#I do want to start driving (because i'd be able to go wherever i want!!) but it's scary :[
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
lee-blogs · 1 year ago
Text
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
(Nothing bad happening but i'm nervous!!!)
(explination in the tags)
6 notes · View notes
Note
Hey Derin, can I ask you a question or two about publishing? (If no, close your eyes for the next bit and click near where you remember the delete button was.)
I'm writing something with the dream of publishing it one day and I'm considering all avenues at this stage. What led you to publishing serially online? What are the pros of your experience doing that?
Asking you because I was looking over your site earlier today and thinking about how comfortable a place the internet feels - less of a big step than traditional publishing, or even putting out a whole story at once for self-publishing.
I've never pursued trad publishing and have no plans to ever do so, it was immediately obvious that it wasn't for me, so I can't give you like, comparisons. I only even got into indie publishing because my readers were demanding ebooks and paperbacks so I just shrugged and got them made. Sometimes I get asked trad vs. indie publishing questions that I do not have the experience to answer.
This question, though, I can answer. I didn't sit down and go "how should I publish these? Online, or through a trad publisher, or what?" I approached web serial writing directly as a career without considering publishing my writing as books at all; that was never on the radar until the readers wanted them. And the reason I started writing a web serial was simple -- it was a hobby that suited my lifestyle.
I'd written serial fiction before; fanfiction, some r/hfy stuff, just whatever I felt like, and I had a serious problem experienced by many casual writers -- I tended not to finish stuff. The stuff that had never made it to the web was even worse; I had so many novels in progress on my hard drive that I'd gotten to the end of the first act of, before moving onto a new idea. I needed something to do with my time (I'd moved back to my hometown to spend time with my dying grandfather and was unemployed) and posting a web serial with a strict schedule and a patreon seemed like the best way to force myself to actually finish my stories. If a handful of people were giving me a couple of buck a month, I wouldn't be able to just drift off to something else; I'd have to finish the story.
And it worked. I got a new job and wrote Curse Words on my off weeks, then that job ended and my Patreon was paying my new mortgage and suddenly this was just kind of my job now. And then enough people were asking for ebooks and paperbacks that I had to figure out how to make those happen. And this is kind of my life now I guess.
In terms of pros I would say:
Low barrier to entry/small steps of progression: You can just start publishing on a website for free whenever you want. You can make your own website for free and publish on that (I did). It takes five minutes or less to learn how to do and you don't need to buy anything. Your time commitment is mostly Writing The Story, which is presumably what you want to be spending your time on anyway. If you do it for 2 months and decide you hate it? You can stop. No harm, no foul.
No boss: You're beholden to your patrons and nobody else. You can write whatever the fuck you want, wherever the fuck you want, however often you want. The only deadline is the schedule that you yourself set, and you can set it to suit your lifestyle.
Payment model: The patreon/ko-fi sponsorship model is vastly superior, in my opinion, to making money via book sales. There's too many factors involved to really say if you make more or less money on Patreon, but what it has is predictability. Patrons come and go, but slowly. I can predict my monthly income from my supporters to within a hundred dollars or so. This is a massive advantage when you have bills to pay. Book sales surge unpredictably, and while you can bank on things like advances if you go the trad publishing route, these are few and far between.
Time: There are minimal delays in web serial publishing. No waiting months or years at a time for your book to chew through the machinery of a publisher, no long delays as your agent works or contracts are negotiated. Indie publishing is faster but still has far more delays than web serial publishing; most notably, you have to write the entire book first, often with little idea of how well it's going to perform. I don't do well with waiting periods or having to coordinate timing with others, so web serial publishing works best for me.
Marketability: Web serials have a far smaller audience than books, but they're also easier to market to that audience. For one thing, they're usually free, and it's a lot easier to convince someone to try a free story instead of buying one. For another, their one-chapter-at-a-time nature feels like less of a commitment and less intimidating to some people, even though they are traditionally much longer than books tend to be. Also, their chapter-by-chapter nature allows speculation and jokes and fanart and stuff to be spread while the story is still going, which is great marketing, especially when readers end up talking about it far longer than they would talk about a book (because they're reading it chapter-by-chapter for far longer).
But the biggest advantage in marketability is what I call 'rolling weight enthusiasm'.
When you're pushing a cart or something, it takes a lot of effort to get started, but once you're cruising at a consistent speed, you can rely on momentum to do half the work for you. You can build more and more speed with the same effort, because a rolling weight is maintaining that momentum. Writing a web serial is a lot like that; the consistent release schedule means that if you can get people invested, it's much easier to keep them invested, because they're waiting a very short period of time (a few days to a week, depending on your release schedule) to get more of the story. If you're releasing books, there might be more than a year between releases; you can keep a dedicated audience interested for that long, but it's much harder to hold onto the casual readers. There are so, so many book series that I've only read half of because at some point a new book was released and I didn't notice. If you write and publish books, you have to do a big part of the marketing all over again to let people know that the next one is out. Web serials don't have this problem. When's the next chapter out? soon enough that the previous chapter is still fresh in your mind. soon enough that you probably don't have time to finish the fanart this one made you think of.
Immediate feedback: Another great thing about web serials is that you can watch the audience reaction in real time. Not only that but, unlike with a book that people read all at once, you get very detailed feedback specific to each chapter. I don't mean people telling you about the story; reader suggestions and 'constructive criticism' is almost universally useless and can generally be thrown out. If you trust somebody's writing and editing skills enough to take feedback from them, you should ask that person directly; random readers are unlikely to be experts and unlikely to have accurate advice.
Instead, watch them discuss it amongst themselves. What did they get right away, and what are they confused about? what did they react most strongly to; is the dominant emotional reaction to the various characters vaguely in line with what you intended? Check the theories; how well are they predicting future events? (If everyone is guessing the Big Twist, then you need to put more effort into selling it so that it's not a let down; the less surprising a twist is, the better the writing has to be to pull it off. But if nobody is guessing the Big Twist, then you have insufficiently foreshadowed it. You're looking for a very high population of readers being accurate about the information they're expected to have gleaned, and a small population being accurate about twists and stuff, and you want that small population to grow as they get closer to the twist.) Checking these reactions can give you a better idea of what you need to emphasise, clarify, or foreshadow in the text.
162 notes · View notes
ghoulfuckersincorporated · 8 months ago
Text
Prewar!Cooper told Barb that one of his favorite things about her was the fact that she always tries to do the right thing. The Ghoul is entertained by Lucy's "goody two-shoes" thing, at first, but is clearly very deeply impacted by the kindness that she shows him outside the Super Duper Mart.
Cooper Howard obviously likes good girls...corruption kink, anyone?
Prewar!Cooper would be sweet about it, even gentlemanly. He'd be respectful, slowly warming you up to all these ideas that you've never even heard of before. Of course, you trust him implicitly, and you're happy to go where he guides you. He would get a sense of the things you're into, what your boundaries are, but once he knew you well enough, he might start to nudge you in certain directions.
Taking you for a drive, his hand on your thigh slowly slipping higher until he's rubbing you through your underwear as you go along, working you up to an orgasm at a red light in full public view, completely aware that everyone can tell what's happening. Going for a long walk in a nice park and pulling you into the bushes for "a few smooches" that turn into you deep-throating his cock until you almost pass out. Pushing you into poorly soundproofed closets at fancy parties to turn you into a squealing mess on the end of his cock, too loud for others to not hear. It's all so addictive and you're powerless to stop yourself from giving into him wherever and whenever, slowly turning you into a little exhibitionist because he thinks it's hot.
"Oh, I know how much you like this, sweetheart...what if I tried this? Does that feel good? Sure seems like it does. You don't have to be embarrassed. I'll take care of you. You trust me, right, baby doll?"
The Ghoul would be...meaner. He's more the "don't ask for permission; beg for forgiveness" type, but without the begging part. He'd just go for things, watching in almost sadistic glee as your face would morph from shock to disgust to ashamed arousal. You would be able to sense something different in the air, but you never see his dirty tricks coming. Does this stop you from continuing to sleep with him as you trek the West together? Of course not. As much as you might hate him a little (or a lot) for it, he knows exactly what makes you tremble and beg for more, even as your face reddens and you struggle to look at him.
Sliding his tongue back to tease your asshole when he's eating you out like a man starved, laughing wickedly and holding your hands away when you try to stop him because 'That's so gross!', but soon your protests turn to wanton moans. Hell, sliding his thumb into your ass as he fucks you from behind, using the leverage to bounce you harder on his hips, the sensation amazing despite how humiliating it feels. The next time he fucks you that way, you whimper out a little plea for him to do it again. Making you beg him to spit in your mouth as you near your orgasm until he no longer has to prompt you, you simply open your mouth. He gets off on getting you to request (or even beg for) disgusting treatment.
"Oh, did you not like that? With the way this greedy little cunt is reacting, I'd say you liked it. I mean...if you didn't, I suppose I can quit. Hmm? You want me to keep doing it? What a nasty little freak, gettin' off on this. Maybe if you ask pretty, darlin'..."
394 notes · View notes
20dollarlolita · 1 year ago
Note
silly question but I wouldn't know who else to ask: Does having too much lace and poofiness ever interact badly with your wheelchair? I know most chairs have a shield between the wheel and the seat but it seems like the overflow could get damaged or stuck and this is something I'd like to consider before I start buying things
Oh, it's absolutely a thing I have to deal with. Most of the time, I'll drape my skirt over my side guards for the sake of taking a picture, and then tuck it back in before I go somewhere.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
So pictures like this, I'm definitely going to protect the dress again before we move anywhere.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
This specific wheelchair has low profile side guards, because I get my wheelchairs off ebay and that's what the person I got it from had. If I ever order a new chair for me, I'd probably want to get taller guards with a fender on the top. With the kind of clothes that I wear, I'd be willing to pay some extra to get some additional protection. (That said, I'm hopefully not going to ever buy myself a brand new chair since this one's great, already been around for over a decade, and works just fine for me. One of my favorite things about lolita fashion is how much we respect and reuse older things, and that's something that is also part of my life in other ways. We still have hopes of me being able to recover and get back into walking again so I don't want to spend a ton of money on something when I have a thing that's working fine.)
Tumblr media
Most arm rests do have some form of protection between the wheel and the clothing, so those are an option as well. I've found that I personally don't like having arm rests, but you can have both clothing protection and arm rests.
Tumblr media
The normal way that I tend to have my stuff tucked is to push as much as I want under my legs, and then to shove the extra fullness behind my back. This lets the skirt still look good but also stay out of the way.
Also you can see how I extended my side guards with some fabric-covered timtex that velcros into the chair. Those are actually the exact same guards as I have on the new machine, but you can see how they look a lot shorter. This is because the wheels on this chair are at a different height relative to the frame, versus my current chair. There are things that I could have done to adjust the side guards, like moving them forward. However, by the time that I replaced that wheelchair, the frame was just too narrow for me, so I could move those side guards wherever I wanted and would still be touching the wheels.
So yeah, there's definitely concerns about wearing very voluminous skirts and using a wheelchair at the same time. I try to keep my chair width pretty tight, because I pretty much exclusively self-propel and I like the access to the wheels. I know that a lot of guides for buying wheelchairs say to get a few extra inches of width beyond your physical body measurement, and that would probably make things easier in terms of clothes. I think that the two-post flip-back arm rests on the first chair I used (which is this one and it's pretty good in my experiance) actually protected my clothes a bit better than my current side guards. However, all of the things that made it better for lolita fashion made me like it best as a main means for propelling myself around the world. Extra space and arm rests are really good when other people push you, so that's a thing to consider. At the end of the day, I just got a chair that let me be as independent as I could, and then figured out how to do the lolita part in post.
Little rant time: One of the things that drives me crazy is when people who aren't disable the way I'm disabled try to make lolita rules for people who are disabled like I'm disabled. Usually it's people who do mean well, making statements like, "I think that EGL coords only look good with heeled shoes," and then add things like, "Unless you're disabled and can't wear heels." The person who's saying that thinks that they're being more accepting of disability in the fashion, but what they're actually doing is making a separate set of rules for the disabled to follow. However, people who are disabled are actually pretty aware of what our limitations and abilities are, and we're usually pretty used to problem solving when it comes to these things. I can use a combination of knowing where and what I'm doing and how I'm feeling on any given day to pick footwear that is both safe and appropriate for my given setting. I don't really need a stranger on Rufflechat to try to make separate rules for me without knowing that. Quick tip to people wanting to be accepting of disability in lolita: find disabled lolitas and listen to them. <NOTE: that heels comment is an example opinion and is not at all commonly accepted lolita opinions>
47 notes · View notes
lemmilemura · 11 months ago
Text
LoveSucks part 3!!!!!! ARE YOU READY??????? I SAID ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Based on the show All kept gender-neutral, 'girly' used once or twice
I hadn't gone to school for a few days, but we also had a week off, so I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't really talk to Janae, Maeve or Simon either, eventhough I knew that was stupid and I really wanted to talk, but I knew I'd just break down the second I say a word.
I never told my parents. Why would I? They wouldn't even really care anyway. Whenever anyone would come to my place, I'd just ignore the doorbell and pretend I was sleeping, even if I was right behind the door, passing by. I knew it wasn't good for me, but at this point I had gotten used to it. Better this than suffering through awkward silences woth Simon.
The only place I went that wasn't home was the beach. I loved it. Just sitting in the sand, nobody else around me, middle of the night. The only sound was the waves, and they calmed me down. I know it sounds stupid, that's why I don't tell anyone. I was truly and wholly miserable. But my friends didn't know. So it couldn't hurt them.
Every night I was at the beach. Not too far away from my car, but still close to the water. Every now and then if a wave was closer, it'd lightly touch my feet. I let my mind to go wherever it wished, but of course it was mostly Janae, Maeve, and of course Simon. Fucking Simon. He never left my mind, even when I was doing things that had absolutely nothing to do with him. He even appeared in my dreams most nights. I hated it. Well, only somewhat. I missed the three of them immensly, so seeing them in my dreams was the most I could at all.
The rushing of the waves hid the sound of another car approaching, I only heard it when it got close. I turned and saw a few boys from school. I tried to just ignore them, but then they noticed me and started coming closer. I immediately stood up and speed-walked to my car. "Where ya goin pretty lady?" One of the called. I walked faster. "Yeah, why don't cha hang out with us?" Another asked.
Just a bit more, c'mon. Because of the sand I wasn't able to walk as fast as I wanted to, but somehow they seemed to be perfectly fine. "We promise we're nice! C'mon, girly!" They tried again. I looked back to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything, then tried to get my keys out of my pocket. But, as always when you're stressed and need to find something quick, it disappears completely and falls every five seconds.
I managed to find the keys pretty quickly, opened the door and got in, but as I was about to close it, one of the guys put his body inbetween me and the door, forcefully keeping it open. "Heyyy, where do you think you're going?" Another then stepped next to him. "Wait a minute, you hang out with Kelleher, right?" "Yeeeeah, now that 'cha say it. What're you doin' all alone here? Finally realized that he's a total freak?" "I'm sure we're much better company that him. So whaddaya say you get out your car and come join us?"
I didn't say anything, saying anything in my, or even worse Simon's defence, would just make this whole ordeal even worse. I turned away and instead worked on getting my car started up. Hopefully if I just drive I can get far enough away and then close the door. I got my key in and the engine started revving to life.
"Hey now..." one guy reached inside to grab my steeringwheel, but just as I turned to face him he got punched in the face. It shook all of us, because it was dark I couldn't really see who punched him, but I was pretty sure it wasn't one of the guys who were trying to get to me. Finally, my car started up, but I couldn't move.
"What the fuck!?" The guy's nose was bleeding from the punch. His friends helped him up then got ready to fight this random dude who was currently my hero. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" One of them asked. "Apparently a total freak" he finally spoke, and I recognized his voice. "Simon what the fuck are you doing?" I whisper yelled, grabbing his arm. "Fucking Kelleher. I'll fucking kill you" the guy he punched started swinging.
I quickly stalled the engine again and pulled out my key, I didn't want any of them driving away in my car, before getting out and doing my best to get to Simon to save him from almost certain death. They sadly already got a couple hits in, but I managed to pull him away and get him in my car. The guys started screaming again, but my brain sort of tuned them out. This time my car was nicer and got started sooner, I backed out of my parking space and drove away, them still screaming after us.
I had never driven that fast in my entire life, I didn't even really care if I'd get a ticket, at this point all I cared about was getting home. As if he'd gotten stabbed or was close to death, while all he had was just a few scrapes. I pulled into my driveway and made the garage door open, then got Simon out. We didn't say anything as I sat him down on the couch in my garage and went to go get our first-aid kit. He just sat there, disheveled, looking around the room. Even when I returned and started assessing the damage we didn't talk.
"You're a fucking idiot." I said. "You were the one at the beach in the middle of the night. Alone." He responded. "Why were you even there? You stalking me or something?" I had to force myself to focus on anything besides the weird feeling in my stomach. "I went to yours but your parents told me you were with Janae. So I called her, and she told me you weren't. I just went to the first place that came to mind."
And then he looked up at me.
Tumblr media
How was I supposed to concentrate and get over him if he was looking up at me like a lost, abandoned puppy? Plus our faces were really close, only a few inches apart, so that wasn't helping. I immediately felt a blush coming on, so I turned back to the first aid kit and pretended to be looking for something.
"Should I not have?" He asked. "No, you're fine." I responded. I took a breath and then turned back to face him. "Thank you. Thank you for saving me Simon." I smiled at him. "Heh. Getting beat up was definitely worth it. Don't know what I would have done if they'd done something to you."
The atmosphere finally got too tense, and I decided to just suck it up and started talking. "I'm... sorry for what happened. I just kinda... burst. Just wasn't thinking right I guess." I explained, plopping down next to him. "Well, I still like you." He said, looking to me. "Do you still like me?" He asked, once again giving me a giant puppy face. That fucking face.
"How can I not when you look like a kicked puppy?" I joked, which made him chuckle too. "Seriously though. Did I fuck up?" He asked. "Of course you didn't. I was just... too overwhelmed with shit and overreacted. You're fine, really." I explained. If I could, I would go back in time and not say those things, a lot would be solved and he also wouldn't have gotten beaten up.
"That's good..." We once again sat in silence. I decided to get up and put the first-aid kit away. "So uhm... what were you and Janae listening to that one time you two had a party?" "Wait how do you know about that?" He laughed. "I wanted to come by but saw you two were 'busy'" he said with air-quotes. "So I left" Of course he had to see that. Great.
"It's, well, a playlist we made a while ago." I pulled out my phone and connected it to my speakers. Might as well. "Really? Janae listens to Katy Perry?" He asked. "Kinda? Listen, no matter how you feel about her, Hot N' Cold is amazing." I decided to put it on shuffle, but of course the first song to play was HONEY.
"Okay so we're still friends, but... what about more? Last time we both kinda... blurted it out didn't we?" He said. Shit. That's right. In our overwhelmed-ness we both sort of confessed to eachother. That did happen. "That we did do." I sat back down, this time facing him. "So? What are we? Because I still want to be with you." "I honestly feel like I don't deserve you given how I acted last time."
"Why do you think that?" He asked. "Oh c'mon! I literally flew off the handle at you! I barely let you speak..." I just wanted to disappear that moment, to not have this conversation, but I also knew it needed to happen. "Nonsense! I totally get where you were coming from. But you also can't only blame me for showing up here, it was Janae and Maeve who convinced me."
"They knew??" I could not believe it. My best friend, to whom I had been lamenting my unrequited feelings to knew all that time he felt the same? How could she. The betrayal. "Did you never notice I didn't have any of your notes? I didn't go to school either that day, I just came because I wanted to see you. They convinced me to do it." Janae was definitely getting a phone call later.
"Never thought you would skip school." I joked. "I wasn't skipping. I felt like shit. Not that it mattered, I changed my attendance so it's fine. Changed yours too by the way." "You know you didn't have to do that." I said. "There's a lot of things I don't have to do but still do because, and get this," he leaned closer "I want to" he whispered.
For a moment we stayed like that, faces so close, just looking at eachother. "Just like this." He said, then grabbed my face and kissed me. It happened so fast I couldn't even blink. He just grabbed me, pulled me in, and let me go just as fast. I just stared, obviously flushed, in disbelief. "I still love you." He said. "Do you still love me?" Just as fast, I threw all cautioun out the window and kissed him again, this time actually participaring.
To think that the moment I had waited for so long was finally there was surreal, the feeling completely foreign, but oh so welcome. "I'll take that as a yes" he managed to say between kisses, then pushed me so I was laying down on the couch.
Janae would get that call tomorrow.
17 notes · View notes
autistic-duck · 6 months ago
Text
Yesterday I had another realization about why my brain is constantly stressed out, and I think it has to do with how I process change.
I've been trying to find articles or studies online that explain what is going on in the brain when an autistic person processes change, but so far I haven't seen anything. It's basically just:
Google: Autistic people often struggle with change.
Me, to Google: Yes, I know that. I want to know why it's such a big struggle.
Google: Change can cause a lot of anxiety in autistic people. Here is an article on how to handle change better.
Me: That's literally. Not what I asked.
What does it feel like when most people process change? Because, for me, it's pretty awful, and I'd like descriptions of what it's like for other people, especially those who really struggle with it.
For me, it's like my mind starts functioning at 20%. Everything (literally) becomes cloudy in my vision, and I lose the ability to make logical decisions. I'm completely overwhelmed by intense confusion that never stops. I described it to my family as having a constant "HUH?" stuck in my head. It's like my brain becomes a literal question mark, and I take much longer to react to new stimuli. (If someone were to randomly scream right next to me, I'd jump at the sound like 5 seconds too late, and people wouldn't even be able to tell if the scream is what made me jump.)
Here are a couple of examples of changes that throw me off and send me into what I call a "shock state":
switching doctors
moving to a new location
entering a new building
starting a new job
changing something up in my routine (using different art supplies, taking a different route when driving, using a different cooking method, etc.)
traveling literally anywhere
I am a level one/high-functioning autistic person, and for nearly every one of these things, I've had help. However, that feeling of confusion doesn't go away until I've had several hours (at minimum) to adjust. Sometimes it takes me weeks or months to really "find myself" again, and when I transitioned into being a college student, I didn't find my footing until about two years into it.
Even then, I have my family to help out when I find myself in that state of confusion. I can't even imagine how awful it could become if they weren't always there wherever I went because I might do or say something that puts me in danger, completely on accident. I'm so sorry for anyone reading this who has been put in that kind of situation, and I hope you're safe now with the support you need.
Is this a normal thing that everyone else experiences? I've heard people describe the feeling of "culture shock" when they move somewhere far away, and it sounds similar, but this kind of thing happens pretty much everywhere I go.
Has anyone else been able to find anything on this topic? It's not just a sensory processing thing (although that's a huge part of it).
I know most people don't like change, but I've always felt that I processed it in a fundamentally different way than most people.
5 notes · View notes
indigo-a-creeping · 6 months ago
Text
Finished my character sheets and bits of setting stuff for this year's Nanowrimo, but I'm holding off on practice writing prompts until October so I don't burn out on it before November. It'll be good, though.
I'd like to turn last year's project into a podcast, but I haven't done much on that front. I'd need to reformat it and practice voices and think more about music and sounds.
I'd like to self-publish lots of other old writing of mine for Kindle because it's free and easy, but I'd need to edit and reformat a bit.
I want to learn how to use my sewing machine. It's sitting there waiting.
I also want to teach myself embroidery. My MC of this year's writing project uses embroidery as magic, so that is something I want to start before November as well.
I have a ton of other craft projects sitting around.
I've thought about painting murals on my house since I bought it, and never got to it. Just turning the whole thing into a stained glass look would be cool. I can get all the free paint I want at the hazardous waste disposal site in town.
I'm writing my third D20 fanfic, and I have another few ideas written down for when I'm done with that. I want to rewatch some of the seasons.
In non-creative news I recently drove halfway across the country for a single day that included a few hours at camp, which was 1000% worth it despite the terrible drive back home. It was loads of fun, and I hope the staff didn't mind that I kind of inserted myself into every bit of the campfire (the kids certainly didn't mind). Personally, I always thought it was unfortunate that the alumni weren't more involved in what was going on when they came. I'll gladly do it again next year. I am in love with that place in a way I'm not sure I could ever love a person.
I've been able to get back into work smoothly after my long absence. I like it there, and they love me, and I got a raise that will go into effect at the end of the month. It's a great place, though still not really... personally fulfilling. But it's good for a while.
I applied for a history teaching job just before going back to work. The interview went well, though they ultimately went with someone who had more of a history background, which is fair. I would have liked it, but I'm not heartbroken. This wasn't really the right time for me, but I'll keep looking.
I'm still planning to sell my house and move when Peri's gone (probably no more than 4 years). Not sure where I'll move. I've been looking at Michigan (or New England or Oregon or New Mexico or etc.). ...Or Canada, or some other country. Again, I fall in love with places. I'd like to be closer to people I care about too, though it's hard as they have been moving around too. And I feel like I haven't been able to make or hold onto any close connections very well. I'd also like to not be too far from camp, even if I just go back once a year. Wherever I go, I need to get out of red states. Thankfully I have time to think about that.
3 notes · View notes
tiredassmage · 7 months ago
Note
6 Do you have your Rook(s) planned out to any degree? If so, would you share some details or ideas you have?
I do have this one! How much of an apology I will owe Tyr for dragging him into new universes since he's become my blorbo obsession is going to depend wildly on the ongoing plot of Veilguard, lol, but I've only, like, half-threatened him with a jaunt into the Dragon Age before, ironically first about a year ago was my first stab at putting him in Inquisition, but now with Veilguard on the table, I think... that's way more the right style to introduce him to Dragon Age and I'm... a little obsessed with the ability to see him in that style, ngl.
So that means Tyr's probably gonna be my first playthrough and that'll be a melee focused rogue, probably... with a background with the Antivan Crows (gotta pay homage to that operative/spy background, after all). And since the Inquisitor's making an appearance, it'll kinda be a cute little treat for me. My canon Inquisitor is... synthesized, we'll say, from the first oc I had that I've toted almost everywhere since, so to be able to have him on-screen with my latest blorboly beloved will be pretty sweet, I think. Astor as that original oc and Hallaren as my Inquisitor are cut of the same cloth and there's still a lot of similarities between them, but I think there's some distinct things about Hallaren that'd incline me to classify them as two different ocs, in the end.
Tyr in general I think is a good one to put in Rook's shoes because he's... a balance of ideals and pragmatism and a driving force of a core that pushes him to act wherever and in whichever ways he feels he's able, so I think he'll take to the role well.
I do also feel like I'm... gonna have to do a mage run at some point; mage is usually the playstyle in these games that I've enjoyed the most and it's what Hallaren is (I believe with... Knight-Enchanter as his specialization, iirc). Don't have any solid plans for this one yet because we're still really early as far as information goes, but I am intrigued at the tease from I think it was the Q&A's that Rook will have a reason to have a particular aversion to blood magic, so I'll have to see what that's all about and see if I can wrap it up more specifically in any kind of character concept. And I'm getting the feeling that this is a game I'll want several playthroughs of anyway, so! Very eager to see what else might cook up in the brain stew as we learn some more and I actually get my hands around the game!
I'll say the one class I probably won't touch is any of the warrior things, lol. I'm... kinda bad at playing them in Dragon Age games so far. xD My one Inquisitor with a warrior build I ended up focusing into more combat abilities and taking Bull or Blackwall with him to handle more of the battlefield commanding. I'm here to hit buttons and have a good time, lol!
(bonus tax of last year's inquisition!tyr and. I need to stop seeing that post about starting Inquisition and maybe surviving the Hinterlands by the time Veilguard comes out because it's feeling too true for Hallaren's replay xD)
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
In another life, I'd been half-ready to justify Tyr as one of the scouts and spies of the Inquisition to begin with, so! Veilguard is solving some of my blorbo urges that way xD
2 notes · View notes
maryellencarter · 2 years ago
Text
am building WOBSITE
the visible parts are almost all placeholder text right now, so I'm not linking it, but I'm having a ton of fun.
i looked at wordpress, but it wants everything to be boxes you drag and drop, which does not sound conducive to fiddling with it on my phone between customers. also you have to pay for an "ad-free experience" and i wasn't clear if i was being advertised *to* or having ads put *on* my site, but neither of those sounded fun. also as far as i can tell it's still fundamentally a blog (probably?) and if i wanted a blog i understood the construction of i'd just make another dreamwidth
then i went and looked at neocities, which is a name i have heard Around. apparently they were created originally for people to import their geocities sites onto, when geocities was in the process of going kablooie, and their goal is to provide a way for people to build that kind of real simple website with html and css mostly.
and it turns out they are EXACTLY what i was looking for!
(1) not a blog. they give you an index.html homepage and you can do whatever from there. completely flexible.
(2) they promise never to put ads on your site.
(3) very not gatekeepery. when you create a new html page for your website, they helpfully format it for you with all the machine-readable header shit so that it will display like a website rather than raw code, and connect it to a basic css stylesheet so you can use things like headers, and even include some basic code like "This is a paragraph! Here's how you make a link! Here's how you add emphasis and strong tags! Here's how you insert a picture! (placeholder picture of their logo)" They seem quite enthusiastic about wanting everybody to have fun making little wobsites. They have a bunch of tutorials too, which I haven't really dug into because most of what I actually need to brush up on is specific googleable questions like "how do I put an internal anchor link to a footnote again"
(4) In-browser HTML editor. This is the one that really sold me on it. I was using Gdocs for the convenience factor of being able to make quick gameplay notes at work. Now I can make notes the same way, but organized and cross-referenced and *flappy hands*
(5) You get a gigabyte of storage for free, and a certain amount of bandwidth. If you subscribe at $5 a month as a "supporter" (their only paid tier), you get 50 GB of storage, custom domain name options instead of being only at [name].neocities.org, the ability to create multiple websites with one login, and some other stuff too.
(6) I have currently used about 75 KB of my gigabyte. That's so little that it's still showing as 0.0% usage. It's also, slightly horrifyingly, roughly 15,000 "words" at the typing-speed standard count of 5 characters per word. I know I booted up my laptop after work and did a bunch of template building, so I can make all my listings and stuff consistent, but... that's almost three hours of straight typing at the speeds I use at work. I didn't think I'd been doing *that* much hunt-and-peck coding on my phone. Weekends are so busy too.
(7) Oh, they have a handy button for "Download your entire website" on your dev page too. And another one for "Mount your website as a drive on your computer", which I have no idea what I'd do that for, but that's the kind of open source mindset I like to see. The kind where they provide (usable, helpfully documented) tools to create shit, and then make it easy to take your shit wherever you want.
(8) I strongly doubt I'm going to use up this gigabyte anytime soon, especially if I stick to just HTML and don't start hosting pictures of all the item drops like a wiki, but I might subscribe anyway if I haven't burned out on this project in like a week, because it really is providing me *exactly* what I was picturing for the platform to build this wobsite on, and I had no idea that existed, so I would like it to continue to exist.
(9) I like their terms and conditions too. Anti-censorship, a statement that by using the service you agree that you might run across any type of the crap people put on the interwebs (including sexually explicit material, specifically called out) and the site isn't responsible for censoring any of it that isn't illegal. Standard provisions for determining what content is legal according to the laws of the state of Oregon specifically [which is considered a very permissive place for the US and is probably pretty unlikely to outlaw queer content in the near future], strict provisions against knowingly collecting any personal information from anyone under 18, and a *lot* of strict provisions against using the service to spam, hack, DDOS, or otherwise commit cybercrimes. I approve of these priorities.
(Also, my HTML is still at least as fluent as my Latin, which pleases me.)
4 notes · View notes
themathomhouse · 1 year ago
Text
tw suicidal thoughts
There's a line in The Muppets Christmas Carol that's been haunting me since my boyfriend left me last month. No, not the song about love being gone - that's more like a flood of tears - when the Ghost of Christmas Present sings, "it's true, wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas".
Christmas has been complicated for me for many reasons for a long time. I'm Jewish but my family isn't religious, and we always did Christmas. My relationship with my mother in particular can be difficult, and she's very critical of me. Christmas hadn't been especially enjoyable for me for a long time, and every relationship I'd had they never wanted to spend time with me around then.
But this year, I was going to spend several days with my boyfriend and his polycule. My metamour is also Jewish so I'd hoped we could do Chanukah together too, but even if not, we had activities planned and the whole thing was going to represent me finally being with people who felt like family.
Then he left me out of nowhere last month. After spending most of the week telling me he loved me, he then said actually he fell out of love with me months before. He said he didn't know who he was anymore.
He walked out of my life at a time when my mental health was at its worst, and he took whatever happiness I had left with him. When I don't feel completely empty, all I feel is the love I still have for him and the family and the abject despair of knowing that's gone forever. The only person who feels any of that is me.
I really didn't want to do Christmas this year. It just represented everything I'd lost. But, Christmas Eve, I was persuaded to go to my parents' house for Christmas dinner. I'd put in with my sister to get theatre tickets, but I wanted to bring something for my parents to open so I dragged myself shopping.
Huge mistake. I was surrounded by people all excited and planning the next day, people talking happily and decorations everywhere. I kept seeing things I could have got for the poly family, kept being reminded of the activities we'd planned. The things they were probably doing right that moment without me. Probably not even thinking of me. I saw so many couples and just couldn't do it anymore.
I left without getting any gifts. Security stopped me to check I was okay, with how red my eyes were and how hard I was crying; and it was humiliating.
I sobbed in the car park and could see people walking past staring at me. Eventually I decided to just drive home anyway.
And on the way home I wanted to end my life.
All I wanted - all I still want - is the life he promised me. The adventures we were going to take together, experiences we were going to have, me maybe moving in. I'd incorporated him into all of my life plans, and taking him back out of even ones I'd had before was just miserable. If that's all life is going to be, I just don't want it.
The only thing that stopped me from driving off the side of the road down a drop was my cat. She still needs me. Nobody else wants or loves me, but the cat is completely attached and I think she'd struggle without me.
Today I'm realising that I don't feel in the Christmas spirit because I don't feel loved anymore. And I don't think I will again. Not like that.
I feel grief and heartache. I'm going to stay alive for the cat, but I feel like an empty shell where a person used to be. There was a light that's just burnt out forever.
Dragged myself here (giftless) for Christmas dinner. I feel atrocious. My fibromyalgia has flared horrendously and everything hurts, and with how bad my acid reflux has been I'm not sure how much of dinner I will be able to eat. But, I showed up. Might as well make the best of it.
Mum showed me a perfume she'd got. I sniffed it.
I don't often get allergic reactions to perfumes, but whatever it is that's in things that I can't tolerate must be in that one. My throat started to close up and I had to take an antihistamine and hope that would be enough.
Part of me hoped that it wouldn't.
It did kick in. I feel like I've been hit by a lorry, but I can breathe.
I really can't take anything more. There isn't going to be a final straw - a straw might be too large and heavy as a metaphor for what it will take for me to break.
0 notes
vodka-redbull-daily · 1 year ago
Text
November 18th, 2023 (Part 1)
*Graphic Sexual Content*
So when I was coming home from work, I got message by this guy asking if I wanted to meet up right then and it was already almost 1:00 in the morning.  one of his very first messages to me was “ I have coke”.  I told him I didn't really do drugs, so he offered me alcohol instead. that, I can get down with. I went to go pick him up from his friends condo so he didn't have to get an Uber. after that, we went back to his place and I was planning on spending the night. he had even suggested it since it's such a far drive for me. we got into his apartment and he made me a drink. he didn't have any red bull, so it was vodka and diet coke. he himself did the cocaine. so I guess we both kind of had Coke that night, but it was still very different.
His apartment was really nice. he's one of those super rich white people;  he owns a bunch of bars in Austin some in Houston and a few in San Antonio. he does investments in real estate shit. basically, one of those rich people who came from rich background so they can spend money wherever they want to make more money.  I mean, who else would be able to randomly afford a shit ton of coke. I really don't know that much about drugs but it did seem like a lot from what I've heard from movies and stuff. they usually measured in grams, as far as I know,  and generally speaking I think I know about how much a gram is of something. unless cocaine is almost as light as a feather, that had to be like 50 to 60 G of coke. seems like a lot to me but maybe it isn't.
 after he did a little bit of Coke, we kind of  sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen and talked for a little bit.  he had me connect my phone to his TV through Bluetooth so that I could play some music. we talked for a little bit,  but that didn't last very long. I didn't even finish my full drink before we were making out and I was feeling him up through his pants.  I wasn't even tipsy yet, but he had been drinking at his friend's house and it started doing coke once we got there, so I guess he was pretty…  I don't really know what the term for drunk and high at the same time is but I feel like there probably is a word for that.
 we went into his bedroom and for once ( an absolute miracle)  I didn't have to suck his dick.  instead, he went straight for putting it inside me. he didn't have any condoms, which is a really weird thing for somebody who's on that kind of a site to not have. I always tell people I'm not on birth control even though I am. better safe than sorry. he said that if we needed, we would just buy the morning after pill when we woke up. we didn't have sex for very long at all, probably like 5 minutes before he came. I don't know what's up with all these short-term guys recently. this is now twice in a row that I haven't cum During sex which is very strange for me. I normally cum so easily, but these guys just aren't lasting long enough to even get me worked up to that level.
 after that, he cleaned up where he had made a mess on the bed sheets and we went back out to living room. after a minute or so, he talked about how it would actually be better if I just went home for the night. I hadn't finished my whole drink, but I was starting to feel a little bit tipsy and a little bit paranoid that maybe I had accidentally breathed in some of the coke that had been left over and his mustache. still, there's no point in me staying if he didn't want me there and he had already paid me the $400 I'd ask for. so, he walked me down through the lobby past the security guard who had let us in the first place and I got my car and went home.
 my paranoia was even worse as I was driving home because there were so many cops on the road. Since at this point I was a little tipsy, and really thought that I might be a little bit High, I was extremely nervous the whole drive. I texted D---- that I was on my way home and a bunch of cops were following me. there was at least one right on my tail, but I didn't want to go any faster cuz I didn't want to give him a reason to pull me over. my registration is expired, I don't have insurance right now, my check engine lights on, and I was a little bit tipsy. even without the possibility of me having accidentally snorted some of that cocaine, it would have been really bad if he had pulled me over. there were several more cops just kind of hanging around us on the highway, going it just the right speed to where I couldn't lose them, but they won't passing me. they finally all exited the highway when I started to get out of Austin.  I guess they turned back to circle the area again. it was Friday night. they must have just been trying to fill a quota.  although, I did pass at least one more on the way home way outside of the Austin limits.
 once I was home, I was all snuggled in bed and getting ready to go to sleep when  M--- texted me again. he was talking about how he shouldn't have kicked me out, how he wanted to have sex again, how he wanted me to come back. on the one hand, I was extremely unsatisfied so I did kind of want to go back and have sex again, but there were just too many cops out and it was such a long drive. I told him that and that I probably wouldn't be coming back tonight, but maybe we could do something tomorrow. I also had just masturbated to satisfy that urge. I really don't understand why he kicked me out in the first place, but it doesn't really matter that much to me.
0 notes
paper-mario-wiki · 2 years ago
Note
How do I stop being jealous of other people
I'm going to assume you've already considered the whole "learn to be grateful with what you have in life, and understand the beauty of individuality" line of thinking, so I'll try to give you actionable advice. This is, of course, barring existential setbacks. If you are jealous of Ryan Seacrest because he looks exactly like Ryan Seacrest and you want to look exactly like Ryan Seacrest and that's as deep as your reasoning can possibly go, then unfortunately there's not much that can be done beyond going to therapy and talking about your weird obsession with Ryan Seacrest. As for everything else, here's what I can tell you;
Identify why you're jealous of them beyond them having something that you want. Understand why you you do not have it and why they do. Think about why you want what they have, and see if you can uncover some secret, other, achievable thing that you can get for yourself. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking something is unachievable because we envision it only being something we can do under the most unbelievably strenuous and impossible circumstances.
Example. I'm jealous of billionaires like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos because they have a lot of money. I also, of course, feel a lot of other emotions about people like this for reasons beyond this, obviously there's a whole ethical debate about having that much money to begin with, but the fact of the matter is that I want more money.
Okay, so why do I want that money? Well, I've been really stressed about paying bills this month. I've been searching for jobs but coming up short, and I'd like to be able to have and save money, and to be able to find mobility. Why do I want security and mobility? Well, I want to be able to move to wherever I want, like New York or Chicago or LA without it being a life changing process that I can't come back from. How can I do those things? What exactly do I need? Well, first I'd need to be a certain tax bracket, I'd need to have enough money to rent more than one home, probably. And I'd need to find a job that specifically allows me to move around, so something remote. If I can work my way up to making something like 100k a year, I can probably get pretty close to what I want. It's tough, but it's nowhere near as tough as becoming a billionaire, and I know it's something I'm capable of.
Now, the exact way I went about this process may not match you, but the crux of my method is breaking down my problem, finding out the key aspects of my desire beyond "I want a lot of money", and creating a more realistic way for me to achieve something like that. In doing so I decentralize the problem from being about one person, and turned it into a broad range of steps. If you can turn your envy of someone into a plan, then you'll quickly find your spite turning into drive. Other people having something doesn't mean that you can't have it, but it can be demoralizing to see them already achieve it while you haven't made much progress on it. Realize that you're just anxious about starting, and try to get started on it in a way that's possible for you.
This will of course only work if you legitimately take these steps to heart. Sometimes, unfortunately, the reason we want to feel jealous is because it can feel good to be angry. We can find reasons to be angry at people without being emotionally invested in them, and that's okay. I used to not let myself get angry, and that's not healthy. Anger exists for a reason, and one should allow themselves to feel it without letting it become destructive.
This is the best advice I can give. I'm not a life coach or therapist by any means, but I hope you can find something to use in this.
371 notes · View notes
equallyshaw · 2 years ago
Text
𝖉𝖊𝖏𝖆 𝖛𝖚 - 𝖒𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖜 𝖙𝖐𝖆𝖈𝖍𝖚𝖐.
Tumblr media
Inspire by miss o. rodrigos: deja vu.
Warnings: nothing, but let me know!
Word Count: 1.2k+
So when you gonna tell her
That we did that, too?
She thinks it's special
But it's all reused
That was our place, I found it first
I made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you
God, I remember is so very clearly being it got deleted. Taryn had posted a photo of you and your new girlfriend in Malibu, where we used to spend a good amount of your offseason at. It helped with me being a freelance writer, so following you after college to Calgary was not hard, as well as to wherever your offseason took you. But I remember seeing the place where we got out ice cream, each time. Never straying from tradition. Does she know? Does she know we made out in your convertable near that ice cream shop, that had a beach right underneath? Your sibilings and your parents know, we had brought them there many a times. Then I saw another photo of the coffee shop, we frequented. It was Brady that posted a short video, scanning you guys. She must feel pretty special huh? That you supposedly know where all the 'cool' spots are? Like it wasn't me who didn't scour the internet and talked to some locals about places to visit and try. I was the one matthew, not you. So I hope she isn't fooled.
Then I lurked one day, to her instagram after Taryn posted a photo of your new girlfriend and her. I looked at her most recent of you two in Malibu, and saw the caption that was a direct line from me. Verbatum. You were never good at one liner's, so I hope she doesn't seriously think you are a comedic genius or anything. That would be comical.
Do you get déjà vu when she's with you?
Do you think about me when you're there with her? Do you get flashbacks of me when you go to the beach? The same coffee shops? Restaurants? That was our home away from home, at one point and I'd be stupid to not believe you don't think about me everytime you go in one of those places. That's exactly what happens to me when I go on with my day. I moved to Malibu when we broke up, because I fell in love with the community. I enjoyed the peace, how people stick to themselves and the beauty of the land. Something we always tried to soak in before venturing up North as the season started. I see you wherever I go, but fortunatly it's getting better and better. I know longer and nervous to go about my day, and have began to forget about those times. Have you? I see you trying to replicate everything we did, I even witnessed it once.
Do you call her
Almost say my name?
'Cause let's be honest
We kinda do sound the same
Another writer
I hate to think that I was just your type
I saw you two one day before I saw Taryn post anything. You guys were walking into the coffee shop we used to frequent, as I was working on a piece for the L.A Times. I immeditely picked your voice out from the others and my head shot up, as you repeated her name. It sounded almost like mine, and I scoffed. Not only annoyed with your presence, but after a bit of eavesdropping, I found out she was an author. I could taste the vile in my mouth, as tears brimmed my eyes. Did you seriously have a type? Not only our names sound similiar, but we do the exact same thing. I rememeber clearly, not being able to think properly as I stared at my screen. Did you see me? Did you see me as I felt the gears in my head turn? You must of, it was a small place.
Then you two left, and I followed shortly. I could barely breathe as I pictured you two together. Again, scoffing before driving off. It hurt to think that I could simply be discarted and 'replaced' in a matter of months. It was March when we broke up, and I saw you in July after a brutal loss in the playoffs during the Battle of Alberta. I had never wanted Leon Draistl to win so badly, comically.
And I couldn't get over the fact that she was exactly what a hockey player should have at home, bearing your children and running the household. Also, the fact that she was a old family friend made it conveniant for your parents. Cuz, it looked good. It made sense, where you and I did not.
I'll bet that she knows Billy Joel
'Cause you played her "Uptown Girl"
You're singing it together
Now I bet you even tell her
How you love her
In between the chorus and the verse
We had 'our song' by Billy Joel, is it yours too? I can picture how you two sing it, holding her in your arms. You sing the whole song lowly, in her ears, her blushing cheeks never ceasing. And then I can picture, you whispering I love you during the middle of it. Because I can still hear perfectly in mine. As I fall asleep, I see us in our apartment in Calgary after being trapped during a christmas blizzard. We twirled, dipped and swayed during the early hours of the morning, drunk on champagne and love. It was our first christmas at our shared place, and I can still hear the tone and echo of your voice as we sung the song together. My cheeks never ceased to flush, as we did so. She must think your so cool, with your new music collection that I left because it hurt to much to take. We used to spend hours in downtown calgary paroozing thrift stores and record shops, growing my collection which in turn- is now yours.
I just don't understand how you can go on, doing everything that we used to do. Is it not weird? Do you think I don't know? I have friends in Calgary in too. Who do you think I spent a lot of my time with, when you were away?
So when you gonna tell her
That we did that, too?
She thinks it's special
But it's all reused
That was the show we talked about
Played you the song she's singing now when she's with you
Does she know? Does she know that she's doing all the things we used to do? I don't blame her, for being oblivious or naive. I blame you, in some sick and twisted way. She must think im a creep or obsessed with you and her. Since, I sometimes view her stories thinking I might get a glimpse of you. No, I just think it's quite weird to be living our life somewhat vicrioulsy through her. Hoping that that could heal your heart or twisted mind? That making similar memories with her, will finally get you to stop thinking about me? Ironically, I laugh at her stories when youre in it. Again, just getting deja vu from the restaurants and coffee shops we visited. I hope she makes you happy, because you once made me happy.
Love,
somebody who was too good 4 u.
this was BAD, i know. i just wanted to get this out :)
57 notes · View notes
digital-corruption · 3 years ago
Text
Unrecognisable Part 23
“You know, maybe we could find another way to Colville,” I suggested nervously. 
Jake was eyeing up the only cars in the diner’s parking lot. All three were old and used and obviously needed by their owners. To steal one of them felt so petty. I just couldn’t stomach doing that to them.
“You're going to let me steal a semi then?” he looked back at me annoyed. “Have you forgotten what’s at stake here?”
“I know, but if you steal one of those, you're really going to make someone’s life miserable,” I argued. 
“He made my life miserable!” Jake snapped at me. 
“Jake, I’m sorry, that’s not- I didn’t mean to-,” I struggled to find the right words. “It’s just making sure he sees out his full sentence is no excuse to mess with someone else’s life.”
He came up at me with fire in his eyes. I backed up until I hit the exterior wall of the diner and even then he got right into my face, staring holes into me.
“I got out of the hospital as soon as I could walk, but the pain, the pain wasn’t gone. It stayed with me wherever I went, whatever I did, for months. For fucking months! So what if some waitress has a bad day or week even? At least she’s able to sleep! You know who shouldn’t be able to sleep? Richard fucking Roger,” he gritted his teeth.
“How did you cope with it?” my voice shook as I tried to remain calm.
Jake pulled away slowly, “Cope isn’t a word I would use to describe that time in my life. I survived and that’s all that matters.”
“Jake...” I stroked the side of his face. “Is that why you got the tattoo?”
He turned his head away, “A friend convinced me it would help me regain control.”
“Fuck,” I bit my lip. “I wish I was there for you. I should’ve been there for you!”
“No!” he roared. “Never! Fuck, the things I did then... I had absolutely no restraint. I just did whatever the fuck I wanted to whoever I wanted. I would have- I would have done things. Regrettable things. It was better you weren’t there. Having you here now has been a reminder I must never let myself stray that far off the path again.”
I sighed, “It’s your story the board needs to hear, not mine.”
“How? As far as they’re concerned, I wasn’t there!” he refuted. “It’s not like I can walk in, point to him and say, ‘That’s the son of a bitch that nearly burned me alive!’”
“Do you have your hospital records? We show them those. For the John Doe discovered on the side of the road outside the mines with severe burns,” I argued.
“Of course I have them,” he admitted. “We still need to get to Colville though. We have just over five hours and over three hours of driving to cover and you won’t let me steal a fucking piece of shit car because it might hurt someone’s feelings. So how, pray tell, will we get there?”
“I don’t know. We start walking until we find something else?” I shrugged.
“Wow, so you're too good to steal from these people, but maybe after another hour of walking we'll find someone who does meet your criteria,” he said sarcastically.
“Or we hitch a ride with one of the truck drivers!” I offered. “No, wait, that ended badly the last time.”
“If we weren’t so focused on getting to Colville, I'd say we just sneak onto the back of one of the trailers and let fate take us to our next destination,” he shook his head.
“I suppose going back inside and asking each driver where they were going would look rather suspicious,” I thought out loud.
“No, but I have other ways of finding out who’s going where,” Jake stepped away and looked at the company names on the sides of the trailers. “Some of these are local, but some are traveling across country. I just need to find out which one is going in our direction.”
“And that will get us closer?” I questioned.
“It should cut the distance down considerably,” he nodded. “Just have to hope they have space in the back for us.”
Jake took off his backpack and crouched down to pull out his laptop. He then sat down on the concrete with his back against the wall and while his computer woke up from sleep. As soon as it loaded he was absorbed in his work so I let him be. 
Meanwhile I started pacing back and forth. I thought about the hearing and tried to figure out exactly what I was going to say to the board. Never before had I given such a statement in front of the person involved. Sure, I was asked to speak at Richy’s trial, but the judge had agreed to letting the prosecution video conference me in. I didn’t actually have to stand in front of Richy and give testimony against him, which made it a lot easier for me back then. To be honest, I hadn’t even seen him since his video confession. The others told me he had been burnt badly by the fire, but that was as much as I knew. This time I would be speaking out against him while standing in the same room. This would have a lasting effect on his life. Could I pull it off? Did I have the backbone for it?
I paused and looked at Jake working at his laptop. Alan Bloomgate, the Duskwood police chief, told me they couldn’t bring up manslaughter charges against Richy because there was no body and no way of proving that a wanted fugitive was even in the mines. They could only charge him for the kidnapping, assault, and arson. As Richy plead guilty to those charges and showed deep remorse, he managed to get away with lighter sentencing. Because he gave key eyewitness testimony against Hannah and he was able to prove that he had drunk too much that night, he managed to avoid any charges related to Jennifer’s death. Hannah, his kidnapping victim, was forced to accept the full force of the law over Jennifer’s death. It had been the worst outcome in all of this - Richy’s full sentence was the same time as Hannah’s earliest release. If we could prove Jake’s injuries were a result of Richy’s reckless behaviour then maybe we could at least guarantee that Richy sees the same time as Hannah and that would be the only solace we had in all of this. I'd only have one shot at this. If they grant him parole, that’s it, he’s free.
“There, that truck with the tarpaulin sides is running freight to the depot outside Colville, about 30 minutes away from the prison. It looks like it is only 80% full so there should be enough space for us to slip in,” Jake announced optimistically.
Jake closed his laptop and shoved it back into his backpack. Then he pulled out his pocket knife and stood up, slinging his backpack back over his shoulders. He took off in the direction of the truck in question without warning. I had to rush to catch up to him. He opened his pocket knife and cut a small hole into the tarp on the side of the truck. Quickly he put his pocket knife away, and after taking one last look around, he pushed the tarp open enough for him to climb through. Once he was in, he held the tarp open for me to climb in after him.
The trailer had several full pallets of various cartons, all plastic wrapped for transport, but there was enough space for us to sit on the floor at the back of the truck. Jake pulled his backpack off and sat down with his back against the rear of the trailer. I dropped our bag to the ground and sat down next to Jake while pulling the bag close to my side.
“Now we wait,” Jake sighed.
“He’s going to leave soon, right?” I asked nervously.
“Well, he’s scheduled to be arriving at Colville by 1 so he better?” Jake responded less confidently. “Stealing a car is still an option.”
“No, we’ll stick with this,” I nodded. Jake waited a moment, then pulled his laptop back out. “What are you doing?”
“Hurrying things along,” he explained. “There,” he turned and smiled at me.
“Do I want to know what you did?” I said apprehensively.
“Just sent a message, that’s all,” he grinned. "A harmless little message."
Jake went back to his laptop and switched windows. I rested my head on his shoulder as I watched him connect to a remote server and download several files stored on there. He opened them to check through the contents. As soon as the first one loaded, I realised they were his hospital records. First was a digital written record describing the extent of the injuries. Next was a statement from the EMTs that brought him in, detailing where he was found and who had called it in. He was about to open the next file when he paused.
"I didn't want to show you these, but if you’re going to take them to the parole board, it's best you see the photos now," he sighed. "Are you ready?"
I hugged his arm and nodded, "Show me."
God, I wish he hadn’t. If there was anything in my life I wish I could unsee, it was those photos of Jake’s burns. Thankfully the truck started up just in time for the noise of the engine to drown out my cries.
61 notes · View notes
buckyhoney-library · 4 years ago
Text
nsfw alphabet, b.b
A/N: so sorry it took so long! hope you enjoy! sebastians & nomad!steve should be out sometime this week(end)!
reblogs/likes/feedback are greatly appreciated & highly encouraged
However, do NOT repost/steal ANY of my fics on my blog!
Warnings: 18+, language, smutty thoughts, sorry for any missed typos!
chris evans nsfw alphabet
Tumblr media
A = Aftercare (What are they like after sex)
bucky takes aftercare so seriously! he makes sure that you have everything that you need and you're taken care of first. showering you in praises, holding you close, getting you water or snacks- he is at your beck and call.
B = Body Part (Their favorite body part on themselves and on their partner)
thighs. thighs. thighs. He loves laying between them with his head resting on your stomach. His fingers tracing patterns on your skin- peppering kisses on the inside. bucky's arms are hooked around them while he is giving you head, rubbing small circles on the outside.
bucky has grown to love his vibranium arm, because of how much you love it. he has changed arm usage from a weapon to a useful tool in every situation. being able to cool it and playing with temperatures, pinning you down- making sure you go nowhere- or even being able to cause it to vibrate.
C = Cum (Anything to do with cum)
he loves to paint with his cum. as much as he LOVES to cum inside you and make you hold it- there is something so pretty with his cum plastered on your back or on your tummy. "you look so pretty with my cum on your thighs," bucky is especially fond of watching it drip down your breasts or leak down your thighs. bucky just stares in awe of how it glistens against your skin.
D = Dirty Secret (What do they secretly want)
he wants you to praise him. bucky lives off of praise and when you whimper how good he's making you feel or how he's such a good boy? it throws him over the edge, encouraging him to go faster and harder. he'll never ask for them, but when you start hyping him up, fuck he enters a state of nirvana.
E = Experience (Do they know what they are doing?)
1940's bucky as we all know was very experienced but after eighty years of nothing? he needs a little help regaining his confidence, but man will he practice and have no problems asking for help. he'd be a little embarrassed of cumming early or not being able to satisfy like he used too, but bucky watches porn and experiments like no tomorrow, catching up on all the new toys/techniques/positions etc.
F = Favorite Position (Self-explanatory)
bucky's favorite position would be cowgirl or where you're laying on your side, so he could hold you. cowgirl because he gets the perfect view of your body and everything about it.
with an honorable mention of missionary- but missionary with your legs in the air spread for all can see. if he's feeling a little spicy, he'll press on your lower abdomen, adding extra pressure.
G = Goofy (Are they serious during sex or goofy
BOTH. There is a time and a place for serious, rough, passionate sex (and boy does he enjoy that), but for the most part, Bucky wants you to feel good and he wants to learn- which means there will be some mishaps and failed moments, but he loves those moments just the same.
H = Hair (Are they well-groomed?)
he is well kept and clean. bucky isn't hairless, but he does make sure that everything is trimmed up and clean.
J = Jack Off (Do they masturbate?)
bucky only does when you're away or he's gone for a mission. when you're home, he has no problem telling you he's in the mood. when he does masturbate, it is to your pictures/videos you've sent or through facetime/phone calls. he doesn't watch porn unless that is the only option or he is looking for new things to try with you.
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
oh boy does he have loads of kinks! bucky loves praise (receiving or giving)! during the more passionate and rough sessions, he is into degrading (but not too crazy) innocence kink. if you have met after his second sexual awakening? god, how he loves to ruin you. he loves the idea that he gets to teach you and that you're at his mercy. ice play/warming (idk what the word is) he loves when you call him sarg does this man have a filthy sarcastic mouth. dirty remarks of comments that leave his mouth- god, it's enough to you off in seconds.
L = Location (Favorite place to do it)
he is a traditional man at heart, so he loves the bedroom. bucky gets to be as loud as chooses and go as long as he wants without the fear of someone walking in or interrupting.
M = Motivation (What turns them on or gets them going?)
leggings. jeans. short shorts- anything that enhances your thighs or when you shoot back firey/witty comments matching his energy. The more traditional turn on's as well, suggestive comments, touching his chest letting it fall to his belt, lingering kisses on his lips and neck. "it's like you're begging me to fuck you silly,"
N = No (Something they will not do. Turnoffs.)
nothing with bodily fluids (other than saliva or cum) & i don't think he'd be fond of being too open in public- he's a private guy, but he doesn't mind the simple pda and light touches.
O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skills, etc.)
okay let me tell you- bucky loves getting head. your lips make him cum faster than anything else. "open wide, darling" he loves the ability to do it virtually anywhere (privately of course) and the quick clean up-but he mostly loves watching you take his length completely, hitting the back of your throat. "fuck, such a good girl taking all of me," hearing you moan into him and gag makes him go FERAL. bucky isn't a head pusher, but he does grip your hair.
bucky does love going down on you too. his cock throbs at the sight of your legs shaking and squirming. the sounds you make encourage him more, but he doesn't stop when you cum- he licks up every last drop of you. "im not stopping, so i'd stop moving if i were you," he'll occasionally pop his head up to make sure that he's doing everything right and you're enjoying yourself- the last thing he wants is for you to fake it (which only happened when he first re-entered the dating world)
P = Pace (Are they fast or rough? Or slow and sensual?)
there is a time and place for everything. bucky loves sensual sex because he feels the most connected to you and he has been without physical/emotional connection for so long that it's become a must. it is also where he feels the most control and the best, when he can be 100% vulnerable- something never thought he could do.
fast and rough is for those needy moments where he can't get his hands off of you- complete feral mode. when you've been teasing him relentlessly and he needs to remind you who's in charge. those nights are when the kinkiest of kinks come to play.
Q = Quickies (Their opinions on quickies rather than regular sex)
quickies are reserved for dinner parties, group outings, etc. where you look too good and he can't keep his hands off of you. "i wanna see if you taste as good as you look". quickies usually consist of fast rough sex that leaves bruises or marks. they also mainly consist of giving/receiving head.
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)
oh does he! he has almost ninety years of sex trends/toys/etc to catch up on. it will be the middle of the night and you'd be fast asleep only to be woken up by him shaking your arm and going "baby, we have to try this!"
bucky isn't a risk-taker in the sense of public and potentially getting caught, he is a risk-taker in the sense that he is willing to try anything once.
S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go? How long do they last?)
bub is a super-soldier. his stamina outlasts yours by HOURS. you'd be panting and lying sideways and bucky would be ready for the next round and you'd have to tap out. he would chuckle and hold you, teasing you about how you can't last. "can't handle this cock? i thought you said you could go all night?"
T = Toys (Do they own or use toys on themselves or partners?)
bucky has a whole drawer dedicated to the greatest quality toys. "only the best for you, dollface." he loves seeing how far he can push you with the vibrators. tying the vibrator to your clit and watching you be sent over the moon. bucky wouldn't be too crazy about using toys on himself, but he isn't opposed to being handcuffed (or pegged)
U = Unfair (How much do they like to tease?)
BIGGEST TEASE in the galaxy. Touching you, grazing your heat, kissing your neck, rubbing the inside of your thigh, (stuffing a vibrator inside you while you're on the phone), or whispering dirty things in your ear- but God forbid if you tease him back. there will be hell to pay if you try teasing him back. "you better rethink your next move, darling," "i think you forgot who's allowed to tease who."
V = Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make?)
bucky is pretty quiet, with the exceptions of grunts and whimpers. His mouth is filthy and he dirty talks like there is no tomorrow! he is also a cocky little shit and sarcastic- which doesn't stop in the bedroom. "your cunt feel so good around me," "open your eyes, i want you to watch as i ruin you" "look at you, you're soaked for me"
W = Wildcard (Random headcanon for your character)
cockwarming. babe lives for cockwarming. early morning lazy sex, but too lazy to pull out of you. you'd be laying on your side with your leg over his, with his cock buried inside of you. "no, honey, just stay" he would mumble with his head resting in the cook of your neck, placing small kisses on your neck, but falling back asleep.
X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)
baby, that serum did wonders. bucky is packing that seven to eighter. his cock would poke through your tummy and he won't stop talking about it for weeks.
Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)
HIGH. VERY HIGH. he is ready whenever and wherever the time calls.
Z = ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep afterward?)
bucky's stamina is so high that he probably is starving. he would perform aftercare for you, but once you'd have cared for- he is standing naked in the kitchen making a sandwich.
713 notes · View notes
Text
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF
CHAPTER 8: SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN HONEST
warnings: violence, gun violence, blood, death, gore
wordcount: 6263
prev chapter
A/N: i started putting the next chapter at the end for convenience also this chapter is so messy the reason for the random perfect grammar and random parts with no grammar is because i got tired lol. thats all im sorry enjoy the chapter
***
San
"I really can't believe you brought a damn gun," I groan in the back as Woo drives unnecessarily fast. "And can you slow down? You want to get pulled over with an illegal shotgun in the back?"
He out a reckless laugh. "Unwind, Sannie. You know those fuckers are gonna have all sorts of excuses. Plus, Miss A needs to know we're doing our best. You know we can't have her losing faith in us."
I sigh and fall back into my seat. "Yeah you're right."
It's a fourty minute drive to Cita county, wherever this place is. My stomach is a little scrambled because of the mess we're about to make. One would think just because I did this often, that I'd get used to the feeling of sickening adrenaline. But I just couldn't.
The thought that something will go wrong drives me up the walls at every single moment. A man I've gotten used to seeing since I started high school is about to get cut up and devoured by the very gang that made him.
Its kept me up, I know its Yunho's own fault, but then I think of how badly I want to escape this. I think of how easily it could be me. That thought is exactly why I have to keep Yaera away.
It's exactly why I can't trust her to even be around this situation today. If anyone finds out about her, it will be a mess I won't be able to clean up.
I need to reply to her message. I have a gut feeling its passive aggressive and I don't know what to do about that.
I texted her all weekend when I should have focused on my test. But I ignored it, her sobbing on Saturday replaying in my head. And now I find out her parents have basically exploited her dead sister and is doing the same to her.
It makes me sick to my stomach. Fucked up parents who leave their kids vulnerable and broken before they even face the real world. No matter how unfair, you have to live what they did to you, when they were meant to protect you.
I guess we have that in common.
I decide to muster up a reply. Something must be wrong with me.
Me: What are your plans for tonight?
She's online. Her reply is almost instantaneous.
Y: I'm going to make a lot of money ;)
I narrow my eyes at her message. I wasn't aware she'd gotten a job. What am I thinking? Where would Yaera actually get a job? She probably plans to steal something.
Me: Don't get into any trouble.
I don't know what I'm doing by sending that message. I sound like her father and I know she probably won't listen anyway.
Y: You know I can't promise that. Anyway, shouldn't you be paying attention to your cousin?
"What are you smiling at on your phone there?" Woo asks me suddenly, making me lift my head. His eyes are teasing in the rearview mirror. "Your little girlfriend?"
I roll my eyes. "Why don't you focus on the road, asshole?"
"It is her!" Woo obnoxiously cooes. I swear I need to get him a girlfriend so he can stop worrying about what I do. "What did she do? Did she send you a cute message?"
Yeah, she's planning to commit theft. The usual.
"She just told me to enjoy my night," I say just to get him off my back.
"How romantic. So when are you letting me meet her formally?"
I scoff. "Never."
Woo's offended and a dramatic gasp pulls out of him as he nearly turns his whole body in the driver's seat. "How can you say that? You really hurt my feelings just now."
I kick his seat in the back, making him yelp. "Pay attention to the road!" I yell. "And no, I'm not letting anyone meet her. You're the one who told me to keep her away from this."
"Yeah, but I didn't mean from me!" Woo complains. "I'll pretend to be your cousin. She probably won't be able to tell anyway."
"No, Wooyoung."
"I just wanna see her personality!" Woo whines more. "I wanna see if she's right for you, you know?"
To think if this scenario was true, Woo would still be this nosy. I almost laugh at his desperate tone, shaking my head.
"So you know what's good for me now? Especially women-wise?"
"Of course. I need to make sure she knows your needs and how much of a crybaby you really are so she can let you sleep on her boobs."
My face heats up dramatically and I kick Woo's seat out of embarrassment. His annoying hyena laugh blasts through the air and I lean back into my seat. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
The rest of the ride is same old. Wooyoung blasts 1980s Cantonese pop, to "fit the mood" because he thinks we're in some Hong Kong crime show.
But as soon as the sun starts setting and the lights on the road begin to blur, its like a switch has been flipped.
Woo makes rough turns and parks in a shady neighborhood. We're feet away from a club with a neon lit sign flashing the words, "Nevada Dynamite". We sit in the car a few minutes, simply breathing. A car passes by and stops down the street as Woo slowly turns George Lam down.
"Are you ready for this?" Woo mutters. I nod without a word.
I pick up his shotgun and hand it to him while grabbing my crowbar. I pull my mask over my face and tighten my beanie as we get out and Woo locks the van.
Yunho's establishments don't really have an age restriction, maybe it's because he has a thing for minors. But either way, it isnt easy for us to make it past the door, especially when the bouncer immediately glares at us when we near.
"and who the fuck are you people?" he snaps. Woo walks ahead of me and flashes an overly cheerful smile, knowing he's about to ruin this guy's whole night.
"we got a message from Miss A. you sure you wanna send us away?" wooyoung says with a smirk. The bouncer's eyes widen in fear.
he doesn't get a chance to speak. wooyoung lifts the head of his shotgun and knocks it across the bouncer's face, throwing him to the side. he isnt knocked out yet, so woo slams the gun over his cranium for good measure.
i shake my head. this kid has way too much fun doing this. we barge inside the club, the neon lights and shitty techno music overwhelming. its pretty full, and i nudge wooyoung in the ribs when we get to the open floor.
he has the gun hidden underneath his jacket, but if it goes off at all we're fucked. "we need to talk to the VIP bouncer," i tell him and we look around suspiciously. "dont shoot while we're inside. if the cops show, we're fucked."
"i know, im not a moron." woo rolls his eyes at me but i have to make sure. he's trigger happy when left unchecked.
i look around worriedly. despite the intoxicating atmosphere i know this place is probably crawling with black dragons. if yunho is scared for his life the way he should be, he'd have this place fully invested.
a woman comes up to us in a tight red dress, a flower in her afro as she smiles. "evening boys, haven't seen you around here before. are you new in town?"
"not interested," i say, but woo nudges me in the ribs. the woman laughs, slightly offended.
"oh no, im just the hostess. my name is leana. can i get you boys anything? karaoke?" she offers with an unreal sparkle in her eyes.
"how can we get to the vip area?" woo asks.
leana's smile shrinks slightly. "oh no. thats restricted for the owner. but i can show you our other premium suites if you'd like a more private party."
yunho is definetely under this roof. fucking coward. i pull a small knife from my pocket and yank leana close to me so that her stomach rests against the tip of it.
she yelps, freezing on the spot. i sway her a little so it looks like we're dancing. i force a smile as she looks up at me in fear.
"why dont you lead us to the VIP room?" i say. "be a good host, yeah?"
"o-okay." her voice shivers as she turns around to walk. woo and i manage to stay close to her, with woo's hand on her shoulder as she guides us to away from the flashing neon lights and into darker fluorescents.
"please," she begs as we walk down a dim hallway. "i have nothing to do with any of this. i-i'm really just a nobody."
"arent we all, lady," woo mutters, not caring for the lady's obvious fear. we stop infront of a door and i push her aside, and she immediately runs down the hall as to not be seen.
wooyoung and i share one look before we both slam our feet into the door, throwing it open with a violent swing.
and of fucking course, yunho is there at a table with a shit ton of other gangsters. his eyes widen when he sees us and he jumps up from his seat.
"what the fuck is this?" he growls and looks at another guy. "mingi, your boys couldn't fucking keep anyone out?"
"no more running, asshole," wooyoung spits. "we're taking you home."
yunho shakes his head with a dirty laugh as men start to swarm us. i pull my crowbar from under my hoodie and glare. "not a fucking chance, kid. the next time you hear from me, i'll be on top of the drug empire in hong kong with zero fucks to give."
yunho gets up again but there's no way im letting him leave. i swing my crowbar against the head of a black dragon and shove its point into the stomach of another. soon the room is in all out carnage when they start pulling knives, and everything goes to utter shit.
i feel cuts slashing across my ribs as im forced against walls and surfaces, fighting for my life. wooyoung is using his shotgun like a sword, knocking everyone the fuck out. yunho runs out of the room when theres an opening, while a man just sits put at the table and watches everything unfold.
i punch one of the gangsters and grab his knife, stabbing it into his thigh. he howls like a little bitch, and i strike him across the face with my bar, knocking him straight into the table. the man stays at the table, smoking a cigar in a trenchcoat as if hes bored with everything.
theres money all over the table. bills upon bills. they mustve been gambling, or making a deal. i wave my crowbar toward the guy sitting as wooyoung beats the shit out of three guys in a corner.
"your boss is bold, sending you into black dragon territory," he drawls, blowing out a puff. "you must want an all out war, huh?"
"we want yunho," i heave, my shoulders rising and falling harshly.
"then you better go get him," mingi smirks. "you dont want him to reach hong kong, do you?"
"go!" wooyoung shouts at me, nodding to the door. "i'll take care of that bastard. you go get yunho!"
he wouldnt run now. i know this because hes most protected here. as soon as i make it out onto the open dance floor, seven guys show up to jump me. goddamn it.
one runs at me at full speed, raising his fist like its a rocket launcher. i move out of the way and grab his neck, slamming his head into the bar counter. people start screaming and running. everything is chaos.
i jump onto the bar and throw out my heel, catching two guys in the face. my breath is fast, it feels like im moving at lightning speed. i slide down and grab a bottle, smashing it over another guys head as he rams me into the bar. he grabs my head and tries to choke me, but i shove the broken end of the bottle into his cheek.
he screams and its a bloody mess. a punch reaches me from the side. it feels like im fighting with eight limbs, all the taekwondo and krav maga i was forced through during eighth grade completely saving my ass.
when theyre down, i scan the whole place. people stormed out of the club in fear. its empty. i run for the bathrooms to check it out. he couldnt have run, he has nowhere to go.
a couple starts rushingly gets dressed and runs out when i enter the mens bathroom,  complete silence following after. thats when i hear heavy breathing. its like hes trying to calm himself but its not working. fucking idiot.
i kick open the middle stall door and it hits yunho in the face. he whines out and tries to throw a punch, but i roll my arm around his neck and hold him in a downward lock.
"let go of me dickhead!" he screams, his voice tightening as i fasten my grip. "ple- fucking come on, san. dont do this. dont do this to me please."
im trying to choke him out. but the fucker is holding on for dear life.
"pleasse!" he wheezes, sounding like hes on the verge of crying. "please, shes gonna kill me. are you really gonna let her kill me? after everything shes fucking done to you? think of your dad– think of–"
BOOM!!!
i loosen my grip as a shot goes off. yunho tries to wriggle out of my grip, i quickly apply more pressure. what the fuck was that. wooyoung better not have killed someone.
oh god. if wooyoung killed a member of the black dragons we are screwed. we're dead.
yunho passes out between my arms. i drop him and quickly run out when i see someone in a hoodie, standing in the middle of the club. hes staring right at me, in an awkward stance like he doesnt know whats going on.
"get lost," i spit at him. he doesnt move. another gangster?
"didnt you fucking hear me?" i hiss.
"ohshit oh shit oh shit!!" woo comes running out, holding his shotgun and mounds of cash on his other arm. "we need to get the fuck out of here."
i cant even register what i want to say when i hear footsteps and the door push open. that guy speeds out like his life depends on it. fuck no.
"yunho's in the bathroom!" i yell to woo right before i break into a run after the gangster.
he has to be another black dragon ready to call for back up. when i get outside the club, hes already halfway down the road. i sprint after him like the devil himself is on my tail.
***
"you need to give me an extra hundred, doll. you didn't say it was this far out," the Taxi driver tells me when we stop outside the shady club. "You didn't even tell me it was a whole different county. Gas prices are high, you know."
i scowl and hand him another hundred. "Hey, do you think you can stay here for a few minutes. I'm just trying to find someone."
The taxi driver's eyes shine in amusement in the rearview. "Trying to catch a boyfriend cheating?"
i snort and look up at the light up neon sign. "Something like that."
it was a whole hour drive. A whole different neighborhood, district, nearly a whole city. The black van San got into is currently parked infront of a shady looking club.
I know San lied but wow, he really covered everything up in a few mundane sentences. I won't be able to describe how betrayed I feel till I find out what he's hiding from me.
"Five minutes max," the taxi driver says. "After that you're on your own."
"Thank you, mister," I nod and get out, running to the entrance of the bar.
BOOM!!!
the sound is loud and comes straight from the club. i try to lie to myself and deem it a firework, having grown up in a sheltered neighbourhood, but when i look at the taxi driver, his fear is so imminent that i know it simply isnt true.
"hell no! im outta' here!" the bastard hits the gas and speeds off, leaving me stranded. i watch dumbly as he rounds the bend of the street, abandoning my view.
well, yaera, it looks like youre on your own.
i check for security when i turn to the club but the whole place looks abandoned out front. its only when i creep closer do i see a man sprawled out at the door, completely passed out. at least i think hes passed out. respectfully, i dont care if hes alive or not. it just makes me want to find san.
i go inside, and the silence is quickly shattered by the loud grunts of men and splinters of chaos. glass shattering, things breaking. when i finally get onto the dancefloor, all i see are bodies across the floor looking like human wrecks.
did...did san do this? i know he can fight but this? is he fucking bruce lee incarnate?
im bewildered to my bones. a door bursts open on the side and i see san right there. and i have no words. im frozen on the spot as we stare at each other in disbelief.
he looks fucked up. so fucked up. hes bleeding but i dont even think he realizes it. he looks ten times worse compared to the last time i saw him fight. and theres a look in his eye ive never seen before. he looks like he wants to kill me.
oh. oh fuck hes staring right at me.
"get lost," he orders in a low voice, his body taking a fighting stance. he has no idea its me.
"didnt you fucking hear me?" he says even more harshly.
limbs. nows the time to wake the fuck up and carry me out of here.
"ohshitohshit–" i hear another voice panic, a guy coming from another door in the club. he has his arms full of money and a gun in his hand.
a shotgun. thats all i need to see for my legs to finally jumpstart and get me the hell out of there.
***
San
i barely have time to think of how jung wooyoung, my childhood friend and faux cousin just left the both of us unbelievably fucked. all because im chasing black dragon backup. and fuck is he fast.
"Hey!" i yell, running after them. wooyoung follows behind me, and my nerves and face are unbelievably hot from how pissed I am at him.
"should i shoot him?" woo asks as we chase after the guy, and i wish i could swat him like a fly.
"do not fucking shoot anything anymore!"
the man curves into an alleyway, short and scrawny and so annoyingly fast. i feel like a cat chasing a mouse, im also trying to catch my breath because cardio is so damn terrible.
when we get to the alley, the man is hoisting himself over a fence. he sees us, staring at us with a mask and hoodie on so we don't catch his face. really convenient.
i keep pursuing, because the best I can do is knock this guy out till he can't remember a damn thing. or i can toss him into a bin so his members dont find him.
i try my best to climb over the fence with woo, but the person is already halfway over another one. woo is faster than me, jumping over and dashing toward the black dragon. he climbs and jumps, grabbing the asshole at the end of his hoodie and giving one hard tug.
he falls from the top of the fence and hits the cold concrete below. but instead of being unconscious with broken ankles, he scrambles to his feet like a rodent. he tries running past me, but I block him and yank him by the sleeves, throwing him into the brick wall.
once he hits it, I stomp my heel into his chest. he lets out a pathetic yelp, sinking down to the floor.
"you saw something you shouldn't have," I say, breathing hard. "now you should forget."
i can't kill him, so a terrible beating will have to do. woo and I already have to leave the area before anyone catches up with us.
"damn, Sannie, you gave him one hard ass kick," Woo chuckles. I glare at him and his smile quickly falls away.
"I haven't forgiven you yet. Shut up and take his hood off."
woo sighs and rips the guy's hood off, and I swear my breath hits a wall.
my ears feel like they're about to combust because of the rage pooling into them.
"what the fuck?" woo yells, pointing accusingly. "isn't that your girlfriend?"
yaera wheezes in pain, looking up to us shamefully. she's clutching her chest and tears are spilling down her eyes, and the sight of her red face somehow makes this already shit night a hundred times worst.
"woo, help me fucking carry her."
***
helping yaera in the van while she's out of breath and unable to speak is good, because it distracts me from the absolute bullshit I know she's going to spout once she can speak.
woo throws yunho in the back, tying ropeties around his wrists and ankles. yaera watches the scene as takes in puffs from her asthma pump and i cant believe it. im actually surrounded by idiots who never listen to me.
she fucking followed me. i don't even know how she found out, or how she found me, but she did. she actually did. and on top of that she has asthma. who the fuck smokes cigarettes while having asthma?
i strap her into the seat next to me, and she's borderline crying from how hard i kicked her. i feel bad, but im so fucking angry. i wouldn't have hurt her if she wasn't here in the first place.
woo gives me a weird look when he gets in the drivers. "what the hell man..." he whispers, staring at yaera like she's subhuman. "you've got a shit ton to explain."
"don't you fucking start," i snap at him, not in the mood. everything was ruined at once so i might as well go off now that i can. "what about you? what the Hell were you thinking shooting at a black dragon, woo!?!"
"look, that mingi guy attacked me. he was beating the shit out of me and i did what i had to. plus i didnt kill him!" woo defends, having the nerve to mutter under his breath, "even though i fucking should have."
"and this?" i gesture to the cash in the van. "was robbing him necessary?"
woo sighs exasperatedly as he grips the wheel and starts the car. "look, i just thought if i took a little extra you wont be so broke at the end when Miss A eventually takes her share of the money–"
i can't believe this kid. "you did this for me?" I scream. "you aggravated our rivals after shooting them so i can have some extra cash? goddamn it, woo!"
woo's eyes are desperate in the rearview. its like hes realizing the magnitude of what hes done. like hes trying to convince himself mentally that it was worth it.
"but this is worth more. I-It'll pay off your debt so you'll be able to buy something f-for yourself for once!"
i open my mouth to yell again but I'm interrupted. "Y-You're in debt?" Yaera dares to ask in a breathless voice.
i glare at her furiously. "Oh, you don't even get to ask questions. What the fuck are you doing here? Why did you follow me!"
She flinches at my loud voice but I don't care. Instead she has the nerve to glare back, sobby eyes and all. "You lied to me, you asshole. so this is the 'thing' with your cousin?"
"so you follow me? are you fucking crazy or something?"
"you just shot someone and you want to call me crazy?" she raises her voice. "what about you? If I'm fucking crazy then what are you?"
I grit my teeth in rage. "you had no right to follow me."
"oh but i have every right. You're my partner and you're doing shit behind my back."
"do you know how much harder you've made shit for me?" i snap. "if you had just fucking trusted me i wouldnt be in this mess right now!"
she scoffs. "how can I trust you when you lie to my face about everything! you asked me to be honest and i was, and then you lie to me right after? what the fuck do you take me for, san?"
i lean back into my seat and let out a frustrated groan, rubbing my temples. i can't take this. im not used to this, i hate having to explain everything I do and reporting to someone like a fucking understudy.
"this was a mistake," I realize. "this partnership. it was a fucking mistake."
yaera shakes her head at me, her chest rising and falling rhymically, somehow angry as well. "this wasn't a mistake. dont you dare blame your dishonesty on me," she grits through her teeth. "if you stopped lying and just told me what i need to goddamn know, i would have understood i need to hang back."
"okay fine!" i heatedly admit. "i wasn't going to bring you here. you know why?"
her dark eyes light up daringly, as if she's hoping I'll say something mean or insulting.
"because I don't trust you." I sneer.
i want to tell her i dont want her to be exposed to these awful people and this hellish environment. i dont want her to die or get hurt. but i dont say that. it rests on my tongue, dying to come out but i know how she'll react.
the fact that she refuses to be kept safe makes me even angrier.
"really? I would never have guessed."
"i seriously don't fucking trust you. you're reckless and it's like you don't care about your life at all. there were gang members in there. Actual gangmembers and after what happened last time, i wasn't going to have you mess anytvhing up for me."
she shakes her head in disbelief and curses in Italian. it's a long one and I know she's insulting me.
"wow! you're fucking doing this again after you said you wouldn't! you really can't keep your word, can you?"
her voice is dry and unimpressed and its clear we're both in the same page where we just dont trust each other at all.
"saying is one thing, but can i really leave your life in your own hands?" I laugh mockingly at her. "you can't even take care of yourself. the fact that you followed me here, an hour away from where we live just to fucking see what I'm doing says enough."
"Really?" She clenches her jaw. "Do you have any idea what this looks like to me?"
"i don't. enlighten me."
she leans forward, the long strands from her hair falling loose on the sides of her face. " it just looks like you played me."
"what?" i scoff because where is she going with this?
"to me, the person you're never honest with. it looks like i gave you all my savings, in exchange for a partnership that's one sided. i gave you that money to work with you and instead of fucking holding your end up, you do your own thing, you lie to me, make your own plans, go off on your own and never tell the truth. is that a good fucking partner? Doesn't that sound like a goddamn scam to you? Because it fucking feels that way to me!"
her words render me silent, and i realize i havent even thought about it like that before. im glad we're driving at night, because my cheeks are flaming hot from embarrassment.
"do you think that's fair?" she asks me again, defeatedly. "i did my part. i did all you asked of me. but you don't do the same."
"what the fuck is going on, San?"
woo's concerned voice from the front reminds me that he's in fact in our presence. I groan and clutch my head, oh god wooyoung has been here the entire time.
im going to have to be honest now. all the things im afraid of are happening to me. i wanted to keep yaera away from the gang while getting her what she wanted, and already one person is aware of her existence.
this just keeps getting worse.
"we're not dating," i say weakly. "we're partners. she's helping me with the gang stuff."
"what the fuck, dude!" woo exclaims. "since when?"
"recently," i mutter.
he sounds like he's about to break the steering wheel. wooyoung starts stuttering aggressively before finding his voice again.
"And Miss A??? Does she know about this?"
"Of course not, woo. and I'm not going to tell her."
"B-But if she finds out. She'll..."
i eye him sharply in the mirror. "that's why no one's going to tell her. she's my girlfriend, that's all there is to it."
woo sighs heavily. "what the fuck man... and here I thought you were finally getting laid. why are you letting her do this shit? what possessed you?"
if i tell wooyoung now, while yaera is in the car, he'll say some shit and scare her into oblivion. i think we have enough problems at hand.
"whats going to happen to san if people find out about me?" yaera asks woo. an uncomfortable silence follows before wooyoung answers.
"you see that guy in the back? that will be san. and you? well, it depends on who gets to you first, our gang, or the black dragons."
yaera frowns. she looks mildly uncomfortable, but not as afraid as she should be. shes not running for the hills when she absolutely should.
"that...wont happen," i try to convince myself. "just–just dont do this ever again, please."
"we need to talk san," yaera and woo say at the same time, both in demanding fashions. my mind hurts just thinking of having to deal with both.
"this whole thing is causing me to detour. we're gonna have to take her home first before we can take care of yunho," woo says.
"im staying at san's," yaera says, eyeing me sharply. "im not going home until we've talked."
***
the rest of the ride home is agonisingly silent. yaera has fallen asleep, her head against the tinted windows as soft breaths fall from her lips. she looks so serene sleeping. and yet my brain has been terrorising me by envisioning her as dead.
right next to me.
i try to keep my mind off it and watch yunho instead. he randomly wakes up on the way home and i punch him again, where he sinks right back into unconsciousness.
its a dreadful feeling carrying yaera up to my apartment with wooyoung being so quiet. the most talkative guy i know is dead silent.
maybe hes preparing for whats going to happen tonight. we've heard tons of stories of people joining the 105ths, finding out they were policemen and then having them fall off the face of the earth. traitors are far and few because of Miss A. people are too fucking scared to betray her.
i put yaera down into my bed and just as i close her with my blanket, her eyes flutter awake. shes disorientated and sits up on her elbow.
"go to sleep," i urge her. she shakes her head at me and i sigh.
"not until we talk."
"we've been gone long enough, lets go," woo says and pulls my arm, staring at yaera and i in a tense way that has his jaw clenched. hes angry at me, and fuck he should be.
it didnt take long for everything to go to shit.
"she texted me the address," wooyoung tells me in the van as we drive. "a warehouse at the docks. thats where theyre doing it."
i stay silent and mentally prepare. emotionally i know ive already been ripped apart by everythign ive seen.
"please be honest with me, man," woo says and frowns at me. "i just wanna know what youre doing with that girl."
"she needs to skip the country, so shes helping me make money and im giving her a share of it."
"and she knows youre in the 105ths?"
i nod and woo's grip on the wheel tightens. here we go.
"does she know about the debt? your dad? miss A?"
"no," i lifelessly answer. "i havent told her any of that. she just knows the easy stuff. im helping her till she can get away from her family, then we'll never see each other again."
"the san i know would never agree to shit like that," woo grumbles.
"i didnt. she has leverage."
"what?" woo shouts, piercing my eardrum. i wince. "shes fucking blackmailing you? that bitch! lets kill her. we can get rid of her, san. what does she have on you?"
this is exactly why i never mentioned anything infront of her.
"a video," i sigh. "she just caught me in the middle of a deal with that yeosang fucker. she filmed it. my face is clear in it and everything."
"lets fucking kill her."
"no." i say in a clipped tone. wooyoung is staring at me incredulously. "dont look at me like that. im telling you i dont wanna do anything. she wont snitch on me, i know that."
"shes literally blackmailing you."
"her family is fucked up," i shrugged. "i was angry about it but it passed.im going to help her and im not gonna make it the gangs problem. so can i trust you to keep this to yourself until everythings over?"
"whatever man," woo shakes his head disappointedly. "if youre sure about this, i cant say anything. but..."
"just trust me, woo. i know you cant trust her but trust me."
woo nods grudgingly, his discomfort worse than what it was before.
we pull up on the dark port and the warehouse is to our left. woo and i get out and carry yunho to the door, where higher ups take him from us.
he wakes up while they carry him and hes already screaming when hes put onto a chair in the middle of the place. the lights shine directly on him, casting out his ghostly, terrified face to the public.
"good work," one of miss A's deadly machines says. he steps out from the shadows like a ghost, his dark and unhinged eyes making me severely uncomfortable.
park seonghwa. aka the butcher. ive only heard of him from woo. hes the copkiller of the gang, the one who punishes all miss A's enemies. when he gets rid of people, he makes sure they stay gone.
and they wont ever be found. not in one piece at least.
from his twisted smile as he stares at the horrified yunho, its clear to see why hes dubbed 'the butcher' in the first place. he looks like he'd eat your heart out of your chest.
"you can go now," seonghwa tells us with a wave. "unless you wanna stay for the show."
he pulls out a long knife from the belt on his black pants, its blade shining sharply from the light sliding across it. yunho starts screaming louder.
"fuck no! you assholes cant do this to me! no! fuck you! ive worked for Miss A for years! you cant just–" his screams rapidly turned to sobs. "san, wooyoung, please. you cant let them do this. i made a mistake. i was being blackmailed–"
seonghwa gives no warning for what he does next. the blade disappears into the flesh of yunho's stomach, his mouth hanging open wide as inhumane chokes come from it.
i want to throw up.
woo and i watch in horror as seonghwa pulls the knife out of yunho roughly, cutting him up all over again. "its always you cowards who beg for your life the loudest," seonghwa chuckles mockingly. "its funny really."
he starts stabbing yunho rapidly, with blood now dripping from his mouth. i turn around because i cant stand looking at the sight anymore. i want to cry but i feel empty.
i cant believe this is my life.
"youre gonna tell miss A we did a good job, right?" woo asks pathetically, failing to hide the fear in his voice. yunhos screams have gone radiosilent.
"of course!" seonghwa says with a laugh. "go chase that promotion, kids! have a good night!"
i get out of there as fast as i can. and when im out the door, i empty my stomach on the concrete.
next chapter
17 notes · View notes