#anyway. now I will hopefully be able to focus tomorrow

[bookwyrminspiration]

finished iron flame 👍

[seventh-district]

my sincerest apologies to anyone who’s messages, comments, etc. that i haven’t replied to yet. i’m just so terribly stressed and busy irl that i’ve barely even been online at all for the past week and at this point i can’t make any promises about when i can update things or reply to things but just. know that i’m trying my absolute best and lowkey running myself into the ground over here and i know it’s probably not obvious and it sounds like an excuse cause i don’t seem like a busy person but there’s a lot of things that happen in my life that i can’t/don’t/shouldn’t/won’t talk about and i really am just. so overwhelmed from it all that i can’t have the consistent online presence i’d like to have. i’m sorry.

i will get back to any comments or messages on all my various platforms as soon as i can. i promise. i just don’t know when “soon” is at this point.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update

CW: discussion of trauma (the trauma was a bad car accident)

I was able to pay for my dog's vet appointment and her medicine thanks to the person who paypal'd me ❤️❤️❤️ She isn't happy about having to take medicine again but hopefully this will be the last round, it's pretty much just probiotics and something to settle her stomach because the antibiotics really did a number on her tummy.

My hands ache from the crash but it's no worse than the soreness after crocheting for several hours. I can do some crocheting but I find thicker yarn much easier and less painful to work with right now. That said, I got a bunch of chenille yarn a while back and I have some larger plush versions of my Ralsei amogus dolls in the works. The first one is almost done, I just have to assemble and attach the hat. Will post a pic when he's done. I want to have at least 2 each with and without squeakers made and then I might reopen my Etsy shop and list them. They will cost more due to the cost of materials, but I'll probably mostly have dolls made of the chenille yarn for a while, at least until I can work with normal yarn without pain within minutes again. I'm hoping to sell a couple by Tuesday because I have another chiropractic appointment that day I'll need to pay for and my husband doesn't get paid again until Friday.

I'm still trying to process what happened. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I will be discussing it with her. This therapist is new to me, my previous one that I had for a few years left the place I'm with and is now working elsewhere. We've only had like 2 sessions but she seems nice. It's just a little frustrating having to break in a new therapist all over again but not really a problem so I'm not worried.

I drove today, to take my dog to the vet. It was scary. I didn't realize how paranoid I would be of other drivers, fully expecting anyone and everyone to whip out in front of me when they're waiting to exit a parking lot to the road or suddenly veer into my lane when they're right beside me and I panicked every time I saw them. It took a lot of self control to not slam on the brakes and to remind myself that other people are not going to do things like that. I have to remember I know how to drive safely and most people are not going to be so reckless as to do the dangerous things my brain is expecting them to do. My anxiety around driving is almost back to where it was while I was still very new at it, terrified to be on the road with other people and having no trust in them and even less trust in myself. I have to build up my confidence again and I have no idea how long it will take.

I have to say, getting hit by one huge trauma all at once sure feels different from the trauma I'm used to, which is the kind that builds up over many years in a toxic and dysfunctional family. It's kind of surreal, I find myself wondering if it was all a dream but then I see the bruises on my legs and feel the ache in my palms and how stiff and sore my body still is even after a chiropractic appointment and see the empty space where I would have parked my vehicle and I have to remember it really happened. I get this weird chill that seeps up the back of my head like cold water in my hair when I remember it. And yeah, I'm grateful I walked away with nothing worse than bruises and stuff my chiropractor fixes literally all the time anyway, but I wish it didn't happen.

It's all such a mess. Right now I'm just trying to focus on keeping myself fed with good food and busy with things that can make some money. I'm making chili tomorrow because it's one of the less expensive things I can make, and also I could use some comfort food after the week I've had. And maybe the familiar routine of cooking the beans will help soothe my brain. I only use dry beans as I can't stand the texture of canned beans. Cooking them isn't difficult or complicated, just time consuming and I think the 2 or 3 hours it'll take to cook them will do me some good.

It's after midnight and I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Goodnight, and stay determined.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[assiely]

♪— 12:23am - Sim Jaeyun ¡! ❞

→Sim Jaeyun x fem! reader

→ synopsis: your best friend helping you with your homework and ended up realising something.

→ warnings: none?

→ genre: fluff 😔🫶����

→ word count: 764

a/n: i swear i love JAKE SIM 😭 don't mind my grammar 😀👍🏻 give feedback guys come on don't be shy😔✌🏻also this is not one of my best 🥲

Having homework on math or just the math itself is the complete opposite of fun. the struggle is real. even the teacher itself is also annoying. why giving these much of work especially on weekends. you couldn't even solve one question from the work. already struggling from the start, you called your best friend Jake to help you out.

He thinks he's pretty good at it but looks like he's also struggling judging from the face. "Jake are you sure you know the answer cause you don't seems to know it by looking at your face" of course he didn't but how can he admit that when he literally call himself 'math genius' 2 days ago.

"i got it trust me" that's what he says. you're not sure if you can trust him. the questions are hard and so many. "the answer should be 3 according to the back answer but i got 7" you swear you could just burn the whole book. the only thing that stopped you is nothing, you just did not burn it yet. "alright let me try."

Almost giving up after a good 10 minutes of him trying to get the right answer. he slowly put down the pen. looking straight at you trying to hold his laugh. "i got 10.5" a good seconds of silence were heard before bursting into laughter. even the 'math genius' couldn't get the right answer you honestly didn't know what to do.

"how did i even get 10.5? is there something wrong with the questions?" he even blamed it on the question now. he insists on trying again but this time he got 77.8??? is he really good at math or he just trippin'. "jake how!? 77.8? i didn't even get that much of number!" you laughed, shouted at him. but in return he just giggle looking at you.

When you laughed, he felt something in his chest. he felt so good seeing you laughing when he is the one making you laugh. he didn't even realise you're that pretty when you smile of course he did think that you're a pretty girl but just now you're even more beautiful. he just stare lovingly at you while you're busy laughing at him but he didn't mind that one bit.

"let's take a break although no question is solved. I'll make some ramyeon for us" jake agreed to you because it's ramyeon. you quickly went to the kitchen and make some ramyeon with SPAM of course. after 15 mins it's done. you served the ramyeon and eat.

"you can rest I'll try solving it for you hopefully this time i get the right answer" it's past 10 now and you're tired so without complain you rest your head on the table near him and doze off to sleep. for only 15 minutes he was able to concentrate. how can he focus on math when you're sleeping next to him. he look at you and thinks you're the cutest little angel ever to exist. he found himself staring at you for as long as he can remember. he take pictures of you and smile like an idiot.

"So cute" he mumbled. you suddenly moved from your position and that make him flinched a little, quickly put his phone away afraid that you might see him. "did you get the answer jakey?" you asked half asleep. 'jakey' that's all he have on his mind. you never called him like that. it made his heart skipped a beat.

"It's getting late i think you should go home. tomorrow's Saturday anyway. will you come and help me out again jakey?" again with the nickname. he didn't know why he felt this way but he knew there's something new he never felt towards you. he went home since it's past 11 midnight.

While laying on his bed he couldn't stop looking at his phone cause he was looking at your taken pictures of you sleeping, so cute yet funny. hair all messy but peacefully sleeping. "I'm going crazy" he mumbled. if people see him right now they might considered him as crazy. he look at the time, it's 12:23 am, Saturday and that's when he knew he deeply fell in love with you and wouldn't be able to get out of it easily.

Minutes have passed still looking at his phone thinking that you didn't noticed him while ago. but little did he know that you're not asleep the whole time? no, he didn't have to. but one thing for sure is that you felt the same way as him.

© assiely 2023 do not copy or remake

[jabesa0]

hi Jackie!!

did you ever feel hopeless or insecure about yourself and your art or feel scared or unmotivated to continue drawing? if yes, do you have any tips on how to cope with that and not to lose faith and motivation?

sorry if the question is too personal btw, love your art!!!!💋

Hello there!!

Hmmm I’d definitely say there’s been times where I’ve been extremely unhappy with my art, though most of it was before drawing mammon.

(More under the cut it got long again lol)

A lot of it stemmed from the typical “can’t seem to find my style” issues that a lot of artists face! I was also generally just unhappy with just my skill level at the time and what I expected myself to be producing, even if I wasn’t ready yet! I’d more likely than not have a bunch of unfinished works that I’d never touch again because I simply lost interest in them the more I worked on them.

I had always liked art and drawing, with people being my main focus, but I don’t think I ever had a direct sort of connection or muse like I have now with mammon.

I know it’s a bit silly but through falling in love with mammon, I was able to sort of give myself the drive I have now to keep improving and working! Rather than studying and practicing just for the sake of it, I would work so that I can draw mammon as best as I can. And if I can’t draw him the way I picture, I simply find ways to improve and take note of so I CAN draw him like I want!

I know it’s said a lot in the art community but genuinely finding something or someone specific that you love with all your heart will help you improve, because you’re doing it for your love of that muse that you have for yourself :D!! Whenever i find myself with free time to draw, i promise you I won’t work on a single thing other than whatever mammon project i have next, and through that I’ve improved many aspects of my art!!

Oh and also take a break when drawings seem to be going bad!! When I struggle with a piece and think “damn this one sucks bad I’m scrapping this”, it’s usually later at night so I choose to go to bed and get a fresh start tomorrow so I can see what’s really bugging me with a piece!

Anyways that’s really my way of not losing motivation, maybe it’ll work for you (hopefully it does!!)!! But definitely for me, my adoration for mammon has spurred me on to work hard so that one day I’ll get asked to paint a beautiful mammon mural that they’ll display on like….the Sistine chapel two or something

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

2020 Collar x Malice Christmas Side Story English translation

merry xmas!

I finally managed to finish this... after asking about this being translated more than a year ago though it doesn't help that this was waaaaaaay longer than I thought it would be (plus i was busy since my family is hosting xmas, sorry!).😅 going to focus on deemo the day after tomorrow maybe... then my queue for next year. hopefully...?

anyway, enjoy!

OTOMATE Christmas 2020 Collar×Malice SS

Translation by KumoriYami

*The settings of this SS are inconsistent with the main game, and uses the setting from the ~Challenge from the Phantom Thief Adonis~ drama.

——December, 20XX.

Shinjuku, which was bustling with people, was able to to welcome another peaceful day today. Occasionally, there were some fights and quarrels that broke out in the streets everyday so the people in Yanagi Aiji's detective firm were also running around today.

Enomoto:….It's a request to investigate an extramarital affair again~ it's so terribly sad, why do we have to stay in front of the hotel to monitor couples…

Yanagi: It's good to have a request during this downturn. That being said, the success of this commission will largely depend on your mobility… Sorry, Enomoto.

Enomoto: I'm happy to be relied on by Yanagi-senpai.. Anyway, to cheat on Christmas, what on earth are they thinking? It's so wonderful to be in love together.

Shiraishi: There are many couples who break up at Christmas, for example those who accidently discover the other party's bad sides, and want to change their frame of mind before the new year, and there is also the possibility of finding out the cheating happening for a long time, and taking the opportunity to find their true love. It's a simple idea, isn't it?

Enomoto: Is it that simple…? To have someone to spend Christmas with is a luxury! Those people who are cheating or determining their destinies, really have no dreams!

Sasazuka: Don't worry, none of these things have anything to do with you.

Enomoto: I might have a chance this year!? That's right, on a snowy white Christmas… a beautiful woman speaking to me on a street... "I want to go to a party, but I'm lost…"

Sasazuka: And then he was taken away for a suspicious discussion, the end.

Shiraishi: I'm under the impression that the other party would extort you into buying them an expensive pot in the guise of a Christmas gift.

Enomoto:……At least!! Let me imagine it!!

Yanagi: You guys…. do your work seriously, Hoshino is resting today, and there are lot of things that haven't been dealt with yet.

Sasazuka: That guy's absence won't affect my productivity.

Enomoto: You're being like that again~ you're so dishonest…. Ah, someone's here, is it a courier? Come in, come in——

Kazuki:......Hello everyone.

Enomoto: Oh, isn't this Hoshino's younger brother? What's wrong?

Kazuki: I heard her say that she accidently brought documents from work back, though she's asleep right now.

Yanagi: Ah, Hoshino sent me a text message asking me to get them, we were supposed to pick them up.

Kazuki: It doesn’t matter, I didn't have anything to do anyway, and was going to a nearby store, so I came here.

Enomoto: Wa-Wait a moment, Hoshino's brother, it's rare for you to come here, so have some tea before leaving.

Kazuki:...Are you trying to draw out what my sister likes from me?

Enomoto: Hey, that sort of caution, you aren't lacking any of it…!

Kazuki:...Pfft, these sort of agendas are completely unhidden, you aren't a bad person either… and the opposite of someone with fiendish eyes.

Sasazuka: It's too annoying to target each word, rebellious phase.

Kazuki: Who's in their rebellious phase…! The one I don't trust the most is you.

Okazaki: Don't worry, otōto-kun, he's more or less a bit twisted, but everyone is a good person

Kazuki: It's definitely better than my first impression… huh? What's with you, where did you come from?

Okazaki: Ahaha, everyone here knows about this, so don't mind it.

Shiraishi：I mean, we're just asking him about Christmas presents, right?

Yanagi: Indeed, it's more efficient than us worrying and troubling ourselves over it.

Kazuki:...What do you mean?

——As a result, Yanagi and the others explained to the entire matter to Kazuki.

Christmas is coming, and while wanting to buy her a gift since she's been working hard, they however did not know what to buy. Kazuki sighed impatiently after listening to the general gist of the matter.

Yanagi: You're siblings, so you must have exchanged Christmas gifts, right?

Kazuki: I did when I was younger, but haven't recently… this sort of thing is really embarrassing.

Shiraishi: Then what did you give her when you were a kid?

Kazuki:......Cat plushies, and things like that.

Shiraishi: Eh, that's more tasteful than I imagined, in any case, I also want to receive a cat plush as a gift.

Yanagi: Don’t go off topic… Then, do you know what she's been wanting recently?

Kazuki: How did I know that… Ah, she said she wanted to buy a new frying pan.

Yanagi:…Kitchenware, huh, I also happen to buy a new one, and it's actually not difficult to choose.

Kazuki: She also said that she wanted a new cutting board...

Enomoto: So homely…! But, you should consider the other person’s preferences and habits when choosing.

Sasazuka: If you're going to say that, it'll be endless, giving gifts is purely an act of self-gratification, and no matter how much you worry about it, it'll be useless so it’s best for everyone to just give what they want.

Enomoto: No way! No sneaking out of this! What if one of us gives her a present that captivates her!

Okazaki: Enomoto-kun…it's a bit confusing for you to say that.

Enomoto: You're the one who needs the most attention, right?! You must be the type to ask a girl to a high-end restaurant/hotel with a night view!?

Okazaki: Alright, I'll sneak off to plan a secret date when you're not paying attention.

Enomoto: I said not to sneak away!!

Kazuki: Hey, are you guys so free that you're arguing about what gifts to buy like this, or is this place about to go out of business?

Yanagi: I get what you're saying, but everyone here is very capable and does a good job.

Kazuki: Hmph… It's true that if you work hard, you can earn a lot of impression points.

Okazak: Putting aside your sister, what sort of gift would you give to a girl you liked, Kazuki?

Kazuki:...........A ring, or something like that?

Enomoto: Th-That's so hardcore!?

Okazaki: Wow, I didn't expect you to be the type bind someone.

Kazuki: Many girls in my classes who are clamoring to receive rings. If you aren't dating the other person, it wouldn't be bad to give them earrings.

Sasazuka: I see, you're a pretentious person in front of other people, while you cling to your sister at home.

Kazuki: You guys are so infuriating… I'm pretty normal, alright?

Yanagi: Okay okay, he's still a high school student, and is at the age to bs sensitive to love.

Shiraishi: Could it be that you've experienced it? When Yanagi-kun was in high school, in order to save his kidnapped girlfriend, didn't he rush into the enemy's base by himself and cause a huge fuss?

Yanagi: Where did you learn about that?

Shiraishi: Enomoto-kun borrowed my manga that depicted the story of a protagonist who stood up to protect his girlfriend and was reincarnated into another world.

Okazaki: I'm a bit concerned about the future developments, so can you let me borrow it so I can take a look?

Kazuki:...Hey, the more you guys talk, the more off-topic you get, you guys are too free.

Enomoto: Ah, sorry! So, um, a Christmas present to give Hoshino…

In this way, everyone began having a heated discussion about what to give as a gift. After consulting Kazuki's suggestions, they prepared themselves and waited for Christmas to arrive.

—��A few days later, it was Christmas day.

Once work ended, the office was filled with delicious food and adorned with Christmas decorations when the doorbell rang. Hoshino, who had gone out to buy something, had probably returned, and Enomoto hurriedly walked towards the door.

Ichika: He-Hello, um… there's an express delivery.

Enomoto: What, it's a courier. Hm? This voice…

Enomoto was astounded as he opened the door, and was powerful sight appeared before his eyes.

Enomoto: UAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

Sasazuka: Shut up, that's like the scream before death…——Ha?

Everyone was drawn to Enomoto's screeching, and all looked towards the door.

Standing in the doorway were two people dressed in red Christmas outfits.

Ichika: Everyone, Merry Christmas！

Kazuki: Eh, why me too....

Yanagi: Hoshino… and Kazuki, why are you dressed like this?

Ichika: Um, to thank everyone who is striving to protect the city's peace, Sana Claus came to give everyone presents!...I suddenly dressed up like this, and everyone started to laugh

Enomoto: Wh-What are you saying!? How can we laugh! Christmas COS!? Thumbs up!! Amazing!! No…………it's the best in the universe!!

Shiraishi: Hehe, Enomoto completely short-circuited, like a broken robot.

Sasazuka: So, who's idea was this?

Ichika:…Okazaki-san gave me this idea…

Kazuki: At first this guy was just worrying about what sort of Christmas gift to buy for his coworkers and came to me for advice. As a result, I somehow fell for the unorthodox SP's trap and things ended up like this.

Okazaki: Don't say that, I just gave my own opinions for what would definitely make Yanagi-san and everyone else feel happy.

Yanagi: Okazaki… it was you after all, although your opinions this time were quite serious.

Enomoto: It's better to say that this was done beautifully! This is Christmas COS…! Santa Claus has arrived——!

Sasazuka: Calm down a little, why don't you let Shiraishi give you an injection of anesthesia?

Enomoto: Don't treat me like I'm some animal!? That's a genuine crime!

Shiraishi: It's not impossible, but I'd have to carefully calculate the dosage because he's so sturdy. Having said that, everyone's reaction is subtle except for Enomoto, Yanagi-kun, don't you feel happy?

Yanag: Huh? No, I'm not happy...

Ichika: So-Sorry! For an adult to dress up in Santa Clause COS, it's so shameful, I'll go change my clothes…!

Everyone: Wait.

Kazuki:......Everyone's urging you to stop? Even that Sasazuka with a bad attitude…… (Just now, did d everyone think the same thing at the same time?)

Sasazuka: It'd be a shame to not have Santa Claus for Christmas.

Enomoto: Right, right! Without you, we can't have Christmas!

Shiraishi: Santa Claus sneaks in through the chimney, right? Why does you dress so conspicuously? Red is such a distinct colour, it's like deliberately trying to draw people's attention… they have a tendency towards committing theatrical crimes.

Okazaki:....Don't worry, this outfit ~really ~ suits you. Yanagi-kun and the others were just captivated by it, and their minds crashed blanked out instantly, right. You all have to say what you really think, otherwise they'll be too pitiful.

Ichika: Okazaki-san, your words seem a bit artificial...

Kazuki: Anyway, we didn't need your ideas about Christmas COS at all. We're just pandering to the holiday ambience, that's all.

Enomoto: I've been giving compliments since the start, right!? Hoshino… and Hoshino's younger brother… Thank you for bringing me the miracle of Christmas… I'm so moved right now

Ichika: Really? It's great if you're happy.

Kazuki: That person's reactions was too drastic, it's too disgusting.

Yanagi: Anyway, you prepared this Christmas surprise for us. We've also set up the place here, so let's let’s start the Christmas party.

Ichika：Uh, if possible, can we give these first…

Kazuki: These gifts are pretty heavy.

Yanagi: Ah, I'm sorry, I'll accept it with gratitude.

Ichika: Then, First... is Yanagi-san. Thank you for always leading us as the director of the detective agency, and it's thank to Yanagi-san's calm and cool judgements, that we're able to handle our work with a peace of mind when we encounter difficulties.

Yanagi:...Hoshino.... I would like to thank you for attenuative assistance all this time, which allowed me to operate operations smoothly, and I hope you will continue to advise me in the future.

Ichika: Please advice me too! Next up is Shiraishi-san. When I saw Shiraishi-san solve difficult cases through your keen observations, almost like magic… I have great respect for how experienced and knowledgeable side. However, please don't always tease me!

Shiraishi: That's because the way your expressions change is so very interesting, and I'm not teasing you, I'm just observing your reactions while we talk, from this perspective, it can be considered that you're helping me

Okazaki: Shiraishi-san is also an amazing tsundere.

Ichika: Hehe. The next one is for Sasazuka-san, your strict advice has given me confidence, and although it's sometimes quite Spartan, I still know that it's the manifestation of your kindness. Thank you for your help as always.

Sasazuka:…80 points, keep up with me, and don’t fall behind.

Ichika: Alright! The next is for Enomoto-san. You've always been a joy to have around the office, and have created a relaxing and cheerful atmosphere, furthermore, you still always help me make up for the mistakes I accidently make while I'm working… I'm so fortunate such a gentle senpai looking after me!

Enomoto: !! O-Obviously I'm the one who's being healed! Wah…. Terrible, there's sweat coming from my eyes… For me, you've been such an excellent kouhai! Hoshino! Let's continue to work hard to protect peace in the city!

Kazuki: Wow, he seems to be really crying… Is this person okay?

Ichika: Next is Okazaki-san, thank you for your continued commissions. Thanks to you, the detective agency has been slowly been able to develop properly.

Okazaki; Wow, you also got me a gift too? But, only my speech was very official, which feels a bit lonely….

Ichika: Um, you've always been willing to help me solve my problems, which has been a great help. Not only do I feel embarrassed about always asking you to take me home at night… can I ask that you please continue?

Okazaki: Of course, you are super welcome, as being relied upon by you is a reward in itself for me.

Sasazuka: That guy is the number one sneaker.

Yanagi:...It's fine if you have a good relationship, but don't trust Okazaki too much, as there are times he sends you home as an excuse, when he actually has ulterior motives.

Okazaki: Yes, yes, Yanagi-otō-san, don't be jealous of me

Ichika: And... lastly, I want to give a gift to Kazuki.

Kazuki: Huh? Give to me?

Ichika: Yes, thank you for everything, and although it's a bit embarrassing, I'm very happy to be your sister, and will continue to advise/look after you in the future!

Kazuki:…………

Sasazuka: Don't cry, otōto.

Kazuki: I'm not crying!….I'm just going to say…. being your brother, is truly great…. Thank you, onee-san.

Ichika: Kazuki...!

Shiraishi:...Hey, I'm almost being blinded by this beautiful sister and brother relationship, but don't forget that we're still here.

Ichika: Eh?

Enomoto: Shi-Shiraishi-san, look at the mod before you speak! Let them enjoy the moment for a while!

Sasazuka: It's useless to pretend that you can't see, that'll just be more awkward.

Yanagi: Yeah, that's true. Hoshino, this is our Christmas gift to you from us and Kazuki.

Ichika: Eh.... everyone got me a present!? Even Kazuki...

Sasazuka: It's to thank you for your continued efforts, so remember that you're not the only one who wants to express their gratitude.

Okazaki: Hehe, it's rare to see such a straightforward Takeru-kun, with the implication being that you like Ichika-chan the most, right?

Sasazuka: Don't interpret my thoughts without my permission.

Shiraishi: Although your abiliites are insuficicent, and require us to teach you many things, it would be very problematic if you suddenly disappeared. In other words, we find comparable value from you

Enomoto: Shiraishi-san, your talking around in circles too much. What we mean is that you are necessary existence to us, so thank you everything!

Ichika: Everyone... thank you!

Yanagi: Kazuki also helped us with picking out the gifts together, and although we had our own opinions, I thought this gift was a good choice.

Ichika: Kazuki, when did you...

Kazuki: Because you guys are so serious…. How do I put it, you all said that you wanted to give each other a Christmas surprise, which really bothered me a lot, so my position was to be like Cupid.

Enomoto: You're right, you two are like angels that descended down to the earth…! Yosh! I’m going to drink a lot today——! Kanpai——!

Sasazuka: I'm hungry, and would rather eat than drink. Hey Enomoto, that spot is mine.

Shiraishi: Ah, my Christmas gift is a cat plush. I see. Was that part of the investigation?

Okazaki: Haha, everyone's like kids enjoying Christmas.

Yanagi: It's good to relax once in a while, Hoshino, the food's almost ready, can you help me decorate it? As expected, I still need your help.

Ichika: Okay!

——In December, it snowed in Shinjuku.

On this peaceful street, this warm Christmas Eve continued.

----end---

sorry i meant to translate this earlier... but my eyes were having issues. they're still feeling a tad irritated though they're significantly better compared to when it started last saturday though.

Anyway, since this was content from one of Otomate's website, i have made this post un-bloggable (standard for me to do that when it's something from one of their websites), and I made a few adjustments to this based on the what names some of the characters use to address one another in the game... not sure if those changes are completely accurate since I haven't touched CxM for a while.

[pbandjesse]

I hate how finite my energy is. It's incredibly frustrating. Like my mornings are actually pretty good!! Just it's like as soon as I eat something, the actual of digesting seems to start to zap my energy. That's my working theory anyway.

It was to warm in here last night. It's entirely to warm for the last days of October. My allergies did improve and I was able to sleep a little more comfortably.

I slept until 9. And I felt fine. I didn't particularly want to get up. But I really wanted to wash my hair. So I forced myself up. And while the shower warmed up I trimmed my bangs a little bit I could probably do more. The shower was nice though and I felt a lot nicer after.

I just dressed in a T-shirt dress today. I didn't go anywhere. I just tried to focus on getting some stuff done.

When I got downstairs I made sure Crabcake was eating his breakfast. And had the egg sandwich James left for me. And got into working on my projects.

First up trying to clean the bathroom. I couldn't do much with the tub but I sprayed everything down. I went downstairs and tidied up the cords in the living room. Move the living room fan to the basement. Got one of the large bags of cotton. And brought our bed pillows downstairs.

I cut those open and restuffed them. They had all gotten so flat. They are much nicer now. I am going to sew them closed but decided not to just in case they felt to full later.

I had planned on working on frog leg for the plushies but it just didn't happen. Hopefully tomorrow. Instead I spent the rest of the morning working on my puff quilt.

I got all the horizontal rows done. Just the verticals left. I am going to add at least one more row but I really think I'm the future I will add more. I still would like it to be 12x12. But right now it lives as 9x10. It was nice to just having a long video playing while I sewed. I kept telling myself, just one more. But I would work through all 4 rows in about two hours. Felt good to get all of that done.

Once that was fine I had the rest of my nachos for lunch. I was really already starting to lose steam. Any amount of focus I had to do stuff was leaving me at mid day.

I tried to go upstairs to take the shelves down in the babyroom but the screws were stripped and I immediately felt defeated. James would fix it later through muscle. I had to take a half hour lay down just to get myself back on track.

I started painting in there. Around the windows and the baseboard. I was disappointed to find two of my old paintbrushes were all dried out. I guess they got forgotten about when James painted the hallway doors. I'm not mad at them but I was sad about it. They got me two new brushes though so that was nice of them. I would work for about an hour. It would have been easier if the furniture was farther from the wall but I did what I could.

Around 2 I had a snack. Spilled cereal milk on myself and felt very dumb. I cleaned up and ate my cereal. And went upstairs to lay down.

I would hang out in bed until around 3. When I fell asleep. Hardcore nap. I didn't wake up until 530!!

I was expecting James to be home when I woke up but no such luck. Apparently they had been in an all staff meeting at 330 until 530 and we're finishing just as I woke up. I went downstairs to wait for them.

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And soon James was home. They weren't thrilled about being home and hour later then expected. They brought me a package (I got stickers! And a couple gifts for others) and our newly repaired watches! Amazing.

James made pizza dough and would get on a call with friends. I didn't particularly want to eat. My stomach hurt. I came upstairs but James still brought me pizza. I had a little bit but I was just uncomfortable so I brought the rest downstairs to save.

Eventually James would come upstairs to hang with me. We watched TikToks. I just took a shower and now I'm having a yogurt.

Trying very hard to not be nervous about tomorrow. It's our 20 week anatomy scan. And it's Halloween!! I really hope baby is okay in there. I am trying my best to remain positive but also. Scared.

So give me some good vibes. I love you all. And hopefully tomorrow is just a wonderful day. Goodnight my friends.

[eaymtb]

10084 words! Am I finished? lol. No. Getting close though!

I did have an interesting realization today, because the closer I get to finishing, the more fidgety I am and the harder, somewhat paradoxically, it is to continue writing. Every paragraph or so I've been getting up and walking from one end of the house to the other, tapping my nails against the doors and walls as I go. I know what I want to write, I want to write, I'm so close to finishing this damn chapter, but I can't stay still, never mind stay on task. I think it's a bit like I've given myself a list of things to do but then also told myself that I'm not allowed to check off things as I get them done, I have to wait until I've finished everything on it. And my poor brain is not doing okay without being able to tick off the tasks. Getting closer to being done is just making that itching need to feel like something is actually finished worse, too. It's kind of funny. Now that I've made that connection it makes perfect sense. And also means I know I definitely need to stick to shorter chapters from now on. I need those small achievable goals. Smaller chapters that I can post and then mentally put aside so I can focus on what comes next.

Also, I'm finding it much harder to tell if everything is still in character at this length. It starts out fine, but as I re-read I stop being able to tell, so at this point I'm holding characterization together with spit, tape, audacity, and the hope that I actually am as consistent as I think I am. XD

Break for dinner now, anyway. And then I'm going to write the rest. I think I have maybe 1 or 1.5k words left? Then a last read through (probably tomorrow) and edit to catch, hopefully, any malingering typos and such. So close, so close.

[doxiedreg]

Im not okay

Im not in danger, no harm will befall me and i know ill be okay eventually and all will turn out fine

But right now i can't fight it any longer

I can't keep myself strong

I have to admit I'm very not okay now and I need support and rest and won't be able to continue to spread myself thin and look after others when I'm barely able to look after myself

I'm sorry if I leave less comments, if I don't reblog posts, if I don't respond to messages or vents in my server

I still care about you my friends and mutuals and regulars

But I'm so tired..I can't look after others right now..

I'll probably be stepping back from socials for a while or at least try. I'm gonna just sleep a bunch and rest and listen to music and just not worry about art or my characters or anything

Again please do not be scared that I'll be harming myself because I promise you I won't. I just can't tough it out anymore. I need to surrender to it. Try to process my feelings..

Again I'll be okay eventually

But right now I'm very not okay

I'll be visiting my mom tomorrow and hopefully that will help me a lot

Kinda sad that the splatoon 3 special big run event will be this weekend because I don't think I'll be able to bring up the energy to play or care about it/enjoy it..

Depression never has good timing..

Anyway I'll see you guys whenever I'll see you. Might still reblog a few things but don't expect art or me being very invested in things..

For now I just need to focus on staying alive and trying my best to recover from this mental anguish..

Please stay safe for me

[brunchbitch]

thought i would do an update since it's been a while!

9/27/23

things are going well with settling in to seattle! i'm doing lots of wedding stuff - got measured for my dress and had a makeup trial last week so it's starting to feel real! 10 months from today! next steps are sending out save the dates and deciding on catering, which will be fun bc we get to taste test everything.

a is doing well! he is taking a creative writing course that starts this week, and hockey starts this week as well. the seattle kraken have an adult league with over 100 teams (!!). he had tryouts (i almost wrote auditions lol) a couple weeks ago and got placed in the second highest division! i'm excited to go see some games, but the first one is tomorrow night at 10:45!!!! so if that's any indication of average game times, maybe i won't make it lol.

it has been raining every day for about five days now... it's reminding me of one of the hardest parts of living in seattle. i need to invest in a happy lamp and get some vitamin d.

as for the job front, i'm feeling frustrated and, before calling the DOH this morning, very confused about my path towards being a licensed independent clinical social worker (licsw). the requirements are pretty different in seattle. you start out getting licensed as a social worker associate advanced (lswaa), which basically means i have the necessary education but haven't gotten required post grad supervision to apply for the next level, which is a licensed advanced social worker (lasw). i'm required to obtain 3200 hours of supervised experience under an licsw which, full time, would be about a year and a half. then i apply to be an lasw, and once i'm approved i can take my sw generalist exam. THEN to become an licsw, i need 4000 additional supervised hours (~2 years full time). so 3.5 years working full time before i can get my licsw, and then have to take the clinical exam. in ma, it would've taken 2 years to get my licsw. i'm not sure why wa state requires so much more, but it explains why the pay ranges have been higher than what i expected.

i've been studying for the exam, bc that's what would be the next step in boston. so that was wasted time lol. hopefully some of it will stick in my brain so i'm not starting from square one when i start studying again in ~a year and a half. so now i really need to just focus on getting a job. i've had one interview and they never even got back to me. i probably would've turned down the job anyway (not exactly what i was looking for - a lot of independent time and not much of an ability to collaborate with other social workers, which i think is important being a new grad), but it still would've been nice to be offered the job lol. i've been getting so discouraged but trying to remind myself that something will work out eventually. even if i hate the job, i can stick it out until i get my supervised hours at least. and then i can look elsewhere.

i have a screening today for a job that is pretty close by my house. it's a primary care center that serves a lot of people who have high resource needs. i was hoping for a more acute setting (like inpatient hospital), but it does seem some of the patients would be pretty acute. so we'll see how the screening goes.

mental health is good - i've really appreciated being able to see L again. still smoking a shit ton, which concerns her, but trying to do better this week.

luna and lia are good - they've definitely adjusted. lia is sleeping on top of her cat tree right now hehe. unfortunately luna is getting a dental done at the vet right now and she had to have two tooth extractions :(. she's had several extractions before due to resorptive lesions, but the last few years her teeth have been good so i was hoping they wouldn't have to take any out. so she'll be on pain medication for a few days, but she's been through that before. i'm going to shower her with love when she gets home!

[bvannn]

Weekly Update June 7, 2024

I’m in a sour mood right now because I got differed from plasma over paperwork. I’ll try a different chain next week, since the one I’ve been going to is super crowded now anyway. We also got a cat this week, that was the correct answer to the post on Saturday. It’s my mom’s cat, but mom has been out most of this week so I’ve been left alone with her. I’ve been really tired. Like insanely tired. But I still got a good amount of stuff done.

Artfight stuff: I’m planning on revamping the thumbnails and redoing Romeo’s refsheet, plus adding Josh. Luckily at work this week I was put on a job that’s pretty relaxed as far as timing goes, and I have lots of little gaps of time to draw while I wait for the balance to stabilize. As a result I got Romeo and Josh’s refsheets sketched, as well as all the thumbnails planned + several sketched. Tomorrow I’ll try to get some of those rendered.

Comic stuff: Comic is going to be on the back burner this month and next most likely, but I did finish off page 7 and started sketching page 8, which I plan to continue slowly. Every once in a while I’ll get stunlocked with indecisiveness and what I’ve been doing to combat it is 15 sit-ups and then roll a wheel of small tasks and do whatever it says, then repeat until free time is over. So it’s still getting done in those little bursts where I don’t have enough time for something bigger.

Music: another quickie is generally done, but I’m going to hold off on it until I decide to do lyrics for it, because it would probably be perfect for an animation meme if I add some quick generic poppy lyrics. Like I can just channel my rage into a couple stanzas and call it good. I really want to release songs specifically for animation memes because I like newgrounds and respect newgrounds’ copyright policy so I want to make some nice music for animation memes that’s copyright safe for whoever to use with credit. Also still making progress on re-mixing my older tracks, OEB needed a complete redo, some VSTs needed to be swapped out entirely, plug I’m learning a bunch of fancy new tricks, so good chance I’ll post another sample of that once I get it figured out. Unsure if I need to actually redo the vocaloid track or just to redo the effects, but I can figure that out after the instrumentals are done.

Also got a good amount of lyric writing done, RR is 88% done, BATB is still a cool 71%. I’m getting into the groove of doing that at work too, so hopefully those should be done quick, plus the quickie I have on hold. Once I have energy I’ll also finish up that other quickie and the Zelda medley I’ve had in the pipe, hopefully that’ll be this weekend, but good chance it’ll be Monday night.

Other things: OEB is at 32% on storyboards, and like 17% on the Kyo rig. A whole bunch of assets are done but need to be imported/exported, plus I’m taking a couple shortcuts too to make things a bit easier, and I can flesh out the rig more as I use it more. Also, my strategy for the sketchy lines is a success! I may also be able to apply it to other areas and fix the issue of flash being shit for drawing, but that’s a bit ambitious. I’ll try chipping away at having the rest of the clip assets *drawn* by the end of the month so I can import/export them at work next month. But again that’s currently in the ‘if I have a little free time’ bracket of priority.

Miscellaneous: I’m getting a couple TTRPG things done too, little bit of writing, little bit of drawing, again not too high a priority but it’s getting done.

Tonight I’m tired and in a bad mood so I’m going to just chip away at re-mixing OEB tonight and maybe sketch a comic panel or two. Maybe. I have one more regular general drawing I want to get done before the end of the month but I don’t know when that’s coming, this weekend I’ll try to focus on Artfight stuff, with breaks in between to spin the wheel of small tasks I need to accomplish. Lots of housekeeping, hopefully next week is kind to me with plasma so I get more time.

[thenexusofsouls]

PSA: Hiatus until 3/5

{i am the caretaker of souls} So sorry guys, but the upshot is that I've decided I need a little hiatus from my usual rp schedule because my anxiety is a bit overwhelming at present. Details below the cut for those who would like to know, but basically I'm going to be on hiatus until at least 3/4, for both anxiety reasons and grading responsibilities, and after an appt I have on Mon I'll know whether that needs to be extended further or not.

I'm sorry to do this when everyone was expecting replies tonight, but I need to do some self-care here, because I'm feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. I love you all, this isn't anything anybody did, and I will come back, I just need to take some time for myself. I will be back to my normal schedule once things have calmed down. Thank you for understanding. Hopefully things resolve themselves sooner rather than later. Keep your fingers crossed!

Okay, so... I've decided to take a short hiatus until I know what's going on with the surgery I'm going to be having. I vastly underestimated the amount of anxiety I would feel regarding even just the consultation appt, which is Mon (3/4). It's not that I don't want to write the muses/threads I have here, it's just that some require more creativity and/or focus than I have right now. I need to feel relaxed, happy, creative, and/or at least be able to concentrate and focus to write a lot of my muses, and lately that's been in short supply for me.

I felt anxiety creep in yesterday and thought I was just having a moment, but no, it seems like I'll be this wigged out until Mon. I hope to have a surgery date after the appt. Until then, I know the surgery and recovery will disrupt my life, my job, my diet, my mobility, etc. but I can't prepare for that disruption until I know when it's happening, and that's driving me crazy. I also have an evaluation for this promotion I'm applying for that's supposed to be done this month, but the university won't tell me when it's occurring or what it even entails. So not being able to plan for and around these important events is causing almost more anxiety than the events themselves, heh.

I realized tonight, as I've been sitting here trying to force myself to write and instead I stress-played Minecraft for four hours straight, that I've been adding to my own stress by worrying about upsetting you all, feeling that I let everyone down by not writing a lot, or by feeling pressured to write when I really didn't feel like it. It's gotten out of hand, and I need to take some time to just be with myself, feel the anxiety, and process it so I can let it go.

Right now, the muses on @tarnishedxknight are coming very easily to me, as they have been for a couple months now. *shrugs* I honestly don't know why those muses are coming through loud and clear, but they've been cutting through the anxiety fog when not many others are. Even at that, I'm not writing as much for them as I usually do. Nevertheless, I'll leave that blog open during the hiatus, and I may do some things here and there as time and anxiety allow. Even under stress, I need some writing to do. ;) But it'll be very much when and if I'm able.

Other than that, I'm going to be on hiatus from my usual rp schedule until at least Tues (3/5). I have grading to do Mon and Tues anyway, and tonight and tomorrow night I'll try to calm down and then see how this appt goes on Mon. If I get a surgery date or any better idea of when things will happen, then I'll know if I need to continue the hiatus beyond that or not, either because of surgery/evaluation scheduling or just due to anxiety.

I feel like once these two honking balls of stress (the surgery and the evaluation for my promotion) are done and out of the way, I'm going to feel a huge sense of relief and I'll be back here full force again, heh. I'm optimistic that that's what will happen. I just need you all to be a little bit patient until then.

Love you guys, be back soon I hope! ❤

[mario8th]

This Is Not A New Years Resolution Post

I don't believe in the concept Anyway

My last video of the year is coming out tomorrow. This video is my 56th one about video games. The Game Awards was numbered 66 (although number 64 isn't out yet either). Which is to say the numbers really got away from me, lol.

That doesn't matter though, what does matter is that I Did It! I put out a video Every Other Week for the Entire Year. And that's not even counting how I posted weekly in the final weeks of Mario Bros Bonanza (previously/still named In Review) (I wanted to change the branding since In Review is very much a Kinda Funny thing, from now on everything else will be solely my own) (There was also my failed podcast in there, we don't need to talk about that)

(more after the break)

Afterwards things got a bit hectic on my part. I started (and will hopefully continue) my Zelda Diary series, but the whole concept was basically a stop gap where I ran out of games to even talk about. Which was Zelda's fault in the first place!

And while I'm mostly happy with the work I put into Luigi's Mansion Mania, I'm still thinking about how I want to grow. I'm currently working on a yet unannounced series in addition to (well, actually before) my Super Mario RPG series (I'm thinking Mario RPG Rewind as the name). And I'm really excited to do this series, I'm expanding on the first impressions in a way I've had a fun time with! (Of which I'm very nervous about its reception) But one thing I've definitely been thinking about is how I want to write the reviews themselves. I think I've been too rigid. I initially sorted my scripts into parts due to a comment that was very rude but somewhat correct from my Deathloop review where they complained the review didn't start until x minutes into the video. I think they're wrong, first of all, but there was a nugget in there that made me realize it's probably better to segment the videos a bit. The thing I want to be less rigid on is the content in relation to previous games. This is a series! Each Video should Build on the previous one! I know some people (or maybe even many) won't watch every part, but I shouldn't let that hold me back. For instance, I should have said less about what each Luigi's Mansion game did, and said more about what they did In Relation to the previous game. Right now my retrospectives/series's are technically that in the way they discuss and analyze every game in a series, but I want them to be able to converse with each other just a tad bit more. Which is a long way of saying that I'm going to try to do that with [redacted] Replay and Mario RPG Rewind. The [redacted] is a hint, btw. (So is looking at my [redacted] page, but what's the fun in that)

And before any of that anyway I'm gonna go back to Mario Bros Bonanza to look at the "Remakes" with Mario All-Stars, Advance, and 64 DS, which'll lead into Mario Bros Wonder. Excited to replay these versions, which I will do closely after I finish playing the last game for [redacted] Replay.

And Before Any Of That Still, it's game of the year season! This year I'm doing two things, my official top 10 list, as well as a year long retrospective of the games industry as a whole. And the latter of these (which I hope to get out first) I'm really trying to do something with too. The goal is to have it more in tone with my Game Awards video, but I also pulled so many articles about industry layoffs that going through them all is making me the joker. I've got one more idea for a bigger video like this, but that'll have to be on the back burner until the company I want to write about finally goes under. Oh wait, I've got another idea too! But that's like a Big big project, don't know how I want to focus on that

All of this is to say, I don't actually know what I'm going to do. Yes, I want to keep going with this! Yes, I think about how I haven't done any game dev in months and really want to start that up again, but I've also been focusing a lot of attention on trying to "find employment." And I'll be honest, my last gig was pretty cushy in terms of being able to work around the clock. I have a feeling whatever my next one is will be more restrictive. I feel like I'm going to have to make some affordances. I'm really happy I was able to successfully release a new video every other week for the full year. In mid February I'll have managed to do it for two years in a row. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that running a youtube channel is not making me any money, and at this pace, will not make me any. (plus I refuse to run adds so like it'd have to be through other means). And in the case where I have to prioritize earning a living or making crummy videos, I need to choose the money one.

So where should I put my focus? I don't know. I really want to cover more indie games. But I also really want to continue with these long series retrospectives. But I also want to grow into more long form stuff too. And in many ways I Really Need to make some games to get my thoughts out in an artistic way. Who knows how much time I'll have to do any of it, though?

Anyway, I made a lot. Some of it was viewed far beyond my expectations too! If you haven't please watch Mario Bros Bonanza, and stay tuned for my next things too. Goodbye

[light-wynd]

Damn, tomorrow's already October huh. Probably won't be a very productive Nagisa Month from me unfortunately, as I'm gonna be pretty busy studying (trying to, anyway) for an exam to get a certification among some other things going on, and more than likely won't be feeling very well the whole time. Hell I'm already feeling sick just thinking about it and have absolutely no motivation/energy to work on anything at the moment, so... getting myself together enough to be able to focus is probably gonna take up more time than studying itself. I don't even know when this shitshow will be over either (best estimate I have is... sometime in November, probably), which doesn't help whatsoever.

That said, I still do have some stuff planned. Don't expect a second comic project at this time or anything (now that I think about it I probably should've saved the first one for Nagisa Month, but I already felt like it was taking way too long and didn't want to delay it on purpose), or everything I post throughout the month to be Nagisa related, but I'll do my best to get at least a thing or two out for the occasion.

That's all. See you hopefully soon, and best of luck to everyone else who plans on making something for the boy's birthday. I look forward to it. 💙

[roooruuu]

Weird to think tomorrow is my last full day living in the same place I've always lived before I go somewhere completely new. I'm definitely looking forward to it and wish I'd gone sooner, but I still don't think it's sunk in properly. For basically as long as I can remember I've lived in the same place as the rest of my dad's side of the family and, by the end of this week, I'll no longer be near any of them (by UK standards anyway, it's like 40 miles away and just under 3 hours of travel start to finish). It fucks me up how much I hesitated on this. I had basically all of last year to do it with my new job but never had the guts to pull the trigger. The uncertainty killed me for the longest time. Every tiny thing I couldn't nail down with 100% certainty was used as another excuse. I haven't even moved out for something like university before, which I still hugely regret, but I've made that bed and now I have to lie in it. It'll be a shock to the system, but there's no easy way around that anymore. I'm grabbing myself by the scruff of the neck and throwing that dumb bitch outside. That being said, I do have family here who are older than me and have never fully moved away, so I get to be a bit smug about that.

My secret hope is I can use moving out as leverage to coax other family members into moving away from this tiny village to hopefully realise it was fucking them up in the long-term. Places like this are awful for growing complacent and not wanting to do anything. It genuinely drives you insane to live somewhere so small when you start to recognise everyone and go to the same places for years and years on end. My first priority will be getting my younger brother to go to university, then maybe getting my dad to move if possible. It's obvious everyone in that house is as unhappy living here as I am. The current plan is convincing him to move just as my young brother is starting secondary school in the summer of 2024, which will hopefully make a convenient time for everyone else who is able to get themselves set up somewhere new. It's the same as my situation, I don't see a future where any of them are happy living here.

Coming out as trans in December made me reconsider a few things. My family were supportive, but it still didn't feel right. I couldn't stop bouncing between "I need to go now now NOW" and "Maybe I should just stay here until I'm transitioned more". In hindsight, the latter was definitely an awful idea and a symptom of how badly I needed to make a change. My family are supportive but sometimes I wonder how much of it is sincere and how much is just to keep me happy. It feels like they do want to call me Ruby (sometimes get an accidental deadname to my face which isn't the end of the world) but they don't actually consider that to be my name, if that makes any sense? I think living around people who've known you your whole life makes for a lot of friction in the process. Nobody has been hostile about it but it's also annoying and boring answering the same few elementary-level questions constantly. Spending some time away around people who don't even know my deadname sounds very refreshing right now.

What I'm doing isn't special, obviously. Moving out for the first time at 24 is not remarkable whatsoever, if anything you might say that's a bit late (depending on your cultural norms or family situation), but for some reason, it feels really monumental. In the last few months of 2022, something just fucking broke in my brain and it all violently snapped into focus. My situation, how stagnant I've become as a person, having nothing to really look forward to. It sounds like bragging but I don't usually cry much, at least not when I'm just sitting alone. From late October to December, I would literally break down sobbing every other night if I was left alone with my thoughts for long enough, it was BAD. I've had depressive periods before but none of them even come close.

After Christmas, I resolved on moving out. Before anything else I absolutely had to start living somewhere else, I had at least managed to identify that as the main source of my unhappiness. Every day of January was agonising. With each second that ticked by where I hadn't sorted something out, I could feel the passage of time scraping against my bones. Most of my time and energy went into finding a place to move to. Each second was another one wasted, another second closer to becoming even older and having even more regrets. 24 is definitely still "young", but it's your mid-twenties when you maybe start thinking about how much time you have left to be young. The idea of entering my late twenties (or God forbid thirties) and still living here is one of the scariest things I can imagine. You see people around here sometimes who did just that. People who finished their education and never tried to move on. No prospects, no friends, no life. It's mean but there's really no other way to describe it. They settled wherever was easiest and took the path of least resistance. I've definitely done that to an extent and I'm grateful I managed to snap out of that trance before it got even worse. Even now I sometimes catch myself saying "It's too hard, whatever". That mindset absolutely has to be stamped out and killed going forward. Living somewhere with things to do and being closer to friends should help a lot.

But yeah if any of the moots live around South Wales and want to beat each other with metal pipes or smthn hit me up xoxoxoxo

[pbandjesse]

I am so tired. Everyone thought I was taking off from the market today but I did not! I was there and I spent more money then I made but it was a beautiful day and I'm glad I was there. And I got a lot done today.

I slept alright. When I got home James helped bring everything upstairs. And I hate to go to sleep with a big mess but there was only so much we could do. They would sort the laundry and at least get things into the correct rooms. But it was just a lot to get done. I would save that for today.

We went to sleep and I woke up at one point to use the bathroom and got very woozy and almost fell over. I really wanted a mournful of peanut butter but instead was able to make it back to bed and fell asleep.

I woke up after 7 and got ready pretty quick. My hair was looking really nice today. Like healthy nice. I have been liking it after I wash it and it's really doing wonders for me. Especially as we get into winter and the air gets dryer I am trying to focus on hair health so it can grow longer. Trying not to use much heat and being gentle. A little self care project.

We went to McDonald's and got 3 hash browns to share and then James helped me get set up for the day. Stanley had to head out so James couldn't lollygag outside with me. They don't often anyway but I still want them too. After I got set up we got our bakery stuff from Ginny early. And I would go back and pay for it because James had to run back inside.

I was a little fidgety at first today and wanted to walk around and see everyone. Lock gave me a fancy tomato for free. I got my guacamole and figured out why it's been weird. It's a different kind of avacado! I don't know enough Spanish to ask the nice man why but I saw them and they are lime color and longer. I still like the guac but Google says they don't have as much oil and that's why they are sort of thinner. Not as whippable. Still good but not as amazing as it was. I am still going to eat so much of it.

I also got berries and I got some figs. I got the figs for Anne, James's mom, because she loves figs. There is a joke about being waspy in there but I will let you write that yourself. Hopefully we can give her and Tucker those tomorrow. Maybe we'll have dinner with them.

I was happy to see CJ. Callie is just so good at making people flowers and it's super nice to have a friend there. I would make her a friendship bracelet while I was standing there trying to get any sales. It was a slow day for me. But not for the market. We got almost 700 people throughout the morning! That's crazy!

I didn't recognize her at first but Julie from the nursery came through and said hi. I was like hello, I know you but I'm not sure why but I'm not going to say that. And finally she mentioned Becky and I was like ohhh!!! It was because I had never seen her without a mask! She had a baby! He was so cute! And she had two dachshunds! It was nice to see her and she bought one of my sale bears. She said I can't say I haven't sold anything now and it was very sweet.

I only sold $10 bears today. Which is fine. I also sold 4 stickers. I need to get some new stuff for the table. I also need to have James order more sticker designs. I want to do some Halloween, or more likely all the holidays, ones this week I think. Maybe when we drove to my parents on Tuesday.

I did get some knitting done. And I enjoyed the weather. But it was also super windy and so I was a little stressed about things falling over which made me on edge. And then I was cold. Me and Callie went and stood in the sun and I sat in the dog sculpture which was very warm and we learned his name is Sailor which I thought was so cute.

Meril was there too and it was fun talking to her. I told her about Louis Wain and a tattoo I want to get and I made us both cry. And w sent texts to each other from across the market about the people who were very very clearly there for the jazz concert. With their berets and shirts just in their shoulders. And the music was good and wasn't as unbearably loud.

Ann was being bad cop at people because they were putting their cars where they shouldn't or letting there dogs fight or using market tables for eating?? But it was nice chatting with her too. We actually all catty and I come up with reasonable doubt. Like apparently someone didn't come last week because their mother died. But then their mother came with them this week. And I'm like. Maybe they have two mothers, maybe they were in a beautiful lesbian relationship you don't know!! That is basically how all our conversations go. She says something and I make a wild or outrageous explanation.

I was really excited to leave though. I had told James I would get groceries if they wanted me too but I was also super tired. They told me to go rest and they would come home and while they were working on laundry they would get groceries. I appreciated that. And a little after one, and after giving Callie a big hug and telling her to let me know if I could help her move/unpack this week because I love unpacking. She also told me she got her placement for teaching and she's really happy so I'm also really happy for her!!

I went inside to say goodbye to James and then I was out. Getting home was better then yesterday when everyone was driving stupid. But in the other direction towards the museum exit was completely sitting still and there seemed to be a bad accident in the middle of the traffic?? I hope everyone and everything is okay.

I got home and ran into Mr Will outside who gave me many cheek kisses because it's been like two months since I've seen him. He seemed so much healthier then the last time. I wanted to stay and chat but I was also so tired. So I had to say goodbye and come upstairs.

I got up here and I wanted to start cleaning but decided I would sleep as long as I needed, which ended up being until 5, and then would spend as long as was needed to get everything away.

And I fell asleep hard. I slept for almost 3 hours. I really needed it. And when I woke up I got redressed and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. James was at the store still. And I spent a few minutes waking up and feeling like a person again.

Once I was awake I got into organizing. And would spend the next 3 hours sorting and putting away. I am not done, but at least it's better. Things have spots for now. I want to get some vacuum saver bags for some of our extra pillows and blankets. And I want to get rid of some stuff. But at least for now I have made great progress. And James helped a lot. They sorted my basket of half finished projects and fabrics and put them in the boxes I have gotten for that. And I worked on the closet in the studio. Finally got the cart in there. And I am just really pleased. I also found a better way to keep my extra garment rack and I'm going to use it for all my coats for now. Which frees up the closet even more.

I also started going through my lotions and makeups again. I got rid of a half trash bags worth of lotions and deodorant and makeup. All expired. Or weird smelling. James is going to go through our nail polish at some point this week and I am going to go through the bathroom closet. We just have a lot of half finished things and stuff we aren't using. And it needs to get cleared out. I'm very happy with what we got done though. Even if the work continues.

Around 9 I finally got a shower. And laid down. And now I am ready to get some sleep. James just came in the room and immediately sneezed so loud. Causing a commotion. And I'm sitting here texting stupid stuff to Celia and Jess is telling me about her day. And I feel happy.

Tomorrow I hope to get more organizing done. I also want to make a list of stuff I want to accomplish this week. I want to use my two weeks well. I hope you all have a good Sunday it's also my brother's birthday! He's going to be 30!! I love him very much. Maybe when we go see my parents on Tuesday we can see him for a minute. We will see what happens.

I love you all. Sleep good. Take care of yourself!!