get me anything. “ 

“ Well I didn’t. “ I say and rush towards the cupboard, pulling out a square box wrapped in red paper with a big green bow. “ Santa did “.

He scoffs but by the little smirk pulling at his ips, I can tell my joke wasn’t really all that bad.

Billy rips off the paper like a child on Christmas morning. It makes me sad to think that when he was little he didn’t get to really do these things. He never fully told me how bad things were but I know they weren’t pleasant. I’m glad I can give him those things now, even if we aren’t together anymore.

“ Mötley Crüe ? Thanks (Y/N). “ 

“ It’s their new album aaaand, “ I say and take his hand to turn the album around “ It’s signed. “ 

He’s got the same twinkling in his eyes that Noelle had when she told me about the barbie house. It make my heart grow three sizes.

“ How did you — ? “ 

“ I spoke to someone at work who’s responsible for the music department. She got to interview them the other day and so I asked her if she might be able to have them sign this. It’s not big deal really. “ 

“ No, it is. And now I feel really shit I don’t have anything for you. “ 

“ You already gave me all I will ever need. “ I say and glance towards the living room where Noelle is sitting on my father’s lap, telling him all about her barbie dreamhouse.

“ You did that for me too, (Y/N). “ 

For a moment we just stand there, lost in the thoughts of what we have and what should be, but isn’t. Then it occurs to me that, once this conversation is over and we say goodbye, I get to spend a nice evening with my family while Billy goes back home to — no one.

I can’t do that to him. I can’t let his Christmas turn into a sad day again. 

“ You got any plans for tonight then ? And tomorrow ? “ 

He bites his lower lip and I know he doesn’t want to talk about it. By now I have him figured out quite well. Know when he feels uncomfortable. Know what his little quirks and gestures mean. 

“ Nah, Max and Lukas aren’t coming around until New Years. No chance I’m gonna go see my dad so — probably just me and some movies. “ 

“ What about, “ gosh what was her name ? “ Sandra ? “ 

“ Sarah ? “ he asks an eyebrow mockingly raised “ uh — that wasn’t really a long term thing. It’s why I didn’t want Nolie to meet her. We ended things like 4 months ago. “ 

It shouldn’t, but it gives me a weird satisfaction.

“ Billy I can’t let you be alone on Christmas. Stay here. We have a spare room and I know Nolie wants you around. “ 

“ (Y/N) I can’t do that. “ 

“ Why not ? “ 

“ Don’t wanna impose. “ 

“ You don’t. Is this because of my mom? Cause if it is, fuck that. She’ll just have to deal.” 

He contemplates for a moment, I can almost see the gears in his head turning. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this isn’t about mom. Oh god maybe he doesn’t wanna spend time with me.

“ You can tell me that you have a date, you know ? “ he says and I am absolutely confused.

“ Huh ? “ 

“ Noelle said some dude called Jack is staying with you guys on Christmas. You can tell me that. I mean I would’ve liked to meet him before you bring him around my kid but — it’s your life. I don’t think he’d want your ex-husband around. “ 

“ Husband “ 

I don’t know why It’s so important to me to make that clear but the facts still stand. Billy is my husband.

“ Yeah whatever. Don’t think your boyfriend would like that. “ 

It’s then, that I have to laugh. A full on belly laugh that goes all through my body and fills me with giggles. I don’t know if I’m laughing so hard because the situation is so ridiculous or because It reminds me that he still cares, that he’s maybe even a bit jealous. Probably both.

“ It’s not that funny. “ 

“ Oh but it is. Come on let me show you something. “ 

I take his hand in mine and I feel like I did back in High School. It’s warm and soft and it feels like my hand and his were meant to hold onto each other. I feel him intertwine his finger with mine and my heart stops for a second. This isn’t how you should feel about an ex partner, is it ? 

Quickly I push open the door to the guest room then close it behind us. The high pitched barks of a little black puppy reach my ears and, before I can warn him, little Jack is already trying to climb up Billy’s leg. 

“ Billy, meet Jack. “ 

The realisation dawns on his face. Billy, as much as he hates and likes to deny it, is an extremely expressive person. It’s very endearing. 

“ Jack’s a dog “ 

“ Yup. “ 

“ Jesus. I just made a fucking fool of myself. “

“ Ah it wasn’t so bad. “ 

“ I was jealous of a dog. “ 

My heart drops to my stomach. So he was jealous. Does it really matter ? Does that change things ? I mean we’re still broken up, so it shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. 

But it does.

The letter in my pocket feels like it weight a thousand pounds as I suddenly get so very aware of all the feelings still there. Did we make the right decision ? Should we have fought harder ? Should we —

“ Why are you crying ? “ 

I don’t even notice it until he mentions it, until his hand softly takes my face and wipes away the stray tears that made it down my cheeks.

There’s no one specific thing that brings those tears, more the realisation of what isn’t anymore. One would think that after about a year of not being together, of living in separate places, leading lives away from one another, my heart would get used to it. The distance and the longing and the missing. It doesn’t though. There’s no getting used to a loss that you deliberately brought onto yourself by making certain decisions.

“ I found a letter earlier today. I wrote it to you when Nolie was just 2 weeks old. I remembered how happy I was then and how — how much I loved what we had then. I guess it just hit me that I wont ever have that again. “ 

“ What are you saying ? “ 

“ I don’t know, to be honest. I just know that I miss what we had and that I miss us as a family. That I miss you. “ 

“ You wrote me a letter? “ 

“ I wrote you so many letters. Or maybe I wrote them for myself, I don’t know. “ 

“ I lied “ he says then kisses the top of my head.

“ Huh ? “ 

“ When I said I didn’t get you anything. I lied. “ 

Billy pulls away a little then fumbles a little box from his jeans. 

“ When I asked you to marry me on our graduation, I didn’t have a spectacular ring or anything. I told you it was because I couldn’t afford it, which was true, but the actual reason was that I had a specific ring in mind that I wanted to give you. It was my grandmother’s. She and my grandpa were the only couple I had growing up that really made me want to believe in love. My mom got the ring after my grandma died and it took me awhile to find out her address. I got it finally and uh — I bought the ring from her. She would’ve given it to me for free but I don’t want her charity. So this — this is the ring I wanted to give you then and it’s the one I want you to have now. “ 

“ Billy, what if you wanna get married again to someone else one day ? You should keep it. “ 

“ No. You have my heart and I will never want to get married to anyone else. It’s yours and maybe one day it will be Noelles. “ 

He slips the ring onto my finger and it sparkles in the light. It’s not a diamond and it’s not big but it’s perfect. The pale pink stone shines like star in a dark winter night. 

We’re both crying now and if anyone were to come in, things would be really hard to explain. But this is our moment now so who cares.

Then he looks at me and I look at him and the air gets sucked out of my lungs and his hand cradles my cheeks and his breath falls onto my skin and we shouldn’t be doing this but we do. We do. We do. 

And it feels so right.

The touch of his lips on mine feels like home, tastes like home. It’s right. It’s right. This is right.

“ I love you, (Y/N). I still love you. “ 

“ I love you too. Do you — think we should try again ? “ 

He nods, then kisses me again. And again. And again.

“ Billy you’re a horrible cook but you are so confident in your failures that in the end it doesn’t really matter. You make up silly stories for Noelle even though she’s way too young to understand them. I think you make them up for yourself too. And for me.

You’re really good at remembering where we’ve seen ‘that actor’ before, when we watch movies. And your ability to tell other people about a movie you’ve seen without spoiling the plot (the way I always manage to). 

I think you always look effortlessly cool even when you just got up. Even when your hair’s a mess. Even when Noelle just threw up her lunch onto your shoulder. 

You’re a wonderful dad. The best. The love you have for our daughter makes my love for your grow each second. You’re never too proud to do anything, never scared to be emasculated or some shit like that. I love how much you love her. How much you love us. How much you love being a dad.

Billy you give me really great Orgas— “ 

“ Okay alright, I think that’s enough for your ego. “ 

We’re sitting in my closet, his back against the wall, my back against his chest. I’m reading him my letters, the ones I wasn’t sure if I had written them for him or me. Turns out I wrote them for us.

“ I think you should finish that one. “ 

“ I think maybe not. “ 

I take his hand in mine, lock my fingers with his and lean my head against his shoulder.

“ Are we making a mistake here ? “ 

He shakes his head “ Nah. I think being with you could never ever be a mistake. I guess we just have to try harder. “ 

“ I’m in if you are. “ 

“ Oh baby I’m all in. “ 

We kiss again and my heart feels whole.

“ Are you gonna stay for Christmas ? Noelle doesn’t know Jack is here already. I wanna surprise her tomorrow morning. “ 

“ Yeah. I’d love that. Being with you guys is all I wanted for Christmas. “ 

Christmas. SHIT ! Christmas.

“ Fuck. The turkey ! “ 

It’s  the morning of Christmas and all through the house, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. 

 I lean against the kitchen counter, cup of coffee in my hand, as I let my eyes wander around the living room. The tree sparkles like an ocean of color with it’s fairy lights neatly in place. There’s presents a-plenty and a little dog asleep on a pillow in front of the couch. 

 This is all that I dreamed of for a whole long year and as I hear steps coming down the stairs I know it’s finally here.

 Yeah my family isn’t perfect and my turkey was a mess. But there’s a pizzeria on my speed dial and my family ? It’s the best. 

 Billy holds our little girl in his arms, tired smiles on both their faces and I know this is the dream, this is the very best of places. 

 When I look at my family, my heart starts to grow. It’s filled with tinsel and songs and it’s then that I know. Christmas ain’t about presents and it ain’t about food, It’s about all your loved ones and the love you exude. Through the smiles and the laughter and the kisses we share, all that I ever needed is in front me there.

 I give my little girl a hug, and a kiss for my man and I think, this is where I belong, right here where I am.

 So I hope that your Christmas is just as merry and bright. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good — 

 “ Mom, there’s a puppy !!!! “ 

  TAGLIST:

@sebastiansloserclub​ I @killer-queen-xo​ I @william-hargroves​ I @billysgodcomplex​ I @daisyxbuckley​ I @allabouthargrove​ I @mcrmarvelloki​ I @charmed-asylum​ I @naiomiwinchester​ I @hargrovesprincess​ I @mystrangerfics​ I @teafrompari​ I @staybruuutal​ I @colourado​ I @higher-further-faster-bb​ I @ayybtch​ I @carlaangel86​ I @baebee35​

[powerfultulips]

weird asks?

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate bars!

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

both?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

probably something along the lines of “weird, but brilliant. also really small and tiny”

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

plastic cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

ideally, grunge

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones all the way babey

8. movies or tv shows?

not really a big fan of either

9. favorite smell in the summer?

um, like campfires and stuff

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

didn’t really have p.e. in school, but i always liked kickball and dodgeball

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

just a spoonful of peanut butter, along with my meds

12. name of your favorite playlist?

either “h” or “oliver!”

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring i guess

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

smarties?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

hamlet, probably. if you’re looking for a novel, a prayer for owen meany.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

the comfy one

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

i have these shitty dad shoes (air monarchs) that i wear a lot. mostly because i keep them tied, and i often don’t feel like tying another pair of shoes when i go out. so they’re basically slip-ons

18. ideal weather?

70 degrees, mostly cloudy, maybe a light rain, or a soft breeze

19. sleeping position?

i usually sleep on my right side, but sometimes i roll over to my left

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

depends what i’m writing, but i like notebooks and my laptop

21. obsession from childhood?

quite a few. gas stations, legos, baseball, phineas and ferb

22. role model?

not sure i have one, i look up to all of my friends in different ways

23. strange habits?

i chew on my knuckles a lot, it’s a nervous stim i’ve had since i was young. dunno if i have any others

24. favorite crystal?

um.... the pretty ones

25. first song you remember hearing?

i have no fuckin idea my guy. maybe 99 luftballons

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

exist in an air-conditioned room

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

put a hoodie on and go for a walk

28. five songs to describe you?

“your heart is a muscle the size of your fist” by ramshackle glory; “after you” by good morning; “dip you in honey” by the wombats; “i’m against the government” by defiance, ohio; “new loved ones” by toro y moi

29. best way to bond with you?

probably helping me out when i’m in a bad situation

30. places that you find sacred?

dunno that there are any, really

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

karkat t-shirt, black jeans (that unfortunately don’t fit me anymore), probably some cute socks

32. top five favorite vines?

hang on i have a list. mychael with a B, this bitch empty YEET, the AA-AAA-AAAA battery one, bbq sauce on my titties, and “is that allowed?”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

i. what does that mean

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

none, fuck capitalism

35. average time you fall asleep?

probably like 2am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

i. have no idea

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suited case

38. lemonade or tea?

tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

pieeee

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

one time a teacher set a dollar bill on fire, i think. i wasn’t there. also a bat got into the bathroom once or twice

41. last person you texted?

my sweet, precious baby boy @literally-an-envelope

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

p a n t

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie!!!!

44. favorite scent for soap?

vaniwwa

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi perhaps?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

i usually sleep in a tshirt and pj pants

47. favorite type of cheese?

pepperjack probably. i had a dream about gouda last night, though

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

a blackberry. idk

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“All people are good for something. The important thing is finding what.” (Tom, MLB Power Pros 2008)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

fuck if i know dude

51. current stresses?

is “everything” an answer

52. favorite font?

helvetica

53. what is the current state of your hands?

slightly sweaty

54. what did you learn from your first job?

sprite with grenadine.... tasty

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk bro

56. favorite tradition?

my family usually goes to chuck e cheese on new years eve. its fun

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

bold of you to assume i’ve overcome anything

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

writing, singing, pitching (baseball), and punting (football)

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

y’know, like nya?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

slice-of-life, or a sports anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

shrugs

62. seven characters you relate to?

are these all gonna be homestuck characters? probably. karkat, tavros, kanaya, dave, john/june, jade, and kankri. ok those are just my favourites but fuck you

63. five songs that would play in your club?

i’d probably have a really chill “club” that just played like, indie music from bands i like

64. favorite website from your childhood?

poptropica

65. any permanent scars?

yeah i have a few, although they’re fading and healing, idk if they will be on my skin forever.

66. favorite flower(s)?

i like tulips

67. good luck charms?

stuffed animals

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

black liquorice

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

fun fact! why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food

70. left or right handed?

right, but i swing left

71. least favorite pattern?

idk

72. worst subject?

like in school? physics

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

shrugs aggressively

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

like 5

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i have no clue

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

probably fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

shrug

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

neither?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

school id, i think

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

ain’t those the same thing

82. pc or console?

i guess i prefer console, but most of my games are on my laptop

83. writing or drawing?

writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts, i guess?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

shrugs

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies !

87. your greatest fear?

losing my loved ones

88. your greatest wish?

am i allowed to say “to be dead”

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my fiancé, for sure

90. luckiest mistake?

i.... don’t know

91. boxes or bags?

🅱️oxen

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

sunlight!!

93. nicknames?

yeah

94. favorite season?

spring

95. favorite app on your phone?

tumblr, or discord

96. desktop background?

something from homestuck. it’s terezi

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

four (mine, dad, mom, fiancé)

98. favorite historical era?

i don’t know that i have one

[thewritingstar]

98 that’s a lot of questions I wonder if you could answer them all 🤔🙃

*Deep sigh and putting my hands together* BOI IF YOU DON’T THINK I CAN ANSWER ALL THESE BITCHES!! YOU COME INTO MY ASK BOX AND TELL ME “i WONDER” HOE DON’T WONDER ANYMORE. 

don’t come for me like this anon.....here ya go. 

smh

i answered all of these and it took forever so yall better read this shit

enjoy bitch

--

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

-Mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

-both im a sugar addict

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

-bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

-prob either really quiet or really loud

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

-I hate soda

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

-I really like pastel and goth styles

7. earbuds or headphones?

-earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

-Both

9. favorite smell in the summer?

-Vanilla

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

-Flag Football (stealing the flags) and badminton

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

-dont really eat in the mornings but prob granola bar or left overs

12. name of your favorite playlist?

-Shower lol

13. lanyard or key ring?

-lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

-Sour gummi worms..that shit is CRACK

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

-Great Gatsby

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

-apple sauce or on one leg

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

-all black converse

18. ideal weather?

-warm and sunny

19. sleeping position?

-stomach, side, in a ball

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

-Laptop or phone

21. obsession from childhood?

-My little pony, littlest pet shop, Disney, elephants, Chinese food

22. role model?

-Tara Strong, Walt Disney, Francis Dominic 

23. strange habits?

-tugging my hair, biting my nails, wiggling on my heels like a penguin and going up stairs on all fours (when im home)

24. favorite crystal?

-answered

25. first song you remember hearing?

-American idiot- Green Day

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

-Eat 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

-Eat

28. five songs to describe you?

-idk Cartoon theme songs lol

29. best way to bond with you?

-make me laugh or talk about disney

30. places that you find sacred?

-Flower gardens

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

-anything with my high heel boots

32. top five favorite vines?

-Road Work Ahead, Oh my god he on X Game mode, What the Fuck Richard, This house is fucking nightmare!, Happy one year babe! Im 27. 

33. most used phrase in your phone?

-YEET, Yall and bitch

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

-Stanley Steamer, The First5California.com song 

35. average time you fall asleep?

-now its 12 am -1 am... use to be like 10pm

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

-oh god that was so long ago i dont even know but it was one of the first ones like pepe or some some

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

-suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

-raspberry ice tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

-dont like lemon in my desserts 

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

-A condom was thrown on my desk in french class (it was unopened thank god)

41. last person you texted?

-my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

-Jacket pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

-HOODIE

44. favorite scent for soap?

-Vanilla or tropical

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

-Superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

-Big shirt and no shorts (underwear obvi)

47. favorite type of cheese?

-I fucking hate cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

-Strawberry or Lemon

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

-Its always fun to do the impossible- Walt Disney

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

-For my birthday my friend got my a “Sorry for your loss” card and i cried for 30 mins

51. current stresses?

-um everything..college and being the only snacc in my household

52. favorite font?

-comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

-Still have both of them

54. what did you learn from your first job?

-That people are assholes 

55. favorite fairy tale?

-Disneys Rapunzel 

56. favorite tradition?

- My grandma got all the grandkids pjs on Christmas eve every year and we would wear them to sleep 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

-Anxiety, Depression (sorta), Dropping my churro on the ground at Disneyland

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

-Quick Wit, Art abilities?, Standing on my head and making weird ass noises

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

-Already answered

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

-A really cool and cute magical one!!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

-From Once Upon A Time, honestly they ave the best quotes. “So when I win your heart, Emma- and i will win it-it will not be because of any trickery, but because you want me”- Killian orrrrrrr He smells like forest”- Regina

62. seven characters you relate to?

-Juvia (FairyTail), Star (SVTFOE), Mabel (Gravity Falls), Maybec (Kingdom Keepers, sassy and artistic), Bubbles and Blossom (PPG) and Belle (beauty and the beast)

63. five songs that would play in your club?

-Boyfriend: BTR, Dancings not a crime: Panic!, Bang bang: Jessie, Ari and Nicki, Read you, wrote you: Drag race lol and Busted from Phineas and Ferb because I can

64. favorite website from your childhood?

-Webkinz, PetPetPark (STILL SALTY ABOUT IT) Club Penguin, Build a bear, Poptropica, i played every game yall

65. any permanent scars?

-only emotionally 

66. favorite flower(s)?

-Roses and water lilies..and every flower cause they pretty.. oh Dahlias too

67. good luck charms?

-petting my dogs. 

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

-Mango anything or Cherry. I hate cherry flavoring. 

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

-I have a great memory so i usually remember how i learned it, but.. Did you know that the water on the Jungle Cruise in Disneyland is 3 feet deep and dyed brown? Plus the water in all the parks is a special mix that doesn't contain chlorine because alot of people are allergic so its safe to touch? (learn from a disney doc)

70. left or right handed?

-right

71. least favorite pattern?

-those ugly ones on leggings.

72. worst subject?

-Math or english (haha and i like to write)

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

-Grapes and teriyaki sauce. if they on the plate. ill just dip them in. I have an addiction to teriyaki sauce. 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

-I dont take any unless I have my period and my cramps are usually at a 10 so i try and take it when they at a 5

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

-when i was young 

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

-I LOVE potatos: Fries and mash are best plus baked. I HATE chips thou

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

-Any bright flower or ivy

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

-coffee, dont like sushi

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

-AHHHH my license is soooooo bad. I had strips of red in my hair (got it when i was 15-16) and i didnt know they took your pic at your permit test. Its awful. School is def better and my senior photo pops. 

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

-Jewel

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

-Fireflys (arent they the same?)

82. pc or console?

-Console 

83. writing or drawing?

-Both but im better at writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

-Podcasts but I dont listen to alot. 

84. barbie or polly pocket?

-I played more with Littlest Pet Shop and My Little Pony lol (i have 400) prob Barbie thou

85. fairy tales or mythology?

-oooooooofffff cant decide

86. cookies or cupcakes?

-oooooff i love both but cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

-wasting my life away.....or heights...certain bugs

88. your greatest wish?

-to be happy and have all my dreams (life, job, romance,etc) happen. Plus going to every Disney Park in the world.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

-Depends on the situation but sometimes you need to take care of yourself before others. If you arent doing good, how the hell you suppose to take care of others. 

90. luckiest mistake?

-hmmm idk being born

91. boxes or bags?

-depends on what im carrying but prob bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

-I love fairy lights

93. nicknames?

-any mispronunciation of my name, Dean, Big D (yes people call me this), Star, Sassafras and some more that yall dont get to know :) You can give me a nickname if ya want

94. favorite season?

-Spring and Summer

95. favorite app on your phone?

-Tumblr, Snapchat, Tsum Tsum 

96. desktop background?

- Its items from super mario and mario kart

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

- Eight

98. favorite historical era?

-oof im a history buff but I do love Greek and Roman because I love mythology...Maybe even 1800s.

hi if you got to the end of this then I love you and for proof leave me a 🐰

[whatshehassaid]

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs and wine glasses

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Quiet, sensitive, shy, creative

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles, glass ones

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

It differs, usually it’s closest boho/pastel. I just wear whatever I like.

7. earbuds or headphones?

Headphones

8. movies or tv shows?

Depends. I like both

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Freshly cut grass, peaches

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Soccer

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Depends on how I feel... sometimes just toast & coffee, sometimes fruit & coffee...

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Changes all the time, right now it’s one of my own on Spotify called Indie & More

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Fuzzy Peaches

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Um... technically I read it in high school, but not for an assignment, just because I wanted to: 1984 by George Orwell... (I was kind of protesting my own English teacher for not putting it on the list of books lmao)

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

I dunno, half laying down, I guess?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

I have a pair of thigh high faux suede go-go boots I wear a lot... either those or sandals

18. ideal weather?

Warm but not TOO warm. Warm with a nice breeze

19. sleeping position?

I sleep on my stomach a lot.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

In bed

21. obsession from childhood?

Ancient Egypt

22. role model?

I don’t... really have one?

23. strange habits?

I wouldn’t call it a strange habit, but I run my hands through/play with my hair a lot

24. favorite crystal?

Rose quartz or opal stones

25. first song you remember hearing?

Oh jeez, I dunno... first one I think of is Love Song by Sky, but that’s DEFINITELY not the first since it was made like, 7 years after I was born

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Read outside in the sun

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Read inside with hot tea (lol)

28. five songs to describe you?

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Cherry by Lana Del Rey

The Show by Lenka

Q.U.E.E.N. (feat. Erykah Badu) by Janelle Monae

Lovely (feat. Khalid) by Billie Eilish

29. best way to bond with you?

Hmmm, be honest and open, I guess?

30. places that you find sacred?

I... don’t know? My bedroom is my favorite spot....?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Hahaha, I don’t really kick ass and take names.

32. top five favorite vines?

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Uhhhhhhhhh............ I don’t know?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Those Wayfair commercials are...... quite sticky

35. average time you fall asleep?

12am-2am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

It’s either that Numa Numa video, the Can Haz Cheeseburger cat or the He-man what’s going on video

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

Why not both?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Again, why not both?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

I haven’t been in school in almost a decade so... Um... I don’t know? I can’t remember anything really

41. last person you texted?

....wouldn’t you like to know.....

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I like both

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodies and leather (faux) jackets are my fave.

44. favorite scent for soap?

I like shea butter and cocoa butter...

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Sci-fi fantasy (I do like some superhero stuff too though)

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

BIG T-SHIRTS (no pants or socks, I HATE sleeping in pants and socks)

47. favorite type of cheese?

I love cheese so... either goat cheese or mozzarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Oh, that one’s easy. Cherry.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

I don’t really live by a specific quote or saying

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

It’s a tie between scenes from Bridesmaids, Night at the Roxbury & Dumb and Dumber

51. current stresses?

Health stuff (for both me and my mum), money issues, crush issues...... lol

52. favorite font?

I’m boring. Arial

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Uh, I have nice nails right now and my hands are moisturized... I have a huge burn on my thumb though. (Weirdest questions....)

54. what did you learn from your first job?

That companies and your bosses don’t give two shits about you.

55. favorite fairy tale?

Disney version of Beauty and the Beast.... I guess?

56. favorite tradition?

Getting Chinese food on Christmas Eve

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Abuse, Crohn’s disease emergency surgery, Anxiety (still overcoming that one every day)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Video editing, drawing, graphic design, and writing (though I don’t write a lot anymore).

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Uh... ow?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

MAGICAL GIRL ANIME!!!!!!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light

62. seven characters you relate to?

Audrey Horne (Twin Peaks)

Aria Montgomery (Pretty Little Liars)

I don’t... really have many others....

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Stuff by Janelle Monae and Beyonce for sure

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Miniclip and Candystand lmao

65. any permanent scars?

Yes. Surgery scar on my abdomen

66. favorite flower(s)?

Hibiscus and sunflowers

67. good luck charms?

Nah, not really

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

One of those vomit flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

I have no idea. I can’t think of anything

70. left or right handed?

Right handed (I am, anyway)

71. least favorite pattern?

Those really old school Italian lady florals... hahaha

72. worst subject?

Math, I really was bad at math and I still am

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Is cheddar and apple a weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

Well..... I’m always taking advil ‘cause I’m always at a level 5. Thanks, chronic illness!

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I have no idea, ask my mother

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Poutine (how Canadian of me)

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Never done it, so I wouldn’t know.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

My grocery store has pretty good sushi, so sushi.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Don’t have either, so... hahahaha!

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Fireflies!

82. pc or console?

Console

83. writing or drawing?

Drawing.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket?

I’ve always been a Polly Pocket girl, but OG Polly Pocket

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies

87. your greatest fear?

Abandonment, Loss...

88. your greatest wish?

Love and contentment

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Does it sound selfish to say myself? I mean that in the best possible way ‘cause only I can take care of myself

90. luckiest mistake?

Ummmmmmm, no idea...

91. boxes or bags?

What is with these questions? It depends, I guess.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FAIRY LIGHTS AND SUNLIGHT

93. nicknames?

Sarie, Sar, my dad called me Turkey as a kid (god knows why)

94. favorite season?

Autumn

95. favorite app on your phone?

Spotify

96. desktop background?

It’s Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss”

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Not many anymore...

98. favorite historical era?

Ancient Egypt... uh... Victorian era and 1920′s... but just the aesthetic... not... the uh.. lol, reality.

[dorkyungsoowrites]

Spontaneous Attraction Ch. 21

Pairings: Kyungsoo x You

Genre: Fluff/Angst/Smut | Ambiguous AU

Warnings: None

Word Count: 5.6k

Description: Kyungsoo surprises you.

A/N: The song I was thinking of when writing near the end of this chapter was this one if you're interested. It's a really beautiful piece, but you can imagine your own favorite if you wish.

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A concert hall when there's no concerts planned is rather surreal. The large theater-like auditorium was eerily quiet, and you only turned on a few of the backstage lights so you could see. It cast long shadows through the narrow hallways, each of your footsteps echoing. You went into a green room of sorts where there was an old sofa and a storage of chairs. The tall stacks took up half the room. Not normally one to get mad or jealous left you feeling overwhelmed. You didn't have much experience dealing with it so it continued to make you itchy and restless. You paced. How can one human live with being so vile? Her only good qualities seemed to be how cute she looked and her cooking. She was a liar, and unfaithful, and manipulative, and shallow, and so plastic Barbie would gawk. Her whole attitude soured your afternoon. Just thinking about her nasally, fake sing-song voice grated your nerves. You don't think you've ever hated someone as much as you did her. She encompassed every quality you despised in a person. It was almost impressive.

The anger still tangled. Driving had helped, but thinking about it brought it all back again with a new force. You jerked down one of the stacks in the room, a dozen or so metal and plastic chairs clattering to the ground in a cacophony of screeches and bangs that hurt your ears. You can't recall ever raising your hand to anyone like that before. How could Kyungsoo ever like a monster like that? How could he have been so blind to how horrible she was? How could he not feel the urge to puke every time she crossed his mind? How could he not do anything about it but say she wasn't worth his time? Were you any better for stooping down to her level by calling her names and almost slapping her? Your lungs constricted, heart galloping to gain speed. You collapsed on to the sofa, the springs protesting, and let your tears fall hot on your face.

How could he let her touch him like that? Speak like that? Who even says shit like that like you're not even there? You allowed yourself to think about why that hurt so much. The way he looked at her was familiar to how he looked at you sometimes. Your fists curled in on themselves. At some point he had fucked her. He fucked that villain of a woman. Those same sweet, plump lips had wandered her skin. She had heard his little breathless moans and sweet whispers. She had felt his dick inside her. Before you. He had touched her in ways you didn't know; free of apprehension and caution. Not chained by his trust issues or worries. Lingering, sweeping caresses filled with undeniable affection. Ways you could only dream about. She still had her claws in him. Your chest got tighter, unable to keep your breathing even. You were having trouble keeping your thoughts rational. Didn't you matter enough to him? Weren't you enough? Your heart was compressed painfully. You couldn't stop from wondering if he had ever thought about her with you. Was he watching for warning signs that you were similar? Did he actively avoid holding you in the same way he had with her? Would you never know what it was like to be truly, deeply loved by Kyungsoo? It made you sick to think you might share any qualities with that snake. Your stomach churned, and a pit swallowed your insides. Your gut was hollow. Like someone had reached in and licked them clean. Tears rolled down your cheeks. This was fifty times worse then when Chanyeol had sex with you drunk in high school. You felt violated somehow. You were empty. Alone. An uneasiness cocooned you in your own isolated corner of the universe sat there on that old sofa in a dark concert theater.

An electronic ringing startled you. It was your phone. Correction: it was Kyungsoo trying to call your phone. You tapped the red button. You needed time to cool down. The conclusion smacked in to you like a train. This is how Chanyeol felt watching Kyungsoo be with you. Knowing you were touching Kyungsoo like you used to hold him. This is how Kyungsoo felt when Chanyeol or the others got too close. Afraid another person would know what it was like to be loved by you and siphon it away from him. To a lesser degree you imagined, but the jealousy seeped through your veins and corroded your heart like acid. Just when he was putting more faith in you you go and act like some over-reactive lunatic. You were disappointed in yourself for lashing out immaturely. You should be better than this, but when he licked his lips as she leaned closer your brain flooded with the fear that he would kiss her. Your unwavering trust in him suddenly grew a grain of doubt. If you hadn't jumped in would he have kissed her? The majority of you wanted to believe he had enough sense not to hurt you the same way he had been hurt. He wasn't a hypocrite, but there was always that nagging voice in the back of your mind. It pointed out that for the first three months you were together he had no problem lying to you about his job. It was different, but also not. The way he got trapped in a trance with her around...you couldn't say he would never hurt you with complete certainty anymore. That fact is what you resented the most out of this situation.

After a couple of hours you drove back to your apartment. You had calmed down and cleaned up the chairs then strolled around the empty building trying to clear your head. Kyungsoo had called five more times before giving up. You weren't sure what you would say to him, but you knew you were drained and wanted to sleep. It was a long fucking day.

Only when you got to your front door Kyungsoo was sitting on the floor slumped against it. He was blocking the way. When you ran off your roommate should have been there. She was gone when you returned, but that would mean he specifically denied waiting inside so you couldn't avoid him. He had been sitting there for hours. A pang of guilt hit you. When you stepped closer he looked up and sighed in relief. He pushed himself to his feet. You noticed how red and puffy his eyes were, dark circles sitting underneath from where he hadn't caught up on his sleep.

"You should be resting," you couldn't help but say. "You look exhausted. Health comes first, Soo." He side-stepped to allow you to unlock the door and followed you inside. Once he re-locked the door he realized you were already halfway across the room. He hurridly threw off his shoes and ran after you, catching your shoulder before you could leave the living area. He didn't try to turn you around, voice small and afraid.

"Please don't leave." When you didn't move he continued. "You have every right to be upset with me. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't move. Please believe me." His voice cracked on the last words and you swallowed the sudden lump in your throat. His second hand rested on your other shoulder and stepped closer. You felt the heat radiating off his body. Kyungsoo dropped his forehead next to his left hand. His tone lowered to a whisper to hide his straining voice. "She means nothing to me. I can't lose you. I'm so sorry. I never...I swear--"

"It's not like I'm in the clear either," you replied solemnly. "I shouldn't have blown up like that. When she touched you and talked to you like that...I just got so jealous."

"No, no," Kyungsoo consoled instantly. His hands massaged slowly over your shoulders down your arms while he spoke. "I've never seen anyone stand up to her like that before. I couldn't believe it. It was amazing."

"Amazing?" you repeated gently. "I almost hit someone, Soo. I've never been that angry before. I hated it." He placed a lazy kiss to the side of your throat. Flashes of him kissing her came behind your eyelids. The same lips her fingers had grazed hours before. The same pair he parted for those fingers. You resisted recoiling from the touch. It didn't work. You didn't dare look back in fear of his reaction.

"You were defending me. Protecting me. I was in awe, jagiya." His fingers slipped to your waist. "That's all you've ever done, isn't it? You've given so much of yourself and your time to take care of me. You're far more generous than I deserve. I don't know what I'd be like if I never met you. I don't think I'd like that Kyungsoo. You've done so much for me. I owe you everything." His shoulders shook once, choking back a sob. Remorse covered his next words. It steadied the frantic swirling of emotions that had built up in your chest so you could sort them out. It meant you could help, and that's something you enjoyed. Helping others be happy. "I'm a terrible boyfriend. I should be stronger for you. I shouldn't have to rely on you for everything."

"You know, I kinda like taking care of you," you reminded him gently. "I really haven't done all that much. You're the one who's stayed strong. I like it when you can rely on me for a few things." His lips returned to your neck, mouthing against the sensitive skin. You tensed, but didn't flinch away that time.

"Stop. You're comforting me again and that's not the point."

"What do you want me to say? I don't understand why you're upset with yourself."

"Because it's you," he answered. It was like he was pleading with you. He needed you to understand. Acting like he was more worried of your reaction than the actual issue. Didn't he know you weren't going to yell or send him away? You blamed the snake for this. She had severely messed with his head. Kyungsoo should realize you were more empathetic and less petty than that. "It's you and you're wonderful and I just sat there. I can't even listen to myself. How am I supposed to expect you to not get too close with the other members if I can't even tell one woman to stop? I might as well have fucked her on the table." Something wet splattered on your skin. It trickled down and soaked in to the collar of your shirt. "I've tried for so long, but I'm never going to deserve you. Oh god, and now you're going to leave because I was an idiot." You whirled around to face him at that. Your arms embraced him. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, hands on your back.

"That was the stupidest thing I've heard you say. I'm not leaving, Kyungsoo," you told him in a low soothing voice. "Don't you ever think that." You weaved a hand through his short hair. His heat and firmness combined as he leaned against you and you felt his small puffs of air at your ear, sending goosebumps all over your skin. He touched every surface of your body he could in the position. You shoved down the image of him holding the other woman like this. He was trembling.

"I'm sorry," he repeated guiltily. "I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you."

"Calm down, sweetheart," you cooed lovingly. More wetness hit your skin. You started lowering, legs tired and unwilling to move. He followed you to the ground, sitting on your haunches. Kyungsoo let himself collapse into you, limp in your arms. A sob cracked his voice, sniffling. You carded your fingers through his hair, other hand running up and down his back. "I'm right here, Kyungsoo. I'm not letting go."

"Why not?" he rasped defeatedly.

"Because I love you," you replied without thinking. Any other time he would have grinned and said it back. That time he only cried harder, air escaping him unevenly and being gasped back in in tiny hiccups.

"You should be furious. Why aren't you mad?"

"I am upset, but I can't change that right now. I know I need a few days to calm down. You do, too. You're exhausted."

"Not for you," he argued stubbornly. "Let me make it up to you. Let me take care of you."

"Kyungsoo--" your voice snagged in your throat as his lips met your neck. They pressed softly to your flesh, peppering affections up the line of your jaw. When they reached the joint by your ear they became more urgent, trailing back down.

"Let me make you feel good," he whispered hotly, the words spilling from him in a rush to speak in between kisses. "Let me make you cum in the way only I can." You bit your tongue to prevent any noise from escaping. The tip of his tongue darted out to taste your skin. You knew he must have caught his tears in the process. You jerked away and immediately regretted it. Your eyes met his. They were bloodshot and dewy. The dark circles underneath puffed out with his cheeks that were blotchy and red. A single new streak stained his face from the center of his right eye where a salty droplet had collected on his lower lashes, and something inside of his dark brown irises fractured. He was pouting. Bottom lip jutting out past the upper, and your chest ached. You spoke slowly, absorbed in his eyes. Torn between comforting Kyungsoo and protecting yourself.

"Don't...look at me like that." He sucked in his plump lower lip to nibble at in an attempt to hide the emotions oozing through in physical form. You thumbed at his cheek to wipe away the wetness there. His gaze danced around your features before drifting to your own lips longingly and darting up again like he was afraid of getting caught.

"Like what?" His speech was just as drawled out.

"Like I'm breaking your heart."

"Then let me feel you." It wasn't right. Both of your mindsets were all wrong. Without replying you rose to your feet. He remained stunned on the floor. You walked to the kitchen and poured a few sips of whiskey in a glass then returned to him. When you kneeled he swiped at his eyes and choked back a sob. It didn't work well. His small gasp was sharp and loud in the quietness of the apartment. You took up his hand and urged his fingers to grasp the cup. He threw the liquor back, glass thudding on the hardwood afterward. Another sharp, choking gasp. More tears fell. He was panicking, his whole body quaking as it became more difficult for him to breathe. He hunched over, legs falling out beside him, forearms on the floor, hiding his face in the space between. Calmly, you brought a big, fluffy blanket back to where he lay huddled in on himself. Panic attacks you knew how to handle. His wasn't full blown yet, but you saw the harsh breathing and scared look on his face. Everything had become too much for him to conceal behind his stoic features. It didn't surprise you that with his stressful job something like this could happen. He was mentally and physically drained from touring and running into his abusive ex that afternoon. He had pushed himself too hard. Put too many expectations on himself. On you. You weren't perfect, and you weren't going to instantly forgive every transgression of his towards you, but you weren't going to close him out either. You didn't always know what to do and say despite what he thought.

Draping the blanket over his small frame did nothing. He needed something to ground him to reality. You hugged his middle awkwardly from the side, resting your head on his back. The touch made him flinch at first, but when he realized your intention he curled up tighter. His shaking hands pulled the blanket around his face, his sharp gasps elongating, attempting to control his breathing.

"It's okay," you said quietly. "Just breathe. I'm here, Kyungsoo. Listen to me. Nothing bad is going to happen. Don't force yourself. It's okay to cry. I won't leave you. You're not alone through this. Just breathe." You huffed as his arms came around you suddenly, pulling you to your side. He hugged your waist, face hidden under your chin, fingers digging into your back, grappling to you like a life buoy. You embraced him while he sobbed and shook in your arms.

This was the only way he'd ever hold you.

Desperation.

Desperate to feel your contact, desperate to claim you, desperate to keep you. Was that what you had become? Not just a support, but the cure-all to his hurts? The bandage? The balm? You promised to help him trust again and be by his side. But...somewhere along the way did you cease to exist without his name following you? Y/N and Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo and Y/N. Kyungsoo brought his girlfriend today. Kyungsoo's girlfriend invited us all over for dinner. Kyungsoo gets anxious when you touch his girl. They're attached at the hip. Kyungsoo's moving in with her soon.

You had been steadily stripped down. You were his. Not just in heart; in name and soul. In your quest to make his heart more accepting you had isolated yourself. You had let his unhealthy habits creep up on you and take over. You were too soft. Gave in to his indulgences too readily. Kyungsoo made you weak. You couldn't resist him at all.

After near an hour passed Kyungsoo evened out his breathing, but didn't let up his hold. He let you raise his head to look at you. You wiped his face and nose with the blanket.

"There. Now will you come sleep?" He nodded silently. Kyungsoo leaned forward to kiss you, but you turned away. He frowned and croaked out,

"Why won't you let me touch you?" You blushed, ashamed by the answer, and tried to move. He pulled you down and held you still. "Why?" You shoved on his chest. It was hard to think with his big, round, sad eyes that close. You leaned on your elbow, staring at the floor.

"Because," you muttered bitterly. "What's the point?"

"What's the point?" he scoffed in disbelief. "Comfort? Relief? Pleasure? Love?"

"What love?" The words slipped before you could stop them. His eyes widened. You both sat up. More word vomit left your mouth without thinking. "You just fuck me because you're possessive. I'm sure little miss perfect chef got all your real love. You've never just touched me."

"What do you mean?" You sighed.

"It won't ever be enough, will it?"

"I don't understand, jagi. Of course I love you."

"I know you do, but how else do I know except from your word alone? What parts of you did she get that I'm not? How much more did you touch her and mean it? It feels like she got the real Kyungsoo and I'm only getting the pieces she left behind. She was so fucking amused I was picking up her leftovers. That sounds so selfish and stupid out loud, but how else am I supposed to think when the only times you fuck me are when you need me for something? Comfort or someone to claim as yours. Why can't I be enough for you as I am? Why do I have to wait for you to be hurting?" Your voice cracked on the last sentence. "I don't understand why you can't just love me with your whole heart. It hurts, Kyungsoo. It hurts knowing the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't trust you and return that feeling."

"You think I don't?" he exhaled pitifully. His eyebrows came together and rose up. Lost and pained. "Y/N. Jagiya..." He wiped his eyes clear of any lingering tears. "Is that why you were so upset?"

"Partially."

"I never--" He paused and started over, trying to find the right words. You continued staring at the floor. "We were only together once, and I didn't enjoy it. Not like I love being with you. You showed me how amazing it could feel to be with someone because you care about them. I was an awkward mess around her. It wasn't me. It's so easy for me to be myself with you." Your gaze lifted.

"Really?"

"Really really." The corner of your mouth ticked upward. Kyungsoo stroked your cheek, fingers tangling in your hair. "She didn't even care to get to know me, but you know me better than anyone. I promise I love you wholeheartedly. I do trust you. You have me; all of me. Not pieces or leftovers. She didn't know what the fuck she was talking about."

"Why don't you act like it?"

"Because I'm an idiot," he chuckled. You scoffed, but an amused smirk pulled on your lips. You really were weak around him. "Are you still mad?"

"A little." He frowned.

"Why?"

"I don't believe you."

"I don't understand."

"It doesn't feel like I know you. I'm constantly guessing. I've never been able to understand you."

"Oh...really?" He blinked at you innocently. "I've always thought it was amazing how intuitive you are." You huffed out a weak laugh.

"Then you must not know me either." Kyungsoo made a pensive expression then stood. You watched, unsure, as he bent down and held out his hands. After hesitating a moment you took them and he pulled you to your feet. You followed silently as he walked through your apartment to the living room. He tossed the blanket you gave him over the sofa. You tilted your head in questioning. He pushed the coffee table aside then took out his phone. He set it on the sofa and faced you, bowing at the waist as the music started. A waltz. The strings established the rhythm, plucking lightly. They were joined by a clarinet then a saxophone who began the melody. Kyungsoo outstretched a hand with a hopeful half smile.

"Dance with me?" You stood shocked. He closed the distance and wrapped his fingers around yours with one hand. They still trembled slightly. He guided the other to his shoulder before resting his on your waist. You gaped.

"Y-you dance? Like, ballroom?"

"I learned," he answered. Before you could say anything the rest of the orchestra came through the speaker on his phone, all joining the melody, and he pulled you in to step with him. It was more of a small shuffle in the tiny space, but it was dancing. You kept up after shaking off the shock, avoiding his feet. "I saw you dancing in the kitchen a few times when you thought I was in the bathroom," he explained. "So I asked your roommate and she said you liked old fairytale tropes more than you'd admit. Told me you always secretly dreamed of dancing spontaneously with your significant other. I've been listening to classical music and decided to watch a few videos on waltzing. I was going to surprise you when we moved in to our new apartment." It was hard to take in. Not only had Kyungsoo been studying the music you loved to play, but he learned to dance to some of that music. It was extremely touching. No one had ever tried to get in to classical music for your sake. They brushed it off as boring or didn't want to take the time. Playing music in an orchestral setting was the thing you loved doing more than anything else in the world, and he took the time to understand that. To immerse himself in it. He listened and took it to heart. He knew you better than you'd thought.

"Kyungsoo..." you breathed. He blushed under your stare, losing some of his nerve.

"Am I not turning enough? Did I pick a bad song?"

"I had no idea you were listening to this music for me."

"Of course. You listen to mine."

"But dancing too?" He chortled and shook his head in mock disappointment.

"Unbelievable. Your eyes are all sparkly like stars. How did I fall for such a dork?" The key changed in the song, more violins joining. You held his hand tighter. He smiled warmly, face inches from yours. And he had insisted in the past he wasn't one for grand romantic gestures. Liar. A smirk pulled on your lips.

"I seem to recall it was because you got shitfaced drunk and had to be taken care of like a lost puppy."

"Low blow."

"A cute, small puppy." He scowled, a playful glint in the twitch of his lips.

"You're gonna take that back." The strings did a flourish as the music crescendoed and changed back to the original key. Kyungsoo stepped quickly and spun you out from his body, still keeping hold of one hand. You were standing beside him. Then on the next count he tugged you to reverse the spin. You collided ungracefully with his chest. Kyungsoo held you close as you continued waltzing in your living room. He was grinning. You wavered a moment at the blinding quality. His eyes weren't bloodshot anymore. He was genuinely happy. You felt your heart skip. "Still think I'm cute?" You couldn't answer. The words wouldn't form. You were struck speechless. Kyungsoo slid his hand to the small of your back and mumbled, "such a dork." It was almost as if your fight hadn't occurred. Almost.

The dance went on. One two turn, one two turn, one two turn. Right back left, right back left, right back left, all in a circle. It wasn't your rug anymore. You were twirling on a cloud. And he was the gentleman to sweep you off your feet. It was something you'd only dreamed about. There was a magical quality to being able to dance with someone else. Normally you spun around a ghost in the kitchen while cooking or cleaning. An invisible partner was nothing compared to this. Your daydreams weren't perfect, but this was. Your feet naturally followed beside his. His palm in yours grew clammy. The second your other hand slipped from his shoulder to his chest you could feel his heartbeat. It fluttered under your fingertips. This was real. His love for you was real. You felt like such an ass for doubting him.

"You've done a lot for me too you know," you pointed out meekly. He looked at you pointedly, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

"Well first, you did all this for me."

"You like the dancing?"

"I like that you tried to take interest in my passions. Let's not even count the number of times you've helped me get better at cooking or just did it for me. You also support my work. I can't even begin to find the words to show my appreciation for that encouragement. I can tell you've changed since I met you. Maybe that's just you opening up more, but I think you worked really hard to forget about the bad habits your ex instilled in you. Seeing her today couldn't have been easy. Especially with me there making a mess of things." The tempo slowed. Kyungsoo focused on you with a ferocity only he could accomplish while simultaneously looking relaxed. It was always an experience being under his scrutiny. It astounded you how completely he could narrow in on one goal and stay on it. It showed in his work every day. He made you feel like you were the only existing thing. Like your little universe was only populated by you two. That only you mattered. It was thrilling and terrifying, and filled your chest with warmth. It was safe locked in his gaze. Comforting.

"You don't need to apologize. I wouldn't have been able to get through that if you weren't there for me."

"Shut up a minute I'm trying to be corny." He chuckled at your outburst. "You're warm and kind, and thoughtful. Smart and talented. Maybe a little too practical sometimes, and you're grumpy when you're bored."

"I thought you were going to compliment me."

"But I love you," you finished. "I'll always love you. I can't imagine a future without you there. I'm sorry for getting jealous and doubting your feelings. It was stupid. I'm happiest with you. You're safe."

"That sounds awfully close to boring."

"Not at all. I just mean you make me feel at home." You sighed and jokingly added, "It's like lately we've switched places. I'm being insecure and you're taking chances." The tempo was gradually increasing again as the strings kept the counter-melody lighter with short notes.

"So my dancing is charming enough to get you to forgive me?"

"Yeah. Sure. I'll still need a few days to cool down though." The lower brass entered bombastically, and Kyungsoo did one sharper turn to catch you off guard, making you gasp. He grinned and laughed at your reaction.

"Is this the first time you've danced with anyone?"

"Of course. It's not exactly commonplace."

"Well remind me to do it more often," he declared. "Your face is priceless." Your cheeks flamed up. The entire orchestra came back in in a different key, loud and magnificent. It swept you up with a feeling of nostalgia and romance. You wished you could remain in his arms all night like this. The song was coming to a close. A solo violin took over the last few bars. "Do you still want to move in with me?"

"Absolutely," you answered without hesitating. Kyungsoo slowed your steps gradually until you were standing still, eyes fixed on you. He looked enchanted. Your mind jumped back to the restaurant one last time. The way he was trapped under her in a trance...wasn't the same. He had been rigid and almost frightened. Here with you it was different. Almost like he wanted to be drowned by you. He welcomed your call to come closer. He yearned for the emotions to swallow him up. You couldn't quite place your finger on it, but it was more transparent than before. He leaned closer, letting your hand go so he could cup your face. There were no masks or illusions or fancy words. Kyungsoo was open; drawing you in through his heady gaze.

The violin cried through a long fermata. Then he kissed you. Just a whispered touch. The first in an ever deepening pool that would threaten to consume you. He kept coming back for more, plush lips pressing languid, lingering touches to yours. His breath fanned across your face. His tongue teased your lower lip, and you opened to him. The hand on your back urged you forward, molding his body to yours while his other threaded fingers in your hair. You ran your palms over the plane of his chest, feeling the muscles tense and jump at the simplest brush of skin. Your fingers linked around the back of his neck. Little sighs and breathless moans like fading sunlight poured into your mouth. His desperation melded with yours and grew with every gentle caress. He splayed his hands on your back, cradling you as if he had been practicing exactly how to in his head all night. He pressed more firmly against you. His lips brushed against yours more incessantly. If there was a time you could pinpoint where you forgot about everything and gave in, that was it.

The desire to direct how the night would end dissipated. You didn't care. Kyungsoo could have kissed that monster of a woman in the restaurant and you'd still love him. He was it. You knew it deep down in your bones. You may not believe in soulmates, and it's true no one is perfect, but Kyungsoo was perfect for you. There was no one else you'd rather spend your time with. You'd be his forever if he asked.

Kyungsoo stepped forward. You stumbled backward with him. He continued with this until the backs of your knees hit your bed. He gingerly lowered you to the mattress, refusing to disconnect your mouths. Body pressed tightly to yours, you ran out of air. You gasped for breath. His lips traveled to your ear.

"I love you," he mumbled sweetly. You shivered visibly. "Completely and always." He rolled so you were laying on his chest. Your legs intertwined with his, arms wrapping around you securely.

"I love you, too Kyungsoo. Always." He sighed contentedly and you rested your head on his shoulder. One of his hands slid up the card through your hair. Then a low vibration hit your ears. His chest rumbled. He was humming. The notes drifted around the small bedroom like a lullaby. The waltz. It was relaxing and his voice soothed all the heartache. Smooth and rich. Like a colorful ribbon dancing around and gently touching each note. You loved his voice. Always overflowing with emotion. It never failed to lighten your mood when the world around weighed on you. Naturally, you joined. The harmonization was one you never tried before. You weren't trained like he was. But you had the ear for music, and it was hard to mess up humming. Kyungsoo smiled kindly, surprised by hearing your voice. He kept playing with your hair, sending shivers down your spine. Before you realized it you were drifting off to sleep.

[mywinestainedheart]

Depression, Anxiety and … Cigarettes?

I’m not a smoker.

I know this because I take three drags then let it burn to the butt between my fingers. Sometimes it dies before I even take those three drags because I’m not pulling hard enough. Other times I put it out myself and get back to that same stick a week later.

I hate the taste. I usually eat something or wash my mouth out with toothpaste to get rid of it. I hate the smell. I wash my hands three times, toss my jerseys into the washing machine and hang my head over the bathtub for a conditioner-rinse to douse all traces of the scent.

I’m not a smoker.

What I am is a heartbroken, social media stalking, recently-diagnosed-with-depression twenty-eight year old woman trying to quell the anxiety she’s, apparently, been living with since her teenage years. Childhood bullying and molestation sob-stories aside, I always knew there was something functionally wrong with me.

Online descriptions of depression will detail a broad list of symptoms that essentially claim everyone in the world to be depressed. Sleep disorderliness, apathy, agitation, lack of concentration, poor appetite etc., etc. By that standard, my whole first year class at uni was depressed, so I never thought much of it. Besides, this would happen in bouts. It was never consistent. I’d experience an odd wave of anxiety that would come out of nowhere, but hang out with my smoker friends and feel fine for the next five to ten minutes. The next day, that anxiety might even be gone. I would have breakdowns and cry about feeling ugly, vapid and worthless, then eventually sober to no sense of feelings at all. I tend to overthink and get angry very easily. Someone cutting me off in traffic can have me ruminating over it for the rest of the day. I prefer to keep to myself, yet I’m constantly seeking distractions. In childhood it was imaginary worlds through Barbie dolls, in adulthood it was sex. Happiness would come and go, but pessimistic thoughts about myself, my life and my chances of finding love in a partner the way it seemed so easy for all my prettier friends were an ever-present influence on my psyche.

People will tell you “just snap out of it”, “think positive”, “thoughts become things” and, my personal favourite, “choose to be happy”. Well, gee! I never thought of that, clueless Life Orientation teacher who has probably never stepped out of her comfort zone within the northern suburbs of Johannesburg. Imma just wake up tomorrow and tell myself to be in a better mood.

I had learned to exist in this way: Feeling empty and, fittingly, not having a name for it. Feeling sad and not having a reason for it. Overthinking and comparing myself to every girl who walked into the room because I believed that everyone else could see how much lesser than I was compared to her too. I would come up after brushing my teeth to stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and wonder what it would be like to just not exist anymore.

We used to live in an upmarket housing complex in Johannesburg. People who lived in this area are usually well off. They aren’t thought to have problems, and yet, we had a neighbour whose husband shot himself in the complex park. Years later, I heard of a former high school classmate of mine who shot himself in the middle of the street in the same area.

It got me thinking: People who are only occasionally sad, like me, don’t frequently envy people who had the gall to commit suicide, do they?

The first time I went to a psychiatrist was because I broke down in front of my mother the night before. My heart was bleeding from a breakup I hated that I was going through. This man insisted that I “didn’t deserve him”, but the twenty-four-year-old yuppie he used to go to school with, for some reason, did. He picked her over me and he’s happy with his choice. Put that on top of an entire existence of feeling lesser than, and I realised I was a ticking timebomb.

I was toying with the idea of suicide and noticed that the only thing holding me back was a fear of the unknown.

These thoughts are not new, by the way. I’d been having them since childhood. The one I entertained the most was standing behind the kitchen door with a knife to my chest, so that when someone swung the door open, the blade would push through my ribcage. Obviously, this would not be as simple in execution, but I was nine and it was a fantasy. Give me a break.

Upon hearing that I was thinking of killing myself, my mother chortled and told me “you’re behaving like a teenager”. That response would be the number one reason I have never spoken about my deeper feelings with my mom before this. It wasn’t that she didn’t know how to love, it was that she didn’t understand that someone like me required a different type of love. A child might not say so because they themselves don’t know what it is, but there will always be subtle signs of a mood disorder. In hindsight, I’d displayed a number of them, but I was dismissed as being anti-social, sullen or attention-seeking.

“I’m just so tired,” I remember saying, choking on my own tears.

“Of what?” My mother demanded. She couldn’t understand what I could possibly be talking about. You’re only twenty-eight, you have a roof over your head and both parents that love you. You have a job. We’ve given you a car. You have freedom. You have friends. What on earth could have you crying like the world was coming to an end?

“Everything,” I said. Because that was the truth. I was tired of everything. I was tired of waking up every morning and remembering that the man I loved had chosen someone else over me. I was tired of driving for an hour every day to get into town, passing everything that reminded me of him and the breakup (including him and his new girlfriend in the middle of traffic). I was tired of going to a job that was adding nothing to my career, tired of budgeting a pathetic salary. Tired of waiting on my father and his promises that he was setting me up on a different career path, tired of eating the same food everyday (if I even remembered to eat). Tired of smoking cigarettes with my cousins cause I felt like if I was failing this badly at life then I may as well smoke up and hope for cancer, and I was absolutely exhausted with the idea that I had lost my twenty-four-year-old niece; a bodacious lover of life who’d existed on a seemingly never-ending vibration of confidence and positivity, to a senseless car accident, but here I was, still breathing.

Someone who deserved life was cemented in the ground. I woke up every morning wishing we could trade places.

The psychiatrist let me talk for a few minutes before diagnosing me as depressed and suicidal. Considering multiple factors and incidences I’d described in session, she said the depression has been there my whole life and that my break up was the lit cigarette that rolled too close to the leaky-gas pipe in my identity, causing this implosion.

Note, I’m not blaming my ex for my mental instability. How could he have known if I didn’t know? I’d had my suspicions, but, like my mother; telling him would have likely amounted to him (initially) dismissing me as being dramatic. What he saw as a “crazy” display of raw insecurity was probably the starter flames of this inferno. Again, not his fault, but he was certainly a contributor, and I find myself struggling not to resent him for that. But that’s a blog post for another time.

The psychiatrist prescribes me anti-depressants, some other drug that causes drowsiness, and orders to me to eight months of therapy with a nice woman she recommends in the area I live now. All I’m hearing is money, money and more money. I can’t afford any of this on what I make, and my dad is a businessman whose entire income is dependent on deals. Sometimes we have more money than we know what to do with, other times we’re so broke that there’s a negotiation between toilet paper and breakfast cereal. At twenty-eight, I’m officially jaded with the financial instability I grew up in, so I dismiss the idea of therapy entirely. Why start something only to stop because we can’t afford it anymore? Besides, I’d apparently been living with this raging beast my whole life. Surely, we could find a way to co-exist once again? Like Venom and Eddie Brock.

I say thanks but no thanks to the medication and go home with a mother who suddenly has a whole new understanding of me. She’s attentive when she talks now, and says ‘I love you’ before she hangs up the phone. Confessing my diagnosis to my father shouldn’t have felt embarrassing, but it did. I hated that he might now see me as weak. I was the one child he didn’t have to worry about. I had a sassy attitude and a smart mouth. I was assertive in my speech and tolerated no bullshit. I could hold my own against anyone, and I knew he was proud of me for that. How would he perceive me after I admitted that I’m not as strong as I pretend to be?

The truth? No different. I was still his daughter. The only change I noticed is that he looks at me when he talks to me (more attentive, like my mother) and makes a point of using my family nickname when he says good morning, hello or goodbye. He’s also trying harder to make sure his planned career path for me falls into place, but I’m no longer holding my breath.

As for me and my revelation of my diagnosis? Like I said, I always knew that there was something functionally wrong with me. I just have a name for it now. I’m still battling with the ideas of death and how I would do it. The running fantasy now is one I usually entertain before bed about slitting my wrists and sliding into a bathtub. Morbid, I know, but it’s the only way I can seem to find sleep these days: Thinking of no longer existing helps me transition into a state where I no longer exist for a little while. I’m not about to slit my wrists any time soon (besides, my pain threshold has a limit. If I were going to kill myself I wouldn’t pick a method quite so agonising and messy), but I recognise that these are not healthy thought processes. I do think I need therapy. After all, you have to learn how to love yourself before anyone else can love you and all that, right? I want to overcome this. I want to see progression in my life and my career. I don’t want my ex to believe he dodged a stagnant bullet the next time he bumps into me—or give him the satisfaction of knowing he was the catalyst of my failure.

I want to be happy.

So as I take my third drag of my last cigarette of 2019, I pray to a Deity I have a shaky belief in and tell myself that this is my rock bottom. It can’t possibly get any worse from here.

Or can it?

I suppose only my next move, and time, will tell.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #181

"wine is fine, but whiskey’s quicker. suicide is slow with liquor.”

What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? I mean I'm not a virgin? Have you ever said “I love you” to someone and didn’t mean it? I don't believe so. Do your parents usually agree with your partners-of-choice? Yeah. I really don't know how Dad feels about me being with a girl currently, but he likes her personally. How many people do you like right now? (even the slightest bit) Legitimately, just one. My "I don't actually know this celeb but I'd 10/10 marry them" thing is just a joke. Do you believe little kids can fall in love? My guess is not until you reach a certain level of maturity where you can grasp the seriousness of "falling in love." But who really knows. What was the last dream that you can remember? On the morning I'm answering this one, I swear I had like ten or something last night. As time goes on though, they're starting to blur together. The one that stands out most tho is my sis and I became the first Americans (yes, that was a detail) to fully infiltrate a Russian, secret government base without being killed. Look idk either. Have you ever been rickrolled? Maybe? Do you like balogna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Are you supersticious? No. What animals have you ridden? Horses and ponies off the top of my head. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done to someone you don’t know in public? I don't think I've done anything notable for this. Do you ever stick gum under seats? No, and my opinion of you greatly plummets if you do. Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? I don't think those exist anymore. Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? When Dustin pretty much lived in the apartment with us... jc. Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? Talk to animals. Does your kitchen have a pantry? No. Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? N/A Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? I don't shave them anymore unless I fear there's even a tiny chance someone might see them... Thanks, society. Are you high-maintenance? Definitely not. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? Being any kind of parent is off the list for me. What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Idk, I'm a crybaby. Most sad songs don't, I guess. Are you a very detail-oriented person? Or are you better at seeing the big picture? Definitely the former. Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? lol What kinds of leisure activities did your family do together when you were growing up? Watch TV or sometimes play board games, probs. Occasionally all go in the pool together. Dragons or unicorns? I'm all 'bout dragons, man. Do you wish vampires existed? Um no. Do you sing in front of people you don’t know very well? How about dance? Nope. Have you ever sang/spoke/preformed in front of people on a stage? Sang in church choir and elementary chorus, read my D.A.R.E. report, and was in groups at dance recitals and competitions. Is it more fun or scary to do so? If you haven’t, then what would you think? Eh, it depends on your level of confidence in what you're performing. Like with dance, I was never that nervous as I knew what I was doing. Singing wasn't bad either because I was with others. Now reading aloud, alone, fuck that. I think anything alone would be scary. Would you rather slit your wrists than read Cosmo? I normally delete just plain stupid questions, but I'm leaving this here to hope and pray the author of this question sees me sincerely  and genuinely say fuck you, you goddamn fly-swarmed shitpile with a maturity level surpassed by an infant's. Did you ever like barbies? Do you currently like barbies? They weren't really my thing, but I'd play with them if my sisters or friends wanted me to. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what the hit songs are right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Out of the traditional four, fire. Have you ever been to a wild party? No. Have you gone through any drastic life-changing experiences? If so, what was the most drastic? Depression and anxiety manifesting was absolutely life-changing, and then when you consider it resulted in PTSD, obviously the break-up was incredibly serious, but it also led towards my gradual recovery. What traits from your father would you like to pass down to your children? Don't want kids, but I'll answer as if I did. If that were the case, I like how he's not one for grudges, is very openly himself, and is super goofy. What is your biggest fault? It probably all boils down to my anxiety and trust issues resulting in me jumping to conclusions. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Probably a snow leopard. Climate I love, super pretty, and I know I'd wanna be a feline anyway. What are the first three things you do when you wake up? Check the time, go to the bathroom, then it varies. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? Ha, sure do, both through text and Skype... I'm sure she remembers the basics at least, too. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yeah. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? Maybe? Does your significant other/crush know about your Tumblr? Does he/she look at it? Yeah, and we follow each other, so. Do you ever feel a desire for sex at inappropriate times? Define "inappropriate?" What was the last thing that one of your parents bought for you? Fast food. Think about your first boyfriend/girlfriend. Did that person make you happy? What went wrong in the relationship? Sure, but just as friends. If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want more colorful hair. Is there a TV show or movie in which you’re incredibly emotionally attached to the characters? I don't think so "incredibly" since Meerkat Manor. Would you rather arrive super early or super late to class? Early. What’s something really basic that worries or troubles you on a consistent basis? It's a wonder I'm blanking here considering I know there's a load of things. What do you use the internet for the most? YouTube. On a scale of one to ten, how good is your memory? A goddamn one. It's been exceptionally awful lately. Do you worry about money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH. Do you have any health problems that are unusual for your age? Well, the memory thing, though it's probably just a side effect of my meds or actual ADD. My knees are atrocious, though, and after many, many tests, we still can't figure out what's wrong with them. What’s the longest nap you’ve ever taken? When does it no longer qualify as a nap?  Maybe like... four hours at max? Are you more likely to expect the best or the worst of a situation? The worst. Always. Have you ever said or done something in public that resulted in a stranger’s response? Possibly. How many serious relationships have you been in? Two. Do you think you have a vivid imagination? Very, personally. What was the last song you listened to? "Sick Like Me" by In This Moment. How many hours a day do you spend on Facebook, if any? Not even one. Do you own your favorite film on DVD? Maybe? Idk if we replaced the VHS. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? On one occasion I basically screeched my lungs out on the porch. What’s your opinion on Nicki Minaj? I guess as a rapper she's good, she's indisputably quick as fuck, but I'm not a fan personally. Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? Oh fuck yes. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah, when Dad would take me fishing and also on a 5th grade field trip to a horse-inhabited island near one of the lighthouses. We couldn't go to the lighthouse because the water was too rough. Have you ever been hopelessly in love with a celebrity? You can't be "in love" with someone you've never met and don't know personally. Generally speaking, do you like acoustic or original versions of songs better? Hm... tied, I think. What was the last band shirt you wore? Otep. Do you follow any celebrities on Twitter? I use Twitter only for Mark. That is all. What was the last flavor of pudding or yogurt you ate? Chocolate. What was the last thing you bought online, and how about in an actual store? With my own money, online it was Sara's ring I believe, and in a store was a snack. When was the last time you met someone who seemed very unpleasant? Hm. I honestly don't go out and meet people enough to answer this. Does anyone have a romantic interest in you, that you don’t return? Possibly, but it doesn't matter. Have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in? Yeah. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Did you like it? Oh my fucking god, some kind of "fancy" vodka in a margarita. It was disgusting. Are your eyes the same color as your siblings’ eyes? Only my brother. What food(s) have you eaten a lot of recently? Nutrition/meal replacement shakes. Do you use the microwave a lot when it comes to cooking food? Yeah, 'cuz I can't cook. Are you currently trying to get over someone? No. Do you know anyone who’s been on TV? If so, which show? Not to my knowledge. Do you have any lockets with pictures inside? No. Have you ever liked a football player? No. What was the last thing you learned? Some snacks rats can eat. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. I'm very picky with all foreign food, actually. What’s your favorite scent? Freshly-baked bread, coffee, honeydew, lilacs... If you could house any pet, what would it be? Out of all pet options, uh... I suppose a horse or Saint Bernard if I had the means to properly care for them, too. Do you pluck your eyebrows? No. Do you like to swing? YEAH. How about jumping on a trampoline? I would if my knees weren't shit. If you could have any car, what kind would it be? Idk. I'm not educated on cars enough. What’s your favorite fast-food restaurant? I'm a slut for Wendy's. How often do you like to have sex? I'm not in a position where that's ever a thing yet. It wasn't something I thought about with Jason either, but we were pretty regular with sexual affection so we never went very long without, anyway. What’s your definition of weird? I don't care to define it, honestly. "Weird" can be good, bad, neutral... It's too vast a term and super subjective. Do you use shaving cream? That or lotion when I shave my legs. Have you ever personally known any girl who shaved their head? Well, she's an online friend, but I'd count her. Have you ever coughed up blood? I don't believe so. Who was the last person you hugged? My niece or nephew. What’s some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Mental: heartbreak and abandonment (both without any obvious prologue), rejection from who I cared about most, as well as deep hopelessness. Physical: having a cyst drained, an internal hemorrhoid, fracturing my wrist, having my tongue piercing redone and more accurately, a severe case of constipation I had as a little kid, an ear infection that made me want to chop it off and all out, a concussion, menstrual cramps before I was put on the pill... What kind of mouse pad do you have? I use a trackpad. What color is your mouse? ^ What’s your favorite dessert food? Ice cream, donuts, or red velvet cake omlllll. What is the closest thing to you right now that is alive? My dog Teddy. Are you an outcast? By the actual definition, no, though I feel it occasionally. Do you exercise? Ugh, no. I'm working on building back up my motivation to do Wii Fit again. What’s your favorite carnival food? (cotton candy, corn dogs, funnel cake) I haven't been to enough and gotten food to know many at all. Are you a very open-minded person? I think I am, and I feel that improves further like, daily. Are you modest? Probably sounds immodest to say, but I know I am. What kind of guys/girls do you usually fall for? Above all else, my consistent weakness seems to be the "weirdos." The ones that really stand out in their uniqueness. Do you skate? No. I mean, I'm capable of rollerblading, but it's not something I do every weekend or something. If you were to make it big with your own band what would it’s name be? Hell if I know. HAHA WAIT. My old username in some places, BulletsxButterflies, was based off my Rock Band band "Bullets And Butterflies" and like can you say #myaesthetic so that'd be pretty cool I suppose. ... Although it was inspired by the song "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" and I don't wanna get sued so like- What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Just normal spaghetti with sauce and meatballs. Would you rather a friend come over to your house or you go over there? I GO OVER THERE. I am a SHIT host and there's nothing to do here anyway. What’s the perfect first date? Go to a sit-down restaurant (doesn't need to be expensive at all), just the two of you, and *talk*. Don't touch your phone, just talk and listen with honest interest in your partner. I think this is especially important if you started dating shortly after meeting, as now that you're together, you really need to get to know each other. If you were good friends prior, you should already be pretty familiar with the other, and then I think things are a bit more flexible. Have you ever had rabies? No. Do you know anyone who ever had to get a rabies shot? *shrugs* Ever eaten deer? Duck? Squirrel? How about lamb? No. Have you ever received a note in your locker? I believe I did in middle school from Aaron? What was the last birthday present you bought for someone? A personalized chameleon mug for my darling. Did you get grounded often as a child? No more than usual, I guess? If you have a car, how much does it take to fill up your gas tank? N/A What’s your favorite album from your favorite music artist? Ozzy's "Black Rain." Every song is absolutely amazing, replayed more times than I ever wanna count, and it was my introduction to metal. Was the last person you held hands with a significant other? No, Aubree took my hand as well as she could to take me to her brother's room. Do you remember the brand of your first cell phone? Uhhhh... Blueberry, maybe? What is your Facebook cover picture? A pink pastel background-type thing. Last video game you played? Shadow of the Colossus. I beat it all over again to start my Time Attack grind, but I'm thinking of waiting til I get the PS4 remake one day to do so. When did you last try a new restaurant? Back when I was up at Sara's again. Does “out of sight, out of mind” work for you? Usually no. Do you have any friends whose birthday is this month? MY BABY If you have a favorite actor/actress, which of their movies is your favorite? For Betty White, idk. Depp, Alice in Wonderland. Are you currently expecting anything to arrive in the mail? No. What is your favorite kind of salad? Just bring me a ship full of Olive Garden's salad and I'll be g. Do you own a tablet of any kind? No. How many minutes is the longest song in your music library? I'm not sure, but off the top of my head, probably "Call of Ktulu" by Metallica. What is a brand name you don’t really care for? Any?? Idc. Do you prefer sleeping in complete silence or with background noise? Not complete silence, but quiet, simple background noise. When was the last time you weighed yourself? Today. As I do almost everyday even tho you're not advised to. Oops. Would you convert to a different religion if your fiancé/fiancée was of a different faith? No. The world is ending, and you can save one group of five people: who would be the five people that you save? Just five ah screw you man. Considering both those I hold close to myself but also people I feel would help recover the world for the better, and also assuming you don't include animals: Sara, Mom, Mark Fischbach, my psychiatrist (he's so fucking knowledgeable on medication that the world does not need to lose all that information), and probably Jane Goodall. Well idk, she's up there in age and may not last very long, but. asjfapwuw this is a hard question, I'm trying to consider who I love personally but also who would be capable of properly rebuilding humanity, or at least give us last six (if I'm alive, too?) a happy end to our lives. What is one thing that you are proud of, that you think lacks praise/lacks appreciation from the people around you? It could be a simple thing; it could be a secret thing. Ummmm... idk. What is the funniest one-liner Tumblr text post you’ve ever read? THERE'S SO MANY What is the absolute hardest thing about staying alive? Staying in a mentally sound place. If you're not okay in your own head, that makes living so, so very hard, and too many people get there. What is a book that has been recognized as ‘great literature’ that you dislike? Why? *shrugs* I enjoyed those I recall reading. Except one I don't remember the name of. Do you believe in the supernatural? Absolutely, 110%. What was the last thing you cried about? Probably my current groundhog day cycle. Are you mad at yourself about anything? Always, sure, but in like, the back of my mind. It doesn't dominate my thoughts. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Eggs. What pharmacy do you use? Harris Teeter's. Are you proud of yourself or disappointed in yourself? Both. What do you consider the perfect temperature for winter? ~50 is my preferred temperature always. What does your umbrella look like? I think ours is black? What is something you wanted as a kid but never got? One of those little crane machines with stuffed animals in it. I had one for candy, I think... but apparently that wasn't enough for Young Brittany. What is something you were scared of as a kid? Porcelain dolls. Still make me uncomfortable. Do you like your current driver’s license picture? My permit one is HIDEOUS. What is your favorite Elvis song? "Devil In Disguise." Do you think you could be the next American Idol? Hell no. Do you prefer reading fiction or non-fiction? Fiction, easily. Do you prefer fruity candy canes or peppermint-flavored? I like both, but the former is my fave. Do you eat too much candy? No. If you ever took dance classes, what were your favorite classes? Jazz. Have you ever been bullied because of the things you like? I don't think so? Have you bullied others because they like things you do not? No. Were there any classes you enjoyed because of the teacher? Not "enjoyed," but made them better. Have you ever been a bad friend? I'm sure I have. Has a friend ever replaced you with somebody else? Yup. At least it really feels like it. Have you ever disliked something just because it was popular? Admittedly, I think there were some things when I was newly a teen and developing that "I'm not like others" mentality. Have you ever watched a movie just because it starred an actor you liked? Maybe? What about just because it starred an actor you thought was good-looking? ... I'm deadass tempted to see Aquaman because of this lmfao but I'm not going to. Are there actors/musicians you have met? No. Do you ever judge people based on the music they listen to? Nah. What would you say are your top five bands/artists? Gaaah... I'll try here. Ozzy, Metallica, Otep, Manson, and Korn, maybe? Has anyone ever told you that you were really pretty? Yeah. Do you listen to a wide variety of music? No. Most are some kind of metal and rock, but I do have some really random artists/bands I like, such as Melanie Martinez or Marina and the Diamonds. Did you ever go through a phase when you didn’t want to take medicine? No. Was the last book you read good? Yeah. Do you make grocery lists? I don't do the shopping, so no. Do you have stomach problems? It can be finicky every now and again, especially with "fancy" food. Do you enjoy editing photos? Yes! Peace signs or hearts? Hmmm, idk. I guess it depends on the style. What kind of pie is your favorite? None. Do you have a strong relationship with your parents? I feel very, very few parent-child relationships exist stronger than my mom's and mine. Dad and I are good, too. Do you know your best friend’s middle name? Yeah. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Is your Facebook profile private? Yeah. How many true friends do you have? Like four? Who has your Facebook password? Me and Mom. Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Pretty much never. Do you believe in aliens? I'm neutral. Do you like pineapple? Yessss. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? No. Are you living with anyone that isn’t related to you? No, if you don't include pets. How many people would you say you’ve been “in love” with? Two. Which one of your relatives are you most likely to argue/disagree with? MY GRANDMA. How much do you monthly pay for mortgage or rent? If you don’t, how much is your cell-phone bill? N/A What is your favorite grocery store to shop at, and how often do you shop for groceries? Sam's Club got them deals. But I don't do the grocery shopping. How many hours do you work a week? If you don’t work, do you plan on finding a job? If so, when? I'm getting help from vocational rehab now to find a job perfectly appropriate for me. Where did you have your first kiss? What about your last kiss? His bed; airport. When is the next time you will be going out of town? 18th for my therapy appointment. Hour away. What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? Phone bill. Where did you spend Christmas or any other winter holiday? My sister's house. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Myself. Do you like shopping alone? I wouldn't know. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? A small one. When was the last time you blushed? Idk. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? Most of my sister's exes. Almost all, really. Do you have any video game systems in your room? Which one(s)? Well, the DS is in here. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? Jason's as just a joke. What is one thing you don’t like sharing? My drawings or writings if you're in my "real" life. Online is like... mostly np, but otherwise, don't fucking look. If I share a drink with you too, that means a loooot. Where on your body would you NEVER get a piercing? You know... ~the spot~ Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? Idk. Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? Yes. Would you be considered more of a teacher’s pet or a class clown? I was inadvertently the teacher’s pet like... always. Do you have any family members who are mean to you for no reason? No. Do you have to do any yard work? No. Do you have a nativity scene in your home? Mom will put it up eventually. If you’re a girl, what color is your favorite bra? Navy. Would you rather make a snow angel or snowman? Snowman. What is the best antique shop in your town? *shrugs* Does creating make you happy? YES YES YES YES!!!! Do you have abusive family members? No. What US city would you most like to visit? Idk. What country in the world would you most like to visit? Japan, probably. Or Scotland. Do you have your wedding all planned out in your head? No. Do you sell things online a lot? No. Is there anyone you secretly miss? No. What color are your Christmas lights? On our tree that isn't up yet? Rainbow. Owls or penguins? Owls.

[fshelix]

a really long ask meme for my own purposes

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I’m actually cool with my current height. I'm hella tall. But I also like to wear heels so I can be really hella tall.

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

I really want a sphinx cat. And a bird.

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

Uhhh I like a lot of styles but none of them actually look alright on my body type. If I were to try to categorize MY style, I’d say it’s kinda like an edgy 80s mom?? idk. I wear a lot of black.

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

Well you see I still play a lot of games from my childhood, like Pokemon and Animal Crossing. But when I was growing up I played a lot of fun computer games that I don’t play anymore. Some of the ones I can remember most clearly include Barbie Secret Agent, Tomb Raider II, Zoombinis, some geography game from a Sonic kid’s meal, an Amazon River explorer type game I don’t remember the name of, some kind of math city game I don’t remember the name of, KIDPIX oh man I’m getting all nostalgic.

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

Hmmm man I have no idea. What an impossibly broad question. I guess most of it boils down to my own depression lol, whomever I happen to be crushing on at the moment, and probably food. Or weed. I love food and weed.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Warning: Will engage in self-destructive behavior if gone too long without being given Attention and Validation™   

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

This is one of those Classic Moments when it becomes painfully obvious that I am indeed doing an ask meme completely on my own and no one has actually asked me any of these questions.

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

Melancholic

9: Are you ticklish?

Uhhh not sure. I think so.

10: Are you allergic to anything?

Weakness.

11: What’s your sexuality?

It’s hard to tell. I’ve kind of developed this fear of intimacy, which complicates things.

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

Depends. Recently it’s been tea.

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

Cat person.

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

Probably elf.

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

I like a handful of youtubers a lot as people, like Michael Aranda and Craig Benzine, but I haven’t really been into youtube content in general recently.

16: How tall are you?

5′11.5″, but I tell everyone 6′.

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

I think I could pull off Meredith. That’s kinda lame though. And a lot of syllables. No offense to any Merediths out there.

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

Uhhhh

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

I don’t believe in ghosts but I consider myself to be a spiritual person, so

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

Oh man both are cool. Definitely space tho.

21: Are you religious?

Nah.

22: Pet peeves?

I can’t really think of any.

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

Diurnal is best for humans.

24: Favorite constellation?

I don’t really have one. I haven’t done a lot of stargazing in areas in which whole constellations are actually visible.

25: Favorite star?

I like the Pleiades cluster 

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

Sure? I have never been asked this question before, but I don’t really have a reason not to like them, so ???

27: Any phobias or fears?

Currently I get freaked out about getting close to other people. Lots of stuff freaks me out though.

28: Do you think global warming is real?

I don’t just think it’s real, it is 100% real.

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

It’d be pretty sweet, but there’s no knowing what the hell happens after we die, if anything.

30: Favorite movie?

Lots of em. 

31: Do you get scared easily?

Hm, not really

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

Six.

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

0/10 my blog sucks

34: What is a color that calms you?

#5fbec6

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

I want to travel all over. See nature n shit. I don’t really have a preference of where to live really, anywhere I could have a job and friends and a house or apartment.

36: Where were you born?

Huntsville, AL

37: What is your eye color?

Blue

38: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

I enjoy partaking in them.

40: Hugs or kisses?

Yes.

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

My Uncle Scott.

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

My mom.

43: Any piercings you want?

I recently got my nose pierced and am quite happy with it. If I had choose another I’d get an eyebrow done, or maybe one of them ear ones. I like industrial and tragus piercings.

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

Yeah. I want more piercings, and I want a number of tattoos but not for a while.

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

I’m occasionally known to smoke the devil’s lettuce.

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

I’ve been crushing on this one boy all damn year and I’ve only had the courage to actually speak to him like barely once and it was a week ago. His name is Cam. Hopefully I’ll actually befriend him next year. He’s a music performance major like me, and he plays trombone. He’s a Stamps scholar too. We’re in the same wind ensemble and astronomy class and I see him all the time in the practice room building. He is about the same height as me, has an endomorphic build, has standard length light brown hair that swoops to the left, has hazel eyes, is often seen wearing wayfarer-type glasses but sometimes without. His smile is real cute, doesn’t show teeth. Clean shaven. Red cheeks and dimples. He whistles when he walks. All kinds of cute. And he’s liberal. That’s all I know. According to one of my friends, he thinks I’m “nice.”

47: What is a sound you really hate?

Donald Trump. Vacuum cleaners. The music my roommate likes. 

48: A sound you really love?

Musicians warming up on stage before an orchestra concert. The start of a car engine. Lighters sparking.

49: Can you do a backflip?

Hell no

50: Can you do the splits?

Hell no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

None come to mind.

52: Favorite movie?

I like many movies.

53: How are you feeling right now?

I am unable to articulate my emotions. Idk. Bad.

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

Maybe a little lighter. Or blue.

55: When did you feel happiest?

When receiving Validation™

56: Something that calms you down?

Getting stuff done.

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

I’ve never seen a healthcare professional about any mental disorders, but I think that it’s quite plausible.

58: What does your URL mean?

Exactly what it says, I guess.

59: What three words describe you the most?

Neurotic, creative, improving.

60: Do you believe in evolution?

Who doesn’t? It’s 2017.

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

It takes a lot tbh. Generally I’ll just lose interest in whatever content they have.

62: What makes you follow a blog?

Cool stuff, certain humor.

63: Favorite kind of person:

Friendly, thoughtful, creative, honest, dependable, patient. Rule breaker.

64: Favorite animal(s):

Bears. And cats, ofc.

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

dailycatdrawings, mayakern, letsmakeloaf

66: Favorite emoticon:

the upside down smiley one

67: Favorite meme:

i liked the joe biden memes

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

it changes every time i take that test, and i can never remember the letters lol. It’s not even the most accurate personality test cuz it’s all 50/50, and most ppl are in the middle somewhere and it varies, you know what i mean?

69: What is your star sign?

Leo/Virgo cusp. Libra rising.

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

I don’t have a dog.

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

I have this really cute gray jersey dress from torrid that has giraffes all over it, i like wearing it with old skool vans and my denim jacket with a faux sherpa collar. There’s also a cute one with a black bodysuit, light wash denim shorts belted at the waist, black chiffon tank top with lace trim that’s rlly long in the back, and a blue cardigan with old skool vans. There’s another with a black pencil skirt, white chiffon top with a CAPE over a flesh colored tank top, with these pleather sneaker wedges with shiny gold lookin straps for fancier stuff. And i have lots of cool flannels and t-shirts. I got a pretty cool wardrobe, i’d say.

72: Post a selfie or two?

I can actually do that cuz i’m not on mobile for a change. this is my current favorite.

73: Do you have platform shoes?

I have a couple pairs of platform heels that I like a lot, but I’d also like to get some platform flats. i like being tall.

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

I once punched a kid in the face in kindergarten cuz he wouldn’t stop touching my sparkly hello kitty notebook and only got 5 minutes off recess.

75: Can you do a front flip?

I used to be able to do front flips on a trampoline, haven’t been on a trampoline in a while.

76: Do you like birds?

Birds are terrifying cuz they’re like little dinosaurs and have got really weird and specific behaviors but they’re also really cute.

77: Do you like to swim?

I love swimming.

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

Swimming by far. I can’t skate, ice is cold and hard and the shoes are sharp and dangerous and i have all the grace and coordination of a drunk baby giraffe.

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

Donald Trump. Global warming.

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

Something that would allow me to have whatever body weight I feel like instantly. 

81: Piercings you have?

Three lobe piercings on my right ear, one lobe piercing on my left ear, left nostril.

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

Learning about cool places on Earth.

83: Favorite person to talk to:

Uhhhhhh idk it depends i guess. I don’t really have one specific person.

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

artsy fartsy lol. i thought you actually had to make content to be on this website. boy.

85: How many followers do you have?

426.

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

Probably not.

87: Do your socks always match?

Almost always.

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

I cannot. I also am unable to straighten my legs completely in the first place, so there’s that. I am the pinnacle of health.

89: What are your birthstones?

Can ppl have multiple birthstones???? i just know of the one, which is peridot.

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

bear.

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

man idk.

92: A store you hate?

American Apparel.

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

I don’t think i’ve ever had more than one. One is probably the limit. I get jittery.

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

Definitely read minds.

95: Do you like to wear camo?

Uhhh I have no opinion? 

96: Winter or summer?

Both have their merits. I prefer winter though just cuz I’m bad at heat.

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

A minute.

98: Least favorite person?

Donald Trump.

99: Someone you look up to:

Girl named Julia in my bassoon studio at school. She’s amazing.

100: A store you love?

Torrid.

101: Favorite type of shoes

Vans.

102: Where do you live?

Miami for most of the year, Alabama for some of the year.

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

I am not.

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

All of them. I fucking love rocks.

105: Do you drink milk?

Yes.

106: Do you like bugs?

I do not.

107: Do you like spiders?

As long as they are far away from me.

108: Something you get paranoid about?

Interactions with other people.

109: Can you draw:

When I’m feeling creative.

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

I can’t remember any.

111: A question you hate being asked?

Anything along the lines of What’s up and How are you

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

No

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Do ppl not??

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Sunny ones as long as I have sunglasses.

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

Cam. Cam Cam Cam.

116: Favorite cloud type:

The really big ones.

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

I’m fine with blue?

118: Do you have freckles?

Yes. I like them, kinda wish they was more prominent/I didn’t have troubled skin so i wouldn’t have to use foundation and cover them up.

119: Favorite thing about a person:

Could be any number of things. Smile and laugh probably.

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Depends on the dish. The world is not black and white.

121: Something you want to do right now:

Get lit.

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

Yes.

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Uhhh don’t those go hand in hand most of the time? Like sour patch kids and gummy worms and stuff. I guess sweet though cuz chocolate.

124: Bright or dim lights?

Colored lights!

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

Huh?

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

Limited world views. Misleading about the real world.

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

Artists

128: What do you think about the least?

Uhhh how am i supposed to know???

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

Nothing special. Just my name and lifespan probably. That is, if I even choose to be buried. Or if I even die i mean who knows.

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

Man i dont even know anymore. How sad is that. I guess my ex but my heart wouldn’t really be in it.

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

Gosh I don’t know. All of it I suppose. It’s very complicated.

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

I usually decide in the moment. So both.

133: Computer or TV?

Computer.

134: Do you like roller coasters?

Yes.

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

Not usually.

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

Lobed.

137: Do you believe in karma?

Not really.

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

uhhhhhhjj fuck i dont know dude. depends. im probably atleast a 5. maybe. on a good day.

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Kat, Raf/Raffin, Froom/Froomie

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

For like 3 days maybe. I didn’t really need one cuz my sister and i were always close.

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

No

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

I influence others?? I guess that’d be subjective anyway.

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

Both.

144: What makes you angry

Politics.

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

One.

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

I already talked about my sexuality at the moment, but i think maybe you should not refer to a group of ppl as “non-binaries”? just like you do not call black ppl “blacks.” just sayin

147: Are you androgynous?

Not really.

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

I have cool hair.

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

uhhh fuck m8 idk

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

Cam, Alfie, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

1980s!!!

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

I do not.

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

I do not have one.

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

I have never done that before.

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Yeah.

156: What embarrasses you?

Almost everything.

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Interacting with other ppl.

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

That I have ever had a fake ID. Or that i met my last bf on this website. It was not this website.

159: How many people are you following?

276

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

too goddamn many

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

2

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

1788

163: Last time you cried and why:

Yesterday and no reason.

164: Do you have long or short hair?

Long.

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

Before my last haircut it was like three feet from root to tip.

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

That is a complicated issue. In general, even though I can see why it appeals to people and I respect that, religion makes me feel uneasy. I also have a personal issue with it.

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

Yes. Of course.

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

I do. I can do it gud.

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

I probably cannot. I am also unwilling to try.

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

I did.

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I keep falling in and out of this weird identity crisis sort of feeling. Like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be anymore. It's been over a year and I should be over this already but when I'm alone, my brain is just consumed by thoughts of my boyfriend's dead ex time and time again like a chronic illness and all I can think about is my fear of being anything like her. I want to be the exact opposite of her and yet somehow I find myself feeling obligated (by what, I have no fucking clue) to be exactly like her. I overthink everything I do and say fearing that what if she did or said the same things? I feel guilty for any similarities that might be between us, for liking the same music or for wanting to dye my hair or loving a particular movie that she did or whatever. I try not to think about it but sometimes I can't stop. Sometimes when I'm alone, it takes over and it's all I can think about it. It makes me wreckless and restless. It makes me want to do something drastic, like chop off all my hair or get a tattoo or a piercing or grab a lighter and burn something until it's nothing but ash. Maybe I want to burn all the parts of myself that remind me of her, even though sometimes those parts are important to me, too. I know we definitely have our differences, that I can never be her and she can never be me, but sometimes I just wonder if everyone's lives would be better off if we just switched places. If I was the one decomposing underground instead of her. I still don't feel like I deserve any of this. Like I deserve to get everything she ever wanted and be loved by the only man she ever wanted, even if he's the only man I've ever wanted, too. I just don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. There are little things that remind me of her every day, she pops into my head every single day, and I just don't say anything about it because "I am nothing if not quiet and accomodating." I don't like to fan the flames and open my big mouth only to fuck everything up. If we can live in silent contentment, then that's good enough for me. So long as I don't start drama, everything is fine. I don't give a fuck if something's burning down or flooding inside of me. That I can handle. That I can hide fairly easily. God knows this isn't the only thing I hide from people. I just wish I could find a way to kill this once and for all. I hate being in near-constant emotional pain over things I know are my fault because I'm putting myself through all of this. I just want to do something drastic to myself in a fit of wreckless, teenage-esque impulsiveness. I wanna cut all of my hair off like Audrey Hepburn. I want to grow my hair out and dye it bright red. I want to get a cliche quote tattooed someplace painful. I want to pierce my septum and get snake bites. I want to repaint my nails black. I want to wear heavy eyeliner. I want to smoke a joint. I want to get a leather jacket and motorcycle. I want to just want to get up and go someplace without telling anyone, just walk out the door and walk for miles and miles until I reach someplace beautiful and empty and silent. I want to go back home to Disney World and eat Mickey ice cream and turkey legs and ride Splash Mountain a million times or Space Ranger Spin until I get so dizzy I throw up. I want to hug my dog and fall asleep with his head on my legs on the couch like we used to. I want to climb back into my bed in my old room and stay up until 3am watching reruns of Friends and Fresh Prince of Bel Air and questioning my life choices. I want to be four years old again at my great aunt's house watching Toon Disney and eating Winnie the Pooh cereal surrounded by a tornado of Barbie stuff and feel the genuine, unadulterated happiness that you only really get to have as a small child. I want to go to a Disney audition and become a princess in the parks and make little children feel an overload of that happiness because at least someone deserves to smile. I want to starve myself just to feel that emptiness in my stomach like the emptiness I keep feeling everywhere else. I want to be poetic and beautiful and mysterious and intimidating and powerful and dark and brooding and intelligent and graceful and confident and genuine. I want to remember what it feels like to not constantly compare myself to someone I consider superior, someone who didn't deserve what she got, someone who makes me hate myself. I just want to be free.

[toomanysurveys9]

Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Shot glasses. If I had to pick out of these three, though, probably coffee mugs. Even though I don’t drink nearly enough coffee to make buying many worth it. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Depends what it is if you mean flavoring. If you mean actual candy, bubblegum. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? Quiet, but a good student. I did extremely well in school. The only subject I really struggled with was math. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? I don’t care. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds for sure.

Movies or TV? TV shows usually. Favorite smell in the summer? Freshly mowed grass, but I’m allergic. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? I hated P.E. I wasn’t very good at any of the games that I recall. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? Cold cereal, if I even eat breakfast. Name of your favorite playlist? My songs for Wy and Ellie on Spotify. Lanyard or key ring? Lanyard, but I have a key ring. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Lately, laffy taffy. Which is weird. Favorite book you had to read for school? To Kill a Mockingbird actually. Most comfortable position to sit in? I don’t know.

Most frequently worn pair of shoes? Under armor ones. Ideal weather? Cool enough for a sweater, but not overly so. A little rain never hurts either. Pencils or pens? Pens, generally. Unless it’s something I might make a lot of mistakes on. Then I prefer pencils, of course. Obsession from childhood? I don’t know. As a child I loved books. Barbies when I was quite a bit younger. Favorite crystal? I don’t have any. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Stay in the A/C and read a book. Lol. Or go to the lake and go swimming. Take my kiddos to the park or the zoo. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Sleep. Movie day with the kiddos. Five songs to describe you? They’d all be sad songs right now. Best way for someone to bond with you? Oh boy. Uhh. Get drunk with me? Or play dates with our kids? Top 5 favorite Vines? I don’t have any favorite vines. I never really got into them. Ads you have stuck in your head? None currently. Average time you fall asleep? Way too late. I try to be in bed by 10:30 during the week, but it takes forever to actually fall asleep. What is the first meme you remember seeing? I don’t know. There have been so many. They all sort of blur together. Suitcase, duffel bag, or backpack? I usually use a backpack. Unless it’s a pretty long trip.. Then we all just use our giant duffel bag. Lemonade or tea? Lemonade. Tea hurts my stomach. Last person you texted? Either Jacob or Jade. Probably Jade? Jacket pockets or pants pockets? Pants, because I usually take my jacket off. Favorite type of jacket? I don’t really care for jackets. I prefer hoodies. Favorite scent for soap? I have so many I love from Bath and Body Works! My top two favorites are probably watermelon lemonade and pumpkin cupcake. I think those are their names. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? It’s a toss up between fantasy and superheroes. I love Marvel, but I also love fantasy things. What clothes do you sleep in? Depends. Sometimes I wear pajama pants and a tshirt, and other times I wear boy shorts and a tshirt. Favorite type of cheese? Depends what I am using it for. If I’m eating it by itself, Colby jack.  What saying or quote do you live by? Always keep fighting. What are you currently stressed about? Life in general. We need to get caught up on bills. Plus Christmas. Plus our Florida trip is going to be here before we know it. And that’s not even mentioning the emotional bullshit I have going on right now. Favorite font? I don’t know anymore. What did you learn from your first job? That I hated working in the food industry, with a passion. Especially fast food. Favorite fairy tale? I like the Grimm ones. Favorite tradition? I started doing Elf on a Shelf with my kids. That can be fun. Talent you’re proud of having? I don’t know. I used to be okay at singing but I stopped for so long, I don’t think I can anymore. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? "Fuck.” HA. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? I am not really into anime so I couldn’t tell ya. Character you relate to? Sam Winchester. Favorite website from your childhood? Myspace I guess. Any scars? I have one on my right elbow from my time at McDonald’s. A shift manager pushed me into a fryer I had just pulled out. And then I got yelled at for taking too long to care for it. It was one hell of a blister. Easily a second degree burn. Favorite flower? Lilacs. Any good luck charms? Nope. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? Fishy flavors for foods, or super spicy. And for drinks.. black licorice. I guess that flavor also counts for food too. Left or right handed? I am right handed. Least favorite pattern? I don’t know. Any that look too old lady-ish I guess. I know. It’s very subjective, but it’s the best answer I got. Worst subject in school? Math or chemistry.  Favorite weird flavor combo? I don’t know. When I was pregnant, I liked nacho cheese Doritos with BBQ sauce. I can’t think of any weird combos I currently like. When did you lose your first tooth? I don’t know. I was probably six years old or so. Favorite potato food? Either fried potatoes my mom makes, or mashed potatoes. Gas station coffee or grocery store sushi? I don’t eat sushi, so coffee it is. Earth tones or jewel tones? Earth for the most part. Do you call them fireflies or lightning bugs? lightening bugs. PC or console gaming? Consoles. Although I’m not much of a gamer. Writing or drawing? Writing. I can’t draw to save my life. Podcasts or talk radio? Barbie or Polly Pocket? Fairy tales or mythology? More specifically, Greek mythology.

Cookies or cupcakes? Your greatest fear? Something happening to my babies. Your greatest wish? Be the best mom I can, and for my babies to know I love them more than anything and did the best I could. Who would you put before everyone else? My kids. Lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights, or sunlight? Overhead I guess. Nicknames? Marley, Marley Harley, and Lina are the most frequently used ones. Favorite season? Spring. Favorite app on your phone? Probably Tumblr or Pinterest. What is your desktop background? My kids, of course. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Three? Favorite historical era?

Like ancient Egypt or Greece.