#I don’t deserve friendship or good days or pity or understanding

[prozach27]

I must have been a really shitty person in a past life.

Maybe in this one too.

[thecpdiary]

A quote By Brianna Wiest "It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and it will also be the most important: stop giving your love to those who aren’t ready to love you. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want to change. Stop showing up for people who are indifferent about your presence. Stop prioritizing people who make you an option. Stop loving people who aren’t ready to love you. I know that your instinct is to do whatever you can to earn the good graces of everyone you can, but that is also the impulse that will rob you of your time, your energy and your sanity. When you start showing up to your life wholly and completely, with joy and interest and commitment, not everyone is going to be ready to meet you there. It doesn’t mean you need to change who you are. It means you need to stop loving people who aren’t ready to love you. If you’re left out, subtly insulted, mindlessly forgotten about or easily disregarded by the people you spend the most time with, you’re doing yourself an incredible disservice by continuing to offer your energy and life to them. The truth is that you are not for everyone, and everyone is not for you. That’s what makes it so special when you do find the few people with whom you have a genuine friendship, love or relationship: you’ll know how precious it is because you’ve experienced what it isn’t. But the longer you spend trying to force someone to love you when they aren’t capable, the longer you’re robbing yourself of that very connection. It is waiting for you. There are billions of people on this planet, and so many of them are going to meet you at your level, vibe where you are, connect with where you’re going. But the longer you stay small, tucked into the familiarity of the people who use you as a cushion, a back burner option, a therapist and a ploy for their emotional labor, the longer you keep yourself out of the community you crave. Maybe if you stop showing up, you’ll be less liked. Maybe you’ll be forgotten about altogether. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will cease. Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for days and weeks. Maybe if you stop loving someone, the love between you will dissolve. That doesn’t mean you ruined a relationship. It means that the only thing sustaining a relationship was the energy you and you alone were putting into it. That’s not love. That’s attachment. The most precious, important thing that you have in your life is your energy. It is not your time that is limited, it is your energy. What you give it to each day is what you will create more and more of in your life. What you give your time to is what will define your existence. When you realize this, you’ll begin to understand why you’re so anxious when you spend your time with people who are wrong for you, and in jobs or places or cities that are wrong, too. You’ll begin to realize that the foremost important thing you can do for your life and yourself and everyone you know is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven in which only people that can care and listen and connect are allowed. You are not responsible for saving people. You are not responsible for convincing them they want to be saved. It is not your job to show up for people and give away your life to them, little by little, moment by moment, because you pity them, because you feel bad, because you “should,” because you’re obligated, because, at the root of it all, you’re afraid to not be liked back. It is your job to realize that you are the master of your fate, and that you are accepting the love you think you’re worthy of. Decide you’re deserving of real friendship, true commitment and complete love with people who are healthy and thriving. Then wait in the darkness, just for a little bit. And watch how quickly everything begins to change."

For more inspirational quotes and blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[stormslayeradventures]

The Debt of Pain in regards To The Past and Present.

“He deserves to come home.” Emmelain says to Ophelia and Artoriel over tea.

“We’ve been through this Em.” Artoriel says again “The answer is no. Haurchefant is out there for a reason, and he will remain out there until the reason he is out there is no longer a concern to the households.”

Ophelia is sitting between the two of them, a letter in Em’s hand. Ophelia looked emotionless, comatose as she just sipped her tea. Athena sat across from Artoriel and Ophie on the opposite side. She looked at Ophelia’s state and knew that whatever happened at dinner a few days ago – did not make things better.

“Ophelia, come now. Surely you can understand considering recent events – “

“No.” Ophelia said point blank looking at Em “Your brother and I don’t agree on much, but right now, we agree. He’s out there for a reason, and not only does he understand the reason – he is content with the life he has built out there, away from all of us.” Ophelia takes a sip looking away from him. “Additionally – nothing is stopping him from coming home anyway on his own terms.” Ophelia says. “He has the ability to Aetheryte travel.” Ophelia says “He chooses his path. So, he has chosen to accept and make the most of his choice. There is nothing stopping you from inviting him to eat and spend time with each other.” Ophelia says point blank to Em. “None of that has been taken from him. But if he thinks his family are going to open their doors to him once more after everything – he must understand that the world is not as simple as it once was. He doesn’t have to lose his optimism for the good of others. But he needs to lose his naïve behavior in thinking that his charm is going to smooth over years of pain, struggle, and strife. He says he wants to be there for us, but has he really been there for us? Even now?” Ophelia shrugs as Athena quietly resigns herself and set the cup down on the side table. “That’s because you two stuck in the past – bound to customs like honor and dignity – “ “Because damnit – that’s all I have left!” Ophelia says standing up, letting her teacup spill tea and break all over the floor. “Look at me Em!” She says as she shows the house around her “I don’t have a husband; I don’t have children. I probably never will anymore thanks to your brother. The House we were supposed to live in – has been converted to house the Trading Company so to pay for its property taxes, and I live across the street! My dignity and honor are all I have. Instead, what do I get from him for all my kindness? Just a house I can’t live in and man who makes me promises he can’t keep, and he does so all by choice.” Ophelia’s angry loud voice goes soft as she looks Em square in the face.    “So yes, my doors are closed. And that weight of guilt he probably feels as the result of his regret and desire to come home - I’m not carrying or lessening either. He wants my kindness and friendship now; he knows where I live and what he knows what needs to be done. So, if he wants to stay out there while others do his work for him because he doesn’t have courage to acknowledge what is truly wrong, then that’s his choice, as it is mine to leave him out there to rot in humidity. Cowardice is only cute in the legends of The Witches and Wizards of Oz. Everywhere else you are just that point blank.” Em and Athena look at Artoriel as he looks at Ophelia as she sits down.

“And you are okay with this?” Em says looking at Artoriel. “Em, you weren’t alive when the scandal between mother and father came out regarding Haurchefant. Now father did the right thing, and accepted Haurchefant and the responsibility of his actions. But what Father never saw was all the pain mother silently suffered as people ridiculed her and felt pity for her after what had happened.” Artoriel says as he looks at Ophelia.  “I don’t agree with a lot of things mother did, most of all placing you Ophelia into the predicament of your marriage contract to Haurchefant. But I vowed after watching my mother suffer that any other woman that enters this family will never face that shame and sorrow again. And if they did, I would ensure all doors were closed to them and that they disappeared off the face of Etheriys. While I can’t make Haurchefant disappear for his actions, he will sit out there in Thavnair until our sister’s dignity and kindness is honored and restored. I owe the husband and brother I once knew that much at least.” Em defeated, takes his letter, and picks up his satchel before bowing to Ophelia and Athena. After Em storms out of the house, Athena sighs again. “Ophelia – what will it take for him to win your favor?” Athena asks finally “I never wanted him to marry me. I long accepted that wasn’t a prospect. But he keeps acting like everything I’ve been through, and still am going through is meaningless. He talks to me of home and of the past like it’s something in legend – never mind that was just yesterday to me." She says sitting looking into the fireplace once more. "He sends his man in lieu of himself to handle business. He sends Em to beg his cause, so he doesn’t have to feel the wrath of Artoriel and I. He doesn’t care about the estate, his family, nor does he ask about any of you when he does show his face round me. He would rather live the fantasy and go be around the family that feeds his ego and makes him feel like the great knight of lore. If that is what he truly values now, then let him do that.”   “Ophelia, it’s obvious that all of this hurts him. You will have to concede at some point.” Athena says “No I don’t. I don’t have to concede anything. I’ve conceded enough. Let him suffer and rot till he comes before my doorstep and begs for mercy. Which I don’t see him ever doing either. Knights only beg when they are truly contrite in their hearts. Have either of you seen him beg?” Ophelia says looking to either of them as they both look at her – truth in both their eyes. He had not. “Then the debts of the pain incurred of both the past and the present must be paid in full and in kind before he can come home to open doors and open arms once more. If he’s not willing to put in the work or the time, then all his pleading is for not, and he has no choice but to live in the false fantasy of the world he has built for himself. If that glass castle, is the one he prefers; then I hope he is wise enough to not throw any stones at us for holding to our values.”

And there was no more to be said after that.

[apompkwrites]

I love the streamer au of both xiao and albedo! I was wondering if I could request a scenario where they both try and save up primogems so they can pull us? What do you think their reaction would be if they pulled us? Thanks in advance!!

reader impact || character event wish

series masterlist characters: xiao, albedo genre: fluff summary: your character exclusive banners have been released! will our streamers have any luck pulling you? notes: hehe time to roll! sad boy hours bc childe’s probably not coming home for me :(( i wish everyone else good luck on who they want, though!

invitation to mundane life (xiao) -

he rarely uses social media.

he doesn't really involve himself in it too much and only uses it to alert his viewers of upcoming streams.

imagine his surprise when he's waiting for people to enter his genshin stream when they tell him that there's a new playable character: you.

just like when he first met you, he practically shuts down.

the character he had loved and admired for so long is now able to be in his party forever?!?!??!

he doesn't understand the gacha/pity system but he'll learn it just for you.

he'd definitely host a watch party the day you drop to watch your trailers.

"why is their trailer so sad???"

this boy cannot handle your backstory in the trailer.

he just wants to keep you safe :((

(even if you'd be the one protecting him)

now, he's normally not one to pay for things in games since he prefers to use his money for essentials.

for you, though, he will empty his entire bank account for you.

he buys the blessing of the welkin moon and is very prepared to buy genesis crystals.

he'll wish for you at the wangshu inn on the very balcony he first met you.

he'll play liyue music in the background of his stream just for you <333

he doesn't normally express his emotions, as i've said before, but here anyone could tell that he was desperate to have you on his team.

he chokes on his breath when he sees gold fly across his stream.

please both he and his chat are begging for it to be you.

he's skipping through all the weapons and cursing whoever is making him wait until the end of his roll to find out whether or not it's you.

(name): ★★★★★

and he's gone.

like he falls out of his chair when he sees it's you.

his chat is VERY torn between laughing at him and congratulating him.

his body hurts but it was worth it to see you on his screen <3

he doesn't understand the appeal of getting good weapons purposefully but you bet he's gonna whale for yours.

he doesn't care that it's good, even though that's a bonus. all he really cares about is that it's your weapon, no one elses.

also you look cute af with it don't @ him.

obviously you're going straight into his party. and every other party he owns.

and any bosses you're fighting? you're there.

his chat's yelling at him because your element isn't good against this boss.

you know what this man says?

"too bad. (name) supremacy."

you’re the reason he smiles so much, hun <33

secretum secretorum (albedo) -

please he stocked up on primogems ever since he reacted to your update.

he's so excited to see what your attacks are since he purposefully avoided seeing them.

he's got over thirty (30) wishes worth of primogems and his wallet is sitting on his desk.

he promises his chat he'll watch the character trailer and demo after he gets you because he wants everything to be a surprise.

he starts the stream by showing off all of the drawings he's made over the time waiting for you to be released <3

he gets a bunch of donations from people wishing him luck and telling him that the money is exclusively to wish for you.

we love his supportive audience.

he will stream the very day you are released. he's on it within the first few minutes of launch.

finally, it's time to wish.

of course, he'll do all his daily commissions to get all those extra primogems just in case ;)

"the time has come."

by the time he's ready to wish for you, he's up in dragonspine in your little workplace.

his chat is spamming good luck messages and emotes (all of which were you that he made during one of his streams).

he's actually really nervous.

he knows he'll get you because he'll spend all of his money just to do it, but there's still that underlying fear hidden in his body.

he just wants you in his party because he knows he won't be able to get you after the banner is done.

it takes a few pulls but about four (4) minutes in, he sees the familiar golden comet fly across his stream.

both him and his chat are freaking out.

"please come home please come home please come home please come home."

AND YOU CAME HOME.

AND NOW HE'S DYING.

PLEASE YOU'RE SO COOL AND ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND

his chat pushes for him to wish for your weapon.

only the best for the chief alchemist that stole his heart <3

luckily, he got it with his remaining wishes.

he exits the wish menu so fast and places you in the first slot of his party.

before he even starts to use you, he will use the camera feature and just zoom in.

"look at them. look at how amazing they are. look."

he can and will show you off every chance he gets.

immediately begins leveling you up and ascending you because of course he spent the past few weeks grinding for all of your materials.

he will his highest artifacts away from his other characters just to give them to you.

over the days your banner is active, you best bet he's continuing to wish for you so that he can get you to c6 (which he does because you deserve the best).

you are the very first character he gets to friendship lvl 10. no matter how long he's had the other characters, you are the first.

expect the next few art streams to be based on you once again.

he will draw every voiceline he unlocks.

his stream overlay is now based on you and the background is your friendship card.

his cute little chalk ruler has stolen his heart <3

[amxranthiine]

imagine being the ex-friend of the slytherin crew. [she/her] (no voldy bc ew)

had this thought at 3am last night while fangirling with my friend last night. sorry for any errors <3

angst, mentions of parents disowning child, blood prejudice, mention of childhood/forbidden crush

- [ ] you had known draco, blaise, theo, pansy, astoria and daphne since you were very young.

- [ ] since you all were two to be exact. your parents were close and your birthdays weren't too far apart, so it was only natural that you all became a crew growing up, anxiously waiting for your eleventh birthdays.

- [ ] you all were inseparable. you learned to fly together, talk together, walk together... hell, you had all learned you were wizards together.

- [ ] you were always closer to blaise than the rest of the crew. you were younger than him, though not by much, and he seemed protective over you. as inseparable the rest of you were, blaise couldn't go anywhere without you, and the same goes for you to him.

- [ ] how ecstatic you were when you all got your hogwarts letters! you were going to be in the same year and hopefully, probably, the same house!

- [ ] it was expected of you all to be in slytherin, all coming from very long lines of prestigious pureblood serpents.

- [ ] the other six were more than confident that they would all be in slytherin together. you? not so much.

- [ ] you were very nervous, to say the least. you didn't portray the slytherin traits as much as the others.

- [ ] and when pansy or blaise would try to reassure you that it would be fine, you couldn't help but wonder if they were trying to convince you or themselves.

- [ ] and because you didn't portray the serpent traits, that made them all extremely protective of you. blaise especially, draco and theo coming close in second, and the girls just wanted to make sure you were okay.

- [ ] but the moment the sorting hat yelled out a name that wasn't slytherin, everything stopped.

- [ ] your friendships with your lifelong friends, your crush on blaise (okay, that didn't go away), everything you grew up with just... disappeared.

- [ ] your now ex-friends wanted nothing to do with you, even your parents didn't want to speak to you. your housemates were cruel, jesting about how you were a stain on their house, and a snake deep down.

- [ ] it was safe to say you had no one.

- [ ] the crew started being mean to you somewhere around christmas of first year. before then, they had just ignored you. just like everyone else.

- [ ] after christmas though... they seemed to have a new hatred for you.

- [ ] especially blaise, which hurt the most. you swore you were seeing things when you thought you saw sadness somewhere in his eyes whenever he was rude to you.

- [ ] you were alone for the remainder of first year, and for the first two months of second.

- [ ] that's when you met luna, neville and ginny. you guys were thick as thieves, and for the first time for two years, you were actually happy.

- [ ] of course, your childhood friends were still mean to you, nothing had really changed on that part. but you were... happier, and that hurt them. because you happier without them, and that wasn't how it was supposed to be.

- [ ] they supposed they should be glad that you were doing better. last year, they were going mad out of worry for you. apparently you had stayed at hogwarts for christmas out of request from your parents, and it was christmas day when the adults told the rest of them to stop associating with you.

- [ ] it remained fairly passive over the next few years, you remained close with luna, neville and ginny, and had even befriended the golden trio and the twins!

- [ ] the serpent squad didn't like that too much, but they supposed your current friends were better than no friends, and as long as you were happy, they were happy

- [ ] but they still continue their kind-of bullying. they weren't as cruel to you as they were to others, but words still hurt and boy do they have a snake's tongue on them.

- [ ] blaise could hardly stand being away from you but his mother had made him swear that he would not associate with you, the blood traitor.

- [ ] all he wanted to do was hold you, but he rather bullied you instead.

- [ ] it was the beginning of sixth year when draco and pansy had gone too far. the other four were just watching blankly, trying not to let their discomfort show as the two reprimanded you, mocked you, and insulted you in the middle of the great hall. calling you a blood traitor, a stain of your family name and house name, and even going as far as saying "no wonder your parents don't want you, just look at you!" while the all the slytherins around them laughed. or at least, pretended to.

- [ ] you had looked at them for a long time, teary eyed and red faced, just trying to understand what you did to deserve this. until you nodded your head, said "okay," and walked out of the great hall.

- [ ] they heard your friends call your name, your closest ones even running after you.

- [ ] theo and blaise looked like they were about to beat draco to death, astoria and daphne were just disappointed in pansy, they knew how much she missed you, and yet she ruined any chance of you forgiving them.

- [ ] blaise eventually decided against killing the blonde and ran after you, the rest following suit after a moment.

- [ ] it didn't take them long to find you, sobbing against a wall with your head in your hands, ginny, nev and luna all crowded around you. rubbing your back and whispering reassurances in your ear.

- [ ] "i don't know what i did to deserve that," you cried, sniffling as you wiped your nose on your sleeve and looked and ginny.

- [ ] "oh love, you didn't do anything," the ginger said, wrapping her arms around you.

- [ ] "don't listen to them, y/n! they're just prats!" assured nev, leaning against the wall awkwardly, with one hand on your back.

- [ ] luna played with your hair, "yeah, y/n, they don't deserve your love and kindness."

- [ ] "thank you guys. i mean it. without you three i don't know where i would be." you laughed, but no part of it was humorous.

- [ ] draco, being the blonde he was, decided it was a good time to intervene, "hopefully alive, haha."

- [ ] the six of them had come out from around the corner, feeling ashamed and wanting to hit themselves for making you cry.

- [ ] "what do you lot wanf? haven't you done enough?" asked ginny, placing herself in front of you.

- [ ] "yes but.."

- [ ] "no, you don't get to talk. now piss off before you do even more damage."

- [ ] "we just want to apologize," said blaise.

- [ ] you scoffed, "a bit late for that."

- [ ] pansy looked down, "we're really sorry, y/n, for what just happened and for everything the past six years. you know how our families are and they told us to stop talking to you... so we did."

- [ ] all feelings of sadness were gone now, pansy's words has ignited a flame within you, one you've been holding in for years.

- [ ] "stop talking to me? so that gave you permission to be bloody awful to me? merlin's beard, you six were worse than umbridge on her bad days! you could have just... i don't know, explained what happened in first year? and apologized for abandoning me? and maybe we could still be friends! but no, you lot ruined any chance of that ever happening again. so thank you for that." you paused to take a breath. your audience was wide eyed and shocked, not quite believing you had such anger in you... but oh man, you weren't done yet.

- [ ] "and let me just say, blaise, your insults hurt the most. merlin, i thought the world of you. i thought you were my everything. but that all just went away the moment you thought not associating with me, meant making my life a living hell."

- [ ] you were, once again, crying. you took a deep breath and sadness took over you once again, you mumbled an "excuse me" and took off down the corrider.

- [ ] the serpent squad was stunned. they hadn't realised what they did effected you that much. blaise was upset with himself, disappointed, even. he felt the same about you, even if you both were too young for it to be love, and now he knew he never get it pack.

- [ ] theo cleared his throat and tried looking anywhere but at the trio in front of them, who were looking at the six with anger and disappointment.

- [ ] "you guys couldn't even begin to understand what she's been through," neville said after moments of awkward silence. "not long after the sorting ceremory, her parents sent her a letter, practically disowning her. before that, you guys abandoned her. she was alone for nearly a year and a half before we met her. and by merlin she was a wreck."

- [ ] ginny and luna chuckled, not out of humor, but out of irony. this situation was similar to the situation you were in when you met them.

- [ ] neville ignored them, and the curious stares the six were giving him, and continued, this time fueled by anger.

- [ ] "we were the ones who picked up the pieces. we were the ones who made sure she didn't die after losing everything she had ever known. we were the ones who made her smile again, happy again. we picked up the pieces because you weren't there, and you were exactly what had caused it in the first place." neville spit out the last sentence as if it were venom, hoping to hurt them as much as they hurt you.

- [ ] they were all on the verge of tears, daphne and astoria were holding each other and looked to be in the most pain, because they missed you the most.

- [ ] "i hope you lot are happy with yourselves, you're about five years to late to the pity party."

[superfics-forone]

Just Friends

SUMMARY: Sam asks the group who they think are the “hottest” members of the team. You don’t make the cute for Bucky’s top five.

Bucky x TALL!Reader

W/C: 5,800

WARNINGS: angst, swearing (like two f bombs), cannon level violence, Bucky being an idiot (it’s a warning), physical insecurities, fake science

A/N: I wrote this because the top 5 situation actually happened to me IRL and when you don’t make someone you like’s list, it sucks. Also, this is in no way meant as being against people who are smaller! I am just a tall/plus size woman and sometimes that really makes you feel like you’re unattractive to people because you don’t fit the gender norm. Let me know what you think! I’m pretty new at this so I’d appreciate the feedback!

Also, HUGE shout out to @princessmisery666 for being so patient and supportive! Thank you for being my beta! Your comments were so incredibly helpful!

The best part about working with Bucky was that you got to see him everyday. The worst part was that you were constantly reminded that he wasn’t attracted to you.

You knew you were a good looking woman, people would often tell you that. It usually happened when you weren’t necessarily feeling your prettiest. Somehow that made it worse. Others would compliment you but he never would. Even when you knew you looked good- like you had put in extra effort and actually tried that day- still he would give you nothing.

You sat across from him in the common room looking at all the other Avengers wondering why he didn’t feel the same when you finally got your answer.

“Alright man,” Sam called out to the group. “Top five, let’s go.”

“Top five?” asked Clint, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. “Top five what?”

Everyone looked back to Sam, - “Top five on who you think is lookin’ most fine”.

“You want us to rate each other?” You asked incredulously.

“Naw, man!” Sam replied. “I want to know who you think are the top five most attractive! Male and female!”

You slunk back into the sofa, both curious and terrified of the conversation to come.

You heard huffs from the others but no one objected. Vision went first and of course he could only answer with; “I believe all of you are inherently lovely. I couldn’t possibly pick a top five of those who I find to be most attractive.” As soon as he finished and the room was no longer focused on him though he leaned over to Wanda and said something in her ear that made her blush.

You brought your cup up to your lips to hide your smile. You loved how happy they were after having been through so much heartbreak.

Sam went next, “Imma say, Wanda, Nat, Gamora’s got it goin’ on…for an alien…Hill - don’t tell her I said that- and…Y/N,” he said throwing you a wink.

You smiled but shook your head with a roll of your eyes. You knew the only reason he said your name was because you were in the room. He was trying to be kind. Men didn’t seem to be actively lining up to be with you…it might have something to do with them being intimidated by you being an Avenger but who could possibly know

“Sam you would think anything with legs that gave you the time of day was hot,” Bucky shot.

The others laughed but Sam shot back, “alright, Tin Man, who’s on your list? Okoye?”

“Yeah for one! I would be dead before I could make a move but sure! She’s dangerous and stunning!” He took a swig of bourbon as if he was done.

“Alright then who else?” Wanda leaned forward winking at you.

You shot her a warning look. You had only told her how you felt about Bucky once on a drunken night after finding out he had gone on date with another recruit. Jealousy had reared its ugly head and she could feel your angst that night. You had asked Wanda how; “A tiny little thing that would barely hold her own in the ring,” could possibly catch his eye. It was as if the only thing he saw you as was an ear to listen to his problems and a soldier he could rely on in the field. You had seen them together multiple times since then and every time it pained you more.

She was everything you weren’t. Barely five foot, two inches tall with a skinny frame to match, and a nicely formed backside. In reality you couldn’t be mad at Bucky. He deserved to be happy. He was your friend and you wanted that for him. You just wanted that particular happiness too.

“Okay, okay!” Bucky’s hands came up in surrender as he finished his drink and leaned back to think, He sat so close to you his left bicep of his folded arms brushed yours with every breath he took.“Okoye? Sure…uh… in no particular order…Wanda, Nat, Darcy, and the little woman, Kris, from reception.”

“It seems, Mr. Barnes”, said Vision, “that you prefer mates who are significantly smaller than you. I do believe that of that group, Wanda is the tallest one.”

“Which isn’t really saying much because I’m only five, six”, she complained.

“The perfect height my dear.” Wanda smiled at that and kissed Vision’s cheek .

You took another long sip of your drink as you registered what had been said. Your stomach soured as you finished the glass. Not so much from the alcohol as from the realization that the man who you had secretly been pinning over didn’t even list you as attractive enough to make his top five.

You felt like you knew why. It was just too much. You weren’t small and dainty like those on his list. You had big bones and a can do attitude. You wouldn’t take crap from people. And because you were so tall you could come off as intimidating…or so some men had told you.

“I’m going to get another drink,” You whispered to no one in particular.

But Sam really couldn’t read a room and he called you out. “No, no! Who’s on your list Y/N?”

“Oh no!” You said dryly. “I’d have to be much drunker for that conversation. For now, I'll keep my opinions to myself.”

You spotted Bucky’s surprised face before you made your way over to the bar. The conversation carried on behind you as you refilled your glass. Thoughts of Bucky’s revelation clouding your mind. You were never going to be good enough for him because you were just too big. Too tall. Too much. He liked the smallest, most petite women in the compound. Feeling your emotions swelling,you decided to grab the bottle and made your way quietly out of the room while the ruckus continued.

Once on your floor you closed the door behind you with a forceful slam, “FRIDAY!! Lock the door and don’t open it for anyone!!”

“Yes, Miss Y/L/N.”

The rest of the night was spent on the floor in your sweats drinking from your bottle of whiskey and feeling sorry for yourself and all the things you couldn’t be because of biology.

You weren’t sure if it was a drunken stupor or your imagination but at one point you could have sworn you heard a knock only for it to go away just as quickly.

…

The next day you had an awful hangover and didn’t get out of bed. Bucky came to your door for your normal morning run.

“Tell him I’m not going, Friday.”

“He would like to know why, Miss.”

“Tell him it’s my time of the month.”

“Your time of the month was last week, Miss.”

“Who’s side are you on, Friday? Just tell him I’m sick.”

“Very well, Miss.”

It was silent for a few moments and you had thought that would be enough to get Bucky off your back for now.

“Mr. Barnes would like to know if you’d like to see Dr. Cho, Miss.”

“Uuuugggghhhh,” you rolled out of bed and marched over, irritated that the one person you didn’t want to see was at your door.Pulling it open with a huff you practically screamed. “What?!?”

“Woah!” Bucky jumped back startled at your disheveled appearance and puffy eyes. “I just want to make sure you’re alright, doll. You didn’t come back last night and you never answered the door when I came to check on you.”

So there was a knock last night.

You couldn’t look him in the eye as your eyes filled with tears again, this time with shame. “I’m fine, Bucky.” You started shutting the door quickly and he stuck his hand on it preventing you from closing it again.

“Y/N…what’s…”

“Bucky, I just need some rest okay?” You cut him off, “I’m fine. I promise I’ll be right as rain tomorrow.” You smiled weakly.

Bucky searched your face as if trying to find what you weren’t telling him in your eyes. But you were an Avenger and you knew how to school your features to show nothing.

Bucky sighed and shook his head, “alright, doll. I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”

“Yes, fine,” you said pushing him out the door. Your eyes had flooded with tears again. You didn’t look up to see Bucky’s hurt and concerned face as you closed the door again and put your back to it.

You held your breath listening for his footsteps to retreat before sinking to the floor and crying.

…

The next day was an all out avoid Bucky day. You weren’t sure you could take the questions and worried looks he was sure to give you. Instead, you decided that what you needed was time away from such temptation. And so, you went in to ask Steve for an overseas long assignment.

“You sure about this one, Y/N. It’s a 9 month solo mission. It’s going to be long and it’s going to be lonely.”

“Yes. I’m sure. I need some time to myself.”

Steve looked at you with understanding and pity. He could see how you felt about Bucky even if he couldn’t get his best friend to see it as well.

“Alright,” he said, “suit up. You leave in 2 hours.”

South Africa wasn’t the worst assignment. It wouldn’t take long for you to get the information you needed. And the separation from Bucky would be good for you.

You finished checking your last weapon and loaded it as well as a pair of throwing knives, a gift from Bucky, into your duffle before looking around your room one more time.

You headed to the door and almost made it out until the picture of you and Bucky on your dresser made you stop. Picking it up you smiled at the memory of the minor league baseball game you’d attended together. You had won tickets and no one else was available that night. When you’d offered the tickets to Bucky you couldn’t believe that he said yes! It was the true start of your friendship, talking about life and how much it had changed for him but also how little it had changed for you. He couldn’t believe it when you started singing all the words to “I’ll never smile again”.

“You think I don’t know music? I’m quite cultured, Mr. Barnes!” You had said with a laugh.

“I never said you weren’t, sweetheart!”

Coming back out of your revelry with a start you put the picture back down on the dresser and turned to the door. You were going to get over this infatuation, even if it killed you. Supposedly time heals all wounds. Well you weren’t sure if there was ever going to be enough time but you could get distance.

…

Hours later Bucky came in to tell you about the relationship problems he was having with the girl from reception. She just didn’t seem to understand him and kept picking fights. You had become his confidant and had saved his relationship once before so would most likely be able to do it again.

He was almost to your room when he noticed your door was ajar. Slowing he moved closer and pushed it in silently. The room was neat and quiet. Your bed folded nicely as though it was always that way.

Bucky knew that you never made your bed until you were right about to get in it. Or unless you were going on a trip.

Checking carefully he started to notice things missing. Your favorite slippers were gone. Your tooth brush and favorite stuffed animal turtle were also missing. All of the things that you felt you had to have with you were gone.

Then he saw the picture frame on the dresser. Picking it up he too smiled at the memory, then frowned. It was still here. You almost always took this with you. Why was it still here but everything else you held of value was gone.

“Friday, where is Y/N?”

“Miss Y/L/N has volunteered for a mission, sir.”

“Where?”

“That information is classified.”

“Okay, when will she be back?”

“That information is classified.”

“Alright, who else went on the mission,” he asked hoping whoever it was would have your back.

“All other Avengers are currently in the compound.”

“So she went by herself?” Bucky fumed.

“That information is classified.”

“Damn robots!”

Bucky stormed out and found Steve in the kitchen.

“Where did you send her, punk!

Steve didn’t even look up from his newspaper, knowing exactly what his best friend was talking about.

“She’ll be fine, Buck. She just needs some time to herself.”

“So send her to Fiji! Not a solo mission!!”

“This is her call Bucky. You’ve got to trust her.”

Bucky spun on his heel and headed to the computer lab. He knew he was being irrational but if no one else was going to look after your well-being then he was going to have to do it himself.

It took him all day but he finally unencrypted the files for your mission. You were to carry out a recon mission in Port Elizabeth on a supposed Hydra base. It was a far cry from Fiji but you wouldn’t be in immediate danger.

Still he came in everyday to check in on your reports and find out how the events in the country were progressing. He had even convinced Torres to help him set up notifications to his phone if something were to go wrong. He had, very nicely, threatened him with knives if he didn’t set up Stark’s satellite to keep an eye on you.

After three weeks he was really starting to miss your company. Every time he went out with Kris from reception he realized that she just wasn’t as interesting as you. They didn’t have the same camaraderie and chemistry as the two of you did.

So when his phone dinged at 2:30am he looked at the notification. It was a satellite image of you on your apartment porch drinking coffee. You seemed at ease and calm at your small table. Your hair down and wearing a long red dress. He went to the live feed of the satellite but when he did you weren’t there.

Bucky refreshed the page again thinking it may be just an error. But his rising heartbeat made him think differently. When the screen came back he noticed the upturned coffee mug and the newspapers on the ground.

Bucky flew from his bed and raced down the hall to the command room. Steve and Tony were already there, still in their pajamas.

“…it’s not as if she has a tracker in her, Stark!”

“Well maybe she should! Maybe we should make it a standard issue! Everyone gets a tracker! Friday! Make a note!”

“Yes sir.” replied the AI.

“Tony, we need to focus on the…”

“Where is she?!” Bucky growled.

Both men turned around in surprise. Steve recovered first, his eyes sympathetic for his friend’s worry. “We’re not sure, Buck. These images were only taken 4 hours ago.” He clicked to zoom in closer, “but we did get this.”

He zoomed all the way into the kitchen window behind where you’d sat drinking coffee, where a face reflected in the glass. Bucky looked on in rage, hands in tight fists, as the image became clearer and Zemo came into focus.

…

You awoke with a start, unaware of your surroundings. You sat on a bed in a bare room with a single one way mirror. A metal chair sat by the wall and you noticed no handle on the door. Trying to piece together what had happened you recalled your last memory.

A beautiful morning, the sun shining on the water, a freshly brewed cup of coffee. You sat in your apartment in Port Elizabeth, a pain in your neck…

“Zemo,” you whispered.

“Ah, you’re awake,” said the speaker above you. “I’m sorry about the dramatics but it was necessary. You’re a very important piece of the puzzle.”

“Let me guess,” you said as you rolled your eyes. “You don’t like the way the world is being saved by the Avengers and you think you could do better.”

“Actually I want something else, мой дорогой. I need you.”

“What?” you cried befuddled. “Why on earth would you need me?”

“Do you know what TX-39 is?”

“Yes, I have an entire codex of arbitrary numbers logged away in my brain,” you retorted.

Zemo didn’t pause at your sarcasm. “TX-39 is the compound used to create nucleotides that bond onto nerve endings. By doing so they suspend brain signals stopping all neuro function and rendering the subject immoble. Something you have experienced first hand. By combining a nanotech inhibitor with this nerve ending your subject’s direct motor function is now open to...suggestions.”

You sat astounded as you registered what he had told you. You looked down at your hands but you didn’t feel different. There was no way something like this could work.

“What better way to get rid of a super soldier than to create your own?” Zemo said. You felt a slight buzz in your spine as you stood up quickly trying to resist. Running to the mirror you pulled back your arm, ready to punch your way out, but an inch from the glass your arm stopped. “Ironic that the Soldat will come to save you, only to be the one who needs to be saved.” With that you felt the electricity in your spine disappear and your body was your own again.

Frustration built within you as you sat back on the bed for a moment processing his statement. Your face became more and more incredulous until finally you burst out laughing. You continued laughing harder and harder at the absurdity of Zemo’s reasoning.

“You think I’m the one he is going to come after,” you laughed. “You think you picked the right mouse for your trap? You’re going to wait a long time if you think he’s going to come and get me.”

During your first few weeks away you had missed Bucky fiercely. Leaving him behind so abruptly had felt like severing a part of yourself, but the last few weeks had been good for you. You had forgotten what it was like to rely on yourself. You had grown into yourself again and had realized how little Bucky had actually cared for you when he never came to find you. He hadn’t so much as picked up the phone after you had left. It was as if you had never existed in the first place.

“Bucky doesn’t care about me,” you said sardonically. “He never has. We are barely even friends.You picked the wrong mouse, Zemo. ”

“We’ll see, дорогой,” and with a click he was gone.

Your brain shifted in and out of the conversation with Zemo. Looking down at your hands, you prayed it wasn’t true. You knew that what had happened at the window was real but you didn’t want to believe it. You had been turned into a weapon to hurt your friends. To hurt Bucky.

Crossing your arms over your chest you laid down on the bed, rolled over to face the wall, and cried.

…

Avengers Compound

“There is a five mile radius around Agent Y/L/N last known location,” said Fury. “Two man teams will sweep the area in a grid formation while the drones scan for energy signatures. Any questions?”

All those around the table sat silent, but nodded confirmation of their understanding of the objective. Fury looked around the room, “This mother fucker took one of ours and I wanna know why. Let’s get going.”

Bucky stood up from the table and made his way out of the room to the Quinjet hangar. Steve pulled on his arm before entering the plane. “I know what’s going through your mind right now Buck, but we are going to get her back”.

Bucky looked at the ground before raising his eyes to his friend. “He knew how to get to me, Steve. He always knows where to hurt me. He couldn’t use you. You’re too difficult to overpower. So he had to pick her. I just,” Bucky wasn’t sure how to finish his thought. Words never came easily to him and he wasn’t sure he could really express what he was feeling. “I just want her safe.”

After you had left Bucky felt hollow inside. He hadn’t realized how much joy you brought to his day with your smiles and jokes. Always knowing what to say, or at least, what he needed to hear. Your departure made him realize he needed you. Boarding the jet Bucky knew that no matter what happened he was going to tell you how he felt.

…

The team had been sweeping through the city for what felt like hours and there still hadn’t been any developments. Walking through another alleyway Bucky scanned the cobblestone streets. He was beginning to lose hope at ever finding you at all when he saw an uneven line in between two buildings.

Pressing his comm link he called out, “Steve, I’ve got something. I’m going to check it out.”

“Bucky, wait for backup. We’ll come to you.”

Feeling along the wall Bucky felt a draft between the cracks. Unholstering the gun at his hip he pushed against the wall feeling it give way.

“I’m going in. Follow my location.”

“Bucky, wait!” Steve called.

Bucky ignored his calls and continued down the dimly lit hall. The walls opened up to a staircase leading down to a command room. The musky scent of decay and scotch filled Bucky’s nostrils.

“Privet, Soldat,” Zemo called from the darkness.

Bucky whirled around to find nothing.

“Have you come for your little mouse?”

Still searching, Bucky said nothing as the sound came from a different corner of the room.

“Have you realized how much you miss her?”

Bucky circled again, coming up to a window.

“I wonder what it is? Is it her sweetness that draws you? Or her willingness to see you for more than the killer you are?”

Bucky frowned. Zemo was playing with him.

“Or have you realized that her fire is what draws you to her? She does have a talented tongue. I’ve seen her put it to good use,” Zemo provoked. “I have enjoyed having her in my company, but it seems you really never appreciated her spirit, did you?”

Bucky continued searching the room as Zemo continued his monologue. Coming up to the computer he saw a paused video feed. It played as soon as he stepped forward.

Bucky saw you in a room, still in your red sundress. Your hair was matted and you had the look in your eye of anger and exasperation. When you spoke, Bucky felt the wind rush out of his lungs.

“Bucky doesn’t care about me,” you said sardonically. “He never has. We are barely even friends.”

“A pity she never saw you care, but I suppose it’s only fair that you tell her now.”

The door beside the window clicked open with a beep. You came out of the cell with a look of wary surprise on your face. “Bucky?”

“Now is your moment, Sergeant Barnes. Why not tell her how you feel before it's too late,” called Zemo.

Bucky holstered his gun and walked toward you. “Y/N? Are you okay? Come on, let's get out of here.”

He grabbed your hand and turned to go but you were rooted to the spot. Your breathing became heavy as you felt the tingling sensation in your spine again.

“Bucky, I need you to leave,” you cried, dread dripping from your voice.

“What? No,sweetheart, come on! I’m not leaving you.”

“Bucky, I…” you started.

“Last chance to declare yourself, Soldat.”

Looking up in anger, Bucky yelled. “Shut up, Zemo. I’m not performing for you-” Bucky’s head turned in surprise as you punched him across the face. “What the hell, Y/N?”

“It wasn’t me!” you cried as you dropped and kicked his legs out from under him.

Bucky rolled over quickly to pick himself up as you followed him swinging punches at his head and kicks to his stomach. Your moves were both erratic and efficient as they landed multiple times. It was all Bucky could do to block your assault and move out of the way.

“This isn’t me!” you cried again between punches. “Zemo is controlling me with nanotech!”

Bucky threw up an arm to block your punch before flipping you around by your arm and pressing you to the wall. He didn’t want to hurt you but he was pretty sure that it wasn’t the most comfortable position.

“It’s okay, Y/N. We’re going to get you out of this.”

Your foot kicked his leg and you pushed yourself over and around his head and away from the wall. Grabbing the knife at his hip as you slipped out of his grip, you threw it into his thigh.

Bucky looked at you in surprise and annoyance. “Sorry!” you winced. Pulling the knife from his leg he tossed it to the floor.

“Look, Y/N. I’m not going anywhere, but try not to kill me, okay?”

“It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose Bucky!” you huffed as you charged at him.

“Well I’m just trying to get you out of the problem you put yourself in!” You had grabbed another knife and went to stab him. Bucky caught the knife and twisted your hand but the knife snagged your dress and tore the skirt as you fought to wrestle it away.

Your eyes flared with anger and the next punch you threw had a little extra heft in it.

“That I put myself in? How about you, Mr. Barge-into-a-room-with-no-back-up!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you liked being saved! Although you’re one to talk! You came on a mission without backup!” Bucky rolled across the computer console out of the way of your next kick, getting agitated at your attitude.

“Because I needed space!” you yelled as you followed him around the computer desk.

“Space? Space from what?” Bucky yelled back, actually throwing a punch that you easily evaded.

“You! You idiot!” it burst out of you as you came up swinging before pushing him to the ground.

Bucky looked up at you with his eyes wide. You had him straddled under your legs. Bucky brought his arms up to block your punches while he tried to talk to you.

“Why would you need space from me? I don’t understand. You left without warning, without saying goodbye! Your mission was classified so I had to hack F.R.I.D.A.Y to even find out where you were!”

Your body was starting to fatigue from the strain of the fight as you continued to land blow after blow. You were fit and well trained but because your body was not your own you were blowing through energy rapidly. Your breaths were coming in short gasps as your chest heaved at each punch. If you kept this up, you weren’t sure how much time you would have before your body gave out entirely.

“Y/N, you left a huge gap! You were my best friend and then you were gone! You wouldn’t even talk to me before you left! You didn’t tell me you were leaving. I couldn’t even call you because the mission was supposed to be classified!”

Maybe it was the fatigue, maybe the hopelessness you felt, but you gave him everything you had left as you pummeled into him. Frustration over your situation, frustration at him, frustration at yourself built up inside you.

“I WILL NOT BE YOUR STAND IN! I will not be second best. I can’t look on anymore as you find someone smaller, cuter, littler to fit perfectly into your life! I deserve to be wanted! I deserve to be desired!” you screamed at the man beneath you as tears streamed down your cheeks.

Bucky finally bucked his hips and flipped you under him, pinning your hands to the ground next to your head.

“Get off of me! Let me go!” you had finally had enough. The damn had broken and your emotions and insecurities raged inside you. Your body pulled and twisted to break free from his grip.

“You do deserve to be desired,” Bucky said calmly as he caged you beneath him. “You are nobody's stand in. You’re perfect just as you are.” He wanted to say more but it was all he could do to keep you pinned under him.

The team burst down into the control room to see you openly weeping and Bucky on top of you.

“Nat, I need you to put an electric burst in my arm.” Bucky said looking up.

“I’m sorry, you what?” asked Nat.

“Just do it!” he said as you fought harder against him.

With a nod from Steve, Nat waved her baton and zapped Bucky’s arm causing both of you to scream in pain. When your body finally stopped seizing, the lack of adrenaline and the pain and fatigue caught up to you and you passed out in Bucky’s arms.

“You want to explain why I just pushed fifty thousand volts through you two?”

“Zemo infected her with some kind of nano tech. She hasn’t been in control this entire time.”

Steve scanned around the room. “Alright team, fan out. See if you can find out where Zemo went. I want teams down here with sat links up in 30 minutes.”

Bucky circled the gears around in his arm to get it up and running again before scooping you carefully off the ground.

“Buck, get her on the next jet out. Dr. Cho and Banner will be waiting for you to get back.”

…

For the second time you woke up in an unfamiliar place, and struggled to get your bearings. You felt like you’d been run over by a pick up truck and tumbled through a dryer.

Feeling slowly returned to your hands as your eyes opened and your vision cleared. You were in one of the medical rooms at the compound you realized.

“Look who decided to wake up,” said a gruff voice.

Turning your head you saw Bucky sitting in the chair beside you. He looked fresh and his eyes twinkled at you.

“Bucky,” you croaked as you tried to sit up.

“Woah there. You just relax. Your body is still trying to catch up from Zemo’s nanites.”

You slumped back down in the bed as Bucky leaned forward to take your hand.

“You had me worried there for a minute, doll. You’ve been sleeping for days. Wasn’t sure when you were going to pull through.”

“You doubt me, Barnes?”

“Not for a second, sweetheart, but I sure as hell missed you.” Bucky smiled, then looked down for a moment as if trying to find the right words. “We need to talk about why you left, Y/N.”

“No, Bucky, I...it doesn’t matter.” You say looking away. “It’s not important.”

“I don’t know, I’d say you thinking you don’t matter to me is pretty important.” You turned to look at him sharply, mouth open in a small gasp. “And I’d also say that you thinking I don’t find you desirable is pretty important too.”

You sat in shock as he spoke, not wanting to break the way you had during your fight.

“Y/N, you are perfect. You knew me before I even knew myself. You light up the whole room just by being in it. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You are strong, independent, kind, and gentle. You’re like a tall Asgardian goddess. Every inch of you is beautiful. I thought back to the last time we talked...before you left, and I realized why you did. I know why you thought I wasn’t attracted to you. That night, Sam’s list,” he paused as if pained at the memory, “I didn’t add you because...well, because I was so confused at how I was feeling. You were my friend. I didn’t realize till it was too late that I was already falling in love with you. And I most definitely didn’t want to give Sam anymore ammunition.”

You looked up at him sharply when he dropped the L word.

Bucky stood to reposition himself on the edge of your bed. Taking your face in his hands he leans forward until your foreheads barely touch. “I didn’t want to ruin things with you. You were my friend. You were perfect and I thought you deserved better so I ran to find something that was everything you weren’t. You are my perfect fit. You are just right. You are the only person I want. Please tell me you’re mine. Please tell me I haven’t lost you.”

You brought your hand up to rest over his as you let his words wash over you.

He wanted you. He thought you were beautiful. All of you. All of the parts people had told you were too much: your height, your attitude, your independence - he wanted it all.

You did something that you wanted to do for months, you brought your lips up to his softly and gave him a chaste kiss. “I was always yours Bucky,” You pulled his hands down and pushed him away to look into his eyes, “but I won’t be taken for granted anymore. I shouldn’t have to leave for you to want me. I shouldn’t have to be gone for you to realize what you had. I left for a reason. It was to find peace with myself. I realized that I didn’t need your approval. I didn’t need your desire to be whole. I won’t settle for someone who can’t see what’s right in front of them. I know my worth.”

Bucky looked at you sorrowfully as he held onto your fingers, memorizing their shape. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel like you weren’t enough.”

“I know, but it happened. I don’t need you to be happy, Bucky...” Bucky hung his head in dejection. “...But I do want you.”

Bucky looked up at you sharply to find your eyes full of love and warmth. You wanted him. Even after all that happened - how he forced you away, how he made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you were still willing to forgive him. You wanted him even with all his faults.

You brought him closer for another kiss and savored the way his lips fell across yours. Breaking away to look up at him you said what you had been holding in for months, “And I love you too.”

Tags: @princessmisery666 @dreamwritesimagines

[keysmashingfantasies]

Bloody Comfort

pre borderlands!Niragi x fem!reader / Niragi x fem!reader

A/N: ��i feel like i only post Marvel on this blog and i missed my show so here it is, finally an AiB fic! :D also, minigame: how many alice in wonderland references can you spot? also also, bloody comfort is an awesome name for a band and if you do name your band that, i want my money. enjoy the fic! also also also i didn’t proofread SHIT so sorry for any grammar mistakes.

trigger warning: bullying, mentions of violence (nothing too graphic, i think but beware nonetheless), death (graphic. i mean, i’m not that good of a writer but still, beware), very slight mentions of nsfw, especially torwards the end, niragi (HE’S A WARNING OK), niragi having disturbing thoughts (what else is new. but fr, ok), sliiiiiight yandere niragi torwards the end. (also I tried not to describe in too much detail the bullying that niragi and the reader suffer in the fic so it wouldn’t be too sad). 

@dreamingofanisland here it is bestie! 

Niragi couldn’t pinpoint when he stopped being sad and when he started getting angry. From a suffocating hopelessness came a desperation he could only describe as feral. He often fantasized about just jumping over his desk and strangling each one of them to death but his thoughts quickly ended with Niragi envisioning himself being overpowered and beaten. He started to not only get angry at his bullies, but people in general. Things. Life.

How could so many people turn a blind eye? How could life be so unfair to give people like this the upperhand and not him? Not him that clearly deserved it? This world was backwards.

-

He knew he was fucked when he saw the bat, and although he braced for the impact he couldn’t help but fall to his knees and wince at the sickening sound that the baseball did in contact with his nose.

He just sat there and while all he wanted to do was to rip their throats with his teeth all he did was to endure a few more punches before they left with a promise that there would be more. He sat there trying not to cry with sheer frustration. His papers were scattered around, the left arm of his glasses was broken and his pristine black outfit was now covered in dust from the gravel, his hands scratched. He could taste blood on his tongue and he felt a sick satisfaction, pretending for one moment that it was another person’s blood he was tasting.

“Do you need help?”, a voice woke him from his violent daydreams. Suddenly everything boiled over and he felt an overwhelming anger rise inside of him. In a blink of an eye he was standing up, yelling at a somewhat blurry image of a girl who he towered over, even more as she shrunk under his anger. If he wouldn’t be so busy screaming profanities, he would be madly aroused.

“WHAT, HUH? CAME TO SEE THE SHOW? TO LAUGH AT ME?”, he was furious, and as he approached her, she proceeded to walk back.

“No. I just wanted to help”, she said. It seemed another flash and suddenly he could see a bit clearer. Although startled, she didn’t seem afraid of him, and was extending him a tissue. “Your nose is bleeding”, she said, and Niragi wanted to scoff at her for stating the obvious. But she was being kind. And as angry as he was, kindness wasn’t something that he could say no to. He tried his best to control his shaky hands as he took the tissue from her hands and carefully dabbed his nose, as she ducked to collect his papers, and tuck them back into his bag.

“Saw what they did to you. ‘m sorry”, she mumbled. Niragi wanted to strangle her out of sheer embarrassment.

“And you just took some popcorn and enjoyed the spectacle?”, he spat.

“I wanted to help but I wasn’t sure what to do. Would you rather if I had called someone?”, she asked. He breathed once, twice. She wasn’t mocking him, but was unnervingly calm. Something about her being calm while he was practically foaming at the mouth had him seeing red and suddenly he regret having wiped the blood off of his lips.

“No”, he said, calmly. “No, I wouldn’t. Sorry. I have to go”, he said, ripping his bag from her hands with such force that he tugged her arm with it.

“Wait! I mean what I said! I want to help!”

“You, help me? What are you going to do, huh? Be my bodyguard?”, he mocked her one more time. He couldn’t help himself, his brain got used to this. Fight or flight. His adrenaline was pumping and everytime he was around school grounds he looked over his shoulder.

“Hmmm, sorta? Not exactly but I could show you a place. A safe place”, she said. He just looked at her.

“If we get there and it’s a prank of some sort I’ll let you punch me. Square in the face”, she said.

“Are you insane? You just go around letting people punch you in the face?”, his mouth was quicker than his brains and suddenly he felt his face grow hot at the irony of what he had said. But if she noticed it, she didn’t mention.

“Let me help you”, she said.

And he did.

He followed her through a wooded area near the school grounds after walking through a hole in a fence.

He was getting ready to beat you to the punch and hit you so hard that you’d bleed as hard as he did, until you stopped until you reached a very underwhelming toolshed with a padlock.

“We’re here”, you said, and he realized that she sounded different. All this time she was on edge. ‘Of course, Suguru, you threatened the girl like, 3 times’, said the voice in the back of his head. She pulled a key from her bag and the padlock opened easily and they heavy chains fell to the ground and she pushed open the door, going inside. He hesitantly followed.

The inside is nothing as he thought it would be. For starters, it was surprisingly clean and  it didn’t smell bad. And instead of tools and brooms and leafblowers, it had bean bags, blankets, a table with a radio full of knickknacks in the corner and a chair that had clearly seen better days but looked comfortable none the less. The girl walked to a corner of the room and his eyes followed her as she closed the door, which had small sharpie drawings on it. She reached for a white box and settled it on the floor between the two bean bags, and reached inside a very small thermos to pull out an artificially blue isotonic drink and settled it down too. Then from the plastic bag he previously assumed was trash, she pulled a bag of chips.

She then patted the bean bag next to hers. “Welcome to my clinic”, she said, placing the white box on her lap.

-

After an entire afternoon of bonding over unhealthy food and an impromptu first aid rescue, Niragi learned that her name was Y/N, she was a year below and that this little world she created was her refuge from the girls in her class that picked on her.

“I found this and decided that it would be nice. No one’s using it, it’s far from everything. It’s on the Beheaded Woman’s territory”.

Niragi heard the rumors through his bullies. “One day we’ll drag you to the Beheaded Woman’s woods and fucking kill you”.  After further investigation, he learned that allegedly a girl was dragged through the woods and beheaded with a blunt axe.

“I made the rumors up. I had to make sure no one would find my safe haven”, she explained. “And once you write something in the girls’ bathroom stall, there’s no turning back. It’s out there and it’s truth”, she sighed. “I would know”.

He wasn’t the most up to date in all the gossip but she told him her story. The rumors they spread, the things they did to her. She almost seemed amused. He in turn told her his story. By the end of it, he could kill someone. She then offered him the other key to her safe haven.

“You can decorate it too. Don’t tell anyone else and make sure to lock it after you use it. Use it as much as you want, just make sure they don’t follow you, okay?”

He took the keys with shakey hands, a knot on his throat. Another type of adrenaline was pumping through his veins. When a few moments ago there were a fast white heat, coursing through him like an electric current, this was slow and almost overwhelmingly warm, like molten lava.

“Why are you doing this? Being so nice to me?”, he whispered as if it was a secret, as if this moment was another fantasy, a deer that’s easily spooked. He had fantasized about this too. A safe haven, an ally. A friend.

“Because we’re the same, you and I”.

-

You hated him. You hated him with a burning passion. What was at first an act of pity, born from the empathy you felt by seeing someone go through what you did, quickly became a friendship and like a disease, it spread to beyond your safe haven. You would spend your free time together, walk home together. You became friends. And what did he do? Exactly what he told you he would.

“Sometimes don’t you wish to disappear?”, he whispered to you once.

“Yeah. Like, run away? Yeah, I do”, you replied agreeing with him.

 ‘You’re the only one that understands me. We really are the same’, he would say. What at the beginning of your budding crush on him gave you butterflies on the stomach now made you want to throw up.

You lost your only friend. You despised the sound of music now, because every single song you heard, you shared with him. For the same reason, you didn’t enjoy your favorite movies anymore. Your bullies banded together to target you. And the worst part of all, is that you couldn’t even care. There was no silver lining anymore.

“Don’t you get furious?! Don’t you want to hurt them, make them pay?”, he said as he watched you apply concealer to a bruised cheek.

“I mean, I get angry but I try my best to not let it get to me. It’s what they want. I despise those people, I can’t get in a funk because of them”, you said nonchalantly.

But you had loved him. And now you felt like even moving around was an herculean task, like you were almost dead trying to get to safety. But there was no safety anymore.

Ironically, you started to understand him more and more after he disappeared. The anger, the hatred. How could anyone just follow their lives? When there’s people like you just suffering through yours?

Suguru Niragi was an illness, a parasite. He carved his way under your skin and into your heart, laid eggs of his hate on your veins and sucked you dry of your life’s essence. Then, after you were a shell of a human, he disappeared out of thin air, leaving you alone. Leaving you with those people. Leaving you to die.

And you were still in love with him.

-

You thought you were finally insane when it happened.

The streets were empty. Absolutely no one. You wondered for a moment if you felt so alone that your mind convinced itself that that’s exactly what had happened, if any moment now you would be locked in an insane asylum for running around and screaming until you throat got raw.

It took you two games to understand what was going on. You made sure to change clothes. Running shoes, leggings and a warm hoodie that you never let the hood down. You decided to significantly shorten your hair after you saw a man pull a young girl by the ponytail in a spades game. You loaded a backpack with food and bottles of water, anything you could find. And an axe that you took from an emergency box from the building you slept in.

It was on your 5th game that it happened. You saw people die in these games, but none of it was hands on for you. You just watched your back and hoped to win and let whoever was running this show take care of the rest. Honestly, you didn’t even wait to know if anyone even survived. You were done doing that.

When you got there, there were five people already. They banded together and whispered amongst themselves as you passed them by and grabbed a phone. Probably just a group of friends that got stranded at the same time and decided to stay together. You clutched you axe harder.

You didn’t even realize that you had zoned out until you heard hollering and four guys heavily armed walked you by. Where the fuck did they get guns? One of them let out a boisterous laugh that reminded you of someone that you wanted desperately to forget. You couldn’t even get over him during fucking Saw? That sound made your skin crawl.

Registration closed, said the mechanic voice. Difficulty: 8 of clubs. The first 5 players will be the first team and the last 5 players will be the second. One team must eliminate the others without losing any players. Both teams will be identified by the color of your screen, and will have one minute to hide.

You saw the armed guys’ screens light up red. You sighed in relief as yours did too. You made sure to keep your head down and thank whoever that not killing teammates was a part of the rules. They seemed amused and absolutely calm, and the guy with the rifle laughed again. You were shaking by now.

When the minute started, everyone bolted in different directions. You didn’t even look back to see if your teammates had accompanied you but by the sound of your footsteps crushing leaves, you were alone. You decided to go back after a while, looking around. A lamppost. Huh, lamppost it is. You leaned against the cool metal and focused on the silence. The minute had ended but they were still hunting. You didn’t come across anyone, which was good. After a while, all you could hear were distant gunshots.

You looked to the floor, only to see a shadow approaching you quick. You barely had time to dodge before a man hit you behind the head with a rock. You reacting made him lose his balance, falling to the floor and letting go of the rock. You looked at him. It was one of the boys from the other team. He had on a white button up blouse and a black hoodie. His hair had fallen over his brown eyes and he looked so scared and so alone.

This will have to do.

You didn’t stop, suddenly lifting the axe and bringing it down was like an automatic thing.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME? AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU! YOU ABANDONED ME IN A MINUTE, LEFT ME ALONE IN THAT HELL!”

You didn’t stop when he started praying and then screaming. You didn’t stop when he started bleeding profusely or when the strength of your movements made your hood slide down from your head. You didn’t stop when his head got detached from his body and if you weren’t so angry, you would’ve listened tfootsteps. You didn’t stop until you had made mincemeat out of his face. Just for the sheer audacity of reminding you of him.

He looked at you from afar while you looked at the body of the boy whose skull you just had destroyed, a maniac, victorious smile on your face. You were pretending the boy was him. You really thought he had abandoned you? He would be absolutely heartbroken if he wasn’t so aroused. That’s what he always wanted to see, the instincts that you tried to push down. You were right, you were both the same. He wanted to lick that blood off of you, use it as lube to take you right there. When he first arrived at the Borderlands, when he first killed someone and liked it, he thought you would be disgusted by him. But look at you now. You were here, perfect for him, soaked in blood, feral. He’s never been so hard.

“Y/N”, he said.

“Niragi?,” you said. He ran to you, held you even when you fought back, even when you screamed bloody murder that you were going insane, begging to die already, even when you passed out on his arms. He licked a drop of blood from your neck.

“Let me take you to our safe haven”, he whispered against your skin.

[queerartcat]

“Best friends” It’s something that I’ve called people and I’ve been called but I don’t understand it, at least not anymore. Recently some classmate that I don’t talk to often asked me if one of my friends was my “best friend” and immediately I thought “not at all” but I didn’t really know why. Another person called me their “best friend” and all I felt in that moment was pity. I, the person who first talked to them three days prier, am their “best friend”. I thought maybe ranking friendships is trivial thing that usually ends with others being jealous, but now I think I know why I hated the term so much. It could be that my relationships with my past best friends did not end well. One of them treated me constantly like her second or third choice, another made a vacation terrible for me and we stopped talking. Yet another said that she doesn’t think gay marriage should be legal, fully knowing that I identified as bisexual. My brain now relates “best friends” with fake friendships because they are the only one who isn’t outwardly mean. I know that if I had to rank my friends, the one who would be on top is the one who I refuse to call my best friend. I spend the most time with him, I genuinely care about him a lot and he cares about me. We share the small details about each other and listen to the others long rants about what they like. They can tell when something is wrong with me and I can do the same with them. There is so much good things with this friendship that I don’t think I’ve experienced with other people. It may feel wrong for me to say but he really is my best friend and I think he deserves to know this but I don’t think I can tell him yet. 

[jossambird]

The Scent on your coat P4

Summary: You reflect on your life choices, and despite your wants, Life had other plans for you.

Otto Octavius x F!Reader

Words: 2k

Warnings: NS/FW Subjects, No Doc in this Chapter (or is there) but building to the next part, mentions of emotional Reader, heartbreak, yearning for things you can’t have.

Ao3 Fic Link for previous parts, or on my masterlist!

-

“I've only ever wanted you.” You repeated into the silence of your apartment, barely listening to the news that played on tv. Images of various villains flittered on the screen, your eyes falling on the one face you couldn’t stop seeing behind your eyelids. You shut the tv off with a huff, eyes watering at the whole mess.

Hands slinging your blanket over your back, you bundled yourself up and sat in bed, pulling your other blanket over your legs and feet. You couldn’t even begin to find the correct words for just how much you had missed Otto.

Even after all this time, Otto remained as handsome as he had been the last time you had seen him all those dreadful months ago. His soft brown hair that shined red in the sunlight, his gorgeous brown eyes that used to always seek you out in a crowd.

You sighed, replaying his words in your mind. Did he mean everything he had said? He had never been a liar, that you knew…

For weeks after his accident, you had thought him dead. For months, you had listened to the radio and new outlets, slandering his work and very career once he had emerged, tentacles and all, turning to a life of crime.

How long had you mourned him, mourned the fragile friendship you had had together, mourned his work but most importantly, mourned your love for him? It had taken weeks, months even, to finally be able to step back into this laboratory and work, and not be pitied by every living soul here.

They had all known of your deep and dark secret, the love you had held so dear for the Scientist, but stayed silent.. all except for one.

Peter Parker. Sweet Peter Parker, always there for you no matter, always asking if you needed help or a shoulder to cry on, always asking how you were holding up with everything.

It had been Peter, of all people, who had saved you from the endless internal darkness that had started to consume you slowly but surely, depression sinking its claws into you and pushing you towards dangerous thoughts.

He, who had asked you if you wanted to go see a movie together. He, who had walked you home every night afterwards, only ever smiling and offering his arm whilst you tried to say it was okay.

He, who had tentatively asked you if you wanted to be his girlfriend that one summer night after a quiet walk, knowing full well how your heart held a part of itself for another.

It was he, who had kissed your lips, reassuring you that he understood what it felt like, having already lost the love of his life too.

And so, telling yourself that maybe this was what you needed to finally forget Octavius, you had given him a chance; slowly taking your time together and learning about one another, becoming closer and closer by the passing day.

Peter’s secret identity hadn't been kept from you long after you noticed Spiderman arriving at your Oscorp to walk you home, just like Peter did. He had practically fallen off a building when you asked out loud if he was done stalking you like a creep, his laugh echoing softly in the noisy New York streets.

“Aren’t you afraid a villain will come and kidnap me Pe- Spiderman?” You had asked him, grinning even though your heart clenched at the idea of *one* villain kidnapping you. Thoughts like those were burned and shooed away, trying to focus on the good and kind man that loved you.

“Don’t worry, Ill always protect you Y/N.” He assured you with a whisper, bowing his head as you stepped inside your shared apartment complex.

You had come to love him too, in a way, over time.

Your first time together was the moment you realized your heart was irreparable; Peter’s hands were on your hips, holding you softly as he fucked you but in that moment, another man’s name found itself on your lips, a name all too familiar to you, trying to make its way out and into the air between you. You hadn’t let it, swallowing both it and your shame down, sorrow coursing through you as Peter called out your name.

A few days later, on an early September day, as you turned away from the amazing view from your apartment window, the wind blowing your hair from your face, you had felt it; Nervous energy in the air, shudders wracking your body.

Peter Parker asked you to marry him on the same balcony moments after.

No amount of preparation would have ever prepared you for the absolute heartbreak you had felt as the man before you wore bruises shaped like claws, deep cuts and barely fading scars, crooked grin smiling up at you with a ring in hand, waiting.

“I know I’m not him, and you aren’t her, but I'd like to love you for the rest of my life.”

You had sobbed under the loud noise of the shower until the water turned cold, and after.

Though now, sitting here alone in your living room, you wondered why life sought to hurt you so.

Soon you would be married to a sweet man who loved you, adored you, and all fantasies of the tall Doctor Octavius would have to be forgotten and erased.

You sighed again, burying your face into your blanketed hands, trying to will yourself to stop feeling this way. Peter deserved someone who loved him with all their heart, not someone who craved another and had let said man eat them out in their previous work place.

A knock sounded at your front door and you frowned, standing, wrapped in your blankets still, to answer.

Would it be possible… that he would come? Would he knock on the door, or simply open it, hands seeking you out and untying your robe, touching what he had already accidentally claimed?

As you turned the handle and opened the door, your inner shame grew, eyes landing on the smiling face of your best friend Allie.

“Thought Id come see how the bride-to-be was feeling! How- Oh my god Y/N what's wrong?” Allie said in a rush as she saw tears form in your beautiful eyes, stepping inside in a hurry to comfort you. You could barely let out a sob, let alone words, arms wrapping around the woman.

“Y/N, babydoll, what's going on? You can talk to me, you know that right? Nothing leaves this room, only between you and me.” Your best friend whispered, holding you tightly.

She pulled away, arms still wrapped around you but just enough to see your face, and you knew she had figured it out, knew she had pieced it together. “Oh, Y/N… It’ll be okay, it’ll go away.”

What Allie failed to know though, was that you didn’t want it to go away, still feeling his soft but firm fingers holding your thighs and ankles, kisses laid against your skin.

You didn’t want your love for Otto Octavius to disappear, just like the words of love and adoration groaned along your thighs and core, expressive brown eyes seeking yours out in desperation. Desperate for what, you still didn’t know, but it made your heart race, thinking that the renowned Doctor Octavius and villain Doctor Octopus wanted to see you reach ecstasy by his hand and his alone, desperate for only his name to find itself on your tongue.

And you felt even more horrible for it.

*

Allie held you close, blankets wrapped around the both of you as she flicked through channels on TV.

“Want to talk about it?” She whispered, eyes still trailed on the TV but you knew her attention was solely on you.

What was there to say in a situation like this?

“No.” You croaked out, snuggling closer against her in an effort to forget everything, forget the outside world, forget the fact that the very man you wanted most of all was also somewhere out there. You weren’t surprised when Allie sighed, the sound of the TV shutting off. She laid down beside you, worried eyes gazing back at you.

“You know, it's not…” Allie paused, breath caught in her throat at the sight of you.

“It's not abnormal for marriages to be cancelled.” She continued, her eyes flickering over your face for a sign that you were understanding her meaning. You could barely breathe as she waited, the implication of her words sounding out.

“Allie thats- Peter, he-“ you tried, heart breaking at the idea of telling Peter you could no longer marry him. Allie, the beautiful thing she was, faked a gag and rose up, sitting beside you.

“Y/N, forget Pete for the moment okay? He doesn’t exist right here, right now.” She started, turning back towards your surprised visage with a finger pointed at you.

“I will always be here for you. I know you aren’t happy… I just want you to know that it’s never too late to cancel anything.”

You cried that night, silently into your pillow, never acknowledging the words she had spoken. Allie remained with you for the next few days, never uttering another word of the subject she had begun, helping you instead prepare for your wedding.

That night, you dreamt of large hands pulling you close and whispers of love pressed against your breast, heartbeat steady as he asked the one thing you could never lie about:

“Do you love me, Y/N? Me, and only me?” He whispered, lips moving against your collarbone, heated kisses following his words.

“I've only ever loved you.” You whispered back and watched the Otto before you smile, his hold turning bruising.

*

New York, even at night, was never silent. Noises could be heard everywhere and anywhere, people out and about, some heading home and some heading out.

Allie liked the hustle and bustle of the town, always eager to find a new Hole-in-the-wall type of bar or restaurant to get drunk in, and tonight, after saying she wanted to make you feel better with sushi, hadn’t been any different. She hummed under her breath and dutifully followed you back to your apartment, the both of you enjoying each other’s presence.

Convenience store bags in hand, you looked back at Allie as she wobbled, her steps mismatched, a half empty beer can in hand.

“Come on Al, we're almost there!” You laughed, watching her try to Hopscotch along the street. She stopped, eyes wide and smile even wider, throwing the beer can into the air and away from the both of you, making you cringe as it hit the ground.

“Oh my god- Was that a laugh!?” She yelled happily, the smell of beer and sake wafting off of her as she ran up beside you and held you close, arms trapped in her hold. You couldn’t help but smile at your best friend, mouth opening to chastise her for littering but you didn’t have the time; a faint melody met both your ears and Allie beamed, disentangling herself from you. You barely had time to register what song it was before she leaned away, breathing in sharply and letting loose.

“You should have bought her flowers!” She sang out, words echoing in the streets around you. Sang was perhaps too kind of a word though, as she scratchily belted out Bruno Mars lyrics.

“Shh! Oh my god Allie, shhhhhhh! Shut up!” You tried, running after her as she continued back to your apartment complex, uncaring of the people passing you by.

“You should’ve held her hand! Should’ve given her all your hours!” You barely made it in time to her, free hand rising to try and quiet her, heart racing as you imagined someone hearing-

“But now she’s marrying another man!”

Her words felt like a bath of freezing cold water, any remnants of alcohol in your system instantly evaporating.

She was right. You were, and no matter what fantasies and dreams you liked to imagine, you knew that life couldn’t continue like this, childishly hoping and wishing for another man to come sweep you up.

[hes-writer]

Halo

Summary: y/n feels guilty for missing harry

Warnings: angst, slight fluff, mentions of vomiting and nausea, mentions of implied smut

Word Count: 7648 words

A/N: @devilinbetweenthesheet-s : don’t cheat and don’t do drugs, kids.

inspired by one of my anons. some parts are real and some parts aren’t :)

Tarnish (1)  .  Halo (2) .  Reign (3) . 

Reign Taglist 

___

When the relationship ended, Y/N imagined being bed-ridden. A lack of motivation to do anything casual such as standing. Watching the television seemed to be a task that required all of her energy and full-attention to be able to understand the subtitles on the screen. Her friends would knock continuously on her door to be met with no response because she was asleep or Y/N couldn’t be bothered with pitiful conversation asking her if she was okay. She would be too tempted to ask how Harry was doing when she could easily pull out her phone and search his name in a few quick taps. These used to be easy; as easy as breathing and loving Harry was easier than loving herself.

How was he doing? Y/N hoped that Harry was regretting his actions. She was yearning for the vibration of her phone to restart her heart like an AED stuck to her chest, sending her pulses to remember that they were not what they used to be. Or maybe the snippy ringtone Y/N had set specifically for him and only him would ring through the air as she wallowed in a burrito blanket. Frankly too emotionally worn out to even move an inch as she watched her phone face down on the bedside table of her new apartment.

Life doesn’t wait until Y/N is capable of being back on her feet before thundering down with the foundations of living. Five days into the breakup did she realize that the money she had saved up would be spent faster than she can replace it if she stayed any longer at the hotel near the heart of downtown. It was a spur of the moment decision to ‘treat herself’; she thought she deserved it after being called names and thrown aside like a used toy. And on the fifth day, she was on the lookout for places to live in as she adjusted to her new life without Harry.

It wasn’t like Y/N was completely dependent on him. She had a well-paying job; just not as good as his. And she could afford a nice apartment, just not as nice as his mansion. Nor did it have the same toasty feeling that enveloped her when she walked through the doors. Y/N told herself that she would give it a few months; that maybe it was just the change in setting that misplaced every bone in her body because everything she did felt off. Deep down, Y/N knew that things weren’t the same without him. She could either live a life reminiscing how she--they--used to do things or she could change and adapt to this ball thrown at her.

The decision was in her hands, yet she hesitated with every gambling thought crossing her mind. On one hand, she was used to a routine. It was a routine that never got boring to her, solely because Harry found a way to make things interesting; refreshing. On the other, Y/N would be in a never-ending comparison of how much she missed him or pat her shoulders because she was able to compromise the old parts of her that existed when Harry was around and to integrate it with a new version that was wary of anybody getting close to her.

The challenge was not easy when the media got hold of the news. It seemed as if everywhere Y/N went---mixed reactions and judgement attacked her with doe eyes offering the best of luck or disgusted snickers telling that she deserved it and that they--Camille and Harry--were perfect for each other. But when Y/N quite literally was carrying a piece of him and her inside her stomach did she step up to what she had to become to raise her baby.

It seemed like yesterday when Y/N stared at her reflection in the en-suite bathroom of Harry’s home, pinching at a subtle layer of fat that she was sure wasn’t there a few days ago. Bloated cheeks that added a fullness to her face were substituted as the result of a bright smile plastered on her face because she Harry had pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead before she left for work that day. The sudden aversion to fragrant foods she absolutely adored flew right over her head and excused as a bad batch.

And the most painful memory was the day Harry and Y/N’s relationship ended. The beginning of something new, something beautiful was right under their noses. Y/N wondered what could have happened if she didn’t find the letter. When the symptoms of pregnancy became more obvious each day; would Harry notice the change in her physique? The crinkle of her nose when met with a sandwich containing pickles that she used to love?

Y/N couldn’t help but envision holding the stick with a tiny ‘+’ pixelated by dark colours. Sitting on the closed toilet seat as she contemplated delivering the news to him in the early hours of the morning after she was awoken by a flush of morning sickness. Y/N daydreamed about watching his sleeping face smooth out of any lines as he dreamed peacefully and wondered if this was still a part of what he wanted with her. Maybe she would jostle him gently, rousing him with a poke as she kneeled on his side of the bed, flailing the pregnancy test between her fingers until he blinked the sleep out of his waterline. Harry would present her a doozy smile before realizing what she held--to which he would sit up faster than he had ever done, gazing at her with a pleading stare. For Y/N to confirm that yes, she was pregnant. Yes, they were going to have a baby and yes, Harry was going to be a father. A little family in the works.

But that daydream was reeled in like a fishing hook in grave waters as reality grounded her. She was apparently two months into her pregnancy when Y/N had mistaken the sickness as an inevitable reaction to finding out his infidelity. Hearing him say the term of endearment as if he had not used it with another person made Y/N want to grab him by the shoulders to hold a steady contact, jostling him until answers spilled out of his mouth. Answers that Y/N deemed justifiable but was there ever a good excuse for cheating? She wanted to strip him out of the apologies filling his mouth and get straight to the question of why he had done it. But even then, Y/N knew that there was no way she was going to be satisfied with his answers. It was just a matter of her accepting that the idea of ‘what could have been’ would live inside her head because she was the only one that knew about the life inside of her.

Harry had not made an effort to speak to her besides arranging the dates to pick up her things. She had to wear large clothes to hide her growing belly because Y/N wasn’t sure if she even had the right to tell him something so personal anymore. It fit well with the narrative that she was a depressed homebody that craved the touch of his fingertips on her skin, the taste of his lips on her tongue and the weight of his arms around her. Albeit that he was the father, Harry had obviously moved on way before they ended; a little over a year ago now to be precise.

Y/N was almost one-hundred percent sure that Harry had blocked her number. Scratch that, she was certain if the way her messages failed to send were anything to go by. She could handle seeing the handle of ‘read’ on the bottom of a message because at least she’d know that Harry did read it and that he was aware. But watching the encircled, crimson exclamation point appear was just another reminder that he planned to erase four years from his life to start anew.

____

So what if at four months, Y/N was attending another doctor’s appointment by herself, trying to amount to as little attention as possible? Well, today was the day that she was going to find out the baby’s gender. Her bump was definitely noticeable now and extremely uncomfortable especially sitting on a plastic, grey chair in the waiting room. The device in her hand felt like stone perceiving the icon of blaring red that indicated yet another failed message to the contact previously named ‘My Love’, now to just ‘Harry’.

Y/N: I’m finding out the gender of our baby today

Y/N: I’m hoping for a girl but either way, I just want the baby to be healthy.

“Y/N? Dr. O’Sullivan is ready to see you,” The nurse clad in scrubs walked out with a clipboard gripped in her hands.

Y/N stood up, pausing to retrieve her items. She took a breath before entering the room, catching sight of the doctor in his stereotypical white coat focused on the computer screen that showed her information.

“You know what to do. Good luck today,” The nurse mused, handing her a folded hospital gown to change into as she pointed towards the direction of the room with a little nook to change privately. After struggling a bit with pulling off her top, Y/N tied the strings of the hospital gown.

“Hi, Y/N. How are you today?” He asked, standing up to gather the items he would need. Y/N made herself comfortable on the small bed, the white paper crinkling as her weight shifted.

She sighed deeply, “I’m alright. Really excited, actually,” A grin appeared on her face with just how close she was to find out the gender of the baby, “How about you?”

“Good as always,”

Connor O’Sullivan was the name of the doctor. They met when Y/N was in search of the top-tier family doctor’s around the city and instantly had a connection. He had a trustworthy aura that Y/N deemed acceptable to guide her to a healthy pregnancy. A friendship had definitely blossomed around the doctor-patient boundary but they stayed within their limits. Inside jokes existed but it had never crossed the line. And sure, touches to the shoulder happened once in a while but nothing had escalated further.

Y/N’s baby bump was exposed to the cool room. She shivered when a gloved hand applied the gel on her taut skin. Stretch marks were littering the sides of her tummy. It was itchy and uncomfortable. However, it was tolerable especially after applying a combination of creams and oil to soothe the ache. It was also another reminder that she really was about to become a mother.

“Cold?” Connor teased with an easy smile. Y/N rolled her eyes upwards in response, “You’re the doctor here,”

He chuckled, directing her attention to the small screen beside them. The static fizz of black and white slowly morphing to a more discernible image as he attached the device to her skin, finding the perfect angle to produce a clear picture. The first time Y/N saw her little baby; it was the size of a lemon. The next couple of visits showed progression in their growth; tiny baby feet, stubby legs, and sprouting fingers could be seen on the ultrasound.

They looked more and more like a proper baby now--like the ones one would see in the clinics and Y/N really couldn’t believe that she was about to find out their gender. Y/N couldn’t tell just by inspecting the picture because of her lack of expertise.

“You’re having a. . .” Connor began, edging his voice at the last word. He wiggled his brows as Y/N’s eyes widened.

She balled her fists, “Oh, hell. Just spit it out, C,”

“A girl. You’re having a little girl,” He peered up at the patient, watching tears fill the brim of her waterline as she gasped, palming her slightly open mouth.

“A-a girl?” Y/N craned her head to look at the square image, blurrier because of the tears but beautiful nonetheless. “I can’t believe I’m having a girl,”

The doctor wiped the gel off of her tummy with a cloth, switching off the machine as he waited for another reaction out of her. Y/N tossed her legs to the side, putting on her slip-on vans to fully-comprehend the news. “I’m having a baby girl,”

Connor nodded, releasing an ‘oomph’ at a sudden pressure around his middle. Y/N wrapped her arms around him, feeling the tube of his stethoscope dangling against her cheek. Her lashes fluttered, happy tears streaming out. He returned the gesture with soft rubs on her lower back.

“I’m sorry, I’m so emotional,” Y/N pulled away with a huff, using her fingertips to rub the wetness towards her temple. “I’m so happy but I just wished that he was--,” She cut herself off, pursing her lips as an image of Harry carrying their baby appeared in her head.

“I understand, Y/N.” Connor mirrored her distraught expression as he really did feel sorry for Y/N. However, he couldn’t explain the extra twinge in his heart at seeing her frown over a lost love. “You’re doing great on your own,”

She sighed for possibly the tenth time that day, “We both wanted to name her Halo if it’s a girl or Arlo if it’s a boy. It reminds me of what an angel she will be,”

“Wait until she gets older,” Connor joked to lighten the mood, receiving a glimmer from Y/N. “What d’ya say you get changed and I’ll print out this ultrasound, sounds good? A few more months then we can meet baby Halo,”

Halo.

___

Harry’s relationship with Camille was a dream. It was everything he imagined, maybe even better. The first time they dabbled on getting together was four years ago, before Y/N was even around in his life. There could be so many things right about a relationship and it could still be wrong. Maybe it wasn’t the right place, the right time, or they simply had too many disagreements and flaws that both parties were unwilling to work it to make them--work.

Usually, the third time would be a charm but Harry felt that he and Camille didn’t need a third time. As he said, the past couple of months felt like a dream. He could close his eyes and still feel the soft skin of the woman he loves grazing his fingertips. He couldn’t help but transpire into a new chapter of their love; one where it wasn’t just them tumbling in the sheets. When the squeals in the kitchen while making breakfast were paired with pleads for whipped cream on their pancakes; a child.

Harry was old enough to know what he wanted--at least, he thought he was--and a family was in his books. He finally found a partner who had the same mindset in their future; Camille. At first, he was absolutely sure that Y/N could not be erased from; but her name wasn't set in stone and once he found someone better--no way in hell was he going to let that be a missed opportunity.

__

Camile sighed softly, laying on Harry's bare chest as he pulled the sheets over their clammy bodies. Their orgasms settled in their veins, the rush and panting breaths calming down with each blink of an eye.

With her finger swirling patterns on his skin, Harry stared at the ceiling in hesitant contemplation, “Babe, have you ever thought of getting off the pill?” She paused.

“Uh, sure, but then we would have to use a condom?” Her voice raised at the end in curiosity.

Harry released an awkward chuckle, gently swivelling her body off of him so he could sit up. Reaching over, his fingers found the flip of the light switch that turned the bedside lamp on. He smiled at her appearance, mirroring his stance as she sat on the bed, a sheet clung around her body.

He shook his head, “No, no. No condoms, no pills and, y’know. . .”

The confusion was evident on Camille’s features, “I don’t exactly understand what you’re trying to say, H--,’

“‘M asking if y’wanna try for a baby, love.’

Silence overtook the room. Harry held his breath in his throat, seemingly trying to swallow down the lump that had formed because of her lack of response. She cleared her throat.

“A baby?” Harry nodded with excitement despite the flat tone whipping past her lips. “I--don’t know how to say this, Harry. I’ve never wanted kids.”

His face fell, the words lingering around his head like a flock of birds. The dizzying epiphany rattled his head clear of any other thoughts besides the fact that there was a hole in his book; burnt and toasted with sparks inkling his skin.

“W-why not?” His palms fell flat on the silky sheets, fisting the fabric to keep him settled. “A mini you and a mini-me running around the house. Won’t that be fun, baby? Don’t you want that?”

It almost hurt Camille to see the grin plastered on his face, hopeful eyes practically begging her to change her mind. But she couldn’t.

“Harry, that part will be fun. What won’t be fun is getting huge, morning sickness, weird cravings, hormonal imbalance, the aftermath of labour, the sleepless nights, the puke, the changing diapers, the back pain, the headaches, the fights when they’re older and so much more” Her accent rippled with each explanation rejecting the idea.

Harry huffed, crossing his arms subconsciously to shield himself, “But it’ll be worth it,”

“It won’t be,” Camille scooted closer to him, situating herself on her knees so that she could look into his eyes clearly. “Look, I made up my mind ages ago and I thought you felt the same since you haven’t settled down yet”

“I was jus’ lookin’ for the right person,” His head dipped down, dropping his gaze their intertwined hands. “It’s gonna’ be okay, Cam. We can make it work. We’ll have our own family. We’ll be okay,”

She shook her head in refusal, “It will be okay for you, H.” Harry could feel her hands itching to slip past his. He held her tighter. He didn’t want to lose her. “You can get back to work immediately. I’m a model and it takes time to lose weight. Even when I do--I won’t look the same. It’ll take me months, if not years to even resemble my present body.

“I don’t care how your body looks. You’re still gonna’ look amazing. You think I won’t love you after birthing our little baby?” With brows pressed together, he pouted his lip in curiosity as she rolled her eyes.

Camille sighed exasperatedly, “I don’t want children, Harry. The sooner you understand that the better. It’s MY body. I’ll be carrying the kid around for 9 months. No thank you.” She stood up, stumbling slightly as the sheets tangled around her feet.

He followed suit. His height towered over her as she crouched down to collect the pieces of clothing strewn around haphazardly in a rush to have each other. “But it’ll be MY baby, Cam. OUR baby, don’t you want that?”

Fingernails dug into the skin of her palm, holding her clothes as she spoke, “I don’t, Harry. Why can’t you just accept that?”

In the heat of the moment, Harry couldn’t help but quell the ache in his chest with a memory he thought he had thrown away, “Because Y/N and I planned to have a family. A-and I thought you and I could have one too,”

Camille huffed, keeping her distance. She walked to the bathroom, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have fucking cheated on her then,”

___

His fight with Camille left the both of them on edge, barely able to handle the thick tension surrounding the house. Even though she took refuge in the bedroom and Harry wandered to the kitchen to cool off; it was impossible for them to stay in one place without having another argument.

Harry didn’t mean to let the memory slip past his lip. He hated it when he found himself comparing his past relationships to his current one. He felt that there was no need to do so, especially when the point of all of it was to start anew. Harry guessed that his desire to have a family was too powerful to keep his thoughts in check. The ache bubbling in his chest rose to a boil with each rejection that Camille answered with.

It wasn’t like he didn’t respect her decision. He really did. But Harry didn’t know if he was going to be happy being with her without progressing into something more through the years. What he was asking from her is just as difficult as what she was asking from him. Camille didn’t want to have children and Harry didn’t want to not have kids. There was no room for compromise if they both, mutually, wanted to respect each other's' decisions’ to the absolute fullest. However, the chances of him living a content life were zero to none.

And that was how Harry ended up at a bar, alone, at nine o’clock in the evening. They were invited by his friend, Kora, to a birthday celebration. Harry was reaching the limit of his threshold having to fake a smile and a chuckle while saying, “Camille’s feelin’ a bit sick tonight. ‘S just me,”

The thing with this celebration was that Kora was initially Y/N’s friend. He and Kora had become close friends while he was with Y/N and he guessed that that was the reason why he was invited. Although, it made him wonder why one of Y/N’s best friends invited him when she was aware of what happened between them. Surely, there was no way that Kora would invite Y/N, Harry, and Camille to the same crowded space, would she?

The sudden nervousness swirling at the pit of his stomach came with a quick neck as Harry scanned each premise of the bar. It was difficult considering the dim lighting and endless amounts of heads moving against each other. He hoped to see Y/N; just to see how she was doing! But he also felt like puking the alcohol he consumed because--as much as he wanted to admit it or not--he missed her.

After a half-hour of being vigilant, Harry willed himself to relax by the counter. Leaning one elbow on the wood as he spoke to another person regarding his upcoming album.

‘Yeah, yeah. It’s goin’. ‘M really excited for it cause’ I’ve got a lot of inspiration for some reason,” Harry answered with unyielding precision.

“We both know where that came fro--Oh hi! Sorry, H. Gotta check in on, Johnny,”

He rolled his eyes under closed lids, sipping on his drink, eyeing Kora when he heard a quip of Y/N’s name. Harry inconspicuously moved closer to her, making sure that he didn’t catch her attention.

“You’re not here,” Kora yelled with a whine to her tone. Her drunk self was still coherent enough to embark on the bartender to make another drink for her. However, Harry guessed that her senses were obscured with the way she yelled through the phone despite it being held to her ear and the function tapped to ‘speaker’.

“I know. I’m sorry. I promise to make it up to you, Kora,” Y/N’s gentle chuckle rumbled through the speaker, making Harry smile. It was the first time he heard it in a while. He sometimes wondered if he had the right to feel relieved when Harry was the one that blocked her number in the first place.

“It’s my birthday! Why aren’t you here drinking with us?” Kora quietly thanked the bartender.

Harry’s curiosity spiked; why wasn’t Y/N here tonight?

“It’s because I’m pregnant, silly. Can’t really do that when I’ve got a bubba in my tummy,” Both women giggled, Kora, making a sound of acknowledgement, “Ohhh right!”

He really wished that he would have stuck by long enough to hear more of their conversation but Kora’s boyfriend was approaching her and he wasn’t in the mood to discuss anything if he was honest.

She moved on fast, Harry thought. He was definitely sounding like an entitled jerk. Hear him out though; Harry was happy with Camille. Yes, he had been cheating on Y/N for a whole year and yes, she had to find out through a letter but Y/N was pregnant.

Did she really move on that quickly?

___

Despite the guilt gnawing at her for missing her best friend Kora’s birthday, Y/N was also looking forward to getting some sleep. It was a couple of hours after their phone call together when the nauseating tightening of Y/N’s chest woke again and had been for the past three days.

It was a horrible feeling that spread from the confines of her stomach. The bile rising up from her throat that left a burning feeling from the acids that escaped her mouth as she quickly threw the covers away from her legs, running towards the direction of her bathroom where she emptied the remnants of her stomach from last night’s craving of pickles and hot Cheetos. Her chest heaved with exertion as she draped her arms over the white porcelain of the disinfected toilet, hunching over as her stomach seemingly pumped away toxins.

Y/N wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, visibly shuddering as she pointed a finger to flush the toilet. She had a feeling that she won’t be getting any more sleep despite the time being three o’clock in the morning. Halo was insistent on staying up past normal bedtime hours. Y/N sighed, walking lethargically towards the dresser to retrieve her phone before heading to the living room nearby.

Y/N: You up, doc?

The blue loading bar swooped to the right as Y/N sent a message to Connor. She was at the peak of her pregnancy and her due date was occurring within a few weeks. A lot had changed since the day she found out the gender of her baby. Between the emotional trauma of having been broken up with--the hard-hitting fact was that Y/N was pushed into a direction of pregnancy that wasn’t exactly her ideal path. She pretty much preferred the dream-like sequence of having Harry accompanying her to her ultrasounds.

Just as Y/N was about to delve into another imaginary scenario of Harry sending her cute baby onesies that he would absolutely need to purchase for their little one, the humming of her phone pulled her from drowning in pathetic wishes and desires.

Connor: What’s up, Y/N?

She jutted her lips as she typed out a response. Contemplating whether or not to send the message as Y/N’s thumb hovered over the arrow, she paused to wonder why she was feeling so guilty in texting another man months and antecedent her break up with Harry. He was happy with someone else, yet Y/N felt as if her feet were planted in a puddle of sticky glue; unable to move on from the life she built in her head. Although it hurt to admit that Harry only existed in her memories now, reminiscing the spoken words they have discussed was another stab to her already bruised heart.

Y/N: Halo’s keeping me up again..

Connor: Want me to come over?

To keep you company

The reply was instantaneous and she could not deny the flutter of her heart beating subtly despite the extremities it had endured. And Y/N couldn’t help but notice the jitter of her baby bump morphing a plump bulge where Halo had kicked it as if it was a stamp of approval of the man coming over.

It wasn’t the first time that Connor drove to her place at the brink of dawn to keep her company in case the sickness became too much for Y/N to handle. The first time was simply a desperate action because she was rattled by the sudden spike in dizziness and incoherence of her sickness that Y/N wasn’t confident in herself to handle it alone. Times after that were more for his comfort when Connor said that he would ‘rather be safe than sorry’ while he rubbed his palm up and down her back.

Minutes later, a knock on her door sounded, forcing Y/N to haul her plump body to the comfort of the sofa, pausing the rerun of a television show. She waddled towards the entrance, the fit of her pyjama waistband snuggly wrapping around her mid-belly. A stretch of skin exposed between her bottoms and her tank top.

“Hi, thank you for coming,” Y/N greeted shyly, widening the door to let Connor in as he chuckled, toeing off his shoes by the closet door.

He waved her off, “It’s no problem, really,” Connor assisted her back to her couch, aiding her by letting his hands stabilize in the air in case anything happened.

The moment their bottoms hit the cushions did Y/N realize the gravity of the guilt spiralling in her chest. Connor laughed softly, his back resting on the couch with his right arm resting on the top, fingertips barely brushing over her shoulder. He reached over the coffee table to obtain the bowl of freshly popped popcorn, picking one to munch on but not before looking over at Y/N.

“Want some?”

She snapped out of her daze, cheeks heating profusely at being caught blatantly staring at how Connor fit naturally into her home both physically and metaphorically. He couldn’t have appeared at a better time when Y/N not only needed medical assistance and a support group by her side. However, she asked herself if he could be anything more than a friend. She shook her head ���no’.

“No thanks. I’m quite full,” Y/N pressed a palm to her belly when a kick halted her breath. ‘Okay maybe a little,” She rolled her eyes, scolding Halo. “She’s a hungry one,”

“I’m gonna pop some more popcorn, kay? Be right back,”

Y/N heaved a sigh, watching Connor’s retrieving figure. Her admiration was cut off by the ringing of her phone.

___

Harry wasn’t so sober when he opened the door to his car. He wasn’t in his right mind either when he unblocked Y/N’s number and tapped on her name, switching the screen as it rang. He threw his head back against the headrest, biting his lip when the dial tone rang and rang.

“Hello?”

Harry’s breath hitched, losing his voice momentarily before his slowed brain caught up to move his tongue.

“Y/N? It’s Harry,” He spoke quietly, “Don’t hang up. Hear me out,” His ears stretched to pick up the click of a dropped call but he didn’t hear any.

“Heard from Kora that y’were pregnant, yeah? And I was wondering, whose is it?” The venom in his voice dripped. His drunken stupor rendered him unable to grasp reality.

“I’m not answering that,” Y/N’s tone was firm and direct. Harry could imagine her pursing her lips inwards.

“Why not? Scared that y’gonna have to admit that everything you put on was an act? How can y’move on so fast and give me shit about it?” The parking lot was filled with cars yet Harry could see that he was the only one currently occupying one. If there was a better metaphor of feeling alone in a crowded place; then he would love to hear it.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Harry? You cheated on me! You slept with another woman while we were together. You loved another woman while we were together. For an entire year, you lied to me and deceived me,”

“Jus’. . .answer the question,” He pinched his nose bridge, a headache pounding from the bottom of his skull.

“How dare you speak to me this way? You have no right calling me up out of nowhere,” Y/N lowered the volume of her voice, “and asking all these ridiculous questions,”

“S’not ridiculous,”

She gave a smile to Connor who entered the room with a bowl of delicious smelling popcorn. Y/N clutched the phone to her chest. Connor situated his body beside her with a glimmering smile, his mouth twitching as he eyed her bump, “Can I talk to her?” A gentle question breezed past his lips, moving closer when Y/N gave him approval.

The man kneeled down on the floor, leaning his head downwards to speak to Halo, “Hey little one, y’gotta be nice to momma, okay?” His fingers waved when her feet kicked out. Connor looked up to Y/N with a proud smile, “Did you see that? She responded!”

___

Harry felt his heart clench as a new voice filled the speakers. His neurons were fried with each thought firing endlessly, “Who’s that?

“Don’t call me again,”

The dial tone rung in his ears, echoing in the quiet space of his Range Rover.

___

Pressing the power button for a few seconds, the device turned black and was left on the arm of the couch. The excitement in Connor’s voice brought a dreamy smile to Y/N’s face, chewing on some popcorn. The beating of her heart seemed to double at the sight of him being so thrilled with her baby.

“We can’t wait to see you. I bet you’re gorgeous,” Connor dropped his volume to a whisper to prevent Y/N from hearing, ‘’Like your mom,”

Y/N’s relaxed and comfortable state of mind mindlessly worked her hands to thread the hair on top of Connor’s head. Just like she used to do to Harry. Her expression dimmed at the thought, painting a faint simper when Connor looked at her in surprise before shrugging it off, continuing to talk to her bump. She shivered when a warm pair of lips attached to the skin of her stomach. Gentle pressure planting a kiss as Connor said his goodbyes to baby Halo.

“She’s a smart one, that much I can tell,” He confirmed, moulding his body to the lingering shape he had left behind in his previous position. And Y/N was flustered to say that she might have scooched a little closer to his body, snuggling her head at the junction of his shoulder.

“Can I?” She asked, doe eyes raising a question that would allow them to cross the boundary they had limited themselves to. He nodded reflexively as if he was awaiting this moment. Connor took the initiative to pull Y/N closer to him, subconsciously kissing the top of her head. The scent of the woman’s shampoo wafting through his nose and invading his senses in a sweet smell that he would gladly immerse himself to.

It was the most pleasant feeling for Y/N to completely let go of her former worries about starting anew when Connor was as cozy as a heater. He made Y/N feel safe and secure with his body shielding her and his actions hinting at a subdued attraction he hadn’t fully shown to her.

And Connor was proud of himself for not quite literally freaking out when Y/N smothered her face to his chest as time passed and the sun rays filtered through the blinds as she fell asleep. Her words mumbled in a jumbled mess about how she wished that morning sickness wasn’t called morning sickness.

It wasn’t totally accurate, she complained. She thought that it was a misleading name; catfishing perhaps. He had chuckled in response, tracing his fingers up and down her arm and feeling goosebumps rise on her skin.

The orange hue of the bright star painting the sky lighter and lighter until the pitch-black sight morphed into a mixture of shades that could only be described as beautifully grandiose--just like Y/N’s sleeping face when the sun casts a shadow to highlight her nose, scrunching with the slight graze of the back of Connor’s finger rubbing the tip. Or the way the luminescence caressed the apples of her cheeks where her lashes rested, mouth puffing breaths of air as she allowed herself to be vulnerable for the first time in months.

___

A heavy feeling had settled into Harry's chest after Y/N hung up the phone. The new voice he had heard had unmistakably been a man's. Who was he? Was Y/N having that man's baby?

Before he could help it, Harry was seething. He saw red, and if he were in a children's movie there would be steam coming out of his ears right about now. How dare she move on so fast? How could she have a baby with another man so soon? But when he thought about it; Harry couldn't even recall how long it had been since they'd broken up. It made him feel somewhat guilty. He hadn't meant to forget her. It had just happened.

His guilt soon manifested into frustration-- her being pregnant was a constant reminder that she had moved on with another man. Insecurity clawed at his insides- did he really mean that little to her? 'You cheated on her', his conscience pricked, but he brushed away the thought. He hated being reminded of his infidelity to his fiancée.

His defence mechanism kicked in like clockwork, using aggression to shield his insecurities. He opened his messages app and clicked her contact, typing drunkenly.

Harry: 'Your a whore'

'You're*'

'Diid yu cheat on me? I bet youu did'

'Do u sleepp arond a loot?'

'fck u'

He smiled smugly at his phone screen, satisfied with what he had sent her. He shut his phone off, and started his car, ready to drive back home. He knew he was being irresponsible, but between his current girlfriend not wanting a child and his ex being pregnant with one; he couldn't bring himself to care. He drove himself home, only to find a terribly worried Camille waiting for him to arrive.

He glanced at the huge clock on the wall behind her. 1:32 am. He shrugged his shoulders and brushed past her to their bedroom. In his drunken gait, he knocked over a metal tray. The loud 'clang' made him hiss and clutch his temples, a headache pounding in his skull.

Camille sighed and made her way over to him, wrapping her arms around his torso and muttering a "come here, H" Despite his sour mood, he found himself craving affection. What he wouldn't admit was that he didn't crave Camille's affection in particular. He just wanted to be held and feel safe in someone's arms. Anyone's arms. But despite himself, he mumbled, "m'sorry I left like tha'. Should'nt 've spoken to ya that way,"

She nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek, "It's okay, Harry, you're back home now. C'mon, let's get you changed and then let's sleep."

He bobbed his head up and down, willingly letting her drag him up the stairs to their shared bedroom, "Love ya,” Camille helped him out of his trousers.

She smiled softly, "Love you too, mon Cheri,” He giggled drunkenly at the showcase of her accent.

___

Harry woke up with a pounding headache, whining as his alarm rang at eight am in the morning. He opened his eyes to see that Camille wasn't in bed with him. His lips fell into a pout because of waking up alone.

There was a note on the bedside table.

'got called in for an emergency meeting for the show next week. be home by 5pm. love you!'

He sighed and reached for the glass of water she had left him. His brows furrowed when he didn't see Ibuprofen next to the water. Y/N left him ibuprofen beside the glass of water. Always. Harry snapped himself out of his daze, reprimanding himself for even thinking about her. Why is he thinking about her?

__

After a hot shower, Harry made his way downstairs to make himself breakfast. 'Eggs and toast', he thought. Placing 2 eggs in water and setting it on the stove before loading the toaster. He looked mindlessly through the drinks in the fridge, settling on 'Organic Orange Juice'. Y/N had introduced him to this particular brand after he had complained that all the others had too much sugar to be 'healthy'.

___

"This has no added sugar, H," she mentioned, "They sweeten it with honey."

___

Harry groaned, snapping himself out of the daydream, ashamed for thinking about his ex. Again.

He placed his breakfast on a plate and poured himself a glass of juice, sitting at the dining table alone. He chewed slowly with a mouthful as he unlocked his phone, beginning to go through his notifications.

Camille sent him a text. It was a selfie of her at her meeting, smiling and holding up a peace sign. He mirrored the expression, sending a text back

Harry: "stop being so cute"

He clicked the ‘back’ icon.

The second he does, his heart positively skips a beat. Not in a good way, either. Y/N's contact was just below Camille's, suddenly remembering the nasty things he had texted her the previous night.

"Fuck," He whispered under his breath, opening her contact. 'Read' was plastered under the messages he had sent. Y/N had seen them.

__

Connor had left a few hours later because he had morning rounds at the clinic the next day. Y/N had bid him goodbye with a shy kiss to the corner of his mouth,

“Thanks for coming, C,"

He smiled and pulled her into an embrace "Anytime, angel," into her hair. A warmth spread through her chest--one that she hadn’t felt in a long while.

After Connor drove off (with a final wave from his car window, of course), Y/N walked back in to settle on her couch again. Halo kicked a few times as she sat down, making Y/N squirm and giggle.

"Hi, you little goose! What's got you all excited, hm?" She rubbed over the area where Y/N felt the kick. As if, in response to her mother's voice, baby Halo kicked out again, right where Y/N's palm was. "Are you trying to high-five me, precious girl?"

Y/N cooed at her swelling tummy, a huge smile plastered across her face. "Or are ya just excited about Connor coming over to spend time with us? Got a good feeling about him, have you?"

She feels a gentle kick, it was almost as if the baby in her tummy wanted to say 'yes'. Y/N hummed softly, caressing her tummy, "Me too, angel. I've got a good feeling about him, too."

__

A few minutes later, Y/N reboots her phone her previously switched off phone so that she could see if Connor had texted her. He had.

C: Thanks for letting me spend time with you and Halo tonight. I loved it. I have a  bit of time off on Sunday, do you want to get Pizza?'

Her eyes gleamed, but she hesitated for just a second. Connor had texted her. But so had Harry. He had sent her five messages, and Y/N wasn't sure if she wanted to see what he had to say.

She wanted to make sure before texting Connor back. Y/N was not sure what she was expecting or hoping for, but what she saw was certainly not it.

Harry: 'Your a whore'

'You're*',

'Diid yu cheat on me? I bet you did

'Do u sleepp arond a loot?'

'fck you'

She felt tears stinging her eyes, cursing at the pregnancy hormones that have gotten her feeling this emotional about drunk texts from her ex. Her body ignited with fury quicker than she realized she could. Y/N doesn't hesitate to click the 'block' button to his contact.

She didn't need a man like him around her or her baby. Or her potential boyfriend.

Y/N: 'Hiya!,'

'it was great having you over, and I'd love to hang out! Down for pizza anytime. Halo loves it too :P'

The reply was instantaneous

C: 'Great!'

'See you Sunday, then! What are your favourite toppings?"

Y/N smiled brightly, finding his curiosity incredibly endearing. She typed back a response, gleaming with joy at the fact that she finally had someone she could rely on.

___

"Fuck. fuck fuck fuck," Harry repeated, clicking the call button to Y/N's contact. He needed to apologize. Desperately. He needed her to know that he didn't mean any of those things; he was just drunk. Not that that was an excuse.

'The number you are trying to reach is not in service', an automated voice said.

Harry groaned in frustration, opening her message contact, typing out;

Harry: "I'm so sorry, I don't know what had gotten into me. I was drunk. I'm very sorry, Y/N xx H."

He took a bite out of his toast before looking back at his screen to see if she had read the message yet. He almost wished he hadn't. Harry’s heart plummeted. His chest constricted as tears stung at the back of his eyes. Throwing up the meal he just scarfed sounded like an option right now.

A flaming red exclamation mark met his startled glance, and his chest heaved as he read,

'Not delivered,'

___

As usual, let us know what you thought!

Reign aka pt3 is already up on Patreon (link in bio!)

Reign will be uploaded on Tumblr on Monday, August 31. ___

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Permanent Taglist: @splendidsunsetx @swagmoneymaya @loviewoo @textingharry @arypesanchez @theresthingsthatwellneverknow

[storybookstalker]

. Riddle Rosehearts 

Main Yandere Type → Controlling | Obsessive 

♚ Riddle has been taught from a very young age that rules are a necessary part of life. Rules keep you safe, they offer a cold, guiding hand to those who might not know how to properly handle themselves otherwise! These are the morals instilled in him, and just as they extend to his dorm, they extend their icy grip to his darling as well. 

♚ Riddle’s descent into obsession goes mostly unnoticed by himself, believing that he’s simply worried for their well-being. Afterall, they have that empty dorm all to themselves, what do they do all day? Just sit around? That won’t do! Aren’t they bored? 

♚ He takes it upon himself to create a small schedule for them to follow! It’s just for their mental health, you see, just to give them things to do. He reassures that having a schedule, even the “small” one he gave them will help keep them sane. Don’t worry, Riddle will even update it according to the things they want to do! Just make sure to keep him updated on their life so he can update it on the fly. 

♚ By the time he realizes his feelings, he panics and tries to shove them down. He can’t be in love! What would his mother say!? He tries to brush it all off but soon enough he’ll fall off into the deep-end, after-all, who cares what she thinks? Maybe indulging himself, every now and again, isn’t such a horrible idea.

♔ → “Hmph, Really now, I don’t mind doing this. Don’t worry so much, I can take care of this for you.”

♔ → “Oh? You’re joining a club? Why not join the horseback riding club? It’s very fun, there’s a perfect time slot for it so I don’t have to move anything around on your schedule.”

♔ → “If you ever need help controlling that cat of yours, I’m happy to lend a hand.”

. Trey Clover

Main Yandere Type → Possessive | Manipulative 

♣ Trey is overly calm about his obsession for the most part. He knows it’s wrong but he just takes it in strides, reassuring himself that he has control over his emotions and actions. He’ll charm his way into his darling’s heart, working his way out of plain friendship and into the passionate affection he wants from them. 

♣ He takes all of his obsession in stride, including the increasingly intense desire bubbling in his chest. If he’s losing his mind over them hanging out with the other first years so much, then he’ll just have to gently guide them away from doing that! Trey is much more fun than all of them combined, believe him! When it’s one on one there’s no worry of being left out or leaving anyone out, besides, shouldn’t they be studying more? He’ll help! Trey can help them fix those grades while having fun!

♣ He’ll showly convince them that their “friends” don't actually care about them, ever hear of pity friends? I mean, they haven’t really reached out to darling, now have they? Not that he had anything to do with it, but really! Trey is way more reliable than any of those kids, why does darling even keep them around? As with his obsession, he’s pretty relaxed about getting rid of issues. Slow and steady, he’ll worm his way into isolating them, into being the only one they trust or adore. 

♣ Trey will eventually come to confess, but he’ll make sure there’s no way they’ll even think of rejecting him. He’s clearly the best option for a romantic partner, who else knows them so well? Just stay with him, he’s all they truly need anyway.

♧ → “You seem pretty tired lately. Let me know if you need help with anything, you can lean on me.”

♧ → “Isn’t it exhausting to hang around those guys? Come by if you need a breath of fresh air.”

♧ → “Oh, are you in a good mood? Could you help me with something?”

. Cater Diamond

Main Yandere Type → Obsessive | Stalker 

♦ Cater, while hard to attract, is a rather discreet yet intense yandere. He fights his feelings more than riddle does and fights it for longer. He does what he can to try and shove his feelings down, burying his face in his phone whenever he sees them. But sooner or later, he won’t be able to ignore the urge to angle his phone just right and snap a quick photo. 

♦ At first, he’s tempted to post it as a joke but the idea of sharing such a special picture with anyone else just makes his insides churn. So he starts a private collection, full of photos, videos of his darling. He finds himself staring at them, analyzing any detail he notices. Cater is quick to fall after his breaking point, obsession keeping a tight hold on his heart and head.

♦ He makes an extra effort to keep smiling in front of them, Cater thinks that if he seems happy, then his darling (and others, but there’s a strong focus on darling) will like him more. Cater attempts to flirt with them at times, but the sheer weight of having their full attention is almost too much for him to handle; he usually backs out of it as casually and quickly as possible. 

♦ Cater will probably need some reassurance to approach his darling, or at least time. He doesn’t really feel like he deserves someone like his darling, hell, just looking at them makes his heart jump into his throat. Not that it bothers him too much, stalking them is good enough for him. 

♢ → “You look super pretty today, we should pose for my magicam~!”

♢ → “Ah, you’re always so interesting! Let’s talk more often~”

♢ → “Are you bored? Wanna help me with my magicam? It’ll be fun~”

. Ace Trappola 

Main Yandere Type → Manipulative | Cruel

♥ Ace blames them for making him feel the way he does. He fully embraces his emotions and teases his darling for it. Not that he outright confesses to them, in fact, he’s pretty likely to hide that his feelings are romantic; at least for a bit. Darling will probably assume he’s just a mean kinda person. He’s just teasing, no need to get worked up about it... right?

♥ Of course, he doesn’t constantly tease. If they need help with something, leave it to Ace! He’ll show them just how reliable and trustworthy he is! Sure, he’s immature, but he’s still totally better than any other guy! Geez, they make him feel all intense and gushy, yet don’t even make an effort to make him their number one? What the hell’s wrong with them?

♥ Don’t worry too much about it, Ace is happy to show you how to act towards him! He’s not the most patient person, so they’ll probably get out of it in favor of doing something fun with Ace. Do better next time, okay? 

♥ He likes the idea of being around them 24/7, if not just to make sure he’s the only guy on their mind. Ace probably thinks about stalking them if they’re doing something without him, but where’s the fun in that? If he’s going to stalk them, he’d rather just waltz up to them and start up a conversation or something else fun. He has to talk to them to woo them after all! 

♡ → “Why’re you just standing there? If you’re not busy, let’s go do something fun!”

♡ → “Did you miss me? Ha! I knew it! You’re so easy to read.”

♡ → “You should come to Heartslabyul! It’s a lot more fun than Ramshackle.”

. Deuce Spade

Main Yandere Type → Protective | Delusional 

♠ Deuce doesn’t have much experience with the feelings his darling gives him, so he’s rather possessive, and protective, of their “relationship”. He does understand they aren’t really dating, but he can’t help but feel like they feel the same. The side glances they share… It must mean something! He can’t help but feel like they’re hiding their feelings behind a friendly mask. They must not want the others to feel awkward, that’s all!

♠ He makes extra steps to make sure they feel comfortable coming to him for help. He’s very reliable! Deuce is happy to assist with what he can, that’s what boyfriends do, right? Deuce will especially want to know if anyone’s bothering his darling, he’ll take care of them. All darling has to do is ask for help, Deuce is happy to set some asshole in their place.

♠ Need help with a subject? Well, he’s not the best at doing schoolwork but he’ll encourage his darling! Deuce will do his best, even if it’s a subject he’s horrible at. If they haven’t joined a club, he’ll ask (beg-) them to join Track and Field! It’s fun, and they’ll get to spend more time together, doesn’t that sound great?  

♠ He’s also likely to attempt to stalk them, only to just approach them instead. Though he’ll try to back off some, as much as he’d love to spend every second of every day with them. Though, if he gets some “hints” that they want him around more, he’s more than happy to oblige. 

♤ → “Where are you going? Let’s walk together.”

♤ → “Ah- Sorry about that! I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

♤ → “I want to be dependable, so don’t be scared to rely on me.”

- Heartslabyul | Savanaclaw | Octavinelle | Scarabia | Pomefiore | Ignihyde | Diasomnia -

[amazingphilza]

snapchat :: c!tommy x reader

fluff / angst , platonic , gender neutral ! first request whoop whoop :D [check pinned for more info on requests]

synopsis: ‘what’s so bad about adding every person on snapchat?’ tommy thought. unknowingly, with all the other people he begins talking to during exile, one ends up being you; tubbo’s younger sibling. that is until you both visit tommy in logstedshire.

cw: i purposely misspell a few words for the texting part, i hope it’s still readable for y’all! and i haven’t actually used snapchat in years so let’s pretend i know what i’m doing :)

tommy smiled at his brand new phone

first thing he does? install snapchat and reddit

if he couldn’t talk to his best friends face to face anymore, at least he had people online to talk to, right?

tommy hoped from all his possessions dream would destroy, he could at least keep a phone

without much thought, tommy opened snapchat and began adding every account and messaging them the same obnoxious message

BE MY FRIEND . MESSAGE BACK NOW.

most people chose ignore tommy, not having a clue why he was messaging them

but as for you, when you had the notification that someone added you on snapchat and started aggressively messaging you, it made you curious

you read their user

“wife haver”?? huh???

instead of immediately blocking the person, you replied back

what?

not even less than a second later you get a reply back

OH MY GOD FINALLY SOMEONE

IM DYING

without context, you were more than confused

genuinely dying is very alarming but you shouldn’t text a random stranger your last words

huh?

THE GREEN BASTARD TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME

YOURE ALL I HAVE LEFT

plwase helo

Help

where did tou go

Ohm hgod

hHello?

NOOOO NOT YOU TOO

PLEASR

you laughed at the person’s desperation and ignored the messages

if the stranger wasn’t going introduce themselves, you wouldn’t either

however, after a while you realized you had over 100 snapchat notifications within an hour of trying to ignore the person

however it was just jumbled up words and useless spam, nothing important

as if the stranger would said anything important to your concern anyway

do you ever shut up??

fuck you

a normal person wouldve taken offense by these messages but you found them quite amusing

it wasn’t like you had anything else better to do

and this acceptance was the start of your odd friendship with the stranger

you were still on edge because you had no idea who they were and their intentions but the anonymity was mutual nonetheless

if the desperate spamming “wife haver” isn’t going to formally tell you who they actually were, you weren’t going to risk exposing yourself first

but in the past few weeks, you and the person had normal conversations apart from the first day they messaged you

well as normal as you could’ve expected from someone named “wife haver”

they were the first to send an actual snap as well

that was when you found out the “wife haver” was an obnoxious boy that looked around your age, maybe a slightly older

he had sent you a photo of him holding a thumbs up and trying to smile when he was clearly upset

just got all my stuff exploded again, feeling good

you noticed his messy blonde hair and tattered clothes

what the hell happened to this guy?

part of you was confused, and the other was concerned

u good bro??

well

i don’t have anymore tools and materials if that’s anything

so no

this is shit

lmao it was probably deserved

FUCK YOU!!!!!

im kidding that’s sad

but like do u actually need stuff?

you contemplated sending your next message and thought of the consequences

but in the end, you were probably better off than him so if he did try to do something suspicious, you could easily just leave with your trident or defend yourself

i can bring some things over if you’d like

please oh my god it’s so boring here

where the hell do you even live???

it finally hit that you would be visiting this mysterious person

you never really had much to do during the day and he had nothing against your enchanted netherite armor when compared to his worn-out clothes

you were surprised that he was quick to be comfortable with you visiting him so continued to message the boy

if you live nearby i can just stop over and bring some spare diamond tools and armor if you’d like or smth

DIAMOND !,?’/:@!?:/-',(

ya sure lol

WTF

GOOD SHIT LAD! THANKS

WHEN DO U WANT TO VISIT???

his shock and excitement made you smile

maybe this wasn’t a bad idea

before replying, you quickly ran to your storage room you gather your spare items

instead of normally texting, you decided to take a picture of all the enchanted tools and armor and send back a snap

i’m down for tomorrow, turn on your snapmaps so i can come by ;D

he quickly replied back with handfuls of ‘holy shits’ and ‘YEAHS’

you couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear which caught the attention of your older brother who had just walked in to get blocks from the wall of chests

“ew why are you smiling at your phone like that?”

“oh shut up, tubbo”

“it’s weird”

you roll your eyes at him in a playful matter

“whatever! i’m gonna be out tomorrow to visit a friend, okay?”

“you have friends? wow, sounds like a first”

“you’re such a dick!!” you yell at him whilst trying to hold in your laughter

“oh yeah? go on, tell me about this friend of yours then. meeting strangers online, hm?”

“if you’re so concerned, you can come with if you’re not busy with whatever a president does. i promise they’re not some weirdo like you”

tubbo’s tone was sarcastic but he agreed then left you to your own thoughts

you were excited for tomorrow that you were restless in your bed when nighttime had came

somehow you managed to fall asleep from tiredness in the middle of the night

soon enough it was morning

before doing anything, you checked your phone and went through all your notifications

you then checked snapchat, browsing snapmaps and realized how far you had to travel

despite the long travel, you brought yourself up from your bed and gathered all the items you were going to bring

you stuffed a full set of enchanted diamond armor, tools, and over a stack of golden carrots all in your inventory

after finishing all your preparations, you searched for your older brother

with just a loud yell of his name he appeared almost instantly

“you ready to go, tubbo?”

“yep! you know where you’re going right?”

you scoffed at the question

“of course!”

and with that, the two of you traveled on foot until you reached the ocean

you had brought 2 boats with you knowing that you couldn’t imagine being in the same boat as your brother; it would’ve ended up in endless bickering

after a while of being at sea, tubbo started to become impatient

“what the hell! how far does this person live, y/n??”

“i dunno!”

you knew the general direction you were supposed to be going to after studying your snapmaps all morning but you couldn’t check how much farther it would take to get there; there was obviously no signal in the middle of the ocean

it felt like forever before you saw land in the horizon

suddenly you regained all the energy you have lost from rowing

“there!! that place with the white tent, i can barely see it”

“finally”

with the burst of energy, you got to land in no time

the moment you got off your boat, the blonde spotted the two of you and ran in your direction

once appearing nearly feet apart, he stared at your brother who also had the shocked expression

“TOMMY?”

“TUBBO?”

your brother had more of a confused expression whilst the other boy seemed a bit mad

maybe he was always mad considering the endless conversations you had with him ranting about some ‘green bastard’

but tubbo quickly got defensive, stepping in front of you

you didn’t understand how they knew each other beforehand, but at the same time you never caught up with tubbo’s friends either

you needed answers

“what’s going on?”

“y/n! you were messaging tommy this whole time? why didn’t you tell me?”

tubbo was clearly frustrated and a feeling of guilt washed over you

it didn’t click that you never exchanged names and admitting it did not seem believable

tubbo was in complete shock, trying to process everything that was happening

“WHAT?! AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING?”

you mumbled out your words

“a few weeks, i can’t remember”

“uh, yeah sorry” tommy had confirmed your statements. “i didn’t even know you had a sibling, tubbo! i actually didn’t know their name until now as well..”

“HUH??”

“but if i knew i was messaging a tub-ling, i wouldn’t have in the first place!”

“what the fuck tommy!!!”

“no, but how do you even know each other?” you had interrupt the two

tubbo had chosen his words carefully

“we’re... friends”

tommy had seemed upset at this

“tubbo....”

“no, don’t talk to me, tommy. you were exiled for a reason. y/n? give him the stuff you wanted to him and let’s go, this was a waste of time”

you were saddened but obliged, you didn’t want to anger your brother even more

“fuck you, tubbo! can’t believe this was how you visit me for the first time, i don’t even want your pity shit”

before you could react, tubbo led you to the back of his boat

he got in the front and quickly rowed away from the land you barely stayed on, leaving your boat behind on the shores

you looked back at tommy who already had left back to his tent

the boat ride was silent and full of sorrow until you arrived back at l’manburg

once you got home you immediately opened snapchat to message tommy

hey tommy i’m really sorry about today. i had no idea,,,

you thought he would’ve ignored your message but instead replied right after

but your heart sank at reading the message

it’s fine

i think it’s best we stop talking y/n

you didn’t want to lose a friend so quickly but after all the tension from today, you didn’t know how to come back from it

so instead of arguing you agreed, even if it wasn’t honest

yeah, me too

and that was the last message you sent to tommy

even though the whole situation was confusing from the start, it didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy the random conversations you had

the bizarre encounter was unforgettable

it made you even sadder when you realized the first time you two used each other’s names through text would also be the last

a/n: ngl, i didn’t think i would finish this on a kinda angsty ending but here we are! and grrr it’s 4am and i just wanted to finish this,, let’s hope there aren’t that many grammar mistakes LMAO anyway i hope y’all enjoyed <3

[megsmulti]

Day 2: “If we don’t get out of here-” “We will!”

First off, before I begin, I just want to give a special thank you to @fighterkimburgess for introducing me to this rare, but beautiful, ship. I know you’re going through some things right now, so I hope this puts a smile on your face!

This takes place around s3 of Med, around the time when Sarah Reese’s father comes to Chicago. 

                            ----------------------------------------------

Sarah Reese was not having a good day. Or week as far as she was concerned. Her father came back into town and at first, she was elated to see him, but now that she found out that he’s supposedly a psychopath, how was she supposed to feel about all of this? 

She had a patient waiting up in the psych ward, so she decided to take the elevator because she was almost late and she didn’t want to keep them waiting any longer. However, someone else wanted to take the elevator as well. 

“Dr. Reese,” Connor said. 

“Dr. Rhodes,” Sarah replied.

“How are things with your dad going?” He was the doctor that was working on the man’s heart after all, so it never hurt to check in. 

“Oh, same ol, same ol.” A ding sound was heard and the elevator opened. Connor let Sarah go first, being ever the gentleman. There was no one else coming, so it looks like it will be just the two of them heading up to where they needed to go. 

The elevator was working fine and dandy for about a minute or so until it started moving frantically and the lights were flickering all over the place, jerking both of them around. 

“Whoa!”

“What the hell?” Connor muttered. The elevator suddenly stopped. “Great, just great!” He slammed his hand on one side. “Of course, on the day I have a huge surgery planned!” The lights came back on. 

“I’m sorry, Connor.” 

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” He looked up at the ceiling. “Looks like it’s just the two of us for a while.” Sarah nodded. Boy, did the day just get longer. 

                       -------------------------------------------------

About half an hour passed since Connor and Sarah got trapped in the elevator. They tried everything, including pressing buttons on the panel, (yes, they did call the fire department without a phone signal) to finding weird and obscure ways out. Obviously, they were unsuccessful. 

“I swear to god, if we don’t get out of here-” Connor said, patience running way past thin now. 

“We will!” Sarah replied. Neither one of them could blame the other for being on edge. Their patients were probably worried sick and it’s all because a damn elevator decided to be stubborn. 

Connor leaned on the side wall and sat down. He figured if he was gonna be stuck inside this thing for a while, he might as well rest while doing so. 

“Sarah, I’m sorry I’m springing all of my anger onto you.” She didn’t seem worried about it in the slightest. “It’s just that every time a surgery of mine gets canceled for some reason, Dr. Bekker ends up gloating about hers when she gets done with the patient she was working on.” Sarah just looked at him, seeing if he’ll say more. “I’m just tired of it. Tired of needing to prove myself to be validated. I’ve already had enough of that throughout my life as it is.”

“I understand.” Connor looked up. “What you’re going through.” He was confused. “I lied earlier when you asked me how things with my dad were going.” 

“Well, how are they going?” 

Sarah sighed. Looks like it was her turn to confide in him. “Not that great. Apparently, Dr. Charles received a package that contained newspaper clippings of women that went missing. My dad taught in those exact same cities on the exact same days of those incidents.” Connor widened his eyes, not liking where this was going. “Come to find out he murdered them.” She was in tears at this point and he wasn’t sure what to do. “I didn’t know about all of this until a few days after he got the package.” 

“God, Sarah. No one deserves to go through that.” Sarah swears she’s heard that message a million times before. She knew Connor meant well, but that sentence gets old real fast. “How do you feel about all of this?” 

“That’s the thing, I don’t know. I don’t know whether to be angry at my dad for killing innocent women and being some kind of deranged lunatic or whether to be mad at Dr. Charles for keeping something this important from me for so long.” 

“Just go with your gut.” Connor’s really piling on the wisdom today, isn’t he? “Go with your gut and see where it takes you.” He added on a light smile at the end of his spiel. 

“I’m also worried that I’ll end up a psychopath.” 

“Sarah, if I know anything about you, it’s that you are super loyal to your patients. I know damn well that you didn’t stop until you got a diagnosis on Robin when she was sick. You were the only person I trusted to be her psychiatrist because I know you would shoot me straight and not give me pity like everyone else would’ve.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. You’re also willing to step up to the plate and help out when needed, even if the patient isn’t yours. That’s the kind of person you are and I am so happy and grateful to be friends with that person.” Connor full well knew what was going on inside Sarah’s head. He was telling her that she won’t end up like her father. It’s the same message that he’s been trying to tell himself for years. 

“Thanks, Connor. I know you weren’t planning on being a therapist to a psychiatrist of all people, but I needed that.” He laughed. Leave it to Connor Rhodes to make you feel better even when he’s not in the best of moods himself. 

Both of them heard a noise outside the elevator. Tools were being inserted inside and a lieutenant was barking orders at his crew. CFD must have showed up and they weren’t paying attention. Within minutes, the door to the elevator opened and they were able to get out. Everyone in the ED crowded around, worried about their friends. 

Connor & Sarah might not have been super close, but it took the two of them being stuck in an elevator to feel like more than that. Not more than platonic, but closer than ever before. Their friendship is not going to be taken for granted again, that’s for sure. 

[watevermelon]

Cheater!Akaashi x Reader

✧ Summary: (Continuation) Akaashi is still in love with you and begs for your forgiveness.

➳ A/N: It surprised me how many people wanted a part 2 to Akaashi’s initial cheating imagine, but here we are!!  Ask and you shall receive. People want good things for the reader and I agree -- that’s too bad this is what we got instead LMAO ➳  Masterlist ➳  Part One 

--------xXxXxXxXxXx--------

You could’ve gone the rest of your high school career without ever having to hear the word volleyball ever again. The only interest you had in it was from your ex-boyfriend and now any reminder just left a bitter pang in the pit of your stomach. 

Thankfully, Akaashi was not in your class and there actually were not any volleyball players in your homeroom. But that didn’t stop them from popping up in your peripherals or in some rumours around school. 

Some of the members of the volleyball team would shoot looks at you, whether out of pity or curiosity, you couldn't care less. You fostered your own relationships with the athletes individually - whether it was Haruki’s strange brand of humor, Sarukui’s constant references to memes, or Wataru’s lopsided smiles - you knew them. 

You shared, or rather suffered together, in a class with Konoha the year before. A bright first year with no friends yet, Konoha was a nice person and the first one of the entire volleyball team to actually speak to you. He was even the one to introduce you to both Akaashi and Bokuto.

Out of the bunch, Konoha was often a tag-along when it came to hangouts. Whether it was to the arcade or the movie theatres, you and your (ex)boyfriend were quick to include the others. And usually Bokuto and Konoha would come along as well. Looking back, now you felt like an idiot, Konoha was one thing, but Bokuto was always there.

Nonetheless, as a member of the volleyball team, you knew Konoha was close to Akaashi. And there was no doubt which side he would be taking, no matter the moral high-ground. 

There was too much history there and there would be no attempt on your part to salvage the friendships you had with the volleyball team. 

There was no doubt of the curiosity in everyone’s minds the moment you and Akaashi were broken-up and there was a new person he was holding hands with. It went from general confusion to malicious rumours. Akaashi was the silent boy next door, the person everyone thought to be the perfect boyfriend without a bad bone in his body.

Some said that he broke up with you because you were too mean, too boring, or he simply lost interest in your boring lifestyle.

If only other people knew what he had done to you and Bokuto.

You didn’t believe this was the hill you wanted to die on. And so you ignored the carefully whispers that followed you in the hallways. Your best friends urged you to clear your name - you were the wronged party so why must you be the one to continue suffering? But this was not something you wanted to bring up again, not something you wanted to think about and relive after how painful it was the first time.

But it seemed the volleyball Gods really hated you.

Konoha approached you one day, after class had just ended but before extracurricular clubs were about to start.

“Hi.” He stood beside your locker as you organized your things, “Can we talk?”

You nodded wordlessly, packing up your bookbag and following him out the door. He guided you toward the outside fountain by the athletic building, not many students passing by as they rushed home through the main entrance. A part of you worried that some of the other volleyball members would pass by as you sat there together, but then you realized that it was no longer your problem.

You were seated on the edge, silently watching his pensive expression before he finally turned to you.

“I feel like I owe you an apology.” He started.

“What, why?”

“I could’ve told you a year ago that something strange was happening between Akaashi and Bokuto.”

You felt a lump in your throat, not sure what to say.

He shook his head and turned away, “There was something there even before you two were dating. And so even when Akaashi asked you out, I bet you were surprised?’

You frowned, but agreed quietly with a nod of your head.

“We barely knew each other at the time.”

Konoha scoffed, you were unsure why exactly, but he continued, “Out of curiosity, why did you agree?”

You smiled back wistfully at the memory, remembering how you had excitedly texted your friends on how the Akaashi Keiji had asked you to be his girlfriend.

“It was so simple back then.” You explained, “He was the kind, pretty setter of the nationally-ranked volleyball team. It was shallow, based off of what little I heard about.”

“But you grew to love him.”

“Yeah.” You scoffed, “And look what that brought me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Haruki passed by, texting away on his phone, mind on something else before he spotted the two of you. He waved at Konoha first before his eyes landed on you, widening in obvious surprise before he shot you a genuinely wide smile.

“A lot of them miss you too.” Konoha explained.

“Well sorry, I tend to avoid anything regarding the volleyball team these days.”

“Don’t worry, as much as this sucks, we understand.”  Konoha frowned, clenching one of his hands into a fist in annoyance at the situation.

“But I do miss you guys too.” You added.

Konoha smiled, fondly remembering the last time you had all gone to the arcade, “Who could forget the time you beat Haruki at Dance Dance Revolution?” 

“He certainly did not.” You recalled, “He kept challenging me all the way up to mid-terms.” 

Konoha laughed, no one on the team was able to defeat the libero. And yet here you were, all smiles and confidence radiating off of you, bringing the third year to his knees. It made Konoha wonder if the last year could have been different. 

When Akaashi had approached you, Konoha had dutifully stood to the side. The setter was one of his closest friends and never had he approached anyone in the past. He was often busy with the team or Bokuto. And for Akaashi to have asked you, it meant he was serious. And so Konoha had stood to the side, his crush on you mollified if that meant you’d be happier with the setter your age.

If Konoha had the courage to ask you out instead, would you still be close to the volleyball team? Would you be celebrating an anniversary together rather than crying over some lecherous bastard he called a friend?

You sighed and turned to Konoha, registering his earlier words. “Why are you sorry?”

“What?”

“Why are you sorry about what happened with Akaashi?”

“Ah.” He raked an open palm through his hair. “Maybe I could have stopped you.”

“What?” You asked, a confused smile on your face.

“I introduced the two of you after all.” He explained.

“Shut up.” You said in a teasing tone, “No one could have stopped it. I was just dumb enough to fall for him.”

Konoha shot a small grin back at you, “Yeah, you were.”

Sighing loudly, you made sure you had all your stuff before standing. “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah.” Konoha held out a hand for you to shake, “I hope we can still be friends.”

It was odd, to feel the small blossom of something in the pit of your stomach. This was Konoha, your friend of two years at this point. This was nothing more than him trying his best to affirm your friendship, you reminded yourself.

“I hope so too.”

And, to his credit, he really did try. It was simple things - you had each other’s chat ID’s from your shared class together and, every once in a while, he would send you a meme or a small tidbit of information. You still had things in common, subjects ranging from the current shounen anime and TV shows you kept up with.

It was refreshing to talk to him. Your friends had your back, but the school’s curiosity was not easily satisfied with time. People were naturally nosy, eager to know the true reasons behind your failed relationship. Both you and Akaashi had yet to even address it and it only got worse with Bokuto’s increasing PDA.

Thankfully, no one was audacious enough to actually approach you about the situation. No one else was involved in your relationship and they had no right to actually point fingers.

That was until someone had the audacity to come up to you during the free period, most of everyone on campus enjoying their lunches.

You were sitting at your usual table, waiting for your friends to come from their respective classrooms when one of the more annoying third-years came up to you.

You recognized her as president of the Fukurodani Volleyball fanclub, this should be fun.

“I think you should apologize to Akaashi-san.”

You closed your book and looked up. The usual bustle of the lunchroom was dying down, many people silencing as they turned to the interaction. 

“What?”

“For wasting his time - he deserved so much better than you.” She bit out cruelly, the other girls behind her nodding in agreement. “And we all think it’s high time you beg for forgiveness.”

You stood up, pure annoyance rolling off of you. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh? I don’t?” She challenged, “Why would Akaashi date you of all people? And now that the two of you are broken-up he’s been sadder than I’ve ever seen him! This is your fault!”

You slapped your book down and raised your chin, “If that’s what you honestly think then you’re as ignorant as you are a meddling piece of shit.” 

The murmurs that followed were obvious, people listening in to your harsh response.

She raised her hand as if to slap you, obviously offended at being called out to the entire lunchroom. “Why I outta --”

But the offending hand never came.

“Leave her alone.”

You could recognize your ex-boyfriend’s voice anywhere. Turning, you saw Bokuto enter your field of vision and grasp at her wrist in a tight hold, held high above your head. Akaashi was standing on the other side in front of you, an arm-outstretched as if to protect you from the group of girls.

“She didn’t do anything wrong.” Akaashi stated clearly, his gaze was unwavering from the girl, but you were sure that the entire room was now listening in. “It was me.”

She stuttered, attempting to save face, “Akaashi-san, surely that’s not true.”

He turned to her, his blank expression now marginally colder. “You have no idea what you are talking about.”

The mean third-year visibility recoiled, turning to you and apologizing under her breath. Bokuto swung her arm away, his glare enough to scare away the rest of the group, but the room was still obviously silent. Bokuto scanned the rest of the room with his tough stare, many people turning away and vainly attempting to restart their conversations. 

Akaashi turned to you, an unsure expression on his face. There were words on the tip of his tongue, you were sure, since he looked as if there were a thousand things he wanted to say.

“I’m not going to say thanks.” You decided to start for him.

“I know.”

You wanted to turn away from him again, no words left for you to say or even scream at him through your anger. This was more than just some ex, you genuinely loved Akaashi and thought he was going to be your future. And from the way he acted, it seemed like the setter wanted that as well.

“There’s something I want to say.” Akaashi stated before you could flee.

“Maybe not here.” Bokuto tugged at your elbow, motioning to the nearest hallway with his chin. 

You followed Akaashi wordlessly, Bokuto behind you to make sure you didn’t just run away. You sure that there were more than a few dozen pairs of eyes sticking to the backs of your strange trio.

Akaashi led you to a corner, no one to spy on your conversation unless they hung outside the building from the window. He moved to gently grasp your forearms, but you pushed him off before he could get a firm hold on you. 

He frowned, but looked at you intently. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Okay.” You stated back plainly, “I can’t forgive you.”

Akaashi hesitated, a dejected look on his face. “I know.”

Every bone in your body was screaming at you to walk away, to stop looking at his despondent pout and not fall for his sad look. You remembered the first time you fell in love with his smile - how easy he would flash that beaming expression at you. How Akaashi would tell you how much he loved you and it filled your heart until it overflowed.

And now all of those memories were worth nothing.

Screw being a bigger man, your heart had a thousand things it wanted to say.

“I really loved you, you know.” You pushed at his shoulder, “And now I can’t look at you without feeling like I hate you.”

“I know.”

“I was so in love with you I thought this would be it.” You felt your heart crying, but urged the motion down. “Why kiss me and tell me you love me when you had someone else on your mind the entire time?!”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Akaashi looked just as anguished, trying to reach out to you with shy hands on your shoulders. “Please just listen to me.”

But you shoved him away this time, “What could you possibly have to say to me?”

“I love you.” 

His blue eyes bore right into your own, determined and sure of his previous statement. Looking over his shoulder, Bokuto was standing to the side, his gaze stuck on you as well. How the hell was this normal?

“What?”

Akaashi paused, hands coming up to hold you but stopping short again when he realized that was the last thing you needed. “I’m in love with both of you.”

You huffed and took a step back, what could you possibly say to that? There was a sudden flurry of emotions just whirring around your mind -  a rush of elation at being loved, immediately squashed down by the annoyed at Akaashi’s selfishness.

You turned to Bokuto, “You believe this?”

The wing-spiker frowned, but affirmed it in a loud voice. “Yes.”

“No.” You started back quickly, shaking your head. “I refuse to be part of this.”

“It’s true.” Akaashi pushed, moving toward you with an ernst expression on.

“I don’t care if it’s true or not.” You moved away again, but this time Akaashi did not let you evade him. Putting firm hands on your shoulders, he pulled you against his chest. “Stop.”

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I can’t.” Akaashi continued, “I love you and it hurts me so much that I hurt you in the process.”

You struggled against his hold until he let go. “How could I listen to you be so selfish?” 

“I know.”

“Don’t involve me in this.” You motioned at the both of them in a wide circle. 

“(F/N).” Akaashi stressed, eager to get you to see his side, but you wanted nothing to do with him or Bokuto. He broke your heart enough, there was no way you were willing to entertain him back in your life.

“What don’t you understand about leaving me alone?” You raised your voice, annoyed that Akaashi was asking anything of you after treating you so cruelly.

“Please let me explain.” Akaashi kept repeating.

There was nothing, absolutely nothing that Akaashi could say that would ever make you think about introducing him back into your life. He was terrible for lying to you for months, maybe even as long as a year, but you didn’t want to exactly ask the length of his infidelity. He was a terrible boyfriend and an even worse person - you were ready to raise hands at both boys if they didn’t let you go this instant.

Bokuto blocked your path this time, “(L/N), come on we just -- “

“What’s going on here?” A gentle hand fell on your shoulder, pushing Bokuto aside as a new person entered your conversation.

Konoha stood tall behind you, his sudden appearance quelling your rising anger. If not, you were sure that you were going to throw hands with the volleyball boys. Bokuto would probably fight you off, but slapping Akaashi would feel cathartic in a way.

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” Bokuto tried to wave away the other wing spiker. “We’re just talking.”

“(F/N), please. Let me explain it all to you.” Akaashi stressed, moving a step in your direction, to which Konoha challenged when he tilted his head upward. 

“Right, just talking.” Konoha murmured in disbelief before turning to you. “And how do you feel?”

“I’ve had enough of this conversation.”

Both Akaashi and Bokuto exclaimed your name in contrasting tones, but you hardened your expression before turning away from them. Konoha still had a hand on your shoulder as you walked back to the lunchroom.

Your friends were already at your table, some of them standing around pacing while others were angrily chewing into their food. A chorus of your name followed as the two of you neared the table, some of them getting up from their seats to give you a comforting hug.

“(F/N)!” Your best friend was quick to rush you, crushing you between her arms. “We heard that Akaashi and Bokuto basically ushered you away.”

“The whole lunchroom was basically watching that door.” Another stated, pointing to the one you just came from.

Your best friend put her hands on your shoulder, steading your attention back to her. “Please tell me you remembered that men ain’t shit.”

Konoha laughed as he put a mocking hand of offense over his heart.

“Yeah, yeah.” You assured her, “I’m not about to make the same mistake again.”

“Good.” She confirmed, before turning to Konoha. “Okay, only Konoha has rights.”

“Thanks.” He stated back half-heartedly, guiding you back to your lunch and taking the seat beside you.

“When people told us they took you away, we weren’t sure what to do. Go after you? Call you to give you an out? We didn’t even know how long you had been gone for!” She explained, “Thankfully Konoha here came to the rescue.”

You turned to the wing-spiker, smiling as you did so. “He really did, thank you.”

He reflected a similar expression back at you, holding your gaze before springing away to take out his own lunch out of his bag.

“I take it back, the volleyball team has no rights with the exception of Konoha.” One of your friends joked.

As for you, you could not help but think back to the fond expression Konoha just shot you. It was so quick, and yet so genuine, you felt it pierce your heart so suddenly just to rip away from you when he turned away. But not in a bad way, per se.

If anything, this was a nice feeling, for a lack of a better term, to have again. You were not totally healed, still angry at both Akaashi and Bokuto for being complete fuckheads. But a part of you was still alive, happy to see Konoha as your friend and just maybe… maybe something else.

Akaashi and Bokuto returned back to the lunchroom silently, having left their stuff at their now fully occupied table. Bokuto didn’t bother to even turn in your direction, but Akaashi shot you a devastatingly sad frown as he passed. 

A part of you wanted to comfort it, to leap out at the man who loved you for the past year. But you were thankfully steadied back to reality when Konoha put a gentle hand on your own. Akaashi’s gaze fell to the contact, making him stop entirely in his tracks. It was only when Bokuto grabbed his hand did the setter continue walking, but the shock on his face was palpable.

No matter, Akaashi was the last thing you wanted on your mind right now.

You upturned your hand and squeezed Konoha’s smiling at the third-year before turning back to your lunch.

The situation was far from resolved, you still had another two years at this drama-infested school and Akaashi seemed keen on explaining something to you. You were far from completely healed and it seemed the student body would not let this drama go unnoticed.

But you were getting there.

Little by little, you were re-learning to smile and laugh more. Places on campus were no longer bitter memories, but quiet lessons for you to remember. You had your loving best-friends and suddenly, the kind Konoha, at your side.

You had no worries about the rest of the school year, you would get through this with a head held high.

--------xXxXxXxXxXx--------

A/N: TBH for myself i could see this going both ways; reader saying nah OR reader entering a poly relationship. idk - i’ll write it if someone wants to see that ending but otherwise here we are :):

➳  Masterlist

[xxiaoyang]

lucid | xiaojun (m)

xiaojun has one too many secrets, one of them proving much harder to hide

words: 4.5k

warnings/tags: smut, dom!reader, sub!xiaojun, virgin!xiaojun, build up, masturbation, handjobs, feelings, comfort, xiaojun is kinda baby

a/n: i have no idea what to tag this it’s just me not being able to shut up about dejun but enjoy~

to you, it was pretty obvious you had a thing for xiaojun. or at least you thought it was, but the boy seemed entirely oblivious to it. which thinking about it was probably for the best. xiaojun was most passionate about his music and performing and you'd never want to jeopardize that, even if you did stand a chance. so you kept your feelings at bay, as much as you could working beside the beautiful man. you did your job and helped him do his, and that's how it was.

xiaojun was naturally friendly and developing a friendship with him came easily, the two of you being comfortable enough with one another to go past something strictly business. and that comfort helped with your job, being one of the staff who helps with styling and makeup. makeup artist was your primary role, so you spent a lot of days being up close and personal, which was probably no good for your health, but was the closest you could get to your deeper desires. you had learned to be content with that.

what you failed to pick up on was that xiaojun harbored feelings of his own. the not-so-subtle stares, the fond eyes he held for you. the way he hung on every word when you spoke and how he reveled in your speech when you shared tiny details about yourself with him.  

xiaojun thought and felt similarly to you, thinking that it wouldn't be the best idea to get involved, but also that you wouldn't want a guy like him. he didn't think anything was really wrong with him, but when he compared himself to the other guys, he felt like he wasn't enough. to be frank, he felt too inexperienced.

to xiaojun, you were so smart, insightful, always ready to help and so capable. you weren't that far from his age, but still he couldn't help but look up to you. you were all of those things without even being condescending, only ever lifting the people around you up and encouraging them. which is probably why xiaojun's brain felt so liberated to let it get this far. he just hoped you'd never catch on to his lingering eyes and you could just stay like this, as his kind noona, as his friend.

but of course, secrets can only stay hidden for so long.

okay, so maybe xiaojun had a little problem on his hands. in his humble opinion, he'd say a pretty decent sized problem, but a problem nonetheless. and he only had maybe five minutes to solve it before he had to get his makeup done. by you. he could not let you see him like this.

he didn't mean to get this way, usually he was good at controlling his urges and suppressing any feelings that accompanied them, but when you showed up to the studio for the day, he never stood a chance. you had decided to wear a dress today. different from your usual loose fitting pants and tops, this dress was more form fitting, hugging your torso and allowing his eager eyes to take in the curve of your chest all the way down to your hips where it was a little more flared to reveal your pretty legs. 

fuck, this wasn't helping. xiaojun threw himself back against the wall and held his face in his hands, feeling disappointed with himself that he'd think such lewd things about you, and as a result, be sporting a very noticeable hard on in his pants right now.

he had already been in here for ten minutes, excusing himself almost immediately upon your arrival and retreating to a single person dressing room to try to calm himself down. but it wasn’t going away, and he only had a few minutes before he needed to get ready for the shoot. where he'd have to be next to you. with you looking at him with your pretty big eyes and leaning over to apply his makeup and your soft touches on his jaw when you hold his face steady, and your skin peeking out from the lower neckline of the dress and nope. he couldn't go out there like this. it wasn't even going down, how was he going to face you?

xiaojun felt the frustration filling him rapidly, panic joining the flood to his senses, and he knew there was only one way to get rid of this in time. and it made him feel sick. he hated that the idea even entered his brain. he was normally too shy to even participate in conversation that was remotely sexual in nature, never mind do something so dirty where anyone could see him. was he really about to jerk off in a dressing room? he glanced at the time on his phone. he had enough time to bust one out.

but it wasn't that easy. even as hard and aching as he was, he was hesitant with his touches, trying to keep from making any sounds that would allude to what was going on in here. more than that, he couldn't stop thinking of you. thinking of your warm voice and even warmer eyes and how disgusted you would probably be with him if you knew what he was doing. he was disgusted with himself. he felt like such a pervert doing this without your knowledge. he imagined the disappointment in your eyes if you ever found out and it made him want to cry. tears were already welling up out of frustration and shame and he couldn't keep going.

xiaojun kneeled down on the ground hunched over with his head in his hands, probably looking as disgraceful as he felt. he tried his best not to cry, but thought maybe if he did it would kill his boner. he didn't want you to see his eyes and ask what was wrong, though, so he just tried to calm himself and breathe.

in his concentration he hadn't realized he'd been there for more than five minutes, already being past the time he needed to start getting his makeup done. he didn't notice your soft footsteps approaching the door. he didn't even notice your careful knocks on the door or the click of the doorknob twisting and revealing his pitiful form to you.

it had been a while since xiaojun had literally ran away earlier. you’d walked into the set and greeted the rest of the boys, and before you could even get to xiaojun he was booking it to the dressing rooms. figuring that he just needed some space, you paid little mind to it, growing increasingly concerned only when you saw the time tick by on the clock, every other member already made up and ready for the shoot. you decided at this point it was okay to look for him and at least see what was going on and try to get him back to start the day. you never in your wildest dreams expected to walk in on what you were seeing now.

xiaojun was all but crumpled on the floor, his face buried in his palms, his shoulders shaky, and his pants down to his knees on the floor. you couldn't stop your eyes from wandering south and that's when you saw the tent in his gray briefs, a large wet spot spread over the front. he still hadn't noticed your presence, and you were thankful cause you were sure the look on your face was absolutely ridiculous.

your heart felt like it was in your ass and you were hit with three overwhelming desires. the first, to rush to his side and try to comfort him and find out what's wrong. the second, to close the door and find a room of your own cause you were definitely soaking your panties now. and the third and most prominent, you wanted to help him relieve his problem.

you did none of those as you now had the attention of xiaojun, who nearly jumped out of his skin when he looked up and saw you in the doorway, his heart two beats shy of a heart attack. he gaped at you, floundering for the words to say as he just curled into a ball and did his best to hide himself. when you said and did nothing, he swallowed thickly and said the only thing his brain could muster.

"noona, i'm so sorry, it's not what it looks like."

if he was on the verge of crying before, now he felt like he was going to break down. tears stung at his eyes as he watched your face, blurry through his tears. he fucked up. he fucked everything up. xiaojun let his head fall between his knees and hugged them close to his chest, trying to soothe himself and also astral project to a place where he hadn't just been caught like this, by you.

you snapped out of your stupor at the sound of his voice breaking into a small sob, jumping into action, closing and locking the door behind you and carefully approaching him on the floor. to hell with the shoot. they could do all the other boys first. right now, you had to figure out what happened here.

you kneeled a few inches away from xiaojun, a tentative hand coming to rest on his elbow, you figured that was the safest spot. you moved it to his knee when he didn't respond to your touch and decided to break the ice.

"junie, what's the matter?" you tried to sound as soft and neutral as possible. he cried harder at your words and you felt your heart clench with sadness. you had decided that you hated seeing xiaojun cry more than anything in the world. and you needed to make it to stop.

you tested the waters and put your hands on his shoulders, gently rubbing them in an attempt to calm him. "hey, it's okay. you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but is there anything i can do to make you feel better?"

of course, you were still so kind to him, even when he was being a creep like this. he didn't deserve it. he didn't deserve your help. but he was so humiliated he couldn't move. he didn't know what to do. he wanted to come clean just so he could rid himself of these burdensome feelings and at least know he was honest. maybe you would understand. you were always so understanding. he whined and shook his head miserably.

you were glad to at least get a response from him, now wondering if your presence was unwanted. you decided to push a little further and if he didn't budge, you would leave. pretend you never saw anything.

"no, you don't want me to help? do you want me to leave you alone?"

you were being so patient and now he was just being rude. he huffed and shook his head faster, hoping you'd accept his nonverbal responses.

you understood that he didn't want you to leave, he just needed some time, so you carried on caressing his shoulders.

"can you tell me what happened?"

honestly, you had a pretty good idea, if the still present bulge in his briefs was any indication, but you weren't sure how he ended up like this. he was already upset before he’d noticed you walked in on him, so it couldn't just be embarrassment. you wanted to hear it from him.

xiaojun let out a shaky breath, no longer crying and just recovering from the sobs that left him. he knew he had to explain himself. he realized that letting you make your own story would probably feel worse to him than even your worst reaction to the truth. so he steadied his breathing and lifted his head, still covered by his hands. he wasn't ready to see you yet.

"i don't want you to get mad at me, but i’ll understand if you do."

okay, now you were really confused. why would you be mad at him... for being caught jerking off? clearly something was wrong beforehand, but you still walked in on him. shouldn't he be upset over that? you stayed silent and squeezed his shoulder, silently telling him to continue.

he rubbed at his eyes and sighed. this is it. there's no going back from here. he's going to tell you the truth and everything will be different. at best, you'll pretend that it doesn't bother you and just be mildly uncomfortable around him and at worst, you'll be repulsed by him and avoid working with him in the future. maybe even quit working for the group. he pushed down those thoughts. he owed you the truth.

his voice sounded foreign to him when he started speaking, hoarse and small to his own ears. he peeled his hands from his face but kept his head down, not wanting to see the look on your face as he poured himself out to you.

"i'm really sorry, noona. i didn't mean to. i didn't want to do this, i just couldn't control it. i thought it would go away on its own and when it didn't i tried to make it go away and it still didn't and i just felt so awful cause i thought such dirty things about you. i just can't help it. i..." he hesitated, unsure whether it was weird to include this but figuring if he's gone this far, he should bare it all and let you decide with the whole truth.

"i just like you a lot. you're so good to me and you're so beautiful and i couldn't stop my mind from wandering but i know it's wrong and i understand if you never want to talk to me again. i just don't want you to think of me like this."

your head felt numb. you had stopped your small motions on his shoulders, needing all your focus to comprehend his words. he was like this... because of you? he liked you?

your heartbeat increased to a steady hum, vibrating in your chest at his confession. there was so much to unpack, and much you'd have to address later, but for now the boy you had such strong feelings for needed your help, and needed to be relieved from his guilt.

without speaking you placed a hand on his jaw, raising his head to look into his eyes. they were red and puffy and he looked so pitiful yet so pretty. you were sure you'd started daydreaming in the studio and this was all fabricated in your mind. but the way xiaojun was searching your eyes was real, and the way he leaned into your touch, now realizing you had been stroking his cheek this whole time, was very real.

you wanted to take it slow, to comfort him and tell him it was okay, but you were still vaguely aware of the passing of time and knew you didn't have much of it. you needed to get your hands on him - now.

"can i help you?"

was he hearing that right? did you mean what he thought you meant? not only had you not gotten upset with him, but you wanted to help him. does that mean you feel the same? or at least want him in the same way?

as if reading his mind, you nodded, a small smile spreading over your delicate pink lips.

you realized he needed a little more assurance before you could go on. "i like you too, junie, a lot. i never wanted to act on it, but i can't help it either. and i'd really like to help you, if that's okay." your eyes flicked down to his problem.

surely he was imagining this. you hand combing through his bangs brought him down to earth and he could only nod. he didn't even just want you at this point. he needed you.

"let me make it better, junie." the nickname rolling off your tongue and sending a shiver down his spine.

you leaned in slowly, eyes on his lips before fluttering closed as you hovered barely an inch away from him, his hot breath grazing your skin.

to your surprise, he closed the gap and pressed his lips against yours, desperation flowing through him. you led him in moving your lips, deepening the kiss and relishing how soft his were. heat rushed through you and you felt greed rising up in you. you wanted more. you needed to taste him.

poking at his lips with your tongue you pushed into his mouth, his lips instantly parting for you with a gasp, and you licked at his tongue with your own.

xiaojun's breathing picked up and you knew he was still feeling it. he wanted this just as much. deciding to be forward you push one of his legs down by his knee, letting your hand slowly crawl up his thigh.

he struggled to keep up with your kiss, your tongue twirling hypnotically around his, freezing when he felt your hand on his thigh. panic took over his senses once again, realizing he had left out one minor detail. he was a virgin.

"n-noona."

you pulled yourself from him reluctantly, looking back into his eyes that were angled with worry. "what's wrong? is it too much?"

he straightened against the wall and shook his head, trying to look confident. he need to look a little less pathetic when he said this.

"i've... i've never done this before." he fascinated himself with the sleeves of his hoodie.

your heart started rolling around in your chest. could he be any sweeter? you felt bad for a second, wanting his first time to be a little nicer than just some quick handjob in a dressing room, but more than anything you wanted to make him feel good.

"that's okay. i'll just use my hands and if you want me to stop at any point i will." you tried not to sound patronizing.

he shook his head again, a pout taking over his face this time. "don't want you to stop. i want you. i just don't know what to do." he blushed.

you had to giggle at how adorable he could be even in a situation like this, taking his face in your hands and pecking his pouted lip. "it's okay, you don't have to do anything. let me take care of you."

your smooth voice melted him to his core, fully surrendering to you and your touch. he trusted you. he wanted you to do whatever you wanted to him. he just nodded and threw his head back against the wall.

you glanced at your phone, already being way past the time he needed to be ready by. what's five more minutes going to do? not wanting to be interrupted, you sent a text to kun, asking him for a few more minutes to talk to xiaojun and to have everyone else go before him. he replied in seconds, apparently having been worried and told you he'd do what he could and to try to hurry and get him back out quickly.

you couldn't tell if he was suspicious from his text alone, so you threw your cares with your phone somewhere on the floor and went back to the beautiful boy in front of you. the same boy who had just admitted his feelings for you and the fact that he was hard because of you.

returning to kneel in front of him, you placed one more quick kiss on his lips and smoothed your hands down his chest to his hips then his thighs, straightening his legs on either side of you. his face and neck were flushed and he barely held eye contact, feeling shy under your gaze. you were drinking up the sight, saving a mental image for later.

without wasting any more time, you palmed him over his briefs, his dick still straining under the material.

"this must be hurting, hm?" you gave him a few experimental strokes through the fabric and he whimpered, nodding frantically at you.

before continuing, you decided not to do this on the floor, your bare knees also starting to go numb on the cold tile, and pulled him to stand. "come on, let's get you on the couch." you helped him pull his pants off over his feet so he didn't trip on them and laid him across the futon.

he looked nervous, fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie, looking so small and fragile under you like this. it ignited a flame in you that you’d yet to place, saving the thought for later to pay attention to the boy beneath you.

you held his eyes as you hooked your fingertips under his briefs, pulling them down his thighs slowly, then letting them trail down his torso to his now bared lower half. his dick stood tall against his stomach, tip an angry red and glistening with precum. you weren’t sure what to expect, but he was bigger than you thought he would be. of course, his dick was just as pretty as him.

"such a big boy" you cooed, not sure where the tone came from but continuing as xiaojun seemed to twitch when you spoke. he turned his head from you.

“noona, don’t tease me.” he sounded so small. you rubbed his thigh and smiled.

“i‘m not. you’re just so cute, so tall and hard for me.” he let out a whine.

you curl your fingers around his length, finally feeling him under your touch, already intoxicated by his warmth and velvety skin. wiping your thumb over his tip, you collect his precum and spread it over his head, earning a loud moan from him.

“as much as i want to hear those pretty noises, you gotta keep it down so no one hears us, okay, baby?” 

xiaojun felt warmth pour through his chest. he never knew how much he wanted to hear you call him that. he wanted to be your baby. he nodded and brought his sleeved wrist to his mouth, his other hand gripping his hoodie.

you started pumping him in a steady rhythm, not wanting to make him wait any longer but trying to make it as enjoyable as possible. he was squirming under you doing his best to keep quiet, small moans and breaths escaping anyway. he never knew how good it could feel with your hands bringing him there. he was half convinced he’d never be able to be fully satisfied with his own hand again.

your free hand came to scratch at his inner thigh, making him shiver under you. “tell me, what were you thinking of that had you so worked up?” 

he gulped, barely coherent but still finding the words, “was your dress. thinking about your... breasts,” he whispered the word, “wanted to touch them, suck on them, have them all over me.” he was panting, his words having a clear effect on both of you. fuck, he was so hot.

“mm, i would love that, baby. maybe next time, somewhere more private.” you both laughed airily.

you wanted to stay here and pleasure him all day, ignoring your responsibilities in favor of earning pretty sounds from your pretty boy. but you knew you couldn’t be much longer, hoping this would be enough for xiaojun and that you’d have another, better time with him soon. 

with that you picked up speed, twisting around his head and paying special attention to the edges, occasionally running you finger over his leaking hole and pulling sharp gasps from him. 

maybe it was because it was his first time with someone else, or because he’d been hard for so long, or just because it’s you, but the coil in him was tightening embarrassingly fast. you felt so good.

you could tell he was getting close with his moans increasing in pitch, barely held back by his hand over his mouth. he looked like an angel. he didn’t even look real. but you knew this was because not even your mind could produce something so divine. you wanted to see him let go for you, because of you. with that goal in mind you pumped even faster, making sure the most friction was around his head.

he felt himself falling hard, barely able to control himself under your ministrations. it was so much. his moans bounced off the walls of the small room back to his ears, making him wince. he knew she shouldn’t be so loud but couldn’t stop. 

“it’s okay, baby, let go.” 

he whimpered, entire body shaking as he was nearing the edge. he wondered if he could find a way to stop time and have more of you to himself, but he was grateful for this for now.

your hand moved up his abdomen, lifting the hoodie up to his chin and putting his torso on full display. you eyed his chest hungrily, flicking a finger over one of his pink buds and drawing a small cry from him. so sensitive. tucking the fabric under his chin, you brought your second hand to his center to cup his balls, gently thumbing at them and learning what he liked best.

between that new sensation and the twisting motion you were using, he was going crazy. you worked him so well, he was surprised he’d even held out this long. almost on cue, he felt the heat pool and he knew he was at his end.

“noona, oh my god,” he was almost thrashing in your hold now, “gonna cum.”

he held off for a few more seconds, unsure if it was okay to just let go like this, but with one particular twist of your wrist, he was sent spiraling over the edge.

“cumming!” his hips bucked into your fist, strings of cum shooting impressively far up his chest, painting him in white. 

you let him set the pace with his thrusts as you milked him through, watching his face for a tell of when it was too much. he whined and jerked in your hand and you let him go, dipping a finger in a streak of cum on his tummy and bringing it to your lips to taste. 

xiaojun’s eyes blew wide at that, sitting up and putting a hand on your wrist to stop you, but having been too late. 

“sweetest thing i’ve ever tasted.”

the tips of his ears burned red and he let himself slump back on the couch. “thank you, noona. i’m sorry you had to find me like that.”

you went to run a hand through his hair but decided against it, wanting him to look somewhat composed when you went back out there.

“don’t be. i’ll admit, i never imagined i’d confess to you under those circumstances, but i can’t say i mind.”

he giggled, and like that the sweet boy you knew was back, smiling and stretching out his arm for your hand.

you held his for a moment before jumping up at the sound of knocking on the door. you didn’t have to wait long to figure out who it was, kun’s stern tone piercing through the wood, “if you brats are finished, we have some work to do!”

biting back a laugh, you and xiaojun rushed to fix yourselves, him pulling you back by the hand to press his lips to yours. “thank you, noona.” you just smiled.

“of course.”

[meher-sumedha]

Gwynriel Headcanon : Demons

Writing this at midnight even though I have a maths exam tomorrow. Slight TW of maybe a mental disorder. Also I feel like we don't talk enough about Gwyn's trauma, cause in this I mentioned it, a lot. But fluff too.

Gwyn was mad. Gwyn was made and furious with Azriel. But most of all, she was sad. Not angry, just sad. Sad to be rejected once more. Sad to be just a person who was a 'side girl'. Upset with the fact that she didn't work hard enough to nurture their friendship.

Sad with the fact that she wasn't enough. She spent an hour crying in her room. Her heart felt like it had been broken into a million more pieces after finally being broken. Being rejected by your mate, hell the one person you loved the most, hurt like hell.

Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't I enough? Could I have done something to prevent him leaving me? Why not me and her? What's the difference between us? And a sad and lonely voice in her answered, because no one can fall in love with you.

You have too much baggage, which no one wants to bear. You came into this world alone, you're going to live alone, and you're going to die alone. You are nothing, you are just an illusion. Your sisters don't love you, only the illusion you put up for them-

And Gwyn ran out of her room and down the 10000 stairs of the house leading to Velaris. Illusion. Illusion. Illusion. The word kept repeating itself in her mind.

Illusion of being the perfect girl. Illusion of being the girl next door. Illusion of being the sweet girl. Illusion. Illusion. ILLUSION! And the next thing she knew, was that the dark side of her mind took over.

It laughed. She heard the laugh in her mind. She knew it was taking over now. She continued down the steps of the house. Stop! Stop! Please, just please, please stop, she begged her thoughts. But it looked like her thoughts weren't hers anymore, they were demons.

Demons she thought that she had buried a long time ago. The voice laughed, and started, and that's when Gwyn knew, she was not in control anymore. She tried to prevent it from taking over her mind, yet she was too weak now. And then the horror began.

You think your sisters love you? They only love the girl who has no demons. They think you're perfect. You've not exactly told them what happened that night in Sangravah, what do you think will happen when you do?

They'll leave you, finally seeing the pathetic girl you are. Everyone will leave. Like your mate has. You know it's ironic that you let your sister die in front of you, that you chose someone else before your own blood sister-

but they were-were gonna kill the children, I- I didn't have a choice-, Gwyn tried speak but the voice was faster. Oh we both know that's not true Gwyneth. And anyways, karma's a bitch.

Azriel left you when you needed him the most, just like you left your sister to die when she needed you the most. You're a traitor, a half breed, a slut who couldn't save herself or her sister, you're nothing, you don't deserve anyone or anything-

And that voice stopped only when Gwyn opened the door and ventured into Velaris. It was raining. Endless tears were running from Gwyn's eyes, that voice had stopped, but it's effect, it was still there, rippling like water when a stone is thrown in it.

Suddenly breathing was tough. Gwyn kept walking, trying to breathe, trying to get a grip but it wasn't working, it wasn't working. Panic attack, Gwyn realized. No no no no no, not now please please no.

It felt like the world was suffocating her, that it was trying to drown her in endless darkness. She didn't even realize when she ran into Azriel's back and kept walking. "I- I'm sorry, " She said and tried to move away but then Azriel turned around.

No no no no, it couldn't be him it couldn't be him. He- he's gonna see her broken and run, he'd run and never come back, and she'd never be able to catch up to him. It again felt like the world was enveloping her, cause it was.

Please, please just stop STOP! She begged her mind, her heart, anyone that would listen. And she could've heard that evil voice in her head feel sad, before it said I'm sorry Gwyneth.

And then someone was shaking her. Azriel, she realized. Their voice started growing louder and louder and "GWYN, GWYN! ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT 4AM IN THE MORNING HERE!" And suddenly it all came back to Gwyn, she was in Velaris, with her mate in front of her.

She then looked up to meet his gaze, gaze full of worry. Once she'd think that he actually cared, not now, not ever.

"I- I'm ok" She said and try to move but Azriel kept his grip firm on her forearm and forced her to meet his gaze. She could see his eyes worried, pitying her, she realized.

Gwyn tried to move again but Azriel held firm. She could hear the rain, could hear the little steps of everyone, could hear his racing heartbeat matching her own.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice now firm. Gwyn darkly chuckled, and said, "Oh of course I am. You refuse to give me my memories. My mate rejected the bond, and my demons love to take over without any invitation. Well why does that matter, how are you Azriel? Enjoying your life with Elain?

If yes, then please let me leave for I am too busy having a panic attack to engage in small chitchat." And sarcasm dripped like venom from her voice. She was mad, and she didn't give a damn now.

"Gwyn I- I didn't reject the bond" And Gwyn laughed again, and again said sarcastically, "Oh is that supposed to be a prize? Why thank you shadowsinger for not rejecting the bond. Would you like me to do that for you too?"

And the pain was seen clearly on Azriel's face, she knew he was shocked and upset by her words, good, he deserved it.

He let her go then, but Gwyn didn't leave. She was about to when Azriel said, "I lied" And Gwyn would have laughed this time too, if she had not seen the seriousness in his face. "Lied about what? Wanting to be my friend-", "I lied about me and Elain. She's happily living in the day court with her mate, Lucien."

Oh. Oh. "You knew she had a mate and yet you still tried to persue her?" And Azriel looked away when Gwyn said those words.

She then noticed a nearby bench, and sat on it. He knew what it felt like, to be rejected, she realized. And so she patted the space beside her, inviting him to sit.

He came towards her, but warningly. And when he sat down beside her, she put her elbows on her knees, bended a bit forward and looked at him. "So you know what it's like to be rejected." She said, as a statement not a question.

Azriel mirrored her position and said, "I do know what it's like to be rejected." And Gwyn wanted to smack his face for that. She contemplated saying the next line, but thought, fuck it, he's a liar and he hurt me and said, "So you rejected me knowing how painful it feels to be rejected?"

And Azriel shifted in his seat, and then said, "I didn't reject you because of you Gwyneth, I rejected you because of me. I- I-" And he didn't complete the sentence. But Gwyn understood, so she completed it for me, "You didn't think you deserved me."

And Azriel looked at her with an unrecognizable emotion in his eyed and said, "Yes, I don't think I deserve you." And Gwyn actually chuckled at that. And when she saw the confused expression on Azriel's face, she explained further, "Well you know it's ironic. Even I feel I don't deserve you-", "Oh" Was all Azriel said.

And after a few minutes, she said, "We're both complete dumbasses aren't we?" And Azriel chuckled, "I- I agree, we're both complete idiots."

And after a few moments of silence and simply looking at each other's grinning faces, Azriel said, "I'm sorry for ignoring you and rejecting you." Gwyn chuckled and replied, "It's okay, as long as you don't do it again."

And then suddenly out of the blue, Azriel asked with sudden seriousness, "Are you seeing someone?" And Gwyn smiled and asked, "What if I was?", "Well are you?" Azriel asked urgently and Gwyn laughed. "Okayyy calm down lover boy, I'm not" And she saw a deep pink blush creep up on his cheeks.

And just to play with him a little more, she started playing with his hair, and his blush deepened even more. "I love making you blush" Gwyn said she could've sworn his cheeks became even pinker. And then she removed her hand from his hair and said, "I'll make a deal with you. We don't ignore each other. We date each other and we live happily ever after."

And Azriel laughed at that. Gwyn then put out her hand, "Deal?" and Azriel raised an eyebrow, "Are you really the daring shadowsinger everyone calls you, or are you just a pussy?" Gwyn daringly asked, and Azriel said, "I am no pussy" And shook her hand, "Deal" And suddenly an invisible bind passed through them. They'd struck a bargain, and Gwyn laughed while Azriel cursed beautifully under his breath.

And then Azriel asked, "Wait What about our friendship?", "Oh please, we're barely friends. I totally look at your ass all the time and you look st mine. So I'm pretty sure our "friendship" Is pretty fucked up."

Azriel just smiled at her, his mate, his best friend. A person whom he loved dearly, and would do anything for. They then got up, hand in hand, and then took off for flight. They kept looking at each other, Gwyn because she was too competitive to back down from a challenge, and Azriel because he was mezmerized by her beauty.

And one day, Gwyn thought, she'd actually tell him, that she was not staring at him because of a competition, but because she knew she was genuinely falling in love with him.

Azriel walked Gwyn to her room in the House of Wind, and they'd just stood there, looking at each other. Until Gwyn spoke up and asked, "tomorrow 8pm?" And Azriel smiled and repeated it, confirming their first date, "tomorrow 8pm". He was just about to walk away when Gwyn threw her hands around his neck.

He didn't understand what she was doing until she started to move away, she was hugging him, he realized and immediately put his arms around her waist, his head in her hair, smelling it, he realized, and memorizing the scent.

And before moving away, she kissed him slightly on his cheeks and went in her room and closed her door. Gwyn leant against the inside of her door and sighed happily.

Azriel just stood in front of the door for an hour, replaying the scene over and over again. Replaying their night over and over again. He then walked back to his room, grinning like a little boy in love.

He would never wash that cheek again, for Gwyn had kissed him. Gods, that woman was going to be the death of him.