#I didn't wanna touch on my PTSD and anxiety/depression this time but i might another time

[sasarahsunshine]

About Me

OKAY SO Idk how to start talking about this but it’s important to me so HERE WE GO. TW: I’m talking about myself, who I am as a person, which includes my anxiety/depression/PTSD/and diagnosis of ADHD and Autism/ASD. I want people to understand me more as a person <3 I want to make friends, and I want people to not be afraid of me or unsure how to approach me. So read more if you wanna know about me!

I feel like people get scared to approach me or speak to me when I tell them these labels about myself. I’m on the spectrum, I have ADHD, I have anxiety & depression, I have PTSD. They’re all connected, and they’re all apart of me, but they don’t define me. Those are just things that I happen to struggle with.

About a month ago (the beginning of January 2021), I was officially diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. I’m a 26 year old cisgender woman, so it took a really long time for professionals to actually want to diagnose me. The things they tend to look at when deciding if someone fits on the spectrum are based on tests they did on cisgender boys in the 90′s, so it’s all pretty outdated. 

Anyways, I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was 11 years old, so a lot of my “autistic” tendencies were written off as being apart of my ADHD for a long time. But it was SO NICE to finally be told that yes, I am on the spectrum, because it was something I already KNEW, and now I’m validated. 

But that’s the thing about autism, like ADHD, or anxiety, or depression, or bipolar disorder, it’s all a spectrum. What triggers one person might not affect another. So I can’t speak for everyone who has these things, but I can speak for myself. And I kind of wanna talk about what it’s like for ME as a person. 

I want SO BADLY to be the fun bubbly girl at parties who is all sunshine and rainbows. I want to be an extravert SO MUCH. I always thought I was, growing up. I wanted to go to the fair, to theme parks, to the mall, just like everyone else. But we always joked that I was “allergic to fun,” because once we were at those places, my excitement would die and I would end up “not feeling good.” I never knew how to put it into words, because I didn’t know what about me didn’t feel good. I would just, shut down? And sometimes this would result in headaches, irritability, anger, sadness, and the general feeling of being overwhelmed. As an adult looking back, I now know that I was overstimulated and needed a break away from the noise and lights. And I have a lot of deep-rooted anger towards myself about this, because I want so badly to be normal and to enjoy those things, you know? 

As an adult I struggle with shopping at Walmart because it’s so loud and there’s so many people and so much space. But I found that if I wear my Bluetooth headphones (whether I’m listening to music or not), it helps. I can focus on my shopping list and feel relatively normal for a bit. I don’t struggle to calm down once I get home, either, because I’m already feeling okay. 

I collect weird things. Well, they aren’t weird, but people sometimes think I’m weird for them. I collect stickers, buttons, pins, and badges. My car is COVERED in stickers. My desktop is COVERED in stickers (all CM ones of course). I have buttons and pins on my purse, my bag, on the ceiling of my car- it’s ridiculous lol. And this has ALWAYS been something I’ve collected. I still have a hanging mirror that I got when I was 9 years old that I covered in those Hot Topic bunny stickers (you know the ones, I hope). I have ballcaps covered in pins. I don’t do anything with the badges, I just have them in a box. 

Also the amount of stuffed animals I own??? Thank GOD my husband loves me because I have Too Much(TM). I sleep with three, but on top of our dogs kennel is a pile that’s taller than me if it were on the floor. Then there’s a whole collection of Pokémon stuffed animals on top of the dresser. More in a bag in the closet. And even more under the bed. Did I mention that I am REALLY GOOD at claw machine games? Everyone always doubts my abilities when they meet me, so I always have to show them by winning one or two new stuffed animals to prove my point. Most of our collection is from claw machines lol. 

ANYWAYS that’s all off topic. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not scary, or (too) weird, or going to act strange when talking to you. My autism shows itself in how I react in public places, in what I like to collect, and when I’m EXTREMELY happy. You might have heard of the term “flapping” before, but I don’t really think that’s what I do?? IDK, just when I get so happy, my arms kind of tingle, like the happiness is filled to the brim in my body and I need a way to let it “explode” out of me. So I shake my hands and I giggle/laugh/squeal (Jake, my husband, thinks my squealing is really cute). And when it comes to stimming, I tend to bite my nails A LOT, so I have to chew on gum or something. I also use my hands a lot, so I play with my wedding ring or bracelets or hair ties a lot. 

But that’s all me. I can’t speak for how other people act/react/feel when it comes to stuff. I can only speak for me <3 And I’m trying every single day to be a better and happier person. I’m trying to make friends and write my stories and just be a kind human being. 

SO, you wanna be friends?