#I do wish having fun and enjoying things was easy and simple. something is wrong with me but that’s besides the point. I’m chilling

[cr0wc0rpse]

I wish there was an easy and effortless and enjoyable way to have fun and do activities. Like drawing or watching a media. It’s a shame I can’t do those things. Anyway does anyone want to take turns hitting each other in the head with hammers

[tteokdoroki]

ೀ⋆OCT 31ST LEGALLY BLONDE ━━ seishiro nagi + coercion !

୨୧ — caution, you are now watching. seishiro nagi + coercion. there’s no way someone broke up with nagi because he’s too blonde!? poor baby, maybe you could provide a little emotional support…(5.5K)

୨୧ — rated r. minors, blank and ageless blogs do not interact ! nsfw, heavy smut, dark content, characters aged up to 20s, college!au, strangers to lovers (?), teaching assistant/student relationship, dom/sub dynamics, some switching, reader is lifted up by nagi, coercion, dubcon, handjobs, virginity loss, cherry chasing, oral fixation, mind break, praise kink, creampies, soft sex, clothed sex, unprotected sex, TA!reader, elle woods!nagi.

୨୧ — director’s note. happy halloween my loves! i hope you enjoy the final kinktober fic! its been super fun writing and editing for you all. stay tuned for the bonus in the coming weeks <3 - m.list ⋆ kinktober m.list ⋆ taglist ✧

this law school thing wasn’t all what it cracked up to be. 

after the love of his life, reo mikage, had broken up with him for someone smarter, blander and richer than him — nagi had been blessed with the genius idea of following his ex all the way to one of the top law schools in the world. the plan was practically fool proof, the guys at his sorority worked hard to help seishiro study — pulling all nighters for practice tests and rewarding him with naps every time he had gotten a question right. 

rin itoshi had even convinced his parents to reach out to a hollywood director so that they could film nagi’s audition tape. it obviously featured isagi and bachira too. nagi had even worn his best designer swim trunks to impress the board of admissions. they’d all been super supportive of the light haired male in his endeavours and were there when he passed his LSAT exam

with all of this combined, he had managed to get in in — if that wasn’t enough for reo, then what was?

the answer? nothing.

reo still wanted that bland, basic bitch his family was marrying him off to. she was sensible, she was rich and seishiro quickly realised that he had only ever been a bit of ditzy fun to reo — a dumb blonde to stick his dick into whenever the time felt right. eye candy and nothing more. balancing his shattering hard with the complexities of law school had been tough for the white haired male and everything seemed to be going wrong. no one would study with him, reo wouldn’t even look at him and his friends back home were busy with the wedding plans nagi so desperately wished he had. 

however, that’s when you came along. 

after having the epiphany that he didn’t need reo to succeed — nagi knuckles down and studied hard for the law firm internship being offered amongst his cohort. he was relieved to have you as a teaching assistant in the process, not only were you absolutely gorgeous but you were compassionate and empathetic. you were smart, eloquent and everything seishiro wished he could be for his ex.

perhaps that’s what drew him to you, why he followed your every word like a puppy drooling after a treat. you’d been kind to nagi for the entire semester, from helping him out with studying for the internship right down to today, where he would be taking on his very first case in a court of law. it should have been easy, the facts were simple too. the client and fellow fraternity brother  (shidou ryousei) was accused of and arrested for the murder of his wife… but something about the events weren’t seeming to add up. nagi couldn’t come up with an alibi either. 

it was as if the words; the reasonings, the justification for shidou’s freedom were right in front of grey-scale eyes, only scrambled up like morse code. “how about we take a break?” as if you were a vision from his dreams or an angel from up above, you appear behind nagi’s tall frame as he slumps defeatedly against the hotel room desk — your hands fixing themselves to his broad shoulders for a massage. “you’ve been at this all night, seishiro.”

the law student swears your touch could heal all human ailments, the warmth of your palms seeping into the tense parts of his muscles like a cell performing diffusion — relaxation forming a comfortable fog over his brain. “i know shidou didn’t do it,” nagi defends with a grumpy pout, leaning back into you so that his head rests lazily against your stomach. “he told me… he said he was getting liposuction.” 

“we’ll need evidence of that,” you note, jerking your head to the side so that nagi can write it down. this entire time you’d been such a good mentor. “good boy.” something clicks in the light-haired male’s brain, a crackle of electricity shooting down his spine at your praise — swirling around in his guts as if to activate arousal.  “run me through the witness statements again.” there’s a sensual lilt to the tone of your voice and your touch cascades from his shoulders up to his neck like a backwards flowing waterfall.

seishiro isn’t sure if he’s making things up or reading the signs correctly — but he knows that there’s some kind of tension bubbling in the air. particles that resemble an aphrodisiac using kinetic energy to collide together, painting the room with lustful colours. “shidou’s step daughter says she heard a gunshot around 2:15pm after leaving the shower, walkin’ downstairs only to find shidou hangin’ over his wife’s body — covered in blood. ugh, this is too much hassle. this doesn’t make any sense!” he tosses an annoyed sigh into quietness of the room, moaning in surprise when you cup the base of nagi’s neck to pull his head up to face you and your eyes meet.

“you need a break seishiro, we can come back to this later,” you hum, the vibrations of your voice laced with sex appeal. as he swallows thickly, the law student’s Adam’s apple bobs under the pressure of your fairy-light grip on his throat — anticipating more from you. at this point, you’re half bent over him as he leans back in the chair, pink tongue slowly darting out to cover your lips in a spit shine. “how about it?” 

this feels so wrong. nagi’s cock stirring beneath his slacks at how good and kind you’re acting towards him. no one has ever gotten him this hot before — no one aside from reo. and you were still his teacher, by technicality, it would be wrong for nagi to even consider sucking your tongue down his throat. and yet, he can’t find it in himself to stop the temperature from rising between you, for falling into your dangerously salacious trap. 

“y-yeah,” he breathes deep when you squeeze his throat a little to test the waters. “i could do with a break.” 

“me too,” you gasp all too agreeably, bending the rest of the way down to capture seishiro’s lips in a searingly hot kiss. just as he wished you pry his mouth open with the tip of your curious tongue — pushing through his plush lips and curling around his own pink appendage. the lip lock is passionate, ravenous despite the mess and spit that you exchange. he chases your lips until he can’t breathe, sloppily accepting anything you give him, letting you lead where he can’t. 

he’s never done this before, not like this, not without reo. but in this moment, the silver-blonde doesn’t think he could ever go back to making out with his ex. not now that you’re the one kissing him. 

“i-i've never done any of this before.” the blonde gulps, swallowing down the copious amount of spit that builds on the palette of his tongue — looking into your eyes as a sense of hunger dawns on him, as if you’re the very meal he’s set to devour. “not without anyone that wasn’t—“

reo. 

sure they’d done stuff together. naughty touches here and there, hands ghosting over boxer briefs and fingers tweaking nipples (sei’s were especially sensitive because of the cute little piercings his ex insisted he get) — but nothing close to actual sex, nothing with a girl, nothing with someone like you. a burning heat, unlike anything nagi’s ever felt before, begins to brew in his lower stomach. his cock rises beneath his pants that suddenly feel all too tight.

nagi’s girth twitches against his thigh as your nails rake their way down his chest and slowly pop open the buttons of his crisply pressed white shirt. it heaves beneath his clothes — heart hammering against its calcium cage of his ribs. 

“i can tell, pretty boy.” you soothe him by purring into the shell of his ear, teeth tugging at the softness of his lobe. “but you’re a good kisser though. did reo teach you that?” your lips cascade down to his neck like a gentle flowing river at the same time that your hands delve below the belt to squeeze at seishiro’s swelling erection — testing the waters. 

his hips instinctively buck up into the warmth of your palm and a grin spreads across your plush lips at the feeling of his precum soaking his underwater and smearing across your fingers in thick, clingy webs. 

white and seedy and he’s nowhere close to cumming. almost like a little virgin. 

“have you ever done this before, seishiro?” 

the sound of his name, salaciously spelt out on his tongue, earns you a high pitched whine from nagi — his head rolling to the side and his thighs squeezing together with vicious need. “n-no,” he pauses before he grunts out a response and his entire body seizes as you take a firmer grip on his cock — jamming a thumb into his leaky slit to spread his arousal. “but i wanted to i just… reo said not until marriage—“

“— you don’t have to listen to reo anymore.” you announce breathily, setting a steady pace to your fist to jerk him off with. you’ve barely started and yet your hand is already glossed in a slight sheen of pre, soiling your knuckles from its viscousness. it’s so much for someone who’s never gone father than sloppy kisses and grinding while making out. it nurtures a certain seed of satisfaction in your chest to see him so messy so fast. “you can listen to me, sweet boy. do you want this… do you want it with me?” 

without letting go of the fat, drippy cock within your grasp — you shift to stand between the desk and nagi’s chair, shoving papers and court notes to the ground in your lustful haze. nagi thrusts lazily into your closed fist as if it’s instinct, following the sensation like a moth takes to a candle light. his grey eyes grow murky like a pond, swimming with desire for you and only you.

who was reo mikage to seishiro nagi? when there was an angel like you willing to feed this inexperienced man morsels of a heavenly pleasure he’s never felt before. the lawyer in training nods at your words like an eager man fallen to siren’s song as bait. “i want you,” he whimpers airily. “i wanna with you.” 

you rub down his thick, lengthy dick far enough to have your fingertips briefly brush against seishiro’s sensitive, weightly balls — just pulsing full of seed to give to you. the feeling makes nagi jump up from his seat so that he immediately towers over you. his height doesn’t overwhelm you, not when the towering blonde collapses onto you with a case of the shakes. he trembles above you, supporting himself by using one hand on the table while is mouth sloppily finds your neck to suck on and pacify himself.

“good boy, sei,” you coo, voice as sweet as hot sugar or candy. “i want you too. i always have. you’re such a pure, darling boy. glad to see that it’s true.” your praise is hidden in your soft moans as seishiro licks at the crystalline salt on your bare skin. you’re a little too twisted, taking advantage of his inexperience and his position beneath you as a student, but neither of you seem to care in this very moment. 

sweat beads against nagi’s hairline like diamonds on an expensive Chanel necklace and roses bloom across his cheeks with exertion — his hips rise and fall into your sticky fist in fluid motions, changing the steady stream of ecstasy you provide him. your hand is a solace for his aching cock, but you still make your student work for it. make nagi chase you since he only works hard for the things he wants. and right now, he wants to reach the end of the tight rope of pleasure you have him walking on. and to stave off the stormy frustration he feels from the case.

your hand wriggles it’s way into his wet silver locks, dragging nagi’s hungry mouth over yours since he’s so desperate to taste you, to have at you. it shows in the way he roughly grabs your hips too, grip so tight it threatens to leave bruises he’ll have to apologise for later. “ngh… please. g-god. miss…a-angel please,” he stutters, his bucking into your hand faster and harder, back and forth, back and forth through the tight ring of your fist. his bright and angry red cockhead peeks through the other side, glazed in opaque white — it’s a nice feeling, blistering hot and sensitive. “i…hah… gotta—“

nagi’s lashes flutter against your cheek — a strained whine reverbing in the base of his throat while you let him fuck your hands to his heart’s content, let him chase this new pleasure he’s never known. let him fall from the high heavens with blackened and burnt angel’s wings. you make him sin, for the first time ever. something about this should feel off to nagi, his law teacher taking advantage of him like this — but at this point, he’s too far gone, drowning in a hellfire of lust. 

mocking his moans, your mouth falls open in one of your own as you follow along with the pitiful expressions crossing the contours of seishirou’s face. “what is it, sei? what do you need?”

the room is too hot. your bodies against each other are temperate in the sex tainted air — accompanied by wet slapping sounds from your hand around his throbbing cock. “n-need to let go. it h-hurts,” he sniffles out, forcing his tongue into your mouth again to calm himself down. the more you speed up, remorselessly jerking him off, the closer nagi gets to the end of his own tether. this sensation is unfamiliar, the crumbling foundation of his orgasm coming crashing down as you fling droplets of his precum and arousal about the place — some of it landing on your clothes, the desk and discarded papers. 

again, neither of you care. 

“surrender to me baby, it’s okay. i’ve got you.” guiding the pale blonde through his first ever orgasm, you pour your heated words into his slobbering mouth — tongue running over his pearly white teeth and tangling with his drool coated tongue. that’s all sei needs to hear before he crumples against you with a shout — the first wave of his high crashing over him and pulling him under. 

it’s world shattering, brain melting as he cums. his abdomen contracts under your never-ending touch, ropes of hot white dribbling from his stimulated tip like a tap that keeps running. nagi swears he almost blacks out, falling dizzy and victim to your lustful charms as he twitches and cums and cums into your soiled palm. 

“f-fuck,” a soft whimper bubbles up on his raw bitten lips, stuttered out in suprise. “w-what was that?” 

“you orgasmed for me, sei, so pretty baby.” comes another set of your gentle praises. he feels his entire body wrack with a shakes at your words, his cock doesn’t dare to soften either. “you look so good when you cum.” 

his greyish-brownish eyes roll back into his skull when you let him go, his tip slapping against his clothed tummy. the brush of his cotton shirt against the slit on his tip makes him writhe from the sensitivity. “c-can i cum for you again? promise i’ll keep being good.” 

“of course,” you grin, proud that to have corrupted the poor boy. “are you okay to let me touch you again or do you want it now?” 

“touch me. now.” he growls, gripping your hand and guiding it towards his dribbling shaft, aiding the movement of your palm around him to start slow and lazy — working seishiro up into a heat once more. this time, the way your hand languidly jerks him off is made smooth by the evidence of his last orgasm, which you now use as lube. if you weren’t pressed for time and with a court case first thing tomorrow, you would have gotten onto your knees to clean up his copious amounts of mess. 

you quickly reduce him to a babbling mess against you, drool laden on his tongue and dripping onto his skin as you drive your thumb over nagi’s hot tip in tight circles with your free hand — touching what doesn’t fit in the other. “reo treated you so badly, poor baby,” you mewl sweetly, kitten licking at his pulse point just below his neck. “you work so hard, you deserve so much better. you deserve me.” 

he believes you, blindly and naively. nodding tenderly despite the way he widely fucks both of your hands as if they’re a makeshift hole — warm and slick, all for him. dopamine shocks him at the stem of his brain, spreading throughout his body like a wildfire only you can tame — it burns so good and  feels even better to have your dainty, perfectly manicured fingers wrap around his chubby girth so deliciously.

for a moment, you let seishiro go to squeeze at his heavy breeder’s balls — noticing the way they pulsate in your palm to signify the pale blonde’s second impending orgasm. “i think…hah… i think ‘m gonna… c-cum! again!”

pushing at his shirt, you press a kiss to the creamy skin of nagi’s shoulder and hum pridefully. “thank you for letting me know, sweetheart. cum for me. give it to me.”

with your permission granted, another blinding ecstasy takes over nagi, and he falls victim to you and your merciless hands once again. blood rushes through his ears like a storm surge, drowning at your angel coos while you guide him through his high, never letting up as you palm him through it all. he quivers and his knees buckle, shooting a hot and hefty load of seed all over your hand and clothes and the papers nearby.  “o-oh! fuck…” nagi chokes on a weak sob, bleating like an innocent lamb at the slaughter house while he weighed against your shorter frame — allowing you to bare the brunt of his weight and height. 

he’s so pretty when he cums, silvering blonde locks matted to his forehead by sweat — cheeks pink and lips swollen and red. if you could, you’d swallow him whole and selfishly devour your student for all that he has to offer. silly little blonde, stupid for trusting you, for wanting to fuck you.

your hand doesn’t slow around his pulsing cock but instead speeds up, digging your thumb into his oozing slit as arousal pearls at its centre once more. “n-no, s’too much.” seishiro cries quietly, tears stinging a pathway down the apples of his milky cheeks. “it hurts.” 

“poor you, poor baby.” you say harshly, mocking the poor blonde’s sniffles and hiccups. he’s exhausted and frustrated but doesn’t dare to pull away — his hips running after your hand hungrily. “you’re so cute sei, panting for me like a bitch in heat, fucking my hand like the dumb little blonde you are.” he hisses at the overstimulation, gargles on spit as it floods his mouth to accompany his appetite for you. 

“i’m not…ngh… ‘m not dumb.” he whinges in response and before either of you know it, seishiro is cumming again. hard. soiling his lap with abundant amounts of white. his chest heaves as he comes down, collapsing against you. he might deny it later, but being dumbed down and reduced to a stupid blonde seemed to really do it for him. 

finding his lips again, you soothe nagi with short and sweet kisses that grow more feverish by his own demand. all of a sudden you find yourself pinned to the desk below with the tall blonde between your instinctually parted legs so that he can grind against your panty clad core. “you’re…you’re right,” you say, breathing deep through your nose as your composure threatens to fall apart. “you’re so smart, sei. you’re the best lawyer on our team but…” bucking your hips once, you lower your voice by an octave so that your words slip through his ears like molten chocolate. “you’re acting like a dumb slut right now. don’t you wanna be my dumb slut, sei?”

his palm flattens against the mahogany desk just above your head, caging you in against its cold surface. “y-yes i do, oh fuck. please lemme fuck you. lemme be inside. i’ll be good.” 

“are you sure, baby?” 

“please—“ 

“but sei,” you brush a stray hair that curls at the centre of his forehead, the dumb blonde looking down at you with swimming grey eyes because he’s so needy. “it’d be your first time…” 

his face scrunches, nose crinkled at its bridge and brows knitted together in frustration. now that nagi’s had a taste of your sinful elixir he can’t seem to stop, you’re like a drug an addict can’t quit. something that could ruin his life or future prospects if he doesn’t get help. and yet he can’t look away, can’t pull his body away from yours and his achy dick from between your thighs — instead leaning closer so that it sinks between your plush pussy lips. 

nagi licks his lips, tongue rolling over his bottom one as he pants desperately. “please angel,” comes his broken beg, hanging pathetically in the sex tainted hair. “i need you. need it so bad. please please please— mph—!”

satisfied with his begging, you shove a set of cum soaked digits past the swell of seishiro’s pretty lips — chuckling darkly as his tongue laps over and in between them, and he whines at the salty taste of his arousal on your skin. “atta boy,” you coo, thrusting deep into the hot cavern of his mouth until the pale blonde gags around you, swallowing your fingers down like they’re a cock. he sucks so obediently, so desperately as if to please. like a good student too — and all the while, you work on kicking off your panties and flipping up your skirt so that he can get a nice rewarding view of your glistening cunt. 

“c’mere,” you reach out to the blonde and he leans into you, letting you wrap an arm around his shoulders to keep him in place. “sei,” you gasp at the first contact of his thick, long shaft against your throbbing wet mound — mouth agape as if you’ve taken a gunshot wound to the chest. “do you know how to do this, smart boy? do you know how to fuck?”

nagi nods, pressing his forehead to yours while his hips jut forward on their own and his seedy tip brushes against your pearling clit so deliciously. at first, his movements are lax and the room is filled with the lewd squelches of your sexes moving over one another, but your breathing soon grows ragged and the salacious bump and grind becomes stickier and wetter. 

“u-uhuh.” he mumbles in response.

he’s so good for you even when his mouth is full and his mind is dazed, sucking on your fingers while he lets you overwhelm him. however, the blonde is only so well behaved and patient, and it’s not long before he slips his girth past the tight ring of your entrance without any warning. his fingertips dance up to your waist, grabbing at the fat there and using it as leverage to drag you to the edge of the table so he can sink into you further.

“oh…fucking hell!” you whimper wetly against the junction of nagi’s neck, nails digging into his shoulders to steady yourself while he sets the pace to your sinful dance. he’s bigger than what you expected (despite mapping his girth out with your hands), stretching your sloppy walls wide to accommodate for his size. you don’t complain, however, eyes rolling as he brushes up against pleasure spots you could never reach on your own. “o-oh baby, fuck me.” 

you pull your fingers out of his mouth with a lewd pop, desperate to hear the symphony of his sweet, low and sexy moans instead of having them muffled by your fingers while he fucks you for the first time. the pale blonde can hardly believe it — having your warmth wrapped around him and your cunt drool down on him like a waterfall. 

the law student throws his weight into fucking you, bullying his way into the deepest parts of your womb to slothfully fuck up your gooey insides. your cunt, your moans, your whole body has some kind of control over nagi — dumbing him down and reducing him to a sex crazed mess. to the point where he can’t even remember his ex’s name. he’s a mop of pale blonde hair and sweaty clothes, entirely hunched over you. 

“y-you’re so tight,” he tells you in a dreamy sigh, lost in the heat of your core. nagi’s grabs at your pudgy thighs and drags you back and forth onto his dick, the new deepness to his thrusts causing you to squeeze and froth around the fat base of nagi’s cock. “hah, feels so…so good.” 

wrapping your shaky legs around his slender waist, you offer up the same treatment to nagi — pulling him close to the point where he’s buried in your sluice sex right up to the hilt. his precum smears against your ribbed walls and his broken whimper echoes around your hotel room. “that’s it, fuck me like you fucked my hand, sweet boy.” lust sparks against your sex slicked bodies, your breasts bouncing with every one of nagi’s calculated yet sloppy thrusts. you can’t get enough of one another, clinging and clawing at one another’s bodies madly. “you can do it, prove to reo that you don’t need him. only me.” 

“o-only you.” nagi repeats weakly, tucking his face into your neck as he pounds you to the high heavens. the desk creaks beneath the force of his thrusts, threatening to break at the nails and bolts that hold it together. his eyelashes flutter against your skin, his low and deep moans mixed with high pitched gasps send a hot rush of dopamine across your brain and it really is all too much. 

nagi’s already cum three times and managed to fold you in half over his desk as a virgin. he feel as though he might break with how much he loves this, loves fucking you senseless. another fresh set of tears burn tracks down his face and gather in his unfairly long lashes as they tickle your skin. he hiccups and heaves against you, whilst his breathing grows ragged every time his glistening cock escapes the snugness of your tight pussy, precum stringing along your puffy folds. 

“so good baby, s-so fucking good!” your voice is broken and husky as you praise him, making his dick pulse against your g-spot over and over again. you’re fairing no better than he is, your skin blistering hot to the touch and bruised from how tight your student is gripping you — pulling you back onto his cock.

the pale blonde feels though he might burst, cream your insides like he did your hand and ruin that pretty skirt of yours — the one that sticks to his pelvis because of how close your bodies are. it’s rubbed him raw while he fucks you raw. “‘m i the best?” seishiro asks, cherishing the embrace of your viscous walls, his shaft coated in a crude mix of white as it froths from your tight little hole. “t-tell me i’m the best…” 

“t-the best i’ve ever had! f-fuck, sei!” you squeal in response, only egging the law student on, babbling your praises while fat droplets of your arousal flies about the place — painting nagi’s pelvis in a shiny gloss, curling in his white happy trail as well. 

“‘m the best. i’m the best for you.” grunting from the exertion and the very force of his own thrusts, seishiro wraps both of his strong arms around your middle and stands up from the table — taking you with him. at the new angle, the coil in your stomach only tightens and you fling your arms around his neck to prepare yourself for what’s to come next. “s’not enough, not deep enough. fuuuck you’re so wet and warm. i-i can’t,” he drawls lowly, nipping at the shell of your ear on instinct. 

that’s when seishiro begins to use his sheer strength to lift and drop you back onto his thick girth, fucking up into you at the exact same time. “g-good god!” you cry out, your impending orgasm prickling at your pelvis — shooting down each section of your spine. all of it only serves to spur nagi on. 

“give me your fingers,” he demands huskily, cantering into you from bellow — your juices running a steamy track down his heavy balls as they harshly smack against your peachy ass. “wan’ suck on ‘em. give ‘em.”

you don’t have time to register his ask because he grabs your wrist before your mind can even catch up (too occupied with the way he’s churning up your guts) and has two of your fingers in his eager little mouth — sucking on them diligently. you shudder as nagi runs his tongue between them, coats them in spit and drool that tracks across his chin once he’s done with them. 

“touch yourself for me?” he pleads through a wet whine, almost too innocently. “wanna see you cum this time.” 

it’s only then that you realise he’s been holding himself back, staving off his orgasm so he can see you writhe and gush all for him. the overstimulation must be burning at his brain, sizzling off his nerve endings and it’s probably more than the dumb little blonde virgin can take. so you do as he asks, trailing your spit slicked fingers between your bodies as they grind down on one another and you with your sensitive clit, pulling its hood back to draw tight circles over the pleasure nub. 

“o-oh! seishiro!” 

“that’s right, touch yourself f’me. wanna see you lose it like you make me lose it,” he moans softly constraining with how rough nagi pounds up into you. one of his hands slips from your hips to grope at your ass, pushing you down on him and forcing his cock to grind against that one special spot threatening to make you break. “‘m sorry,” he whimpers as though he’s going to cry. “d-don’t think i can hold back, angel.” 

“then don’t,” you gasp at the new friction, holding onto your last strings of sanity as you fumble with your clit tucked away between your ravaged folds. “i know you wanna cum for me, sei. l-let go, yeah? wanna see you break for me, like a good blonde slut.” 

your encouragement doesn’t give seishiro much choice, and while he’s in control of your bodies — his lean, strong frame anchoring you down onto his cock as it bullies your insides, you are in control of his mind. you destroy his train of thought, ruin the self-made man he was and send him tumbling into his final high. nagi’s orgasm breaks the surface viciously, pouring another load of his cum against your ripe and rippling walls. there’s still so much of it, the warm and viscous white seeping from your cunt and smearing all over your hot mound. 

the force of nagi’s high is so strong that he nearly drops you, just about managing to pin you safely to the desk once more. he’s still cumming and cumming and cumming — but that doesn’t stop him from thrusting into you hard and fast, desperate to trigger your orgasm so he can reward himself. it doesn’t take long, he’d already had you seated on the edge before his mind had shattered to pieces just from fucking you. 

you gush down his length and all over what remains of your shitty case notes (he probably didn’t need them anyways) with a pornographic shout when you finally hit your peak. it’s like the crescendo of a beautiful song — the world around you spinning and flashing white as you squirt and gush for the white haired lawyer. 

“f-fuck.” you giggle with a soft smile, fatigue washing over the both of you come down from the gates of heaven — crashing back down to earth with ecstasy still buzzing in your veins. “good boy, sei. you did so good for me,” you hum softly. “do you feel any better?” 

seishiro looks up at you from where his heavy frame has collapsed on your chest — clothes sweaty and askew, and offers you a lazy grin in return. “better,” he mumbles meekly and kisses a slither of your exposed skin, still grinding his seed into you as if to make sure it sticks. “thank you.” 

bringing a hand up to toy with his hair and soothing him, you nod. “good, we should get some rest, you’ve got a big trial tomorrow, pretty boy.” 

“do you think I can do it?” 

“i know you can, sei.” you scratch at his scalp. “i meant it. what i said earlier. you’re the best lawyer on our team. shidou’s defence stands a pretty good chance.” 

nagi grins once more, only this time he leans up to press a chaste kiss to your unexpecting mouth — pouring all of his gratefulness into it. 

because thanks to you, he feels more confident about the trial, — almost as if he’s won the trial already. and even if nagi goes lose, at least he’s won you over.

꒰ end. — all rights reserved © tteokdoroki 2023. do not copy, repost, translate & recommend elsewhere.

[mono-blogs-art]

23.5 - Sapphic Highschool Fluff Done Right

You'd think that a "classic highschool romance" is easy to do - but sometimes what seems easy takes a lot of effort to pull off right. 23.5 is simple, silly, lovingly crafted fluffy excellence with a fantastic cast and will give you butterflies like you didn't expect it to! Here's my full review - totally spoiler free this time!

Summary: Overall: 9/10 - I really, really loved it! Genre: Highschool Rom-Com Watch if you're looking for...: tooth-achingly sweet fluff, a wonderfully diverse and well-developed queer ensemble, a classic teen rom-com that will still get you in your feels Watch out for...: no warnings necessary Length: 12 episodes averaging about 45 mins each Where to watch: GMMTV's YouTube channel, all episodes are available with subs in multiple languages!

Full title "23.5 องศาที่โลกเอียง" (The Earth's Axis Tilts by 23.5 Degrees), based on the novel of the same name by author Blue, the show strides new territory as production company GMMTV's first major lesbian/GL show. It stars "Milk" Pansa Vosbein and "Love" Pattranite Limpatiyakorn, who have previously played sapphic side couples together on other GMMTV shows and now get their time to shine as 23.5's main characters.

Ongsa just moved from Phuket to Bangkok and knows no one at her new highschool - except her older sister, her weird cousin, and Sun, a girl in her new class who she's had a crush on for months. While incredibly awkward in real life, Ongsa's online persona "Earth" is able to communicate with Sun effortlessly and soon, Sun falls for Earth - thinking it's a guy, and not knowing that it's actually Ongsa. At the same time, Ongsa and Sun get closer at school as they try to revive the school's astronomy club with their friends.

If I could just sum up the show in one word it would be silly. It's funny, cute, and whimsical like you'd expect what happens when you revolve around a mostly nerdy and/or awkward cast of teenagers. There are tons of goofy sound effects, cute music ("Tilt", the shows opening title sequence, is the best opening of any GL show I've watched this year), and we get all the classic teen rom-com tropes happening. Just gayer. It was cringey in some parts - mainly why I feel like I can only give this show a 9/10 - but inoffensive to me and I still really enjoyed it.

Ongsa: One of the strongest points this show has is that it has an excellent heroine - Ongsa is incredibly fun and relatable. Whether it's watching her spiral when she gets into something too deep, or fearing for her as she traps herself in an increasingly greater net of lies, she's entertaining and captivating and I found myself really rooting for her through it all. Her decisions feel real and even when she fucks up, you can't help but want to help her. She's kind, but incredibly scared and cowardly too. Milk is great at physical acting, it really makes Ongsa feel like this awkward, lanky teen that wishes nothing more than to have a quiet life but keeps getting into Situations™️. She's just a baby closeted lesbian stuck between her first romantic feelings and the pressure of everyday highschool life, and badly equipped to handle either of those things. Even though she has no idea what she's doing, ever, ultimately she decides to be better and admit that she needs to work on herself, for herself. Ongsa is one of my favourite protagonists of this year, and I think she really deserves it.

Sun: Much like her namesake, Sun is a ray of sunshine. She's popular, pretty, smart, and kind to everyone, not to forget confident and selfless. Also, she drives a cute yellow scooter. You immediately understand why Ongsa has a huge crush on her: she's the classic crush in any highschool rom-com. In the beginning, that's all we really see of her - the way Ongsa sees her through her rose-tinted glasses. But what really makes Sun interesting is what we see in the second half of the series. When things start to go wrong, Sun starts to really open up and becomes touchable. She's easily jealous, irritable, and a bit of a crybaby. Just like Ongsa, communication is hard for her (even if she is doing marginally better than Ongsa), but unlike Ongsa, she thinks she's straight. Seeing her start to put 2 and 2 together about her feelings towards Ongsa is wonderful to watch, and I could watch her little face of queer joy any day on my screen. Sun's side of the story is given just as much thought as Ongsa's is and I'm incredibly happy that we got to see it. She's just too damn cute!!

Side Characters: In my opinion, 23.5 especially shines in its supporting characters - and this is never more true than with Aylin. I think I'm not exaggerating when I say you should watch this show just for her, because she's the best character of the show. I off-handedly referred to her in my summary as Ongsa's "weird cousin" but Aylin honestly deserves an entire essay of her own - I love her so much. Aylin is alone, and she's alright with it. The only people she talks to is her family, and she refers to everyone simply as "human". Aylin is obsessed with finding aliens and spends all of her time with her gadgets trying to receive signals or crafting and researching in her room. She involuntarily gets dragged into Ongsa's love troubles as she becomes her confidant, and although Aylin is stand-off-ish at first she begins to really start caring about Ongsa and the others. What I like about Aylin is that her loner nature or strange hobbies aren't mocked or fixed by the show, she only expands into unfamiliar territories she was too scared or hurt to do before. She starts making friends, she starts sharing her interests, and she falls in love.

Other than Aylin, the most fleshed-out side character is Alpha, Ongsa's older sister. Her little arc of trying to take care of her sister and her younger cousin but also being frustrated at always being left in the dark was nice. Alpha's friends from the student council - Marwin, Ton, and Luna - are also fun, especially Luna, who gets her own sideplot as the first person to befriend Aylin. In Ongsa's class, we also have Tin and Charoen as her first friends at the new school, who quickly figure out that she likes Sun and support her. Each character is distinct and meshes well into the ensemble. And having so many fun characters together makes the show lively and feel real.

I could not leave this review without talking about the side couples. And we get 2 entirely separate sapphic sidestories, additional to OngsaSun's main story.

Nida, Ongsa's English teacher, and Bambam, who is the astronomy club's supervisor, have their own little romance when the kids are asleep. Although both of them are adults, the characters are goofy enough to still fit well into the show's tone - and they are just so stupid and CUTE. I was utterly obsessed with their scenes and I'm glad we got to see them. The actresses are also both trans, so to have a middle-aged, sapphic sideplot about two trans women was heavenly. I could watch a show just about them.

I could say the same thing about the other secondary romance plot, which revolves around Aylin and Luna. In a really interesting way, they are the mirror pair to Ongsa & Sun, fulfilling the Popular Girl X Weird Girl trope, but the dynamic is completely different. Seeing Luna claw her way into Aylin's heart and then have Aylin come out by herself and let Luna in all the way was just kind of a show-stealer. Whenever we got to the two of them, I got giddy. Not to bash OngsaSun in any way - but AylinLuna was my top pair of the show.

Visuals: 23.5 also looks great. The colors are nice, camerawork is good, and like I said, the opening title sequence is amazing also in visuals. It's the one I actually go back to watch and don't mind not skipping. The theme of the solar system, particularily for the Earth & Sun metaphors and the recurring alien theme give everything a nice framing and allows the characters to come together organically. I thought it was used pretty well. We've got so many space lesbians this year, man.

"Is it for me/you?" - Conclusion

Now I'm gonna be totally honest: I've been out of highschool and lost interest in highschool stories for a while, whether it's manga or dramas. I'm just not 17 anymore, and I don't need to revisit my own 17-y.o. drama via proxy. When 23.5 was recommended to me, I wasn't sure if I'd actually end up liking it. And don't get me wrong - although I'm not the target audience, that doesn't mean I don't love that shows like this exist. Quite the opposite actually. There always needs to be more queer stories told for all different kinds of demographics!

All that being said - I went in with low expectations and was blown away just how much I loved 23.5. It is so well made, characters are relatable and taken seriously by the narrative enough for everyone to enjoy, even if I don't have the problem of failing my classes anymore. While all things around highschool anxieties are discussed - your first love, first kiss, bullying, clique anxiety, and what you're going to do after graduating - and maybe that won't be relatable for you, I personally found it all packaged up nicely within the different stories of 23.5. Things like sex and homophobia don't really come up. So if you're looking for something spicier or more angsty, then I suggest you go looking elsewhere. For everyone who's on board though: I highly recommend giving 23.5 a try!

I've been extremely impressed with GMMTV's shows so far - I'm currently watching Pluto and impressed and obsessed with it - and so I'm already excited for Milk & Love's next projects together that have already been announced. 2025 is looking delicious, and I hope they can keep improving further. Until then, my time with 23.5 will remain in good memory.

Thanks for reading! Go enjoy watching, and if you do, leave me a message. Cheers!

^ me when I'm born swagless but forced to be a natural girlcharmer

[azurem]

I was thinking about Inkmare and decided to yap a bit...!!

The whole thing had started just as a way for Nightmare to get into Ink's life, disrupt it, weaken him, and make him be dependent on him. He could tell Ink cared about his job- (the way the Stars fought to save the people, Dream leading with Blue and Ink not long behind) and that he cared about his perceived uselessness. It'd be so easy to just make him feel like his usefulness didn't come from his work solo but rather from how he worked alongside his team. And of course, wouldn't Ink be so grateful? (After all, he just wasn't... as successful when fending against Error the way he once was. What a pity.) Grateful enough to trust him, at least. And as useful as the benefits of having his trust were, he'd also felt the way his brother would react to his friend's betrayal would be very... interesting.

Trust doesn't come from nowhere. For Nightmare to truly tie Ink to him, he'd need to make some effort himself. Make him smile, be a shoulder to cry to. Be a protector, and fake some vulnerability. He knew this dance well. Mortals were simple to please, and much more predictable. While the time spent on making the relationship would have been much more enjoyed had he just spent it reading, it's not like it'd be the worst thing he had to bear.

But from there... He finds that... actually spending time with Ink... Isn't that annoying? Like, he sure is a chatterbox, and may be a little too into jesting, but he's interesting to hear. Nightmare may actually wonder if anyone's ever bothered to hear him, cuz once Ink noticed Nightmare wouldn't snap at him for talking more than what's adequate, it's like he'd never stop.

Sometimes, Nightmare talked back. A question, making Ink follow a topic when he forgot what he was talking about. Some words of his, to keep the conversation going. A rhythm of their own. Surprisingly... fun.

The day Nightmare noticed he spent more time thinking about Ink's smile than not was definitely NOT fun.

He didn't make their relationship to last. Part of his original plan always included making Dream discover it by himself, and to let Ink break without anyone to support them so he and his team would pick up the pieces and rebuild him to follow.

But the idea... He had never seen Ink cry. Not ever, even when in pain. Something inside him felt itself colder with the idea of subduing him into misery. Definitely a first for him.

Nightmare was so miserable. Of course, life has wronged him once again. But he was always the one that defied fate. He wouldn't let his wishes and desires get crushed against an... Unfavorable element. Even one he created himself.

No. Of course not.

Ink's happiness (and Ink himself, if he was... honest... No, he's not flustered with the idea. Anyways.) was just another goal. One just within his reach. What's a simple courtship against multiversal conquering? What's hiding actions, words and longing stares against crushing everyone's hopes and dreams?

He'd hide this until it wouldn't be a threat to him anymore. And once it stops doing so, he'll make sure to make Ink his... king consort... CONCENTRATE. Yes. Wicked stuff. Evil stuff. He definitely can do this.

[snippychicke]

Poppy Seeds --Part Two

Inspired by TooManyPsuedonyms work, which in turn was inspired by @semisolidmind fanart/cabin!Au for Playtime Poppy.

Dogday/Player!reader (attempting keeping it gender neutral)

Warnings: will touch on the after effects of trauma, but nothing is super explicit. Maybe some unhealthy coping skills (Dogday holding Reader on a pedestal) But otherwise we're giving everyone a happy ending. (Everything is wonderful and nothing hurts)

@twistedcece wanted tagged, anyone else?

Four: Water

It did end up raining later that afternoon. You had found Ollie a fresh change of clothes and had been showing the four around the farm. Thankfully, the day was warm enough that the cold droplets weren’t going to chill anyone too much, though Ollie squeaked as soon as the first droplet hit him. 

It was just a light spring shower, but it was still tricky to convince Ollie to come out from the chicken coop he had taken shelter in. It wasn’t until you decided to join the others that he slowly peeked out, sunken eyes wide.  

Kissy was twirling in the middle of the drive, her arms spread wide and her smile bright as ever. Poppy had her own arms outstretched, her face tilted up against the tickling drops and a smile on her eternally-painted lips. Dogday was brightly laughing as he pulled you out from the sheltered area to where several puddles were quickly forming. 

Seeing you and Dogday stomping in the water looked far too fun for the boy to ignore, and soon he was brave enough to leave his place of safety (to the relief of the hens not used to the small child in their home). IT took him a moment to get used to the constant patter on his skin, but both you and Dogday were becoming him closer with open hands. 

Laughter soon echoed in the air as the three of you would stomp from puddle to puddle. Kissy and Poppy didn’t join in --both not fond of getting muddy-- but enjoyed watching the three of you, two acting like overgrown kids and one finally able to act his age.

Things seemed perfect.

---

Later, Kissy and Poppy had corralled Ollie into the upstairs bathroom for a ‘proper’ bath. Judging from the splashing and outraged squeals from Poppy, the boy was still enjoying the new lease on childhood… or maybe Kissy had decided to join in the impishness. You weren’t sure, and was more focused on Dogday anyways. 

Your bedroom had its own bathroom, complete with an old large clawfoot tub that Dogday was able to sit in, though it was a tight fit. So you had taken it upon yourself to grab a basin and a few washcloths to scrub his back that was still coated in sticky things you rather not think about while he handled the rest. 

“I wish I could have done better on these stitches,” you offered as you gently cleaned around the sloppy uneven stitches where you had sewn his bottom half back on. The thread you had been able to find was a bright neon green and easy to see against his tan hair, and the ‘hide’ of his top half flapped over a bit of his bottom half since you had no idea how else to stitch the pieces together. Sewing has never been your forte. 

You swore magic had to be involved, considering that a simple sewing together and undoing the tourniquet had somehow ‘healed’ the connection and he could feel and control his lower body once more. 

“They’re fine,” Dogday reassured, currently scrubbing a stubborn stain on his arm. “The fact you were able to fix me in the first place is a miracle in itself, angel.” 

“I know,” you whined, unable to stop glaring at the poor stitchwork. “But it’s green. And all wonky…” 

He paused to look down at the stitching, a fond expression on his face (though you couldn’t see it.) “I like it that way. It’s a visual reminder of how much you cared.”

Your heart thumped at his words, and you bit your lip. It had been an act of desperation… but he wasn’t wrong. You had cared-- you had been terrified that you would do something to hurt him. To cause him to die no matter what you did. You wanted to save him-- to be able to save someone.

The memory threatened to overwhelm you, and you dropped your washcloth so you could wrap your arm around his shoulders, uncaring that you were getting your clothes wet by hugging him. 

You had been so close to losing him. Close to losing your own life. Failing everyone  yet again after you had failed years prior. 

“Angel?” Dogday managed to shift, and before you knew it, you were in his arms, cradled against his body as you cried. “What is it?” 

“I-I-” you stuttered, clenching your eyes as if you could push those memories out of your mind. Not just of him, but of everything. It was like a crack had formed and everything you had stubbornly ignored came rushing in. 

“Oh Angel,” he sighed as if he understood, pulling you closer. “Sweetheart. It's okay.”

“How can you call me that?” You choked out. “I-I left all of you, ten years ago. I saw what they were doing and I ran away.” 

“You were little more than a child yourself,” was not the answer you were expecting. As if he remembered just like Mommy Longlegs had. “Probably a bright-eyed intern or something, am I right?” 

You weakly nodded your head. You had been so excited when your application had been accepted. Everyone was hushed about the project, but they were looking for brilliant minds to help lead the future. You had been chosen out of hundreds of others. You had signed so many non-disclosure and other legal papers you thought it was weird for a toy factory but dismissed it as corporate paranoia. 

You didn't realize why until you stumbled upon that first file. Realized the toys looking after the kids weren't advanced animatronics. You hadn't discovered the whole story, but enough to send you running for the hills.

Literally. 

You quit everything, and ran away into the woods hoping they would never find you. 

“Besides, you came back. And now we're here. Safe.” His thumb wiped at your tears. “Cuddling in a bathtub.” 

The last but made you laugh despite yourself and helped bring you back into the moment. You had to admit, it probably looked odd; giant Dogday squished in the tub with you--a full grown adult--more or less cradled in his arms. Both of you now thoroughly wet.

Your laugh made his smile widen faintly. “There we go. I know we'll all have hard days, but as long as we're here for each other, I think we'll get through it.” 

Five: Wait

“I won’t be gone long, I promise,” you had said as you climbed into your truck. Without him. Dogday had all but whined at you, unashamed at the puppy-eye expression he gave you. “Day,” you had sighed, leaning out the window to cup his cheek as he leaned down. “I’m sorry, but the back is going to be full when I come back. And besides, who’s going to look after them?”

He should have pointed out that Kissy and Poppy were well able to deal with anything, the two girls were much more capable than they appeared. However, he had quietly conceded and stood back, allowing you to disappear down the steep drive. 

That had been early this morning. Nearly five hours ago.  

Dogday had barely moved from his spot, waiting to see the sunlight glint off your truck as it climbed the driveway. Or to hear its engine grumble as it approached. What if something happened to you? His sweet angel? He may have been trapped in the factory all those years, but he still knew the outside world could be just as dangerous. Especially to someone sweet and kind as you. 

“You’re really whipped, aren’t you?” Poppy spoke as Kissy approached, carrying the smaller doll on her shoulder. “When I said they’d be our angel to come save us, I didn’t think you would take it this far.” 

“They saved me,”  he answered, his eyes still focused on this distance. He meant more than just his life, when he was strung up like a piece of meat for the miniatures to come feast upon. When he had been so blinded by rage and the need for revenge…

He could still see your eyes through the thick glass of the gasmask, begging him to stop. Your voice as you asked him to spare Catnap’s life because there had been enough death.

 “If that doesn’t deserve loyalty, I don’t know what else would.” 

“Loyalty. Right.” Poppy sighed, shaking her head. “You sure you’re not suffering from a bad case of puppy-love?” 

Dogday paused, his thoughts screeching to a halt at her words. Kissy Missy giggled behind her yellow hand as he struggled with the idea. Puppy love? Certainly not. What he felt wasn’t all warm, fuzzy, yet superficial. 

It was deep and all encompassing to the point it almost overwhelmed him sometimes when he looked at you. Whether covered in blood and dust with a look of grisly determination, or freshly showered and wet hair clinging to your face while you laughed, you were his angel. He’d do anything for you. 

“Not puppy love… but I do love them.” 

Just as the admission left his voice box, he heard the grumble of an engine, and looked down the road to see your old truck making its way up the zig-zagging path, the bed filled with things as you had predicted. His tail slowly started to wag behind him, belying his excitement and joy. 

He loved you so much, and he didn’t care if you never felt the same. As long as you let him stay by your side day after day, he’d be happy. 

Even if he had to wait sometimes. 

Six: Memories

Ollie may have been naive to things you presumed as common knowledge, but when it came to technology, he was a veritable genius. Considering he had to use the old machines to often run and hide from the others in the factory, it wasn’t that much of a surprise. 

The scrawny boy was able to help you hook up the various equipment you had brought home with you amongst the tons of groceries. A scanner, an old VHS reader, and an internet router with enough power to accomplish what you wanted. 

You hadn’t left the factory empty handed, after all. Dozens of VHS tapes, hundreds of files and loose papers. You had collected every bit of proof you could. And you were going to finish Rowan's work. 

“Are you sure about this?” Ollie asked as you popped the first VHS tape to convert into a digital file. “You’re going to be in big trouble if they find out…” 

“I should have done this a long time ago,” you said with determination. “Besides, I promised everyone else. They’ve waited long enough.” 

Poppy and the others were silent. This had been part of Poppy’s plan all along, after all. Bring the crimes of Playtime Co to light and assure nothing like this happens again.

Yet your hands shook as you scoured for the email address for every news company and journalist you could find. You remembered what Playtime did to Rowan, and while their factory had been decommissioned a decade ago, it was hardly the only one. They were still one of the largest companies on the scene.

Who’s to say that similar things weren’t happening there? More than one had an orphanage on site, after all. 

This would certainly be their downfall, and they were bound to come after you if given half the chance. This little piece of heaven that you had these last few days would be stolen away from you…

Dogday leaned on you from behind, lanky arms wrapped around your shoulders while his chin rested on your head. The heavy weight was comfortable, as was the soft scent of vanilla that you had worked back into his fur after his bath the other day. 

“Nothing is going to happen to Angel,” he growled softly. “Or any of us. We’ll protect our new home.”

“Our family,” Poppy added quietly, and got a determined nod from Kissy and a cheer from Ollie. You relaxed into Dogday’s embrace, wrapping your fingers around his arms.

--*--

Dogday and Catnap circled each other, growls and snarls echoing in the small chamber. Red Mist filled the air, yet somehow Dogday was still awake. Aware of what was reality and what was a waking nightmare.

 Catnap had not expected to see his old friend again after ripping him in half and sacrificing him to the miniatures. All these years and he thought Dogday was with him--with the Prototype-- and only to learn he sided with her. Poppy. And you. The one Dogday called angel.  

Dogday finally made the first move, swinging a broken pipe he had been carrying. Normally Catnap could avoid it, but his feet stumbled over the debris hidden in the thick red mist. 

“Stop it!” You screamed, voice muffled by your gasmask as you suddenly appeared out of the mist. Dogday nearly slammed the pipe into you, but stopped a hairbreadth away. Catnap was just as stunned as his counterpart as you stood protectively between the two large beings. 

“There’s been enough death,” you continued as Dogday lowered his weapon. “I know he hurt you. I know he’s done a lot wrong, but…” 

“He doesn’t deserve your mercy, angel,” Dogday growled softly. “None of us do, but especially not him.” 

You shook your heads, arms still stretched wide. “Maybe, but I’m tired of all this death. Everyone’s been wronged here. The horrors that you all went through, even before the Hour of Joy. It has to end, and I want it to end now.” 

You protected him. Stood up against the Prototype when He came down and tried to end Catnap’s life and steal his body to integrate with His. Catnap vividly remembered the determined expression on your face as you faced off against his fake-god. 

You… were merciful. Kind. Real.  While the Prototype had stayed to himself, distant from everyone else, you walked with them. You had taken those four away from the factory, swearing to those left behind that help would soon come. 

You would save them. 

Catnap had to waitfor little less than a week before seeing your promise come to fruition. Not years, or another decade of pain and suffering. Less than a week and all sorts of people were swarming the factory. 

You had made everything public knowledge, so the company or anyone else couldn’t just sweep them under a rug and dispose of them. He watched as humans cared for the little ones, offering the food and water that they had been deprived of for so long. PJ Pug-a-pillar, Huggy Wuggy, and others he didn’t know were still alive were pulled from the hands of death and into life. Freedom. 

He could have stepped into the light and joined them. He knew the miniatures would be happy about that…yet watching one of miniature counterparts huddle close with its brethren, all of them with juice boxes and blankets, reminded him harshly of what he had done. He had done so much in the name of that false-god…

He had to find The Savior and do what he could to be redeemed. 

[newtthetranswriter]

Hello dear, I've got an idea again!

Could you do a Aziraphale x Reader , where reader wrote their own book and the first person who should read it, is him?

While reading he notice that the story is about falling in love with someone 'angelic', and as he noticed that the story is a secret love confession for him, he's getting so emotional

Have a great day/evening and stay hydrated please <3

A/n: Welcome back, I had fun writing this, and I hope you like it. You also have a great day/evening and remember to eat something. Requests are still open so if you have any more fun ideas don’t be afraid to send them in.

Word count: 1322

Paring: Aziraphale x gn! reader

     I truly enjoyed books, and so did my angel friend Aziraphale. That’s why I thought the best way to confess my love to the white haired angel would be to write him a book. Now I didn’t just write ‘I love you, Aziraphale’ in a book, that would be too easy and I wanted to have a little fun with it. I also have loved allegories for the longest time and thought it would be a great story telling tool to get my point across. So I wrote a book and made sure he would get the first copy, signed by me of course.

     Walking into A.Z. Fell and Co. I couldn’t hide my smile as I called out for my favorite angel. “Aziraphale, where are you? I have something for you.” I was greeted by Aziraphale walking down the stairs setting down the book he had in his hands.

     “Hello, Y/n. What have you brought?” He asked, voice laced with curiosity. He motioned me towards two chairs sitting close to his desk, offering me a seat. 

     I declined the offer with a simple shake of my head. “It’s okay. I just stopped by to give you this. You know I’ve been working on this book and it’s officially finished and so I thought I would hand over a signed first edition to my favorite book worm in person.” I said with a smile, passing the angel the book.

     He inspected the cover, smiling at the title Love beyond Heaven followed by my name at the bottom. “It is truly spectacular, I can’t wait to read it. Thank you, for such a thoughtful gift.” He said, running his hand over the cover. I just nodded in response, wishing him farewell and asking that he calls to tell me what he thinks when he finishes it. I didn’t want to wait around, the nerves had set in realizing that I had actually just handed over my confession to one of my best friends.

P.o.V to Aziraphale reading the book

     The angel watched as his friend left his shop in a hurry, while it was odd that they didn’t at least stay for a cup of tea he brushed it off as them having other things to do and had just stopped by to give him the book. He smiled to himself as took the book and sat at his desk ready to read the lovely words his friend had put together. Having been friends for a while, and knowing Y/n’s taste in books he wasn’t shocked to see that they had written a romance novel, and thought it was just that. A normal romance novel that has probably been written hundreds of times over with different characters and settings, but boy was he wrong.

     Upon opening the book he was surprised to see that unlike most books this one lacked a dedication page, and the promised signature was not on the first couple pages. Brushing it off as maybe Y/n had actually forgotten to sign the book in their excitement to give it to him, so he decided to keep reading and asking them to sign it later when they spoke next.

     He started reading, the book seemed straight forward, the main character falling for their best friend. He got through the first few chapters before he noticed one detail that he had previously brushed aside. The best friend was described as ‘angelic’ and having a fascination with the way the world around them works. What brought this to his attention was it was just revealed the angelic best friend owned a gaming store that featured the first edition of many video games and board games from throughout history. He couldn’t help but notice some similarities between himself and the main character, but again thought it must just be coincidence.

      As the angel read on he began noticing more and more similarities between the book and real life. For example, main character had gotten sick and pushed themself to far eventually passing out in front of their best friend who then spent days nursing them back to health in the apartment above the game shop, much like he had done for Y/n shortly after the pandemic hit and they had denied for days that they didn’t have covid. Another shared experience with the characters of the book was spending weekends enjoying eachothers company with tea and a good book, only in the story it was calm video games instead of a large novel.

      It kept going, Aziraphale kept piecing together that this book was based on real life, and apparently an allegory of his friendship with the shy human. The only thing that confused him was as far as he knew Y/n didn’t feel that way about him. Sure he loved everything about them, like how they are truly fascinated by his massive book collection, and how they enjoy bugging Crowley just to see the demon upset. The angel wasn’t ready to admit it but he was deeply in love with Y/n and he hoped that the implications of the book were correct. That the sweet playful human Loved him back.

      When he reached the last page of the final chapter he was truly astonished to see that it had ended with the main character admitting their feelings with a custom video game. It couldn’t be a coincidence that Y/n wrote this book to end in such a way, and then give the first copy to him. He flipped the page one last time to find the missing dedication page and the handwritten note from Y/n on the last page of the book.

      The dedication read ‘This book is dedicated to my best friend, Aziraphale. Without him I would have never had the courage to write this book.’ The angel couldn’t hold back a smile as he read that. One of his best friends wrote a book and dedicated it to him. He then looked down at the handwritten note that took up half the page.

       ‘Dear Aziraphale, I can’t begin to explain how much you mean to me. Spending rainy days reading and drinking tea with you are some of my favorite days. I don’t know what I would do without you, you mean everything to me. I hope by the time you reach this point of the book you’ve already figured it out. But I guess I’ll say it anyway. I love you, Aziraphale. I love how you collect so many books because you truly love to see the inner workings of the human mind. I love that you enjoy food even if you don’t need it, I love that you don’t fault me for being human. You bring me so much joy and I hope you understand that. I mean this with every fiber of my being you are the best thing to ever happen to me, Again I Love You, Aziraphale.’ - Love Y/n

     The angel smiled to himself. He was amazed at how thoughtful you had been. You wrote an entire book just to tell him how you feel. He would treasure this forever. It is now his most prized possession, no other book will ever compare. Without putting much thought into what time of day it was or what Y/n might be up to he immediately dialed the number he had memorized since it was given to him.

P.o.V back to Y/n

      I was awoken to the sound of my phone ringing on my nightstand. I looked briefly at the clock, seeing that it was nearly 3 in the morning, before answering, ready to yell at whoever woke me up. But I didn’t get the chance, before I could open my mouth to start yelling I heard the four words I had dreamt of hearing for so long.

      “I love you too.”

[acapelladitty]

Its easy to tell people to like their writing when you're already really great at it...

An absolutely unfair statement. If you think for a second that I'm not very insecure about my writing at times then you're wrong. I look at many other writers, some of whom I'm VERY good friends with, and I'm like "fuck I wish I could write like them 💀" and I feel shitty about it for a while.

I think you mistake the fact that I'm not constantly going "oh this bit of writing is shit but here you go everyone" or "wow, I'm so bad at this 😔" every time I post something as me being convinced that I'm flawless and gods gift to the craft. A thought which could not be FURTHER from the truth.

My writing is something I try to be realistic about. I know that it's fine enough, good even, and I know that I can maintain a nice flow and consistent characterisation. However, I also know that it's not perfect and I see the flaws across every single thing I've ever posted. But if I allow those flaws to stop me from posting then what's the point? Perfection is not achievable.

Have confidence in your own work. You don't have to stride around pretending that you've got a writing cock the size of the pink panthers tail, but a simple "I really enjoyed writing this and I think it's fun" can do wonders for the ol' mental health 💖 don't allow yourself to project onto me, please x

[misc-obeyme]

i just had a major breakthrough last night and wrote four pages of bullet points with random plot ideas, scenarios, and dialogue in my sketchbook 😅 IT WAS SO LATE AT NIGHT I CAN BARELY READ MY OWN HANDWRITING

I'm still trying to figure out the proper term, but Solomon is majoring in music composition !! Wiki says his favorite genre is classical music, and I like the idea he would want to create his own. His main instrument is piano !! But he has basic knowledge of guitar and the violin. (It'll be mainly running into the coffee shop together separately and living their lives, but once they get closer, Sol tries teaching me piano because i wanted to learn- THERE'S A BACKSTORY TO THIS AND ANOTHER PLOT IDEA !!!)

Simeon is also studying at the same college, and is writing TSL online. He has his own website, and Solomon creates pieces to go along with scenes in the book. (This is a whole other plot point)

I think right now it's going "Horror Night/Realizations" (the three of them going to see a movie that Solomon was excited to see, end up at a diner afterwards) -> "Burned CD's/Mammon Playlist Drama" (hehehe- WAIT IT'S NOT ANGST, GOTTA CLARIFY THE RECORD STORE DOES N O T BURN DOWN) -> "Halloween Party w/ Asmo" (A vampire, a werewolf, and a devil. What could go wrong? Or right? 👀) -> "Retail Therapy/Talks" (bookstores are a girl's best friend)

I haven't decided what role every character will play, but Levi makes an appearance with the CD stuff, Asmo throws the party and is studying to be a fashion designer, Satan owns a bookstore that I frequently visit (ANOTHER PLOT POINT AHAH), and Lucifer makes another appearance.

i keep writing things down and then getting more ideas and it feels like one big web, BUT IT'S ALL CONNECTED !! This is so much fun !! So technically yes, apprentice ish on the side, and Mammon does confess (kinda). I HAVE THIS PLANNED OUT BUT I DIDN'T WANT THIS TO GET LONG (IT DID ANYWAY), I JUST WANTED TO SHARE BECAUSE I'M WRITING THIS AS I GET READY FOR WORK AJDJJSD OKAY BYEEE

- ✨ anon

Wow this really is turning into an epic love story for the ages!! I love it lol!

Ohhhh music major, eh?!? My main instrument is also the piano! What a coincidence! Okay, actually, that's really easy to figure out considering my OC is a music demon and he is also known for his piano skills alskdfj. But Arsenios is a demon so he has magical talent that allows him to play any instrument. He's like everything I wish I could be as a musician lol!!! But anyway, got a bit sidetracked there, sorry. I love Solomon as a composer. That just feels like something he'd get lost in, you know? Music can be simple, but it can also be really complicated. And just imagine that guy getting lost in writing some kinda orchestral masterpiece... Or if he did a little conducting too, that baton is basically a magic wand...

Anyway, I love how we're getting all the other characters involved now, too!

See, you've already got the timeline, too!

I mean, what you're doing right now is basically outlining a story! I never outline anything because I am a degenerate, but that's exactly the kinda thing that a lot of people do before writing. So you're setting yourself up for success, I'd say! I mean, it's all whatever, writing is a personal process!

I'm loving your ideas and I'm loving the enthusiasm!! This right here is exactly why I write - because it's fun!

I hope you continue to enjoy coming up with ideas and if you do decide to write it, I hope you enjoy yourself!!

[woltourney]

ROUND 3 / SIDE B / POLL 4

Naru (@blucifer08) v. Vastha Mhakaracca (@incense-and-iron / @wanderer-of-light)

Naru:

q. What is your WoL name and pronouns? a. Naru, she/her

q. What is your WoL's species? a. Xaela

q. What is your WoL's class? Or classes? a. Reaper

q. What data centre/server are you on, if you want people to find you? a. N/A

q. Tell us a bit about your WoL! a. Naru became a hero in search of a missing piece of herself! She never felt satisfied in her home of the Steppe. She was an orphan, and although she had an adopted family, she sought out more from beyond the Steppe. She enjoys helping, but I don't think she likes the word 'hero.' In her free time she paints environmental paintings, tries out her bartender friend's drink combinations, and sunbathing :)

q. Why should YOU win? (Answer IC!) a. "Ah… I'm not too sure. I suppose I'll win if fate chooses me. I'll accept failure, no matter how bitter… Though I don't see it as likely."

q. Anything else you wanna add? a. In my canon, she got fully turned into a sin eater and she uses light instead of void powers as a reaper :)

Vastha Mhakaracca:

q. What is your WoL name and pronouns? a. Vastha Mhakaracca [He/They]

q. What is your WoL's species? a. Miqote - Keeper of the Moon

q. What is your WoL's class? Or classes? a. Main classes: Dragoon, Dark Knight, Monk, Reaper, Dancer

q. What data centre/server are you on, if you want people to find you? a. N/A

q. Tell us a bit about your WoL! a. I'm a happy guy! Like to entertain my friends and put a smile on other people's faces. I ended up becoming a hero after following (partly) in my mother's footsteps-- she was a lancer and gave me her old lance when I wanted to leave home to adventure. It kind of broke ages ago… but I still have it! So she shouldn't be too mad about it. Hopefully, heh. Uh, anyway, I enjoy dancing and have tons of experience in managing and entertaining people since my family runs a small inn on the side of some nameless road. As for liking being a hero… it's complicated; as much as I really wish it wasn't that way. It use to be so easy and fun. Simple, even. There was still danger of course, but… I dunno. Fighting five giant ladybugs doesn't really match up in danger levels as the types of things I've been up too as of late [[<-- post EW content]]. Not to mention all the worst parts of having so much on your shoulders, things I really don't want to get into for such a fun event. B-But, don't take it as if I don't want to be a hero!! I can do it, so I want to do it. And it's not a 'If I don't do it, no one will', either. I think there are people who definitely could and would. People who have pulled way more weight through all this than I have. Even so, with all the pain and trouble I've been though, it's worth it at the end of the day. Knowing that I've helped so many people, that I have the power to keep the worst at bay, that I can make a change in the world and have that change try and be something good and positive and kind: that's what makes me like such a dangerous and oftentimes thankless job. Free time? Well, there's: dancing, cooking [[Culinarian is at level 90]], tending to my new island hangout, I've been doing LOTS of sightseeing-- Oh! I LOVE taking pictures and doing photography. Mostly of landscapes, they're just easier for me to work with than people; not to say I don't snap pictures of my friends now and again. What else… Oh! I've been taking up other crafting jobs as well since I have the spare time. It gives me something to keep my hands busy and lets me go out and collect more plants and rocks. I always liked going out to collect random stuff, but some of my older sisters, who I ended up bullied into hiring on as retainers so they could keep tabs on me away from home, got tired of me dumping popotos and iron ingots onto them to figure out how to sell en mass every week. I saw nothing wrong with it, but it really just must be me. Hmm… A lot more stuff about me is kind of personal. While I'm a rather open guy and like to chat, there's even some stuff I don't like talking about too casually or with strangers, sorry! Maybe we can be friends? I'm always open to new friends! Let's talk more sometime, okay?

q. Why should YOU win? (Answer IC!) a. Why should I win? Oh man, I just think it'd be neat! "Vastha Mhakaracca, winner of the…" uh, what was this called again? Oh, right! "winner of the WoLTourney 2023!" Could even put that on my little adventure card thingy just for fun.

q. Anything else you wanna add? a. Some other facts about Vastha he didn't get to cover himself: Transmasc [he/they] and gay (despite all the handsome bachelors in game, he hasn't fallen for more past a short lived crush or two.) He has 4 older sisters, making him the youngest in the family He use to be more meek and shy, which turned to 'all talk no bite', which turned out to now where he's more mellow and friendly but will not hesitate to throw hands if someone starts something He actually likes to do fetch quests because it lets him explore local areas to take more pictures Vastha comes off as a bit of a dunce and a ~stoopid widdle catboi~ to people because he likes to have fun and goof around like he use too (before all the horrors (tm) of being an adventurer). He notices, but doesn't comment on it. He'd rather people keep thinking it and underestimate him so he can prove them wrong through action. And with so much life experience now, he really doesn't care what others think of him anymore; he knows himself and that's all he can control in life. Despite being so giddy and friendly, the man does have some things he dislikes a normal degree, and other things (and people) he hates with the rage of a thousand suns-- which upon mention of will immediately switch his mood to more sour and serious. It's rare to stumble across such topics, thankfully.

[endo-lies]

Why do you hate people you don't even know? Why fakeclaim when all itdoes is make people upset?

What traumagenic system is "valid" to you, would you accuse a traumagenic system of faking if you so thought as such?

Think about it basically. I'm not going to argue with you, just give you some things to think about.

So there is a lot going on in this, I;m gonna break it down by each piece.

Firstly: Traumagenic =/= OSDDID. This im sure will bite me in the ass if I dont specify now, but when you say traumagenic, the word itself refers to ANY "plural" person whos system is caused by trauma, not just people with OSDDID. For veiwers at home, think of this as rectangles and squares. all OSDDID systems are traumagenic, but not all "traumagenic systems" are OSDDID. Having said that

Secondly: "Why do you hate people you don't even know? Why fakeclaim when all itdoes is make people upset?" No where, at least recently, do I go and say "you arent a real system!!!" because its counter productive. However, the VAST majority of endogenic systems (and even some people on here who say they have OSDDID) misinterpret their symptoms into thinking its 'plurality' when its not. I don't enjoy fakeclaiming because I think that denotes a real intent to pretend, and I don't think many people here intend on faking being plural. I think people, instead, misidentify themselves as being a system not caused by trauma because they 'dont have any' or because theyve engrossed themselves in an online community with an insane validity culture that refuses to give push back on peoples ideas. It may make people upset to hear they probably arent a system, but its needed. Co opting trauma experiences isn't cool. I don't hate anyone, but I am frustrated and filled with anger at the fact that people happily spread misinformation about OSDDID.

Next: "What traumagenic system is "valid" to you"" The easy answer is a system with OSDDID. Scientifically speaking, the ONLY way alters form is from repeated childhood trauma as well as a lack of bonding with caregivers. When ego states in childhood are unable to form the same 'opinion' on something (ie. one ego state registers a caregiver as loving, and another only as an abuser), dissociative barriers form and alters develop. Alters cannot develop after this because after the age of like 6-9 the ego states have merged and dissociative barriers so severe it shatters identity cannot form.

And: "would you accuse a traumagenic system of faking if you so thought as such?" Again, im not in the fakeclaiming business. Im more in the clowning on people and complaining and education game. I work with children with PTSD, I study this shit. Thats all to say I know fakeclaiming is bad, but also I can say "hey, what you are talking about here isnt actually an OSDDID thing" or "hey this doesnt sound like something people who have OSDDID experience". This idea that it is wrong to correct misinformation because its someone's experience a problem in the OSDDID community as well as the 'plural' community in general. Everyone should be open to redirection and correction, especially endos who frequently spread misinfo on disorders. :)

Lastly: OSDDID is a severe form of PTSD that has ruined my life. Its not a simple "alter disorder" or something fun, I would not wish this 'plurality' on anyone. Its only common sense that I would be unhappy that people take my experiences and bastardize them, all whicle speading misinfo on how alters form in the first place. If you want to continue to engage in the belief that endos are real I cannot stop you, but everyone including science is against you. If you really think that you are plural, get out of system spaces for a while and look inward. 9/10 the symptoms go away and if they dont, you should talk to someone.

[leorawright]

oh my gosh how did i miss that u have overwatch matchups available???(it's a very easy answer. i am never on tumblr)

If you would be so kind as to do romantic one for me:

I am a genderfluid afab person and the only thing shorter than me is my patience. I am demisexual/demiromantic, poly, and like all genders.

I get angry really easily but hate showing it so i just end up going around in a bad mood acting like everything is ok

i have pretty bad anxiety and appreciate having someone confident enough around to help me with simple tasks(ex ordering food or speaking on the phone) but who won't make fun of me. I can also send myself into a spiral by thinking of things that stress me out. So someone who is a steady presence i always appreciate.

I enjoy all things creative. I mostly write and draw but am willing to try new things all the time.

I look at things in a very logical way. I don't like using my emotions to make decisions and i enjoy learning new things all the time. I am a naturally curious person who is always looking to expand my knowledge.

I have a mix of so many things wrong with my brain. ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression. I work really hard on them but sometimes i have days where i just struggle.

Mixed and can speak a lil bit of spanish. It isn't perfect but i can struggle my way thru most conversations.

I really like someone who is open with what i do wrong. Just tell me what i need to fix and don't make it into a whole thing. Open communication is very important to me. I don't want to feel like im walking on eggshells around them if they are too sensitive

I am a VERY determined person, once i set my mind on something i won't give up easily. I can almost be stubborn in my pursuit of goals.

I enjoy gaming, reading, watching anime/cartoons(i don't rlly like live action shows), drawing, and learning new things.

I LOVE cooking. Giving food to others and sharing a meal/snacks is a way of showing love to me. I honestly take it a bit like an insult if someone i care about isn't willing to give me a bite of food off their plate. I know it's silly so i never say anything about it or hold it against them. But to me sharing food and wanting others to experience the same good food as you is the same as saying "i love you" a million times.

I like toys and stuffed animals and cartoons and other stereotypically "childish" things. I'm not ashamed of it.. (well... usually...)

I love joking around and a good pun can get me wheezing from laughter.

I'm not much of a social person, and prefer to spend my time indoors and alone with only one or two other people. I enjoy parallel play and comfortable silences.

I hope this wasn't too much... i just can be really wordy and ramble a lot.. sorry!

I've picked out....

Zenyatta!

Definitely the calm presence you need and never ever considers making fun of you for your social anxiety.

He enjoys seeing the things you write and draw and offers genuine compliments about everything

He also encourages having direct conversations and if he ever needs to talk to you he'll get straight to the point

He thinks your determination is admirable. Just make sure you eat and drink and take breaks or else he'll get super concerned

He can't really eat any of the food you make but he wishes he could (if only to see you smile)

Expect to receive a couple stuffed animals that he saw and got because he thought of you

If you enjoy a bit of sarcastic or sassy humor then Zenyatta will definitely make you laugh (he still doesn't really understand normal jokes tho...)

Zenyatta also enjoys comfortable silence especially if he's meditating you're just doing your usual things

[soongyeopsal]

Ocean View

Summary: Your boyfriend is already perfect. What else could you need? What else could you possibly wish for? ▸ Pairing: Namjoon x NB reader ▸ Rating / Genre / AU: 15+ / angst / established relationship au ▸ Warnings: just a wee bit of angst, adult language, and 1 single punch ▸ Word Count: 2.4k ▸ A/N: It feels so good to drop this after a year of fussing with the draft!  😭 Angst isn’t usually for me, but it just felt right here. ✨Forever✨ thank you to @joonminshua for encouraging me to keep writing and beta’ing!

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵　　‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Being with Namjoon has always been easy. Your conversations are effortless and you never argue. He treats you with so much love, so much care that you can’t help but fall hard and fast for him. Good fortune seems to follow Namjoon everywhere and by extension, it follows you as well. It doesn’t matter what you’re worrying about - it could be family, work, health, or money. If you voice it to Namjoon, he’s there to hold and support you and insist that things will be alright. And Namjoon is never wrong - not once in the 5 years you’ve been together. Everything always works out and you don’t even have to accumulate that many scars before good things come.

This is yet another perfect evening. It’s the final day of your personal vacation before you return to work and Namjoon has been at your side all day. The two of you visited a new nature-themed exhibit at the local museum and then he treated you to a simple lunch in the park so you could enjoy the good weather. Hours go by and he has one last stop on the agenda: a trip to the beachfront fair. Even with the crowds and noise, a usual deterrent, you find yourself perfectly content as you share desserts and win every game on the boardwalk.

The fun has to come to an end eventually, though, and you tell Namjoon as much after he’s won yet another teddy bear to add to your spoils. He pleads with you to go on just one ride with him before going home. Your feet are starting to hurt and if you stand still too long you can feel the weight of your eyelids, but when your boyfriend hits you with the biggest pleading eyes you’ve ever seen, you oblige.

Namjoon’s beloved ride of the evening is the ferris wheel. He has to pay the ride attendant extra to keep watch over your trash bag of stuffed animals, but it’s worth it. The ride stops when your cabin is at the very top and your hands are cupped within Namjoon’s. High above the lights of the fair, there is only you and him. The sky is dotted with constellations that he’s eagerly showed you before and the sea is endless. When you visit the beach the expanse is inky and terrifying. But up here, enveloped in a blanket of quiet adoration, the ocean looks like love and the gently rolling waves are the eternities you know you must have shared together in lifetimes before this.

“There’s going to be a meteor shower in a few minutes.” Namjoon’s voice is soft, but deep. In the ferris wheel cabin, it feels like it’s all around you.

A shiver runs down your spine, but you’re not sure if it’s from the way his tone fills you or if it’s something else. You ignore it, instead training your eyes on the sky. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“It was a surprise! Do you like it?” Namjoon laces your fingers together with his and squeezes. You turn to smile at him, to say “yes”, but he nudges your knee before you can answer. “Oh, it’s starting!”

Time stops when the celestial event begins. If it was only you and Namjoon in the cabin before, now it feels like you’re on another plane. There’s no sound and the only sight to be seen is streams of light streaking your vision as each meteor comes and goes through the endless pocket of space.

Namjoon’s lips brush your knuckles delicately, grounding you to him.

“Make a wish, Y/N.”

Despite the daze you’ve found yourself in, you don’t even have to think.

“I want this. I want to be around you, with you. Forever.”

Namjoon stops where he is, pillowy lips frozen on the top of your palm. The next time he speaks, his breath is fire against your skin but he doesn’t notice when you flinch in his grasp. “Of course, babe.”

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵　　‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

It’s been 3 years since Namjoon promised you forever under the stars. You haven’t seen or heard from him since. Everyone talks about the stages of grief, but no one mentions how jumbled they can be. Denial, bargaining, acceptance, anger, depression. Deep depression.

What did you do? What did you say? Why couldn’t he at least give you a reason for leaving? Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but the not knowing keeps this one tacky and only half-scabbed. Your friends have tried it all: surrounding you with distractions, leaving you be, inviting you on trips, setting you up with friends of friends. To this day, nothing has ever stuck because you can’t shake the “what-ifs” from your consciousness.

3 years from the day Namjoon left, you find yourself far back in line at the grocery store. They’ve only got 1 cashier open and normally it wouldn’t bother you, but you stupidly overloaded your basket and holding it for more than a few minutes at a time makes your arms ache.

After another few minutes of weightlifting your groceries, you place the basket down again. It’s a harder drop than intended due to your fatigue, however, and a can of beans that had been precariously balancing at the top of the pile starts rolling down the line behind you.

You duck past your fellow linegoers, cussing as you go,  to chase it before a helpful foot finally stops the can in its tracks.

“Finally, thank you!” you exclaim hurriedly, anxious to get back to your place in line and have less eyes on you.

You spare a quick glance up to throw a courteous smile to your oddly-quiet good samaritan and find yourself immediately speechless as well. Quietly, it comes. “Y/N?”

You can’t help but stare when the two of you lock eyes. There’s no way. There’s no way!

“Namjoon.” “Y/N, I–”

A renewed wave of fury courses through you as you contemplate ways to commit murder with only a can of beans. If not for all of the time you spent working on yourself these last few years, you really would have come up with something. Luckily for him, you opt to bottle everything up and swiftly return to your abandoned basket. Nothing you could say or do now would be good for either of you anyway.

That fucker still knows exactly what to do after all of this time. Namjoon leaves you be, quietly watching you hurriedly check out when you finally reach the front of the line. On your way out the door, though, you make sure to turn back one last time to throw him your iciest glare.

You can’t wait to tell your friends about this buffoonery.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵　　‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

You drive home in complete silence as your mind races with even more questions and possibilities than ever before. Where had Namjoon been? Why would he shatter your heart the way he did? Why does he seem ok when you’re not?

The moment you walk through the front door of your apartment, your phone rings. Perfect timing - you need to get the groupchat on a call as soon as possible to share this development and rehash this conversation for the nth time.

When you fish your phone out of your bag, your face pulls itself into a tight scowl. Namjoon’s number had been blocked ages ago, so why is he on your caller ID now? You brace yourself against the kitchen counter, contemplating your options.

Beneath the rage and hurt in your heart, there is an ember of curiosity… You don’t have to hear him out (you do want to hear him), but now’s your chance to get answers. Closure.

The phone almost rings all the way to voicemail before you pick it up and say nothing. Namjoon’s voice is so clear that it’s like you’re in the ferris wheel cabin all over again. “I’m sorry.”

In the comfort of your own home, vitriol laces your words almost immediately. “‘You’re sorry’? That’s all you have to say, you piece of shit? What are you sorry for? Wasting my time? Throwing me out like garbage? Disappearing on who you said was the ‘love of your life’? Making me look like a fool? Making me feel like–”

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, but I died, Y/N. I didn’t–”

The explanation is so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh. “You what?” Namjoon doesn’t raise his voice or return even a fraction of the attitude you’re giving him. He just sounds…sad.

“I swear to you, I’m not lying. Please believe me. I was dead.”

“I wish you were here so I could kill you myself.”

When Namjoon sighs in response, it’s not coming through the receiver. In fact, it’s eerily close - immediately to your left. Namjoon is in front of your very eyes in your home. Like any conscious person, your first reaction is to scream bloody murder and swing. When your loose fist connects with his cheek he stumbles, but doesn’t make a move otherwise. 

He cradles his cheek gingerly. “That was deserved.”

The thought of your ire for Namjoon lessening would have been laughable yesterday. But today? Your bewilderment wins out over all else.

Starting with the obvious: “What are you doing here? Did you follow me?”

At this, Namjoon is quick to raise his hands passively. He speaks slowly, meeting your eyes with a sincerity that you don’t want to admit you’ve missed. “I’m here because you wished me here. I grant wishes.”

Struggling to find the words to reply to this absolutely preposterous conversation, you level him with a skeptical frown and gesture for him to continue.

“I’m a genie.” Namjoon closes his eyes, a plea for you to listen before you judge. “Remember when you won those concert tickets? One in ten thousand odds and you won. Or how you couldn’t parallel park alone, but always managed it when I was in the car? How things didn’t go your way at work until you vented to me and suddenly they did?” 

Arms folded across your chest, you roll your eyes. “Luck exists, Joon.”

“Remember when Hoagie was sick and the vet said he’d only have a few more months?” 

Hoagie, your beloved ancient cat had fallen ill a few years ago. Cancer, the veterinarian said. An unwinnable prognosis. For what it’s worth though… “He died last year,” you clarify quietly.

“Oh.” Namjoon winces apologetically. “Sorry, I-I didn’t mean–”

“Whatever,” you snap, surprising even yourself. You don’t know what to think or feel right now. “It’s fine.”

“Listen, Y/N. I granted those because you wanted those things. I loved you and I gave you everything, always.”

You take a deep breath in an attempt to sort everything racing through your mind, but it doesn’t work. Nothing makes sense.

It’s all you can do to just go with the first thing that rests on your tongue. “You loved me?”

“I love you. I loved you then, I love you now. Always have and always will.”

“Except for when you ‘die’?”

Despite the tension in the air and your mocking use of air quotes, Namjoon chuckles. “Except for when I die. It’s because I gave you forever. Can I sit?”

You stay planted in the kitchen, but nod. This interaction can’t get any weirder anyways (you hope).

It takes only 4 paces for Namjoon to clear the space between the kitchen just off of your entryway and your living room. Just like it always has. He plunks gracelessly onto the center couch cushion. Just like he always has.

“It’s always been like this; I’ve always been like this. Born with it. But nobody told me the rules. I didn’t really know if there’d be consequences for giving it to someone else.”

“It?”

“Forever.”

“Forever was 3 years ago.” Uncaring how bitter you sound, you move to pour yourself a glass of wine. Namjoon sits quietly, contemplating, and doesn’t speak until you’ve taken a healthy sip.

“I granted your wish to be with me forever and that night I went to sleep. I didn’t wake up for 3 years, Y/N. And I didn’t - I didn’t know that would happen. Please, forgive me?”

This is all too much to take in, even with alcohol assisting you. Suddenly every other emotion that you struggled to rid yourself from all this time melted away and all that’s left is the hurt. You were hurting so badly and no one could understand. No one except, apparently, Namjoon.

“You ‘granted my wish’ for ‘forever’? You fell asleep? You…love me? I! Loved you! Joon, you left me! You spun me around your finger for years and then you just disappeared! And what, because of some ‘magic’ I’m supposed to just forgive you?” Your voice cracks just a little as the room gets blurry with tears that you didn’t know you had left. Almost a whisper, you ask, “Do you think I’m fucking stupid?”

For the first time in 3 years, Namjoon rushes to you, pulling you into an embrace even as you half-heartedly try to push him away. He coos when a weary sob rips its way out of you. “You really think I’m that stupid?”

Namjoon cradles your head with a large, warm hand. A kind hand.

“You said you wanted to be with me forever. I’ll be here forever, Y/N. I can’t die. Er, I don’t think I can. And I couldn’t imagine anyone else that I’d want to spend forever with, so when you asked…”

Sniffling as you finally push your bodies apart, you shake your head. “You can’t die? I can’t die?”

“Not unless you wish it.”

A long pause. Your mind has never been louder.

“I wish you’d give me some space to figure this out.” Instantly, Namjoon releases you and takes a step back. His poker face is masterful, but he can’t hide the melancholy he feels from your senses. At least he’s still enough of a gentleman to respect your boundaries, you guess.

“I understand,” he finally says. “I understand and I’m sorry, Y/N. When you’re ready, you can always call me. Wish me here if you want - I’ll never be upset about that.”

Your limbs are screaming to return to Namjoon’s embrace, but things aren’t that easy. Can never be that easy. Love lost and immortality certainly don’t help.

It makes the pain worse for sure, but you need time to process what’s happened in the last 10 minutes.

“I wish you would go home, Joonie.” 

 “Y/N,” he replied carefully. “Please do not test ‘forever’. Test me, but not the ‘forever’, ok?”

“Grant my wish, Namjoon.” 

One last wistful “I love you” and Namjoon magics himself away. 

Hopefully it doesn’t take 3 more years to tell him you love him back and you’ll love him forever. Even though you already know.

[alexandriteobscuraarchive]

I think I might've missed the posts about the situation but why did you split your blog up and (most importantly) are you doing okay? I know that was something that was a big source of stress for you. Also can people follow your new blog?

((First and foremost: thank you for asking if I'm okay or not. I know that's a rather easy thing to just assume one way or another online and I appreciate the care and effort. Also I'm sorry if you missed anything important, I tried to reblog the related posts a handful of times but you can't always reach everyone, you know? It wasn't intentional I assure you. To answer if I'm okay or not I'm....getting there, is the best way to put it I suppose? I'll try to keep this brief.

I'm taking a slight break (not a hiatus and while I do occasionally slap a post on the dash I'm not really speaking or engaging ic) from this blog because; and I'm trying to keep this is a simple as I can, I'm dealing with a lot of feelings of anger and resentment towards this blog (which I know is unfair to the people--which is pretty much everyone here---who haven't done anything wrong but I'll spare detailing you the intricacies of my deeply rooted anxieties and etc) which is harder for me to reconcile/progress with in a positive way compared to feeling stressed and lonely over on the new blog at the moment and so I'm choosing to focus my efforts over there because I feel like I can progress in a positive/healthy way, enjoy what I'm doing in a safe space, and so on. I am incredibly stressed---what I did and am still working on diligently to the best of my ability every day---is stressful to the point of being overwhelming if I think about it too hard, look at everything on the whole, etc, but it's necessary. It's necessary to enforce boundaries and not neglect myself a space where I can write what I want and what I love so dearly and that makes it worth it.

I split my blog up due to a lot of unwarranted harassment (anonymous for the most part but some people weren't, all of them have been blocked) that has been going on for months a thing that only increased in severity in spite of my earnest attempts to understand or work through what was going on, reconcile any expressed 'issues', repeat and thorough attempts to explain my side of things including offering to help people around the content that they professed to hate so strongly (said hate which bled over to me as a person and writer/roleplayer in general) and so on. It became untenable incredibly quickly---and if you followed me to alexandrite (which had a different name/center muse originally but I digress) from my former rp blog you'd know how severe the harassment there was and how I promised myself I'd handle such things in the future--- and this is me doing that. This experience on the whole was incredibly similar to the one that happened on my og blog and I promised myself that I wouldn't go through that again if i could help it.

I deserve to be treated better; both by myself and by everyone else, and this is me doing that (meaning treating myself better at the very least rather than staying in a hateful/hurtful environment) even if most days it makes me want to scream. Did I want to split everything up? To be completely honest no I did not. But I think in the end this is the best solution for everyone involved---but most of all this is the best solution for me---and once the stress ebbs a bit (and by a bit I mean a lot, a fucking lot, because I'm kinda drowning rn lol) I'm hoping to feel more secure. I'm....getting there, like I said. One thing at a time, always one thing at a time. I'm already doing good things over there and soon I'll be doing good things over here again too. Both blogs can (and will) coexist and we can all have fun together no matter where you follow me or who you want to interact with....eventually. I wish that people would realize how they treat others---that driving someone out of their own space when they've done nothing wrong, when the only thing they've done (or tried to do) is share something that they love with their friends/writing partners---isn't okay. I wish people would realize that how I was treated was not fucking okay (and most won't unfortunately) but I realized it and that, at least, is important. I said 'this isn't okay' and did what I needed to do not only to better myself (which is something that is incredibly hard for me to do; honestly it would've been impossible for me to do even a year ago) but to keep doing what I love. I'm trying to focus on that. I'm trying to let that drive me forward over everything else.

And to end on a further positive note: Yes, you can follow my new blog if you want to, all that I ask is that you make sure that your interest in the blog and the muses featured there is genuine and that you actually want to interact with them before following. If you liked them (any of them) and wanted to interact but never had the chance for whatever reason, or if we started something but never finalized anything yet, so and so forth, you're welcome to come on over because I'd love to have you. And if you don't (because as I've said a hundred times to idk how many deaf/closed ears) have any interest that's okay too. They're not for everyone and it's a lot to learn/take in even with my offering to help people in a variety of ways (an offer that is always open!), I get that and hold no resentment in that regard whatsoever, all that I ask is that you understand that I'm taking care of myself by doing this...all of this...and that I appreciate you too. The people who remain here waiting for me to come back and post for the muses here are just as appreciated as the people who follow me on my new blog. I love all of you very much no matter what and I look forward to writing with you all again, it's just that some of you will see more of me than the others will, at least for a little while.

If you want to follow my tcol blog you can go here @constellationcrowned (you'll see my self promo for the blog over here periodically as well, it's obvious af lol) or if you have any questions please feel free to contact me privately either over there or on discord. And thank you again for your kind words anon, truly, I hope you have a nice day/night and I look forward to potentially writing with you soon no matter where that might be.))

[adelaidedrubman]

[ask-delivery opossum]=> ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 12, 13 and 15 (saying Jestiny for four won’t count btw 🤠)

LOOK AT THE LITTLE OPOSSUM. copy pasting stealing that. THANK YOU GIGI sending you and the opossum kisses<33

2. Who’s your least favorite to write?

hm. joseph’s voice is annoying. sorry to this man love him and all but. get different speech patterns. “mine is the face of truth!” who talks like that i’m going to kill you. i can write him in “on” public persona mode well enough but... things like last wildfire chapter when i had to make him a source of factual info dump? pain suffering. jacob is also not that personally easy/fun to write for me compared to others but i don’t have the same sense of “am i doing this wrong???” as i do with joseph so it’s less stressful.

4. Which character(s) do you love to hate?

i would say john but that also kinda feels like cheating tbh? i feel like all john writers hate john at least a little. nature of john. i love to hate him in the sense of he’s annoying and i enjoy making him suffer. joseph is also fun to put through it although it’s usually more in backdrop. still. funny when he suffers.

5. What’s the easiest thing to write for you?

also john. nature of john writing. i’m pissed off and annoyed the entire time but his pov feels second nature to me at this point so. what can you do

in terms of genre, definitely comedy. there at least has to be some undertone of humor in most of what i write. also dialogue. especially johnjess dialogue. shrek voice it’s getting them to shut up that’s the trick

6. What’s the hardest thing to write for you?

probably like. genuine fluff? like i can do sweet moments but it always has to be in spite of something. also scenery descriptions are still a bitch to me after all these years. OH and action. i fucking hate writing action scenes.

7. Do you plan everything out before you write or do you sit down and go with the flow?

i’ve only very recently started forcing myself to properly outline as wildfire has gotten unwieldy and i’ve begun reaching crucial enough no turning back plot points that it genuinely would be like “oh fuck!! house of cards collapses!” if i forget something. even then i have like. the next three chapters outlined and it’s in notes app and it looks like this (example from last chapter, it was this to draft one with no inbetween steps):

in general i do plan a lot out though sort of. combing things over in my head even if i don’t write it down. and i have most major plot points of wildfire decided already. like i have a very clear image and language in my mind for the Final Scene. we’ll see if i get there. for oneshots i tend to just vibe because they’re more about having a little fun and flexing the muscles for me anyways.

12. What is one character you love but rarely/never write? 

i guess not rarely/never but i don’t write faith nearly as much as i want to. i mean, tbh i guess i write faith more than fandom average lmao and she was like. the first character i ever wrote when i joined the fandom. but still not as much as i want bc a lot of it stays in drafts or is eclipsed by. you know.

i wish i’d gotten to write jess black more, i can’t believe ive only done one scene she’s probably my second favorite gfh.

13. Is there one character that always fights you when you try writing them?

JESTINY. the most i ever sympathize with john is when i want to get her to do something very simple and she explains to me the convoluted thirty five step intricate ritual it will take to get her to do it and i want to pull my hair out. like girl. sit on the fucking hay bale already.

15. What two characters did you never expect to work together?

well, in the sense that they don’t... mary may and jestiny. like they were always supposed to have most of the beef they have in wildfire (particularly in that mary may was always supposed to be a representation of jessie’s genuine breakdown in ability to empathize with Nice, Normal Folks) but i guess i didn’t expect their frenemiship to be as popular as it is or have as much chemistry to it? chemistry in the sense of lack of chemistry. but they have a compelling dynamic i didn’t fully expect. the real slowburn is when mary may finally gets to punch jessie in the face so hard.

[amar-means-moon]

7th of January, 2025

So, I was wrong about university. It is different than school. Very much so.

Ok, let me explain. Taking notes is something new to me, so it means I'm panicking about what to write down and what not to. Now, all of my classes for English are in English, which is great and very logical. But all my courses for French are in German, which is not logical at all. That means I have to put a lot more effort because German is not my first language.

And there is SO much stuff to do, to read and to memorise that it's simply soul-sucking. I'm so tired, always stressed out. The first weeks were hell because of this. I cried every day. Now, I'm just trying to not cry every day.

I'm just so scared. What if I fail? I don't want to have to re-write an exam. What if I fail because I didn't learn enough? Thing is, I barely have any time left to learn for the exams, learn the new input that keeps coming AND do the tons of homework I have to do. Also, I have two exams at exactly the same day at the same hour. I learned yesterday that I could ask my teacher for an alternate date that would still be in February. Should I? Should I not and just wait until April? I don't know. Everyone at uni is saying how it's better to do them now, but I don't think that I'll have time to learn for it. Then again, I need a break without learning once the first exam season is over. I have no idea what to do. I'm tired. I've been tired for a very long time. I can't seem to calm down, my heart is always racing, I can't take any calming breath, I'm not hungry but I still try to eat.

Then I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. Almost everyone seems hell-bent on telling me that being a teacher sucks. My grandma, my aunt, my cousin, an ex-friend: they all tell me that it's a bad idea. And now I'm doubting my choices. It also feels like I'm going to spend an eternity simply doing my bachelor. Not only do I have a double bachelor, I also need to take extra classes to learn how to teach. At this point, I just want to give everything up and stay at home forever.

When I talk about it to my parents, it looks like they can't bare listening to the same thing over and over again, and I don't balme them. I mean, dad doesn't try to hide it. But what else can I do? They keep telling me that I should be more confident in myself, that I should calm down. As if it was that simple. It's not. It's been years since I last was calm enough to enjoy living. And even then, I was not realising it.

Don't get me wrong, there are positive aspects in life. The people I got to know are so much nicer than those at school, I find what I do interesting (and compared to others, it can be considered easy) and in some cases, even fun. I made friends, decided to let go of the people who were making me feel bad. In this aspect, life is nice. Life is nice because I have a loving family, nice friends, we are all healthy. And yet, my anxiety is so overwhelming, so consuming and crushing that it drowns it all.

Even though I have everything to enjoy my life, I can't seem to able to. And that annoys me to no end. My cousin told me how her life at university were the best. At this point, it feels like my best years were when I couldn't think. In his song "Hier Encore", Charles Aznavour sings about how his life was when he was 20 years old, how he feels that he rushed through life, how he (in my interpretation) feels like he wasted his youth and wants to go back.

I could not explain why, but this song calms me, as depressive and melancholic as it is. It's like Aznavour had fun in his 20s, so much fun he rushed through everything and didn't stop to enjoy life. And yet, he was also lost. So, so very lost.

I'm not having THE time of my life, but I'm also trying to rush through this, in the hope of not being lost anymore once all this is over.

God, how I wish everything gets better. How I wish to win, in this fight against myself.

[tomymallison]

I don’t regret anything. I dont think I ever will. You said something to me once like oh “I was that fun experience” lol no you weren’t. I have had fun before you weren’t the first to show anything really. But just who you are as a person and being true to yourself was nice to enjoy it made it easier for me too. I can never hate you and sometimes I wish the love never gotten so deep then maybe we wouldn’t be here. Maybe things would be more light and not in depth. (Idk if that make sense) I think about everything. Since day one when I compliment your smile lol. I can never forget the time that was shared of course not. You have made me happy. Even though there was some rough parts in the time I was still happy with you. But also I feel like even if I say all this it won’t even matter. You rather want everything or way and once that is not fulfilled it’s like a dead end. I wish you can have you cake and eat it to. And no that don’t mean to hoe around. I already know you’re not that guy and yes I know you want something like real . That love but it’s like damn you that guy uhhh though why Df not , especially when you talk about having free will and just living your life. I feel like we were friends and lovers. But the love part got to out of hand. I think that’s what scared me too, cause idk I love and I think you know that but your love was a lot while mine was there but it was from a distance …like kinda how I be with Asia i literally bully her but she know that my love. I guess I wasn’t able to really fully express my love cause you kinda thought I was being weird , you always would ask why ? …or why not? And it’s like mhmmm I never questioned yours. You kinda was able to express yourself in all your ways and I let it but maybe I let it for to long where you just thought I was okay with it. Not your fault and there is nothing wrong with how you show that but it’s like ________________________ this is you And this was me______

It’s like I wanted to be happy, I hated when you said oh you only did this for my sake. I hate the way you think, I hate how like not positive your are with me. Cause I was never out to get you, use you, we enjoy ourselves as much as we could. . We did! I genuinely naturally wanted to…anything really. It was simple and easy and then it became in a way expected and wanted more that I can give that threw everything off and you just was not okay with it. Idk why you think of it as grief cause I am not dead. I look at it and was like damn that was such good times with a smile on my face and yes I miss those times …. But I don’t dwell on it as such sadness that defeats the whole thing … it’s like okay lol it was just sad , I am just a sad part of your life. And you know you have such a way with words to ensure that person feel bad or get them to do what you want. Idk it’s not the same and we can’t fake it and act like it is. I don’t want to anymore ….how long will the sadness go? When will it ends and we just become two people agin with each other, I hate the oh ima not be fake with you then . That sound so stupid, if you having a crappy day then have a crappy day. Forget being real or fake. Can we be people ? Natural? Can we come to an understanding ? Like yes I will forever say I wish I can watch you f some girl cause just how you do it ( dreamt about that by the way) and then you be like oh you just want me out your life so you can just live ?! Like lmao that is so weird man how can you say that when I literally want to see you have sex with someone I say that looks good. Cause you do it good that I need to see it in person? I wish there was like some breathing air between us, it’s this weird tension that is there where I don’t even know what to even say anymore …or how to be ..or how to be with others,….talk or laugh with others…can we be cool? Then what you going to say I don’t want to be cool I want more ! And it’s like ????? What more that I can give when I did truly gave you my all in my view but of course for you .you only see it your way. Such a tunnel vision guy. You don’t see anything but straight need to start looking at everything as a whole. Allow some feelings to simmer. It’s time to ( now you going to read this and be like oh your throwing me to the side and want to be done with like I’m some shit) that’s your insecurities talking cause ain’t no one say that dumb weak ass shit my boy. More like we already know what we have and shared and it don’t got to be weird or feel like a mistake or anything. It was genuine! And you know it was….even if you say I never felt that way, had someone like, or did those things to be myself…..but we did …we did. And at some point you can’t keep using that as an anchor. Cause it’s killing me ! I don’t want to be that anchor anymore, I don’t want to be that for anyone (these are my feelings I am talking about now because if I don’t input this you just will misinterpret) I feel like I am someone anchor. I don’t want to be someone crutch, happiness, joy, help, venting part, daughter, gf, wife, sister, I want to BREATHE and have some time for myself, because all this crap do is lead to expectations! I DONT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT! Then it leads into feelings WHICH DRIVE ME INSANE AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! then it makes people just want this BECAUSE THEY ARE SO USE TO IT …I don’t want that, yes I want to be free and yes I want to walk alone sometimes cause that is the only time me walking to my car and driving home that I can think to myself without hearing all that noise. (And let me put this in here so you don’t think I am saying you are the problem) no one is….really. It just sucks I feel like I have no control of my life . All you guys do! And it is so draining now. I am afraid that will be my life and I don’t want that…I want to be free with no need to or have to do anything ya know …. Just do whatever whenever. Simple…..I don’t want to create any more friendships or meet people or converse if it’s not just with myself …who am I under being the help. Why can’t I just have peace

Now this is just me writing to write I guess idk if that make any sense but I will still feel misunderstood.