#I do think it improved in the second half I was mindlessly enjoying myself at the end there

[bookwyrminspiration]

finished iron flame 👍

[bbugyu]

how seokmin knew

a journey with yoon jeonghan, lee seokmin, and you.

from the second seokmin first saw you, he thought you were far too good to be true, and he hadn't even gotten to learn the best parts of you yet.

prelude | part one | part two | part three | epilogue

wc.8888 | fluff, smut, courtship, oh jeez where do i even begin, the beginning i guess, polyamory, fem reader, musician!seokmin sugar daddy!jeonghan escort!reader, threesome, fingering, oral (everyone receiving), creampie, cumpla (like gunpla but with cum), (sorry), (but seriously lots of cumplay), overstim, switch!seok dom!han switch!reader, phone sex, snuck in a babygirl, hell yeah fighting for dominance, let's talk BOUNDARIES, hi mingyu, sorry but seokmin being a special guest is hot as hell, the required listening for the last scene is the album "new edition (1984)" by new edition (which is a real lp i own and listened to while writing it)

hELLOO!! welcome to my poly seokhan au! i have been neck deep in this universe for weeks now and i am finally releasing it in three parts! i will be posting today (obvi), tomorrow, and friday at noon pst, plus a little bonus epilogue whenever i finish it! today is all about seokmin and how he fell in love. i really poured a lot of myself into this one, between the poly reader and the obsession with architecture and the record collection (three fun facts about me, but you get no more context), so if you like it, please let me know! i did my best to portray the relationship as realistic and as healthy as possible❣️ also this series lowkey became a “how many cameos can i naturally squeeze in” kinda piece so if you spot one u should absolutely let me know hehe. and i edited my masterlist to accommodate for serial aus, let me know what you think!

please read the prelude linked in the contents of this post! it gives important context for the beginning of this part, establishes relationships, and sets the general mood 😏

~

seokmin lived a fairly simple life. he held private piano and guitar lessons in the comfort of his apartment, vaulted ceilings and tall windows helping to bring a bright, airy, studio environment during the day that he felt suited musical lessons perfectly - not the mention the lovely acoustics the tall room provided when he sang, belting out improv musical theater riffs as he scrambled eggs for a sandwich. he genuinely found joy and pride in helping adults and children alike train their hands to achieve new heights. he also did some contract vocal lessons at an entertainment company, stopping by the studio two or three times a week to train young new hopefuls in the music industry. he wondered how different his life would have been if he had taken their path, but he enjoyed the quiet downtime in his line of work, and wouldn't trade it for anything

his simple life. he drank tea in the mornings as the sun rose over the skyline, rode the subway with his guitar bag over his shoulder and his groceries in two overstuffed ecobags, and enjoyed his days off by relaxing in his home, scribbling down lyrics and compositions on the legal pad that never left the music shelf of his upright piano. the less simple part of his life could be described simply as you.

the second time he had been summoned to accompany you, he had been at home, heating up leftover takeout and mindlessly watching some drama on a saturday evening after having gotten lunch and playfully wasting the afternoon with a friend, when he received a phone call. he answered it without giving too much thought, expecting an invite for drinks, as was usually the case when he heard from jeonghan. he put it on speaker and set his phone on his kitchen counter, leaning against it as he ate.

"hello?"

"minnie!" he had said, the smile obvious in his voice. seokmin responded with a short greeting before jeonghan continued. "are you busy tonight?"

"just watching tv," seokmin said, spoonful of fried rice in his mouth. "why? you feeling lonely?"

"something like that," jeonghan said. the architect must have been in the car, he thought briefly, hearing the static noise of wheels on pavement in the background every time he spoke. "listen, you remember y/n, yeah?"

he nearly choked. "uh, yeah. of course. did you think i would forget?"

"not really," he said matter of factly. "we're currently heading home after that exhibit opening and she's been asking about you all day. any chance you can get to my place in half an hour?"

seokmin blinked, staring at nothing as he processed. "tonight?"

a laugh. "yeah, tonight. she's been really sweet lately, i thought you could be her treat."

her treat. "right now?"

"yes," jeonghan laughed again. "right now. if it helps the decision making process, i've had my hand between her legs this whole time and she gets needier every time you talk."

seokmin swallowed harshly, imagining you squirming in the passenger seat of the car, huffing and desperate, begging for him with jeonghan's fingers curled into you. he adjusted against the counter, his pants suddenly feeling slightly tighter. "i'll get a cab."

then he heard you, your signature whiny moan as jeonghan no doubt worked you into a mess despite his even tone as he spoke. "y'hear that, sweetheart? he said yes. i'll pay for the cab when we get there. see you soon?"

"yeah," he said, eyes still unfocused. "yeah, see you soon."

after jeonghan asked you to be an angel and hang up for him, seokmin stood and looked around at his leftover fried rice and the drama that continued playing, remnants of his simple life that he found plenty enjoyable and fulfilling on its own, but fell to the shadows as you came into the light.

the cab ride felt too fast, and jeonghan's car pulled into the driveway of his luxurious home only minutes after seokmin arrived. he emerged from the door of the cab and stood in the late november air as the other car parked, the passenger door swinging open in a hurry.

"seokmin!" you squealed, heels clicking against the drive as you ran up to him in a shoulderless, long sleeved jewel toned dress that was not at all suited for the current temperature. your arms wrapped around his neck and he laughed into the hug. "i missed you."

"it's practically snowing," he chided, pulling away to wrap his coat around you, and you happily fell into his chest. he didn't stop you when you pulled his face to yours, kissing him briefly but deeply. you tasted familiar, memories of eating you out entering his mind as he thought about how jeonghan had likely made you clean his hand in the car, and despite your forwardness and his generally shy nature, it wasn't the winter air that sent chills up your spine when he muttered "i missed you, too," against your lips.

"okay, kids, get inside while i pay the nice driver," jeonghan said, holding out your coat to seokmin. he took it, draping it over your bare shoulders. you grinned at him, working your fingers between his and leading him towards a side entrance of the home.

he felt a flash of embarrassment, wondering what the cab driver must have thought about the interaction he was witnessing, but seokmin figured that he had probably seen much stranger and decided to not worry about it, especially when you were regaling the events of the evening.

"they were playing classical," you groaned, punching in the door code with the hand that wasn't fiddling with his fingers. "from a cd. at a modern art exhibit. what part of that makes sense?"

seokmin laughed. "is that why you were thinking about me?"

you smiled as he followed you through the doorway, revealing a grand kitchen with a large island countertop. he had been here before, but on halloween, when it was full of life and the counter was covered in food. "jeonghan may have let me watch some videos," you said, and seokmin felt heat rising on his neck as he thought of you asking to learn more about him in his absence. you stepped out of your heels and walked towards the large fridge as you spoke, retrieving a water bottle. "that jazz piano number you did, jeonghan said it was at a bar? that would have been so much better, especially considering the artist's vision. his stuff was so full of life, i'm honestly surprised he allowed them to do anything other than live jazz - classical was too stuffy."

"it was a commentary," jeonghan reminded you, closing the door behind him as you offered a bottle to seokmin. "juxtaposition of traditional museum atmosphere with outlandish architecture and colorful, emotional art pieces," he said, sounding rehearsed. "the music was supposed to feel stuffy compared to the visuals."

"you guys worked too hard to settle for that," you shot back. you may have held a little resentment for the fact that jeonghan hadn't even asked for your opinion on the matter, considering you were less than a year away from a degree in musical theory. "if i hear clair de lune at one of these unveilings one more time, i'm gonna tear my fucking hair out."

seokmin laughed, but jeonghan only gave you a tired chuckle, and only after you quirked an eyebrow at him. he should have known you were only acting impressed at the exhibit because you wanted seokmin around. jeonghan could be cruel, but not so cruel as to invite a friend over to make his lady's night, only to deny everyone the pleasure after he already arrived, and this was a fact about him you were completely aware of. now was your chance to act out with little to no sacrifice - the most he would do is punish you in bed, and that, you were willing to handle.

jeonghan tsked when he saw your laptop and schoolwork spread across the kitchen island. "didn't i ask you to not do this?"

you eyed the counter, noting the teasing tone he took. "not do what?"

"leave your shit in the kitchen. you have a whole room to do schoolwork in, make a mess in there," he scolded, clicking his tongue as he flipped a textbook shut.

"i work better in bright, open spaces," you said quickly. 

"i gave you a window to the sunroom."

"and i love it," you stated obviously. "and the desk you chose is nice, and the chair is super comfy, but it's still too dark in that room. it makes me want to fall asleep." you turned to the musician. "how have you been, seokmin? i haven't seen you in weeks, and jeonghan purposefully keeps secrets when you guys go out."

seokmin said close to nothing of substance as he said he was doing well and leaned against the kitchen island, focusing more on the way you shrugged the fuzzy coat off your shoulders and setting it in the counter to tuck your arms into his, wrapping them around his torso and resting your chin on his shoulder to give the man of the house a flirtatious look. jeonghan simply rolled his eyes at you with a faint smile on his face, taking off his own outer coat and going to hang it in a closet. you hummed as seokmin spoke about anything he could think of, smiling when you felt his gentle, hesitant fingers rubbing circles into the small of your back.

and that night, seokmin was perhaps too eager to secede control, allowing his friend to gently order the two of you to do whatever pleased him. currently, you were between his thighs as he laid out comfortably in jeonghan's bed, the architect fucking into you from behind as your voice went hoarse from sucking seokmin dry. his thick cock stretched your jaw to its breaking point, but your neediness for his cum on your tongue outweighed the soreness you knew you would feel the next day as you bobbed your head, your hands wrapped around what wouldn't fit. he choked, his fingers itching to reach out to you, but remembering jeonghan's firm words of no touching and gripping the sheets instead as he came into your mouth and you moaned around him. jeonghan had stopped you from swallowing completely, a hand around your throat as he pulled you against his chest, forcing your neck to crane around so he could share the treat. seokmin watched, hand involuntarily going to pump himself again despite the sensitivity, as his release dripped down both of your jaws between the feverish kisses. you whined, jeonghan continuing to thrust into you as he stole the gift seokmin gave you straight from your mouth, his fingers finding your clit, making your knees shake as he came in your pulsating cunt.

that was the first time in his life that seokmin had ever cum twice in one session, having been too turned on at the sight to even think about not having you ride his face, cum seeping out of your precious hole. too turned on by the way your fingers dug against his scalp and the way you tasted to even think about turning down jeonghan when he asked to touch him, groaning against your core as he slowly and teasingly jerked him off. too turned on by it all to even think about not cumming when he was told, fist clenching the now familiar sheets as you rolled off him, panting from the overstimulation. your face was wrecked, tearstained and flushed, as you collapsed into his side, wrapping your arms around his torso and burying your hot face in his neck, his own face not much better. jeonghan proudly announced he was off to take a shower, sucking a line of cum off his thumb before saying that you lovebirds were welcome to stay as long as you would like, fully expecting you two to continue without him as he walked to the bathroom. 

seokmin felt shy, for some reason, despite having just having taken a shower with you, and just before, having had sex with you both. you had asked him if he wanted sweats or a shirt to sleep in, saying jeonghan wouldn't mind if he borrowed some. he turned you down, but watched you tug a far too large shirt over your otherwise bare form, and let you lead him back to bed.

"it's a custom mattress," you told him, giggling as you pulled him onto the oversized bed, kneeing yourself to the center and plopping down next to where jeonghan was wasting time on his phone. you planted a kiss on his cheek and he looked up to smile at you before you turned back to seokmin. he noticed the duvet changed, and he wondered if jeonghan had swapped it out after the mess they had made on it. you maneuvered yourself under the covers, gesturing for him to join you. "c'mon," you said. "we cuddle here."

seokmin had never even considered the idea of spending the night in bed with two other people, but found it surprisingly comfortable for it being his first time.

he did a lot of firsts with you, as it turned out.

you started to text him when you were alone and bored, which was something you and jeonghan had discussed with the strict understanding that you would have open and honest talks about it frequently, and that you would let him know any time you reached out to the musician. the first time he ever had phone sex, seokmin was busy at the company he did contract work for, and he had even told you so after the first suggestive text you sent him, but that didn't stop you from sending him increasingly dirty ideas and photos, making him silence his phone and shove it in his back pocket as he tried to focus on his students. when he finally slipped away to a private bathroom, he groaned at the way you looked, laid out on a plush couch and squeezing at your own breasts, with your back arching just so, and he quickly called you to ask if you were trying to get him fired.

"maybe if you get fired, you can come work with me," you whined, fingers already teasing your slick folds just at the low tone in seokmin's voice. his mind whirring as you gasped suddenly, revealing that you had already started. "jeonghan's been too busy for me this week, please don't tell me you are, too."

seokmin's eyes squeezed shut, back hitting the bathroom wall as he pulled himself out of his pants, trying not to drop his phone from his ear as he imagined how absolutely delightful you must look in that moment. "i'm never too busy for you, baby."

jeonghan took him out to dinner. it was normal, mostly, and not the first time since seokmin had seen his dick, but he noticed the older was acting slightly different as seokmin turned the meat on the grill.

"about y/n," he said finally, and seokmin fumbled with a chunk of pork before clearing his throat.

"yeah?"

jeonghan smiled. "she hasn't said it yet, but i think she really likes you."

that made seokmin freeze, suddenly thinking about how he was at dinner with his undefined sext buddy's long term partner. "really?" he squeaked out.

"listen, i want you to know," he said, picking off some cooked meat and chewing it casually. "whatever happens between you two, i'm okay with it. she promised to keep me in the loop, and i trust her."

seokmin nodded, putting down the tongs and grabbing his chopsticks, continuing to avoid eye contact. "okay."

jeonghan laughed. "stop acting like i'm her dad. you and i are in the same relationship with her at this point."

he swallowed, a smile creeping across his face. "well, she does call you daddy."

the next time he saw you, you came to him, appearing at his apartment one early tuesday evening as his last client was leaving. he greeted you casually, but still snuck a quick kiss on your lips as he let you in, his student packing up their guitar. he took your winter coat and told you to make yourself comfortable as they finished up, telling you where the restroom was if you needed it, but in a tone that made you think he was saying it more to announce to his student that you had never been there before than for your comfort, which pulled a quiet giggle from you as he quickly organized his loose leaf sheet music into their designated folders. you watched him from the piano bench as he made short conversation with his student, accepted a check, and bid the aspiring guitarist farewell, closing the door behind them. when you were finally alone, seokmin blushed at the realization that you had been smiling at him the entire time, thinking about how his client must have thought their teacher had gotten himself a cute girlfriend.

you were less forward this time. less needy. you flirted, but not in the outright ways you had every other time seokmin saw you. you stood and joined him by a bookshelf as he put away materials, asking him about his day (quite lovely, especially with this to look forward to), what he had eaten for lunch (he'd gotten ox tail soup delivered as a celebratory meal for a student that just had their first solo piano recital that weekend), and how he managed to command authority in all his students when he always looked so darn cute (he had pitched his eyebrows at you and went "yah," but was unable to keep a straight face long enough to argue with you). you smiled, taking a baseball off the bookshelf and turning it over in your hands, and asked why he invited you over. he cleared his throat, saying he thought it'd be nice to take you out on a proper date, but faltered when your shining eyes caught his.

"a proper date?" you asked, smiling slyly.

"i- uh, yeah, i mean-" he cleared his throat, hand finding the edge of a table as he tried to figure out what he was trying to say. "people generally treat you in exchange for your company, right?"

"generally," you agreed, focusing on his standup piano on the far wall as you thought. "i don't want you to, though."

“i didn’t mean-” he stretched his jaw - a nervous habit that you had begun to notice - as he readjusted his approach, not wanting to imply that he wanted your exchange to be purely transactional. "i just wanna take you out. for real."

you gave him a small smile, knowing what was the case despite your teasing. "okay. it's a date."

to change the subject from one that seokmin clearly didn't know how to continue - and besides, you weren't hungry enough for dinner yet - you returned the baseball to it's display and asked him how he taught his lessons. he laughed, not because your question was funny, but because he didn't know how to answer it in a way that didn't sound like a pitch to a potential client.

"then teach me like a client," you demanded playfully, skipping to sit at the piano bench and turning to grin at him.

seokmin took a moment to look at you, with a knit sweater tucked in the front of a pair of loose jeans - a far cry from the tight fitting, short dresses he normally saw you in - sat in his apartment as the last remnants of sunrays dipped behind the skyline. "you know how to play," he said finally, but walking over to join you anyways.

"teach me like i don't," you said as he sat beside you, scooting over slightly to accommodate. "i'm very good at acting incompetent."

he laughed again. "normally, people pay me for this kind of time, but i'll give you an intro. we'll start with hand placement," he said, gently putting his hands on the keys. "starting position is important, even though you'll be moving around the keys a lot when you actually play. your thumb," he said, wiggling his right thumb and smiling when you giggled. "it starts on c. that's your root."

"oh, right," you vocalised, placing your right hand similarly an octave up from his. "music has a bunch of letters, huh?"

"only the seven," he joked, pulling his hands off the keys as you comfortably set your fingers where they belonged, a motion you clearly made often. "wow, are you sure you're a beginner? you picked that up fast."

you knocked him with your shoulder, giggling. "quick, what do i do next?"

he smiled. "try pressing the keys in order. c to g, thumb to pinky. be firm, this isn't an electric keyboard. it can sense fear."

you sucked on your cheek, smiling at the way seokmin explained things as you played, but used your pinky to strike the black key instead of g, giggling at the flat note. "oh, that sounded wrong. this piano must be out of tune."

"stop," seokmin said teasingly. "beginners don't have that kind of pinky dexterity, by the way."

"maybe i'm a prodigy," you said, grabbing his sleeve with both hands excitedly. "you have to teach me, mr. lee! you're the only one that can help me hone my gift."

"stop it," he repeated, laughing, giving you a fake glare. he put his hands back on the keys. "lesson over."

you pouted, but it was short-lived as he began to play. you watched his hands effortlessly move over each other as you listened to the gentle flowing melody. despite being classically trained yourself, back when you were young and your parents felt you needed the discipline of regular lessons, you found yourself being impressed by his deft finger movements. your eyes shut, and you let your temple fall to his shoulder as you listened.

"yiruma," you said when he stopped playing despite the song not being over.

his arm went over your head, allowing you to lean into his chest as he planted his hand on the bench behind you, your eyes still shut. "you know your stuff."

"it's one of my favorites." you smiled, eyes fluttering open again. "you play well."

your breath stopped in your throat when you realized how close his face was to yours. "have to. people pay me to teach their kids."

"jeonghan pays me to be nice to him, doesn't mean i'm good at it."

seokmin couldn't help but laugh. "how did that even start, by the way? he would never tell me when i asked."

you sighed, straightening your posture. "i suppose you should know, considering this is becoming a regular thing."

"you don't have to if you don't want to," he assured quietly. you smiled at the thoughtfulness. "i'm just curious, is all."

"i don't mind," you said, shaking your head gently at him. you inhaled, organizing your thoughts - this wasn't a subject you explained very often. "i had a scholarship for the first two years of uni, but i would have to pay tuition afterwards, so i decided to become a paid escort to save for it." you paused to study seokmin's reaction, but for the first time from someone other than jeonghan, you found no creased brow, no vague frown. no judgement. "men would hire me through a broker to accompany them to dinner, go to parties, the general stuff. i even played golf a couple times - terribly, obviously, but rich men really enjoy teaching young pretty women how to play golf. i always got a cab ride home at the end of the night, though. never did anything more. jeonghan was one of my clients."

seokmin nodded. "how long did you do that for?"

despite how you would normally take that question, you knew he meant no shame in asking. "ten-ish months? jeonghan was only for the last month or so, though."

"before he asked you to quit?"

you laughed lightly. "actually, someone else asked me to quit. this guy that had been hiring me regularly for almost my entire career. he wanted me to date him properly. i think he wanted a trophy wife. he was young, like, only a few years older than me, and he was nice, y'know? a little awkward in the beginning, but paying someone to go out with you is always a little awkward, and we got comfortable with each other pretty fast. he wanted to take the next step with me, but he wanted the end goal to be marriage."

seokmin adjusted as he thought. "but you said no?"

"i said yes." his wide eyes made you laugh, but you understood his shock. "i was ready to quit anyways, i guess?" you shrugged, shaking your head. "i wanted to go on real dates instead of getting paid to eat with men my parents' age. yukwon felt realistic to me. someone i could see myself with." you sighed. "i went out with jeonghan during my last week of escorting. when i told him i was quitting, he asked me to choose him instead."

he watched you when you paused, pursing your lips. "and then you said no?"

you giggled, bumping against his chest as he laughed with you. "i tried! but jesus, when that guy gets an idea." you shook your head again. "he asked how much yukwon was paying me - which he wasn't, by the way. we were going to do it for real, even though he was still gonna support me financially and pay for my schooling. i was gonna sign a prenup and everything - but jeonghan kept saying he would double it. said i didn't have to marry him, and that he just wanted to keep spending time with me, and if i wanted to call it quits later, i could. no pressure, no sex, no commitment… he gave me a choice, and i realized i didn't love yukwon. i thought i could, but i didn't."

"so he saved you?"

"from a lifetime of settling? i guess so. he's funnier, too," you admitted sheepishly. "i always had the most fun on nights i was with jeonghan."

seokmin smiled. "he is good at lightening the mood."

"and," you said, eyes wide. "he didn't even want us to be exclusive, said i could keep escorting or go on dates with other guys if i wanted, as long as i promised to make time for him when he wanted me. it was kind of the perfect arrangement."

seokmin nodded again. "was, being the operative word?"

you laughed, remembering how well he knew jeonghan. "lasted less than a month. we spent too much time together, and i quickly realized that every time i went out with someone else, i wished i was with him. to be honest, when i met you, i thought this would be a one time thing, so i may have tried to make it seem a little less involved than it is." you sighed. "we never really defined what we were. i think we've both always known that he was more than a sugar daddy to me, but he does basically pay me so that i can keep my schedule open for him, so i guess it's easier to tell people that? instead of everyone assuming i'm some gold digger taking advantage of his money?" you shrugged. "i do love the guy. i'm about 94% sure he loves me, too."

that made him laugh. "how long have you been together?" he asked, trying to figure out the timeline in his head. he had known about jeonghan's relationship with you for quite some time, though not the exact nature of it, or that you were so fantastic, for the mass majority.

"about a year. right before halloween, actually," you said, smiling as you leaned into him. "you were technically an anniversary gift."

his lip quirked upwards, watching you. "was it a good gift?"

"the best," you whispered, placing a slow kiss on his lips. your hand went to his sharp jaw, and you sighed against him as the kiss deepened, suddenly feeling needier than you had previously.

"does he know you're here?" seokmin asked quietly, mind flashing back to when him and jeonghan had gotten dinner together. "like this, i mean."

you nodded slowly, a hand on the bench to steady you as you leaned into him further. "he's in japan this week, told me i could see you as often as i want. just asked that i call him when i can, we spoke this afternoon."

"promise?"

you giggled. "you act like i would risk it. i like you too much, and you know he would make us both regret it if i was seeing you behind his back."

he examined your face, a smile on his lips, knowing it wasn't the part of the statement that he was meant to focus on but unable to think of anything else. "i like you, too."

so he kissed you, sitting on the piano bench in his loft apartment, and despite it being nowhere near the first time, something about it felt special. new. different.

later, though much sooner than later would imply, when the two of you were unable to stop yourselves from undressing each other, he had you seated firmly in his lap on the couch in his living room. the way he filled you out made you incapable of doing much outside of digging your hands in his hair as he rolled his hips up into yours, rambling about how perfect you were. how well you took him. how he had never seen anything as breathtaking as the way your brows stitched together and your mouth hung open as he fucked you. you huffed, twisting your hips slightly, triggering a groan from you both.

"so beautiful," he muttered, hands on your bare hips, rubbing circles into the soft flesh above the bone. "fuck, you're incredible."

"shit, seokmin," you exhaled, forehead falling on his. you knew he wasn't even using all his length, but he was thrusting deep enough into you to make you see stars. "god, i'm close."

you watched his tongue dart out to wet his lips as he focused on you, pulling himself off the couch and sitting up straight as his hips steadily rolled into yours. "come on, babygirl. you know i love the way you feel."

you cursed, arms winding around his neck as you pressed your chest against his, desperately kissing him as you felt yourself falling over the sweet edge. he groaned when you squeezed at him, arms wrapped around your waist, fingers gripping any amount of you he could as he worked you through your bliss. he only slowed to gently put your back to the couch, your legs wrapped around his waist as he curled over you, arms under your body to pull you into his chest, and a hand at the base of your neck to hold you steady as he firmly fucked you into the cushion.

"fuck, baby, you're so good to me," he groaned, forehead pressed just under your jawline, his mouth latching onto your neck as soon as he managed the words. you were gasping for air, arms over his shoulders, wondering if seokmin always made love this deeply and genuinely, or if you were just special.

afterwards, he discarded the condom that he insisted on using (you asked what the point of you getting something shoved into your cervix was if you couldn't enjoy his particularly bountiful creampies with no consequence, but he said he was not getting cum on the couch his clients sit on), pulled his underwear back on, and returned to you quickly, kissing up your body after pulling your panties back over your hips. you ran your fingers through his messy hair, causing him to look up at you. he said sorry, a laugh on his lips, asking if you wanted to get food delivered instead of going out.

"that sounds perfect," you giggled. "don't apologize."

"i'll take you out for real this weekend, i promise," he said, sitting up and stretching out his shoulder. you watched, quietly admiring how gentle and soft he seemed, with surprisingly firm muscles hiding under his usual large sweaters and shirts. "and i'll pick you up so we don't get tempted. but for now, kimchi soup and bibimbap?"

you nodded excitedly, sitting up to wrap your arms around him and planting a kiss on his shoulder. "sounds delicious."

he tried not to get excited by your touch, thinking about how you had said this was becoming a regular thing, and therefore he didn't need to get as much of you as he could before you slipped through his fingers like he had the first few times you met. he couldn't help himself, though, when his eyes met yours and you smiled gently at him, and had no choice but to put an agonizingly slow kiss on your lips before he stood to announce he was changing into something comfortable if you were just going to stay in. you giggled and grabbed your sweater from where it got discarded, pulling it over your head as you told him there was no chance in hell you were putting jeans on again before the morning, and he smiled at the implication that you would be staying the night with him.

"i have lessons tomorrow," he reminded you softly as he gathered up his clothes and walked to the stairs. "if you'd like, you can stick around, but it'll be boring."

you hummed. "i don't have class, but i should do schoolwork," you mused, watching him walk up the steps to what you could assume was his lofted bedroom. "it's been lonely at the house, though."

"if you wanna bring your things here, you can," seokmin suggested, his voice projecting easily through the space. he pulled on a pair of shorts and a more casual shirt than the one he had been wearing for his work day. "it would give you something to do while i teach youths how to play chopsticks. do you stay at jeonghan's when he's not around, too?"

you laughed, thinking about your all but abandoned apartment as you meandered towards the stairs. "lately, yeah. i used to spend more nights at home than in his bed, but he gets really busy planning stuff in the winter and has less time to take me out." you stretched your back. "i think he likes knowing i'll be there when he gets home late. makes the day easier." 

seokmin nodded as he came back down, running a hand through his hair, thinking that he, too, would find his days easier if it meant going to bed with you every night. "that's very kind of you."

"it's selfish, i promise." he laughed. "if you saw how tiny my place is, you would choose jeonghan's too. besides, i get cold in bed alone."

he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. "is that why you're here?"

you giggled. "no, i'm here because you invited me over. but that might be a factor in why i'm staying," you teased, hugging him tightly.

the next day, you were sprawled on his bed, writing an accompanying essay for your composition project as he taught lessons down below, only emerging to refill your water glass and use the restroom as infrequently as possible, trying to not disturb his lessons. parents often accompanied the children, usually reading a book and listening to their child practice. a college friend of his stopped by, as he tried to do at least once a month, accompanying his niece, and seokmin recalled that he was the one that had given jeonghan his number again over a year ago, feeling like he should thank him but not knowing how.

"seokmin," you called down softly when you heard him chatting casually with his friend. you padded down the steps with your empty water glass, spotting the young girl at the kitchen table with a marker and a sheet of paper, smiling when you remembered her slightly clumsy, but surprisingly advanced keystrokes, considering her age.

"what's up?" seokmin asked, pushing off of the counter he was leaning against, and he ignored the quick, questioning nudge mingyu pushed into his side.

"hi, sorry," you said, waving lightly when you noticed the tall man beside him. "i was wondering - if you have time - if you could listen to my composition piece and tell me if you think it leans more romantic or more post-great war?"

seokmin nodded. "absolutely. do you need me now, or can it wait ten minutes?"

"it can wait," you assured, eyes darting between the two men. you lifted the glass in your hand. "i needed a break."

he smiled, taking your glass and moving to pull open the fridge. "this is mingyu, by the way. mingyu, y/n. he's an architect, also."

"also?" mingyu asked, eyeing you. seokmin stared at you, realizing what he said.

your brows ruffled as you studied the tall man's face, not recognizing it. "we must not be in the same social group. i'm a friend of jeonghan's."

he gave you silent thanks for keeping the relationship ambiguous. mingyu, however, nearly yelled. "yoon jeonghan?" he laughed. "you know, i didn't even see that guy at his own halloween party. you still keep in touch, i assume, seokmin?"

he nodded, putting your filled water glass on the counter beside you, and you wondered how you never saw mingyu at the party, either. "yeah, we hang out fairly often."

"he introduced us," you interjected. mingyu smiled between you two. "thought we'd match well, i guess."

"well, you just asked a music teacher to review your composition, so," mingyu laughed. "he was right?"

seokmin studied you with a crooked smile on his lips. "have you ever known yoon jeonghan to be wrong?"

you stayed another, more innocent night, but when seokmin woke the next morning, his face was pressed against the side of you neck, and you were pushing your ass back against his morning wood.

"fuck, good morning," seokmin groaned, hands gripping at your hips where they had already been aimlessly floating.

"oh, thank god you're awake," you panted out. you spun in his grasp, pushing his shoulder back on the bed and climbing atop him. "you must have been having a fantastic dream, because you would not stop touching me."

he couldn't help the whine in his throat, mostly from embarrassment. "i'm so sorry."

"don't be," you rushed out, peeling off your shirt. "i just need you now."

considering this was his third time seeing it, he didn't think he would be so awestruck still, but the snapshot of you, topless, seated on his lap with your hands on his chest was a view that seokmin would likely never get over, because it felt like he was the dorky, awkward protagonist and you were the long-shot love interest that was way too cool and way too hot for him in this cliché coming of age comedy.

you kissed him, and he pushed your hips down to grind against his lap, pulling a gasp from your lips. he took the opportunity to bring a hand to your neck, pulling you into open mouth kisses. you moaned without shame as you rolled your hips.

"you know what jeonghan told me?" you asked, pulling back to tug his underwear just far enough down to release the member you couldn't stop thinking about. 

you straddled his lap, hands on your thighs. seokmin pushed his bare cock against your core, the wet fabric sticking lightly to his length. "what, baby?"

"he told me he wanted you to plug me up," you breathed, biting your lip when seokmin used a thumb to pull aside your underwear and drag your wetness across his dick. you moaned. "he wanted you to fuck me senseless and tell him all about it."

seokmin groaned, neck stretching out. "i can do that."

"no, baby," you said, bringing his free hand to your face and putting a kiss in his palm before you lifted yourself up, his thumb still hooked on your panties as you rubbed the head of his cock through your folds. "i wanna fuck you."

you sunk down onto him, jaw dropping. he smiled lightly, running his hands down your thighs. "i'll let you if you can."

your toes clenched, and you tried to maintain face. "i can."

seokmin folded his arms under his head, trying to avoid the temptation of fucking up into your warmth. he sighed, breathing out a "go on, then."

you put your hands on his chest and bounced on him several times, biting at your lip at how wide he stretched you out, but taking too much pride in the way his eyes hung half lidded and his breathy groaning to stop. 

your hands went to his neck, leaning forward, lifting his head slightly off the pillow to kiss him, his hands falling from behind his head to hold yours, stopping you from pulling away. 

he moaned into your open mouth, and you backed up for only a second to blearily meet his eyes as he panted. "baby."

you nodded, stealing a few more messy kisses. "yes?"

he groaned again, your hips twisting over his. "you're like a dream."

you could feel the heat radiating off your neck and cheeks, but you just pushed on his chest to sit upright, hands landing on his thighs. you moaned again, unapologetically, as you rotated your hips over his, and he bucked into you at the angle change. "if this is the dream, please don't wake up."

seokmin had a sneaking suspicion that he was in love with you, or at the very least falling towards it. the confirmation of this fact threw itself in his face, not when you proved that you could fuck him, sitting deeply on him to push his cum further in, or when you squealed and giggled as he threw your back onto the bed so that he could pull your underwear off proper and bury his tongue in your heat, but afterwards, when he wandered into the kitchen after using the restroom and found you wearing one of his shirts, waiting as his electric kettle bubbled to life, his favorite blue mug on the counter beside a white one - the white one, he realized, with the finger heart design that he had chosen for your coffee the day prior. and he told you so, rushing to explain himself and assure you that you didn’t have to say it back, but you just hushed him and smiled, saying that you loved him too.

seokmin had to go to the entertainment company that afternoon. you walked with him to the station near his apartment and he sat you in a cab, a kiss on your lips, before he hurried down to catch his ride to work. he breathed heavily when he could finally lean against a wall in the train, having to run to catch it before the doors closed.

seokmin❣️: almost didn't make the train 🙃

you: but you did!!! proud of you 👍

seokmin❣️: thanks 🥴💕

you were both smiling after that.

he took you out to eat that weekend, as promised, and you had honestly forgotten what it was like to date people that weren't jeonghan. you liked riding the subway with him (you couldn't even remember the last time you took it), and you thought it was cute that he let you stand against a wall to keep easy balance as he stood in front of you. you were slightly impressed that he barely rocked with the movement, only grabbing an overhead loop when the train was pulling into a station.

"wait, you're especially pretty right now," he said suddenly, leaning forward to inspect your eyes.

your head hit the wall gently in reaction, flushing at his comment, wanting to bury your face in your scarf. "thank you."

he gave you his signature crooked smile. "of course."

it was cold out, but seokmin wrapped his hand over yours, shoving the whole ordeal into his coat pocket as he walked you down the street towards the restaurant he had picked. you giggled, squeezing his hand in his pocket, but he just continued telling you about which of the trainees he was working with seemed like they would debut.

"jiyoon composes, too! i'm really impressed with her actually," he said, trailing off when he saw the sign for the restaurant. "ah, here it is."

you thanked him when he held the door open for you, and you were immediately struck with the smell of tomato, cheese, and bread.

"i haven't had pizza in ages," you said excitedly, following him to a table.

"don't tell me," seokmin said, helping you take off your jacket and hanging it on a hook at the end of the booth. "you guys don't order pizza?"

you shook your head, sliding into the booth comfortably. "not often. jeonghan likes asian food."

seokmin froze as he was pulling off his jacket to stare at you. "what about you?"

"i like eating."

he laughed. "well, i like pizza."

after dinner, you insisted he come back to the house with you. he said he didn't know, thinking that you would probably need your energy for when jeonghan got home the next day. you pouted, knitting your fingers with his as the two of you stood on the sidewalk outside the pizza place.

"but i really wanna show you my record collection," you said, batting your eyelashes at him.

that was all it took.

you discovered that there was a bus stop near jeonghan's home, and while you would likely never take a bus without seokmin, you thought it was a good nugget of information to tuck away as you marched through the front door of the estate you practically called home.

"welcome to yoon manor," you joked, spinning to smile at seokmin.

he looked around, and despite having been here before, it felt grander coming through the main entrance and without the distraction of party guests. he had seen it empty briefly, from a different angle, when you were pulling him up to your bed a few weeks prior, but he realized he hadn't actually been able to see much when you were the focus of his attention.

"the kitchen's that way, there's a bathroom," you said, pointing at the opening past the stairs as you pulled off your scarf. you folded it over your arm as you walked further into the home, seokmin following you closely. you walked past a partial wall, pointing further down the hall that held the secondary living space that he originally met you in. "there's a bathroom to the left there, and if you go to the end of the hall there's an open sunroom."

seokmin looked around the room you stood in, recognizing it in bits and pieces, but it looking much different without a crowd and flashing lights.

"and this is the living room," you said, spreading your arms as you spun to him. "tv, couch, bar, and most importantly," you giggled, tugging him towards the far wall of the room, which was covered in deep toned shelving, speakers, and a record player. "my record collection."

you took off your jacket as seokmin looked around in awe, noticing you had select autographed records displayed alone on picture ledges with spotlights pointed at them. one picture ledge was empty, centered just above the player. you tossed your coat into the couch, pulling seokmin's off his shoulders as well, despite his distraction.

"these are all yours?" he asked, turning to look at you after you had discarded the coats.

you nodded, spinning the felt of the record player mindlessly as you looked around. "i actually had started a collection years ago, but i couldn't make an excuse to spend the money on it very often. jeonghan gave me a pretty good excuse. also, whenever he pissed me off, he knew he could take me to a record shop and i would forgive him."

seokmin laughed. "does that happen a lot?"

"not as often as you'd think, considering what an ass he is," you teased. you gestured to the collection. "this is my baby, though. the house is his, but this wall is mine."

"well, play me a record," seokmin requested plainly, making you smile into a laugh.

"okay," you said, scooting past him to pull out one of the many cube drawers amidst the shelving. you flipped through a few. "dancing music?"

seokmin watched your hands, humming. "slow dancing, but, like, in a nostalgic discoteque."

you thought for a second, then closed the drawer to move to a different one, quickly flipping through and finding the record you wanted. you pulled the lp out, putting the bright blue sleeve with five smiling men on the empty picture ledge.

seokmin wrapped his arms around you as you set the record, striking the play button and enjoying the whirring as the lp spun, the needle connecting and the speakers scratching to life. you spun in his grip, laying your arms over his shoulders as he pulled you away from the record stand, into a more open space to playfully dance to the soulful bass lines and pop melodies of new edition.

"this house is insane, right?" seokmin asked, squinting at you as you laughed and nodded.

"it really is. the craziest part is he's still working on it."

"really?" seokmin looked around. "what else could he wanna change?"

you let your eyes wander. "i think it's a work in progress for him. the sunroom was brand new when we met, and he added this record display last winter, when i told him i always wanted to collect. the bar is new," you pointed. "he finished that in october. the kitchen was a summer project."

he blinked heavily, trying to register. "does he do all the work himself?"

"his team helps him," you explained. "he has a few contractors he works with and they manage the construction projects, but every once in a while i wake up on a sunday and he's cutting wood in the garage because he got an idea. he drafts all the changes, usually participates in the build, and picks most of the furniture, but he has people to collect the options for him."

"and he also does all that for other people, too?" you nodded, giggling. "and has time to take you to events almost every weekend?"

"i know. i didn't understand how he found the time until i realized that he just gets paid to do his hobby."

seokmin nodded. "me too, i guess."

you grinned. "me three. you should stay with us more," you suggested, rocking with him gently. "he'll be late tomorrow, but he's working from home this week…"

"hush," seokmin chuckled. "i have to work. besides, i'm sure he wants you alone after letting me claim you while he’s been gone."

"about that," you said, pulling away slightly to give him a cheeky smile. "i haven't gotten him to admit it yet, but i think jeonghan has a crush on you."

seokmin choked out a laugh. "what? me?"

"seokmin," you started, giving him a look. "he wanted you to join us for sex. more than once."

"okay," he scoffed lightly. "people have sex just for the sex sometimes," he pointed out, but in a tone that had no chance at convincing anyone.

"sure," you giggled. "but think about it. he kept me to himself all this time, and suddenly he's encouraging us to see each other without him? asking me about everything we do together..."

he swallowed. "everything?"

"everything," you breathed, eyes trained on his lips. "he knows i'll always go back to him, and i think he's hoping i'll bring you with me."

he blinked at you, processing. "is that what you're doing? bringing me back to him?"

"only if that's something you're interested in," you stated, cocking your head.

"him, you mean?"

you thought a second. "yes?"

you watched him blink repeatedly, seemingly considering the concept. he thought back to all the nights that became early mornings, laughing and joking with the architect since before he had even an ounce of notoriety. he thought of how jeonghan had reached out to him again a few long years later, and the way he had insisted on paying every time they got food. he wondered if there had been something happening that he hadn't noticed, his oblivious nature getting the best of him again. he thought about when things changed, when they met less often and jeonghan seemed quieter around him. and months later, when he started mentioning you.

"maybe," he said finally, mind whirling. "i don't know, i've never thought about it."

you nodded, putting your arms over his shoulders and swaying lightly to the music. "take your time," you said, smiling when his forehead pressed against yours. "we'll wait for you."

[i-need-air]

King & Queen. – Bakugou Katsuki x F!Reader.

Summary: Fluff, Baku being extra while confessing, social media shenanigans.

Word count: 1784.

It's 4 AM, I'm a mess but I needed to get this off my chest. I'm testing the waters with my writings, it's been forever since I wrote anything and I wanted to throw myself a little bit into the fandom I've been obsessed with for the past months. I do hope you enjoy it. ♥

Bakugou Katsuki took pride in having such a large following online. Ever since the first year UA Sports Festival, both his Twitter and Instagram accounts got thousands and thousands of followers, mostly crushing over him and others just hating on him, and in both ways he loved the attention.

The Aesthetics™ he had were always on point and his Twitter was just filled with one sentence tweets, re-tweets of famous heroes, a somewhat dry, dark and/or sarcastic meme from time to time, only and only if it fit (again) his aesthetics. Sometimes he'd engage with the Bakusquad, specially Kaminari and Mina, both very active users, and [Y/N], answering to her tweets with a one word roast and little more.

After the second year UA Sports Festival though? His social media reached the 100k mark, skyrocketing into a small celebrity as he won the first place for two years in a row. But what made him reach such a large number was the way he won. Their battle for the first place was insane, such a difference compared to what he had to deal with Todoroki in the past. [Y/N] put an amazing fight, there's no doubt to that, but the woman overused her quirk and he knew her weakness, mostly since he sometimes (rarely, almost never, pft) observed her train with Icy-Hot or Deku. It was a spectacle to watch and it has even been televised for a whole week afterwards, critics applauding how promising UA's students were. And that's how it all started.

The shipping.

Images and even fucking edited music videos of their fight were everywhere. It was so obvious both of them enjoyed the fight, the little grins they shared as they attacked each other, the small comments both threw and the camera and mics everywhere picked, the look Bakugou Katsuki gave [Y/N] when she kicked his ass. Such an adoration, followed by his insane grin, ready for a challenge. The look [Y/N] gave him, as he took the first place medal with pride from Endeavor, thriving at the applauses from the public. Stars were put to shame compared to the sparks in her eyes. Oh, and the moment their orbs made contact exactly after that? The chemistry.

Bakuy/n was one of their names online, apart from variations of their hero names mixed together. The fandom was slowly picking up a name, mostly going with the first mentioned. And Katsuki? He was fucking aware of everything. Her social media was on radio silence, but this event made him think. Actually think, not half-ass an idea and just throw himself head on into it. And the conversation he overheard was just making him plot now.

Mina and [Y/N] were actually discussing this exact topic. The pink girl was thriving for it. Her Twitter account was now filled with subliminal messages about love and it made her poor friend anxious. Basically because this issue hasn't been addressed at all with Bakugou and she planned to keep it that way. Yet Mina, sweet, adorable, loving Mina was just pressing on it really badly, but thankfully she never did when both sides of Bakuy/n were in the same room/conversation.

"Isn't it like so romantic?" Mina's eyes shined, hands clapped, her gaze looking somewhere in the distance, daydreaming.

"No, it's not, it's weird..." her [h/c] haired friend answered, falling more into the couch of their living quarters, trying to hide from the world.

"It would be if it wasn't obvious you pin for each other!"

"Oh, god, please stop saying that."

"You're not denying it though!"

"MINA!"

Laughter coming from the pinkette filled the room as the blond man decided not to interrupt and leave, small grin on his face as [Y/N]'s groans just told him what he needed to hear. She definitely did not deny the attraction and whatever chemistry they had.

Which leads to the current situation.

The girl was sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for Ochaco and Mina to come around, phone in hand as she scrolled mindlessly through Twitter, watching as her most recent tweet, the first one in ages, was getting attention. She giggled at Denki's stupidity, as he just posted a selfie of himself drenched in Diet Coke clearly in the UA bathrooms. Checking his replies she saw the boy she's been [kinda, lowkey, just a lil bit] trying to avoid for the past days.

[@BakugouKatsuki:]

"Dumbass."

[@MissPinky:]

"So THAT'S WHY U NEEDED MINTS!?!!!!!?? 🤣

She giggled again, entertained by her friends when her interactions just exploded. App actually crashed as she blinked while munching on some french fries dumbly.

As she tried to open her app again, both her friends landed by the table, joking about Kaminari and his never ending stupidity. Notifications popped again and again, legit confusing the girl to no end, making her ignore her two friends as they asked her what was going on, mainly because of her expression.

"The hell...?" she muttered, throwing the phone down while Twitter took its sweet, sweet time to load and open and just as she opened her mouth to answer Mina, she made eye contact with some very intense red eyes.

Clasping her mouth shut and ignoring Ochaco as she took [Y/N]'s phone to see what's going on, the girl could only focus on Bakugou, sitting a few tables away, facing her direction. She almost shivered in place under the intensity he was giving away, although his position was laid back, phone in one hand, chin in the other. And, again, gaze on her. He barely even blinked, his neutral expression giving nothing away and she knew she was blushing. Why was she a blushing mess under his gaze? Well, answer was obvious for everyone, even the whole internet now, but oh, she wished Bakugou Katsuki wasn't that sharp. Who are we kidding though?

Ochaco started to shake her out of her daze, interrupting the intense eye contact battle as she shoved her phone in her face.

"Oh. My. God." She muttered, stuttering her following words "Please, look at this, I can't believe it... Mina, check Twitter."

"If Kaminari threw Diet Coke and Mints in one of the bathroom toilets to 'experiment', I'm done with him." Mina responded but froze in place, just as [Y/N] looked away from the explosive boy. "Wait... WAIT!" her eyes almost popped out of her skull. "WHAAAAAAA–?!"

On the screen of her phone was the profile of the guy she's been crushing for... A year now? The guy that at first ignored her, then screamed at her, then beat her ass in training, then got his ass beaten by her, that scoffed at her shitty jokes, that actually chuckled at her shitty jokes, that studied with her, that smiled at her... The guy that complimented her when her quick improved. The guy that took her opinion seriously even when acting like he didn't care. The guy that stole her heart when he showed little glimpses of his complex persona only to her. The guy that fucking retweeted:

[@onlybakuy/nhere:]

"King & Queen."

And a picture attached, them shaking hands after their battle, ready to go get prepared for the podium. Bloodied, sweaty, yet both smiling at each other.

"I can't believe this–[Y/N]–" The brunette started rambling and fangirling besides her, but... With a careful glance, she peeked under her eyelashes to look at the boy again, her heart almost stopping when noticing he was still observing, small grin on his face hidden behind his hand, perfectly angled for her to see. "There's another one!"

Everything started to make sense, as she quickly checked her notifications to see the Internet™ just going crazy over that retweet. People started mass-following her, fans and stans just living for it, tagging her username with a screenshot of the retweet and now it hyped up again with... pictures of his profile? Did he change his description? He... changed his description. While there was absolutely nothing in there, now there was one single word. King.

Her eyebrows just rose so high her forehead hurt, the 3 braincells that were still somehow functioning were catching up to what the hell was going on and now she was positive, 100%, without a doubt that she was blushing like a mad-woman, a smile forming on her lips as she hit the retweet button on the same tweet he did and instantly opening her profile to edit.

Both her friends were freaking out by her side, accusing her of being way too calm in this situation, to explain but [Y/N] knew she couldn't utter any word, or even look up at them or at him. If she did, she'd break the spell, the moment, and as she deleted her description and only wrote a single word in her profile, her smile only widened. Hearing Mina screech after seeing her retweet, the girl giggled like an idiot.

Bakugou Katsuki was loud, brash, maybe a little bit emotionally constipated, rough around the edges, incredibly smart, observing, caring, awful with words but straight to the point with actions. And he was, without a doubt, fucking extra when doing things.

As she pressed the button Save on her profile, she caught him looking at his phone, being patted on the back by Kirishima, that somehow appeared in the frame yet was so distant in her field of vision as only he mattered at the moment. Waiting his reaction patiently and waiting for the internet to start freaking out again, her chest was hurting from the drumming of her heart. Hell, she knew she looked like a disaster with a flushed face, phone gripped so hard in her hand that it could break, a group of girls forming around her, noisy yet so distant. The world going in slow motion, seeing his crimson eyes widen for a fraction of a second, hiding more of his face in the palm of his hand as he still tried to look so casual, Kirishima's "Yeaaaaaaaah!" filled her ears as he tapped his finger on the screen, destination already clear. And when he saw what he needed...

He got up, leaving his tray of food behind, shit-eating grin basically parting the sea of people forming around them both as he marched towards where she was seated, and for the third time they made eye contact. His cheeks flushed, such a boyish expression coveting his normally angry features, mischievous and happy, relieved, just... Perfect.

Everything went in slow motion for her, his march, decisive and bold, as he always was, took to an end as he got to her, just giving her a hand and a raised brow, inviting her to leave with him anywhere but there.

And she took it without hesitation.

[akp-1327]

dear diary // chapter six

Hey! Here’s the next chapter! Also, before you delve into it, I just wanted to inform you about how gloomy this chapter is. It’s a major turning point for the series, though! I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading. ❤️

As always, find the series masterlist here to catch up! :)

Pairings: Ajay Bhandari x f!MC (Charlotte Parker), Skye Crandall x f!OC (Leila Maciel)

Word Count: 4.4k

(*) Warnings: mentions of bankruptcy and dementia.

(Buckle up for an emotional roller coaster, everyone...)

“Hi, Ajay.”

Charlotte looked worse than she had this morning when she was dealing with her hangover. Now, as she stood helplessly in front of me, she looked like she was about to cry.

“Charlotte, are you alright?” I asked, knowing what her answer would be right off the bat. With a purse of her lips, she looked down at the floor and slowly shook her head. She finally met my eyes and let her own fill with tears, her walls slowly crashing down.

“No, not really.”

I instantly waved her in and closed the door. Rory was out with a few friends that had just arrived on campus, so I probably wasn’t going to see him until morning. That was okay; Charlotte didn’t look like she was ready to leave anytime soon when she was perched on my bed, wiping desperately at her tears.

“What happened?” I questioned softly, coming to sit beside her. 

I wasn’t usually the crying-on-the-shoulder type, so I honestly felt out of place in this situation. Although, despite my inexperience, she answered.

“When I got back after our coffee trip, Leila and I got into a huge argument about what happened last night.” Charlotte sniffled, her voice breaking as more tears rolled down her cheeks. Without knowing what to say, I wrapped a hesitant arm around her shoulders to try and console her. I felt her tense up underneath my arm, leading me to assume I went too far. 

I was about to pull away before she huddled closer to me, leaning her head on my shoulder. Of course, I tried my best to ignore how my heart started to thunder in my chest at the action, but that’s unimportant right now.

After a few beats of silence, I found my voice again. I still didn’t know whether or not I’d been doing this whole ‘consolation’ thing properly, but talking seemed to alleviate her emotions, even if it was temporary. 

“Did she apologize for what happened?”

Charlotte shook her head, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “No. I guess she was angry at me, too.”

“Why?” My eyes widened and my embrace around her tightened by just a fraction. It was such a small movement but I could tell it was something she noticed by the way she wrapped her arms around me, clinging to me as if I’d disappear.

“She thinks that I’m dependent on her protection,” Charlotte said, her voice still unsteady, “and...and I just...” She broke down into sobs, her shoulders heaving and her arms tightening around my torso. Yet again, I had no idea what to do, so I frowned,

Just this morning she’d been upbeat. She was fatigued, sure, but she was herself nonetheless. Now, she was the complete opposite. It...well...it hurt my heart. 

(Dammit.).

I failed to muster a response before she started to speak again.

“I didn’t tell you about my parents’ diner, did I? About what happened?”

I started shaking my head when she pulled back to compose herself. It was barely a second before she crossed her arms tightly around herself. She was silent in deep thought for a minute, her eyes trained on Rory’s unmade bed across the room.

“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.” I muttered softly, though she sniffled and looked back up at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much hurt, so much pain, so much despair, in my life aside from her eyes in that moment. The blue irises that gazed into mine were overflowing with such a depressing sadness that I was rendered speechless.

Of course, she had beautiful eyes. She had a beautiful smile, too. Everything about her was just beautiful, even when she was at her lowest point like this.

“I do want to,” Charlotte breathed, nodding to herself in a way that seemed forced, almost as if she’d reminded herself that she wanted to, “you’re the best person I can talk to.”

Things with Leila, her best friend, must be seriously messed up. It’s been about two weeks since we met and she’s already crying on my shoulder.

I nodded wordlessly in understanding (because I still couldn’t find the right words to say) and let her continue.

“The day I got here, I called my mom. She told me how their diner had gone bankrupt,” Charlotte said, her voice now clear and consistent, “then, to top it all off, the building got condemned. It’s never really been in the best condition, but it’s always been like that. We’ve never had the best finances, either, so we couldn’t get anything permanently fixed.”

She buried her head in her hands. “I don’t know what to do, or what to think. I basically grew up there, y’know? It hurts to hear, but it hurts even more to know that I’m not at home with my family. And then everything with Leila and the stress of classes starting soon...”

“Oh my god,” I whispered, surprising her (and myself; I mean, I finally found my vocal chords!), “that sounds like a living hell.”

Charlotte cracked a wry laugh, immediately easing the growing knot in the pits of my heart. Even if it didn’t sound like her usual chortle, I deemed that it was better than her sobbing into my shoulder. 

“Oh, I can assure you that it is.”

“What a poor, poor reassurance,” I sighed, “can I give you some advice?” 

I watched her nod solemnly before I started.

“For starters, you’re strong. I don’t think you’re dependent on Leila’s protection because you wouldn’t be here if you were,” I said, watching her reaction carefully. It had been my job as a director to read people’s character and emotion and give them advice on how to improve; these circumstances hadn’t been much different...besides the fact of not literally directing her around.

“Second. You need to know that it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to share your emotions and opinions. You don’t need to bottle everything up all the time, especially when something big like this is bothering you.” I heard (and felt) my voice soften. I don’t exactly know why - maybe it was because of how calm the moment felt or because I didn’t want to worry her - but I did know that she was listening carefully because of her newly-formed expression of confusion.

“How did you know I was holding everything in?” Charlotte questioned. I simply smiled.

“I’m a director, remember? I know lots of things.” I teased, watching an unconvinced smile spread across her features. So I sighed and told her the truth. “I have lots of experiences with keeping my emotions hidden from the world. Plus, from what I’ve heard, you’re the instituted older sibling; I just happen to know all about that.”

“Oh.” She breathed. It sounded vulnerable. “That’s very observant of you, mister director.”

(Why are my cheeks starting to heat up? Whatever. Um. Advice. Respond to her. Um.)

“Not observant,” I corrected, giving her a tender and understanding smile whilst ignoring my growing sheepishness, “experienced.”

And then I watched as the silent wish I had in my mind came true; she smiled. It was such a brilliant thing; I couldn’t move, think, breathe, or function like a normal human being for a whirlwind of a second. It was something alleviating, breathtaking, and mesmerizing all at once.

“Ah, right. You have lots of...experience.” Charlotte laughed, giving me a thankful look before rubbing at her eyes. I just noticed how exhausted she looked and instantly felt guilty for keeping her awake. It was almost half past ten and I knew she was a night owl, but her eyes were growing bleary and she let out an occasional yawn.

“I do.” I hummed, gingerly reaching for her hand. I don’t really understand why I did; it just seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. To let her know I was here for her. “And if you need to talk about anything else like this, I’m here. Okay?”

Her cheeks burned bright pink when I grazed my thumb over the back of her hand. I’ve noticed that her hands are always impossibly soft and comfortingly warm. 

“Okay.” Charlotte nodded. A moment of silence passed, and then another, and then a whole two minutes passed without any conversation; it wasn’t awkward or weird or anything, but it had definitely been different. The air between us seemed to thicken. Her blue eyes looked up to meet mine again and I immediately knew why the moment had felt so different. Emotions like vulnerability and relief swirled around her irises.

She trusted me.

We continued to gaze at each other for what felt like hours, mindlessly but also knowingly, before she cleared her throat and pulled away. I took my hand back and the moment ended. 

I immediately missed the warmth of her hand in mine.

“Thank you, Ajay. Seriously.” Charlotte breathed, standing up. “I owe you one.”

I smiled and shook my head. “I disagree. I was just doing what nice friends do.”

Charlotte rolled her eyes but still grinned. “Nice friends accept an offering from another friend.” she winked, pulling me into a hug so quick I barely had time to react. She was halfway out the door before I processed her quick embrace. “I’ll get you coffee or something sometime and I can promise that you’ll never see it coming. Goodnight.”

Before I could retort, she was gone with a flourish. She closed the door softly, leaving me with my thoughts.

*

*

August 23rd, 2020

Dear Diary...

Wow. Three entries within the span of a month? Wow, I’m genuinely shocked. Anyway. I have something to say, and I think it might be urgent...in a sense.

Charlotte. Remember her? Yeah. I think something’s happening with our...friendship. And in a really good way. Over the past couple days, she’s been looking at me differently. Talking to me differently. Smiling at me more. She even pokes my arm...which has never happened before? It’s far from usual, but at the same time...I’m getting used to it.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I shouldn’t be letting myself do this. I shouldn’t be letting myself grow closer to her. With every passing day, I keep allowing myself to spend time with her in the way that will eventually kill me. I know what’s going to happen: she’ll audition for the show, get a lead part, and forget about me. I’ll be heartbroken...again.

I don’t know what these feelings mean. Wait. Maybe I do, actually; I just don’t want to admit the truth to myself because the truth scares me. A lot.

So. That’s really it. Unless you want to hear about my “home life” problem? Well then, do I have news for you. I haven’t visited Amma, Mo, or Jim in almost a year and have been purposefully putting it off out of the fear that they won’t accept me as their family. (This is basically stemming off the fact of me “spending lots of time” with my dad over summer...)

Anyway. That’s about it. I’m seriously considering the thought of not directing the show this year so I can actually breathe with the whole Charlotte situation, but I don’t think Olson would like that. He always says that I’m the “most qualified” and “better seasoned” student he has.

Why must everything in my life be so confusing? 

Ajay

*

*

The air had slowly grown colder over the next week, signaling flannel season. Pumpkin spice season. Spooky season, as Rory called it. It was finally September; the start of autumn and the school year. 

Erin asked me to go shopping with her at a local craft store. She needed new autumn decorations and, by some sort of force, I just happened to be the only one free on the last Saturday before class officially started on Tuesday. So here we were; walking into a large corner store I’d never seen before with a small basket on Erin’s arm.

“Look at all of the leaf garlands...” Erin smiled, pointing at all the aisles. She eagerly looked around at all the decorations. I, in all honesty, could spend the entire day in this store. It was so tranquil.

...But don’t tell anyone that. 

“Ajay! Look at this!” Erin held up a small pair of purple and orange striped witch legs with black boots. “It’d be right up Skye’s alley! We could hang it outside the door.”

Without further explanation, she tossed it into her basket and proceeded to the next aisle with Halloween decorations. She glanced at a few before continuing on. Erin isn’t a Halloween person; she doesn’t get scared easily, but she just doesn’t like how cheesy the holiday is.

“You seem to be doing better,” I said nonchalantly, showing her a miniature pumpkin that looked like a paper weight. She took the pumpkin but didn’t respond until she placed it in her basket.

“I am.” Erin said just as casually. It was quite...infuriating, to say the least.

We continued to walk around the store, the odd encounter almost forgotten until we got to the fake flower aisle. Erin took a faux orchid into her hands and looked at it wistfully, twirling the plastic stem between her fingers.

“These...are my grandma’s favorites.” She whispered, her voice faltering.

Oh, no.

“Erin?” I questioned, watching as she shook the emotion away and put the orchid back. It was faint, but I watched several emotions flash through her eyes. Pain, grief, longing.

She walked away from the orchids without looking back and instead picked up a yellow rose further down the aisle.

“I could cut the stems off of these and decorate a stick wreath with them. Maybe add a few orange cosmos and red daisies? Oh, and maybe--”

“That’d look nice,” I hummed, cutting her off. She took some artificial baby’s breath and added it to the mix, not meeting my eyes.

Clearly she was ignoring what had happened with the orchid. 

I remember Erin talking about her grandma all the time - the amazing woman in her life that had been a philanthropist within her community. I don’t remember her name, though I do remember that Erin adored her just as much as she adored Erin. The latter would ramble on and on about all the people her grandmother inspired (herself included) and loved to talk about how her grandmother taught her about living her life to the fullest.

Then, unexpectedly two summers ago, Erin’s notorious grandmother forgot about her birthday. Then she forgot her wedding anniversary. Then, unbelievably, she forgot about her career that she used to talk so much about. She had no recollection of what she’d accomplished, though when someone reminded her and talked about it in vivid detail, her memory would kick back in and she’d act like nothing ever happened.

The memory lapses continued over the course of freshman year, but she still fought to remember the people closest to her. It stayed that way for a while, but you could tell that it was becoming increasingly difficult for her to recall certain things.

Then, right before winter break of sophomore year, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Erin talked with me about it all throughout the entire course of break. How her grandma was put on all these medications and needed to be moved into a nursing home for daily care. How Erin was terrified that her grandma would forget about everything she ever loved, ever knew, ever experienced. She had every right to, as well; it was scary, especially for Erin. Her grandma was like her safe place, her shoulder to cry on. It could all be taken away.

Erin’s heart slowly broke as she watched her grandma’s strength slowly wither away. By the start of the summer, Erin’s grandma couldn’t even walk because she’d gotten so frail. The last time Erin and I talked about it, everything was as good as it could’ve been.

But by Erin’s mention of the orchid, I’m guessing it hadn’t been an easy summer for her or her family.

“Erin,” I said suddenly, catching her off-guard as she looked for a wooden wreath, “it happened, didn’t it?”

I absolutely hated and regretted the blunt delivery, but she seemed to understand. She looked down at her shoes and grimly nodded.

“The week before I arrived on campus, I took one last visit before school. I held her hand for a while and hoped, but she...didn’t remember me. No matter how many times I said my name or showed her pictures...” Erin breathed sadly, holding her palm up to look at. It shook the tiniest bit.

That’s why she’d been so...cold for the past couple weeks. Her grandma forgot about her. Not willingly, but, forgot about her nonetheless. This was what she was scared of most, and having it come true...

“I know this doesn’t help in the slightest, but I’m so sorry, Erin.” I whispered, placing my hand on her shoulder thoughtfully. She took a deep breath and shrugged.

“It’s not your fault, Ajay. It’s no one’s fault.” Erin whispered, failing to keep her voice even.

Erin shook her head again and sniffled before she took a small wooden wreath, gently placing it into her basket. She walked away after waving at me to follow her towards the register.

*

* 

After the whole situation with Erin, I just needed to relax. I got back to the dorm and started to get all my school supplies organized. It was just the therapy I needed. Rory even joined in when he got back from who knows where and played random songs from musicals he loves. I can’t even name them all. 

We talked about things, too. Serious things, like my tobacle with Charlotte. I didn’t go into much detail, but I could tell Rory picked up on a couple things. He knew me too well. Even throughout all of that, I didn’t mention Erin to him. I debated it, but then I remembered that it wasn’t something I should share. When she was ready, she’d say something. And, clearly, that wasn’t right now.

It was at least half past eleven when we decided to call it quits; or I decided, since Rory had been passed out on top of his blankets.

Before I settled in for bed, I sent a text to Charlotte.

I hadn’t heard from her all day. This wouldn’t have looked out of the ordinary to anyone else, but she usually sends these stupidly funny memes about theater throughout the day. I don’t even know where (or how, for that matter) she finds them.

Ajay: You okay?

It was nearly thirty seconds after I sent the message when she responded.

Charlotte: leila and i are still iffy but i’ve been alright. i’m pretty exhausted but overall okay...ish :)

Charlotte: how are you?

I really, really wanted to share how I was feeling. Not just about Erin’s struggles or my own, but about her. But, first of all, I was not going to be “that guy” to confess over text. Second of all, I didn’t even know how I would confess. I couldn’t turn the weird notions I had floating around in my mind into words.

Even if I could, I still doubt I’d tell her.

Ajay: Tired, as always. Also, would it kill you to capitalize your words?

I knew she’d have a witty response to this. She always had one to anything thrown her way. I quickly learned that it was one of her most quirky traits.

Charlotte: YES I WOULD, GRANDPA! I WOULD DIE OF UTTER SHOCK FROM PRESSING THE CAPS BUTTON ON THIS VERY SCREEN ALL THE TIME! YOU’RE GONNA ATTEND MY FUNERAL AND GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW AMAZING OF A FRIEND I WAS BECAUSE YOU JUST KILLED ME.

Such a dork.

Charlotte: there. hope that resolved the problem. oh, and i hope you can afford my funeral, you murderer.

Such a cute dork, one could say.

Ajay: Not especially to all of that, but I guess I can let that one slide. But I better not see any lowercase nouns on your audition form once the show rolls around.

And that’s the reason that’d always hold me back. Whenever I thought I’d worked up enough courage to actually formulate some thought about these feelings I had for her, I’d remember that she was a theater kid, and I don’t allow myself to get involved with them. Not after what happened with Kelly.

Charlotte: you really think i’m that unprofessional? how rude.

Charlotte: plus...i don’t even know if i’m doing the show yet. i feel like it might burn me out. i’m a workaholic when it comes to school.

A familiar feeling of hope lightened the dead weight of stress on my shoulders. I may actually have a chance; well, a chance without making myself relive bad memories. 

Ajay: I guess that makes sense. If you’re interested, auditions are on the 14th.

Charlotte: would you have a bias towards me because i’m your friend? 😉

Of course she’d ask that. Why wouldn’t she? This was Charlotte; she was the most curious person I’d ever met.

Ajay: Absolutely...not.

Charlotte: gosh diggity darn it. not even for me? i thought we were...like...besties or something. you hurt my fragile feelings. 🤧😭

God, why is she so cute? 

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud and had to hold a hand to my mouth to contain it before I woke Rory up. The last thing I wanted was his snarky question about why I’d been laughing while he was still half asleep.

Ajay: Apologies, but it’s against the rules. 

Ajay: Also, how would we be best friends when we’ve known each other for a little over a month? I don’t even know your favorite color or movie or animal. Oh, and even your birthday? This is all stuff that best friends know about each other.

Charlotte: green 💚 she’s the man ⚽️ penguins 🐧 December 28th, 2001 🎉

Charlotte: you?

I was playing a dangerous game here; I didn’t know if I wanted to win (stay friends and hold in my feelings forever)...but I didn’t know if I wanted to lose (tell her how I felt...eventually; once I knew), either.

Well, I guess you only live once, right?

Ajay: Green, The Bicycle Thief, octopi, and August 2nd, 2000. Relatively basic.

Charlotte: OMG HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! (ignore how it’s sept 4th please) 🎉🎉🎉 the big 20, right?

Ajay: Sadly, but shhh, I’m still 19 at heart. Don’t tell anyone.

Charlotte: my lips are sealed 🤐 and i have a question; it’s almost midnight. why’re you awake?

Stress? Was stress a good answer? I think it was. She didn’t have to know what I was stressed about. It was general but also just specific enough to pass as a viable excuse.

I don’t think it’d help if I confessed that some of it was because of her, either, so that was another good reason to just give a simple answer.

Ajay: Stress. Why’re you awake?

Charlotte: same reason. i also haven’t been sleeping well, if at all, since leila went to stay in skye and erin’s dorm.

Ajay: Wow, since your argument? That was more than a week ago. Erin hasn’t said anything and I haven’t heard from Skye in a few days.

Charlotte: leila has always been a bit dramatic when it comes to holding grudges. but, anyway, i should let you get some sleep. but before you go, do you wanna do something tomorrow? i think we both could use a break.

That sounded like an amazing idea. Just taking a breather from everything that’d been happening in my life. But...

Ajay: I was thinking of going to visit my family tomorrow.

Maybe this was just another one of my excuses to stop me from letting these feelings grow. I didn’t want to get my hopes up; there was still a possibility that she’d audition for the show.

Charlotte: oh, that’s okay! another time?

But, then again, I wasn’t exactly sure if I wanted to win or lose this game. And it’d be nice to have someone there with me.

Ajay: Would you want to do something tomorrow?

Charlotte: ...is this your way of asking me to go with you to visit your family?

Ajay: Maybe.

Yes.

Charlotte: well, as long as it’s alright with you, i’d love to tag along. if you wanted me there.

Ajay: It’s definitely alright. Is ten okay? It only takes like...half an hour to get there. Maybe we’ll stop and get coffee or something before we go.

Charlotte: cool beans! you know exactly how to persuade me. see you at ten :) please try to sleep well!

Ajay: Ditto.

Boom. Just like that. Simple as pie. I was going to visit family that I hadn’t seen in a year...with Charlotte.

Tomorrow. 

Yeah, there’s no way in hell that I’m actually getting any sleep tonight. 

Awesome, wow. Cue ‘The Reynolds Pamphlet’, because I felt like Hamilton at this very moment...an absolute idiot.

Still, it might be nice, right? 

Might. It just might.

It will be nice...with her company.

Ajay: :)

*

*

Walking to Charlotte’s dorm the next morning felt completely different than the last time. I vividly remember the walk; it was quick and painless. I had little to no butterflies fluttering around my stomach. I wasn’t hyperventilating. I wasn’t trying to wipe the sweat from my hands as I marched down the stairs and up to her door. 

My hands didn’t shake for a second that night, but now...I couldn’t find a way to keep them still.

That party brought us closer together than I ever thought imaginable. That party basically sparked this entire flame. It’s what made me realize that Charlotte could never be just a friend. She’d felt like something more for...for a while; sometime during the party, it just kind of became a thought. 

Even that night when she was showing her raw emotion, her concern for her family, her frustrations with Leila...it opened my eyes to what I could tell her with such honesty. It made me humor the thought of becoming the type of person to share my deepest and darkest secrets with someone.

This someone, somehow, just weaseled her way into my life without any warning.

Everything fit into place and everything was put into perspective the longer I went over the “what if’s” and “what could be’s”. The weird notions in my heart were now scripted...and there wasn’t a way to take their roles away. There wasn’t a way to write them out or scribble over their lines with pen. 

And...let me just say...this terrified the living hell out of me.

Putting myself and my already damaged heart out there and on the line again...didn’t seem worth it. It didn’t seem like something I could handle if it went wrong. But you know what seemed worth it? The slim chance that she saw me the same way, that she wanted to be something more.

Now, as I stood at her door, the ever increasing rate of my heart pounded in my ears. I hoped I could admit these thoughts to her today. Or do something that could give her a hint.

It’s crazy how something small, like a feeling that you had for a split second, can manifest into a overwhelmingly large tower of impending doom in such a short period of time. It felt like I had a small, irking suspicion that I liked her at the party, but...I knew for a fact that I liked her now. A lot more.

Dammit.

[mostlycompetentwriter]

It’s All About The Game- Part 1

Freshman Year

Pairing: OC x Seo Changbin (Stray Kids)

Genre: High School AU, Enemies to Lovers, Sports Fiction (basketball, man!)

Warnings: None (at least for this part)

Word Count: Almost 13,000

Summary: Kayda Reynolds is an introverted and highly intelligent student who has trouble making friends and prefers a quiet existence amongst her classmates. However, her life is about to become a lot more interesting when she accidentally captures the attention of her high school’s all-star basketball player, Seo Changbin.

Notes: My new series is officially here! Just for the record, I am indeed mostly competent because I totally forgot how driving laws work (as in, I’m in college now and I can’t remember the process I underwent to get my learner’s permit/license)... There might be some disparities but they don’t really affect the story itself. 

Freshman Year 

August

My first impression of Seo Changbin was incredibly unfavorable. The school’s all-star basketball player was extremely arrogant, egotistical, conceited to the point where he couldn’t see past his own obnoxiously handsome countenance, and terribly unlikeable. This might be difficult to concede when you consider the masses of students who follow him around like he’s some sort of bonafide celebrity. But I knew it had more to do with his handsome looks and wealthy upbringing as opposed to some sort of appealing personality. 

In fact, everything about Seo Changbin screamed expensive from the brand name Velour pants he insisted on wearing to the unnecessary Dior sunglasses perched attractively on the brim of his nose. The thought of paying more than a dollar or two for a decent pair of glasses was practically haunting for someone who was lucky to eat out once a month. But I’m sure Seo Changbin got whatever he wanted because his family was able to afford the finer luxuries in life courtesy of their pompous real estate business. 

Of course, I want to firmly establish that I am in no way jealous of Seo Changbin. On the contrary, I feel sorry for someone who can’t even realize that their popularity stems from the most materialistic means possible. I mean, he’s a good basketball player, and I’ve heard rumors that the men’s Varsity coach was heavily scouting him. But, as a basketball player myself, that’s the extent of the compliments I would ever allow.

And I remember the first time I ever met Seo Changbin because he had just transferred to our middle school. Everyone was talking about him, and I was curious myself because I had never seen any of my classmates so excited to welcome a potential transfer. But on the first day of tryouts, when the girls and boys were forced to share the gym together, I figured out why the others wouldn’t stop talking about the mysterious boy.

You see, Seo Changbin might be contemptuous, but not without due cause. The young athlete was an outstanding ballplayer, moving up and down the court with impossible speed. He could shoot from every point on the floor and held some sort of record for most steals in a single game. It was intimidating, to say the least, and I finally understood why everyone was so enamored.

I remember watching Changbin from afar while the rest of us ran through our drills. And I, of course, didn’t know him very well, so my naive adolescent self was not aware of the nasty attitude hiding beneath that impressive talent. But it would be the first and last time I ever made that mistake.

“Let’s scrimmage the boys,” our coach had randomly suggested to which we all groaned in complaint. “It’ll be good for you,” she insisted, blatantly ignoring our protests.

“It’s embarrassing,” one of our players whined. The poor girl had a crush on one of the more popular members of the boy’s team, an impeccable shooting guard who hardly ever missed a point.

Regardless of our input, both coaches made the arrangement and I found myself bringing the ball up the court while staring down the school’s newest recruit. Now, I don’t want to sound self-deprecating, but sixth grade was not my shining year as a basketball player. I had only started playing the year before and, despite my substantial progress, I wasn’t very good. But nothing could be more demeaning than repeatedly finding yourself on the receiving end of Seo Changbin’s impeccable ability to steal the ball from right under your hands, leaving you behind in the dust as he coasted the court to score countless layups because of your incompetence. Not to mention the one time I attempted to block his layup and the arrogant asshole left me lying on my ass after lowering his shoulder (which was, and still is, heavily illegal) to make a shot.

After that practice ended, I quickly left the gym before any of those horrible boys had the chance to mock me for my failed efforts. And from that day on, I worked relentlessly to become a better player, fixing my fundamentals and building a steady foundation to improve my abilities as a point guard. Nevertheless, the humiliation stayed with me, providing a haunting presence every time I messed up during a game and watched a rival player steal the ball or block my shots.

And it might not be fair to blame Changbin since he was just playing the game, and I initially gave him the benefit of the doubt, but he proved just how despicable he was the following day at school. You see, I can recall standing at my locker to exchange textbooks, mindlessly occupied with an assignment weighing heavily on my subconscious. Suddenly, without any sort of warning, the devil himself slammed my locker shut, leaning against the wall while wearing an evil smirk. “Did you enjoy getting your ass kicked yesterday?” the newcomer taunted me, glancing back at his new friends who laughed at the comment.

I attempted to ignore him, re-trying my combination, but Changbin simply pressed his hand against the door. “I asked you a question.”

I let out a tired sigh. “Please don’t.”

Changbin sneered and I knew I had made a fatal error by not walking away when the opportunity had first presented itself. “Don’t what? Were you expecting me to hold your hand? Lead you down the court and stand aside so you might make a shot?”

A crowd had gathered around us. “How the hell did you even make the basketball team in the first place?”

My face was an unpleasant shade of red. “I don’t think you’re qualified to ignore me. Don’t you know who I am?”

Just walk away, I repeatedly chanted to myself as I let out a deep exhale. Changbin roughly grabbed my arm, ignoring my protests. “Do us all a favor and quit before you embarrass the entire school.”

The sounds of my classmates’ laughter followed me all the way to the front office where I feigned a headache. My mother came to pick me up from school later, attributing my tears to my non-existent ailment, driving me home in the backseat of our minivan so that I could cry alone in the solitude of my bedroom.

Throughout the remainder of middle school, I suffered under an endless barrage of torment from Changbin. By the time my eighth grade year had arrived, most of my classmates seemed to understand that I was Changbin’s little punching toy, standing aside as they observed our encounters. A display of teasing that only I was forced to endure because Changbin never really bothered anyone else in the same way.  

I was fed up with everything and everyone, including my bitchy teammates who often complained about extra workouts. Or, in the case of one glorious spring evening, being forced to scrimmage the men’s team yet again. Because, apparently, that was just the worst thing that could ever possibly happen.

“Against the boys?” Lucy cried, our starting forward desperate to change our coach’s mind.

But she was stoic. “It will help me see where we need to improve before the next game.”

I nodded my agreement, vacantly paying attention as I eyed the gathered boy’s team warming up on the opposite end of the court. They were all standing around Seo Changbin like the useless droids they were, obedient to their master. How could anyone be so subservient? 

And I could easily recall the last time Changbin and I had scrimmaged one another. It was impossible to forget because of the tragic conclusion, marking the starting point of his teasing I received on a daily basis. Perhaps anyone would shy away from the possibility of enduring that mortification once again.

However, this time I was determined, and our coach was surprised when I requested to guard Seo Changbin. “He’s the best player,” she argued half-heartedly since nobody on my team was really capable of defending him.

“I can manage,” I told her with a nod.

Which is why, after the game began, I carefully approached Changbin as he dribbled down the court in my direction, studying him with rapt attention. Almost immediately I determined that he favored his right hand, which wasn’t uncommon in young point guards. So I forced him to go left, detecting weakness in the slight fumble to his rhythm.

For the remainder of the first quarter, I kept my distance from Changbin, mostly going through the motions as I made mental notes of where I might take advantage. I was rather good at that sort of thing, studying my opponents with far more attention than most people allow. But everyone had a weakness, including Seo Changbin.

It had happened a few minutes into the second quarter. One moment, Changbin was confidently calling out a play while mindlessly dribbling at the top of the key, when at the next, his jaw was practically touching the floor as I swiped the ball right out of his hands. I hustled to the opposite goal, easily managing a perfectly executed layup while my teammates, for once, cheered me on from the sidelines. Changbin’s eyes were wide with wonder when I marched over to poke him in the center of his chest. “I don’t mess around, Seo.”

He leaned in closer, amusement evident in his countenance. “Game on, Reynolds.”

September

Leaving for school in the morning was always a dramatic affair, especially since I was forced to ride with an older neighbor who clearly despised the arrangement. However, considering the numerous benefits my parents offered, including free transportation courtesy of the Honda my father bought for me, I could tell she was reluctantly grateful. And since I was still too young to qualify for my learner’s permit, I was forced to rely on someone else to avoid the dreaded bus system.

Unfortunately, there were always other drivers to worry about: a chaotic mixture of adults racing to get to their boring office jobs on time while adolescent teenagers disregarded speed limits signs because they decided to sleep past their alarms. I was one of the few who chose to leave later simply because I didn’t appreciate the hassle of having to talk to other people before classes started. Instead, I liked to show up moments before the first bell rang, finding my desk at the front of my homeroom class for mandatory attendance.

However, despite the apprehensive task of minding other inconsiderate idiots on the road, I had grown complacent on my morning commute. After all, as long as my mostly indifferent neighbor paid close enough attention, we could usually keep ourselves out of any possible trouble. Of course, for this morning in particular, I suppose we had done our absolute best but some people are impossible to predict.

As soon as the initial stupor of being rear-ended faded away, I shot out of the car and immediately paced around to the back, groaning when I realized the idiot driver behind us had destroyed my bumper. I carefully fought back tears, hating the idea of having to call my parents and tell them the Honda was a total wreck. But what else could I do when my car looked like it had seen its final moments?

“Reynolds?”

I swallowed hard as I turned to meet the amused gaze of Seo Changbin, AKA the idiot driver who had successfully ruined my morning. And the only person who still insisted on calling me by my last name like he had done since the sixth grade. “Of course,” I grumbled, watching him as he approached with way too much swagger in his gait.

“You ruined my new paint job!” Changbin exclaimed, ignoring his obviously pissed off passenger who was currently cursing at my incensed neighbor.

“Is that really the problem?” I questioned, studying the arrogant boy with clear disdain, compliments of years of withheld hostility.

“What the hell, Reynolds?” Changbin spat at me, kneeling down to observe the ruined front end of his expensive Corvette.

“You ran into us!” I protested, fumbling with my cellphone as I tried to call the emergency number. “How did you even get a learner’s permit?”

Changbin’s eyes widened when he realized what I was doing, reaching over to cover my phone screen with his hand. “You don’t need to do that, Reynolds, I can just write you a check.”

I frowned as he reached into the front seat of his car, grabbing a pen and his book. “How much do you want? It’s probably an old model anyway, it shouldn’t cost more than a couple hundred dollars. Maybe you can invest in a newer car and get rid of this piece of shit.”

I let out a ragged sigh.

In hindsight, I suppose it might have been better if I had just simply allowed Changbin to write me a check. After all, I could have probably swindled the idiot into writing me more than what the damage was worth. But something inside of me had finally cracked, breaking down every wall I had attempted to build around the insults he taunted me with through the hallways, the arrogant comments he threw my way during basketball practices, and the never-ending attempts to get a rise out of me. So, for this incident, in particular, I wasn’t prepared to passively accept whatever he thought his arrogant ass could get away with. I was fed up with Seo Changbin and everything that he stood for. Perhaps this was my chance to finally prove a point, and I was willing to take complete advantage.

“You asshole,” I gritted out, harshly shoving against an unsuspecting Changbin who actually stumbled back from my unexpected attack. “I don’t want your filthy money! My car was just fine before you decided to text on your iPhone and smash into my bumper. Not everyone has the privilege of mommy and daddy filling their back account with blood money so that you can buy everything you want in life. My parents saved for years to buy me this car just so that I could get to school every morning. Now, thanks to you, my car won’t ever be the same and I’ll have to use the bus and spend more of the money we don’t have just to get here on time!”

Changbin was stunned into silence, eyes wide and appraising as he gaped at me like a glorified clown. But I, apparently, wasn’t finished with my unexpected tirade. “I don’t care that you have a lot of money. I don’t care that your girlfriend is a whore. I don’t care that you can make thirty points in a basketball game because you never pass the ball to your teammates. I just want to get these four years in peace. In fact!” I started, taking a deep breath, “I’ll be better off with you as far away from me as possible! Now, get the hell out of my way so that I can file a report to the police. Hopefully, they revoke your learner’s permit. Although, you can probably just get another overpaid driver to take you to school while I suffer every morning.”

I lifted my cellphone to my ear, placing the call with a shaky hand while explaining to the lady on the other end everything that had happened. “Are you injured ma’am?” she asked me.

I actually smiled at the seemingly innocuous question. “I’m just fine.”

October

Basketball tryouts were rapidly approaching and I was working harder on shooting drills as opposed to benign biology reports. Every evening when I finally got home from school, courtesy of my patched up Honda Civic and still-seething neighbor, I would change into work-out clothes and spend hours outside at the basketball goal until my mother called me in for dinner. I was desperate to make a good impression, scavenging video footage of last year’s Varsity team while doing everything in my power to stay on the head coach’s radar, like picking up leftover equipment from the Freshman gym classes or volunteering to mop the court after hours.

Basketball had become important to me and I was determined to do everything in my power to succeed. Thus, when the first day of try-outs began, I could already beam with pride when the coach called out my name and offered a generous welcome before moving on with the remainder of the students. Flashing an award-winning smile, even after enduring sprint marathon running, I managed to successfully make it past the first day with shining colors. 

“Kayda Reynolds,” my coach called out for me after practice, “excellent job today.”

I was on cloud nine, carefully packing my duffel bag, ignoring the accompanying men’s team hopefuls who had just entered the gym for their session. As I was zipping the top closed, I noticed a bright yellow sneaker had just entered my peripheral vision. I turned around slowly, groaning when I saw Seo Changbin standing directly behind me. I tried to ignore him, tossing my bag across my shoulder, but the irritating boy simply walked in front of me, forcing me to a halt. “Hey, listen, Reynolds,” he started sheepishly with uncharacteristic shyness, “I’m sorry about your car. I hope they fixed it at the garage.”

I glared in his direction. After our parents had shown up to the scene, Changbin’s father recommended a nice body shop nearby that did a lot of work for them. He promised to pay the costs to repair my car, fixing his son with a reprimanding glare that actually left the great Seo Changbin wilting under that stern look. “It’s fine,” I offered in response, pushing past Changbin as I hurried to the door.

“No, Reynolds, I’m serious,” Changbin tried again, grabbing my arm and pulling me back. It was difficult to ignore the sudden flashback, reminding me of a similar scene from my sixth grade terror years. I jerked my arm out of his grip and he allowed it with only a questioning brow. “I hope it’s just the same as it was.”

“Look, Changbin,” I sighed, “I don’t really have time for a conversation. My car is fine, alright?”

Changbin hesitated, dark eyes studying me closely. “I’m really sorry, Reynolds.”

His apology brushed me the wrong way simply because I had never heard Seo Changbin genuinely apologize for anything in his life. “I don’t have time for your jokes,” I snapped in his direction. “If your father forced you to do this, then you can tell him mission accomplished, okay? I don’t want to deal with you anymore.”

I left him there in the middle of the gym, feeling a small sense of accomplishment and pride for standing up for myself once again.

November

The final members of the Varsity girl’s basketball team were announced at the end of the day. I was relieved to see my name amongst the list, even if it was the very last entrant. Nevertheless, I was in a good mood as I followed behind the crowd of my excited new teammates, clambering in the direction of my Honda, exhausted after another long practice. 

Unfortunately, such an exuberant celebration could only last for so long, and I paused in the middle of the parking lot when I realized a familiar silver Corvette was situated directly next to my Honda where my neighbor was waiting. I rolled my eyes when I realized Changbin was standing next to the car, arms crossed over his chest as he ignored the little giggles my teammates let out when they saw him. I contemplated returning to the gym and waiting for him to finally leave when he realized I wasn’t coming. Maybe he was dumb enough to think I had managed a ride home with someone else. 

“No,” I grumbled out loud, “even Changbin isn’t that stupid.”

I reluctantly traversed the remaining steps to my car, frowning when Changbin’s eyes finally located my hesitant form. “Reynolds,” he called out to me, opening the passenger side door of his stupidly expensive car to retrieve something, speaking in a low tone to the older student waiting in the backseat.

“What did I do to deserve this?” I wondered to whoever might be listening, wishing I could reverse time and do things over again from that fateful collision. Maybe I could convince the Kayda from September to leave home earlier, dismissing my concern to water my mother’s suffering plants. 

Nevertheless, I waited until Changbin pulled back from his car to hand me what appeared to be a roll of duct tape. “Is this another joke?” I asked wearily.

“It’s bumper guard,” he announced proudly, looking at me as if in profound expectation. 

“And?”

Changbin’s smile never wavered as he took the tape back from me and directed me to the back of my car. He measured out a long roll, patting it down against my new bumper guard. “It helps prevent scratches and scuff marks,” he explained while I stood there in confusion.

“Thanks?” I managed when he finally confronted me again.

“It’s no problem, Reynolds,” he said, patting the side of my Honda. 

“Uh-huh,” I muttered while reaching for my door handle. 

“I can get you anything you want, Reynolds,” Changbin spoke again, standing firmly in the way of allowing me to join my neighbor inside.

“Changbin,” I groaned, deciding to end this self-inflicted misery once and for all. “I don’t know why you’re suddenly doing these things, but you don’t have to anymore, alright? There’s no way your father could still be punishing you, and you don’t need to feel bad or whatever for what happened. I just want to move on.”

Changbin pursed his lips. “You don’t like the attention, Reynolds?”

I frowned at his comment. “Attention?”

Changbin chuckled, leaning back against his car. “I mean, it’s no secret that I’m a pretty big deal around here.”

And there was his never-ending supply of arrogance to resume normality.

“I thought it might be nice if I gave you some attention. You seemed really bent out of shape after the accident.”

I exhaled slowly. “You think I wanted your attention to make up for the hell you put me through?”

Changbin stuttered, eyes widening in surprise. “The hell I put you through? Reynolds, it was just a minor bump.”

“Fuck, Changbin,” I cursed, instantly regretting doing so. “It’s not just the accident, you’ve been an asshole since I first met you in the sixth grade. You’ve done everything possible to call me out despite the fact that I never wanted anything to do with you! Please at least grant me this one favor and stop bothering me.”

Changbin seemed at a loss for words. “You don’t like me?”

“Is it some big revelation that there might be someone on this planet who hates you?” I sneered. 

Changbin visibly deflated, if just for a brief moment. “You hate me, Reynolds?”

“Of course I do!” I practically shouted. “What made you think otherwise! Changbin, you’re the most conceited, arrogant asshole I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.”

“Come on, Reynolds,” Changbin tried to play it off. “I was just joking around.”

“Joking around?!” I fumed. “Changbin, you made me feel worthless when I was in sixth grade. I had just started playing basketball and you successfully made me want to quit. In fact, if it wasn’t for my dad, I probably would have taken your advice to drop off the team. Why would I ever like someone who always put me down because they thought they were superior to everyone else? You might have the rest of the school eating out of the palm of your hand, but you haven’t fooled me. For all the money your family has in the world, I would never want to be like you.” I muscled open my car door, glaring down Changbin as he took a step back. “This is me telling you to back off.”

December

The Christmas tournament was always an extravagant affair in our community. All the teams in the county, including rival conferences, were invited to our school for a series of competitive basketball games. It was an honor to compete and the committee in charge always held additional ceremonies to honor the players. For example, one of the most popular traditions allowed an MVP from each competing men’s team to choose a lucky girl as a recipient of their admiration. Likewise, the chosen player gave a rose to any girl he desired in the audience. It was a dismal affair, superficial in every way, and I could only cringe as I watched each subsequent display of “affection.” I was grateful that nobody ever bothered choosing me because I couldn’t handle that sort of arrogant display.

“Seo Changbin,” the coordinator announced while beckoning him forward. Changbin accepted his rose with an unnecessary bow, taking the microphone while all the girls in the gymnasium swooned at the sight. I spotted Changbin’s off-and-on again girlfriend waiting expectantly in the front row. I couldn’t remember if they were together now or not, since their break-ups were so frequent. 

“Thank you,” Changbin said to the coordinator before surveying the court. I froze when his eyes landed on me. “I pick Kayda Reynolds.”

Upon his declaration, I refused to remove from my spot on the bench, only reacting when my coach harshly dug her fingers into my shoulder, fixing me with a hard stare. I tried not to protest as I slowly made my way to center court, cheeks blushing with red. I took the rose Changbin extended in my direction, glaring him down as he returned my look with one of equal determination. His arm wrapped around my shoulders, bringing my stiffening form against his side for a picture. “I like a challenge, Reynolds,” he whispered, leaving me with a dumbfounded expression for the photographer to memorialize.

January

Christmas break ended far too soon, which meant I was confronted with the unwanted task of returning to school at 8:00 AM on a frigid Monday morning. Stepping outside with a coffee, the last thing I expected to see was Seo Changbin’s car waiting at the sidewalk with the man in question leaning out the window. “Reynolds!” he called for me. “Let’s go!”

I stormed over to Changbin with heavy steps. “What the hell is this?” I hissed through the window. “How do you know where I live?”

Changbin grinned. “It was written on the accident report.”

“Regardless,” I snarled, “I don’t need your help getting to school.”

“Reynolds,” Changbin tried again, “I’m trying to be nice.”

“I don’t want you to be anything,” I sighed. “I always ride with my neighbor in my car, and you obviously know that since you tried to total it!”

“But mine is nicer,” he arrogantly commented, “you can ride to school in luxury.”

“The only luxury I need is for you to be out of my life,” I said, glancing around quickly to make sure nobody was observing this odd exchange.

“You can’t bring that coffee in here,” Changbin continued. “I don’t want you spilling that shit on my interior.”

“I’m not riding with you,” I growled.

“Look, Reynolds,” Changbin smirked. “If you ride with me today, then I’ll leave you alone.”

Considering his recent pattern of behavior, the promise was rather shallow. “Really?”

“Let me clear my conscious,” Changbin said, smoothing his hands against the steering wheel. “Just one ride to school.”

“Is that all it takes?” I snorted, eyeing him suspiciously.

“What do you have to lose, Reynolds?”

“My pride,” I deadpanned, enjoying the frustration written across his countenance.

“You’re really hard to get along with, Reynolds.”

“You’re one to talk,” I quipped, letting out an exaggerated sigh. “Are you even allowed to drive with more than one person?”

“Does that really concern you, Reynolds?”

I rolled my eyes. “If this gets you off my back, then I’ll do it.”

I dumped my coffee cup into the trash bin at the end of the block before coming around to fumble with the door of Changbin’s car. “I turned your seat warmer on,” he informed me once I was securely inside.

“Thanks,” I muttered dryly, fastening my seatbelt as he abruptly toed the gas pedal, jerking the car forward with far too much speed. “Slow down,” I hissed. “No wonder you hit my car.”

“For your information, Reynolds,” Changbin said. “That was my first accident.”

“It’s true!” the same guy from the accident commented from the backseat. “Changbin is actually a good driver. He won’t need supervision for much longer.”

“Then I’m glad your first accident was me,” I remarked sarcastically, closing my eyes as I sent up a prayer for safety, only relaxing when Changbin pulled his car into a front row parking spot of our school’s student lot. “Great,” I huffed, “now leave me alone.”

“Hold on, Reynolds,” Changbin called out to me, ignoring the obvious way I hastened my steps as he easily fell into pace with me on the sidewalk. “What are you doing after school? We don’t have practice today, I can take you home.”

“I guess I have no choice since you drove me here,” I muttered, desperately trying to reach the front entrance. Hopefully, then, Changbin would wander off to find his ridiculous basketball friends.

“We could get something to eat?” he suggested calmly as if we were close acquaintances instead of mutual rivals.

“Didn’t you promise to leave me alone?” I whined.

“At least for today, Reynolds,” Changbin said with a pleading tone I wasn’t used to hearing from him.

“Don’t you have someone else you can go bother?”

“I like bothering you,” he teased, much to my chagrin. “But seriously, Reynolds, you know the Valentine’s dance is coming up?”

“And?”

“Basketball players are encouraged to go together.”

“You should try asking Monica,” I stated flatly, “I know she actually likes you.”

“I think we should go together, Reynolds,” he said, flooring me to a stop outside the doors.

“What?”

“You should be my date to the dance,” he rephrased carefully, gaze imploring. “I want to go with you.”

I rolled my eyes over his eager form. “I don’t like those things.”

“Just this once?”

“You keep saying that,” I sighed, “but you’re apparently horrible at keeping promises.”

“Kayda,” Changbin said, tone serious as he lightly grazed my arm, fingers wrapping around my shoulder. I was taken aback by the random use of my first name. “Please?”

“But you have a girlfriend,” I insisted, taking a step back to eliminate the unexpected contact between us. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Oh,” Changbin smirked, “is that why you keep turning me down? Trust me, Lisa and I aren’t together anymore.”

“I don’t really care,” I said, suddenly feeling the urge to turn down that possible justification. “Why do you even want to go with me?”

“Because,” he started, shuffling backward, “you’re a lot cooler than most of those girls.”

I blinked twice before managing a somewhat coherent response. “Excuse me?”

“You aren’t going with anyone,” Changbin said. “Even if you don’t like the dance, we can always leave early and do something else.”

Something truly strange must have happened to this boy over Christmas.

“I’m guessing you’ll keep bothering me until I say yes?”

Changbin brightened. “Probably?”

“Fine,” I conceded, “but I really don’t understand you, Changbin.”

And perhaps I never would.

February

“Aren’t they lovely?” my mother asked as she swooned over the roses my father had gifted her for Valentine’s day.

“Sure,” I mumbled because I could never understand why this kind of Holiday even existed.

Except to torture me, especially knowing what I was about to get myself into at the dance that evening.

“Kayda,” my mother gently chided me, “you don’t always have to be so negative.”

“I know,” I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“Do you need help getting ready for the dance tonight?”

I grimaced. “I’ll be fine.”

My mother, of course, had been positively ecstatic when she heard I was going to the school’s annual Valentine’s dance. It was mostly for underclassmen since Juniors and Seniors usually saved their time and effort for Prom. However, I happen to know that the whole event was exclusively designed so that adolescent teenagers could endure as much drama as possible before the evening had concluded.

“And with Seo Changbin,” my mother gushed. “He’s such a handsome young man.”

I guess she forgot about the fact that he had damaged my Honda.

“He’s something,” I said, watching as my mother fiddled with a vase for her precious flowers that might live for a week or two before wilting and dying away as all young love was destined to do.

How romantic.

FLASH!

I groaned as my father continued to snap pictures of me, trying for every angle possible while my mother messed with my hair and makeup. “Just beautiful,” she said, brushing off the invisible dust that had apparently coagulated on my dress sleeve.

“Don’t you have enough pictures?” I whined to my father, rubbing my eyes as I tried to rid my line of vision of those impeding black spots.

“You never dress like this,” my father whined in return, reminding me of where I had probably picked it up from.

“Because I hate it,” I gritted out, crossing my arms petulantly as I looked up at the clock.

Changbin was due to arrive at any minute and I definitely didn’t want my parents trying to talk to him. They would likely convince him that I was looking forward to the dance and that was the opposite of the truth. In fact, I would much rather stay here curled up in my bed with a decent thriller novel to occupy my time until I passed out for the night.

“He’s here!” my mother squealed as if she were the one going to the dance instead of me. Mere moments later our doorbell rang and I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous looks my parents wore.

“I really hate you guys right now,” I grumbled, opening the door to greet Changbin who waited on the other side, hands behind his back.

“Reynolds,” he smirked, eyes trailing up and down.

“You’re early,” I informed him, sighing loudly as I realized that meant we would have to spend even more time together. I was also aware of my parents watching from behind, so I rolled my eyes and grabbed Changbin’s jacket sleeve to pull him in the direction of his car. 

“Are you finally excited, Reynolds?” he asked, letting out an uncharacteristic giggle as I paused at his car.

“Listen, Changbin,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest, “you better promise me that this isn’t some kind of weird joke or something.”

“Of course not, Reynolds,” Changbin said, appearing entirely confused as to why I could possibly think of such a thing.

“Then let’s get this over with,” I sighed, making myself comfortable in the passenger seat, briefly greeting the older couple waiting in the backseat. 

I hadn’t even had the chance to really take in Changbin’s appearance properly, so I discreetly eyed him from the side as he drove. His suit screamed expensive, and the Gucci designer label on his jacket alerted me to the fact that he had spent thousands on an outfit he would probably disregard after tonight’s affairs. The shallowness of his appearance was yet another reminder that there was absolutely no logic behind the two of us being together for this event.

“Listen, Reynolds,” Changbin started, glancing at me briefly before returning his eyes to the road, “I know you weren’t looking forward to this, but I promise that we can leave whenever you want.”

I frowned at the sentiment. “I don’t usually do these things.”

“I know,” Changbin smiled as if happy I had made an exception for him. And if I had more energy, I would have promptly informed him that I was only doing this so that he would finally leave me alone at school. Now that a few stray rumors had recently started circulating about the two of us being spotted together in the parking lot, I was more than prepared to go back into my self-imposed isolation. “My friend Felix works on the committee who put this together,” Changbin added. “It’s supposed to be really cool.”

“I’m not very impressionable,” I said, wondering what sort of lunacy the delinquents in charge of Felix’s squad had rendered for this unnecessary dance. Lee Felix was notorious around the school for being extremely popular, often holding parties at his elaborate townhouse on the weekends since his parents flew a lot for business. And if the stupid lights reflecting off the school’s moldy brick exterior were anything to go by, then I was ready to be disappointed.

I held back a sigh as Changbin hurried to my side of the car, helping me out with a sweaty palm as if he were anything remotely close to a gentleman. “I paid for our tickets in advance,” Changbin said, refusing to let go of my hand despite the fact that I was openly tugging against his impossible hold.

Reluctantly, I let Changbin keep my poor appendage, following him up the front steps of the school’s gymnasium entrance. I could already hear the predominantly bass-filled music pouring outside. And, if I concentrated hard enough, I could smell the faint odor of bad weed emanating from somewhere out in the woods.

Changbin handed our tickets to the perplexed girl waiting at the front, eyes wide as she took in the strange sight of me and the school’s most popular douchebag hand in hand. I swallowed hard as Changbin maintained his firm grip, leading me inside to a nearby group of his friends. Meanwhile, the eyes of my classmates continued to follow us, silently judgemental. What was Seo Changbin doing, they were probably thinking, watching their precious star basketball player bring the school’s quiet isolationist to a time-honored occasion?

“Chan,” Changbin greeted one of the players, exchanging an unnecessarily complicated handshake. 

“Kayda Reynolds,” Chan greeted me, and I was faintly surprised that the Senior boy even knows my name. Based on what I heard from the annoying group of girls who sat at the table behind me in Biology, Chan had been voted most popular boy in the Senior class. He was also the starting shooting guard for the men’s Varsity team which meant a hell of a lot around this community.

Changbin pulled me even closer upon Chan’s utterance of my name, inquiring about some sort of college tour Chan was scheduled to participate that weekend. If only I could have been a Senior already, then I’d make sure to attend university as far away from Changbin as possible. Perhaps then I might attain the peace I truly deserved.

And despite the fact that I was hoping to just stand there without having to muster a single word, inevitably, I was brought into the conversation. “I didn’t know you liked these things, Kayda,” one of my older teammates remarked. Eda was her name, and she was currently hanging from the arm of a rather handsome basketball player. 

“I thought I’d try,” I answered shortly, aware that Changbin was probably listening, even as he remained engrossed in conversation with Chan.

Eda hesitated, glancing between me and Changbin. “I didn’t know you and Changbin were together.”

“Of course,” Changbin smoothly inserted, interrupting me before I could possibly deny the allegation. His fingers fanned out across my hip, hold unrelenting around my waist. 

I clenched my jaw as I fixed him with a glare. Take a hint, I wanted to shout in his stupidly smug face. “Really?” Eda gasped, eyes wide with admiration. “Congratulations.”

Was I getting an athletic scholarship to Harvard?

“What about Lisa?” I heard another girl whisper from some distant proximity. 

Changbin probably didn’t hear the girl as he was too busy bragging to his friends about the romantic encounter we had that led to our unexpected coupling. And I was too dumbstruck to do anything but stand there like a blushing fool, listening to the whispers while feeling the eyes of the other students watching me with close attention. But perhaps this is what Changbin intended, a way to get me to an unsanctioned school event just to humiliate me further.

“Let’s dance, Reynolds,” Changbin said, abruptly dragging me away from the gossip circle.

Was this it? I thought to myself as he brought me closer. My mouth was dry, completely devoid of any moisture when his pelvis brushed against my lower stomach. He still had a firm hold of my right hand while his other hand rested low on my wait.

Too low.

I glared at him in warning as I reached back to redirect his hand higher, receiving another adorable giggle for my efforts. He pulled me closer, leaving no space between our bodies as he led me across the floor. And I, being no expert on anything dance-related, could only follow his lead as I tried not to embarrass myself more than Changbin had already successfully done. “You act like you’ve never done this before, Reynolds,” Changbin teased and I hated how satisfied he looked with our current condition.

This was definitely an act. 

“What are you doing?” I muttered darkly, glaring at as many people as I could manage because they insisted on studying us like zoo animals in captivity.

“Dancing, I think,” he chuckled, breath warm against my face which meant we were way too close together.

“Is this what you wanted?” I asked, feeling unexpectedly defeated as I realized that Changbin was winning yet again. He had tricked me into coming with him to this stupid dance to humiliate me in front of his stupid friends. I felt trapped, and it wasn’t just because of the insistent grip he managed around my waist. 

“Kayda,” Changbin sighed, leaning in to brush his nose against my collarbone, “you’re so beautiful.”

I mustered as much strength as I could, jerking away from him with a force he had not anticipated. Changbin let me go with wide eyes, watching as I took several steps back. I could still feel everyone looking at us, waiting for something to happen, but I wouldn’t give them that satisfaction. I was done being the object of everyone’s amusement, especially when it involved Seo Changbin.

“You didn’t need to go this far!” I hissed at him, despising the tears that had started to free themselves from my swollen ducts.

“Reynolds?” Changbin questioned, reaching for me again, but I quickly knocked his hand away.

“Leave me alone,” I told him, already retreating in the direction of the locker room, knowing I could leave from the back exit before this night got any worse.

“Reynolds!”

“Don’t follow me,” I practically begged him, trying to hasten my steps but the heel of my shoe was caught at the bottom of my dress.

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, reaching down to fix something that I could actually control. “Hey, Reynolds,” Changbin said, panting slightly as he touched my elbow. “What did I do?”

I spun around so quickly that he released me with a start, taking a few steps back. “You’re mocking me!” I screamed in his direction, wiping away the stupid tears that were steadily cascading freely from the corners of my eyes. 

“Kayda,” Changbin said, clearly startled by my words, “I don’t understand what’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t,” I sniffled, turning away from his troubling presence to try and get a grip over my emotions. 

He wasn’t helping matters, coming up behind me to grab my waist. “Tell me,” he insisted, “I’ll listen.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, vision clouding. “Please just take me home.”

“It does matter,” Changbin insisted, forcing me to turn back around. “I want to know.”

“You’re never nice to me,” I said. “I don’t know why I thought you might have been reasonable tonight.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you that clueless?” I snapped, meeting his gaze with renewed vigor. “Ever since we first met, you’ve done nothing but humiliate me and I’m really tired of the way you treat me and everyone else.” 

Changbin’s hands fell from my waist. “The way I treat you?”

“Yes,” I sighed with irritation. “You act like you’re better than me because your parents have money and a nice house. And because you act like that, you think you can just treat me like your personal doormat. Ever since I can remember, you’ve always said whatever you felt like, even if it was hurtful, and you do it to other people too, but I guess they can handle it better than me since I’m the primary recipient!”

I took in several deep breaths, eyes shut together tightly. When I opened them again, I was met with a sight that shocked me to my core. And I could never forget the way he looked at me this time because there was no reason for Seo Changbin to look so defeated.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, voice trembling. I was stunned by the glistening wetness gathering in his eyes. “I really like you, Kayda,” he said. “I’ve always liked you.”

The revelation was almost as shocking as his tears. I tensed my hands into tight fists, digging my nails into my skin to feel another kind of pain, one that was more bearable than the ache I felt in my heart. It was almost torturous to endure, covering my eyes with my hands to try and stop more tears from falling. “No you don’t,” I insisted, unable to outmatch his strength as he forced my hands away from my face.

“I know I shouldn’t have done those things to you, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was a stupid and immature kid and I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. Because I didn’t know it would hurt you like this.”

“Why would you think otherwise?”

“Because I thought it would make you better,” Changbin said. “I figured that you would only fight to prove me wrong.”

“That’s horrible,” I said, shaking my head so quickly that it almost resembled the effects of whiplash.

“Yeah,” Changbin nodded, a strange darkness masking his expression. “It probably was.”

I let out a deep breath, worried about the anxious pacing of my cardiac rhythm. “And what you said in there about us being together? You know that’s not true and it probably never will be.”

Changbin nodded slowly, accepting the truth for once in his life. “I don’t deserve you, Kayda,” he said, voice incredibly sad as he looked down at the ground. “I won’t bother you anymore.”

I pulled out my phone to call my parents. “I hope you mean it this time.”

March

The end of basketball season also brought about a renewed concentration for my academic endeavors. It also meant that I was seeing much less of Seo Changbin for which I was grateful. The pitiful looks he threw my way were starting to really affect me far more than I was willing to let on. 

At least things had started to return to normal, as in, Changbin was still flocked by his countless admirers while I enjoyed the peace of being ignored. It was much better this way, especially since I was happier without the teasing and taunting from the man in question. It was proving to be a necessary change.

There was also a new student in my Biology class. And after taking in the handsome combination of his dark hair and eyes, I understood why everyone was interested in pursuing him. Of course, this mainly included the girls who had finally realized they could never have Seo Changbin, seeking a new target for their endless flirtations. But I also felt sorry for the newcomer because he already seemed different than the others. He was quiet, like me, and seemed to prefer the solitude of sitting alone at the back of our classroom. Until those stupid girls started flocking him like glorified vultures.

I watched him one day while we were working on an independent assignment, which mostly meant everyone enjoyed a generous conversation while our teacher tried to win a game of Solitaire. The new kid was obviously more interested in his assignment than everyone else, and I could tell he was uncomfortable with the attention. Normally, I stayed out of the way, knowing it always turned out better for me in the end. However, I couldn’t let him suffer, so I kindly waited for him at the end of class, touching his arm when he passed by. His eyes were wide when they met mine. “You know,” I said, leaning in close, “those girls really hate me. If you ever need some space to do your work, then you can always sit next to me.”

I offered him a kind smile before proceeding to my next class.

The next morning, I was only half-surprised to see him already seated at the spot next to me at my table. I dumped my books on top of the faded surface before taking my seat, pulling out the assignment sheet from my folder. I started working as the bell rang, vaguely paying mind to our teacher who walked in with a yawn, encouraging us to continue working while he slammed his head down on top of his desk. I rolled my eyes and opened my calculator, aware that the new kid was watching my every move. I could hear whispers from the table next to mine and only looked up to glare at those annoying girls before returning to my work. 

“Thank you,” the boy finally murmured and I only let out a hum as I considered the multiple-choice questions in front of me.

And from that point on, I found myself with a new desk partner for my morning class who eventually introduced himself as Han Jisung. Subsequently, if our teacher ever assigned group work, I always agreed to pair up with Jisung while enjoying the looks of hostility thrown my way. In actuality, Jisung was incredibly smart and really fun to work with, making intelligent puns and jokes about the illustrations in our textbooks. I laughed every time, offering my own takes in return because I actually didn’t mind the way he snickered in response.

But I didn’t realize how closely the rest of the student population was observing our interactions until it was brought to my attention courtesy of my nosy teammates. One day at basketball practice, a younger player innocently inquired about Jisung. “You’re so lucky!” she swooned to which I offered a vague noise of agreement. “He’s so gorgeous,” the girl continued, gripping my arm with unnecessary strength.

“Are you dating Han Jisung, Kayda?” our team captain asked me and I blushed furiously at her question, denying the insinuation.

When I turned around to find my gym bag, I could see Seo Changbin watching the exchange with barely disguised anger.

April

Han Jisung was proving to be a very interesting character. Despite his beautiful visuals and obvious appeal, Jisung rarely paid any attention to the scores of girls who flocked around him for attention. In fact, he often wrinkled his nose in disgust before excusing himself. And he didn’t seem to like the popular guys who tried to befriend him, asking him to try out for different sports teams. In fact, the only popular guy Jisung seemed to like was Lee Felix and that’s simply because nobody could resist his charm.

But, more than anything else, Han Jisung actually liked me and he often escorted me to my classes, joining me at my lunch table of isolation during fourth period, or even lingering by my Honda after school to tell me some kind of cheesy joke he obviously waited all day to share. It was beyond strange, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with the disruption in my usual routine. But I also didn’t mind it at all and even found myself seeking out Jisung in the hallways or waiting with anticipation for him to walk into Biology every morning. Sometimes, he even brought me an extra coffee, talking in great detail about his precious espresso machine as if it were his most prized possession. 

Subsequently, I didn’t even hesitate to agree to hang out with Jisung after school one afternoon. Especially when I found out that Jisung had recently gotten his intermediate license, which meant we could ride together without worrying about having an older supervisor in the car with us. Apparently, being a year older made Jisung even more appealing.

“I heard you’re good at basketball,” he joked. “Should we go to the park? Maybe you could teach me?”

I brightened at the suggestion. “Okay!”

Yet, nothing could have ruined my mood more than the sight of Seo Changbin and his basketball buddies already occupying one of the courts when Jisung pulled up in his red Toyota. “Great,” I muttered, trying to ignore the way Changbin’s biceps flexed enticingly.

“What’s wrong?” Jisung asked while turning off the ignition.

“We don’t really get along,” I told Jisung.

“You and Changbin?” Jisung frowned. “That kid hates me too. Don’t know what his problem is.”

“He’s a jerk,” I said, reaching for the door handle of Jisung’s car.

“Are you sure you want to stay?” Jisung asked. “We can always go do something else.”

“No,” I turned him down with emphasis. “We can be here too.”

Jisung shrugged and reached into the backseat for the basketball we had taken from my car. He followed me as I led the way with as much confidence as I could muster, ignoring the way Changbin’s eyes seemed to follow the two of us as we claimed the next court over. I tucked the basketball under my arm, turning to face Jisung with a grin. “What do you want to play?”

“Your choice, Kayda,” Jisung said, slipping his jacket from his shoulders. “I’m not the expert here.”

He was also very good at stroking my ego.

I blushed at the comment regardless, running my fingers across the grooves of the ball in my hand. Of course, my good mood was never meant to last for long, and my smile vanished when I realized that a stray basketball had rolled its way over to where Jisung and I were conversing. 

“Sorry,” Changbin muttered when he came over to retrieve the ball, standing up straight to eye Jisung with narrowed eyes. 

“Keep the ball on your side,” I told him, reaching out for Jisung’s hand with every intention of leading us further away.

Changbin’s jaw clenched, knuckles turning white from their grip on the basketball in his hands. “Why don’t the two of you join us?” Changbin asked.

“We’re fine,” I said in response, but Changbin was determined.

“Felix wanted to make a team,” he continued. “We could do a tournament?”

“Not interested,” I reiterated, but my words seemed to have no effect on Changbin’s resolve.

“Felix!” he shouted in the direction of his red-headed friend. The smaller boy joined us with a wide smile. “You need two players, right?”

Felix nodded, turning to us with an exaggerated pout. “Please?”

Jisung laughed, tossing an easy arm around Felix’s shoulders. “Of course! Kayda and I would be happy to join.”

“We would?” I muttered, reluctantly following the three boys as we made our way to the opposing court.

The first game involved Changbin’s team versus Chan’s, meaning I was currently sitting on the ground with Jisung while Felix introduced us to his other two players. “This is Minho and Hyunjin.”

“At least we have one good player,” Minho joked, winking in my direction. Was this the first time Minho had ever spoken to me?

“Changbin never picks us,” Hyunjin sighed dramatically as if his sole life’s problem was Changbin ignoring him in favor of better talent. 

“But neither does Chan,” Felix spoke up and Minho laughed at the observation.

“Do you have any tips, Kayda?” Hyunjin asked, moving in closer as he scanned the court. “It looks like we’ll have to go against Changbin’s team.”

I twisted my head to the side, watching Changbin step back to shoot a wide-open three-pointer. “Guard the hell out of Seo and we should be fine.”

“The first team to 12 points wins!” Chan explained to us, coaxing Hyunjin and Changbin forward as the two shook hands for Jump Ball. I lingered back on defense, figuring that Changbin would somehow find a way to get the ball from Hyunjin despite the fact that my new teammate had a good four inches of height over him. “Ready?”

“Let’s go, team!” Felix shouted with faux enthusiasm, and I resisted the urge to sigh.

And as expected, Changbin managed to outsmart Hyujin, tipping the ball towards one of his players. I immediately prepared myself, anticipating a fast return to the goal I was invested in protecting. However, my opponent seemed to reconsider his advances, slowing the ball down to wait for the remainder of his teammates to find their positions.

I took a step closer to the player handling the ball, paying no mind to my confused teammates as they openly asked who they were supposed to be matched up with. I attempted to block an overhead pass from the player I was guarding, but it successfully found its way into Changbin’s hands who scored the easy jumper. I scowled as I marched over to my teammates, demanding to know who had been guarding Changbin. “I think it was me?” Mingo said, raising his hand cautiously while eyeing his friends.

“I could always do it?” Jisung suggested, and I instantly agreed because I definitely did not have the patience to guard Changbin.

I also hesitantly complied to handle the ball down the court, rolling my eyes when I realized Changbin had decided to guard me by not so subtly nudging one of his own players out of the way. I passed the ball to Hyunjin who attempted a dramatic three-pointer. Sadly, the ball never even made it to the basket, connecting with the barbed wire fence out of bounds. “Sorry!” Hyunjin apologized, but I was already backpedaling down the court.

Because it was going to be a long game.

“Five minutes left!” Chan shouted from the sidelines as if it mattered. We were losing horribly, the only points on the board coming from my efforts. And they had been considerable since Changbin insisted on face guarding me like I was Lebron James ready at any moment to dunk the basketball from the foul line.

“Shot!” Felix shouted, disrupting my wandering thoughts as I dove in for the rebound, watching the ball bank against the backboard.

I started up the court, deciding that setting up a play would never work since the rest of my team were truly terrible at following directions. “Kayda!” I heard Jisung summon my name and I realized he had somehow broken ahead of the others, wide open for my pass to the basket.

I threw the ball ahead to Jisung, watching with high expectations as he managed a decent angle for a shot attempt. And Jisung was prepared to make the layup, one foot already leaving the pavement, when Changbin suddenly intervened, deciding to confront Jisung and risk a potential foul. Of course, I never expected Changbin to act so aggressively, and I could only look on from afar as his hand came down to hit Jisung squarely in the nose. Almost immediately, Jisung fumbled the ball and Chan blew the whistle to signal the end of gameplay. 

“Changbin!” Chan scolded the younger player, hip jutting out sharply as he fixed Changbin with a stern gaze.

Meanwhile, I joined Felix on either side of Jisung, wincing when I noticed that Jisung’s nose was bleeding, hands cupping his face to try and stop the scarlet red that was already painting his honey-colored skin. “Is it broken?” I asked Jisung who merely whined in return.

“It might be,” Felix said. “Did he drive here?”

I nodded quickly, watching as Felix helped Jisung back to his feet. “I can ride with him to the hospital.”

I kept a firm hand around Jisung’s shoulder as I made sure to give Changbin a glare of my own as we passed him. “That wasn’t necessary,” I hissed in his direction, but Changbin was instantly apologetic.

He ran out in front of Jisung, forcing us to a stop. “I’m sorry Jisung,” Changbin said. “I got carried away.”

Jisung only waved him off, and Felix chose to take complete control of the situation, directing Jisung towards the parking lot. Before I could try to join them, Changbin had grabbed my arm. “I really didn’t mean to.”

His gaze was sincere, but I was still suspicious because I had openly witnessed a similar kind of aggression which Changbin was notorious for on the court since middle school. “How do I know that?”

“Because I’m telling the truth,” he implored, taking a step back to allow me more breathing room.

“He’ll probably be fine,” Chan commented, slinging a careful arm around Changbin’s shoulders. “Binnie can be a little rough.”

I scoffed at the affectionate nickname. “It looked intentional.”

“And now we lost one of our players,” Minho cried from behind me. 

“I guess the game is over,” Hyujin remarked, patting his friend on the back as if to offer sympathy. “Are you riding home with me?”

Minho nodded his compliance and I realized at that moment that Jisung had driven me here, which meant I had no ride. “I’ll have to call my parents,” I muttered.

“I can drive you home, Reynolds,” Changbin said, shuffling towards me. “Chan lives close to you.”

I took a moment to study Felix as he carefully led Jisung to his car, and I couldn’t help but think this had been some kind of elaborate set-up. “Fine.”

Changbin’s car stopped in front of my house after we dropped off Chan and I went to open the door before realizing that it was locked. “Do you intend to keep me prisoner?” I asked Changbin, only half-jokingly.

But Changbin was serious, fingers thumping against the steering wheel. “I’m sorry about the dance, Kayda.”

I glanced out the window. “It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t,” Changbin shook his head. “I planned something different.”

“And what exactly were you expecting?”

Perhaps my question held more implications than I realized as Changbin’s hands fell from the wheel. “I wanted you to like me.”

“What do you mean...” I trailed off, freezing as I realized Changbin had leaned in closer to me over the center console.

“But I guess it didn’t work,” Changbin whispered. “I didn’t get what I wanted for once.”

“And what do you want?” I asked him, still as cautious as ever as I waited for my explanation.

“I really like you,” Changbin said, hand suddenly coming around to gracefully handle the back of my neck, fingers cool against my overheated skin. It provided a useful foundation to hold me in place, keeping me waiting as he continued to move in closer. 

I blamed the complete shock of the moment for everything that happened thereafter.

Changbin’s lips were smooth and gentle, coaxing my mouth open as his tongue invaded the warm cavern of my mouth, daring to slip across the muscle hesitating to act in compliance with his advances. I had never kissed anyone before in my life, so the sensation was entirely new and, dare I acknowledge, rather wonderful. The way I could feel the ridges of his lips, chapped from the wind, working in a strange harmony in mine as if this intimate dance was predicated by fate itself.

But I was still the first to pull away, detecting resistance in Changbin’s hold, ignoring the way his lips seemed to chase mine. “Changbin,” I whispered, slightly wary of the dark look in his eyes.

“Just one kiss?” Changbin pouted and I strangely found it endearing even as I tried to remember why I didn’t like him.

“I’m really confused,” I told him honestly. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”

“Just you,” he said, offering me a kind smile. “I want to be with you.”

It was all too much and I shook my head in denial. “I don’t know what to say right now.”

“What if I give you time to think about it?”

I nodded as a response because I was desperate to be left alone, reaching for the door handle. “Will you push me for an answer?”

Changbin scoffed. “What if I let you come to me this time, Reynolds?”

“You might be waiting a while.”

“I can be patient.”

I seriously questioned that assertion, offering Changbin one more disbelieving glance before graciously accepting the faint breeze that greeted me outside.

May

Jisung made a full recovery, returning to school with the same lazy playfulness that seemed to define his character. “As long as it doesn’t affect my looks,” Jisung said, earning himself one of my trademarked eye rolls in return.

“I’m sorry he did that to you.”

“Why should you apologize?” Jisung shrugged. “You aren’t responsible for Changbin.”

No, I really wasn’t, but that didn’t mean his friends were ready to acknowledge Jisung’s truthful claim.

“Kayda Reynolds.”

I looked up in surprise when I recognized Felix’s voice. I had been eating lunch alone since Jisung had asked for permission to leave school early, feigning a sore throat when in reality he wanted to skip his next period’s test. “Felix?”

The younger boy tsked as he sat down across from me without a single request for permission. “You shouldn’t keep ignoring him.”

I rolled my eyes when I realized his intentions. “Are you his advocate now?”

“No, but I am his friend.”

I gave up on trying to eat the school’s special meatloaf. “Are you trying to make me feel guilty?”

“No,” Felix shook his head, “but I think you’re being unfair.”

“He told me to take my time.”

“Which is a lot to ask of Changbin,” Felix said, giving me a look like I was incapable of understanding simple English.

“Don’t you think this is a lot for me to handle?” I asked him. “I’m not exactly his biggest fan.”

“At least give him something,” Felix said, sighing as he handled the apple on his lunch tray with disdain. 

“Will that make everyone happy?” I grumbled.

“You might even be surprised yourself,” Felix shot back, handling my sarcasm with ease. And that earned him enough respect to accommodate his request.

I found Changbin in the parking lot that afternoon. He was talking with Chan and another basketball player, appearing entirely at ease as he relaxed against the hood of his Corvette. It was difficult to intercede, knowing that I was reluctantly giving Changbin what he wanted.

Chan was the first to notice me, eyes growing wide as he nudged Changbin with a nod in my direction. Changbin turned around slowly, brightening immediately when he realized what his friend had been referencing. And he must have said something to dismiss Chan and his other friend because the two of them quickly retreated further into the maze of student cars. “I’m happy to see you,” Changbin said, voice betraying his obvious excitement. Which was still strange because Changbin had never spoken to me that way before. 

“Felix was convincing,” I said in return, anxiously glancing around the parking lot. “He said I was being unfair.”

“Ah,” Changbin nodded, running a nervous hand through his dark hair. “I did tell you to take your time.”

“Well,” I shrugged, “I suppose we can talk.”

Changbin nodded enthusiastically. “Do you want to go somewhere else, Reynolds?”

“That would be nice,” I admitted because we were starting to attract a lot of unwanted attention.

Changbin seemed thrilled by my acceptance, opening his passenger door for me. “I know a place we can go.”

“An arcade?” I questioned, pausing when a little boy abruptly ran out in front of me, eyes focused on the brightly lit wall of machines.

“Maybe I’m not so good at this,” Changbin said, clearing his throat as he brought us to an empty table. “I thought it might be fun.”

But I thought we were just talking, I wanted to offer in return but there was something irresistible about the boyish charm Changbin seemed to exude surrounded by such childish innocence. “My dad took me to arcades a lot when I was younger,” I said, unzipping my jacket because it had started to grow warm in the surrounding room.

“Really?” Changbin asked, looking up in surprise. “Do you wanna play?”

“Maybe for a little while,” I said, not missing the way his lips pulled tighter at the corners, revealing an uncharacteristic open-mouthed smile.

“Wait here,” Changbin instructed, and I obeyed his wish as he started to shove a twenty into the token machine.

I watched him when he came back, counting out the coins in his hand, handing me a substantial stack. “What do you wanna play?”

“Do you like video games?”

“My favorite way to waste time.”

Changbin and I were as close to addicts as two people could get, maintaining a constant presence next to the wildly entertaining shooting game he apparently enjoyed. I had gotten pretty good at the game, although Changbin continued to beat me each time we started a new round. However, at least he managed to refrain from bragging about how good he was at the game, which was a victory in and of itself. Because then I would have had to swiftly remind him that not everybody had enough money to come here on a whim’s notice to play to their heart’s content.

“One more round, Reynolds?” Changbin asked, holding up his final two silver tokens.

“I have a good feeling this time,” I said, snatching my coin to quickly shove inside the machine.

Changbin joined my session, loading up the queue as I held tight to the controller in my hand. As soon as the countdown sequence flashed across the screen, I felt my shoulders tense while my fingers flexed against the buttons. This time I was determined, even if I hated the smug smile Changbin wore on his face as he watched me with amusement.

The game progressed with an early advantage in my favor. I must have caught one of Changbin’s CPU players off-guard, attacking the base with relative success. Meanwhile, the man in question was nowhere in sight, and I could only make out his name on the tiny map at the bottom corner of my screen. Why wasn’t he attacking? I wondered as I infiltrated the next base.

“Did you forget how to play?” I couldn’t help but tease him. Yet, when he didn’t offer a snarky retort in response, I finally realized what was going on, especially once the game concluded with my victory. 

Changbin showed no signs of remorse. In fact, he seemed perfectly content with the results. It was now obvious that Changbin had clearly let me win, and I turned to him with a start. “Why did you give up?”

Changbin looked sheepish like he wasn’t expecting me to catch on to his plan. “That was all you, Reynolds.”

“Really?” I snickered. “You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“There’s a lot I’m willing to do for you,” Changbin said while minding his game controller. 

The seriousness of his tone caught me off-guard. 

“I guess it’s okay,” I said, somewhat hesitant. “This is kinda what friends would do, right?”

Changbin’s expression shifted, but only in the way his gaze dropped from mine. “Yeah, friends...”

Over the next few weeks, Changbin continued to invite me out, sometimes encouraging me to hang around the rest of his friends. It was actually kind of nice since most of Changbin’s friends were entirely different when it was just our classmates who weren’t around. In a way, it was like the arrogant facade was lifted, even if some of them, mainly Changbin himself, still couldn’t resist the occasional remark. But the best part was that Changbin never pushed me for an answer to that unspoken question hanging between us. And in the meantime, I could surprisingly enjoy the things he wanted to do, while he also accommodated my requests to spend time in the quiet solitude of the library. Although, I could tell Changbin was not as entertained as me, flipping through his textbook with a lax expression.

“He sounds both horrible and perfect,” Jisung said to me one day at lunch. 

“Why did he bother me so much in middle school?” 

Jisung shrugged. “Maybe it was his way of telling you something.”

“That he hated me?”

“Sounds like it was the complete opposite,” Jisung said. “I guess loverboy is really bad at expressing his feelings.”

“I can’t wait for the school year to end,” I lamented.

“A couple months away from Seo Changbin?” Jisung grinned. “But I’m not letting you brood by yourself all summer.”

“I like brooding,” I told him because it was definitely true. At least, at one point it was. Now, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“So when are you gonna confront Changbin about your relationship problems?”

“We don’t have a relationship,” I grimaced. “And, for your information, I plan to keep putting it off because I have no idea what to say.”

“Better figure it out soon,” Jisung pointed out. “The end of the year always flies by.”

And curse him for being right.

June

The end of my Freshman year brought about a dramatic cliffhanger to the mess that now defined my life. Ironically, I had somehow evolved from the quiet girl who desired nothing more than to be left alone, to a frequent topic of debate amongst gossip circles at our school. Not to mention, I had somehow made a friend out of Han Jisung while inevitably being adopted into Changbin’s close circle of acquaintances despite my resistance.

And once the final bell rang for summer vacation, I joined the swarm of hyperactive students racing through the main entrance, flooding the student parking lot with excited chatter. In the meantime, Jisung was patiently waiting for me on the sidewalk, offering a charming smile once I fell into pace with him. “My dad’s forcing me to go to some sort of weird summer camp,” Jisung sighed despondently. “I guess that means we can’t crash the five-dollar movies on Tuesdays, Kayda.”

I was disappointed with Jisung’s revelation. “Maybe I should have found a camp this summer. Everyone else is leaving.”

“Including your admirer,” Jisung teased, nodding in Changbin’s direction.

I followed his gaze, realizing that it was finally time for me to give Changbin the answer he had been anticipating since April. “Give me a minute,” I said to Jisung, leaving him waiting by my car while I started in Changbin’s direction, amused by the way he tried to appear perfectly indifferent.

“Reynolds,” he acknowledged me, shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

“I guess you made the summer league tournament,” I said, hesitantly searching for the right words.

“Yeah,” Changbin nodded. “There could be scouts watching.”

“I heard that too,” I agreed, wondering if it was too late to write some sort of elaborate note and leave it under his windshield wiper. “You’re probably waiting on my answer.”

Changbin straightened immediately, gaze imploring as he looked at me. “And?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” I revealed, watching his expression fall. “It’s a lot for me to handle, but I do have a compromise.”

“Compromise?”

“When the school year starts again,” I said, “and you’re still interested, maybe we could be friends? I think that’s best for us.”

Changbin seemed to process my words slowly. “Just friends?”

I nodded. “I kinda liked these past few weeks. It was nice compared to middle school.”

Changbin flinched at my comment, letting out a shaky laugh. “Maybe we’re better off as friends, Reynolds,” Changbin agreed, holding out a hand which I tentatively shook.

“Friends,” I emphasized, although the determined look in Changbin’s gaze was hard to so easily dismiss.

[watery-lane]

The Night You Cared: Epilogue.

Pairing: Modern!Ivar Lothbrok x Reader

Summary: She is back. For how long?

Warnings: Angst

Words: 5340

A/N: End of my first Ivar fict! Hope you guys enjoyed it xx.

Part I / Part II 

Listen to: Stubborn Love - The Lumineers.

“He couldn’t even look at his parents faces after that. I swear to the gods, master students are just undergraduates on crack.” You rambled lightheartedly, phone on one of your hands and the heavy luggage rolling right next to you. “Oop, sorry.” You apologised to the old, white bearded man attempting to leave the building at the same time you tried to get in. “Thank you.” You mouthed with a smile and a scrunched nose, trying to look past the dark sunglasses of the man holding the door for you.

Ubbe released a short and breathy laugh. You could not see him, but you knew him well enough to notice he sounded way too distracted to formulate a proper answer to your anecdote. You knew he had things to tell you, bubbling under the surface like water about to boil, waiting patiently for you to finish with what you had to say as he always did.

Part of you already knew what he wanted to ask. As much as you loved Ubbe, his drive was wired the same way as all Lothbroks: business, business, business. Sure, he was located in the HR department and understood the way you saw things. But, as a Ragnarsson, he could not see your desire of avoiding a life between cubicles and constant phonecalls.

“Well,” you exhaled, “I’m officially back home.”

“In which hotel are you staying? I can pay you a visit as soon as I finish with these papers.” You could picture him letting go the papers on the table like white pigeons as he casually leaned back against his chair. You waited for the lift, eyes focused on the flicking numbers above your head.

Ubbe knew about your never recovered relationship with your parents. They never called you back, not even after the success of your new business was announced through local and regional media. Although for them, the news of you working for another sector other than theirs after the humiliation they had to endure at your graduation party may have felt like a slap in their faces. No one assisted to your masters graduation other than your remaining English friends. You did receive heartwarming messages from Aslaug and her sons, who apologised for not being there with you. It was a lonely ending for such an important stage of your life, but you swiftly got through it. Soon enough you got into a graduate scheme at the British council and a big part of you was relieved that you got to spend another year without facing the problems awaiting for you in Kattegat.

Now you had consumed all your borrowed time, leaving you drowning in the sterile sand clock you got yourself into, unable to put down roots in your hometown after your parents decided to pull them all out.

“Hotel Boneless and Co.” You mumbled through a dramatic sigh, stretching your arms up and puffing your chest as you heard the ding of the machine and the pop of your bones. You were carefully rolling your suitcase into the mirror covered lift when you heard the wheels of a chair rolling loudly on the other line. “I can send you my location if you don’t know where it is.” You joked as you pressed a button and stepped out of the lift. 

Ivar lived in one of the top floors of the building and you perfectly knew it was a suicide attempt to try and climb the stairs. But the thing was, you spent your whole day sitting on your ass and the last thing you wanted to do was to use your legs even less. ‘I’ll just call the lift once I feel tired’ you thought. ‘Nobody is going to steal my suitcase anyway.’ You brushed your concerns off, feeling the cosiness of class privilege surrounding you.

“Does Ivar know you’re staying at his place?” Although his voice sounded carefree, cautiousness and apprehension vibrated through his cherry picked words.

Your breath got caught up right in your throat, unsure if it was due to the fourth set of stairs you just rushed through or because you had no explanation for your mad reasoning. You shut your eyes briefly, licking your lips as you prepared to speak.

“It’s not like the first time I left, I promise.” You mumbled, your pulse thumping in your ears as you tried to not exhale heavily through the phone. “We actually talked during the past year.”

Technically, you were not lying. You two did spend time talking, sharing your everyday anecdotes through video calls or short text messages. He told you with pride about how the company stock was rising slowly but steadily, or how he was considering therapy. For his legs. On the other hand, you showed him your improving cooking skills and tenderly warned him about not stressing over things he could not control. 

Although, truth be told, that was nine months ago.

You were not to confess this, specially not to Ubbe, but although you tried, your conversations and overall relationship did not seem to endure the distance very well. Slowly withering like flowers deep into autumn, the last message you sent him was a picture of a smashed avocado toast you had for breakfast with the caption ‘The only thing I’m smashing these days smh’. A little grey bubble with the word ‘Yummy!’ seemed to be the full stop to your year long conversation.

It wasn’t until you stopped on the sixth floor, sore legs burning and short huffs escaping from your lips when you noticed the silence on the other line.

“That doesn’t answer my question, (Y/n).” Ubbe finally sighed, voice sounding tired all of the sudden.

“Well,” you strolled past the long corridor of the sixth floor, searching for the lift calmly. “we can consider myself as the best promotion gift he’s going to receive.” You smirked as you remembered the news.

A few months after your graduation you were informed by Bjorn about the death of Aslaug. You were told she died in a car crash, that the brothers were mourning, hence the lack of communication during those months. The oldest Ragnarsson did not seem phased about the news, which was understandable due to the lack of relationship he had with the woman. However, he was soon pulled into a legal battle between the Aslaugssons and Lagertha, with Ivar investing most of his time and resources in lawyers and private investigators, convinced that the death of his mother was planned. Because of that, he thought that the best idea was to leave Kattegat for awhile, investigating the markets of different nations to see if he could expand the legacy his father left.

You heard later on that Ivar won the legal battle after investing at least half of his wealth in lawyers and legal counsellors. In two days he was going to celebrate his rise, ‘just like a coronation’, Ubbe mocked, a bittersweet tone tinting his voice.

“(Y/n)...” Ubbe licked his lips as he leaned forward and rested his weight on his elbows.

“I know, I know, I should have called and said something,” you started to ramble, arms moving up and down as you got yourself in the lift, eyes locked on the lone suitcase left in the middle of the tiny space as you mindlessly pressed the last floor button. “but to be honest, would it really have been really necessary?”

“(Y/n). I can’t hear you.” Ubbe frowned as he started to hear your voice being cut repeatedly. 

 “I mean, it’s only been one year, what could have changed? What could he have done?”

“(Y/n).”

“Sell the loft his dear mother bought him? Developed a God complex? Join a cult? Get married?” You blew a raspberry, rolling your eyes as you heard the ding and saw the doors slide wide open.

At the other end of the line, Ubbe shifted his weight as he tapped his index and middle finger on the shiny table. Its a small gesture, but it helps relieving the pressure he started to feel on himself. At that time you reached the silver door, your virgin nails pressing down the doorbell as your ears processed the sweet ring that came with it.

“Ivar has... changed a little bit.” Ubbe mentions, not sure where to restart the conversation. He acknowledged he could have been a better brother to his little one, maybe they would have never reached this situation. “You will be surprised.” You kept yourself quiet for a moment, a discreet side smirk making your eyes squint.

“I’m sure I’ll figure him out.” You praised yourself, lowering your voice to a mere whisper as you talked to yourself. “I’m pretty sure we were built together by the gods anyway.”

“Huh?” Ubbe squinted, tilting his head as he could hear you talking under your breath.

“Uh nothing,” you fidgeted while you looked around, weirded out by the fact that Ivar did not seem to be at home on a weekend afternoon. Your free hand rested on your hip as you looked around, foot tapping rhythmically at the melody on your head as you pressed the button again. “Oh.”

“What?” Ubbe straightened his back.

For a mere second, your furtive eyes captured a swift move of lights and shadows slipping under the door frame, your eyes blinking rapidly at the sudden vision as you shook your head confused.

“I uh... I think I just saw someone... walking past the door?” You frowned, brushing it off as tiredness while you picked your stuff on the floor. “Never mind, I think he’s not at home. I’ll call Warwick and book a room.” You started to walk away from the door, suitcase rolling behind you as you strolled back into the lift.

“Oh wow, the little rich girl can only afford four star hotels right now?” Ubbe mocked, knowing perfectly you would be pissed at his comment, snickering as you told him to fuck off. “(Y/n)...” He called your name after your giggles died down, the sudden cold tone making you shiver with anticipation. “Have you thought about the offer?” He asked cautiously, not wishing to rush you into making any decisions. You already had a lot on your plate and something told him your stay here would end up breaking you.

“Ubbe... I—“ You hesitated. “I’m not going to lie, Haiti sounds nice and the job position sounds tempting.” Your inner cheek felt the bite of your teeth, your hips rocking forward and backwards as you stretched down. “but I’ve got things I wish to take care of in Kattegat now.” You smiled at your last sentence, the thought of your little local at the heart of your hometown and its co-owner crossing your mind. “I no longer need to run away anymore.”

 At the other side of the door, a distracted Ivar calmly read the financial reports of the last months as he sipped whiskey neat, never raising his head while he put the glass down on the counter.

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know... a seller, maybe?” A sugary and melodic voice spoke behind him, bare feet squeaking on the wooden floor as she moved back to the sofa, carefree. “It’s okay, I don’t think she knows we were at home.”

“That’s not possible, sellers are not allowed into the building.” Ivar considers, eyes looking up as he processed who could have been. Since your departure and the death of his mom, with Floki and Helga away, nobody ever visited him much. His brothers would see him every weekday at the offices and Erik was only there when he needed a ride. Only Freydis was around now and that was completely fine by him. She knew what he needed. She knew how special he really was.

“It was this woman talking on the phone with huge suitcases, she must be selling kitchenware or insurances or something.” She responded vaguely as she stood up at the sight of her fiancé perking his head up after hours focused on his job.

“Wait...” He stood still, his sudden hunch making his stomach churn. He felt the bare arms of his loved one caress and hug his chest and shoulders from behind, the hypnotising and honey like scent invading his senses like an anaesthetic. Notwithstanding, that little annoying feeling in his gut never left. “Darling, where is my phone?” He asked, his fiancée leaving his side as she looked for the device.

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK - Joji

You pursed your lips as you idly passed your hands over your gown, the sound of your heels clicking on the ground drowned by the numerous voices echoing in the tall, french style ceilings. You were pretty surprised your name was actually on the guest list. You had previously joked with Bjorn about being his plus one and how he was 88% sure he’d end up gods know were like Sigurd if Ivar ever saw you entering the gala joined by the hip, pretty certain Ivar did not know about your arrival. Guess you couldn’t surprise him anymore, cursing his brothers for telling him you were back in Kattegat. 

The spot was not exactly like the one where your downfall took place, yet it filled your heart with the same sadness and anxiety, as if you were about to live another disappointment all over again. As you reached the main room, your walked more cautiously, as if the marble tiles were the ones marked and in charge of causing you pain if you took the wrong step.

“Nice dress.” You heard a feminine yet deep voice speaking to you, making you raise your head and brows.

The woman in front of you looked like a goddess. Like an actual goddess.

She could even be Freya, dark locks running free and caressing her shoulders, an aura of mystery covering her tall frame as she walked past an speechless you. Damn the wealthy and the powerful. Damn Ivar and his godlike contacts.

You couldn’t even say thank you, the woman long gone as she approached an oddly familiar old man at the other end of the room.

You shook your head in confusion, looking around trying to find any known faces to hold yourself onto.

“Well well well, look who we have here?” Your heart fluttered with joy as you saw the blond, long haired Ragnarsson approach you with the cheekiest grin in Kattegat.

“Hvitty!” You beamed, a shiny smile parting your lips as you reached for a hug. “Look at you, who’s the lucky one taking you home tonight?” You winked, hands grabbing the lapels of his suit tenderly.

“Well the night is still young, but I can put you first on the waiting list if you want to.” You released a careless laugh, throwing back your head as you cheerfully shook your head.

“I’m afraid my mind is already taken, baby.” You rolled your eyes, finally feeling the happiness that had been gradually dripping away from you coming back. “And this,” you pointed at your body as you twirled, “is a package deal.”

You noticed his blue eyes seemed way too out of focus for a brief moment, contrasting deeply with the airy laugh he released at your joke. You wondered what had he seen, body slowly turning back until you hear him talking to you again.

“C’mon, are you telling me you didn’t fool around in York?” Hvitserk raised his brow. Your lips parted, the ghost of a smile adorning your face as you shook your head. 

“I love your brother, Hvitserk.” You confessed with a weak voice, not willing to let the rest of the party hear such open secret coming from your mouth. “I always have. I mean,” you huffed, shaking your head, “he’s a hell of a person to love, let’s just say I had to learn to love him.” You swore to the gods you had never seen Hvitserk, the most careless family member of the Lothbroks, look so concerned as he listened to you, his spark dying down as words left your mouth. “I— I know we’ve clashed for so long, and I’ve figured out that the truth is, we got to make sacrifices for the people we love. I resented him for so long because I thought he was selfish and he hated me at the same time because he thought I was selfish.” You took a deep breath as you reached your conclusion, ignoring how the young Ragnarsson kept looking behind you nervously. “And all of this was because... We were way too obsessed with the desire of having everything going your way. The night I let the past go was the best night of my life.” Hvitserk swallowed before looking at you.

“Is this why you decided to keep your share of the bar and reject Ubbe’s offer?”

“(Y/n?)” You felt every part of your body tingle at the sound of your name, blood rushing in your ears as you turned around. Your eyes were wide open, making their way up the suited up person that was now standing right in front of you.

“Ivar.” You whispered, eyes heavy and blurry sight as you hugged him tightly.

He hugged you back, the tip of his nose pressed against your head as he inhaled your scent, heart at ease and mind in peace at last. 

“Ivar, look at you,” You cupped his face as you separated, lips travelling straight towards his. To your surprise he pushed away your hips slightly with his free hand, making you miss your target as you kept your hands where they were. “You can walk?” He nodded, eyes full of you and pupils so dilated to take you in better. Yet his face seemed expressionless, the force of his emotions hidden and tucked away.

Maybe that should have served you as a sign that things had truly changed.

“Yes, princess, I can walk.” He repeated, voice as soft as the touch that indicated you to stay a few steps away from him. You frowned slightly this time, your heart clenching painfully.

“Hey, you must be (y/n)!” A cheerful woman came by with Ubbe, who stayed behind her with a defeated look. Her little frame got close enough to pull you into her embrace, letting you know how glad she was of meeting you at last.

The two oldest brother exchanged a hardened glance, lips pursed as they observed how everything slowly started to crumble.

“So you’re the girl who made this guy human?” She stands by Ivar, puppy eyes looking up as if she devoted everything she had to him.

“I... guess?” You hesitated. “And you are?”

The petite blonde woman raises her left hand, showing a hard yet so fragile stone reflect every single beam of light in the room.

So bright were the reflections, they actually burned you down.

You could hear a lot of people talk and see her lips moving as if someone slowed down time, as if you died went to Hel with Hela and the doomed ones.

Then you looked at Ivar, his eyes never looking at you. That is when you noticed: you couldn’t read him anymore.

He didn’t seem to have only started a new chapter.

He started a whole new book.

You were pretty much out of the conversation at that point. You heard her name was Freydis, that she applied for a position as his assistant in the past. That she never thought she’d become the wife of the CEO.

“The nurse got really pissed when she heard he had been walking around without crutches before he started treatment.” Freydis said sweetly, hand on his chest as she caressed it with care. The statement snapped you out of your trance, eyes immediately finding Ivar, who shook his head slightly to the sides in an attempt to calm you down. He knew you were going to blame yourself for that. You were not at fault, in fact, you were the main reason why he tried to become better in every single way possible. Because that was what you deserved, because that was what you were. “He could have hurt himself with whatever he was attempting to do.”

Apparently, she also convinced him to get therapy for his strong mood swings and past traumas.

Little did she know, the decision came from Ivar after the last time he was with you. But you didn’t know that either and your heart broke a little bit more with every anecdote she told, every single story where she miraculously came and fixed the mistakes you made.

You could see how she was making him a better person.

“... But Ivar doesn’t really like to dance... yet.” It felt like a rambling at that point, a certain tint of fanaticism dyeing the conversation and turning it sour. You were tired at that point, eyes almost permanently stuck on the ground if it wasn’t from the tears you had to get rid of my looking up. You shot your eyes at him the moment you processed her last words, wondering expression etched on your face while he cleared his throat and looked away. It didn’t seem like him. You remember he used to insist on you to dance, like an ‘ordinary folk’.

The truth was, you never got to dance together. Too many things changed through the years, and there was this one thing he didn’t want to change too, which was how you were his first in everything worth remembering. Memories were simply sweeter with you in it. Because, as Freydis said, you made him human. 

The thing was, he needed to be a God now.

He knew that you would be happier doing what you do, being free and helping people in ways he couldn’t even phantom.

Letting you go like this was the biggest sacrifice he will ever make.

To have you as a business partner would suffice, he always loved to watch you be you, working your ass off, to care so deeply about everybody like nobody else in his circle ever does.

“Ivar, Harald and Astrid are here.” Hvitserk finally intervened, the sight of your weakened state too much for your partner in crime to bear. Ivar nodded, sorry eyes staying a little bit longer on your hardened features before following his fiancée and brother.

“How was I not invited to the engagement party?” You asked to Ubbe, eyes still locked on your now ex’s back. Just like you couldn’t put a finger on when it started, you couldn’t really think of when your relationship ended.

“Cause it was nine months ago.” Ubbe mumbled, helping you put the little pieces together. You nodded.

“How?” You swallowed, not sure if you wanted to know. “How did they meet?” Ubbe pursed his lips, tilting his head tiredly as he sighed.

“She was a call girl Ivar used to hire regularly.” He tried to brush it off by shrugging. “I am not sure what happened, but Ivar started to get back to his old habits after you left. The only thing that remained the same was the local you guys own, he regularly checked everything was alright. One day Hvitty and I saw her leaving our offices, all suited up and everything.” You nodded, encouraging to keep going. “And boom, all of the sudden, after Lagertha’s trial, they were engaged.” He exhaled. You remained silent, feeling how a sneaky tear streamed down your face. “(Y/n)?”

“I think I need some air.” You whispered, stepping away from the oldest Aslaugsson and the rest of the crowd.

At least here out in the starless night you could blame your runny nose and teary eyes on the cold.

“Remember when we used to laugh at those sappy ass couples?” You asked out loud after standing by yourself for a while, heart more serene now that you took your time to accept that maybe you were not as good for him as you thought. You wait for Ivar to get closer, the sound of his crutches marking his distance rhythmically. You turn around and you can see concern itched on his features, lips parted as he looked down, checking the damage he had done. You force a smile instead, your fist hitting his shoulder playfully as you spoke. “Seems like you are one now.”

Ivar looked at Freydis slowly, who remained inside with Ubbe and Torvi, letting a sigh relief his chest.

“Yes. Yes I am.”

It was such a change of dynamics what Ivar experienced. With you, love and intimacy was never rom-com worthy. Love was roasting each other every other day, picking up on each others scars while making sure they never open again. Love was natural, fluid.

Now with Freydis, he seemed to need to prove her where she remained in his circle in a daily basis, lovey dovey words making sure she knew where she stood in his life. Truth be told, it was easier this way to love someone. He just needed to make sure to shower her with nice things, just like she did when she saw him doubting himself.

“How does it feel to be permanently tall now?” You asked, trying to change the subject as you felt the tenderness of his voice as he spoke about his future wife.”Don’t you feel like you’re going to fall at anytime?” Ivar smirks, resting himself in the railing you were pointing at.

“Nah.”

“What if I pushed you though.” You joked lightly, hand on his back as if you were truly going to do so. Ivar shrugs calmly before looking at you.

“I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time you make me fall.” You roll your eyes, remembering the conversation you had the first night where everything seemed to be in the right place.

“Oh, c’mon, I already apologised and I don’t even remember it.” You refer to that time you supposedly made him stand up for the first time.

Ivar smiled nostalgically. He didn’t mean that.

“You know I’ll be around if you need me.” Ivar promised sincerely after staring at you for what it seemed like an eternity, getting closer to you as you nodded weakly. “I have to go and give a speech now, please wait for me until I finish it, alright? Be there for me.” He placed a finger under your chin as he inspected your face, puffy eyes, blood flushed cheeks and pouted lips revealing the damage he had done.

He just wanted to ask for a dance, discreetly, before his wedding day takes away the chance of feeling you twirling around him on his last first dance.

His hand held your fingers tightly. 

Rough skin never felt so soft, the warmth of his touch contrasting with the cold blue eyes staring at you. His brows were slightly furrowed, solely noticeable for the ones that dared to stand closer to him. Marks appeared on his forehead, horizontal lines crossing out the words his parted lips refused to let out of his mind. Ivar was holding himself back, letting the fire of his fears and yearnings consume him from within. Only his eyes exposed his introspection, your heart clenching as you saw him process his thoughts. It did feel like he was holding to you for dear life, not wanting to let go like a kid who caught his first butterfly.

Until he did.

He took a step back, glancing briefly towards your direction before parting, heavy steps ringing in your ears louder than the classical music playing in the room.

He was not going to leave.

But you knew, deep down, that he was gone already.

You followed suit and collected all your strength left to move yourself into the room. Your legs seemed to burn, unwilling to take you closer to the golden stage for someone to end your remaining emotional and mental health left with a few words.

You see from afar how he gets onstage with Freydis, who hugged his broad frame with care before he grabbed the mic. He started talking about his father, how everything started with him and how Aslaug maintained the business when he was gone. He talked about taking risks, success and investing in things that had value and fight for them.

"Enough about business, tell us about that piece of cake next to you!” A family friend shouted, his huge round tummy serving as a place to rest his hand, his braided beard caressing his exposed skin as he laughed. 

Ivar, standing right above the crowd, seemed to throw daggers with his stare, unhappy that a drunk man interrupted his ceremonial speech. But next to him the woman he was going to spend his life with giggled carelessly, getting closer to him with the wish of her fiancé to sing her praises to everybody in the room. 

“How did that woman you love ‘successfully invested’ in you!” He speaks again and at this point, Ivar is fuming. 

You looked around concerned, knowing that your childhood friend was short fused and may do something that could trouble him sooner or later. It didn’t help that the rest of the crowd was laughing too, insisting on him to talk about his fiancée, asking for him to be vulnerable in front of everybody. 

You saw Freydis calmly poking him with his elbow and how his eyes were about to pop out of his head. But then he leaned down and let her whisper in his ear and gradually, slowly, his mood seemed to change as the crowd quieted down at the sight of him clearing his throat and picking the mic to speak again.

You frowned, not sure of what poison did she give him for Ivar to suddenly change that way.

“See, you just need to show her something, something she’s never done before. Something that captures your attention, that is good enough to capture her soul. And — and she will take her time to learn” Ivar starts, eyes seemingly fixed somewhere far away from the stage. Somewhere like the very last lines of people standing in front of him, listening to him. “She simply makes something better out of it. Something brighter, even though you didn’t even think it could be possible. Even though you couldn’t even phantom you’d need so much light in your life, she proves you wrong, just like she does in every fight.” Ivar paused to chuckle, remembering the time he tried to convince you to hire strippers for the club. 

Everybody laughed after a deep collective ‘aww’ and he can feel the person standing next to him shift her weight and getting closer to him with affection. But he already was way too deep into his memories, pulling out good moments and unsaid words for the public to see how consolidated his relationship was. His tone shifted at the same time he noticed from afar how you start to break down, eyes not being able to look at him as your chest trembled. He was not aware of the harm those words would do to you without applying his own context, yet he begged for you to figure out that everything he said, he said it about you. 

“And...” Ivar swallowed, vulnerability starting to drip from every word he said. “And the thing is, she doesn’t even do it because of you. She doesn’t search for nobody’s approval. She just loves to make things better. That’s her gift, that’s her growth.”

Ivar finished and, for a brief moment, everybody remained silent. It took a minute, but then everyone seemed to burst into applause, everybody but three dumbfounded brothers looking at their youngest sibling as if he had lost his damn mind.

By the time he got closer to Freydis for a kiss you were choking in your own tears, your throat too tightly closed it seemed too difficult for you to breathe. Was this the reason why he wanted you to stay? To hear what he had to say about his fiancée? 

You shook your head, searching for the oldest Aslaugsson in the crowd.

You had enough.

"Ubbe, do you have a minute?” You asked weakly, doe eyes looking at the ground for a brief moment before gaining your composure again.

“Yeah,” he apologised to the guests he was with “what’s wrong?” He moved closer to you, the glass of champagne in his hand and the conversation he was participating in long forgotten.

“You were right.” You admitted your defeat, your head high and your chest puffed out. “I accept the offer.” You managed to let out as you took a few steps back, ignoring the way Ubbe said your name, with pity and sadness tearing through you as if you were a poor broken toy. “Tell Hvitty he can keep my share of the bar.”

Part I / Part II / Sequel (Words Into Smoke)

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[moistwithgender]

Monthly Media Roundup (April 2019)

April was a bit of a disaster month for me, and as such I didn’t get much of anything finished. Old wounds got reopened, I was sick all month, I had an unavoidably bad birthday, and a lifelong pet died. I didn’t engage with a lot of things, and mostly slept. I did play a lot of Breath of the Wild, but seeing as I didn’t finish that, I’m not including it yet. Here’s the things I did finish:

Games:

Blaster Master Zero (Switch): I actually first bought and finished this two years ago, and since the sequel has come out I decided to replay it with the Shovel Knight DLC character. While I genuinely like this game (I 100%’d it both times), I was not really in a good spot to enjoy this playthrough, and just kinda mindlessly pushed through it for nine consecutive hours, beating it in that single sitting. Playing as a DLC character removes the story, which is fine since they’re intended for replays, though I wonder if it added to my emotional disconnect. SK doesn’t receive fall damage, and so the precariousness of navigating the world outside of the highly-mobile tank doesn’t exist nearly as much, though the trade-off is that SK’s combat abilities in dungeons are hindered by an overall lack of range. The game is still rather easy, though, so I can’t say any particular level cadences or combat scenarios carved their way into my memory.

To the game’s credit, though, the things that are good about it are still good. If you have an attachment to the original NES game, or an interest in retro properties, or just want a nice, breezy platformer, it’s very good. It’s interesting in how it repurposes the altered plot of the US version of the original game (where it was its most popular), including even the plot of the little novelization that came out because Gotta Get Those Video Game Kids to Read Something. It has a fake out ending, and if you 100% the maps it unlocks a final map that is genuinely surreal enough to be the highlight of the game. Despite my sighing, it is a genuinely good time, and I’m very curious to play the new game, somewhat hilariously titled Blaster Master Zero 2.

Anime:

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I chewed through the last four episodes of this so that I could say I finally finished the season. I didn’t watch the post-season recap episode. TenSura (the abbreviation of the Japanese title, which I will use to refer to it because satisfyingly abbreviating the english title is impossible) is not a very good show, but for about half the length of the 24-episode first season, it fascinates due to how it functions at all. TenSura is an isekai show, much like the other isekai shows, where a person dissatisfied with their life is brutally murdered (usually by a truck. USUALLY by a truck) and is reborn in a fantasy world that coincidentally gives them an absurd advantage over other people, allowing them to live out all the decadence they felt they deserved in the real world. If this sounds like the most boring kind of wish fulfillment possible to you, that’s because it is. It’s also extremely popular with consumers. Which is interesting! I think the isekai boom is indicative of how late-stage capitalism everyday people the world over, that we envision or escape to worlds where your efforts actually return appropriate reward. A bonkers concept, to be sure.

In TenSura, the formula doesn’t stray much. The main character is a man in his 30s (?) who has never fucked and gets knifed to death while HEROICALLY saving a coworker from a plot-irrelevant stabber dude who was running down the sidewalk with his knife out for no reason besides Main Character Needs an Inciting Incident Now. It’s actually pretty weirdly violent for the start to a show that is almost entirely light-hearted. Dude dies, his coworker dumps his hard drive in the bath out of respect (lol), and he wakes up in a fantasy world that works on videogame logic, including loot, skill trees, and class upgrades. He is reborn as an adorable slime a la Dragon Quest, but the personality traits he had in his previous life (and I guess his choice of dying words) scan to obscenely convenient passive abilities that ensure he’s not only invincible, but will never stop experiencing exponential power growth. Also he immediately makes friends with a final boss-level dragon and then eats him. That’s how he makes friends in this sometimes.

I’m being very cynical here, but the core narrative loop (and it IS a loop) of the series kept my interest for longer than I expected. Rimuru (the name of the reborn protagonist) goes somewhere he hasn’t been, astonishes the nearby (sometimes violent) inhabitants with his overpowered abilities, makes friends with them, and then improves their lives with community. Goblins, direwolves, orcs, demon lords. It stacks and builds upon itself to absurd degrees but it’s interesting that in a genre loaded with very problematic stories of disenchanted dudes finally getting the underage harem they’ve always wanted (aaaaAAAAAAAAA) that the main concept of this series is improving the lives of others and giving them closure for the ways life has hurt them. Even if. Sometimes that hurt was the main character’s doing? Like Rimuru absolutely decapitates a direwolf leader and then adopts the pack who from then on absolutely LOVE the dude. Also one of Rimuru’s abilities is that if he gives a monster a name, it class upgrades, which is generally and reasonably seen as a life improvement. Though, these class upgrades are almost always decidedly “less-tribal” or outright human, which smacks of some imperialist thinking. It’s also something I’m sure I never questioned in old videogames growing up. Meanwhile, there’s also a bit with a woman who came from Japan during that one really bad war, you know the one, and the closure she’s given as she’s dying is handled with actual delicacy. It’s a weird series! It’s only a shame to me that after most of the first season, there was less to talk about. Sometime after the halfway mark, you realize the show is never going to maintain tension for more than half an episode, that all problems are solvable (yes, even terminally ill children), and that the show isn’t going anywhere you can’t predict. It’s a checklist show, and the plot points are a list of achievements being checked off one episode at a time.

I don’t think I would actually recommend the show to most people, despite how popular it is. It’s not a great show, but it does weird enough things for a while that it generates conversations. Which is honestly pretty okay. It’s a pretty okay show. Also, Rimuru is effectively nonbinary (with he pronouns), and that’s… somethin’! (24 episodes, finished 4/17/19, Crunchyroll (Funimation also now has the dub I think? Clips I saw were pretty weird, Rimuru seemed to be characterized differently.))

Manga:

Nejimaki Kagyu Vol 1: You would think a manga that immediately starts with a reference to Phantom Blood would be, well, at least interesting.

Okay maybe invoking a beloved work doesn’t actually mean anything. I just wanted to share this blatant callback. Nejimaki Kagyu is a seinen manga about a highschool teacher whose tragically cursed to, uh, have all teenage girls fall in love with him. And the highschool-age childhood friend of his who has spent her whole life obsessed with him and learning super martial arts to defend his chastity. Her supers make her clothes explode.

…

I take no joy in this travesty.

Anyway, uh. The biggest tragedy here is that the art is actually really good, though the paneling is regularly squished around to hilarious degree. Let’s look at some pages and then forget this manga exists forever.

That horror face is how I feel the entire series should be portraying itself. The manga has a distinct lack of self-awareness.

The fan translation for this series appears to have dropped off halfway through and hasn’t been picked up for years, and based on reviews I saw on MAL talking about the directionlessness of the later volumes, I wonder if the translator got fed up with the series. Oh well!

Kyou no Asuka Show Vol 1: Oh god damn it I just got done with talking about a series about ogling the youth.

BLEASE STOP

Okay so. Kyou no Asuka Show, or “Today’s Asuka Show” is an older slice of life manga by the same author I mentioned previously who is doing an edutainment series about people working in a condom factory. Innocently-minded women in comedically lewdish situations appears to be his whole bag. I think Asuka is pretty charming, but I also know she’s designed to appeal to my monkey male gaze. Obliviously sexy is very much a mood, and in a more adult context I would be all for it. There have been a few chapters where I find myself at odds with the wisdom the author is attempting to impart, sometimes through Asuka’s father, who works as an adult photographer, and doesn’t want his daughter involved in anything that could cause her to be ogled. Like, that’s already something that requires a lot of unpacking in the modern day. Aforementioned wisdom sometimes takes the form of Asuka doing something stupid and innocent and ripe for objectifying, like wearing a school swimsuit in a rainstorm. Or she’ll work a job as a cute girl courier and inadvertently turn a shut-ins life around. Situations where, if it were in real life, I’d think “wow that’s weird and charming,” but by being a work of intentional authorship, it inherently loses some of that innocence, and becomes something well-meaning but problematic. Is that the second time I’ve used the word “problematic” in this post? Is this 2014?

I may continue reading this, but I really can’t recommend it to most people I know in 2019 without several disclaimers and also without probably getting some side eye. I think it’s worth a couple chapters to feel out what its doing before you decide whether you can siphon the charm from it, or would rather move on to something else.

Me enjoying myself when this manga tries to suddenly get up to some shit.

Blue Period Vol 1: This is the last thing on my list, because I don’t want to expand this list beyond the three mediums I’ve already assigned to it. Also, I actually finished this May 1st, but I wanted to talk about it now.

If I had the power to actually get people to engage with a specific work once per month, Blue Period would easily be the one I pick. That doesn’t mean as much when all the other things I finished this month were conflicted experiences, but I really think everyone would benefit from this series. Or at least anyone with even a passing interest in visual arts.

Blue Period (named for Picasso’s Blue Period) is about a highschool delinquent who has a knack for studying, a safe social life, and no interests in pretty much anything. He’s on the road to do fine in his life, and he doesn’t question it much, but that’s it, until he discovers art and realizes it’s the only way he’s ever been able to truly communicate his feelings. It changes everything about him, for more emotionally satisfying reasons, but also riskier ones. He only has one year of highschool to go to decide what he’s doing with his life, and Japan has a very strict education system. You’re not really allowed to just “get around” to things.

Apologies in advance if you’re tired of me spamming full pages but I really do wanna show this off. This is another series with an educational angle to it, though the emphasis is definitely more rooted in a personal narrative of growth. The explanations of art practice and the functionality of exercises and tools are both very informative and relevant to the characters, never feeling like the story is taking a backseat to explain. The characters are, hilariously, everyone I’ve ever met in an art class. There’s the kid who would rather exclusively draw the things they like, there’s the kid who likes art as a hobby but haaaates being given a project, etc etc. There are students who have an innate grasp on how to draw but haven’t internalized the Why of the exercises, and students who are receptive to the lessons but don’t have the ability to match. The narrative is extremely even-handed towards all of these different levels of skills, and places a lot more importance on why, emotionally, you should totally care about drawing apples and water pitchers for five hours at a time. It’s GREAT and I want to force it on every creative I’ve ever known.

Another thing I appreciate about this series so far is that while there has been something resembling sexual/romantic tension, it’s kind of not like that at all? In the first volume I haven’t been able to pinpoint where a potential relationship subplot would go, if at all. Two possibilities are this girl:

...who is a very likable character but surprisingly doesn’t fit into that box of “standard love interest”. The protag’s interactions with her have been exclusively respectful and admiring, which doesn’t even necessarily imply a romantic subplot, but would be pretty cool if it did? And the other girl:

...who is featured in decidedly more sexual tension-y contexts, is actually TRANS. The manga actually portrays them so uncompromisingly feminine that I didn’t realize they were crossdressing (the term used in the text) until the author’s notes at the end of the volume. I will partially blame this on me being out of it this month, since I just went back to their introduction and yep, they got misgendered and contested it. Given how the character is regularly framed (confident, attractive, skilled, nonstereotypical), I’m… pretty okay with this! If a romance blooms between a delinquent boy and a trans girl, that’s amazing.

I hope y’all understand where I’m coming from in expecting a shoehorned romantic subplot. I’m not hoping for one, I just know the product by now. And if it happens, the options are considerably more interesting than usual.

These are pretty good kids.

Manga licensing is a lot better nowadays than it ever was before, with lots of obscure series being picked up, old series getting re-localized, and translations being better than ever. I really really want this series to get licensed so someone can be compensated for it, and so more people might read it. Until then, I think you should look up the fan work.

---

So that’s all for April. If these posts included live-action movies, I’d have talked about Endgame, but I also don’t want to go spoiling anything for someone who still wants to go see that (it’s probably one of my favorite MCU movies, though). I read most of 1970-71 in Marvel comics, or at least most of the issues on my reading list, but I semi-liveblog about those, so you can just search my “curry reads comics” tag for that. Here’s hoping I have more interesting, more positive things to say about May in a month. I expect to finish Breath of the Wild by then, so I’ll finally talk about that. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Go check out Blue Period.

[fallinglntokillugon]

Diving Through Hoops with You: Part 1

A Fluffy KilluGon Fanfic by Falling lnto Pieces

Synopsis: Gon and Killua meet up in Atelsea City for a week to spend together. Part 1: Gon won’t focus on Killua trying to show off on their date at the gym. Then Gon gets a phone call and he says he has to go somewhere by himself?

Characters: Gon and Killua, Alluka mentioned

Pairing: KilluaXGon, KilluGon

Genre/Mood: Boys Love, Cute, Tone Shifts 

Rating: T

So this was supposed to be a fully finished KilluGon Day 2018 fic for January 7th, but it didn’t happen on time. I drew a picture that day and posted it on @fallinglntopieces instead (but spoilers, so don’t look at it...). I still dedicate this fic to @dziwna-violet-aya because having these two get married (with Killua on top) will always be the true dream. Please enjoy Part 1 and comment if you want more cute or maybe something more sensual - I haven’t decided.

He wasn’t focused, at least not on the training they were doing. As soon as the duo started going around the gym together, Killua could tell that Gon was not giving his all. Instead of completing their old workout routine, the black-haired boy was intent on checking the beetle-shaped cell phone every chance he thought he had. His restless fidgeting was cute to Killua, especially since Gon thought he was hiding his actions well.

The pair hadn’t seen each other in person for months. Killua was, of course, traveling the globe with Alluka, while Gon had been stuck doing mountains of schoolwork. On Christmas day, Killua had gotten an excited call at two o’clock in the morning. Mito-san says I can leave the island for a week so I can see you!, the older boy had nearly screamed into the phone. The ex-assassin was glad that no one was able to see him blush with happiness at the news. After telling the idiot to be quieter so Alluka could sleep in peace, the two planned out their meeting in Atelsea City, which had started two days ago on January 5th.

This morning, Killua had suggested the idea of training together at a gym. Since they used to do it often back in the day, he said he thought it might be fun. The truth actually was that he wanted to show off the strength he had acquired while training alone. But, the younger boy didn’t want to display his new skills in their shared hotel room - it would make it too obvious that he wanted to be praised by his biggest fan.

Gon readily agreed to the activity with a beaming smile, mentioning that he had been unable to remember the routine without his best friend. They packed their bags and headed out to the closest local pay-per-use gym. But, while they were walking along, Gon’s mind had already started to depart from the tasks he was going to perform. Killua could tell that his partner was probably not going to put in 100% of his effort, but, man, he was unprepared for what actually was to come.

After changing into training outfits consisting of the usual shorts and tank tops, the boys got to work at about nine o’clock. Starting with their warm-up exercises, Gon did seven sets instead of ten before pulling out his phone. The white-haired boy called him out on it and got the excuse of, “You know I’m bad at math. I’ll do my other four sets in a moment.” During bench pressing, Killua decided to show off his improved upper-body strength by adding more weights than Gon had. The older boy was supposed to be spotting his best friend, but when a ding came from his phone, he quickly let go of the metal bar to check the new message. Killua got the wind knocked out of him as he struggled against gravity to remove the bar from his chest without help.

At the lat pulldown, the boys were each at a machine, side by side. Seeing a chance for revenge, Killua changed Gon’s pin setting to the heaviest weight, only to watch as the older boy mindlessly pulled until the mechanism fell forward to crush him. Killua elbowed his partner out of harm’s way and took the blow of the heavy machine for himself. While scrambling to right the wrong he had caused, the brown eyes were back at the phone screen.

While Gon used the leg press, Killua was refilling his water bottle to hold against his bruising right shoulder. As he capped the bottle, he heard Gon’s phone ring for half a second before a loud crash of breaking machinery. Spinning around, Killua watched as the boy in the green shorts dashed away from the destruction he had caused in his excitement. Everyone else in the gym stared speechlessly at the result of half the leg press having been catapulted into a rack of dumbbells. Killua slunk back to the locker room, seeing that leaving as soon as possible was probably for the best.

Opening his locker and taking out his knapsack, the ex-assassin sifted through the contents until he found his towels.

“Killua, Killua! Are you in here?” a voice called into the locker room excitedly.

“What is it?” the one in question responded emotionlessly, putting his bag back into the locker.

“I need to - well, I have a place I need to go to on the other side of town.”

“Let’s take showers first and then we can go.”

“Uh, well… I need to go alone.”

“How long will it take?”

“Hmm, maybe like three hours to go there and back.”

Turning to face the older boy who was walking closer, Killua saw that Gon was trying to suppress a trio of emotions and was doing a bad job at it. He finally chose a secretive, apologetic blush, which was a very attractive look.

“Is it something urgent?” Killua inquired, cocking his head to the side as he slung his towels over his left shoulder. He got a nod in response. “Can we really not just go together?” He got a more vigorous head bob and a set of chocolate puppy eyes.

“It’s important that I go by myself! Please, Killua, go back to the hotel room and wait for me there!”

With a somber sigh, Killua lowered his head so that his bangs cast shadows to hide the cattish grin that crept across his face. Gon was so cute when he begged like this! Actually, all the emotions that had been on display over the past three days were all treasures. The white-haired boy hadn’t realized how much he had missed seeing his best friend up close and personal… and how much he had missed sadistically manipulating all those feelings.

“It’s been a long time since we last saw each other, Gon,” Killua complained, raising his head to showcase an overdramatic disappointed expression, “You know that, right?”

“I do…” was the sheepish reply. Gon started to press his index fingers together nervously.

“Yeah, you do. And you’re gonna spend our valuable time by focusing on something other than me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Here I was, ready to have a great morning showing off how much stronger I’ve gotten, but you didn’t seem to notice one bit. You were giving all your attention to your phone. Don’t think I didn’t catch that.”

“B-but I was waiting for a call from… uh,” the black-haired boy covered his mouth before he spilled his big secret.

“Oh, and now that you got it, you’re gonna have me sit in our room for half the afternoon while you go all the way across town to have an adventure by yourself?” Killua criticized, putting his hands on his hips in preparation for the guilt-tripped plea. One more sentence would probably have the other boy cutely begging for forgiveness. What would work best would probably be… “Wow, Gon. I didn’t realize that leaving me was so easy for you to-”

“Don’t say stuff like that!” Gon cried out, cutting his partner off by grabbing the collar of his white tank top. The older boy’s facial features were very serious as he forcefully shoved Killua into the wall of lockers with a loud bang. His hands trembled slightly.

“Oi, watch the shoul-”

“Take it back!”

“Gon, I-”

“How could you say that to me?!” Enraged, Gon’s eyebrows furrowed as he tightened his grip and glared at his best friend at an arm’s length.

“I-I’m sorry!” Killua blurted out promptly, turning his head to avoid the fiery golden eyes that bore into him. His plan had backfired spectacularly. Gon definitely looked way more angry than the flustered he had been aiming for.

“Then take it back!”

“I take it back! I take back what I said. I took it a little too far.”

“A lot too far!”

“A little.”

“A lot.”

“A little.”

“A lot.”

“Idiot, maybe you’re just a lot more sensitive,” Killua mumbled, almost canceling out his shoddy attempt at bringing his best friend back to a calm state. He felt the hold on his shirt loosen and turned his gaze back to Gon. His blue eyes widened as a wave of regret washed over his heart.

“Of course I might be, Killua…” The fury had fallen into an expression of hurt.

“Ah, Gon, I -”

“I’ve missed having you by my side… because I love you so much.”

Back when they parted ways at the World Tree many months ago, Gon felt like his heart had gotten a chunk taken out of it. Ever since then, he had yearned to be with Killua again. Messaging on the phone or talking over a video chat would never be enough. It was their physical closeness that he had taken for granted and not cherished quite enough. He knew Killua felt this way as well, so it was too much to hear such cruel words leave his lover’s mouth, even as a joke.

Letting his towels drop to the floor, Killua moved to sit down on the locker room bench. Even though his shoulder stung, he held his arms open so he could properly ease the distress he had caused the most important person in his world. “Me too... so come here.”

Gon took a seat on the other boy’s lap and they embraced. Killua stroked his boyfriend’s back comfortingly with his left hand, hoping that he could make the bright smile return quickly.

“Sometimes you’re really mean,” the boy in green grumbled, rubbing his nose into the crook of Killua’s neck.

“Ow,” the other winced, “your reactions are always too cute. It makes me wanna tease you sometimes.”

“Well, that wasn’t teasing. That was just being mean.”

“Okay, okay. I took it too far. I’m sorry, Gon. Will you forgive me?”

Killua rested his arms around Gon’s waist as he leaned back. They touched foreheads and the ex-assassin was glad to see that he hadn’t made his beloved cry. The couple sat in silence for a moment before the black-haired boy’s face softened into an affectionate grin.

“Of course I will. Out of everyone in the world, I love Killua the most.”

“And I… me too.”

“You what too?”

“Shoot, don’t make me say it out loud.”

“But we’re lovers, Killua! Lovers say they love each other! I love Killua!”

“B-b-baka, don’t shout that. We’re in a locker ro-”

Gon cut off his life partner’s embarrassment with a sweet kiss. Under him, he felt Killua’s body stiffen in surprise. He pestered the other boy’s lips with a handful of innocent smooches before he felt them being reciprocated. Closing his eyes, he let the white-haired boy’s tender warmth envelop him. It was the little moments like these that let Gon know he was truly loved. He wanted to keep Killua with him forever if he could… but not right now.

Before Killua had the chance to spice up the kisses with some tongue action, Gon pulled away. This black-haired boy had the cutest blush on his face, but also a look of determination.

“Killua, please go back to the hotel room.”

“Alright.”

“Even by taxi it’ll take me about three hours.”

“Fine, sure.”

“I’ll message you every ten, no, every five minutes, okay?”

“Gon, that seems a bit…”

Before Killua could choose a word that wasn’t ‘stupid’, ‘embarrassing’, or ‘childish’ to hide his pleasure, his lover slid off his lap. The older boy checked the time on his phone before grabbing his jacket and backpack from his locker.

“It’s already eleven, so I’m gonna get going. I want to come back to you as quickly as I can!”

“Nah, take your time. I’ve got stuff I can do. Starting with a shower.”

“Are you gonna call Alluka-chan?”

“Yeah. And buy an ice pack for my shoulder.”

“Eh, is something wrong with your shoulder?”

“Why you…” Killua grumbled with a sigh. He grabbed his towels from where they had fallen on the ground. When he gazed back up, Gon was peering down at him with a finger pointing to his mouth. “You gonna go?”

“Yeah, but I want one for the road.”

The ex-assassin stood up and locked lips with his partner. Ever since they had first met, Gon had always looked so kissable. Killua was glad to be able to know it was true. When the kiss ended, the two fourteen year olds grinned at each other lovingly. Then, the boy with the big secret ran out of the locker room and the boy with the bigger secret hung the towels over his unharmed shoulder.

Killua went to take a shower, checking out all the new bruises caused by the morning’s failed workout. He hadn’t really gotten sweaty, but the water was definitely refreshing. It was a peaceful time alone in the shower. Once it had been long enough, he got out and toweled off, returning to his locker to get dressed. Grabbing his clean set of clothes, he was gingerly slipping into a button-up shirt when his phone chimed. After he finished buttoning it, Killua took the beetle out of his knapsack with an excited grin. The boy’s eyes softened as he scanned through the childish texts he had received:

11:07 - “I’m looking for a taxi. I love you, Killua!”

11:12 - “I am in the taxi now. I love you, Killua!”

11:17 - “This old guy is pretty funny. I love you, Killua!”

11:22 - “I wish you were with me… I love you, Killua!”

“This idiot,” Killua murmured to himself with a chuckle, “…I love you too, Gon.”

With that finally said, he put his phone on silent mode before exiting through the ventilation system in order to avoid paying for the damages Gon had caused in the poor Atelsea gym.

[dorothyd89]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

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http://ift.tt/2oKP64J

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A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps published first on http://ift.tt/2kRppy7

[albertcaldwellne]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

http://ift.tt/2p9Kp5T

[joshuabradleyn]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

http://ift.tt/2p9Kp5T

[ruthellisneda]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

http://ift.tt/2p9Kp5T

[neilmillerne]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain���s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

http://ift.tt/2p9Kp5T

[almajonesnjna]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

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[johnclapperne]

A Nerd’s Guide to Mindfulness: Be More Mindful With These Steps

This is an article from Team NF’s Mental Health Professional (and father of 3), Dan Schmidt. 

Ever heard of “living in the moment,” been told to “stop and smell the roses,” or to just “go with the flow”?

Nothing but a bunch of tired clichés, constantly reworded slightly to clog up our Instagram and Facebook feeds by old acquaintances and weird relatives, right?

Perhaps, but there may be much more to these trite sayings than we think.

Do you ever pause a video game in the middle of a crucial point or battle just so you can “gather your thoughts” and “calm your nerves”? Just silencing your mind and focusing for a brief moment can really help you out.

You may not know it, but in a situation like this, you’ve just practiced something called “mindfulness,” a mental technique which enables you to handle problems better and reduce stress through balancing your emotions and mind.

Mindfulness is all the rage at the moment, but is it simply a cleverly marketed fad fuelled by hashtags and dodgy life coaches, or something that can perhaps help us on our quest to level up our lives?

So, if you don’t mind (get it?), let’s find out.

What the hell is mindfulness?

As with many “new-age” practices, the concept of mindfulness has actually been around for thousands of years. For us humans, thinking is kind of our thing.

It’s an incredibly simple, yet challenging, mental technique adapted from Buddhist practice to now suit non-religious contexts. Some people assume it’s about clearing your head and thinking about thinking “NOTHING.”

It’s actually more about stepping back and hearing your thoughts without judgment with a relaxed, focused mind.

“So what actually is it?”

Basically, mindfulness is just being aware of what you are doing, when you are doing it, and becoming a master of your mind, rather than being controlled by your subconscious impulses.

Even as you’re skimming through this article, how many other things do you have rushing through your head right now?

Thinking about what to cook for dinner?

Weekend plans?

How you should be working instead?

Did you already check your email?

Where is Karen Formica?

Worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Our world and lives keep getting busier and more ‘urgent’ (thanks to our phones and the internet), and as a result, so do our minds. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly moving from one thing to the next without a moment’s rest.

In fact, did you know our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time?

That’s right, nearly half of our waking lives, we’ve got our minds on something else. Yeah, physically I’m reading the same freaking book to my kids for the 80th time, but I’m actually on auto-pilot thinking about my work deadlines. The next day I’m at work trying to meet those deadlines, but I’m now mentally planning the weekend with the kids.

It’s like that YouTube rabbithole we’ve all been down. You might have started searching for “how to do a push-up” and then all of a sudden it’s 2am and you’re watching an instructional video on how to ride a unicycle and you don’t even own a unicycle.

It’s like parts of our brain and bodies are at odds with the other parts.

If you want to level up your brain, spend better quality time with your loved ones, improve your work life, family life, and love life, it starts with developing mindfulness.

Don’t believe me? Ouch. That’s okay, I’ll give you the science because I’m nice like that.

Does mindfulness actually work?

“Will this practice actually achieve anything, or is this just another waste of time mixed with pseudoscience and inspirational instagram quotes?”

Great question – what kind of NF Rebel would you be if you weren’t also skeptical and demanding proof?!

A whole lot of evidence–based research has shown consistent, reliable, and reproducible results that mindfulness has a huge range of health and psychological benefits. It’s been around for ages and been a part of psychological therapies since the 70’s: there’s no denying it, it’s not going away anytime soon, and the benefits are astounding.

Supporting the brain’s capacity to stay focused on what you are doing, as you are doing it, can help you in so many ways, including:

Stress relief

Building resilience

Regulating mood

Overcoming addiction

Improving sleep

Managing depression and/or anxiety

Increasing focus, concentration and learning capacity

Reducing heart rate

Improving immunity

Boosting happiness

So, want a better quality of life, without having to spend anything, go anywhere, or really even do anything? Why not give mindfulness a shot if you haven’t already?

With a little bit of patience, regularly practicing mindfulness for just a few minutes each day can improve your happiness and help you better cope with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s a blue shell).

Practicing mindfulness regularly reminds us that underneath our troubling emotions and negative thoughts is a deep sense of calm, joy and peace.

Where is my mind?

Stop and take a moment, right now. Ask yourself, as the Pixies did: “Where is my mind?”

Focus on this moment in your life, right now. Be present. Take notice of your posture, your breathing, the font of the words you are reading. Let your thoughts about this moment come to you, and listen to them without judgment.

Just focus on what you are doing, and ONLY that thing, right now. Just do it for a few seconds.

Congratulations, you’ve now practiced mindfulness. INT + 1.

Incredibly simple, but when practicing it for more than a few moments, it can be difficult to keep your mind from wandering. It’s like trying to herd monkeys hopped up on Mountain Dew, in a rainstorm, blindfolded.

At least, that’s what it’s like for me most of the time.

Think of it this way: As Jonathan Haidt puts it, you are a rider (your rational brain) atop an elephant (your emotional/subconscious side) – you do your best to guide the elephant and work with it, but it often does what it wants to do:

If you struggle with keeping your focus on something for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone. That device in your pocket is designed to distract you every 5 seconds, we’re in the age of RIGHT NOW and INSTANT, and every type of entertainment you need is within arm’s reach thanks to technology.

Here’s how you can start and develop your mindfulness practice, thanks to an amazing 80’s comedy.

Be the ball, Danny

Due to its simplicity, how one practices and gets the most out of mindfulness is really dependent on the individual. Some practice full-on meditation (more on that later), Nerd Fitness Yoga (or mindful movement), affirmations, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or they simply find a quiet moment to themselves.

For me, whenever I have the time, or get stressed (which, with three young children, is more often than not), I get in touch with some advice from the sophisticated highbrow cinematic masterpiece, and my favorite movie of all time, Caddyshack:

Ty Webb, played by Chevy Chase, perfectly sums up mindfulness in a way I can understand with his golfer’s approach on Eastern Philosophy:

“Just relax. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Find your center. Be the ball.”

Just relax – Get comfortable and focus on your breathing.

Stop thinking – (Not completely) try to keep your thoughts from wandering away.

Let things happen – Let your thoughts come to you, and listen without judgment.

Listen to your mind. Be calm, fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Be the ball – Keep focused on the present moment.

For me, “be the ball” is all about staying focused on what I am doing, as I am doing it. Initially, “be the ball” just started with my golf game. Instead of overthinking my swing, I deliberately wouldn’t address the ball until I had cleared all thoughts from my head and JUST focused on the shot in front of me.

Over time, I started applying my “be the ball” concepts to other aspects of my life like study and work, and found it was an extremely powerful antidote to keep my easily distractible mind focused on what I needed to be doing.

When practiced regularly, I’ve found mindfulness brings more calm and focus into my insanely busy life, while also reducing stress and building efficiency.

Want a more direct benefit? You’ll eat less!

Studies have shown that people who eat mindlessly (while watching a movie or a TV show, scrolling through their phones, or playing a game) consume significantly MORE calories than people who just eat (meaning they are sitting at a table, eating food, and not doing anything else).

Me-di-tate, good times, c’mon!

“Deep inner sense of calm and peace? So, it’s like meditation, right? Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter?”

Well, kind of… Mindfulness is classified as a form of meditation, yes, but “meditation” is a large umbrella term that encompasses and broadly groups together a wide range of practices under one label, which is handy from a language perspective, but can become confusing when talking about specifics.

For example, if you met someone who said “I enjoy fitness,” does this mean they like running, lifting, walking, hiking, sports or pilates? Or, if you’re “really into gaming,” does this mean video games, tabletop, small Austrian villages, role-playing, or even gambling?

Meditation (which we’ve covered really well here at Nerd Fitness) is really broad, whereas mindfulness is quite specific. They are certainly complementary, and there is some overlap between the two, but I like to think of mindfulness almost as “gateway meditation” or “casual meditation.”

Many who start with mindfulness may go on to explore more about meditation if they’re looking to delve in even deeper, but others like myself are quite content with our mindful moments.

If someone asked me if I meditate, I’d say no. I don’t “meditate” in the traditional sense; I guess I’m channelling my inner Ron Swanson here.

I don’t own a special cushion or one of those cool little benches, I’m not an overly spiritual or religious person, I’m not keen on crossing my legs for lengthy periods, and the smell of incense just reminds me of being hungover in Thailand.

But do I regularly exercise my mind for psychological and physical benefit? Hell yeah. It’s easy, free, convenient, beneficial and I can even do it on a plane, train, or automobile.

Now I’m certainly not trying to downplay meditation as a whole here at all (shoutout to all our rad Druids), as it’s proven that meditation is extremely powerful. Just know that you don’t need to meditate to practice mindfulness.

There are many ways you can increase your mindfulness in day-to-day life. This could be through specific activities like yoga, golf (my favorite) and art, or even by just paying more attention during regular daily activities like reading, cooking, walking, driving, eating or something as basic doing the dishes.

Regardless of the activity, just remember, mindfulness is simply awareness of the present moment. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere.

Start being more mindful today!

Mindfulness is something that everyone can develop, and it’s something that anyone can try. I’m racking my brain right now to think of an actual decent reason not to at least try it and I’m coming up empty. The mind is like a muscle, and just like we exercise and eat healthy to keep our bodies fit, practicing mindfulness is a way of keeping our brain fit and healthy too.

Let’s not allow important life moments to get away from us. Mindfulness keeps us focused when we need to be, and the benefits are amazing. Best of all, you can start right freaking now! (Well, maybe finish reading this first.)

Start practicing today by being mindful:

Simply take a few deep breaths

Go for a walk outside

Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and just focus on watching it for a minute or two

Start to levitate (kidding)

A good place to start: notice a flower, the clouds, a tree, anything…perhaps not the sun though:

Try not to do anything except notice the thing you are looking at. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Carefully study every aspect of its configuration and just become momentarily consumed by it.

If you haven’t done it before, it’s initially a very strange experience. I totally agree with those of you thinking that this sounds like a bunch of hippie crap (once again, sorry Druids), but it can really help your brain reboot and become more focused and aware.

Give it a few minutes each day to begin with, that’s all we ask.

I’m not going to promise you that it will totally change your world and solve all your problems. In fact, it probably won’t.

OR WILL IT?!!?!?

No, probably not.

But it will open up the opportunity to get a different perspective on what is happening in your life. We can’t change everything that happens in our life, but we can change how we think about it, and with a strong mind, doing that becomes much easier.

Mindfulness is also a really personal experience; it can’t be guided by a scripture or orders. It can be introduced to a person by another who can explain its purpose and intention, like I may be doing for you now, but no one can direct you how to practice. That’s entirely up to you. Just try anything for a week and let us know how it goes.

So what have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a positive, practical, easy and scientifically proven technique. It’s amazingly self-empowering to be aware of your experiences and see them for what they actually are, rather than getting caught up in the story behind them, which can often lead to mental health issues. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past (much like Nerd Fitness’ “We don’t care where you came from…”), focusing on the here and now and not stressing about the future.

The Mindful Eating Challenge

My dear nerdy friend, go forth and be mindful. With mindfulness becoming more prevalent, there’s a bunch of great mindfulness apps with programs to follow if you’re looking for some extra guidance.

So give it a try: whether it’s through full-on meditation, a guided app, “be the ball,” or simply by taking a more mindful approach to everyday activities like eating, the practice of mindfulness really can actively improve your life.

To make this more practical and concrete, I’m going to issue you a challenge:

During your next meal (or snack), I want you to ONLY eat.

Not “eat AND [insert activity]. Just eat:

No watching TV while eating.

No scrolling through your phone while eating.

No reading a book while eating.

Focus on the food in front of you, the person across from you if you are eating with somebody, and think about each bite you take.

That’s it.

Now, depending on how often you “eat AND [activity],” this could be brutally difficult.

Making this ONE change – only allowing yourself to eat without doing something else – could have dramatically positive consequences on your health. If you’re a mindless snacker, you can only ‘eat my snack’ without surfing the internet or watching tv.

If you always eat your meals in front of the TV, turn it off, and focus on the food you’re consuming.

Gunga gulunga,

Dan

photo credit: JD Hancock: Pinky & The Brain, Milton CJ deep space homer, frederic.gombert: Is it Dark? is it Light ?, National Institutes of Health (NIH): Normal Human Brain, Sean Davis Gunga Gulunga, cplbasilisk dhalsim looking for a fight, ongushi MY FINDER 110: Fuzzy Monday

http://ift.tt/2p9Kp5T