#I didn't revise this so there are probably lots of mistakes

[zara-renata]

Hi, I write fanfiction about Love and Deepspace. Currently Sylus-dominant (heh), although I love and appreciate most of the LIs. Full summaries and tags are in each link.

The Sylus series

Part 1 Alike and cornered beast, Sylus's POV | ao3

I was desperate for Sylus's point of view during the first time that MC meets him in the Alike and Cornered Beast chapters of Long-Awaited Revelry. I wanted to know why he touches MC so reverently but also quite brutally, so I spent a lot of time thinking about possibilities and this is the result.

Part 2 Roleplay, undercurrents, and rising curtain, Sylus's POV | ao3

MC has PTSD from chapter 4 (you know the one), and no one can convince me otherwise, so I re-wrote the auction bits from Sylus's POV to fix this grievous oversight, because I am also firmly convinced he is a champ at handling MC's trauma.

Part 3 No way out, revised | ao3

I thought that MC was too mean to Sylus in his 4 star No Way Out card, and I didn't like it, so I fixed it. I mean, I rewrote how it went like a proper rabid fan.

Part 4 Datura tea, or how all you want is to get some sleep | ao3

You're suffering from insomnia due to untreated PTSD (probably, I don't know, I'm not a doctor or a therapist) from your family getting, well, exploded, and the longer this goes on, the sloppier you become in combat and just existing, and a bad idea is born.

Part 5 Sylus gets a headache | ao3

Sylus has secured the promise from you that he can use your place as a safe house if he's in the area and needs it. Sylus's definition of "need", it turns out, might be different than your own, as illustrated by the first time he shows up unannounced at your door.

Part 6 Wine time with Sylus | ao3

Sylus invites himself over, helps himself to your first aid kit and your kitchen, manipulates you into tasting wine with him, discusses his latest business venture, and gifts you more than one present before he's good and ready to finally leave.

Part 7 Sylus's guide to hiring, or Wine time with Sylus: his POV | ao3

Sylus mulls over all the data he has managed to collect regarding his sweet little hunter so far, and spends some time considering mistakes he's made and his plans for the future. He also hires a new employee and is required to teach the twins to mind their manners in front of guests he's trying to intimidate.

Part 8 Not my type | ao3

Sylus pesters you on your day off while you're at the arcade until you agree to "lend your talents" to him for the evening. So of course you show up at the designated location only to discover it's a nightclub, and you're dressed for a murder, but not on the dance floor.

Control: a Sylus series interlude | ao3

You are feeling a bit depressed after completing a mission that didn't go 100% the way you wanted. Mephisto, and then Sylus, pay you a visit to cheer you up.

Part 10 Sylus makes a deal | ao3

Sylus answers some questions, receives dating advice from a dubious source, makes a deal you can't refuse, receives a birthday invitation, and plans to take you home for the night.

Part 11 Even the rocks on the roadside in the N109 Zone could tell | ao3

Sylus makes one final miscalculation. You wake up from a nightmare in a place you weren't ready to revisit. Sylus has to reckon with the inevitable consequences of how he treated you when you first met him, but you're paying the higher price.

Part 12 Even the rocks on the roadside - Sylus's POV | ao3

Sylus tries to get some paperwork done in his office while you sleep. He receives a call that turns his night upside down and makes him regret some strategic choices he's made up until this point in conquering your heart.

Part 13 Q&A with Sylus Qin | ao3

Sylus cares for your injuries and feeds you a meal. After he shows you a part of his home that you didn't know existed, you finally ask him why he was so cruel to you when you first met him. Sylus does his best to answer with as much honesty as he can right now.

Part 14 How you learned to stop worrying and embrace Sylus Qin | ao3

Sylus reveals his latest little plot and makes you an offer that you ultimately can't refuse. More lying around talking in different beds with Sylus Qin.

Part 15 The dream, the tie, the tour, the dream | ao3

You have a good dream, get a guided tour of Onychinus's base by the chaos twins, talk yourself into being sad again, and then have another good dream

Creature Feature with Sylus Qin | ao3

You and Sylus dress up for a Halloween gala. This is a short little Sylus series interlude, occurring after these idiots finally get together.

Part 16 The right hand, the left hand, the heart of Sylus Qin | ao3

Sylus meets with his legal counsel while the twins give you a tour of the base, you wake up from a dream, Sylus wastes some eggs, you attempt to get to know Sylus better, and you have your first 'date' with Sylus Qin.

Part 17 The pool | ao3

You dream, you do some art, you go for a swim, Sylus destroys part of his office, you discover the hot tub, you're close to catching a clue. A 'morning' in the life at Onychinus HQ.

Goodcat code, or how you learned to care for your catboy | ao3

Your crimelord boyfriend disappears for a week, you make yourself sad listening to breakup songs, you learn that he got turned into a catboy, you get assigned a mission on the worst cruise ship ever, undercover shenanigans ensue.

One Shots

Sleepy time with Xavier | ao3

You suffer from chronic fatigue and worry that Xavier is only placating you when he says it's fine on the occasions you're too exhausted to follow through on plans together. On one such bad day, he reassures you in a way that you can no longer doubt.

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

It feels like hope.

Pairing: Hot Priest!Joel Miller x f!reader, no outbreak

Words count: 5700

Rating: Strictly +18, MINORS DON’T INTERACT

Warnings: pov second person, no use of y/n, priest kink, catholic guilt, religious kink, smut, unprotected p in v (use protections IRL!), reader has breasts and vagina and hair that can be pulled and wears a shirt and a skirt, apart from that no other description is given, age is not mentioned but they’re both grown up adults and reader is only inexperienced because she grew up in a very catholic family, fingering (f receiving), oral (m receiving), sex in a rectory, hair pulling, blasphemy all over the place 💀, pussy pronouns she/her, drinking, two hits on nipples, improper use of liturgical objects, cream pie, pet names (angel, baby), reader calls him "Father" during sex, mention of hell, mention of porn videos, mention of masturbation, improper use of prayers, God named in vain, another thing that I won’t spoil... listen, this thing is filthy, probably the filthiest more immoral thing I've ever wrote, ok? If you think you can't handle it just scroll down to another story.

This is a revised version of something I had already posted and then deleted because I personally didn't like it.

It took me months to come to an end with it, I don’t know why, I’ve changed a lot of things, I’ve changed the pov, I’ve changed dynamics etc… I really really hope you will enjoy it and please be gentle with me, I really tried hard even if you would think it’s no good.

English is not my first language and I have no beta so any mistake is all my fault, I’m sorry.

Title is a Fleabag quote, specifically from our beloved hot priest “when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope”

Thanks to everyone who has shown interest in this story, thanks to those who were there from the beginning (you know who you are and I love you) and thanks to anyone who will read 🩷

(Just added a brief note at the end 😉)

It all started on a Sunday. 

You came to your neighborhood church expecting a nice function and you exited knowing you were doomed. 

That Sunday you met the new parish priest.

From the first moment you felt like something in you was compromised. 

You couldn't even explain it to yourself and you had never felt like this, it was something so unfamiliar. 

A need you’ve never felt before.

Your eyes glued to his holy form, adoring his raven curly hair, his scruff, the curve of his neck, his strong nose, plump lips, broad shoulders, thick thighs, big hands.

Courteous and kind as he greeted parishioners leaving the church, he shook your hand and you felt a jolt.

You weren’t like this before, you did things to do good to others before. But now…

Volunteering for every event, clothing drive, bake sale, children's shows. You were always there for the ride. Making excuses to talk to him.

Wondering if he had any more freckles than the ones on his neck, how warm his skin would be, how manly and intoxicating his scent would be, what his kisses would taste like, what his fingers would have felt like inside your cunt, peeking at the outline of his cock under his black pants.

A perfect Christian girl who would have make your mother proud on the outside, a raging hell of arousal on the inside.

You couldn’t believe that he was him who had awakened this new person inside you, insanely hungry, wanting, needing to taste, lick, bite. 

His low gruff voice grueling from his chest echoed against your damp inner walls so much that you were almost afraid to get up after the mass and see a stain where you were seated.

It was more and more difficult every time to fight your urge, stay on the tracks of life that you were taught to live, no sex before marriage, no masturbation because it’s a sin, no impure thoughts because you were a good girl.

Yet now you could hear them, all those voices crowding your head, pushing you towards something you had been taught was wrong.

Entering the church you were trembling, guilt pulsing in your gut.

Everything was quiet and serene, your eyes wandered on the frescoed walls, the organ, the large altar and the wooden benches neatly lined up in rows in the central nave, your steps sounded uncertain and timid on the marble floor.

You entered the confessional feeling your heart beating wildly in your chest, palms sweating and your mouth dry.

You could hear his breathing through the grate.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned” 

The following silence weighed like never before.

“Open your heart to the Lord so He can forgive your sins”

And you had confessed. 

The words slipped from your mouth like pearls from a broken necklace, finally rolling free between your lips revealing your every sordid thought.

The girl shaped by catholic parents to be a modest virgin, mother and maid, perfect smile and delicate manners was in reality a shameful bundle of filth.

You were a sinner.

A sinner eaten out from dirty thoughts.

You told him how you couldn't stop thinking about him, how you had questioned your feelings and who you were as a person, how you hadn't spent a night without touching yourself thinking about him in many months.

You told him about your desire to kiss him and more. So much more. Everything.

Every single time you lowered your hand in your panties, every single time you squeezed your breasts, driven by instinct and desire, every single time you thought of him as Joel. Just Joel, a man.

You just wanted to let go of the weight on your chest, coming clean. If you said it all out loud you would have realized how crazy it was.

You heard the door snapping, a few heavy steps close to where you were seated, the door opening to your side.  

Suddenly he was there, standing in front of you.

He said nothing, only grabbed your arm, dragging you to the rectory.

Dust in the air danced beneath the soft light that came in from two small windows high up.

There wasn't much in the room, a cupboard where liturgical objects were kept, a table, a wardrobe where the clothes for the service were hung.

Nobody was there except the two of you, you could hear the rumble of his breathing and your heart drumming behind your rib cage.

He was staring at you. 

Your mouth sealed, a lump in your stomach.

You thought about the day he tried to teach you how to play guitar.

You were here, together, helping with the Christmas party. He was sitting strumming when you walked in, you tried not to surprise him from behind by pretending to cough and he turned to you. He didn’t stop playing as he greeted you, you told him “I didn’t know you played” and he invited you to try. As you sat down your legs were shaking, he gave you the guitar and you just stared at it, fingers uncertain and mind empty. 

“It’s not that hard” he told you and he leaned over you taking one of your hands in his and placing it on the neck of the guitar, moving your fingers over the strings “like this. Now play”

You strummed on the guitar and an unpleasant sound came out, you both laughed softly at your clumsiness and a flood of pleasure slicked your panties.

His breath on you was like a caress, you felt the minty scent grazing at your nostrils.

For a moment, just for a moment you thought, “I could turn around right now and kiss him. A few inches and my lips would be on his.”

Your desire flowed before your eyes, leaving you with nothing else to look at.

“But I can’t. I can’t.” 

You've tried to swat away that sinful thought with another strum on the guitar but nothing disappeared, instead it burned in your core even strongly than before.

You thought about that day when the rain caught you on your way to set up the bake sale, how you walked into the rectory soaked from head to toe, how he looked at your shirt stuck to your skin that left little to the imagination, how you instinctively covered yourself when you just wanted to let your arms hang at your sides and let him look at you. You saw a reaction in his eyes as he mumbled that he was going to get you a towel, just a moment before he regained his composure, and it was enough. You knew that he was not indifferent to you. That night you touched yourself imagining what it would be like if he took your shirt off, if he placed his lips on your neck, his tongue on your breast, his cock inside you.

You started to navigate on porn sites daily, out of curiosity first and then because you needed to see, you needed to imagine, you needed to visualize something so unfamiliar and strange to you. 

You were ashamed, but at the same time you couldn't help it, it was the only resource you could think of looking for and it was there, on your phone, private, no one would have known. You didn't even imagine you would find so many, a whole catalog of big dicks, huge tits, positions that your brain couldn't conceive.

Seeing those women pleasuring themselves scared you but at the same time attracted you, you wanted to be like them, you wanted to reach that pleasure, you wanted to try their way of using their hands, you wanted to refine your clumsy way of reaching that heat between your legs.

You sinked into it.

If your parents had known, if your community had known, you would have been branded an unworthy woman, a pervert, a slut.

But your parents were far away now, your whole life was somewhere else and you were proud to have freed yourself from the golden cage they had locked you in. You were an adult now, it was the moment to choose for yourself. If they hadn’t always denied you any other vision of the world, if they hadn’t forbidden you to have the experiences that everyone has in their youth, maybe it wouldn’t have happened this way.

His mouth was a thin line, tensed, you looked into his eyes and you saw nothing than dark.

So much different from the gentle detachment he had always shown to everyone, his look was a mixture of concern, agitation, maybe a hint of fear, but most of all - to your great surprise - sexual arousal.

You could see him cracking behind those eyes, you could feel his mind filling with all sorts of questions.

His voice was barely a whisper but sharp as a blade when he finally spoke “Are you even honest with that ‘I am a good christian’ thing? Say the truth”

You hesitated, the uneasiest bitter taste in your mouth.

“I-” your throat felt like atrophied “yes” you tried to say.

“No, you’re not. The least you could do is being fucking honest with Him” he raised his finger pointing it at the ceiling.

You’ve never heard him cursing before.

You looked down feeling the weight of your stomach turn to lead and then concrete and if you thought you were free now you felt even more guilty. 

You said the only thing your brain could think of at that moment and you knew what you were asking for, you knew what it would do to him and you knew that in this way you would drag him down with you. And yet you did it anyway, because desire was stronger than anything, than faith, than lies, than truth.

“I need-I need to repent. Teach me” you pleaded “teach me how to be good”

Something lit up in his gaze, like a spark of hell, a glow of lust.

He turned around and you hungrily followed his every move.

His hands moving expertly, the cupboard opening, him taking out the mass wine and pouring it into a chalice.

You saw him down the entire glass, without hesitation, without a shred of tremor.

You felt like you were watching a hurricane approaching, just waiting for the wind to suck you in without being able to do anything else.

You wanted it. You wanted it to sweep you away, to make you someone else, braver, indomitable, someone who wasn’t afraid to say what she wanted because of a belief that had been instilled in her, someone who was simply herself. 

We are all born with guilt, you told yourself. I am tired, tired of dealing with mine so much.

You just wanted to feel alive, to feel something authentic and fierce, no half measures. 

You wanted to be desired in a way that felt relentless and desperate, like air that is necessary to keep humans alive, something unique and undeniable.

Could Joel read it in your eyes? He was so good at reading people, you could tell it right away. 

He had guessed a lot about you, he had noticed how coffee was a weakness of yours - and his - and he offered you a cup first thing in every meeting.

He had noticed how nervous Danny, a parishioner who liked to play the fool with any woman present, most often in front of his wife, got you and made sure to never leave you alone with him.

He had noticed how much you enjoyed sewing and had assigned you the costumes for the play and praised your work. 

And he did the same with the guitar that day when he saw how enthusiast and curious you were about it. He didn't say it openly, but his gestures spoke for him.

He came closer to you again, bending the chalice to your mouth and said “drink”. Sharp, cold, an order.

At that point you didn’t care it was something you were not supposed to do, forbidden, maybe unholy even, you just drank. 

You were dealing with a part of yourself that always existed but you had put that in a box.

Joel looked into your eyes sternly and said: “Show me the good Christian that you think you are. Pray.”

“What?”

“Pray. Right now” 

“What prayer?” You asked, confused.

“You're not starting off well, you should know that.” He smirked, caught you in fail.

“Act of contrition” you whispered and he nodded “yes. That’s right.”

He was just inches away from you, his crucifix hanging between your bodies, grazing at your stomach. 

You began to recite in a low voice, stumbling over your words, your brain couldn’t think straight:

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest… all my sins because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offended Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving all my love.”

You said it dozen of times before and yet it seemed totally different in that moment. 

Joel took off his rosary, letting it dangle from his hand and swing across your chest. Beads brushed against the cotton bra you wore under your blouse, making your nipples harden, you could feel them pushing against the fabric.

“Go on”

“I- I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen”

“Take off your shirt,” he told you in a whisper.

Something shifted inside him “and your bra”

His voice was no longer the same, it came from deep within him, frighteningly authoritarian but to you it seemed like a magic instrument that was hypnotizing you.

You did what he told you. 

You were half naked in front of a man for the first time. It could have happened before, much before, but of course you couldn’t because you never got married. No one was supposed to see your body except the man you were going to take to the altar. That’s what they taught you.

Joel looked at you, entranced, almost in disbelief. You wondered how long it had been since he’d seen someone else’s naked body, what effect it had on him. 

You were more alike than you seemed, both of you denied something because of religion. 

You were both more needy and frustrated than you were allowed to admit. Tension hung in the air like a fog that clouded both of your gazes.

Every time you had talked to him you had noticed the way he looked at you but you thought it was all in your head, like you were a poor naive girl who was building castles in the air, but now you knew that wasn't the case.

It was another thing you shouldn’t have done but you prayed deep down that he wouldn’t decide to stop.

He raised his arm, clutching his rosary. You felt a slash through the air and then a sharp smack on your nipple.

You looked down shocked as the pain quickly turned into a dull pleasure rising from the pit of your tummy, to fade more and more, becoming a tingling sensation.

You liked it.

You wanted more.

He did the same at your other breast and all the breath you had left in your body had slipped past your lips in a lustful sob.

He took one of your nipples between his fingers, twisting and pinching it and you couldn’t help but moan. A sound you never made for no one and you made it first for a priest.

His body pushed you against the wall, his breath on your neck, his fingers didn't stop torturing your nipple. Everything you saw was red. Red like the passion you had never felt before, red like the blood that pulsed in your veins, red like sin.

“Kneel” he said firmly.

You were equal parts scared of making a fool of yourself and eager to try.

You knelt down, feeling the cold of the floor touch your shins. 

His eyes were as uncertain as yours, it was new territory for both of you but you saw a flame burning in him and you felt it inside you. 

His face was serious, tense, as if he was ashamed of what he was doing but couldn't contain. 

He was punishing you and punishing himself at the same time.

You weren’t afraid though, you were ready to face what was eating you up and you trusted Joel for some reason. You could see in him that he wouldn’t hurt you. At least not more than you wanted.

Your tentative fingers undid his pants, letting them sag around his ankles. A pronounced erection protruded from his boxers as his eyes almost begged you, they weren’t cruel and ruthless eyes, but rather needy and guilty.

You moved your hand closer to his crotch, hesitating for a moment before placing it there, testing the sensation, opening your fingers around it to realize how thick it was. You could feel the heat through the fabric. You caressed it, feeling the tremor that shook Joel's body. Your eyes couldn't tear themselves away, it was the first time you had seen one in person, you were amazed and attracted. You continued to caress him until you heard a grunt leave Joel’s lips and a stain wet the front of his boxers. You were struck by how much he was growing under your hand and the smell, like musk, pungent but not unpleasant.

You remembered the videos you had seen, how women did it, looking into the men's eyes lustfully, with a confidence and naturalness you had never acquired. You wanted to be like them, but you were afraid of being ridiculous or grotesque.

You slowly pulled down his boxers, gasping at the sight of his cock springing free. 

Joel had his eyes fixed on you, they were encouraging somehow, he made you feel safe but the trembling of your fingers did not stop. You took his shaft in your hand again and were surprised at how soft his skin was there, velvety. You watched that thin layer of skin retract as you moved your hand up and down like you had seen in the videos, it felt incredible. It was heavy, hot and throbbing. It was uncut. His big balls hanging right under. You ran your thumb over the tip, collecting the pre-cum that was leaking, spreading it around.

Joel was quiet, he let you do it.

He was touch starving, just like you.

You lowered your head and licked him, just with the tip of your tongue. A timid lick, like a kitten.

His taste, matching the musky scent you could smell, invaded your mouth in an instant. You had never tasted anything like it. You braced yourself, while Joel waited, and licked once more, this time starting at the base and working your way up.

Joel groaned.

You pulled away, looking into his eyes, he brought a hand to your cheek and then to your chin and took it in his palm. 

“You are so beautiful” he whispered.

And you felt beautiful, you felt like someone was really seeing you for the first time. And you loved that that someone was him.

You took a deep breath and lowered your head onto his cock, you knew you couldn't fit it all in your mouth, but you wanted to take as much as you could.

“Don’t force yourself” Joel murmured as your lips touched his skin, causing another whine.

“I want to do it” you replied resolutely, you were loving hearing him whimper beneath you.

His length slid across your tongue, wet and salty, your lips closing around it.

You closed your eyes and focused on that feeling, just holding it there, nestled inside.

“Suck it,” Joel commanded gently, bringing a hand into your hair and twining his fingers there.

You were unsure how to do it, you tried to suck it in as if you were using a large straw, with all the breath you had.

Joel flinched, almost losing his balance “Easy, baby” he muttered

You pulled away again, eyes widened “oh my god, I’m sorry” almost afraid of having hurt him but he immediately reassured you "no it's okay, just... go slower, go slower if you don't want me to come right away”

“Uh- okay” responding timidly to the smile that was spreading across his face.

You began to suck again more calmly, holding the base tightly with your hand, feeling it pulsate between your fingers and on your tongue.

It was an addictive sensation, spreading through your synapses like a drug.

Obviously you had never tried any drugs, but you imagined that the sensation might be similar to something like that.

Joel still held your head, his grip tightening as you continued, you could feel his body tense and respond, and you liked it. You liked it more than you ever liked putting on your Sunday best and going to say prayers with your parents like you always had.

There was actually a prayer that was ringing in your head and it was Joel's, who softly repeated "just like that, you're being so good to me”

It was exhilarating.

You felt like you had a true gift, for once in your life.

An obscene gift, but still.

You had the courage to run from your mom and dad and then at what felt like a minute later you found yourself there, naked from waist up, on your knees, sucking a priest cock.

You’ve never felt more alive.

Deep down you were exactly that person there, not a whore like everyone you knew would say. Just a woman, a woman who wanted what other women wanted. Sex, pleasure, being important to someone or just not being condemned to do what others wanted for you.

You continued to suck as Joel's breathing became heavier and more labored.

At that point he was just uttering disconnected phrases like “oh my God” and “Yes, go on”, his voice hoarse and scratchy.

Suddenly he started shaking violently, almost falling, as something warm and sticky hit your throat. You knew what it was and you were eager to swallow, as you had seen done in so many videos.

A little of it slipped from your lips, down your chin, onto your neck.

Joel's hand was still in your hair, it almost hurt but it was a delicious pain that you were enduring, a small punishment for the rush of adrenaline and excitement that was coursing through you.

You kept holding his cock in your mouth until you felt it relax.

“Get up,” Joel said gently, still out of breath, as he was fixing his boxers and pants.

Your knees almost gave out, you leaned against the wall feeling wetness on your panties.

Joel came closer to you, placing a hand on your cheek, pulling you into a deep kiss that left you stunned for a second and then you were more than happy to reciprocate. His tongue in your mouth explored feverishly, you wondered if he could taste himself from your lips.

He pulled out saying “I’ve never done anything like this before” and you replied “me neither.” 

And then he was on your lips again, nibbling at your lower one, placing his hand on your thigh, raising it under your skirt, up to your drenched panties, grazing them with his fingers.

You squirmed, moaning a “yes, please” from down your throat, a tingle spreading on your outer lips, in your tummy, up to your chest.

He put his hand inside your panties, brushing your skin.

“What should I do with you?” He asked, in an almost desperate tone, as if he knew he couldn't stop and was asking permission not to.

“Make me come” you pleaded “Please.”

He sighed, pulling your panties aside and sliding his index and middle fingers between your folds, gathering your wetness up to your clit, starting circling it as you writhed. 

It was different than when you did it yourself, his fingers bigger and stronger, his touch a little clumsy but still effective and intoxicating.

His mouth landed on your neck, stifling a moan, sucking a hickey where it joined your shoulders, nibbling hungrily at your skin.

“Have you ever done this before?” 

“Just…me” 

He smirked “have you ever put your fingers inside you?” 

“I- yes.” there were no point on beating around the bush, you told him that you touched yourself thinking about him. You were already deep down into that dizzy. 

“Put your fingers in me” you added immediately “I want to feel them, please Joel, I want to know what they can do to me” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes, yes.” You breathed.

He prodded at your entrance,  just a little bit, making you whine just with his fingers tip.

The rosary lay abandoned on the floor, you could see it out of the corner of your eye and you didn't care about that eyewitness symbol of what was happening between you two.

You would have liked him to put it around your neck while he fucked you, fully participating in that sinful act. 

You were surprised yourself at what you were thinking but somehow it made you even more eager.

You felt two of his fingers sink inside you, filling that void that you had never been able to fill enough on your own, stretching you. 

It hurts a little at first because they were bigger than yours, but then it was more heavenly than anything else. If you were made for anything, it was to be there in that moment.

Joel looked ecstatic “God, she’s so… wet” he whispered “and warm” His face was the representation of pleasure, lips slightly parted, his eyes wide, his pupils dilated, his heavy breathing blowing on your neck.

He began to move his fingers inside you rhythmically, each thrust making you shake and sob, a litany of “yes” coming out strangled from your mouth.

He went slowly, taking his time, as if he was savoring every second of your pussy tightening around his fingers.

He placed his other hand on your breast again, cupping and squeezing and then twisting your nipple. Big hand full of your tit.

It was beautiful. You didn’t know how or why people could deny themselves that, but you certainly wouldn’t do it again, not after having Joel inside you. He curled his fingers, looking for the right way to make you feel the pleasure you wanted, the one you kept asking for.

“You like that, baby?” He asked with an hopeful tone

“It feels so good, so good” you told him, clinging to his neck, digging your nails into his soft skin as you felt like you were losing your mind. You didn't care about losing it, your mind had ruled your life for so, so long.

“Please don’t stop” you murmured, tightening your other hand on his wrist, guiding him “don't stop”

You felt your essence slowly leaking out of you, spreading over Joel's fingers and your outer lips, you had never been so soaked, never so much as under Joel's touch.

Your eyes suddenly fixed on that little piece of white cloth that was around his neck, that little piece that made all the difference in the world and made what you were doing terribly wrong in the eyes of others and God and Joel kissed you again like a man deprived and starved, his lips trembling and dramatic, asking silently for more and more, like they were drinking from yours.

He was all over you, like a sailor through a  violent storm, he clung to whatever he could, as if it were a matter of life and death. 

Tasting him like this, the smell of his skin, his warmth, his clerical clothes rubbing against your half-naked body, made your head spin.

You moved your hand onto his collar, grasping it with your fingers, pulling it, until it came undone, you squeezed it as you came copiously, repeating Joel's name and God's, cutting off your moans, abandoning your head on Joel's shoulder.

It was all too much and yet not enough, you wished it would never end. Joel held you tight, one hand moving behind your back, as his fingers continued to sink into you. The blinding pleasure that had invaded every fiber of your body was raging like hell’s flames inside you, like a sinful but also purifying fire, wrong and right, heavenly and hellish.

And then it slowly faded, giving way to a sense of satisfaction that had never belonged to you.

You could feel his erection pressing against your thigh, hard and demanding again.

Joel grunted, pulling his fingers out of you, taking them to his lips, gathering your juices with his tongue.

“I want… I want your cock, Father” you whispered, at that point you felt greedy, delirious, drunk on sex.

His eyes widened, being called “Father” was making him even more aroused and dizzy.

You grabbed his balls from above his pants, holding your hand tightly on them “please, Joel”.

If you were going to Hell for this, you might as well go all the way.

Joel pushed you against the table on the other side of the room, making you sit on it, unzipped his pants again, pulling out his cock without hesitation, as if he had finally accepted his fate.

His fingers were big but his cock… you wondered how it would all fit inside you.

“I’ll go slowly” Joel reassured you “It will fit” he said, brushing your folds with the tip, aligning his cock with your entrance, as if he had guessed your thoughts. His eyes were blacker than ever as he prodded his shaft past through your lips.

It felt overwhelming, so big and pulsing, it hurt but you almost immediately felt a fullness that you had never felt and a sense of belonging, your pussy opened like a bud, widening and molding for him.

If you were made for anything, it was to be there in that moment.

“She’s tight, so damn tight” Joel gawked “fuck” 

You whimpered, looking at his face, so serious, pleasure written all over it and you felt like it was right, it had to be right if it was that good.

“Make me yours, Father, make me good” you pleaded. 

Joel growled as he slid in and out of you, slamming against your walls, your pussy making obscene squelching sounds every time he moved, dripping all over his cock and the table.

It didn’t even seem embarrassing to you to be so inexperienced, you both were. You didn’t know if Joel had had sex before but you guessed he hadn’t had it in a long time anyway. 

You didn't know if it was the way it was supposed to be but you felt like it was natural, not like in the videos you'd seen which were probably mostly choreographed to please the eye.

It was sex. Pure and simple. Urgent, hungry, even uncontrolled.

And the way your body reacted, melting like wax under Joel's hands, arching into his touch, bending to his will, and seeking all the friction you could get, told you that this was the right way for you.

“See?” Joel mumbled “You’re taking me so well, baby, a perfect angel for me”

You twisted your legs behind his back, pushing him against you as much as you could, kissing the exposed skin on his neck. It drove you crazy that he was still dressed, you wanted to rip off his shirt and run your hands down on him, feel his warm skin on yours so you did it. You placed your hands on both sides and you just popped every button, revealing his broad chest, feeding your eyes with every single detail and your fingers with every shape and curve.

“Never had a cock inside before but that pussy is made for mine, I swear to God she is” he started desperately rutting into you, deeper strokes every time, taking God’s name in vain, murmuring some prayers while he pounded into you. You could feel his big vein brushing at your walls, his big mushroom hammering your cervix, the most intense rapture you’ve ever felt.

He pulled at your hair, forcing you to look him in the eye, murmuring “that’s what you wanted, huh? Dragging me to hell with you?”

Your eyes filled with tears at the thought. It was true, somehow you corrupted him, but you were willing to face that just to feel something so strong. You weren’t sure about him though.

But again, he was there, right there with you, with his cock inside your cunt and you didn’t force any of it, he could say no, he could stop, but he choose the sin. Now blaming you wasn’t so saintly nor kind, but you understood why he did that. He needed to blame someone other than himself, and you were there, open arm taking the weight for him.

Your ass slid back and forth on the wood of the table with each thrust, one of his hands was on your nipple again while the other held you behind your back. He then moved to your clit, applying pressure on it, circling it with two fingers.

You looked down only to see his cock sinking between your lips, his balls bouncing and the bush of hair that adorned his groin glistening with your juices.

You could smell the sex in the air, your mingling scents becoming one, your pleasure merging and becoming one as he shot huge spurts of cum into you.

He muttered a prayer, asking God for forgiveness, his voice exhausted, hoarse, broken by orgasm.

And then you woke up.

Your room was quiet, the crucifix that your mom gave you hanging on the wall behind your bed.

It took a few seconds for your sleepy, blurry gaze to settle on it, you were sweaty and shocked.

You closed your eyes, shutting them and cursing under your breath. 

You unrolled your body from the sheets and then stood up and picked up the crucifix. Your days as a good, God-fearing girl were over.

A/n: if you don't know what is dream and what is reality in the story at this point, that's what I wanted, I hope it's not too confusing but I wanted to try something new. I hope you liked it and thanks for your time 🩷

[ieuvb]

focus , will ya? - katsuki bakugou

studying with bakugou is really relaxing , not even kidding. the room is filled with soft music that plays in the background and the only thing you could probably hear is the pen scribbling on the paper and maybe soft humming that hums along the music.

and today was no difference , since finals were coming up in 3 weeks , you and bakugou decided to study early. not an extreme study just bit by bit revising here and there. just so you can get better score than before.

you're in his dorm room , sitting on a comfy chair using his study table while he uses a coffee table while sitting on the floor with the cushion. he literally threatened you to use his table just so you could be more comfortable than he would. gosh sometimes you just want to kill him for being so sweet and loving.

"babe , can i please get help with this one." you hear footsteps approaching you. and you feel bakugou hovering over you from behind as he looks at the question. "dumbass , did you not pay attention today at all? you have so many damn questions today." you pout and whine. "i didn't sleep well last night , so i dozed off a couple of times that's all~"

"sleepyhead." he lets a quiet sigh and shakes his head. "okay so this..." he begins to explain but of course you didn't listen at all , you just stared at him , taking notes of his facial features instead of your study notes. his jawline , his soft lips , his pointy nose and his cle-

"oi! are you even listening?" his crimson eyes meet yours. "don't frown , you'll get the ugly wrinkles." you reach over his brows with your two fingers and brush over it. he then grabs your wrist and looks dead in your eyes. "did you listen?" he asked and you just shook your heads.

another reason why you should study with bakugou , he has lots of patience or maybe it's just with you? he knows that you sometimes get distracted , but he still takes his time in teaching you. this also allows him to be with you longer before you head towards your own dorm room.

"you better listen now , i'm not repeating again." he grumbles and shifts a little but still hovers over you. "kiss." he leans his head back frustration written over his forehead. "i promise i'll focus if you give me a kiss." he looks down on you and sighs. "can you please focus." he said as he leans down , gives you a kiss which was longer than you wanted.

"mhm~ you should kiss me from this position again , not only do you look hot but the kiss definitely feels more spicy." he smacks his forehead and was about curse but you interrupted. "okay okay! i'll focus."

sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes

kinda wanna go on a study date ;/

[pianistbynight]

days 1-7 of a slow but meaningful summer

this is really the only part of traumerei that i can play sort of fluently...sort of, because you can still hear some hesitation as i try to remember the right notes 😅

thursday | 08/08/24

Started Leviathan Wakes

Tested out of U1 in Japanese and started U2 (loving its similarities to French cuz more familiarity = faster learning curve hopefully?🤞🏻)

Practiced piano...some old scales to warm up + the Clementi sonatina (coming back to it after a 2-3 day break was a good idea! somehow my steadiness has improved! also coming to appreciate metronome practice. sight-reading for the day = a few new bars on the 2nd page) + playing around with Kinderszenen (at this point I just wanted to hear different sounds and it wasn't very productive practice)

Read more of the HSP book

Most likely will have to revise my goals bc I don't think I can make decent progress in all the songs I wanted to in 4 weeks...like, to bring 1 L7 song to performance level after years of not performing anything + without a teacher will probably take longer than it used to. Not sure exactly what that looks like yet other than that it's definitely not gonna be all of Kinderszenen... 😂

friday | 08/09/24

practice wasn't very good today...i kept making silly mistakes i didn't used to make. i'm tired. that's why. i also forgot to do my japanese lesson. i didn't feel like reading either. i don't remember what else i did that day.

saturday | 08/10/24

drained of all energy. didn't practice. didn't do japanese. just chilled with @zzzzzestforlife for the most part and started reading what you are looking for is in the library on her recommendation. i love how philosophical japanese fiction is fjsjdkdks ☺️☺️☺️ (and more generally, i'm surprised that for a culture so new to me, a lot of their ways are just...second nature to my personality...it was very relieving. but i also feel that if i were to live in such a place full time, i would be staying too much in my comfort zone...i also don't know that i would want to ever live in Japan since there are also some important aspects about my current home that i'd miss terribly. all this to say, i'd like to visit Japan again at some point in my lifetime.)

sunday | 08/11/24

went to bed feeling very drained, frustrated, and homesick. so as you can imagine, i didn't get very good sleep. my bare minimum goals for today are:

japanese lesson

read zesty's book recs (there's the library book, the secret adversary [which she rec'd back to me after i rec'd it to her a couple months ago lol], and leviathan wakes) ✅

monday | 08/12/24

finally read the last of the clementi sonatina! got it to a "meh" level to polish in the next few days. super excited! played a few other pieces after that but i think i should focus on level 7 pieces for now before jumping into something barely readable but still playable. i should've brought some level 8 sheet music with me too...but i guess i can read from my laptop (god save my eyes if i do that lol 😵)

might put Kinderszenen back on the (mental music) shelf for now.

i also read more of what you are looking for is in the library and i just love how much there is to ponder about what was said. insightful fiction is my favorite fiction 💗

tuesday | 08/13/24

finished What You Are Looking For Is In The Library! it's such a good book. it's a short story collection but each story is in the same universe and while each story is independent (convienient for readers like me who like to take their time with books but sometimes take so much time that they forget what the story was lol), they're connected in ways that...you know that feeling when you bump into an old acquaintance in a completely foreign place you don't expect to meet anyone you know? that feeling is what i felt as i read chapter after chapter. it makes the vast world feel less lonely.

in the evening i tried to memorize and get the clementi sonatina up to speed. i guess i must be succeeding because my dad said it'd make mice dance lol. also played a bit of traumerei...trying to read more of it but progress is slower since i need to pay closer attention to which notes to hold and when to let go of them.

wednesday | 08/14/24

started reading sweet bean paste today (another japanese book... they're quickly becoming my favorite type of book.) i like it so far. there's potential for a lot of warmth and emotion in talking about food, which is just 🥰

also started "Databases: Modeling and Theory" on edx... 🙈 i'm auditing so i only have 2 weeks (until Aug. 28) to access the material (because the minimum amount of time needed to complete the course is 2 weeks gahhh). so i need to be halfway by Aug. 19. in theory i can do this if i put in 2h of work each day. it's too hot to play piano during the day, so i can do databases then and play piano at night. yes, i can do this. (i need to get my brain used to a faster, "left-brained" pace anyway in prep for school in september. 🙁)

continuing to polish the clementi sonatina and started reading this kuhlau sonatina which is pretty fun difficult. it's really just the left hand that makes it suck. haven't figured out how to move so that the staccatos are sharp despite the finger pedaling. i can do it slow, but not fast while staying quiet, so i must be doing something wrong. sometimes you just gotta sit on it, i guess.

[bleach-your-panties]

🔴Request: Kensei turns the tables and gets Shuuhei back with help from Kensei's s/o 😝

----

a/n: lmao, i started this years back and went digging in my docs to find it. y'all are giving me the tea with these requests and it is PIPING HOT, honey☕🍯😂

•the official sequel to this request & bonus material!

🛑warnings: 18+ mdni. exhibitionism, degradation, desk sex, oral (m!receiving), Kensei alluding to a possible orgy, Shuuhei's trauma karma , lmao.

Shuuhei trudged along to the 9th Division Communications Office early one morning after flopping oh-so ungracefully out of bed.

His captain, Kensei Muguruma, had called for an early morning meeting that was mandatory for him to attend.

Why did he have to be the only one in attendance? What about Mashiro?

The certain green-haired woman probably couldn't be found at the moment, so Kensei just gave up and took who he could get, who just so happened to be Shuuhei.

He grumbled silently to himself as he walked along, only lifting his head up to greet a few passing shinigami that said good morning to him.

Once he walked through the door, he spotted Kensei sitting at his desk shifting through some papers.

The white-haired man looked up at him with a small scowl on his face, and gestured for Shuuhei to sit down.

"What did you need to see me about, sir?" Shuuhei asked tentatively, not wanting to get the man riled up for any reason.

Kensei took a minute to respond, which puzzled Shuuhei for a moment.

He was about to repeat the question when he heard a soft but drawn-out 'ah' like someone inhaling a large gulp of air after having held their breath for a while.

'Okay, that's a bit…unsettling…' Shuuhei thought.

Kensei's face flashed from his usual intense look to a more relaxed one, the wrinkles between his brows disappearing for a microsecond before he was back to his typical glare.

"I found a lot of grammatical errors in your draft for next week's issue. Review it again."

He handed Shuuhei the folder with his work in it and the plum-haired male accepted it with an affirmative nod.

"Right, my apologies, sir. I'll take it home and begin revising it right now-"

There was that sound again.

Soft ah's and hm's and then an unmistakable sound that he was all-too-used to hearing throughout his own home.

Shuuhei dared to push himself away from the desk and let his eyes trail downwards and follow all the way from a sandaled foot and up a black-robe-clad back until they met the sight of your mouth latched onto Kensei's huge cock, your nose buried in his soft-looking, light grey pubic hair.

"AH! Oh my God! I-I'm s-so sorry, Muguruma-taicho! I didn't know that you-, I swear I didn't look; I mean I looked, but it was unintentional!"

Shuuhei continued his nervous babbling, bringing the folder up to cover his flustered, tattooed face.

"I-I'm a happily married man!" He decided to throw in there so that he didn't get killed fired.

Kensei sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes, but the latter was likely due to you moving your tongue to circle over one of the thick veins under his cock.

"Don't I know it? You say that like I didn't catch you in here fucking your wife on my fucking desk."

"I said I was sorry!"

"I don't give a fuck, just get out and - s-shit Y/N - fix your fucking blunders so we can get this shit published."

"Yes sir! S-sorry again, sir!"

Shuuhei ran out of that office as fast as his legs could carry him. He was moving so fast, you'd think he was using sonido.

"Is he gone?"

"Yeah, and now I can get back to work. That means you can get back to work as well, slut."

"Yes sir, Muguruma-taicho~"

—-

A little later that evening, Shuuhei had finished his revisions and decided to drop it back off by the office before heading to his s/o's division to pick her up for a surprise dinner date.

Big mistake.

"Taichou, I finished those revisions that you asked me to m- OH GOD!"

Kensei had you propped up on your knees on the top of his desk, facing the door. Your mouth was gagged with your white obi and his rope-belt had your wrists secured in front of you while he held your legs apart by the ankles.

Thank God Shuuhei couldn't see Kensei's dick pummeling you from the back, but he could see how the grey-haired man's movements had you and the entire desk lurching forward, not to mention your breasts swaying and bouncing out of your shinigami robes.

"Drop it on the desk there and since you like walking in on me so much, why don't you bring s/o and I can show you how to really fuck a whore."

Shuuhei almost broke his neck turning the corner to get the fuck out of there.

'No, no thank you! She gets fucked pretty well I'd say, and I'd like to just erase the image of your grey pubes out of my head, please and thanks.' He rolled his eyes and huffed, getting the fuck away from the 9th Division offices.

Next time Kensei called a random meeting, Shuuhei would hunt Mashiro down by force and drag her there by her stupid orange scarf if he had to.

----

ʳᵉᵇˡᵒᵍˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵃᵖᵖʳᵉᶜⁱᵃᵗᵉᵈ!

[ninyard]

Heya! I’m new to writing fanfic despite reading for more than half of my life, and I have maybe a silly question: do you get help from a beta? How does one…find that help? 😅 I have a TRC and a TFC fic I need to complete and no godly clue how to find someone to read over what I write so I don’t obsess myself into spirals on my own haha.

I don't personally! But not for any specific reason - I think if literally ANYONE turned around to me and said they would be cool with beta reading my fics I would LOVE that shit. With the amount of mistakes I miss even after half a dozen rereads, I probably should have one lol

In general what I do is just step away from things for a day or two once I think they're finished, then read through it all, and if I trip up over anything in my brain, or find anything that feels a bit too wordy/like a mouthful, I'll revise it. I hate second drafts with a PASSION but for my first draft I usually write out the whole thing, with its bare bones, and fill in the gaps later. If you get stuck on something, just move on and come back to it later. Need to describe another character but don't know what to do? Just write 'He had blue eyes and brown hair' and move on. Things like that. It's so much easier to come back to it and fix it then fixating on it and getting nowhere. (i do a lot of additions in my edits, hence how my most recent fic went from 13k words in the first draft to 18k after the edit.)

I'm one of those losers that gets inspired by reading my own writing, so stepping away from fics when you think you've spent too much time spiralling over it, to come back to it later, is a LIFESAVER. Things you thought you were stuck on will get so much clearer once your brain has had a break, once you've """forgotten""" the exact words you wrote down. Read it from the beginning like it's your first time reading it, read every word, and if something takes you out of it, then figure out why and fix it.

Most importantly try not to be too worried about numbers and other peoples' opinions. It's easy to become discouraged when you're 5 chapters into a fic and it feels like nobody is reading it or liking it, but write for yourself!

Practice makes better, because it’ll never be perfect. Just have fun, don’t take it too seriously, and write what you want to read. Make a post and tag the fandom on it asking if anyone wants to be a beta reader, or maybe ask if anyone wants to “swap” (you beta read theirs and they read yours). I don’t know though!!!! I have never ever written with a beta reader so I don’t really have any advice there:((

I'm sorry I know you didn't ask for advice and I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or anything. We all start somewhere!! Here’s snippets from a fic I wrote in 2016 vs a different one I wrote this year.

Everybody starts somewhere, I’ve been writing fics for like 12 years and I still doubt if my writing is any good. Sure, validation is nice, but you have to trust yourself (and like your own stuff!!). and if you feel worried about your writing just keep going!!!! You’ll find your style and settle into it but just trust yourself and have fun my friend!! You’ve got this<3

(This got way too long and I rambled too much I’m so sorry)

[rainbowsky]

GQ and XZ have bad history??? They boycotted him why??

Hi Anon,

This is a fandom - mostly 🍤 - conspiracy theory that doesn't hold a lot of weight. I'm not going to get into the weeds on it except to say that a lot of the claims are false or misrepresented, especially the ones about Rocco Liu.

The post that is said to have come from Rocco is one from 2019 where he allegedly says he's getting sick of seeing GG's face everywhere and basically rolls his eyes and says stars like that are here today, gone tomorrow. (However, the account/post no longer exists, so it's impossible to verify whether it was real, whether it was him or not, etc.)

And the post itself is pretty harmless. Yeah, it's speaking negatively about GG, but it's the sort of thing people say online about celebrities every single day.

There are 2 or 3 other posts that are claimed to be from Rocco, but which fans are actually mistaking. They appear to have come from the previous editor-in-chief, and mostly swirled around 2/27. And the whole 'boycott' claim is just totally unsubstantiated.

(Edit: More on this later in the post)

2/27 didn't bring out the best in a lot of people, and it was horrible for GG but I think it's best to look at it rationally and have a sense of perspective. Every day every one of us casually says terrible things about one celebrity or another. Especially when we are hearing horrible things about a person and their influence on culture.

For example, I absolutely can't stand Lady Gaga. While some of her songs are OK, I mostly find her fake and hugely overrated. Which as a gay man is practically a crime in most people's eyes. 😅

Sometimes we go on to revise our opinions and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we grow to respect a star more over time, other times we grow to gradually dislike them more.

What's at the forefront of our minds one week will be forgotten the next. Most of those who we've had a negative opinion of in the past we probably couldn't name even a few months later. This is just how culture works, especially in the age of the internet.

All of this is totally normal. One of the prices of fame is being under the scrutiny of millions of people. Some will love you, some will be indifferent, and some will hate you.

I doubt very much GG carries a grudge about a social media post from 4 years ago (an eternity in the entertainment business), whether it was from Rocco or not. DD certainly doesn't seem to. They've heard infinitely worse and moved on from it. Fans should too.

I think if we are going to have such ruthless purity tests about everyone who has ever said anything negative about GG and DD then we would have to also accept people holding every single thing GG and DD have said/done in the past against them, no matter how many years ago it happened.

As fans, I'm not sure that's a path we should want to go down. Both GG and DD have come under fire for things they said/did when they were younger, and antis love to dig through old posts and clips of them trying to find evidence they're horrible people.

Like I said before, this is mostly a solo theory that toxic solos like to obsess over. They make it their mission to viciously slander and attack anyone who they feel is a threat to GG, or so much as says anything less than totally fawning about him. They've actually gotten GG into hot water over that kind of behavior multiple times in the past, and I doubt they'll ever stop.

Keep in mind that it's in their interests to spin narratives of DD getting cozy with 'a sworn enemy' of GG. So these breathless tales of GQ and Rocco Liu being GG antis have an ulterior motive. They're a (very thinly) veiled attack on DD and on BXG.

EDIT: and I should add that this anti theory is also used by DD solos to attack GG, claiming that GQ hate GG because of all of the various shortcomings DD solos think GG has, and that the hatred is totally justified, etc. They use the fact that DD has had some high profile GQ moments as proof that DD is a bigger star, that he's more in demand, blah blah blah. It's same shit, different pile. Antis are antis, and will say anything to try to malign and destroy others, regardless of how false and horrible it is.

The best thing we can do is block and ignore (and report when appropriate). Swimming in toxic waste will mutate you into a toxic person over time. Save yourself, stay in your own lane and just enjoy GG and DD.

Edit: Because fans are continuing to push this conspiracy theory, I dug back into the topic and wrote about it more here.

[alittleofsomethingarts]

So, everyone, I got a story about this picture right here. I will include some pics from the process and there's even a moral at the end.

So the client approached me about it, I sketched it out, standard affair. It was supposed to be a gif image and I imagined her moving side to side while her sword glowed.

Mistake number one I did not plan out the side to side movements. This was the only rough I did before I started rendering it.

"Wow this is going to be so cool" I thought.

"This is going to be a piece of cake"

I wanted to animate it on Clip Studio Paint EX that I got this year specifically so I could do animation there.

I ended up drawing all the assets and I was happy with them. Side note, in pixelated animation it is better to use as little colors as possible, and I ended up having a lot more than 256 colors with the colored lineart here n stuff. That was my mistake number two. I really need to work on that.

I warmed my hands as the program was opening, ready to do some animation, only to come across a very unexpected problem.

In the end I have made a reddit post describing it, but you can basically see the results of it in this test animation

I spent an entire freaking day trying to figure out what to do with the blurring. It seems that it functions as intended, but it would be really nice if CSP didn't do this. I had to go back to photoshop to do the actual animation.

... I couldn't quite do the diagonal movement I wanted. Right, so I settled on this.

I drew like 3 movement frames for the white and blue cape and ended up not using it because it looked awful. And the sleeve movement is so wrong.

This is why you test these things, guys! In sketch phase!

So I made these static gifs, thinking this is probably over now and I did a good job.

Nope. Not even close.

My big brain missed one crucial detail in the initial sketching phase...

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG BEEFY GLOWING SWORD!

To be fair the initial glow was cool, the client didn't realize what I've been drawing. So we both missed it. Okay, fine. I decided to just redraw the glow, thankfully it didn't take long at all.

... Right we got another problem. How do I animate a sudden burst of energy coming from the sword?

... Oh no.

My head drew a blank.

I felt... I felt... Like a failure. I failed the client. I thought I could do this but it's not right.

I decided to slap a glowing effect and hide the burst under a white screen.

I couldn't imagine anything better.

Despair, utter despair.

In the end the version that looked the best was this one.

Feeling horrible, I decided to make a free quickie for the client to make up for my failures.

I poured my disappointment with myself and my ability to come up with cool animation into this little tiny owl that did nothing wrong. I gave her the most adorable but angry stare I could muster.

She's angry because she's short

... too short for this picture.

The client assured me that my work was fully acceptable from start to finish and that it's all great. That I shouldn't beat myself up.

But I usually get it all from the very beginning, you see. I typically don't do too much revisions. This kind of situation is not common. I wasn't able to see my clients needs and make the kind of gif that was needed from the beginning.

And I've been tipped extra for this picture too.

It's like the money I got was not quite worth the gif I ended up with.

I suppose it covered the extra useless work I did drawing the assets, but... I feel guilty, like I ripped off the client.

If I just needed to draw the static gif with some glow I could've made it cheaper.

Perhaps I undervalue myself and it costs more than I charged for it.

I don't know.

The moral of the story is DO TEST ANIMATIONS IN SKETCH PHASE. ALWAYS. FOR EVERYTHING.

I swear I got it the first time, why make this mistake so many years later? smh...

[nostalgicfortomorrow]

something I have to say about the percy jackson tv show. no, please don't turn away if you're a fan because I really like it too, I'm just pointing something out. I will probably get blocked for this but The lightning thief was never my favourite. I hardly ever revisit it. For me, the first book was... ok, and then everything else following sea of monsters starts just getting better and better. Rick is understandably trying to revise his mistakes, ie medusa's plotline which I find incredibly tragic and they're using more hints towards The Last Olympian like it's the holy grail (which it is).

What I'm trying to say is that the first season is where they're literally just finding their grip. For me personally it never carried the same amount of magic that the other books had so we need to give it time to grow. 4 pearls? now that we know that uncle rick is good at inserting angst, something terrible will probably happen. Summer solstice happened? stakes are higher, we see them actually panic and freak out. Early percabeth hints? Honestly from this pov it just seems like we see the seeds but it's more like dammit I didn't expect you to end up being one of my besties so they're acting a bit embaressed. Acting is a bit stale? They're kids. it's the first season. They need to test the waters first and see what's possible and what's not. If they hopefully greenlight a second season we can actually start exploring the more emotionally mature side of pjo because my incredibly foggy memory saw the lightning thief as more of a romp while the sea of monsters had more dangerous stakes. Every first season or debut anything makes mistakes. Even in the books, the first one mainly relies on nostalgia to hold it together.

ALSO WE ARE HINTING TOWARDS A LOT OF POSSIBILITIES GROVER COULD BE DOING. Yes, grover should have been playing the kill the humans game but at the same time the happiness on his blissful face as he almost finds pan shows us that he is meant for something greater. Yes, percabeth sticks together but in the end it's grover who finds himself with a higher calling and this could definitely be tlaked about hand in hand with climate change so grover definitely has more to do.

Episode 6 was definitely the weakest IMO but Episode 5 and 3 were my favourites.

And to those comments about character development, Annabeth is definitely growing and maturing. the guys don't actually really mature until book 2 or 3.

[slushiecookie]

oooh I was looking through your toyhouse and I saw 2 characters I really like lol!!! Red Devil and Cake Pop!!! I just have 2 questions about them lol

In Red Devils description it says they ran away at 13, but also says Cake Pop doesn't remember them despite the fact Cake Pops description says they are 19 lol, were they raised separately or did Cake Pop really forget their literal sibling after only a few years

also how does object rarity work? Are their parents like a lollipop and a cake and the norm is that objects directly inherit 1 parents type, making cakepops rare as they require the types to like mix, or are the childrens object types completly random? what makes 1 type rarer than the other?

I'm gonna be honest... I maaaayyy have made Red Devil's description as a rough draft and haven't since revised it ^^' So there are a few plot holes!

For Cake Pop not really remembering Red Devil: they didn't really get along as siblings and didn't hang out too much, as Cake Pop liked attention from others, and Red Devil wanted nothing to do with him. So, when Red Devil ran away, Cake Pop easily forgot as his parents also thought of Red Devil as the problem child, and like a mistake that they all wanted to forget; painting Red Devil as either not existing or a friend, not as Cake Pop's brother. <)

And as for the genetics: Usually, the route of children is a bit random. For example; Cherry (a cherry blossom tree) and Ace (an axe) had a crossbow as their child. Children are mostly (at least) in the same category as one of the parents, but can just be completely different if the objects aren't similar enough. Lollipops are one of the only few "species" (basically, they're not one-off objects) to exist in my world, which means that, instead of being random, a parent lollipop, no matter the partner, will probably have a lollipop child.

What makes an object rare is... a little bit complex. There's a lot of "one-off" objects, so it's not about how many there are necessarily, rather, it's about how they look, as looks matter greatly in this society. Lollipops are seen as pretty and attractive in the world, but are a bit overused because of it, so cakepops are a welcome change; baring similarity while being new. Cakepops are the result of a lollipop mixed with a cake, of course, and it requires luck as usually the child is either just a dessert or a lollipop.

I hope this explanation helped! And thank you so much for asking! <D I'm glad you liked my characters and I hope to show more content about them!

[paradoxcase]

Chapter 3 of Harrow the Ninth

So, we are back in third person. We are also back to backstory from before Gideon the Ninth. So the POV is time-based, maybe? Everything before Gideon is in third person? Or everything before Harrow is in third person? Or everything that's nominally about something that happened before Harrow removed Gideon and became half a Lyctor is in third person but it's all been rewritten after whatever it was to be about Ortus instead?

This doesn't have the broken ninth skull on it, but this isn't exactly a broken memory, either, it's just kind of a revised chronology

I think someone mentioned the great-aunts' creepy "nursery rhymes" before, but these aren't even like nursery rhymes, they're just made-up prayers to be recited exactly, over and over again. That's vile. But like, didn't Harrow say before that they didn't mention the two hundred children thing unless they were in the pool? Or maybe it doesn't count if it's not in plain language?

It's interesting that she didn't start having hallucinations until after she got into the tomb and saw the Body, and also a lot of her hallucinations seem to be about the Body. Maybe related? I mean, not related to Harrow's feeling about the Body, but to the fact that this tomb that was supposed to be kept shut forever and never entered was opened and entered. If the earlier Body hallucination was actually Gideon's ghost, maybe some of the other hallucinations were actually the ghost of whoever is in the tomb

Ok, I see why she wouldn't want to ask for help, but I think a lot of that might just be how she was conditioned growing up by the like hyper-religiousness of her family and the great-aunts' made-up prayers, and so forth. It probably would have been better for everyone if someone had helped her

"Falling in love the first time" implies that there was a second time. I wonder if we will ever get Harrow's perspective on the events of Gideon the Ninth with Gideon actually being present

Even aside from the fact that this is inaccurate because it features Ortus instead of Gideon, I don't think she messed up the process of becoming a Lyctor or did it halfway at the end of Gideon the Ninth. She seemed like a complete Lyctor then, and like she'd succeeded much better than Ianthe did by having a cavalier who gave herself up willingly. So, I guess this is a memory overwrite to account for whatever she did later to remove Gideon, since that seems to have been removed from her memory as well

Also curious about what mistake Harrow made when she was nine? She didn't open the tomb until she was ten, and I don't think she considers that to be a mistake, and I don't think she blames herself for the deaths of her parents. Did something specific happen when she was nine?

That's a great bit of doublethink

[hopetorun]

tagged by @bropunzeling and @postoperation 💕

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason.

first fic (on ao3): perspective, a star wars (legends) eu rarepair fic that i wrote for yuletide in 2011 that honestly was like pulling teeth at the time and i don’t think i’ve ever reread. i crossposted and then deleted some social network fic but i honestly don’t remember if i ever backdated any of it correctly anyway so this is probably the first one regardless since i got an ao3 specifically to participate in yuletide in 2011

last fic: make a better mistake, the brady/quinn home by now timestamp i put on here the other day. i don’t have much to say about this really except that it was fun to write out one of the bits of their backstory, which i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about

fic for a fandom/ship i only wrote once: don’t read the last page, broadchurch pornography i wrote in the year of someone’s lord 2021 after rewatching because my mom hadn’t seen it and wanted to. i wrote so much het porn in 2021 and yet i still can barely bring myself to write any of the common slang terms for vagina 💀

favorite fic in the fandom/ship with the most works: well in the summer of 2012 i was possessed by demons and wrote two then-avengers/now-mcu fics but i can’t say i like either of them. i guess i think this one is better, if pressed. honestly i don't feel a need to delete them but i am glad that no one ever seems to read them lol

fic i wish more people read: the sky is big enough, which i feel like i've said before! i really like how it came together but dropping 15k unannounced and unheralded on a medium-sized fandom and peacing out isn't exactly the best way to attract readers 😂 at least it exists for me to pretend is part of the game of thrones canon

fic you agonized over the most: this is kind of a toss-up. on the one hand, it took me the better part of six months to write preference, which clocks in at a not actually all that long 37k, because for mysterious reasons it was just a really slow story for me to pick through and i had to put a lot of thought into what i could do with each scene since the structure (which i imposed on myself btw. i made this problem) is so limiting. on the other hand the actual writing sessions for home by now were easy and productive but the story took ten whole entire months of my life, a major characterization revision just under halfway through, and a major pacing evening-out three quarters of the way through. both involved a lot of crying about whether the story was actually good.

fic that sprang fully formed from my mind without any effort: okay this is a throwback and also such a rarepair as in the only fic in the tag but years ago i wrote jt compher/his college teammate kevin lohan and it was just such an enjoyable story to write because i had a clear vision of the arc and it came together neatly and the non-linear structure meant i got to play with some fun juxtaposition. anyway: instructions for dancing

a story i'm proud of: this is not the end. was this a ridiculous thing to write in any year, much less the year 2020? sure. but write it i did, and it was the first novel-length story i ever successfully wrote, much less completed and edited and posted. and i think it's a nice story! proud of myself for getting over the long story hump and proud of myself for doing it while also doing graduate school. and proud of myself for finding something to do with my time so that my entire life didn't just become work and grad school in 2020.

[supermacaquecool]

My explanations about the concepts and choices I made for this fic lol https://archiveofourown.org/works/44695096

So, first off: I originally had a different idea for partners, it being a rewrite of sorts of the doppelganger partnermon in the sewers segment; I do find what is revealed about the kids there really interesting but the samey experience and explanatory script frustrated me. That had me thinking about the state of the relationship between the kids and their partners. Ultimately, I had ran out of time to write the level of detail I wanted for each scenario, so I compressed the idea and picked a single focus character.

Why Saki? I believe it's just bc I had just been talking about her a lot lol My entry for red spider lily featured her and Ryo, so I wanted to show their relationship evolving through more snippets for other prompts through the week (and so I did in the few ones I did write lol). In the Red Spider Lily one, I wrote Saki as a fairly strong and grounding pressence to the spiraling Ryo, so for Partners, the situation is a bit reversed lol

Saki's main woe is naturally the baggage surrounding her chronic illness; and I had been babbling about the significance behind her evo line, particularly in how it evidences her avoidance coping. Vegiemon itself could be interpreted to show her own "care mistakes" towards her own person. And it is Survive, we have a whole arc about a certain kid's extremely negative perception of his partner reflecting his own violent self loathing. I know the Blossomon quip about her still not being cute is meant to be an adv referential gag, but it's too consistent for me not run with it. I had to link her worries about appareance to her worries about her own body, so I went for a visceral, unflattering description of Vegiemon and an emphasis in its physical weakness as a way to hopefully parallel Saki's own discomfort with her own body (my penchant for writing emotions with physicality came really in handy to transition into unpleasant awareness of her own body and its limits.)

Another fragment I have to highlight is the opening lines:

"Saki doesn't mean to sound ungrateful nor mean, but… Of All Things, Why did Floramon have to turn into Vegiemon?!"

I remember the opening paragraph went through a lot of edits because I had to find a way to nail her voice. For all her subtleties, Saki has a really strong voice, she really comes across as an opinionated free spirit, so I had to look for the kind of wording that could match her energy, so I edited my sentence structure to be more conversational and casual and a lil more judgemental. I highlight the opening lines bc I didn't feel like I had a good grasp on her voice until I felt I nailed those, revising the rest of the text felt easier once I had them as it was a matter of matching them.

"Why had she changed like that, when Floramon is so cute?! Saki had turned around in case anyone said anything, but no one did. Granted, the other partners that had evolved had scary looks, so the others probably didn't think much of it. Still, Saki couldn't help but to feel Vegiemon looked out of place…"

I also thought this passage was a good way to sort of include her worries about her chronic illness alienating socially. When writing her interactions with others, I kept in mind her worries about being rejected/abandoned as the source of her keenness/reservations to speak. Having her first consultation about the meaning of each partner-human pair be with Haru and Miyuki was useful to kickstart her feelings of social inadequacy that pop in all the interactions lol But I also liked the scene I pictured between them, with the hard to understand yet palpable grief and pain both of them exude. Relying on small motion cues for Miyuki was also good to showcase Saki as observant.

Minoru and Miu's segment had the theme of "coolness". It was really good to write a strong sense of comraderie between them due their common sensibilities, as well to show the sense of safety they get from their partners having a bit of a different nuance: Minoru taking on a more thoughtless attitude of "our partners are so cool they can solve anything" and Miu of "I'm glad to know my dear friend is safe in this form". Ofc, Vegiemon is neither cool nor safe, so it was pretty easy to interseped Saki's negative thoughts in between. I had to be careful to make it in stops and starts, since she's not the kind who really wants to dwells on her worries.

Ryo and Aoi were all about reliability. Kunemon evolving showcases Ryos newfound confidence that allows him to act and hope for the best, thus being a new budding pillar for the group. He's still defensive about him doing his best, ofc. Aoi values Labramon's aggression and power bc it allows her to be assertive and reliable, so Saki's description of Dobermon and Aoi's wording reflect that. This theme felt like a good place to bring to a head Saki's worries about being a burden/not being able to accomplish the tasks she wants since she's facing two ppl whose actions tangibly and intentionally support the whole group. And also, the aforementioned reversal of roles for Ryo and Saki.

Characters I excluded:

-Takuma's relationship with agumon is generally very stable, and his observant and soothing pressence would likely make me stop on an interaction with him to resolve the conflict. Since I wanted to keep the theme of avoidance and indirectness running, he'd just ruin it 😂

-Kaito: I didn't want to pair him with Miu, and Minoru, Ryo and Aoi I had already paired, so he got dumped with Takuma to get nixed 😂 Aside from that, the contrast of base form vs aggressive, edgy adult stage comes way stronger with Labramon than with Dracmon-Sangloupmon. Them filling similar niches meant Kaito really needed not to appear (plus, there's nothing surprising about his partner being aggressive).

-Shuuji: Cautionary tale about the worst behavior Saki could sink to. She wouldn't approach him lol

The ending: I had to explain where Floramon had been and bring a small sense of closure to Saki's partnership with her, so Floramons undying support in the form of foraging was cute and serviceable enough.

Other things: I had been researched emergency rations in Japan, so I took great pleasure including a line about canned bread tasting like cardboard.

This whole paragraph was just really amusing to me:

He shows her his phone screen, where there's a drawing of Goku riding a dinosaur. Saki lets out a small chuckle. It's so Minoru. Of course all there is to him is that Dyatrimon is cool. He’s such a kid.

Comparing Minoru to Goku, having her diss him for being simple minded, call him childish even tho he's older than her. All really really funny to me.

I really patted myself in the back for keeping the bug theme with a common idiom here lmfao

Ah, typical Ryo, always jumping on the defensive. Better not to swing at the wasp nest.

Writing Aoi be salty and admonish Ryo was also very funny to me. This is why she gets teased over being a nag 😂

Overall, I was very proud about being able to steer Saki's observations back to the theme of evos and her anxieties.

[whenyourbirdisbroken]

Hi! First of all, love your blog. Now, if it's ok to you I would like to ask about time travel fics recommendations. I'm new here and maybe I didn't see if you or someone else already answered this but then again, I pretty much love everything you recommend so it won't be a loss.

Anyways... Hope you have a great day!

(Btw, I apologise if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language)

Hi! Thank you so much! Your English is perfect! No, I've never rec'd time travel, so here you go!

On our way back home by Kathleenishereagain: I'm assuming that everyone has already read this one, as it's the most kudo'd and commented and bookmarked and everything fic in the fandom. It's a very compelling (and stressful) read!

Decisions and Revisions: This fic is orphaned and incomplete, so I probably shouldn't recommend it, but man I really enjoy it and there's 100k of it, so it might be worth your time if you're someone who can create your own ending!

i was a younger man then (now) (post hoc) by fingersfallingupwards: This is lovely, it's a Time Traveler's Wife AU, if you're familiar with that story, and it's very well done.

how much was mine to keep by mynamesbetty (waltwhitmans): This one is inspired by Slaughterhouse-Five and it's a great read, but beware the angst!

and somebody spoke and i went into a dream by clarinetta: I don't know if this is really a time travel fic, it is a Groundhog's Day AU, so I dunno, it's similar vibes? Very good and very sad; Paul reliving the day of John's death.

(I’ve Still Got) You All Over Me by @muzaktomyears: Everything by this author is a joy and this is no exception!

well, how did I get here? by @theoldmixer: This is a work in progress, but it's updating regularly :) A 13 Going On 30 AU -- John goes to sleep in Hamburg and wakes up in the 70s and doesn't know what happened. It's a lot of fun!

[broke-on-books]

May I ask about your beef with T.S. Elliott? I don't know much about him, but I'm curious as to your opinions on him.

Um well I don't like Eliot for many reasons (I wrote a whole blog post on this for school haha) so I'll try to make it quick but it really breaks down to three subjects for me

1. His personal life

2. His actual body of work

3. His reception and legacy

In terms of personal life, he of course really sucked, like (this is from memory so there may be mistakes) he institutionalized his wife and didn't visit her for a decade (and she died in the institution), he also was publically antisemitic, and very, very good friends (like besties) with Ezra Pound, the poet whose most famous poem is his 800 page lament on the fall of Mussolini and spent all of wwii betraying his country and making + promoting axis propaganda, so that's just like a whole can of worms there to unpack.

With his like actual work stuff, this is probably where I give him the most leeway bc he has a few lines that genuinely go really fucking hard. Like there are some lines where I 100% understand why he is a behemoth in the world of poetry. Like "this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper" and "do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decision and revisions which a minute can reverse" and "I will show you fear in a handful of dust" all go so hard. They do. This is true. But the rest of his work is just really nonsensical to me (and I've read his most famous pieces many times) and requires heavy academic investment to try and understand. I'm talking like intense knowledge of classical and medieval works, at least 3 languages besides English, etc.

Like there's more deciphering involved than actual poetry (I think in the book for the Waste Land there literally is more end notes than poem. And that poem is Long). And like this feeds into the third point I have which is the reception of his stuff and how I hate that T S Eliot is put up as like "total genius, greatest of all time, PINNACLE of poetry" by some people. Because I very think it starts falling into an elitist attitude of "getting" Eliot and seeing like deciphering these pieces as some sort of accomplishment on its own in a way that doesn't feel genuine to me.

Like there's just something off there about the vibes to me. That for some people they care more abt "understanding" Eliot then engaging w the themes of the poems themselves and then just brag about reading Eliot a lot (and likely Pound too and much of the imagist movement) in a way that again I just don't like.

And I think doing this and lifting Eliot up so high when his poetry is in the style it is actually hurt poetry a bit as an art form because like. It is what poetry haters accuse poetry of being like it's inaccessible, complicated, hard to read, and people get snobby about it. And I think people see that and get the wrong idea or confirm wrong ideas they had about poetry as a whole from his work which breaks me heart.

TLDR Eliot has a couple lines I think are absolute fire, but I dislike most of work. I don't like the imprint him and his reputation have had in regard to poetry, and I think he was a horrible human being.

& Every once and a while I'll read some of his more popular poems to check that they're still bad and pay a visit to the one line I like hidden within 60 bad ones

[galactic-pirates]

Writing asks: 11, 22, and 31, please!

Thank you so much for the ask!!

11) Three tropes that are fine but overrated Hmm this is a hard question because first the instant anyone asks me to name things like tropes - head empty, no thoughts. Total brain fail. Second, I don't know, I don't like to judge things. This is how I wound up writing Time Will Tell (Sanctuary Soulmates fic) because I never liked the Soulmates trope. So I challenged myself to see if I could write a version I liked and I did.

If a trope is 'overrated' is that less the problem of the trope, and more just the versions being read? Not everything can be to everyone's taste. One person's absolute favourite fic, can be somebody else's 'backspace, run far away', or just 'meh'.

I've been enjoying rambling about the romance tropes that purlturtle picked for the bracket lately. There are some there, that just are not my thing at all. Does that make them overrated? It means they aren't for me.

I'm sorry this doesn't really answer the question but it's the only answer I feel like I have.

22) What is it about watching the same two idiots falling in love over and over again? I touched on this actually in one of my recent rambles on the bracket. I think I was talking about soulmates and fate, and saying that I didn't like it because love is a choice, and it takes work. Thank Eve Baird for saying that real love is hard and that's how you know it's real. But I do love those two quotes about (paraphrased) "no matter the universe I would find you, and choose you" and "I hope in every world there's an us" and it's sort of like that with the infinite ways the OTP can be together. It's transcendent. It's like that multi-verse spanning love in action. Sort of 'proving' how right they are for each other because they just fit. It doesn't matter if it's canon or AU, canon-divergent etc. Some things are just meant to be.

In other words it's comforting. Bringing order to the chaos of the universe. Saying that in this corner all is well because these two (or three) idiots have each other.

31) What was the most difficult fic for you to write (but in the end you made it)? I think I have a "kill it with fire", it's awful, it's unfixable, I can't do this, I'm fed up, I don't want to, I hate it etc. moment with most fics - or at least the longer ones. Although short fics can be buggers as well, especially if they have to be short for some reason. I loathe word limits with the fire of a thousand suns.

I don't know if I can really say that any particular fic was harder than any other. I would probably say that when I was struggling with it, but after? when it's done? The pain is temporary and it's hard to remember after. Each fic brings it's own challenges. Besides if anything was truly too much then it wouldn't qualify for the 'in the end I made it' because I didn't. My abandoned Librarians fic in the structure of the Rashoman Job (from Leverage) attests to this.

(as I'm not sure that I really answered a couple of these I'll tack on another for you)

25) Is writing the whole thing beforehand better or worse than writing it as you go? It is better because there's no risk of writing myself into a corner, and then having to abandon the fic. If I make a mistake I can go back and revise etc. I can post with absolute confidence as I know it's complete. Plus if something goes wrong then it can just live on my HD indefinitely and I can switch to a different project. It's very freeing. Would 110% recommend (I wrote all my fanfics like this from 2020 onwards).

BUT there is something to be said for a live audience. Back in the day when I first joined tumblr/AO3 and I was writing for Rumbelle, I wrote everything 'live'. I don't know if it was the fandom, the time, or what but I got a lot more engagement. There was more community and that was nice. Writing is lonely and what I miss more than anything is being able to talk to someone about my WIP, them being enthusiastic and sort of bouncing off each other. Never posting a WIP means there is zero possibility of that ever which is sad.

Still I would recommend writing it all out first. I feel like it makes for a more coherent story but that's the novelist in me.