#I did an adhd exam two years ago

[galacticwildfire]

If anyone has tips for executive dysfunction send them through. Please. I’m desperate with a two day overdue assignment.

I want to do a masters someday but getting through my bachelor’s has been absolute hell.

[roaringroa]

oficially diagnosed with adhd babeyyyyyyy

[cosmicalily]

"to be loved is to be remembered" - a mini series by @cosmicalily. view series masterlist, and outline here

4. episodic memory | hwang hyunjin x fem!reader

episodic memory: a type of explicit memory that is categorised as the collection of personal experiences that occurred at particular times and places.

author's note: eeee and the series is finished!! suprisingly quicker than i expected! simply finishing a series is a big accomplishment for my adhd brain so i'm pretty proud of myself :) and having artsy hyune as the final piece after my art exam (my last exam of the year!) feels like a perfect fit. enjoy!

warnings: pregnancy (giggles mischievously)

Your room was a gallery, a time capsule of yours and Hyunjin’s love story. A collection of events, both big and small, some from the very moment, others recalled years on. Pictures from a photobooth, taken after your third date, pinned alongside a beautiful oil painting of the flowers he had bought for you on your one year anniversary. In his sketchbook, Hyunjin carried his immediate thoughts and ideas, his sensory and short term memory. A rough drawing of a handmade coffee cup he caught you admiring at a market, a sketch of an old couple that brought him anticipatory nostalgia, and many, many illustrations of you, his muse, his lover.

Whilst Hyunjin worked with a range of mediums on paper and canvas, often blending a mix into one piece, you preferred to work with ceramics. Sculptures and dishes and cups were scattered around your house, some decorational, others used on a daily basis. He loved to paint your pieces, and often your pieces became a blend of each other, something so beautiful and unique that neither of you could have created alone.

It was a warm morning in the small studio the two of you rented together. Currently, the two of you shared a two-bedroom apartment with Hyunjin’s friend, Felix, and his girlfriend, originally in order to save for a separate studio space. It was important that your home was a place for resting, and that you had an alternate space for creating. You had set it up with your kiln, a miracle secondhand market find, and Hyunjin’s easels. Whilst the studio you’d ended up choosing wasn’t as spacious as other places you’d visited, it had huge floor-to-ceiling windows that flooded the space in sunlight.

Each piece you created, whether together or on separate ends of the room, was a tangible memory of an experience you shared. Something you could look at on the wall or hold in the palm of your hand, a trigger to release a vivid recollection of a moment in your life. 

Today, you worked on a set of plates. The two of you were currently saving for your first home together, after five years of dating and three of living with your friends. You wanted to make whatever place you’d be calling home in the next year or so time as personalised as it could be. Hyunjin, sitting on a chair by your clay-coated desk, dipped his fine tipped brush into a pale pink glaze, painting a cherry tree on a vase you’d fired a few days ago. You warmed the clay in your hands, dampening and smoothing and cutting as you felt the need for it, whilst Hyunjin did the same, alternating and mixing colours as the picture developed.

“You look pretty when you’re doing your thing,” you said suddenly, realising you’d been staring at your boyfriend, unbeknown to him, for a good five minutes. The clay had begun to dry on your hands, so you dipped them in the jar beside you, smoothing out the cracks. 

“So do you, baby,” Hyunjin replied, his face creasing into a smile. The freckle below his lower lashes disappeared as his eyes crinkled into crescent moons, glittering in the bright sunlight.

He reached out for your hand, not caring that it was white with clay, and squeezed your fingers, painting one handed the way he usually did when you were with him. You sculpted one handed too, although this was a little more difficult on your part, and eventually you had to let go to place your plates in your kiln, along with the pieces Hyunjin had finished glazing.

The two of you washed your hands and sat down by the windows, drinking the loose leaf chai Hyunjin kept by a small electric kettle in the studio. Using one of your handmade teapots, he poured the tea and handed you a mug. You sat together, backs against the sun warmed glass of the windows, his arm around your shoulder, your head nestled in his neck.

“We’re going to make that home our nest,” Hyunjin murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

“We aren’t even halfway saved for it yet,” you giggled, but indulged his fantasy nonetheless. “I want our bedroom walls to be green, dark green. Apparently it’s the most calming colour.”

Hyunjin nodded thoughtfully. “I heard that too. And I’ll paint the tiles for our bathroom; we need an actual bath, one of those pretty claw-foot ones.”

“I’ll make the tiles,” you offered, and he smiled at you, kissing the tip of your nose.

You sat together, soft jazz playing in the background, bodies against each other. The room was warm with the heat of the kiln and the brightness of the afternoon sun, and you knew, you always had, that Hwang Hyunjin, although he wasn’t your first, would be your last love.

“Can I draw something?” You asked, your head resting against Hyunjin’s thigh as he worked on a painting. You hadn’t been feeling well recently, so rather than work on your ceramics, you would sit with Hyunjin and watch him paint. He’d even put away his oils for the time being as he knew they triggered your nausea, and had begun experimenting with watercolours again.

“Of course, baby, my sketchbook’s on the floor,” Hyunjin replied, one hand slotted in your hair, gently massaging your scalp, the other holding his paintbrush.

You pulled a pencil from your bun, something you never recalled placing there, but always happened to be present, and began to sketch. You drew the white walls of the studio, sketched the shadows on the hardwood floor, and drew your boyfriend, his eyes focused, plump lips slightly open.

It was comforting, sketching. You understood why he loved to do it so much. It took your mind off the dull headache that hummed behind your eyebrows and the waves of tension in your stomach. You leaned closer into Hyunjin’s touch as you drew, adding small details and blending shadows with your fingers, until you felt it was complete.

“What did you draw, pretty girl?” Hyunjin asked, setting his paintbrush down and shifting his canvas to the drying rack in the corner. He sat down on the floor beside you and pulled you into an embrace, kissing your forehead gently. Although you felt far from pretty, your curls escaping your bun and your eyebags more prominent than usual due to a lack of sleep, you didn’t fight back, because you knew he wasn’t talking about your appearance. He always saw deeper than that.

“It’s the studio,” you replied, showing him the page.

“What’s the meaning behind it?” He asked, the way he always did.

“It’s the place where I first told you I was pregnant,” you whispered, your eyes glassy.

Hyunjin paused, not understanding. “But this sketch was right now, wasn’t it? Those are the clothes I’m still wearing.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God,” Hyunjin turned to you, eyes wide and sparkling. “Oh my God, are you having our baby?”

You nodded, and a tear trickled down your cheek and onto your lip. He wiped it tenderly with the soft flesh of his thumb, and you kissed his finger, not caring that it tasted of paint. “I took a test a few days ago when I was still feeling crap after a week. I realised I hadn’t gotten my period in a while either. I was really, really scared at first. Because we only just moved into our own place and there’s still so much to furnish and plan-”

“It’s okay, baby, it’s going to be okay,” Hyunjin interrupted you, stroking your warm cheeks. He tucked your bangs behind your ear and nodded at you slowly. “We’ll be okay. If you’re happy about it, I’m happy. If you're not, I'm not, and we can do something about it. I trust you and your body. Yes, it’s unplanned, but for fuck’s sake, we’re artists, do we ever plan anything properly?”

“No,” you giggled. “And I am happy. Really happy. After the shock settled down, I was flooded with this insane joy, because there’s nobody else I’d want to do this with other than you. Truly.”

Hyunjin’s eyes watered. “I’m happy. Incredibly happy. Can I paint on your belly when it grows?”

“Of course you can. They’re going to be the most creative little angel, I already know it,” You smiled, resting a hand on your stomach. Hyunjin moved his hand on top of yours, linking your fingers.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for not noticing I hurt my friend's feelings?

I (24F) had a somewhat close friend (24F) whom I've known since highschool but only got closer to recently. I've had a friend crush on her forever and apparently she did too. We share a lot of interests and we're both neurodivergent (I'm diagnosed with adhd, and we're almost certain she has autism). We also sort of bonded over a shared trauma -- basically we got two-timed several years ago by a really abusive asshole.

Anyway something happened a couple of months ago and I feel our friendship has gone downhill since then. It was multiple occasions really: what would happen is that I would say something impulsively, and she would misinterpret it and get sensitive about it, we talk it out, I apologize, and we move on. But one time it was a bit too much that i burst into tears while texting her because I felt I really hurt her and I felt that all my friendships will go downhill because whenever I get comfortable with someone I just completely lose my filter and end up hurting them. What happened that day was that we were hanging out and a guy apparently told her something sexist but I didn't hear him. She came to me to complain and I sort of brushed it off because from the way she said it happened it just seemed he was vaguely pointing out something but I later understood that I was just wrong. Then her dress had a tiny hole which I pointed out to her in front of my boyfriend rather impulsively and she got really upset about that. Later on I was telling her about a book I'd read that had great autism representation that didn't have the character just be -- and here I did the dinosaur arms thing (no offense whatsoever to people who do that; I know full well it's a common thing, I was just saying the character had more to him than just that). The problem is that she didn't hear the part where I was talking about a book character because we were changing tables in a crowded cafe and I was just talking non-stop because that's what I do and she thought I just did the dinosaur arms out of nowhere and got offended but didn't say so except over text later and just looked unwell for the rest of the next half hour before she suddenly excused herself and left. That day she texted me about all of these things and we talked it out and I pretended that I was not literally having a meltdown all while apologizing (but not before I tried to plead my case a bit). This all happened on the same day, but before that there were other occasions too. One time she would be talking about something, then I change the subject, then she'd say I know you didn't mean to but I wanted you to give a reply to what I just said. Another time we had a particularly bad exam which I did okay on, but she was telling about how she botched it. I couldn't tell from her face how serious it was and I gave her what i thought was a sympathetic smile (which she later told me was a weird smile) because I really didn't know what to say and then turned away to look for my boyfriend to check on him as well. She told me that day that she felt that I brushed her off when she was having a difficult time and didn't console her enough.

It's just multiple things that made me feel that I need to be more on guard around her for her sake. She moved to another city recently and even before that we were texting less and less. I even asked her if she was upset about the cafe day and she said no since I apologized and we talked it out, but I could feel something in our relationship changed. It just felt like such a shame because I felt a great connection between us and I have massive difficulties when it comes to making friends. She was sort of my last friend that I felt close to aside from my boyfriend, and now I can't help thinking that the problem has always been me.

Sorry if the post was too long and sorry for the sob story lol

[alexsoenomel]

Take Me Back To Eden (Joel Miller x f!Reader smut/fluff/angst?)

Summary: “Let me know if you ever come back to Austin,” – was the last thing he told you, and after losing your parents in a car accident you did just that.

Pairing: Joel x f!Reader

Warnings: oh boy here we go: 18+ MINORS DNI, big ol' age gap (Reader is 27 andJoel is 50), mentions of death, grief, if you squint reader has ADHD, unhappy relationship, oral female and male receiving, dick in vagina and all that jazz, pet names like darlin' and baby and I think that's all...

Word count: 9.3k

Note: So, I was sad and had a really hard time coping with life during my exams. So instead of going outside or studying I created this.

Song: Take Me Back to Eden by Sleep Token

Like/ reblog or both if you like it :)

Everything was going in your favor. You graduated from Austin Community College with honors, found a job as an assistant in a law firm, and had a man by your side – everything by the book. You were renting a small loft in The Big Apple, planning your future – you were enjoying life. 

It wasn’t until you got a call from an unknown number. It wasn’t until you answered with a hallo that your life flipped upside down. Your parents – your support, your guardians – got into a fatal car accident when a reckless driver crashed into them, and your dad lost control of the wheel. The car ended up crashing into a tree and both of them died in a matter of minutes. Someone stopped the time that day. Nothing seemed to be real anymore. You were in haze and not the purple one.  It was the weekend, Saturday or Sunday, you had no clue, you only knew it was the day both you and your boyfriend were off; sitting in the comfort of your home having a Lord of the Rings marathon. The scream you let out that day, you didn't remember – your boyfriend did and he thought it was gut-wrenching. The immense grief taking over your body that day took a toll on your body. Your heart was hurting, your head was pulsating and your stomach was starving but your mouth refused to accept food. 

Your boyfriend tried to be there for you, to talk to you, even though no words could subside the loss you felt, he tried to hug you, but you refused to be touched and so two days after you got the devastating news, your relationship fell apart. You were fighting too much. He seemed deaf; you were trying to tell him that you needed solitude and he seemed to be wearing headphones. 

On the third day, he packed his bags and on the fourth he left to stay with a friend. He kissed you on the forehead and told you; you were going to work this out, but you knew it was over. It wasn't like the love you read in the books; it was boring and uneventful. You felt like something was missing. Boy meets girl, they date, fall in love, start living together and then marry. When you found the damn ring in his underwear drawer your heart sank – you knew you weren't ready for that; you didn't want that. The loss made you snap and you ended it.

You were left in an empty space, lying on the bed, trying to see the point of this life you lived. You didn't see it that day.

On the fifth day, you finally got the strength to book a one-way ticket to Austin. Your aunt from your dad's side called you to discuss funeral arrangements and your heart sank even lower thinking about burying both of your parents. This all seemed like a fever dream.

On the sixth day, you packed everything you could in one suitcase and left New York. You decided to take some time off aka got fired, since you didn't bother to show up for work, and grieve. The good thing was you had some savings in your bank account since you and now ex were talking about buying a home – or at least he was.

Thank God that ain't happening. 

You thought and closed the door, heading to the airport. 

***

You haven't been back home ever since you graduated college five years ago. Your parents would always come to New York since they both loved the city and as your mom used to say Christmas in New York City was always a fairytale.

Austin was a lot different than New York City– hot and humid, quieter, and not so chaotic. Your aunt was waiting for you at the airport with open arms and for the first time in six days, you felt like you needed it. You accepted her warm hug and as soon as you placed your chin on her shoulder you cried and cried and cried…

"It's okay. Let it out." You heard her say as she tried to squeeze the pain away with a tight hug. 

***

The funeral was painful. Your parents were good, hard-working people, loved by many so a lot of people came to pay their respects. You shook hands with people and listen to the same two sentences over and over again wanting to jump out of your skin:

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My condolences. 

Your parents were supposed to be here. It was too early. 

Tears just kept coming and thank God your aunt gave you a big pair of black sunglasses to hide your swollen face. 

"Your folks were good people," you heard a man say as he shook your hand. By the accent you knew he was a local. And by the sound of his voice you knew you knew him.

You looked up to see a familiar face. Joel Miller – the man across the street from the house you grew up in.

Your voice was mute as you shook his hand, not being able to look at him anymore.

****

After they were laid to rest it hit you; you couldn't just rot away in your own grief, instead you had to try and live your "new normal" – whatever that meant. You told your family you needed some alone time. Your uncle offered to stay with you in the house but you declined, saying you needed to grieve in private. 

"But I don't want you alone in that house," he told you. That man was always so sweet and caring. Since he didn't have kids of his own; you were the daughter he never had. 

Mom has a great big brother.

"You remember when that boy broke up with me when I was 16 sayin' he's too embarrassed to go outside with me?" You asked him, wiping your tears from your right cheek. "And I didn't leave my room for two days?"

"I remember that bastard," he said, almost angrily. 

"I'll be okay. I need some time alone."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure," you said and kissed his cheek. "I'll call you if I need company, okay?"

"Okay."

***

The house felt hollow and eerie as soon as you turned the key and stepped in. The air wasn't stale yet and the TV was off which was a rarity since your dad loved watching the news, while your mom loved sitting next to him reading a good romance novel. The house was spotless, with no dust in sight, since your mom enjoyed cleaning and listening to music every weekend. She loved the smell of a clean and polished home. You couldn't bring yourself to go to their room, a lump in your throat formed when you stood in front of their bedroom door. 

You grew up in that house, you had many memories engraved in the walls and wooden furniture there. Your heart would ache every time you would see a small scratch or a stain on your walls.  Those were all the memories of your happy and innocent childhood the house kept and refused to let go of. From food stains to scratches from tossing toys whenever you had a temper tantrum…Your father refused to repaint the house, saying even though you were at times an insufferable kid, those years were the best years of his life. You haven't set foot in that house for five years but it was still a place you would call home. Family photos all over the walls, cherished moments captured with your dad's camera throughout the years…your home.

The first day in that house you spend on the couch watching a movie on dad's TV. Your fingers felt heavy as you pressed the button on the remote. There was a blanket right next to you; your mom's blue blanket she would use to cover herself on a cold winter's day while getting lost in her book. Even though it was June and burning hot; your body was cold. Your soul was too sad to warm you up; you had to use your mom's blanket. It still smelled like her; a mixture of lavender – her favorite detergent and vanilla – her favorite perfume. Inhaling that smell was almost painful but it brought a wave of comfort. She was still in the house. 

You didn't eat that day after the funeral; instead, you fell asleep with the TV on. 

The second day seemed a lot better. You went to buy some groceries, made yourself a nice breakfast of sunny side-up eggs and bacon, and went to see the state of your backyard. It was freshly cut and green like always. Your dad liked taking care of the yard and making sure the grass was evenly cut and watered. 

I miss you. 

It wasn't until lunchtime that you started crying again when you glanced at the picture on your living room wall of your parents smiling with birthday caps on having a toast with Joel. You remembered that picture because you took it. It was your dad's birthday and he decided to have a BBQ in his beloved backyard. 

You were sitting on the floor, looking at the picture in your hands as a sharp pain went through your chest, tears falling uncontrollably.

Why them?

Only when you noticed how grumpy and ridiculous Joel looked with his cap on a small chuckle escaped your lips.

Joel Miller.

Your favorite neighbor and guitar teacher during your college days. Every weekend you would look forward to spending some time with Mr. Miller while learning the magic of an acoustic guitar. It had been your dream to learn how to play and since your dad loved you with all his heart, he wanted to make that happen for you, so he asked Joel. Joel enjoyed teaching you, especially since you knew a lot about "old people's music" as he would call it.

Soon after you saved up and bought your very first acoustic guitar and started practicing almost every day after classes.

Once you moved to New York, you stopped playing. That city tended to either inspire or destroy someone's creativity and in your case, it completely killed the love you had for playing. Once you started working the guitar only collected dust in your little loft. You didn't have an answer why it just did…

******

Five years ago.

"Why New York?" He asked you after you finished your last guitar session. Well, it wasn't a guitar lesson, since you now knew how to play, you spent that day practicing Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple on his porch.

"I don't like living here."

"Why?" 

"Too hot and too many conservatives."

Joel chuckled at your comment. "I agree with ya on that one darlin' but why New York City?" 

"I always wanted to go there. Never got a chance," you blushed, giving him a short answer.

Darlin' – you always loved when he called you that.

“Are you plannin' on comin’ back?”

“Hmmm, not really.” If only you knew…

"Well, let me know if you do come back. We can catch up and play together again."

"Will do, Joel."

He was dreamy. A man of few words and ridiculously handsome. Your little crush –Joel Miller the guitar teacher.

****

Your eyes were puffy and red from crying. You didn't even realize you were hugging the framed picture like your life depended on it. 

Numb. Numb was the feeling. 

This is not fair.

***

The next day you remembered what Joel told you – to let him know when you're back. He saw you at the funeral but it wasn't the appropriate time to catch up obviously. 

It was the first time since you landed you had three meals. For breakfast, a sandwich, for lunch noodles and you were about to have ice cream for dinner because you were craving something cold on a hot summer evening. You were doing somewhat okay, you cried once, under the shower that you used the first time on that particular day. As you were eating ice cream, Joel's words lingered in your mind again.

As much as you loved solitude, you were starting to crave company again. Your own thoughts were starting to suffocate you. 

Your family was great, on both sides, but you knew they would only feel sorry for you and tried their best to make you feel better; which wasn't possible. You just wanted to talk to someone and maybe have a drink or two.

You picked up your phone only to see 10 unread messages and 5 missed calls from your ex. You didn't even bother to open the texts, instead, you found Joel's number under the name Mr.Handsome and started typing…

Hey, I know it’s been like 5 years but you told me to let you know if I ever come back to Austin. The circumstances are shit but I figured to let you know I’ll be here for a while. And thank you for coming to the funeral, Joel. 

After a minute your screen lit up.

Your folks were great people like I told you. How you holdin up?

Better than few days ago. I took a shower today. Yay!

That's somethin. I figured you wanted to be alone after the I'm sorrys and condolences. 

You both dealt with your shit in private. He knew that since your dad would always tell him how you didn't want to talk to him every time you were dealing with something. Joel would just tell him to leave you be, since he was also the same and his daughter Sarah was just like him but only less intimidating.

Do you wanna come over to catch up? Human interaction seems nice today and I have alcohol.

For some odd reason, you felt a strange sensation in the bottom of your stomach. Nervousness? Why? 

I'm still at work. I can come after 10? 

Sure. You in the mood for whiskey after work? My father has a nice bottle he refused to open. 

Always in the mood for whiskey.

Perfect. See ya later!

He came at around 10:30 pm. When you opened the door you were greeted by a tall man in a green flannel, with soft brown eyes looking at you. Mr. Handsome. Your heart started racing but you ignored it.

"Hey!" You said and let him in. "Long time no see!"

"Long time no see!" 

Once he stepped into the light of your living room, you noticed his hair filled with even more grays than you remembered five years ago.

You wondered if it was once black like charcoal. His beard was also lighter and grayer.

He was still handsome, maybe even too handsome now. 

You went to the kitchen to get your dad’s prized possession, it was still sitting in the same spot in the pantry on the top shelf, collecting dust. Hillrock Solera Aged Bourbon Whiskey – a mouthful.

“How do you take your poison?” You asked as you put two glasses on the kitchen counter. Joel sat right in front of you. 

“Neat.” He said. 

His was neat and yours was with rocks. You made a toast in silence and took your first sips. It was strong but smooth and tasted like it took a small fortune out of your dad's wallet. It burned your throat but in a way no drink has ever done – it was a pleasant rich burn. 

“Why he didn’t wanna open it? It’s a good fuckin’ whiskey.” Joel asked you looking at the liquid gold. 

“He wanted to open it on my wedding day.”

“I’m guessin’ there’s no wedding.” 

“Not a fuckin’ chance.” You laughed. “I never told him I don’t wanna get married.” 

You were craving interaction but didn’t know what to say, what to add. The silence in the air was pleasant, felt like a warm hug in his presence. He was enjoying it just as much. 

“So Joel…” – you said finally – “What happened in your life during these past five years?” 

He finished his first glass and you immediately poured another one. 

“Same ol’ same ol’. Still working as a contractor.”

“How’s Sarah?” 

“All grown up in college. Studying agriculture in Nebraska.” 

You remembered his daughter fondly. She loved to hang out with your family. Your cousins would always tell you how pretty and smart she was. She was like family. 

“They grow up so fast, I swear.” You said taking another sip. 

***

The night was passing by quicker than you expected. Time wasn’t suffocating you and for a few hours, life seemed normal. Joel told you about his bar adventures and how he managed to get kicked out of multiple bars in the last year alone because of his short fuse. 

“You don’t seem like the violent type though.”

“Oh trust me darlin’ I can be when a fuckin’ moron tries to start an argument over stupid shit.”

Darlin’

You haven’t heard that one in a long time. He turned back time for a few seconds, as old butterflies started creeping into your stomach. 

After two glasses you started feeling tipsy so you decided to continue your drinking endeavors in the living room on the couch. Joel was sitting right next to you watching you as you poured your third glass. “How’s your love life?” You asked, not thinking this one through. Joel's eyebrows frowned as he gave you a half smile.

“Doesn’t exist.”

He never liked talking about his love life and past relationships, hell, you have never seen him with a woman next to him holding her hand. It was hard to picture him with someone since he was always just Joel. After Sarah’s mom he never fully recovered – or that was what you thought. Your speculations were always off when it came to people but you liked to think he never truly had gotten over Sarah’s mom. 

Now you were sitting there, cheeks burning, alcohol running through you as you wanted to hear one question: “What about you?”

A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts, but your words were too shy to come out. You wanted to let him know you were single, a desire buried so deep you forgot you had it. 

“What about you?” He asked. YES!

“I broke up with my ex when I got the news.” You confessed. “ Their death just pulled the inevitable trigger, I guess.” 

 “Even though that sounds kinda poetic, why was there a trigger in the first place?”

You swallowed nervously before taking another sip of whiskey. You never said those words out loud, you never dared to admit to yourself what was happening behind closed doors. You wanted to do everything by the book; make your parents proud; only to suffer in silence as a result.

“I wasn’t happy.” You felt a sense of freedom saying those words. Freedom, freedom, freedom…

Joel gave you a look of understanding, his soft eyes fixed on yours, sharing this intimate moment with you. 

“If you ain’t happy then what’s the point?” 

“Exactly, and I was stupid enough to think it mattered to my parents even though they never pressured me into”– you raised your two fingers to make quotation marks – “doing everything by the book.” 

“What you mean…marriage?” 

“Yeah, and this law degree I have, this job back in New York which I don't have anymore…I don't want that.” You confessed, putting your soul back together. Verbalizing it was validating and therapeutic. Joel just sat in silence and listened carefully knowing exactly what you were talking about. He was in the same boat once, lost and stuck in one place right before Sarah was born. He realized he needed to get his shit together – for her and his family. 

“What do you wanna do?” He asked genuinely curious. 

“I wanna play again and make music.” 

He wasn’t expecting that kind of answer. He always thought playing guitar was a hobby of yours nothing else. 

“I wanna paint, write and just…create.” You added.

“Old artistic soul you are.” He smiled, remembering the good days; your lessons. He thought you were gifted – a rock star – but you refused to believe it. When you learned the basics of the guitar you started experimenting, playing with melodies, and writing songs. Joel would play them. He liked your songs. 

 “I can tell you darlin’ one thing I know is your parents were proud of you and no matter what you do now they will be proud.” 

Your eyes started watering, but you refused to let the tears roll down your cheeks. You chugged the rest of your whiskey down like water. 

“I just wish they were here.” You leaned in, resting your head against Joel’s shoulder. He smelled like pine trees and something you couldn’t put a finger on it – something that made Joel, Joel. It had a calming effect on you.

“I know. I miss them too.” He said. Joel did miss them. They were his favorite neighbors, not forcefully kind or pretentious Bible folks – just normal kind of people. He loved spending time with your dad playing poker now and then and he certainly adored your mom’s signature pecan pie.

Alcohol was running through your veins as the sound of the clock was echoing throughout the house. 

“What time is it?” Joel asked you. 

“Mmmm, almost 1.” You slurred your words looking at your phone. 

“Do you want me to stay or are you okay sleepin’ here by yourself?” 

“You workin’ tomorrow?” You completely forgot it was Thursday. 

“Sadly. Have to get up at 7.” 

“Can you stay here for the night? I can take the couch, you go to my room. I can’t sleep there.” 

Joel placed a light kiss on your head and you were too intoxicated to notice it. Seeing you grieve the loss of your parents had a strange effect on him. It was almost like he could feel your pain, the same agonizing pain in his heart. “I will take the sofa.” 

He stood up leaving you starved for his touch and scent. You were drifting away when he pulled you back into reality. 

“Your back will hate you tomorrow though.” You said and wrapped yourself in your mother’s blanket. Joel pulled out the seat of the sofa making it into a small bed. 

“Or not.” You added when you realized someone finally fixed the pull-out sleeper chair you broke right before you left. 

“I fixed it for your old man a few weeks ago.” He said, adjusting the pillow before he laid down. He let out a sigh, feeling his body relax. “It’s brand new now.” 

No wonder your parents loved Joel so much. His exterior was tough, but under all the layers there was a heart made of gold. Even a simple thing like fixing the damn chair made your eyes tear up. 

“Thank you for fixing it for my dad, Joel.” 

“Your welcome darlin’” 

And with that you both drifted to sleep, leaving the whiskey bottle half empty. 

***

You woke up at around 8 am to an empty house and a pleasant smell in your nostrils. Your head was pounding, your mouth was dry as a dessert and you couldn’t sleep. You checked your phone only to see a text from Joel. 

I made you breakfast. Eggs and waffles since you only had that in the fridge. I figured you’d be too hungover to do anything, so EAT! 

He was right. You were indeed too hungover to do anything. 

On the kitchen counter, there was a plate waiting for you and a glass of orange juice. 

Thank you, my favorite guitar teacher :) 

You answered before your brain could complete your thought. 

And thank you for coming last night. I hope I didn’t suffocate you.

One thing you learned over the years was – people don’t give a shit. In the end, your problems are your own and no one else’s. He didn’t answer. Once you dove into your scrambled eggs you heard a bing. 

Darlin if you think this is a one time thing you’re mistaken. 

Again with the darlin’. Your heart started pumping faster as you stuffed your face with eggs. 

As you were thinking about how to answer, another message popped up. 

I told you to let me know when you’re back so we can catch up and play again. 

Another message. 

Well we missed the playing part last night.

He still remembered his own words from five years ago. You wanted to get back into playing, but by now you were rusty; you hadn’t touched your guitar in so long that you forgot how to hold it. 

You’d be disappointed. I haven’t played in ages, plus my guitar is back in New York. 

Darlin playin guitar is just like drivin a car. You aint forgetting that. You just have to remind your fingers how to move. 

You chuckled. His words made sense. Another message popped up in a matter of seconds. 

You can play my electric one. 

He never told you he had an electric guitar. He would always play the acoustic versions of his favorite rock songs. You decided why not. 

Okay, that’s goin’ to be a mess. I’m down. 

***

The rest of the day you spent in anticipation and nervousness. You tried to occupy your mind by doing simple tasks like going to the store, making lunch, and rummaging through your stuff in your room. You finally got the courage to go in, to see old family photos all over the room and old trophies and diplomas. You were an overachiever, a gifted kid your dad would call you, straight A student, a painter, a writer, and a spelling bee champion. Too bad once puberty knocked at your door that gifted kid became insecure, lost, and consumed with sadness. Once a gifted kid, now a miserable adult. You thought living by the book would make you happier, but it only made you hate life even more. 

You found your memory box under your bed and spent the majority of the day looking at old concert tickets, letters, and little Polaroids of old friends. You were too hyper-fixated on going down the memory lane; you didn't cry. The nostalgia this box brought  made your heart warm. Your room was a memory portal, pleasant and nostalgic, and you decided to take a nap in it. When your head hit the cold pillow your whole body sank into the mattress, and you drifted peacefully, with no thoughts in your mind and sorrow in your soul.

You woke up at around 7 pm. Someone was knocking on your door.

"Hey." You greeted Joel with a yawn, still not feeling 100% awake. You noticed his hair was slick back and wet, and he was wearing his signature jeans and a blue t-shirt. He probably took a shower back home. You swallowed the remaining spit in your mouth as you admired his looks. That man only looked better with age.

 In his hands, there were two guitars, his signature acoustic one and a baby blue Fender Stratocaster in the other. 

"Hey." 

Immediately he put the guitars on the couch and went straight into his backpack trying to find something. 

"There it is." He said and pulled out a small amplifier. 

"Joel, this guitar is fuckin' beautiful. You never told me you had an electric one." 

"Yeah well, when my band fell apart she went to the attic." 

You tilted your head wondering if you heard him right. "You had a band?"

Joel stopped mid-connecting the baby blue beauty to the amplifier and shook his head. "Long story." 

You started slow. You have never played an electric guitar so first Joel let you play with strings and feel the weight since an acoustic was a lot lighter than an electric one. 

"Like I told you, it's like drivin'." 

You took a deep breath, feeling your hands shake in anticipation. The anticipation being you waiting to fuck everything up. 

"I guess I forgot how to drive." You smiled awkwardly. 

Truth be told you forgot since in New York you don't need a car, but once Joel played one chord and told you to do the same your ears immediately perked up.

"That's G5." You said as your fingers touched the strings. The sound was strong and sharp, far different and powerful than the sound coming from Joel's guitar. 

"Another one." He said and played another chord.

"F5." You were correct. 

Joel's face lit up with excitement. The first time you saw him smiling for a straight minute. Every sound he played you guessed it. 

Soon enough you saw the pattern and recognized the melody.

"That’s…That’s Smoke on the water?"

"Unbelievable," he said, confirming your answer. " I’m convinced you have a perfect pitch because you darlin' are a natural." 

You felt your hands get sweaty and your fingers felt still and in pain – it was the same satisfying pain you felt in them after every lesson you had with Joel, only this time the pain was sharper because the strings were thicker. 

"Wanna find out?" You asked him. "Play me something and I'll try to follow you."

It felt good playing again. Walking on that road again was familiar and Joel was holding your hand guiding you all the way. 

He nodded and thought for a second before a familiar melody filled the room. It was Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin. Your favorite song. He took the inspiration from your old worn-out Zepp t-shirt you were wearing that day. It was your dad's. He gave you a few years ago when he realized he was too big to wear it. Both of you connected through that band and now Joel was playing one of their songs for you. 

The precision in which he moved his fingers, his silk back hair, his bottom lip between his teeth as he was trying to concentrate…Joel Miller was starting to occupy your mind more and more.

You shook your head and listened carefully. The chords were relatively simple. You played a couple before you eventually found them and slowly but surely you followed him. He was right, it was like driving. Your fingers remembered. 

"Good girl." You heard him say through the sound of both guitars creating heaven in the form of melodies. You smiled back at him, pretending like you didn't just feel your pussy get wet by his comment. You wondered if he was aware of it – his presence was intoxicating, addictive, you wondered if he was aware of his charm. 

"You're a fuckin' rockstar." He said and placed the guitar right next to him. He went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"No, I ain't." You denied, but he didn't register you.

"A rockstar with a perfect pitch." 

***

By the time you finished your jamming session, it was almost 9 pm. From Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and Queen you covered everything you used to play together. Your fingers were red and swollen – but your heart was full. Joel put the missing puzzle piece in you, making you realize playing wasn't just a hobby, it was a need and a means of survival. Art was the core of your whole being.

Why did I stop playing in the first place?

You decided to have a late-night dinner.

"Hope you like my shitty burgers. I'm a lousy cook so if you get food poisoning you have been warned." You shrugged your shoulders and went to the kitchen. You made them that day to not think about cooking tomorrow, not knowing he would come.

"I'm not sayin' no to burgers." He smiled softly.

As you were sitting in silence devouring the burgers that were actually quite good in Joel's words your mind went somewhere you didn't want. Your crush. Your undying crush that was Mr. Handsome. He was much older than you, a friend of your now-deceased parents, and yet you would still get butterflies after so many years. 

"Tell me the story about the band." You shook your butterflies away and let your mind focus on something else. 

"I told you it's a long one."

"Well, make it shorter." You sassed. 

You shared a look before simultaneously taking a bite of your burgers, grease slipping down your fingers. 

"After high school me and my buddies would play small gigs in local pubs. We were doin’ pretty good until we got into a fight and broke up. I punched the bassist." 

"Of course you did. A fight over what?" 

Joel rolled his eyes when he realized what he had to tell you. "They wanted to name the band Rock Bottom." 

He confessed as you choked on a piece of your burger. Thank God you swallowed the piece quickly enough because you started laughing, while Joel just stared at you trying not to roll his eyes again. 

“A rock band, Rock Bottom! That’s horrible, I love it!” 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

“But wait, why did you punch the bassist?”

“Ah, he fucked my ex.” He said almost too casually and you froze mid-bite. It was the first time he ever mentioned an ex/girlfriend. 

“That wasn’t the answer I expected.” 

***

After dinner, you both started craving alcohol. Since there was little to no whiskey left, you remembered your mom would always have a bottle of red wine in the house – for cooking and drinking purposes. Red wine was your poison and it opened many doors, setting you free and killing the remains of your shyness. Adrenaline was running through your veins when you poured your second glass, feeling your tongue untangling. You wanted to confess more with each sip. He seemed to be getting more and more handsome or you were just getting more and more intoxicated. For the past two days you weren't rotting away, you laughed, cried, ate and you remembered good moments in life. His laughter only made you laugh, his words made you listen, his music made you calm…

Your gaze was fixed on his perfect aquiline nose as he was telling you another story about his band or rather about the bassist that fucked his then girlfriend. You were drifting, wondering, fantasizing what it would be like to close the gap between you, to feel his warmth, to spend the night.

"And that's why I wanted to break his fuckin' jaw the second time."

You blinked a couple of times, praying to God you didn't visibly drift away. Another sip of wine went down your throat smoothly. 

"Darlin' are you okay?" 

Crap.

"Yeah I-" in a second God answered your prayers when you heard a bing from your phone. Your aunt and uncle have been checking up on you, regularly making sure you were alright so you assumed someone messaged in the family chat. You were wrong. It was your ex again. 

A quiet ugh left your lips followed by an eye roll before you locked your phone and put it on the table. 

"Everything okay?" Joel asked, glancing at your phone then back at you.

"Yeah. My ex and his I wanna talk bullshit." 

"Dude doesn't seem to get the memo, huh?" 

"Nope. I don't wanna talk to him. If I open my mouth he will probably cry or lose his mind. I'm doing him a favor."

Joel licked his bottom lip, not understanding what you just said.

"Care to explain more?" 

"You really wanna listen to me whine about my failed relationship?" 

"I'm all ears." 

He gave you permission and you told him everything. Something about this man screamed a safe haven for your aching soul. He was the comfort you needed. You told him the forbidden words. The love you wanted was the love your ex never knew how to give. His love was plain, boring like working 9 till 5. If he made a mistake he would buy you something, it he was tired he would forget to kiss you after coming home from work, if he was horny he would fuck you in the same position over and over. There was no depth, no fireworks. Your relationship looked like a marriage of two middle aged people that hated each other. He wasn't capable of satisfying you, neither emotionally, nor intellectually, nor sexually. The guy was as plain as white bread. When you got together with him, it felt right, because you didn't know him well, but after a year you already knew and when second year rolled around you wanted to jump out of your skin. 

Joel wasn't surprised by your words. He understood them, especially when he knew you during your college days. You were always hyper, desperately chasing that high; that dopamine boost, always getting hyper fixated on songs he would play you – you wouldn't stop practicing until you perfected the song – your brain was scattered back then in the same way as it was now. You were anything but boring. He liked that about you; your wild spirit perfectly aligned with his inner lone wolf. Later he realized, he wasn't much of a lone wolf after all when he was with you. Five long years without her… – he thought as the sweetness of wine hit his dry mouth. 

"Oh and he has a small dick," your mouth slipped. You were always as blunt as they come, but after alcohol – you were far worse. Joel choked on his last sip and chuckled. 

"How small?"  He asked genuinely curious. 

You lift up your right pinkie. "Add another half an inch." 

"Damn, poor dude." 

"No, Joel poor me," you said,putting your index finger on your chest. "It's not even the size, it's the fact that he was a selfish bastard and lasted two minutes."

You didn't know why you opened this particular can of worms. Joel seemed to be interested and listening, but was he truly? Your now drunk brain wanted to dive into something unknown and you did everything you could to stay in that lane and keep the conversation going. You wanted to know what he liked in the bed; you wanted him to verbalize it and then show you; especially since it was the truth – you haven't had good sex in AGES. At the same time another thought pierced your head like a bullet – was it wrong to be having these sinful thoughts in your deceased parent's house? Was it wrong to be crushing on a man who just turned 50? Were you just sad and wanting to replace sadness with a good orgasm? You didn't know and frankly you didn't care. This high was too good for you to stop chasing it – like a damn junkie. 

Joel licked his lips and devilishly smiled. He always liked hearing you vent. He thought you were adorable, getting all annoyed and frustrated and always losing yourself in your own thoughts – your mouth being faster than your brain. 

"Darlin', no wonder you weren't happy. Should have dumped his ass a long time ago."

"Stop callin' me that," you said, feeling yourself getting wet. Wine just enhanced everything you were feeling and Joel seemed to be getting hotter by the minute. "You always call me that and it's distracting." You added not wanting to sound rude.

"How so, darlin'?" He was a tease. You were his darlin' and ever since you stepped foot into his house, for your first guitar lesson, he would call you that and every time you would get distracted. 

"Ugh, Joel, don't make me embarrass myself now." You hid your face from him with your palm, feeling your cheeks burning. You dug this hole by yourself and now you had to lay in it. 

"Oh come on now, I'm curious." He was curious, even though he already knew the answer. He just wanted you to say it. 

All those years and she still looks at me like that. Silly little thing… 

"I- I like it too much…if you know what I mean." You poured the rest of the wine in your glass and took a big sip.

"No I don't." He tilted his head, like a damn kid asking stupid questions.

He was impossible.

"Jesus Christ," you whispered under your breath. "I get horny, okay?" 

You finally confessed and Joel smirked.

"Dear God, take me now." Came out in the form of a whisper. 

He was your parents' neighbor, your dad's poker buddy, he was 23 years older than you and yet you wanted him to devour you. 

"Is it bad that I have a crush on you and you're only 10 years older than my dead father?" You asked. The first time the word dead came out of your mouth. 

"Is it bad that I don't think it's bad?" 

That damn smirk on his face is going to be the death of me.

"If you don't think it's bad, can I do something?" You were burning up and the summer weather didn't help. 

"Of course, darlin'," he answered, and thank God he gave you an affirmative response because you were feeling adventurous. You chugged the rest of the wine from your glass and put it on the table. Then went and sat on Joel's lap, putting your legs on both his sides. You could feel his hot breath on your face, his firm chest and his dick slowly getting hard. Your hands found their way into his now dry hair; it was soft, softer than you thought. His fingers went behind your back, finding your bare skin under your shirt, making you shiver. 

"Now do you think it's bad?" You said, slowly moving your hips, grinding against him. 

His breathing deepened, his mouth slightly opened and he whispered: "No." 

That was all you needed to hear. No more holding back, no more hiding behind a shy smile and refusing to look him in the eyes. His wine-stained lips touched yours gently. His lips were surprisingly soft and as the kiss deepened more and more, his hands roamed on your body freely, touching any naked surface he could find. When your hips started moving faster a muffled moan escaped from Joel's mouth letting you know he was growing impatient. Hell, you could feel it. He was now fully hard underneath those jeans and big. 

When oxygen became a necessity, you broke away resting your nose on his.

"Still not bad?" You asked, almost breathless.

"Still not bad." 

Something about sleeping with your favorite guitar teacher in your living room, filled with family photos, was giving you an ick so you went into your room. Your bed wasn't big, but it was big enough for both of you. He climbed on top of you, kissing you hungrily as you pulled on his hair making him groan into the kiss. 

"Mmm I thought you couldn't sleep here." He told you between kisses. "What changed your mind?"

"I broke the ice today" – you sighed as Joel bit your neck gently – "With a nap." 

Your hands pulled on his t-shirt, trying to take it off and feel his warm skin against yours. He took it off, before taking yours off followed by your shorts leaving you completely bare, only in your black panties underneath him. It was too hot for a bra that day. You cupped your breasts feeling a sense of embarrassment. Joel took your palms, intertwined his fingers with yours and put your hands above your head.

"No need to feel shy aroun' me darlin'," He said and placed kisses all over your collarbones, getting lower and lower. You sighed growing wetter with each kiss and touch. His lips explored your skin, his beard lightly brushing against it leaving light red spots all over your belly. When he reached your panties he kissed you through the fabric as your back arched – your body on fire. You have never experienced anything like that with anyone and he hadn't even fucked you yet. Something about him; maybe his age or maybe the fact that you had known him for so long, he was comfort and you were ready to let go of all of your worries. You were his. 

"Are you going to…?" You asked looking at the ceiling, but unable to finish the thought. 

"Don't be shy, baby. Use your words!"

Baby.

You swallowed, feeling your cheeks burning. "Eat me out?"

Joel took off your panties as he positioned himself right in front of your cunt. He kissed the skin on your inner thighs as you bit your lip, balancing yourself on your elbows.

"I can do that, can't I?" He asked, trying to play innocent.

"Yeah, it's just… no one has ever. I don't know if I'd like it." You confessed. 

You had little to no experience when it came to good sex. Your ex liked the same shit and wasn't as creative as you would have wanted him to be. All of your previous partners were the same – same shit over and over. They were all selfish – selfish and just awful.

"You've been with some dickheads, darlin'. Who doesn't wanna eat this pretty little pussy? I mean look at you, baby." 

His words were hot, but tongue against your wet cunt was even hotter. 

"You're already so wet for me.Tell me if you don't like it, okay?"

"Okay, Joel."

He started off slow, showering you with kisses all around your sensitive and pulsating core, before his face was buried deep between your legs, licking the bundle of nerves that no one bothered to touch. Your fingers were in his hair, pulling it harder and harder as the pleasure was growing stronger. It was a brand new feeling – intense, but good. It felt like he was tickling you and torturing you and yet you didn't want him to stop. Your mouth only knew the sound of his name.

"Joel, Joel….FUCK!" 

You could feel the vibrations of his groans against your skin, making your back arch. When he placed two fingers inside, you knew you were going to lose it very soon. It was too much to handle. He was fucking you with his fingers as his mouth never left your clit. Your sanity began to crumble as you started forgetting your own name, only pleasure taking over you. 

"Oh my fucking God!" You screamed, gripping the bed sheets as the orgasm rushed through you. Your body was stiff, skin covered in goosebumps, your lungs forgot to breathe – the climax hit you hard. 

You were panting, practically running towards air, but not being able to catch it. Joel kissed your hip bone and climbed back up. 

"Good girl!" He said and kissed you letting you taste yourself. A mixture of sweet and salty hit your taste buds – you craved more. 

"Spit in my mouth!" You heard yourself say, breaking the kiss. Your hands cupped his face pulling him closer and licking your juices off his beautiful nose. 

Joel bit his lower lip,  letting you know he liked your demand.

"Open!" He said and you opened your mouth, letting your tongue out. A thick drop of saliva left his mouth and hit your tongue, and you swallowed instantly. Something about being able to finally taste every part of this man was enough to send you into an animalistic state so intense it was able to  cloud your judgment completely. You wanted to take control now. It was his turn to moan and scream in pleasure. Your hands went around his torso as you pulled him closer to you. His hot skin pressed against yours and before he knew it you managed to flip him over, with his help,so he was under you. Finally, he was under you.

"You are a lot stronger than you look, darlin', he told you as you took off his jeans.

"Not strong Joel…just really fuckin' horny." You confessed. 

He was bigger than you– sure; stronger– sure; but under your spell powerless. It has been a very long time since he felt this kind of connection with anyone. He needed this just as much as you did. 

"What you wanna do? He asked and watched you taking off his boxers, his dick free and fully hard and slightly curved to the right. 

"I want you to fuck my mouth, handsome." 

Handsome.

He was indeed handsome. His hair messy, skin drenched in sweat, his eyes soft as always – he was indeed the most handsome man you have ever laid your eyes on. 

Only a gasp left his lips. He didn't even manage to react to your statement; his dick was already in your warm mouth. 

"Fuck!" You heard him say under his breath. Not having a gag reflex was a blessing, since he was big enough and hit the back of your throat right away. Your head moved slowly up and down as you hand cupped his balls making him grip the bed sheets and moan your name. Hearing him say your name all hot and bothered only made you want him even more. 

Your pace became faster, with each movement his dick would hit your throat and every time he would moan. 

"Baby!" He called but you didn't answer.

"Please, don't make me cum!" Your ears registered. He was begging.

"Please, don't wanna –" 

His words. The desperation in his voice was sweet like honey – music for your ears. You didn't stop though, you wanted to listen to him beg a little bit more. 

"Baby –"

His dick was hitting your throat every time and it felt too good to stop.

"Please –" 

His words – too melodic and desperate to pull away. 

"I'm gonna –"

Until you finally pulled away. His head hit the pillow and in relief he let out a sign when you got back up to kiss him

"Going insane, handsome?" You teased.

"Teasin' me like that darlin' – Jesus Christ– yeah a little bit." 

You kissed him again, swallowing his short exhales, smiling into the kiss. "I couldn't resist, you're cute when you beg." 

And with that he flipped you over by wrapping his hands around your body. With ease, like you were a ragdoll. A squeal echoed in the room. Your fingers followed his face lines; on his forehead, cheeks all the way to his lips, your thumb, brushing against his lower lip. You had never seen his face up close, every line was a perfect puzzle piece on his face, his eyes were dark, tired but filled with warmth. He was a work of art, nothing more, nothing less.

"You're so handsome, Joel." 

He didn't know how to react. He forgot how to take compliments, so he just kissed you, almost wanting to absorb your words through your lips. He liked them – he liked you, very much.

"You're beautiful, darlin'." He said, stroking your hair. 

"I never thought you'd go for a young lady like me." You told him, your hands around his torso, pulling him as close as possible. 

"And I never knew you'd go for an old man like me." He smiled, his face inches away from yours – noses barely touching.

You frowned. "You ain't old." 

"Sure darlin'." He smiled softly before kissing you again. 

It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a daydream. He was healing the wounds in your soul with each kiss. He was gluing you back together; like you were a broken vase; not even knowing that he was the glue. It was strange to finally feel an ounce of happiness – true authentic happiness; considering the situation and the enormous grief surrounding you in that house. He made everything go away. 

A pathetic whine left your lips as he entered you. He was big, bigger than any guy you had slept with and the blissful sensation was fused with light discomfort before completely melting with pleasure. Joel kissed the skin just underneath your ear.

"Are you okay?" He whispered. 

"Y-yeah. Fuck me!" You whispered back.

Slowly he started to move, establishing the pace. With each thrust, your fingers pulled his hair, with each pull he moaned. It seemed that he waited for you long enough. You were now his and only his to consume. 

Your legs wrapped around his waist pulling him closer to hit that sweet spot, your ex was incapable of hitting without cumming in two seconds. Sloppy kisses and love bites as the pace got faster. The room filled with moans, groans and whimpers. Time stopped – it was just you and him.

Joel suddenly stopped and took your legs, placing them on his shoulders. You watched him as he slowly leaned in to kiss you as he started moving again– faster and harder. You had no idea you were that flexible. 

"OH MY GOD!!" You screamed feeling him hit that sweet, sweet spot over and over again. 

He took your face squeezing your cheeks between fingers, forcing you to look at him.

"Not God, Joel!" He smirked as he was fucking you. 

You giggled. "Funny, old man!" 

Your body wasn't hurting, he bent you over in half; like a piece of paper; you could see your feet dangling in the air as he was pounding into you. 

"Joel, Joel, Joel!!!" 

"There we go! Come on baby! Cum! Cum for me!" His words were unexpected; since no one has ever cared enough to say them. No one has ever cared enough to see you come undone.

You dug your fingers into his back, feeling the waves of pleasure consuming you completely. 

"Gonna–"

"Fuck–"

"JOEL!"

For the second time you fell apart under him. Your body was completely drenched in sweat as you let the pleasure run through you. He still didn't stop, he was eager to cum; to have that release and fill you up. He wondered if he could.

You lifted your head up and kissed him. "Cum in me, handsome!" 

"C-can I?" He asked, barely able to speak. He was close – really close – he just wanted to make sure you were okay with it.

"I'm on the pill," you reassured him. "Please, Joel!"

The desperate plea was all it took for him to completely lose himself. He stopped moving, his body twitching in pleasure as he filled you up. The sound of him moaning and groaning as he couldn't keep your name out of his mouth was something you never knew you'd hear. 

You felt him fill you up completely, before he pulled out, collapsing next to you. 

He was aware that this wasn't just a meaningless fuck and you knew you were already falling for him. 

***

A few months later  

Your alarm went off as you pressed snooze. It was time to seize yet another day but after another 5 minutes and another and another... You rolled on your side to find the other half of the bed empty. 

"Joel?" You mumbled, still feeling groggy.

When you finally got the strength to actually get up, you found him in the kitchen making pancakes. 

"Mornin'," you said, rubbing your eyes.

"I was about to wake you up darlin', we're already late." He said, placing a kiss on your forehead. 

It was a rainy day in The Big Apple and you would much rather stay in your beloved loft than go outside and be a productive member of society. Unfortunately, you had dreams to catch and money to make.

"Didn't they tell us the rehearsal is at noon?" You asked, taking one pancake from the plate. 

"Darlin' it's 11am." He told you. You didn't realize you had been snoozing your phone for an hour.

"Do we have to go though? We already had two gigs there and we played the same shit. I know my chords.," you whined. As much as you love playing, you really wanted to stay in.

"Yes, we have to. Tonight is some kind of fancy jazz night, remember? We will be playing different songs."

You completely forgot about that.

"Shit! Well, it's your fault old man! Your stamina is so high, we always end up fucking like rabbits almost every single night for like 5 hours!" You teased and smacked his ass playfully. 

"Seriously?" He said with a bitch face as he watched you leave to go to the bathroom to get ready. 

"Love you, handsome!" He heard you say.

"Love you too, darlin'." He said and flipped the last pancake. 

[sakorispolyglot]

Self-Learning Troubles

I have for a long time had troubles with learning languages by myself. I was doing Duolingo courses for German and the way I was doing them probably contributed to how I was able to maximize my time learning and also maximize my recall afterwards. Back in 2019, I was doing a tech internship and when I would go on my lovely state-mandated breaks (oh how I miss them now that I've moved to a state that doesn't have them), I would take the time to do some German Duolingo lessons (this was before the re-tool to make it more like the CEFR scale, obviously, if that makes a difference; I don't believe it would but this is an aside just for your information; I have digressed, anyway...). Of course, my life has much less structure now than it did then (plus those breaks at work are now non-existence because different state laws so), so I don't think I'd be able to do something similar.

I have since tried to just be a sponge for the languages that I'm learning. Listening to music in the language, attempting to read things in the language, and continuing to say to myself that I'll make a goalpost of trying to take a certification exam for the language that I would then have to study for and eventually hope to pass. I've been looking at said exam for German for a while now, so you can guess how that has gone.

My ADHD and other relevant neurodivergencies make it difficult for me to learn things the normal way, and I don't think there's a way to replicate the way I learned ASL (where I would often watch interpreters and listen to what was being interpreted and attempt to pick up on signs; I have actually attempted to look into this, although the answers that I got were basically "you could try to do it, but I doubt you'll get good results out of it"). Another reason that would be difficult is that I took a class for ASL where we were only allowed to use ASL during lecture hours. That added on the pressure of being graded and since I graduated university two years ago, that definitely won't work.

Tbh I don't know why I decided to write this post. I'd love to be able to study languages daily and make some kind of routine where I could sit down (or probably more accurately, carve time out of my busy work schedule) and practice/learn the languages I'm learning at the time. I feel like I haven't found the right method for me. It's waiting out there somewhere, and I just have to find it. All of the conventional methods haven't worked for me as of yet, so I guess I keep searching.

This is a jumble of word salad, and if you'd like to add a proverbial salad dressing to help me out, feel free. Or don't; this is the free internet, and I have no say in what you do with it.

[inappropriate-aunt]

Sorry I haven't been as active on this blog, friends. I disappeared into my side blog, then I disappeared into my sadness for a while.

I'm doing better. As soon as I got a little break from work, a little bit more stable financial footing, a little bit of time to rest, I felt like myself again, and I realize now just how bad a shape I really was in.

Exhaustion and despair are a potent poison. I'm grateful my friends spoon fed me antidote to keep me alive. I felt like a fool for feeling so low when my troubles are so small compared to the suffering of the world- like a child screaming over a minor cut. I was ashamed to tell them, but I did anyway, because what does shame even mean when you don't feel like a person anymore? When your whole self is such a distant memory, and you remember smiling and laughing, but you think, that can't be me, I must have been faking.

It helps to have gathered people you around who understand. Who can remind you that you did, in fact, feel okay once, and you will again. They were right. I remind myself of that every time.

I stopped smoking weed. It wasn't bringing joy anymore. Just numbing the depression. I'm going to try to keep it to a social activity for now. I'm almost up to a two week streak.

I still need to get an adhd diagnosis. I keep delaying picking a doctor and calling to schedule an appointment. I'm just having a hard time getting myself to do the first step. I called one doctor (a month ago? Maybe two?) but he said he charges out of pocket costs in addition to insurance so, I need to pick a different one.

I just got my IUD replaced though so that's good. That's another medical thing I was putting off , but this time only like five months which is an improvement, and now it's done! I can forget about it for seven years as long as I remember to schedule annual gyno exams. No periods for another seven yearssss. I love it so much.

Damn I gotta get my car inspected too. The tasks keep coming ha. But that's life. And there's still food and friends and music.

Oh yeah I got new music to practice so that's coming along. A Bach and a cute modern piece meant to sound like witches riding on a broomstick. I think my sightreading is getting better too. It's nice to fall in love with music again after leaving the performance world. The joy is back now that the pressure is gone, and that's nice.

That's also enough public journalling for one day. Could I write this in a private journal? Yes. Will I ever sit down with my journal and write? Mmm, unlikely. I'd rather lay on the floor, sending thoughts out to strangers online. That's MY journalling. And it means, maybe, that someone will read it and feel a little less alone. I hope, at least.

Now back to my horny blog.

[sevenrenny]

Went to the dermatologist today. New doctor. Had to fill her in on my list of health issues, medications, history with doctors, and so on. We bonded over the fact we both had chronic migraines. She was very nice.

She asked about my past dermatologists, and while I was explaining, keep in mind I was very tired cause I'd waited two and a half hours in the waiting room. I was already deep in burnout and recovering from a respiratory issue and a mild migraine.

I had no spoons left to mask in public and looked bored as heck while explaining to her, "One doc said it's eczema, but he didn't even look at me and I know what eczema looks like so forget him. One said it's sunburn. Not sunburn.

"One said it might be fungus and did a skin scrape. I got the results via phone call that it's not fungus. Went back and asked to see Doctor Mariam or whatever her name was back then, and the front desk told me they didn't have a Mariam-or-whatshername. I showed him the paper from the other day I got at the hospital that clearly had her name on it. He looked her up on his system, couldn't find her or something cause he just told me she doesn't work here. So I guess I had a ghost doctor or she went to Mars or something cause my doctor told me I had no fungus and then vanished.

"Found another dermatologist who told me to lift up my shirt to check then proceeded to grab my tits to do a surprise breast exam but that's a whole other thing. Didn't go back. Then there was my last doctor-- said it could be an autoimmune thing but stated, 'Honestly, I have no idea what this is.' And I'm kinda glad said he's clueless rather than pretending he knows. Last doctor to check on my skin was maybe two years ago."

Think I mentioned some other stuff and my ADHD derailed the topic into other things but I forgot about what. My dermatologist morphed between laughing and having this mortified 'wtf' look on her face.

she asked to do a skin scrape to look for ''′spaghetti and meatballs′"

I thought I misheard, cause she casually talking with me in Arabic but then switched to English to say ′spaghetti and meatballs′. Apparently, that's what they call it when they look for fungus and such under a microscope.

She confirmed, "You have meatballs."

Diagnosed with meatballs. I went from eczema to sunburn to fungus-but-no-not-fungus to tiddie-McGrabby to autoimmune disease-but-who-knows to meatballs.

Even though Dr. Ghost Mariam said I did not have meatballs. Fungus. But I'm still unsure if she even existed so her credibility doesn't have a leg to stand on, I think.

I've been misdiagnosed a billion times but I'm more confident this might be it. I don't think a doctor who has no idea what they're doing would've had the self-assurance to tell me I'm positive for meatballs like that. Gonna go on a pill later to see how well that works.

Note: it's called Tinea versicolor (severe with me cause, according to the doctor, I went so long without proper treatment so it sticks out) but I didn't mention it because she said meatballs and I'm still stuck on that.

Second note: Not associated with the topic but I came home after the appointment to find out we got robbed lol (my stuff and the cats are okay. Just my dad's stuff got stolen, and I don't like him much so that's okay.)

[lifeintheneurolane]

My daily neurodivergent journal/diary

Hi lovely people of Tumblr! I'm J and I am an autistic ADHD'er. I have been diagnosed with AD(h)D since December 2023 and have been diagnosed with autism for about a month. Recently I have been keeping a diary/journal because I noticed I had a lot of recurring negative thoughts and I also wanted to keep track of my emotions for my therapy sessions (bc I always forget what I felt during the week I don't see my therapist). I have personally found that reading others experiences helped me a lot because; 1. I found a lot of recognition. 2. I could compare how symptoms presented in others with ADHD/Autism. 3. I have a new hyperfyxation and want to know everything there is to know about neurodivergence lol. I also like to write in my diary as if im writing a book or to an audience so there's that. So if any of these (or something else ofc) applies to you; welcome to my blog!

But before I start I thought I would share my story for anyone that's interested.

For as long as I could possibly remember (doesn't say a lot) I have felt extremely different from everyone else around me. I would overthink things, even as a little girl. I remember as a little girl people would always tell me "J it doesn't matter, stop overthinking and do it". Funny thing that is, because when I graduated flight attendant school two years ago they gave me a note along with my 100% exam score that said: "Stop thinking, just do". As you can tell, this has followed me my entire life. My head has been full of thoughts and music and movie sentences & so so much more. When I learned that this wasn't normal, things were already falling into place for me a bit. I don't belong here, in this society, surrounded by these people. But hey I was a kid! what do I know?

Having these thoughts I went through my teenage years, trough high school and college (imagine dramatic DUNDUNDUN sounds right here). I always felt like I was in a social hell. Honestly, the learning didn't even bother me (don't get me started on homework tho). It was just the social interactions of walking to class, having lunch, passing people in hallways, working in groups (I think you get it now). I had very bad anxiety but wouldn't let anyone know, especially growing up in a household that hates therapists (bc they blamed them lol). Let me sum up my time in highschool and college real quick; problems concentrating,procastinating,close group of friends, always late, almost expelled bc of my low attendance, low/average grades on normal tests but absolutely excelled on exams, could have a high degree but couldn't be arsed so went for average. How do I have 2 diplomas you ask? no clue except for I was kinda sorta smart except for the fact im not smart but just hyper fixated the night before every exam :)

Soo after all of that I became a flight attendant at 19 yrs old, and absolutely hated every second of it. Oh, don't even get me started on the extreme sensory overload. I did have a lot of bad experiences with colleagues so maybe im a little spooked by that, but overall 1/10 experience. The initial training summed up: almost got kicked out bc I was late 2 times (which was the limit), trouble making friends bc I thought no one liked me, extreme insecurities because of multiple exams, I arrived sweaty and anxious every morning, almost got kicked out because I was tired a lot and almost fell asleep, I couldn't concentrate on the 10/12h lectures, I couldn't concentrate because my heels were killing my feet, the clothing & so much makeup annoyed me. Honestly I could go on but I think this sums up my time because the training only lasted 2 weeks ;)

I flew for 9 months and most of the things above were the same during that time. I arrived sweaty every morning because I had so much stress. Before every flight they ask you safety questions & I had to learn every morning all over again because I kept forgetting everything & all the tiny details. Also the social aspect was so horrifying for me, every flight there was an entire new crew so there was excruciatingly much small talk (which Im not very good at). I think I called in sick 12 times because of sleep trouble, I felt sick, I felt stressed out, I just couldn't handle it. Everyone around me was so proud of me, until the end of my summer contract and I didn't go back. I don't think ive ever felt as much disappointment towards me as when I told my family I didn't like being a FA and basically wasted four years of my life going to flight attendant school (college).

After all that bull# I became a receptionist, I welcomed important business partners at the head office of T-Mobile. I did a lot of administrative tasks and social stuff (I did it to myself atp). And guys you'll never guess what!? I absolutely hated my time there. I did have a great colleague but for some reason I always felt she wasn't being genuine with me. She loved shopping and so did I (a lil too much) and together we would shop online, and this is where my neuro journey starts.

I started shopping so much until I had no money left, but I still needed to shop. I had such an extreme urge to shop anything I would know give me a good feeling. I started buying stuff with apps like Klarna and Afterpay to the point it was impossible for me to pay on the deadlines. I will sum it up bc im not ready to share the entire story yet, but best believe I was in a loooot of trouble and this was also when the worst year of my life would start. I went to a clinic for addiction ad had weekly talks with a therapist. We found out very quickly that something else was going on, something that caused my shopping addiction. So the psychiatrist there got involved, initially they thought of ASD but me and my stupid prejudices wouldn't have it. A week after that conversation with the psychiatrist he tested me for ADHD and dingdingding! There it was, and almost a perfect score might I add. Finally I had a reason for being so.. me. I started doing research and reading books which helped me feel a lot of recognition. Still, something didn't entirely feel right. They couldn't start medications because I was there for addiction initially so I had to wait until I could go to a psychiatrist (waitlists here in Europe are a nightmare).

In January this year I stopped going to the clinic and got prescriptions for my medications from my gp/doctor. I tried 2 types of meds but still, there was this part of me that said "what now?, nothing has changed yet.. is it ever going to?" something still felt missing. In March I had my first appointment with my new and current therapist. I was so extremely nervous because I honestly didn't even know what exactly I needed help with. I just felt lost and wanted to fix my life again. I started telling my entire story to this new therapist and immediately I felt he understood me. I told him about my former therapist and psychiatrist's initial thoughts of ASD and he said we could see if there was any reason for looking into ASD if I felt comfortable with that. I told him I was, even though it freaked me out but I wanted/needed to know. So he gave me two forms to fill out which were general questions to figure out if there was even any reason to think about ASD. I emailed him the forms so he would have an answer by the time we would meet again. Sure enough, when we met a week later he told me there was indeed reason to start a ASD diagnosis interview because I scored in all aspects. So we did do a interview and a week or so after that I was officially diagnosed with Autism. During the entire week after the interview I couldn't get out of the house. I was afraid to tell my parents but I did anyway, and my mom's reaction was "surely you don't have it, I know so many autistic people and you are not like them". Well mom, how wrong you were. This entire month has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. I am now an autistic woman with ADHD, yay?. It makes lots of sense now, but in the beginning I kept picturing this 8 year old autistic boy that was in my class, who kept trying to fight me because I thought I was Travis Barker drumming on my table. The boy who wore big bright red headphones and would sit in a corner, facing the wall and rocking so fast it gave me the creeps. The boy who would fight and scream and no one liked. That wasn't me, it couldn't be, it can't be. After doing my research I found out this indeed was't me, but autism presents different in everyone. Especially after reading Ellie Middleton's (love her so much) unmasked I finally understood myself. I'm not yet at that phase of acceptance because yes I have autism and that's why people think im weird sometimes, im just wired differently. It just still doesn't take away the fact im still weird and an outcast. I don't relate to a lot of other autistic people, I don't relate to most neurotypicals, so what do I do now?

I guess that's why I started this blog. I want to find out and when I finally get to that point of acceptance, or at least contempt, I can look back at how I got where I am at that point.

If anyone has any tips or anything feel free to message me or comment under my posts. This is a judgement free zone but if I said something wrong please feel free to correct me and educate me if needed :) Also if anyone ever wants to talk, im here! I may not be good at social stuff but if you made it to here, you'll know why.

Love & hugs,

J

[feekins]

ADHD fun sometimes. it does silly shit like randomly remembering that part in Cloverfield where that chick who got bitten fuckin exploded and then connecting it to Current Hyperfixation like "mm...teen Nai with a perfectly benign tummy ache but scared bc he doesn't know what's happening to him, but he's STUBBORN and won't ask for help, so he just gets more and more scared the longer his tummy hurts, and the anxiety's making him feel sick, which scares him EVEN MORE and! maybe him and Vash once watched a scary movie or two featuring someone's torso exploding from the inside! or an alien bursting out of it! and Nai KNOWS that can't be the case with him but now he can't get those scenes out of his head, and he hurts, and he feels SO yucky, and he feels STUPID for being so scared

and eventually Conrad finds him just. sitting against the wall in a random hallway. hood up. cloak drawn around himself. and Nai refuses to get up, and it takes a lot of gentle prodding just for him to finally admit that he doesn't feel well. but he won't move. and when Conrad asks if it's okay to carry him to the exam room, Nai responds with just the most pathetic, obstinate little grumble, but he doesn't fight him, and Conrad doesn't say a word about that one arm looped around his neck or how reluctant Nai is to let go as he's set down on the exam table. and of course Nai won't just tell Conrad what specifically is wrong bc he's Embarrassed and Stubborn, but Conrad's so patient with him, asking simple questions to narrow things down, and then he indulges Nai with all the non-invasive procedures and exams he'll put up with to show him that everything's perfectly normal with him

and THAT'S when Nai finally lets himself admit it might just be stress getting to him...and it's impossible for him to hide how embarrassed and stupid he feels for getting so wound up over something so small - by now, it's just so easy for Conrad to see right through him, and he also knows Nai will NOT ask for help or comfort no matter how upset he gets. so Conrad offers to give Nai something to help settle his stomach - he'll still have a tummy ache but at least he won't feel so yucky - and sticks around "just in case you have a reaction to it" except what Conrad ACTUALLY does is sit with Nai and rub his back as he's curled up on the exam table feeling gross and dumb and trying not to cry about it

but once he's managed to calm down a little, Nai starts to open up. he mentions that ill-advised scary movie marathon he and Vash did years ago. Conrad asks about what they watched, and that gets Nai to open up a little more, and soon he's telling him about those scenes that scared him so much - and Conrad says something like "you're more brave than I was; I couldn't watch anything like that when I was that age... well. you know what I mean." and Nai doesn't expect that to make him laugh, but it does

and FOR SOME REASON that's what opens the flood gates. the next thing he knows, Nai's lying there sniffling, trembling from the sobs he's struggling to hold back - until Conrad's combing his fingers through his hair, and at last, Nai gives in and lets himself cry and cry - and Conrad doesn't make a big deal out of it, doesn't try to make him stop. he gently, so gently encourages Nai to just...let it all out. and he does. he cries until he feels like an empty vessel. it's a good kind of empty, though - like dumping lukewarm water out of a glass, like some strange weight has been lifted - and as his tears run dry, Nai is SO. EXHAUSTED. maybe he'll just...sleep a bit. just this once.

when he notices Nai's starting to nod off, of course Conrad offers to set him up somewhere that's actually comfortable...and of course Nai's fast asleep in his arms before the elevator even reaches the penthouse. Conrad carries him to the master bedroom, tucks him in, then heads out and gets back to work. he's not expecting Nai to still be there when he returns that evening, but there he is - and that's okay. Conrad's careful to be extra-quiet as he gets ready for bed, gets in the far side...only briefly reaches into Nai's personal bubble to tug the covers up over his shoulder. and yes, Conrad knows that, come sunrise, Nai will be long gone...but for now, he's here, safe and warm and loved and cared for - and tonight, not even his deepest fears can reach him..."

...anyway. yeah. that's what's playing in my turbo-unmedicated brain theater rn =u=

[passerine-writes]

Silent Sparks - Volt 100

Warnings: None??? Word count: 6108

Notes: Italics - Tsukare signing Bold italics - Family member/friend signing 'Italics with apostrophes' - Thoughts

Masterlist

Volt 99 | Volt 101

I bounced excitedly in place with Denki beside me as we waited for Nakami. I had managed to swing by my Auntie Nem's early enough to get her help with covering the hickeys on my neck, but not without any teasing. She even gave me a tube of her back up concealer to use for the next few days, before proceeding to ask if we were being safe.

"He's the guy that you didn't knock on his ass during the licensing exam, right?" My boyfriend asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, Shindo is the one I knocked on his ass. My parents actually got permission from Nedzu for Nakami to come here. The only condition is that as soon as we get to my parents place my Dad has to use his quirk on him." I told him and he nodded along, smiling softly as he looked at me.

"I can't wait to properly meet him." He said and I bounced in my place again, excitedly shaking his hands in mine.

"He's here! Nakami!" I called through the gate of UA, waving to my friend with dark chestnut hair. He awkwardly waved back and continued walking. Just as awkwardly, he opened up his arms and gave me a quick hug.

"Happy birthday." He said with a faint smile. "You're his boyfriend, Kaminari?" He turned to the blond who nodded, opening his arms for a hug. "Sorry, I have an aversion to physical touch. Onryo is the exception because it's his birthday and Oribuko later because I haven't seen him in years." He explained, watching as my boyfriend processed the words.

"Okay, well let's get moving then!" He said and I held his hand happily.

"So, welcome to your sister school, I suppose. Maybe the next time you come it'll be for a joint training effort. Also if you need to switch to sign for any reason, my parents, my brother, Izuku and Yoru are all fluent, most of my aunts and uncles know a decent amount to be able to get by and Denki is learning a lot, so someone can interpret if it comes down to it." I told him and he seemed to physically relax.

"It's good to see you haven't changed a bit." He said and I laughed under my breath, Denki however, looked very confused. "He hasn't taken his ADHD medication today because there's no school." He summed up and Denks paused before rifling through his pockets and offering him a fidget toy. "You two are great for each other. You're the only other person I've met that just grabs a random fidget out of their pocket." He said making me laugh while grabbing my own fidget cube. "You still have that thing?" He asked and I nodded.

"Shit, I've had this for like, ten years now." I mumbled and he nodded while we walked to my parents front door. "Also, I figured I'd get you here early so you can meet people one by one instead of being thrown into the chaos."

"Much appreciated." He said and we stepped in. Dad immediately used his quirk and was satisfied to see it was really Nakami.

"Hey little listeners! You must be Nakami!" Pops called out and Nakami bowed slightly.

"Nice to meet you all." He said and Pops waved off the gesture.

"Don't worry about formalities, we gave up on those a while ago. Come on in!" He told us and I gestured for him to follow, scooping up Mittens and handing her to him.

"This is Mittens. You might see Spots later." He hummed and I watched him relax substantially as he started petting her.

"We have different drinks and sodas in the kitchen, feel free to help yourself." Dad said and Nakami awkwardly nodded.

"So I already introduced you to my brother and Izuku at the exams."

"Shinsou and the broccoli." He said and Pops almost did a spit take on Auntie Nem.

"Also known as problem child." Dad said.

"Huh?" Izuku and I hummed at the same time before laughing.

"Dad, you really gotta start saying one or two after that." I got out through my laughter. "So that's Hitoshi and I's Dad."

"Aizawa Shouta." He said and Nakami waved instead of bowing.

"And that's our Pops."

"Yamada Hizashi."

"That's our Auntie Nem."

"Miss Midnight will do."

"That's our Uncle Higari." I finished up.

"Most people know me by Power Loader."

"And that's Eri, Hitoshi and I's sister." I said and he waved a small amount to the girl who started coming out from behind our Dad's legs. I crouched down and opened my arms and she ran over, jumping into my arms and hugging me. "Hi Eri, I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Can you say 'hi' to my friend? His name is Nakami."

"Hi Nakami." She said and he crouched down to her height.

"Hi Eri. It's nice to meet you." She looked at him for a moment before running over to Dad and tugging on his hand a little. He nodded and handed her something before she ran back over.

"Here's a sticker." She said and peeled off a unicorn sticker for him.

"Thank you. I'll put it right here." He said and stuck it on his shirt.

"Here's a sticker." She said again, turning to me this time and handing me a dragon.

"That's so cool, he's going right here." I told her as I put the sticker on my shirt as well. I couldn't contain my giggles as she went up to Denki, handing him a fairy. He smiled and enthusiastically thanked her before she walked back over to our Dad.

"Nice kid." Nakami stated and I nodded, my head snapping to the door when I heard a knock.

"I got it!" I ran over to the door and checked through the peephole, seeing Yoru standing there patiently. I cracked it open and stuck my head out. "Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you." He sighed dramatically but shut his eyes, I opened the door and grabbed his free hand. "Okay, I'll tell you when you can open your eyes."

"It's your birthday party, you shouldn't be giving me a surprise." He said and I rolled my eyes.

"Trust me dude, you'll be pretty happy." I told him and he scoffed.

"It's still your birthday, squirt." I moved the gift bag out of his other hand and passed it to my Dad.

"Ready?" I asked and he nodded. "Open." he slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the light change before he paused.

"Nakami?" He asked in a whisper, my lifelong friend nodding.

"Hey Oribuko." He said and Yoru looked ready to cry.

"Can I give you a hug? Holy shit, you're almost as tall as me." He said through a few tears. "And you're talking, I've never heard your voice. Are your parents good to you? Siblings? I, seriously can I have a hug?" He asked and Nakami opened his arms, allowing Yoru to squeeze the life out of him for a moment. "We need to catch up after my eyes are done sweating." He said, making some of us laugh. He turned around and gave me a hug.

"Surprise." I said as I hugged him.

"Last time I saw both of you together was nine? Nine years ago?" He said in disbelief, looking at the two of us. "Gods this is, wow." He mumbled, wiping his eyes. "Sorry, I just, I wasn't expecting this." He said and I patted his arm.

"Welcome to how I felt when I saw Nakami at the licensing exam." I told him and he laughed under his breath. "I, however, am going to get some coffee." Nakami looked at me curiously and I nodded. "Yes you can have coffee. Toshi, Dad?" Toshi stood up and Dad asked if we could get him a mug.

"Can I have some?" Eri asked and I looked at Dad.

"Sho!" Pops said when he hesitated.

"When you're older, Eri. And I will explain more later as to why." Dad said and Eri nodded contently. Denki and Nakami followed me to the kitchen, Hitoshi and Izuku close behind us.

I started a fresh pot of coffee and put in a hot chocolate pod for my boyfriend, waiting for it to finish so I could add a dash of milk.

"You're pretty amazing." He said and I gave him a kiss on the cheek before sitting on the counter top.

"Have you still not learned to sit like a normal person?" Nakami asked and I shook my head.

"I don't think he's capable of that." My brother said and I gasped loudly.

"Rude." I mumbled and he rolled his eyes.

"He's not wrong." Izuku commented and I glared at him jokingly.

"Your name is Midoriya, right?" Nakami asked and Izuku seemed to clam up a bit.

"Y-Yeah!"

"You're the one with the oddly niche hero name." He stated and I coughed out a laugh.

"I- I guess!" He squeaked and Nakami nodded.

"It's not everyday you hear someone ask to be called 'Deku'. Sorry if my shock to it was unwarranted." He said and Midoriya shook his head.

"No worries! A lot of people don't get it until I explain." Nakami simply hummed and pointed to the coffee pot once it finished brewing. I nodded and he moved over to it, pouring himself a mug of black coffee. My brother did the same and poured a second one, taking it to our Dad before coming back. Midoriya fixed his mug and I blushed as Denki beat me to the coffee pot, making me mine and bringing it to me with a wide smile.

"Thank you, babe." I told him and he kissed my cheek.

"You're welcome." He hummed, resting his hand on mine so he could fiddle with my finger tips as we sipped on our drinks.

"Are they always like this?" Nakami asked and my brother nodded.

"Yeah, it's disgusting."

"I wouldn't say disgusting. I'd say unsettling." Nakami told him and my brother cheersed him. "I see what you were talking about, he's someone I would easily get along with." Nakami said and I nodded.

"You kids just... decided to camp out in here?" Yoru asked and we all slowly nodded. Are you two finally dating? He asked, staring me down.

"Yeah, and Denki is learning sign, so I'm pretty sure he caught most, if not all of that." He awkwardly smiled and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well, it's about damn time." I smiled and Yoru made his way over to the coffee pot.

"I'm starting to feel like the only one here who doesn't drink coffee." Denks said and I pondered it for a moment.

"Our Pops doesn't." I pointed out and he looked at me unimpressed.

"I meant out of us in this room." He said sarcastically.

"Well then yeah." I told him and he started laughing a little. "I'd say it's a foster kid thing but Izuku wasn't in the system." I said and Hitoshi barked out a small laugh.

"No, but I have the abandonment issues, so maybe it's that." He said and I chose the wrong time to drink coffee, seeing as it flew out my nose making everyone laugh.

"All I can smell is caffeine." I said through laughter. "I need to stop laughing, before I set off my asthma." I said while wheezing, only laughing harder. "Izuku! What the fuck!" I grabbed a few paper towels and wiped my face, moving to clean my mess while laughing hysterically.

"Well this is a sight." Dad said as he propped himself against the doorway, sipping on his coffee. "Oribuko, should I ask?"

"Zuzu called out our abandonment issues!" I said, still laughing.

"What did you just call him?" My brother asked.

"Zuzu? Like those electronic hamster pets you could collect as a kid?" Nakami asked and I plopped on the floor, bordering on cackling.

"If we get the white Zuzu pet and- and dye it green, it would match!" I wheezed, Denki pulling me to my feet once I started coughing. I rifled through the medicine cabinet and grabbed my back up inhaler, taking a puff and counting to five just to laugh it out. "I'm so doing that for christmas."

"Dude, stop laughing!" My brother said, all while laughing.

"I ca-" My mind went blank as my brother activated his quirk, waiting until my body calmed down and my heart rate leveled out before he let go. "Thanks, I needed that."

"What just happened?" Nakami asked in shock.

"That would be my quirk. Brainwashing. Someone answers me, I can control them to a degree." He said and Nakami nodded.

"That's cool. That makes my quirk look boring."

"What's your quirk?" Izuku asked.

"Chlorophyll control. Fairly self explanatory. My strong suit is with leaves, hence why my name in Onryo's phone is Leafeon."

"Mine is Espeon."

"Rayquaza."

"Pikachu."

"Drowzee."

"I- What's my name in your phone?" Yoru asked and I smiled devilishly.

"Tropius." I told him and he pulled me into a small headlock, affectionately noogie-ing me.

"I'm only takin' it easy cause you just had to use an inhaler that you've never had before." He said and I rolled my eyes.

"I've had it for like, two weeks?" I guessed the time frame and it made sense in my brain. Two weeks sounded right. "Maybe three weeks?"

"Okay, no more camping out, you have to socialize." He said and I grabbed my coffee and Denki's hand.

"To socializing!" I called out, raising my mug to the ceiling. "And I need a new shirt!" I said as I realized I got coffee on myself.

"Go grab something from my room and meet us in the living room." Dad said and I nodded.

The wet patches on the shirt started to set off my sensory issues, so after quite a bit of internal debate and standing in my parents room shirtless, I said fuck it and grabbed one of my Dad's black tank tops. I ran a hand through my hair nervously, starting to second guess my decision until I saw the door open.

"Everything okay in here?" Dad asked and I nodded without thinking. He sent me a look and I sighed, sitting on his bed.

"Sensory issues started acting up and usually tank tops are my go to for it but I don't want anyone staring or asking or anything." He hummed and thought about what to say.

"I don't think anyone will say or do anything. Oribuko might stare, but the rest of us aren't going to stare. If anything, it'll probably make Sunshine happy to see you coming out of your shell more with it." He said and I nodded, standing up before I could change my mind. He opened the door and had me walk out first so I couldn't back pedal.

"Hey Uncle Ken! Hi Uncle Ecto!" I said when I noticed they got there, I gave each of them a hug. "Where's Uncle Seki?" I asked.

"He's grading papers, but he should be here soon." Uncle Ecto said and I gave him a thumbs up.

"I see a new face is here. Pleased to meet you." Uncle Ken said and Nakami waved slightly.

"Uncle Ken, Uncle Ecto, this is Nakami Rintarou. We grew up in foster care together. Nakami, these are my Uncles, Cementoss and Ectoplasm."

"It is nice to meet a friend of Onryo's." Uncle Ecto said.

"It's nice being able to meet Onryo's family." He said softly, clearly still out of his element.

"How did you two meet?" Auntie Nem asked as she walked back into the room, not hearing my statement a moment ago.

"Onryo, Oribuko and I were all in the same foster center growing up." Nakami said and Auntie Nem nodded.

"I'm glad to see that you two kept in touch, especially after some rough times." She told him and he nodded awkwardly.

"We actually just recently got back in touch, after he got adopted we didn't see each other until the licensing exam." I jumped in, hoping to ease some of his discomfort.

Eventually, all of the adults started talking amongst themselves and I took my perfect opportunity to talk to Yoru. I told Hitoshi, Denki, Izuku and Nakami to all gather in the music room for us.

"Dad, is it okay if I just steal Yoru for a minute?" I asked and he shrugged, walking with Eri over to Pops and Auntie Nem. "Okay, let's go." I said while dragging him to the music room.

"This is starting to feel like an intervention." He said jokingly.

"We all love you very much." I said softly, making him laugh. "Okay, so half of you guys know about my plan, the rest of you don't. Yoru, about what I texted you the other day."

"You mean the vague message that you said you'd explain today?" He asked and I nodded.

"So, for our parents Christmas present, I want to get them photos of Hitoshi and I as babies and toddlers, as many as we can get. I already got pictures of Toshi from when he was born and ultrasound photos. Either tomorrow or Friday, I'm going to ask my bio family if they have any baby pictures of me that I could get." Yoru smiled softly and nodded.

"That's an amazing idea, honestly. I'm still confused on where I come into this." He admitted.

"The foster center." I said and watched the dots connect in his head.

"That's a horrible idea." He mumbled.

"You haven't even heard the idea yet." I countered and he sighed. "Outside of Nakami, you're the only one in this room who experienced just how bad it was with Kanami. She's gone now, but I can't go in there alone. Plus, with you being a pro, it gives us more leverage. Every few months to a year, Kanami would take new pictures of us for our files. I think they're still there." He shook his head slowly.

"I doubt it. Kanami only would've kept pictures of her favorites." He said.

"That's where my less smart back up plan comes in." I said, everyone looking at me. "I could always make a visit at some of our old foster homes."

"No way." Yoru said quickly.

"That's so stupid." My brother said. Denki and Izuku looked too stunned to speak.

"Onryo." Nakami started. "How much do they know?" He asked, gesturing to Denki and Izuku.

"'Zuku knows a lot of it. Denki knows some of it, but you don't have to limit what you say around them." He nodded once and took a deep breath.

"Yoru and I saw first hand how you'd come back from some of those foster homes. You had some of the worst treatment out of the three of us." He said and I licked my lips nervously. "I want you to honestly tell me if you think that's actually a good idea, or a half finished thought that you didn't really plan out."

"I wouldn't go to any of the bad ones. Just the ones that couldn't handle me being mute so they sent me back." I told him and he sighed.

"I had two of those." Hitoshi added in.

"How would you even get their addresses?" Yoru asked.

"We have a Nedzu." I said with a smirk and he shuddered.

"Gods, I was always scared of when you and Nedzu would start conspiring together." He mumbled.

"We can even get it narrowed down. I remember their names and what prefectures they lived in. If we get Nedzu on board, then he can just pull up their general, more public information, like their phone number. I call, ask if they'd be up for it, and save a few doors getting slammed in my face. The only thing he'd have to do a deep dive on is the first family that ever fostered me. I was too young to remember anything about them, I just know they sent me back when I was two or three and it went downhill from there." Yoru paced back and forth for a moment, thoroughly thinking this through.

"I'll call the two good homes I went to and if they say okay, then I'm not going alone." Hitoshi said.

"Like I'd let you go alone." I said and he gave me a thumbs up.

"Okay. But I'm setting my boundaries now. If not, then it's off." Yoru said and I looked at him excitedly. "After we figure out a day for all the old home visits, the second I say we're done, we're done. I'm not going to put either of you in harms way over some pictures. If there's anything sketchy where we have to skip a house, then we skip a house. Both of you, are dealing with your parents though, I'm not getting tangled up in Aizawa's capture weapon cause I crossed a line I didn't know about." He said and we nodded along quickly. "Okay. Then we can do this." I ran over to him and tackled him in a hug.

"You're amazing! Thank you so much!" I said and he hugged me with equal force.

"Yeah, yeah, save it for after we get the photos." He said. "Gods I feel old. I remember when I could pick both of you up." He said teasingly.

"Yoru." I groaned dramatically.

"What? You both were so tiny!"

"You're embarrassing." Nakami sighed.

"Okay, okay. Fine, I'll go into protective big brother mode then." He sighed before turning towards my boyfriend. "Kaminari."

"Oh no." He squeaked and I walked over towards him, holding his hand gently.

"How much do you know about when he was in foster care?" Denki gulped, his fingers starting to fiddle with mine.

"Yoru." I said in a warning tone.

"How much does he know?" He asked turning towards me.

"He knows the general stuff that happened. He knows some of the high lights. He knows." I said, hoping to end this conversation.

"But how much?" He asked again.

"He's seen the damage." I told him in a low tone. "I'm asking you, please save it for another day." I asked him softly and he nodded. "You'll have plenty of more chances to interrogate him. Just not today, please."

"Okay."

"Did the party move in here or something?" Pops asked as he stuck his head through the crack of the door.

"What's going on?" Dad asked, coming up behind Pops.

"Nothing." I said with a smile and he looked at me skeptically.

"We'll talk later. Come say goodbye to one of your uncles, he has to get to grading papers." Dad said. "And all of you, please be quiet when you are walking to the living room. Eri just fell asleep for a nap and I got her to Mic and I's bed. So if she wakes up from a nightmare, it won't end well." He said and we all nodded, moving as quietly as we could to the living room. I gave Uncle Higari a hug goodbye and he ruffled my hair affectionately.

"Happy birthday, kid. Let me know at school if you liked my present." He said.

"Thank you, Uncle Higari. Love you." He squeezed me a little before letting go.

"Love you too, kid." He opened the door and I saw a few more shadows come in. Uncle Snipe, Aunt Shino and Kota walked in.

"Put 'em up, partner." I said in a horrible accent, but he already had a finger gun raised.

"Not today, ginger." He said and I dramatically fell to my knees while clutching my chest, only to be tackled by Kota.

"Woah! Hey, squirtle!" I breathed out, a wide smile on my face.

"Happy birthday, whismur." He mumbled, arms wrapping tightly around my shoulders.

"Thank you. I want you to meet someone new, okay?" He huffed but popped his head up. I let my arms fall and stayed crouched in front of him. "That's my really good friend, Nakami Rintarou." I said and he my friend waved awkwardly.

"What's his pokémon name?" I tried to hide my smile but saw a few of my friends and my boyfriend biting back their laughter.

"Leafeon." He stared down my friend for a minute and eventually nodded before turning back to me.

"How did you meet him?" He asked.

"Do you remember last year when you asked me why your Uncle Hitoshi and I didn't look like our dads and we didn't look like each other?" He mulled it over for a moment before nodding.

"Cause someone else made each of you and Mic and Eraser didn't become your parents until later and they wanted to be your dads and you both wanted to be their kids." He said and I nodded.

"Exactly. Well, before I met anyone here, I met Nakami and Oribuko, his pokémon name is Tropius." I pointed to the youngest pro in the room and he nodded. "We lived in this place called a foster center since none of us had any family yet, can you guess how long I've known them?" He slowly shook his head. "Sixteen years."

"You're old." He said and I gasped dramatically, making him chuckle. "Who's that guy?" He asked, pointing to Denki. "Was he there this summer?"

"Yeah, he's my boyfriend, his name is Kaminari Denki, or Pikachu." I said teasingly and he seemed content with that. "Hey Aunt Shino." I said while getting up and giving her a hug. "Where's Aunt Ryuko, Aunt Tomoko and Uncle Yawara?"

"Ragdoll is still recovering, so Tiger decided to stay with her today. And Ryuko caught the cold that Kota had last week." I nodded slightly and she rubbed my back. "I wanted to surprise you for your birthday though, and figured coming out with Kota might be good for both of you." She said and I thanked her. "So, you and blondie, huh?" She asked teasingly and I blushed brightly.

"Yeah." I mumbled and she gave me a warm smile.

"I take it he's treating you good? I don't see Eraser letting either of you date someone who's going to treat you less than you deserve." I laughed, unable to control my smile.

"He's amazing. He even helps me sleep." I said and she grew visibly impressed.

"Oh, he's a keeper alright." I nodded and she ruffled my head. "I'm gonna grab a soda, do me a favor, don't let Kota punch your friend in the balls again. He got into a fight at school." I looked at her in disbelief as she walked to the kitchen.

"So, who exactly is that kid?" Yoru asked me, pointing to Kota who was currently sitting with my Dad.

"That's Mandalay's cousins son. The water hose heroes." He sucked in a breath but nodded. "So, he's Toshi and I's honorary nephew, it's easier than trying to explain the technicalities of everything." I said and he hummed in agreement.

"Seems like a good kid."

"He's had it rough. He's starting to act up because of it. So I'll probably talk to him before he leaves." He nodded along and I watched everyone interact for a moment.

"When did you become a people watcher? Are you a grandpa or something?" He asked, poking my bicep. "And when the fuck did you get so much muscle?"

"Ryo out lifted Kacchan the other day, it was sick." Denki chimed in, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"Kaminari!" Dad yelled, making him hold up his hands in surrender.

"You were so tiny when we were kids. It's weird seeing how much you've bulked up." Nakami joined in.

"I think it's less shocking for Izuku and I because we watched him bulk up. However, I also remember how tiny he was when we met." My brother said and Izuku nodded.

"Well apparently I have the biggest chest out of our friends."

"I taught you well, Ryo! You can thank me for that!" Auntie Nem yelled, making all of us break out laughing.

"I didn't need or want to know that I got the mystery chest genetics from you, thanks!"

"Well you certainly didn't get it from your fathers, I can tell you that much. I have been well-endowed in that department and I'm glad it passed onto you." She said and I couldn't stop laughing.

"Thank you so much, Auntie Nem. I'm sure Hitoshi is just distraught that you didn't pass it onto him instead."

"Hitoshi is built just like your Dad. Aside from the build, you are a carbon copy of your Pops, young man." She said, pinching one of my cheeks.

"At least I don't have our Dad's smile."

"Oh, you do. It's almost equally horrifying." I looked at my brother and we gave her our Dad's smile at the same time.

"Don't leave me out of this." Dad said as he came up behind us, his signature smile. Pops came over and took a picture as Auntie Nem looked horrified.

"Good gods, Shouta! Stop with that damn smile already!" She lectured, making all of us start laughing like him. Hitoshi and I did so for comedic effect before we started laughing like ourselves, none of us prepared to actually all do the same thing.

"Okay, while you all are together, Onryo, I want a picture of you and your Dad and then you and your brother and then me and you and then you and Eri when she wakes up and then one of all of us." He said excitedly.

"Pops, you could've just said it was picture time." I said with a small laugh.

Everyone watched as we took pictures, I jumped on Dad's back, smiling widely while he tried his best to look neutrally happy. Hitoshi and I put our backs together with our arms crossed over our chests, Pops gave me a giant hug for our picture. While we waited for Eri to wake up, Pops told Denki and I to take a picture. He decided to pull the same move from yesterday and pick me up bridal style with no warning, making me laugh my ass off as I held onto his shoulders.

"Hey Kota, do you wanna take a picture with your favorite uncles?" I asked facetiously but he nodded and came running over. I tickled him relentlessly until he was laughing and smiling for Pops' picture. I moved him from my hip afterwards and placed him on my shoulders.

"I like being tall." He said and I laughed.

"Just hope that you'll be taller than me, okay? Cause I'm probably not growing much more." He laughed at that. "Oh ha ha. Laugh at my pain." I said sarcastically, only making him laugh harder. I picked him up and flipped him upside down, my hearing aids screeching from the feedback of his squealing laughter, but I ignored it, he was having fun for once and showing it.

"Can I get a snack?" He asked after I set him down.

"There should be some in the kitchen, just don't fill up on anything, we're probably going to be eating soon." He nodded and ran to the kitchen.

"You always manage to put a smile on his face. It's refreshing." Aunt Shino said, coming back beside me.

"I'm glad I'm able to." I told her and she smiled softly as Denki came back to my side.

Is everything okay? I asked as he discreetly grabbed my hand and gravitated closer to me.

Yeah.

Talk more later?

He nodded and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"So, Kaminari." Aunt Shino started and he looked nervous. "Relax, I won't interrogate you like Eraser. I'm just curious on how you managed to help Onryo sleep more."

"Movie nights. We'll usually just put something on to fall asleep to."

"I'm glad he has you for that. I am surprised that Eraser's been allowing all those sleepovers though." She said teasingly.

"He's not a fan, but he told me that he's just glad I'm actually getting sleep." I told her and she hummed.

"That sounds more like him." She said and I nodded, laughing a bit. "I think Kota had the right idea though, I'm going to grab a snack, the drive here kicked my butt."

"You have a lot of family." Denki said and I nodded.

"It took some getting used to."

"What are we talking about?" Hitoshi asked as he walked over with Nakami and Izuku.

"How we have a lot of family."

"You do." Nakami agreed.

"It was so weird getting used to being around so many pro heroes, especially since getting into the school they work at." Izuku said and the other two nodded.

"I thought I had a large family, this is something completely different." Nakami said.

"It took us a while to acclimate too, I think." I said, gesturing to my brother.

"We have... six uncles, four aunts, Thirteen, Hound dog, and Nedzu?"

"What's a Nedzu?" Nakami asked hesitantly.

"He's our principal. He likes to sit in our Dad's scarf." I said and watched him mentally stutter.

"Okay." I looked over and tried to control my giggles when I saw Eri waddling into the living room with horrendous bed head.

"I'll be right back." I said while giving Denki a kiss on the cheek. "Hey Eri, do you want me to do your hair?" She nodded sleepily and I grabbed the brush and some hair ties out of the bathroom. I did a simple high pony tail and left some of her bangs out.

"Thank you." She said softly and I gave her a small smile.

"Of course. Are you up for taking pictures? Pops wanted to get some." She nodded and after giving her a moment to decide, she let me pick her up.

Pops got a picture of us and haphazardly gave his phone to Auntie Nem, Dad and Hitoshi also coming over and Auntie Nem took a lot of pictures. Probably too many.

"Perfect! I'm going to have to go to the store soon so I can get stuff to make Eri's photo album! And I need to print pictures!" He said excitedly, Dad just nodding along. "Eri hasn't met Kota yet!"

"Squirtle, can you come here please?" I called out and watched him slowly walk out of the kitchen. I set Eri down and watched as the two just stared at each other. After a moment, Eri walked over to Dad and grabbed the sticker book again, delicately peeling one off and handing it to him.

"Here, have a sticker." She said and he took it with a weird look, that quickly turned into one of joy.

"Woah! Is that a rocket? Cool!" He said and quickly put it on his shirt. She walked back over to Dad and came back. "I'm Kota."

"My name is Eri." She said softly and he hummed.

"Do you want to go play?" He asked and she froze up, looking up at me expectantly.

"Go ahead. If either of you need or want something, we'll all still be right here." I said and she nodded, running off somewhere with Kota.

"You're a good big brother." Denki said as he sat beside me on the couch.

"And I'm not?" Hitoshi asked sarcastically.

"I'm staying out of this." Nakami said as he sat on my other side.

"Howdy ginger, purple, and they're friends." Uncle Snipe said. "Yer a new face." He said to Nakami.

"Nakami Rintarou. Nice to meet you." He said politely.

"I'm Snipe. How long've ya known Onryo?"

"Since he was born." He answered without a second thought and Uncle Snipe hummed.

"What school do ya go to?"

"I go to Shiketsu. I'm a second year student there."

"Good for you, you in the hero course there?"

"Yes, sir. I did my work study with Majestic."

"Majestic's a good hero, not one to take many work studies. Consider yourself valuable."

"We have to go, some of the third year students are fighting. We have to go play damage control." Uncle Ecto said, him and Uncle Ken left to handle it, and Uncle Seki left as well, saying something about Class B being little instigators. Not too sure what he meant, but I gave each of them a hug goodbye.

The rest of the time spent together, I enjoyed myself, happy to be around my family.

It was probably one of the best birthdays I ever had.

[veangeanceawaits]

I've decided I'll make this little account that nobody really sees into my own little went page. I don't think anybody I know will find me here. So, I think I'll address this to you, reader, whom I call Mia (I don't think anyone will actually read this, but it feels better than writing to no one, i guess).

So, hello! My name is Leti. With only one 't', please. I hate the double syllable variant, Letty or Lettie sounds really girlish to me yk.

I am half a year away from being twenty yo, and going to college to study english and all that. I am a pretty average person I think, even though I really, really hope I am not. I wish not to be. Normal people seem really weird to me, and it's so hard to be myself often, I just accept the situation and move on. I always saw the world in kind of my own way, dressed different, behaved odd, looked different from everybody. There were very few people I knew, who were similar to me. And even then I think I assimilated into situations. My mother always told me it'll pass, it's a phase and so on. I guess mom it wasn't. I found out I had ADHD not too long ago. I guess I really was an odd one. At least now I can justify it somewhat. I hope at least. I still feel incomplete though, as if a piece was missing, and I'm tired of comparing puzzle pieces. I can't cry anymore, I desire to hurt people around me in by-me-justified situations. And it's getting harder and harder by the minute to reign it in. To control that stress, frustration and bitter tears mixed with burning anger. I desire to yell. Yell my story with all to see.

Mia, I am a child of disfunctional family. I was first, then eleven or so years later came my sister. I just kept to myself most of the time. I was used sexually for a while, by two people, by a girlfried and a cousin while we were kids. I really couldn't say no, I am afraid that in a twisted way I might've even enjoyed it. Although it left me with scars I wish to carve into my own skin so people notice me sometimes. Along with so much more. Maybe you've guessed by now, or not, me and my mom aren't besties. She'd done many things that hurt me so much. I'll always have those feelings with me, somewhere in me. Deep, very very deep. On night's like these they come to haunt me like ghost's. I never really enjoyed living life, I had my world though. Inside my mind I made a place where I felt safe. I read books and lived the stories. Where people cared about me, where nothing was so hard anymore. Where I could fly if I wanted, I could fuck whomever I want. I could replay movies, books, I could kill, torture or exert my power and reign. I could really do everything, I could explore like Lara from Tomb raider. Whatever I saw and liked or thought up I could do. It was my escape, it was me. I spent days laying in bed being there, in class, during exams, during conversations. I lived there more than in the real world. Sometimes I wished that I would wake up there, with my lover or lovers waiting for me right by my side. Their hugs and love felt always more real than anything.

I wished I would go there after death, away from everybody else. I became distant and just suffered trough social events or conversations because I had the vision of going there. I wrote books, I tinkered too sometime, but most of the time I dreamt.

Years passed, and then I was leaving town to go to high school, things changed. I couldn't keep friends. They didn't really interest me, I could talk with them, but after a while I got tired and left them there. Changed person. I had better. And I became an always sour looking loner. Stuck in my own head. Time went on, and I was unhappy, with my appearance, myself, friends whatever came to mind. I never really understood my own or anybodies emotions. They seemed strange and weird, and I just couldn't get my head around them. I always felt that when I'm angry or sad somebody did something wrong to me. Or something like that. I just can't get them. Still can't. They're odd and yucky. Ew.

I found my first love then, first kisses, feelings everywhere, I knew it was trouble from the start. It was bliss regardless. The first time someone wamted little ol' me. I was over the moon, head over heels for her, but maybe for that feeling of being wanted too. I wasn't the best, I was seventeen and kinda dumb, she was eighteen and the same really. She was toxic and I was avoidant. Terrific combination, I think. So one may morning we bid each other goodbye. I feared her for a time. I couldn't look at her. Or be in her vicinity. I was avoidant, yet again. Shw scared me honestly. But then she left, and I hope I'll never see her again, but I hope she's alright and happy though.

I was broken after it ended, it shook me to my core, Alex came in picture a girl I met on tik tok. Sweet girl really, I overburdened ber with all my shite and then left her hanging when we both found other people. I really hope she's happy.

Then I found her. Simon or Simone? I have no idea how it is spelled. She felt like fresh breath, after a month we were together. A year and a few month went by living, drinking, smoking, loving, crying, lauging. And now I'm here. Trying to put myself together before graduation, and it's kinda not working, I guess. I am just absolutely tired and done with this. And I needed to calmdown really bad from my desire to cry or hurt people or both. So thank you Mia, thank you so much.

Good night!

[thegleamingsmile]

I keep backspacing on my trembling keyboard. it isn't trembling, that's a lie, my hands are too steady to shake. mom says i have a problem with compulsive lying. But it's 1 a.m, and I'm sad again, and I'm going to type out all this rotten poetry till I turn golden-soft inside.

I'd never publish this on my main tumblr, of course. I have people who know me, who'd reach out and say, are you alright? I saw what you posted. I don't want to worry anyone. I just want to have a place to be imperfect. To let my hands shake.

A week ago, two weeks ago, two days ago, I'd be brimming with hope. But sometimes you go through life told by everyone that it doesn't matter if you're ugly or uncoordinated, because hey, atleast you're smart. And you believe them, and you cling to your smartness. You drown in your certainty. and then one day you wake up, head above the water, and realise you've never been smart. and you've so utterly convinced yourself of your smartness that you've failed. and you've failed, and these weren't just school exams where failure meant a few weeks of sadness. you've ruined your life. is it even your life? you don't like this career at all, but your parents wouldn't hear a word.

It's just, when you think of your future you think of a homeless bum. The best case scenario, you think of someone utterly burnt out. which is funny, because who plans to be burnt out?

and you're just a little sad, maybe. and you realise you've been treading water for so long, smile taped onto your face that you can't remember happiness. and you can't exactly tell your parents. it would be the hen telling the butcher they feel dead. which isn't exactly an apt metaphor. i told you, i have a problem with lying.

mom doesn't realise that i get it from her. that i have carefully written schedules and calendars and to do lists because sometimes she will accuse me of something I've never done, or insist she told me something. or sometimes she will actually tell me things, even though it tears my heart to hear them, and i have no way of telling if they're true. it's not like I can google, 'did my grandfather really despise me? was i actually cut out from his will?' 'did my elder sister really die because my father hit my mother so hard? or is he right and she died because my mother was too preoccupied with herself?' 'Hey Google, how do I deal with the existential guilt of knowing the only reason I am alive is because my father is so angry he killed an unborn child. how do I feel about that.' 'hey google? remember when we were six and our best friend died and then after that we could never make neighborhood friends again?' 'hey google, why'd I stop talking to my sister?' 'hey google? do you know what it's like to have things go right?'

(and half of those things there are secrets. i shouldn't be posting about them. maybe they aren't even real, and my mother was just joking. I'm certainly not going to ask.)

the last one is just me being ungrateful, anyway. things go right all the time. but the last year's been harder than usual, I suppose. My sister escaped, and I was left to deal with the fallout. And I had exams. Like 12 series of them. which doesn't sound like much till you realise each exam needed at least a month or two to prepare, and there are only so many days in the year. and I think everyone almost died. Everyone fell sick and got injured and i was suddenly an adult and I don't think I'm made for pressure. And here I go again, ranting about something that's over, making excuses for not achieving what everyone else did effortlessly. Depression? No. Adhd? Maybe. Just,,, slipping? yeah.

My new years resolutions weren't that hard. Get into college. Pierce your ears. Dye your hair. Learn a language. but all I've managed is a shitty 30 day Duolingo streak and a new wave of sadness. It's August. The year is half over. I just want to be happy.

I was going to type poetry, wasn't I? Instead, I broke out the excuses. The rants. Can't I make something beautiful?

I hope one day I'm loved and cherished and so so happy I can gorge on it.

I hope I find my calling, find a passion, and future me reads this and thinks, 'don't worry. it worked out. we're okay.'

I hope I'm okay.

[jebewonmorelike]

Honestly I've tried numerous planners for my college and writings too but honestly none of them worked with adhd for me. Like i gave up and forgot about those planners in less than a week and that's like a record for me. I also have to write but my god i can't just bring myself to do it god knows why.

Anyways it's so sad to here people still treat service workers like that. Imma punch them for you.

Technically i am having nice days cause i am on a vacation since my next year for college hasn't started yet and it should start soon but my fuckass of a college hasn't even given us our results yet when the exams were already done in March.

Also 👁️💜🫵2

Have a good day yourself too

-✨

okay but considering i haven’t opened the planner since i bought it two days ago… 💀 i really am gonna try to write in it today tho!! hold me accountable.

<3 thank you for offering to defend my honor, makes sense since you are literally in ✨ing armor

NOT SINCE MARCH! nahhhhhh, i will pay you back for the punches you’re giving to my client with punches for your college 😤 i’m sure you did amazing but they must pay for making you wait so long 😡

i finished my exams on 5/12 and my college poster my final grades on 5/15. not to brag, just to provide more evidence your school needs to GET IT TOGETHER 😭😭

enjoy your vacation days friendywend 💕✨💞

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for writing a story? ✨ (emoji so I can find this easily)

So around a year and a half ago, as part of a drama exam me and a group of four others had to devise a piece to act out for the exam.

Me and two others who were the actors (the other two did the set and music) ended up really liking the story and characters we were creating for the project and all wanted to expand on the story we'd created for the exam.

The three of us me (currently 16 NB) and the other two who I'll call Alex (currently 17 M) and Rowan (currently 16 NB) made a discord server for the three of us to talk about the characters we'd made together and share ideas for how we'd develop them if we turned the performance we were writing into a story/book series.

This was a lot of fun and at first I really enjoyed discussing ideas about the characters we'd created but after a while I started to find myself disliking some of the others' ideas more and more and wanting to write the series on my own.

I never acted on that though because the three of us were all passionate about our ideas and the characters so the idea of writing my own version felt wrong when the others wanted to write the story too as a group.

Now since then, Rowan has stopped talking to both me and Alex. I haven't heard from Rowan since May and honestly I don't really want to hear from them again because since we stopped talking I realized our friendship really wasn't very healthy for either of us. During this time they deleted discord but their account was still in the server.

Alex had disappeared offline since January but recently returned five months ago. We caught up and at first we talked about our ideas, the characters and how we wanted to turn it into a book series again, during this we kicked Rowan's account from the discord because neither of us spoke with them anymore. After a while we stopped talking much about the characters and our ideas and just started talking about random things. But last week Alex left the discord unannounced and I haven't heard from him at all since.

Now, I know Alex might return sometime like he left and returned before and I know this is pretty soon but while he's gone and since I'm no longer in contact with Rowan, I've found myself wanting to try writing the story myself with complete freedom to write the story I want to write and not have to use the others' ideas that I don't like.

It wouldn't feel so wrong anymore since they're not still there discussing their ideas or talking about how we should all write it together as a group but I do feel a little unsure if this would be an assholeish thing to do. I mean, I'd be writing about the characters we all created together, using the base story idea we all created for the project and I don't know if Alex will return or not yet.

So, would I be the asshole if I wrote the story by myself?

Additional info.

Idk if any of this is relevant but it might help with the judgement/I feel like people would ask for info about this stuff if I didn't add it.

The ideas I disliked were mainly to do with the development of a certain character, a ship that really would not make any sense and Alex wanting to add in a talking magical dinosaur to the plot of what was meant to be a story set in the modern day real world.

We never actually tried to write the story as a group before, we just talked about it.

None of us see each other IRL anymore.

I have got ADHD and autism.

There wouldn't be anything nsfw in the story.

None of the characters were based on any of us.

There are a lot of reasons why mine and Rowan's friendship wasn't healthy for either of us but to give a few reasons we didn't really care about each other's interests (like fandoms), would consistently cancel on hangouts with each other or would get into arguments over stupid stuff and not talk for weeks only to go back to being clingy with each other when we started talking again. Looking back, it was definitely an unhealthy friendship for both of us.

What are these acronyms?

[soracities]

i think i have adhd. i've told my parents but i haven't gotten a diagnosis yet. i doubt i will.

there's this teacher i really trust, but i still don't know whether i can tell her or not.

- 15yo anon

(thank you for the kind words. i really do my like my tutor because he helped me get better marks and is proud of me, but ths might be the first time a student of his failed, that's why i'm.... scared)

(cont’d /2 also i live in asia so i'm unsure whether my teacher will believe me or not, or whether she'll call my parents. she is the best teacher i've ever met and i try very hard in her subject, i'm glad she's my class-teacher (homeroom teacher in usa, i think), but i'm still a bit anxious. it's just how things work here.

/3 i once again apologise for the many asks i sent. that being said, my tutor was really angry at me yesterday but today he pulled me aside, asked me the topics i struggled with and then told me that i was a good kid and it would be a shame if i didn't get good marks. that i needed to work a bit harder and that he'll help me with it, and i shouldn't be afraid of asking doubts. i am so encouraged by this that in half an hour, i plan to do math, chemistry and a language i lost most my marks in. there is probably another exam session in two weeks, maximum three. thank you for the support and tolerating all my asks, and hopefully if i send you another ask, it will be three weeks later where i tell you i passed my math exam with good marks!

- fifteen year old anon)

i'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but please don't apologise -- i'm so, so, so glad that you came out of that class with a sense of encouragement and that your teacher pulled you aside in the way that he did and offered you support, i really, truly am.

i really don't know what the best way forward for you would be regarding your concerns about having adhd, and i really wish i could offer you more in this: i don't want to overstep the mark, or give advice based on assumptions about the process and how to go about talking about it or reaching out for help because i'm not in any way familiar with what would be best for you where you are: the best i can do is ask that if anyone has ever had any similar concerns or experiences, especially with growing up or living in asia then please do share them if you can (i'm aware "asia" is very vague here; i don't know exactly what part you are from, anon, but it's not something you need to share publicly for your own sake).

i'm really very sorry for all the added stress you went through, especially with your last ask when you fell ill -- given everything you have gone through in such a short amount of time it's not surprising and i'm sorry you had to deal with what you described on top of everything else. i genuinely hope that you are feeling somewhat better now, or if not, then that you are able to recover as soon as possible and that the past few days have been even just slightly kinder to you. you have had so much to deal with, but for what it's worth i'm so proud of you for trying your best through it all even when you are not getting the support you should be. it matters and it counts that you’re trying. i really, really hope you know that.

edit: as i said a few days ago, i will post the messages i got in response to you. hopefully they will mean something for you, even if a few days / a week have passed since you first wrote to me ♡