#I do want to start driving (because i'd be able to go wherever i want!!) but it's scary :[

[lee-blogs]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(Nothing bad happening but i'm nervous!!!)

(explination in the tags)

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

Prewar!Cooper told Barb that one of his favorite things about her was the fact that she always tries to do the right thing. The Ghoul is entertained by Lucy's "goody two-shoes" thing, at first, but is clearly very deeply impacted by the kindness that she shows him outside the Super Duper Mart.

Cooper Howard obviously likes good girls...corruption kink, anyone?

Prewar!Cooper would be sweet about it, even gentlemanly. He'd be respectful, slowly warming you up to all these ideas that you've never even heard of before. Of course, you trust him implicitly, and you're happy to go where he guides you. He would get a sense of the things you're into, what your boundaries are, but once he knew you well enough, he might start to nudge you in certain directions.

Taking you for a drive, his hand on your thigh slowly slipping higher until he's rubbing you through your underwear as you go along, working you up to an orgasm at a red light in full public view, completely aware that everyone can tell what's happening. Going for a long walk in a nice park and pulling you into the bushes for "a few smooches" that turn into you deep-throating his cock until you almost pass out. Pushing you into poorly soundproofed closets at fancy parties to turn you into a squealing mess on the end of his cock, too loud for others to not hear. It's all so addictive and you're powerless to stop yourself from giving into him wherever and whenever, slowly turning you into a little exhibitionist because he thinks it's hot.

"Oh, I know how much you like this, sweetheart...what if I tried this? Does that feel good? Sure seems like it does. You don't have to be embarrassed. I'll take care of you. You trust me, right, baby doll?"

The Ghoul would be...meaner. He's more the "don't ask for permission; beg for forgiveness" type, but without the begging part. He'd just go for things, watching in almost sadistic glee as your face would morph from shock to disgust to ashamed arousal. You would be able to sense something different in the air, but you never see his dirty tricks coming. Does this stop you from continuing to sleep with him as you trek the West together? Of course not. As much as you might hate him a little (or a lot) for it, he knows exactly what makes you tremble and beg for more, even as your face reddens and you struggle to look at him.

Sliding his tongue back to tease your asshole when he's eating you out like a man starved, laughing wickedly and holding your hands away when you try to stop him because 'That's so gross!', but soon your protests turn to wanton moans. Hell, sliding his thumb into your ass as he fucks you from behind, using the leverage to bounce you harder on his hips, the sensation amazing despite how humiliating it feels. The next time he fucks you that way, you whimper out a little plea for him to do it again. Making you beg him to spit in your mouth as you near your orgasm until he no longer has to prompt you, you simply open your mouth. He gets off on getting you to request (or even beg for) disgusting treatment.

"Oh, did you not like that? With the way this greedy little cunt is reacting, I'd say you liked it. I mean...if you didn't, I suppose I can quit. Hmm? You want me to keep doing it? What a nasty little freak, gettin' off on this. Maybe if you ask pretty, darlin'..."

[20dollarlolita]

silly question but I wouldn't know who else to ask: Does having too much lace and poofiness ever interact badly with your wheelchair? I know most chairs have a shield between the wheel and the seat but it seems like the overflow could get damaged or stuck and this is something I'd like to consider before I start buying things

Oh, it's absolutely a thing I have to deal with. Most of the time, I'll drape my skirt over my side guards for the sake of taking a picture, and then tuck it back in before I go somewhere.

So pictures like this, I'm definitely going to protect the dress again before we move anywhere.

This specific wheelchair has low profile side guards, because I get my wheelchairs off ebay and that's what the person I got it from had. If I ever order a new chair for me, I'd probably want to get taller guards with a fender on the top. With the kind of clothes that I wear, I'd be willing to pay some extra to get some additional protection. (That said, I'm hopefully not going to ever buy myself a brand new chair since this one's great, already been around for over a decade, and works just fine for me. One of my favorite things about lolita fashion is how much we respect and reuse older things, and that's something that is also part of my life in other ways. We still have hopes of me being able to recover and get back into walking again so I don't want to spend a ton of money on something when I have a thing that's working fine.)

Most arm rests do have some form of protection between the wheel and the clothing, so those are an option as well. I've found that I personally don't like having arm rests, but you can have both clothing protection and arm rests.

The normal way that I tend to have my stuff tucked is to push as much as I want under my legs, and then to shove the extra fullness behind my back. This lets the skirt still look good but also stay out of the way.

Also you can see how I extended my side guards with some fabric-covered timtex that velcros into the chair. Those are actually the exact same guards as I have on the new machine, but you can see how they look a lot shorter. This is because the wheels on this chair are at a different height relative to the frame, versus my current chair. There are things that I could have done to adjust the side guards, like moving them forward. However, by the time that I replaced that wheelchair, the frame was just too narrow for me, so I could move those side guards wherever I wanted and would still be touching the wheels.

So yeah, there's definitely concerns about wearing very voluminous skirts and using a wheelchair at the same time. I try to keep my chair width pretty tight, because I pretty much exclusively self-propel and I like the access to the wheels. I know that a lot of guides for buying wheelchairs say to get a few extra inches of width beyond your physical body measurement, and that would probably make things easier in terms of clothes. I think that the two-post flip-back arm rests on the first chair I used (which is this one and it's pretty good in my experiance) actually protected my clothes a bit better than my current side guards. However, all of the things that made it better for lolita fashion made me like it best as a main means for propelling myself around the world. Extra space and arm rests are really good when other people push you, so that's a thing to consider. At the end of the day, I just got a chair that let me be as independent as I could, and then figured out how to do the lolita part in post.

Little rant time: One of the things that drives me crazy is when people who aren't disable the way I'm disabled try to make lolita rules for people who are disabled like I'm disabled. Usually it's people who do mean well, making statements like, "I think that EGL coords only look good with heeled shoes," and then add things like, "Unless you're disabled and can't wear heels." The person who's saying that thinks that they're being more accepting of disability in the fashion, but what they're actually doing is making a separate set of rules for the disabled to follow. However, people who are disabled are actually pretty aware of what our limitations and abilities are, and we're usually pretty used to problem solving when it comes to these things. I can use a combination of knowing where and what I'm doing and how I'm feeling on any given day to pick footwear that is both safe and appropriate for my given setting. I don't really need a stranger on Rufflechat to try to make separate rules for me without knowing that. Quick tip to people wanting to be accepting of disability in lolita: find disabled lolitas and listen to them. <NOTE: that heels comment is an example opinion and is not at all commonly accepted lolita opinions>

[latibvles]

Poet you have now unleashed a monster in me as well with the Mouse Hole crossovers. I’m dying to hear more about all of it but for right now, I need more details about Lena and Andrew Haldane. Idc if it takes the least realistic aus but I need them together

WE ARE SHAKING HANDS ANON, I LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM AND LENA DESERVES NICE THINGS. LIKE THE HANDSOME MARINE CAPTAIN WHO'S WAR ENDED JUST A LITTLE TOO EARLY JUST LIKE HERS. We are pulling from The Pacific School of Andrew Haldane Survives His Headshot which isn't the craziest leap to make. I am after all the person who looked at the 100th and said "you know what they need to do? Ride dragons." So... not the craziest thing to suggest. More of Lena & Andy under the cut.

So Lena is... very clearly not from Massachusetts, but you know who is?

Crank who she is very good friends with. And Jo, who she is also very good friends with.

And so Lena Connolly, post-war mechanic, is on her way up to New England, possibly to help Jo get her stuff from her parents' place to move in with Rosie. Or maybe she's just coming up to say hi to her two favorite people after a while of not seeing them. Both things are very Lena, because as we all know: she's a team player.

Maybe the car Lena's got right now isn't the most reliable thing, but it's all she's got for right now — and she's good at fixing them. It should be able to last her from Brooklyn to Boston: a mere four hours, right? Right?

Wrong. Maybe she hits a pothole too hard on the way up or something. But something is definitely knocked out of place and so she has to pull over to fix it. Sputtering exhaust, the poor thing's on its last legs.

Will that stop her from getting all up under the hood to try and fix the problem herself? No.

Will that also stop Andrew Haldane, who's finally coming home after being stuck in the Hospital Carousel for months, from asking his brother to pull over to see what's going on? Absolutely not. Doubly so because this person is half bent over under the hood of the car.

All of which to say — Andy Haldane meets Lena Connolly with a smudge of oil on her cheek, and her hands, frizzy-haired and huffy. Maybe he's making heart eyes about it. Shut up. Anyways she immediately goes on prattling in irritation about what's wrong and how she can't fix it before catching herself.

Robert offers to drive to the nearest telephone to call a tow company. Lena has, well, her stuff in the car so she doesn't want to leave it. Andy Haldane is now volunteering to wait on the side of the road with a complete stranger 98% because it's the right thing to do and 2% because she's pretty.

if I had a dollar for every blonde pacific man I paired with a ginger I'd have two whole dollars which isn't a lot but��

I think it starts as small talk really; curiosity about how she knows so much about cars, which leads into her being a mechanic, which lends itself to "I used to work on the big birds," and "Really?" and "Flight Engineer, 100th Bomb Group" and "Captain, Fifth Marines."

They don't dive into the nitty gritty details. Lena doesn't ask about that pink scar tissue on his temple and the hair that's shorter than the rest of it. Andy doesn't ask about how one of her fingers is just that much shorter than the others.

But he does make her laugh to take her mind off the tragedy that is her current mode of transportation (more like the lack of it). He does offer to take her wherever she's going (which is more like Robert doing it, because Andy isn't quite ready to be driving yet. But he'll gladly sit in that passenger's seat).

"Do you always offer rides to strangers down on their luck on the side of the road?" and "I feel like if I answer that you're gonna poke a hole in it no matter what I say."

Did I mention he likes making her laugh? Did I mention he's definitely got a crush?

They do get to Jo's, eventually, after Robert comes back and late afternoon is ebbing into early evening. Jo's frazzled and she does not recognize Strange Blonde Man with her at the door but Lena assures her that she'll get the full story later.

Lena also isn't shy when she likes somebody, so Andy does in fact get the New York number and not just the Boston one.

Which Andy calls, when she gets back to New York — her dad picks up first though, and she's giggling and apologizing half-heartedly over the phone.

It's a lot of phone calling and sometimes letter writing until Lena comes back up again. Because I can't escape the friends-to-lovers allegations. I also just think that Andy and Lena first kiss at Cape Cod? Sign me up, quite frankly.

I also think that calling someone at 2am because you can't sleep because you are Haunted™ is a look and by a look I mean the Andy/Lena look. Maybe he can't drive all the way to The Bronx but he'll definitely take the train when she's having a particularly hard time in the bleak midwinter.

My kink is couples who kind of have their shit together but are also just a really good team as well as lovers can we tell yet? Because they make a very good team. And Lena has fully committed herself to getting grease stains on that man's cheeks for years to come

[lemmilemura]

LoveSucks part 3!!!!!! ARE YOU READY??????? I SAID ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Based on the show All kept gender-neutral, 'girly' used once or twice

I hadn't gone to school for a few days, but we also had a week off, so I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't really talk to Janae, Maeve or Simon either, eventhough I knew that was stupid and I really wanted to talk, but I knew I'd just break down the second I say a word.

I never told my parents. Why would I? They wouldn't even really care anyway. Whenever anyone would come to my place, I'd just ignore the doorbell and pretend I was sleeping, even if I was right behind the door, passing by. I knew it wasn't good for me, but at this point I had gotten used to it. Better this than suffering through awkward silences woth Simon.

The only place I went that wasn't home was the beach. I loved it. Just sitting in the sand, nobody else around me, middle of the night. The only sound was the waves, and they calmed me down. I know it sounds stupid, that's why I don't tell anyone. I was truly and wholly miserable. But my friends didn't know. So it couldn't hurt them.

Every night I was at the beach. Not too far away from my car, but still close to the water. Every now and then if a wave was closer, it'd lightly touch my feet. I let my mind to go wherever it wished, but of course it was mostly Janae, Maeve, and of course Simon. Fucking Simon. He never left my mind, even when I was doing things that had absolutely nothing to do with him. He even appeared in my dreams most nights. I hated it. Well, only somewhat. I missed the three of them immensly, so seeing them in my dreams was the most I could at all.

The rushing of the waves hid the sound of another car approaching, I only heard it when it got close. I turned and saw a few boys from school. I tried to just ignore them, but then they noticed me and started coming closer. I immediately stood up and speed-walked to my car. "Where ya goin pretty lady?" One of the called. I walked faster. "Yeah, why don't cha hang out with us?" Another asked.

Just a bit more, c'mon. Because of the sand I wasn't able to walk as fast as I wanted to, but somehow they seemed to be perfectly fine. "We promise we're nice! C'mon, girly!" They tried again. I looked back to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything, then tried to get my keys out of my pocket. But, as always when you're stressed and need to find something quick, it disappears completely and falls every five seconds.

I managed to find the keys pretty quickly, opened the door and got in, but as I was about to close it, one of the guys put his body inbetween me and the door, forcefully keeping it open. "Heyyy, where do you think you're going?" Another then stepped next to him. "Wait a minute, you hang out with Kelleher, right?" "Yeeeeah, now that 'cha say it. What're you doin' all alone here? Finally realized that he's a total freak?" "I'm sure we're much better company that him. So whaddaya say you get out your car and come join us?"

I didn't say anything, saying anything in my, or even worse Simon's defence, would just make this whole ordeal even worse. I turned away and instead worked on getting my car started up. Hopefully if I just drive I can get far enough away and then close the door. I got my key in and the engine started revving to life.

"Hey now..." one guy reached inside to grab my steeringwheel, but just as I turned to face him he got punched in the face. It shook all of us, because it was dark I couldn't really see who punched him, but I was pretty sure it wasn't one of the guys who were trying to get to me. Finally, my car started up, but I couldn't move.

"What the fuck!?" The guy's nose was bleeding from the punch. His friends helped him up then got ready to fight this random dude who was currently my hero. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" One of them asked. "Apparently a total freak" he finally spoke, and I recognized his voice. "Simon what the fuck are you doing?" I whisper yelled, grabbing his arm. "Fucking Kelleher. I'll fucking kill you" the guy he punched started swinging.

I quickly stalled the engine again and pulled out my key, I didn't want any of them driving away in my car, before getting out and doing my best to get to Simon to save him from almost certain death. They sadly already got a couple hits in, but I managed to pull him away and get him in my car. The guys started screaming again, but my brain sort of tuned them out. This time my car was nicer and got started sooner, I backed out of my parking space and drove away, them still screaming after us.

I had never driven that fast in my entire life, I didn't even really care if I'd get a ticket, at this point all I cared about was getting home. As if he'd gotten stabbed or was close to death, while all he had was just a few scrapes. I pulled into my driveway and made the garage door open, then got Simon out. We didn't say anything as I sat him down on the couch in my garage and went to go get our first-aid kit. He just sat there, disheveled, looking around the room. Even when I returned and started assessing the damage we didn't talk.

"You're a fucking idiot." I said. "You were the one at the beach in the middle of the night. Alone." He responded. "Why were you even there? You stalking me or something?" I had to force myself to focus on anything besides the weird feeling in my stomach. "I went to yours but your parents told me you were with Janae. So I called her, and she told me you weren't. I just went to the first place that came to mind."

And then he looked up at me.

How was I supposed to concentrate and get over him if he was looking up at me like a lost, abandoned puppy? Plus our faces were really close, only a few inches apart, so that wasn't helping. I immediately felt a blush coming on, so I turned back to the first aid kit and pretended to be looking for something.

"Should I not have?" He asked. "No, you're fine." I responded. I took a breath and then turned back to face him. "Thank you. Thank you for saving me Simon." I smiled at him. "Heh. Getting beat up was definitely worth it. Don't know what I would have done if they'd done something to you."

The atmosphere finally got too tense, and I decided to just suck it up and started talking. "I'm... sorry for what happened. I just kinda... burst. Just wasn't thinking right I guess." I explained, plopping down next to him. "Well, I still like you." He said, looking to me. "Do you still like me?" He asked, once again giving me a giant puppy face. That fucking face.

"How can I not when you look like a kicked puppy?" I joked, which made him chuckle too. "Seriously though. Did I fuck up?" He asked. "Of course you didn't. I was just... too overwhelmed with shit and overreacted. You're fine, really." I explained. If I could, I would go back in time and not say those things, a lot would be solved and he also wouldn't have gotten beaten up.

"That's good..." We once again sat in silence. I decided to get up and put the first-aid kit away. "So uhm... what were you and Janae listening to that one time you two had a party?" "Wait how do you know about that?" He laughed. "I wanted to come by but saw you two were 'busy'" he said with air-quotes. "So I left" Of course he had to see that. Great.

"It's, well, a playlist we made a while ago." I pulled out my phone and connected it to my speakers. Might as well. "Really? Janae listens to Katy Perry?" He asked. "Kinda? Listen, no matter how you feel about her, Hot N' Cold is amazing." I decided to put it on shuffle, but of course the first song to play was HONEY.

"Okay so we're still friends, but... what about more? Last time we both kinda... blurted it out didn't we?" He said. Shit. That's right. In our overwhelmed-ness we both sort of confessed to eachother. That did happen. "That we did do." I sat back down, this time facing him. "So? What are we? Because I still want to be with you." "I honestly feel like I don't deserve you given how I acted last time."

"Why do you think that?" He asked. "Oh c'mon! I literally flew off the handle at you! I barely let you speak..." I just wanted to disappear that moment, to not have this conversation, but I also knew it needed to happen. "Nonsense! I totally get where you were coming from. But you also can't only blame me for showing up here, it was Janae and Maeve who convinced me."

"They knew??" I could not believe it. My best friend, to whom I had been lamenting my unrequited feelings to knew all that time he felt the same? How could she. The betrayal. "Did you never notice I didn't have any of your notes? I didn't go to school either that day, I just came because I wanted to see you. They convinced me to do it." Janae was definitely getting a phone call later.

"Never thought you would skip school." I joked. "I wasn't skipping. I felt like shit. Not that it mattered, I changed my attendance so it's fine. Changed yours too by the way." "You know you didn't have to do that." I said. "There's a lot of things I don't have to do but still do because, and get this," he leaned closer "I want to" he whispered.

For a moment we stayed like that, faces so close, just looking at eachother. "Just like this." He said, then grabbed my face and kissed me. It happened so fast I couldn't even blink. He just grabbed me, pulled me in, and let me go just as fast. I just stared, obviously flushed, in disbelief. "I still love you." He said. "Do you still love me?" Just as fast, I threw all cautioun out the window and kissed him again, this time actually participaring.

To think that the moment I had waited for so long was finally there was surreal, the feeling completely foreign, but oh so welcome. "I'll take that as a yes" he managed to say between kisses, then pushed me so I was laying down on the couch.

Janae would get that call tomorrow.

[dollsonmain]

I'm very jealous of places with public transit. If there were busses or trains here, I could work in a lot of places instead of having to make sure wherever I try to work doesn't add too much time to That Guy's commute since the only way I can get to work is if he drives me and he refuses to go out of his way for this, or the car is here to drive myself.

That means I have to find a job that is between 4a and 3p (though later pick up is ok, just inconvenient, and a later start time means I'd be stuck outside somewhere waiting for my shift to start) and between here and where he works, or find something that starts around 5p [because he doesn't always come home at 3 to make the car available] and not be home at all when the two of them are home.

I kind of need to be here when they are. That Guy is a megadick to the boy when I'm not around (or he thinks I can't hear him).

Also work starting at 5 and ending late at night would really suck since I'm getting up at 3:30a regardless thanks to that being when That Guy gets up, and then Son tends to get up as soon as That Guy is out the door.

Of course, no one needs people between 4am and 3pm because EVERY parent wants to work during school hours.

-

There have been some decent listings for work I could potentially do, but they're all half-an-hour north and That Guy doesn't want to add more hours to his already 2.5 hour commute every day.

-

It's frustrating that he is both necessary for me to have the opportunity to work, and in the way of me being able to work.

-

I think I'm going to have to try to get an early-morning shift at a grocery store or something, though I've been stalking their job listings and they all want nights and weekends, too.

[autistic-duck]

Yesterday I had another realization about why my brain is constantly stressed out, and I think it has to do with how I process change.

I've been trying to find articles or studies online that explain what is going on in the brain when an autistic person processes change, but so far I haven't seen anything. It's basically just:

Google: Autistic people often struggle with change.

Me, to Google: Yes, I know that. I want to know why it's such a big struggle.

Google: Change can cause a lot of anxiety in autistic people. Here is an article on how to handle change better.

Me: That's literally. Not what I asked.

What does it feel like when most people process change? Because, for me, it's pretty awful, and I'd like descriptions of what it's like for other people, especially those who really struggle with it.

For me, it's like my mind starts functioning at 20%. Everything (literally) becomes cloudy in my vision, and I lose the ability to make logical decisions. I'm completely overwhelmed by intense confusion that never stops. I described it to my family as having a constant "HUH?" stuck in my head. It's like my brain becomes a literal question mark, and I take much longer to react to new stimuli. (If someone were to randomly scream right next to me, I'd jump at the sound like 5 seconds too late, and people wouldn't even be able to tell if the scream is what made me jump.)

Here are a couple of examples of changes that throw me off and send me into what I call a "shock state":

switching doctors

moving to a new location

entering a new building

starting a new job

changing something up in my routine (using different art supplies, taking a different route when driving, using a different cooking method, etc.)

traveling literally anywhere

I am a level one/high-functioning autistic person, and for nearly every one of these things, I've had help. However, that feeling of confusion doesn't go away until I've had several hours (at minimum) to adjust. Sometimes it takes me weeks or months to really "find myself" again, and when I transitioned into being a college student, I didn't find my footing until about two years into it.

Even then, I have my family to help out when I find myself in that state of confusion. I can't even imagine how awful it could become if they weren't always there wherever I went because I might do or say something that puts me in danger, completely on accident. I'm so sorry for anyone reading this who has been put in that kind of situation, and I hope you're safe now with the support you need.

Is this a normal thing that everyone else experiences? I've heard people describe the feeling of "culture shock" when they move somewhere far away, and it sounds similar, but this kind of thing happens pretty much everywhere I go.

Has anyone else been able to find anything on this topic? It's not just a sensory processing thing (although that's a huge part of it).

I know most people don't like change, but I've always felt that I processed it in a fundamentally different way than most people.

[indigo-a-creeping]

Finished my character sheets and bits of setting stuff for this year's Nanowrimo, but I'm holding off on practice writing prompts until October so I don't burn out on it before November. It'll be good, though.

I'd like to turn last year's project into a podcast, but I haven't done much on that front. I'd need to reformat it and practice voices and think more about music and sounds.

I'd like to self-publish lots of other old writing of mine for Kindle because it's free and easy, but I'd need to edit and reformat a bit.

I want to learn how to use my sewing machine. It's sitting there waiting.

I also want to teach myself embroidery. My MC of this year's writing project uses embroidery as magic, so that is something I want to start before November as well.

I have a ton of other craft projects sitting around.

I've thought about painting murals on my house since I bought it, and never got to it. Just turning the whole thing into a stained glass look would be cool. I can get all the free paint I want at the hazardous waste disposal site in town.

I'm writing my third D20 fanfic, and I have another few ideas written down for when I'm done with that. I want to rewatch some of the seasons.

In non-creative news I recently drove halfway across the country for a single day that included a few hours at camp, which was 1000% worth it despite the terrible drive back home. It was loads of fun, and I hope the staff didn't mind that I kind of inserted myself into every bit of the campfire (the kids certainly didn't mind). Personally, I always thought it was unfortunate that the alumni weren't more involved in what was going on when they came. I'll gladly do it again next year. I am in love with that place in a way I'm not sure I could ever love a person.

I've been able to get back into work smoothly after my long absence. I like it there, and they love me, and I got a raise that will go into effect at the end of the month. It's a great place, though still not really... personally fulfilling. But it's good for a while.

I applied for a history teaching job just before going back to work. The interview went well, though they ultimately went with someone who had more of a history background, which is fair. I would have liked it, but I'm not heartbroken. This wasn't really the right time for me, but I'll keep looking.

I'm still planning to sell my house and move when Peri's gone (probably no more than 4 years). Not sure where I'll move. I've been looking at Michigan (or New England or Oregon or New Mexico or etc.). ...Or Canada, or some other country. Again, I fall in love with places. I'd like to be closer to people I care about too, though it's hard as they have been moving around too. And I feel like I haven't been able to make or hold onto any close connections very well. I'd also like to not be too far from camp, even if I just go back once a year. Wherever I go, I need to get out of red states. Thankfully I have time to think about that.

[tiredassmage]

6 Do you have your Rook(s) planned out to any degree? If so, would you share some details or ideas you have?

I do have this one! How much of an apology I will owe Tyr for dragging him into new universes since he's become my blorbo obsession is going to depend wildly on the ongoing plot of Veilguard, lol, but I've only, like, half-threatened him with a jaunt into the Dragon Age before, ironically first about a year ago was my first stab at putting him in Inquisition, but now with Veilguard on the table, I think... that's way more the right style to introduce him to Dragon Age and I'm... a little obsessed with the ability to see him in that style, ngl.

So that means Tyr's probably gonna be my first playthrough and that'll be a melee focused rogue, probably... with a background with the Antivan Crows (gotta pay homage to that operative/spy background, after all). And since the Inquisitor's making an appearance, it'll kinda be a cute little treat for me. My canon Inquisitor is... synthesized, we'll say, from the first oc I had that I've toted almost everywhere since, so to be able to have him on-screen with my latest blorboly beloved will be pretty sweet, I think. Astor as that original oc and Hallaren as my Inquisitor are cut of the same cloth and there's still a lot of similarities between them, but I think there's some distinct things about Hallaren that'd incline me to classify them as two different ocs, in the end.

Tyr in general I think is a good one to put in Rook's shoes because he's... a balance of ideals and pragmatism and a driving force of a core that pushes him to act wherever and in whichever ways he feels he's able, so I think he'll take to the role well.

I do also feel like I'm... gonna have to do a mage run at some point; mage is usually the playstyle in these games that I've enjoyed the most and it's what Hallaren is (I believe with... Knight-Enchanter as his specialization, iirc). Don't have any solid plans for this one yet because we're still really early as far as information goes, but I am intrigued at the tease from I think it was the Q&A's that Rook will have a reason to have a particular aversion to blood magic, so I'll have to see what that's all about and see if I can wrap it up more specifically in any kind of character concept. And I'm getting the feeling that this is a game I'll want several playthroughs of anyway, so! Very eager to see what else might cook up in the brain stew as we learn some more and I actually get my hands around the game!

I'll say the one class I probably won't touch is any of the warrior things, lol. I'm... kinda bad at playing them in Dragon Age games so far. xD My one Inquisitor with a warrior build I ended up focusing into more combat abilities and taking Bull or Blackwall with him to handle more of the battlefield commanding. I'm here to hit buttons and have a good time, lol!

(bonus tax of last year's inquisition!tyr and. I need to stop seeing that post about starting Inquisition and maybe surviving the Hinterlands by the time Veilguard comes out because it's feeling too true for Hallaren's replay xD)

In another life, I'd been half-ready to justify Tyr as one of the scouts and spies of the Inquisition to begin with, so! Veilguard is solving some of my blorbo urges that way xD

[maryellencarter]

am building WOBSITE

the visible parts are almost all placeholder text right now, so I'm not linking it, but I'm having a ton of fun.

i looked at wordpress, but it wants everything to be boxes you drag and drop, which does not sound conducive to fiddling with it on my phone between customers. also you have to pay for an "ad-free experience" and i wasn't clear if i was being advertised *to* or having ads put *on* my site, but neither of those sounded fun. also as far as i can tell it's still fundamentally a blog (probably?) and if i wanted a blog i understood the construction of i'd just make another dreamwidth

then i went and looked at neocities, which is a name i have heard Around. apparently they were created originally for people to import their geocities sites onto, when geocities was in the process of going kablooie, and their goal is to provide a way for people to build that kind of real simple website with html and css mostly.

and it turns out they are EXACTLY what i was looking for!

(1) not a blog. they give you an index.html homepage and you can do whatever from there. completely flexible.

(2) they promise never to put ads on your site.

(3) very not gatekeepery. when you create a new html page for your website, they helpfully format it for you with all the machine-readable header shit so that it will display like a website rather than raw code, and connect it to a basic css stylesheet so you can use things like headers, and even include some basic code like "This is a paragraph! Here's how you make a link! Here's how you add emphasis and strong tags! Here's how you insert a picture! (placeholder picture of their logo)" They seem quite enthusiastic about wanting everybody to have fun making little wobsites. They have a bunch of tutorials too, which I haven't really dug into because most of what I actually need to brush up on is specific googleable questions like "how do I put an internal anchor link to a footnote again"

(4) In-browser HTML editor. This is the one that really sold me on it. I was using Gdocs for the convenience factor of being able to make quick gameplay notes at work. Now I can make notes the same way, but organized and cross-referenced and *flappy hands*

(5) You get a gigabyte of storage for free, and a certain amount of bandwidth. If you subscribe at $5 a month as a "supporter" (their only paid tier), you get 50 GB of storage, custom domain name options instead of being only at [name].neocities.org, the ability to create multiple websites with one login, and some other stuff too.

(6) I have currently used about 75 KB of my gigabyte. That's so little that it's still showing as 0.0% usage. It's also, slightly horrifyingly, roughly 15,000 "words" at the typing-speed standard count of 5 characters per word. I know I booted up my laptop after work and did a bunch of template building, so I can make all my listings and stuff consistent, but... that's almost three hours of straight typing at the speeds I use at work. I didn't think I'd been doing *that* much hunt-and-peck coding on my phone. Weekends are so busy too.

(7) Oh, they have a handy button for "Download your entire website" on your dev page too. And another one for "Mount your website as a drive on your computer", which I have no idea what I'd do that for, but that's the kind of open source mindset I like to see. The kind where they provide (usable, helpfully documented) tools to create shit, and then make it easy to take your shit wherever you want.

(8) I strongly doubt I'm going to use up this gigabyte anytime soon, especially if I stick to just HTML and don't start hosting pictures of all the item drops like a wiki, but I might subscribe anyway if I haven't burned out on this project in like a week, because it really is providing me *exactly* what I was picturing for the platform to build this wobsite on, and I had no idea that existed, so I would like it to continue to exist.

(9) I like their terms and conditions too. Anti-censorship, a statement that by using the service you agree that you might run across any type of the crap people put on the interwebs (including sexually explicit material, specifically called out) and the site isn't responsible for censoring any of it that isn't illegal. Standard provisions for determining what content is legal according to the laws of the state of Oregon specifically [which is considered a very permissive place for the US and is probably pretty unlikely to outlaw queer content in the near future], strict provisions against knowingly collecting any personal information from anyone under 18, and a *lot* of strict provisions against using the service to spam, hack, DDOS, or otherwise commit cybercrimes. I approve of these priorities.

(Also, my HTML is still at least as fluent as my Latin, which pleases me.)

[themathomhouse]

tw suicidal thoughts

There's a line in The Muppets Christmas Carol that's been haunting me since my boyfriend left me last month. No, not the song about love being gone - that's more like a flood of tears - when the Ghost of Christmas Present sings, "it's true, wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas".

Christmas has been complicated for me for many reasons for a long time. I'm Jewish but my family isn't religious, and we always did Christmas. My relationship with my mother in particular can be difficult, and she's very critical of me. Christmas hadn't been especially enjoyable for me for a long time, and every relationship I'd had they never wanted to spend time with me around then.

But this year, I was going to spend several days with my boyfriend and his polycule. My metamour is also Jewish so I'd hoped we could do Chanukah together too, but even if not, we had activities planned and the whole thing was going to represent me finally being with people who felt like family.

Then he left me out of nowhere last month. After spending most of the week telling me he loved me, he then said actually he fell out of love with me months before. He said he didn't know who he was anymore.

He walked out of my life at a time when my mental health was at its worst, and he took whatever happiness I had left with him. When I don't feel completely empty, all I feel is the love I still have for him and the family and the abject despair of knowing that's gone forever. The only person who feels any of that is me.

I really didn't want to do Christmas this year. It just represented everything I'd lost. But, Christmas Eve, I was persuaded to go to my parents' house for Christmas dinner. I'd put in with my sister to get theatre tickets, but I wanted to bring something for my parents to open so I dragged myself shopping.

Huge mistake. I was surrounded by people all excited and planning the next day, people talking happily and decorations everywhere. I kept seeing things I could have got for the poly family, kept being reminded of the activities we'd planned. The things they were probably doing right that moment without me. Probably not even thinking of me. I saw so many couples and just couldn't do it anymore.

I left without getting any gifts. Security stopped me to check I was okay, with how red my eyes were and how hard I was crying; and it was humiliating.

I sobbed in the car park and could see people walking past staring at me. Eventually I decided to just drive home anyway.

And on the way home I wanted to end my life.

All I wanted - all I still want - is the life he promised me. The adventures we were going to take together, experiences we were going to have, me maybe moving in. I'd incorporated him into all of my life plans, and taking him back out of even ones I'd had before was just miserable. If that's all life is going to be, I just don't want it.

The only thing that stopped me from driving off the side of the road down a drop was my cat. She still needs me. Nobody else wants or loves me, but the cat is completely attached and I think she'd struggle without me.

Today I'm realising that I don't feel in the Christmas spirit because I don't feel loved anymore. And I don't think I will again. Not like that.

I feel grief and heartache. I'm going to stay alive for the cat, but I feel like an empty shell where a person used to be. There was a light that's just burnt out forever.

Dragged myself here (giftless) for Christmas dinner. I feel atrocious. My fibromyalgia has flared horrendously and everything hurts, and with how bad my acid reflux has been I'm not sure how much of dinner I will be able to eat. But, I showed up. Might as well make the best of it.

Mum showed me a perfume she'd got. I sniffed it.

I don't often get allergic reactions to perfumes, but whatever it is that's in things that I can't tolerate must be in that one. My throat started to close up and I had to take an antihistamine and hope that would be enough.

Part of me hoped that it wouldn't.

It did kick in. I feel like I've been hit by a lorry, but I can breathe.

I really can't take anything more. There isn't going to be a final straw - a straw might be too large and heavy as a metaphor for what it will take for me to break.

[vodka-redbull-daily]

November 18th, 2023 (Part 1)

*Graphic Sexual Content*

So when I was coming home from work, I got message by this guy asking if I wanted to meet up right then and it was already almost 1:00 in the morning.  one of his very first messages to me was “ I have coke”.  I told him I didn't really do drugs, so he offered me alcohol instead. that, I can get down with. I went to go pick him up from his friends condo so he didn't have to get an Uber. after that, we went back to his place and I was planning on spending the night. he had even suggested it since it's such a far drive for me. we got into his apartment and he made me a drink. he didn't have any red bull, so it was vodka and diet coke. he himself did the cocaine. so I guess we both kind of had Coke that night, but it was still very different.

His apartment was really nice. he's one of those super rich white people;  he owns a bunch of bars in Austin some in Houston and a few in San Antonio. he does investments in real estate shit. basically, one of those rich people who came from rich background so they can spend money wherever they want to make more money.  I mean, who else would be able to randomly afford a shit ton of coke. I really don't know that much about drugs but it did seem like a lot from what I've heard from movies and stuff. they usually measured in grams, as far as I know,  and generally speaking I think I know about how much a gram is of something. unless cocaine is almost as light as a feather, that had to be like 50 to 60 G of coke. seems like a lot to me but maybe it isn't.

 after he did a little bit of Coke, we kind of  sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen and talked for a little bit.  he had me connect my phone to his TV through Bluetooth so that I could play some music. we talked for a little bit,  but that didn't last very long. I didn't even finish my full drink before we were making out and I was feeling him up through his pants.  I wasn't even tipsy yet, but he had been drinking at his friend's house and it started doing coke once we got there, so I guess he was pretty…  I don't really know what the term for drunk and high at the same time is but I feel like there probably is a word for that.

 we went into his bedroom and for once ( an absolute miracle)  I didn't have to suck his dick.  instead, he went straight for putting it inside me. he didn't have any condoms, which is a really weird thing for somebody who's on that kind of a site to not have. I always tell people I'm not on birth control even though I am. better safe than sorry. he said that if we needed, we would just buy the morning after pill when we woke up. we didn't have sex for very long at all, probably like 5 minutes before he came. I don't know what's up with all these short-term guys recently. this is now twice in a row that I haven't cum During sex which is very strange for me. I normally cum so easily, but these guys just aren't lasting long enough to even get me worked up to that level.

 after that, he cleaned up where he had made a mess on the bed sheets and we went back out to living room. after a minute or so, he talked about how it would actually be better if I just went home for the night. I hadn't finished my whole drink, but I was starting to feel a little bit tipsy and a little bit paranoid that maybe I had accidentally breathed in some of the coke that had been left over and his mustache. still, there's no point in me staying if he didn't want me there and he had already paid me the $400 I'd ask for. so, he walked me down through the lobby past the security guard who had let us in the first place and I got my car and went home.

 my paranoia was even worse as I was driving home because there were so many cops on the road. Since at this point I was a little tipsy, and really thought that I might be a little bit High, I was extremely nervous the whole drive. I texted D---- that I was on my way home and a bunch of cops were following me. there was at least one right on my tail, but I didn't want to go any faster cuz I didn't want to give him a reason to pull me over. my registration is expired, I don't have insurance right now, my check engine lights on, and I was a little bit tipsy. even without the possibility of me having accidentally snorted some of that cocaine, it would have been really bad if he had pulled me over. there were several more cops just kind of hanging around us on the highway, going it just the right speed to where I couldn't lose them, but they won't passing me. they finally all exited the highway when I started to get out of Austin.  I guess they turned back to circle the area again. it was Friday night. they must have just been trying to fill a quota.  although, I did pass at least one more on the way home way outside of the Austin limits.

 once I was home, I was all snuggled in bed and getting ready to go to sleep when  M--- texted me again. he was talking about how he shouldn't have kicked me out, how he wanted to have sex again, how he wanted me to come back. on the one hand, I was extremely unsatisfied so I did kind of want to go back and have sex again, but there were just too many cops out and it was such a long drive. I told him that and that I probably wouldn't be coming back tonight, but maybe we could do something tomorrow. I also had just masturbated to satisfy that urge. I really don't understand why he kicked me out in the first place, but it doesn't really matter that much to me.

[paper-mario-wiki]

How do I stop being jealous of other people

I'm going to assume you've already considered the whole "learn to be grateful with what you have in life, and understand the beauty of individuality" line of thinking, so I'll try to give you actionable advice. This is, of course, barring existential setbacks. If you are jealous of Ryan Seacrest because he looks exactly like Ryan Seacrest and you want to look exactly like Ryan Seacrest and that's as deep as your reasoning can possibly go, then unfortunately there's not much that can be done beyond going to therapy and talking about your weird obsession with Ryan Seacrest. As for everything else, here's what I can tell you;

Identify why you're jealous of them beyond them having something that you want. Understand why you you do not have it and why they do. Think about why you want what they have, and see if you can uncover some secret, other, achievable thing that you can get for yourself. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking something is unachievable because we envision it only being something we can do under the most unbelievably strenuous and impossible circumstances.

Example. I'm jealous of billionaires like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos because they have a lot of money. I also, of course, feel a lot of other emotions about people like this for reasons beyond this, obviously there's a whole ethical debate about having that much money to begin with, but the fact of the matter is that I want more money.

Okay, so why do I want that money? Well, I've been really stressed about paying bills this month. I've been searching for jobs but coming up short, and I'd like to be able to have and save money, and to be able to find mobility. Why do I want security and mobility? Well, I want to be able to move to wherever I want, like New York or Chicago or LA without it being a life changing process that I can't come back from. How can I do those things? What exactly do I need? Well, first I'd need to be a certain tax bracket, I'd need to have enough money to rent more than one home, probably. And I'd need to find a job that specifically allows me to move around, so something remote. If I can work my way up to making something like 100k a year, I can probably get pretty close to what I want. It's tough, but it's nowhere near as tough as becoming a billionaire, and I know it's something I'm capable of.

Now, the exact way I went about this process may not match you, but the crux of my method is breaking down my problem, finding out the key aspects of my desire beyond "I want a lot of money", and creating a more realistic way for me to achieve something like that. In doing so I decentralize the problem from being about one person, and turned it into a broad range of steps. If you can turn your envy of someone into a plan, then you'll quickly find your spite turning into drive. Other people having something doesn't mean that you can't have it, but it can be demoralizing to see them already achieve it while you haven't made much progress on it. Realize that you're just anxious about starting, and try to get started on it in a way that's possible for you.

This will of course only work if you legitimately take these steps to heart. Sometimes, unfortunately, the reason we want to feel jealous is because it can feel good to be angry. We can find reasons to be angry at people without being emotionally invested in them, and that's okay. I used to not let myself get angry, and that's not healthy. Anger exists for a reason, and one should allow themselves to feel it without letting it become destructive.

This is the best advice I can give. I'm not a life coach or therapist by any means, but I hope you can find something to use in this.

[equallyshaw]

𝖉𝖊𝖏𝖆 𝖛𝖚 - 𝖒𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖜 𝖙𝖐𝖆𝖈𝖍𝖚𝖐.

Inspire by miss o. rodrigos: deja vu.

Warnings: nothing, but let me know!

Word Count: 1.2k+

—

So when you gonna tell her

That we did that, too?

She thinks it's special

But it's all reused

That was our place, I found it first

I made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you

—

God, I remember is so very clearly being it got deleted. Taryn had posted a photo of you and your new girlfriend in Malibu, where we used to spend a good amount of your offseason at. It helped with me being a freelance writer, so following you after college to Calgary was not hard, as well as to wherever your offseason took you. But I remember seeing the place where we got out ice cream, each time. Never straying from tradition. Does she know? Does she know we made out in your convertable near that ice cream shop, that had a beach right underneath? Your sibilings and your parents know, we had brought them there many a times. Then I saw another photo of the coffee shop, we frequented. It was Brady that posted a short video, scanning you guys. She must feel pretty special huh? That you supposedly know where all the 'cool' spots are? Like it wasn't me who didn't scour the internet and talked to some locals about places to visit and try. I was the one matthew, not you. So I hope she isn't fooled.

Then I lurked one day, to her instagram after Taryn posted a photo of your new girlfriend and her. I looked at her most recent of you two in Malibu, and saw the caption that was a direct line from me. Verbatum. You were never good at one liner's, so I hope she doesn't seriously think you are a comedic genius or anything. That would be comical.

—

Do you get déjà vu when she's with you?

—

Do you think about me when you're there with her? Do you get flashbacks of me when you go to the beach? The same coffee shops? Restaurants? That was our home away from home, at one point and I'd be stupid to not believe you don't think about me everytime you go in one of those places. That's exactly what happens to me when I go on with my day. I moved to Malibu when we broke up, because I fell in love with the community. I enjoyed the peace, how people stick to themselves and the beauty of the land. Something we always tried to soak in before venturing up North as the season started. I see you wherever I go, but fortunatly it's getting better and better. I know longer and nervous to go about my day, and have began to forget about those times. Have you? I see you trying to replicate everything we did, I even witnessed it once.

—

Do you call her

Almost say my name?

'Cause let's be honest

We kinda do sound the same

Another writer

I hate to think that I was just your type

—

I saw you two one day before I saw Taryn post anything. You guys were walking into the coffee shop we used to frequent, as I was working on a piece for the L.A Times. I immeditely picked your voice out from the others and my head shot up, as you repeated her name. It sounded almost like mine, and I scoffed. Not only annoyed with your presence, but after a bit of eavesdropping, I found out she was an author. I could taste the vile in my mouth, as tears brimmed my eyes. Did you seriously have a type? Not only our names sound similiar, but we do the exact same thing. I rememeber clearly, not being able to think properly as I stared at my screen. Did you see me? Did you see me as I felt the gears in my head turn? You must of, it was a small place.

Then you two left, and I followed shortly. I could barely breathe as I pictured you two together. Again, scoffing before driving off. It hurt to think that I could simply be discarted and 'replaced' in a matter of months. It was March when we broke up, and I saw you in July after a brutal loss in the playoffs during the Battle of Alberta. I had never wanted Leon Draistl to win so badly, comically.

And I couldn't get over the fact that she was exactly what a hockey player should have at home, bearing your children and running the household. Also, the fact that she was a old family friend made it conveniant for your parents. Cuz, it looked good. It made sense, where you and I did not.

—

I'll bet that she knows Billy Joel

'Cause you played her "Uptown Girl"

You're singing it together

Now I bet you even tell her

How you love her

In between the chorus and the verse

—

We had 'our song' by Billy Joel, is it yours too? I can picture how you two sing it, holding her in your arms. You sing the whole song lowly, in her ears, her blushing cheeks never ceasing. And then I can picture, you whispering I love you during the middle of it. Because I can still hear perfectly in mine. As I fall asleep, I see us in our apartment in Calgary after being trapped during a christmas blizzard. We twirled, dipped and swayed during the early hours of the morning, drunk on champagne and love. It was our first christmas at our shared place, and I can still hear the tone and echo of your voice as we sung the song together. My cheeks never ceased to flush, as we did so. She must think your so cool, with your new music collection that I left because it hurt to much to take. We used to spend hours in downtown calgary paroozing thrift stores and record shops, growing my collection which in turn- is now yours.

I just don't understand how you can go on, doing everything that we used to do. Is it not weird? Do you think I don't know? I have friends in Calgary in too. Who do you think I spent a lot of my time with, when you were away?

—

So when you gonna tell her

That we did that, too?

She thinks it's special

But it's all reused

That was the show we talked about

Played you the song she's singing now when she's with you

—

Does she know? Does she know that she's doing all the things we used to do? I don't blame her, for being oblivious or naive. I blame you, in some sick and twisted way. She must think im a creep or obsessed with you and her. Since, I sometimes view her stories thinking I might get a glimpse of you. No, I just think it's quite weird to be living our life somewhat vicrioulsy through her. Hoping that that could heal your heart or twisted mind? That making similar memories with her, will finally get you to stop thinking about me? Ironically, I laugh at her stories when youre in it. Again, just getting deja vu from the restaurants and coffee shops we visited. I hope she makes you happy, because you once made me happy.

—

Love,

somebody who was too good 4 u.

—

this was BAD, i know. i just wanted to get this out :)

[digital-corruption]

Unrecognisable Part 23

“You know, maybe we could find another way to Colville,” I suggested nervously. 

Jake was eyeing up the only cars in the diner’s parking lot. All three were old and used and obviously needed by their owners. To steal one of them felt so petty. I just couldn’t stomach doing that to them.

“You're going to let me steal a semi then?” he looked back at me annoyed. “Have you forgotten what’s at stake here?”

“I know, but if you steal one of those, you're really going to make someone’s life miserable,” I argued. 

“He made my life miserable!” Jake snapped at me. 

“Jake, I’m sorry, that’s not- I didn’t mean to-,” I struggled to find the right words. “It’s just making sure he sees out his full sentence is no excuse to mess with someone else’s life.”

He came up at me with fire in his eyes. I backed up until I hit the exterior wall of the diner and even then he got right into my face, staring holes into me.

“I got out of the hospital as soon as I could walk, but the pain, the pain wasn’t gone. It stayed with me wherever I went, whatever I did, for months. For fucking months! So what if some waitress has a bad day or week even? At least she’s able to sleep! You know who shouldn’t be able to sleep? Richard fucking Roger,” he gritted his teeth.

“How did you cope with it?” my voice shook as I tried to remain calm.

Jake pulled away slowly, “Cope isn’t a word I would use to describe that time in my life. I survived and that’s all that matters.”

“Jake...” I stroked the side of his face. “Is that why you got the tattoo?”

He turned his head away, “A friend convinced me it would help me regain control.”

“Fuck,” I bit my lip. “I wish I was there for you. I should’ve been there for you!”

“No!” he roared. “Never! Fuck, the things I did then... I had absolutely no restraint. I just did whatever the fuck I wanted to whoever I wanted. I would have- I would have done things. Regrettable things. It was better you weren’t there. Having you here now has been a reminder I must never let myself stray that far off the path again.”

I sighed, “It’s your story the board needs to hear, not mine.”

“How? As far as they’re concerned, I wasn’t there!” he refuted. “It’s not like I can walk in, point to him and say, ‘That’s the son of a bitch that nearly burned me alive!’”

“Do you have your hospital records? We show them those. For the John Doe discovered on the side of the road outside the mines with severe burns,” I argued.

“Of course I have them,” he admitted. “We still need to get to Colville though. We have just over five hours and over three hours of driving to cover and you won’t let me steal a fucking piece of shit car because it might hurt someone’s feelings. So how, pray tell, will we get there?”

“I don’t know. We start walking until we find something else?” I shrugged.

“Wow, so you're too good to steal from these people, but maybe after another hour of walking we'll find someone who does meet your criteria,” he said sarcastically.

“Or we hitch a ride with one of the truck drivers!” I offered. “No, wait, that ended badly the last time.”

“If we weren’t so focused on getting to Colville, I'd say we just sneak onto the back of one of the trailers and let fate take us to our next destination,” he shook his head.

“I suppose going back inside and asking each driver where they were going would look rather suspicious,” I thought out loud.

“No, but I have other ways of finding out who’s going where,” Jake stepped away and looked at the company names on the sides of the trailers. “Some of these are local, but some are traveling across country. I just need to find out which one is going in our direction.”

“And that will get us closer?” I questioned.

“It should cut the distance down considerably,” he nodded. “Just have to hope they have space in the back for us.”

Jake took off his backpack and crouched down to pull out his laptop. He then sat down on the concrete with his back against the wall and while his computer woke up from sleep. As soon as it loaded he was absorbed in his work so I let him be. 

Meanwhile I started pacing back and forth. I thought about the hearing and tried to figure out exactly what I was going to say to the board. Never before had I given such a statement in front of the person involved. Sure, I was asked to speak at Richy’s trial, but the judge had agreed to letting the prosecution video conference me in. I didn’t actually have to stand in front of Richy and give testimony against him, which made it a lot easier for me back then. To be honest, I hadn’t even seen him since his video confession. The others told me he had been burnt badly by the fire, but that was as much as I knew. This time I would be speaking out against him while standing in the same room. This would have a lasting effect on his life. Could I pull it off? Did I have the backbone for it?

I paused and looked at Jake working at his laptop. Alan Bloomgate, the Duskwood police chief, told me they couldn’t bring up manslaughter charges against Richy because there was no body and no way of proving that a wanted fugitive was even in the mines. They could only charge him for the kidnapping, assault, and arson. As Richy plead guilty to those charges and showed deep remorse, he managed to get away with lighter sentencing. Because he gave key eyewitness testimony against Hannah and he was able to prove that he had drunk too much that night, he managed to avoid any charges related to Jennifer’s death. Hannah, his kidnapping victim, was forced to accept the full force of the law over Jennifer’s death. It had been the worst outcome in all of this - Richy’s full sentence was the same time as Hannah’s earliest release. If we could prove Jake’s injuries were a result of Richy’s reckless behaviour then maybe we could at least guarantee that Richy sees the same time as Hannah and that would be the only solace we had in all of this. I'd only have one shot at this. If they grant him parole, that’s it, he’s free.

“There, that truck with the tarpaulin sides is running freight to the depot outside Colville, about 30 minutes away from the prison. It looks like it is only 80% full so there should be enough space for us to slip in,” Jake announced optimistically.

Jake closed his laptop and shoved it back into his backpack. Then he pulled out his pocket knife and stood up, slinging his backpack back over his shoulders. He took off in the direction of the truck in question without warning. I had to rush to catch up to him. He opened his pocket knife and cut a small hole into the tarp on the side of the truck. Quickly he put his pocket knife away, and after taking one last look around, he pushed the tarp open enough for him to climb through. Once he was in, he held the tarp open for me to climb in after him.

The trailer had several full pallets of various cartons, all plastic wrapped for transport, but there was enough space for us to sit on the floor at the back of the truck. Jake pulled his backpack off and sat down with his back against the rear of the trailer. I dropped our bag to the ground and sat down next to Jake while pulling the bag close to my side.

“Now we wait,” Jake sighed.

“He’s going to leave soon, right?” I asked nervously.

“Well, he’s scheduled to be arriving at Colville by 1 so he better?” Jake responded less confidently. “Stealing a car is still an option.”

“No, we’ll stick with this,” I nodded. Jake waited a moment, then pulled his laptop back out. “What are you doing?”

“Hurrying things along,” he explained. “There,” he turned and smiled at me.

“Do I want to know what you did?” I said apprehensively.

“Just sent a message, that’s all,” he grinned. "A harmless little message."

Jake went back to his laptop and switched windows. I rested my head on his shoulder as I watched him connect to a remote server and download several files stored on there. He opened them to check through the contents. As soon as the first one loaded, I realised they were his hospital records. First was a digital written record describing the extent of the injuries. Next was a statement from the EMTs that brought him in, detailing where he was found and who had called it in. He was about to open the next file when he paused.

"I didn't want to show you these, but if you’re going to take them to the parole board, it's best you see the photos now," he sighed. "Are you ready?"

I hugged his arm and nodded, "Show me."

God, I wish he hadn’t. If there was anything in my life I wish I could unsee, it was those photos of Jake’s burns. Thankfully the truck started up just in time for the noise of the engine to drown out my cries.

[buckyhoney-library]

nsfw alphabet, b.b

A/N: so sorry it took so long! hope you enjoy! sebastians & nomad!steve should be out sometime this week(end)!

reblogs/likes/feedback are greatly appreciated & highly encouraged

However, do NOT repost/steal ANY of my fics on my blog!

Warnings: 18+, language, smutty thoughts, sorry for any missed typos!

chris evans nsfw alphabet

A = Aftercare (What are they like after sex)

bucky takes aftercare so seriously! he makes sure that you have everything that you need and you're taken care of first. showering you in praises, holding you close, getting you water or snacks- he is at your beck and call.

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part on themselves and on their partner)

thighs. thighs. thighs. He loves laying between them with his head resting on your stomach. His fingers tracing patterns on your skin- peppering kisses on the inside. bucky's arms are hooked around them while he is giving you head, rubbing small circles on the outside.

bucky has grown to love his vibranium arm, because of how much you love it. he has changed arm usage from a weapon to a useful tool in every situation. being able to cool it and playing with temperatures, pinning you down- making sure you go nowhere- or even being able to cause it to vibrate.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum)

he loves to paint with his cum. as much as he LOVES to cum inside you and make you hold it- there is something so pretty with his cum plastered on your back or on your tummy. "you look so pretty with my cum on your thighs," bucky is especially fond of watching it drip down your breasts or leak down your thighs. bucky just stares in awe of how it glistens against your skin.

D = Dirty Secret (What do they secretly want)

he wants you to praise him. bucky lives off of praise and when you whimper how good he's making you feel or how he's such a good boy? it throws him over the edge, encouraging him to go faster and harder. he'll never ask for them, but when you start hyping him up, fuck he enters a state of nirvana.

E = Experience (Do they know what they are doing?)

1940's bucky as we all know was very experienced but after eighty years of nothing? he needs a little help regaining his confidence, but man will he practice and have no problems asking for help. he'd be a little embarrassed of cumming early or not being able to satisfy like he used too, but bucky watches porn and experiments like no tomorrow, catching up on all the new toys/techniques/positions etc.

F = Favorite Position (Self-explanatory)

bucky's favorite position would be cowgirl or where you're laying on your side, so he could hold you. cowgirl because he gets the perfect view of your body and everything about it.

with an honorable mention of missionary- but missionary with your legs in the air spread for all can see. if he's feeling a little spicy, he'll press on your lower abdomen, adding extra pressure.

G = Goofy (Are they serious during sex or goofy

BOTH. There is a time and a place for serious, rough, passionate sex (and boy does he enjoy that), but for the most part, Bucky wants you to feel good and he wants to learn- which means there will be some mishaps and failed moments, but he loves those moments just the same.

H = Hair (Are they well-groomed?)

he is well kept and clean. bucky isn't hairless, but he does make sure that everything is trimmed up and clean.

J = Jack Off (Do they masturbate?)

bucky only does when you're away or he's gone for a mission. when you're home, he has no problem telling you he's in the mood. when he does masturbate, it is to your pictures/videos you've sent or through facetime/phone calls. he doesn't watch porn unless that is the only option or he is looking for new things to try with you.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

oh boy does he have loads of kinks! bucky loves praise (receiving or giving)! during the more passionate and rough sessions, he is into degrading (but not too crazy) innocence kink. if you have met after his second sexual awakening? god, how he loves to ruin you. he loves the idea that he gets to teach you and that you're at his mercy. ice play/warming (idk what the word is) he loves when you call him sarg does this man have a filthy sarcastic mouth. dirty remarks of comments that leave his mouth- god, it's enough to you off in seconds.

L = Location (Favorite place to do it)

he is a traditional man at heart, so he loves the bedroom. bucky gets to be as loud as chooses and go as long as he wants without the fear of someone walking in or interrupting.

M = Motivation (What turns them on or gets them going?)

leggings. jeans. short shorts- anything that enhances your thighs or when you shoot back firey/witty comments matching his energy. The more traditional turn on's as well, suggestive comments, touching his chest letting it fall to his belt, lingering kisses on his lips and neck. "it's like you're begging me to fuck you silly,"

N = No (Something they will not do. Turnoffs.)

nothing with bodily fluids (other than saliva or cum) & i don't think he'd be fond of being too open in public- he's a private guy, but he doesn't mind the simple pda and light touches.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skills, etc.)

okay let me tell you- bucky loves getting head. your lips make him cum faster than anything else. "open wide, darling" he loves the ability to do it virtually anywhere (privately of course) and the quick clean up-but he mostly loves watching you take his length completely, hitting the back of your throat. "fuck, such a good girl taking all of me," hearing you moan into him and gag makes him go FERAL. bucky isn't a head pusher, but he does grip your hair.

bucky does love going down on you too. his cock throbs at the sight of your legs shaking and squirming. the sounds you make encourage him more, but he doesn't stop when you cum- he licks up every last drop of you. "im not stopping, so i'd stop moving if i were you," he'll occasionally pop his head up to make sure that he's doing everything right and you're enjoying yourself- the last thing he wants is for you to fake it (which only happened when he first re-entered the dating world)

P = Pace (Are they fast or rough? Or slow and sensual?)

there is a time and place for everything. bucky loves sensual sex because he feels the most connected to you and he has been without physical/emotional connection for so long that it's become a must. it is also where he feels the most control and the best, when he can be 100% vulnerable- something never thought he could do.

fast and rough is for those needy moments where he can't get his hands off of you- complete feral mode. when you've been teasing him relentlessly and he needs to remind you who's in charge. those nights are when the kinkiest of kinks come to play.

Q = Quickies (Their opinions on quickies rather than regular sex)

quickies are reserved for dinner parties, group outings, etc. where you look too good and he can't keep his hands off of you. "i wanna see if you taste as good as you look". quickies usually consist of fast rough sex that leaves bruises or marks. they also mainly consist of giving/receiving head.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

oh does he! he has almost ninety years of sex trends/toys/etc to catch up on. it will be the middle of the night and you'd be fast asleep only to be woken up by him shaking your arm and going "baby, we have to try this!"

bucky isn't a risk-taker in the sense of public and potentially getting caught, he is a risk-taker in the sense that he is willing to try anything once.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go? How long do they last?)

bub is a super-soldier. his stamina outlasts yours by HOURS. you'd be panting and lying sideways and bucky would be ready for the next round and you'd have to tap out. he would chuckle and hold you, teasing you about how you can't last. "can't handle this cock? i thought you said you could go all night?"

T = Toys (Do they own or use toys on themselves or partners?)

bucky has a whole drawer dedicated to the greatest quality toys. "only the best for you, dollface." he loves seeing how far he can push you with the vibrators. tying the vibrator to your clit and watching you be sent over the moon. bucky wouldn't be too crazy about using toys on himself, but he isn't opposed to being handcuffed (or pegged)

U = Unfair (How much do they like to tease?)

BIGGEST TEASE in the galaxy. Touching you, grazing your heat, kissing your neck, rubbing the inside of your thigh, (stuffing a vibrator inside you while you're on the phone), or whispering dirty things in your ear- but God forbid if you tease him back. there will be hell to pay if you try teasing him back. "you better rethink your next move, darling," "i think you forgot who's allowed to tease who."

V = Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make?)

bucky is pretty quiet, with the exceptions of grunts and whimpers. His mouth is filthy and he dirty talks like there is no tomorrow! he is also a cocky little shit and sarcastic- which doesn't stop in the bedroom. "your cunt feel so good around me," "open your eyes, i want you to watch as i ruin you" "look at you, you're soaked for me"

W = Wildcard (Random headcanon for your character)

cockwarming. babe lives for cockwarming. early morning lazy sex, but too lazy to pull out of you. you'd be laying on your side with your leg over his, with his cock buried inside of you. "no, honey, just stay" he would mumble with his head resting in the cook of your neck, placing small kisses on your neck, but falling back asleep.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

baby, that serum did wonders. bucky is packing that seven to eighter. his cock would poke through your tummy and he won't stop talking about it for weeks.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

HIGH. VERY HIGH. he is ready whenever and wherever the time calls.

Z = ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep afterward?)

bucky's stamina is so high that he probably is starving. he would perform aftercare for you, but once you'd have cared for- he is standing naked in the kitchen making a sandwich.